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what-gs-watching · 10 months

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“Well…maybe I’ll save you.”

I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.

Sorry.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.

That’s not much better, is it.

I just finished The Giggle and I’m sobbing over the fact that 10 finally gets everything he was chasing and I am clearly unwell. I knew this episode was going to break me but I didn’t realize how far they were going to push us over the cliff. Like. You don’t get this in Doctor Who, not ever. That’s almost the appeal of it, sometimes.

But Russell T Davies just ripped out everyone’s heart in the best possible way. I really can’t.

Blorp. Okay.

The thing is….the thing is - I think everybody needed that. How satisfying must this be for David Tennant? And Catherine Tate? How are they not fit to bursting right now? That was so beautiful, gang. And they must be so proud.

But I’m gonna focus. Also, didn’t I say catharsis? Jesus christ, you can’t get more than that. I’m pretty sure they hit the fucking limit on catharsis. Wow. I’m a mess.

Focusing, though: wherein the Doctor and Donna have to say humanity from their own terrible base instincts because the Toymaker loves a good game.

So we open on Soho in 1925 (which, is anyone else wondering where A.Z. Fell & Co is in relationship to the street they’re showing? No? Just me? Okay cool) and we’re taken into a creepy toy shop where we meet Neil Patrick Harris doing a super weird German accent and being a general creep. He sells a dummy to a man who says he needs it for his boss, who is around the corner working on inventing the concept of television broadcasting for the very first time.

They pop the head off the dummy and leave it in a setup surrounded by a ton of lightbulbs and they go into another room to test it all out - and it works. But the heat from the bulbs is hot, too hot, which is why they needed an object, not an actual person. But of course, the creepy toyseller was obviously up to no good, and as the broadcast continues, the dummy head melts and lets out a terrible little giggle. Clearly, we’re in trouble.

Back in the present, the Doctor and Donna are in the streets of London trying to figure out what’s happening. Some guy argues with 14 who tries to stop him from attacking a car, saying that his taxes pay for the street but he doesn’t drive and he has the right to do whatever he wants with the roadway, thank you. Perfectly sound logic, and the guy is belligerent, saying two days ago everyone in the world decided they were right and wouldn’t listen to reason. So that’s exciting.

Soon enough, UNIT finds them and they’re told to get Wilf somewhere safe while the Doctor and Donna follow them to headquarters. Where we finally get our eyes on Kate Lethbridge-Stewart who I absolutely love, she’s the “bitches get shit done” Tina Fey gif come to LIFE. Bitch will always be the new black, and that’s Kate, and exactly how she runs UNIT, loading it full of equally brilliant women, including Shirley who we’d met when dealing with The Meep, and Melanie, who was a companion to the 6th Doctor,

Who run the world? GIRLS.

Anyway, we get into explanation mode - two days ago there was a spike in aggression worldwide, the same spike across the board. It’s affecting everyone, even the people in government, but UNIT has a fun device that helps keep everyone wearing one sane. And Kate decides she’s going to demonstrate how fucked up the situation is - she asks them to take her device offline, so they do.

And she proceeds to spew a bunch of terrible things at the Doctor - how he’s an alien with two hearts that have infiltrated them and can’t be trusted, and then she takes shots at poor Shirley who’s in a goddamn wheelchair and it’s really gross to watch, it’s one of the worst parts of humanity and she tries to avoid having her device turned back on, but they finally subdue her. It’s some serious shit, gang.

They say that the spikes aren’t coming from outside, they’re in everyone’s head, except for Donna, and Melanie, who have spent significant time in the TARDIS. And for extra fun, two days ago a satellite went up that finally connected the entirety of the earth to the internet, and now, everyone has access to a screen.

And of course, Donna is working something out about the spike they’ve found, saying that she spent six months teaching Rose how to play the recorder; she thinks it’s a tune. Melanie sings it out and it strikes with everyone, like they’ve known it for years. And then Shirley finds it, it’s not a tune, it’s the laugh from the dummy. The Doctor figures out that the image has been burnt into television itself, into all the screens everyone is attached to every minute of everyday.

As they’re getting the date of the exact transmission, 14 gives Kate permission to shoot the satellite down, even though it’ll start an international incident. He’s the president of the world, and I love that. Her relief is palpable.

He also has a little moment with Melanie, which is so sweet. I love that whenever he rolls up to someone he hasn’t seen in decades, he always mutters the kindest little “hello.” Just for them. His attention completely focused. It must feel like a sun shining directly on you. I literally have a collection of David Tennant saying “hello” in my mind, ugh it’s so something.

During all of this, Kate is telling Donna she did well working out the spikes, and she offers her a job at UNIT once everything has settled. Pure Donna, she asks how much the salary is, and then counters with DOUBLE the amount and 5 weeks paid vacation which is immediately accepted. BAMF, BAMF, BAMF. Get what’s yours, baby girl.

So much going on. Okay, so they go back to 1925, and 14 is all about what they need to do but Donna wants to hear about Mel because he’s never once mentioned her. He never does, he never talks about them. Rose a bit, yes, but usually no. Not ever. And he reminds her he’s old as hell and he can’t just chat about everyone, but it’s more than that. She tells him he never stops moving, she says “You are staggering along. Maybe that's why your old face came back. You're wearing yourself out” and that’s the crux of the matter, friends. 14 is wonderful, we’re all in love with him, but he’s definitely bleeding out everything. All over the place. And it’s so sad to see him so run down. But, classic 10, he ignores her.

They find the toyshop of course, and the Doctor recognizes the Toymaker. Who immediately starts a game of catch with the Doctor, because he’s a fucking weirdo like that, and 14 looks incredibly determined and also freaked out but Donna puts a stop to it, and the Toymaker disappears.

They follow him deeper into the shop and surprise! They find themselves in a never ending hallway full of doors, and each door just leads to another hallway. Which should be impossible, but we’re told that the Toymaker is only governed by the rules of play, so he can basically do whatever the eff he wants.

Donna gets the story out of him as they wander - the Doctor had once gone into another realm, where he played a game against the Toymaker and apparently won, but he said he made a terrible mistake. Poor kiddo is really raw all of a sudden, he says “I'm always so certain. I'm all sonic and TARDIS and Time Lord. Take that away... Take away the toys... what am I? What am I now?” and then he tells Donna, “I don’t know…if I can save your life this time.”

Scrawny little 14 all exposed and helpless and I told you, he’s bleeding all over the place, and she just tells him, “Well…maybe I’ll save you.”

THEY’RE BEST FRIENDS, and she’s definitely gonna save him, just not in the way he thinks. And it’s so good.

Speeding ahead, they keep wandering through the halls and then they get separated of course and Donna gets attacked by the dummy that was supposed to be the original dummy’s wife and his creepy babies but she beats them obviously, and the Doctor gets taunted by the Toymaker but they find each other eventually.

And then they’re pulled into a room with a little stage where the Toymaker puts on a puppet show about exactly what has happened to the Doctor’s companions since he traveled with Donna. And it’s so sad to listen to him try to justify everyone’s fate - Amy died of old age, but in a time and place she was never meant to. Clara was killed by a bird but technically saved in her last moments of life. Bill was turned into a cyberman, but her consciousness lived on. No happy endings, for the Doctor and his friends, not ever.

To stop the show, the Doctor challenges the Toymaker to a game. And Donna’s afraid the Toymaker will cheat, but it seems the rules of the game bind his entire existence: the Doctor will either win or lose. So they cut a deck, and the highest card wins. And it’s the Toymaker, with a king.

But the Doctor finds a loophole - he won the first game, the Toymaker one the second game, and that prompts another, the best of three. Which the Toymaker accepts, but he wants that game to be played back in the present.

Meanwhile at UNIT headquarters they’re shooting down the new satellite, and the Doctor and Donna appear to try and figure out a way to force the Toymaker out of the universe they way he’d come, but it’s too late. 14 is explaining something and then “Spice Up Your Life” is playing, and I’m sorry but L O L at the entire dance scene with NPH that unfolds. It’s hilarious, and creepy, and it definitely goes on too long, but I’ll allow a little pageantry. He turns UNIT’s bullets into flower petals and it’s a little terrifying, how much power he possesses and that’s the point. And then as soon as he’s arrived, he disappears again.

Just kidding though, the Toymaker is out on the platform where the beam they used to take down the satellite is still set up and ready to roll, and he’s got control of it. So everyone of course rushes out to try and stop him.

The Doctor tries to talk him down, of course. He asks why he’s choosing to be so horrible when he can do so many good things, and the Toymaker reminds him he’s just a vastness that good and bad don’t apply to, only winning and losing. The Doctor tells him he’s a vastness that contains so much more, and then he suggests they take the game away from earth, that they can play across the cosmos.

He says “we can be…celestial” - and I’m dying inside. Is anyone else wondering what Aziraphale’s reaction to that sentence would have been? So many little bits of Good Omens, it’s slightly painful.

Also, I appreciate that the Doctor is always trying to turn enemies into his playmates. 10 did it with the Master, too. It makes sense, he’s always off with humans but why wouldn’t entities that are more in line with what he is, want to travel with him? They always say no. Because y’all are too obsessed with your own drama to recognize what a fucking opportunity that is. Idiots.

So yeah, that doesn’t work and the Toymaker declares that since he played the first two games with different doctors, he wants to play the final game with the next Doctor. AND HE SHOOTS 14 WITH THE GIANT FUCKING LASER.

It’s agonizing. It’s terrible. And Donna and Mel rush to his side as he starts to regenerate, because they don’t want him to be alone. They tell him he’s not dying, and they don’t care who he is, because every version of him is fantastic. And that’s what he needed to hear the first time. Every time, really.

And then he says “It's time. Here we go again. Allons-y!” (squee!) but…nothing happens. So he asks them to pull, yank on his arms, and they’re like ‘um’ but they do and THEN:

Out pops 15. And I’m losing my fucking mind.

Here’s the thing, gang. There is one sure fire way to make the new Doctor capture everyone’s heart, and that is apparently to let him interact with 14. Because everything that happens after this is incredible.

15 says “You're me. No, I'm me. I think I'm really, really me. Oh-ho-ho, I am completely me!” and he tells 14 to push, and they’re both like ‘will this work?’ and they’re laughing and they push against each other and they’re two separate entities and it’s amazing.

14 obviously was all done up in his traditional suit (minus the coat) so now suddenly 15 is wearing the dress shirt, and the tie, and their charming little tightie whities, and the CONVERSES! And 14’s still got the pants, the undershirt, the vest, completely barefoot. I’m delighted and crying my eyes out.

So apparently they’ve bi-generated, which is supposed to be a myth and 15 asks Mel what she thinks and she says “I think you’re beautiful” and 14 pipes up, “still beautiful?!” and it’s all so good but the Toymaker is exasperated and then both Doctor’s say “I challenge you to a game” but he doesn’t like that. He’d caused the bi-generation and he doesn’t want to play both of them but he can’t say no.

What follows is the highest stakes game of catch that has literally ever existed. 14 and 15 are ducking and bobbing and weaving and catching and it’s ridiculous but also so filled with tension; whoever drops the ball, loses. David Tennant is a 50-something year old spindly noodle and oh my god he’s just crushing the entire thing, I could watch this all day.

But someone has to lose, and thank god, eventually it’s the Toymaker. They decide their prize is going to be banishing him from existence forever. He gets folded up into a little square of douchebag, shoved in a box, and left to rot in the deepest recesses of UNIT’s storage.

And it’s wonderful! But 14 can’t help but think of all of the people that died. And here is where 15 worms into everyone’s heart for the rest of eternity: he reminds 14 that he can’t save everyone, and then he grabs him into a hug and he says “Come here. I've got you. Yeah? It's OK. I'm here” and he kisses 14’s forehead.

It’s what the Doctor has always needed, but never got. A reminder from himself that what he does matters, that he’s good and he tries and it’s okay when things don’t go perfectly, but he does save people. He deserves acceptance from himself, and if he can’t give it in his own mind, he can get it from someone else who is literally him. It’s fucking beautiful.

They head back to the TARDIS and 14 shows 15 all the bells and whistles and 14 wonders how it’s going to work, the two of them? 15 makes him stop his anxious rambling, tells him “you're thin as a pin, love. You're running on fumes.” He keeps talking, about all of the things they’ve seen and done. The Pandorica, The Time War, losing River and Rose. The fact that Sarah Jane has died. 14 says, “I loved her” and 15 says “I loved her.”

15 reminds him that they haven’t stopped, not for a second. But he’s fine, because 14 had fixed himself. He says “We’re doing rehab out of order.” And it’s true; 15 has taken in everything that Donna has been trying to get 14 to understand, he has the sweetness and the willingness to express his feelings that 14 finally learned, and now he’s putting his foot down, to himself. His old self. He’s telling 14 that he has to stop.

But 14 doesn’t know how, and Donna tells him that he just has to exist, every single day, in and out. Over and over. And that’s the adventure. She says “I've worked out what happened. You changed your face... and then you found me. Do you know why?”

“To come home.”

If you didn’t lose it at that, you might need to examine your inner workings. It’s a punch to the gut. And it’s absolutely true. It’s the one thing the Doctor has never had, but now he can. And the way 14 asks “Do you mean…he flies off?” is so sad and small, and deflating, like he can’t imagine being pried away and made to stop and just be and exist. It’s terrifying for him. And he knows he can’t leave the TARDIS, it would hurt.

15 has an idea though, he thinks they might have a little bit of time, still being governed by a state of play, so he produces a sledge hammer and he hops out of the TARDIS, followed by 14 and Donna.

He wields the hammer and he says “You get a prize, honey. And here is mine!” and he SWINGS against the TARDIS, and out pops another perfect little blue police box (and he runs a hand down the first one, saying “I’m sorry!”). Two TARDIS’s, two doctors.

(I’m also swooning over 15’s use of endearments - love, honey - he’s gonna kill me.)

14 goes in to inspect the new TARDIS, he’s reverent almost, and it’s much the same, but it’s got a jukebox. He wanders back to his own TARDIS and 15 hops into the new one and powers her up and he’s definitely about to leave without a goodbye but 14 bounds back in with Donna to get what they’re owed. Which is hugs and a little sass. 15 says “off you pop, old man” and I love that, but they remind him he’s the older of the two now, so he says “Okay, kid. I love you. Get out!”

15 is full of the love the Doctor never gets to give freely, but he’s ready now, and I’m so excited to watch that unfold. It’s so perfect and beautiful that 14 is the one who gets to feel it first. Baby boy needs so much more, and he’s gonna get it.

And so, off they both go. 15 to his endless adventures, 14 to something even more scary.

The last scene is a dinner at Donna’s, wherein 14 is telling a ridiculous story about using his eyebrows to communicate (Crowley, Crowley, Crowley…) and it’s just banter and it’s so good. We find out that he’s taking Mel on little adventures in the TARDIS, even Rose a time or two. He says “Just can’t turn down my favorite niece” and oh, it’s so lovely. He says “That’s what you are. With my best friend, my brother-in-law, the evil stepmother, and mad auntie Mel.”

The desperate wanderer, a man who has run for thousands upon thousands upon thousands of years in a multitude of faces, finally has a family.

Donna tells him he doesn’t have to stay forever, and then she asks him if he misses it out there. And his face, oh y’all his face as he says “The funny thing is, I fought all those battles for all those years... and now I know what for. This. I've never been so happy in my life”, it’s EVERYTHING.

Never, not once, has the Doctor gotten this. Usually, things work out just enough that it barely soothes the pain of what was lost. Never has he won so fully, so completely. Donna restored, and the chance to finally relish what he’s been protecting for so long. And no one deserved it more than 10 and 14.

The Doctor doesn’t have to be all hard edges and fire and war and unrelenting motion. He can be soft and vulnerable and he can accept help and he can love.

And I didn’t even realize I wanted to see that. Doctor Who is like letting yourself believe in a higher power, a little bit. Believing in a species that maybe isn’t beholden to all of the disgusting emotions we have to deal with, he’s strong when we can’t be. He’s strong all the time. But I don’t think I’ve ever connected as much to an arch as I did to this one. We can’t be strong all the time. No one can.

Watching the Doctor stop, and be taken care of for once, I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. Catharsis, on all sides. For everyone. I needed all of that way more than I’m ever willing to admit.

No matter what’s going on in the real world, at least now, somewhere out there 14 is hanging out at Donna’s house, telling silly stories and helping cook dinner and teaching Rose a bunch of science she should never get her hands on, and that’s satisfying in a way I can’t explain.

Basically, I’m so thankful for Doctor Who. And I can’t wait to see what happens next…

#what g's watching #doctor who 60th anniversary #doctor who #fourteenth doctor #tenth doctor #fifteenth doctor #donna noble #doctor who spoilers #david tennant #the giggle spoilers #ncuti gatwa #catherine tate

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onboardsorasora · 1 year

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Haven't had a whole lot of time to write lately, but I really wanted to hammer out a little update on these two idiots (affectionate). Moar Tennis AU!

Part 1 | Part 11 | Part 13

Part 12! - Figured a change in POV would be fun for this

Blake sighed and looked despondently over to an equally over it Mike. At least he had a partner in this chaos. Because clearly he was put here on this earth in this moment to suffer.

Another breathless giggle punctuated the air and Blake watched as two grown men, two world class athletes at the top of their game in their respective sport giggle at dick jokes on a tennis court.

“You’re kidding me, that wasn’t even funny.” Blake complained, reaching an exasperated arm out to point out the problem just in case Micheal forgot or wasn’t paying attention. The roll of his eyes was all Blake needed.

The problems in question were on their knees in the service box, giggling so hard that they couldn’t breathe. To be fair, Blake expected this from Daniel. Daniel could hear the wind blow differently and start a chortle, sometimes (only sometimes) Blake wondered what went on between those ears. The mop of curls and bright smile disguised that the current world number one only had two modes; tennis and….whatever the fuck this was.

When they met Max, he seemed like a very straightforward fellow. Serious mostly, but clearly genial when he was ready. Unfortunately, he hadn’t anticipated that Max was truly the same brand of stupid. None of them did really.

Scotty didn’t warn them, Mark didn’t warn them. Hell, Christian could have said something. But no… everyone said them getting together was a good thing and everyone noticed how happy they both were. Apparently Max was a lot more agreeable on the track some days, and less snappish with media on others. And that was great, truly it was. Honestly, Blake was happy for them.

But did no one care that for that to be a thing and a benefit, Blake had to put up with……..this?!

Micheal looked over unhelpfully, they watched from the covered benches, figuring it was best to just let them tire themselves out like toddlers. It was summer break for Formula 1, and tennis also had a bit of a break going as well. But Wimbledon was around the corner, so there wasn’t that much time to fuck around.

But Max had invited them all on vacation to a resort off the coast of Italy, as both a way to congratulate Daniel and his team for Daniel winning Roland Garros, taking home the whole thing. And also as a way for them to all relax a bit before everything started up again.

Daniel had been all too happy to flex his rudimentary Italian muscles. Blake had drank that first night to forget the heated look in Max’s eyes at hearing his boyfriend hold a conversation with an older lady in a different language. Apparently, that did it for him, who knew.

They spent the first two days chilling and partying and generally having a great time. That ultimately led them here, at the tennis court of the resort because dumb and dumber thought it was a great idea that Daniel teach Max how to play tennis. There wasn’t much teaching or tennis happening, between the groping and giggling. It was like watching two teenagers poorly try to hide that they were sexually aware.

They haven’t even started drinking for the day yet and Blake felt like he already needed several shots. He wasn’t a babysitter damnit.

“What do you want me to do again?” Max called across the court, they seemed to be controlling themselves again.

“Just stand there and when I do this, you try to hit it back.” Daniel called back, mimicking a serve.

Max nodded, face focused. “Got it!”

They were quiet for a moment while Daniel presumably tried to regulate his serve to not actually kill or hurt Max when

“My name’s Jeff!” Max called out in a weird accent. The noise that Daniel released could only be constituted as a squawk, before he crumpled to the ground in tears. Again.

“The dick cannot be that good.” Michael muttered, which made Blake snort. He was massaging the bridge of his nose, not that it helped in any way, but it was useful to keep him from going over and strangling his friend slash client.

He cannot possibly suffer through any more of this. He wasn’t getting paid enough to. He wasn’t a babysitter, damnit!

“Hola todos!” Daniel screeched, which sent Max into another tizzy.

Michael and Blake released twin sighs of exasperation. They were totally babysitters because these grown ass men were children.

#maxiel #max/daniel #tennis player!dan #tennis!dan #tennis au #mv33 #dr3 #333 #3303

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festivalofthe12 · 4 months

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mannnnnnnn IDK if it's just because I never fully finished the manga myself (sorry everyone;;) but I just. don't. really understand how Akito being just another one of Tohru's friends is supposed to. work. in practice. with Yuki.

Not because Akito is an ~irredeemable person who never earned her redemption~ or whatever. People being good is good!!! If Akito is legitimately a better person now, that's awesome!!! And frankly I love stories where legitimate kindness breaks through to save people who are shitty but also deeply deeply sad!!!!!

But to most of the cast, Akito was a pretty distant enemy. Yes, she'd show up in person now and then to be chilling and mysterious, but her primary source of contention was Being God. The way she ran the family and the rules she set up around it. Other characters might have spent a lot of time seething at her, but mainly to blame her for indirectly causing things to happen in their lives. Apart from a very small number, most have never actually had much experience just... talking to her.

Which is not true for Yuki.

Yuki has spent more time with her than almost anybody. By the end of the manga, she's still probably the person he's spent the most time in contact with, total, over his life. He literally could not get away from being in the same physical space as her.

His reactions to Akito aren't based on him blaming her for what she did to the Sohma family. His reactions to Akito are based on a very simple 'if I can see her, things about about to get very bad very quickly for me personally.'

At that point, it's not even really about whether he blames or forgives her, or what he thinks she 'deserves'. It is an immediate anxiety (let's be real: PTSD) trigger. It's neither conscious nor logical. He spent endless amounts of time waiting with horror for her to show up, unable to know or control when that would happen, and then having that horror fully justified. He was trained on it, endlessly.

I fully believe that Yuki would want to trust Tohru and respect her friendship with Akito and believe that everything has changed and it's all good now. But I just can't see him being him able to actually... act on that. In practice.

He never even really properly got to process it. Ayame did the classic oblivious parent thing of trying to override Yuki's negative emotions with happy ones before he was actually ready to move on. (Not critiquing Ayame; he's just a flawed human being in his own right!) Tohru comforted him and told him he didn't deserve it, and now she's friends with his abuser asking him to say everything's fine. If Kakeru ever fully found out what happened, it was off-screen, and not all that much time before this all went down.

I just. Really think that what Yuki needs is at least some time to just be better and angry, or at the very least openly mourn his lost childhood. And he needs to be able to do that without those constant triggers of anxiety from interacting with Akito. All things being equal, I think it would be for the best if he could just tell Tohru straight-up that he's fine with their friendship and he's not going to intervene but he just does not want to be in the same room with Akito ever again.

And... if I were to stretch this a bit further, and potentially really betray my unfamiliarity with endgame canon........... it is kind of hard for me to imagine Akito being okay with that.

Yes, Akito has changed. But surely she still needs time to grow and learn and figure out her new place in this world? And Yuki deliberately avoiding her would... be a difficult thing to accept. Firstly because she's still getting used to giving up that selfishness (especially towards Yuki), but also because it's a reminder of some of the awful shit she did. Which, if she's a changed person, should make her feel bad. Which again, she isn't qualified to process!!

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Akito twisted it around in her head to where Yuki really was her friend. Like they were in this together and Akito didn't always handle it well but at the end of the day, they're the only two who can really understand each other. Because Akito really didn't have that, either. (Kureno being... idk man he always seemed more like a guardian, or at least older brother figure than someone who was 'in the trenches' so to speak with her.)

Either way, it'd all place Tohru in such a deeply complicated position. Akito is hurting badly and needs Tohru to be on her side if no-one else is, because to be fair, that's not all wrong? (Kureno has always been there, but Tohru is her saviour.) But she can't really do that if she's enforcing Yuki's boundaries for him. I feel like Akito would really want Tohru to tell her that she's forgiven and that everything's good now, and if she hesitated even a little, it wouldn't go well. Because Akito only knows how to understand two things: obedience and manipulation. So having others set healthy boundaries - and dealing with the resulting feelings of rejection and shame and guilt - is something she still has to learn how to do.

It just sounds. A bit like a clusterfuck tbh. A clusterfuck that could, eventually, turn out okay!!!!!! But one that would take a LONG time and continued process of reflection and self-awareness (and, ideally, HEAVY THERAPY, but of course we all know nobody in the Fruits Basket universe ever gets that, so). Obviously like that's the happy ending and we don't need to extend it out for four more volumes of like 'Yuki and Akito undergo cbt separately via Tohru's infinite patience' lmfao but. Idk. It just seems to imply a lot in that happy ending that has not really set up by the story to be all that easy.

Unless I'm completely wrong and the last volume or two does in fact set this up perfectly. In which case never mind!!!!!!!!!!

#yuki sohma #fruits basket #another thing Id like to see explored in fanfic but. bow howdy itd be a big friggin topic.#i feel like the only way to avoid something outright explosive happening would be if yuki just. doesnt rly see tohru for a long time.#which would be sad. :(#even if yukeru fics naturally tend to take place in a distant uni that sorts results in that happening anyway.#but even if he came back during break he couldnt see her!!!!!! no i dont like this :(

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rin-and-jade · 4 months

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I'm very newly realized and diagnosed with OSDD (possibly DID since I have very large memory gaps.) I've really been struggling with it and what it means for me. I spent a long time in denial and feeling imposter syndrome, which I still struggle with, but now I have a different problem and I'm trying to switch my mindset.

I've been stressing about the "real me." As in, which of us represents who I truly am as a person? I'm aware that we're all integral parts and very real in our own rights, and logically I know that there isn't a "real me" in the sense that I'm trying to find.

This is something I've struggled with my whole life. It explained a lot when I found out I had OSDD/DID. But now I've been stressing about which of us is the "main" person who best represents who "I" am. And I'm also having trouble accepting that I have more alters than I originally thought (6, compared to the 3 I started with) because that feels like it means I'm horribly broken apart. I know I probably have more that I'm unaware of since my entire life has been horribly, horribly traumatic, but I have no recollection of any of it.

What can I do when I'm struggling with the fact that "I" am a collection of equally valid, equally important parts?

If you need help figuring out wether you are osdd or did, i'll gladly give some insights since i have osdd friends, and i am the did type itself, though i will talk about your main issue stated here first:

Think about it this way, what is the realest mechanical piece that best defines a car? Do you think it is the steering wheel, or the big tires, or how the seats are arranged, or how the exterior looks like,

But, you see, the pieces we are focusing singularly on is not complete, this bit of information can even define other vehicles--trucks as they have the wheel, motorcycles as they have tires too, and etc, so it seems that emphasizing on just one information/characteristic seems to create even more confusion that it needs to sometimes, correct?

The thing is, everything makes up who you are, as to how a car is a car, or how a chair is a chair,, because if a chair doesn't have a back rest now that's a stool, and if the car only has three wheels now that is an auto rickshaw.. there is no dominant characteristic that can define something so complex, that works with many different components.

Let's view things holistically. You and your parts are as equal, and as important, as to how a car is useless without steering wheel, or if you have the wheel but not the tires, nor the engine. Everyone has their own job and strengths, and these personal strengths will back up other weaknesses that might be present (as to how that famous shopping cart with one wonky wheel that is still functional as theres three other wheels backing it up)

In conclusion, if you want to know who is the real you, and accept this fact easier, start seeing things in a bigger picture, there's nothing to find under the microscope,, as those little cells are also a part of the whole image, though does not define one completely. Every part of you contributes to who you are as a person.

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #did system #sysblr #janswersask

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writer-k-pop · 2 years

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Mastermind

난 아무데도 안가요. I’m not going anywhere.

Description: [Literally based on the Taylor Swift song because I couldn’t get it out of my head and Jeonghan fit the song so well.] Yoon Jeonghan and (y/n)’s relationship was everything she wanted it to be. But that’s because she designed it by hand. Warnings: Swearing Genre: fluff, Idol!Jeonghan x Celebrity!Fem!Reader Word Count: 2.3k

SEVENTEEN Masterlist | Other Masterlists

Yoon Jeonghan. From the moment I saw him, I knew I wanted him. And nothing was going to stop me. He was going to be mine and no one would stand in my way.

Did he know this? Absolutely not.

Would he ever find out? If the dominoes lined up correctly, he would never find out.

Sure, we’d heard of each other before but never met. That’s because I played my pieces perfectly. Pushing pawns forwards and keeping the Queen a mystery. It was simple, truly, listening carefully to everyone around me to find out he was single. Then it was only a matter of time until he was going to a place that I was going to be at as well. I made sure it would be the first night we met and the start of everything.

I made sure at that party to watch and listen to everything going on around me. An hour or so into the night, I found the perfect moment.

He pulled himself away from his friends to go grab another drink at the bar. I had to carefully time out everything. He was known for his love of the chase but there had been stories of him getting bored if the chase was too intense, too calm, too bold, too boring.

Leaning against the bar, I waited to order as the bartender made his drink. As if by accident, I let my pinkie brush against his.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glance over, gaging the distance I had put between him and me. Not far enough to say we were strangers but also not close enough to be obvious that I was interested in him. Just somewhere in between.

“Haven’t seen you around much lately.” He commented, facing forward again as if we were on some covert mission, which I most certainly was.

I looked over, studying him like I knew his secrets when I was dying to uncover every single one. “I’ve been busy with this and that.”

“Would you allow me to buy you a drink since you’ve been so busy with this and that? We can just put it on my tab." He offered and pulled out his black card, attempting to impress me with his wealth and status. He must’ve started a tab on a different card but was trying his best to impress me.

I smiled and looked over the card, making sure to keep a intrigued look glossed over my face. The bartender placed his drink down on the table and I turned to the bartender.

“A Vodka Mojito, muddled.” I told him and pulled out my own black card, “And start a tab for me.” To make him think that I was staying for a while.

“Right away, ma’am.” The bartender took the card and walked over to the register.

“Hm.” Jeonghan hummed, slowly lowering his card and looking up and down my face, impressed.

“What?” I leaned my head on my fist, “Figured I didn’t have one myself?" The bartender stood behind the counter, listening but keeping his eyes and hands busy with my drink.

He shook his head, "It's a first."

A new piece of information flips open a new page in my mental notebook of him. "First time a woman rejected you?"

"Usually women reject me and turn away empty handed." Jeonghan corrected me, "This is the first time a woman has rejected me as an equal."

I knew then I had him interested in my hook. But he was just looking. I needed him to bite before tugging and securing him. If I tugged too soon, I'd lose him in the dark waters.

"If you can find me again, maybe I'll let you buy me the second." I said, wrapping my hand around my drink and disappearing into the crowd.

Little did he know I wasn’t going to stick around for that second drink. Spent an hour nursing my mojito and when it was nearly finished, I returned to the bar, closed my tab, and retreated to my home.

Over the next couple days, I heard whispers that Jeonghan was quite mystified by my disappearance. But just like I knew, he didn’t turn away. My disappearance only made him more curious. I heard from friends he was poking around, asking if I’d be at places and making comments about the cities I bounced around.

I knew we would have to meet again but it was all calculated. Timed so his obsession would grow instead of diminish.

It was after a few months of cat and mouse did he finally bite the hook and got me alone.

“I have not stopped thinking about you for months.” Jeonghan whispered lowly, “Would you care to share why you have not left my mind?”

I looked up amused, “Maybe I’m just that unforgettable.”

“I decide when people are unforgettable.” He pushed back, lifting his chin ever so slightly.

“Is that so?” I tilted my head to the side, “Then do share, when do you know people are unforgettable?” I asked, tempting him to take the bait.

Jeonghan smirked and I knew he thought he had me where he wanted me. Though I wanted to kiss away that smirk because it was actually me who had him where I wanted him. “Usually after a date or two.”

“Then, Yoon Jeonghan,” I crossed my arms over my chest, “Take me out on a date, or two.”

His smirk turned into a smile and the dominos started cascading in a line.

One date turned into two.

Then two dates became two months.

Two months flew to a year.

And suddenly we were together for a year and a half.

It’s not like I was dishonest in our relationship. I told him all my secrets. I let him into my turbulent storm of emotions swirling in my mind. Everything I let him see was the truth. Everything except the timing.

How I needed to meticulously pick and choose what I told him and when I told him. Letting him think he was peeling back the layers on his own when in reality, I was the one at the top, releasing my hold of the layers when I saw fit.

And as the layers fell, so did the dominos. They fell, one by one, all in a perfect line. Crashing into each other with the most satisfying sounds.

Until one was crashed into but didn’t fall, only teetered before stilling once more.

We were out eating dinner at a restaurant. It was one of the higher ends, something we both loved - the glam and glitz.

Talking about our days and the latest gossip surrounding us and those around us. Then he looked up with a nostalgic look in his eyes.

“You ever think about it?” He asked, holding his fist under his chin.

“Think about what?” I picked up my wine glass, peering at him over the rim.

He resumed cutting into his steak, “The night we first met.”

My hand faltered for second but I quickly recovered before he saw, covering up the fear that he found out. “What about it?” I kept my voice calm and curious.

I was not going to let a simple question reveal my web of schemes.

“Just how the planets, fates, and all the stars aligned so perfectly that I met you that night.” He smiles softly, silently thanking the universe for aligning so. “I can’t imagine my life if I never met you that night. Like what if I simply passed by and not noticed how intriguing you were.” He shook his head, “Crazy.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and chuckled lightly, “Yeah, crazy.”

He carried on like normal, but his simple ‘what if’ question sent thousands spiraling in my mind.

‘What if I told you none of it was accidental?’

‘What if I told you how nothing was going to stop me from having you?’

‘What if I told you how I laid the groundwork?’

What if I told you how, just like clockwork, the dominoes cascaded in a perfect line?’

‘What if I told you it was all by design?’

Yet one repeatedly came up until is was the only question I could think about.

‘What if I told you I’m a mastermind?’

‘What if…’

The question kept me up hours after we had returned to my apartment. Long after we had finished the movie.

I knew he knew something was off. It was evident in the way he cuddled me closer and kept a hand trailing up and down my arm, occasionally drawing shapes into my skin.

But he never asked. He knew I would tell him what was bothering me when I was ready. But this, this was something I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready to tell him.

This would be me admitting to every scheme I had ever executed. This would be me giving up my control to him and dear god, that was my worst fear.

For my whole life I was a schemer. It started on the playground when no one wanted to play with me as a little kid. I schemed like a criminal to make everyone love me and to make it seem so effortless. And everyone had fallen for the plot lines. Including him.

So why did I feel the need to confess. Why now? And why with him?

The moon sat in the sky, brightly shining and keeping me company through the midnight hours.

Jeonghan laid beside me, sleeping soundly and probably dreaming about me.

Giving up on the sleep, I padded out to the living room and sat on the couch, legs crossed underneath me and hands folded in front of me.

My mind was reeling with all the possible outcomes. This was not part of my perfect plan. I had always plotted the obstacles that I could encounter through each scheme. But never once did it occur to me that I would need to plan for the obstacles my own mind would throw at me.

In the midst of my thoughts, Jeonghan stirred awake, missing the feeling of my warmth beside him.

I barely noticed him exit the bedroom and search through the house for me. He was silent when he sat on the coffee table directly in front of me and moved like a ghost, enclosing my hands in his.

It was there, in my living room, under the watchful midnight moon, that I spoke my fears to the one I swore would never know them.

“I have to tell you something.” I said softly, staring only at his hands. I was afraid if I looked up and saw the hurt on his face, I would never forgive myself for making such a costly mistake.

“You can tell me anything. I’m not going anywhere.” He said with such certainty I almost laughed.

I took a deep breath, the bubble of fear lodged in my throat and growing. “What I told you I’m a mastermind?”

He leaned forward on his thighs, “What do you mean?” There was no malice, only confusion.

He hadn’t caught on yet.

“What if I told you that none of this was accidental?” I pushed on, squeezing my eyes shut and listening for the telltale gasp of realization and betrayal. “That the first night you saw me, nothing was going to stop and I knew I wanted you. That I laid the groundwork and watched the dominoes fall like clockwork. What if I told you you’re mine because it was all my design and that I’m the mastermind who planned it all.”

I rushed to finish and listened. I was listening for the gasp. I was waiting for the air to change to something I needed to cut with a knife. I was waiting for him to say he hated me.

But I heard nothing. The air didn’t change. The tight grip of his hands was still around my hands. He was still sitting in front of me.

Confused, I slowly raised my head.

And there on his angelic face was a wide smirk.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

He knew this entire time.

My mouth dropped open in surprise.

“I was wondering when you would realize.” He brought my intertwined hands up to his lips and kissed them. “Everyone said you were a mysterious one. They all said they thought you were some kind of spider, setting traps and creating seamless crimes. But I didn’t care.”

I searched his eyes for any sign that he was going to take my trophy and smash it to pieces. But instead, he polished it, held up it up to the light, and admired it.

“I saw every move you were making and I willingly fell for every single one.” He continued, “Because I finally found someone who was as equally Machiavellian as I was. Every move you made impressed me because you constantly surprised me. Going left when I assumed you’d go right. Pushing when I thought you’d pull.”

“You knew.” I whispered, stumped beyond belief.

He nodded with a smile. “I knew. You were going for checkmate and I wanted you to get there. I wanted to fall since the first night I met you. And I want to fall every day from now until forever. I’d get checkmated by you in every goddamn lifetime.” He confessed and the midnight stars were the witnesses.

A smile grew on my face as I untangled my hands and pulled him into a kiss. A kiss that could’ve moved mountains. When he pushed, I pulled. The both of us tempting the other to break away first. To be the one to relinquish control of the uncontrollable hurricane of schemes that we both loved so much.

It was the night I knew he was mine for good. And the night I knew I was his all along.

I was a mastermind.

But so was he.

#kpop #kpop imagines #seventeen #seventeen imagines #seventeen imagine #seventeen jeonghan imagine #seventeen jeonghan imagines #seventeen jeonghan #jeonghan imagines #jeonghan imagine #jeonghan #yoon jeonghan #yoon jeonghan imagines #yoon jeonghan imagine #writer-k-pop

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haikyuumood · 3 months

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random thoughts on the final arcs...

Maybe an unpopular opinion? but i like to think that Karasuno wouldn't have won against Kamemodai even if Hinata didn't leave etc. just because how of Kamemodai appeared to me (said this elsewhere but they felt the most consistent & unshakable of the high school teams Karasuno had encountered in the manga) and also because it leaves room for future growth ?? lol it sounds cohesive in my head.

I'm mostly thinking about what we learn from Yachi's reminiscences, that Karasuno never won the nationals with Hinata and Kageyama on the team--our protagonists--and my absolute favourite is that Date was the Miyagi representative one time (led by Futakuchi no less)🥹 You are a loser today, but what are you going to be tomorrow? Same goes if you're the winner. Knowing these boys they would have been so mad and motivated after each big match they lost and they would have consistently practiced & evolved, but so would have their opponents. Don't be afraid to change & adapt if you think that's going to help you... that is some powerful mindset to have. And the greatest thing about the post time skip arc for me was seeing where all these kids were at! Amazing that so many of them went on to play volleyball professionally or found different paths, some still play as a hobby and others don't, and that's totally fine BUT the huge thing being that the wins and loses in high school matches did not deter them from wanting to keep on playing and do their best when they were playing. And that they are always willing to learn and try out different things -- another absolute favourite scene is Iwaizumi and Ushijima running into each other in the US and Iwaizumi shows him some video clip, goes hell what the heck am I doing, trying to give advice to a national player??! and Ushijima goes well no, I'm figuring things out with my coach so it will help me, besides I like these things, which of course leads to one of the absolute best scenes in the series imo:

i'd stopped reading haikyuu just before the youth camp ended, so wasn't sure when I first heard about the post time skip but having finished the series i'm fully convinced and happy 🥲everything can seem very focused on the present but there is a future coming and life goes on after big life events like nationals or high school graduations, and time spent in school with your peers can be a helpful period preparing you for what to come. Furudate has shown us that playing within the safety of the court, where no one dies and it really doesn't matter to the world who wins and loses, and people are just running after some ball to keep it afloat, does that job of 'preparation' well -- you learn that it's okay to lose and there is a way to bounce back and you won't be alone in the process, you'll have friends and teammates and mentors. Obviously real life isn't all cotton candies and cherry blossoms but that's why we have fictional stories like these to show an ideal that, while we may not be able to recreate fully for ourselves, still tells us to have courage.

that turned out longer than i thought

hmm

I'm just thinking a lot about these final arcs, thinking about the kind of mindset I had when I was Hinata's age ☺️☺️ oh which reminds me, it's so swell that these kids keep in touch with each other or remember each other (yes Terushima you did indeed have a match against Hinata and Kageyama senshu in high shcool!!!) I HOPE that they all keep in touch and is one big family but equally I wouldn't be so mad if they didn't, you continue to hear about your high school mates one way or the other anyway 😂 and thinking about my mindset in high school -- I remember being sad and scared about going to new places esp. because I went to a boarding school & had a lovely time there, but at the same time I couldn't wait to go see the bigger world! So I like to imagine that this was what hq kids were doing after their graduation, maybe they lose touch with one another for a while or maybe they're remain in the loop (thank you Iwaizumi for sending that weird ass selfie to Oikawa), who knows, but life is long and you never know when you're gonna run into an old familiar face.

#haikyuu #hq #hq post time skip #random thoughts #i think i love everyone...

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sweetfirebird · 1 year

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Wishing For--the modern ASB au

Wishing For

I know some of you haven’t met them yet, but since this is a contemporary and magicless AU of A Suitable Bodyguard, know that they look and act a little different here than they do in the original.

AND NOW YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN when I say, it turns out that once you remove the fantasy elements and the ‘save the world/our home’ plot stuff, what you are left with is troubled nerds who really need a cuddle (and some therapy). I was going for epic romance in the contemporary world, but then I took the epic out. Tahlen is trying his best to be a knight in shining armor though.

Content tags: anxiety, sheltered and virginal character, abandonment issues, toxic relatives, absent relatives, references to: drinking, recreational drug use, overly pushy drug users, overly pushy possible sexual advances, past parental death, therapy. Also, unfortunately, rich people. But Zelli only works as a rich person, bless his heart.

Tahlen and Zelli belong to me. (Mine! All mine! muahahaha!)

12:45 AM

So sorry to disturb your evening, Tahlen, but do you know how to use Uber? Or Lyft? Perhaps it’s the service here but I can’t seem to finish downloading an app.

12:46 AM

Sorry to bother you.

12:46 AM

Sorry to bother you *again* I meant to say

12:47 AM

It’s all right if you don’t answer this. You are under no obligation to.

12:50 AM

What’s going on

12:50 AM

Where are you

12:50 AM

It’s 1 am and you’re out

12:51 AM

It’s your cousins isn’t it

12:52 AM

They insisted I should go out. It’s fine. I probably should. Really, you should go back to sleep.

12:52 AM

Or whatever you were doing. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. Sorry.

12:53 AM

Where are you

12:53 AM

Your location or I’ll use your phone tracker to get it

12:54 AM

Since when can you do that?

12:56 AM

Your grandmother allowed it the last time your cousins visited and dragged you out

Omw don’t move

12:55 AM

Tahlen?

12:56 AM

You really don’t have to

12:59 AM

Tahlen?

1:01 AM

Sorry. You’re probably driving. Sorry.

Not wanting to drain the battery on his phone anymore, Zelli had it in his lap and had let the screen go dark. He had no idea how much time had passed, or how quickly Tahlen had gotten into his truck after Zelli had disturbed him. Tahlen was probably still driving. The house Zelli was in was on the outskirts of the town proper, but Tahlen would have to drive across the valley to get there. Traffic was lighter at night, but Tahlen was hardly going to be racing over here and risking a ticket.

Zelli should have figured it out himself instead of bothering Tahlen. At worst, Zelli might have spent a few boring, slightly uncomfortable hours before his cousins remembered him. Or he could have walked back toward town until he had more phone service and then downloaded one of those apps.

His friends online were going to tease him relentlessly about this if he told them, especially if he mentioned his rescue. Which meant he’d better not.

He worried his bottom lip between his teeth and then turned his head, trying to distract himself with the bland, pastel picture of a vase of flowers on the wall, and then the equally pastel curtains, opened to reveal the yard full of revelers.

The house was probably a rental for short or longer-term visitors to wine country, close enough to town for convenience and amenities, far enough away for there not to be neighbors to complain about parties. The décor also suggested a hotel more than a private dwelling.

Zelli was in a guest room, either way. There was nothing personal in the room save for an unpacked suitcase sticking out of the open closet door. Hopefully, the person staying here was more interested in the ruckus downstairs than a good night’s sleep.

Or sex, Zelli’s mind unhelpfully reminded him. A lot of people would use a party like this as a way to have sex, or to try to have sex.

He gripped his phone tighter and bit his lip a little harder. Silly of him not to think of that first. That was one of the reasons his cousins had claimed they were taking him out with them, after all.

The music playing downstairs was loud enough to bump through the floor and the walls, but the different music someone was playing outside was audible as well, mostly snatches of lyrics from car speakers. Zelli did not know the songs. He hadn’t really expected to.

Pieces of conversation once in a while made their way up from the yard along with the music. He spent a while imagining his grandmother complaining again about how all the houses now being used as rentals led to neighborhoods of this instead of real communities.

He flipped his phone around nervously. The service was terrible here. He was surprised the texts had gone through, and considered texts versus the messaging app his cousin Whitman said he ought to get for ‘privacy.’ Zelli got what he meant, but he didn’t really need ‘privacy.’ They all knew Zelli had no social life, not like theirs.

He didn’t see the need for one like theirs. This house and this party didn’t feel real. They felt like Zelli was trapped in a movie about a high school or a wealthy college with a party scene meant to show the audience who the drunken asshole antagonists were. Although most of the people here were far older than high school or even college years. Zelli was that age, just old enough to go to clubs now, legally, and to buy alcohol—

He could almost hear Tahlen questioning whether or not that was the reason Zelli’s cousins had brought Zelli along—to pay for everything.

It isn’t like your cousins give much of a shit about you the rest of the time, Tahlen would say. Or rather, wouldn’t say, but his disdain for Zelli’s relatives would be painfully apparent, so much so that even Zelli’s cousin Bethany, constantly on her phone as well as several unprescribed medications, would notice. And then pout, because she wanted Tahlen to like her, among the many other things she wanted from Tahlen.

Tahlen’s smiles were not frequent, but got especially rare when the rest of Zelli’s family were around or even mentioned. But it was a lovely smile, and Zelli tried his best to make it happen, in whatever ways he didn’t think were too inappropriate.

Tahlen, understandably, took family seriously, and most of Zelli’s relatives didn’t. That was all. There was no changing them. Zelli avoided his extended family except for times like this week, when they descended on Grandmother’s house without being invited, and he was torn between being polite and hiding from them. Normally, he might have risked irritating Tahlen by staying with Tahlen while he worked, but Tahlen had been more or less out of sight for the past two weeks.

After his first drink earlier that evening, Zelli had even considered texting Tahlen to ask what had Tahlen so busy, as if that was any of Zelli’s business. Luckily, Zelli had not had much more after that, so he hadn’t done it. Just the “pregame” at the house, then a drink at the club they had first gone to. He’d gotten a sip of something else at the bar they’d gone to after that, but then his cousins had pulled him into a car to come here, and he hadn’t had anything else.

He'd like some water, actually. Or some tea. If he could figure out where he was exactly, he might be able to ask Tahlen to stop at a drive-thru or convenience store for something on the way home. He could also venture down to this house’s kitchen, where they ought to have at least water. Then he could wait outside for Tahlen.

Zelli supposed that he ought to be grateful to his grandmother for worrying about him, even if she had put that worry onto Tahlen, who should not have had to ruin his night to track Zelli down. It would be easier for him if he arrived to find Zelli in the driveway, or even out in the street. But Zelli would rather not spend any more time around the people here than he had to. He’d leave his sanctuary when he was sure Tahlen was near.

The awkwardness Zelli had felt in the club was somehow worse in this house. Zelli was more out of place here in his borrowed t-shirt—which was supposed to be tight for the club, according to Whitman, which Zelli’s regular shirts were definitely not, but even Whitman’s smallest shirt was loose on Zelli and only made Zelli seem shorter and skinnier and weaker than he already was. The darkest jeans Zelli had, which were still not very tight, combined with dress shoes he didn’t like, and a suit jacket that was now missing, felt ill-fitting and unnatural. He regretted the loss of the jacket but was happy to at least still have his wallet and phone.

He looked at his phone again, decided to venture another text.

1:25 AM

If you changed your mind, please let me know. It’s no trouble.

He waited, watching minutes tick by, but there was no answer. Maybe Tahlen had gone back to bed… whose bed Zelli didn’t know, but it was—had been—Saturday night, and Tahlen was very attractive, and it wasn’t unlikely that he’d been out or with someone.

Tahlen was very fond of Grandmother and reasonably tolerant of Zelli. But really, Grandmother shouldn’t have asked him to do this. Tahlen already felt he owed her too much.

Since the Vallithi estate was only a few miles down the road in their corner of the valley, Tahlen’s family and Grandmother had long been friends. But Tahlen’s parents, unlike the previous generation of Vallithis, had not been naturally gifted at handling the business side of their grape-growing operation. That, combined with the creeping corporate takeover of much of the valley, meant their business had been hurting even before Tahlen’s parents had died in a boating accident while on vacation elsewhere. Their deaths had left the property and the business in the hands of their two children, Tahlen and Esrin, who had been just teenagers at the time. Zelli, about twelve then, had sat with them at the memorial service. Esrin had scowled at the world but made sure Zelli ate from the provided food. Tahlen had looked blank and tired and hadn’t said a word.

They still had some property—the house, essentially—but the land around it was owned or leased for corporate grape growing. Tahlen had barely graduated high school and then started to work, first for anyone, then for Grandmother after Grandmother had had enough of whatever stubborn nonsense Tahlen had been up to. Tahlen was guaranteed good pay, decent hours, and a place to stay in Grandmother’s estate—Zelli suspected so Tahlen didn’t have to go to an empty house at night. The money from the leases went to help Esrin get through cooking school and then to help her expenses and debt while she worked in a fancy restaurant in town.

The restaurant industry should pay their workers better, in Zelli’s opinion.

Tahlen was now taking classes again, at Grandmother’s insistence, but honestly, Tahlen seemed more than content just working for her. He went out to inspect things at her side, and talked to people about the land and harvests and things Zelli didn’t touch, as that wasn’t the area of interest Zelli shared with his grandmother.

Grandmother did not actually need the income from the wine. The label was something of a hobby for her, but it was nonetheless highly sought after, and she loved the whole business. Which was probably why Tahlen was a dream come true for her. She adored and respected him, and since she detested most of the rest of the family and knew Zelli didn’t care about wine, Zelli suspected she was training Tahlen to take over for her when she could no longer do it.

That might also have been another reason Bethany chased after Tahlen when she was around, Zelli realized thoughtfully. His cousins could be perceptive and clever when it suited them to be.

Zelli’s strengths were really more in line with the rest of the family’s interests. Well, his interests and grandmother’s. He did not give much thought to the rest of the family, as he was sure they didn’t give any thought to him. His father certainly didn’t. They all generally only spoke to Grandmother when it involved some aspect of the family trust. Everything else, everything pertaining to Grandmother’s private money and investments, which were considerable, Zelli kept an eye on, as well their household expenses and some of the financials of the winery.

He didn’t really do much, but he at least did more than the cousins and aunts and uncles living off the trust who did nothing, then showed up once in a while to try to get on Grandmother’s good side.

She had no control over the family trust, but her business was hers, and it had done very well. She didn’t say so directly but had once or twice implied they were all just trying to get a mention in her will.

And to hit up Zelli for money, since Zelli didn’t have nearly the same expenditures as the rest of them and only tried to earn enough from everything else he did to pay for his gaming equipment and things like that.

Somewhere, Tahlen was scowling, Zelli just knew it. He sighed.

Zelli’s cousins, the only members of his family remotely close to Zelli in age, did not understand LEGO sets or supporting creators and streamers. They’d had a low opinion of the Spirited Away shirt Zelli had been wearing when they’d found him… and also of Zelli’s hair. He’d recently gotten an ill-advised haircut to try to deal with his uncontrollable, multitextured hair, wherein he had learned that without the weight to hold his hair down, his hair got even wilder.

Maybe Zelli was spoiled, as they’d suggested. He didn’t have to do anything for himself, that was true. Grandmother had a housekeeper and a cook. There was cleaning and gardening staff. And he had Grandmother to coddle him and keep him from the real world. Now, here he was. He couldn’t figure out how to Uber, and even if he looked up a cab company, he didn’t have an address to give them.

He checked his phone, nearly dropping it when he saw a message waiting for him.

1:30 AM

Tell me you are not here

A picture of the front of the house was attached: a yard now destroyed by someone’s crookedly parked car, some people standing around, smoking, and a couple on the hood of the car who were…

“Oh.” Zelli hoped that wasn’t one of his cousins.

1:34 AM

I’ll come out

1:34 AM

Just tell me where you are

He could practically see Tahlen’s stiff disapproval as he probably despaired over Zelli’s lack of sense and social skills and answered quickly so as not to inconvenience Tahlen more.

1:35 AM

Second floor, one of the back bedrooms.

He put his phone in his pocket and got up to peer out the window, hoping to see Tahlen’s tall form stalking toward the house. He didn’t, which meant Tahlen had been in the house when he’d sent the last text. Zelli spun around to face the door only a second before the sound of a gentle knock.

“Zelli?” Tahlen called softly through the door.

Zelli flew across the room to undo the lock and let Tahlen in.

“You had to lock the door?” Tahlen demanded in a low, unhappy voice, turning to glare down the hallway before coming in and shutting the door behind him. He studied Zelli intently for several seconds while Zelli tried not to fidget, then asked, even quieter than before, “Who scared you?”

Tahlen was not looming over Zelli, but he did loom. Nearly everyone could loom over Zelli, who tried not to take it personally. Friends online assured him he was a “short king” but Zelli didn’t feel very kingly. Tahlen was about six feet, tall, but not exceptionally so. He did, however, carry himself with the physical confidence of someone who had been an athlete in high school and had spent most of his life learning various martial arts “to relax.”

Zelli did not know how kendo or kenpō could be relaxing, but Tahlen felt the same way about some of Zelli’s games.

Tahlen also rode his horse often, stabled at Grandmother’s estate in an arrangement that Tahlen felt he ought to pay for while Grandmother ignored his protests because Tahlen often rode with Zelli when Zelli did, and she claimed Tahlen was Zelli’s security. As if they were in the 1920s and someone was going to kidnap Zelli for ransom.

Zelli had spent several months trying to convince Tahlen that no matter what his grandmother thought, Tahlen wasn’t obligated to spend time with him, with Tahlen glowering and going more silent until Zelli had finally given up.

Despite the time of night and the seasonal chill, Tahlen was in a t-shirt, leaving the tattoos on his forearms visible. Each arm had a mural for one of his parents and their interests: chess and horses on his left, flowers and wine and grapes on the right. He also had a constellation on the side of his neck. Zelli didn’t know the reason for that one, but it had sent him into a brief astronomy and then astrology phase in his teen years, at the height of his Tahlen crush. Tahlen probably had more ink. Zelli didn’t know where, though, if he did.

“Zelli?” Tahlen promptly unhappily, drawing Zelli’s eyes up from Tahlen’s bare skin.

Tahlen sometimes wore his hair longer, but it was short at the moment, a lovely, rich brown, like sable, or how Zelli imagined sable would look in person. Tahlen’s eyes were nearly the same color. Dressed like he was, in jeans that were worn and tight in the right places, unlike Zelli’s, he’d probably gotten stares as he’d come in. Possibly some for not dressing like the others here, but also for being so, well, remarkable. Handsome. Pretty.

Zelli’s poufy short hair was an indistinct brown, though he had tried dyeing it often as a teenager. He was surprised he hadn’t gotten beat up at the high school for the rainbow attempt actually, but then, Grandmother had sent Tahlen to pick him up every day by then. Tahlen’s glares were effective.

Zelli peered up at Tahlen, aware that he was sober all these hours after his first drinks, and that he had no excuse for staring except, “You came?” he asked in confusion. “For me? Really?”

Even in the dim bedroom, with only the light from outside to illuminate him, Tahlen’s surprise at the question was evident.

Zelli blinked eyes of undramatic hazel green. Eyes set in a freckled face that would darken in the sun, if Zelli would ever spend more time outside. He was ordinary, tiny, boring, nerdy Zelli, who did nothing and had achieved nothing, and who had once been so over-the-top about his teen feelings for Tahlen that it was a wonder Tahlen still talked to him.

“Are you drunk?” Tahlen leaned down to inspect Zelli from a better angle. His face was suddenly close, startling Zelli, who parted his lips but at least held in his gasp. “High?” Tahlen went on, disgruntled and concerned. “Did someone slip you something?”

Zelli stepped back on shaky legs. “It’s fine,” he assured Tahlen in strained voice. He coughed and tried again, taking another step back to clear his head. “Sorry.” He ignored how Tahlen’s mouth tightened at the word. “I’m fine. I had a drink at the club, and one at the bar I barely started, and whatever is downstairs didn’t look appealing. I’d really love some tea, to be honest. Ah.” It was no wonder Tahlen thought Zelli was high. He was babbling. About tea. “It’s obvious I spend most of my time with my grandmother, isn’t it?” He tried to be light. “It’s ridiculous that they dragged me out.”

Tahlen crossed his arms. “Why did you let them?” Again, was implied.

Zelli met Tahlen’s frustrated gaze, then had to look away. He shrugged. “I… thought I should try again. To be a regular person.” He bit his lip, which was going to chap. “Maybe I ought to try the community college, just to get out more. I could… I could get to know people my own age. In person and not online. Maybe learn to draw or something. I do think, at least Whitman, is genuinely concerned for me, in his way.”

“Oh yeah?” Tahlen challenged, still keeping his voice soft. “When was the last time any of them contacted you to ask how you are?”

Zelli had no answer for that, which Tahlen knew.

Tahlen let his voice rise, just a fraction. “Do they even know where you are right now?” An Or care? was implied as well.

Zelli didn’t know if he was reassuring himself or Tahlen. “I’m sure they’ll look for me whenever it’s time to leave. They did last time.”

“And they didn’t find you last time, as I recall.” Tahlen was fed up with the whole family and Zelli couldn’t blame him.

The last time had involved a trip to the city with Grandmother, and once the cousins had realized Zelli was there, they’d badgered him to go out with them, then shown him how to set up a tab at a bar with his credit card. They’d all disappeared at some point after that. Zelli had finally walked several city blocks back to the house and sat on the porch of his aunt and uncle’s house, waiting for Bethany or one of the others to come back to let him in.

He wasn’t aware Tahlen had known the details, but when Grandmother had given Tahlen the permissions to track Zelli’s iPhone, she must have told him. She’d only told Zelli to call Tahlen if he couldn’t reach her or didn’t want to bother her.

Zelli lifted his chin but couldn’t quite meet Tahlen’s eye. “Well, I think I enjoyed the night on the porch more than the bar anyway.” But a sigh followed his joke. “I’m just not meant for these sorts of things.”

“You’re more of a movie and a visit to a late-night café sort of person,” Tahlen agreed.

“I….” Zelli forgot what he’d been about to say. Tahlen regarded him seriously. Zelli regarded him in amazement. “Yes,” he finally answered, “if I must go out.”

“Or for a ride on Lemon Blossom,” Tahlen went on evenly, as if he didn’t think there was anything odd about Zelli’s few out-of-the-house activities.

“I’m boring, I know,” Zelli said anyway, more confused than he could ever remember being. “My interests are not sophisticated and I have no real passions.”

“It’s someone else streaming Minecraft, then. Or building those elaborate LEGO sets. Or playing around with numbers and figures in their head while watching TV.” Tahlen uncrossed his arms. “And someone else making whatever money it is you make as easily as you do. That seems sophisticated to me.”

Zelli scoffed quietly. “I couldn’t do nearly the amount of work you do, and you keep all that information in your head as well. Your interests are far more….” Tahlen’s expression said Zelli was deflecting. Zelli didn’t know when he’d learned to read Tahlen so well. Others, like Bethany, certainly couldn’t. But maybe if she really looked at Tahlen once in a while. He wondered if most people did. Or if they just saw Grandmother’s employee. Or an extremely attractive and hot person glaring at them. Though people seemed to like that, so maybe Tahlen didn’t mind that last one. “Sorry,” Zelli said abruptly. “I must have ruined your night.”

Tahlen was indeed glaring at the moment. “It’s not ruined.”

Zelli gestured loosely. “Interrupted, then.”

“Zelli.” Tahlen said his name on a sigh. “You’re always apologizing when you’ve no need to.”

“No need?” Zelli demanded in disbelief. “Grandmother insisting you do this for me? It’s too much. You shouldn’t have to….”

Tahlen was making a very strange face. Rather pained. Like when Zelli had spent several days nervously bouncing around the house while waiting for one of his online friends to visit. The friend had been coming to the area for something else and the two of them had planned to get lunch, but then something had come up so nothing had come of it anyway. Tahlen had probably thought Zelli was meeting up with a serial killer but had been doing his best to be supportive.

That was the face he was making right now. Which was to say, his face did not actually do much, a slight tightening of his lips, a glance away, but to Zelli his discomfort was clear as day.

“Maybe she didn’t insist?” Zelli amended his statement. “She just asked and you felt you shouldn’t say no?”

“I asked,” Tahlen corrected stiffly. “They left you on the porch.” Tahlen sounded as if he was speaking through gritted teeth. “In a strange city—a new-to-you city,” he added when Zelli started to object.

Zelli stared, his mouth definitely hanging open for a moment before he closed it. Something warm carried through him the way alcohol was supposed to, and like with alcohol, it made him say the first thing that came to mind. “It was really more of a stoop. I wouldn’t have made you drive all the way into the city to sit with me on a stoop.”

It wasn’t a joke, and Tahlen didn’t react as if it had been. “I could’ve stayed on the phone with you while you waited,” he explained patient and furious. “You shouldn’t have been alone.”

“Oh.” Zelli studied the tops of his dress shoes. He was warmed again, and yet felt like a dumbass in some way he couldn’t explain. As if he should have known that. It was insulting to Tahlen, really, that Zelli would assume he didn’t care, or that he felt obligated to. Tahlen took family seriously. Perhaps Zelli was more that than a friend or annoying sort-of housemate to him. “You’re very kind,” Zelli said to the shoes, in the voice of someone who spent all of his time around a senior citizen who had been raised with old-fashioned etiquette rules and had once attended an all-girls boarding school in Switzerland. “Thank you. I’ll think of that in the future… or not.” He peeked up at the sound of Tahlen’s annoyed little exhale. “I won’t let my cousins kidnap me again, but I will remember your concern.” That was better. “We should go, so you can at least have some of your night to yourself.”

“Why did you lock the door?”

Of course, Tahlen wasn’t going to let that go.

“Nothing. No reason,” Zelli said immediately. He looked up again, fully aware Tahlen wouldn’t believe that. “They’re loud,” he admitted, to Tahlen’s shoulder this time, instead of to his shoes. “And bigger than me. And some of them kept offering me things. I suppose it’s meant to be friendly. But they are also not really inclined to listen to no’s and one had a grip on my jacket that I couldn’t… so I slipped out of it and came up here.” He grew quieter and quieter the longer he went on. “And locked the door while I tried to figure out how to leave. Really, though,” he cleared his throat, “nothing happened and there’s no need to do anything about it. We can just go home.”

“Sit down, Zelli,” Tahlen ordered, gentle.

Zelli huffed. “Really, I…”

“You’re shaking,” Tahlen interrupted to inform him and then came forward.

Zelli stepped back, then bumped into the bed and sat. Tahlen was in front of him, too tall, and then kneeled down and put his hands on Zelli’s knees while he gazed at Zelli with concern and worry in his expression for anyone, even Bethany, to read.

Zelli stared blankly at him, at his hands, his forearms, the stars at his throat and his dark, warm eyes, which were so close.

Several years ago, Zelli had become aware that his feelings for Tahlen had gone far beyond a crush, but there hadn’t been anything to do about it, so he’d done his best to not think about them. He always had things to do, or could find things to do. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered, because Zelli was Zelli and he was not the sort of person to have feelings like that reciprocated, and never by someone like Tahlen. Grandmother had spotted them anyway, Zelli’s feelings, and advised him to be respectful, and to stay kind to Tahlen. So that was what Zelli had done. He had tried to stay out of Tahlen’s way, and to apologize when he messed up, and to only devote some of his time to making Tahlen smile.

Now this. He was tired and anxious. He was going to ruin it.

He did his best to look away, but Tahlen’s gaze was steady and demanded Zelli return it. Zelli couldn’t be rude, so he looked back, and released a long sigh. Tahlen was even more beautiful up close.

“It’s probably just that I never leave the house,” Zelli offered nervously. He was shaking. He hadn’t realized. “Maybe I should also… buy clothes more appropriate for going out. I don’t dress up… spend the money how I should.” His voice had a tremor too. “I’ve seen TikToks; I know how I could dress. Though it’s not going to make me anything but a permanent… a permanent twink as far as the world is concerned.”

He'd never said that word aloud to Tahlen before, but presumably, from Zelli’s rainbow hair and all of his teenage staring, Tahlen was well aware of Zelli’s queerness.

“Although not an especially pretty one,” Zelli added quickly, his face hot. “You’re going to tell me to breathe, aren’t you?” Tahlen’s eyes seemed to have lights in them. That should have been impossible. “I am breathing.” Zelli demonstrated that a few times. “Did Grandmother tell you about my go at therapy too?” He wasn’t resentful, merely curious. “I don’t really think I need it. My family, including my father, has no interest in me. That’s just a fact. I was raised by my grandmother away from town so my interests don’t match most in my age group. That’s all. It’s not a big deal.”

“Zelli,” Tahlen said his name so softly, “is that why you let them do this to you again?”

The heat from his hands was distracting.

Zelli breathed.

“I’m on my way to twenty-two and I’ve never done anything,” he blurted, embarrassed. “With anyone,” he added, because why not make his humiliation as clear as possible? “Though I want to. Well, nothing outside of a few online flirtations when I was younger, which went nowhere, of course. Because it doesn’t take much for people to realize I’m not….” Zelli shut his eyes. “You’re sexy and interesting and beautiful, so you don’t understand. But it’s…. My cousins don’t care about me. I know that. They want to use my money. But I’m alone all the time. It’s me, and everyone in the staff, and Grandmother.”

“And me.”

Zelli opened his eyes, then immediately dropped his head to look at Tahlen’s hands instead of into his eyes. Zelli was supposed to be better than his creepy staring by now. “I just annoy you. Don’t pretend I don’t. My teen years… I am sorry about that.”

Tahlen took a second. “That was a while ago. You don’t need to keep apologizing for it. You didn’t actually do anything.”

“I was inappropriate,” Zelli insisted unhappily, mumbling.

Tahlen inched in closer, bringing Zelli’s gaze back to his frowning face. “You weren’t. And it was years ago. I was also… I was not in a good place at the time, regardless, but you never annoyed me. For fuck’s sake, Zelli,” Tahlen said it with the same softness as before, “I grew up next to your house, to you and your grandmother. I never thought you were spoiled or a brat or creepy. To be honest, I didn’t think of you much at all, then.”

Zelli heaved a sigh, but nodded. “I should be grateful for that.”

Tahlen didn’t budge. “But your grandmother was so worried about you. It made me start to worry about you. It’s second nature now.”

Zelli gave him a sad shrug.

Frustration flickered through Tahlen’s expression. “Not because you’re helpless—although we are downloading Uber for you when we get home.” He waited, apparently wanting to be certain Zelli was listening, then went on. “Because you care a lot, and the world can be harsh and cold.”

“You really are wonderful, Tahlen.” The tremor hadn’t left Zelli’s voice. Tahlen looked comically startled for a moment, then his frown returned. Zelli hurried away from the careless compliment. “Would you say we’re friends?”

The pinched, pained, vexed look returned to Tahlen’s face. The music downstairs was louder, the silence heavier.

Zelli tried to correct his faux pas. “I’m not very good at people. I’m sorry. Oh, I’m apologizing again—sorry.” He winced and stopped.

Tahlen seemed to be processing. Maybe he’d forgotten his hands were on Zelli. Zelli wondered if he ought to be remind him, worrying he would cause more offense if he did, then that it was creepy not to. That was overthinking, he knew that, and rushed past it.

“I like being your friend.” He meant it. “Though, other than people I might not ever meet in person, that might make you my best friend. Which is,” probably sad, “perhaps uncomfortable for you? Obviously, I don’t expect to be your best friend. That would be presumptuous.”

“Presumptuous,” Tahlen echoed flatly. Displeased.

“We do spend a lot of time together these days,” Zelli realized out loud. They went riding. They shared meals in the kitchen. Grandmother would go to bed early, and many nights, Tahlen stayed up with Zelli in the living room, one or both of them working or reading or on their phone, or not doing anything but watching TV together.

Zelli’s internet friends kept demanding pictures of Tahlen, insisting Zelli had feelings that he had denied to them, despite all the time he spent in Tahlen’s company.

“But I don’t even know if you’re seeing anyone,” Zelli finished, “or bestie things like that.”

“Bestie,” Tahlen repeated, looking at Zelli incredulously before tossing his head to dismiss that. “If I’m not working, I’m generally with you.” He said it like he was spelling something out, which was also how it felt to Zelli, so that must have been what Tahlen was doing. “Because I like spending time with you. Even though you are….” He made an impatient, irritated sound in his throat. Then, raising his eyes, watched Zelli closely, “I invited you out two weeks ago, to see that cartoon movie you wanted to see, in the little movie theater in town.”

“It’s anime, not a cartoon,” Zelli corrected out of habit from a dozen conversations with Tahlen about it. Then he shut his mouth.

Tahlen’s lips were soft, his eyes narrowed but bright. Defiant or worried, Zelli couldn’t decide; it was a new expression and he wasn’t sure of it.

“So,” Tahlen ignored Zelli’s correction, “why say yes to your cousins but not that?”

“I’d make it weird.” Zelli waved his hands around on the word ‘weird’ to show what he meant. “You almost never go to the movies.” Zelli went alone, when he did go, or with Grandmother if she approved of whatever it was. But Tahlen almost never saw anything in theaters. “So, if we went to that, I’d want to make sure you enjoyed yourself, even though you’ll make a face for the story—you know you will, don’t pretend you wouldn’t—and I’d get you soda, and peanut M&Ms, and popcorn, and even those orangey-yellow nachos if you wanted. And I’d probably sit too close to you or stare if you laughed or…” Zelli gulped. “I should stop talking now. I’m not drunk. I’m just… tired. And anxious. I get anxious sometimes. It’s not a big deal. Sorry.”

“Even the nachos?” Tahlen wondered, his tone also new to Zelli. “You think movie theater nachos are gross.”

“I think they look gross.” Zelli absently wrinkled his nose. “I’ve never had them.” He glanced to Tahlen’s face, his eyes, lit up and not angry. “They serve beer and wine at the little theater. I’d probably try to get you that, too,” Zelli admitted quietly, “and then you’d worry about driving me home, so we’d have to walk for a while or go get coffee or something afterward. And I’d do something stupid, you see, because I don’t know any better. I’d,” he darted his gaze away again, “think it was a date, or feel like it was romantic, and I don’t know what I would say, but it would…”

He stopped as Tahlen leaned in, his face tilted up, his eyes intent. His breath was soft against Zelli’s mouth. His lips looked as if they would also be soft.

“I’d…” Zelli tried again to speak, but forgot what he’d been saying. “Tahlen,” he complained quietly, “it’s 1:30 in the morning. I’m confused. If you don’t stop, I’ll think you want to…”

“Kiss you?” Tahlen finished for him, then did precisely that.

Tahlen’s palm and fingertips grazed the side of Zelli’s face, his thumb brushing Zelli’s abused bottom lip. His lips were soft. His breath was light. His mouth fit easily to Zelli’s. Zelli’s eyes fell closed without his conscious direction. He shivered and didn’t know why, because he was more than warm, more than content, floating despite the heavy rush of his pulse.

Tahlen eased back, leaving Zelli flushed hot and breathing too hard. Zelli made a small sound of protest and was immediately flustered to hear himself, but Tahlen brought his hand up again before Zelli could try to apologize. He gently urged Zelli to tilt his head to the side and then Tahlen was kissing him again, still careful though not as soft, as if he had tasted Zelli’s mouth was now savoring it, a thought to make Zelli clutch Tahlen’s shoulders and whine for more.

“It would have been a date, Zelli,” Tahlen explained after giving Zelli innumerable breathless, lingering kisses, each of them hotter than the last and hitting Zelli in places Tahlen’s hands never touched. Tahlen sighed the words as though he had been waiting to say them. “That’s why I asked you.”

Zelli forced his eyes open. He leaned away, only enough to find his breath, but Tahlen dropped his hand. It landed back on Zelli’s knee.

The music from downstairs, from outside, was muted. Zelli’s heartbeat was loud.

“Peanut M&Ms are my favorite,” Tahlen revealed quietly.

Zelli’s nod was weak. “I know. I want to give you all your favorite things.” Tahlen’s eyebrows went up as if this was a surprise. Zelli had hidden more than he’d thought he had. “I didn’t because… it would be weird. Wouldn’t it?”

Zelli had just been kissed. Many times. By Tahlen. It was the middle of the night. He wasn’t thinking clearly.

Tahlen eased down onto his knees in front of Zelli once again, his gaze steadying the longer Zelli studied him.

“Wouldn’t it?” Zelli asked again.

“Maybe.” Tahlen quirked a corner of his lips. The lips that just had been on Zelli’s. The lips that kept stealing Zelli’s attention. “But I wouldn’t mind. I…. There’s no one in the whole world, except possibly my sister, who would ever think about giving me all of my favorite things.” He frowned. “Which I am not demanding. But the M&Ms… I’d accept those from you, if you gave them to me.”

“I could do better?” The offer slipped out. “Better than candy and popcorn, I mean. I have money. That zombie show you like… I saw a mug for it the other day and I wanted to get it for you.”

Tahlen’s frown disappeared. The slight curve returned to his mouth, then a wider one, until Tahlen’s smile was unmistakable.

“Smiling like that for me. What am I supposed to do with that?” Zelli asked helplessly, distantly worried that someone had slipped him something and he was imagining this. The worry became less distant when he saw his hand reaching out and felt the tips of his fingers falling to rest on Tahlen’s lips.

Tahlen closed his eyes.

“Lovely.” Zelli meant it, though he hiccupped when it made Tahlen look at him. “But I don’t know what to do.”

Tahlen curled his hand around Zelli’s wrist and gently pulled it down to his neck. Zelli splayed his fingers to cover the blue and black ink of the constellation. Tahlen took his hand away, leaving Zelli to overthink petting him or not petting him. It felt good, touching Tahlen. Warming, deep inside, but also physically, practically warm on his skin.

“Did my grandmother know about this?” The question came out sharp as the possibility occurred to Zelli, but he swept his thumb beneath Tahlen’s ear and Tahlen’s eyes closed again. A slight shiver ran through him. “Oh.” Zelli wasn’t shaking anymore but his heart was pounding. Someone far away, hopefully very far away, was arguing with her boyfriend. He didn’t like the sound. He didn’t want anything to make Tahlen open his eyes to frown. “We should go home. I’ll text my cousins so they’ll know where I got to.” But after he and Tahlen had gone, he decided, so his cousins couldn’t hitch a ride with them. They could find their own ways back.

Despite Zelli’s meager protective efforts, Tahlen opened his eyes, then tightened his jaw: displeased, but not going to argue. “If you want to,” he said, meaning he wouldn’t have told Zelli’s cousins a damn thing. “It’s your decision.”

“I suppose it is.” Zelli looked from his hand on Tahlen to Tahlen’s face.

“You seem better now,” Tahlen observed. “You scared me when I first saw you. It scared me to get your text. But I’m glad you sent it.”

Zelli pulled his hand back almost guiltily. “Are you? I just told you I’d never done anything and that I’ve been trying not to creep on you, which implies that I wanted to. Which I did. Not be creepy—that’s not what I meant. It’s just… there is no one else like you. I obviously think you’re wonderful. People who’ve never even met you know that.”

Nonplussed was the emotional state conveyed by the twitch of Tahlen’s eyebrows and general stillness. But then Tahlen forced his confusion away and looked to Zelli. “Can I take you home now?”

“All right,” Zelli agreed shyly, even though they both would have gone home anyway, whatever his answer. Then he realized he had no idea what would happen once they got there. “Did I interrupt your night? Until my family showed up, I was looking forward to finishing The Fae and Dragon Chronicles on HBO Max with you. Not that I assumed you’d be watching with me. The past two weeks, you were away a lot…” Tahlen’s eyebrows went up, pointed. “Oh, I see.” Zelli did see. “I’m sorry. I would have said yes. Well, if I’d believed you really wanted to….” The air left him. He took a moment, stunned as the truth sank in. “You really wanted to go on a date with me.”

Tahlen sat up, sliding a hand to the back of Zelli’s neck while leaning in to offer another kiss, less careful, a little harder in a way that had Zelli whining again.

Zelli finally pulled away to bite his tingling bottom lip and stare at Tahlen. At least Tahlen was out of breath too.

“Are you really sure?” Zelli asked, despite the warmth all through him and the smile on Tahlen’s face. “I’m not very attractive, and I’m not as rich as Grandmother, and I am sort of useless around the house.”

Tahlen’s smile slipped. “Mizel.”

“Sorry.” Zelli shook his head. “I do perhaps need the therapy. I know. My father….” He didn’t want to talk about his father now. Or ever, really. He slid ungracefully down to his knees but his tumble made Tahlen’s smile return, and Tahlen put an arm around him before standing up and tugging Zelli to his feet with him. Tahlen’s arm was warm too, and solid, and very steady. Zelli was going to like having it around him too much and make it weird.

No. He stopped that thought there. Tahlen was smiling. It wasn’t weird—or, if it was, Tahlen didn’t mind.

“When we get home” –around 2am by then, but Zelli was hardly going to sleep now— “we might have time for at least one episode. And some tea. Or… we could kiss some more?”

Tahlen kissed him again right there, as if he couldn’t wait.

Zelli wrapped his arms around Tahlen too, worrying over it despite himself.

Tahlen allowed it, in any case. “Tea, and an episode, and kissing,” he agreed, though he might have work to do in the morning. It didn’t seem much of a date, since it was what they might have done anyway, except for the kissing.

At the thought, Zelli frowned thoughtfully, inching back to gaze up into Tahlen’s handsome, flushed face. “Did you feel lonely, sitting with me in the living room in different chairs, on opposite sides of the couch, wishing for… wishing? Because I wished, but I’ve never felt lonely around you. It’s why I…. Of all my Tahlen-feelings, that has never been one of them.”

Tahlen’s gaze met his, nearly glowing from within.

“Oh,” Zelli said, bashfully pleased. He supposed anything else, more questions, more kissing, whatever might follow the kissing, even the tea, could wait. He wasn’t looking forward to the walk back through this house, but the rest made him want to hide his face against Tahlen’s arm or kiss Tahlen harder than Tahlen had kissed him. Which, thankfully, he did not know how to do, and he couldn’t reach Tahlen’s mouth without Tahlen’s help anyway.

“Then I’ve had enough of being out for one night.” He thought Tahlen understood what he meant and agreed, because he took Zelli’s hand to lead him from the room, his post-kiss face hardening into something fierce and unhappy before he opened the door. But his hold on Zelli’s hand did not change, and he kept Zelli close as they made their escape.

#a suitable bodyguard #the modern au #hopefully it makes a little bit more sense to people now #tahlen gets all the peanut m&ms

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void-cloud · 8 months

Text

So I've been ignoring my Mom all year. Which is more than usual.

See, last year I made it a point to at least call for birthdays and meet up for food every couple months or so. But this year it's been full silence from my side since what happened in January. And with the usually obligatory major holiday meetup looming in front of me, I've been trying to figure out why.

Well, turns out: I hate her.

I know this is mental health tumblr, so this isn't really a very unique statement, but I'm happy to be part of this club now x)

I knew I didn't like her. And my entire family is united in knowing that she isn't easy to deal with. But for all this time I have maintained that I don't hate her for what happened during my childhood. Yeah sure the fallout is *vaguely motions to my entire psych rep sheet* but it's not like she is the only one who had a hand in giving me abandonement issues. Both my sisters and Dad equally fucked off and left me behind in one way or another.

And yet, I don't hold the same animosity with them the way I do with her. I can have zero contact with Sis 2 for a year and we'll get together and talk and vibe with zero problems. Sis 1 apologizing to me for leaving at that time is a memory I hold dear and while I have way more conflicting feelings about my Dad, his unwavering support in the last couple years has made up for a lot of what happened earlier.

While nothing is truly resolved (and likely won't ever be at this point cause tbh I have other priorities), they all made changes and evolved and we found ways to support each other to whatever capacity possible.

Meanwhile, the person who actually raised me has just gotten worse over the years. Getting more and more wrapped up in her own bitterness and jealousy and how she has to have it the worst and everyones problems are somehow her fault and *sighs*

She yearns for connection and yet everytime something is not about her or something that interests her then it will get dismissed and the topic changed. When I got a (second) tattoo years ago, her first reaction was to say: "No stop doing that." Whenever I tried to share my interests with her growing up, she would dismiss it cause she didn't care about the thing. And then be hurt by us not having anything to talk about. I have told her multiple times that her throwing out my cool nightlamp sucked and I still think about that sometimes and so far she has apologized twice for hiding a book that had pictures she didn't approve of. Oh no, H.R.Giger is gonna...idk, I honestly never noticed that book being gone cause it was an impulse buy.

Like, there are actually many things that I can rationalize away if it was just that. Her being weird about me being queer sucked, but she also never stopped me from dating same gender or otherwise express myself. Dropping me with "family" while they fought out the divorce is a good chunk of why I am as fucked as I am but also....I 100% understand that it wasn't done with any malice. From her point of view it was the best thing she could do and welp, nobody connected the dots and did some damage control afterwards. Which is also on the rest of the family tbh

The thing is that she just never stopped being that way. Unwilling to hear that her decisions weren't good and blaming people who bring these things up for attacking her and "Well ok all is just my fault! Are you happy now??! ;_;"

A lot of things broke in me in January.

My patience for her shit was one of those.

While writing this New Years passed and I did not talk to her. Instead I spent a couple days with the rest of the family on vacation.

She has tried calling me a couple times but I just stare at the phone and move on with the day.

Idk, part of me would be elated to just go fully no contact for longer, but another wants to give her...something? A notion of why this is happening I guess. Just can't find it fully in me to formulate it yet

I'm ready to say I hate her, but I'm not ready to fully abandon her

#watching my sis straight up refuse to play along anymore has been eye opening #yells at cloud #people cloud #yelling at family

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evilmageclub · 10 months

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for the ao3 wrapped ask meme: 17, 27, and 30!!

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

it would be so funny if i said someone other than samot or samothes. its Unnamed Aubade Fisherman jk i think its samothes?

i started off this calendar year writing him adoring samot all across time for secsam, and then the rest of the year ive been writing his mellowed postcanon self from samot's perspective. which is harder for me than just being in samothes' head but i love to do it. such a fundamental part of samothes' character (and big theme of hieron, etc.) is how his myth and creed and the narratives about him cast such a long shadow that who he is on a personal level barely matters. except in his most intimate relationships, you would think!!! however-

when samot is my narrator, i like playing with the tension between how truly well he knows samothes and the reductive narratives that same past experience leads him to impose on their relationship going forward. a little game of which part of this samothes characterisation comes from me the author and which bit is samot projecting. so much of false rings is samothes figuring out how to respond to samot's worse assumptions about him without vindicating them (and reckoning for himself with how true some of them might still be), but we only see it filtered again through all samot's baggage and editorialising which is fun to me. then again, all of that except the narrative perspective is equally true in the other direction. theyre each confronted with who they were (and perhaps are still) in the eyes of someone who loved them and wants to do so again. so maybe really my answer there is both of them sorry im failing to choose between a pair of mirrors here

27. What do you listen to while writing?

love a good ambient fantasy music playlist sorry im basic. i do just listen to the hieron soundtracks a fair amount. finch also made me a false rings playlist (: i wrote most of the second half of chapter 7 listening to that . and occasionally my own samsam playlist which i share hesitantly because its a mess, as my taste in music is generally. the best songs on it were other peoples idea (domestication and arms i know so well and heart of chambers all timers shoutout to lee and finch and austin walker for those)

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

honestly? i just spent 10mins trying to think of an answer to this and i think the thing im most genuinely surprised by is literally just that i finished a 60k+ word project that took me multiple years. all my life i have had cant work on something for more than a month disease, ive written things as long as 30k before but always rushed them in fear of losing interest (and yes always lost interest and didnt finish). except with samsam they are an as-yet endless well of something singularly delicious to me

#ask game #thank u for asking!!

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cartoonfangirl1218 · 10 months

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Hello, first of all I'm happy to see Legend of the Dragon watcher/fan and I had fun reading your posts and your thoughts on improvements, I love those ideas a lot, especially the episode where Ang thinks about why he was chosen as Golden Dragon warriors? Is it okay for me to ask if you have any more Legend of the Dragon headcanons? Any other theories on LOTD in general? Thanks again for your LOTD posts and have a good day.

Yay, I'm so glad someone else read my thoughts. It seems the fandom isn't active cuz you know it came out over a decade ago so it's cool someone was reading it. Like I said, the show is kinda mediocire but the characters and the potential is so enjoyable I can't help but like it.

Anyway, I didn't think I had any hcs but once I started thinking here's what I came up with.

The show didn't have a clear sense of how guardians are chosen so I believe it's sorta like A:TLA where the guardians are reincarnated. It's most likely the guardians are children of previous guardians like Ang and Ling. Others do not have guardian family members but their innate guardian abilities are noticed by other masters and guardians and they're invited into the fold when they're young like Xuan Chu and Bengal.

I hc that Ang and Ling went to normal school in Hong Kong. We didn't see it because they were 18 and already graduated but they'd go to school during the day and continue their training afterschool. That way they had a balanced, well-rounded life considering their circumstances.

Since Ang didn't think he was going to be Golden Dragon, he took a lot of pride and effort in his work, planning on going to college and travelling etc. His favorite subjects were film, history, gym and philosphy. If he didn't have guardian training, he would have done lots of after-school sports and maybe even some drama so he could pretend he was a movie star like Wang Lee.

He thiught he was going to be a film-maker, maybe a travel documentarian and then retire in his older age to become a teacher at the dojo like Master Chin.

Ling was equally good at school. Less because of learning or college but because she is insanely competitive. Her best subjects were anything in STEM. Unlike Ang, she placed all her plans on becoming Golden Dragn and didn't have much interest in school activities or future plans.

In fact, the twins were kinda in the middle in the popularity chain. They were interesting because they were smart, good-looking and athletic but they were also intimidating and "weird" because of how much time they spent at the dojo and martial arts training. They had friends but they were more like school friends which they didn't associate with outside of class cuz again, dojo/guardian training take up a lot of time.

They did go on a few dates but it never went anywhere. Ang because his choices were superficial and he'd find out that they had nothing in common or they were using him for status points. Ling because she's intimidating or the guys were just as arrogant as her and they'd clash.

When the twins were little, they had looked on Master Chin as a father figure but as they grew older that dynamic cooled and they saw him as just another authority figure. One that cared but nothing paternal. Master Chin never saw them as his children but strictly as his proteges though he does care for them in his own way.

Ang and Ling hadn't known they were descended from the former dragon and ram guardians. They had been told their parents were fellow martial arts teachers and died in a car accident.

When their mom starts regaining their memory, Ang is a bit disappointed that their mom isn't the badass warrior she used to be and how awkward it is trying to bond with her. He lived so long without needing parental guidence or her support, he doesn't know how to act with her.

Ling feels awkard because she doesn't want to tell her mother about all the awful things she's done like teaming up with the man who killed their father/her husband. She's sure that if her mom knew, she'd hate her. She's also dealing with the whole never needing parental support and now they suddenly have someone. How do you confide with a mother who you don't even know and she doesn't remember you?

There should just be an episode dealing with these familial problems.

Bengal had been brought to the dojo as an orphan. Intitally she was just going to be another one of many trainees and martial arts experts but then the tiger guardian saw her spirit and decided to train her to succeed her. Bengal would come to entirely devote herself to the guardians, seeing they as her community, giving her a purpose and a family. Because of that she chose to be home-schooled and would become the youngest guardian at 16. Then Ming would displace her when she became rat guardian at 12.

Bengal was a childhood friend of the twins but her crush on Ang developed more gradually. While she's all things guardian, she is attracted to how Ang is so much part of the outside world-how he wants to travel, his interst in film. He's so creative and entusiastic and caring. He has a lighter side to her more pessimistic black and white view that she appreciates even if it annoys her. And she finds his jokes hilarious or at least, hilariously endearing.

Ang has feelings for Bengal, he just doesn't know it yet. He's still holding out for Karen Kwan lol.

I like to hc that they do get together eventually. Probably in the middle of a dramatic, near death battle that makes Ang realize how much she matters to him. Or he's dying and Bengal can't hold back her feelings any longer.

Or less dramatically but he gets jealous of K-Ho and Bengal's friendship. He says it's because he doesn't trust K-Ho and it's wrong if he's playing with Ling's feelings. But ooo, he's jealous. And Ling is also jealous. She thinks that K-Ho and Bengal together would be too staid and serious as a couple, but she's internally worried that K-Ho is attracted to Bengal's maturity and disicipline that Ling lacks.

K-Ho and Ling would also get together eventually in much less dramatic means. They go on a regular date and just continue on. But their dates are always interesting from motorcycling across the Great Wall to meditation and yoga. He calms her darker side yet challenges her to be better.

Xuan Chu and his family really did live in the jungle. They were a anthropologist and zoologist respectively and lived among the apes like Jane Goodall. Unfortunately, they died from maleria or some other jungle disease early on when Xuan Chu was 12, and he continued to live with the gorillas until he caught the notice of one of the guardians and he was chosen to be trained as the monkey guardian as he best exemplified the spirit.

Initially, Ling had been invested in being the Golden Dragon for altruistic means. But it should be noted that even when she was little, she had always been more interested in the Golden Dragon's heroic exploits and glory rather than the whole helping people that was at the root of the Dragon's actions. As her skills improved, her ego would get the best of her and influence her negative mindset of entitlement and power-hungry instincts.

Ang's choice to be Golden Dragon is driven by purer means of helping the world and keeping it in balance from darker forces.

Bengal is driven by her feelings of gratitude toward the guardians as well as a fierce sense of order and justice.

Xuan Chu is driven by the responsibility placed on him, the utter trust of those above him that he could succeed that he never felt from anyone else before. It's part of the reason why he feels like such a failure when he loses the band.

I've seen from one another Legend of the Dragon fan saying that Ling should have stayed the Shadow Dragon in keeping with the whole yin-yang balance theme and I kinda like the idea. I also like Ling's golden dragon design too.

So to reconcile these two, I'd have season 2 but a season where Ling tries to redeem herself from her previous actions as the Shadow Dragon. Yet she remains her snarky, self-absorbed self at times. More anti-hero than hero compared to her brother.

Meanwhile, the season would have Ang facing the darker parts of himself like his suspicious nature, his desire to be the sole hero and leader, his desire to abandon the post so he could have the normal life he had before; his unwilling to let others take the spotlight since he's used to being the sole leader before Ling become co-dragon. He's not a psycho like Ling during her shadow dragon phase but his darkness is potent and makes him question his ability to be golden dragon.

It would end with Ang and Ling realizing that to bring balance in the world, they must accept they have both yin and yang in themselves. It's not possible to be all good or all bad.

Eventually, Ang regains his confidence as Golden Dragon and Ling decides to become the Shadow Dragon again. This time inspired by K-Ho's example of being a neutral evil force of balance instead of destructive power as she was before and confident that she can reign her dark side.

So the twins continue to fight by each other's side as Golden and Shadow Dragons. Though if the situation arises they can become co-Golden or co-Shadow Dragons. That would have been a cooler power upgrade instead of that cartoonish two-headed dragon from the finale.

Also Xuan Chu would become human again and get his armband. Idk how but I wish season 2 resolved that.

So that's about it. I hope you enjoy my little hcs and I'd love to know your thoughts and hcs on the show too.

#legend of the dragon #ang leung #ling leung #bengal #xuan chu #k ho #master chin #my hcs #my headcanons

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