#I love this scene Dino lady she’s so cool

[hydraulicpressedspaghetti]

I saw how you drew bee from helluva and I have to ask how/would you draw missi zilla from hazbin because I feel like she’s very forgotten and I love your art it’s very nice :3

Aaa thank you!! And I agree she should have more fans! And more screen time lol

This is how I’d draw her! She was SO fun to sketch, I’ll probably draw her again at some point after I finish the six fanarts page!

[s1llydr3amscape]

Maybe it was the friends we made along the way!

My security breach cast re-imagined when we first got the posters and merch leaks!!! I changed them into ocs because after seeing their in game designs I fell in love <33333

Another reason why Vanny is my fave is because I don't have to design her clothes /j

Extras and ramblings under the cut :

Zoomed in because I drew them on the same canvas like a goober :

Many reasons why I chose to make the way it is are cause hehehehe

-I didn't like Roxy at first because off that funko leak being a reused model of Foxy. So I made her a hyena recolor using his model because I think they're cool, yet I still kept the fact she's the shortest because of Foxy in fnaf 1 being the shortest!!! And it did sorta happen with her being his replacement 😭She has short hair because I think one of her main appeals would be she would change up her hair every other week.

-Freddy is a moon bear because I miss Lefty. Also cuz I thought Fazbear Ent developed enough technology so that they could change colors during the night/dark like in the posters making them blacklight/neon. Also once again I miss Lefty and Also Nightmare. He had blue eyes freaky like that because I think FazEnt was developing new technologies to recognize guests by having their main stars test them out. And it did happen in the game so yay!!!

-I genuinely didn't think Bonnie would show up because off the leaks but at the time everyone designed their own version off him and so did I!!! I made him white and brown as a homage to Vannys help wanted mask. The blue streaks in his hair also relates to my Vanessa design. Reasons for this is because with how advanced the AI it was to trick them into thinking they were eachother friends. Why because the heartbreak would've been catastrophic.

-Chica didn't change much but I added brown because I love the color brown it is my top 1 color with purple following behind. Also because I love gradients I fucking love gradients you bet your ass if I add gradients I could <333 She has feather hair like that because off Big Bird I saw in a short fnaf sesame street horror yt video and that scared and gave me nightmares because of this one scene of a lady giving birth to his kid??? Idk it scared me alot. She's my favorite tho <3333

-Monty didn't change except he had circular glasses because I wanted him to match with Roxy as the newest additions to the Fazbear brand!!! Also man I wish one of them was a drummer but I couldn't decide between if Roxy or Monty would get it. I also didn't know Roxanne would be racing and gave her rock climbing. Reasons cause imagining her chasing you being able to climb walls would be scary. My only wish Is that I made his snout longer I want you to be able to hold it like a weapon

-They all have eyelashes because I think that is epic!!!

-Freddy is the tallest. Bonnie and Chica are the same height and Roxanne is the shortest

Might redraw them in my oc world version (if anyone would be interested it's basically also a robot story with my old fnaf oc's now turned rivals to Fazbear Entertainment) and not simplified but my other wips need me they are calling for me they are telling me to finish them and I must!!! Probably

And here's my older art after we got to see the game and the designs are wack oughhh :

They would've fought with my pink yellow blue Vanny design!!! Which is the only one I redesigned because I love Vanny to much... You can see her pre-design here and oughh Pink Vanny <3333

-If you look closely Vanny has a Dino looking tail!!! And that's because I thought hey imagine each time we defeated an animatronic she'd sew a piece off their body onto her suit! So when we killed Monty she'd scavenged and get his tail!!! With Chica she got her chicken feet!! And with Roxanne she gets her teeth!!!

-Why because I associate her with Pinkamena cupcakes so much. Also to add onto my previous statement with Bonnie looking like her old mask. She changed her suit in the final act to solidify herself as the bad guy (final boss) who had been using the animatronics for his own gain.

-Man I never draw Chica with her head bow now that I think abt it same with Vanny's whiskers god what was I thinking!!!

Also sorry they're oddly cropped I watermark my stuff to remember what year I made them in and my old username is bad 💀

[tinykingdomgalaxy]

My opinion on Heaven's Secret 2

I'm intrigued...to say the least?

But I'm also not happy with some plot devices. It totally feels like we went through all that in previous books for nothing just so the writers could raise the stakes for HS 2...

spoiler alert

Are you really telling me that after ten years the love interests no longer love the MC as much anymore? Really?

After everything the MC went through for those mfs...

And oh lord don't get me started on Plague...she's just bad.

Listen, I'm not saying that the four horsemen of the apocalypse aren't that strong but...the fact that Plague could take down Shepha by herself was just crazy to me?

HS 2 has some real power imbalance problems imo. Plague doesn't feel like a real character, much less a convincing villain... she's more like a caricature of a villain than anything else.

That one scene with Plague forcing the MC and Mimi to walk on a leash was just beyond ridiculous to me. And sexist.

Plague is giving me real girlboss energy and I hate it.

The only positive thing I can say about her is that her design is cool (she looks like Lady Gaga) and there's that.

And what's up with resurrecting everybody all of sudden? I can understand bringing back the lis who died in the last book but the side characters as well?

Fencio? Eragon? Even Counselor Torendo??

For what??

Bringing back all of these people just removed the weight of the deaths we had in the past.

And I'm so annoyed by the fact that the progress we did with our lis was thrown out of the window and we're back on square one with them.

I hope that the writers aren't purposely making the old love interests look bad and unappealing just so they can introduce new love interests. I really hope they won't do that.

I still trust in the writers, I loved the other books after all...but HS 2 is stressing me out already and I hope they'll be able to fix it before it's too late.

The only good moments we had in these two chapters were that one with the immortals at a Dia de los muertos party and the last scene wirh the MC holding hands with Mimi. That was sweet and made me want to protect baby Mimi from everything bad in the world TvT

Side note: I thought Dino was bad for giving the cold shoulder to the MC and forgetting all about her and their love...but Lucy and Melbonte managed to be even worse according to the prints I'm seeing. Wtf.

No matter wtf happened in the past three months that the MC spent imprisoned, you can't tell me that these guys would treat her like that just for the sake of protecting her or whatever is the reason for their attitude.

[savedpeople]

I haven’t talked much about dead city for the last couple weeks, but here’s some thoughts on tonight’s episode all in one place instead of making separate posts as we go. As usual, spoilers ahead:

SAVIOR NEGAN MY BELOVED. Legit got emotional seeing Lucille again. Savior Negan’s mustache hurts my soul a little but idc he still looks Good. but also gives the possibility of him and Simon having semi-matching mustaches at one point which is extremely funny

Negan designing the walker fence, maybe? That’s kind of what that looked like. If it was, then the walker fence was a relatively new thing when we saw it in the main show, since he already has the Kingdom working for him at this point.

Good to see Simon’s arms have doubled in size since we last saw him, jfc. But seriously, I had the Simon cameo spoiled a while ago but it was so cool to see him again

I love that Neegs is a canon nickname for Negan now lol. How long has the fandom been using that, especially the comic fandom?

Negan wearing two gloves in the flashback implies he either 1. lost a glove at some point, or 2. decided to start only wearing one for The Aesthetic. I’m gonna go with the second option lmao

The hall/room we saw during the flashback scene with the croat is in the sanctuary but isn’t a space we’ve seen before. the basement, maybe? i never considered the factory might have a basement. was way too big to be one of the cells we saw in the main show.

glad they confirmed the croat didn’t “just” kill the kid, but tortured her.

Simon being all “KIDS is a line we don’t cross, we all know that” is hilarious given the entire Oceanside situation. Big possibility is the writers just kinda... forgot about that (especially if they didn’t write for the main how, idk who the writers are), but my in-universe explanation is going to be that Simon is big time sucking up to Negan after being given a second chance. Make him believe he believes that. etc.

Anyone else think the Croat lowkey looks like Simon?? A little bit?? might just be certain facial expressions

Y’all had the opportunity to make my stupid harmonica headcanon canon and and you DIDN’T DO IT. but it’s not not canon, either.

Please not the miscommunication, “if you’d just let me explain” trope. We only have two episodes left there’s not enough time for that

It’s not important but I wonder what the Croat’s real name is

Now why was Croat’s reaction to hearing Negan’s whistle/seeing him again kinda cute

Why do I kind of like the Croat. Only a tiny bit tho

NegaAAAAN

I actually really do like this group Negan and Maggie are with, especially Tommaso and Amaia and the scavenger lady. I forgot her name.

Aaaand that was scavenger lady that just died, wasn’t it

Tommaso definitely got bit, there’s no way he got out of that unscathed 

DID MAGGIE BURN THE DINO PLUSH OR NOT. i’m gonna guess the way ginny’s looking at her + her “i have to tell you something” to Negan is implying she did?

Perhaps I’m stupid but why did the Croat send all those walkers into the arena? Did he know our group was coming? edit: the preview for next ep suggests he did

“Where’s Lucille?” “She’s gone.” 😭😭😭

Did I just add Jerome to my Excel sheet of Saviors? Yes. This tells us that the Croat’s not the only ex-Savior that’s ended up in NY

I like that Negan saved Armstrong. Disappointed but not surprised about Armstrong’s actions once they were alone. Looks like they might have to work together next ep though? I’m hoping Negan tells him why exactly he killed those people.

Eli saying that the Croat was, in a weird way, “Negan’s first kid” despite being older than Negan is soooo idk but it does add something to the way Negan might be feeling about the whole thing

[adultswim2021]

Moral Orel #15: “Offensiveness” | December 11, 2006 – 12:15AM | S02E05

I just spent the last 2 and a half hours mostly on hold with the IRS. That was time I was hoping to dedicate to this blog. Now I have about 30 minutes to crap out a write-up for this or simply let there not be a post. I don’t think I’ll have that much to say about this one, so I’m gonna go for the “crapping out” technique. Apologies in advance. 

Doesn’t the title of this episode just make you groan? I don’t know. There’s a certain type of satire that targets the concept of being offended that seems to be more interested in flipping the script on the offended rather than actually address any kind of problem or ease conflict or whatever. “You’re offended? OH YOU THINK THAT MAKES YOU RIGHTEOUS? Well! I am here to tell you it is ME who is righteous!”. The message of this one is, loosely, you can always find something offensive about even the most innocuous things found in nature, so… shut up, bitch! 

This one is about Censordall, the old biddy librarian (whom we find out is only 40 in this episode), taking Orel under her wing and teaching him to be more offended by stuff and to protest every little thing they can think of. But then when he finds out that eggs, Censordall’s favorite thing the whole world, come from the lady-parts of a chicken he starts a crusade to get them banned. She glumly accepts this, but by the end of the episode we find her sneaking off to an after-hours club at a barn, where she is sneakily consuming eggs as though it were a speakeasy or one of Dino’s sex clubs I assume he likes to frequent. Let’s all not lose sight of the fact that Dino is cool and he fucks, everyone. I still respect him even though I came after his methods of satire. I’m in a bad mood! 

This one is actually pretty decent and has funny visual gags and well-written jokes. It is also well-made! I loved the sound design in the opening scene at the drug store, when the shot is fixed forward on the lunch counter and we just hear Mr. Figurelli fixing up some eggs. This is a very well-made show!

Maybe I’m being grouchy, I just think “Offensiveness” is a bad title and it evokes Ricky “right cunt” Gervais being smug. That’s not the show’s fault, really. Of they called it “Offensive” it would… Actually it would sound like an episode of The Young Ones. Hey, did you hear that they’re reissuing that on blu-ray in the UK? Did you know there’s different stuff missing from both North American DVD releases? This blu-ray is supposed to be very complete. It’s too bad Adult Swim never aired The Young Ones when they were trying to play more British shit. That would’ve been great. Okay, bye. I’m done.

[coll2mitts]

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Thanks to the awesome people who donated to Extra Life (you still can, btw!)  y'all will now be treated to a retrospective on the 1993 classic movie, Super Mario Bros.  When I took on this milestone, the first (and only) person I messaged for ideas on terrible (but wonderful) films based on video games was my friend Max, who has a history of viewing and talking about bad movies.  He suggested this, and while I was aware of this magnificent piece of cinema history, I had not had the pleasure of viewing it myself.  He hooked me up with a copy, and to say this film lived up to my expectations would be an understatement.

I couldn’t help but be charmed by this movie.  It is filled with so many questionable creative choices that were fucking ridiculous.  Mario and Luigi not being blood related?  Sure.  Cheesy Italian accents replaced with a New York ones?  Yeah, why not?  Having all the enemies in Super Mario Bros. be canonically dinosaurs?  I mean... It's a choice informed by the great media dino wave of 1993, but whatever.  Yoshi is a dinosaur, if we want to extend that to goombas and Koopa for whatever reason, I'm down.  Having these dinosaurs live underneath New York City in a parallel dimension?  It's based on a video game, why the fuck not?  Everything is so goddamn bonkers.

The opening credits roll, and we’re told that 65 million years ago, a meteor created said underground parallel universe dinosaur land.  We witness a human-looking woman, who is really a dinosaur, leaving an egg baby on a church doorstep.  Don’t think about it too hard, the logistics of a human giving birth to an egg that size are just... it’s gross to think about.

We’re then introduced to the titular characters, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario.  Yes, their last names are Mario.  Making them the Mario brothers.  Because this movie is interested in answering the important questions.  Mario is the owner of a failing plumbing business, while Luigi is a conspiracy theorist who would have really enjoyed modern-day YouTube.

While they’re out trying to find work, they run into Miss Amy March herself, Daisy, who is an archeologist in charge of digging up dinosaur bones from a New York City construction site.  She’s being forced off the property by the mob, who apparently are annoyed that a blonde lady in cargo shorts is coming between them and whatever the fuck they’re building.  

They try and intimidate her, she storms off to use a payphone to call for security, and is almost picked up by two inconspicuous bozos in a cab who apparently are stealing Brooklyn women off the street for no reason.  Their plan is quickly thwarted by a random moving pane of glass.

Instead, Daisy runs right into Luigi, who forgets how to human once he sees her pretty face.  He asks her on a date, where she reveals even more exposition.  She believes the meteor that destroyed the dinosaurs landed in New York City.  Oh, and also, she’s the abandoned egg baby.  Luigi is also an orphan, and this shared trauma apparently gets them both hot and bothered.  They wander off to the dig site, because an underground pit attached to a sewer is so romantic, and it is also where Daisy feels the most comfortable.

What if we made out at the bone pit?

Their touching moment is cut short when the mob sabotages the plumbing in the sewer and water starts flooding the area.  They run to get Mario, because he is a plumber, to fix the pipes, which is so fucking clutch, I love it so much.

While the Mario brothers are distracted, Daisy is captured by the weirdo twins and dragged into the alternate dinosaur universe.  Mario and Luigi follow, and we’re treated to the most fucking amazing transition scene of Bob Hoskins spinning wildly through colorful rocks.

Turns out, parallel dinosaur world, or Dinohattan, is fucking lit as hell.  I am convinced that Futurama based their sewer city on this movie.

King Koopa, who is a dinosaur with badly bleached hair gelled back in an effort to look like Michael Douglas in Wall Street, has taken over Dinohattan.  He is the one who asked the goons to kidnap Daisy, because of the tacky crystal necklace she wears.  Apparently, it is a piece of the meteorite that crashed into earth, and once he puts the piece back into the original space rock, the dinosaur world will merge with the mammal world after 65 million years of his people being sequestered underground, and Koopa will have endless resources at his disposal.  Also, Daisy is a princess, and her dad is a giant fungus taking over the city, so that’s totally normal and not at all weird.

Problem is, the two idiots he sent to grab her didn’t think to check if she was wearing the necklace.  Turns out, Luigi has the necklace, or had the necklace, as they are quickly mugged by a granny, who is then robbed by a lady with a bright red spiky latex coat and springy robot feet.  The brothers are then arrested by the dinocops and are grilled by Koopa for the whereabouts of the rock.  When they play dumb he uh... reacts in a proportionate way.

I am not even going to attempt to explain the devo process...  It is a combination of insane and fucking disgusting.  Whoever in the costuming department looked at the cute fucking mushroom Goombas in the video game and decided to translate them into this scaly, jagged-teethed nightmare fuel deserves to be committed.

Also, there’s only one lizard king, and that’s Jim Morrison, so back off, buddy.

What is hilarious to me is this is the story the screenwriters came up with.  Super Mario, as a video game, doesn’t have much lore, right?  You slide down pipes, you jump on mushrooms, and you save the princess from a spiky turtle.  They took that game and created... This.  A parallel underground dinosaur universe that has a sentient fungus as a king, taken over by a human-like t-rex that devolves other lizards into tiny-headed night paralysis demons.

The middle of this movie alternates between a slog of expositional scenes about Daisy being a princess, and pretty entertaining action scenes of the Mario brothers running from Goombas while trying to find and save Daisy.  Mario and Luigi steal a cop car and drive it off a cliff Thelma and Louise-style; They cosplay as Ketchup and Mustard to steal the necklace back from Big Burtha while asking her to stomp on them; They jump off a bridge into a garbage truck; They break the pipes in Koopa’s building to freeze everything, and get past an elevator full of Goombas by making them dance.

Watching Daisy damsel-in-distress-it in Koopa’s high rise office building and fend off advances by a long-tongued dude who devolved her father into a mushroom was pretty boring and disturbing.  Alternatively, witnessing Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo pretend to jump on giant sheets of fungus really sold this movie for me.  It succeeds when it tries to be ridiculous and fun, and fall flat when it attempts to integrate any sort of drama that I’m assuming was added to make this story more appealing to adults.

Mario and Luigi eventually find Daisy, and she introduces them to her father - a giant dripping blob suspended from the ceiling.  Luigi wants in her pants badly enough that he pretends this is a reasonable thing to do.  Mario heads further into the building to free the other ladies kidnapped by tweedle dee and tweedle dum that they initially thought were Daisy, but weren’t.  The newly assembled group are able to escape by sliding down the frozen pipes on a mattress before they are green-screen launched out of the pipe and back into the greater Dinohattan area.

The amount of times Mario and Luigi use their plumbing skills to overcome obstacles may be my favorite part of this movie.  The plot goes out of its way to justify a really bizarre character trait for the original game.

Anyway, the end of this movie comes at you fast.  First, the sentient fungus king gives Mario and Luigi a bomb, and they decide to wind it up and aim it at Koopa.  This takes about 10 minutes of screen time to matter again.

Koopa’s second-in-command tries to merge Daisy’s stolen necklace with the meteor, and instead gets skeletoned to bits, prompting the best line delivery reaction from Daisy, a deadpan “Yikes”.

Because the necklace has now been returned to its resting place, the worlds start to merge Infinity War style.

“Mr. Koopa, I don’t feel so good.”

Koopa and Mario end up back in Manhattan, and Koopa just starts shooting his devo guns at human mobsters, turning them back into primates, and giving their wardrobe a whole new literal definition of monkey suit.

Luigi uses his super plumbing powers to drill the necklace back out of the meteor, separating the worlds again.  The bomb finally goes off, they devo Koopa into slime, and the citizens celebrate by immediately painting over his ever-prevalent propaganda.

The king evolves back into a mushroom person or something, and Daisy stays in Dinohattan to get to know her father better.  Mario and Luigi return to their lives in Brooklyn as plumbers, and their heroic acts make them conspiracy community famous, as they now refer to our heroes as the Super Mario Brothers.  Roll Credits.

Except not, because Daisy returns to ask for the help of a couple of great plumbers, setting up a sequel that will never, ever happen because there is no god and we’re not allowed to feel joy.

Honestly, Super Mario Bros. is great.  It owned every bold plot and visual choice it made, and I have to respect it.  I could listen to John Leguizamo say Mario like 700 more times.  Y’all are missing out if you think you’re too cool to watch this movie.

I’ll be back to musical reviews later this month.  I have a few seasonally appropriate movies in my big red sack waiting to be placed under the tree...  Yes, I meant to phrase it that way.

[alanna-artroid]

Cookies I Have From Cookie Run So Far! (And My Thoughts On Them)

Alright, I’ve gotten pretty far in Cookie Run: Oven Break, and I felt the need to share my thoughts on all the adorable cookies I’ve unlocked so far. So far, I have 50/100, so I’d say I’m making good progress. On to the list!

GingerBrave: The bravest boy. If this was a show, he’d clearly be the main character. I recently got him a little suit, so now he’s a gentleman! 

GingerBright: Sweet little lady. She looks like she’d be nice to get a coffee with or help you with homework. I definitely ship her with Brave, no doubt about it.

Strawberry Cookie: Precious baby! She’s super shy and I am compelled to protect her at all costs. Her pet is also a Tamagotchi, so she must be a gamer! Sweet!

Skater Cookie: HE WAS A SK8TER BOI! SHE SAID SEE YA LATER BOI! 

Zombie Cookie: This is one of the fastest zombies I’ve ever seen. They seem like a nice guy overall though.

Princess Cookie: Heck yes, a mischievous princess! Those are the best! I love her dress and hair bows. I bet she just pretends to get kidnapped for the lols.

Pilot Cookie: Is it just me, or is this little old man smaller than most of the other cookies? Whatever, he’s got a cute mustache and he’s adorable. Go and fly!

Vampire Cookie: As a vampire nerd, I immediately adored this guy. I will gladly give him grape juice and chill with him under the light of the moon. 

Gumball Cookie: Is this was Splatoon is like? This boi has a lot of chaotic energy and I like him.

Pistachio Cookie: I love this warrior woman so dang much. Look at that minty green hair! Her power is also SUPER helpful. She a speedy knight!

Pancake Cookie: HE’S A FLYING SQUIRREL! HE’S TOO CUTE I CAN’T EVEN! LET ME HUG THIS TINY CHILD!!!

Peppermint Cookie: Sweet baby. Good baby. My mom would probably adore this baby. (She loves mint and she’s not even a big sweets person.)

Muscle Cookie: As a lesbian, I’m not into big abs and muscles, but he’d probably be a good gym partner. Don’t mess with him is all I can say.

Cherry Cookie: Little Red Riding Hood got some bombs! I hope she and Gumball can go cause chaos on the weekends.

Hero Cookie: Precious nerdy boi with science! I saw his Island of Memories intro and his bond with Jellyco Cube is just the sweetest thing! Follow your superhero dreams, my baby!

Fairy Cookie: I didn’t know Tinkerbell was in this game! Also, I got her a bee costume and that looks super cute on her. Love her hair bun.

Werewolf Cookie: ULTIMATE FLOOF! Doggo here has a lot of angst and I worry for him. Maybe Vampire Cookie can teach him to chill? That’d be nice.

Rockstar Cookie: Oh, the songs I could sing right here. High tier rocker boy. Loving that flowing white hair. Rock on, buddy!

Soda Cookie: Go-to starter for my Breakout runs. I love him very much, he’s super cute! Let me go to the beach with this righteous dude! 

Dark Enchantress Cookie: Oooooh, she is GORGEOUS!!! I love her design~! I’ll be sure to invite her to any fancy balls I might have, as to avoid any Maleficent scenarios with this savage woman.

Moon Rabbit Cookie: My spirit animal! I love how she constantly munches while she runs. This girl is such a mood for me. Cute little bunny ears~!

Space Doughnut: Awww, look at this alien dork! Their design is very cute, and I love how their expression of >:3.

Macaron Cookie: Such a sweetie pie! Why must they all be so adorable?! She’s a little drummer girl! That is too precious! Look at her dress and hat!!!

Pink Choco Cookie: She reminds me of a show I watched when I was younger. It was about a space girl, does anyone remember it? This girl will save the day, I can tell! 

Avocado Cookie: Strong girl on the loose! My pun-loving friends would adore this cookie. And she’s a blacksmith, which is always cool.

Whipped Cream Cookie: Elegant ballerino!! He’s definitely one of my favorites! Such a beautiful boi~! I love his design so much, and he’s very useful. <3 <3 <3

Blackberry Cookie: Yeeees! Gothic girl for the win! She is SO dang pretty! I am WEAK for gothic lolitas, and she even has ghost buddies! I bet she’ll love spooky games like Luigi’s Mansion and Hollow Knight.

Lemon Cookie: Edgy boi is trying way too hard to be Shadow the Hedgehog. I mean, can you SMILE for once dude? It’ll take me a while to bond with this guy.

Salt Cookie: He strikes me as a wise old man you’d find meditating at the top of a mountain, or in his case on a boat in the ocean. I bet he has lots of knowledge to share.

Squid Ink Cookie: AWWWWW, SWEET BABY SQUID!!! Guys, I think they might be my favorite! They’re so squishy and mighty, and they need all my love and huggles!!! Don’t be sad baby, I’ll be your friend! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Lime Cookie: Beach girl! She’s like Lemon Cookie, but slightly nicer! I really like her hair and beach ball. Very cool girl.

Ninja Cookie: FINALLY! SOMEONE WITH MORE THAN TWO JUMPS!!! I went kind of crazy with his jumping powers at first. He’s super cool. Not sure why his pet is a ghost though.

Pomegranate Cookie: Oooh, I love Asian fashion~! Look how fancy and elegant she is! Her story concerns me, and I’m worried about her.

Angel Cookie: Good cookie, sweet cookie. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. It looks like they trust the devil boy, which is beyond kind of them. I love it when angels get along with demons. Defy angle roles!!!

Devil Cookie: Speaking of, they’re a cute little bean too! I love the naughty demon trope, and this cutie is so mischievous! Call Angel your “rival” all you want, I’m still shipping you dorks.

Roll Cake Cookie: Imagine, if you will, the world’s biggest game of Whack-A-Mole! With that hammer, this boy would win without question.

Popcorn Cookie: I’d be happy to go with this girl to the movie theater! Also, I love how she had popcorn for hair buns. She seems like she’d be up for a fun time!

Carrot Cookie: Oh my lordy, her ponytails are carrots. The artists for this game are so clever. Strong but tiny farmer, I approve.

Ion Cookie Robot: Yes! A robot! I love robots, and this cookie is no exception! Definitely one of my favorites, up there with Whipped Cream Cookie. They’re super powerful too, and REALLY useful in Breakout and Trophy runs.

Dino-Sour Cookie: Gee Dino-Sour, how come Devsisters let you have two pets? Very cool punk boy. I can see him going to Rockstar Cookie’s concert.

Plum Cookie: Aren’t plums purple though? This boy is one tough cookie! Look at his karate moves! Honestly, I thought he was a girl at first. Why must these boys be so pretty?!

Yogurt Cream Cookie: PRINCE ALI! FABULOUS HE! ALI ABABWUA~!

Alchemist Cookie: Look, it’s Twilight Sparkle! Apparently, Vampire boy is her brother? I really like her hair braids(?), I just wish she’d loosen up a bit. She seems like a nice girl.

Roguefort Cookie: Aaaah yeah, elegant thief! This cookie is the coolest! I love this aesthetic so much~! Blue cheese has never been so fancy. Just look at this charmer, stealing hearts!

Pitaya Dragon Cookie: OOOOOhohoho! THIS is what I’m TALKING about! Look at this beast, they’re GLORIOUS! They’ve probably killed a bunch of people, but They’re crazy powerful and I adore them.

Knight Cookie: This guy is SO much fun to play as! He just won’t stop, he’s too fast!!! I couldn’t stop laughing once I found out just how fast this knight could go! Somehow he controls better than Pistachio? I don’t know, I love him!

Birthday Cake Cookie: TOO PRECIOUS FOR WORDS! SHE’S SO DANG CUTE!!! Also, her “Bonus Time” changes to “Happy B Day” and I... I just can’t! She’s the sweetest thing!!! <3 <3 <3

Cocoa Cookie: Awww, look at this sweet baby! I wanna snuggle her! Her design looks so warm and comfy. I have plenty of hot chocolate to give her. <3

Raspberry Mousse Cookie: Ah yes, the pretty boy that got me into this game in the first place. Along with Squid Ink, he’s probably my favorite. There’s a reason he has the highest affection so far with me. I just adore his design, and he’s very powerful! I will ALWAYS have him ready for Breakout and Trophy Runs. Well worth all the hype. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Rose Cookie: Finally, we have this lovely lady. Everyone is shipping her with Raspberry, and rightfully so. She is a high-quality woman that makes gay men straight and straight girls lesbian. Look at that outfit! And those dance moves!

Aaaand that’s everybody for now! I’ll update this once I get more Cookies. So far, I like most of them a lot. Anybody got some favorites they’d like to share? I’m still new to this game, but I’m happy to hear what others have to say!

UPDATE 1: 

I went back and fixed all the gender mistakes I made. (I’m so sorry! D:) Also, I got a few more cookies! So here we go!

Walnut Cookie: Precious detective baby! The newest update is only making her cuter! Probably the shortest of the bunch, and I adore her design~! <3

Cinnamon Cookie: Super useful power so far, and they have a really cool cape! Those cards are very handy! (I promise I’ll pay attention to the genders of these cookies from now on! I don’t want to misgender anyone again!)

Sparkling Cookie: Oooh, a sparkling cider cookie! That’s honestly the only boozy thing I enjoy drinking. He is super classy and seems like the life of the party. He strikes me as a Great Gatsby kind of host.

Moonlight Cookie: OOOOOOOH~! LOOK at this GODDESS! I love the nighttime/dreamy aesthetic. This girl has Luna’s hair and a wizard’s outfit, high tier cookie!

White Choco Cookie: This game sure likes it’s knights, huh? This girl is a fine lady and apparently, she attracts all the lesbians. Can’t say I blame those girls, I do love that hairstyle. 

Spinach Cookie: Aaand the newest cookie to hit the scene, this girl! I have never met someone so dedicated to vegetables, so I have to applaud that. She’s a super sweet girl, and I hope we find who stole her precious vegetables!!!

UPDATE 2:

More Cookies! It’s been a while since I’ve updated this, so I have quite a bit to share. On to the new ones!

Mustard Cookie: Look at this punk girl! Street artist on the loose in the streets! I always admire people and characters in this style, so I’m supporting this rebel all the way!

Herb Cookie: Now THIS guy is everywhere! It seems the fandom really likes him, and I can see why. He seems like a very nice boy, with a sweet plant baby. I like the leaf hair, very cool.

Sea Fairy Cookie: I love how everything on her flows. Her hair, her dress, she’s so beautiful~! I will say though, Legendaries are SO DANG HARD to level up and get affection with! WHY?!

Cream Puff Cookie: Awwww, look at this precious baby girl~! Look at her soft hair and little dress! I almost feel bad running with the super cute ones, I don’t want them to get hurt! 

Matcha Cookie: Oooooh, all these ancient-looking cookies have the coolest designs! She’s probably insane, darkness will do that to ya, but she seems harmless so I like her!

Ice Candy Cookie: This chick could crush me like a grape and I don’t know how to feel about that. Hopefully, she’s only savage on the ice rink. I do NOT want to mess with this girl.

Cherry Blossom Cookie: Awww, look how pretty she is~! Cherry blossoms are always so lovely, and this girl embodies that. She has a PARASOL for crying out loud, I CAN’T EVEN!!

Grapefruit Cookie: This game sure likes sports, huh? She seems really cool, I love her colors! Do you think she’d play Skate 3? Hopefully, she’d get a laugh out of that game.

Pirate Cookie: This guy has been a long time coming. I’ve been curious about him since the Breakout episode. He’s pretty neat, I appreciate how he naturally comes with an extra revive.

Kumiho Cookie: Cool! A Kitsune! I love the spin on the concept of cookies. Let this marshmallow fox live out her reverse-furry dream! I’m loving her design too, look at that hair! 

Marshmallow Cookie: Oh cute! Another marching band cookie! According to her story, she and Macaron had a falling out. I hope they can reconcile and be friends again. :(

Dark Choco Cookie: WE’VE REACHED MAXIMUM EDGE! WITH OREO SHOULDER PADS!!! Interesting how he’s still trying to be a hero, which is a nice spin on the “I have evil powers so now I’m evil” trope. Here’s hoping he stays strong.

Fire Spirit Cookie: Ah yes, the classic lord of fire. A staple for any fantasy story that includes the elements. Again, it’s impossible to get the affection for these guys.

Mala Sauce Cookie: Yay! I got Pitaya’s girlfriend! I always love it when there’s a tribe/society of warriors and the WOMAN is the strongest one there. Heck yes! This warrior lady is a badass!

Firecracker Cookie: I didn’t know I was invited to a rave party! Love the neon colors on this cookie, that’s something this game really excels at.

UPDATE 3:

I’ve reached 90 cookies! I’m on the homestretch!!!

Cheesecake Cookie: OH MY LORDY LOOK HOW FANCY SHE IS! I adore her already! Fancy ladies are the best ladies!

Kiwi Cookie: This game REALLY likes sports. He looks cool, can’t complain.

Yoga Cookie: Awww, a pretzel is trying to be loose! I’ve done yoga a few times, and it is very good for your body. Nice colors, simple design, nice.

Dr. Wasabi Cookie: I’d reference some mad scientist, but I know a lot of them so we’d be here for a while. Her combi generator has been very helpful.

Tiger Lily Cookie: IT’S THE EYE OF THE TIGER IT’S THE THRILL OF THE NIGHT, RISING UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF OUR RIVALS!

Chili Pepper Cookie: Uh oh, this one’s a troublemaker! I really like her hair, it’s very bright. Secure your pockets around this chick, that’s for sure.

Millennial Tree Cookie: These cookies are too pretty, I keep thinking they’re girls! This guy is so beautiful~ truly a being of nature!

DJ Cookie: Ooooh, I love her design~. Rainbow colors will win me over every time. And look! She’s wearing a Bi Pride shirt! This girl is awesome! I like how her special power is basically tiny Guitar Hero.

Snow Sugar Cookie: Soft baby, sweet baby. Looks very cuddly. Their level was very helpful during Sandwich Cookie’s event in getting frozen jellies. Those blue bears aren’t easy to come by!

Fig Cookie: CENTAUR! I wasn’t expecting one of those here! She’s such a sweetie pie~. Since everything and anything is allowed in this game, can we get mermaids or harpies next?

Cotton Candy Cookie: PRECIOUS BABY! She’s so gosh darn cute, I can’t take it! I personally can relate to falling in love with things so easily. And there are official plushies of her now! ONE DAY I WILL BRING HER HOME!

Purple Yam Cookie: Bro needs a chill pill. Not ONCE have I seen this guy smile yet. And I thought Lemon needed to lighten up. Milk seems to care about him though, so I guess he can’t be that bad.

Milk Cookie: The softest of warriors! Look how cute he is~! I adore him! Plus he really shines in the stories. I can only assume Yam is his boyfriend or something. Am I wrong about that?

Cyborg Cookie: Hey! I saw the storybook for this one! I’m surprised I haven’t unlocked this “Aloe Cookie” yet. Are they still in this game? I can’t find them on the chart. Anyway, Cyborg is cool. Very nice design.

Mango Cookie: Newest baby! I love him, and would love to learn all about the islands from him! I’m gonna say it, I already ship him with Ananas Cookie, no questions asked.

[dappercritter]

Imagine that you have a lot of money to afford any plane ticket. Which place(s) in the world would you love to visit?

Among the places my heart long to go include:

Vancouver – My dad spent a good chunk of his youth there, the multicultural scene is wonderful, and it looks so pretty! …Even when it’s raining. My had has always wanted to go back there and I’d love to take him up on that someday.

Toronto – It’s basically the New York of Canada. As a Canadian and a sucker for cool metro spaces, I feel obliged to see it.

Tokyo – It’s the capital of Tokyo and jam-packed with all of sorts of amazing things to see. There’s Toho Studios, Studio Ghibli and its museum; the meshing of the modern cityscape with humble suburbs and ancient temples. As a complete weeb Japanophile how can I resist?

Osaka – Like Tokyo, Osaka has so much to see and do that as a Japanese cultural enthusiast, I simply can’t resist! Visiting the great Osaka Castle—an important site in Japan’s history and many a kaiju battle—and observing the ancient temples.  Then there are the pristine parks like Minoo National Park, the enchanting Kaikyukan aquarium, the Shochikuza Theatre, and the eclectic Dotonbori. I love it for the same reasons I love Tokyo, but with a greater emphasis on traditional Japanese culture.

Mt. Fuji – Yes, another place in Japan, but I’ve got three good reasons: 1. It’s one of the most famous and beautiful mountains in the world. 2. It’s surrounded by pristine, untouched Japanese countryside. 3. It’s one the most popular places in tokusatsu; everything from Godzilla to Ultraman to Super Sentai has been shot and set there!

New York – Besides being the most happening place in the world, it’s home to great pop culture icons including literally every other MARVEL hero, the TMNT, King Kong (though, it’s more of a vacation home that was forced on him), the Ghostbusters, Zilla (No, not that one. The one that ran into Matthew Broderick. Yeah, that one!), and more. Not to mention, one of my friends might move there someday and it would be nice to go visit her someday.

San Francisco – Besides being featured in The Mighty B!, Gareth Edward’s Godzilla (2014), Inside Out, and Bumblebee (2018), it just seems like a really beautiful city to visit. You have Pier 39, the Golden Gate Bridge, Painted Ladies, Alcatraz, Coit Tower, the Nightingale House, just to name a few. Also, my mom was there once when she was travelling and it would be great to retrace her steps someday, especially if I could bring her along.

Burbank – It’s where all the good animation studios in America are. That I know of. Boom.

Paris – The city of lights, love, art, and pure unadulterated beauty. I’m a Francophile, a hopeless romantic, an artist, and a high-school French language class graduate. It is required by law that I aspire to go to France someday.

London – I’m also an anglophile and it’s the setting of some of my favourite movies (e.g. Flushed Away, Mary Poppins, Love Actually, Paddington). London just looks like a really charming place, whether you’re looking at the modern side or the older, classier side. Not to mention, that as someone with a lot of English in their blood, it would be really cool to visit my family’s motherland.

Dublin – I also have a lot of Irish in me, so that’s one more ancestral homeland I want to visit. What’s more, Ireland has a beautiful countryside that’s well worth a visit. I probably won’t drop by any bars though, for many reasons.

The Australian Outback – I’ve always adored the Outback from a young age. The scenery, the biodiversity, the aboriginal people and their culture—it’s just such a unique place with some amazing inhabitants. Namely, the lizards, koalas, and aboriginals. I’d love to see it for myself someday. (If it ever stops burning…)

The Amazon Rainforest – Another one of the most beautiful, breathtaking locations with an amazing range of biodiversity. To get to see the sights, the species, and maybe even some of the locals. Hopefully, there’ll still be some left when I finally get there…

Rio De Janeiro – There’s so much I want to see, as demonstrated by the Blue Sky Studios movie of the same name and a Carmen Sandiego episode. I want to see the statue of Christ the Redeemer and mediate at its feet. Ride a cable car up Sugarloaf. Explore the slopes of suburbs. Watch a football game at Maracanã Stadium. But most of all, I want to party at Carnival and if possible, hop on a float and sing “Pretty Bird” at the top of my lungs!

The Serengeti – Growing up, I loved watching nature documentaries about Africa’s wildlife, watching lions, zebra, elephants, gazelle, and many more roaming the Serengeti. I’d love to go on a Safari and see these wonders for myself. Preferably from the comfort of a secure jeep.

Morocco – Now this is a funny story: I once did a report on Morocco for French class when it talked about the French language in African countries. In doing so, I found out a lot of fascinating things about the country and all the sights and culture there was. There are the huge open markets, the Atlas mountains, Kasbah, and Ifrane; aka “Morocco’s Switzerland.” Not only that, but it was where Casablanca (yes, THAT Casablanca) was shot and it’s where some of the largest dinosaurs on record have been discovered! Since I finished that report, saw that movie, and heard about those dino discoveries, I’ve wanted to go there and experience it all for myself.

Madagascar – I grew up with nature documentaries, the Dreamwork’s movies, and a thirst for adventure. You do the math.

Mongolia – It might be an arid desert to most, but it’s also home to proud nomadic peoples, some nice cities like Ulaanbaatar, and many fossil beds where famous dinosaurs like Velociraptor and Therizinosaurus were found!

Jerusalem – This one’s a double whammy because it’s of religious significance AND my dad went there a long time ago on a pilgrimage of sorts. As you can imagine, I’m drawn to the place. I would love to see the sites mentioned in the Bible and to visit the temples in person. I could retrace the steps of my father and Biblical figures in one trip—neato!

Nazareth – Like Jerusalem, it’s a matter of religious significance and retracing my dad’s footsteps. Also, whether you’re Christian or not, you have to admit that it would be pretty awesome to go on a journey to see the place God’s son was born.

[randomfandoms2004]

rYU SOO COOL screaming abt ep 26

gotta keep myself UP TO DATE HOLY SHIT WHAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE I LEFT?!

We pan in on Sparkles... LOve that white softness filter on the scene Huh? a Lady? A CRYING LADY? uh, uh! QUICK SPARKLES DRY HER TEARS!

huh? this guy? who is he anyway? I mean I saw him in the teaser... Well, that explains his weird question, he probably doesn’t know of the outside world... Oh nope, just a joke! A funny one at that!

hm... looking for Sparkles?? Strange, I dont trust him. hrm. Seems like the sorta kissup kinda type... but I’m sure he’s just really earnest, Nada.

OH SHIT KOU GOT ZAPPED FUCK!

ohhh.... shit... Lowkey... tbh...  Aggressive/Dark!Kou is hottttt THE WAY HE DRAGGED THE BLADE AND THEN WHEN HE LIT IT ON FIRE WITH HIS HAND!!!!

Oh shit! Towa! Please! Alright... okay... thank you Asuna... hm. Rob em of kindness, huh?

Yeah... why are you here, Nada? Up and vanished??? wait...Gaisorg...nawh no way...

Kou... always had a side like that?? OOP FLASHBACK TIME???

aw... wait baby melt is so precious.... Also props to Kou’s child actor! He’s pretty good! I mean yeah, that’s a common assumption... Wait... Asuna did? Well, she technically takes the role as the strongman, but is she also the heart?

awe... AWE BABY? KOU??? CUTIE? :(((( im feeling the feels ITS TOO EARLY FOR THIS!!!

yeah..sorta ran off... Aw crap! The lady spawned the Minasaur! Kou... Kou cmon... they need you! “You need the kindness from caring for someone” That’s true! He’s right! You can learn again!

Aw shit! hdks TOWA NOT THE TIME AW SHIT! OH DAMN KOU TO THE RESCUE!?

awe... WE DO GET A MASTER RED X KOU MOMENT BLESS!!!! Love that fade back to the present with the camera on the rest of the team.

LEZGETIT BROS

yis, easy problem solving! NOW FOR THE FINISHER! oooOOOOOO CMON! SHIT FUCK NO WAIT SHIT I KNOW WHO IT IS FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKVFGDHJKSHJ

ohhhh...HI GAISORG YOU ABSOLUTE BUTT

OH SHIT! GAISORG WHAT THE FUCK???!!!

NOW WILL EXPLAIN BAMBA???? who... the fuck made that armor...

damn... we lost em... welp, until next battle ig...

Huh. So to Kou, Melt taught him how to be a better friend... “I found what I wanted to protect.” MAN SHUT UP RN YOU REALLY ARE THE CUTEST!!!

OH???? NEW DINOKNIGHT TIME???? OOOOOOOO!!! NEW DINOKNIGHT TIME!!!!

Preview Time~ AW SHIT MR. NEWBAD! WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE! THIS LIL DINO BBY TALKS?????? Is... their dad the dinoknight? Pachykagroo...fun! Most of the time they make Pachysaurus dinos into headbutting ones so this is a nice change o’ pace!

[seenashwrite]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2018)

(a.k.a. -  Nash Records Her Viewings Of Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold)

ETA Jan 2019: This adventure is now moving to @seenashblog, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for awhile yet #bless my heart

Last Addendum, I Swear

But I caught one this morning called “Home For Christmas Day” that sailed into a 5/5 with little effort. Here’s a mash-up of two “official” summaries I found, and that’s all I am giving you:

An Army widow worries about her teenage daughter when she meets a soldier from the town's military base & starts to spend time with him during the two weeks before he ships out. The mother wants to spare her daughter the pain of losing someone she loves in action, so she tries to get her daughter to break it off with the soldier before she becomes attached.  Little do they know they are about to learn important lessons of the heart and that taking chances can make this Christmas one they will cherish forever.

All 4 leads (mom, diner owner, daughter, soldier) are good actors (the daughter really impressed me), and they help overcome some dialogue that could’ve been less formulaic. A highlight is that Kristin Chenoweth’s “Home On Christmas Day”, a *phenomenal* song and one that has permanent residence on my holiday playlist, is featured and sung by a character who - wait for it - can actually sing and it was pleasant to hear, they kept it simple, and it’s the better for it. The movie could’ve gone Velveeta and shmoop and severe angst fast, but it didn’t. You’ll be torn on the ending, some of you wishing they’d gone the other direction. You’ll be sweetly tearful either way.

.

So, the new official rec list for the ones that are worth your time?

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(5 of 5) Home For Christmas Day (Catherine Bell, Victor Webster - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

.

And don’t forget: never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Past entries below

Special (Royal) Addendum!

In a shocking turn of events, I’m about to recommend a [gulp] prince-and-princess-based plot Hallmark movie. I’m out-of-pocket a lot this week, but spotted this one randomly and needed to tell you about it, in case you had a chance to catch it. Because surprise, surprise - from some pretty impressive music for a TV movie, to some solid acting (even from the precocious children!), to a decent script, the most off-putting thing is the title. Possibly the best thing? It’s from 2011 but you may recognize the leading man:

So as a reminder, here’s my overall recommendation list for Christmas movies that are actually worth your time...

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

...and the newest addition is the one in question, I’ll give you the scoop.

Google tells me that this was marketed in the UK as “A Christmas Princess”, but I don’t find that any better - I hate movies that blow their wad in the title. Let us not forget the Hallmark rule (and I am certain by this point it IS a rule) that “Christmas” must be in the title. So why not just “Christmas at _ Manor”? That implies aristocracy of some sort, it’s just.... blaaaargh, this channel. Wait hey, look what google told me!

* I swear on my stories that I did NOT see that before I wrote this draft *

Interestingly the version that’s on You Tube is called the latter, so... ya got me. But legit, I am shocked that when you click the “info” on the TV, it says it’s only got 2 stars. It’s higher on IMdB. Probs high ratings, too. I’m not looking it up.

Right. So. Heughan is a *phenomenal* actor, there’s nothing more to say there, and McGrath is high above average for not just typical Hallmark fare, but TV in general. I knew I recognized her, and turns out she was in the short-lived TV series Dracula about 4 years ago (of which I watched the pilot and peaced out), and google tells me she plays Lena Luthor on Supergirl presently (which I don’t watch), but where my lightbulb went off was that she’s the chick who inexplicably got yanked away by a pterodactyl and eaten by the water dino in Jurassic World. She is a gorgeous woman whose hair is made to look atrocious and it’s Hallmark tradition, so nobody’s surprised. One thing is that you’re going to find that on occasion (and it’s few-and-far between) she over-enunciates some words and will rush random parts of sentences, and google tells me she’s Irish, so I get it. A word will sneak in once in a blue moon, but it’s not grating, not in the least, but it’s there. Anyway.

Roger Moore is solid, of course, and points to him for not slipping into Bond mode, and also for not playing it too gruff. The teen boy is a great actor as well - he can pull an angst face and verbalize frustration without it going petulant teen, which is so refreshing I cannot even. And the little girl has a slight Shirley Temple thing going on, holds her own with the adults. Thankfully the servants are all charming and several funny and endearing moments happen because of and with/about/surrounding them. (The narrator is the head butler, too - and fear not, it only happens at the top and at the finale, and are lovely bookends.)

Okay, the story: it kicks off with narration, and it is very well done and cheeky - “Once upon a time in a land called Buffalo there lived a girl names Jules...”  Jules --- ::sigh:: just call her Julie, ffs --- has gotten custody of her niece and nephew (about 6 and 14, respectively) after their parents (the Mom being Jules’ sister) died earlier that year. We find her in the midst of a shitstorm because she got fired from her job (and it’s a *very* cool job), the older kid shoplifted a game, and the girl drove away their babysitter with some pranks - she’s also apparently addicted to Doritos. Clearly they’re just processing, and high props to all involved for not taking it over the top. They’re just the right amount of troubled to where it’s not eyeroll-worthy on either the bratty end or the angsty end. She looks to be about 12 years older than the boy, so that’s another reason he’s probably not so with this arrangement, but she’s not harsh with him, she actually treats him like a person and tells him why his behavior is out-of-line and punishes appropriately, reminds him he’s not the only one who lost them, doesn’t go all authoritarian on him, another pleasant change in typical fare.

We find out that their dad was the son of a Duke of some wherever over in Jolly Ol’ - and THANK YOU SCREENWRITERS for keeping it simple and not making up some ridiculously-named kingdom tucked somewhere on the planet - but he gave up the title to marry a “commoner” and moved to America. Still, they get invited to the manor (”castle”? Didn’t look castle to me, but all right) and the brother of the Dad is Heughan’s character, Ashton, with whom Jules has some chemistry, yo. They get us there fast, about 12 minutes, and again against Hallmark type, those 12 weren’t crammed to the gills with backstory and prep work, because that stuff’s gonna unfold, we’ve got an hour twenty, we’re fine.

Heughan happens to technically be a prince (the faux land this must be for isn’t mentioned, again, bless you screenwriter) and it is easily explained without unneeded detail by saying “It’s through my mother’s side”. So I don’t know if that means the kids are lil’ princes and princesses because was Dad technically a prince? Or was he a half-brother? My point is, the Prince-Princess thing was unneeded - “A Duchess For Christmas” would’ve been fine, Hallmark. I promise. And maybe that’s what the writer intended, seeing as how his working script title had nothing about Princess in it. So it was a weird “Huh?” thing that happens a decent ways into the story, so it’s like....???? 

The rest of the movie goes how you think, but it’s got some genuinely charming moments, and it’s *entertaining*. See, Hallmark? You can take a basic storyline and not fill it with teenage-level angst, then dip it marzipan and roll it in sprinkles. Keep. It. Simple. Let the actors do their jobs. The hijinks aren’t over-the-top, the kids act and speak like actual kids - there’s actually a few lines out of Jules that I side-eyed more. Some of the music was too cutesy-quirky for my taste, but overall, like I said above, Night. And. Day. from the majority.  

The dress they put her in for the ball at the end is absolutely appropriate, it is lovely and isn’t overdone (hair, minus the clip in it, looks awful, of course) and - realistically! - it’s different from the other ladies’ without being drastically so. And also realistically, the crowd isn’t gawking because she’s now the best thing in the room, they’re gawking because a commoner is amongst them. 

Here’s why this gets a 4/5, and none of these are deal-breakers, but there’s just too many to justify a 5/5:

There is a dance scene that is embarrassing for everyone. But! I’ll be honest - their laughing looked real, I bet behind-the-scenes they’d gotten tickled at something, and Heughan throws all fucks out the window at one point, and bless him, because he saved it - the both of them had enough rhythm that it wasn’t altogether hide-your-eyes worthy; the better choice would’ve been to do the waltz he was teaching her to a more modern song, different tempo than the classic (I’m going blank on it, I feel like it’s the Blue Danube, but that’s irrelevant, anyway you’ll recognize it), throw in some relaxed improv steps. Snaps also to Heughan for faking playing violin well - and snaps to the director for some clever close ups that never quiiiiite give you a look at his (again, props - moving) fingers.

Second thing - the not-quite-climax set-up. I’ve not spoiled the others on the rec list, so I won’t spoil this one, either, but at about a half-hour til the end, the script goes with a trope and I just rolled my eyes. Granted, it didn’t go melodramatic and they saved it with a touch of a twist, and it is genuinely sweet. Still. Didn’t have to go the full distance, could’ve been taken care of while she was prepping to do what she did. I know that’s cryptic, you’ll get what I mean when you watch.

Third thing - the side-plot of the whoever-she-is Duchess or Lady something that expects Heughan’s character to marry her is WAAAAAAAY too much. And it’s the actress, it’s not the lines. Her choices of delivery are just bush league, even I know better and the only thing I’ve ever acted in is a third grade play. I was a Lucy VanPelt-type character (quelle surprise) and I kicked ass.

Other things: that whole “Huh? Prince, what?” stuff, and I could’ve done with a touch less shmoop ending, but the narration saved it.

Okay! There you go! A good princess movie! The rest are garbage. 

And never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Love, Nash.

#11

This is it, folks, last entry. And by "folks" I mean the maybe three who are reading these, and thanks, hope you've enjoyed. But the ratio of work-to-response isn't motivating enough to continue, plus the season's about over,  and besides, this has covered in the ballpark of 20-ish movies. I think. I can't be bothered to count.  So here's the last speed run, I'll cover some more than others, and I'll also note one final time my Yes You Should Watch These 4-and-5 Star Rec List with any updates at the end, as well.  

You'll still get a post all its own (with screencaps to paint the full picture and an official, free link of where to watch) on the fanfic-y-est ickiest of all Christmas movies ever. It is too precious for words. I can't not write about it. And on top of that, I wrote an actual fic based on the same premise, because per usual  I have seen a travesty that had potential, worked it over, then said:

#humbly

And without further adieu: here's your speed round of the ones to avoid at all cost (the 1 and 2 stars) and a handful that were all right, I thought, but when it comes down to it are a matter of taste and you may love them (the 3 stars).  Oh, and spoilers in several places, because it's not going to matter because on tons of these you'll either (a) guess it yourself or (b) shouldn't waste your time.

I’m saving you, here.

Christmas in Angel Falls (Rachel Boston [a-gaaaaaaaain] - Hallmark)

"Guardian angel Gabby Messenger is sent to the town of Angel Falls to restore its Christmas spirit."

::sighs::

No. 

As predicted, it was pure schmaltz (my note actually says "suicide by schmaltz") and the usually charming Boston was annoying as hell.

1/5 stars . A Royal New Year's Eve (Jessy Schram - Hallmark)

This one was so grating. There's a prince, she's a fashion designer, it has a bit of a Cinderella undertone (if you watch it you'll see what I mean, there's some boss as pseudo-stepmother and friend as fairy godmother and dressmaking and hidden identity action sprinkled in) and know right now that the prince's accent is inexcusable, it is ear-burning. I looked the guy up because I had to know his nationality, to make sure that I wasn't off the beam and that this was just some weird subset of fill-in-the-bank accent to which I was unfamiliar, but nah, he's from goddamn Milwaukee. That a dialect coach or the director or SOMEBODY didn't speak up is embarrassing, I hope he realizes now and doesn't have this on his reel.  And as always, Jessy Schram is dialed to 11 on her typical coked-up mouse with flippy hair routine.

1/5 stars . Four Christmases and a Wedding (Nobody you'll know - Lifetime)

What? Huh? So the premise is he just keeps leaving for work and showing up again at the town Christmas festival with the shitty prom that happens afterward that they call a "ball" and I assure you it is not. They also kinda blew their wad in the title. Also-also, she's Perfect McBody but has had attached to her the trope of I LOVE FOOD GIVE ME ALL THE EATS which personally makes me sick.

1/5 stars . Christmas Everlasting (Tatyana Ali, Dennis Haysbert - Hallmark)

I mentioned this one in passing in an early entry, it's based on a book, so... not "original" totally. Here's why this one doesn't get onto the rec list - it's predictable. It's well-acted, but the story was weak, and I saw the "twist" coming a mile away, and granted - as stated prior somewhere in past entry - I happen to be bizarrely good at that, but I feel like you'd see it, too. Again, this could be the "fault" of the book, I don't know, I've never read it (it's called "The Other Sister", btw), I just judge the movie. Anyhow, it's the same ol' same ol' of big city gal comes home, dead family member (aforementioned sister - you know this immediately though, not a spoiler ), but rekindled lurve, and hey, she's gonna stay for good this time! Bonus appearance of Patti LaBelle, though, which is a bright spot. 

The thing that worked my nerves the most was that they inexplicably got actors to play the main folks in flashbacks to 10 years ago who look *nothing* like Ali and the lead male (whose name I unfortunately didn't note, but he was familiar to me), and I'm not just talking hair, that and clothes are what they're supposed to do for changes in time period, I'm talking distinct facial structure and skin tone and height. It was, on god, the most bizarre "young actor analog" (for lack of knowing another way of putting it) that I have ever seen on film in my life, I'm not exaggerating. The genuine, heartfelt acting of Ali and co. is what gets this bumped to a 3 vs. a 2, because I didn't think it was a *complete* waste of time, despite the meh story.

3/5 stars . Santa's Boots (Megan Hilty - Lifetime)

These are my notes verbatim:

--> family department store --> hot flannel Santa --> tree farm --> exec who comes home to save the family business and she's gonna stay 4eva! --> wtf do the boots have to do with anything, I don't.... --> 2/5 stars - 1 b/c hot flannel Santa - should be 1 star . A Christmas Arrangement (it doesn't matter - Hallmark)

Flower shop, check. "Arrangement", get it? ::sigh:: You'll just *love* the first ten minutes, where the lead says "no" and rebuffs and in general tries to get away from this dude about a zillion times. Byeeeeee! Nash will be out after the first 15 mins (I give these 15 mins before bailing), guaranteed. [time passes] I was right.  Angel Anna (a.k.a. the real Anael, thankyouverymuch) co-stars, and she's a better actress than the lead, who is absolutely grating in every way. Oh, and the font on the flower shop delivery van is Comic Sans. 

1/5 stars . Every Christmas Has A Story (Lori Laughlin, Colin Ferguson, and Willie Aames who, it should be noted, has not aged poorly nor has he had obvious plastic surgery yet at the same time looks nothing like himself so figure that one out - Hallmark)

This should've been called Christmas In Hollyvale (I *think* that was the town), but whatever, she's a reporter and he's her producer, so "story". Get it? GET IT?! Lori Laughlin does not age, and Colin Ferguson can pull a face and inject snark on Jensen-levels, and they have great chemistry, both are funny, and are great actors, then there's Doug ("The Crew") who is a delight. The hotel attendant is a bit annoying. The "mystery" she solves is meh. And though the overall premise is fine, the pacing is sloggy, but it's not necessarily a complete waste of your time because your two leads are such great actors.

3/5 stars . Now, here's one that's terrifically bad that I actually suggest you *might* want to watch because while it's not the jaw-dropping holy shit this is stupid ride that will be the final entry, this one's pretty fucking fan-fic-y and should give you some snickers:

A Cinderella Christmas (the chick from Once Upon A Time In Wonderland with lips that look so fake I hope they’re not real because otherwise bless her heart, Mindy Cohn, and doesn't matter - ION)

There is a get-together they have chosen to call a Chrismasquerade, and technically I don't think I have to say any more. But I will. Fuck, this is amazeballs stupid. Only redeeming thing? The always-delightful Mindy Cohn is in the fairy godmother role, I love her, and she has pinky-purple hair, and I always have/always will adore her sweet face and crinkled eyes smile.

Otherwise....

--> is shite music a pre-requisite for these movies?

--> our lead has *very* distinctive lips and her hair/eyes/lips combo look *nothing* like her cousin (the stepsister sub) even behind the half-face mask, so props to the casting department for whiffing the shit out of that

--> the dude is an incredible, unlikable asshat

--> "A Snow White Christmas" is premiering after this, and it's Sunday, and I'm going to host CASPN instead, but Imma go out on a limb and say it ain't worth your time, either

1/5 stars .

Get ready: shockingly for me, I'm about to give you a pair of 3-star trope-premised movies. I know, I know, unlike me. But these actually pulled it off. The trope?

*takes deep breath*

Pretend to by my boyfriend/girlfriend for my family . (1) A Holiday Engagement (Bonnie Summerville ???, and Jordan Bridges)

It's what you think, but not for terribly flaky reasons - she *was* engaged but the dick broke up with her at Thanksgiving. And in a pleasant change of pace, she doesn't get a friend-who-will-turn-to-more to play the part, she hires an actor. Smart girl. Bridges is another one of those random actors you see off-and-on who elevates everything he is in, and the chick is great, and the family is well cast, and the waiter at the restaurant made me laugh out loud. The whole thing is snappy in pace (lil' bit of filler, but that's par for the course with these movies) and has some snappy dialogue in places, and overall it's not a waste of time, not too shmoopy.

3/5 stars . (2) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it's clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that's not a dating app, it's purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it's not just family, or friend party that's not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it's supposed to be like "And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business". Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well... not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like "Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?" and since she's got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom's on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it's compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She's not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he's not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn't invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he's only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I've experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I've digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up ('cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There's touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck, so it makes the rec list at 4/5 stars. 

Your rec list is now:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

That's all, kiddos! See you next time for the worst of the worst, complete with screencaps. You will *not* be disappointed.

#10

Okay, if I'm gonna get to the fanfic-y-est of all the Christmas movies - and it will easily take up an entire post -  we gotta tear through a bunch because the season's almost over and you're not gonna have time to avoid/find these, depending. So we'll hit a high point first (because I've added to the 4-to-5 stars you-should-actually-watch-these rec list), and tear through a bag of mixed nuts, including the third David Haydn-Jones... treat... nah, this third one is the best (?) so far... though, um, that ain't saying much. Woof. Yeesh.

As a reminder - 3/5 means they aren't exactly a waste of time, 2/5 are debatable/up to personal taste,  and of course 1/5 means I will never get that time back and I'm that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Let's kick off with one that may be my favorite, and got a 5/5 score, update the ol' You Should Definitely Watch This rec list...

.

Love At The Christmas Table 

(Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson, the guy who played Luke on Gilmore Girls, several character actors you'll recognize, and the lead dude is familiar too though his name doesn't ring bells - Lifetime)

Look, from what I can recall, ol' Danica was fine in "Wonder Years", but as I mentioned in a past post, something has happened over the years and girl can't act. It's distractingly bad, because she's typically paired with heavy-hitters (even if they aren't well known). So I'm not sure if it's that she and the lead male really clicked or she really clicked with the director, but it was night and day. This movie is also from 2012, so maybe it's just been tough going acting-wise since then. In any event, don't let any other of my other reviews of her dissuade.

But the script and the direction are both *fantastic*, and I suspect it's partly because the concept was kept nice and basic: A man realizes that his best friend since childhood is the one. Boom. Lots of room to get some good character development and plot progression, and they did, since it's not bogged down with a bunch of extraneous stuff.

There is so much delight packed into the first half hour, you will be grinning. The execution of it is nicely done, too - as we go through the years, each Christmas is prefaced by "Age ___" to let you know how much time has passed, and they look subtly different in appearance and attitude each time. The parents are phenomenal, you're going to enjoy each one of them. The interactions between all parties feel real. And more on feels, this almost feels like a play - it takes place in a house for like, 90% of the movie. But every set is very cozy and crowded with things and/or people (in a good way), and nothing seems like it was perfectly placed, it's how these locations would actually realistically look.

The worst thing I can say about this movie is that I really wish the two leads were other people. They had fantastic friend chemistry, but I tell ya, not a ton of spark when it started bending romantic. And there are plenty of actors who look younger than their age, and maybe that's what this needed, more mature actors who could realistically be shown as teens with some sweet hair/make-up magic. Or, again, could be Danica. I don't know. But she comes across *legions* more relaxed in front of the camera here than in others I've seen her in, so that little bump in road aside (and truly, it's not intolerable - it's noticeable, that possibly poor casting of them, but it's not going to pull you out of the story).

You're going to love the last fifteen minutes, what she does for her dad, how he's walking and talking with his parents when she sees what----- I can't say it. I *genuinely* do not want to spoil this for you. And then the very-very ending is *chef's kiss*.

I want you to watch this movie, especially you who are fans of friends-to-more. Because, I mean, there's a STORY, thank you lord. It's not regurgitated same-ol', same-ol'. This is a really great character-driven piece, and honestly? I wish it had gotten optioned to be on the big screen. I think it could've really been included with other heart-grabbing, fan-favorite romantic Christmas movies.

5/5 stars

The (now newly) updated rec list of well-worth-your-timers:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) (5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

.

Christmas At The Palace (Not a person you'll have ever seen or heard of, ever - Hallmark)

I've regrettably watched "Christmas At The Palace" once through completely, and three times caught blocks of it because I basically leave these channels on all day, then when I pass by the remote, I'll flip through the main four giving us "originals" (Hallmark, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, Lifetime, and the JV team over on ION), and that's that. This one has clearly been on *constantly*. And it sucks. Not one person - I'm not exaggerating - not *one* *person* in this movie can act. If you've ever imagined yourself in a movie or TV show and thought it impossible? Please let this movie give you hope. You can do it. Someone hired these people, they'll hire you.

Gives me hope writing wise, as well. What a septic tank of a script. Check it: once again we find ourselves in a royal circumstance where the prince is widowed or needs to get married because of blah-blah-law-queen -and-king -insist, who cares. This time though, he gets his Christmas boner --- I MEAN --- spirit via a former almost not quite professional ice skater. Seriously, they make a point to say she didn't make the Olympic team and isn't on the pro circuit, she choreographs for this travelling show thing. I mean characters with flaws, sure, but they shit on her in the first fifteen minutes. The whole movie in its entirety is embarrassing to watch. There is minor redemption in the (standard) best friends (one for each of the leads). They are.... tolerable. That's it, I almost said "okay", but I can't because they're so grating in most of their scenes.

And the two main gals? The lead and the best friend? Won't. Quit. Fucking. Smiling. I'm not exaggerating this - they are smiling easily 90% of the time. It is incredibly irritating. And there is zeeeeeeero chemistry between the prince and the ice skater.

Skip it. I can find something that's garbage enjoyable  in a So Bad It's Entertaining way, but this one is absolute stank garbage, and they are pimping it like it's the second coming.

1/5 stars

. Christmas In Tennessee (Rachel Boston [again], Andrew Walker, some kid with really jacked teeth, Caroline Rhea, and Patricia Richardson - Lifetime)

Aw, shit. Here we go. After the Graceland one with Kellie Pickler (which you'll not see me report on here because I couldn't sit still long enough to watch it because she can sing, but she sure as shit can't act) my hopes are not high, though they *were* renewed to a great degree with "Every Other Christmas", which if you'll recall is on my rec list for you.

Bakery. Christmas pageant. Real-estate suits coming after the teensy town to build a ski resort. One of them is cute man. She is cute baker. She is also a single mom. And there's a mysterious sweet woman "Mrs. C" who *loves* the cookies - and so did her husband "Kris" [wink-wink]

:: sighs ::

At least nobody's trying and failing to fake a Southern accent, god and small favors and all that.

Listen, all I want is for there to be some originality. That's it. I'm not looking for perfection, I mean, that's subjective, after all. (Well.) Just fucking... I mean, look: don't make her a single mom, to start. Don't make her a baker, second.  Keep your ski lodge in small town thing, fine, that's the conflict between them. But hey, what if she's the mayor? Have a Leslie Knope, politics-oriented, civil-service type as the lead character. Somebody who can go toe-to-toe and not have to sugar-sweet-charm her way around shit.

In any event, good acting from the leads, Caroline Rhea and Patricia Richardson are always good in everything, and there's some nice snappy dialogue. It's not too terribly saccharine. Fuck, fine, I'll stick it on the not a waste of time list it unless something goes way haywire. [time passes] Okay. I has a lil' smile on my face. It actually didn't typical too-too hard. The lead actors were great, everything seemed easy and casual between them. Too bad the plot was weak. Still though, didn't leave me feeling it was a total waste of time.

3/5 stars .

~ Let's do an Alicia Witt Trifecta! ~

. Christmas at Cartwright's (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

"Nicky is a single mother, unemployed and broke at Christmas and desperate to find a job in order to make her young daughter's holiday a happy one. With the aid of an angel, she gets a job as a department store Santa." - It is pure cheese. Alicia Witt should stick with drama, hundred percent, it is astounding how pedestrian her acting skills become when she has to get sweet/touching/emotional in the absence of any heart-grabbing stakes (think Lily Sunder). So anyhow, this is some piss-poor amalgam of Miracle on 34th and It's A Wonderful Life, but I'm giving an extra star because kudos for making the chick the Santa. 

2/5 stars . Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane (Alicia Witt, Colin Ferguson, Laura Leighton - Hallmark)

This almost got off the naughty list purely because Colin Ferguson is a fucking delight in everything he's in, he's one of those "elevators" as I call them - Mark Sheppard is another good example - because they elevate anything they're in, however shlocky, and if it's actually good, they help make it even better. This, according to my notes, is "exposition dumps coated in cheese", and it's that ol' chestnut of the saving the family home and oh noes dead parents and big city gal back in town and wow she's gonna stay! You've seen many iterations of this movie, don't bother. The house is fabulous, though, I'd live in it in a hot second. 

2/5 stars (and that 2nd star is only for Ferguson - as stated before, Witt should stick to drama vs. awwww stuff)

. A Very Merry Mix-Up (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

Once again, please welcome Alicia, this time en route to meet her future in-laws as a surprise to announce the engagement (well, and that he's been dating someone at all - he's a work-a-holic who never gets home much - matter of fact, he's stuck finishing up a deal and has to meet her there vs. ride together) and "through a serendipitous series of events" has to ride along with a dude who turns out to be her future bro-in-law, who proceeds to wreck her phone with a drink, and then wreck the car because he's distracted. The MD at the hospital tells them not to sleep for the next 24 hours and that they need constant monitoring.

(Couple things while I have you: The former is an old wives' tale, and as for the latter, if they need constant monitoring, they wouldn't be discharged, they'd be admitted for, you know, monitoring. Jeez this part was so stupid. It was so they could slumber party and bond. Because there was no other way to accomplish bonding than via stupid car wreck and representing med professionals as stupid. ::sighs::)

You know, this would be a great movie if the plot was that she was a con artist. It's not. But wouldn't that be great? And the romance comes in when she has a change of heart because shmoop-shmoop-shmoop first family Christmas she's ever experienced? WHY AM I NOT A SCREENWRITER HOW DO I SUBMIT THINGS TO PEOPLE

Anyway, we find out fiance is scum, and later we see that his family is stiff and cold and miserable and a bit *too* much of a contrast to the other family. There's a cookie baking scene, check. The leads have pretty good chemistry, though. But oh, quelle horror! Name mix-up! Wrong family! Oh noes! Anyway there's a thing with a story about grandparents and a clock that's legit creative and sweet... but at the very end, I don't get why t.f. he didn't put the ring they found on her finger.  This movie isn't a complete waste of time, there's just some choices in there that they whiffed that could've made it something special.  

3/5 stars

. Hey! Let's do another like that - but oh boy does this one take a turn.

Dashing Through The Snow (Meghan Ory, Andrew Walker)

You'll recognize Walker from the Tennessee movie with Rachel Boston, he's the one with the cheekbones you could cut diamonds on (no seriously, it's just skin on skull, it's mesmerizing) and you know Ory from lots of other stuff. Be warned: she is annoying as all-get-out in this movie, and it's tolerable, but it spikes every now and again into the I Want To Shake You territory.

This one is bugfuck bananas, and I am here for it.

So it's a eye-roll premise, she gets stuck when her flight reservation gets screwed and then there's no rentals so she and this guy who are going in the same direction agree to share a rental. 

Here's the thing: she's gonna work your nerves, I'll tell you up front. She's this whimsical perky but anal retentive ball of AAAAHHHHHH!!! SHUT UP!!!! that made me quit watching this movie the first time. I went back to it when it re-ran for one reason, and one reason only, and it is this:

After she makes a fuss at the counter to the attendant at the airport about her reservation being fucked up, when attendant is on the phone, she sneaks through to get to the other side (because, y'know - this is the Get On Plane side, over yonder is the Get Off Plane Side where it's easier to get to rental car vs. walking across the airport), and we learn that attendant wouldn't let her board and lied about the whatever was wrong and is on phone because homeland security or feds or whatever are there because some chick with her same name is an international criminal.

Phew! Out of breath.

Now, you have to overlook the fact of why would an international criminal who knows how to evade authorities all the sudden (a) use her real name and (b) make a fuss/a scene and (c) get herself caught all over cameras so that the authorities now know what she looks like for the first time in years. I'm warning you now. I know. I *know*. It's a piss-poor way of going about this, even though it does get explained in, like, the last 40 minutes and with a "Really?" sort of reasoning. But, interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. There’s also a wonderfully cute puppy who lights up the screen, totes steals the show.

So, there's a "twist" that I didn't find to be twisty, I called it the moment ___ interact early on, but that's okay, I can let that go, I guess the endings of easily 95% of movies I watch (blessing/curse). But - AGAIN! - interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. Only reason it didn't make a 3 is how annoying Ory's character is, and how stupidly they portray the FBI, with not listening to their top agent when he says "We're wrong - she had her identity stolen - call off the op." It’s not a “1″ but it may be a “3″ for you, you’ll have to make the call. But for me.... 

2/5 stars

. Hope at Christmas (The lead chick is familiar, her name is Scottie Thompson - Hallmark)

Single mom! Precocious daughter! Returns home to deal with dead grammy's house! Meet cute in bookstore! Mom not terribly into Christmas because kid will be with her dad! She slowly gets back into it! Plans on going back to big city! Ends up staying! Because lurve!

None of the acting was bad (I mean, the little girl is annoying after awhile), but as noted, the story is the same as most others. You make the call, folks. And you'll be able to, I've caught it airing after my initial viewing no less than four or five times, no joke.

2/5 stars . The Sweetest Christmas (Lacy Chabert - Hallmark)

This is about a gingerbread contest. It is boring as fuck. Skip anything involving Lacey Chabert, trust me, this is the only one I managed to make it all the way through, and believe me when I say it was touch-and-go, I had to make myself in order to give her a fair shake. I've never thought she could act, though, to me her voice is less delicate and more whiny, and besides, she's Poor Man's Jennifer Love Hewitt #sorry not sorry  

1/5 stars . Just In Time For Christmas (Doesn't matter, though William Shatner does show up driving a horse-drawn carriage - Lifetime)

Meet Lindsay, a young - too young to be up for tenure, bee-tee-dubs - psychology professor has to choose between a book deal and tenure track at a prestigious university versus accepting the marriage proposal from her longtime, totally adores, really loves him (they are VERY pointed about establishing this) boyfriend. But hey, screenwriters, got a thought, and hear me out: why not both? But I get it, since this movie is from 1975, oh shit sorry, 2015. Yeah, no. Pass.

1/5 stars

. And finally, DHJ.  This is gonna be short and sweet, because on the whole, it blew. But I'll tell you when/where you can watch the fourth, since I won't be covering it and it's gonna come on at an ungodly hour and I likely won't watch it. It sounds like ass.

A Bramble House Christmas (David Haydn-Jones, Autumn Reeser - Hallmark)

The premise is he's a children's book illustrator who comes to this little town under the guise of getting inspo for his next book, but really he's supposed to be confronting the nurse's aid to whom his now-deceased (and estranged) father left a shitton of cash, giving her an injunction (to the will) on behalf of himself and his sister.

But then, lurve. :::sigh:::

Understand up front that this is an hour's worth of "movie" that was stretched into 2 hours, man oh MAN did it drag. And there's all the typical: ice skating where one person sucks; cookie baking; tree decorating (with garish, not subtly-done product placement); also tree in the town square that is visited and "oooh"-ed upon; and precocious child with some oh-noes-sick-kid frosting on top. It is dreck. The premise, sure, okay, that's decently original, but the rest of the story is basic bitch in a bow.

At fifteen til quittin' time, it got straight dumb. She rushes off after she finds out the truth - on Christmas Farging Eve - packing up her and the kid and saying they're off to the airport. How? What? You got no ticket, bitch, where the fuck do you think you're going? Ugh. Idiotic.

One thing, though: if you can get to this in a manner that you can skip to about the 45 minute mark, do it. There is a *moment*. The way DHJ can pull an old Hollywood leading man *look* that says "My dear, I want to kiss you, and well" is a sight to behold.

2/5 stars (one of which is automatic, because DHJ elevates everything he’s in) . You can see the fourth DHJ movie - A Cookie Cutter Christmas - on Hallmark at 1 a.m. CST on Saturday the 22nd of December.

One last entry (#11, tomorrow or Sunday) then a #12 all its own for the pièce de résistance. I'm not overselling it. It is deliciously ridiculous.

#9

Candace Cameron Collection check-in: "Switched For Christmas" is absolute nutterbutters. It is ridiculous and it knows it, so it goes full throttle. I am really impressed with her acting, doing the identical twin thing must be a bitch and a half to film, and she pulls it off. The split screens are well done, too, and not just for TV movie, I mean it's good-good. I'm telling you nothing about the plot. It's sugary sweet, you'll get cavities, and it's not my jam but I couldn't turn it off so that means.... something, I don't know. There was no wine involved, I swear. It's on Lifetime.

But nevermind all that: I know I promised the fanfic movie to end all fanfic movies, but I'd forgotten I promised *before* that to talk about the next David Haydn-Jones feature.

So, last night (read: early this morning, and as of this writing so it may not have been last night at the time you read this) when insomnia struck (read: woke me out of a dead sleep to say HEY IT'S 2 A.M. AND SHIT'S KICKING OFF ON HALLMARK),  I groggily turned on the TV at about 15 after, and to what my wondering eyes did appear?

Hoo-boy. The look on his face says it all. 

Now, as you know, initially DHJ tried to dodge my investigation. It did not work. And I found him trapped between an over-the-cute-line-into-annoying cotton-topped child and Winnie Cooper in "My Christmas Dream" (Hallmark).

And sweet babby jeebus, did he carry this movie.

I like Danica McKellar in real life - not from having met her or something, I mean because she's a giant ol' nerd, she's a mathematical genius, legit (look it up, I can't do everything, I'm shouldering these movies, my brain can't handle it) and she *sparkles* in interviews. Having said that, she's got Claire Novak Syndrome. Put the actress who plays Claire (I can never remember her name, I've no idea why) in front of a camera and it's all dolly dead-eyes, one trick pony angst... and in everything I've seen her in, I've talked about it before, I won't rehash. Danica’s opposite in that she’s ooooooooverdoing everything. I would actually take some flatness. But it’s still Claire Novak syndrome because something fucking happens when the camera starts rolling and it goes unnatural and awkward to watch. Dunno what it’s about. Who cares, not why we’re here.

Anyway, I am only touching on this movie for DHJ purposes, otherwise I wouldn't bother, it’s not worth the time to watch or tell you about, truly. It’s not the worst, but even he seems to be phoning it in for the most part. So. She's a department store exec and he's an artist that's been doing handyman work, they hook up when his *incredibly* annoying child somehow gets to the store on his own to ask if his dad can work there, she gets him home, her car battery's dead, flirting ensues, blah blah biscuits, stir and bake til crispy, and it'll still be sloggy goo in the middle. It's just straight dumb. Don't waste your time. They have negative-integer chemistry, it's pretty embarrassing to watch, honestly.

1 out of 5 stars, and that 1 is all for DHJ.

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That was short, let's pop off a couple more:

Marry Me At Christmas (I didn't note the network or the "stars")

Horrid hair gal meets sentient Ken doll-Archie Andrews hybrid whilst planning his sister's wedding on the fly. Small charming town. He's big city, Hollywood, specifically. Yes, it's the prince and the commoner tale but instead of a prince he's a movie star. Cue the blecccchh. As it's called Marry Me At Christmas, they kinda blew their wad in the title, the sister's wedding goes through as planned, so no drama ahead there.

I really can't say enough about how badly they did her hair. She's got super-curly hair naturally, and I'm not a hairdresser and even *I* know the answer isn't Weigh It Down With Product And Hard, Then Don't Even Finger-Comb It, So It Lays Flat Pancake From Scalp To Ear, Then In Creepy Porcelain Doll Spirals To Shoulders. She looks great when she's in a hat and it's an outdoor scene and it gets tousled. But it's distracting the rest of the time, is my point. Oh, then they inexplicably straighten it for the wedding - curly hair can look *gorgeous* in a formal updo. The one time they didn't leave it curly. 

Yes, this is the only thing worth discussing in the entire movie. Not even worth the bingo card. 1 out of 5 stars.

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Speaking of hair:

Entertaining Christmas (Hallmark) - Jodie Sweetin, Brenden Fehr

Her hair, it's all I can focus on - it's this weird Southern mom bouffy thing when it's not pulled back somehow. Also distracting - and this is a lovely woman, if you've not seen her since she was a child on Full House - are the ill-fitting, unflattering clothing they've put her in. It appears Ms. Sweetin and I share an affliction of the stems, that being... (deep breath) ...hi my name is Nash and I have the legs of a linebacker. It's true. And not a ton of muscle definition, because when I do? Hoo-boy. Heavy-duty linebacker. Best they're left alone. 

Point is, if gals like us do skirts, it ain't flattering to go above the knee, it's just not, it wrecks the silhouette and makes our already chunky-monkey legs look even bigger. And dammit if they didn't do it to her, and not even bother to put her in tights. This woman has huge hooters and a tiny waist, they could've had her rocking some crisp black slacks or a pencil skirt that hit mid calf and a snug lil' cashmere sweater and BOOM, you're channeling Mansfield and Monroe. Bonus that she's a natural blonde. But no, let's put her in matronly above-the-knee shapeless polyester-looking dresses. Ugh.  

Okay, anyway - this is actually a decently inventive plot: she's the daughter of a Martha Stewart type, and she's "poised to be the new face of the brand" - problem is she suuuuuucks at all the cookie making and knitting and whatever. She's also of the thought that imperfections and unique family traditions are more awesome than the largely unattainable perfect-perfect blah-blah from mommy's magazine. I'll give them this: the mom is awesome and nice and kind and understanding, they were smart not to cliche it up and make her a hardass.

But even though it was a creative plot, it just slogs and is so bleh. If you haven't guessed the ending by that synopsis, I don't know what. It's, um... I mean... it's not great, but may appeal to some, so I didn't put it in the This Is A Horrific Attempt At A Nice Lil' Christmas Movie pile. Take that as you will.

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Let us end on a semi-positive note:

Christmas Pen-Pals (Lifetime) - Sarah Drew (who?), character actor you'll recognize immediately (for those of a certain age, it's the dad from Family Ties), other people you'll never have seen before in your life

This should've been called Christmas Cupids because it's about a thing called Christmas Cupids. The people behind these movies are *killing* me.

This one's good, and mainly because the premise is great, it's about secret santa in a potentially match-making way, but hey could also make a good friend. The set-up is that Drew chick is a total brain and she wrote an algorithm for a match-making app but it's so scientific it's boring and as her business partner at said app company put it, it takes away the spark. Which is kinda dumb, because you get the spark when meeting the other person, ain't none of these dating apps giving you in-person spark. Whatever, they're losing users so they need a kick. I missed the part about how she re-worked an electronic app into handwritten letters, but that's neither here-nor-there.

I'm not gonna tell you who she ends up with - you'll guess it nearly immediately, don't worry - but know that even though it's predictable, there's several really sweet and unique moments that I haven't seen in all these other 50,000 carbon-copy Christmas movies. The acting on the part of our leading lady is a little extra, and the other lead is a little flat, and the flow/cadence to the story isn't quiiiiiiite there, but I'm giving it 3/5 stars, so it's not on the rec list, but not a waste of your time.

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And just to recap the rec list thus far...

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

We'll see about doing a rapid-fire round-up next time, and maybe doing The Christmas Fanfic Movie That Out-Fanfics All The Fanfics And The Christmas Movies, but I legit want to watch it all the way through (I only caught the last half) so I can make sure I'm reporting accurately to the three people who are reading these (not bitter don't care doing it anyway).

I'm not overselling this, by the way. I'm not. It is *deliciously* bad.

#8

Okay, as a reminder, the only movies which I've given over 3 stars/would actually recommend you spend your time on (and keeping in mind that a "5" does not mean it's a great movie, it just means it's not overly sad nor overly shmoopy, and doesn't hit a grotesque amount of recycled plots on the bingo card) are: . (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) . Those last two we haven't talked about yet, so I'll cover 'em at the end of this entry - first we're gonna shoot through the ones that aren't a complete waste of time and have recycled shtick, true, but aren't teeth grinding due to the acting or directing or whatnots.

And we're doing this because next update, I'm going to spend the whole thing on where you can find the Whyenne some of you love so dearly, you reblog her every chance you get. It's her. It. Is. HER. Every mannerism, every word, every---- well, I'm spoiling. That's for next time.

Okay, these are all in the 2-to-3 Nash star ballpark...

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Dear Secret Santa (Tatyana Ali, Lamorne Morris) --> there's too much singing for padding the runtime --> you may like it more/find it more satisfying than Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves "The Lake House", and that's all I'm telling you plot-wise

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Kristin's Christmas Past (Shiri Appleby) --> it's exactly what you think it's about by the title --> there's a really cute, snicker-worthy scene near the start with her younger self, and part of it reminds me of the vibe of the rapid-fire convo in Mystery Spot

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A Twist of Christmas (Vanessa Lachey, and someone called Brandon Zub - I think - who is delightful) --> A dad and a mom are shopping for their kids and their bags get mixed up and blah-blah-blah ensues because they're opposites in many ways, but I didn't find it terribly grating --> it's an adorable sort-of snarky-sweet

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Road To Christmas (Jessy Schram, Chad Michael Murray) --> nice premise, he's a good actor, and she's... well... ::sigh:: --> this chick in everything I've seen her in... she apparently has one gear, and that gear is coked-up mouse that skitters everywhere with her barrel-curled hair vibrating around her head... but in this one, she chills as the movie goes, so it's tolerable

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A Christmas to Remember (Mira Sorvino, Cameron Mathison) ---> This aaaaalmost got on the rec list but I can't because the plot is weaksauce "Overboard" (80s movie, Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell, it's hilarious)... -->...but it wasn't the worst, because these two are such good actors, they sell it, and it's sweet, and keeps good pace, so there ya go

Okay, to the goods - next time we'll talk about the ass disasters - and one specifically that I 100% guarantee the fluff fans amongst us will love, despite my ripping it a new one. Which I'm going to do. Because of all these I've watched, the one we'll talk about legit flabbergasted me on many levels.

A Very Nutty Christmas

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart (heh) cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that's what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa's in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you're good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.  

She's a baker, but not some "Waahhh this is hard" sort, and there's no competition, it's nothing but what you'd expect - lotsa cookie orders at Christmastime, but again, she's not super-duper stressed, she’s got the appropriate level of “let’s go, people!”. Now, here's the cheese that I don't want to chase you away: her decorative Nutcracker comes to life (Barry Watson) and helps her out. 

I know, I knoooow. And listen, at the first scene with him, you're gonna think that Barry'll be working your nerves through the rest - I sure as shit did - but stick with it, he ends up being very charming. You may actually be wooed. The character is completely sincere in all he does and says, and you’re happy to see her have this sort of person in her life, because she puts a lot on herself, and boy is that totally relatable.

Other good stuff is you'll recognize all the secondary characters (their actors, I mean), with the exception of the ex boyfriend, but he's well cast, he doesn't play the smarmy too heavily. There's also a good song behind the (standard) montage for once, and smart smart smart is their limited usage of Tchaikovsky outside of the blip of the ballet that we see. And kudos for that, too, limiting the ballet's role in the movie.

The whole thing is tied up with a very satisfying ending. It's fluff done right....

The Christmas Ornament

....and here's angst done right.

This isn’t about an ornament being magical or something how you might think from the title, I promise. It’s significant, but not in some otherworldly way. The situation(s) are absolutely plausible, it’s a believable story, and there’s not all this exposition that explains the characters’ backgrounds, it all unfolds organically, and you’re honest-to-god rooting for them, no matter if the story has them together at the end or not - you’re gonna find yourself saying “I’m okay with this happening for them either way, whether they stay friends or if it evolves.” On that note, kudos to the writer: Cameron’s character is very empathetic and doesn’t push Kellie’s character, not even once - he pushes her to get “out there” and interact with people and be social more than she has been, yes, but in a good friend sort of way (and Jewel’s character is doing the same - it’s in the “we care about you” way).

And this movie looks *fantastic*. The cinematographer and editor gave it big-deal-theater-movie-level treatment, no kidding. Some beautiful shots, especially some lingering ones at the ice rink. Bless the music supervisors, too - no shitty distracting music, and no one (if memory serves) sang for an extended period of time, if at all (I really don’t think anyone sang). Jewel Staite is a treasure, and for once the side-friend was actually necessary to the story, she was well-used.

I also liked it because Kellie’s character is self-assured in many ways, fragile in some ways - in other words, she’s real and she’s relatable. I took issue with one teensy thing, I didn’t track with how it was she was the one to apologize for a misunderstanding, because she actually wasn’t far off base; what she thought made sense for (1) how he’d behaved toward her, and (2) what she’d seen, and (3) what she knew because of what he’d told her prior. In any event, that’s the only real “flaw” (and it could just be a Nash thing) that I saw. This one’s well worth your time. 

  #7

This entry’s about “Dear Santa” (Lifetime), part of the David Haydn-Jones quadrangle Christmas tangle. The plot sounds decent - cheese, but decent. I love Amy Acker, and I love DHJ, this should be a cakewalk.

[15 mins.in] Oh. Oh, my.

Yeah, I'm busting out the Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card, it'll be at the end. Let's see if we can get a win. At a minimum, I think we're gonna be checking a lotta boxes.

Other than our leads, we have poor man's Sean Hayes as gay best friend (h/t @butiaintgonnaloveem) on the scene, and he's outfitted in hot pink chef gear - AT THE SOUP KITCHEN - so that everybody's clear he's a card-carrying member of The Gay. 

Shitty acoustic guitar riffs, cool.

Precocious child plays the flute... and shittily.

There's a homeless man whose shtick is that he won't come inside, never a roof over his head again, and I wanna know (do I?) where he's taking his dumps.

Related, the music continues to be shitty, and I mean toilet-clogging.

Ice skating "lesson", check.

Holy fucknoodles, two grown women are in a food fight. I do not get why Dollar Store Justine Bateman (the snippy girlfriend, the one that is so off-putting it is beyond the realm of possibility that this kindhearted and jovial man is even remotely interested in her despite knowing each other a long time) is so vitriolic, as she's known Amy Acker about five minutes. 

THIS MUSIC

Christmas wish, check.

The green screen effect behind rich mommy checking in from the Caribbean is such ass, I am shocked. You Tubers have better green screens. How do you fuck up a green screen? You're a goddamn cable channel whose focus is movies. TV local news manages to do it with weatherpeople multiple times a day.

Acker and Jones save this dreck. The kid ain't half-bad, either. But they are the types of actors that everything out of their mouths just flows so naturally, even when the plot is ass. I love this Angel-SPN match-up.

JEEBUS HAROLD CRICKET he just said that they are *five* *figures* *deep* in back rent on the soup kitchen and - I quote - "I guess the bank's out of good will".  DO YOU THINK?!

"I thought little girls loved to play the flute" is a line that was just uttered, and bless DHJ for actually getting it past his lips.

I forgot to mention, Acker's displayed some guilt a couple times now because earlier, there was a meet-cute (okay, apparently a near-run-over) incident with a mail carrier, a letter flew out, and - I *must* quote @butiaintgonnaloveem here again - then "instead of giving it back, she commits mail fraud and opens it." 

Now, the guilt is because it's the lil' tyke's letter to Santa, asking him for a new mommy (dead parent/spouse, check) and she's also feeling guilt over tracking them down (why? boredom? sure, that's gotta be the reason, because to remedy the letter situation, you glue that shit shut and stick it in a mailbox, it's just going to an incinerator at the mail station anyway), but it's this misplaced Christmas wish that perplexes me. It's not like she nicked a bill or a wedding invitation or something that's actually important.

I'M A GRINCH

Oh he owns a snowplow business? That name again is Mr. Plow (Simpson's song ref, google Mr. Plow, I'm sure it's somewhere). And it's the song I wish I was hearing, this music is eardrum-thumping. It is a slobbery wet willy. It is *achingly* bad.

He just stared longingly at her and licked his lips, FML.

Now Acker's acting like a snotface. I don't dig it. I'd be cool with her being sharp and not taking the shit from Justine but being classy about it, they've got her being balls-out bitchy.

Why is it taking so long for the wealthy girl to be like HERE IS CASH MONEY FOR YOUR SOUP KITCHEN YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE DAVID HAYDN-JONES --- like I get your charge cards or whatever are snipped, but go sell some jewelry or clothes from last season and shit.

She had the letter in her clutch? She's carrying it around with her? Why? WHY?!? I hate stupid  writing. I hate it. Worse is that it's lazy. HATE. Why was it in her purse? Because someone needed to find it. And there was no other possible way to accomplish that, than having one of your leads be an absolute fuckwit, right? GRRRRRRRRRRR that stuff just works my nerves.

The confrontation scene is good. Neither are over the top. 

Well how's about that? Her Christmas present check will cover the soup kitchen's debt!

Enough with the shitty guitar riffs, it's like I'm watching an SPN ep, and, no, that's not a compliment.

The longest montage for padding runtime is happening, and with another shitty song (but a tolerable one, despite the singer faking a lot of catches in her voice - I would know, I have a natural catch in my singing voice that I had to fight like a mofo for about six years in choir, but I've digressed, just tuck that nugget into your Nash file), showing Acker moping and DHJ sighing, then him running by the soup kitchen to sit in his snow plow and angst, and then....

....oh lookee there! She did the thing. Sean Hayes - in a sheer v-neck inexplicably over a long-sleeved cotton shirt like I'm presently wearing because it's what I lounge/sleep in, with a Coach neckerchief to top it all off (on god, I cannot make this up) - is now sassing DHJ, saying the letter thing was fate. And I mean... yeah, it was, right? Whatever, if DHJ was single and I had the chance, I'd be happenstancing my way near him as much as (and smoothly as, natch) possible.

I CAN BE SMOOTH SHUT UP

Smooches near the town tree square or whatever it is. And now we're back, and now the homeless dude has agreed to come inside, and we still have absolutely zero idea why he doesn't like being inside, and they have (checks time) less than 2 minutes to resolve it.  *see below*

Nope. That's it. That's how it ends. The homeless man came inside. Because that was the primary arc. 

No. It wasn't. 

It should end with us seeing him come in, sure (I'll ignore the boom of Chekov's Gun firing in the background), but we end NOT with the moment between DHJ and random homeless dude - which, again, let me be clear is *exactly* what happened - but rather with him coming in and all the rest of the homeless comrades and staff and Acker and Jones greeting them, then we see our two main characters and the kid sitting down like a family, pull back, we see them through the window in which Christmas tree lights are reflecting, pull back further, it starts to snow, cut to credits. 

Imma give this one 3 stars outta 5. It wasn't a total ass disaster, but it wasn't that great. It was okay. The Bingo card concurs, as it didn't get filled up, but it got damn close to being a 2/5 (in my mind, every bingo = a point off because it means it’s so unoriginal a damn bingo card could’ve written it):

Addendum:

Butiaint reports that "the homeless guy wouldn't go inside because the last building he walked into was a casino and he lost 'every last penny', so he could never 'just step inside ever again'," to which I, very calmly, replied --->

I'll do an addendum.... that still doesn't... I don't.... what? That's.... why not just say he can't make himself sit down for a homecooked meal because it causes him too much pain because his family died in a car wreck going out Christmas shopping and a dinner/meal was his last memory of them? It didn't need to tie into the money thing with her, that thread was fine on its own.... goddamnit I hate stupid writing

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Back to quick round-ups and arbitrary ratings of a bunch of movies in the next one, once I get my notepad transcribed.

  #6

For some reason, this whole entry morphed into a recap of "Holiday High School Reunion" with Rachel Boston (Lifetime). You'll recognize this gal, she's been in others for Lifetime, and I personally recognized her for the pretty damn entertaining, sadly short-lived Witches of EastwickEnd series. It was a fan-frikkin'-tastic cast of awesome women, they made any sloggy scripts watchable. I digress.

I immediately empathized with this character because not even a quarter of the way into the movie she's (a) dreading her high school reunion, and (b) hates social media because she doesn't wanna have to justify/be asked about/etc. her life, as she's not where she wants to be. I personally would add onto that the distinct apathy regarding the details of everyone's life. It's either veneered in fabulous or dipped in drama-filled Debbie Downer. Blecchhh. I've digressed again.

There's been a brief funny daydream - if they do more, I'm in, it was pretty cute. And there's been a brilliant piece of screenwriting in this movie, and I want to share it for my writer buddies because it was a *pristine* show-don't-tell.

(Let me say here real fast, to paint you a picture,  that she's dressed casually - hoodie, and I think lounge-y pants or maybe pajama pants, or maybe just jeans, can't recall - because it's clearly way past end of workday, and the character I'm about to talk about is in a crisp white button-down and tie and suit slacks.)

Her father arrives to find her on a porch that's covered in strings of Christmas lights wound around the poles/pillars/whatever you call them of the railings, and around the trimwork of the house, and they're these great pops of vivid colors in the night, first of all. So we're seeing her standing there, smiling and happy to see him, and what's in the foreground is a series of bulbs along the window or door frame, and one of the bulbs is out.

Instead of truly greeting his daughter, first thing he does as they barely start chatting, and while she's speaking, is saunter over right into frame, blocking our shot of her, and give that bulb a twist til it lights.

My immediate thoughts: He's a dick. He likes everything just so. He enjoys perfection. He's not interested in effort, just execution. He zeroes in on faults. He actively ignores/doesn't care about the fact that his daughter is happy to see him. He doesn't consider her important enough to receive his attention first and foremost. He's a supreme dick. And he's gonna make her feel like shit for where she is in life, which is her biggest insecurity, which he should know, because that's how good dads operate. But he's not a good dad. Not at all. And I bet he's about to donkey punch her feels.

All that from a twist of a bulb.

And I was right: he proceeded to make her feel like shit by being snotty about her job and comparing her to his golf buddy's daughter. Then she still managed to sit back down at her laptop and focus on what she was doing and smile a genuine smile, and now I like her and feel for her even more. No one would have blamed her if she cried, or snapped at him, or slammed her laptop closed and had an Angst Attack, and those would be writing choices too. But the choice is for her to make the best of things.

We also know this because it is reinforced with another good show-don't-tell via actions (versus her announcing it ad nauseam or other people saying it ad nauseam), when red punch gets spilled on her white dress at the reunion and the snobs are like "Ohmigawd!" and gasping, she goes "Well I think it looks kinda cool!" She does snag a cardigan because she's aware it's an eyesore, so yeah, she's lying to herself. It's clearly a survival mechanism, her childhood must've been a dream with a father like she's got (rolls eyes).

And the lie(s) she tells is to avoid the drama of not living up to the "Most Likely To Succeed" superlative, and even then it's a relatively minor lie, she's not making herself super-duper fabulous because she doesn't feel super-duper presently. She's cheerful without being obnoxiously Pollyanna, and her dynamic with her best friend (you'll recognize him, too, he's the dude who dated Regina George and who Cady had a crush on in "Mean Girls") is phenomenal, they have great chemistry and I'll be honest, I see where this is going and I've got some faith in these screenwriter(s) that they'll actually pull it off smoothly.

There's been a dance/song routine and it is horrific and I hate it. I hate it hard. It's stupid and lasts too long and is purely for padding the runtime. But. It had a good point, albeit one that could’ve accomplished in less time. The three queen bees who were her fake friends in high school, and are her fake friends now, all remember this routine to a pristine degree, and of course we see our girl whiff it the more it goes on, she knocks over a prop, turns this way when she should've turned that way, and I feel her - high school is utterly forgettable. 

I’m about to digress, so skip the indent if it doesn’t apply to you - anyone reading this who is currently a senior? 

Enjoy it, it's your last year, enjoy being kings of the hill. I liked my senior year for several reasons but the biggest one was that I was getting the hell out of there. I was liked, I was decently popular and I made good grades and was in honors choir,  but I wasn't top-tier popular or the head cheerleader or the valedictorian or homecoming queen or always having a boyfriend, none of that, and what I was? That stuff I just listed?

None of it matters. I've not been to any reunions, because I don't care to reminisce. Not that it was horrible or something, it was... *shrugs*. I'm still friendly with the people I went to high school with, ended up going to college with a couple of 'em, matter of fact, and I like who we are as adults tenfold vs. who we were in high school. Because as grown-up as you feel? You're a child. You're all children. I was a child. We were all children (even the couple of gals who, um, had children/were preggers before all was said and done and diplomas hit hands). We were. It just is.

So I assure you: the people who still wistfully think about high school, the ones who "peaked" in high school? There's something mentally still childlike about them, and I don't have the time nor the inclination to deal with man/woman-babies. I'm a grown-up. So believe me when I say that life is about to open up like a motherfucker. And if you did happen to peak in high school? Leave that behind, too. Resting on childhood laurels won't serve you well, because other than some of those accolades getting you into college? Nobody - and I mean nobody - in grown-up world cares about that shit.  

Oh christ another song. And a daydream (pseudo-flashback? hard to say, I was getting a snack). But again, more reinforcement of how high school doesn't matter to her but super-matters to others, in this case how she (former head cheerleader) didn't place give much memory real estate to how she'd broken off things with high school boyfriend (former quarterback), but it's like the first thing he asks about as soon as they're alone.

"Wow well... that was a long time ago," she says, starting to think back, then ultimately says - "I thought you were cheating on me."

He totally was, I don't even need to see a flashback, hundred percent, he's scum.  Whoa shit, speaking of - another flashback whilst kissing him, but whoa shit part two, it went to a fun, happy memory with best friend. Not subtle, this movie - of course she'll end up with him.

The divas are now in the bathroom gossiping about her and don't know she's in there. Again, the not caring, this time more blatant - "She ruined the routine!" - "It's like she doesn't even care" - "Can't believe she broke up with him on prom night" - "He deserves better".

One of these bitches was the one he was cheating with, no doubt. They also talk about how one of them called around, found out her job wasn't what she passed it off as, that she's a wardrobe assistant vs. a right-hand-(wo)man to this swank designer. The Queen Bitch calls her "nobody", and the minor bitches are saying how they're her best friends and wondering why she wouldn't tell them the truth. Hey, cheerleaders: Gimme a D! Gimme an E! Gimme an L! ....fuck, this is gonna take too long.... Gimme a USIONAL! What does that spell? DELUSIONAL! *pom shakes* *high kick* *herkie* *round-off-back-handspring*

Oh lord why is she doing a weird impromptu cheer routine.... best friend jumped in to support and encourage and some people seemed to get into it but... the fuck? These screenwriter(s) are either on point or left field, jeebus.

Speaking of field, she and best friend are out lying on the football field, and they're talking fun memories - as in, the only ones that are vivid in her mind are the ones involving him, and vice-versa. I will give them this: the flashbacks are cute and short and don't derail the momentum. They're really well done. The songs are the whiff.  

Now the queen bees are discussing their next routine. THE !!FINAL ROUTINE!!! AND SHE HAD A SOLO! (Why the shit are they performing routines at their reunion? I've heard tale of slide shows and videos and stuff like that, but fucking stage shows? Damn I hope that punch is spiked.) One of the minor bitches - the sweet ditzy one - is weeping loudly when Queen Bitch says our gal's officially out of their glee club. But she says "glee club", as in... they're the only 4 members? No other members are in attendance at the reunion? Looks like it was a big-ass graduating class.  ????  Got me.

Our gal's mom - who is MARILU HENNER DID I MENTION THAT and has been woefully underused thus far - has overheard. Commercial break. I need a Mountain Dew.

We're back. Marilu is completely opposite of Dick Dad. Now we're in a random B story where one of the bitches is flirting hard with the principal.... and the mic's hot. But she ain't embarrassed, says she'll meet him wherever someplace at midnight.  Oh and I forgot that best friend's not-really girlfriend flew out to join him as a surprise and he'd been like "Wha..." and she serves no purpose. Even now, when she gasps and squeals excitedly "Oh you're in love with her!" She ain't mad, and good, because nobody cares. And she's all pumped because she's made lots of friends with these people she'd never seen before in her life.

Fucknoodles the !!!FINAL ROUTINE!!! is bad. Now the solo. Our girl's taken the stage and Queen Bee didn't put up a fight, just stormed off. And here we go: she's making a speech about how she's not yet lived up to the Most Likely To Succeed, but their votes meant a lot to her, and she's not giving up. It's good shit.

And then they start chanting her name (it's Georgia, btw).

And then she starts her O Holy Night solo.

*sigh*

This movie is well-written but there's *so* much unneeded padding to the runtime. And she's on key and there's nothing wrong with her voice but it's nothing special. So what? Lots of people can sing in tune. I don't get it.

Flashback. Yeah, totes cheating, and he admits it - which, if she remembers, then that contradicts the earlier conversation when he denies it... huh? - and now she's in the gym, where she's bummed about the breakup. Best friend rescues, gets her up and dances with her for the last dance.

Have I mentioned that everyone looks identically the same? And we're supposed to be ten years out? Seriously. Hair and everything. Except for - and I don't know why - the bitch trio. (Dear Wardrobe and make-up departments: WHAT.)

So yeah yeah yeah, they share the last dance at the reunion because the whole thing was a fucking talent show-prom do-over (reunions are just not like that, y'all, I know I haven't been to one but my mother has - helped plan one, matter of fact - and they aren't Prom Part Deux, nor are there glee club and cheerleading routines, nor are they scheduled around major holidays. Dear Writers: ALSO WHAT.)

Ending is rushed and is stupid. Holy shit, they whiffed it. They actually ended on the totally unneeded B plot of the prinicpal seduction (which, by the way, consisted of a whopping 2 scenes... possibly 3, clearly it made no impact). This is the stupidest thing, they ended on such a bad note it leaves an icky taste in my mouth for this movie.

This one gets 2.5 stars out of 5. It had 3.5 for most of it, and then when we hit that first routine at the reunion, man did the points start coming off. This was classic fanfic: a ridiculous premise, sure, there’s things you have to overlook out of the gate (like, say, how nobody sane would plan a farging high school reunion at Christmas, at least not if they wanted actual attendance) but the execution’s great for the first half and then something happens and brains melt and it swerves into oncoming traffic and gets hit by The Trope Bus. ::sigh:: Ah, well. 

Ermahgerd, "Christmas Shoes" is coming on *warning lights flash* * dives for remote, goes to safety of Hallmark Movies and Mysteries immediately *

Next entry: part one of the David Haydn-Jones Christmas movie trifecta. Finally caught one. It stars the chick that played Winnie Cooper.  And holy jumping Jiminy Cricket, was it bad.

#5

Candace Cameron will star in any movie that’s Christmas themed and I am determined to watch all of them. She’s typically cursed with a snoozeville co-lead. The Alaskan doctor one isn’t bad. The executive who’s there to examine the lodge one is absolutely snore-worthy. The one about the saving dad’s business with nutcrackers one is pretty okay. I am actively avoiding the newest one about magic shoes. Christmas shoes never ends well.

Double feature with someone I vaguely recognize as being from a CW show in the early aughts, but clearly not one I actually watched, or I’d remember. Anyway, broad strokes: one is from a couple years ago, she’s a single mom and there’s this locket with a nautical star on it that’s literally, um, locked, and..... it’s not brought up again til the end. You’ll know the movie because you’ll think to yourself “This doesn’t know what it wants to be” - is it about the locket and how it was a gift from her mother and she lost it and it was somehow pivotal to discovering who her birth father was? Or is it about the custody battle with the asshole ex-husband and her losing her job and being evicted? Or is it about the meet-cute then “crossed wires” recurrent situations with the shop owner’s grandson? I have no idea. But there’s precocious kids and a bakery. It had potential, and that actress is good and so was the co-lead, but script = hot mess.

Second one is about a poinsettia farm and stars Bo Duke/Jonathan Kent, depending on your generation. She’s from the big city and she’s a-comin’ home to save the family business! I assume she meets someone at a bakery, I wasn’t pulled in at all, my remote finger got real twitchy, but when I flipped back toward the end, surprise! She’s a-stickin’ around, she’ll run the family business, don’t sell the farm, screw her life at the other place with the things! 

I actually have another recommend: “Operation Christmas”

Solid script, and hella fine acting by one Ms. Tricia Helfer. I have loved her since Battlestar Gallactica, SPN fans will know her as the lady ghost on the road who doesn’t know she’s dead. That chick. Killa actress. You wanna talk about a good crier on camera? Top tier, here. My cold, black, shriveled heart actually giddy-up’d and I possibly got misty when she bursts into tears in this movie. Also stars Marc Blucas, who Buffy fans will remember as Riley, and I like him, too. 

There are precocious kids, and this coulda gone cheaply exploitative with the military angle, but it sticks the landing with only minor wobbles, it hits heartwarming vs. cheese. There’s an odd fixation on singing in the back half (several characters singing solo at various points), and it’s awkward to watch (and hear, because of the distinct shift your ears will detect between the “on set” and the “in recording studio” audio) because with the exception of one, when they blend it into a professional singer whilst slipping into a wee montage of Christmas tree delivering - or unloading, I can’t recall, who cares - the songs go on Way. Too. Long. 

Except.

What they did during the talent show during the Silent Night number? That sing-a-long? Now, that I wish had been a little longer. A+ job, screenwriter(s). The very-very end was saccharine, but it was short, and that’s what counts because I realize you were trapped, this is Hallmark Christmas movie we’re talking, you had to do it, you’d been steady through the rest of the script, they wanted their shmoop, no one blames you.

Something called “The Sound of Christmas” has just come on, and there was so much exposition dump in the *first* *three* *minutes* that the titular sound is actually gonna be the click of my remote control. Oh lord looks like the lead male is poor man’s Ray Liotta who’s a high-powered blah-blah-blah. And seems it’s precocious child: petulant teen edition. I’m out.

David Haydn-Jones continues to elude.

#4

Pattern detected: Plot--->

The conflict must be saving family business/home from certain doom

Business = service industry (store, bakery, gardening/plants/farm, lodge/hotel)

Female protagonist supes busy with her stuff and such in the big city; has to leave; returns; likely plans to stay forever

Precocious child, standard

Execution--->

One lead must be a notably better actor than other; neither may be on-point overall; if both are something, that something is teeth-grinding to watch and/or listen to

Exposition with (admittedly) necessary facts must come early on, and in dialogue dumps, preferably just one big fatty, and preferably between two people who already know this information vs. to someone who is not privy to this information

Character introduction/pertinent background must not trickle out organically over the first act via showing their actions and other characters' reactions; just throw in with that plot exposition dump

A big gun was pulled out last night - Patti LaBelle was briefly in one, watched some of it, was glad to see an original plot (mostly; see above, re: female protag mold) but then I thought better of it, googled, and yup, based on a book. Ah, we meet again, Not Original Story. This morning, tangentially related, something-something-rich-dude-reg-chick, and they were named Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet #fml #gag #stay away #get Austen out of your mouths  

Presently playing is one whose plot sounds suspiciously like The Parent Trap: Christmas Edition, Nashville Style. Sort-of, I mean, we start there, then I'm not clear on where they drive to, but it's still Southern, and props to the filmmakers for not going nuts on the snow, someone actually did some research. I will also compliment them for only letting the folks who have some form of natural Southern accent/Southern cadence use it, the rest speaking in standard North American accents.

Now, two things: I love the Lohan version of P.T., a lot a lot a lot, and I'll hear nothing bad about it. Secondly, I'm going to refrain from commenting on shite Southern accents in movies in general, this one and elsewhere, such as in the Kellie Pickler Graceland-set Christmas one that aired yesterday that I could only tolerate in five minute increments as I flipped back and forth to Law & Order SVU frequently for palate cleanses #Mariska sorbet

But it got off to a good start,  the opening credits were creative and unique, and I recognize the lead actors. Kids don't seem terribly precocious. Hmmm.

I shall give it a chance.

[time passes; returns to draft]

It's not Parent Trap, summary was garbage, it's not about the precocious kids, and no one has a high-powered career, no one is filthy rich, and both lead actors are really great. The chick is Sissy Spacek's daughter, I've seen her in other stuff before, have always liked her, I think she's talented. I recognize the lead dude from something I've seen before, too, he's a bit of poor man's Paul Rudd, but good. There's a somewhat difficult grandma, but she's not unlikable, you kind of get where she's coming from, and it's because it's Dee Goddamn Wallace, the queen of playing mothers (youngsters, google her, you'll likely recognize her, leave out the goddamn when you do).  

The background music isn't overly country-fied nor syrupy-shmoopy twinkle-bells. The dialogue is actually decent and delivered believably by all parties. The kids aren't annoying. The side characters are just that, left to the side, there's no best friend/sister taking up screen time. The leads have an easy, natural chemistry. Holy fucknoodles, I might recommend this one to you. I'm actually watching this one. I'm legit watching it.

[time passes; returns to draft]

What I said above continued, then there was horse-riding and acoustic guitar and even a classic car. The chick wasn't the one leaving to go back to what-the-hell-ever. Nobody was pining for anybody, and the conflict at play was completely realistic. Okay, yeah. Recommend. Hundred percent. This is the angst-turns-to-love with a dash of domestic life AU fic many folks keep trying to write and not quite getting there (Hi, I'm Nash, and I'm supes blunt when I'm under-the-weather), then your bonus that it's set at Christmastime.

The exposition on backstory was done pretty dang smoothly, but better was that we weren't told who these characters are/were, we were shown. *And zero flashbacks* There's several great, snappy, shot-across-the-bow lines. There's a religious element that is pitch-perfect and appropriate and not overbearing. The ending song is a smidge too long, didn't need to hear the whole thing, but it's kept simple and the lyrics are sweet without being cheese, so I'll give it that. Pacing overall is a little wobbly, they probs could've trimmed a good ten-to-twelve minutes of runtime, and there's a side character who blips on the scene that was poorly cast as his lack of prowess sludges up the vibe (charismatic, he ain't, maybe he's somebody's spouse *ahem*), but this one's pretty solid, y'all.

It's called "Every Other Christmas", starring Schuyler Fisk, on Lifetime Movie Network - it just premiered the other night, apparently, so with rebroadcasts you should have plenty of opportunity to catch it.

Okay, back to the shmaltz.

#3

My dearest:

[cue old-timey, slightly depressing instrumental courtesy of rickety fiddles; narration by Ken Burns]

Exposition anvils continue to drop from the sky with abandon, though I’ve not succumbed to my injuries, have no fear. 

Alicia Witt was lovely in something about a novelist who was rejected by both successful novelist boyfriend and publisher, but then meets very successful other novelist who is hiding the fact that he is such. I only caught the last quarter. Disappointed in lack of fanfic about novelists. I tire of writing “novelist”.

Our regiment (myself, General Pup, and Lieutenant Pup) is currently surrounded by a tale of a stewardess who has gotten entangled with a dude whose daughter she was in charge of because unaccompanied minor on flight. Dude is the lead from “That Thing You Do”, he was the next Tom Hanks before Colin Hanks got old enough to fill that role. I am saddened this dude has not gotten mucho awards. None of this matters.

I am more of the sads that the flufferfic-ers have not stalked and mauled and chewed on the carcass of the premise of Whyenne being a flight attendant who captures Dean’s heart when she captures his vomit during a flight to wherever to do something. Or, scratch that; she magically cures him of his fears with her enchanted hoo-hah, because that’s how phobias work. And assuming there’s plot, the hunt for the whatever can take place on the plane, like that Harrison Ford movie or that Jodie Foster movie or that Kurt Russell movie. It would have to be a big-ass plane. They could still bang in the bathroom, even though there’s plenty of places to go.

I have no more plot to give, I am exhausted and according to the thing, you know, the thingy that tells what’s on next, there’s no restorative Candace Cameron in the near future. I may have to settle for one of the Duff sisters.

David Haydn-Jones remains elusive.

General Pup is barking orders. I must end here. Ever yours - Nash. #send vodka

[Transferred 2nd post]

#2

Report from the front line:

There’s been a Denise Richards bakery-related jam. Also a Lacey Chabert - who is a baker - jam. The first had a Christmas cookie contest, the latter a gingerbread competition. Not to be confused. Something with people I’ve never seen before in my life just started, about a big CEO and a bakery. Candace Cameron was in another one, and though it’s bakery-free, those are all starting to blend together.

Send rations.

[Transferred 1st post]

#1

I have felt like garbage and been homebound for two days, and then today (oh blessed event, and I am dead serious, I love it) the onslaught of Fanfic Movie Time has begun, a.k.a. Totes Ridiculous Christmas Situation Lurve-Conflict-Lurve Movie Season on Lifetime/Hallmark/that other network I can never remember the name of, and due to foggy brain I got sucked in. There was a king and ice skating, something about Louisiana with JDM’s wife where everybody’s hair looked horrendous, and then another one with Candace Cameron in Alaska. It was great. Legit. I haven’t laughed as hard. It helped me cough up disease. #bless you Candace

[angel-scythe]

Chloé : Chapter 16

Heya!

Chapter around my Lizzie! I’m so happy when she’s there! (But I hate it when OC takes all the place so I try to not have her around but she’s Gavin’s daughter and he’s a good papa sooooo)

(Fun fact, I listened to ‘johny, Johny’ yesterday and typing ‘papa’, the song jump in the front of my brain.)

Anyway here is the door... smash it to hug my little Lizzie? (but maybe you’ll have a fic instead =P)

|   ° | (oh or just keep reading?)

6th December, 17:56

 “Can we keep hiiiim?”

“Eliza’!” Gavin voice went out harshly.

The little girl wasn’t use to it and snorted sadly. She looked toward Connor, crouched near her. He was there since few minutes and had finished his report in Hank’s car but it was time to go back home. Even Gavin thought about that, it was a thing!

Felix was looking them, perplex.

“We will see us very soon, Elizabeth, don’t worry.” Connor smiled to the young and took her in his arms softly.

“But I’ll miss you. I like you very much, Conny.”

“I like you too. I can’t wait to see you again but you can have some time with your papa and that’s nice too. Isn’t it?”

“Yes. Because my papa is awesome.”

Hank coughed. Worry, Connor got up and came to give him a glass of water. Felix still looked the scene as Gavin sighed and looked meanly the Lieutenant.

“Thanks you, Eliza’” he said in the same time. “Don’t worry this di…ldo will come home soon enough.”

He stiffed. What?

Hank almost choked with his water.

“This what?”

“Just searching a non-insult! I skid, okay?!”

Connor had wild eyes while the little girl tugged his t-shirt under the maroon leather vest.

“What is a dildo, papa?”

“Absolutely nothing. I said Dino.”

“Ooooh! Yeah! Conny is a Dino. Rawr!”

Connor caught the little girl and rose her in the air, making her laugh. As soon as he lowered her, she threw her arms around him.

“I’ll miss you so much.”

“Me too.” He caressed her hairs. He wanted to offer to play with Felix but looking toward him, he didn’t think it was a good idea. “When we see us again, you must tell me what’s happen in Hallowe’en party, okay?”

“I swear.”

He put a kiss in her cheek then put her in the floor.

Since it was only eighteen, the commissionership was full of people, Wanda, of course, but also Ben and Chris, Fowler and few others people. The Android wanted to kiss, at least, Gavin’s cheek too but they he just couldn’t. Never the cop could bear the fact that he liked as much an Android.

He couldn’t do that to this person he liked very deeply.

“You come, son?” Hank asked as he went toward the exit.

“Yes, I’m coming, Lieu… daddy.”

“Winky face,” Gavin said with a smile pretty pawky.

Connor didn’t care about that, knowing it was for Gavin the way he’ll show his feeling. He really needed to buy a phone, maybe he could send soft messages to the man he cared. The… man younger that he daddy cared about? Well!

He waved the hand to Elizabeth and ran after Hank to catch him up at the exit door. The Lieutenant opened the car for him and let him install himself in the siege. He attached the belt and smiled to the man when he was, too, installed.

“I’m so happy I could come live to your place. And I’m sorry to make you wait.”

“I understand you had things to do. The little Lizzie really like you, she’s cute and even cuter when you play with her.”

“Yeah, I really like her. She’s cute and adorable. Gavin has a nice girl.”

“Yes. Surprising knowing the dude.” Hank turned the keys in the motor contact and threw the car in the road and the music too.

It was a nice band between jazz and metal. It was pretty avant-garde and he liked it.

“Do you know her daddy?”

“Yes. Not personally but I know who he is. Fowler said it’s a nice guy.”

“Everybody know him?”

“Well, the Captain already came to took her or let her at Gavin. It depends. He seems to be a nice guy. Don’t know how he ended up with Gavin and why they decided to adopt together. I think it was a surrogate mother? I could remember him leaving earlier to take care of the youngie when she has few days. However, the girl wasn’t as cute as Cole.”

Hank tightened his hands around the flywheel. In fact, Connor could feel the uneasy of the man. When they were in car together, the Lieutenant was very very carefully as he drove. It was painful but also a sweet thing.

“Of course she wasn’t.”

“It’s nice to you to care about her despite what the father did to you.”

“Yeah…”

Connor didn’t say a thing, didn’t want to say he was sad to don’t receive a kiss before they left.

They talked about a lot of things, the case, what they loved, what Hank will eat, what they could watch and talk a little about bad habits. For Hank to drink, for Connor… to lick evidence. He did this earlier too and the man wasn’t happy at all.

 6th December, 18:21

 The key turned in the door and then the wood was pushed. A woof came from the living room and Connor almost bounced of joy.

“Can I play with Sumo? Please?”

“Yes, of course. When you’ll have finish…”

“I would never!” Connor replied as he dashed toward the dog.

Dog who bark joyfully and went on his heavy backpaw to fall on Connor. The Android laughed and caressed him while the tongue bathed him.

Hank smiled and took off his vest and his shoes.

“When you’ll have finish, I said, you can go to your room. I’ll show it to you.”

“Okay.”

Connor knew it, in the fact. The house was quite tiny and there wasn’t much room. A kitchen separated from living room only because of the change of floor, a garden which needed to be pampered, as the wall of the house, and two bedrooms. Then you add the bathroom and, of course, you could understand what the bedroom available once bore as little sleeper.

“I don’t need to sleep, if it needed…” he tried, a little uneasy.

“Yeah? And? You need a place to rest and do your stuff.”

Hank went to the kitchen to search already prepared food. If he cooked it a little and add things, Connor would see it as a good meal and won’t annoy him.

“Okay… Then…”

“Yes?” Hank asked as the question didn’t come.

“Can I keep Sumo with me? He can come to the bed?”

The old man sighed a little then smiled.

“Why not.”

“Yeah, thank you!”

“Are you competent for Selfie’s things?” Hank asked while ruffling his hair.

“Yes. Oh, Fowler wants me to have a cellphone, since we’re talking about that.”

“Why don’t you order one in internet? I won’t help you with that, you know. I still have mine from the moment Johanna offered me this one.”

Connor rose the head to look him. Johanna… it was the first time he mentioned his ex-wife in his presence. He knew she asked for divorce not long after Cole’s dead. Maybe she reproached the death of their son to him? One time, he searched for the Lady… she even didn’t live in Michigan anymore. For Connor, it seemed it was a good thing. Less chance to cross her road because of the hazard.

“Didn’t it remind her to you?”

“Na. That’s just a phone. Why should it remind her to me?” He shrugged. “You want to take a Selfie with me?”

“Oh! Yes. And one with Sumo?”

“Of course.” Hank smiled. “I’ll end up to believe you prefer the dog to me.”

“Nooo.” Connor kissed Sumo’s head and jumped on his foot before ran toward Hank to hug him.

The man laughed and hugged him back.

“Love you too, son.”

He pressed his head against his soft hairs.

 6th December, 18:05

 “Okay… Pick up your stuff, Eliza’.”

“Okay!”

The little girl put down her crayon and folded her drawing with care to put it in her schoolbag. It was a drawing for Connor and she didn’t want to damage it.

In the room, there still was Wanda, Felix and two Humans cops for the night shift. The little girl couldn’t help to look toward the RK900 as she took her father’s hand. She frowned a bit and still waved her hands to him as she followed the man.

They went out of the office and Gavin bring her to the care, opening the door. He let her install herself and checked she attached her belt before taking the place before the flywheel.

“Papa?”

“Yes?”

“Who is this man looking like Connor?”

“Don’t pay attention. It’s a useless thing.”

“A Connor’s friend?”

“No.”

“Oh…” The little girl looked shy and she looked her father. “Did you have a good day?”

“Ugh. The worst. And you? You did nice things?”

“Yes! We worked multiplications and it was nice. I should show you! We’ll do homework when arrive?”

“Yes. Do you have a lot?”

“No. But I must study. The teachers said we have control before Christmas.”

“Okay. I’ll make the supper while you study.”

The little girl looked her daddy, moving her legs shyly. Gavin didn’t miss it when he threw a look in the window.

“What?” he asked.

“Can’t I help you with the supper?” she asked more shyly.

Gavin thought about Connor. He was kind of mad against him because now his life changed but he always did his best for her daughter to be happy. If making supper with him could get her happy, was it so bad?

“Only if you have finish your homework soon enough.”

“Yes! I have only math left. You’ll see, I’m getting good at it!”

“I’m happy for you, sweetie. Can’t wait to see it.”

“Yeaaah! At school, we had parents that come to talk about their job. Emma was sad so I stayed with her… But Andy’s papa was there and he talked about his job.”

“Hm? Who?”

“Andy Smith, papa. I already told to you about him. It’s the little guy with glasses.”

“Can’t remember.”

“It’s the one who hit me in the nose when I said I was happy to have my daddy’s good vision, sorry papa.”

“That’s son of the…motherless goat!”

“Yup,” the little girl laughed.

“One day I’ll fucked him up.”

“His dad is a lawyer. Lawyer must be a cool works.”

“Lawyer? The man his lawyer and his boys is a little shii…iitake mushroom? God. … Anyway, lawyer is a cool job. You can help innocent to live normally.”

“Yeah, he said so.”

The car stopped in front of the huge building the little family lived. Elizabeth checked around as her father asked her to do, then opened the door.

“He said he worked with policemen so I said my daddy was Captain then my papa and my stepfather Detective!”

Gavin frozen as he opened his door.

“What?”

“They were all impress. But Andy told me I was a liar.”

“This boy is a poo on a stick. Don’t go near this fu… dgecake.”

“Yeah! He even wouldn’t believe it was an Android. He said nobody was dumb enough to be with an Android. Then… I bite him!”

She bounced toward the front door.

“You…”

Gavin went to his girl and crouched to be at his tall.

“My Queen, my love. Inside my heart, I’m very, very, very proud of you. If someone annoys you, don’t let him upset you. But as a cop, and since I don’t want your daddy to piss me off, it’s bad to bite people. Or hit. Punch. Or whatever.”

“Even if he’s a fucker?”

“Even if he’s a don’t-use-that-word-in-front-of-your-daddy.”

He passed his hand in her hair.

“You’re a little devil but I still love you.”

She jumped at his shoulders and he rose her up, opening the door to go to the staircase. The lifter was a good thing since they lived in the seventeen stories but it always stink. He was sure peoples peed there.

“And why do you say to everyone you have a stepfather?”

“Because I do.”

“Tell me more, I’m interested.”

“Conny is my stepfather! I’m sure the wedding will be awesome.”

Gavin sighed.

“There won’t be haven any wedding. I never married your daddy, I’ll certainly not marry a guy I met one month ago and a fu…n Android never.”

“But they can marry now.”

The man put down his daughter.

“Now you walk. Eh, end of the conversation. Let’s talk about Santa Claus. Did you already prepare the list for him?”

“Yes! Since weeeeks! I wanted to have biiiig stuff instead of little but daddy says Santa Clause prefer to split it my presents between you and him. But I don’t get why he always give less when I’m here… he doesn’t like you? But we prepare cookies for him.”

“Hm. I think it’s because we don’t have much room. He doesn’t want us to be overwhelmed.”

“So he’s awesome!”

“Yes. And will make him nice cookies when the time will come.”

“Yes!”

The little girl smiled as she followed him in the stairs. As they climbed, they continued to talk about things and others.

[mantis-cat]

17

Oh Boy where do I begin. Despite not being interested in romance my self, like all my stories revolve around the power of love... and murder. 

Theses are going to be grouped by story. I wish I had visuals but I just don’t draw my oc that much. A lot of these ocs are unnamed.

1. “werewolf story”

* Silver and Din (F/M both are werewolves, kind of a friends to lovers story,)

there are more for this one but they are ether minor or spoilery.

2. Crystal magic system world

*Howl and Gion (M/M Howl is a human and Gion is a half drake, they bond over fighting each other)

3. Stuff that happens in space (part one)

*Kedra and May (F/F May has some special ability and every one wants to turn her into a weapon, Kedra is a cyborg who rebels against her faction by saving  May)

4.Stuff that happens in space (part two: the big one)

*Starga and Evada (M/MStarga is an immortal government experiment gone wrong who escapes, rescues Evada from being sold in to slavery. Evada just a normal terribly unlucky guy)

Evada and Gavin (M/M Starga goes in to exile because the rebels turn on him. Evada is heart broken and Gavin father figure dies both bond over emotional turmoil. Gavin is a cuttlefish alien)

Lara and Dunkin’s son (F/M tow vary cute pilots who befriend Sarga and Evada )

Dunkin and his wife (M/F Dunkin is the rebel's chef mechanic and ship engineer, gust about every limbless rebel has one of his prosthetics, his wife is a cool pilot.

5. The Apocalypse story

Kad and Archer lady (F/F Kad is a merchant truck driver with a conflict filled past, She falls in love with Archer lady after hiring her to protect Kad’s truck, it becomes a long distance relation ship but they stay loyal to each other.

Silo and Rail (m/m they belong to a mercenary clan who work for a mining king, They have been vary close scene childhood, Rail is relatively high ranked but gets killed buy the king’s back stabbing son during his take over.)

Silo and Eric (M/M Eric is one of Kads apprentices. after Rail’s death Silo vows to get revenge, Eric helps because Silo recused him from also being murdered by the king’s son, they bond over killing this guy.)

Robin and The runner (F/M Robin is another one of Kad’s apprentices and she falls in love with a guy who is responsible for running information about raider back to town.

.5 1/2 Apocalypse Hell creak (this town loves dinos)

Anzu and Stygi (M/M they belong to a dinosaur themed town Stygi and his Pachycephalosauridae themedfamily protect the town from Theropod themed raiders, Anzu is the son of the towns doctor and often patches Stygi up after fights.)

Trinity and Sue (F/NB what if romeo and Juliet but with a dinosaur themed Apocalyptic town)

Welp that's most of them so far, I left out a few undeveloped ones.

I’m open to talking about my ocs so if any one want’s to message me about them go ahead.

[tallskinnyvanillalatte]

Castle Episodes (Season 7)

Season 7 it is, I’m almost done. The previous posts can be found here.

7x01 Driven: Let’s be honest - the moment they arrive at the scene, seeing Castle’s car up in flames, could be way more intense. Beckett is freaking out, yes, but there could be more emotions as well. Also with Alexis and Martha. I mean, they think that their father/son is in that car, they should be freaking out more. I understand that they can only focus on so many people - but still, this didn’t even take a minute. Great, now Beckett’s pretty dress is ruined. .. just imagine if they had made the title card say “Beckett” instead of “Castle” omfg. The moment when Espo gives Beckett a cup of coffee and she thinks it’s Castle for a split second. “When Alexis was taken” like, we can mention that two years later but we can’t deal with it properly back then. Two months go by. And I wonder how Alexis and Martha dealt with that. If you just think about it.. they woke up every morning with Castle still not being home. Went on in their days. Went to bed not knowing if he was still alive or what was going on, hoping for news the next day. For TWO MONTHS. How did Castle react when he woke up? How did Alexis and Martha react? I have so many questions that aren’t answered and it’s frustrating. “To my amazing mother, my wonderful daughter, and the love of my life.” I’m frustrated by this storyline already because there’s so many unanswered questions and I know that this is stretched out over so long that it’s hard to keep up.

7x02 Montreal: I’d mention that Lanie and Esposito are back together but they’ve been on and off in the past that I wouldn’t bother to mention, so. Castle kissing Gates like that is not that cool - a kiss on the cheek would’ve been fine. “What just happened” yeah Gates, same. Martha mentions that she went to grief counseling while Castle was missing. Just let that sink in. “It’s Canada, how risky could it be” the way he says this and Alexis’ face is too priceless because it’s one Canadian saying this to another, both playing Americans on the show. While Castle was gone, he’d recorded videos for Alexis, Martha and Beckett saying goodbye, saying he loved them :( The scene with Castle and the guy, Hollander’s Woods, Castle in tears, oh boy.

7x03 Clear & Present Danger: Eight minutes in - the devil was the killer, case closed. “Clearly, our killer is the invisible man.” Martha walking into Castle’s .. trap was hilarious.

7x04 Child’s Play: Alexis’ behavior is weird but that is explained at the end of the episode. Twenty second graders? Only twenty children per class? Oh my God, that sounds like heaven. Castle at school is hilarious. “Mister Castle, we do not make faces in the classroom” “He started it!” :D Castle slurping out of the juice box and then coughing, hilarious. This little girl Emily is adorable, and Castle with her is so cute. And how perfect is that fairy tea party scene. At the end of the episode, Castle talks to Alexis about her weird behavior. She tells him that it’s because she thinks something terrible will happen again, that she’ll lose him again. And Castle tells her that he knows exactly how she feels, that he wouldn’t have let her out of his sight after Paris (why didn’t we see any of that though). <3

7x05 Meme is Murder: It’s funny how they pronounce ‘Fuchs’ (fyoux) because that name happens to be German for fox. “I’m German” ah, so the name isn’t random after all ;) Ryan has a blog called “The Ryan Report”. I wonder if someone made a tumblr with that name. Okay I just checked, yeah the blog exists but no one is using it. Someone just saved the url. The webcommercial at the end is gold. Hi, I’m Critchard Ratchel.

7x06 The Time of Our Lives: Matthias, a Swiss guy. Last episode Germany, this time Switzerland. It’s a “what if” episode. The intro has a different sound. Beckett is captain, Lanie is pregnant, Martha redecorated the loft, Alexis has black hair and lives in LA with her mother, Ryan isn’t with Jenny, Espo isn’t with Lanie. Martha’s huuuge self portrait in the office is hilarious. And the scene with Alexis and Castle with the hug is so adorable. The wedding is squeezed into the last 4.5 minutes. The wedding itself is beautiful. The vows are perfect, they dance to their song, Beckett looks gorgeous (and she’s wearing Martha’s ear rings), the venue is gorgeous (so cheesy but beautiful, with really crappy CGI). I just wish they had used a little more time for it. And I hate that Lanie, Ryan and Espo weren’t there.

7x07 Once Upon a Time in the West: Lanie, Ryan and Espo aren’t too amused about that, either. “You guys suck”. Five minutes later “You still suck”. The intro is super cool, Wild West style. Their outfits in style are hilarious.

7x08 Kill Switch: “You still remind me a little of Hooch” aww that sentence came up again <3 It’s the episode with Javi held hostage on a subway train. It’s funny how the “hidden message in the pizza carton” trick always works. Like, shouldn’t they be more careful now and check the box? That trick is so old. I don’t like how the drama is written. Like, it’s so anticlimactic. It’s about to get dramatic when Espo and the woman cop take down the guy but it happens so easily. Then “It’s not over, the guy was infected with a deadyl bacteria” - dramaaaaa. Until three minutes later, they’re all in the hospital, giving an antibiotic and they are safe. “Come on, let’s take the subway. .. too soon? [...] Am I on the wrong track here?” lol Castle

7x09 Last Action Hero: The sound of the intro is different again. I’m not too interested in the episode, I’m barely paying attention. The ear recognition thingy reminds me of that CSI New York episode where Aiden Burn was killed and left her earprint in the car for the others to find, so that they’d know it was her. Ah, I can’t wait to watch that show once I’m done with Castle. Awww how sweet of Beckett to carve my initials into her apartment <3 ;)

7x10 Bad Santa: Javi is about to meet Lanie’s parents who think that they are engaged. The title card in Christmas style is hilarious. Javi meets her parents and so do we, we haven’t seen them before. “When the time comes, I hope you call me”. We’ll see if Castle calls Dino. Is that... are Lanie and Espo breaking up with each other? “You are no longer permitted to work with the NYPD” Were these two scenes just a huge “fuck you” from the writers/producers to the fans? Like .. merry fucking christmas to you, too?

7x11 Castle P.I.: Castle is a private investigator now. “YOu can make this a lot easier for me, Perlmutter.” “Oh, because that’s what I live for.” Perlmutter is gold. Beckett and Castle trying to figure out what the other one knows is hilarious. “Oh, we’re definitely on top of [Castle]” omfg. Halfway through the season and I’m not too impressed, can you tell?

7x12 Private Eye Caramba: “So pleasant to see you. And not see Castle.” Bless Perlmutter. 

7x13 I, Witness: Castle witnesses a murder but when they get into the house the wife was murdered in, there’s no blood. It reminds me of that episode in season 5 I think where they staged that murder for Castle’s birthday. They later find Eva’s body, but Castle is convinced it’s not her and that she just staged her death. Turns out it’s actually Eva.

7x14 Resurrection: “Where are you off to?” “Oh, I signed up for an escort service and have to meet a client.” “What, a what?” “I just wanted to see if you’re listening. I’m going to the library to study.” “not cool.” The look on his face was priceless. Plot twist, 3XK isn’t dead after all (who would’ve guessed). “Mister Castle works on this case only” oh please, Gates, are you even listening to yourself. The ending is really creepy with Beckett answering a call and the creepy “we will meet again, one day” music and then she’s abducted.

7x15 Reckoning: Uuuh, Castle surprising Tyson and closing the door to talk to him alone. Reminds me of that season from .. wow exactly two seasons ago where he talked to that guy who had driven the van Alexis was in. Oh, Castle. “I get to kill you over and over again” - he kills Beckett, then takes Martha, kills her, then Alexis, kills her, like Castle would be so dead. “Castle, he’s calling from your house”. The angst when he gets home and asks for Alexis. The relieve when both Martha and Alexis are okay. He sends them both to Europe, so that they are safe. Oh, I wish he’d abducted Alexis, too. Jeez that moment Castle thought Beckett had been shot right in front of his eyes. “I need a new face and I’ve chosen yours.” It’s so disturbing and wrong and ugh. So, is 3XK dead for real this time? Beckett deals with Nieman all on her own, with a scalpel. Aaaand Castle is back at the precinct, working with Beckett.

7x16 The Wrong Stuff: Aww it’s laser tag at the Castle residence again. Wait a minute... Alexis is playing with some dude instead of Castle. I’m offended. And then Martha walks down the stairs with some other dude wearing Castle’s pjs. Like, what the fuck is going on - “The Wrong Stuff”, yeah big time. omfg the Mars themed intro is hilarious. Are you my mummy? How cool would it have been if Castle had made that reference. Why did Alexis open the door when neither of her friends left? Like, what was the point? And her “get a room” comment wasn’t too great. Tom Richwood. Torchwood. Close enough.

7x17 Hong Kong Hustle: Ah that badass lady, taking out Ryan and Esposito single-handedly, disarming both of them. “It’s a girl’s night out, there won’t be competition” and then we see Zhang and Beckett in that shooting area thingy that I have no idea what the official word for is,

7x18 At Close Range: Um... Ryan???? “Uh, Ryan, is it One Direction? You’d tell me if they are in town.” “No, they are in Hong Kong.” “Right.” Ah, Castle and Espo are little fans of One Direction? We meet Ryan’s sister Gwen.

7x19 Habeas Corpse: Alexis’ outfit is so cute. And I love that she studied with Beckett. Ryan and Esposito practicing their performance in the interrogation room is hilarious. How did Alexis’ exam go? Can we get an update, please? I would’ve loved to see both performances, though (the Caskett one dressed though).

7x20 Sleeper: Castle’s been having nightmares about his disappearance. He’s seeing Beckett’s therapist. “So you were in jungle combat? With Chuck Norris?” this whole thing is so bizarre already, like... “I was in Thailand, getting shot at, with Chuck Norris?” I’m not buying it? This storyline is so.. off and bizarre already, I’m not that interested in it anymore.

7x21 In Plane Sight: Ah, I love this episode. “Are you okay?” “Alexis is on this flight.” <3 Alexis helping and examining the body, so badass. “Because my daughter is on this plane and I’m not gonna let anything happen to her.” <3 Alexis was so badass, disarming the woman <3 There are so many great Castle/Alexis scenes in this episode, I really miss this aspect of the show, we’ve been getting less and less of it.

7x22 Dead in New York: “I don’t know if we should be flattered or offended.” Well, I just think it’s plain stupid. Carly Rae Japson has an appearance in this episode. And she performs “I really like you”. The performance feels so staged. Like, it is staged, but it shouldn’t feel that way if it was done well, you know? It just feels out of place.

7x23 Hollander’s Woods: Castle with the head puns though. I don’t know which one I’d go for. The serious one looks better but it’s a bit too serious. The smiling one just looks creepy. Something in between should be right. Aww Ryan and Esposito are celebrating ten years of marrriage working together. We find out about Castle’s past, about what happed in Hollander’s Woods when he was eleven years old. He had watched a murder and the killer had worn a creepy mask and had threatened him to never tell anyone about this. He had later called the police but they never found the body which made him wonder if that had actually happened. In this episode, the body has the exact same marks as the body he had seen and a witness described a man with a mask - exactly the same mask he had seen. What happened to Castle happened 30 years ago which would mean that he’s 41 now. Which... seems a couple years too young. “You are going to be amazing. [..] Because you already are.” <3 Awww there’s Hodges from CSI. Turns out he’s the killer :( Ah, it’s so creepy, I love it. “Mother, you will always be a star in my eyes. And Alexis, you amaze me every day. You two are my redheaded pillars of unconditional love.” <3 The ending with Castle’s speech and everyone together at the round table was beautiful. It could have been the series finale. If I’m not mistaken, by the time they had filmed this episode, they didn’t know whether or not we’d get an eight season. So, they probably did this ending on purpose.

[ashleybenlove]

Partners

DNAmy and Drakken have a thing, Monique deals with Ron as a project partner, and Kim is partnered with Justine Flanner for that project. Justine is played by Dr. Mayim Bialik. Though at the time this episode aired, she had not earned her PhD yet. She did already have a Bachelor of Science in Neuroscience and Hebrew & Jewish Studies at the time of this episode’s airing.  She played in the show Blossom and is currently on The Big Bang Theory.

The lady scientist is working on a genomic sequencer. Amy steals it. 

Drakken comes to steal it and Amy calls him “Mr. Forward” and looks him up and down. 

She asks if Drakken is a MD or dentist. Neither. He doesn’t have a degree!

Shego takes the DNA thing.

School! Kim wants to work with Monique on the science project. But. Ron. And Wade’s like “Remember your vow” that Kim would NEVER ever be partnered with Ron on the science project ever again. WADE EVEN PULLS OUT THE RECEIPTS. Actual video evidence of her saying this. 

Drakken’s attempting to work the genome sequencer and Shego’s like "TOO BAD YOU HAD TO TICK OFF THE ONE GENETICIST WHO’S TWISTED ENOUGH TO HELP YOU.”  

Drakken decides that he’ll charm Amy into doing his bidding. Shego just is like... she doesn’t say anything but she def has opinions. Drakken purrs.

Monique is trying to help Kim work up the courage to talk to Ron about the partners thing.

Ron butters Kim up by holding the door for her.

Barkin has assumed command of this class. Apparently the teacher of the class had a fungal experiment go horribly wrong. Barkin didn’t press for details.

Barkin is picking the teams. Which is fair. 

And yet, Bonnie is teamed with Brick. 

Monique is stuck with Ron! Ron is cool with this because “Monique maintains Kim-level gradeage”

Justine is building something that will create a small tear in the space time continuum. She’s in high school. 

AMY SLAMS THE DOOR IN DRAKKEN’S FACE. GOOD CALL.

And just before that Drakken was like “WATCH AND LEARN SHEGO.” Like, I think Shego is likely way better at picking up women (and men) than you are, Drakken. 

Drakken uses a fell from heaven, you’re an angel pick up line. IT WORKS.

And also Amy called Shego his girlfriend but Drakken denies this.

Justine is perfectly content on doing this whole project by herself, Kim literally only has to show up and smile on presentation day. This is not a bad deal. But Kim, HATES IT. KIM, IT’S AN EASY A. GET OVER IT.

Monique is already clashing with Ron. She tells him “I’m not Kim, I will not carry you” and Ron just... is like nah, I’m not helping. Ron, please don’t be a dick. 

Monique also calls him DUDEBOY. Urbandictionary has a top definition for dudebro that dates to end of 2006 and this ep came out in 2004. So proto-dudebro.

Ron doesn’t care but Monique does. Ugh.

“Flattery will get you everywhere!” “How about into your lab?” IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE CALLING IT?

Shego has to say that Drakken has game moments before he falls down the stairs.

This scene with James and his sons and them washing the car is so rando. Kim has the opportunity to complain about the fact that she doesn’t get to do anything on the project. She feels like Justine thinks she’s not smart. 

One of her brothers gets Kim wet. Kim’s hair is like wet and flat, nice job on that animators.

James suggests to Kim to use her connections to get a meetup with a scientist for Justine.

The twins attempt to get the soap on Kim but fail and James gets the soap on him. Whoops.

Amy is calling Drakken cutesy names and he wonders if that’s necessary. He puts up with it. But hates it.

Ron’s being an unbelievable asshole.

The way Shego says “Precious” is amazing. 

Meanie DNA.

Middleton Institute of Technology. I see what you did there.

She saved a satellite from orbit decay. Noice. Apparently a fraying tether line and a blown oxygen tank were involved. Holy shit. Also, isn’t this basically the plot of Gravity? (Good movie!)

Justine made breakthroughs in particle physics while she was in 8th grade.

Kim sees Drakken and co breaking into a room. 

Kim and Shego agree that the Drakken and Amy thing is very weird.

Excellent music during fight scene.

Drakken basically grabs Amy’s ass to give her a boost. 

Shego teases Drakken that he actually likes Amy. She’s having so much fun. I’m glad.

Monique and Kim are in a booth together and Ron’s in a different booth.

Shaking.

They do the water in glass reaction from Jurassic Park except with cheese.

Ron wonders if its an earthquake. He’s oddly calm about that. I mean, if it was me, I’d probably panic but I have never experienced one. They probably have. 

Yes Kim I agree. Hard to miss the giant dinosaur rampaging through Middleton. The dinosaur doesn’t look like a T-Rex at all. Looks more like Godzilla.

I’m pretty sure they used sounds from Jurassic Park or a Godzilla movie for the dinosaur sounds. It’s not like they can get the real thing considering they’ve been dead 66 million years.

The flying saucer thing that Drakken and co are riding crashes. Shego jumps out before crashing, Amy’s thrown from it when it crashes, and Drakken doesn’t leave the thing.

Distraction is needed. Ron’s on it. Monique makes a comment and he’s like not the time for sarcasm, “trust me, come on.” and grabs her wrist. Ron may not take school seriously but he takes world saving seriously.

Amy risks her life for Drakken and he’s now smitten.

I think Monique knows how to work with motors??? 

Justine’s project is the key.

The science is sound, Kim read all of Justine’s notes, but had to look up a lot of stuff. You could have asked Wade or your father??? But hey, independent study, Kim!

Monique looks very scared as she says “Come on, Kim.” But she’s looking up at a dino-thing’s maw.

Justine puts her hand on Kim’s just before they pull the lever on the project thingy.

The dino thing goes into the space time thingy.

Justine and Kim shake hands, Ron and Monique also shake hands.

Drakken wants to date Amy. But her heart belongs to another. Monkey Fist. Villain love triangle! 

Amy reveals here that she’s the one that did the radical genetic mutation on Monkey Fist’s hands and feet. 

Monique and Ron did baking soda volcano.

Barkin refuses to believe in Kim and Justine’s project. Dino is back. And Barkin’s like “POSSIBLE!” Like... you’re the one who didn’t believe her. Oh Barkin.

[geminnas]

POWER RANGERS SPOILERS

massive spoilers below. a list of the things that i loved about the movie. kind of long post

IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER LET’S GO

- flashback scene:  zordon just helplessly watching the yellow ranger die

- “seek those who are worthy”

-“we could have ruled together!” “that was never going to happen.” “so be it. you’ll die.” “we’ll die together, rita.”

-tHE COW’S MALE FUCKERS

-jason has abysmal driving skills

-”like you said. never going to understand each other.”

- “beefy and i have a connection.”

-kIMBERLY MY QUEEN

-she just walked right past jason

-detention guys calling jason out “you sure you’re in the right class, scott?”

-bILLY BILLY BILLY

-‘‘did you just slap me?” “i did. weird, right?”

-jASON SCOTT SASS MASTER

-kimberly “i need to go to the ladies room” hart

-they cut her out of the photo right there and sTUCK IT TO THE WALL WITH SCISSORS WHAT THE FUCK

-kim coming back from the restroom with her hair cut like a bamf

-the look jason gives her

-billy asking jason to come hang out

- “billy crams-a-ton”

-jason freaking tf out abt his ankle monitor and billy just calm af

-jason hugging billy and billy going “don’t touch me”

- autistic people rule

-aND HERE WE HAVE ZACK THE COOLEST ASS BAMF YOU WILL EVER SEE

-on the roof. a fire on the ground. observing trini through binoculars. calling her “crazy girl”

-jason freaking out when kimberly dives and doesn’t emerge

-the entire van conversation between kim and jason

-”dad, i’ll make you proud”

-the explosion

-zack, billy, kim and jason just standing there like “shit what did u do”

-tRINI

-“hey, this is a restricted area! you shouldn’t be here!” “oh yeah, einstein? we shouldn’t be blowing things up either, now should we?”

- how the fuck did you think her name was deedee

-then trini calls him something like “trailer park boy”

-the entire cliffside just collapsing

-zack immediately taking the pickaxe and hacking the coins out of the ice “how much do you think this is worth?” like i feel him hes struggling with money???

-the way he says “security” like he knows it all too well and probably curses under his breath

-billy and jason getting into the car “wait what about the others”

-alternatively “where’s the other guy?” pause. “JUST GO”

-all shrieking when zack lands on top of the car and sticks his head upside down

-”are you crazy?” “yeah, i am.”

-*billy drives towards train* jason: you’re gonna make it! zack: yeah, dude, we’re gonna make it! trini: i don’t know if he’s gonna make it! kim: he’s not gonna make it!

-kIM CRUSHING HER PHONE

- “im just going to quietly snap your wrist, you little bitch” like fuck off asshole

- wrist turns out to be unsnappable

- “billy cranston just knocked [bully’s name] out cold! holy shit, cranston!”

- billy holding court to his many admirers

- “billy is awesome”

- the mean girls literally get sprayed with soda or shit

-zACK AND HIS MOM??? SPEAK MANDARIN?? LITERALLY BETTER THAN MY MANDARIN?? THEYRE SO PURE??? HE IS THE BEST OK??? DESERVES SO MUCH LOVE??? MY SMOL SON????

- three of them seeing zack “your name’s zack, right?” “yeah”

- “you still go to angel grove?” laughing. “sometimes!”

- trini scrambling up the cliffside like spider man

- “try to keep up”

- tRINI JUST JUMPING ACROSS THE CLIFF

- “girl, you’re crazy! but so am i!”

- *holds her ankle* “ive got her” *kicks zack off* “don’t touch me”

- “tHAT IS NOT A PIECE OF CAKE”

- dancing and then toppling backwards

- “did we just kill the dude?”

- zack jumping off with absolutely no hesitation whatever

- “sorry for what?” “this.”

- black and blue joke

- trini falls on top of zack. zack: “hi” trini: “aGAIN”

- “holy sh-” “sHHH”

- “we’re gonna be famous”

- “any questions?” “nope. nope, i’m good.”

- the pit

- “it’s just a hologram, like a video game” nuh uh

- scratching lines into the wall for every day

- trini getting zack in a chokehold qUEEN

- triNI AND KIM AT KRISPY KREME

- “come on zack, let’s go.” “yeah. let’s go.” that camera angle is perfect you can literally see his damn smile and the way his eyes shine

- dAT FACE THO

- jason and zack punching each other in the face

- tbh they have a lot of wasted “bro” potential

- billy trying to separate them and then morphing

- SCREW YOUR AGENDA ZORDON

- the campfire scene i cried no joke

- doing impressions of zordon

- “MY MOM IS THE BEST”

- not afraid to admit that he’s scared, and that he loves his mom

- trini and zack form the beanie squad

- “boyfriend problems?” “yeah, boyfriend problems.” “...girlfriend problems?”

- “are we friends, or are we power rangers?”

- rita and trini

- “i killed yellow once.”

- “deedee my friend”

keeping it brief bc its getting way too long

- rita is terrifying. literally. no joke.

- g o l d

- “you did an awful thing. doesn’t make you an awful person.”

- tHEY DIDN’T KISS I’M SO HAPPY

- trini “rita visited me” kwan

- you can legit see everyone thinking “im going to kill rita”

- the way each of them raise their hands

- “eeny, meeny, miny, moe... blue”

- “you can tell me now, or you can tell me after i kill all your friends. let’s start with black.”

- zack shakes his head

- ‘krispy kreme. it’s at krispy kreme.”

- i LITERALLY THOUGHT BILLY WAS GOING TO COME BACK TO LIFE LIKE CHOKING UP THE WATER BUT HE DIDN’T OH MY GOD

- you can see how each one of them deals with grief

- they carry him all the way back

- all of them agreeing that they’d give their lives for his

- “only one can return”

- jason hugging billy like he’ll never let go

- tHEY MORPHED

- their fighting tho

- zack jumping off the cliff still fighting a putty in order to get his zord

-the way all the gold cuts through the ground to make goldar

- “that’s a lot of gold.”

- everyone in their zords

- go go power rangers playing as they run into battle goddamn

- “how cute. the rangers found their costumes and their dino cars.”

- kim saving jason’s ass

- “sorry bumblebee!” i DIED

- trini jumping right on top of goldar

- “THAT’S NOT KRISPY KREME! FIND KRISPY KREME!”

- *dropping billy on top of goldar*

- “is it over?” heartbreakingly hopeful

- “she’s back.”

- “hold the line!”

- trini screaming down the channel “zack, stay with me!”

- “no one dies alone.”

- then they disappear in fire.

- and rise again.

- rita merging herself with goldar and they’re all too confused to do anything

- “i got the leg!” “oh, you got the leg too? hi five!”

- “oh, i wish i could punch!” *kicks goldar*

- “remember the pit?” “oh, i hated the pit.”

- trini “bring it on” kwan

- “kim! swords!”

- “duck, grab, lift!” 

- “whatever zordon says, i know i am worthy!”

- getting bitch slapped into space

- “did you just slap her?” “i did. weird, right?”

- “told you we were gonna be famous”

- making the megazord dance

- “what about yellow?” “yeah, yellow! he’s cool too!” “how do you know it’s a he?”

-kim pasting that photo of all of them laughing that pic is pure ok look at them

- zack playing chess with his mom “帅吗？” literally asking whether they were handsome and his mom checkmates him then hi fives him god i love them

- “deedee!” “mom, it’s trini!”

- trini and zack show up at angel grove for possibly the first time

-zack sitting on a backward facing chair

-flicking papers at each other

- iTS A LIGHTNING BOLT SHADED WITH THEIR COLOURS

- i love them all.

-tOMMY OLIVER

- ships: jason/kim, jason/billy, zack w everyone, my hetero ass ships trini and zack but my gay ass ships kim and trini

summary: this movie is possibly the best thing to happen to me. amazing. i love it and my children. go watch it. it will bless your soul.

[the-kool-kyle]

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Review

Jurassic Park is well known for being one of the most beloved movies of all time thanks to it inspiring wonder, it’s memorable moments that will last a lifetime, lovable characters and iconic theme song which has made it an all-time classic that to this day stands the test of time. But now the franchise has become more well known with people these days thanks to the 2015 ​reboot​ ​“Jurassic World” and while it didn't quite​ capture the magic of the original​, it's still an enjoyable movie to watch with friends and family but now let's talk about it’s sequel “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom”. 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom takes place 3 years after the previous film and this time the franchise is leaving behind everything we've known about ​the previous films. It does this by giving us one of the most interesting set pieces of the year where the island where most of the films took place, Isla Nublar, is about to be destroyed by its erupting volcano which will kill every single one of the dinosaurs, sending them into extinction.....again. I saw this as a really bold move but also saw it as exactly what the franchise needed since it will no longer take place on the same place as the other films did so I like that they’re trying something new this time around. However, I have to be honest​, some moments of this film fell flat due to many leaps in logic that left us with many unanswered questions and by also jumping from set piece to set piece without taking a break which felt really rushed but it's a Jurassic Park movie so these kinda things happen all the time. 

But of course the film still provided us with plenty of action, humour and emotional moments that we know a movie like this needs but then it takes a different turn and gives us moments that were specular due to its use of claustrophobic suspense which made the scenes more intense, thrilling and pulse-pounding. This is something the franchise hasn't done since that one scene in “The Lost World” where the raptors were hunting the humans in the area with the long grass and I gotta say this was a great idea since it makes the predators more terrifying and scary.

Now the main reason these films are so memorable is because of its colourful characters and while some are better than others this film really delivered in giving us some humans and Dino's that​ ​we either love or hate. Chris Pratt reprises his role as Owen Grady​,​war veteran and dino trainer who steals almost every scene in the film by being a total badass when it comes to action and charming everyone with his cool and quirky personality. Not to mention his unshakable bond with the Velociraptor named​ Blue that really shows us the ​true emotion and love that makes these characters stand out from others in the franchise.

Bryce Dallas Howard returns as the on-again-off-again love interest of Owen and while not many people find her as interesting or as likeable as Pratt​, I actually preferred her in this one. Because she evolved from being a very stiff and wooden lady who became famous for running from a T-Rex in High heels to an actual sympathetic and more memorable character who contributes more the plot which I thought was a real improvement. But of course, this film also had many characters that were just plain forgettable or unlikable all together​.Like Franklin Webb​, the wimpy little nerd who basically shouldn't​ ​be on a dinosaur-filled island in the first place and Zia Rodriguez​, the Dino protection activist who does a perfect job in some scenes but unfortunately doesn't have enough charisma or screen time to become a favourite.

One character I actually found interesting was Maisie​, the mandatory child who's either an orphan or child of divorce. However , ​this time I actually like this character because she wasn't annoying like Tim, boring like Zach, useless like Kelly or unrealistically crafty like Eric. Instead, this character actually had an interesting background, was pretty useful most of the time and is a character people would actually like to return for future movies of the franchise. So yeah​, after 25 years the franchise gives us a kid that may become a likeable memorable character that contributes to the plot. Unfortunately, one particular area where the film preformed poorly was its villains. Yes, I know the franchise hasn't been known for good human villains but this one really fell flat. I'm not gonna give away who the villains were but I'm pretty sure you've already guessed that they’re basically dopes in suits trying to make a mint by smuggling the dinosaurs off the island and selling them for a large profit. But of course,​ ​that sinister plan ultimately backfires. If that sounds like a spoiler trust me it​ ​isn't because as we've seen in literally every other Jurassic Park movie, someone tries to something like this and it never works cause these are just Doctor Evil levels of stupid and are never a good idea.

Now one thing that has really made the Jurassic Park franchise such a success is its specular use of practical effects. When I first saw this movie​,I was convinced they were going to completely rely on CGI and​,​while they did use some CG​,​most of the dinosaurs in the movie were completely done with practical body parts such as dinosaur heads, claws and other body parts.

These visual effects and puppets made the dinosaurs look more alive and real which shows us that using old movie techniques can really improve the movie’s imagine. This is a real major improvement since the previous Jurassic World relied heavily on CGI and Jurassic Park 3 has been well known for having the worst visual effects in the franchise , making all their on-screen creatures look completely fake. I guarantee you that if there's one thing that makes a film pure Spielberg magic , it's brilliantly crafted visual and practical effects. 

Another thing that I​ ​(but not many people noticed) was the incredible amount of the detail and references to the previous films that were lying in the background in certain scenes. For example, the T-Rex from both this and the previous Jurassic World film has scars on her neck and head from the battle with the raptors from​  the end of the very first movie and more recent scars from her fight with the Indominus Rex, this basically means this is the same T-Rex from the very first movie. I also noticed in the background of one scene that ​someone had a copy of Ian Malcolm's book “God Creates Dinosaurs” which was a pretty clever easter egg. So keep an eye out for more cause I'm sure there are​ ​more that I missed.

Final Verdict: So yeah, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom may not have exceeded expectations due to its dull story, boring villains, leaps in logic and forgettable characters. But it still gave us tons of action, humour, love for both humans and Dinos, callbacks to the originals, amazing CGI and Practical effects from being a total failure​ in previous films. But what really makes this film good is that ​they've made a bold move to leave everything we know from the previous films and take the franchise in a new direction which I think is what's best for the Jurassic World movies. 8.0/10