#I have strong negative breakdowns only once in a while

[katyspersonal]

Every grudge that wasn't resolved is hurting at once like scars reacting to a bad weather no matter how much I try to just get distracted with irl activities or something positive, and I don't have anyone to talk about it because people I trust with it are only available when I need to sleep or am at work. I wonder how much longer I can hold it inside before I erupt like a volcano and severity of my negativity leaves everyone within reach with permanent fear of approaching me with ten yards distance 🤔

[aihoshiino]

chapter 141 thoughts!

The usual reminder: because of the content of this arc, I will unavoidably have to discuss CSA and topics related to it in this & future chapter reviews. I do not discuss them in great detail, but if you very understandably just aren't in the headspace for that, no hard feelings - look after yourself and I'll see you next time.

This chapter starts us off on the note of answering something I've been wondering for a while and confirming that Ai did, in fact, know that Hikaru was being abused by Airi. On the one hand, this feels like it should go without saying, since it answers the question of where Aqua would have gotten some of this info, but it feels strange to have this dropped on us in such a matter of fact way.

In general, I continue to be both baffled and impressed by Oshi no Ko's dedication to never showing characters learning or reacting to huge, status-quo altering pieces of information on screen lol. I think this is more a case of the movie's framing than the manga's - hard cutting from the HKAI exchange at the end of last chapter to the Ai & Airi confrontation is very cinematically appropriate - but it does bother me regardless. In isolation, I think it's fine and we get more than enough information about Ai's thoughts and feelings on the situation in the confrontation but it's nevertheless part of a pattern that's been going on for a long while now of important reveals and reactions to really huge pieces of information are happening entirely offscreen and are only told to the viewer in retrospect, or are backfilled into the story once Akasaka wants to make use of it. It's not a world-ending flaw or anything but I'm noticing it more and more and I think it's been harming the series more than it's helping.

That said, I do really like this confrontation Ai has with Airi. It definitely feels more like Ai speaking for Aqua than it does Ai herself speaking - the cold, straightforward way she addresses Airi pretty clearly mirrors the way Aqua spoke to the director on Akane's behalf back in LoveNow. Whether this is a case of Aqua using Ai as a mouthpiece or their similarities as mother and son coming out in a moment like this, I think it's interesting either way. Given what we learned about Ai's own abuse and her own history with narrowly avoided CSA, it makes total sense that upon learning someone she cares about was being similarly exploited by an adult that she would have some very strong feelings about it.

Airi's meltdown in response is also something I have mixed feelings on. As a piece of characterization in isolation, it's fascinating and I think it provides some important insight into how and why Airi was able to rationalize and justify her abuse of Hikaru to herself, even though she clearly knows it was objectively wrong. I honestly can't help but see parallels in the way she centers her own feelings and pain and uses that as justification for her actions with Ayumi, Ai's mother, who had a more subdued but emotionally similar breakdown when talking about her history with her daughter.

Ultimately, I do feel it adds more than it takes away - I would much rather see the story continue to humanize characters who could otherwise have just been left as uncomplicatedly black and white Evil People Doing Bad Things. People very rarely begin acting in cruel, exploitative or antisocial ways out of nowhere and I think the manga's story is better for highlighting that this is the case.

H O W E V E R. . . where my feelings become more negative is the talk that follows, but I have like a million things to say about that so I'll put a pin in it for now to not derail too badly.

Given how Airi responds here, I'm also suddenly very curious as to if this direct confrontation was what put an end to her abuse of Hikaru. It's hard for me to imagine her going back to it after being so directly called out and if that's the case, I can't help but wonder if this was the trigger for the HKAI romance. I already talked last chapter that there's some imagery already implying Hikaru views Ai as his light, which OnK thematically associates with the role of a savior in someone's life. If Ai really did manage to intervene and protect Hikaru from Airi's abuse, then that would have intensified those feelings one hundredfold.

holy shit akane AND miyako are back! wow, isn't it totally crazy that across the arcs where they could have contributed to and potentially resolved the conflicts at play they were just totally absent but now they're just reappearing without comment or reaction to any of that other shit!

As I mentioned before, I have really mixed feelings on this scene with Miyako and the others. In isolation, I do like it and I think it kind of brings into explicit text something that had been just floating around as vibes before, which is how absolutely symbiotic with misogyny and sexual exploitation the entertainment industry is. The way misogyny played into Ai's exploration was always a really fascinating part of her arc to me, but given that Akasaka at least publicly presents as a person without that sort of lived experience, I was curious as to how much was intentional and how much was accidental, just because of how surprising it was to see a man centering this sort of thing so thoroughly in his writing. This scene with Miyako makes it clear that it's something Akasaka absolutely wants to highlight and discuss in Oshi no Ko, to the point of him being willing to call out even likable and sympathetic characters like Taiki for casually taking part in and perpetuating it.

THAT SAID… I really don't like that this scene, accidentally or otherwise, ends up centering and discussing Airi's victimhood over Hikaru's. His story has always been an indictment of the way children, specifically, are at risk in the entertainment industry not just in terms of being exploited as workers, but in the ways that adults in power can and will use their positions of authority to do exactly what Airi has done. That is what needed to be discussed here; the way that Hikaru's abuse is in no way an isolated incident and how people like Airi will continue to get away with hurting children so long as the industry - and society at large - treats children like second-class citizens at best and commodities at worst. I do think this scene is trying to use Airi and Miyako's experiences as a jumping off point to talk about exploitation in general and the way a person's ability to say 'no' can be compromised by outside pressures but it talks so much and so exclusively about the experiences of young girls and adult women specifically that it's hard not to read it as the story placing more value - at least for now - in exploring Airi's perspective over Hikaru's and that just feels kind of grody to me.

The timeline of this chapter is also just… really weird? Given Frill's, uh, appearance at the end of the chapter I have to assume it's taking place right after she films her scene with Aqua last chapter but that makes no sense given where the Ai and Airi confrontation is placed…? My best guess is that the scene we get at the start is some kind of visualization of the script by the characters who are reading it but it's all still very needlessly confusing lol

frill just barging in with her tits out when she knew rbkn were waiting for her was so fucking funny though i gotta admit. weird ass lizard woman.

Her mentioning it was her own decision to do the scene like that is also shrimptresting because it seems to implicitly confirm that there is, thank god, SOME kind of intimacy coordinator on set that the cast are talking about these scenes with. I actually also think the level of trust and comfort between Aqua and Frill this implies is also really interesting…? In general, I've always really like the idea of AQFR friendship, so this is kind of making me daydream a bit about seeing more of one…

As for the ending… man, it's such transparent reaction bait that I can't really summon the energy to get annoyed LOL. At least we won't have to wait a whole extra week to see what it amounts to.

Weary as I am with the reaction bait cliffhangers, I am at least glad to see the story coming around to finally addressing the elephant in the room here. As the chapter end text points out in the Japanese versions of this chapter, a scene like this was an inevitability of playing Ai and Hikaru and it's been where I've expected to see the underlying tension that's been floating around AQRB's relationship since the past life reveal finally get drawn out and addressed. Given its placement in the story (ch 142 is only the second chapter of its corresponding volume) and the framing of that last page as more of a gag/punchline than a serious dramatic beat, I don't things are quite going to play out like Ruby seems to want, but I'm nevertheless curious as to wtf is even going to happen

Honestly, at this point, I kind of just want Akasaka to shit or get off the pot. If he's going to bring a topic like incest to the table, then I want him to actually have something to say about it that isn't just Ruby going 'kyaa oniichan' and acting like a fanservice imouto character from a harem anime. If we're going to have something like 'Ruby falls in love with her brother' actually happen in story, then I want to see how she feels about this, how she rationalizes it, how she expects this to play out when she and Aqua live in a society that by and large condemns incest and treats it as taboo. At the very least, give me something to dig into and examine and chew on that wouldn't have already felt dated during the mid 2010s little sister boom.

[grailfinders]

Grailfinders Viewers' Choice #26: Nrvnqsr Chaos

today on Grailfinders, I’d say we’re due for a big ol’ storm of chaos! Nrvnqsr Chaos specifically, though you’ll have to forgive me if I simply call him Nero throughout the build- I’m not going to remember that alphabet soup of a name.

anyway, our dear friend Keysmash Chaos is an Aberrant Mind Sorcerer to pick up some spicier summons and some flexibility, as well as a Shepherd Druid for summoned beasts out the wazoo that can really pack a punch. check out his build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

Ancestry & Background

Nero was a human but now he’s chaos, which is a bunch of animals grafted together in a semi-humanoid shape. you could go Simic Hybrid here if you love the smell of fish, but since there’s no way in hell I’ll find another chance for this I’m going to make him a Plasmoid instead. that gives him +2 Charisma and +1 Constitution, as well as an Amorphous body type that lets you squeeze through small spaces and get advantage on making and escaping grapples. you also get Darkvision up to 60’, and can Hold Breath for up to an hour with no negative consequences. you’ve got 666 pairs of lungs, I’m sure it’ll all work out. your unique body plan also gives you a Natural Resistance against acid and poison damage as well as the poison condition, and you can Shape Self as an action to add or remove limbs and a head from your general shape, or use a bonus action to send a bit of you up to 10’ away in a little cord that can manipulate lightweight objects. chaos doesn’t keep a solid form, go figure.

you used to be part of a reclusive bunch of mages that threw themselves out of normal reality, so calling you a Hermit is pretty spot on. you get proficiency in Medicine and Arcana instead of religion bc I said so, and the Wandering Sea is definitely more about science/magic than gods. I’d argue your backround’s flavor feat Discovery is also pretty in-character for once since it gives you a reason you became goo to begin with, but it’s not totally necessary.

Ability Scores

nero’s highest score is his Charisma. his magic comes from inside, and I mean that literally. next is Wisdom, animals tend to have a high wisdom score, and you are animals. also, mind-controlling you is probably pretty hard given how many you have. third is Constitution, because you don’t die til your beasts do, and your beasts don’t die til you do. a real catch-666 here. this does make your Dexterity a little lower than I’m 100% comfortable giving a caster, but with a healing factor like yours getting out of the way isn’t an issue. your Intelligence is only average- you were smart, and probably still are, but your brain’s been getting eaten by wolves the last millennium, I wouldn’t bet too much on it. that means we’re dumping Strength, which feels weird for a super strong vampire, but we can patch that up with magic better than most other abilities.

Class Levels

1. Sorcerer 1: starting off as a sorcerer gets you proficiency with Constitution and Charisma saves. you can survive the eyes of death perception, which is definitely a high save DC for one of those. you also get proficiency in Intimidation and Insight checks. you have 600+ beasts inside you- that’s a lot of growling and a lot of eyes.

at level one your Aberrant Mind lets you use Telepathic Speech, linking up with a nearby creature for a couple minutes so you can speak with just your minds. you also gain Psionic Spells, which are kind of like a regular extended spell list, but you can swap these out with other divination or enchantment spells as you go. if we do that, we’ll be sure to bring it up.

speaking of, at level one you get Arms of Hadar and Mind Sliver which we’re keeping, but we’re swapping out Dissonant Whispers for Identify. you’ve been around a while, you know what magic is. you also get regular spells this level- Mage Hand lets you send out a lil bird to carry something light for you, Sword Burst flings claws everywhere for some cheap damage, Chill Touch deals damage and blocks healing, and Blade Ward lets you goop up to block the worst of incoming physical damage. for your leveled spells, Mage Armor is practically a necessity since it gives you an extra +3 to AC, and Catapult is nice too, letting you fling a nearby object at a creature, possibly damaging both in the process.

2. Sorcerer 2: second level sorcerers are a Font of Magic, which right now just means you can cast an extra 1st level spell each day by doing some rigamarole. a 1st level spell like Feather Fall perhaps. you’ve got a lot of birds in you, I’m sure they can help break your fall.

3. Sorcerer 3: at third level your font of magic actually becomes interesting, because you can use your sorcery points from that to make Metamagic, altering the effects of your spells to your liking. most of your summons are literally you pulling something out of you, so they’re pretty Subtle. subtle spells don’t require somatic or verbal components, so they’re a lot harder to counterspell too!  speaking of, those summons are basically animals when they’re not in you, so they last a while- an Extended spell can help with that, doubling the duration of whatever you cast.

you also get second level spells now! we’re swapping out Calm Emotions for Hold Person for your weak shitty eyes of enchantment, and Detect Thoughts. mortal mages can do that, and you’ve been around ten times as long, so I can’t imagine it’s that difficult for you. you also get Enhance Ability, giving you advantage on one kind of skill check for up to an hour. and all the options are flavored after animals, score!

4. Sorcerer 4: fourth level sorcerers get their first Ability Score Improvement, so bump up that Charisma for stronger spell, like the cantrip Infestation to sic bugs on people and Shatter to break shit! I think adding a swarm of poisonous insects to your chaos would probably bump you up to at least 6,666 beasts but I’ll allow them to all count as one.

5. Sorcerer 5: at fifth level, everything just kind of goes right for you thanks to your Magical Guidance- spend a sorcery point, re-roll a failed check. you’re a villain, so you have plot armor right up to the end of the story.

you also get third level spells- Haste lets you move fast enough to keep up with arcueid (probably), and your freebies Hunger of Hadar and Sending let you blast some goo to slow down enemies and chaos them to death, or use a cell phone. you were born in the 900s, an iphone might as well be magic to you.

6. Sorcerer 6: a sixth level weirdo gets Psionic Sorcery, so any of your psionic spells can now be cast purely through sorcery points, and doing so makes it subtle as well as allowing you to ignore material components unless they are spent by the spell. that’s important for later.

you also get Psychic Defenses, giving you resistance to psychic damage as well as charms and spooks. you have a lot of brains in there, it’s going to be hard to freak all of them out at once. which is good bc the rabbit one is always freaked out.

also you can finally eat people now! with Vampiric Touch, you can touch people and drain their life force, regaining half the damage you deal as HP!

7. Sorcerer 7: seventh level of a spellcaster means fourth level spells! as for nero, it’s Polymorphin’ time! now you can turn into a beast with a CR equal to your level or less for up to an hour, changing all your stats and basically giving you a big beast-shaped shield to your HP. you also get your new psionic spells, Evard’s Black Tentacles and Summon Aberration! the former’s basically hunger of hadar but again, and the latter’s our very first summoning spell for phantasmals! yeah it took a while to get going, but if putting animals in people was easy everyone’d be a furry already. don’t worry, we’ll speed things up next level.

8. Druid 1: bouncing over to druid gives you more Spells that you cast and prepare using your Wisdom. multiclassing spellcasters gets a lil complicated, so check the PHB to see what spell slots you have at any given time.

the important thing is you get Primal Savagery and Shillelagh, giving you more melee options to avoid having to punch people with your puny caster hands. you can further enhance your physicality with spells like Jump and Longstrider, or drag people into your chaos with Entangle. you even learn druidic! it’s a language!

9. Druid 2: at second level you get to enter the Circle of the Shepherd, which teaches you the Speech of the Woods. not only does it teach you Sylvan, famous for being a language, but you can talk to beasts now as well!

more excitingly, you can summon a Spirit Totem as a bonus action, bringing a phantasmal to the battlefield for up to a minute per short rest. you can pick between three options- the bear giving creatures you choose extra HP and advantage on strength checks and saves, the Hawk letting you grant advantage on an attack as a reaction and giving advantage freely to perception checks, and the Unicorn gives advantage on checks to find creatures and extra HP from healing spells.

to get even beastlier, you can now Wild Shape twice per short rest to turn into a beast without using a spell slot. the CR for this one is a lot more limited, but free HP is free HP. alternatively, you can do the more in-character thing and summon a Wild Companion, letting you spend a wild shape use to cast Find Familiar without materials. it’s not that strong, but a flying spy camera can be pretty useful.

10. Druid 3: if you need a long-distance helper, you can always use Animal Messenger or Beast Sense instead. the former will fursonally deliver a message to someone you describe, while the latter lets you see and hear through a beast for up to an hour, but without any control over what it does.

you can also Summon Beast which is nice. we’re still a ways away from mass chaos, but it’s a cheaper summon option.  hell, it’s honestly the better option for a fourth level spell slot anyway, unless you’re hyped about having a regenerating chaos.

11. Druid 4: at fourth level you can turn into CR 1 creatures that can swim thanks to your Wild Shape Improvement, and you can also use this ASI to bump up your Charisma and Wisdom to max out the former and set up the latter for later.

you also get another cantrip, so I say weaponize that pseudopod of yours with a Thorn Whip. it whips! it thorns!

12. Druid 5: the real reason we’re here is third level spells, and the only one I care about here is Conjure Animals. by using a third level spell slot, you can summon a single beast of CR 2, or twice as many by halving the CR, all the way to 8 CR ¼ beasts. it says the DM has the stats for whatever you summon, but tbh if you’re going to summon eight extra fighters every combat you should probably just bookmark your own PHB to help out.

13. Druid 6: one last pit stop before we head back to sorcerer- at level six shepherd druids become Mighty Summoners, adding an extra 2 HP per hit die to your summoned beasts/fey, and giving them magical attacks to boot.

14. Sorcerer 8: another ASI, this time you’re Resilient in Wisdom saves, giving you advantage and also rounding up your wisdom score for a cool plus 1 to all your spells and such.

also you can summon a Spirit of Death now, which lets you track whatever it’s zero’d in on anywhere in the material plane.

15. Sorcerer 9: with fifth level spells, it’s time for things to get real spicy. your freebies this level are Scrying to send out a spy bird with none of the fuss (esp. since you can use psionic casting to get around the 1000 gold casting cost) and Telekinesis to lift stuff like the big strong man you’re supposed to be. you can also Summon Draconic Spirits now, giving you access to the most powerful phantasmals available. not only can it deal adequate damage with breath attacks, but it also protects you from elemental damage to boot!

16. Sorcerer 10: now that you’ve spent some time vamping it up, your magic can now be Empowered, forcing disadvantage on one person trying to save themselves from it. you also get the Message cantrip bc I’m running out of good cantrips to give you, and the Enervation spell for a more chaos-flavored way of consuming your prey. you slap a target with a tentacle, and if they fail their first save it latches on, letting you drain their health each turn for up to a minute.

17. Sorcerer 11: I’ll be honest I’m kind of on the fence as to whether Tasha’s Otherworldly Guise should be called your 999th beast or not. on one hand it makes you look more demonic and gives you all kinds of cool abilities, but tbh I think turning into a T rex makes you a lot tougher for less magic cost. either way, you definitely have it now.

18. Sorcerer 12: use your last ASI to bump up your Dexterity to not die as much. yeah you’ve got plenty of spare lives, but it’s a pain to use them, y’know?

19. Sorcerer 13: our final spell of the day is the Finger of Death, which is a big single-target attack that can even turn a person into part of your chaos if it kills a humanoid target. really your whole body is Of Death, but a finger works too I guess.

20. Sorcerer 14: our capstone ability makes you a Revelation in Flesh, letting you transform yourself as a bonus action for ten minutes. for each sorcery point spent to transform, you get one of the four available bonuses. the first lets you see invisible creatures, the second gives you a flying speed, and the third lets you swim and breathe underwater. the last and both most- and least-important turns you into chaos good, letting you and anything you’re wearing move through a 1-inch space, or spend 5’ to break any grapple. it’s technically something you could’ve done already, but now you can do it without getting naked.

Pros & Cons:

Pros:

you have pretty good health for a caster, but it gets even better when you include all the extra health you can get from your uses of Polymorph, Wild Shape, and of course your vampiric spells. unless they can rush you down, you can cling to life in a fight for a good long while.

your spells are also very flexible, as are you. yes, you can summon 32 wolves or transform into a T Rex to cause havoc, but you can also summon or become smaller creatures for the sake of stealth or reconnaissance. and of course while using these spells on just yourself is in-character, a lot of them can be used on teammates as well to help them out.

you’re hard to deal with, magically speaking. you have solid saves in two of the big three saves, and you resist some common status effects really freaking well, so other mages can have a hard time taking out your HP faster than you can regrow it.

Cons:

your AC isn’t great, so melee fighters can still carve you up pretty easily. and if one of those happen to get creative with their mystic eyes of death perception you’ll definitely still be in trouble.

also, almost all of your summons are super weak compared to other spells of the same level. Conjure Animals is great for area denial or dealing with large groups of weak enemies, but using a ninth level spell for 32 wolves that’ll survive all of one turn before being fireballed to death just feels bad. the extra health from Mighty Summons is nice, but you’re getting at most 14 extra HP from that if you’re making CR 2 beasts, and that won’t last long at higher levels.

you yourself isn’t that strong either- while you don’t have to worry much about getting grappled, but you’re still easy to push around or fall into a magical strength-save spell.

[yzafre]

I am sorry I have no clue what the Gibbs slap is but whatever that’s not really what I am here to ask about. You talked quite bit about Mikey Donnie and Leo. So I am curious what is your opinion on Raph? /gen question

Oh, man, comments that make you realize you're aging. So the specific post I was talking about was this one, and the Gibb's slap... I'm referencing a(n extremely) recurring gag in NCIS. Probably has a better name, but this is how it was referred to in my social circles growing up.

Now obviously NCIS didn't invent the idea of slapping someone upside the head, but I have a suspicion that it widely popularized it, given how popular I remember NCIS being through the 2000s.

As for Raph: this is re: my post on 2003, I'm guessing?

So, a thought that I'd had and forgot to add to my big post is how. Okay so there's a common fandom vibe that Raph is extremely hot tempered and constantly fighting with Leo, and that's.

Okay so he does have a temper, but as things go one he's more grumpy and impatient? Made more obvious that when everyone gets flattened in S6 the grumpiness is his main thing - "I hate the future grump grump", ect

And while he does argue with Leo, the only time it was really explosive was the City at War arc, which was..... a pressure cooker, and also the best showing of why Raph makes such a good Lancer for Leo in this series.

Leo has a lot of.... Noble idealism? Which is nice in theory but gets him in trouble sometimes - see city at war, and I also mentioned in the "thoughts" post I thought it contributed to his breakdown arc.

Raph, on the other hand, is immensely practical and has an insular, "just our little world" protectiveness (sort of, put a pin in this).

Neither of these things are good in isolation, but they balance each other out! And Raph really does care! See: him still following Leo everywhere even as he yells at him thought city at war.

This attitude is also what makes episodes like Lone Raph and Cub or the one with the old woman so interesting! Because his "others aren't my problem" thing only really holds up as long as the "other" remains faceless. Once there's an identity attached to it, his empathy kicks in, which prompts him to act where idealism wouldn't.

Also! Raph has a strong understanding of handling a working through negative emotions - from his own experience - and also has the presence of mind to apply that understanding to other people (mostly Leo, admittedly).

Another of my favorite Raph moments was... Both the S1 farmhouse episodes? The one where he helps Leo make the swords is a showing of the above about handling negative emotions. The "waking Leo from a coma" episode, on the other hand, highlighted his internal conflict between how deeply he feels things, and his (un)willingness to admit to or show it. Great stuff.

As for the... A couple tags on the "thoughts" post have described it as "meanness" related to my comments on the writing changing in the later seasons - even if I don't really like it, I also don't tend to hold it against the character, since I understand (and experienced, and participated in!) the cultural context that writing came from. Especially when there's obvious affection showed in the same seasons - as much as S6 was a mixed bag, I consistently enjoyed its depictions of them roughhousing and playing around.

While I personally connect to him less than the other characters, I do like Raph and his writing, flaws included (...when the writing is good).

Thanks for the ask!

[spicedwatermel0n]

Losing my mind at how Hoagie is just labeled as lost in the sauce cuz yeah he is. Literally and metaphorically actually/pos/silly

Okay so. I've got a lot to add lemme just uhhh

TEXT IN RED MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERING STUFF

I just know Wally had the worst time in school 😭 no one paid attention to why he wasn't doing well they just knew he wasn't doing well so they scolded him even though it turned out he was doing horribly because of his disabilities (aka he experienced shit loads of ableism and thought it was deserved because he didn't know what was wrong with himself either)

Hoagie and Abby are both the gifted children who get praised all the time but also won't be listened to because "you're just a kid, what do you know" 💔 Hoagie has a lesser understanding of social cues so he tends to ramble regardless of how the others around him feel about it, but Abby is so worried about how she appears to other people that she just stays quiet and if you do manage to make her feel comfortable enough to ramble, she'll apologize profusely for doing it and if that provokes a negative response, will completely shut down and stop talking for hours, maybe even days

Hoagie does his very few stims in private because his grandma would always slap him for doing it so he tends to do only simple stims like leg shaking or pen clicking when nervous and in private he'll fidget a ton with the one singular fidget toy he owns which is those liquid thingys that you turn around and watch do cool things. He also hums or sings to himself in private. Although he doesn't understand social cues well when it comes to people he doesn't know, he's learned to tell the very basics of what his friends are feeling and when he senses them feeling negatively towards him in any way, just like Abby, will completely shut down. Instead of trying to tough it out, though, he'll just leave the room. Go to his own room. Sit with a blanket around him and fidget a while in uncomfortable silence. He has really strong rejection sensitivity so if he infodumps and he thinks his friends aren't listening you probably aren't gonna be seeing him for the rest of the day

Although Wally is the exception for him not only because they're best friends but Wally has such high empathy he can't help but pick up on how his friend is feeling and will actually have a nervous breakdown if he doesn't check in on him once. He's learned that Hoagie experiences anger that is completely out of character for him if he is forced to speak when he's too overwhelmed to speak (Hoagie masks negative emotions so when you see him growling and huffing at you, you know you've done something wrong cuz he never does that), so he usually checks in with him with simple yes or no questions so that he can just nod his head. He tends to just pop in and find him sitting in the corner with his blanket and fidget toy and he'll ask "are you okay" (it's always "no") and it's usually followed by offers. Offers like, "would you like a hug?", "do you want me to sit beside you?" and "would you like me to play with your hair?" (He really likes when people play with his hair cuz he only shows his hair to people he trusts)

UHHH ALSO Kukis meltdowns are so violent because people will let her get to the point where she needs to be so violent. Her parents tried to force her into some of the only clothing she reacts badly to and she got so overwhelmed she began screaming, biting at the sleeves and even managing to tear the outfit apart before rolling around on the ground and hitting herself on the head. What did her parents do? Send her to a mental hospital. Got diagnosed with BPD - and although she does have it, she absolutely did not describe BPD to them when they asked why she was there. She had a meltdown when she got there, too. She was away from home and terrified so she wailed all throughout the night.

Speaking of mental hospitals, they've ALL been there. At least once. Nigel has been there 2 times, Hoagie has been there 1 time, Kuki has been there a whooping 9 times, Wally has been there 3 times, and Abby has been there 1 time. This only applies to visits related to autism and there's been instances of a few being there for mental health related concerns but that's for another headcanon post.

Nigel got sent twice for the same reason, and it was his paranoia. His father really cares for him and does understand his autism, but unfortunately doesn't understand the paranoia and just wants what's best so he sent him there when it got so bad he felt that it'd put him in danger (for some reason). His experience there was okay, he didn't really mind it aside from the "why am I here, I need to get back to the Treehouse!"

Because Hoagies family is far from considerate, they made a horrible environment for him one time at the dinner table while he was trying to mentally prepare for a test and a KND mission all at the same time and he LOST IT. He first pushed his plate off the table and banged his head on it while begging for them to shut up. When Lydia reacted with aggression, he began screaming and throwing anything he could get his hands on at everyone within the room. At some point he picked up a fork and threw that in someone's direction and his mother began to react with aggression, which as expected, caused the already abnormal meltdown to get WORSE and he ripped apart the wall by slamming his head into it until it broke and then using his hands to tear it further. The police were called by Tommy (the only sane person in that moment) and he went to the mental hospital right after getting stitches because he actually busted his head open during his head banging. He always thanks Tommy for doing that because he genuinely didn't want to react that way. Hoagie brings him cool rocks to thank him because Tommy is also autistic and, as many very young autistics do, he collects rocks. Admittedly Tommy is traumatized by that whole thing and Hoagie feels awful about it. Tommy usually just says "oh but you didn't mean to so it's okay!! At least your friends didn't see, right?" Which actually just makes him feel worse because he knows that if Kuki saw, she'd also have a meltdown, if Wally saw, he'd be in constant agony for the next month and traumatized as well, and if Abby saw, she'd become overly protective of him and have Nigel-level paranoia for the next week. He already feels bad enough because he's Wally's FP (he has BPD yes leave me alone I'm projecting) and it happened so unexpectedly so when Tommy popped by to let them know what happened Wally LOST IT. He cried every night he was in the hospital and didn't eat for the first two days. He blamed himself and was also panicking over not having the person he relies on for almost everything. They all agreed not to tell Hoagie that had happened while he was gone but he speculated something had happened with him just because of his attachment to him and because he had eye bags from his crying and his voice was raspy for a few days when he got home. All of this because his family doesn't know how to react to his autism...

Kuki has too many experiences there to mention honestly. The poor girl

Wally was there for two different reasons. The first two were because of his meltdowns and the third was because he has moodswings and one time they got so bad that he attempted to make the decision of jumping out of the window to "end his suffering" (he couldn't even die from that height, he'd just suffer a bunch of broken bones) anddddd his mother managed to catch him by the legs when he tried to and hauled him to the mental hospital for what they thought was suicidal ideation but was actually just him being so panicked that he was imagining physical pain of which was so severe that he was, in fact, suffering, and thought that if he jumped, he'd be sent to the hospital for treatment. Although he suffers from those thoughts (he doesn't tell anyone...) that absolutely was not apart of them 😭

Abby was there once by choice. She felt like everything was falling apart and, quote, "for my safety, I need to be put on hold at the mental institution." She felt confused the whole time but the stay there ended up being beneficial and she learned that she should start seeking help when she feels overstimulated. At school she usually is allowed to be left alone in a quiet room for 10-15 minutes. It's very helpful. She shared that with Wally and it helps him too, when he can remember it...

Sector v autism headcanons. Because...well.

Nigel- comorbid OCD. Has severe behavioral problems and paranoia. Comes across awkward and controlling. Control is a huge factor for him to feel secure. Doesn't understand social cues and, in fact, thinks social expectations are stupid and oppressive (and he's right). Easily overstimulated (part of why he hates theme parks). Huge on special interests, unfortunately, his special interest is his work. Very preoccupied with morals and has a tendency to think in black and white.

Hoagie- stereotypical "savant", hyper intelligent but not good with social cues. Gets lost in the sauce. Out of everyone in sector v, hoagie infodumps the most by FAR. they don't really have sensory issues and they don't stim that much. Doesn't consider that other people might not understand the stuff theyre talking about. Clumsy and not always super aware of her surroundings.

Kuki- comorbid ADHD. Unable to mask, but wouldn't want to anyway. Doesn't pick up or understand social cues, lives in her own reality. Sensory problems with food and clothing, but isn't actually that much of a picky eater- there's just some textures she CANNOT stand (baked beans!). Has poor emotional regulation, prone to meltdowns. Low empathy. Does almost constant physical stims. She has an elevated sense of smell and hearing. HUGE on special interests, of course. She will NOT listen if the conversation isn't about something she's interested in.

Wally- comorbid intellectual and developmental disabilities, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalcula. Impulsive and brash, doesn't understand why it might be frowned upon to be loud and interrupt people. He's in remedial classes and has an IEP, which makes it hard for him to get into colleges later. Very picky eater and has sensory issues with what clothes he wears. Stims by singing little songs. Very hyperactive. Hyper empathetic and imprints on inanimate objects. VERY prone to meltdowns.

Abby- she's the overcompensating type who's able to mask very well but that doesn't mean it's easy for her to. She's very afraid of being seen as weird or dorky. She learns "the rules" and is great at following them, but gets thrown off if the rules change. This is why it's sometimes easier for her to say less. Loves lists and is a completionist. She's hyper empathetic. Schoolwork is naturally easy for her and she's good at making objective decisions. She doesn't seem like it, but she gets easily overwhelmed and needs more time than other people to decompress. Picky eater, but will try anything once. Uses music to self regulate.

ADD MORE HEADCANONS IF YOU HAVE EM

[not-a-perfect-metaphor]

Hi! How are you doing? I wanted to get your opinion on another drama in the fandom after The Winchesters finale. All I get from it is facepalm. I don't remember reading it here or elsewhere, but it was saying that after the spn finale, we're in for a deliberate campaign to break the bond between J2 in the public eye. And they clearly succeeded. It's like many fans have gone crazy and can't stop saying for years that J2 were never friends or about friendship breakdown and betrayal. And this is despite the fact that J2 are still close and dear to each other. They still want to work together and will definitely restart spn one day. Not to mention them as a strong couple who have been through a lot. And I think this kind of drama is even good for them. J2 tinhat not much left and not as much attention and emphasis on them anymore. Even just j2 fans are hard to find. There are only individual aggressive fans of each of the J2 and crazy Hellers. At times I think it's even better that way. They can be together without worrying so much about damage control.

I’ve started and restarted this answer so many times, because I feel like it’s such a delicate topic but also something that definitely does need to be addressed.

And I thank you for taking the time to write it out so eloquently!

I guess I’ll start by saying that I absolutely have noticed the number of people jumping onto the anti-‘J2-togetherness’ train, to the point where I’ve been trying to figure out for a while now what factors could be contributing to it.

Mainly because the actual reality of the Js on a day-to-day basis does not match up with what’s been said (with what’s being said), and yes, there definitely have always been those who have projected their own discomforts/disappointments/opposing views etc. onto the Js. Of course we all know that, but you’re certainly right about the fact that it’s become much more prevalent in recent months (I kind of feel like it’s been happening ever since the sequel debacle, really).

And on that note, I do think the issues surrounding the sequel undeniably planted seeds of resentment/negative feelings in probably a pretty big percentage of at least the individuals who were once pro-J2 and who are now anti-J2, and I’m not about to pass judgment on anyone or try to claim that anyone’s feelings/opinions are wrong or bad, because that’s never been what I’m about here.

What I have always said about the prequel drama is essentially this-

The strength of the 15+ year relationship between Jared and Jensen allowed them to heal from all of that, and even in the midst of it, I never doubted they would…and they absolutely, 100% have.

That’s honestly what genuinely matters, at least as it pertains to our discussion about the closeness/trust/love between the two of them, and I guess I would just say…or I would hope…that anyone holding onto their own disappointments might at least be able to distinguish between their own feelings and how the Js have stated and shown they feel.

But again, to each their own.

The other element to mention, I think, is the glaringly obvious one, and something I’ve touched on a few times since the wrapping up of SPN.

It was always going to be really difficult for us, on the outside looking in, to no longer (for now, anyway) get to experience that amazingly personal and constant view of Jared and Jensen’s relationship to the degree we’d all become so accustomed to throughout the decade and a half of SPN, and I think some people lost sight of the fact that just because we’re not able to witness as much of their time together/hear about as much of their relationship/etc. doesn’t mean it isn’t still happening.

And yes, it’s common sense. But I think for some, probably those who weren’t as heavily invested in the first place (although that’s just speculation), the shift was misinterpreted as being linked to a decline in the Js intimacy instead of simply a decline in the amount of that intimacy we get to see.

As for a more formal ‘set-up’ of these rumors and speculations, that’s not something I’ve been privy to or heard anything about, although I’ll absolutely agree with you on the fact that whether there was any staging or simply just the natural progressions one would expect, the dimmed spotlight on the nature of Jared and Jensen’s relationship has certainly allowed them some more freedom and peace, which of course is a good thing.

And it’s not anything we didn’t all realize would happen, those of us who’ve been around for this for as long as we have been. We’ve been talking it over since the start of SPN’s final season.

Digging into these anti-J2 posts, I can tell you that what I personally found is that the vast majority of them, as has always been the case, are originating from hellers, with a small (although, yes, increased) percentage of them seemingly coming from previously pro-J2 folks.

In the end, I guess I’d really love to hear from others and get any additional opinions on this, so please, if you have something to add, let me know!

Edit: as far as J2 tinhats disappearing, I don’t think that’s actually necessarily the case. I know that I tend to vanish for sometimes quite long periods of time, but that’s always been the case, and I see the same group of us (not entirely, but the bulk of us) still wearing our hats and enjoying the Js here on Tumblr. 😊 So definitely hang in there, my friend!

[ask-uts-earthspark-au]

To Autobots and Decepticons (not Maltobots this time):

Which Star Wars Movie and Trilogy is your favorite?

Bumblebee: Uhhh, I think I saw one of the movies a long time ago, but it’s been so long I don’t really remember… sorry…

Bumblebee: but I do remember Arcee’s showed me some of clone wars here and there! Not too bad.

Optimus: Arcee got into it at some point, and now it’s basically the only thing I know her to have as a serious interest even remotely akin to being fandom.

Optimus: Please don’t ask her about it, we’ll be here all year, and I’d like to actually make it to my video call with Rodimus at lunch.

Arcee: hey! D:<

Elita: I’ve… seen a little… doesn’t really float my boat, but hey, whatever floats someone else’s.

Megatron: I’m not going to talk because I’ll only piss people off from only seeing one movie and having strong opinions. /neg

Breakdown: Saw a movie at a drive-in theater with Drag, Wild, and ‘End once when me, Drag, and Wild were little.

Breakdown: Dead End took us to see it. Though I’m pretty sure it was just to keep us busy while he kept us out of the house while Motor was… busy… with his conjux…

Breakdown: anyway, uh, don’t really remember which, and not really my thing, but I do know that it did inspire a Star Wars phase for Dragstrip and Wildrider.

Optimus: eh. the laser swords are kind of cool. but I still prefer my energy axe, and Megatron’s energy mace. And I still think Meg’s sword is cooler.

Arcee: Well, I think Star Wars rocks. It absolutely fucks. Fantastic, the only ones that have gone down hill was the last three kinda, but still not half bad. Love it, there’s so much to cov-

Optimus: yes Arcee honey, we know. Now please, go lose your shit about it on the phone with your older brother.

Bumblebee: I mean, Clone Wars is pretty decent, I’ve gotta say. The Terrans might like it.

Megatron:

Megatron: you bring anything of that garbage franchise near my godchildren I will turn you into a nice little bumblebee peach crumble.

Bumblebee: *surrender*

Tarantulas has opted not to answer, as he does not know Star Wars, and does not care. The others also opted out, as they didn’t particularly care to comment on the topic, or didn’t even know anyway.

Arcee is now available to ask!

[millennialgrandma]

MoaM Wrap up Party - Day 1 Reflections

So @petalsfordraco and @willowalla have organized a lovely wrap-up party to celebrate the end of MoaM over in the RoR discord server. I missed the discussion prompts for the first handful of days, but I still wanted to mull them over. And I decided I rather liked the idea of archiving my answers to the discussion prompts here for posterity.

Please beware of spoilers below the cut. I've specifically referenced scenes and pulled quotes from Chapter 1 and Chapter 33, as well as referenced a plot point from Chapter 35.

Day 1 - Favorite Scene

Please enjoy this gorgeous graphic by @willowalla

So I've sat on this a long time. A long fucking time. I think for me, for the way I consumed and experienced this story, for the way I could see my own experiences echoed, my favorite scene has to be Hermione's conversation with Andromeda in Chapter 33.

I love this scene for so many reasons. It is so emotional. I wept the entire way through it, and actually had to stop on two separate occasions for a full mental breakdown. But importantly, this conversation with Andromeda is a fulcrum - the culmination of so many moments leading to this conversation, and also a springboard for so many moments that come after. Yes, a huge focus of this story is Draco's growth (the father, the son, the man), but growth is an overarching theme for the entire story. This particular scene highlights Hermione's growth so far, and the growth yet to come. It brilliantly reminds us of where she started back in Chapter 1:

"Hermione had cleared away the rot and negative decay of her old life to create the space needed for new growth. And she had grown. She was still growing."

Ok, jumping into the scene in question:

Chapter 33 Andromeda talk

This fucking passage. I love it so much. I love its placement in this chapter, smack in the middle of Part 3 (The Man/Everything). And it perfectly sets up the ending scene of the chapter, when Hermione doesn't run away, but stands still.

"To truly know someone is to differentiate between who they once were, who they are now, and who they're capable of being. He's a hard lesson because you're having to learn in both foresight and hindsight, all while gaining insight within yourself and him. It's not an easy or simple task in addition to everything life has thrown your way." Andromeda turned to her. "Don't run from the challenge simply because it makes you uncomfortable."

"I have no intentions to." Hermione inhaled then released the breath slowly until her lungs were empty. "Not that I could run. Life goes on and I'm cemented to the ground."

Chapter 33 Andromeda talk:

"You are one of the strongest people I know, but being strong isn't your only choice, nor is it always an option. It's okay to hurt, to be afraid, to worry, but you don't have to keep everything bottled up. It's okay to let people help you."

This passage absolutely fucking wrecked me. I sobbed for 20 minutes. Because it hit so close to home (the absolute therapy of this story, am I right?). But watching Hermione lean into her support group more and more throughout this story is one of my favorite parts. At this point, she's coming off the attack. She's relying on those around her because she has no other choice. As the story progresses we see her make the choice to rely on those around her, particularly Draco, a far cry from where she started. And by the time we get to Chapter 42 we see how fully and easily she continues to make this choice.

Chapter 33 Andromeda talk:

SCREAMING, CRYING, THRASHING ABOUT. This passage set off the second of my emotional breakdowns in this scene. "You're just standing still. And you're allowed to." Fucking woof. An important reminder. An essential lesson. It flows so beautifully into the ending scene of the chapter, when Draco lays all his cards on the table, says he's ready for everything, and acknowledges that she isn't yet. It leads us to the moment Hermione stands still, not moving forward, but not stepping back:

"You're not cemented to the ground, Hermione. You're not trapped by what happened to you or whatever it is that's happening that you won't speak about. You're just standing still. And you're allowed to."

Hermione brushed away more rogue tears as they escaped.

"You'll think through everything and make a decision to move in the direction of your choosing. Once you make up your mind, you commit completely. You have always been like this, so I have faith that you will figure out how to deal with whatever is weighing so heavily on you."

She closed her eyes and focused.

"But, for now, stand tall and know that I am with you. I will always be here."

Hermione leaned into the comfort of her steady presence. "There's a lot I want to talk to you abo—"

"Don't. Not now." Andromeda held her hand that trembled. "Right now we need to stand still."

And though the words to stop him were fresh on her lips, Hermione kept her love close rather than giving voice to a thought her own hesitation and denial every step of the way wouldn't let him believe. Not yet.

What a powerful fucking moment. Goddamn. I was so proud of her. And it sets her up for the first steps in Chapter 34. And then Chapter 35, when she begins to move forward. When she starts deliberately making the space in her life for Draco and Scorpius (hello blueprints). The Earth found her gravity again.

[annyankers]

Have you given us a breakdown on Anya (Train’s version) yet? I’m loving your recent Anya posts and want to know more

kdjlsfghdfjklsg OKAY!!!!! ANYANKA!!!! TRAIN'S VERSION!!!!!

First off I fancast her with Emma Myers now or Maya Hawke in the recent past. I feel both of them could handle the role and both are closer looking to the 17-18yo age we’d need for S3!Anya which is one of my main reasons for even recasting Anyanka bc lbr... Emma Caulfield is iconic in the role no notes really on her end. But yeah, both could pull off that “alien who just moved to earth tries to hang with the teenz” vibes that are so integral to the Anya experience.

After that I just lean WAY more into her established backstory and season 3 personality, you know, how she was before they flanderized her to hell and back. Basically more of a cranky adult trapped in a shitty mortal teen body and having to deal with all this shit they can’t remember from their own youth and probably didn’t have to even deal with the first time around. Her moods are all over the place in S3-4 since she’s so new to being mortal and like...18 years old. It’s like being boss baby and needing a nap lol.

She also has beef with Willow and Giles from day one and actually develops a real friendship with Cordelia and Faith-- basically if they’re in the Scooby sphere but not well liked by the Scoobies proper they’re gonna end up friends with Anyanka. Which means by the end of the series she’s homies with Cordelia, Faith, Spike, Oz, Angel, Wesley, Andrew, etc. The only one I don’t think she’d have time for is Amy and that’s entirely because she doesn’t have time for her or Willow and their issues with magic, superiority complexes and how little they listen to her even tho she’s you know, their obvious magical superior on the knowledge front.

Circling back to Willow and Giles it’s because she’s the anti-Willow and anti-Giles in some ways and until a better set up is thought up she’s basically the spirit and mind of the shadow self hands-heart-spirit-mind metaphor that the scoobies take on. She and Spike are basically already the Rowdy Ruff Boys to the Scoobies’ Powerpuff Girls as is. She’s already kind of established as a shadow Willow in the show but I wanna you know...... NOT FORGET SHE CAN DO MAGIC FOR LIKE 4 SEASONS.

Without her demonic powers Anyanka is not as strong of a witch as Willow when it comes to pure strength. But she was an extremely gifted one even before she got 1,000+ years to hone her craft and learn more. She can buy and sell Willow and Giles any day of the week, they basically only win against her because Buffy’s the slayer, luck, MC powers etc etc yada yada. She’s also not afraid to remind them of this fact which makes Willow especially very insecure and dislike her a LOT. Along with that Anyanka still lacks a filter nor cares to get one. She probably also backed Faith’s whole bad slayer shit for a while like “yeah you go girl get your revenge!!!! (and also idk can you maybe help me get my powers back or like??? talk to your boss about it????? idk idk)”. bc ofc she’s not giving up on that so easily and also you know, Faith is a pretty wronged lady and old habits die hard. Also it parallels the Buffy-Willow friendship and makes it all sexy and evil and shadow self-y.

ofc once she realizes what he wants to do is Ascend she’s like LOL NVM I’M OUT!!!! LOL BYEEEEEE!!!!!

I’d still have her going to prom with Xander, negging him when she asks him and terrorizing him unintentionally the whole night. It’s comic gold. But I want her entry into being a main cast member to not be wholly dependent on her riding his dick on the reg like in canon so she’s the first person to bang on Buffy’s door and be like “something’s happening to the Sunnydale demon population!!!!” because ofc she still cares about them, in her brain she’s not human, she’s a demon. This whole mortal form thing is temporary really. Her and Xander is a background courting ritual of freaks and losers incomprehensible to all around them. It’s not the slap slap kiss vibes of Xander/Cordelia but it still has the same “whAT--?!?!?” moment and top tier comedic duo timing. 

Anya only really starts to see herself as human when she breaks her arm in 5x2 and even then it’s very uneasy. It’s like 8 kinds of crisis she’s combatting here guys.

Also starting in S4 she and Spike are besties. Again it’s a shadow self, my demons are their own angels, us but sexier energy. They’re serving Scoobies from the Negaverse. They’re giving “this could be you Buffy but you playing”. They’re also like, the greek chorus in the back being like “uhhhhhh what’s with the gross human-centric ethics you creeps?”. They’re another next level comedy duo. Could’ve removed his chip the whole time but he never asked so she never offered. She mentions this casually in Season 7 and he mcloses it over that for several episodes, it’s a running gag.

Anya and Willow have Tension from Season 4 on about being the Magical Girl of the group. The Scoobies all naturally pick Willow pretty consistently over Anya but then Willow Fucks Up (something blue etc) and they turn to Anya to fix it. It’s a popularity contest and they all know it and it makes Anya bitter and Willow even more insecure. This feeds into her Dark Willow Arc later. Also, she and Anya have a Wizard Fight at the end of Season 6 and it’s Sick Nasty.

Xander still leaves her at the altar because I think that’s actually very important to both of their characters and she does still become a demon again. The major difference is that she doesn’t then stop being one in Season 7. She ends out the series still a demon and the confrontation in the frat house actually is basically a psychological boss battle for Buffy that gets into shit relevant to the season and her own struggles.

Anyanka never really asked for this, she was basically tricked/manipulated both times into becoming a demon but she also gains incredible powers from being like this that realistically she wouldn’t want to give up as they’re a part of her now. Her identity is malleable, she’s been treated like she doesn’t get to have one, she has to fight to make one of her own. she’s in a position when she’s controlled by a cruel man and if she goes outside the lines or does things she feels are right the consequences are dire. She is Buffy, she’s the demon side of Buffy. The counterpoint to Dawn’s innocent youthful human girl, she’s the grown adult demon woman. She’s representing the struggles Buffy is dealing with now in herself and the plot. Buffy ends up deciding to not punish her for the murders both yes because of friendship but also because Anyanka is an irreplaceable asset, even more so now that she’s a demon again, and Buffy cannot afford to lose any of those right now. A logic that Anyanka actually approves of.

I enjoy Anya’s fish out of water and no filter vibes in the original but I hate how they consistently forget she’s smart until it’s useful again. Like lbr, S4-7 Anya is basically just there to say something cringe or funny or say “when i was a demon--” before being shunted to the back again so the Most Important People could talk. Season 3 Anya was cunning, acerbic, clever, knew the basics of how things work in the mortal world and I’m sorry-- I know it’s very important to many people but I hate her monologue in The Body. I just HATE it.

She’s been killing people for over a thousand years. She knows what death is and how it works. She knows it means this person will never eat eggs a-fucking-gain sHE KNOWS THIS!!!!! Now if this was about the emotionalness of that loss-- of being the one to actually do the losing I wouldn’t hate it!!! That actually tracks. Anyanka is basically immortal and likely as never had a single person she truly cared about die in that time. It would make sense if she understands that Joyce is dead but doesn’t know how to react to that or process it. Loss is a thing she inflicts, it’s not done to her. She wouldn’t know what to do with herself.

Also she doesn’t give a stupid fucking speech about running away that makes NO sense and just TELLS YOU SHE’S GONNA DIE with a fucking FOGHORN and then DIES POINTLESSLY IN THE FINALE. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

perfect now - a close reading

only pure and true love for this one. it’s soft and sweet because the one he wrote it for is and needs cheesy uncool romcom soundtrack-worthy affirmations and it’s the most wonderful thing oh my the flurries 

some album booklet art for your viewing pleasure

((just a warning for below: while the lyric analysis was kept fairly neutral and close to the words and their meaning, more and more parallels did ensure me larrying out by the time the analysis kicked off so if you’re not into that, you can skip this one!))

⟼ check out @bluewinnerangel​ ‘s magnificent post with all the parallels to 1d/h&l bc it’s exhaustive and was a source for mine <3 thank you again for your service <3 bc this song really is a fanpiece of every song that has been important to them throughout their career so far, whether they wrote it or not, and it’s honestly kinda impressive

SUMMARY

you’re sad and i love you so much i will do anything to make that undone but while you’re sad know that i sill very much love you and you’re also strong enough to conquer all of this on your own but i’ll be by your side anyway

lyric breakdown ft. the many parallels, incl. little things, through the dark and wmyb

what this says about louis, his partner and the relationship he is in

never gonna dance again frenzy

identity 

louis is a marvellous majestic sonofabitch basically <3

walls, track 10

～ little things “you still have to squeeze into your jeans, but you’re perfect to me”

You don’t feel pretty and it’s hard to miss

You don’t feel pretty and it’s hard to miss

later lyric: “like a neon sign” - i see through you trying to hide away your insecurities

I wish that you could see my point of view As someone staring back at you

“you” is also staring at him, but perhaps is too insecure to realise how mutual the adoration is

i wish i could get you out of your own negative spiral and give you a look at yourself from my perspective

～ wmyb “everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but you” 

～ wmyb “right now i’m looking at you and i can’t believe you don’t know you’re beautiful”

～ little things “you never love yourself half as much as I love you, and you’ll never treat yourself right darling but I want you to. If I let you know, I’m here for you, maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you”

On Friday night when we’re all out I turn to you and you’re looking down And you don’t wanna dance I know you love to dance You never stop given half the chance

heavy echoes of kmm again, but the opposite: the “nightmare on the dance floor” doesn’t want to dance

when “you” is confident rlly not being subtle with who i think that is, they love to dance <-> tpwk “feeling good in my skin, i just keep on dancing”

“i know you love to dance” = i know what you love bc i love you

“given half the chance” 

～ tpwk “giving/given second chances”

given a chance tattoo, making another appearance (see below for more tattoo meltdowns)

Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up

term of endearment <3 

～ dlibyh

this album is full of encouragement to keep going and as much as it gives me life it ruins me 

Don’t hide away, don’t ever change

“be happy, proud”

～ “just hold on”

“pick someone who’s supportive”

Keep your head up, love, keep your head up Don’t look away, don’t look away

don’t look away from me

～ through the dark “and I can see your head is held in shame”

Cause everybody’s looking at you now, my, oh my

they have the stage to themselves / new career paths they’re doing on their own

could also mean ppl they’re going out with are looking at them, which “you” interprets as sth negative, which makes them self-conscious, while they’re actually admiring them bc they steal the scene

～ wmyb “you’re turning heads when you walk through the door”

I guess some queens don’t need a crown And I know why Even when your tears are falling down Still, somehow, you’re perfect now

“you” is royalty to louis, to put it simply 

they don’t need something on their head to make it known to everyone else - they’re a queen and everyone knows it

gendered: female - also used in drag contexts - the only time L has used any gendered word to identify his partner on the entire album (more on this below)

～ steal my girl "she's been my queen since we were sixteen" can't believe i forgot this one thank you @mortalenemiestolovers for reminding me!!!

～ falling

～ through the dark “you tell me that your tears are here to stay”

You never do, but if you asked me to I’ll tell the truth lying next to you

“you” never asks for affirmations directly, but by saying shit like their pants are too tight make it clear enough to L that they do need to hear once in a while that it’s not true

Cause you’re the only one when it’s said and done You make me feel like being someone 

Good to you even at your worst

～ always you

i love you so much you are a force of life to me, and even when you hate me i want more

～ drag me down “If I didn’t have you there would be nothing left, the shell of a man who could never be his best. If I didn’t have you, I’d never see the sun. You taught me how to be someone” (sung by louis first, harry second) 

～ through the dark “even if you scream and shout, it’ll come back to you and I’ll be here for you

You steal the scene and it’s unrehearsed

reference to working on a stage - their natural presence wins everyone over - that charisma is never manufactured

Don’t you wanna dance? Just a little dance I’ll never stop given half the chance

L keeps encouraging them, will also not pass by any chance to dance with them

Every insecurity, like a neon sign, as bright as day If you knew what you were to me You would never try to hide away

“it’s hard to miss”

L sees through them trying to hide their insecurities, pretend to be strong

～ through the dark “but I know you were only hiding”

SYNTHESIS

Perfect Now is not a fan favorite and I am so not here for that discourse, so please do not pester me with negativity about this chocolate drop of a song. 

As others have pointed out, the parallels with other songs written by Louis, Harry or for One Direction are extremely present. Especially Little Things is echoed loudly, but there’s so much more to be read, as you’ve seen. These are songs that are clearly near and dear to Louis, bc he wrote them or bc performing them was special, like with Little Things and What Makes You Beautiful. A lot of the same emotions come back in Louis’s writing, so much so that you can’t help but see the larger story behind it all. Throughout Walls you can hear him singing about not giving up and holding your head high despite hardships, and if you look back at his earlier writing, it’s always been there. Through the Dark is an early and striking example of this style of Louis song: you’re sad and i love you so much i will do anything to make that undone but while you’re sad know that i sill very much love you and you’re also strong enough to conquer all of this on your own but i’ll be by your side anyway 

basically through the dark’s chorus:

Oh, I will carry you over Fire and water for your love And I will hold you closer Hope your heart is strong enough When the night is coming down on you We will find a way Through the dark

It is very clear that Louis is faced with a partner - I can freely say it’s Harry now right? are the antis gone by now? i think so - that struggles with his body, with his identity, with how he wants to present himself vs how opinions on that might push him down and dampen his spirit. Louis, always the supportive boyfriend, then tries his best to make him see the light, while keeping that space for his sadness, his struggles, or their joint struggles. Accept the sadness but don’t lose your heart to it.

I’ve linked @bluewinnerangel​ ‘s post at the start of this post, but I need to stress how good it is once more as I also shamelessly insert a screenshot from it here bc it makes me feel a lot and summarizes perfectly just how deeply Perfect Now is woven into the history of their lives, relationship and especially “you”s/Harry’s personal struggle with their identity/body/confidence...

Because yes, i absolutely think these tattoos are being echoed in the song. “Never gonna dance again” as a lyric and then as a tattoo on Harry’s legs like shackles around his ankles represents the sensation of shame, of being stuck, bc of your desires, bc of your sexuality. Obviously we can never know why Harry got the tattoo, as in what experience pushed him to choose those lyrics or what exactly he recognizes in himself, but it’s safe to say it’s about the struggles of being queer and navigating relationships with that identity and with others.

Most importantly, the sense of shamelessly dancing, dancing like no one’s watching, dancing together with your lover, as a celebration of self, life, love, is the key here. Harry got that tattoo ages ago, at a time when he undoubtedly felt way more stuck. When he couldn’t dance freely the way he wanted to and with whom he wanted to. Perfect Now is a reminder to him, an encouragement to still dance if he wants to, no matter what people say or think. Significantly, then, Harry’s own Treat People With Kindness heavily features that same sentiment, but in an extremely positive light: i have found a place (in life and in myself) where i feel like i have given and was given second chances and now i dance bc i finally feel good in my skin.

Louis has obviously been there from the start, or at least from when or before Harry properly started experimenting with/questioning how he likes to present and how he identifies as. Before he ever dared to consider pulling on a pair of women’s skinny jeans, never mind a ball gown. Louis has seen him limit himself as well as being limited by others ofc and has always seemed to have been there, with a secure hand on Harry’s back, to encourage him. Even at a time when boys wearing nail polish or skirts was unthinkable. Just remember how much encouragement Harry needed when growing out his hair; Louis literally joined him. yes this might make me cry okay i need to stop bc i’m going off track and this is just becoming a larry breakdown while i was trying to hype up this beautiful song. 

What I’m trying to say is: Louis has always seen all of Harry. He’s always had his back, no matter what. He’s loved every part of him. And now, on a completely gender neutral album, in the sweetest, softest song off of the entire thing, Louis puts in the word “queen”, and that is so very deliberate it makes me want to scream. It’s Louis confirming his love again and again while affirming the multitudes contained by Harry, including everything involving his gender journey. brb crying

It’s a raw Louis, an honest, sweet, kind, loving partner, and both of them are fucking lucky to have each other, and I also wish that all of us end up in a caring and wholesome relationship like that. I truly do.

[vhenanshiral]

On the Topic of Seiya Kou.

This is a Sailor Moon post rather than a Dragon Age post. Shocker, I know, but Sailor Moon is another one of my loves. This will focus on the 90s anime adaptation of the manga. So do not come at me with “but in the manga,” because the 90s adaptation and the manga were incredibly different in multiple ways. Seiya will be referred to as she/her because the male form was a disguise. That being said, any interpretation of Seiya’s gender is valid and I love them all! Anyway. I see a lot of shit talking about Seiya and it’s honestly ... super tiring. So many of the “negative” points against Seiya are misinterpreted, misunderstood, and misrepresented for the sake of making her look like a dumpster fire. 1. “Seiya is creepy towards Usagi and stalks her.” Except ... she doesn’t. They meet by accident numerous times, and in fact Usagi even seeks Seiya out. They develop a friendship, and it’s normal and natural for friends to seek each other out. Usagi and the girls actually, literally stalk the Three Lights more than once during the season. 2. “Seiya thinks Usagi is weak because she told Mamoru to take care of her when they left.” This honestly makes no sense to me. It is repeatedly shown that Seiya admires Usagi’s strength, both as Usagi and as Sailor Moon. It is natural to want the people you love to be protected, and that does not mean that you think they’re weak and incapable of protecting themselves. Seiya knew Usagi was capable and strong because she had seen her demonstrate these traits multiple times. Throughout the season, Seiya repeatedly lifts Usagi up with her confidence in her capabilities. This is even before she knows she is Sailor Moon. Let’s not forget that when Galaxia kills all of the Inners, they ask the Starlights to protect Sailor Moon, so saying that Seiya telling Mamoru to take care of her means she thinks she is weak ... that must mean everyone else thinks she is too, right? It’s absurd. 3. “Seiya can’t take ‘no’ for an answer, always hits on her, and is constantly pressuring her into a relationship.” It is true that Seiya repeatedly quips about “having a chance” with Usagi. It’s also true that Usagi repeatedly reminds Seiya that she has a boyfriend. But it isn’t true that Seiya repeatedly attempts to coerce her into a relationship. It also isn’t true that she does it all the time. While she shouldn’t have done it even more than once (when she was unaware of Usagi’s relationship status,) it’s obvious from the context that she isn’t being serious. Seiya repeatedly making quips is an issue, and while those kinds of situations can and often do mean someone is being a “Nice Guy,” a predator, an abuser, etc., we know from everything that we see that it is not the case with Seiya. Let’s take the “date,” for an example: Seiya throws it out there (literally, just time and place and walks off) and Usagi willingly shows up the next day and is even irritated that Seiya is late. Usagi is not forced or coerced into the date; she retains all of the power regarding whether or not she shows up. She would not have gone if she didn’t want to. Actually, let’s look at these instances of Seiya hitting/making a move on Usagi. - In the “date” episode, Usagi thinks that Seiya is going to make a move on her. Some suggest that Usagi thinks she is going to kiss her, but the language, Usagi’s expressions, and her reaction to the truth seem to imply that she thinks Seiya is suggesting something more intimate. - In the episode with the beach monster when Chibi Chibi opens up the door and pushes Seiya over on to Usagi, Usagi is the one who, again, assumes Seiya is up to No Good, despite it being a complete accident and innocent on Seiya’s part. - In the episode where Seiya spends the night at Usagi’s because she’s alone and Seiya very nearly confesses who she is to Usagi while they’re in her bedroom, it is Usagi who believes that Seiya is going to confess to having a crush on her. - Later in that same episode, when they are hiding in the cabinet and Seiya again thinks about confessing her true identity to her, it is Usagi who thinks Seiya is about to suggest something intimate. In fact, throughout the season, it is everyone from Usagi, to the other girls, to single-episode characters, to even Luna who think that Seiya is going to suggest or attempt illicit activities with Usagi, and not Seiya. It is all but explicitly stated that Usagi is attracted to Seiya. Not just because of the implications of her assumptions, but also because she is scolded over it. In fact, Rei tells her that she needs to sort her feelings out. Haruka and Michiru forbid her from seeing Seiya because she has Mamoru. She may not love Seiya the same way, but she is attracted to her and she does love her (and Usagi being attracted to other people is not a new thing.) Let’s look at the softball episode, because it’s ... pretty problematic and people often point to it as being one of the episodes that paint Seiya as some creepy stalker who can’t just take a hint and tells everyone that Usagi is her girlfriend. It is Rei who thinks that Seiya training Usagi in softball is inappropriate (let’s remember that it is Ami who thinks that something illicit is going on with Seiya and Usagi in the bodyguard episode...) because Mamoru is Usagi’s boyfriend, not Seiya. It is Sonoko who insists that Seiya’s “relationship” with Usagi isn’t acceptable, and it is her that places the bet that if Seiya’s team loses, she’s not to associate with Usagi anymore. Seiya agrees because she’s competitive, hates to lose, has confidence in herself and Usagi, and knows that Sonoko is wrong. When Usagi tries to interject about the actual nature of their relationship (that they’re not dating,) it’s the girls who shush her because they’re expecting Seiya’s team to lose and that will give them the opportunity to make Seiya feel better. I want to touch on the “Seiya knows Sonoko is wrong” part. I think what a lot of people don’t think about is that when Sonoko placed this bet and openly stated her disapproval of Seiya spending time with Usagi, Sonoko was attacking Usagi’s worth as a person. She was openly saying that Usagi wasn’t good enough to be hanging out with Seiya in any capacity. Seiya took issue with this because she obviously believes and knows differently. She values Usagi as a person. Who is Sonoko to decide who is and isn’t good enough to spend time with her? Seiya is not approaching the situation with entirely selfish motives, unlike the girls who fed into the Seiya/Usagi romance for the hopeful eventuality of them being able to comfort Seiya after a loss when she’ll be forced to stop hanging out with Usagi. She uses this situation to help bolster Usagi’s confidence in herself. That doesn’t change the fact that the bet is stupid to begin with, but it is what it is. Oh, additionally ... Seiya doesn’t tell the school that she and Usagi are dating. Them dating is an assumption that Seiya simply doesn’t correct. It’s worth noting that if she did correct that assumption, it would feed into Sonoko’s declaration that Usagi isn’t good enough to be with Seiya. 4. “Seiya tried to make the rooftop scene about herself and used it as a way to try to take Mamoru’s place in Usagi’s life.” This whole entire scene is consistently misinterpreted and has all of the context ripped from it, because that is not what that scene is. No, it 100% was not the best time for Seiya to ask that question (and no, it is not “can I take his place?” that she says,) but people tend to forget that Usagi is not the only vulnerable person in this scene and it isn’t just about her. It is Seiya who triggers Usagi’s emotional breakdown on accident, and in these moments she is watching the person she loves crumble into pieces. The rooftop scene is about both of them and the context makes that clear. Up until this point, the only person who knew that Mamoru wasn’t keeping in contact with Usagi was Seiya. None of the girls knew, none of them. Imagine the amount of trust Usagi had to have in Seiya in order to share that incredibly sensitive information with her and with no one else, not even her closest friends. Usagi had told Seiya a whole 13 episodes before this one, and since finding out Seiya tried her best to make Usagi happy and to keep her mind busy. It isn’t until a few episodes after this that everyone including Seiya finds out that Mamoru is dead. So Seiya spends all of this time believing that Mamoru ditched Usagi when he moved overseas and that he’s a horrible boyfriend who obviously doesn’t care about Usagi. This is naturally hurtful to Seiya, who grows to genuinely like and love Usagi through the season. She cares for her and doesn’t want to see her in pain, which is why she does her best to help Usagi feel less alone. There is no point in the season where Seiya’s intentions are to maliciously shove herself into Mamoru’s place in Usagi’s life. She has no idea who Tuxedo Mask is. She had no idea that throwing the red rose - her own personal trademark - was going to trigger such an emotional response from Usagi. So here they both are on this rooftop in the middle of the pouring rain. Usagi’s breaking down over how alone she feels, and Seiya’s suddenly faced with the realization that not only did she cause this breakdown, everything she had been trying to do to help her wasn’t working and she failed again. She couldn’t save her system/planets, 99.9% of her people are literally dead because she wasn’t strong enough to save them, and she and the other two members of her team had no idea where their princess was or even if she was okay until the episode before this one. Immediately after the destruction of everything they knew, the Starlights had to flee to an alien planet with alien people, disguise themselves, and pander to a bunch of complete strangers that salivated over, stalked, and harassed them, all while searching for their princess  and fighting the minions of the person who ctrl+a ctrl+x’ed their home system. She had no time to process any of the unimaginable loss and failure she had suffered through. When people talk about the rooftop scene and about how Seiya “makes it about herself,” this is everything they’re forgetting. When Seiya is asking Usagi if she isn’t good enough, it isn’t Seiya trying to weasel her way in, it’s Seiya both coping with her own numerous losses and trying to remind Usagi that she’s there for her. In the end, Seiya is the one that Usagi credits with being able to get herself through everything she was dealing with.

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna talk about Natsuo Todoroki for a second here.

tw// mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide

Natsuo visibly has the most emotional trauma out of anyone else in his family (Touya not included), and I really wanna talk about why that is.

For starters, we haven't seen him really smile since he was introduced in chapter 187. He's introduced as having a friendly, easygoing persona and it's easy to imagine this is how most people outside of his family know him. However, every time we see him appear since then, another layer of his trauma is revealed and expanded upon, and it cuts DEEP.

I think the main reason that Natsuo still seems so vulnerable compared to the rest of his family is different than what you'd assume. Fuyumi and Shouto both spend a lot of time around Endeavor, and have been in close proximity to his (relatively recent) decision to atone. They have seen his growth firsthand and come to terms with it. Rei has obviously taken a very different path to healing- not entirely voluntarily- but she has been working with doctors and therapists for years to change and recover and reconnect with herself and her children. Natsuo is off at college, and takes every opportunity he can to avoid Endeavor. He (understandably) wants nothing to do with him, and shows stagnant resistance to his attempts to atone.

The reason why Natsuo can't move on from the past is because his trauma didn't come from Endeavor. It came from Touya.

Now initially we were led to believe that it was simply Touya's untimely death that still bothers Natsuo, and it makes sense seeing how Endeavor drove him to the edge. Losing his best friend and brother as a young kid without parents to support him or any therapist to speak of can absolutely been the source of persistent emotional damage, but the more and more we learn about Touya's situation, the more evident it becomes that Natsuo's trauma is much much deeper than even grief.

Touya, as we know, was driven by an ambition instilled in him by his father and experienced extreme rejection sensitivity when those ambitions were no longer realistic. Touya's relationship with his parents could be described as insecure attachment, a psychological term primarily regarding how kids react and respond to their parents and other close relationships. As he was raised, Touya learned to equate his potential to be a hero with his personal worth and similarly confounded attention with love. The difference being, of course, that love is unconditional, but even attention was being continually directed away from him as a punishment for continuing to train and burn himself so he could once again become worthy in his fathers' eyes.

This is where Natsuo comes in. At first it was assumed that all of the Todoroki children were born out of Endeavor's strong-willed desire to have a child that could surpass All Might, but we learned that this isn't exactly the case. I'd argue that it was narratively poetic on Horikoshi's part once this was expanded upon. Fuyumi was born to support and encourage her brother, and that is the exact role she plays 23 years later, keeping her family together.

Natsuo's case is even more intersting.

It was bad enough if Natsuo was only born for the potential of his quirk, but it's even more sinister that the sole intent behind his birth was to discourage Touya from his ambitions. I'd say it was to replace him, but it was more to promote the idea that Touya was expendable than to raise aonther kid with the same ideals but the potential to actually achieve it, although that was definitely a secondary motivation.

The parallelism in this is how much Natsuo's life revolves around Touya. He was born because of Touya, he looked up to and took care of Touya as a kid, and the absence of Touya in the present continues to drive him and his decisions in life (but more on that later).

I continue to pray that we will eventually get more solid backstory on Natsuo and Touya's relationship as kids and where it cut off, wether on a bad note or not, but there are a few things we know for certain. One, Touya was mentally ill. Yes, he was rejected by his parents but he seems to have been particularly vulnerable to this compared to any of his siblings since he was the first of them and thus relied only on his parents for validation in his early years. He shows early signs of a variety of different mental disorders, particularly BPD, which I have previously written a whole analysis for on its own. Touya is shown self-harming both by the very nature of his quirk and even by very directly ripping his hair out. He was incredibly self-destructive.

This is why it is so much more concerning to me that Natsuo, who was AT LEAST four years younger than him, was his primary source of comfort. Natsuo was too young to have known anything more than 'my big brother is sad that daddy won't train him anymore' and he obviously wasn't equipped in any way to handle Touya's severe mental illness. Touya most definitely needed professional treaatment as his forms of coping were abnormal even for the neglect and rejection that he experienced. Natsuo comforted Touya through breakdown after breakdown, and more than that Touya relied on him and came to him voluntarily for support. Natsuo was the best option he had, and he took full advantage of that. The main source of Natsuo's trauma was Touya's reliance on him.

Not to say at all that this was in any way Touya's fault- he was mentally ill and desperately in need of some form of comfort to keep him sane; it was almost a survival method at this point since neither of his parents really acknowleged him at all anymore. Touya's instability hurt Natsuo more than parental neglect ever did, but it was the neglect that enabled it and striped Touya of the supportive atmosphere he would have needed at this point not only to prevent but to heal from the mental damage he had already suffered.

Natsuo dealt with this for years and you can see how much it hurt him to see Touya in so much pain, not only from Endeavor's rejection but from his own self harm as well. For Natuso to know that his brotherly love would never be the same as having loving parents; would neve be enough- but at least it was something so he continued to love and care about his brother for little in return- is indicative of the kind of character he is.

(Edit: After the events of chapter 302 we know that Natsuo's relationship with Touya wasn't perfect. I will elaborate more on this in a different post, but I just wanted to clarify that although we were shown a very high-tension scene between them, it is implied that this was a regular occurrence that Natsuo was usually more receptive too but tired out of, in addition to Touya's spiraling mental health. It fit with the natrative to show the tension Touya was feeling with his family from all directions, but Natsu and Touya clearly had a stronger relationship up to and before this point, evidenced by their sharing a room and playing together regularly.)

He is incredibly selfless, and it's interesting to note how many of his positive qualities as an adult stem from negative experiences as a kid. He never really felt love from his parents, so he relied on Touya (and likely also Fuyumi) for that as well. If he grew up learning he had to give love in order to recieve it back, it absolutely influenced who he became in the future, a solid example of this being the responsibility he feels to reach out and have a relationship with Shouto and further regrets that he wasn't able to help his abuse in the past either. Another aspect of his character that intruigues me is how gentle he is. Personality-wise he seems about as opposite as he could be from the awkward, stoic, emotionally-stunted person that is Endeavor.

There are a couple of reasons for this, beyond what I've already discussed.

One, he had little to no contact with elements of toxic masculinity growing up, especially not from Endeavor.

Two, most of the influence he did have growing up was from Fuyumi, who is established to have endlessly cared for him since he was a literal baby.

Three, he grew up in a household where almost everyone around him was in much more literal, immediate pain than he was so he developed a very strong sense of empathy that might also have been tied to early survivor's guilt.

Now I have one important distinction to make, and that's the temptation to label him as a 'softboy' or something of the like after seeing him caring for his family and more pointedly, watching him break down in tears during chapter 252. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being soft or vulnerable (on the contrary it's actually so so important and relevant that Hori is writing characters like this in a mainstream shounen manga but that's an essay for another time), it is unfair to label him as such based on a moment when his trauma is being exposed.

Because his truama stems from such a young age, there is a blurry line between just being born with more emotional intelligence and the situation he was in fostering those traits. You know, the classic nature/nurture thing. My point being, it's important to tread carefully when discussing the nature of his personality to avoid invalidating his trauma; I have no doubt that he is very strong for having survived these things, and the moments we see of him onscreen are definitely among his most vulnerable.

Another thing that people less familiar with Natsuo's character might assume is that he is hot-headed and argumentative. I thought that at first too- after all, he doesn't seem to shy away from yelling at Endeavor when given the opportunity. However, this doesn't seem to be the case at all.

The first real scene we see him in with Endeavor, the man walks into the room and Natsuo decides he can't handle it and goes to leave. However, Endeavor happens to be blocking the doorway. Endeavor physically stops him and provokes him to his face, asking him to say whatever is on him mind. While Natsuo is notably not confrontational, Endeavor is. I think it's fair to say that he felt at least uneasy at this gesture. Natsuo is very honest with his feelings, and it's obvious that he's pissed at the audacity of Endeavor to be so oblivious to his own son. This is presumably one of the first real interactions they've ever really had, and at this point Natsuo has been dealing with trauma (caused by Endeavor!) on his own for years, and Endeavor seems completely oblivious to his pain and dismmisive to the rest of the family's as well.

Again during the internship arc Natsuo tries to get along with Endeavor and this time he actually gives it a fleeting chance. Tensions are high, however, and the conversation very quickly becomes uncomfortable, at which point he leaves. It is continually implied that Natsuo is uncomfortable being around Endeavor because his very presence brings up painful thoughts and memories of a time when sharing the same space as him was a warning to run and hide. This is later directly confirmed by Natsuo as he says that every time he looks at Endeavor's face he remembers Touya and the pain he was in.

I feel like an important side note is that we have never seen Natsuo outside the context of his family, which is understandable, as the role he plays in the story directly relates to them. However, if you take a look at Shouto, even though his experiences have shaped him to become who he is, he definitely acts differently when Endeavor's not in the vicinity.

Back to Touya's death, it would be very rare that someone would mourn a death for an entire decade without finding closure unless there are other factors preventing it, and uncomfortably this seems to be the same thing for both Natsuo and Endeavor: guilt.

This is getting incredibly long already, but it's important to note that Natsuo probably felt an incredible responsibility to take care of Touya and protect him because of his empathetic nature. His love was never going to be the same as having loving parents. His encouragement was never going to be the same as having support from Endeavor. Even further than then neglect and abandonement, it was not being able to save Touya that really made Natsuo feel worthless.

He seems to try and remedy this inability to save Touya and diminish his guilt by doing everything he can to be better. He reaches out to Shouto to be a better brother, he consistently pushes his limits to entertain Fuyumi's notion of a happy family, and he's working hard towards a degree rhat will allow him to help people like Touya (and Rei) because he failed to do so in the past.

His bio mildly implies that he didn't have much of a direction he was heading in after high school, but Fuyumi's encouragement led him to seek out his current college career. This goes back to Natsuo's 'purpose' in a sense revolving arount Touya, from his birth to his relationship with him to his death, after which he lost his direction. They were always rather inseperable, so naturally their seperation hit Natsuo hard. He lost his direction in life so when Fuyumi encouraged him to rediscover it, he thought of helping people, because that's ultimately what he was born to do.

Thank you so, so much for reading this if you made it to the end! I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this. Let me know what you think about it as well, and hopefully we'll get more info on this soon in the manga :)

[justwonder113]

I saw that you're gonna start writing haikyuu fanfic and !!! I have a request if you don't mind. Daichi with a girlfriend (or partner if you prefer writing gn) who is usually very tough (not necessarily stoic or mean) they're pretty physically strong and generally have spent their lives looking out for themselves and everyone else(v self sacrificial... probably to an unhealthy degree) and daichi and them have a fight and they just sorta break down about how they always have to look after themselves and everyone else and how no one's ever been the one to protect them and they just want a moment where they don't feel like they have to fight all the time, perhaps ends in fluff? Idk if you like the idea I would love to read your take on it but if not that's totally cool!:)

Hi there, thank you so much for an amazing request like this it was an amazing challenge for me and I really hope you like it, I'm really sorry I haven't been able to update it earlier, it's just it turned out harder than I imagined, but I'm really glad I finished it, I really enjoyed writing it maybe it's because I know the feeling but i don't know, I hope this is what you had in mind and I hope you will like it too.

Daichi x ( f)Reader (but nothing's really implied so basically I think it's gn, have to proof read it again.)

WARNINGS:Angst to fluff, mental breakdown and anxiety attack, also a reader who isn't somfortable showing their emotional side and is more of a lone wolfs who can take care of everything by themselves.

Word cound; around 3k

You didn't even know when you started shielding yourself from everyone and everything or when was the first time you thought that you had to be the one in control of everything all strong and all, but it was part of you now definitely. You didn't think of it as something bad and you certainly didn't expect that your timidness could lead you to having an argument with your boyfriend.

For as long as you knew you were the one taking care of everything, you dealt with your own stuff and sometimes even helped others with theirs. It was always like that and at this point you just got used to it.

You liked the fact that you were this reliable, strong and independent person in the other's eyes. It made you feel better about yourself. Just knowing that people felt like they could trust you and come up to you was kind of ego boosting. It was also good knowing that there were people who looked up to you and admired you.

You were fine with keeping up this image if you knew that you made others feel at least somewhat better with your words of advice.

You knew how important it was sometimes to just let everything out but you were not like so many of your acquaintances, you couldn't just go to someone and vent out everything you had in you no matter howuch you trusted them or how approachable they were. Firstly, if you were to open up to someone you would need to have really deep trust to the said person, and secondly you just couldn't vent out because you knew how it felt like to be on the receiving end.

You loved your friends and you would move mountains for them, you really appreciated that they felt safe with you and trusted you, but sometimes being on the receiving end all the time and taking all this negativity away from them was really emotionally draining. Like some people would come up to you whining about all the drama in their lives and how miserable they were, they would let out everything and then would just leave without even asking how you were doing. You just couldn't do the same to the others no matter how much you were going through, you wouldn't burden them with your problems and all your drama. Even if it meant storing everything inside for all eternity.

Well it wasn't like you didn't want to let your emotions out and vent out everything to everyone, to let someone else help you bear this burden at least once, especially at times when you felt most vulnerable, then dealing with all this seemed impossible, whenever you were so stressed that it was affecting your lifestyle, you couldn't eat drink or sleep normally. Or whenever everything seemed to pile to the point that you felt this horrible tightness in your chest area, when your stomach was swirling nonstop and you felt claustrophobic, when your breathing was shaggy and your mind was foggy yet wouldn't stop working and kept coming up with all those unnecessary thoughts. Those were the times when you truly felt that no matter how strong and capable you were you didn't want to be alone. You didn't want to be this strong person for just this moment, you didn't want to be the one in control you wanted to be the one taking cared of and being pampered. You wanted to just let go knowing that someone was there to listen to you, to hold you when you finally fell apart.

You thought that maybe you were shielding everyone from this side of you, you didn't want to burden them, you didn't want to come as overbearing and maybe you were shielding yourself from them too, because what if others found you annoying, too weak, fragile and unable to take care of everything. Maybe they would find out that, in the end, you were nothing special, you were too pain and just not worth it, so it was a perfect defence mechanism.

You weren't doing anything wrong right? So then why was it the reason you got in the fight with your boyfriend? Why was something that was meant to protect you this much pain? And why couldn't you say anything even after this? Why were you still terrified of speaking up? You were talking about Daichi whom you trusted with your whole life. A man who was willing to be with you trhough thick and thin. You didn't know anyone else who was more reliable and kind or sweet like him. You felt thankful everyday that you had him by yourside, he made almost everyday better for you.

Maybe that's why you were so afraid to speak up? That he was so perfect? Maybe after seeing this side of yours he would realize how much more he deserved. He would realize how flawed you actually were and that you were not worth all this trouble and that terrified you. You were most definitely not ready to end things with him, not that you were thinking that you would ever be. Daichi was the one thing you wanted constantly in your life, you were hundred percent sure of it. He was really precious and dear to you even though he didn't really believe you now.

You felt that you were slowly losing control over yourself and gripped yourself tighter, to make you feel more safe. It felt like the walls were closing down on you and you felt claustrophobic even though you were on the balcony and the chilly wind was hitting you in the face. Your whole body was trembling but not from the cold weather or your chilly out of place attire. You felt numb like there was nothing inside you, only this heavy thing on your chest and all this thoughts that were only making things worse.

What was the time even? You lost track of it trying to regain yourself, it had to be really late, as you watched horizon you noticed that sun would soon start to rise, you stayed up all night huh? Daichi would wake up soon too to go to work too, how could you avoid him then? You didn't know what to tell him, what to do. You coudln't even go to bed, to lay next to him, you felt guilty because you knew that as much as you had your reasons to act this way he had them too and he also was in pain because of you, because he thought that you didn't trust him and didn't love him enough. You felt terribly guilty because you couldn't even manage to say anythin after he opened up to you, after he showed you his vulnerable side. Daichi wasn't the one to openly talk about his emotions so you knew what it cost him too. You hated yourself so much for it.

You couldn't really stop the tears at this point, any second now you would fall apart and you didn't even know if you would be able to pick yourself up before he woke up.

"Y/N?" You heard a deep grumble making you jump. You looked back to see your boyfriend looking at you with wide eyes. In seconds he was next to you wiping your tears away, scanning your face carefully. "You're freezing! What are you doing here? Didn't you go to sleep? What about your clothes? Where is your robe? You will catch a cold!" He kept mumbling to himself while rubbing your cheeks gently, he looked completely awake now. How did he care about you so much after you hurt him this bad, how did he not leave? Why was he so worried about you? Were you really worth it? Why did he really love you? So many whys were piling up in your head.

You felt this tightness against your heart and you doubled over holding your chest tightly. The sobs kept breaking our from your mouth and your whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Daichi immediately took you in his arms and took you inside sitting you both on the bed and wrapping a blanket around you to at least somehow warm your freezing body. His large hands immediately found their place around you as he helped you sit on his lap, rubbing soothing circles there and there to help you calm down whilest murmuring against your neck to just keep breathing.

"I'm here love, you're safe, you can let it all out." He mumbled and placed a kiss on your shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere... You're safe, I'm here with you." You continued sobbing you couldn't really stop now, it was as if the dam was finally broken, you couldn't really hold anything in even if your life was on the line Daichi was the only one grounding you. Thankfully Daichi didn't even think of letting go, he held you in his arms and let you let everything out. It felt like you've been crying for hours, eventually fatigue must have taken over because the next thing you saw was total darkness.

When you opened up your eyes the first thing you noticed was the brightness, it must have been at least noon now. The next thing was two arms still being tight around your frame.  Your head was still on Daichi's  shoulder. He must have moved you both because both of you were under a blanket now, still in yesterday's attire. You felt a bit sore, but that must have been from sitting for hours on the balcony. Your head hurt like crazy, it felt like you had one of the worst hangovers, you could swear you could hear slight ringing.

"Are you awake love?" Daichi asked quietly to check if you were really awake, he shifted slightly groaning quietly, it made you jolt up which was a bad decision because your head hurt even more now.

"Were you like this all night? God I'm sorry it must have been so uncomfortable!" You felt guilty seeing that he spent all night sitting against bed frame having you in his lap. It must have been really uncomfortable.

"It's fine, I didn't really want to let you go. How could I, I think it was the first time I have ever seen you cry. It scared the hell out of me when I saw that you were not in the bed and then it scared me even more when I saw that you were on the verge of breaking down on the balcony at 4am. How are you feeling now?" He took your hand in his and looked at you expectantly.  You froze, it was what you were afraid of, you made him worry so much and he saw how pathetic you could get, on top of it you made him spend whole night like that just because he felt responsible of you. "Okay I can hear gears in your head shifting and based on your look right now I'm pretty sure you're thinking unnecessary stuff. Just don't hold back talk to me, please?" He looked at you with pleading eyes, squeezing your hand tighter.

"I made you worry, and you spent the whole night holding me in that uncomfortable position all because I couldn't hold it in and was weak." You mumbled in shame.

"Who said that I thought you were weak?" Daichi asked and he honestly looked dumbfounded.

You took a deep breath and looked away. "I'm saying it, I hate it when I can't control my emotions and act like a whiny crybaby. I hate whenever it happens, and everything seems out of my control, and I especially hate it there's another one to witness it. I don't want people to see how weak I am." You finally said it and looked down in shame wrapping your hands tighter around your frame. You looked up when Daichi pinched both of your cheeks and inspected your face again. "Ow Dai what are you doing?" You whined.

"Had to make sure you were human and not a robot." He smiled at you and kissed your hand. " I will tell you a secret, I have never thought that you were at least somewhat close to being weak, in fact you're probably one of the strongest people I have ever met. I admire you, I really do.  You're so strong, confident, this powerful person whom everyone loves and admires including me." He placed another kiss on your temple, "you don't know how proud I am to be called your boyfriend! And I don't see this habit of yours as something bad, I was out of line yesterday and I really hurt you saying that you don't trust me or love me, it was never my intention to make you worry this much and seeing you in that shape because of me really broke my heart. I know you trust me and I know you love me, you never fail to make me realize it. You're always there for me whenever I need it, through thick and thin, you always know what goes in my mind and always help me with whatever you can, I can't really count how many times you have helped me. You make every day brighter for me and I can't help but feel thankful that I have you. You don't have to worry about it okay? It's just that I got insecure and it really got to me that's why I was on edge yesterday and provoked an argument." He rubbed his neck  sheepishly when he noticed that you were dumbfounded, he took a deep breath to continue. " It's just that seeing you being all reliable and approachable made me question if I was doing at least remotely good job being there for you too, you're always doing everything on your own like you don't need anyone else to do what's needed and I was worried that you would realize that you didn't really need me. I guess it was my own way of saying that I needed some sort of confirmation." He rubbed his neck looking away from you, "I know you're capable of taking care of yourself and that you don't like showing your vulnerable side, that's completely understandable but you're a human too. You shouldn't just hold everything in, you have to let it out at some point and I want to be there for you when that happens. I like that you're always there for others, for me but I don't want you to forget about yourself, I want you to think about yourself more. You're amazing, the most amazing human being and I thank the stars everyday that I met you. But when I see you struggling hut still trying to shrug it off to play it off because you don't want to burden anyone or just because you're not used to asking for help really breaks my heart. I can't bear to imagine that something like yesterday can happen again. I've known you for years and no matter how much you try to hold it in I notice when you're struggling. I know you have been stressed a lot these days, you don't eat nor sleep like you used too and there's also some other signs. I wanted to give you time, you would approach me when you felt like it but when you never did I started questioning whether or not was I a reliable partner for you. Now I realize I was just feeling pretty and how much my words actually hurt you." He leaned his forehead on yours, "I'm sorry love." Listening to all this you could feel your your eyes start to water up but somehow you didn't really feel the urge to bring yourself together asap, you felt oddly comfortable.

"Have I ever told you that even tears look best on you? God how am I so lucky?" Daichi teased you and started littering your face with kisses making a smile break from you. You smiled fondly as you started to play with his hair, Daichi only hummed in appreciation. "Man, how am I so lucky?"

"Shut up, you're being sappy." You tested, Daichi grinned.

"I'm not the one in love with a sappy person," his eyes tingled with mischief.

"Well, I can't deny that, it's very much true." You purred and gave him a kiss, "I'm helplessly in love with a sap, who is the most amazing boyfriend, he's the most loyal, kind, dependable and amazing person, who makes me happy every day. I trust you the most and I know that I can count on you any time of any day. I didn't approach you because I didn't want to affect the mood, your life has been going on great and I didn't want ro ruin your good mood. I also knew that part of my problems were caused by me so I wasn't really in the mood to talk about it and I knew I had to be one to take care of everything, well I thought I could. Mostly I didn't want you to think I'm weak, I'm not that confident and powerful and I have many flaws I was kind of afraid you would see it and realize that you deserve better" you sniffed and rubbed You nose, you felt vulnerable, it felt as if you were naked and were showing yourself to Daichi, every word was stained and forced and it made you really uncomfortable but you wanted him to know everything, he deserved it. Daichi gripped your hand tighter to encourage you. "It's just I've been dealing with everything on my own since I remember, it was always me, at first it was really lonely but when people started noticing my independence and resourcefulness I kinda grew into it, it was like a confidence booster, but after that when I really needed help, when I was unable to come up with solutions I found it impossible to ask for help. I'm supposed to be strong I'm supposed to be smart so why am I asking for help to others? Can't I deal with this? I just can't find the power to go up to others even when I know that it's most reasonable thing. I know I can rely on you and you don't realize how much of a breather it's for me, and you help me in so many ways and I think you don't even realize that. I'm trying to say that I will try better and I will make sure to get over this problem but I will need time, but please remember that I really love you and I trust you with my life and I will do my best to make sure you know it okay?" You were amazed, it felt like something lifted of your chest and Daichis smiling face only made the feeling stronger. Tears were still streaming down your face but you didn't really care, this was who you were and you wanted to show it to him.

"You're not perfect love and you will never be" your heart skipped a beat at Daichi's serious tone, you felt terrified because it felt like the moment you dreaded the most, you knew he loved you but you also knew he was one of the reasonable guys, "the word is already flawed because nothing in this world is perfect, not you, not me and not everyone and not everything. Everything has it's flaws I have them as much as you do. You don't need to be perfect and you don't need to work yourself to fix your flaws. You are who you are and that's why I love you, I love everything about you including this so called weak side of yours. I love that you strive to be the best but I don't like that you're bringing yourself down to achieve it. You're amazing, you're capable, you're kind and you're smart and god you're so beautiful both on the inside and outside. I think I'm lucky I'm even breathing the same air as you, " he smiled cheekily at you making you giggle. "I want to say that you don't need to fix anything this is who you are and I love and support you, but if you want to improve I'm here and I will help you every step of the way. I will be always there for you, you don't even have to tell me anything just somehow point to me that you need me and I will do my best, we can talk about it for hours or we can just sit in silence for the whole night but you will know that I'm with you, just please don't be afraid to approach me, I will never judge you and I will never turn my back on you. In fact" Daichi got up and went to one of the drawers only to take out small box and return to you. You looked up at him with wide eyes. " I didn't plan on giving you this het because I wanted to plan this romantic evening but I think it's a good idea to give it to you now. Y/n you're the love of my life, and as cheesy as it sounds you're my sun, my moon and my stars, you make me feel more alive than I ever was and you just make everything better. I can't promise you a wedding or something in the near future but I want to give you this to let you know how serious I am about you and this relationship. I want to give you this as a sign that I will be there for you and I will love you till the rest of my days. I love every part of you and I want to help to teach you how to love them too." He put the box on your palm after he finished speaking, you were speechless, and torn between wanting to jump on him and drown him with kisses and proclamations of your love and curiosity of the box. You opened the box to find that beautiful ring you were eyeing few weeks ago when you went out with Daichi.

"I think I fell for you harder." You mumbled still in shock, you stared ar your new ring with lovesick eyes, which by the way sat perfectly on your fingers.

"well look who's being a sap now," Daichi grinned and kissed the hand you put your ring on. "But either way it's good because since I didn't go to work today I demand my cuddles now and I expect to be given them now, few kisses would be nice too." You giggles and got closer to him.

"Aww is my babyboy feeling needy?"You teased but still started kissing his face, Daichi smiled and nodded his head, holding you by the waist tightly. You smiled and got closer to him, everything felt just perfect. He really was your safe heaven.

[amaya-chwan]

Takeaways from Therapy Game Restart 14 + Illustration Book Release Date

Hello again everyone! ❤️💛💜

It's finally here... chapter 14! In all its glory! 😍🥰✨

Before we get to our takeaways, just some news I missed in the last post!

🎉 SENSEI'S ILLUSTRATION BOOK WILL BE RELEASED AROUND THURSDAY, 23RD SEPTEMBER! 🎉

Image taken from this Twitter post from Dear+!

It is titled "日ノ原巡イラスト集　DARLING" and boasts a collection of illustrations from Sensei's works so far: Secret XXX, Therapy Game, and Kamisama no Uroko.

The current price is ¥2970 with tax (¥2700 without tax). If you'd like to preorder it on your proxy shopping service, I've found it on the Comi Comi Studios website here! The bonus for purchasing it on this website is a B5 clear file~ I haven't seen it on Animate just yet, so fingers crossed it'll appear on their website soon with another (different) bonus! ❤️💛

Alright, with this amazing news done, let's move onto our takeaways, the long awaited takeaways! Thank you for being so patient with me! 💜

My short life update: currently in week 8 of lockdown and I haven't left my house in a long time other than for exercise or groceries. But I do have my vaccination appointment booked so YAY! 🎉

Here are our takeaways for this chapter:

Oh man, we pick right up from the last page of chapter 13. MINATO, BB, YOU LOOK SO PAINED! 😭

Sensei is the BIGGEST tease... that's all we got of that Minato and Shizuma scene...👀😭

The female staff at the veterinary hospital have really mellowed out! They're not bad, after all. ☺️

Oh dear, Nakajou-sensei, please get better ASAP!

Whoa... did Onodera just...?? I'm starting to think back to that Onodera discussion we had a couple of months ago... 🤔

Poor Shizuma, always roped into Onodera's workplace stuff! IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE GREAT PEOPLE SKILLS, SHIZUMA! PROUD OF YOU! 😍🙌

Man, Onodera has a really... blunt way of saying things to her human clients. Wow, brave. 😲

But I will say, Onodera really is good with animals. 🙌

Yet again, I think about that Onodera discussion we had... 🤔🤔

And that’s it for this chapter’s takeaways! For a more detailed breakdown/summary of this chapter, please continue after the cut! There may or may not be a surprise scene (or two) there. Please keep reading if you want to see~  😉✨

Our chapter begins where we left off in chapter 13--Minato pinning Shizuma down on the bed. Shizuma looks up at Minato and reflects on his actions that caused the pained look he is seeing.

Image taken from this Dear+ Twitter post!

On the next page (title page), the dialogue reads: Shizuma wants to understand what it is about his director (Onodera) that is making Minato uneasy. // However, that beautiful liar hides it well...

(I believe we are taken back to the morning before Shizuma and Minato meet up for their date.)

The title page features Onodera walking back to the clinic, bread in hand, with a cat cozying up on her leg. We are then brought to the clinic's lunchroom, with the female staff and Shizuma on break. The roster in the room shows that Onodera is extremely busy, Nakajou-sensei has afternoon house call appointments, Tatsumi is Nakajou-sensei's support for these appointments, and Shizuma has a half day and finishes in the afternoon in lieu of working on his scheduled day off.

Shizuma asks his coworkers what presents they like from their partners and takes note of their answers. One of the female nurses asks if it's Minato's birthday. Shizuma confesses that their relationship has been affected by the various things happening lately, so he wants to get Minato a gift before seeing him later that day.

The nurses quickly pick up that the gift is a "tribute" of sorts as this line of work means a lot of missed appointments and dates, and Shizuma confirms their suspicions. While the nurses realise male-male relationships and male-female relationships aren't that different in this aspect, everyone in the lunchroom is alerted to someone shouting Nakajou-sensei's name.

Shizuma and a nurse see Tatsumi with Nakajou-sensei, who has collapsed on the floor. While the staff are concerned about Nakajou's well-being, she brushes it off as a dizzy spell. Before they can help her up, Onodera sweeps her off her feet and carries Nakajou to her (Onodera's) office. While Nakajou asks Onodera to put her down out of sheer embarrassment, Shizuma and Tatsumi are in shock, with Tatsumi commenting on Onodera's manliness in that moment. One of the other nurses gently smacks Shizuma's shoulder and tells the two to grab a blanket and a drink for Nakajou.

In her office, Onodera asks Nakajou why she's been overworking herself to the point of collapsing. The nurse (who gave the gentle smack) very obviously hints to Onodera that it is her fault. As Nakajou calms the nurse by saying that's just how the director is, Tatsumi asks Nakajou about their afternoon appointments. She says she'll be fine to go after a little rest, but the nurse says she mustn't overexert herself.

After a few back and forths about who should go and the clients' needs/personality (picky about the vet, had a pet that doesn't like men, etc), Onodera says she will go. The nurses are shocked and reminisce about all the issues they've had when Onodera interacts with the owners. Tatsumi and Shizuma stand there, and can very clearly imagine those situations happening.

While Onodera rearranges and informs the nurses of the shift changes to accommodate Nakajou-sensei, Shizuma has a terrible premonition that unfortunately comes true: he is appointed as Onodera's support for the afternoon house calls.

Wearing a sulky expression, Shizuma packs the necessary equipment in Onodera's car and reminds her that he has a very important engagement that night that he cannot miss, and as such will leave immediately after the house call appointments are done. Onodera bursts his bubble, and tells him to give up on those plans while he can since this is the line of work he's chosen.

As Shizuma reads the client files, he questions Onodera on why he is her support when he's never attended to these clients before. While Onodera tells him that good coordination is important with a physician's support and that he's the only one she can rely on to give her an honest opinion and calm the clients, Shizuma realises that he's basically the mediator between her and the owners. She confirms that this is his strong point, has great expectations for him, and proceeds to drive. Shizuma then reads the patient files at lightning speed, realising there's a threatening 'something' that Minato has sensed, but that's just how the director is. He then vows to make it to their meeting tonight, no matter what.

The first three house calls, as expected, involve Onodera insulting and angering the owners--Onodera tells the first client that his insistence on seeing Nakajou rather than a 'young' director is having a negative effect on his pet who needs immediate medical care; Onodera offends the second client, inferring from their conversation that her pet's appearance is more important than the need to shave their fur and get an ultrasound done; Onodera accuses the third client of being irresponsible in caring for his exotic animals and asks for more effort on his part. In all three scenarios, Shizuma awkwardly smiles while trying to ease the tension.

The scene skips to Onodera and Shizuma arriving at their fourth and final house call for the day. Just as Onodera explains to Shizuma that she must check a whole host of things at house calls (and indirectly be too blunt about it with the owners), Shizuma asks her to consider the owner's feelings and change when and how she says things. She glares ahead in silence, and Shizuma is just glad that she is now aware of it. He again reminds her to talk with the owner nicely and gently as he probably won't be able to help with the next client as their pet dislikes men. Onodera tells him to just sit in the corner and witness the client become furious while he doesn't help, making him feel slightly guilty for saying that. He is now adament on not helping her.

They reach the owner's home and we meet an elderly woman named Shiratori and her 9-year-old male cat, Tono. Shiratori apologises to Shizuma as her cat doesn't like men. Tono hisses at them as Onodera opens his cage, but is then coaxed into submission by Onodera who covers his vision with a towel and takes him into her lap to calm down. Shiratori and Shizuma are surprised at his sudden docile nature, with Shizuma witnessing how well she deals with animals.

As Shizuma looks on at Onodera while she completes a check on Tono, he sees she is crumbling at the friendliness and talkative nature of Shiratori, who sings nothing but praise for Onodera and how her family must be proud to have such an amazing daughter. Aiming to ease her troubles and remembering the earlier guilt-trip she gave him, he redirects Shiratori's attention to her broken fly screen and offers to fix that plus everything else that needs repair in her home.

Onodera watches as the two leave the room for a bit before apologising to Tono for ignoring him. Tono looks on at Onodera happily while she asks him how he can live with such a lively human and to tell her his secret to this. She brings him into her arms once more to check his limbs, and as Tono looks up smiling at Onodera, Onodera sees her reflection in Tono's eyes, and both seem to realise something.

BG Text: Stare...

Suddenly, Shizuma and Shiratori, who are busy fixing the window, hear a loud crash and rush into the room to find Tono atop the cabinet and Onodera on the floor, with her hair in disarray. In the next panel, Tono is shown to be hiding in the bookshelf, looking on irritatingly at the humans. Shiratori apologises to Onodera, who shakes it off and says it's nothing to worry about and no harm's been done.

Shiratori asks if Onodera will fix/tie her hair up again, but when Onodera says her hair tie was broken when Tono used her as a launchpad to get on the cabinet, Shiratori runs to get her a new one. As Shiratori gushes over the 3 piece dopey looking character hair tie set she received as a present from her grandchild (and lets Onodera pick one), a greatly displeased look is plastered on Onodera's face. Shizuma, in shock, notices her displeasure and hopes she just thanks Shiratori for it. And Onodera does, bringing a great big smile to Shiratori's face.

As Onodera and Shizuma leave, Shiratori says she's glad to have talked with Onodera and invites her to come over again. As she says this, we see Onodera looking back with a blank look in her eyes.

And that’s it for this chapter! THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR! 💜 While I was surprised at the lack of Minato in this chapter (Sensei legit is such a tease, LOL 🤣), I'm happy we can learn more about Onodera. Ngl, I'm starting to really question if Onodera is male or female now, given what transpired in this chapter. I guess we shall see in the next one!

I also changed the formatting a bit and removed the bullet points. Please let me know which format is better/easier to read! Ahah!

EDIT: Spelling and grammar checks are done! Didn't change a lot, but hope it reads better! 💜

📢 As always, please support Hinohara-sensei by purchasing her books and CDs! 📢

And please also refrain from resharing these translations and images outside of this post! Thank you for understanding! ❤️💛

There won't be a chapter in next month's (September release) Dear+, so I shall see you in two months for the next chapter (Dear+ November Issue, to be released in October).

As always, stay safe during these turbulent times and look out for each other and for your loved ones! 💜❤️💛

[divinefireangel]

Your writing makes my mind wander and I’m in fluffy mood 😫 how would Sf9 console their s/o when they’re sad/upset/crying?

Thank you 🥺. I tri

Warnings: Talks about insecurity. Fights with parents. Angst. Content warning. Just in case. Just sad shit man, idek.

Youngbin

He's one to just pull you into his embrace without a word

He wraps his hands around you, trying to get you to calm down a bit and to nudge you closer into his chest

When you start telling him about what happened, he will patiently listen and nod looking at you, into your eyes to make you re-realize that he's right there

If you don't feel like talking about it, he just says "I know jagi" because at the end of the day he does

While hugging you he will rest his cheek on your head, sometimes pecking it but most of the time he will be telling you many reassuring things

He reminds you everytime how strong you are, how much you've endured and how greatly he admires you for everything

Inseong

He just gets so sad when he sees you crying

Like a genuine sad that he starts to get teared up

He's very likely to cry before you do

Embraces you so slowly cause he's so scared that you might cry harder if he does

And you do

Which just breaks his heart more

But he is a practical person

He keeps cooing while crying himself

And tries to talk to you and reminds you that he's there for you

That he will help you through every hardship and will also be there in your happy moments

Jaeyoon

"Uh oh" as soon as he sees your sad expression

When you try to shake your head no, you're okay, you don't have time for this, he will just tilt his heads to one side with a small sad smile and slowly open his arms for you

Letting out a shaky breath you feel yourself walking towards his inviting embrace

Once you breathe in his scent, you can't stop the tears cascading down your cheeks

Shushes you lovingly, telling you everything will be alright, that he's here so you don't have to keep your worries to yourself

His heart will ache when your fist his sweater that he's wearing

He is very likely to cry with you, but he doesn't want you to start tending to him so he will hold back his tears

Caresses your upper back while giving your tear stained cheeks small pecks in attempt to calm you

Dawon

He comes in front if you calmly

A soft reassuring smile on his face

And he tells you a stupid joke, hoping to take your mind off your problem

But when it doesn't work, he clicks his tongue in disapproval

Tells you that you are his sunshine and serotonin

What ever even happened to make you cry

And while saying so, he's already hugging you into his warm hoodie clad torso

One hand is petting your head

Other is around your torso, becoming you to fall and let him hold you up

Sighing he starts telling you a story of a brave person who goes through so much on their own, even when there are so many people who will happily help take their burden off them

He says that this person thinks they it all figured out all the damn time, but they don't. And that is okay. Because they are human, and humans can be only so strong for so long. All they can do is give their best everyday, even when it seems impossible or hard. And that human is you.

Zuho

He will start crying before you do

When he sees you trying to fight back tears, water starts collect in his eyelids

Slowly approaches you and places a kiss on your forehead, the first year falling at that instant

Wraps one arm around your body, turning you into his

The other cradles your head to his neck, breathing raggedy, trying to calm the both of you

To be honest, he will just sink onto the floor with you still in his arms

Makes you sit on his lap while letting you cry your worries out as he just pets your hair, trying to comfort you quietly as you let it all out

Rowoon

When you say sorry and sink to the ground, he feels like his heart is physically paining

And it only gets worse when you start to shake, crying out loud cause you've had too much

Too much of not feeling good enough, too much of wanting to be better but not being able to, too much of nagging from your family for not listening to them, so you just breakdown in front of him

Thinking, why is he dating this mess of a person, when he's so perfect

What you didn't notice was how he rushed to your side as soon as your knees hit the ground

How he pulled you to lean on him and how he was repeatedly saying no to every negative remark you said about yourself

He'll be crying into your hair, struggling to breathe and feeling bad himself for being too caught up in work to not even realize how much you were going through alone without him

Once you've calmed down a bit, his lips are all over your face, kissing away your tears and between each kiss he compliments you softly, telling you how wonderful you are, how happy you make him and how much good he must have done in his previous life to have found you in this one

Yoo Taeyang

"I'm fine"

It was a big fat lie and he knew it cause he can see right through you

Tries his best to make you look into his eyes

Cause he knows you're upset and he also knows that looking at him, or even him in general is your weakness

If comfort was a person, it's him

When you look at him, his worry filled sad eyes, the creases on his forehead, mouth slightly parted, you just feel tears form in your eyes

Before you can fall or lean on something, he'll be wrapping his arms around your shoulders

Pulling your head to rest on his chest as your body shook from the tears of pain streaming down your face and onto his forearm

Rests his head on top of yours, silently listening to your incoherent words mixed with sobs as he cries too, unable to bear seeing you in such anguish

Hwiyoung

When he sees you fighting tears

His smile just drops

And he approaches you slowly to pull you into his chest

Hiding you away from your pain

When your shoulders shake and silent sobs leave your mouth and hands fist his shirt, his arms are crushing you into him

Trying his best to keep you warm, rubbing your back and arms to calm you

When you do calm a little, he cradles your face in his palms and gives you a sweet kiss on the lips

Then on the nose and apples of your cheeks

He pulls you close again, resting your head in his neck while roacking the both of you side to side tardily

Chani

You'll just be sitting in your chair after a phone call with your mom

Well it was more of a fight, and so naturally you feel your eyes fill up with tears

When you close your eyes and lean back, trying to send them back in, you feel Chani's lips press on your forehead

Opening your eyes you see him pull out another chair to sit next to you, taking your hand in his in the process

Squeezes your palm and looks at you with a small smile, asking you what happened and if you wanna tell him

While you rant to him or not rant to him, all he does is nod softly, offering you a cute smile every time you look at him with teary eyes

Pulls you to sit on his lap, cradling you in his warm chest and placing small kisses on your skin, wherever he is able to reach

Suggests a good solution to your problem, like either calling your mom tomorrow or visiting her if that's possible to sort the problem out

SF9 Masterlist

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝓐𝓾𝓻𝓸𝓻𝓪 𝓐𝓼𝔂𝓵𝓾𝓶: 𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝙼𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙, 𝚢𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛, 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚖, 𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎, 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚍𝚎𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚜. 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.

𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎! 𝙹𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚈𝚞𝚗𝚑𝚘 × 𝙿𝚜𝚢𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 (𝙵𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎)

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 𝟹𝙺

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: 𝙰𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝, 𝚂𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝙵𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏, 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙰𝚄

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I breathed out an airy and desolate sigh through my nose, obviously I unconsciously did it a little too loud as the raven haired male sitting across from me looked down at the floor.

"It was all my fault.....wasn't it?"

I looked up, the glasses sitting on my nose bridge tilting slightly that I had to push them back up so I could study his features, or should I say, his expressions. His eyelids never blinked once, his eyes were trained on the pattern of the carpet underneath him, but I knew his mind was elsewhere. I looked with pity at the bandages wrapped around his wrists, some of the edges stained with fresh blood. I gulped slightly, my stomach threatening to spill out my meager lunch of an apple and avocado toast slice from earlier. I could handle hearing patients tell and retell me about how they stabbed their parents to death, cut off their significant other's genitals because they were unloyal to them, even tackled a deranged lunatic that once tried to...... seduce me to put mildly.......

But to this day, I can't help but get dizzy when I treat or deal with patients who are self harming victims, because yes, they are victims. Victims of their own self loathing, guilt, and depressive state that isn't their fault. It just pains me so much to see them resort to such drastic measures...

But I'm also not stupid and know some, if not most only do it for attention or to manipulate others, and Yunho is a case not far from it. Which is why I was the one sent to deal with him. All the other psychologists would have fallen for his sad puppy eyes, good looks, well built physique and would have released him too early into the world. Not that he's dangerous and a threat to society, but he's not emotionally nor mentally stable to go deal with daily life yet. And I'm not a softie by any means even if I'm patient and meek doctor when necessary. But I'm objective and I seek deeper into the true person hiding behind the front they put in front of me.

"Do you believe it was your fault Yunho?" Usually one would get scolded for answering a question with a question, but I prefer this method in order to get my patients to reason and draw out their own conclusions......

And makes them pour out their true answers.

I watch Yunho ponder for a moment.

"It has to be- otherwise she wouldn't have...wouldn't have-"

He bites back a choked sob, teeth tightening and gritting against themselves as he fails to contain his tears. His hands cover his face as he begins to cry uncontrollably, desperate and heartwrenching wails resonating throughout the 4 walls keeping us company. Reaching for the purple plaid box on the coffee table between us, I take out a few tissues and stand up from my seat. Lightly tapping on his shoulder, I whisper a 'here' to him. He thanks me, but since he's crying too hard no sound comes out his throat. For the next few minutes, he's blowing out his runny nose, all red just like his eyes from crying too hard. He's sniffling while trying to control his previous hyperventilating session. I want to hug him or at least give him a pat in the back. But I can't, I can only sit back and try to imagine the agony he's probably going through, try to put myself in his shoes as I dive deep into the event that got him here in the first place:

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Coming back from a trip to the store, Yunho momentarily looks around confused when he heard his baby daughter crying. Quickly putting the bags on the kitchen counter, he makes his way over to the nursery that adjoined the main bedroom. Calling out for his wife, he receives no response as he walks down the hallway. He calls once more for her but stops midway as he opens the slightly ajar door. His heart stops beating and his veins run cold as he stares into the lifeless body of his beloved wife hanging in the room, feeling as if the oxygen is being ripped out from his lungs, suffocating slowly.

As if sensing his agitation, his daughter's cries from the other room grow louder, so much that they raise concern from their next door neighbor, a kind and sweet old lady who more than once has offered her help in watching over the child or help them out in any way she could. Typing in the passcode, she makes it there just in time to stop the tall male from inflicting more harm upon himself as he holds onto his wife's body in agony. Having been left with no choice, she immediately calls for an ambulance, who arrive there shortly and take him to a nearby hospital.

He was monitored 24/7 as he had a history of attempted suicide before. The nurses and doctors didn't want another episode to happen again, not wanting to leave a barely 1 year old fatherless as well as motherless. As an investigation went, police found a journal hidden deep between the mattresses on the bed. When they poured over the first pages, they knew there was much more to the story than just a doting husband who couldn't live without his wife, hence why he was relocated to the infamous asylum......

And a specialized woman was tasked to not only unmask the truth, but hopefully help a poor broken mind be put back together again.

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Hence why I'm here now, the folder I had read over and over again still on my lap. It honestly amazed me that I'd actually get to work on a case like this, and of course I took up the challenge of digging into a mind like Yunho's, not just to help him, but to leave a precedent for any other situations like this that came after.

"A precedent?" I remember the officer asking me.

"Yes. You'd be surprised just how common these types of toxic relationships there are in an everyday basis yet no one ever looks deeper because they're too focused treating a depressed person who's trying to kill themselves and don't focus on what they really are...."

Shutting the folder, I tucked it under my arm before turning on my heel.

"A manipulative individual who'll do anything to keep someone tied to them forever."

That's how I viewed Yunho, it's how I should be viewing him. At least until I could hopefully get him to change.

"How's......is my daughter ok?"

I let out a soft hum and nod as I scribbled something down on the notepad.

"She's fine. We're having someone take care of her in the meantime, don't worry."

Yunho let out a sigh of relief, fingers fidgeting against his thighs as he mustered up the courage to say something.

"Could I.....could I please see her?"

From the sad look in my eyes he could already tell the answer was negative.

"I'm sorry Yunho....I'm afraid until we see some improvement, we can't allow you to be reunited with her just yet."

I tried to keep my voice steady as I said that, bracing myself to possibly see him breakdown once more. He had already lost his wife and now learning that his only child was forced away from him could possibly send him spiraling down into another episode.

But Yunho instead took a deep breath and seemed calm.

"I understand.....it's ok..." I knew he was saying those last two words more to himself than to me.

Lifting his face up, he suddenly shocked me by looking so bright and rather happy.

"So I guess it's best if we begin right?"

Even to this day, I don't know whether I should have been delighted to have such a compliant patient.....

Or terrified.

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"Tell me Yunho, what was your first reaction when you saw your wife?"

A subtle hint of a smile curled at the corners of his lips.

"I thought she was the kindest and most caring person in the world, very pretty too. She just walked in and the room instantly lit up."

He was reminiscing about those times, I could tell. That fond look on his face was unmistakable.

"Do you believe you fell in love at first sight with her?"

His smile suddenly dissipated, eyebrows scrunching together as if recollecting memories from so long ago.

"I think.......I felt attracted to her.....but.....I don't think it was love?"

I could tell he felt conflicted with himself, but that's exactly what I wanted. I want him to question every feeling and sensation he felt at the moment so he could decide for himself if it was real or just a mere illusion he held. If he starts to second guess or question what he felt then he'd start reasoning and come to the conclusion that what he felt was wrong and mistaken. He'd see that his actions weren't justified.

"So when do you truly believe you fell in love with her?"

I stopped writing on my notepad and watched him close his eyes as he tried to pinpoint the exact time he felt whatever he thought was love.

"One night....one of our friends was feeling down in spirits. I witnessed how caring she was towards them...kindly reassuring them that they were loved, that they mattered. I vividly remember her kind eyes and loving smile as she comforted them. Then it hit me that she was that kind of person. Selfless, caring, doting, would sacrifice anything for her friends and family...... it was hard for anyone not to fall in love with her."

He turned his hand over, studying the wedding ring that he still wore to this day, the engravings of their initials being his prime interest.

"And at that moment I knew I had to have her. I couldn't let anyone else have her. I wanted her.... that love, compassion, empathy..her confidence and strong nature, I wanted-"

He stopped mid sentence and his eyes wizened in horror as he came to the realization I had foreseen long ago. He looked up at me, meeting my unwavering eyes that held no emotion at that moment.

"She had all the qualities I had always lacked in."

I took my glasses off and nodded.

"And I unconsciously wanted them for myself.... but the only way I could have them was...through her?" He seemed sickened with himself.

"Not exactly Yunho. You could have learnt to love yourself and raise your self esteem." I quickly scribbled my observation down.

"But I didn't. Instead I caged her up and slowly tore her down."

I couldn't help but let out an involuntary smile as he drew out that conclusion.

"Glad to know you've accepted that fact, even if it took several months for you to understand."

Shutting the notepad, I lifted myself up from my chair, straightening my blouse. Yunho followed suit.

"Is our session over?" He was always so polite, always escorting me out and holding the door open for me, which other doctors would have adamantly refused, too scared to come close to their patients. But not me. I let them have certain liberties at times.

"Not yet Yunho. As you've made remarkable progress, I got permission for you to see someone."

He was momentarily confused for a split second. Poor thing probably thought it was one of the nurses coming in to give him some new medication to take, which he hated with a passion. Stepping outside for a brief moment, I happily took the young baby in my arms, the little girl already used to seeing me as I always went to go see her after being with Yunho for a few hours. When I came back inside he had his back turned to me, once again staring off into nowhere. The light gurgled babbles the baby emitted caught his attention immediately. He whipped his head around so fast I thought he'd break his neck for a second. He teared up as the child began squealing in excitement as she recognized her father right away.

"Oh my-" He choked up with tears that he couldn't finish his sentence.

I calmly walked over to him, lightly bouncing the baby in my arms. Yunho hesitantly reached his hands out.

"Can I..?" He had such a hopeful glint in his eyes.

I didn't answer, I merely held his daughter out to him. As soon as she felt his embrace, she latched onto him as if he was one of the teddy bears she often slept with. Perhaps he was one.

No....he is one.

In my time of spending time with Yunho, I've come to strongly believe he is a sweet and tender individual. And judging by the way the little girl feels safe in his arms, I do believe he is capable of being truly loved.....

If he learns how to properly love not just someone else, but himself too.

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Stepping out of my car, I quickly grab the small pink bag on the passenger seat before locking it. Treading through the small patch of green grass, I ring the doorbell and wait for one of the occupants to open up for me. No surprise, I'm greeted by the same raven haired male I met nearly 3 years ago. He looks delighted to see me.

"Y/N. Hi!"

I wave at him, a small but genuine smile on my features.

"Hi Yunho. Did I come at a bad time?" I notice the apron covered in flour and leftover egg on it.

"Oh no not at all. Please come in."

Moving aside to let me pass, my nose catches the scent of baked goods filling the air. I can distinctly recognize the hints of lavender and french vanilla, an odd but surprisingly tasty combination. I spot out of the corner of my eye a little head peeking out from the kitchen, curious to know who had come to pay them a visit. Letting out a squeal, she quickly ran over to attach herself on my leg.

"Y/N!"

I chuckled and lightly run my fingers through her hair which was longer than the last time I saw it.

"Hi Jina, I see you've been baking something." We both chuckle as I scraped off some cake batter that had gotten on the tip of her button nose.

"Me and dad are making cupcakes for my friend's birthday party tomorrow." She explained.

"Wow that's a really nice gesture. I bet they'll turn out delicious."

Remembering that I was short on time and that I had one last task to carry out, I pull out the bag I had hidden behind my back and hand it to her.

"It's for you."

Her eyes began to sparkle so much they could rival all the stars in the galaxy. After thanking me like 20 thousand times, she plopped her tiny body on the couch to tear into the contents inside it. I shake my head before taking out a small paper from inside my trench coat.

"And this is for you."

Taking the slip from my fingers, Yunho opens it up and scans what it says. He seems confused for a moment, not fully understanding what it means. He looks to me once more, probably for the last time, asking for an explanation.

"It's your official release from the institution. No more drop in visits, no more eyes on you 24/7, and soon you won't have to continue with the prescribed medication, although when that happens they will send someone once in a while to check up and make sure you're ok without them."

Yunho nods but it is a rather sad and pained nod.

"So this means you won't be seeing us any longer?"

I inhale deeply and nod.

"This was a temporary thing until you got better Yunho. After all....I was only the doctor assigned to you."

It hurt me to say that as much as it probably hurt him, as much as it'd hurt Jina to know I wouldn't be coming back anymore.

"Can't we at least be friends?"

I hated seeing those puppy eyes of him practically beg me, signature trait he passed on to his daughter.

"That would be completely unprofessional of my part Yunho. I deeply cherish and treasure all the time we spent together and I'm beyond happy and satisfied that you've come so far since the start of our journey..."

I sighed deeply.

"But every journey has an end." He finished my sentence.

Extending his hand out to me, I took it and gave it a firm shake.

"I'm really going to miss you." He admitted.

"Me too. Me too."

Going over to the momentarily forgotten 4 year old, she let out an 'oof' when she suddenly found herself cooped up in my embrace.

"Take care of yourself and of your dad ok?"

I kissed the top of her head, her grinning face not registering that this might be the last time she ever saw me. Yunho walked me out the door and even escorted me all the way to my car. Always the gentleman, he held the door open for me. Before I could even get one foot inside, I felt a large hand grip my wrist. Turning to him, I was flustered when he suddenly pulled me close to him.

"Please don't leave. I need you....I..."

He looked conflicted with himself as he tried to finish his words. Taking a deep breath, he confessed:

"I love you."

My heart sank. He said the 3 words I hoped he'd never direct at me. Mainly because I was scared as he was. Don't get me wrong, Yunho is a wonderful man, and he truly deserves to be loved....

But am I certain that he has finally learned to love? Or is it because he feels he needs me?........

Only one way to find out.

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