#I feel like I could cry at anything rn
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My Five: Yeah I’m the most cool, collected and badass person in this township. Nothing fazes me or affects me. I never cr-
About ten minutes earlier:
My Five, crying, holding up a video on a old phone of baby Sara: Peter! Look at how cute this video of Sara is!!!!!
Inspired by this post by @stealingpotatoes
#zombies run#runner five#runner 5#sara myers cohen yao#peter lynne#5am#technically#saw this#thought my five would be like this#also Mother Nature decided it’s time for my monthly punch in the uterus#as a result#I feel like I could cry at anything rn#so it feels appropriate#also also my five would totally show off her technical step daughter to her adopted big bro#zr incorrect quotes
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Since writing the affirmations and starting manifestation again, I've actually been in a much better headspace. It's crazy how things align, and you end up where you need to be, especially through pain
#txt#have been reading the affirmations every day twice a day sometimes#doing my intentions and manifesting what i wsnt#which is mainly independence#also a good relationship with my ex from here#mainly stuff for me tho#and the full moon on Wednesday which is in scorpio which is his sun sign#will be a big release and maybe i can let go a bit or a lot lol#i need to move on and focus on myself and what i want in life and doing it all on my own#with support obviously but ive never been fully independent and im so ready for the blessings and the open doors#i dont know if ill truly ever be over him but i have to try for my own sanity at this point#i dont want to manifest anything selfish like him coming back to me because it probably wont happen anyway lmao#i hope i dont sound crazy lmao but coming back into my spiritual journey is definitely what i need#connecting with myself and my purpose feels like the only thing i can do rn#have a driving lesson tomorrow but in all honesty i could just go do the test and pass cause ive been driving forever and im good at it#just need to practice certain things but im nearly there! so close i can feel it and see it#anyway i hope i can keep this energy up and continue to head in a positive direction because it feels really good#if i need to cry about him and the loss then i will but im not going to dwell on it too much#i just need to take it as a lesson and let it go :)#cause at the end of the day i really did lead myself here whether it was his choice to end it or not#blah
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#I wish I could stop caring as easily as her#but unfortunately my feelings are just going to constantly get hurt over and over forever#when it’s obvious she doesn’t value our friendship as much as I do#I’ve learned to stop texting beyond holidays for the most part because it hurts getting disappointed when I don’t get answers#but it really fucking sucks she saw my insta story about my birthday but couldn’t bother saying anything to me#good to know where we stand#but again: idk why I’m surprised when she has not told me directly when she:#moved to my state from the opposite coast#set a wedding date and also got married#and moved a half an hour away from me#had to find that all out from the internet#so why would my birthday matter? lmao I’m an idiot#like at least she’s remembered in past years and does answer on holidays but#she hasn’t texted me first beyond my birthday last year in like two years#anyway wish I didn’t feel like crying rn#personal#to be deleted#and I feel conceited for caring but I know it’s not#and it extra sucks to still be hurt about another ex best friend that ghosted me years ago that shares my birthday so the sadness is just#inevitable#especially when combined with the fact that my dad’s birthday is in five days#so I’m just kinda sad around and on my birthday every year
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#I hate it when looking at art makes me wanna lay down my pen for good and just curl up and cry#cause how can I ever create anything as beautiful#of course I try to turn this feeling into something productive instead#supporting other artists and letting them inspire me#but I still would love if I could just stop feeling like this altogether#sorry that i keep venting like this#been struggling a lot mentally and I just... feel a little lost rn#holding on! but... you know how it is
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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no you don’t understand. bad buddy ep 5 is like an ever-present black hole in my life threatening at all times to suck me in. like i have to actively make myself not think about it otherwise i will plummet head first into a void of emotions so overwhelming i will not escape.
#I don’t know how we got here#I don’t know how a single episode of a show has this much power over my ability to simply function#and yet here we are#not letting myself go to a place I love too much bc it’s so good that it’s all consuming#it takes over my every thought and feeling until I’m just a puddle on the floor#like I will cry rn if I think about how much this single ep means to me on so many levels#bc there’s both the ep itself and how masterful ut is#there’s the 4/4 of it all and how earth shattering life changing universe altering it was#how no bl has ever done that and probably will ever reach that level again#and then there’s how it made me shut down for an entire week#like for that whole week I literally and I mean this in the most serious way I could ever mean anything ever#I could not think about anything else#my brain was fully stuck#and then how it brought me back here made me find this community made me wanna contribute and say stuff#and how I met so many incredible and talented people and like fucking found my place and corner of the internet#this ep has given more to me on every level than I could ever convey#and it’s incredible to remember what it felt like experiencing it and knowing that the course of my life was changing in that moment#like it’s just a fucking ep of a show why is it so important#and yet it’s one of the most important moments of my life#just the way you are ep 5#you are my everything#bad buddy#badbuddyrewatch
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im stayign home from school today + exams r over so i wont feel guilty abt not studying + i have no commitments today .... i think this is true freedom every day should be like this
#can finally get started on that long list of things i wanna do#<- is lying#<- is not getting started on that list#<- is doing something else entirely#i want to reread letters to elma and elma's diary but i have to do that in one sitting#and i don't think crying and losing fluids would be good for my sick ass#hmm i could read the tousaku novel#wait but i wanna do that after finishing 1984#eh but i don't feel like sitting up to read physical books rn#this is why i never get anything done#and the leaf falleth down the tree
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Felt cute, might deteriorate later. [He/Him]
#feels like im in hell um#shibuya to belgium#anyway did my eyebrows perfectly but its night and ill prob sleep em off so ugh#im so tired bro i went thru my arm workout THREE times today bc of stress and anxiety#not to mention body dysphoria on top of the health concerns im trying to not think about anything rn so selfie time#OBLIGATORY: 'DISCLAIMER: i'M HI (HIGH)' TAG#but tbh not enough im still hurting with stress#could fuckin go for another round but i rly gotta try n sleep bc i get to cry abt all this in therapy tmr yaaaaay#fuckin hate that i cant treat endo lmao its like living in a cage w a tiger and not knowing when its gonna attack or give a love bite#anyway not to be a crybaby but yeah im not okay and dont know how im expected to go on lol#thought i looked good in my red light but ended up w a good orange light pic#wish i could show off my arms but its not impressive. mostly just feels nice to be like... solid lol#wish i could afford a gym#so my face will have to do for now hope i dont regret posting selfies at almost midnight lol#me#selfie#Cori.exe#Image.exe#ignore my chapped lips pls my dermatillomania has been rampant for the past like 2 days lmao i never stood a chance#hhhhh idk what to tag beyond this fence sitting whether to post or not so im just gon post and then go sleep hffff
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Every fucking queer love story I consume completely ruins me
#FUCK#probably bc I never imagined to be able to experience actual queer love stories in media bc growing up it was always a joke#but jfc even the tiniest queer plot#doesn’t matter if it’s happy or sad or boring or anything#it reduces me to a crying mess for weeks#most recently it’s tlou obviously#the last of us#bill and frank#but like San junipero on black mirror did it#or the haunting of bly manor#or… others but I’m drunk and crying rn I can’t handle it#lgbt#lgbtq#queer#tlou#fuck man even listening to abba and assigning my own gay story to a song makes me sob like a baby#or like maybe bc my first ever relationship was with a girl when I was 17 and I thought we were going to get married#and she was the love of my life before I even really knew what love was or what the queer experience is like I was just so overcome by love#and I WISH I could feel that way about someone again lmao#even though we were toxic and awful just I’ve never felt that overwhelming infatuation/immediate love for someone
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i got so comfortable with him why did i let him in i should’ve figured
#i’m being dramatic he hasn’t said anything but all the things he hasn’t said say more than that#i miss him so bad it hurts i miss us i wish id left it as a crush#because it hurts so bad i’m so so so tired and i can’t believe he could just get bored of me so easily#i thought he cared like really cared and no guy has ever been that for me before#no guy has ever said the things he’s said no guy has ever looked at me with that pure adoration and i need him to keep doing that#i’m going to drive myself crazy looking at all our texts im going to cry so hard#and i can’t stop it#but i miss it#i miss it so bad#i miss him#i wish i was with him rn i wish he could hold me#i wish i was permanent i wish people didn’t care that im boring and horrible and#i hate feeling like this i hate not knowing what he feels#it feels just like october all over again#it feels like that party in june when he didn’t care if i was alive or dead#and how he forgot like i was that insignificant to him once#i don’t want that again#watercolour tag
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it is all just so sucks
#saw this artist I've been following for a year get out of their abusive home to live w their partner#their partner picked them up and everything#very very happy for them. very very upset that i wont ever have that.#very very very happy for them though. they deserve it. everyone deserves that safety and love#but man. wish i could have that. oh well i guess fjfkdl can't be helped !!! it is just not in the cards for me#cant help but feel a little bitter abt it but idk i just cannot... i just can't. idk. too tired to do anything to try#pretty cowardly of me i guess but i am using what precious little energy i have left to just cling onto life desperately for the past 2 yrs#like. I've got nothing left to give idk fbfkdl alas and alack oh well etc etc etc. i just wish things had gone differently#I could've done things! could've been things! it is so stupid that this is how the world works! so endlessly fucked up!#i hope nobody reads this fjfkdl i am just kind of crying out bc everything hurts rn#I'll keep trodding along until my savings are gone dw I've got time left still. not doing anything too soon yet#theres still a couple art things i want to make before i call it quits fjfkdkl#suicide tw
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i lost my favourite cat earrings that my mom got me a few years ago kms im gonna start crying fr
#well i found one. but no idea where the other could have fallen#good news is it must be somewhere in my flat cause i just. dropped them accidentally#but i have no idea where it is and now i cant concentrate on anything or sleep or do shit because i keep thinking#that i have to find that earring first#i love them so much they're literally my favourite AND they have sentimental value AND they's shaped like kitties#if i never find this other one imma jump off a cliff istg#:(#im genuinely upset rn#i really do feel like crying#where tf is ittttttttttt
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as lonely as being aro can be I honestly wouldn't have it any other way because as a kid I felt like my life would be over in my 20s once I married and started having kids but the first time I realized I didn't have to do that shit was akin to a bird getting released from its cage
#like idk. i remember watching my mom growing up. no time to read or paint or sing or do anything she wanted to do#because she was always doing chores and housework and taking care of the kids#and she said she chose that life and was happy with it but it felt like a cage to me every time i thought about it#and in the ''religion'' i grew up in anyone with ovaries was supposed to get married and have lots of babies as soon as they could#so yk. 20s.#and as a kid growing up in that environment i Literally thought i would only get to live for 20/25 years#and then i'd be miserable and locked inside the house for the rest of my life#and all my friends growing up Wanted that !! they wanted marriage and a million kids and all the things we were told we needed to have#and im sure a lot of this was just the culture we grew up in. even now after leaving years ago im still struggling to unlearn things#and as kids ?? we didnt know Anything.#but idk. i remember watching brave and connecting with merida so much because i didnt want to get married either !!!#but i thought i had to !!! literally that movie made me cry so many times fr#but finding out what aromanticism was was literally so insane it was like. i dont have to do any of this bullshit actually.#it was literally the most radical thought i'd ever encountered at the time#it felt like i was defying everything i've been taught and it took me a long time to separate myself from the mindsets i grew up with#and then longer still to eventually separate myself from that environment completely#but idk. im a little lonely sometimes and my siblings and friends are all getting married and paired off#but i dont have to. my life isnt over and i can live it however i want.#idkkkkkkkk im feeling kinda emotional rn. being aro is incredible fr#winter speaks#queer#personal
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@ west asians what do u do when a census/form asks you for ur racial identity ? personally i cry
#bc YOU KNOW when they say asian theyre almost always referring to east asians and like#and like esp if ur a pale west asian some ppl will literally tell u youre white . like some ppl straight up say u r white#bc u benefit from some of the privilege even tho white ppl have literally appropriated west asian features#and like u could put down just 'other' or 'asian other' but what does that even mean . what is the other#personally when asked that question i cry for 5 mins. put down asian other or smth.#gonna rant but feel free to respond or rb or w/e i talk a lot in tags in doesnt mean anything#anyway its so annoying when ppl equate white privilage and colourism bc like#my skin tone can appear so so much darker irl if im under the sun for longer than 4 seconds . u only see my face#from the front online . u also were not there when i was getting called uncivilised by like 10482 people at the ripe old age of#12 when i came here . like bro come on. if im having one of those days where my skin tone is paler and i my foundation matches my skin and#i havent been under the sun in a while yes i do benefit from colourism and i try to dismantle that where i can and acknowledging it etc#but to call . west asians in general but iranians specifically...white. bro#bc why are pale south asians not white and why are pale east asians not white but were white just bc u took our features and decided yh#lets have this be the beauty standard but westernise it and bastaedise it and not acknowledging where were getting this from and call the#ppl we stole these features from TERRORISTS . except theyre also white sometimes :) xoxo . fuck u . im so angry rn goodnight its 5 AM.
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im having a real bad depression day folks so pls send me nice asks and/or let me know what y'all do when everything feels hard, i could rly use it today
#delete later#idk why my mood is so so low today but i feel fucking rancid#like it literally feels like my brain is a pot of toxic sludge boiling over and ruining everything#i know i should probably at least take myself on a depression walk but i feel like hot garbage and i dont wanna do anything#i keep feeling like i might cry and for WHAT i literally dont know why i feel so shitty rn#anyway. send me something nice in my askbox or tell me ur coping strategies for bad brain days pls i could use some support rn#and thank you in advance if you send something ❤️
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asked my professor for an extension and she gave it to me
#i could cry i feel like crying rn i am so stressed#i don’t even have midterms but i have so much to do and i have a while coding assignment due tmrw but she hasn’t even explained it in class#and idk how fo do it or what’s going on but it’s still due tmrw and it stressing me out and i just want to draw and go outside and be in bed#is that so much to ask for is it soo difficult to just be a girl in her bed who draws and doesn’t do anything i m gonna cry a#i’m so stressed my therapist would not be proud of me right now and i have no friends that’s unrelated but still true i need to go to bed
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