#I need to be on a remote vacation with him asap

[sunlightmurdock]

I just need him so bad, you don’t understand

[inkandpen22]

The Princess and The Pogue (Pt. 9)

Pairing: JJ x Reader / Topper x Reader

Word Count: 3.0k

Warnings: swearing, mild smut, angst, fluff

Part Summary: Y/N goes to see JJ after the party and she begins to think everything will work out

Masterlist

The Pogues are gathered around the bonfire, chatting over a couple of beers and joints. JJ keeps checking his phone every few minutes, wondering why you haven't texted him yet. You agreed for him to pick you up at your house at eleven, but he wants to wait for your text saying you're home. He's considered just going over anyway, assuming you're already there since dinner would've ended at least two hours ago. Before he has the chance to even rise to his feet to go, you and Topper roll up the driveway. None of the Pogues recognize the gray BMW, except Sarah. 

“Is that Topper dropping off Y/N?” She frowns in confusion as the car comes to a steady halt at the end of the gravel drive. 

Pope presses his fingers to his temples, wide-eyed. “Am I hallucinating?” 

“Okay, enough weed for me," Kiara declares, passing the joint to John B. 

Topper stops the car and turns to you. “You’ll be okay?” 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” you nod, collecting your bag between your legs. 

“Call or text if you need me,” he instructs, still somewhat reluctant to drop you off. 

“Will do,” you offer him a reassuring smile. 

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow," he complies, leaning over the divider and planting a quick peck to your cheek. “Love you.” 

“Love you too,” you return, granting him a kiss on the cheek as well. You climb out of Topper's car, walking toward the fire pit where JJ and everyone watch you utterly dumbfounded. “Hi guys,” you greet, slinging your bag over your shoulder. 

“Topper knows his way around The Cut?” John B pokes fun. 

“Did he drop you off to scope out the place?” Kiara grumbles. 

“He didn’t want me driving," you explain as you take a seat next to a silent JJ. "We went to Kelce’s for a little after dinner and I’ve been drinking." 

“What a gentleman,” Sarah mumbles sarcastically. 

“Hi Baby,” JJ greets you with a soft smile, wrapping his arm around your waist. 

“Hi,” you grin, leaning in and planting a kiss to his lips to which he reciprocates. 

“I could’ve picked you up,” he whispers against your lips. 

“I know," you state, parting from him for a second. "I just didn’t want to make you do the drive." 

“I’m surprised Topper let you out of the car,” Sarah snickers. 

“We came to an understanding,” you describe vaguely. 

“Oh yeah?" Kiara raises a brow. "What’s that?” 

“We’re just friends,” you reply confidently. 

“I don’t just kiss my friends goodbye...” John B mumbles under his breath. 

“We’re just friends," you reiterate, starring the boy down warningly. 

“You bet you are,” JJ agrees, pulling you into his side. “I missed you today.” 

“I missed you too," you blush, peering over to meet his gaze. 

“Movie anyone?” John B suggests suddenly rising to his feet. 

“Yes!” Sarah bursts. 

“Comedy!” Pope votes. 

“Romance!” Kiara challenges. 

“Actually," JJ sighs, standing up next to you. "I was going to head to bed, wanna come?” He asks as he glances down at you.

You hum. “Yeah, I’m pretty tired actually." 

____________________________________________

You and JJ lay in bed, facing each other as you talk about everything under the sun. You could've watched the movie considering you've been up for hours talking, not once trying to fall asleep. Yet, spending hours laying in bed, talking to JJ, is a much better pass time. 

“Fish tacos from The Wreck,” JJ answers without a moment's hesitation. 

“Ooo, you know I’ve never been there,” you confess, intrigued. 

“Really?!" JJ's eyes grow wide. "We’ll have to go ASAP! Kie’s dad makes the best hush puppies,” he dramatically gestures with his hands. 

You giggle, “sounds amazing.” 

“Okay, now your turn." JJ's arm drapes over you and rubs his hand up and down your back. 

“Hmm," you hum, thinking it over. "My grandma’s chicken and dumplings. She always made it when I was sick and it’s like a warm hug.”

“Yum," he grins. “Dream vacation?”

“Anywhere with a beach,” you answer easily. “I love to travel, but I also love the ocean so can’t be too far from it. You?”

“Surfing trip around the world," he nods, clearly having thought about it before. "I’m talking Australia, Japan, Brazil, all over.”

“Surfing world tour. Very surfer Pogue of you,” you tease playfully. 

“Would a Kook Princess like to come?” He offers with a sly smirk as his eyes fall to the small space between you. 

“Sure I’ll follow,” you accept with a soft smile. 

JJ jokingly nudges you on the shoulder with a slight blush to his cheeks. “Stop," he chuckles. "If anything you pick the places and I follow. Follow you around the world.”

“You would?” You narrow your eyes at him with a smirk. 

“What’s that Carol King song?” He tries to recall and whispers some of the words. “Where you lead...”

“I will follow," you add in a sing-songy tone. 

“Anywhere!” You both say in unison to each other, causing you two to laugh. 

JJ exhales deeply, catching his breath after laughing.“Talking to you is so easy it’s scary," he confesses, taking your hand in his between you two. 

“I never felt so understood until I met you,” you tell him. 

His brows scrunch together as he watches your hands move around one another. “You don’t think Topper understands you?”

“I do... to an extent,” you shrug, not fully convinced. “He’s known me longer, so he knows why I am the way I am, but he’s not necessarily accepting of all of it.”

“What do you mean?” JJ wonders aloud.  

“If I told him that I don’t want to go to every party and rather stay in, he’d wonder why. If I said I don’t like the Club and rather spend a day on some remote island somewhere he wouldn’t relate. I could tell you that I want to move to Guam and you’d be game for it. Some days I don’t want to have any responsibilities or social obligations which confuses Topper. He’s satisfied where he is. He’s satisfied being stationary and though I’m told I have everything, I don’t want any of it." You pause, finding yourself coming to a hard conclusion. You peer up at JJ who's eyes have left your hands and pour into you. "There has to be more right? There has to be something different out there.”

“Life beyond the OBX?" He seek to clarify to which you nod. "Yeah, there’s an entire world outside of here!”

“That’s what I want..." You whisper. "Something entirely my own and somewhere where no one knows me.” 

“Maybe we should explore it together,” he smiles gently with content. “I mean, as long as it’s okay for one person to know you.” 

“You don’t count," you blush. 

JJ releases your hand, bringing his own to caress your cheek. “I want to see the world with you." 

You lean into his touch, his warmth making you feel safe, seen, and understood. “I think that can be arranged...”

JJ shakes his head, as though he's come to a profound realization. “You’re everything to me." His words slip by in a whisper as he leans in and presses a gentle kiss to your lips, sealing his statement. 

You run your fingers through JJ's hair, pulling him in deeper. He smiles against your lips, loving your reaction. He moves to hover over you, encompassing you with his body. You take matters into your own hands and press JJ down to lay down beside you. Swiftly, you move to straddle him. A grunt leaves him and you cower slightly. 

"Did I hurt you?!" You nearly panic. 

“No, no,” he’s quick to assure you, bringing his hand to your face and brushing your hair back. 

You hadn’t noticed when he got into bed, the bruises and cuts scattered across his torso. You remember them from the Boneyard and in the hot tub. You had thought perhaps they were from Topper. 

JJ can tell that your mind isn’t satisfied. "What else is troubling you?" He frowns. "Babe, look at me, please."

"If these weren't Topper, what happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it,” he scrunches his face with a shake of the head. “Don't worry, it's taken care of,” he tries to change the subject, reaching up to kiss you. 

You gasp. "Did someone do this to you?!" You quickly realize. 

"Y/N..."JJ exhales deeply. 

"JJ, I have to know!” You argue. “If someone-"

"It was my dad okay!" He confesses. 

You heart sinks has the dark reality hits you like a ton of bricks. 

"He... he gets mad sometimes..."JJ describes, looking anywhere but you. He begins to fidget with the hem of your shirt. When... When things weren’t good between us... I picked a fight with him. It was stupid. I shouldn't have done it, but I did! I think I wanted it. At least then I could control the pain,” he explains, killing you.

You lean down and plant a gentle, comforting kiss to his lips. When you pull back, JJ stares at you, stunned by the action. You swallow hard as you slide down, keeping eye contact with him as you plant a kiss to his bruised peck. JJ’s heart begins to race as he watches you. You continue on your path to his multicolored rib. JJ’s hand brushes over the top of your head gently. Your fingers curl under the hem of his boxers as you leave a trail of kisses over his cut and bruised stomach. 

"Y/N..." He breathes heavily as his eyes fall shut. 

"Never again,” you tell him warningly as a demand. “You never go back there. Here, Kie's, Pope's, my place, anywhere else but there. Morning, noon, or night, you need a place, come to me. You hear me?"

JJ nods, too consumed in you to voice anything. 

"I see marks like these on you again, I'll kill him and they won't find the body. I've seen enough crime documentaries. I can be like Liam Nison in Taken,” you joke slightly. 

"I'm sure you could," JJ smirks, peering down at you. 

You lift yourself up to hover just above his face. You cup his cheeks, making him look you in the eyes. "I'm never going to leave you, ever! You never have to suffer alone again. I promise. Your pain is my pain. Whatever you inflict on yourself you also do on me."  

"I promise too. You're my world, Y/N,” he tells you and you know he means it. “You're my life now."

Suddenly, there's a ruckus coming from outside in the hall. The sound of the screen door slamming against the frame and shouting. 

“Hey! Hey! Hey! I’ll go get her! You stay here!” You hear John B yell. 

“Like I’d listen to you!” Another voice barks. 

You break from JJ, trying to listen. “What’s going on?” 

“I don’t know,” he frowns, peering over at the door. He climbs off of you and slips out of the bed. He grabs a t-shirt from the chair in the corner and pulls it over his head, his boxers still slightly exposed. 

“JJ, be careful!” You beg, worried that it could be someone looking for trouble. 

"I will, Baby. It's okay," he promises, heading toward the door to check it out. 

“Cool off Topper!” Pope shouts before you hear a bang. 

“Topper?” You mumble in disbelief, flying off the bed and toward the door.

“Y/N!" JJ grabs your wrist as you open the door. "Baby, wait!” 

Before he has the chance to stop you, you stumble into the hallway. JJ rushes out of the bedroom, nearly running into you. Standing at the end of it, in the archway of the living room, Topper turns his attention away from the Pogues. His eyes land on you and a wave of relief consumes him. 

“Y/N...” Your name falls from his parted lips faintly. 

“Topper...” You stand frozen. 

“There is almost an equal Kook to Pogue ratio in this house and I don’t like it,” Pope huffs from behind Topper. 

“I need to talk to you," the tall blonde announces urgently. 

You speed walk down the hall, despite JJ's efforts to stop you. “Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I just... I... uh...” Topper stutters, nervously avoiding your gaze, and focuses on the small floor space between you. 

“Have you been drinking again?" You question, coming to the conclusion he has. He smells of beer and weed, more than he did hours ago. "Did you go back to Kelce’s!” 

“I was losing my mind, Y/N!" He bursts, uncharacteristically, causing you to jump and JJ to step forward toward you. "I needed a distraction, but nothing was working!” Topper explains in a rush, all fidgety. “Can we just go somewhere to talk?” 

JJ immediately steps in, moving to stand between the two of you. “You’re not going anywhere with her!” 

“Oh shove it,” Topper snaps at JJ. 

“You forget you’re on my side of the island, Kook!” JJ barks, shoving Topper in the chest. 

“Enough!” You scream, pressing a palm to each of their chests. “For Pete’s sake!” 

“Back off JJ!” Kiara yells. 

“I just need to talk to you,” Topper pants. 

You exhale deeply, glancing between JJ and Topper. You know JJ won't approve and won't allow it without a fight, but you agree to speak with Topper. “Okay, let’s go outside.” 

JJ laughs, pacing around. “You can’t be serious-” 

“Ten minutes!” You shout at him, escorting Topper toward the door. 

“She sure told you,” Topper mocks JJ as he backs up to the exit. 

“Oh shut up,” you grumble, urging Topper through the doorway leading to the front yard. 

You and Topper settle down on the hammock, swinging back and forth on the edge, side by side. The sun has long since set and the lights in the large tree illuminate the yard. Unable to sit still, Topper rises from his spot and paces in front of you. 

“What’s going on Topper?” You ask worriedly. 

The boy stops, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck nervously. “I’m losing my mind, Y/N!" He finally breaks his silence. "I feel like there are weights strapped to me and I’m being pulled to the bottom of the ocean, struggling for air!” He rushes out in a pant. “I’ve been an arrogant ass and too scared to pay attention, but now I’m just scared and I’m afraid if I don’t tell you this now that I’ll never get a chance like this again!” 

You stand, taking his hands in yours. "Just take a deep breath!" 

He yanks his hands free of your hold, running his fingers through his hair as he paces away. "I'm about to be the most selfish person on the planet!" 

“Topper, just say it! It can't be that bad!" You try to reassure him, the pit in your stomach growing with each passing minute. You can only assume the worst. 

“I love you!” Topper bursts out, meeting your gaze pleadingly. 

A weight lifts off your shoulder. You thought it was something bad. “That's it? I love you too,” you laugh lightly. 

“No!" He stops you. "Not the way you mean it... it’s not the same! I love you!” 

Neither of you notice the Pogues hiding in the enclosed patio, watching everything go down. 

“I knew it!” Pope announces from his spot by the window. 

“Pay up!” Kiara holds out her hand to John B. 

JJ's heart sinks when he hears the confession leave Topper. He wants to run for the hills, but he can't help but observe you stand there in shock. 

Topper's chest rises and falls rapidly. “I didn’t realize it fully until I dropped you off and saw you with him. I know what I said earlier, that I’m okay with this!" The words fly out of him like a freight train going full speed. “But I’m not! I’ve been in love with you for two years! Before Sarah, during Sarah, after her!” 

“Okay ouch...” Sarah mumbles from her spot on the patio. 

“I’ve loved you since the moment I met you, I’ve just been too caught up in everything else to notice!" Topper's voice cracks with emotion. 

"You tell me this now!" You shout, growing more frustrated with each passing second. 

He sighs, "I know, I know, I'm sorry-" 

"No! You don't get to apologize!" You snap at him, utterly pissed off and frankly hurt. "You could've had me! You had me, Topper!" You correct as your eyes begin to swell with tears. "You had every opportunity to change the status quo and you didn't! You let me feel like a toy, there to satisfy you when you needed company! Yes, it was fun! Yes, it was great sex! Yes, I fed into the holding and touching, even when you and Sarah were on a break because I thought..." You swallow hard, processing what you're about to say. "Because I thought that eventually, you'd love me!" You break, tears falling down your cheeks. You finally let go of a truth you've been holding in for years now. "If I kept sleeping with you that one day you'd realize that we were more than just friends! Everyone else thought it! But you were caught up on Sarah and then it became not letting Sarah be with John B! I had to break it off after Bermuda because it was killing me! I couldn't take it anymore! I had to begin to move on!" 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot!" Topper rushes up to you, taking your hands in his pleadingly. "Tonight, feeling you again, I saw the rest of our lives and I want it! I don’t give a shit about our friends or golfing or the Club or Sarah because none of it matters if I don’t get to experience it with you!” He begs, “so pick me! Be with me! Love me!” 

You whimper, unsure of what to do or say. Everything is happening so fast. 

"You slept with him?" 

You turn over your shoulder to find JJ standing just a few feet away. His eyes glisten under the lights of the tree. He swallows hard, taking your silence as enough of an answer. He nods his head, pressing his lips together to hold back his emotions.

“You’re exactly as everyone says!” He yells, pointing at you aggressively. 

In a second, he's sprinting away down the gravel drive. You step forward, ready to run after him, but Topper grabs your wrist. 

"Y/N, don't!" He pleads. 

You yank your wrist free, before running him. "JJ!" You call, "JJ wait!" 

"Y/N!" Topper shouts, running after you. 

"JJ!" You beg for him to stop. 

"Y/N, wait!" Topper grunts, sprinting. 

"JJ!" You struggle to keep up with the boy. Soon, he disappears into the dark woods across the street and you have no choice but to halt, losing all hope. 

You fall to your knees on the gravel. The sound of Topper's feet hitting the gravel quickly approaching. You slam your fists to the ground with a scream, hitting your boiling point. How much is a girl expected to take? 

______________________________________

Masterlist

Tags: @starkeythinker @bethii1 @thegunnerkelly@cc13723things@hockeybabe87 @jolomez @plutooryectors

[some-lists]

10 Documentary Series for the Wanderluster

If you’re sick of being stuck indoors and isolated from the rest of the world, you might find yourself binge watching travel documentaries just like me.

I’ve always loved traveling. I’ve been to a handful of places, but there’s so much more out there. These docu-series will make you want to get off your butt and hop on a plane ASAP. Of course, that’s not really an option in this pandemic, but these shows can offer a nice dose of escapism right in your living room.

These are just a few available to stream that I really loved. (Btw, most of these are about food. Because I love food.)

1. Somebody Feed Phil

I love this show. Everybody Loves Raymond creator Phil Rosenthal travels to some of the most beautiful locations around the world to try the best foods. He meets with locals, expats, and world renown chefs who show him the best local dishes and their culture. Phil isn’t the best food critic. Most of his commentary consists of, “Mmm, that’s good!” But his cheery, friendly demeanor makes for easy watching as he casually befriends locals in every international city he visits. Oh, and the theme song is killer.

Watch it on: Netflix

2. Street Food: Asia & Latin America

Get ready to be hungry! Made from the same people behind Chef’s Table, this series takes you to a different country in each episode. Street Food: Asia and Street Food: Latin America are actually listed separately on Netflix. But they are essentially two different seasons of the same show. You’ll meet local street chefs who’ve made their living cooking and selling their best comfort foods on the street. They share their stories of hardship, determination, sacrifice, joys, and successes. Each episode has close ups of every dish that will have you salivating.

Watch it on: Netflix

3. Gordon Ramsay: Uncharted

Season One of this National Geographic series is currently available on Disney Plus. We see chef Gordon Ramsay travel to some remote locations, where he not only learns about their local ingredients, but has to forage and hunt them himself. At the end of each episode, we see him face off with a famous chef from each region. It’s beautifully shot with some really breathtaking views of these amazing landscapes. We see the vast Sacred Valley of Peru, majestic glaciers of New Zealand, and tropical blue waters of Hawaii. Now, if only Disney Plus would release the second season.

Watch it on: Disney Plus

4. Down to Earth with Zac Efron

Down to Earth with Zac Efron is not just a feast for the eyes, but a series that will make you think. Zac Efron travels with his friend, Darin Olien, to learn about various methods of sustainable living. We learn about sustainable energy in Iceland, fresh water in France, and blue zone diets in Italy. They also take the time to explore and enjoy the best leisure activities and cuisine in each country.

Watch it on: Netflix

5. Conan Without Borders

Conan Without Borders is a segment of his talk show that is now available on Netflix (but only the first season). Of course, you can still watch more on YouTube, but those videos are cut into shorter segments. Conan’s buffoonery is put to good use as he travels to learn about other people and their countries. His shtick is the clueless, ignorant American abroad. It’s an honesty that’s rewarding, as he shows these countries in a light few Americans get to see. He’s hilarious in each episode as he accidentally (or not so accidentally) offends, but also learns from the locals in each country.

Watch it on: Netflix, YouTube

6. Travel Man: 48 Hours In...

Travel Man has had 10 seasons, and 7 (ish) of them are on Hulu. It’s a recent discovery for me, so I’m still making my way through the episodes. Richard Ayoade travels to a different city with a different celebrity for 48 hours. They do a lot of the typical things the average tourist would do. It features transportation, checking into a hotel (usually on the higher end), seeing the sites, and exploring different foods. Most of the celebrities who join him are British, so I’m not too familiar with them. It probably works better if you know who they are, but it doesn’t matter. Richard Ayoade’s dry humor makes each trip amusing regardless.

Watch it on: Hulu

7. Jack Whitehall: Travels with My Father

British comedian Jack Whitehall takes a belated gap year trip with his 70-something year old father. The stark contrast between their personalities make for a very interesting vacation. We go on a real ride with the two as we get to know them and as they grow from the experience. Jack is full of energy and definitely more open minded of the two, but we can also see why his father gets annoyed with him. He’s a big kid and, at times, spoiled. At first Jack’s father comes across as snobby and ignorant, but we learn to laugh at his biting humor and his efforts to connect with Jack. We also get a bit of a different view of each location. We visit eccentric temples in Thailand, watch trained rats search for mines in Cambodia, check out motocross skiing in Germany, and more.

Watch it on: Netflix

8. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations

Seasons 7 and 8 of the late Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations can currently be viewed on Hulu. If you’re a humanitarian at heart, this one is for you. Anthony Bourdain is after truth. He’s not interested in commercialized tourist traps or filtered Instagram photo ops. He’s after the real place, the real people, and the real history. He visits disadvantaged populations around the world. He meets with locals, journalists, and humanitarians in each country. Their conversations are often about poverty, political corruption, and marginalization. But he also has some lighter missions as well. A trip to Naples in search of the real Italian food experience. A discovery of Croatian culinary greatness. A cook off in Tokyo between the world’s greatest chefs. What we see is not always pretty. Sometimes it’s truly upsetting. But sometimes it’s great too. Either way, it’s the truth. What Anthony Bourdain ultimately does is capture the heart of the people, something traveling tourists often overlook.

Watch it on: Hulu

9. Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner

I’m not a huge David Chang fan. I’ve only made it through one episode of Ugly Delicious. (It was the curry episode, because I love Indian food.) But I found Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner a much easier watch. It’s a lot more chill. There are only four episodes. (That helps.) He and a celebrity friend tour a different city, try the food, and just chat it up. This series focuses more on location and culture, rather than just the food itself. The personalities of his celebrity guests help provide color and humor to each episode. Kate McKinnon, as always, is a delight.

Watch it on: Netflix

10. Tales By Light

Tales By Light follows photographers around the world as they capture stunning works of art. This is a must see if you love art, especially photography. Watch humpback whales dance under water in Tonga, the colorful Festival of Holi in India, abandoned desert ghost towns of Namibia, and indigenous cultures of Australia. Season 3 is especially sobering. Photographer Simon Lister and UNICEF ambassador Orlando Bloom travel to Bangladesh to capture portraits of children in need. You’ll marvel at the beauty, but also cry for the less fortunate.

Watch it on: Netflix

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | Forbidden World (Holzman, 1982)

Forbidden World has an aesthetic that's a mix between Star Wars and Alien and a story with a little bit of the former and a lot of the latter. The movie opens with a modest bit of spectacle, a space battle in the vein of the former movie but on a fraction of the budget. At this time we're introduced to a droid, who awakens its master so they can fend off their aggressors. The droid, whose personality brings to mind a less bumbling C-3PO but whose appearance resembles that of a stormtrooper, is not an unpleasing presence but lacks the charm of the robot with a Southern drawl from Luigi Cozzi's Starcrash. Director Allan Holzman was thrust into directing the opening sequence with no script and the barest minimum of instructions from Roger Corman (something about a robot, an astronaut, four days and... Lawrence of Arabia, if he needed inspiration). What he turned out is a passable approximation of the thrills offered by Star Wars, but not much of the personality. Had the movie stayed at this level, it may have been reasonably enjoyable, but this being an '80s Corman production, the proceedings must be spiced up.

By which I mean blatantly ripping off Alien in as trashy a way as possible. The hero, some kind of space military problem solver dude, gets assigned to investigate a violent incident at a research station at a remote desert planet. It turns out that the scientists there are researching experimental food sources and ended up developing a dangerous new organism that ended up killing all the other test animals. The hero wisely suggests killing it ASAP, but the scientists prevent him from doing so, only for the organism to escape, mutate and proceed to kill off the inhabitants one by one in a series of reliably gruesome gore scenes. The organism, referred to as a metamorph (not a xenomorph, it's completely different, what are you talking about, please don't sue), starts off as a goopy black shape and evolves into a final form that equally resembles the monster from Alien and the plant in The Little Shop of Horrors. (Be warned that it looks nothing like the monster on the poster.) It's worth noting that while this lifts the plot from the Ridley Scott movie, it lacks the satirical bite of that movie and its sequel, as the motivation for preserving the lifeform is much more altruistic rather than the nakedly capitalist reasons in those other movies. It's also worth noting that like those movies, the protagonists eventually realize that the creature can't be reasoned with, but not before trying to communicate with it through a computer. (The screen flashes "Please stand by" in the movie's funniest scene.) At one point they try to stake out the creature in its cocoon, and the movie again brings Star Wars to mind with the atrocious accuracy of their blaster fire.

The 80s were the decade where Corman apparently became a full on cheapskate (rather than an astute but artistically nurturing pennypincher in previous decades), a quality I'd found visibly detrimental in Jack Hill's Sorceress from the same year. Corman's frugality here manifests mostly in the recycling of sets from Galaxy of Terror, shot here in cramped setups and bathed in garish lighting. Some may find it striking; I found it rather ugly, but at least not blatantly squalid. The cast also lacks any notable names, although those with similar tastes as mine may recognize June Chadwick, David St. Hubbins' lady friend in This is Spinal Tap, and Fox Harris, who played a mad scientist of sorts in both Repo Man and Dr. Caligari. (This appears to be better liked in my Letterboxd circle than Galaxy of Terror, but I'm afraid I can't agree. That movie has a much better cast, including a delightfully off-kilter performance by Grace Zabriskie as a hotshot pilot with PTSD, moodier cinematography and many more monsters. It does however mislead its audience less as it's actually set on a single planet like it says in the title, while the other movie suggests a galaxy-wide saga that never materializes.)

It compensates for the aforementioned lack of star power and accompanying forgettable characterizations with a greater emphasis on schlock, especially in terms of sexual content. Now, as a straight male, I won't pretend I don't find the sight of good looking ladies in the buff at least somewhat pleasing, but I would also like a movie to maintain some level of dignity in delivering the goods, and this movie definitely strains in that regard. Despite the presence of a murderous, continuously-evolving creature on the ship, both female characters make time to jump the hero's bones and later shower together while plotting how to defeat the monster (one of them rubs the other's shoulders as she suggests a new line of attack). Of course, given that the hero is supposed to be hunting this monster, it's a little disappointing that spends his time with them thusly, but in his defense, his vacation got canceled. It won't be a surprise that the screenplay was written by Jim Wynorski, whose Sorority House Massacre II is even more gratuitous in this respect and contains another great text-based gag. (The one in that movie concerns Elvis.)

The wardrobe of the female characters is also suspect, featuring at one point robes that suggest a spa rather than a research facility (although it's nice that this workplace has amenities like a sauna and a glowing space shower featured in the aforementioned scene), and a pink jumpsuit sported by Chadwick's friend. (The colour is a shade or two away from Nantucket Red, leading me to wonder if Murray's Toggery Shop delivers to that part of the galaxy.) The movie's dogged pursuit of prurient thrills does manifest in one great moment, powered largely by its weird editing style: a montage of the hero and Chadwick in a bout of vigorous lovemaking, spied on by a creepy security guy playing with what I assume is a space yo-yo, while another character regaling them with the sounds of what I assume is a space kazoo. And while I didn't find the movie all that nice to look at, the soundtrack of what I assume is space prog makes it reasonably pleasurable to listen to. Look, this isn't a very good movie on the whole, but it gets together enough scraps of enjoyment to justify its meager runtime of 77 minutes. A good enough timekiller on Tubi, perhaps paired with the superior Galaxy of Terror.

[buckythegothavenger]

Stuck With You (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Summary:You and Bucky Barnes get sent to work in a remote cabin for 3 days in Alaska, but an unexpected snow storm extends the trip an extra few days. The problem being? You two cant stand each other.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Word Count: 6.5k  

Warnings: Language, Angst, Smut,(18+) rough sex? Unprotected Sex (Wrap those willies) Such a cliche

A/N: Its winter time which means its time to write the cliche fics where they get stuck in a cabin together. Not gunna lie, this took me over 10 hours to write and edit so i hope you like it! Replies are always welcome and just let me know if you want to be tagged in my work!

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"Steve why the hell do i have to go with her? Cant you come instead, even Nat would be better than her"

"Because buck, you two have the same training, Fury thought it would be a good idea. Plus me and Nat already have a mission of our own, its only for 3 days you'll live"

"She hates the cold she's just going to bitch the whole time that shes cold and were going to be in Alaska in the middle of fucking December"

"hey if you're that mad about it then take it up with Fury"

Sighing Bucky picked up his bags and sulked out the door towards the Quin-jet that was waiting for the two of you.

Trying to pack all of your sweaters,sweats, blankets and stealth gear into your small bags proved to be nearly impossible. Sighing you sat on you bed looking over at Natasha who was raiding you fridge. "You know that you have absolutely nothing to eat right" She said closing the fridge, walking over to rummage through your cabinets. "Well seeing as i'm going to be spending the next three days locked away in a cabin, i didn't think i needed to go grocery shopping"

"Haha finally" she exclaimed finding a box of of Oreos

"You couldn't have just went to your own room? its like two doors down"

"I'm already here whats the point, plus i know your not going to eat these, youre like a health nut now" she said walking over to lay on your bed opening up the cookies in the process

"hey naaat" you say turning to her "Can you pleeease trade places with me, i mean you actually like Barnes and you know i hate the cold"

Laughing she replied "I never said i liked him y/n i just put up with him"

"Yeah but at least he doesnt act completely disgusted when you enter the room"

You quickly became friends with everyone shortly after joining the avengers, coming from the same background as Natasha, Bucky and Wanda you thought you would get along with them the best, all bonding over your hatred for hydra. But you couldn't have been more wrong about Barnes, the first couple weeks he was fine with you, nice actually. He showed you around the Avengers compound, helped set up your bedroom and even showed you some TV that you hadn't seen. One day he just snapped and stopped saying hi when you saw each other, he would always have a snarky comeback to everything you said then he quit coming to movie night. No one really knew why not even Steve, everyone just kept their theories to themselves only one of them unknowingly knew exactly why.

"Its not up to me, you know Fury deals will all the missions and the teams so if you really want to swi-"

"No no its fine, i can deal with him, its only three days" you said cutting her off. You knew that talking to Fury wasn't going to change anything plus you didn't want to seem like some immature crybaby

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Walking off the Quinjet you were immediately hit with a gust of bone chilling wind, shivering you pulled your jacket tighter around your body. This was going to be the worst mission ever. Laughing Bucky walked passed you into the snow"Stop being a little baby, its not even that cold"

Looking over at Steve with pleading eyes begging him to take you place

"Those puppy eyes don't work on me sweetheart, you know that"

"it was worth a shot" you sighed feeling defeated, continuing your walk to the cabin.

It was small but cute, as cute as a log cabin in the middle of the woods in Alaska with 2 feet of snow on the ground could be. It had simple wood floors, a small kitchen to the left along with two bedrooms down a hall, to your right was a large stone fireplace, a brown couch and recliner. Natasha helped you bring your bags to your room as Steve did the same with Bucky. You unpacked you clothes while Nat helped with your computer and weapons, "You know maybe this will be good for the both of you, you can finally sort out your problems"

"Nat i don't even know what his problem is, i never did anything to make him hate me"

"Then talk to him y/n there's no better time to do it"

"I can think of a million different times i could talk to him and this isn't one of those times"

You had only been at this place for an hour and you already had a headache, waving goodbye to Steve and Natasha as they got back onto the quinjet off to start their own 3 day mission. Walking back into the warmth of the cabin you thought that maybe Barnes was going to be nice to you for once since this is actually a mission and not a walk in the park. You both set up your equipment on the coffee table, wanting to start asap so you both could get out of here. The mission was simple, hack into a near by hydra bases security cameras and watch for a specific individual, a new enhanced human. Once that person is spotted you both need to go in and take out that problem.

The later it got, the colder it got and by now you were freezing the only heat coming from the fire place you were sitting directly in front of, for someone that controls and makes fire you were always cold

"Why don't you just do us both a favor and jump right on it huh y/n it'll warm you right up" Buck said coming around the corner wearing only sweatpants and a tank top, how the hell was he not freezing his ass off.

"Sure Barnes, right after you go ahead and jump right into that lake out back" giving him a sweet smile

"Hey come look at this" Bucky called sitting in front of his computer. Reluctantly you got up from your spot by the fire and went to look over his shoulder at the computer screen.

"Is that him?"

"I don't know maybe go ahead at look at the file right in front of you" Bucky snapped at you,

Ignoring his comments you picked up the file and looked through it, noticing a tattoo on the mans arm in the picture and telling Buck to look for it on the screen

"Yeah that definitely him, lets go and get this over with" Bucky said standing up from his seat

"What no its freezing cold out there and its pitch black, we haven't even seen this place during the day what makes you think we'll be able to see it in the dark?"

"Did you seem to forget what our fucking job is y/n, if you're going to be a wuss about it ill do it myself" he said pushing past you walking to his room to change

He was right and you knew it, it was your job to get this guy the second you saw him but you were at a disadvantage to begin with. You didn't know your way around the base and to add to that it was pitch black out. Maybe if you convinced Bucky to wait until tomorrow morning you wouldn't be as reluctant to go.

Bucky came walking out of his room now in combat gear, a gun in hand, before he could make it out the door you grabbed his arm stopping him, making him turn around to look at you "Buck just wait until tomorrow don't throw on your tough guy act just cause you want to get out of here, I want to leave too but its not worth going in blind and risking the whole mission" Now you had a good point. "Fine, we leave here first thing in the morning, get this guy then call Tony to come get us" Realizing you still had a grip on his arm you let go, and with that he walked back to his room not be seen again until morning. You walked over and started putting out the fire, if you were going to be up early it was best to get some sleep while you still had time. Laying in bed wrapped up in an assortment of warm blankets you were texting Wanda asking her how her vacation with vision was going until you fell asleep. You woke up in the middle of the night to what sounded like grunts or whispers coming from buckys room, he's probably just having one of his nightmares again you thought, paying no attention to it and drifting back to sleep

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Waking up on the floor wrapped up in several blankets was not the best way to start your day but at least you got some sleep. Getting up you took your blanket with you into the living room, expecting to see Bucky with his gear in hand ready to yell at you for being late. Instead you found him yelling into the phone he was holding, frustrated he threw it against the wall causing it to brake into pieces. "Who the fuck shit in your cereal the smorning barnes" you teased, whipping around he looked at you dead in the eyes "You"

"what did i do i just wo-" he cut you off as he walked over to you and grabbed your arm pulling you over to the window and pushed the shades open. It was then that you saw absolutely nothing, nothing but the snow covering the window. A huge snow storm must've hit overnight and now you were trapped in hell with Bucky.

"How the fuck is this my fault" you said shaking out of his grasp

"In every fucking way" he screamed "if we just left to take care of our mission last night, we wouldn't be stuck here"

"That wouldn't have changed anything, It still would've snowed and we still would be stuck"

"At least Fury would know that the job was done, he would had a quinjet fly out for us. Just in case your small brain isn't catching onto what i'm saying ill simplify, We have no cell reception,no internet, nothing but walkies will work"

"Well i'm fucking sorry i didn't want either of us getting hurt"

"Like hell you cared about me getting hurt, you just didn't feel like going out in the cold,I can't believe that, out of all the people I was unfortunate to get stuck in a log cabin with, it had to be you." He spat at you

"It's the universe telling you that you made the asshole list and that you're a bastard who deserves coal. I just don't know why I'm being punished too." It sounded dumber out loud than it did in your head. "Whatever buck, i'm sorry i spoiled you special little day" You walked off back into your room, to give the super soldier some time to cool off. You stayed in there most of the day until you remembered you had brought a couple of movies with you, just something to occupy your mind. You got up and grabbed your laptop and a copy of Donnie Darko, it was a gift from Nat for your birthday, she knew how much you loved that crazy movie. You decided to go out and check in on Bucky and see if he was up for a movie, you had your arguments but you didn't hate the guy, you used to actually find him pretty cute back when you first joined.

"Hey uh do you wanna watch a movie? I forgot i brought some movies with me" He was sitting curled up on the recliner, if you didn't know any better you would've thought he was upset at something other than the mission.

Looking up at you he replied "Depends is it one of those dumb rom coms girls are so into"

"Actually no smart ass, its like a horror, drama fantasy thing its one of my favorites"

"Fine set it up on the table"

You both went and sat down on the couch, you grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and threw it over yourself.

"Wow way to hog all of the blankets"

"Oh i'm sorry, i thought Mr. Winter Soldier doesn't get cold?' you mocked as you gave him the blanket and went to grab your own from your room. You looked back real quick to check if he was actually watching the movie, you must've stood up to fast and weren't seeing clearly because you swore you saw Barnes laugh. You were totally seeing things the only person to put a smile on that mans face was Rogers, or whenever he mocked you. Grabbing a bag of chips from the kitchen you went and sat back down on the couch.

"So was it a dream the whole damn time or"

"I honestly don't know, I've watched it a million times and i think its like some worm hole space thing"

"You begged me to watch a movie when you dont even understand the ending" He was so upset and confused

"Hey i never begged you, I only asked once. Admit it you liked it" You teased nudging him in the ribs

You both sat there and talked about the movie for what seemed liked hours, not realizing how close you two were now seated. You got on the topic of the TV shows you both used to watch months ago when you were friends. After not talking to him for so long and now the both of you being wrapped up in this movie made you start to realize how much you really missed him. He was one of the first friends you made and it broke your heart when he started to be mean.

"Buck i think im gunna go to bed, i got no sleep last night" you said yawning

"alright, ill see u in the morning"

Grabbing your blanket you started to get up "Arnt you exhausted? i thought i heard you last night having one of those nightmares"

He didn't get nightmares as frequently as he used to but they still happened, but he usually remembers them. They started to get better when you joined the Avengers, but he never told anyone that, and he refused to believe it himself.

"ya i guess i am, i hate those dreams" He didn't have any sort of nightmare last night, but you didn't need to know that, or the details of what he was actually doing.

"If u wanna talk about it im here, i know we didn't go through exactly the same stuff but i wanna help you if i can" You really did want to help Bucky, whatever he was going through, you knew how hard it was dealing with the trauma inflicted by hydra.

"Thanks y/n/n" He said walking behind you going to his room

You both got to your rooms and before you could close your door you heard Bucky whisper a faint "goodnight" under his breath.

Bucky sat in on the edge of his bed trying to wrap his mind around everything that happened today. He was happy to be talking to you again and not have every other sentence out of his mouth be a sarcastic jab at you. He hated to admit his feelings, they scared him to death, he was so used to feeling like some monster with no emotions. But you made him feel alive again, you made him feel human and you helped get rid of his nightmares without even knowing it. He was mad at himself still, he's been hurting you all these months just because he didn't want to admit his feelings.

Laying in bed you tried to get rid of that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the one you always seem to get when your falling for someone. You couldn't be falling for barnes, not again, he didn't even like you right? This was just an act he put on because you were stuck in this cabin together. At least that's what you told yourself. You did like barnes, more than you care to admit but it was just a silly crush it would go away once you got out of this place.

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Its now been 4 going on 5 since you've been stuck in this cabin, thankfully the snow finally stopped and it started to melt, at least you could now get your front door open. You both decided that today was the day you were going to find that hydra base and finish your mission, only 2 days behind schedule. Putting on your combat gear you grabbed your walkie, guns and a protein bar before walking out your bedroom door, Bucky already dressed waiting for you in the kitchen.

"He still in the same part of the building?" you asked walking over to check the computer once more

"Yeah same place, same amount of agents" he answered walking towards you peering over your shoulder at the screen telling you once more his tactical plan, His hot breath on your neck making you shiver. You tried to ignore all the thoughts running through your head and pushed them towards the back of your head. You needed to focus on this mission or else one of you was going to get hurt.

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"YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN YOUR SELF KILLED, AGAIN Y/N"

"I THINK I'M AWARE OF WHO AND WHAT I CAN HANDLE BUCK, IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS" you screamed back annoyed that once again you were being yelled at for doing your job.

While Bucky was in one part of the base looking for the enhanced, you found a secret room with 5 of hydras agents standing inside. You know you could handle them on your own, you've dealt with far worse. Little did you know one of the agents had the same ability as The Winter Soldier, needless to say if it wasn't for buck coming in to save your ass you probably wouldn't be standing here having this argument with him.

Trying to calm yourself down you spoke softer "I didn't know one of them was enhanced, if i did i would've waited for you, but you were preoccupied and i thought i could handle it. I also didn't realize my powers wouldn't have an effect on him"

"This is why i hate working missions with you, you always jump the gun without thinking and i have to swoop in and save your ass" he wasn't yelling anymore but his tone was still harsh, he walked away from you going to his room

"Buck im sorry ok, i haven't been on a mission in a while and i got excited" you spoke not knowing if he could even hear you anymore. Sighing you walked into your room shutting the door and changing out of your clothes. Seeing as you only packed enough clothes for three maybe four days, you had to use the close left by the last person who stayed, by the looks of it, it was Nat. You couldn't understand why Bucky was so mad at you, you completed the mission and now you could both go home. Grabbing some of Nats clothes you decided to take a shower and get all of the sweat and dried blood off of you.

"Steve i don't know what to do, she could've gotten herself killed today"

Stepping out of the bathroom you could here Bucky talking on the phone, you knew you probably shouldn't be listening to him but whats the harm.

"I'm not in love with her shut up, i mean i might be but-" Steve must've cut him off

"You think?" "but how do i tell her i mean, why would she even like me, i'm a monster Steve"

You got so into the conversation and didnt realize you were holding onto the doorknob so when you leaned forward trying to hear better you ended up slamming the door shut causing Bucky to jump and look over at you. "uh Steve ill call you later" he hung up the phone throwing it on his bed.

"uh just wanted to let you know the showers open, there's still hot water"

Grabbing his clothes he pushed by ducking his head and whispered a quick "thanks" before walking into the bathroom.

You stood in the same place for what felt like hours before opening the door to your room. Closing the door behind you, leaning against it trying to comprehend what just happened. Did Bucky really just say he was in love with you, well he said it to Steve. That same feeling in the pit of your stomach came back, you groaned sliding down the door. Did this mean Bucky felt the same way about you that you did about him, or was this some kind of sick joke he was playing on you. If this was some sick prank, you decided you were going to have some fun, and if it wasn't oh well. You still refused to admit your feelings. You went along with your plan because why the hell not. Looking through the dresser you tried to find the something that was sexy but not too obviously sexy. You settled for a over sized red sweater that went down just below your butt, you put on a pair of black knee high socks and black lace panties.

You sat on the couch on your  computer trying to find a movie when Bucky exited the bathroom and went back into his room. Time for your little plan to start, you got up and walked over to Bucks room, leaning against the doorway "wanna come watch a movie, its our last day here and i thought we could end on a good note"

He looked you up and down, damp hair sticking to his face "yeah, if u wanna"

"Yay!"You squealed running over to grab his hand and drag him out to the living room. It felt like electricity ran straight trough his body the second you grabbed his hand he never wanted you to let go, but as soon as you got to the couch that's exactly what you did. After making Bucky sit down and promise to watch you started the movie, "Oh don't tell me this is a movie about different shades of grey" you laughed fully knowing what this movie actually was, pulling your legs up on the couch you put them over his lap. You've never seen someone act so flustered over a simple gesture. Boy was this going to be fun.

You could pinpoint the exact moment when buck figured out what this movie actually was, his whole demeanor changed and you could practically see his heart beating out of his chest. You had kept moving your legs around in his lap which made him hold your legs down on his lap to make you stop, pleading for you to stop. You were definitely getting messing with his poor brain.

Bucky could feel your eyes burning into his skull for what felt like hours, he had figured out by now that you were playing a little game with him, and this movie had given him all sorts of ideas for future reference. He decided to play along with you, without moving his eyes from the screen he moved his hands further up your legs, no longer resting on the fabric of your knee highs. You tried to hide as your breath hitched in your throat as his hands made their way under your sweater and rested on your thighs. Their was no way in hell that he was going to win the game that you started. You moved your legs back closer to you, crossing them, making sure they dragged along his lap and over his now obvious bulge. You weren't seated like that for more than 30 seconds before he grabbed you and pulled you into his lap, grabbing your ass causing a small moan to escape from your lips.

Bucky had the biggest smirk on his face, fully knowing what hes doing to you. Straddling him you sunk your hips down, grinding against him slow, earning a deep growl from his throat. He grabbed onto your hips and guided your core along him, you grabbed onto his hair and tugged on it this time earning a soft moan. For the first time since standing in his door way, you looked each other in the eye, his once blue eyes were now dark and full of need. Within seconds Bucky had pinned you underneath him, snaking your legs around his waist you tangled your hands around his neck and in his hair. One of his hands still digging into your hip, the other one tangled in your hair as he pressed rough kisses along your jaw line, down your neck earning light moans as he sucked on the sensitive skin near your collarbone. Coming back up from your neck he finally placed a rough kiss on your lips, sliding his tough along the bottom of your lip begging for entrance, you smiled into the kiss granting him the access he needed, teeth clashing together as your tongues danced in your mouth . He pulled away from you and ripped his shirt off his body, throwing it to the side. Helping you with your sweater, smirking as he found out all you had on under was a pair of black lace panties. and those knee highs. "You're so perfect" He moaned coming back down to kiss you again.

You wrapped your legs back around his waist as he picked you up and carried you to his room. Bucky laid you down on the bed and looked at you like it was the first time he ever saw a womens body. Starting to feel self conscious you moved your arms to cover your bare chest, before you could he stopped you "Stop it. you're so fucking beautiful y/n". Hovering over you he leaned down until his face was inches from yours kissing you softy, putting a hand on his cheek you looked up at him, seeing those blue eyes of his on you like that made you melt.

He kissed you again this time more roughly moving down towards your neck sucking on the soft skin leaving light bruises. Trailing kisses further down over your breasts and stomach before making it to your core, he moved to the inside of your thighs teasing you, rubbing them gently with his rough hands, his metal one cooling you down instantly. He looked up at you with his hands on your thighs, you gave him a nod wanting nothing more than for him to continue. He took his metal hand and rubbed it over your clothed core, causing a small gasp to escape your mouth from the cold touch. He loved the effect he had on you, the metal arm was an obvious turn on he used to his advantage. He teased you through your panties with his metal fingers earning a different sound from you each time he moved them a different way.

"B-bucky please" you whimpered earning a smirk from him, you arched your back allowing him to remove your now soaked panties "I wonder if your always this wet when i'm around" he grinned at you throwing them across the room. He leaned over you looked you in the eyes again planting another harsh kiss on your lips, before moving back down to get to work. His tongue working like magic, having you come undone at the seams the second he touched you. Sucking on you clit he added a single metal finger causing you to buck your hips  towards him"So fucking eager kitten" his words only making you wetter and more desperate by the second. Without warning he added two more fingers, curling them so they would hit that sweet spot, pumping them at the perfect speed."f-fuck b-bucky" you hadn't been with anyone for a long time and he was completely destroying you.

He grabs your legs and throws them over his shoulders giving him more access to what he want and what you need, your heels digging into his back trying desperately not to close your legs at the sensations. "I'm close, buck p-please" your a whimpering mess under his touch and he knows it ,so close to the edge, seconds away and he stops. Looking up at him with pleading eyes, "Dont worry kitten i'm not done with you yet" You hadn't realized he removed his sweats and boxers, looking at him now holy fuck he was gorgeous, he was definitely blessed in every department. With your legs hooked around his waist, he started teasing you again with his metal hand and sucking on your neck "Buck please, stop teasing"

he chuckled teasing your entrance "tell me what you want doll"

"Bucky just fuck me" growing impatient you try to buck your hips up to him

Holding your hips down with his flesh hand "That's not how you ask nicely, doll"

"James, please fuck me"

He slammed into you unexpectedly causing you to practically scream his name. He never knew that you saying his real name in the manner you did would have such an effect on him but oh it did. Gripping your hips roughly, he slammed into you at fast pace "Fuck, You're so tight" Your hands trailed down his back and grabbed onto his ass pushing him deeper inside of you earning the loudest growl you've heard out of him.

You gained control of him now straddling him, sliding down on his cock at a painfully slow pace. He held your hips, guiding you against him, moving so your clit rubbed up against him, giving you much needed friction.Taking his metal hand he played with one of your nipples pinching in, taking the other in his mouth, swirling his tongue around. The room was filled with your soft whimpers and his rough grunts.

He flipped you back over, spreading your legs even further apart, pushing deeper into you at a more desperate pace. You could feel his thrusts starting to become sloppy, you hooked your legs around his shoulders letting him fuck you even deeper "Fuck, y/n" You dug your nails deep into his back, definitely leaving marks. Near pornographic moans left your mouth as bucky continued his hard thrusts, he put his flesh hand around your neck as his metal one reached down to rub your clit.

"God Bucky i'm close" He tightened his grip around your throat, all that could escape your mouth was whimpers. "Cum for me" his breath hot against your ear, sending you over the edge, closing your eyes your nails and heels dug into Buckys back, feeling it hit you like shock waves you at full force. Bucky nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck, all you could ear were the deep moans escaping his mouth. You felt Bucky pulse and release in side of you, thrusting your hips upwards once more earning a staggered breath in response.

He fell against you not minding the weight, as you both tried to catch your breath. Bucky rolled off of you and went to get to get a wet cloth from the bathroom to clean you both up, you were definitely going to be sore in the morning, he came back and cleaned himself off of you. Throwing the towel in a basket he crawled into bed with you and under the covers, you turned to lay on your side and looked up at him "Was this like a one time thing or" You hated to admit it but you were falling in love with him, if this really was a one stand it would break your heart.

He looked down at you wrapping his arm around you pulling you close, "If you want it to be then it can be, but i was hoping it was more" You could feel his heart jumping out of his chest, you knew he was scared to show his feelings but the way he looked at right then, you truly knew that he did love you. Leaning down he pressed a passionate kiss on your lips, both of you smiling in the middle of it. It didn't take the two of you long to fall asleep, for the first time in a while, you didn't need any extra blankets, all you needed was him. Maybe Nat was right, maybe this mission was a good thing.

You woke up the next morning with a pain between you legs, Bucky was by far the largest guy that you've slept with and it was showing. Groaning you rolled over wanting nothing more than for him to wrap his arms around you and pull you in close, but all you found was messy sheets and a cold bed. Rolling out of bed you threw on his black shirt from last night, the fabric falling like a dress coming down just below your butt. You went looking for a hair tie in the bed side table when you found something far more interesting, it looked like one of Steves sketchbooks but smaller than the ones he normally carried around, Picking it up you flipped through the pages. What you saw made your heart flutter, it wasn't Steves drawing pad it was Buckys and damn was he good. His drawing style is the same as steves, he must've taught him how to draw. But that wasn't what made your heart flutter, the cause of that was almost all of the drawings were of you always at a distace, one of them even brought you back to the day. It was one of you sitting outside by the pool at the compound, even Sam and Steve were drawn in. You flipped to the newest page and found an uncompleted drawing, it didn't click at first but the more you looked at it the more you realized that it was of you asleep in his bed, a little blurb was written in the corner

I never thought this day would come where you would be sleeping naked in bed next to me

I think im in love with you.

You couldn't help a little giggle that escaped your lips, this guy who always acted so tough and rough is actually just some big teddy bear. You set the pad back into the drawer and decided to wander out into the kitchen to see if there was anything left to eat, knowing full well that you left one of your favorite protein bars in a cabinet. You were exhausted and didn't even bother picking your head up as you said good morning to buck, You stood on your tippy toes, causing your shirt to ride up a little too high, Hearing Bucky clear his throat behind you only made you chuckle. Turning around ready to tease the poor man again"What ready for roun-" you froze in place, every word in your mind turned to mush. It wasn't Bucky that cleared his throat, it was actually Tony Stark sitting there with a shit eating grin on his face, standing next to him was none other than Natasha and Steve. Steve giving Bucky one of those looks, and Nat looked at you with the biggest smirk on her face.

"So um Bucky, tell me again about those marks on your neck, What'd you say they were from? " Clearly Tony was about to have way to much fun.

"Well Steve it looks like our evil plan worked" Natasha said nudging him in the side with her elbow

"what?" You and buck said in unison, you still hadn't moved a muscle, buck was now at your side draping a blanket over your shoulders

Natasha continued "You see, me and ole Steve had a small bet going, Sam and Clint were in on it too. I bet that if we sent you away on some remote mission together, forcing you to talk, you two would finally hook up, or at least resolve whatever was going on. It looks like Steve and Clint owe me and Sam some money"

"I had no part of this" Tony piped in hands up in the air defensively, "But goddamn was this a good surprise" he walked towards the door letting himself out, going back to the quinjet.

Laughing you asked "How much money did you all bet?"

" 200 dollars" Steve sighed, putting his hand to his temple in defeat

Bucky started chuckling "Oh my god, you guys are ridiculous"

______________________________________________________________

The whole ride home Nat pestered you with questions, Who started it? Was it good, Was it a one time thing? and a million others, at this point you toned her out and were watching Bucky talk to Steve. That man had smiled more in the past couple days than he had the entire time you knew him, thinking like that just made your heart race, you knew you were the cause of his happiness.

After a few hours you arrived back home at the compound all you wanted was a good night sleep in your own bed maybe not alone this time. You and Buck carried your bags down the hallway, sharing occasional glances and smirks, you could feel it in your heart that this was meant to be.

You sat in the living room talking to Wanda and Vision, as they had just comeback from their vacation the same day as you. You played with the ball of fire in your hands, almost throwing it in the air when you heard Sam scream down the hall "HA YES I KNEW IT, I KNEW YOU TWO WOULD BANG,I KNEW BEFORE ANYONE,I CALLED IT wheres Barton and Rogers they owe me some money" Well it looks like Sam found out that he won the bet.  Before you could explain anything, Wanda and Vision told you that they knew about it too, everyone did but no one else participated in the bet.

Bucky came around the corner and squeezed himself onto the couch cushion beside you, he pulled your legs up to rest over his lap and put his arm around you. Still playing with the fire ball in your hands, you threw it into the fire place in front of you, instantly warming up the room. You sat there watching everyone around you laughing, drinking having fun, no ones fighting, theirs no dumb bickering between you and Bucky now theirs only mocking each other before stealing a kiss.  You realized that maybe this is how its supposed to be, everyone happy and together You with Bucky Barnes. You and the Winter Soldier. The Phoenix and The Winter Soldier, maybe opposites really do attract

[justsomenarutobs]

I NEED HEADCANONS FOR ITACHI AND PLEASE ADD NSFW

Itachi Domestic Headcanons (SFW+NSFW)

Hey love so as we all know Itachi had a very depressing life never truly getting to enjoy his adult life so in these headcanons I kinda danced around any negatives also this was requested 4 times over the course of a couple days so i just had to get these out asap and the nsfw format has been changed so let me know if you dont like it all feedback is welcome anyhoo let’s get on with the show!

Enjoy-N💛

Masterlist

SFW

 Itachi is such a devoted boyfriend this can not be stressed enough once he’s in love there’s no going back unless it’s under extreme circumstances like they cheated on him or try to turn him in as he is a wanted man but Itachi is cautious before devoted so he would have already found out everything even remotely important about his s/o so that there are no sudden surprises. In a relationship Itachi does just about anything for his s/o could ask for even if it’s something drastic like “hey Itachi I need a super rare pepper from a village 10 hours away that’s about half a million yen can you go grab it? I need it for dinner” his s/o can bet their every belonging that the pepper will be on the table that night somehow someway the only thing is that he expects that same devotion back which doesn’t even have to be to the same extent, simply making him dinner and rubbing his shoulders when he comes home or something cute like trying to learn how to make his favorite dinner will have him over the moon with ease

 Itachi doesn’t think about farthing the relationship to be completely honest, he gets stuck in the bliss of finally having a healthy relationship and if not brought up by his s/o he will never properly “pop the question” as he doesn’t see the need to since he has already decided to dedicate his life to them! He’s also not keen on having kids AT THE START of the relationship but again if brought up by his s/o Itachi will slowly warm up to either one or both of these ideas however he will definitely need an abundant amount of time to fully pick apart the pros and cons. When it comes to marriage Itachi will agree as long as his s/o compromises a bit by keeping the wedding small in guests the actual decorations or price is not a problem it’s just Itachi would rather keep everything intimate as for the kids...well in theory Itachi would love to have at least two kids but because he’s such an over thinker he’ll worry himself so much that the idea ends up getting scrap. Everything he thinks about sometimes gets brought up to his s/o therefore it really depends on who Itachi is dating because again it only takes some encouragement to get him over his own insecurities 

 After hitting a couple milestones in the relationship like a 5 month anniversary,moving in together,maybe even getting a pet together etc he strongly starts to think about leaving the Akatsuki and might even do it without telling his s/o until they specifically ask him when they notice he’s around more often to which he’ll most likely just say “There’s nothing to worry about anymore” with one of his signature small smiles. One of the main reasons for him doing this is keeping his partner safe and sound as it doesn’t take a genius to know that being in the Akatsuki brings death, the only unknown is if the death will befall their loved ones or themselves neither sounds right to Itachi as he’s in a constant state of happiness lately. No matter if he’s in the akatsuki or not Itachi prioritizes his partners life and is ALWAYS on the lookout for anything/anyone that might bring harm their way although it’s always subtle never truly showing the depth of his love because for the bigger chunk of his life he was closed up and became use to not being able to articulate his feelings while it’s not as bad as most Uchiha men cough cough Sasuke cough it’s still going to take lots of time and patience before he ever completely opens himself if ever

 THE BIGGEST CLOSET ROMANTIC ALIVE like it’s going to catch his s/o off guard the first few times when they walk into the living room only to find a big healthy bouquet of yellow roses with red tips or his other favorite lavender roses (yellow roses with red tips mean falling in love and lavender roses mean love at first sight/I love you) he doesn’t get red roses because he believes his partner is much to unique for the lovely but overall too common flower. Dates are always very chill but super romantic there’s no pressure, no feelings of needing to make conversation just basking in each other’s presence! Some examples of his dates would be very well thought out picnics at places of importance such as where they first met,first kiss or even just a place his partner enjoyed in their childhood. Other than picnics the only other times Itachi plans dates outside the house is when he feels confident that no conflict is to come from traveling, on those occurrences he takes his partner to places that stuck in his mind during his times traveling for the Akatsuki like the hot springs in Yugakure (which means “hidden village in hot water”). The bouquets are weekly represents of his love/appreciation for his partner and the dates are as often as allotted by his partners schedule but if their schedule just can’t seem to fit in little vacations Itachi has no problems making cute little dates in the comfort of their own home from movie watching to cooking dinner before they get home he does anything that could make them blush and have them feel loved

NSFW

 What a pure sweetheart, Itachi is a gentle yet passion lover! He wants to pleasure his s/o to the fullest extent and the want for their happiness can almost overshadowed his own during sex so having a attentive lover will help big time that way Itachi also gets satisfied. Foreplay is one of Itachi FAVORITE parts while yes the actual penetration is mind blowing it has nothing on the heated kisses,light tugs from the hair,the taste of his partner etc it almost overwhelms him but in the best way possible as he wants to touch/taste everything he’s allowed to. For Itachi his foreplay has to include lots of oral sex because the taste and intimacy including him having his head between two warm thighs really gets him rock hard but usually the oral sex is only for his s/o unless they beg to give him a blowjob (because who wouldn’t want to lol) blowjobs with Itachi are always fun but never rough as he hates the sound of gagging (for dark reasons as well;it reminds him of someone choking on blood and the last thing they want is to trigger a panic attack)

 As for actual sex Itachi always rubs the head around their entrance as his only act of teasing because once he’s inside there’s absolutely no time waste. Is the king of hitting their g-spot/prostate without even needing a 9 inch dick because his stroke game is constant,strong and deeeeeeep. Every time he pulls out it’s slow but with no pause once the tip is right at the front then boom it’s back digging deep causing extreme ecstasy and to Itachi’s delight loud moans. Since Itachi wants to sate his s/o’s needs he has no problem switching positions at the maximum 3 times after that he gets a little annoyed but will most likely not mention, if anything he’ll began picking up his thrusts going a bit faster/rougher so they won’t have a want to switch positions all in all Itachi’s sex life motto is simply “why have sex when one could make love” 

 Let’s do some of his turn ons shall we? 

Lingerie- The things Itachi would do to see  his s/o in some super lacy/extravagant lingerie it’s also a surefire way to get him in the mood! 

Biting- Of course he’s not trying to hurt his s/o but sometimes he gets so lost in pleasure that he unconsciously bites down either on their back,under the collarbone or right near the shoulder while he feels bad when he sees it bruise something deep in him is happy they’re marked by him

Raw sex- He mostly just enjoys this because the feelings of not only the tightness but the wetness makes him wanna melt then on a more emotional level he feels honored that his s/o has trust in him to not make him put on a condom

Blindfolds/handcuffs- Not for him personally but on his s/o he likes the aspect that he can do whatever he wants and that his s/o once again trusts him so much 

Then as for positions we have his top three:

Missionary- As boring as it may sound you can’t deny that it’s an extremely intimate position as they are both wrapped in each other's arms, leg intertwined and lots of eye contact which is Itachi a favorite!

Cowgirl- So long as his partner doesn’t mind Itachi would his partner to ride him as he gets to hold their waist,nibble at their nipples and even rub their clit/give them a handjob to maximize pleasure

The Hotseat- having his partner sitting right on his dick and grinding to meet his thrust will literally have him panting in his partners ear in this position his partner has a upperhand...that is until he reaches around then starts playing with them

 Aftercare with Itachi is so sappy and cutesy a bystander could get a cavity if they watched too long. Right after sex Itachi is almost comatose;his body is just too heavy to move after sex so much so that he waits just a bit before getting up to grab a fluffy washcloth to wipe his s/o down of not only cum but their sweat/drool. Afterwards he half makes the bed (meaning he fixes the pillows and straighten ups the comforter while his s/o catches their breath) once that’s done he slips back in his boxers asking if there’s anything his s/o wants if nothing is given as a answer then he climbs back into bed gently pulling his s/o into a hug waiting for the moment they slip into sleep to whisper “I love you”

[xirayn]

Klance Digimon AU

Instead of campers they are camp counselors who get sucked into the digital world after all of the campers have left.

Keith-Crest of Friendship

Lance-Crest of Courage

Hunk-Crest of Love

Pidge-Crest of Knowledge

Shiro-Crest of Hope

Allura-Crest of Light

With respective digimon, of course

I think most people who are familiar with Digimon Adventures know where I'm going with this.

Basically, while they are saving the digital world, Shiro goes missing (he got pulled back into the real world) and Keith snaps at the team before leaving despite Lance trying to get him to stay.

He manages to get back to the real world, find Shiro, and they come back just as Lance and Wargreymon are close to losing to the big bad after telling the others to run.

Lance is really beat up and Keith cradles him in his arms while Lance is all "I knew you would come back". Keith is like "of course I did and I promise to never leave again", which acrivates his Crest so Gabumon can digivolve into MetalGarurumon. He and Wargreymon defeat the big bad in an epic battle.

It's not until after everything is completely resolved and they are back in the real world that they admit their feelings are more than just friendship.

They start dating and a year or two later are on vacation together in some remote location when they get a message from Hunk: he and Pidge have found a virus that seems way too familiar and they need to get to a computer asap.

[bane-of-brooklyn]

Special Edition  💙 All Time Favourites

Those of you who know of my Malec Fic Rec page (link does not work on mobile!) might have noticed it got looong. And while that’s a good thing, it can also get overwhelming to decide what to start with. So a while ago I started to mark my all time faves, the stories I’ve re-read countless times, with hearts. I thought I’d share :)

Enjoy!

Amazing Series

💙 The Blind Spot by @lecrit - Alec arrives late to his internship at the hospital and the most stunning, glittery doctor he ever laid eyes on steals his parking spot…amazing story full of clever innuendos and flirting <3

💙 Stars Aligned by @lecrit - Hollywood AU with Oscar-winning actor Magnus Bane and his PA Alec Lightwood. Idiots in love, mutual pining, fluff, sex - all there <3

💙 My Life With You by @crazyellephantrambles - College AU with Med student Magnus and reluctant Law student Alec, who has a passion for cooking. I can’t describe this one, but it’s basically perfect! So much fluff and perfection <3 <3 <3 just read it!

Multichaptered Love 

💙 In Need of an Outlet by @blj2007 - this started as a meet-cute in a coffee shop, full of innuendos and went to become so much more <3 I love this so much <3

💙 Eyes On Me by @clockworkswans - When a new same-sex dancing rule is made, Magnus is determined to prove this is a good change. All he needs is a partner for ballroom dancing… <3 I am SO IN LOVE with this fic :D It’s fluffy and perfect, and I have a weakness for dancing :D

💙 Addicted To You by @imawriteriwrite - Magnus and Alec both don’t do relationships.They just hook up, regularly. But they can do it without developing feelings, right? Wrong! <3

💙 My True Love Gave To Me by @imawriteriwrite - Magnus gets stuck reliving Christmas Eve and discovers Alec Lightwood might not actually be horrible after all. Baker!Alec <3 Kind of enemies to lovers <3

💙 Fools Rush In by Maleciseverything - In which Jace’s bachelor party in Vegas ends with Alec getting married….to a guy he just met.

💙 Bright Lights, Small Town  by @lecrit - When his mother dies, Magnus is practically forced to live in Nashville, Indiana, for 6 months, with all its weirdly friendly small town inhabitants. Apart from the vet that is, there’s nothing remotely friendly about him. Enemies to Friends to Lovers <3

💙 In the Sin Bin by @otppurefuckingmagic - Alec, goalie for an ice hockey team, gets Magnus Bane as his new agent. He hates him at first sight. Very slow burn, enemies to friends to lovers. It’s amazing!!! <3

💙 Kiss With A Fist by @clockworkswans - Alec’s first Clave-assigned kill hit on assassin and thief Magnus Bane does not go according to plan when he ends up saving him instead…

💙 Magnus Bane’s School for Young Warlocks by Insomiak - in which Alec is a single parent, who reluctantly brings Max to Warlock school and proceeds to fall for his teacher…it’s not all domesticity and love, there’s quite a lot of suspense and drama, too! <3

💙 The Blue Bird by @ketzwrites - Alec and Magnus meet on Twitter…“@IzzyInHeels Excuse you. I’m expecting an apology in the form of casual meeting with Hot Brother ASAP” <3

💙 Strange Love by @malec-on-ice - Magnus needs Alec to be his fake boyfriend. That wouldn’t be such a big problem, if Alec wasn’t hopelessly in love with him. Absolutely amazing fake dating AU <3 idiots in love at its best <3

💙 What Are We? by @punkbeen - and another awesome fake relationship AU <3 Alec needs a pretend boyfriend to go on a family vacation with, so his family stops pestering him. It might not feel so fake quite soon… <3

Cute Oneshots

💙 It’s a Yes from Me by @ketzwrites - reclusive singer Alec Lightwood gets roped into being a judge for the Angel’s Voice. And there’s one contestant that’s especially talented as well as intriguing…love this so much <3

💙 Trust Me @ketzwrites - Magnus has the perfect plan to put Jace, the arrogant brat whose presence he has to suffer at every damn street race, in his place. It involves seducing his attractive brother, so it is obviously an amazing plan. Right? <3

💙 I Want to Root your System by @ketzwrites - when Pandemonium magazine needs new tech equipment, Magnus is not thrilled. But he might yet begin to love technology - if instructions come in the form of Alec Lightwood, CEO of Light Inc. Very very cute story, lots of feels! Also - computer innuendos :D 

I hope you liked these - check out the full list for more (I love all of the stories on there so so much)

[starlitsummermoon]

Byron x MC - Longing Pt. 2

Part Two to my short story. It’s a bit longer than part one.. anyways! Thanks again to @astridapples and @deathbymidnightcinderella for inspiration! I hope you enjoy!

“Well done, Your Majesty,” Giles boasted proudly as he walked down the corridors of the castle next to the Princess. “There are just a few loose ends to tie up and this fiasco with Protea should be over.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” the Princess replied with a gentle smile. Contemplating the list of things to do in her mind, the words began to blur together, then her vision wavered. Giles’ voice began to fade to deep mumbles. Suddenly, she felt a pair of strong hands grab her by the shoulders from behind, just as her world was about to turn completely black.

“Princess!” Nico nearly shouted as he caught the young woman in his arms. He had followed closely behind her and Giles, allowing him to easily catch her as she collapsed. She blinked rapidly as her eyes began to focus again, seeing Nico and Giles hovering above her, great concern in their eyes. Shock set in as she realized what just happened.

“I’m so sorry,” she said as she steadied herself on her feet, Nico prepared to catch her again as he watched her knees shake, beads of sweat threatening to fall down his cheek. Truly concerned for her well-being, he also didn’t want to ever tell King Byron he let his Princess break into tiny pieces as she fell to the floor.

“There is no need to apologize, milady,” Giles responded as he placed his arm around her in order to offer extra support, despite Nico holding out his arm. “We have this great opportunity to recuperate while the preparations are being made.”

“I’m fine, honestly,” the Princess protested, grabbing Nico’s arm he offered to her, pretending to use it so he could escort her and not because she needed extra support.

“No,” Giles asserted, stopping in his tracks as he turned towards her completely, “Please, Your Highness, allow me to make the necessary preparations while you get some much needed rest.” He turned toward Nico. “I think it would be best if Her Highness began with a nice, hot bath.”

“Right,” Nico nodded.

A lovely bath with rose water was prepared by the maids. Escorting Her Highness down to the bath with her hand carefully wrapped around his arm and a fresh clean towel in the other, Nico stopped in front of the large ornate door. He could feel her weak grip release his arm as he turned the doorknob.

“Please enjoy your bath, Princess,” he insisted with a forced smile, handing her the towel.

“Thank you, Nico,” the Princess responded as she accepted the fabric. Sheepishly holding it close to her chest, she felt her cheeks burn red. “You haven’t, by chance, heard from King Byron have you?” She tried to keep her question quiet for her relationship with the king of Stein was still secretive to most.

“Not yet, milady,” his smile faded slightly as he returned her hushed tone, “but I have no doubts that he’s thinking of you.”

“Do you think so...?”

“I know it... which is why I’m so concerned for you. This situation with Protea has really-”

“There’s no need to worry, I’m fine. I just need a little more rest, and these next couple of days allow me just that.”

With those final words, the Princess shut the door behind her, leaving Nico with a heartfelt, weary smile. Being given orders to be her secret bodyguard from King Byron meant keeping her in top form, which was proving difficult to do.

He trudged back to his small room for a moment of rest of his own. Assuming she would take her time in the hot water, he took advantage of the moment to let loose and kick up his feet.

“I can’t stand seeing her like this,” he mumbled to himself, letting out a hefty sigh. Whipping off his jacket, he tossed it to the side of his bed as he flipped off his shoes. Just then, he heard a loud tap. Jumping to his feet, he saw a beautiful white owl waiting at his window, tapping its beak against the glass. “Spinner?”

As he opened the window, the owl flew in and landed on a post at the end of the bed. A tiny piece of paper could be seen protruding from its mouth. Holding his hand beneath it, the bird dropped the paper into the young knight’s hand. Unraveling it to reveal the message:

Status report, ASAP

“So, King Bryon’s worried about her,” Nico giggled slightly as he stroked the soft feathers atop the owl’s head. Then, a light bulb lit above his head; he had a brilliant plan! Throwing his jacket and shoes back on, he nearly sprinted out the door and headed directly to Giles’ office.

Rose petals scattered across the steaming surface of the water as the Princess submerged herself completely. Tilting her head back to rest against the cool tile, she felt all the stress and wear on her body melt away with the minerals in the water. Her eyelids slowly fell as she took the misty air into her lungs.

Vaguely realizing that she was dozing off, she opened her eyes, but all she saw was ebony black hair with steely blue eyes. The face smiled, sending shivers down her spine. The lips worded out her name, but there was no sound.

“Byron,” her voice reverberated off the tile walls, snapping her back from her daydream, realizing that she was alone. She hadn’t seen her darling love in quite some time, but she thought about him every single moment she had to spare. To make her feel worse, she didn’t want him to worry about her, but she knew he was. Unable to send him any kind of message to inform him of any type of news always sent him spiraling.

‘It will still be a few more days before I can see him,’ she thought, sinking into the water up to her lips, the aroma of the rose water filling her nostrils. Small streams of tears fell onto rose petals as the emptiness she felt grow larger. She wanted nothing more than for Byron to burst through the door and join her in her small moment of peace.

“Thank you for everything, Nico,” the Princess yawned as her attendant escorted back to her chambers. “You’ve helped me through so much these last couple of months. I can’t express how much I appreciate your strength.”

“Please,” Nico held up a hand, “what kind of attendant would I be if I couldn’t do that, at the very least.”

“Get some much needed sleep, Nico,” she responded with a smile. He opened the door for her, bowing his head as his arm gestured her entry. Hesitating, she bit her bottom lip as she struggled to find the right words. Looking up at her with one eye, he couldn’t help but smile.

“We can send a message to Byron tomorrow,” he assured, “Giles has approved your vacation, so we can let him know you’ll be arriving soon.” Nico’s suggestion threw a large smile on her face. The excitement she felt knowing that she’ll be arriving in Stein in a couple more days was almost overwhelming!

“That sounds wonderful!” she nearly squealed with glee, skipping into her room. Shutting the door behind her, Nico smiled deviously as he stifled a laugh, excited to see her reaction for what was about to unfold.

The Princess quickly dressed into a nightgown, embarrassed to be excited to get a good night’s sleep. Flopping onto her cloud-like bed, she felt the large comforter envelope her as she sank in. Wrapping her arms around herself, she imagined the feeling of Byron wrapping his strong arms around her. Her cheeks burned pink as she longed for the feeling of his lips against hers, and other various parts of her.

Happiness sped up her heartbeat as she rolled around her bed, giggling to herself.

The following day, the Princess completed her normal duties early. Giles wasn’t finished with the final details to wrap up the Protea situation, so he sent her out to the Royal Gardens to squeeze in more relaxation. A little put off, she agreed to it, even though she felt there must have been something she could do to help the process move quicker. She wanted to start her vacation as soon as she possibly could.

With Nico was close by her side she found her favorite, remote spot of the garden. Surrounded by hundreds of colorful flowers and hedges, this spot was perfect for privacy. She had found this secluded spot by accident years ago, and she now used it when she wanted to hide from Giles or the castle staff. Only Nico knew of this special place.

Sitting at the marble bench, she overlooked the breath taking view of Wysteria. Taking in a large breath of cool air, she exhaled slowly, allowing her muscles to completely relax, her hands rested at her knees, the breeze caressing the skirts of her dress.

“It’s been so long since I’ve experienced a moment like this,” she said as she looked back at Nico who returned her grin as he shrugged his shoulders up high, his cheeks pink with delight. Her eyebrow raised at his odd reaction. “Is everything alright, Nico?”

“Of course, Your Majesty,” Nico replied, stifling a giggle as he glanced at his watch. “Oh! You know what would be perfect? Some tea! How about it?”

“That sounds nice,” she responded as she sighed happily, admitting his actions were odd, it was nothing really new. Nodding, he quickly took off to fetch beverages, his footsteps disappearing shortly. Returning her view to Wysteria, she felt her heart flutter.

Looking beyond the town, she faced the direction of Stein. Holding her clenched fist up to her heart, she had to tell herself to hold on a short while longer before she could see her love again.

A few moments had passed before she heard the soft sounds of slow footsteps approaching. Stealing one more breath of fresh air, she stood up from her seat.

“Nico, that was-” she turned to face Nico, but froze in her steps as her eyes widened. Standing underneath a rose covered archway was a tall man clad in black, his ebony hair swayed softly in the wind as his one blue eye gazed at her.

To be continued....

[laceyeb]

The Letter

First of all, I got this idea from the book To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. I read the whole thing this weekend. The book itself was good, nothing life-altering, but I LOVED the concept of it. Second, this is set next weekend (April 8th/9th) when James is racing in Long Beach (very close to LA). Third, this is way longer than most things I write, but I couldn’t not post the whole thing at once. Fourth, you’re welcome and I’m sorry.

---

It was James’ idea.

Sunday night. Just you and me. Reminiscing and what not.

Sharna smiled when she saw his message. She knew he would be in the area over the weekend and had hoped she would get a chance to see him.

Will you have time? she sent back. She didn’t want to take him away from his own things.

As long as I don’t impale myself on a piece of the car, I’ll be free later that night.

Not funny.

A little funny. So what do you say?

Deal. My place. What time? Camera blocking during the day, but I can get away later for a special occasion.

You flatter me. Maybe like 9ish. Is that too late?

Not at all. 9ish it is.

I’ll keep you updated on my circles.

Sharna laughed. This had become an inside joke with them very early on when she confessed to him that she had never really gotten into racing. “It’s just… circles,” she told him apologetically. But he laughed at this and told her he would only ever call it that again.

Drive safe.

-----------

Sunday morning, she got a text from James.

Practice circles went alright yesterday. Not my best, but not my worst. Important circles coming up soon. Have fun today. See you tonight.

She smiled as she read this and didn’t notice Emma walking up to her.

“What are you grinning about?” Emma asked her, smiling herself.

Sharna looked up at her quickly. “Nothing,” she said at once. “Nothing. Just… nothing.”

Emma clearly didn’t buy this, but she dropped it anyways. “Want to come out with a group of us tonight? The usual?”

“I can’t tonight,” Sharna said distractedly. She quickly sent back Be safe! See you then! to James, then dropped her phone in her bag.

“Plans?” Emma asked curiously.

“No. Just… hanging out by myself tonight. A little mental vacation, you know? Next time though. I promise.”

“You sure everything’s alright? You seem weird.”

Sharna didn’t know why she was lying to Emma. It wasn’t as though there was anything to hide. She was allowed to see James, to spend time with him, even alone. She wasn’t doing anything wrong or breaking any rules. But for some reason, she knew she wanted to keep this to herself. Before she had a chance to assure Emma that she was perfectly fine, Val walked up to them.

“James is racing nearby this weekend, isn’t he?” Val said without any introductions. How did he manage to say the wrong thing at the worst possible time? “Is he coming by tomorrow?”

Sharna deliberately avoided Emma’s narrowed eyes, which undoubtedly made the situation more awkward than it needed to be. “He’s been in Long Beach, yeah. But he’ll already be on his way somewhere new tomorrow. He’s busy.”

“Damn. That’s a shame. I’m sure you would want to see him again,” Val said innocently.

Sharna shrugged as casually as she could as Emma watched her closely. “Yeah. It’s been a while. I better go. Wardrobe needs me.”

She left them both standing there, hurrying away as unceremoniously as she could manage.

------------

It was at right about eight that night when she got another message from James.

Important circles were good. We still on? Should get there right on time.

“Shit,” Sharna muttered under her breath. They still had a while to go there tonight. It was taking so much longer than usual because so many of the dances this week required major setups.

Still at the studio. Running way behind. Sorry!!! Let yourself in and I’ll be there asap. Spare key is under the plant.

She waited a minute for his reply.

No worries. I’ll just read all your mail and dig through your drawers while I wait.

She laughed and rolled her eyes, but didn’t respond to this.

It was after nine by the time she finally got in her car and was heading for home. She texted James as she was leaving to let him know she was on her way, but she knew he wouldn’t respond when she was driving.

She unlocked the front door and walked in carefully, expecting the dogs to come running. When they didn’t, she immediately felt nervous. She dropped her bag and keys right inside the front door and turned the corner into the living room. There was James, sitting on the couch, both dogs happy as can be in his lap. Her heart fluttered in a way it hadn’t for over four months now. It was an unwelcome but not totally uncomfortable feeling.

“You’ve been here half an hour and you’ve already turned my babies against me,” Sharna said, shaking her head at him.

He flashed her a wide grin. “What can I say? I’m irresistible.”

“That’s debatable,” she told him, wrinkling her nose.

He sat up, causing both dogs to hop off his lap and run out of the room. She hurried over to him and felt at home in his arms.

“It’s been way too long,” she whispered.

“Way too long,” he echoed.

They stood together like this for several seconds until she finally pulled away from him. Then she sat down on the couch and he did the same. She turned to him and she couldn’t stop smiling.

“So, how did the circles go today?”

“Seventh place,” he said with a shrug. “Should have done better though. I ran pretty flawless, but everyone else was just faster than me.”

“And you’re modest, too,” she teased.

“You know what I mean. And how was your day? Long?”

“The longest. There are so many big productions this week. It took forever to set each number and then we ran through it all so many times so they have it down for tomorrow night.”

“I can’t wait to see it all,” James said, now smiling in a self-satisfied way.

“What do you mean?” Sharna said at once. “Are you coming tomorrow?”

He shrugged. “I’m already on the list. Thought it would be fun to drop by.”

She reached over and smacked his arm. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” She was excited, but that was immediately overshadowed by something else when she remembered her conversation with Val and Emma. “Does anyone else know you’re coming?”

“I’m a surprise,” he said proudly. She was quiet when he said this and he narrowed his eyes at her. “What’s wrong?” he said, his voice softer. “Do you… do you not want me to come?”

“No!” she said at once. “Of course I do! I just did something stupid today.”

“And does the stupid thing you did have to do with me?”

“Well, I was talking to Val earlier today. And to Emma. They asked if you were coming tomorrow and I told them you weren’t.”

“But you didn’t know I was,” he pointed out.

“Right. And I also told Emma that I was hanging out by myself tonight. I don’t know why I lied to her,” she went on quickly, feeling embarrassed. “I just felt like it was just… just our thing. Tonight.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. He was clearly confused, but doing his best to just go along with it. “Well, I won’t say anything then. If that’s what you want.”

“It’s not what I want. Not exactly. I just don’t want them to know I lied is all.” Sharna stood up quickly. “I still need to take a shower,” she said, hoping for a change in subject when she returned. “I’ll be quick. Make yourself at home. You can watch tv or something. Or maybe the dogs will come out of hiding since they like you better than they like me now.” She hoped her attempt at a joke would ease the awkward tension in the room. It sort of worked.

“Like I said,” he told her with a grin. “Irresistible.”

She rolled her eyes at him and left the room.

------------

Sharna showered quickly and tied up her still damp hair. She threw on a tank top and sweatpants. She was feeling calmer now. She had been nervous to see him again, but everything felt normal. Everything felt as it should. It was nice. It was comfortable. It was a relief.

Sometimes she forgot that she had never confessed to him the feelings she had. She had fallen so hard for him and never told him, but she ran through scenarios in her head so often of what it would have been like if she had actually told him. It was hard sometimes to sort out her imagination from reality. Those feelings were pretty much gone now. She had decided, back when their season ended, to just discard them. She had accepted that nothing would come of it and being away from him actually helped. It was hard at first, not spending so much time with him. Still missing him. But over time it got easier and her feelings started to fade. Not because she didn’t feel that way anymore, but because she knew she couldn’t. And she had accepted it. Almost.

“Want to watch a movie or something?” Sharna called down the hall, poking her head around the corner into the kitchen, still wondering where the dogs had disappeared to. Then she saw them both curled up on the floor, on the soft rug near the front door. “Or we could just chat,” she continued, turning into the living. “Catch up. It’s been ages since -.”

She froze when she saw him standing there. He had a piece of paper in his hands. He was looking up at her, his eyes wide with shock and his mouth hanging open. His hands were shaking, making the piece of paper shake, too.

“I was looking for the tv remote,” he said in an alarmingly calm tone. He held up the piece of paper in his hand. “Wh - what is this?”

She knew what it was. She knew exactly what it was. Because there was a little table next to the couch and it had drawers of random junk. Batteries and old tv channel guides and rubber bands and pens with no caps. And the bottom drawer was open and in the back of that bottom drawer was the letter. Or where the letter used to be.

“I didn’t mean to read it,” he went on, dropping his hand to his side. “But my name was on it.” He pointed to the envelope on the coffee table. “I was curious. If I had known what it was…”

“James,” Sharna said softly, desperately. “Please let me explain.”

“Okay,” he said, still very calm. Unnervingly so. He sat down carefully on the couch, keeping his eyes on hers. He handed her the letter. “Explain.” His voice wasn’t harsh or intimidating. It was gentle.

She reached over and took the letter from him. She glanced down at it, just to be sure it was what she thought it was.

Dear James,

I still remember that first day we met. I think I always will. It’s always so awkward, those first meetings. But with you it didn’t feel awkward. With you it felt like seeing a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. Not like we were meeting, but like we were meeting again. It was so easy. Maybe too easy. It was that very first day when I knew I would fall for you.

It was three weeks later when I knew I loved you. You might not even remember this. It was after the very first show. It was sometime during all the chaos later that night and you looked at me and you smiled and you said you finally understood why I loved this. Why I loved to dance. I asked you why and you said that dance was like freedom. It was like being free of everything else in the world and being someone new for just a little while. Getting to explore something or someone you wouldn’t have had the chance to explore otherwise. And that’s exactly why I love to dance. And that’s when I knew I loved you.

When you said that I just laughed it off and said something about how you already knew me so well. But then I went home that night and I cried because I knew I loved you and I knew I couldn’t have you.

Now this is all over and I still love you. That’s why I’m writing this. Not because I’m going to tell you or because I’m going to give this to you. Because I’m hoping this will make me not love you anymore. Maybe writing it all down and getting it all out will actually get it out of me.

It hurts, knowing I can’t have you. It hurts more than I ever thought possible. Loving you and loving you in so many different ways is painful and confusing and it’s killing me. I’ve told you I love you countless times and I’ve always meant it that way. I’ve meant it more than you thought I did. I had to pretend like that was enough. That saying I loved you and really meaning it, even if you didn’t know I did, would be enough for me.

It’s not enough. It never has been. It never will be. I love you.

But now I have to say goodbye to that part of us. Even though it was never us. It was always just me. This is how I say goodbye. By writing it down and hoping that someday I won’t love you. Even though I always will.

Love, Sharna

“I never meant for you to read this,” she whispered, looking down at the letter.

“I thought so,” James said. Still there was nothing in his voice at all harsh or accusatory. He merely sounded curious. But she looked up at him and his eyes said something different.

“I wrote this. A long time ago.”

“When?”

“Right when our season ended.”

“That was four months,” he said. “Not that long ago.”

She took a deep breath. Her heart was beating fast and she felt light headed. “No, I guess not that long ago. No.”

“You never told me,” he said, his voice softer. “You never told me any of that.”

“I never told anyone,” Sharna said, feeling a little defensive now. Not because of him, but because she felt a desperate need to explain herself. “I couldn’t. How could I? How could I tell anyone that I… I…”

“That you loved me?” James whispered.

She couldn’t believe this was happening. She couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. This was not a conversation she had ever wanted to have with him. It was why she wrote the letter in the first place.

“I was in a bad place when I wrote that,” she explained, still trying to defend herself. “It was the end of the season and I was a mess. I had been feeling this way for so long and I… it was all ending. It was over and you would be going back… back home. I didn’t know how to deal with what I was feeling. So I wrote that. And then I was better. Not right away. But after a while it got easier. I never meant for you to read it,” she said again, willing him to understand. “I’m sorry.”

He was quiet now, his eyes on the letter in her hands. Then he looked up at her again. “Did you mean it? Everything you wrote? Did you mean it?”

She nodded. “Yes, I did,” she whispered.

“And what about now?” he said in a rush.

“Now?”

“How do you feel now?” She didn’t answer him. She continued to look into his remarkably understanding eyes. “Please be honest with me.”

She closed her eyes, taking another deep breath, then opened them again.

“I honestly don’t know how I feel now. Back then, I - I really… I really loved you.” She couldn’t believe she was saying these words to him, but she knew she had to. She had to tell him everything now. She needed to. And she wanted to. “It was like it consumed me. I fell for you. Hard. And I didn’t tell anyone. Not a single person knows how I felt then except me. And now you. And when the season was over, I wrote this, thinking it would help me clear my head. Help me move on.”

“But how do you feel now?” he said again. His voice was pleading for the first time. This was something he needed to know.

“Now? Right now I… I still love you. Not like I did then, I don’t think. I”ll always love you. But because I knew that I couldn’t… I couldn’t have you, I pushed it all aside. And I was doing better. I had almost forgotten about it all. Even you coming here tonight, I was fine. Really.”

They were both quiet for the longest ten seconds. James broke the silence.

“I’m not really sure what to say now. This wasn’t what I expected when I came over here tonight.” He managed a small smile, which Sharna found impressive. She still felt as though she was about to pass out.

“This wasn’t what I had planned either,” she told him.

“What did you have planned?”

“Talking. Catching up. Discussing life. But I think we’ve done enough of that now,” she added, now smiling herself. She hoped it didn’t look too forced and he smiled again in return.

“Did you say something about a movie? When you came in the room earlier? I think that’s what I heard you say.”

“A movie?” It felt like a lifetime ago when she walked in the room and saw him holding that letter. “Right. Yeah. We could do that. Watch a movie.”

“You pick,” he told her, sounding relieved.

She watched him for another moment, then she stood up, walking past him to the cabinet on the opposite wall. But before she could make it three steps, she felt his hand wrap tightly around her own. She whipped her head around to him. He stood up very suddenly and Sharna felt her insides flip over.

“I need to just say one thing,” James said in a whisper.

His voice wasn’t calm anymore. He sounded scared, almost terrified. But his eyes were sure. She was silent. Listening. Waiting.

“I loved you, too.”

[dorothydelgadillo]

How I Paid Off My Car With Coding—and Changed My Life

Emily Martens works remotely from the beach in California as a Content Manager for youth sports filming and highlight reel editing company NextPro. However, just a couple of years ago she was working up to five jobs at a time, struggling to pay her bills, and making no headway on her debts. What was the big change from then to now? Learning how to code. She told her story to Scott Morris.

Just a couple of years ago I was in a position that I think a lot of people can relate to. I was working in marketing, mostly doing copywriting and social media management, and I was working A LOT. At one point I was actually working up to five different jobs depending on the week, including supplemental retail and data entry work. But guess what? I was still swamped with bills and debt. I did manage to always cover my monthly bills, but it felt so haphazard—like I was surviving paycheck-to-paycheck with no real direction. Meanwhile, I was getting nowhere with my long-term debt on the income I was making. It started to get super discouraging seeing how much I was working but not seeing that time reflected when it came to paying off debt.

I Needed New Skills to Pay Off My Debt, But I Didn’t Know Where to Start

I knew my upward career trajectory and ability to get ahead on bills and credit card debt was limited without a new bachelor’s degree or a master’s degree (hello overwhelming student loan debt) or more marketable skills, but that’s such a hard place to be in—it’s one thing to KNOW you want to improve your career and financial prospects, but it’s another thing to figure out how to get there.

In my case, I eventually ended up in a situation where I really didn’t have a choice—I had a baby! This meant I HAD to start up skilling to make extra money, and I needed to do it ASAP.

When I took maternity leave I ended up losing one of my jobs, and half of my steady income went with it. I’d actually been thinking (very gently) about learning to code for a while, but it was that sudden loss of income combined with timely encouragement from my fiancé that got me seriously considering it. My fiancé is a teacher, and around the same time my income took a hit he happened to go to a demonstration at a local tech company looking to get high school students excited about computer science. While he was at that demonstration it occurred to him that I might really enjoy coding.

He mentioned the idea to me and it just seemed to click. I come from a family of artists and performers—I actually studied theatre arts and have written novels—but ultimately I’ve always enjoyed math and problem solving. However, up to that point no one ever pushed me to pursue anything STEM related. It just sounded like such a perfect idea that I started doing research on different coding schools. And I’m glad I did! I’d looked into everything from personal training to real estate, but coding ended up being the only thing that really ignited a passion in me—I was able to tell what an ideal fit it was even during my first HTML and CSS lessons.

I Had to Get Past My Doubts to Start Making More Money

I did a LOT of research about coding schools before I decided to enroll with Skillcrush. Obviously, I had a very young baby at home, so an in-person bootcamp wasn’t viable for me (nor did I have that kind of money to spend on tuition). A 100 percent online course was definitely a must, so that—combined with a price point that didn’t involve major student loan debt—made Skillcrush a seem like a perfect alternative to bootcamps. Still, the main reason I finally chose Skillcrush was the culture. The idea that coding was for everyone really appealed to me. Of course, even though I was sure about choosing Skillcrush I didn’t go into learning coding without some doubts. There’s always the concern about how long it will take to learn to code, but by the time I started Skillcrush I realized I’d wasted so much time thinking and talking about doing new things (instead of actually doing them), that I was able to get over this concern pretty fast.

Money, however, was more of a persistent concern for me—Skillcrush is a lot more affordable than other options but it’s still an investment, and this was at a time when my finances were stretched pretty thin. Fortunately I had a partner who encouraged me to just go for it, spend the money, and invest in myself. And that’s exactly what it ended up being—a smart investment in my future. The courses that I took have long since paid for themselves (speaking of paying off debts), and I learned valuable skills that were already putting me in a position to turn a profit by the end of my first three-month Skillcrush Blueprint (the Front End Developer Blueprint, which I followed up with the WordPress Developer Blueprint).

Learning to Code Helped Pay My Debts, But it Also Changed My Life

In my case it took me about six months to FEEL ready to start doing paid web developer work, but looking back I realize I could have started pursuing paid work by the time I completed the Front End Developer Blueprint. I landed my first job by approaching a work colleague who owned a digital marketing agency and who I’d done copywriting for in the past. I told her I was now working as a WordPress web developer, and she got super excited and told me she had a client who needed a website. After telling me a little bit about the project, she asked me to send her a quote along with some theme template suggestions she could include in a proposal for her client. By the end of that week I had a deposit in my bank account and started writing code for pay! It felt amazing. And it felt even better once I dove into the work and proved to myself that I had the chops to do what I said I could do.

Now—two years after I started learning to code—I’m working as a Content Manager, a job that included overseeing the front end development of our company’s new website. I had a three week deadline on the initial launch of the website, but with the skills I’ve learned I was able deliver it ahead of schedule. As far as bills and debt go, my salary is now almost six times what it was when I set out on my coding journey. So, like I mentioned, my Skillcrush debts were easily and long since paid off. I’ve also paid for my car loan in full, I can handle all of my bills each month without using credit cards, I bought new furniture, took my family on a Disney vacation, and—best of all—my coding income has allowed us to live on the beach here in California. In fact, I can see the ocean right now from my desk where I’m working, because my job is also a remote position—pretty handy since I have a toddler to take care of.

This lifestyle change has been nothing but positive for my mental health and work/life balance, which speaks to the fact that learning to code is so much more than just paying off debt. Don’t get me wrong, the financial aspect is huge, but it’s improved my life in almost every way I can think of. I now have a confidence and determination I never experienced before learning to code, and things like debt payoff and extra money for bills are really just a side effect of that.

from Web Developers World https://skillcrush.com/2018/07/16/pay-off-debt-with-coding/

[fashiontrendin-blog]

I Have a Bone to Pick With ‘The Holiday’

http://fashion-trendin.com/i-have-a-bone-to-pick-with-the-holiday/

I Have a Bone to Pick With ‘The Holiday’

The Holiday is, in my humble opinion, one of Nancy Meyers’ best romantic comedies. It is also, in my equally humble opinion, one of her most entertainingly unrealistic.

For proof, allow me to present a series of unanswered questions, selected at random from the dazzling cocoon of my brain:

1a. Am I supposed to believe that Iris, a.k.a. Kate Winslet, one of the most objectively mesmerizing women in the world, has nothing better to do than pine after a pathetic two-timer named Jasper Bloom for years of her life?

1b. Has Jasper Bloom seen Titanic?

2. Am I supposed to believe that Iris, who seems like an ideal houseguest in every respect, would cavalierly flop onto the freshly made-bed of Amanda, a.k.a. Cameron Diaz, in her airplane clothes?!?

3. Of all the things Amanda might flirtatiously feed Graham a.k.a. Jude Law, on their first date, would a green vegetable really be her romantic shared sampling of choice?

4. Amid the preponderance of holiday songs that logically make up the soundtrack for a movie called The Holiday, why and how did Frou Frou’s “Let Go” sneak its way in? (This question has nothing to do with the unrealistic nature of the plot but remains pressing in my mind nonetheless, especially because that song will forever remind me of Garden State.)

5. Why didn’t Iris tell Graham that a strange woman would be staying in her cottage for the holidays — oh, and also, that she’ll be in L.A. so don’t bother setting her a place for Christmas dinner?

6. Considering that Graham’s children both appear to be under the age of nine, why, pray tell, would they be in possession of their very own personal cell phones (in 2006, no less)?

7. How is it that Amanda Brooks, a California resident, had the foresight to bring THREE distinctively chic winter coats to Surrey despite her intentions to hibernate solo in a remote cottage for the entirety of her vacation and her purported ignorance of the fact that she would meet a dashing local gentleman by the name of Graham, which would thereby provide occasions to wear the aforementioned THREE distinctively chic winter coats?

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That last question haunts me the most.

For my entire life, or at least ever since I mastered the use of my opposable thumbs, I have abided by a packing strategy that’s nestled in the comforting bosom of pure pragmatism: If you don’t think you’ll need it, you won’t.

If I were packing for a remote solo getaway in freezing cold climate like Amanda conceivably was, I would have filled a suitcase with nothing but sweats and ONE ginormous, floor-length, thoroughly unflattering puffer coat. What more could I possible need given the intended scenario?

That’s where things would go terribly awry in the version of The Holiday starring yours truly. I would meet Graham a.k.a. Jude Law (!!!) and fall in love (even though I told him very explicitly I wouldn’t), and I would have nothing to wear except my ginormous, floor-length, thoroughly unflattering puffer coat as we frolicked across the English countryside. Graham would probably develop strong feelings for me regardless because he seems like a really nice guy, but things just wouldn’t be the same — aesthetically or practically. Have you ever tried to frolic in a floor-length puffer coat?

Unrealistic as Amanda’s foresight may seem IRL, it also makes a very effective case for overpacking, because you really never know what might happen, or when you might meet Jude Law.

I hope you enjoyed this holiday season installment of “things that keep Harling up at night,” a new Man Repeller series idea I sincerely hope no one green-lights. (However, Nancy Meyers, if you’re reading, I would love to know where those three distinctively chic coats are from).

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[alieninbeirut]

My Breastfeeding Battle

Breastfeeding has been less of a journey for me and more of a battle. It may be natural but it certainly is not easy or straightforward.

I took a very half-ass approach to whether I would breastfeed or not. By that I mean I didn’t research or read any literature on breastfeeding prior to giving birth. I said I would try but was also okay if it didn’t work out. I knew from my younger sister that there might be latching issues or getting positions correct a challenge. I knew from my older sister that your nipples go through the mill but after around 3 weeks it becomes easier. This was about the extent of my knowledge, that and the benefits.

Because I decided I wanted to give it a try I was very annoyed that I was brought to ICU after a very traumatic labour and thus separated from my baby girl for two days. During that time she was cared for in the special care unit and bottle fed. I remember arguing with the surgeons in the theatre room that I had to be with my daughter. Maybe it was this separation that made me all the determined I would feed my baby myself. It didn’t matter to me how many medical professionals told me I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed due to my blood loss, or that my milk wouldn’t come in, or that I lost all the hormones and milk my body had been preparing for the duration of the pregnancy I had made up my mind. When I finally got to meet her I wasn’t long before popping her on the boob. She latched straight away and it was amazing. But wow, it was painful AF. I felt robbed of our skin-to-skin, our first meeting and first days together but this was a way to make up for her being on her own (she wasn’t on her own all the time but my husband was restricted to visiting hours). I wasn’t able to get up and walk, I couldn’t wind my baby but I could lie there and feed her and this was what I was going to do.

She was a hungry baby and cluster fed for hours on end. I didn’t even know what cluster feeding was but I quickly began reading up on breastfeeding. I learned you feed on demand whenever the baby is hungry. You don’t clock watch. It is normal for a baby to feed a lot in the first few weeks. The formula she was initially fed filled her little belly and she liked that feeling of fullness so I had to supplement her with top ups until my milk came in.

I plagued every midwife in the hospital for help with positions, picking their brains of all their breastfeeding knowledge, asking about latch, my diet, everything.

My milk came in on day five. I was delighted. I could do this. My nipples were in bits. Every single feed was toe-curling excruciating but I focused on the 3 week mark for when it would get easier and kept lavishing the cream in the meantime. A lactation consultant came in and confirmed there was no tongue tie and that latch and positions were good. I felt I could do this.

After a week of recovery in hospital I pushed to get sent home. I could still barely walk but I could sit or lie and feed and that was all I needed to do. My husband was everything else. Our little family arrived home and I cocooned myself on the couch, loaded with pillows, snacks, remote controls, nipple cream and baby and we fed and cuddled all day long. I was so crazy in love and happy.

She was gaining weight, I had started to get used to the pain, I thought I was flying it. She fed all the time and for hours each time, my older sister and people around me were commenting that this wasn’t the norm but I didn’t mind. I loved the bond it created and she was thriving so if she wanted to live on top of me she could. She is the boss. But on week 4 my baby girl was weighed and she was the same as the week before. This confused me because of the sheer amount of time she spent feeding. I was advised to take a breastfeeding vacation on the couch, cancel all other plans and just have my little one on my breast the whole time. I had almost everyone questioning the quality of my milk due to the postpartum hemorrhaged. I was told this is why she isn’t gaining weight I was told. I had others telling me she was breastfeeding for too long and using me as a soother. I went back to the hospital lactation consultant and had her check the latch again, I asked her to make sure she doesn’t have tongue or lip tie as an explanation for why she feeds so long and isn’t gaining weight. I wanted there to be tongue tie because at least then I had an explanation but she said no, there definitely isn’t tongue tie. She advised to me time my feeds to 20 minutes a side and after offering each side she would be full and anything after this is using me as a soother so give her a pacifier and hand her over to someone to put to sleep because she won’t sleep on me as long as she smells the milk.

So I did this, but after a traumatic week for both of us (she cried so much and I couldn’t bear to hear her cry for me) and even weight loss at her next weighing I ditched this advice and took back my child to living on top of me.

Christmas came and so did her 6 week growth spurt. It was spent with my little leech attached to me around the clock. Christmas dinner was ate with one hand and baby on breast. Guests didn’t get a look in. My baby wanted only to be with Mommy, and smiles for Daddy. My breasts were on fire during and after a feed. The fact that feeds ran into each other meant I was in pain all the time. The three week mark had come and gone but my pain hadn’t. I noticed a white coating on my little ones tongue and thought it might be oral thrush. This is common in babies and as I had received antibiotics it is even more likely. That coupled with the fact that she lived on my boob meant she was creating a warm, moist environment ripe for thrush. As it was Christmas we went to the out-of-hours emergency doctor. She checked both me and my girl and confirmed thrush. Our local pharmacy (and neighbour) was phoned and asked to open up just so we could get the medication asap. We began a rigorous program of tablets and cream for me and drops for my little one. The drops in her mouth needed time to work so we had to distract her for 30 minutes away from the boob to give it time. The pain was very different to the pain I had suffered the first few weeks, this went into side breast and stung, I cried at some feeds but persisted. I also began topping her up with formula because I found it so hard to pump anything and I worried the thrush made it painful for her to breastfeed effectively. I began with 3 ounce top ups and from my research and experience found it best to feed her on both sides first, do compresses all the time on my breasts and once she got frustrated to give her the top up, wind her and pop her back on the breast so she doesn’t associate fullness with the bottle. I can’t explain why but I was devastated to see my LO being bottle fed AND by someone other than me. I asked my hubby to exclusively feed her the bottle as I didn’t mind him doing it but grandparents were sitting on the sidelines waiting for an opportunity to feel their grandchild so my feelings were pushed aside to accommodate them. There were fights over how much and how often we gave formula as a top up. There was a reluctancy to hand the baby back to let her finish on the breast because the after-fed cuddles were the best.I didn’t want to deprive my daughter but there was no explanation from any medical professional to why she wasn’t gaining weight.

For someone who was undecided about breastfeeding prior to the birth I had a sudden aversion to formula. More research was carried out into how to pump more efficiently. So I began getting up at 3am and 5am every night to pump. I an usually up many times in the night for night feeds but I was doing these lying down so I didn’t fully wake. Now I had to sit up, feed on one side and pump on the other simultaneously. One time I pumped 1 ounce but this was after 3 days of this pumping regime. I was so proud. But really, such a miserable amount for so much effort. My precious 1 ounce was put in the refrigerator for a top up. The texture of my expressed milk was very watery so comments began again questioning the quality of my milk. More research, I read everything about pains, symptoms, positions, milk, hindmilk, foremilk, pumping regimes and stood my ground that my watery milk was perfectly normal.

After New Years lunch at my parents I began to feel sick with flu like symptoms. Half my family sitting for dinner had the flu so I didn’t think too much into it. Then my little girl began rejecting one side and I felt a little engorged so I jumped in the shower to hand express for relief. I realised the upper part was not expressing so I did compressions and out popped hard and sticky white stuff. I kept going until it was free flowing and came back out to continue feeding. However, my LO still rejected that side. I expressed more and loads more hard white content came out and it stank. I had a blocked duct and the start of a mastitis infection but luckily I dodged that bullet. Nothing is worse for thrush than antibiotics.

At the 7 week weigh-in she was still the exact same weight. Everyone had an opinion again. Again the quality of my milk was questioned and I was told a cousin’s expressed milk looked way thicker than mine. I still don’t know how anyone knows what a woman’s expressed milk looks like without asking to compare with mine. I was told I had a supply issue because other women can pump bags full. I was told it could be a hormone issue because I had heavy postpartum bleeding at day 30 and day 40. I was sent for blood tests. But I still felt something else was wrong and arranged a second lactation consultation for a second opinion. At the very least I might be doing the positioning wrong because I noticed I had nipple blanching after a feed and thought the pains I felt could also be from this. I also had milk blisters daily (major ouch). The most common cause of nipple blanching is a shallow latch and the most common cause of a shallow latch is tongue tie, which my LO didn’t have. I just wanted an expert opinion.

It snowed the day of the appointment and I was a little hesitant to take my 8 week old out in it but I was in so much pain by now I didn’t want to wait. We arrived and spent two hours with the lactation consultant. She did a sucking assessment and diagnosed two types of tongue tie and a stiff neck (from birth). I was told to see an osteopath and that we need to have it snipped. The fact my LO could (and always) sticks out her tongue confused everyone to thinking she can’t possibly have tongue tie but a simple sucking assessment would have confirmed it. She also said there was a transfer of milk issue because of the tongue tie and this would/is affecting my supply. This would explain why she fed so long on my breast, working so hard to get what she needed but her latch was shallow so she was unable to get the milk effectively into her. It also revealed to me that my child was going hungry. I was devastated and angry at the first lactation consultant for failing to pick up on this. It should have being resolved weeks ago. I also felt let down my all those surrounding me who kept questioning my ability to breastfeed.

We tried to introduce nipple shields but my LO refused them. She wanted only the real deal. The Lactation consultant gave me feeding tubes and said it was necessary to increase the formula until the tongue tie is released. We asked about quality and pumping and she said neither are an issue. Many women do not have a supply issue and get nothing when they pump. Validation for a moment. Then the reality set in that we have to get the tongue tie procedure done asap and this wasn’t going to be pleasant. The older the baby the more pain they feel.

Booked an osteopath handy enough and tongue tie release for next week with a top surgeon in Dublin. My LO will be ten weeks then and I am dreading it. I also wish it was this week because nipple trauma is real. I know the release is not an easy solution either, that the road to recovery and successful breastfeeding is far from smooth and it may not work out after release but we will try.

This has being a long and lonely journey at times. It has been less of a journey and more of an uphill battle, to be honest. I am hopeful the tongue tie release will finally be a turning point for both of us. We have both come so far and worked so hard to get to where we are today that we deserve it to be satisfying finally.