#I mean honestly. Kind of slay of her to kill her and her sons abuser

[clownsnake]

OOOH HES YELLING

(Spoilers for Orv in the tags, bc I’m commentating now I guess)

[solena2]

So.

Tommy isn’t Theseus. Every time I see Techno’s analogy about Tommy being Theseus brought up I’m filled with endless rage and I’ve DECIDED!

That it’s about time I explained just why it’s so objectively incorrect.

-

First: a bit of backstory on Theseus, because I doubt many of you actually know much about him beyond what Techno said in his “so you want to be a hero” speech, which left out a lot of relevant details.

Theseus was a demigod with two fathers and one mother. His fathers were king Aegeus of Athens and the sea god Poseidon, and his mother was Aethra, Aegeus’ wife. Aethra raised Theseus on her own, far from Athens to avoid him being assassinated.

Aegeus left him nothing but a sword with the Athenian crest and a pair of sandals, buried under a rock so no one else could get them.

When Theseus came of age, he took the sword and sandals and headed up to Athens, slaying various monsters along the way. (It pains me to abbreviate it that much, but Techno left out everything before the Minotaur so it won’t help me much in debunking his analogy.)

Once he got to Athens, he met up with his dad, chased out his stepmom Medea, (yes, that Medea) and killed some people. Then comes the relevant part.

Crete had won a war against Athens a while back, and because of this, every seven years Athens was forced to send 14 tributes to be killed by the Minotaur. (Yes, this inspired the Hunger Games)

Theseus decided he’d volunteer and kill the Minotaur, thus ending the tribute system for good and getting one over on Athens. He promised his dad that if he won, he’d come back in a ship with white sails, as opposed to the standard mourning black that signified the death of the tributes.

So he went to Crete, met king Minos and his daughters Ariadne and Phaedra, and got sent into the labyrinth. Ariadne gave him a magic ball of string that kept him from getting lost, allowing him to find the Minotaur and then safely get out afterwards, providing he could kill it.

He killed it, led his other 13 tributes out, and sailed back home. On the way, Athena told him to leave Ariadne stranded on a tiny island in the middle of the ocean, so he immediately did so, because Theseus was an asshole.

He got home, his dad committed suicide because Theseus forgot the white sails and his dad assumed he’d died, Theseus became king and married Phaedra, and then the fun began, because again, Theseus was an asshole.

First, he cheated on Phaedra with Hippolyta, queen of the Amazons, so she left and took the kids. Next, he and his other asshole friend Pirithous decided to kidnap themselves some new wives. Theseus decided on Helen of Troy, who was a child at the time, and Pirithous decided on Persephone, which resulted in both him and Theseus getting stuck in the Underworld for a while due to pissing off Hades.

Once he got back up, he killed his son for fucking his wife, which is messed up on many levels, and then left Athens because his people were rightfully not super okay with that.

Then he goes and meets Lycomedes, who throws him off a cliff.

-

Next, let’s talk about Techno’s speech a bit.

He starts off by accusing Tommy of being a power hungry dictator (paraphrased), before asking him if he wants to be a hero.

Then, he provides what is apparently the archetypal example of heroism, something often associated with selflessness, kindness, and generally giving at least one singular solitary fuck about other people.

Theseus! Heroic hero who does heroic things, like, uhhh *checks notes* cheating on his wife, kidnapping children with plans to forcefully marry them, leaving people alone on tiny islands with no supplies, killing his kid, etc. etc...

So we’re off to a great start.

Then, he gives a short summary of Theseus’ life and times! He skips the first part of his life completely, which is hilarious to me because it’s the only time Theseus ever did anything actually heroic or selfless, and gets straight to the meat!

“Let me tell you a story, Tommy. A story of a man called Theseus. His country was in danger, he sent himself forward! Into enemy lines. He slayed the Minotaur! And saved his city. You know what they did to him, Tommy? They exiled him. He died in disgrace, despised by his people. That’s what happens to heroes, Tommy.”

-Technoblade

So first off, he doesn’t mention... really anything other than the Minotaur and the exile, which is leaving out a lot of relevant details, like why Theseus was exiled. (You know, killing his son in cold blood?)

Second, he doesn’t give details in general. Not that he should’ve given a full telling, or anything, but I’m always surprised by the shortness of this speech when I go back and listen to it. He pretty much just gives the barest bones of an argument and expects his audience to take it at face value. (Which they do, but it’s still bad practice)

From the more accurate (if still brief) summary if Theseus’ life I’ve just given, I’m sure you can see why this might be more than a bit dubious, as an analogy. Given cc!Technoblade is literally an English major, and doubtless knows significantly more about the myth than I do, I’d imagine this was never intended to be taken at face value.

Over and over again, c!Techno proves himself to be an unreliable narrator, and over and over again, the fandom at large takes his word as gospel.

-

Now, as far as a more in depth argument for Tommy as Theseus goes, I will attempt to debunk that as well, because there are some genuinely good points to be made.

First of all, most people make Dream out to be the Minotaur. Given the time this speech was made, I imagine Schlatt was the intended target of that, but with latter events in mind, Dream does make much more sense.

I’d say this is honestly pretty fair, but I don’t think Tommy takes the role of Theseus in that narrative. I’d argue he’s much more analogous to the role of Ariadne, giving the tools required to defeat Dream but ultimately not doing so through his own power, but because someone chose to take those tools and make use of them. This also provides the very interesting characterization of Punz as Theseus, which is an incredibly unique take that I hope some a Punz enthusiast does something with, because I don’t know enough about his lore to make a good analysis on that.

The idea of Schlatt as the Minotaur, as was probably intended by Techno at the time, makes much more sense, though I still think other characters fit the role better. Firstly, Schlatt wasn’t killed, he died of a heart attack, and if someone had killed him I think it’s more likely to have been Wilbur or Techno who did it than Tommy, as Tommy was still very hopeful and idealistic at the time, at least compared to his character now. You could posit Tommy as Ariadne again in this situation, given he was the one to mastermind the final charge, and though I think Tommy as Ariadne is an idea that’s worth further exploration, I’d say Fundy futs the Ariadne role here much better, with him giving the spy’s diary before being effectively shunned and left out in the cold by both Pogtopia and Manburg, much like Ariadne was abandoned in the original myth.

I’d posit the Theseus in this scenario as Techno, Wilbur, or possibly Philza, as they were the ones to actually kill things in the 16th, though Techno and Wilbur’s killings were more in the metaphorical sense, taking the second life of L’manburg.

As for the exile, Tommy exile was alike to that of Theseus only in concept. Both were sent from their kingdoms for a crime, resulting in a falling out with someone close to them, and had a precarious relationship with heights while they were gone, but that’s about where the similarities end and even then they’re superficial.

First of all, Tommy’s exile was far more because Dream was looking for an excuse to do it than because briefing actually means anything on the SMP, given how Dream had been griefing bases and blaming Tommy for it for a while before it went down. (Fun fact, Bad and Skeppy were going to burn one of his discs over this, but one of them got sick so they had to cancel the stream.)

Theseus’ exile, on the other hand, was entirely deserved, especially when you consider how serious a crime killing family was in Ancient Greek culture. It was pretty much the biggest no-no in existence, and I’m almost surprised he wasn’t just straight up executed for it.

Second, Tommy’s falling out with Tubbo was almost entirely due to outside forces, (Dream) rather than because anything Tommy had done. Though Tommy’s cavalierness towards the trial and attempts to threaten Dream with Spirit doubtless didn’t help things, Dream surrounding L’manburg in obsidian walls and threatening them to exile Tommy was entirely his own choice, and not something that can be pinned on Tommy, no matter what the apologists may say.

Meanwhile, Theseus’ falling out with Phaedra had begun long before his exile with him cheating on her. Him killing his son was merely the last in a long line of dominos to completely destroy their relationship.

Last, Tommy nearly killing himself is very different from Theseus being pushed off a cliff. Tommy’s near suicide was the direct result of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of c!Dream for what was canonically, I believe, several months? (Correct me if I’m wrong on that one.) Tommy almost jumping off a pillar because he was deliberately isolated from his support systems is nothing like Theseus being killed because he was a cocky asshole who thought he was god.

-

So that’s why I don’t think Tommy is anything like Theseus, and why I’m filled with endless rage by the completely uncritical acceptance of this parallel, but it’s not the whole reason it pisses me off.

It also pisses me off because, as stated earlier, cc!Techno is an English major. He knew what he was doing with this. The fandom’s insistence on refusing to acknowledge his character as an unreliable narrator is, in my opinion, acting as a massive kneecap to what could be a great analysis of how he thinks.

Specifically: why does c!Technoblade think Tommy is like Theseus?

Of all the Greek heroes to pick, why that one? Was it just the tantalizing opportunity to parallel Schlatt with a horned monster, or was it because c!Techno has some genuine in-character reason to think this myth specifically applies to Tommy.

Now, we all know people in the SMP have a habit of analogizing Wilbur and Tommy. The assumption Tommy wanted to be president, the belief that Tommy nominated Tubbo directly, the belief that he was intentionally deceiving Techno about Pogtopia’s intentions regarding Manburg... all of these stem from Wilbur. There are more cases of this, of course, but several analyses have been done in the subject already, and this is long enough without more padding.

So why does Techno think Tommy is Theseus? Well, it’s simple, isn’t it?

Wilbur is Theseus.

To be continued, because this is already too long and my brain hurts.

[jasontoddiefor]

Hi, i hope I don't bother you! I just read about your jedi!palatine Au idea and honestly it sounds amazing! Can you write a bit more about it/ elaborate it? Thanks! :D

You don’t bother me at all!!! Honestly, I love getting asks and talking about ideas! Everyone is always welcome in my inbox :D

And yeah, I’ve actually written the first scene of how I’d start the story? Here we go!

Luke had never been good at hating people. It took effort for him to actively hate somebody, to want to destroy them no matter the cost. Ben said it made him a good Jedi, Leia thought it meant he had a bleeding heart.

The only person Luke might have truly hated was the Emperor. So much suffering, so much death were his fault. There wasn’t a single person whose life hadn’t been ruined by him. It must be hate, Luke was sure.

But now he could only feel pity.

“They’re dead,” the child cried. “He killed them. He- he-.”

The boy couldn’t be much older than twelve, maybe even younger. His clothes were covered in his family’s blood and his throat quickly turning blue from the abuse he’d suffered.

Luke could end it now. Prevent so much useless pain and death with just one hit with his lightsaber. Cut down the source of almost a century of pain as easily as he had slayed his Master and yet-

“You’re safe now,” Luke said.

He crouched down and turned off his lightsaber. He had dealt with enough scared children since he’d joined the Alliance, the New Republic.

“He cannot hurt you anymore.”

The boy looked up at him with watery brown eyes.

“Who- Who are you?”

“Luke Skywalker-“ Kriff, should he have gone with a code name? Too late for that now. “-I’m a Jedi.”

Jedi, still known as peacekeepers, diplomats, teachers and mentors. They didn’t have a reputation as terrifying one-man armies yet. If Luke had anything to say about it, they also never would.

Regardless, the boy knew that Jedi were supposed to be good. As soon as the words had left Luke’s mouth, the boy flung himself into his arms, and started to cry terribly.

“It’ll be alright,” Luke tried to sooth him and stood up.

He ensured that the boy’s face was hidden in Luke’s robes, that he wouldn’t see his parents’ or their killers’ body. He had suffered enough.

Luke left the Palpatine estate behind, the child still clinging to his robes, almost 80 years in a past that would never come to be now.

X

So that’s what I wrote! The idea behind that is fairly simple actually? I looked through Wookiepedia for background info on Palpatine’s early life and I’ll be honest, it didn’t make much sense to me. He had not much family to speak of and wasn’t trained. It just seemed strange that despite being from a prominent family, and apparently so Force-sensitive that Plagueis was like “I want that” the Jedi weren’t familiar with him? So I figured, it would have made more sense if Plagueis abducted him and then I got thinking “wait. what if I fix that”. So Luke travels back in time - accidentally - kills Plagueis and figures good parenting can go a long while.

So Luke shows up at the Jedi temple after travelling with Sheev for a while like “yes, I’m totally a Jedi and this is my Padawan” and makes it his goal to annoy the Council into fixing their relationship with a Senate. He might have only experienced like 2 years of the New Republic before he was brought to the past, but Leia and he had made plans about how the Jedi should be treated.

So Luke tries his best at politics while teaching his Padawan. And, you know, some Force abilities are just innate in general. Used for the dark or light - doesn’t matter. And Sheev is a genius at mind tricks - and it worries Luke.  He knows what he could become and he does his best not just to prevent it, but to teach him better. So he decides he has to teach his dear Padawan how to use those powers responsibly and to show him what it means for someone to be without control.

So, by accident, he creates the Senate and Jedi Council’s biggest headache: Jedi Master Sheev “I will personally eradicate slavery” Palpatine, second only to equally “sorry what are rules I follow the first” Qui-Gon Jinn. Did you know they are the same age? I didn’t. They’d probs be the kind of friends who also hate each other. Either way:

Because turns out showing a teenager who had a nice childhood, got traumatizes terribly, and then a nice Jedi Master that slavery exists and is horrible makes him find his capital P Purpose.

(Luke is proud but also can understand how one man managed to trick everyone. Seeing a seventeen year old talk somebody out of owning slaves opens your eyes.)

And Sheev then gets a reputation for leaving the Jedi Temple with a couple thousand credits and coming back with dozens of newly freed slaves. He has a knack for picking up force sensitive people.

Luke is An Old Man, 80ish and not on the council anymore because  “I’m too old” *side eyes Yoda*, but helps out in the crèche. He teaches maybe one or two other Padawans, or spends a lot of his days seeking out other Force traditions and learning from them. He brings back his own grandpadawan from such a trip. Sheev and Maul make the strangest pair together but they work.

But yeah, one day while Luke is teaching a class and Sheev just decides crash the lesson asking “Master, didn’t you say your family was from Tatooine?”

“Yes, why?”

“Did you have any siblings by chance?”

“Sheev, What’s going on.”

“I just freed a mother and her son, both are highly Force sensitive.”

And then Luke gets to meet small three-year-old Anakin Skywalker and the weight he’s been holding for decades finally lifts from his shoulders as he figures that he has actually done it.

And idk maybe out of sheer spite or the Force what do I know, Luke manages to get old enough to see his younger self and sister be born and he dies peacefully, knowing that all is well.

Nothing Bad Ever Happens.

The End.

[fyeahhozier]

The Irishman is deeper and darker than he's maybe been given credit for... but the geniality and swoon factor remain high.

Variety: Hozier Proves He’s a Career Artist in Gratifying Greek Show

At Hozier’s sold-out show at L.A.’s Greek Friday night, one of the first things you couldn’t help noticing on stage —because it’s still an anomaly — was that his eight-piece lineup was half-male, half-female. Knowing his penchant for socially conscious songs, his decrial of “the anthems of rape culture” in his lyrics, and a general female-friendliness to his appeal, it’s easy to figure this gender parity is a conscious one and think: That is soooo Hozier. Which it is … and so effective, too, like just about every choice he’s made so far in his short, charmed career. On the most practical level, if you can bring in that much female harmony while also getting ace players in the bargain, why wouldn’t you? But it also makes for a good visual emblem of some of the other dual energies Hozier is playing with in his music: darkness and enlightenment; romantic hero and cad; raw blues dude and slick pop hero. He’s got a lot more going on than just being an earnest do-gooder. (Although he does do good, earnestly.)

During Friday’s hour-and-three-quarters set, Hozier focused largely on material from this year’s sophomore album, “Wasteland, Baby!,” which sounded good enough on record but almost uniformly improved in the live experience. Sometimes the upgrade came from making full use of the multi-instrumentalists on hand. The first album’s “Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene” now had Hozier on guitar facing off against violinist Emily Kohavi, trading solos — and if it’s hard to hear an electric guitar/fiddle duel without automatically thinking “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” it was one of many welcome moments making use of the MVP skills of Kohavi, the newest addition to the band. Other times, the improvements on the album versions just had to do with Hozier allowing himself louder and gutsier guitar tones. He’s a bit like Prince, in that way — someone you’d happily listen to playing a very nasty-sounding six-string all night, although he has so many other stylistic fish to fry, which in this case means a still slightly greater emphasis on acoustic finger-picking.

For somebody who made his name on as forlorn but powerful an anthem as his 2014 breakout smash “Take Me to Church,” and who can milk that melodrama for all it’s worth, Hozier has a lot of other modes he can default to. He treads very lightly into the area of soul with songs like “Almost (Sweet Music),” the lyrics of which consist of either name-checking or alluding to some of the great jazz vocal classics of the 20th century, in an idiom that’s not so much jazzy itself as folk-R&B. You could almost cite it as the subtle kind of Memphis-swing thing Justin Timberlake should aspire to, if the tricky polyrhythm and oddly chopped up meters Hozier adds as wrinkles weren’t so un-replicable. Bringing up Stevie Wonder’s “Living for the City” as the night’s sole cover also established that early ‘70s era and sound as an influences he’d like to make perfectly clear. At the other extreme, this son of a blues musician can hard back to those roots so well, in noisy numbers like “Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue)” and the brand new “Jack Boot Jump,” that he could give the Black Keys a run for their money.

“Jack Boot Jump,” which is scheduled to go on an EP of completely fresh material that Hozier said he plans to put out before Christmas, was possibly the highlight of the night, even though — or because — it stripped his excellent band down to just him and longtime drummer Rory Doyle. Having earlier played the current album’s “Nina Cried Power,” which is maybe more of a tribute to other historic protest songs than one of its own, Hozier gave a lengthy introduction to “Jack Boot” indicating that he’s aware of the traps that come with the territory. “I do have some reservations about the words ‘protest song’ and ‘protest music,’” he admitted. “But if you’re familiar with an artist called Woody Guthrie, he wrote the evergreen anthem ‘Tear the Fascists’ down. I was kind of looking into songs in that sort of tradition, that singing out, and I was worried that this is 2019; it’s a very unsubtle way to approach songwriting.” But, he added, “it was a funny few weeks, with 70 people shot in Hong Kong and arrests obviously in Moscow; Chile now at the moment also. And I was thinking, forget about subtle art — what is not subtle is this murder of protesters, and what is not subtle is the jack boot coming down in Orwell’s picture of the future: ‘If you want to imagine the future, imagine a jack boot stomping on a human face forever,’ that chilling quote from ‘1984.’ Anyway, I was just thinking, yeah, f— it, it’s not subtle, but let’s do it.” His electric guitar proceeded to be a machine that kills fascists, and also just slayed as maybe the most rock ‘n’ roll thing he’s written. (Evidence of the new song on the web is scant, or should be, anyway, since he begged the audience “in good faith” not to film it.)

If there’s a knock people have on Hozier, it tends to be the sincerity thing. He’s a nice guy who’s finishing first, which doesn’t necessarily help him become an indie-rock darling or Pitchfork favorite. (Predictably, “Wasteland, Baby!” got a 4.8 rating there — that’s out of 10, not 5.) At the Greek, there was an almost wholesome feeling that would’ve been an immediate turnoff to anyone who insists on having their rock rough, starting with his graciousness in repeatedly naming the band members and repeatedly thanking his opening act (Madison Ryann Ward, a fetchingly husky-voiced Oklahoman filling in on this part of the tour for a laryngitis-stricken Freya Ridings). That extended to a sense of uplift in many of the songs that doesn’t always match the themes of the material. But then, there was the impossible good cheer and attractiveness of the young players, to match Hozier’s own; this is a group where everyone looks as if they could be in Taylor Swift’s band or actually looks like Taylor Swift. The swoon factor in Hozier’s appeal is undeniably high, and it’s safe to say no one left Griffith Park less smitten.

But ladies (and gentlemen), do be aware that Hozier has some dark-side moments that can almost make Leonard Cohen look like Stephen Bishop. The only time he really overtly accentuated that in concert was in introducing and playing the new album’s “No Plan,” a love song that is also an amiable statement of atheism in which Hozier reminds his beloved that the universe is going to collapse upon itself someday. This may be rather like the gambit in which the ‘50s boy gets the girl to make out with him in a fallout shelter, but in any case, Hozier didn’t stint on the end-of-all-things aspect of it, even putting up on screen behind the band a statement from astrophysicist Dr. Katie Mack pointing out humankind’s and the galaxy’s ultimate fate. (“Honestly I never really imagined I’d end up being name-checked in a song for talking about how the universe is eventually going to fade out and die so this is all very exciting for me,” Mack tweeted in replay earlier in the year.) Suffice it to say that with that soulful a vintage ‘70s groove and that fuzz-tastic a guitar line, many babies will be conceived to the tune of “No Plan,” whether it foresees generational lines ending in a godless black hole or not.

Other Hozier songs reveal darker gets more estimable the more you dig into it. With its bird talk, “Shrike” sounds sweet enough, till you realize that a shrike is a kind of bird that impales its prey on thorns, which does add a rather bloody metaphoric undertone to what sounds like a reasonably pacifist breakup song. “Dinner & Diatribes,” meanwhile, is just deeply horny, not thorny. The most brooding song of the set, “Talk,” has verses where Hozier sings in lofty, literary terms about the romantic myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, only to reveal in the chorus that he’s talking to this woman in such high-minded terms because he just wants to charm her into the sack. As a piece of writing, it’s hilarious, establishing a devilish side of Hozier it’s good to hear. As a piece of performance, it’s just sexy.

But as enriching as it is to realize Hozier has a healthy sense of humor in his writing, bad-boy wit is never going to be what you’re going to come away from a Hozier album or show with. The main part of Friday’s concert ended, as expected, with “Take Me to Church,” his outraged take on abuse and homophobia in the scandalized Catholic church — which just happens to be easily taken as a lusty hymn to sexuality. Following that, the large band returned to a stage that had now been decked out in some kind of ivy, as Hozier talked about his love for the late Irish poet Seamus Heaney (whose last words he has tattooed on his arm) and, “since I’ve come this far,” went ahead and recited his poem “Mint,” sharing his hero’s affection for the plant and its “tenacity for life.”

Tenacity is likely to be a buzzword, too, for Hozier, given his leaps and gains as a writer-performer and seeming level head atop his tree-top shoulders. Taller still of voice, musical dexterity and good will — and still just 29 —  he’s somebody the swooners and even some cynics should feel good about settling in with for a very long Irish ride.

[hitchell-mope]

(Third movie. The ember incident)

(On the Jolly Roger. Harriet melts out of the shadows. Falls face first on the floor. She gets up. Grabs a fire poker. And immediately starts attacking everything in sight)

Harriet: I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM ALL. I WANT NOTHING MORE THEN TO GRAB THEM AND GRIND THEIR FACES INTO POISONOUS CORAL. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

(CJ has been patiently watching her sisters tirade, while silently judging her, and is now ready to say her piece)

CJ: drink?

Harriet: port if we have it

CJ: coming right up

Harriet: what’ve you been reading. A brine bloated Bronte?

CJ: a sea soaked Shelley actually

Harriet: the light is terrible in here. You should at least read out on the deck if not at the shadow man’s

CJ: you know I could but I don’t want to.

Harriet: fair is fair.

CJ: so. I take it the little convo didn’t work out?

Harriet: that little witch girl got to me before I could slay the dragon

CJ: and how would that have worked out for you? The king has magic. Then there’s her sister. And the genie. And the kid. And the specky little four eyed weirdo. Who all love her for some reason.

Harriet: because they don’t know what she is.

CJ: the daughter of Maleficent

(Harriet gives her a withering look)

CJ: ohhhh the other thing

Harriet: yes the other thing (she takes a swig of port) if they knew. About the both of them. They would never be welcome. Then the kingdom would be Harry’s for the taking

CJ: we have to tell him first

Harriet: if we ever see him again

CJ: they both knew what would happen if they hypnotised the prince. It’s twue wuv after all

Harriet: uuuurrrrgggghhhh! Gimme a Legume any day.

CJ: why?

Harriet: Deaux is 6”5 and built like a cement lavatory. You do the math

CJ: yeah. Still can’t see it.

Harriet: for that I blame Gothel

CJ: in her day mother Gothel was a very handsome woman

Harriet: if you say so. But now she’s old haggard and constantly whinging about a German lettuce.

CJ: I would also like the German lettuce. Gaddammit. Why are all the good women either too old, straight, prefer my brother or hate my guts.

Harriet: because there’s about fifty mothers here, with as many children on this slag heap there’s bound to be hetero’s, they think they can “fix” him even though he doesn’t need fixing and those people are idiots who will one day be felled by our blades

(A dustished but very old man hobbles down to the galley)

CJ: hey uncle Starkey

Starkey: good afternoon girls. Have you see your father today

Harriet: with luck he swallowed his own tongue during the night

Starkey: Harriet

Harriet: fine. I’ll go check on the bastard

(Meanwhile at the arcade. Hades has arrived just as Mal and the others left

Facillier: and where exactly do you think you are going?

Hades (Jesse L Martin): the barrier. Iris. I have a present for her. Whew. That took a lot out of me

Facillier: if you teleported then you’d not be out of breath like a common mortal

Hades: I need to get this to her before she leaves. Engagement present

(He holds up the ember. Facillier blanches and grabs the gods arm)

Facillier: my daughter is in that limo. And I entrusted her safety to the future queen. Do you honestly think I’d let you endanger my daughter because of your frankly horrendously tardy sentiment

Hades: 🎶it can be her old new borrowed and blue🎶

Facillier: it will not recognise her. Either of them. It could kill them both.

Hades: Hadie said that as well.

Facillier: how drunk was the young one

Hades: something about reed root

Facillier: oh yeah. I gave it to him.

Hades: thank you for that by the way. Now he can argue.

Facillier: you’re welcome

Hades: just wait until you kid starts boozing

(Facillier stops smiling)

Hades: ta ta

(He teleports away in electric blue fire waving goodbye as he does so)

Facillier (hurriedly): no nononononono (sighs deeply and looks upwards) I know I did wrong. And I have more then made up for it. But you are testing me. And it is not appreciated. So please. One break. I have surely earned that much?

Tremaine: FACILLIER!

Facillier (under his breath): evidently not (with a fake smile on his face and faux joviality) Lady Tremaine. To what do I owe the pleasure

Tremaine: is it back yet.

Facillier: who

Tremaine: the flesh mass I pulled out of my daughter 13 years ago

Facillier (looking and sounding rightly horrified): you mean Dizzy

Tremaine: is that it’s name? Huh. I thought we left it unnamed

Facillier: of course. Wouldn’t want to give her the illusion that you care about her would you?

Tremaine: see. You get it.

(Facillier groans inwardly)

Tremaine: so. Where is she. Is she back yet. The salon needs cleaning.

Facillier: she is in Auradon. Where she has been for a year.

Tremaine: I assumed that folly would have fallen through ages ago

Facillier: in case you haven’t noticed there is a distinct lack of unhappy starving neglected and abused children milling about.

Tremaine: I know it’s sickening isn’t it.

Facillier: not really no. There’s only so much hades and myself can do. It’s good that they’re getting out of here. We deserve it.

Tremaine: I don’t believe I deserve this fate

Facillier: and that is exactly why you do. Anyway. Haven’t you got a grandson you torture?

Tremaine: Anastasia took Anthony away. Eight years ago. As far as I know he’s in flagrante with that Hadie person

Facillier: good for him.

Tremaine: people like him should be strung up. You can clean my salon. Won’t that be nice. Your people made a name for themselves working for my kind after all

Facillier: in a single breath you have displayed homophobia and racism. So no. Clean up your own mess you privileged bitch

(He teleports her away)

Vision!Celia: she has such a bad attitude

Facillier: it’s the privilege. Ruins people.

V!Celia: you raised Celia right. Well. Right as you could given circumstances

Facillier: now she’s safe

(From outside there’s a screeching noise)

Facillier: I spoke too soon

(In the limo)

Mal: don’t tell me you brought it with you?

Evie: of course I did

Ben: brought what?

Mal: my dear little sister is belabouring under the impression that she’s my wedding planner. Ben and I have been engaged to less than a day.

Evie: your point being?

Mal: my point being is. How long have you been working on this? Since cotillion?

Evie: no not cotillion. Coronation

Mal: my mistake. Gissa look then

Evie: no! With any luck you won’t have to until the final product

Mal: ahahaha. No. Give it here.

Evie: but Ben

Mal (pitting up a hand to silence her sister): Ben dear. Would you like to know what our wedding is going to look like?

Ben: yes please

Evie (sighing): fine

(She hands the binder to her sister who starts perusing it with Ben)

Mal: let’s see now.

Ben: oh dear oh dear dear dear dear dear

Evie: what now?

Mal: white dress? Really?

Evie: what’s wrong with white? It’s classic traditional pure innocent virg...(sees the “bitch please look at who you’re talking to” expressions bal are giving her and how much Mal is pressed up against Ben’s chest) ok I see where I went wrong. So what do you suggest.

Ben: purple green and black for Mal’s side

Mal: blue and yellow for Ben’s side

Evie: but the dresses

Mal: I have some ideas. Tell me Ben. What’s your favourite dress of mine.

Ben: uhhhh. Hmmmmm. The dress you had at cotillion after you turned into a dragon

Mal: great. We use that one then.

Evie: what about the feathers?

Mal: I’m not that fond of feathers.

Evie: yeah yeah yeah. Everyone’s aware of your stance on doves. What about swans.

Mal: love her. Should’ve killed Regina though. And her daughter in law is more my speed

Ben: so is the son. Well. The season seven one

Mal: why do you think I opened with daughter in law

Evie: how did this turn into a rundown of your collective fictional crushes.

Mal: would you rather we talk about Paul Rudd. Or Mark Ruffalo? Whichever you prefer is fine with us

Evie (going red in the face and squirming in her seat): ummmm.

Mal: I’m kidding sis. Swans are fine. But dye them black blue purple yellow and green. Mkay?

Evie: yeah fine whatever

Doug: JESUS CHRIST!!!!

(Everyone follows his gaze to the back window. A women is running to the archway sending others into a panic. She’s got a glowing jewel in her hand)

Doug: who is that

Vks (except Celia): I don’t know

Celia: it’s hades

Jay: what.

Celia: gods don’t have a fixed form Jay

Mal: c’mon

(They all get out of the limo. Except Celia who’s caught by Mal and given to Carlos who puts her back in the limo)

Celia: what the hell are you doing let me help

Mal: sorry kid. Your dad told me to look after you. And to do that you can’t be here. Carlos can you take her back to the school?

Carlos: sure thing

(He gets into the drivers seat and tears away leaving the others to face the god)

Mal: what do we do.

Evie: oh I think you know

Mal: oh. Heh heh. Right

(Her eyes glow bright emerald gree. Purple smoke surrounds her. When it clears she’s a dragon)

Jay: I’ll cover Mal. Ben and Evie you two go either side. Doug. Call the guys at home. Tell them to stop filming

Doug: why would they still be. Oh ok I heard it as I said. I’ll calm them

(In Auradon Carlos has just burst out of the limo)

Carlos: gran you gotta come with me right now. Gramma could you please take Celia and make sure she doesn’t off?

Elsa: what’s wrong?

Belle: why would Celia run off?

Celia: Hades is trying to escape the barrier.

Carlos: I didn’t want to tell them just yet kid

Celia: well it’s the truth

Belle: why is he trying to escape the barrier

Chad: who’s escaping the barrier

Celia: Don’t you have a girlfriend to disappoint

Chad: she’s at the bar

Celia: then go

Chad: I’d rather stay here

Carlos: FUCK OFF CHAD

Chad: well then

Belle: chad please

Chad: oh my god HAHAHAHA SHE GONNA DIE HAHAHAHAHA

(They all look towards the jumbo screen)

Carlos: oh this is not good

(At the barrier hades is being force choked by Ben, Jay and Evie which is making him flit between all four forms. The ember is blasting Mal in the heart. She’s screaming. Doug’s putting gloves on in case it goes south. It does. Mal manages to fly above the ember blast. Hades accidentally drops it. Once it hits the ground it’s blast concentrates on Ben, Jay and Evie. Mal turns back into a human too weak to maintain dragon form and falls. Doug catches her)

(In Auradon Chad’s still laughing)

Chad: look at your freak of a queen now people. So pathetic she can’t beat a god. One who crossdresses apparently

Leah (hobbling up to them): he is right. That girl will spell destruction for us all

Belle: why are you here Leah?

Elsa: more to the point. Why are you still alive

Audrey (rushing to them): I’m so sorry. I invited her so she can apologise to Mal and oh my god what’s happening

Celia: a god, who FYI is more powerful then a genie, dark fairy, sorceress and hybrid combined numbnuts, is trying to escape the barrier

Audrey: are they ok

Chad: who cares

Carlos, Celia, Belle, Elsa and Audrey: we care

Leah: I agree with chad. Perhaps if she dies my granddaughter can retain her rightful place on the throne then our plans will not have been for naught

Audrey: you know what Grammy? Why don’t you just piss of back to Auroria. Because you are not wanted here. Queen Elsa could you do the honours? Please?

Elsa: it would be my pleasure

(She teleports Leah away in a flurry of snow)

Carlos: where’d Celia go?

(In te gym Celia melts out from the shadow just in time to see dizzy and the twins cheering at Lonnie beating Gil in a sparring match)

Celia: what the hell are you doing. (Pointing to Gil) your brother (pointing to Dizzy) your mother (pointing to Lonnie) and the object of your lust are being targeted by an escaping god.

Lonnie: wait what? How did you I

Celia: I can read people alright. It’s not a. It’s not a good thing. Especially on the island. Anyway. Hades. Escaping. Friends. In trouble. Dizz’s asshole cousin. Running his mouth. Help. Or not

Gil: help. No question. We help however we can.

Celia: good. You two do something about the stench. Dizzy the twins and I will go back outside come on guys

(She melts back into shadow along with the others. At the barrier Doug has set Mal on the ground and turned his attention to hades)

Doug: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

Hades (Sebastian Stan): it won’t stop until it’s back inside the barrier

Doug: argh I hate adults.

(He rubs part Jay and kicks the ember back inside. The momentum of the jewel hits hades square in the forehead and sends him somesaulting backwards. Ben, Jay and Evie collapse on the ground)

Hades (on the verge of tears): I’m so sorry my darlings

(Mal, eyes ablaze with fury, sends thorn vines in his direction. Hades teleports away in blue fire and the vines disintegrate when they hit the barrier. Then Mal collapses again)

Doug (going to each of them in turn): is everyone alright? I’m just gonna roll you over in your sides so you don’t swallow your tongues.

Evie (pulling him into a hug): you saved us

Doug: well my family was in trouble. It’s what we do for each other. Why would that-stone-thing-attack you guys

Mal (breathing heavily): I uh I don’t I dun kn

Ben (rushing to her side): it’s ok. It’s ok. It’s all over

Evie (scoffing): for all you know. It’s hades. He mortalised his nephew because he was jealous.

Doug: that was a bastardisation. Zeus is really the dickhead. It’s not Hades who literally swans about look for human women to prey upon

Jay: you know all this how?

Doug: I read.

Jay: such as?

Doug: tumblr. Mostly. When you manage to find your own niche away from drama you it’s very informative.

Ben: but you’re technologically illiterate.

Doug: I was not so much but that Evie and Carlos helped oh dear

(Mal’s retched and thrown up on the ground)

Mal: that was awful. It was tearing my magic out of me. It felt like last year.

Evie: I felt it too. Like a price of my soul was being ripped out

Jay: we need to get back to the school.

Doug: none of you are in any position to teleport yourselves or me. I’ll call Carlos and ask him to bring the car (he rifles around in his pockets) fucking fuckity fuck fuck shitting hell

Mal: what’s wrong.

Doug: I put my phone on the seat next to me. In the limo.

Jay: so we’re fucked?

Doug: basically yeah

Celia (in the limo): not completely

Ben: what the heck?

Celia: you really should swear more

Mal: what are you doing Celia?

Celia: I’ve come to help. Unless you want to be exposed to the elements

Jay: no thanks

Celia: then get in.

(The teens, with Ben caring Mal bridal style, all pile in the limo and drive off. None of them see the two eels watching them from the water. This is when “wicked always wins” happens)

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: Empire of Storms, Ch 28 - 29

I honestly don’t know how it can get worse from here.

So they start the real official meeting that Rowan called in Rolfe’s office, and Aelin wastes no time making me want to rip my eyes out.

[Rowan’s] face—oh, gods, [Aelin]’d missed that harsh, unyielding face

Back to Ratlin (that’s what I’m calling it from now on) splooging I see. Great. Can’t wait for multiple paragraphs of Aelin busting a nut at the thought of Rowan’s peen while SJM insists these books have a plot.

Aelin decided she didn’t particularly give a shit who was watching and rose up on her toes to brush her mouth against [Rowan’s].

UHHH WHAT THE FUCK AELIN. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MEETINGS THAT’LL DETERMINE IF ROLFE JOINS YOUR WAR EFFORT OR NOT YOU CAN’T JUST - oh forget it, I’ll just sound like a broken record.

[Aelin] just prayed she’d be able to warn Aedion before he ran into his father - who was now sitting two seats down from her, gawking at her as if she had ten heads. Gods, even the expression was like Aedion’s. How hadn’t she noticed that this spring in Wendlyn?

My monkey brain is having feels because I’m sucker for the “child is spitting image of their parent” trope..... bad monkey brain.

“And who would verify the word of a nineteen-year-old princess?” [Aelin] jerked her chin at the wax-sealed tube. “Murtaugh Allsbrook would. He wrote you a nice, long letter about it.” Rolfe picked up the tube, studied it, and chucked it in a neat arc—right into his rubbish bin. The thud echoed through the office.

LMAOOOOOO YOU GO ROLFE!!! SLAY THAT BITCH!!!! I mean considering all the shit Aelin put him through I don’t blame him not wanting to align with her.

Rolfe let out a low laugh. “The talk of young idealists and dreamers.” “The world,” Aelin said, “will be saved and remade by the dreamers, Rolfe.”

See, this is the kind of shit I would be getting excited about if this was a good series. Sounds like something straight of Les Mis. SJM can come up with some good quotes, but if I don’t care about the horrible characters and there’s no plot, why should I give a shit?

Aelin purred, “Do you want gold, Rolfe? Do you want a title? Do you want glory or women or land? Or is it just the bloodlust that drives you?”

Oh my god, SJM is a furry!

Looks like you bid on the wrong horse [Rowan],” Rolfe crooned. He flicked his eyes to Dorian. “What news did you receive?” But that wrong horse [Rowan] cut in smoothly, “There was none. But you’ll be glad to know your spies at the Ocean Rose are certainly doing their job. And that His Majesty is quite an accomplished actor.”

Jesus Christ this writing

Dorian said coldly, “For a petty grudge, you’d refuse to consider allying with us?” Aelin snorted. “I’d hardly call wrecking his shit-poor city and ships a ‘petty grudge.’”

T-this... this can’t be. I am reading Empire of Storms by SJM, right? Aelin? Having self awareness? In my SJM book? Well, it’s more likely... to never appear again.

Rolfe tells Aelin to go fuck herself and that scene ends, permanently establishing Rolfe as one of the few Well Written Characters. I want him, Darrow, Manon, and Gav to leave this shitty series and go forth to a better one.

Aelin hit the narrow hallway, a wall of muscle at her back and by her side, and faced another dilemma: Aedion.

I smell Aedion daddy issues angst over the horizon. Also, are the ‘walls of muscle’ supposed to be Rowan and... the other Fae??? God SJM stop jerking off to your own characters for 5 minutes please.

Aelin made it all of three steps down the hall when Gavriel said behind her, “Where is he?” Slowly, she looked back. The warrior’s tan face was tight, his eyes full of sorrow and steel.

Damn, I just feel really bad for Gav. Keep in mind I don’t remember why he left Aedion (if it was revealed previously) but I’m hoping SJM actually uses him and makes him a good father, this series is severely lacking in good parental figures.

But Aelin sucked on a tooth

“You don’t get to decide when and where and how you meet him,” Aelin said. “He’s my gods-damned son. I think I do.”

Nooo SJM I’m begging you I like Gav please don’t make him a toxic fuckboi pleeeeeease

Aelin just tells Gav not to order her around and that scene ends...? Okay. I hope SJM is implying Gav calmed down and respected his son’s boundaries. I just want one character to stay good and pure and to be a good father is that too much to ask.

Later Aelin goes to have a chat with Dorian.

“It seems you and I are currently without crowns, thanks to a few bullshit pieces of paper.” Dorian didn’t return her smile. The stairs groaned beneath them as they headed for the second floor. They were almost to the room Dorian had indicated when he said, “Maybe that’s a good thing.”

I mean, Dorian, you seem like a good king who would fight to defend his people. You deserve to be king. But Aelin? Yeah if she was queen her kingdom would be already burnt to the ground, so you’re half right.

They have another meeting where Rowan/Dorian share more information about the witches.

“Manon Blackbeak,” Aedion mused, “would be a valuable ally, if we can get her to turn.”

NO NONO NO NO KEEP MANON’S BEAUTIFUL SELF AWAY FROM AELIN’S CRUSTY ASS I’M BEGGING

It was never-ending, [Aelin] supposed while they dined that night on peppered crab and spiced rice.

Reading this as a Cape Bretoner was a mistake. Now I’m hungry for some good seafood..... mmmm, battered fish and chips.....

And [Aelin] was to be given nothing more than obscure commands by long-dead royals to find a way to stop it, nothing more than gods-damned months to rally a force against him.

Gods-damned is a stupid word and SJM should feel bad for abusing it. Aelin decides to make sure Rolfe’s hand maps work and the chapter ends. Next!

Too many animals loitering about the streets at this hour would attract the wrong sort of attention. But Aedion still wished that the shifter was wearing fur or feathers compared to … this.

Greaaat are we gonna get Aedion slut shaming Lysandra? Just what I wanted....

He glanced at the delicate gold chain dangling around Lysandra’s pale throat, tracing its length down the front of her bodice, to where the Amulet of Orynth was now hidden beneath. “Admiring the view?” Aedion snapped his eyes up from the generous swells of her breasts. “Sorry.”

The only reason Lysandra is wearing the Amulet is so Aedion can drool over her boobies. I’m right and you all know it.

“Rowan claimed Rolfe would find the amulet interesting enough to go after it.” “Rowan and Aelin have a tendency to say one thing and mean something else entirely.” Aedion heaved a breath through his nose.

Aedion actually criticizing Aelin?? What the fuck is going on??

Lysandra gets pissy when Aedion points out she’s tired. Not even to condescend towards her, he’s actually concerned, so calm down, Lysandra. We get an ““““explanation”“““ for Lysandra’s shifting powers.

Each shift took something out of Lysandra. The bigger the change, the bigger the animal, the steeper the cost. Aedion had witnessed her morph from butterfly to bumblebee to hummingbird to bat within the span of a few minutes. But going from human to ghost leopard to bear or elk or horse, she’d once demonstrated, took longer between shifts, the magic having to draw up the strength to become that size, to fill the body with all its inherent power.

Better than nothing, but... how does shifting into bigger animals exhaust her but shifting into smaller animals doesn't? Each time the mass of her body is changing, so shouldn’t shifting in general exhaust her? Btw, read Animorphs, it’s a great gritty series that deals with shifting powers way better.

Aedion, however, stiffened slightly as those steps grew closer, and he found himself staring at the son of his great enemy. King, now.

This is confusing as fuck. Stop referring to Dorian as king and use his name so we can understand who Aedion is staring at, thank you.

[Aedion] reined in his scowl as he said to the king, “So, you and Whitethorn didn’t kill each other.” Dorian’s brows scrunched. “He saved my life, nearly got himself burned out to do it. Why should I be anything but grateful?”

Great, now we have to add Rowan splooging that isn’t from Aelin to the list.

He did not resent what she had been, what she portrayed now, only the monsters who had seen the beauty the child would grow into and taken her into that brothel. Aelin had told him what Arobynn had done to the man she’d loved. It was a miracle the shifter could smile at all.

What the fuuuuck why is Aedion portrayed as ~noble and amazing~ for not judging Lysandra based on her past? It’s common human decency to not judge people for things out of their control!! Does SJM not understand how humans operate?

Aedion tells Dorian to fuck off and he leaves, and Lysandra gets understandably irritated by Aedion being a dick.

“He stabbed Aelin. If you knew him as I have, you wouldn’t be so willing to fawn over—”

1. Dorian was, to my memory, being controlled by a demon thing when he stabbed Aelin. He was not in his right mind, and did not have control over himself. Stop holding that over his head, you prick.

2. Aedion you were an asshole too! You tripped Dorian and sent him falling into a thorn bush when you two were walking in HOF. You fucking judgemental asshole, I cannot believe I ever liked you.

Aedion’s like “b-but he was an arrogant kid” and Lysandra, being voice of reason, is like “Um, we all were as kids Aedion, including Aelin” and we litERALLY GET THIS

“I don’t care if he was as arrogant and vain as Aelin, I don’t care if he was enslaved to a demon that took his mind. I look at him and see my family butchered, see those tracks to the river, and hear Quinn tell me that Aelin was drowned and dead.” His breathing was uneven, and his throat burned, but he ignored it.

JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST. Okay, I’m not saying Aedion isn’t wrong to be weary of Dorian after what happened to his family at the hands of Dorian’s father but this is literally Aedion going “It’s only okay to be a dick if it’s Aelin! Everyone else is a bad ruler and should bow down to her uwu”

FUCKING HELL. I’m willing to bet if it had been Aelin mind controlled, Aedion would be jumping through hoops to justify her actions and convince everyone she couldn’t help herself. Assdion has no character outside of being a dick and kissing up Aelin’s ass. I fucking hat this character almost as much as I hate Aelin.

Aedion braced his palm against the wall again and leaned in to glower in [Lysandra’s] face. She did not yield an inch. “There is an order and rank in our court, lady, and last I checked, you were not number three. You don’t give me commands.”

(...) And the last I checked…” She poked his chest, right between his pectorals, and he could have sworn the tip of a claw pierced the skin beneath his clothes. “You weren’t pathetic enough to enforce rank to hide from being in the wrong.“

*Mortal Kombat voice* FINISH HIM

His blood sparked and thrummed. Aedion found himself taking in the sensuous curves of her mouth, now pressed thin with anger.

W.....

YOU TWO ARE ARGUING AND ASSDION SUDDENLY HAS A BONER OVER HER MOUTH. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HEALTHY IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM. This is nearly as bad as the “kissing a spouse during an argument instead of solving the problem” trope.

By the way, Aedion is demoted to Assdion. Aelin to Alien, and Rowan to Rowboat. I hate these characters so much.

Lysandra backed away a step, too casual to be anything but a calculated move. But Aedion tried—for her sake, he tried to stop thinking about her mouth—

WHAT THE FUCK DOES SJM THINK ALL MEN ARE HORNDOGS WHO WANNA FUCK 24/7?? This is an incredibly upsetting and inaccurate stereotype! It’s not goddamn hard to not think with your dick for five seconds jfc

Too soon—she wouldn’t want a man’s touch for a long time. Maybe forever. And he’d be damned if he pushed her into it before she wanted to.

Are you sure about that? Because a minute ago you were nearly cumming at the thought of her mouth.

Subject changes and Assdion asks if his father wanted to see him.

“[Gav] nearly bit Aelin’s head off when she refused to tell him where and who you are.” Ice filled [Aedion’s] veins. If his father had been rude to her—“But I got the sense,” Lysandra quickly clarified as he tensed, “that he is the sort of male who would respect your wishes if you chose not to see him.

*sniffles* Gav deserves to be a good father.

“What would you do?” “I can’t answer that question. My own father…” She shook her head. He knew about that—the shifter-father who had either abandoned her mother or not even known she was pregnant. And then the mother who had thrown Lysandra into the street when she discovered her heritage. “Aedion, what do you want to do? Not for us, not for Terrasen, but for you.”

I would be having feels and starting to ship them had we not had a whole scene dedicated to Assdion being a dick and nearly kissing Lysandra without her consent sooooo

[Aedion] bowed his head a bit, glancing sidelong at the quiet street again. “My whole life has been … not about what I want. I don’t know how to choose those things.”

A little late there to make me feel sympathetic towards Assdion, SJM. You CANNOT have Assdion act as an Aelin worshiping prick and then turn around and expect me to feel bad for him.

Assdion asks Lysandra to come with him to meet his father the next day and then splooges about how much he apparently cares about Lysandra.  I don’t care.

From the shadows of his hood, he monitored the alley ahead, the shadows and shafts of moonlight, bracing himself. They’d picked the dead-end alley for a reason. The girl realized her mistake a step too late. “Oh.”

The girl is Rolfe’s barmaid. She immediately leaves and they suspect she’s Rolfe’s spy. Finally, I am free from this god awful chapter.

[100lbsofsalt]

Hello yes I literally cannot sleep right now because I’m upset as hell, why am I upset? Because Erik fucking deserved better.

“Ah but he’s a serial killer that lied to and manipulated a young girl” yes, this is technically true, but sit the fuck down, buckle up, and let me rant.

Now, of course all of this varies from movie to play to book but for the sake of my argument we’re gonna go with my unpopular opinion fave i.e. the 2004 adaptation of the movie (which will likely be where a lot of people will have seen it so SHUSH).

Now, the movie boops around in time a lot but for arguments sake we’re gonna follow Erik’s life chronologically.

Let’s start off with we little bb Erik, shall we? Now, a lot of his history is only hinted at, and I’m going to try to keep my own headcanons out of this as much as I can manage, but how about how his own mother couldn’t bear to look at him. 

“A face which earned a mother’s fear and loathing, a Mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing”

Would it be wrong to assume that that means that even before momma Destler changes her infant son’s diaper she has to cover his face because she’s too disgusted to look at him. Or how about the fact it’s likely he came from an impoverished family (let’s be real those weren’t the best of times okay it’s a safe assumption he wasn’t a one percenter), and he likely didn’t have any real clothes (ahem, his burlap sack pants in the Gypsy scene?) but his mother hated his face so much she was willing to buy him a mask just to cover it? And how did he wind up with the gypsies in the first place, hmmmmm???

The movie really doesn’t say that so we’re gonna leave you to figure that out, NO HEADCANONS FROM ME TODAY FRIEND (I have so many. About this whole movie. Please come talk to me I’m very lonely.)

Now, onto the gypsy’s themselves. Can we just. Erik was what, seven? Eight? In that scene? Maybe younger? And they were brutally beating him while hundreds (Thousands, it’s not like this is the only show he’s been used as an attraction at) of people laughed at his pain. I mean. Is it hard to see why he has such a fucked up sense of morality when he spent his childhood seeing all those people laugh at his agony. And the MONKEY TOY I WANNA DIE. Okay okay. Anyway. They appear to be using a long tail bull whip which HURT okay? Those are not for people (or anything but this isn’t the post for that). Those will rip you to shreds. Now, I’m not a whip expert so I DON’T WANT ANYONE COMIN’ UP IN HERE LIKE NO ITS ___ WHIP AND ITS ____ BITCH THEY’RE W H I P P I N G A YOUNG C H I L D I DON’T CARE IF IT’S MADE OF COTTON CANDY AND RAINBOWS. Like honestly are we gonna blame him for murdering that piece of shit? For real I would have killed him for the creepy tongue thing alone and Erik suffered years of abuse at his hand, keep in mind, we only saw ONE part of ONE show, WHERE HE WASN’T EVEN STRUGGLING REALLY, we have no idea what they did to that poor boy at other shows, behind the scenes, etc. And again. That monkey toy. I wanna die.

Now, on to his living situation (here’s where we’re gonna boop around a little, we’re gonna ignore Christine’s existence a little longer). He lived, by himself, in the sewers (call them catacombs if you want they’re fucking sad gross places either way I don’t care). He was a kid, locked away from anyone else. So let’s think about this. He learned that he’s so terrible even his mother can’t love him just because of his face, he was beaten to shit and laughed at to make money because he’s so terrible, just because of his face, he watched a shit load of people laugh at his pain without trying to help (until Giry and even she only helped after he did the hard part), and then he’s locked away, alone, in a creepyass, wet, dongeon. I mean. Would you be holding it together? I sure as fuck wouldn’t. And yeah I’m sure Giry visited him and whatever but how often do you really think she went down there? She was studying to be a ballerina at a world famous opera house, she didn’t have free time, and still that’s only one person making face to face contact with him for what? 15 years? A long ass time regardless.

And now we boop to Christine. Again this part isn’t really shown, but with “whenever I’d come down here alone, to light a candle for my father”, are you willing to agree that when young Erik saw her, by herself, having little to no experience of kindness out of other people, really reached out to be malicious? He was probably scared out of his fucking mind, but he saw this little girl grieving as he’d grieved his own life, and he decided to try to comfort her. She was probably the one that came up with the Angel Of Music thing (I say probably because it’s never explicitly said, but come on, there’s no way he would have randomly come up with that, you can also listen to Emmy talk about her “latching on” because she wanted so desperately for it to be a Thing and that they really were good friends etc but I’m just gonna stick to stuff you can get directly from the movie) and he went with it. Now, there are a ton of reasons he could have gone with it (“Learn to see to find the man behind the monster this repulsive carcass who seems a beast but secretly yearns for heaven secretly, secretly dreams of beauty”..........) but none are directly stated so I’ll fuck off and let you decide.

Now, he taught her to sing. Ask any artist ever and they’ll tell you if they’re sharing their work with you they’re sharing a very intimate part of themselves with you. It doesn’t matter the style, art is personal, and he cared enough about this girl to not only show her his art but to teach it to her.* I cannot fathom that love okay and all of this from a creature who was born into a world of hate and darkness and here he is creating beauty and sharing his work I love him okay. And yes, he falls in love with her. I’m not gonna share my thoughts on that love (She was the first person to treat him like a human, to be his friend and never once did she judge him for his looks, just keep that in mind.) but he falls in love with her, more on that in a little bit.

* No One Would Listen isn’t technically in the movie so I’m not saying anything about it, but a lot of my opinions are solidified in it, so if you Haven’t heard it you need to it’s a beautiful song sung to the tune of Learn to be Lonely which Minnie SLAYS jesus shit *aggressively heart eyes* but it directly says that he wanted to share his art and teach the wold but she was the only one who listened

As for torturing Carlotta……………. I mean, me too, I can’t fault him for that……

THEIR MEETING. TIME OUT. THE MIRROR SCENE. THE CHOREOGRAPHY. THE SMOKE. THE CHANGE FROM ANGEL TO PHANTOM. THIS SCENE IS ENTIRELY MY AESTHETIC. Okay I’m good sorry. So. They go down to his home. He takes this girl. Into his HOME. He’s been mistreated his whole life and he willingly leads this girl down into his sanctuary. Think about that for a minute. 

Okay. Anyway, yes the wedding dress is hella creepy but LISTEN. He wasn’t raised with people. He’s stuck in the opera house, he doesn’t see real relationships and even if he does he only sees bits and pieces of them out of the people WHILE THEY’RE THERE he’s never seen or heard about or learned about a real proposal, he’s only seen countless operas, and you know what the fuck happens in romantic plays/operas/movies/musicals/books/stories/literally anything? They move fast, they skip time, they’re over the top. People don’t watch shit that’s real life, no one would want to see that, but that’S ALL HE KNOWS. I’ll let you think of it what you will, but I think he was genuinely trying to woo her as best he knew how.

Mask off scene. Okay. Now. Aside from the fact Gerard grabs the wrong side of his face at one point, (seriously, go rewatch it) Erik does shove Christine, which is not okay buuuuut he’s fucking terrified, and I’m not convinced he meant to shove her, more get her away from him before she saw his face. (we also get some insight on his view of himself and I. Want. To. Die.) but I’ll leave you to take what you will from that scene.

*sigh* killing Joseph is the next thing I want to touch on and this is the one where I want to boop his deformed little nose a little but… I mean… I have a couple points still. 

One: the dude was a creep

two: he went looking for him

three: ERIK WARNED THEM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS “A disaster beyond your imagination will occur” (can we talk about the dolls. Erik. Fucking nerd.)

Four: Joseph openly mocked and taunted Erik (you think he didn’t hear that no nose comment *sassy finger snap*)

Five: He grew up only knowing violence. People laughed at his pain. Again his only real knowledge is opera and again people kill in those to get what they want? He’s just a wee potato trying his best.

Now let me bash my son for a moment, he was getting what he wanted, Christine was gonna play the countess, but instead we got All I Ask of You and I died inside (There may be another rant on my utter hatred of Raoul to come but this is already 1.5k words and I’m only like halfway through the movie so MOVING ON)

Alright, so All I Ask of You Reprise is technically the next place where Erik says/does anything but let’s talk about what’s happening right in front of him right now. He’s in love with this woman. He has tried his fucking hardest, he’s made her famous, he’s tried to woo her, he’s been there for YEARS, then this rich boy with a pretty face comes in and she’s falling into his arms in no time? Like yes it’s a bit fuckboi of him but also take into account what she said about him before the actual song. (“His eyes will find us there those eyes that burn” “I can’t escape from him I never will” “his world of unending night to the world where the daylight dissolves into darkness” “Can I ever escape from that face so distorted deformed it was hardly a face”) I mean… I’d be fucking hurt and pissed… So yeah the “you will curse the day you did not do all that the phantom asked of you” is a bit much but… HE’S PISSED and hurt and heartbroken.

Why So Silent and the ring I’m going to leave at he’s fucking hurt but yes I want to boop his nose for that one too… like Erik stop being a creep no one’s chains are yours.

As well as Journey to the Cemetery and Wandering Child like here he’s wrong and I have no argument against him being wrong, my only comment is that he could have killed the taxi driver but he just knocked him out so like… Yay?

Don Juan… Okay come on he knew it was a trap so he had to have just trusted she wouldn’t go through with it but… *Sigh* SON STOP KILLING PEOPLE. AND NO KIDNAPPING TEENAGE GIRLS.

Okay but Down Once More we get to see a lot of the stuff I’ve already mentioned (his mom, how he feels about himself, etc) and he’s furious and scared and hurt and embarrassed and he’s a cornered animal at this point. His home is gone, he knows that, he has to leave and this is his last chance to get the only person who’s ever heard him, who’s ever been a friend to him and shared his love of music, to come with him. Point of No Return Reprise is another thing I want to boop him for, but he does let them go, and he does give up and let her choose what she wants to be happy with one last ditch effort of just being honest (“Christine I love you”) and then he watches them go. The only person he has in the world, leaving him back in his world of darkness.

So, in conclusion, ERIK IS A SMOL PRECIOUS BEAN WHO DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER AND YES HE MADE MISTAKES BUT HE’S DOING HIS BEST AND PEOPLE ARE FAR TOO MEAN TO HIM I HOPE HE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM