#I just need you guys to know he isnt some poor guy who lacks self esteem or such bs

[cirripedia]

I love reading good analysis of will grahams character but it's ruined whenever op of the post goes "he rejected hannibal because he thought he was unlovable uwu" you fucks Istg. he didnt reject hannibal because he lacks self esteem, he did that because he didnt think hannibal was capable of love. thats why he only fully devoted himself to hannibal once someone else, bedelia, confirmed hannibals love for will to him.

will isnt a uwu I hate myself uwu kinda character. he suffers with narcissism and self righteousness. in digestivo, he chastises hannibal just because hannibal had accepted himself but will couldnt do the same. somewhere he still thought he was better than hannibal just because how he dealt with his own true self. when will is also a killer. I hate whenever this fandom tries to portray him as someone who hates himself. he doesnt. hes antisocial and likes being alone not only bcause people dont understand him and he had felt rejected by society and alone, thats all true, but its also because he thinks hes better than everyone else and prefers being alone. just like hannibal.

[neverdoingmuch]

now hear me out,,, an au where lan wangji is an editor who works for an erotica publisher and wei wuxian is essentially chuck tingle. (also lwj writes romance novels on the side)

wei wuxian didn’t plan to write erotica he wants to make that really clear, he was actually studying like biomed or something equally “oh wow my parents can brag to the other parents about this”

but, as frequently happens in wwx’s life, he got drunk with nhs, like really drunk and they woke up the next morning with a laptop on the floor beside them and loose paper strewn everywhere

they don’t really remember what they were doing or thinking last night but they’ve both drawn a bunch of really shitty and weird porn (the less said about the anthropomorphic version of wen chao’s pet turtle the better) and wei wuxian has like 20,000 words of an erotica story on his laptop

when he starts reading it, at first he’s like haha what the fuck this is so weird but then it turned out to be really good??? and nhs blushed at some of the ~sexy~ scenes so that’s how wwx knew he was writing the good stuff

anyway they’re sitting there, eating their hangover food and wei wuxian goes so uh my story was good right? and nhs is like yeah it was, top stuff i would buy it and wei wuxian goes what if i actually wrote it,,, haha just kidding,,,,, unless?

and in his defence he doesn’t actually write anything for the story for another like three months but then he finds himself in the middle of exam season and he’s like fuck it stress relief let’s write some erotica

he finishes the book and his exams (which he does well in but whatever) and then spends his summer holidays editing the book

when he comes back, he slaps down a paper copy on nhs’ desk and is like i finished it. nhs, thinking he meant his latest lab write up, opens it up to a random page and starts reading it out loud which was a Mistake

he trails off mid-sentence, and whips around to glare at wwx with all the wrath he can muster. it’s raunchy nhs says and just read it wwx tells him so nhs does

like 2 hours later nhs turns to him and says if it wasnt for you and the librarian staring at me the whole time i definitely would’ve felt something and wwx is like so it’s good? and nhs is like fuck yeah it is but i dont get what you want from me?

pretty much wwx passed out after exams, slept for like 20 hours and then woke up and went i should publish this and decided that nhs should draw the cover art.

nhs agrees of course and a month later wwx self-publishes bc there’s no way he can walk into a publishing house with his porn and not just combust on the spot and he decides to go by the name yiling patriarch

wwx clicks the final button to upload the fic and nhs just toasts him and goes yknow what,, this is the closest you’ve ever gotten to having sex and i’m proud of you

wei wuxian is the man who guarded his first kiss for the first twenty years of his life for someone special,,,, wwx definitely wants his first time to be special and there’s no way he’s putting out for someone he doesn’t think is important & despite having dated before, he’s never gotten close enough to someone to go yeah let’s do it so our boy is still a virgin

so wwx’s entire erotica writing inspiration comes from porn, nhs’ way too in-depth answers as to how his latest date went and uh more porn

wwx blusters about a bit bc how is he meant to respond to that and nhs is like maybe you’ll finally move on from reading those trashy romance novels and read something more exciting and wwx is like how dare you call them trashy!! hanguang-jun is a master of the romance novels!! he understands the heart in a way that no other person has ever!! 

and nhs just chugs a bunch of wine and is like yeah hon okay, do you still blush when the main characters hold hands? and wwx is like no! of course not! (it’s a lie, he blushes a lot)

so nothing really happens with the book at first and wwx forgets about it for the most part but then he wakes up one morning and he’s got an extra like RMB 1000 (i dont actually know much about currency so it’s roughly $200 if my quick interneting is legit)

wwx is like wtf? and once he finds out it’s from his novel he’s doubly like wtf? but then he finds out that someone had purchased his book and did a dramatic reading on youtube bc wwx decided that regular erotica was boring and decided to make it satirical or whatever and people loved it??

he’s got nothing better to do so he just goes hm yeah remember that Author i dated who had an “incredible idea that would absolutely amaze The Critics and helped explore his own convoluted mind” let’s make something of that and he writes another book kinda mocking that idea in a very horny way.

he publishes it and someone writes a review of his two books on their blog and now he’s actually starting to get popular - he’s got more money from those two books than he did by working at the local cafe for the whole week

wwx is poor and broke and semi-disowned anyway by this point so he goes fuck it and spends every moment he’s not studying writing erotica. 

he publishes another like five books by the time the year is out (i know the maths isnt working here but this is a book world where wwx can just do that via the power of loneliness and friends who egg you on)

also?? he varies his books. some of them are porn parody things a la chuck tingle and some of them are genuine porn and one book was just him writing a recipe book but making it sound as horny as possible

by the time he’s published his like 8th book or so he starts getting reviews that are critiquing his book and most of them boil down to the fact that he needs an editor or something 

he ends up asking nhs for help and he’s like oh sweet my brother’s boyfriend works for a publisher who does that sort of thing

cloud recesses actually specialises in erotica and i hate the idea that lqr has spent years reading and editing erotica but sacrifices must be made

(side note that i know nothing about the writing or publishing process so pls don’t judge me too harshly)

wwx goes in with his latest manuscript and ends up arriving like ten minutes late, he rushes into the room sweaty and hot, takes one look at the guy sitting on the other side of the desk, flushes an even brighter red and runs back out of the room. he checks the plaque on the door and walks back in slowly and goes hm i didnt expect you to be so hot

cue lan wangji

lwj has always enjoyed being an editor. what do editor do specifically? idk? edit? regardless, he enjoys it. 

while most of the time he’s happy working from this side of things he also likes writing

lwj fucks. he deserves it tbh. but, while he’s had a tonne of one night stands and fuckbuddies, he’s never actually dated someone. so the fact that he’s writing romance novels under the pseudonym hanguang-jun makes his friend jzx laugh a lot

he tried writing porn once and he just couldn’t do it. it was always too clinical or vague and lacked any actual passion bc he was always going oh okay mc sucks a dick but the guy i slept with last week was like a 6.4/10 when it came to sucking dick so maybe mc should also be bad at it or whatever and it just ends up falling apart,,,, but romance he can do

as an editor lwj has pretty high standards for good erotica but he’s really found himself enjoying yiling patriarch’s work even though he’s clearly just been editing himself so when the guy sent cloud recesses an email asking whether they’d be interested in his latest book lwj was ecstatic. 

he also didnt expect wwx to be so hot

anyway,,, we now get to enjoy a week of lwj thinking that wwx is super hot but even more annoying and then him deciding that annoying is hot and now wwx is just absolutely amazing and wwx is just panicking the entire time 

i want my publisher to rail me so hard wwx texts nhs and nhs just responds has he read the bdsm scene with the alien who has a tentacle dick and a knot yet? and wwx is like no??? nhs just goes shame, it will give him so ideas for if you ever grow a backbone and just ask him out

they publish one book together and nothing happened between them the entire time other than yearning and horniness,, of the heart and body. 

when wwx realises this means that he won’t get to see lwj again he immediately writes a new book and like a month later he’s back in lwj’s office, lying on his couch while whining about the cafeteria prices at university

lwj is very enamoured by the fact that wwx is writing erotica and studying biomed bc wow

they do this for like another three books and wwx’s eroticas evolve from here’s a dinosaur man fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on to be like here’s a dinosaur man with black hair and golden eyes and a stern look to his face fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on

and hanguang-jun’s latest book?? i dont want to say that this au’s version of wangxian is hanguang-jun finally finding inspiration to write porn (his muse is wwx of course) and writing the most amazing porn with feelings and plot novel ever,, but it is. 

wwx read it five times in the first week and when nhs finally tried to read it he was like uhhh wwx are you a narcissist, the love interest is exactly like you? and wwx is like ??? no???? he’s nothing like me??

anyway one day wwx gets called into lxc’s office and lxc is like so i’ve read your latest book (not the dinosaur man, a serious one with like normal people and not overly humorous thank fuck but still full of lwj yearning) and wwx is like okay? and lxc goes yes, see i was worried that you didn’t care very much for my brother but after reading your book i’m not so sure and wwx gets the weirdest shovel talk ever which is interspersed with like compliments for his porn writing skills

anyway lxc accidentally mentions that lwj writes books too and before he can take it back wwx is like who??? and lxc is like are you fucking stupid?? you told lwj to his face that you loved his books,,, he broke his theme of tender romance to write kinky sex with a character that’s a lot like you and wwx is like .,,,,,,,,, hanguang-jun??? HANGUANG-JUN???!!

lxc barely manages to confirm it before wwx is sprinting out of his office and across to find lwj.

regretfully for everyone else, lwj is in the lobby so thirty people get to hear it when wwx comes in and shouts LAN ZHAN!! back then, i really wanted write porn about you! ... i think i have actually? but i want to write porn about you and i want to be able to do the research to make it accurate! and i also want to go on dates and hold hands and feed each other food! and i love you a lot! 

lwj is dying inside bc his brother’s bf is there, his uncle is currently waiting for the elevators and a whole bunch of staff are also there but also wwx likes him??? dinosaur man was lwj??

he goes over and they make out for a really long time right there in the middle of the lobby but no one wants to get between them when they’ve been pining for so long

after that they start dating and they do all the romantic stuff but also,, let’s just say that the next book wwx publishes is a lot more creative than all of his previous books

and they become some writing power couple with horniness of the heart and body and sometimes wwx will be like hey lwj i don’t really know how the logistics of this sex scene will work and lwj will be like we could try it out ourselves? and wwx just pats him on the head and is like im sorry but you dont have enough dicks for it to work ),: better luck next time

[citialiin]

FIVE SONGS

list five songs associated with your muse and its meaning to them as a character, or to you as the writer. this can be applied in-character or out-of-character. it can go as deep as looking at the song’s real-world origins or meaning along with the themes it carries to the muses’ story, values, or experiences, or as simple as if your muse would listen to this kind of music, or even if you just listen to these pieces for inspiration.

TAGGED BY: @dansiere​​, who did such a good detailed job they even included an “honorable mentions list” ? i am embarrassed to type mine out now TAGGING: @blossomingbeelzebug​​ @zhrets​​ @dirtyfilthysunshine​​ @prcphesise​​ @hyakiru​ @foxcharmed​

01. kaun komsott - ros sereysothea

this song actually lyrically has absolutely nothing to do with ziggy !!!!  kaun komsott /  កូនកំសត់ actually just means “poor/pitiful child” it’s just a khmer dub of a song from a taiwanese movie lol but i feel like this is the kind of music he would listen to that made him fall in love with, like ... humanity, as dumb as that sounds. it’s time period appropriate (late 60s/early to mid 70s), the song is really good and it’s SO emotional.  i could see him sitting in the apartment of his bandmates after being “found” and they teach him how to use the record player and he sits there going through each and every record they have and listening to this and its like the fucking scene in ratatootie where the goddamn rat can visualize tastes as colors but he would be so enamored with the song he would see it in colors or something i dunno.  something has definitely fucking happened to my brain because ever since nat and alex and i rewatched ratatootie we keep referencing it for our characters. anyways i ended up using an instrumental of kaun komsott in the final film i made as the song that plays during the end.  so this song just also means a lot to me because it’s part of how i made this character and the film/story i animated to go along with him, i am sure you are all absolutely sick of hearing me talk about it <3  

02. who can i be now - daveed booweyywywy now you found me, now can I be real?  can I be real? if it’s all a vast creation / putting on a face that’s new someone has to see / a role for him and me someone might as well be you

one of z’s most obvious character motifs is figuring out self identity through adopting different guises.  he markets himself as being so overly confident and almost arrogantly certain of himself -- rock god space idol whatever -- as his own way of learning who he thinks he might be underneath it all.  i think at first it started off a little innocuous, a ‘ fake it till u make it ’ thing at the least and maybe more obviously a ‘ im not a human so i have to pretend to be someone else ’ deal, but over time it became almost all consuming and just obliterated all his previously held sense of self in favor of some weirdly demented version of who he wanted to be.  683 starts off with the same core personality traits as ziggy: maybe he’s a little vain, a little selfish, but he’s very interested in creativity/self-expression and he wants to be thought of as a unique individual and appreciated for his differences.  but the difference is that 683 isnt an arrogant asshole who has no regard for other people in the slightest.  so yeah ... who can u be now ... is it worth it to adopt a different guise or should he go through the effort of figuring out what parts of his personality were corroded by human influence and what parts are genuinely him?  my big endgame thoughts for his story would be that he eventually just decides to retire from the public eye and fucks off entirely.  this would be over the course of a long long long time -- maybe he has a good 20 yr run in the industry -- but there are some things about him he has to deal with (mental health issues, drug addiction, also the fact that you’re a freaky alien creature who doesnt age like a human so you’re physically like 46 and you still look like you’re 25?) so he inevitably decides he doesnt need the horrible pressure of fame and he ought to just live his life for himself.  i think this would be a nice final song for him to sing/perform -- then he goes into the dressing room and cuts his hair and just vanishes. bye.

03. sunny afternoon - the kinks Help me, help me, help me sail away Well give me two good reasons why I oughta stay 'Cause I love to live so pleasantly Live this life of luxury Lazing on a sunny afternoon

1. i think this would sound A LITTLE like the kind of music he would write/play albeit i feel like his would be more exciting and have more samplings of like laser noises or pewpewpew or weird spaceship sounds BUT.  its also pretty time period appropriate.  even in “modern” verses ziggy is inexplicably obsessed with the 1970s, he likes bell bottoms and thinks groovy patterns are neat and he owns too many lava lamps.  anywayz. 2. just the general idea of feeling unfulfilled with luxury -- even if ziggy enjoys his fame and wealth and the absolutely insane amount of pussy/dick he gets at some level he is still cognizantly aware of how weirdly empty he feels.  he ditched atomina and came here because he felt unfulfilled and bored and unwanted.  now he feels wanted (clearly, everyone loves him) and he feels entertained (earth is So Good at fun distractions) but his fulfillment still isnt quite there.  he’s getting there -- but in exchange of being able to live this life of fame, he’s had to kind of change everything about himself and live this almost caricature version of himself, and he knows he cant keep it up forever.  the luxury will run out one day and he’ll be a washup and no one cares about celebrities once they stop being hip.  it is literally only a matter of time before ziggy has to find out who he is because no one can be a “rockstar” forever.

04. i hate jimmy page - mindless self indulgence SUCKAS CAN REACH OUT TOUCH ME EAT ME BITE DA FUTURE & FUCK DA PAST  I'm lower than most animals and fear what might be weird and all those voices in my head have every right to be there i ain't a girl just cause i rock the boat i ain't a boy just cause i rock your world

i mean he does hate jimmy page but that’s beside the point. its just a good song about being a crazy rockstar and has the same Craziness that i feel like accompanies his character ... just go listen to it you will understand. there is nothing to explain here.  even the lyric “ill show u how official midgets jack me off” like just accept it. it’s whatever  but yeah i aint a girl i aint a boy ... i guess his gender (or lack thereof) never really comes up in rp but its still an important part of his character.  if any of u guys ever call him a man in prose again ill kick ur ass.  gender is like an accessory to him and he just takes whatever aspects of masculinity/femininity he prefers and discards everything else.  to him he’s just as much a “man” or a “woman” as he is a “human” which is to say he isnt, at all, and he just pretends to be because he feels obligated to.  also ziggy’s brain kind of sounds like this...just Noises.  his brain sounds like a microwave that’s been going off for 26 years.  i think his brain is a single uncooked pinto bean rolled in glitter that’s been left in a box with a cobweb

05. ghostride - crumb daydreaming I stay in the backseat / the slow beat rocks me back to sleep keeps me on automatic  press my face up close against the glass i see the people when they pass they move so automatic you wake up when I go down / the radio reminds me I'm alive we've been hearing it all night

i care more about 683 on atomina than i do about ziggy on earth sometimes (BUT I CARE THEM BOTH. DO U?) so ... 683 feeling aimless and drifting but trying to find purpose through passion, a person, some sort of concrete meaning -- going through the motions of life makes him feel empty he spends almost every day going through the same toil while feeling guilty or like a burden and also feeling like he’s ultimately nothing more than a replaceable cog in a machine. his species had a near extinction = bottleneck which made them so genetically similar they’re almost clones of each other.  no one ever seems to do anything wrong except him, he finds no joy or fulfillment in anything at all.  all he ever wanted (which isnt a selfish desire at all) was to feel purpose, or feel wanted, or appreciated. inevitably he leaves because of his own imagination -- he yearns for something More, and he doesn’t know What, so he figured he ought to at least Try instead of waste his life away. also atomina is supposed to sound like “automatic.”  do NOT make fun of my bad scifi.  i am trying to mimic the way 1970s scifi is endearingly cheesy.  come here.  i just want to touch you with this knife.  gently tho it wont go inside of you. bro you are bleeding. bro we are bleeding and i keep putting the knife in your soft parts.

[bookishbea]

Black Friday Reaction

Okay so I’ll be live tweeting Black Friday but none of it will have any sense to it but it’ll just be my reactions

1. The Paul thing is really bothering me

2. I really love the mention of the other characters

3. If Jane is mention is the story about the mom mentioned some more

4. Is the delivery man ted (cause he’s also a sleazeball

5. It’s weird seeing Cory not play a pure bean

6. I love California MIA

7. The little sister (Im sorry I’m bad at names) I self project as autistic and she something else idk

8. Did anyone else noticed Robert’s Australian accent come out?

9. Like I said this is out of order so yeah but I personally think the second song in the show was very shocking as I’m not used to very serious starkid songs

10. When Robert gestures smoking i think its lowkey a refrence to the smoke club

11. I have a crush on lex

12. I love Lauren’s charecter so much

13. I love the name linda becuase it could be like a karen without using that name

14. Not to get poltical but i choose to belive they made an antivax joke

15. Also the marvel nerd in me loves the name becky barnes

16. I know its probaly not on purpose but joeys charecters costume in line looks like the homeless guy’s one

17. Jaimey is great as always

18. The conversation is so cringe i love it

19. I kinda hope torture porn is a fanfic refrence (i know most people would want me to say spies are forever but nope)

20. I love Lauren but shouldnt her accent be included when she sings

21. I love Jeff’s reaction

22. I may get some hate for this but what was bothering me in tgwdlm and i notice in starkid is lack of fan comments in the captions

23. As a theatre fan i love the toy zone song (i am not sure if thats the right name) espcially the do wop becuase it reminds me of older musicals

24. Also since i watched tgwdlm and black friday a day apart its weird to come from songs happening because they are infected to songs happening cause its a musical

25. i love the love the line we are not relaibly to anyone who dies becuase they clearly show in the trailer that someone will die (this is not a spoiler if you watch the trailer for Black Friday)

26. I love Corey but when he dances i notice a bulge (i am not a perv he makes it very obvious)

27. So i rewinded it to make sure i wanst going crazy and realized something as lex says the pepper spray line. She would be good as janis ian

28. I love the touch money part its so cute even if its not supposed to be

29. Jaime plays a perv really well

30. I love Jon’s charecter its hilarious

31. Also i love jon and lauren interactions so it was cool seeing them together not as paul and emma

32. I love seeing more of Jon because although hes reaally good at playing paul paul doesnt have any flavor and its cool seeing jon do something diffrent

33. Jeff’s fuck you

34. Okay I was right it was the homeless guy and i bet the money is paul’s money

35. And this is not a sterotpye as i am jewish myself but i bet Laurens charecter is jewish

36. Its sad that the price thing is true

37. So i am a theatre fan and do not watch got but that music kinda reminds me of got

38. Cant tell if jeff’s charecter is gay and a perv or just a perv (i realzie this could be mmisinterpreted as homophobic i just mean to say that jamie’s charecter just seems like a full out perv where as i cant tell with jeff’s)

39. Obviously you shouldnt be that insane but i do like the lines about how you are in charge of life and dont care about what others think. its goood life advice

39. Looks like Paul’s boss got his wish

40. They are all idiots for holding up the doll when everyone wants to get it

41. Corey’s charecter is like shit, money isnt that imporant

42. Becky why are you a part of this you have moral high ground (yes i am ignorning the fact that cast usually join in dance numbers even if their charecter isnt a part of it)

43. Shouldnt tom get ptsd (see above)

44. Lex you already have one (see above)

45. So i may be overthinking things but how curt says never should settle is in the tune of spies are forever

46. Is it just me or did anyone else notice when the security guard comes in the tune of show me your hands comes in

47. I dont know why but i do love soft bullies because hes like hey im punching you but only for the kid

48. Some may say its schizo or something hannah has but its anxiery or something from how shes expressing it

49. I feel like hannah has a superpower and can tell whats happening

50. Maybe webby is actually wiggly

51. Baby (both hannah and robert)

52. Please tell me my babies not dead

53. Jon’s eee is adorable and silly

54. Wait hes alive

55. Wait no hes dead, im sad liek starkid is supposed to be fun and happy this is the darkest star kid yet. Even oregon deaths were silly

56. I love starkid but this is making me anxious i cant tell if its good anxious or bad anxious

57. Also i relate to the black and white thing not fully but liek whenever i dont feel well sometimes my brain is overstimulating but only in my head its very hard to explain 

58. Also i think sometimes kids on the spectrum and im not an expert but i do have it kind of make a friend in their head and i do that too sometimes just to give me advice

59. Also i hope they dont get rid of the black and white as sometimes people go more crazy without the figurative voice in their head

60. Like i said this is going to be random order so i like that emma adopted paul;s Okay and no im not making a tfios refrence

61. Poor Tim

62. Poor becky but even less

63. i thought they were supposed to be mad at g-d but in this and tgwdlm they like g-d

64. I cant tell the other pins on joey’s jacket but the first two i notice are mr wiggly and paul

65. I love Lauren’s acting you can see the very sublte sadness in her

66. Lauren and Joey together ahhhh

67. I know its probaly not a big deal but they should give a seziure warning before the tv scene

68. Did they reuse curts spies are forever outfit

69. Really starkid the obama refrence seriously, i cant tell if im mad or laughing 

70. How did Bob get one

71. I do realize they are talking irl but i cant help but wonder if the nazis were a spies are forever refrence

72. Does wiggly have a special power or something 

73. I think its similar to the metero the closer you are the more power it has over you

74. The starkid special effects we all know and love

75. Also is that mcnamara

76. Also maybe shooting it (the doll) does the same thing that shooting the affceted does. Give them no power

77. I cant tell what the music reminds me of exactly but the tune does kinda refrence a diffrent star kid song

78. Jeff looks so proud of himself for the peeps line

79. I love the purposeful i presume reuse of lines

80. Is peip like men in black

81. Also hatchetfield kind of reminds me of night vale

82. Is the black and white like the upside down?

83. I wonder if the point was purposeful since someone was filming or just choreographed

84. Yes Jon Singing!!!!!

85. I love the act two opener

86. Did his parents really name him christmas?!?

87. Oh hes literally related to santa

88. I love lauren and joey as eleves

89. Noel another christmas name

90. Isnt the little dance move like a genie move or something

91. Its so cute that she insitincitvely went to their seats

92. Also carving is goals

93. Even though its a penis its still goals

94. I know what you are, say it, santa clause

95. Tom dont yell at your girl

96. Poor Tom

97. But also dont make this about you

98. They probaly werent the head of the school since they were nice, i am sorry but thats true

99. Yass girl fight his ass

100. Also the theatre kid in me is picturing all that jazz

101. he ran into my knife he ran into my knife ten times

102. Yes Becky’s husband (i forget the name sue me) is bad but i feel like becky is more sinister then we realize

103. Becky’s line even if it isnt meant to be is so funny

104. The girl who plays Becky could play Barbara

105. I love how Joey and Lauren look into the camera

106. Jamie saying santa awww such a pure bean

107. The person in the wiggly onsie is goals

108. Matrix glasses for the win

109. Is wilbur a refrence to Charelots Web?

110. Its a cult a cult of wiggly

111. I feel like Sherman young is around 30-40

112. I love how its mommy to sound less pervy

113. Oh wait never mind Linda is mom

114. Shit thats fucked up they killed him

115. I am right a jew no non jew says mensch

116. To quote jared klienman kinky (shoe kiss scene)

117. Also i love this song the adore song

118. Why does them picking up Lauren give me Draco vibes

119. Wait he isnt dead?? im so confused

120. Wait he is dead???

121. Also ethan is creepy now

122. But Roberts expressions are goals

123. Robert your proffesor hidgens is showing

124. What the how does he know her name

125. Savage Wiggly

126. Wiggly is more funny than scary

127. But my poor baby dont be scared

128. What the fuck tom

129. Also poor baby number two

130. At first you think becky is made about him hurting a child but no its about the doll

131. What the fuck Becky

132. Also I wonder if thats the same serum that Hidgens used

133. Tom yelling at the audince is hilarious

134. Also Becky singing is giving me little shop vibes

135. Becky are you drunk or something you so stupid

136. But yayy my baby doesnt get hurt

137. More starkid special effects

138. Also the lighting nod to tgwdlm

139. Also why did they take my baby (see i told you random)

140. So the perv is wiggly

141. Also if he can appear in regular formation on earth why does he need to be the doll

142. Oh wait never mind he explains it

143. Joey talking to the audience and making them hold the apple is goals

144. I love Joey’s song

145. MIA = Missing in Action = Made in America

146. Wait im wrong Joey cant be Wiggly unless he has super powers he cant be in two places at once

147. I know they dont mean sex but still wtf

148. Lauren looks so done i cant

149. Seziure warning after mr presidnet leaves the black and white

150. Unless it was purposeful they should have hidden the dolls better backstage

151. Wait didnt hannah say something about two doors earlier?

152. Seriously Sherman ponies

153. I love the going back line

154. My poor baby lex

155. No Lex dont die not you too

156. Haha throwback to tgwdlm

157. Yes baby you got the gun

158. Also die perv die

159. Eagle screeching is goals

160. Yes lex use that logic

161. Also it makes sense only the adults can be brainwashed

162. There were only adults no children, scary (not sarcastic i promise)

163. Seriously starkid Fortnight

164. Thats why you should never fully grow up

165. Woah what Lex says is deep

166. Yessss Tom

167. Wait Tom dont hold the gun

168. Wait is Charolette alive or just a reuse of costume, if so why would they have jaimie wear it

169. No dont take her magic hat

170. Haha stupid hats cant be magic only dolls obviously

171. Does lauren say something like fucking knife in another show too?

172. Lauren screaming gives me my father will hear about this vibes

173. Also give my baby her hat back

174. Yass Lauren get it girl (i do realize shes playing the villian but still)

175. Yass Robert get it

176. Even though shes a viilain i dont like seeing Lauren get killed

177. But also how did they get the bullet wound on her so quick im impressed

178. Haha the way Gary stops everything to talk to gerald is goals

179. Like hes like oh shit money

180. And then hes like oh wait i have to pretend to care

181. I love how exagerated their dying is

182. Thats an impressive quick change

183. Yess Emma Hidgens

184. But also no hell fuck up again

185. Also Paul interupting is goals

186. Haha hannah you go girl

187. First off I love the song

188. Song off Hannah’s voice

189. Is paul scared normal or because of the hive

190. Wait all the tgwdlm charecters are back like nothing happened im confused

191. Haha the Hatchfield band is back

[coinofstone]

Mint Condition 14x04

If you follow me on the tweety you’ll know that I made a pathetic attempt at a full season re-watch starting in like… September. I got as far as the end of S5 before S15 began, but given my severe case of swiss cheese brain I decided to pause the full series re-watch there and pick up at 14x01. I figured it’ll be faster to get through S14 for a refresher and then go back to S6. Shut up my logic makes sense to me.  ANYwho, Mint Condition is probably my second favorite episode of S14 and definitely an overall series stand out for me - even tho I did have terrible nightmares after the first time I watched it. That fuckin dummy was goddamn terrifying and my subconscious was REALLY GODDAMNED SURE he was going to kill me in my sleep. I’m happy to report i had zero issues sleeping after watching it this time. :) Altho watch I just jinxed myself, since I am gonna watch again as I write this to pull quotes and screens.  You can tell I’ve been looking up recipes cuz theres a massive intro nobody gives a shit about before I get to the point of the post. NEVER FEAR! The good bits are under the cut. 

Let me just start by pointing out that while I do believe that Stuart is a mirror for Cas, The whole toxic fanboy/incel/chan troll shtick isnt reflective of Cas as a person in the way we (I) would normally judge someone like that.  I’m not sure if it’s because Davy actually sympathizes with and sees no harms in humanizing those people, or if it was for the fun of playing with a character like that, but there certainly are some parallels there - in the sense that even within his own community he’s  a misfit, rebellious, and argumentative. either way, the trench coat is pretty damning. 

Girl Sam comments that the store had been left to her and Dirk, but Stuart had been fired twice, the previous owner kept catching him stealing. But they hired him back because “he’s my friend”. That forgiveness, Stuart’s bad choices and lack of ‘impulse control’ it’s all reflective of Cas, even though it paints Cas in an unnecessarily negative light, on the surface it’s arguable but not entirely wrong. When Stuart pulls out the Panthro toy, his response is: “so angry, so handsome” and damn if that doesnt describe Dean lol.The fact that the first thing we see him do is steal this handsome, angry figure from the place it was sent is just another Dean detail. 

Hey you know who else got stabbed in the gut like that and almost died?

These two are the strongest mirror in the ep. Bonding over candy, shared fashion sense and a love of horror flicks, Dirk tells Dean (those names) that he wants to ‘watch over’ Stuart while he is unconscious, and that despite his rough edges, Stuart has been there for him, giving him a place to crash and escape his shitty father. Which, I mean, this is heavy handed as fuck, presumably to make sure the GA doesn’t miss it, but seriously all this kid needs is an American classic muscle car and a love of Led Zeppelin. 

This where I 

curse my inability to gif because it’s the sublest of moments here but when Dirk asks Dean which of the All Saints Day movies is his favorite, Dean throws a quick glance over his shoulder, as if to make sure nobody is listening. He’s so used to hiding this side of himself, the nerd, the fanboy, that even though he’s a grown ass man that regularly kills supernatural evils, he instinctively looks around real quick to make sure he won’t get caught having this conversation. It’s heartbreaking, and I think, attributable entirely to Jensen - but that’s entirely spec on my part. He does this three times in this scene, before finally getting comfortable and enjoying Dirk’s company. Jesus you’d think he was engaging in some kind of elicit trade the way he’s got his head on a swivel. Poor thing. 

“growing up it was always nice to check out for while… I like to watch movies where I know the bad guys’s gonna lose.” Dean’s preferred method of escapism is relatable, sure, but  he’s also point blank telling us right here, WHY he’s been hiding out in his room watching these movies, he’s self-soothing. He’s just revealed that he was awake and drowning the entire time he was possessed by Michael, he doesn’t know why he was ‘released’ but he knows he came home to find a ‘house full of strangers’. The fact that his self care at this point is pizza, beer and movies the way he did as a kid rather than cheap whiskey, the way we’ve seen him do as an adult, probably speaks volumes to how actually affected he really is.  

Dean being the one to wrestle with the father figure - the owner of the store who taught them everything they know before his death, leaving them the business to run and then possessing the lifesize figure of a mechanic who’d been literally burned in order to get revenge on the one who’d been stealing from them - I hate the idea of a John vs Cas parallel and I don’t think it was intended to go that deep, but there’s no denying a paralell between the ghost of Jordan and John.  

The thread on these two, in my opinion, is a little thin. Beyond the ‘ha ha Sam’s a girl’ joke, and their shared science nerd bit here, the main thing really is that even though the store was left to Sam AND Dirk, it seems like Sam is the defacto leader. She’s the one we see dealing with the incoming delivery, she’s the one behind the counter, and she’s the one who called Stuart to call him out on their one star yelp review. At this point in the season, Sam Winchester is the defacto leader of the new hunter collective he’s inadvertently assembled by way of rescue hunters from Apocalypse World. She also demonstrates Sam’s usual ‘lore’ skills, figuring out that it’s the keys that the ghost is most likely tied to, and finding a chemical in the morgue to use as an accelerant to help rescue Dean. That’s literally all I’ve got on them two. 

This is random, but the significance of that poster has been bugging me since the live airing of this ep. I do not understand that reference and it’s driving me bonkers, so if anyone does, PLEASE TELL ME. 

🙃 I really hope I don’t have nightmares tonight. That mask on the dummy is fucking horrible. 

[nie7027]

HEAVY SPOILERS AHEAD

Okay, first of all HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME MOGAMI WAS GONNA APPEAR AGAIN? HOW COME IT NEVER CROSSED ANYBODYS MIND TO TALK ABOUT HOW MOGAMI WAS GONNA BE IN THE BATTLE? Jeez, i had to take a break after that! It was too much EVEN MOB WAS SCARED who has the time to care about the super5 when you have to make sure mogami doesnt kill everybody in his path? And he just dissapeared after that??? Just like that? After giving some stern advice to mob? that he took to heart because even after everything that happened how cant he listen to him, at least now he can analyze it and decide how much it would affect him so does Mogami... Im glad he and mob are now on equal terms and they listen to each other even if they are still on opposite philosophies but poor Minegishi...its no wonder he turns to good after that traumatizing experience and it makes me wonder what would have happened if shimazaki was who encountered mogami? Mob and reigen(LOL sorry, i need to stop and laugh at this) were enough to make him stop and give up once he realized the difference in power but he was still his shitty self. If he had encountered BOTH MOB AND MOGAMI aka the two most powerful beings what would he do? He would have stopped but that wouldnt be enough cuz mogami would have seen clearly throught him realize he hasnt changed and decide he doesnt deserve the opportunity and not even mob would have been able to stop him and whether mogami stopped there or continued...that would have been ugly (ven more that it is already) so in hindsight i think it was better that way, besides that way only those who were in the mogami arc saw him and mob could get to keep that little secret from the others (teru and ritsu would be terrified at meeting someone who could subdue mob)

Teru i really love you more with each episode and i was so proud that even shimazaki deemed to take you out first as his main priority. And i loved that this episode showed that not only teru is a good physic but that he is good at actual physical fight and planing a strategy whereas even shimazaki isnt. And that the lab kids really are way better now after your training even havin different techniques.

Ritsu was incredible too! being able to follow terus line of thought and deciphering shimazakis weaknesses, obviously his lack of experience at battling was what handicapped him but he managed better that expect WHICH WAS NOT MUCH YOU SELF SACRIFICING BASTARD if it not were for teru and co appearing you would have been dead (i thought it was gonna be mob saving him after seeing the beating that he took from shimazaki like in 100% hostility )

The 7th division were awesome, they did become stronger and are better at working as a team...and still look up so much to reigen (sorry but shimazakis is right and mob and reigen are founding an organization)

Reigen...you had very few scenes but they were priceless, from your secret techniques that i dearly missed to you susshing ekubo so mob doesnt hear you lied to him. As always the dad (along with ekubo) noticing how determined and changed mob has become(unknowingly to reigen after another interaction with mogami) to the point of being strict to his friends(that wasnt what mogami meant but im glad he decided to take it like that)

Shou...i know you have been working hard but sadly it honestly doesnt look like much compared to your father and it breaks my heart that serizawa stopped mob from interrupting the beating that your father is giving to you ...specially because it does sound like seri cares for you and your growth but still helps your father do this to you ( shous opinio of seri was treated like comedy but i can see the conflicted feelings that will arise)

As you can see im hang up on the mogami thing, it was really unexpected and amazing. His complex relationship with mob is fascinating. Mob trying very hard to listen to his actually wise advice but not letting it poison his heart in the subtle ways only mogami can.

Thats everything so far from this episode, i was gonna make a pd but ill do it once i remember what it was gonna be

Edit: I JUST REMEMBERED the pd was bout noticing how all of the 7th division finally has appeared except for the gravity old man and phyrochinesis guy...so oits official, teru killed that guy

[geekygoddesss]

Story of Us

Part I: How we meet

This is such a bad idea.

“So, let me get this straight” I speak, sitting on the bed while my best friend stood in front of me, looking at me like I was stupid “you meet this guy on tinder-”

“He found me” She Interrupts, correcting what I just said.

“And he invited you for drinks? Just like that?” I finish my sentence, totally letting pass the fact that Abby is being totally annoying tonight and pushing me into this kind of dumb things that could go very wrong so easily.

“Us, it’s a double date, dumbass” She says with a smile, rolling her eyes while walking into the bathroom in a poor attempt of ignoring my attitude.

“It doesn't matter, are you out of your mind? He could be a rapist or something” I argue, following her into the bathroom.”I did not flew all the way from Georgia to get raped by some guy”

This was the kind of things that sometimes made me doubt a lot of things about Abby. One thing I knew for sure is that Abby was in no way stupid and second, she was also not the kind of person that would sign up on a dating app and just date whatever guy appeared in the picture. This situation was weird for me in a lot of ways, starting from the fact that I was almost entirely sure that there must be a reason on why she is trying to set me up with someone I don’t know while setting herself with a random guy at the same time. It was so creepy, Something was up with her and to be completely honest, I don’t even know if I want to know why.  

“He isn't a psycho” she says “plus, he has a friend and he's very single” her eyebrows go up and down, looking at me with a weird look through the mirror.

“How do you know?” I scoff, leaning in the door watching her brush her teeth “You said this guy is an actor? Like a TV one or whatever?” I say, almost just speaking to myself, this was just a crazy and not good idea, I can’t believe we’re even doing this “I don’t know about you but I smell bullshit”

‘I’m telling you, it isnt” she says with a mouth full of foam before rinsing it all off in one quick move “I don’t know, I actually have no idea what he's done, but why are you so surprised? This is LA, every 3 of 10 people does acting” she rolls her eyes, turning to look at me as she spoke “the others are instagram models and tourist”

I scoff, shaking my head at her statement “Then there's me” I say taking a step closer to her “I really don't feel comfortable with this” I mumble.

“It's going to be fun, I promise” she smiles putting her hands on my shoulder and moving me out of the way “from what we talked he seemed pretty fun”

“Huh” I nod, that did not convince me at all.

“And if you think about it, it's a very good and fresh way to start the weekend” she adds, jumping on her bed before yelling out loud “we’re getting laid!”

“Jesus Christ” I groan, this is probably why the neighbors hate us, not my fault at all, but I am sure it’s pretty self- explanatory. “Listen, I am not even sure If I am going to be able to go” I tell her as she jumps off the bed and checks herself out in the mirror, she’s pretty hyper right now. “I have a block” I excuse, even though I wasn’t lying at all.

“You always say that” she says, rolling her eyes.

“Well, I have it and I need it to go away” I say sitting down on the bed as she walked around the room. “Writer’s block is no joke”

“Well I’m helping you here!” Abby exclaims turning to look at me“What better way to get out of a block than making out with a guy you meet in one night?”

“I’m not making out with anyone” I laugh.

“We’ll see” she says, jumping on the bed, right beside me “It’s just one night, C’mon”

I look at her and she looks at me, I analyze all of my options. Maybe there is some kind of way where I can get out of this one and she would let me be, I would have the apartment to myself and I could overcome my block, but one thing was for sure, If that happened she would hate me for a while, she took dates very seriously and although this is the first time she has ever dragged me into a double date with her but I could see in her eyes she was really looking forward for this and it would be really shitty of me to just turn this down.

Do I really have any other option, anyways?.

“What can you tell me about him or his.. friend?” I say finally giving up, there was no way I could get out of this one.

She yells and claps with her hands in pure excitement “Well, they’re visiting so they won’t be staying long” she explains to me before smiling widely and saying  “They’re english”

My eyebrows raise “Oh la la” I joke in a french accent.

“Sono così emozionato” she answers in italian “Whatever, they are here for like a month or whatever and I just told them we would show them around” she smiles and shrugs. she gets up her spot and walks through the room again as if she was done

“That’s all you know?” I ask her, that did took me by surprise, I was hoping she knew at least a little more about this guy.  

“Pretty much” she says, reaching for her makeup bag “besides the fact that I’ve seen his picture and in my book he seems pretty hot for a white boy, so i’m down” She says shortly looking at me but still being to focused on her reflection in the mirror.

“That’s so…-nevermind” I say rolling my eyes. I was going to say something else, but I’d rather shut my mouth than having her fight me for a while “Can I see him?” I ask.

“No!” she laughs, shaking her head.

I chuckle “Oh, c’mon, so now it’s top secret?”

“More like a surprise” she wiggles her eyebrows  “It’s going to be so fun”

“It better be” I point at her and let my body fall on the bed “But if they turn out to be a pair of weirdos or a hot mess of a date, I’m making you pay for it”

“I don’t doubt that” she laughs and turns to look at me “Hurry, we have to be out that door soon” she says, now walking my way and looking at me more in detail “Are you wearing that?”

I look down at my outfit “What’s wrong with this?” I say, pointing down at one of my most fancy shirts and jeans I had on, I didn’t look like a freaking model, but I think I look decent enough.

“Oh honey, you need to learn so much” she laughs and grabs my hand, pulling me out of the bed.

This was already starting to feel like one long night.

                                                           ***

Two and a half hours later, the two of us are sitting at one of the countless tables at the bar, Abby really did a good choice on the place, it was very nice and subtle, not too loud, people weren’t trying to desperately get you drunk to start the night, just a nice place to have a first date in, she really knew what she was doing.  

“Are they here?” I ask her taking a sip of my soda as she looked around the place

“I don’t know, I don’t see them” She says shrugging not taking her eyes from her surroundings.

I shrug “Maybe we gave them wrong directions”

“Honestly, this is the only bar with the name 21 around the area, maybe they're just stuck in traffic” she says as another option of what could be the reason of why they are kind of late. However I don’t care too much how late they are, as long as they actually make it, this is LA, everyone was late for everything.

I stare at her for a long moment before coming to a very strong conclusion, I know understand the meaning of being the ugly friend. I really do. Not that I was completely ugly, but compared to her tonight, I was looking like I should have a little touch of femininity, which is something I had a lack of, most of the time. Her yellow blouse made the perfect contrast with her dark skin while her skinny jeans made her have some killer curves that would for sure make any man crazy for her. I was jealous, I wish I could look as good as her right now.

Her eyes light up when turning to the side, looking straight at the door of the bar, she waves her hand to someone and smiles widely, I guess that’s a good sign.

“Oh my gosh, they’re here, I see them” She says almost mumbling, turning to look at me “Play cool” she warns me, getting up from the table and basically making me do the same as her, as she makes me leave my drink down to stand up.

“I am” I say, standing up right beside her as she looks around, I recognize two guys in between the crowd, I don’t know any of them but they are probably the ones we are supposed to meet since they are clearly the only guys approaching us. “I’d like a heads up, though, who am I looking at?” I say, just making sure I didn’t eventually fuck up.

“Okay, so, blondie tall boy is your date and the brunette is mine” she explains quickly as she smiles at the two guys, who wave at us when they are getting closer and closer “Wave back” she instructs me, I do.

“he’s cute” I whisper to her as they are already too close to probably hear me if I speak normally.

“I know” she smiles to them before whispering “Gosh, I hope they’re not psychos”

She seems too happy to see both these guys here, the moment they reach our table she yells the name of her date and hugs him thigh, as the other guy welcomes me with a hug too, which is pretty much awkward, seeing that I don’t know this guy at all and he is already hugging me, adding the fact that he is quite attractive is somehow overwhelming to me.

“This is (Y/n), my best friend” she introduces me to the other guy as he approaches my way.

“Tom” He says with a lovely smiling and a welcoming hug. It felt weird, really weird. Not only because I just hugged two very attractive men, but also because there was something inside me telling me something about this night, something about tonight felt different, I don’t know what it was or how something could happen, but I could feel it inside of me.

“Harrison” Says the guy I just hugged, smiling towards me as he introduced himself for both of us. I guess he is my date for the night, I can’t say I am mad about it at all. “We didn’t take too long, did we?” he says, almost as an apology. Somehow, I almost seem surprised by the strong english accent coming out of him, I knew they are English, but the accent just seems to suit them perfectly. It was a nice add on.

“Oh no” Abby says waving it off, pretending like we haven’t been waiting here for more than thirty minutes. “We just got here, Sit down, please”  she smiles, walking to my side and sitting on the spot right beside mine, signaling me to sit beside her as the guys took the opposite sit.

“Oh, hold on” Said that Tom guy, before getting on his seat “can we pick some drinks for you, Ladies?” he says, waiting for our response as Harrison gets up too.  

“I’ve got you covered” Abby says, snapping her fingers in the air, in a matter of five seconds one of the many waitresses in the place comes to our table with a tray full of drinks and shots. great. Now, they’ll probably think we’re super rich and powerful or something, which is definitely not the case.

The boys sit back down on their spots and we all pick a drink up, ready to start up the night. Abby looks incredibly happy and before even trying a little bit of her own drink, she raises her cup and says in a cheery and a little bit of an exaggerated tone “For an amazing night”

I see the guys smiling at her and I laugh, this seemed a little bit dramatic in my opinion, but who cares? This was already starting to look like a great night and we might as well take a drink for it.

“Cheers” the rest of us say almost at the same time and all of our cups touch in one smooth move.

I drink, the taste was strong on my tongue but very sweet, I was loving it so much, I just hoped it didn’t make me drunk for the night. I was happy though, the night was still young but this somehow felt right. My best friend is here, we have two handsome gentlemen as our dates for the night, this was just too good to be truth and it felt right, I felt incredible, this is right.

                                                        ***

The night went on faster than expected, it wasn’t over, but it still felt like everything was happening a little too fast for my liking. One moment we were on the bar, laughing at twisted stories and drinking, having a great time and on the blink of an eye we were on the beach, walking right by the ocean and talking about everything and nothing, getting to know each other better and making this night last longer.

At this point, I was really starting to doubt on my ability to talk to a guy at all. Yes, my date was just too nice and sweet, but all of this time I have been just hearing and adding things to all of Abby’s stories, never telling my own or talking a little bit about my life, I was just there to listen to everyone and make some presence, which wasn’t wrong at all, I just would like my date to know I am a little more interesting than that.

However, In a matter of a second, this date took an interesting turn for everyone. We were passing right by the small line of stores placed right by the beach when Abby spotted down some kind of merch about her favourite show, apparently, Harrison was also a big fan, one way or another the conversation they both started was becoming bigger and a deeper than ever, to the point were before any of us could realise they were walking away from us and leaving me and Abby’s date all alone.

Neither of us saying a word while walking alone the sightly crowded street. A very awkward moment I was not ready for, I needed it to end now, before It could be any worse.

“So, actor” I say, being the first one to break the ice, catching his full attention in a second  “How’s it like? Does it freak you out to pretend to be someone else? How useful is it in the real world?” I ask, trying to not sound too annoying or repetitive when making that question. Sometimes I could be a little too specific when making my questions and that’s exactly what I did not want for now.

“Oh, That’s a great, great question” he says with a little smile, I was really hoping I was not making this awkward, I just really needed to start up a conversation. “Well, What can I say? I’ve been on this for a long time and I really love my job” He says “It’s very useful in real life, If you were wondering, you’d be surprised on how helpful it is in certain- situations” he says elaborating a little more “Not that I am using it right now-”

“Huh” I nod, interrupting him mid sentence with a chuckle, I could sense a little freak out on his voice and being completely honest, it was kind of funny. “Good answer”

“Good question” he says back, almost as a compliment.

“I am hoping to go to school soon for that actually” I say as a nice add on, finding it a great fact about me to put on the table  “People say I'm good at making questions”

“I see” He chuckles softly “Is that school here in LA?”

“No, it’s actually in London” I smile proudly. That was something I was very proud about, going to school there would be such a privilege for me, I was really hoping I could get in this school soon.

“That’s amazing” Tom says raising his eyebrows almost as if he was surprised  “It’s a beautiful place, you’re going to love it”

“So I’ve heard” I nod, blushing a little.

We fell into an awkward silence so easily. We walk and walk but none of us say anything at all, now I am almost completely sure that my skills with men are almost null. none existent. Zero.

Step it up, (Y/n), C’mon.

“On the scale of 1 to 100, How famous are you?” I randomly ask, making him look at me with a really strange look “Please feel free to be as precise as you can, I need to tell my mom about it”

“Your mom?” he laughs, His accent now sounding stronger than ever.

“Yeah, she kind of told me I needed to tell her about every celebrity I met here in LA or ever” I chuckle, while telling that little fact my mom always reminded me of “She’s probably a fan” I add “She knows like every human being that does some kind of entertainment, you’d be surprised”

“Hm ok” he says with a nervous chuckle “1 being not famous at all and 100 being a super famous celebrity, Like, the kind that barely are able to breathe because of -y’know - paparazzi and all that” he explains “I would say I am a solid 60” he says, being really confident with his answer.  

“oh, holy shit” I say, not expecting that answer at all “I might have to do my research about you, sir” I scoff “First name Tom, Last name?”

“Holland” he completes in a quick second.

“Alright” I nod with a smile “I might have seen you somewhere around”

He laughs, nodding “Yeah, maybe”

We keep walking in silence, Now being a lot less uncomfortable than a few seconds before. I can hear our friends in front of us, laughing at something we couldn’t hear and I smile, I was glad Abby is having fun, she seems really happy.

“I believe,Your date just ditched you for my date” Tom says, chuckling at his own comment.

“Oh” I say, just actually realizing that really happened, I am now date-less “Yeah, I guess”

He nods “They look happy, though” he mentions and indeed, they do, they look really happy “Good to know this little meeting is having it’s results”

I laugh “I mean, that’s what tinder is for, right?” I say shrugging “It’s making its magic on our friends”

“Yep” he chuckles “I guess” he says in a mumble “It’s kind of funny because It was my idea”

“Was it?” I act surprised, even when it was a very bad impression. “Can’t really say I am not surprise, why would someone like you use Tinder?” I ask with all honesty. I don’t really get why would any of this guys use the app when being that attractive and apparently famous. In my head that made no sense.

“I don’t know” He says with a small shrug “I like meeting new people, you know?” he says “but also, the fact that I’ve never had a real date in years is playing a big role right now”

“No way” I say with a frown as I stop in track "you can't be serious" "I am" he shrugs, stopping right beside me "not a single date in at least, two or three years" "Wow" I say in real surprise, now that was something odd to hear. I really don't get why someone like him doesn't get a date with anyone, I mean, he wasn't bad at all, in fact, he was really, really attractive. I do understand why Abby was so eager to come to this date, but now that she moved on to be with his friend instead of him, I am not even sure if I am a good replacement at all. I am not Abby or at least as attractive as Abby, but I will do my best to make him feel like I'm worth his time. I'll just be myself and whatever happens, happens. "Well, I am on the same boat as you are" I chuckle looking down "I've never really been on a real date before" I say shrugging "I have a special power to keep males away from me" I joke with a small chuckle “What’s your specialty?” “Probably being awkward” he laughs and shakes his head "It's ridiculous, you won't believe the amount of times I've turned normal situations into the weirdest thing ever" "No way, honestly, are you that awkward?" I say, really doubting if I should or should not believe him. "Again, you'd be surprised" he says with a chuckle.

Surprisingly from this point, the conversation went on pretty well. One way or another, we ended up walking along the end of the sidewalk in a good but slow motion until we reached the very end, both of us telling stories about our life and getting to know at least a snip of each other’s life before this came to an end, because somehow right now it was starting to feel like the climax of the night and I didn’t know how to feel about it yet.

I leaned against the wall behind me as Tom narrated one of his “best” stories to me, not that it wasn’t a good story, it was actually really good, but to be honest, he seemed to have such an interesting life, I kind of doubted this was really one of his best stories. It was too funny anyways.

"Once, I showed up on a costume party that was apparently not a costume party, I showed up wearing a Lycra suit and everyone thought I was crazy"  He says as he tries to top my last history with his. We’ve been having this competition for a while on who has the most embarrassing moment, I don’t know who is winning, but this is just too fun I could go on forever. "What?" I laughed shaking my head “No way” "The most awkward moment of my life" he says laughing with me, giving me more details about the story as I kept laughing. "Oh shoot" I say shaking my head while laughing "ok I guess I'll have to compete with that" I breath, trying to remember any of my many stories to top that one "the day I had my first kiss, burped right in front of the guy" I said and my cheeks instantly went red "not my fault, by the way" "How did that happen?" he says breaking into a laugh. "Well, i guess it'd be totally unnecessary to explain how a burp happens" I say rolling my eyes "but in my defense, Before that I had some Starbucks so That explains pretty much everything"

“Oh god” he says still laughing and shaking his head at the visual of that moment “I’m winning though”

“Are you?” I raise and eyebrow at his statement “Are you proud?” I ask.

he smiles at me and shrugs, I could see it in his eyes, he was proud of winning our dumb competition, that was something odd, but honestly, I was glad he won, at least I know he has handfuls of good stories to tell. "Guys" Abby’s voice calls for us, interrupting our little moment and stepping into our conversation just like so. We both turn to her waiting for what she has to say, she looks at us with a smile before making her little announcement "Uh, so, I think Harrison and I will be on our way back" "Oh, already?" I ask, pouting a little, it kind of felt a little soon to end the night, but there’s not much I could do about it "well, I guess we'll be right behind you" I say looking at Tom for a second, who just nods in response. “Is it my turn to call the uber?” I ask her but before I could say anything else she stops me. “Actually, I think we’ll take a long way” She says, throwing me this look that tells me pretty much everything. She wants alone time with him. “Oh, it’s okay, I’ll just- I’ll take an uber” I say nodding, totally understanding that my main goal right now is just to disappear for them to have some alone time I later on expected to hear about. “I’ll go with her” Tom says, stepping into my side “I’ll walk from there” he says to his friend, nodding at him that he will be just fine. “Good” Abby cheers, giving a little jump on her feet as she walks up to Tom and gives him a big hug “This was so much fun, thanks for coming” she says as she separates from the hug to then Hug me “I’ll see you later” she whispers on my ear “Good luck” “Yeah, yeah” I say chuckling and rolling my eyes as I hugged her back.

She walked back winking at me as she reached Harrison side, she grabbed his hand and pulled him on the sidewalk so they could start walking now.

“Bye mate” He waves to Tom as they walk away from us.

“Later” he says waving back to them.

Again, as we watch them walk away to the “long way”, we fall into a weird silence that surprisingly doesn't feel like an uncomfortable one at all. We turn to look at each other and smile awkwardly, basically reading each other’s mind, asking us what to do next since both of our friends just left without us. Maybe we would really walk me home, or maybe it was just an excuse and this is where we part ways. I hoped not, to be honest, I was having fun tonight.

“So” he says, starting off a new conversation “Let me be honest with you, I don’t think I want to take a cab”

I chuckle and nod in agreement “Me neither” I shrug as a quick response “Lucky us, I know a short cut, we don’t need to take a cab” I say with a smile.

“Really?” he says in fake surprise, I already told him I’ve been living here for at least six months, he knows I know a shortcut.

“This one is special, though” I smile, adding some mystery to my voice. “I don’t think you’re ready”

“Am I not?” He raises an eyebrow in surprise “Wow”

“Yeah” I shrug “You clearly aren’t, but, I’ll make an exception” I say, grabbing his hand and walking to the opposite side where our friends left “Just because you’re famous”

He laughs and leads his free hand to his chest “I am so honored”

“Oh, you should be” I say shooting him a smile “Because I am about to enlighten your night”

                                                          ***

“How do you feel?” I ask as we step into the front door of my building.

I held a little cup in my hand with Ice cream inside and I balance it out in a single hand as I tried to find my keys so we could get In for a little while before he had to leave. This has been great, I don’t think I have ever had such a great conversation with someone until tonight, we talked, we laughed and before we could notice we were in front my favourite Ice cream shop in the world, that happened to be just a block before my building, I always will feel grateful for that.

“I don’t think I am” he says as he takes another taste of his ice cream “This is such a game changer, Who the hell thought about making Rum with caramel cake? this is amazing” he says with true excitement as we enter the building.

“I know right?”  I chuckle, taking a bite of my ice cream “It’s my favorite place ever, we don’t have those in Atlanta”

“Well, that sucks because this is amazing” he says chuckling, still with a mouth full of Ice cream.

We take the stairs up and we talk as we reach my floor, which happens to be about six floors up. He seems happy and I appreciate it, I had a feeling he would like this little extra I just added to this night and I am glad my feeling didn’t fail me.

“How long have you lived in LA, again?” he asks as we walk down the hallway.

I sigh and think about my answer, it was kind of difficult to remember for some reason “Six months, maybe seven” I shrug “I won’t stay here for a while, Abby is the one living here, I just make her some company”

He nods “That’s nice of you” he says “So you’re moving to London?”

I laugh as we get to my door and I stop right in front of it “Nothing is really 100% sure, yet, I’m still waiting for my acceptance”

“Right” He nods, and we stop talking.

He looks around the hallway, almost as he was checking everything out, but on the other side, I am just putting my ear against the door, just making a quick check to make sure that there are not any disturbing noises inside that warn me to not come in, but thank god, I don’t think Abby is home yet, so I guess I have a couple of hours for myself.

“You know what? You’re kind of cool” He says out of the blue, really taking me by surprise. I turn around and even when he kind of took me by surprise, I am really trying to not look like an idiot “You are kind of cool too” I say with a sincere smile. “Maybe we should- you know- keep in touch” He says with a bit of nervousness in his voice  “just saying, You showed me around tonight, maybe I could do the same for you while you’re at London, it’d be better than asking a stranger to do it, right?” he chuckles “I mean, we’re already strangers but you know what I mean” “Are you asking me for my number?” I raise an eyebrow and smile to him a little. I could feel he was nervous, maybe a smile would remind him to take a breath and calm down. “Yeah, basically” he nods awkwardly.

I smile and nod softly. He hands me his phone over to me and I write my own contact name on his list, I make sure to put every number in the right place, just to avoid any possible accident that could happen.

When I hand him his phone back, he smiles widely to me. I know, I am glad that we are keeping contact in a way.

“Want to come in?” I offer, while I put my key through the lock.

“Oh, no, thank you, I have a thing tomorrow, I should probably go” “Thanks for the ice cream though”

“You paid” I chuckle.

“You found it” he says back

I smile and laughs softly, letting out very old school “Touche” before opening up the door.

When I step inside just a little, I already can see him from the corner of my eyes, turning around to walk away, looking down at his phone that still had my contact showing on the screen, full display. “Tom” I call his name, he turns around in my direction. “Yeah?” he says with a soft smile. “I had fun tonight” I smile at him, letting my body hide behind my door. “I did too” he says with a small nod as he took steps back “I’ll text you later” “Good night” I wave my hand at him as I watch him walk away.

“Bye” He says winking an eye at me and disappearing on the stairs right around the corner.

For some reason, it takes me some time to get myself moving from the front door to my actual room. It’s weird how everything started with being a really random double date to coming over and meet a guy who would connect so well with me. Whatever this was, it was weird and I had no idea how this was supposed to work from now on.

Maybe it was not going to end in something, by any means, but maybe it would. However, something inside of me told me this time something was up and I had no idea what, whatever it is, I just hoped it is good.

I jump on my bed and close my eyes, after a while of walking around the city I was already starting to feel a little tired of it. My eyelids were already feeling heavy from the moment my head touched the pillow and without caring one single bit what I was wearing, I went ahead and tugged myself in bed, ready to call it a night.

The moment I close my eyes is when I feel my phone buzzing. It had to be a text from Abby, but surprisingly, it wasn’t.

Just checking it :) I’m omw to the hotel, hope it’s not a fake number

You bet I am, tinder boy

Good to know :)

So how well do you know the city? Hope you don’t mind showing me around  

Call me when you’re free :)

Now, I definitely had a feeling this was going to be unique.

[busyorc-blog]

Truth about Gamers mindset on Women's Issues.

So as you all know this has been a contentious issue for some time. Even now people keep posting "controversy" click bait articles on why video games are sexist and misleading articles.

Why are Gamers so hostile to female gamers or gamer girls?

Well its quite simple and its the typical gamer is extremely competitive.

Competition fuels our desires of being legitimized by our fellow men and women.

"But busyorc there are specific things male gamers say hurtful sexist things to women." This is true, but it is not used for the sake of demeaning women for their sex and gender, its a tool to make the female player make a mistake. Is it ok to do? No, but the real reason behind the verbal attacks is because of toxic competition.

So ladies, if a gamer tells you to go the kitchen and make you a sandwich reply with "I must be doing pretty well if you need me to put down my controler." Gamers ARE OVER COMPETITIVE!

Now many of you might say this just enables more bad behavior but to put it bluntly it could be and it is worse already and I jave yet seen a real solution for stopping it. If anything, this sense of competitive overtones comes with the territory.

Now the argument of misogyny is true but only a small minority that actually hate women. These are the bad apples mixed with a whole lot of good and inbetween personal moral codes.

However those who complain about misogyny in games use half truths and bais focus groups to make their point and some are simply over reacting. SOME are. There are legit concerns in gaming that need to be addressed, but they are not as wide spread as some has sought to believe.

Personally I think women feel left out and I can understand this because they didnt really get an invite in the first place. This is due to the fact gamers focusing so much on games and their own past bitterness of being social rejects for enjoying this hobby in the first place.

Take that bitterness and then put that angst into the game you are playing. The game makes gamers feel accomplished when won in contrast where they failed in real life. This is common for many gamers out there and to their reasoning is the argument of the resentment towards women in general but this is only a handful of gamers as I just mentioned earlier they are not the majority.

The real answer is that there is no real hatred for women in general, but there is real hatred towards those women who choose to use gaming for gaining popularity.

The dreaded Gamer Girl!

This was an attempt to weakly associate with video games for popularity and profit which was quickly rejected by the gaming masses. There was swift and heavy backlash that started this whole problem in the first place.

In actuality if you are a girl and you play games, you are already a gamer. There were many girls who played games before this whole issue began. Having pride in being a gamer and a girl is great but when its used to get attention in the first place the argument falls flat. This was figured out by many intelligent young women but got lost by association in the battle of the genders.

When you use your gender to state who you are in this gaming society, it proves you are more interested in recieving a positive label than playing the game and earning one through practice and skill. This is how some gamers view this as one of the key reasons of their resentment. Double standards are all over the place and both specific sides are accusing eachother for its unfair practices. But lets focus on this issue right here.

Now how does this connect to my main point, well its obvious to me and you, that certain gamer girls expected perks to being a girl among boys but got the opposite. That said its a smack in the face to their competitive nature and in a gaming world where your skill and knowledge and hard work isn't affected by what gender you have or what social structure you lived in.

If you have hands then you are already on equal footing as any gamer.

Some women within the feminist 3rd wave movement will contest it does matter as to which I strongly disagree.

When the fact what content you are playing with in the end its all 1s and 0s. However these women are right that it plays to tropes that we are accustomed to, but to that I say "so what." Tropes are entertaining and because one group doesnt find it entertaining anymore doesnt mean that its a legitimate reason to stop. You can say its harmful to society but lets face facts, its entertainment, designed to take our minds off of society and relax. To blame entertainment for its influence is rediculous and shows a lack of self control and a major loose grasp of reality and poor parenting. Parent's job is to teach a child whats important and what isnt, and the content to which entertainment intention is to entertain not warp our actual sense of reality.

But I have gone off point. It comes down to toxic competition; gamers are being scrutinized for their own backlash from pretenders and are already very tense from competing and are bound to explode over defensively.

Toxic Competition isnt just in video games but everywhere in sports and events that are centered around one group fighting for supremacy over the other.

Its gotten so bad it bled into our politics and caused riots.

To me it was obvious that the problem was toxic competition but the loud minority wants to put the blame on a deeper issue to which I have said isnt the actual problem.

The problem is Toxic Competition. Competitors are even taught to goad their opponent to mess up. Sexist and racist comments are simply a tool rather than a motivator. This doesnt excuse bad behavior but its the cause of it. You can look at a guy and say that if he loses to a girl he is then emasculated, when infact it all comes down to being defeated. T

My point is we often look for more controversial issues for bad behavior, when its simply being too competitive.

It would be nice for Gamers to calm down and be civil, and it would be nice that female developers to make what they want without critism, but the solutions people are coming up with adress complex issues to which doesnt focus on the real problem which is competitive behavior. We live in reality to where the internet exists, and when you put yourself out there you will be seen and judged harshly. So you cant expect constructive critism when it could from anyone and anywhere.

We need to look at the real issue here, not misogyny, not sexism, but toxic competition.

The solution we have isnt a perfect one but I think can still work if you have strength in yourself. Thay solution is sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Learn to ignore obvious negative remarks and insults, and ALWAYS be a good sport. Dont gloat when you win and dont explode when you lose.

Its really hard to do but like excersize it doesnt work unless you keep doing it.

You green buddy

BUSYORC

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

[lucidpantone]

Thank you for posting that reply from wtfock. I wrote a message to the Druck team when Amira‘s pov suddenly ended and asked if we get any more clips from HER season. The reply was „yes please wait and see“, clearly trying to give me hope that it would happen. I understand now that they had no choice but to answer in this way and I think that’s what the wtfock team is doing as well. Season 4 main won’t change, they’re simply asking to keep watching.

I want those who are not poc to see how many anons I get about this topic in the course of a day (People are still very hurt and they need a safe space to express themselves without being told to stop complaining or to get over it).

Anon: I'm sorry but this response reads like some lame excuse. She still white and nothing will change this decision wtfock made. (talking about wtfock statement about the s4 main)

Anon: I cant actually believe wtfock took a POC main and traded them for a white girl, especially in the current climate. Why. Can’t. They. Do. Better.

Anon: If this ends up being rich white girl and poor black boy and she ends up learning about privilege and racism from him being her love interest...I hate it.

Anon: The fact that they knew they were gonna get hate for it and therefore knew it was the wrong choice and yet they still did it is so disappointing. I know that people don’t like negativity but they deserve to be called out about it repeatedly.

Anon: It's kind of amazing that they really did have the chance to do something amazing and relevant to what's going on right now and they just...didn't.

Anon: I really hope this original season is better than Skam France ones!! 😅🤷‍♀️

Firstly anon thank you for sharing your previous production experience concerning Druck I am still pissed about that. So the muslim’s girl’s story that focused on religion, self-enlightment and your relationship to god in modern day society was the one to get cut short but everyone else’s got their full run?!?!?! I hate it. Also Druck better give me some diversity in s6 (because dont think am not judging them either because I am) am coming for them too. I did see some east-asian characters in the trailer so FINALLY! Lately I find myself being very frank with my mutuals who are white and saying if this season is about white privilege why do you feel its so important for the continued education of white people even after months of BLM. At this point I expect if you lack education on racism you would have engaged with some materials concerning racism all over the web and your respective communities. Why do people of color need to continue educating you??? and if their response is well not everyone gets it. Ok so if you see troublesome behavior in your white community find a way to use your platforms to continue ongoing education and programs in those communities. Step to the side for those poc who have been telling you they need the opportunity to speak. You have had enough of the spotlight can you please give someone else the opportunity to shine. The wtfock thing is getting more and more peculiar as time goes on because this season is obviously written to really explore Moyo but its about Kato but its also not because you could distribute her topics across the boy and girl squad and it’d be the same thing. Or get a poc influencer and give the white privilege trope to Jens because that boy is obviously clueless atm. I also see people saying well Moyo is blocked. Guys no one knows that for a fact. NOBODY!!!! We can assume all day but Rutgers is yet to say anything so people need to stop pushing either narrative of he def is/and he def isnt. Unless you got Rutgers on speed dial stop pushing either way because we do not know that and its going to be ugly if people our here saying he is blocked and it turns out he isnt. Stop with the Fake News. Nobody knows but wtfock themselves. As I said before the vibe this season is so odd because its like an uncommitted moyo season but then it isnt, but it is, and if we do get his pov in clips am just gonna sit here and be like why?!?!? This doesnt make sense anymore why wasnt he just the damn main you spend most of your time with him on screen anyways (thats the only reason am hopeful he is blocked but who knows...).

[shametheshadow]

Okay so I finally finished Ready Player One. Got a little eh in the middle with the romance and sometimes a little too openly expositiony with some things but I otherwise loved it. I can definitely see why it's been considered the nerd bible. Between the references, the action packed and imaginative scenes, the subtle pushes at the darker sides of nerd culture (enough to make you feel a little uncomfortable but not open enough to feel like you -a nerd- were being lectured), and the inclusiveness that didnt feel forced... It definitely made for a good read. It's an old book by now but spoiler if you want to read it still. I cant use the read more on my phone so here's just a warning. You had an abysmally poor fat kid as the protagonist (even when he gets fit he still becomes bald and eyebrowless), a curvy "rubenesque" gal with a large birth mark on her face who word vomits when anxious, an african american lesbian who also rocks her curves using a caucasian male avatar, and two japanese otakus who have never met irl but are considered brothers in the OASIS. Like... I know I'm one of the biggest skeptics when it comes to so-called diversity in media, but this book does it right. It slips it in there and doesnt make a huge deal about anything. It doesnt hold up this huge sign that shouts "HEY! Look at our african american character and our female love interest who needs no man!" it just lets the story happen and the characters do their thing so you can judge them on their own merit and personality. Besides Wade, you dont even know the identities of the other four of the High Five till near the end. It perfectly uses the anonymity of the internet to it's greatest advantage. And on a last note of diversity, the two god like beings of the book Ogden and Halliday are examples of how introversion and extroversion are required to make great things... And Halliday, creator of this entire virtual world, is even believed to be on the autism spectrum. And as I said before, at no point do you feel like you are being lectured to go outside and play or that someone is telling you that your interests are wrong. Instead it speaks as a voice of experience, showing you an outsider perspective on the lives of unhealthy nerd culture in ways like Wade eventually only ever wearing two haptic suits that he wears in rotation and shaving off all of his body hair... Or the "missing million" where the hikikomori epidemic in Japan is driven to the extreme. It gives the main character the wealth and power to do whatever they want just for the very uber nerd Wade idolized to give a gentle reminder in his last message that reality matters more than escapism in something that isnt real. Then there are the references. 80's and even some late 70's, there was so much crammed into every page that I, as a 90's child, could not hope to understand every one even with my love for older media. But that's okay. At no point did I feel lost. Instead I felt... A lot of Wade did I think. There is a reverence for the 80's. For Wade it was because the 80's came to represent his entire life, everything that his hopes, dreams, and fantasies were built on because Halliday was an 80's kid who built the OASIS and filled it with an easter egg hunt dripping in nostalgia. For me, it's similar. The 80's was the basis for everything I loved in the 90's. From the music to the fashion to gaming, and most of our greatest nerdy pop culture icons wouldnt have existed without the groundwork being laid in the late 70's and 80's. 90's kids are marked as some of the first with widespread access to computers and the internet at childhood, but what would that be without the creation of games like pacman or programming prodigies like Wozniak. It wasnt something I considered much before, but it definitely made me feel something to read a book all about the 80's. Not exactly nostalgia but kind of parallel to it. I feel like the 80's is often overshadowed by the 90's. So yeah... This book is awesome. I really enjoy the Steve Jobs/Wozniak duo of Ogden and Halliday. I think it showed off the positives of their very different characters very well. I loved to hate the Sixxers. I loved all of the High Five (I do wish we got more of the Daisho guys though. The part where Daito was actually murdered had me going "Oh shit" outloud) especially Aech whose name I really like. I did want a little bit of payback to Ir0k and I wanted to know more of what happened afterwards, but overall I'd say that by the end I was pretty happy. I did make the mistake of purchasing the movie and watching that though... It made me a mixture of sad, upset, and disappointed. You would think with Spielberg behind the wheel it would nail all of the right buttons but it... It just doesnt. Like... What was up with the bug eyed, elfish avatars? Except for Aech, most of the high five are just more idealized versions of themselves. Totally human with some of their less personally desired traits. But then like Aech... Wth... You took an average white dude with a cheshire smile and turned him into a hulking grey beast. Totally lessens the impact when discovering that he is a black woman by already having her avatar be to unrealistic. And why is Art3mis's avatar given a more athletic gymnast build? One of the body types that Wade states in the book is commonly used by most people, which is why her more curvy figure is unique and interesting. Her entire avatar is supposed to be more realistic to herself, something that captures his attention from the beginning. He can imagine it's what she looks like because she doesnt hide those features like most everyone does. The only thing she really changes is her birthmark. And do we really need to give her one of the best moments Wade has in the book just to make it seem like she has more power in the narrative? Art3mis is great because at no point does she really need Wade's help or rescue until the very end when the gate requires 3 people. She figures out the first key by herself first and is just unlucky enough to not be skilled at one particular game in a million. Even without Wade's suggestion at switching to play the other side, she would have won eventually. She was clever enough to realize that she could have two plays by waiting till midnight and was practicing in every spare moment. And even after she and Wade start seeing one another, it is Wade who is infatuated beyond reason and her who tries to keep her head in the game and feet grounded in reality. She finds and obtains the second key without any help at all. It was Art3mis who knows everything about Tempest, one of the final hurdles Wade needs to overcome, including the bug that gives you 40 extra lives when Wade starts with only one (and he eats through the extras fast). She doesnt need help to be an awesome female character. Wade has skills, I wont take that from him, but he gets by mostly on a lack of self preservation, paranoia, and luck ex machina. If it werent for him getting the second clue wrong and going to the entirely wrong planet, then wandering a different direction out and stumbling upon an arcade machine that nobody has ever found before (despite claiming that the world was picked over by every Gunter ever) and then utilizing his skills in pacman to win a mysterious quarter that just so happens to grant him an extra life after everyone else is vaporized in the final battle just outside the third gate... He never would have won. In that entire scenario his skill is utilized once. Arguably his skills only really come into play during the actual challenges for the keys and the gates. Every other moment actually focused on is mostly him stumbling around either as a paranoid mess or obsessive and depressed. Even with the first key, it's only by chance that during his Latin class he selectively hears the right words to set his brain into motion that takes him from Schoolhouse Rock to D&D to omg the key is hidden on the same planet that has every school! Granted he put in the time to compile all the experience and knowledge needed to connect those dots, but it was still luck that laid the dots out to be connected. I think I've ranted enough though. Originally this was going to most be, "Man, I loved this book!" and "Boy, I hated the movie..." but it got away from me as it usually does.

[llonelywater]

i have never once made the mistake of equating other people’s tolerance and kindness to my competence. like i am 99.9% sure the only reason why i didnt get cut off halfway/ grilled during my morning round presentation was bc the dr was too nice and polite and not bc of any faultlessness on my part (within reasonable limits i guess i.e. tolerating my incompetence insofar as it doesnt impede patient care) i guess what im trying to say is that there’s always some way to improve lol. even if it isn’t spelt out neatly for you. you just gotta go dig it out and figure things out yourself........

i am so tired. actually i dont really know what is the point of rehashing the same point over and over again because it doesnt actually help mitigate any of the tiredness or make me any more effective or efficient or a better human being in any way. maybe it’s just cathartic to just empty every burdensome thought into this abyss of a tumblr lol, since this is the closest thing to screaming down a bottomless cliff

anyway was just trying to figure out why the hell i was so tired... like im considerably more tired than i was in GS and that was when work started at 6AM every morning. i guess paeds demands a sort of meticulousness that adult medicine doesnt. or maybe it’s just the sheer lunacy bc we are trying to cram 8 weeks’ worth of information into 3 (or, in my case, 2)... and it’s partly circumstantial?? i dunno. but ya very tired and very stressed 

i must STOP mulling over depressing cases. seriously it’s a very inefficient way to spend my time and energy and, frankly, almost gratuitous. im not the one who’s bleeding into my joints and muscles every other week because im too poor to replenish my factors, so what right do i have to even feel sad about it. idk man

anw been thinking about the same few kids over the past week... mostly the cases i saw back in my electives. but OKAY like i said. no more self-righteous self-deluded gratuitous ruminating. here’s a random productive thought:

i think we often say things without actually processing them or translating them into action; or at least i do. was just thinking about the boy with MSSA again... in retrospect he wouldve been a textbook case of ‘toxic looking child’. when i get asked questions about physical examination i begin every other response with ‘i would like to obtain a set of vitals blah blah blah start with general inspection to see if he is alert or toxic looking blah blah blah’. i rmb talking to his mum for 30 mins and then asking a nurse to serve a stat dose of paracet cos he was shivering so badly. at no point did the term ‘toxic looking’ cross my mind, and he was shivering so badly and so weak we had to hold him up to do a proper joint exam on him. totally didnt realise how sick he was until 7 hours later when he got escalated to HD then ICU. up till now i still dont know whether to blame it on my poor skills of observation (which is my fault) or a general lack of clinical acumen (which isnt.) altho IN CONCLUSION what i mean to say is that 1. i need to really mean things when i say them and LOOK properly before releasing the deluge of verbal diarrhoea 2. must always have high index of suspicion when adolescents decompensate cos they have such good reserves. useful and important tips!!!!! it’s so much more productive and useful to arrive at such conclusions and put them into practice rather than spend another 1h feeling shitty about the guy and wondering where the heck he is now, if he’s even still alive. fug.