#I didn’t mention faith progress stuff because I don’t think I talked a lot about that before :0

[vio1315]

Oh right 

I keep meaning to do a life update

Because long time followers remember when I posted a lot of personal struggles on here and I like never follow up on that stuff

And have since stopped posting personal stories as often whoops

Honestly I don’t remember everything I left as a loose thread that could be ‘is she okay’ so basically:

>Yes I am okay

>Most the stuff I was having trouble with happened like 5+ years ago now

>I am still pretty shut in, but I have a good job and I do go out once a week technically

>Much more mentally stable, I don’t really get the sort of empty feelings I used to anymore

>Every day I am unsure if I am like 🤖 to other people, or if I live normally. But I have unworked a lot of the emotional repression stuff I was doing subconsciously, and have gained a capacity for the ‘feeling of love’ (since love isn’t really a feeling, but you know the feeling I mean). Idk if I never experienced it before, but if I did it was Extremely rare compared to now. I certainly had devotion, but idk

It’s like ‘oh my prayers were answered on this topic again :0 ‘

I think I am pretty content generally, but I still don’t have happy feelings or fun feelings that often on my own, but this is super normal for me and doesn’t bother me the way the ‘void feelings’ did. It just vibing

>I did get a few extra sensory issues, probably from being shut in, but nothing that makes it any harder to go out. I should go out more still, but not many ideas of where to go for now

>I lost touch with the rest of my rl friends more or less (ﾟ⊿ﾟ) I went through a big thing of making myself not burn bridges and then like 4 months later they stopped contacting me anyways. I haven’t really felt any issue about it so have been leaving it be, but I guess I’ll crack that case back open if it ever starts to feel like a big thing that needs to be done

>My family is doing pretty well : ) 

>Story stuuffffff. I went through about a year of work to make my to do list better, so now I can focus on writing, sort of. And hopefully I can finish my script for TTF in good time now after the Big Delay of relaying the foundation and needing to get life in order. It will take a Long time because I insist on doing all 10 arcs before starting to draw it, so like... I still am mostly gonna be quiet on the topic for awhile

>Life plans? Nope, never. I still live very in the present, so I will just continue my job till I get fired probably and try my best to keep using my free time well. Or start

>Nobody wonders about this but I swear to you, vitamins/supplements make me sick every time I take them. Like literally sick. Like with germs and things. How????? How???? They had nothing in common between the three diff supplements, but each time I started I would get sick for like 2 weeks or a month ??? But I will keep trying to see if this is actually happening because ??? How ????

>Oh yeah, I am trying to get my health better and actually gained much weight 🥳 maybe someday exercise too, but I wanna tighten daily schedule first

>I am looking at some other mental disorders where I think ‘do I have that???’ But just for the sake of communication. I still don’t really need medication to manage the strange stuff. Coping mechanisms generally work pretty good for me, and learning to weed out bad ones and so on. I haven’t felt ANXIOUS in a bit now, and idk maybe not as often. I know I was like a year or two ago, but it goes down every year overall.

Lots of things that used to make me anxious just don’t so much anymore

That’s everything I can really think of right now

Life is basically good overall for me. 

Health is good for me, though I still need to work on actually doing things to be good to my body.

Socializing is pretty good in the forms I do it, but I still need to go out more to prevent my brain from getting weird about ‘sounds and feelings I can’t control’ and all

Fam : ) 

Everything is chill actually. I basically vent here less now just because I have more opportunity to vent directly to people when there’s a need to wjdnejd but I don’t think anything major comes up that often

But also my emotional memory is really low hwjdnwjd like I know for a fact a year or two ago there was a month where I was super unwell and stressed, but legit idk what that felt like, I just know it happened

So maybe the frequency Could be similar, but I wouldn’t know it 🤔 but certainly less major events happen, and that’s good with me

Just an update cuz I realize it’s easy to vent and all, but when things resolve, it’s less interesting to talk about, so you leave people hanging unintentionally, since posting directly on here barely feels like talking to anyone anyways, super easy to let that go

I am not a private person honestly, so hope this doesn’t seem weird to anyone widjsjdn

[joyfulapostate]

hi!!

for context, i was raised baptist, im queer, my mother converted in her late 20s i believe? and my father was raised strictly baptist as well. my mom has been listening to sermons on youtube obsessively, and my father will lose his mind if you (collective) say ANYTHING that has even the slightest chance of questioning the bible in any way. i’m closer with my mom than my dad, we both have adhd and im autistic, my dad is emotionally and verbally abusive.

i started questioning pretty much everything since mid 2020 ish??, and i just started accepting the idea that my parents would probably disown me, or at the very least ground me until they’re dead, if they knew anything about me that’s not an ✨image i’ve made specifically for them✨. (my main spotify acc has seen so many mental breakdowns it’s not even funny at this point😐)

anyways i just was wondering if there’s a Specific Reason i’ve been really really drawn to catholicism, catholic guilt, and really anything regarding that? it’s just been like A Thing for me especially really recently and i’m just always sitting there like “why tf do i feel like i have catholic guilt i’ve only stepped foot in a catholic church one single time and it was for a craft show????”

if there’s no specific answer that’s totally cool i just thought i’d try to ask someone who seems to know what they’re talking about bc ive been thinking about it a LOT recently

(i also feel like im letting down my grandma, she was the sweetest lady and she absolutely made my childhood so much better and im so grateful for her. she was pretty much the backbone of her church, she died seven years ago and i just feel like if she saw me now she wouldn’t recognize me even if she had every form of proof in the world it was me. i don’t know if she would even accept i was her grandkid at this point.)

It’s so great that you are giving yourself room to become more than what others expect you to be. We all deserve that. And it takes courage to create space for yourself, especially in a worldview that tends to reduce our self image.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with an abusive situation. Your safety is important and you deserve to have a healthy support system.

I think that the idea of “Catholic guilt” is a more popular trope than guilt from Protestant traditions. I see it mentioned more in personal conversations and in books, TV, and movies. It absolutely makes sense that this idea would resonate with you.

It can be helpful to study other traditions to give you context for your own experience, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to claim something from another religious tradition as your own. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re doing, I just try to be careful about stuff like that.

I was also raised in a Protestant faith, but I had Catholic friends and attended Mass at several points in my life. When I was still a believer, it seemed like there was a great chasm between these belief systems. But now that I have some distance from my former faith, I see that they have more similarities than differences. Shame and guilt run through them both. There’s guilt about familial obligations, Jesus’ death, and “sinful” actions. (I personally think that sin is just one god’s opinion and it matters more that we try to treat each other well than follow a non-negotiable rulebook.)

It may not be possible to be totally open now now, but I believe it will be in the future. I didn’t share my doubts when I was still dependent on my parents and it felt awful at the time to keep anything private. Because it felt like privacy implied guilt. But now I am grateful to my past self for waiting until I felt secure enough to share my doubts. I found people who felt safe and confided in them. I built relationships based on mutual respect and informed choices, which hadn't felt possible before.

I still have distance with some of my religious family members. But some of my more progressive family members and I have made a lot of progress in understanding each other. Love can overcome doctrine in many relationships, but not others. It’s a difficult reality to face, especially when you don’t have the opportunity to communicate with them. I know that I had to grieve the people I’d lost and the idea that I would see them in heaven. But there are people in this world who will understand you, support you, and hope for you to have a wonderful and fulfilling life that allows you to grow beyond their expectations. And it sounds like you already are that kind of person for yourself, and that is an impressive accomplishment in its own right.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

TWD 11x22: First Thoughts

How did everyone like ep 22? I liked it a lot. I won’t say there was tons and tons of TD symbolism. Some things to talk about for sure, but it was more of an action filled episode, which always means slightly less symbolism. But that’s okay with me. They’re barreling toward the end of this arc with the CW and toward the end of the flagship series, and obviously they’re trying to squeeze a lot in.

***As always, spoilers abound below for the episode. Don’t read until you’ve watched!***

Probably the biggest thing I saw here was that Negan and Annie are in a Bethyl template. I’ve mentioned this in previous weeks. The part where Negan is assaulted by the troopers on the train tracks, and then Annie tries to attack them and is dragged away, is a parallel to when Beth was taken from the funeral home. Negan even dropped the map at that part, which lines up with Beth dropping her black bag fully of stuff.

Later, when Negan and Zeke go to talk to Tyler, who at first refuses to help them, Negan is twirling his spoon all around, as if he really wants us to notice it. Spoon parallels, especially to Beth’s spoon at the golf club.

They do meet later when he goes to see her and she’s napping. But the template isn’t complete yet. I’m not sure whether to believe recent spoilers that have surfaced. Taking them with a grain of salt for now. But either way, it will be interesting to see where this goes.

I��m going to do a whole post about the Donnie situation. Probably tomorrow. But for now, let’s just point out that literally NOTHING happened. People were afraid this would be the episode where Donnie would go canon, because of this tunnel scene. People were calling it the “tunnel of love” because of a song that was attached to it by the TWD crew. But guys, literally nothing happened. There was no plot at all in the tunnel. They used it to get inside Alexandria, which was important, but that’s it. While traveling through the tunnel, they said about four sentences to one another. No more. People have got to stop freaking out about Donnie.

I get that the writers are teasing/trolling it pretty hard right now. But we’ve always said Donnie would not be a romantic thing and, yet again, we were right. There are only two episodes left in the flagship show and then Lauren Ridloff has about 5 projects lined up that are NOT TWD. So I’m telling  you, they’re not about to force a relationship in less than 2 episodes, when they have a billion other things to do to tie up the CW arc.

That’s all I’ll say for today. Tomorrow I’ll do a deeper dive into what we’ve seen with these two lately and what it means.

Other things of note in this episode. Luke and Jules resurfaced, which was fun. The thing that stuck out to me is them saying that they were gone when the CW took over, and returned to find their home had been enslaved. Just jumped out at me as similar to the Charleston/Swamp Fox template, which we believe to be a Beth foreshadow. I’ll keep an eye on this as the story line progresses.’

Of course Lydia dropped a knife that was picked up by a smart walker. Not sure where they’re going with that, but kind of freaky, right? Of course Eugene was found guilty and sentenced to death. 

And Mercer finally decided to do the right thing. I thought Maggie’s ‘bring it’ line from last episode was pretty awesome. But Mercer managed to top it here! ;D

The title of the episode is interesting. I had to think long and hard about what it means and why they called the episode this. And of course my fellow theorists helped out a lot, too. They pointed out that we have several martyrs in this episode. Eugene is a martyr, having been unjustly found guilty of something he didn’t truly do. Negan offers himself as a sacrifice to save his wife. Annie is then chosen as an unwilling sacrifice, though she’s completely innocent. (Something we’ve often said about Beth in Coda.) Ezekiel then stands between them, and others join him. So, the episode is full of martyrs who, through a show of faith, do the right thing, and are rewarded in the end. So, it’s kind of a “faith precedes the miracle” sort of theme.

How does this relate to Beth? Well, aside from being a reference to what she believes and some of her direct dialogue in Inmates, I also think it’s more of what we’ve already seen, in that this is a retelling of 4b, but the results are different.

I’ll talk about this in more detail later in the week, but last episode, Carol said to Maggie that they were no longer alone and would figure this out. That’s the opposite of what happened in 4x13, Alone. Beth was taken, alone, to Grady. Daryl was left, alone, without her. While the other characters might not have been completely alone, they were separated into small groups. With Carol saying they aren’t alone anymore, it’s a direct opposite to what happened before.

Similarly, when Beth told Daryl to have faith, he said faith hadn’t done shit for them. So, it was a denial of faith on his part. Here, we’re seeing people practice faith and be rewarded for it. So, retelling of S4, but also kind of the opposite. Things will be better this time around. Now, we’re just waiting for Beth to show up.

Other than that, Maggie finds Hershel, and it’s unclear what they were doing with him in that room, but he doesn’t know where the other kiddos are. They’re still missing, but may be somewhere in Alexandria. I’ll stop there for tonight. But stay tuned. Lots more to discuss from this episode.

[galactic-pirates]

You know when you are trying to be patient because it’s only been a few days and that includes a weekend? Yet have zero faith it will get better?

Yeeeeeah…. I’m talking about WoW Remix. I am so disappointed in it.

Think I might do a proper blog post later to rant :(

But TLDR highlights - what was advertised, was not what went live. They got my attention with “currency for items” and “accelerated levelling”. I watched lots of videos and I hadn’t felt that positive about the game in a long time.

What I was expecting was the first character levelled would be slow/normal speed, but getting slightly faster/more powerful as they levelled up and the cloak got power. Then as the cloak was account-wide, the next character would be even faster/more powerful, and the next one even more than that. Aka the more you played, the faster the levelling and the more OP you got. I was giddy. I had planned my levelling order. I was thinking I would perhaps do 8 to knock out various heritage armor quests.

But the cloak is not account wide anymore (it was on the PTR and why would they program something so complex only to hardcode what people got instead???). Now once one character gets the top “infinite power” (ha! what a joke) achievement, any alt will simply start with the same baseline ‘upgraded’ cloak - the same. So the second or the tenth is identical. And this baseline ‘boost’ is no more than what the winds of wisdom is that they give us sometimes yet I had to earn it??

Now with the currency accumulation to buy stuff that was like double bubble. This one is probably on me because with currencies going account wide in the next expansion, I assumed bronze would be - but it’s not. Also it accumulates so slow that someone did the math. You’d have to clear mythic Siege everyday for the full 95 days to stand a chance at getting all the things, and that’s if you don’t need to use the same currency to upgrade your gear to be able to run the raid in the first place.

I just feel super demotivated when I was ready to heap praise on the mode. Because I thought it was set up super well because everything in the mode was a way to get more powerful and make progress. I had been planning on spending most of my free time in Remix. Now with how disappointed I feel I don’t really want to play at all.

Aaaaand that was basically a rant not a TLDR - oops! I didn’t even mention how broken the scaling is. Like want to get weaker and weaker the more time you put in? Yeeeah that’s how it goes. Worse I don’t think they will go “ok our bad” and revert the batshit nerf and make the cloak account wide again, because some people realised the frogs were farmable and have powered their cloak mad high. That was always a way to farm lesser charms back in the day (I did it myself sometimes when I was short) and so it’s not like blizz didn’t know that was a thing. But yeah I foresee this being the excuse now for why cloaks can’t be account wide and have to be capped :(

Their promo is about being “overpowered” so I don’t get it. Well actually I do because the community is toxic. It launched Thursday and already the “if you don’t have X or Y don’t even bother applying to the group” has started. So I sort of get why balance is a concern but at the same time it’s a limited time mode, that has no bearing on the actual live servers as it’s all locked away. Boost everyone up. Although this clearly anathema to them. I’m on a Fury Warrior and my primary stat is in the red because they have thrown a class wide nerf buff thing, that lowers my stats just by logging in. Like why? They said in an interview about powering up enough to solo raids and sure, make that possible without exploiting creative game mechanics (aka frogs). Let everyone have mad fun and not just those who have spent all day everyday racing ahead.

Sorry ranting again. I’m just disappointed. I shouldn’t have got so enthusiastic about this mode. I shouldn’t have believed the PTR or all the videos of players excitedly talking about it. I should have expected it was too good to be true. But I was counting down until launch. I hyped up my guild. I rearranged my regular Thursday night plans as I wanted to experience the chaos of the launch, and jump right in. And now yeah I am just so demotivated :(

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

Oh oh! If you still take requests, could you maybe do something with Reiner first introducing you the The Kiddos? Like, maybe you're still in the early stages of the relationship but both ypu and Reiner know that you're keepers and he wants to introduce you to such important persons in his life 😭

I'd love to do that! My heart melts just imagining Reiner thinking you're the one while looking at you in adoration, and so he decides to introduce you to his cousins whom he'd protect with his life.

Reiner introducing you to his cousins

{ Reiner x reader | tw: none | fluff | modern }

{ "Tea Time" 1905 byMyrtle Jean MacLane 1878-1964 }

It's after Reiner saw how much you've stood beside him and supported him even through his weakest moments when you didn't have to, that he knew you're the one for him.

The one he could see himself with in the future, the one he adores and deeply cares about, the one he wants to protect and cherish.

And love. He wants to love you in every way possible, just like you showed him what being loved feels like.

He knows it will be a slow process to merge your lives together and get used to each other around, so he takes it slow, introducing you to his friends and older cousins.

Zeke and Pieck were the first to meet you. So far they've been nothing but really kind and charming, Pieck making you feel at ease and comfortable around her like you're old friends while Zeke making you laugh and being really respectful of your boundaries.

After that it was Bertlot and Annie, his two closest friends. They were more stiff and less easy to start a conversation with unlike the previous two, but by the end of the day you actually found yourself understanding them better.

It's not that they don't like you, it's just their personality. Annie actually cares and gives you genuine compliments despite coming off as cold in the start, while Bertolt is just not good with meeting people and small conversations which is why he seemed stiff and nervous at first glance.

Reiner tells you that it went really well after they left, he knows them and knows how they act around people they're starting to like.

Lastly you met Porco and Colt, it was a really short meeting because Colt had somewhere to be while Porco just didn't want to be alone with Reiner for long.

You learned about Proco's older brother who's currently working in a different country, Marcel. And about Colt's younger brother Falco.

As an attempt to piss Reiner off, Proco hits on you and tells you to ditch Reiner. When you laugh it off and refuse you notice the smug smile on Reiner's face.

Colt tells you to tell him if you ever need anything, he's usually busy but he knows a lot of people around here and has worked at different jobs to gain a lot of experience, he's also really respectful with you.

After you meet all his friends, he plans on introducing you to his younger cousins. He seems nervous about it

"How bad can it be?" You say, "i can handle kids."

How bad can it really be huh? Well.

Gabi hates you. Straight up she says it to your face. Not dislike, but hate.

Flaco says he's sorry for how she's acting, yet he doesn't really try to stop her.

Udo avoids eye contact with you, he'll literally find the fork in his hand more interesting to look at even when you talk to him

Zofia just stares, coldly, unmoving and uncaring.

Yeah, it's not going well at all.

After some time, it's Falco who starts liking you first. Being your only friend, he attempts to get to know you more and hype you up to the other three.

It's Udo who starts getting curious and starts asking you questions about your life and hobbies, you know how kids basically have no mouth filter and will ask you anything? Yeah that's him.

Actually thanks to that, your answers will get Gabi's attention. If you mention something you're particularly good or talented at, she will want to know more.

Flaco reasons with them that getting to know you will make Reiner happy, and Gabi really cares about Reiner so she tries her hardest.

You're making progress, the three of them are actually talking to you now.

Except...Zofia isn't buying it, while Falco was the easiest to gain his approval, Zofia's the hardest.

It will take a lot of time and effort before she is comfortable around you.

Getting close to Udo is your key to gaining Zofia on your side.

And showing interest in her hobbies and likes. She's really into drama shows, dresses designs and true crime. While simultaneously being kind to Udo, you'll gain her trust slowly.

She observers how you treat her friends and others, how you react when someone makes a mistake and how you talk about people when they're not in the room. Paying close attention to small details and expressions.

Especially Udo, how you treat him and talk about him will be her final judge on you.

When Gabi invites you personally to cheer for her at her school soccer match, you know she started to open up to you. Especially how she spares you a couple glances and a wave while on the field.

For Falco it's when he starts opening up to you about his own needs and worries. He's so used to putting other's needs before him that he rarely talks about his own. Also the way you treat Colt will greatly impact your relationship with Falco.

You know Udo accepted you when he doesn't shy away from direct confrontation with you or gets cuts himself halfway through talking about something in fear he's being annoying. Instead he'll seem more passionate about his interests and more comfortable with physical touch around you.

Would literally spend hours talking about space and turtles to you, the biggest smile on his face and the most energetic and confident you've seen him that even Zofia can't correct him because he knows his stuff and is sure about it.

The way you react whenever he makes a mistake or accidentally does something bad, will greatly impact your relationship with him.

Reiner isn't oblivious to his cousins's feelings, he's actually really in touch with their emotions and can read them easily. He doesn't pressure Gabi at the start to like you nor does he guilt Zofia into giving you a chance after a year of knowing you.

He just reassures them that you're a good and kind person, you're trustworthy and you've showed him care and love. That you're his partner now and a thing that will be constantly permanent in his life.

He also reassures them that it doesn't mean he will leave them or pull away, he won't love them any less actually they'll have double the love since now you're here to offer that too.

And that talk from him is what pushes them over the line, realising they could get double the attention and care, they slowly began competing for your love.

They share their days with you, maybe add you into their memes groupchat where Falco posts his fortnite wins just for Gabi to demand to 1v1 him on Cod. Or how Udo sends pictures of lego sets he finished building, or maybe where Zofia shares the freshest influencer drama directly from twitter, is Kanya really cheating on kim with jeffree star? Who knows.

They try to manipulate you into helping them to break the rules Reiner set for them. Take that coffee away from Falco and get that mature rated horror movie away from Gabi, no udo you can't turn the kitchen into a chemistry lab and Zofia you can't stay up till 3am, i don't care that you're trying to summon a demon, you have school tomorrow.

Reiner told them no for doing something? Okay they'll just ask you instead, what will make you say yes when he said no?

"Because he's not the boss of you" is what Zofia says.

Falco is in dire need of hugs so offer them as much as you can, if they stay over let him sleep between you and Reiner, he can't do that at home anymore.

Gabi needs attention, so make sure to include her in everything and praise her for any accomplishments. She gets jealous easily so make her know that your love is unconditional and you'll always be proud of her even if she doesn't come first place at an event or challenge.

Zofia needs her space and respect, don't coddle her or belittle her interests. Show genuine attention to what she likes and support her. Also know when she says something she actually means it, so listen carefully.

Udo needs reassurance and safety, he also needs someone to believe in him. Comfort him yes but also have faith in him that he can do things, tell him mistakes and failing is okay but also have hope in his abilities and strength.

[ruffboijuliaburnsides]

Hi! Obviously ignore this if I'm asking something too personal, but you've mentioned that you're in the process of converting to judaism and I've been wondering how did you start? I've done a good bit of research and think it's something I'm interested in, but I have no idea what the actual process of conversion looks like, much less where to begin. Obviously feel free to ignore, or send me towards someone else, but thought I'd ask!

Hey no worries, anon! So, I will preface this by being forthcoming and saying I got partway through the conversion process, was forced to move, and ended up in a different part of the country with only one shul nearby whose rabbi (and community) are… very unfriendly to converts. They don’t SAY they are, but a few months of attendance and a handful of meetings with the rabbi with regards to conversion really hammered home that neither my wife nor I felt even remotely comfortable converting here, considering it’s a very personal and often vulnerable process, and wherein you have to actually like… trust and communicate with the rabbi you’re working with. So my conversion, while I still consider it “in progress”, is in an indefinite stall until we can move somewhere else or can reliably get to the next closest shul, which we currently cannot for various reasons.

ANYWAY. I started by doing a lot of research. Mostly I was just looking into… all kinds of religion, including Islam actually, because I missed the community and the structure and the spiritual anchors of my very conservative evangelical christian upbringing, but I didn’t like or want to return to the actual, y’know…. beliefs and tenets of Christianity. I found Judaism and just… the more I read and researched about the beliefs and the general culture of questioning and grappling with things within it, the more I felt like I’d found a people who I could understand, and a religion that understood me and would allow for me to be uncomfortable and question why things are taught certain ways and so forth. Which was one of many things that drove me away from Christianity, as I was not good at the whole “blind faith” thing. (they insist it’s not blind, but if you’re not supposed to question god then… what else IS it?)

At that point we were living in upstate new york, and the nearest reform shul was very small, did not have a permanent rabbi (there was one for a number of local communities that cycled around every few weeks), and really while they were officially reform they seemed to as a community have a practice and beliefs a lot closer to something like reconstructionist or humanist Judaism. I went to shabbat services on fridays there for a few months, and they were very nice but said they were very much not a usual reform congregation and that I should probably actually convert somewhere with a permanent rabbi and that was a bit more traditional, but that in the meantime they were more than happy to have me attend services and events with them. They were very sweet and I did appreciate that opportunity to accustom myself to the general pacing and content of a friday night shabbat service.

At that point we get to the part that you’re actually asking about, and I’m sorry if you’re just like “OH MY GOSH MAGS PLS JUST GET TO THE POINT” which is when we moved back down to Florida and I actually properly started the conversion process with a rabbi! I started out emailing the local shul and saying that I had just moved to the area, I was not Jewish but was interested in possibly converting and had been attending services at a very small shul up north, and is it all right if I attend a few shabbat services while I consider converting? I will say, I have never been told “no please don’t attend” about going to shabbat services, but especially with the world the way it is, and me being new and not knowing anyone in the community or having anyone to vouch for me, I prefer to ask beforehand so that they know to expect someone new who is reaching out and less likely to be a threat.

Anyway after a couple of weeks at that shul, I already loved the people and could tell I would get on pretty well with the rabbi, so I emailed her again about setting up a meeting to discuss converting. We had the meeting, talked about why I wanted to convert, what would be required of me, etc. She got me set up with a book list and some books from the shul library, gave me a reading assignment and asked me to write down any thoughts or questions I had, along with some other things that were kind of reading comprehension stuff, and told me to email her when I had finished so we could have another meeting. She also stipulated that she would have me live and practice through a full year of the Jewish calendar at minimum before she’d declare me ready to go to the mikvah, and we’d meet regularly, I’d do a lot of reading, I needed to attend a beginning hebrew class for adults that would be starting again over the summer, attend services (both weekly and holiday) as much as possible, and engage as much as possible in the community. (I really loved them. I was a soloist in the Purim spiel that year and I had friends and once I’d finished converting and could join the synagogue I’d already been needled to join their tiny choir and it was just a great group of people.)

Aaaand then we had to move due to things outside our control, and I couldn’t attend as often due to being a heck of a drive away (in a car with no A/C, in Florida, in the summer) so I tried to shift over to a closer shul whose rabbi my old rabbi knew, but it was High Holy Days and then he was travelling for some studies and couldn’t start doing anything like conversion until that was all over, and then we had to move again and now we’re here and have a very unfriendly rabbi and congregation, so we don’t attend services right now.

…………all this to say: you’ve done some research and you think you’re interested. Next step is to find the nearest shul that is of the movement you want to convert in, and call or email them and just let the rabbi know where you’re at and ask if you can attend some services respectfully to see if you still feel drawn to Judaism when engaging with it directly. If so, let the rabbi know, set up a meeting, and go from there. It’ll take time, a year at the LEAST and usually longer even if you DON’T have the sort of issues I’m currently having, but if HaShem is calling you home, it’s worth it.

(and if your rabbi requires to you take any classes or what-not, most organizations that run them that require you to pay some kind of fee offer scholarships or reduced tuition if you’re not financially able to enroll in them initially, so be sure to reach out about stuff like that, too.)

[lesbiansforboromir]

Impossible LotR Quiz Answer sheet with explanations!

As an addendum, since people have been doing the quiz I’ve seen a few mistypes and awkwardnesses that are my own fault so I’ve corrected them. This means some people got a higher score than was shown, know that when I looked over your answers I saw your actually right answers and fully appreciated them! It’s good to not that the ‘fill in the blanks’ questions will not take two words in one space, so I’ve had to get creative with how I apply two named folk like Mardil Voronwe, or people who have numbers like Hurin I.

I would also like to say, to everyone talking about how they’ve never read the Silmarillion, this quiz is very purposefully almost entirely based outside of the Silmarillion. This is Appendices stuff! Indeed there is only 1 question even tangentally related to elves in here, this is by design. 

@magaramach, @brynnmclean and @apojiiislands asked to be tagged in this! Answers under the cut. 

Q2. Who was Dora Baggins in relation to Bilbo Baggins? - Second cousin on his father's side Dora Baggins is a very elderly woman who was the daughter of Bilbo’s father’s brother. She likes writing people a lot of unsolicited advice! THIS WAS WRONG AND SAID FIRST COUSIN FOR SO LONG AND I AM DEEPLY SORRY FOR IT.

Q3. How many pairs of biological twins are mentioned in the whole of Arda's timeline and what races do they belong too? - 2 for men, 1 for elves and 3 for half-elves Fastred and Folcred, Haleth and Haldar (men) Amrod and Amras (elves) Elured and Elurin, Elrond and Elros, Elladan and Elrohir (half-elves) Now, admittedly Elladan and Elrohir are never actually described as twins. However they appear completely identical and have the same birth date, so it is assumed.

Q4. Baldor is who the skeleton scratching at the door used to be. When Aragorn and co pass through the paths of the dead they find a skeleton clawing at a door to the mountain. It is finely dressed and described as mighty and was later essentially confirmed to be Baldor, the eldest son of King Brego of Rohan, also called Baldor the hapless, who foolishly wandered into the paths of the dead on, apparently, a dare. (the answer to this was originally Brego because of a foolish typo from me, many apologies!)

Q5. When was the Ondonóre Nómesseron Minaþurie written? - During Meneldil's reign. “Enquiry into the Place-names of Gondor” was a text written by settled numenoreans about their new kingdom during Meneldil’s reign, who was the first sole King of Gondor after both Anarion (his father) and Isildur had perished.   

Q6. Farmer Maggot's particular friend was Tom Bombadil  It is stated that Farmer Maggot sometimes peacefully passes through the Old Forest to go and meet Tom Bombadil, who very much enjoys his company. However! Those who answered Merry or Pippin still deserve excellent recognition, Farmer Maggot was indeed fond of Pippin and respected Merry greatly.

Q7. What was the office of the Steward originally created to do? - Keep the Tradition of Isildur When Romendacil I went to war in the east, he realised that if he died then the secret of the Tradition of Isildur would die with him. Hence he wrote it down in a sealed scoll and gave it to a trusted confidante, to be given to his heir if he should perish. This tradition was maintained by further kings and those trusted confidantes became the Stewards of Gondor. This, admittedly, is a more suggested progression than explicit, but it’s a Impossible evil quiz so :) Q8. What was the 'Tradition of Isildur'? - Remember where Elendil was buried. Elendil had been secretly entombed in Calenardhon, supposedly the midpoint between Gondor and Arnor. This was a hallowed space for only Kings at first, but in later years when the Stewards came to rule Gondor they also were permitted the secret. Cirion had the remains moved when Calenardhon was gifted to the Eotheod to eventually become a part of the Kingdom of Rohan. 

Q9. At the time of Pelargir's founding, is the world flat or round? - Flat. Pelargir was founded as a ‘Faithful Numenorean’ haven on the river Anduin. Therefore it was built before Numenor’s destruction in the Akallabeth, the reason for which being that Eru turned the world from flat to round. 

Q10. Which of these monarchs were indolent and had no interest in ruling? - King Atanatar I - King Narmacil I - Tar-Vanimelde King Atanatar I ruled during Gondor’s richest generation and seemed to believe that meant he didn’t need to put any work in. Narmacil I, his son, didn’t want to put any work in, but he at least assigned his nephew, Minalcar, as ‘Karma-Kundo’ or regent during his reign. So he at least did something to keep the country going. Tar-Vanimelde had no interest in ruling and allowed her husband to do most of the governence. This backfired when she died and he organised a coup against his son to hold power.

Q11. When looking back on the Ship-Kings of Gondor, King Tarannon Falastur began the invasion of Harad and expanded Gondor's borders, King Earnil-I finally took Umbar but died at sea shortly afterwards, King Ciryandil spent most of his reign trying to defend Umbar and died in it's seige and King Hyarmendacil defended Umbar against seiges for 35 years before making war upon all Harad and claiming Harondor as a province of Gondor, ending the line of the Ship Kings.

Q12. What happened during the reign of King Romendacil II? - I don't know! Nothing? Yes I know this is particularly evil of me but Romendacil II was originally called Minalcar, yes the same Minalcar who became REGENT of Gondor due to Narmacil’s indolent nature. Minalcar indeed did everything else listed as answers to this question, but none of them happened during his reign as king. Indeed, his reign was said to be peaceful and we have no real information on it, so technically saying we don’t know, and suggesting nothing happened, is actually the most correct answer :)

Q13. Who succeeded Tar-Telperien of Numenor? - Her nephew, Minastir Tar-Telperien was a lesbian Queen of Numenor who never married and never wanted too and did an excellent job and I love her. Her nephew built a tower to mope in about how much he wanted to be an elf. They are not the same. Absolutely terrified about what Amazon could do to her. 

Q14. Whilst his brethren, the nazgul, were attacking the Prancing Pony, The Witch-King was waiting in the Barrow Downs and probably had a really nice time. Not much to this! Witch King was chilling with the Barrow Wights. 

Q15. Which of these characters are described as 'beautiful' at least once in the Lord of the Rings? - Galadriel, Denethor, Eowyn, Frodo, Elanor, Celeborn, Boromir Yes, Arwen is never described as beautiful, but Denethor is :)

Q16. We all love Boromir II, select the similarities he and Boromir I did NOT share. - Renowned relationship with the Rohirrim. - Destroyed the Bridge of Osgiliath - Feared by the Witch King - Retook Ithilien. - Had a brother. In case you’re wondering, yes, I love both Boromirs. But this question is a fun highlight of how many similarities Boromir II has with his namesake. These are the only things they didn’t both do. Although! Boromir I’s son was Cirion who allied with the Eotheod and created Rohan in the first place, the Uruk-Hai destroyed the Bridge of Osgiliath in Boromir I’s lifetime, Boromir II was PROBABLY feared by the witch-king we just don’t know, Boromir II held Ithilien and Boromir I had two elder sisters like Denethor II did.

Q17. Hey, did you know that, from Boromir I's war with the Uruk-Hai of the Morgul Vale, Gondor didn't know peace until Sauron's death on the 25th of March, 3019? Hah hah! How gut wrenching is that? About how long do you think it has been since Gondor knew peace then? Hey wait does that mean Boromir I's valiant victory that came at a personal sacrifice was the beginning of Gondor's wars and then Boromir II's valiant sacrifice was the end- oh god... oh fuck - 550 years To everyone who answered the crossed out answer,,, you’re correct in my heart. You get bonus points. Also hey! What the fuck :) 

Q18. Who was Borondir? - The rider sent to find Eorl who made it to him after starving himself for two days but who then rode to the Celebrant with Eorl anyway and died in that battle. Literally couldn’t love this fellow more. Big Hirgon energy. A hero of Gondor for time immemorial. 

Q19. The Ruling Stewards, from first to last (with their numbers typed as so Turin-I Hurin-II etc), were as follows; Mardil ; Eradan ; Herion ; Belegorn ; Hurin-I ; Turin-I ; Hador ; Barahir ; Dior ; Denethor-I ; Boromir-I ; Cirion ; Hallas ; Hurin-II ; Belecthor-I ; Orodreth ; Ecthelion-I ; Egalmoth ; Beren ; Beregond ; Belecthor-II ; Thorondir ; Turin-II ; Turgon ; Ecthelion-II ; Denethor-II ; and for like two seconds ; Faramir ; Alrighty, we had a bit of a fight in my discord about this but eventually I did relent in agreement that Faramir IS... very briefly... legally considered a RULING Steward. Ruling Stewards being Stewards that ruled a Kingless Gondor. But! With Aragorn RIGHT THERE is just seemed very redundant. Still! I’ll allow the pedant to win out, ten minutes is still a Ruling Steward. ALSO! I decided that having an extra box for the ‘voronwe’ part of mardil voronwe was just mean as it set everyone’s answers off kilter, so I removed that. ALSO for all of those calling me a bastard for adding this question, @illegalstargender was the one who requested it! I wasn’t going too! 

Q20. The Stewards, despite ruling through very tumultuous and violent periods, were often known for boring things (because they simply ruled better than the Kings did, I said what I said) But what boring thing was Steward Turin I remembered for? - Being the only monarch of Gondor that married twice This skeezy bastard really did marry a second time during his OLD age just to father a son. I can only imagine what a dreadful cultural and social effect this had on this prude country. It’s so unnecessary! He had daughters, many of them! One of them certainly had a son before he did. He was just being a controlling arse, down with Turin I!!!!

[madetobreak]

SM ON MAN ENOUGH

First of all, I want to say I really like this project that justin has started and I've always thought him and Shawn would get along and I was right . Sure some of the content tends to be very "woke-ish" but the discussions they have are important nonetheless. I would really like to see them add a WOC as a host just so they can touch on intersectionality a bit more. I also had 0 expectations going into this and was pleasantly surprised . Camila is never mentioned by name for those wondering. S just refers to her as "his girlfriend" while narrating a few anecdotes.

What we learnt:-

1. S had a bit of an alcohol problem when he was 17. He doesn't drink anymore though. I'm only mentioning this because an ask said this on an old blog. He's also previously said that he didn't drink before he was 19 but that's clearly false now.

2. Shawn was raised in an atheist family but has since become very spiritual. He talks about how music lead him to faith.

3. S said his family raised him to be kind and sensitive and whatnot. He said it was a real privilege to be raised in a more progressive family that didn't prevent him from expressing his emotions.

4. The last time S cried was a week prior to filming the podcast. He brought up a trauma to a male friend and had his trauma completely invalidated

WHAT I LIKED :-

1. I was fully expecting them to try very hard to be "oppressed" but they did a fairly good job acknowledging their white male privilege. I was scared that they would mix up toxic masculinity and feminism and but Justin seems to have a good understanding that feminism is NOT the place to discuss male issues .

2. S narrates an anecdote about how he once generalised women and thought that all women have problems with telling left apart from right because his ex girlfriend and a few female friends had that issue when they were younger. I thought this was a good moment because the example was very benign but also shows that S has a good understanding of issues he creates.

3. There is a very good discussion S and the hosts have about p*rn addictions and S opens up about being peer pressured into mast*rbat1ng before he was ready for it. I know a LOT of Twitter stans had a problem with this and taken out of context it does sound extremely weird but the conversation was extremely important.

4. Liz (the female co-host) brings up the gay rumours and I'm EXTREMELY glad Shawn didn't open his mouth and add fuel to the fire. He instead let her explain the situation to the listeners and in my opinion, Liz did a MUCH better job at conveying the matter in a more succinct way than Shawn ever could.

5. James (the male co-host) asks S what he is doing to better the situation (basically questioning his philanthropic endeavors) and Shawn talks about how he was media trained to deflect questions and doesn't really give a concrete answer. James then tells him he's beating around the bush and you can kind of hear S panic. I thought this was another good moment because S needs people to hold him accountable.

6. Finally I appreciated the fact that they acknowledged that all male issues are created and perpetuated by other men (and not by women)

WHAT I DID NOT LIKE-

1. S says at the beginning that he checked up on the women in his life after watching Justin's TED-talk. Weirdly it kind of insinuates that S requires another man's "okay" to check up on women. I personally feel like he could've phrased this statement better

2. I hate how both Liz and Justin gas him up for being so "mature" at the age of 22. We all know that S has a LONG way to go when it comes to this stuff.

3. A lot of what's being discussed and a lot of Shawn's comments are simply him regurgitating what he read in self help books. (Personally I think he should get more into research instead of reading those books that are popular in LA because most of them are written to tell you what you want to hear and are therefore somewhat of a scam.) S is on the same internet we all have access to and I just think that he should educate himself better. While I'm happy he's happy I don't think this particular path is going to sustain him in the long run .

4. The entire podcast is in itself a very first -world -problem-oh-woe-is-me-mulling-over-issues-that-have-obvious-solutions affair and S is evidently the least researched out of the 4 which is why I think this might agitate a lot of you.

All in all you don't HAVE to listen to this podcast but it's also WAY better than the trailer they released. He never said anything too stupid but he also didn't say anything too interesting.

P.S- shawn also wants to speak slower because it apparently gives him time to think before he speaks .

[neeterloveschenford]

RNM 3x06

Well this was an interesting one. So many questions! I’m really impressed that they have managed to turn this show around as much as they have. I was talking with my mom last week and she couldn’t stop talking about how much she is enjoying s3. We both can’t wait for the next episode because so much goodness happens every week. And I’m so glad that we got to start off this episode with Alex! I’ve missed him! But there is so much more to talk about, so let’s dive right in!

Sorry, Eduardo, Alex isn’t the best person to tell you how to have a conversation with an alien! Bless his heart, he’s been trying for over a decade. But the origins of Deep Sky are so intriguing. I can’t wait to learn more. And those suicide bats were creepy as all get out!

I can’t believe no one figured out Max was Jones sooner. I mean we all have problems with Max being a cop, but he’s so much better at it than Jones. And when has Max ever used phrases like “That’s an excellent question.” Weird no one got it until then.

It was a strong episode for the ladies. Love Liz, Rosa, and Isobel trying to help Maria. And Maria’s mind is an interesting place. Nice to see the Marosa friendship with Rosa giving up her necklace. Now can we get more time with them both conscious? Please?

Back to Max, seriously Liz. He didn’t react to Henry IV! He’s sorry that Genyrex didn’t work out? (did I spell that right? Genorex? Genoryx? I don’t know.) Hiding stuff in the desert? Shady.

Lucky! What a good boi!! I’ve missed him.

Love that when things are impossible to figure out, Michael goes to Alex. Also, suicide bats are so creepy. And does Michael look like a zoologist to you Max/Jones? Of course a hole in the ground is Max’s idea of a hiding place. And if Michael is invincible, couldn’t he touch the sword too? Especially if Jones is the dictator and his father.

Eduardo is like a creepy yoda. He’s all let’s go team, you can do it Alex, just believe in yourself. Then he runs off and does creepy stuff. Like deal with suicide bats.

Interesting that Rosa is developing new powers. Must be why we saw that sneak peek of her and Michael working on her control.

I actually quite enjoyed the Malex conversation. Of course they are still going to have moments when they fall back into conflict. It’s only been 6 days. Change doesn’t happen overnight. They are going to have to feel their way through their feelings for each other. It’s normal. But we still saw that amazing growth. Any other time Michael would have dove into a bottle and gotten into a fight. But he kept going and he even kept Alex in the loop when he figured out why the bats suddenly became suicidal. That shows a lot of progress. Alex still wants to protect Michael. Those two are so gone on each other. They’re gonna figure it out. I just know it.

I do love the friendship with Rosa and Isobel. And I don’t feel any romantic vibes from them which is good. I love that they can lean on each other. And working together to save Maria really shows how much they’ve both grown since Rosa was brought back.

That conversation with Sanders! OMG! He may be blind, but he ain’t stupid! I love how he walked Michael through the problem so he could figure out why the creepy bats were suicidal. (have I mentioned I hate bats?) Also, I knew he was a Malex shipper. Sanders is the best daddy Michael could ever ask for. He’s the one you need to be like Michael.

Boy Jones really can’t pull Max off can he.

Liz and Alex! It’s been 84 years. I love how they help each other by talking about what advice Kyle would give them. I think everyone needs to start wearing bracelets that say WWKD on them. Because Kyle always knows best. Also, smooth getting Liz to give you the blood samples dude.

Shouldn’t have left clues Jones. Liz is gonna figure it out. I mean leaving a visible handprint? Rookie mistake. Somebody’s been in a pod for several decades too long.

I love how Alex bullied that tech into doing his bidding. I feel like he’s going to be in charge of Deep Sky by the end of the season. As he should because he’s a badass boss. I love him. I can’t help myself.

Calling his boo to let him know what he’s found. Michael you show off. And Alex figuring out where the other radio is. My boys are so brilliant. I love them so much. Eduardo needs to give us back Kyle. I mean, these fools are going to all end up dead without Kyle there to protect them. And if you hurt one head on my sweet Alex, Michael will destroy you. Then again, if you shoot Alex, we could finally get a handprint moment.

So the ladies all know about Jones. Pretty sure hell hath no fury like Isobel when someone hurts one of her brothers. And why you gotta pull Lucky into your life of crime, Jones. He’s a GOOD BOI! Alex and Michael need to rescue him and raise him as their own.

So there we are. It was all in all a good episode. I haven’t been disappointed yet this season. I really like the direction Chris and the writers are going. I think they are giving us a really cohesive story that’s going to pay off in the finale. And I still know Malex is happening. It may not be till episode 13, but it’s going to happen. I have faith. Also #save lucky 2021. Till next time y’all!

[melonsmessymusings]

Preventing ‘Dark Willow’

This essay is based off an argument with my brother a long time ago. The question is if Giles staying in Sunnydale in S6 would have prevented Darth Rosenberg. There are many thoughts on this, but I’ve probably put my foot in my mouth as per usual and made a mess. 

No. Giles staying in S6 would not have prevented Willow from being a magic junkie. 

Throughout the show, magic is used as a metaphor for drugs and sex, albeit ham-handedly. In this case, it’s about drugs. With this in mind, let’s focus firstly on Willow. From as early as S1, Willow expressed an interest in learning magic. Her relationship with Jenny Calendar and her Technopagan badassery led to her forming what seemed at first to be a harmless interest in magic and Paganism. Towards the end of S2 in I Only Have Eyes For You, Willow admits to Giles: “I found loads of websites and stuff on paganism and magic... it’s really interesting.” which demonstrates her interest may be a little more than purely ‘educational fun’.

Her first taste of powerful magicks was restoring Angel’s soul at the end of S2. In Becoming Part 1, Giles warns Willow of the consequences of such mystical forces: “Channelling such potent magicks through yourself… it may open a door you won’t be able to close.” The Passion of the Nerd touched upon it briefly and explained the choice of phrasing is especially key here. It’s not as simple as a one-off spell that has no ramifications, the nature of the Soul Restoration uses a kind of magic that will stay with the caster forever. It leaves a mark. As we know, Willow does the spell anyway after waking up from a coma (don’t even go there) and successfully restores Angel’s soul. This is how her addiction started and it is the ONLY explicitly direct warning of the impact caused by using magicks that Giles gives her.

In Faith, Hope and Trick, Willow tries to persuade Giles to let her help him with the ‘spell’ to bind Acathla and lets slip that she knows more about the black arts than she’d originally led him to believe. There’s an interesting bit of dialogue between the two:

WILLOW: Are you mad at me?

GILES: No, of course not, no.

It’s obvious that Giles is anxious about this but because of his well-established role and priorities at this point, he’s not going to dwell on it too much, despite it being a genuine concern. Later in the episode, Willow also says, “Giles, I know you don’t like me messing with mystical forces…” so it has evidently been the topic of discussion previously. In Gingerbread, Willow is messing with magic again trying to make a protection spell for Buffy. The symbol used by Willow, Amy and that other kid is one commonly associated with human sacrifices according to Giles. The Black Arts. Even if that isn’t the spell they were casting, the symbol had other less pleasant implications. And so, it continues. By S4, Willow is doing much more than floating a pencil, progressing alarmingly quickly and becoming highly proficient by the end of the season. Giles reminds her of the dangers of magic subtly, “I don’t think it’s wise for you to be attempting spells, your energy is too unfocused” and Willow is still doing magic that is both powerful and harmful enough to have caught the attention of D’Hoffryn, Lord of the Vengeance Demons despite his apprehensions.

In S5 we get a first look at ‘Dark Willow’, when Tara gets brain sucked by Glory. There’s no way the whole gang didn’t know about that. Not a chance. Yet oddly, it’s never mentioned? Obviously, the writers had other priorities with the main plot and Glory etc. but it was criminally neglected. Willow used extremely dangerous dark magicks to go after Glory for hurting Tara at incredible risk to herself and the others who ended up having to rescue her. Justifiable or not, her actions were a reckless abuse of power that very nearly had fatal consequences. How any of them just let it slide without so much as a comment is infuriating. In The Weight of The World, Giles says to Xander, “It’s extraordinarily advanced” when he learns that Willow is trying to enter Buffy’s mind yet again, concerned. Also, we start to see the black eyes when Willow attempts more advanced spells, like teleporting Glory away in Blood Ties, or casting the protective wards in Spiral so it can be theorised that the magicks Willow evokes are steadily darkening.

Roll on S6. Set after Buffy’s death, a huge trauma for all the characters. Willow raising Buffy is evidently a massive achievement from her perspective. She considers herself to be a God. In Flooded, she gets the gut-punch from Giles that he is not in fact pleased with her at all. She’d expected him to be “impressed or something” which he was, but in the wrong ways.

GILES: The magicks you channelled are more ferocious and primal than anything you can hope to understand, and you are lucky to be alive you rank, arrogant amateur!

He blames himself for not stopping her, and rightfully so... to an extent. He failed to provide her with proper guidance or even show an interest in the types of magic that she was engaging with. If he had done so at an earlier stage, then perhaps Willow would not have taken things as far as she did. One interpretation of the argument in Flooded is that Giles is lashing out at Willow because he’s frightened. Most likely for Willow instead of Willow herself. He makes a point of saying that she was “the one [I] trusted most to respect the forces of nature” and bringing Buffy back defies the laws of nature. She had no respect for these forces, bending them to her will which is a scary concept. The argument that the Scoobies were selfish for bringing Buffy back notwithstanding, Willow was the one that actually performed the spell, hell bent in succeeding. That horrifies Giles and if anything, is a wakeup call for him to pull his head out of the sand and deal with this seriously. Willow meanwhile doesn’t want to hear a word of it, pacifying him instead of actually understanding the implications of her actions and listening to anything beyond his anger. There’s a lot that could be dissected in this scene but that’s unnecessary at this moment.

Magic is also the primary factor that caused Willow and Tara to split up at the end of Tabula Rasa. Tara had brought her concerns to Willow as early as Tough Love, saying that she was ‘scared’ about how powerful Willow was getting. When Tara tried to explain why she felt this way, Willow refused to listen. Every single time that Tara raised a concern about Willow’s use of magic, Willow either ignored it or reassured her that it was fine, and she was totally in control. But Willow has a history of altering people and their actions to suit her. She attempted to do so in Lover’s Walk by casting a spell on Xander to stop them having feelings for each other. Again, in Something Blue, while unaware of the effects of the spell, she still made the conscious choice to use magic to ‘have her will be done’. She ended up hurting her friends, however unintentionally. Then in S6 when Tara and Willow are arguing about magic, instead of having a proper conversation, Willow uses the Lethe’s Bramble to make Tara forget they were even arguing. A direct invasion of her mind. And Willow didn’t show any indication that she thought it was wrong. Barely two episodes later, Willow then used a spell which caused everyone to forget who they are after promising Tara that she would go a week without using magic. It’s no surprise that Tara wanted to break up.

Willow does get ‘clean’ by Entropy. Subsequently Tara comes back, and it all seems to go well until the brutal, vicious, non-sensical murder that causes Willow to launch herself back into the dark magicks stating, “I’m not coming back.” Only then does Giles do something about it. Only then does he take it upon himself to step up and realise that he has failed her, by which point it was far too late and resulted in her very nearly killing him, a price he deemed a suitable penance for his neglect.

But NOT ONCE prior to this did Giles intervene. He had the resources and was capable of it, and not once did he sit her down properly and say, “Willow, I think we need to talk about your use of magic because I’m a tad concerned.” Even after resurrecting Buffy, he only chastises her for her recklessness, he doesn’t actively do anything beyond this except a few powerful glares. He is watching her make all the mistakes he made as a young rapscallion and doing nothing about it. Then in S7, he fulfils the mentor role to her and helps keep on track of her recovery, an older addict helping the younger. It just highlights that he could have helped her sooner before it was out of control.

This comes back to Giles’ basic structure as a character. He’s a Watcher, the mentor to the Slayer. His purpose is to be in Sunnydale for Buffy. His whole life is revolved around Buffy, she is factored into every single one of his decisions. He never signed up to be the ‘father-figure’, despite appearing to adopt that role very quickly. He never signed up to care for Xander and Willow, he isn’t the Watcher of them. He has never given any indication that he wants that responsibility, and it shouldn’t fall to him to care for a group of random teenagers. It’s this fundamental construction of Giles’ character that means that he’s borderline dependant on Buffy, which isn’t her fault at all. He sacrifices everything, even parts of himself for her and most of the time gets nothing in return. The point is that Giles is so busy being a Watcher that he can’t think of anything else. It’s not necessarily his fault, that’s exactly how he was trained, and arguably after the whole Eyghon debacle, it’s unlikely that he ever truly had faith in his judgement again. Remember when Giles put Buffy before Jenny, the woman he loves? Buffy comes first, always because the mission is what matters.

On a more speculative note, Giles was aware of Willow’s obsession with magic and didn’t know what to do, instead choosing to believe that he wanted to help her, but he didn’t trust himself to teach her the control she needed. It does narratively fit for Giles to be reluctant to help Willow learn the magicks given his past. However, he neglected her and is at least partially to blame for Willow becoming a magic junkie. He had every opportunity over YEARS to step in and offer her a proper education. He had the skills and if he were hesitant, certainly had the connections to find someone who would teach Willow properly, e.g., the Coven in Devon. The audience is acutely aware after The Dark Age that Giles has a history of abusing dark magic. Note that throughout the series, he does not actually use that much magic himself. This abuse led to Giles having to murder one of his friends among whatever else he and his ‘friends’ got up to, which means he knows full well the ramifications of messing with that kind of power and doesn’t want to go down that rabbit hole again. Magic is an addiction and he’s a recovering addict.

Equally, Willow never asked Giles for help. It’s all very well blaming him for being negligent and grossly irresponsible, but she didn’t ask him to teach her. She didn’t ask him for guidance or whatever, at least not memorably. Assume that he did help her. That he trained her and gave her a proper education in the magicks. There’s no guarantee that any of that would have prevented Willow from taking it too far. Willow has an addictive personality and therefore it makes logical sense for her to become addicted to magic. Ultimately, Giles could have spent years training her, but he can’t make decisions for her, nor does he wish to. Willow is her own person, a bright, capable young woman who is an adult. He cannot push her to do anything and it’s not in his nature to do so. Dark Willow is an inevitability in a sense.

Essentially while Giles staying in Sunnydale would’ve been preferable on a personal level, it would have made very little difference as to whether Willow would abuse the magicks. She’d already done so on countless occasions with no intervention therefore he likely wouldn’t have interfered until it was too little too late. It’s not that he doesn’t care for Willow, but he had other priorities, right or wrong. Should he have helped her? Absolutely. But it takes two to Tango...

[falloutboywife]

i want to start this off by saying i am infintitely grateful for all the support i've gotten while i was away, and i cannot express enough how much it means to me to know i have so much support during such a frustrating part of my life, even if i'm only showing you guys one part of it. i cannot tell you enough how thankful i am, and i'm going to respond to as many messages as i can tomorrow because this has taken a lot of time and energy for me to write and piece together emotionally

i definitely think the other week when i made that lengthy post about my identity and my place in online spaces may have been a bit of an overreaction, however while i've had some time to think about it on my own i think that just avoiding tumblr outright is causing me to become pretty insular in how i'm perceiving the entire situation, which isn't made any easier for me considering when i ask my friends who've been seeing it unfold what their opinions on it are, their responses have been pretty mixed.

as a whole, i think that being in online fandoms, as an outspoken artist (outspoken in this sense meaning redacted and fat kid fuckery, both shameful and heretical topics few dare to mention), tends to inflate my ego in a way i don't really find desirable. meaning people who are super kind and friendly towards me and who give me a lot of positive attention, while reassuring and definitely welcomed, tends to lean into people admiring me for reasons i don't really understand, and this can also end up trapping me into a certain role to fulfill in a community because of the kind of attention i tend to reward and validate, i.e. fat kid fuckery in my dms, which leads to the expectation of me being this sort of bastion of hornyposting where all evil (affectionate) thoughts are encouraged and endorsed.

on the other end of the spectrum, and if you know what i'm talking about then you know, i tend to attract a lot of negativity from people i've never interacted with or had any intention of interacting with, and this has been an issue for me pretty much the entire time i've used social media (me adding hornyposting as a facet to my personality is really recent, like i only started doing this late 2017 and i'm really tired of it by now but. again. it's what people expect of me, more on that later), and i'm not entirely sure how to make it stop. granted, when i was a lot younger, i was genuinely an asshole, but i want to stress a very important thing i think very few of my followers on here are aware of

i'm 28 and only just now aware of the fact that i'm autistic, and i was misdiagnosed with bipolar when i was 13 and because none of the treatment or therapy worked, i always thought there was something really wrong with me, so i couldn't actually learn how to cope with a lot of my problems in a productive way until recently. so yeah, i was a jackass when i was younger, and i can be a jackass in private sometimes when i'm under a lot of stress, but having this realization about myself is really helping me a lot on its own

and being autistic, people can think i'm annoying or obnoxious or irritating and that, juxtaposed with content or opinions they might personally disagree with, can make people very angry just inherently. i've spoken with my friends about how i can't seem to shake off any drama that i really, really have nothing to do with or any interest in, and the only ones who could really relate were other autistic people. my own friend actually told me that she thinks this is something i'm just going to have to struggle with my entire life, because even if it's not being horny or advocating for sexual positivty, i'm ALWAYS doing something that will piss someone off

(quick disclaimer: i know some of you are probably going to try to engage in bad faith arguments with me saying that i'm calling all my haters ableist, and if anyone tries to insinuate that this is the conclusion i'm coming to, i'm not only ignoring your ask but blocking you as well. i'm also not answering any asks trying to insinuate that i "need help" simply because of the type of fiction i enjoy, when the issue was HOW i was engaging with it, which i think i have made exceedingly clear.)

i think it's funny that me clearly being into waycest and clearly being into babystump is lost on people to the point where they feel they need to make callout posts "warning" people about the fact that i'm...openly and unabashedly interested in this shit, but the very second i say "actually i'm asexual but i'm glad you guys are so sexually open about yourselves and your interests" i lost more followers than any active campaign trying to cancel me, which is exactly what i fucking mean when i say this is what people expect of me

so i can't really make anyone happy in the current environment i've curated for myself because it is expected of me to maintain this personality and continue engaging in this nature of content regardless of my own personal feelings on the matter, because if i want to break free from it then i risk pissing people off. i also can't just act how i want or make the kind of jokes that i want or enjoy the kind of things i want anyway because simply by having a mental disability that effects how i engage with people socially, i am risking ostracizing myself by pissing the wrong people off and ultimately making things a lot worse than they otherwise would be

however. However. even if this is exactly how i feel, this isn't entirely a situation that is exclusive to this current blog, and when i said in the beginning i was taking this too seriously, i still mean that, and i think that my own personal problems with being in online fandoms stem from external factors that have nothing to do with this website. i'm almost 30 and a lot of my life this past decade has been very stagnant due to severe depression, with no real progress towards furthering my life in any meaningful way, and i think that what i was really frustrated with when i made that post was this very factor. in conjunction with this, i use online spaces a way to try to find an open and accepting community of people i can befriend and be myself in, because my undiagnosed autism has historically made it difficult for me to really socialize with people in a productive way that didn't make me feel like an outcast. i think a combination of the fact that online spaces are becoming increasingly more difficult for me to adapt to, as well as incresingly unfulfilling, adding to the lack of fulfillment in the rest of my life, was the subconscious realization i came to when i decided to make that post and take a break from tumblr for a bit. i'm frustrated that i have no fulfillment in my life, and i can no longer find it in online spaces that i used to enjoy and find so much meaning in

this being said, i'm actually doing shit with my life at long last. i'm enrolled in classes for an english degree, and i'm going to subsequently get an associates in creative writing that i'll be able to complete in a single semester after the fact, leaving me with two whole degrees under my belt that i can use in developing my future in the literary world. i'm taking my art more seriously as well, although i only post my bandom and lotr drawings on here, and i'm thinking of making an instagram account to start posting my art on there as well, as a sort of portfolio. i'm sick of this ongoing feeling of there being no meaning in my life, and i'm sick of feeling like i'm just wasting away and putting my mind to no use, and the immense joy i got just from seeing my class schedule for the fall semester made me realize that i am an intellectual, i'm an academic, and i'm in love with media and literary studies and this is what i find meaning in. this shit makes me so fucking happy and when i finished the picture of dorian gray the other day i IMMEDIATELY went on a tirade about its themes and symbolism just to myself and that, alone, was so fucking rewarding. i've been watching movies with my friend sweaterangst and just describing the themes of the horror used in the fucking texas chainsaw massacre movies made me feel so fulfilled even if he might have barely been listening LMAO i find meaning in seeking out complex and thought-provoking pieces of work and i

absolutely

am not getting that being on tumblr and talking about how i'm gonna let the fat kid deepfry me at the state fair (affectionate) (delusional) (severe)

with that being said, yes, i'm still asexual and i don't get fulfillment from purely sexual discussion, but i think i'm still gonna be answering asks about the sexy stuff so long as i find it engaging to a degree. i'm gonna start trying to use the guys you say as creative writing exercises because in the beginning that's what the fucking smut started as LMAO but i lost the plot a while ago and just let myself stagnate, like i said. i'm still gonna blog about bandom stuff but now that i have no reason to treat social media like it's all i have, and now that i'm breaking out of my depressed state in more meaningful ways, i think i'm gonna start blogging about a lot more things too and try to start having fun on this site again.

five nights at fat kid's is back, baby

[hahanoiwont]

@bluerose2017 replied to this post: Omg thank you so much for responding to my thoughts. I have three questions for you. 1. How many universes are you thinking of writing in And Whither than? 2. Once all the sanses and Papyruses come together, are they gonna argue with each other on who gets Frisk? 3. Do the sanses and Papyruses ever get jealous of Frisk’s brotherly relationship with each other?

!! hi! I am so glad to hear all thoughts about my writing, thank you for dropping by to talk to me! And these are excellent questions :D

So, in order (and under a cut because I have a tendency to ramble):

1. How many universes are you thinking of writing in And Whither than?

Initially, WT was meant to skim over hundreds, possibly thousands of universes. Frisk gives up entirely on the concept of staying in one universe, and clings to their drive to free their friends and family in each universe--there's one more world where everyone is happy, and that has to be enough. But then I remembered some writing advice I got a while back about how you almost never need a hundred of something if you show a few of it really well. And I realized that Frisk can reach the same mentality I was going for while being a lot easier to understand if we only went through a few universes, zooming in on the initial adjustment to being misplaced in the multiverse. It's more fun if they're not an expert! It's a lot easier to like someone who we've seen adjusting and learning than someone who skims into old hat really quickly, narratively speaking. So, I did some massive readjustments.

Now, Frisk is going to go to a total of (spoilers!!!) seven universes, including Underfell. So far we've seen Underfell, Underswap, Dancetale, Frisktale, and Swapfell; that leaves two unexplored. (/end spoilers). I decided which universes to put in basically through requests early on (Dancetale wasn't requested but I missed dancing lol); now that the arc of the story is decided, I can only explore other potential AUs through spinoffs like Fall Into Grace. So: finite number of universes. We've stopped in Swapfell for a while, but we're making good progress.

2. Once all the sanses and Papyruses come together, are they gonna argue with each other on who gets Frisk?

This one's a bit more complicated--yes and no! On their own, they'll each come to a conclusion--Cozy/Stretch has decided it would be best if Frisk came to Underswap first and negotiations can start from there, while Blue is under the impression that they'll all be talking it out once Frisk is found, and Red has his own plans, etc. No one is arguing, but no one quite agrees, either. But at the end of the arc that brings everyone together, there will be some other complicating details--not to mention that Frisk has already been traveling for a long time for a preteen with no consistent home, and they have their own opinions about being kept. After all, it's people arguing about whether and where to keep them that started this disaster, and historically people wanting to keep them has not always been a good thing (see: every Toriel and swap!Asgore). Swapfell is actually the only universe that's gotten them to stay in the skelebros' home again, and that will have its own complications. Frisk is already a difficult person to contain, "keeping" may not be as easy as some would hope.

3. Do the sanses and Papyruses ever get jealous of Frisk’s brotherly relationship with each other?

:D I can tell you Red's not exactly pleased. One can argue that he signed himself up for heartbreak by kicking them out of his universe, though. You know who didn't give them up? Fell. Prepare for some spoilers ahead (nothing concrete, but a lot of the fuzzy "someday" stuff)

I have a scene very vividly in my mind for when they meet up again--we'll see how it actually works out in context, but it's been part of the plan almost from the start. Fell tragically lost his younger sibling when they were 12 years and 6 weeks old, having met them when they were 11. Already in WT canon, quite a bit of time has passed; even more for Frisk than for anyone else. They're getting older, learning, changing, growing. They're making new friends he's never met and having new experiences he can't imagine.

By the time he catches up to them, part of their life has passed without him, and he can't get it back. He risked everything to take them in and raise them, and that chance was stolen from him by the person he loves most in the world. Fell's very first thought after meeting them again is: You've grown up. You don't need me anymore. Because that's the tragedy of his part of the story: he went above and beyond in every situation, he improved himself beyond his wildest imaginings to live up to their faith in him, and he still loved and lost a sibling. So one day he'll have to face this fear--they've met other, braver, gentler, kinder, better versions of him. Now that they have a family that spans the multiverse, now that he isn't the best choice in a bad situation, what could they possibly need him for? What use is there in keeping him around if they don't need him anymore?

And Frisk's thought in return is, But I still want you. Wanting is just as good as needing, but I do it by choice. They never loved him because he was better than nothing; they loved him because they knew he was worth loving. He loved them and protected them when they were too young to look after themself. He was the Papyrus by which all others were measured. Of course they love their other siblings very deeply and very much, but that doesn't mean they would ever leave him for a version of him with a less explosive temper, or who's better at feelings. They love each of their brothers as their own people, who they got to know because of their similarities but came to love for their differences, too.

That's how a lot of the interpersonal conflict is going to be resolved eventually. A lot of patience, a lot of compromise, a lot of understanding. And, hey, it turns out it's a lot harder to resent someone for stealing your sibling once you crash on their couch a few times--there are going to be sleepovers all over the multiverse, and the various skeletons will get to know each other, too. After a while, each of these previously lonely people will turn around and realize that it's not just a shared custody situation, it's that their family has gotten a lot bigger. It starts with Frisk, but it ends with everyone knowing Slim is a great listener and Shy is actually terrible at DDR and Blue is the kinda guy who'll pick you up at 3am from the wrong universe, no questions asked. So while things will get pretty tense in the meantime, eventually, I hope we'll get to a point where it feels right for everyone to get along with each other. Sometimes it really is one big, happy family.

Anyway, that's what I think at chapter 21 (22?) out of a gazillion. It may be that a new plot comes out of nowhere, and I have to follow it down the rabbithole Right Now Immediately, derailing everything along the way. But I'm always happy to talk about what's going on behind the scenes! Please do come by and chat whenever--anything from "hey why is frisk so fixated on the stick" to "so actually though what if we stayed in frisktale forever"! I'm really pleased with this fic, so I have many, many thoughts about it :D

[kuro-ousama]

What do you think of Season 0 Yami vs DM Yami? Do you like one more? Like them in different ways? Like one’s role in the story better?

Oops, I'm so sorry... I wasn't online for these past days due to irl stuffs. Boy, you're in for a ride.

To answer this, I would assumed you were talking about their anime version and not the manga, so to be honest, I like DM version better, because Toei's anime only focused on the slice of life/ supernatural thing rather than plot progression, so there was no death-T, Shadi's game toned down, Bakura's boardgame was, um, well... Anyway, because the episodelistic (was that the word?) nature of ss0, Yami was more like a wraith that only appeared when Yugi's friends was in danger, rather than a foreshadow that he's an imprisoned spirit. 

I don’t get why people misinformed that “Yami Yugi was only an alter ego before Kazuki Takahashi decided to add Egyptian plot", and it annoyed me. The ancient plotline was already in planning, just probably in a different direction, but the intention of making Yami Yugi a ancient pharaoh was right there from the very start. This is a page from chapter 14, for example:

Here, what Shadi said was “まるで古代エジプトの王「フアラオ」の墓のようだ。。。！！！”, basic translation is “As if this is an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh's tomb”

The English translation cut out a couple of words, but eh, the foreshadow intention is still the same:

While SS0 had a different maze design, and Shadi had a different impression:

I mean Toei had a habit of adding filler and changing scenes (not that Gallop wasn't guilty of the same) but these little changes really made an impact on the storytelling. Compare it to DM version:

I mean, DM had loads of issues but at least they didn't butcher this foreshadow, thank goodness for that.

Like, I'm sure the author wanted you, the reader to connect these little dots and odds together before the big revelation:

“If Yugi and Yami are the same person, why is there two soul rooms?”

“One soul only have one soul room"

“But there are two soul room of two Yugis, because they are two completely different souls”

“If Yami Yugi is Yugi, his room must've been a darker version of Yugi's game room(if different personality counted as a different soul) , or he supposed to lurked in the shadow of Yugi's room (only one soul room per soul, established rule), but instead, it's a tomb/maze hybrid, with ancient designs that is unnatural for a simple modern alter ego”

“So, Yami Yugi came from ancient Egypt, not a dark personality that Yugi created on the spot when solving the puzzle"

Gallop's DM was more guilty of changing stuffs and filler arcs to add more duel in it, but Toei's series was specially guilty in taking stuffs out to add more comedy/slice of life fillers, examples are most of their anime: dragonball, sailormoon, one piece, saint seiya, must have been an 80-90 trend...

So when people said they liked ss0 Yami more and he should be that way in DM, and all of their reasoning was the same old “because he's a psycho murderer that burns people alive”.

And?

AND?

What else do you like about him? So you only liked ss0 for Yami’s memetic murderous status (Not to mention how terribly misinformed that was because there's only two chapter that involved fire out of 53 chapters of the first seven volumes, chemical explosion doesn’t count.)? Did you know Yami was only acting out on Yugi's anger? Did you know he didn't even aware he's a separate person? That's why he didn't react when Yugi got beat up, only when Yugi got angry at what ever villain of the week that he came out, like the Hulk. 

No, he also doesn't “protect" Yugi, he's Yugi's judgement stand-in, punish whomever hurt Yugi's friends, or himself, on Yugi's anger/ behave/ demand. Even in SS0, his attitude is soften over time, but it's not as apparent as the manga, due to them skipping or altering important arcs. 

Death T is an example, Yami's first character development, and the basis for Kaiba’s too, for that matter. When Yami's at the losing end, he was scared, he was lonely, and start distrusting himself, but the voices of encouragement from grandpa and Yugi's friends help him to continue the duel, to have trust, have faith, to believe.

The penalty games were supposed to make the victims reform, “you shouldn't do this anymore" kinda way, but it didn't work well with Kaiba, who had embraced Gozaburo’s teaching to heart. That's why Kaiba's chosen punishment was Mind Crush, to mend his own heart, and remember what he had discarded.

Yami Duelist Kingdom was “I want to save Grandpa, whatever it takes" (willing to sacrifice Kaiba in the process, aka what I coined the “Kiritsugu's ideals", means kill to save)

Yugi was “I want to save Grandpa, but I don't want someone else to die" (Unwillingness to let others die to complete his goal)

Their conflict of interest was suppose to be one of Yami's character development, and help him see beyond his choices, not just do or die. If Death-T and Bakura's game was about trust, then Duelist Kingdom was about trust and choices. Yami always believed he had no other options, so he had to do what he must. Yami didn't know that Mai would show up to repay Yugi’s star chips, so losing to Kaiba will be the end, and his grandpa would stay soulless for good, Yami  also didn't think about asking Yugi for his help against Pegasus, since the loser's soul would be imprisoned in a card, etc. If Yami was to look up, he'd had seen that he has options, not just one choice, but he didn't, that's why he had to learn it.

His fears kept him down, limited on what choice he can have, and in my headcanon, it's probably what made him sacrificed himself and seal himself in the puzzle, because he didn’t get to see any other options. DM anime did toned down a lot of Yami's character development, but well, at least it's better than what we got in SS0.

And so on so forth...

If you only have to compare the two anime, I like DM Yami better, ss0 is just a loose adaption that doesn't truly explore Yami's characterisation, or anyone else, really, for that matter. SS0 is entertaining to watch, if you need some slice of life/ supernatural/ monster of the week type of show, but characterisation wise, it's not good.

“Yeah but in SS0 Yami murdered people left and right, he's so evil I love it" 

[sebbytrash]

Through His Eyes - Part Fifteen

Summary - Bucky arrives at the compound to start afresh but you and him have a somewhat colorful past, colorful being that you met him once before as The Winter Soldier and it did not go well. New beginnings, yeah? If you can learn to forgive.

Pairing - Bucky x Reader

Warnings - Not much, a little angst, a little implied sexual content

A/N -  OK here it is, finally managing to squeeze a little writing in whilst the baby is sleeping! I hope this is still something you guys enjoy, love you all so much for sticking with this one for the last (2) years!!

Through His Eyes Masterlist

Shit. ShitShitShit. You did it again. 

You’ve woken, once again, tangled in the sheets with a very naked Bucky Barnes.

Shit.

You meant what you’d said about being friends, how could you not? But then you’d seen him standing there with all that anguish and been overwhelmed with the need to soothe it, soothe him. OK, yes, that should not necessarily lead to hopping straight back into bed with the man, but here you are. Zero self control and an abundance of poor decision making skills that combined spectacularly, the gunpowder and lead, fired directly at your life.

As you lie there pondering those life decisions, you listen to the sound of Bucky’s deep even breaths, realising after a few seconds that your breaths match his when his arm knots around your waist. It fits against you like it was missing all along, like there was an arm shaped whole across your ribs that's now filled in perfect proportion, almost how your breaths match his, too. There’s no one, you think, less suited for Bucky than you.

You leave without waking him, again.

“Sam.” You say, as you walk towards him in the kitchen, and then more urgently, “Sam.” 

“Marshmallow, are you okay?” He asks, instantly worried at your tone and the sudden closeness to him, his face searching yours for signs of your usual demons.

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” You sigh, step forward and lean your head on his chest.

“Okay, do you wanna maybe explain?” He says, like your tone wasn’t enough, when you’d so obviously tried to project your thoughts into his head so you wouldn’t have to say them out loud. 

You bite your lip and raise your head, wondering how on earth you say what you need to say to him, watching his face grow tighter and tighter in concern and force out in a rush, “I slept with Bucky.”

His face. Right away, his eyebrows were doing something entirely different to his eyes, and his eyes were doing something different to his mouth. He had three expressions at once. They all fight for dominance, or probably more accurately, simply line up in a row to give you all three in quick succession. 

“You…” He begins, and the stops, and you begin to wonder how badly he’s going to yell at you for this that he needs so much time to arrange his thoughts when Bucky appears beside you.

“Hey Sam, Y/N.” He says simply, like he hasn’t just walked in on your word vomit, and then to Sam directly, “You ready to go?”

“Go?” You ask before you can stop yourself, more confused by Bucky talking to Sam than anything else. 

“Yeah, to the VA. Bucky has been coming along with me.” Sam answers, still staring at you in that three-expressioned way. You glance at Bucky, worried he’s going to pick up this weird vibe but when you do, you find he’s looking at you already, giving you a different kind of look but one with no less weight to it. 

“Oh.” You say, glance between them a little too long, “Oh! Ok, that's good. Right? Yeah. Good. I’ll just...leave you guys to it then?” You trip and stumble over the words almost as much as you do over your feet as you back away from them, letting your eyes take up too much space on your face. 

Double shit.

It’s a few hours since your confession to Sam, you're sitting in your room with Netflix on in the background, staring at the door. You know it will knock, you're just wondering when it will and, more importantly, who it will be. Or, more accurately, who will be first. 

Despite the staring, your startled when the knock sounds, heart suddenly throat bound and climbing. You know who it is by the knock alone.

“Can I come in?” Bucky asks when you open the door, a soft, unobstructed smile on his face, his hair tied neatly at the back of his head. You open it further in answer. 

He sets down a paper bag on your side table as he does, hovers awkwardly at the edge of your couch like he isn’t sure if he should sit and you hate that, hate that your making him feel like that after all your progress.

 You sit, and gesture for him to join you, “How was the VA?” 

“It was good,” He says, rolls his tongue like he's measuring his words, “I like it there.” 

Truthfully, it surprised you that he was going there, that he was mentioning it so casually now, that he was taking steps towards his own well being after so long of not. 

“I’m glad.” You offer quietly, “You deserve to.” 

He smiles at that, loses an inch in height as he does, settling into the silence with a comfort you’ll never master with it. Finally, he offers a branch, “So, no more nightmares then?” His subtle way of bringing it round to last night, or nights, and you laugh despite your trepidation.

“It must be your bed, so comfortable, it feels brand new.” You joke, if only to stall.

“Hmm, yeah I guess it is. Never slept in it till you.” He confesses, his smile still light despite the nature of it. 

“You didn’t?” You ask, confused because where else would he be sleeping then and a flash of a memory pushes against your eyes. The night you saw Bucky having a nightmare, him all tangled up with his sheets on the floor. “Oh.”

“Yeah, turns out it's pretty common actually. Something from the war, not from Hydra.” He explains with such ease that you assume has come from his time spent at the VA, his time spent with Sam. Oh Sam, forever the friend, always the healer. Your heart is fit to burst with pride for him. 

“You think you’ll stay there now? In the bed” You try not to weigh his recovery on the edge of the question.

He looks at you solidly as he answers, “Yeah, think I’m there for good now.” 

Both of you jump as the door swings inwardly, Sam waltzing in like he lives there too and then halting, comically, when he spots you both on the couch looking a lot more guilty than you should for two people having a simple conversation. Like there was anything simple about either of you. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt, just wanted to finish our conversation from earlier, Y/N.” Sam says your name a little thicker than usual, hinting at what’s to come.

“I was just about to head out, anyway.” Bucky rushes, looks at you carefully and adds, “I’ll catch up with you later.” You find yourself nodding, even though you know you shouldn’t. 

Sam claps him on the shoulder as he passes, waits till the door is closed before turning back to you, eyebrows near the damn ceiling, “You!”

“Me?” Your smile turns to a grimace under his stare. 

“Yes, you. Dropping a bomb on me like that and then running off before I can disarm it.” 

“In my defence, I had no idea you were about to leave.” You remind him, avoiding the topic altogether.

He takes Bucky’s spot on the couch beside you, arms folded across his chest as he turns to face you, “All right, let’s hear it.” 

And so you explain, tell Sam about each of the encounters and how you’d gotten to this point and to his credit, he says little, makes no expressions that might reveal his thoughts, just lets you get it all out. 

When you finally finish, you push the heels of your hands into your eye sockets, the hopelessness of the situation suddenly overwhelming, more so now that Sam knows. Now that your actions can be judged by someone sane and separate. 

“I just…” You start, trying to explain how you felt, feel, “It was just nice to feel something else other than all the dark stuff, you know? And as weird as it is, he gets it, that feeling.” 

“I can understand that.” He says after a pause, reaches over to take those hands from your face and hold them in his, solid, steady. So very Sam. 

“It doesn’t mean anything.” You say, looking anywhere but at him.

“Yeah? Then why did you tell me?” 

“I don’t know.” You answer honestly. 

“I think you do.”

-----

Later, when Bucky knocks on your door far later than is polite, you consider ignoring it. Or you consider that you should ignore it. That you should do the right thing for you both, for him and let this be washed away like a fever dream.

You don’t.

-------

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[p-artsypants]

I Do...I Guess? (Part  One)

The Proposal

FF.net | Ao3.com

I got a craving to replay FFX again for the first time in like ten years. To be honest, I forgot a bunch of stuff (not to mention that I never finished it in the first place.) 

I’m recently engaged, and as I was playing this game, my brain kept saying ‘how would this scene be different if Yuna and Tidus were married?’

So I decided to write it. 

I didn’t want to rehash the whole story completely, so it diverts a bit and I skipped some scenes that I felt would have been the same in canon. Hope you enjoy! 

--

It felt good to laugh. Right. Like they weren’t on a mission to save the world. Like they weren’t trying to stop a hellish reincarnation of his father. 

Like they were a bunch of friends, having fun on a road trip. 

Yuna looked at him, eyes filled with tears from their laughter. Most of her smiles so far had been strained, or just an act. But this was joy. Pure, real joy. 

His fake, psychotic laugh had echoed over Luca, and at first she couldn’t stand the absurdity of it. 

But only a few minutes later, when they both frantically tried to catch their breaths, Yuna realized what she was missing. 

Someone who wasn’t afraid to be a little silly. Someone who wasn’t afraid to be a little rude or wild, even in the face of propriety of Yevon. 

It was a good feeling. 

She smiled at him. “I like you, Tidus.” 

The blunt phrase hit him like a bullet, straight to his heart. “I uh uh...like you too?” And he did. Maybe a little too much for the comfort of his fellow guardians. But getting Yuna’s approval felt good at least. It was nice to know she liked him, and she wasn’t just tolerating him as Wakka’s lost duckling. 

Well, she had agreed to make him a guardian, hadn’t she? That had to count for something. 

She nodded once, a determined look on her face. “Wait here a second, okay?” 

“Oooookay?” 

She walked over to where the others were standing, watching with faces of confusion and mild horror. 

“What?” Called Tidus. 

“We were just wondering if you two had finally lost it!” Wakka called back. 

Tidus didn’t get a chance to reply as Yuna beckoned Wakka into a huddle with the others. 

She talked too softly for him to hear, back to him, and hands held tightly to her chest. No indication of what this was all about. 

But they all gasped together, obviously shocked at something she had to say. 

Something about him? What? Did she want to make him super guardian or something? Did he get promoted already? 

Each and every guardian took a second to look at him, eyes narrowed in a glare of scrutiny. 

Aw crap. What did he do wrong this time?

They all seemed to come to an agreement, as they nodded solemnly. 

When Yuna returned, her face was red, and her eyes wouldn’t meet his. 

“Yuna?” 

“I would...like to ask you something.” 

“Shoot.” 

“It may be sudden, and a little strange...” 

“As has my whole journey been so far. Nothing new for me.” 

“Well...if it’s not too much...I’d like to ask you...to marry me.” 

“M-m-marry?!” He stuttered, taking a full step back. “Wh-what? How? Why?!” 

“You can say no!” She insisted. “It’s just that...summoners typically have a family, or a next of kin. My parents are gone, and I have no siblings. Lulu, Wakka, and Kimahri feel like siblings to me, but in the eyes of Yevon, they’re only friends. I’d like to...take you as my husband. Officially.” 

“That...makes sense...but why me?” 

Her face turned redder. “I told you I liked you...” 

“I didn’t know you meant it that way.” 

Yuna looked ready to cry. “You can still say no. And nothing will change! You can still be my guardian. It’s just that...the temples get really touchy about guardians of the opposite sex staying in the same room with the summoner if they aren’t related or married. Lulu thinks it would be safer...” she covered her mouth. “I’m sorry! I don’t want to pressure you! This is up to you, and I don’t want to twist your arm!” 

Tidus laughed. Not at her, of course, just the situation in general. It was a hollow laugh, one that betrayed how he felt. 

She blushed again, this time in embarrassment. “It’s not a joke...” 

Tidus took a deep breath. “No, it’s not. I’m sorry, I was just...a little shocked. Are you sure? I mean, I’m trying to get back to Zanarkand. If you don’t think I will ever get there, and so you’re taking a chance on me...” 

She shook her head. “I don’t know if you’ll go back. If you do, I’d like to go with you.” She bit her lip and looked away from him. “Truth is...I haven’t ever felt this way about someone before. I felt it the day we met, too. And it’s only grown stronger every time you made me laugh.” She bravely met his eyes. “I don’t know what the future holds for us. But this is something I can control. Something that I can choose. And I choose you. If you’ll have me.” 

Tidus scratched his head, torn. Yuna was amazing. Wonderful, beautiful, sweet, and kind. Not to mention wickedly talented as a summoner. 

But Sin. His father. Zanarkand. Would she still pick him if she knew? 

“This is your decision,” said Auron. “It doesn’t need to be rushed.”

“The next temple is Djose,” added Wakka. “It’s a ways away. But you have until then to decide. That’s the soonest we can get someone to perform the ceremony.” 

Yuna looked small. Smaller than he had ever seen her before. And it was his fault. “Hey,” he said, grasping her shoulder. “My hesitation isn’t because of you.” 

She looked at him, hope in her eyes. 

“I do like you. Kind of like you said you liked me. I noticed it a while ago, but didn’t think it was...wise to entertain it. Any man would be lucky to take you as a...wife.” He struggled with the word. “But, I just need a little time to think. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to be a hindrance on your pilgrimage.” 

“Oh you won’t be!” Yuna insisted. 

“Yuna,” Auron stepped in. “What if...you beat Sin, and he goes back home? Would your marriage matter?” 

Yuna was quiet a moment. “I always wanted to be a summoner. Ever since I was a child. Just like my father. Marriage was a pipe dream. I know I won’t get that domestic life that everyone dreams about. But if I could entertain it, for a little while, I think it would be worth it.” 

“Who said you can’t have domestic bliss?” Asked Tidus. “Say I agree. You defeat Sin. I don’t go home. Then what? We bask in the glory of your success and return to Besaid. Or wherever you want to settle.” 

Everyone was silent, not making eye contact. 

“I mean, I have faith that we can beat Sin. I’m just saying that fantasizing about the future could be fun.” 

Lulu spoke up. “Perhaps it’s best if you thought things over. We understand where Yuna is coming from. If you want to talk things through a little more, just ask.” 

Auron nodded. “But we can talk on the road. We should get going.” 

All talk of betrothal behind them for now, the group ascended the stairs and stepped onto the plains. 

Everyone moved on, the air a mixture of tense silence and feigned normalcy. 

Tidus hung in the back, away from Yuna, feeling like the scum of the earth. 

Auron walked beside him, that mysterious quiet following him. 

“I messed up, didn’t I?” 

“She sprung that proposal on all of us. Your reaction was normal.” 

“What am I supposed to do? You know what’s going on better than anyone else. What with...Jecht and Sin. You told me not to tell her. So what’s the right thing to do?” 

“Yuna cares deeply for you. I knew it the moment I saw you together.” 

“Oh, like you’re some sort of love expert?” 

“Not a bit. But Yuna is easy to read.” 

“Yeah...she is.” 

“And you didn’t notice?” 

“It’s different when it’s you, you know?” 

“You’re just oblivious.” 

“Am not!” 

“And immature. Definitely not marriage material.” 

“Now you’re just being mean.” 

“You’re just being sensitive.” 

“Rude.” 

They fell into silence then, just following Wakka and Lulu’s lead. 

“Tidus.” He spoke softly.

“Hm?”

“Yuna is Lord Braska’s daughter.” 

“Correct.” 

“The honor of defeating Sin would make her a legend. That honor is something she’s willing to share with you.” 

“I mean, I was planning on helping her anyway. I don’t need the glory.” 

“Then I anticipate you’re a lot less selfish then some other men in this world.” 

“I...don’t follow.” 

Auron exhaled, patiently rewording his explanation. “If you don’t wed her, there’s a chance someone else would try to do so. And they might not be in it for the right reasons.” 

“...so, you’re saying I should say yes?” 

“You wanted guidance. Isn’t that why you’re walking so far back?” 

“I do want guidance. I’ve only been in Spira for a week, and I’ve already been proposed to. How’s a guy supposed to handle that?” 

He sighed. “I don’t want to screw things up for Yuna. I want to help, but if everything that I am...if what he is makes everything wrong...and it’s too late to back out, I would feel awful.” 

“Sin’s identity won’t matter. None of this will matter in the end.” 

“In the end?” 

“Once she calls the Final Aeon. Her pilgrimage is over, and it won’t matter. Being married to you, whether you stay on Spira or not, is irrelevant.” 

“If I do go back in the end, will Yuna be able to marry again? Is that legal here? Dumb question, I know...” 

“It’s legal. But she probably won’t.” 

“And she’s okay with that?” 

“Yuna knows all the consequences of her decisions. She may be naïve and hopeful, but she isn’t ignorant.” 

Before the conversation could progress, there was a growl from the tall grass before a wolf fiend leapt from its hiding place, and the guardians fell into battle. 

—

Next on the chopping block was Wakka. 

Or rather, he was the chopper, and Tidus the choppee.

He grabbed Tidus by the head, forcing his face into his armpit and nooging his head. “I told you not to go getting any ideas!” 

Tidus nearly puked, but broke out of the grapple before he could die. “And I told you no promises!” He wiped his face with his sleeve. “It’s not my fault I’m ridiculously charming.” 

Wakka huffed, “‘Ridiculously charming’ yeah right. I saw you talking on the boat. You were flirting with her!” 

“If being nice and talking to her is flirting here, then I don’t want to know what my actual flirting game looks like in your eyes.” 

Wakka rubbed the back of his head. “I should have seen this coming. Yuna doesn’t know a lot of boys her age. It was only a matter of time before she got a crush on you.”

“So because I’m her age, and around, she was bound to like me? Is that what you’re saying? Really?” 

“...you’re right. That makes Yuna sound shallow. Still...I wish it hadn’t been you.” 

“Wow, thanks a lot man. Didn’t know you had such a poor opinion of me.” 

Wakka groaned loudly, catching the attention of everyone else. He waved them on, and pulled Tidus back a little further. “You’re cool, dude. Honest. I just...do you remember the story of Lady Yunalesca and Lord Zaon?” 

“No.” 

“Well, Lady Yunalesca is the first summoner to ever defeat Sin. And she did it with her guardian, her lover and husband Lord Zaon at her side. It’s a love story that everyone fantasizes about having one day. Yuna has the capabilities to be just like Lady Yunalesca. But you...you’re no Lord Zaon.” 

“So? Maybe a Lord Zaon isn’t what she needs.” 

“What she needs is someone to support her. Someone who knows what’s going on, who doesn’t need her to hold their hand and explain everything to. I’m really not trying to be mean, brother, but that Sin toxin messing with your head is a major point against you.” 

Tidus understood exactly what he was talking about. He had gotten in plenty of hot water with people when he flubbed up some religious practice. Even simple questions were treated like heresy. 

If you couldn’t ask questions about your faith, and you just followed what everyone said, was it even your own belief? Or just blind obedience? That was something that was nagging him about Yevon. And maybe that was an indication that he would just be trouble for Yuna. 

“Yuna needs a strong, smart, level headed pillar…not a doofus.” 

“I’m not that big of a doofus.” Tidus scuffed his boot against the ground. “But I get it. My ignorance is a boo-boo.” 

“Other than that, I’ve got no complaints!” Wakka protested. “You’re nice, make some really great jokes, you’re a decent fighter and only getting better…”

“What, you put me down only so you can butter me up? Pick a mood, man!” 

“Sorry, sorry, I just…was surprised. When she proposed. I understand why, I’m just…” 

“I get it. And now I know your opinion on the matter.” 

“What did Sir Auron say?”

Tidus shrugged. “Danced around the topic. Made some good points, but ultimately decided it didn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter?”

“Probably as long as Yuna continues her pilgrimage, he doesn’t care about her love life. I’m definitely not going to try to stop her. She has an amazing goal ahead of her.”

“Yeah…” Wakka shrugged. “It’s a little terrifying too. Exciting to be a part of it, but...” 

“Daunting.” He finished for him. 

“Yeah. That’s a good word for it.” He rubbed his shoulders. “Anyways, if you do decide to take Yuna up on her offer, there won’t be any hard feelings, okay? Yuna makes her decisions, and she’s put this one in your hands. I can’t stop her or you.” 

“But if you could?” 

“I already told her what I told you.” 

“You told her I was a doofus?” 

“More or less.” 

“Thanks.” 

“She still proposed. My guess is she already knew.” 

“She’s at least kind enough not to say it to my face.” 

Wakka chuckled. “She’s too nice for her own good.” 

“Can I say something and you not get mad at me?” 

“No guarantees.” 

Tidus chuckled. “Remember when we were in Kilika and Dona was there, and saying all that crap, and Yuna very politely but firmly told her to move on?” 

“Yeah?” 

“It was extremely hot.” 

Wakka barked a laugh. “Glad to know you like a woman being stern with you.” 

Tidus shrugged. “Maybe. Back in Zanarkand, I had a lot of girls doing whatever they could to get with me. It got really annoying after a while.” 

“Oh, Mr. Hotshot blitzball player, star of the Zanarkand Abes! Player and most beloved bachelor, ya? Sounds like a real delusion. You must have inhaled a lot of that toxin.” 

“Yeah,” Tidus scoffed. “About a thousand years worth. I thought you were starting to believe me?” 

“I was, but then you started talking about your groupies and now I’m not so sure.” 

“Look, if you’re not going to be helpful, then I might as well go talk to someone else.” He spotted the next closest guardian and spoke a little louder. “Hey Kimahri!” 

The Ronso glanced at him, eyes narrowed in that stoic way he always was. 

“I was wondering, what’s your opinion on Yuna’s proposal? Should I say yes?” 

Kimahri lowered his head in thought, but only for a moment, before raising a large paw and whacking Tidus on the back, like you would a friend. 

Then he walked away. 

“What was that supposed to mean?” 

Wakka chuckled. “I think it’s free for interpretation.” 

—

They came across many people on the Mi'ihen Highroad. An old scholar with the dustiest voice he’d ever heard, an acolyte of Yevon named Sholanda—Shinda? Shish Kabob—Tidus could never keep these people’s names straight. A thousand years is plenty of time for words to evolve. 

And then there was Belgemine. A summoner, and a nice one, for once. A breath of fresh air compared to Dona. 

Yuna accepted the friendly spar, grateful for the chance to learn and grow. The guardians stepped back, and offered plenty of room for the magic storm that was to unfold. 

Belgemine had a new aeon to Tidus. A werewolf on fire, with nasty horns and claws. 

This must be the aeon from Kilika, though he didn’t hear what name Yuna gave hers. 

‘Hot Dog’ would have to do. 

Yuna raised her staff, and drew it back like the bow on a cello. The glyph appeared, and the summoning began. 

It was just as awe inspiring as the first time he had seen ‘Big Bird’ in Besaid, and every time after. Each direction she gave her aeon was lethal to any man or fiend, but Belgemine’s aeon took hit after hit. 

He wanted to cheer, if he hadn’t been too entranced by all the sparking lights. 

“Your mouth is open,” commented Lulu, dryly. 

He snapped it shut. “Oh. Yeah...I just can’t get over how cool these summons are. Yuna’s so talented.” 

“Her prayers are strong. The Fayth hears them, and the aeon reflects that strength. The more resolve, the more powerful the aeon.” 

“So Yuna is really determined to fight Sin, huh?” 

“Personally, I believe that she thinks she has no other option. She is her father’s daughter. What would anyone else expect of her?” 

“Kinda crappy on their part. Yuna has more merit than just who her dad is.” 

“To you and I, of course. But to the rest of Spira, a bunch of strangers, she’s a beacon of hope.” 

Tidus considered that a moment, hearing the phrase repeated time and time again. He wondered who they were trying to convince. 

“Would Yuna taking a husband blot out that beacon?”

It was Lulu’s turn to be silent, as Yuna’s aeon created a burst of light and Belgemine’s dog turned into pyreflies. 

“Yuna’s journey will not be easy. Yevon demands their summoners to never show sorrow or worry, but she is still young. She could use someone to share the burden with.” 

“So...is that a yes? I should take Yuna up on the proposal?” 

“I’m still trying to rationalize it out.” She said honestly. But the coldness in which she usually answered his dumb questions with was absent. “As a woman, who had loved and lost, there is something so simple and innocent as wanting to find your Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Not many do. The uncertainty of life on Spira doesn’t allow much for waiting and hoping.”

“So this is pretty normal? Knowing someone for a week and then proposing?” 

“For some. For Chappu and I, we thought we had plenty of time. We were both accomplished fighters, and we were sensible. There was no reason to rush. I don’t like having regrets, or wondering what things would have been different if I had made another choice. The past is the past. But, other people might have the right idea in rushing.” 

“So...yes?” 

“Are you that eager?” She smirked. 

“I don’t know! I never thought about getting married. I thought, hey, someday, if I meet the right girl...I didn’t exactly have a great example of domestic bliss in my own life. But it was something to think about when I was older. Now was for partying, flirting with the cute fans, getting my game right!” He sighed. “At least it was, until I came here. Now it’s surviving, and being prepared to take the hit for her. I...don’t even want to play blitzball anymore.” 

“So you’ve talked to the others?” 

“Yeah. Got a hard no, a vague back pat, and a ‘it doesn’t matter.’” 

She scoffed. “Men. Well? What do you want? Yuna gave you the choice.” 

“But do I choose what I want, or what’s right?” 

“They aren’t the same answer?” 

“I...honestly don’t know.”

—

They arrived at the Al Bhed inn in the evening when the sun was still high. Tidus found it greatly satisfying to see Auron not putting up with the blatant racism from Wakka, and they took out rooms for the night. One cramped room for the guys, and one for the girls. 

How would that work if he and Yuna got married? Would Lulu still stay in the room? Would she get one of her own?

It was crazy that he was even thinking about it. This wasn’t the kind of person he was. How many marriage proposals did he get daily from random girls back in Zanarkand? Dozens. 

And how often did he entertain the idea of agreeing? Not once. Sure, he soaked in the thrill and flattery of it all, but not one of those girls had made him consider taking a vow. 

So what was it with Yuna? He’d known her a little over a week, and most of that week was met with hostile glances from the other guardians. 

But she was so easy to want to protect, to want to talk to, and to be around. 

And maybe, even easy to lo—

Mm, maybe he wasn’t there yet. He definitely liked her though. But marriage!?

Sleep didn’t come easy. He was certainly physically tired, after saving Yuna from being kidnapped that morning, playing a game of Blitz, and the fight with all the fiends after…

But his mind was a wreck. For a little bit, he thought he might have had a dream—or rather, a nightmare. His old man, huge and bloated and horrible, writhing like the monster he had seen as Sin. Yuna stood near, her blue eye filled with ice, her green with fire. And she stared right at him, face unreadable with the neutral, emotionless summoner facade she always had to wear. 

“You would have your wife kill your father? How could you be so cruel?”

And then he woke up. 

Auron was gone, though Wakka and Kimahri were asleep on the other side of the room. After that disturbing vision, he doubted he would be getting any sort of sleep for a while. So he rose, and went outside to see if he could find Auron. 

The sun was setting. Auron stood just outside the Inn, watching Yuna who sat in the grass, cliff side. 

They hadn’t talked since the proposal. Things were too awkward, and he still didn’t have an answer for her. 

It seemed like Auron didn’t care, as he shoved him forward. 

Tidus pinwheeled before he could fall on his face, though the sound caught Yuna’s attention and she turned to look at him. 

“Uh--howdy?”

She smiled at him. “Couldn’t sleep either?”

“Nah, not really. Can I join you?”

She patted the grass beside her, and he sat carefully, keeping a little distance between them. 

Several moments passed in silence as Yuna stared out at the sunset. “It’s so pretty.” 

“Yeah. Real peaceful.” 

“I’d love to live in a place like this…someday. Someplace where everything seems calm and beautiful.” 

“It’s much different from back home.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…my Zanarkand never sleeps…or slept. People coming and going all night long, businesses open all the time, lights replacing the moon and stars. It was a different kind of beauty.”

“I’d like to see it. At least once.” 

“Maybe you will. Who knows?”

“Yeah…who knows?”

They sat in silence, that was not unpleasant, for a few minutes, before Tidus began, awkwardly. “I’ve been thinking about your proposal. I don’t have an answer for you yet. And for that, I’m really sorry.” 

She shook her head. “Don’t be. I sprung it on you. Feel free to think things through.”

“Thank you. I was telling Lulu…back home, marriage wasn’t even in the realm of possibilities. It was all partying and Blitzball. Since coming here, I’ve had to reframe my mind.” 

She suddenly gasped. “I didn’t even think to ask you! You don’t have a girl waiting for you back in Zanarkand, do you?”

He groaned, but then laughed. “I mean, I guess I did. But I probably would have broken up with her when I got back anyway.” 

“I’m so sorry! Did you love her?”

He shook his head. “Janni was…a girl I was in school with. She asked me out. Or, she declared that we were now dating. This was before I went pro with Blitzball, when I was just playing with my school. I was shy and nervous, and when she asked me out, I was like, ‘yeah sure! I’ll date a pretty girl!’” He huffed. “She was a whirlwind of dysfunction. Not that I come from a wholesome family, but…she would always play these mind games with me. When I first went pro, she was excited for me, but then quickly turned around and said I wasn’t paying enough attention to her. Then when I would try to do nice things for her, she would claim I was being too clingy.” 

“She sounds fickle,” Yuna said, with her mouth scrunched up. 

“There was a phrase where I come from, that goes: ‘don’t stick your dick in crazy’.” 

Yuna blushed. “They speak about sex so openly in Zanarkand?” 

“Depending on the company you keep. Anyways, I never slept with her, even though I know she wanted to, just because I got this sinking feeling that something bad would happen if I did. So, she would often break up with me, and go see another man. Then when that didn’t work out, she came back and demanded that we were together again.” 

“And you just went with it?” 

“Yeah. It’s pretty dumb...we were both immature, and I made plenty of mistakes too, but I just felt like I had invested so much time with her already, that refusing her would have made all of that a waste.” 

Yuna sniffed slightly as her lip trembled. “That’s so awful.” 

“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have brought her up! I know you said you liked me...” 

She shook her head. “That’s not it. I’m heartbroken that someone would take advantage of you like that. That she just...assumed you’d be waiting for her, so she could fool around! That’s cruel!” 

He sighed. “I don’t know why, but hearing you say that makes me feel a lot better.” 

“Tidus, you deserve to be loved and cherished.” She said it so seriously, he felt it in his chest. It made it hard to swallow. 

“Thank you, Yuna. You do too, you know?” 

She just gave him a soft smile and returned her gaze to the rapidly disappearing sun.

[gayathreya]

leftist suriya characters appreciation post

since soorarai pottru, been thinking more about all the explicit leftist characters suriya has played in his career. and i actually mean explicit - characters that are supported by the narrative framing and structure and not just my own headcanons and stuff or a throwaway generic goody-shoe typical hero line. i have been itching to talk about this cos it’s obviously in my field of interests

suriya has played 4 openly various brands of leftist now, and that’s pretty cool! i love that none of them are cookie cutter personalities of each other, they all have their own select trait. this post is a toast to them;

michael vasanth (ayutha ezhuthu, 2004)

vimalan (maattraan, 2012)

iniyan (thaanaa serndha koottam, 2018)

maara (soorarai pottru, 2020)

[small write up on each character with pics behind the cut]

*****

1. michael vasanth (ayutha ezhuthu, 2004)

so michael was his first, said to be inspired by an actual university popular marxist student leader, george reddy. michael is very obviously somewhere along these lines - he himself is within the film known as the leftist student leader on campus with a huge following, much to the chagrin of his professors who want to stamp that out of him. he’s openly engaged in campus politics as well as politics outside, and he’s most definitely no weak willed liberal because he has no problems with violence or direct action, which he organises. he organises villagers to stand against others on their own feet, never once preaches about lying down and taking it easy or playing polite. which was nice to see lol i hate liberals who have morals about property damage but in ayutha ezhuthu, michael clearly doesn’t give a fuck. he and his group break things and smash cars and lorries on their way and threaten physical violence on their opponents too which is the way it should be because to him human lives are worth more than any property or vehicular damage. he never shies away from that. hell yes to violence and structural damage!

probably the most definite trait of michael compared to other suriya leftist characters is that michael still believes in the establishment and electoral politics, which u don’t particularly see his other leftist ones talk about. but here, michael works within the system, and trusts it to bring change if u put in the effort into that. though, it’s not as frustrating as it sounds cos michael’s work is not geared towards other liberals, but in villages and rural districts where he goes to spread word, and makes them choose their own leadership to represent. it’s way more marxist aligned and ~rise of the proletariat~ here instead cos he bypasses liberal bougie nonsense and never once is his voice used for that, but used towards and for the working class directly to both take up arms and resist violently themselves + hold ranks for themselves and choose their own leaders to influence their local politics/protect their environment.  

michael is fundamentally very marxist, with a dose of direct action plus violent resistance if need be, and supports organised proletariat uprising within an established political system playing towards electoral politics

(of course, a point to note in why this isn’t as frustrating as it sounds as mentioned above is cos this film was released in 2004. would michael still believe in the establishment and electoral politics now? things in 2020 are very different with all of us more aware of things around us and globally, it’s definitely a debate to be held. i doubt he will, since he’s not a pacifist or liberal. he’d say fuck electoral politics, all my homies hate electoral politics)

2. vimalan (maattraan, 2012)

second very openly communist character he played. prob gone a bit forgotten for others since he does die halfway through the film (which itself isn’t a favourite of anyone either, fans or neutrals) rip but can’t go by without mentioning cos i remember liking this character a lot and i teared up in the cinema first watch when he died. i was mad they killed the suriya i loved instead of the other one whom i found annoying lmao

vimal supports workers’ strikes and unions against bosses, even when that boss is their own shitty father. this automatically makes him stand out instantly considering he is sympathetic to the working class despite at the cost of his father’s annoyance with him. he’s also the first character suriya plays who’s explicitly anti-capitalist with line(s) about it, since michael had no canon lines regarding capitalism from what i recall. vimal outright does.

the leftist imagery tied to vimal the most is che, which is a nice touch. his room has at least one poster of him, and his phone’s wallpaper is also him. u can also see bhagat singh and ho chi minh books on his shelf. so.. safe to claim where vimal’s political ideologies are. it’s both tied in pictures and him siding with workers for their rights against corporations, since he obviously likes revolutionaries. vimalan was a class traitor and a supporter of the working class poor bb tragically gone too soon. ilu u didn’t deserve your terrible fate, sweet commie good boi :(

3. iniyan (thaanaa serndha koottam, 2018)

iniyannnnnn i love him and i think it’s a suriya char with one of the best character arcs in his whole career. mostly cos he had a very distinct ‘’yes i want to work for the government and change things from within’’ phase which gets squashed over the course of the film. we see him start off obviously in a very blatantly communist neighbourhood in a song that is also very specifically anti-establishment/politicians with a lot of hard resistance vibes. the entirety of sodakku is a very good introduction to him and what he stands for - in general the film promises upon wealth disparity, useless bougie politicians, and the rest of us being crushed under them.

what happens to him at the end of the movie is FANTASTIC because he no longer gels with what he wanted at the start of the movie. iniyan’s key leftist trait to me is that he’s the most anarchist of suriya characters, varying from other leftist suriya characters. he refuses to work with government powers and authorities, he looks down on their entire establishment and institutions (he does not at the start of the film, which is vital cos again, he wanted to work alongside them at first), and depends more on the good will of individual people over job titles, while clearly engaging in mutual aid and distributing wealth. these are very distinct anarchist ideals. i’d still peg him as anarcho-communist but would say he leans more towards anarchy and progressing on mutual aid over official state resources or state people for any kind of positive change since his faith in them has pretty much diminished by the climax. he does not give a shit about politicians, cops, or any kind of authorities at all, leaving them in the dust to raise his black flag and do his own anarchist hot shit.

iniyan is a good example of an anarchist arc for me in tamil cinema in simple commercial terms without heading too deep into actual words and phrases in a big hero movie, cos it’s also very easy to explain to anyone the shift in his ideas and his eroding faith in institutions with power. good for him!

4. maara (soorarai pottru, 2020)

this should be fresh in everyone’s memory, but yes, a character who is obviously in your face about it since he has an actual line - ‘’you’re a socialite, i’m a socialist’’ which caused all of us with good taste to whoop and cheer. plus he was very sexy in this whole scene, so what a bonus. it’s the most explicit thing said by him in the film, but there are also other little things peppered into his speech and background imagery showing u the kind of person maara is.

he gets married to bommi in a self-respect wedding ceremony. no priests or any kind of traditional hindu iyers/chants involved. u see it clearly with a periyar pic hanging behind him explaining who he is. he wears black a lot in the film, which fits him being a periyarist so i’d label him as such and consider it his standout trait from other leftist characters suriya has played previously because this is the only character with explicit periyar symbolism (i kid u not i saw multiple sanghis being very angry suriya dressed in black in this movie and were harassing him on twitter constantly since sp released. die mad, uglies). obviously, this also fuses well with the little things we see of him implying he’s ~lower caste~ like his in-laws being embarrassed about him on behalf of their own caste, and paresh sanitising his hands after shaking hands with maara on the plane, which is not subtle at all and trademark casteist behaviour about touching someone ‘’lesser’’ than you and u view them as ‘’dirty’’ or beneath you. as well as maara’s remark about breaking the class and caste barrier during his radio interview. being a periyarist fits seamlessly.

there’s also a bts vid of suriya on his bike where you can see an ambedkar pic pasted onto the side. i can’t remember any scene in the film where u can see his bike from this angle but it doesn’t matter, cos u can definitely tell the kind of person maara is and how he was envisioned as a character - an explicit socialist and periyarist, with a natural fondness for ambedkar too since ofc they overlap as many do irl as well. it is very in tune with his background in the film and i liked seeing the tiny aspects of these things seeded within the movie throughout from beginning to end. it’s explicit in a way that isn’t jarring or artificial, and a nice layer to him and feel endeared to since maara is a great character. u support him all the way with him being unquestionable in his stance and ideology. the sexiest leftist suriya character, if i say so myself, ahem.

/////

5. ngk (ngk, 2019)

bonus: THIS IS IT. THE BIGGEST SIKE. THE BIGGEST WHIPLASH. THE BIGGEST BASTARD.

it’s here cos damn, when they released that first look, i completely lost my shit cos that poster was sooo heavily che inspired and very, very obviously marxist. cue me thinking that holy shit suriya is openly playing some kind of marxist guerilla revolutionary in ngk and he’s gonna be some brand of violent radical leftist i’m gonna fall in love with. the beret, the raised fists, the red.. i was ready to be head over heels for this guy.

except of course, none of this was true, cos once the film released, u know that poster was only meant to signify how his village looked up to him before he sold them all out. it’s literally just a mural on the wall where a kid stares up at him in a larger extended poster. he COULD have been that character, but ngk’s character arc was a negative character arc and his moral downfall from the start to the end of the film, sacrificing all he stood for to arrive at his end point which was just dragging his village and all the youngsters who believed in him to the pits before jumping party to the winning group and abandoning all of them after manipulating them to act in his favour to gain sympathy. not to mention, also selling out to corporate tools to harness their power and influence in order to rise to the top himself, something he very openly states at the beginning of the film to his mum and wife that working like that is no way to live. he has a full reverse by this point, compared to how ngk was introduced to us as an audience with that first look of him.

the marxist poster was a complete 180 to how ngk falls on the spectrum at the end, but it was a great ride nevertheless and at least one thing was still true - i still fell in love with him cos he was such an asshole bastard but still so hot i had to give in. biiiicchh. i love u, non-leftist regressive jerk. u may have pulled the biggest sike on me, but.. my heart is yours, slut <3

*****

ok that’s really it and all i wanted to say so hopefully at least a few people read this lmafooo. i do think these characters and time have sort of seeped into suriya over the years as evident by his shifting left in the last couple of years, and openly also saying he has had a lot of perspective changes on things around him. he has been noted in recent interviews saying stuff like how he’s in favour of a cashless society, talking about a whole new level of poverty class being created during this pandemic. his written articles/statements/agaram related speeches takes jibes at india’s education system being brahministic/casteist in nature and how it creates barriers for the lowest strata of society while also being very sensitive about student suicides, showing understanding of it as a systematic failure and not an individual one, courts not functioning for justice, not demonising protests as it’s the only act left for the voiceless, etc. it’s nice. i wouldn’t go as far as to call him a leftist until he proves that to me (suriya is still very much in that liberal zone of appreciating the police and military institutions so i will never consider him one of us until he sheds these allegiances and rethinks his stance on them in society), but i’d say he’s definitely the furthest left of all prominent actors in tamil cinema as no one else really has said or written the things that he has, for which i’m very proud of him.

so keep up the good work and hot shit comments and ballsy articles, suriya, i look forward to u shifting further left and pissing off everyone from right wing patriotic assholes, to centrist bootlickers, and even cowardly liberal pacifists. i believe in u and i hope he crosses that steep liberal curve soon since we were all there at some point as well.

that’s all goodbye i love suriya thanks for reading