#I had just woken up when I made that vent post and didn't do a great job of explaining that it was from the pain 😅

[thethingything]

Shaky & nauseous on pain meds means you have too much in your system. You need to try to eat some bread or something to fill your tummy more so meds won't hit so hard. Those are the beginning signs of ODing, that's how I lived several years of my life when I was an add!ct 😭

oh hey thank you for letting me know that's a thing!

in this case I think it's from the pain itself and not the meds because I've been only taking the meds about once per day when the pain gets so bad I can't function (athough it's 1pm and I've taken them twice since midnight because it's been especially bad today) and the shakiness and nausea gets bad when the pain is especially bad whether we've taken pain meds or not, and calms down when the pain eases off so I think it's the pain itself that's causing it.

I do really appreciate this advice though because it is something I've been worried about and it's something I'll try to watch out for

[floxbuddy]

Chapter 1 of my NoCo fanfic, I’ll post it here although it’s also on wattpad : )

1. Midnight

I stopped being able to hear the sound of trees rustling. I flinched, realizing that I had not noticed myself submerged in water. I opened my eyes, half-lidded, glaring into the foggy moonlight. It all stopped, all noise, besides the faint echo of the night seeming to fade away quite quickly.

With the echo fading away, so was my breath.

However, it was nothing. Everything is nothing, as opposed to what I used to believe; I know what is better now. I felt my clothes flutter as the water took me in, deeper I went, the less it mattered. There was so use in trying to fight the suffocation if there was no breath to begin with. succumbing to the gravity against my weight, I closed my eyes.

    —

    Shooting awake, I gasped in a cold sweat. My throat was killing me, I must've woken up due to dehydration. Unfortunately, going back to sleep wasn't an option, for my head was pounding and I felt like I was about to vomit. I stepped out of my room, tip-toeing down the hallway as to not wake anyone up, before grabbing a cup of water and heading toward the sink.

    As I proceeded to fill the cup with water, I looked into the reflection to see myself with huge dark circles. I wonder how late it must've been, anyway. It's not like this is the first time something like this has happened, but I'm usually not up this early unless I'm sick. Fuck, maybe I am sick. Oh well. No sickness is getting in the way of the plans I have today. Making my way back, my room was waiting for me as I laid back into my sweaty bed, with the vent ringing being prominent as ever. I couldn't stop sweating, but it was fine, because I should be fine by the time I wake up.

    I forgot to go back to sleep. I rotted all night. Oh, and that dream, I remember it clearly now.

—

    Hearing the sound of my mom leaving her room to make coffee, I assume, I took it as an opportunity to ditch my bed and get ready for school. I may feel like a zombie, but staying here any longer isn't doing me good. My morning routine was nothing memorable, as it was about 7:30 AM by now, and I grabbed my backpack to head to the car for school.

Stepping into the car, I made funny faces at my baby brother. It was nice to see him after such a long morning spent doing absolutely nothing. Other than the sound of our laughs, the car was utterly quiet. It stayed that way until I was dropped off at the front of campus. Feeling too unmotivated to speak, I gestured a light wave to my parents before they drove off.

I wonder if my parents even care about me. Like, yeah, I know they love me, but I bet they didn't bother to glance at my sick face. I should hurt myself, to see if they would notice. wait, no, thats a horrible thing to say, scratch that.

I opened my phone to see a text from Izzy, one of my closest friends ever since the 'Total Drama' thing. I've kept up with some friends since then, more than I've ever had, really. Izzy, Eva, Owen, and Cody. I really don't talk to Cody much, but I'd feel bad for not considering him a friend. Izzy and Eva are just about the most insane couple I've ever met, but I enjoy the chaos, as much as I'd never admit it. Owen is sweet, and thats really all I can say about him. He is always there for me when things go to shit.

As I was about to open Izzy's text, I flinched at the sudden feeling of someone coming up from behind me and shoving me.

"Aye, Noah!" Said a familiar voice, Cody. I ought to be used to the way he greets me by now, but this particular morning, I was on edge.

"Fuck, man! Stop doing that," I yelled a bit too harshly, darting my eyes the opposite direction, finding myself already losing stability at first interaction. At least it was Cody of all people, I'm sure he would understand.

"Sorry, sorry. Anything on your mind?" He paused, "Sheeesh, you look real tired." Leaning closer to examine my face, it was starting to piss me off; I turned back to him sharply in hopes of him deciding to keep his eyes to himself, but he couldn't take a hint.

"What's on my mind is that you're invading my personal space. Back off." I said in my usual, monotone voice. He finally decided to look away as we walked inside, but not for long.

"... Okay, so I feel like you're not gonna believe this, but just look at my scars real quick." He said as he pulled me to his attention, pointing at the three prominent scratch marks stretching from his left cheek to his neck. He hasn't stopped talking about them and how it helps him pull girls, but I don't see it... literally. This man is no magnet.

    "They've changed a lot this week! You know what that means,"

    "Yay! You're delusional." I said with enthusiasm.

    "Nuh uh. It obviously means good luck, and I know that someone will ask me out soon!" He happily exclaimed, which wasn't anything new. If there's anything I know about Cody, it's that he's never not begging for a love life. I gave him a skeptical look, but I couldn't care enough to burst his bubble; I shrugged it off.

    "Good luck with that, Cody."

    Making our way into the cafeteria, I saw Izzy and Eva, to which I realized that cody prevented me from checking Izzy's text in the first place. It's fine, she was probably just letting me know that they were in the cafeteria anyway. I waved to them as they noticed Cody and I, and Izzy began running our direction, while Eva stood.

    "Cody! Noah! I'm so glad you both hurried over here — Noah, you read my text, right?" Izzy said, practically jumping up and down with excitement. To my confusion, she usually isn't this jumpy in the morning.

    "No. All thanks to someone nearly tackling me to the ground, I got distracted," I stared back at Cody, with half-lidded eyes. We began walking back to Eva so we could find a seat in a place that, hopefully, wasn't incredibly crowded.

    "Oh, whatever, I said sorry!" He taunted back, with a pouty expression.

    "Learn to take a kind gesture every now and then, Silly!" Izzy said before throwing a punch at my arm. It really fucking hurt.

    "Ow, how the fuck is that a kind gesture!?" I yelled. Izzy and Cody started laughing, to no surprise. My suffering is a melody to their ears, I presume.

    "Come on, do it back!" Cody happily said, before I elbowed him in the stomach.

    "That's what you get for shoving me this morning," I then threw a weak punch back at Izzy, "And stop punching me!"

    "Ow, Haha — Whatever, Noah!" Cody laughed off, whilst clenching his stomach. I could tell he was in pain but didn't want to admit it. Theres a little confidence boost for me, I guess. However, Izzy was completely unbothered, looking at me with a taunting face.

    "That's all you got, wimp?" She said, trying to lure me into punching her again, but I'm better than that. And unfortunately, that punch was a genuine one — I'm awfully weak, especially this morning. "Come on, fight me!"

    "No, absolutely not!" I yelled at her, as we found ourselves meeting with Eva. I looked at her desperately, with a 'You're her girlfriend, do something' face. She studied my face for a split second, noticing my dark circles and then turning to Izzy.

    "Izzy, calm down a second. How about you tell them your surprise?" She said, pulling Izzy away from me. Such a small gesture just did a number for me, I'll thank her when I can. Izzy's excited attitude is not something I want to face this morning.

    "Oh, oh, oh! I want to wait until Owen gets here," She said, to which I realized that Izzy must've texted me in relation to said 'surprise'. I turned to Cody, and we met eye contact with a confused look on our faces. I reached into my pocket and read the text Izzy sent to me. I was right, the text read along the lines of 'Noah! Hurry up, I need to tell everybody something'.

    "Did you get a text from Izzy?" I asked Cody.

    "Uhhh, hm— Let me check," Checking his pockets for his phone, he frantically took his backpack off and searched there too; after he found it, he replied, "Yeah, but I didn't read it up until now."

    "I wonder what she's waiting to tell us," I said curiously, glancing a bit more at the text. Before Cody and I knew, Izzy and Eva were already off to find Owen. Feeling lazy, I decided to head the other direction to find a place to sit.

    "Noah, where are you going?" He said, following me.

    "I'm finding a place to sit until they come back with Owen." I said. It wasn't long until I found a good empty table in the corner of the cafeteria, Eva and Izzy must've been sitting there before we got here. Cody and I sat next to each other, as I scrolled on instagram for a bit. Although most of the content was old news, due to just how much time I tried to waste this morning scrolling, I needed something to occupy myself until the others returned.

        "Watcha doing?" Cody said, leaning closer to my phone.

    "What does it look like im doing?" I scoffed. It was obvious, was it not? nonetheless, Cody's kind of stupid.

    "I'm just curious," He said, moving back towards the wall, "My morning was so boring. I'm like, dying for conversation, y'know?"

     "Well you're in luck then, because they'll be back soon." I said, glancing back at my phone.

    "They'll take forever, cause Owen's always late. I just really want to talk," He paused, noticing my unamused face, then beginning again, "Look, I know that I sound crazy right now but that's because I was just diagnosed with ADHD last week. Isn't that weird? So really, I might just bounce off the walls if im not occupied!" He rambled. As much as I appreciate Cody as a friend, I literally couldn't care less.

    "That explains a lot," I said lightheartedly. I continued to scroll on my phone. Cody continued rambling, but I pretty much muffled it out whilst finding myself zoning out the more I scrolled. I'm pretty sure he thought I was listening thanks to my occasional nod and an 'Ohh' every now and then. I wasn't finding much amusement on my phone, but it was better than paying attention to Cody's annoying rant.

    "And so I went— Oh, Noah, They're here!" Cody said, which broke me out of my cycle. He pointed over at the three walking towards us: Izzy, Eva, and Owen. It took them long enough.

    "What took you guys so long?" I said, annoyed.

    "I told you that Owen is always late," Cody interjected.

    "Whatever," I said, "You guys found a good table."

    The couple looked at me, confused, then Izzy replied, "Oh, we were sitting in a completely different spot. I guess the people who were sitting here ended up leaving. So really, you found the table!"

    "Oh," I muttered. Everyone took a seat, and Owen was kind enough to bring breakfast sandwiches for the five of us. We talked for a bit, before Izzy stood up and slammed her hands on the table.

    "Guess what, guys!"

    "Come on, tell them!" Eva said, handing Izzy her phone. Izzy quickly snatched it, and fidgeted the screen until she flipped her phone to us to reveal an image of some white domesticated rat.

    "Look!"

    Owen gasped, while Cody and I stood confused. "Woah, another one?! Oh my god, now your other rat wont be alone!"

    "Uh-Huh! Cody, Noah, I have another pet rat now! Her name is Molly, isn't she cute?" She said, as she practically shoved the phone in our faces. I couldn't lie, it was a cute rat, but I hate rodents.

    Cody gasped in excitement, and replied, "We should all come over to meet him!"

    "Uhm, Molly is a girl. And I was planning on just bringing her to school, but that works too," She said, putting her phone away and sitting back down.

    I quickly turned and said, "Whatever you guys are planning, I'm not going." At least, whatever they were going to drag me into, it wasn't going to be today.

    "Aw, come on Noah, not even this weekend? I'm sure we are all free on the weekend," Cody said, giving me a similar pouty face to the one before. He's really good at being convincing, with those giant blue eyes of his. It's freaky. I'd never say that to his face, though.

    "Sounds like a waste of time to me. I hate rodents and you guys know that," I said. "I hate your other rat too."

    "But you like us, right? I have no plans on the weekend, do you, Eva?" Izzy asked, to which Eva shook her head. "Do you, Owen?" Owen shook his head as well. "You don't have to go near the rats, Noah! If you don't want to go, that's okay, but I'm sure we have a plan now, right guys? How about Saturday?"

    "Sounds good to me!" Cody said, as the rest nodded. Focusing their gaze on me, I could tell that they were awaiting a response.

    "I'll think about it," I said, giving in. I really don't have any plans for the weekend, and it's been a while since I've gone to Izzys. I miss company on days when there's nothing to do.

    "Well then, it's settled. See you guys at lunch," Eva said as she and Izzy got up to walk to class. Soon enough, we were all on our way.

    The day continued like every other day, like every other week. Except for the fact that I was exhausted, I guess. I couldn't help but think about the dream I had all day. I got home and washed my bedsheets, then locked my bedroom door and stood there, alone.

    Something has to change eventually. But I don't see it coming any time soon.

    My life is a steady imbalance. It always feels like something is wrong, but I can't pinpoint it. I never can. It's that feeling which drives me to keep that steadiness, in hopes that, maybe, if I dig deep enough, dig into those parts of my brain that make my stomach twist; I will find that 'something'. I don't really seem to care if I'm continuously breaking myself apart each day by following the same instructions as yesterday and yesteryear. I feel like I need to find myself, by any means.

    I wish I could be admired by somebody. To feel worth someone's time.

    I know I'm only 17, but, I don't think I will ever find that 'somebody', which is why I'm in search of a 'something'. Maybe I can find the reason behind my life if I just dig into myself deep enough.

[scoobydoodean]

About Me Being a Jackass

So. As some of you saw, the other day I fucked up. I am not going to apologize for the fact that something offended me or for my opinion, but I am sorry for how I addressed it. Regardless of how much or little offense what someone else said made me feel, I am the bigger asshole at the end of the day, because I perpetuated a message that screenshotting people’s tags to shit on them behind their back is okay.

@ original person involved: I haven't deleted my posts, because the nature of Tumblr is that other copies of what happened remain on various blogs regardless, and I didn’t want you to feel like I was trying to hide what was said at least until I had made this post establishing that I am the asshole. However, I will go back and hide everything from being visible to randoms opening the notes to minimize the potential of you receiving grief from anyone, and if you would like me to, I will also DM this post to those who reblogged the original incident and ask them to delete their copies of it from their blogs. I can’t promise compliance, but I figure if I ask nicely as the OP, I might have decent luck.

Back to the general audience: I have a few lessons for myself here, and I hope you read them and consider learning from my mistakes too (if you aren't already too smart to be like my dumbass).

Never respond to something that annoyed, offended, irritated, or grossed you out at 3AM. This is, universally, a bad idea. This is something I actually know already, from my many years on the internet, so there isn't an excuse. I have had, "Oh thank god" moments before when waking up to look at things I decided the night before, to not put out into the world and to sit on instead to see how I felt about them the next morning. Rarely have I ever woken up no longer feeling negatively about what someone else said, but I at least wake up with a clearer head on the appropriate response to it. So don't do it. Just shut the fuck up and go to bed. You will save yourself from a lot of stupid decisions.

Never assume that using tags to comment on something means it won't get screenshotted and re-tagged with more note-passing-in-class-style commentary. The person who tagged my post didn't expect anyone to respond. They likely expected at most for their friends to maybe like it and maybe a reblog with '#prev'. I responded to the tags they didn't expect me to comment on while also tagging my addition for something and expecting it to stay on my blog and for nobody to reblog the tags I had added, which was fucking dumb considering the thing I literally just did is make somebody else's tags show hole.

Never assume that reposting something to a sideblog where you don't have very many followers is sufficiently private. It is still an online space. It is not private. If you MUST be upset and vent IMMEDIATELY because you CANNOT help yourself, send it in a DM to your friend instead.

Never assume that leaving off someone's username from their tags when you screenshot them is sufficient to protect that person's identity. Especially not when you are stupid and screenshot their tags on the very post where they tagged what they tagged. There is no excuse for me, because just the other day, I saw someone else post a screenshot of tags on one of their posts (in a separate post, to disagree with them) and almost reblogged it, but then realized that would spread it further around the circle and would feel like bullying to me because it was all being said behind their back. Then my dumbass went and did something that fostered an even more potentially harmful environment for another person... by doing the same thing on the actual post. To my knowledge, I don't believe anyone retaliated directly against the person in question through their mailbox or DMs (and if anyone did, I will lob a spear into your computer over wifi), but I created a potential that was very real for that to happen, and the actual outcome, where people were just shitting on them in my notes, was already bad enough. Just don't screenshot tags you don't like to talk about them, actually. Go to bed. Later on, maybe write your own post in your own words about the idea you saw that you didn't like (not the person who said the idea—the idea. The person is just a person). You'll have a clearer head then anyway and you'll be a lot more eloquent and level-headed.

If the joke you are telling by being snarky about someone's tags you screenshotted is "Haha now we are all mischaracterizing each other", don't go back 5 minutes later and tag what they said for biphobia. If you keep looking at what they said and find it offends you more and more because that's genuinely what you see in it regardless of what was intended, just delete your reblog. It isn’t like you’re having a fun time like you were 5 minutes ago. You are promoting something that makes you feel bad and you have figured out at least one reason why. Also, it will turn into accusations of someone being an evil irredeemable villain when other people pass it around to shit on the person for what they said and what you said about what they said and add more transgressions they committed to the list (see Part 2). If you believe something is intentionally and maliciously offensive (that wasn't the case here FYI) you still shouldn't put it on the dash imo because you'll be giving it a platform. You should block the person if you believe they're actually a bigoted asshole.

Remember that this is all media.

When an offended party's friend DMs you, and in the process of trying to defend their friend while extending an olive branch, actually hands you an olive branch full of spiders (i.e., saying more things that make you go 🙈) just don't respond and move on with your life. It isn't worth it. Tangentially: on the initial (before shit hit the fan) subject and everything you two have left me with as responses from the thread of the initial subject... I won't respond any further about our differing analysis, because I can tell you for a fact it won't be productive. Based on what has been said so far, and how each successive argument that has been brought up included more things that I vehemently disagree with in terms of how it frames a person's lived experiences and issues and how they define a person's value... we simply shouldn't continue talking about it. That doesn't mean I think you're bad people, but it does mean the conversation will only come with more bad vibes for all of us and more hurt feelings. Once again: sorry for being a flaming jackass.

[ghostofbrock]

venomous words

on a rainy afternoon in new jersey, the kids didn't have an option to go outside or not since they knew how strict their mother was on days like this and how their father would react if he saw mud tracked into the house. they'd be toast with the chancla.

so ellie played with her barbie dolls on the carpet in the living room floor with a small smile on her face, giovanni sat on the couch and watched over his baby sister while trying to look for something to watch in netflix, specifically a movie. luke and auggie were upstairs in their room playing whatever the newer generation was into. the two boys were in sweats that had crumbs on them since the boys were munching on potato chips as they played their game. their mother had just arrived from long and stressful day at work, she sat in her car for a minute or two to collect herself before entering her home where her babies and husband would be waiting for arrival. well maybe just her babies... once again.

she covered herself with her purple umbrella since it was pouring rain as she got out her car, closed the door and locked it before walking to her front porch that wrapped around the house. she closed her umbrella as soon as she was covered by the porch's roof. she grabbed her house key out of her pocket and opened her door.

"mom's home!"

she hasn't stepped foot into her home and she was already called out by her kids. luke and auggie jumped out their beds and ran downstairs as soon as they heard their older brother yell. ellie dropped her doll and skipped over to her mommy as gio stood up from the couch and walked over to her.

as sara closed the door behind her and turned around, she was attacked by hugs all over her body. from her thighs to her shoulders, her children had her trapped in a loving hug.

after she kissed them each and asked about how their day went, they went back to what they were doing before she came home. later they were expecting a home cooked meal that she always provided for them since mattia rarely cooked for them nowadays and sara didn't like having her kids eating fast food all the time either for their health. at times it was acceptable but if they didn't need to eat it then they wouldn't.

sara was now sitting at the island that was in the kitchen, she opened the bottled water she grabbed from the fridge and took a sip.

"how was work?" her oldest son's voice came from behind her. he walked from behind her to next to her and leaned against the marble island. "stressful. overwhelming. busy. i don't know how i'm gonna do it..." she rubs her temples with a groan. "don't over work yourself, ma. you got this, you always do." gio rubs his moms shoulder softly and flashed her a smile. a smile that made her feel better and made her smile.

"i know it's just that i wanna do as much as i can for this project. i've worked my ass off for years for this to finally happen and i'm so close. only a few more months of ridiculous amount of stress then i'll have my own clothing line." a weak smile formed on her lips, gio's heart swells at the sight. he knows how much his mom has been wanting this but he also knows how much she can overwork herself.

"isn't dad helping you with any of it? he said he would, right?" gio asked with his mother with hope as she took another sip of her water. "uh yeah. he is but there's certain things he can't help with." she gave her son a tight smile laced with lies.

truth is mattia hadn't even talked to sara about her huge project that she has been working on for over a year now. he thinks his wife can do it herself because of how strong she is but little did he know how weak she was getting from handling everything by herself. she was never the one to ask for help but this time she did ask for help from her husband but his answer?

"you're being dramatic"

so she never asked again and instead asked her close friends who were of course open to help with anything she needed. she knew that the kids had brought up the project while they talked to mattia recently either at dinner or something similar. and being the good father mattia is he had to lie because he knew if his kids found out their parents weren't helping each other out then they'd question why and jump to conclusions which leads to arguments and picking "sides".

"oh yeah. i've been helping her with scheduling everything and keeping the tabloids updated. she's not as stress thanks to me."

sara would just simply nod and give a small nod to the kids and glare at mattia who just rolled his eyes at her.

"like what?" gio asked. "it's personal business stuff, g. don't worry about it, okay? i'll be fine. but did your dad take you guys out for breakfast like he said he would?" she changed the subject with a smile.

gio avoided eye contact with her which she automatically meant no.

"h-he just forgot. that's all." he stuttered a bit. sara tried to remain as calm as she could. she didn't want to lash out in front of her baby and took a mental note to talk to mattia tonight about not taking the kids out for breakfast.

"you don't have to lie to me, ya know? i won't get mad at him." she sighed and gave her son a reassuring look. "when i woke up this morning he wasn't here. he sent me a text as well saying that something came up and he had to go meet up with his manager for a gig." he simply explains. "so i made breakfast for us instead and lunch too. he sent us money for post mates but i was just mad-" he stopped himself from venting to his mother about his father.

"i didn't use the money. that's all." he shrugs as sara looks at him with sympathy.

"he promised me that he'd try hard for us. to try being more involved... why would he lie?" gio claps his hands together. "sometimes work gets in the way of things, honey. trust me if he could clear his schedule for a whole week just to be with us he would, okay?" the fact that sara was defending mattia wasn't something she wanted to do.

she had to because she didn't want her son to think bad about his own father, she was trying to protect at least both of them.

after their little conversation sara made dinner while the kids were being entertained by the activities they were doing before she got home. as sara looked over at the clock, she sighed.

it was seven o' clock and mattia still wasn't home. usually he'd send his wife a text saying that he was going to be home late but when sara checked her phone she had no new messages. the kids were now sitting at the table with their mother. she sneaked a quick text to mattia before eating with her babies.

sara: are you on your way yet?

she got no response after she sent it. she called twice and still nothing. she was beyond livid at this point. first, he didn't take the kids out for the day, then he doesn't respond to her text or calls her back? this was the third time this month that this occurred. she didn't show it but she was pissed off at dinner and while she tucked this kids into bed.

"is daddy gonna tuck me in too?" ellie asked as she held onto her stuffed giraffe. "yes, baby. of course. when he gets home i'll tell him to come and give you a kiss, okay?" sara's soft voice said as she placed a strand of hair behind her ear. ellie simply smiled at her mother.

"goodnight, angel. te amo." sara kisses ellie's nose. "buenas noches, mommy. te amo mas." the two giggled. once sara finishes tucking in her kids, she goes to her bathroom to take a shower. she then changed into some house shorts and one of mattia's shirts that fit her like a dress.

she went to the living room and ate ice cream as she watched good girls. without even knowing it, she fell asleep on the couch. she was woken up by someone whispering her name softly and rubbing her cheek gently with their palm.

she opened her eyes to see mattia with a smile. oh how much she wanted to wipe that stupid smile off his stupid face.

"did you make dinner?" he questions her. "yeah. we ate already so i put your plate in the fridge. now if you excuse me i'm going to bed." she was too tired to deal with him right now. she would have to be up bright and early tomorrow for meetings and such so she just didn't want to argue with her husband right now.

she got up from the couch and tried walking away but mattia reached out for her hand to stop her.

"you guys didn't wait for me? what happened to family dinners?" he asks with a pout as he held her hand. she quickly glanced at the clock on the wall for a time check.

2:34 a.m.

"i was not gonna wait till now to eat with you and neither were the kids, mattia. family dinners means that everyone has to be here at reasonable times." she sighs and glares at him. "where were you anyways, mattia? it's past midnight and you barely got home." she questions quickly and changed the subject.

"i was out. it's not a big deal, babe." he scoffs at her.

"not a big deal? if it's not a big deal then why can't you tell me where you were?" she remarked quickly and crossed her arms over her chest.

mattia gives her a look, as if she was crazy or something. all she wanted to know was where he was at, what was so hard about that?

he started walking to the kitchen, sara quickly followed him.

"sara, i've had a long day. please don't start with me right now..." he huffs as he opens the fridge and grabs his plate of cold food. "says the guy who comes home late smelling like alcohol and cigarettes." she looks at him from across the island.

"i didn't do shit! all i did was go to a bar with alejandro and alvaro after i finished my meetings. they drank but i didn't because i knew you'd react like this and treat me like some kid!" he was getting frustrated with her at this point, he showed it by banging his fist on the island. his breath reeked of alcohol so she was even more pissed off that he was lying to her about drinking.

"all i wanted to do was come home to my wife and kids. a nice home cooked meal and after the kids go to bed and we all settle down, maybe some good sex with my wife but i can't have that can't i? ever since you've gotten this attitude all you ever do is complain! you're on bitch mood twenty four seven, sara!" he was now raising his voice at her.

sara had no energy to argue with him right now. literally nothing left. she had a long day, she just wanted to sleep. she looked at him with tired eyes, she scanned his facial expression and saw the anger he always had all of a sudden now. right now she ignored it and walked away, but he didn't let her.

"where the fuck are you going?" he turned her around a little bit too rough. "to bed, mattia! i'm too tired to deal with your bullshit right now." she stated as she tried not to yell at him.

"whatever. go ahead, walk away. that's all you're good at since you can't do anything right. you definitely can't be a good wife." his words felt like knives. she felt like her heart was getting stabbed completely, over and over again.

she walked off, pretending that what he just said didn't phase her and went upstairs quietly so she wouldn't wake the kids.

little did she know, gio was hiding behind a pillar near the stairs where he heard everything.

she went to the room which she shared with her "husband" and jumped into bed. she laid in bed for a minute, thinking about what mattia said. his words repeating in her head like that one song that could never get out of your head.

"you definitely can't be a good wife."

those venomous words scared her pretty much. she couldn't believe he said that... why would he say that? was she really not a good wife? what was she doing that made her so horrible to him? was it the kisses? was it her cooking? was it her looks? was it the sex? the constant need of having him around? what was it?

whatever it was made her feel like she wasn't good enough which was not the case.

sara was always good enough.

she cried herself to sleep that night. and hours later she felt his presence next to her body, his arms wrapped around her keeping her warm but it didn't make her feel loved like it usually did. no, she had a different feeling. she felt like she was in bed with a stranger. why was she feeling this way? shouldn't she be happy that he was still willing to sleep in the same bed with her?

all the questions she thought of made her feel more insecure, not about herself but about her marriage with the man she loved so much. the last thing she wanted was to lose him, it would ruin her.

she hopes for an apology of some sort. perhaps a date to make it up, she'd be willing to forgive him. she knows he lied about not drinking, mattia could never say no to not have a beer or three with the boys. he wasn't thinking straight, she knows her husband too well.

he just didn't want to admit that he was drinking because he didn't want to feel more guilt than he was already feeling since he missed out on dinner.

so the next morning she was woken up by the smell of pancakes and bacon. she went downstairs and saw gio and mattia cooking at the stove, auggie and ellie coloring on the table while luke looked sleep deprived as he walked into the kitchen with his mom.

"morning, amor." mattia walks over to her holding a plate of stacked pancakes with all the works. he bends down a bit to kiss her oh so sweetly, they both smile into the kiss. "i handled everything you needed to do today so we can all spend quality family time and to start off the day i thought of making breakfast." he hands her the plate where she takes it and sits at the table. once everyone is served the all began to eat.

"you have to cook more, pop. these smack!" auggie speaks as he licks his lips. "maybe i will." mattia laughs as he looks over at his son. "how'd you sleep, ma?" gio asked simply. the way he asked her sounded like he knew something (which he did since he heard what his father told his mom last night) but no one thought too much of it.

"good, baby." she lied with a smile. gio could tell that she was lying but he wasn't going to confront her about eavesdropping on her and mattia.

they all ate breakfast in peace and with joy. gio couldn't stop looking at his mom and dad. especially, his mom since she seemed so happy. didn't mattia's drunk words hurt her? was she really pretending that nothing happened between her and her husband? he couldn't believe she was still protecting mattia after what he told her.

"what's up with you?" luke nudges his older brother's elbow slightly. "what?" was gio's response. "you keep on staring at mom. i get that she's beautiful but it's starting to look weird now. quit it." luke let out a dry chuckle after he spoke.

gio just rolled his eyes and finished his breakfast. once the family finished eating they were told to get ready for a day out. mattia said that he'd be taking them out to the carnival since it happened to be in town.

"hey, can we talk?" mattia closed the door behind him as he walked into his bedroom. sara was sitting at her vanity deciding what necklace to wear that she had in her jewelry box.

"yeah, what's up?" she nods and turns her body to face him. he sits in the edge of their bed as she sat across from him in her spinning stool.

"first off, i want to apologize for last night. i know i should've gave you a heads up about dinner and coming home late. yes, i did drink and i didn't mean any of what i said. i was drunk and stupid. i'm sorry, mamas." he gave a look filled with guilt and he really didn't mean those things that he told her last night.

"tia... i accept your apology, okay? you just had me worried because you weren't texting or calling me back. and i just had a stressful day overall yesterday." she sighed. "i know, baby. you shouldn't be overworking yourself either. i also took the liberty of organizing all of your meetings and handling the little things for your project. i know you've wanted this for the longest time and i hate to see you so worrisome about the little things, babe. i wanted to help you." he explains which made her heart feel a certain way. only he was able to give her that feeling as crazy as it sounds.

"i really do have the best husband in the world, huh?" she giggles. "and i have the best wife ever. being all sexy and shit." he winks at her which makes her blush.

"come give me a kiss." he adds and she obeys. she gets up from her chair and straddles mattia's lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and plays with his hair. she dips her head down, he catches her lips with his own. the kiss was soft and sweet, all of their worries seemed to wash away. almost as if all their problems went away as well... boy were they in for it.

[coffee-bat]

oh, oh geez-

i should have stated it more clearly, oh god- i mentioned in the tags of a post i made earlier today that i managed to get back home-

thank you so much. all of what you said is REALLY good advice, and pretty much what was going on in my head when i was there-

(i ended up writing a LONG vent about the hospital, so i'm gonna put a read more here, sorry)

[[MORE]]

i spent a bit over 24 hours there (thankfully only that long). the first few hours, i was panicked- i could barely breathe and the smoke stang my eyes, i had a migraine and no water to swallow painkillers, on top of that i was on period and with no easy bathroom access (it was in the "actual" psych ward down the corridor, meaning i had to be let out of my current room (which was locked at all times), led to the ward entrance (locked too), let in, let to go to the bathroom, and then repeat the same procedure to go back, which sucked)- i was close to attempting escape. like at some point i almost fully decided that the moment someone opens the door to check in on us, i'm fucking running. the only thing that stopped me was that if they ended up catching me, i'd be labeled a nutcase and given even less opportunity to escape. that, and it was below zero degrees outside, i don't know where i'd wait for mom to pick me up. so i decided to wait. stay by the door, where there was a small gap under it, so there was a bit of fresh air, and wait.

i was taken there involuntarily- mom and i had an argument that, as usual, triggered an episode for me, and i ended up cutting both my inner arms (usually i only do the left one, and avoid the inner side). mom decided that she's calling the ambulance on me (two days prior i received an asylum referral that was supposed to be up to my decision), which just left me a bit of time to pack my stuff. the ambulance came, the paramedics were angry that they were called despite me "having barely scratched myself" (thanks, i'll try harder next time), but ended up taking me. i was supposed to go to a respectable asylum in the city (which i currently live 30km away from, but it's the capital of the voivodeship), but it turned out to be closed due to having a covid case, so i was taken to a shithole hospital in a town closer to my house. terrible idea. it was a normal hospital with a psych ward in it, instead of full-on mental hospital, which y'know, tends to go with how they're treating you. so i was put there, without my consent, locked into a small room with two grown men and an older woman, all of them smoking.

the roommates were really anxiety-inducing, honestly. like to the point where i was scared to fall asleep (ending up putting my phone and wallet under my pillow every time). the men were both drunks, and the woman seemed to be too. on top of that, the woman was an ACTUAL nutcase. no idea what was up with her, honestly, but it was nerve-wracking. she didn't know what town she was in, didn't know why she was here, seemed to have some point of memory loss, as she asked me for cigs multiple times, and was suprised when i responded that i don't smoke literally everytime, would talk to herself constantly, at some point started yelling "MOOOM. MAMAA!" out of nowhere- she wasn't aggressive or anything, but it's honestly really scary to be locked with someone you don't understand nor can predict. i felt sorry for her. the men spoke mostly in swear words (the famous "kurwa"s), stared at me weirdly, mostly walked around and smoked. no nurse would listen to me when i tried to explain that 1) i'm scared 2) i can't fucking breathe, why the fuck is noone doing anything about them smoking indoors.

i was shortly talked with by doctors a total of two times- the first one was on the day i was put there, she interviewed me shortly and proceeded to give me sedatives because i was shaking and stress-stimming. in consequence i passed out and slept for three hours, then was really unsure on my feet for the rest of the day. noone listened when i tried to mention that i seem to have reacted badly to the meds. which is to be expected, but y'know. sucks when you have to constantly hold onto something when walking/standing and everyone is pretending it's fine, because they just don't care.

i did my best to keep a calm demeanor through all the time i was there, so i would have bigger chances of being let out- and apparently succeeded, as in the "doctor's description" in the document they gave me upon leaving, i was described as "calm, level-headed and aware". which is nice, as they kept questioning me to check if i'm a nutcase or not ("what year is it? do you know where you are? why are you here? what's your name?"), which was real fucking annoying. i also kept insisting in all the minor check-ins that i should be let out. in my second doctor visit, in the morning of my second day there, i was finally asked "if i think staying would be beneficial for me", and i said fuck no (in the calmest and most level-headed way possible). they asked me a few more times, and when my response didn't change over the course of a few hours, they finally agreed to discharge me, and i called mom to pick me up.

mom was the one who put me there, but when i vented to her about the conditions, she agreed that i have to do anything to be discharged, and she'll pick me up. dad knew too, but he doesn't have a car, so he couldn't really do anything. that, and i'm legally an adult (even if they didn't treat me as such), so i can't really depend on my parents in situations like this. so i was kinda alone in the struggle.

the physical conditions were obviously horrible. it was cold (snowing outside), the room was dirty, i had no privacy or way to hide from the men, so i ended up just not changing. the only food i was given was dry bread with green-ish ham and a small apple (supper) and dry bread with cheese that smelled highly suspicious and a one (1) inch wide piece of bell pepper. so i ended up eating dry bread and the fruit/vegetables. they gave us plastic cups, and there was a sink, so at least i had a way to drink. the water left sediment in my mouth, but it was still something.

the bathroom situation was fucking ridiculous. on top of having to be let out to go there, there was obviously no toilet paper, cause what did i expect. when i was woken up in the morning to go to the other doctor, i practically begged to be allowed to go to the bathroom first. they denied, so i asserted my dominance by bleeding on the therapist chair (and ruining a pair of pants).

so yeah, tl;dr: mental hospitals suck, especially when they're in underfounded shitholes.

(bonus: pictures of my room to illustrate my points: )