#I guess I'm wasted for some more time
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#....I hope you're proud of yourself#because I can't concentrate on anything for the 3rd day in a row#Can't read anything#And can't even answer people properly#I guess I'm wasted for some more time
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Compilation of EVERY single time they changed Hobie's filter in the digital version:
Left: Theatrical release Right: Digital release
You might have to click on some of them to get a better look at Hobie, sadly I don't have a video editor that allows me to make better edits than these :')
#This took so long to make lol#cause I had to edit every scene with Hobie from both versions so I could watch them right after one another to compare them#I did this with ALL the scenes he's in also the ones where he's on screen as spider-punk#but they only changed his filters in these scenes so it was a waste of time :')#sidenote: no it wasn't it's never a waste of time to look at hobie I just couldn't use it for my GIFset lol#I also made a bouns one but I'm not allowed to post more than 30 GIFs in one post apparently so I guess I just won't add it then...#but Hobie was basically filterless during all these scenes in the theatrical version#I like that they gave him more different filters in the digital version#the only change I don't like is in the first GIFs#cause like that one post pointed out it looks like they removed his lipstick for some reason#also really wish I had a better video editor so we could get a closer look at Hobie but I did my best with what I had#also slowed some of them down to get a better look at them#been having this idea for a while and now I finally finished it!#which means I can go back to working on my fics now#hopefully lol#also lemme know if there are some other scens you guys want me to make comparisons of#cause I have both versions#the theatrical release isn't the highest quality though so if you know where I can get my hands on a better version lemme know ;)#hobie brown#spider punk#miles morales#spider man#peter b parker#jess drew#miguel o'hara#spider man across the spider verse#across the spider verse#across the spiderverse#atsv#theatrical version
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... why he sit like this
#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little#rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo#cats#It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually#getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol#Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime#I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad.#Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering#all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty#e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time#that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense#that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh#I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol#which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything#I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still#recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually#slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.'#ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever#reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished#any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky#and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly#going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et#etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make#stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin#.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care#and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists.#take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc#ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it#82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol......#ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol
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Me vs FF14 part... 2?
It's taken me pretty much three full days of running from cutscene to cutscene. But I've finally reached Heavensward.
And like... on some level? I'm kind of offended?
Like, a part of me genuinely wants to replay the entire game from the start "as something else" (different main-class, different race, different starting-area, whichever), because the dungeon-queuing system is actually really fun when you start to Understand it.
As in, FF14 has somehow made an MMO that has almost eliminated the feeling that it is a level-grind? Partially? It's turned the whole thing into a surprisingly comfortable level of (limited, but genuine) social interaction.
To the point where even someone who isn't obsessively grind-focused like me, can genuinely enjoy themselves. Just queuing up for dungeons, Hunting some bounties, and-...
And then FF14 has so many fucking quests that it literally chokes the life out of the gameplay.
As an example, one of their biggest dungeon-draws (bcs high rewards) is a quest that almost everyone hates playing. Because doing that dungeon means watching literally eighteen minutes of unskippable cutscenes.
And that's with them having reduced the amount of cutscenes in that dungeon, because the players complained so much about them.
Like... I'd be perfectly happy replaying the game from the start with a different character, even knowing that leveling isn't some kind of pain-free thing. But the thought of having to restart the fucking Main-Quest? Of having to spend literal days just running back-and-forth to cutscenes?
I'm currently feeling a bit burned-out as a result of the binge I went on to get here, but I'm pretty damn sure that I wouldn't replay this fucking thing even if you paid me for it.
(And, of course, Heavensward also has a Main-Quest continuation that you have to follow. And now I'm not even allowed to fly everywhere to cut down on the "running back-and-forth"-part of my complaints. Not until they arbitrarily allow me to discover flight for the new areas, by going through even more of the Main-Quest.)
(Not to mention that now I have to go back and do even more Class-quests, with their own cutscenes, in order to unlock a bunch of skills.)
(I'm very fond of the "the church is evil because it doesn't let you fuck dragons"-meme, and I'm very much seeing it. But like... come the fuck on. Why is this MMO a feature-length movie-series? Why can't I just play the game and have fun?)
#and yes. i'm very much aware that ''you can do anything with one character''#bcs everyone gets one (1) race-changing potion. and classes can be switched out super-easily. but that's not the point.#video games#ff14#rants#personal stuff#also like... i'm unemployed and waiting for my classes to begin a few weeks from now. i have INFINITE free-time.#and i still feel like ff14 is actively trying to waste my time by ''telling a story'' that should be in a single-player game.#... actually. that'd explain a lot. did the writers of this game learn to write from single-player games?#is that why there are so many cutscenes and minor characters to constantly juggle? did nobody tell them that they were making an MMO?#(the feeling of going ''all-in'' on the genuineness in the cutscenes even when it's corny as shit? good.)#(being forced to sit through cutscene after cutscene instead of actually playing the game? bad.)#like... even just the dungeon-cutscenes? to some degree it's expected that you SHOULD skip them? bcs you're making others wait?#(and during the Raids. that means outright being left behind. ain't nobody stopping for anyone.)#so you're losing a massive bit of story-telling. bcs it's trying to tell that story in the WORST place.#it's a good story? i guess? but it's so fucking inconvenient to _play the game around_ that it feels more like a chore than an adventure.#and in a single-person game? i think it'd be great. maybe not entirely my kettle of fish. but genuinely good. but as an MMO?#like i get that a lot of it has been added onto it over the span of YEARS and that ppl playing it since launch would've been desperate#for new content. despite how the amount of content seems incredibly overwhelming for new players.#but jesus fuck. at least let people wanting to start a new character to just... skip the fucking thing? they've already seen it once.#* nevermind. they thought of that. they're selling ''story-skip''-potions for 10$. wow. just... wow.
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WHAT'S THE POINT
#!!! if bad books (according to me) are as popular as good ones if not more. what's the point!!!!!!!#this extends to fic too. some of my worst tropey fics that i churned out in 2 minutes became really popular while stuff i felt passionate#about went ignored kdkfld (this is largely abt old fic btw not elisabeth stuff. i know you guys like your [redacted])#whats the point of working hard to make something good if people are just as happy and fulfilled with bad stuff as long as it exists#🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲#there is no point haha i mean personal fulfillment? i guess but its not that fulfilling to not have the chance to show ppl your work#sorry i promise i dont have a martyr complex 💀 and in the grand scheme of things its not like im some creative genius#the thing is. i work hard on stuff because i think not giving my best for personal projects done for personal fulfillment is wasting time#but then the disproportionate amount of effort vs online attention really stings. they dont often correlate#there is no point haha. i'm not good at being happy or content and i'm neurotic about the things that make me happier to do#rant#'have you considered taking antidepr*ssants' yes but my other mental illness says no to them. their tongues are battling for dominance
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The night is young and I am free to do whatever my heart desires but unfortunately I have once again found myself trapped in the Time Prison and so I
#the good old 'I don't feel like doing anything including doing nothing and I want to go to bed but I know I'm not tired'#WEH.#I'm enjoying typing but I don't want to commit to practicing typing for real so I'm just making excuses to type more#I was looking at custom ESC keycaps because I was thinking about that whole community of ppl obsessed with keyboards and like I get it I#like the clicky clacking and keyboards can look so pretty but some of those key caps man wtf.#why would you want 3D transparent donald duck ESC key from temu what is wrong with you#saw a set of key caps that were little kittys with little kitty ears n I was like fuuuuuuuuuck#49.00 USD probably 100000 CAD+shipping goto helllll#I was thinking about what if I had like confetti keycaps and a custom kittycake esc key or like an actual little cake and matching desk mat#or even just a new cute mousepad cuz mine is old as fuck and I spilled vegetable cream stew on it once#and then I was thinking like sighhh and wouldn't it be cool to have arcade carpet on the stairs leading down to my basement hovel and#rainbow lights along the ceiling corners and what if I painting my bedroom like I wanted to do and sighhhhh#I haven't been wasting my money buying shit like that but I'm thinking about it again.#but the same thing stopping me from doing anything at all is stopping me from wasting my money which like that's good I guess???????#gosh I really like typing why did I stop doing daily typing practice#oh yea The Thing Stopping Me From Doing Anything At All#meow meowm meow meow meow#ok I really gotta tear myself away from my computer and brush my teethses and try going to bed#I already played minecraft earlier it's fine I didn't do NOTHING tonight it just feels like I did#and tomorrow is another day#and next week is a short work week thank fucking christ almighty#literally cuz its easter sunday and he was in that tomb but he escaped or whatever he did#thanks jeezy boy#you maybe shoulda milked it for like half a week at least#moved the big ass boulder like have an inch at a time#*pause for laughter*#that s from my new stand up comedy routine do uiuop like it djfskll;askjdgflksjdflksajdflksjdf the dsjalkjfolidasfgjoiweljsdalkjflskdjflak#meowww#I am the only one I know on here who 'talks' this fucking much about absolutely nothing#I do all this and my poor followers can click read more and spend time reading alllllll this garbage
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yes I've been lying in bed for three hours, listening to the same song on repeat, and yes I have written *checks* 14,000 words of the most stupid, embarrassing shit ever over the last two days, and yes I can actively feel my brain melting in my head, but I'm definitely totally fine.
#I need to keep pointing this out because it's absolutely fucking insane to me#the last time I wrote anything resembling a story of any kind was when I was like 11. before I got too self conscious and before people kept#doing shit like taking my diary and reading it.#but since then? nope. nothing. not a single word.#and now it's like. well I guess instead of sinking deeper and deeper into the same damn pattern of spending all day in bed imagining the#same scenario over and over again because I can't remember shit. I'm just. writing it down.#and it's. so fucking cathartic?? because things are actually happening??#yes it's 100% just absolutely desperate yearning and I can't reread it without wanting to break my phone#but I'm fucking doing it and I don't care how embarrassing it is (I do care so much actually oh my god it's so bad. but I'm doing it anyway)#yes I'll just delete this file the next time I'm hit by that wave of self loathing and yes if anything this is even more of a waste of time#than just thinking about it#but fuck man it feels good. also bad but. good. some of the time.#(yep this is absolutely nothing it's irrelevant it's just me doing a normal thing that people do and feeling like I'm insane. that's what#I do. 🤦 don't know how to be normal. everything is something even if it's really nothing.)#personal
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since bomba's and macavity mother is not a good parent jenny have try do give them motherly love. she give her snacks, listen to what they wanna say
I am the biggest sucker for surrogate mom Jenny stuff - really just gets me somewhere in the fluff craving part of my brain.
#and i feel like since jenny is really good at getting a read on cats#she's very emotionally aware of how she needs to go about 'parenting'#like some cats respond better to 'look at me - i'm your mother now come here' and others it's more#'hey i made cookies and there are just so many of them because i accidentally tripled the recipe#so i guess you'll have to take some or else they'll go stale and maybe bring some home to your brother too'#she shows up does the research makes the effort#sometimes it's even acting like she's only half listening to them when they share things#because she knows if she gives them her full attention and they know it they'll feel guilty like they're wasting her time#(even though they're not)#it's all about adjusting the strategy to the kiddos in need#Jennyanydots#Bombalurina#Macavity#other headcanons#jellicles ask because jellicles dare#bombawife#did that make sense i hope that made sense
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Idk man if you're constantly talking about your crushing loneliness and feelings of being ostracised and left out when you ostensibly have a bunch of friends around you then maybe the feelings of loneliness aren't the problem there
#i would always feel really empty and distant and 'act out' after our hangouts#and i always framed it as like 'i get the high when i'm around people and then i crash afterwards'#and didn't really consider that maybe sitting in a vc for 4 hours feeling left out while other people have fun is just soul sucking#it was always framed as my behaviour that was the problem. 'you did this and you did that.' so i just kinda internalized that#if i felt like shit it must be my fault. everybody knows i'm the one who causes problems so i'm just causing more problems#if i say that something made me uncomfortable and the response is 'i wont make accomodations and how dare you even ask' it must be my fault#idk. we filled out consent forms in the game i'm really not excited to play and i was reminded that nobody ever asked my consebt#and when i tried to advocate for myself and voice that i wasn't consenting it was treated like i was causing problems by trying to say that#and i saw that as a reasonable reaction at the time cause i had been so deeply convinced that i was broken and horrible#that if i was trying to revoke my consent or even just negotiate it then i was ruining everything for everybody else#that if i was uncomfortable with what was going on i needed to just shut up and live with it#i wish i had realized that and dropped out months ago. maybe that could have preserved some semblance of my relationships with those people#far too late for that now. i'm trying to accept that#and all that effort was wasted anyway#i tried to say once that i was putting in a massive amount of effort and i felt like nobody was recognizing that fact#and i still kind of feel that way#i put hours of mental energy into trying to be enough for people who kept demanding more from me and kept giving me less in return#did that do me any good or did it just cause me 3 months of grief and an empty bank account from therapy?#the problem is that i still wish things had turned out better even though i know i had no control over that#if i had kept advocating for myself it just would have been over far faster. i guess that might have spared me a bit of money#if i tried to talk about the problems it would have just been dismissed with some quick quippy therapy phrase amounting to 'not my fault'#we're already living in the universe where i put all my effort into changing in the ways i was told to change and look how well that went#idk. the attitude was never 'let's fix the problems.' it was always 'you need to fix it.' and then when i did it was#'now there's a new problem. fix that one too. and this one. and that one.'#and to do all that work for somebody and then be told they thought you never even cared about them. man it just stings#idk. it's in the past now. but i can't build new relationships. i'm trying and it's impossible#i try meeting new people and they all suck. i try strengthening relationships with old people and they all get too busy or leave.#the only reason i post these things on tumblr is cause i don't have anybody else to talk to about it#the only person i could talk to has their own shit going on. there really just isn't anybody else#personal
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putting this here too. i don't recommend this strategy, but it's strangely consistent. you really can't get 6 spears quick as anyone besides spearmaster, but uh. it works i guess. literally all i did was stockpile spears, lure it over, and then spam grab and throw while shrieking and i somehow got it. this is my first red centi kill ever.
#did this to a second one in pipeyard too#but that one was messier; i let it get away because i wanted to save#just. the more spears the better i guess#just rain hell on it#sporepuffs are really a better strategy though#this is just pure spear spam and panic#downpour spoilers#spearmaster spoilers#(sort of)#this was during an expedition#but also i'm kinda just wandering around as spearmaster#i for some reason made the really dumb mistake of doing a pearl ferry quest to moon as him#but oh well#i guess i get to explore garbage wastes in spearmaster's time#(i'm not doing SC lol i just realized i won't have any hands left)#rain world#downpour#egh fine maintagging#for organizational purposes
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woah woah woah yuri you're still alive????
haha what happened you may ask??? well, life just gave me hell and decided that today. TODAY, was gonna top it off with the biggest disaster so far!!!!!
i literally just wanted to have ONE day off after my bday, but the next morning my computer wouldn't work! which was fantastic because literally every single one of my wips/ finished not posted works/ digital art was on there so i stressed. the FUCK. out
it's fixed now ofc and THANKFULLY nothing was lost except the artworks that weren't autosaved that day! (which- yknow, sucks, but there was worse at stake before :'D) after me bEGGING my dad to help me with the problem
except it's NOT OVER yet!!!!
sai's settings and brushes reseted for some reason and my absolute fav custom brushes were gone! so with me trying to recreate them then loosing them all over because they just wouldn't be SAVED OMG and me going for a trip to my uncle's small town and watching the leftover day offs i had dwindle so goshdarn fast i was feeling so sO drained-
and wanna know the funniest thing??? when i come back home ready to post art and FINALLY rant about this what happens?? no wifi :DDDD
prioritizing the water and electricity bills first, i got to work and drew everyday to make it up for you guys and look at that! i have good and horrible news!
so SURPRISE! since you guys have been SO patient with me (thank you all :'D), i will say that i have a LOT of finished works to post! all ranging from 1 animated gif, 9 artworks, 1 illustration that's part of a little prompt idea i came up with (1 done and 4 left)
technically, i have 2 pieces finished and 3 wips for the remaining days of fnk week and 2 new ocs!!!! (and redraws of 4 older ocs, 2 of which are ready to post)
as for the worse news... man. i'm barely hanging here but woo i broke my tablet's pen and it's charging wire!! (i literally don't know how but it got separated from it's body while it was in it and i can't i can't even)
i am so so broken right now- i was so happy to update yesterday and reblog stuff since i finally got wifi again and- man it feels like i'm making this shit up but oh my god i wanna cry
i guess i could post everything i had the chance to draw before but gosh i'm so sorry but i can't promise more art after i announce which one was the last in stock- (at least until i get enough money to buy a replacement for them both)
i know i suck at communicating if i'm alive and just having a hard time but i swear this year was really rough on me and my health in general so i hope you guys can understand :'(
#rambling#delete later?#i am so so tired all the time#i guess it was a needed rest to just. not think about anything and draw for fun but it also wasn't exactly relaxing-#i have so little free time and wasting it feels so horrible and i'm. sorry#sorry for dropping off out of the sudden and sorry for the wait i'm aware that it's sad whenever it happens#i planned this post in advance so when i noticed my pen wasn't working anymore i was having such a breakdown i'm#i can't even open commissions i can't draw no more oh my gosh i'm sorry#just when you think it's getting better it gets a hundred times WORSE i can't believe my LUCK!!!!!#and oh my god SORRY for not reblogging stuff you tag me into as well!!!#i felt like every happy emotion was drained out of my soul and i couldn't act like i was excited and all when i was doing horrible so#i didn't read nor look at anything because you guys deserve the original reaction of surprise and some real compliments!!!!#sorry if that means i don't reblog right away but i refrain from looking at something and only liking if i plan on leaving commentary later#and to the asks staring daggers at me in my inbox yall i swear if i wasn't busy being stomped over by life i'd answer in a heartbeat-#THANK YOU to EVERYONE for sticking by even if you probably forgot you even followed me at this point hhh :'D#too emotionally tired to delete the old happy tags i typed before#i could probably post this once i get my emotions in check but man i'm TIRED of waiting i am so done#gosh it must be a disappointing return right? yeah#sorry for the long post but man- i just don't wanna worry you guys for nothing#so heads up i'm probably gonna take a day off after this and be less cheerful than usual once i'm back#so ill wait to reblog stuff later again (so sorry again)#i'll make an announcement once i start posting the art i finished meanwhile (one every day cause there's a LOT)
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.
#woke up today with a looming sense of dread#i'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face because of minor inconvenients#i have no energy and find no joy in anything...#wouldn't you guess i'm due my period any time now...#every month i'm more convinced i have pmdd... and every month i'm full to the brim with anxiety and depression...#this is SO FUCKING FUN!#also yeah yeah i need to go to a doctor i need to speak to someone about this and i need to get medicated#i don't deserve to feel like this periods shouldn't debilitate you this much etc etc...#i don't think there's a human professional in this country that believes pmdd is a thing enough to medicate me#i know for a fact that my mother (a person i live with and in some way still holds power over me whether on purpose or by my own issues)#doesn't believe is a thing because she's the kind of person who says depressed people just need to ''choose happiness'' so...#not exactly a possibility now#not to mention i FUCKED UP the only regular client i had and now i won't be earning enough money to waste on doctor appointments#just to have some old male doctor tall me my ''womanly problems aren't bad enough'' so... yeah not doing that#ANYWAYS i don't see hope in the world today this will pass in a few weeks and everything will be fine#why don't i go watch good omens and maybe i'll calm down am i right?#lol#angel talks#personal
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As someone who hates the sisyphean task of cleaning, how dare my mental health prefer a clean room.
#like come on brain - you could have made this one easier on the rest of me but ( as usual) NO You didn't#did i think about this as i sit in my tidy bedroom where everything just looks a lot cheerier and cozy and happy now that it's clean? yes#did it literally take me DAYS to get it this clean - and by this clean i still have laundry and stuff to do - so it's not perfect#but it looks like it p much is#and while my skin has not been cleared no my depression cured - it certainly is a boost to feel like this is a refuge#i actually want to spend time in her and feel like it's a nice room to be in - awaaaaaaaay from the other people i live with#and lbr - i need a plce to get awaaaaaaaay from them (and ok fine vice versa most likely)#but still - it would be a lot simpler if my brain liked a messy room more- my lazy parts would prefer that- but no#depression brain says -BITCH CLEAN UP - you will be happier and capable of doing some of the things if it's clean#also - you will feel LESS OF THE BAD HORRORS if it is clean#so UGH - FINE i will have to work to keep it clean - I GUESS.#i should reread camus's myth of sisyphus because iirc he didn't talk about dishes or laundry or room cleaning in that#he probably talked about death - been too many years since i read it - i don't remember - probs death and suicide#but not cleaning - he should have talked about cleaning. or wanting to die when you realized living means more cleaning#that would have been way relatable - but anyway - here we are- i'm not dead - and not planning on being so any time soon hopefully#partly because there is shit i still wanna do - but also partly because this room looks p decent and i'm not gonna make it messy#especially not by dying in here when it takes forever to get it clean#moral of the story: cleaning makes you feel like you wanna die but when it's done for the moment you'll be like i'll do that another day#because now the room is clean and dying in there would be a waste of the efforts of cleaning. just appreciate the space - vibe w/ it#and then you realize - ok life is maybe okay - and there's art and books and flowers and sex and chocolate and cute animals#so even if there are sisyphean tasks - and there are many - well do em anyway - brain will like it and then get back to the good stuff#thus endeth the tag saga after a short text post#welcome to how shit is around here sometimes
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idk i think it's so funny I went down a survival horror game rabbit hole when a) I'm too freaking anxious for horror games I will make myself cry, b) it was all PS2 stuff which is extra funny bc I've never even played on someone else's playstation let alone had one, i was always a wii kid lol. but now my brain is like ah yes. time to consume everything I can about games I can't even play and that are stupid expensive/hard to get now
#also i love that people draw jennifer from rule of rose and fiona from haunting ground together#they're just two girls with their dogs and in horrible situations and you know im glad they get to have dogs#any game where i get to have a pet is alright by me even if shit is otherwise majorly fucked#anyway. i do need to play pathologic. it's funny bc in theory it is really the kind of thing I'd like bc there's so much stuff to uncover#plus i think classic HD (which is the version i have) fixes the bad translation so it's not even like it's too hard to understand#at least only hard to understand in the intended pathologic-y way anyway#and i really really like the soundtrack#and everything I've watched and read about it is sick as hell (no pun intended) so i think the thing making me unable to get into it is the#actual experience of playing it. like it's funny how much of an asshole dankovsky is but that doesn't mean I *want* to play as an asshole#its funny the only time i really like playing that way is in skyrim bc im just. greenish elf that picks everyone's locks bc it was the first#thing i figured out and characters will just ???? let me fucking do it??? (i say having gotten arrested in whiterun like immediately)#i guess because I'm not invested in any of the characters yet because i havent had time to sit down and really play it#i guess that'd kind of be the way i play in lotro but that's more just me not interacting with other players#fun fact i think i still have one of the earliest fellowship quests sitting unfinished bc i can never form groups to finish them#i don't think I'll even ever get good at lotro though honestly#more just knowing what buttons to spam#idk i played hunter FOREVER but minstrel is really really growing on me#even though some of the skills are kinda wasted since i only ever play alone#anyway what was i talking about
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Maybe I just miss havin someone else to blame
#i feel so fucking useless. worthless. i had ONE job n instead i fucked it up n crossed that one line i can't uncross#he'll never forgive me n it's all my own damn fault#don't know how to cope with how there's no way back now. he doesn't even want me anymore he just wants to hurt me#n i kinda wanna let him cause it's all i was ever any good for anyway#just. lie back n let him take it all out on me. as if he ever made it that easy#god what the hell is wrong with me this is fucking pathetic#he was the only one that could make my head quiet the only one i could always go back to. even if he made me regret it every time#i don't know how to change any of this. it can't always be like this can it? somethin's gotta change at some point right?#i need to stop gettin so fucking wasted i make a fool outta myself but. i only feel even sorta okay if i'm drunk#what the fuck am i supposed to do?#i just wanna go home. i thought things would get better now that i'm technically free of him but. i still feel the same. or worse#at least i could keep myself numb most of the time. n i had cherri n nuggs. everyone feels so fucking far away here#n it's probably me not them but. idk how to change anythin. everythin's just wrong.#everythin's always wrong#i'm so fucking tired n sleep doesn't change a fucking thing#i guess maybe val was right. there's nothin out here for someone like me. what he gave me was the best i could get n i shoulda just m#*appreciated it instead of always complaining#idk how long i can keep myself from goin back to him. just to see if he can still make it all go away. even if i'll probably regret it.#fucking hell how long can i keep this up?? i can't start drinkin more i can't damage this body like that for the others#but i'm startin to run really low on options#spdrvent
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I love how as soon as someone else is in charge of meals for a week you come back home and just. forget how to eat. or do anything.
#I guess it's not so much ‘forgotten’ as ‘oh wow there is WAY more clutter here than I remember’#but you can't clean up the clutter because you have fifty job emails to reply to#80% of which are time sensitive#and 80% of THAT which is urgent#but also can't focus on job emails because there is So Much Clutter#and also have to do the dishes to have dinner#and ALSO have to physically clean the place because People Will Be Here Soon#and also finish sorting the trash and deal with all the yucky food waste you should've dealt with BEFORE leaving on vacation#and also figure out how to actually get paid before moving continents#(oh hey but fun news I finally decided to join that union! in arguably my last week of official employment but still sdkjfhsk)#(very exciting time to join gotta say)#(this hospital is honestly such a mess I'm surprised it's still going)#hmmm okay in typing this out I realize I have more tasks than I initially thought#including some I didn't bother typing out#possibly this is also a Funk™ because I have felt very lethargic the past few days...probably should walk outside at some point.....#I might just have to surrender this round though and consider instant noodles tonight#because yesterday I discovered an incredible new super power#which I call ‘nearly passing out while sitting peacefully in bed exactly the way you have been for the past 8+ hours’#Cheese's personal molasses#okay SO! goals for today!!#1) at least START the background check#2) consume something that is not sweets or crackers or peanuts for dinner#3) wash at least one dish#4) draw :D#...hopefully#we'll see#agh I forgot dressing change#probably important#but so annoying ugh#hm okay maybe switch tasks 1 and 2 for system maintenance
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