#I learned about her life from her computer and jeez talk about trauma

[theskeletoninthegarden]

I had a dream where I was playing as a thief tasked to find out the truth behind the whereabouts of another criminal on a college campus. It was fun in that I was given an overall objective, but absolutely no one gave me an idea as to where to start first. Basically a lot of it involved either me figuring out how to B&E into different offices, or eavesdropping at the right time, but there were other hired thieves that I had to deal with at the same time that added an element of "combat" to the experience.

[mcjour]

ok

set the scene: we were eating dinner

lol

she turns to me and asks me a question. it was something along the lines of like do you miss your dad or do you feel sad on fathers day or something.

which ughhhhhhhhh this is NOT dinnertime conversation. but i could tell where this was coming from. her dad passed away about 2 years ago. so fathers day is still kinda raw for her. 

and she said that. not in those words exactly. but she said she was in the area and she stopped at the cemetery so she was wondering. 

so i was a little annoyed but i went along with it. whatever. and told her the truth. that i really don’t think about him and i forget fathers day is even a thing. so not really. unless i like really sit down and think about it. and then it’s kinda sad yeah.

maybe i’m forgetting a transition or something but the next thing i remember is she’s like yeah, i remember when you were in high school. and you posted on social media about him taking you on a lake and feeling uncomfortable.

and boy was i seeing red!!!!! i was literally SHAKING that was how angry i was.

you see, i did not post that on social media. or i guess i did. i posted it on tumblr. which idk, yes, is a form of social media, but is a different, more anonymous form of social media. but i was using tumblr as my diary. (like i literally am right now lol). maybe that’s stupid, bla bla bla nothing’s really anonymous, putting stuff on internet forever. WHATEVER. 

i already got mad about this before when it first happened. when she first let slip that she read my tumblr. back when i was in high school. i literally ran away when that happened. so violated. i had no reason to think that someone in my house was opening up my tumblr account and scrolling around and reading through all my posts???? what the fuck??? 

Like I said, that was my diary. that was my rawest thoughts. she was so pissed at me back then, because i would write about her. uhhhhh what else would you write in a diary about????? i’m not broadcasting this to the world. i only had a small amount of active followers. not many from real life, maybe a handful. and most of them were friends anyway. so it’s not like i’m telling my cousins or the town or idk who the hell she thinks i was talking to. nobody. i was just talking to me. if literally one person wanted to read and “like” my post, good, i appreciate the validation. at least somebody was listening (uhhh .. i could say something here but i won’t). but like, i swear to god it was basically a private diary, for me.

and a journal/diary was so important for me back then. i was really truly fucked up and i needed to clear my mind. process on paper. and honestly her snooping really fucked me up. because what used to be my safe processing was now destroyed. deemed unsafe. my world was flipped upside down. my secrets, my vulnerable thoughts?

why didn’t i do it on paper? clearly bitch is a snoop! nothing was safe. yeah i could tear it up afterwards but i wouldn’t be surprise if she jigsaw puzzled it back together. also that defeats the purpose. i didn’t know it at the time, granted, but cptsd means my memory is utter shit. i appreciate reading through those old posts now because frankly i wouldn’t remember any of it otherwise. and tumblr vs microsoft word? again, someone could easily snoop through a word doc. and like i said, i really didn’t think anyone else would not only think to go onto tumblr, but then to have to figure out how to navigate to my blog, and then find my posts among like the stupid ass memes. like..????????? what

and actually now that i think about it, i wonder what other ways she snooped. like i stayed logged into facebook, did she read my facebook? when the hell did she even have the time for this anyway?

so anyway, i remember the post she was referring to. my dad moved to this house across the street from a lake. and he took me out on a boat. and it was just me and him. and i was kinda weirded out. i think i had just learned the dark history of my family or whatever LOL. so thinking about how he was actually a r*pist. so i think i was sitting in the boat being like oh great, like i’m literally in the middle of the lake with nowhere to run to, he could just r*pe me here and i couldn’t do anything about it.

ok. i know. that’s a big leap. but i was what, 17? and dealing with and processing a lot of shit. And like i said, i had just learned all this bad stuff about him. maybe it was the first time i had seen him since then? i don’t know

regardless... i wrote about it because duh processing. it was a very vulnerable raw thing like i said. it was such a stupid post. or maybe i think that now that i was “caught”

anyway..... i was mad. i still am mad. i was pissed when it happened and now i’m pissed knowing she read A LOT and pissed knowing that she has been holding onto all of those things that she read for all of those years. i mean, i guess i wouldn’t have expected her to magically forget but what the FUCK

and so yeah that was a traumatic experience in 2014 and here i am reliving it in 2021. like i said, literally shaking

i don’t know how i held it together but i did. i wanted to yell at her for violating my privacy (do you know she had the AUDACITY last time to say that i “left it up on the computer” BULL FUCKING SHIT. I mean i didn’t log out, that’s true. but i would NEVER be so careless as to leave tumblr open on the computer, least of all on a personal post like that!!). and thank god i didn’t say anything because i am sure she would have echoed the same thing about how i ~left it up~ or whatever BS. 

god i’m getting enraged typing this out

and a shame too, we were eating leftover chinese food, which is always good. i had already eyed the seconds i was planning to grab. but now i was nauseous and lost my appetite.

then she was going on about how he used to be a great dad when we were little and like yeah when i was little i would’ve agreed. we played barbies or whatever the fuck. but nowadays i know better. so i’m like um well even when he was a good dad he was a bad dad. and shes like what do you mean? and i told her the ~classic tale~ about how my dad tried to tell us about his sister and i was 3 or something so i asked a dumbass question and i remember hiding under the table from him and my brother has told me “oh yeah that’s when he threw me at the wall.” so like .... yeah... i told her that story

and then she has shocked pikachu face!!! wanted to slap that right off lol. because part of me thinks there is no way she didn’t know/ hadn’t heard that story. fuck off. but ok, maybe she genuinely hasn’t, give her the benefit of the doubt. well jeez what’s so shocking about it????? you knew he was abusive so?????? like why would it be surprising that that happened. oh yeah, it’s not.

anyway idk what i expected. i think she said like “oh wow i didn’t know that” or something. and then went on and talked about his sister, talked about his dad, how she got in a fight with him over a newspaper article????? whatever. ok. so this was never about me at all. you didn’t care to listen to what my answers were. you just wanted to talk about you and your dad and literally anything else.

so i get hit with the double whammy. the privacy violation flashback with one hand, the use as a therapist and exploit your trauma with the other

so yes, i was shaking. by the time i was going to clear my plate, i was near tears. thankfully was able to hold them in (but never let them out after.. oops). but by the time i got upstairs i really couldn’t breathe properly.

strangely but luckily, my cat was already on the bed waiting for me. i mean, she is on my bed all the time, it isn’t SUPER strange. but usually she goes straight under the bed and comes out from under eventually (*at this specific time of day LOL). god i love her and how she always knows what i need. so i was able to pet her and stuff.

um but yeah i’ve been in a slog since then. like couldn’t really sleep and all that. i just...ugh.

[shadowednavi]

Watching the original Twin Peaks. I am on episode 4. Feel free to block "tricia watches twin peaks" if you do not want to read my liveblogging. Also sorry I am on mobile so I can't readmore until I get to a computer lol - Harry and Lucy have immense patience for Agent Cooper's bullshit. He is adorable but HOW DO YOU FORGET THE NAME Albert can fuck right off though. Agent Cooper can lay the smackdown when he needs to thank goodness So many of these people look the same but I'm doing my best to remember names. I'm having a hard time differentiating Mr. Horn and Leeland Palmer, which makes things really awkward because one is a complete jackass and the other is just trying. Norma and Shelly(?) are also throwing me. At least one of them has a face punch now so that helps distinguish them They are doing a very good job making Leo reprehensible, but I don't think he did it. Doesn't stop him from being a dick though Bobby is super extra. Those eyes have more personality than he does, and he's OH OKAY NOPE HIS VOICE IS MORE POWERFUL WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM Actually scratch that, Audrey is the epitome of extra holy shit though bobby is close Jeez this examination is brutal. Albert doesn't need to make it worse. AGENT COOPER COMES TO SAVE THE DAY AGAIN. TOAST THAT JACKASS. Time for the funeral? Nope we get to see Ed and his batshit wife again. just look at his eyes when she kisses him. he is dead inside. She's talking about how he had a thing for Norma in high school. I don't think that went away, just based on his interaction with her at the diner. he took a bullet srsly Wait is Audrey sneaking into a secret passage behind the wall? WHO ARE YOU HOLY SHIT Wait what hold up that's the doctor and oh that's her brother okay. Thought it was bobby that is less weird. To see literally everyone together in the same space is kinda surreal, but a reminder that they all live in the same place and are all connected. oh okay bobby THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW SHUT YOUR VERY LARGE MOUTH look at what you did you broke the thing leeland. your grief is too large and heavy Agent Cooper: matchmaker. Or at least match identifier. Thank you for being a light in this dark ass story. Oh okay so there's a secret society of ghostbusters? So far it's Harry, Ed, and Hawk involved. James too? Oh okay there's a dude tied up for drugs? Whose brother is he again? Huh... leo needs to stop. OH SHIT SHELLY HAS A GUN SHE GON MAKE HIM STOP YOU GO GIRL FUCK HIM UP Katherine just found the books Josie had kept hiding? Or wait, they were books SHE had been hiding that Josie found, and she moved them to a new spot to fsk things up and hide them again? Ugghhhh this liveblog is going to be so helpful when things inevitably get more convoluted later so apologies to anyone reading who's just like "wtf is this blow by blow report calm down tricia" Dr. Jacobi at Laura's grave. Laura really changed ~everyone~ didn't she. But I guess that's the mystery, yeah? How could this straight and narrow girl lead such a fucked up double life to the point where she drowned herself (I assume right now the cause of death was driven to suicide, based on James' report. We'll see what happens when we learn more). And then you have the VERY OBVIOUS TRAUMA SHE ENDURED right before she died, and you have to wonder how long that's been going on? Hopefully the Pulaski girl has more to say on that when she opens up, poor girl D: So they both worked at the perfume counter, and they both endured an unspeakable hell. How many others were there? Agent Cooper said there were two other cases he'd seen with letters under their fingernails and this falls in line with those same cases, but i don't remember if he ever said where. Hm. I feel like the conversation about dream souls was important, but leeland's being sad again so we get to focus on him now. God it's not your funeral, chill omg - So that's the end of the episode. Kudos to you if you stuck it out with me! There will be more later. But for now it's time to draw :D