#I feel like they probably don’t want to bother with the pokemon sex blog

[pkmn-smashorpass]

There was a post I saw a while back poking fun at someone who didn't like the idea of people being attracted to non-anthro pokemon and it said something to the effect of "catch me getting heat stroke under my typhlosion's fat ass."

I'll have to try and find it, it would be very thematically appropriate for this blog.

I tried finding this but I couldn’t do it by myself

@my-hobby-is-finding-the-source you don’t have to look for this if you don’t want to but I’ve been following you on my main forever and I love you you’re like a celebrity to me! Maybe you could do it!

[pokefossilclub]

FAQ

Can I send in requests for Pokemon headcanons?

Absolutely, please 100% do.

Can I send in requests for Pokemon worldbuilding and headcanons?

Please do! The pokemon themselves aren’t the only interesting thing about the setting, after all.

Can I send in requests for Pokemon care advice?

Again, absolutely, 100%. Please remember, however, I am not a vet, biologist or any kind of animal care specialist, I am talking about fake pixel animals who can turn into data and live in balls, please for the love of all that is good in the world do not apply any ‘advice’ given on this blog to real-life flesh-and-blood animals.

I don’t like your headcanons, can I send in asks explaining how you’re wrong actually?

I’d rather you didn’t, since this is a blog designed for me to set out how I, personally, see and interact with the pokemon setting. If you hate my thinking so much, block me and make your own blog; I’m not about to stop you. If, however, you are not so much refuting my headcanon as expanding on it, your addition is welcome.

Can I send in asks relating to pokephilia?

Please don’t. I’m not judging, but I’d like to keep this blog sfw. Besides, Gingko is not a sex or relationships counsellor; she can barely work out her own dating life. Asks relating to such things will be deleted.

Can I send in asks about Pokemon breeding with each other?

Yes, but, y'know, that has to be sfw as well.

Can I send in asks about how I’m super special and have multiple legendaries who are all friends with me?

Sure, but Gingko is unlikely to believe you. I am open to a certain amount of Legendary/Mythical shenaniganry here, but Gingko isn't guaranteed to immediately take everything completely seriously (and also she might want to use you as some kind of case study!).

Can I reblog your headcanon posts/answered asks?

Absolutely! Feel free to do so both in or out of any character you may have. I will reblog back from you to continue the interaction if I have something to say and/or the energy, but please don't get upset if I don't; it's not a guarantee.

Are you a roleplay blog?

In the sense that I am answering these questions in-character as the fictional Prof. Gingko, yes. However, I am not interested in officially joining any roleplay settings or starting long-form roleplays. By all means send in asks from your own roleplay characters, and short in-character reblog chains are fun, but I have no interest in spinning off long, formally structured chains. I may join events if I have the energy or am directly invited. If in doubt, contact me OOC and we’ll discuss. I am quite open to this!

Why aren’t you talking about/mentioning [insert important real-world issue here]?

Because those belong to the real world, and the real world is depressing. I like to keep my headcanoning about the Pokemon setting fundamentally benevolent and positive. Feel free to send in asks referencing covid, climate change, race relations etc and I will answer them in the spirit meant to the best of my ability, but these will not be part of any independent, background worldbuilding I do. I will also not be reblogging any OOC real-world issue posts.

I am Chinese and would like to talk to you about how you depict Professor Gingko.

Contact me privately and off anon and we’ll talk. I’m not Chinese, and if I’m inadvertently being offensive I want to know. However, if you’re just going to tell me I’m in the wrong to base Gingko’s heritage on Chinese stuff at all, I’m not interested.

Why aren’t you updating this blog?

I have mental and physical health issues; sometimes I just don’t have the energy. I’ll probably come back to it later. Sorry for keeping you hanging.

Why haven’t you answered my ask?

Maybe you ran foul of my attitude check, or your ask got eaten by Tumblr, or the inbox is pretty full, or I’m tired, or away, or any number of reasons really. If it’s super-duper bothering you, contact me off anon and I’ll try and give you an answer. Please don’t send in tons and tons of asks about it, though, or I’m just going to get annoyed.

Can I send in questions and comments directed at you, the blogrunner, and not Gingko?

Yeah, but please mark them clearly as such, and if you’re being too nosy I won’t answer. What counts as ‘too nosy’ is for me to decide, because you’re asking about me.

I think you reblogged this thing/answered this ask to the wrong blog.

Oops. Thanks for letting me know.

Did you know that the last person whose ask you answered is a TERRIBLE PERSON?

Pics or it didn’t happen

[1863-project]

I posted 1,757 times in 2022

That's 1,161 more posts than 2021!

856 posts created (49%)

901 posts reblogged (51%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@neon-moon-beam

@gummycore

@chingaderita

@autisticwolfesbrainisautistic

@shotsofnovacaine

I tagged 1,757 of my posts in 2022

#reblogs - 902 posts

#pokemon - 699 posts

#replies - 628 posts

#submas - 492 posts

#i like trains - 276 posts

#drawing - 88 posts

#art - 88 posts

#actuallyautistic - 71 posts

#autism - 71 posts

#paleontology - 64 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#seriously this is what i wake up to every morning except unlike emmet i have an abnormally large cat instead of an abnormally large spider

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Update to this post: I’m trying to actively figure out whose windup they gave him.

See, they’ve been doing this for a while now. Most famously, Volo has Hisashi Iwakuma’s extremely recognizable windup, but Hop throws like Hideo Nomo and Kabu throws like Choji Murata.

Larry has more of a sidearm throw, which is an uncommon delivery in baseball. You can see it in action here:

See the full post

1,112 notes - Posted November 21, 2022

#4

Ingo and Emmet Are Both Autistic and I Will Die On This Hill, Thank You Very Much

Hey, remember over a year ago when I wrote that post screaming into the void about how Emmet is autistic? Consider this an updated version of that post, because I really should have talked about how they both are.

Disclaimer: I am an autistic adult who went undiagnosed until age 20 despite a blatant love of steam locomotives so I don’t know how I was missed considering I had the single most stereotypical interest on the planet. (I’ll touch on that later.)

Anyhow, I’ll try to keep this brief (and will likely fail), but let’s get into how both Ingo and Emmet are autistic, actually.

this goofball Emmet

Emmet’s the more obvious one, which is why I wrote the initial post linked above. He clearly scripts, has trouble containing his sheer excitement about things (read: Doubles) to the point of bothering other people, has no filter, will happily infodump about strategy or the MTA rules if asked, and in the manga has an arm-swinging walk that’s visibly a stim if you know it. 

The scripting is evident when you fight him by himself, as his dialogue often feels stiff (in Japanese it’s more informal to contrast with his hyper-formal brother), but the line that always seals the deal for me is actually this, when Ingo asks him to put in a few words before a Multi Battle:

See the full post

2,056 notes - Posted February 15, 2022

#3

A Brief Submas Primer

Did you just find out about the Pokemon franchise’s most popular battle facility since the Battle Frontier because of a plot point in Legends: Arceus? Were you curious because your friends were talking about some weird train man and you have no idea what they’re on about? Worry no longer, because this mole person has you covered.

What the hell is Submas?

The term ‘Submas’ is a portmanteau of their Japanese trainer class title, Subway Masters (in English releases, they got the trainer class title Subway Boss). Note that I’m saying “they” - there are, in fact, two of them, and they’re twins.

Ingo (Nobori) is the older of the two of them, specializing in Singles. He speaks overly politely/formally (more obvious in Japanese), has no indoor voice, will yell “BRAVO!” the second anything remotely good or exciting happens, has an overbearing sense of responsibility (it’s an older sibling thing, trust me), and became an accidental sex symbol on Pixiv (don’t ask, he probably doesn’t know either). He’s best known for being the “serious” one and notably has not been allowed to smile in-game to this day, although he was allowed in the anime and manga to be more expressive. He makes up for this by being very, very loud.

See the full post

4,080 notes - Posted February 3, 2022

#2

Nintendo NYC had an egg incubator bag so I am now hatching Joltiks in the NYC Subway, just as Emmet would want us all to.

7,019 notes - Posted April 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

In case anyone is wondering what real-world train drama is going on, there’s this.

The tl;dr is that Amtrak wants to run two passenger trains per day round-trip (4 runs total) between Mobile, Alabama and New Orleans, Louisiana, restoring a service that hasn’t been there since Hurricane Katrina in 2005. CSX and Norfolk Southern, two major freight train companies, have resisted this idea, saying it would mess up their traffic, especially since Amtrak’s passenger trains would get priority (by government decree, believe it or not).

So now Amtrak is on Twitch streaming the line to prove the line isn’t too busy for them to run passenger trains.

I’m wheezing.

41,186 notes - Posted April 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[kinkymagnus]

I have a question and I hope it’s not offensive as I am just genuinely curious, but why does trans magnus always wear panties? I ask because all the trans men I know (my brother, for example and i’m super close to him so most of what I’ve learned of the trans experience has been from him but i’m aware there are different experiences) wear boxer briefs, with my brother in particular I know that was the first change he made when transitioning and was super important to him because wearing underwear targeted at women was a big trigger for his dysphoria. In these fics are we operating under the belief that magnus would be a trans person who doesn’t experience dysphoria? Or do some trans men who do experience dysphoria just not care about underwear because at the end of the day it’s just a piece of material? Again I hope this isn’t rude, i’m just trying to learn different perspectives.

I'm gonna be real bro I just based it off my own experiences which means like. huh flexible dysphoria. some days i want absolutely no tiddies, some days I'm all good. some days i like pretty lacy things some days I'd rather die. sometimes it's a mix. I don't have much bottom dysphoria in general (partially why words like pussy and clit don't bother me, although it's also partially just I don't like the alternative words like "slit"), although it can strike sometimes especially when menstruating, and like, I'd be fine with most of the things I write. (The things I wouldn't do myself aren't gender related, so much as "love reading that kink--wouldnt do it tho" probably bc I don't trust like that lmao)

but in this particular instance i write about it a lot specifically as a sex thing, and part of the reason it IS sexy is bc its like, ah, man in panties ;) it's got that light like humiliation (???)/forbiddenness in addition to just being aesthetically pleasing, and it's kind of almost a rebellion like yes, even a trans man in panties, it's still a Man in panties. like wearing nail polish bc that's not just for girls u kno but it's still genderfucky? and if a guy wears it it has a certain Vibe and it doesn't change if the guys trans, it doesn't mean he's "Reverting Back To Girl" or some shit, and it's the same with dresses and makeup and the panties

personally I don't think he'd necessarily wear them every day under his clothes, but I can see why you'd think that from my blog since I mention it a lot. same with dresses, but that's just bc this is a porn blog, so I'm writing about him having fun sex (and therefore often he may or may not be prepared with pretty panties when normally he may have worn boxer briefs or whatever) and im not really focused so much on talking about dysphoria and serious shit that is kinda depressing, cos this is my fun porn blog, yknow? I talk more about things that make him (or me!) feel good

for the record tho a) gender euphoria. also i feel like while I can't do this cos I'm not like, medically transitioned so I still unfortunately look pretty smol and feminine, but since magnus has got like a full sexy man body, that'd make shit like panties work all the better, bc personally if I looked like that, being able to wear ultra feminine shit and still look like a man, like a man in panties, would be incredibly validating

b) I'd also be totally open to magnus without dysphoria tho! I kno its another target on my back with the "You're actually a girl"/"you're not a real trans" crowd, but like, you don't need dysphoria to be trans, and truscum can suck my dick. and don't leave an unfunny "what dick?" joke in my inbox it's not original

anyway more broadly speaking, personally I wouldn't care too much about more feminine undies unless it was a Bad Day, but I prefer like more "masculine" underwear just because it's more comfortable. panties r great but I don't like wearing them on a daily basis or for long periods of time bc they tend to annoy me. like, itchy lace, or it's a constant ever so slight wedgie--idk maybe I just haven't found the right size yet but I'm fine with my pokemon boxers or whatever so I haven't bothered. I'll still wear them sometimes but only if I'm really in the mood to "feel pretty"

but it could be really important to other people with worse dysphoria, and that is totally valid and makes sense. it's not that it's "just a piece of material" it's just for me personally it doesn't always bother me, and in the case of Magnus, I big time project (plus, I mean. magnus sexy in panties and this is a blog all about magnus being sexy. just sayin)

hope that helps?? I just woke up and typed this on mobile so I hope it's coherent

[im-bipolar-but-thats-okay]

Love, Pt 3.

Like a bad DBZ episode it has taken us awhile to get to the end of my love life. So grab your boo or your favorite Pokemon stuffed animal and snuggle up for my great finale.

The One I Can’t Let Go Why can’t I let go? Well because on paper he is perfect. He is devilishly handsome, actually used to model. He is funny and goofy. He likes all the same stuff I do, Pokemon and Star Wars. He is intelligent and always keeps a good conversation. His smile makes me smile and his laugh makes me laugh. He has a good career and is even going to school. He is my perfect sexual match. PERFECT. He makes me feel taken care of and like I don’t need to worry about anything because he is going to make sure it is okay. He is a good father to his Pitbull, and she is just as adorable as he is. But the demon hurt him. I hurt him. And things were never the same. I don’t fully blame myself. He has a lot of issues, too. When he is upset, he pushes me away. I cannot tell you how many times he has broken up with me. When he is mad, he is cold. He went as far as to call my knuckle tattoos trashy. Asshole, those are one of my favorite tattoos. I could easily fill a notebook with the ways he has hurt me, like the time he abandoned me in New York City. I could easily fill a notebook with the ways I hurt him, like the time I destroyed his apartment. And I could easily fill a notebook about the things I love about him, like the way he always wants to sit next to me at a restaurant and not across from me. Or the way he says my name in Spanish. Or the way he winks at me and it always makes me blush. I even love the story of how we met. Probably should have started there but here we go. I was drunk off my ass, hanging out with a girlfriend in downtown Denton. We had leftovers from our dinner, but we were too lazy to walk back to the car. As we were approaching the venue for a show my friend of a friend’s band was going to play at, I raised the box above my head and said, “Does anyone want this food?” A husky man replied, “Is it poisoned?” The husky man was his friend. There were three of them. They were there to see their friend’s band play. We talked a little but then my girlfriend and I went inside. I was dancing and having fun when they found us. My girlfriend was trying to flirt with him, and I was in my own little world. I had no idea he was looking at me the whole night. Eventually, he bought me a shot and I proceeded to make out with him. He asked for my number and I said no. Instead, I added him on Facebook. For some reason, drunk me thought it was safer to add him than to give him my number. My girlfriend and I disappeared into the night to another bar. He messaged me that he had to leave but wanted to see me before he left. I gave him the wrong bar name, not on purpose. I was really fucked up. But he eventually found me. I was flirting with another guy at a table. He walked right up to me and gave me the most passionate kiss. The other guy stormed off. To be honest, I did not think much of the One I Can't Let Go at first. I really saw him as just another guy who wanted to fuck me. Conceited, I know. The first time we actually hung out, and I was sober, I fell in love almost instantly. He was so much deeper than I had thought. Fast-forward to three years later, so much pain and so much happiness. Most of my family and friends don't like him. Most of his family and friends don't like me. But I don’t care. I still love him. As I type through my tears, I know his darkness is not enough for me to let him go.

The Speed Bump Last but not least. Actually, yeah. He is the least. Fuck him. He dumped me because of my depression/bipolar and my alcohol problems. The last time I broke up with the One I Can’t Let Go it was because we seem to want different things for our future. I actually don’t think he knows what he wants for his future. Anyways, I went on a hunt for someone basically just like him on several dating apps. I even tried Chispa. (Chispa is a dating app for Latinos. Chispa means spark in Spanish.) I met the Speed bump on Bumble. At first, I felt medium about him. His pictures were okay. They showed a goofy side but no clear pics of his face. What really got me was his bio. It seemed like he was actually looking for a real relationship and not just a hook up. We talked a bit but things kind of slowed down. I was connecting more with another guy. When my uncle died from Covid, I was silent on all my apps for a day or two while I cried and took depression naps. Then I started talking to Speed bump again. I needed to not feel alone. The second time around we really hit it off. We started hanging out almost every day. He even took me on a trip to Austin for my birthday. I was slowly falling in love even though we had only dated for 3 months. It wasn’t anything like the One I Can’t Let Go. It was calmer, tame. But for a while it was really nice. I started to daydream about a future with a husband and Spanish-speaking babies again. But things turned dark one night. I got too drunk, big surprise. I made a mistake or, rather, several. He didn’t talk to me for 2 days. When he finally did, I thought we came out stronger than ever. But I guess I didn’t change fast enough for him. Then I started my blog and I think that scared him away too. He dumped me and it was bad. We were at a restaurant! We spent the whole day together. I actually thought we were having a good day, but I guess he was just trying to hold it in, and he couldn’t anymore. I’m still pretty bitter about the whole situation. A part of me feels betrayed and I feel like he was blaming me for a lot of his own issues. I was really hurt by it, but not hurt enough to put a hex on him. Now, I’m going to use this opportunity to be petty and talk shit. First, he had really bad teeth. I actually almost didn’t go out on a second date with him because his teeth were so bad. It really bothered me in the beginning and I wish I would’ve listened to my shallow end that time. I mean, I am horrible at brushing my teeth, but, daaaaaamn, they were bad. Sometimes he pooped without flushing. I witnessed this twice. Like WTF. You are way too old to not be flushing the toilet. His car was really shitty. He had just bought a house, so I guess he didn’t have a lot of money for a new car, but he also had two roommates who paid rent. I just feel like at 30 years old, we should not be worrying if your car is going to start or not. The sex was blah. It was good, but it was very vanilla. And one of the biggest things I struggled with was that his stepped and brother were racist. They dropped the N-word a lot and with the "-er" at the end. He was just okay with it? I don’t fully understand how you can just be okay with it. The first time I heard his brother say that, I was mortified. I was so upset I ran to his room and started crying. I had to call my really good friend who is black but also basically my little brother. He calmed me down and told me to get out of there. The Speed bump told me he wanted his brother to be “comfortable” in his own home, which I guess means you get free rein to be a racist. I don’t know, man. It made it really hard to be around his family though and made me question him. You know what? It was short-lived, but it wasn’t too bad. I think it brought my attention towards my struggle with alcohol, so I guess that’s a good thing. Now that I look back, I'm kind of glad it is over and didn't last long. That is why he is called the Speed bump.

So that’s it! All the guys I have ever dated. The ones I loved and the one I didn’t. Fifteen years of dating and I have made many mistakes. I’ve lived many lives and I definitely have plenty of stories to tell. What is next? I don’t know. We will see. Maybe in a couple of months I will make a new post about the next guy who broke my heart. 

[tr-u-ce]

All of the get in my businesses!!!

YASSSSS

The meaning behind my url: Uh I was a 21p blog ages ago and truce is a v meaningful song so I haven’t really thought to change it to anything else to be honest

A picture of me: :^)

How many tattoos i have and what they are: I have none bc I’m both poor and a little bitch

Last time i cried and why: I think it was probably yesterday because I’m stressed about EVERYTHING

Piercings i have: I sorta have my ears pierced but I haven’t put earrings in them for over 10 years so they’ve p much closed up lmao rip

Favorite band: UHHH idk I haven’t listened to music properly in so long because I’ve had exams but I’m always going to be stanning The 1975 and Bastille until I die and I’m so in love w/ the Lumineers so?

Biggest turn offs: people that r just a bit too silly n stupid, being hurt and stuff, um idk 

Top 5 (Polish words): (in no particular order lmao omg I don’t have an awful lot to choose from) Chleb, Nie, miłość, jajko, żaba

Tattoos i want: I wan’t a little yin yang or mb like just a yin idk, um also I want all the lyrics to Eat Pierogi written on my forehead

Biggest turn ons: IDK I’m a baby lmao but um being nice to me lol idk um being dominant I need to be told what to do 24/7 lmao

Age: 18 but mentally about 5

Ideas of a perfect date: Walking a lot somewhere pretty like a forest or something and then going home and ordering chinese food

Life goal: To live in Poland and be able to speak the language well enough to be able to work as a nurse there

Piercings i want: Definitely my ears again, other than that I don’t think I can be bothered to get any more

Relationship status: Very much in a relationship

Favorite movie: I DON’T KNOW every time I watch a new film it becomes my favourite

A fact about my life: Uhh idk it’s not very interesting at the minute but hopefully I should be moving out soon and by hopefully I mean very very hopefully

Phobia: Flying, also like creepy crawlies walking all over me

Middle name: Leigh I guess

Height: Like 5′5 pretty much

Are you a virgin? Nop

What’s your shoe size? 5 I’m a baby

What’s your sexual orientation? I guess I’m graysexual but I just say I’m ace it’s easier

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs? I drink sometimes that’s about it

Someone you miss: Josh lol what’s new also my BAB

What’s one thing you regret? Taking Biology and Chemistry at A Level and wasting two years of my life

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: Alex Lawther, 

Favorite ice cream? EEE cookie dough

One insecurity: My stomach I hate it I want to cut it off

What my last text message says: ahhh okay xxxx

Have you ever taken a picture naked? lol yeah

Have you ever painted your room? No :(

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? Like at parties

Have you ever slept naked? Yeah like twice

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? Way too many times

Have you ever had a crush? Way too many times

Have you ever been dumped? twice

Have you ever stole money from a friend? No erm

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? I mean I have taken several taxis in my life but other than that I don’t think so no

Have you ever been in a fist fight? Not that I remember

Have you ever snuck out of your house? Yeah to play pokemon go 

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? yes lol

Have you ever been arrested? uhhh no I am a very law abiding citizen

Have you ever made out with a stranger? no :/

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Does this literally mean have you ever met up with a male somewhere because yes?

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents? Yes to play pokemon go

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor? …no

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun? Once me and Imogen were really late to school so we thought go big or go home and just got breakfast from the coop and ate it in the common room before signing in lmao

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? yeah plenty?

Have you ever seen someone die? I don’t think so as far as I can remember

Have you ever been on a plane? Twice and they were traumatic experiences 

Have you ever kissed a picture? uhhh I don’t recall doing so but I’m sure I probably have like as a little kid

Have you ever slept in until 3? uhhh I don’t think so (?) I might have done after a really late night w/ Luke

Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now? What the fuck does this mean like either way yes but ??

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yeah once I did it at primary school and I thought that that was how fast the world was spinning and I got really really like disoriented and threw up or smth

Have you ever made a snow angel? no :(

Have you ever played dress up? yes lmao wtf I was a little girl ofc i did

Have you ever cheated while playing a game? I play a lot of monopoly so it’s far to say….. yes

Have you ever been lonely? NOOOOOO

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school? I think like I’ve only fallen asleep once and that was in a German lesson watching a film after I’d done my first ever all-nighter

Have you ever been to a club? no:(

Have you ever felt an earthquake? yess twice they were p anticlimactic because both times I didn’t realise it was an earthquake until after

Have you ever touched a snake? I don’t think (?) so, not unless I was really young

Have you ever ran a red light? Not personally but I’ve been in plenty of vehicles that have bc we just don’t give a fuck around here

Have you ever been suspended from school? nope, almost though

Have you ever had detention? Never actually had a proper detention in my entire school career how sad is that

Have you ever been in a car accident? Not really I’ve been in one where we broke down and somebody hit the back of us really slowly

Have you ever hated the way you look? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

Have you ever witnessed a crime? I mean probably, I think I’ve seen a lot of people stealing shit

Have you ever pole danced? No but a girl can dream

Have you ever been lost? Probably yeah

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country? Many times

Have you ever felt like dying? Many times

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Lmao many times

Have you ever sang karaoke? nope!

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Definitely I can’t think of a specific example though bc my entire life is just ‘hannah no’ ‘hannah yes’

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Not that I can recall but probably

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger? nope

Have you ever kissed in the rain? yess

Have you ever sang in the shower? nope:/

Have you ever made out in a park? I think I probably have

Have you ever dream that you married someone? I don’t think I have as far as like I can remember

Have you ever glued your hand to something? uh no

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? ….no?

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked? I mean once I went in a very short dress my legs were v naked

Have you ever been a cheerleader? noooo

Have you ever sat on a roof top? Kinda I’ve sat on like a shed lmao

Have you ever brush your teeth? no, not once in 18 years

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? I’m v often too scared to watch scary movies alone

Have you ever played chicken? no because I’m not stupid

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No I’ve literally never met anybody that owns a pool

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? Yeah bc men r weird

Have you ever broken a bone? No my bones may be bad but they ain’t snakes

Have you ever been easily amused? I’m always way too easily amused tbh

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Definitely 

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? I mean my boyfriend yes

Have you ever cheated on a test? Yes and that’s why I won’t pass Biology

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name? Yeah I forgot my patient’s name and called them smth else and felt rly shit

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real? I’ve met many people who are too stupid to actually be real

Give us one thing about you that no one knows. I’m so oversharing I acc can’t think of something nobody in the world knows um mb that I’m ace? I mean I didn’t piece that one together myself for like 18 years lol

[ltjlily17]

To be young and in love in New York City...

Do you flush the toilet with your hand or your foot?:

I literally picked this survey because of how STEAMED this question makes me. You people are seriously walking on the dirty bathroom floor and then using that shoe to flush toilets? The same toilet that I’m flushing with my hand and then touching the bathroom door with? What exactly are you accomplishing there? You’ve actually made the toilet handle more gross and then just touched it anyway on the door. Come on, common sense.

What is your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? 

Man, I don’t know. I’ve like taken this thing online but for the life of me cannot remember what the results were. Theres a type of person that knows what these things mean, and I’m the other type, ha.

Do you read any blogs? If so, which ones?: 

No? Do people blog? I read peoples survey responses on Tumblr. 

Where do you typically buy your clothes?: 

The internet. Almost exclusively, even before the pandemic. So many places that carry plus sized clothes online, just don’t in store, or have such a tiny selection it isn’t worth it. I’m looking at you, Anthropologie.

On a scale of one to ten, how healthy do you eat?: 

Um, 5 maybe? I have celiac disease and I stick to a dedicated gluten free diet, so thats healthy. Currently, I am gestating and have some serious food aversions, so I eat whatever I want when I want it. 

What do you think is the most valuable college major?: 

I think the most valuable depends on what is right for the person. 

Which book(s) should I read this summer?: 

Summer is over homie. May I suggest some Stephen King for fall? The Outsiders feels kinda fally to me. Rebecca, for sure. 

Would you rather have curvy legs or skinny legs?: 

Curvy. I don’t think my legs could be anything else, but curvy appeals to me more anyway.

Do you believe in ghosts? If so, have you ever seen one?:

My friends and I did see a man who was somewhat unexplainable once, but I still can’t say I believe. I really just belive when you die that’s it, so it kind of rules out the possibility of ghosts. Just people ascribing fears to something.

What is your favorite game show?:

None, lol.

How many times a day do you use the restroom?: 

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant, so every 30 minutes, ha ha.

How much fruit do you eat on a given day?: 

Not a lot. My husband buys a lot of fruit, but I rarely eat it. Right now, most fruits makes me wanna barf, but thats just a pregnancy thing.

What was the last thing that made you cringe?: 

Hmmm. I don’t know. It’s been awhile since something made me cringe I guess. I’m not around many people these days.

What is your favorite 80s movie?: 

DIRTY DANCING

What time did you go to bed last night?:

12:15.

Do you have your own car?: 

Yes-ish. Feels weird to say, but we just bought a car and both my husband and I are on the loan, so in the banks eyes it belongs to both of us, ha ha.

Do you own a romper?: 

I bought one once and have no idea why. I never wore it. Why would anyone want a garment that requires basically stripping down naked to pee? Also, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen one that didn’t look like the shorts weren’t too short and possibly giving a front wedgie.

Who was the last person who drew you a picture?: 

Koehler, my best friends son. It was Pusheen, but in different pokemon types. Very inventive. Hangining on the fridge.

When someone takes your picture, do you smile with mouth open or closed?: Oh man, either way it just always looks like I’m uncomfortable. 

Be honest -- do you floss?:

No. I have this permanent bottom retainer that is cemented in and requires some special loop thing to get floss under it and I absolutely never bother. I should, I know.

Five years ago, what did you want to grow up to be?: 

Hmmm, I think I was thinking about becoming a project manager around that time. I thought about it for a bit, then did some research and got a lot of study materials so I could study for a certification. After a year or so, I got certified and then left the place I had been working for 15 years to become a project manager. And I hated it. Ha.

What do you want to be now?: 

I do not know what my future holds professionally. I’m getting ready to have a baby, so I’m not going to get a new job any time soon. I think I’d probably prefer to just continue handling our real estate projects and not go back to the corporate life.

Would you rather hold a scorpion or a snake?: 

Scorpion, I think. I don’t want to touch a snake and I’ve held a tarantula before and I feel like thats probably similar to a scorpion.

Can you do the splits?: 

When I was younger.

What is your favorite type of personality in a person?: 

Down for anything, spontaneous.

How about your least favorite?: 

People who subtly let on that they think they are better than everyone else.

What is your favorite breakfast cereal?:

I don’t really eat cereal. Every once in a while, I’ll buy a box of Reese’s whatever they ares and eat them dry like a snack. I don’t do soggy so def no milk.

How do you usually get your exercise?: 

I don’t. Ha ha. 

Who are your godparents?: 

No one. 

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?: 

Cookies and cream. 

Are any of your siblings married?:

I don’t have any siblings. My husband has two brothers, but neither is married.

What does your phone case look like, if you have one?:

I am testing fate and do not have a phone case. It’s like once you no longer enjoy the phone, why have a case?

What is something about you that the opposite sex finds attractive?:

I think my strong will or sassy nature.

What are your three favorite girl names?: 

Well, we are naming the baby Clementine, so thats the favorite.

What are your three favorite boy names?: 

I really liked Archer for a boy.

What do you usually put in your omelettes?: 

Feta.

Have you ever tried to go vegetarian? How long did you last?: 

I was pretty close to being vegetarian growing up. I just didn’t like the taste and texture of 99% of meat.

What kind of exotic animal do you think you could keep as a pet?: 

I wouldn’t because I know it wouldn’t be fair to them. But man, I’d love to have most anything as a pet.

If you could be any kind of building, what would you be and why?: 

A craftsman style house. Attention to detail, homey, maybe some secret passages.

What is your favorite type of dog?: 

I’ve got this corgi and hes pretty great.

What is something you can draw really well?: 

Hmmm. I don’t know. I’ve never concentrated on just one thing.

What is your favorite fast food joint?: 

I don’t really eat at any fast food places. They don’t really serve gluten free food.

[ju1ian]

evens for julian and odds for your legion courier (b/c i hate you)

thanks im on my way to your house to kill you !!!! 

evens are gonna be for my Sole Survivor Julian who has a tag on my blog i dont feel like linking but its OC: Julian if yall wanna read up on thatand odds are gonna be for….. Julius, the worst ever!! i regret giving them similar names now ! 

Which Fallout game are they from?-Fallout: New Vegas !! a real trash courier !!

Which faction(s) did they join and which did they destroy? Why?-Julian joined the Brotherhood of Steel and also the Minutemen and he destroyed the Railroad, because he didn’t like them, and The Institute, because he was pissed the hell off at his son. He joined the Minutemen because he wanted to do something nice, and he joined the Brotherhood of Steel because he needed that familiar military aesthetic. 

What is their S.P.E.C.I.A.L.?- S 10, P 2, E 7, C 10, I 2, A 5, L 1 (something like that i cant remember and im not looking at it rn)

Give us a summary of their backstory.- Julian gets discharged from the army for an injury in his shoulder two weeks before the bombs fall, he’s suffering from depression when he returns home and his marriage is sort of going south. He’s also really afraid of being a father because he thinks he’s a bad person incapable of doing anything good. 

What’s their full name and does it have a meaning? Do they have any nicknames and how did they get em?- Julius Septimus is his full name and Caesar gave it to him because he didn’t know what his name was and was just going by Courier. He doesn’t have any friends to give him nicknames but Vulpes calls him Degenerate a lot and he likes it. 

What’s their sexual, romantic, and gender orientation? Do they feel comfortable telling other people?- Julian is Bisexual and Biromantic, he identifies as a male and before the war he was closeted and was very afraid of telling anyone but after the war he is out and proud ! 

Do they have any mental illnesses? How do they cope?-Julius suffers from Bipolar Disorder and he does not cope very well. 

Do they have any medical conditions? Is medicine/ treatment available for them?- Julian has a bad shoulder but it doesn’t bother him too much. He has depression but there isn’t any real medicine to help him besides chems. 

How much do they care about their outer appearance? What’s their “beauty routine”? How often do they shower/ bathe?- Julius bathes when Vulpes bathes. he likes his hair to be combed without knots but thats all. His outer appearance doens’t mean very much to him. 

What do they fear the most?- Julian fears himself the most. 

They’re biggest flaw? Do they recognize it as a flaw?- Julius’ biggest flaw is his stupidity, and he does not see it as a flaw. 

What are they most insecure about?- Julian is insecure about his lips, they are large. 

What Wasteland threat do they fear the most? (ex. Deathclaws, super mutants, raiders)- GOD JULIUS IS TERRIFIED OF DEATH CLAWS AND CENTAURS 

What’s their zodiac sign or which one do you think they relate to the most? What are their placements (if you know them)? (ex. Aries sun, Taurus moon, Aquarius Venus)- Julian is a taurus because im a tuarus and i dont know who he would relate tot he most because i dont know that much about zodiac signs 

What’s their Myers–Briggs Type? (ex. ENTP, ISFJ)- i have no idea what this is tbh. 

What Harry Potter house would they be in? (ex. Gryffindor, Ravenclaw)- i didn’t real harry potter !!! all i know is that i myself took the sorting hat thing and got slytherin and since i project onto Julian A LOT he is probably also a slytherin. 

Which Pokemon Go team would they choose? (ex. Instinct, Valor, Mystic)- Julius would have chosen Instinct.

Out of the nine forms of intelligence (rhythmic, spatial, linguistic, mathematical, kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic, and existential) which one(s) are they really good at and which one(s) is(are) their weakest?- Julian is good at: rythmic, inguistic, mathematic, and kinesthetic and weak at all the rest. 

What natural alignment are they? (ex. Lawful Good, Chaotic Evil)- Julius is chaotic evil without a doubt. 

Do they have any hobbies? What are they?- Julian collects magazines, and also dogs. He loves to spend time with all 8 of his dogs, he also loves to build things with Danse. 

Do they have a favorite holiday? How do they celebrate it?- Julius has no idea what a holiday is. 

What’s their favorite season?- Julian likes winter time. 

Do they have a temper or are they level headed?- Julius has the worst temper out of anyone in the Legion and that is a statement. 

Do they express their emotions freely or hide their true feelings?- Julian has a hard time expressing his emotions and tends to let them pile up until he has a breakdown. 

Are they a leader or a follower?- Julius is a follower for sure. But only if he likes you. 

How do they come off to others? What first impression do they usually make?- Julian comes off as a good person because that’s how he wants to come off. People tend to take a liking to him really easily. 

Do they prefer to travel alone or with company? Who have they traveled with if any? Current companion if any?- Julius preferred to travel with Arcade who was his only companion in the whole Mojave until he tried to leave him and had to die so now Julius stays alone when he’s not at The Fort with Vulpes. 

Would you describe them as selfless or selfish? Does it depend on the situation?- Depends on the situation. 

What do they find most attractive in others? Name at least one psychological and physical trait. (doesn’t have to be romantic attraction)- Julius likes pale skin, and smooth thighs. He also likes bossy, and thin. 

Do they flirt often? How easily do they fall in love?- Julian doesn’t exactly ‘flirt’ often but he does end up having a lot of sex. he didn’t really fall in love with anyone besides Danse though. 

What’s their love life like? Are they interested in anyone or in a relationship?- Julius is obsessed with Vulpes and would do anything for him. He hasn’t even thought of being romantically involved with anyone else 

Do they prefer to solve things diplomatically or using violence?- Julian resorts to violence more than he’d like to admit. 

What is their combat style? What range do they prefer? Do they sneak?- Julius’ combat style is hard and loud. He doesn’t sneak or really plan he just sort of barges in swinging. 

What weapon(s) do they always carry with them?- Julian always has Righteous Authority with him and also the Railway Rifle 

Their most prized possession?- A Light Shining in Darkness 

Their thoughts on power armor?- Julian loves to wear Power Armor. 

Favorite armor/ outfit?- Julius likes to wear the clothes Joshua Graham gave him but Vulpes always gets mad at him for wearing them EVEN THOUGH Caesar told him he LIKES when he wears those clothes and he doesn’t even care. (he wears the boomers outfit too) 

How’s their aim? Do their hands shake while pointing a gun?- Julian has super good aim from his military training. Could probably be a sniper. 

What are their thoughts on having to kill on a daily bases in order to survive? Does it take a toll on them? Or do they shake it off rather easily?- Julius has no problem killing on a daily basis. He gets agitated if he goes too long without violence. 

Thoughts on death if any? (ex. Fear it, accept it)- Julian accepts death. 

Do they move around a lot or prefer to have a place to call home?- Julius moved around a lot until he got his own tent at The Fort. 

What’s their favorite location?- Warren Theatre in downtown Boston !! nice and quiet !! also Starlight Drive-In becuase that’s where he lives !! 

Their opinions on ghouls, feral and not feral?- Not Feral are fine, Feral are scary and gross to him. 

Do they scavenge for their supplies or simply buy them?-Julian has more caps than he knows what to do with so he buys supplies. 

Are they the type to get distracted and go off to an unknown nearby location or do they stay on track?- Julius gets distracted and wanders off and Vulpes has to go find him. 

How do they sleep? Are they picky about where and how or can they sleep basically anywhere?- Julian isn’t picky but he prefers to sleep in his home at Starlight. He can make-do anywhere though. 

What’s their favorite radio station and song? (post-apocalypse)- Mad About The Boy because it reminds him of Vulpes. 

What’s their favorite post-apocalyptic food? Are they a picky eater? Do they know how to cook?- Julian don’t know how to cook !! he likes Dandy Boy Apples because he’s a fool who isn’t bothered by radiation poisoning until its severe ! 

What’s their favorite beverage? Do they drink alcohol?Julius will drink 30 Sunset Sarsaparillas in an hour and not even be bothered by how unhealthy it is. he isn’t supposed to drink alcohol but he does it in secret !! 

Do they have any tag skills?- i dont think so?

Anything they like to collect? (ex. Unique weapons, Bobbleheads)- Julius collects eyeglasses. like really, he has so many. he doesnt even wear glasses he just always picks them up. 

Are they good at disarming traps or do they constantly miss them?- oh my god Julian is shit at disarming traps. like so shit. he just sets them off and he doesnt even care. 

[rkpcy]

NAME  sebastian park / park chanyeol NICKNAME  seb, bas, yeol, yeollie, that idiot over there REASON FOR NAME english: named after his father---he doesn’t know this, though BIRTHDAY  november 27, 1995 AGE  21 GENDER  male PLACE OF BIRTH  los angeles, california, usa PLACES LIVED SINCE  from birth to 18: los angeles, california, usa / present: seoul, south korea PARENTS’ NAMES, BACKGROUNDS, OCCUPATIONS

birth father: sebastian kim, location and profession unknown. he fled town when ella became pregnant---she was 16 and he was 21.

stepfather: dean johnson, deceased. he met ella at a grocery store and is the father of the twins, michael and matthew. he’d been five years sober when he was involved in a hit and run in 2010.

mother: ella park, 40, masseuse. she moved to the united states with her parents when she was 6 and was kicked out by her father after becoming pregnant at 16. she was then taken in by her friend’s family for a year until her mother left her father and came to take care of her. she then got a job at her mother’s friend’s spa.

NUMBER OF SIBLINGS ( 2 )

michael park, 11. he’s the spitting image of chanyeol in both personality and ear size. a class clown and constantly getting notes sent home for talking too much during class. last year, he asked chanyeol for an xbox for christmas but got a 3ds and pokemon sun and moon instead. he loves it.

matthew park, 11. a little quieter than his two siblings, taking after his mother in that sense, but enjoys the same type of humor that chanyeol and michael enjoy. studious and smart, wears glasses. for christmas, he asked chanyeol to make a donation in his name, and chanyeol did just that, donating $500 usd to dogs without borders.

OTHER IMPORTANT FIGURES

grandmother: eunice lee, deceased. was put into an arranged marriage and moved to los angeles with her husband. she finally got up the courage to leave him after years of emotional abuse due to an argument regarding their daughter. when chanyeol was fourteen, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. two years after a successful mastectomy, she went into remission and eventually passed away from it.

RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY  chanyeol is extremely close with family, and values the bond, holding it with utmost importance. the reason he held two jobs was to help his mother out with finances, especially after his grandmother passed away. he knows that the only reason he is the person he is today is because he had family to take care of him and show him the right path, so he is eternally grateful. everything he does is for them, and any major decisions he has to make, he makes with his family in mind. HAPPIEST MEMORY ( 2007 )  his twin little brothers are born / ( 2011 ) enrolled in inner-city arts / ( 2015 ) gets a job at a recording company / ( 2017 ) signed to trc entertainment CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ( 1995 ) father abandons him and his mother / ( 2010 ) his stepfather dies in a car accident / ( 2010 ) arrested for posession and intent to sell / ( 2012 ) grandmother passes away

〈 PHYSICAL 〉 +

HEIGHT  186 cm / 6′1 WEIGHT  78 kg / 172 lbs BUILD athletic; toned and defined muscles, strong shoulders, slim waist, 9.4% body fat NATIONALITY  american ETHNICITY  korean DISABILITIES mild dyslexia COMPLEXION  clear; two tattoos along his right forearm: suaviter in modo, fortiter in re meaning “gently in manner, strongly in deed; solum omnium lumen meaning “the sun shines everywhere” ( x ) ( x ); done on the day he left la for seoul FACE SHAPE long DISTINGUISHING FACIAL FEATURES  dimple on left cheek, big smile, huge ears HAIR COLOR  black USUAL HAIR STYLE  depends on his mood, can range anywhere from the “i woke up like this” tousled hair style to a proper “clark kent” 3/4 split EYE COLOR  brown GLASSES? CONTACTS? he wears fake glasses sometimes, even though he has 20/20 vision STYLE OF DRESS/TYPICAL OUTFIT(S)  street style; hoodies & jeans, snapbacks, letterman jackets, sneakers TYPICAL STYLE OF SHOES running shoes, converse high tops, nikes, canvas shoes HEALTH  excellent; treats his body like a temple GROOMING  five minute showers, face washing and brushing teeth in the morning and at night ACCENT? none; bilingual since he could speak UNIQUE MANNERISMS/PHYSICAL HABITS laughs in all situations, smiles and looks around when he’s confused, leans back into chairs and extends his legs, doesn’t wear pants at home ATHLETIC? very; exercises every day at the trc and seocho buildings, enjoys most sports

〈 INTELLECT 〉 +

LEVEL OF EDUCATION  graduated high school in 2013, currently attending online lessons at sungkyungkwan university LEVEL OF SELF ESTEEM outwardly: 11/10; inwardly: varies GIFTS/TALENTS composing/producing, writing, rapping, guitar, piano SHORTCOMINGS  finds it hard to comprehend theoretical/ambiguous ideas and has a short attention span, also sucks at math STYLE OF SPEECH  speaks simply in normal, everyday conversations, but is very eloquent when he writes, can also be very persuasive LANGUAGES fluent in korean and english, can curse in many others “LEFT BRAIN” OR “RIGHT BRAIN” THINKER?  right brain ARTISTIC? completely MATHEMATICAL? not at all MAKES DECISIONS BASED MOSTLY ON EMOTIONS, OR ON LOGIC?  it depends on what he’s making a decision about; mostly emotionally based on day to day decisions, for decisions that affect him long term, still mostly emotional, but also largely logical NEUROSES  none LIFE PHILOSOPHY  "do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” RELIGIOUS STANCE  atheist CAUTIOUS OR DARING?  daring MOST SENSITIVE ABOUT/VULNERABLE TO  loneliness, his family OPTIMIST OR PESSIMIST?  optimist EXTROVERT OR INTROVERT?  extrovert LEVEL OF COMFORT WITH TECHNOLOGY  always up to date with the latest technology, follows many tech blogs

〈 RELATIONSHIPS 〉 +

CURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS  currently dating kim jisoo SEXUAL ORIENTATION  heterosexual PAST RELATIONSHIPS

( 10 ) an innocent “puppy love” type of scenario where holding hands was the pinnacle of the relationship and mostly consisted of eating ice cream together after school

( 14-17 ) various “relationships” that lasted anywhere from a couple of weeks to several months---none of them serious

( 17 ) his “first love.” they started dating in junior year and chanyeol would have been glad to start a long-term relationship. unfortunately for him, she didn’t feel the same.

( 19 ) his first and only girlfriend after moving to seoul. she helped him assimilate and get over some level of culture shock. it was casual, too casual---she broke up with him because she felt he didn’t care enough about their relationship.

LEVEL OF SEXUAL EXPERIENCE  fairly experienced STORY OF FIRST KISS  he’s six years old and playing soccer with a few of his friends in his class. he attempts a game-winning goal, only to have the ball end up in the hands of the girl who would always follow him around. it was a short exchange: a kiss for the soccer ball, and once it was done, he never looked back. STORY OF LOSS OF VIRGINITY  it’s a typical prom night teenage rom com story in which he’d rented a hotel room for after the dance where they both lost their virignities. it was awkward and strange and a definite learning experience. A SOCIAL PERSON? extremely. will talk to/at anyone within earshot MOST COMFORTABLE AROUND (PERSON)  minseok, jennie, jisoo OLDEST FRIEND  minseok, since childhood HOW DOES HE/SHE THINK OTHERS PERCEIVE HIM/HER?  he’s fairly certain he’s annoying and obnoxious in other people’s eyes HOW DO OTHERS ACTUALLY PERCEIVE HIM/HER?  probably as some goof who never shuts up

〈 VOCATION 〉 +

PROFESSION   assistant at a recording studio, waiter, student, trc trainee PAST OCCUPATIONS  various entry level, minimum wage jobs PASSIONS  rapping, writing lyrics, composing, producing, performing ATTITUDE TOWARDS CURRENT JOB  always excited and full of energy, though does sometimes lament the rigid and repetitive schedule ATTITUDE TOWARDS CURRENT COWORKERS, BOSSES, EMPLOYEES  always friendly to his fellow trainees, and always bothering the staff. the staff seem to be used to his antics by now. was once recognized by tiger jk for a performance and is now dedicated to being recognized again. SALARY  a trainee’s sad salary

〈 SECRETS 〉 +

PHOBIAS  raccoons LIFE GOALS  to become a household name and give back DREAMS  to become a world-recognized musician and to use his fame to help the oppressed and less fortunate have a voice GREATEST FEARS  losing his family, disappointing his family MOST ASHAMED OF  his past run-ins with the law MOST EMBARRASSING THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO HIM/HER  chanyeol goes through a lot of “embarrassing” moments everyday, but he’s never fazed. in short: he’s shameless COMPULSIONS  talking, always / teasing people he cares about / toying with things in his pocket / incessant cursing when playing video games OBSESSIONS  music, pokemon, cooking, sports, his car SECRET HOBBIES  he has many hobbies, none of them secret (again, he’s shameless) SECRET SKILLS does a mean impression of enrique iglesias, really good at tongue twisters, a certified auctioneer, actually pretty good at boxing PAST SEXUAL TRANSGRESSIONS sex before marriage i guess??? CRIMES COMMITTED   possession of a controlled substance, possession for sale of narcotics, sale or transportation of a controlled substance, though he was never formally charged and, thus, they don’t show up on his record WHAT HE/SHE MOST WANTS TO CHANGE ABOUT HIS/HER CURRENT LIFE  being so far away from his family WHAT HE/SHE MOST WANTS TO CHANGE ABOUT HIS/HER PHYSICAL APPEARANCE  he honestly wouldn’t change a thing about his physical appearance, despite his insecurity about his big ears

〈 DETAILS &. QUIRKS 〉 +

DAILY ROUTINE ( AS OF JULY 2020 )

training from monday through friday, from the wee morning until midnight

more training on saturday and sunday, from the wee morning until 5pm

saturday and sunday nights may or may not include the following activities:

hanging out with his girlfriend

hanging out with his friends

visiting the youth center

visiting his old boxing gym

visiting his old jobs

staying home to work on songs

NIGHT OWL OR EARLY BIRD?  #TeamNoSleep LIGHT OR HEAVY SLEEPER?  light sleeper FAVORITE FOOD  his mom’s cooking LEAST FAVORITE FOOD  bell peppers FAVORITE BOOK   battle royale LEAST FAVORITE BOOK  text books lol FAVORITE MOVIE  deadpool LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE  ??? FAVORITE SONG  rap god by eminem LEAST FAVORITE SONG  ??? COFFEE OR TEA?  tea CRUNCHY OR SMOOTH PEANUT BUTTER?  crunchy TYPE OF CAR HE/SHE DRIVES 2002 hyundai sonata, black, pre-owned LEFTY OR RIGHTY? right-handed FAVORITE COLOR  yellow CUSSER?  yes, but not excessively unless he’s a) drunk, or b) gaming SMOKER? DRINKER? DRUG USER?  a social drinker BIGGEST REGRET  selling drugs and getting caught PETS?  none, but he wants a dog someday VOTED mister congeniality, best entertainer, class clown

[spiritinabody]

*pictured: me, August 2011* Trigger warning: suicide, sexual assault, sex, vulgar language, alcohol

I was sixteen years old. I remember because it was when Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen” was popular enough to be playing on the radio constantly. I have a memory of being in the car with both Nate (names changed to conceal their identities) and his mom, who was driving. She laughed at the irony of the song, since he was fifteen, a freshman in high school. “And then you’re on your very first date and he’s got a car, and you feel like you’re flying”. When his mom wasn’t driving us somewhere, I actually drove Nate around a lot. Picked him up. Took him to parties. Looking back, I’m sure it wasn’t a bad deal on his end.

As a sophomore in high school, I still was not far from the beginning of my existence as a sexual being. I shared my virginity with a boy during the summer between 8th and 9th grade. While that relationship had its own set of problematic experiences, we are on good terms now and have found ways to connect. After that relationship, it seemed like I bounced between guys, looking for someone to fill the kind of void that I felt being single. Part of it was an obsession with feeling powerful, knowing that I had what it was that guys were looking for. Compared to a lot of my schoolmates, I was more experienced, and willing to do more. For a lot of my life I felt unattractive, but having sex helped me feel both powerful and either beautiful, or at least that my looks didn’t matter. I did not have the capability to look deeper into what, or who, I was doing. Due to my experience and age, a lot of the guys I ended up being with were virgins themselves. Despite probably not being very good at what I was doing at the time, it felt good to “take” someone’s virginity.

Several short-lived, meaningless relationships brought me to February 2010. I don’t remember now how I actually met Nate, but we started dating shortly after meeting. Our relationship consisted of hanging out with his friends who were all guys that called me “Nate’s Girlfriend”, having sex while watching Disney movies at my parent’s house, playing with his dog, listening to music, sneaking out to see each other, going to parties, and fighting over shit that high schoolers fight over. Typical high school relationship. We broke up 2-3 times between February and August of that year. I specifically remember the last time we broke up being right around my seventeenth birthday due to a picture that exists of me holding my cake, with him standing in the background.

Despite the fact that I was the one who initiated the break up, I still have my journal from this time period. July 11th, 2010. “I’m dating an almost Sophomore, Nate. We’ve been dating over 5 months. It’s crazy… I love him so much.” The next four pages, un-dated, list bullet points of “Things I Remember About Us… So We Don’t Forget”. October 15th, 2010 is addressed to Nate, stating “I heard you speak for the first time in over two months a couple days ago. You finally hit puberty… And I missed it.” I continued to write about how I still think about Nate constantly, how I wished I could go back in time and “do everything right”, and how I basically attempted to stalk Nate at school just to see him or hear his voice. The next day, October 16th, 2010 I wrote about driving by his house and looking for him to come in while at work (I worked at Subway at the time). I ended it with saying that I would do anything for Nate, including kill myself if that is what he wanted.

The craziest part of this is not how madly in love I thought I was. The craziest part, to me, is that I thought I was madly in love with him months after he sexually coerced me multiple times throughout our relationship.

Sexual coercion, according to the website Love is Respect is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

You might be thinking that because I thought I loved him, and because I had said that I would do anything for him, that it wasn’t coercion and that I just changed my mind after we broke up. Not only is this the phenomena known as “victim blaming”, but it’s also false. This was something I recognized during our relationship and although I did think I loved him and wanted to do anything I could to make him happy, it was at my own personal cost. It was not something that I wanted.

At the time, I knew it was uncomfortable. I knew it was frustrating, trying to tell someone no, making up excuses, trying to find ways to divert their attention, just to have it end up happening anyways. I knew all of these things, but it wasn’t until years later, that I actually saw this for what it was -- sexual coercion. Due to being young, and not having a lot of experience, and never really having a conversation about sex let alone consensual sex with my parents, I thought this was normal. Really, I thought there was something wrong with me for ever not wanting to have sex. Nate was attractive, I thought I loved him at the time, but there were times where I just did not want to. What was wrong with me? How was I going to sabotage this “perfect” relationship just because of something minor? It took me I don’t know how long of experiencing this to tell him, finally, how much it upset me and that if he didn’t respect my right to say “no” again, that I was going to break up with him. You can guess what happened.

Now, as a semi-functioning adult, I can look back on experiences like this and really see them for what they are. I’m sure, as Nate was a virgin before we were together, he was just starting to learn what his sexuality meant to him as well. And because of his life and his experiences, thought it was normal and okay to continue to badger your partner into having sex after they’ve already said no. That’s the whole point of dating someone, right? To have sex whenever you want? This is what we, especially boys, are taught that relationships are supposed to be. You may have to struggle and argue and deal with “emotions”, but it’s all to make up and enjoy sex again. At this time, I wasn’t enjoying it. I was enduring it. Although Nate did sexually assault and coerce me, and we have our personality differences, I want you all to know that I do forgive him.

In November of this same year, 2010, I started dating Marty. He was older, not by a lot, but enough to shock even me, who was used to dating younger guys. Despite this fact, he too was a virgin when I met him. Due to a combination of my reputation and his own self doubt, Marty was already distrustful from the beginning. I think part of him didn’t want to look stupid, and the other part of him couldn’t believe that a girl like me (this was probably the peak of my attractiveness during my life -- I can say that being 23 at this point) was actually interested in him. He was extremely insecure about his image and his weight. I can tell you that none of that ever mattered to me, mostly because I still felt like the ugly little duckling I thought I was growing up. Inside, that’s how I still felt.

Dating off and on for a total of about 3 years, there were plenty of things that went on in our relationship that I could write an entire separate blog on. Maybe someday I will. But this part isn’t about Marty -- it’s actually about Wyatt.

I have known Wyatt since middle school when he was in a class of mine, and then I became good friends with his twin sister. We had a brief middle school-esque thing in 8th grade and then went our separate ways for a time. The guy who ended up being my first and Wyatt were really good friends at the time. Somehow we ended up “talking” (oh Lord do I hate that term) again during the summer, before Marty and I got together. We again went our separate ways, for whatever reason you could imagine.

The moral of this seemingly pointless background story is that Wyatt and I had some history. I knew his family, I was at one time a good friend of his sister, his mom loved me, and I spent a decent amount of time at his house in high school. In our Junior year of high school, his mom’s new house became the “party house” for our group of friends. It was a newly built house, huge, with a decent-sized basement that his mom never bothered to come down to. That was where I got drunk for the first time. It was where Marty pissed on the floor after a party. It was also where I was sexually assaulted.

Fast forward to June of 2011. The summer between my junior and senior years of high school. Do I remember what was really going through my head? No. I have no fucking clue. I wish seventeen-year-old me had the sense to write some of THAT shit in my diary, but no. For whatever reason, Wyatt and I started talking again. I remember one day I came over to get a Gameboy game of his because playing Pokemon on the old fashioned Gameboy was making a comeback. We talked, hung out. I liked talking to him because he made me laugh and reminded me of simpler times when we both were younger. It was something different. I had never really been with someone for as long as I had been with Marty, and I’m sure my mind was beginning to wander, realizing I was going to be dating a “college” guy while still in high school. Did I want to date Wyatt? Did I want to break up with Marty? No. That, I do remember.

One night, for whatever reason, I planned to stay over Wyatt’s house with him. Alone. I’m sure his sister was there, but in her room or doing her own thing. I told Marty that I was staying at a girlfriend’s house. By now, there are probably a million alarms going off in your head. “You went to his house ALONE? You LIED to your boyfriend?” Yes. All of this is true. In my head, I wasn’t expecting anything to happen, but I knew the situation would look bad. I was more concerned about how the situation would look to my boyfriend than my own safety. Let me repeat that: I was more concerned about covering up what I was doing from my boyfriend than my own physical and emotional safety. Whatever part of me, or whatever part of Wyatt that told me what I wanted to hear, let me go forward with it.

We spent the night in his basement, probably watching movies and definitely drinking Four Lokos. Back in those days which are pretty much when I started drinking, everyone drank Four Lokos. They were cheap, easy to get, and would get you fucked up. At times, half of a can of Four Loko could cause me to black out. On this particular night, I probably had between a half and a whole can of Four Loko. Why did I drink this much? At the time, that was normal. It was how we had fun on weekends. I would usually black out due to my extremely low tolerance, but if anyone else ever experienced them, I didn’t know. I thought that, too, was a normal part of drinking and getting drunk.

What I do remember, vividly, is waking up the next morning on the floor of that basement at 1:00 P.M. I think I woke up to the voice of Wyatt’s mom upstairs yelling. I jumped up in a panic. Where was I? What time was it? I grabbed my phone from wherever it was and saw the time, as well as missed calls and texts. One was from my friend, Mia, the friend whose house I was supposed to be spending the night at. She was worried because Marty had tried to contact her after failing to be able to contact me. Another text was from Marty, blatantly calling my bluff and telling me he knew I wasn’t at Mia’s. As the reality of everything set in, I’m sure I grabbed my stuff and got the hell out of dodge. That’s again where things become a little, blurry.

The story of what happened that night is something that formulated in my brain after the fact, pieces at a time. In different ways. And for different reasons. I didn’t tell Marty what happened until several months later. That, I did write about in my diary. About how he took the news surprisingly well. But I didn’t write about the event itself in my diary. In my mind, it was something that was my fault. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have put myself in the situation. I should have said no. I didn’t even want to admit to myself what had happened that night because I knew, at the end of the day, I was supposed to take responsibility for what happened. I cheated on my boyfriend. I made that mistake. To other people, and to society, my emotional and physical safety still were not the important details here. It was what I could have done differently, and instead what I did do.

After that evening of drinking, Wyatt and I both passed out together on the floor. I don’t remember if we were maybe cuddling to sleep, or just fell asleep next to each other. We were in spooning position, with him behind me. At some point, I woke up to Wyatt guiding my hand to what ended up being his penis. Although I don’t remember for sure, I assume there was some kind of foreplay on his part -- either over my pants, or inside of my pants. After some time, I helped guide his penis into my vagina for what was maybe 30 seconds worth of sex. We then both went back to sleep.

Between Marty and I, this was something that was a regular practice. While I look back and think about how problematic the concept was, it was consensual between Marty and I. I would stay over, or he would stay over, and when we were able to actually sleep together overnight it was a somewhat regular thing. I cannot tell you and I will never know exactly what was going through his head when this happened between Wyatt and I. Realistically, I can’t even tell you what was going through my head. Do I think he meant to violate me? No, not really. Do I think he knew what he was doing? Yes. I think he knew who I was, he knew I was drunk, but like many other men (especially at that age) did not realize that consent is a verbal, non-coerced and freely given “yes” compared to the lack of the word “no”. Did I “help” him do what he did? Technically, yes. I also believe that part of my half-drunk half-asleep mind believed that I was doing this with Marty, like we had so many times before. I also believe that if and when I may have realized that it wasn’t Marty, I was too afraid based on what I had already done to stop and say “no”. From my past relationships and past experiences, I had it so far ingrained in my head that sometimes it’s easier, quicker, less painful just to do it than to say “no”. In this regard, I don’t blame Wyatt for what he did. I try to believe that as a semi-functioning adult, he would now know better and be able to do better. I want to believe that he will not pass that mindset onto his son, or any future children he has. While I don’t blame him, what he did was not right. I had a right to feel violated.

From that day on, whether or not he actually said it or just implied it, Marty used what happened that night against me. He used it as an excuse as to why he couldn’t trust me, as well as why he couldn’t trust me around other guys. We ended up breaking up, for other reasons not related to what occurred with Wyatt. A few years later, we ended up getting back together. Although part of that relationship was the idea of starting fresh, realizing that we were both different people than we had been, Marty still held that against me. He used it as a trump card every time I tried to defend myself in a situation that I shouldn’t have even had to defend. The combination of that situation, along with a lot of other things that made Marty not trust me, caused me to really turn into myself during a lot of our relationship. In order to please him, I stopped going out as much or rarely ever. I stopped hanging out with friends, or making an effort to spend time with other people. I stopped doing things that I had previously enjoyed because of the worry of explaining myself to him. It was not until I felt like I had turned into a completely different person, and still did not really have Marty’s trust, that I realized how toxic that situation and our relationship was. Despite how much I knew I loved Marty in my heart, I couldn’t continue to make myself small in order to help Marty feel at ease and in control of me.

Consent, whether to sex or sexual acts or otherwise, is no longer a mystery to me. While it is something that is sometimes hard to navigate, it is not only crucial but necessary. In high school, part of me believed that I didn’t have the right to say no. My self esteem was so low, that I would do it just to feel better -- to not feel like that ugly duckling that was trapped inside of me for so long. To feel in control. But instead, I was taken advantage of. My control over my own body was taken from me, piece by piece, every time I caved and did it or kept my mouth closed and convinced myself this was something I wanted. This is not what sex should be. I want everyone reading this, young or old, male, female or transgender, gay or straight or in between, to know that your boundaries matter. YOU matter. You have the right to say “no”, or say “not now”, or say “I’m not comfortable can we take a breather?”. I treated my body like garbage, and years later, I am finally starting to heal and forgive myself. To see sex as a way to connect with someone, not as a weapon or as a trophy. I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations to try to satisfy that craving and am lucky enough that it never resulted in serious negative consequences. We are taught and conditioned to believe that sex leads to love and connection with a person to make us happy. It is the complete opposite. Someone who can respect you enough to wait until you are comfortable to do whatever sexual acts is someone who you can have a connection with, and maybe some type of love will form. But all of this first comes from respecting yourself, and loving the essence of who you are to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe.

‘’Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you You're gonna believe them And when you're fifteen, don't forget to love before you fall I've found time can heal most anything And you just might find who you're supposed to be I didn't know who I was supposed to be Fifteen’’

I wish I had known all of that at 15. But I’m Forgiving Myself.

Credit to:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/what-sexual-coercion/ http://www.metrolyrics.com/fifteen-lyrics-taylor-swift.html 

P.S. I changed the name of the individuals in this post because my goal was not to call them out. The purpose in writing this was to release myself from the chains that kept me from telling these stories for many years, as well as to help young women (or anyone for that matter) who may have experienced something similar and can benefit from knowing that they are not alone and that what happened to them isn’t right. 

[snowdropsandtigers]

I'd love to see you talk about the Black Magician Trilogy! I don't have a specific date in mind, so feel free to slot it in wherever, but it's always exciting to find other fans!

I am so sorry thisis late. I planned for it to be up at the end of January and then gotbusy, and it had been so long since I’ve talked to another fan Ineeded to figure out where to start.  I knew it would be a longpost—I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it long out offeeling rusty, but I knew it would be if I really got into it. Sohere it is at last.

Before I get intothe books themselves, I want to spend two paragraphs on somethingthat defined my experience with the series: the Black Magiciantrilogy forums I joined as “LittleRaven” during the mid2000s. Idedicate this post to its members. Wherever you are now, I love you.

I love the BlackMagician trilogy* the way I love Harry Potter. The books still feellike home to me. Part of the reason is the fandom: while Harry Potterfandom does have that sense of familiarity and coziness as I rememberdays past, it was in the Black Magician trilogy fandom that I found acommunity. Specifically, in the Black Magician trilogy forums (June2006-October/November 2012) hosted on then-platform Forumer (Ithink.) This was the first time I was ever an active part of fandom.I’d left reviews on fics, sure. I’d joined Yahoo Groups andoccasionally commented. I’d even written/plotted one or two ficsfor my earliest fandoms, Pokemon and Sailor Moon, though I neverposted them. But in the forums, I meta’d. I squeed. I posted mypoetry. I shared and even modded one of the subforums for a fewyears. (I was The Librarian of the fanfic/original fiction section.) We even talked about social issues with the books and the fandomresponse, without it ever becoming a war. It was one of thefriendliest fandoms I’d ever known, and small, so everyone kneweach other. I joined the first summer—probably the first monthtoo—after nearly two years of barely finding any fanworks for oneof my favorite series in the world, and I was not disappointed. Therewere years I didn’t show up a lot, but I always came back. ThenForumer sold its forums to Yuku and Yuku closed it down. It said thatmembers had been sent an invitation, and that it would reopen theforums as soon as one of the administrators made contact. I don’tknow why—to save space? In that case, the forums must have beenwiped from the Internet years ago because both our administratorswere long gone. One of the moderators, another member who, like me,had been there since the beginning, tried to contact the admin who’dstuck around longest and had no luck. I only knew this because Iremembered a member’s FF.Net alias and made a desperate attempt tofind out what was going on. I still miss it. The place had sloweddown a lot, but was still active everyday, and occasionally an oldermember would peek back in. Even when it seemed like we had saideverything we could about the books, we could still chat about otherfiction and even a little about our lives. The series would cycleback into discussion regardless, especially when the prequel and thesequels began coming out. (I really regret that it happened before Icould finish the last book and talk about it.) I’ve never been socomfortable in a fandom before and I haven’t been since.

Traces remain, atleast. We had a website with fanart; Trudi Canavan even commented inthe guestbook once. It was up the lasttime I checked, though my bookmarks were lost in a crash and I’veforgotten the link’s URL. (I searched before posting and it’s frozen. :C ) I remember Sheepy-Pie creating character plushies and thatshe gave some to Canavan at an event. They were so adorable! Iremember Lady Laura and Kasloumor and j-mercuryuk, Ronan, Akkarin,Lorlyn, ShadowEmpress, Lady Vinara, andso many others; I’ve only mentioned the people who stick out forhaving been there the longest or in the periods I was most active.

Now, the seriesitself. At fourteen, I was hooked by the heroine and the classpolitics; I don’t think much of the fantasy I’d read before thendealt with the latter, and while a marginalized protagonist wasnothing strange, Sonea’s reserved personality for most of the booksand her alienation worked on a different level for me**. She was aworking class girl on the edge of poverty being displaced into theslums. The tension of the two different lives she was pulled tobefore she became a magician got me and really grounded hercharacter. Grounded is the right word, really. She had old friends inthe slums she still loved but was distant from, and it made sensewith her background and the world-building. She remains distrustfulof the magicians and the higher-class world they’re connected tothroughout the entire series. She’s never popular, though sometimesrespected. She was hated and harassed, and often isolated to apainful degree, but she had people who cared. This sounds a bitvague; let’s say the second book—The Novice, for anyreaders unfamiliar—is a bit like the fifth book of Harry Potter, ifHarry was more isolated from his loved ones and more conscious of whyhis environment is working the way it is.  If instead of having afriend group where it’s “us against the world” adventures, he’dhad friends in different places—literally or figuratively—whohelp when they can, complicated by the difficulties of plot andsetting and life choices. I love Sonea’s reactions throughout:practical, carefully responsive to genuine attempts to reach out,perceptive, intense empathetic, blunt, impulsive, and very strictabout her personal code of ethics. Also, she liked poetry and thenarrative didn’t use that to create a hazy image of her as wispyand romantic. I liked that detail!

And she could besoft without being soft—she would help someone, she would treatpeople with respect for their humanity, but it didn’t mean she hadto be forgiving and throw herself into them. Or that she had toforget. If she didn’t fight someone, or didn’t fight the wayothers might expect, it was well-grounded in her personality, and  nomatter what she always resisted in whatever way she could, regardlessof it being glamorous in even the fictional kind of way. She hadtenacity. Sonea is a prime example of Goodis Not Soft. She was sensible, tough, and kind. As I said,empathetic. The way the first two books moved the plot while buildingher character made the third book work very well for me as payoff. Itwas always my favorite: the nature of the plot twist and Sonea’sresponse to it made perfect sense for who she’d been until now, andthe love story is one of my favorite executions of my favorite kindof ship, the heroine/antagonist. In large part because this was herstory. It wasn’t his story, or their story as a couple—althoughhis characterization, and that of everyone else, was well-served andcared about—but hers.  The books cared so much about Sonea’sinteriority and never subordinated her to the needs of plot, theme,or another character. I could believe why she loved and respected him(again, for the unfamiliar reader: the romance is not at theforefront of the story at any point.) I could believe why she wouldmake the decisions she made, in and out of romance, based on what shethought of the world and what she thought of herself. She’s soinformed by everything that came before, so solid. And I love thatshe made them; Sonea drives so much of her own story, especially inthe first and third books. She’s so active in the last one! Evenwhen she’s not as in charge of her life, I love how the books, assaid above, care very much about exploring her point of view in everysituation. Having limited choices, limited agency, doesn’t everreduce her to a prop: she remains three-dimensional, our clearprotagonist.  Sonea is well-rooted in her background, in the plot,and in the class politics story the narrative is interested intelling.    

The sequels aren’tas much about her, but they do present a believable trajectory forher character. Sonea is older, still fighting the world around herbecause she must, and because she cares, and taking support where shecan as soon as she recognizes it. The way she handles her son isperfect. And while I don’t have a rosy opinion of her new loveinterest, I love that the romance didn’t come with a capital R!It’s just someone she grows to trust and care for and wants to havesex with. I came away with the distinct impression that he loved herand she just liked him all right, and that that was just fine by thenarrative. Positive even, a good ending that left her story in aplace of renewal and refreshment. The sequel trilogy does well byher.

Another thing ofnote: I hadn’t realized it on the first read-through, but betweensome cultural details, the physical descriptions of Sonea and otherKyralians, and the author saying on her website (in a FAQ or a blogpost) that she was influenced by anime and Japan for Kyralia, Soneais the first POC and WOC protagonist I ever encountered in fantasyfiction, outside of anime/manga and Disney Princesses. I’m glad shewas done so well. I won’t say I’m without reservations on raceand this series, though; but I’ve never felt qualified to talkabout it. I am a brown woman, but I’m unsure of exactly whatcontext to place the series in, so I don’t know how to talk aboutthe ways it interacts with that context. I’ll just say that beforethe sequel trilogy, it bothered me that the darker-skinned Sachakanswere associated with slavery and decadence. I did think the sequeland prequel improved on this very much.

Something else thesequels did better with was the queer stuff. I liked Dannyl andTayend in the first trilogy, but they get a whole lot moreexploration in the second. And Lilia is one of the few lesbianprotagonists I’ve found in fantasy fiction. I did have issues withthe twist in the Naki plotline, but I’m glad she got a goodgirlfriend in the end. And a mentor in Sonea! If I remember it right;I don’t think I’ve reread the books since The Traitor Queencame out, and I’m not sure I reread that one. I think I was toobummed by losing the forums at the same time, and not having a placeto immerse myself in anymore.  So I don’t know how much I can sayabout the execution. But I did think Canavan did a fine job with hercharacterization, and I’m glad she went for more representation,more queer characters and more queer relationships that get narrativeattention and depth.  

I’ve gone on solong and I didn’t even talk about the prequel! I focused the poston Sonea and the prequel is set centuries before her time.  Iremember thinking it was a very effective setup for the futureconflicts Canavan had developed and would continue to develop in thesequel trilogy; I love that she’s so committed to the ramificationsof her political world-building on the characters and the plot. Itfelt, as her other works have done, bittersweet and real.

 Overall, I thinkTrudi Canavan does an excellent job of following fantasy tropes tocreate something that sets itself apart from the rest. Her scope isepic and personal, grounded in the characters, who are grounded inthe world-building. Everything is so well-integrated, feels socohesive. This is one of the most, if not the most, loving and richexecutions of the “poor orphan child with mysteriously powerfulmagic” stories I have ever encountered.***

It’s been a longtime since my last reread—probably since 2012, when the last bookcame out. I feel the urge to go back. Thank you so much for this ask!I hadn’t talked about these books in literally years; I was myability to do that had gone stale, and here I am, being so happy totalk about why I loved them. This has been a wonderful time to write.I’m only sorry it took so long to get out!

*It’s been aseries for years now, but I keep defaulting to “trilogy” when Ithink about it. I’ve been a fan for a long time. I greatly enjoyedthe rest of the books, but the original trilogy does occupy a spaceas as the trilogy for more than half the time I spent infandom, if memory serves. (And now I’ve checked, I remember thatthe sequels are called The Traitor Spy trilogy. So there’s thattoo!)

**Now I realizeshe’s a precursor to Emma Swan. I love finding connections betweencharacters I love. Although every time I connect someone to Emma SwanI always add “if Once Upon a Time’s narrative cared about herlike these other narratives do with their heroines!” Every time.

***I also lovedAlison Croggon’s books (The Naming and sequels—I thinkit’s the Pellinor series) for this, and talked about it on the BMTforums. I wasn’t the only one who loved them! They do have a moremythic, Tolkien-like tone and story than the Black Magician books,which are more overtly human-scaled. I compare them because they’reboth careful and detailed about their stories, and their narrativesshow love for the heroines by exploring their interiority, from painto joy, with dedication and respect.

[cosmosogler]

hnngngh it’s already 12:20. i was going to start writing as soon as i finished the picture but the internet went out for like 15 minutes.

i got up at 10... my dreams were ~wacky and silly~. there was a musical number. it was about as good and relevant as this one:

at first i was stuck in a dark mansion with a bunch of people i haven’t seen in a long time. i was also naked. i was also looking for a wet swim suit to put on. there were lots of second hand sweaters and pool noodles and board games stuffed into every closet but i needed that wet and sticky swim suit i guess! the last part was like a cross between mary poppins and peter pan. i was doing the chimney sweep dance with a bunch of chimney sweep guys dressed in black when pirates showed up and wanted us to walk the plank. there were suddenly children in pajamas there. i got shoved off the plank since i was procrastinating about jumping off but a chimney sweep caught me at the bottom of the building so i guess it was fine.

i woke up irritated and exhausted. i only slept for maybe 7 and a half hours.

i don’t really remember what i did all morning! i was on the computer. i received some emails from my new classmates about studying for some kind of intake exam which immediately stressed me out a lot. i scanned in my art so i could digitally color it after therapy. i microwaved my leftovers from yesterday. oh, and i showered.

i got to therapy on time. it was hard to focus on my daily check in paperwork. when asked about which medications i was taking i just scribbled “the usual suspects” and was unable to figure out what my goal was for the session.

i was able to avoid talking about myself for quite a while! but unfortunately everyone else finished with time to spare so i had to talk about how i was feeling. or rather, not feeling, i guess. we talked about how i seem to be unable to form normal relationships with other people. my therapist said i rarely ever talk about myself, but i worry that i talk about myself too much around friends. i guess that’s the point she was making.

for some reason my mind wandered to craig. he wasn’t the start of the phenomenon of course but... definitely the worst offender aside from maybe mother, but that’s mostly just because i have spent far more time with mother. i quickly brushed over our relationship saying he “did stuff” before trying to move on but the therapist stopped me and asked what he did. 

i guess... while i was trying to describe the many fun experiences i had with him, particularly the whole “ignoring my firm no to climb on top of me” episode, i started crying really hard? it was embarrassing. i don’t know why it was so hard to talk about at that moment. i have talked about it before without that violent of a reaction. i’ve been so dang weepy all evening since then. i cry more over my dogs than anything else. 

i kept getting upset over and over again while i drove home and fed the dogs and cooked a semi-nice dinner for myself and walked wiley. remembering stuff. i’d forgotten that mom blamed me for everything that happened. it wasn’t important for other people to know. i kept getting the urge to, like, email the group therapist with everything i was thinking about, but i don’t really want to spend all my therapy time whining about stuff that doesn’t matter...

like... hanging out with other people, getting to know them, learning about their lives, i don’t want to think about this stuff! it’s upsetting. and i don’t want to upset them. craig was very careful to tell me i was “too much” anyway. 

all my interests are stupid. i mean, i don’t think they’re stupid, but other people will think i’m stupid for liking them. all my friends already treat me like i’m a kid. i’m “cute.” how is anyone ever going to take me seriously if i tell them i like pokemon?

i know that my friends, like asher, say “cute” with the best intentions. i’m glad they like what i do, i guess. and i am small and get flustered easily. but it dovetails so nicely with the “aww, sammie’s growing up!” comments whenever i bring up anything vaguely sexual as a joke. i’m not 12. i’m 24. i know what a dick is. i have a large mental collection of really stupid bedroom ideas from urban dictionary. “how/why do you know that?” my friends ask. like i don’t come across these things just by existing on a college campus.

like, if they’re not going to take me seriously anyway, why bother with anything but stupid jokes. my “no” doesn’t mean anything obviously. no one in my life, for so long, wanted to hear about anything i had to say. i can count on my fingers the number of times i got someone to listen all the way through a monologue. i don’t know why my middle school friends stuck around. maybe there wasn’t anywhere else to go. i certainly wasn’t nice about it.

it’s so hard to accept the idea that people might be interested in something i am also interested in, and want my opinion on it for real. asher at least humors me, though he does remind me often that he’s not able to follow my long diatribes on steven universe or adventure time or stock science fiction plots. and i’m afraid to make new friends in a fandom. what if i don’t like it as much as they do and i turn into That Guy? what if they also immediately decide i’m “cute” and that’s all i am after that?

it’s easier to just show people things they will think are cute. cute emotions. cute stories. that sex subplot in that story was really out of place. you should cut it out. cute jokes. cute personality. cute dreams (nightmares). cute approaches to problems. cute anxieties.

i might sound angrier than i actually feel right now. i’m actually just really tired. and i do think my jokes are pretty funny. it’s not that those things aren’t genuine. but they are also cherrypicked from the overwhelming noise to make other people less unhappy. and when i get negative feedback i load up on the “cute” so that the bad thing is... less.

maybe that’s why i’m so miserable. it’s hard to make connections because i feel like people wouldn’t take me seriously anyway. and then they stop taking me seriously so it’s hard to make a connection.

i’m not entirely sure though. i mean, yeah, that’s probably exactly why jay was kind of a dick to me. but at the same time, i feel like i do make, if not entirely, then at least a little more serious, connections? or do i always water down my emotions when conveying them to other people? do i only tell people things i don’t care if they know on purpose? when’s the last time i told someone something really for real private about how or what i think?

it was craig, wasn’t it. i bring up concerns with other people now, things relevant or likely interesting to them, not secrets.

but why would anyone listen to something i say if it was only about me and nothing else? that’s not useful information.

before i left my therapist asked if i was going to be able to rest better tonight than last night. i said probably not. it’s after 1 again now. tomorrow i’ve got a party with raven and my other graduating classmates at 6... i wonder if i’ll be able to sleep.

the group mentioned self care. asmr, soaking in the bath, using essential oils, that kind of thing. i don’t really like any of those things. i was thinking about that... i don’t like feeling relaxed. paradoxically, the thought puts me on edge. i just drew my picture for a couple hours instead and i hurt my hand and fingers because the tablet is so low quality haha. but i finished it, and i practiced with the tablet a little bit, and that has to count for something, right? even though it was so that it could be used by someone else. i mean, i draw my own characters for myself, but... 

everyone thinks my characters are “cute” too. even kyral i guess? i mean, there’s a degree of “not taking it too seriously” to all my stories. and kyral does, objectively, overreact to almost everything. but if i didn’t goof off with the characters a little bit i’d just make myself depressed. it can’t all be horrible. even my life isn’t all horrible.

i tried to at least stay hydrated. and have some chocolate milk, because i like chocolate milk. but the box exploded on my desk so i had to mop up chocolate milk instead of drinking it. i didn’t have as bad a stomachache today as yesterday. i tried to play it a little safer food wise for dinner. that may have helped.

i will try to sleep now. at least i talk more or less honestly about myself on the blog. there are probably things i don’t realize about myself that i don’t write about, but that’s because i haven’t thought of them yet. but of course, as always, reading my blog is totally optional. i try not to talk about my friends too much though, even when i do think about them, because it’s not generally nice to talk about people while they’re not around. i just spend a lot of time talking to asher is all.

i hope he is doing ok in canada.

ok, going to bed for real. i think i said everything i wanted to say. i hope you are also doing ok.

[caterpillar-worship-blog]

This post contains a high amount of sexual content and has things that may disturb or at least “weird out” many people. There is also a lot of what the internet likes to call “cringe”. This is also a very long post and I only recommend reading if you are one of those people who likes seeing what goes through different people’s heads (eg: pretty much no one). TRIGGER WARNING: Pictures of real insects (larva),mention of sexual activity

I’m to the point now I almost wish I had no sex drive, its such a waste. I just want to play video games, do stuff I enjoy or maybe start drawing again. Desire is such a trap for me because I’m a pretentious person attracted to this ideal of beauty and stuff. It goes deeper but I’ll save that for a post that will probably get me labeled as a lunatic (spoilers: tulpas). I get all these fantasies and they feel great but then if I release them (eg: masturbate) I feel the cold reality hit me. I become filled with a desire to hug and cuddle, to hold someone and do things like nuzzle or just tease and play. When I cum I realize that I’m just a human being most likely put here to reproduce, which I probably won’t do and don’t think I even want to. I like the warm,soft feeling, its radiant kind of but then it reaches this point where the sexual part overrides everything and demands I release. I suddenly feel like I have become a slave and think back to my ex, sex with her and how most of the time it was unpleasant. I’m long past the fallout of our relationship and don’t hate her, though we don’t talk and probably never will. We were just different people and I was incapable of giving her the things she needed from a person. I don’t know how to describe my sexuality to others so I don’t. I don’t think I’m gay enough to proclaim it publicly but different things arouse me. My first sexual desires started when I was 7, I would watch both Sonic cartoons and had a crush on Tails. Me and my sister would play Sonic 2 and she would drown Tails and I would fantasize about protecting him. Eventually I started dry humping my couch on saturday mornings before my parents woke up. I loved bugs a lot too, I found them fascinating but I especially liked insects who went through complete metamorphosis and I thought grubs were really cute. I wanted a giant grub to hug and cuddle with who would never go into imago ever and just be my soft, squishy friend forever. He had this shy, easily scared personality, kind of cowardly but sweet. I would watch nature documentaries about insects such as wasps, beetles, bees etc and I loved watching them care for their fat, white little grubby babies. I would go to our old library during the summer and I had this one hardbook book about diving beetles. It was fun to read to me because I thought “water bugs” were super awesome and we use to have a pool so I’d see them during the summer. I remember getting a “crush” on the diving beetle larva. He was a good deal more fierce than grubs were but was still a larva. Diving beetle larva had a personality, he was more adventurous and wanted to be strong and grow up into his adult form so he could be super tough, like how shonen anime protags are. I still wanted to hug him and beg “Noooo, you’re so cute..I like you the way you are, diving beetle larva-chan..don’t grow up!!” I should stress that these insect characters I made during my pre-pubescent childhood were always males. It was not just insects though, I had another imaginary friend, who was a girl. She was this chipmunk like creature who would come to me during naps, usually when I was staying at my grandparent’s old house back when I was in preschool. The little chipmunk had a completely benign face, I can’t remember it 100% but I was and still am autistic so certain things would upset or bother me a lot. Everyone is this way but I had certain “compatibility” ratios with smells,foods,faces and cartoons. The famous youtuber Ulilila coined that term and it resonated a lot with me because I still use a similar system in my head. Anyways, the chipmunk fairy creature had a face that was cute but comforted me, nothing about her was unappealing or neutral by my compatibilities. I would be small, her size, and we would play in the branches of this giant tree. It was not a real life tree or a cartoon, it was in the style of an old painting. My grandparents had lots of old paintings around their house of ducks,ponds and farm houses so that’s probably why the tree looked the way it did in my subconscious. We would play tag and she would run away but I’d catch her and we’d hug. I would be so happy when I’d hug her but then she’d jump away again until I could not find her. I could hear her rustling in the leaves and calling me but I’d call for her and start feeling this really incredible sadness and loneliness. Then I would wake up. I had good parents who tried their best and no one ever abused me but my childhood was very lonely. Before I started playing video games my friends were cartoon characters. These included The Little Koala, Maya the Bee and Heathcliff  the cat. I also really liked the animated dinosaurs from the pbs documentary “Dinosaurs” narrated by the lady who’s name escapes me, I think she did Nick News too. The third and final episode scarred me SO HARD because it was about the dinosaurs dying off but I’ll save that for another blog entry, this is way too long but its not like anyone will read my shit. But yeah, childhood was lonely. Kids didn’t start being really mean until the 4th or 5th grade I want to say but I just did not mesh with anyone. I had no geeky buddies to teach me AD&D, I had no one to play video games with, no one cared about dinosaurs and insects like I did. For a long time I wanted to be a fighter pilot too but not because I wanted to hurt people, I just thought the pilots looked really cool with their helmet and masks that made them look like houseflies and I loved how fighter jets looked. I wanted to be that. I had an infatutation with the look and shape of planes like the F-15 and F-111 yet I never cared for the actual science enough beyond eventually learning pointless trivia about hardpoints and how much “payload” they could carry jets. To me the fighter jets and bombers were like the dinosaurs and insects, they all were my “proto-pokemon” and they each had stats, personalities and other stuff. I still love all these things...but with military planes I feel some guilt I guess and have to separate reality and my childhood fantasies. I -do- love the Ace Combat series because it took my precious fighter jets and gave them rpg style stats while putting them into what is basically a gundam anime but with jets instead....but then Ace Combat went garbo and started taking place in the real world and abandoned the anime-ishness for something more Michael Bay and ~*PATRIOTIC~* I guess. God, fuck you Assault Horizon. But yeah..I was lonely. Sports bored me to tears and I was awful at them due to the fact I had crappy motorskills and I did not care. I hated PE and field day was only ok because I could sneak some of my bug guides or comic books outside and pray I would get a teacher who did not care about my lack of participation and was just happy I was someone who could entertain themselves. This has gone on too long for one post. I had a lot more I wanted to say and I don’t think anyone will read this but I’d feel better just doing another post later.