#I focus on getting out whatever is necessary for the upcoming arc

[tojiscrack]

𝐑𝐄-𝐃𝐎 𝐎𝐅 𝐀 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍

: ̗̀➛ word count: 16.5k

: ̗̀➛ pairing: levi ackerman x reader

: ̗̀➛ notes: a lot of this will be following a more canon-divergent type of writing. the first arc i’m writing is the cadet corps and once that’s done, and the relationship has a more firm grounding, i’ll move on to the canon plot. and i have a lot planned 🤭

: ̗̀➛ summary: despite your friends betraying you previously, you moved passed it to tell them the story of the love triangle between you, keith, and captain levi. and the things they say makes you begin to re-think the first impression you left on your soon-to-be husband..

previous chapter :) next chapter :)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

“you have to focus!”

“i can’t!”

“well you have to!”

“why don’t you focus for the both of us?”

“how the hell am i supposed to do that?”

“by focusing!”

“i am focused!”

“no you’re not!”

“how did the tables turn so quickly?”

marco sighed, watching as his two friends continued to bicker without getting any actual work done. the trio were sat on the training field, marco sitting on the hard concrete, and jean and you standing on either side of him, yelling obscene words at each other.

the three of you did not need to train at this very moment, for the weekends had arrived, meaning that only half the day would be used for training, and after noon, you were free to do whatever you wanted (aside from breaking any other regulations, of course). however, unlike every other weekend, both marco and jean had decided that they would do some voluntary training in preparation for the upcoming exams coming the following week. you had protested, but certainly not hard enough to convince both of your friends to take the day off with you, so huffing and puffing, you reluctantly dragged yourself out of bed to strain more muscles in your body because that was just how miserable you were.

you hadn’t completely forgiven marco for betraying you the other day, and he knew it, for you did not let any of his comments go free without a jab at them: 1. ‘the porridge tastes weird today, huh..’ — ‘weird, like how weird it was when a friend betrays a friend, right?’, 2. ‘i can’t fight without a weapon!’ — ‘but you didn’t have a weapon in your hand when you chose to fight for shadis last week’, 3. ‘jean, it’s not my fault!’ — ‘just like how it wasn’t your fault when i was left helpless in the stables?’, and many, many more occasions.

at first, he would look down in shame, but after it happened for the nth time, he seemed to have gotten immune to the feeling, and merely rolled his eyes at you, smiling all the while. you were not impressed.

but that was a topic for another time.

right now, you needed to focus on your pla— training. your training. you had to focus on your training. your plan for training, really.

although you had been deemed as number ten for the southern division of the 104th cadet corps, that position could change before the final examination. next week, it would be the second to last change, and you knew you had to maintain the pace you were working at (if not slightly harder, seeing as people were beginning to step up their game).

your initial plan was to move up the list, because you knew you could. however, you had realised a little later on that it wasn’t necessary to, for all you needed to do was be in the top ten to reduce the risk of a growing population of future mp’s, and seeing as you were most definitely joining the scout regiment, there was no need for such brutal competition for the higher positions. you were doing just fine at number ten.

so you had to keep it.

but how were you supposed to do that when jean would keep eating your ear off as if it were as tasty as dry hay?

“are you thinking about captain levi again?” snapped jean, both hands placed on his hips. he reminded you of a mother scolding their child.

“no!” you denied, folding your arms over your chest, attempting to ignore the heat crawling up your neck, choosing to rest in your cheeks. it was a hot day today after all, you couldn’t be blamed for how warm you were beginning to feel. “i saw him just last week, there’s no reason for me to be —”

“cut the bullshit y/n,” interrupted jean exasperatedly. “you look like he just proposed to you.”

you grinned.

“stop giving her ideas, jean,” marco groaned from below.

you looked down. he seemed to be picking at the grass, calloused hands seeming to be weakened with the amount of work marco had been putting in for the last couple of days.

“scrap it already,” demanded jean, staring at you firmly. “it’s never gonna happen. he’s the captain of the scouts and you’re — you’re —”

your stare hardened. “i’m what?”

“out of damn control,” he finished, running a hand through his hair. “we’re lucky enough to even be in the top ten, you know that?”

“doesn’t matter to me,” you shrugged mindlessly. “i’m not joining the mp’s.”

jean frowned, his thin brows knitting together as he performed a stretch that would help with the back of his upper arms (one elbow raised whilst the other hand pushes it down his back). “the garrisons would be pretty happy with a cadet who has a high ranking.”

“the scouts, you mean,” you corrected, eyes narrowing.

you watched the way in which his face appeared to be blank for a moment, the hardened gaze he usually held so proudly beginning to falter ever so slightly. the heavy breathing from marco had been halted, too, and you wondered whether he was choosing to hold his breath.

“sure,” jean nodded calmly. you couldn’t help but believe that he still did not seem to approve of your idea. “whatever.”

“i think we should just cut to the chase,” marco calmly added, carrying his weight on his elbows, leaning back to look up at you. he was hiding in your shadow in an attempt to shield himself from the blinding light of the sun. “what’re you planning?”

you blinked, dumbfounded.

“huh?”

“you’re not fooling anyone, y/n,” said marco.

“except, maybe, yourself if you actually think that we haven’t noticed how distracted you’ve been lately,” commented jean, only resulting in you exaggeratedly mimicking him out of spite. he scoffed at your childish act.

“i would tell you guys,” you began truthfully, “but i have trust issues now.”

marco groaned loudly. “i’m sorry, okay? will you let it go already?”

“never,” you stated coldly. “live with regret.”

“how come you don’t bother jean about it? he started it!”

“oh jean’s already learnt his lesson,” you answered smugly. and with a glance at jean, you said, “haven’t you?”

“shut up y/n.”

“watch it,” you warned, “i won’t hesitate to put you back in there.”

“shadis wouldn’t believe you unless you do it like last time,” said jean, lip quirking upwards. “and that would mean you have to be there too.”

you smiled innocently. “so be it.”

jean took a step back to create a larger distance between you two.

“you’re psycho.

“no, i’m y/n.”

“i’m convinced they mean the same thing at this point,” sighed marco, shaking his head tiredly.

“okay, fine, i’ll tell you,” you said, and marco actually sat up in interest expectantly. “but under one condition.” the two boys looked at each other warily. you continued. “you help me with something.”

jean did not waste a single second before he spoke loudly.

“absolutely not,” he protested, shaking his head defiantly. “no way. whatever you’re getting yourself involved in, i’m out.”

you rolled your eyes. “i only need one of you anyway. marco?”

marco hesitated; you smiled. the single hesitation told you that he was actually considering it instead of shutting it down straight away.

jean was aware of this, his light brown eyes darting from you to marco in alarm.

“no, marco’s not doing it either,” he demanded with an air of dominance. he made eye contact with the said boy. “you’re not doing it.”

“who are you, his mother?” you teased, smirking. “he can make decisions for himself.”

“yeah, except when it comes to you.”

“and that’s where you come in?”

“i’m saving him.”

“from what?”

“from you!”

“i pose no danger to him,” you say honestly. “it’s just a small favour.”

“a small favour for something big, i know it.”

you said nothing.

“i’m right, aren’t i?” questioned jean, eyes wide.

“marco,” you say soothingly, choosing to ignore jean and his frantic self, “what do you say? help a girl out?”

marco had a hand over his chin, looking as though he were deciding something life threatening. men are so dramatic, you thought to yourself.

“i don’t know..” he said, causing your patience to thin.

“marco, you’re smarter than this,” that stupid jean intervened, and you felt a tingle in your arm that you knew could be solved if you swung it at his face.

you racked your brains for a small moment, trying to gather ideas of what could persuade your rational friend.

“i’ll forgive you for your betrayal?” you tried convincingly.

“sold.”

“what?” yelled jean, outraged.

you smiled widely, holding a hand out to marco to pull him up. he took it sheepishly, standing up and then shaking it as if you guys had made a wonderful business deal — to you, perhaps it was. you did mean business after all.

“i knew you’d redeem yourself,” you told him excitedly, blocking out jean’s exaggerating arm movements of protest. you had half a mind to tell him how he looked as though he were neighing but decided that this was punishment enough.

marco scratched the back of his head once his hand had been released from your hold.

“so what’s this plan of yours?”

“i need to get into keith’s office,” you revealed calmly; jean looked scandalised.

he turned to marco.

“don’t tell me that’s not risky,” he said sharply. then, he looked back at you, eyebrows raised so far up his head, lines were beginning to form. “and who the fuck are you calling ‘keith’?”

you groaned, slapping your forehead.

“it just keeps slipping out,” you admitted, barely abashed. “never mind that. i have to get something in there.”

“what’re you looking for?” asked marco curiously.

“i don’t really know yet,” you answered.

jean let out a dry laugh.

“definitely not a red flag or anything.”

“can it,” you hissed, eyes narrowed. “i just need to find anything in there that’ll tell me when the captain’s next arrival is. i have to see him again.”

“that’s great and all,” marco began, sounding hesitant once more, “but.. what makes you think that..?”

you raised a brow at him expectantly. the way in which he was searching for words but also leaving his sentence incomplete made you question whether he was expecting you to finish it, to immediately understand whatever he was trying to get at.

“what, marco?”

he rubbed his palms against his jacket, shaking his head rapidly, murmuring something you couldn’t quite catch.

deciding to forget whatever he was going to say, jean seemed to have thought the opposite, choosing to complete his friend’s sentence without a single stutter and the upmost confidence.

“what makes you think that the captain wants to see you again?”

you blinked up at him.

“why wouldn’t he want to see me again?” you shot back. “i’m amazing.”

“so amazing that you even have commandant shadis hiding from you?”

“he doesn’t hide from me.”

jean scowled. “the day after your little farting mishap, i saw him use odm when you came out of the mess hall.”

you were beginning to think that perhaps he was right but you were much more stubborn than jean was.

“all of the higher ups use odm,” you tried, shrugging as though it did not matter at all.

“yeah.. when they’re in definite danger. gas and supplies have to be saved at all times, so the fact that he uses it when he sees you near —”

your heart had probably dropped in to your stomach and you felt sick. if you had managed to scare away shadis, what first impression did you leave on your soon-to-be husband? what did he think of you now? a cadet that went haywire? a cadet that is in need of proper discipline? or worse.. a cadet that is unworthy of joining the scout regiment?

the urge to pull your hair out of the roots was only growing bigger and bigger, for the realisation that perhaps he was even considering banning you from joining the scouts and reuniting with your partner in crime (erwin) had just become more notable to you.

no, that can’t be possible, a voice in your head spoke, erwin would put in a good word for you, right? … right?

and now a sense of dread filled you from the top of your head all the way to the tips of your toes.

instead of deterring you from your plan, your friends seemed to have accidentally got you determined to complete the plan at more urgency than before.

“well then the plan has to happen today,” you declared, determined.

jean’s face resembled one of trauma.

“what? no, that’s not what i —”

“scrap that,” you re-decided, ignoring the way jean’s shoulders had dropped as though a weight had been lifted off of them, “the plan has to happen right now.”

he looked more alarmed than ever.

“no!”

“where’s keith right now?” you asked marco, who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. “is he on duty?”

“i don’t know his schedule,” marco responded nervously. “i thought you would. hey, why are we doing this right now?”

“because i just realised i need to make a new first impression,” you answered confidently. “he probably wants nothing to do with me, i have to see him and prepare a plan b.”

“just.. why?” groaned jean, rubbing his hands over his face exhaustedly.

you glared at him.

“all married couples have arguments like this, we’re just in the middle of one,” you told him wisely. “stay out of it, jean.”

“trust me, i will.”

a headache beginning to form, you turned around, a hand placed just over your eyes to shield yourself from the sun for a better view of the mess hall from afar. you wondered whether keith would be inside there, frightening the cadets as they wolfed down their breakfast. the only way, you concluded, that you would be able to see if his office was free or not was to walk by it, slyly shaking the door knob to see whether it was locked or not. and seeing as keith was trying his best to avoid you, if he did encounter you, it’s less likely that he would reprimand you in comparison to how likely it would be that he merely ignores your presence and runs away.

you clapped your hands together, ignoring the way both jean and marco jumped ever so slightly at the impact of your palms meeting.

“i know what i have to do,” you stated proudly, eyeing marco. “what we have to do.”

“marco,” jean called out warningly.

“jean, do not make me get you a family reunion,” you threatened honestly. “believe it or not, i really don’t want to —”

“please stop arguing,” sighed marco, standing between the two of you as a peacemaker. “please?”

you smiled innocently, gazing up at jean’s chocolate-brown eyes in victory; he did not return the gesture, opting to glare daggers at you instead. victory truly was sweet, because no matter how many times jean tried now, marco was still part of your plan out of his own free will — nothing to do with you of course.

“i have to check keith’s office,” you told them, specifically marco, calmly.

“commandant shadis,” corrected jean bitterly. “before you go around telling everyone i told you to call him that.”

“it happened six days ago, get over it,” you dismissed him bluntly. “now, i just need to go over there and get inside. you have to cover me.”

marco looked you up and down before sharing his thoughts with you.

“not to be cocky or anything,” he started, scratching the back of his head with a brow raised, “but with how short you are, i don’t think you even need me for that.”

“not just physically,” you said, flicking his forehead at his stupidity. “if keith comes over, then you have to talk to him, bring up some sort of conversation.”

“won’t he get suspicious?”

you laughed.

“marco, you of all people don’t have to worry about that.”

“that’s not what he meant,” added jean, rolling his eyes at you. “shadis will think something’s up ‘cause, for some stupid reason, we’re friends with you. he’ll know you’re up to something and that you’re using marco to do it.”

although it was a good point, you knew that this part of the plan would be the least of your worries.

“keith’s not that smart,” you countered, sounding as sure as you felt. “if he was, the countless other stuff that i’ve done in the three years that i’ve been here wouldn’t have happened under his watch. just trust me on this.”

jean did not seem convinced, but marco looked worse. it would be more helpful if jean was helping out, but seeing as he was so fucking stubborn on his decision, you knew he couldn’t be moved and you would rather die than admit that his help was very much needed. it didn’t matter as much that he was not persuaded, so long as marco was, you would be fine, but that was the problem: he wasn’t.

“if we get caught — which we won’t — i’ll take the blame,” you reassured, but that only made marco’s frown deepen.

“what? no, that wouldn’t be fair at all —”

you’d had enough.

“marco, if you don’t shut the fudge up and just let me take the lead, i will slap you.”

sheepishly, he smiled.

“i guess i deserved that,” he mumbled. “i’ll do it.”

you beamed. “wonderful! let’s go now.”

you turned away, feeling a swell of pride bloom in your chest. this was one out of the many failed attempts that you had managed to successfully corrupt marco bott, and jean was not able to prevent it like he usually could.

“n-now?” you heard marco stutter.

“no, tomorrow afternoon.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

you intertwined your fingers together behind your back, walking along the corridors lightened up by the sun through the windows with ease, trying your best to look as though you were not up to anything.

it was difficult, though.

on several occasions, people looked back at you with curiosity, grinning behind their hands as they whispered amongst themselves something that, no doubt, had to do with you. once or twice you heard the very words ‘what’s she doing now?’ when you waited by the window sill, carefully watching marco run around the field keeping an eye out for keith.

at long last, marco turned around and looked up, waving frantically to grab your attention and then presenting to you two thumbs up, letting you know that the beast (keith) had been spotted and the plan was to commence.

adrenaline running through your veins like a marathon runner, you hurriedly walked over to the door, walking up and down the corridor once.. twice.. three times before standing in front of his office, hands behind your back as you clasped the cool door knob.

you pushed your head forwards and looked left and right before movement had been caught to your attention: ready to explain yourself, you noticed that it was a false alarm, that keith was still outside somewhere with marco covering you. instead, the very people not far down the corridor were three you knew all too well: eren jaeger, mikasa ackerman, and armin arlert.

sighing in relief, you violently shook the knob not realising how old the door must have been, because it made a loud clattering noise so that the three that were walking away from you were now forced to look over their shoulders and identify what (or rather who) was making such a racket.

it didn’t matter that mikasa’s dark eyes were piercing directly into yours in mild peculiarity, nor did it matter that eren was now intrigued with whatever the hell you were doing — judging by the way he opted to step back and regard you with a raised eyebrow.

“what’re you doing?” he asked, when you had silently cheered because of the creak of the door opening. “why are you outside the commandant’s office?”

if this kid wasn’t so damn nosy all the time, you thought to yourself, taking a step back into the office.

“i’m waiting for him,” you lied quickly. “er — be on your way now.”

eren’s brows were beginning to furrow. ah shoot, you cursed in your head, forgot he has anger issues.

“sorry,” you apologised, eyeing mikasa for help. you knew she also felt that eren stuck his nose in business that was not his. “i just have something to do.”

“like farting in the commandant’s office?” armin perked up.

at first, you thought he was spiting you, but when you actually stared at him, you realised that he was drop dead serious, a question with no malicious intent behind it. besides, it was armin, armin who never caused any trouble, armin who was almost as innocent as marco. his cheeks turned pink when he got no response from you, so you hurried to correct him.

“no,” you scowled, barely abashed. “i didn’t do it on purpose —”

“why didn’t you just hold it in?” asked eren, shrugging.

armin nodded in agreement. “yeah, you couldn’t have gotten in trouble if you did. was it really that bad?”

“i —”

“commandant shadis looks distressed nowadays,” mikasa commented coolly. “is it because of you?”

“it was a fart, it’s super unhealthy if you hold — wait.. why am i even explaining myself to you?”

you became wary of the little time you had left in your hands, majority of it used up because of eren’s stupid inquisitiveness.

“i have business to attend to!” you stated, frustrated.

and with that, you shut the door in their faces, exhaling in annoyance.

only for you to open the door once more and find them standing there, bewildered and blank faced.

“if anyone asks, you didn’t see me here,” you said, slamming the door again.

you could have sworn your heard armin question whether you were up to something or not and whether this meant that it’d be joint enterprise because they were at the scene. yep, you thought dryly, as innocent as marco.

shaking the thought away, you began to get to work, all but sprinting to his desk in search for papers, notes, anything that would alert you of the captain’s next arrival. there was no luck at all, all the sheets on his desk were merely random forms for god-knows-what. you did, however, notice a small change to the room in comparison to your last visit: there were several candles around the room even though the lamp was still working (you had checked just to be sure). it was after a more thorough examination (where you brought the candle up to eye level) did you realise that it was scented. what smell was he trying to get rid of by using scented candles?

you shrugged, lord knew at this point, because you surely didn’t.

you began to grow more irked with your constant failure at every attempt on searching for anything that would hint at the captain’s next arrival, before you grew intrigued by a thin sheet underneath one of the lit up candles.

interested, you dashed forwards, lifting the candle and taking the note underneath it. hands shaky, your eyes scanned the messy scrawl you noticed to be keith’s handwriting before nearly squealing in excitement, feeling the same rush of exhilaration you usually felt when flying through the trees using odm. the note read: ‘higher ups expected to help with the examinations for the 104th cadets next week’.

and that was all the information you needed before bolting out of the room, passing keith who paused, stared at you, and then sighed, shaking his head as he walked away.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

today was a good day. the day after was even better. and the day after that was brilliantly excellent.

even the during mandatory training session, you had managed to out-do annie in hand-to-hand combat, and when she stood back up after taking a particularly hard beat down from you, she regarded you with a nod, which was much more recognition she gave to anyone ever.

“do i even want to know what’s got you in such a disgusting mood?” keith had the audacity to ask that day, reluctantly ticking something on the paper that was pressed against the clipboard in his hands. you had a very strong feeling it had something to do with your training progress.

“i’d be happy to explain,” you lied, sending him a smile that was all too fake.

the commandant walked away from you, grunting. “please don’t.”

you raised your middle finger at him as he marched over to mikasa next.

by that point, both jean and marco had made it to your side, all of you collectively watching as keith nodded to the dark haired girl, praising her silently with his eyes.

“think he noticed?” questioned jean, leaning in to your side to speak in a low voice.

“he’s daft,” you assured, mainly for marco’s comfort — who was standing on your right shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. “hasn’t suspected a thing.”

“good,” voiced jean sourly. “you know what we — i mean — marco had to go through trying to speak to him? it was hell.”

you looked up at him skeptically. “so why are you so pissed?”

jean took this accusation to heart.

“i’m not!”

“okay.”

“but i’m not!”

“fine.”

“i don’t know what made you think —”

“jean, shut the frick up,” you sighed, clueless as to why he was getting so defensive. you raised a brow at marco, who shrugged at your friend’s odd behaviour.

but jean, instead of continuing to act in such a weird manner, opted to glance at you in disgust, looking you up and down and returning to his usual argumentative personality. you scowled at him, tilting your head up to address him directly.

“what?” you vocalised accusingly.

“it wouldn’t kill you to swear, y’know.”

“what’s it to you?” you interrogated defensively. “honestly jean, keep your flipping mouth shut.”

“on a better note,” started marco, very obviously changing the conversation, “your training has gotten so much better, y/n. had a change of heart?”

you looked away from jean, watching as your fellow classmates continued battling each other with desperation. as keith moved around the different pairs, you noticed how every time he got close to one of them, they would immediately fix their posture and fight as if their lives depended on it. it seemed as though people were really taking it serious from here on out, but it made your stomach flip uncomfortably. as much as you would love to join the scouts, this was only a scarce reminder that the three years you spent with all these people would be long gone and (possibly) forgotten, too.

“no,” you answered truthfully, releasing a tired breath. “i just feel good. and humble me real quick because it’s only hand-to-hand combat. i’m the best at that.”

“won’t help you much if you plan on fighting titans,” mumbled jean.

you chose to ignore his comment, clearly made to prove to you how the scout regiment is not where you should be going.

still, that didn’t stop you from stepping on his foot and relishing in the feeling of triumph when his face turned a nasty shade of blue; you grinned nonetheless.

the day after that was when it was real competition. the second you woke from your long, recharging sleep, you noticed how the bed across you (usually occupied by sasha) was made neatly and looked as if it hadn’t been slept in. this was an odd occurrence because you knew sasha very well, and you also knew her to be up only moments after you for breakfast — which you sometimes skipped to join jean and marco in their early morning training (begrudgingly, of course).

when you walked along the corridors to make you way to the boys’ barracks, people were putting their heads together to whisper in hushed voices, looking all too stressed with dark bags underneath their reddened eyes. their nerves were beginning to make yours become more existent. had they lost sleep over this? but you hadn’t, so what did that say about you?

palms tingling, you ignored the sign besides the entrance to the boys’ barracks stating (in bold) ‘no girls allowed’. you weren’t even sure whether the higher ups put it there or if one of the former cadets did. either way, you had ignored it on your first day in the training corps (and had several pillows thrown at you) and will continue to ignore it till your last day; it was tradition now.

and with that, you reached the fourth door down to the left of the corridor, one that you had memorised after taking this path for three years straight without fail. where you used to receive grimaces at your appearance in this area of the building by the boys who resided here, you now no longer get a second glance, as if you had become the exception to the words in bold. funny, you thought, as you entered their room without knocking, because you remembered the odd glances krista had gotten when she (bless her soul) was helping patch thomas wagner up after a particularly rough day of training.

you didn’t get to breathe a single bit of sweat and whatever else their stinky room smelt of before your face was met with the soft impact of a pillow mashing against your nose. hand tightened on the door knob you hadn’t let go of yet, you opened your eyes — when had you closed them? — and frowned at your attacker: jean was sitting upright on the bottom bunk of his bed, glaring at you as if you had betrayed him in some way (the irony).

“wow,” you spoke dryly, “that hurt.”

“learn to knock, woman!”

“i called it,” you heard marco sigh from the other end of the small room.

you raised a brow at him.

“your arrival,” he clarified helpfully. unlike jean, marco was not completely dressed, still taking his time with the straps on his chest. “i predicted it.”

you shut the door behind you, leaning against the cool wood. “congratulations buddy. want a reward?”

marco, to your surprise, actually nodded.

“not exactly,” he answered, and then turned around to reveal his back side where the straps had not been tied properly. “just a little help if you don’t mind.”

you said nothing as you helped him out, stepping forward without hesitation. ever the smartest one of you all, jean had decided that your compliance and lack of energy meant something was wrong, whether for you or for them, he had no clue, and took great care in demanding answers from you.

“thought you’d be excited for today,” he snapped after you carefully placed his pillow on his bed rather than choosing to smother him with it. he narrowed his eyes at you. “what’s wrong with you?”

“nothing,” you shrugged.

“bullshit.”

“hey, if she’s behaving, that’s all we’ve ever wanted,” intervened marco brightly. he stood beside you, smiling, and you noticed that the proximity between you was so little, you could count each freckle dotted on his cheeks if you so wished. “i don’t think we should be questioning it.”

“the hell is that supposed to mean?” you voiced defensively.

jean sat up in a way that looked as though he was expecting something.. almost hopeful you’d let out a certain reaction to confirm his theories. luckily for him, you did not have the energy to annoy them like you usually did, and so you had no choice but to resort to a more calm response (which was notably very much unlike you).

“whatever,” you sighed, tired.

his eyebrows rose up so that there were lines on his forehead.

“wha—”

“when are we leaving for breakfast?” you asked neutrally.

jean’s head swivelled to face marco, who was looking mildly impressed.

“you’re not gonna question her behaviour?” he demanded, staring at the dark haired boy in outrage. “why’s she acting like this?” he glared at you. “why are you acting like this?”

you blinked. “do you want me to hit you?”

“maybe it’s the stress for the exams,” marco innocently suggested.

at that, jean did not waste any time in demonstrating how wrong he felt that answer was. bursting out in fits of laughter with a hand draped over his lower abdomen and his other hand pointed at their freckled friend, jean practically choked on his own spit. you scowled.

“all right man, it’s not that funny.”

“her? stressed for the exams?” he managed to breathe out, unnecessarily slapping his knee at the thought. you hoped he would injure himself sooner or later. “have i ever told you how funny you are, marco?”

marco scratched the back of his head, shrugging instead of choosing to reply. obviously jean had not, but nobody was going to voice that out loud.

truthfully, it wasn’t exactly the stress of the exams that had got you in such a lazy mood, but rather the fact that your husband — hang on, time to be serious — your crush was going to be present, and you had spent no time attempting to better your scores like everyone else had been doing. it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because you had no care for it, but that was the issue: the idea that because you had no care for it — unlike everyone else — there’s a possibility that you won’t be able to impress him when some people might have surpassed you during the time that you had decided to not do excessive training.

but of course, if you told them that, then they’d just go back to thinking you weren’t being serious when you one hundred percent were.

“we’re going to miss breakfast,” you pointed out observantly.

jean stood up, dusting himself off with an air of free confidence, a smirk playing on his lips which you wanted so badly to slap off. perhaps when you finally get into a better mood, you will.

“come on then,” he suggested cheerfully, striding over to the closed door, “if you’re so eager.”

jean was probably the only person you had seen that day who was not shitting himself due to the exams. well, perhaps sasha too, but did she really count when before she had been gifted with some bread and cheese, she looked so close to tears?

it didn’t matter in the end, not when the dry bread in your mouth nearly choked you mercilessly at the sound of his voice.

his voice.

it was enough to wake you from your non-existent slumber, enough to shake you from your lazy mood, enough to splash ice cold water on your face like a harsh reality check. you slapped a hand over your mouth, tears blurring your vision as you coughed, your other hand gripping onto the wood of the table so hard, you felt your nails digging into the table.

jean gave you a single glance before ultimately deciding to help out, slapping your back (albeit, harder than he should have and the fucker knew it) before looking around, trying to decipher what had got you in such a state.

“woah, even y/n’s nervous,” you heard connie chuckle from beside marco who, bless him, was silently urging you to drink some water.

you glared at the cocky, bald headed cadet who was holding his head in the palm of his hand.

“i am not nervous!” you snapped, a hand around your neck to ease yourself.

it wasn’t a complete lie, because no, you weren’t nervous about the exams. you were nervous about how you performed in front of captain levi, the man who was having a conversation with keith outside of the mess ha— hang on a minute.. he was having a conversation with keith!

sight now coated in red, steam might as well have been protruding from your ears, for if glares could kill, keith would have been dead ten times over.

connie coughed loudly. “chill out man, i was just kidding.”

you averted your gaze to him.

everyone at the table was watching you intently: you hadn’t realised that it looked as though you were directing your anger towards the clown that you knew to be connie even though you knew all too well it was your arch-nemesis, but they had no clue. maybe that was a good thing, your cover would have been blown if not for their completely wrong ideas. your blood was no longer boiling as much as it had been previously.

exhaling through your nose, you shook your head.

“it’s not that,” you informed them, ripping off another piece of bread and popping into your mouth with a sigh. “i have someone to impress.”

at that, everyone’s heads leaned in, some looking amused, others looking baffled. some even had the audacity to look skeptical (stupid idiots, you’ll show them!). jean and marco, however, shook their heads and sighed, looking unimpressed.

“here we go again,” you heard jean mutter. you repressed the urge to shove his face into marco’s porridge.

connie cackled loudly, pointing at you as if he had heard a joke worthy of making even captain levi’s mouth twitch. “you got your eye on someone?” he chortled, wriggling his brows. he looked more like a clown than ever.

“no,” you rolled your eyes. how dumb could he be? “he’s got his eye on me.”

they all looked at jean and marco for confirmation.

“don’t look at me,” stated marco, raising his hands up in a way that practically screamed ‘i’m not involved’. a form of betrayal you won’t forget.

“come on now,” began thomas wagner, who had been sitting quietly up until now. after hearing his next sentence, you thought that perhaps he should have stayed quiet. forever. “you guys aren’t actually buying this?”

you narrowed your eyes at him, your grip on your bread tightening. your day was already not having a good start, this was merely worsening it. “why wouldn’t they?”

maybe jean was sensing trouble, because he seemed to be acting as a piece maker for the first time in his life. someone give him a reward. “thomas,” he pressed on warningly.

thomas wagner, however, continued to joke. jean knew he meant no harm, just a friendly conversation, but where these conversations used to poke some fun at armin, or eren, or even him, jean, they had rarely ever been focused on annoying you, y/n. especially not when you were already in a sour mood. if commandant keith did not scare you on your good days, what the hell were you capable of on your bad ones?

wagner was playing a dangerous game without knowing it, it was only fair jean warned him.

but the blonde idiot was not getting it, and jean could tell your patience was waring thin.

“every guy is scared of you,” answered thomas, rewarding himself with laughter from the listeners.

true, you thought carelessly. but captain levi is not ‘every guy’.

jean’s shoulders drooped in relief. he didn’t say anything too bad.

“and,” wagner continued; jean was tense again (why doesn’t this idiot just shut the fuck up?), “this guy probably doesn’t even exist.”

BAM!

you kicked the bench wagner had been sitting on, hard enough to push it back despite the fact that it was being shared by the weights of many people, and the next thing anyone knew, he was on the floor, clutching at his buttocks in confusion and pain.

oh, and that wasn’t all.

keith was now looming over the table, sporting a deep scowl (when had he gotten here? you had no clue).

“it was y/n, sir!” some redheaded guy accused loudly.

you didn’t even bother denying it, but that did not stop you from sending him the dirtiest look you could muster: who even was this guy?

“do i know you?” you voiced, watching as his ears turned a deep shade of crimson.

“y/n,” sighed jean, nudging you with his foot as marco put his head down to avoid eye contact with the exasperated commandant.

“i already knew who it was before i even looked at what had happened,” keith scoffed, ignoring the way reiner braun was stifling his laughter, ignoring the way bertholdt hoover was silently choking on his bread, ignoring the way mina carolina was using her pigtails to silence her giggling. keith then shoved wagner from the behind with his foot. “get up, scum. your training starts now.”

and then he left.

wait.. he left? you questioned, raising your head to glance at the door to find that, yes, indeed, he had left.

but it was not only you who had been pondering his odd actions. the entire table was now gazing at you with wonder, envy, and amusement as you pushed away your now empty plate.

“and if it were any of us..” began jean, bitterly.

“what’s your trick?” asked connie, looking very interested as thomas wagner begrudgingly climbed back onto his seat. “whatever it is, i need it.”

“no, i do!” argued sasha, which (to be fair) she really did. ever since the first day, keith had it out for both of you — mainly you, seeing as sasha had only done one wrong whereas you had committed plenty of offences.

“i think he’s just fed up of you, y/n,” armin helpfully answered the question you failed to. “every single one of us set the standard. fortunately, y/n set it really low, so he expects everything she does now.”

“oi,” you snapped, realising how troublesome that sounded. maybe that was why your mother did not seem too upset with you leaving the house for the training corps.

“you’re annoyed ‘cause it’s true,” said jean sternly.

his stupid ass was so engrossed in lecturing you, he missed the way sasha had stolen his final loaf of bread from right under his nose. well, because of his annoying self, you decided you wouldn’t tell him that the bread sasha was now munching on was definitely not her’s.

“maybe use this new information to.. i don’t know.. fix up?” suggested marco kindly. he looked away when you met his gaze, rubbing the back of his neck timidly. “or i think that’s what jean meant —”

“i didn’t.”

“jean, i’m trying to make her less angry at you —”

“you do realise that i can hear you perfectly well, right?” you interrupted, frowning at their stupidity.

and the last few minutes of breakfast went by with you and jean arguing, marco attempting to make peace, thomas wagner being awfully quiet now (though watching your trio with amusement like everybody else), and none of you noticing the watchful, grey eyes that the stoic figure by the double doors had on you all.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

“line up, maggots!”

you stood behind a tall, brunette boy. after some close examination, you realised that it was eren, and then you felt depressed all over again. not only was he being so damn determined, his height was preventing you from seeing anything at the front, including the delicious, short man standing beside keith with his arms folded tightly over his chest. so, frustrated, you took a teeny, tiny step forwards, standing on your tip toes so that eren could hear you when you whispered.

“move a bit to the left, will you?”

eren’s posture, already extremely tight, tightened even further, shoulders raising ever so slightly which told you that he most definitely had heard you. you waited.. and waited.. and waited.. why the hell was he not moving?

you nudged the back of his foot with yours, reminding him of your presence.

“can you move a bit?” you asked again, nicely so that the angry voice that urged him to have anger issues would not go against you when you needed him to comply the most. “please?”

you heard him exhale through his nose. still, no movement. you were beginning to grow agitated as keith’s speech was slowly growing nearer to an end.

“hey, i’m talking to you,” you whispered again, slightly louder to demonstrate your growing agitation.

“no,” you heard him respond, and although it was through a whisper, you could hear how firm he sounded.

you scowled at the back of his head, fingers tingling, prompting you to pull at his hair. goody-two-shoes.

you didn’t give up though, and began poking his back with every chance you got. there were other higher-ups walking up and down the paths, eyes wandering over every single cadet to make sure they were not talking and were completely focused on keith’s speech before they would enter the examination room. this meant that any time the coast was clear, you’d go back to poking him, nudging him, begging him, and all the while he remained stagnant. like the idiot he is, you thought sourly.

“(…) and if any one of you is caught talking, you will be disqualified and get a fat zero for that specific exam!” keith was saying, but it was only going through one ear and out the other for you, your main focus being on trying to see the captain. “your first exam will be the written test! empty your pockets now! any pieces of paper we find on you once you go in will count as a cheat sheet, you have been warned, cadets!”

annoyed, you kicked at the back of his knees, and to your surprise, he quite literally nearly fell, bending over before catching his balance and standing up straight once more. it would have been quite funny for you if you weren’t so furious right now. the movement did not go unnoticed by keith, however, who moved over to the right and glared at eren.

“JAEGER!” he bellowed, the whites of his eyes so visible his pupils looked like slits. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

before eren could even apologise, keith had his attention elsewhere, looking around for something.

you tilted your head to the side, still attempting to find captain levi, only to see that you had fallen right into keith’s line of sight. fuck’s sake, you thought to yourself, not because his features were slowly starting to harden even further as he looked around, but because moving out of position was now useless when the commandant was covering the man you so desperately wanted to see. you moved your head back in place so that you were concealed by eren’s tall figure once more, disappointed. no use in having eren move for you now, you concluded.

“line up straight, maggots!” the commandant ordered, everyone’s posture straightening by instinct. “AND WHERE IS L/N?”

people around you were now turning their heads, no doubt looking for you. you eyes widened, trying to think of what you might have done that had gotten you into trouble again. bending your knees slightly so he couldn’t find you (you glared at the people around you so they knew not to snake you), you racked your brains of the morning, trying to figure out where you had gone wrong. apart from the wagner incident which keith knew of, what else had you done wrong today?

before you could think of anything, the back of eren’s head that you were looking at was now replaced with the front, and you were surprised to see that the bastard had a ghost of a smirk on his lips.

“don’t move,” you whispered pleadingly.

he didn’t say anything and only turned around, as slow as a snail, before raising his arm up.

“what, jaeger?” snapped keith, distracted.

again, eren said nothing.

but instead, he did the opposite of what you asked of him.

the fucker moved. to. the. left.

and keith saw you.

“you actual snitch!” you snapped, the desire to pull at his hair till he turned bald eating you up inside. “you snake! teacher’s bloody pet —”

“i want l/n at the front, now!” demanded keith, voice ringing in your ears despite being such a distance away from him.

you wanted to stomp your feet to demonstrate your irritation, you wanted to throw a tantrum loud enough for him to reconsider, but most of all, you wanted to slap eren jaeger till your handprint was left on his cheek: now you understood why jean hated him so much.

“any day now!” the commandant shouted when you hadn’t moved.

grumbling (and muttering profanities and curses you knew eren would most definitely be able to hear), you slowly made your way to the front, dragging your feet against the concrete reluctantly. because the lines were ordered without a flaw in place, you had to switch places with annie leonhart, a blonde haired, stoic girl who had a heart made of stone so that you had a position at the front. she made no comment about this decision, and silently obeyed by marching to your previous spot without complaint.

keith opened his mouth to continue his speech, but you were left with questions unanswered.

“why am i at the front?”

he did not bother giving you a single glance as he responded. “something always goes wrong when i don’t have my eye on you. i believe what happened to jaeger was all your doing.”

“no it wasn’t —”

“RIGHT, you worthless shits!” continued keith, rudely ignoring your argument.

you scowled, hands behind your back which you straightened at last. keith continued talking to your peers, walking up and down the rows of cadets addressing what would happen next. however, you were not listening. where at the back you were most distracted with finding captain levi, now at the front you were most distracted by captain levi himself. being at the front had its benefits, it seemed, for now you had a clear view of the man. you were close enough to see the exact, precise colour of grey his eyes were, close enough to see every thin strand of his hair that would fall against his head (slightly out of place), close enough to see the crease between his brows when he looked around. if you wanted to, you could examine every single detail about his flawless face and draw it on paper better than jean — who had much more experience with sketching — ever could.

he wasn’t looking at you, though, but that was okay. you would probably faint if he made eye contact anyway.

he looked majestic. grumpy, yes, but majestic all the same. the way in which he stood —

click! click!

you couldn’t see him anymore, vision taken over by a tanned hand that you knew belonged to —

“PAY ATTENTION, L/N!”

blinking several times, you looked up, met with the hard eyes that were keith’s; he did not look impressed. when did he ever? you thought to yourself, unamused. neck warm, and unbeknownst to the second pair of eyes that were focused on just you, you took a step back, grimacing at the hand in your face.

“i’m listening, i’m listening,” you mumbled, trying to stay in place.

“you’re unfocused!” keith scolded loudly. “take that trait with you to the scout regiment and you’ll be the first to die!”

you knew what he was trying to do. make you look bad in front of the captain of the scout regiment himself so that he would fall for him and not you. you bit your tongue, holding it so that you did not get yourself stuck in a sticky situation like last time.

“focus, cadet!”

“i am —”

“backs straight, all of you!”

you sighed, aware that it was going to be a long, long day.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

all the cadets were taken into the examination room, line by line. the only issue with this was that keith had (without hesitation) ordered the higher-ups to escort you specifically and to walk by you side-by-side as if you were a child who needed more discipline than the others. for starters, no, you were not a child, and it was unfair that he would single you out just because of your unspoken chemistry and connection with captain levi. it wasn’t your fault that his love was unrequited (or maybe it was, because you were a barrier indeed).

anyway, the main problem wasn’t that you had to be singled out and escorted. the issue was that when keith loudly instructed that one of the higher-ups volunteer themselves to willingly do so, none of them agreed. in fact, when you looked around to see why it was so silent, you were sure that many of them even pretended not to hear him.

it had to be reiterated.

they pretended as though they could not hear commandant keith shadis, who needed no megaphone to allow himself to be heard.

offended, but content that you could walk independently like an adult, you grinned, a sight keith was not happy with.

“what’re you smiling about?” he jabbed, hands clasped behind his back as he towered over you in a way that you thought was supposed to be intimidating. it wasn’t.

“i can walk in myself, then?” you questioned, knowingly giving him the answer to the question with pride.

to your surprise, however, keith did not give you the answer you were expecting.

“no.”

you blinked. “no?”

“are you DEAF, CADET?” he yelled, and your head throbbed with the increasing volume of his voice. “DO YOU NEED ME TO REPEAT MYSELF? IF YOU CAN’T EVEN HEAR ME SPEAK, HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO HEAR THE FOOTSTEPS OF ONCOMING TITANS? YOU’LL BE THE —”

“‘first to die’, yeah, yeah, i get it,” you interrupted, rolling your eyes. you could hear sniggering as the lines began to move. what the hell did these people find so funny? “can i go in now?”

“not without an accomplice,” he answered, turning on the spot to glance at captain levi.

the captain stood there, scowling at the commandant. he said nothing, did absolutely nothing, yet somehow you knew that it was going to be him. what you did not know, however, was when that had been decided. had they been having a secret, silent form of communication, a sort of code that you were unaware of? but you were watching keith the entire time, what could you have missed?

it clicked.

every time they looked at each other, it was like there was some type of conversation going on through their eyes.

and then you were jealous.

but you hid it well of course, not letting the anger in you show so that keith wouldn’t be satisfied with how his plan of tearing you and your lover apart was slowly working.

you glanced at captain levi as if waiting for a confirmation. he turned around, began walking, then stopped, craning his neck over his shoulder to glare at you.

“are you sitting this exam or not?”

you swallowed on nothing, nodded, and then marched forwards, falling in line with the captain. the walk was silent, but also wrong. not in the sense that you and him walking together was a bad thing, but because he was walking around the building instead of going through the same entrance everyone else was walking in. curious, you addressed this.

“why are we going this way?”

he didn’t answer.

“everyone else is going to the classrooms.”

he didn’t respond.

“are you taking me to the mess hall?”

he didn’t say anything.

“why do you walk like that?”

“fucking hell, the bald shit was right about you,” the captain grumbled, side eyeing you as he walked.

you narrowed your eyes, figuring that it probably wasn’t anything good.

“what did he say?”

“none of your business.”

“it is my business if it’s about me,” you replied, almost skipping as you walked. who knew having a conversation with the stoic captain levi would be so chill?

he took note of the slight skip in your walk.

“walk properly,” he demanded, looking away when you glanced up at him curiously.

“what, like you?”

if he heard you, he didn’t make any indication that he did. shrugging, you formed an expression like his, shoving your hands in your pockets and then exaggeratedly straightening your back, attempting to walk just like he did, except for the fact that there was more femininity in the way you did, which you tried fixing, but could not.

you walked like this for about a straight minute before he noticed what you were doing. when he did, you smiled, gesturing to your legs that weren’t exactly complying.

he gave you the dirtiest look you had ever seen him give anyone. “what the hell are you doing?”

“am i doing it right?” you asked brightly, ignoring his question which you knew he already had the answer to. “i think i got my top half right, it’s just my legs. you walk like you’ve got somewhere to be —”

“that’s the purpose of your legs, idiot.”

“see, you calling me an idiot isn’t the serve you think it is if i like it,” you notified him wisely.

he glanced at you in a way where you could not decipher what he was thinking. would it kill him to smile just a little? you pondered.

“Coccydynia,” said captain levi, looking as though he was pretending not to await your response.

“it’s not an insult if i don’t know what it means,” you revealed, laughing before realising that captain levi does not laugh when he walks. you coughed, covering it up, but you could tell he knew what you were doing.

“that explains everything,” he stated quietly, but you heard it all the same.

“has keith been telling lies behind my back?” you said, a brow raised in concern, nearly tripping over your own feet. “i don’t know how you walk like this every day —”

“i don’t, you brat,” snapped captain levi, scoffing at your act that he thought looked nothing like him, “and stop calling him by his first name. that’s an order.”

“fine,” you agreed.

he raised a brow at you.

“fine?” he repeated, as though he heard something not worth believing like it was a trap set to kill.

“fine,” you nodded calmly.

he furrowed his brows, looking ahead once more as the two of you walked through the opened double doors.

"that was easy," commented captain levi, regarding you with little emotion as you followed him like a shadow. you were now taking notice of the fact that you were walking towards the classrooms, but the long way. "so what does shadis find so difficult about giving orders to you?"

"he doesn't find it difficult," you announced, undisturbed, "and if he does, he gives them to me anyway. second nature to him now, i think."

captain levi scoffed, almost in a way that sounded like it was a form of realisation. "so you're one of the trouble cadets? should've known."

"wha— no!" you denied, brows furrowed and no longer attempting to walk like him. "i follow orders really well actually. kei— i mean — commandant shadis just doesn't give me enough credit for it."

"you have anyone that can vouch for you?"

he trapped you in a corner now, because when your first thought was jean and marco, the voice at the back of your mind told you that they would most definitely not vouch for you. that short moment of silence was enough for the captain to know the answer, so scoffing, he walked on, making no attempt to bring up a conversation any longer.

"i followed your order," you pointed out smartly. 

he stopped walking, and so did you; stood a few metres behind him, you could tell you had him backed into a corner like he had you at one point. for what reason, though, you had no clue. 

captain levi glanced at you from over his shoulder, face stone cold and voice just as bored. "you'd be foolish not to," he told you, stultifying.

"is that a challenge?" you said, brow raised and a ghost of a smirk on your face. 

the captain was now staring at you in definite shock. of course, his brows weren't as high up as yours would have been, his eyes weren't as widened as yours would have been, his top and bottom lip weren't as widely parted as yours would have been: the small change in his demeanour like the way in which his pupils dilated ever so slightly or the way in which his sharp jaw was left just the slightest bit agape was enough to tell you that you left him speechless. 

the question was why. why was it such a shock to him that you were challenging him? had he never had someone speak to him as if it were a regular conversation? or had you, perhaps, said something completely out of line?

"i'm not part of the scouts yet," you mentioned, walking forwards so that you were directly in front of him now, "so i don't have to answer to you, right?"

he blinked..

and then frowned, the lids of his eyes back to covering half of his pupils. 

"you're asking for a kick to your backside," he finally voiced, "i don't know how shadis keeps up with you."

"i'll take that as a compliment."

"wasn't supposed to be one, now start walking or i'll drag you myself."

you scowled. "keith's rubbing off on you —"

"cadet," he hissed, teeth gritted.

"commandant shadis, i meant," you sighed, disappointed. 

and as the two of you continued to roam the halls in a comfortable silence, you then began to realise that you were taking long detours before reaching the classrooms. wondering why that was, you looked up at the man beside you, trying to figure out his intentions. as if a light bulb was placed directly above your head, your breathing quickened. 

he was trying to get you alone.

but.. why would he do that? you weren't even married.. yet. you weren't prepared, you hadn't even told jean and marco that this wasn't part of your plan, how would they react when they find out eventually? or the better question: could you even bring yourself to tell them? 

palms sweaty and head in a whole other world, you weren't aware of the short glances that the captain would give you every once in a while, a form of checking up on why the lousy cadet beside him (that was you, by the way) would keep looking around warily as if you'd been caught in an illegal act. you were nervous, perhaps, for the exam, which brought him to the conclusion that not only were you such a menace, but you held no regard for the exams, too. he rolled his eyes because, as he said, you were a trouble cadet. 

or maybe even a troubled cadet. why were you nervous to the point where you were now walking closer to the walls of the corridors than to him? 

at last, when you began slowing your walking pace (which thoroughly irked him), he voiced his questions aloud.

"what the hell is wrong with you?"

and he said it harshly.

did not help calm your nerves, by the way. 

"nothing," you lied shakily. "what's wrong with you?"

he scowled at you, turning away briefly and deciding in his head that no, he would never ask you that question ever again, if the situation ever called for it.

but now he had no choice but to take notice of your odd behaviour, because you were practically glued to the wall at this point, slowly lingering as if there was something so interesting about the dust gathered for years that no one had bothered to clean. tramps, he thought in his head, sourly. 

watching you, he waited. 

and he was as impatient as ever.

"get over here," he demanded, vexed. 

you didn't.

"that's an order."

you did.. but ever so slowly. a snail could beat you in a race without even trying. exasperated, he strode forwards, gripped onto your upper arm tight enough to leave marks, and then pulled you forward so that you were forced to walk beside him. 

he must really want me then, you mused, conflicted between feeling panicked or excited. 

"escaping your exams won't get you anywhere but back in the stables," he told you firmly. your brows were knitting together, confused as to why he was talking about exams when he was clearly trying to get you alone in a room with him. he scoffed at the look on your face, walking faster when you tried pressing your feet to the ground. for a man as short as him, he sure was strong as hell. "yeah, i remember. seems like you've forgotten though, don't make me remind you."

what the fudge does that mean?

but before you could ponder on that for any longer, he stopped at the wooden door of a classroom. the very classroom - you noticed - where you took your daily classes, the very classroom you were told you would be in for your written exams. and here you were, not alone with captain levi the second he twisted the knob and opened the door to find befuddled cadets trying to find their assigned seats. 

"get in," he said, wasting no time in turning away to leave. 

you couldn't. not when your heart was practically threatening to leap out of your chest, not when your brain had been completely fried, not when your limbs were rooted to the spot, frozen. and you could see, from your peripheral vision, that he was still looming around the corner, waiting. 

"oi," he called out, voice bouncing along the walls so that you were shaken out of your stupor. you shifted on the spot, staring at him expectantly. "stop wasting time and go inside."

the look on his face - he remained expressionless, a small pout pulling at his lips like something between a frown and a scowl - made it look as though he wanted to say something, but was holding back. in the end, his expression merely hardened, a silent order with his eyes.

"if you don't walk yourself in that room right now, i won't hesitate to use force —"

"all right, all right, keep your hair on," you quickly replied, after thankfully recovering from your petrified state. you felt your heartbeat return to its usual pace, beat after beat, you stood waiting for him to leave. when he didn't (as if he expected you to run away the second he turned the corner) you grinned, lifting an arm to send him an exaggerated wave. "wish me luck!"

the aloof captain simply rolled his eyes; you took that well regardless. 

when you found your seat at last (after taking your sweet time walking in the room as you were processing the previous events) you sat, pulled yourself in with your chair, and clasped your hands together on the table in front of you, deep in thought. yes, you were one hundred percent wrong with the captain's intentions, and now really thinking about it, why would someone like him try to get you alone after knowing you for only a solid five minutes? it just didn't make sense, and if you had just realised that earlier, perhaps the disappointment blooming in your chest wouldn't have existed at all: even though you were scared and unprepared shitless, you would practically kill now for some time alone with captain levi. 

and after the disappointment, the anger settled in comfortably. how dare he not want me? i am amazing, i am awesome, i am —

"hey, y/n, i've gotta ask you something."

leisurely, you turned your head to face the cool toned voice that interrupted your very important thoughts. mildly annoyed, you raised your eyebrows at the freckled brunette who sat on her chair carelessly. 

"you're number ten as of now, right?" asked ymir, brown eyes staring at you in confidence. 

you nodded, inquisitive to see where this was going. 

"well i got a favour i need from you," she told you calmly. swinging on her chair as the other cadets walked up and down the isles to find their seats, she continued without a waste of a single second. "i heard you're joining the scouts. is that true?"

again, you nodded.

"how do i know you won't change your mind at the last second?" 

you tilted your head, confused. "what're you talking about?"

ymir whistled lowly. "i remember a time where you were pretty serious about joining the garrisons."

you shook your head, waving a hand dismissively. "that was ancient. a long time ago —"

"it was three weeks ago —"

"i was a different person then!" you shot back, outraged. she seemed unfazed, almost pleased with your response, which brought you to a single question. "why do you care anyway? it's my choice."

"i want you to do something for me," said ymir, and when you searched her face for a single suspicious look to see where the lie was, you found none. ymir halted her swinging for a moment, the legs of her chair slamming against the wooden floor as she slapped a hand on your shoulder to pull you closer to her. instinctively, you leaned in. "see krista over there?" 

you followed her other arm, traced it to where she was pointing and was met with the sight of krista lenz, a blonde haired girl with doe blue eyes to match, muttering and speaking to herself. judging from the way her brows furrowed so tightly that it created lines on her forehead, you could tell immediately that she was preparing for the oncoming exam. 

you liked krista, she was a nice girl who had shown you kindness since your first day here at the training corps. with that in mind, you also knew how ymir and herself were glued to the hip, so whatever ymir was going to ask of you, it was safe to assume that it had something to do with little krista. 

"what about her?" you went on to say, watching as krista rubbed her temples with her fingers. 

"she looks stressed, right? i know a way you can help a girl out," suggested ymir, releasing her grip on your shoulder to clasp both her hands behind her head. "let me cut to the chase. you have no intention on joining the military police, you made that pretty clear from the start. no clue what your deal is with them but i like it, 'cause that means you'll have no problem with taking position number eleven instead of ten, just so krista can join the mp's and live in the interior?"

you rested your chin on the palm of your hand, surprised. "so.. you're asking me to be a little lousy on the exams?"

ymir clicked her fingers, pointing at you as if to say 'bingo'. 

"exactly. how's that sound?"

you were now in deep thought, which you didn't completely mind. it took your brain away from any thoughts about captain levi, something that you knew was needed due to your unhealthy obsession. you honestly did not mind dropping a position, it wouldn't be too bad. besides, your only plan with these exams is to impress the captain, and you could still do that being number eleven, right?

ymir was not a patient girl and it showed. she clicked her tongue disapprovingly, forming a fist with her knuckles so she could press her cheek into it and rest her tilted head there.

"c'mon, if you don't plan on joining the military police, what's the point of being part of the top ten?" 

"but that's the point," you began to explain, conflicted, "i hate the military police. the only reason why i plan on being in the top ten is to prevent another potential member of the military police. if i now know that krista will be one of them, well my plan goes to shit."

"it's krista," clarified ymir, frowning, "do i need to spell her name out for you? what bad would krista do in the military police?"

that was a good argument.

"if you had to choose anyone to be part of that regiment, krista would be the best option and you know it."

you did not spend any more time in thought. smiling, you gave ymir two thumbs up.

"all right, fine," you agreed, content. "i'll go down one step, number eleven it is. doesn't sound too bad, right?"

"not at all," encouraged ymir, smirking all the while. "but if you change your mind —"

"i'll let you know beforehand,” you assured her truthfully. “'m sure i won't, though.”

ymir nodded abruptly, looking pleasantly pleased with your answer. the two of you then decided that you would stop the small talk to pay attention to the examination’s officer, who was giving a small pep talk at the front of the class. he merely summarised the things you were taught in class, which wasn’t at all that difficult to forget: where the weak spot of a titan was, who came to discover it, the theoretical aspect of the existence of the titans, etc.

however, despite knowing all of this, you couldn’t help but believe that the stuff you wrote in the exam weren’t as sharp as they would have been on your best days. perhaps it was because a certain someone had been plaguing your thoughts throughout every question you read and every answer you thought of.

you left the classroom feeling elated either way, deciding that this one exam would pull your grade down (like you had agreed with ymir) but the rest would be quite all right.

the next one was the use of odm gear and titan killing. of course, real titans weren’t used, it was just like training, where you’d fly around the woods and the cardboard titans would appear out of the blue; the goal was to slice the cushion part of their necks. for every kill in the set amount of time given, you earned a point, boosting your grade.

and how did that go for you?

better than the written exam, sure.

you were sure you’d have made it past position number five from the second you took off the ground, the hooks of your gear latching onto the thick trunks of the trees, pulling yourself up against the force of gravity as the wind smacked your face harshly. you had one of the female higher-ups following you close by, observing your every move, her face showing no crack of emotion for you to decipher whether she was impressed or not, but that was okay, you knew that you did particularly like well for this part..

except for when you caught sight of him.

the second you spotted a flash of dark green in your line of sight (one that you knew did not belong to the leaves hanging on the trees), you froze, flying in mid-air with a hollow head, the remaining gas left in your canisters being wasted on the movement of simply moving with no sense of direction.

and then your nose met a wall. hard enough to know it was solid, and flimsy enough to recognise it as cardboard, you were well aware that one of the last pop up titans that was meant for you to kill had stopped you right in your tracks.

and then you fell.

— caught yourself just in time with your hooks so that you were bent over a tree branch, arms and legs hanging limply in exhaustion —

but you still fell nonetheless.

that would most definitely effect your grade.

you groaned, opening your eyes to stare deeply into the brown ones belonging to the woman who had been previously observing you: she was sitting on the branch in front of you, higher up than you, and shaking her head.

“how much do i have to pay you for you to forget this ever happened?”

she ignored you and instead announced that your time was up. you came to the conclusion that that exam didn’t go as well as you wanted it to go, but it was definitely something, enough to make up for the grade you messed up for the first one.

keith later announced that all cadets would be allowed an hour break before continuing on for the last set of exams. relieved, you sat by yourself by the tree near the field where the hand-to-hand combat training usually took place. you weren’t alone for long, for jean and marco had come as a pair to sit beside you, pulling you into a conversation on how the first two examinations went.

“i smashed it,” jean announced proudly, leaning on one of his elbows with an air of unhinged confidence. “probably did better with the odm than the writing though. like did you see that question — what was it? — oh yeah, the one about ‘approximately how many titans can one single soldier kill’? how the hell should i know? isn’t that supposed to be up to the skill of a soldier?”

“i think that was meant to be the answer,” marco sheepishly replied, jean responding by smacking his forehead and then grunting at the impact. “and i’m pretty sure we’re supposed to write the statistic.. like the highest kill count done by somebody —”

“which would be captain levi, right?” you asked, because you remembered writing about him somewhere on your paper.

jean rolled his eyes at you. “for the love of god, i hope you did not write that —”

“it would be, actually,” answered marco, raising his brows at you in surprise. “you wrote that, didn’t you?”

“of course i did,” you revealed, laughing at the scowl on jean’s face, “who do you think i am? there’s no way i’d forget such an important thing about him.”

“i saw you walking with him earlier too,” mused marco, smiling. “how did that happen?”

“keith,” you stated, venom laced on your tongue as you spoke the single syllable that was his name.

“shadis,” corrected jean, bitter.

you rolled your eyes. “that paranoid are you?”

“can’t blame me when it comes to you.”

“anyway,” started marco, interrupting as the peacemaker he is, “how did you do, y/n?”

sighing, you leaned back against the tree trunk, the rough wood scratching against your harnesses.

“aside from a silly little mistake —”

“i bet it wasn’t ‘little’ —”

“— i think i did really good actually,” you continued as if jean hadn’t commented his unwanted thoughts. “i’ve decided that i’m gonna step back a bit.”

jean and marco, ever the only ones to be so curious with what you get up to, sent you curious looks as if to say how?. you saved them the time of panicking for no good reason by clarifying exactly what you meant.

“i’m taking position number eleven now.”

and they certainly weren’t pleased with your answer.

“what? why?” demanded jean, a single vein protruding from his pale (now very pink) forehead. he sat up properly, towering over you in a fit of white hot rage and fury. “you’re taking yourself out of the top ten? why?”

marco did not look too impressed either. he was frowning - pouting almost - eyes downcast in what looked like to you as disappointment. he didn’t say anything, choosing to let jean express his contained anger instead.

“how are you going to get into the military police if you’re not in the top ten?” argued jean, his thin brows knitting together tight enough to form lines between them.

“you forget,” you started, irked, “that i never planned on joining the military police. you know that —"

“you won’t be in contact with us!” snapped jean, actually gripping onto your arm tight enough to leave half moon crescent marks where he touched you. “you’re insane —”

“it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. i’m banned from joining the military police regardless, remember?”

jean had definitely forgotten this crucial fact, because he leaned back again, the grip on your arm loosening as he ran a hand through his light hair with his free hand. “shit.. yeah, you are,” he murmured, realisation seeping in. “fuck’s sake, y/n, the hell did you have to go bothering nile dok for?”

“hey, it was for erwin!”

“commander erwin,” mumbled marco, who had been eerily silent up until now.

surprised, you turned your head to shift your gaze from an irate jean to a calm marco, who was silently picking at the grass squashed beneath your weight.

“you’re gonna need to say his name with his title in front.. for when you join the scouts.”

blinking, you were convinced this was a dream. it had to be. marco, who had secretly (though not slyly) been wanting you to join any regiment but the survey corps, was now encouraging you to pick them? marco, who had always lowkey sided with jean, was now siding with you and your choice?

this definitely wasn’t real.

“pinch me,” you breathed, startled.

“no, pinch me,” said jean, in awe. he stared at marco. “you’re supporting her?”

“not really,” said marco, giving you an apologetic shrug when you frowned, “but i do believe that it’s her choice. i’m sure she’d want us to join the scouts with her, but she’s not trying to convince us about it because she knows it’s up to us, our decision if we want to join her there or not.. or that’s what i — that’s what i think —"

“you’re right,” you admitted, beaming at him. “i’d drag you guys there with me but i know you don’t want to.”

“hm,” voiced jean, seemingly at rest. “what changed your bipolar mind anyway? i thought you wanted to impress captain levi?”

“i can still impress him by being at number eleven. besides, ymir wanted krista to take number ten —”

“you’re doing this for them?” asked jean, outraged. “what about you? the fuck do you owe them?”

“it’s not a debt i’m trying to pay!” you exclaimed. “i’m doing this ‘cause i want to.. and like i said, we wouldn’t be in the same regiment even if i did stay at number ten. nile dok hates me.”

jean scoffed. “and whose fault is that?”

“his. i’m extremely loveable —”

“not wrong there,” chuckled marco, and you sent him a toothy smile, showing off your pearly whites.

“that’s why captain levi’s already asked you out, right?” jean jabbed at you.

“i’ll have you know that he nearly did today!”

“straying too far from the truth, i think,” marco intervened, causing you to slap his arm playfully.

“whose side are you on, marco? you keep switching.”

“whichever one benefits me most.”

“devil in disguise, you are —”

“you’ll be working for the devil in disguise, sooner or later,” said jean, flicking your forehead.

you yelped, jumping away from him as you rubbed your head, glaring at the culprit in front of you. “you’d better not be talking about erwin —"

“i hope not too,” replied jean, annoyed, “i hope i’m talking about dot pyxis, or nile dok —”

“hey, you never know, she might even decide to find a way to stay in the training corps and work for commandant shadis instead,” said marco, sheepishly moving away from you when you sent him an unmoving glare.

“anyone but the one man that could get her killed,” agreed jean, nodding, “even if it’s the commandant —”

“i’ll slay those titans better than even the commander,” you vowed dramatically. “that’ll prove to you guys that i’m not gonna go rogue out there.”

“and now you sound like jaeger —”

“jean!”

“whatever. just don’t die when you join the scouts,” jean finally uttered, and instead of the usual joking manner the three of you spoke in, there was a sense of grave urgency in his voice, the vein that had previously been visible on his forehead pulsing beneath his skin. you could tell he was still not on board with your decision, but there was a difference to his attitude from then to now. it was all sinking in, genuine worry painted over his features which made this entire thing seem more real. it was only a couple more weeks before you parted ways, the potential thought that you could die outside of the walls without a body to be returned did not ease both jean and marco’s nerves, however they were accepting: one more than the other but even still, accepting.

and that made you content.

you found yourself grinning at jean, leaning forward to tease him. “aw, do you care about me suddenly jean-boy?”

“shut up, i take it back.”

“you don’t,” you chortled, pulling at his ear as he swatted your hand away.

“why are you always like this with me?” he grumbled, rubbing his pink ear grumpily. “what about marco?”

“marco can admit he cares,” you answered, placing your hand on top of marco’s when he shakily smiled at you, “but you’re the idiot who hates affection for some stupid reason —”

“he wouldn’t hate it if it was from mikasa,” marco joked, and you bent over in laughter, surprised at how easily the joke slipped past the precious, peacemaker marco’s lips with such ease.

“w-what? that’s not — fuck you guys, i hate you,” sputtered jean, left in a pool of his own embarrassment as the two of you continued to make fun of him.

not long after, the hour break was done as soon as it came, and before you knew it, the lines were formed once more to proceed with the next set of exams. of course, you were at the front again, not that you didn’t try to take back your original spot, however, eren was not having it, and he purposely stepped to the side to reveal your sneaky figure hiding behind him. you threatened him lowly as you made your way to the front, but you felt victorious when you saw the look of unease and fear on his face when he heard you curse at him; at least he knew he was fucked. we love a self aware king.

the next exam you had was hand-to-hand combat. you were placed in pairs (random pairs) to fight it out and hold it for an entire minute. you had been paired with hannah diamant, a brunette haired girl who you knew to be a hopeless romantic, a girl you had interacted with many times but never actually trained with her one-to-one. thankfully, you were aware that hand-to-hand was not her best, but it certainly was yours, so you held your ground incredibly well throughout it all.

until..

him.

you saw him. you saw him eyeing the cadets, you saw him observing their every move, you saw him criticising them with his calculating eyes.

and when you tried getting yourself to focus, under the impression that he would be watching you too, you lost it. taking steady breaths, you put yourself into position, preparing yourself, only to trip over your own feet and go tumbling over poor hannah, who had done nothing but fall victim to your clumsiness.

the examination’s officer tutted at you, shaking his head as he scribbled aggressively on the board clutched tightly in his iron grip.

so like odm, you figured it went well till this very point: unfortunate, but not too bad, right?

that was okay, because you were sure to make up for all the mess ups in your assessments when you would go in for the final exam: the knowledge crunch.

here you would be in a room, alone with an examination’s officer and a single higher-up. the examination’s officer would have some pre-set standardised questions in front of them, and you simply had to answer correctly. show off your knowledge, really, and be creative too.

which you were one hundred percent sure you could do. there were many times where you left people speechless, and what was that due to? your creativity, the ability to freeze them and have them expect the unexpected.

you were certain you’d do well when you lined up by the door with your fellow cadets waiting for your turn, you were certain you’d do well when the line began moving, you were certain you’d do well when you caught sight of different higher-ups leaving and entering the room..

but you weren’t certain you’d do well when mina carolina skipped out of the room, squealing in excitement.

“how’d you do?” you asked, beaming at her when she sent you a radiant smile full of exhilaration.

“i think i did excellent!” she smiled, bending her knees to stop herself from jumping, “i thought it’d go horribly because i was so nervous of the man in the corner!”

“man in the corner?” you repeated, confused.

“he’s the captain of the scouts, captain levi’s in there,” mina clarified, watching as your face fell. she gripped onto your biceps, gently shaking you as some form of comfort. “oh don’t worry, y/n! when i saw him there, i thought i’d start stammering like crazy. remember when we’d have commandant shadis ask us the questions? it was nothing like that! he just sits in the corner and watches!”

you absentmindedly nodded, before realising what she had uttered at the last sentence.

he just sits in the corner and watches!

(..) just sits in the corner and watches!

(…) in the corner and watches!

(….) and watches!

“he watched you?” you asked, unintentionally cutting through her vibrant explanation of how she wasn’t a stammering mess like she usually was; she did not mind, happy to answer your question either way.

“yeah, and he looked really intimidating, i nearly lost track of thought,” said mina, chuckling. “word of advice, just don’t make eye contact with him. i did once and i lost track of what i was saying. he’s got this face that just makes it look like everything you’re doing is wrong, y’know?”

you’d have thought that you’d be happy to see the captain again, and no doubt, you most definitely were. the only issue was that you came to the conclusion that your exams went really well.. when he wasn’t around. somehow, when he did come at the last damned second, you managed to fuck up. it was like fog was building up in your brain, so much so that you could not think clearly. he was as desirable as cheese in a mousetrap.

before you knew it, your name had been called out by a voice deeper than even reiner braun's. gulping, despite the encouraging smile mina gave you, you walked into the room, nearly walking directly into the chest you knew belonged to captain levi.

"you again?" he said, looking down at you as if you were such a nuisance. 

you smiled through the rapid beating of your heart. "don't act like you want to get rid of me so soon."

"it's not an act."

"captain levi," the deep voice sounded again. you looked past the shoulder of the captain's, met with the eyes of a man who looked old enough to be your grandpa. "we're a little short on time. i thought you said you were leaving?"

you walked over to your chair, taking a seat and crossing one leg over the other, leaning forward to take a look at the piles of paper stacked in front of you. you took one, your eyes running down the page skimming and scanning. 

"eugh, whose handwriting is this?" you questioned aloud, making a look of disgust as you tried reading whatever the scribbles of writing were. "could use a lot of work —"

"i'll have you know, it is mine," the examination's officer remarked, impertinent. 

your face dropped, eyes widening and heart stopping altogether. you wanted nothing more than the ground to just swallow you whole. even death seemed to look more appealing than this form of embarrassment. he was definitely not planning on giving you a good grade. 

you let out a shaky laugh, offering the paper back to him timidly.

"yeah — erm — so you might want this back, right?"

he all but snatched it out of your hand. you shrunk in your chair. 

"actually," began captain levi, who had been present throughout this whole interaction, "i don't remember saying i was ready to leave."

the other man looked up, pushing the glasses on the bridge of his nose further up at this revelation. he shook his head, "but you just —"

"you said your time was running out," the captain reiterated.

"of course," the examination's officer said, flipping over the pages on his notebook, "of course."

it felt like hours had gone by when the questions had started. the captain, like mina had said, made himself comfortable at the corner of the room, arms folded over his chest as he watched you. you tried not to focus on him, and it was working.. almost:

"there has been a titan break in: wall rose has been taken over. what are you going to do?"

"run to erwin."

the examination's officer blinked. "erwin?" he raised, the end of his pen poking at his cheek. "erwin smith, you mean?"

you nodded. "that's him."

"why?"

"commander of the only regiment that deals with titans.. why wouldn't i?" you responded, leaning back with your elbows resting on the arms of the wooden chair. "and because he's my best friend, of course —"

"watch it," captain levi voiced. 

you looked up, having almost completely forgotten that he was even there. you raised your hands up in 'surrender', shrugging. "my bad, forgot you two were tight."

the examination's officer coughed, eyeing you eccentrically. "you and commander erwin.. you're acquaintances?"

"more than acquaintances," you answered. "he told me his entire life story —"

"don't be fooled," captain levi butted in, "she begged him for it."

"you don't know that," you retorted quickly. 

"did you?" the examination's officer asked. "beg him for it?"

"yes," you said lowly, "still makes us more than acquaintances!"

he coughed, bringing his notebook of questions closer to his face. "we're stirring away from the exam.. let's see.. ah — yes — so you would contact erwin smith.. and say what, exactly?"

"that he's not doing his job properly and that titans have broken through."

"not doing his —? okay, all right. let me rephrase. what is the first physical action you would take against a titan, should you come face-to-face with one?"

"slice the nape."

"and if a fellow comrade is in danger?"

"slice the nape."

he begins noting things down in his book. you wonder if what he's written is even legible. 

"who would you report back to after seeing titans invade wall rose?"

"erwin —"

captain levi clicked his tongue. "that's commander erwin to you."

"or him," you added, pointing at the moody captain residing to the examination's officer's back left corner. 

"i wouldn't believe you."

this guy, you thought to yourself, aware that the man in front of you was probably noting down every interaction you'd made with the captain as a bonus, too. 

"i'd make you believe me."

"what the hell did you just say —"

"is this exam finished yet?"

"not quite," the old man said.

and he was a liar, because he made it seem as though it would be done in a couple of minutes: it wasn't. you were there for nearly ten whole minutes before things were finished off. many, many times you had rendered the man in front of you speechless (your main goal, of course), and you were convinced that you had done well. impressed the captain? you must have, there was no way around it.

you left the room feeling giddy, convincing yourself that it hadn't been nearly as bad as you thought it would be. mina was right. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

a week later, you were alerted of the results of the new list.

a crowd of people had been spotted by the corridor opposite to keith's office, huddling and shoving and pushing each other. immediately, you knew what it was, especially when marco excitedly dragged you across the substantial amount of people regardless of their loud complaints about how it wasn't fair that you were going in front of them.

 ⌜ • ° + ° • ⌝

1st - Mikasa Ackerman

2nd - Bertholdt Hoover

3rd - Reiner Braun

4th - Annie Leonhart

5th - Marco Bott

6th - Eren Jaeger

7th - Jean Kirstein

8th - Krista Lenz

9th - Sasha Braus

10th - Connie Springer

⌞ ° • + • ° ⌟

so you hadn't made it to the top ten. expected. you weren't disappointed.

so you read number eleven, where you should be, but found:

11th - Ymir Fritz

what? you thought to yourself, baffled. okay, so maybe you were at number twelve. again, not too bad, but instead you found:

12th - Samuel Linke-Jackson

13th - Armin Arlert 

and now it made no sense to you. you appreciated all three of these people, ymir, samuel and armin, but you knew that your skill was much better than theirs, and as your finger moved further down the list, you found yourself.. lower than expected:

38th - Y/n L/n

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

you just had to drag marco into your bullshit, didn't you?

jean did not know why he chose to be friends with you, or how this friendship even came to be, but it's not as though he regrets it.. of course not.. you were just a handful. or more than a handful, really.

marco was an absolute stammering mess, scratching the back of his neck as he tried bringing up conversation to the commandant for your sake. it was a painful sight to watch, yet jean had found himself leaning against a particular tree, eyeing the back of the commandant's head, just picturing the look on his face that had marco cowering back in fear. 

should he go in and save him?

no, jean, don't even think about it, he scolded himself. the second he did so, he was reminded of just why he shouldn't get involved, unless he wanted to ask marco for an ear massage like last time for when shadis twisted and dragged him by his ear. no, he would watch from a safe distance, because he warned marco, had he not? he warned him not to agree with whatever plan you had going and marco made the stupid choice to ignore him. he did this to himself, now he must suffer.

he listened intently, silently cringing at every word he could hear. 

"i just wanted to.. i wanted to ask you a question about something, s-sir?"

silence.

the silence was too damn loud. 

it felt like hours before shadis responded.

"are you waiting for me to grow out some greys or what? ask the question already!"

"o-oh, right! sorry!" said marco hastily. "well, i was curious about.. about.."

fuck's sake, thought jean, mentally face-palming himself, he's just about as much of an idiot as y/n is. he willingly brought himself in shadis's presence unprepared? 

should he interru—

no, jean, no! he reminded himself cruelly. he knew what he signed up for, it's not your problem.

yet watching him fish for something to talk about was physically painful. 

"cat got your tongue, bott?" exclaimed commandant shadis, impatient. "speak now or forever hold your god damn peace!"

and marco actually stood there, like an idiot, frozen in place, with nothing to say.

commandant shadis shook his head at him, sighing. "what was i expecting?" he snorted, sounding mildly annoyed. "you spend too much time with l/n, i knew this would happen."

"y-you knew what would happen.. sir?"

"i knew that she would rub off on you and i would lose another extremely capable cadet."

and that couldn't be more further from the truth. 

ah fuck it, jean thought, you owe me one, y/n.

"that's not true," jean called out, feeling heroic. both marco and the commandant turned to see jean  with his head hung, eyes trained solely on the floor in shame. "that's not true because.. i asked him to speak to you."

silence.

calm before the storm.

and then he was yelling.

"YOU? AGAIN?"

"i wanted him to ask you something that i couldn't.." said jean, eyes scrunched shut. i hate my life, he thought, before uttering the last few words. "i need.. relationship advice."

-

jean left the field after several sit ups, squats, and laps with a dull ringing in his ears after listening to the loud lectures given to him by the commandant. 

you were definitely a handful. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

so so sooo sorry for the late update. i've just been extremely busy with school and everything, so i'm juggling writing chapters like these on top of all the work. i probably won't be as active in the next 2 months, but i promise, after mid june, i'll be here a lot. 

i did not expect this fic to get as much love as it got, so i did king of neglect it a bit. and then came back to a swarm of new notifs so yeah, felt special ig lol. anyways, hope u enjoyed? 

all characters belong to hajime isayama, apart from y/n, who i've inserted in to the story myself.

previous chapter :) next chapter :)

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@inkthgoat @loki1230 @leviackermanst @laccey @awesomeness1679 @wandavengerberg @marumxy

[pencilofawesomeness]

Hi!

I'm sort of wondering when FT members will learn more about the dragon family's history, and who in particular will learn about it.

I mean, Mirajane finally guessed that Natsu is a demon, and while I doubt Natsu will explain everything to her (given that it would imply revealing secrets that are not only his own), I'm actually not even sure he will mention being an etherious specifically, but if he does, I rather doubt he will disclose what his true relationship with Zeref is (since it would be hard to do either of those things without explaining the whole time travel thing or at least that Zeref is immortal, though I guess he can asks Mirajane not to question that part, but more than that there's a significant difference between being created by a "bad guy" and being related to a "bad guy", so I'm not sure he'll trust Mirajane with that information.)

Anyway my point is : he might not tell Mirajane everything, but the fact that she found out but did not hate him might actually change things for him. What's more, hearing about the part where Erza, Jellal, Lucy and GRAY of all people, made friends with a village of demons might also quell some fears. (As long as he doesn't hear about the Deliora part of the story or that it doesn't affect him too much, that he understand Deliora was hated (and frozen to death) because he was destructive and killed people (including Gray's parents), not just because he was an etherious).

So I wonder if Natsu will start being more open about the fact that he's part demon, at least with the guildmates he's closest to. I mean, sure Acnologia told him it might be better to keep it quiet but a) he meant that in a general context, b) he barely knew let alone trusted the guild and its members at the time.

Speaking of which, I'm also thinking about the dragon's families other secrets, namely their origin, Acnologia's past and their connection with Zeref.

For now, I believe that except for the Exceeds and the dragons slayers plus Anna, no one has the whole story? Lisanna maybe? She knew most of it, I'm just not sure if she was ever told why they were sent in the future (in other words, what Acnologia did).

Other than that, the people closest to them would be Mystgoan, team Thunderstorm, team Shadow Gear and Jellal & Erza. It was pretty clear in the 24 hours race one-shot that Jellal and Erza knew next to nothing, basically they're just friends with Erik and they learnt about dragon slaying magic in passing. Regarding team Shadow Gears, I'm not even convinced Jet and Droy know of the dragonlings' dragon slaying magic, so I doubt they know anything else. Levy does know Acnologia is a dragon (and I must say I'm curious as to how that happened), but I'm really not sure about the rest, I would guess she might know about the time travel, but not Acnologia's past or Zeref. Thunderstorm is probably pretty much unaware of everything - I'm actually not even 100% sure Laxus knows about Zeref. Though with the summer camp thing he would have found out about Natsu, so... Mystgoan I'm really not sure about, but I also don't think he knows anything, if only because he's always too busy with other things.

I'm really curious to see if any of them will be told more in a near future. Or someone else entirely, Lucy for instance. Or if the revelations will always happen accidentally, on the battlefield, through another person, etc.

I'm fondly imagining Erik reassuring Natsu that Erza and/or Jellal wouldn't hold his being a demon against him, nor his being Zeref's brother, nor his loving him still, nor even his not (completely) believing Zeref is a bad person, as long as Natsu explained why he believes that. Because Erik does know enough about them (and the past they share) to know they wouldn't care, would still trust him and care for him all the same. I can even imagine Erik supporting Natsu telling Gray or Lucy about his being a demon, if Erik heard about their demon friends of Galuna Island. (Maybe not the Zeref part though. A bit too risky I'd say.)

I'm really found of secrets and reveals, of the hurt and comfort and the drama. I really look forward to pasts being revealed, be it by choice or due to old enemies (or friends) coming back to haunt the Fairies.

Ah yes this is an excellent question anon. Especially since I know I've been bad/vague on establishing who-knows-what since I've been hitting major events and then going back and filling in details at random times, both because of my flighty mind, and because I've been toeing around some things until I committed. Like this one.

Nevertheless, there are people who know, and over the course of the series, more people will find out in-story. Especially once we hit major group-fests like the Tenrou and GMG arcs.

Their squirreliness and awkward relationship with secrets is certainly something to be addressed. Really, it's like this with the majority of Fairy Tail, and it's a theme I am absolutely fascinated by: FT parades around as a "family," and they trust and love each other, but very few people in the guild are comfortable trusting each other with emotional hurt. Which is to say, the fact that FT is a fresh start for people is an amazing thing, but the focus on moving forward sometimes causes things not to be addressed. Erza would never have told anyone about the Tower on her own; Cana won't tell Gildarts he's her dad; the dragon slayers don't want to bring up their time displacement and quasi-dead parents; Gray didn't want to tell anyone about his and Ur's last conversation; Mirajane didn't want to be anything reminiscent of her younger, scared self. The dragons have created a sort of microcosm of emotional vulnerability within Fairy Tail, mostly by accident and the nature of shared secrets, but that doesn't extend to all of the guild. It's a question of whether it should, or by how much; of where to draw the line between lingering in the past and letting it drag you down unwittingly; of what makes family, and what that really means.

I ramble, but I say that all to say that it's a theme I want to try to intersperse and play with as the series progresses. So to answer your question: yes, secrets will be spilled and/or shared willingly. More people will find out more information. Like with Mirajane in this arc, because Natsu—despite having the most secrets—is a very trusting individual once it starts to unravel. (Almost like secrets can take a toll on the mind: what a concept.) So, without giving away everything, I will say that Mirajane will learn quite a bit by the end of their adventure.

As for who knows, there's actually a handful of people who know a lot, maybe save a detail or two. It's been mentioned a few times (I think, like with Acno's retrospection in bringing in Erik) that once somebody starts being at the house all of the time, secrets go out the window. The fun thing about that bunch is that while they have a ton of secrets, personality-wise, they're not very secretive. That's why the go-to response is avoidance 80% of the time. So Lisanna, Levy, Mystogan, Laxus, and Bickslow know pretty much everything, from a combination of being told things and exposure from always being around. (Lisanna got told everything out the gate by Natsu, since secrets are like his least-favorite thing, and then she was around when other stuff was discovered. Similarly for Levy, Mystogan, and Laxus. Bickslow found some things by accident and then the rest through him being surprisingly chill with everything; I have a side story that I think I referenced in another one that I've been wanting to write that focuses on Bickslow and Lisanna having to figure out soul magic because they're all confused af, but I haven't gotten to that one yet so I understand that nobody knows of what exists in my head, lol.)

It trickles down from there. Erza and Jellal know about what Erik went through, and they know about some dragon slayer magic stuff, but not any of the backstory. (Mostly because Erza didn’t think to question anything, and Jellal was too awkward too, hence the 24-Hour-Race stuff.) Same with Freed and Evergreen. Jet and Droy know a bit more, including about some of the time travel stuff, but nothing in regards to Natsu or Zeref or the Acno-is-an-actual-dragon thing.

With more to come, as I said. Because yeah, as things progress—like with the Galuna peeps figuring out more—it will start coming up slowly. It’s gonna be a lot of fun, that’s for sure. I, too, love all the revealing secrets tropes. >:)

[makeste]

but I just feel too tired to be fighting

this is a follow-up post to what I said in my recap the other day about this arc being the Deku Angst arc, as opposed to the Villain Hunt arc or the Deku SIXQUIRKS Exhibition arc. I feel like the fandom discussion tends to focus on the flashier parts of the chapters -- the sexy villains and the new quirk reveals and the Shindous -- each week, and so the quieter emotional beats sometimes get overlooked, especially since the character arc here is playing out in little bits and pieces over time rather than all at once.

this has always been a very reactionary fandom, and there’s a tendency to judge the chapters week to week without ever going back to look at how they all fit into the big picture. so I figured I would try to attempt that, and basically go chapter by chapter here to look at what exactly Horikoshi is setting up and how it all fits together.

so let’s start with the end of chapter 306, which is when the arc officially kicks off. specifically with the very last page:

this is imo one of the best pages Horikoshi has ever drawn. I got the sense that this was a scene he’d had in his mind’s eye for quite a long time, and that he was excited to finally get to this part of the story. it’s extremely effective as both a chapter-ender, and an arc-opener. like, look at this:

it establishes the initial premise of the new arc -- the world is in chaos, and Deku is now seemingly on his own

it leaves the readers with a number of questions. why did Deku leave U.A.?? is he really on his own now?? why does he look so beat-up and exhausted?? what is he up to?? what is the world like now that all these villains have been unleashed and the heroes have been decimated?? and most importantly of all, what the fuck is going to happen next??

it pays homage to some of Horikoshi’s comic book influences -- Batman in particular

it dramatically hits us with that “THE FINAL ACT BEGINS” and lets us know that shit is getting real now

that’s some good shit. so much so that I think people tended to overlook the other notable thing about this page amidst all of the initial excitement and discussion and speculation about where the series was headed. and that is the fact that the final panel in this chapter is NOT the panel of Deku standing above the city. the very last panel, the one that this chapter actually ends on, is instead the close-up of Deku’s face. his face, which is covered in shadow; and his eyes, which have dark circles under them and are prominently missing the usual flecks of light that give him his signature “sunny optimistic shounen protagonist” look.

not to mention this last line here, which is a call back to the very first time we saw the 14-year-old Deku way back in chapter one.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Horikoshi chose to throw this reference in. nor is it a coincidence that THIS is the scene he actually chose to end the chapter on. what this does is show us the drastic shift in Deku’s emotional state of mind, and his attitude towards being a hero. he’s gone from being thrilled and excited to being jaded and exhausted. he’s matured, but at a great cost. it’s always been his dream to be a hero, but “be careful what you wish for” is a popular adage for a reason. and right now he looks the furthest thing from happy.

and this is the emotional beat that Horikoshi chooses to end the chapter on. this is the panel that closes out the War arc, and begins the final act. to me the message could not be clearer -- this arc will be about the exploration of Deku’s character, and his struggle as he tries to live up to the expectations that have been placed on him as the Last Holder of OFA and quite possibly the World’s Only Hope.

it’s a character arc that builds on a lot of the things we’ve already learned about Deku over the course of the series, such as the fact that he is reckless, and that he focuses on others often at the expense of himself. but more importantly, it’s an arc that finally expands on the dark side of what has up until now been a net positive for Deku -- the power of OFA. up until this point, despite its ups and downs, it’s been a boon for Deku overall and has allowed him to pursue his dream. but now we’re finally reaching the point where the monkey’s paw part of the OFA blessing/curse finally starts to come into play. OFA gives Deku more power than he could have ever dreamed of, but it also comes with a built-in destiny that he can’t opt out of whether he likes it or not. AFO is on the loose and out there trying to destroy the world. and now everyone has pinned their hopes on this sixteen-year-old kid, and the question of whether or not the sixteen-year-old kid is ready is apparently not one that anyone feels inclined to ask (possibly because they’re afraid that the answer might be “no”).

he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. he has to do it, because there’s no one else who can. that’s the kind of pressure that is on Deku now.

and on that note, we begin the Deku Angst arc.

chapter 307

this in hindsight was mostly just a set-up chapter to better establish the current state of the BnHA world at large (spoilers: it’s not good), while also providing an answer for one of the big initial questions of the arc -- namely, “what happened to all of those villains that AFO released from Tartarus?” these are important things to touch on, but the pacing could definitely have been better, and the bulk of the chapter was dedicated to providing fanservice to all of the Shindou fans who spammed the most recent popularity poll (which, whatever lol). anyway, so this was the sole chapter thus far with absolutely no Deku development. thankfully the arc picks up from there.

chapter 308

on to the next one! this was the one and only chapter thus far which I think actually qualifies as an “exhibition fight.” this was definitely all about showing off Deku’s current powerset, as well as introducing us to another of the SIXQUIRKS. however, there was Deku development here as well, most notably in this scene:

this is the scene that got a lot of people speculating that this arc was going to focus on Deku hunting down all of the old villains. but I think people got so caught up in that speculation that they overlooked what this scene tells us about Deku’s mindset. and yes, there is new information being revealed here, and it’s not just a rehash of the stuff we already knew. like yes, we know that Deku was shaken up by the recent encounters with Dabi and Tomura, and we know that made him start questioning why villains become villains in the first place, and all that good stuff, and that’s great. however, there are two additional important things that this scene helps establish for us.

the upcoming battle with TomurAFO is weighing heavily on Deku’s mind. this is something that will become a recurring theme in this arc. Deku is thinking about this constantly. the question of what to do when he finally encounters TomurAFO again is knocking incessantly at the back of his mind, and this won’t be the last time it comes up.

Deku is using these villain encounters as test runs. can Tomura be redeemed?? is he just being stupid and naïve?? or is this really something worth attempting?? the interesting thing about this is that Deku’s resolve to save people is usually so strong and unwavering that it’s more than enough to overcome any doubts that he might have. but this time it seems like the repeated objections posed by the Vestiges and Gran Torino have really gotten to him. it’s possible I’m just reading way too much into things, but to me it really feels like Deku’s recent attempts at Talk no Jutsu were meant to do more than just show his growing awareness that the line between heroes and villains is thinner than he once imagined. they’re also serving as trial runs for the real test, when it finally comes. if he can “save” even a villain like Muscular, there’s hope for him being able to save Tomura as well. and so that moment when Muscular rejects him out of hand is all the more disappointing to him, even if it wasn’t really unexpected. basically it wasn’t the answer that he had been hoping for.

aside from those little notes though, like I said, this was unquestionably an exhibition fight first and foremost. which is fine; we needed to establish where Deku is currently in terms of strength, and it was also just fun to see him kick some ass, ngl. in terms of story purpose this chapter was similar to 219, which showed us how Shouto and Katsuki had powered up after getting their provisional licenses. people who don’t care about those characters might argue that these fights weren’t necessary, but as someone who stans all three characters hard, I would disagree! but anyways, moving on.

chapter 309

in contrast to the previous chapter, this chapter focuses more on establishing Deku’s current mental state, as opposed to his physical state. and this is what we learn:

(1) Deku is ~technically~ being shadowed/accompanied by All Might and the Hawksquad (but in practice he’s avoiding them).

(2) it was Deku’s own decision to leave U.A., and he did it because he didn’t want anyone else getting hurt in order to protect him.

and finally, (3) Deku’s game plan is to stop Tomura and All for One before they reach full power.

this last part is very important, because it means there’s a countdown in effect. as far as Deku is concerned, there’s only a finite amount of time before TomurAFO becomes unstoppable. which means that he’s not only under “gotta get stronger” pressure, but time pressure as well. he doesn’t have the luxury of taking his time and training in safety. he’s being rushed now; this is do-or-die.

this chapter is also the first in this arc in which we get to see Deku’s expressions without the hood covering up his face, and what we see is very telling. as previously stated, the light is gone from Deku’s eyes. he keeps his expressions very neutral, and the only time we even see a hint of a smile is when he hugs his mom in the flashback, and it’s clear from the dialogue (“it’s okay, I’ll come home to you”) that he’s doing it for her sake in order to comfort her.

but aside from that, this is very much not the Deku we’ve grown accustomed to. this is the chapter that really establishes his current mental state imo. above all else, he’s afraid that more people will get hurt because of him, and so he’s distancing himself from everyone around him. and he’s also morbidly preoccupied with the inevitability of having to face TomurAFO again, and soon. the chapter ends on the flashback of Gran giving him his cape, and telling Deku that “killing can be another way to save someone.” there’s a lot on this kid’s mind, to say the least.

chapter 310

this chapter opens with a gang of civilians who are trying to open fire on a nice fox lady whose only crime was walking around in the rain at night. Deku intervenes to save her, and it’s the first time in this arc that we see anything close to the “old” Deku, who just wanted to save people with a smile.

but it’s bittersweet, because all the lady can talk about is how scared she was, and how horrible everything is right now. and so Deku, who feels responsible in a lot of ways for everything that’s happened, just feels that much more pressure to somehow make things right again.

there’s also this extra throwaway line which is especially heartbreaking:

“I can’t afford to be around anyone.” fucking ouch. just reinforcing once more how incredibly isolated Deku is right now -- not by choice, but because he feels like it’s not safe to let anyone else get close to him. and so he’s out here running around this dystopian cityscape in the middle of the night in the pouring rain all on his own, and neglecting himself to the point where All Might practically has to force a bento on him.

but does he complain? of course not. because his focus is never on himself. instead, when he settles down to eat, his thoughts immediately drift back to, guess who...

it’s that time pressure once again. “unless I draw out One for All’s full power, I can’t stop any of this.” it’s just nonstop, I have to get stronger, I’m running out of time, I have to do better, and constantly thinking about that inevitable confrontation.

Deku is a thinker, you guys. and when left to his own devices he will overthink, every time. his mind will run in endless loops while he mentally works his way through all of the possibilities. and that’s one of his greatest strengths, don’t get me wrong, but at a time like this it’s also one of his greatest weaknesses. it’s just so fucking easy for him to get stuck in his own head, in his endless rambling thoughts and analyses. and without anyone else there to help distract him, or help him focus, he’s become fixated on his mission, and it’s slowly consuming him.

this, incidentally, is also the chapter in which we finally see Two and Three’s faces, and learn why Two in particular is so reluctant to lend his power to Deku. he appears to be the lone holdout at this point, so stay tuned on that, because I don’t doubt this will wind up being crucial to Deku’s future development, however it winds up playing out.

chapter 311

this chapter flips back to the Hawksquad for the first half, so we get a brief respite from the ongoing Dekuangst. right before we switch back though, we do get confirmation of something we had pretty much already guessed:

like, that much was already apparent based on what we’d seen (the bags under his eyes; the fact that he refused to sit still in any one place for very long even at night), but it’s always nice to get the official confirmation so that people can’t dispute it lol. so yeah, Deku isn’t sleeping much. and not eating much either, if all he’s getting is the occasional bento from Dadmight. so basically not taking care of himself at all, huge shocker there. but this is something that’s important enough to the story that Horikoshi took the time to point it out in the dialogue, in addition to all of the visual clues we’d already gotten.

and just in case we needed to drive that point in any further, this chapter ends with the appearance of Lady Nagant! like yeah, no shit Deku isn’t getting much sleep, what with him having to fend off racist civilians and hired assassins every five fucking minutes. smdh. can he live??

chapter 312

so this is the chapter that properly introduces Lady Nagant, who maaaay or may not be one of the primary antagonists of this arc?? like, it’s really unclear right now tbh, but she gets hyped up by Hawks and AFO, and has a flashback and a mysterious past and a weird trump card (where did you go, Overhaul) and all that good shit, so yeah? one can hope at any rate.

but anyway. so to his credit, Deku’s first thought is to retreat, but he quickly abandons that plan once he figures out Nagant’s location. this is played off like a logical strategic decision at first, but the subsequent chapter quickly makes it clear that Deku’s decision to take the fight to Nagant is less rational than he might have you think.

chapter 313

so yeah. last but not least, the most recent chapter, in which Deku’s real reason for targeting Lady soon becomes apparent:

what’s more, it quickly becomes clear that he miscalculated and probably would have been better off following Hawks’s advice, seeing as he promptly gets himself shot, and subsequently realizes that AFO gave Nagant an extra quirk, something he hadn’t taken into account. but instead of cutting his losses and running at this point, he doubles down instead and not only breaks out Smokescreen, but also the Third’s quirk which he has never even used before.

it’s worth noting that both En and the Third start telling him to chill at this point, and warn him that what he’s attempting is too dangerous. but tbh if they were expecting him to listen, they haven’t been reading the same arc I’ve been reading. once again, Horikoshi makes it clear that Deku has one thing and one thing only on his mind right now.

of course. once again it all comes back to this. hunt down AFO. it doesn’t matter that he’s exhausted. it doesn’t matter that he’s just been shot twice. it doesn’t matter that Hawks, despite knowing what Deku was capable of with his OFA abilities, specifically warned him away from this one person only. it doesn’t matter that even the Vestiges are trying to tell him you’re going too fast and you’re trying to do too much and it’s too dangerous.

he just doesn’t care. long story short, the only thing that matters to Deku right now is tracking down and defeating TomurAFO. and as the person who knows him best once so aptly put it, “he doesn’t take himself into account.” and therein lies the major challenge of this arc.

and so this is where we’re currently at now. and this has been a very long post, but if nothing else, I hope I was able to get this one point across: there is absolutely no way that Deku will be able to defeat TomurAFO as he is now. not a chance in hell. somehow he’s managed the uncommon feat of waging a war of attrition against himself, which is really quite an accomplishment. he’s not taking care of himself, and he’s refusing to listen to sound advice from the people surrounding him, and is trying to skip ahead to the final boss battle before he’s ready, because the guilt and pressure from feeling responsible for the current situation are eating him up. the only way that the world can go back to normal is if he can defeat AFO; therefore he has to do it as soon as possible, because time is running out and everyone is counting on him. this is who Deku is. and this is what inevitably happens when his saving mentality is taken to extremes, and left unchecked.

anyway so to wrap up this post now, I do think this arc is a lot more cohesive than it’s gotten credit for thus far, and Deku is the glue holding it all together. I for one am loving the exploration of his character and all the subtle little angsty touches as we build up to the big moment, whenever it finally comes. just keep in mind though that if his decisions right now seem reckless and short-sighted, it’s because they’re supposed to seem that way, because Deku is not in a good mental state right now. the cracks are finally showing in our perfect protagonist, just like everyone has been wanting this whole time. he is just a kid. he is doing his best. he is trying far too hard to do his best, and it is hurting him so badly, but he doesn’t even realize. this arc is not an endorsement of the Angsty Nomad Hero lifestyle, lol. it’s the exact fucking opposite, and I think it’s being wildly misinterpreted with all of the emphasis on “oh look at that, he mastered another quirk with no effort”, as opposed to “oh look at that, he is shutting down emotionally and is a few more missed nights of sleep away from a complete and total breakdown.”

tl;dr the overarching storyline of this arc is all about Deku slowly falling apart due to his trauma from Jakku, and the subsequent pressure that was put on him by the Vestiges with their whole “GUESS WHAT, YOU’RE THE LAST USER OF OFA, THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S ALL ON YOU BUDDY” pep talk. and mark my words, things are not going to go according to plan. something is going to go terribly wrong here. whether it’s something happening to All Might, or AFO setting up a trap for him, either way Deku is being set up to fail in a major way. unless of course, someone (or a group of someones) manages to intervene first, and possibly stage an intervention or something. it’s what he needs right now, but idk if Horikoshi is going to make it that easy.

anyway, but in other words, the point of this arc is not to show how much stronger Deku has gotten and how he doesn’t even need his friends anymore. it’s the exact opposite -- the point of this arc is to show that Deku needs his friends now more than ever. that in spite of OFA and all of its mystical trappings and fancy SIXQUIRKS, Deku can’t do this alone. he needs his friends. that’s the core message. and right now, we are at the “I can get by on my own” part of the story. and the part we are all waiting for, but which is coming -- I guarantee it is coming, you guys -- is “the thing is, you don’t have to.”

and that shit is going to slap hard you guys. and I for one can’t wait. but until then, enjoy the angst.

[riceball1759]

Reading Tips from your Hyper Librarian

"So many books, so little time", right? If anyone understands this, it's us bibliophiles and librarians (and publishers) -especially someone like me! My interests are super varied and many times, I'll start reading a few chapters in a book that REALLY REALLY interests me...but then, I have that ADHD SHINY moment and the poor thing is forgotten. Seriously, this is a constant struggle. Being a librarian makes this even more important that I know what I'm recommending. And I do! I just can't get the focus to actually read them>< I'm part of a committee that is assigned reading every year for 3 months (give or take) and -you guessed it- I get that done. Why? It's got a deadline and I churn through them like nobody's business. It also helps that I didn't choose them and they aren't always what I normally like to read. It gives me an edge when helping certain patrons look for something I normally don't read. Not that I don't have an idea already -it's just more cemented than usual since I actually read that particular book. Though I kinda gave you one of my tips in this blurb, I'll rehash later!

A little more on my SHINY moments and then we'll get to my tips! Like I said before, SHINY really takes a toll sometimes on my goals, but it also helps. How? Situation: I hear all this buzz about this upcoming book (debut author/fresh voice/intriguing plotline/etc.). I either miraculously get an ARC or I'm waiting with bated breath, for the dang thing to get shipped to my library so that I can "steal" it for the weekend before it gets catalogued (I tell everyone I'm borrowing it, so don't judge me!). If all goes according to plan, I DEVOUR it within a day and come back exclaiming all the virtues of reading said book. I might even write a glowing review (if I had the capacity at the time). This has happened with a few books in the past years: Stay Gold, Wicked Fox & Vicious Spirits, Ember in the Ashes, Invisible Differences, and a few others, but I can't remember right now. Point: it's super hard for me to get the reading I want done, actually done.

AND NOW, for the star of our show: The Hyper Librarian's Reading Tips!

Please remember, these are things I remind myself of when I'm having a hard time getting through my TBR (the library-books-out-that-are-due TBR). Some lead into or are extensions of others, but being specific is necessary for me. You can adapt them to your needs or or just copy/paste them into your life :)

1) It's ok to DNF. So you gave this book the 'old college try' and just can't do it -it's becoming torturous and you're at risk of going into the dreaded slump... Just stop already and save yourself more grief. Another reason is that you're just not in the mood to finish, so don't. Why torture yourself (again -I seem to like using this word, but it's so accurate at times!) by seeing a book lying close by that you wish was anywhere but? Some of us (incl. moi) have a shelf on Goodreads just for those pesky things. Let's cut the drama and move on! I find it therapeutic as well as final.

2) You are your own censorship committee. We all have that verbal content line where ~once toed/crossed~ our tolerance, belief, comfort level, etc., is compromised to the point where there's no enjoyment because of that one or more 'tidbits' giving you grief. Sometimes, I'll scan several reviews before starting because I want to make sure I don't get any 'surprises'. Most times, I get to that proverbial part that has me slamming the book closed, never to be opened again (dramatic, yes, but sometimes very true!). {{Point}}: you are the only person keeping you from reading something you don't like!

3) Be picky! You are as unique as your fingerprint. Why wouldn't your reading habits follow? If you get a rec that is absolutely not your thing, say no (thank you). It's not fair to you if you're just going to trudge through it anyway for the sake of being polite to friends/family/librarians/coworkers/etc (publishers, I'm sorry). If you like vampires, werewolves, and all things paranormal (like me) don't despair of the current books coming out -look back to the '90s and '00s! Reading is one of the most personal things we experience in our lives. {{Please, for the sake of your sanity}}: read reviews, look for trigger warnings (if that applies to you), verify that historically under-represented voices are portrayed correctly (misinformation is our greatest threat). For example: I won't buy a book about LGBT+ characters without verifying the plot as authentic (i.e. all fluff and no real problems vs real problems with a happy ending). I need to know that the book about that Transgender girl is written by someone who is either also Transgender or very well-informed.

4) Own your reading preferences. Just own it. I read somewhere in a journal interview that the concept of "guilty pleasure" shouldn't exist. So you like SJM's ACOTAR and are all about that fan community life, but are afraid to talk about it even though it's basically a mainstream subculture now? {{Point}}: Stop feeling guilty for what makes you happy! If people judge, that's their problem. I read romance for stress relief and because I just happen to like happy endings. Seriously, people need to stop shaming romance readers and self-shame is a huge part! Don't shame yourself, "SHUN THE NON-BELIEVERS"! (Charlie the Unicorn, RIP in Youtube history)

5) It's ok to read more than one book at a time. If you're anything like me (the Attention Deficit part), you probably have up to 5 books going at the same time: that paperback at home, the ebook on your phone, audiobook in the car, hardcover in your office, etc. (I know that's not 5 -I ran out of ideas!). Point: it's only natural you're in the mood for something different at certain periods of the day, week, or whatever. They'll get finished eventually. Just spare a thought for the 1 or 2 that are a little extra "dusty" cuz that might mean you need to DNF...just a thought.

6) Book clubs are your friend! They can be your enemy, too; but here's what you do: choose one that reads almost everything you want to in a specific genre. I'm not talking the next bestseller (unless that's you). I'm talking genre-specific and something you researched before joining. Online or in-person, this is has the potential for changing your reading habits for the better because you'll actually want to interact and read the books! I decided to join a book club so I could finally talk about a niche genre that is one of my favorites: Christian fiction. No one around me reads this (anymore) and I have no one to talk to (regularly) and trade recs with, so I joined a Facebook group and it's really nice to chat about all these great books and authors I've recently read with others who do the same:)

7) Book journaling. Yes, you may have heard of these things. There are so many ways to journal about your reading: bullet journals, the blank ones where you can let loose your creativity, the ones like from Moleskin where you just fill in the pre-determined spaces (aka: reading log), lined journals for writing your heart out, themed reading planners and TBR journals... Just look it up, the interwebs has you covered. The key is to use them as a tool for expanding and enriching your enjoyment or education (nonfic). I don't journal for everything, but I do like to do it for the ones I know I'm going to review later or for general reflections as I read. I started doing it by chapters, but that doesn't cut it when something jumps out at me from a random page and I NEED to write about it immediately. So, I make note of the page # and we good! I'm very personal in my writing (if you can't tell) and it can turn into tangents, but that's how I roll. I don't do that artsy stuff because that takes away from the reason I'm doing this in the first place. I write about anything regarding my reading -incl my reading slumps. I love it.

Wishing you Happy Reading! Thank you for reading:)

[nouveauweird]

bullshit-free guide to actually fucking writing your wip

disclaimer: this isn’t a fool proof method. when it comes to writing advice and techniques for productivity I say keep an open mind, but take what works for you and leave the rest. 

disclaimer 02: this is more or less for people who want to eventually publish, but there may be elements in here that benefit hobby-writers.

Where & When You Write

Some people will tell you that your writing routine needs to be sacred. I don’t quite believe that. You can absolutely curate a space for yourself that you aim to write in, but at the same time, focusing very strongly on the ritual of writing makes it hard to create an adaptable habit. 

The Writing Zone: 

Your desk or table should face away from your bed, my mother always swore by that and it stuck with me. If space doesn’t allow for that, consider putting furniture or some partition up so you can’t see your bed. For some reason, this makes focusing easier. 

For those of you who may be bedridden or have limited space, a good bed-desk is absolutely just as acceptable (I am actually planning to get one). 

If you have a space separate from your bedroom, the follow applies as well: 

Eliminate as much distraction as possible from your desk. Your experience of distraction is unique so do what you gotta do to eliminate it. 

Make sure your space is well lit. Background light is essential to avoid eyestrain when staring at a screen.

Your chair should be comfortable, and support your back. Scoot your ass all the way to the back of the chair and try sitting on your thighs as much as possible to take strain off your lower spine (my chiropractor told me this).

The Writing Time: 

You need to make time for your writing. Summer means the sunshine is waking me up at 5:45 AM and it’s too hot to doze comfortably so my ass is up and writing or reading until 7 AM when I gotta start getting reading for the day. If I have to catch the 10:15 AM bus, I’ve for about 4 hours to work with between waking up and leaving. 

I finished July 2019 Camp Nano by writing in the morning. And I’m not even a morning person, I swear.

Make time for you writing. If you can make a routine you can stick to, excellent, if you have a handful of 5-10 minute time-pockets— also okay! The 30 minutes your dinner is in the oven is just as good a time to write as any other.

How do you learn how to write in tiny time pockets, you ask, well here it is: Micro Writing Sprints and Macro Writing Sprints. The former applies to pockets of time under 15 mins, while the latter applies to pockets of time over 20 mins. All you have to do is set a timer and challenge yourself to write as much as you possibly can. 

Another thing to keep in mind is knowing your personal limits. If your attention suffers and you start to wander after 15 mins, keep your sprints to 5-10 minute blocks, and give yourself 5-15 min breaks where you get up, drink some water, move your body and then come back to your writing. 

How to Write More, Faster

You have to kill your inner editor. Or at least subdue them. You can fix a typo or whatever but that’s really it. The idea is that you need to allow yourself to get into a mindset where you’re only focusing on the writing, your prose is allowed to be a mess. Insecurity and doubt have no place here, only writing.

Your first draft doesn’t need to be clean. You get to clean it up when it’s done. Stephen King says you write your first draft with the door closed, and the second with the door open, and I like that saying a lot. The revision process is actually way more fun than I thought it would be. I get to make fun of myself for my weird writing quirks— every single one of my “most common errors” in my Grammarly report is about misusing commas!— and restructure and improve upon the foundation I laid with the first draft.

If you come up with something that changes something significant to your story, write a note about it, and then continue on with your draft like it’s been that way the whole ass time. Do not go back and change things. Just keep writing.

Learning how to do Writing Sprints allows you to quickly get into the habit of putting everything down as fast as you can without overthinking it. Because the real thinking is for later, when you’re revising. Essentially these Sprints enable you to get into the writing zone much faster, so feasibly you could write in small time-pockets at the bus stop, in a waiting room, on the bus—anywhere.

Outlining will make you write faster.

Yes I am pro-outlining, please don’t click away because of that, because I also still think that you need to use what works for you, and if you’re reading this something isn’t working, so please keep your mind open.

The very least you should try is preparing or pre-planning what you need to write for your writing session (no matter how short). You will write more and faster this way. Most of all, you will be less likely to “wander” around. 

I wrote out a small fragment-filled paragraph of what needed to happen in the first few scenes of my July 2019 Camp Nano project and got them out more easily and faster compared to when I didn’t. I wrote sustainedly in 30 minute time-pockets with a great deal of focus when I prepared my writing before actually writing.

Your WIP Outline

What if your outline was also actually super connected to your character sheets? Libbie Hawker makes this sound so easy in her book “Take Off Your Pants” in which she broke down some very interesting ideas on how to build your characters and your story that I hadn’t previously considered. 

What I ended up with was something like this: 

CHARACTER NAME Character: write down the basics; age, career, small relevant facts Flaw: what problem do they have that hinders them External goal: the thing they want that they can’t get unless they overcome their ‘flaw’ Ally:  who pushes the character toward their goal when they stray Antagonist: who has same or aligned goal, but with different motives and execution Events:

Opening scene

Inciting event

Character realizes external goal

Display of flaw

Drive for goal

Antagonist reveal

Thwart 01

Revisiting flaw

New drive for goal

Antagonist attacks

Thwart 02

Changed goal

Ally intervention

Renewed Focus

Battle

Death

Outcome

End: success or failure or neutral result with regards to overcoming ‘flaw’

The stuff under the “Events” category is stuff everyone has seen before in narrative charts, and it won’t be the last time you see it either. You can use or discard or repeat them however many times you need to. I still think this plot chart that I made it great for figuring out pacing, so check that out if you need some help there.

You can also apply these to series, where the character’s “Flaw” and “External goal” change as the narrative progresses. 

All of these parts are explained in Libbie Hawker’s book, but I’m happy to explain if you DM me! 

I applied a central idea for my WIP “Hyacinth Stalks” and all the central characters share a common idea with regards to their flaws. Hawker recommends filling in this information for all central characters, and working in which events which characters will interact in. 

The common idea is that my characters are “holding onto the past to feel more in control in the present”. Juliet Shain maintains habits of maintaining a “perfect athletic body” in the same way she did as a dancer five years earlier. She can’t exercise that same control over her mental health, which she struggles with, because of questions she has pertaining to the accident that lost her her leg remaining unanswered. 

Juliet’s ultimate goal is closure about the accident, which she won’t be able to access unless she stops holding onto the past and in turn the idea that the accident “ruined” her. 

I can apply the same things to Alana Murdock, another central character in “Hyacinth Stalks”, who, because she could only rely on herself after her sister’s murder while her parents grieved and her brother cut all contact, rejects her brother’s attempt to reconnect in order to protect herself in the present despite the stress of the upcoming 10th anniversary of the Hyacinth Killer’s disappearance. Her goal, would be to make it to the Olympic Volleyball team, which she won’t be able to do unless she stops isolating herself.

I can now approach the Events sections with more clarity because I know what the characters’ goals are and what their hindrances are as well. I can apply the same ideas to the other central characters, as well as the Serial Killer and weave their stories into the narrative as well. When you have a strong character arc, you can build a strong story.

When you can answer the questions about your character(s) you can fill in those Event sections with far more ease, and begin to break those sections down into chapters, scenes, or beats, with as much or as little detail as you want. Libbie Hawker’s method involves writing out paragraphs worth of scene details before actually getting to the writing. She says this isn’t necessary, but that for her it eliminates “wandering” and any doubts about what needs to be put on the page. 

Personally speaking, I lie somewhere in the middle, wherein my scene outlines involve small paragraph or bullet points for what needs to happen. 

Hawker has written books in 21 days, so there is definitely some magic in her method. In her book, Hawker details that creating her outline took 4 hours. When I outlined “But a Monster” it took a week (5 days), and despite not having had her method then, the existence of the outline made writing the novel much clearer and focused, which my writing had not been prior to admitting I needed to give outlining a chance. 

All writing advice is a tree of wisdom

Take what benefits you most and leave the rest. 

I have fully taken the advice that I have attempted to explain here. I read in “5000 Words Per Hour” by Chris Fox and “Take Off Your Pants” by Libbie Hawker and felt incredibly inspired and motivated, but some of what they say or eschue doesn’t resonate with me or my craft. I have to do what works for my writing, and if I’m happy with the pace the work is going at then alright! 

What I’ve written here is meant to give you new ideas on how to be more productive. I read the books that helped me come up with this because I felt like something was lacking in my writing routine and I had my eyes opened. I hope I have opened yours too and that your work benefits from this.

[chibivesicle]

Golden Kamuy chapters 205 & 206:  the medium is the message - and Asirpa realizes her role in the hunt for the gold.

I’ve decided to combine chapters 205 & 206 for analysis.  I was stuck on chapter 205 and it made more sense for me to look at both chapters at the same time. The series is clearly at a slower point, setting up things and adding some comedy to balance out things when they get overly intense.  Just think back to 185-191.

This upcoming intensity is alluded to in a very blunt way, the chapter title page here with Tsurumi in a bed of weapons. It is as though he is an unnatural and almost zombie like man cradled in a pile of elements of death and destruction.

His skin tone is a sickening shade of yellow green, and his veins are clearly visible.

He’s clearly living up to his shinigami nickname and this likely refers back to his early mention in the manga about supplying countries with arms for WWI to Mr. Thomas as well as his goal to employ the families of the men lost in the Russo-Japanese war in his weapons industry for WWI.  Despite all of this information we already know about Tsurumi, we still don’t know his original motivations for why he thought this is a good idea.  What does he hope to achieve by creating a military dictatorship on Hokkaido?  Who is he fighting as a result of Ogla & Fina’s deaths?

Anyways, those are some thoughts to ponder at greater length another time.

The chapter starts off very seriously.  Tsukishima finds Sugimoto and talks to him away from the others.  He flat out tells Sugimoto that Kiro took Asirpa to Karafuto to remember the key to the gold that needed to be facilitated by Sofia. Furthermore, Tsukishima figured out that Ogata ran off with Asirpa b/c he knew she had figured out the code and when she talked to Kiro and relaxed before dying, it means that Asirpa knows what the the key is.

Tsukishima states this as a question, but really, it is only a formality - everyone present knows the Asirpa told Kiro something that gave him the ability to die at least knowing Asirpa learned something important, the code.

Based on what Tsukishima is summarizing, it is clear he knows more about those involved than Tsurumi let Sugimoto know.  Sugimoto asked him in Abashiri why he thought they went to Karafuto.  Tsurumi recounts the fact from the initial events that got Wilk caught; the other men were murdered, he was heading towards Karafuto with a small amount of gold when he got caught.  He then added in that b/c they were partisans, Kiro would likely want to reconnect his allies here.

Tsurumi only gives Sugimoto basic information - that Kiro will want to work with partisans and get Asirpa in contact with them.  He doesn’t mention Sofia, the fact she’s in Akou, in a Russian prison, that he’ll float information to someone to make sure the border guards are on the alert for Kiro and Wilk.  Meanwhile, he clearly gave at least some of this information to Tsukishima to help him figure things out on the fly.

Tsukishima is bold enough to ask if Ogata tried to kill her because he got the code from her and she was no longer necessary.  Sugimoto’s response is so well, Sugimoto.  That Asirpa would not tell Ogata the code.  What he doesn’t know is that Ogata almost got the code out of her.

Sugimoto then tells Tsukishima that he’ll talk to her and that Tsukishima shouldn’t interfere.  Sugimoto is unable to see Tsukishim’s facial expression at that point in time.  I wonder if Sugimoto is trying to hide his own expression?  But he misses seeing Tsukishima’s expression that is very emotional for Tsukishima.  He’s not pleased at all with Sugimoto pushing him out of the way.

The rest of the chapter changes focus to the potential power of film.

The two filmmakers give the group a free viewing of some of their film footage and it gives Asirpa the idea that they should try to record Ainu stories so that others could understand them.  Already at the beginning she’s concerned and disappointed that they can only record images but not voices.

Despite that, she decides that they should still do their best to film Ainu culture.  At first she thinks, this will be a great idea, since there is no language their film will be universally understood.  She’s very excited by this idea, and it is a very smart idea, one that we as readers would expect from Asirpa.  Sugimoto’s facial expression is unusual here.  He looks unhappy, and again the protective covering for his head is visible under his cap. 

Does he not understand her need to preserve her culture.  Or Is he concerned that she’s realized her culture is in danger and she’s using language that Wilk or Kiro would use?  Whatever it is, Sugimoto is not happy with this statement from Asirpa.

With his typical jock persuasion, Sugimoto convinces Inaba to let her film her Ainu folktales. 

This then transitions to the mainly comedy part of the chapter.  Asirpa becomes a stereotypical over the top demanding director. 

Honestly, I felt meh about the whole Pannape and Pennape bit.  Sugimoto gets cast as the fortunate Pannape who gets good things to happen due to his penis.  His loving wife is played by Koito, I guess because he’s more attractive than Tsukishima?  The unlucky Pennape is played by Sugimoto and his wife is played by Tsukishima who also has exceptionally large breasts.  I feel sorry for Shiraishi, we already know the guy is less than blessed below the belt but having his penis cut off and then dying is just harsh and odd.

This also reveals that Vasily is helping with their set, by painting props so he’s still stuck to the group like glue waiting for Ogata to pop up.

What is interesting is that Tsukishima again approaches Sugimoto about his method for dealing with Asirpa while they are filming.  I find it interesting that he tells Sugimoto they don’t have any time.  This implies from the beginning of the chapter that Tsukishima wants to get the code from Asirpa before Tsurumi gets to Karafuto.  It is almost as though Tsukishima is trying to avoid having Asirpa have to deal with Tsurumi directly . . .  Sugimoto replies by trying to make it clear that only he will deal with Asirpa.

Koito is clearly unaware of Tsukishima’s conversation with Sugimoto and instead, being the competitive person he is, wonders if Tsukishima is trying to get more scenes by currying favor with Sugimoto.  I think there is a lot more with Koito going on below the surface, he’s clearly still upset at Tsukishima and I think this is another way that he’s lashing out at him.  He may not even realize it, but it is clear that Tsukishima knows more things in regards to the mission that Koito does. 

I will say though, Koito is really into this!  It is just like the circus arc he shows, when motivated through competition he’ll got to great lengths.  Plus, we know he is a natural performer.

What I find even more exciting and interesting is that he is NOT MOTIVATED by Tsurumi.  Tsukishima was able to get even more out of Koito during the circus arc by using the extra Tsurumi bromides as carrots.  Here there are no Tsurumi bromides, no validation and praise from Tsurumi nor his father.  Koito’s just really motivated from himself.  Or at least this is what I see happening.  I dunno, I think this is a big deal for Koito.  He’s doing stuff likely based on internal motivation not external.  I’ll get back to this later on when I discuss chapter 206.

Despite a cast of people of varying motivation, Asirpa becomes upset b/c she realizes silly stories about lucky and unlucky men and their penises won’t convey Ainu culture for future generations.  Sugimoto suggests she try a more serious story instead.

She agrees and for this one she uses a more diverse cast as well.

Cikapasi is the lead, the youngest of three brothers who went on a hunting trip and stopped by a house with a man who had three daughters. They hung out and a strange man showed up, who was a bear in disguise.  The oldest brother helped the youngest to defeat the bear, by hitting him with a stick revealing his true identity.  The family was thankful for their help.  The brothers continued on their journey.

As they came back by the house, they were offered the chance to marry the daughters and the youngest brother agreed to do so.  He was so happy to have a family to be a part of as shown here with Cikapasi, Enonoka and her grandfather.  As Enonoka and her grandfather smile at Cikapasi we see his eyes wide open, sparkly (again as much as GK charas can) and he’s unable to say something . . .

I think that this conveys that Enonoka and her grandfather would love to have Cikapasi as a part of their own family.  And he just realized it at this point.

The story then reveals that the oldest brother, played by Tanigaki is actually a bird kamuy and he leaves the younger brothers behind.  She also explains that the main character was an orphan and he was taken into the kamuy’s family and raised and cared for by him.  But it is now time for them to say goodbye.  Asirpa’s prompt is key at this moment, he will say goodbye to “that man” forever [Tanigaki].

Cikapasi sweats as he realizes what this means and this results in the most emotionally honest performance of any one that day.  Tanigaki looks down upon Cikapasi with such a soft look, in the story the bird’s tears turned to rain.  What is more important is that Cikapasi cries as he says Tanigaki’s name.  He knows what will likely happen between them now, that he will have to separate from Tanigaki, now that he’s found a family.

I’d like to note that Tanigaki now has light in his eyes.  Tanigaki’s eyes have always been variable throughout the series.  Like many members of the 7th, he frequently in serious situations is shown with no light in his eyes, no sparkle.  But in instances of domestic calm e.g eating borscht with the light house couple or relaxing we can see some sparkle.  However, his eyes also sparkle in extremely violent situations - this was shown when Ogata tried to snipe him and when he fought Kiro and stabbed him with his own knife.  I wonder if the sparkle for Tanigaki happens when he’s allowing others to see his emotions as opposed to times when he’s just following orders and trying to lay low.  It is hard to tell.

Either way, this chapter was an exceptionally emotional one for Asirpa and Cikapasi for different reasons.

After thinking about chapter 205 for awhile, I really like the idea that Asirpa was the director.  Yes, her film is a bit of a disaster since she’s a kid and not an amazing director, but I really like the fact that she was able to direct her own culture and cultural experience.  She is a native, female director trying to capture what is most important to her and not through the lens of an outsider.  I think this is incredibly important and it also shows that GK is written in 2019 and not 1907.  There is a great debate in the movie and television industry about if the media is inclusive enough or not currently.  This shows that it is critical to allow someone to depict their cultural context without someone else doing it and making it exotic and his 100% relavent RIGHT NOW.

For me, I can’t stress this enough, it is the fact that Asirpa takes control of the media relating to her culture that really stood out for me in this chapter.  I had to look beyond the penis jokes and see the events in chapter 206 to really get this to click for me.  As we know, Hijikata has his own plans to use her and her culture in the fight for the gold.  And as chapter 206 shows, the filmmakers were capturing her own culture through their own cultural context as a French man (very colonial) and a Japanese man (a growing colonial power).  Obviously, their own opinions will impact their film making.  We all have bias that we bring to our interpretations.  I think the fact that Asirpa’s own bias will help to equalize out those who are looking from the outside in at her culture and this includes Sugimoto and Tanigaki.  I can’t help but feeling that these two men are cherry picking what they want to borrow from Ainu culture but see the rest as not valuable or valid.

Chapter 206 continues the transition to the results of their film making experiment.  Thanks to Koito’s affluence, they are able to rent an entire theatre for themselves (including Vasily- Vasya, please go home).  Shiraishi points out the obvious about Koito’s wealth with a carefree attitude.  Tsukishima glances at Shiraishi, Koito flat out ignores him.

Sugimoto is looking concerned at a very serious looking Asirpa (likely how her work will present itself) and Tanigaki looks at Enonoka and Cikapasi excited to see the film!  If you look further out, it also appears that Sugimoto and Tsukishima are looking at each other as well.  Does this mean they are both staring each other down as well as looking at the others?  Can this be read as both things happening at once?  I’m going to say yes, both.

The only people interested in viewing film so clearly are Asirpa, Koito, Cikapasi and Enonoka.

The chapter than gives a montage of the film and various characters reactions to things.  Koito is clearly quite proud of his acting skills as after it shows him cutting the pole penis, he glances back to Tsukishima both proud and a bit cocky.  I really think he wants Tsukishima to be impressed or feel that Koito out performed him.

This is not a look that wants Tsukishima’s approval, it is more of a “beat that Tsukishima!”. The next shows it all with Tsukishima’s very Tsukishima performance which was his fake breasts jiggling.  What is important is what this is allowing Cikapasi and Tanigaki to realize. . . .  As the Tanigaki bird kamuy flies by Enonoka and Cikapasi are holding hands.

Enonoka is excited by the scene, Cikapasi looks serious, he’s recognizing that he likely will have to make a choice - stay with Enonoka or go back.  His facial expression seems to be leaning towards saying good-bye to Tanigaki.  It shows Tanigaki then looking at both of them, he’s again got a soft sparkle in his eyes - I think he too knows that they should part ways - or is he going to ask Cikapasi to still join him even if it isn’t the best option for Cikapasi?  I really hope they realize the best thing is for both of them to appreciate their time together, but to move on.

Things get more interesting as they explain they filmed near Otaru more than 10 years prior.  It shows Wilk with a bow and arrow and Huci and another woman are in the background clapping.  All of the adults are surprised to see Wilk’s actual face. Shiraishi calls him Wilk as he and Sugimoto both sweat.  Koito instead calls him Noppera-bou (in the Japanese raws, not scan translation) since he is not a connected to him but now sees him in a more human light.  Tsukishima meanwhile is unmoved and does not appear surprised at all. 

Is this b/c Tsukishima is being Tsukishima or did he know or spy on Wilk for Tsurumi in the past?  I think Tsukishima knew what Wilk looked like before the injury.  Tanigaki just looks at him in awe.  Not sweating but clearly thinking something. . . .  thinking about that father you ran away from Tanigaki?  Did you realize something?

The film goes on to feature the woman who is clearly Asirpa’s mother both based on her appearance but also based on her behaviours!  Noda wants to make it quite clear that this woman is Asirpa’s mother.  No doubts readers, this woman was Asirpa’s mother.

The film then shows a scene of Wilk kissing a child in a papoose on her back.  It is clear that the child is Asirpa, and that the film as caught both of her parents in action.  Also, notice that Asirpa’s mother had her ears pierced but she was not wearing earrings.  I wonder if this has any importance to her role in the community.  Her tattoo is also minimal, very much like Inkarmat’s.  Was Asirpa’s mother a more progressive and modern Ainu woman as well?

My personal favorite part of the chapter is the two page spread below.  I love everything about it.  The image of Asirpa and her mother on the screen, Vasily in the back along with Tsuki and Shiraishi also hanging back.  Asirpa is cast in the light, Shiraishi is in grey and we can see his facial expression yet Sugimoto is entirely shaded in black.  Inaba explains the dialogue between himself and Wilk. It ends showing Kiro looking at the camera while Wilk is in the background shaded.  The spread ends with Sugimoto, Asirpa and Shiraishi all looking at it in awe!

The lighting, framing, everything about this is so nice.  It gives the entire feeling of the reactions of everyone.  What is most interesting to me, is that Inaba tells him that registering to marry Asirpa’s mother mean he would count as Japanese and that he could end up drafted for the war.  The manga has never touched on the idea of Wilk fighting in the war, only Kiro.  Both frames show Kiro in the foreground before Wilk - I wonder if Kiro reported for duty as Wilk instead of Wilk going?  Kiro is the one who looks back towards the viewer (Inaba).  If Kiro went instead of Wilk - would anyone know the difference? Japanese office for draft intake: “Hey a random Ainu says he’s Wilk.  Yep, must be him, I mean he’s an Ainu guy.” (whatever his registered name was that we still don’t know) plus we never learned Kiro’s registered name either.

 I really wonder if they just pulled a fast one on the Japanese government.  Asirpa has always mentioned her father being there for her and raising her - I can’t help but think that Kiro took his place if he was drafted. . . . I could see Kiro taking one for the team so to speak.

Sadly, around that time the arc lamp sparks and the film begins to melt and they run out before there is a fire.  Asirpa then walks away from the group outside of the theatre.  Sugimoto goes after her to ask her if she’s okay.  She looks so sad yet thoughtful during these scenes.  Her encounter with film as a medium has given her more perspective. 

She finally got to see what her mother looked like but it does not convey the love for her the same way that she gets from her father telling her about her mother.  She has learned a lot through her journey with Kiro (part of his monologue to her at the fox farm).  She learned about the Karafuto Ainu and other ethnic groups.  It shows her looking through the fence at the foxes at the fox farm - is this a tie to Ogata doing the same thing as her?  Ogata was looking at the foxes while Kiro talked to her and vice versa.

It also shows the sama of the Uilta people was he’s trying to help remove whatever has taken hold of Ogata during his fever state.  It lastly shows the Nivhk people tanning fish hides.  Out of the four scenes here, two are clearly linked to Ogata . . . what does it mean?  Two of the scenes are directly linked to Wilk, the fox farm and the Karafuto Ainu sled dog and maybe the sama a bit since he shot a reindeer just like Ogata did by accident.  Come on Noda!  You tie Ogata and Asirpa together too frequently for it to be random.

The next page is very dramatic. . . . Asirpa’s face is shaded so we can’t see her expression, and nor can Sugimoto. Her wolf cloak blows in the wind dramatically as she asks Sugimoto if it is true that she needs to fight for what she wants to protect as Kiro and Wilk have said.

His reaction to her words is immediate, we get the feeling that he’s becoming emotionally charged, the erratic screentones in the background the wind blowing his scarf up and his hair becomes more on edge.  Sugimoto says that she doesn’t need to be the one fighting though.

She then states that once the gold is found she should go back to being who she was before, an Ainu girl living near Otaru, hunting and enjoying her food with “hinna hinna”.  She asks him if that is what he’s saying.  It is interesting that she has pretty much asked Sugimoto if she should do what Ogata told her to do back in chapter 185.

The conversation continues to ratchet things up - she continues to state that Kiro didn’t die just so that she could go home.  He wanted her to understand the plight of the native peoples and that she can’t ignore this.  Sugimoto then tells her that she doesn’t have to fight. Her response is blunt.

She calls him out on it - he’s not telling her these things for Asirpa - he’s doing it for himself.  The next panel almost gives me chills she asks him if he sees inside her a reminder of himself before the war - when he at persimmons with his friends and he was much more carefree and happy.

Sugimoto’s shaded face is almost like his admission of guilt - she hit the nail on the head.  She’s confirmed that this is a major part of his involvement.

I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised when Sugimoto doesn’t deny that he’s using her to an extent.  So that he can go back to the time when he was able to eat dried persimmons with Toraji and Umeko.  Asirpa shows a look of surprise and realization when he doesn’t deny it.  What I do find concerning is how unhappy he looks before he comes clean.  That frown is so obvious that this is a conversation he doesn’t want to be having.  I get the feeling that Sugimoto wanted Asirpa to simply drop out of the fight because he has said so.

Sugimoto finally talks about the stuff that he wanted to talk to her about back in 139 when he was heading to Karafuto and while talking with Koito Sr.  He finally explains that Wilk wanted Asirpa to lead the Ainu and fight the Japanese and the Russians.  I have been waiting so long for Sugimoto to finally have this conversation with her.  But - I’m not pleased with the idea that he tells her that Wilk and Kiro wanted her to fight and kill people for the cause.  He even says that Kiro’s death was so that Asirpa would feel like she had no choice to fight to save her culture.  Honestly, I don’t think Kiro was too keen on dying for the cause; yes, he was able to die at peace b/c Asirpa learned things and remembered the code but he clearly would have preferred to have still been fighting.

It is more that Sugimoto is adding this as his own emphasis, to fight for her culture, she will kill people, just like Wilk and Kiro.   He tells her that he can’t forgive Wilk and Kiro for doing this to her - putting her in this position.  Asirpa likely doesn’t see this the same way as Sugimoto - she sees that her eyes have been opened to what is happening and she even had seen how Inkarmat was fighting for the Ainu as well (her methods didn’t get the correct result but she tried). 

There are so many things happening here - likely Wilk and Kiro didn’t give a damn about whether or not someone like Sugimoto could forgive them. 

They weren’t looking for “forgiveness” for their actions from a non-native and a colonizer.

Why would they? They are the victims of colonialism and they for certain aren’t looking for forgiveness from their colonizers that is a ridiculous concept.  Sugimoto’s viewpoint is a slap in the face to Asirpa - he’s “morally right” enough that his judgement of Wilk and Kiro is better than Asirpa’s own “judgement” of them.

What Sugimoto got out of his conversation with Koito Sr. is that Wilk and by extension, Koito Sr. said is that leaders who are asking others to sacrifice their children for a cause must do that same.  Koito Sr. speaks specifically about Koito, but as we learn in Koito’s flashback, he’s already lost one of son’s due to his leadership role.  At this point in the story it allows the reader to show that Koito Sr. is willing to make the sacrifice of his second son if he has to as a leader of his people. 

Sugimoto’s dialogue shows that he did not get the point that Koito Sr. was trying to say instead he just asks her if she wants to fight like her father did.

What I don’t like about this is that Sugimoto then states that he doesn’t have his own children but he thinks he knows what it is like to be a parent.  That’s what his words imply to Asirpa. He takes the fire and brimstone approach to Asirpa - that if she kills she will go to the Ainu hell.  I don’t know what to think of this approach - Koito Sr. was trying to give Sugimoto perspective as to the putative role Wilk wanted Asirpa to play in the Ainu and the ethnic minorities. 

No one in the manga is denying that Wilk wanted her to do things that in our modern mindset seem cruel and unfair to her.  However, for most of human history, children were a means to an end, you had children so they could continue to do whatever you were doing.  The ideas of marrying people for love and allowing children to have a free will to decide what they are doing is still not even universal today.

Asirpa is sweating as he tells her that she should not get involved b/c she will have to kill others and she will know what that is like.  The visual of demon Sugimoto then is shown before a profusely sweating Asirpa before the final panel here. 

The gap between them seems so great to me.  Asirpa is small and separated from him and looking up at him.  Meanwhile, Sugimoto is clearly looking down upon her.  If the tension continues between them, it will set up Asirpa’s reply to be something likely divisive or very emotional.

Is Sugimoto being heavy handed because Asirpa called him out on his “use” of her to remind him of his younger, unbroken self?  He tells her that she is fortunate to have made it this far in the quest for the gold and hasn’t killed anyone like the rest of them.  She still has lead to the harm of others directly or indirectly. . .

The chapter of 206 sums up the state of Sugimoto and Asirpa and the last panel visually shows it - it truly is “the distance between the two of them”.

Okay, so time for some crazy theories and obeservations.

This is the second time that someone has talked to Asirpa about her role in the hunt for the gold and it is clear that this is a parallel with what happened between Asirpa and Ogata.

Similar to with Sugimoto here where he asks her if she is alright with his face obscured making his intent unclear.

Ogata also first approaches her from behind his eyes shaded.

This leads him to asking her if she learned the code showing hims again with his face obscured as she turns to him.  Notice how the wind blows around them with her hair flowing and his cloak as well.

Which is similar to this scene with Sugimoto.  The wind blows her wolf skin cloak and later on we see Sugimoto’s scarf also blowing in the wind.

But things then go differently for awhile.  Sugimoto continues to tower over her from a bit of a distance while in contrast Ogata kneels before her.

He is lower than her as he asks her that she wants to live near her home hunting.  Interestingly, as a true grandma’s boy, he includes her Huci in his statement.

This statement by Ogata likely is what prompted Asirpa to phrase things to this way to Sugimoto.  She’s asking Sugimoto if he’s implying the same thing that Ogata was implying.  What is interesting is we as the readers can see this but Sugimoto doesn’t know that Asirpa is using Ogata’s words towards him.  GK is full of scenes where characters re-use each other’s dialogue when talking to them - Ogata is the best example of this and now Asirpa is doing the same thing that Ogata has been shown to do.  Again, Asirpa and Ogata are linked through this mechanism.

What I personally find interesting is how Sugimoto and Ogata try completely different ways to argue the same thing. In 185 Ogata tells her that she should leave the fight to Kiro and Sofia and that she shouldn’t carry such a heavy burden.  Ogata never directly tells he to not fight - instead he states that she should leave adult things to adults.

This also gives an “advantage”  to Asirpa in her discussion with Sugimoto, she’s already been through this once with Ogata, and she incorporates some of what he said and uses it back towards Sugimoto with her own conclusions. 

The way that Sugimoto argues with her is 100% what one would expect from him - he says “don’t kill.”  That is the end of my arguement.  Thank you.

Honestly, in 185, Ogata tried so much harder than Sugimoto does in 206 to convince her to give him the code.  Ogata tries to state that as a child (well teen) she doesn’t need to carry this burden.  Sugimoto states that the situation was arranged so that she would have no option but to conclude that she should fight.  His solution - don’t fight.  “Hey Asirpa,  you know what you should do?  Don’t fight.”

Sugimoto isn’t even listening to Asirpa.  With Ogata and Asirpa - the conversation was one-sided, Ogata tried all these different ways to get her to give him the code and she only talks back to him when he asks her why she didn’t let Sugimoto kill him and why the “idol of the Ainu” must remain pure.  Ogata got into some weird philosophical battle with himself facilated by Asirpa.

The conversation with Sugimoto is already going to play out differently - Asirpa called Sugimoto out - something that she couldn’t do with Ogata in part to the fact that she didn’t know exactly what he wanted from her, so she couldn’t argue back.

Ultimately, Sugimoto and Ogata interpreted Wilk’s intentions in completely different ways. 

Sugimoto sees Wilk’s intentions as flat out telling Asirpa that she must fight.  He trained her to be a leader and she will lead the guerria warfare against the Japanese and Russian governments for independence. 

Ogata instead, saw that Wilk set Asirpa up as a pure idol to lead the Ainu.  She would lead them into battle but she herself would not dirty her hands.  Ogata then wanted her to dirty her hands so that she could be like everyone else and lead the Ainu with realistic and dirty hands.  Ogata interestingly never brought up the idea of it being okay for Asirpa to fight.  I think he understood well enough what was at stake for the Ainu, he did align himself with Kiro so he likely didn’t just give him lipservice . . .

This ties back to the role of a father impacting the fate of a child.  What is interesting is that Ogata is upset b/c he’s the abandoned son of a man who made his “blessed son” stay pure while he had to get dirty.  It is clear that on some level even if he denies it, but Ogata was jealous of Yuusaku and Asirpa for being elevated to special places by their father while the rest of them were stuck in the literal trenches.  Ogata has made it clear he doesn’t care for the “elite” of any society or culture.

Sugimoto instead, is upset that Wilk just wants her to kill b/c that is what she was raised to do. He has not followed upon his Joan of Arc reference - will this pop up in the next chapter?  If so, it will increase the parallel between Sugimoto and Ogata.

This has me wondering if Sugimoto also has issues about being “abandoned” by the death of his father.  All that manga has revealed is that he burnt down the family house after he was informed of his father’s death of TB.  Is Sugimoto jealous of the fact that even though Asirpa no longer has her father he had a plan for her?  This still implies that he cares about her and her future as fucked up as his plan is for her. 

Right now, it feels like Ogata’s arguement versus Sugimoto’s arguement seems more well fleshed out and thought out.  However, we need to see if Sugimoto’s discussion will play out over 3 chapters as well.

187 ended with a stand off between the two of them here as shown at the beginning of 188 . ..

While 206 ends with this panel.

Will this lead to a standoff as well?  It is clear they are now on different sides of the issue of how to protect Ainu culture.  I would be shocked if Asirpa gives Sugimoto the code - right now everything indicates that she will also deny him the code.

Well either way we will have to wait a few weeks for the next new chapter!

[sargenthouse]

Earth Premiere "The Mandrake's Hymn" & Interview / Guitar.com

via guitar.com

Earth’s trajectory is not so much of an orbit as it is a deviation. For the past three decades, the only constant for the band headed by Dylan Carlson has been change – which is ironic for a group whose music relies heavily upon repetition.

Earth started out with ground-shaking seismic drone metal on 1993’s Earth 2, then took a left turn in 2005 into the arid West with the Morricone-inspired Hex; Or Printing In The Infernal Method. Almost a decade later, they ventured into meditative rock with Primitive And Deadly.

Now, the band have purged themselves of any embellishments, stripping instrumentation down to Carlson on guitar and bass and Adrienne Davies on drums and percussion. The upcoming record, Full Upon Her Burning Lips, is a lesson in austerity, and spotlights the duo’s sonic symbiosis.

Ahead of the release, we speak with Carlson about the record, his fascination with Telecaster pickups and his favourite collaborations thus far.

Dylan Carlson (left) and Adrienne Davies of Earth

The new album sees Earth stripped down to the core duo of you and Adrienne Davies. Can you shed more light on this decision?

Well, I’ve been playing with Adrienne for almost 20 years now, and on previous albums, I’ve been fortunate enough to play with a lot of amazing players, but I really wanted this album to focus on the two main members at this point. Just because we really haven’t done that since, probably, Hex; Or Printing In The Infernal Method.

I also felt like live drums have always been a big part of what Earth does, but that has never come across as fully on record. You know, because when you’re recording a bunch of different instruments, you need to leave room for stuff, and I always felt like the drums didn’t show the full potential that Adrienne’s capable of.

And then also, I’ve always sort of been the guy that holds everything down with my guitar and let a lot of other instruments carry the melodic work – whether it’s cello or keys or stuff like that. So I sort of wanted it to just be the two of us showing off the best of our abilities.

The previous records, they’ve all been very lush sounding and I wanted this one to be very present and dry, and upfront. Using the 70s style, you know, where I was running two amps for the basics and hard panning guitars left and right – the kind of stuff that you just don’t really hear any more on record.

Can you tell us a little more about the title Full Upon Her Burning Lips?

I’m always trying to find titles that I feel are numinous and open to multiple interpretations. Many of them, I don’t necessarily see and people tell me about them later. Like someone recently asked if [the title] was about the moon because of the “full upon” bit – which I hadn’t thought of.

I feel like music is a sensual and sensuous experience, so I wanted a title that could evoke that. Originally, the cover idea I had for Primitive And Deadly was going to be much sexier than it turned out. I was sort of on a Scorpions jag at the time [laughs]. I think a lot of music now is missing that element. There’s so much music that’s hyper-male. To me, Metallica is a perfect example – nothing in their music or lyrics reflect the idea that there’s a feminine principle to the universe. So, I guess that’s where it came from.

You mentioned in a statement that you like the “limiting of materials to force oneself to employ even more creatively”. How did that reflect in terms of guitar tone for this album?

For this one I basically used a limited number of effects. I used my live rig, which was like a compressor, an overdrive, a Uni-Vibe and a delay. I mean I used one other overdrive for some cleaner textures and an auto wah on one track, but I pretty much tried to limit it to just the pedals that I use live.

I tried to get the most out of them. For example, I’ve used the Uni-Vibe for a long time, but I’ve always just used the vibrato setting. I never thought the chorus was very useful, and then on this album, I figured out a bunch of really cool sounds with that setting. So that was fun to use in a different way than I normally do.

Image: Sean Stout

A lot of artists tend to compose instrumental music around tension and release. Is that an approach that you take as well?

I guess so, but I don’t know if it’s a conscious one. I feel like all songs should have some kind of arc – I call it a “narrative arc”. Although [with instrumental music] it’s very loose, as there’s obviously not any lyrics telling you what the story is. I sort of – in this very abstract sense – feel like songs and albums should still have a narrative arc. And I hope we convey that in the way that I put stuff together.

Again, it’s a sort of an abstract notion of a narrative, but you know, a song should start somewhere and then go somewhere, in some sort of rudimentary sense. I think that’s why, with instrumental music, the song titles become important. It’s the only way of conveying some kind of narrative with language.

I feel like music is a language in and of itself, and [communicates] in a different way. Music is simultaneously more immediate and more abstract in its meaning. With instrumental music, the audience is also participating in the creation of the meaning or the narrative or the imagery.

It’s not like songs with lyrics where it’s like “Oh my baby left me” or whatever. With instrumental music, it’s more challenging.

This album has a lot of minimalism and repetition. How do you make repetitions sound like progression to the listener?

With repetitive music especially, be it like the riff or the melody or whatever, it should be something that you want to hear again. So I think crafting really memorable riffs is key. They should be something that you want to hear again, and the riffs themselves should have some kind of arc to them as well – so that you’re getting mini arcs that build up to a bigger arc.

That’s one thing I’m constantly trying to do. When I come up with a riff it’s like “Oh, is this something like worth repeating?” There’s that thing that great riffs have where they make you want to hear them again. Whether they’re catchy or whatever, I feel like they should be strong enough – and interesting enough – that they bear repetition.

Image: Holly Carlson

Folklore is a major theme of this album, as it is with much of your work. What draws you to it?

To me, with the music I make, I want it to be timeless and feel like it’s always been there. Folklore has stories and knowledge that have been around forever, transcending cultures. I also feel like, especially with rock music – for lack of a better term – and American music, are all originally from folk sources. You know, blues, jazz, country, rock ’n’ roll – the music is not “high culture”. It’s not like classical music in that it wasn’t created by rich people for other rich people.

It’s popular music from the people, embedded in the salt of the earth, and it’s the same with folklore. It’s interesting and it’s numinous. It’s got a quality of timelessness, like something that’s always been there and that goes along with what I try to do hopefully musically.

Has your gear changed much over the years?

Yeah, I would say so. When I first came back to guitar playing, I hadn’t had a guitar for at least four years. So when I came back to guitar in 2001 or 2002, I was really into gear and was always buying petals. I guess you could call it GAS. But along the way, I realised that it didn’t really matter what I played, it was going to be me like regardless. And so I got a lot less gear-obsessed.

I like gear obviously – I mean, I love guitar – and I’ve found things that allow me to translate what’s in my head better, but I don’t feel like they’re necessary. I’m going to sound like me regardless of what I’m given. I think a lot of people are always looking for that “magic box” or this amp or that amp. At the end of the day, it’s you, you know?

The gear I do get now, I get it because I like how it sounds – which is the most important thing – and then whether it’s functional and helps me with touring. Number one is the sound and number two is functionality and whether it makes my life easier. Those are sort of two of my guiding principles.

Right now I play my live rig which I’m very happy with because I discovered these Trace Elliot Elfs, 200-watt heads that weigh like a pound – I’ve got two of those. And then one has a 1×12 Dietz cab, which I love. The Jesus Lizard guys use them, and Buzz [Osborne] has one. I didn’t know about them before, I was just in Austin and I needed a cab. Yeah, it weighs a shit-tonne, but that’s the only downside to it. It’s got wheels, but it’s a little monster. Then for the other one, I have a 1×12 Mesa cab that’s semi-open.

And then I recorded the album with and did my solo tour with a Burman – it’s a British amp from the early 70s. They were a company out of Newcastle and they basically built these 100-watt power amps called the “Slaves” which ran for either KT66s or EL34s – mine’s got EL34s – and then they did various preamp modules. So they were kind of ahead of the curve, in a certain way.

Image: Sean Stout

You’ve obviously played a lot of guitars over the years. Do you have any favourites?

Yeah, my favourite guitar is the one my wife Holly bought. It has an alder Strat body, and then we had our friend, this artist Jason Borders, carve and stain it. It has no finish. It’s got a Fender neck, the classic player one, with a 12-inch radius pau ferro fretboard, and then I’ve got a brass tremolo. I love brass, I’ve had brass on pretty much all of my guitars that I can. This guitar’s also got a brass bridge and a brass nut.

And then I’ve been running a DiMarzio Fast Track Tele bridge pickup, DiMarzio Cruiser in the middle position, and a DiMarzio Air Classic in the neck. I’m a big DiMarzio fanboy, as you can tell [laughs].

Oh, and this guitar has a little thing called the StratoBlaster which was made by Alembic. It’s a little boost switch – I have mine set for about plus 7- or 8dB, but you can go all the way to 14dB. That’s nice if you want a little bit of oomph.

I have a Tele, it was one of the Roadworn ones which I guess came out in the mid-2000s. That’s got a DiMarzio Tone Zone Tele bridge and a Seymour Duncan Little ‘59 in the neck.

In Europe, I have two guitars that live in a warehouse. I have an Epiphone SG. That one’s got a DiMarzio Tone Zone Tele bridge pickup and a Super Distortion in the neck. I was in a big Jerry Garcia phase then so I got a OBEL (or On-Board Effects Loop) on it, although I very rarely used it [laughs]. And the other’s an Epiphone Explorer that has a DiMarzio Super Distortion Tele bridge pickup. I basically put Tele Bridge pickups in all my guitars.

Some of my guitars have names. Like my favourite one – the Strat or Hollycaster – I call “The Fox”. Tele is “The Cat” and the SG is “The Goddess” because it has a big sticker of Tara Guanyin on it.

Image: Sean Stout

Do you achieve noise through the amps?

I use a lot of gain. Well, maybe not a lot of gain but I push the amps with the compressor and overdrive. With the 200-watt headroom, you’re not going to make it break up, so the tone is really a combination of pickups, overdrive and my hands. It’s not the amp. Same with the Burman – it’s a 100-watt – so the headroom’s massive.

If I’m playing a smaller tube amp, like when I had a 50-watt Plexi for a while, I didn’t use overdrive. I just hit the front end hard with the compressor. That was still like, loud as fuck. Over the years, I’ve come to understand headroom and the fact that no one really needs anything more than 50 watts. Even that is overkill, really, for most venues. Back in Earth 2 days, when I didn’t know any better, and I was young and could lug a shit-tonne of gear, it was like, “Oh yeah, let’s have, all this ridiculous amount of equipment!”. Back then most soundmen didn’t even bother mic-ing us, you know? Now I understand to let the PA do the heavy lifting.

I understand we all grew up on the cool pictures of [Jimi] Hendrix in front of a wall of Marshalls. But there were no PAs and they were playing outdoors half the time. Of course, you need like 25 Marshalls or whatever! It was a different time, with a 100-watt head now you’re never going to get to that sweet spot at a volume that’s not going to kill people.

Let’s talk about collaborations for just a second. What would you say has been your best experience so far?

Well, I love working with Kevin [Martin, aka The Bug]. It’s a whole different world than the one I am used to inhabiting. So it’s very fun for me in that way because I just get to be the guitar player and be creative.

I also love Emma [Ruth Rundle]. I think she’s an amazing musician and a wonderful human being, so that was enjoyable. And with Maddy Prior, that was super because obviously I was really into English folk. Yeah, so getting to meet an OG [laughs] and she was a lovely, lovely woman and really easy to work with. She had written a song and asked me to play guitar on it and I got to just come in and do it.

They’re all incredibly talented and really lovely people, so they’ve all been a real pleasure to work with.

What was recording Concrete Desert like? Would you do something like that again?

Yeah, I’ve been talking to Kevin about it! [Concrete Desert] was our very first collaboration, and he basically sent me the tracks and I played guitar and sent them back. So we actually hadn’t even met in person at that point. I actually just ran into him in on the street in Krakow because we were both playing the same festival.

Then Ninja Tune wanted us to play this anniversary party in LA together, and he had this material and was like, “Hey, why don’t we do this again?” and we were actually in the studio together for a couple days. I mean, he’d already generated much of the material but then after I put my guitar on, he went back and changed it a bunch. He told me he got new ideas from the guitar parts and kinda tweaked it.

But yeah, hopefully the next time we work together we can do it with both of us in the studio, building stuff from the ground up. I don’t know when that’ll happen, but we definitely want to do something together again.

Are there any other guitarists you feel are pushing the instrument to the bleeding edge?

I think Oren Ambarchi is pretty amazing. There’s probably some guys I’m not aware of, but I know Oren and think he’s a pretty good dude. I’m a rock dude and like the fact that he still manages to inject rock into [his music] in some weird way, like with that album he did with the Ace Frehley cover, for example. I think he’s got a lot of swagger to it that others don’t have.

The Rig

Main Guitar: The Fox aka Hollycaster (see above for details)

Amp: Live – 2 x Trace Elliot ‘Elf’ heads (200w solid state) each with 1×12 cab (a Dietz and a Mesa). Recording – Early 70s Burman (100w power amp w/ EL-34s) and a pre-amp module and a DV Mark Micro 50 (50w solid state)

Effects: MXR Custom Comp, MXR Shin-juku Drive, Dunlop Uni-Vibe chorus/vibrato, Dunlop Echoplex Delay, Korg Pitchblack tuner (1st version)

Strings/Accessories: Dunlop Performance Plus Nickel .09-.42, Dunlop Primetone 3mm picks and various other Dunlop picks all around 2mm

Full Upon Her Burning Lips is out 24 May. More information at thronesanddominions.com.

[iztarshi]

The Boy Princess

An analysis of Saionji that Saionji himself would hate. Collected into one post at the request of an anon.

Once upon a time all the girls of the world were princesses. But what does that mean?

Princesses are saved by princes. Princesses are cherished, not for any particular qualities they have, but by their nature1. A princess’ suffering is never met with indifference and they’re allowed to want someone else to solve their problems. They’re allowed to be passive and dependent, but not allowed to stop being those things. And they are devoted to their prince.

Once upon a time Saionji had a friend he thought the world of. Touga was stronger, smarter, braver, always ahead of him in some indefineable way, and none of this was a reason to feel anything but glad that Touga had singled him out for attention. Then, one stormy night, he was suddenly faced with the awareness of fear and despair, with things people might need saving from, things that could make a child younger than him want to die. Also, with the awareness that Touga had already known, that he could face these things without fear2.

Saionji’s distress, though, doesn’t matter. Touga declares himself an ally to all girls, but his best friend calling out for him to stop doesn’t affect him. It’s with the logic of a child in the throes of hero worship that Saionji concludes that Touga had something eternal to show and showed it to a strange girl rather than him. He’s not wrong, though, to think that Touga wants to save, specifically, girls.

Before that Saionji trusted Touga enough that Touga being stronger and more driven didn’t matter. If Touga accidentally hurt him he would bandage him too. Touga might keep them out late, but he’d be the one to get them home3.

Afterwards, he loses that trust. Whatever Touga gains by being stronger will not be shared with Saionji. Saionji cannot be weak and still be worth something.

As a boy, if he wants to matter to Touga, he has to be his equal.

Saionji’s career as a duelist is ignominious from start to finish. He’s trying to be a stoic warrior type4, which – since he’s a very emotional person – results in vaccillating between anger and vicious glee.

Being equal to Touga is now necessary to even be safe around him. Saionji isn’t, so he isn’t, and even his scrambling to gain equality has become something for Touga to use against him. The first time we see them alone together Saionji whips a sword at Touga’s face and Touga doesn’t even flinch. No matter how often Saionji takes his frustration with Touga out on others, Touga’s the one person he would never willingly hurt, and Touga knows it.

The person Saionji mostly hurts is Anthy, who he’s convinced himself that he loves. She’s everything he thinks he ought to want, and Touga wants her enough to duel for her which makes her irresistible. He tries to convince himself she loves him, too, but never quite manages to forget she’s only with him because he owns her.

Saionji’s duels are “friendship” and “choice” in opposition to Touga’s duels of “self” and “conviction”. The qualities he’s trying to act on, though, are Touga’s not his own. The result is that he doesn’t successfully show any. He craves emotional connection but is, for good reason, widely disliked. Yet his sense of who he is alone is muddled at best. He stubbornly sticks to the duels but has no plan for how to accomplish things within them and winds up manipulated by anyone who offers him an opportunity – whether it’s dubious letters or Mikage bargaining for Wakaba’s hairclip.

Saionji’s final duel isn’t the conclusion of his character arc, but his lowest point. In an arc where the duels are based around relationships he enters the arena alone and “his” duel is really Utena and Anthy’s5.

Touga talks him into the duel, a role which will later be the bride’s, but leaves him to fight it alone6. As the only one who doesn’t have his sword, Saionji’s heart is quite literally not in the duel.

Saionji enters the last duel as a lone warrior who lets nothing stand in his way, especially such petty considerations as decency or feelings, and is promptly flattened by the developing relationship between Utena and Anthy.

Finally Saionji has failed hard enough for it to stick. He accepts that he’s done. He won’t be Touga’s equal, he won’t win Anthy, he won’t gain eternity. But what will he do?

The woods in a fairy tale are always a liminal place. Even more so woods where an unwanted "child" has been abandoned. So it's fitting that Nanami stumbles across Saionji in a state of transition from duelist to outsider.

In a series where clothing and gender presentation are important, Saionji has decided to do some cooking in a frilly apron7. There's even a lacey table cloth under his hot plate. A lot of anger seems to have been shed with the role of duelist and, even though Nanami hits him, he seems mostly confused and worried about her. He even offers to cook her an egg.

While he keeps the slightly ambiguous presentation for camping out where he doesn't expect to be seen, Saionji does start taking on a role similar to Utena's early one as Touga draws him back into the duels. Utena never cared about the power to revolutionise the world. While it's not entirely that straightforward, she's been fighting for Anthy. As a result she's often been snarky as hell about it, able to see through some of the bullshit but not avoid it completely. A female prince, and therefore anomalous to Ohtori's systems, but still a prince, and therefore part of them.

Touga and Saionji also can't move outside Ohtori's systems. They meet on the student council balcony to discuss Touga's upcoming duel and letters from Ends of the World. Touga provides an ersatz car ride with his motorbike, following the pattern of the other duels deliberately. But, like Utena, Saionji now has enough distance to question the system even as he participates, and he's here solely for Touga's sake.

Like the other brides, Saionji is there to delve into his duelist's feelings and motivations, but he's not doing it to tempt or manipulate8. Touga needs to understand his own motivation if he's going to be effective -- it's the less metaphorical counterpart to pulling his sword. And they manage to leave Akio out of the process.

Touga takes Saionji more seriously in this role than he ever did as a rival. Feelings, especially his own feelings, are not Touga's area of expertise. He needs a bride by the nature of the duels and he needs a friend because he's in over his head. Saionji, for his part, seems content with being needed rather than being equal. In a way it's what he's always wanted.

Saionji drawing Touga's sword is animated with a real tenderness that both echoes Anthy drawing Utena's and contrasts Saionji drawing Anthy's, where his expression was angry and his focus on his opponent. It's fitting, in a way, that the pair that comes closest to what Utena and Anthy have is the other same sex couple9.

Saionji makes a good princess in the same way Utena makes a good prince -- although, unlike her, he'd certainly object if you told him that's what the role was. He's comfortable in it and it brings out mostly good things in him, letting him be insightful and supportive. It's a bad role in itself, though. Saionji doesn't need to fight for power over others, but he shouldn't let himself be completely passive and dependant, or rely on other people's goals to give him purpose.

Later, between Utena's victory over them and her final duel, we see Touga riding a bike across the balcony with Saionji on the back. Saionji seems more content with this than Touga, totally relaxed while Touga struggles to move forward providing motive force for them both. There's not much Saionji can do, though, even if he wanted to. Touga's bike has never been a tandem.

Maybe they should get one.

1I just pictured Dios on tumblr telling all the girls of the world they’re valid.

2Touga’s abuse backstory does a lot to explain his unchildlike reaction here. But even without that, Touga canonically shows less emotion when distressed until he dissociates altogether. He’s almost certainly more affected than Saionji thinks.

3Who drives is very important in Utena, and it’s Touga’s bike. Nanami has a picture of herself perched on the back, too.

4Only Utena and Touga frame themselves as aspiring princes. Saionji’s gender essentialism has a more Japanese flavour.

5Which is why Virtual Star Embryology becomes the new ending theme.

6And then complains about everything he did to be Saionji’s friend while in bed with Akio. Jerk.

7He's still wearing his student council uniform underneath, though, so he hasn't totally moved on yet.

8Although he probably gets some satisfaction out of brutal honesty.

9I wonder if this explains Ruka, since Juri and Shiori would have been another same sex couple either less effective or too early in the sequence.

[lonelypond]

2025: Breakout

Love Live, NicoMaki, 5.3K, 1/?

Summary: Super Idol and Closely Held Government Secret Yazawa Nico's been back from her tour, but she and Tokyo's top robotics expert, Nishikino Maki, have been at odds, unable to just pick up their relationship. And even if they can, how can they make a future work in a Tokyo that wants to limit their choices. Sequel to 2024.

A/N: Giving myself a Lunar New Year present a day early and posting this as a challenge. I rough drafted this chunk a year ago maybe and I kept tossing between potential story arcs and stalled. However, this is one of my favorite AU's so I'm giving myself a nudge. Any chapters to follow may or may not follow a linear timeline. Apparently I’ve missed juggling multiple AUs. Enjoy!

Also, thanks again to the Love Live Wikia for song translations. And may the Year Of The Pig bring you health, prosperity, and happiness. Thanks for all your support.

Chapter One

"Ebbing and rising,

The waves of my heart wash me away The strength to desire something this much Is the passionate Reason in my chest

That's strange; I'm feeling fervent! Once you've taken the first step, you've gotta run Has everyone gone through this? Everything starts to pick up; Ah, I can't stop

I think I want to give those things a try; I'll walk forwards while counting them"

And that’s Love Arrow with "Yuuki No Reason". Winter is winding down with a bit too much gray for our liking, but the next Tunnel Rave theme is Neon Night. Password is “first step.” Text it to the number you know for the location. And we’ll also be hosting a virtual dance floor for those of you who can’t make it out. Diamond Princess has banned Nico Ni songs but send us your requests for anything else that hits the target for you. And Ballet Twist has some advice about which toys to avoid when you hit the virtual dance floor.

FALLING INTO HER EYES

Five times in the past month. Professor Nishikino Maki couldn’t seem to avoid events that the Number One Idol in Japan aka that demon doll, Nico Ni was scheduled to perform at. She couldn’t blame either Nico or her mother. Nico had barely returned from her tour of the North of Japan, released a new single with a new sound and a burst of popularity, pleasing her government minders. Tonight was the fifth event, an unveiling of a new Robotics lab at a small company Maki often consulted with. Maki wondered if the Air Special Defense Forces did too, but the robot she’d examined the night she’d uncovered Nico Ni’s double life was the only one of its kind she’d heard of. And Eli had put discreet questions out but received no answers. Maki was having no success growing her own organoid brain, even at a small size.

Maki had decided casual was the ticket for tonight so tailored black trousers, her N-Zan, grey button down shirt, loose white tie, black vest. She and Nico had tried meeting for a meal -- pizza -- in a dive near Muse, when Nico had first returned to Tokyo, but it had been an awkward encounter, neither of them sure what they could safely discuss in public. It had also ended awkwardly, a quick kiss and a promise to meet again when their schedules cleared.

Which didn’t suit Maki at all. No 1 Idol and the rest of the Idol Fools had been painting regularly, but Maki had noticed an increase in curfew drones and police foot patrols in areas that had been hit by them. Which worried her.

Maki entered through a few photographers and reporters, nodding in their direction, but neither answering questions or smiling, as they expected. Next would be the colleagues excited by her latest breakthroughs in electrical transfer from skin photocells. Batteries for emergency only would leave more room for processing power. She and Eli had been working on a breakthrough for two years, but after seeing what was possible with organic brains, Maki had to fake her excitement. But it had led to her contract being renewed, a budget increase and the possibility of hiring another grad student, although the department had pushed her to hire one of the younger male grad students, preferably a married one. That had been the theme of Nico Ni’s last song, a slow, pulsing number, the joys of newlyweds under the cherry blossoms, which had led to Nico performing at every wedding Maki had been invited to recently. The wealthier families being able to hire the crazy popular Idol made both marriage and wealth seem more exciting to everyone looking on through their personal devices. Maki was really quite fed up with both wealth and marriage, although she did appreciate that her money made much of what Soldier Game did possible as she had provided the seed money for Eli’s investment portfolio.

Inside, someone had draped black fabric everywhere, lights shimmering against the folds, highlighting the textures. Seemed gloomy, but maybe that was just Maki’s mood. At least there would be dark corners and Maki could hide there. She grabbed a bottled seltzer water and slunk into the corner she’d decided on. Wait for the music to start, give it a few minutes, then find the founder, shake his hand and express her reluctant need to get back to her lab. It was a great plan. Maki had spent at least an hour going through the steps in her mind, including the slight nod when the demonic black eyes of Nico Ni glanced in her direction. As if she didn’t know her, as if she thought the eyes were actually black, as if she hadn’t been dreaming every night about…

Nope. That was a trap. Take a sip of water. Focus. Ignore everything below eye level. Until they simper.

“So the brilliant Professor can’t stop stalking the great Nico Ni?” Nico’s voice sounded even peakier than usual.

Maki took a long moment and looked down her nose at the singer, taken aback by a Nico shaped hole under a lace cage of deep blue lights. It was disconcerting, she heard Nico’s voice, but as her eyes struggled to find definition in Nico’s face, she could only sweep the contours and as her line of sight followed the line of Nico’s body down, and she was pretty sure some of the curves were padded, but there was nothing but depth. Maki shivered, a hand instinctively reaching out but as she connected with the light cage, Nico Ni hopped back, “No touching, Professor. You’ll break the illusion.”

“Sorry,” Maki grunted, pushing her hand into the wall behind her to contact something solid, her eyes still futilely attempting to make sense of Nico’s lips and nose, lost in the darkest black she’d ever seen.

There was silence, a hole between them as black and deep as whatever was obscuring every detail of Nico’s appearance. Nico fell back into character, leaning forward toward Maki, what might be an arm sweeping her finger to her lips, her voice a coquettish giggle, “Don’t tell anyone, but Nico Ni is debuting a new song later. About pretty girls.” Maki was glad she couldn’t see the wink. That was her cue to accuse Nico Ni of being simplistic or untalented or invasive. Her cue for disdain and disinterest. They’d done this same exchange too often recently and Maki didn’t have the drive for another round.

“I’m sure I’ll enjoy the performance.” Maki shrugged and went in search of the founder.

Nico frowned, startled out of character for a breath as she watched the redhead get further and farther away. “No fight left?” Nico muttered, uncertain. Then with a smile obscured by designed darkness, she swept back into the crowd, every awed comment, every intake of breath, every ‘Nico Ni’ shouted greeting fueling her for the upcoming performance. No time for worry.

Maki had left halfway through Nico Ni’s performance and headed to the dojo. She and Umi were trying to build an light array based on specs Hanayo had given them. Umi was also working a program to mimic the abilities and reactions of the organoid brain. Maki calculated that if they could find the right pattern, seizures could be triggered in the A-RIse bots, similar to how patterns effected epileptics. It would be a strategy to use against them, if necessary. Eli was working on sourcing parts for a Taser sized EMP device that could trigger a robot shutdown. Nico would probably refuse if Maki asked to borrow one to test it on. But that didn’t mean Maki wasn’t going to work from the data they’d gotten. Maki guessed Nico and the rest of the Idol Fools would let their paint cans idle tonight. It would probably take Nico far too long to get the body paint off to make any other activity practical.

Maki pulled up the main screen and did an automatic check for Soldier Game mentions and #sgame on TWIG. The social media chatter had been dropping; the government had had a bunch of bots pushing Nico Ni’s latest single and spreading the rumor that Soldier Game were government agents. Attendance at the last rave had dropped and Nozomi had passed a rumor on to Eli that there might be a raid at the next one.

Maki sighed and hearted the latest IdolFools image. They needed to talk about a way to pushback. Eli had started taking advice from Nozomi, but she thought they needed to be public figures, something not even Eli agreed with. And Umi was preparing for a trip to see Alisa. Maki was the only person lacking advice from someone significant in her life.

Her phone buzzed? She looked down. The encrypted weather app. A change in the Kyoto forecast. That meant Nico.

N: Where are you?

M: Working.

N: Nico is at your place. And you only have pizza. （●≧艸≦

M: Why are you at my place?

N: TO SEE YOU (ღ꒡ ᵌ꒡)⋆﹡♡⃛*⁎⋆(꒡ᵋ ꒡ღ)

M: I’ll be there in 10 minutes. Stay put.

N: ┗(^o^　)┓三

Maki pulled her hat down and tossed on a dark hoodie. Back into the tunnels. To see Nico. Her stomach fluttered a little as her pulse picked up. She hoped Nico had gotten out of that nightmare makeup. She had enough bad memories of the Idol’s ‘demon doll’ side.

Maki was surprised to find Nico calmly on her couch, wearing baggy cargo pants and an over sized sweatshirt. Her face had been scrubbed clean, but there were disconcerting slashes of dark on her neck that Maki kept staring at.

“You need to upgrade your makeup removal stash. Nico will give you a list.” Nico put down the book...one of Maki’s recent organic robotics purchases and leaned back, “Hey, genius.”

“I have a name.” Maki snapped.

“Professor Nishikino.”

Maki sighed and fell into the couch, “I missed you too, Lt. Colonel.”

Nico’s head was suddenly in Maki’s lap, Nico’s eyes literally holes in her head. Maki didn’t scream, that was a plus, although she did nearly bite through her lip.“Please, Nico-chan, take out your contacts.” Maki tried not to shiver, but Nico caught the movement away from her and bounced up immediately.

“Do you have anything that isn’t pizza?” Nico complained as she hurried into the half bath. Maki took a container out of her kangaroo pocket, “I picked you up some kind of rice dish from a street vendor.”

Nico leapt over the couch, kissed Maki and grabbed the box, “You are so worth it.”

“Worth what?” Maki kept staring at the paint slashes, which moved as Nico swallowed. Eerie.

“Sneaking out after curfew, fraternizing with enemies of the state, risking my career,” Nico turned, mid chew and winked, “And my heart.”

“You have one?” Maki doubled down on snarky and wished she hadn’t. This was a real chance to talk to, to be with Nico and here she was, back to blowing it. Nico raised an eyebrow and Maki saw another slash of dark under it. This looked like Nico had a tiny hole in her head. Tonight was a winner in the least favorite Nico Ni costume derby. “I’ll wait while you get out your stethoscope, Doc.” Nico waved her chopsticks toward Maki’s lab.

“I’m sorry.” Maki slid a little closer to Nico, “How’s the recovery from the A-Tak?”

“Nico hasn’t fallen in” Nico counted off something with the chopsticks, “Three weeks.”

Maki nodded, a little closer, her arm on the couch behind Nico. She watched as Nico picked up every last bit of rice and then neatly placed box and utensils on the table. Then Nico turned, “You look even better than I remember.”

So did Nico. Lips thankfully free of black paint, crimson eyes a mysterious, welcoming warmth. Maki could feel Nico so vividly, where her arm rested near the Idol’s back. Maki was 1000% sure there were important topics to discuss and lines to draw, but Nico wasn’t moving away and Maki just wanted to charge forward into a kiss. Touching Nico’s lips was a jolt, the first time Maki had been overwhelmed by the sensations that exploded, but this time woven into an even greater crash of sensations was the memories, the touches, the thrusts, the skin against skin contact that made every flinch, every twitch a wave. And Nico was moaning yes, and Maki barely heard a zipper through the cacophony in her ears and Nico was encouraging Maki to lift off her sweatshirt, then Maki’s lips were sliding down Nico’s tensing abdomen, her hands stroking up the dancer’s muscles that had always fascinated her, Nico crying Maki’s name and Maki suddenly desperately hungry for a new taste.

###

Couch again, Maki thought as she pulled Nico closer, before the blanket slipped off both of them. Not that Maki would have minded the view, but...not letting go of Nico while creating a warm space for snuggling seemed to be a higher priority to her instinctive reactions. Nico yawned and pecked a kiss on Maki’s cheek.

“Hey,” Nico wondered sleepily, “Where were you? The university’s further away than 10 minutes.”

“Top secret.” Maki murmured into Nico’s hair, “No one knows.”

Nico flipped so she was lying on top of Maki, her eyes full of the impish glee that had charmed Maki through the computer screen, “I can find it.”

“Ha!” Maki shook her head. Nico pressed her lips together, dragged an extremely distracting hand along Maki’s ribs and dropped her head to whisper, “Bet I can” into Maki’s ear, triggering shivers.

“No.” Maki managed to get out.

“No?” Nico pulled back, quirking an eyebrow.

“Won’t find it….” Maki was finding hard to get words out as Nico’s hands ranged lower, taking their time over her curves.

Maki kicked the blanket off and Nico laughed, “Getting hot?”Nico hovered over Maki’s lips, barely brushing kisses against them. WIth a moan, Maki wrapped her arms around Nico, forcing the Idol even closer.

“I think that’s a yes,” Nico whispered as her hand skimmed over Maki’s breasts and Maki gasped, nodding, her legs hooking around Nico’s as momentum took more than the blanket to the floor.

###

Nico and Maki were sitting, backs against the couch, pizza shared between them, blanket wrapped around them, speakers playing jazz.

“How’s the Soldier Game business?” Nico popped the tab on a cold coffee.

Maki frowned, finishing her slice of pizza, “Not as much traffic; government spreading rumors that we’re government agents. We’re trying to figure out a strategy to ‘retake a defensible position, ‘to quote Umi.”

“Give the people what they want.” Nico stated simply.

Maki turned, ignoring the blanket that fell off her shoulder, enjoying Nico’s inability not to stare, “And what do the people want?”

Nico’s finger traced a gentle line across Maki’s nearest shoulder, tapping lightly up her neck, “The people want sexy.”

“Sexy? But we’re anonymous…” Maki looked confused.

“So? You don’t need pictures. Music can be sexy. Haven’t you heard Nico’s latest?” Nico stared at Maki for a long moment and when no response was given, she shrugged and continued, “Nico will forgive you. It’s capital S, triple XXX, kiss the girl hard, SeXXXy. Kind winds don’t really blow the clothes off girls.”

Maki had recovered and her eyebrow went to war, raising archly to eloquently express doubt, “I don’t see yours.”

Nico roared with laughter, then kissed Maki hard enough to scramble Maki’s next thought, which was fine with Nico, “See, sexxxy. Spice up your music. Give the cute girls what they want.”

Maki growled, as she moved into Nico, “And what do you want?”

“There’s the sexy,” Nico bopped Maki on the nose, causing the redhead to sit up,”Growl like a...panther, prowl...visualize.” Nico gestured at herself, then slid the blanket off her shoulder, “You don’t get to see this much of the Number One Idol in the universe without some game.”

Nico was giggling. Maki sighed and leaned back.

“What’s wrong?”

“You have no sense of mood.”

“Nico Ni knows mood.”

“Nico Ni knows nothing.”

Nico pulled Maki in, kissing her so long and with so much weight that the redhead was breathless and panting and leaning forward for more, “Nico knows Maki will remember this.”

Maki didn’t want to let Nico win, while at the same time desperately wanting Nico’s kiss. Nico took advantage of her internal argument to once again advance, her caresses expertly deployed to melt Maki into a shivering mess.

“...want...No 1….Lt….Col...Yaza...you...,” Maki managed to get out amid mostly animal noises.

Nico’s laugh was a cold contrast to the warmth her hands were driving straight through Maki’s legs, “I bet I can have you singing my latest song. I know you listened to it.”And all senses surrendered before Lt. Colonel Yazawa’s bold sweeps. No treaties were signed.

THE MORNING AFTER

Fortunately, Maki did not have an 8 am class scheduled so sleeping in after Nico left at dawn was not a problem. There was a department meeting at 3 so Maki headed in early to clear out her email and prepare. A woman, dressed in more business like attire than the usual student wear, was pacing outside her office.

“Hello?” Maki greeted her visitor.

“Doctor Nishikino?” The woman’s voice had a lovely, musical lilt but everything else about her screamed razor sharp professional edge.

“Can I help you?” Maki tapped out her passcode, puzzled.

“Did you receive Doctor Amago’s message?”

Maki shrugged, “I had family business this morning and haven’t checked anything.”

The woman shook her head and followed Maki into her office, uninvited. Maki sat behind her desk, typed in her password and waited.

“If you had read Dr. Amago’s message, you would have expected me.’

“I am sorry if my being unprepared is causing a delay in your day.” Maki bowed her head slightly, monitoring the tone of her voice closely, “Can we reschedule for another time?”

The woman shook her head, still standing. “I am Inoue Kiku, departmental assistant for media relations.”

Maki realized the woman frowning at her was her link to the media, the Ms. Inoue who passed on all the requests for interviews.

“Dr. Amago has asked me to pass on a directive that the government had given to him.” Inoue linked her hands behind her back, light eyes boring into Maki’s. “For such a high profile department, working so closely with military suppliers, the government requests that you hire an assistant who is both male and married.”

“W...what...why?” Maki half rose from her chair, hands clenching.

“While we acknowledge that Ayase-san’s work has met the requirements of the position, we feel that two women at the head of our premier robotics efforts sends the wrong message.”

Maki stood, hands shoved into her desk to channel some of the flaring rage she felt, but any comments she thought crashed into her faltering mental filter so she just stared into Inoue’s expressionless eyes, mouth slightly open.

“Ayase-san will be moved to another, less visible department.” Inoue stated.

Maki shook herself, “I am not firing my assistant and replacing her with a random male. Does the university demand any level of talent or skill or experience of this imaginary male?

Inoue didn’t back down, even as Maki’s voice gathered force, “The government representative I spoke to was not concerned about that. We would pre…:

Maki inhaled and drew herself up, briskly cutting off Inoue, “I don’t care. I am not replacing Ayase-san. Her work is excellent. Please inform Dr. Amago of my decision. Should another research assistant slot open up, I will certainly consider his advice, but my main concern is the quality of the work being done. That will not change.”

“Your status does not make your position more secure, Dr. Nishikino.”

“Thank you for sharing your belief, Inoue-san. Please leave my office. I need to catch up on my correspondence.”

Inoue shut the door behind her and Maki fell back into her chair, all the post night with Nico jaunty replaced with worry for Eli and frustration with a government that had decided, once again, to put women in secondary positions. Eli’s partial Russian heritage heightened the probability that the department would not stop pushing until they’d found a way to replace her with a ‘definitive picture of traditional Japan.” Maki needed to install a speed bag here as well, especially if the government was planning to use her to further its agenda. How did Nico manage? Maki closed her laptop. Quick walk was a better use of her pre meeting time. She didn’t really want to think about the choices Nico made daily and the message Nico was promoting. Maki had been able to float a little above the fray, buffered by circumstances and money, but now she could feel the ground shift, about to tilt her into the messy middle of the fight.

###

Nico entered the offices. Sergeant Takeda saluted, “He wants to see you.”

Nico nodded, stepping quickly into Komura’s office.

“Yazawa.” Komura was sorting through papers.“Sir?”

“Phase Three is approaching and we are being ordered to develop new public outreach strategies. There’s a meeting in two hours with the rest of the team. Your “find a new songwriter” suggestion was a big success and a commendation has been posted in your file, but I want at least three more usable ideas from you.” Komura met Nico’s eyes, grim, “There are elements pushing back and we need to counter their efforts.”

Soldier Game, Nico thought to herself, and Maki had insisted that their numbers were lacking, but Nico couldn’t think of anyone else out there pushing counter propaganda. Well, the Idol Fools, but...

“Is there anything in particular going on, sir?” Nico was surprised that she asked, and recovered, “so I know where are our efforts are weak?”

Komura stood, clapping Nico on the shoulder, “You’re a loyal airman, Yazawa. I respect that.” He sighed, “Mostly foreign influences, celebrity postings on TWIG, a podcast and a few Japanese artists, some of whom are anonymous. We’ll be discrediting the public figures, but we need some high voltage celebrity presence ourselves.”

Nico nodded, good soldier Nico time. A strategy to boost Nico Ni’s image had flashed in her mind immediately, but she wasn’t going to enjoy it and she was willing to bet a certain temperamental roboticist would hate it.

“I’m on it, sir.”

“Good. Two hours, Yazawa, use them well.”

Nico saluted, thoughts pinballing between opposite worlds and incompatible needs.

INTERLUDE

Eli was always surprised at how quickly Muse had become a second home and how comfortable she had gotten with Nozomi. It was still disconcerting when Nozomi would fix Eli with an intense stare and insist Eli pull a card from her Tarot deck. The last had been a Two of Rods, with Nozomi insisting that Eli was preparing for a journey, to which Eli’s reply had been that she’d pulled Umi’s fortune by accident. And had then sat through a lecture on how the cards did not tell fortunes, they provided guidance. Considering how Nozomi’s turquoise eyes had twinkled and Eli’s reward after, Eli was willing to learn more about Tarot any time Nozomi was willing. Eli was willing to learn more about anything any time Nozomi was willing.

They were upstairs, in Nozomi’s room, jammed between the Idol Fools workspace and Kotori’s fabric and clothing storage. Eli was lounging on the bed in a open shirt while Nozomi puttered in the kitchen, making tea, in a sarong and bra.

“Is there always this chemical smell?” Eli wondered.

“Sorry. I’ll open a window. They must be trying a new paint formula. They mask the profile with smells the drones won’t track, mostly spices.”

“So that’s why I get a curry craving whenever Honoka and Rin hug me.” Eli yawned and laid back.

Nozomi giggled, “What kind of tea do you want?”

“You.” Eli propped herself up on an elbow, her best come-hither grin aimed right at Nozomi.

Nozomi shook her head, “Chamomile it is.” After pouring water into the kettle, she sat on the side of the bed, taking one of Eli’s hands in hers, “I need to talk to you, Eli-chi.”

Eli immediately pulled Nozomi in for a hug, worry replacing any other thoughts, “What’s wrong?”

“Honoka and Rin found three more teens who were kicked out by their families.” Nozomi said, softly, her head pressed into Eli’s shoulders as the blonde tightened her hold, “We’ve almost got a safe place set up for them, but we need a little more help…”

“What do you need?” Eli’s organizational skills readied to receive a list

“Money, food, clothes….They had the clothes on their back and two kept their phones.”

Eli kissed the top of Nozomi’s head, blue eyes earnest, “I don’t have much, but I’ll talk to Maki.”

Nozomi shook her head, “No, Eli-chi, what they need is Soldier Game. We need to reach out to as many people as we can. We’re going to need more safe spaces and to tell people how to find them.”

Of course, Soldier Game. Eli blushed a little, embarrassed at her misunderstanding of Nozomi’s intent. Nozomi tilted her head, watching as Eli looked shyly away and took the blonde’s hand again, “You are a wonder, Eli-chi. You care and do so much. It’s what I love most about you.”

Eli raised her head, amazed as she heard Nozomi’s words repeat in her head. And then before she could stutter out a response, Nozomi’s lips reinforced the message they’d just breathed out.

###

"Flow like the waves until dawn breaks My feelings swirl more violently than usual And I feel as though I could fall apart completely

Should I sleep? The moon eventually grows light A gentle dream falls upon my chest

With this clichéd sadness and clichéd pain, I barely hold back tears and watch the stars They shine brighter than usual, and seem to fall As they quietly illuminate me…"

Greetings! That was our newest song "Arifureta Kanashimi no Hate". Ballet Twist here wishing you gentle dreams. But some of us are facing rather harsh realities and so we’re here tonight with a request from the IdolFools and new friend CupQueen, who are finding safe spaces for those turned out and turned against by families, landlords and friends. Next tunnel rave, three days from now, please bring an item that would get you through a dark night. We have to help each other. Code word is star watching; you’ll get the usual text. And watch the clubs for a Minalisky appearance; Love Arrow has heard they’ve been really restless lately and looking to burn up a dance floor ENBY style ‘til they close down the club.

On a brighter note, two newer and gayer episodes of Dynamic Leadership Rescue Force have been given the RAY treatment, redubbed for your virtual pleasure. Strap into our VRLock and see what Captain Sasaki and Dr. Tora have discovered on the Shadow Planet.

And now, our resident street medic, Diamond Princess, has recorded some tips for taking care of yourself out in the wild. Listen up. We got your back, hoods and g-skis, but you have to stay safe ‘til we can get you to help.

“DATING” Maki yelled. Eli and Umi looked up from the light array they were working on. Maki was hovering over a Yazawa Nico oddly lacking confidence.

Nico muttered, head down, Maki leaned down, Nico reached a hand out to Maki’s cheek, Maki stepped back and turned on her heel.

Eli and Umi exchanged a glance, as they caught the look on Maki’s face, sullen and scared. “Come upstairs, Eli. Alisa texted me some new photos of her latest eaglet.” Umi grabbed Eli’s arm, both doing their best to ignore the other two in the bunker.

“Maki…” Maki’s eyes were tearing and Eli hesitated, not certain what would be best to say. Nico’s head was still down, hands shoved deep in her pockets, “We’ll be upstairs when you’re done.”

Maki nodded. After Eli and Umi left, Nico came up gently behind her lover and looped both arms around Maki’s waist, “It’s not really dating and I don’t like it either, Maki.”

“I hate it.” Maki spat.

Nico leaned her head into Maki, “How can you…?”

“I have a job.” Nico said quietly.

“D..did Komura think this up? Because…” Maki began, fists clenched and started to press into her thighs.

“I did.” Nico’s voice was so soft Maki couldn’t believe she’d actually heard Nico correctly. “It was my idea.”

Maki turned, Nico’s arms still around her, amethyst eyes open and lost, “Nico-chan?”

Nico swallowed and then blew out a long breath, “After I saw you last, Komura told me our superiors wanted us to develop pushback strategies against things like Soldier Game. Having Nico Ni make public appearances with high profile athletes and celebrities was my suggestion.”

“Why? Do you want to?” Maki felt as if she were going to fall and Nico seemed to sense the sag in energy because she moved them both to a chair, sitting across Maki, arms around the redhead’s neck, one hand playing idly with curls of hair.

“No. And nothing will happen. But I have a job. And I want to do it well. And I don’t want anyone looking for reasons I might be disloyal.” I don’t want them looking for you, Nico thought as she took one of Maki’s hands, brought it to her lips and kissed the palm, “I won’t lie to you, Maki. But there’s some things I can’t tell you right now. You just have to trust me.”

Maki knew Nico was trying to distract her by letting her lips slowly move from palm to wrist to forearm, but she was too detached to notice the gentle pressure. “Nico-chan.” Maki’s tone commanded Nico’s attention and the ruby eyes blinked up at her, mischief clouded by worry.

Nico let Maki’s arm drop and put both her hands on Maki’s cheeks, ensuring that their eyes stayed locked on each other, “I want you. So much. Only you. Nico never imagined feeling like this when I was 18 and they said, “Hey Nico Ni, sign up here for ten years and be an idol.” Nico frowned, “I never imagined anyone as amazing as you in my life, Maki-chan.” Nico kissed Maki, lips desperately twisting to break through the barrier Maki’s stiffness was building around her heart. ”Please trust me. It’ll be like spending time with my little brother for Nico. People will mostly care about seeing posts on TWIG. I won’t care at all.”

Maki sniffled as Nico licked away tears rolling down her face, “I hate this, Nico-chan.”

Nico kissed Maki’s cheek softly before replying, “I know. But I can’t just quit.”

Silence. Both of them staring ahead, no future to be seen, wondering if the other’s was darker. Maki could feel Nico, so close, so much brighter and warmer than any tomorrow she could see. Nico would be with other people, talking, laughing, maybe kissing, maybe…

Nico’s eyes were serious, as if she were reading Maki’s mind, “I won’t.”

Maki had no words, but her hands grabbed the back of Nico’s head and pulled the Idol in for a deep, yielding kiss, any self control Nico might have had dashed by the sudden softness inviting her in, Maki’s whispers encouraging her to prove how much Maki would haunt her thoughts, pushing Nico deeper into the swell of need surging between them, into an intensity of emotion Nico was not prepared for, but there was Maki’s voice, the movement under Nico’s hands, the fingers gliding shivers across Nico’s back. Nico pulled back, staring into trust and warmth and confusion, taking a breath to regain control.

“N...Nico-chan?” And that breath became a hiss as Maki touched a hesitant finger to Nico’s underlip.

Another surge, another kiss, another second became an eternity for Nico, “I love you, Maki-chan.” And then Nico ensured that neither of them said anything else, so she didn’t have to think about what “I love you” meant or hear a response that would lead to a court martial. A moan, a cry, a plea, she knew how to handle those.

[eddycurrents]

For the week of 21 August 2017

As I write this, the gulf coast of Texas is being battered by hurricane Henry. I can only hope that everyone was able to evacuate and that those who couldn’t, or were and are caught in unexpected turns of the storm, are able to stay safe and sound. My thoughts go out to everyone effected by this disaster.

My two favourite books of the week were Hi-Fi Fight Club #1 by Carly Usdin, Nina Vakueva & Irene Flores and War Mother #1 by Fred Van Lente & Stephen Segovia. Published by BOOM!/Boom! Box and Valiant Comics respectively.

Hi-Fi Fight Club is essentially Empire Records or Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity recast with an all-female staff. And, well, the staff also has a secret, but it’s not revealed until the end of the issue really, so I’ll leave that out for you to figure out.

The first issue is from the point of view of Chris, Vinyl Mayhem’s newest and youngest employee, as she struggles with her identity and finding her place in the world/at work. Carly Usdin does a good job of presenting the setting and characters through Chris’ eyes.

One of the main draws, though, is the art. The art team of Nina Vakueva & Irene Flores with colours by Rebecca Nalty are a joy. Vakueva has a style that reminds me a lot of Veronica Fish mixed with a bit of Terry Moore, leading to some fairly expressive faces and overall some very pleasant art to convey the story.

I’m really looking forward to how this series deepens.

And then there’s the return of War Mother.

I’ve been waiting for a follow-up to the War Mother one-shot that was part of the 4001 AD crossover from last year by Fred Van Lente and Tomás Giorello, and this doesn’t disappoint. Van Lente is back for this new mini while he’s joined by Stephen Segovia for the artwork.

Van Lente does a good job of getting the reader up to speed on what occurred in the previous one-shot, while giving a concrete introduction (or re-introduction depending on if you’re a new reader or not) to the characters. I’d have liked a little more about the time’s overall current state, but I’m sure that will be addressed whenever Valiant gets back to a new Rai series, and isn’t really necessary to enjoy this issue. 

War Mother (Ana) and her people’s biome, The Grove, is failing and she’s searching for something new before they run out of food completely. In doing so, she investigates a broadcast of a safe haven and goes to check out its source and the viability of the building claiming protection. This leads her to a confrontation with a couple other factions fighting to survive in this world, and a revelation that perhaps not everything is as it seems. It’s fairly compelling to find out what happens next.

Stephen Segovia also is a great addition to the book, giving the futuristic world a distinct lived-in feel. His depiction of the Urbanites is a suitably creepy addition to the world.

Quick Bits:

Archie #23 is kind of an “after the big event” episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, focusing more on character ramifications and fallout of the horrible accident in the previous issue. It’s rather morose, but Mark Waid tries to alleviate that a bit through some of Archie’s natural clumsiness.

| Published by Archie Comics

Black Hammer #12 reminds me that David Rubín really deserves to be a household name. His panel transitions and page layouts are gorgeous. His art just flows. It also helps that Jeff Lemire’s story is quite compelling as well.

| Published by Dark Horse

Doctor Strange #24 concludes the Secret Empire tie-in story-arc from Dennis Hopeless and Niko Henrichon. Overall, the arc was decent, even if the victory is less than satisfying. I would have liked to have seen more from Hopeless & Henrichon, because they seem to have a good grasp on Doctor Strange himself and his magical world, but I’ve liked what they’ve given to us. Henrichon’s art is joyful in itself.

| Published by Marvel

Edge of Venomverse #5 closes out the prequel mini-series of mostly one-shots before the Venomverse event can start proper. Every issue of this series has been incredibly well done and this issue is no exception. 

This may be the best, not necessarily due to the story of Deadpool working to stop an alien worm parasite from invading Earth--although Clay McLeod Chapman’s altered “Sound of Silence” lyrics are fairly humorous--but because of the truly incredible artwork of James Stokoe. I think there’s probably nothing that Stokoe can’t elevate with his art.

| Published by Marvel

Generation Gone #2 still feels like a new take on Akira to me. I don’t know if it will shape up to have nearly as much impact as that, but it’s very good so far. Aleš Kot and André Lima Araújo are doing something interesting here.

| Published by Image

Generations: The Thunder #1 is another that reminds me that they’ve never quite lain out what Generations actually is, how or why the modern heroes are being thrust wherever or whatever this “Vanishing Point” is in what’s mostly been various pasts, but still manages to deliver a decent story. Mostly winding up feeling like annuals or possibly an extended version of those old fifth-week events where every one-shot special followed a specific theme; like everyone was turned into an ape or all of the heroes rocked ‘80s mullets and big hair. Okay, maybe that last one didn’t happen, but you get my point.

The other three (Hulks, Jean Greys, & Wolverines) haven’t been bad, by any means, but they do feel kind of inconsequential with character points that have either already popped up in their source series or look to be brought more to the fore in upcoming issues. Jason Aaron’s work here with the Thors feels a little bit more like another important wrinkle in his ongoing Thor saga, as well as laying some groundwork for the upcoming Marvel: Legacy #1.

It also has some great art from Mahmud Asrar and Jordie Bellaire.

| Published by Marvel

The Hard Place #1 is a solid first issue, very nearly rising to one of my favourites of the week. Doug Wagner pens a fairly standard man-out-of-prison story that you see in film and television, complete with the temptation to get back into crime, but he does a great job of making AJ Gurney feel like a fully realised character.

Nic Rummel’s art is also compelling. He has a style similar to Shawn Martinbrough’s with angular features and heavy use of thick lines and solid black shading. The muted colour scheme from Charlie Kirchoff adds greatly to the feel and atmosphere of the issue.

This one comes highly recommended if you like crime dramas.

| Published by Image / 12 Gauge

Incidentals #1 is the first of the Catalyst Prime series that I’ve read since picking up the Free Comic Book Day issue back in May. I gravitated toward this one solely because Larry Stroman’s name was attached and I was in no way disappointed by his work here with Rob Stull inking his pencils and Snakebite Cortez providing the colours.

I’m not as sold on the story. The concept is fine, one of a team being gathered out of those transformed by “The Event”, but Joe Casey’s execution leaves a little to be desired. He’s got several plates spinning in following the different characters, but he provides very little in terms of exposition and narrative context. It leaves you wondering a bit as to who some of these people are and in some cases what exactly is going on. I normally tend to like Casey’s work, so I’ll give it a chance to grow on me, but I can’t say that I was won over by the story in this first issue.

| Published by Lion Forge / Catalyst Prime

Redneck #5 gives us the revelation of what really happened in the first issue and, well, all I can really say is “Ah, hell.” Donny Cates and Lisandro Estherren can really do no wrong here. 

| Published by Image / Skybound

ROM vs. Transformers: Shining Armor #2 is every bit as dense as the first issue, even as we focus more on the initial battle between the Autobots, Decepticons, Space Knights, and Dire Wraiths. We also get to see what happens when a Cybertronian is taken over by a Dire Wraith, depicted in all its terrifying glory by Alex Milne.

| Published by IDW

X-O Manowar #6 closes out the “General” story-arc, but, like “Soldier” before it, it’s less a hard story break, and more of an end of an act. There’s some nice forward momentum in regards to the monoliths causing havoc on the planet Gorin, who’s behind them or at least allied with them, that looks like it’s going to come to a head in the next arc.

This issue also has some very beautiful shots of the landscape and the monoliths from Doug Braithwaite that break up the pace of the action and intrigue.

| Published by Valiant

Other Highlights: Conan: The Slayer #12, Daredevil #25, Dept. H #17, The Dying & The Dead #5, Eternal Empire #4, First Strike #2, I Am Groot #4, Lazarus: X+66 #2, Letter 44 #35, Lumberjanes #41, Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers #18, Plastic #5, The Punisher #15, Red Sonja #8, Renato Jones: Season Two #3, Shipwreck #5, Shirtless Bear Fighter #3, Sisters of Sorrow #2, TMNT: Dimension X #4, Underwinter #6

Recommended Collections: The Beauty - Vol. 3, The Few, Guardians of the Galaxy: Mother Entropy, Sif: Journey Into Mystery Complete Collection, & Snowfall

d. emerson eddy is really, really bad at Quake Champions. Like “your grandma is probably better at this” level of bad.

[wakingdreamland]

Argumentative Essay Sample

One of the services I offer is the critique and review of essays, as well as custom examples for students to use as references when constructing their own works. 

The argumentative essay is often one of the most challenging to write, as it must be presented with multiple sides of an issue, but a clear opinion on the part of the author that can be argued by others. Even finding an appropriate topic can be difficult, as the writer must immerse themselves in the issue to understand multiple viewpoints involved, state through the writing their stance (or just the stance they are choosing to present) on the topic, and attempt to sway the opinions of the readers. It should also be tailored to the audience, be it the teacher, classmates, or a larger group, so anticipating the viewpoints of the audience is crucial. 

The essay beneath the cut is just shy of 2500 words, and could be trimmed or expanded to fit an assignment if it was needed. It lacks any source citations or footnotes, though those could be provided in whatever format an assignment required.

The topic for this sample argumentative essay is the current controversy over Marvel’s upcoming story-arc, Secret Empire, and how Magneto, a canonically Jewish character, could potentially ally with Hydra, an organization that once had strong Nazi ties. 

Please remember that this is a sample of an argumentative essay only. It is not intended to spark debate in comments or reblogs, nor is it intended for others to plagiarize for themselves.

Magneto And Hydra;  Attract Or Repel?

“What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins, the way he comes to life? I don't think so. It’s the choices he makes; not how he starts things but how he decides to end things.”  -John Meyers, Hellboy

If you're a nerd and not living under a rock that the Mars Rover is about to inspect, you've borne witness to the chaos swirling around Marvel's Secret Empire. Or at least the part that is spreading through the internet like secrets through the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Thanks to how the Marvel Cinematic Universe has taken stories once only found in comics and stray movies and spread them out for a far wider audience, many people are weighing in heavily on the matter of Magneto vs. Hydra. There is outrage aplenty that a canonically Jewish character who survived the Holocaust would ever join an organization as heavily associated with Nazis as Hydra, but as John Meyers said regarding Hellboy, it is not the origins of a man that defines him, but the choices he makes along the way.

Before we examine the character of Magneto as he's developed over the years as well as Hydra, the fascist organization that has allied with the Nazis during WWII and has been seen as an allegory for the Nazis since, it is important to note why this is a sensitive issue for a significant number of people. The current political climate in the US appears to be encouraging a rise in hate crimes; while these bigots have always been among us, believing themselves superior, now they have become more brazen. Bomb threats have been called in to many Jewish Community Centers and Muslim Mosques, and cemeteries have been vandalized; swastikas are appearing in far greater numbers than any time in recent memory. Marvel has already taken a beloved hero, Captain America, and through the use of a Cosmic Cube plot-line, has turned him into an agent of Hydra, which generated intense outrage. Now, there are strong implications that a canonically Jewish character will be a turncoat as well. Readers --or even just people who have enjoyed the movies-- may feel as though their heroes are being taken away from them in a darkening time, to join The Enemy. In all likelihood, this is intentional; comic books have long been known for touching on real-world issues, and these particular story arcs are taking both heroes and villains into a grim and uncertain new reality.

It should also be noted that this controversy is in response to a Marvel variant cover, which don't often have much, if anything,  to do with the story; various other heroes like Hulk, Thor, and Captain Marvel are depicted as secret Hydra agents as well, and even a poster for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. displays a looming threat of Hydra. Nothing on the variant covers hint at what the story arc of Secret Empire will involve, besides a likely conflict between the heroes and villains of several Marvel groups and Cosmic Cubed Captain America.

Magneto is a very well-known super villain of Marvel even to those who have never touched a comic book. He's played big parts in anything related to X-Men, which means significant appearances in cartoons and movies over decades, but many of those depictions focus on Magneto rather than Max Eisenhardt, who after enough name changes to confuse even a comic book writer a little, including Erik Lehnsherr, became Magneto. How does one go about creating such a charismatic super villain? Well, judging by his background, apparently one shoves the character through at least three levels of hell from childhood, makes sure they are repeatedly betrayed and lose multiple loved ones, and makes certain they slaughter a large number of people in a rage that also forces them to lose a loved one. While different variations of the story exist due to the complexities of translating comics to TV shows to movies, the basics of this Intro To Super Villainy are as follows: Through the 1930s and into the 1940s, young Max Eisenhardt suffered the loss of mother, father, and sister by execution, after which he escaped a mass grave. He was captured again and sent to Auschwitz, the horrors of which could have their own essay. While there, he found a "bright side", reuniting with Magda, a Romani girl he'd fallen in love with. They escaped the prison camp and lived an uneventful life until a manifestation of his powers drove an angry mob to attack, burning down their home and killing his daughter. Magneto, or Magnus, as he was calling himself at the time, retaliated by destroying everyone he could get his magnets on. Magda, terrified by the display of power and violence, fled, and would later give birth to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch.

Looking at what this character went through in his formative years thanks to the Nazis, it's incredibly difficult for many to accept that he would align his interests with Hydra. These are events that can shape a man in many different ways. Stan Lee, the creator of Magneto, said in a 2008 interview that he didn't think of Magneto as a bad guy. He was dangerous, he was driven, but not a villain. This is particularly interesting, and a display of the concept: Villains are the heroes of their own stories. From the outside, it is clear that Magneto is absolutely a villain, but from the perspective of the character, he is doing whatever it takes to protect mutant-kind, "Homo superior" from the horrific results of bigotry and fear combining. Even as Magneto wanders off and makes an orbital base in a hollowed out asteroid and gathers a bunch of pissed-off mutants to form the "Brotherhood of Evil Mutants", --seriously, there was no name creativity happening here-- which is probably one of the most super villainy things one can possibly do, his goal is to protect the mutants from the rest of mankind. In his own narrative, and in Stan Lee's mind, he's not the "bad guy"; he's simply willing to do whatever it takes to keep what happened during the Holocaust to the Jews from happening to the mutants.

Magneto goes through a great number of character development arcs, as do most long-term characters that exist in comic books that span decade after decade. Some to the point of becoming utterly nonsensical when looked at with hindsight. At one point, it is discovered that the use of his mutant powers has made him extremely paranoid and aggressive, traits which show during several attempts to conquer or destroy humanity. At another point, Magneto is inwardly horrified that he's become a supremacist himself; in an encounter with the X-Men he nearly kills Kitty Pryde, stopping himself barely in time when he realizes that she's just a child. He also realizes that he's started to view those who oppose him to be as worthless as the Nazis considered his people to be. One of the most unique story arcs he was involved in was called Secret Wars, in which an alien being took heroes and villains to pit against each other so he could view the concept of "good vs. evil" in action. Significantly, it sorted Magneto in with the heroes, because regardless of his methods, his desires were based on a wish to help mutant-kind rather than the more selfish motivations we often see in villains.

Some of these arcs are off-set by others that show just how far he is willing to go with regard to helping mutant-kind; kidnapping, torture, and aiming stolen nuclear warheads at Earth from an asteroid-base are all fine examples of this. He is perfectly willing, at numerous points, to slaughter as much of humanity as his paranoia insists is necessary to preserve mutants, even if he has to kill other mutants to do it. Marvel also repeatedly created spin-off universes, such as the House of M, in which Scarlet Witch warps reality so that those in her family can receive their heart's desires. It says a good deal about the character Magneto that this arc involves him as the leader of the world's much larger mutant population, using Genosha as a base for dominating the rest of the world and placing mutantkind above humanity.

Now we take a look at Hydra. In many instances, members of Hydra can be easily identified by a habit of wearing green with a serpent motif which has probably led to Slytherin / Hydra cross-over fan-fiction somewhere on the internet. Marvel has tried quite a bit, especially in recent times, to distance Hydra from real-world Nazis, though many fans can't --or won't-- see a distinction. The wider fan-based reached by the Marvel Cinematic Universe has seen Hydra in association with Nazis repeatedly, while the comic book canon shows a far more diverse cast for the history of Hydra, which spans back to dynastic Egypt. Red Skull is the villain that many see as the head of Hydra, forgetting that the hydra has many heads; cut off one and two more will grow.

Red Skull is significant because unlike the overwhelming majority of Hydra, he really is a Nazi. Red Skull first appeared in 1941 as a Nazi agent and enemy of Captain America and of the free world in general. What might surprise people is that he has had several incarnations, including having his mind placed into a clone of Steve Rogers. Time and again, the world believes he has gone, only to have him return time and again with schemes of world domination and genocide. People focusing on the allegory of Hydra as Nazis because of Red Skull's association with both miss that Red Skull himself is an allegory of how some enemies will never be truly gone. The ideals he espouses of fascism, bigotry, rule-by-intimidation, and superiority are problems that the real world sees time and again, in many different forms. In a way, he is Captain America's opposite; trained by Hitler himself and appointed head of terrorist activities, given a grotesque mask of a red skull to strike fearful obedience in others while Captain America's costume and shield have stood for hope, uniting against an enemy of the free people, leading others through inspiration. It was Red Skull who took over the reins of Hydra during World War II, thus giving Hydra an association with Nazis that Marvel has been trying, with little success, to break away from.

So why would Magneto join forces with Hydra? We have no real way to know even that he is going to, much less the reasons that will be provided in the upcoming story arc. Art and teasers that Marvel has made available strongly suggest that many groups from the Cinematic Universe, including the X-Men, the Avengers, and even the Guardians of the Galaxy will be swept up in this year-long story, Secret Empire.

People look at one facet of Magneto, the fact that Max Eisenhardt is a Jew. Not just a Jew, but one who survived the horrors of the concentration camps and lost his family in the process. And from that viewpoint, it does seem appalling that he would join with Hydra. While it now lacks any true Nazi ties, the fascist organization has its tentacles squeezing tight on the Marvel universe, subverting Captain America to their side while utilizing S.H.I.E.L.D. as an intelligence gathering unit, surely with intent to (as all villainous organizations wish) take over the world.

But Magneto is not only a Jew. The character has made a number of choices in his life, choices that have led down paths of possible redemption and paths that would make most other super villains anxious and wary of hostile take-over. What he experienced as a young Jew during the Holocaust has led him to desire, beyond all else, protection of mutantkind. He even qualifies as a supremacist himself, over and over, to the point that he'd be willing to eradicate the rest of humanity so that mutants can ascend to their rightful place, believing that they are far superior. A place above a humanity that is so often cruel to the unknown, that lets fear of the things they do not understand lead to war and tragedy over and over. From that perspective, perhaps we can see why he might throw himself in with Hydra, even with the organization's history.

Magneto is not only a mutant with incredibly dangerous and extremely powerful abilities, he is also a brilliant tactician (various asteroid-base debacles aside.) He is cunning, and ruthless, and if he saw a way to utilize Hydra in his ever-present goal of protecting and uplifting mutantkind, he would very likely take it. It is also possible that he would make use of his intelligence and wit to infiltrate the organization with the thought of causing it to topple from within; he is often depicted as a patient man willing to go to great lengths, even ones he may question himself, in order to achieve his goals. To us, the readers, that makes him not just a super villain, but one that can have a certain amount of admiration. Unlike many comic characters, his origins and his experiences have combined to make a fairly steady character in a genre that often sends characters through roller-coaster loops that baffle the laws of physics; no matter what Magneto does, always in the back of his mind is the goal of keeping what happened to his people, the Jews, from happening to his people, the mutants.

Right now, in the real world, minorities are feeling not just oppressed, but scared. Sacred spaces of many cultures are being violated in the name of bigotry or "progress", to the point that it's become difficult to tell the difference between the two anymore. The behavior of US officials has been dismissive over these frequent horrors, sweeping them under the rug, only adding to the hurt and anxiety that many people all over the world are feeling. And while many of us look toward fiction to lift us up, hints and theories suggest that Marvel's Secret Empire will lead our heroes into darkness. Looking at the US today, Captain America being subverted by propaganda and putting Hydra on display as American military is terrifyingly on the nose; those who see Hydra as allegory for Nazis may now see Hydra as allegory for America, and that is a horrifying thought. But comics have often reflected the real world quite intentionally, and perhaps the choices Magneto will make, the way he decides to end things within the story-arc of Secret Empire, will reveal a man we can admire as a hero.