#I as a musician with lead singer syndrome would not put up with that at all

[neon-danger]

I was going to link y’all to this fic I’ve been reading because I’m absolutely obsessed with how diverse every single character is written

[soundsof71]

FIVE ALBUMS YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!

aka, My Top 5 of 2020, but I didn’t want to seem too retro!

Yep, I have a classic rock blog. Yep, I think that the best rock and roll in history is being made RIGHT NOW. And yep, ALL of it is being made by women. 

(Shown at top, Nova Twins by Ant Adams [x] and The Tissues by Michael Espleta [x]. I was planning to make a collage of all my faves in concert, but  not all of them were able to play in 2020. Both of these photos are pre-pandemic.)

There’s been quite a bit of movement on this list, and all five of these have spent some time at Number 1 as the year has done (gestures broadly) All This™. Anyone looking for rock and roll is going to dig any of these. 

Rocking out is just the start of it, though. Wrestling with my bipolarity and schizophrenia is tough on a good day, and there haven’t been too many of those lately. The plague has also taken its toll around me, with two family members dead and a third who’s doing better, but will likely never be all the way back. (Mask up, kids!)

I’ve written plenty about how deeply Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers have moved me this year (and will do so again), but in those rare stretches where I’ve had enough spare energy to listen to music at all these days, I’ve mostly been looking for more than beautiful music. Heavy times need heavy lifting, and I find that in heavy music. 

The five albums here have all helped carry me, pointing the way toward light.

1) BULLY, SUGAREGG

Alicia Bognanno is a force of nature as a guitarist, vocalist, composer, and producer/engineer. (While working on her degree in audio engineering at MTSU, she interned with Steve Albini, who remains both a fan and an admirer). A Nashville transplant from Minnesota, she’s still a natural fit in her home on Sub Pop: as heavy as Soundgarden, as hooky as Sleater-Kinney. 

I was blown away hearing her searing honesty while working through her discoveries of her bisexuality and bipolarity (double bi!), and her triumphant roar lifts me out of my seat every time I listen.

“She sings the hell out of [these songs], her voice fraying to the point of combustion every time she launches to the top of her range. This is phenomenal music for converting anger and anxiety into unbound joy.” ~Stereogum, Album of the Week

Also, check this fantastic interview with Alicia in the New York Times talking about what she’s gone through to get here. 

TURN IT UP!

2) GANSER, LOOK AT THAT SKY

Ganser syndrome is a rare dissociative disorder characterized by nonsensical or wrong answers to questions and other dissociative symptoms such as fugue, amnesia or conversion disorder, often with visual pseudohallucinations and a decreased state of consciousness. ~Wikipedia #it me

‘Just Look At That Sky’ doesn’t presume to offer solutions; it’s an honest document of what it feels like to wade through anxiety, day by day, not a survival guide or handbook of answers none of us actually have. Whether or not you pay attention to this, Ganser are simply one of the most invigorating, exciting new bands. ~Clashmusic

I saw one very positive review compare Ganser to a cross between Fugazi and Sonic Youth, but I think they hit much, much harder than either of those. And as you can surely guess, I also deeply relate to their themes of mental illness and dissociation while trying to make it through All This™. But my god, are they TIGHT. This is a BAND.

Ganser has two fantastic lead vocalists, and on “Bad Form”, bassist/vocalist Alicia Gaines wrote the song for the voice of keyboardist/vocalist Nadia Garofolo. Alicia also wrote a FANTASTIC essay on the strains that making an album during a pandemic puts on the mental health of the entire band at talkhouse: “Writing, recording, reaching out, balancing relationships outside and within the band, I found (and still find) myself under-rested and agitated to no particular end. More than not doing enough, I was not enough.” 

(If you can’t relate to that, I can’t relate to you, tbh.)

This video also does a fantastic job of showing dissociation. TURN IT UP!

3) THE TISSUES, BLUE FILM

“Blue Film” is a ten-song shot of dagger-twisting electro-(s)punk. It’s completely addictive from the very first listen. The tour de force is “Rear Window”, an art-punk masterpiece of slashing guitars and mad caterwauling. Copious doses of jaunty poetics and social commentary reward the earlooker patient enough to untangle Kristine Nevrose’s hysterical meowing about intergalactic salt shakers and hysterectomies, but I’m too emotionally invested to look under the hood.” ~ Sputnik Music

“Rear Window” is in fact my most-played 2020 track. TURN IT UP!

4) GUM COUNTRY, SOMEWHERE

It’s not all heavy! But even when I’m looking for something light and hooky, I need a bite, and Gum Country has done it with the kind of swirly, feeedback-laden wall of sound that Lush or Yo La Tengo would make if they lived in LA. (Recent transplants to SoCal from Vancouver, I do think that the sunshine has gone straight to their heads, in the very best way.)

Indie music nerds will know guitarist/composer/singer/front woman Courtney Garvin from The Courtneys, and she really does throw up a glorious wall of sound. I adore this video too! Sweet, swinging, fun -- and yes, the drummer is playing keyboard with one hand while slapping the skins with the other! 

I mentioned earlier that all five of these albums have spent part of the year at #1 on my list -- I think that this one might have spent the longest stretch there. Like all shoegaze, even as hooky as this, the truth of these songs is revealed in VOLUME. TURN IT UP!

5) NOVA TWINS, WHO ARE THE GIRLS?

Now, THIS is heavy! Amy Lee (vocals, guitar) and Georgia South (bass) are fucking LOUD, and insanely intense. A mix of grime, hip-hop, metal, punk, and good old rock and roll, they’re a harder-hitting, more theatrical Prodigy, with a pyre of intensity that recalls the heaviest howls of Rage Against The Machine. Indeed, Nova Twins spent a good bit of 2019 playing heavy metal festivals and toured as openers for Prophets of Rage. (Tom Morello has been a fan and supporter from the beginning.)

As you may have noted in the photo at the top of this post, their musical audacity extends to visuals too: they design their own clothes, hair, and makeup, they art direct their own videos, and more. They impress the hell out of me, and I’ve been a huge fan since hearing their first singles in 2018. I’ll plant a flag and say that Georgia South in particular is the most innovative musician on any instrument in any genre right now, but they’re both absolutely monsters. 

I’m honestly not at all sure that #5 is high enough for this, but I’m absolutely certain that after this video, you’re gonna need to rest for a little. LOL

“Taxi” is the story of two gleefully and creatively violent women shaking up the local crime syndicate as they use a vintage cab for their moving murder scene. This is the movie that Robert Rodriguez wishes he was making with Sin City, if it were combined with Blade Runner and The Matrix. And gangsters. And a snake.

I’m gonna take your crown I’m gonna, I’m gonna bleed you out We demand it by the hour We devour, control, power

I’m gonna burn it down Even the, even the royals bow

So not the same kind of therapeutic work being explored on this rekkid, but you know what? Fucking shit up is therapeutic too! 

Definitely take this full screen, and for the love of fuck, TURN IT UP!

SO. Not done with the best of 2020 yet? I’m sure not! A lot of my favorite songs aren’t on albums (at least not yet), so for an unedited list of everything I’m finding, check out my Spotify list, 2020: Shuffle This List! 268 songs and counting, over 15 hours, and not finished yet. I’m still checking out everyone else’s Best of lists (including yours! Message me links to yours!!!), so will probably be adding to this for most of 2021, too. 

And for more banging tracks by women from 2020, plus a few 2019 gems that I’m still grooving to, check out my more thoroughly curated Spotify playlist Women Bangers: A Tumblr New Classics Jam. (You’ll see a couple of these tracks there!) I’m working on a YouTube playlist and an essay to properly roll that one out. I’m also still tweaking the ending, but the three dozen or so tunes there are definitely bangin’.

Tell me if you hear anything you dig here, and tell me what YOU’VE found! We’re gonna get through this together.

Yr pal, Timmy

[ollyarchive]

My son the global pop star? Olly Alexander's mum Vicki Thornton talks about growing up gay in Gloucestershire, Gogglebox and Glastonbury

Olly Alexander's mum speaks candidly about being mother of the flamboyant Years and Years frontman

Watching Vicki Thornton on the Celebrity Gogglebox sofa it would be easy to imagine that having a famous child is an easy passport to the good life.

Every Friday night for weeks the Forest of Dean mum-of-two has been on TV  sipping Prosecco while commenting on TV programmes with son Olly Alexander, the flamboyant frontman with the chart-topping band Years & Years.

On the face of it it’s been a charmed motherhood. First she watched the talented young man leave college to succeed as an actor, treading the boards as Peter Pan in a play with Judi Dench and appearing in movies such as Gulliver’s Travels, The Riot Club and Great Expectations.

Within a few years he appeared to seamlessly achieve global musical success with a chart-topping band and which led to a much applauded appearance on the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury Festival 2019. This weekend he is appearing on the same stage as Ariana Grande at Manchester Pride.

Yet anybody who follows Olly knows it’s not all been red carpet premieres,  backstage passes and Gogglebox for Vicky, it’s also been about hearing uncomfortable truths about a son who has used his growing success as a platform to publicly campaign for LGBT rights.

Growing Up Gay

Not only has she had to listen to how he secretly self-harmed and developed bulimia as a closet gay teenager growing up in the Forest of Dean, but in 2017 she also bravely agreed to appear in an an emotional BBC Three documentary about how it can lead to mental health issues.

In Growing Up Gay Olly admitted that just driving home back to sleepy Coleford with the film crew stirred up such painful memories that it made him feel physically sick.

If that wasn’t difficult enough to hear, Vicki learned that Olly, who attended St  John’s Cof E Primary School in Coleford and Monmouth Comprehensive, had been unable to tell anyone that he was being bullied from a young age because he had long hair and seemed gay.

“When he asked if I would do the documentary, it was a bit of a decision to make because I knew it would mean digging up the past and going further into the reasons for the problem,”  said community artist Vicki.

“ I knew that having to face up to issues  I was not aware of at the time was going to be a very difficult process, but if it was going to help Olly and other people in similar situations I had to do it.

“I had to be  open and honest about everything which meant confronting my own feelings of guilt. You have to openly accept that you may have made some bad choices and decisions but you are human. It’s not about making excuses, it’s about learning from your mistakes.”

The documentary was so painful that the producers had Vicki assessed psychologically to make sure she could deal with the deeply personal issues it raised and arranged for her to have counselling beforehand.

Still a much watched video on iPlayer, it shows them sifting through photographs and videos of what his mum thought was a happy, innocent childhood on a beautiful part of the world.

“Going through the family history you see all these little happy, innocent little faces” said Vicky who also has an older son who has aspergers syndrome. “It’s terrible to think somebody could be hurting them.

“I think the bullying was mostly mental but when someone is full of joy and happiness and somebody else comes along and closes that down, it is the saddest thing.

“As parents you think you know what’s going on, you think that they are safe, they are happy, they are fed, all the boxes are ticked. But you don’t know the half of it.

“The  little things I heard about what happened to Olly that he and his brother have talked about, are awful.”

Everyone thinks their child is amazing but I knew Olly was special

Community artist Vicki said she knew “in her bones” even before Olly, 29, was born that he would go on do great things.

“Every mother thinks that, and every child is amazing, but I knew that this child was different, there was something there,” she said.

“Olly was always a bright, funny, happy child, full of life. He was such a bouncy, lovely little cherub  that I could never get cross with him,  ever.

“On the rare occasion that he would throw a tantrum I would find it funny and just laugh at him. He would just stand and scream blue murder and it was just hilarious.”

Life in the Forest of Dean

Their early days were spent living near theme parks that his father promoted but in 1997 the family moved to the Forest of Dean where his parents set about creating a model village tourist attraction.

It was a musical, creative, left leaning household and although he loves Rihanna, and famously met the singer on the Graham Norton show,  Olly, credits much of his influences to listening to his mother’s tapes of Nina Simone, Joni Mitchell and Stevie Wonder. She was one of the founders of the local music festival where Olly cut his teeth.

“I used to be a puppeteer actor in an education travelling theatre company in the late 1980s," said Vicky when asked about her bohemian background.

“When I was younger I was also a backing singer in a band called Innamanna. We played the Marquee in London and did some recording but when we had to decide ‘do we stick with this or carry on with our careers?’ it folded.

"But I couldn’t stand on a stage in front of thousands of people like Olly does. I would die.”

Olly as a boy

It was clear that Olly had inherited her artistic streak and although a talented gymnast and able academic, he concentrated on music and drama, later saying it was because he felt at home with the weird kids.

Vicki remembers him being very driven, open minded and very focussed.

“Olly taught himself to play the piano and to sing and there was always a healthy competition with his best friend Joe to get the best parts in the school plays,” recalled Vicki

“He was always singing all over the house.  He loved Disney and he would get old song books full of the classics and teach himself on the piano.

“He did not want to be in musicals but loved the singing and performance side of it.”

I did not realise there was so much pain going on inside.

In the documentary the talented singer songwriter says that  he did not have the vocabulary to put how he was feeling into words and  felt too ashamed to admit it anybody he was gay. Even his mother. He desperately wanted to be straight so he never admitted it.

“On the surface he was a real high achiever so I  had no idea there was so much starting to bubble up as a young teenager,” said Vicki.

“I thought the sky was the limit for him. I thought he could do anything he could put his mind to but I did not realise there was so much pain going on inside.”

“Because he was always fun happy, smiley,  lovely child achieving lots of things at school, I thought things were fine.

“Probably my eye was  off the ball because I was going through a lot of life changes at the time and maybe I was in denial that there was something going wrong.”

Marriage split

In an interview last year with the former Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell, Olly says his diaries show a clear link between his father leaving and creating a “family implosion” and his mental health health issues developing around he age of 13.

They are estranged but met up when his father contacted Olly through Twitter and in subsequent interviews it’s clear the singer was less than impressed with the reality as opposed to the imagined version of an aspiring musician father who he had always wanted to impress.

“Splitting up with their dad made life a lot harder, definitely financially, and so life was a big struggle,” said Vicki.

“That’s probably part of the reason why I had my eye off the ball. I was distracted doing other things, so we were a bit dysfunctional or a while, which I feel guilty about.

“But I don’t feel guilty about that relationship ending at all, both for the boys and myself.”

Coming out

She says although from the outside it looked like Olly was enjoying a glittering lifestyle after leaving sixth form college to travel abroad filming the movie Summerhill, he was often penniless and had to take jobs such as selling hot dogs on the South Bank in between the contracts. She wasn’t in a position to help pay the rent either.

He was 18 or 19 and involved in the gay party scene in London when he plucked up the courage to pick up the phone and tell her outright that he was gay.

Vicki said: “He had said to me once ‘I don’t think you are going to have any grandchildren’. Not taking the hint, I said ‘well never say never’.

“He obviously got to the point where he thought ‘I’d better actually say it to mum because she doesn’t get it’.

“He phoned me up and said ‘you do know I am gay don’t you?’ . I said ‘Are you? OK’ and that was it really. I suppose I had a feeling he might be but maybe I didn’t want to confirm that because of fear about what his life might become because of all the homophobia out there.”

Vicky told told her elderly mother,  who sang on Broadway with the D’ Oyly opera company before cutting her career short to get married and have a family.

“Her immediate reaction was ‘but he will not be able to go to Africa, it’s illegal in Africa’, laughed Vicky about her 89-year-old mother who follows her grandson avidly on social media and has even seen Years & Years in concert.

“Like me, she doesn’t want to see him marginalised because marginalised sections of society can  attract a lot of negative behaviour. Nobody wants to see their nearest and dearest suffer from that.”

I just hope kids today aren’t going through the same thing

From that moment on Vicky has worried about her son being the victim of homophobia and although she is intensely proud, she still fears that being a figurehead for equality could make him a target.

“I wish he felt he could have talked  to me and maybe I could have prevented all of that, but I understand that is very difficult for young people,” she said.

“I remember that feeling of not being able to talk to my parents  and I just hope kids today aren’t going through the same thing. They get more support at school than they did 15 years ago but bullying and social media trolling still happens.

“I do worry about him being exposed to bigotry and homophobia. it’s not nice to think about your child living in fear.”

In an interview last year Olly was asked if he ever wanted to confront the bullies who made his life miserable growing up but he said he doesn’t think about it much any more because his life had changed so much.

He said he still takes anti-depressants, has weekly therapy sessions and works out a lot to keep his mental and physical health on track.

While campaigning for more to be done to prevent male suicide after being named as GQ Man of the Year,  he admitted he still has occasional days when he doesn’t want to get out of bed because his life does not feel worth living and can be too frightened to go on stage, or cries when he comes off. He hides behind outlandish costumes and make up.

The fun side of having a famous son

It's clear that there is a close bond between mother and son and Olly likes her to share in his successes.

For instance in the early days the pop star  arranged for her to wear an expensive diamond necklace to the red carpet premiere of Great Expectations in which he played Herbert Pocket.

“It was insane,” said Vicki. “ We had taxi from where he lived to the red carpet and there was all these people at the barriers.

“I thought they are going to be so disappointed when I get out because I’m no-one. Somebody took me to one side while Olly went off to meet the paparazzi and because it was raining they put a brolly over my head.

“Then we went in and watched the film which was mind-blowing because I was sat next to some of the actor’s. When it was finished we went to the after-party which was all very very glam.”

Naturally shy, Vicky was overawed to meet the likes of Jeremy Irvine, who starred in War Horse.

“I was quite overwhelmed by it all at first but I have got more relaxed about being in that kind of environment,” she said.

“The whole thing is a bit surreal really. It’s a bit  like a film in itself. Once I was this close to Helen Bonham Carter who I think is fantastic, but you don’t want to go up to people saying ‘I love you’.

“Olly told me once, that when they started filming he actually said to her ‘I love you Helen Bonham Carter’ and and she said ‘I would love you too if I knew who you were’, but she later came to the stage door to congratulate him after Alice and Peter.”

More recently Vicky was overwhelmed when she was introduced the men from one of her favourite TV programmes, the Netflix series Queer Eye, at Radio One’s Big Weekend in Swansea.

“I love watching them but when Olly introduced me I didn’t know what to say and was stuck for words because I get so tongue tied,” she admitted.

Gogglebox

The star is protective of Vickyi who does not even like speaking on the stage at Coleford Music Festival but told her it was time for her to come out of her shell for Gogglebox.

“It’s different because there isn’t anybody else in the room and it’s all about Olly because that’s who they are interested in,” she said of the TV show.

“It feels really nice sitting there together eating snacks, drinking Prosecco and enjoying each other’s company, but I don’t think I have anything really  interesting to say.

“You are thinking ‘should I be on my best behaviour because I’m on tele or should I be like I am at home?’. There is a little conflict going on in your head but it’s really good fun.

“It’s weird watching yourself back,  seeing what you do, what you sound like and the faces you pull. I didn’t realise I pulled so many weird faces.”

Every week she has to decide on a comfortable top for sitting on the  sofa and says they did initially consider getting matching onesies and really mad slippers but decided against it.

She shares TV tastes with her son who loves programmes such as Killing Eve and Stranger Things and Fleabag. They also love Gogglebox, especially Rylan Clark Neal and his mother and Chris Eubank and his son. She was delighted when Rylan sent a lovely message to Olly about her.

“If Olly likes something I will give it a go because I know I will probably like it,” she says. “I would never have watched Love Island if Olly hadn’t watched it. “

Staying true to yourself

Before the Years and Years single Communion catapulted the band into into the charts, Vicky had another important phone call from the Shine singer.

“He said they didn’t want him to say he was gay and he was really cross about it because didn’t want to pretend to be something he wasn’t” she said.

“I told him to stick to his guns, that you have to be true to yourself for anything to be real. I have taught them that if they are kind, truthful and respectful to other people, everything else will follow.”

Olly took her advice and when she first went to Glastonbury to see him burst onto the John Peel stage in 2015 wearing a rainbow, Pride suit he was involved in a very public relationship with Neil Milan from Clean Bandit who were playing the Pyramid stage.

Although in  pop star mode he is happy to speak openly about his own sexuality and  ongoing struggles with anxiety, Olly also admits that the fairytale of fame and fortune has not proved the antidote to depression and he remains a leading advocate for mental health issues.

In fact Gay Times described him as one of the most influential gay pop stars of this generation and added: "All hail the King!”

Glastonbury 2019

Vicky was astounded by how big it has become since the days she used to go and got lost for hours on the first night after deciding to camp for the weekend.

On Sunday Olly arranged for Vicky, her partner Kev and Coleford Mayor Nick Penny to go backstage and then watch from the Pyramid Stage balcony as he gave a widely-applauded, eloquent moving speech marking the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots.

Many say the speech appealing for compassion and a society that does not leave anybody behind was the highlight of the festival.

“It’s not the best view because you cannot see what’s happening from the front, but just to be there looking  out from the stage and seeing all those thousands and thousands of people who are all there to see Years and Years and Olly, well it was just mesmerising,” she said.

“That whole feeling of emotion, the pride, It’s like when you see your child in a nativity play but  a million times over.

“I knew he was going to make a speech and I knew that knowing Olly it was going to be special, but I did not  did not know the content or when he was going to say it.

“I was just so proud and when I got home I had to watch it over and over again.”

“I cannot believe how brave and strong Olly is about what he believes in. I admire that in him so much and have so much respect for him to be able to do that.”

The feeling is mutual and Olly has repeatedly spoken about how proud he was of his mum to speak so openly about his childhood in the documentary even though she is not to blame for his troubles.

Olly takes care of his family

Although he spends long periods touring with the band, when he is in London Olly has a small set of friends from home who he has known since primary school which Vickis believes it is good for his sanity.

He recently spoke about how good it has been going from being too skint to go out to be able to help his family out financially and pay for the drinks on a night out.

Thanks to Olly buying her a new house Vicky has moved from the small cottage in the centre of Coleford where she would get the odd knock on the door from Years and Years fans pretending to be looking for a non existent neighbour.

Speaking to her it’s clear that have a famous child is not too much different than having any other. You always feel guilty, you are very proud of their achievements, you want them to happy, you worry about them being safe and you lose your name. At one festival she spotted a flag saying “Olly’s Mum”, something parents all over the world can identify with.

“As a parent I think you always feel guilty, but  I’m proud that Olly has grown into this amazing human being,” says Vicki who has been on a journey alongside her famous son.

“It’s such an amazing thing to have happened that to try and get your head around it all is impossible, so you don’t bother.

“Lots of people ask about him and say things like  – ‘your boy’s doing well’ and I think ‘just a bit’. On the whole though, life just carries on as normal.”

[sheanam]

i was inspired to create new background characters for outliers, perhaps they’re somebody’s neighbors eventually, and came up with these two! their names are jamie and hector ‘heck’ barclay, a married couple in their early forties from scotland, who’ve known each other since they were eight year old bffs and have been inseparable ever since

loooong dump of various character history details under the cut! because it all came to me very quickly and i gotta get it out there! and i’m only getting it out there because a lot of it won’t be relevant for a very long time or even show up in the comic at all probably!

jamie and heck (heck/heckie are the scottish nicknames for hector, i’m very tickled) are both metahumans, though of the very lowkey variety that makes them useless as superhero material, not that either would ever want to be one; they’re very happy as plain civilians, thanks. they met in a special primary school themed around preparing metahuman children for integration into regular non-powered society, and their super powers could best be described as ‘songbird’ and ‘disney princess’

jamie’s got bird wings on his back and a few other birdy features (jury’s out on whether or not walt’s powers would freak him out like regular birds), but that’s about it; the wings are pretty much just big useless accessories, they’re not big or powerful enough for him to do more than a little angry chicken flapping, and jamie suspects that whatever metahuman genes he’s got are half-assed and not fully developed. he’s a real good singer and musician, though!

heck’s got a little bit of a nature-y spirit thing going on? insects, birds and small animals are frequently attracted to him, water near him runs clean and the koi pond he’s got in the backyard is perfect, and the vegetables in his garden grow big and spotless. he can even do a little bit of light soothing and healing, and can cause some really eerie glowing at night if he really puts his mind to it

they were born and raised in glasgow, though they both got out as soon as they could; heck went to college down in london, studying history and languages, and jamie left school immediately to work in the music industry, becoming a session musician (bass guitar and piano) and eventually his own solo act. they both stayed very close and when forced to be far apart made sure to keep in touch over the years, and when jamie’s career started building he hired heck as a general assistant so that he could come with him on tour, leading to a lot of fast and fancy music industry people wondering why this dowdy little sweater man was attached to a cool rising star’s hip

jamie and heck are both on the grey ace spectrum, and spent a lot of years struggling to figure out their dating lives and preferences and such; it made for some stressful personal times for jamie as a rising rockstar, and heck was convinced he was just going to be a lonely ‘confirmed bachelor’ his whole life. one night during a tour they both got very drunk and emotional and woke up the next morning married, where they both went ‘...oh! well alright. sure!’ and stuck with it, because dammit they realized how devoted to each other they are and don’t really care about anybody else, might as well

jamie put out two albums and a couple singles; most of his stuff sold okay and one of his singles went gold, and he had a very promising musical future ahead of him, but health issues that’d been bothering him since his teens finally built up to a head and he wound up diagnosed with a pretty solid case of fibromyalgia. he couldn’t tour anymore and he struggled even to keep up with a regular recording studio schedule, so he was forced to retire. he’s a stay-at-home dad who occasionally puts music online when he feels up to it now, remembered as a one-hit wonder who maintains a small but loyal following, and he’s pretty bitter about how things turned out. he’s got a number of fibro symptoms that he has to deal with, chronic pain and exhaustion and weakness and all the other fun stuff, and has various walking aids for the bad days and sunglasses for when the light sensitivity and headaches play up; having a third set of limbs doesn’t help much

heck does part-time tutoring at a local community college and for online courses, helping students learn french and latin, but does what he can to be at home a lot so he can be with jamie. likes food and making food for others (and making sure jamie gets something in him on the bad days), gardening, and knitting/sewing. he’s made quite a few of his own sweaters and scarves! heck’s got a quaint little etsy shop too, where he sells seeds and bulbs from his garden, and some of the stuff he knits

they’ve got a kid or two because heck’s very nurturing and for all his grumpy grousing jamie’s pretty dadly too (and deathly afraid of failing at it due to his chronic illness); one’s away at a boarding school on a scholarship and they’re not really sure what to do with themselves, they weren’t expecting empty nest syndrome this early. both have a couple siblings themselves but neither’s family is particularly great, heck’s in particular, which is why heck took jamie’s last name when they got married. they both keep in touch with one decent sibling, but for the most part are on their own, and are very happy that way

anyway they’re cute and i like them

[yeahyeahbeebisii]

Impostor Syndrome Draft: The Replacement

This is a rough draft for the story I’m writing. James, a member of an extraordinarily popular rock group has been killed in a car crash, and their management has a plan to avoid the uproar it would cause.

It wasn’t a remarkable building in any way. Plain brick, barely more than a house, but the weight of it imposed on me greatly. I had only seen it in magazine pictures, and looking at it in its full size and color was more impressive than I could convey. I knocked on the door, buzzing with excitement. A moment passed, and as I waited, my mind drifted back to the odd feeling I’d had when that man Nigel approached me. My suspicion that something may have been wrong turned to certainty when Nigel himself opened the door. He looked slightly disheveled, and his brow was clearly beaded with sweat. 

“You’re late.” He said as soon as he appeared.

“Yes, Mr. Taylor, I’m sorry, the bus-”

“Nevermind.” He cut me off with a forced smile. “You’re just fine, my boy. Please-” He gestured me inside. It was a small foyer with coat hooks directly opposite the entrance, and doors leading left and right on either side. Now a bit uneasy, I cautiously hung up my coat.

“Step in here for a moment, please.” He said, ushering me through the right door and shutting it behind us. It looked to be a recording room. I had never been in one before, and gazed around curiously. 

“What’s your full name, lad?” Nigel asked, pulling out a small notepad from his pocket.

“Oh, uh, William.” I replied, trying to focus again. “William Joseph Watts.” He scribbled it down. I couldn’t help but peek over at the notepad. There was a long list of names written on it, mine now joining them.

“Wonderful, now, would you mind singing a few bars of something for me? Anything you’d like.”

I was confused. I thought I’d only come to do a photoshoot. Why did I have to sing? But being in The Wildes’ studio, I began to sing their song Your Eyes. Almost immediately Nigel beamed, and by the end he was grinning from ear to ear.

“Phenomenal.” He said. “Absolutely phenomenal. Would you mind coming with me?”

He took me from the right room and into the left, which was obviously a lounge or break room, and sitting there, right in front of me, were Ricky Greene and Jeremy Wright. There was also a third man I didn’t recognise, leaning against the opposite wall. They turned to us as we entered. 

“Oh there he is.” Said Ricky sternly. “Calls us in today of all days then leaves us here for hours.”

“Nigel what have you been doing running about all morning?” Jeremy asked. They both sounded irritated, Jeremy almost sounded sad. My bewilderment was growing by the second, but was now somewhat outweighed by my shock at two of my favorite musicians sitting in front of me. 

“I’ll tell you in a moment.” Nigel said, sounding almost nervous. “Eh, where’s Simon?”

“Out back.” the third man said flatly.

“Who’s this?” Ricky asked, nodding to me. My heart jumped a bit, having been acknowledged. I felt a bit embarrassed by how easily I was moved by seeing famous people, but it wasn’t every day you got to meet international pop stars. 

“That’s exactly what I wanted to discuss with you boys.” Nigel put a hand on my shoulder. I noticed he was sweating a bit harder now. “Would you bring Simon in, please?” 

Jeremy got off the couch and went to the sliding french door on the opposite side of the room. He poked his head out, and a moment later, Simon Morris walked in, a cigarette dangling apathetically between his fingers. I smiled unintentionally at the growing gathering, but Simon clearly didn’t share my enthusiasm.

“It’s about time.” He snapped at Nigel and flopped down on a chair. Then his eyes fell on me. “Who’s this?”

“Good, alright, I’ll explain.” Nigel said. “Now that we’re all gathered-”

But as a thought struck me, I interrupted him.

“Where’s James?”

The looks I got in response made up for the gaping silence. They ranged from fury to panic, and now I knew for sure something was horribly wrong. 

“Did something happen?” Still silence. Nigel cleared his throat.

“Boys, this is Will Watts, Will, this is Jeremy, Simon, and Ricky. They’re obviously a band. That’s Edward Scott, he’s our producer. Right now we have a problem.” If looks could kill, Nigel would have been dead three times over by the way the band was glaring at him. He seemed to have lost the ability to speak, his mouth flapping a bit, but unable to continue.

“We’ve lost a member.” Edward finished softly, saving Nigel from his own silence.

“What?” I breathed. “James left?”

“Not exactly.” Nigel said, gradually getting quieter.

“James is dead.” Simon snapped, obviously angry at the ambiguity of it. “There was a car crash last week. He’s dead, he’s dead, just fucking say it Nigel.”

“Mind your tone.” Nigel shot back as forcefully as his anxiety would allow, but I was barely listening. I couldn’t say anything. My mouth just hung open. 

“Why haven’t I heard about this?” I asked finally. “Why hasn’t anyone heard about this? People will be heartbroken!” 

“That’s part of the problem we’re trying to avoid.” Nigel said. “No one is allowed to know.”

“Yet.” Ricky added.

“Er, no.” Nigel stumbled, "No one is going to know."

"They're going to notice if one of our lead singers is gone." Simon said sharply.

"That's where Will comes in." Nigel gestured to me, and suddenly I felt extremely exposed. I knew as little about what he was talking about as the band did, but now they all glared daggers at me as the implication of what Nigel was saying began to click. 

"Nigel," Jeremy spoke up, seeming to want to cut off anyone else's potential anger. "Are you suggesting we use this man to hide a James' death from the public?" 

Nigel's unease was palpable, his face white, but he gave no answer. Jeremy turned to Edward instead, who took a long sigh.

 "That is the idea." He said. I could feel the color quickly leaving my face. He couldn’t possibly be serious.

Simon slowly stood up from his chair, locking eyes with Nigel. He gradually and deliberately made his way to him until their noses were practically touching. 

"Nigel," he whispered. "You're absolutely, fucking, MENTAL!" He screamed the last word, grabbing his manager by the lapel.

"Get your hands off me!" Nigel said, pushing Simon away. He seemed to have recovered some sense of confidence. "I know this isn't ideal. But Gold Bar has decided it’s the best option right now.”

“The fuck you have!” Simon shouted. “We didn’t get any say in this?”

“It’s not your decision.” Nigel yelled back. Then he took a breath and seemed to reevaluate. “Look, right now the world is unsteady. Like it or not, you’re icons, and that means your impact is important. You’re a refuge for people who have too much to deal with as it is. Pop culture is an escape, and if that’s disrupted it could make things worse than they already are.”

“Oh shut up.” Simon groaned loudly. “You’re a company, we’re your assets. Don’t make it sound like world peace, you cunt.” None of the others interjected, and it didn’t look like they disagreed at all, not even his producer.

“You can think what you like, this is non-negotiable.” Nigel replied. He seemed to have given up on convincing them. Simon turned to Edward instead, who didn’t look back at him. 

“You knew about this?” He asked. There was a softer edge to his voice that wasn’t present with Nigel. It sounded more like betrayal than anger.

“I was told,” Edward replied, gently, “just like you.”

“When?” Simon’s voice cracked as he said it.

“A couple days after the crash. It wasn’t my decision either.”

Simon just shook his head in utter disgust and disbelief. Silence fell again. 

“I suppose... you’re going to be training him to play, yeah?” Ricky asked quietly. 

“No,” Simon interrupted before Nigel could respond. “You’re not actually considering this a possibility.” It wasn’t a question, it was almost an order. 

“What choice do we have?” Jeremy muttered quietly. He hadn’t stopped staring at the floor for several minutes. “You heard the man”

“We can quit!” Simon said desperately. “Tell everyone what they’re trying to do to us!” He pointed venomously at Nigel.

“Maybe he’s right though.” Said Jeremy. “Maybe it’s best we try to get back to normal.”

“It’s not normal!” Simon screamed. His voice reverberated around the small room. “My best friend just died! We’re not going to be normal again, there’s nothing ‘normal’ about any of this!”

“You think you’re the only one who’s hurt?” Jeremy said sternly, standing up. He was a good few inches taller than Simon and looked angrily down on him. 

“I seem to be!” he replied loudly. “If you’re just going to give up like this I can’t see-”

“Don’t tell me how I feel!” Jeremy yelled. “You have no idea how this impacted me!”

Everyone fell silent for a long time. No one wanted to be the first to speak. 

Nigel cleared his throat hesitantly. “That’s all I needed from you today. Will,” he turned to me, “I just need one more moment with you, I’ll see you out.” 

I followed him out the door silently. I was still in shock. Before I shut the door behind me I took a glance back at the rockstars I had just met, likely on the worst terms possible. They all looked back furiously. I averted my eyes quickly and shut the door. 

On the doorstep, Nigel couldn’t look me in the eye. I desperately wished he would. I needed some certainty, something I could grasp, even just a look that wasn’t embrewed with rage. 

“I’m sorry about that.” He said, looking at the doormat, the street, his hands, and everywhere but my face. I wanted to ask how he would have wanted them to react to such a statement, but I didn’t.  “They’ll come around. But you’ll consider the offer, won’t you?” 

What could I even say to that? “Are you seriously asking this from me?” I held my own hands to stop them from shaking. “To take over someone else’s life?”

“If you don’t accept we’ll just find someone else. I’m sure there’s people dying for this chance.- Pardon my wording.” He said. Finally he made eye contact.  “It’s your chance to famous. Be loved, respected across nations. You wouldn’t even have to work at it first. And really, your voice is an impeccable match.” The way he dangled it in front of me you’d think it was nothing. But then I thought about my life back home. What did I really have to go back to? What would I do when I returned? Not only with the next few days, but the next months and years. I shook my head slightly at even considering it. It was absolutely insane, not even counting the disrespect to the dead. But even standing there in front of the studio, the more I thought about it, the more it rolled around feeling more normal in my mind, the more tempting it seemed. 

“Will you let me think about it?” I asked.

“Of course.” Nigel said. He put a hand on my shoulder again. “You have my number, call me when you make your decision.” 

Then he turned, descended the steps, and made his way to a white car parked on the street. I just stood there, stunned and finally alone. I had to focus on every step I took just to get down the porch steps. It took me another few seconds to remember which way I had to go. I began trying to navigate my way back to the bus stop while trying to juggle everything that had been said to me. But before I could get very far, I heard a voice call my name from behind me. I turned just in time to see Edward Scott pull the door shut as he stepped out into the cold November air. 

"Do you mind if I walk with you?" He asked politely. In truth, I did. I was feeling distinctly overwhelmed as it was, and didn't know if I could handle any more poking and prodding at my judgement. 

But "No, I don't mind." was what I said. 

"That's kind of you." He said, pulling on a pair of knitted gloves. "I'm sure you're fairly overwhelmed." 

"A bit." I said, trying not to sound sharp. 

"I'm sorry Nigel didn't tell you what you were walking into. I saw your face in there, you looked terrified." His tired hazel eyes were very sincere. I didn't know if this was simply how he normally looked, but it was a welcome change from Nigel's panicked glancing.

"I was." I said sheepishly. "I… am." 

"Will, I want to be honest with you." His tone shifted from sympathy to sternness. "This could be many people's dream come true. But it could be many people's nightmare. You don't have to do this if you don't want to." He sighed. "I can't guarantee how the boys will react if you choose to. And frankly, I won't make apologies for them. They just lost a close friend. For Simon, his closest. You'd have to have surgery, you'd have to learn how to play guitar and bass-" he cut himself off rather quickly and asked "do you play guitar?"

I shook my head. 

“I play piano a little but that’s it.”

“Hm.” Edward nodded, extracting a cigarette box from his coat and pulling one out. He offered one to me, but I declined. “I just want you to consider all sides of it.” he said. 

“I appreciate that.” His honesty was refreshing, but it didn’t help put my mind at ease. My mind almost drew a blank, this was so outside anything I’d ever expected from my life I didn’t know what to feel. “Nigel’s really set on this plan, isn’t he?” I asked.

“It sounds like it.” Edward replied. “I should have fought him harder, but their minds are made up now.” 

I barely listened. My face must have been pretty blank, because when Edward looked back at me, he sighed lightly and said, “I should let you go.”

I realized how distant I had been and stopped to look back. 

“I’m sorry.” I said, trying to refocus. 

“Don’t be.” He stuck out his hand. “It was nice to meet you, Will.”

[eretzyisrael]

he talented and inspirational Shalva Band is considered a top contender to represent Israel at the Eurovision Song Contest in Tel Aviv this year. But the group of musicians – made up of young adults with disabilities – is considering backing out of Hakochav Haba, the competition show that selects Israel’s Eurovision contestant. Why? Because of Shabbat.

If the Shalva Band wins in the live finale of Hakochav Haba in two weeks, it will be slated to represent Israel during the Eurovision finale on Saturday night, May 18. And that includes a commitment to take part in rehearsals over Shabbat. But several members of the band are religiously observant, and are not willing to commit to working on Friday night or Saturday.

Sources close to Shalva told The Jerusalem Post that if the band is not allowed to record its rehearsal before Shabbat, it will simply not be able to participate at all.

A source close to the show’s production said that since the Eurovision preaches diversity and acceptance, it would be a shame for the group to be ruled out over religious observance. “We really, really want it to all work itself out,” the source said Tuesday. “What does it say about the Eurovision, if there’s an opportunity for a band like this to go as far as possible, but they’re not able to take part, because of their religion? It really saddens us.” The source said Keshet, the network that airs Hakochav Haba, is still waiting to hear from the European Broadcasting Union whether a compromise is possible. A source closely involved with the Eurovision production pointed out to the Post on Wednesday that there is much more than just a rehearsal at stake. The Friday evening dress rehearsal serves two additional purposes: It is what the jury members from all participating countries view before casting their votes, and it is recorded to be used in case of any technical difficulties or problems during the live Saturday night broadcast. And with 42 countries participating in the weeklong event, timing and scheduling is of the utmost importance, and flexibility is almost nonexistent. A spokesman for the European Broadcasting Union (EBU), which organizes the Eurovision, reiterated the issues involved. “All broadcasters commit to abide by the contest rules when agreeing to participate.... These rules include the obligation of attendance across all rehearsals and live shows, for delegation members and contestants,” he told the Post on Wednesday. The spokesman said that any request for special treatment “is to be put to the ESC Reference Group [the contest’s governing body].” The EBU said the group will decide “at its discretion” whether it can make an exception, and will not rule on any “hypothetical situation.” A source close to the Eurovision production said that exceptions like this are very rare for the EBU, and it is unlikely it would allow a change to its tight schedule. Earlier this month, pop singer Omer Adam turned down an opportunity to perform at the Eurovision over the same issue. Neither Shalva nor Keshet would publicly comment on the situation. A spokeswoman for the KAN public broadcaster, which is organizing the competition, said the selection of Israel’s contestant is solely the domain of Keshet and the production company behind Hakochav Haba. She said KAN becomes involved only once the contestant has been selected by the show. WITH THE live finale of Hakochav Haba just two weeks away, how likely is a Shalva Band victory? The eight band members have easily won over the hearts and minds of the show’s panel of judges – and of a wide swath of the Israeli public. The group, which came together through its connection to the Shalva National Children’s Center in Jerusalem, has consistently received top scores from the judges and the studio audience for its performances. “That was an inspiring performance,” said Static, one of the judges, after the group sang “Here Comes the Sun” in its first audition. “Everyone has limitations, and there is no more resounding proof than you guys that if you want something, it’s possible. And you guys can really pull it off.” After its second performance, singing the Jane Bordeaux song “Eich Efshar Shelo” (“How Can It Not Be”), the band received an unheard-of 100% approval from the judges and audience. “You’re amazing, it’s such a joy to listen to you,” said judge Assaf Amdursky. And fellow judge Shiri Maimon added: “You guys have it all. You’re moving, you’re inspiring, and you’re so talented. It’s perfect for the Eurovision. We would be so proud if you represented us.” Each one of the band members has shown viewers that their limitations have no effect on their musical talents. Deena, an immigrant from India, and Annael, an immigrant from France – the band’s lead singers – are both blind. Yosef has Williams syndrome, Yair and Tal have Down syndrome, and Guy is visually impaired. They’re joined on stage by Shai, the band’s manager, who helped found the group after a long recovery from a serious injury during his IDF service, and Sarah, the daughter of Kalman and Malki Samuels, the founders of the Shalva Center. On Monday evening’s episode, the band performed its first-ever original song on the show, titled “Ani Roah Bach Mashehu Tov” (“I See Something Good in You”), which Tal interpreted into sign language live onstage. “There are days that I don’t find answers/ When I think about who I am/ And who I dreamed of being,” sang Annael. “When I look you in the eyes/ I see an ocean of hope/ Now you don’t believe me/ But remember, you’re not alone.”

[djrokymanson]

Los Angeles Times Sunday Calendar March 5, 1989

The Thelonious Monster Mash What’s L.A.’s maverick rock group doing recording Tracy Chapman?

by Robert Hilburn

Thelonious Monster is as irreverent and fiercely independent a rock band as any to come out of Los Angeles in the ‘80s. The group’s live shows early in its career were so unruly that I twice left clubs assuming the group had just broken up. If lead Monster Bob Forrest wasn’t battling with his own bandmates, he was causing havoc with club owners or sound men.

“We’ve got four managers,” Forrest once said. “And they don’t do anything except tell club owners, ‘I’m sorry for the way the band acted.’ “

The title of the group’s first album underscored the satire and sarcasm in the band’s themes: “Baby…You’re Bummin’ My Life Out In A Supreme Fashion.”

So what are these rock mavericks doing performing “For My Lover,” a song by establishment darling Tracy Chapman on their new “Stormy Weather” album?

It’s got to be a gag, right?

“No way,” growled lead singer Forrest, his right hand wrapped around a bottle of beer in a Fairfax area Mexican restaurant that is a favorite of local rock musicians.

“I like Tracy Chapman,” he continued. “I never realized someone might think [doing the song] was a gag until people started asking us about it. A lot of our fans seem defensive about the song. I guess it’s the fact that she’s so popular, but we were doing that song before anyone knew who she was. I saw her in Washington D.C. a year ago.”

The explanation shouldn’t come as a surprise to those who have been paying close attention to Monster’s music—as opposed to the band’s chaotic behavior and Forrest’s eccentric appearance (with his long, stringy hair and mischievous grin, he often looks like someone who just stepped off the set of a British comedy).

As a writer and singer, Forrest has shown a sharp and original vision in his own songs, and an integrity and imagination in his choice of outside material, which has ranged from Bob Dylan to Public Image Ltd.

In “Sammy Hagar Weekend” from the new album (released by Relativity Records and produced by X’s John Doe). Forrest writes with a satiric edge worthy of Randy Newman.

On one level, the song can be taken as a straightforward celebration of rock’s live-fast, love-hard, die-young syndrome. The scene is a hard-rock/metal concert at Anaheim Stadium. Sample lines:

‘We’re going to drink some beer We’re going to smoke some pot We’re going to snort some coke And drive, drive over 55”

Yet there is a slightly sad—or weary—tone in Forrest’s voice and arrangement that, when coupled with the irresponsibility of the behavior depicted, gives the song different coloring.

“I lived that song. I went to Anaheim Stadium when I was in high school to see what I thought was a great lineup: Hagar, Van Halen, Black Sabbath and Boston. The show didn’t start until Sunday, but we go there Friday night and waited in the parking lot. It was the first time I ever drank whiskey.

“I’m trying to make fun of what we all thought was cool. It’s also a hope we all grow up and find out how stupid it is to be like that. When I was 16, I thought cruising and boozing was what people did. So what did it get me? Two 502s…One of the themes of the new album is growing up, and that song is part of all that for me.”

Thelonious Monster’s “Next Saturday Afternoon” was one of the neglected rock gems of 1987: a look at post-teen alienation that explored questions of identity and self-worth in tough unflinching ways that recalled the passion and purpose of some of rock’s most biting collections. Think of Neil Young’s “Tonight’s The Night” meets the Replacements’ “Tim”.

The themes came easy to Forrest, a Southern Californian who was adopted by a couple that he later learned were really his grandparents. The woman he thought was his sister had given birth to him when she was 14.

Forrest, 28, says he has never met his real father—a fact that contributes to the poignancy of “My Boy,” a song on the new album. It was written a year ago when Forrest still hadn’t held his year-old song. (Forrest said he and the son’s mother weren’t married and no longer saw each other at the time.)

Far from the sweetness of father-child songs like Dylan’s “Forever Young,” this one speaks of the day when the boy will grow up and resent the absence of the father. It’s a song of pain and, in Forrest’s words, “history repeating itself.”

In the past year, however, Forrest has begun to spend time with the boy and says other aspects of his personal life are more stable.

Rather than repeat the alienation of “Next Saturday Afternoon,” “Stormy Weather” is a step into adulthood—a grappling with relationships and the world outside.

Though still far from the smooth or dance-happy edges preferred by mainstream radio, the album is more accessible than its predecessor. There are some winning melodic touches amid the occasional all-out, slam-bam rock ’n’ roll.

About the changes, Forrest said, “I thought ‘Saturday Afternoon’ was good for what it did, but you can’t keep writing those songs. That album was all about what I did and thought and felt. I remember going up to Mike Martt, our guitar player, on day and told him I had a new tune. He looked at me and said, ‘Oh, who is it about? You…or you?’

One of the first songs he wrote in a “outward” vein was “Lena Horne Still Sings ‘Stormy Weather.’” He had seen a TV profile on the celebrated singer and was impressed by how she had battled against various challenges, especially racism, in the personal and professional life.

“The world needs that attitude, that resiliency,” Forrest said. “Things are in awful shape…More homeless people, more gang violence, less and less people graduating from high school. I love this city, but what’s it all going to come to? Are they going to put up a fence between Crenshaw Boulevard and the Westside?

“The problem is everyone starts feeling helpless. They don’t realize that a lot of other people share the same concerns and that they can do something if they pull together. The song encourages people to think that the problems can be solved. Even after all she’s been through, Lena Horne DOES still sing ‘Stormy Weather.’ “

Forrest needed some resilience himself after “Next Saturday Afternoon” was largely ignored by both radio and the public.

“There was a lot of excitement around town when the record came out and I got into thinking I was going to be this next big deal,” he said. “But we were our own worst enemies on that tour. I’ve said that in the past, but this time was really bad.

“We weren’t just screwing up at some little club around town, where people knew us and thought it was just us partying again. Here people came to see a show and I was drunk most of the time, insulting people—even the people from our own record company. By the end of the tour, I was just like an emotional basket case. Suicidal…weird…I couldn’t figure out what was going on, why we weren’t getting anywhere.”

Dejected, he returned home and thought about the future.

“One day I woke up and realized that most of the problems were because of me. I realized, and the band did too, we almost made it with the last album. We almost got to a point where we can live in houses and have cars.

“That’s all I ever wanted. We don’t want to ruin it. I still have a drinking problem, but I try to control it. I don’t drink anymore on the the day of the show until I get on stage, for instance. I’m proud of the band and I want the music to be the show—not my [behavior].”

Yet the head Monster—who is joined in the band now by guitarists Martt and Tony Malone, drummer Pete Weiss and bassist Rob Graves—may find it hard to keep his behavior from being an issue.

Last weekend at the Green Door in Montclair, Forrest appeared clear-eyed at the star of the set, letting the music speak for itself. Gradually, however, Forrest, himself, became the focus. Taking big swigs of beer, he grumbled between songs about everything from club equipment to the band’s fortunes.

This tension may be an integral part of Forrest’s creative process, but the danger is it will camouflage the excellence of the Monster’s music. There are lots of unruly band in rock, but too few with the ability to make music as enthralling as that found on “Stormy Weather.” The band tries it again Friday at Fender’s in Long Beach and Saturday at the Country Club in Reseda.

“Put it this way,” Forrest said, during the interview at the restaurant, summarizing his frustration good-naturedly. “If Bon Jovi can make $42 million or whatever last year, I thought Bob Forrest ought to be able to make $1,000 a month. That seems fair—and the public would get to hear some better songs.”

[jessicakehoe]

For These Three Canadians, Eyeliner is More Than Just Makeup

Eyeliner is, without a doubt, a runway mainstay for makeup artists each season. Just look to the Spring 2020 shows and you’ll discover a playground of framed rims ranging from the reinvented cat-eyes at Moschino and 3.1 Phillip Lim to the smoky liner looks at Ann Demeulemeester and Celine. But trendsetting beauty aside, for many of us, eyeliner can be a go-to source of identity and self-expression and, sometimes, our strongest weapon. Here, a Canadian YouTube star, a musician and a publicist explain their emotional bond to their signature liner looks.

The Publicist

Photography by Porus Vimadalal. Creative direction by George Antonopoulos. hair and makeup, Anna Nenoiu for p1m.ca/Bareminerals. Top, Thin chain and ring, Macedo’s own; Earrings, $55, KRWNd; Thick Chain, $115, Cuchara.

Being a first-generation Canadian with parents who emigrated from South India, Edmonton-born, Toronto-based Talya Macedo says that her smoky kohl-rimmed eyes are a connection to her family. “My mom wears [kohl], my aunts still wear it and my cousins wear it,” she says. “We’re all split up, and it’s crazy to me that this is a look that binds us.” The trademark gaze is also how she embraces her heritage. “I do feel that adornment and beauty are really great ties to my culture,” explains the 34-year-old brand and image strategist. “I feel like I look like my mom, or my aunts and cousins in India, when I wear a lot of gold, have my hair parted down the middle and wear a red lip and tons of eye kohl.” Macedo had her first experience with makeup at age 10, when she would perform Bharatanatyam, a popular form of Indian classical dance. She wasn’t fond of the full face of makeup she had to wear, but when it came to her inked waterline, she was instantly hooked. “I remember looking in the mirror and being like, ‘Whoa, I always want my eyes [to look] just like this!’” By the time she was 16, traditional black kohl liner had become an integral part of her everyday look, even if that meant challenging Western beauty ideals. “I remember reading [in a magazine]: ‘Never line your waterline. It instantly makes your eyes look smaller.’ I was so confused by that because I lined mine every day, and it made my eyes look beautiful and big and made me look like myself,” says Macedo. “That was the first piece of Western beauty advice that I learned to ignore.” And whether she’s zeroing in on her waterline or going for a more dramatic, smudged-out look, Macedo’s longtime kohl signature is all about confidence. “It’s equal parts power and sensuality, and I don’t apologize for sensuality in my day to day,” she says. “I make a point to be sex-positive in the greatest way possible.” 

1/2

Talya’s Hero Formulas

Caviar Stick Eye Colour in “Khaki”

($38, Laura Mercier)

“If I want a little something more, I’ll put this on top and underneath the rim and smudge it all over.”

Buy Now

2/2

Talya’s Hero Formulas

Eyeconic Kajal in “Deep Black”

($17, Lakmé)

“Whenever my aunts come from India [to visit] and they’re like, ‘What do you want me to bring?’ that’s the only thing I ask for. It’s actually produced there.”

Buy Now

  The Front Man

Photography by Porus Vimadalal. Creative direction by George Antonopoulos. Hair and makeup, Anna nenoiu for p1m.ca/Bareminerals. Top, Ramsay’s own.

For Marianas Trench lead singer Josh Ramsay, makeup knows no gender. “I think it’s a stupid gender stereotype if people think that only girls can wear it,” says the 34-year-old Vancouver-based rocker. In showbiz, men slapping on makeup is nothing new. “Literally everyone you see on camera—male, female, whatever—is in makeup. I just choose to be noticeably in makeup versus a nude look.” Ramsay happened upon his signature liner back in 2006, when a makeup artist made him up for his band’s first photo shoot. After working with the artist repeatedly, Ramsay couldn’t get enough of the look and eventually asked the pro to show him the ropes. “I didn’t grow up playing with makeup or anything,” he shares. “I needed someone to show me how to do it.” So how does he define his trademark? “First of all, I never want to look like Captain Jack Sparrow!” he jokes. “I usually apply it on the waterline and then go smoky and rubbed out on the top eyelid.” It’s an inky look that rotates colours, and that’s crucial to Ramsay’s onstage persona, he says. “I think of other male artists who have been makeup-forward, like Bowie, and it really is a transformation into somebody else when you’re onstage. It helps me be larger than life when I’m up there.” Society may still adhere to exaggerated macho concepts about masculinity, but Ramsay unapologet­ically blurs the lines by never veering from his true self. “I’m straight, but I am very androgynous and always have been. It’s not a decision; it’s just how I’ve always been.” 

1/2

Josh’s Hero Formulas

Jumbo Eye Pencil in “Slate”

($6, NYX)

“I prefer a crayon-style liner for my top lid because it’s easier to smudge.”

Buy Now

2/2

Josh’s Hero Formulas

Kohl Power Eye Pencil in “Feline”

($23, M.A.C)

“For my waterline, I definitely use a pencil.”

Buy Now

The Youtuber

Photography by Porus Vimadalal. Creative direction by George Antonopoulos. Hair and makeup, Anna Nenoiu for p1m.ca/Bareminerals. Necklace, $180, Vitaly; styled by Anand Gopaul.

Stef Sanjati is the definition of an open book. For over a decade, the 24-year-old Toronto-based YouTube star, transgender activist and Rimmel brand ambassador has been vlogging about her most intimate experiences. Her channel, which has amassed hundreds of thousands of subscribers, started with simple makeup tutorials but morphed into raw, unfiltered videos chronicling everything from the procedures of her feminization surgery back in 2016 to her inherited genetic trait, Waardenburg syndrome—a condition that causes her to have wider-set facial features, hearing loss and pigmentation loss in her hair, skin and eyes. For this candid social media buff, her first dabble in makeup was a vivid one. When Sanjati was 13 and identifying as a young gay man, her mother took her to buy her first makeup kit, which consisted of black and gold eyeshadow and liquid liner. Little did Sanjati realize at the time that “that was an extension of [her] experimenting with gender,” she says. Her initial looks of “wild, graphic, painterly” makeup were purely for fun—until she watched one game-changing tutorial on how liner could create the illusion of closer-set eyes. Sanjati began creating a double-wing look by drawing an extended solid line down the inner corners of her eyes to match the outer wing. It was a bold, graphic look rooted in self-doubt. “I was very insecure about the space between my eyes,” she recalls. “I couldn’t leave the house without [eyeliner].” And growing up in a small town in southern Ontario, Sanjati felt anything but ordinary. “There was one kind of person, and that was all you were allowed to be,” she says. “It’s extremely alienating not being able to see yourself or anybody else who is different from the majority.” After her medical transition and facial-feminization surgery, Sanjati’s approach to makeup shifted. “Earlier in my transition, before any surgery, before my hormones were really kicking into high gear, I still used makeup to create a different face,” she says. Today, it’s all about enhancement through a “softer and more romantic” smudged-liner look. But she keeps her exaggerated cat-eye in her back pocket for nights out. “I’ve entered a time in life where I’m more content and more confident with who I am at my core without any makeup on,” she says. “I don’t use it in the same transformative way. My approach to eyeliner is no longer about hiding my eye shape; it’s now about how cool that shape is.”

1/2

Stef’s Hero Formulas

Wonder Ink Eyeliner in “Black”

($11, Rimmel)

“This is the liner I’ll use if I want to create a more dramatic double-wing look. I like it because it’s got that pen shape and it’s easy for me.”

Buy Now

2/2

Stef’s Hero Formulas

Exaggerate Waterproof Eye Definer in “Rich Brown”

($8, Rimmel)

“I use this for my daily look,” says Sanjati. “I tightline my eye with it and apply a thin layer on my lid with a small wing. Then I smudge it out to create that soft look.”

Buy Now

The post For These Three Canadians, Eyeliner is More Than Just Makeup appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

For These Three Canadians, Eyeliner is More Than Just Makeup published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[theblog888]

Passion and profit are at odds with each other.

At least this is how I see it in my own life, and I feel absolutely justified in maintaining this stance. This isn't necessarily the case for everybody, but I am all too familiar with my own tendencies to dawdle and procrastinate while I figure out how to work through technical details and business skills required for making a profit off of my creative expressions. This hampers creativity and initiative, because I feel I would be concerning myself more with wanting to make money and keep up an image than to be passionately writing, singing, vlogging or whatever else. Also taking into account that I myself am a freeloader, I never disable adblock unless forced to, I never buy things from or give donations to content creators, and begging or soliciting donations in general is not something I would want to do.

If I don't concern myself with monetizing or marketing my creations at all, then I can focus solely on the works themselves. I do believe I am exceptionally talented in many ways, and many which are not even yet known to me, but feel as if there is no clear cut path to both actualize and capitalize on any of my talents- unless I happen to meet the right people, but that is super unlikely as an avoidant, emotionally inverted NEET INTP. I have read about actors and musicians who are extremely talented, yet they need other people to help them with anything technical, anything outside purely being the artist. This is exactly how I see my own potential.

In my jobs as a grocery clerk, it was all simple and straightforward: basically put products on the shelf, move oldest to the front and remove expired product, clean up after yourself, store excess product in the backstock area, show people where things are, take special requests and call other stores whenever asked. It seems I lack the specific type of intelligence and/or concentration ability to succeed at anything more technically advanced than that.

Everything is all so complicated, layers upon layers of complexity beyond simply performing a service and receiving commensurate compensation. I simply cannot navigate this confusing system, this present day economy, unless everything is spelled out for me in clear step by step processes that can be acted upon instantly, or all that stuff is just taken care of for me. Certainly I will acknowledge the possibility that I can be able to learn any such skills, but my reluctance and resistance to is well founded, since all the hours I would have to spend of researching and applying everything I need to business savvy and technically skilled would change my brain in ways that would negatively impact the very passions I want to tap into.

And it is a moot point anyway, since I am sure I lack the attention span, types of intelligence and other personality traits to actually learn such skills, and it is doubtful any of my creative projects would be profitable at all. Not to mention that some ideas which seem so brilliant at one time may seem trivial or even ridiculous a month later.  A good example of this was my "comfort products" review channel idea, where I would begin by reviewing things I already have like my bed, mattress topper, pillow, body pillow, blanket, chair and computer keyboard. I don't reasonably expect to make much money off of running YouTube ads (which most people including myself block anyway) and posting affiliate links with my videos when available. It seemed like such a grand idea and a true passion project less than a month ago, but now it just seems like it would just be "talking for the sake of talking" rather than giving people useful information, reviews would be redundant, mostly just stating the obvious, and I also would quickly run out of things to review.

Labeling such sentiments as a "limiting beliefs" won't change a thing. Accusing others of holding a limiting belief is what new age yuppie types born into material privilege, or those who just got lucky, tend to do instead of admitting that life is not fair, that other people have internal and external limitations that cannot be overcome by thinking your way around them. I am a master of subjective framing, but that only works to control how your perceive yourself and the world around, It does not change the material world. My own mechanisms of molding reality to my will are passive and effortless, they are all about being, not doing.

When it comes down to it though, I must admit that I really don't want to concern myself with things like making websites, fine-tuning audio/video content, marketing myself, and running a business. I just want to live passionately, and having to master those types of skills is antithetical to my resolve to just be present and live passionately. This was always the case, and I don't think it could ever change. The most clear example is school, where I would often enjoy learning things from the teacher/professor, presentations in class, and the reading material, but having to wake up to an alarm to sit in a classroom much of the day 5 days a week, leaving school only to have complete assignments many be miserable, dispassionate, drained, apathetic, jaded, depressed. This really feels like the embodiment of my "lazy but talented" syndrome. I can only be my best self, and create my best art, give my best performance, when I am free to go to sleep and wake up whenever my body (and the sleeping environment) will let me, and I work on my own schedule, free to take it super slow with frequent breaks, or stay up all night passionately creating things because I am so engrossed in the activity I don't want to go to bed.

These are all just reflective self-analyses I reached without any emotional value attached, I am only looking at what is. I often suspect that when neurotypicals read my writing, which is devoid of emotional meaning unless specified, they misunderstand my objective, matter-of-fact analytical style as being depressed, self-deprecating, neurotic or  whatever else they imagine. It is one of those things that I might want to put as a disclaimer with everything I ever write, just in case someone misinterprets it form a frame of reacting emotionally rather than thinking critically. With this case-in-point, I also must accept that I may not be as talented at a thing, or anything at all, as I might imagine. I wouldn't really be surprised if that was the case, since I have never really found anything outside myself that I've felt passionate about, or derived meaning or purpose from. In this perspective it makes sense how other people would get little to no value from my writing, since it is writing my myself for myself, as a useful tool of pondering, reflecting and exploring the internal world, and external world through my own filters.  Likewise, I often wonder if when I talk to other people, even those I'd consider close friends, I'm merely using them as a sounding board for my own ideas about things, not providing any direct value to them. Then again, I should not assume that other look at relationships as transactional, and they actually enjoy my interactions and companionship even if my being self-absorbed is readily apparent.

Perhaps no one will ever read this blog except me, and it will be just my own personal journal. Which is perfectly fine, and the main reason I began writing here. I have no fantasies, illusions or delusions that I can expect to ever make money as a writer. Or singer, or actor, or voice artist, or ergonomist, philosopher.

The silver lining Is that keeping up with the writing is helping me grow by leaps and bunds, both because it helps me clear out things that have been accumulating in my mind for a long time, sometimes over a decade, so that space is freed up for new developments in my mental studio, and that writing things out as opposed to just thinking about them in my head lays it all out in front of me, so it is much easier to explore things further, and maybe actually reach conclusions and solve problems during the writing process.

And I do imagine that there are many unexpected ways in which following my passions and creating what I envision will lead to many unforeseen opportunities for improving my life on a material/financial level as well. The most obvious being that I am making things I can showcase, and if the right people encounter them, perhaps some will recognize my talent, even feel deeply touched by my very essence, they could lead me to opportunities to actualize what I envision- given free reign to live passionately and create my heart's desires, while also making money, while all the technical and business details are taken care of for me. But this is not something I will even consider, for now it is just a fantasy, perhaps one I will look back upon as being as delusional as going back in time or starting my own country. Meanwhile, I intend to just focus on being my best self, living passionately, self-actualizing, understanding the world within and the nature of humanity even more. I will not worry, things will be all right, it will all work out. This is my reality, this is what I am attracting and embodying. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Generally the worst that can happen is death, and so no matter what, my experience will always be that of living the life I want, because I believe that I already am.

[ber39james]

7 Quotes on Imposter Syndrome That Will Help You Gain Confidence

“They all know. It’s only a matter of time until I’m called out. I’m a fraud.”

How many times has a similar line of thought traipsed seductively through your consciousness? An estimated 70 percent of us will likely experience at some point the feelings of inadequacy and “fakeness” that accompany imposter syndrome.

While people who experience imposter syndrome—feelings of failure and “pretending”—often experience higher rates of burnout, job dissatisfaction, and stagnancy, they also tend to be successful, as researcher Valerie Young shows. This is likely because many sufferers are perfectionists and over-achievers who are more likely to put in extra time and effort to counteract any perceived justification for their anxieties.

In fact, many of the most successful people in the world have struggled with imposter syndrome. Though it is critical to understand that feeling like a fraud is not a requisite for success, many accomplished people struggle with it from time to time and achieve amazing things in spite of it. There is hope that you can overcome imposter syndrome.

The Poet

I have written 11 books but each time I think ‘Uh-oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’

—Maya Angelou

Despite her own self-doubt, Angelou was a fiercely accomplished person. She was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize and a Tony award, won five Grammys for her spoken recordings, and served on two presidential committees. All this while also charming readers with her honesty, vulnerability, and personal fortitude.

The Executive

Every time I was called on in class, I was sure that I was about to embarrass myself. Every time I took a test, I was sure that it had gone badly. And every time I didn’t embarrass myself — or even excelled — I believed that I had fooled everyone yet again. One day soon, the jig would be up … This phenomenon of capable people being plagued by self-doubt has a name — the impostor syndrome. Both men and women are susceptible to the impostor syndrome, but women tend to experience it more intensely and be more limited by it.

—Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In

Sheryl Sandberg is the Chief Operating Officer at Facebook. In addition to being an accomplished tech executive, in her book Lean In she explores the ways women (and men) can make a welcoming and diverse working environment that encourages women to pursue leadership. She has inspired millions of women to advocate for themselves professionally and push through feelings of inadequacy.

The Comedian

The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!’ . . . just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud.

—Tina Fey

Tina Fey has a host of successful comic ventures to her credit, including the television series 30 Rock and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, the fan-favorite film and endlessly quotable Mean Girls, and the hilarious and well-received book Bossypants, among much else. For her, beating imposter syndrome to continued achievement means riding the waves of validation when they come and recognizing that the phases of self-doubt are impermanent.

The Athlete

Every time I go to a game I always have that fear of losing or a sense of failure. You always have that fear of losing but you always have that confidence of winning. You never want to come off the field thinking you could have done more or given more.

—Darren Lockyer

This accomplished sport commentator and a former Australian rugby player, Darren Lockyer, is considered by many to be the best rugby player of all time, with numerous medals and awards, as well as a record winning streak in his pocket. Part of his success was derived from learning to tap into the fear of not doing enough to push him to his limits so he could leave the field with pride.

The Student

So I have to admit that today, even 12 years after graduation [from Harvard], I’m still insecure about my own worthiness. I have to remind myself today, You are here for a reason. Today, I feel much like I did when I came to Harvard Yard as a freshman in 1999 … I felt like there had been some mistake — that I wasn’t smart enough to be in this company and that every time I opened my mouth I would have to prove I wasn’t just a dumb actress. … Sometimes your insecurities and your inexperience may lead you to embrace other people’s expectations, standards, or values, but you can harness that inexperience to carve out your own path — one that is free of the burden of knowing how things are supposed to be, a path that is defined by its own particular set of reasons.

—Natalie Portman, Harvard Commencement 2015

It seems that Natalie Portman, a multiple Golden Globe winner, Academy Award winner, and Harvard graduate, should have little reason to doubt herself. However, she has spoken openly about her fight against imposter syndrome and how she negotiated the feelings of fraud—accepting that she is striking her own path and doesn’t need to carry the “burden of how things are supposed to be.”

The Novelist

I am not a writer. I’ve been fooling myself and other people.

—John Steinbeck

John Steinbeck was a prolific American author who wrote the Pulitzer Prize–winning Grapes of Wrath—a classic in the American literary canon. Despite his success with Grapes of Wrath, he fought feelings of inadequacy. His work, in spite of his doubt, serves as a lesson for why you should “fake it until you make it.”

The Musician

It’s helpful to have some arrogance with paranoia . . . If we were all paranoia, we’d never leave the house. If we were all arrogance, no one would want us to leave the house.

—Chris Martin

Chris Martin is the Grammy-winning lead singer of the internationally acclaimed band Coldplay. He has served as frontman throughout the band’s twenty-year career while also being quite outspoken about his self-doubt. Finding balance between his arrogance and his paranoia, or at least appreciating both, allows him to harness the benefits of each when they arise.

//cdn.playbuzz.com/widget/feed.js

The post 7 Quotes on Imposter Syndrome That Will Help You Gain Confidence appeared first on Grammarly Blog.

from Grammarly Blog https://www.grammarly.com/blog/imposter-syndrome-quotes/

[ricardosousalemos]

Fugazi: In on the Kill Taker

If 1991 was The Year Punk Broke, and 1993 was when the underground had fully bubbled to the surface, between that, the world got Cliff Poncier, the singer of the band Citizen Dick in Cameron Crowe's 1992 movie Singles. Cliff (played by Matt Dillon) is a musician in a band with Eddie Vedder, Stone Gossard, and Jeff Ament of Pearl Jam, and has an album out on an independent label. To a large swath of America that was still getting used to Kurt Cobain’s face and R.E.M. winning Grammys, Cliff was the fictional bridge into the world of indie artists. He’s “like a renaissance man” we’re told, but it’s obvious he wants to make it big. Everybody wanted that, right?

Alt was the new normal. Things had gone from “Our band could be your life” to stadium concerts opening up for rock legends and poisonous major label contracts. Nirvana followed up Nevermind with the Steve Albini-produced In Utero, former SST bands Dinosaur Jr., Sonic Youth, and the Meat Puppets enjoyed radio and MTV airtime, countless kids got copies of the No Alternative compilation, and grunge was officially a runway style thanks to Marc Jacobs. Fugazi’s independent scene had become a global phenomenon, funded, largely, by corporate money.

Fugazi—reluctantly—turned into one of the last bands standing from the old guard of American punks. They became a band that mainstream kids and college radio stations wanted to check out at the perfect time in their career. Fugazi’s nonstop touring made their music more accessible to a wider audience than ever before. They had an organic buzz that led to better distribution deals, which allowed them to remain fiercely independent. To kids straddling the Generation X and Millennial borders, Fugazi were a touchstone, an introduction into the DIY mindset. Their ability to get people excited without a team of advertisers, big hit song, or anything besides word of mouth is, at this point, the stuff of legend.

And while their hardcore contemporaries were chasing big contracts and slots on the Lollapalooza tour, Fugazi teamed with groups like Positive Force—a Washington D.C. youth activist collective that took on poverty and George H.W. Bush’s war in the Middle East—to the band’s decision to only play all-ages shows with a low door price, Fugazi wanted to let you know they stood for things, and that maybe you should, too. Punk was more than just not knowing how to play an instrument but having something to say, it was about starting a zine, doing distribution, or going to a protest to fight inequality in all its forms. They were champions of the utopian freedom of the 1960’s filtered through the busted amps of punk. If there was any environment for Fugazi to put out the biggest record of their career, this was it.

Since the band considered live shows to be their most natural setting, Fugazi toured relentlessly between albums. One look at the band’s show archives finds them playing the Palladium in New York City to 3,000 people on a spring night in 1992, Father Hayes Gym Bar in Portland, ME to 750 people a few nights later, then wrapping up an East Coast tour at City Gardens in New Jersey to a hair under 1,000 before embarking on a tour of Europe two weeks later. At some point during 1992, even though none of the band’s 73 shows were played anywhere near the Midwest, they found time to go to Chicago to record with Steve Albini. Self-producing their second LP Steady Diet of Nothing left the band “pretty disappointed at the end of the day with that record,” as Ian MacKaye would later say. Bassist Joe Lally found the experience “weird,” and that going to Chicago to record new songs was less about getting a new album out of the sessions, “it was more about working with Steve.”

The resulting demos were not what the band or producer wanted. The song “Public Witness Program,” had the same buzzsaw guitar and sped-up tempo of what you’d expect from one of Albini’s own Shellac songs. “Great Cop,” sounded much more like a raging hardcore song than the band may have wanted. The sessions, which float around file sharing sites and YouTube, would end up being simply a footnote in American indie history; titans from the 1980s underground getting together to mess around. In the end, after they made it back home to D.C., the band received a fax from Albini saying, “I think we dropped the ball.”

The band just couldn’t beat the sound they created in their hometown, so they entered Inner Ear Studios with Don Zientara and Ted Niceley in the autumn of 1992. When they finally emerged playing their first show on February 4th, 1993, at the Peppermint Beach Club in Virginia Beach, the 1,200-person crowd got a set filled with almost all new material, peppered with older songs like “Suggestion” and “Repeater.” The band went on an American tour that stretched over 60 shows. In on the Kill Taker was released on June 30th, sold around 200,000 copies in its first week alone, and Fugazi cracked the Billboard Top 200. Later in August, they played a show in front of the Washington Monument to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s march on Washington. Five-thousand people crowded the outdoor Sylvan Theater and this time, when they played their new songs, the crowd knew every word.

Like the albums that came before it, In on the Kill Taker begins small and grows into something larger. Maybe it’s a metaphor for how Fugazi sees the world, or at least the one they helped to build: “Facet Squared” opens with a few seconds of near-silence that builds into feedback, then some guitar mimicking a heartbeat checks in at the 15-second mark, joined in by the rest of the band who work together building up what sounds like it will be a slow jam with no real leader. The guitars, along with Joe Lally’s bass and Brendan Canty’s drums, all work together like a machine. MacKaye’s guitar takes over for a few seconds, signaling the next level the song is about to take. That buildup leads to one of MacKaye’s most furious deliveries as a singer, opening by claiming, “Pride no longer has definition,” with the kind of energy and anger he channeled in his younger days with Minor Threat. The song ends and cuts right into Canty pounding away to start the Guy Picciotto-fronted “Public Witness Program.” Complete with handclaps, a ringing chorus, and Picciotto yelling, “Can I get a witness” like a punk preacher; it showcases the band at their most driving. This is the closest you get to a polished Fugazi record, but by no means is it slick.

MacKaye, in an interview for Brandon Gentry’s book Capitol Contingency: Post-Punk, Indie Rock, and Noise Pop in Washington, D.C., 1991-1999, believed that little bit of shine was intentional, the result of producer Ted Niceley reacting to what he heard from the popular bands with the same DNA as Fugazi that were getting heavy airplay. “It’s that consciousness of radio,” MacKaye said, “that puts me off a little bit,” while also railing against the producer’s “total fixation on detail.” Yet it’s exactly that consciousness of radio and fixation to details that gives In on the Kill Taker its real edge. It’s hard to imagine a song like “Cassavetes,” with Picciotto conjuring up the ghost of the dead director, screaming, “Shut up! This is my last picture,” being sandwiched between the Smashing Pumpkins and Candlebox on a radio station’s playlist. The extra lacquer on top only makes it more scathing and visceral.

There’s no single on In on the Kill Taker. Besides “Waiting Room” somehow becoming one of the defining Gen. X anthems, Fugazi never set out to make any one song hold any more importance over the others to try and get radio program directors to pay attention. In fact, on their third album, they threw all curve balls, going from fast and hard to slow to mathy and instrumental. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Picciotto and MacKaye had helped lay the foundation for the hardcore and emo scenes in the ’80s with Rites of Spring and Minor Threat respectively. The roots of Fugazi were blooming out into hundreds of sub-genres and taking hold in regional scenes across the country. Fugazi appealed to such a vast swath of people, something a lot of punk, hardcore or indie bands couldn’t claim in 1993, and In on the Kill Taker had something for everyone.

Songs like “Smallpox Champion,” again with that slow start that builds, then blows up into Picciotto delivering a sermon, railing against America being a country founded on genocide, “The end of the future and all that you own.” While “23 Beats Off” sounds like a song from Wire’s early years literally stretched and pulled out to nearly seven minutes, MacKaye going from singing (as best he can) to screaming about a man who was once “at the center of some ticker tape parade,” who turns into “a household name with HIV.” You get a dose of the past, present, and future listening to these twelve tracks.

Lyrically, it’s also one of the more ambitious albums from the era. While burying any meaning beneath a pile of words like Cobain or bands like Pavement were so fond of doing was certainly du jour, Fugazi liked to mix things up. Picciotto flexed that English degree he got from Georgetown, while MacKaye’s muses were Marx and issues of The Nation. The band blends political with poetic, while sometimes erring on the side of the latter. If there’s any deeper meaning behind “Walken’s Syndrome,” besides being an ode to Christopher Walken’s character in Annie Hall, it’s difficult to tell what that is. “Facet Squared,” with MacKaye singing about how “flags are such ugly things,” could either be about nationalism or the facades people wear when they go out in public, you pick. Maybe that’s what they wanted the listener to do.

Fugazi were so unbelievably popular that it was more so the idea of Fugazi had caught on like it was just another adjective like goth or grunge. Even with their famous anti-merchandise stance, an entire small economy of bootleg shirts popped up, including the infamous “This Is Not A Fugazi T-Shirt” t-shirt. The press also took even more notice. Rolling Stone, in a positive review, said Fugazi had inherited the title of “The only band that matters” from the Clash, while Spin wasn’t so hot on it, calling the members “radical middle-class white boys” and the album “rigid, predictable.” The food critic Jonathan Gold, whose music writing tends to be overlooked when discussing his oeuvre, gave it three out of four stars in his LA Times review. In on the Kill Taker wasn’t hailed as a masterpiece or an album that was changing the game, but everybody needed to weigh in on Fugazi.

And as a profile that came out in the Washington Post a month after the album’s release showed, everybody wanted to be associated with them. The article mentions fans like Eddie Vedder, “rock’s couple of the moment,” Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love, and Michael Stipe, who shows up to one of the band’s shows in Los Angeles: “He dances the hokey-pokey in the street in front of the Capitol Theatre with Fugazi drummer Brendan Canty,” in a very 1990s moment. In on the Kill Taker isn’t brought up until somewhere near the bottom of the piece. It was almost like saying that you liked or knew them was like a badge of honor, it absolved you of your own sins. The music was eclipsed by the message.

Mainstream interest in Fugazi was never as strong as it was during the period surrounding their third album. Two years later, when they released Red Medicine, the spotlight had shifted to pop-punk bands like Green Day and the Offspring. Fugazi continued to put out albums and pack shows that usually cost around five dollars, but the press was less interested in figuring out this crazy band with their wild set of ideals.

Many of the people who did pay attention to Fugazi, however, reacted. Like Brian Eno said of the initial 10,000 or so people who heard the Velvet Underground when their first album came out, the hundreds of thousands of people who bought In on the Kill Taker or saw the band as they trekked across America, Canada, Japan, Australia and New Zealand, that year and beyond, were impacted in some way. Maybe it was one kid out of 1,200 in attendance on September 27th, 1993 who saw them in Philly with the Spinanes and Rancid, or another of the 100 who saw them in Kyoto, Japan. Maybe a 15-year-old girl read about them in a magazine, this band that everybody was talking about, and decided to start her own band. Maybe it was a kid in El Paso, or a kid in Iowa City, or Greensboro. Maybe they inspired another kid to start a zine, which led them to realize they wanted to be a writer. Maybe 10,000 teens were so moved by Fugazi in 1993 that the ideas the band lived and worked by were ingrained into how those people have tried to go out and face the world.