#I never got that.... Idk its a nice pleasant song. Whatever

[caluski]

I think people hated on this song way too much. Ive never been a Lorde fan, and while at first I thought it was really funny (everyone put her on this ridiculously high pedestal, it was inevitable), but seeing everyone turn on her SO much was just awful and made me feel so bad for her.... I don't have much of an opinion on the album in general but I always thought the song was super pleasant! It was nice to hear her being happy about something! Anyway. Sunny mornings hello, solar power back on love and food playlist. A sweet feeling of hopefulness

[vagrantblvrd]

Okay, so I can’t stop thinking about the AU where Jaskier somehow ends up working in a Geek Squad-esque department and has to deal with these witchers who bring in mangled/otherwise destroyed phones and the whatnot AU?

Like, the witchers aren’t completely technologically impaired right because the thing about living through who knows how many innovations and whatnot over the years but they really don’t make stuff the way they used to.

(Jaskier maybe sit through a semi-rant on the subject a time or two while processing whatnot for the witchers who have brought him yet another mangled bit of tech orth a fair bit of money and did he know they used to make them of sturdier stuff???)

Anyway.

Geralt is Geralt, all hm’s and hm’s and usually :( although there have been moments of >:( and an especially rare :| which is the closest to the teeny tiny smile Jaskier gets on a good day or when he says something that amuses Geralt enough to visibly show it. (An actual :) is something to be treasured for days afterward and gets Jaskier gentle ribbing from his co-workers because his relationship with the witchers and Geralt in particular is high entertainment for them, but yes.)

Lambert is a delightful asshole who came in all >:(((((((((( after Geralt mentioned there was a new face in the Geek Squad-esque group, one who got him a new phone in spite of the most recently mangled one being out of warranty and suchlike. Didn’t even ask why it smelled of swamp water and may or may not have had bits of swamp...gunk in its insides and anyway.

Jaskier clearly made an impression on Geralt and he’s like but why, though, and comes in intending to be That Customer - and indeed is through the entire ordeal.

Makes Jaskier go over the fine print in the warranty and whatnot when he brings in some horribly mangled bit of shiny tech - a tablet or some such that clearly cannot be saved and is just barely under warranty. A day later and he’d be out of luck, right?

And while it’s covered by the warranty it’s also just old enough the store doesn’t carry it anymore - been discontinued or whatever - which should be fine, right? Jaskier can set Lambert up with the newest model or other equivalent and everything should be fine, but no, no.

Lambert gets this glint in his eye and is like, oh, I’m not going to make things that easy for you, buddy, and goes off on this...whatever about how he liked the version he had - doesn’t want or need the added features on the new one even though they actually are pretty nice, just because he can.

And of course he came in on one of the days Jaskier’s usual supervisor is off and the one who’s had it out for Jaskier since day one is working. Positive Jaskier has done nothing to deserve being moved from overnight stocker to Geek Squad-esque team member and looking for the smallest reason to get him fired. (Or at least kicked back to overnight stocker and then fired for some other reason no one can call them on.)

This supervisor who is hovering, just waiting for Jaskier’s Retail Voice and whatnot to slip so they can pounce and Lambert might not know the details about it all, but it’s pretty damn obvious the supervisor doesn’t like Jaskier.

So he’s like, “Okay, but...” whenever Jaskier brings up a new avenue of convincing the asshole to just say he’ll take the new tablet and gtfo already, pls you asshole, pleasant smile on his face and gritting his teeth the whole time.

Just as the supervisor has had enough of watching Jaskier dealing with this stubborn customer and clearly failing to meet their needs, Lambert is like “Well, I really did like my old tablet, but I suppose this one you’ve been trying to sell me on for nearly half an hour will be adequate, probably,” like Jaskier’s got him at gunpoint or something.

Jaskier is like oh, excellent, sir, what a wonderful choice sir, you are totally my favorite customer sir!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD while also being like >:(((((((((((((((((( to Lamert’s clear amusement and whatnot.

After the deal is done and the bastard’s on his way out, Jaskier is like !!! when he sees Lambert stop in front of the assole!supervisor sure he’s going to complain about Jaskier. To his surprise though, Lambert’s just, all “Oh, he was so helpful! Answered all my questions!” and so on and both Jaskier and the asshole!supervisor are taken aback because that was not what they were expecting?

And then Lambert’s like “I only want to deal with him when I come in here,” to which Jaskier is ah, okay because he gets Lambert’s game now, and the supervisor is just okay, well, I have no control over that unless you come in on days he’s working, but you can bet I’mm make sure it happens if you do, haha.

Which more or less seals Jaskier’s fate on that angle, and absolutely what Lambert intended, and anyway, asshole.

Later on, after they’ve had enough such encounters that Lambert isn’t suspicious of this oddly helpful person at the store where they buy most of their consumer electronics he’s like, >:DDDDDDDDDDDDDD when he comes in nd Jaskier’s like >:(((((((((((((((((((( if you really wanted to help me out here with the asshole!supervisor you’d buy an extended warranty or whatever and Lambert rolls his eyes and scoffs because those are scams and he’s not an idiot, and anyway, he knows Jaskier doesn’ really want to shank him out back behind the store with a rusty knife the way he threatened one time because Lambert is a delight, okay, an utter delight.

Jaskier side-eyes him so hard for that and is like, oh????? So then Lambert won’t mind meeting him out back on his break? Asking for a friend, you know, no other reason. Strangely, Lambert does not.

(Mostly because of that time Geralt fondly told the others about Jaskier shanking a monster out back by the store’s loading dock when Geralt was a little bit bleeding out and in a bad spot and anyway, yeah, no, thanks, Lambert wasn’t born yesterday okay.)

But you know who is an actual delight that Jaskier loves to see come into the store?

Aside from Geralt???

Eskel.

The man is sweet and polite and holds actual conversations (not a slight against Geralt by any means, it’s just. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone at work who isn’t a coworker or a horrible customer and so on) and otherwise doesn’t give Jaskier headaches.

(Though there was the one night after closing and rare time when the store would be clsoed the next day for a holiday or whatever so no night crew coming in. Jaskier was trying to get his car to start when Eskel showed up all bloody and half-dead and Jaskier was closest. Also his phone was broken and no way to contact Geralt or anyone else and how was Jaskier at first aid, asking for a friend and all.)

Anyway.

Jaskier’s favorite encounter with Eskel at work is when he calls Jaskier asking if he can help with a tech issue. Mangled laptop and files he wants to get off the harddrive you know, but ~sensitive file that have to do with the witchers and their work.

They all pretend Jaskier knows absolutely nothing about any of it, even though he’s patched all of them up at some point or they’ve saved his life from some monster or other and there really shouldn’t be any pretense about it all?

AND YET.

It’s one of those days where work is slow and the other Geek Squad-esque people are out on house calls and won’t be back for a few hours or called out sick or whatever.

And this, okay, this is something Jaskier convinced one of them to teach him or he taught himself through Google and YouTube and anyway, he can do the file transfer magic stuff for Eskel, no problem.

Tells him as such and to come by before anyone gets back from the calls so he can handle it himself without anyone looking on and all, so he does, right?

Jaskier lets Eskel in the back room with him while he works, and they have a nice little chat and catch up on what’s new in their lives and all that.

Jaskier is like oh, ew, gross because some of the files he salvages for Eskel are photo documentations of past hunts - for science!!1! - but also ooh, what was that hunt like???

(Accidentally clicks on some or some other reason for him seeing what the files are or just file names and anyway, shhhh, let me have this.)

Because curiosity and also songs and Geralt enjoys being difficult on purpose and Jaskier’s never sure how much Lambert tells him is complete bullshit, and anyway. Eskel’s the nice one. Usually.

Also, though, also.

There are so many photos of Geralt and Lambert, Vesemir and Ciri and certain sorceresses and suchlike, and it’s adorable and sweet and wholly expected?

BUT.

To Jaskier’s forever joy and delight there are at least two entire album’s worth of freaking goat pictures.

(Well, okay, goat and horse and whatever other animals these withcers have in their lives and so on.)

It’s adorable as hell and Jaskier makes these little squeaky noises of pure awww at the sight of them, okay, because Lil Bleater and whatever little terrors Eskel has known and clearly adores.

He’s like staring straight ahead and all everything’s fine and normal and whatnot while Jaskier is like omg and she’s so cute and omg Eskel, omg.)

Withcers may not be able to blush or whatever, but you can sure as hell bet he would have been blushing up a damned storm if he could and Jaskier also knows that and is just.

Charmed, okay, he is utterly charmed by this big soft dork and swears he won’t tell anyone even though the people who matter obviously know as well, and anyway, anyway, he gets this soft little smile for it and his heart is like oh, oh no, because Jaskier’s kind of gone on these idiot witchers okay.

(After the discovery of the goat pictures Eskel starts sending new ones to Jaskier who always gets that look people get when presented with adorable pictures of animals and this warm squishy feeling because oh, oh no, indeed and anyway, yes, because idk what pairings/ships i even want this to be anymore but just soft feelings all over the place even with Lambert, the bastard. XD)

[sweetest--melody]

let’s say all the odd numbers for the valentines asks

oh dang thats a lot uhhhh

WE GOT A CUT HERE FOLKS JUST LIKE THE GOOD OL DAYS

1. do you have a crush on anyone?

you could say that :3c

3. favorite love song?

Can't Help Falling in Love is still such a classic honestly, I still love it and for some reason it still touches me fr

5. what was your last kiss like?

it was a while ago, like two years or so? just before the pandemic on a pretty casual date. it was nice but not really passionate yknow?

7. do you prefer poems or love letters?

poems! ive never really read a love letter before though lmao

9. have you ever been in love?

you could say that :^3c

11. dinner dates or brunch dates?

i like them both! brunch dates can lead to either a pleasant rest of the day or more date after that, but a dinner date can leeeaad elsewhere >:3c

13. favorite perfume/cologne?

i dont really have one honestly, my sense of smell was never the best haha

15. what’s your ideal first date?

i like it classic, chill dinner and a movie, nothing fancy, even something quick like going out for burgers or something! though i have been on some pretty neat unique firsts that i loved a lot, like a botanical garden!

17. what’s the most attractive thing a person could wear?

not sure honestly! something that looks good on them and fits their style, that they are also comfortable in maybe?

19. snow, rain, or sun?

🌧️RAIN!🌧️

21. favorite dating sim (and favorite character)?

sorry folks, but i have never played the genre! not a one game within it. so instead ill tell everyone my favorite Stardew spouse

Haley. It's Haley. I love her so much.

23. what’s your dream wedding like?

uhhhh real? existing?

25. do you believe in love at first sight?

maybe not complete love, but definitely interest, attraction, and infatuation

27. denim jackets, leather jackets, or bomber jackets?

ALL. They can all look great! i wear denim and leather tho

29. are you single?

Nope! I love my gf lots go follow her

31. guitar or piano?

it all depends on how theyre used in the piece, never a clear choice. i play the guitar though, and someone playing either one is impressive to me!

33. do you fall in love easily?

not immediately, it takes a little bit of time, but when i get a bit i do fall a little easily haha

35. would you prefer to propose or be proposed to? what’s your dream proposal?

to! idk what my dream proposal would be, if someone knows me well enough then whatever they come up with will be sure to make me cry

37. do you like to dance?

not really honestly, i never learned and never did it as a kid and when i do it now i get really nervous and self conscious.

39. kittens or puppies?

B O T H BABY ANIMALS ARE SO CUTE AND HAVE YOU HEARD THE LITTLE SOUNDS THEY MAKE

41. favorite soda?

Dr. Pepper 100% I don't drink soda that often anymore though im on water more often these days

43. favorite ABBA song?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont really listen to ABBA haha oops

45. favorite pajamas?

tank top and these woolen pj pants i have, theyre so cozy! my other fav is this big sweater i have that goes down to like my knees and just a t shirt or tank under that is so comfy

47. do you think about love a lot?

all the time tbh, romantic love, familial love, platonic love, casual love, love for friends, love for companions, love for strangers, love for your community, love for your world, love for humanity, love for yourself, love for stories, love is everywhere and love is the meaning of life!

49. hand kisses or nose kisses?

nose! i do love hand kisses, but hand is more symbolic and "proper" or formal, while nose is just cute and close, plus its closer to my mouth >w>

[unproduciblesmackdown]

prompt catchup

April 20th: What are some things that allistic people do that you find confusing? yeah again it's like because allistic people can move through their Social Worlds with no awareness of ways they can mess up interactions b/c from their perspective this isn't any obstacle to them so it must be a non factor they're just objectively Socially Competent yet yknow can be acting like a jerk to people left and right and being inconsiderate and never trying to connect with other people on their terms but yknow it's nd people who are Socially Inept(tm) lmao like. well let's say this Confuses me. simply operate on the presumption you can and do misunderstand ppl w/o realizing

April 21st: Do you stim? If so, what are your favourite ways of stimming? What does stimming feel like for you? yeah it can be like, grounding, more comfortable, a way to burn off some sort of [intensity], and/or to be conducive to it, and like just enjoyable in a Vibing kind of way, like yknow, allistic people knowing what stimming is in a way like that rocking chairs are fun and pleasant in a way that nobody has to try to describe, or how they can sort of pick up on things like a fidget cube or weighted blanket as nice and/or helpful, even if most people are just kinda regarding these select stim Accessories as yknow sorta a casual novelty / superfluous indulgence.......always was big on spinning as a kid lol, enjoyed that via dance as well, there's some sort of In Between stuff i'll do like oh i'm around other people and i've simply been Moved To Energetically Stroll To Nowhere, or woops i was thinking hard about something and got excited and simply said some probably unrelated word as the hypothetical Start Of Something Someone Might Say to nobody lol, i have nervous(tm) fidgets and like, fidgeting with Objects, playing with whatever or messing w/stuff with notches or dials or just generally like, that small amount of resistance, if i'm Enthused about something it's like. i gotta get up and pace or flop over or shake out my hands....out here listening to a song for hours on end if i feel like it, enjoying Hot Drinks whether or not the heat has the practical purpose of warming me up, i will, put the end of a paper towel between my upper lip & teeth or roll/twist paper, shoutout to its versatility. might make funky noises to express or announce myself lol. plenty of stuff i'm sure i do including like total classic "oh yeah i love to do that" which i'm completely forgetting because it's just sort of hard to notice this stuff lmao. Vibing

April 22nd: What are some things allistic people can do to better support/accommodate autistic people? could be an essay which i'm sure there's like preexisting such essays / articles / etc that are gonna do it way better but just like a couple things you could do is. social model not pathological model and. listen to autistic people instead of other allistic people say about autistic people

April 23rd: How specific is your routine? Does it vary slightly from day to day? Do things have to be at the exact same time, or does just the order matter? How important is having a routine to you? it varies, there's some sorta usual stuff that it feels like A Whole Thing to maybe move around or omit, and i guess just generally it's like, if i'm doing something, i have to have kind of created through that plan in my head beforehand of Here's What's Gonna Happen, that expectation can kinda play into the motivation of even doing it in the first place, and i might have those ideas kinda hours in advance like "here's what i'll do at some point later" or like, having an idea of what i'm gonna do in a particular day, and/or what i'm going to do Next......then if things get thrown off, whether b/c something gets in the way or it's disrupted or something else ends up being done, it can just kind of be like, well yeah now i'm thrown off, and depending on how Unexpected things are, how much i'm prevented from being able to anticipate what's gonna happen relevant to my day or whatever, etc, it can get somewhat distressing thanks like. i love living in suspense

April 24th: Are there things that seemed to come naturally to others that you had to try to learn over time? yknow nothing comes to mind in particular right now lol. can say "hm everyone seems to know how to interact in a certain way from the get go and i don't" but that's just picking up on people being nt and you don't learn Being Nt, even if you learn to mask as a draining defensive maneuver

April 25th: Do you experience executive dysfunction? If so, how often? What is it like for you? What do you wish neurotypicals understood about it? yeah like every day lmao sure am not just doing things b/c "i want to" or "i think i should" or "i intend to" or "i understand the reasons i ought to go ahead and do x thing" and the actual process of Trying to do [whatever] is sure hardly smooth or effortless or necessarily doable......like oh oops more time than i expected passed, i do things at a certain pace which took longer than expected, i kept meaning to do whatever but getting distracted, i got distracted repeatedly As i was doing x......the lattermost is like, i can't really excise that from any Process lmao, there's very very very rarely going to be any Unbroken Focus w/o any breaks and if it's happening, idk how long it's gonna last, not very.......like i Cannot draw things in under an hour, non detailed / cleaned up / elaborate stuff is still taking hours on hours likely, if something was a mere like. < 4 hours it was a Very Special Occasion and just happened to be forces aligning in ways i can't predict or simply decide to evoke, and it's like, well can i say this Really took 2399238 hours when plenty of that time was me Losing Focus / doing something else for a while, but it's like, well yeah, that's just how much time it takes b/c that's how the process goes for me, and i'm the one making this stuff. but also always struggling to Start to make it on any given day, the hours of "here i go" [hours later] "Here i go for Real" [hours later] [etc] and like, i'm always having to Shift Focus to Something, even if i want to start focusing on Task I Want To Do, i'm not actually yet focusing on it, so i keep getting caught up in like, oh but here's what i'm focusing on more immediately.....but yknow also just that Executive Dysfunction is really broad and can involve a lot of different experiences re: different processes so there's always more stuff for anyone to understand besides that it's Just like, about having difficulty Starting A Task.........but yknow i think a good thing to absorb about stuff is that it's never a matter of like, well, you can Simply Solve [whatever difficulty / Obstacle] because "you can just x" like no. none of this is a matter of You "Just" do whatever okay. like oh wow great that an nt person solved everything by pointing out everyone's else just too dumb of ass to have no difficulty with something, like them. love all people having the exact same experiences as everyone else re: everything

[after-witch]

post replies & inbox messages

Got a bit long so I put them behind a read more!

@just-average-poet THIS IS SO GOOFAvatar just-average-poet GOOD I MEANT GOOD

Thank you!!

@natinolang-utak Bruh i thought for a moment he's threatening to kill her loved ones bc thatll stop me for sure. This is goood👌🏻

The original draft did involve family but I decided to go in a more direct direction ahh. Thank you!

Anonymous said: Hiiiii, I'm the one that requested a headcanon for wishing stairs and like I been MIA due to personal problems and I din't have the time to read/ check Tumblr, the one that I requested but thankfully my schedule is cooperating with me, and i finally read the headcanon, all I can say you're a amazing writer, and believe me I felt scared while reading the headcanon, THANK YOUUUU AGAIN, SO MUCH THANK YOU PO. have a jolly day to youu

Thank you for the kind message! :)

Anonymous said: WOW - Revelations gave me legit chills. honestly didn't expect the end at all. the sudden shift from defiance to fear? reader felt a shred of control and suddenly there is this looming sense of danger/threat. thank you so much for writing my request 🥰 it made me wonder. would he ever really overhaul his darling? 😳

IMO yandere!Overhaul would never overhaul his darling unless it was a "you HAVE TO DO THIS TO SAVE THEIR LIFE" legitimate life or death situation. (Regular Overhaul? Oh yeah. But IMO regular Overhaul is far outright nastier, so.)

Anonymous said: You mention in one of your yandere! Overhaul fics how reader gets scared when Overhaul thinks their sick and how they don’t want him “to go down that road again”. I was just wondering like how much more controlling or how overhaul acts when reader does get sick.

So the man is bossed with your personal health and hygiene even when you're healthy. Eat a well-rounded healthy diet. Brush your teeth--use plaque disclosing tablets if he thinks you don't brush well enough. That sort of thing. Imagine getting sick. Even a simple cold or infection, and you're signed up for: Temperature checks, fluid intake (and output, eck) monitoring, strict diet based on what's going on health-wise and you must eat it or he'll need to resort to IVs, no physical exertion, medications if necessary. He's just so far up your ass even for something relatively simple and it's not pleasant.

Anonymous said: girl I just wanted to say that I love your overhauls fics so much, like just the way you write everything is so *chefs kiss* ❤️

Thank you!! that's so sweet

Anonymous said: I love the juxtaposition between "doctor doctor" and "sweet escape" cuz you really capture the difference in how your yandere overhaul treats his darlings emotional vs physical problems. You have a phobia? He thinks youre being ridiculous and he'll belittle you but also hes ESTATIC to help you with this childish little problem as it means youll grow closer. But you have a physical disorder? one that causes self-harm? He thinks its far more serious and is more gentle, but hes not pleased one bit.

Great observation! He’s definitely a little more... excited when it means you can tackle something “together,” but when it’s something that has an immediate impact (like self-harm or bulimia) then there’s very little wiggle room in his mind.

Anonymous said: Sometimes I see you sharing genshin content, are you perhaps playing genshin impact? If so, are you planning to write for it? Sorry, i'm just curious since ive been following your blog for quite a while.

I’m not playing it but I’m into the story/concept & characters! I probably won’t be writing for it though

Anonymous said: I absolutely LOVED your last overhaul fic! I read it a couple of times now, gosh. The reader's despair is tangible and his behaviour is so horrible omg. Thank you for writing it!! I wonder - what would have happened if the reader stayed defiant? Refused overhauls orders, tried to run nonetheless, and so on? Would he have gotten really nasty?

He’s always willing to jab reader with some sedatives and keep them nice and drowsy until they can start behaving again. 

Anonymous said: Me: *Sees your part 2 of Its my part and I'll cry if I want to

Also me: *Slaps on Lesley Gore on the record player (carefully)*

If I ever use another Lesley Gore song as a title, just know that it’s for you

Anonymous said: Took me awhile to put my thoughts together but your recent Sephiroth fic was gold. I love how it also makes me a little confused about whether or not Sephiroth kidnapped his ‘darling’ or not. Did he kidnap her and over time convince her that was the case through brainwashing? Or did she really choose this out of her own violation? And the way you depict an abusive relationship is right on point. (1/2)'

The constant fear of saying the wrong thing is such a strong presence that I actually froze when Sephiroth got angry at reader looking up when she heard Cloud’s name. And it also made me wonder why Sephiroth kept her around. Sure, it could be that he’s just obsessed with her for whatever reason. But then I think that he keeps her around to piss off Cloud. There are just so many things! Anyway, great job. Your a really talented writer :) (2/2)

Oh gosh thank you for your thoughts! This comment is *chef’s kiss* dopamine. It’s meant to be ambiguous--abuse relationship, either way, but ambiguous as to the exact origins. 

Anonymous said: I adore your overhaul fics so much!! Idk why I love that nasty man - but you capture him perfectly and your writings make my heart go 💖💗💘💕💝💞😘 Thank you so much for sharing!!

Thank you for the nice comment!! :)

[sarah-blue-eyes]

2020 In Review

Hoo boy, here we go.

[Ok just before I begin. I had this queued to post in the first month of January but it doesn’t seem like that ever happened haha. Better late than never I suppose!]

So I am a nostalgic bitch, and since 2011, have loved to make memory boxes for each year, where I put trinkets and memories into a shoebox. This year I have continued that tradition, but I have also kept track of my happy memories throughout 2020 in my planner. This was done with the intention for me to upload a year-in-review sort of thing in hopes that maybe like, 3 people max on this god-forsaken site will read it. This sort of reminiscence was inspired by my friend @a-lbeit​, who has done these for a few years now and me, as a slut for nostalgia, was encouraged to do the same back in January (I think? What even is my memory at this point?)

2020, as it has been for many, was a very shit year, and I am no different. I would safely say that this year has undeniably been the worst I have lived through. But I am here. I am present. And I have made it through some of the darkest times to face 2021 with a new sense of hopefulness. Keeping track of my happier memories has been something that has truly got me through this clusterfuck of a year, so I am glad that I can finally go through them all again and share them with you.

Read it, or don’t, I don’t give a shit what you do with your time, but if you do, I hope that you aren’t bored to tears. And I hope to keep myself accountable to continue to do this for years to come.

Buckle up, grab a hot drink and a snack and get comfy, because this is a JOURNEY.

January:

· Kicked the new year off with hosting a 1920’s themed party with some of my closest friends at my family home at the beach. Had fun with drunk SingStar, playing What Do You Meme, creating a playlist with everyone’s top 3 songs of the decade (it was a bangin’ playlist I must say), and just overall drinking too much and having a riotous time

· I remember going to the beach New Year’s Day (as is tradition in Australia) and playing ultimate frisbee in the shallows and completing a crossword puzzle on the sand (I am a 75-year-old woman, it is just a fact of life)

· I also had my friend Kirsten from South Australia stay with me for the New Year’s period and it was lovely to have a guest over! I haven’t spoken to her much this year, she sort of fell off the face of the planet, but I hope she is doing ok.

· Went town to Torquay (a beach town in Victoria) for the 6th time for Beach Mission, which is essentially a holiday program for kids in preschool-year 9 where we run activities for them. It’s a Christian-based program but the aim isn’t to convert the kids or anything like that, it’s more to show God’s love to them through our actions and how we as Christians live our lives. It’s also a convenient way for parents to dish their kids off for a few hours too haha. This was my final year of being a part of this program, and I am so pleased to have made so many memories and (hopefully) impacted many children’s lives during my time there

· I remember going on a late-night beach walk with my boyfriend Josh, talking about what the year had in store for us. We were just sitting on the beach, as you do, and I saw a shooting star. I can’t remember what I wished for (if anything) but in that moment, life was a dream.

· The week after beach mission I started at my new internship! It was for a place called KidsCo, who run school holiday programs at workplaces, so parents don’t need to take time off work to look after them. I helped with client relations and a lot of behind-the scenes stuff. I really loved it there

· On the very first day of my internship I remember there was torrential rain, and the train home was delayed by like, an hour or so lol

· One of the best parts about interning at KidsCo was that they were the official child-minding service for the Australian Open. I make an effort to go each year, but I was lucky enough to get free ground-entry for me and a guest for the duration of the event. I went quite a few times and got to take my mum and Josh along as well.

· Saw my only concert of the year, The Veronicas, at the Australian Open. When I say the moment the violin riff at the start of Untouched absolutely went the fuck off is an understatement. Grade 5 me would have cried (and 23 year old me did a little bit too tbh.) Yet another of one of my “all-time-favourite-songs” that I’ve had the pleasure of hearing live. (I also went through the year feeling sad that this was the first time in 11 years I hadn’t gone to a concert, but this one certainly fell through the cracks)

· Started planning my trip to the UK to see my twin sister, and best friend, Jess

· Went away to Rye for the Australia Day weekend #changethedate. An excellent time with excellent mates, and went to the beach pretty much every day and got mindlessly sloshed every night

· Listened to the Triple J Hottest 100. I think 4 of my picks made it in, which was pretty good

· Continued my job as the office manager/events coordinator at my church

February:

Basketball started back after the summer break for my two different teams, The Vikings and The Wildcats (honestly such a highlight of this year with how the rest of it ended up going)

As a team-bonding activity at KidsCo we hired a boat for a few hours and I got more drunk that I had been for a while. It was a very fun time jetting down the Yarra, waving drunkedly at the people jogging by

For Valentine’s day Josh and I had an indoor picnic with our favourite food! The weather was shit for Feb, hence the indoor nature of the picnic

Saw Shrek the Musical with two of my closest pals, Bec and Katie (I honestly forgot that this happened in 2020 hahaha) but it was ICONIC

Had a Jackbox night with The Boys

Had my cousin Amy from England over for dinner! I hadn’t seen her in 5 or 6 years, so it was so lovely to connect again like no time had passed at all

Went to Healesville Sanctuary, a lovely conservation park which focuses on preserving and educating its visitors about Australian animals, with Amy

 Went to mini-golf for a friend’s birthday on the leap day. He technically celebrated his 6th birthday which was excellent

Saw Cody Ko and Noel Miller live with Bec and Katie

Finished working at the church office to make room for the potential job opportunity at KidsCo

March:

Ahhh March, you shitstorm of a month. This is where everything started going downhill.

The first thing of note that happened this month was me injuring my ankle at basketball, which had me out of action for a few weeks. It was especially bad because I was nearing the end of my internship and was hoping to do my best work so that I would be chosen to stay on as an employee, but had to take a week or so off to rest my ankle. My ankle would continue to be tender and sore for most of the rest of the year

Went away for the Labour Day long weekend with the family

Finished up my internship at KidsCo. Honestly was lead to believe that I would be staying on as an employee and felt sort of betrayed after all the work I did for them, but whatever

 Had a party at Bec’s house to listen to Triple J’s Hottest 100 of the Decade. One of my favourite songs was number 1 which was a pleasant surprise

Went down to the holiday house for a few days just to have so me time and sort myself out

Animal Crossing New Horizons came out haha. Honestly was one of the highlights of this year though. I stayed up until midnight so I could download it as soon as it was available because that’s the sort of person I am  

Mum’s birthday dinner with Dani, one of my best friends, and her girlfriend Amy

Went for a hike at Sugarloaf Reservoir with Josh and got spooked by a mob of kangaroos

April:

My mental health started really taking a downward spiral this month for multiple reasons which I won’t get into here, but this is more a note to my past self to say that it will all be ok I guess? Idk I just felt like this needed to be here

Did my ankle badly again on Good Friday

Watched the Overwatch League live with my friends and just memed in the livechat lmao

WARNING - this is a bit TMI but I am going to share anyway since it was a big part of this year, and if you are reading this you are either a stranger or a good friend so I really don’t care lmao: This month I also started to get bad pains in my uterus, like, not period pains but deep, stabbing pains. This continued on for the next few weeks without me doing anything about it, except for increasingly getting stressed about it, although I will talk a bit more about this later.

Josh and I celebrated our 6th year together which was ~wholesome~

Called my friend Ashley from the US and just caught up. It was nice to see her face again. She is a good egg. I haven’t talked to her since but I really hope she’s ok.

May:

Watched Star Wars with Josh and his family for “May the 4th”

Started a volunteer job at Kivuli, a non-for-prophet that is based in Kenya, and started helping out with their website and social media stuff

Zoom movie time with my friends, we watched How To Train Your Dragon I think? Athough everyone was talking over the movie so I didn’t really get anything out of it

Played Scattergories (one of my favourite games) with Bec and Jess on zoom and just wrote really stupid and funny answers and I remember this being just what I needed

Went for a long walk with mum and one of her friends and her daughter on a track we don’t usually go on, which was a nice change of scenery

Went down to the holiday house for the first time in forever since restrictions were eased, at least for a little while lol, with the fam

Went to Portsea for a walk along the beach with Bec and her husband Trevor

Did an online trivia night that night with a big bunch of friends

Had a doctor’s appointment to see what was goin’ on down there. Honestly freaked that it could be something REALLY bad. Got booked in to have an ultrasound the next week, so at least I’d be finding out what was wrong soon.

The day after I got my results was the 21st of May, the day my mum and I were meant to be flying out to the UK to see my sister and her boyfriend. It was already hard enough a month or so before when I had to cancel my flight, but this day was so SO difficult. I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard. I am so blessed to have a boyfriend like Josh though. He was by my side the whole day, and held me as I cried. Oh man I am crying as I write this now, it was such a hard time but I know I will see my sister again.

And then the day after THAT whole ordeal was my birthday, which was meant to be spent in London with Jess but it turned out to be the first birthday we’ve had apart. This day was also hard, but made better by being with loved ones and having dinner at my grandma and grandpa’s house. Grandma’s roast potatoes make everything better.

Went to Geelong to see the other side of my family, it was so good to see my nan again. I love her very much.

Went to the Briars with Bec and went on a lovely nature walk and saw a lot of little wallabies and even an emu

Had an ultrasound and my pain turned out to be a 10cm wide cyst!!! So fun!!!!! Thank the heavens it wasn’t a child. I was so relieved. It is still in my body so that’s cute tho.

June:

Applied for a bunch of jobs, and even got a few interviews! Still no job.

The absolute highlight of this month, and maybe even the whole year, was going away to Lake’s Entrance and Yarram with mum, dad and Josh. It was so good to go to the country, I love country towns so much and the wildlife and nature is so beautiful in the eastern part of Victoria. If you ever get the opportunity I recommend going there!

We ate so much nice food and just relaxed. It wasn’t a perfect replacement for not going to Europe, but it was something at least.

Did more work for Kivuli which kept me busy

Went to Bec’s house to bake a cake. She came out to me as bi this day too, and the cake was coloured like the bisexual flag!

Started a short course through the university I went to in Facebook for Business. It was a great way to build up my skills.

Played Animal Crossing with Dani’s little sister, Tami, a very wholesome time

Looked after Josh’s dog Jed while his family went away for the weekend (also went into the start of July) and was honestly the greatest time

July:

Halfway through the year. Thank fuck.

Had another job interview

Went on lots of walks

Was just generally cold

Did a lot of cleaning

Painted the downstairs rooms at church, which took a few days and a lot of back pain, but it’s cool to think that I was able to contribute my energy and time to something while I was not feeling good at all

The restrictions were tightened again, meaning that I couldn’t go further than 5kms away from my house, except to see Josh, so this was a really lonely time for me.

Really got into Masterchef with mum this season. They had all returning contestants from other seasons so that was really fun to watch.

Got and assembled a new couch upstairs that I can say I actually own myself. I absolutely love it.

More walks, despite the cold

This was a very uneventful month, but that’s ok!

August:

Had a call with the hospital I’ll be having my cyst surgery with. It was good to know that things would be started. I had to have a blood test and a second ultrasound then put on the waiting list for surgery. Still no sign on when that will be happening though 6 months later. Just so lucky to live in Australia where all of these appointments are free.

Went for a really nice long walk with Josh. Got shat on by a bird.

Did lots of stuff around the house, just tidying and watering the plants and sorting through my wardrobe to purge all the clothes I grew out of

Had an online Switch games night with some friends which was fun. We played Smash Bros. and Mario Kart and just had a great time!

Ok this sounds super lame but my favourite podcast, The Jenna & Julien Podcast, finished forever which came as a surprise and was just really sad. I really hope it comes back one day.

Did my tax return lmao

Baked rice puff/marshmallow bar things

Made an ASOS order to fill my happiness with material things. Did get some cute clothes and lingerie tho 😉

More games with Bec and Jess, we played Golf With Your Friends this time

Had a cocktail night with Josh, where we just made a bunch of fun cocktails and got drunk. I can’t wait to live with him so we can do this all the time.

Lots of Kivuli work, as we are planning for our 10th anniversary fundraising event

September:

Baked cookies, which was something I did a lot at the start of lockdown but sort of drifted away from. I absolutely love to bake.

Started working for Media-Wize, a small PR company that was started by someone I know at church.

Started playing Among Us at the start of the month

So many Among Us nights omg, just call me queen impostor please

Did my induction for Media-Wize

Got  n e r v o u s  because I kept getting things wrong in my new job. I always seem to fuck up the good things and opportunities that I get

Did a livestream reading of The Great Gatsby on my friend’s Twitch stream. It was really fun and something I had never done before. I voiced Tom Buchannan, which was interesting but cool to sort of get into the character. I hope to do something like this soon.

I burnt my hair while cooking dinner and had to give myself a haircut lmao. It was the first time since 2018 that I had cut it so it was a long time coming anyway.

So much Media-Wize work. It felt good to finally be getting paid to do a job

Got locked out of my bathroom so I had to climb up the laundry chute to unlock it from the inside, all because a fly outsmarted me (it’s a long story… and honestly best told by speaking it)

October:

Had the Kivuli 10th anniversary livestream. Lots of work went into it and it was so much fun! It’s incredible that a non-for-profit that has benefitted so many children and families is still going strong. Such a blessing to see.

Dad’s birthday, and we had a picnic with grandma and grandpa and saw them for the first time since lockdown was somewhat lifted

Walked to Beasley’s nursery with Josh and got a coffee. This was the first proper, not McCafe coffee I had had in months and it was SO good

Played Animal Crossing with Dani

More Among Us, a theme for the last few months of 2020

Watched the AFL Grand Final. Wasn’t super exciting this year tbh, especially since we couldn’t have a BBQ or party or anything, but hopefully next year will be different

Nearly moved out of home with a friend of a friend, but since I didn’t have a job, didn’t think it would be a wise decision. Would’ve been nice though

Did some more Media-Wize work. I haven’t been given anything to do since this time though, so I don’t know what’s going on with that? They really be ghosting me tho.

Applied for JobSeeker so I would at least be getting a little income

New Jackbox came out, and had a games night with The Boys playing all the new games

Voted in the local election

Went to Westerfold’s Park with Josh for a lovely long walk

Played lots of The Sims 4 (but tbh I have been doing this all year)

November:

This month things sort of started to turn around, as Covid wasn’t hitting my state hardly at all, so I was actually able to see family and friends again!

Went to my old primary school with Dani and played basketball and just shot around and talked. She also came over for dinner. It was so nice, and she is a true friend.

Had a picnic at the park at the top of the street with my dad’s side of the family, all together at last

Melbourne Cup Day, not that I really care but it’s nice to get a day off. Went on a day trip to the Dandenong mountain range. It was so, so nice and bought some lovely little things from local shops, went for a bushwalk and had a bakery lunch

Went to the park to throw the frisbee and kick the footy around with Josh and his friends, although they are my friends too tbh

Had a picnic with a group of friends that I hadn’t seen since January, so it was so, so good to catch up with them and have a delicious BBQ dinner

My favourite online comedy group, Aunty Donna’s Netflix series came out! Had a virtual watch party with a few friends and binge watched it all in one go

Had lunch with grandma. This used to be a weekly occurrence but for obvious reasons was put off for this year. I absolutely adore her and every lunch we spend together is so precious to me

Went to Kyneton with some of the family as another day trip

Christmas shopping time again. So weird to be at the shops and feel sort of normal? I went 4 different times in the span of a week and a half haha

Josh’s birthday! We went to this maze place with has a bunch of big mazes and other fun activities. It was such a perfect day. Then we had dinner with his family.

Got a letter from the IRS saying that I needed to provide them with proof of identity, so that was fun trying to sort that out. We love the outdated US tax system <3

Went to a bridal shower for my friend Katie

Went for another hike with Josh to the mountains

Drove down to Geelong for a friend’s wedding and stayed at my nan’s house

Had a pub dinner and Jackbox night while down in Geelong with The Boys

A good friend of mine was leaving to live in Japan for two years, so I went to her house one last time to say goodbye and chill in her pool and just hang out

God why is it so hard to get a job?

December:

Omg we have made it to December. It truly is a miracle with how this year went tbh. And if you have read this far, thank you but also, how little of a life do you have?

Went to my friend Katie’s wedding. Sort of surreal to go to a wedding during a pandemic but it was fun and I got to see a lot of friends I hadn’t seen in a while

Enjoyed the hot weather and went to the beach a number of times with a variety of friends

Went Christmas shopping, and just shopping in general since it was safe to and shops had finally opened again

Got a job at a talent agency where you get gigs as a paid extra in TV shows and movies, which was pretty cool! I even had a professional photoshoot to get headshots done, something that I had never done before. Glad that I could get some pictures to use on LinkedIn though haha. Still haven’t been cast in anything but here’s hoping.

Had dinner and drinks with Josh, Bec and Trev in the city for the first time since it reopened. God I love Melbourne so much. It is just so magical on balmy summer nights. This was such a special evening, and was so good just to be in the city again

Had a lovely day with Dani, starting with breakfast and then going on a hike before the weather got too hot. We went to Sherbrooke Forest, a place I hadn’t been before, and it was incredibly beautiful

Had a number of job interviews this month too, none of which got back to me which was annoying :/

Now it was heading into the time where every weekend is packed with Christmas do’s so I’ll just collate them in this point. Lots of drinks were consumed and many delicious roast dinners

Had our annual Christmas Carol’s service at church. It was a blessing to be back in the building for the first time since March, and to be able to do something I love (singing) with some of my best friends was the best

Christmas eve I went to my grandma and grandpa’s house (on dad’s side) to help them set up for Christmas lunch. Spending time together just the three of us is so special, and I am so glad I was able to come over and just chat and be in their loving presence. Then that night I went to our 11pm church service to bring in Christmas day. It was a great service and was great to see our kick-ass minister give a sermon face-to-face.

Ok here we go, Christmas was a doozy, let’s go. So Christmas lunch was, as I said, with my dad’s side of the family, which is always a great time. Cracking open crackers and fighting over who’ll get the bottle opener or nail clippers is always a highlight haha. But we had the fucking best roast potatoes I swear. I need to know what my grandma puts into them because I could genuinely eat 20 of them and still have space. Then the rest of the afternoon was spent in a food coma until I went to Josh’s house to spend dinner with his family. Another delicious meal and great banter was what I needed, although I can safely say that I put on at least 5 additional kilos after that day.

The next day the fam and I headed to Geelong to see my mum’s side of the family. Was a great drive down and I listened to all of The Avalanches new album which had just released. Easily the greatest album of the yeah hands-down. So we spent lunch there and absolutely stuffed ourselves with more food. Three Christmas meals really took a toll on me, but I am just blessed as it is to have a loving family and food on the table.

The next day dad, Josh and I headed to the beach to spend that weird time between Christmas and New Year’s. To get there we took the ferry that goes from Queenscliff to Portsea, which is always a fun time, since we don’t often go from one side of the bay to the other (if you don’t know the geography of Victoria I apologise lmao). Mum didn’t come with us as she had some symptoms of Covid, so went home to isolate and get tested. Thankfully she tested negative and she joined us the next day.

Once I got back home I had to prepare the house for my friend Jono who was visiting for new years from SA. Many last-minute chores and cleaning was done haha.

New Years Eve! Went to pick up Jono and my other friend Sarah from the airport and dropped Sarah off at her accommodation and ended up staying there with Jono for a while as this was where the New Year’s party was going to be. Although, in true Victorian fashion, our premier announced that there was going to be a limit of 15 visitors at any house from 5pm that night. Excellent. We love a last-minute change of plans. So we had lunch and spent the afternoon at my friend’s house before heading to a local park to chuck the frisbee and kick the footy around. We also had our second annual NYE trivia competition, which my team lost by 1 point!! Dang I get so competitive, but we will win next year, I can feel it. The new year came through uneventfully, we were in the middle of a game of Scattergories or something like that when someone changed the channel on the TV to see the Sydney fireworks across the screen and like, 4 second left of the countdown. I gave Josh a bog ol’ smooch and gave my friends a big hug. We had done it. 2020 was defeated.

Conclusion (damn this really be an essay tho)

This year was undeniably the hardest year I had ever been through. Going through unemployment for the majority of the year and having no sense of purpose hit me hard but I am entering 2021 with the hope and willingness to get on track with my career. And I think I will be successful. A lot of truly awful things happened around the world this year as well, with the devastating bushfires at the start of the year, the powerful BLM protests, Coronavirus absolutely destroying lives and many, many other global events but through it all, here we are. I hope you all keep well this year and that your 2021 is infinitely better than your 2020.

Song of the Year: Tangerine – Glass Animals

Album of the Year: We Will Always Love You – The Avalanches (I CANNOT stress this enough, but you absolutely must listen to this album!)

TV Show of the Year: The Mandalorian - Season 2

Movie of the Year: Bombshell (the only movie I saw at the cinemas so didn’t have much to go with)

Memory of the Year: Going away with my family and just enjoying time away with each other

Thank you for reading this, if you’ve made it this far, you’re a real one <3

[innaminitus]

Italian nights #2

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Request: I had this idea for a fic with Loki based on Blank Space by Taylor Swift where reader like the song in front of other people because she’s crazy and manipulative and seductive and goes through a ton if men but Loki learns she’s super anxious and sensitive in private??? Idk if that works, and it’s up to you if you wanna add smut (from @psycho-on-thephone)

Warnings: part 2/2, language, smut

Word count: 2799

A/N: I decided to stay with Taylor Swift for this fic. Was thinking about getaway car but that would’ve been too savage. Anyways, it’s 3am and I’m posting instead of sleeping 

Gorgeous

Loki was watching you sway your hips to the music. You tried to sing along, but didn’t know the words and kept laughing at yourself, peaking at him from time to time to make sure his eyes were still on you.

Whiskey in his glass warmed him enough to care a little less about the worries of the world, your bare legs did the rest. You were not wearing any shoes, your feet moved on the sand as if it was the softest carpet when you joined other people’s dances.

You accidentally found a beach party organized by a hotel or a club and decided to join.

Your little agreement seemed to work. You’ve spent majority of the time together, he managed to be your distraction from whatever demons you needed to hide from. He enjoyed your company more than he would admit. There was something… mesmerizing about you. About how different you acted when you were among other people and when you were just with him. You were like two sides of the coin, and yet he somehow adored both of your faces. The crazy one, daring, the one that liked to drink and kiss was fun to spend time with, but it was your calm side, the one that wasn’t afraid to show vulnerability and calmness was the side he enjoyed most. He didn’t know why you decided to trust him with your feelings, but he was happy you did.

He could show claws thanks to you as well.

“I would gladly spank that ass of hers,” said a man on the barstool next to Loki, who turned to face him. He was watching you as well. “Bet she would enjoy every minute of it.”

Blood boiled in Loki, but he managed to not kill the man on the spot.

“You think?” The god raised his brow and his eyes were back on your body. You were smiling at some man, then at another, but not giving them much attention.

“One look at a girl and I know what she needs, believe me, dude. And this one here needs some good spanking…” He took a big gulp of beer and continued to follow you lustfully with his sight.

Loki forced himself to keep calm. No need to start a fight because of it. Yet.

“Why don’t you go and try your luck, then?”

The man laughed and shook his head.

“Maybe I should!”

You caught Loki’s sight, discretely asking you to come to him. You excused a girl you were dancing with and with a smile that made his insides twirl slowly walked to him.

He greeted you with a smirk, and ignoring the man next to him guided you to straddle his lap.

“My queen,” he murmured in your neck.

It took you just a mere second to pick up his game and your smile widened.

“My king…” You kissed his lips gently.

“Fuck, I am-“ The man next to you stuttered and Loki broke the kiss.

“What were you saying about my girl? Ah, yes. That she needs a good spanking,” he said as calmly as he could and you raised your eyebrow before turning to the man.

“Kinky,” your voice was almost erotic and Loki shivered at the sound of it. “You want to do it to me?” You reached and with your finger traced the hem of the collar of the man’s polo shirt. His eyes were slightly widened, he was drunk enough to think you were serious and was now thinking either about escaping this situation without a black eye or about you in his bed. Loki didn’t want to know if it was the latter. “You want to spank me, solider? Till my ass is nice and red for you?”

He couldn’t bare it. He didn’t want you to talk like that to any man that wasn’t him.

“Like hell I do,” the man said eagerly, completely ignoring the fact that you were on Loki’s lap.

It wasn’t even a second when you reached under your dress, to the thigh holster and pulled out freshly polished Colt King Cobra, aiming it at the man’s head.

His eyes widened in terror, he suddenly got as pale as a dead man. Somehow no one noticed that you were holding a revolver yet. Loki couldn’t hold a laugh at your mad action.

“Have some respect for woman around you, pervert. You never know if they aren’t able to kill you.” You smiled at him sweetly and reloaded.

“I think the lady wants you to apologize.” Loki smiled as well, although his smile wasn’t as pleasant as yours.

“I’m- I’m sorry!” The man cried, looking around for any help. Loki knew you didn’t have much more time to play anymore.

“Do you promise you won’t do it again?” Your voice sounded as if you were talking to a child.

“Yes! I promise!”

A single gasp somewhere near made you blow a kiss at the man, hide your colt and get off Loki.

“I’m bored of this party. Let’s go somewhere else.” You took his hand and dragged him with you.

You should think about the consequence

Of your magnetic field being a little too strong

You still held his hand even when no one could see you. You needed to feel that something was keeping you on the ground.

For a second you really thought you were going to pull the trigger. You’ve done it so many times before, it was as natural for you as breathing. Shooting unpleasant guys in unpleasant situations.

You needed cold shower.  

You weren’t sure what made you mad more; the man’s comment or reaction of your body when Loki called you his queen. Your stomach jumped, every inch of you wanted to hold him and kiss him. It wasn’t what you’ve signed for. You wanted distraction, someone who would keep your mind busy for more than just a few hours or one night, maybe friendship. Not this sick affection you felt. Not the need to touch him, to have him for yourself. You were scared about coming back to the States, to a normal life he wasn’t a part of.

You walked in silence along the beach, soon finding yourselves completely alone, far from loud music and laughs.

“I want to swim,” you said suddenly, stopping and locking your eyes on the sea. “With you.”

A day. You only had a day more with him.

You didn’t look at him when he walked behind you and with gentleness untied the strings holding your light, black dress. You pretended you didn’t shiver at his touch when he slid the straps down your shoulders and moved his hands along your body, releasing you from the dress. His fingers undid the belts of your holster and it was soon on the ground as well, leaving you only in your swimming suit.

You wanted it gone, too. You wanted him to take it off with his teeth, kissing his way along your body. But when you turned to him, he wasn’t looking at you. He was watching the calm waves.  

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way

He couldn’t look at you, not when you were almost naked, bare to his sight and no one else’s. He wasn’t sure he would be able to control himself.

You gently tugged on his shirt, forcing him to look at you. Your gorgeous eyes were locked on him, your fingers wrapped around the fabric.

“Are you going to swim in your clothes?” You asked, your voice sounded somehow insecure.

It amazed him how quickly you could change from psycho with a gun at a man’s head to an anxious girl, uncertain about her own being. He didn’t mind it. Not when he knew who you really were.

With two moves Loki’s shirt and trousers were on the sand.

“Come, then,” he said silently, not being able to take his eyes off of you once he laid them on your body.

You smiled slightly and nodded, turning around to take a few steps and walk into the water. He let himself enjoy the view of your almost naked body in movement before following you with a sigh. The water was warm, even though it was the middle of the night. You walked until the water was reaching your elbows and suddenly stopped, your fingers created elaborate patterns on the calm surface of the sea. Ha came closer, to see your face. Your jollity disappeared, evaporated into thin air.

Was it because of the man? Or did he do something wrong?

“Y/N?” His voice wasn’t any louder than a whisper.

You only snuffled as if you were about to cry. He’s never seen you cry, not from the confusing emotions boiling inside of you.

Loki took a deep breath and stepped in front of you and insecurely took your face in his hands, making you look at him.

“What’s wrong?”

And you should think about the consequence

Of you touching my hand in a darkened room

Easier question would’ve been what’s not wrong. His stupid, ridiculously beautiful face was right there before you, and you weren’t sure whether you wanted to kiss him or slap for making you want him.

You felt hot, shameless lust whenever he was so close to you. Your heart ached unbelievably every time you pretended to be his, because you wanted, no, you needed to be real or else you would rip yourself in two. But you were sure it was just the agreement for him. A handshake. You wished you never approached him, never interrupted that girl who was flirting with him. Maybe it would’ve been her problem now. The pain in chest.

You never thought of yourself as of somebody actually able to love anyone, not in a healthy way. You were possessive and manipulative. No one deserved that. You didn’t deserve anyone.

That’s why you just shook your head and smiled at him.

“Everything’s perfect,” you lied.

He raised his eyebrow at you.

“No, it’s not.” He stepped closer. “Tell me what’s wrong?”

You shut your eyes. Opened your eyes. Clenched your jaw. Relaxed your jaw.

No words were able to form sensible sentence.

You released yourself from his hands, placed yours on his shoulders and pulled him closer. Your lips fell on his, tongue forced its way into his mouth. It wasn’t a good kiss, your teeth hit his, but after a second you pulled away.

“That’s what’s wrong,” you gasped, shocked at your own actions. Psycho. “I can’t stay away from you. I want you.”

His breathing was heavy when he watched your face with disbelief painted on his face. He didn’t want you back.

“Y/N-“

“No, don’t say anything.” You shook your head. “This can never work. Not with my sick personality, and-“

“Oh, shut up.”

You couldn’t stop him and, to be honest, you didn’t want to. He kissed you, gentler than you kissed him, more passionate. You almost melted under his touch when he lifted you up without breaking the kiss and walked out of the water, his tongue dancing along with yours as he did so.

He muttered odd words that sounded like Norse and suddenly you were surrounded by a green light, at what you clung onto his wet body harder.

When the light disappeared, the sound of waves was also gone. You pulled away and looked around. You were in your hotel room.

“How did you…?” You didn’t manage to say anything more, because he pushed you on the bed and shut your mouth with his lips.

“Just an old trick.” He smiled and continued to leave a trace of wet kisses along your neck and collarbone.

He slowly slid both straps of your bikini bra before undoing it on your back.

“Loki…?” You panted silently when your nipple ended up in between his lips, tongue caressing the sensitive bud.

He lifted himself a little to look at your face, concerned.

“Do you want me to stop?”

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

His eyes were locked on yours and you were close to the edge of a breakdown. How could he want you?

“Skip the foreplay,” you asked quietly. “I need to feel you.”

You wanted him so badly, even if it was just for a night. Quickly, before he changes his mind and realizes how broken you are.

He rested his forearms on the sides of your head and kissed you sweetly. Why did it felt so real when it certainly was a dream?

“I don’t want to just fuck you like the other men, Y/N,” he said and pressed his lips onto yours again. “I want to make love to you. Let me…”

You shook your head, a tear you weren’t able to hold back anymore rolled down your cheek.

“You can’t want me,” you sobbed. “You can’t.”

“Stop telling me what I can. I want you. The real you, not the girl you pose to be.” He kissed the tear away. “Let me put the broken pieces together.”

You couldn’t say anything, you just wrapped your arms around him and pulled him to kiss. His lips fitted on yours perfectly, his hot kisses warmed your body.

“Please,” you sighed again. “Please, just fill me whole.”

He kissed your neck and with a flick of his fingers the rest of your clothes were gone. Nothing was separating you anymore, your burning skin touched his and when he parted your legs to line himself with your entrance you were already lost for him.

You didn’t want these feelings. You wanted them gone, to rip your heart and throw it into the sea.

He pushed himself inside you and you moaned loudly, completing his sigh.

And you are so gorgeous it makes me so mad

You make me so happy it turns back to sad

You clenched around him so perfectly he shivered and almost lost control over his arms, nearly falling onto you. Delicious sounds of your pleasure filled his ears when he slowly pulled out only to equally slowly push himself deep in. He didn’t want to take you fast, not this time at last. He wanted to take his time with you, to cherish every inch of your gorgeous body, but you didn’t want him to.

Did you felt the same way he felt about you?

Your hips gritted against him, hurrying him. He did as you asked, quickened the pace and moaned into your lips at the feeling of your wet, warm pussy clenching around him. Your fingernails left red marks on his back as he slid his hand in between your bodies and began to rub circles on your clit.

You squirmed under him, the sound only turning him on even more.

But you didn’t want him. You made it clear. You only wanted sex, after he so thoughtfully helped you avoid strangers in bed.

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

And you are so gorgeous it makes me so mad

The pleasure was overwhelming, Loki’s lips on yours swallowed every sound you made. His thrusts reached deep inside of you and your ecstasy was close, closer than you could imagine.

This isn’t love, you kept saying to yourself. This is just pure lust.

Another pretty lies.

You couldn’t bare it anymore; the pleasure surrounded you like the water you were just in, floated violently into you, making you cry.

Loki was just behind you, groaned onto your neck and, shaking, spilled himself inside of you, warmth of his cum helping you ride down your orgasm.

He was heavy breathing when he pulled out and collapsed next to you.

You didn’t know what to say.

He did.

“I love you,” he spat out as if it was an insult. “I love you, but I can’t be with you if you only want sex.” He turned to you and grabbed your face, forcing you to look at him. “Let me take care of you.”

He loved you.

“I am-“

“If you are going to say you are too broken for a relationship, cut the crap. I keep saying to you that I love you. Not the mask you put on every day. You.”

Tears rolled down your cheeks. If he was being sincere, this could actually work…

“Can you fix me?” You asked silently, his hands now gently cupped your face as he placed a loving kiss on your lips.

“There is nothing to fix.” He shook his head. “You have to let yourself love somebody again. Love me.”

You nodded, somehow believing every word he said.

“I love you.”

But what can I say?

You're gorgeous

[t-urbulence]

Best Artists of 2019

Hello and welcome to me forgetting how I do these things.

So as you may have noticed I got into kpop last year and then I continued getting into kpop this year. This year I got to know a lot of other artists in kpop and mostly spent my time listening to one specific artist (you will never guess whom) so this list is... just that ok. Also this category used to be called best newbies and only included artists I got to know in a specific year then I changed it to include any artist I listened to a lot but with a few exceptions all the music I listened to this year were new discoveries for me so...

Idk why I always overexplain these, huh.

Honourable mentions go to Monsta X, Nu’est, Chungha, Sunmi, Stray Kids, Bolbbalgan4, The Boyz, and returning artists Mamamoo ♥♥

7 - NCT (the whole of it but mostly 127)

As a baby kpoppie NCT always seemed so intimidating to me with its many many members but the few songs I liked from them upon first listen eventually lured me into getting to know them. Now I’m no expert but to me NCT is a little frustrating because I feel like the label could do so much more with them (and by more I don’t mean to make certain members work even more). I have to admit I often don’t feel like a proper fan because I don’t follow them very closely but to me their music is always the best part of the package and I care very little for their vlogs and... whatever else they’re doing, honestly.

But as a group I feel like they really could do anything as they’ve already explored so many styles and concepts there really isn’t anything that doesn’t sound like them. My personal favourites are Superhuman, Touch, and Boss but this year NCT Dream made a really good comeback I was 100% on board with with Boom, and Wayv’s debut Take Off was also 👌👌👌👌👌👌

6 - Oneus

I didn’t know a whole lot about anything when these guys debuted and I didn’t even know Valkyrie was their debut song for a long time. It was nice and I didn’t really keep them in mind any longer until they were on Weekly Idol with the other group I’ll talk about in a bit and then I mean, I just had to adopt them, I think we all did at that point. It was also around the time they had their first comeback and it was 👌👌👌👌👌👌 but they still only lived in my tiny brain as a group I’ll eventually get into. And then they released 가자 and I did!

They have two amazing rappers and a fairly versatile vocal line and a style that allows for both dynamic bangers and less radio friendly albeit still addictive tunes that defines their sound even further. I don’t know a lot about how they well-promoted they are, I know they have a shitton of schedules so I hope RWB calms the fuck down eventually and paces themselves because these boys are really promising.

I guess checking their title tracks, Valkyrie, Twilight, and *cringe* Lit should have to suffice but also Bingbing and Blue Sky.

5 - Tomorrow x Together

I never said I didn’t like them so stop staring at me.

Obviously their debut was exciting and interesting and I was really looking forward to seeing what they would be like. It wasn’t 100% my cuppa though Crown was an amazing song, I was still happy for them and excited to see how they would evolve overtime. I kinda fell off the bandwagon around May and June cause they weren’t really putting out content based around music and I’m not super interested in variety shows and reality shows unless I’m really invested in the members, but their first comeback was also 👌👌👌👌👌👌👌 The songs are really poppy and catchy and cover a variety of themes I think most people interested in getting emotional value out of music can relate to and Yeonjun and Soobin are just, simply put, my boys.

If I could have one comment on what I’d like to see change in the future it’d be the endless masking and layering of the vocals. I can just about tell their voices apart in certain songs but then they pump ‘em full of effects in other songs and I’m jus like whomstdve the fuck am I listening to?

Check out Crown and Run Away, their two title tracks so far and also my personal favourite, Magic Island and maybe Can't We Just Leave the Monster Alive? too and this one as well whatever.

4 - Taemin / Shinee

I’ll put these two together because yOU CAN’T SEPARATE THEM OKAY I mean it is true that Taemin’s solo material is vastly, vastly different from Shinee’s music but uh this is how I decided.

Shinee is very fun, very diverse, they have the most heart-wrenching songs and then the most upbeat melodies that kickstart the serotonin-production in my brain just like that. I mean they are just vocal powerhouses and they’re using it, but in the same time they have like, these low(er)-energy bops that are just so pleasant to listen to.

Shinee’s weird cause I have a Shinee playlist where I put all the songs I liked from them and I think I don’t know the title of a good half of them but I don’t think I’ve ever pressed the skip button while playing that playlist.

And then Taemin is just very different on his own. Vocally he’s way more strong than Shinee’s music would have you believe, and though he has a sexy concept going on most of the time he’s also not way over the top with it which is... weird to say because he’s very theatrical sometimes. But especially if you compare his most recent material to his solo debut stuff he just looks and sounds way more relaxed in what he’s doing (it’s almost as though he’s matured a little over the years. but only a little). Things you love to see: that.

From Shinee: Symptoms, Countless, The Reason, Drive, Don’t Let Me Go, 1 of 1 From Taemin: Stone Heart, Want, Move, Under My Skin

3 - Day6

I want you to picture this: me, crying.

I had heard about Day6 from one of my two kpop mutuals on twitter lmao but I always heard Days Gone By mentioned as the best song ever and when I checked it out I didn’t think it to be very special at the time. It was only because I thought Time of Our Life was ok and cute and Shoot Me was very catchy that I made a playlist with all their songs on it and listened to it one time when I had to walk a mile to the train station at five in the morning. And then I heard 121U and Headache and that was it.

I don’t think I say anything outlandish if I say Day6 could be from any other part of the world if you take a look at their sound. They’re very easy-listening pop rock, they’re the kind of melodic rock music I loved when I was in high school. So what makes them special?

That I love them, that’s what >[ I don’t think they have anything more than any other group in their genre but I think they just have everything to steal my friKKEN HEART. First of all I don’t know what kind of demon deal JYP made to get a hold of four vocalists like this, I mean they’re all different but instantly recognisable and their range is just ????????? I think Jae is considered the weakest vocalist (outside of Dowoon but I mean he’s drums) and even the notes that boy belts out are blowing my mind. He has a very natural, almost untrained-sounding tone, Sungjin’s very raspy and emotional, Young K’s voice is very open and full (I think he actually has the biggest range? I could be wrong), and Wonpil has that boyish, charming, kinda slippery but still stable voice that first grabs your attention.

And of course a lot of the writing credit goes to the group’s very own Young K which makes me feel a lot closer to them when I’m listening to their songs. So good job, guys, on everything.

Truly, though, getting to know Day6 has just been so special this year and it just goes to show how even mainstream pop music in korea can be so diverse and anyone could find something they like at any corner.

Holy fuckbucket, what should I even recommend? I guess listen to Shoot Me, 121U, Headache, then also my first favourite song, Somehow, my current favourite song Beautiful Feeling and my current second favourite song I Need Somebody and also their most recent comeback Sweet Chaos and my recent new discoveries Lean On Me, Goodbye Winter, I Would and but also just check out my Spotify playlist for them I literally love every single song on there. Fuck, Like That Sun, Letting Go, Sing Me, Rescue Me, 365247 i’M DYING HERE, SUNGJIN

BITCH, LIKE A FLOWING WIND

2 - Seventeen

hOkkkaAyy

For the longest time, well, for about five months I guess, I thought these guys would be first place on this list forever. They were the ones who broke the big BTS spell I was under for the second half of 2018 and I really just, fell facefirst into the diamond life. Getting Closer didn’t quite get me in the first round and even Home was a bit like, okay, cute, best of luck for them. Then something happened and both Getting Closer and Home just hit me like a fucking truck even though they’re on two opposite sides of the scale. You know. The song scale. The famous one? That one.

I made a tweet once that I still agree with, that loving Seventeen really is just cutting your own heart up into thirteen even-sized bits and every single bit is filled with so, so much love.

Like many/some(?) of the groups I love, Seventeen is self-composed and for that I am so grateful because their label Pledis is a shithole so thank fuck to Mr. Lee Jihoon for carrying the industry on his back.

The group consists of three units, all of which have their distinct strengths (except for the performance unit, those theatre nerds just had to be good at everything, didn’t they) and Seventeen makes time to explore all of those units, sometimes even making other subunits from different boy configurations (or boyfigurations for short) and somehow it manages to feel balanced and patient and not rushed.

And I especially love how admittedly they started to stop caring about what the public expects from them and they’re exploring concepts that excites them personally. They caught a lot of flak for releasing songs like Hit and Fear after the astounding success Home had back in January and a lot of fans and non-fans alike quoted the groups unwillingness to keep doing what has been proven to work as the reason of their diminishing sales and public interest.

And even though I personally enjoy their brighter concepts also, I just, I can respect that attitude, you know? At the end of the day Seventeen has an obvious and visible love for their own craft and there’s nothing more enjoyable than that.

Now I’m really in trouble as to what to recommend, they have so many different types of songs x”) Okay, Our Dawn is Hotter Than Day, Clap, Adore U, Home, Getting Closer. Also Hit. And like, a billion of their b-sides, just check my spotify playlist for them ok.

1 - Ateez

*feeling of fear*

Do I even have to go into why I love Ateez? Every time I think about them and just how big a part they played in my life this year I get this overwhelming urge to express just why and just how much I love them.

This year I really just... lost the ability to be happy about things that used to give so much happiness. It’s been a sad and scary downward spiral that I just don’t have enough strength to stop so I guess it’s no wonder that I’d latch onto the first thing that becomes an everyday positive presence in my life. Ateez and the memories connected to them this year have been the reason for the few and far between moments of happiness in my life in 2019 and for that I’ll forever be grateful.

It’s like. When it hits, it just hits, you know?

And I just can’t, can’t wait to scream my little heart out to their songs in March with Linn okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I guess if I could just have one wish it’d be for them to play Twilight, and Treasure, Illusion, Say My Name, Utopia, Hala Hala, Win, Mist, Wave, my whole Spotify playlist.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Slovenia to Eurovision with a dreamy couple

Oh boi, now here comes another NF I wasn’t interested in. I don’t hate EMA as a thing, it’s just that it’s infamous for not listening to what people want most of the time, often axing their faves (BQL, Raiven, Nika Zorjan, even going as far back as Saša Lendero and Nina Pušlar...). This year it seemed like Raiven finally had what it takes with her post-dubstep-era dubstep tune, “Kaos”. BUT did she go? Oh nope

Instead we got possibly the best thing that ever happened to Slovenia. That thing is this one entry sung by a cute crossover of Lorde and that trombone fetus thing from Courage the Cowardly Dog (well, at least she looks better than him, hence why ‘cute’), Zala Kralj, and she has her 2-year-long partner Gašper Šantl by her side too, to make up the musical part for the couple’s Eurovision 2019 entry for Slovenia, “Sebi”.

Let’s start reviewing this by complimenting its atmosphere. It’s cosmic. It’s pure. It’s pleasant. I feel like I’m floating among the stars... in the same way as if someone is projecting a star backdrop on a wall and I’m just against the projection, dancing silly. I feel like I’m covered in stardust. This is achieved by the composition of the song, which is very melodic, although a bit background-music-like. It incorporates a lot of those softened hi-hats, soaring synth waves and harmonious additional backing vocals (I think I heard those? whatever that was that adds more depth and gorgeousness to the song...). The lyrics are also cute, the poetry here is pretty fascinating, and I love the hints of intimacy and nature. The chorus reminds me that you have to stay true to what you are and who you stand for, and you don’t need to apologize for being different. Something along the lines of this. And Zala sounds like a person that could do a vocal ASMR therapy - and I imagine that as something that gives tingles to my neck everytime I hear it. You just need to strip the melody away and let me listen to more of those silent, soft-spoken, eerie whispers, and usually I feel creeped out and want it to stop, but at the same time it’s seducing and oddly enough I want some more.

This song has its faults though - it’s supposedly the song being repetitive (look at that chorus’ lyrics, just repeating 3 lines during it doesn’t really suffice, especially with the song being composed like THAT), Zala’s vocals being so hauntingly chill they even sound too calming or too monotonous, and this song is a simple electronic track with it just flowing all so well? Like, it’s something you’d find more on an unknown project’s Bandcamp page and that project usually has 1500 views or so on their videos. It’s a soothing ocean, it’s a galaxy, but sometimes the silence overwhelms you too much you just want to fucking scream... or fall asleep and miss the beauty of it all.

So as a whole it’s a stellar ride through galaxies and supernovas: the song. Great production, slight lo-fi vibe (idk how to explain it but everything here feels so... hmm... soft tune and quiet vocals make it to be something of the more indie-er side of a lower-cost production I suppose?) and sparks of pure bliss raining down on me whenever I remember or hear it. Truly, truly some indie goodness.

The most interesting part? The guys seem too overwhelmed about their Eurovision experience! Sure, Eurovision doesn’t require a too-laidback approach from the participants, but there always are Eurovision non-enthusiasts (seriously, don’t yell at Eurovision participants on Youtube comments when they fail to recognize a language of a song’s from a previous year! Just because they didn’t hear it and/or forgot the language, doesn’t mean they need to be put at stake), or those who just didn’t expect to win their NFs and then are like “shit um now I need to do something about that Eurovision thing I guess”. Salvador never really watched it before, AWS didn’t really hope to participate in Eurovision at the early stages of their NF, now we don’t really hear much Eurovision news and shit from these two Slovenians... well except of them releasing a shortened version of their song so it could comply to Eurovision’s lenght rules (giving it an apt sub title - “Dare to Dream Version”), declaring that one line of the song’s will be sung in English so that everyone not speaking in Slovenian could understand it better (just like Lea sang the end of “Hvala, ne!” in Portuguese because... well we all understand either of them, do we? lol) and that their staging will be similar to the one they had in EMA, and that their stage clothes won’t be the same but of a similar light color. They do have Eurovision in mind, but not quite as much as some other participants, and that’s perfectly fine. As long as they do their job right, that matters.

Approval factor: I may let you in on a little secret here - this is, in fact, my absolute favourite Slovenian entry this decade, if not overall. I have a hard time approving Slovenian entries because they end up lacking something at the end. This one... kinda fits in well with me, so Zala and Gašper did enough of THAT to warrant a big fat thumbs up for me.

Follow-up factor: Wasn't a big fan of Lea's song, BUT I can confirm that she started something good for Slovenia in Eurovision, especially after qualifying. And the couple certainly continued it, so it moves on well! ^^

Qualification factor: Now that's an interesting question... I might be wrong but a part of me fears for them to become the fan favourite duo/couple with a really pretty song that doesn’t qualify, like it already happened to Norma John and ZiBBZ before. They even have been drawn to semifinal 1, ffs. But maybe there’s still a spark of hope somewhere for the two, and I’d be inclined to believe that there is. I don’t wanna see sLOVEnia flop on the year I like their song, ffs. So I’m seeing a borderline result for thee, you the nation of usually fairly-underrated songs. Maybe this cosmic sea beauty will be in them finals.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

So, EMA 2019, eh? I guess that was a thing that happened. I at least admire the fact that they used dancing robots for their “not-so-postcards-but-postcards” that played before each performance (I mean, you’d get camera shots of the stage being set up for the act to perform next with their info graphic in the NF’s LED background and next to it there was a re-creation of The Creation of Adam with the other hand being one of a robot’s <3, then cut to EMA’s visual design of the year and the dancing robot person, another shot to the performing act, and then lights out). They had a good time there. And there was a duet singing Salvador Sobral’s ESC winning song, one of them performed by a person who had to be Salvador for a TV show. Ah, fun. I wasn’t all in up for the she-bang (instead I watched A Dal Semi 2 and Supernoval final on that night), but I got some other goodies that I noticed that people noticed before me, for y’all to reminisce. Here are some moments and some songs that lost to this lovely pair:

• So what’s the deal with Raiven, anyway? She’s on the show for her third time, and has already firmly grasped onto the iconic NF partaker’s status, together with.. well... other NF 3-timers (that are mostly from Sweden). This time she went all her way out to prove y’all that “dubstep’s not dead in 2019!!!1″ with her song, “Cows” “Kaos”, and a rather interesting effect show taking place on her face. I don’t know why but Raiven’s and Aly Ryan’s from Germany stagings remind me of each other, maybe because of them being so interesting? Anyway, like as usually, this multicolored songstress failed to grasp the victory of her country’s national final, and honestly, good for that to happen because in my irrelevant opinion, the dubstep in “Kaos” is ridiculously unnecessary and it doesn’t make the song flow very well. Just rework the chorus to make it more suited to the song and maybe it could have worked, as the last 30 seconds and the verses actually rock! I love me some songs that make me feel like I’m listening to sunset transcribed to actual melodies and sounds.

• The 2015 entrant couple, Raay and Marjetka, are incredibly restless for some reason, and it’s that because they have co-written quite a few songs over the past few years even since their eventual victory as themselves in 2015. Maybe they’re the Slovenian Stig Rästa, probably as in “we loved the Eurovision green room experience so we always want some more!” kind of way. This year they did 2 songs: an electro-swing inspired number about Fridays and “spending some quality time with one’s girls” for the Slovene JESC debutee Ula Ložar and a radio-pop-esque track for a lady named Kim (not Verson). The one that I gravitated towards more will have its video down below and it is probably obvious a bit now. And if it was my will, I’d’ve replaced Raiven with the below lady in the superfinal because... frankly, yet again, I’ll restate that imo it wasn’t Raiven’s year even without the eventual winners having participated...

• For a country of whose NF’s I didn’t seem to care about, they indeed had quite a few nice numbers. I already shed my thoughts on 2 of them, now here’s another one. Somehow, most countries out there shied away from having rock songs (well except Hungary because I don’t really see any other NF with more than 3 of those clearly audible rock/metal tracks, maybe has to do with the fact they already sent one last year), and as a result, none of the actually submitted ones won because things didn’t really go well with even the slightest rock-sounding songs last year (except one of them almost got into top 10). So one of the rock gems we happened to lose came from Slovenia. INMATE brought the 00s American alt-rock sound that was popular with uncomfortable teens that acted outrageous with their song “Atma” (which somehow means “soul”??). And man they were banging.

• There’s not much I want to say about the rest of the NF’s gems that you missed. Well, there was one song about horses that is considerably well-received by the fandom, perhaps because of the slow and relaxing ballad sound that surrounds it (but they don’t know the lyrics enough to start hating it). And a song co-written by last year’s Svenskfloppen winner that, as he was destined to, flopped in Melodifestivalen as well. And a decent club track that was actually one of my other favourites, together with “Atma”. And some 00s teen sitcom theme song performed by a completely-careless-about-their-image-band (they call themselves Lumberjack but they dress nothing like ‘em, I assure you) with chill-surfer-attitude-bearing, long-haired lead singer. They brought in a nice vibe at least with their color-splashing LED images and slightly energetic performance. And like I said about how the lead singer looked... well just look at him and try to not see him as a troublemaker teen archetype from a high school rom com or at least irl that can’t score a date:

Damn, Manel Navarro really let himself go.

• Lea Sirk, besides performing the ESC winning song from two years ago in a duet with someone, and obviously re-appearing to be a honourable guest after having won EMA last year after like 4-5 tries, also served her part as a jury member. Y’know, one of those people that maybe visibly or not visibly tried to push Raiven to her eventual EMA win after her 3 tries so that she wouldn’t become an annoying NF hogger for years on end. Well that didn’t happen because the televoters went for the Zalšper couple! You gotta love it when the teleaudience picks that song for Eurovision that is performed by those that didn’t specifically submit it because they wanted Eurovision, right? Well apparently, Lea took the loss of Raiven as a small stab to her heart and was heard complaining about the unexpected outcome (simply not being able to believe Raiven lost), out loud, to the viewing audiences at home and in front of computer screens. Yep, THAT happened... And I couldn’t be bothered to find a clip of it anymore, so instead I’ll post some pictures of a visibly shook Lea with her new hairdye on fleek (I guess that was to reflect Raiven’s love for hair dye?):

noooo why do I have to give a trophy to those whom I did not support to win... well fine I will

With all that out of the way, I just really hope for this lovey-dovey duo all the best possible with having to carry the responsibility of representing a country in a very big European music competition on their shoulders. They aren’t seemingly stressed out themselves from the looks of it (if they were in a Brantsteele’s Hunger Games simulation, they’d be those people who’d pick flowers all the time), but you know what happens when you’re given such a big honour but you let what the honour stands for down, upsetting the others who look up to the honour somehow. Terrible, terrible things. Hope the haters don’t grind these two down if anything happens. Srečno!

[wiccamoody]

Alright, under the cut is my ii review. It's very long and divided into sections because I'm like that.

The audience

I'm starting off with the easy bit. So something I didn't entirely expect (but kind of did at the same time? Usually I'm pleasantly surprised by these kinds of events) was how old I felt. I'm 19. I'm practically a baby. I shouldn't ever feel old unless I'm surrounded by kindergarteners. But besides people's parents and a few people who I could tell were my age or older, everyone was so young. I mean, duh, I'm pretty sure the average age in the phandom is like 16 or something, but it was wild to me, though maybe that's because I've curated the shit out of my fandom experience. And this wasn't a bad thing at all! The only bad thing about feeling 'old' was that people letting out ear splitting screams at literally nothing was giving me a headache and made me roll my eyes at multiple points (ahem, I think screaming when you see the empty stage that we've seen a million times before is a bit much, but maybe that's me being grumpy). Otherwise, it was really, really nice to see such a diverse and lovely group of people come together and just have fun. I wasn't dancing at any of the songs or whatever (but you bet your ass I sang my heart out when WTTBP was playing), however it was really cute to see people in such good moods. It's one of my favourite parts of fandom events. I was glad that this one wasn't like some events I've been to where people are dicks to everyone is they aren't friends with. Everyone just seemed so nice and happy, and I really felt a sense of community there too, which was lovely. Also, even though I've said this several times, it really was so lovely to meet @lesterchuu and @astudyinfondness. They were so lovely and it was great to meet people off the internet. 

Okay, now that we've got the fluff out of the way, let's get to the meat of this review: the show.

Dan

To put it plainly: Dan was acting. I'll get into why Phil was but also "wasn't" acting, but it was very clear that Dan was playing ~Daniel Howell. He had a few character breaks, like when he smacked his leg into the stage twice and almost said fuck both times. He also fiddled with his mic a lot, and I don't know if that's giving his hands something to do while Phil's talking, or if it was actually bothering him, but it was something I noticed.

Speaking of mannerisms, I was surprised to see how, for lack of a better term, 'campy' Dan's body language can be. He also walked very awkwardly across the stage a few times, which made me laugh.

Anyway, Dan was really interesting for me to watch because he was so in character the whole time. His 'Dan' voice is something that kind of bothers me after a while (which is why I like his liveshows the best out of his solo content), and while I didn't get bothered by it during the show, I was extremely hyper aware of its presence, which was the main thing that made me go "Oh Dan's really acting right now". Maybe that should be super obvious since I've listened to audio clips of the show before and know that it's 90% scripted, but I suppose I wasn't expecting it to be so obvious to me when I was watching it. Also, it was incredibly jarring (but also pleasant, in a way) to hear Dan's cackle irl. Along with that, Dan's facial expressions were always 'turned on'. Besides when he fixed his mic, whenever Phil was talking he looked full of energy and rearing to go.  Dan's dedication to his character kind of took me out of the loose narrative of the show because of how obvious I found it to be, but I know that's just me over analyzing things since I generally find Dan's mannerisms so interesting to watch. He did a really great job though.

Phil

I found Phil so much more interesting to watch through the whole show. Phil was definitely acting, but it was different from the way Dan was acting. Dan had the pacing and energy of someone who has to stay in a relatively emotionally stagnant character, while Phil came across very similarly to how he does in his videos. It was definitely played up a bit more because he's still acting in a stage show (side note: they must have decided to get some training before this one because they were a lot less stiff than in tatinof. I've only seen the youtube red version of it, but even then their acting was Not Great in it compared to this time around), but he felt more true to the Phil we see on the gaming channel and in liveshows than Dan did.

I think a lot of Phil's behaviour in this particular show was influenced by how exhausted he seemed to be that day. He looked tired in his instagram story, and on stage he definitely had a more neutral face than Dan did when Dan was talking. There were a few moments where I could see Phil falter and watch his expression shift to his 'Done' face, but it was only for a split second every time (yeah, I barely looked at them when they were talking. I was mostly trying to see what they looked like when the other was talking because for some reason I feel like that's more telling. Maybe I'm weird idk).

I'm not sure if he always sits for the simulation bit, but the fact that Dan didn't made me think that they usually stand so I think the tour was really starting to take a toll on him near the end there. He also popped a few squats and swayed his hips a lot which was amusing to me. Oh, and a bit that I found hilarious was after he got off the wheel and was undressing, he bent over so his ass was facing the audience while Dan was talking and everyone cheered which cut Dan off. Phil was struggling to get the suit over his shoes too so he kind of waddled into one of the wings but the spotlight kept following him. Eventually he just sat down on the stage and pulled it off, but I thought it was a funny moment (even if it's something that happens at every show where Phil's on the wheel).

Something else about Phil that really shone through here, similar to how it is in videos but not to the same extent, is how naturally funny he is. Again, it wasn't to the same extent that it is in videos since he's acting, but some of their little ad libbed moments were so much better because of Phil's quick humour.

Dan & Phil

Something I noticed right away was that their dynamic was far from the flirty and silly one we get on dapg, or even in joint videos/liveshows. I expected this since the show is mostly scripted, so that's fine, but it was still  very obvious to me the entire time. They didn't bounce off of each other in the same way they do in videos of course, but god they work so well together. The show didn't change my perception of them in the slightest, but it did make me see how much of a unit they really are. This was something I was very aware of before obviously, but seeing it irl made it a little more concrete, which was interesting. They really are the perfect package deal together and for each other. Their dynamic made me crave more from them though. The inner workings of their relationship are so interesting to me, and while it's far more likely than not that we'll ever get even the smallest glimpse into that part of their lives, it has me intrigued. But more on that later.

Moving onto the extremely superficial portion of this section, I was surprised to see how...similar they look to how they appear in videos. I was close enough to be able to see their sweat and whatnot, and I found it odd how they actually do look like they do online. I realise how ridiculous that sounds, but it was something that was running through my mind. The way they move their bodies was really quite awkward at times, but honestly I relate and I had a feeling they would be a little awkward in some bits. There was a moment when Dan looked right at the spot where I was sitting for a long time (obviously not directly at me, but in a spot either right in front or behind me--maybe he zoned out) while he was talking about something. I think it was during the real conversation section because he was sitting down, but I really didn't hear anything either of them were saying because my mind was like "wow his eyes are a really nice shade of brown" haha. In short, they're both pretty. Oh, and I could definitely see Dan's nipples the entire time.

The show & what I took away from it

To sum up my feelings in a few words: I really enjoyed myself! I had a lot of fun, but all it really did was make me crave a real conversation with them. This show was not nearly as enjoyable to me as a video or a liveshow, and I didn't expect it to be. I knew that it was going to be formulaic and that there would be a few moments that I would genuinely adore, but otherwise it was just going to be a fun time where I spend way too much money and get to see them 25 feet away. That's not a bad thing, either. I'm okay with that. I went in knowing that nothing revolutionary is going to happen because this show really isn't about me as a fan, or my fabricated one-way friendly connection to them, or what I want from them. I'm simply there to enjoy myself and explicitly support them monetarily, which is expected and fine. And I also never anticipated this show to be mind blowingly spectacular or anything, concept and script-wise. I don't expect that from Dan and Phil ever, and that's really not why I watch them. I'm definitely here because their chemistry is like nothing else and I find their relationship so fascinating. I think overall as someone who wasn't anticipating much and who had spoiled themselves as much as possible, seeing it actually exceeded my expectations. And it's a big plus in my book that it actually was a lot better than tatinof (but that's a whole other post tbh). The only thing that really annoyed me was the way fic is treated, but this happens in every show so I was expecting it, though it didn't stop me from being unimpressed. Oh, and I didn't appreciate being constantly shamed for voting for the craft videos. We all know that's where their content peaked.

I'm a little frustrated by how much it made me actually want to get to know them though, like I said earlier about being intrigued by the inner bits of their dynamic. I've said this for years, but I'd really love to have a long chat with them over coffee or drinks. I think it would be interesting. But that's a pipe dream and a half so this will definitely suffice.

I adore how queer the show was too. The fact that they're comfortable enough now to travel around the world with so many queer references in the scripted parts of their show makes me really happy for them.

Overall, I left the show in a good mood and feeling really fond of them. It was a nice time.