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I GOT MY FERNIFLY!!!!!!
#i was just about to try and trade for one (scary. never traded before)#but then i remembered i had just found a photovore token#so out loud while in the trade realm I said I'm only here for this creature#and i rolled and GOT IT!!!#so happy you have no idea#I'm naming it goobs and I'm gonna make it pretty
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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Just when I think the day's going well, I crash a golf cart
#summer camp tag#ace is a mess#i do not have a drivers license and i havent even been behind the wheel in like 4 years since i stopped lessons cus of the pandemic#the day was going fine i got loads done didnt feel like i was irritating my director too bad#doing some paperwork for her and she says when im done well take the golf cart out while its not currently raining#im like ooh fun never been in a golf cart before i see the higher up staff in them im not gonna say no to chilling in a golf cart#i did not realise that meant i would be driving esp when she asked if id been in one before and i said no#she then asked if i could drive and i said not really thought that would be it#cus i was supposed to be studying for my theory before working towards my practical#but no she insists im driving and first off i gotta reverse outta this bay now at least i didnt have to think about gears#but i hate tryna figure out how to turn whilst in reverse in mess with my brain im not great with shape visualisation#we do all our stops its fine for the most part a lil too fast going down some of the hills#and some tight turns but my turns were always like that cus im too busy focusing on the most immediate thing#we get back i park fine and then shes like oh actually there are some more stops we can make so i reverse and turn back out#do our two stops with only minimal confusion about direction then as i go to park into the bay we came from#shes like oh actually park in the bay closest to the health centre and what i should have done was reversed and adjusted my angle#instead i drove directly into the supporting beam separating the two bays 🙃😭#i immediately turn the cart off and expect her to switch with me instead shes like laughing it off oh it was just a little bump it was fine#im like it was not that was a loud ass bang i feel so bad and then she lifts up the light cover i broke off saying its just a scratch#and i feel worse so pf course thats when the camp director comes out to check on the noise and i dont think ive ever worn a guiltier look#but theyre both laughing it off oh just having a little driving lesson :) and i am mortified#she gets back in the cart and shes still insisting that its fine and i should still park after that which i do with great trepidation#but there are no more problems and the lights still work but the cover does need fixing and i just oh my god#ive never crashed before never clipped or scratched a car so of course id crash the golf cart trying to park of all things 😭
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#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags#cw personal#once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says#THEY don't#they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government??????????????#so there's still some kind of payment???#anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated#like will she take my insurance or not who's right here#anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now#why the hell is this so hard man#the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain#once again no one knows what they're talking about#like can y'all not communicate and figure this out?#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds#and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover#*contracted#not retyping all of that#and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim#and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart#and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that>#UGH#like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles#the bureaucracy is INSANE#i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second#and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on'#uGH#literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times#like not on the phone after I hung up obvs
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Belos: I’m going to raise Luz as my daughter and ensure that she remains pure and loyal to me.
Also Belos: I’m going to let the 7-years-old clone of my brother take care of her I’m sure he’ll be able to do that.
you joke but thats LITERALLY his entire thought process at first. he's so isolated and arrogant that he couldnt possibly comprehend the idea that luz wouldnt see him as her father despite the fact he literally told hunter he was going to be her older brother and never once encouraged hunter to see him as anything but an uncle.
i attribute this to the fact that philip is an orphan who only ever knew his blood brother as his only caretaker, so he sorta took having a brother for granted and didn't realize that was something you could want rather than something that just Is.
(also caleb was the only person philip ever truly knew + loved and even well into his 300s he never once picked up a child psychology book and realized that Perhaps His Worldview Was Skewed Because Of That.)
he literally like. could not comprehend the idea that you could even choose your own family outside of like. being adopted by someone. thats the other thing with him being so annoyingly christian in this AU, he was taught that your blood family (esp yr parents) is always the most important thing in your life & you should always be grateful to them no matter what.
(this is another factor into why he keeps making grimwalkers. in his own twisted viewpoint, it's him giving caleb another chance. and another. and another-- at least in this specific characterization of him.)
philip thought that him adopting luz would mean she would immediately be eternally grateful to him and call him father and the whole nine yards. but he forget to actually express that expectation until it was too late (aka until he heard her call him uncle for the first time)
honestly, hes not MAD about it. he's just sorta :( about it bcus hes not actually insane and can still logically think like "she did say she had just lost her real father to an illness its perfectly reasonable for her to not want to replace him" (he doesnt think it outloud but he also enjoys living thru her vicariously
but also later on as she gets older it gets to a point where he's like "ok its been years now why isnt she trying to replace him yet" bcus he thinks its a normal + healthy part of the grieving process to replace the person you lost (figuratively or, in his case, Literally)
#qna#anonymous#little lamb au#toh#also luz is sort of catholic in this AU bcus she was raised like that#as in camila + manny would take her to church on sundays and she did sunday school sometimes and they'd encourage her to pray#but they never like. enforced it on her. it was more of a cultural thing for all three of them than a spiritual thing.#but belos is DELIGHTED when he hears baby luz praying out loud before bed on her first night in the castle#he tries to casually ask her about it like 'what is this God can you explain it to him'#but then as he listens to her little five year old explanation of God and Jesus she drops enough hints to make him realize#'Oh Good Lord She's Fucking CATHOLIC?'#'god truly is testing me by guiding this lamb into my care but no matter. no child is beyond redemption'#cue belos trying to push her more towards protestantism by attempting to have religious debates with a fucking. five year old#who has no concept of religion beyond 'jesus died for my sins which means i shouldnt lie to my abuela about taking an extra empanada'#sorry i love belos forgetting that religion exists up until luz arrives in the demon realm#and then he realizes Oh Fuck Thats Right. Im Doing This For God & Jesus Not Just For Fun#and then suddenly remembers everything his pastor from 400 years ago ever said to him
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Chris Harms at Gefragt – Gejagt | The Chase A Tragedy in 3 Acts
#chris harms#lord of the lost#lotl#queue are not the bug queue are the patch#sorry for the gif spam everyone but this was so hard to choose from. way too many good moments.#like when he knew the answer to the first question and said it out loud before the chaser had even picked her answer#or like twenty of his extremely displeased facial expressions. like at all the times the host alexander bommes called him 'Quiz Harms'.#biggest respect to bommes tho. have never seen someone be so immune to chris's charm. or maybe that cold shoulder was just him flirting bac#this is all light-hearted of course. chris did a great job. but he was also too fun to watch#some of these are actual quotes btw ... i let you guess which ones ;)#if anyone wants to see the whole show: the link is in the description. chris is there between 52:12 and 1:21:12#(the moment the tumblr tags work properly for once will be the happiest day of my life)
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I think I have maybe decided to tell someone I no longer want to be friends with them, but I'm wondering if I should give it a few more days before I commit to it
#anthill#pretty much everyone except the one mutual friend I have with this person has said I should#the one friend said that what she did was shitty and could I understand if I did#but also thinks that it is something that we could maybe work from#I'm not really asking for advice I'm just processing my feelings out loud#I kind of had a revelation about boundaries today#and I've been really blaming myself for not being firm on mine and letting this person cross an emotional boundary#but that doesn't exist in a vacuum#I can say no to things and often do#its when substances or I guess in this case horniness is involved that creates problems#if she were completely platonically cuddling I would have said no to anything further#but with reasonably doubt adjusting positions turned into active grinding#and when she asked if she could touch me further I said but that will turn me on so idk#it wasn't an enthusiastic consent#which she only got after continously grinding on me#and like the situation that my ptsd is like hey this is just like this other time#involved someone asking to make out 3 times which I said no to consecutively until they got me crossfaded#its not a not setting boundaries problem so mu h as not recognizing patterns of behavior that people employ#until they can dubiously get my consent#and needing to learn those patterns#also saying 'be firm on your boundaries' is about as helpful as saying 'don't be anxious'#like wow! I've never thought of that before! youre a vissionary thank you!#like I don't blame myself enough.
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okay so various headcanon rambling here quick about Zana cause she's my kiddo and I love her
I've been playing with the idea of her being bilingual for a while but couldn't quite decide on like, what that second language's irl equivalent would be? like Ishgard and French, I couldn't decide what language would work well for Ala Mhigo imo but I think for the time being I'll settle on Turkish, as suggested by my husband
that being said I've been recently reminded that the Echo just -- translates language for you??? and Zana suddenly gets the Echo in post ShB so what a TRIP that has to be
I don't even know which language it would translate into for her?? both, randomly, dependent on how she's thinking that day?? kid is gonna be going through it fr lmao
#like I'm not even bilingual - well now fluently - but will still randomly and on accident say an entire sentence in Spanish out loud#and then have to translate back to myself to remember what the fuck I just said#and my sister will randomly speak Spanish around the house and I would never be able to translate what the fuck she just said#if I was actually thinking about it#but we'll carry on a convo between Spanish and English for a few minutes before I notice sometimes#I can only imagine how much weirder that gets when it's suddenly being translated in your head for you#language is so weird#ffxiv#ff14#tagging these rambles cause I wouldn't mind some headcanon sharing aha#love hearing other thoughts from yall
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one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.
canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#i'm doing page maintenance before i fuck off to work rip it's got me thinking#anyway i think i said WAY back on this blog that a side goal of mine is to make hellblazer lore accessible to non-comic readers where i can#bc it's such a Heavy comic & i love it so much & i always felt Terrible recommending it to people only for them to be disgusted#and like. @ past me that particular goal is NOT as easy as you thought it would be lmao#esp because i have a habit of getting VERY detail-oriented when it comes to talking about hellblazer i think#but by GOD it's still a goal. i can put in some motherfucking references here and there when i talk about The Lore#like. azzarello's writing style never translates well for me in synopsis bc he Loves to put the audience in the outside perspective#where we are bystanders/with the rest of the bystanders to constantine's actions and not to his motivations/inner monologue#and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior#all the things you can't say out loud when you're queer and working class trying to survive in 70s-80s-90s england#but that you FEEL with your WHOLE fucking chest. how that feeling drives you to enjoy little rebellions wherever you can get them#(also azzarello just fucking Sucks LMAO but i'm talking style rn)#so i end up relying on frusin's art to tell the story a little more bc i think he understands the Theatre of constantine's public persona#and when that theatre is Absent then it's really REALLY noticeable. so frusin keeps me in it most of the time#and if i'm digging into frusin art then i'm Going to want to compare it to older panels bc i like body language consistency#milligan on the other hand has NOTHING to save his sorry ass bc his writing is drop-jaw fucking terrible AND the artist seems to like it#but the loss of john's thumb being tied to his mental health (ignoring the bullshit with shade) has always felt. important to me somehow id#anyway MUCH thinking about my favorite loser on this about-to-be-annoying day shdjksd he has been done so dirty#hellblazer brain go brrrr
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ummm okay so people at work were talking about pride month again
and someone said “everyone here is gay, only *name*, *name*, and grace aren’t” and i’ll tell you- the face I made (that I think only one person saw) was probably so incredibly telling lmao but idc because wtfff and yeah :/
#aroace#grace is dramatic#I have never ever said i’m straight or talked about dating there aaahhh whyyyy it’s painful :/#also realized this is the 5th year?!? i’ve (privately lol) celebrated pride month??#also does anyone remember when hayley kiyoko deemed 2018 '20gayteen*??#that was a wonderful time to be alive lmao I miss that#AAHH STORYTIME THAT HAPPENED IN THAT SAME CONVO-#also a manger took a picture of a product to send to a chef#*manager#but it was a live photo….#and it caught someone saying something I can’t totally remember like ‘something something and the queers are here!’#and they realized AFTER they sent it to the boss and everyone was DYING LAUGHING#some people were actually kneeling down on the floor laughing#also the chef it was sent to us also gay lmao so it’s fine no matter what but it was so funny bc the audio was so clear and loud and obvious#anyways#I had to get this out of my brain before I slept#and now I must sleep#go to sleep grace
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i bet you think about me is so regulily fr
#like.. specifically thinking about a famous singer!lily au where her and regulus used to date#but he broke up with her as she got more popular as his family found out about it and he was too scared about getting disowned and stuff#so he listened to his parents and broke up with her and mentally tried to make himself distanced so he would actually be able to do it#and then lily writes the song about him#i mean tbh it also works with just. usual them. like them dating in school but his parents make him bw a deatheater#so he breaks up with her before even telling her about it because he knows she'd break up with him as soon as he does#like. “you grew up in a silver spoon gated community.. i was raised on a farm. no it wasn't a mansion.”#“reality crept it. you said we're too different”#“i don't have to be a shrink to know you'll never be happy. and i bet you think about me.”#“oh block it all out. the voices so loud saying why did you let her go?”#“chasing make believe status. last time you felt free was when none of that shit mattered cause you were with me.”#“it turns out im harder to forget than i was to leave. yeah i bet you think about me.”#SO THEM FR FR#I PROMISE YOU ALL!!!#marauders era#marauders#regulily#lily evans#regulus black
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if yaz hadnt said anything and just let her walk away at the end of 11x1, how long do you think it would have taken 13 to find a new outfit?
#i bet. never?#not never but like. a long time#she IS still wearing the burned battlefield clothes she died in#like mentally thats where shes at until at Least villa diodati right? thats when she says it out loud#it's just the new outfit is sort of the pretense right?#faking it till you make it#and she does sorta make it. arguably. maybe. depends#but if yaz had felt nothing for her. like if the doctor had said im just tryna help people and yaz was like cool that doesnt resonate At Al#and had let her walk away#to find her tardis alone#i think it would have taken a long time before she changed out of those clothes#which maybe in some ways would be better bc time to process time to grieve etc#on the other hand with the way she was with tzim sha she mightve just gone alllllll wrong#completely inside out#like being the doctor For Them is the only thing that keeps her grounded in timeless children#imagine timeless children where shes still wearing the clothes of the last confrontation#the master is restaging the whole cyberman death join me thing and Shes Still In Those Clothes#losingm y mind a little abt it#dont know if she'd have done it then. but i do think they'd have got a very cathartic fight out of it
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this dream is kind of on and off because of my decaying attention span but i wanna create cute mascots for companies
#like ….. i could do that !!!#designing something AND making something cute at the same time#i’m not sure how many companies need mascots though….#unless i become famous and people want me to design for them so they can have that brand seal lolol#txt#and i realised ive literally never said this out loud before
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Round of applause for Alex, I’m going to bed before 1am 👏👏👏👏
#well after I put on my pyjama it will probably be 1am but that’s still great for me jcndjdnd#will I fell asleep before 4 am though ? still have to found out 🤪#please wish me luck im’ exhausted my body is in ruin#also please send someone to beat up my neighbours if they start playing their music before 11am#cause they are capable of doing so and you are all probably aware of how loud they fucking are I said it enough time 😭#i hate them so much#they probably gonna make me up at 11 like all day this week cause idk what they are doing but it’s like they are dropping a bowling ball#every 5 minute in the room above me I’m tired#you probably think i exaggerate but I’m not i never met anyone as loud as they are I can’t even believe it myself#my dad had enough and left a note on their door translated cause they woke up my mom at like 6-7am the same way to the point she yelled and#hit the ceiling which we never done cause we don’t want problems we want peace 😭#but if they still continue to be as loud it’s gonna be a call to the landlord cause the neighbour above them is also tired of the music#and if we call the landlord they will be force to move out cause it’s their 3rd warning since they moved here 😅#and they only moved her in like April ??? pretty sure the previous one moved in April idk but I miss him so much I want him back 💔#anyway Goodnight it’s gonna turn 1 am in 5 minutes love y’all 💓#well fast edit they are doing right what they are doing on the morning so I don’t think I’ll be sleeping for a while unless the fact#that I’m exhausted take control of my body 🤪#I jumped 3 times in 5 minutes 🤪#alex.txt
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HAH MNAF 3 Time babeyyyy! Featuring the worlds LONGEST park tour
#author living up to their name#mnaf#cringe is dead i wanna go nuts about my own writing#cant believe will has never had a corndog before#i mean i know why#but still#he just said that out loud to two idiots who just got out of college and practically Lived off of quick microwavable foods#they are shook#and also too busy fighting to realise something is horribly wrong#but they are the protagonists and if they were smart none of this would have happened sooo#i may draw something for this idk
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not a vague post at all but it's interesting to see this conversation of ... fandom being dead or whatever bc... ive been on tumblr since 2011 and i've never seen such an interest boom as during the pandemic. and normally i chalk this new deadness up to us all going back to work/the fact i don't truly understand what fandom was like "back in the day" bc i was a teenager who mostly just read stuff.
but at the same time... i wonder, really how much has ACTUALLY changed and died and how many new things + expectations + functions have been created from this recent surge?
it's so interesting to me bc a couple months ago i reached out to an overwatch reader insert account i followed back in... 2016? maybe. and spoke to them just like i'd send anyone an ask, asking how they were, if they had any writing plans coming up and saying i missed them. and they never responded, which was fine honestly.... but what i found a little baffling was that they went on to say they still accepted requests? and still wanted to run their account the same way they did back in 2016????
(it truly felt so alien. i was like... we're people now!!! we talk to each other now!!!!!!!!!!!!)
and that isn't to say anything in particular, but i feel like things have changed since then... at the same this request system has spoiled some readers with the notion they can ask for what they want and receive it... seems like some writers have also been tainted by the expectation that people should like everything they post. it's hard to express, but it feels like one of those snakes that's eating itself ... wanting a certain amount of praise for doing things u "technically" enjoy doing.
which isn't to say it's reasonable to ignore fandom writers or demand things on the other hand (it's not)... but i guess a lot of functions here have changed now?
and tho fandom has always been alive and well, communities can def run their courses and get smaller and more........ dead, as shows progress or end or take hiatuses and interest wanes naturally....
and tho i don't remember the point i was trying to make, i just wonder how much of this is a natural decline that's being clung to irrationally. i miss having a large community too. fanfic writers deserve the utmost of praise for the care and dedication they put into their work. but setting urself up for disappointment... isn't anyone's fault. and blaming people for that isolates u from those you want supporting u. i have no idea.
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you know, i feel so inadequate bc i have such a lack of long fics and have a really hard time writing them (tho i do, just ... slowly and silently). but this is why i like answering to asks so much, bc the words of others inspire me (even if i've gotten a bit burnt out from my persona). and if this isn't u... you know, u write ur own stuff by urself, great!
but i feel like... in turn, this community is now in a transition stage (because we went from a community where everyone was having fun / getting asks + praise... to one that's smaller, isn't as buoyant or forgiving), and is readjusting itself to fit the new needs of writers, those who want to write their own complex ideas and those who need interaction to do so... and the readers that make both things possible finding their new places.
idk but... i think we're all relearning how to do this. and that shouldn't be blamed on anyone, regardless of feelings.
thanks for reading all of this if u did!! no need to comment or anything. and whatever if u didn't i don't mind <3
#imho#thinking out loud here i have no idea if im making the points i want to make#or if im even correct#but ive been in fandom communities that have died before and it happens#we find our way elsewhere. to where ppl recognize us. its alright#honestly i woulda left tumblr fandom but im gonna be here anyway on my main so why bother#back to the point tho. i think everyone is right and like cal said.. its abt being kind#and this isnt directed at anyone fyi#i hope u know i never say things with hateful intentions#caitie blabs#caitie rants
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