#I feel like I’m gonna go cry in the toilets at work HAHAHAHA

[heartboudoir]

..

[aliceellablog]

Holiyay?

*08/10/17*

Sorry I haven’t posted for so long... ironic when you’re not well enough to write your blog about your illness aint it!?! 

Anyway, I’m gonna cut right to the chase. Instagram vs real life is such an issue for me. One I probably need to get over…. It’s so hard I don’t know wether I should try and only post positive fun photos and make it look like I’m having a right old great fucking time or to keep it more ‘real’? But then no-one wants to see pics of an ill sad girl and it’ll probably just look like I’m trying to get attention.

I guess this blog is my outlet for now…

I have people who are close to me who tell me that if I post about being ill all the time I’ll never get booked for work or gigs, but then when it comes to my (failing) career as an artist I want to be real. I want to be honest and build a genuine following of people who care enough to join me on the real journey??Answers on a postcard please thanks.

So if you’ve seen the recent Insta posts you will have seen that I managed to go on holiday with my besets friends - genuine yay!I’ve never been away with friends before and could not wait to get ma body in the sun!! Oh that sweet sweet vitamin D!

But maybe I underestimated how tiring travelling was and how hard it would be…

Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret going and there were some really genuinely lovely times - that and I feel so much closer to my friends, but I’ve been back home now for three weeks and I’m just about making it to the supermarket or doing small tasks around the house each day. BIG FAT MEH.

I know I say it a lot but M.E. is so fucking frustrating!!! Because the more you push through and try and go for it the worse you get, so you physically can’t just get on with things- and the pay back is hell.

So on the way there we had the biggest nightmare…. I met Katie, Grace, Tilly, and Nicki at the airport and all was chill- I was feeling pretty shit but not too terrible. We had a bit of food at the Wetherspoons - keeping it classy - and then all went off to get out bits and bobs from Boots, WHSmiths etc - classic airport essentials!! - now… I’ll spare you the details… but I also have Crohns disease, and was not tooooo well!! It seemed that all of a sudden our gate was called… and I was… erm… busy…

I was as quick as I could be (awks), but there is no rushing somethings man!!! We were all panicking on the WhatsApp group and I told the gals I would meet them at the gate… Grace (bless her heart) said she would wait for me - she went to the information desk and told them my situation and asked if we could get a wheelchair or one of those buggy things to assist us to the gate - which of course was the furthest one away!!!

Do you know what they said to her??

‘You have four minutes until the gate closes and you won’t get there in time. You have to go now and leave your friend’ Grace being Grace said no, and waited for me. She tried to explain but they said to her ‘If she’s ill she shouldn’t be travelling’ - THANKS GATWICK - REAL BIG HELP THERE!!

Anyway… I came out of the toilets (why oh why am I selling you all this hahahaha) and found Grace - we had less than 4 minutes to do like a good 10 minute walk.

I don’t think I’ve moved so fast in a long time!! We were proper power walking through the airport and Grace would break into a jog at some points. I was fast trailing behind her shouting ‘just go!’ ‘Go on without me!’ Which of course she didn’t….

Stress levels were ridiculous, and I almost collapsed on an escalator - I sat and G rubbed my back…. After what seemed like a marathon we got to the gate… where everyone was sat chilling and they hadn’t even stared boarding yet. cool. whatever… Then Tilly comes walking up behind us as my body is shaking and I start to cry from all the adrenaline- ‘oh hey guys! you got here quick!’ - yea Tilly… real quick….LOL

By that time my legs were utter jelly and I thought I was going to pass out - very pleasant- but we all got on the plane and were laughing so hard at the messages of sheer panic in the WhatsApp group! We were all SO RELIEVED that we had made it!! I literally thought I had ruined everyone’s holiday!! - oops!! Never eating before a flight again! ;)

So we got to Spain and yet again the airport staff were assholes - I was as you can imagine feeling awful and there was a huge queue to get through passport control- I had my disabled parking badge with me as way of proof (people look at me and just don’t get it) and so Kaite and I asked if there was any where I could sit to wait for the queue to go down or any way we could go to the front. After they’d asked ‘where is the disabled girl?’ looking straight past me, and told me no, we’d had enough and just walked straight through while they shouted ‘Policia’ at us etc…. Luckily the police did not come and we went straight through!

What is it with these people?? Like even if I was a healthy girl who became ill on the plane they should WANT to help someone who is asking for assistance??

They can all get in the bin. End of.

So next was the drive (thank you Nicki for driving on the other side of the road for us all!!) to the villa and then we were there! Bloody exhausting.

The gals all then went out for dinner and I went to bed and ate a gluten free pot noodle I had packed in ma suitcase. Living the dream I tell ya!

The next day I was feeling pretty awful and chilled all day by the pool - now of course I am not complaining as I am so lucky to have been able to go on holiday at all, but that day, and most of the time actually, it was just a massive head fuck.

How was I was sat by the pool, surrounded by palm trees in the gorgeous sun, yet all I felt like doing was crying. I couldn’t shake it.

I didn’t want to be with my friends and I didn’t have the energy to make conversation, but kept trying and didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday or be a downer.

Some of the time it just felt I was like having salt rubbed in my wounds right in my face. I was surrounded by four other healthy girls doing what I wished I could be.

I guess at home where I can escape to my room, and the fact that they are all at work everyday, it’s a little easier to cope.

But watching them all have fun and go out without me, and drink wine every night etc. was just a bit rubbish I guess.

I’m sure I sound ridiculous but you can’t help what you feel, and that’s what I felt.

The second night I went for dinner with them all but got so unwell I was in tears at the dinner table and got a cab home and left them to it. Fuck sake. (Sorry for all the swearing… just feel strongly lol)

I did improve a bit as the holiday went on, and my god they were all SO helpful and caring - always carrying the sun lounger out to the pool for me, and making me food when I was super tired (great omelette’s Nix!!), taking my suitcase for me at the airport, all that kinda stuff - and for that I thank them all, I must have been such a burden always having to be ‘looked after’ and I hated that. But they were beyond wonderful. Love you all SO MUCH!!

Then Emily arrived for the last few days which was awesome as we don’t get to see her as much now she’s moved out- so that was cool and we had a really lovely day at the beach which I genuinely enjoyed and did feel a little better - oh and I got duck pancakes that day too… nuff said!! :)

On the Saturday we had decided to have our one ‘night out’ -it was really nice to all get dolled up and as most of us are single now there was a lot of banter with the bar staff etc!

But again I was there drinking a Diet Coke and they were there making bloody boomerangs of them cheersing with their champagne glasses and getting drunk. God I am bitter!! hahaha

How do I always end up writing about my long to get drunk on this blog haha…. I just really miss it I guess… It’s hard cos my personality is so full of get up and go and lets go get drunk and dance!!! But instead I get to a club, can’t drink and all I think about is where can I sit down and what time shall I get a cab home on my own.

Wow… I really can complain huh!!!

On a positive note- I did have a dance that night!! Ok it was for maybe like 2 songs and it was more of a side step LOL but it felt really good! … and again…. Bar staff were on fleeek - for a laugh Nicki and I went up and she dared me to ask for his number… which I did…he was like the most gorgeous man I had ever seen!! But he had to get a woman over to translate as he didn’t understand a word I was saying and then when he did give me his number he asked if I spoke Spanish… to which I said no…. Most pointless exchange ever but Nicki and I were dying laughing and then just kinda ran away! I felt 13 again!

Then Grace did a high kick on the dance floor and fell flat on her face - and got glass in her hand. Doh! Oh Grace- your dance moves make me so happy- man I wish I could do crying laughing emojis on here!!!

-Don’t worry, Grace got looked after! After being told she would need stitches by the bar staff, she ended up in A&E but came home a mere plaster

Anyway I am rambling now -

After that night again I felt terrible and didn’t make it out to dinner with the gals but was glad I had made it out in the first place. I sat and ate chocolate watching the sunset instead. All good ;)

Then the journey home of course was pretty rubbish - British Airways you suck balls. - We pre booked assistance on the way home after our first ordeal! But this then meant waiting on the (very cold) plane for another half an hour, then being wheeled to a dark hallway and being left sat there alone (no staff anywhere) for about 45 minutes. We got so fed up that Katie found a few wheelchairs and stole one- I mean if they’re not gonna help we will help ourselves… it was at that moment that the buggy arrived and faffed about for a long time and then took us through passport control etc. LONG. Would have probably been less tiring to walk but then you never know how far it is!

After hitting my head at the train station I arrived home to Sussex where my mum picked me up.

Then HOME!! Oh the joy!! Bed with my cat! YAAAASSSS!!!

Unfortunately the next day I had hospital in the morning but it was to see a consultant I’ve been waiting forever to see who is giving me a trail of some new medication.

I don’t want to get my hopes up so am trying not to think about it but my god I am PRAYING that it might just help! - I’ll let ya know ;)

So now that I am back in London I am back to trying to do small realistic tasks each day and build back up from there. It’s depressing. It’s frustrating. It’s lonely. But it has to be done.

Much love for anyone who has actually read that!!! Means so much and am just trying to turn a negative into a positive - I enjoy writing this and hope that someone in a similar situation might be able to relate, and that someone who has never heard of M.E. might gain a little understanding.

Please get in touch if you wanna chat :)

My website: www.aliceella.com

Insta: @aliceellagram

MWAH x

[spookyeyeimagery]

Massive real-talk vent incoming

Under the cut because I already feel badly enough venting in the first place i know everyone is sick of it

I have to do this here because Mom watches me on FB and I don’t want her to worry about this

It’s a week into the month and I have $20 towards the hundreds I need for my bills/rent/everything else for the month and I haven’t done ANY COMMISSIONS or gotten ANY NEW ONES because I’ve been so damn fucking busy with charity work, which is ironically the thing keeping me sane right now

I keep getting shouldered with organizing plans and I hate hate hate HATE doing it, you don’t understand how many spoons planning takes me, it’s like ALL of them just to find a fucking time for myself to meet someone. BUT I HAVE TO PLAN SO MANY THINGS TODAY and I am honestly going to puke

My period is extra heavy and I’m miserable as shit I feel like I need to sleep for 900000 hours but i don’t even have time to not work on things

Every time I think I have hope finding a part time job I won’t hate they don’t call me back or put me off and I feel like a worthless piece of garbage no matter how hard I work on things

We’re almost totally out of toilet paper and husband hasn’t the money to get more until he gets paid so I have to walk to the store and back with severe fatigue and nausea to spend money I barely have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAH GREAT

I’m so anxious lately I’m shaking apart but I can’t stop working to take care of myself, I just can’t, it’s like having an axe hanging over my head every month that is being gradually lowered like some kind of fucking financial Pit and the Pendulum

I’m not getting money back from my taxes, I OWE $286, which is gonna be handled out of my husband’s tax return but hahahaha silly me thinking I might get a little bit of a breather nope haha nope

Also I don’t talk about politics at all and people think I’m off in some la-la land but hahahaha nope actually I just know that if I actively engage besides just paying attention it will be the straw that breaks this particular camel’s back!!! But “why aren’t you talking about it???????? why don’t you care????????????? are you not scared???????” OF COURSE I AM BUT I DON’T HAVE THE SPOONS YOU HAVE TO HANDLE IT???????????

I legit hate myself every time I have to cry about money and beg for donations - which is so much lately - I got bullied and publicly shamed online for this when I was younger on a different site and now, even if it is a LEGIT EMERGENCY it feels like I’m asking people to cut off their own fingers and send them to me. and ahahahah this is the only site I can bear to do it on, and everyone else is also broke, and it’s pretty much just hopeless and I feel like a giant burden on everyone

I feel so much like people need me and rely on me but at the same time I don’t really MATTER as a person with problems because people have it so much worse than I do in the end

AND THE BEST PART IS that I am so high-functioning on the public level that people have NO IDEA HOW BAD THINGS ARE!!!! And I feel GUILTY TELLING ANYONE!!!!!!!!! 

ha

/drops the fucking mic

[weannewashere]

Something’s Gotta Give

Several years ago, when I started working as a nurse, I found myself bursting with stories to tell after every shift. I would blog almost weekly, trying to permanently record the story of that adorable pedia pre-schooler, or the surprise hospital wedding of that cancer patient, or that crazy shift with the two code blues at four in the morning. These stories - they were how I knew I enjoyed what I was doing.

Well this week I started what is, technically, a new job. And if this urge to blog about the experience is any indication, then welp, it seems like I’m off to a good start. My brain, however, is currently tired, fried and sleep-deprived and can’t think of any smooth ways to transition the random thoughts swirling around in my head right now. So instead of actually telling a story the way a decent blogger would, let me take the lazyas* way out and regale you, dear readers (all four million of you), with a week’s worth of bullet points hahaha. Alright yip yip, let’s go!

First off - it’s been hectic. I’ve been assigned a full load of teaching PLUS am expected to retain all my tasks at the Advancement Office, hence I am basically jugging two full-time jobs. This is my first time teaching all these classes too, and having to make the syllabi and lectures for four different classes from scratch every week is a complete workout for ol’ perfectionist me. My average hours of sleep this past week has been three hours/night, and unfortunately I don’t think it’ll get any easier next week. Also, sleep deprivation, apparently, makes me bruise-y, mushy, and clingy, so it’s been an interesting, slightly hypochondriac-y week.

The Centennial Celebration, which is basically my major job for the Advancement Office, is coming up in just two short weeks, and the tasks, just like all last-minute things, are piling up quickly. I’m still up to my elbows trying to get through my backlog, and yet people keep calling or coming to the office nonstop to follow-up on all the tasks they’ve asked me to do. And it doesn’t help that I only have 1/3 of the time now to do said tasks. So every time someone asks me for something, I smile and nod my head and say I’m on it, but HEAVEN HELP ME, Inner Weanne is actually a full-blown crying Jordan meme haha. And because my typical response to stress is finding my own misery hilarious, I may or may have groan-laughed my way through my to-do list.

Because my day job is keeping me incredibly busy, I have sadly had to defer a lot of the things I wanted to accomplish this month, such as my resolutions to read certain books or go on twice-weekly runs, or my plans to take swim classes or volunteer for Sen. Hontiveros. Never fear, hopes and dreams and bets I’m planning on winning, I will get right back to you mid-February!

But the thing is, I can’t really complain that much. The culture at work is so nice and friendly, and the people I work with pretty much treat me like their daughter haha. The work is overwhelming, but when two older, married fellow committee members come in to hilariously yet wisely advise me on my love life for a full hour, the stress is quickly forgotten hahaha. 

And teaching? I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I’m actually quite enjoying myself! For our first day of class, I got the kids (look at wise old me calling college students kids haha) to do this icebreaker where they each have 12 seconds to say their name, their program, their answer to a question asked by the person before them, and their question to the next person, before passing the timer on to the next person. Their questions ranged from the standard (sleep or food?) to the revealing (what is your weight?) to the impossible (if a boat was sinking, who would you save, your mom or your boyfriend?). One of my favorites was when a guy was asked who his favorite musical artist was. He couldn’t think of an answer off the top of his head, so he just burst out the name of the first singer that came to mind - JUSTIN BIEBER!!! - and then regretted it immediately hahaha. I think we shall all be calling him Justin Bieber from now on haha. One student got the question “Who will be the next Miss Universe?” and he went all, “Uhh... Uhh... Uhhh...” for a full seven seconds before going, “Uhhh... Ma’am Weanne!!!” (Ah, I think I shall give him an A.) At one point we were all in stitches because one girl panicked so hard, she just screamed throughout the entire 12 seconds hahahaha. 

But okay okay, I did some actual teaching too, okaaaay. And I think this is where the joy mainly comes in. Back in college, I was apathetic when it came to public/community health. Its concepts didn’t make me feel as intelligent as nursing concepts did, its effects on health seemed to be pretty invisible, it wasn’t lucrative at all, and like my friend once said, it seemed like public health was only about pointing at things and saying “that’s dangerous.” But now, I’m this huuuuge global health nerd who feels frisson upon seeing words like health equity, international development, and proper toilet sanitation hahaha. And it feels like I’ve been given this great opportunity and privilege to get kids excited about it as well, and to see them listen and participate eagerly when I get carried away about regularly boring things such as public health history - it’s an awesome, inspiring feeling. And suddenly, not being able to sleep the previous night becomes worth it. And I know there’ll also be discouraging days when I feel like I’m not doing a good job, days when I’ll receive blank stares in return, but here’s to hoping there are more inspiring days than indifferent ones.

I don’t know. I initially titled this blog as “Something’s Gotta Give” because I was fully expecting it to be a rant about how terribly busy this week was, but I guess in retrospect, it actually wasn’t so bad. 

But also, since I’m basically talking about the events this week, here are a few current issues in the Philippines that I particularly need to vent about:

The proposed 10-30% tax on cosmetic products to lessen taxes on fuel. Okay, I can’t even tell a concealer from a foundation or a highlighter from a blush so this law really won’t affect me much, but really now, what kind of drugs are our lawmakers on??? What kind of bullpoop discriminatory policy would tax something that makes a lot of women feel empowered because of the misguided idea that “only the rich can afford to pay for luxury items such as makeup anyway”? You want to tax something? Tax products that are a hazard to the health - soda, junk food, cigarettes! And sure, some men use makeup as well, but one can’t deny that cosmetics are disproportionately used by women. What are we taxing men on? Why can’t men take one for the team as well? (It’s a male politician pushing this law forward btw.) Also, if you’re gonna be charging me 30% more for wanting the “luxury” of not having evil bags under my eyes, then can you make sure my money goes to funding anti-poverty programs and public health and kids’ education and not this disgraceful drug war this country has been bleeding for?

The Philippines’ Miss Universe bet, Maxine Medina, and her not-so-stellar English skills. I am so disappointed... but not in Maxine. I’m disappointed in the Filipinos who have been conditioned into the elitist, colonialist thinking that English skills = intelligence = your worth as a person. I am disappointed in the people who have chosen to shame and mock her on social media, even as she works hard to make this pageant-loving country proud in a few days. It takes a special kind of bravery to do something you know you’re not good at, something you know you’re going to be criticized for, and if there’s any value that little girls could actually learn from a show that makes women strut around in a bikini, it could be that. Also, these days, I think I would be even more impressed with a Filipino who can actually speak straight fluent Tagalog than someone who speaks straight English, anyway.

Okay rants and raves done hahaha. I don’t know if I’m ready to take on next week, but hopefully it’ll give me more stories to tell and less rants to vent about haha. Overall, I’m grateful for this past week and all that mushy stuff okkkk I can’t think of nice conclusions to end this blogpost anymore hahaha. See y’all on the other side, my brain cells need to sleep.

[gingercullenboy]

i triple dare you to do all 100 get in my business questions go

that’s a great way to distract me and thank you but honestly, you killed me anon

anyways, here we go (of course i’m not gonna do all of them because let’s just be honest, that’s just impossible)

8. top 5 male fictional characters: edward cullen, jasper hale, steve rogers, jamie fraser, hamlet  

11. age: 21

13. life goal: to be a successful, famous screenwriter

15. relationship status: single as a pringle

18. phobia: dying/death

20. height: 1,55 m

27. first celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: well, it changes. it was robert pattinson when i was 12, then ian somerhalder when i was around 15 and now it’s chris evans

28. favorite ice cream: strawberry and chocolate, not together though

35. have you danced in front of your mirror: yes, i have but i don’t really need a mirror to dance lol

36. have you ever had a crush: absolutely and i deeply regret my heart’s choices

37. have you ever been dumped: by friends? yes. by a significant other? no

40. have you ever been in a fist fight: lots of times hahahaha

42. have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back: dude, this is just basically my life

48. have you ever ditched school to do something more fun: i ditched school and my idea of fun was coming back home so yeah, i have

52. have you ever kissed a picture: yes, of me (oh god, i’m fucking terrible safdhgfdjfd)

53. have you ever slept in until 3: so many times, i have nothing to do in summer

55. have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by: i do that without laying on my back, everyday

59. have you ever been lonely: this is my current state

60. have you ever fallen asleep at work/school: yeah, the last time i did that, there’d been an earthquake in the area so i’m kinda scared of sleeping at school

62. have you ever felt an earthquake: i have a strong earthquake radar, so yeah i feel whenever it happens nearby

63. have you ever touched a snake: a dead one, how cool is that????

68. have you ever hated the way you look: hell yeah, i don’t like myself at all

71. have you ever been lost: mom says i used to go out and wander around the neighborhood then couldn’t find my way back home so she had to look for me for hours

73. have you ever felt like dying: when i had my very first anxiety attack. i thought “this is it, that’s how i go, in a toilet, covered in puke. oh my god this is gross”

74. have you ever cried yourself to sleep: when zayn left 1d, i fell asleep crying, listening 1d songs

80. have you ever sang in the shower: i’m actually a thinker type, so i usually fall dead silent in the shower

82. have you ever dream that you married to someone: yes, to my celebrity crushes

87. have you ever sat on a roof top: that’s basically what i used to do for fun when i was 6 

95. have you ever laughed so hard you cried: most of the time

97. have you ever cheated on a test: countless times. i’m kinda expert on cheating on tests

98. have you ever forgotten someone’s name: yes

i tried to avoid some certain questions because they were just painful to answer and i haven’t experienced some of them, so yeah that’s it!

thanks again! you can come and talk to me whenever you want :)