#I actually did lol who am I

[ryan-sometimes]

Recently I’ve been getting anons and comments doubting the validity of some of the stories I tell on here. There’s nothing I can do to convince you that the stories I tell on here are completely genuine. All I can say is that they really are. I only post the wackiest, most interesting or funny stories of my life on here. You don’t get much of the boring day to day stuff.

Truth is, I come from a very long line of crazy people. When my dad was in med school he and some friends planted a small homemade bomb in an abandoned bathroom at their university. His roommate stole a pancreas from the corpse lab and put it in a girl’s backpack. The entire med school was suspended because no one owned up to it. My uncle would sneak out at night with my grandma’s car and she’d find out because she’d check the mileage and see it’d gone up, so my uncle started driving her car backwards since that didn’t increase the mileage. He got arrested driving her car backwards on the highway to another town. My uncle would steal my grandpa’s shotgun, tell his friends to jump in the pool, and start firing it randomly at the backyard. My cousin genuinely had two weed smoking girlfriends who were also girlfriends with each other. My great uncle had an affair exposed by having his intimate photos and videos with his mistress sent to the family groupchat by people who stole his phone, all because they were salty that my aunt told them to go fuck themselves when they messaged her asking for money. My aunt took out all her life savings and moved to another state to build a bunker because she believes the apocalypse is coming, and she didn’t even take any of her children. I don’t know how to tell you this, but life is just stranger than fiction sometimes. The sample size of life stories you get on my blog are just the instances in which that’s true.

[pepperpixel]

Initial drawings of that old man… I literally, I haven’t finished reading the book of bill yet!!! I had to stop and take a break for a week to feverishly draw fanart of myself petting fords floofy hair and giving him attention and shit…!!!! The urge was too great….!! I’ve literally. I had a crush on this guy the instant he was first REVEALED in the show, but I did not have the artistic prowess to draw good looking old men back then… but I do now… thank god… thank fucking god

[analyticalnonsense]

Lawlight Week- Day 1: Firsts

when some guy on TV calls you a little bitch and you start to feel Actual Emotions for the first time in your life

I wanted to kind of leave it ambiguous as to what exactly Light is referring to here, but rest assured, he has never felt anything like it before he came into contact with that scrunkly man lol

[yardsards]

i needed to express a sentiment in the creative stylings of @dunmeshiminimumwage

[askinsufferableprick]

is this thing working?

oh shit it is this is officially happening lets fuckin go

ok so uh welcome ladies, gents n such to the offical ask blog for the world renowned creator of SBHJ and various other cool blogs i know yall got a billion questions such as whos that super cool dude on camera there's no way that's the one and only dave strider himself i knew he was a epic dude but this is way beyond anything i could have imagined how does such a famous and busy guy got the time for yet another dope as hell blog or like hey doesnt putting your name and face up online go against like basic internet safety protocol all valid questions guess you gotta go throw some asks in that empty as fuck ask box if you want any of the answers

[samarecharm]

tiny.

[princessefemmelesbian]

Transandrophobia truthers are so damn racist and white oh my fucking god y'all actually piss me the fuck off every time you tokenize Black and brown men for your stupid as fuck "mra but make it trans-inclusive" ideology created by a creepy guy with a corrective rape fetish(something I'll never let up on for as long as I live, btw). If I ever see another one of y'all say "Black and brown men face discrimination because they're seen as overly masculine and that's why masculinity in men is oppressed in this society" I will literally kill myself. Stop using Black and brown men as brownie points for your bullshit arguments about misandry being real when you don't have the slightest idea how racialized oppression works. White boys are so annoying and dumb istfg.

@punkeropercyjackson @punknicodiangelo @pinkpinkstarlet

[harbingersglory]

miko is SO REAL for that, two switches fighting over who gets to dom is the best dynamic. if you have time/want to i'd be curious to hear any sub headcanons you have for lisa, ei, ningguang and/or kafka!

this is so incredibly self indulgent because i see ningguang, ei and kafka in the same sentence and explode. everyone pretend i didnt accidentally pick a fav here um

ningguang i already see as a pillow princess more than anything she fits this so well. absolutely adores going slow + worship. treat this woman like royalty and lord you will not regret it. she goes all out to make the night as perfect as possible. will not let you have a hand in any of it sorry!! this is her turf. perfect atmosphere suited to your tastes (tons of candles, if you like that, or just going by moonlight is also her style). incense, taking a few minutes beforehand just to really get settled in the mood (usually by cuddling, but shes not against just taking a moment for some tea or even a game of chess).

you'll also probably need all that extra time to sort through whatever shes bought this time. when i said she goes the whole nine yards i mean it. she has money and she will use it. very expensive lingerie for herself (and you, if thats your thing.) and literally anything you could ever want. it heavily depends on what you both want out of the night but she spares no mora making it the best she can.

the non-sexual intimacy before hand (and especially after) is important to her she takes it very seriously (for the both of you). you'll probably get dragged into taking a long bath afterwards before actually going to bed. hope you arent too tired! because its gonna be a while before you actually sleep.

because this woman has stamina. technically. she's just really pent up and theres no better way to get that stress out then soft sex with her partner. shes not picky about positions really but she has a soft spot for laying on her stomach with a pillow to prop up her hips (really accentuates the pillow princess part, huh /j). if you start massaging her she's gonna wake up the entirety of liyue. she's normally quiet but lord knows she needs it and she cant keep quiet for the life of her.

genuinely just very soft and gentle. she just needs some good pampering after a long day to unwind (preferably with a glass of wine, but thats for later).

ei..is very awkward about it. she probably gets embarrassed if you bring it up but shes not. opposed per se. she's just used to domming that she has no idea what to do. genuinely a mess the first time around but she gets the hang of it quick (shes a quick learner :])

also you just really get to see a side of her you usually never do! she's usually big on topping and shes pretty calm and composed about it (usually). not cold, just..she doesn't outwardly express things often. except when shes subbing. its like a switch flipped

just dont tease her about how visibly flustered and awkward she is about it. because she is. horribly so. shes still pretty quiet but thats just ei, to be fair. its like a cute, nervous puppy. call her a good girl though and she might short circuit so badly the shogun comes out

though i also see ei as someone who prefers giving even when subbing. a dangerous combo considering her body is a puppet and, yknow, cant get tired. you will have to pry this woman off you shes lowkey insatiable when it comes to pleasing you. 100% less of a brat, though. you give her an order shes following through with it before you can blink. efficient!

kafka is similar to miko, imo. maybe yelan too?? she gives off big brat vibes when she subs. she wont use suggestion in bed unless your 100% cool with it and even then its usually when she doms but when she subs? shes a menace. bit of a masochist, to be honest. she'll push your buttons until you crack and decide to punish her but woops, thats just what she wants so she wins anyway!

she cant feel fear but she certainly enjoys a good thrill. specifically sensory deprivation. cover her eyes with a blindfold and keep her guessing. its probably her favorite part, the closest she can get to fear. especially if you add a bit of pain into it.

choking, spanking, bit of blood..this woman is smiling through it all like she's the happiest woman in the world. especially if it makes you frustrated. shes like it desperate and rough.

if thats not your speed, though, she can get that thrill in other ways. semi public sex is her jam so sandwich her against a wall in some random supply closet and make her scream. shes not quiet even in the comfort of whatever room shes booked this time and you'll have to physically shut her up if you dont want to get caught. shes still a brat at heart, though. put your fingers in her mouth and she'll bite. your gonna need the patience of a saint to dom kafka.

[skitskatdacat63]

Timeswap!Vettonso(I blame @ayceeofspades for this)

Thoughts:

References HEHEHEHE:

So the dynamics would be: STR!Seb x Aston!Fernando and Post-Retirement!Seb x Ferarri!Fernando(~2011-2012)

The former would be a Seb who is very hungry for Fernando's attention, but now he's with a Fernando is actually now very willing to give him that attention. Fernando is constantly repeating in his head: "Don't fuck the twink don't fuck the twink don't fuck the twink", but every time they end up on the podium together, Seb always ends up being all over him and "accidentally" groping him. So Seb is still a brat but is with a Fernando who's not gonna just be cold to him but will indulge him instead 🤭

The latter is more angsty AAAHHH!! Cause its a Fernando who is in Ferrari hell and Seb who is post-catharsis. And to quote C, Fernando is like "why are you so happy??? Did you win!?" and Seb responds: "no :)" But also I am not immune to Seb being coy and playing with Fernando. He now understands why Fernando was the way he was back then because he's now gone through the same thing with Ferrari, but also wants him to stop being so gloomy and angsty about it.

Don't ask about how these AUs work, just know that they have knowledge of what their original counterparts were like so it's weird for the younger versions to get to see what ends up happening to the other, and then allows the olders to gain a new perspective instead of their biased memories(i.e.: "you're not who I was villainizing you as in my head" = both of them realize that they were building the other up as such an antagonist in their head but then, oh, he's just like me fr)(but for younger Seb, Fernando realizes Seb just wanted to be friends :( and so now he's trying to be more of a mentor.)

[puppyeared]

Its really freeing when “gender is just a construct” really sinks in and you dont see yourself identifying with any pre-existing gender that the answer is “wait I can just make my own gender lol.” So. Hello everyone. Im pupgender now

[propheticjester]

bonkers interaction with a coworker today where he tried to make smalltalk over tv shows and i mentioned that I'm watching Gotham, to which he replied "oh, I liked how that show started but the ending... They made the penguin gay :(" AND I-

first of all, i think my brain did a complete factory reset bc I am NOT used to hearing people say things like that outside of family gatherings but anyway:

that's just the ending to him??? like, i'm literally on season 2 and i swear to god that bird bitch is just short of making out with Ed every time they're on screen together what show was he even watching?????

[fountainpenguin]

Things that happened in Martyn & Cleo Double Life canon:

Cleo hoping to find her soulmate and start a life with them

Cleo dumping Martyn without giving him a chance to explain his side of the story, but hearing him out when he comes to her later

Martyn watching Cleo through his spyglass and telling the audience she seems safe and happy even though he thinks it's weird she's outside at night

Martyn, after he's had time to consider how he wants to play this, spinning a story about trying to be a provider for her and Cleo explaining that she wanted him, not things

Cleo not being remotely impressed by the "I was providing" sob story, lol

Martyn calling Cleo selfish for choosing to be with Scott because she's supposed to be HIS soulmate and he wants a partner

Cleo willing to forgive Martyn if he meets them halfway

Martyn refusing to meet them halfway because he doesn't think he did anything wrong

Martyn screaming about how Cleo's building bridges with Scott but "When will she think about mending our bridges???"

Martyn explaining to Cleo that he doesn't understand why his Session 1 actions bothered them

Martyn centering his character arc and roleplay on trying to win Cleo back without actually apologizing

Cleo giving Martyn a flower and stating that if he loses it, she'll be real cross with him

Cleo chasing Martyn out of her yard because he tried to put an HOA sign on her base and she wanted to make it clear that she wasn't associated with them and their hate for his base (even though she does think his heart base is strange)

Martyn attacking Cleo after she said attacking is a form of affection to her

Cleo setting boundaries with Martyn and explaining what he can do to get her back

Cleo sighing when Scar set her up on a date with Martyn, but taking the chance to talk to him instead of walking out

Cleo genuinely wanting Martyn in her alliance

Martyn and Cleo giggling constantly when they chat

Scar asking if Martyn wanted him to play a romantic music disc for him and Cleo (and Martyn getting excited and saying yes)

Martyn offering to take Cleo's armor and weapons to the deep dark so he can enchant them and bring them back while she stays safe

Cleo gifting Martyn diamonds, expecting nothing in return but not wanting him to die from lack of a good sword

Martyn and Cleo forming a secret alliance that allows Cleo to live with Scott while being on good terms with Martyn

Martyn expressing frustration that Cleo wants to keep this alliance secret because he wants them to be public allies; Cleo softly shushes him when people approach and might overhear

Martyn telling Cleo that she's putting out a lot of mixed signals because she keeps reeling him in and then pushing him away, claiming he is very confused about where he stands with her

Martyn teasing Cleo by punching her off a cliff and accidentally killing her and feeling so bad about it that he apologizes profusely despite roleplaying as someone who refused to apologize for Session 1

Martyn and Cleo immediately threatening Bdubs together when he said hi to them while they were hanging out, sdkfj

Martyn genuinely apologizing to Pearl for dumping her after Session 1

Martyn hiding under Cleo's bed while she defends him from an enderman attack

Cleo offering to let Martyn move into her house after Etho and Joel grief his base; Martyn saying he might take her up on that

Cleo and Martyn agreeing to move out and base together at Box

Cleo trusting Martyn with the location and resources of her red life base

Martyn rushing to Cleo's aid in the deep dark and trying to turn everyone against him instead

Cleo responding to Martyn's panicked shouts for her to eat by opening her inventory to get food (and drowning because she forgot she was in water)

Cleo hanging back and letting Martyn attack Scott while she does nothing to stop him from doing so, implying as much as she likes Scott, she won't kill Martyn (and herself) for him (and/or she trusted Scott to handle himself even though he ran away while Martyn was shooting at him)

Things that did not happen:

Cleo unwilling to forgive Martyn or consider being his friend and partner

Martyn and Cleo hating each other

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk

[crossbackpoke-check]

Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today [abridged], Jess Zimmerman

part one | part two

[bigbigtruck]

what’s that boy up to in 2022? He’s doing pretty all right.

[somecunttookmyurl]

all the while society conflates "being an adult" with "having a proper job" and "having money to make arbitrary Adult Purchases" disabled people who can't work - or can only work part time or can only do entry level baby jobs - will never be 'allowed' to be adults

you can say "being an adult is looking after yourself you don't have to have a job!!!" all you want but most people who say that will still assume anybody who doesn't either can't or won't 'look after themselves' actually. and every 'marker' of 'adulthood' that's observable and thus actually counts or whatever loops back around to... having a job and 'contributing' something

[vaguely-concerned]

sophia seeing cailan's body hanging there when they go back to ostagar, and suddenly all she can see even through the rot and the ruin is just how much he looked like alistair...... :'(

a mental image that totally will not haunt her through alistair's many years on the throne as rebellions and assassination attemps come and go. doesn't send her unhinged and unwise even a little