#I kept repeating myself JUST GET TO THE DAMN POINT lmao

[suchine-toki]

Hey can i ask u something? I just finished rereading gintama again and read the final chapter, and kinda stumbled to ur blog. Do you think in the end Takasugi kind of ressuracted, reincarnated, or not? It's really bothering me since he is my fav character and besides lackness that i felt towards his story, his 'death' chapter was delivered... so great, and i dont think ressuraction was needed:( isnt that mean he becomes immortal, again?

Hello! Thank you very much for your question. Sorry for the late reply, I didn't see your message because I was on hiatus due to the end of Gintama lmao

I consider the death scene very beautiful, and it shows that there was a lot of love behind it. In fact, Sorachi himself admitted that he cried while he was drawing it (didn't we all?). However, I think when Takasugi's death is judged only by the scene itself and not also by the context, you miss the forest for the trees. (I previously talked about his death in this post.)

Other people and I have discussed the ending as such, so I’ll now address the circumstances surrounding the end of Gintama before delving into Takasugi’s possible resurrection. I'll try to analyze what happened from other angles, including information both inside and outside of the series, like the fanbook released some time ago.

The prolongued ending

Damn Manabe you could've done a better job. And I blame you for all the Utsuro crap, even if it wasn't your idea, you should've stopped it!

Weekly Shōnen Jump, where Gintama was published, has a system in which it’s announced half a year in advance when a series is about to end, to give it a conclusion in that time. Nevertheless, Sorachi exceeded this deadline, and for three years was unable to finish the series. Faced with this, they moved it to Jump Giga, where he would’ve three extra chapters with more pages and more time as it was a monthly publication. But once again he was unable to finish it and ended up concluding it through the Gintama App.

Even though at the time we all laughed at it, in hindsight the series did suffer from this. Especially if we consider that Sorachi's intention was to defeat Utsuro in Weekly Shōnen Jump and then use the other magazine just to have an epilogue. Even in the last chapter uploaded to the application they made him cut four pages. This denotes that it was a turbulent period, and the end was extremely hasty.

I think what happened in the end was Sorachi's attempt to squeeze ideas into a short amount of time. Takasugi and Zura weren’t present to defeat Utsuro, despite foreshadowing it. Thus, because he didn’t pay enough attention to the relationship between the members of the Shouka Sonjuku, the second part of Silver Soul arc emerged, in which Utsuro/Shouyo was revived and there was a greater focus on the connection between Takasugi and Gintoki. I explain this to emphasize that there wasn’t enough planning to properly develop and conclude what happened to Takasugi.

Takasugi's fate

The last page of the manga referring to what happened to Takasugi strongly suggests that he revived, due to the presence of a newborn baby in one of the dragon holes (places where altana veins sprout), along with dialogue from Sakamoto expressing, essentially, the high probability that Shouyo intervened to save him from death when his corpse was sucked into the terminal’s altana.

However, in the fanbook, a page is dedicated to what happened to Takasugi. Sorachi is frank, revealing he intentionally left it vague to avoid giving a clear answer that might disappoint fans. Also, once again he alludes to the fact that he didn't have more pages to delve into what happened, so he opted to just put more jokes, thinking that was enough.

In said fanbook, Sorachi chats with his former editors about various topics, including Takasugi's death, which he repeatedly avoids talking about. He says it's weird having to explain everything. Nonetheless, the others insist with questions. Among the most important things to salvage, he clarifies Takasugi’d already been sort of dead when he lost Shouyo, and he was just looking for a way to die. He also indicates he doesn't consider that Takasugi needed to be saved because he already was. Instead, he was going for the image of saving the Kiheitai beyond whether or not the baby was Takasugi. This gives me the impression that Sorachi didn’t actually plan to revive him.

I fundamentally disagree with the above point of view. Although I'm not a fan of resurrections, I think his rebirth would make sense, given that it's an element already introduced in the series. Also, I believe it's necessary because it didn't make sense to kill him in the first place, both for consistency on a character level and on a series level.

Now, regarding his possible immortality, I really wish he isn’t. Since it was never explained how that or the altana worked, I can't say for sure. But, considering the dialogue of the master protecting his disciples, it wouldn’t be logical for Shouyo to sentence Takasugi to live an immortal life. What would make the most sense is for Takasugi to live in a normal body with his own memories, experiencing both suffering and happiness, just like everyone else.

Regarding his growth as a normal human or abnormally by the altana, it’s even more difficult to discern. I think if he kept his memories, it would make sense for him to grow at an accelerated rate just like Shouyo, until the altana runs out at some point.

Deliverance from sin?

Goddammit Manabe it's all your fault!

Since the concept is used on several occasions, I would like to comment on what is meant by “salvation”, a term closely related to religious beliefs. The perspective I’ll take in this part is that of Shinto and Buddhism, the predominant and deeply connected religions of Japan.

In both cases, the most common path after death is reincarnation. In Shinto, the concept of salvation is based upon the belief that all living things have an essence, soul, or spirit known as kami. This lives among us rather than in Heaven or Hell. Buddhists believe in reincarnation after death, known as rebirth. Depending on the actions a person has done during their life (karma), they’re more or less likely to be reborn as a lower or higher being. If one has a multitude of good actions, one is likely to be reborn as a human.

In Buddhism, anyone who understands Buddha's teachings can attain salvation. This includes the understanding that since suffering is a part of life, one must find ways to overcome it. In this regard, I don’t consider that Takasugi has been “saved” in the more traditional sense of the word, quite the contrary. As referenced, the true way to find salvation isn’t to die to stop suffering, but to continue living despite it, as Gintoki has shown.

From now on

Sorachi explains he’s aware that the people who liked Takasugi aren’t as happy with how he ended up, and hints he knows the ending could’ve been better. This, coupled with the fact that he's been inactive for so long after Gintama ended (despite declaring his intentions to start another series) makes me think there might be more Gintama content in the future.

Could it be wishful thinking? Absolutely. But it’s true that Sorachi is interested in making money, and what better than to return to his star series with a question that interests many fans? Maybe it's something he didn't plan on doing. Do I take it? Without a second thought.

The next Gintama festival will take place on March 19, 2023. Perhaps nothing will happen. But hope is the last thing that dies. Being a successful franchise, I think it's very likely that in the near or distant future they’ll release more material showing what happened to Takasugi.

TL;DR: I think it would be more consistent with the character and the series for him to be resurrected, keeping his memories, possibly growth-accelerated by the altana until it finally fades from his body. This would allow him to keep a mortal body. But no one can say for sure what will happen.

[katanablue]

Hey pookie birthday coming up for me so yknow I decided imma treat myself to an ask

Bay raph but with like a tough love typa partner, yknow like ya need comfort?

“YOUR A BITCH BOY IF YA THINK YOU ARE ANYTHING LESS THAN PERFECT AND YOU CAN FUCK YOURSELF IF YOU SAY ONE MORE BAD THING I SWEAR TO GOD”

Cause yknow teehee, gotta love aggressively loving someone

LMFAOOO YESSS I LOVE THIS

It’s short but I kept making myself laugh with this lmao

“Baby—“

“No, Raph! I’m not gonna sit here and listen to you spout this absolute bullshit.”

Your mutant boyfriend rolls his eyes hard, groaning low in his throat and crossing his arms over his chest.

It was just a little joke.

“All I said was—“

You point your finger at him and shake your head, stalking closer until you’re chest to chest. He has to hold back his smirk, looking down at your form as you try to size him up and be intimidating.

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” You emphasis the end of your statement with a hard poke to his plastron. He feigns a scowl at you and takes your finger in between his, gently gripping it and bringing it to his lips for a kiss.

“What? That I’m a hideous ugly bea—“

He doesn’t even finish getting the word out before you push him harshly back onto his shell, making him land on his shell. You straddle his waist and curl your hands as best as you can around his shoulders. He fights the urge to bark out a laugh when you attempt to shake him, your body swaying back and forth, doing little to practically nothing to actually move him.

“Listen you giant meathead! You are beautiful and perfect and amazing and strong so I’ll be damned if I sit here and listen to you berate yourself! Do you fucking hear me??” You keep doing your best to shake him and Raph can only smirk up at you. He opens his mouth to say something but you silence him with a finger to his lips and a dark gleam in your eye.

“Do. You. Hear. Me?” You repeat, your voice going low and borderline menacing.

He can’t deny that seeing you so aggressive with him is very hot.

“Loud and clear, baby,” He grins against your finger, placing his hands on your hips and giving a gentle squeeze.

You give a single nod and remove your hand, letting yourself smile and start to lean down for a kiss.

“But it’s true—“

“Raphael!”

[magma-queen]

I got into a crazy writing mood after writing that fix yesterday, so here’s some Hardenshipping fluff that no one asked for! 🤣 Enjoy! This was inspired by the brilliant @ticklepinions

“Maaaaaaaax..” Archie groaned, collapsing on their bed, head first. “Maaaaax…”

“Oh, for the love of God, Archie..” Maxie sat up, whacking him on his back with his book. “I am RIGHT HERE. What is it that you need?”

“Ubbles.” He said, muffled from laying against the mattress and covers.

“Uh, one more time?”

Archie twisted himself around and laid on his back, reaching his hand out to his husband.

“Cuddles. Now.”

Maxie smirked at him. “Well, why didn’t you just say so, then?” He scooted himself over to his side of the bed. “Come here, you big softy.”

Excitedly, he hopped over next to him and practically melted, enjoying his husband’s attention and loving touch. He laid his head in his lap.

“What the hell has gotten into you tonight? I’m used to you being all cuddly, but not THIS cuddly.” He blushed. “N-not that I’m complaining. Is there something wrong, Archie?”

“Nah..” he replied. “M’ just stressed out, that’s all.. I just needed some quality cuddle time with me hubby.”

Maxie chuckled. “I see.” He pet his head affectionately, then stroked his chin like a Skitty.

“M-Maxie!” Archie squeaked. “Ack- No! Bwahaha! Stop it!”

He raised an eyebrow. “But why? You look like you’re having so much fun~” He teased, keeping up the tickly touches at his husband’s neck and chin.

“Gahahahaha-!” He scrunched his neck up, pushing Maxie’s hands away. “Quit it!”

*chuckle* “At least I get a smile from you.”

Blushing, Archie sat back up, got into the covers, and wrapped his arms around Maxie’s waist, returning the cuddles.

“Mmm… Yer so damn warm…”

“I’ve literally spent most of my life near volcanoes, Archie. But you love it, anyway.”

Archie guffaws. “I sure as shit do..” He held him closer to his chest. “Hey, Max..?”

“Yes, Archie?” He questioned, looking up at him with curiosity.

His grip on him was gentle, but tighter.

“I know this is gonna sound really random… but I gotta tell ye… yer just like a stress ball.”

While he was telling him this, Maxie was grabbing a cup of water. (Yes. Water lmao) and he almost spit it out.

“*cough* A-A what??”

“A stress ball.” Archie repeated.

He just tilted his head in more confusion. “Archie, love of my life, I don’t understand. How am I like a stress ball? *snicker* I don’t stress myself out THAT much.”

“Well… it’s because ye calm me down every time I’m stressed.”

“Oh. I see. How sweet of you to say.”

Archie then smirked. “But….”

???

Maxie knew what the look on his face meant. “What are you-“

“Heh.. the only difference between ye and a real stress ball…” He grasped both of his sides.

“AAAEEEE!!!”

“Is that ye squeak when I squeeze ye!” He cackled, continuing to squeeze his sides.

“N-Nohohohohohoho! Dohohohohon’t!!” He fell back giggling, trying to squirm out of Archie’s arms. Ahahahaharchihihihihie!!!” He squawked, flailing back and forth.

“Haha! I gotcha!” He teased, pinning him down and squeezing his hips next. “Yer beautiful laugh is what puts me at ease, babe.”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AHAHARCHIHIHIHIE!! ST-STAHAHAHAHA-!” He wrapped his arms around his stomach, cackling.

“Mm? What was that, babe?” He teased, nuzzling his beard into his neck while squeezing his sides once more. “Didn’t hear ye. What did ye want?”

“STAHAHAHAP!! ST- *SNOOOOOOOORT*

Archie immediately halted, devious fingers pulling away from Maxie. His mouth was open wide, in shock and amusement. Maxie on the other hand was HORRIFIED and slapped his hand against his mouth.

“What… was that..?”

Maxie’s face turned beet red, and he covered his face with his hands. “N-Nohohothing!! J-Just stop!! You’re embarrassing me!”

He smirked even more. “Didn’t sound like nothin’.. I think I wanna hear that again.” He said as he dove his fingers up his husband’s armpits.

“ACK- GAAAAAAAH!!!! NOOOOHOHO ARCHIE GOD DAHAHAHAHAHAMN IHIHIHIHIHIT!!! AAAAAH!! NOHOHOHO!! *SNORT* ST-STAHAHAHAHOP!!!”

“Oh my god.” Archie was almost in tears, his husband was so fucking cute. He gave his hips another squeeze.

“F-FUHUHUHUHAHAHACK!!! *SNORT* AAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!! *snort snort* STOP!! PLEHEHEHEHEASE!!!” He begged, arching his back and trying to wriggle his skinnier body away. No such luck. (Suffer, nerd)

“Hehe.. what’s the matter, Max? Ticklish?” Archie chuckled, easing his tickles a bit so he could answer him. “There’s no way that the leader of Team Magma could be this ticklish.”

“Lehehehehet mehehehe go, Archihihie…” He gasped, clenching his hands at his wrists, thinking that it will stop Archie from tickling him further.

News flash, it won’t. (Lmao)

“Or ehehelse…”

He smirked at Maxie and kissed his forehead. “Or else what, Max? You can’t stop the tickle monster, never can, never will.” He growled, tightening his grip on him, near ready to pounce again. “Damn, ye look so precious like this… I love ye so much..”

This embarrassed the Magma leader to no end. He thanked God that no one could see him so vulnerable, well… except Archie. He struggled, but it was no use. Archie was too strong and he was too weak.

“Me little stress ball~” The Aqua purred, nuzzling his beard into his neck once more, and giving his sides one more gentle squeeze, making Maxie squirm even more.

“No- St-Stohohohohop!” He giggled, trying to turn his head away from his rough, fuzzy beard. “A-Archie-! Hehehehehehe-!”

“Aww, c’mon… Don’t be like that… Ye know ye love my rough beard~ *nuzzle*

The man could only choke out giggles from his mouth, and at this point, he’s completely given up on trying to escape. He was too exhausted. Archie added kisses, which definitely did NOT help it tickle less.

“Hahahahaha- hehehehe A-ARCHIE! No!! Th-Thahahahahat tickles-!”

After a good while, he finally stopped, letting Maxie breathe.

“Ye alright, hun?” Archie finally asked, after nuzzling and kissing him to death. “M’ sorry… yer laugh is such a wonderful sound to me ears… *kiss* Forgive me?”

“Perhaps…” Maxie sighed. “If only I can do one thing.” There was playfulness in his tone.

Archie looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “What’s that, Max?”

“THIS!”

And with that, Maxie practically tackled the bigger man onto the bed and shoved his hands into his armpits.

“GAH-!! F-FUCKAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Archie’s boisterous laughter filled the entire room. “MAHAHAHAHAHAX!!! *WHEEZE* WAHAHAHAHAIT!!!”

“Oh, I’m done waiting, dear.” He smirked. “You deserve this more than you think you do.”

Tears had already sprang in Archie’s eyes, clamping his arms down only trapped Maxie’s hands, making his demise much worse.

“ST-STAAHAAAAHAHAAHAAHAP!! MAX PLEHEHEHEHEASE!! I’M BEHEHEHEGGIN YEHEHEHEHEHE!!!”

“Mm.. I don’t think so.” He smiled, lowering his hands to Archie’s sides and tickling faster. “Now that you had mentioned it, your laugh is just as wonderful~ why would I stop now when I can make you sing such a sweet melody?”

Flustered, Archie covered his blushing face, laughing harder.

“HAHAHA- GAHAHAHAHAHA!! *WHEEZE* STAHAHAHAP TEHEHEHEASING MEHEHEHE! HAHA- THAHAHAT’S NOT FAHAHAIR!!”

*smirk*

“Who said anything about teasing? I’m only speaking the truth, my love.”

Their fight continued, and neither of them noticed Shelly walk into their bedroom, yawning.

“You two are being so loud in here, I swear to god… Courts and I can’t sleep.. Tab and Matt neither.” She groaned, but she immediately found it amusing to see her best friend and leader getting his shit wrecked by Maxie of all people. “You, uh.. you okay there, Arch?” She’s never seen him laughing so hard.

“SHEHEHEHELLY FOR THE LOHOHOVE OF GOHOHOHOD HEHEHELP!!!”

“Help?” She grinned. “Okay, then.. I’ll help.”

She walked over to them and whispered something into Maxie’s ear. This made him chuckle evilly and grab both of Archie’s ankles.

“NO! DON’T YOU DA- GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Maxie clawed his fingers at his husband’s feet. And Shelly was watching back, laughing.

“You said to help! And I did!”

“I MEHEHEHEHEANT HEHEHEHELP ME!!!!! NOHOHOHOT HIHIHIHIHIM-! GAH- MAHAXIE!! STAHAHAP!!!”

Maxie just smiled and kept up the attack. He began mocking him. “What’s the matter, Archie? Ticklish?”

“GAHAHAHA- FUHUHUCK YOU- AAAAAH!!!” He screamed when Maxie attacked his knees.

“There’s no way the leader of Team Aqua could be this ticklish.” He continued to mock.

“OKAHAHAHAY OKAHAHAHAY!! I’M SAHAHAHARRY!!! JUHUHUST STOP!!!”

Maxie decided that Archie had had enough. He released him and let him fall back on the bed, gasping for air.

Shelly walked out the door. “Now Goodnight, goofballs! Don’t make me come back in here, or you’re BOTH going to get it! The rest of us need beauty sleep! Especially me!” Then she closed the door.

Maxie leaned his head down and kissed his husband’s cheek.

“Are you alright, Archie?”

“Yeheheheheah…” He laughed, letting Maxie lay down next to him. “M’ okahahay..”

“Is it alright if we fall asleep like this?”

“Heh, whatever you want, babe..” Archie held him close. “Max?”

He looks at him. “Yes?”

“I love ye.”

“I love you too.”

[shima-draws]

Hiro is here!! We've all been waiting for him!!

You know the drill by now, all the yummy details about his background are under the cut ;) Also be warned it is VERY long I went a little feral writing his backstory lmao

Hiro

Age: 17

Hair color: Orange

Eye color: Pink

Element: Psychic & Forest

Okay so a lot of this is gonna be stuff I'm pulling from posts I've already written to make it easier on myself and so I don't have to repeat anything.

Before he was born, the Novune Forces approached Hiro's parents because they knew that he would be born as a dual elemental. Part of their goal was to raise several dual type children to become human weapons--they targeted dual type babies specifically because they're said to be more powerful since they can use more than one elemental type.

It was the perfect opportunity for Hiro's parents because at the time they were not ready for a child despite agreeing that they were going to have it. Ofc the Forces did not reveal their plans so to them it turned into a nice surrogate parent situation where Hiro's mother would give birth to him and he'd immediately be given up for adoption afterwards. It was definitely hard for them to part with him but they trusted he'd be in good care. Well. That turned out great, as you can probably tell :')

Hiro, along with Kaz and Mallary, became the Forces' iconic trio, with Hiro considered to be the golden child and the most dangerous between the three of them because of his high intellect and skill in combat. He grew up under a very strict regimen and would spend hours each day dedicated to training both his mind and his elemental powers. He's an extremely gifted psychic elemental and took to his abilities almost immediately--he’s able to read his opponents movements and set up traps before they can even get to him. He’s usually airborne for most battles he’s in; he finds it easier to strategize from a higher vantage point, and he also just likes to float around and dodge enemy attacks and act like an ass lmao. He’s a pro at immobilizing his enemies so they can no longer move, ending his battles swiftly and cleanly. Physically he’s not very powerful so he uses a magic staff to fight. His intelligence more than makes up for his lack of super strength!

He has a special power like Kaz’s extra dragon typing (and, like Kaz, he has a streak in his hair from the experimentation)—Hiro gets visions of death, basically predictions of the future, and his visions are never wrong. He’s able to see who dies in battle and the Forces use this to their advantage so that they can prepare around any casualties. Hiro hates getting these visions because he doesn’t like seeing people die, he witnesses their last moments and it’s certainly traumatizing for him;; and like Kaz, this power was something he only unlocked through lots of experimentation on him, so he usually passes out for hours after getting a vision since it’s not a “natural” ability he was born with.

As for his second typing, it was something he never really clicked with. Forest elementals have to be very attuned to nature and are generally more kindhearted and gentle people, but since Hiro grew up in a base with only limited access to the outside (and because he’s forced into acting as an antagonist), his forest elemental powers were repressed over the years. He’s already powerful enough as a psychic elemental so he doesn’t feel the need to resort to a second power, especially since his superiors viewed his second typing as useless and he never received proper training on how to use it. He's already a huge threat as he is so they said good enough. The Forces believe that if something is useless, throw it away, so they eventually abandoned any hope of him succeeding in bettering his forest powers, and focused solely on enhancing his psychic abilities and making his death visions clearer.

Before Hiro became the cold-hearted and snarky colonel that the Forces know him as, he was actually a very kind child with an aversion to violence, and cried often. That got forced out of him pretty quickly though--he learned right away that disobedience means punishment and the only way to pay for his mistakes is by verbal and physical abuse. Poor baby :'( He and Kaz and Mallary go through a LOT of unfair shit as kids. The event that really drove home his intense determination and flawless record was the first mission he was ever sent out on.

This happened when he was around 13. Usually members of the Forces don't get to go out on solo missions unless they have a high position or are old enough to, but he was the exception because of his talent and because it was an experiment to see if he could handle it. His mission was to infiltrate a small, family run guild and basically gather intel and find out what their agenda was, as there were rumors they knew of some of the Forces’ plans. Upon Hiro’s arrival to the town where the guild was situated, he ends up rescuing the Guildmaster’s daughter, Lorelai, who is around his age. Unknowingly, he triggered his forest elemental powers, which caused them to land in a field of flowers he’d bloomed. Because of this, Lorelai starts to call him Flower, since he couldn’t come up with a codename in time and he doesn’t have a real name anyway lol

A couple weeks pass and Hiro spends more and more time with the guild, growing closer to Lorelai and being lulled into a false sense of security. He becomes extremely jealous of how the guild lives, and is very emotional at how much of a family they are, and how sweetly they treat him. Hiro starts to ponder over whether or not he should be sneaking around behind their back, when one day the guild is attacked while he’s out. When he returns, the village is set ablaze, and when Hiro demands what’s going on, his superior informs him that he was merely a decoy to get their defenses down, since apparently the Forces had definitive proof that they knew of their plans. His superior orders Hiro to search the village and kill anybody who was left.

Hiro, panicked, searches for Lorelai, and finds her hiding in the forest nearby. He apologizes to her and has a mental breakdown, blaming himself for all of her misfortune. Lorelai realizes that he’s being kept in the Forces against his will and begs him to run away with her. Hiro knows that he’ll be hunted down if he does, and Lorelai could get hurt, so he tells her he has to stay with them. In the midst of this, they are confronted with the current colonel of the Forces, who encourages Hiro to kill Lorelai. Hiro refuses, and the colonel calls him out for insubordination. The colonel then decides to kill both of them in order to get a promotion. Hiro leaps to defend both Lorelai and himself, and in the scuffle, receives the scar on his head, and accidentally kills the colonel. Traumatized, bloodied, and terrified, Lorelai is the one to apologize to him as he cries his eyes out. Hiro numbly reassures her and tells her to run while she can. Lorelai admits that she loves him and bids him farewell, hoping that they can meet again, and that she’s sorry she can’t do more for him.

This is when Hiro decides to become the perfect agent—dangerous, cruel, and flawless, so that something like this never happens again, and so that he can have enough power to make the decisions rather than just following orders to mindlessly kill people. From then on out he does what he’s told without any complaints and has a record for never failing a single mission the Forces have given to him. Any enemy considers him to be absolutely ruthless because he does not hesitate in battles and will neutralize with no questions asked. He’s a cocky little bastard around enemies lmao he loves to snark them and tease them. He’s strictly against killing after what happened to the colonel, so instead, if it’s a high risk operation, he erases the memories of his targets to reduce the threat. Because he’s so uncomfortable with the thought of death in general he reasons that losing your memories is better than dying, and that makes it easier on the Forces as well since they’ll leave less of a trail rather than just killing people left and right. 

Growing up, Hiro didn’t interact with Kaz very much, and they usually just saw each other in passing. However they both respect each other a great amount, and they sympathize with each other, being in the same sort of situation. Both the Hiro and Kaz hate their upbringing and hold a grudge against their superiors for their treatment and experimentation on them;; As for Mallary, Hiro became enamored with her because she reminds him a lot of Lorelai (who he later admits to being his first love). He finds her strength captivating and the way she doesn’t give a shit about other people’s opinions admirable. Hiro eventually falls prey to her manipulation and falls over himself to please her, which bothers Kaz because he knows Mallary’s just toying with him.

After the Forces’ plan to kidnap Ginni and use her as a hostage blows up in their face, Hiro finds out that Kaz had escaped with her, and commends him on the extremely smart decision to do so lol. He wonders if he should start considering leaving the Forces as well, seeing as he’s mature and responsible (and smart) enough to make it on his own. He’s ordered to retrieve Kaz which was a HUGE mistake on the Forces’ part because they didn’t realize Hiro’s loyalties lied more with people on the outside. Hiro meets up with Kaz and Kaz eventually convinces him to desert the Forces and work with him to stop their plans. Hiro agrees to work as a double agent for a while, leaking all of the Forces’ information to Kaz, Ginni, and the guild. In the midst of all this, Hiro meets Olivia, who pretty much calls dibs on him and she’s like “Listen Ginni got to give Kaz his name so can I give the colonel a name?? Please???” So she starts calling him Hiro! And finally baby boy smarts up and starts crushing on a girl that actually gives a damn about him and god dammit it’s the cutest fucking case of puppy love since Dusk/Nozomi. Hiro absolutely adores her, but he’s too nervous to actually do anything about it because he’s got huge abandonment issues (thanks again bad parenting! And Mallary!) and doesn’t want to ruin one of the only genuine friendships he’s ever had. But he is head over HEELS for Olivia and it’s so……softe.

Mallary finds out that Hiro’s acting as a spy, and retaliates. Hiro realizes just how awfully she’s treated him and defeats her, allowing him to escape and officially join up with the guild.

After that it’s a whole bunch of crazy action stuff as plans come together and they get to take down the Forces. Hiro falls harder and deeper for Olivia while she remains oblivious (at least, for a little while, until she finally starts noticing). He grows closer to Kaz and Ginni as well, and begins connecting with Kaz on a deep level because of their shared history. (They’re kind of like brothers, and Hiro considers him to be his best friend :’) )

Once the Forces are defeated, Hiro and Kaz both decide to go on a journey of self discovery in order to better themselves and learn more about the world they haven’t seen due to being locked up for so many years. Kaz and Ginni are already on the verge of forming a relationship, but with Olivia and Hiro it’s still tentative since she’s unsure and he still feels inadequate as a romantic partner. Olivia admits that she likes him and Hiro is so happy he’s ready to burst, but then he realizes it’s not the right time for them to be together so he gently rejects her. (Olivia takes this as an actual rejection tho not a “I’m not ready to be in a relationship with you yet tho I WANT to” and Ginni’s like YA’LL ARE SO DUMB I S2G).

Hiro and Kaz go their separate ways, and Hiro travels around for a while! He eventually settles in a lovely little village where he learns about his forest elemental powers and how to use them better. He’s finally able to connect with other people and essentially becomes way softer around the edges, revealing the true personality he had when he was a kid. A year or so passes and suddenly Kaz, Ginni and Olivia show up to reunite with him, and not long after that Hiro and Olivia FINALLY get together and start dating 😔👌 (Ginni: TOOK you look enough, god)

At some point the four of them go on a journey together and Hiro runs into his biological parents again…!! And he finds out he has a younger sister and they all reconnect and it’s SO EMOTIONAL

Other than that I think that’s all I have 🤔 Thanks for reading though this epic rollercoaster ride of a story plot lol!

Extra personality traits

-Hiro’s sarcasm and snarkiness is a defense mechanism to prevent anybody from seeing his vulnerable side, and also a way to trick the fear inside of him. Kaz is the one to point this out actually lol

-Despite that he does enjoy teasing people lightheartedly and being sassy, once he gets comfortable enough with them! There is a difference between his snarkiness towards enemies compared to that towards friends

-Is EXTREMELY loyal to the people he cares about. At first he tends to act prickly and kind of standoffish towards people he doesn’t know well. Over time he becomes more open to trusting others. Once you earn his trust and he deems you worthy of his friendship he instantly becomes softer and kinder haha, it’s like a switch

-Often dismisses people that he thinks aren’t worth his time or aren’t smart enough to hold an intelligent conversation with him

-Spends a lot of time reading and gathering knowledge. He is very book smart—but not very people smart :’D He and Kaz will spend hours in the guild’s library, since they’re both very thirsty for information outside of what they studied during their time in the Forces

-Touch starved as FUCK. He flips his shit every time somebody touches him in a friendly way, and will melt into a puddle if he gets hugged

-He can be very nosy and insensitive sometimes, prying into other people’s personal affairs if he thinks he can solve the issue

-Absolutely a tactics expert. He calculates all of his moves very carefully, and uses prediction tactics to leave no room for error. He enjoys coming up with mock battle situations to challenge himself.

-Very self-sacrificial;; he views the lives of those he cares about to be far more important than his own. He’ll lay his life on the line for his friends in an instant

-Is the person in the group who is the least fond of violence. If he can find a way around injuring someone, he’ll do it. He prefers to restrict his enemy’s movements or slow them down so they can’t fight back. He is VERY good at neutralizing opponents before they can even register it

-SUPER speedy. Due to his small size he’s very quick, most people don’t see him coming

-He’s really sensitive about his height fjmaksldmas he snaps at people who make fun of him for it

-Tends to levitate when he’s in deep thought. Olivia finds this very cute

-Blooms flowers when he’s happy/embarrassed

-He’s actually. A very talented dancer :0 During his year away from the guild he learned a lot of folk dances at the village he was living in, and when the others witness it they get really starstruck because it’s super mesmerizing!! He blooms flowers as he dances

-At his core he’s a very compassionate character!!

-After escaping from the Forces, he’s able to express his emotions more openly, and goes back to the way he was as a child. He’s a crybaby :’) He cries whenever someone he cares about gets hurt

-The only person in the group with the fucking brain cell, and the most rational one. Unless Olivia gets involved, then he gets stupid and flustered lmao

[uzuitengensfourthwife]

Roommate (Suguru Daishou x fem!Reader) College AU

Warnings: some teasing, my bad writing but other than that none

Word count: 2371

Authors note: and this too was written back in October LKADNHDJF Im so sorry but this just had to be posted here at some point, so why not now? *proceeds to lip bite* Anyways lmao skdnnf I think suguru is so damn underrated and he isnt even as bad as people might think he is so yeah, here is my oh so badly written suguru fanfic. Enjoy!!

(2 months ago)

It was Friday evening, a day you and your roommate usually binge-watched movies and series, but not today. The sudden change in plans was a change you didn't want. After all, the change of plans meant helping your roommate to pack his stuff and help him bring it into his new Unit. A Unit that was far away from his previous one and it made you feel dejected. You wouldn't be able to see him that often anymore and for once you grew close to someone outside of Japan.

, Ow c'mon Y/N. Don't be sad. I bet your new roommate will be nice as well.'' You let out a grown as you let yourself fall down on your bed. , Yeah but he's not you and you're like my only friend here in the Unit.'' Christian let out a chuckle and then suddenly got up from his kneeling position, getting his backpack and suitcase. , Well, you'll be alright, '' he threw some of his last stuff in his backpack. ,,After all my new Unit isn't even that far away.'' - ,,Christian, what is 'not far away' about 30 fucking minutes?'' you huffed in annoyance, sitting up again death glaring your 'ex' roommate. His laugh filled up the room as he threw his backpack over his shoulder, it was time for him to go, and then again you felt miserable. You wanted him to stay, but it was his decision after all. After two full years with Christian you knew you weren't the reason why he left, he left for other plausible reasons.

,, Alright let me help you then.'' You announced, grabbing one of his bags opening the door for him. A smile was plastered across his face as he walked past you with all his belongings. Letting out a last sigh you followed him, hoping your future roommate would be as subtle as Christian...

//

After helping Christian carrying and unpacking his stuff in his new Unit, you just made it back to your Unit. You were tired and felt like a piece of shit. Christian was one of the only people you interacted with on campus and the only one in your unit. The rest of your friends attended Universities in Japan, mostly in Tokyo or Osaka, just the minimum was somewhere outside of Japan, including you. Moreover, it was hard for you to find friends since you lacked in social skills. And having a new roommate would totally throw you off, you didn't even know how you wanted to welcome him, you were just too socially awkward for this.

So when you finally opened the door to your little 'apartment' and discovered a new pair of shoes next to all of your shoes, you freaked out. He was already here and you literally had nothing to offer him. Not even goddamn chewing gum. This would most definitely turn into some second hand embarrasment, you were sure about it. You closed the door when you suddenly heard footsteps slowly coming your way. ,,I'm really sorry that I just barged in but you weren't here so I let myself in.'' There he was, standing in front of you. You recognised him right away. Suguru Daisho, the high school rival of a friend of yours. ,,Well well, if that isn't our Miss Nekoma Manager, Y/N it is, right?'' he leaned onto to wall, giving you one of his smug smirks.

,,Of all people, it really just had to be you, huh?'' you spat out ironically, slipping out of your shoes as you walked up to him. ,,Ouch Y/N, you hurt my heart.'' Letting out a fake sob, he touched his chest and tried to look as hurt as possible which made you sigh out in annoyance, so you walk past him showing no reaction. ,,Jesus, you're no fun.'' - ,, Never intended to be fun, especially when it comes to you.'' As you replied to his complaint, you just plopped down on the little couch, already missing Christian. You really were so close to just change units as well. It hadn't even been 5 minutes yet, but here you are already considering to move out. What an awful day you had. And your next years in Uni would get even worse with him as your roommate.

But things turned out quite differently.

You imagined living with Suguru must be the most annoying thing ever, but you were so wrong. First, you really thought he was just trying to get on your sweet side and then act like an asshole again, but you started to reconsider when he brought home some chocolates for you. It wasn't just that, no he did so much more for you, and all of that in just two months.

He cooked for you, whenever he had time. When you woke up every morning, there was breakfast on the table. He helped you with studying and kept his distance whenever he knew you needed some time for yourself. And most importantly, he never invited friends over, since it didn't take him long to find out you just couldn't interact with people. Of course his teasing side would come out sometimes, leaving some comments here and there, but he changed and not only by a bit no, he changed a lot and even for the better.

Living with him was easier than you thought.

And yet, yet the old things would obviously come back because today you wanted to tell Kuroo, who was and still is one of your best friends from high school, that Suguru was your roommate. God, you were nervous. You knew Kuroo has always hated him and he will most definitely not stop hating him, even despite the fact that you grew quite close to him.

So when you pressed the 'call' button on your laptop, you really just didn't want to tell him, but you had to. Even if you wouldn't tell him now, he would find out somehow. You really wanted to tell him in person, rather than him finding out and then getting mad at you as well.

Once his faced showed up on your screen you smiled and waved, shoving away the nervousness you just had. ,,Hey Hey Tets!'' - ,,Hey! How're you doing over there?'' he smiled, taking a sip from the cup wich was located right next to him. ,,Well Im doing pretty good! How're you and the boys doing?'' Kuroo's face turned dark, making you worry, but once you've heard his answers you couldn't have expected less from such an idiot as him. ,,Well we're all doing pretty good.... and yet I feel broken, Kenma's ignoring me once again.'' He sobbed ironically, making you smile in an instant. You had to admit it, you missed the old times. The time you guys were still in Highschool, enjoying life and just having fun. But over all you just missed your friends, you always see them hanging out with each other, going on trips together while you were stuck with boredom and nothing but schoolwork. Of course your friends were part of the University life as well, however it seemed like they had much more time than you. Less worries than you.

,,You know Tets... I miss you guys a lot.'' You whispered as you nervously played with a stuffed animal, that was standing right next to your laptop. Showing affection wasn't really your thing, yet you missed your group of friends way too much to just ignore it like that. ,,Awe Y/N, we miss you too! Once you're back we're definitely going out somewhere! Oh and you should bring Christian as well!! Come to think of it.... where is Christian?''

You chocked on your saliva. ,,Oh god are you okay?'' Kuroo worriedly stated as you coughed. Why now, you had nearly forgotten about it, and yet all of the good had to come to an end. So when you finally stopped coughing you assured your friend that you were okay, but you most definitely weren't okay, you didn't even know where to start. You couldn't possibly just go ,,Ah yeah forgot to tell you, but Christian changed units. Suguru and I are now roommates.'.There was no way you could tell him. Literally no way.

But while you were overthinking this whole situation, suddenly Suguru made his entry.

,,Eyo Y/N can you-'' - ,, What is he doing here?'' Kuroo frantically yelled as he regocnised Suguru, pointing at him through your screen. Great, you thought. This could've gone better if you had the guts to bring it up earlier, but of course your friend had to find out like this. Luck was definetily not on your side today. ,,Oi roosterhead, still lying about your height huh?'' Suguru smirked as he placed himself right behind you, moving closer to the laptop. ,,Get lost.''Kuroo scoffed and now looked at you while still pointing at Suguru. ,,Why's he here?'' he repeated himself, not leaving you out of his sight once. Yet you looked away, trying to avoid his gaze as much as possible, you would even prefer hiding behind Suguru than sitting here. ,,He's my new roommate... Christian changed units.'' You whispered slowly looking back to see if he was still watching you.

Suguru took his chance and moved closer to you as he purred. ,,Wait, you didn't tell him babe?'' Oh god you forgot the petnames he had for you and you hated him for using them on you now. After he moved in and you finally got along pretty well, he started with all these ridiculous pet names, just like honey. And oh god...this was definitely not going to end well.

,,Can you tell him to fucking leave?'' Kuroo asked, seemingly annoyed of your roommates presence. ,,Alright alright I'll leave, just don't forget our business later.'' and with that he left your room.

The sudden awkward silence that was between you and your best friend was more than just uncomfortable for you. In fact, you hated it, you just wanted to disappear. ,,How long?'' He was the first one to finally break the silence and you knew he was upset, after all Suguru just walked in and you didn't tell him at all. ,,Two months..'' you whispered, full of regret. Kuroo then sighed, hand on his forehead as he leaned back to process what he has just heard. ,,Two months? God.... why didn't you tell me?'' - ,, Listen I was scared.... I know you don't like him but we got along so well..'' you stuttered, trying to avoid his gaze again. Honestly you were scared. All this time you were scared that you might lose your friend, although this might be a stupid reason to end a friendship, you were still terrified.

,,Hey that's fine Y/N, liking each other and having a relationship is fine! Im not even mad I promise!'' You looked at him as he smiled, to let you know that it was fine. All you could do was smile back and be thankful that he wasn't mad at you. ,,Oh and we're not really in a relationship..'' You stated and let out a nervous giggle. Kuroo on the other hand leaned in closer and then whispered. ,,Yeah right hon.'' - ,,Kuroo.'' You warned, holding up your finger just as you were about to scold him. ,,Anyways, seems like you have some unfinished business with the snake, so go for it.'' You huffed, ready to protest that there was no business to finish, but before you could tell him otherwise he disappeared from you screen.

Sighing out in annoyance, you got up from your chair to go scold your roommate for his bold words he has spoken during your videocall. So when you saw him doing some schoolwork you seated yourself in front of him, death glaring him. ,,Just what exactly were you thinking?''you hissed in such a sharp tone, that even suguru backed off for a second. But he quickly collected himself and leaned in closer just to smirk at you. ,,What do you mean babe?" he asked, his voice soft and unbothered. You groaned again, leaning in closer as well. ,,He thinks we have a thing." - ,,So?" his reply was bold, just like as if he didn't care about your current situation at all, which was weird to you since he usually never acted or talked to you this way.

You answered him, voice quiet. ,,So you're just going to leave it there?''

The confusion was plastered all over his face. You didn't really know what left him so confused, but you needed answers and as for that you waited for an answer. ,,Wait wait wait.'' he said, holding up both his hands. ,,Is that disappointment I hear?'' - ,,Never.'' You leaned back, looking away and thinking how to continue this conversation, which obviously seemed pointless to your roommate. But it wasn't pointless to you, your friend literally just hung up on you just because of this stupid statement the guy in front of you had made. ,,Why did you say these things? What did you even mean by unfinished business? That's not appropri-'' you got cut off midsentence. ,,We still haven't decided what we wanted to cook this weekend. That's what I meant babe.'' he stated, as he held up a paper with an amused expression.

,Oh' you mouthed, sitting there in embarrassment as you tried to avoid his gaze. The embarrassment just grew bigger as you realised what you were actually thinking about.

,,Well well, it's okay to have these thoughts about me. But next time you might as well share them with me.'' His grin grew bigger, putting down the paper he just lifted up a second ago. That's it, you thought, he has crossed the line. You then suddenly stood up, cheeks flushing red as you huffed out in annoyance once again. ,,You're the worst.'' you muttered, stomping away to your room in an instant, shutting your door. But something was odd. No, you... you felt something odd happening to you.

You then realised your fastened heartbeat, your hot cheeks, still flushed in a light pink shade,you...you were confused.

Just.... what... what was this feeling?

[ultimatebethylficlist]

Veteran Author of The Month: June 2021

The featured veteran author for June is also a co-admin right here at UBFL: SquishyCool (or @im-immortal )!

SquishyCool can be found on AO3 and FFN under the same penname.

When asked what got her into Bethyl and what the fandom means to her, she said:

I’ve been a hardcore TWD fan since the show began airing, but that’s because of my love for zombies. In all honesty, I didn’t really ship anyone for the first 3-4 seasons. I kind of shipped Daryl with Carol, but then it became clear that it was a platonic relationship and in all honesty, I just wanted to see them both get some action lmao. Then the prison fell... and in those first moments of “Still,” when we see Beth and Daryl running and running and finally collapsing on the ground, breathless and exhausted... the butterflies started. Something clicked and I immediately thought, “uh oh.” The rest is history, especially considering how “Still” and “Alone” played out. I can’t explain how or why I’m still so heavily invested, especially considering my last 2 fandoms only kept my attention for about 2-3 years each, but here I am. And I love it! I am so incredibly grateful for the Bethyl fandom because not only has it helped me improve my writing so much more than I ever could have imagined, but it has also introduced me to some of the most amazing people, including someone who I now consider one of my very best friends! It’s my happy place :)

For her personal fic rec list, she recommends:

In The Maw by ronsparkyspeirs

Way Down We Go by LeathernLaces

Surfacing by lindentree

Wild Things (The Moonshine Poet) by Abelina

The Gift by Feliz

The Man Who Can't Be Moved by burningupasun

New Experiences Series by wallflow3r

Whisper Softly to Me by taylorcatherine

Interstice by leftmywingshome

To Love Like a Man by Seraphique

Death, Death (i defy thee) by alamorn

In My Blood by Courtneyshortney82

Let the Good Times Roll by gutsforgarters

Resolved by Allatariel

the weight of these wings by peachthorns

all my spaces are filled with you by annabeth_writes

A Little Jailbreak with the Little Jailbait by wandering_gypsy_feet

between the beginning and the end by sheriffandsteel

SquishyCool’s Works & Personal Thoughts:

Dirty Fingernails and Dried Blood Summary: What happened during the months between "Still" and "Alone"? Beth uses the last pages of her diary to write down every detail of surviving with Daryl. Thoughts: My first Bethyl fanfic. It holds a special place in my heart for that reason, though it is pretty rough. If I could go back, I never would’ve done it entirely in first-person. But I do plan to finish it one day. There are some scenes I’m particularly proud of, and I still have a long note full of ideas and plot points.

Most Wanted Summary: After Beth’s mother and half-brother are murdered in a drug war, the godly veil on the Greene Family operation is lifted, and law enforcement comes down hard. In an effort to protect her family, Beth commits a heinous crime that could mean life in prison alongside them. Now everyone she’s ever trusted is in police custody and her only chance at freedom is to get as far away from Atlanta as she can... Thoughts: Well, this is a must-read if you like my writing. I hope to one day convert this into an original fiction and maybe get it published, but I need to finish it first LOL. I got the idea from ONE scene of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” and from there, it exploded into a huge mystery thriller (with lots of romance and smut). I’m really really proud of it, and I’m scared I’ll fuck it up tbh, so I keep putting off continuing it. But I really need to get back to it because I really want people to see what I have planned! (Also, this fic is the reason @courtneyshortney82​ started talking to me, so that alone is pretty historic lmao)

The Crow’s Song Summary: Beth and Daryl spend a few more days together in the funeral home and come to terms with all they've lost along the way. But soon, they must decide what comes next. Thoughts: This fic... this fucking fic. It took me a full year to write. I made numerous edits. I even got a little depressed while I was writing the last two chapters, and my bf didn’t know why until he read what I’d been writing lol. It’s honestly the Bethyl fic I’ve always wanted to write but just didn’t know how. I’m still really really proud of how it turned out.

Carnival Games Summary: Daryl is a traveling carnival worker and Beth is a barely legal farmer's daughter looking for a night of fun when the carnival comes to town. Thoughts: Omg this fic is so fun!! One of my first Bethyl fics, and one of my first Bethyl smut fics. Short, sweet, a little funny, and a lot hot. I am still impressed with myself on this one, especially considering how much my writing has improved since lol

Breathe. Please. Summary: Beth shows up at the Hilltop. Alive. Daryl can hardly believe his eyes. Until she's lying in his bed, an arm's reach away. And he can hear her inhaling... exhaling... inhaling... Thoughts: Another “fix-it” that I’m proud of. Tbh I didn’t think it was anything all that special, but a lot of readers have said it’s one of their favorites, and some say they reread it regularly, and nothing makes me happier than hearing that, so I am extremely proud.

picking @ scabs Summary: Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, being with them just isn't right. But what wouldn't you give for it to be right? Can someone like Daryl learn how to swallow his pride and stop repeating the same mistakes over and over? Can someone like Beth learn to fight off her demons and allow him to get close enough to hurt her again? How can they stay away from each other when it's all too easy to fall back into one another? Picking a scab will leave a scar, but they both have so many scars already... what's a few more? Thoughts: This fic is very, very personal for me. It’s like my “therapy” fic. I have poured some of my deepest feelings and struggles into its chapters, and the whole idea that got me to start it was that I wanted to find a way to navigate and cope with ending my 3-year long relationship with my emotionally/mentally/sometimes physically abusive ex. I still have a lot of fond memories from that relationship, but even more so, I have painful memories. Not to mention, going through your early 20s as a woman in the modern day is a fuckin’ trip, so this kind of explores that. It’s really self-indulgent, I think, but I’m really proud of the smut in it. And more than that, I’m proud of the response. I’ve had a few people message me or comment to say that they’ve felt all those things, or have experienced similar things, and it’s really just... relieving. I put my heart and soul out there, and what I got back was “you’re not alone.” So yeah, this fic is special. I wanna finish it soon, but I have to be in A Mood to do so. 

In Toto Corde Summary: Despite a million reasons not to, Beth and Daryl fell in love. Then he made the ultimate sacrifice in order to keep all of his promises. Now, facing unimaginable consequences at the hands of witch hunters, Beth has no choice but to use her powers to bring Daryl back from the dead. "He won't be the same..." Thoughts: I LOVE THIS FIC. I love it so much that I had to rewrite it after like 4 or 5 years. And I already started on a sequel that I really hope I’m able to finish. Though it doesn’t have many hits, and I don’t think many people have read it at all, which I understand since it basically is entirely focused around Daryl being killed. But damn, I’m proud of this one, and it was really fucking fun to write because witch!Beth is just... the best.

risk it all (part 1 of in for a penny, in for a pound) Summary: Daryl Dixon has a pretty decent life, all things considered. He's got his own place. A good dog. A few friends. Even a girlfriend. He keeps himself out of trouble. Until he starts texting Beth Greene. And hell, if he ain't about to risk it all for this damn girl. Thoughts: This was supposed to be one short multichapter fic focused entirely on smut and social media. Then I got on a roll and it ended up being the beginning of a series! This fic is purely fun. Nothing too serious or heavy. I write it when I’m in a Good Mood because it’s my little happy place. I have plans for about 4 more fics before the series will be finished!

Don’t Make Me Haunt You Summary: So here's the thing: Merle Dixon is dead as fuck. And as it turns out, Beth Greene is the only one who can see or hear him. Which is weird considering she's never met or even heard of this guy, let alone anyone with the last name Dixon. That's her first problem... Thoughts: The reception to this fic has absolutely blown me away. I had no idea anyone would want to read about ghost!Merle haunting Beth and forcing her to solve his murder with the help of his grumpy brother. And it was all inspired by an episode of South Park lmao then I started really getting into it and now it’s just like, my super fun fic where I explore a range of emotions and all kinds of religious beliefs and different mythologies and I can build the world however I want and goddamn I just love writing this fic. Plus there’s a podfic for it! I can’t even begin to explain how much I love this fic and how proud I am of it :)

[antigoneidk]

"I hate you"|arvin russell

a/n: like the little slut that I am i couldn't help myself but think of this so here you are. I want to apologize for my smut experience I- also pics are not mine if you are the owner lmk so I can tag you!

warnings: smut, swearing( like what did you expect unicorns?)

I SUGGEST READING THIS(AND ANY KIND OF THOSE FAN FICS) WITH SEXUAL SONGS. It helps with setting the scene you know. Crazy in love(slowed version) could work in here lmao

_

Bottles of beers scattered all around the dining table, the floor, the couch both of them were sitting. The smell of burnt cigarettes filled the entire room, getting mixed with her cologne, complicated just like her. The four-grey under that lightning-walls representing his cold-hearted attitude, giving the feeling of loneliness and fright, the way he preferred treating people.

She wasn't the exception for him. She couldn't bring that loving boy to the surface. He did a really good job burying it deep down enough, so that nobody could break him, because he knew that the moment he would let himself break, it would have been over.

"Why did you do this?" her voice showed no emotion, her movements either. Her hand held her head as she turned to face him." I told you it wasn't necessary"

"He was driving me nuts" he kept staring at the wall across the room while he placed his cigarette on his lips. He could sense her fear from miles away, he could heat her thoughts through her mind clearly: He is a psycho.

"So you just decided to shoot him" she whispered now turning her attention to the gun next to her. She wasn't surprised anymore, it was what he had to do. Yes, she was scared. Shaking at the thought of him pointing his gun at her with no emotion, just pure evil. Yet she was sure that he would never do that, even if he wasn't going to admit it. Admit that y/n had the power to destroy him completely, leave him into pieces. Arvin was a 50/50 situation for her, he could've had her overthinking his actions for days, trying to figure out if he loved her or not.

Love, a word that no one has the perfect explanation for what it means. Everyone shows love in different ways.

For Arvin love meant that he had to kill, so he can save the ones around him. Eliminate the bad in seconds no matter the consequences. With the help of the devil his loved ones were safe.

For y/n love meant forgiveness. That even after everything she would have open arms for her loved ones, never re-thinking their motives but willing to help escape from their demons.

"I had what I had to do" it was his statement. With confidence he threw his cig down and pressed it with his foot for a few seconds.

"That's what you are always saying"

"It's the truth either you like it or not" he started to feeling bothered by her words. He didn't like talking that much and y/n was now a challenge he didn't have the power to accept.

"Yes" she stood up and walked over to his kitchen, grabbing a glass and pouring it with water. The cold liquid ran through her upper body being the oxygen she needed at that moment helping her not losing her mind as if she was crazy.

She stared at him from across the room. The way his hair covered his face, the way his gun touched his jawline, the way his veins popped up, the way he positioned his body, legs open, torso relaxed, his one arm next to him few centimeters away. He looked smoking hot, however she was mad, selfish. And needy. "I fucking hate you" Arvin heard her words even though she mumbled those under her breath.

"Oh do you?" he asked curious.

"Yes I do. I have hated you since forever. You are a horrible person" she moved from where she stood and made her way in front of him, talking at a slow pace hoping she could be able to get her words inside his head, that he could react.

He smiled towards her.

"I fucking hate you" she repeated once again leaning her body to his, barely touching his lips and her eyes staring exactly at his dark brown ones. She shivered at the feeling of the gun in the middle of the throat cold as ice knowing damn well she could be dead any time soon.

Their lips touched finally. It was a kiss full of hunger, their tongues playing a game they loved to. She wanted to touch him, ran her hands all over his body, feel his skin, touch him, make him feel like never before.

He wanted to. He needed to have her all to him self, on the top of him fuck him just like she did. He wanted to taste her.

Arvin grabbed her waist and forced to sit on his lap, his member already hard from his imagination. With the gun still pointing at her he kept kissing her, slowly falling to her neck and sucking her skin with no mercy. She intertwined her fingers with his hair pulling them with strength at the same time she started to move her body up and down on him, moving her hips a little more just to tease him, her breasts on his chest helping her with achieve her goal.

She felt the icy thing pushing her even more. "Stop teasing me or else I'll shoot you" his gravelly voice came to her ears and she smiled at her self without stopping. She enjoyed the feeling down there, of her pussy rubbing to his trousers, tight around him and his suck game that would've had her cumming in seconds.

He threw her body to the other side of the couch and got on the top of her, his arm grabbing both of hers and the other one pressing down at her area with his gun."Why aren't you listening to what I'm saying?" he pressed even harder. "It is not about you"

"I don't think so"she smirked"You are the one who's on top asshole"

She felt the gun making circles at her underwear, on the top of her clit teasing her. He wanted to hear her say it out loud. Say that she needed him, she needed him to please her, that he was the only one that knew how, that made her cum in seconds.

He left the gun to his side. With what it seemed like forever he kissed her lips quick and moved himself lower at her breasts, her nipples showing of her shirt that hugged her body perfectly, especially this area. With rush moves he lifted up biting his lips at the view in front of him. He licked all around her right nipple without touching it, growing y/n impatient.

"Just lick it already" she breathed out anticipating the feeling. He heard his laugh moments before her eyes rolled back, her upper body lifting and her nails dragging his skin of his hand.

He suddenly let her go of his hand and placing it on her area that was soaking like never before. He moaned at the sensation of his fingers inside of her, the hearing of her moans in this quiet room. He couldn't wait to fuck the hell out of her.

She pushed him back getting the strength to lay him down, turning the roles. Yes she wanted keep continue with what he was doing, however she knew deep down that this is not what he wanted and all she needed was to please him, more than ever.

"I'll fuck you today" she announced to him pulling his shirt off of his head. Her hands traveled to his hands, his veins turning her on, her clit twitching. Her tongue made a path of wet kisses with a lot of sucking in between, his abs being her most favourite part of him.

She took of both of their pants exposing the two of them. She touched him for a while her eyes scanning his face as he stared back at her. Then she touched her self for seconds, closing her eyes and imagining his fingers doing all the work.

He noticed how her face seemed relaxed, how her breasts were exposed, how her fingers moved inside her, how bad he needed her.

She pressed her wet fingers onto his mouth as she positioned her self and finally feeling him inside her. And then she went up and down, his tongue licking her warm fingers, his eyes rolled back, the need for more.

Arvin moved himself up connecting their lips, his hands on her waist keeping the tempo just like he liked. She scratched his back, red makrs making their appearance. It wasn't long after both of them were cumming a few seconds away from one another.

He wouldn't tell this even to his self, but he freaking loved her and the idea of losing her could have drove him insane.

"I fucking hate you too"

[bankaizen]

mmm so spoilers for the ending of 6 below cut

i want to preface this all by saying that i personally think the story itself is really strong. a tad bit predictable at times with a few disappointments, but overall strong

i’m feeling very unfulfilled by this ending though, but not for the reason far cry games usually give me, and i think it’s because of a few reasons

the first being that in the past, the pc usually had some type of direct contact with the villain(s) throughout the game via threatening radio calls, captures, etc. and i mean, it makes sense why we never hear directly from antón over a radio call at all—being el presidente with a larger scale of leadership and all—but i feel like if we did, the ending would have meant that much more. his illness didn’t really heighten the stakes much at all (just kind of proves that viviro isn’t effective and that his own bullshit let him down), i personally think diego and his relationships with his father and dani did heighten them. but that’s pretty much a given

each “”head”” of the regions or secondary antagonists (josé, maría, doctor reyes, mckay, benítez) were kind of dry. i was expecting again, more antagonistic and personal relationships with them, and much bigger boss fights. but maybe i’ve got too much of the seeds from 5 and new dawn in my head, lmao. we got a little bit of insight for each of them, josé especially since he’s antón’s blood, but that’s it. so there was no build up to the ending for me aside from the major character deaths at the expense of libertad and its alliances

the next reason is very much subjective but i think a lot of the immersion was lost from the switch of cutscenes to 3rd person. i honestly thought it would be the opposite; that i would feel much more immersed in 3rd because we could see everything happening at different angles but i was wrong, lmao. the 3rd person scenes are really nice, but damn if those cutscenes with anton and diego were in 1st, they would have hit a lot harder. fc6 cutscenes are very much cinematic though, really new and fresh, and i respect that. but immersion was lost on me and i think one of the main reasons why the fc5 ending with joseph was so chilling was because of how uncomfortably personal it was

as far as the ending itself......... i’ll be honest, i was expecting that antón might unalive himself, and the irony that goes along with him doing so (lots of irony in this game), but taking diego with him was not something i expected. at all. i do understand why he did it; he knew history would repeat itself and diego would have to watch his father die like he did, and suffer through the whole cycle of revolution again after. which now is making me really think as i’m typing this, lmao. because what if diego was kept alive and antón was killed in front of him? honestly???? might have made for a much stronger ending to see the ramifications of that. maybe not in that moment, but years later?

and then after the climax of the ending, there was........ nothing? nothing really came of it? just talk of who would lead yara next, which dani ultimately refuses. and then it cuts to them and juan deciding to wage war against the remaining castillo loyalists. there was no real conclusion

and i think the biggest reason that i’m feeling unfulfilled is that there aren’t any fucking consequences??? at all??? just a victory, and i wouldn’t even call it that. a real conclusion would include real consequences that make me think about everything i’ve done to get to that point. like, look at far cry 5; the consequence was the collapse. unless i’m missing something that flew right over my damn head, there was nothing like that at the end of 6

maybe the new insurgency system involves some sort of consequences? the fact that loyalists still believe in antón’s leadership and they try to continue his legacy? if so, i wish that intent was more explicitly expressed in the game

i’m talking myself in circles here, but the point is that i’m not as impressed with the ending. i was expecting to be thoroughly fucked up and thinking about it for days, but instead i’m just full of more questions than i started the game with

not gonna comment on the vaas thing because i don’t really care about vaas. basically, it’s implied in the epilogue that vaas is the unidentified smuggler that juan was supplying for because he states that antón killing his son was an act of insanity. and he’s right

still a fun fucking game though. gameplay was excellent. acting was excellent. a really great game overall, i enjoyed it. i’ll probably see what this insurgency business is about, but otherwise i probably won’t touch it again until the dlc’s drop

[autisticcassandracain]

OK I read Batman Secret Files: The Signal #1 and there’s the pros and cons list:

Pros:

Duke’s characterization is solid. Nothing terribly special so far imo (though his fighting scene in the villain black market was cool) but nothing awful either. Perfectly solid.

Cass and Duke are friends!!! Cass and Duke are friends!!!!!

Bruce describing Duke as having ‘unparalleled detective skills’... superb.

Jay is back!! IDK I actually like Duke living with Jay. I have a soft spot for superhero/civilian interactions I guess. 

Cons: 

God there’s so much.

Ok so first of all, writing wise? The dialogue is awful. I physically cringed at “But you could say - I was triggered.” The gen z business guy Bruce met up with was especially bad. They’re trying WAY too hard to make him sound young and end up with a ‘how you do fellow kids’ vibe instead. 

Specific dialogue problem: Bruce going “I failed Jason yada yada” before actually getting to the point about Duke like. What did that have to do with what you were trying to tell Duke. Bruce were you just trauma dumping or??????

Pacing is equally atrocious. Long infodumps in lieu of actually showing the plot. Everything seems to happen at once. I don’t know how long this series is supposed to be so maybe they’re just trying to cram everything in as fast as they could, but if you need to cram this much to fit your story into your allotted time maybe. change your story.

I’m withholding judgement on the actual plot so far but that’s mostly bc I couldn’t follow wtf was going on. Maybe that’s just bc it’s 3:15 AM for me right now but I also have the feeling the huge infodumps, combined with them being delivered in awful dialogue, sure didn’t help lmao. I kept glossing over text balloons and having to force myself to re-read them.

I wish they would just actually develop Duke’s current powers instead of constantly chucking new ones and new developments at him. It feels like we’ve barely scratched the surface of his light manipulation, and then we gave him shadow manipulation on top of that, and now he apparently has super healing AND can already use both at once?? What???? Please do something with the currently existing powers and show us Duke slowly learning how to use and understand them instead of constantly trying to push explosive new developments on us.

Abled Babs is in this one. Mostly in the background but it counts.

What they did to the We Are Robin gang is a CRIME and I will personally prosecute them for it. This deserves a whole entire separate rant bc I couldn’t possibly fit all my thoughts on it into a bullet point list but tl;dr the We Are Robin gang has been done dirty ever since their original comic ended and Riko ESPECIALLY has been consistently OOC since and this is by FAR the worst offender so far.

I do not like how much Bruce is leading the charge here, despite this supposedly being Duke’s investigation. It made sense when Duke was still training with Bruce, and in the initial stages of Batman & The Signal, but even in B&tS, Bruce was more hands-off than this. It feels like Duke is more along for the ride in this plot than a driving force in it so far.

Also Riko’s costume is fucking ugly. If you give her shit characterization at least give her a good character design damn. 

EDIT: wait I forgot to mention this. ‘crime bible’ what the HELL. I literally had to stop and repeat that out loud when it appeared. I can’t believe they unironically used the phrase ‘crime bible’. hell is empty and all the devils are here.

[minerva--mcgee]

there's a pretty rare side effect associated with my mood stabilizer where too much of the drug builds up in your bloodstream and makes you incredibly sick. in the most extreme cases, it can cause coma or death. in mild to moderate cases, it causes nausea, vomiting, headaches, and neurological symptoms. the half life for this med is very short, so the drug leaves your body completely after a few days and symptoms resolve unless you've had a severe case. i have been on this medication since june.

i currently have toxicity. this is the SECOND time i've had it. the first time, my doctor and i concluded, was because i was working in a pizza parlor for seven hours a day 5-6 a week when the ac went out in the middle of august and i became grossly dehydrated, which caused my levels to skyrocket. i was out of commission for a few days, but i was fine after about four days. this go around, the best guess we have for what happened is that i am very forgetful about my meds, and i frequently need to reassess in the late morning and walk through my steps to figure out if i had taken my meds. this happened both saturday and sunday morning. both days i came to the conclusion that i had NOT taken my meds that morning, and took them again. we think that maybe one or both days i double-dosed, and because the therapeutic window for the level of this medication in your blood stream is so narrow, and i am on an already high dose, it tippped me over the edge and made me sick again. i got my levels checked, and sure enough, i was toxic.

i asked my psychiatrist, "so, how many patients do you have on this medication?"

she said, "so many!"

i pause, and say "and how many cases of toxicity have you seen?"

she goes, "molly, you're not gonna believe this, literally ZERO."

so i guess that i'm just ✨special✨ and have incredibly shit luck. the worst part of it all, though, is this: on monday, while i was on my hands and knees on the main lawn of campus after class, dragging my way to my car like a zombie in the walking dead and repeated throwing up what was just stomach bile at this point, people kept coming up to me asking if they could help me. i found this to be annoying, so i called my mother to try and make it look like i already had help and people would stop approaching me (in my defense, it worked.) i told my mom i was throwing up, and IMMEDIATELY she asks me if it's toxicity. i told her don't be fucking paranoid, that's so rare and i'm not dehydrated, there's no WAY i can be toxic. she insists that i reach out to my doctor and my doctor called me an hour later. after explaining the situation, she says it's better to be safe than sorry, and to get the bloodwork done. FUCKING SURE ENOUGH, my mother was right.

anyway, i had to call my mom and open myself up to her "i told you so" lecture, and to her credit, she didn't say that, she was just upset that i was sick, and it makes her nervous for me to be on such a high dose of a dangerous drug.

sorry this is so long and i definitely don't expect anyone to read all this lmao, but like god damn??? my doctor has never seen a case of this and i've had it TWICE IN A YEAR??? what the hell is my life???

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[boomerang109]

If it isn't impertinent to ask, how did you know you were non-binanry? Have you struggled with family or have they been accepting?

as long as you’re asking respectfully and because you’re actually curious, i’m happy to answer questions about any aspect of my identity. (that’s my way of saying you’re not being impertinent at all and everyone should feel free to drop into my inbox whenever they’d like)

also, warning for a long post cause i’m a wordy bitch who doesn’t know how to add a read more on mobile

so my experience is pretty much directly transposed onto aang in chapter 8 of wwda so if you’re asking about my actual thought process, you can kinda visit there. (and it occurred to me later that suki being aang’s first place of comfort could possibly fall into the ‘cis-savior trope,’ but that wasn’t my intention and simply was a reflection of the friend who most helped me with my gender crisis).

i had always known people used they/them pronouns, but i don’t think it was until i was regularly talking to friends who used those pronouns that my brain really comprehended those were an option. and i kinda was there like damn they’re so lucky they have the coolest pronouns and at some point it occurred to me that being jealous of someone’s pronouns probably wasn’t normal. and it’s definitely weird cause I’ve always personally felt that vibe of not being feminine enough OR masculine enough (not being a girly-girl or a tomboy as a kid), but i know as a kid i identified that ‘feeling like i didn’t fit in’ emotion as a sort of ‘girl power’ thing, like “I can wear dresses AND have swords!” (which i still do both, but now i know any gender can do this) whereas now i see it as being not a girl, but who knows. gender is such a social concept, i’m constantly like 🧐 what’s my gender? idfk. but another thing that did help me figure out my identity was my dysphoria (which not everybody experiences!!). i’d always thought it was an ace thing that i hated my chest, cause i didn’t understand why it was sexualized and whatnot. (but now i bind and just !!!! everytime makes me so happy, even though i rarely can cause my lungs are SHIT) but, i think most people are like connected to their bodies? and i very much just am not. that’s part of why it was so easy for me to ignore my identity cause i can put on clothes i HATE and i’ll only think about it if it’s actively uncomfortable or there’s a mirror. otherwise, i am just not aware of my body. i went most of middle school and high school not looking in the mirror and i used to say ‘what i look like is other people’s problem, not mine’ cause y’all have to look at me, i don’t. but i’m just good at ignoring things in general, from gender to sexuality to neurodivergence, i’m so busy pretending to be what i think everybody wants me to be, that i barely know who i am. also for a long time i felt really bad cause i thought i was lowkey transphobic cause i internally would invalidate non-binary identities (but out loud was always very supportive and would be mentally berating myself for being a fake ally) and uhhh. i know am aware that the only things i was transphobic about were the exact things that apply to me, so uhh. that’s just some internalized shit. also my name irl is technically gender neutral and i think i’m much closer to dressing neutral/masculine now, but people still completely identify me as female which kinda sucks. but also I’ve been performing as female for my fam so it kinda works. idk it’s all weird ngl. but the actual answer to your question was i realized it when i was ‘jealous’ of other people’s pronouns (which actually one of my friends did the same thing where they said like ‘oh you’re so lucky you get to be non-binary’ and the person they said that to had to be like, ‘if you want to be non-binary then that probably means you are’ and my friend was like 👀)

family is an interesting question cause i’m not out to them. but i also have my pronouns (they/them) in my Instagram bio and 4 of my 5 siblings are on Instagram, as well as my dad. i don’t think they’ve noticed yet. i’m very lucky in that i know my family would never kick me out or anything drastic (although i did realize that i have a piece of my bank account mentally stored for ‘if i get kicked out and need to figure shit out by myself’ which was just a strange realization) but right when i was considering coming out to my dad, he decided to make jokes about how weird they/them pronouns were. (he saw i was uncomfortable and reminded me, ‘oh, but you know i always support you’ but, i had really bad experiences with both my parents the first times i came out to them as bi and/or ace (even though they both meant well) so it’s just not something i’m looking to repeat). my mom honestly should have figured it out cause i told her about it one day when i was questioning and then refused to talk about it once i realized i was non-binary (i don’t trust her to keep a secret) but instead she just keeps teasing me for being like my one sister whenever i mention shopping for boys clothes. and since that sister was the one who ignored me for most of her teenage years, i don’t really appreciate the comparison. (also i realized that my entire fucking childhood she always always told me how grateful she was that i was a girl cause she’d always wanted a daughter. and without realizing it i think i internalized that and was like ‘yes i’ll make sure to be a daughter for sure’ even though i don’t think i am one)

and so, that was a very long way of saying, it’ll be a big blow up when i come out to my fam so i’m avoiding it (even though that means getting misgendered allll summer) as long as i can, but i do know it’ll be okay cause my family always means well underneath all the bs

but i have had a really positive time with my friends. it’s hard at university cause people will still call me she/her and i don’t have the courage to correct them, but my two friends both use she/they so they’re obviously good about it. and i got one of my friends at home to tell a bunch of my high school teachers for me cause she was emailing them and mentioned me and i was kinda like ‘hey one less coming out for me’ which was nice. and i told two other friends right before i left and they literally clapped (which i felt like was a very awkward reaction ngl, but it was nice). and one of those two kept accidentally calling me she, but would apologize when i corrected her. also i think that friend might be using she/they pronouns now too, so idk if that’s another example of me transing my friends’ genders (as i did to clara😉) or just the fact that queers find each other

i don’t know if you wanted this much detail, but i’m not really one for being concise lmao. if you were asking just out of curiosity i think i probably fulfilled that, but if you’re questioning or anything (or just curious, that’s cool too), feel free to ask more questions. i cant promise i’ll answer as quickly as i did this (cause i’m about to go pack b/c tmrw we’re going to visit my sister and her baby ☺️ so i’ll be busy prolly) but i’ll answer eventually

i hope this was helpful and/or enjoyable? if anyone actually read all of it ahdhdjsk

[lucci0la]

what do your kinshifts feel like?

LONG ASS POST WARNING‼️

Personally I tend to notice kinshifts when my behavior and interactions with people change- I feel a very particular way about certain things, or my daydreams more often than not end up having to do with those from my canons. I miss certain people more, or my feelings suddenly change about specific people from my canon. I also tend to feel a lot less strongly about my other kins, sometimes removing them from my list just to add them back later when I feel a shift. And this may sound rancid, but when I’m in a kinshift, I tend to feel very agitated or annoyed seeing others with the same kin or feeling a strong sense of (unrightful) possessiveness seeing someone from my source being close with them. Not to say that anyone sharing a kin with me is invalid (they absolutely aren’t invalid in any way and my personal beliefs enforce that), but it’s an involuntary feeling that arises in my kinshifts. Behavior wise, there’s usually a very noticeable shift in what I do or want or my emotions.

If you’re asking about specifics of my kinshifts, I’ll just tell you what I’ve noticed!

Kakyoin :

~ My dysphoria gets stronger- not in the way of wanting to be more masculine as I’m fairly feminine, but feeling upset by any hyper feminization by those in my life (and occasionally within the fandom). There’s just a strong disconnect between myself and others emotion wise.

~ I tend to feel more passive and wear my more flowy clothing or button ups and spend more time on my hygiene, actually bothering to do things like put my damn earrings in or do my hair. I also seem to be more careful with what I eat and take care to finish any tasks and chores.

~ While my motivation for things increases, so does my will to talk to people. I speak noticeably more friendly to people (read: I’ll be really friendly casually until a full on encounter occurs, in which case, I’m shaking in my boots with uncertainty) and my tone changes drastically, so that’s always a hint. With that being said though, my words come out much more naturally and I don’t sound as much like a broken record.

~ This is literally the main thing that I noticed between kinshifts in the beginning, but in my Rohan shifts I felt a strong interest in body modifications or body art- like piercings and tattoos. In my Rohan shifts I’d have a clear feeling that I’d want some sort of tattoo or get random piercings, specifically nipple piercings, and then when I would be in my Kakyoin shift, I couldn’t not notice that I just had no will or want to alter or mark my body. This was during the time where I kept shifting back and forth between my Kakyoin and Rohan shift, which would change every (this is really a guess) 3-21 days and my feelings and sense of improvement, progression, and change were super clear to me, so it couldn’t go unnoticed. What made it even clearer to me was that the back and forth interest in body modification didn’t feel like indecisiveness, it just felt more like a flipped switch that always went back and forth to the same thoughts and feelings. I remember the thought of dying my hair being a similar feeling to body modification even though my hair color is different from canon- attempting to remedy it outside of video games with customizable characters just makes me feel like I shouldn’t.

~ SUUUPER fucking lonely. I may have more motivation to talk to people, but oh my god, I’m still painfully reluctant and shy in genuine interactions.

Rohan :

~ Usually I feel a lot more upfront with everything, and unlike in my Kakyoin shifts, I’m a bit more distant from people and tend to repeat myself if I’m not in the mood to let my words come out naturally. In other words, I’m considerably more self-focused and care more to finish my school work, usually only reading on the side instead of my Kakyoin shifts where I’m actually taking the time to do anything and everything I can to take care of myself.

~ I don’t experience much dysphoria in these shifts, if any, and lean towards form-fitting or revealing clothing. Though by revealing, I mean more that if I’m alone and at home (which I usually am) I usually just end up strolling around in an unbuttoned cardigan and my underwear so it’s not like I do it in public.

~ Even though I present myself differently with people and don’t actively pursue them much in this state, I feel a notable fondness for them. It’s not like I ever stop loving my pets or family when I’m in any of my shifts, but I’ve noticed that I think about them in a kinder light when I’m in my Rohan shifts. To put it very lightly, the family I was born into that I remember from my canon though wasn’t one that I was as close as I would’ve hoped.

~ It’s a subtle change from the Kakyoin shifts, but I tend to be happier and a bit more hopeful rather that feeling like something is missing. My memories are all and all very much happier and it makes me feel a lot more at ease in many things that I do even if I’m not actively remembering them at times.

~ I’ve admittedly been very distracted from my own kins as of late and unfortunately even let myself forget my own memories- though once I read them again (as I wrote them down) I was reminded. Aside from the attachment and interest to body modification like nipple piercings or getting tattoos, I can’t remember many more differences.

Doppio :

~ These shifts are always way shorter than the others, but I notice them very easily. They stick out like a sore thumb in my eyes. My emotions aren’t passive (in the background) in the slightest during these shifts and mostly consist of like,,, pure fucking peace. Like it’s just a strong feeling you can’t ignore.

~ I procrastinate much more and act with self-indulgence, food becomes the biggest comfort, and I lose my absolute MIND over the outdoors. Scenery of any kind (even if it’s really not that good) catches my eye in an instant and I fuckin’ lose it just trying to take pictures.

~ I’ll interact and talk with those close to me, but I don’t care to do so that much with others.

~ While I like being babied (caressed, treated with endearment, etc.) I literally cannot stand not being treated like another person. Consuming kin content for this shift in particular can make me very angry very quickly unless I get it custom made- like holy shit, call me sweet all you want to, but if I see another damn aesthetic regarding frogs or phones, I will lose my shit. It feels like saying one thing at a family meeting when you’re five and then everyone holds it over your damned head into your adulthood. It’s just a bad joke.

~ I’m pretty sure this is the one kin that I had whose canon was more fem-leaning in terms of attraction because every time I’m in the doppio shift, I just— women 💞💞💞

Johnny :

~ Honestly I don’t know how I know I’m in this shift when I am, I just am. I may have not had this shift enough to know for sure, but I just do.

Aside from all that, easier hints would be

Kakyoin: Attached to Jotaro (and Dio at times) and reacts to doubles in a very jealous way- I don’t interact, obviously, but regardless.

Rohan: Attached to Josuke for the most part, but enjoys most from part 4 and reacts to doubles with a strong feeling of disgust or annoyance, obviously still not interacting.

Doppio: Attached to no one in particular despite kin memories (regardless of my care for Donatella or Trish), but reacts to doubles more out of anger. Just as I said, I just get really angry to the point of shaking and simply try to remove myself from the situation.

Johnny: Who knows tbh lmao. I haven’t done any meditations on this one.

Like I said before, these are just involuntary feelings I get from doubles, I don’t, like, bark at or harass them or anything, they’re all just as valid as I am, but these are just differences I’ve noticed between shifts.

[mcrmadness]

A Masterpost: ALL MY OLD die ärzte (aka Bela&Farin) COMICS (from 2010-2011)

I’ve lately been talking about my art, especially comics, here a lot but I have never posted my OLD old dä comics here! That’s about to change now. The old ones happened in 2010-2011 when I was 19-20 years old, so they are a bit cringy now :D The scans are my old ones so don’t mind about cat hair or something like that in some of the scans. And I know: my hand writing hasn’t really changed in the past 10-15 years at all :DD

And a slash warning (do I really need that with this fandom tho..?) because I used to draw just very fluffy Bela/Farin comics and they barely have any good plots even. There’s just 4 overall in this post and they all are quite short. But at least for me it’s fun to see how far I have come and how I’ve gotten better at drawing!

Anyway, without further ado, this is where it all started:

Bela&Farin - “Du willst mich küssen”

Simply the idea came from the fact I noticed that on the “Du willst mich küssen” single there’s only one additional song: “Die Antwort bist du”, and that one out of all the potential other songs from the studio album. (Now I’m wondering if I should try to redraw this some day to see my progress? :DD)

The rest under the cut because they get very cringy but if you want to read B/F fluff comics and facepalm at my idiotic humour, go ahead and click the read more link.

Bela&Farin - Bela will ein Baby

(eng. Bela wants to have a baby)

This one was the first I did in German and I traumatized myself. I had just started learning German and totally failed everything and an (old) online friend, native German, wrote something that indicated laughing and I felt so insecure about my German after that that even today I have a fear of saying/writing even simple German words in front of native Germans. She anyway “beta read” the plot and corrected every faulty phrase (aka every phrase) and this is what she suggested that I’d write, and that’s what I did.

The plot shortly: Bela just wants to have a baby but he wants it with Farin obviously, so Farin says they’re both men and can’t reproduce together but Bela found a solution: he found them a surrogate mother. Problem solved.

***

Bela&Farin - “Beer Belly”

Prepare yourself for a cringe overload :)) I’m so sorry that you have to suffer through this.

With this the idea came from the live videos I was watching back then - lots of live videos from 2007-2009 and I noticed that Bela just kept growing and losing his belly all the time. (OMG HELP I’m crying because “SQUEAK SQUEAK” XDDDDDD)

Also the ending is... I don’t know what is it. I guess I just wanted Rod ot make an appearance and didn’t come up anything better than this ::D My peak of humour is right there btw: anything that happens at the background. That shit just never gets old for me. So I find that still funny in this comic but I have no clue how a bass can be pregnant.

Also hey, I have started drawing shadows :DD

And yes, Bela actually did have a cow t-shirt like that in some of the videos and I just had to draw it! And btw, the reason for the fluff is probably because the concerts where those videos were from? It was extremely slashy, Bela and Farin barely could keep their hands off of each other so you really can’t blame me for all this. The ship just sails itself.

***

Bela&Farin - “Zucker”

(eng. “Sugar” - this one was again in German because it wouldn’t work in English. This time I think I did all the language stuff myself but I can’t remember for sure so maybe I got help, maybe I didn’t... This is the last one of these old comics and my personal favorite. You can see that my style somehow went through some major changes but I don’t know what even happened there. I can’t remember.)

I can’t get over Farin’s hair in the last panel, I drew it so perfectly and I still don’t know how to recreate that lol. And now I’m losing it at that tiny “XD” in the grin panel because I found it so stupid looking - the first time I had even drawn a grin for him lmao. Also ignore Farin’s arm that has suddenly lost all its color. (Aka: someone forgot to color it.)

THE IDEA for this comic is simply in the name of brown sugar. At least in Finnish that is called as “fariinisokeri”, which always amuses me still after 12 years because I am a bit simple sometimes, and I figured that it can also be called “Farinzucker” in German so of course I needed to make a Bela/Farin comic about it.

The dialog for those who don’t speak German (too well) yet - Bela just goes to Farin to ask for “Farin sugar” and Farin first is like “nope” but then “jk” and they lived happily ever after. Or something.

***

BONUS:

Something I drew with a ballpoint pen once when I was visiting my aunt and cousin and was bored and doodled this. I like drawing repeated patterns like brick walls or apparently also flowers.

And I have no idea where did I draw this - maybe it was something to do with one course through the employment agency as I tend to doodle when in any kind of class. I feel like I had been watching “Die band, die sie Pferd nannten” prior to this, based on Bela’s looks.

And it was back in 2010, I didn’t have a smart phone yet so no internet to use for reference photos :D

***

So, back to the comics - I only made these 4 back then but before this I did draw other stuff and comics too. I drew several of them as horses when I still didn’t know how to draw humans, and I also have one of them as rats too. The rat one might work as a redrawn human comic, tho... Anyway, at some point I got annoyed because I didn’t like drawing them as horses or rats and wanted to invent a “human style” so then one night, this happened:

The texts are mainly just me chanting how I’m dying from laughter etc. That is actually what I do when I am very insecure of what I do and then I just start openly laughing at everything and myself, that way things don’t feel as bad failures than what they actually are :D (And yeah I know the article is wrong at some point, let’s just say I hadn’t memorized all the article stuff from German yet :D I don’t know if I had even started learning German yet at that point.)

But yeah, then I did find the style and these are the next sketches from my sketchbook:

The bottom left says “facial experessions” - and oh my god I was so damn cringe whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy---

but anyway, those were what I ended up with eventually and the rest is history. I think I’m still gonna make one post with stuff I drew in 2018 and that I haven’t posted here yet as there’s still a few of those, too.

[drstrangefictions]

One-Shot

Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Word Count: 3,995

Spoilers: Not that I know of?

Warnings: Changed a little bit of certain scenes for story purposes. Some Anti-Steve, Pro-Tony propaganda lmao. Mention of Tony’s funeral. OOC Bucky. Absolute trash. Make your own assumptions about readers life kinda thing lmao.

“So, we’re supposed to trust him? Just like that?” Sam stood between her and Steve, eyeing Bucky. “Because Steve –.”

She shrugged, cutting Sam off. She wasn’t really interested in hearing the rest of what he had to say. “Steve’s the one you need to complain to, not me. Besides, I’m not even here for Steve. You are.”

Sam looked at her, he was under the impression she was here for the same reason he was, it seemed now that he was wrong. “What does that mean?”

She put her hands in the pocket of her pullover hoodie and kept her eyes forward. “Sorry to break it to you, but my loyalties lie with Stark. He is reasonably upset, for a lack of a better word, with Steve and his decisions and beliefs. I’m not here to agree with Steve, “oh boo-hoo the Sokovia Accords! Wah!” I signed them.” She scoffed, glancing at Sam. “I’m here for the former Sergeant Barnes and I’m here for you.”

Sam took a step back, visibly shocked. He glanced at Steve, who wasn’t giving them so much as a passing glance, but it was apparent he was listening to her. Steve carried on with his business off to the side, pretending he wasn’t the impacted by her words. Sam then glanced at Bucky, who was looking at them as they spoke. Bucky looked as though he was trying to understand them, specifically her and her reasonings for doing things. He wounded her and she still aided Steve in finding him. She had found him moments before Steve to warn him about what was to come and insulted the not-so-safe safe-house. She had successfully confused him. She didn’t seem to care that they could hear her speak either. It was almost as if she wasn’t trying to hide it, Bucky wasn’t entirely sure if that was her intention.

Sam pointed at Bucky. “Him? They guy that tried to kill us?” He looked at her, with his eyebrows raised.

“Meh, I wouldn’t say tried, more like failed to.” She watched a vehicle pull up. “But… yes, Sam. Him. Not Steve and his self-righteous morals. This is the god damn 21st century, this is not a war against Germany or a society you should be conforming to. This is – excuse my language, Rogers – fuckin’ stupid.” She looked past Sam to watch Steve’s reaction.

Steve glanced at her, partially amused and partially sick of the running joke. “Still not living it down I see.” He muttered to himself. He approached Clint, Wanda, and Scott who emerged from the vehicle.

She took her hands out of her pocket and slipped out of her pullover. “It really is stupid and there are not enough words in any existing and dead language to describe it. Swearing like a sailor doesn’t even help! I’m not here for Steve. I won’t keep it to myself anymore, he is self-righteous. Everything he does may be fine back in the ‘40s where he comes from and thinks he still lives, but not here, not now. Not in the 21st century. I’m here for you, Sam. A pararescue who walked back into this life because Captain America asked him to! You know loss, you lost a colleague – a friend. You are a great man and a good friend, Sam.

“I’m here for Clint, who has a family and shouldn’t be fighting this fight because of them and for them. For Clint who I’ve worked with and known for years. I’m here for Wanda, who is rightfully angry that Stark, my true ally, used to produce weapons – those of which were the reason she ended up where she did! I’m here for Scott, who I barely know. He has a kid! Why is he here?! I’m here for the former Sergeant Barnes who didn’t ask to be experimented on, to be “saved” from the fall, to be brainwashed.” She turned to Steve. “I’m here for everyone that isn’t named Steve Rogers because they gave me a reason to help you.” She walked up to Steve.

Bucky was ready to intervene, to pull her away from Steve if he had to or even try to punch her. He seemed to be the only one willing to do so. She approached Steve as if she would punch him or something of the sort. Instead she just stood in front of him. Bucky let his guard down seeing as he was wrong about what she would do to Steve.

“I’m not here for someone who thinks he is morally above everyone in this room.” She put a finger to his chest. “You think Stark is self-righteous? You think Stark views himself above everyone? He does it to hide the fact that he is insecure. You don’t have a reason to do it. Not saying Stark is correct, but neither are you.”

Steve grabbed her hand and removed it from his chest. He seemed unphased with her outburst. “And I am grateful that you are here for them.”

She pulled a small key out of her back pocket and unlocked the gauntlets on her arms. She threw the gauntlets and key at his feet. “Is this the part where we suit up? Because it looks like you all are slacking.”

“You sleep in that suit.” Steve took a step back. “Everyone that doesn’t sleep prepared – suit up.”

“Stand down, Captain!” She raised her voice at Steve, she had never truly raised her voice before that moment. She held Steve’s shield in one hand and had her other hand against Tony’s chest plate. She wasn’t pushing them a part; she was simply keeping Steve from continuing to hit Tony with the shield. “I will do it; you know I will.”

Steve stood up and stared down at her and Tony, seeing how serious she was with her threat. “Why did you come here?”

“It definitely wasn’t to babysit the three of you. I turn my back for five seconds and it all goes to shit, I feel like. Tony should be thankful I decided that following him was the best course of action.” She stood up, keeping her eyes on Tony. Tony kept his eyes on her, even after knowing her for so long, she was still unpredictable. He was on the ground it such a depressing state, she wondered what would have happened had she not stepped in. “You can’t beat the shit out of all of your problems, Steve. I’m taking Tony home, Get Sergeant Barnes out of here, NOW. And don’t you dare contact me unless it is about him.”

Bucky looked at her upon hearing his name slip past her lips in such an aggressive tone. He still was not sure why she kept doing what she was doing or why the only reason she be contacted was for him, but he did appreciate that she was willing to concern herself with him. Ever since Steve figured out the Winter Soldier was Bucky; she had always followed Steve to try to help. He watched her as she tried to hold Tony back from attempting to land another hit on Steve.

“Don’t do it, don’t do it.” She repeated in a low voice, trying to block him without using her powers.

“Steve.” Bucky said, not loud enough to be heard over Tony.

Tony stopped fighting against her and instead pointed a finger at her. “I don’t even know where the begin with you. You signed the Accords and you still ran off with Steve for his buddy over there. Did you know too? Do you know what his friend did? My parents are dead because of him. Do you have any idea what you’re fighting for?”

“Don’t do this now.” She took a step back, keeping herself between Tony and Steve.

“That shield doesn’t belong to you. My father made it.” Tony pushed her out of the way and approached Steve.

She glanced at Bucky. For a brief moment they locked eyes. She looked away from him quickly and turned her attention back to Tony and Steve.

Steve pushed the shield towards Tony. “Take it.”

Tony passed her the shield. She took it but not without glancing at him, she didn’t exactly want to be the one to carry it, but she was prepared to. “Stark, let’s go before I drag you myself.” She clipped the shield to her back and walked past them with Tony in tow.

“I’m sorry about…” Bucky started.

She stopped him. “Don’t.” She turned to look at him. Her eyes looked dull compared to the last few times Bucky saw her. They had always been filled with some kind of rage, excitement, or they were just bright. “I know you mean well, but this is the last thing I want to talk about, Sergeant Barnes.”

“Bucky.” He finally corrected her.

She barely nodded. “Sorry – Bucky.”

He kept his distance from her. Neither of them are very personable nor do they enjoy being close to people. Bucky did it more so out of respect for her, uncertainty of how close to her is too close. “Steve wanted to know if you were going to join us for dinner. He thought it was best that Sam or I ask you because well...”

She exhaled, amused. She figured Steve would send someone other than himself to fetch her. She looked back at the water for a moment, she wanted to stay for a while longer and let her emotions out in the only way she had ever known, but for the first time in a long time she craved interaction and distraction. “Steve is paying, right?” She flashed Bucky a grin. “Only way I’m going is if he pays.”

“I hope so, that’s how he got me.” Bucky smiled, joking along with her. “C’mon, I don’t want to get left behind.”

She followed Bucky. “Is it just us four?”

He shook his head. “Scott and Wanda are joining us.”

“What I’m hearing is, I get to pick a single person to ride with me in my car and Sam gets everyone else?” She jogged to catch up to walk beside him. “If that’s the case, I’ll take either you or Wanda.”

“Is that so?” Bucky looked over at her. “Would it be wrong if I grabbed that seat first?”

She thought about it for a moment. “I don’t believe so. Wanda doesn’t know she had the opportunity to ride with me.”

Bucky sat across from her, he dressed as thought he were trying too hard to blend in. She looked like she had this down to a science, she didn’t look as out of place as he did. Each time he had seen her she had some kind of suit on and was prepared for anything. This time, she looked very casual and relaxed, something he rarely saw from her. She also seemed a bit different than the last time he saw her, but he couldn’t place the difference.

He was silent, trying to figure her out as he has been since he had met her. She disappeared from everyone’s radars almost immediately after Tony’s death. She was untraceable for the following five months. Bucky was concerned, from what he knew about her, she wasn’t the type of person to leave without saying anything – Bruce had confirmed that for him a few months back. He did worry about her, not that he would admit it to anyone.

“You’re staring. I didn’t call Sam to bring you out here for you to stare at me with an expression like that, Bucky.” She said, pulling him back into reality. She had a cheeky smile plastered on her face. “I just wanted to check on you. Steve apparently got old, you’re stuck with Sam, you’re…” She motioned to his entire person. “…you.”

Bucky looked down at the table and nodded, taking some offense to what she had said, but also understanding what she had meant. “I’m me, so you had to check on me.”

“I couldn’t find the right words, I’m sure you know what I really meant though.” She slid him a catalog envelope that he seemed to have overlooked.

“What’s this?” He asked, picking it up.

“Nothing to worry about. I would wait to open it, though.” She flashed him a genuine smile.

Bucky looked at his name on the backside, beautiful calligraphy. She clearly planned to give this to him for whatever reason she had. She also took her time in writing his name across the back.

“I have something else for you.” She handed him a flip phone. “Sam mentioned something about it in the event you need some help. You need a way to call for it. I got everyone you would need from Agent Hill to that spider kid. These aren’t necessarily traceable either.”

Bucky took the phone from her. “You didn’t –.”

“But I did.” She leaned back, cutting him off. “Look… I’m sorry for disappearing on you two for a few months. I had to take care of something that took precedence over everything else. When I spoke with Sam, he mentioned that you had asked about me while I was gone. So… I did this.”

Bucky looked at her, almost feeling guilty for asking about her. Had Sam not told her that he asked about her maybe they wouldn’t be here talking. He couldn’t decide what was a better feeling. “You don’t seem like the type to just leave without saying anything.”

“You’re right, but sometimes it just has to happen. If the Falcon and the Winter Soldier need a hand from now on, I’m available.” She picked up her hot coffee.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Bucky said. “I’ve been meaning to ask, what do you call that power of yours?”

“Ferrokinesis. Or if you’ve ever watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, Metal-bending.” She set her elbow on the table and rested her chin in the palm of her hand.

Bucky sat back. “Remind me not to piss you off, then.” He chuckled.

She smiled. “I would never use your arm… although I did think about it years ago. Never got the chance because of the gauntlets. Had to stick with being thrown onto a car.”

Bucky sunk in the seat; remembering he did toss her onto the roof of a car like a ragdoll. He would have preferred to not have been reminded. “Why did you even have them in the first place?” He asked.

“They were created out of fear. Pierce was one of many who feared what I could do, and it eventually made sense. S.H.I.E.L.D was compromised, had Pierce not been H.Y.D.R.A, I wouldn’t have had them at all. The man who made the gauntlets though, he didn’t fear me. He made everyone believe there was one way to remove them, through Pierce.” She looked at the table with no readable expression.

Bucky understood what she was saying. “You’re telling me, as long as you had the time to remove them –.”

“Yessir. It was one hell of a game I played. Imagine if I fought you without the gauntlets.” She kept her gaze on the table, barely keeping a smile on her face.

Something was bothering her, and he could tell now.

Bucky sat down staring at the envelope. She told him it was nothing to worry about, yet the contents did worry him. He slowly opened it and pulled everything out. A chain slipped out from between some of the papers and hit the floor. A few small photographs slipped out as he picked up the necklace. He grabbed the photographs and looked at them. A few were of his family, and a few were of him and Steve. He placed the photographs next to him and looked at the chain, his military dog tags. He wasn’t sure if he should be angry with her for going out of her way to get the things he has seen so far or be thankful for someone like her doing something like this.

He flips through the stack of papers, some are far more important than others such as a list of living relatives, confidential files on him, documents stating that he is no longer a criminal and instead considered an Avenger, and a check. He had everything laid out around him, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was feeling or should be feeling now. Possibly angry, believing that this is what took precedence over everything else. Possibly happy. Grateful for the trouble she went through to do all of this for him. Skeptical and unsure of what to do about his living relatives and why that was included. Concerned if she had spoken to them and they know. Furious with the check – she has no business giving him that much money – which makes him wonder how she could afford to even do that.

He sits in silence, thinking it over and taking it all in. He doesn’t get the chance to considering making a phone call as his phone starts to ring. He doesn’t look to see who is calling him, instead he just answers.

“Hey, Buck – sorry for calling. I was just calling to make sure the phone actually works! Stupid of me not to test it out before giving it to you, right?” She came up with an excuse on the spot.

Bucky knew who it was as soon as she started speaking. “That’s not why you called.”

She was silent for a moment. “No, it’s not. I just wanted to see if you opened the envelope.” Her voice trailed.

“I did… was this why you left?” He asked. After looking at what was included, he understood why she said to open it later.

“No, like I said, it took precedence. This was kind of just a detour on my way home.” She was shivering, he could tell she was outside somewhere. “Thought you would appreciate some kindness and rewards. I mean… being Sam’s friend probably doesn’t come with rewards. Eh… it definitely doesn’t, I would know, I’m still waiting for my rewards!” She laughed.

Hearing her laugh made him smile. “Why don’t you just do something nice for yourself then?”

“That’s absurd. Oh! I have one more thing for you and I left it outside, I wasn’t able to give it to you earlier unfortunately. You can actually see it from your window because I am the master of this shit!” He could hear her grinning.

The curiosity she fueled compelled him to look out his window… only to find her outside. He pressed his forehead against the glass, disappointed and amused. “You.”

“Me! Yes! Hi!” She waved violently. “I’m the thing outside. And I’m on the phone with you! Bet you didn’t see that one coming!” She laughed to herself about her own genius.

Bucky opened the window. “Aren’t you cold?”

She hung up the phone and resorted to yelling to him. “I would’ve been fine if I didn’t decide to have ice cream before I got here! Do I regret my decision? I’ll do it again! Oh, I have a question for you.” She stuffed her hands in her coat pockets.

“Ask away.” He enjoyed this side of her. Very… interesting.

She swayed slightly. “So… a friend of mine told me you usually ask the girls out. How does it feel being on the other side?”

Bucky was surprised. “Are you asking me out?”

“Well, yeah. I tried to come up with a pickup line when I was planning this. Uh, yeah, I ended up with a wack ass plan of confuse the Bucky, give him things, and freeze to death as I scream at him. I mean, it’s working right? Am I even doing this right?” She smiled.

She definitely is interesting.

“Listen… I might be a little too aggressive, I might come off too strong, and I very much go overboard. Can you tell? And it’s scientifically proven that I also don’t know much about anything. But I do know that I care about you and I would do anything for you. And I do know Sam actually bullied me when I was just crushing on you. Listen, Sam is a terrible wingman off the field… I was so afraid he’d call me out and ruin my life. I – anyway – I absolutely know for a fact that I fall fast and hard and my feeling are wrong 99% of the time. This has got to be the 1% where I’m right.” She was nervous and cold which was an awful combination.

“You inherited the stupid. I’m letting you inside.” Bucky thought about what she said on his was down the get the door for her.

She was already inside. “Door was unlocked, I’m guessing Sam…” She had slipped her arms in her coat and left her sleeves dangle. “You know what made it worse?”

“You did not drive with the windows down.” Bucky sighed, knowing she did.

“I like to feel cool. I will freeze to death before I admit I am lame.” She brought her coat up to her nose and shuddered. “Are you free Saturday evening?”

Bucky looks at her. “You’re working tonight?”

She nods. “Nothing too bad. I changed before I came here. I don’t sleep prepared; Steve is a liar.”

Bucky chuckles. “I wouldn’t think sleeping prepared would be comfortable.”

“I have to disappoint you, by the way. I’m not staying here much longer either. I have to go home sometimes.” She smiled. “I’d like to be home long enough to have a pet. How cool would it be if I just had a whole god damn lizard?”

“A lizard?” Bucky questioned it, even though he knew that was no good.

She perked up. “You never answered what I said outside or about Saturday! We keep avoiding it!”

“As long as you drive with the windows up Saturday.” Bucky said.

“Deal!” She would give him a thumbs up if her hands were not in her coat.

“I don’t agree with most of what you said. You do go overboard… and I have witnessed Sam bully you.” He paused.

“At least you’re honest!” She shuddered. “Fuck!”

He ignored her outburst as he was sort of used to it. “I don’t believe your feelings are always wrong either.” He told her.

“So, am I right?” She squinted.

He looked at her as though she were a special kind of stupid, which in his own opinion she was not. “Did I not just agree to go out with you on Saturday?” He watched her try to be warm.

“I have to confirm.” She slipped her hands back through her sleeves.

“You are right.” He said, giving her a slight smile. He almost felt awkward standing in front of her. He wasn’t sure what he should be doing with himself in her presence. He would invite her to sit down if she weren’t on her way to work.

“Awesome! This is great! Can you believe I’ve never actually done something like this before? I was going to change the whole plan and say something earlier, but I failed and used just used the time in between to work up the courage to do this. I have to go! I will see you Saturday! At… uh… well I didn’t think that far!” She gave him a quick hug. She wasn’t a hugger; she hasn’t been for a long time. Bucky has honestly never seen her hug anyone except for Tony a total of one time. She went to leave and walked straight into the door as she didn’t full the door open. “I meant to do that!”

“Just letting you know; you have to turn the door handle to open doors.” Bucky demonstrated in air, chuckling. He sure as hell wasn’t going to let her live this down.

She swung the door open. “Saturday! I’ll give you a time by tomorrow!”

[crazycookiemaniac]

Omg why are you losing so many followers youve been drawing gay shit for forever??? (Or maybe i as a gay was just interpreting it that way)

Because I literally spammed people every day for one week lmao. And also, a lot of people follow others for specific content. The moment I stop drawing that exact thing they followed me for, they unfollow me. There are also accounts that follow just to make you follow them & if you don’t, they unfollow you after a while. There’s people who followed me for haikyuu & weren’t interested in BC content, and there were people who followed me for BC content but got showered in gay art instead and that was not their cuppa tea. 

But mostly, i start appearing on people’s feed the more I post. So having me post incessantly for one week made me show up on feeds that I hadn’t shown up for  a good while, so there were probably people who forgot they had followed me in the first place & me posting was a reminder to unfollow.

Truthfully, follower counts are dumb. Yes, it is important for you to have a high follower count for you to get attention, but the amount of people actually following you if you don’t have a consistent art style & rarely ever post something with different vibes than your usual ones, is equal or less than 1% of your total amount of following.

My instagram tells me I have 43k. I do not have 43k people following me. I’ve had 43k that once saw my account & pressed the follow button, but their feeds are filled up with other people’s accs that interest them more than mine (as well as my own feed does not show all the content of the 200+ something people I follow, unless I scroll down till the depths of hell to find every single post on that day and then do so on the next day as well).

Essentially, 95% of your followers are there because of content. They want to see what entertains them. Most of them don’t care about the artist and don’t interact with them at all. Many of them are scared to, given the high follower count. Social media & big accounts make people forget that there are other, real, living & breathing people that are behind them all.

So, to many, I was just a random artist they found and “lol”ed at one of my comics & pressed follow without thinking about it. Most of them don’t go to my account and see all other art I’ve posted to see if they actually like what I do, or me as a person and as an artist at all.

People who don’t know this get really discouraged when they don’t earn a lot of followers, or when they lose a lot (like I did). And some people think you gotta have hundreds of thousands to be famous. I’ve seen accs going around that paid for ads, that had over 150k followers and less than 1k likes on their posts.

Truly famous, loved, growing and/or steady accounts have an amount of likes per post proportional to their follower count. For example, if someone has 150k followers, most of their posts will vary from 20k to 100k likes.

When I was growing my account because I hopped in the fandom bandwagon and stupid little me didn’t know that would only make me crash later, I had like 20~30k and some of my posts reached more than 20k likes (because people liked my stupid comics). Nowadays, I’m not part of the fandom that made me grow anymore. I’m part of a very underrated one (Black Clover), as well a I am drawing a very underrated ship (LuGna) that above all else is getting hated on. I have everything against me in this, so it’s no wonder I lost so many followers.

They didn’t wanna see gay art. They didn’t wanna see Black Clover. They didn’t even know what the fuck was going on. Not everyone paid attention or kept up with my warnings. Despite me explaining multiple times in multiple posts what the Thunder Flames project was about, a lot of people still didn’t know what I was doing that for.

The thing about being a big follower count is that, unless you’re actually loved for what you do (and to do that, once again, I need to emphasize that you need to keep a steady rhythm, a steady vibe, a steady you. Because people follow you for your first impression on them, and you gotta keep up to that first impression if you wanna keep your followers.

I’m unsteady. One look at my gallery and you’ll see how disorganized everything is. Oh, lookit, a 1 min speedpaint of a random drawing I did on an old piece of paper! And right on the left there’s a stupid random comic I did–on the right there’s this super detailed, shaded drawing I’ve done that actually looks terrible to me and I will 100% archive it later, and then there’s B&W mixed with gray shaded, flat colored and fully shaded characters of different fandoms + OCs from commissions and whatever else. 

The thing is, I made my follower count based on a fandom, and now that I’m not there most of that follower count does not have me on their feed. And most of them do not want me on their feed. Now, I’m trying to build a follower count for who I am as an artist, because the few people who have actually stayed and followed me throughout the years know how inconsistent I am in terms of art style, fandoms and everything else.

A solution to this would me either keep creating/posting the same thing all over again (just in different patterns), or creating original content (which I do plan on doing at some point). But for now? Since my follower count does absolutely not reflect on how many people actually like me and/or my art, I’m going to be as chaotic as fucking ever and do whatever the fuck I want.

So yes, I do find it comical that I lost 1k followers over this and am not fazed in the very least, especially because I literally foreshadowed losing 1k and hit the fucking jackpot.

The only reason I’m talking about this at all is because 1- it’s impossible not to notice my follower count decreasing, especially because every new 1k I thank people publicly through stories; 2- some people were actually worried I was upset over it and I have to 3- show that I am not, while simultaneously trying to show people that just because you’re losing followers doesn’t mean you have to stop doing what you want to create content to please people. It doesn’t mean you should be upset, and it doesn’t mean that what you’re doing is bad or wrong.

It means you’re fucking renewing your followers & you’ll now grow for what you’re trying to grow for, bitch. That’s what it’s all about.

Obviously, people do take a great risk doing this. I am taking a great risk doing this. I could’ve lost 5k, I could’ve lost 10k. But I only lost 1k! And that’s because I believe in the project I worked on; I knew there were people out there who enjoyed what I was doing and it’s on them that I was focused on. On the people who supported me AND my art, not just that one single funny comic post I did 3 years ago.

This answer is 100% a lot longer than what you could’ve possibly expected for and I am typing this while being awake for more than 24h so I’m sure that I’ve repeated myself a lot and that there are a lotta typos or w/e and I apologize for that!! But I’m too lazy to go back to read everything over & turn this into a neat post & I’m pretty sure I could answer your question in the first paragraph.

Oh and also. Yes. Yes I have been drawing gay shit ever since I’ve become an artist because I’m so fucking pissed at the lack of canon gay content in a way that it’s depicted as a normal fucking romantic couple instead of having eeeeeeeeveryone point their finger to the gay couple and scream “HEY THAT’S GAY!!! THIS CAN’T BE PART OF THIS VERY HETEROSEXUAL SHOW WHERE EVERYONE IS OBVIOUSLY HETEROSEXUAL EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THE CHARACTERS HAVE EVER SAID THAT EXPLICITLY BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT THE CREATORS ARE EITHER HETEROSEXUAL OR TOO AFRAID TO LOSE AUDIENCE IF THEY TREAT GAY PEOPLE AS NORMAL PEOPLE!??!! WHAT SORT OF ABSURD NONSENSE IS THAT??!! GAY PEOPLE AREN’T NORMAL!! THEY’RE GAY AND THEY SHOULD HAVE A GAY SHOW JUST FOR THEM IF THEY WANNA GET SCREENTIME” and yadda yadda yadda.

I’m tired of this bullshit. Ever since I was an artist I’ve been rooting for gay ships in shonen manga while knowing they would never happen just because they were gay, and now that we are in our Blessed-By-Satan, Pandemic-Chaotic, What-The-Fuck-Is-Going-On, We-Don’t-Know-If-We-Wanna-Go-Back-Or-To-The-Future-Or-Just-IDK-Fucking-Die year 2020, in which the LGBT community is thriving and being louder than ever to fight for our rights, Me, in my twenty four years of fucking age, having gone through several fucking disappointments ONLY regarding this matter, am sitting here on my ass, hopeful as all galactic, glittery shit that for some fucking reason, my new OTP formed by very underrated characters from this very underrated franchise in the southern and western communities, becomes canon because my stupid eyes can see chemistry between them even though those stupid haters’ can’t. But that’s because they’re stupid and homophobic, and they really should just shut the fuck up. I don’t wanna dream, I want to believe. Let a bitch pray in peace.

But even if I’m getting ready for disappointment, I’m gonna make this project happen and I’m gonna have a shit ton of artbooks from this Thunder Flames project inside my fucking garage if no one wants to buy them. But I am going to invest a shit ton of money in it and I am going to have these artbooks come to life. Because I am spiteful and petty and homophobes should shut the fuck up, and I wanna do what I wanna do bc as an independent artist, I’m building my future with my own two, very toned and buff by now from all the drawing I did, hands. 

God fucking damn it.

Jesus christ I’m just rambling at this point, I’m so sorry. If anyone ever reads this out of context people are going to be so confused.

But that’s fine. They won’t. You know why? Cuz I got almost 11k followers here on tumblr but less than 0.5% gives a shit that I’m here, so I’m safe.

Have a nice day, drink your water and fuck homophobes. Peace