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kidchameleon92 · 5 years

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“life story” 1

i’m not going to edit this at all going along. typos, bad grammar, mistakes. doesn’t matter. this is spontaneous thought.

disclaimer: i changed the word to “spontaneous” from “spurious” which means something completely different, so the first paragraph is already a lie.

anyway, it’s been a really weird and sort of bad couple months for me. mostly in my state of mind. i feel very stuck and very immobile when it comes to my art and career. and that is having a very negative effect on my brain. even though i’m putting out my favorite songs i’ve ever written. i’ve been meaning to write for awhile. i used to post when i lived in los angeles several years ago, just journaling my day to day life. but i haven’t for awhile. i guess i also used to write in a notebook while on different tours. but i think i’ve since thrown that away or hidden it somewhere.

point is: i just want to write to get things off my mind. and hopefully, maybe, it’ll help you (if you care to) get to know me a little more and on a more personal level. even if we haven’t met. and maybe it’ll make what i make (if you care about it) mean more to you. either way, mostly, i just want to rant a bit. so, this is my life’s story. i guess.

chapter 1: kid

i was born in a suburb of the twin cities in minnesota. my parents both grew up in minnesota and lived there their whole lives (until my mom recently moved to tennessee). my mom was a mortician, and my dad was an accountant. also an alcoholic. he cheated on her and left her and i when i was one year old. i remember growing up going to stay with him on weekends, except it was with him and his girlfriend at the time. except he was drunk a lot. and would drive drunk with me (a baby) in the car. so, that’s cool. anyway, my mom was really depressed, and that was not a good time (or so i’ve heard, because i was a baby, so idk).

i stayed with my grandparents a lot, because my mom worked full time. my maternal grandparents lived on a ton of land. my grandpa and i would ride motorcycles and four wheelers and sleep in a treehouse and all that. my other grandparents lived in the same town but in a small house. i used to go up to their cabin during the summer and go fishing and swimming and boating and all that. different g-parent vibes, but loved both a lot.

anyway, when i was three, my mom married my step-dad. he is from india and has had a lot of unique and challenging experiences, so that certainly brought a lot of particular lessons and outlooks into my life. i went there once when i was about 14. it was wild. but so, yeah. that kinda solidified my family unit. my dad got remarried later on as well. but the older i got, i saw him less and less.

so ... i loved video games. i played them all the time. a big part of my childhood. mostly nintendo. explains a lot. as a kid in school (4 years public, 3 years private, 1 year home, 3 years private, 1 year PSEO [look it up]), i was never popular whatsoever. i always wanted to gain some sort of acclaim or attention from my classmates, but was pretty much always looked down on for one reason or another. i remember in elementary school, i was the kid who was literally terrified of storms. probably because i had been in a tornado when i was six. but the moment it would thunder, all the kids would look at me to see if i was gonna cry. usually, i did. and the school nurse would take me outside and we’d walk around as a sort of therapy. i guess it helped sorta. i still get nervous in storms. but i don’t cry.

i also remember a time specifically that i got made fun of for wearing a denver broncos t-shirt. this kid just railed on me because it wasn’t a minnesota vikings shirt. so, one: i don’t even give a fuck about sports. but two: it stuck with me for some reason that someone would be a massive jerk over a t-shirt of a sports team. i guess that’s just because we as humans are messed up things.

anyway, in middle school, i started becoming semi-interested in music. i listened to the radio every night, listening to the top 10 countdown of big songs from that week. kanye, weezer, the click five, black eyes peas, green day. those were some anyway. besides that, i was just listening to like kelly clarkson and relient k or something. my mom had a steven curtis chapman cd in her van i thought went hard. but i started getting into popular music around then. i also started to write my own music. i used to take piano lessons from when i was like six or seven until i was 14 or so. but after i started writing my own songs, i hated practicing assigned pieces. i didn’t care. i wanted to play my own. so, the teacher said if i quit, i couldn’t be her student again. so i did. that’s fine. she said i was her most talented student. but i didn’t work that hard. so, that goes to show that natural talent and hard work have different roles, i suppose.

chapter 2: girls and high school and such

in high school, i started LiKiNg gIrLs and stuff. i also was still not very popular. i also had started a band (with jack). i wasn’t very good, but i was just as obsessed with it as i am now. anyway, i liked this one girl from my church, and we talked all the time. but because we grew up in a pretty fundamental church culture, we weren’t allowed to date. which honestly, i fine, because looking back, no one knows what they are doing at 16 really. i definitely didn’t. i still don’t know what i’m doing. anyway ...

so, this girl and i half-dated for a couple years, and i was really clingy and annoying. but that’s just how i be. and i thought i was gonna marry her and stuff, because in a fundamental church context, you over spiritualize everything.

[[disclaimer: i am a christian, and i still go to church, but my theology and ideology on a lot of things has just evolved and changed a lot since i was young and since leaving the ultra-americanized/ultra-fundamental “christian” realm. main point being: we all are effed up bro and need saving. i’m an idiot always!]]

but now we’re back. girl “dumped” me and started dating another guy named “patrick” right after, even though she technically wasn’t allowed to date until she was 18. but apparently, she just wasn’t allowed to date me. so, that was cool. anyway, i was angsty, but then i got over it. because i was 17, so life big time goes on.

then i met another girl from canada while i was finishing school and going hard at my band stuff. we hit it off, and i started visiting her up there. and she visited me and all that. it was cool. and then all of a sudden, she really started hating me. and to be fair, i was weird and clingy and sort of a lot to deal with. but we kept dating. all the while, i was sort of leaving behind music to try to get into nursing school. yep, nursing school. but i got rejected, which is great. and so, i decided to go to audio engineering school in canada. and she was gonna go to college in the same city. this is great! so i thought. she dumped me (well, i sort of broke up with myself for her) about a month after we were living in the same city. wack. but it made me buckle down and work my ass off in school. i was top of my class one semester. yeah, i’m not that dumb. sometimes.

towards the spring of the next year, i happened to meet a girl who was at my church with one of my friends. she seemed chill. just talked a little. nothing crazy. happened to hit her up on twitter just to say hi. no intention. we talked a bit. nothing after that. then all of a sudden, a couple months later, i was tweeting about reading harry potter for the first time (note: fundamental upbringing). she happened to tweet me back about it. and long story short, we went out on a date. a sort-of-date. and what was supposed to be a lunch turned into an all day and half the night date. anyway, we got married a year later. after a lot of immigration paperwork and expenses. that’s a whole other post. that sucked. it’s a lot. and it’s why i feel bad for people who have nothing who are trying to come here to flee danger in their own countries. again, another post.

chapter 3: married, and other hard things

so, i forgot to say that before we got married, i lived in los angeles for a year after school. i was doing more sound for film work. on set stuff, post-production. got to do work with like ... james franco, matt damon, emma roberts, william shatner. some cool stuff. but jack’s old band came through on tour, and i saw two shows. and i was like ... bruh. i gotta do music, what am i doing? so, i literally moved back to minnesota within like two weeks, worked as a nursing assistant for a little bit and got married. then moved to nashville like two weeks later. i guess i could’ve stayed in los angeles. but nashville felt like the move at the time. everything happens with a purpose.

so, we moved here, and she couldn’t work for three months because of immigration stuff. so, i was like, well, guess i need a job. so, i got a job managing a home for a couple people with intellectual disabilities. it was super hard. mostly because the company was really, really bad. so, i got another job working as a staffing coordinator in an office for a home health care agency. that was a little better. still tough. but less overwhelming. a couple months after i got that job, i got an offer to go on a country tour playing bass for someone. and i was like ... well, this is why i moved here. so, i quit and went on tour. and shawna actually took my old job. interesting.

i was gone for three weeks, and it sucked and the pay was bad, but at least i was doing what i wanted. but then i got an offer from my friend to do some tech work on a much bigger country gig. i hadn’t done it before, but it was better pay and a better position. and on a bus and nice things and all that. so, i went for it. i pissed the other girl i was playing for off. but that’s show biz, baby. but like, i found a replacement for myself and paid to fly him out to her shows and stuff. so, really she won.

anyway, i toured with this other artist for four years. and i learned a lot. it was very, very challenging, both mentally and physically. and some people are just hard to work with. but i still gained so much valuable experience and insight into touring from that. i also started playing guitar for another artist who was small at the time, but has now had a couple number one hits. but his label fired me because i didn’t look country enough. we’re still homies though, so it’s literally fine. because i do indeed not look country enough.

at the same time, i was doing my own solo music and also producing and writing with and for other people. i’ve had the opportunity to write and produce for everything from independent artists to major label to billboard charting albums to whatever. songs on major television networks. i’m still very un-rich though, if that tells you anything.

but really, i just wanted to do my own music. and i literally couldn’t get it to go anywhere. i had no idea what the “secret” was. what was i missing? money? connection? power? actually probably all of that, to be honest. this industry is wacko. i was pretty close to giving up.

chapter 4: milkk

i read a satirical article on vice.com about “how to start a trendy band” or something. i thought it was funny. so, i called jack. he had just been kicked out of his old band for no reason. i was like, “bruh, let’s do this article.” and he was like, ok. so, we sort of did. and i’m not gonna go into all the early details, because i’ve done a million press interviews about how our band started. and i don’t wanna say it again. google it.

this was the first time that i actually saw people care about my music. it was a high. it was like a dream. and we hadn’t even had any big song or anything. just the fact that people were listening and engaging was mind blowing to me. but just like with anything, the more things went, the less i found satisfying. the more “likes” or “follows” on socials didn’t feel like enough anymore. the streams didn’t seem good enough. the chart positions on the debut album didn’t seem that great. the hype wore off a little after the debut album hype. and that made me insane. probably because we as humans are not built to be satisfied by the things in our life. “Vanity of vanities!” it’s in ecclesiastes. like the bible one.

chapter 5: now

anyway, that’s bad. i had (and have) let my mind convince me that i have to achieve something in order to be happy or fulfilled, when i know that that stuff will never fulfill me. i could play the biggest stadium and have the biggest song in history, but after a burst of dopamine and excitement, it would be empty. and i know that nothing here will do that. at least, that’s what i believe. my hope is outside of myself.

but that’s hard to internalize when you are so passionate about something, and have been for so long, and all you want to do is create things for other people that they can appreciate and be influenced by. but it’s probably also selfish. like i openly admit i like the idea of fame and presence. and it probably ties all the way back to wanting acknowledgement and attention as a kid, from being unpopular and ridiculed and, honestly, left by my dad. maybe i just therapied myself.

but regardless, i know i can’t put my identity in all this stuff. it’s hard, and it’s harder when you create stuff. because it’s so deeply tied to you. but it’s still not “who i am.” i know who i am and what i believe, but i’m still a mess, so i can’t enact that in my brain perfectly. in fact, far from it.

anyway. it’s late, and i’m going to post this and attempt to not worry about how it does on social media. stupid!!! i just want this out in the world for you to read. hopefully it’s helpful for you in some way. but mostly, it was just cool to write this out, for my own sake.

i’ve been blessed in some amazing ways. my family. oh, yeah i forgot that i have two kids. i love them a lot. i don’t talk about them on social media much. but they are very special to me. and we’ve always been taken care of, even when times were tight or i didn’t know when the next paycheck was coming in or i thought my wife was about to die or whatever. the Lord provided for us every time. and i am grateful to have what career i have. it may be “small” and nothing to look at by the big industry standards, but i believe in what i make so much, and i’m just grateful that anyone cares about it at all. and i will continue to do so until the day i die. because i have to.

it’s what i was born to do, for better or worse. and no one can tell me otherwise.

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mikazukikannagisjourney · 4 years

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Full moon in Gemini 12-12-2019, Also a 3/3 or 12/12 Portal

Subtitle: I'm literally swimming in emotions right now also I'm bleeding as scheduled how can I even laugh at a time like this oh well the perks of being a psycho Gemini lolol

Hey guys this will be a short post because full moon in Gemini will be in about 3 hours or so, check your region and timezone ok? As of now the full moon in Gemini asks us to be a lot more honest and open about ourselves, on taking a look at ourselves and what we truly want, at the soul level. You know, those kinds of stuff that we tend to shove down the drain or sweep under the rug because we had no idea how to deal with them. Since full moons are also a time for release, it's also a great time to release old habits, karmic entanglements, toxic relationships, etc. and purge as much as possible, especially things in line with our communication styles, or how we do about our businesses and networkings (Gemini rules communications, business dealings, and other Hermes stuff lol) which are not in alignment with our soul purpose aka everything that sucks the life out of us. 2020 is gonna be even more intense so it's best to simplify by choosing the most efficient path we can have. Remember that working smart is never equal to working hard, unless what you're working hard for is something you're deeply passionate about. Then go for it, I support you! 😉

The next few parts are a bit of my personal ranting so you can end reading everything here. 😁

I plan to do that path with best efficiency with greater intent since apparently, I am (un)fortunately kissed by Saturn's harsh life lessons (based on numerology of my name, I forgot how it works but you can find how to do it for your own name if you use a search engine). So... to keep that short, one of my life lessons is to plow through life mastering everything at a slow, steady pace, no short-cuts, eventually finding fame and fortune and the respect of many at an old age.

But that's just the point. I don't want that crap. I mean, yeah I do know how it feels to learn things at a slow pace, I mean, I'm an effing slow-learner for pete's sake, it takes a long time for me to learn what others would simply learn in just one sitting, one lesson, one hour, one day. I have to learn shit a bit more than 21 days of continuous activity just to even master the basics. It's hard to drill things into my head, though a bit easier through my body. But still takes time though. Not exactly fun when it's in 3d. And seriously, this whole Saturn thing has been putting me on the edge of my rope and sanity. My breaking point is about 3 cm away. Maybe less.

Call me impatient but right now I have nothing and feel nothing, my energy's pretty much nada. I feel a deep disconnection and a strong sense of loneliness. I don't want to feel bitter when I get even older, just because I spent so many years on experiencing hardships. Even right now, I am in a state of limbo, and frankly it takes a lot from me. It drains what little happiness I have. I mean, right now I am at my lowest, and I feel that no matter how much I do stuff, even the stuff I just love doing, in the end I feel so bitter because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's very, very painful. Everything starts making absolutely no sense. Again.

Of course, I'm not entirely sure if because it's the full moon, or I'm on my period, or because my gene key shadow (Gene Key 20 lol) has been acting up, or because I have been purging karma and these are just crap I need to release, honestly I have no idea at this point. I wanna have a pity party for myself and the demons shadows that live in my head but also I don't want to because why waste a ton of time feeling sucky when I could just have a good cry, calm down, then go binge-watching anime or something.

Oh, screw it, I'l do some KY and if I still wanna have a pity party then a pity party I shall have. I mean, I do advocate embracing out shadow selves so this might be it I dunno. I might make an update once I've dealt with this matter at hand.

Oh, wait, scratch that, they actually loved it that I even posted about them here. They're slowly dispersing now. Holy crap was that fast. 😮 well, like I said, embracing our shadow parts is an important part of our life journey, and I just felt that again. I'm 50% ok now.

At least I feel a bit energized to do some KY so I hope I feel better by tomorrow.

If you've read everything up until this point, thank you for staying with me.

Love and hugs to you, and may you find the healing you seek.

三日月 🌙

Mikazuki

#12/12/2019 #full moon in gemini 2019 #full moon in gemini december 12 2019 #another 3/3/3 gateway #full moon in gemini 12/12 #12/12 #also if you're a gemini i hope you're doing well right now #3/3 portal #12/12 portal

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steve0discusses · 6 years

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Yugioh S2 Ep 26-27: Marik Also Tries Mind-Crushing, Except Literal and With A Very Large Storage Unit

Ah, Yugioh, where two children are possessed by ghosts and two other children are possessed by just some guy named Marik.

He’s still pretty sure he has a plan. To be honest, at this point it just seems like he’s desperate, but I have to hand it to Marik, that he’s doing more than just relying on a spooky golden maraca thing he keeps in the side pocket of his cargo pants. Something that a lot of shows do really wrong with villains (pointing fingers directly at My Hero Academia while I’m typing this) is that they rely too much on their fancy looking superpowers to show they’re a bad guy. It’s fine to have super powers but you gotta back it up with making sure you’re throwing your heroes into a psychological nightmare--at least once.

At least once, MHA, it is Season 3. Please. You have such a huge budget and the best animators in the world. Please. I beg of you.

Yugioh, on the other hand is like...when WON’T we be in a psychological nightmare?

And so Marik has decided, after the bandsaw murder clown incident, the blown up skyscraper 100 story fall to your death incident, and the spooky mime incident, that he was ready to just really go to town on effed up villain stuff today. It’s time to pull all the stops. He’s got Yugi’s BFF’s all ready to turn on Yugi, he’s got an abandoned shipyard...for some reason...

All in all, as much as I rat on Marik, I very much appreciate that he didn’t monologue in some Mahjong bar for twelve episodes about all the reasons he wants to do evil stuff, he just goes out and does it. Let me rephrase, he just goes out and makes other people do it, but at least someone is doing something in every episode. Can’t say that about all the TV I watch.

You do have to hand it to him he never does the same plan twice.

(read more after the cut)

So, spotting Joey from afar, Kaiba lands his helicopter dangerously close to him, and just walks out unarmed, his smallest brother standing next to him. Mokuba is still taking everything in from last episode apparently and he’s just really confused most of the time as Joey starts going off about himself in the third person to Yugi.

And Seto decides to just watch? He doesn’t call for help, he doesn’t use his crazy amount of leverage, and he doesn’t do the smart thing which would be to run the hell away, he just kinda soaks this all in and has decided that he lives here now.

So, Marik, who can do a lot of the dark magic stuff Pegasus and Bakura have showed us, decides to instead go old school and forgo magic for most of this fight (other than some possession of course.)

Like I said before, if you’re gonna write a villain, they gotta get in your hero’s head a bit. It’s villain 101. Should it ever go as far as a Yugioh villain on kid’s TV? I mean proooobably not necessary? But something this episode does is show that a villain does not need superpowers. All they need, is to test your hero’s greatest insecurities to the breaking point, which is something Marik does really well, and surprisingly a lot of shows I don’t need to mention, because I already have, don’t do. They kinda rely on “well he’s got evil powers, so he’s evil and they punch a lot” while not understanding that it was never the powers that gives a show that tension that villains bring.

Like, Yugioh does a lot of things wrong, but surprisingly, they know how to write a clearly evil villain who’s just overheard that Yugi’s big thing is this bond of friendship--which is really childish--but he goes with it anyway. So he makes this bizarre Joker-like card game scenario that is based on breaking those friendship connections. But leave it to Yugioh to have something really pure in theory but in practice turn into this screwball nightmare. Yugioh is kind of like a really simple chocolate cake but there’s a tire on it and it’s on fire.

I will say, it is odd that Seto got dragged here into the friendship battle, as he is the worst friend. So now he also gets to go through friend torture with some school mates he occasionally has class with. TBH, I don’t think Seto has even realized yet that he has also been 100% abducted since the moment he walked off that helicopter. Seto lives in a nice denial place.

So lets go over Marik’s Big Plan #7.

First, off you gotta put on these shackles, seen here:

I feel like Shackles are this seasons Maze Labyrinth. I mean I guess Yugi’s shackled to his destiny? Or at least the destiny of the ghost he’s attached to? Anyway, so many shackles this season.

And then these shackles and chains are connected to Joey as well as this anchor we see here:

What nice symbolism to illustrate that Yugi’s friendship will drag everyone he knows along with him--as it has for the past 2 seasons. Not really a big spoiler for everyone involved in this battle.

And then this was a thing Marik added just for kicks, which can be symbolic, too, but I don’t feel like diving into it:

I actually never thought these two would actually cancel a game. Mokuba decided against blowing his whistle at it though, he decided it was probably too late for that. Aaaaaand it was:

Yo, how do you sneak up on people with a 70 ft crane?

Honestly I was surprised that Seto cared enough about Tea to not move, but I guess he couldn’t kill Tea in front of Mokuba. And I dunno, Seto and Tea never really talk to eachother, so I guess I’ve never noticed that he thinks she’s decent enough to continue existing. He might like her better than anyone else on this show other than Mokuba. And I’m not saying that to ship them, although I’m sure it’s a fine ship sailing around out there, I’m just saying that it is notable when Kaiba accepts that someone else besides a Kaiba deserves to live.

And then one last touch:

I guess no one told Marik that Tea and Yugi aren’t actually dating? I mean how much would it suck to go on one date with a guy and then all of a sudden you’re dealing with all of his villains?

Accurate, actually, that is exactly how dating works. You go one date and then you casually run into him in an elevator and then all of a sudden he’s like “So my ex fiance took me to court over the engagement ring and it’s so unfair that I can’t get that money back when she’s gonna marry this other guy she’s only known for a month anyway.” and it’s like “You were engaged?”

But, for his credit, 2 weeks later I needed a date, called him up, and he was like “Sorry, I’m in the hospital because I got an ulcer removed because apparently there’s too much stress in my life pulling these allnighters for my classes, and my car died and it’s gonna cost 2k to fix it, and then my ex fiance visited me in the hospital which was hella weird because my Dad is here. Anyway I got a tube down my pee hole and it was the worst pain I’ve felt in my life including the ulcer they removed from my gut. But I dunno. When’s the date?” and I just assumed he was pranking me but turns out, the next day, my teacher confirmed the kid was in the hospital and as high as balls.

Anyway, Pharaoh isn’t the worst person in the world to date, I guess.

It’s nice that Yugi was able to find all of his accessories in blue leather and silver rivets.

The duel begins, everyone cries, except for Tea who’s just screaming from the sidelines that Joey needs to remember how much he loves Yugi. She reminds him to think of the experiences they’ve shared and it was like oh boy maybe skip the part where you bullied Yugi to to hell and then he got cursed with a ghost that lives in his body.

TBH, I feel like it would be bad to introduce Serenity to the fray? Like if I were Marik I’d be like “woah get Joey’s sister out of here, that’s gonna snap him out of it.” but it’s not like Marik gets the whole family love thing anyway, living with Ishizu.

In case you were wondering, yes Mokuba actually tried to explain to Tea what was going on, so the show went over what the hell was going on I want to say like 3 times. Which is something you kinda have to do when you’ve turned your card game into Mousetrap.

And so this is where the episode ended, and I was capping along and felt like this could be a two parter post for this weekend, so why not? Lets continue.

Ah, and it starts out with Marik on a boat.

That boat gets mysteriously bigger and bigger every time it shows up. How many Rare Hunters are there? Like 10? And do they have to rent an apartment on this boat, like how does this all work? And if they do rent an apartment on the boat, who’s cooking? Like Marik, obviously is not a cook since he’s a living disaster, but I want to know more about boat life. Did Bandit Keith ever make them a crunchwrap supreme? Is one of the Rare Hunters always playing Wonderwall? Do they tan on the bow? Why would this boat ever need to be this big?

And I know this isn’t any of the Yugioh spinoff shows, but if I were to write one it would absolutely be Marik’s Boat Life. That would be the name.

Anyway, Yugi decides to fly over Pharaoh’s shoulder like a little angel. It’s been kind of a while.

So like it’s foreshadowed pretty strongly that Yugi’s decided “why even bother, Pharaoh, we don’t need your card talent today. At least my life will end as I lived, short and very awkward”

On the other side of town, Tristan has to go up a group of these Rare Hunters, and from everything we know about Tristan, this shouldn’t be so difficult? Like he punched out Bakura and threw Double Spike Mullet over his shoulder at one point, but unfortunately, punches don’t seem to work. But do you know what does?

I completely forgot Duke Devlin was a character in this show. Surprised he’s not in this competition, but apparently his game he’s making alongside Pegasus is really panning out--which is kind of effed up because Pegasus is a murderer. But youknow...I guess that everyone in the show decided to overlook that?

Whatever, I spent an entire episode trying to understand that, lets get back to the friendship plot line. Yugi decided to play a card that lets Joey take a card from Yugi’s hand, which gives him an opportunity to show Joey’s dragon. But will Joey overcome Marik and take this very good card to use on Yugi? (bro just corrected me and told me this card is actually not good but wtv)

He takes a different card. Friendship triumphs over...this card that I should know more about but I don’t watch the card games so I’m just gonna wing it here.

And then Yugi plays it anyway, and the music swells and it’s meaningful again.

Because the Red Eyes is connected with his heart now. Not sure when that happened exactly but it apparently happened at some point.

Seriously, when did this happen? I ask a lot of questions rhetorically but feel free to answer that one. Did I miss something? S1 this card was just kinda there.

Pharaoh, sensing that Yugi has very well lost his mind and will be absolutely hit by a fireball, decides to take over. Remember that the last time Yugi got hit with a fireball, he passed out pretty much before it hit him. And then he died. Yugi died last time a fireball hit him (I’m pretty sure that was a fireball in the Pegasus fight? It feels like years ago). Mind, that was a shadow duel, but apparently that doesn't matter this season because all the cards are real and no one cares that this is a very big problem.

Pharaohs legs are either three times the size of his torso OR they’re wearing extremely high waisted pants. Both scenarios are good.

And he gets hit in the face with a fireball.

And doesn’t pass out. Good for him. He is about 15% alive though, Yugi is basically going to die if he gets hit with another fireball. Like his lifepoints still say 1000 but it takes him like ten minutes to walk all the way around this pier and give Joey this:

Luckily, Marik as Joey plays cards so slowly, that the ten minute walk was still shorter than a single turn in Yugioh.

Also this is a thing? Just anyone can put that on?

so this whole time anyone could have been wearing the ring to Mordor? Just anyone? OK then.

Anyway, next week, on Yugioh:

Does Marik have any lag on that superpower of his, because I feel like it would make this show make some more sense on his part? Did the mime just walk home? If they all did die this way--not saying the will or won’t because they’ve died so many times now, but if they DID--weirdest way to die, amiright?

And if you’ve stumbled onto this blog which is halfway through S2, let me direct you to this handy link, which gives you all the recaps in chronological order from S1

#Yugioh #yugioh recap #photo recap #ep 26 #ep27 #Yugi Muto #Joey Wheeler #Marik Ishtar #Tea Gardner #Seto Kaiba #Kaiba #Mokuba #Duke Devlin #Tristan Taylor #Serenity Wheeler #Boy there's a lot of characters in this show now and so many are like...possessed

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kjblynx · 6 years

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Emergency Funds

Some of you know my predicament through my RP blog (which I really shouldn’t have posted anything to but I was feeling stressed and needed to vent somewhere public at the moment and didn’t realize my phone was logged into that account) but I thought I’d post this here in more detail. I was an idiot with my budget last month because I was too excited for a convention and forgot I am the money maker in this house.

I’ve put it below the cut because I know people don’t really want to read all this personal shite. My wording in everything below is very informational and formal, following my reasoning patterns rather than telling a story.

My credit union checking account is currently -$388. $358 of that is from a $670 check I wrote for rent. The remaining $30 is a fee from the credit union so the check doesn’t bounce even when I don’t have the full amount in my account.

I’ve applied for a $500 personal loan from my credit union in hopes to cover the rest of this month, but I’ve not received word back yet and I know I’ll owe that plus interest starting in August.

This week I owe: • $80 to a Best Buy credit card used to purchase a few computer components to keep my partner’s programming computer alive. • $22 for my renter’s insurance because it’s a requirement to live in the apartments I live in. • $80 to a different credit card we reserved for gas but had to use to pay rent around November of last year. • $70 to ATT because our internet is effing expensive and still gets bogged down for not apparent reason in the middle of the night when it’s only me playing WoW and my partner playing Beat Saber. All of the above can not be delayed or moved. They just won’t do it. All other payments I was able to adjust for mid-month to give me a couple weeks to get the electricity ($100 because June-July heat is killer and our stove is older than me) and car insurance ($66 but maybe I can cancel it because the car isn’t going to get repaired any time soon) earned through tips and bath bomb sales.

Including food, entertainment, and personal care (Groceries, Netflix, WoW, Dollar Shave) my average monthly expenses is $1200. I’m hoping I can limit my use of the air conditioner and stove this month to bring the electricity bill down for next month; I’ve canceled my WoW sub for the time being and lowered the quality of our Netflix sub. We’re looking at severely limiting our meals to serving sizes and not purchasing any unhealthy snacks or drinks.

My tips in June and July are much lower than the rest of the year. I make an average of $700 in tips per summer month and supplement the difference with selling homemade goods and recording voice overs. Due to limited transportation and needing open availability for my job, getting a second regular job is out of the question. During the winter months I work 40+ hours a week and earn upwards of $2000 in tips alone per month.

My partner programs and makes music 50 hours a week from home and donates plasma twice a week and uses their income to pay the Best Buy and Gas credit card when able, but the amount they make is extremely limited and with their computer acting up they have needed to use some of those funds to purchase parts outside of the Best Buy card.

paypal.me/kjblynx

My grandmother (retired and barely able to cover her medication) suggested I have a paypal me link available for those whom want to help out, so I’ve made one. My whole family has struggled with money for a long time and I’ve always prided myself on not needing help, but my Gma K tells me I need to suck up my pride and deal with the present. I don’t expect anyone to just donate to me without some sort of clause or strings attached, and I feel odd even asking for help.

I’ll gladly make Glitter Dicks($10each, $15 for custom), Bath Balls($6 each), Foot Fizz(2/$5), and Shower Scents(5/$5) for anyone who wants to help our situation. ($7.50 standard shipping, US only)

I’m ready to earn the aid people are willing to give. Give me a task, a request, a goal, or a suggestion and I’ll do my best to fulfill it.

In the end, I really am on the verge of cracking. I’m the strong and sophisticated person of my family and friend groups, the ENTJ, full of rational and logic based evaluation, but I’m pulling my hair out and struggling to keep tears in during this.

Thank you for reading this god awful post of me being stressed.

#stress #money issues #struggling #about to break #entj #money

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masterofmusic · 7 years

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My Issues With OUAT

Alright guys, you know I have issues with A&E’s mess of a show. I love it, but I am disappointed at how they decided to write it. It’s full of dropped storylines, plotholes, underdeveloped characters, OOC characters, overused plot devices, you name it. So I decided to list all my issues with the show, and maybe I’ll give my solutions in a different post. Here we go (I’ll edit this if I miss any)

Season 1:

Curse broke too quickly. And I think that’s where the trouble started- once they reached this point, they had no idea where to go with it. Knowing that the Black Fairy is the supreme evil, I’d introduce her here in some capacity, so we can develop and build up to the final battle properly- especially as she is vital to the Dark Curse mythos. Put backstory of Blue and Fiona here as well- we get more info on fairy culture and start the “shady blue fairy” thing.

Realms fully explored here: Enchanted Forest, Wonderland, Fairy Realm, Atlantica (mermaids)

Villains- Regina, Rumple, Black Fairy, Blue Fairy, Cora

Season 2:

They killed Cora off too soon. That’s my main gripe here, there’s so much more they could have done with Cora- have her linger in SB longer so there would be more Regina and Cora development (hell, Snow included). We could have incorporated OUATIW here, when Regina questions what she’s been up to in Wonderland. We get more detail of Cora’s ruling years as the Queen of Hearts (including Alice meeting Cora). Cora lives on as a villain- mother/daughter time. Regina discovers the Cora/Rumple affair, so that can be explored as well.

Emma and Snow going to the EF: more could be done here, including a full background of Mulan and Aurora (Maleficent too, including Lily’s father). Cora again, chance to develop her character.

Blue gets more screentime- more buildup of Fiona

Along with Frankenstein, Dracula comes into play as well.

Also the finale- there should be consequences of Regina’s electroshock torture. No mention of nerve damage? Really?

Realms explored: Storybrooke, Enchanted Forest, Wonderland, Atlantica, Fairy Realm

Villains- Same as season 1, plus Maleficent

Season 3:

Zelena. Oh man Zelena. We get the wicked witch, but such a dumb backstory. We’re gonna fix this- develop her character more, give her way more screentime. Introduction of the Zades relationship. Cora again with Zelena- but different father. For Zelena to be so powerful, she could have a father like Merlin. This could tie in Camelot.

Neverland arc- Yeah um let’s make Neverland look more like Neverland, yeah? Plotwise, Robbie is excellent, but I feel we need something extra going on here. Not sure what- maybe Tink and the mermaids get more focus?

Oz arc- More development of Oz culture. Why is magic so taboo here as opposed to the EF?

Regina Vs. Zelena- an actual witch fight. One that takes more than 5 seconds.

Robin Hood- Backstory. Outlaw Queen. Like, Sherwood Forest, Nottingham, etc. Also soulmate thing- maybe Robin and Regina have met in the past and Rumple made them forget?

Oh yeah. Regina puts herself under the sleeping curse this time, and Robin has to wake her. This is how the soulmate thing ties in.

Time travel plot- same, except Marian is not brought back.

More development of the Missing Year- Outlaw Queen galore.

Realms explored: Neverland, Enchanted Forest, Oz, Underworld (Zades), Camelot (Zelena’s origins as the daughter of Merlin)

Villains: Regina, Zelena, Cora, Rumple, Black Fairy, Hades

Season 4:

Dark One mythos origin here due to Rumple’s plot. Everything stays the same, but we go into the origins more. Nimue/Merlin, and all the other dark ones get a small backstory so we know the full history of all their shenanigans, and how absorbing the powers of all the previous dark ones affects Rumple. With Merlin, he creates Excalibur and defeats Nimue and all that, but here we see him in his mansion mourning the loss of Zelena- the daughter stolen from him. His mission is to find her- we understand more about Zelena’s unique powers. Her breaking the laws of time travel magic is a big deal.

The author mythos is explained better here as well. Henry gets more to do, is actually important as the author.

Frozen arc- Not much changes, but Ingrid doesn’t die. Instead, she’s Cora’s third daughter- conceived after Regina due to a safety measure. Cora was unsure if Regina would take the throne, so she went after Arendelle’s royal line. The ice magic comes from a blend of Cora’s magical genetic line and the King of Arendelle’s nordic genes. Ingrid meets Regina and Zelena, they bond. Ingrid becomes Queen of Arendelle after her release from the urn.

Fiona and Blue continuation of story as a subplot, more buildup to final battle

Maleficent arc- Focus on Lily/Lily’s father. Interaction with Regina in the past/present, her own storyline with Aurora. Ursula and Cruella stay the same.

ZLENA WAS NEVER MARIAN. No baby drama, no love triangle mess. Good lord.

Cora is still around being Cora.

Heroes and Villains AU- we give this more than one episode. Maybe explore how Regina dying for Henry affects Robin

Regina becomes the Dark One instead of Emma. This triggers Cora’s remorse at how she treated her daughter, once she sees what the curse is doing to her. Zelena and Ingrid both are determined to save their sister. Robin gets more of a role. Rumple/Henry/Emma/Charmings involved

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention ships. Outlaw Queen is a big focus, as well as Zades, Snowing, Rumbelle, and yes, Captain Swan.

Realms explored: Atlantica (Ariel/Ursula), Enchanted Forest, Camelot, Arendelle, Fairy Realm, Oz

Villains- Cora, Regina, Black Fairy, Zelena, Ingrid, Rumple, Maleficent, Hades

Season 5:

Camelot arc- the gang has to go the Camelot to find Merlin and save Regina from the darkness- she’s gone worse than EQ mode. Wearing more exposed outfits, etc. Merlin finally meets Zelena, tells her of her potential for true light, as he was responsible for the Dark One curse and she is the counter to it. She is the one that can save Regina. Cue Zelena redemption! Morgana Le Fay is introduced as Cora’s mother!

Arthur is an ass. Hits on Regina, tells her that if she hooks up with him she won’t be burned at the stake for being a witch (magic is outlawed in Camelot)

We see how the darkness continues to consume Regina- Epic Outlaw Queen development (Dark Outlaw Queen at first, then Robin protects her from the witch hunters). Zelena breaks the curse on her sister.

These witch hunters are good at what they do- in the midst of it all, they kidnap Zelena (they sense something different about her magic). She is held captive somewhere in Camelot- discovers they wanted her for the demigod baby she carries.

Underworld arc- We meet Hades, who is in a rage over the kidnapping of his wife. He summons a portal to Camelot and sucks everyone else to the Underworld. Everyone else finds out about Zades, and it is revealed to them that she’s pregnant. He asks them to get Zelena back. We get Hades backstory on Olympus and meet other gods like Zeus, Poseidon, Athena, etc. What Hades’ life has been like pre-Zelena, character backstory. Other gods have a bigger role- maybe the gang ends up on Olympus somehow?

They find Zelena, but she’s in bad shape. Close to death. The only way to heal her is ambrosia- she becomes a goddess (because would Hades have let her stay mortal, for her to eventually die and for him to be alone again? No.)

Regina has to deal with meeting the souls of her victims and apologizing for everything.

Subplot- Merida and Mulan backstory! We visit Imperial China and Dun’Broch, how did Mulan become a mercenary?

Realms visited: Underworld, Camelot, Oz, Enchanted Forest, Dun’Broch (Merida)

Villains- Regina, Zelena, Ingrid, Cora, Hades, Rumple, Black Fairy, Arthur

Season 6:

Origin of the dark curse is the same, but now that we’ve been building Fiona’s story for 6 seasons, this is actual payoff. Blue is shady AF. Lots of time spent at the fairy realm.

Rumple family drama with Gideon/Fiona/Henry

Land of Untold Stories- we explore this more.

Wish realm- We spend more time here too. except that actual Robin gets sucked up with Regina and they encounter the banished, older queen locked up.

Split Queen- only difference here is that Regina becomes whole again and takes the EQ back inside her, becoming one person again, learning to deal with her darkness. OUTLAW QUEEN WEDDING Y’ALL (and eventual pregnancy)

Regina is pregnant! Praise the gods! (both Mills women are pregnant at the same time- cue comedic relief). Ingrid/Cora/Regina/Zelena finally feel like a family unit.

Final Battle time- This is it. The culmination of 6 seasons and it’s hella epic. Fiona casts her curse because she’s just plain evil, and its chaos. The realms are collapsing, and everyone has to step up and save them. We go to each realm and save it like in Kingdom Hearts, Regina’s castle is the Traverse Town hub. There’s at least an hour long battle between everyone else and Fiona- think Battle of Hogwarts/Helms Deep from LOTR rolled into one. It’s one giant magic battle with swords and bows and fireballs and it’s epic. It takes a lot to bring Fiona down. But she is defeated eventually.

Epilogue- Everyone goes back to the Enchanted Forest. Regina and Robin rule as King and Queen, welcome a daughter. Snow and Charming are no longer the main royal line with the birth of Regina’s daughter. Zelena is Empress of Oz, visits Hades in the Underworld and her sister in the EF, has a daughter. (Cora’s magical bloodline can only have daughters). Ingrid is Queen of Arendelle, etc. Henry and Emma invent a way to have easy portal hopping, so that people can cross realms back to Storybrooke with ease. There. No season 7 nonsense.

Whew! that was long!

Season 7: NOT ENCHANTED FOREST VERSION 2

ok, so I I know I said this wouldn’t contain season 7, but this last episode gave me an idea. Regina and Robin are ruling in the Enchanted Forest, like where I left off with season 6, but all is not well. Somewhere in the kingdom, a witch named Oriana Gothel is stirring up trouble, creating the Coven of the Eight.

Why? Well, Gothel thinks the magical balance of light and dark needs to be restored after Fiona’s defeat- the practice of dark magic has become nonexistent in the Enchanted Forest as a result of Regina’s reign. Deciding to “restore balance to the force”, she recruits 7 promising dark witches for the coven, with the goal of resurrecting Fiona. Fiona’s her idol- the darkest of them all. With Fiona back, Gothel believes that a new world order will be established and things will be as they should (think Voldemort and his view of purebloods, but replace that with dark witches/wizards).

Obviously, Regina/Cora/Ingrid/Zelena aren’t going to stand for this, but this doesn’t stop Gothel from trying to recruit them. The Mills family is going to have to team up once again, this time with the forces of Oz, Camelot, and Arendelle behind them. The stakes are high, with young children to protect from Gothel’s greedy hands.

Subplot 1: Rapunzel (Megan Warner). Rapunzel has 2 daughters and a loving husband, but she has magic, was the first person approached by Gothel. When Rapunzel refuses to join the coven, she’s locked in the tower. Victoria Tremaine (Gabrielle Anwar) is recruited instead. We find out that Victoria is Cora’s sister.

Subplot 2: Tiana and Dr. Facilier. The voodoo doctor is very interested in Gothel’s plan, offers her his help in finding recruits.

Subplot 3: Rumple and The Guardian. The Guardian will be someone that can withstand the Dark One curse without going insane- he searches to find the person that he can finally pass the Dark One curse off to. However, things are complicated when he finds out that Mommy Dearest is awake.

Realms visited: Enchanted Forest, Oz, Camelot, possibly Underworld

Villains: Gothel, Fiona, Facilier

General gripes:

* More Regina backstory that’s not her searching for Snow. What was her marriage like in the early years? What was her relationship with her mother/father growing up a princess? What if her and Zelena met more than that once?

* More development of characters like Aurora, Cinderella, Ruby, etc.

* No more character assassinations- like seriously, Emma, Regina, Snow, Belle, and Rumple’s characters were all destroyed

* Too many memory curses. Like seriously, no more.

*No more recycled plots for Rumple/Rumbelle

* Development of Zelena. True development- not just some flashbacks of her being jealous of Regina. More time building up Zades. Zelena spends time with Henry being his aunt.

* No musical. Just unnecessary, and doesn’t fit the tone of the show.

* Timeline disaster- we establish a solid, concrete timeline. No more “many years ago” and conflicting flashbacks.

* Maleficent- Nothing against Kristin, but what the hell did they do to Maleficent? She’s not as evil as she was in the movie

* More effort put into magic battles- think Harry Potter level of CGI and effort

* Regina’s redemption- this could be handled better- you can’t redeem someone that doesn’t regret killing hundreds of people, and still has a vault full of hearts

* explanation of magic/laws of magic.

* actual sex scenes- not quite HBO levels but almost.

*More magical creatures- we have werewolves, so where are the vampires?

If I missed anything, or if I can improve on things, let me know!

#once upon a time #ouat #regina mills #zelena mills #rumplestiltskin #cora mills #ouat fics

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lady-nevermore · 7 years

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Third Session

June 5, 2017

Yesterday I:

5AM - Went to Church with my mom (been finding it really relaxing and peaceful actually).

8 AM - Accompanied and Went with my folks on running their errands.

12/ Noon - Went to the Flea Market (haven’t been in lke forever, saw a bunch of cool stuff like always) and at the behest of my parents, whom also decided to give this a go, got a message......I actually feel like it loosened me up a bit....feel a lot more: sensitive/tender around my shoulder area/neck...at least i don’t feel those damn kinks anymore....but idunno if i like feeling this tender/sensitive/vulnerable around there. >_>;

1-5 PM - Went the Grocery Store and spent the last remaining hours looking for that dratted, evasive gift-bag (more details below in a sec). >_<;

6-7 PM Ate Dinner, and Took a shower.

8-9 PM - Went to bed, and actually slept well.

Today I:

- 6:45 AM: Went with my mom, for the third/fourth time this week, walking around our local Half Library/Half Duck Pond (powered-walked for an hour and saw a bunch of the local wildlife: Squirrels, ducks, geese, robin-birds, crows, etc). It’s always very nice and soothing to see, not to mention it makes me smile. :)

- 7:00-11:00 AM: Did some housework, laundry, made and prepared dinner for tonight as well as for the following days, and tried to fix my TV (sorta worked....still pending....we’ll see).

12/Noon Ate Lunch (made myself a small Tuna Salad with cucumbers, and spinach, with a side of baby carrots, a couple of pieces of store-bought Sushi, and a granola bar); it was really nice actually. :)

1-4 PM Tried to take my mind off my nerves/anxiety a bit, managed to listen to music, and read a bit before mentally preparing myself for My Therapy appointment at 5 PM.

6-7 PM: Ate a healthy dinner and afterwards have been writing this therapy blog up till now......Looking at the clock: it’s 9PM *sigh* -___-;

9 PM - Gonna get off tumblr, take a shower and head to bed (whilst reading a fanfic); G’night y’all *yawn*

So yeah, Today and Yesterday have been semi-stressful (a little bit hectic) to say the least; Y’all remember my ‘Aunt C aka The Poor Excuse of an Aunt who emotionally traumatized/abused me when I was 5, well her daughter let’s call her “Jay” has a Graduation this upcoming Friday....Ironically enough, Jay is graduating from my old alma-mater/my old high school: AHS High.....I’m not that close to Jay for obvious reasons (I’ve sorta sub consciously stayed away/distanced myself away from them in order to avoid Aunt C.....but then again I rarely like to spend time with or at family reunions, nowadays anyways). >_>;

But that’s beside the point; I’m proud of my younger cousin, proud and happy for her: she’s an AP student, got a full scholarship to UC Davis (aka the College I’ve always dreamed of going as well as the same old alma-mater of my Old Mentor/Friend who passed away but meant a great great deal to me to the point where he left his mark/imparted his memory onto me), and who is so amazingly ambitious that my dear cousin jay dreams of becoming a Doctor. This is why I’m soo damn proud of her (tho a selfishly part of me does feel a twinge of jealousy/envy....but my happiness/pride of her is far greater), She’s probably going to be one of the few in our family who might actually achieve graduating from a legit University, and effing applaud her for that. I mean I know that we may not be close (nor do I know If I would ever want to be, considering her connection to my abuser aka my Aunt C/her mother)....But despite that, it is in my nature to try to look past that and kindly offer a gesture of happiness in congratulating her, cause I am honestly quite proud of her. :)

....Which is why I decided to impart to her what my old mentor/friend imparted onto me when I graduated from AHS High: A nice couple of (and by couple I mean 2) boxes of Tea, specifically Vanilla Chai Tea and Earl Grey ; My Mentor, let’s call him Obi-Wan (cause he was a huge die-hard fan of Star Wars), well Obi-Wan always said that Tea helped him to relax, and I wholly agree with him in this statement, it’s been around 9 years since he introduced me to the Wonders and Joy that is Tea (and 8 years since he passed away from Colon Cancer), but it’s something that I feel will always connect me to him, and in turn is my own personal means of honoring his memory.

So, I hope that my little gift/gesture to Jay (isn’t too cheap/offensive in her eyes or my Aunt C’s in that matter) and that it will help her to relax throughout her fun, but what I’m sure will be quite the stressful venture that is College/University (I dropped out, something I’m ashamed of, so I can’t talk or say much on the matter, but I do hope it’ll help Jay in the long run). I say this in all seriousness, because I ended up having a nervous-breakdown by taking waaaaay too many college-courses/classes (around 5-6 tops) what with my mentor/friend passing away, plus me struggling depression, pushing my friends outta of my life/cutting them off, as well as struggling with said classes and me being sleep-deprived on top of that didn’t help....it was just too damn much and now here I am now (struggling with anxiety and going to therapy....though my issues have been long since precedent and something that I’ve been dealing far longer) but the point is Jay is a High ranking AP student and off to a legit High Ranking University......that can’t be easy on her poor shoulders the bear, which is why I worry and hope she doesn’t repeat my mistakes........hence a few kind, meaningful, soothing words of wisdom on the graduation card I got for her, as well as the heartwarming gesture of Tea. But yeah, I hope it at the very least make her smile (and think oh, how appropriate, Tea: a nerdy gift from my dorky cousin Lady Nevermore). lol x)

So I told my Therapist that I woke up today feeling melancholic for no apparent reason (or so I thought); But my therapist thinks that I might me projecting my stress/anxiety from Yesterday (when I was trying to find/prepare the perfect gift for me to give Jay for her Graduation) onto today; She’s not wrong ....I was sorta freaking out, yesterday, that we were never going to find the perfect gift-bag for the occasion (not to mention that my indecisiveness/pickiness didn't help)...most of the gift-bags were either too tacky or not appropriate (birthday gift bags for example)....but in the end I got lucky and found the perfect one, yay! :D

So yeah, I talked to my therapist about my anxiety/fear that Jay ro my Aunt C will find my gift cheap/offensive and or worse, she’ll want to start to get close to me (and considering her connection to my abuser, having my Aunt Cas her mother)......yeah that’s not something I’m at all entirely comfortable with, like at all. :/

We talked a little bit about my Mentor/Old Friend, Obi-Wan and how his passing/death affected me aka via anxiety-terror filled nightmares, etc (but I don’t really wanna get into that atm, maybe later or some other time). We discussed how my therapist is glad that I’m continuing to go outside (going to church, walking around the library-duck pond area, and going to stores or to the grocery store with my folks; it’s been three weeks more or less of this now without me feeling too overwhelmed)

2nd Piece of Homework: Note to Self: Notice and become Aware of what triggers my depression or anxiety during stressful/anxiety-filled situation and write it down (this way we can start identifying what triggers my anxiety/depression and what me and my therapist can start to work on).

****Pretty sure I forgot a lot of other stuff, and I will probably try to add more to this later or post another one of these the following weeks, but for now this’ll have to do.

Just got back from therapy (around 6 pm-ish and it took me a while to eat dinner, not to mention get on tumblr and organize my thoughts in order to write this blog) and I’m Feeling sorta tired/drained/low-key sorta cranky and i really really really just wanna go shower and go to bed right now (and recharge); sucks cause I really wanted to start pick up where the anime in Bleach left off, and start reading the manga (Bleach) and / or watch one of the bleach movies....or another Ghibli film.....or hell, at the very least cruise on tumblr (reblogging, chatting, etc) for a bit. *sigh* Ah well, maybe tomorrow. -____-;

Welp, Later, and Good Night my dears! *hugs* :)

- Lady Nevermore

#therapy blog #therapy #Third Session #anxiety #melancholy #meh #personal

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drennalynspast · 4 years

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[ austin and bewilderedness ]

Friday, May. 02, 2008

[ austin and some good news ]

so around friday early evening we left to go to austin. jacob and shagun were the ones who were driving. ricky (jacob's cute queer roomate) also came along too. on the highway, there was a stupid semi that stopped in the middle of the road. the car in front of us was stopping and we had to quickly change lanes so we wouldn't slam our brakes. >.> we almost ran into the car next to us too..if the other car hadn't changed lanes. ricky had a gps thing on his phone. it helped us a lot in navigating.

we arrived in austin around 12 am lol. we drove to find this street where there was a lot of stuff of eateries and shopping strip (that was close to the UT campus). then, we searched for a hotel to stay for the night. of course we wanted a relatively cheap hotel. around $50-65. we figured, 'let's go to a super 8 motel'. we drove in the parking lot and there were cop cars all around with the lights flashing. and we saw some sketchy black person outside lolol. we didn't get a good vibe. "uhmm...let's go somewhere else. " "i agree"

we went somewhere called the 'rodeway inn". we looked at the parking lot and there appeared to be nice cars around. one of the guys walking in the rooms seemed well kept. so we decided to try it there for one night to see how it goes. the room was okay. later on, we turned on the light and we saw this EFFING HUUUGE cockroach that crawled up the wall. it was soo disgusting. it was the largest cockroach i have ever seen. and you can see its antennas. ricky and i were freaking out.

jacob and shagun were like..oh wow uhh. we had to go to walgreens and get some supplies. i forgot my toothbrush, retainers, and phone charger >.> so i got a toothbrush. we got a can of raid too to spray our room with also. we found another dead cockroach near the toilet seat and one under the bed. O_o..... we pretty much established that we are sleeping with the lights on. (cockroaches supposedly dont' come out in light). damn, i wanted to get duct tape and tape my mouth shut. just in case one were to crawl on me *shivers*

luckily we survived that night. the next day, we packed our bags outta that hotel. next, we went to go to that one street near the campus with the shops and food places. we mostly looked through the stores. we wanted to go eat sushi in downtown austin. the jap restaurant was closed during the afternoon.

after that, we drove to red rock. a place close to austin. it had a recently new outlet mall in there.at red rock, we were disappointed in the stores. we didn't feel like browsing through a lot of stuff and the clothes were pretty shitty. (since outlet malls sells the 'defective' items that were made in the factories for a cheaper price :/) lol we were joking, hey there's a starbucks here. "it's cheap because it's irregular". red rock outlets wasn't amusing after we tried it look through it.

after outlet shopping, we went to find another hotel. the night at rodeway, we were on our laptops researching where to find the next better hotel and getting directions. we decided to go to holiday inn. it was more expensive..like 30+ more. but we wanted something better to compensate for our bad night at rodeway. cockroach free. it was okay. been a while since i stayed at hotels. it felt weird being in one. somehow, i just don't care about semen on sheets anymore lol . i just don't want cockroaches and bedbugs. >.< if i get pregnant soon, you'll know why x_x.

we chilled at the hotel for a while and headed out to go look to eat dinner somewhere. we went back to that same street near campus and ate at a vegan place. it was pretty good. i ate some of ricky's sushi that he ordered lolol. after that, we stopped by this one store where jacob's UT friend helped prepare the opening for. this guy is like in PR or whatever. we all said hi to the guy and left. after that, we walked around the UT austin campus at night.

zomg, the ut campus was soo big and pretty. everyone [jacob etc] felt so ashamed for being at ou. >.> man, imagine how i freaking feel. c'mon, i go to swosu. :/ they had a lot of stuff. like a bowling alley and pool tables etc in the lower student union. zomg -this computer lounge area was so awesome. hmm some random culture rooms above the union. nice architecture structures all around. ut campus is obviously right in the center of the austin capitol city. along that shopping/dining strip, you see a lot of diverse kind of people. some of the people were way too happy riding bikes. and you see random hippies on the street. (lol at the weird shirtless guy on the street O_o). people actually had some style going on in their fashion too. we took some pictures of us around campus and stuff - running around at night heh.

after the campus browsing (which wasn't much, soo huge and so little time. i wanted to see the dorms, but it was farther >.>)/ , we went to starbucks and chillaxed. then, we headed back towards the hilton...i mean, holiday inn. we went to bed pretty early lol 10:30-11:00 pm ish. and we woke up around 10-10:30 am. we were dead tired.</p><p>on the drive back, we still slept. there was nothing else to do. we ate lunch at luby's cafeteria. there wasn't a lot of luby's in oklahoma, and ricky missed eating there as a child. we went there. there was a lot of old people there..and kids... but the food was good (expensive too :/). we were so full though. i couldn't finish my cheesecake arhghhg.

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[monday] so after classes, as usual, i was browsing on my computer. my roomate comes in the room and says the college of pharmacy sent me a letter. i was thinking, 'omg...so soon!?" x_x. i wasn't sure what i was feeling at that time. i knew that if i got rejected, i wouldn't be disappointed. it was as if i was preparing myself to be rejected somehow. i opened the letter and stared at it. i kept reading it over and over again.

>lolwut? “Dear Ms. XXXX:I am happy to inform you of your conditional acceptance to the College of Pharmacy for the Fall semester 2008"

at that moment, i was flabergasted, bewildered, weirded, and elated. seriously, omfg, i got accepted. deep down inside i felt lucky. obviously i have this inferiority complex where i was skeptical of my acceptance - i don't have an amazing gpa ...hell..even my pcat score is non remarkable. i was surprised how other people i knew weren't called for an interview etc.

i feel like people could hate me if they knew of my academic status. but...fuck damnit. screw it all - whatever this inferiority complex i have. somehow, the admissions committee saw something in me that stood out. maybe it was autobiographical sketch? maybe it was my interview (which i actually felt pretty confident i did well in)? maybe it was something in my persona/character that stood out despite my academic blemishes. maybe god is watching me and telling me not to give up?

nonetheless, i feel like i have a reason to believe in myself more. i think i should be more motivated now. i still need to do well in organic 2 during the summer to actually be formally accepted in pharm school. damnit, i can't screw up this time. i really want to try hard not to fuck this opportunity. ashdjahfds i really hope i can survive organic 2. i'm so scared. T_T i just need to make a 'c'. in pharmacy school, i believe my gpa will be a clean slate. so, there is time to redeem myself. i have to prove to others that i am academically capable and deserving of my admittance - also, i need to improve my character as well -_-.

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[ random disappointment(s)?] - for some odd reason, i was feeling sad on thursday. it was quite a trivial thing. i think the reason was just a dumb one. i happened to finish some random pieces of art i was working on, and i posted the works online. i was hoping to receive some feedback and recognition on them. though, i didn't really get much response. >.>

why am i not getting any comments damnit? maybe because my art sucks/they don't like it, i'm not popular, people don't know what to say (or they are lazy to say anything), or they hate me?

after brooding, a nap, and working out, i don't feel [too] sad anymore about it (at the moment anyway:|) ohwait. still kind of irked. i just hate it when i put hard work into these art things and receive no feedback from them. it pisses me off rather. i'm not talking about wanting appraisal..but just critique comments that help me improve and shit. i actually don't complain about it publicly in my art galleries. i don't want to cause a scene. though, i'll rant/vent about my frustration here. XD

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[ehhh sure] - i bumped into an 'acquaintance friend' the other day. he asked me how i was doing. he asked for my number, and wondered if we could hang out sometime. i was kind of reluctant to really hang out with this person. but i gave my number and agreed to hang out later on sometime.

he called me to confirm the time and stuff and he asked me what things i like to do/what i do in my freetime. me: uh...browse online...workout... o_o?.....him: i can see that you have a lot of friends. me:...>.> yeah i know i don't have much of a life.

seriously, i don't think i have much of a life. i don't watch a lot of movies. i don't play sports. err...i like to do art and stuff... but who the hell does that kind of hobby? not a lot of people....sometimes i hate ruining people's expectations of me. like..somehow people usually seem to be fascinated with exterior sides of people and not no a clue of who the person is really like. i admit, i can be that kind of judgmental person too.

anyways, i feel like it is going to be awkward hanging out with this guy. i can anticipate myself holding back in how i express myself >.>. ughhg seriously, why am i picky when it comes to hanging out with people? sooo laem.

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