#I kinda wanna draw but I've had no motivation to start anything all day

[somegrumpynerd]

What ARE they doing??

[elleloquently]

hello!!!! can i request a mini fic fluff ellie helps the reader with her swamped homeworks

| a/n : wrote this in my free time instead of.... you guessed it, doing homework. thank u for requesting <3 this is kinda short n sweet but i hope it will be enjoyed <3 this is dedicated to you anon, and everyone else who is absolutely overwhelmed w class

| c/w : self deprecating talk? kinda but not super serious. established relationship, ellie being a cute gf ): fluff central. kinda elle-coded 'cause reader cries

too soft for all of it - ellie williams

it took you a few seconds longer than usual to notice your phone ringing. you blinked heavily, tearing your eyes away from your bright laptop screen.

“hello?” you finally answered, stifling a yawn.

“babe, the fourth ring? you’re seriously giving me forth ring treatment?” ellie’s voice was a welcomed change in place of the lectures you had been listening to all day.

"sorry els," you muttered halfheartedly. you glanced at your planner, frowning. you had been working at this assignment for hours, at this rate you were behind schedule.

"what's wrong?" ellie asked, her voice softer.

"nothing," you sniffed. "just school. tired."

"are we still hanging out today?" ellie asked, eyebrows furrowed in concern. you hadn't texted her for a couple hours, ellie's first indication that something was wrong.

at her question, an irritating lump began to form at the back of your throat. you were supposed to hang out with your girlfriend today. you were also supposed to catch up on your assignments- it had been an extra busy week and you felt as though you were barely holding on. you had mapped out your week, organized which assignments you were going to complete on which day. however, some things were much harder than you had expected and your brain decided to feel blue this week instead of motivated.

not completing homework meant not seeing ellie, which was undoubtedly your final straw.

"i can't," you choked out, immediately drawing more concern from ellie. "i'm so busy ellie, and i've barely got anything done-"

"hey, it's okay," ellie soothed, automatically in girlfriend mode.

"it's NOT," you groaned, causing ellie to grimace. she felt bad listening to you on the phone, not being able to handle the sound of your voice breaking. "i haven't even started my essay yet, and i have three exams to study for, THREE ellie williams, three!"

ellie held back a laugh, clearing her throat before responding. "i know babe, i'm really sorry. is there anything i can do?"

you shook your head despite being on the phone. ellie heard rustling as you switched your phone to your opposite ear, turning your attention back to your laptop. "i can't do this anymore," you mumbled.

"yes you can, you're gonna get through it," ellie murmured, listening carefully to your uneven breathing.

"i have to drop out of school," you told ellie, rubbing your eye and trying to force the tears away.

"no," ellie disagreed. she felt bad, knowing how much you were struggling. the pain in your voice was enough to make ellie want to do anything and everything for you, but she couldn't help but smile at the dramatics.

"yes," you hiccuped. "i have to drop out of school, and m'gonna be a failure forever. my family will probably hate me and... and my eyes are gonna be fuzzy forever because i have too much homework and i can't, i can't look at my laptop anymore and my head always hurts," you cried, feeling pathetically small at how quickly your eyes welled up.

"whoa," ellie tried to keep her voice even, it was a horrible time to even let out a small chuckle. "i'm really sorry babe, it's gonna b-"

"and my stomach hurts because the dining hall food sucks, i just wanna take a hot bath so bad... everybody needs to leave me alone," you complained, trying to speak normally through the tears. "except for you," you added weakly.

"phew, glad i made the cut," ellie sighed in pretend relief, something that would normally be a quick way to make you giggle.

"ellie," you whined, pouting at your laptop screen.

"i know. how about you pack your stuff?" ellie suggested, already standing to retrieve her wallet and keys.

"weren't you listening? i can't hang out, i have to-"

"quit school and have fuzzy eyes? i hear you," ellie acknowledged. "but how about you come do those things at my apartment?"

your heartbeat quickened at ellie's offer, but you felt too defeated to take it seriously. "i can't," you cried, and ellie quickly turned up the volume on her phone. you were sniffing and your voice sounded muffled.

you rested your head on your desk, gently pushing your laptop away from you.

"you wanna stay at your dorm?" ellie questioned, already knowing the answer.

"no," you sobbed, and ellie winced.

"pack your stuff then, okay? you can come and have a nice bath, and i'll help you with everything, yeah? does that sound good?" ellie coaxed, already leaving from her front door.

"okay," you agreed meekly, standing up from your desk and looking helplessly around your room. "thank you ellie," you mumbled, wiping your tear stained cheeks roughly with your sleeve.

"don't thank me, just get ready, alright? i'll be there soon."

with promises to drive safe, you quickly began throwing everything you needed to bring into a bag. your eyes felt heavy with sleep as you packed and waited, but ellie kept her word and arrived for you as quickly as she could.

you met her at the front door of your building, bag slung carelessly over your shoulder.

with swollen lips and puffy eyes from crying, ellie’s heart lurched at the first sight of you.

"i'll trade you," ellie said in a greeting, automatically taking your bag from you and presenting you with your favorite order from a cafe down the street. you gasped in surprise, eyes welling up with tears.

"ellie," you uttered, looking to her in awe.

"what?" she asked nonchalantly, taking your free hand. "anything for my favorite girl," she told you. you trudged along to ellie's car, gasping when she opened the door for you to reveal a bundle of flowers waiting in the passenger seat.

at first you were silent, but ellie's proud smile quickly disappeared from her face when you finally choked out a sob.

"what?" she panicked, glancing wide eyed from the flowers to your face. "what's wrong?"

you stared at her, tears once again slipping down your checks. "this is so sweet." your chin wobbled as you spoke, and ellie squeezed your hand.

"it's not supposed to make you cry!" ellie rushed. "it's supposed to make you stop crying." she was partly concerned, partly amused as she watched your face contort with emotion.

"it's jus' sweet," you hiccuped, blinking slowly.

"you're sweet," ellie praised, coaxing you into the car. "c'mon, let's get you back so you can rest before you crash, we don't need you to be a crybaby and grumpy," she teased.

"hey," you frowned, sniffing the flowers that you held in your lap.

"hey," ellie repeated. "i'll help you, you're gonna be just fine."

“you’re gonna make me cry again,” you warned, sensitive but holding back a smile.

“uh oh,” ellie grimaced. “let’s get you outta here, waterworks.”

“ellie!” you exclaimed, finally breaking out into a grin.

ellie swelled with pride once you finally smiled, a feeling that carried her through the evening while she helped you get through everything you were stressed about.

by the end of the night, you were feeling much better, especially considering how the day had started.

[vampiremeerkat]

I kinda need some advice (if you're comfortable giving), how does one keep their cool/sanity in the hellish atmosphere that is fandom nowadays? I really wanna get back to fanart and stuff as purely a hobby (and it was a huge part of my childhood) but considering how much of a warzone it is nowadays, I dunno if I can. Got anything?

Don't think I'm the right person to ask, I've not had that many entanglements with fellow fans throughout my online career. It's easy to assume that's because my overall viewership/online presence is low, but I've had the occasional semi-viral success and always enjoyed more praise than "criticism". I'd say fandoms in general are lenient and supportive, but every and any kind of community in the world has an insufferable minority. They shout and have alot of time on their hands, making it seem like you're dealing with a crowd, but that's never the case. Even if hundreds of people jump you, billions walk the Earth; it's not even a fraction of a percent you've displeased. But here's an actual answer to your question: In short:

Choose your fandoms wisely.

Don't overstay your welcome by sticking with one.

Don't join any online communities or participate in ongoing discourse. You're only here to draw.

Train yourself to understand that nothing in life fucking matters anyway. :(

In ｌｏｎｇ: I switch my focus alot. If I attract fans of a particular fandom, but the next thing I show off is less likely to tickle their interest, most will leave again, and it's kinda protecting me from growing an unsettlingly invested fanbase. Praise and attention never motivated me to stick around with one series for long, because I know what's waiting around the corner and don't want to be known as "the <insert this one piece of media here> artist", anyway. Look at my nonsense and go away, I just want to die alone! I'm also not active at any online forums and rarely look up and comment on other people's work. Spares you alot of "who asked you"-styled responses. I might've not when I was younger, but agree with the sentiment now. Unless you come across something criminal, why intrude on someone else's fun. Grumble about it on your account if you must, but don't take it to theirs.. even though it's valid to argue that posting something online is an automatic invitation for others to critique it, especially when you don't apply any form of visibility restrictions. I don't really care to discuss ideas with fellow fans. Weird claim, since my Tumblr exists, but I started this account to post Deviantart stuff. People showed up one day and started asking questions about the fandoms I've been involved in (or haven't), but it's not my hobby to get deep about a fictional property. Without getting instigated, anyway. I think about a question's subject as I read the words, do my best to dissect the whole thing and not throw around one-sentence replies, but seldom have the answer ready in my head. The3Eds was the only forum I enjoyed myself at, and the things I talked about over there barely had anything to do with Ed, Edd n Eddy. In the end, no one will be able to offer you one foolproof strategy on this matter. There've been many artists in the past who minded their business and were slaughtered by strangers. You need to be the kind of person who doesn't take online verbal abuse to bed. That's hard to do if you're looking for validation. You could avoid large fandoms that are known to attract the overly defensive and offensive, but if you have to tiptoe through life for others, what's even the point. Know that the internet is a luxury you don't have to participate in. Log off for a week or so if you're feeling down, or alternatively, delete all comment notifications indiscriminately as you keep on doing your thing.. unless you insist on deleting negative comments, but I don't think you should. Why stop people from embarrassing themselves in public. I don't think I've ever deleted comments, unless it's copy-pasted stuff/spam, because what often happens is that the poster regrets and deletes it themselves. I suppose that has value too. Allow that shit to stay alive, so the poster may one day return to it and potentially realise they're better than that. It's easier to keep your calm when you humanize your critics, if you can. The way a person expresses themselves may be trash, but what is it they're saying, and can the reason be empathized with? Sometimes you're dealing with someone who's obviously a child. I struggle to get angry at people under the age of 20. But really -and more importantly- no one should waste their time on fighting fellow fans when it concerns an issue that's objectively not important, you have better things to do. Try to close your eyes for it, it's seldom personal, even if the attacks try to be. People can pretend, but they don't know you and never will.

[mewtwoandme]

Looks like I'm able to post again! ^^ I saw in the comments of the post TC helped me with that someone had the same issue and it was fixed after a couple days, I've been trying test posts and saving them to drafts to see if they'd go through the last few days and today it just started working again so yay, though with Tumblr I'm not gonna celebrate too much cause knowing my luck something else will happen 😅

But it looks like I'm back for the time being...unfortunately I haven't really worked on anything this weekend...or have done anything remotely productive the last several days other than going to work. My motivation to draw has been dwindling as of late, mostly cause of inconveniences such as this with Tumblr being broken now and then, plus some other real life stuff I've been dealing with...just been having feelings of "what's the point" and been kinda depressed cause, at least for me, it always seems like it's one thing after another, things that prevent me from drawing or doing things I enjoy and it feels like when I do the things I enjoy, I pay for it afterwards cause something bad always happens...so yeah, I've been feeling mentally drained and down in the dumps lately. I hope that this annoying funk I'm in will be temporary, cause I really do want to get back to drawing my stuff and continuing my AU story and all that, plus working on that dub, there's a lot of things I wanna do but I can't help but feel that I'm always so...slow...in getting stuff started and/or finished. I suppose that's something else that I get depressed about too, that I'm not a fast artist and wish that I was, that way it wouldn't feel like it takes ages to post a comic...But I guess on the upside I've been trying to improve my sleep schedule, I've been taking sleep aid meds and so far it's been working, and have been taking more breaks to do other stuff, like playing video games to unwind and even do acrylic painting, it's been awhile since I got to use my paints and brushes and touch a canvas lol so it hasn't been all bad I guess...

My followers: Awww look at her, she's actually taking the time to rest and sleep and doing self care! 🥰

My brain: YOU LAZY ASS BITCH WHAT YOU DOIN'?? You have asks to answer and comics to draw, all those ideas in your head aren't gonna magically draw themselves, get moving! Sleep is for the weak!! (It literally do be like that the majority of the time tho XD)

Well anyways, I can't say when y'all should expect a comic or any art to be posted just yet, since I have none that are finished...the comic dub will probably be the first upcoming thing I'll post, so be on the lookout for it ^^ that is, if Tumblr doesn't break on me again lol

[glamourooze]

I just wanna rant for a bit because I'm at a tipping point rn and need to get this off my chest before I explode.

Ok, so I'm disabled. Hello. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have had it since I was twelve, so over half my life and until the end of time. I am also an artist which my arthritis (lol) doesn't like. If I want to make art then my time, energy, motivation, and creativity levels all have to be in sync along with my pain level. And guess what. They NEVER ARE. I'm in pain rn. My right ankle hurts so badly that it feels like it's going to snap in two, but idk where my ankle brace is or even my wrap, so I have to walk around my house trying to find them. That means I'm putting weight on my bad ankle and/or putting extra weight on my other leg to compensate.

Anyway, I can't find either one to help me, so now I'm in bed and in even MORE pain because the extra weight on my left leg gave me new pain in my shin, knee and hip. Now I have pain in my right forearm and wrist from searching the house. I can't even write or type rn because of my forearm pain. It hurts just typing this up, and I'm going so slow and using my non-dominant hand as much as possible. I want my pain to come after I type, write or draw a lot, not before I get to do anything.

I hate myself for not finishing the art I promised to people, especially art fight. I only got 4 attacks done. That's just 1 a week! I've tried to make things easier for me. I save hands I've drawn so if I'm in a 'pain day' I can copy and paste a few hands instead of drawing them out. Sometimes if I'm not in pain but don't have the energy, I'll just draw a bunch of hands to be used later. Same with, like, bodies. I have a "doll" I guess you could call it, that I drew a while ago that I use as a skeleton for most poses. I already sketched it, so I don't need to hurt myself to get the ball rolling on a new piece of art. I'm also looking into other things to help me like a grip for my tablet pencil so I'm not hurting myself. I tend to grip it super tightly and my hand locks up so I'm stuck in a drawing position. ✍️ <---like that

This is why I barely post art and never publish any fanfics. Most of them are still stuck in my head. I can't get them out because of pain or lack of energy/time. It's a nightmare. If I'm being truthful....sometimes it feels like my disability is keeping me from forming relationships or having friends. I mean, you need the energy to talk to people to even start to form a friendship, and then you need to maintain the relationship. Sometimes I feel like a mermaid and everyone else are the humans I'm not allowed to talk to.

I'm sorry. I feel like I got a little rambly here. And kinda whiny too? Idk. Feel free to ignore me. It's fine. This was long. I’m promise you are not going to hurt my feelings if you ignore this. I just really needed to get all this out.

[ssamie]

five. “team manager”

kozume kenma x fem dazai!reader

(bsd x haikyuu)

tw: mentions of suicide

masterlist.      suicide freak!

"this is the girl from yesterday" kuroo muttered 

it's been a day since the shrooms incident, and it's safe to say she's left a very weird first impression on the boys 

"hi~" she cooed with a wave 

today, she was looking more presentable. wearing the nekoma girl's uniform, with bandages framing her body, all except for her hands and face.  "i couldn't shake her off" kenma said with a sigh as he tried to wiggle his arm free from her grasp 

she simply chuckled and hugged his arm even tighter.  "sorry for the rather strange interaction we had yesterday" she apologised with a sheepish grin  "there was a small flaw in my plan, which led to that.." 

kenma rolled his eyes at her words.  he was the one that had to make sure she didn't accidentally jump off a cliff in her state yesterday.  he had to get her calmed down, and ended up calling a man called kunikida for help since he was in her emergency contacts. 

"what's your name?" kuroo asks with an amused grin 

"l/n y/n. nice to meet ya" she answered 

"so l/n-chan~" kuroo mused "anything we can help you with?" 

"i wanna be team manager!" she exclaimed with a dumb smile on her face 

some boys perked up at the mention of a manager, some pondered over it, while kenma simply let out a loud groan. 

"hah? you? manager?" kenma scoffed and pulled out his PSP  "you'll just try to kill yourself with the nets or something" he muttered with a huff

"eh? do you really have no trust in me kenma?" she sulked  "i mean, i probably would but still!" she huffed 

nekomata stepped forward and smiled at her "why would you like to be our manager, l/n?" he asked. she blinked and pondered over it for a while "hmm, volleyball is something i wanna try i guess." she said 

"but i don't really wanna play. i'd rather manage from the sidelines" she hummed  "so it would be a pleasure to work with you all" she said with a sly smile

she then looked at nekomata and tilted her head to the side, sending him a close eyed smile and holding her hand out for him to shake. 

"if you'll have me, of course" she added in a polite and soothing tone 

nekomata studied her, then her hand, as well as the bandages that ended just a little bit past her wrist. the old man chuckled and shook her hand. "well then, welcome to the team" he said with a laugh 

she smirked and nodded.  "glad to be here" 

"have i ever told you how incredibly intricate looking your fingers are?" she asked out of the blue.  kenma glanced at her as he drinks from his bottle, brows furrowing from her rather strange observation. 

"um, no?" he answered hesitantly 

she simply hummed and studied them even further, making him gulp. kenma looked at his hands, feeling slightly anxious. he then shoved them in the side of his shorts. 

"stop looking at them. it makes me nervous" kenma complained sheepishly 

she chuckled and pulled his hands out of his makeshift pockets. "dont be" she cooed with a smile "you hands are so.. delicate, so soft" 

kenma blushed as she started tracing circles over his palms, whispering sweet words and nothings as she does so. 

"so.." she trailed off, looking at him through lidded eyes, a flirty smirk etching itself on her lips. "s-so..?" he questioned 

"would you strangle me with these fragile, delicate fingers?" 

"ha? 😃" 

kenma stared at her while she stared back. she simply smiled at him as she continued to draw shapes on his palm.  "what the hell are you talking about?" kenma deadpanned 

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!" taketora shrieked. they all looked over to him as kenma raised a brow "can't take what?" he asked 

taketora ignored him and sprinted straight to y/n "l-l/n-chan! why him?!" he shrieked  "why not me?! i can give you my love!" taketora cried "let me love you!" 

she simply stared at him as she drops kenma's hands on his lap. "love..me?" she questioned with a blank smile 

taketora rushed over to her and showed her his hands "i have hands and fingers too!" he exclaimed  "i can-" 

"i don't think she meant she wants kenma to choke her during sex, yamamoto" kuroo intervened 

"yeah. she wants me to kill her." kenma bluntly spat out 

"hai!" she exclaimed "but either one is fine." 

kenma's brows shot up as he snapped his attention towards her. "huh??"

"hm? is there a problem, kenma-kun?" she chuckled “yes. there's a problem, and it's a big one." kenma said "im not gonna choke you during se-" 

"l/n!" nekomata called out, effectively cutting off kenma 

the (h/c) haired girl perked up and walked over to the man "yes?" she asked "so? did you jot down anything while watching?" nekomata asked. the older man patted the spot next to him on the bench, urging her to sit next to him. she hummed and pulled out a notebook. 

"well, may i just say" she started "these boys are very impressive." 

"i don't usually have the motivation to do these type of things but i wrote down everything i've observed" she said "i do hope it's enough" she chuckled as she sat down next to nekomata 

"well then, let's see it" nekomata said as he ushered the boys over to them. "well then, these are my observations, as well as teeny tiny little advices" she says

she handed kuroo the notebook. the captain skimmed through the pages with a look of interest. "okay let's- eh?" kuroo sweat dropped "this is never-ending, l/n-chan" he chuckled 

kuroo flipped through the whole notebook, laughing as he saw each page filled from front to back. "that's a crap ton of info!" taketora exclaimed 

"how'd you even get all of that over a silly practice game" yaku asked, a look of amusement and curiosity lacing his features. 

she shrugged nonchalantly and fiddled with her hair "dunno" she cooed "i guess it comes naturally" she said "i have a job quite similar, so breaking down your attacks and the way you move or play is quite easy" 

nekomata hummed in delight "ah, so we're you a manger before as well, or..?" he asked 

"nope! i'm a detective!" she grinned 

the team stared at her and smiled, same as you would when a child says something crazy or stupid. she immediately snapped her head towards kenma, smiling excitedly as she awaits his reaction 

"are you impressed? will you go on a double suicide with me now?" she asked with a grin. kenma stared at her, unmoving, as he looked her up and down. 

"no." he answered 

she immediately deflated and sulked beside nekomata. "i-i see." she sniffled "i understand" 

"that's nice, l/n-chan!" yaku exclaimed, obviously unconvinced that she was a detective "really nice. it's good to have dreams!" he said as he patted the girl's back

she blinked as she looked down on him. "eh? no, i mean like im actually a detective" 

"i mean i get that you don't think so" she laughed "i may not look much, but im an operative of the armed detective agency" she said.  her playful smile dropped, and was replaced by a stoic look as she showed them a badge 

"eh? seriously?! that's so cool!" lev says as he excitedly jumps up and down 

"heh. right?" she grinned as the other boys starts freaking out 

kenma simply narrows his eyes and clicks his tounge in distaste. "so what about it, kenma-kun? won't it be cool to die with someone like that?" she asks cheekily 

"no" 

"but-" 

"no" 

"fine" 

"no- oh." 

"you'll fit right in, l/n" nekomata said with a laugh. he waved then goodbye before stepping away. kuroo approached them, fanning himself with the notebook as he slung his arm around her shoulders 

"so, l/n.." kuroo said "whyre you so obsessed with having a double suicide with our kenma?" he asked.  kenma sighed and pitched his nose bridge with dread "please don't ask that. she'll-" 

"oh my! i thought you'd never ask!" she said dramatically as she waved her arms about

"committing suicide alone?" she started "oh my, that's so passe kuroo-san!" 

"i've come to realise, that if i were to die.. i will die alongside a beautiful man or woman!" her eyes sparkled as she gawked over kenma, who was looking very unamused at the moment. 

"and i found the most beautiful boy there is! what else could be better than this?" she exclaimed with teary eyes 

"ah, double suicide.. what a sweet ring it has!" she exclaimed "in comparison, it feels so empty to bid this world farewell all by my lonesome self!" she hugged kenma and nuzzled her cheek into his pudding-like hair. 

kenma merely froze as he felt his arms and body get squeezed by her. she was surprisingly strong and had a vice grip on him. "please let me go." kenma muttered 

"no" 

the boys watched the whole withing with varying reactions. most of them were worried for her mental state and well-being, while the others were amused. the 'others', being lev. it still kinda hadn't hit him that she was a suicidal psycho. 

"hmm, you're right, l/n-senpai! it'll be sad to die alone" lev agreed with a thoughtful hum 

"see! he sees the problem with it!" she said 

yaku immediately intervened by kicking lev in the back of his knees, making him fall forward. he also snatched kenma away, making her whine. "give him back!" she yelled. “take me away" kenma said 

yaku huffed and lightly flicked her in the forehead. "the real problem here is the fact that you wanna commit suicide!" he exclaimed 

"double suicide" she corrected. 

"that's not any better!" 

[syinisuga]

Begin Again [MinYoongi]

Pairing : Yoongi x Reader

Word count : 5.2K

Genre : Fluff and Angst

Description : Friends to lovers, Long Distance relationship, Lovers to (?)

Summary : when you thought the friendship you once had with him died away after one silly mistake, and you thought you would never have again what you lost;

But it blossoms back unexpectedly stronger and is slowly growing to be something more beautiful than you ever had

"I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn, and end;

But on a Wednesday in a cafe i watched it Begin Again"

--------------------✨📖✨---------------------

It was the start of a new year and you weren't particularly happy about being moved up a few classes into an entirely new class with relatively new students you haven't personally met yet. You were still grateful for your good results in the past year to have you land in such a good class. In all honesty though, you did miss your friends from your old class, all of them being scattered in the back classes however changed your mind about being thankful that you're at least in a better one. The first few days of getting used to the classes went by rather slowly as you were listening to the introductions of the other students and teachers half mindedly, till around your 4th day into the classes that is.

You were randomly seated in the Chemistry lab by the teacher as she familiarised herself with the rest of the class. Not paying much attention you were spacing out, resting your chin on your palm, tapping away at your cheek.

" Um, hey there"

The voice from the stool next to you spoke. You turned your head to the direction of the voice, being met with warm brown eyes looking right at you. He had soft black hair, eyes slightly puffy as if he hadn't slept well the night before, lips curled up in a slight smile as he looked at you.

"Oh, hello"

you answered, trying not to sound overly shocked at the first human interaction you've had in this new class.

"I'm yoongi, what's your name?"

"I'm y/n, nice to meet you Yoongi"

"So what are your interests? What do you like to do y/n? Any hobbies?"

It definitely took you by surprise when this boy you've never really met before was suddenly making an interest to get to know you more. Something about him felt raw and not shy but in a good way.

"Well i really love listening to music and i do indulge in art as well. Spend most of my time listening to songs while drawing. Draw the mood of the song you know?"

"Damn, haha you sound kinda like me. Not tryna be cheesy or anything but i love listening to music too, I'm shit at drawing tho, i can barely draw a stickman"

Both of you exchanged a little chuckle at his open confession about himself. And even though it had only been a few minutes of words between the two of you, you felt at that moment that he wasn't like the other boys who popped up to talk to you first. This one genuinely seemed interested in you just to make a new friend.

-----------------------🤝------------------------

"Yo y/n you wanna ditch PE and hang out in the library? The new Resident Evil movie came out we can watch"

"You know what, yeah let's yeet"

You don't know how it went from spending lunch times together, to skipping the most boring subjects to hang out and hide. It'd been a few months since you started your new friendship with Yoongi, and by now you were known as the inseparable duo, funny enough both of you became the class representatives. Somehow you two got closer and closer each day, the more you talked the more you felt like you've known each other for years, yet some part of you knew that there was more to Yoongi than he was showing to you.

On a particularly slow day at your classes, you and Yoongi had pre planned to sneak out to hang out at your usual spot in the library. Sitting at the back of the library the both of you laughed at a joke Yoongi made about how almost the whole school shipped the both of you.

"You know y/n, I envy you"

"Oh well, I know I'm fabulous" you playfully said as you flipped your hair back, earning a little grunt and a harmless eye roll from Yoongi.

"It's not that you loonatic, i envy you...cause you have such a nice relationship with your family"

His sudden statement caught you slightly off guard but you gave him a look, clearly eager to know the reason behind his words. Flashing half a smile towards you he starts his story.

"Growing up for me was, well, it was an experience. I grew up under the care of foster parents who constantly reminded me that my parents gave me away cause i was a burden, all my life that's what i was told. Never had a father figure or mother figure to help shape my emotions? Guess that's why I don't show it if I'm sad or depressed, which is actually most of the time"

he looks down at his hands and chuckles softly.

"But you know something y/n? Being with you makes me feel like I could be myself, like I don't have to be afraid of being judged. And that's why I wanted you to know the truth but i understand if you don't wanna get involved or-"

You cut him off by placing your hand on his, giving him a reassuring smile.

"Yoongi, i want you to know that I'll always be here for you and you can talk to me about this anytime okay? You're my best friend now! And I'm hoping I'm yours too?" You ask in a more playful tone making yoongi giggle.

"Of course you are"

"Good! Cause i come in a package deal of crackhead and supportive as well as a no return contract"

"Sounds perfect to me bestie"

-----------------------😚------------------------

Over 2 years had passed and the whole highschool down to the teachers were sure the two of you were in a relationship, as everyone saw the two of you being practically stuck together almost all the time. Yoongi and your friendship became stronger than ever since that day he decided to open up to you. It became a regular thing where you'd confide in each other for emotional comfort as well as motivation and support. Not missing the fact that your level of crackhead together had become an all time high.

Your finals and exams blasted through and you had spent all your study weeks with Yoongi in the library. As sketchy as it was you and your best friend actually did sincere studying. And as it would, your hard work together paid off earning the both of you high marks in your finals. The two of you didn't miss to make a trademark crackhead scene at the receiving of the scroll ceremony when you accidentally tripped on your shoelace and Yoongi cracked up laughing and clapping before helping you up. The two of you celebrate with drinks and a lot of food that night and Yoongi paid for everything to make it up to you for laughing when you fell.

You looked at yourself one last time in the mirror before heading out to your highschool's hall. It was your graduation party but more importantly to you it was Yoongi's birthday. Coincidentally the two events had fallen on the same day, and what better opportunity than to get dressed up to party at your graduation ceremony together. It had been a heck of a ride these last two years, and you were going to make sure this last school event would be memorable.

Upon arriving you scan around the hall of students in search of the familiar face.

"Looking for me?"

He makes his presence behind you known by clearing his throat. You turn around to give your usual playful comment back but the words were caught in your throat as your gaze landed on your best friend. He was dressed smart, in a suit that looked like it was custom made to fit him, his hair in a side part and bangs neatly framing his face. You were so used to seeing him in his casual hoodies and ripped jeans that seeing him in formal wear made you choke on your words.

Too focused on getting your senses back in check, you don't notice how Yoongi's train of thought was stopped dead in its tracks as he watched you turn around to face him. He never pictured his crackhead of a best friend in something other than t-shirts and track pants. Seeing you in a dress that hugged your figure in all the right places and taking in the sight of you, with your makeup and hair all done to suit the dress you were wearing nearly made him pass out from how he was holding his breath to admire you.

Clearing the silence between the two of you, Yoongi speaks up first.

"Well well, you don't completely look like the satanic spawn of hot cheetos and depression today. You actually look pretty good"

Smirking a little smile you bite back at his comment.

"Well same to you too Mr. I'm a millennial emo teen. You actually look, presentable today"

The two of you exchanged a playful giggle and assumed your seats at your class tables as the ceremony went on.

You don't see the small glances Yoongi takes in your direction, the thoughts gushing through his mind about how you looked at the moment and cursing himself for not realising your features sooner. He admired the way you had chosen to dress up today, seeing the way you had styled your hair so your curls would frame your face, the way you had done your makeup in a more natural looking way that he thought suited you perfectly. Yoongi didn't remember when the unlabeled feelings for you came but the longer he looked at you the more he was starting to put a name to the feelings he had. So much so that he had completely spaced out in his thoughts of you like that he didn't realise you were speaking to him.

" -don't you think so Yoongi?"

"I'm sorry what did you say? The umm, the music is so loud"

"I saaaaiiddd it's beginning to get a little dull at this graduation ceremony, we need a little surprise, don't you think?"

"Surprise?? What kind of surprise?"

Flashing a smile his way you get up and walk towards the front of the hall where the ceremony host was finishing up their ending speech. Whispering into the host's ear, he gives you the microphone and you confidently stride to the front. But you accidentally go too close to the speaker and it lets out an unpleasant squee, making you move back and away a little. You look up and around finding your best friend's eyes looking back at you giggling at the scene that just occured.

"Well that's one way to get everyone's attention" you chuckle earning muffled chuckles and words from the hall.

"So firstly congrats to everyone on graduating y'all did it. But that's not why I'm up here right now. Today is a special day for someone, and since it's the last day we'll all be gathering I wanted to make this memorable for him. So everyone I would like to wish out here, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIN YOONGI"

you started to sing happy birthday and the rest of the hall joined in singing with you.

In all this happening, Yoongi could only focus on you, the way you just boldly got up to sing out loud and wish him Happy Birthday in the most "you" way possible. So he didn't know if it was the moment or if it was his unlabeled feelings overflowing for you, that he got up and walked towards you as the song was ending. He couldn't tell what came over him at that moment but he knew for sure he wasn't going to stop what he was about to do next. Cupping your cheeks in his palms, he leaned in, pressing his soft lips to yours. Kissing you with deep feelings overtaking his mind. The moment his lips touched yours he knew what those unlabeled feelings were, it was Love.

You couldn't process fast enough that your best friend was striding towards you with a goal, a desire. And you surely didn't expect for him to suddenly kiss you. Registering the feeling of his lips on yours, your eyes closed on their own as if on automatic response. You sank into the feeling of his lips, and it was then you felt the spark that ignited your own unlabeled feelings for Yoongi. You had definitely asked yourself countless times before if what you were feeling for Yoongi was more than just friendship. On the countless nights he had cried on your shoulder or when you cried on his, on the many occasions where you were both always partners in crime, you would always glance at Yoongi and wonder what more could there be to the feelings between you.

As the both of you slowly pulled away from each other a roaring sound of cheers erupted as it seemed to be that the two of you were the last ones to know you two were actually in love with each other. Taking your hand in his, Yoongi and you ran out of the hall that night knowing well where the two of you stood from that moment on.

-----------------------❤️------------------------

"No babe I think you should definitely take the opportunity to study there, I know it's far but it'll be really good for you, plus it's something you really like! It'll take some time for you to get used to the new place but i know you'll fit right in. In fact i know your wack ass would stand out"

You giggled at his comment but you wholeheartedly took his motivation and advice. But the question and thoughts still lingered in your mind as you heard Yoongi chuckle on the other end of the phone.

"But Yoongi, this means we'd be in a long distance relationship, with you going off to study in the opposite direction and all. Even our breaks don't match Yoongi.. what'll we do" the worrying tone in your voice didn't go unnoticed by Yoongi as he answered you in a calm reassuring tone.

"It'll take some work, but i know we can get through this okay? We'll make it, we can make it. I love you" you smiled at Yoongi's voice uttering the sweet words of love as you felt yourself calm your thoughts.

"I love you too Yoongi. Well then, keep me company while i pack?"

"You bet"

It had been a few months since you started dating, and honestly it didn't feel any different from when the two of you were in your phase of friendship, everything was going relatively smooth apart from the little fights and misunderstandings you had now that you were a couple. Sometimes you sit to think to yourself if moving into a relationship with Yoongi was the best choice, it would feel as though sometimes he would act differently and not like he always would but you just shake of the thoughts. You just figured with all these future college studies and intakes coming about that he was just as stressed as you were. You assured yourself that the two of you would be alright and that you'll always have each other.

A few more months pass and the two of you have already started your college lives. Yoongi being in a campus almost 8 hours away from you with minimal transport for him to even go home let alone plan to meet you. It was going smoothly, settling into orientation and getting to know the layouts of the campus well, meeting new friends and truly taking in your next step in education. You and Yoongi would exchange day to day text messages about how orientation and the first days of classes went.

All well and good till Yoongi's texts became slower and less frequent, he would always say that he's busy with his friends there, or straight up not giving a response at all. You became more and more fearful at how this long distance thing was going to work out for the two of you.

28th Tuesday

[12:27am] hey Yoongi! I hope you had a great day, I miss you and hope you sleep well, love you!

[08:40am] Hey Babe, good morning! I'm in class now, wishing we could skip like old times haha, hope you have a great day! Text me soon

[6:48pm] Hey i just got back to my dorm after classes, it was super fun! How was your day??

[8:11pm] Yoongi?? Are you okay? Are you busy babe?

[8:24pm] I miss youuuuuuuu :(

[10:16pm] Yoongi :(

You tossed your phone to the side of your bed as you felt your tears well up, why was he suddenly avoiding you? Is he okay?? Did he get hurt? Your thoughts were spiraling, getting messier till you heard the familiar ping from your phone. You scurried to your phone to see Yoongi's name pop up on the screen. Your smile quickly faded, replaced by disappointment at his reply.

[10:43pm] Hey, was busy with friends today, going to bed now ttyl <3

You frowned and wouldn't let him go this time. The days of short texts to unreplied texts and this is how he replies now? In a fit of fury you call him.

"Hello?-"

"Yoongi what's wrong? You haven't been replying to my texts as usual are you okay??"

"Mmh I'm fine, just busy with classes and my new friends y/n"

"Well I can't accept that answer Yoongi, I'm busy with classes and friend's here too but I take the time so why can't you?"

"Hey it's not that big of a deal y/n, we're in new environments now and it'll take me some time to settle in"

"Yoongi surely you have at least 5 minutes a day to text me??"

"Yeah of course I do, I just texted you didn't i?"

"That short ass reply was what you call a text Yoongi? It really sounds like you're avoiding me"

"You know what y/n I don't have time for this right now I'm tired"

"No Yoongi, I haven't talked to you properly in days come on don't you miss me Yoongi?"

"To be honest I've been enjoying the new company here that's I haven't missed you much"

"What do you mean Yoongi? You don't think of me?"

"Not all the time no, i have other things to think about here y/n i have new responsibilities here I can't be thinking about you all the damn time, just be happy I texted you back"

"Are you threatening to not text me anymore Yoongi? Is that what you're saying? You don't wanna talk to me anymore?"

"Oh god for fucks sake y/n stop being so clingy alright? Just grow up a little!"

The sound of his voice in heightened frustration made you choke on your words, you silenced yourself as his words rang loud in your head.

"You know what y/n I don't think this will work out, I'm going to get even busier and this will just be in the way of it all"

"Yoongi…"

"I'm sorry y/n but clearly this distance is proving that we won't work out"

"Are you... breaking up with me Yoongi?.."

The pain in your voice and the soft shaky exhale doesn't go unnoticed by Yoongi. Yoongi takes a deep breath, realising he spoke too fast in frustration. As much as he did feel for you this distance was tearing you apart and Yoongi didn't want to believe it but it was the truth. He spoke softer this time giving his side of his explanation.

"Y/n, you've been nothing but amazing to me, but I realize that we were more compatible as friends, I mean think about it, we've had so many petty fights that we never had before we dated. Our growing college life will further hinder our relationship. I don't want to hurt you like this by not giving you the love and attention you deserve. I'll always love you y/n, just not as more than friends I suppose"

You couldn't believe what was happening right now, your world felt like it was crashing down on you hard and fast, you could feel the sharp stinging in your chest from how your heart was breaking the more reality hit you. Yoongi's words had reason to them, but you were still in a state of confusion. Why could you make time for Yoongi but he couldn't for you? Maybe it's because the two of you are pursuing different fields of studies? Maybe he really had better things to do? Yoongi didn't want to hurt your feelings by making you feel abandoned so he was in fact abandoning you? No? But he said he'll still love you?? Your head was spinning a bunch of thoughts ran through your head.

"Okay Yoongi...if that's what would be the best for us..then okay"

"Don't worry okay? We'll still text as usual, talk when we can okay? I won't let you go, you're still my best friend y/n"

You didn't know if his words would be comforting enough, but at that moment you took what you had and calmed your thoughts for now.

"Okay Yoongi.."

"Good, I have an early schedule tomorrow. I'll talk to you later okay? I'm going to bed now. Goodnight y/n"

"Good night Yoongi"

-----------------------💔------------------------

As it will, Yoongi and you slowly drifted apart. You would often see his social media updates about how he was actively participating in clubs, and how he had taken up new responsibilities, going to camps and hosting events at his institute and he definitely seemed to be doing well. You on the other hand fell more and more at war with your emotions, it didn't hinder your studies. Thankfully you could keep those two apart. But whenever it got a little too quiet you'd think of him, the days in highschool when you were inseparable. You missed his laugh, his endearing way of calling you the most heinous nicknames. You definitely missed his comforting arms, his words of encouragement when you were down, you wished nothing more that in this moment you were crying to him instead of because of him.

You couldn't believe that you were sitting here, broken and feeling alone by the guy that made his way into your life, and had now made his way out in the most painful way possible. You were left there clueless and confused. Did he do it for you? Was it the right thing? Did he really think of you? Why was this happening? What would have happened if you didn't date? Would things be different? Would your best friend have stayed? All these questions playing through your mind, countless nights you spent crying yourself to sleep. Thinking of how you felt almost betrayed, you cursed at yourself for sending texts to him that were only left on read or replied with a simple "I'm busy, text you later".

Slowly days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months as you hadn't spoken much to Yoongi. You became stone hearted from all that had happened and slowly you got back into yourself. You were more and more active in your college life and you were growing to be better at controlling your emotions. Sure some little things remind you of him now and then, but it was much easier by now to brush his thoughts off. As sadly as your situation was you learned to move with it and not let it consume you. Every now and then you'd see Yoongi piston updates on his progressively active life and you'd feel happy for him, you wondered if he ever felt the same for you when he saw your updates on how well you were doing.

----------------------🍃-------------------------

It had been a total of 4 years since everything happened, you were on a roll and you had graduated college. You had a few job applications pending and you were more stable with your life by now. All the questions you once had were stored in a box collection dust in the far corner of your mind.

It was a relaxing Saturday evening, you were in your apartment lounging on your bed. As you were chatting away with your friends a familiar ping aroused from your phone. The name that popped up on the screen made your heart heavy and you breathing shallow, a true ghost from your past…

"Yoongi 🥀"

Your screen read. Taking a deep breath you opened the chat.

[9:57pm] Hey y/n it's been a long time… are you free tonight? Can I call you?

You didn't know what exactly to think right now. Every cell in your brain telling you not to. That you shouldn't give into him again, and that you should just talk to him over text no matter what it was. But your heart was screaming for him, the familiar feeling of longing for him returning in a massive tsunami, washing over your thoughts. You took a deep breath to centre your thoughts and decided you'd listen to him and talk to him again.

[9:59pm] Hey Yoongi, yeah I'm free to talk.

As soon as the message was read by him, your phone rang. You took one more deep breath and answered the call.

"Hello y/n, how are you?"

You cursed in your head at how much you missed his voice, the way he spoke to you at this moment had a hint of the same longing you had for him.

"Hey..Yoongi, I'm good. How are you?"

"I've been good too.. congratulations on graduating"

"Thanks Yoongi, congratulations on graduating too.."

"Thanks…"

The silence that fell had you both reflecting on everything that happened and how fast it all went by. The box of questions in your mind burst out once again whereas Yoongi on the other hand was feeling guilt and hate towards himself for everything that he put you through. Little did you know that these last few months Yoongi was hit with the hard realisation that he had lost not only his best friend but the person he cared about the most. His family certainly did not improve and the one person who was there for him when he needed it, he had left broken hearted and abruptly once he found a new escape. Yoongi was slowly flooded with memories of you as he neared his own college graduation. He remembered your highschool graduation and how he felt for you there in that moment of time. He spent a few nights crying at the realisation that he had thought of what's best for you but didn't think of how you felt and how he had left things between the two of you.

"Why Yoongi…."

Was all you managed to say out loud before your emotions caved in. Understanding what you were asking he answered.

"I was so caught up in the new environment of growing up and moving on that I did what I thought was the best to not hurt you...but I didn't think far enough that doing so will indeed hurt you.. and I wasn't there for you like i was supposed to. It took a hard hit to my head to realise that I was wrong y/n… you were always there for me and stupidly I made this mistake… I thought i was thinking of the best for both of us, when in fact i was thinking of myself.. I was selfish and I realised that…so many things reminded me of you y/n, the clouds, the sun, the sight of roses, the smell of hot cheetos.."

You giggled a little at his last comment earning a little muffled one from Yoongi.

"I understand if you hate me for what I did to you y/n… and I don't know if it'll ever be the same between us again.. but I'm willing to try to bring back what we had... if you're willing to give me a chance…"

You exhaled softly before letting out everything that you've been feeling.

"I don't hate you Yoongi, I never could and I never will. You're everything to me Yoongi and I was just really hurt by what you did and how you ended things. So many thoughts went through my head and I won't even talk about how much you made me cry….you dipshit" the playful cursing nickname made Yoongi chuckle a little, slowly making him feel reassured at the directions of the conversation.

"I'm willing to give us a chance Yoongi..and you're right, I don't expect it to be the same as what we had, I just hate that I lost my best friend.."

"I know..i understand that..and I'm sorry..for everything"

"It's okay Yoongi, I'm sorry too… maybe I should've been more understanding…"

"Hey… do you.. wanna hang out Tomorrow night?"

"You wanna hang out?"

"Yeah, i wanna see you and catch up with you"

"Sure Yoongi that'd be nice"

"Great!! I'll meet you at the café by our old highschool?"

"Sure Yoongi, sounds great"

"Right then, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow Yoongi"

You could hear the smiles in each other's voices as you both bid goodnight and hung up the phone. You didn't know what it was exactly but you knew just from that phone call that everything was going to be alright. You felt like you breathed much easier now, your mind much lighter. Yoongi felt the same, he was smiling more now filled with the excitement of meeting you again tomorrow after years.

-----------------------✨------------------------

You made sure to check yourself out in the mirror a few more times before heading towards the café. You had chosen to wear a simple yet stylish outfit, your hair tied back in a low loose ponytail, your short hairs framing your face. You were nervous yet excited to be reunited with your best friend again. And as you approach the café, there he was. Standing outside the door of the café waiting for you. The now slightly more mature looking, dark fluffy haired man, wearing a long black coat was looking just as nervous and excited as he was looking down at his feet.

"I didn't know you needed glasses to see now"

your voice made him turn his head fast in your direction. The moment his gaze landed on you, it felt like highschool all over again. The way you looked standing there, just centimetres away from him. He took in your slightly matured face yet he told himself that you hadn't changed one bit.

"It's official, you're old Yoongi"

He chuckled and playfully scoffed at your comment.

"Well at least i don't dress like the satanic spawn of depression and hot cheetos"

"Sure thing Mr. I'm still a millennial emo teen"

The two of you laughed, and the world seemed to slow down. The feeling that nothing ever really changed between the two of you was knowing, however this time something felt entirely different. Both of you could feel it for sure. It was the feeling of a bond stronger than both friendship and love. You didn't know what the feeling was exactly, all that you knew was that you're never losing each other again. All this while you've been sitting there watching the feelings you had burn and crash in the worst way possible, but today right here at this café, right in front of your eyes you watched everything Begin Again.

[alysmarylin]

The fic you've been waiting for

Crowley avenging his beloved angel - Sandalphon got what he deserved (don't thank me, reblog instead)!!!!!!!!

Crowley and Aziraphale were unpacking the stuff they bought on a big shopping Sunday, and to this very day Crowley can't remember why and how they ended up talking about Aziraphale's, well... Ex-kin.

"I kinda enjoyed Michael", Crowley laughed. "Rather good-looking. Uriel, on the other hand..."

"Don't get me started on Uriel and Sandalphon", Aziraphale rolled his eyes. "I hate their guts"

"Sandalphon was a tough prick, I remember. And uglier than Belzebub", Crowley sneered.

"You don't say. He works in my place now, homophobic son of a... They couldn't have picked a worse candidate", Aziraphale said in a somewhat hurt voice. 

"Don't worry, angel. Soon enough, he will receive some beating from locals, I tell you"

"Yeah, I should've definitely punched that bastard back", Aziraphale muttered under his nose quietly, angrily. 

" Yeah, you bet...", Crowley laughed and then stopped abruptly. "W-w-wait, wait-wait-wait. Back? What do you mean, back?". Crowley stood up from the floor and stepped up to Aziraphale. 

" Nothing, really"

"No, not nothing". Crowley's eyes were widened in shock. " Do you mean, that, that piece of shit HIT you?!"

Aziraphale lowered his eyes. It looked like the memory wasn't pleasant. Crowley was gasping.

"When? When did it happen? How come I didn't know?", Crowley was not yet angry but more frightened. " Angel, look at me. Talk to me. Someone battered you and I know nothing of it?!"

"No one battered me. I was walking back to my bookshop and Michael, Uriel and... And he approached me, I was questioned..."

"Where the Hell was I?" - Crowley asked, astonished.

"You drove home", Aziraphale said quietly and sadly.

Crowley tilted his head backward and sighed with despair. "I should've known... ". He lowered his head and looked at Aziraphale with sadness and pain. Aziraphale looked confused and lost.

" What did he do? Tell me, angel", Crowley stepped closer, putting his hand on Aziraphale's arm, leaning closer. "Tell me. He's dead"

"Don't you dare, Crowley, we got away and I won't..."

"What did he do to you? What? Why didn't you tell me? I was up there, I saw him, I could've..."

"Because I didn't want you to", Aziraphale answered bitterly. " I needed you to be concentrated and cool-headed. You freed me from them, same as I did for you. That's all that matters"

"No, it's not. You look sad, you look hurt", Crowley said, cupping Aziraphale's cheek. " Otherwise you would've forgotten".

"He punched me in the stomach, alright?", Aziraphale said with a lump in his throat. His lower lip trmbled a bit. "It wasn't as painful physically as it was humiliating".

Crowley looked down on his angel's belly - soft, beautiful, beloved and precious - and everything before his eyes suddenly became red as blood.

"I told you because I trust you, but if you dare approach him or pull out something stupid like that, I will leave you, Crowley", he heard Aziraphale's voice from some distance.

"Do you hear me? Answer me, Crowley"

Crowley felt his head filling with lead from within.

"I will not approach him. I swear it"

"Good", he hears Aziraphale say. " I'll finish unpacking"

Crowley stopped Aziraphale, holding him by the arm. He embraced him from behind, wrapping one of his arms around his chest and putting his hand gently on the angel's belly. He buried his nose in his soft blonde curls and muttered: "I love you".

"I love you too", Aziraphale answered softly, "Now let me finish".

Crowley looked at him, picking up paper bags and arranging the stuff around the room, looking small and soft and lovely. Somehow it made his silent rage all the more burning and red became crimson in his eyes. He swore he wouldn't approach that sick fuck who laid his dirty hands - no, he couldn't bear to think of it - on Aziraphale

... But he said nothing of his friends.

***

Crowley pulled his hood further on his forehead

"Pleasure to see you, Jay. You look like a heroin addict in that hoody", said Phil. 

"I have to hide my hair somehow. Rare color"

Crowley was nervous and feeling restless.

"Yep. You're drop-dead gorgeous lad, we get it. To what I owe the pleasure?"

"I need to track someone down. Name's Saldanphon but he changes his IDs every now and then. You'll have to check for anything similar. Don't have a picture, but I draw him", Crowley laid a piece of paper on a table. The drawing looked fairly accurate. " Looks middle-aged, a bit fat, bald, ugly, has a golden tooth. A homophobe might be hanging around gay bars and the likes to preach or intimidate or whatever he does. That's all I have as of now".

"Well", Phil sighed " It's doable. But it will take a while. Any family?"

"No, none at all"

"I see. The golden tooth is indeed something". Phil looked at Crowley's hand. "You got married?"

"Ugh, yeah", Crowley answered looking around. " You know how to, ehm, tell me of the progress?"

"I've been around longer than you", Phil said wearily, and Crowley had to keep his mouth shut on that remark, " You'll know when I find something. Just one more thing. This, ehm, funny-named morality apostle. What exactly are you planning? He's gonna go?"

"No, not go", Crowley said with sheer disappointment "Plainly be taught a lesson. He put his shitty hands where he shouldn't have".

"Are you gonna call our mutual friend?", Phil raised his eyebrows. " If you want to make it clean, it's the best way. They'll never track his men down. Just food for thought, Jay. A piece of advice from the old man"

"That sounds reasonable", Crowley nodded, as if he had had any idea what to do next when he came to Phil, " I'll think about it. Thank you. Wanna count?". He put a book - a fake book, of course - on a table.

"Here? Oh, please. Trust me, if I don't find what I intend to find here, you'll know", Phil put a book in his bag and stood up. " Have a nice day, kid. Next time, wear something else"

Crowley waited for ten more minutes before leaving the diner. It was only when he was in a crowdy underground station when he put the hood off. He had to be cautious. For everyone's sake.

 

***

 

"Do you really think it's a good place, Jay?", said a tall and broad bald man in a leather jacket, trying to sit comfortably on a bench by a pond.

"The best one, in terms of privacy", said Crowley, looking grimly from his hood. " So. You said you owe me a favor all the way back from 1999. I didn't need anything for a long time, but now..."

"How do you manage to look so young, you sick bastard?", the man asked, chuckling, trying to look at Crowley's face. " You look just like my son, and that sad excuse of an heir is 27 now, not something you could tell by the way he speaks, though, I'd give him 10  in that department, still... How old are you, anyway?"

"I use a strong sunscreen. And I have good genes. Good, hardworking Irish people, my entire family. Will you listen or not, Patsy?"

A bald man stopped laughing and sighed.

"Of course. What seems to be the problem?"

"Our mutual buddy, Phil, tracked down a guy I need you to deal with. Here's what I've got on him", Crowley took a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to a man without so much as looking at his side. " I want your people to teach him a lesson. He's gotta stay alive. I can't be seen. But I need to watch it from a distance. I know you're ready to do this, but still" - Crowley took out something that looked like a book and put it on Patsy's lap still without looking at him - "this is some additional motivation for you, or a token of a good will, if you wish to call it that way".

Patsy put down an apparently-book-thing in his suitcase and opened a piece of paper. He looked at Crowley, frowning.

" What kind of a lesson do you want him to be taught, exactly?"

"If your boys will do it properly, he'll need new teeth", Crowley said, finally turning his head to his counterpart, looking him in the eyes from beneath his shaded. "The whole damn package. And the old ones, I want to have them. Every single one. Especially the golden one. No internal bleeding, no injuries to any organs. You can break a couple of ribs, but carefully. As you wish. But I need his teeth"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jay", the Patsy man said, looking flabbergasted. " What did this son of a bitch did to you so you became such a butcher"

"He laid his shitty hands where he shouldn't have", Crowley hissed, grinding his teeth. His hands clenched in fists.

" You didn't tell me you were married. Was this your wife?", Patsy asked warily.

"I have no wife, but I am indeed married", Crowley answered. " I know you're one of the few people of your occupation who don't look down on things like that. I love him. But I swore I won't touch this bastard myself. I don't have much choice, Pat"

"I'm sorry it happened to your, well, spouse", Patsy said carefully. " But the guys that I have in my crew are not as open-minded as I wish they were. You know it yourself. Ours is not the most prestigious job. I'll do this favor, but when you're sitting in a car with them, better keep the personal personal". 

They shook hands.

"I'll be waiting for your call. You know which number to call, and which not to", Crowley said, standing up. "I'm looking forward to seeing your team at work".

 

***

 

Crowley was staring into the field glasses, trying looking at two tall men in leather jackets dragging a bald man resembling Sandalphon, gagged and tied up, to a torch on the abandoned parking lot. The jeep where Crowley and his associates were sitting was right in its darkest corner.

It was Christmas Eve, the 24th of December. The snow was falling gloriously, but the place was too grim and damp for the fairy-tale-like spirit.

“You see them, Cap?”, a young driver, sitting by Crowley’s side asked.

“It looks like him, but I need insurance. I remember his voice. Call them”

One of the guys on the backseat dialed a number and one of the bouncers took the phone.

“Our cap wants so be sure it’s the guy. Let him speak”

He turned on the speakerphone. Soon enough Crowley heard Sandalphon screaming something like:

“I’ll give you anything you want, please, untie me, I need my hands, I…”, before Crowley nodded and Sandalphon became silent again. The phone was turned off and Sandalphon was dragged to a small staircase, and Crowley had to pay very close attention, looking into field glasses again, to recognize what was going on.

“Are you sure your people can do ALL the teeth in one go?”, he asked a bit unsurely.

“You insult us, Mr. Jay. It is our signature. One strike, all teeth. Leaves a strong message”, murmured a young man behind him.

“Well, then…”, Crowley started, but then he saw something rather outstanding, that made him make a certain sound: “Oi, woah… That was surprising… Alright, gentlemen, pardon me for my previous skepticism. I take that back. On second thought, I even refuse to take, the, ehm, the evidence”

He then heard his phone ring. It had to be Aziraphale. He had to answer. He quickly took the phone and blurted:

“Angel, honey, I can’t talk, I’m very busy, buying you a surprise, I’ll call you back in ten, love you”, without letting him even say a word. He figured out it would be more secure.

“Wife?”, asked a second young man, with a smile.

“Yeah. Sort of. Listen, I think I’d rather be going, are they done with the teeth? At the end of the day, I’ll think I’m more than happy without them. I don’t wanna take ‘em. I saw what you did, it was amazing. Drop me at the underground station, please… Else my, ehm, spouse, will be suspecting something, which I don’t fancy, like, at all”.

 

Crowley was very relieved when they drove away.

 

***

 

Crowley thought he had never had such a lovely Christmas morning. Angel was by his side, in his lovely tartan pajamas, they were tucked under the blanket, sipping tea and lazily switching the channels on telly.

“I thought I hated Christmas”, Crowley said quietly, as he lowered his head to Aziraphale’s, planting a soft kiss on his temple. “Now you made me love it. What next, angel?”

“You’ll stop wearing all black?”, Aziraphale answered, with a sarcastic smile.

“Naah, not in this life and not in the next”, Crowley said leisurely, switching the channels. Then he saw the news.

“… The victim of this horrific Christmas assault is alive, but severely traumatized – his teeth were…”

That was something Crowley didn’t account for – the bloody news.

“Ugh, what is it with these people”, he said with a trembling voice, trying desperately to sound casual, turning the telly off. “It’s only violence on this television, I’ll better put on some music. And make you some tea”, Crowley said, standing up.

“Dear boy”, Aziraphale said softly. “I’d like some tangerines. Would you be so kind as to bring your husband a plateful of those?”, he smiled. Crowley looked like he was melting from the inside.

“Every time you say the h-word I can’t say no to anything, angel. I’ll be in 15, a’right”

Crowley sighed with relief as he stepped into the kitchen. He was off the hook now, but some time from now, the angel might still learn about what happened. Will he be able to understand?

“All I did, I did for you”, Crowley thought in pain. “I love you so much I couldn’t stop it. He had to pay, my love, he had to”. Crowley felt tears fill his eyes, as he was putting tangerines in a bowl, but he was able to will them away. “I’d kill for you, I’d die for you, Aziraphale”, he thought with anguish. “I hope you know that whatever comes. I hope you will forgive me for what I had to do”.

 ***

 

With Crowley gone, Aziraphale was finally able to read the newspaper.

 

“Broken teeth, that’s a good take”, he thought smugly, as he read the weekly crime report. “See, Sandalphon. What goes around, comes around, next time you want to apply brutal force to your… arguments, better remember this, no? Though I doubt there will be the next time”

Aziraphale smirked. What his husband lacked in logic and cautiousness, he made up in loyalty and protectiveness. Blind loyalty and fierce protectiveness.

“You’re such an idiot, Crowley”, Aziraphale thought tenderly. “Really, A-J? To think I wouldn’t know? Me, famous Mr. Fell of Soho?”

That very evening, when he received a phone call from Phil and heard of some “heroin junkie looking” guy calling himself “Tony Jay” or “A J”, or, God have mercy, “Jay”, of all things, he knew it has to be Crowley.

“Wearing a black hoodie on top of his shades, really. It’s a miracle he didn’t get busted for drug possession”. Maybe it was indeed a miracle.

Truth be told, he wasn’t angry. He couldn’t approve openly, but there was a certain warmness in knowing that a homophobic golden-toothed prick who assaulted him now got what was coming for him.

“But I can’t encourage this sort of behavior in Crowley”, he thought, hiding his smile. “Now, dear boy, you need to control your impulses. At least, most of the time”.

Still, Aziraphale knew that he was one of the luckiest men – well, not really men, but… - alive, for his partner would stop at nothing to protect him.

“If only he would’ve acted a bit cleverer… Well, I suppose you can’t have it all. He’s beautiful, caring, kind, sweet, fiercely loyal and sexy as Hell, in the most literal sense of this word. It’s only natural he has to be a complete idiot to not let me forget myself. Oh, he brought me the cannoli the other day… This boy watched The Godfather too many times”.

 

“Angel!”, Crowley said, entering the room with a bowl full of tangerines. “What are you smiling at?”

“I’m thinking about how lucky I am to have you, dear boy”, Aziraphale answered with a loving smile.

[ask-aph-baltics]

(Apologies if you've answered this before) Sometimes I consider starting to learn how to draw, but I've been on the fence about it for a while now. Any tips for how one could get started in drawing based on your own experience? Your blog makes me smile have a lovely day/night :)

Aww, that’s so nice! Thank you! I am really passionate about the thoughts of mixing history and culture with characters and stuff. XD So I am having a blast, much more than I did trying to work with the loose canon of Osomatsu san.

So I started drawing when I was about 12 or 14 or something in that age range and it was because my friend and I had OCs that were wolves and lions and we just wanted to share our stories and character designs. At first I just did from memory. I really liked South Park too... so my first sketch book was just South Park.

Dragons and Wolves and stuff too cause yeah. I just did it from my head. Which worked, I got ideas out and even though I would be 12 with these I guess, uh. Yeah. I learned to draw South Park by watching it and drawing along. Back then in 00s we didn’t have Youtube. So now I would say, go and look up drawing tutorials for youtube and stuff. I later in about 06 or so got into anime (who doesn’t) and started to just try to emulate Detective Conan style shit...

I again, still, had NO technique or skills. I just watched Conan and looked at the manga and picked up and a lot of my first stuff was just reproductions...

I also didn’t have a computer, nor any drawing tools... so I didn’t know about layers and I didn’t even know about how to draw traditional besides just a pencil... so all of my stuff was just that.

I pretty much stuck with Pencil Renderings and MS-Paint with a mouse. -- Sorry this is long winded. My way I started and got into drawing is so different than what people these days can do... because you guys, everyone, almost, has a digital tablet at their disposal (you can use a smartphone to draw on!!!) youtube and a sea of references that load fast as fuck. Servers and forums with fast advice and people there who wanna help. Not slow forums or anything.

So the best tip is just draw what you want, regardless of if it’s ‘good or not’. - This is, if you want to just produce for the sake of putting your ideas out there. If learning actual technical ability is what you want to do instead... 

Start piece by piece, always use a reference, Look on youtube for beginner drawing tutorials and just kinda follow along like bob ross style. Watch how people IRL move. Think of everything as tubes and shapes.  You wont get good overnight. You wont get good in a few years. So much goes down to muscle memory too. Take your time. Especially with digital, you can constantly go back and make adjustments. Don’t be scared to do that with layers!! Resize, crop, adjust, fix,. Not all works need to be finished. Sketching is the best way to learn. Don’t spend too much time on something sometimes. Sometimes it’s best to just do lots of fast sketches!

the first part you should do is learn how to do simple shapes and burn that into your muscle memory. learn to make a pattern for how you draw things because it will help with consistency in the end.

the most fun time I have drawing is sketching... sorry, i hope this is at least motivational in that we all start from SOMETHING and get somewhere even if we don’t practice dilligently... my art quality began to falter around 2014 or so and has stagnated for the most part.... my stuff in 2009 was actually better than it is now in a lot of ways, especially the colouring and stuff.

(this is from 2008 before my passion was completely removed from my body by my teachers, obivously i know better about perspective and stuff) but I actually used to have fun trying new things. So experiment A LOT. Now I can’t really be arsed...

(this is one of the last pieces I actually put some effort into and it’s date 2015. There has been a few others here and there but this was a try at a very angled 1p perspective) Also I drew with a program that came out in 2002 until 2015 so!! (now I use CSP)

i doubt i helped. but just start. just start by putting your ideas somewhere out there.

[tentacledillydoo]

Another small vent about art, myself, my goals, future and life stuff. i just dont wanna post it on my IG spam

My art keeps bothering me and I constantly feel like im 2 steps behind everyone else,, I used to be on top of the world 2 years ago or even like last year, improving and getting more dynamic, trying new things out but. I constantly feel stuck . My art isnt bad but its loke. Its constantly lacking something and I know what its lacking, i know what I need to do to improve but i just never do it. I havent had that motivation in so long now.

Two years ago when I made Bee i had the goal of creating something i could be proud of; a story, a good story, with a character that would be lovable and memorable, something that evoked feelings... I wanted to do that with my art and with the story. Now I do that with Frankie and the mafia ocs, not to the extent i want but I know I'm able to clearly portray his character and intense emotions in a way that actually evokes those feelings.

I'm just not where I want to be. I always feel like I could do better, like I want to do bigger things. I want to create something big, something good that people will like... My art is not where i would want it to be at /all/. I cant find a proper style I'm truly 100% content with and Im just. For the past few months Ive just been sitting on my ass with barely any motivation or will to do anything.

Figuring myself out has kinda gone hand in hand with my artistic stuff, and in general terms realising I not trans helped me a lot. In general terms, that took a big weight off my shoulders; I no longer feel that sort of dread and sorrow, the anguish that comes from not passing, or the stress of worrying about things like surgeries or T. All that. Im happy as myself and I dont have to restrict myself. It was supposed to reflect in my art, i wanted it to be a new start for me, I wanted to be better from that point,, idk. Just like i stopped restricting myself in my everyday life, i wanted to stop holding back in my art.

Im very tired of these BPD episodes, the mood swings. But sometimes I feel like i should be thankful because theyre basicslly the only thing that gives me the energy to draw. The periods of time where I feel so down or empty or just awful and then the sudden bouts of so much energy and being on top of thr world that last a few days at most. And then just nothing. Just; numb, bored, uninterested, unbothered.

I linked my past experience with identity with the whole thing in BPD about . Not having a sense of who you are. And its true. I feel more comfortable now, but Im still... I dont know who Im supposed to be or what Im supposed to be. I wanted to be an animator; i wanted to go to University, i had goald and aspirations I was so sure of, I knew what I wanted. But look at me now. I havent turned in my college work, I've given up. I dont even find the same joy in drawing. I havent applied to University because I dont even know if I wanna do animation anymore. Hell I dont even know if I wanna go to University anymore. Any time someone talks about it it just irks me. I dont know what i want to be anymore. Im 18, i should.. know, what I want to do, where I wanna go from here. Yet I have absolutely no clue. I dont understand myself.

Every time I try something new I feel its just to fill the void. To see if theres anything that will give me some sort of indication of what i can do or who i can be. Volleyball, the piano, knitting, sewing, painting, writing, photography, cooking, making things. I fixate on things for a short while and then get so bored.

Is it bad to say I feel jealous sometimes? Maybe even upset? Everyone has a goal. My girlfriend has goals and shit. And it makes me feel so.. off, that I have no clue what im doing. I dont like feeling like I might just be a burden. I dont even know if I should be here in the first place. I dont understand why I cant be like my dad; he has so many hobbies and things hes good at and he puts them into use in his everyday life.

Im just so irritable I dont even know how to deal with it anymore tbh. I get so annoyed at anything or anyone, and I just snap so quickly and then feel guilty about it. I cant even draw something wrong without breaking down and angry crying about it.

I dont take any risks with drawing because I know the moment I do something wrong I will get incredibly upset about it and cry. And maybe thats why Im stuck. Idk. I want it to end so I can do something. I really want to make somethinf important and meaningful. I dont know.

Anyway. Im gonna go have lunch and then I gotta take my meds.