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roman-writing · 3 years

Text

bring home a haunting (10/12)

Fandom: The Haunting of Bly Manor

Pairing: Dani Clayton/Jamie Taylor

Rating: M

Wordcount: 18,021

Summary: Dani almost has her life together, when a familiar face arrives back in town after ten years. A childhood friends AU written with @youngbloodbuzz

Author’s notes: you’ll notice that we’ve stopped updating weekly. This is due to the fact that we’ve run out of backlogged material and are now writing in real time. Thank you for your patience with the final few updates.

read it below or read it on AO3 here

X: 1978-1983

—

The summer air was a warm suggestion of a breeze. The curtains trembled slightly in its passing, just a feeble stir that could not quell even the muted birdsong of robins. A bedroom awash in late afternoon sunlight that softened the wooden furniture and the textured wallpaper until everything was steeped to the same pastel shade of the bedsheets.

Dani sat in the chair before her cramped writing desk. It was too small to do any real work, but it was the only thing she could fit into this room – her own space – without her mother complaining. Most days it was used for little more than picture frames, curios, and stacks of clean laundry waiting to be tucked away into drawers, neat and soldierly. Today she had cleared a space and placed on it a blank sheet of paper, a pen, and an envelope with no address.

The heat was such that the back of Dani’s thighs stuck to the wooden chair when she shifted in her seat. She folded her heel atop the chair so she could rest her chin against her knee and stare at the sheet of paper. She chewed at the edge of her thumbnail until the skin there was raised and red and ragged, until she tasted the tang of copper, until she had to tuck her thumb away behind a closed fist and press her knuckles to her mouth.

The summer days were long and mercifully empty. No assignments. School wouldn’t start again for another month. No mother. Karen was out at some work function and had elected to leave Dani behind for once. No obligations. Nowhere to be. Nothing but the slow whittling away of minutes, of hours, of walking down the warm familiar streets and feeling the cold notion wash over her that she had let another day slip away.

Taking her courage into her hands, Dani picked up the pen. She held it over the page, as if in the vain hope her thoughts could flow from the tip of the pen without her input. She sat up straight, squared her shoulders, took a deep breath, began to write.

‘Dear Jamie –’

—

The sharp edges of the walkie talkie dug into her palm as she gripped it with white knuckles. Vestiges of a dream still hovered over her, just as the pale suggestion of diffused moonlight shone through her curtains. Her thumb hesitated over the press-to-talk button, still curled into the same tangle of limbs and sheets she had woken up in, her breath now back to normal from the shallow gasping that had felt like drowning. Usually, there was a comfort in knowing that Eddie was a creature of routine. In bed by eleven, but asleep by twelve after sneaking in another hour of reading. But looking at her bedside clock now, red numbers blinking the witching hour in the dark, deftly ignoring the photo frame just beside it, Dani wavered, knowing he’d be asleep by now.

Hearing the distant sounds of the television still going through the floor, the hum of the box fan — her mother asleep or awake, she couldn’t really care — Dani exhaled a slow trembling breath, and pressed down on the button.

“Eddie?” Dani murmured softly. She waited for a long moment, pressing her forehead against the plastic, but when he didn’t respond, she swallowed hard and repeated, “Eddie? Are you there?”

She grimaced at the poor word choice, but kept silent, waiting. In the long stretch of silence, she let her eyes slip closed, her throat feeling thick. She sighed and whispered again, “Eddie?” feeling as though she was calling through some distant veil.

There was still no response. Just as resignation was settling heavy in her chest, exhaustion pressing on her eyelids, static buzzed through the speakers. “Danielle?” came a heavy, sleep-ridden voice.

“I’m sorry,” Dani whispered, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - go back to sleep. It’s fine.”

“Are you okay?” Eddie murmured, along with the sound of shuffling fabric. Dani remained silent, worrying her lower lip, guilt whorling in her stomach. When she didn’t respond, Eddie spoke again, sounding slightly more awake, but no less gruff. “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, “I - um. I just - “

“Can’t sleep?”

“Something like that.”

He was silent for a moment, and carefully asked, “Another nightmare?”

“Yes,” she said in a small voice.

“Do you want to talk about it this time?”

Against her will, before she could even stop herself, Dani’s eyes darted to the photo frame. To Jamie’s broad smile, to her younger self clinging on to Jamie’s back as Jamie held her up in a piggyback. Her breath catching in her throat, Dani blinked and turned on her back to stare fixedly at the streaks of moonlight stretching along her ceiling like slim, ghostly fingers.

“No,” Dani murmured, pressing a palm to her eyes to banish the burning there, “I just - I wanted to hear your voice.”

Eddie hummed, as though half asleep already. “Won’t your mom hear?”

“She’s downstairs.”

“Okay,” Eddie said, the static dropping quiet briefly, but quickly returned along with the new sound of ruffling paper, “Want me to read aloud again?”

Biting back the embarrassment burning her cheeks, Dani murmured, “Please?”

Chuckling softly, Eddie said, “Are you up for some Lord of the Rings, or something else?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Lord of the Rings it is,” Eddie murmured, and then quietly began to recite from where they had left off last time.

Dani slipped her eyes shut again as she listened, resting the walkie talkie against her chest. For however much she tried, for how many times Eddie had asked for her thoughts on one plot point or another, Dani for the life of her could never remember a single passage the morning after. It was never about the story, nor was it simply just listening to Eddie’s sleep-roughened voice for all the comfort it gave her. If she could shut her eyes, and leave the walkie talkie on the pillow beside her head, she could almost imagine it. Eddie lying beside her, with her head on his shoulder, and for a second she could pretend he smelled of sandalwood instead of sharp soap, the fabric under cheek flannel instead of a woolen sweater, and —

It wasn’t the same. It’d never be the same. Not with guilt burning like acid in her stomach, not with her chest feeling so heavy and tight. Drawing in a low breath, Dani slowly peeled herself away from her too warm comforter and off her bed to pad quietly towards her open window, keeping the walkie talkie close to her chest. She slipped through her thin curtains that danced in a slight breeze and leaned her elbows on the windowsill, resting her chin on her arm as she looked out into the night of her backyard.

Beneath the low tones of Eddie’s voice, there was the sound of crickets and the whisper of a warm breeze. The neighborhood was dark but for the glow of distant streetlamps and the gleam of the moon and starlight. And just there in the far distance, a plane blinked red and white lights as it passed far overhead in the dark sky like a manmade shooting star. Maybe if it were a few months ago, maybe then she would have pressed her eyes shut and made a silly, small wish. Top marks on her next test. A new dress for her birthday. Her favorite meal for dinner. But her wishes seemed too big these days. Too large to fit in the palm of her hands. Words that felt more like prayer on her tongue.

Sighing softly, Dani’s gaze drifted slowly towards the tree with it’s thick trunk and long limbs that stretched towards her window, leaves ruffling softly. Eddie was still murmuring diligently, reciting some passage that happened to be some poem or song.

“He sought her ever, wandering far where leaves of years were thickly strewn. By light of moon and ray of star, in frosty heavens shivering. Her ma — “

“Eddie?” Dani interrupted softly.

Eddie fumbled over the words. “Yeah?”

“Do you still know how to climb trees?”

He was quiet for a long moment. “Sure. Yeah. I mean - I haven’t tried since Tommy dared me years ago, so I guess?”

“Do you think,” Dani started slowly, “that you could climb the one in my backyard?”

“Probably.”

“Would you?”

“What - like - right now?”

“No, I - I - ” Dani stumbled, and swallowed thickly.

“Danielle,” Eddie sighed, and there was the sound of a book being shut, “It’s late. I’m tired. I don’t really feel like risking breaking my neck right now, or your mom catching me. I don’t know which is worse, honestly.”

His voice was starting to trail off in a lethargic slur before letting out a long yawn, and Dani bit back again the guilt that gnawed viciously through her chest.

“Sorry, I - “ Dani said, standing upright, shoulders rigid, “I didn’t mean to keep you. Go back to sleep.”

“Are you sure?” Eddie asked in a sleepy murmur, “You were upset.”

“I’m fine,” Dani lied, “I’m fine now. I promise.”

“Okay,” Eddie breathed, “Night, Danielle.”

“Good night.”

There came then a long silence. Suffocatingly empty, as though all the air had been drawn from her room. She exhaled slowly, a trembling breath that rattled through her teeth. Leaving the walkie talkie on her nightstand, she crawled back into bed, curling up back into a ball with her knees to her chest and let her heavy eyes be drawn back to the photo. Clenching her teeth hard, she shut her eyes where the memories of that day pressed against her eyelids as though it were a film reel, lulling her back into a restless sleep.

—

‘Dear Jamie,

Last night I dreamt you climbed up through my window sill. You held out your hand and said to come with you, as though you were Peter Pan and I was Wendy. I remember wanting to laugh, I think. I almost expected you to be wearing that outfit and that hat, but you were just you. Smiling at me. That’s all I remember really.

I don’t think you ever knew how much that meant to me. That time you climbed up my window for real. Just to be here for me when I needed you without ever having to tell you. I think that’s one of the things I’m going to miss the most, how I never had to ask or say anything. You somehow always just seemed to know. I don’t think anyone was ever as good at it as you were. Except for Carson, maybe.

Are you okay? Is Mikey? Are you eating enough? Is it getting any easier? I can’t stop thinking about it, how tired you looked when I last saw you. I keep thinking of all our time together and how we wasted so much of it at the end. I should have visited more, maybe. I should have tried harder to talk to you, to help, no matter how upset you got with me. I’m sorry.

I wonder where you are now, where they took you and Mikey. Are you still in Iowa? Sometimes I like to imagine you on a beach somewhere, or in the mountains like you always wanted to see. I like imagining myself there with you, too. Mostly, I like to imagine you back here again.

It’s getting harder, not having you here. Mom kept saying the most terrible things after you were gone that I won’t repeat here; it’ll just raise your blood pressure. Eddie tries to help, and I love him, but he’s always been scared of mom and I don’t think he knows how to deal with something like this. With losing so much all at once. The only thing he’s ever really lost was the baseball state championship. Judy does her best though, and so does Carson, but they don’t really talk about it. They miss you a lot. They don’t need to say it, but I can see it.

I don’t know if you’ll ever get these letters. Most of the time it feels like I’m just addressing the side of my bed where you used to sleep when you stayed over. But I hope you know this isn’t some attempt being nosey, or guilt tripping you into something. All this is, is everything I can’t say out loud, all the things I couldn’t. That I still care and always will. That I’m here. That I can wait, however long it needs to be.

Do you remember when we were thirteen at the cottage, bored out of our minds because the power cut out so we decided to go run and dance in the rain? I hope the next time you stand in the rain, you think of that and think of me, just as I do you.

- Dani

—

The t-shirt didn’t smell like her anymore. Too many months of too many laundry days, and all Dani was left with now was worn fabric that felt softer than ever and a print of Debbie Harry’s face giving her a sidelong glance with the words ‘Blondie’ in blue cursive type above her head. She ran her hand over the embossed design, and without thinking Dani shucked off her shirt to toss on her bed beside a pile of fresh laundry, and slipped the Blondie t-shirt over her head.

There was little to no relief in wearing it anymore. Not when it smelled sharp and clean of florals and downy, long missing the faint smell of earth, the practical detergent Nan favored, and just plain Jamie. It was simply a t-shirt now. An article of clothing that she once borrowed and slept in. Something that had been buried, forgotten, in her rucksack until it had been too late to return. No comfort in pretending she could fall back asleep within it, no comfort in hugging a too soft pillow and imagining it was someone else. Standing now in the middle of her room and running her hand over the soft fabric, Dani knew of course that it was fruitless to pretend, to wish. Even so she couldn’t help the thought running through her head every time: it didn’t smell like her anymore.

The upended laundry basket had been tossed to one side of her room. She moved slowly, folding and setting aside laundry to be put away later. There was a distant ache travelling up the back of her neck to her head, a constant presence now along with the ache in her jaw from restless nights of grinding her teeth. As she bent low to tuck away a pile of pants into a drawer, a twinge pulsed over neck and the crown of her head. She winced, reaching up to dig her fingers into the offending muscles and nerves, gradually moving upright. Her fingers grazed against the cool metal of her necklace and she froze.

Dani stood quietly with the ache and took stock, slipping her eyes shut and clenching her fist, listening carefully to the sounds of the house. The television laughed through the thin floors. There was the distant heartbeat of the washing machine all the way in the basement on its second load. And her mother, quiet within her own company. She took careful steps towards her door, left open just a crack from when she had swung the door shut with her foot, arms laden with a laundry basket. Music travelled up through the stairwell and through the hall, a theme song jingle for some sitcom. Drawing in a steadying breath, Dani pushed herself out of her room to brave downstairs.

She dodged the floorboards that creaked and groaned predictably on deft, quiet feet. Tendrils of cigarette smoke drifted from the living room as she passed, and even now, the thickness of it still choked the back of Dani’s throat. The kitchen was a reprieve, the windows wide open to let in the late summer breeze, the floor cool beneath her bare feet, and she went about filling up the kettle and setting it on the backburner of the stove to boil.

She absently stretched and prodded at her neck as she moved throughout the kitchen, pressing against pinched nerves while digging out a tin of cookies to set some aside on a saucer for a late morning snack. Swinging open the cupboard that held all their mugs and glasses, Dani robotically pulled down her favored blue mug with scattered stars and reached further back, her hand darting about looking for a single mug in particular that kept hidden an old yet treasured altoid tin. But as she blindly probed the back of the cupboard, fingers searching for dented and scratched metal within ceramic, her brows slowly knitted when she came up empty.

Pulling her hand back, her frown deepened as she stared deep into the dark cupboard, her eyes darting over every corner. Something heavy seemed to drop and pull violently in her stomach, a tight cinch forming in her chest. Biting at her lip, Dani rose on her toes, shoving around mugs and cups, picking up and setting them aside when it wasn’t what she was looking for. A mug with floral designs, and a tin packed with precious tea, priceless hidden treasures.

Her breath was coming in fast, shallow and panicked and trapped within her chest, embers flaring within her lungs. “Mom?” she called out, her voice trembling, “Mom, where’s -?“

The kettle whistled. Dani gasped, the sound shrill and startling. She whipped around, her arm knocking into something hard, and ceramic shattered on the floor. Dani jumped back, bumping hard into the counter behind her, the corner digging painfully in her lower back. Pressing a hand to her sternum, her heart crashing against her ribs, Dani stood there wide eyed with pained shallow breaths, the kettle’s whistle shrill and loud, and at her feet, the scattered remains of her starry mug.

“Jesus Christ -!” her mother called out from the other room, “What have you done now?”

Dani was frozen, her heart a claxon in her chest, a sharp whistle ringing through her ears. Out of the corner of her eye, Karen appeared in the kitchen doorway and exhaled heavily.

“Goddamn it,” Karen said, a faint slur to her voice, carefully stepping around the disarray to pull the whistling kettle off the burner and twisting the knob with a click. “What is wrong with you? Look at this mess.”

Her mother continued on, blustering about in the kitchen, stepping around shards of ceramic, but Dani could barely hear her. The kettle was off the stove, but the ringing in her ears remained, shrill as a train whistle. Her breath shallow, her hands clenched into trembling fists at her side, she stared down the shattered remains of her mug, pieces of stars amongst a blue backdrop scattered along the floor like the big bang, hastily swept away by a frayed broom in her mothers hands. All at once, it felt as though the strained tension along her neck and scalp snapped and went taut, the necklace around her neck heavy like a noose.

Karen sighed. “Relax, Danielle,” she said, “It was just a mug.”

But it wasn’t just a mug. It was over a decade of memories. It was sharing tea with Jamie during sleepovers. It was her dad’s bright grin when she unwrapped it for her seventh birthday. Dani shook her head, a movement so small that Karen didn’t even notice, dumping the remains of her mug in the trash can.

“Mom?” Dani croaked, eyes unmoving from the floor, her eyes burning, “My tin - where’s my tin?”

Karen gave her a look of bewilderment, then rolled her eyes. “That old thing?” Karen stepped past her to replace the broom in the hallway closet. “It was an eyesore. I threw it and that old mug away. It had a crack in it.”

Nodding absently, feeling a sharp blow between her ribs, Dani bit her lips hard against the tremble of her chin, her throat growing thick. Her knees wobbled and she slowly sank to the floor, pulling her knees close to her chest with shaking hands. Sucking in a sharp, trembling breath that burned throughout her chest, Dani pressed her eyes shut and buried her face in her knees, digging her fingers into the skin of her shin, willing the floor to swallow her whole.

Footsteps returned to the kitchen and came to a sudden halt. There was a long, slow sigh. “Honestly, it was just a mug,” her mother said, exasperated, “We can get you another one.”

Dani shook her head, biting her lip hard until it hurt, until she tasted a coppery tang on her tongue. When Dani gave no further response, the kitchen drew silent and she could only imagine the frightened state of her as her mother made no other noise of moving away to leave Dani trembling on the floor.

“Danielle?” her mom murmured, soft footsteps drawing closer.

Curling further on herself, her shoulders hunched, arms wrapped around her knees, Dani turned her head away, trembling from the effort not to cry in front of her mother. There was the ruffling of clothes and movement, her mother’s form sinking down to sit beside her, the smell of smoke and her mother’s sweet morning facial cream permeating the air.

“Honey?”

Dani squeezed her eyes shut, an ache spreading across her chest, the word spoken so abnormally soft and unsure, and for one long moment, Dani could hardly process it, could hardly remember the last time her mother had spoken to her in such a way. A hand suddenly drifted over her hair, a startled, hesitant touch. Slowly, she went stiff, the room still and quiet as Dani waited for a pin to drop, for a rug to be pulled from under her, only hearing the distant breeze from the open windows, the restless tap of the sink. And then the hand stroked through the tresses of her hair, gentle in a way that made Dani’s heart ache. Swallowing thickly, she turned her head and met her mother’s eyes.

It was strange, to see the glazed glass of her mother’s blue eyes behind her glasses and not find any of the usual hardness, the aimless anger or frustration. Instead, there was faint bewilderment. Instead, there was apprehensive concern. Tears slipped down Dani’s cheeks, and haltingly, her mother’s hand reached up to swipe away one with her thumb. Dani’s eyes slipped closed at the touch, and all at once, she felt something concave within her.

“I’m sorry,” Dani whispered brokenly, feeling herself lean closer to her mom’s warmth, “Please, just -”

Her mom gradually wrapped her arms around her as though she didn’t really know what to do, but it was enough, and the ache within Dani’s chest burst open. A choked sob ripped through her, a dam of tears spilled over her cheeks, clutching her mom’s clothes as though that was the only thing tethering her together.

“All right,” her mom whispered.

Her mom held her tighter until Dani was curled into her lap, body shaking with violent sobs, feeling her mother’s hand run repeatedly over her hair. And it was all Dani could do but to hold on as she fractured into pieces on the kitchen floor.

—

The local grocery store had a new supplier; it was the talk of the town for a week. Her mother and her mother’s book club mused over the topic at length over cups of coffee and fragrant steam. They were talking about it when Dani braved the first floor of her house for a glass of water, and they were still talking about it when she returned downstairs to put on her shoes and go out to meet Eddie for a group project. Even Judy across the street had something to say, complaining about the sudden dearth of this or the wealth of that.

“I don’t see the big deal,” said Eddie without looking up from his notebook. “It’s just groceries.”

Secretly Dani agreed, but she did not say anything. They were seated at the dining table with their textbooks open to various pages. Dani had brought her bag of various colored pens and highlighters, its contents spilling across the wooden surface.

“In that case,” Judy replied, “you can come with me to the supermarket. Come on.”

He blinked up at his mother in befuddlement. “But we’re working on a school thing,” he said, gesturing to Dani sitting beside him.

“And you can work on it when you get back.” When Judy waved at him, the keys in her grasp jangled. “Let’s go. Danielle, honey, you can stay here, if you want.”

“No, I’ll come, too,” said Dani, pushing her seat back and standing.

Eddie huffed, but dutifully rose to his feet and followed his mother into the garage. The three of them piled into the sedan parked there, and Judy drove.

“Don’t see why we need to come at all,” Eddie said from the backseat.

“Maybe I need a few hands to help push a cart and carry bags,” Judy drawled, signalling before she turned down a street. “Or maybe I just want your delightful company, Edmund Kyle O’Mara.”

At the sound of his full name being used, Eddie sank a few inches in his seat and went quiet. Clearing her throat, Dani braved the silence that followed with a tentative attempt at conversation, which managed to get them all the way to the store without further incident. By the time they stepped out of the car and into the shop, Eddie had stopped his teenage sulking and was helpfully trotting off to grab a cart. He wheeled it after his mother, trailing dutifully in her wake.

The air inside the grocery store was slightly more cool than outside. It felt like a dampness on the skin. Dani shivered against it and tugged down the sleeves of the jumper she had stolen from Eddie’s closet earlier that afternoon. She cast a surreptitious eye about the place, half expecting her mother to appear from between one of the aisles and catch Dani wearing something so unflattering in public. No matter how hard Dani tried, she couldn’t shake herself of the feeling, and after a few minutes of idly perusing through the produce aisle behind Eddie and Judy, she removed the sweater and rolled it up beneath her arm instead despite the chill.

“Mom, can we get some of these?” Eddie asked, already holding up a bag of corn chips.

“Sure, honey,” Judy murmured, distracted by the list of items scrawled onto a piece of paper in her hand.

Dani peered over Judy’s shoulder at the list. “I can go get the washing powder.”

“Oh, would you? Thanks, sweetheart.”

Dropping the bundled up sweater into the cart, Dani wandered off in search of the right aisle. She turned down what she thought was the proper one, and blinked in surprise to find that nothing was in its right place anymore. For a brief moment, she thought she must have turned down the wrong aisle, and she craned her neck back to read the sign that hung from the ceiling. In the seventeen years she had lived in North Liberty, the shelves had never been rearranged. With a furrow of her brow, Dani retreated and went down the next aisle and the next again. Finally, she found what she was looking for, but no sooner had she reached the home cleaning supplies section than she froze.

Before her a wall of brightly colored cardboard boxes and plastic containers loomed. Rows upon rows. Arms wrapped around her midriff to ward off the prickle of cold, Dani’s gaze traced the lines of unfamiliar brand names in a wandering path, trying to find something, anything, that looked even remotely recognizable. But whatever brands the new supplier had stocked were so utterly unfamiliar, that Dani felt herself go stock-still.

It didn’t matter. She knew it didn’t matter. Any of these would do the trick. It was the uncertainty, the unknowing. Wanting something so mundane — just one thing, just this one thing — to be a mindless decision. And for a fleeting moment, she found herself wondering if this was what all the fuss was about, if this was what it meant. Homesickness. A longing for the return of normalcy. Just for this. Just for a moment.

“Did you find it?”

Whirling around, eyes wide, Dani found Eddie trundling the shopping cart down the aisle towards her. “What?” she asked.

He stopped, glanced at the wall of washing powders, and reached out to grab a box at random, hauling it into the cart along with the rest of the items.

“Why that one?” Dani asked, pointing.

Pausing to consider the question, Eddie shrugged. “Who cares? It’s just washing powder.” Then he turned the cart and smiled. “Come on. Mom’s this way.”

—

‘Dear Jamie,

I finally had to get rid of that scarf you gave me for Christmas. One of the ends unravelled. I borrowed Judy’s sewing machine and patched it back up, but it only delayed the inevitable.

On the plus side, I got to pick out a new one at a store in Davenport. The car ride with mom wasn’t great, but I think you’d like the scarf I picked in the end. I actually turned around, thinking mom was you standing behind me to show it to you. Don’t think I’ll make that mistake again any time soon.

Do you still have the scarf I gave you? Is it cold where you are? Hopefully not. It’s starting to get cold again here. I wish winter would go faster. The only good part about snow is that you liked it.

Still, it’s not all bad. I finally said yes to a date with Eddie.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but be nice. It was actually kind of fun. We went to the diner and then for a walk. He gave me his gloves because I was cold and I’d left mine at home. Judy, of course, was thrilled. And mom was — well. You know how she is.

I miss you. Stay warm.

-Dani.’

—

Her mother had been snooping around in Dani’s bedroom again. Dani could tell. Dani could always tell. There was a delicate balance to every aspect of Dani’s things — the way she hung her clothes, the way she made her bed, the way she left her closet door open just so, the way she positioned a tiny slip of paper into the shut door, so that upon re-entry she could glance around and see exactly what had or had not changed.

“Just a bit of cleaning,” was Karen’s usual excuse.

Not that Dani ever confronted her about it. Not really. Simple queries like “Were you looking for something?” were not confrontation.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” was the usual reply.

Or, “It’s my house, Danielle. I can go where I want.”

Or even, “No. Do I need to be looking for something?”

Though the latter was usually reserved for the days when her mother was feeling particularly distrustful. As if Dani had something to hide. As if Dani were holding a door desperately shut, while her mother rattled the handle on the other side.

Shutting the door behind her, Dani leaned her back against it and surveyed the room. Karen had been looking under her bed. The sheet had rumpled from where she precariously tucked it just that morning. Dani’s grip tightened around the plain wooden box in her hands as she took note of the minute changes, cataloguing where her mother had been snooping and inevitably come up empty-handed.

As if Dani would be so foolish as to hide something beneath her bed. Honestly.

For a moment she listened to the sounds outside her bedroom, but there was nothing concerning. Her mother was still downstairs watching television after a day’s work. How she even found the time to go snooping was a mystery in and of itself.

With a sigh, Dani stepped towards her closet door. Pushing it open, she dropped down to her knees and reached behind a conveniently located half chest of drawers. A press of her fingers in just the right place, and the false panel popped open. She set it aside, then reached in to pull out the crawlspace’s contents one at a time.

An old band t-shirt.

A book.

A Zippo lighter.

A necklace.

A stack of photographs bound by a rubber band.

A cassette tape.

Dani sat, cross-legged, on the floor of her closet, surrounded by a fanning array of items as though at the center of a summoning circle. The box she held in her lap. It was plain and wooden with a bronze latch. The plainer the better. Less likely to arouse suspicion, should it be exhumed.

She hesitated to touch the t-shirt, her fingertips grazing the edge of the fabric as though afraid it would disintegrate at the slightest provocation. Her hand moved to the photographs. She peeled back the rubber band and flipped through the glossy pages. At some point in time, she had labelled the backs of each one.

Here was Jamie in 1976 at an Oaks game with Eddie, eating a hotdog and looking bored while Eddie cheered in the background. Here was Jamie laughing and reaching out towards the camera so that she was blurred with motion. Here was Jamie just a little over a year ago passed out on the couch, while Mikey was fast asleep on her stomach. Here was Jamie. Here was Jamie. Here was –

Nausea coiled faintly in Dani’s stomach. Abruptly, she wrenched open the box’s lid and began to shove all the items inside. It took a bit of furtive rearranging for everything to fit, and then her trembling thumb was pressing the latch shut with a final and resounding click. Her breath was coming fast and sharp. Dani had to close her eyes and steady herself, the feeling of the box beneath her hands, squeezing it shut as though afraid its contents might batter against the lid, yowling to be set free.

Movements quick and furtive, Dani shoved the box behind the false panel in her closet. And sometimes at night, she swore she could hear it clawing against the wall.

—

‘Dear Jamie,

Have you ever felt like you were walking towards something you should be running away from? Everything feels like it’s moving so fast. Homework keeps piling up. Mom won’t stop breathing down my neck about my grades and college. Eddie asked me on another date. I feel like I’ve had a headache everyday just this week alone, and nothing I’m doing to stop it has helped.

I know it’s impossible, I know I need to stop thinking about it, but I wish you were here. You were always good at slowing things down and helping me relax. Whether we were sneaking out at night to the movies, or just sitting quietly together in either of our rooms.

I don’t remember the last time I was ever that relaxed. All I can do is smile and pretend that everything is okay. And honestly, I’ll tell you a little secret: sometimes I believe it myself. Sometimes I find myself laughing at something and wondering where it came from. Like all the doors to the rooms within me were slammed shut, and the only one cracked open was this mask I don’t recognize. Has that ever happened to you?

I’m sorry, I should really stop dumping all this on you.

In happier news, I have a small job lined up this summer! I’ll be babysitting the Newman's five and eight year olds. They even have a small dog with curly brown hair just like yours. His name is Jax, and he’s very cute. It’s not a lot of money, but it’s something to keep my hands busy after school’s over. Didn’t Nan say something about that once? Something about moral fiber and idle hands? Anyways, it’s something, and certainly better than sitting around doing nothing.

I hope you’re well. I hope you’re happy. Miss you.

- Dani

—

The school entrance was nothing short of spectacularly adorned of ribbons, balloons, and a banner that read: Homecoming. Groups of students dressed in fancy attire loitered at the front while slowly streaming inside. In the passenger’s seat of one of the O’Mara’s cars, Dani hid her clenched fists in the folds of her pale pink dress and worried at her lower lip as she watched through the windshield. A hand reached out to lightly grasp her fist.

“Hey,” Eddie said, gently unclasping her clenched hand to hold over the console, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Dani rushed out, aiming a weak grin at Eddie, “Of course. Just - nervous I guess.”

He gave her a kind smile. “It’s okay. Me too, honestly,” he said, and chuckled lightly, pushing his glasses up his nose in a way he usually did when he was nervous. “Kind of feels like we’re sitting in a fishbowl already.”

Dani breathed out an awkward chuckle in lieu of responding, nerves straining beneath her skin.

“But hey,” Eddie continued, lightly shaking her hand and ducking his head to get a better look at her face in the lowlight of the car, “I’m really happy you decided to come with me.”

“Me too,” Dani murmured, not meeting his eyes.

And it wasn’t untrue for the most part. It only just took her the long, winding road to get there. Days and weeks of Eddie asking with hopeful eyes and a gentle tone, only to end with a disappointed nod of his head whenever she had told him no or given an indecisive answer. It was too early to decide. She wasn’t in the mood. She was too busy. But finally, he had worn her down with the promise of all the ice cream she could want, and a night away from home.

In the car now, his eyes shone brightly from the distant light of the school entrance, his grin gentle and fond. “I know - I know it’s been hard lately. With everything,” he started hesitantly, his thumb running over her knuckles, “But let’s try to have fun. I really want to give you a night where you didn’t have to think about anything. Not school, or your mom, or - “ he paused, and smiled weakly, his eyes ducking briefly, the jaw of his muscle jumping “ - or anything else. Just us, having fun.”

Drawing in a low breath, Dani nodded, braving a faint smile. “And remember,” Eddie said, “We can bail any time if we’re not having fun. Get some ice cream, find a party to crash.”

Dani chuckled and Eddie grinned broadly, boyishly sweet and handsome in his blue suit. “Okay,” Dani murmured, and exhaled. “Okay. I’m ready.”

It was easy, letting Eddie jump out and round the car to open the door for her with his hand held out. Easy to slip her hand back into his and let him lead her into the school. Easy to let him murmur in her ear how pretty he thought she looked. She plastered on a soft smile in the hopes of coming across as shy at the compliment instead of how abnormally strange it felt hearing those words come from him after all this time. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t heard him compliment her before, but they were becoming more regular by the day along with those long, captivated smiles, and all Dani could do was tuck the uneasiness away and push it aside.

Instead, she let herself take in the school as they entered, to greet her friends and schoolmates with waves and bright smiles and hugs. To let her eyes scan over the gymnasium when they finally entered, decorated in a bare fairy tale theme. String lights strewn along the walls and above their heads, fake flowers and plants stuck to the walls and placed as centerpieces on circular tables. It was pretty but simple, for all the school budget had to spare, but no one seemed to care. With pop music blaring from the rented stereo system, there was already a plethora of students on the dancefloor and lingering beside a long table of drinks and snacks.

Eddie nudged Dani lightly and bent low for her to hear him say, “How much do you wanna bet that someone spiked the punch already?”

Dani laughed and shook her head. “I don’t need to bet,” she said, and nodded towards the table, “Look.”

Following her line of sight, they both looked to find none other than Sterling sneaking furtive glances around for any nearby teachers or chaperons before carefully pouring in a healthy amount of white liquor from a flask.

Eddie laughed and gave her a grin. “You want some?”

Immediately, Dani’s stomach twisted uncomfortably. “Um - maybe later?”

Eddie shrugged. “Sure,” he said, and tugged gently at her hand, “Ready then?”

Taking another long scan around the room, Dani finally nodded and let Eddie pull her deeper into the crowded room.

There was something to be said with mixing spiked punch, loud music that hammered against your chest, and a crowd of teenagers in one room. The razor facades in school hallways and lunch cliques fading away to awkward but zealous dancing, tears and arguments in gymnasium corners and bathrooms, cheap blue lights that shone above and reflected off of tinsel and sequins. And even as she felt eyes on them throughout the night, even as Eddie smiled broad and proud as her friends complimented how cute they looked together, the facade Dani had painted on remained and she managed to tuck it all away, determined to have fun for the first time in months. Lingering on the outskirts of the dancefloor with Eddie, laughing at his commentary and sharing the occasional dance with him or a cluster of her friends when she felt brave enough.

She had even let herself share a dance with Roger. Eddie had let them go with a good natured roll of his eyes and broad grin. She hadn’t spoken to Roger much recently, not since long before the summer holidays when Nan’s anniversary had come around, but he was still as friendly as ever while they conversed and danced slowly at a respectable distance. But when his smile slowly faltered, a look of somber hesitance crossing his face, Dani felt her heart sink.

“Listen, um - “ Roger started, “I didn’t get the chance to tell you before. Didn’t know when was a good time really, but I just wanted to say sorry. Y’know, about Jamie - “

“It’s fine,” Dani interrupted quickly, just a little sharply. He blinked and slowly nodded, ducking his head, and Dani said again more softly, “It’s fine.”

Roger nodded again and offered her a faint smile, and that was that. They finished their dance and Roger let her quietly slip away with a thanks and apology. She aimed a weak smile at him and went in search of Eddie. When she found him, he was sipping deeply from a red cup by the table and brightened when he spotted her.

“Want one now?”

Fixing her eyes on the bowl of punch, Dani gritted her teeth through a thin smile and nodded. And just as she had expected, the taste was similar to a sweet, pungent acid that burned on the way down. Eddie laughed when she twisted her face, but gamely she took another long sip.

“Careful,” Eddie chuckled, “Don’t want to end up like Kyle, do you?” He jerked his head towards a form slumped over on a table.

“Oh,” Dani said, wincing, “I hope he’s okay.” But when Kyle was roughly jostled awake by a friend and staggered to his feet to be dragged away somewhere, she breathed out a laugh and shook her head.

“Seems fine to me,” Eddie said, and when a fun disco song transitioned to a slow ballad, a look of shy eagerness overtook him. He drew in a slow breath and nudged the back of her hand with his. “Hey - do you want to dance again?”

Dani hesitated. She had been expecting this question all night, but still was not prepared for the way her heart hammered abruptly against her ribs. Swallowing thickly at Eddie’s hopeful eyes, his glasses reflecting bright fairy lights as though they were stars, Dani slowly nodded with a faint smile.

Eddie blinked in surprise. “Really?” he asked softly.

“Yeah,” Dani lied, feeling her stomach sour, but a broad smile bloomed on Eddie’s face, brightening his features, and she couldn’t help but feel her heart soften at the sight of it.

Without a word, he took her hand and guided her onto the dance floor, wedging them through couples with their arms around each other, slow dancing. Dani kept her head low, focused on the path they took rather than the room encompassing them, the unnerving sense of eyes watching them returning, settling over her like cold water.

All their dances so far had been set to upbeat music, spinning each other around and competing on who knew the most popular dance moves, instigated by Eddie in an effort to make her laugh. She had been grateful, but with every slow song that came and went, she could feel Eddie’s shoulders bunch beside her as he gave her careful sidelong glances when he thought she wasn’t looking.

But Dani was always looking, waiting and anticipating every look or touch of the hand, never having the heart to turn him away, and worse, not knowing why. And this was no different. This was Eddie putting his hands around her waist, this was Eddie giving her a nervous grin as she placed her hands on his shoulders, this was the slow sway they easily fell into, the sound of the ballad pressing on Dani’s eardrums.

There was a look of faint wonder on Eddie’s face as they danced, as though he had never expected them to end up here when the night began. There was an intensity to it that Dani wondered maybe if this was the part where she was supposed to feel the same way in return, that giddy, lovestruck feeling that all the other girls talked about regarding the boys they liked. As she let her eyes drift across his face, breathing in his fresh and sharp cologne, he was still the same Eddie. Still the same boy who spent most of his time with his nose stuck in a book or rehearsing for a Model UN debate, whose sweaters she stole and whose hugs felt warm and safe. There was a strange sense of both disappointment and relief within her, and in an effort to not think about why, she stepped closer to press against his chest to feel that same comforting warmth.

As she wrapped her arms fuller around him, she felt more than heard him chuckle, a hand moving to smooth up and down her back.

“Having fun?” he murmured. Dani nodded against the stiff fabric of his suit, humming affirmatively in response. “I’m glad,” he continued softly, “That was all I wanted.”

Without warning, her throat grew thick and she bit her tongue to quell the feeling, exhaling slowly when she managed to push it away. “Thank you,” Dani murmured, her eyes slipping closed, listening to the rapid thumps of his heart, “I think I really needed this.”

“Any time,” Eddie said, “God knows I needed it too. Have I told you yet how glad I am you agreed to come with me?”

Dani chuckled. “Once or twice,” she said, “But feel free to mention it again if you have to.”

But Eddie didn’t, remaining silent as they continued to sway. It only took her a moment to realize why, feeling his shoulders tense and his chest gradually expand as he drew in what seemed to be a fortifying deep breath. Her eyes flickered open, her breath caught in anticipation.

“Danielle?” Eddie started, carefully soft.

“Yeah?” she whispered, a pool of trepidation whirling in her stomach.

“Can I kiss you?”

For all the nerves she felt beneath her skin, for the way her heart crashed against her chest, there was a distinct lack of surprise ringing through her. Dani had been expecting this, she had heard of all the ways the other girls expected and hoped their own nights to go with their dates, she just hadn’t been expecting it so soon. This was always supposed to happen, wasn’t it, Dani thought as she slowly pulled back to meet Eddie’s eyes, wide with hopeful anxiety.

She could say no, she could gently let him down, tell him she wasn’t ready yet, that she may never be. And he’d understand, he’d nod and duck his head unable to hide his somber disappointment. She could keep telling him no until he finally gave up, until he was unable to look her in the eyes anymore, until he was asking for space and neglected to call her back or invite her over for dinner. Until he slipped away like sunlight between her trembling fingers, taking Judy and Carson and the rest of the family with him until all Dani was left with was a cold house that wanted to eat her whole, and her mother, both a ghost and puppeteer in equal measure.

Dani’s heart was racing, she realized. Panicked thoughts rushing through her mind at lightspeed, a future that felt like a long dark tunnel with no end in sight. She exhaled slowly and met Eddie’s gaze, waiting with increasingly nervous eyes. Offering him a weak smile, she reached up to push his glasses up his nose and cup his cheek, feeling a faint stubble beneath her palm, and finally, she nodded.

He blinked, a slow look of deep affection bloomed over him, his eyes drifting down to her mouth. “You sure?” he mumbled.

When she nodded wordlessly again, not trusting to speak, Eddie smiled wide and slowly bent down to capture her lips with his. It was soft and chaste, just as it had been all that time ago at a house party, and Dani found it to be almost pleasant for all the stirring emotion she didn’t feel. He made a soft, happy sound and his hands pressed her incriminantly closer before he finally pulled away, dazed and enamored.

“Wow,” he murmured under his breath.

This is the part, Dani told herself, where you kiss him again.

Confetti was suddenly drifting around them, sparkling gold and silver, and a thrilled clamor passed over the room. They both peered around and found confetti cannons on stage erupting with more glittering paper, and Eddie laughed.

“Perfect timing,” he said, his cheeks pink, his eyes bright and happy.

Dani chuckled in lieu of not knowing what to say, ducking her eyes and easing back into his chest, but then the song changed, transitioning into something softer. Familiar soft harmonies interspersed with sparse instruments. Recognition gradually fell upon her like a slow crashing wave, like the glittering confetti drifting over her. Dani sucked in a low breath and froze, her eyes going wide and her mouth slowly dropping open. The song reverberated around the room and pressed against her chest, squeezing tight like a band until it was hard to breath.

“Danielle?” Eddie said, feeling the sudden tension in her shoulders, bewildered and concerned, “You okay?”

“Um - “ Dani croaked, a tremble in her voice, easing out of his arms and unable to look him in the eyes, “I just - can you give me a moment? I need to go to the bathroom.”

She slowly backed away, and out of the corner of her eyes she could see him frowning. He called out her name again, but Dani didn’t deign to respond. Her jaw taut and her fists clenched, Dani pushed her way through the crowd at a brisk pace with quick shallow breaths, the song ringing in her ears like a train whistle. She pushed and pushed until she was surging out of the gym and into the hallway, the door clanging open. It was quieter in the hallway, the music muffled now through the doors, but it wasn’t enough.

There were other classmates loitering around in small groups in the hall, some glancing her way at the sudden noise of her appearance but didn’t linger long. Steeling herself, a desperate thrum beneath her skin that felt like she was being clawed inside out, Dani moved past them further down the hall, her feet heavy like lead, her head ducked with her eyes glued to the ground until she arrived finally to the girls bathroom at the end of the wing. She pushed open the door and let it creak closed behind her.

A pressure swelled within her in the quiet of the bathroom, bursting from her chest in sharp, quickening breaths now that she was alone. Embers bloomed from her lungs with every sharp inhale, her head spinning so that she stumbled forward to grip the damp countertop with white knuckles, the edge digging into her palms as she squeezed her eyes shut.

“Fuck,” she whispered in between gasping breaths, her voice cracking from the strain, feeling as though she were drowning on molten lava, burning a path through her chest.

She pressed a palm to her sternum, sucking in lungfuls of air, fingers digging into the fabric of her dress, and focused to slow her breath, to swallow down the panic swelling within her throat. An inhale, and an exhale, trembling but slow, again and again until she could finally hear past the rush of blood in her ears and feel the walls expand again from where they were pressing on her. And just as resigned herself that the burn in her lungs would remain until she retrieved her inhaler from the car, a door behind her slowly creaked open.

Dani sucked in a sharp breath, eyes snapping open as she jerked upright, frozen to the spot. Immediately, a heavy stone of dread and embarrassment sank in her stomach when through the mirror, Jackie emerged from a stall, dressed to the nines in a sparkling periwinkle dress with her hair perfectly coiffed and feathered. Their eyes briefly met, and Dani promptly ducked her head, hastily wiping at her burning cheeks, her shoulders hunching.

The clack of heels sounded behind her in the uneasy quiet, moving closer until Jackie was a few sinks down from her, eerily silent as she twisted open the faucet to wash her hands. Dani swallowed thickly, her jaw clenched and her breath caught in anticipation, her heart a claxon in her chest. Waiting for the usual taunting jeer, for a cruel laugh that never came. Instead, there was a silence between them that Dani was unused to, leaving her feeling as though she was teetering over the edge of a great capricious cliff, waiting for a hand to push her off.

Hesitantly, Dani’s eyes slowly drifted up towards their reflections. There was Dani, haggard and hollow-eyed with red stained cheeks. And there was Jackie, slowly meeting her gaze with an expression that was both faintly uncomfortable and tentative. Jackie promptly looked away. Rooted to the spot, Dani watched out of the corner of her eyes as Jackie turned off the faucet to dry her hands with paper towels, and without a word, without another glance back, swung open the bathroom door to make a swift exit. Blinking in the silence, utterly perplexed and exhausted, Dani’s eyes slipped shut and her shoulders slumped with a slow exhale.

She stood there for a few minutes longer, leaning heavily against the counter. Washing her hands with cold water, letting it run long over her fingers and wrists. Splashing cool droplets over her cheeks and neck to cool the burn. Stood there until some semblance of control smoothed over her, until reality shifted back from it’s prism of panic.

Exhaling slowly, she made to finally exit the bathroom, but when she swung open the door, she paused when she was greeted with Eddie leaning against the opposite wall with his hands deep in his pockets, his brow furrowed with worry. When he spotted her, his eyes lit up with concern and he stood upright.

“Hey,” he murmured, taking a step towards her, his eyes scanning over her, “Are you okay? You look -“

“It’s -” Dani started, stumbling over the words as she neared him, “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” he said, “You got out of there so fast, and now you look exhausted. And then Jackie told me where you were, which was weird. Wait - did she say something to you? What happened?”

Dani was shaking his head before he even stopped speaking. “It’s - it was nothing. Just - “ the words lodged themselves in the back of her throat. “Can we - um,” Dani said in a whisper, staring resolutely at his tie and not his eyes, “Can we get some air?”

Eddie was already nodding. “Yeah, sure,” he said, “Whatever you want.”

He led her down the hall towards the front doors, and Dani followed wordlessly, easily falling into step with him, almost unseeing, her eyes glued to the floor. It was easy to let him guide her, almost a relief that she didn’t have to focus more beyond putting one foot in front of another, to breathe in the cool evening air when they finally stepped outside. They walked for a few minutes longer, and without even realizing it, Dani found herself being guided to sit down on the first row of bleachers of the school stadium.

Exhaling a slow breath that rattled in her chest, the embers there a dying glow, she wrapped her arms around herself and hunched within her shoulders. A warm suit jacket was strewn over her shoulders, and she shot Eddie an appreciative smile when he sank to sit beside her. He grinned softly and took her hand once again.

“How’s this?” he asked softly.

“Better,” Dani murmured, “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Eddie said, and visibly hesitated. “You want to tell me what happened now?”

Dani clenched her teeth, letting her eyes scan over the darkened field, tracing over the red track, and felt a dim ache in her chest. Her eyes glazing over, her thumb drifted towards her mouth and she bit down hard into the skin and nail until there was the faint taste of copper in her mouth.

“Hey - Danielle. Hey -!” Eddie grabbed her hand and pulled it gently from her mouth to hold in a tight grasp, looking stricken.

“Sorry,” Dani croaked, and cleared her throat, “Sorry.”

Eddie shook his head, looking at a loss for words, eyes darting over the field for a moment before meeting her gaze. “No, I’m - I’m sorry,” he said, contrite, “I should have taken you to the car instead.”

Nodding faintly, Dani ducked her head. “Sorry I ruined tonight.”

Shaking his head, Eddie shifted closer and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “You didn’t,” he murmured, “Just means we can go get ice cream now.”

Breathing out a weak chuckle, Dani faintly said, “Yeah. Sounds nice, actually.”

Eddie pulled her closer, his hand rubbing a warm path over her shoulder and arm, audibly swallowed hard, and finally said, “I miss her, too.”

—

‘Dear Jamie,

I visited Nan today. I brought a bouquet of her favorite flowers and cleaned up her gravestone. I hope that’s all right, that I went to see her. I don’t visit as often as I used to, or talk to her as much anymore. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been rolling her eyes at how much I talk, but I think she secretly enjoys the company. I went to see my dad too. I don’t really remember the last time I visited him, just that mom got upset when she found out and didn’t talk to me for a few days. I haven’t been since until today. It was nice, I told him all about you. I think you two would have gotten along.

I went to see the house again too. Sometimes I just find myself there without realizing it, driving or walking past, and I’ve done so enough that it doesn’t feel as shocking anymore to see how it’s decayed. The broken and boarded windows, and the overgrown grass. Nan would catch a fit if she saw what happened to it. It’s not pretty inside either. Everything is gone. The wallpaper and paint are peeling and there’s debris everywhere that I could almost hear Nan yelling at us to clean up. The backyard is just as bad as you can imagine. Your bike is still there, but the tire swing is gone. All that’s left is the rope hanging from the tree, just waiting for an accident to happen.

When I was walking through the old bedrooms when I had the sudden thought: I could live here. Now, look, I know it sounds crazy but it wouldn’t be too hard. Just a bit of elbow grease and a little money for repairs and new furniture. I could live here all alone and no one would ever find me. I’d have my white curtains and blue shutters. A reading nook in the corner with an armchair like Nan’s. A garden of fresh fruits and vegetables in the back. Rooms that smelled of flowers and fresh laundry. My own little corner of the world like I once told you about. But I guess it was just a dream.

I suppose I just wanted to see it for myself. It’s been a while now since you left, and for so long I hoped to see you again, but seeing the house like that, discarded and forgotten like a carcass in the woods, I think I understand now. There is no going back. Even when I wake up every night and I want to call you to tell you everything and that I can’t sleep, I remember.

Sometimes I feel like I miss you more than I remember you, and I don’t know what to do with that, or where to put it all. So, I suppose I have to leave it here. At the cottage and in this letter.

Speaking of letters, I got my college acceptance letters today. It’s not what you had hoped for me probably, not the freedom we had both once imagined, but I like to think you might be proud of me at least. It’s a step towards something, towards teaching like I’ve always wanted, and that has to count for something, right?

I hope you know I’m proud of you too, wherever you are and whatever you might be doing.

- Dani

—

The party was far too reminiscent of one she had attended years ago. She had not attended many since, preferring to mingle outside of student housing and on the steps of the library. Not unless corralled by etiquette – de rigeur to a fault.

Dani hunched her shoulders and squeezed herself tighter into the corner as someone passed by without so much as a glance in her direction. “Sorry,” she mumbled and clutched her red plastic cup to her chest.

From this vantage point, Dani could see the entirety of the living room, the open back door leading to the lawn, the pillars framing the entrance to the kitchen. A strange house full of strange people. People draped across the couches, people perched upon the armrests of chairs, people grouped up in packs, people talking loudly over the music, people circulating drinks and no food, people stripping off their shirts and lowering themselves into the outdoor jacuzzi beneath a night-darkened sky.

Taking a sip of her drink – hard alcohol mixed with whatever canned pop was stashed in the fridge – Dani scanned the crowd for any sign of the girl who had invited her in the first place. The girl who sat beside her in class. The girl who invited Dani and who only ever referred to Eddie as ‘the boyfriend.’ The girl with dark hair and dark skin and dark eyes, who took every opportunity to lean in close and whisper jokes in Dani’s ear during lectures, who had grasped Dani’s hand warmly upon first meeting and introduced herself as Lila.

It took Dani a moment to find her. There were so many people bunched about. At one point she thought she saw Eddie outside, conversing with a group of students from the engineering department. His glasses gleamed as he laughed. Knowing he was near enough to reach in a moment was enough. Idly Dani glanced towards the far corner, nearest the unlit fireplace, and froze.

Lila stood in the corner in full view of the rest of the house, very clearly kissing another girl from their year group. Nobody seemed to care or even notice. Nobody except Dani, who stared at the slant of their mouths together, at the grasp of Lila’s hand at the other girl’s waist, at the ease and obvious delight with which they kissed — sloppy yet smiling.

Dani heard more than felt the plastic cup in her hand crumple slightly, and the contents of her cup were abruptly squeezed out, overflowing onto her wrist and the front of her blouse. Swearing under her breath, Dani set the plastic cup down on a side table already cluttered with absent drinks and cans of cheap beer. She shook out her hand and looked down at her blouse. It wasn’t stained, but a splotch of the pale material was now nearly transparent, showing the outline of Dani’s bra beneath.

With a sigh, she squeezed her way past a few people, apologising as she went, until she made it to an uncrowded hallway. There, she peered into an open door, discovered that the room was indeed the bathroom, and slipped inside, shutting the door behind her.

She was standing before the sink and reaching for a wash towel when she saw him. A dark and faceless figure in the mirror, looming over her reflection’s shoulder like a shade. Eyes wide, Dani whirled around with a gasp, brandishing the hand towel as though it were a weapon.

The towel knocked the apparition sideways. It was, she realised, made of cardboard. A life sized cut out figure of Michael Myers. A prank, perhaps. A vestigial decoration from a recent Halloween party, more likely.

“Jesus Christ,” she muttered to herself.

Heart still pounding in her chest, Dani shook her head and turned back around. She dabbed at her blouse to very little effect, before resigning herself to the fact that she could do nothing but wait for it to dry.

Voices outside the door. Then the tramp of footsteps receding down the hallway. There was a knock, and Dani called out, “Just a minute!”

Checking her reflection one last time in the mirror — and casting a glare at the cardboard cut out for good measure — Dani opened the bathroom door and stepped out into the hallway. The empty hallway. She shut the bathroom door behind her with a click, frowning down the hall towards the main room and the party.

“Having fun?”

Dani jerked around to find Lila leaning against the wall and smiling. “Oh! Hi! Yeah, I – uh –” Dani made a small gesture towards the hallway at large. “I like your house.”

“Thanks. I rent it with, like, six other people.”

“That’s a lot.”

Lila shrugged. “Still better than the dormitories. More privacy.”

“With six other people?”

“Maybe less privacy,” Lila amended with a grin. “More freedom, though.”

“Sounds nice,” Dani agreed. “Which room is yours?”

It was meant to be an innocent question, but the moment it slipped out Dani winced. Lila’s grin broadened and her eyes flicked down to the see-through mark on Dani’s shirt.

“I just meant –” Dani stammered.

“Yeah?”

“It’s – It’s a big house. Easy to get lost in."

Lila nodded. “It is.” Then she pointed down the hallway, further away from the living room. “Mine’s that one on the right. I would invite you in, but it’s a mess right now.”

“Oh, I don’t mind,” said Dani, then went bright red. Perhaps one of those boys in the kitchen had poured more rum into her cup than she’d originally thought.

Biting back a snort of laughter, Lila shook her head. “You really do make this too easy.”

Dani grimaced. “Sorry.”

“That’s all right. I thought you were straight? Didn’t you come here with the boyfriend?”

Dani’s mouth dropped open, but no sound came out. Finally she managed to swallow past the pressure at her throat, and said, “I did. I mean – I am. He’s – around. Somewhere. I think.”

Lila nodded sagely. “Mmm. Yes. Very convincing.”

“That’s –” Dani clamped her teeth shut and cast a furtive look down each end of the hallway, but nobody was coming towards them. Nobody seemed to be eavesdropping. “Did you need something?”

Lila’s eyebrows rose. She cocked her head, still smiling faintly. “Yeah,” she said, taking a step closer. “Actually, I do.”

“Oh?” Dani could feel herself tense, her hands clenching into fists at her side. The air was too warm, cloying, and Lila’s eyes were keen as darts.

Lila reached out and for a brief breathless moment Dani thought she was going to touch her – grasp her gently by the arm, cup her cheek, take her chin between clever fingers and guide Dani by the jaw – only for Lila to turn the doorknob just behind Dani.

“I need to pee,” said Lila. “And you’re standing right in front of the bathroom.”

An unexpected burst of laughter escaped Dani then. She leaned back against the shut door, lifting a hand to cover her face, laughing into her palm. Lila grinned at her as Dani slipped out of the way with a series of breathless apologies.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lila told her, giving Dani a wave even as she shut the bathroom door. “See you in class!”

“Yeah,” Dani waved back and ducked her head, relieved to be heading back down the hall in search of Eddie.

It wasn’t that Lila wasn’t nice. Because she was. And it wasn’t that people at the party weren’t nice. Because they were. A few tried to engage her in conversation while she crossed the main room to get to the back door. She was just tired, Dani told herself. She wanted to go home.

It had nothing to do with the thrill skittering beneath her ribs. Nothing at all to do with the fact that Dani had no idea what she would have done if Lila had made some sort of advance. Balked? Probably not. Accepted? Surely not.

Surely not.

That wasn’t her. Dani wasn’t that person.

“Hey,” Eddie greeted her with a smile when she found him still engaged in conversation with a group out back. “How’s it going?”

Dani wrapped a hand around his arm. “Fine. Can we go? Sorry. I know it’s early.”

“That’s all right,” one of the other guys said — she didn’t know any of their names. He winked at Eddie and patted him on the shoulder. “We’ll catch up next week, yeah?”

Eddie’s answering chuckle sounded slightly nervous and he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Sure,” then he said to Dani, “Come on. I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”

—

Sex with Eddie wasn't his idea. Only that it was something Dani thought they ought to do. Because it was a step forward, and any step forward was better than looking back.

She wanted to want it. She wanted to think of him and not the way Lila smiled at her in class. The way the cute and curvy barista always brushed their fingers together when she handed over Dani's cup of coffee. The way the older librarian always wore her soft blouse with a button undone so that Dani's eyes could trace her collarbone. The way a female classmate squeezed by her in a tightly crowded hallway with a brief press of her hand to the small of Dani's back.

Most of all she didn't want to be left alone with her thoughts about the dream. About going to her dorm after the party, kissing Eddie good night, only to fall asleep and wake up clutching a spare pillow, knees clenched together. Still haunted by a dream where a faceless figure explored her body with a soft mouth, a roving tongue and sharp teeth. And how she had tried to relieve the slick heat between her legs with her own hands, only to give up after ten minutes of frustration, unable to conjure up a face, unable to feel any sense of connection to herself enough to finish alone. Physicality seemed to jolt her back to herself, away from the jumbled fantasy that existed in the dark and nowhere else, making her feel less real, less tangible.

Sex with Eddie was easier than she had expected. And exactly as awkward as she had expected.

It took a grand total of fifteen minutes. Afterwards, Eddie rolled onto his side and tucked his head into the crook of Dani’s shoulder with a sigh, an arm still flung across her waist. They had a few more hours until her roommate returned to the dorm. She remained there, carding a hand through his dark hair and staring up at the ceiling, while Eddie sketched little patterns with his fingertips against her skin.

Sex with Eddie was uninspired. It was lackluster. And it was — Dani thought wonderingly to herself, thinking of all the girls she’d heard discussing the deed with giggling delight — ultimately disappointing.

She felt him press a kiss to her shoulder, and she blinked down at him.

“That was nice,” he mumbled.

Dani hummed a wordless reply rather than say something in return.

—

'Dear Jamie,

You’d be proud of me. I went to a party. All on my own, no less. Well, not alone. Eddie came, too. But I was the one who secured the invitation, and I think that counts for something.

I had the strangest dream afterwards, though. I don’t think alcohol agrees with me much. Must be a family trait.

I wish you’d been there. At the party, I mean. The whole time I was there, all I could think about was how well you’d get along with everyone. How much more fun it would be with you. I miss you.

All my love,

- Dani

—

It was his face afterwards that had stuck with her. Contorting between bafflement and hurt, fidgeting on his knee after Dani had pulled the rug from right beneath him.

“What do you mean: no?” Eddie had said slowly, as though he was still parsing out the words in his head.

“We’re - Eddie, we’re still so young, and - can you stand up, please? The snow is melting into your pants,” Dani said, pulling at her fingers, fighting the urge to run in the opposite direction.

“I just - “ Eddie started, glancing wordlessly around the quiet park where they stood before finally rising to his feet. Without meeting her eyes, he finally murmured, his breath a white mist, “I thought this was what you wanted, too.”

Words lodged themselves in Dani’s throat, confessions building like bile. Things she had never truly taken into consideration before, but couldn’t possibly say. Not on Christmas morning on an impromptu walk in the park at Eddie’s eager insistence, intent on blindsiding her with an unplanned proposal. He had never looked so serious before, lacking the teasing glint he had worn in his eyes the dozens of times he’d asked before in the past years. Utterly earnest with the way he dropped to his knee with the admission he had no ring, but knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

But then she had said it: ‘No.’ The word seeming to come out of nowhere, banging on her ribs to be let out until she was speaking it before she could stop herself. And then there it was, his face. Blinking up at her as though he was seeing her for the first time.

“I’m sorry,” Dani said, her fingers twitching to grasp his hand, quietly urging him to look at her, “I’m just - I don’t think I’m ready yet. It’s too soon.”

A muscle jumping in his jaw, Eddie nodded and gradually met her gaze. “But one day?” he asked quietly, hope glinting in his eyes.

It sounded like a promise. One she’d have no say in the matter, or opportunity to change her mind. A contract of infinite fine lines. Dani exhaled, the morning air cold and sharp against her cheeks and nose, shifting on her feet in the snow.

Already tired and the day had barely begun, Dani finally relented. “Yeah,” Dani breathed, smiling weakly, “One day. Just - not now, okay?”

The morning sun cast sharply against the snow, leaving long angled shadows from the trees and their figures, the light glinting off of Eddie’s glasses when ducked his head briefly and nodded.

“Okay,” he murmured, offering her a brave smile that was more frail and still disappointed than anything. But then, the teasing glimmer was back, the corner of his mouth lifting in a knowing smirk. “It was the ring, wasn’t it? Because I didn’t have one and you want a nice big shiny ring?”

Dani blinked at him and then rolled her eyes hard, thwacking him lightly on the arm. He laughed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder for a loose hug. Dani let him, slipping her arms around his waist and squeezing her eyes shut as she pressed into his chest, the part of her relieved to hear him laugh again suffocating under the guilt clutching at her heart in a fist.

“Come on,” Dani said, lightly clearing her throat and pulling away to lead him back towards the house, “Before everyone starts to wonder if we ran away.”

“Wouldn’t be a bad thing,” Eddie said, waggling his eyebrows, slipping his hand into hers.

Dani huffed, and said, “Sure, until my mom calls the police for your head on a spike.”

Eddie blanched, as pale as snow. “Never mind.”

Snickering, Dani shook her head and led him back home. There had been an easiness to him on the way back, his cheeks pink from the cold, chuckling when his glasses immediately fogged when they stepped inside the house. But that had been then, and the hours slipped by with presents shared and lunch had, the easiness giving way to the return of quiet disappointment and dejection the longer they were subjected to the company of Tommy’s newest girlfriend and David’s fiancée. Eddie’s eyes dimming by the hour with forced smiles and hushed conversations in corners with Judy or Mike.

She inadvertently came across one by accident. Wandering into the kitchen in search of something to snack on to channel the nerves bubbling beneath her skin after escaping small talk and awkward smiles with Tommy’s girlfriend. Eddie with his head ducked and Judy murmuring softly to him. She froze when they spotted her, her shoulders tensing as they both gave her similar warm smiles that betrayed nothing of the conversation they were having.

“Sorry - um,” Dani said, eyes darting between them, “Did I interrupt something?”

“Of course not, honey,” Judy said, waving her off and returning to her task of putting together a platter of cookies, “Are you hungry again? Do you want me to heat up some leftovers for you?”

The question almost flew over Dani’s head, instead carefully watching Eddie quietly clear his throat before delving into the fridge for a drink. “No,” Dani said after a moment too long and plastered on a small smile at Judy, “I’m fine.”

Fine was one way of putting it, a dim sense of dread washing over her as Eddie merely offered her a kiss on the head and a crooked grin that didn’t reach his eyes when he slipped by, leaving the pair alone in the kitchen without a word. Her fists clenched, she watched his tall frame disappear around the corner.

There was a sigh behind her. “You kids grew up too fast if you ask me.”

Dani choked out a laugh. “Just a little bit,” she replied, biting her lip and folding her arms across her chest.

The kitchen remained silent for a moment, until Judy said, “Sweetheart, are you sure there isn’t anything I can do for you?”

There was a faint eagerness to Judy’s tone that Dani had no idea what to do with. Shaking her head faintly, she turned to be met with Judy’s kind but concerned expression. “I’m fine,” Dani repeated, “I promise.”

Judy seemed unconvinced, stepping closer to press her palm on Dani’s cheek, meeting her eyes with a level of intensity that Dani wasn’t used to. Not from Judy. “You would tell me,” Judy started slowly, “if there was something wrong, wouldn’t you, honey?”

Words banged again within her chest, beating against her ribs. I don’t know how to love him, it said, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m -

“Of course,” Dani lied, guilt twisting tight around her neck as she gave Judy a reassuring smile.

With a sigh, Judy gently shook her head. “Then I want you to stop worrying,” she said firmly but gently, slipping into a smile that bordered on teasing, “You’ll both come around. I just know it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two souls made for each other as much as you two. Well, besides Mike and I, of course.”

Judy laughed softly and Dani couldn’t help but mimic her, invisible strings stretching her mouth into a broad smile. And when Judy finally left her alone to her own devices in the kitchen with the platter of cookies in hand, Dani’s shoulders sagged and her smile slipped away in place of weariness. It took a moment for her to decide, already pulling down a wine glass from the cupboard before she made up her mind. Digging out a wine bottle from the fridge to fill her glass with a burgundy red that settled heavy on her tongue and smoothed the building panic within her until it was reduced back to a simmer.

It kept her company for the evening, a sip taken for every sidelong glance from Eddie, every encouraging smile from Judy, every stern look her mother sent her way. But when night began to settle and her flushed cheeks began to buzz, Dani quietly slinked away from the festivities to grab her jacket and boots to slip outside the backdoor, exhaling in relief when she stepped out onto the porch.

Leaning against the railing, her breath was a white cloud as she took in the scene. The air was brisk but still and quiet, the sky an indigo blue with faint stars twinkling above her, and for the first time since waking up this morning, a sense of peace swept over her in the quiet of the dark. But Dani didn’t have it for long. She had only been outside for just a few moments when the backdoor opened. Tensing, she turned around with excuses already on her tongue, but sighed when Carson shut the door behind him with a small grin and joined her at the railing.

Without a word, Dani returned to staring listlessly into the dark sky and backyard, fidgeting with her fingers.

“Thought I’d find you out here,” Carson murmured softly, as though unwilling to disturb the quiet, “Mom sent me to look for you.”

Dani snorted humorlessly. “Worried I was going to run off into the night?”

“Nah,” Carson said, and then paused, narrowing his eyes, “Is that something I should be worried about?”

Breathing out a thin laugh, Dani nudged him in the ribs. He jerked away, chuckling with a pleased grin before digging out a rumbled pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He lit one with practised ease, embers glowing bright in the dark, and wordlessly held it towards her. After a beat, Dani took it without looking over at him and took a long drag, welcoming the burn in her lungs.

“These aren’t good for you, you know,” she murmured flatly, expelling the smoke through pursed lips.

She felt Carson shrug. “I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it,” he said, lighting up a cigarette of his own.

Dani rolled her eyes in mild exasperation but didn’t respond, electing to smoke quietly until Carson broke the silence.

“Look, don’t worry about Eddie, okay?“

She sighed. “Carson.”

“I’m just saying,” he said, turning to face her, “I know he’s acting like a dick right now, but - well you know how he is. His favorite movie is The Graduate.” He twisted his face in distaste as though that explained everything.

Dani gave him a long look. “Is this why your mom sent you to find me?”

He shook his head. “Just to keep you company,” he murmured.

It was irritating how quick her eyes suddenly burned with unshed tears that she had to look away to hide them. She took a long drag to settle herself. “Thanks,” she said quietly, smoke billowing from her nose.

Carson was silent, the air thick with an unspoken question until finally he spoke again. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because believe it or not,” he said, “You’re not that hard to read.”

Her breath caught in her chest, staring fixedly at the untouched stretch of snow in the yard, feeling inexplicably like an exposed nerve. Swallowing thickly, she slowly met his eyes, almost expecting to see every single lie, every single confession waiting to stumble between her clenched teeth reflected back at her as though he knew all along. Just waiting for her to slip up and make a mistake and bleed herself dry. She didn’t know which was worse, the justified anger she had been expecting, or the gentle concern she found in his brown eyes instead.

When she took too long to respond, staring in a faint stupor, his frown deepened and he opened his mouth to speak, but Dani beat him to it. “I don’t really want to talk about it,” she stumbled out quickly, just a little sharply, and then softened when Carson blinked in surprise, the fight going out of her just as fast. “I just - I don’t like hurting him like that.”

Carson grinned softly. “I know,” he said, “But he’s gonna be fine. I promise. Before you know it, he’s going to be bugging you again about it. He’s relentless, remember?”

Dani nodded, almost unseeing as she took another long drag, weariness becoming a comfortable fixture in her bones. When she didn’t respond again, Carson put out his cigarette on the snow covered railing and wrapped an arm around her shoulders with a sigh. “Maybe you should run away after all,” he said.

A soft laugh escaped her, a small choked sound. She leaned against him when he chuckled and rubbed her shoulder, recalling a jar of loose change and crumbled bills left forgotten in some corner of her old bedroom with a fond, wistful smile.

—

‘Dear Jamie,

I don’t know why I keep trying to write these. Why I keep thinking about them. There’s nowhere for them to go, no address to send to. I write one, put it in an envelope, and then a few days later I throw it away. There’s no point in keeping them. Just as there’s no point in putting them in the post box.

I’ve stopped turning around and expecting you to be there when I have something to say. I guess that’s why I’ve been writing less of these lately. If you were going to come back, or call, or write to me, then you would’ve done so by now.

I think that’s the hardest part. Knowing that everyone else is moving on, while I’m here. I’m still here. Sometimes I think I always will be.

I like to imagine you going to all those places we talked about. I like to imagine your life is better now. I like to imagine you keep a piece of me with you.

- Dani

—

The car had seen better days, this Dani knew. No one had to tell her that. No one had to tell her that every door creaked with the screech of metal at every movement. That the gas meter was wrong more often than not, displaying it half full when in fact it was wheezing it's last breath. The passenger's side was slightly dented and scraped, the undercarriage tinted red with rust. But it was hers, and hers alone.

She’d only had it for a week now, bought just a few days after returning home from college for the summer with the full intention of making the most of it. The steering wheel was solid in her hands, the stereo tinny and staticky, the leather worn and crackling. A contained pocket universe of her own. It had the faint smell of dust and cigarettes, and she had spent the following day cleaning the interior before hanging an air freshener on the rearview window, all too happy to restore it to her liking for the simple fact that no one could tell her otherwise.

It felt like a taste of freedom, driving it for the first time. The sun was a warm companion as it slanted through the windows onto her skin, the wind from the open window whipping at her hair as she spent her evenings driving through neighbourhoods, watching streets and buildings pass by with aching familiarity and a sweet fondness.

Nothing could break her spell of gratified happiness. Not even Karen who scoffed and muttered under her breath with scorn and distaste when she laid eyes on it, displeased that Dani spent all her hard earned money on a car that could pass for a junker. Even when Eddie tilted his head in bewilderment, failing to hide his grimace when she had proudly showed it off couldn't diminish the lightness in her chest. Ignoring his mutterings that he could have come along to the dealer to assist in favor of soaking in Judy’s proud appraisals for taking another leap forward into adulthood, and Mike’s patient smile and offer to look over the car for basic maintenance.

But it wasn’t any of their reactions she had been truly looking forward to. Patiently waiting a full week until finally Carson arrived home from his freshman year at college with slumped shoulders and bags under his eyes to idle the car in the driveway and press on the car horn until he stumbled outside in his new leather jacket.

When he spotted the car and just who was inside, his eyes brightened and he sped towards her. “Holy shit, you did it!” Dani laughed and stepped out just in time for him to wrap her in a tight hug. “God, I missed you.”

“We saw each other two weeks ago,” Dani said, smiling into his chest.

“Yeah, but this is different,” Carson said, leaning heavily into her and groaned, “School’s finally over.” Dani stumbled under the weight of his taller frame and they both laughed, teetering off balance briefly until finally he pulled back. “Okay, I wanna look at it.”

Dani bit back a broad grin as he watched him round the car with the expression of a solemn appraiser. Pulling open doors to peer inside with hums of consideration and sweeping a finger over the scratched paint. He rubbed said finger with his thumb as though brushing off crumbs and finally aimed an impressed expression towards her.

“Well?” Dani said, folding her arms in amusement.

“It’s a load of junk,” Carson said, and Dani snorted, “But I love it.”

Dani rolled her eyes and Carson laughed, slinging an arm around her neck “I can’t believe you did it, I’m so proud of you,” he said, placing a kiss to her forehead.

“Thanks,” she murmured with a small smile as she looked over the car.

“But you do realize though that you’re driving me everywhere from now on, right?”

With a derisive snort, Dani shoved him off, grinning when he laughed again. “In that case, you’re buying gas.”

“Ouch,” he said, wincing and pressing a hand to his chest, “No free rides? Not even for your favorite O’Mara?”

“Nope,” Dani said, her mouth curling with an impish grin, “Though I do have the perfect place in mind for the first drive.”

He brightened with curiosity. “Oh, yeah?”

“Mhm,” Dani hummed, and without any fanfare, she pulled a folded envelope from the back pocket of her jeans and held it out towards him with a murmur, “Happy belated birthday.”

He blinked at her in surprise. “That was months ago.”

She shrugged shyly. “Wanted to do something special since we missed doing something last time,” she said, “And then I saw this, and well - I couldn’t pass up on the opportunity.”

The look he gave her was warm, fondness blooming from his eyes. Without a word, he took the envelope and peeked inside. He gasped, his eyes going wide. “You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“These are - no fucking way. These are tickets to - ?“

“They are. The show’s in two days.”

“Holy shit. Holy shit, Dani!” He laughed brightly and pulled her into a back breaking hug, lifting her off her feet, murmuring thank yous on repeat in her hair.

The next two days were spent in anticipation and secrecy, having told no one but Mike their plans for the day. When the day finally arrived, they piled into Dani’s car and rushed down the street with breathless giggles in an effort to not get caught by anyone from either household. Carson, happy and eager for the concert, using her dashboard as a makeshift drum with the drumsticks he brought along, and Dani, relieved to finally have an excuse to drive somewhere that wasn’t drifting aimlessly through streets.

The road long and narrow ahead of them, Dani guided them out of town towards Des Moines, North Liberty slowly disappearing in the rearview mirror like a mirage. Driving away felt like leaving reality behind, if only for a while. It was the possibility of choice, itself an illusion. A pretty fantasy she could pantomime like an actor on stage. With nothing but flat fields of corn and grass on the horizon, the great blue sky yawning open above her, she teased at the notion of letting her car take her beyond Des Moines, beyond into the unknown. That she might never leave the road until her tires wore down to the rim or she reached the end of the world.

“How did you even afford all this?” Carson asked over the rumbling of car wheels on tarmac and music hissing from the stereo. “The car and the tickets. It must have cost a fortune.”

“Not really,” Dani said, keeping her eyes on the road, “Saved up a lot from working at that bookstore near campus and years of allowances. And believe it or not - “ she aimed a sly grin at him “ - the car came pretty cheap.”

Carson snorted and rolled his eyes, slouching back into his seat.

What she failed to mention was the handful of bills and change from a certain travel fund jar that had helped her along the way. The money having been tucked away for years in the dark corners of her room, lingering over her like a shadowed veil. It had added up to nothing more than fifty-six dollars, a small dent in what the car and tickets cost that it might as well have been water vapor for all it contributed. But it was long overdue. There was no leaving North Liberty, no traveling the world like she had once dreamed, but having a car of her own, a whole world of her own — it was as close she was ever going to get.

The concert, in the end, was bright and loud and the most fun Dani has had in years. Rough guitars and heavy drums that felt like thunder in her chest, it wasn’t the kind of music Dani would ever actively search out, but she couldn’t deny how easy it was to get caught up into it. The stage lights casting along the surging and dancing crowd. Carson beside her, cheering and singing along to every word with the crowd until he was hoarse. And Dani with her shoulders the lightest it’s been in years, an unknown spectre amongst a crowd of hundreds, with no expectations and constraints tangled around her neck.

On the drive home, loose-limbed and the humid night air thick and heavy as molasses, she kept the windows down to let in the breeze that cooled their skin and ruffled their hair. Carson slouched low in his seat, almost boneless as he fiddled with the radio with a happy grin and lethargic eyes.

“So,” Dani started, “did you have fun?”

“Do you even need to ask,” he croaked, his voice rough. Dani snorted, sparing him a fond smile as he finally settled on a station and leaned back against the headrest, soaking in the breeze. “Although, you’re on thin ice though for refusing to buy me a drink. And on my birthday, too.” He aimed a disappointed look at her and shook his head with a tisk.

She gave him a reproachful look. “You’re underage,” she said, “And your birthday is in February.”

Dani laughed as he grumbled beside her. But when he fell silent again, the hiss of the stereo and a distant rumble of thunder, the smell of rain in the air, he turned to her with an earnestly soft expression.

“Did I say thank you, yet?”

“About no less than a hundred times, I think,” Dani said with a quiet huff of laughter.

“I mean it this time,” he said, “Thank you for this. Really. I missed you guys.”

“We missed you too,” Dani murmured.

Instead of saying anything more, there was a look of hesitancy on his face, his eyes drifting down for a moment. “You know who else I miss?” Carson’s mouth curled into a plaintive grin, and without waiting for an answer, he murmured, “Jamie.”

Dani blinked in surprise, her eyes fixed on the red eyes of tail lights ahead in the darkened road, lightning flashing in darkened clouds in the distance as her knuckles went white against the steering wheel. Hearing that name again felt like the unexpected sound of shattering glass, like the first drops of rain against her skin. One she hasn’t heard spoken in a long time, forbidden and forgotten as though it were a curse. It had been years since Carson’s spoken of her, not since the following weeks after Jamie left. Quiet in his mourning like the rest of the family. Solemn whispers in corners and sidelong glances of concern and disquiet, gradually ebbing away until the jagged edges were smoothed with time until the memories were a faceless thing with no name. Swallowing thickly, she glanced briefly at him, at the fond wistfulness across his features as he stared through the windshield.

“Yeah?” she said in a gentle encouragement to continue.

Carson nodded and murmured, “Wish she was here. She would have loved the show.”

A dim ache spread across Dani’s chest, a fond smile pulling at her mouth. “Yeah,” Dani breathed, “She would’ve.”

Lightning flashed again, sparks of blue hanging low in the sky in the far distance, thunder following shortly in a slow roll. And all too easily, all too abruptly, Dani could hear Jamie’s voice in her head. ‘Looks like a big one, Poppins.’ Could picture her crooked grin and mischievous eyes, eager for another wild storm chase with Dani right at her heels. But they were in Dani’s car this time, and just the thought alone — of Jamie being here next to her, egging her on for another chase, teasing her for being the driver for once — left her feeling strained and bone weary with longing affection.

She found her foot gradually pushing down on the accelerator, urging her car faster down the highway in an effort to vanish the memories and to leave the storm behind them, thunder and lightning growing distant in the rear view mirror.

—

It was the end of the semester, and Dani had offered Eddie a ride back to North Liberty. A carpool to save them gas. It felt strange having him in the passenger seat. Normally he would insist on driving. Other cars Dani did not drive. Someone else would step towards the driver’s side, and she would shrink away towards the passenger seat. But nobody drove Dani’s car except her. Always.

Outside the sky had begun to darken, and the fields were a vast, flat silhouette beneath a deepening grey sky. Dani flicked on the headlights to illuminate the road. Beside her Eddie seemed content being in control of the radio station, fiddling with the dials until he arrived at some jazz or folk station that he preferred. The conversation was calm and easy. The two of them drifted from topic to topic, unafraid of the silences in between. Unlike his brothers, Eddie could sit in the silence of his own thoughts with another person for hours.

It was, Dani thought, one of the things she liked about him best. Being alone, together.

“Have you heard anything from the twins lately?” Dani asked.

Eddie tapped along to a soft jazzy beat in the background, his fingers gently keeping time against his knee. “Not much,” he said. “David’s still at that accounting job, and Tommy’s wedding is all scheduled for April.”

“Where’s that happening?”

“Cedar Rapids, I think.” Eddie turned his head towards her. “Will you come as my plus one?”

Smiling, Dani kept her eyes on the road. “Of course. What? Did you think I wasn’t going to go? Judy would drag me up there herself.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

“I’m going to need to buy a new dress, though.”

“Why? Your mom isn’t coming, is she?”

“Well, I don’t know. Tommy’s in charge of the wedding invitations.”

“And you think he’s going to send one to your mom?” Eddie asked, incredulous.

Dani shifted her grip upon the steering wheel. “You try telling her she can’t come.”

He made a face. “No, thanks.”

“Coward,” she said, shooting him a grin.

“And proud of it. Your mom is a lot.”

“You don’t have to tell me that.”

Silence again. The white noise of the tires across worn out asphalt beneath the faint strains of twelve-bar blues. Dani concentrated on the straight of road, while Eddie contemplated the stars dotting the horizon through the window.

They did not speak again until Dani pulled up to their childhood street and killed the engine in front of her mom’s house. By that time, night had washed over the earth. A few houses on the street burned through their windows with interior lights, bleeding warmth and attracting moths.

“Thanks for the ride,” Eddie said into the quiet darkness of the car.

Dani smiled over at him. “Yeah. No problem.”

“You should come over for lunch tomorrow. Mom would love to see you.”

“I’ll be there at eleven,” Dani said.

“Great.”

Through the dim light, she could see him smile. He leaned over the center console and kissed her. His mouth was warm and soft, and he cradled her jaw in his palm. When she closed her eyes she could almost imagine she felt something. Could almost convince herself. The kiss was chaste yet lingering, and when he pulled away he stroked his thumb over the bluff of her cheek.

“Wish mom would let you stay over,” he murmured.

“Like old times?” Dani joked.

“Yeah.”

He leaned forward again. A brief kiss. And then he was gone. Opening the door and hauling himself out, striding across the street. Dani watched him all the way, as he fumbled with his keys at the front door, until finally he had entered his house and vanished from sight.

Her hand was still squeezing the steering wheel in a death grip. With a slow exhale, Dani let go and stepped out onto the street. Unlike the O’Mara house, her mom’s house was dark. When she unlocked the front door and pushed it open, she was greeted with darkness. The smell of cigarettes was familiar and overpowering. Not even a college campus full of hormonal twenty-somethings could compete.

For a moment she lingered, hand at the doorknob, teetering on the liminal space between outside and inside, between sacred and profane. The house itself was a yawning open space. A muzzle. Something with teeth that needed to be chained off from loss of limb. Snatching her hand away, Dani stepped forward and shut herself inside.

Creak of the floorboards beneath her feet. After so many years, this house managed to surprise her still. New groans, new sensitive spots on the floor to catalogue and avoid. Her eyes flicked towards the ceiling, but she heard nothing from above. Her mother must be dead asleep or otherwise out and about for the evening. Dani did not know. Nor did she particularly want to know.

Slowly, carefully, she crept upstairs. Flicking on the light in her room felt like an intrusion in and of itself. As though she had set something alight, touched a torch to the pyre and a roar of kindling. Shutting the door behind her, Dani changed into pajamas as quickly as she could and slipped beneath the sheets of her bed, book in hand. At first she did not open it, ears pricked, listening for clues, but the house was — as ever — usually silent.

She had only just cracked the book open to the marked page when her bedside table crackled with a faint voice. Frowning, Dani reached over, opened the top drawer, and found an old walkie talkie there. The radio was scuffed from use, wire mesh scraped and worn and half buried beneath miscellany. She picked it up and leaned back against the pillows, holding her breath for whoever was on the other end to make a noise again.

It was an irrational thought. A memory. A daydream. A secret. A wish. She clutched the radio to her chest in breathless anticipation, expecting —

“Danielle?”

The speaker crackled with disuse, louder than she had been expecting. Dani almost dropped it into her lap, had to fumble to keep it in one hand. Swallowing thickly, she lifted it and pressed down on the button.

“Eddie? Is that you?”

“Hey,” he said. “You’re still awake.”

“Yeah.”

“Your mom around?”

“No. But I don’t know when she’ll be back.”

Silence. It went on for so long that Dani pressed the button down again and prompted, “Eddie?”

“I’m here,” he said.

Her shoulders relaxed. She could almost imagine him sprawled out on the bed beside her, his large frame cramped in such a small space. She wished he were here, now. She wished he were warm and solid beneath her hand. She wished she could touch him. She wished she wasn’t alone. She wished -

“Will you marry me?” he asked.

It wasn’t the first time he’d asked. It wasn’t even the second. It was however the first time Dani hesitated. Swallowing thickly, Dani found herself gazing at her bedside table again, at the photo of Jamie and herself propped there, at that broad blazing smile.

Dani squeezed her eyes shut. Her hand was squeezing the life from the walkie talkie, and she had to force her fingers to unclench. She pressed her thumb against the button and murmured, “Good night, Eddie.”

—

‘Dear Jamie,

Come home.’

#thobm #the haunting of bly manor #dani clayton/jamie #bring home a haunting #bhah #damie #roman writes

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holidaywishes · 3 years

Text

Ravage Me

Requested: 👍

Summary/Request: Ahh you’re the best! So basically I was thinking a super angsty fic where the reader is friends with Auston, like around his age, has tattoos, dresses on the edgier side, and Freddie has a massive crush on her but doesn’t think he can compete with Auston because he’s not as interesting?? I adore you 💕

Warning: angst as requested, little bit of fluff, language (but that’s par for the course -- I have a tiny bit of a sailor’s mouth), maybe a hint of smut near the end?

Author’s Note: I love this request so much. It’s not super angsty but I hope it’s angsty enough for ya! I’m sorry that I’m just getting to it now, I had planned on doing it last week but just couldn’t, anyway, I’m writing it now and I think I like the way it came out. I tried to make this character the cool alter ego I wish I had -- instead my alter ego is a Southern Belle named Daisy. I had fun writing this and I hope you enjoy it! Stay Golden, loves! <3

masterlist

the other masterlist

Freddie’s P.O.V

The first time you met her, you were a bit taken aback by her boldness. For only being 23, she was incredibly sure of herself and she was one of the only people you knew that knew who they were; it didn’t take long for you to fall for her.

“So, Fred!” Auston yelled over the loud music in the bar as (Y/N) hung off his shoulder, “what do you want to drink?” You looked between the two of them and scoffed before heading to the bar yourself to get a beer, “or you know.. do that.”

“Can I get anything for either of you?” you asked, looking back to your friend and the girl you were falling for

“I’ll grab a beer” Auston laughed as (Y/N) walked toward you

“Get him the worst beer they have,” she joked, “I’ll just have a tequila soda.” You smiled at her response, ordering the drinks and following behind the two as they found a table to sit at. (Y/N) and Auston sat across from you, laughing about something that you weren’t in on and you just sat there drinking your beer trying not to look too awkward. When she got up, you found your eyes wandering across her body, finding new tattoos hidden beneath her ripped and tattered clothing.

“Dude,” Auston said, bringing your attention back to him, “stop staring!”

“Sorry,” you replied, shaking your head, “how many tattoos does she have?”

“She’s going on like 11 or 12?” he smiled, “I keep telling her she should just get a sleeve but she likes having them in ‘secret spots’ she says”

“I wouldn’t exactly call her wrist or her neck a ‘secret spot’” you smirked

“That’s only two, Fred,” he chirped, “think about where the other places could be...” Before you could respond, (Y/N) sat down and, as if it were planned, Auston stood up, leaving you alone with his friend. She shifted in her seat, her long hair cascading over her shoulder, forcing your eyes to wander to examine her outfit; her faded plaid shirt had small tears in it lending the perfect peekaboo for the black lace underneath while her shorts only covered half of her thigh, exposing a sun and moon tattoo. You realized neither of you had spoken when she changed seats to sit in front of you before taking off her unbuttoned plaid shirt and tying it around her waist

“So Fred...” she started, forcing you to look up at her and smile awkwardly, “why are you friends with Auston?”

“What do you mean?” you scoffed

“I don’t know,” she chuckled, “you guys are just so... I think it’s the age difference for me”

“Because he’s younger?”

“Yeah” she laughed

“He’s a good kid, he needs a little guidance,” you joked, “and I guess I need to get out of my comfort zone a little”

“Oh yeah?” she smiled and you felt your face flood with heat, “how exactly has he helped you do that?”

“You two talkin’ about me?” Auston asked as he sat back down, his hand creeping around (Y/N)’s waist, pulling her close to him

“Don’t be so vain” she joked

“We were just talking about (Y/N)’s tattoos” you countered

“Is that right?” Auston smirked

“Yeah...” you hesitated, trying to figure out what to say

“Yeah, he was just asking me about the sun and moon on my thigh,” she replied, “what it meant...” You were surprised that she was going along with your fib but you weren’t complaining

“She was just about to tell me when you interrupted us”

“Well then... don’t let me stop you” he said, taking a sip of the beer he’d left on the table and gesturing to (Y/N)

“It’s for me and my brother. My parents used to always say we were like night and day but that we complimented each other,” she answered, “he was this bright ball of energy that seemed to light up every room and I was... a little on the darker side. He was really important to me, so, when he passed away last year, I wanted to have something to remind me of him...”

“I’m so sorry,” you sighed, “I didn’t mean to ma--”

“Don’t be sorry,” she smiled, “it’s okay. I’m okay. It’s good for me to talk about him.”

“Why don’t you tell him about this tattoo on your spine” Auston interjected, tracing his finger down her back

“and miles to go before I sleep...” she said softly, “it’s from a Robert Frost poem. I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite poem but this line, the last line, always kind of stuck with me. Like, there’s so much life to live before we all ‘sleep.’“ She smiled as she air quoted the word sleep

“What about this one on your arm?” you asked as you pointed to the back of her bicep, near her elbow

“It’s a lotus flower,” she smirked, “it was my first one actually. I thought I was being so original but then I saw literally everyone getting a lotus flower tattoo and suddenly, I just felt... Do you have any tattoos Freddie?” she suddenly asked

“Me?” you questioned, “no, none”

“Yeah, tattoos aren’t really Big Red’s thing”

“I’m sure they could be..” (Y/N) said, “if he tried. We should take him to get one, just a small one. Like.. a piece of LEGO or something.” You chuckled at her suggestion, preparing yourself to say something, “I can always use another tattoo...”

“I don’t know..” you faltered

“I can hold your hand if you’re scared” she teased

“Oh yeah, definitely. We’ll both hold your hand” Auston added before rolling his eyes and you scoffed

“I’ll think about it” you joked just as (Y/N) stood up

“I love this song,” she yelled, “let’s go dance!” You and Auston looked at each other before she eventually dragged you both out to the dance floor with her, standing in between the two of you as the music compelled her hips to sway. As Auston wrapped his hands around her waist, (Y/N) brought her hands up to your shoulders to pull you close to her; you felt your breath stop in your chest as her eyes met yours and the music continued to pump through your body. Before long, you noticed Auston move his lips closer to (Y/N)’s neck and you couldn’t handle it anymore

“I.. I have to go...” you stammered before taking off

“Freddie!” (Y/N) called out

“FRED!” Auston shouted but you just continued walking, tearing your coat off the back of the chair where you sat until Auston finally met up with you, “What’s going on?” he asked

“I can’t... this isn’t what..” you growled as you tried to find the words to say that you didn’t want to watch the two of them make out with each other all night, “I need to go”

“Why?” he asked again

“Because of you, that’s why!” you finally blurted out, forcing your way through the crowd to dart out of the bar

“What are you talking about? What did I do?!” he exclaimed, forcing a scoff from you

“You know that I...” you tried, unconsciously gesturing to the girl inside, “and you are just...”

“Freddie, nothing is happening. We were dancing,” he sighed, “I was trying to be your wing man!”

“That was you trying to be a wing man?” you huffed

“I don’t get what your problem is. You could’ve made a move, you didn’t. She’s not going to wait around all night for you to inch closer to her”

“So what?!” you yelled, “you decided you would? Because you’ve had her before and you wanted her again?”

“What?” he sneered and you noticed (Y/N) rush out of the door, finding the two of you fighting on the sidewalk and as much as you didn’t want to say it, you needed to, at the very least, see Auston’s reaction

“How would you know where all her ‘secret spots’ are? Where all her tattoos are if you haven’t been with her already?” His look told you everything you needed to but when you looked back at (Y/N), you felt a little ashamed of yourself for acting the way you were

“Freddie...” Auston said quietly

“It’s... whatever,” you sighed, “I’ll talk to you later.” You called for a cab but before you could close the door, she snuck in.

The look on Freddie’s face nearly broke your heart but you weren’t sure why he was so upset. He had spent time with you before, you knew him, you liked each other but he had never really had a conversation with you. You couldn’t deny that when you saw him that night, you kept imagining his hands on you, but this... was not what you were expecting to come from the night.

“SO WHAT?!” Freddie yelled at Auston outside of the bar and you furrowed your brow at the interaction, “you decided you would? Because you’ve had her before and you wanted her again?”

“What?” Auston replied and you took one step forward to hear Freddie’s response, expecting it to be a whisper

“How would you know where all her ‘secret spots’ are?” Freddie asked and you blushed at the implication, “where all her tattoos are if you haven’t been with her already?” You caught Freddie’s stare for a second before your gaze dropped to the concrete, hearing Auston try to ease the tension but Freddie wasn’t having it. When you heard the cab pull up, you knew you had to jump in so that at least one of you could help the situation, “(Y/N).. what are you doing?” he asked and you sat beside him in silence while the driver waited for an address

“I don’t know what happened...” you started quietly, “but I didn’t want you to storm off upset”

“I’m fine” he snapped

“Clearly, you’re not” you replied

“I’m fine” he repeated

“You’re upset...” you sighed, “I don’t want you to be upset”

“Why does it matter?” he asked

“What?” you replied as the car came to a stop and you quickly followed Freddie out of the cab to his door

“Why does it matter if I’m upset or not?” he asked again as he called the elevator and the two of you waited

“Because,” you returned, turning your body toward him, “despite what you might think, I care about you.” Just then, the telltale ding of the elevator rang and you two stepped in. You waited for him to say something but when he didn’t, you bit your lip and thought about what he said to Auston back at the bar, ‘if you haven’t been with her before?’ There was almost disdain on the words, causing your forehead to crease as you thought about them, “do you really think so little of me?”

“What?” he replied, turning his head to you and furrowing his brow

“That I would just sleep with Auston?” you questioned

“He just... kept talking about your tattoos..” he stammered

“Sure,” you countered, “he was with me when I got most of them.”

“Well...” he hesitated again, “you two were hanging all over each other...”

“We were dancing,” you argued, “all of us!”

“So you’ve never slept with him?” he asked

“No” you answered as the elevator door opened. You followed Freddie to his door, still not sure what he was feeling

“You can go home. I’m fine”

“I don’t get why you’re so upset over this?”

“It doesn’t matter”

“It does. I wanna know!” you shouted

“He clearly wants to fuck you” he bit

“Fuck you!” you snapped back

“AM I WRONG?”

“YES!”

“OH COME ON”

“YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER!” he shouted before you noticed that the two of you had become so close that your chests rose and fell in sync

“Why do you care so much?” you said quietly, “if it doesn’t matter what are you so... bent out of shape?” His eyes moved slowly across your face before landing on your mouth, leading your eyes to do the same

“I’m... not like him” he whispered

“What do you mean?“ you replied

“I like you, (Y/N),” he admitted, gently placing his hands on your hips, “but I’m not like Auston...”

“What? American?” you scoffed, “a bit of a narcissist? An overly competitive self-assured mama’s boy? Good.”

“No... I’m not 23, I don’t have tattoos, I d--”

“Good.” You repeated simply, “Why would you want to be him?”

“Because he’s a better fit for you” he sighed, walking to his couch and slumping down, dropping his head to his hands and you were left standing in the middle of the room, flustered and confused.

“I’ve known Auston for... so much of my life,” you replied, “you think he’s a better fit for me because we’re the same age and we both have tattoos? I don’t want someone who’s a different version of me...”

“Even if it makes sense?” he grumbled, earning a head shake from you before your feet decided to move toward him until you were standing in front of him, waiting for him to look up at you from where he sat, “what are you doing?” he asked, his elbows resting on his knees as a smirk crept across your lips.

“Not everything needs to make sense...” you replied, “not if it feels right.”

“What do you mean?” he stammered, seeming almost afraid of you all of a sudden

“I’ve seen you looking at me,” you smiled, moving his arms down so you could straddle his lap, “staring at my tattoos, my hair, my clothes...”

“I..I--”

“I don’t mind,” you interrupted, moving your hands around his shoulders, “I like when you look at me.”

“You do?” he countered and you nodded, beginning to move your hands down his body before moving your lips close to his

“I know that I have to look my best when you’re around...” you whispered, lips caressing his without touching them, “I want to look good for you”

“You always look good,” he hummed as his hands found your waist and his eyes trained themselves on your chest. “God I want you...” he growled, digging his nails into your skin before looking up at you, only to find you smiling down at him

“So take me...” you breathed, pushing your chest against his as your fingers hooked onto the loose fabric of his shirt when he stopped you, pushing you off so he could stand up, “Freddie, what the hell?!” You whined

“You only want me because you can’t have him!”

“Are you fucking kidding me with this?!” You shouted, marching to where the tall, Danish goaltender stood, “if I wanted him, I’d have him. If I wanted to be with him, I wouldn’t be here with you. But I don’t, I’m not. When I know what I want, I’m pretty damn good at getting it. I want you, Freddie. And I know you want me too.” You let your angry breaths fill the space as Freddie stared at you hesitantly; if he wasn’t going to do anything, you weren’t going to waste your time. You turned and began walking to the door, intent on storming out and never speaking to Freddie again, when he grabbed your arm, stopping you from leaving. He waited until you looked at him, so you could see the intensity of his stare, before he pulled you into him, fumbling into a nearby wall, kissing your lips harshly before he moved down to your neck and further to your chest. Standing back up to kiss you softly before removing your shirt, letting his hands glide back to your bare skin once the fabric had disappeared

“Are you sure?” He asked, leaning his forehead against yours as your arms circled his neck

“I’m yours, baby.” You smirked, kissing him quickly before jumping up and wrapping your legs around his hips, “take me, kiss me, ravage me...” you giggled at your own words and Freddie smiled in response, quickly carrying you over to the couch, only so he could set you down and tear of the remainder of your clothes. As he picked you up once more and his lips discovered new spots on your neck that garnered sounds you’d never heard yourself make, you dug your nails into his back, scratching a trail down his sides.

“You’re not as intimidating as I thought you were” he chirped, throwing you onto his king sized bed and you were forced to smile before shrugging in response

“And you’re not as safe as you seem.” You returned before biting your fingertip, waiting for him to remove his clothes

“Let me show you what I can do...” You raised your eyebrows at his words, knowing that you were in for a long, glorious night.

#Freddie Andersen #Frederik Andersen #Frederik Andersen fic #Frederik Andersen imagine #Freddie Andersen fic #Freddie Andersen imagine #masterlist #the other masterlist #nhl #hockey #tml

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jaskierswolf · 3 years

Note

Hello, dearest Wolfie! 💜 Can we get a lil something involving Small Hands by Keaton Henson? 🥺👉🏼👈🏼 (geraskier-trashh)

Here we go!! It’s... it’s sad? (but if you know the song then that will be expected)

Geraskier (sort of) - 749 words

CW: Emotional hurt no comfort... post-mountain feels. Much angst.

__________

Jaskier hands shook as he made his way along the steep and narrow path. There were tears blinking in his eyes but he wouldn’t cry over Geralt, not after everything that had been said. He was stronger than that, he had to be. The dull ache of unrequited love burned in his chest, stabbing his heart with every gasping breath. He gripped his lute strap tightly, knuckles going white with the ferocity of his grip. If he let go then he would lose the last thread of sanity he had left. He would crumble like the world around him. The sun beat down on him, hot, blistering and totally unfair.

He wished for rain.

It was more poetic with rain.

Perhaps the rain would hide his tears as they threatened to fall.

His throat ached as he choked back a sob. He’d had his heart broken before, but never like this. Losing your heart for a weekend to whichever lover warmed your bed was nothing compared to the searing agony of losing your closest friend for twenty years. He’d yearned for something more romantic, unrequited love was a bitch after all, but to lose Geralt like this…

He’d never even dreamed of this.

And after that fluttering of hope when he’d suggested that the pair could go to the coast together.

“Fuck!” He yelled at the sky before falling to his knees, sobs wracking through his body; pitiful and pathetic.

He missed him, fuck. It had barely been an hour and he missed him so very terribly. He missed what they had, what they could have been… all that wasted potential. He missed Geralt’s eyes, twinkling with silent mirth. He’d spent hours staring into those eyes whilst Geralt stumbled to find the right words to say. He laughed bitterly, he's spent just as much time avoiding the burning golden gaze when he’d fucked up, got injured or just spoken too harshly; the awkward silence weighing heavy between them.

He missed the campfires under the stars. How many more could they have had together? How many had he ruined by going to bed early, or complaining about the cold; teeth chattering as he huddled closer to Geralt for warmth. He scraped at the ground with his finger nails, begging for someone to take this pain away from him. He could use it, weaponise it… but…

He couldn’t.

Not against Geralt.

He’d spent so much of his life trying to improve Geralt’s lonely existence. He wouldn’t undo that.

He gasped a breath as his tear pooled on the dirt beneath him.

He missed the long days walking beside Geralt. He wasn’t getting any younger but he had so much more to give. He gritted his teeth. Geralt had never been so fond of those days. Jaskier was too loud; playing his lute until his fingers began to bleed and his throat felt dry. No wonder Geralt wanted to get rid of him.

“Fuck…” he whispered, wrapping his arms around his chest. He had to keep moving, he had to… he had to get out of here. Numbly, he got to his feet. Each step was heavy but he kept going, trying desperately to not think of every lost day.

All because he couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut.

“Please, forget me,” he whispered to the absent witcher “you were right dear. I am cold, and self-involved…”

He’d been too distracted by his music, his mission to change the public’s tune about Geralt. He been so obsessed with his ballads and poems that he’d never stopped to consider that his attention had been unwanted, he thought of nothing except his own art.

One more song.

He’d write one more song, about Geralt and about Yennefer…

And about him.

“I’ll write my loneliness, if I can just think how to start.”

He thought about the unfinished song in his notebook, it was shit but… if he could draw on this feeling. He could make something spectacular and something that wouldn’t ruin Geralt.

No.

It would only ruin his heart. He sniffed, wiping his eyes as he glanced back up at the mountaintop. He wondered if Geralt was still there, gazing solemnly out at the horizon.

“I hope, for your life,” he breathed, desperately trying to ignore they choking burn in his throat, the way his chest felt like it was collapsing beneath his fingers, “that you can forget about mine. I’ll grant your wish Geralt. I would do anything for you, darling.”

_______

Tag list: @alwenarin @slythnerd @davidtennan-t @flippinfricks @innocentcinnamonpun @marvagon @elliestormfound @geraskier-trashh @panerato @moonysourenza @artistsfuneral @hailhailsatan @wherethewordsare @havenoffandoms @bitchy-witchy-post-mortem @geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde @geralt-of-riviass @frances-the-red @kittynannygaming @stinastar @scribblesonmapleleaves @thecomfortofoldstorries @fontegagrilledcheese @anythinggoesfandoms @veritasrose @trickstermoose67 @nonegenderleftpain @ohheytheremiss @kueble @love-more-today-than-yesterday @kozkaboi @llamasdumpsterfire @skai6 @actionnerdgamerlove @honeysuckletook

#the witcher #song fic #geraskier #julian alfred pankratz #jaskier pankratz #geraskier fanfiction #wolfie's witcher writing #suddenly-a-twilight-blog

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thoughts-on-bangtan · 3 years

Text

a poem for small things

by Admin 1 & 2

The time has come, the first proper post for this segment we’ve settled on calling a poem for small things, a nod toward BWL and its Korean title. Like we said in our call for submission post, this is supposed to be something like a place full of positivity for vminnies (and perhaps the occasional namjinist) where you (and us) can share whatever we’d like in connection to vmin, both as vmin and as Jimin and Tae the individuals, and have something to raise our mood and also strengthen our vminnie confidence. We’ve gotten several wonderful submissions and quickly realized that for this first post the theme is mostly how I became a vminnie, even if three submissions talk more about vmin moments they enjoy instead.

I think it’s a really interesting theme, especially since everyone’s story is different, and everyone seems to find something else about vmin that captured their attention and hearts so sharing these memories and experiences is a great way to start off this segment. We’ve said it many times before, though I don’t think you can say it enough times, but this bond that Jimin and Tae share is truly special and so one of a kind, it’s wonderful to see how we all relate to and resonate with it in our own way and find something in it that makes us fall in love with their loves, regardless if we see it as platonic or romantic love. Love is love after all. 95z is love.

For the order of these submissions, we’ll simply go in the order in which we’ve received them. Most of them came from anons, which is more than okay. We’ve also opened the possibility of submitting posts for those who would like to submit wordier posts/asks, should we do another edition of this. It all depends on how much you’ll enjoy it and if you’ll come through with more submissions that could be gathered for future posts.

Anyway, enough talking from our side, let’s dive into these submissions below the cut, shall we? Like we said in the original post (and demonstrated in the preview post), we’ll add some of our commentary and observations along the way, too.

From anon: This is going to be long winded story but Vmin is like a Serendipity to me. I've heard of BTS mainly from my hubby when he complains that times sq is packed because of BTS (when they’re in town and doing their rounds of morning shows). I knew they were very popular but it was a great surprise that i discovered them after watching ILand during lockdown. Their songs were great and i started playing their classics like Fire, DNA Fake Love etc. Then they did an appearance in the show...

I love how you heard about BTS because of your husband and Time Square being packed, this is honestly the most original and unique version of how I’ve come across BTS I’ve read over the years. Amazing!

I was drawn to Taehyung's beauty during their appearance in Iland. And my first Vmin ? moment was when Tae commented about being handsome and attractive are 2 things and being attractive weighs more - along those lines... then JM made a comment that its unfair that he's both and Tae was like Im talking about you... I went like ok he thinks JM is attractive- theyre good friends.... then Jimin did the FakeLove choreo and the camera focused on Tae and he had this wide smile...The Iland Tae/Jimin clips made me do a double take but I dismissed it since it was just only a few seconds worth of screen time but still...

I-Land vmin was really something else in both episodes.

Fun fact: I-Land was the first Korean survival show I’ve ever watched, mostly because it had something to do with BH and since it was streamed online with subs in real time. Unfortunately, my faves—Daniel and Taki—didn’t make it into ENHYPEN, though I’m happy that Taki will be in a future Japanese BH group.

But, going back to vmin, that moment with Jimin dancing FAKE LOVE and Tae looking at him with that boxy smile as though Jimin hung the stars in the sky? I melted, even if it was just one of those brief moments, yet still it’s so cute! And it was all over sns being shared by vminnies and non-vminnies alike. What a great time that was.

Then VMAs Dynamite perf happened- both Vmin looking good. I saw a lot of their promos especially the Jimmy Fallon interviews... and I noticed in hindsight how JF was so careful when referring to Jimin ... Since Tae was my first bias, I searched YT for Tae related content eventually saw in my YT feed Vmin moments. Theres a lot of Vmin content in YT or maybe the T*ek*ok ones didnt really register as extraordinary to me. But defo the Vmin moments were extraordinary to me,,,the BV4 sleeping together, kitchen role play & BV3 JM excited to see Tae and them holding hands and then Tae crying and then Tae's busking with Jimin cheering him on were all amazing to see. Up to this day this specific YT vid stood out to me first

I actually went to check what video this is, and also looked at the comments where my favorite was this one: The staff member went straight to Jimin to tell him V was crying. That's all you need to know. They’re not wrong with that one, are they? That is pretty telling. BV3 vmin were a work of wonder, truly. Jimin watching Tae sing that Sam Smith song during the dinner in the sky looking all soft and endlessly fond?

Jimin encouraging Tae to busk and gently petting his hair was just such a pure moment and showed how much Jimin appreciates Tae and the talent he has, how in moments when Tae might brush aside wanting to do something, is a little hesitant and unsure, Jimin will stand up for him and give him strength/encouragement, which reminds me of Tae’s vlive in April 2020 and the fact that Jimin had told him that he wants to be his source of strength. Beautiful. And it shows that it wasn’t just pretty yet empty words, but something he truly meant. They both do.

Then i came across vid trans of Friends & cried first time hearing it especially when it got to the part "One day when the cheer dies down, stay hey.." It felt raw and honest to me. Then there's MOT:E concert and that part in Dynamite where they bumped their heads seemed bizaare to me - i was like were they fighting? because JM looked really fierce(or maybe emotional) then i saw the close up. i couldnt remember the exact moment I became a Vminie but it made quarantine easier...

This, I’ve noticed, seems to be a recurring theme among quarantine ARMY and vminnies, the fact that becoming ARMY and vminnies made it easier, and it fits with what we’ve been saying about BTS for years: they will find you when you’ll need them most. And in these trying and uncertain times, it’s certainly proven true once again.

Thank you of much for your submission and sharing your story with us, and I’m glad they could make quarantine a little easier for you.

From anon: I've been following BTS on and off since BST, but only really consider myself a true fan late 2019. I can't recall having a bias at first, but I was captivated by Jimin's everything when I binge-watched all their content. I must admit, my first OTP is T*e/k*ok, where I fell down the route of considering Jimin 'an interfering 3rd party' in their relationship, and it shamed me. Since then I've been cycling through Jimin ships, namely yo*n/m*n, j*n/m*n, m*ni/m*ni, and I even thought that j*/k*ok was real at some point. Strangely, Vmin never struck me as something extraordinary. I don't want to blame anyone, but Vmin caught my eye after I watched official BTS content without filter (presumed bias/judgement) all in their glory. I realized that while other ships may go up-and-down as in one day there's a frenzy and another day quiet af, Vmin has been and is still going constant. That's what makes me love Vmin, and for the first time in my fandom life, I have no qualms about whether they are real or not. Their bond, whatever it is, is already precious and something to be cherished forever. Thank you for providing us vminies a special corner to speak up about our experience 💜

You’re very welcome! I hope you’ll like how this turned out as well. Thank you for sharing your story with us and personally I find it fascinating how, despite Jimin being the one who captivated you most at first, you still fell into the “he’s an interference for my ship” trap that’s quite popular with that particular ship. I’m glad though that that never ruined your love for Jimin. It’s also really interesting for me how you went through different Jimin ships yet it took you the longest time to notice vmin. I feel like, because vmin and vminnies are more “low key” than the other bigger and louder ships, as well as Tae and Jimin simply being quieter in their interactions (not always but you get the point) as compared to, for example, Jimin’s interactions with Hobi, Jungkook, or even Namjoon, it takes people a while to really notice them.

This is my favorite part of what you wrote, and I think it’s a great way to describe vmin in general and what makes them different from other ships in the grand scheme of things: I realized that while other ships may go up-and-down as in one day there's a frenzy and another day quiet af, Vmin has been and is still going constant.

From vminot7: So i fell into BTS hole after watching blood sweat and tears mv casually on youtube. Jimin immediately stole my attention with his unique voice, graceful moves and handsome features even though i didn’t know their names at that time. I watched more MVs and jimin continued to hold my attention but i was also extremely drawn to taehyung's voice and facial expressions. So i started looking for more content such as RUN BTS and other compilations and realized my love for all 7 of them. I also noticed how jimin always had a soft spot for taehyung and was curious about their dynamics. I started looking at more of vmin content and i was really surprised to see how in the early days they were nowhere near as soft with each other as they are now. I think they have a unique bond and i have never come across anything quite similar. Now vmin are both my biases and my bias wrecker is hoseok.

I admire jimin for being a hardworking, passionate perfectionist but also a caring soul who is always ready to offer love and comfort to people in need. I love taehyung for how he looks at the world in his unique ways and how he has a childlike awe for things and how he is so passionate over the things he loves. The thing i love about vmin together is how they are so different yet work so hard on their relationship when it would be easier to just not try that hard.

Ah, another mention of the queen that is Blood, Sweat and Tears. The MV truly is such a masterpiece so I’m not surprised that it caught your attention, and especially Jimin since he was…something else in that MV, or like Tae said, his eyes were temptation (this boy, I swear). Since you mentioned how in the first years they were nowhere near as soft with each other as they are now, I think watching their dynamic and relationship change and evolve over time showcases the one thing I think a lot of people (as well as movies and TV shows) forget or gloss over, despite it being so incredibly important: in order to make a relationship of any kind work, especially in order for it to grow as deep and strong as the one between all members and especially vmin, you need to put in the emotional work to make that happen. You have to make an effort, have to learn to understand the other person and teach them to understand you as well, learn to appreciate and love their little quirks and how to accept others. And it’s so clear that that’s what vmin did, continue to do, and it more than paid off in the long run. I’m glad you highlighted that in general but also as something you love about them.

While the overall bond between the members is a class of its own, I think especially what vmin have achieved is a whole masterclass in relationships and fostering strong ones, in and of itself. There is a lot I think we can learn from them and I’m so happy that people recognize how special they are.

Thank you so much for your submission!

From anon: There’s this small moments in Dear Class of 2020 that i just adore! I’ve watched it at least 20 times this past month

It starts with “Spring Day”- tae and jimin laugh and look at each other and it’s just so sweet!

Also, maybe it’s my delusional mind but after tae’s and jin’s small and adorable moment- it seemed that jimin did the same with junkook right after maybe out of i duuno if jealousy but like “pay attention to me too” kinda way- dont know really and maybe it’s me being extra🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree partially, in that Jimin watched Tae’s and Seokjin’s adorable moment, obviously must’ve thought of it as cute just like we did, and thought he could do the same with JK. I don’t think it had anything to do with jealousy, especially if we work off of the idea that vmin are a thing, but also because it’s a performance and these things primarily serve the purpose of being cute and entertaining use, in other words, it’s fanservice (which isn’t the evil word some portray it as). Also, within that same performance, Tae and Jimin actually sang some of the lyrics toward each other, therefore they, too, had a cute moment they shared with big smiles and everything, just like you mentioned.

But we’ve gotten to see much more of Tae’s friendship with Seokjin in 2020, and especially the second half, so it was really sweet to see them interact during that song. Their friendship and dynamic is really a beautiful one, just like JKs bond with Seokjin, which I feel we’ve also gotten to see more of in recent months. Part of me (and that part can very well be wrong) feels that perhaps once the members caught on to Seokjin feeling the way he said he did/does, they decided to give him an extra dose of love and affection, off camera but also on where we can see it. That isn’t to say that they didn’t show him any of that before, but maybe they increased the intensity a little, a reminder that Seokjin truly is loved, that he deserves all of this, that it’s just his imposter syndrome (or at least what sounds like it) lying to him.

I’m still so touched and moved by the fact that he trusted us enough to share his feelings with us, to gift us Abyss and how it came to be, and that Bang PD was on his side and coaxed him into pouring his feelings into music, even if it would be “bad”, that the fear of it potentially being “bad” shouldn’t hold him back (and Namjoon helping in even if just a tiny bit with the lyrics). It was one of those times where I feel like we were all reminded that regardless of our opinions of BH and their doings, the members are surrounded by kind people who have their best interest in mind. After all what’s good for Bangtan is also good for the company, a win-win for everyone.

…wow, okay, I kind of went off on a tangent, I’m sorry…

Either way , then we have “Mikrokosmos” where we have a sweet moment at their part and towards the end where they switch mic and hear each other

I love this performance overall and especially “spring day”- jin’s and j-hope’s lovely voices and of course tae’s!! This song fits them so well and all the members of course

Well this is my rent , i love your blog and always wait for another post! Also i love the new idea and look forward to it!

Thank you so much for your submission and for bringing up their Dear Class 2020 performance. It was a truly magical one, and after reading this the first time, I did go and watch it again. To this day I’d still very much like to know how and when and why the mic switch between vmin happened, and I kind of hope that we might get a Bangtan B*mb or EPISODE about this eventually and it might shine some light on that question. Overall it was one of my favorite performances on 2020.

From Sky: While I enjoy cute, physical moments with VMIN, I really do value how emotionally attached they are to each other. For example (I don’t know if it fits as vmin moment but), I love how Jimin asked V to take the Promise cover photo, and how he ended up putting V’s name for credits on the cover. (Special Thanks to V, Best Photographer) This really shows a lot. Coz he can easily choose any Bighit photographer to take it. He could have chosen JK because we know how he takes good pics and vids too (and also apparently alot of people say that vmin had a falling out and that Jimin and JK were much more closer, lol). Or he could’ve asked Suga too bec he’s into cameras too. But he didn’t. He chose V, and chose to shout it out to the world how thankful he is for V’s help. RM co-wrote Promise, and maybe had offered more help in this project, but he didn’t put it in the cover. I’m not saying Jimin is ungrateful for not crediting RM in the cover. The difference is that he and RM had a vlive regarding the making of this song, a lot of people already know RM’s participation, he was officially credited as co-writer and Jimin really showed how thankful he is to RM. But no one knows of V’s participation (except for a snippet in that Run ep), so Jimin felt the need to tell it to everyone. I’m sure it’s not only the photos, I think he wanted to acknowledge how V helped him through the process, whether directly or indirectly. Also, remember this is Jimin’s first non-album solo single. By putting V’s name in it, he is sharing this very special song with his soulmate. How endearing it is! V also included Jimin in his first full English song. He used the two bears given by Jimin as Winter Bear’s cover photo and he included the photo Jimin took (sleeping V in the plane) in the MV. Like, seriously, they are trying to consciously imprint each other in their life’s milestones, openly or subtly. I’m crying. 😭

This was lovely, and yes, Jimin could’ve asked whoever to take those pictures, could’ve chosen any other ones, and yet he wanted Tae to be the one to take them, wanted those specific ones as covers. It’s very sweet and creates this subtle connection between Jimin, the song, and Tae. Sure, it isn’t the first time a picture Tae took is the cover for a SoundCloud song (the picture of JK on the 2U cover was also taken by Tae if I remember correctly), but it’s the fact that Promise is Jimin’s first non-BTS song, his first solo release, that makes it that much more special. Even more so when you think about how meaningful that song is to Jimin, and by having Tae as cover picture photographer, he’s in a way forever attached memory wise to that song as well, right?

The same also goes with Winter Bear and the two ceramic bears. Remember how excited Tae looked when I kinda spoiled that gift being a thing happening in an upcoming RUN episode during Jimin’s vlive during the summer 2019? Adorable. It’s also curious how though the title is singular—winter bear not winter bears—there’s two ceramic bears. One for Tae, one for Jimin? Maybe, or maybe I’m reading too much into it. Either way, it’s really cute, and it was a very thoughtful gift, even more when we think about just how much Jimin loves that song.

From anon: Love this idea it's super cute!! 1st thing that came to my mind is a rather simple moment, jimin bopping taehyung's nose and making a lil game out of it

Taehyung asking for more and that dazed smile 🥺 he had the same expression in that concert when jimin placed his face just above him, tae's smile afterward... it was so pure u could almost read "love" in his eyes lol

What a lovely note to end this post at, thank you for that. I don’t know what got into them during that photoshoot for Season’s Greetings 2020 but this was so disarmingly adorable. I remember when that moment appeared all over every sns and everyone just melted, myself included. Their smiles, the cute clothes, Tae’s head on Jimin’s chest, the softness and innocence of it, just all of it. It truly was so pure and like this sweet visualization of ‘love’.

And with that, we’ve reached the end. Did you like this? I had a great time reading your submissions and adding my little comments to them. If you’d like for us to continue this, same rules as last time, send in a submission marked with “VMC” and once we’ll have enough of them gathered, we’ll do this again, if you’re interested in more, that is. Send in whatever positive vmin you have, a thought, a moment, a memory, whatever you’d like.

Thank you once again to everyone who participated! :)

#vmin #jimin #taehyung #a poem for small things post series #bts #bangtan sonyeondan #so many sweet vmin things #you really came through with the cute submissions #dear class of 2020 #bts seasons greetings #BTS bon voyage 3

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svu-ncis-criminalminds · 4 years

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Wedding Day

For the Anon who requested : Hey! Can you do a story where it’s Nick and the readers wedding day? Like from both their POV?? Thanks 💕

“You look beautiful, stop worrying.” Rollins assured you, fixing your veil slightly as you waited on the other side of the doors of the wedding venue.

“I’m not worried. I just want everything to be perfect.” you replied, smoothing out your dress and taking a deep breath. You were only going to marry the love of your life once, it had to be perfect. “When do we go?” You asked. Olivia came to your side smiling reassuringly.

“Soon. First the wedding party has to walk down the aisle, then the flower girl, and last but not least, you.” You nodded. You knew what order everything happened in, you’d been there for the rehearsal dinner, but it felt reassuring to hear it again.

“Okay.” You nodded, taking another deep breath before smiling slightly, “Okay.” Liv patted your arm and from the other side of the big doors you heard music start to play. Olivia went first with Sonny’s best man, she waved at you before she went and you smiled in return. Rollins was next, then a few of your college friends. Finally it was your turn to go, right behind the flower girl, Zara. Music swelled as you entered the room all your friends and family sat in, all eyes were on you. But you were only looking at the man you were marrying. You took a deep breath and smiled properly for the first time that day; suddenly all the stress of the day was worth it. You were marrying the love of your life.

The song you picked together rang out clearly on the piano, accompanied by a violin and bass. Nick was right, it was a good choice. One of the first songs you had ever danced to with each other in his living room after one of your first official dates. Nick was watching you as you came towards him, your eyes locked.

-----

Nick saw you start down the aisle and he could have fainted. You looked more beautiful than the day he met you on your first day at the precinct. He remembered it like it was yesterday, how his breath had caught in his throat when he saw you. If he were a different man he may have called it love at first sight. But Nick knew love didn’t work like that, it had to be nurtured and grown. Together. And that’s what you had done as a couple, and what you would continue to do as husband and wife.

He felt tears prickle in his eyes as you made it to the altar, smiling up at him. He wanted to grab you and kiss you before the priest even got a word in edgewise. But he managed to control himself, he could kiss you plenty later. But he needed contact so he reached a hand out to you, taking yours in his and squeezing as the ceremony began.

You remained holding hands and Nick melted under the adoring gaze you were giving him. When it was Nick’s turn to say his vows he squeezed your hand again before letting go to take a piece of paper from his suit jacket.

“Mi Amor,” He started, looking at you. Suddenly everything he wrote down didn’t feel like it was enough for you. “I wish,” He started, lowering his paper, “I wish I had the words to express to you how much I love you, and how lucky I feel every single day being your man. But nothing comes close to describing how I feel. You have done more for me then you can ever know, being your man has made me a better man. You’ve taught me so much about myself and about love and I will spend the rest of our lives thanking you for it.” He paused again and smiled down at you, with your watery eyes. “Don’t cry, amor. You’ll ruin your makeup.” He teased lightly and you grinned wider, wiping away a stray tear. “And I’ve gone a little off book here but.. I wrote down a poem and I still want to read it to you.”

Nick took your hands again in one of his, and held the paper in his free hand, clearing his throat.

“ Love is enough: though the world be a-waning, And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining, Though the skies be too dark for dim eyes to discover The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder, Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder, And this day draw a veil over all deeds passed over, Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter: The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover. ” By the end you were properly crying, and Nick couldn’t see it because his eyes were only on you, but several other people in the audience shed their own tears at his words.

-----

You learned into the crook of Nick’s arm, cuddling up to him as you looked over the reception at the people you both loved; mingling and having fun. The wedding was beautiful. It was everything you had dreamed about as a little girl. The flowers were bright and fresh and the lighting was muted, bathing everything in a soft glow.

Zara came running up to the two of you, hopped up on cake and good times and climbed into her fathers lap.

“Daddy, Uncle Munch said we can go visit him in the summer!” She announced happily, grasping her dad’s face in her little hands as she grinned up at him. Nick tickled her side and she fell over, before scooting into your lap to get away from him.

“Did Uncle Munch say that?” He asked, rolling his eyes fondly.

“Then I guess it’s true,” You added, brushing some hair from Zara’s face as you held her in your lap. “Your daddy has plenty of vacation time, and I’m sure he would love that.” Nick put his arm back around the both of you and pulled you all in close.

“Great, now you’re conspiring together? I should have known.”

“We’ve been conspiracy-ing dad.” Zara informed him and you both laughed. She was quiet for a minute before looking at her dad, “Does this mean I have two mommies now?” That was the question you had been secretly dreading. Zara was old enough to understand that you were her dad’s new wife. You had been worrying yourself sick at the idea that she would resent you over it, over taking her dad away from her mom. But for now all seemed alright.

“That’s up to you, sweetie. You and y/n. She’s my wife, and your mom will always be your mommy. But y/n loves you very very much. Do you understand that?” He tried explaining, and you smiled at the two of them, feeling nervous energy in your stomach. What if she said she didn’t want you?” Zara tossed her arms around your neck and hugged you.

“I understand.” She assured.

“You don’t need to decide now sweetie, you can call me whatever you want.” You smiled, pressing your chin to the top of her head as she continued to hug you. It was getting late.

“Mommy is my mom.” She stated, and you felt yourself deflate a little bit.

“Of course,”

“So you can be my mama.” Nick was beaming at the two of you, before getting up quickly.

“Don’t move you two, I want the photographer to come get some shots before Zara finds the dessert table again. You watched him go, continuing to rock the girl in your arms. Your family. Your stepdaughter. With the amount of love you had in your heart for her, she might as well be your own flesh and blood.

-----

Nick got caught up talking to an old friend on his way to finding the photographer. He wanted pictures of the two of you, as many as he could get. He was beyond happy at how accepting Zara was being, and how kind and loving you were to her. You’d met plenty of times, you and Nick had been together years now. But things were different now.

He continued to try and listen to the man talking to him but he kept glancing over at the two of you, sitting there together. Cuddling, laughing, getting along perfectly. It was the happiest he had been since maybe Zara’s birth. Today was the first day of the rest of your lives together. And it was perfect.

#law and order #law and order svu #Law and Order: Special Victims Unit #svu x reader #svu x you #svu x y/n #Nick Amaro #nick amaro headcanon #nick amaro x reader #nick amaro image #nick amaro request #amaro #amaro x reader #nick amaro x you #nick amaro x y/n

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nomanwalksalone · 3 years

Photo

A JOY FOR EVER

by Alexander Freeling

Was John Keats a dandy? He certainly knew how to play the part. When poets sing of wine, women and song (and Keats liked all three) fine clothes and indolence are seldom far behind. As well as maidens’ gowns, he had an eye for male attire, noting in a letter his surprise one Saturday at seeing Wordsworth wearing a stiff collar to dinner.

Keats was never a rich man, and his appetites could outstrip his means. “As I say to my Taylor,” he quips to a friend, “send me Bills and I’ll never employ you more.” As well as securing his fame as a brief yet bright star, his inspired strategy of burning out from love and tuberculosis at twenty-five ensured he never did settle those debts.

Sometimes, Keats is just trying to entertain. Invited to yet another party, he half complains to his siblings: “Eh! I shall be obliged to shirk a good many there—I shall be the only Dandy.” But in more serious moments he also recognizes the pull of finery on his writing. “I have been hovering for some time between an exquisite sense of the luxurious and a love for Philosophy.” Between luxury and philosophy is a whole debate about poetic style: should it be sensuous and ravishing or austere and intellectual? Do we drink with Dionysus or ponder with Apollo?

Matthew Arnold, the Victorian poet and educator, had little patience with Keats. “Although undoubtedly there blows through it the breath of genius,” Arnold writes, his work is ultimately incoherent. “The object is made to flash upon the eye of the mind,” but it offers only a “sudden delight,” and no more. It’s all pleasure and no action. Arnold’s objection, James Najarian has argued, goes back to the question of dandyism. In his life and his style, Keats is too indulgent, too decorative for Arnold, and worse, he reminds Arnold of his own student excesses at Oxford.

Arnold’s anxiety might sound familiar to the modern menswear aficionado. Like a strict diet of red wine (as recommended by Keats’s poem “Hence burgundy, claret, and port”) all that cashmere and silk can prove too rich. Without adopting Arnold’s moralising tone (or his worry that too much enjoyment might be unmanly), it’s possible to see the life of the dandy as shallow. “Sudden delight,” but nothing that lasts.

In Keats’s best work, though, a different kind of worldliness emerges. “A thing of beauty is a joy for ever,” begins his vast 4000-line poem Endymion. In this case, the things Keats has in mind, and the pleasures they offer, do not distract from life but “bind us to the earth.”

Keats can be decorative to the point of showiness, it is true. He can be inflamed by sensation and sincere to the point of embarrassment. But this is also where he diverges from the archetypal dandy, who indulges in drink and dress because everything bores him, and deflects every serious question because to him it’s all a joke. Keats takes his enjoyment of bodies and things seriously. In the end, he finds his philosophy in sensation—in the anguish and delight which “make us feel existence.”

Quality content, like quality clothing, ages well. This article first appeared on the No Man blog in 2018.

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mochikeiji · 4 years

Text

When Somebody Loved Me // TsukkiYama

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Pairings: Tsukishima Kei x Yamaguchi Tadashi

a/n: I may have randomly listened again to "When Somebody Loves Me" in Toy Story 3, and got this idea ヽ( ´¬`)ノ Parenthesis are the song lyrics!

GIF is not mine!

(When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful)

Yamaguchi was the type of person to go through his past a lot randomly. Like the time he first watched volleyball, the time he was bullied, and the time he first met a friend. His only friend. He had never felt so complete the day he trailed behind Tsukishima's back. What's more is that he wasn't bothered or pushing him away like other people did.

For once someone actually liked his presence, and has stuck up with him from childhood to teenage years.

(Every hour spent together

Lives within my heart)

"Nice serve." The blonde praises quietly, making Yamaguchi grip the ball on his palms, a fire lit inside of him as determination and happiness mixed.

His happiness always so humble. A simple praise from his cool and amazing friend would always leave a mark on his heart, a song that will always be on replay in his head.

In game, or in school, every moment he had with Tsukishima he cherished everyday. He felt blessed, too blessed that he began to feel selfish from having such an amazing blessing. He thanks the heavens for him everyday.

He thanks and prays with every heart and soul that this would remain the same.

(And when he was sad

I was there to dry his tears)

"Will you stop calling yourself lame!" Yamaguchi finds himself yelling at him, he was never the one to lose his shy, soft spoken self, but he has no control when the people he loves says they hate themselves or even makes a bad comment about their selves.

Tsukishima looks at him, face in shock, and wet from splashing water onto it. "If you keep doing that, then you're going to be lamer than you already are!" Yamaguchi puffs his cheeks, trying to look tough, and angry. Tsukishima was still frozen, it wasn't all the time he gets to see his timid friend become a loud yet strong willed person.

And it wasn't all the time Yamaguchi would see Tsukishima tore himself apart by blaming himself from not being good enough at something.

(And when was happy so was I

When he loved me)

Wiping his face with a clean towel, and placing back his normal glasses, he smiles, "Since when did you get so cool?" Yamaguchi flinches, but shyly scratches the back of his head, "I'm still the same person, Tsukki." smiling softly as the blonde made his way through the door. Stopping by putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you." leaving behind Yamaguchi with an idiotic yet adorable smile on his face, before snapping out of his thoughts when he was alone in the bathroom.

"T-tsukki! Wait!"

(Through the summer and the fall

We had each other, that was all

Just he and I together

Like it was meant to be)

The two friends made their way to the gym for a summer training. It was weird to see Hinata and Kageyama aren't early as they always been. Tanaka made a comment that they were out jogging or racing eachother, and that they'll be late.

Yamaguchi doesn't complain though, he likes moments where it's just them, and no members trying to pull them apart for separate practices. Every second felt like it was just the two of them in their own little world.

Placing down their bags, they warmed up together, having a little chat, "You seem to always stare at Yachi san a lot, don't you." he says, now stretching his other leg. "N-no! I just think she's adorable, Tsukki! No feelings at all!" Yamaguchi rambles, afraid that the male would be thinking of such things. "I'm kidding, jeez, can't take a joke?" chuckling a little at him, Yamaguchi stayed silent. "I don't like Yachi san..." he takes a deep breath, and looks at Tsukishima with a blush on his face "I o-only like you, Tsukki!" he confesses, it was now or never.

He was surprised to see the way he smiled, not the snarky or sarcastic one. But a genuine, real one. One where you can read his emotions loud and clear.

"I know, idiot."

(And when he was lonely

I was there to comfort him)

Sitting on a cemented bench in silence, Yamaguchi watches Tsukishima take another sip of his favorite drink with his headphones on his ears.

Tsukishima just texted him that no one was at his place, and that he was getting bored. So he asked if they could meet at the place where they used to play as kids. It was now their usual hang out spot after school days. Yamaguchi could never say no, and rushed out. He even treats him with his favorite drink.

But he knows random calls like these coming from him usually meant he was troubled. Yeah he wasn't good at expressing his feelings much, but after so many years of being with him, he had memorized him like a poem.

(And I knew that he loved me)

"Hey" he straightens up his posture as he hums in response, "Thanks for this." Looking back at the freckled male with a smile, raising his canned drink. Smiles from Tsukishima to Yamaguchi meant a lot of things. It can either be, "you're an idiot.", "oh god why am I with this person.",

"I love you, I hope you know that."

Yamaguchi just smiles at him, and nods happily.

"Anything for you, Tsukki."

(So the years went by

I stayed the same

But he began to drift away)

Graduation was nearing, he had seen Tsukishima become more busy, and hasn't been attending practice much. He knows he was an intelligent person, one who wants to keep their future and finances in check. He was working hard for both that and his passion in volleyball.

But somehow he feels him slowly become an entire different person. Much like Kageyama back in middle school when he explained his story. He seemed to become someone who prefers to be alone. Like when they were kids.

Yamaguchi couldn't serve the ball properly from his thinking, always messing up like when he was in first year.

Today was no different, he watches as he blocks again another ball from the new members of the team. But he seemed to be less into the game. Not like he wasn't before, but now, it felt like he was just someone else.

Like a the boy he first had his eyes on when they were kids. Just a stranger.

(I was left alone

Still I waited for the day)

"H-hey, Tsukki. Let's go home together." He tries making small talk, but the roots on his feet felt like they were pulling him down as he faces a completely different aura from him.

"I'm heading home first. My brother and I have some things to attend to." he just watch as Tsukishima stuffs all of his belongings in his bag, "T-then I'll come with you—"

"Just stay and practice. You don't have to keep following me around all the time."

Frozen at his spot as the male leaves. How long has this been annoying him? The fact that he was inseparable from him, was he getting annoyed of him?

Yamaguchi looked like a kicked out puppy, wondering what he did wrong to him.

(When he'd say, "I will always love you")

He didn't dare act like that to Yamaguchi. The boy was just too precious to be acting all scary. But now, he just snapped, and walked away.

But Yamaguchi was understanding, kind. He prays he'd come by— back to his normal self again.

(Lonely and forgotten

Never thought he'd look my way)

After graduation, Tsukishima wasn't coming to him anymore. He stopped walking together with the boy. Doesn't even congratulate him after the ceremony. Even the following months of break, he didn't show up. Yamaguchi had never felt so cold. It was as if the feelings he had felt as a child came back to him.

Yamaguchi held back his tears, as he focused on finishing his requirements for college. He always hated being alone. He hoped he never had to feel this way again like before. It was an awful spirit to ever eat him.

Does this mean they'd already broken up? Was he brave enough to bring it up after so long? No he wasn't. He was still the same loving person he was.

But oh how he missed his sarcastic lover.

He cleaned up his pile of notes, and finished his coffee, staring out the window from the cafe he was in. He had to head home soon, or he'd be caught up by the rain. Sure as hell be a bummer if his notes got soaked. Before he even had the chance to get up, he was met by a familiar glasses person, blonde hair now longer than before.

"T-tsukki." he stutters out, before he was able to great him, Yamaguchi runs out of the cafe, his chest feeling heavy as he ran. He wished he could've stayed, he wanted to. But he was so afraid. He stopped running when he felt a drizzle of rain drop from the tip of his nose, it began to pour as he runs to a near alley with a roof, and settles there.

(And he smiled at me and held me

Just like he used to do)

His breathing calms down, "Thank goodness." he sighs, "My notes are saved." smiling sadly at the thought of leaving his "lover" back there, his eyes began to water again, hugging his bag as he buries his face against it. He felt horrible. He felt like a bad person.

"Oi." he felt a hand on his hunched back, "That was pretty stupid of you to run into the rain like that." his body didn't move an inch as the hand lingered, "The man back there in the cafe was worried his regular costumer had run out, a pain really to make me come and get you." slowly he looks up from his bag, he whimpers at the sight.

He was smiling.

"I'm sorry." Words like these never was expected to come out of Tsukishima's mouth. But in Yamaguchi's case, he was the only one allowed to see his other sides. "I'm so sorry, it took me long, I know." he sat on the concrete floor. Usually he'd cringe at how disgusting it was, but he didn't pay attention to it. "I'm sorry I treated you like that— like this." referring to the males crying state.

"I'm sorry, Tadashi. Please forgive me."

(Like he loved me

When he loved me)

Throwing his bag to the side, Yamaguchi spreads his arms out wide, and nuzzles himself on Tsukishima, crying, murmuring various of words like, "Its okay.", "I'm sorry." "Thank God." "I love you. "

Placing a hand on his head as he pushes himself deeper into his chest. "You did nothing wrong." Tsukishima confirms, pressing a soft kiss at the crown of his head. "I love you too, I promise I'll make it up."

But this was more than enough to Yamaguchi. Judt having him back in his arms was already more than he could ask for.

(When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful)

That was about a year ago.

Apparently Tsukishima and his brother had a bit of an argument, and problems regarding his college. He explained everything to Yamaguchi while waiting for the rain to stop pouring that day.

The next day, to his delight, Tsukishima drops by his house like he always does. This time, he was the one treating him out. Yamaguchi remembers that day Tsukishima surprised him with a fluffy yellow dinosaur saying that if he ever felt sad, know that he's there, as a dinosaur. And boy, that was the most wholesome moment he can never forget.

He treated him with so much dates, despite not being an outgoing person. But he'd do anything to make up for the pain he has caused him, and proves his promises in never doing it ever again.

(Every hour spent together

Lives within my heart)

"You're quiet, it's freaking me out." Yamaguchi takes his eyes off his book, meeting his lovers who was sitting on his work table. "Sorry Tsukki, I was spacing out." Laughing nervously, placing the book on the table of their little apartment they had just got together.

Tsukishima blinks before removing his headphones and walked towards the couch, "What were you thinking?" he says down, rubbing comforting circles at his hand. Yamaguchi smiles at the gesture, knowing he was the only one who can make Tsukishima soft and nice. "Just reminiscing the past." humming as he smiles at the warm feeling in his chest.

"It's not the bad ones, is it?" And yes, Tsukishima still has his sarcasm laced with him. "Only the lame ones." that didn't mean Yamaguchi can't pick up on him. The rain outside poured heavily, a convenience to his reminiscing memories. Finally it was just the two of them, what's better is that this time it was always the two of them in the same roof on their heads.

(When he loved me)

Soft lips were met on his cheek, the hand still holding his lovingly. "I love you." He whispered, as if he was hiding himself from the prying ears and eyes of the unknown world around him.

Moments like these, he cherished like they were a present from Christmas. Everything, he can never forget. As long as it was with Tsukishima, everything will be beautiful.

"I love you too, Tsukki."

59 notes · View notes

fwoopersongs · 3 years

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何必诗债换酒钱 - Notes

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Clean version here and thoughts under the cut.

I saw the song translation notes made by @shelterfromrain a while back and thought, wow! what a fantastic idea it is to share the results of the rabbit holing (that you inevitably end up engaging in when doing this) and leave a record for your future self while at it too! Currently some of the song and poetry translations on fwoopersongs do have little notes, but those were casually written on the fly and after so long, the thought process behind certain choices often get forgotten, which is such a waste... Long story short - I’m doing it this way from now on!

This song was requested by @peerlesssqq on twitter - which may or may not have bumped it up by like a year on my list (yes, I’ve been sitting on it since 2018 and you’ll see why) - and I had WAY more fun than expected, so 谢啦 ~ It was a delight to receive your DM request. I was happy for days!

Some background: 《何必诗债换酒钱》 is the theme song of 【文定乾坤】- a collection of musical works that feature notable contributors to Chinese literature in ancient times, poets and the like. Oh, and I did notice that the MV on bilibili looks like it could be a promo for a webtoon or game. Who knows? I’ll be checking out the rest of the songs, that’s for sure!

The following part of this post will be my thoughts for first the title, then each section - the intro, verse 1 & 2 and the chorus, ending off with some final comments.

Disclaimer first though (otherwise later you read already then feel like beating me up): Everything in this post is only my interpretation of the song. I have quite limited familiarity with mainland literature and culture, so of course don’t expect much xD Here you’ll only find a story-loving banana who jiak-ed kantang too much in her youth and now regrets it a whole lot. 说好了哈 I’m pants at analysis, worse at Chinese, and am not at all good with words ok?

Title

So《何必诗债换酒钱》, let’s start off with the word here that’s unfamiliar to most of us:

诗债 | shī zhài or a debt of poems/poetry debt is a legit thing! - All you authors and artists out there might be familiar with it - It’s what you call the resulting debt when a poet promises to write something for another person but hasn’t done it yet. Procrastination has apparently always been the curse of content creators.

In fact, in the Bai Juyi’s poem that came up on the 诗债 baidu page《晚春欲携酒寻沉四著作先以六韵寄之》- possibly addressed to a friend he owes - he was complaining of illness, old age and writer’s block. But then oh, he goes on and then I passed by a party where they had drinks, and was quite up to my gills & totally out of it for some time, and THAT’S why I’ve done you dirty and owe you ever so many poems. I don’t really understand the last two lines but apparently he then offers to bring a drink for this person he’s talking to, mentions a wish to meet a winter goddess (????? pretty girl? or the snow? idk which), and starts reminiscing the times that were like a precious string of pearls they had singing at Yang Pass. Most likely farewells, but without context I just don’t get it. Anyway bribery and misdirection huh? I see what you did there bro, and I’m sure the person you attempted to distract saw it coming too...

何必 | hé bì, is a rhetorical question of Must you really? In the case of this word, 何 functions as roughly ‘is it that’ and 必 as ‘it must be so’.

换酒钱 | huàn jiǔ qián is of course, exchange for money to purchase wine.

‘Must you really promise poems in exchange for money to buy wine?’ then is the literal translation of 何必诗债换酒钱.

So here is the question: Is alcohol worth a poetry debt? Onwards to the answer!

Intro

生就诗骨算来三百篇 Born and already a poet to the bones, (with) three hundred works counting up to now.

浪掷秦淮长安风流李杜王白 Spending lavishly in Qinhuai and Chang’an, free/unrestrained as Li and Du, Wang and Bai;

余下十分便随意肩上担 whatever left is divided in ten parts, casually thrown over a shoulder

权作金玉铜板相谢好人间 and taken for jade, gold and coin, a big thank you to this good world!

I interpreted the 生 in the first line as 天生 i.e. innate, natural born talent, so this first line describes someone born with a gift for poetry with ‘three hundred’ works to their name. Although... that three hundred should not be taken too literally, it’s more likely to be an allusion to collected works like the 16th century anthology of poems, Three Hundred Tang Poems. After all, Li Bai, Du Fu, Wang Wei and Bai Juyi are the most famous Tang Dynasty poets… and they were all name-dropped in the next line!

浪掷 | làng zhì was a new phrase for me, and means something like spending freely and lavishly or willfully wasted. Of course Chang’an was the capital during the Tang Dynasty and it was the world's most populous city at the time. One can only imagine how prosperous it must have been… and what fun things were there to spend your money on! The banks of Qinhuai river and that general area was once a gathering place for noble/wealthy families, scholars looking for a good time (and some say, the red light district xD). Though by Sui/Tang, that area was no longer doing as well due to political shifts. So the mental image I got from 浪掷秦淮长安 is of someone gallivanting through places of interest, from the bustling and prosperous to the dilapidated.

风流 | fēng liú is as always, hard to translate with no full equivalent in english. The feel it gives me ranges from, ‘cool, dashing bloke on a galloping horse with their cloak/robes/hair flowing elegantly in the wind’ to ‘pleasure seeking dandy who totally knows how to enjoy life, all the courtesans know him by courtesy name!’.

The third line started with 余下十分, which will not make any sense - why leftover? Divide what by ten? - until its put in context with the following:

Three hundred poems 算来三百篇 + 权作金玉铜板 pretend they are gold/jade/money (权作 | quán zuò just means to take one thing for another temporarily.)

The load thrown over the shoulder 肩上担

Spendthrift behaviour on tour 浪掷秦淮长安

The TITLE: bro so u wanna promise poetry in exchange for money to drink? why.

Let’s take those precious poems that can be exchanged for gold - a whole bagful of scrolls, and now I’m so rich I can scatter my money down the streets of entertainment districts and the capital! The very image of a 风流 poet, reckless and free spirited.

// Folks, please learn from this silly girl and do not read songs (or poems) line by line. They need to be appreciated at a distance, not one inch from your eyeballs.

Verse 1

两分与月劳烦身前打点 Two parts to the moon, (may I) trouble you to take care of me while I’m alive.

哪处巍峨峰峦当借我悬来观 Wherever there are majestic peaks and ranges, do lend me (your light) to hang and see by.

三分典高楼好与长风赴宴 Three parts pawned for the tall building, good for attending the banquet alongside the wind,

遍寻可爱星子唾手一把玩 searching for charming little stars, easily caught to play with.

Now we get to see how the poet is spending his ‘wealth’. This verse is a lot more literal as compared to the introduction, so there’s not much to say.

打点 used here is so interesting! Because it’s what you call bribing someone in a superior position to smoothen your path ahead (so to speak). Thanks to a childhood of tvb drama, I vaguely associate the type of people who would 打点 with rich merchant or minor noble fathers who want to give their sons an easier time at court. Either that or lower ranked officials with less moral scruples. Anyway, what’s being said in the song is something like: here is 20% dear moon, I’ll have to trouble you to bless me for the rest of this lifetime, and also please lend me your light to see by when I have need of it at scenic spots *for art*. The moon is a muse for many poets in all its forms after all… 明月, 圆月, 孤月, 残月, 冷月, 江月, 秋月 and so on.

Actually that whole sentence 劳烦身前打点 is so playful and fun that I put it in quotation marks to emphasize it. We’ve only just begun. Is the speaker already drunk?

And with the third line, 30% has been spent. Just noting here that 典 | diǎn can be read as pawn or mortgage. Another interesting thing to note would be that this imagery of ascending a tall building 高楼 and reaching out for stars 星子 in the last two lines of Verse 1 brings to mind one particular poem, famously attributed to Li Bai. Following translation by yours truly.

《夜宿山寺》- Overnight at the Mountain Temple 危楼高百尺 | dangerously towering a hundred feet high 手可摘星辰 | the stars are within reach 不敢高声语 | one dares not raise their voice 恐惊天上人 | for fear of disturbing the deities

Though the two probably have nothing to do with each other, doesn’t the reverence in the tone of this one bring out the playful irreverence of the other? So. Much. Fun. I adore the whole feel of 遍寻可爱星子唾手一把玩 SO MUCH.

Verse 2

两分与桥歇脚南北行船 Two parts to the bridge where travellers on foot and by boat from the north and south can rest,

欣然八方风物闲话半日茶碗 delighted by the scenery all around, idly chatting half the day away over bowls of tea.

三分典流水润色枯瘦石山 Three parts for the running water, moistening the gaunt stone mountains

又将天地一展伸手试浓淡 and again spreading heaven and earth wide, reaching out to test the viscosity (of the water).

It took a few listens, but in the end I really enjoyed the aesthetics here. And again, this verse is quite straight to the point albeit with two things I cannot understand.

The first point of confusion for me is why the lyricist chose to use 桥 | qiáo, a bridge as the place for people to rest on their journeys. I assumed here that this in reference to a pier or dock, assumed also that he is donating funds for this structure to be built or repaired. However, if that were the case 坞 | wù would have been enough - 船坞 was supposedly invented only in the Song Dynasty though, so maybe that’s why another word was chosen. But it’s not like there is any incidence of 桥 being used to mean ‘dock’ either!

The second thing that confuses me is the use of 典 for 流水. In verse one, that 典 was referring to the poetry works sold to reserve the venue for a banquet. That usage was apt. Here I suspect it might be for parallel structure, because there is no alternative reading for 典 that might allow one to use their 30% 三分 to do anything to flowing water 流水. That’s the literal reading, of course.

If we’re taking this a little less literally, it can be interpreted as borrowing the scenery (figuratively, since the place would not belong to anyone in the way you might own a property) to admire. It also expands on the second line’s mention of the surrounding view 欣然八方风物; there is running water which completes 润色 and brings the appearance of the gaunt and rocky mountains 枯瘦石山 closer to perfection.

润色 | rùn sè means to polish, to bring to greater heights. When you say something has been 润色 it is made more brilliant and closer to perfection by that addition. It can also mean moisten.

We always hear ‘rivers and mountains like a painting’ 江山如画 - originating from Su Dongpo’s《念奴娇·赤壁怀古》- used when the scenery is wonderful, because how often is real life as ideal as what we can imagine and depict? And that is exactly what is described here. The feeling out if the ‘water’ is concentrated or diluted 试浓淡 is used in answer to 一展 unfurling. 浓淡 of ink to 一展 of painting scroll. The land and sky seem like an ink wash painting, so beautiful that the viewer cannot help but reach out to run their hand through the water.

Chorus

Chorus Part 1

若趁游兴直到酣 If we take advantage of our wanderlust and go roaming till it is sated,

千字文章不值钱 classics and essays shan’t be worth a coin.

诗换花词换雪 A poem for a flower! A song for snow!

再作檄文斗天官 Another denunciation for those heavenly officials!

Starting off with three new terms for me: 游兴 | yóu xìng means enthusiasm for travel. 酣 | hān can mean having a great time drinking, or being very satisfied and satiated. 檄文 | xí wén is a type of official document written for important announcements, declaration of war, or denunciation and condemnation of certain people or actions.

While I still feel this need to go out to see the world, I shall keep on the road until I am satisfied. Who cares about writing, who cares for study, it’s all worthless to me. I do what I want. And what I want is to write a little poem in exchange for a flower, some lyrics for a flake of snow. I’ll even write a denunciation against those officials in heaven (immortals). Fight me!!!!

I point again at Verse 1 with climbing the tower to play with stars. It’s no longer just playing nearby, now he wants a go at the gods.

Among the four parts of the chorus, this one is the simplest for sure. The lines mean exactly what is said. It also feels the most chaotic and mischievous. Is the speaker drunk? Is he high on something? One thing’s for sure. He’s out of money.

Chorus Part 2

何愁不得一样我 Why feel troubled that (I) cannot have another just like me?

知交尽向话中添 for one who understands you and is understood, look entirely towards stories to fill that place

唐解元嵇中散 people like Tang Bohu (first in provincial examinations) and proud, upright and stubborn Ji Kang

且驰大梦任疯癫 Just chase that great dream, allow yourself to go mad.

I feel like the first two lines are quite straightforward, though they might not appear so on first reading: How could there be a need to feel sad or troubled that I have no like-minded equal. To find a true friend who understands you without need for words, and whom you understand in return, all you need to do is turn to those tales and stories 话中 for people to fill 添 that place.

唐解元 - People like Tang Yin, courtesy name: Bohu 唐寅, 字伯虎 (1470–1524 AD), noted painter, calligrapher and poet of the Ming Dynasty. Tang Yin led a life full of ups and downs that really cannot be covered in a paragraph’s worth of song translation notes. You can check out his wiki page if you’re curious though! There’s a little more on him where I cover the last line of this section. He is addressed as 解元 | jiè yuán here which is the term for the top scorer of the provincial examinations (second stage in the Imperial examination ladder). It is also an honorific for scholars. Tang Bohu is both.

嵇中散 - People like Ji Kang, courtesy name: Shuye 嵇康, 字叔夜, (223–262 AD), one of the Seven Sages of the Bamboo Grove - a group of friends who wisely kept themselves aloof from the dangerous politics of the Court, and devoted themselves to art, refinement and debate, of the Three Kingdoms period. He was a Daoist philosopher, musician, writer and poet.

An accomplished musician, the qin composition 廣凌散 | guǎnglíng sàn is attributed to Ji Kang, though some versions of the story claim he learned it from a ghost while stopping at a pavillion on his way home. 嵇中散 was one of the names he was known by because of his appointment to the position of Attendant Counsellor, 中散大夫 | zhōng sàn dàfū, a civil official unspecified duties in the court of Cao Wei.

When Ji Kang was sentenced to death for his attempt to testify for a wrongly accused friend, three thousand scholars petitioned for his pardon to no avail. It’s said that at the execution ground, while they waited for the appointed hour, he had his favourite qin brought out and played a brilliant interpretation of Guanglin San that is now forever lost.

Do go read about them both if you have the time!

I would like to point out for the last line that 任 is to allow, to indulge, and it’s just such a heady sensation to say 任疯癫 - indulge in the madness! throw yourself in and don’t look back!

There is an easter egg here too. A nod to a poem by Tang Yin which can be read as his stance on his lifestyle choice after the alleged accusations of bribery in the final step of the Imperial examinations left him disgraced, and unable to pursue a civil career. Thematically the line does not call back to the poem at all, similarities end with the choice of words: chasing the dream 驰大梦 and indulging madness 任疯癫. I leave an excerpt below. Translation again by me.

《桃花庵歌》- Song of a Plum Blossom Cottage // 若将花酒比车马 | if tawdriness and wine were compared against fine carriage and steed 他得驱驰我得闲 | he would have to drive and work hard for speed whilst I have my idle rest 别人笑我太疯癫 | others mock me for my madness 我笑他人看不穿 | i am amused for they do not perceive 不见五陵豪杰墓 | can’t you see that at the Emperors’ mausoleums and heroes’ graves 无花无酒锄做田 | there are no flowers, no wine, only land ploughed for farming

The second part of the chorus isn’t related to the first, but it has the same theme of showcasing the untamable (unhinged xD) spirit of the speaker. This time, the people he admires ‘intellectual equals’ and kindred spirits are featured, the 任性 feeling here has been pushed to greater heights.

Chorus Part 3

敢夸洒落何须酒 If one dares to boast of carefreeness, why, they hardly need wine.

不煮黄粱也称仙 Even without brewing millet they would still be called Immortal.

镜湖桌白梅盏 The tables in the mirror-like lake, white plum blossoms in the cups,

等来春风恰开宴 await the spring breeze which arrives just in time for the feast to start!

Li Bai is regarded as both the god of poetry 诗仙 and god of drunkards wine 酒仙 because he wrote some of his greatest poems while drinking. The first two lines seem to be gently poking fun at that. Like hey, if you dare to claim to be all groovy, surely you have no need for alcohol? Just like how an immortal would still be an immortal without wine, your writing talent should not need any stimulants. This would be the time to mention that 黄粱 | huáng liáng is also known as millet, a type of grain that can be used to brew wine.

洒落 | sǎ luò has a few meanings, like shower down or blame, but the relevant one here would be 洒脱 generous, uninhibited and open. For me it feels similar to 风流 in that there is that ‘free, and exhilaratingly unrestrained’ element. 洒落 is in the most positive sense, being always open to having a good time, but without that dissolute or vaguely whirlwind-romance like connotation of 风流.

It feels like the intensity is letting up a little here - this is a light-hearted and frivolous song all the way through, but the words 洒落, 称仙 and imagery of a clear lake, white plum blossoms and the crisp spring breeze are grounding and sweet. Spirited in a different way from before.

Chorus Part 4

四角天地也醺然 The four corners and heaven and earth are also tipsy,

醉极自有桃李搀 when I’ve overindulged, my students will be there to help.

快意只笔下讨 Gratification can only be claimed from beneath the brush;

何必诗债换酒钱 is falling into poetry debt worth that money for drink?

New words: 醺然 | xūn rán just means drunk. A new word for me though! 桃李 | táo lǐ is literally peach 桃 and plum 李 (李花, also known as 玉梅) flowers, and is a metaphor for students. The term originates from a story in 《韩诗外传》which was set in the Wei Kingdom of the Spring and Autumn period (771 to 476 BCE). There was once a highly ranked official who was sacked from his post and left for the north. He met another gentleman and remarked that the people he helped before did not lift a finger when he was in need. This person replied that, if someone were to plant peach and plum trees in spring, he could relax under their shade in the Summer and taste their fruit in the Autumn. But if that person were to plant weeds, nothing can be done with their leaves in Spring and there would only be burrs to hurt himself on in Autumn. Clearly the people the unfortunate gentlemen had helped before were not worth his effort. Students ought to be carefully selected and carefully cultivated as one would a tree.

Reading the four corners and heaven and earth 四角天地 are also tipsy 也醺然, I imagine the world sort of spinning around the speaker because he is drunk. But that’s okay, because his students (or the trees xD) will be there to support him.

快意 | kuài yì is the feeling of sudden relaxation, and then lightheartedness and joy. In this line, I felt like the intention would be closer to 畅快，爽快 and so chose gratification, because really writing is like scratching an itch isn’t it? Pleasure from satisfaction of a desire. Phrasing it as 笔下讨 is so very fitting though, because 讨 can be interpreted - somewhat contradicting - as either to demand or to beg. What could be more gratifying than having squeezed out the perfect sentence or word under your figurative pen?

So so so after all that, 何必诗债换酒钱? What do you think, is alcohol worth the poetry debt? Is Mr. Poet actually drunk and about to dig himself a deeper hole of owed poems to get even MORE drunk, or has he just been thinking about it all along? :)

Thoughts

This has been such a fun adventure following our madcap big spender from the shining Chang’an to the inviting Qinhuai, shadow of great poets in tow and all. We’ve done everything from talking to the moon and seeing the sights by her light, to boating down a river, dragging fingers through the water. It was sort of like being on a backpacking tour, except with with someone contemplating opening (or perhaps regretting opening this can of worms?) poetry commissions instead of singing in the streets?

Dear reader, if you’ve reached this point of my post, thank you. I hope you enjoy the song as much as I do now!

#何必诗债换酒钱 #translation notes #i made a new years resolution and this is step one #i had so many more things to say lol but it's like 1 am and i need to go to bed #this took way longer than i thought it might

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obviouslyelementary · 4 years

Text

Talent Show - DS9 fanfic

Ships: Jake/Nog; Kira/Jadzia; Julian/Garak; Quark/Odo

Tags: Romance, first kisses, confessions over music, teen love, adults being there to have fun.

Word count: 4k+

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Nights like these were rather on DS9. Clam, gentle, uneventful nights, where they could arrange some sort of gathering for the people who were interested. The idea came from Keiko, as she allowed the children to express themselves in a variety of ways, including acting, dancing and singing, which lead to the event they were having. All parents and friends and all the station's personal had been invited for the presentation the kids had organized, some of them doing bajoran traditional dances, and others reading poems and reciting stories.

The parents were excited, and due to a little blackmailing, Sisko was able to get Quark's bar to be the gathering point. They made a stage and organized the chairs so that everyone would fit, and despite Quark's first hesitation, he realized he could make at least a bit of profit by giving off food and soft drinks for the guests.

In the end, they were all gathered up for the event to begin, and Benjamin couldn't help but lean closer to Jake as Keiko called the first group of children to the stage.

"I hope you have prepared something good" he said, and Jake looked at him, giving his father a nervous smile.

"Me too. I'm sure you will like it" he said, making Ben confused and even more curious.

"Are you really not going to tell me what it is? And to whom? Because clearly it isn't for me" he teased, nudging Jake, but the boy seemed to get even more uncomfortable, letting out a weak chuckle and sipping on his drink. "Alright I wont bug you with it. But I bet she will like it."

Jake looked at him, even more unsure, and nodded weakly while looking down at his glass. The bajoran music began, and Benjamin lifted his glance to look at the stage, where three little bajoran girls were beginning to dance. It was quite adorable, but his mind didn't leave him alone. He was always curious about what Jake would do.

"Can you believe Keiko came for me to help?" Kira asked, chuckling as she shook her head, sipping on her juice and leaning against Jadzia, who was sitting just behind her. "As if I knew any traditional bajoran dancing."

"I mean, I would have asked you too" Julian said from the other side of the table, smiling over his big lizard boyfriend's shoulder from where, very much like Kira, Garak rested against the doctor's chest.

"Are you two going to appreciate this moment?" Garak asked, his soft voice always against his cardassian nature, making Kira giving him a glance while Jadzia squeezed her girlfriend tighter and kissed her cheek.

"He's right" she sang into her ear, kissing it and making Kira immediately lean back against her. "The girls are doing a marvelous job."

"Yeah... they are cute" Kira admitted, holding Jadzia's hand over her own stomach and watching as the girls danced and jumped around the stage, following the song's rhythm. They seemed to have practiced quite a lot. "I remember some girls at my camp that danced like that. There weren’t many of them, but their mothers insisted on keeping the culture alive. It was quite... enchanting."

"Any sort of hope is enchanting" Julian added, laying his head on Garak's almost protectively, while Garak kept his attention on the stage, humming along with the song. Kira didn't seem to mind his company anymore, drawing patterns on Jadzia's hand, smiling whenever one of the girls pulled off a tricky move. They were very good, and she was glad a Cardassian could enjoy a little bit of Bajoran culture without feeling offended.

But then again, Garak wasn't any cardassian. She knew it by the way he treated Julian, most of all. And she wasn't a simple bajoran either.

It was no time to think about that, however.

Once the girls were finished, the crowd clapped and were given a few seconds to ask for food and drinks while the next group got together on stage. Quark groaned as once again Rom came back with a full platter, flicking his ear.

"You are a disgrace Rom! I said table six not sixteen! Take it to them before it grows cold!" he complained, shaking his head and fixing some more drinks for the costumers, in a rush. During presentations he did nothing but watch, and during breaks he would have to run so all costumers were satisfied. He didn't like that one bit.

"Looking quite busy, Quark" he heard someone say, and oh boy his night couldn't get better. He turned around to face Odo, his eyes narrowed in annoyance as he poured another drink without looking at it before his waiter took it away.

"If you wouldn't mind helping, I could very much use your assistance" he said, getting another meal from the replicator and putting it on a tray. "If not, I would rather have you leaving me alone. After all with all this work, you can't possibly suspect of any scheme!"

"I'm suspecting of schemes ever since you accepted this... event to happen at your bar, Quark" he said, leaning over the bar and squinting his eyes at the bartender. "If I find you are doing anything to ruin this presentation..."

"Odo, why would I? These are every day clients that will be here more often if I offer them good service, specially around their children" Quark said, honestly already exhausted, and it had only been the first set of children. For all he knew, there were still ten performances left, and then it would be open to the public. This night would never end. "Please, Odo? Leave me alone?"

That sounded quite defeated, but he didn't have time to care about his dignity at the moment.

He turned around to serve another waiter with a set of drinks and food, but when he turned to reach for the replicator, the food was gone. Another look, and a freakishly long arm was placing it on the tray, together with other six tentacle-things serving the drinks accordingly to the requests. When Quark looked over, Odo's face couldn't be read, and yet, he felt extremely thankful.

"Next performance will be of our dear student Tarsk, who will be reading her poem" Keiko said, and Quark sighed, shaking his head and knowing he would have another short break. He walked closer to where Odo was sitting, and leaned over the bar, looking at the stage.

"I don't think Nog will be doing anything. At least I hope not" he whispered as the little kid got ready. Odo humphred at him, and Quark raised his cartilage. "Why are you so moody?"

"I was expecting so spend some... quality time with you. I did not know you would be controlling the food and drinks" he said, quite hesitant and also quietly, but Quark heard it and he felt the happiness of being wanted tingling in his ears.

"Oh really? You know, we have the time during the performances" Quark said, and Odo turned to face him, his face unreadable. "I'm free now."

Odo shook his head and let out a huff through his nose before leaning closer to Quark and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. Once he pulled away, his attention returned to the stage, but Quark was already too happy to care.

That would be a good night.

As the little girl read her poem, quite long for a simple child's mind, Garak leaned further against Julian, and the doctor nodded something akin to fatigue getting over his wonderful partner. He knew Garak had been tired the last few days, although he wasn’t sure why, and he knew he wouldn't get it from him either, but holding him closer and kissing his scaly neck seemed to make the cardassian a little more comfortable.

"Sometimes I... forget... the beauty of the Bajoran culture" he whispered, to no one really, and surely too quiet for their table sharers to listen, but Julian heard and leaned closer to him, nuzzling gently behind his pointy ear.

"They can be quite mesmerizing, can't they? The children?" he asked, intertwining their fingers together, while Garak let out one of his gentle chuckles, nodding to himself and to the doctor.

"Indeed... they hold the same spirituality that allowed their parents and grandparents to survive" he whispered, and sighed softly, squeezing Julian's hands. "In moments like this I wonder the true destruction Cardassia brought to these people."

"You never talk about the invasion like this" Julian noted, perhaps finding one more layer of Garak he didn’t know, one of those he kept buried inside many lies and secrets. But the cardassian just chuckled and closed his eyes, paying attention to the poem again, and Julian knew he had lost him.

Sometimes he just spoke too much.

But luckily, Garak didn't seem to mind.

"Did you see Rom or Nog at all?" Jadzia asked after the little girl finished her poem, a new round of drinks and foods being served to the guests. Kira turned to face her, a small frown showing in her pretty nose's cartilages.

"I think Rom is being useless to Quark as he always is... and I don't know about Nog. Why?" she asked, taking a sip from her drink and offering it to Jadzia, who easily accepted.

"Nothing. Just curious" she said, and Kira rolled her eyes while laying her head on her girlfriend's shoulder.

"Only you to care about the ferengis while having a nice little talent show" she whispered, and hummed happily. Jadzia knew the alcohol (which was not supposed to be served and yet, here they were) was beginning to affect Kira, letting her softer and sweeter, and maybe a bit clingier, but she didn’t mind, only bringing her bajoran major closer and kissing her head.

"I care about all the performances, but there is one in particular I would not like to miss" she said, and Kira looked at her curiously, barely opening her eye.

"Is the baby troll going to show off some hidden skills?" she teased, smiling, and Jadzia chuckled softly.

"Don't talk like that about Nog, he is a child still" she said, kissing her head and then her lips when Kira pouted. "No, I don't think Nog will be presenting anything. But it is important that he is here, so he sees Jake's."

"Jake's? Oh, what is that going to be?" Kira asked, suddenly interested, smiling at Jadzia. "Is it like a prank? A loooooove declaration?"

"I don't know. All I know is that Jake is nervous and he wants Nog to see it" she smiled, and kissed Kira again to make her forget the subject.

After all, she didn't want to ruin it for Jake.

"Thank you so much, thank you! Now, our next performer will be Jake Sisko! Get your food and drinks and get ready!" Keiko announced, before nodding for Jake to hop up on the stage. Jake sighed and looked at his dad, unsure, before rushing up with her and taking the old fashioned microphone. "Hey Jake! Ready?"

"I-I guess" he mumbled nervously, looking at her. "Did,.. did Nog show up? Is he going to do anything?"

"He didn't come to check on me, no, but I believe he must be around. His family is" she said, and smiled at him, tapping his shoulder. "Don't worry. I don't think he would lose seeing you perform."

"Thank you, miss O'Brien" he whispered, sighing and getting on stage, before scanning the room as the ferengi served the guests. He could see his father sitting alone a few feet away from the stage. A few tables behind, he saw Jadzia, Kira, Julian and Garak sharing a table, the two couples clearly quite content with their arms around each other. He felt his cheeks warming up as he looked away, only to see Odo serving drinks with four tentacle-like arms while kissing Quark on the side. He couldn't help but frown, that was gross.

He kept looking around, trying to find Nog in the middle of the tables or maybe serving, but he just couldn't find him. Of course, the crowd didn't make it any easier, but he was growing nervous and he hoped Nog would be there to hear him.

Nog came rushing downstairs as quickly as he could when he heard Jake's name. he made his way through the crowd towards the bar, panting as he reached his uncle, unable to stop his disgust from showing when he saw him and Odo in a somewhat weird make out section. Still, didn't weird him out enough to stop him.

"Uncle! Uncle Quark!" he called, and they pulled away, Odo turning to face him while Quark looked annoyedly at him.

"What?!" he growled, and Nog winced. Odo did not seem to appreciate Quark's reaction. "Shouldn't you be counting the gold upstairs?!"

"I know uncle I know, but you said I could hear Jake!" he said, biting his lip. He had promised him he wouldn't miss it. "I know I did wrong by stealing your liquor, but-but... I learned my lesson! I won't do it again!"

"Quaark" Odo growled and Quark shook his head angrily.

"You are putting me in a bad spot boy!" he complained and Nog pouted. "I should not allow you to listen to the Sisko boy!"

"You promised!" he whined, looking over at the stage. Jake was getting ready. "Please?"

"Yes" Odo answered for Quark, and made a face when the bartender tried to intervene. "Go and find somewhere to seat. You are free for the rest of the evening."

Nog grinned widely and didn't even wait to hear his uncle's complaints, rushing into the crowd and sitting down on a vacant seat with a bajoran group, looking up at the stage as Jake tapped on the weird thing he had on his hand and cleaned his throat.

"H-hi" he started, and Nog grinned to himself. "My name is Jake Sisko, I believe you all... know me" he continued, clearly nervous. "For today's performance I prepared a song... one that is very old, from earth. The 19 hundreds. It is dedicated to my best friend... if you're there, t-this song is for you."

Nog's eyes widened and he looked forward at the stage with even more attention, his ears twitching with excitement. Jake cleaned his throat again and the music started, slow and somewhat dancing, and Jake swayed from one side to the other as he breathed, getting the timing.

"Take it easy with me, please. Touch me gently, like a summer evening breeze. Take your time, make it slow... andante andante, just let the feeling grow.

"Make your fingers soft and light, let your body be the velvet of the night... touch my soul, you know how. Andante andante, go slowly with me now..."

The song was melodic, hypnotic, and Nog couldn't let his eyes drift away from Jake at any second. He wasn't the best singer he had ever heard, in fact Ferengi had quite the ears for music, but the lyrics and the soft, gentle way he sung made Nog's heart skip a beat. And everyone in the bar seemed frozen, watching amazed by Jake's feelings.

"I'm your music, I'm your song! Play me time and time again, and make me strong. Make me sing, make me sound... andante andante, tread lightly on my ground... andante andante, oh please don't let me down.

"Make me sing, make me sound. Andante andante, tread lightly on my ground... andante andante, oh please don't let me down... andante andante... oh please, don' let me... down..."

The song came to a slow, sweet end, and Jake put the microphone down, looking around at the crowd as it burst into cheers. His father stood up and clapped hard, whistling suddenly, and he could see all his friends in the crowd, waving and whistling and cheering even while Keiko came over to get his microphone back.

"That was incredible Jake! Beautiful!" she whispered, smiling at him, and he smiled back at her nervously before handing her the microphone. He rushed down the stairs and looked around before sitting next to his dad, still confused and looking for Nog.

"Jake that was beautiful" Ben said, holding his son's hand, and he looked at him with a small smile.

"Thanks dad, I... I practiced a lot" he said, but his attention was on his surroundings. "You didn't see-"

"I believe, if I may" he heard Garak from behind them, and turned to face the cardassian, who was giving Jake a smile "that I saw your little friend coming downstairs right before you sang. Maybe you should speak to his uncle, to see where he is" he winked, and Jake felt himself warm up again but smiled.

"Yeah, thanks Garak. Dad I'll be right back" he said, pulling away and rushing off into the crowd. Ben watched him leave, knowing very well he would not be coming back any time soon.

"Being young and in love. It's the sweetest thing, even though he is in love with a baby troll" Kira said, smiling to herself, and Ben shook his head while Jadzia and Julian grinned to one another.

"Major, be nicer to your youngsters" Garak said, and she groaned at him while their partners pulled them closer to avoid any fights. Ben just chuckled and shook his head, looking back at the stage.

After having a quite short talk with Quark (who seemed more concerned in sucking the life out of Odo's face than actually helping Jake at all), he was able to get some information about Nog's whereabouts. He looked through the back crowd, with no luck, and it wasn't until he looked up that he saw Nog on the second floor, looking down, waving his legs around.

Jake rushed to the stairs and made his way up as quickly as he could, sitting down next to Nog and looking at him expectantly.

Nog, however, seemed quite calm.

"Hey" Jake said, and Nog looked at him. "Did you see my performance? Did you like it?"

"I saw it, but I don't understand human music a lot. Specially old music" Nog said, smiling at Jake. "Also, good call calling her your 'best friend'. I bet she enjoyed it."

"Her? Her who?" Jake asked, confused, and Nog chuckled with a nudge on his arm.

"The girl you sang for! Come on Jake I don't understand human music but I know how to listen to lyrics! It's about love, and it's clear it was for some girl you like! Now, who is she? Maybe I can get you on a date!"

"Nog, there's no girl."

"What do you mean there's no girl? You said it, the song was for your best friend and the song is about love or touching or whatever you humans liked to do in your 19 hundreds!" he said, lifting his hands and hitting them on the rails again. Jake sighed.

"Yeah, it is a love song and it was a love confession. But there's no girl."

"Then... a boy?" Nog asked, eyes widening. "You have a best male friend that isn't me?! How come I never heard of him? Also your taste in partners is quite... unappealing-"

"I don't have any other best friend! Not boy or girl or non binary!" Jake exclaimed, loudly, and stood up angry and humiliated. Oh, that hurt. "The song was a love confession to my best friend. You. But clearly you don't care."

Jake made his way down the second floor as quickly as he could, feeling the tears rise up in his eyes. Clearly that had been an awful idea, and he would never be anything but a hooman friend to Nog. He ran as quickly as his legs allowed him to go, he knew he shouldn't cry like this, but he felt like it because his chest was hurting and he had never felt anything like this before.

It was frustrating.

It took Nog almost an hour to find Jake again. After the human had not only yelled at him, but also confessed, he felt like an idiot and wanted to talk to him further. Of course he would have never suspected Jake would be singing to him, no one had ever liked him before! No one had ever expressed any type of romantic love towards him at all, and rarely he got any platonic or fraternal love either by how crude and rude the ferengis were, so he didn't quite understand what Jake meant until he spelled it out.

And even worst, he would never expect his feelings to be reciprocated. To him, Jake was far beyond his reach since day one. Somehow he got lucky Jake decided to be his friend, and now, he seemed to want more even though Nog would have never expected anything like that from him. Nog was, well, crude and rude as any ferengi, but he was also stupid, he didn't know math or how to read, he didn't understand biology or history, he didn't have the lobes for business... he never believed or even hoped Jake would ever like him!

But now that he knew he did, he was afraid his stupidity would once again ruin whatever they had.

However, he did learn some things with his ferengi relatives, and he also knew Jake wasn't all that smart either. Well, he was, but not when it came to every day stuff. So, he hid in the most obvious place he could: in the observation tower, where they liked spending evenings watching the stars. Nog approached the room silently, looking around and finding Jake like a shadow in the middle of the room, illuminated only by the stars. He approached, his ears capturing the sound of soft sniffles, and felt even worst for making Jake cry.

If he couldn’t fix it, he would never forgive himself.

Knowing a surprise would not be appropriate, he gently pushed a box nearby to make a sound, and Jake jumped and turned around, wiping his tears to look at him.

"W-who is... Nog?" he asked, his voice softening at his name, and Nog nodded slowly. Jake then turned back around, wiping his eyes. "What are you doing here? What do you want?"

"Jake I-"

"You don't have to say it. I get it. I understood the moment I told you that you didn't like me the same way. It's obvious now, why would you like anyone like me? I'm a male, I'm a human, I don't care about profit or whatever else you Ferengis care about..."

"Jake, that is not-"

"You don't have to make me feel worst Nog! I already feel well ashamed and upset!" he said, and even though Nog sat down next to him, he didn’t move. "I just... hope I didn't ruin our friendship."

"You didn't" Nog assured, tapping his shoulder, and Jake looked at him with tears glistening in his dark eyes. "Jake, I... I didn't mean to make you feel upset, or-or ashamed! I just... never expected-"

"Me to like you... yeah, I know" he whispered and wiped his tears. "I never expected you to like me back. I guess one of us was right."

"Jake, no-"

"I don't wanna hear it, I'm fine with this rejection as it is" Jake said, sighing and looking up at the stars. Nog frowned, frustrated that Jake wouldn't listen to him.

"Jake I-"

"No Nog."

"But-"

"Nog I don't want to listen!"

"J-"

"Nog!"

That was it. Nog held Jake's face and turned his head around to face him, and Jake looked at him surprised, but it was a look that soon disappeared when Nog leaned in and pressed their lips together. He closed his eyes tightly and just waited for a response, since he was aware he was not good at kissing, but eventually the shock wore out and Jake responded, moving his lips ever so slightly and tilting his head. His hands came to rest on Nog's shoulders while Nog's remained on his cheeks, until they both pulled away and looked at each other, surprised and also radiant.

"You should have let me finish" Nog said, and Jake smiled brightly at him.

"And miss that? Not at all" he giggled, and Nog giggled right back before they met up again, kissing once more now that they knew how each other felt.

And they remained the rest of the event (and even longer after that) in the observation toward, kissing and giggling and getting acquainted with this new relationship that had blossomed.

By the end of the talent show, Ben had joined his two favorite couples for a round of food and drinks, on the house. The parents and children had already left, and Quark brought up something for them to chew on, sitting with Odo and the rest of the officers. Kira was basically asleep on Jadzia's chest, while the others talked and drank in the quiet of the night.

It was Odo who brought the subject up.

"Your son, commander. I have not seen him since his performance" he said, making Ben share a knowing look with Jadzia. Before he could answer, Garak interrupted.

"I'm sure he is well taken for, Odo. He was looking for Nog when he left" he said, and Odo nodded.

"Yes I know. That is what worries me" he explained, receiving a flick on the arm from Quark.

"Don't be like that! My nephew is one of the few good ferengis I know, and I'm not counting myself" he said, and shook his head while Julian chuckled.

"Hopefully the two of them are... discussing some issues that need to be resolved" he said, winking to Dax who smiled and nodded.

"Hopefully."

"Could we join you?" they heard Miles saying, and pulled their chairs around to fit another two while Kira complained and found a way of climbing on Jadzia's lap, falling asleep tangled on her girlfriend. No one seemed to mind, and Keiko and Miles joined the group after closing off all the necessary equipment for the event.

They spent the rest of the evening talking, laughing and enjoying each other's company without thinking much about the problems that could come ahead. After all, it was rare to have such a calm night to enjoy.

And sure, they didn’t see Nog or Jake until the next morning, but Keiko knew the night had been productive when she saw the two boys walking into her classroom with their hands tangled together.

She decided then she should make those events more often.

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