#I have to pay for my wedding and also I need clothes that fit

[thembohux]

Once I have money to use on such a treat, I will be commissioning art of Layla’s monster/demon form

[catdemontraphouse]

Through having an autism moment for one of my favorite movies and its related medias (the current Beetlejuice fixation) I came to the following conclusions:

*Beetlejuice’s favorite color is probably red, which is probably a reference to the color of the star he’s named after

*Beetlejuice enjoys fashion and could even possibly be considered a designer (yes rly) Despite being a grungy character who’s known for being smelly and gross… he is a designer/seamstress with a vested interest in fashion???

Yes I’m going to explain in horrifically unnecessary detail. (It’s the autism) and yes this draws from all the juices but tbh any one of them would work as a stand-alone example (except maybe musicaljuice but he’s critical to the sewing part and also he’s the cute one)

————————-

The argument for Beetlejuice being an amateur designer:

There’s an interview somewhere with the costume designer for the musical that says they wanted the pinstripe black and white suit to look like it had been repaired and modified over the years, because since Beetlejuice was a loner, he’d been solely responsible for making and maintaining his wardrobe. So like, he sewed his own suit by his lonesome out of fabric of some sort. Because if it was magic why the hell would it need repairs? Which suggests at least to me that he *enjoys* making clothes because why go through all that work if you can materialize anything at will? And I mean it fits so, I’m sure it wasn’t his first ever pattern making and sewing experience.

There’s also the way toonjuice refers to his suit as having “never been washed” on numerous occasions so I don’t reckon it’s something he just makes from magic and poofs into nothingness on the fly? Though toonjuice could be argued to buy his clothing since they never stated he made it and he lives in some kinda monster city idk. I’m saying that suggests physical matter somehow not like, idk a temporary illusion? If you can wash it, it has some sort of mass to it right?

Listen, why the fuck a guy who can make his own patterns and sew an entire suit would not wash it is beyond me but okay. Anyways the point is there’s a suggestion being made here by the franchise that Beetlejuice makes his own clothing in the traditional way by sewing together some sort of permanent matter. I can’t say I get the same impression from moviejuice though. There’s not much to suggest his clothing isn’t just temporary magic bullshit, save for the visible decay… ok wait maybe it is made of permanent material. 🤷‍♀️ either that or the dust, tattering and moss is a fashion choice? 🤨🤨

Ok so for this next part let’s just like, put aside the weirdness going down with the wedding thing in the movie (btw I’ve seen it numerous times and I feel like it’s def “a green card thing” in the original as well, pay attention to the characters’ behaviors/interactions throughout the film with one another and u can see what I mean.)

Beetlejuice probably designed that red wedding dress right? Because he materialized it or pulled it out of thin air or whatever? And the matching red tux, same thing. I kinda think that was the fashionista in him taking the excuse to make dramatic evening wear lol. Using Lydia as a Bratz doll dressing her up in his designs smh

There’s also how jazzed up and amused he was by turning Otho into a walking fashion faux pas, or at least I have to assume that’s what he was doing when he ripped the guys outfit apart and replaced it with something that caused Otho to scream in terror. How tf does a smelly guy in a crypt know what’s considered a style no-no unless he’s into this shit lol

Oh and uh if you’ve ever seen the cartoon he dresses himself up in all sorts of little outfits on the fly, like very frequently. If nothing else he’s coming up with the concepts for these clothes, maybe not constructing them himself in every version of the franchise but he’s at least designing the outfits in all of them or so I assume. He also gives other characters makeovers or new outfits on various occasions. It seems for Beetlejuice, the living are like breathing Barbie dolls he sees no issue with dressing up in his latest creations.

I’ll now explain the “favorite color is red” thing:

*Beetlejuice doesn’t wear many outfits in the movie, but three out of the four I can remember had red in them. The aforementioned wedding outfits were primarily red. His shirt under the coat in the guide outfit is red. 🤷‍♀️ (Adams undershirt that he copies is red but I don’t rly think it counts) Whenever he’s seen wearing a saturated, non-neutral color, it’s red.

*didn’t he crash a little red car in the model at one point?… I just watched this movie again like last month and I forget already. That car in the photo, he crashed it into a fire hydrant earlier in the movie, didn’t he? Idk maybe not

*his tombstone has his name written on it in red

*toonjuice always has red nail polish 🤷‍♀️

*idk if this counts for anything but the nightclub Juno created to lure him away from the Maitlands was entirely red idk

*and the star Betelgeuse is a red supergiant, so yeah

Bonus entry is this guy a reference to Viy or am I overthinking it???

Yeah ok I’m def overthinking it. 🤦‍♀️

That’s all i have to say. All that crap above. Bye.

[kubotafinearts]

The idea of boroboro is that it’s your junk-est clothes. It’s da clothes you weed in not go to temple or obon in.

But arts like sashiko and boro pro are now being lauded by white people who are buying up and increasing value of these pieces.

Which is great to a point.

The point being are we going to adknowlge that this is a Buddhist Japanese American Diaspora and Japanese Diaspora art of plantation workers, and slaves who made their clothes last?

These stitches are practical because they reinforce the fabric. And the indigo repells insects. The stitches on the outside are so they don’t bother skin. Because when we’re working shouldn’t we be comfortable?

What is the answer to fashion based slavery is the huge question my exhibit asks.

And for me the answer signs in ASL: its complicated/it depends.

In fashion I think if we all learned how to repair something in our traditoways and were encouraged to repair one thing we care about, or hire someone to and pay them well, that we could reduce waste, pollution, while also adknowlging that fast casjio fills a need for affordable attractive clothes that fit well.

2. Introducing the Ladies: Each Outfit and what they mean

BoroBoro Britney

She’s lined with a brides Maid robe of rayon blend that is made to emulate satin. It’s peak fast fashion, made to be tossed once the wedding is done. It found it’s way to a Goodwill, the largest one in Seattle off Jackson and that found its way to me.

The color, champagne is peak wedding. For most Japanese women who worked in the fields, they came as picture brides, mostly unwillingly, or coerced.

For my family, and my great grandmother it was unwilling.

But the US’s racist policies refused to let families immigrate. Like how the policies are now, they separated families if you had one. It was illegal to marry other ethnicities. And your children would be considered not legitimate by both cultures.

I’m saying this as a bi-racial Japanese person. Even today, I was heavily bullied as a child and ostracized, while being fetishized.

The main fabric is themed off a fabric I designed. It’s too expensive to make the entire Kimono out of that. Which is the concept of BoroBoro itself. You don’t have enough money to have good fabric so you reinforced the fabric while you repair it. It’s a supplemental kind of sewing that uses what you have.

If you think it looks a lot like quilting, you’re right! Quilting and boroboro both use scrap fabric and stitches to bind and sandwich fabrics together.

The main fabric is a dark royal blue that I designed in PicsArt and Instagram Layout on my Google Pixel 5 Android Phone. I designed the fabric to mimic the nights sky in Haiku Maui and from Halēakala. The lei are wound with lilikoi flowers and lion fish and Kamehameha butterflies and sparkles to symbolize fire and metal. It's meant to show the 5 elements wound together in harmony and balance.

The edges of the fabric are hand dyed in indigo but it’s splotchy.

[desperatepleasures]

my financial situation is Unideal rn but it's fine cause I have money saved up like. far more savings than I will blow through but also I need to figure out how to sustain things long term and that's going to be difficult

and like sometimes it just hits me that like. that was supposed to be my wedding fund, you know? but also guess what it's better that I'm spending that money on myself and not on a wedding that was never going to happen with a person who resented me and hadn't shown me any affection in years!!! my health and happiness are a far better investment!!!

just gotta remind myself a lot of these expenses have been one time things. the mattress and bedframe, the adhd assessment, the dilators, hell the vibrators I bought after the breakup...those are all purchases I don't have to make again for the foreseeable future. and the doctor expenses will settle down a bit, pt appts will only be every week for a few more weeks. my insurance should cover most of my allergy testing, I still have to figure out if it'll cover the shots but those won't last forever either!! and the clothes I've bought recently are hopefully things that will last a while and even tho they were a fun purchase I also did kinda have to replace some stuff that didn't fit + I needed more stuff for winter...so it's okay it's okay it's okay it's not forever

....lol on the other hand my credit score has gone up to 825???? so I guess all the spending and paying off my cards counts for something lmao. not that having a high credit score will help me in any way at this point in my life but it's nice to know

but either way I do need to figure out a Plan budget wise but I won't really know what my long term expenses are until things are settled with the psych + allergist appts...oh well!!!

[sallysgrancanwrite]

Chapter Twenty-Three

The girls woke early and ordered room service. They would enjoy this as long as possible. It was nice being served like this. They finished eating and showered and started to get ready when there was a knock on the door. Chloe took off her towel, put on her robe and went to the door. She opened the door and the kitchen service was there to pick up the tray.

“Will that be all ma’am?” The man asked.

“Yes. No wait! Do you have a map of the shops around here?” Chloe asked.

“If you go to the desk you will find one there ma’am.” He answered.

“Thank you,” they both told him and he left.

With that Beth jumped up and they both ran to find clothes to wear. Chloe wore some casual blue slacks with a beige silk shirt that had flutter sleeves. Beth turned to her and said,

“I’m wearing jeans and sneakers. We’ll being walking a lot today.”

“You’re right, I better change.” Chloe said.

She ran to suitcase and pulled out something else. She took her dress stuff off and put on jeans and a red t-shirt that read “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Then she threw on her sneakers and pinned up her hair.

“This beautiful woman is ready to go do some shopping!” She said laughing.

“Well let’s go girl,” said Beth.

They got a map of downtown from the desk clerk. There were so many cute little shops all the streets of Lake Morgan and the girls wanted to see them all. They stopped at a clothing boutique that had cute clothes. Beth found some bleach colored Jean shorts and a crop top that was off the shoulder, light blue and some lace. She also found a short mini skirt that was red and had just one strap. She had to try that too.

Meanwhile, Chloe was having trouble picking something. She liked too much. She decided to pick a couple things and see how they fit. The first was elastic collared, short sleeved sun dress that was yellow. It had white daisies on it. The second was jeans that had rose buds embroidered on the pant leg part way. She paired it with a rose colored peach skin top. She loved peach skin, it’s soft like silk. The girls went to try on their clothes and came out to model for each other. The problem was they thought they looked good in both of them. Beth took all the clothes to the till.

“What are you doing,” Chloe asked. “I need to watch my pennies with the wedding.”

Beth looked at her, “Consider it a wedding gift from me. I’m paying for it.” She said.

“Beth, you don’t need to do that,” Chloe exclaimed.

“I’ve been saving up so I could. Let me do this.” Beth said as she handed the cashier the money.

“Now where to next?” Beth asked.

“How about the candle shop?” Chloe said. “It always smells so heavenly in there.”

They walked a few stores down when Chloe thought she saw Michael car.

“Oh no! That can’t be, he promised. I’m just seeing things, lets go.” she said, still feeling uneasy.

Why should she feel uneasy that her fiancé is here? Strange. They got to the candle shop and to Chloe it was like a candy store! She loved candles! She was always buying and burning new ones. The house was full of them.

“Look at them all,” said Chloe as her eyes lit up . “I limit myself to two aisles and one candle per aisle.”

“Okay, Beth said, “which aisle first?” She asked.

“That one. The candles look beautiful.” She said.

They walked up and the aisle is. It had candles that were tropical flowers of every kind, smells of the beach, smells of beach air, and tropical fruit. Chloe must have looked at every candle 4-5 times before she narrowed it to bird of paradise and pomegranate. She smelled them both a couple more times and closed her eyes.

“Pomegranate,” she said. “That’s the one”.

All Beth could think was they had another aisle with process again. So they walked to the next aisle. This was just your ordinary floral candles. Surely this would be easy. Nope. She smelled, lilac, gardenia, magnolia, lavender, rose, jasmine and dozens more. And she smelled them several times and got down to two again. It was either lavender or lilac. She liked them both. In the end she took the lavender for it calming effects. By now the girls were getting hungry they took so long in the clothing and candle shop its was lunch time.

“Let’s hit one more store,” said Beth.

“Okay, which one?”

“I just want to see what kind of yarn the store here carry’s for my crocheting.” she replied.

They looked around and soon Chloe was walking around on her own. She found a $1 bin at the front of the store by a wind She couldn’t resist a bargain. It had all types of yarn in there in a multitude of colors. She picked out a couple skeins of yarn. Beth was trying to teach her to crochet, and bless her she sure had patience. Chloe wasn’t picking up some of it. But she sure was trying awful hard. She picked up some puzzles. Edith and Bob liked doing puzzles in the evenings. At the bottom of the bun she found something called a diamond painting. Well, she had never tried that but it looked easy enough. It was one craft she couldn’t possibly mess up. Beth came over about the time Chloe was paying for all her things.

“Are you ready?” Beth asked, “I am so tired. I’m ready for a glass of wine and room service? “She said laughing.

“Sounds good. Let’s go.” Chloe replied.

“Wait, did you get your yarn?” She asked Beth.

“Yep, sure did. They have great yarn here. Have to come here more often.”

They arrived back at the hotel and before they got in the elevator the clerk caught them.

“Excuse me Miss Chloe, you have a message that was left for you. The lady was in such a hurry to talk to you she has come back and has waited for you in the lounge. If you would like I can send her to your room. With an escort of course. For safety reasons, you not knowing her and all.”

“Thank you very much,”

They got on the elevator and wondered who wanted to talk to them.

Hurry and open it,” Beth said.

“You’re like a chlid, I swear,” Chloe said as they both laughed.

The elevator opened and they went to their suite. Beth jumped on the bed.

“Open it.”

Chloe opened it and got quiet. She put it down on the table.

Beth ran over and picked it up and read it.

“I think you need to talk to her, give her one more time to warn you of what’s coming.”

“Nothing is coming.” Chloe yelled

“Then don’t be afraid to listen to her.” Beth yelled back.

“Fine, I’ll talk to her.” There was a knock at the door. Beth went and answered it.

“Hello, make I speak with Chloe please,” she spoke quietly.

“I’m curious as to why you’re here though,” Chloe replied.

Chloe was not happy about this and she would have to keep it from Michael or or he would lose it. He couldn’t stand that woman.

[littlesecretdiary]

if I leave right now I will be over half an hour early for work but I am sitting here with energy thrumming through my body and I do not want to sit still I just want to go get my shift over with so I can get through this week and then be done with closing shifts for the foreseeable future!! I am caffeinated and I ate food and I ripped the bong a few times and watched some Doctor Who and some FMA:B and I haven't showered but I did my hair and got my work clothes on and tomorrow and Saturday I work 11:30-8 so I won't have any idle time but that's okay. my schedule changes to four 8½ hour shifts starting this Sunday and I am ready for the change. I also told the kitchen that, since I'm under 40 hrs, if they need a closer (idk if they have one rn) I'm willing to stay late and close bc I get paid a little extra for that lol. plus I love the kitchen and I don't mind helping out. it's nice when it's quiet at the end of the day honestly. I don't mind just plugging and chugging and doing the damn thing .... a lot of my coworkers wouldn't agree, but I don't see anything wrong with it. I do, however, think my good attitude and excellent work ethic would deserve a raise in time, but I haven't been there even 6 months yet so I'm not gonna ask for that right now. K vagueposted about me on twitter a little while ago... I..... don't know. I've tried that and it doesn't work so even if she does come crawling back I'm not putting any effort in tbh. ugh. anyway..... I have also been working on art:

this is H's belated birthday present which I am still working on. I hope she likes it !!! her birthday was Monday so I am already late lol but that's okay hahaha. also, it's just nice to make art. I need to work on her letters for the wedding as well as the fairy photo edits, and eventually, more wedding signs too. I have much on my plate! I also owe $88 to S for bridesmaid stuff, $152ish for bridesmaid fit, and I got a speeding ticket visiting D the other day 🙃 so I gotta pay that too. I need a secondary income, somehow..... OF here we come 😂

[chicwishblog]

Chicwish Review: Discovering Affordable Luxury in Fashion

In today's fast-paced world, buying things has never been simpler and affordable, especially with the increasing use of online fashion portals. But it can also be challenging for customers to select the best product or service due to the large number of suppliers and the intense competition. This is when product reviews are useful as an accurate way to judge the quality of the product or service particularly when they are available at affordable rates.

Online reviews are crucial since they boost a business's visibility in search engine results pages, sales, and reputation. Reviews are significant since 59% of prospective buyers read two or three reviews before making a decision. A majority of customers these days would like to visit a physical retail location, try an item on, and then buy it. Nonetheless, the rapid rise of internet stores has fundamentally altered how people explore and buy clothing. Many online clothing stores boast that they offer the best products at the most competitive costs. Chicwish is one among them that offer quality clothing in an affordable way.

Since its introduction, Chicwish has made it possible for fashion fans to select from a large selection of clothing at reasonable prices. Without a doubt, Chicwish offers everything you could possibly need, including lingerie, dresses, loungewear, shirts, bottoms, and swimsuits. Chicwish is dedicated to providing exquisite, one-of-a-kind designs while upholding moral principles. The company's goal is to lower the cost of luxury for those who value style and the environment.

The greatness of the store's domain is demonstrated by the large number of Chicwish reviews that can be found online. These testimonials confirm Chicwish's reputation as a pioneer in the online apparel industry, which it works hard to uphold by providing stylish goods at reasonable costs to everyone.

Let's look at some of the most-read Chicwish reviews on the internet at verify brand’s commitment to offer the best possible combination of quality and affordability.

1. “I just have to see how your clothing fits first! This was a gift for a very special friend for her birthday and she is going through treatments next week for cancer. This pink sweater/coat in PINK will be special in more ways than one. I hope to come back for more. Love your advertising and the pieces that I've looked at. LOVE. There's a lot to consider with all the sizing in different countries and want it to fit another person I am buying for. The reviews didn't have enough information in them to tell anything about sizing to be sure. I know you are targeting a younger age group but don't forget us older ladies like to look just as good!” – Stanetta C.

2. “Since discovering Chicwish, my mother and I have made at least 5 orders between the 2 of us, and they have never failed to reply quickly and efficiently. I love their designs and their quality is solid, as long as you know what to expect based on the pictures.” – Aria C.

3. “Finally a skirt that fits great! Not to mention gorgeous. It's beautiful for spring and carries right into the summer for brunch, weddings, etc., or just because. Dress it up or down.” – De B.

4. “I discovered this website last year and I fell in love with its products, but while reading the reviews on the internet, I wasn't very sure how it would turn out. I eventually decided to order one dress and set myself up for no expectations. I ordered before the holidays and during the vacation time, I didn't check the order status at all. The order arrived at my door in about a month (I live in Finland) and I had to pay customs for it, so please take that into account when ordering. But I must say, I was very impressed with the dress, the quality, and the fit. It became very fast my favorite dress and I will definitely be ordering more from Chicwish :)” – Claudia J.

5. “At first I was a little cautious, didn't make good experiences with Asian online shops. But the clothing is not only *really* cute (been looking for something like this for ages), the quality and fabrics are awesome too! Takes a few weeks to deliver, but I think it's worth it.” – Kerstin E.

The Conclusion

Whether you are looking for casual clothes or formal wear, Chicwish is one name you can always trust upon.  Chicwish is a top-rated clothing store where you can explore all types of clothing at affordable rates.

[troglobite]

aldkjfalsd

paying more than mortgage costs for an airbnb house that

was not even remotely cleaned upon arrival (MULTIPLE sticky handprints on every surface in the kitchen, dirt IN THE REFRIGERATOR, muddy footprints, carpets & rugs so filthy that we HAVE to wear our slippers & give up on mopping the floors because they get dirty IMMEDIATELY, hair [human and pet, head and pube] on all the sheets and in every corner that has never seen a broom or vacuum, unidentifiable liquids and stains on every door [bedroom and bathroom] and the sheets & comforters)

was clearly not built to code bc it's worse than a 40s house but was built in the 70s (the stairs are definitely not to code and walking through the house quickly is like walking on the deck of a boat out at sea)

was advertised w central air but that was a lie and it only has tiny wall heaters in most rooms and 1 space air conditioner in 1 room

has a window that is so poorly fitted that the worlds largest creatures can come through it and give me a panic attack and nightmares for a week or more, and we had to physically tape it up ourselves

has a fridge that needs a water filter

has multiple smoke & CO alarms that are malfunctioning and/or need batteries

advertised lots of closet space but upon hanging 7 shirts on the ramshackle, not to code, pathetically cobbled together "hanger" in the only closet that won't leave the clothes dragging on the floor, collapsed completely and was unusable (unsurprisingly given the WOOD ITSELF WAS WARPED FROM THE WEIGHT OF *PILLOWS*)

has an UNBEARABLE mold and mildew stench IN THE MAIN BEDROOM ON THE FIRST FLOOR and what looks like a MOLD STAIN ON THE CEILING which is BENEATH THE UPSTAIRS SHOWER

has no batteries, lightbulbs, screwdrivers, garbage bags, or anything else remotely useful in the house for us to use (the vacuum is old as fuck, dusty, busted, and has hair EVERYWHERE, and the broom is literally duct taped together)

the upstairs bathroom toilet is like an escape room or physical/gymnastics challenge to get in and out of

one of the single-room wall heaters is literally BROKEN--turning it all the way down means it cranks and stays on forever, turning it all the way up temporarily turns it off, and it only stays off consistently if set at some middle temperature, but even then it'll still turn on unbidden--and there is no on/off switch

the furniture is nigh unsittable bc it is so cobbled together and uncomfortable

the chairs are basically unusable from how small and uncomfortable they are

the mattress are MISERABLE bc they have the world's FIRMEST MEMORY FOAM on ALL of them

THERE ARE NO CURTAINS ON ANY OF THE FUCKING WINDOWS AND ONLY THREE OF THE WINDOWS HAVE BLINDS. ONLY THREE!!!! THERE ARE ELEVEN OTHER WINDOWS IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!

everything outside is overgrown and in need of maintenance and care and is therefore unusable (there are just random dogtoys in places--inside AND outside)

there's just a used candle. sitting behind the tv.

the tv is TRASH and the volume is the WORST i've ever heard. we've trying fixing it REPEATEDLY. it ALSO is impossible to consistently get HDMI to connect to it/my laptop. i have to unplug and replug it multiple times.

the laundry room REEKS OF MOLD/MILDEW. it's also more of a closet. we have to have the fan on 24/7.

you cannot open the blinds on the 3 windows that have them. they removed the pulleys that allowed you to do that because "it was a pain/difficult to lower them back down" so they just REMOVED THAT OPTION.

the "guide book" for the home is CLEARLY outdated because it HAS THE WRONG INFORMATION FOR HOW TO GET IN THE HOUSE AND UNLOCK/LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

and we've only been here since last weds.

i'm wearing an n95 mask sitting in this bedroom because with my HEPA filter going, the room's wall heater turned off (bc that shit looks rank), and febreze odor eliminator sprayed REPEATEDLY in here after dousing the room in lysol upon arrival, the smell of mold is hurting my fucking lungs.

i literally want to strangle the ppl who think this home is in ANY WAY remotely fucking livable--and also, REMOTELY WORTH THE HELLISH AMOUNT OF MONEY WE HAD TO SPEND ON IT.

[hottakehoulihan]

Texting autocomplete game.

In which Houli blogs about the mechanics of texting on a clunky interface that requires minor puzzle solving to type "correctly". You've been warned. Filter out "HHH.txt" if you don't want long talky bits like this. : ) But I've been wanting to talk about this ad-hoc "game" I've been playing for a while. I use a dumb flip-phone. I *own* a smartphone, and will carry it on longer journeys so I have a camera and a GPS and emergency backup books/internet and such, but what's in my pocket 90% of the time I'm wearing pockets (I refuse to have clothing that doesn't have pockets. I will sometimes grudgingly carry a bag also) is a flip phone. Partly for simplicity; I am easily distracted by shiny baubles, books, and the internet, and I don't need to add browsing-via-phone to my already-too-online-via-desktop lifestyle. Also partly due to electronic privacy concerns; it has security-through-obscurity doesn't get much spam, and if I'm hacked or captured/robbed by the thugs in blue or some other nefarious ne'er-do-wells, they won't get much off of my flip phone because there isn't much there. It's a phone, not a camera or wallet or banking application device. The companies who manage flip phones are too small-time to even maintain metadata logs of my texts. I take some comfort in knowing that it's not a trap or effective tracking/doxxing/spy device. It costs $25 a month and if I lose it I will be sad and then I will cancel the contract and get a new one.

The elderly people I sometimes volunteer with are amused and gratified to see it, too. : ) And when someone asks me to scan a QR code or to pay via Venmo instead of cash? I laugh, show them my phone, and find a workaround.

I do text a fair bit on it for work, though, and that's a pain.

This isn't because I have to hit the 5 key [checks phone] three times every time I want a lower-case L; it has different modes for text entry and one of them would allow me to type...well, here's a visual aid: ____ ABC DEF GHI JKL MNO PQRS STU WXYZ so if I hit "36688" it'll guess I'm typing "donut" because not many other words fit. ...though if I type "whence" it'll assume I mean "when" and I'll have to tap the arrow key to select "whence".

Which isn't too bad. Sometimes it doesn't KNOW the word because the phone vocabulary mostly stops at the fifth-grade level. That's just one of the minor pains.

The pain is multifaceted. It's got the same idiotic refusal to swear that other phones have, and also it won't let me teach it new words, so the friendly slang/abbreviations I use with friends isn't there. I can say "gotta" but not "druther" or "TMW".

But that's no big deal. The not swearing without typing it in one letter at a time (and there is lag for some reason) is more annoying. Mostly, it doesn't know to capitalize the first word of a sentence. I was sneered at through much of my early childhood for my, erm, enthusiastic (and self-taught) literacy, and by damn I'm going to capitalize words the way I choose just as a "fuck you" to those bygone wads of sidewalk gum.

So, if I'm typing "Good morning!" at the beginning of a text, it'd come out "good morning!" and that'd piss me off and I'd have to either switch to all-caps single-letter-entry mode (at least six extraneous keypresses and my hands already hurt from all the typing, pen-holding, fidgeting, and video gaming I do)

or?

I type "god" and it autocorrects to "God" because it has a separate category for what it considers to be proper nouns. If I want my sentence to start with "When" I'll type "wed" and it'll suggest "Wed" (the abbreviation for Wednesday, because Odin is both a proper noun and a "God") and then backspace so I just have the W and can type "hen" because that's a word.

In this way I can avoid extra keypresses on the tiny thing and still have capitalizing on words. I hear that people of my age find proper capitalizing and punctuation to "sound angry" or something, but hell with it; my friends know me. As one person dear to me said, my "idiolect is consistent."

Anyway, using my darn phone to text is, I have mused, a sort of word-puzzle game all by itself.

The word COVID is especially annoying because it's meant to be all caps, right? Corona Virus Disease "CoViD".

...but heck with that; that's too formal and fiddly even for me. Also, by now, it's such an old companion that we may as well just call it "covid." ...and

up until now I've been typing "cove" (backspace) "it" (because if I just type "i" it'll capitalize it) (backspace) and then "d".

"cove" = 4 keypresses confirm = 1 keypress backspace = 1 kp

"it" = 2 kp confirm+backspace = 2kp

"d" = 1 kp confirm = 1kp

This is a total of 12 keypresses to type "covid" because the darn phone won't learn the word of course.

Only in the last hour did it occur to me I could type:

"corvid" and confirm = 7 kp left arrow thrice = 3 kp backspace (to remove the "r") = 1 kp down (to jump back to the end of my sentence) = 1 kp Total keypresses 11, and it's a lot less fiddly

Or it would be.

Because the dang phone doesn't recognize "corvid" as a word.

Some day, when I get back into programming, I should work out either a game or at least a solver for determining optimal efficiency of typing random sentences with this flawed interface and limited wordlist.

It's almost satisfying.

I type the names "Lon" and "Ali", and the weekday and month abbreviations, and of course "god", quite a bit. Absent other considerations such as wanting to type a specific word ("God" is a good choice for "Good morning" but for "Greetings" I might choose "Gretchen" and then remoove the "tch" and "n" and write "things" and remove the "h") my defaults for capitalizing are:

Ali Bob Cali Dan Eddie Fri God Hal I Joe Kali Lon Mar Nov Oki Paul Quinn Rob Sun Ted USA Vance Wed ??? Yves Zulu ...though if I'm starting a sentence with a Q or a V (and I can't imagine starting one with an X right now) I might just say heck with it and rework my sentence so I can start with something easy like "I was wondering" just so I don't have to deal with the backspacing.

Moral of the story, I suppose, is that not allowing users to add their own vocabulary to your text-input interface makes the designers of this deserve to have their hair glued into one big wad.

And then for people to throw wads of soft bread at them.

Duck them.

[beaisdifferent]

My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Drive Home

It was a long, frustrating road to getting my ADHD diagnoses.  The phycologist I saw was ready to label me with autism, but decided that my issues with memory, organization, and motivation were the result of anxiety, and diagnosed me instead with generalized anxiety disorder.    I didn’t quite buy it, but accepted the diagnoses and the medication prescribed for it.

It didn’t help.

I could feel it wasn’t helping, and in some ways it was making things worse.  Surprise! taking medication your brain doesn’t need can have adverse side effects.  But I still had the rest of my day to day life to tend to as I tried to figure it out.

I had just left my position as an administrative assistant at an office that I generally was very fond of, for one that I liked much less but that paid me a living wage.  As I got into my car that morning, dressed up in business casual clothes that I despised, the fuel gauge stared at me, reminding me I forgot to leave early enough to fill up before work, after also neglecting to fill up on my way home last night.  I had enough to get me to the office, I would just have to fill up after my shift so that I could get home.  No problem.

I watched the clock through my shift, forgetting to fuel up during my lunch break as that would have made things too convenient.  I locked up and got back to my car, and sighed my annoyance at actually having to stop at the gas station this time.  I navigated there, parked at the pump, and went for my wallet—

My wallet.

It wasn’t there.

I dig through my bag.  Nope.  I dig through my glove compartment.  Nada.  I dig underneath the seats of my car.  Uh uh.  I turn my bag upside-down this time, dumping everything out to see where it must be hiding.  No cigar.  I don’t have my wallet.  I don’t have any way to pay for gas.  And I don’t have enough gas to get home.

I sit in the parking lot for a few minutes.  This wasn’t the first time I had done this.  I once missed my turn and got lost downtown, eventually having to call my boyfriend to come rescue me as I waited at a sketchy gas station parking lot with my shih-tzu on my lap, growling at passersby.  Bitter but fitting, this was the night before I was to travel upstate to meet with the doctor for diagnoses.  I bought I big, rainbow-colored wallet to try and make it something I couldn’t miss  Then, weeks later as we were going to TSA for a trip to attend his friend’s wedding, I didn’t have it.  it’s mortifying to be ready to board an airplane, realize you don’t have arguable the 1 thing you really need to make that happen, especially when your partner is really expecting you to have it, because it’s the airport, how the hell could you not have your wallet?

    I was embarrassed then, and was even more embarrassed about it now.  I didn’t want him to see me like that again, to have to come and rescue me again.  Besides, he was at work anyway, and wouldn’t get off for several hours.  I did the only thing that seemed reasonable in the moment, and started driving home.  Whatever night I had ahead of me, I wanted at least to be closer to home for it.  So I drove, praying, anxiously watching the gas gauge tick down, down, down as my GPS lets me know the several mile difference between what I have and what it will take to get home.  I keep going until the dashboard read only 1 anticipated mile’s worth of gas left.  I didn’t know what would happen if I let the car run out completely, so I pulled into the corner of a stranger’s wide driveway.  I had five miles to get home.  I liked walking, went on walks for pleasure when I had the time.  Maybe I could just walk home.  I still had at least 2 hours of daylight left, besides.  No big deal.  I hadn’t told anyone about my predicament just yet, too embarrassed to admit that I was this much of a mess.  So I write an apologetic and explanatory note and leave it on the dashboard of my car for the driveway’s owner, and begin my journey.  In the little ditch in between a backroad and someone’s crop field, I began to walk home in four year old, $20 Walmart faux leather boots that definitely didn’t make me stumble every third step.

After about a half mile, I texted my boyfriend, just so someone knew where I was and what I was doing, hating that I had to show him this side of myself yet again.  He wasn’t happy, but just asked that I be as safe as possible.  I tried texting other people, vaguely things like “Hey, what are you up to tonight?” gauging who might be able to help me without revealing predicament before it was necessary.  No one was available.  So I kept walking.

The shoes and subpar walking ground meant I was moving much slower than my usual gait.  The sun began to set.  I tried to stay optimistic.

Finally it’s dark.  I try to reframe the night so I wouldn’t be so awful.  It’s like an adventure, I’ll have a new perspective I can use in my writing, this will be a story I can laugh at once I’m home and figure out what I’m doing.  But truthfully I’m scared of the dark, I’m scared of the car’s flying past that might not see me and come too close, and I’m afraid of where I’m stepping.  My parent’s dog got out one night, and wasn’t found until the following morning…her paw caught in a coyote trap.  My phone flashlight wasn’t much of a comfort.  I listen to Critical Role on my phone, trying to borrow this fantasy of adventurous travel that might see me home.  Then I listen to episodes of Adventure Time, thinking the comedy and absurdity will distract me until I can get off the road and out of the dark.  It worked for a little bit.

But I was still far from home.  I couldn’t really gauge how many miles I had in front of me, all the houses looked the same in the dark, too many farm fields for me to differentiate them in my current state.  Then, a woman driving by slowed her car to a stop beside me.  I thought she was going to offer me a ride, and was bummed knowing I would be turning her down.  But instead, she held up her phone, her camera flashed as she took a picture, and then she sped off.

What?  What was that?

I keep walking, thinking, and getting more nervous.  Why did she take my picture, and say nothing like that?  Was she sending it to someone?  Someone who would drive down the road soon after, some man who now knew there was a woman walking alone in the dark?

Now I was really scared.  Realistic or not, this scenario was playing out in my head, and I decided I couldn’t afford to take the risk.  I swallowed my little remaining shield of embarrassment, hoping I could just fix this myself, and I called the sheriff’s department.  I apologized, told them I knew they weren’t a taxi service, but I felt unsafe.  The woman on the phone was very nice, staying on the phone with me until the unit she alerted arrived.  I stood in front of a house with a decorative, white well in the front yard, and I waited in the dark, flinching at every car that passed by.  Two cop cars arrived, the officers standing in front of me in that way that only cops do, hands on their belts, and questioned me about what had happened.  It made me feel like I had done something wrong, that I was being investigated and this story about forgetting my wallet was a fishy cover.  But one of them gave me a ride home over the last 2 miles.  I was home at last.

My boyfriend, now that I was safe, could let me know how frustrated he was with my forgetfulness, and that we needed to discuss how it was affecting our relationship.

I was low.  I was exhausted, I was scared, I was embarrassed, I was ashamed, I hated myself.  I cried myself to sleep that night, and walked 7 miles the next morning, carrying a gas can to my abandoned car.

It was such a low point in my journey of self-understanding, such a marker on the map of “why can’t I seem to do anything right?”  I forgot my wallet all the time, and this was the worst instance, a potentially dangerous time.  Shortly thereafter I scheduled another appointment with my psychiatrist, and explained what had recently happened along with all the other instances that seemed so much like issues with cognitive processing rather than an anxiety problem.  This trip of misdiagnoses is another conversation, and this post is already too long, but she agreed to give me a test run of Ritalin to see if maybe treating the issue like ADHD would have a positive affect.

And what do you know.

It did.

So much.

But more on that later.  This night sucked, and I can hardly look back on it and laugh.  For the rest of the year that I lived in that area, I would drive that road and mentally clock that driveway I borrowed and watch the rugged miles fly me by from my car, all the way to that little white well.  If nothing else, it made me angry enough to put my foot down and demand that my problems be acknowledged.  I’m medicated now. 

If you’ve had a similar happening, if you’ve had your issues ignored until you hit a point of shame, danger, and or lost threatened relationships, I see you. I’m sorry. It can get better. I’m medicated now, I’m properly diagnosed now, I’ve got appropriate resources to support me. And now I keep my keys inside my wallet, so I literally cannot leave the house without it.

[unhingedhearties]

CSI Hearties

Time to go back to 9th grade English class where your teacher insists that every word or image is symbolic of something deeper.

“Did we get that for Lucas?”

You got told he would have a major story arc, so yes you did get told that. We just saw people in my previous posts say that Lucas should have had his own poster to represent that major story arc.

“That would be a No, not really.”

…so that would be a yes.

“And no announcement that NEITHER was leaving the show.”

That has to suck for the writers. You write this big story about Lucas being governor and ending the season with a mysterious confrontation and ambiguity about what happened to him. All so that you can build excitement for the next season and you can’t even let it be a mystery because a ton of the fanbase will send you vile, hateful messages if you don’t spoil the next season for them. They were the kids that had to snoop around for their Christmas presents and then wondered why Christmas morning wasn’t fun.

“Writers had no say in promotional content.”

Hey, someone who pays attention and thinks logically. I’m sure that’ll be ignored.

“No respect!”

Oh my God, the red serge nonsense. Plenty of people have already pointed it out, I’ll just be one more.

What if… they didn’t have him in the red serge because the color would clash with the pink of her clothes and the sky? Do you notice how (except for maybe the second poster) in the earlier seasons Jack’s not front and center in the red serge? It really grabs your attention when it shouldn’t and clashes with everyone else’s color pallet. I’m sure that’s also the reason why Rosemary is wearing blue 4 out of 5 times. Color theory and what not. All those things you need to keep in mind when doing graphic design.

No, there must be a deeper, symbolic reason for it.

“it makes no sense since we were told Jack was/is the love of her life…”

Ever notice they only bring up Jack being Elizabeth’s true love when talking about Nathan? I never saw them bring it up when she was with Lucas. Where were all the discussions about how Lucas is awesome, but don’t forget Jack’s her true love when they thought they were getting a wedding?

Salt in the wound. Mark your bingo card.

Way to gloss over the season 10 poster. I guess because then you’d have to admit no one besides Elizabeth was on it and yet none of you said anything back then. Where were the cries of “muh ensemble cast!”?

“this poster is a huge difference from the poster they put out for S9”

Oh, you mean the one that has Elizabeth, Lucas, Nathan, Mei… and none of the other 50 cast members? 4 people isn’t really an ensemble. In fact, if you look at that collage of all the posters, it was a major downgrade in terms of featuring the characters. It went from showing 10 to just 4. 

WHERE’S MY ENSEMBLE BRIAN!?

“Lucas is looking at her and she isn’t at him.”

Uggghhh, it’s not that deep. Seriously. They’re doing the same thing on the Season 5 poster. Every poster except for the last 2 have Elizabeth staring at the audience. I’d sooner believe there’s some subconscious marketing nonsense for it (“people are more likely to buy a DVD if the lead character is looking at them. It helps the audience develop a parasocial relationship” or whatever) then believe a bunch of people in Hallmark’s marketing department are working long hours to fit the most symbolism on their poster.

“then where are some other top characters like Bill, Rosemary, Lee and Henry?” Insensitive!”

Where were they on Season 10? Where were they on Season 9? Where were you when those posters came out? How come you weren’t advocating for them to be included years ago? Truly a mystery.

Insensitive. Mark your cards, that was a corner square.

“Can marketing for such a huge company really be that bad?”

They said as they repeatedly shared the poster, commenting on it, commenting on other people sharing it, hashtagging it, drawing attention to it, GETTING IT TRENDING ON TWITTER.

I know a lot of you Hearties think you should be in charge of how When Calls The Heart is written and marketed, but you’re not as smart as you think you are. You’re really, really not as smart as you think you are. And that right there is a perfect example why Hallmark and TPTB should put a lot of you on the pay no mind list.

[corrialaena]

So, I relooked and I accidentally bought lost cherry not cherry smoke. So. I bought cherry smoke too lol. I am broke. But I also got more clothes and accessories. I just known I won't feel okay until I can make this change.

And I have decided to try to apply for financial aid next 8 weeks for school. That way. If it does cover my classes I could get money back from the state. And that'd be really helpful. If not I can always so the paperwork with my step mom and get classes for free.

So this week I will apply for financial aid to get in nice and early. Hopefully it all works out.

And I hope the things I got come in nicely. I'll post some screenshots of what I got in a separate post.

I haven't lost any weight since new years. I just want to lose like. 20 more lbs? Maybe 30? I just want to be smaller you know? I am worried my new clothes will start to not fit though. But if that happens then I get to buy new ones that do. And I could always learn to hem clothes and take in sides. That'd really be useful actually.

I want to get an actual agenda to write everything down. I feel like if I felt more organized I'd be able to do more without immense overwhelm. So that'll be next to buy. But I literally got paid Wed and it's Saturday and I have less than $30 left.

However, I did pay my responsibilities first. Phone bill is paid, I have saved my bank bill (which I need to go to the bank and change so I don't have to pay so much), my gas tank is full, I have a new pen and enough money for ciggies. Then I bought myself a bunch of extra stuff including a perfume worth at least $300 at its cheapest. So I won't complain.

I will just keep going to work. No more call offs. And today proved to me that I can do it. I got less than 3 hours of sleep and still made it to work in shitty road conditions this morning. I can do it again. You only get to live extravagantly when you work your ass off. So goodbye ass.

So, to do list:

Apply for financial aid- tues.1.16.24

Go fix bank account- tues.1.16.24

Buy agenda- wed.1.24.24

Buy pals bday movie ticket- fri.1.19.24

Track weight loss goals

[brokenbones-singsongs]

Things that bother me that I don’t bother speaking about

1. Nothing fits me anymore. None of my clothes. Certainly none of my dresses. Nothing. I’ve gained so much weight since December that the $200 dresses I bought for my brothers wedding etc. this year don’t fit and the wedding is next week. I feel disgusting. I don’t take pictures anymore. I rarely ever wear anything but sweatshirts and yoga pants and I can’t buy anything from my favorite store literally ever anymore.

2. Because of the above, it’s taking everything I have in me not to fall back into my 15 year old selfs habit of just ✨not eating✨ but still working out and running miles every other day just to feel like I was skinny enough for it to be acceptable. I think about it every day and quite honestly it’s very hard for me to eat more than one meal without hating myself. Groceries are too expensive to manage an actual diet and be healthy. I have no extra income. It’s hard and frustrating and unhealthy and I’m exhausted and I HATE myself.

3. I spend every single one of my days wondering how my best friend of six years could just leave and not tell me why.

4. I also spend every single day thinking about how I ruined another girls life both entirely on accident and on purpose because even after I found out the truth of things I still pursued. I’m literally the asshole I swore I would never ever be.

5. I wonder all the time if I’m going to wake up one day and be told by my husband that he hates the way I show love and always has and he doesn’t know why he married me (because it happened before) and I don’t think I’ll survive another heartbreak like that

6. I want to do something constructive with my time like a regular yoga class or a gym membership somewhere structured and take care of myself and whatever but I can’t because I am a mom and it’s expensive. I’m lowkey resentful of my fiancé for having jiu jitsu even if he gets paid to do part of it. He gets to fuck off for several hours every week and do what he loves and I just…don’t. Ever. I’m always at work or always a mom and even when I go out with friends etc. I’m still a mom. I have to take the baby everywhere and I’m tired and I just want to exist outside of being depended on literally every second of the day. There is no reprieve.

7. I don’t like one of our dogs.

8. I’m not even sure I want to have any pets ever again after the ones we do have are gone. They’re like kids and some days it takes everything in me to get out of bed and pay attention to them.

9. I quit my job partly for money but mostly because I have a debilitating fear of failure and the moment I started getting micromanaged over missing the expiration on some fruit despite spending an entire day going above and beyond to be as perfect as perfect can be…something shifted and I spent days wanting to throw up over the stress of fucking up again. I can’t do it. I’m also beyond sick of the “social media content” I’m supposed to create EVERY. FCKING. DAY. Work isn’t they interesting and put menu rarely changes. I can’t take 900 pictures of the same damn thing. 3-5 images a day is asinine and I hate myself so why would I post videos of myself doing anything? Look like a gd land 🐋

10. I want to tell a lot of people to stfu up and I literally don’t care when they tell me their problems. Like literally 99.9% of people. I’m so tired of negativity and always having to try to figure out how to respond without sounding disingenuous.

11. I didn’t think I was depressed but nothing is bringing me Joy or has in a long time. I’m simply existing and dealing in a neutral state and idk if that’s testament to the coping skills I learned year ago or if I’m just in a weird kind of autopilot. But the more time goes on the more I start to realize I might actually need professional help.

12. I’ve started stuttering and having a harder time getting words out in the last year or so and I wonder if something is amiss. They thought I had a stroke when I was pregnant that was really just a horrible migraine…but what if something is really off?

13. I think I fucked up by not getting my tachycardia meds refilled thinking it was only exacerbated by pregnancy and I’d be fine because I’ve almost passed out several times lately. The cause could also be I’ve gained my baby weight back. It’s stupid and I’m worried. I like that it still beats and I’m alive.

That’s all for now.

[guessimate]

While I was not playing, I got some new CC and I replaced the non-medieval armchairs I had for my lower classes. I got a new wedding arch and a mod for announcing betrothals under it. I’m not a big fan of arranged marriages, but I have that option in my game just in case of ROS-es and such. I like it when my sims roll Get Engaged/Married wants, which they do once they are adults only. If some unexpected pregnancy happens I'll make my sims tie the knot, too, but so far I’ve been mostly ignoring ACR. I did a dress rehearsal of Drifa and Bay’s wedding when I was checking if the mod worked. I also gave the twins small makeovers since I had to gussy Portia up on age up anyway. They got freckles and some new clothes I got.

~*~

I was trying to have this family keep the parrot, but on the last but one day of their round, I gave up. The pet had just been fed and it went through all of its food immediately and got the red hunger thought bubble. I had Bay release it. And it was not the only problem with it. My sims were just standing next to it, unable to talk to it and it was really getting on my nerves. Plus it’s really expensive to take care of birds and peasants can’t really afford that luxury. And with the bird off went the previous job of Bay's. He got a job in the Athletic career instead, as that's where his father used to work. His Fitness enthusiasm and body skill are already maxed out, so his career will probably get fast tracked. It also helps that Tinkering is his One True Hobby, in case he needs more Mechanical points. In terms of the pay the top of the Entertainer career paid only 105$, while Athletic career starts at 97$ - or 110$ if you get promoted on your first day. Bay lost a vacation day, but he’s a Workaholic, so I don’t think he minds. Bay actually got a flu this round (he brought it home from work). I don't have the deadly sickness mod so he was fine and thankfully didn’t infect anyone else. It definitely made it harder for him to work on his Fitness, and during his illness he was afraid of himself dying.

~*~

Declan Gardiner was running by and he caught May’s eye. Maybe I forced it on her a bit by having her check him out, but they have 3 bolts together, I just had to. She rolled a want to flirt with him and then to ask him out on a date. I locked that in for the next round, because Knowledge sims roll romance-related wants so rarely. She made her choice and it’s actually a pretty good suitor for her, as she would become a yeoman. Maybe they’ll even end up, becoming the town’s butchers. I really need a butcher in town, because I have too many animals, mostly male pigs in this household (and 8 more piglets were born this round!).

~*~

When Portia was still a toddler, one of the twins would go jogging, while the other one was taking care of their little sister. Portia was obsessed with Creativity wants since she was a toddler, but she had only the Logic toy. Upon age up she managed to max out the skill by playing the piano. I swear I never fed any of my kids smart milk, so it must have been just the fall aura that made her learn it so quickly. She aged up on Wednesday, having learnt all of the toddler skills and the Nursery Rhyme. I gave her her last trait (Party Animal). Her brother had a party this round, so that was quite fitting, especially that she must have been really looking forward to this party. She got to meet her father during the feast. Her father came over together with the head monk and I teleported in the 2 men that would come back to their homes this round because of the ROS I got for this family (just for some storytelling). Cyprian Carbonneau and Franklin Fulke enjoyed the meal immensely and the Crown paid them with a kaching (1000$) for holding this feast.

~*~

They didn’t get to dig for treasure at all this round, because it was very snowy.

375$ - tax.

500$ - rent.

~850$ to the Royal Treasury. The Crown has earned 121.050$ total.

200$ - to the Church (tithe + burial fee for Poppa I didn’t pay the last round, because I was waiting for her ghost to show up and it did… at the very end of their round, after Drifa had already moved in). The Church has earned 20,150$ total.

They were left with pretty much nothing (~30$) before getting the big kaching ROS bonus because of the constant feeding of the parrot that they had to set free. I got them a maypole (stereo) and an easel, because Portia wanted an easel when she aged up (Arts&Crafts is also May’s One True Hobby) and Bay wanted a stereo earlier (Drifa also had a modern looking one in her inventory). After paying everything, they were left with only 190$. 

I have to say they got really lucky not with the ROS, but with the numbers they rolled later. Military men coming home from war ended up appreciating the meal they shared with them and the family was given 1000$, even despite everyone’s really low cooking skill. That's the most they could get with their nonexistent culinary potential. If you really want to know what I think... they probably ate the pigs...

~*~

I moved Drifa in with the sim blender. She’s 3 days younger than Bay and May. She will still age up at the very end of the next round and they can get married properly then. Before I moved in Drifa, I had also double checked how much money she was supposed to have and put it in her wallet. She had 825$ initially (from playing the piano and inheriting money from Myron), but as she had to pay a tax on that, she was only allowed to take 500$ with her. It left the Jenkins family with 1342$, as Sibyl won a swimming contest last round. They probably didn’t even notice Drifa’s leaving, since their money still checks out. 

[stayathomesurveys]

120.

How old were you when you learned how to drive? I started learning when I was like 22, but I still don’t know how lmao. Have you ever been to a baby shower? What was the baby’s name? Yeah, just for my sister’s daughter. Her name is Harper and she just turned 7! Time sure did fly. What mode of transport did you take to high school? Car or bus. Name a personality trait of yours that you like. I’m friendly. Name something about your physical attraction that you dislike. Everything. I hate how I look. Every little thing. I hate it all.

What’s in your purse right now? Nothing.

Do you vote in your country’s elections? Yes. What was your first kiss like? Fine. Shuffle your music and skip twice. What song is playing? No. Have you ever been a freelancer? Kinda. What mood were you in when you woke up today? I haven’t been to sleep yet lmao. What storey is your bedroom on? I live on the 5th floor. What gifts do you usually receive at Easter? I usually got candy and maybe stuffed animals or toys, sometimes clothes. Do you use a planner to keep track of your life? I did when I had a need to. Who was the last person you sent an email to? Hiring manager at a job that I’m interviewing for today. Are there any posters in your bedroom? Nope. What was your favourite fairytale as a kid? Idk. Is there anything in your freezer that you really need to get rid of? Yeah. There’s a steak in there that Correy put in there months ago... and forgot about. It might still be good but who knows. Also there’s half a bag of fries that is probably freezer burnt. Have you ever played Second Life? Nope. What do you like about the town or city you live in? There’s a lot that I like about it. What do you dislike about the town or city you live in? EXPENSIVE AS FUCK. Are your parents good cooks? Yes. What’s the first thing you notice about a person? Overall appearance, I guess. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? Yeah, a few times. Yeah, I liked it. What is your favourite museum? I like art museums, science museums, the holocaust museum. I don’t think I’ve been to a museum that I didn’t like. National Gallery of Art here in DC is amazing, though. Do you know anyone who is an actor? Yeah. Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? Yeah. How many weddings have you been to? 1. Do you watch Youtube? What channels do you like? Yes. Robert Welsh, James Welsh, The Welsh Twins (their shared channel), Bailey Sarian, Jaime French, Tati, Manny MUA, Alex Meyers, Mista GG, Good Mythical Morning/Good Mythical MORE, Kennie JD, James Turner, Scott Cramer, Ask A Mortician, Lydia Tomlinson, Brad Mondo, Matt Stonie, Alter, Jonna Jinton,The Try Guys, JOLLY. That’s it for like “entertainment”. I follow other social media based channels that post stuff about how to pose for pictures/take your own pictures, etc. I also follow a lot of subliminals channels and fitness/home workout channels and movie review channels :P What’s your alcohol of choice? I don’t really drink anymore. Have you ever used a public pay phone? As a kid. Which one item would you save from your burning house? MY CATS. Do you have a Twitter account? Yes. What is your hair like right now? Clean. Soft. Wavy/curly. How do you like your eggs cooked? Scrambled. What’s the longest you’ve been without showering? Idk. Name one of your guilty pleasure songs. Idk. Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. What was the most expensive bill you paid within the last month? Car.

[gatheringbones]

["After my initial gender realization, I saw a therapist for six months. She was decidedly unhelpful, except perhaps in giving me an opportunity to practice setting boundaries and discontinuing services. She insisted I was really a straight trans man, and that nonbinary genders, bisexuality, and asexuality were not real. She pressured me to break up with my partner because he was cis and struggling to integrate my identity shift; she wanted me to start dating women. She pressured me to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT), even though I wasn't sure hormones were right for me.

It took a lot of internal debate and discussion to see another health provider. Luckily, I found a lovely, trans-affirming endocrinologist who was onboard with starting me on low-dose HRT, letting me direct the speed of medical transition. I went to the doctor's appointment, filled my prescription for transdermal T, and started T, all without being sure. Yet within a few days of starting testosterone, my body felt better, felt more like home.

In my moments of intense gender questioning, when I felt like I didn't know anything, I would make lists of things I did know. And one of the things at the very top was always top surgery. Within six weeks of top surgery, I started wondering why I had gotten rid of all my femme clothes. I felt so free; clothing suddenly fit how it was supposed to. As people began to read my masculinity as "man," I felt the need to adjust my expression to better reflect my gender in whatever way it wanted to manifest. And as I had done so many times before, I returned to Savers.

Even after I started a salaried job that solidly placed me in middle-class territory, I still couldn't abide the idea of paying more than a few dollars for clothes. Despite having a financial cushion, my brain would not let me forget: all it would take for me to be homeless was a few bad things hand in hand with a work layoff. Unlike many of my peers who were raised in upper-middle-class families, I didn't have well-off parents to bail me out if things went wrong. My parents' hold on their lower-middle-class status was always tenuous. My class insecurity snuck into many areas of my life. I found myself stocking up on nonperishables when I was stressed; I always picked the item I needed based on how cheap it was; I bought only sale items; I stayed in the motels with the most "value"; and, in general, I hoarded my money for that day when disaster would strike.

Despite these life changes, I always returned to Savers: my own private genderqueer boutique. My first necktie, the red tie that goes well with everything, came from Savers. It's silky soft, a rich crimson. It first adorned my sweaty neck the first time I wore pants to a wedding, complementing my navy blazer and khakis. It snuck its way into my work wardrobe, adding formality to black pants and a white dress shirt. It was worn at parties, around a bare neck, sitting on a bound chest. In time, it was accompanying me to work yet again, but as part of a different ensemble: a men's white dress shirt with the favored crimson tie, matched with a black skirt and ballet flats.

Savers also provided me with beginning attire for trapeze and circus arts. I started doing circus arts a year ago and it's been transformative. I'm getting to do similar things with my body as I did in gymnastics, but with a body that is mine. I'm still unlearning the toxic messages from gymnastics. In contrast, circus celebrates everyone; all bodies and all gender expressions are welcome. Circus has always been a refuge for the freaks and weirdos; people are celebrated for being their funky, unique selves. My expansive gender is encouraged. People have offered me their makeup before performances when I somehow neglect to bring mine. And performing has been brain-breaking for me; I perform to entertain people, not to attain technical excellence. Unlike with gymnastics, I don't start from perfection and then fuck up. I go out, perform tricks I enjoy accompanied by music I love, wow the crowd, and give them a window into what it can look like to be genderqueer and trans and at home in one's body."]

Aubri Drake, from Clothes Make The Gender/Queer, from Non-binary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity, edited by Micah Rajunov and Scott Duane, Columbia University Press, 2019