#I packed my life up and moved to Cali at 20

[hiddenbysuccubi]

I don't want to jinx it because I still have to do the paperwork and stuff but I accepted the job offer to the nicer job that I'm likely not qualified for. 20/hr, 400$ rent in a nice house with a kitchen, wifi, laundry, parking. Working 9-4 serving lunch, getting more BOH experience for my resume.... On the Ocean in beautiful Cape Cod.

[how2fit]

Gal Gadot—you know, the real-life Wonder Woman—is the kind of friend you want to do all of your workouts with. And no—not just because, judging by her super-toned muscles, they're incredibly effective. She also just seems to be having so much fun while she's doing them, from start to finish—especially when boxing is involved. In a video she posted to Instagram, Gadot showed off an arm-numbing boxing sequence that, despite being incredibly hard, also looks like the most badass and enjoyable way to work out, ever. Mostly because after effortlessly throwing all those punches, she finishes with a mini dance party at the gym. See? Just like I said. There's no better workout buddy. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp9qq3sFbs5/ Since this lady's schedule is pretty packed, there's no reason you can't just box it out solo, and Jennifer Aniston's trainer Leyon Azubuike—the founder of the Cali-based boxing studio Gloveworx—has the ultimate line-up of moves that will leave you breathless. Oh, and sore. Definitely sore. "Boxing is the best way to get in shape because it incorporates so many body movements," Azubuike says. "The core is always engaged and burning, and the arms are lengthening every time you throw a punch, so you're getting a toning effect." With a combination of traditional cardio to increase your heart rate and a handful of the most effective boxing moves, it won't be long before this combo has you feeling like a superhero yourself. These 5 moves from Leyon Azubuike will have you on Gadot's level in no time. 1. Jumping rope: Skipping rope isn't just the perfect warmup. It's also a killer way to work your entire body, from head to toe. "My top move is definitely the jump rope. It includes the shoulders, triceps, core, and legs," he says. 2. Mountain climbers: These bad boys always get the job done, whether you like them or not. In an elevated plank, alternate driving your knees to your chest. "Do them for 20 seconds on and 10 seconds off, making sure your spine is neutral, core is tight, and shoulders are over the elbows and wrists," he says. 3. Shadow boxing with two-pound weights: When you shadow box—AKA punch the air—while holding two-pound weights, you'll get all the toning benefits, Azubuike says. Start with both hands at your chin and take turns alternating each arm, extending it fully before bringing it back in. Try them for 20 seconds on and 10 seconds off. 4. Jumping jack to jab: Think of this as jumping jacks with a twist. "It's starts like a traditional jumping jack, but here’s the kicker: After you land, immediately convert to your boxing stance and then throw a left-handed jab. Do another jumping jack, then throw a right-handed jab from your boxing stance," he says. Continue alternating each arm. 5. The roll—AKA bobbing and weaving:Want to feel like a true boxer? Then you have to learn how to bob and weave. "This exercise hits the lower body and gets the legs, glutes, and core burning," Azubuike says. "In boxing, it's important to evade your opponents' offense. With your hands at your chin, I want you to slightly bend your knees while keeping your chest up and back flat and do a move called the roll, also known as bobbing and weaving. Bend your knees just enough to where your legs start to burn and come back up in a U-type of motion." After 30 seconds, your legs will be on fire. Here's what one boxing champ eats to power through her intense, hour-long workouts. Or, find out how Gisele Bundchen uses boxing to help relieve all her stress.

[pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles]

The Sweetest Taste

AU Ice Cream Shop Featuring Cake for the 5sos fic event sponsored by @maluminspace and @h0tsos

Word Count: 5,979 (I’m a long winded bitch, oops)

CW: this is smut so 18+, NSFW etc. M/M and M/F oral as well as sexual situations and strong language from the outset and throughout.

Special thanks to @adoring-lrh for helping me edit this monstrosity.

Event Masterlist

"I'm so bored," Calum complained, leaning back against the counter. 

"Me too, but I have to train you how to close so you're not leaving early," you told him but you were just as bored as him. 

Your parents had recently expanded the family business by opening up a second Cali-Cone Dream location in the touristy "historic district" downtown. Your dad's grandparents started the ice cream shop after moving to California from Missouri after World War 2.  They'd invested their life savings in the shop and helped build the boardwalk. You’d grown up in this shop, and since it was early in the season and still slow, it was up to you to train the new hires. It was a pain in the ass, but at least your parents weren't breathing down your neck. 

"If you keep complaining I'll make you clean the freezer. You'll have shrinkage for a week," you teased him. 

"Like you wouldn't find a way to fix that," he shot back, wiggling his dark eyebrows at you. 

Calum was the only new hire you liked. Jeremy was a kiss ass to your parents, Rico was boring, and Amanda was dumber than a bag of hammers. The smartest thing to come out of that girl's mouth was her boyfriend's dick. You'd already told your Mom it wasn't going to work out when you'd asked her to cut lemons for tea and she came back with oranges. Calum, however, was funny, a quick learner, and great with customers, not to mention drop-dead gorgeous.

"How is it only 3 o clock? Can we play cards or something? If I stand here much longer I'm gonna keep eating ice cream, and this is supposed to be my hot girl summer," he pouted before giving you a saucy wink. He was a total flirt and you weren't complaining. Three weeks ago he'd barely said a word, but you two had become fast friends and he'd really come out of his shell. 

"I don't think you have to worry about that," you laughed.

 The dark blue, slightly too tight, uniform t-shirt accentuated his bulging biceps, broad chest, and golden brown tan. The Cali-Cone slogan, "The Thrill of the Taste" scrawled across his back in bright red letters kept giving you dirty thoughts. 

"We could close early, maybe show me another of your secret spots." Calum leaned towards you with a smirk and you rolled your eyes.

 A week ago you'd gotten tired of him whining that there was nothing to do now that the college bars were dead since most students went home for the summer. You'd taken him out with you after you closed up shop. You'd avoided the popular rowdy country bar, and the dark thumping underground hip hop club, choosing instead to head for the beach. You took him to a spot under the boardwalk past the large boulders known as "The Breakers" where the local police patrols usually stopped.

You brought your beach bag and a popup tent you could both lounge in so bugs wouldn't eat you alive. He'd managed to sweet talk a bottle of wine out of his landlady, who knew he was only 20. It wasn't very strong, but it made you giggly and warm. Perhaps Calum lounging next to you on the blanket had something to do with that.  After a few rosé flavored kisses his hands began to wander, and you had to put an end to it.  Calum started to apologize, but you told him that the only reason you stopped was that your cycle hadn’t ended yet. 

After that, Calum laid back on the blanket and began to talk.

He told you he was in his second year studying music composition and theory at the Strozzi Conservatory. He'd recently broken up with his high school sweetheart, and it had been painful. As a result Cal decided to not go home for the summer, deciding instead to take a workshop on-campus teaching local teens. He was a bit lonely but looking forward to the tourist season.

"This is the first time I've had time to myself where I don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks about me or what I do," he told you, taking a gulp before handing you the wine to finish off. You were sitting up and he was laying across your outstretched legs looking up at you.

"Ooh the wild college years," you laughed. You had seen many sheltered middle-class suburban kids get the first taste of freedom away from their helicopter parents and lose their minds. "If you're trying to get fucked up don't buy anything on the boardwalk. I've got a friend so at least you know it's clean." 

"Nah not like that, but good to know." Calum took a deep breath, looked up at you, and then away. The shadows from the small camp lantern made him look mysterious and brooding. "Can I tell you something? I feel like I can trust you." His voice was soft and he rolled on his side concentrating on tracing lines along the skin on your legs. 

"You can tell me anything," you assured him.

"I want to--uh I guess experiment with different sorts of types of experiences with something new. I mean, obviously new. What I mean is, not what you'd expect maybe. Shit!" Calum rubbed his eyes and you held back a smile. "What I'm trying to say is that," he paused again.

"Calum, are you into guys?" You ask, not wanting to rush, but you were running out of time. You only had about half an hour before the tide would start coming in and you had to leave. 

"Is it obvious?" He asked, his eyes wide. 

"Nope, I wouldn't have guessed at all, but I've had this conversation with a friend before. I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me, but we have to leave here in a bit." You checked your phone.

“So that’s it?” he asked. 

“Dude, it’s not that serious. Tell me who you’re scoping out and I’ll let you know what’s up. That doesn’t mean we can’t have fun as well,” you told him.

He looked so relieved, and you could only imagine what it took for him to tell you that.

Calum sat up and you started rolling up the blanket. You packed up your beach bag and Calum held the lantern as you twisted and folded the tent in three quick fluid motions before sliding it into its bag. 

"How did you do that so quickly in the dark?" Calum looked impressed.

"Practice, now come on, follow me, watch your step. It's slippery," you cautioned him.

It had gotten chilly and you were both shivering as you ran back to your car. 

"You won't tell anyone at work will you? I know it's not a big deal but I don't want everyone in my business." Calum bit his lip and you could tell he was questioning his decision.

"Dude you're fine, but what made you decide to tell me?" The question slipped out before you realized it.

He looked embarrassed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I was hoping maybe you could help me out. I don't know how to read people and I don't want to make an idiot out of myself." 

"Of course," you replied, reaching over to squeeze his hand. “Did you have anyone in mind?”

“Well there’s this lifeguard. He’s blonde and has a bird tattoo on his arm,” Calum told you. 

You cringed, knowing exactly who he was talking about. “Sorry sweetie,” you replied, “ that’s Cody and he’s not only straight, he’s a complete jackass.”

Calum slumped and looked defeated. “Don’t worry sweetie,” you reassured him. “The summer is just getting started”

A clap of thunder pulled you from your daydream.  If it was going to rain there was no chance business would pick up. You glanced over at Calum perched on the stool behind the cash register playing on his phone. His dark curls were falling across his forehead and your fingers itched to play with his hair. Being bored and horny was never fun and you were willing to bet Calum could take care of both. As if he could read your mind Cal looked up and caught your eye. The smirk that spread across his face let you know you were being too obvious, but you didn't care. 

"If you keep looking at me like that I might forget I'm on the clock,"  Calum licked his lips and looked you over. "You're lucky there are cameras."

"Oh yeah? What did you have in mind? It just so happens I know all the spots the cameras can't see," you raise your eyebrows at him, challenging him to take it further. 

The loud jingle of the bells hanging from the door startled both of you. You look up to see a familiar figure ducking through the door just before the sky opened up and began pouring rain. 

"What's up Luke? Since when are you afraid to get wet," you teased the tall blonde walking towards the counter. You'd known Luke Hemmings for years, his dad was on the city council with yours and his mom taught sixth grade. He'd been a year ahead of you in school, and you'd both played varsity basketball in high school. He'd dated several of your friends, and before that, your older sister had a tumultuous relationship with his brother Ben several years back. 

"Maybe I'm sick of the pool and want my old job back," Luke shot back. He'd worked three summers scooping ice cream next to you until he turned 18 and could work as a lifeguard on the beach. 

"Sorry, dollface, I've managed to replace you, I even found someone better looking," you replied. 

The Hemmings brothers were gorgeous and always had girls falling at their feet, but you'd never been that impressed. Not that it stopped y'all from hooking up on occasion, including once in the walk-in cooler after closing the summer before your senior year. It was a small town and you'd dated, hated, or hooked up with most of the guys your age.  Luke's history was more extensive than yours. He'd not only hooked up with you and many of your female friends, but you'd kissed many of the same boys. 

He looked from you to Calum who was standing to your right suddenly engrossed in the patterns on the tile floor. You could see the flush on his cheeks and his leg was jiggling nervously. Luke looked Calum up and down, his blue eyes lingering on the younger man before shooting you an approving grin. 

"I see you found a college boy. Can't say I blame you, much better looking than that ginger from last year," Luke snickered.

"I'm gonna go check the cooler," Calum told you, barely audibly before ducking in the back. 

You looked at Luke who was as confused as you were before excusing yourself to follow Calum. 

You barely made it around the corner before Calum popped out at you nearly scaring you to death. 

"What the hell," you squealed as he pulled you into the freezer.

"That's the guy I was telling you about," he hissed as the door shut behind you.

"What are you talking about?" 

"Remember when you drove me home the other night? You asked if I had anyone in mind so you could find out which team they played for," his voice was a panicked whisper, and his dark eyes were wide as saucers.

Then it clicked. "You were talking about Luke?" I asked, my voice louder than I meant for it to be.

"Why are you yelling? Yes, obviously that's him, except you told me his name was Dylan."

"You said tall, curly hair, with a bird tattooed on his arm. Luke doesn't have any tattoos, his mom

hates them," I replied, but doubted myself now. I hadn't seen Luke in ages, he'd always been a spoiled Mama's boy and maybe Liz finally caved.  

"That tall drink of water has a hummingbird tattooed on his arm, but that's not important right now. Have y'all hooked up?" You nodded and Calum scowled. "Figures he would be straight," he sighed.

Your brain finally caught up to the situation at hand, and you had an idea. 

"Listen to me Calum, you're gonna wait on him. Offer him a strawberry waffle cone, it's his favorite," you pushed him out of the cooler and back towards the front. 

You popped your head around the corner and whistled making Luke look up from his phone. "I'll be out in a second. I keep telling Dad this freezer needs replaced, have one on the house, but try not to scare off my new employee please," you shoot him a stern look as Calum came around the corner behind you. 

"I'll try not to bite, but I make no promises," Luke laughed before turning his attention to Calum. 

You moved just out of their sight, but still within earshot to see if your little plan worked. 

"So uh, yeah, the boss said you could have a free waffle cone. She said you like strawberry ice cream," Calum started out a squeak but he cleared his throat and continued, in a deep rough tone that gave you the shivers.

"Did she now?" Luke's voice dripped honey and you could hear him smiling. "I'm surprised she remembered, but she's good like that." 

"That's why she's the boss," Calum was cautious, and you stifled a laugh. "Have y'all known each other long? Are you close?"  

"Oh we know each other very well, and we've been close, very close sometimes. She's easy to talk to, I'm sure you know how it is," Luke answered and you had to put your hand over your mouth to hold back a laugh. You'd recognize that syrupy flirtatious tone anywhere, it was obvious Luke was seducing your new employee. You peeked around the counter to see Calum handing Luke his ice cream cone. A double scoop, perfectly dipped, pink and creamy, just barely starting to drip around the edge you watched Luke begin to lap it up while keeping his eyes on Calum.  

The power flickered as Luke leaned back against one of the tables in the dining area, half sitting half standing, his long legs crossed at the ankle. He was wearing the black swim trunks trimmed in bright red every lifeguard wore on duty and a thin white reflective windbreaker unzipped almost all the way to his waist revealing his broad bare chest. You could see Calum fidgeting nervously with the ice cream scoop while trying not to stare. Luke was not making that easy, his lips and tongue working obscenely in a way that was starting to make you horny, and you knew what he was doing and why. Poor Calum didn't stand a chance. It didn't help that he'd worn basketball shorts to work and the clingy fabric made his arousal obvious even where you were standing. 

You stepped back trying to figure out your next step. Your intention had been to introduce Luke and Calum but watching them together made your thoughts wander places they shouldn't. The rain was really coming down, sheeting the windows and sounding like pebbles being hurled against the roof. Daylight had turned dark as the storm really kicked up. You could hear the guys talking as you checked the weather on your phone. You were stuck here at least another 30 minutes as a big blob of red on the radar moved through your area. 

"She said I dare you to kiss the person on either side of you, and I didn't know if I wanted to kill her or kiss her." You heard Luke's voice and realized you'd zoned out and you headed back towards the front. 

You stepped through the swinging doors just in time to hear Calum ask, "why was that?" 

"Because the girl to his left was my friend who was absolutely gagging for Luke's cock," you answered as Calum jumped and Luke laughed.

"What was her name? Crystal? Kristen?" Luke bit the tip of the waffle cone off and sucked the remainder of the ice cream out of the bottom, glancing at you before his eyes returned to Calum. 

"Kirsten, you did end up sleeping with her, " you reminded him. "Tell him who was on the other side."

Luke licked his lips and grinned. "Keeeerstin, that's right, and that 4th of July we all did crazy things if I remember correctly. To my right however was the hottest soccer player in school who I'd had a crush on for ages." 

Calum nodded and Luke's gaze flickered your way once again, his blue eyes bright and mischievous, before he continued, "I was freaking out when we kissed but then he ended up taking me back to his house and we fooled around on his sister's swing set." 

You laughed along with Luke as you watched Calum realize what Luke said. His head snapped up, blinking rapidly and his mouth opened and closed refusing to find words before you saw him look at you, then Luke, and then back to you as everything clicked into place.

"Is that what strawberry ice cream meant? Were you setting me up?" Calum asked.

"Not a setup, but wanted to see if Luke remembered the code. Turns out there's not as dumb as he looks," you walked up to Calum stopping just inches from his chest looking up at him. "And you did say you were bored." 

"What did you have in mind?" He raised his eyebrows at you, still unable to look at Luke. 

“I mean, Luke likes strawberry ice cream, and so do you. I doubt we’re going to have many customers with this rain,” you told him. 

“They closed down the beach because of lightning so no one is coming out,” Luke chimed in. 

“That’s what I was thinking, so it sounds to me like the three of us have some time on our hands,” you replied. You looked at Calum and he nodded but his eyes burned into you.

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” he asked apparently reading your thoughts. 

“I can handle anything,” you puffed your chest out and heard Luke snicker, but you didn’t dare take your eyes off Calum.

“I’m down if y’all are,” he challenged, finally looking at Luke. 

Am I really going to do this? Your thoughts were racing and your heart was pounding as hard as the rain. CAMERAS you thought before remembering you'd been the one who updated the security system and there was a workaround.

Thunder crashed so loudly you felt it shake your bones. No one would come around today, and it made no sense to stay open or send Luke home in this storm. 

"Calum, go make sure the back door is locked, Luke if you could flip the bolt and get the blinds," you told them before you ran back into the office where money was counted. Behind the desk was the breaker box and you flipped the switch that shut off the security cameras and half the lights. 

You poked your head out at Luke and motioned for him to follow you towards the back. You bumped into Calum as he came back towards the front.

"Where are you going?" He asked

"Break room, even with this storm I'm worried about someone peeking in," you reply.

"Really?" Calum was skeptical.

"Around here you never know," Luke told him.

You flipped the light switch, but only two bulbs lit up casting the room in soft blue light with long shadows. 

"So I hear you got a tattoo, Hemmings," you said, trying to break the ice. Calum looked even more nervous than you felt, and you silently asked Luke to take charge. 

He winked at you unzipping his jacket and shrugging it off his shoulders. You noticed he was still lean and lanky but he'd definitely filled out, added some muscle definition. Sure enough, there on his right bicep was a small hummingbird. 

"I can't believe Liz finally caved," you teased.

"Honestly I just went and did it, and then dealt with the consequences. She's still mad, but nothing I can't handle," he replied. Luke looked over towards Calum. "You have way more than I ever will, can I see them?" 

Calum nodded and came up beside you. He started off nervous, but as he explained his tattoos starting with his parents’ initials on his hands, working up past his wrists, to the lovely bird with his sister's name, he explained when and where he'd gotten them. Some, like the thistle on his left bicep, had special meaning relating to friends and family. While others, like the spade and the horseshoe, were aesthetic choices. 

"Is that it?" Luke raised his eyebrows and bit his lip. 

"Nope," Calum smirked, warming to the other's man's attention. He reached behind his neck and in one swift motion pulled his shirt off over his head. You felt your pulse quicken and heard Luke suck in his breath next to you. Calum was brawnier, broad-chested with black ink on brown skin. Without realizing it you reached out to touch him, trailing a fingertip along what looked like a feather etched underneath his collarbone.

"What's this?" You asked, feeling your insides quiver when he turned his brown eyes towards you. 

"It's a silver fern, my mom's Maori from New Zealand," Calum's voice was a sultry whisper.

"And this?" Your fingers slide down to the "Choose Life" on his chest.

"It's from Trainspotting and- OH," Calum moaned as you absentmindedly tugged his nipple.

"Do that again," Luke told you, his hand sliding down over his dick now a bulge in his black and red lifeguard trunks. 

You tugged, harder this time, and were rewarded with a sound somewhere between a moan and a hiss. Calum licked his lips before his mouth hung slightly open as your fingers traveled to the other one, repeating the motion. Both men moaned in response and Calum noticed Luke palming himself through his shorts.

"Enjoying the show?" He asked with a slight smirk.

"Oh my God yes," Luke responded, squeezing his cock slightly. "All I can think about is the two of you sucking me off." 

"I'm down for that," you reply. "What do you say Cal." 

Uncertainty crept into his expression and he paused, "I want to but I've never done that before."

"If you want I can show you," you offered, the idea had you excited like never before. 

"Is that ok?" Calum asked.

Luke's blue eyes went wide. "Fuck yes, please," he whispered.

You untied the drawstring on Luke's shorts and tugged them down past his hips letting his long cock spring free. Rock hard and leaking as you wrapped your hand around the shaft, you could feel his body react to your touch. You stood on your tiptoes and playfully kissed his lips before you sank to your knees in front of him. 

You looked up at Calum who was watching your intently, lips pursed in concentration. 

"You know what you like so start there. Personally I like to tease a bit to start off," you tell him, flicking your tongue around the tip. "You wanna keep it wet and keep it moving. I think spitting is gross but if you gag a little it gets everything nice and sloppy." You took Luke's cock in your mouth getting it slick and shiny as you bobbed your head, taking him further down your throat each time until your nose was almost touching his belly. 

"Oh shit," you heard Luke's growl above you as you came back up for air. You continued pumping him with your hand as you looked up at Calum. 

"Come on, you try," you beckoned to him. 

Calum was eager now, as he kneeled next to you, looked up at Luke, and wrapped his hand around your much smaller one as you stroked Luke's cock together. 

"Oh God," Luke moaned, the sight almost sending him over the edge. 

Calum leaned forward and brushed his lips against the taut skin before his tongue darted out to get his first taste. Luke's knees started to buckle and he leaned back against the break table which was inches behind his thighs. Calum hesitated, eyeing the table before glancing at you, but both you and Luke knew the table could easily hold his weight. 

"It's fine, keep going," you pulled back and gave his arm a nudge.

"Are you sure? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I almost never do,” he replied.

"You're sucking a dick not disarming a bomb, just don't bite and you'll be fine," you told him with a giggle.

Calum swirled his tongue around the tip and you saw Luke grip the table's edge, his knuckles white. Calum began sucking, softly, and slowly before gaining confidence he built up a rhythm. Luke grunted, his eyes screwed shut and his chest heaved.

"Stop," he pleaded, "you're gonna make me cum too fast." 

Calum pulled back with a pop. "I thought that was the point,"  he smirked up at the older man.

"God what I wouldn't give to let you both take turns riding me," Luke moaned, grasping his cock tightly, fighting for control. 

"What's wrong Luke?" You reached up and ran your thumb along Calum's plump bottom lip. "His pretty mouth got you all excited. Thinking about how you're the first guy he's ever sucked off? About how lucky you are?

"You keep talking like that and you're gonna make me cum in my pants," Calum warned you.

"Not yet, I wanna help with that," Luke growled. 

"We gotta finish you first," Calum grinned and got back to work. Luke cursed loudly as his cock disappeared down the other man's throat. Calum stopped and almost pulled back but kept going. 

You looked up at Luke, he was staring down at the two of you with half-open eyes. You reached up and cupped his balls, giving them a gentle tug. That sent him over the edge.

"Oh shit I'm gonna come," Luke yelled, bucking his hips. Calum tried to swallow but he started coughing so he leaned back, cum dripping from his chin and splattering on his chest. You watched Luke fight to keep his eyes on Calum before they rolled back in his head as his knees shook and his breath escaped him in ragged gasps. 

He sank to the floor next to the two of you watching as you pulled Calum in for a kiss tasting Luke on his lips. When you broke away, Luke was there kissing you first and then Calum. 

"That was so good, let us take care of you now. I bet you're ready to burst. Let's see what we're working with here," he said as he reached into Calum's shorts. You both smiled as Luke pulled out a cock that was a bit shorter but thicker than Luke's. 

"Damn Cal, you've been holding out on me," you purred in his ear as you moved behind him. 

"I would've fucked you that night on the beach if you'd let me," he admitted.

"I was indisposed, but we'll have to make up for that," you tell him before you kissed your way up his neck.

"Raise up a bit," Luke told him as he pulled his shorts up before laying on the carpet. He positioned his head just under Calum's balls blowing on them as you reached around and massaged Calum's cock. "This is gonna be all I think about tomorrow at work. I'm gonna be rock hard sitting up in that chair just thinking about what I wanna do to the two of you." 

A huge thunderclap seems to shake the building and the lights flickered as your lips found Calum's neck as you nipped at his skin. You'd been fantasizing about marking up his throat and couldn't resist leaving a mark. He whined in response and pushed back into you before moaning as Luke's mouth went to work getting Calum's cock nice and wet before sucking and humming on his balls. You continued to suck tiny bruises on Calum's flesh as Luke's mouth stayed busy alternating between working over Calum and talking dirty. 

"I'd love to watch you fuck her before I come up behind you and take that ass. Imagine being between us, having your cock buried in her pussy while you're stretched and full," Luke told him and the idea gave you the most delicious thrill. The idea of Luke fucking Calum into you had you aching for your own release, but right now you wanted to make Calum feel good. You twisted your hand slightly as you stroked his cock.  Calum's head rolled back resting on your shoulder, moaning over and over as you kept one hand on his dick and the other tugged his nipples. You couldn't see what Luke was doing but you heard sucking noises between Calum's moans. 

"I'm getting close," Calum warned you. "Oh God keep doing that," he gasped and you could hear Luke humming as he sucked. 

You jerked him faster, concentrating on the tip, tugging his nipples harder as your teeth grazed along his shoulder. 

He erupted onto Luke's chest with an "Oh God" that was both a prayer and an exultation. Luke quickly moved so he was sucking the tip and the two of you worked together to drain every drop. 

Calum slumped back against you and you peppered his skin with kisses as you felt him shudder as he came down from his high. 

"That was incredible, I don't think I can feel my legs," Calum said as he shifted so he was no longer kneeling. 

"I bet," Luke laughed as he got up. He walked over to the sink in the corner by the refrigerator and grabbed some paper towels. He got himself cleaned up before bringing some back for you and Calum. 

"Are you ok?" Luke asked when he noticed you were breathing heavily. "Do you need your inhaler?" 

You reached out your hand so he could help you up. "I'm fine, that was just intense and I got excited," you winked at him as you stood up. He pulled on your arm and caused you to stumble and fall into his chest. He wrapped you in a cuddle and bent his lips closer to your ear.

"I haven't forgotten about you princess," Luke's words made you shiver with the anticipation. You could tell your panties were soaked and your core throbbed as Luke gripped your hips and lifted you on to the break table. He stepped between your legs and put this hand under your chin and pulled you in for a kiss. Calum was still on his tongue as it tangled with yours and you tasted his essence which was sweeter than Luke's. His hands tugged at your shirt and you broke away to let him lift it over your head. He kissed you again as you fumbled with your bra, unhooking it before you tossed it across the room. Luke's mouth moved to your breasts and you saw Calum still seated on the floor as he watched you with Luke, his eyes glazed over with lust.  

When your eyes met Calum jolted out of his gaze and scrambled to his feet. You almost laughed as he tripped over his own feet as he readjusted his shorts, but at that moment Luke's mouth closed over your stiff nipple and the laugh became a moan.

Luke's fingers were clawing at your waistband and you lifted your hips as he pulled your shorts and panties down at the same time. 

The rain was beating against the roof in sheets now, but you could barely hear it over the sound of your own heartbeat.

Luke spread your legs and stepped back to show Calum. "She how pretty and wet she is for us. We gotta give her something special as a thank you. Want me to show you how to make her squirm," Luke teased, running a finger in between your soaked folds, and you pushed your hips up with a frustrated grunt. 

"Nah," Calum looked you dead in the eye with the cockiest smirk you'd ever seen in your life.

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I've been fantasizing about this for weeks," he was talking to Luke but his eyes were on you. "Tell me princess, do you taste as good as you look. I bet you're as sweet and juicy as a pink Starburst." 

You don't even recognize the sound that escaped your lips when Calum's mouth moved between your thighs. His tongue danced and moved in ways you'd never experienced, curling inside you before swooping up between your lips and lapping up your nectar. His pillowy lips sucked on your clit alternating with soft cool puffs of air over your fevered skin.  

Luke buried you in a flurry of kisses and you didn't know where each one was going to land, your mouth, breasts, neck, belly, shoulders, along your hairline or on your fingertips. 

Calum was relentless, barely coming up for air as he buried his face in your pleasure. You felt like a live wire as your nerves danced under your skin while Calum's tongue found every pleasure spot. Your heels beat the table in time with the storm raging outside as your orgasm started to build. You wanted to praise him or cry out but Luke covered your mouth with his. 

You arched your back almost slamming your head back on the table as Calum furiously worked on achieving your high. He wasn't going to let up until you were screaming for him, and you gladly obliged. Your climax hit you hard enough to see stars and your whole body let go.

"Damn baby," Luke's voice was in your ear but sounded very far away. 

You tried to close your legs but Calum wouldn't let you. He held them open still sucking your clit his fingers buried inside you as he coaxed another orgasm out of you.  He moaned into your skin as you drenched his face, your thighs, and the table as you came undone. He didn't stop until you were whimpering from being overstimulated, and only then did he finally pro back. 

He stood up and grabbed Luke for a kiss leaving the tall blonde as breathless as you were. The storm was still raging but your heartbeat was returning to normal. You sat up, a bit embarrassed by the mess.

"Sorry about that, can one of y'all get some towels?" You ask even though you hated to interrupt them. 

"Don't apologize," Luke stroked your thigh, and Calum did as you asked. "That was the hottest thing I've ever seen." He looked over at Calum, "will you teach me how to make her squirt like that." 

"Hell yeah," Calum answered as he gently cleaned you up. He landed a tiny kiss on your nose. "Thank you," he whispered, almost too softly to be heard. You reached down and squeezed his hand as you shared a smile. 

"How about I help y'all close up and we head back to my apartment?" Luke asked. 

"Great idea, we'll order pizza and see where the night goes."  You slid off the table, wobbled a bit but Calum wouldn't let you fall.

"Sounds like a plan, boss," Calum grinned. "Can we get ice cream too?" 

"Sure, what flavor?" You asked as you pulled your shorts up and Luke tossed your bra to you.

"Strawberry," they answered in unison before you all cracked up.

"Oh this is gonna be a great summer," you called over your shoulder as you walked out of the room.

@kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @ghostofmashton @sexgodashton @sublimehood @ihatetigers @calteahood @5-secondsofcolor @tea4sykes @wildmichaelflower​ @noshamenion​ @punkrockpreferences​ @rosecolouredash​ @cal-pal-cuddles​ @damselindistressanu​

[shadow-assassin-blix]

A Picture is a Poem Without Words

CHAPTER 1

A/N: this is my Pacho x OC story. It is also slightly a Javier/OC story, which was unintended but here we are. My intention with Pacho here is to depict him as bisexual. If I ever get anything wrong, or if I need to clarify something, please tell me. Don’t be an ass about it, just tell me what I can do to improve it. TW: Slight depiction of a panic attack, swearing, some violence but its Narcos?? It should be expected I feel?

‘Thots” I mean ‘Thoughts’

“Italics” is them speaking Spanish, I was not about to fumble my way through Google Translate and hope that it made sense. Except for the first paragraph- that’s just a sneak peek at the future.

Gifs are from @scntacruz (go check out their stuff, if you love all things narcos/narcos mexico they are FABULOUS, their writing and gif sets are *chefs kiss*) and @lowndsiercs

 A sharp ringing in her ears, a heavy object pinning her leg down, screams, shouts. This is all that she was aware of as she came too. ‘What happened?’ An explosion. Too close. Her eyes opened and she tried to focus on her surroundings but couldn’t. Everything was blurred, out of focus. A voice was shouting her name and all she could think was, ‘How the hell did I get myself into this mess?....Oh that’s right. A man.’

Blix had moved to Cali, Colombia about 2 years ago, with her then boyfriend. However, once he decided to show his true colors when he cheated on her in their bedroom, she left him. The problem was, she was all alone in Cali. Anyone she considered to be family was in New York. So, what was an American girl to do? She had her own money already, but it can be difficult to transfer money between countries.

Blix began working at a local bar to earn money, she lived in a small but nice townhouse near the downtown area. She did her best to create a new life and make the best out of a shitty situation.

When she wasn’t working at the bar, she was at a local park, drawing. She would draw portraits/landscapes, or caricatures. If the day was nice, she would bring chalk and draw on the sidewalks whatever came to mind. If she didn’t have any requests made during her time out there, she would simply draw whoever was walking around, or would just enjoy the feeling of the sun on her skin, the wind blowing her hair every which way.

Life was quite enjoyable, until one day when she made the mistake of drawing a few guys who were fooling around in the park, and one of them became suspicious of her. A few weeks later, she would meet a man who was nothing but trouble.

It had been a normal day; Blix had done a few fun caricatures of some kids who were playing in the park. She was idly staring around looking for some sort of inspiration before she packed up for the day. She heard them long before she saw them. About 5 guys, who were hooting & hollering, passing a joint between themselves.  They talked loudly in Spanish about their latest conquests.

She thought, ‘Why not?’ and began to doodle them acting goofy.

While she was concentrating on the paper, one of the guys noticed her as she worked and glanced over at them multiple times. The man watched her with suspicion and quietly whispered to one of the others, who then took notice of her as well.

Blix finished up the caricatures and bit her lip to stop herself from laughing at what she drew. With a nod of her head at it, she began to pack up her things. As she walked away, she was unaware of the eyes that followed her as she made her way out of the park. She made her way home and changed clothes for work as soon as the supplies were put away.

The job itself was alright; it was fun meeting locals and getting local gossip. The pay was good, and the tips were better. Blix worked most nights, with the exception of Thursday and Friday (even though she often covered those nights anyway with how few staff there was). Her shift started at 6pm and ended usually at about 3am. It was currently about 5pm and the bar was only a 20-minute walk from her home.  

As Blix got ready for work, across town, trouble was beginning to brew for her.

The five men from earlier that day, strutted into the mansion (or rather one of) of Gilberto Orejuela, and asked to speak with him promptly. Moments later they stood before him and explained their suspicions that a woman may have been gathering information on them at the park.

However, they were all hyped up and talked over one another to the point where, Miguel, Gilberto’s brother, spoke up, “Gentlemen, calm yourselves, and one of you tell us, what exactly you wish to tell us.”

“Don Miguel, there’s a woman who may have been gathering information on us at the park. We asked around and it seems no one really knows who she is other than she there at that park every day and works at a local bar, Caliente,” Marco informed looking directly at the brothers. “It is suspicious that an American woman, not only lives alone but also spends her time at 2 locations.”

“An American you say?” A third man questioned, as he took a drag of his cigarette.

“Yes, Don Pacho,” Marcos confirmed. “Shall we tail her to see who she gets into contact with?”

“Let us discuss this further, in private, and then we shall let you know,” Pacho ordered as he directed them to wait outside the office.

As they stepped outside, Gilberto’s daughter, Marta walked forward, wishing to speak with her father about wedding details. Pacho held one finger up and mouthed, “One moment,” before closing the doors again. Marta leaned against the wall next to the doors and could hear parts of the conversation through the wooden double doors.

She heard mentions of an American woman and a local bar, she furrowed her brow as she listened further. She schooled her expression when she heard someone walk toward the door again.

“Tail her, don’t let her onto you,” Pacho instructed the men waiting outside. “Miss Marta, your father is ready to talk to you.” As he swooped his arm back into the office, holding the door wide open for her.

“Hello father, do you have time to talk about some wedding details?” She asked as a plan formulated in her own mind.

Back with Blix, she began her shift at Caliente, taking over the bar for the owner, Jacque, who tended to work for at least the first hour of its opening. He asked her if she needed anything, and upon her denial, walked toward his office, where he would stay for most of the night.

The night began as it normally does, locals coming in for the first few hours and shooting the breeze. After about 11:30pm, it switched over to more of the younger crowd, and tourists. An hour into making a hundred fruity drinks and tequila shots, she sighed as a lull came in the number of drinks that were being requested.

Her boss stepped out of the office at that point and told her to take her break for the night, that he would take over. She nodded her head and rinsed off her hands, before walking around the counter.

She made her way outside and took a deep breath of relief as the cool air washed over her. She stood there for a moment, before heading across the street to a local vendor, who sold street tacos and burritos, and other portable foods for the drunks of the streets.

“Hello Mr. Martinez, how are you doing this evening?” Blix asked as she leaned against the counter of his food truck.

“Doing just fine little fox. How about you? And do you want your usual?” asked Henri Martinez, a man about in his 40s, with prominent laugh lines and a soft voice.  

“I’m alright Henri. And yes, my usual please,” She responded pulling out cash to pay for it.

“Miss Bee! Hi!” came the enthusiastic voice of Henri son, Paulo. “Look what I have just for you!”

He lifted a box of soda, Pepsi to be exact, and said, “These are all for you and no one else, cause I remember you said you weren’t a big fan of Coca-Cola.”

Bix laughed at his enthusiasm and replied astonished, “I mentioned that like once, over a year ago? How did you remember that?”

“Because he has a crush on you,” Henri mumbled loudly, shaking his head.

Paulo glowered at his father as a blush creeped up on his face. Blix decided to save his embarrassment by stating, “Well, I thank you for getting these. I know it probably was a bit of a hassle to get.” She then leaned over and gave Paulo a small kiss on the cheek, in thanks.

His blush got deeper, and he handed one of the cans of Pepsi before he muttered a soft “You’re welcome,” before disappearing again.

“He’s been waiting all day to show you that. Now, he is forever in love with you, you know that?” Henri teased as he cooked.

Blix simply shrugged with a small smile. When she first began working at the bar, she often would simply get food and leave. One night, a couple of guys tried to harass her as she waited, and Henri scared them off with butcher knife. Seeing him and his family wound up becoming the highlight of her nights there and she always felt welcomed with them.

Soon she had her food, steak tacos, and her soda, so she quietly ate and talked with Henri about his day, and what’s currently going on with his family. It was as this went on that a woman, a little bit younger than Blix, walked up with two of her friends. They ordered food and stood nearby as they waited.

One of them looked at her curiously and politely asked, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt. But may I ask where are you from? Your accent is unusual.”

“No, that’s fine. I get asked that a lot. I am from the United States. Georgia to be exact, the Southern accent is hard to get rid of. Hell, I even lived in New York for quite some time and that didn’t get rid of it. May I ask, do I sound silly when I speak, or am I just pronouncing things weirdly?” Blix asked back feeling self-conscious about her Spanish.

“No! I’m sorry! I just meant. With most Spanish dialects you can tell when a person is from a different country because of how they say certain words. I could just tell, you weren’t Colombian, so I was just trying to figure out where you were from,” She responded frantically trying to assure her that her Spanish wasn’t terrible.

She nodded her head, “Fair assumption. I’m Blix by the way, and you?” She introduced as she held out her hand to shake.

“I am Marta, these are my friends Felicity, and Isabelle,” She informed her, grasping her hand to firmly shake it.

Blix waved at the other two and they waved back. Blix looked at the time and realized her break was about to be over. “Well, I gotta get back to work. When ya’ll are done eating, come across the way and I’ll make ya some damn good drinks,” She offered, as she threw her trash away and started to cross the street.

She took control again over the bar and returned to serving drinks. Within 20 minutes she saw Marta and her friends come inside and they order shots, and cosmos. They took a seat at one of the tables near the small dance floor and continued to enjoy their night. Blix tuned out the rest of the evening, working simply on muscle memory, as she made her concoctions and received payments/tips.

It got down to the last hour of the night, and as most of the bar had cleared out, Marta and her friends moved to the bar and chatted with Blix as she began the process of cleaning the dishes.

“It’s almost closing time, if there are any last-minute drinks you want, you should probably order them now,” Blix recommended as a waitress brought over a tub of dirty glasses, and bottles that needed to be recycled.

Marta smiled and requested, “Another round of shots, that you should join us on, and surprise us with a favorite of yours.”

Blix smiled and said, “I’ll do a shot, but it won’t be tequila, we don’t agree with one another.”

She poured out 3 shots of tequila and a shot of bourbon. They toasted, tapped their glasses to the countertop and downed them in one go. She then began to make one of her favorites, called Shark Bite.

She explained what was in it as she made it and handed them each a glass, and as Marta reached into her purse to pay for the drinks and the shots, Blix stopped her by stating, “These were on the house.”

They all said thank you and finished their drinks with about 15 minutes to spare before closing. They said their goodbyes, made sure their tabs were closed and headed out. Blix finished the dishes, and helped the waitresses clean up the tables, as their boss closed the register. She had her tips separated from the waitresses and after pocketing them, waved goodbye to everyone, and headed home.

Marta came back practically every night for the next two weeks, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. She was fun to talk to and she loved to talk about her wedding plans- one she said wasn’t going to happen for another 2 years, because of timing. She adored her fiancée and spent much of her time either gushing about him or ranting about her family.

One night, just before she decided to head out for the night, she asked Blix, “Hey, do you have any plans this weekend?”

Blix shook her head before replying, “No I actually have the weekend off, because Jacque is training a new bartender to help me out. Why? What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if you would like to have brunch with me and my family? I need an outside opinion on wedding details,” she asked with smile.

“Sure. When and where?” Blix questioned as she made a Mai Tai for a customer.

“Just be ready about 10am, I’ll have a driver come get you?” She informed her before asking for her address.

Blix quickly scribbled it down onto a napkin and handed it to her with a wave as she began the next order that came in.

Saturday morning rolled around faster than Blix thought it would. She had dressed in simple green sundress that had thin straps and fell around her mid-thigh. She slipped on some black pumps and grabbed her purse when she heard a horn honk outside at around 9:57am.

As she made sure she had everything she needed she stepped outside with the door slightly open, just in case she needed to grab something really quick.

Once she had confirmed she had everything she needed, she closed the door and locked it, before stepping down toward the car.

A man with curly, reddish-brown hair, that was slightly receding stood there holding the car door open. She had an odd feeling about him, as though she knew him but could not quite place it. There was something alarming about his smile, Cheshire-like and toothy.

She shook it off thinking she was just being paranoid and stepped into the car. About 20 minutes later they were pulling into a gated home, that was large and imposing, with small gardens around.

When she stepped inside of the lavish home, it was to a very open living room where Marta sat, with four other men, laughing, and three women standing nearby. As Blix moved further in, her breath caught in her throat, and she had to quickly control herself as she walked over to Marta.

Sitting before her were the Gentlemen of Cali: Gilberto & Miguel Orejuela, Pacho Herrera, and Chepe Santacruz. She gave Marta a hug and Marta introduce her to the four men there, and her mother(s) (?). She smiled and shook hands with the brothers, Chepe gave the back of her hand a kiss and with a small, “It is a pleasure to meet you, my dear.”

Pacho also kissed her hand and murmured a greeting, but as he looked at her if felt like he was staring into her soul. Like he could see her every dark secret.

She nodded her head in greeting and they all took a seat. Food was brought out and Marta pulled out some wedding books and a notepad to write on. As they talked and quietly munched on small sandwiches, Blix could feel them watching her every move and tried not to panic.

Brunch passed by faster than she thought it would, and as Marta left to go get swatches of patterns, she was left alone with these four men, who looked like the cats that caught the canary.

Blix took a small breath, and asked plainly, “You gentlemen clearly know who I really am, may we just cut to chase?”

The man who had escorted her there, dropped a thick manilla folder onto coffee table, that had her name written on it. Gilberto leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and inquired, “So, Agent Blix Lage of the FBI. What exactly brings you to Cali? You have been here for two years, and yet, no one seems to know much about you? We do know that part of your backstory- the cheating boyfriend thing- is a lie. So. Explain to me why I should not be concerned about you?”

“Nothing that has to do with the cartels. I’m FBI not DEA. I don’t know what I’ve done to get onto your radar, but I assure you that unless you’ve stolen valuable art, I have no interest in you,” She admitted with a shrug, her attempt at playing it cool beginning to rattle as her hands shook.

“Our boys here, seem to be under the impression that you were gathering information on them at the park, about 2 weeks ago,” Gilberto continued, gesturing to a group of men by the door.

Blix looked over at them and did not recognize any of them and said as much, “I’m sorry but I really have no clue who they are. It is possible I drew them, but that’s it. I don’t often remember random faces I see in the park. Sorry.”

One of them stepped forward and started to shout at her, calling her a lying whore amongst other things. Pacho held a hand up, effectively stopping him in his tracks and signaled for him to step back. The man does so, muttering under his breath angrily as he did.

Pacho looked directly at her and before asking while lighting a cigarette, “Miss Lage, what exactly do you plan to do while in Cali?”

“None of your business Mr. Herrera, my case does not pertain you or anyone else in this room, nor does it pertain to Escobar, or any other cartel that comes around here. Not my jurisdiction. Simpler terms: Not my circus, not my monkeys. Now, unless you have a legitimate concern, I am going to leave now,” Blix firmly stated as she stood up, and began to make her way to the front door.

“Also, do inform your daughter Gilberto, that as much as I enjoyed her company these past few weeks, I think it would be best, she never shows her face around my workplace. And if you’re men ever have a problem with me, maybe I don’t know. Ask me a fucking question. Not assume the worst in a person,” She called over shoulder as she made her way out of the house.

The man from before stepped into her path, blocking her. She looked at him with a grimace and politely asked him to move out of her way. He shook his head and told her she wasn’t going anywhere. She asked again for him to move, and he shook his head again.

Blix sighed heavily and then with a vicious smile, threw a punch out and hit him directly in the throat. He choked and grasped at his throat, falling to his knees. With a swift kick of her right leg, she directed it at his face, and knocked him further down.

As he groaned on the floor, she looked at the others, and threatened, “Anyone else wanna play winner?”

When no one else moved toward she continued her path, purposely stepping on the man that laid before her, without a care.

As she stepped outside, she walked directly to the gate that the guards refused to open for her.  She glared at them, then cracked her neck as she put a foot through the gap first and slowly maneuvered her body through it, with her head turned to face one direction. This was one of the few times she was grateful for being on the skinnier side and with a bit of wiggle and some hair getting caught briefly, she was out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back inside, Pacho and Chepe were chuckling at what they just saw. Gilberto and Miguel looked unimpressed by their men, and their inability to stop one woman. Marta walked back into living room confused for a moment before sudden realization came onto her face.

“So, father, is she a threat?” She asked returning to her seat.

“No, I don’t think so. She may be good ally to have though. If we can convince her that we mean no harm, that is. Chepe I would ask you to take on this task, but we need you back in New York. Pacho. Do you feel comfortable with this?” Gilberto requested looking between the two men.

Pacho nodded his head as he took a drag of his cigarette. “Should be no problem, Gilberto. From the looks of it, she will be easy to sway,” He assured looking down at her file and as he lit his cigarette.

“Don’t be too sure of that Pacho. She may give you a run for your money,” Miguel warned taking a puff of his cigar.

As Chepe boasted about Pacho’s ability to woo any man or woman, Pacho contemplated Miguel’s words, and had a feeling that he may be correct.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She stalked down the sidewalk going at least 2 blocks away before she called a taxi. The adrenaline was catching up and she was on the verge of panicking. She directed the cab driver to take her not to her house but to the airport. Her hands shook the entire time, as she paid the cabby for dropping her off 15 minutes later and as she purchased a ticket to Bogota.

She dug into her purse and flashed her FBI badge to security and was swiftly through security and on the last seat of the noon flight to Bogota. Her knee bounced the entire, and she gnawed on her lips as worried and panicked thoughts ran rampant in her head.

Two hours later, she landed in Bogota and swiftly made her way to the American Embassy, fury now built up within, replacing the fear. She made her way to the ambassador’s office; her secretary tried to stop her, but she did not care about niceties currently. She threw the doors open, and could see Javier Pena, Steve Murphy, and Horacio Carrillo, standing there speaking with the ambassador.

She pushed past them with no fuck’s given.

“Tell me something ambassador. Which one of the pricks of the CIA do I have to violently stab for leaking my dossier?” She asked her hands on her hip as she stood directly in front of her.

“I’m not quite sure I know what you mean, Agent Lage?” the ambassador asked with little confusion.

“Bullshit. Then tell me, how exactly does the Cali Cartel know about me? Seeing as how I was just in the lovely home of one Gilberto Orejuela and they appeared to know that my entire backstory, that I have worked for over TWO YEARS TO MAINTAIN was fake,” She angrily explained her voice raising often. “So, tell me, what deal did the CIA get on their knees for to fucking stab me in the back?”

Horacio came up to her and tried to pull her back away from the desk, lowly trying to calm her down.

She shook him off, before continuing since the ambassador had yet to answer her, “Listen, I know that every other department thinks that me and my team being here is a joke. That we are the least respected because we are a part of the art division. But when your decisions put not only my life in jeopardy, and not just the lives of my team, but threatens to ruin the case I have been working on for the past 2 years, someone had better give me a damn good explanation.”

The ambassador sighed, before she replied, “It was nothing personal against you.”

“Nothing personal eh?” Blix said disgusted, shaking her head.

She turned and stormed back out of her office, slamming the doors shut behind her.

Javier sighed and with a turn to the door, stated “I’ll go after her. Stop her from murdering someone.”

Javier made his way into the offices where he caught the ending of a confrontation between Blix and Stechner of the CIA, who she had punched him in the face.

Javier ran forward and grabbed her around the waist to pull her away from Stechner before she could do any more damage. She struggled against his hold yelling at him, “JAVIER LET ME GO!”

“ENOUGH! DON’T CAUSE MORE TROUBLE” Javier yelled back as he dragged her away.

He then threw her over his shoulder and carried her to the elevators. She sagged in his hold, furiously muttering and breathing heavy.

Javier didn’t put her down until they were in the parking garage and by his truck. He opened the door and sat her in, hooking the seat belt around her, and the door shut firmly.

He got into the driver’s seat and took off. He drove down the road a ways, stopping at a local café. He told her to stay there, before he stepped out of the truck and walked into the café.

Her anger was fading, and her hand throbbed from hitting Stechner in the face. She tried to take some deep breaths, but it felt like she couldn’t get enough air in. Her eyes were watering, and every sound seemed muffled, and her ears ringing. She barely noticed Javier’s return to the truck, nor did she notice when he unbuckled her seat belt. But she did notice his arms as they wrapped around her and pulled her into his chest.

The tears were falling freely now, and she buried her face into his chest and shuddered. She could vaguely hear him shushing her and whisper words meant to soothe her.  She couldn’t tell how much time had passed, but soon, she felt the tears slowing and the world coming back into focus.

Blix gently pushed away, with a sniffle, rubbing the tears hurriedly off her face. She mumbled an apology, to which Javier gave a small laugh, and replied, “For what? Having a panic attack after spending the morning with the Cali Cartel? I’m an asshole sweetheart but I’m not going to get pissed at you for being legitimately afraid.”

She gave him a small smile in reply, and finally noticed the smell of coffee filtering the cabin. She looked at the dash, and saw 3 to go cups of coffee, and one cup of iced tea.

“Is that for me?” She softly asked pointing at the tea.

He nodded his head, and verified, “And yes. It is a sweet tea. Just like you like it.”

“Sweet tea, or tea that had sugar dumped at the bottom of the cup?” She questioned as she reached for it.

“There’s a difference?” He asked seriously before a smile broke out on his face, as a look of horror appeared on hers.

“As a Texan, you should know better than that,” Blix jokingly admonished as she pulled the cup to her and took a small drink.

“I also got you this, if you’re interested,” He teased as held a small box that had a cinnamon roll perfectly set in it.

“You’re going to make me fat, Javi,” She said with a pout.

“Oh, so you don’t want this then?” He asked pulling the box away. “I guess I’ll just throw it away then.”

She quickly leapt forward and grabbed ahold of the box and shouted, “No!”

She took it from him and held it protectively to her. He chuckled, and then gently asked “You feelin’ a bit better then?”

She nodded looking down at her lap. “C’mon. Let’s get back to office. I’ll help you check chatter to see if word has spread about you,” He offered, starting the truck back up.

“You would do that? For me? You hate listening to chatter?” Blix asked, eyes wide as she stared at him in shock.

“We’ve hit a dead-end with the Medellin cartel, again. So, may as well help you,” Javier responded nonchalantly, with a half shrug.

His attempt to play it off backfired as Blix leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“You’re a good man Javier Pena, don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise, not even yourself,” she affirmed as she sat back in her seat, and buckled up.

Javier had a small smile on his face before he cleared his throat and moved the coffees to the middle seat before taking off. They made their way back to the embassy and began the long process of listening to chatter to see whether or not her case had been compromised.

As the day drifted into evening hours, and the office slowly emptied, Blix sighed and stretched to shake off the aches that had built up in her neck and back. Javier pulled off the headphones he had on and rubbed a hand over his face.

They were the only ones left at the office by this point. Steve left hours ago to go have dinner with Connie, and Horacio had to get back to base to train some rookies.

“C’mon. We are not going to hear much else tonight. You can come stay at my place,” Javier offered knowing that Blix did not have a place in Bogota because of how often she was in Cali.

“You sure I won’t cramp your style? I wouldn’t want to disrupt your favorite nightly routine of ‘interrogating the local nightlife,’” She teased slightly as she stood up.

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t always spend the night in the arms of a strange woman. C’mon now. Where else are you going to go? A hotel, with no change of clothes?” He asked throwing on his jacket.

She shrugged in response and grabbed her bag, followed him out to his truck. His place wasn’t too far from the embassy, just a quick 15-minute drive.

As they stepped into his apartment, he offered to order take-out for the both of them. She hummed in agreement, and they wound up ordering some pizza, one that was called the Carnivore, for its 5 meat toppings. 30 minutes later they were stuffing their faces, as they watched some crime drama, and pointed out the things that were wrong.

Between the 2 of them they had devoured the whole pizza, and Blix kept trying to stifle her yawns. Javier shook his head with a chuckle and got up and walked into his bedroom. He came back out with an old t-shirt and some shorts.

“Here, go change. I’ll take the couch,” he said as he shoved the clothes into her arms.

She nodded and headed into the bathroom to change. Minutes later she stepped out and called over to Javier, “Ya know, we are both adults, we can both share the bed. S’not like it’d be the first time we’ve slept together after all.”

She heard him take a sharp intake of breath before he got up from the couch. She walked with him into his bedroom, and crawled in on one side, and laid down on her back with a pleasant sigh of relief.

“If we are going to share this bed, Imma need you to not make those kinds of noises,” Javier pleaded as he got in on the other side, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers.

She giggled and murmured a quiet apology.

As they both laid there, Blix began to feel a sense of dread as she thought about the next few days.

“Is it stupid… that I’m terrified to go home? Granted today appears to show that nothing is wrong, but I… They know where I live. But I can’t exactly move because that would raise suspicions. I’m at a loss at what to do, Javi,” Blix confessed in a hushed voice.

“We’ll check chatter again tomorrow, and if nothing seems amiss, we’ll go from there. But if what you said earlier to me was true, than they’ve known where you been for the past 2 weeks and have done nothing.” He turned on his side to look at her as he spoke.

“I don’t want to give you a false sense of hope, but the Cali are not dumb. They are not going to attack an American federal agent. If I could, I would go and be your bodyguard for however long you need me, but I wouldn’t want to give your neighbors a heart attack and let them think you have a boyfriend finally,” Javier calmly soothed her worries and made her chuckle with his teasing.

He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her; she settled into his arms and turned to face him. “Ya know, if you got over your commitment phobia you would make a very good husband to someone,” she complimented with a yawn, her eyes drifting shut.

He hummed in response and as she fell asleep, whispered to her, “Maybe one day I will for you,” before he too, fell asleep.

[jamielea81]

Just a Simple Lie

Chapter 5

Description: Having worked on small independent films for the better part of a decade, your friend tells you about an opening for a script supervisor with a large studio. Wanting to advance your career, you apply and get an interview. The only downside, they prefer to hire crew who are married. It’s just a simple lie, right?

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: Maybe some cursing, talk of drinking

A/N:  Surprise! Coming back a day earlier than planned. This fic is simply for fun. I know nothing about the personal lives of the two actors in this series and mean no harm. I am also totally guessing regarding the studio talk. Comments, reblogs, and likes are always welcome.

Catch up with Chapter 4

**

Oh boy were you hungover. After you finished that fifth beer, David brought you back to your hotel where you promptly passed out on your bed, makeup and all. The fact that you were so drunk, kind of helped you with the embarrassment of the slipped comment about your lack of a sex life. From what you remembered, it seemed like your quick reply had done the trick. At least you hoped it had. You remembered Monica chucking a pillow at you at some point in the middle of the night. She mumbled something about you snoring like a chainsaw. You were drunk and it could not be helped. There would be no more drinking for you.

Call time to set was three in the afternoon and you took advantage of the precious hours by sleeping until noon. After a shower and all-day breakfast from McDonald's, you felt human again.

Outdoor shooting would start tonight once it got dark, which this time of year meant another hour or two at the most.

**

You made your way to the studio via the studio shuttle. It was empty this time of day which you appreciated. You dressed in a sweater, jeans, and jacket. You had on a pair of winter boots, but brought a bag that held your trusty sneakers to wear when inside.

The one thing you weren’t a fan of with the new office set up was the lack of an enclosed room. The volume in the building was loud. Not school gymnasium loud, but loud enough for that you were finding it hard to concentrate. Everyone was excited. New location, outdoor shoots, whatever it was, no one wanted to be quiet about it. Even though the sleeping in and shower helped, you were still a tad hungover so you just wanted everyone to either move to a new location or go to their cubical and shut up. That wasn’t happening.

Monica came barging into your cube about an hour later. Okay, she didn’t barge in, technically. There’s no door. Kind of hard not to barge in.

“Can you believe this place? I’m going to hit my ten thousand steps within three hours each day. Way bigger than Cali,” she said taking a seat on the edge of the desk.

She was right of course. It was a series of massive warehouses where they shot a lot of action-packed movies and television shows. Those films often required a lot of space with massive sets. This movie wasn’t that and your team would not need all of the space, but it didn’t mean you didn’t have to trudge your way from one warehouse to another.

“You need better shoes,” you said motioning your hand to her pointy slip-ons. While they were cute, you would be crying at the end of the day wearing those. “Those aren’t going to work with this place. Unless of course, you hide out in your cubical all day.” A small smile peeked out from behind your lips.

“I would normally agree with you, but if I have to wear boots whenever we are outside, I’m wearing my cute shoes where I can,” Monica said, sending a wink your way.

**

The sun had set and you found yourself back on the shuttle with Monica and about ten others. Only Keanu and Chris were filming tonight and as far as you knew, they were being driven in a separate vehicle to the location.

“Are you still hungover?” Monica asked. She sat directly across the aisle from you on the shuttle. Since there weren’t many people on the bus, you each got your own row.

“Not drinking with you people again. I can tell you that,” you said with a shake of your head.

“Even if Chris is there? That’s some eye candy if I ever saw some,” she said wiggling her eyebrows. “Wonder if he’s single?”

“You’re horrible,” you giggle out.

“Hey! Not all of us have a fiancé. Not like it matters anyway.”

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“Maggie thinks he’s hot and have you seen that girl? I stand no chance. Keanu has a girlfriend,” she said with a shrug.

Interesting. So, Maggie thinks Chris is hot. But really, who doesn’t think that man is hot.

“I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon to date the actors anyway.”

“Who said anything about dating?” she replied with a wink.

“You are horrible. I stand by that.”

**

The temperature had dropped by about twenty degrees and you were feeling like such a rookie. You grew up in the Northern Midwest for goodness sake and you failed to bring a hat or gloves with you. This was not ideal for outdoor filming where you needed to hold on to a script and pen for hours. Apparently, you were doing so with bare hands.  

Much of the first hour was spent helping with stage setup. You didn’t have to help unload the props, but it was certainly aiding you with the keeping warm factor. You eagerly carried box after box and then helped coordinate stage design.

Keanu and Chris arrived about twenty minutes later in separate vehicles which you found odd. They were filming together tonight and seemed to get a long as far as you could tell all through the shoot in Los Angeles. Chris and you were friends, but you didn’t feel comfortable enough to pry into that quite yet.

**

There’s a log cabin façade set up in a heavily wooded area made to look like a two-story cabin built in the 1950s. Once you open the door, it’s nothing more than plywood sides that only go back maybe 20 feet. Just the entryway or what can be seen by the camera is designed to look like a house. All internal shots of the “cabin” were shot back at the studio. Unfortunately, the “cabin” wasn’t any warmer than the outside temperature. Your plans to hide in the house between shots was crushed within minutes.

As the guys filmed their first take, you stood next to Hugh, the director with Monica on your other side as your backup since none of the actors she was working with were filming tonight. The first take was cut with Hugh calling for a reset. You spent the next ten minutes jogging in place to keep warm. The script was dropped to the ground with your hands burrowed into your coat’s pockets. Chris gave you an amused look as his face was being powdered by his makeup artist. You sent him a wink and continued on your jog to nowhere.

Take two and three were called and by this point you could no longer stand still. Not wanting to make a lot of noise while the film is rolling, you opted to dance in place. Billie Eilish’s All the Good Girls Go to Hell is playing in your head. You wiggle to the beat, careful not to let your feet shuffle. It helps, but just a little.

“Let’s just get one more and we’ll move on,” Hugh calls out.

“Can someone tell Y/N to stop dancin’ over there? It’s mighty distracting,” Chris yelled.

If you weren’t already frozen solid, you’re pretty sure your face would resemble fire at this point.

Keanu turns around to face you and gives you a bit of a smirk.

“I’m cold!” you said loud enough for everyone near you to hear. “You don’t like my dance moves?”

“You’re distracting. Hugh, tell her she’s distracting,” Chris responded with a chuckle.

“Y/N, stop distracting Chris,” Hugh repeated nonchalantly.

“Aren’t you from Minnesota? Why aren’t you dressed warmly?” Chris asked, coming to stand next to you.

“I lost my mind this afternoon,” you said with a shrug.

**

After one more take, Hugh called it and ordered the next scene to be set up. You and Monica made your way to the food tent that conveniently had heaters blowing inside.

“This is like heaven. Who needs the sandy beaches of Aruba when we’ve got this wonderful tent in paradise?” You plop your butt down at a table ignoring the food and lean back in the chair, arms hanging like dead weight at your sides. “Go on without me. You can have Keanu and Chris. I’m just going to stay here forever where it’s warm,” you sighed happily.

“So dramatic,” Monica replied, grabbing two cups of coffee and depositing one on the table in front of you. “Two sugars and two creams?”

“One stevia or Splenda, whichever is there. Three creams.” You slip off your coat figuring you’ll only be colder once you leave the tent if you leave it on.

Monica drops the containers and packet in front of you, taking a seat next to you stirring in her own add ins.

“How much time do you think we have? I’d like to defrost a bit longer if we can.”

“Probably another ten. Drink up,” she replied holding up her own paper cup.

Downing your hot beverage that did little to warm you up. You got up and put your coat back on, zipping it up as far as it would go. Something warm and heavy was placed over your shoulders suddenly. Looking down, you could see it was a dark brown wool coat. You spun around to see Chris standing there, soft grin on his face.

“Keep it. Just make sure you give it back to wardrobe before we leave.”

“Don’t you need it for the next scene?” you asked furrowing your brow.

Chris shook his head no. “Next scene has me in that denim jacket with the white wool lining. It’ll be my turn to freeze.”

You gave him a thankful smile while buttoning up the coat over your own. “Thank you. Really. Didn’t realize you hated my dancing this much, but I do appreciate it.”

“Didn’t say I hated it. Said you were a distraction.” He runs his hands up and down your coat covered arms in his attempt to warm you up. The goosebumps that erupt are luckily hidden by the layers, but you can’t help but pray he doesn’t hear the increased beat of your heart. “You’re gonna get sick if you don’t layer up.”

You can’t seem to speak so you just hum in response.

**

Somewhere between the second or third take, your helping with costuming. The Polaroid pictures from the interior shoot aren’t agreeing with the way Keanu’s hair is now. It could be the way his hat is hanging, but you grab his stylist to assist.

“Yeah, that’s so much better,” you said after his hair is moved behind his ear no more than an inch.

“You certainly are particular,” Keanu said with a chuckle.

“S’always a pet peeve of mine when watching a movie if it doesn’t match exactly. Call it over kill if you will, but I call it doing my job,” you replied with a smirk.

“Warm enough over there Frosty?” Chris asked from a chair while he waited for you to be done.

“Yes! Thanks to you,” you responded back.

“This Chris’ coat?” Keanu asked.

“Yeah. Well, technically William’s coat.”

Keanu hummed in response before turning away to stand on his mark.

**

After filming wrapped for the night, you made your way to the wardrobe tent, catching Chris as he was leaving.

“Returning William’s coat?”

“Yep. Told you I would.”

“Here. I’ll take it in. M’sure you want to get back to the hotel,” he said, holding out his hand.

Quickly unbuttoning it, you pulled it off missing the warmth immediately. Chris took it, holding it over his chest with his arms crossed over it.

“Damn, did I miss this coat over the last two hours.” He ducked his head down for a second and then looked back at you. “Smells good.”

You let out a cross between a gasp and a laugh. “Did you just smell the coat?”

He bit at his lip and looked away. “Wasn’t trying to. Caught a whiff of it and had to investigate further. Just smells nice is all.”

“Okay Evans,” you said slowly. “Have a good night. Gotta catch that shuttle before they leave me.”

“Ye-yeah. Alright. See you tomorrow Y/N.”

“Night, Chris.”

**

You were positive it wasn’t half a night in the freezing cold that did you in. It was probably the travel, along with the stress of being away. No matter how you spun it, you were sick. Head congested, sore throat, the occasional chill while you were indoors. Yeah, you were sick. Monica turned out to be a germaphobe and you hadn’t seen that coming. It started as soon as you two were awake. She noticed the change in your voice.

“It’s just dry in here. Stupid winter. I just need some water,” you played it off not willing to accept your fate as well.

“Yeah okay. I know I saw a few water bottles in the mini fridge,” she replied.

You grabbed one and brought it into the bathroom with you. Taking a few chugs from the bottle, you set it on the counter then hopped into the shower hoping the hot steam would kick you into gear. It didn’t.

Maggie was shooting tonight along with Joe and Daisy. Chris and Keanu had the night off although you thought they maybe had some dialogue they were re-recording this afternoon. You were set to be Maggie’s backup tonight but really you wanted to do was go back to bed.

The two of you made your way to conference room B for the breakfast buffet they set up for your group each morning. It wasn’t much, but it was free and available from seven to ten each morning and you managed to wake up early enough to check it out. Grabbing a plate and filling it with a muffin, scrambled eggs, and two sausage thinks, you joined Monica at a table with a couple of other crew members.

Your throat started to tickle just a bit after your first bite of eggs. Taking a sip of orange juice did nothing to ease that feeling. You coughed into your napkin much to Monica’s horror.

“Too much pepper,” you replied.

She rolled her eyes but carried on eating her own breakfast until you coughed again. She stood up and moved a seat a few chairs away.

“Just a precaution,” she said with a shrug.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket. Reaching back into your pocket you quickly pulled it out.

Chris: You de-thaw yet?

Y/N: My shoes are soaked from the melted ice

Y/N: I slept great. That cold took a lot out of me. Thanks again for coming to my rescue.

Chris: 😎

Chris: No big deal

Y/N: Well, I appreciate it and will be better prepared tonight.

Chris: Captain’s orders

You shook your head at his comment.

Y/N: Wow. He went there.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah. Let me know if you have time to grab food later. Little harder for me to grab desserts here and bring them to your office.

Y/N: I’ll let you know.

The tickle was back and you couldn’t help but cough to clear it. Getting up from your seat, you averted Monica’s eyes as you dumped your plate and opened the door to leave.

“Better not be sick, Y/L/N!” she called out just as you stepped through the door.

I’m not sick. There’s no way. It’s just in my head.

Making a quick stop at the hotel gift shop, you paid double the amount you would pay at Target for vitamin C drops and Cold Eeze. These were for in case you were coming down with something. Not that you were or anything.

Back in your room, you applied moisturizer and light makeup. You hoped that trying to go on  with your day as normal would make you feel normal. By the time you got to the bathroom to do your hair, Monica came back to the room.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“I’m okay,” you replied putting the final touches on your hair.

“Just okay? That sounds specious.”

You let out a quick chuckle. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m just getting my bag. Maybe open a window. Let some of the germs out,” she said sticking her tongue out at you.

“I’ll see you there in a bit,” you said as she opened the door.

Except you didn’t. Somewhere between digging out your mittens, hat, and scarf that you apparently put back in your suitcase, along with returning a few missed calls from your family, you were tired. Deciding to lay down for just twenty minutes, turned into a couple of hours. The sound of pounding on your door was what woke you. Bolting up right in bed, you reached for your phone, seeing that it was already one in the afternoon. You had two missed calls from Chris along with a few text messages from him, Monica, and David.

“Coming,” your voice coming out hoarse. Your hand gently touched your neck as you swallowed, noticing it was slightly swollen and tender.

Swinging open the door, Chris stood in front of it, tired look on his face. His hands immediately going to his waist.

“Okay. You’re alive,” he said, bobbing his head as he said it. You giving a confused look in response. Chris nodded his head again, turned and started to walk away.

Keeping the door propped because you didn’t have on shoes or your room key on hand, you leaned out the door. “Chris! Come back! Please don’t make me yell.”

He stopped walking and turned back to face you. The same tired look was still on his face as he made his way back to you, stopping once he was in front of the door once again.

“I was--we were worried about you,” he sighed out. “When you didn’t respond to my text or call, I stopped by your cube and you weren’t there. Monica said you should have been there no later than eleven because you were on your way shortly after she was.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Then when you didn’t respond to Monica or David, we got concerned.”

“I’m sorry. I was just really tired and fell asleep too long,” you said softly, stepping back into the room and motioning for him to come in. “I didn’t mean to make you guys worry.”

Chris followed into the room, flicking on a light before taking a seat on Monica’s bed.

“It’s fine,” he sighed again. “Just didn’t know if something happened since you didn’t show up at the studio or answer your phone.”

“Don’t tell Monica, but I’m sick. I think that’s why I slept longer than I intended to. I’m sorry you came all the way out here,” you said, taking a seat next to him.

“I’m sorry you’re sick. That sucks.”

“It does,” you said getting up. “Should probably keep my distance. Don’t need the talent getting sick,” you said, giving him a wink.

“Good one. I’ll let it slide since you’re sick.” You grabbed your bag, checking to see that your worn script was still in it. “Where are you going? You’re sick, missy.”

“Missy? Really? It’s called life doesn’t pause just because of me,” you said slipping on your coat and putting your hat on.

Chris gabbed his phone from his pocket, clicking it a few times and bringing it to his ear.

“Hey,” he said. “Yeah, I found her. She’s sick and was sleeping when I got here. Trying to convince her to rest up… Yeah, she’s stubborn… What? No. No. I’ll take care of it. You don’t need to do that… I’m sure. I’ll get it sorted…Yeah, I’ll see you later… I’ll tell her… Bye Monica.”

“What are you telling me?” you asked as soon as he dropped his phone to the bed.

“You have the night off.” You were about to protest but Chris put his hand up. “Not my choice. She said she can handle it tonight and rather not have you breathing on her,” he chuckled prompting you to roll your eyes. “She said to rest up.” You nodded and started to unzip your coat. “Keep your coat on! You’re not staying here tonight.”

“Chris, I’m not hospital sick. I can stay in my own room,” you protested, hands instantly going to your hips.

He shook his head. “Monica was going to bunk up with someone else, but I told her I’d find you somewhere else to stay since she wouldn’t be back until late. You’re coming with me.” He stood up, grabbing your scarf from the desk and wrapping it around your neck.

“Where are we going?” you asked.

“You’re staying with me and before you say anything, it’s fine.”

“Chris…”

“Y/N…” he responded in the same tired tone. “It’s a three-bedroom condo. I have the room and no you won’t be in my way.”

“Okay…Let me just grab some things.”

Chris sat back down on Monica’s bed while you grabbed your carry-on, throwing in some pajamas, a change of clothes for tomorrow, your hairbrush, and makeup bag from the bathroom.

“Alright. Let’s go see how the other half lives,” you said with a smirk.

“Such a smaht-ass,” Chris said with a shake of his head.

“And that’s why we’re…”

“…we’re friends,” he cut you off. “Yeah. Yeah. Let’s get a move on sicko. Cahs waitin’ downstairs.”

This is totally normal. Doesn’t look inappropriate at all. What the studio doesn’t know won’t hurt anyone.

**

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[anythingandeverything1d]

Bandmate Harry #2

“Okay, one more concert and then we have a bit of break but you all are doing amazing today.” Harry smiled. You looked around. Everyone was buying into it. Unbelievable. The week had been a complete and utter disaster. Everything that could've gone wrong had actually gone wrong. Harry, Mr. Optimism over here was acting like it was sunshine and rainbows when there were serious problems that needed discussing. Like why the hell no one can actually figure out the correct placement of instruments. Or why the lighting people cant properly do their jobs. You rolled your eyes and broke away from the group earning an exasperating sigh from Harry. You ignored him and walked into the dressing room for a break. Clearing your head was exactly what you needed. You picked up your phone and smiled at the cute text from AJ. You had met him a few weeks ago while performing in Cali and he seemed like a great guy. You were about to call him and tell him about the shit show of a week when Harry walked in, his hands tearing through his hair, not a great sign this was going to be a fun conversation.

“Why did you leave the meeting early?”

“Why are you acting like everything is fine when its not?”

“(y/n)....”

“Harry you can’t seriously be okay with this. I mean things are a disaster and you're over here like telling people great job. The show is in a few days and no one is ready.”

“You can’t just walk out of a team meeting.”

“I needed to clear my head.”

“Of what?”

“Of your bull shit.” You crossed your arms and looked at him. He was mad, you could tell.

“Why do you always have to argue with me and make things difficult?”

“Why do you always have to treat people like everything they do deserves a trophy?”

“It’s called being kind. You should try it sometime.”

“It doesn't get anything done. Clearly.”

Harry stood up and gave you a look to which you returned with a glare. “I can’t deal with you right now?” 

“Never asked you to in the first place.”

Harry laughed frustrated and looked at you. “If you have a problem with the way things are run you can always leave.”

You stared at him and shook your head. “Maybe I will.”

“It would sure make my life a hell of a lot easier if you left.”

Ouch, that one hurt. Harry walked away without saying anything else and you texted AJ. You desperately needed a distraction. AJ said he would pick you up in an hour so you wiped the tear from your eye and got ready. 

“I just don’t get why he can’t listen to my opinion, or take my advice on how to help things move along. He just doesn’t respect me or my thoughts like he does with other people in the band.’

“He shouldn’t be that way, it just doesn't seem very professional. I mean is it because your younger? Because that shouldn't matter, youre a part of the band thats the only thing that should matter.” 

Aj had taken you out to dinner and you were ranting about the argument you had with him. “He told me to leave. He told me life would be easier without me.”

“What the fuck? Who says that to someone in their band?”

“I don't know...” you mumbled taking another bite.

“You should do it.” Aj said through a mouthful of pasta.

“Do what?”

“Leave. Come be the drummer in my band.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Mark broke his wrist and we've been looking for a replacement. I mean obviously its not as big as Harry’s venue but its something. It’s at least a job where you would be respected.” You bit your lip. On one hand, it would be so nice to leave and just start over with another band. One more closely related to your band like Aj’s was. On the other hand, Harry was family and leaving would hurt him in the end.

“I don't know...”

“Look, you have a few days before your concert. Why don't you come to our rehearsal tonight and just see how you mesh with everyone.”

You sighed and nodded. “Youre right. There’s no harm and testing it out...” 

AJ smiled and finished his food with a smirk. “Can’t wait.”

You met AJ at their rehearsal location and he introduced you to the two other guitar players, all boys around your age or a little older. They all seemed super nice and rehearsal went by quickly and without any problems. Everyone did their part and they did it correctly. There was no arguing, no stress, just success. It felt good.

AJ drove you back to the hotel where you were greeted with a frown from Harry who was waiting at the hotel doors. “Where have you been all night? You missed stage rehearsal.” You kissed AJ goodbye and waved as he drove away, ignoring Harry the way he had earlier and just walking past him inside. “(y/n). What the fuck are you doing? I’m trying to talk to you. Where were you?”

“At rehearsal.”

“No you weren't. Everyone but you was at rehearsal actually.”

“No. Actually, I was at rehearsal with my new band, with AJ’s band.”

“Why?”

“Because you told me to leave and youre right. So I tested out another option tonight.”

“You have to be kidding.”

“I’m not.”

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be funny.”

“(y/n).”

“Harry.”

“Is he pressuring you? Giving you something so that you will have to be in his band?”

You laughed. “No. I willingly tried out his band today. There was nothing else by myself that made me do that.”

“You can’t just leave.”

“Oh yeah? Because an hour ago you were yelling at me saying that your life would be easier without me and so I found another option. People who actually appreciate me and value what I say.”

“(y/n).”

“Look, I’m tired. I’m going to bed, but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You wandered back to your room, texting AJ about how Harry had been upset. AJ told you he would get over it but you weren't sure. 

You woke up early the next morning and made your way to AJ’s second rehearsal. When you arrived, you were surprised to find Harry. “Harry? What are you doing here?”

“I came to see your new band.”

“Why?”

“Just because.”

“Okay?” 

You went to your drum set and played while AJ started singing, “All my friends are falling in love, All my friends are locking it up, But I can't seem to settle down, 'Cause I'm waiting on you to come around, While all my friends are falling in love.”

You made it through the whole set but suggested to the band and AJ that the song order should be rotated and that the lighting should dim for certain songs. Everyone nodded in agreement and wrote out a new setlist and directions for the lighting team. You made you off stage and smiled. It was nice to have that support and openness to new ideas. Harry was waiting backstage, his arms crossed. “Great job.”

“Thanks.”

“I noticed something about your rehearsal.”

“Whats that?”

“You didn't even snap at anyone. I mean no mean comments. Are you sure you're actually (y/n)?” he laughed.

“Maybe when people actually give me the time of day...”

“I give you the time of day.”

“NO YOU DON’T!” you were getting upset. “You never listen. No one does. You all think I’m a stupid teenager who cant carry her weight.”

‘Thats not true.”

“It is!” You dropped the drum sticks to the floor. “You all think my ideas are stupid. No one ever even fully listens to what I’m trying to say. At least here people listen and discuss the ideas.”

“So are you saying youre done with your job? Youre not going to tour with us any more?”

“Isn't that what you wanted in the first place? Now you can just replace me with some old person who doesn't care what the hell goes on on stage.”

“I didnt want you to leave.”

“You said you did.”

“I was mad!” Harry sighed. “(y/n) youre like my little sister. I value youre opinions. I do.”

“But you don’t.”

“I do.”

“You don't. Do you even know what the last thing I suggested was?”

“Well-”

“Exactly...”

“Look-” Harry sat down and patted the seat next to him. You sat and crossed your arms. “I’m sorry. I haven't been as open to new things lately and thats something we can work on. I don't think you leaving is the answer to anything, but if its what you want and its what makes you happy-”

“Being your drummer makes me happy. But not when you all tell me to shut up and act like I’m not a member of the band just because I’m younger.”

Harry sighed again. “If being in AJ’s band makes you happy you should do it. I want you to pick what's best for you. Don't think about my feelings or AJ’s. Think about what you want. And when you figure that out, I’ll be in the hotel.”

You groaned and thought about it. Being with AJ would be great, you loved the band. Being with Harry and touring the world would also be great, but no one treated you like you belonged there. You knew you couldnt leave Harry. You knew that no matter how frustrating everyone was, you committed and weren't going to leave him without a drummer. You may have wanted to be in AJ’s but Harry was going to get you farther in your career.

You wandered into the hotel and sat in the chair across from Harry’s. “I made my decision.”

“And?”

“I’m not going to leave you empty handed on tour without a drummer.”

Harry looked up surprised. “What?”

“I want to stay in your band....if you'll have me...”

Harry walked over and pulled you into a hug. “Of course I’ll take you. You're the best drummer we could ask for. And I do promise to try and include you more often.” You nodded and grinned as everyone came over to see what was happening. “Well actually,” Harry started. “(y/n) has some ideas for tour...I think we should listen to them all...”

---

A request for a second part. I left this one a little more chill so idk...im not sure how I feel about it. But enjoy! xoxo

[jazzman-19-blog]

Crazy Little Thing Called Life

*This picture doesn’t really go along with this chapter but I thought it was a cute photo :]*

A/N: Wow, Chapter 7 is finally here. Sorry for such the delay like always, I’m horrible at time management. This chapter gets a little steamy and of course ends in a cliff hanger. Sorry to do that to you. But a lot kinda of happens in this chapter and it’s all over the place so sorry for everything horrible in here. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Bye for now. ;]

~with lots of love, Jazzman~

Summary: A road trip/vacation between two old friends turn into something more(basic plot but whateva)

Song: Stand By Me by Ben E. King

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

Word count: 3993

Warnings: language, slight naughty things, horrible writing skills.

If you would like to be added to the taglist, just let me know!

*Reblogs/asks/opinions are appreciated!*

Ch. 7: Who’s The Blonde?

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This was the worst hangover you have ever experienced before in your entire life! Your head was pounding and throbbing, you felt like somebody had knocked you out. The room was spinning and the light from the windows were so bright, it was a pain to your eyes. You tried to stand up but when you got off the bed, your legs were weak that you almost fell, and oh my god, your stomach was whirling. Next thing you knew, you were running for the bathroom trying not to fall over on the way there. Sure, you had experienced small, little hangovers before but this, this was new. Maybe it’s because you had two whole bottles of wine last night. You can’t even remember anything from the night before, if you were being honest. You could have shared all of your feelings for Ben, with Ben, for all you knew! Your main concern right now, was getting rid of your sickness. 

Ben walked into the bathroom from his room and saw you on the floor next to the toilet with your head down. He knew he heard someone throwing up when he walked into his room. He woke up an hour before you and had just gotten over his killer hangover. He crouched down beside you and lifted your hair out of your face and the toilet, you hadn’t really noticed that Ben walked in. You were too busy throwing up and your head was still throbbing. 

“Love? Are you ok?” Ben asked as he rubbed your back to comfort you. As much as you loved Ben’s back rubs, you were not in the mood and you were too sick to care. 

“Do I look like I’m OK?” You snapped at him as you placed your forehead against the seat of the toilet. You felt bad for snapping at him like that but god, you just needed some time alone right now. 

“I’m sorry. I mean, do you need any help? Is there anything I can do?” Ben felt bad for you, he really did and he was just trying to be a good friend but damn, he just needed to give you some space right now.

“Yes Ben I’m fine! Can I please just be alone right now?” You were getting irritated and it wasn’t his fault. You didn’t even want to look him in the eyes or even lift up your head for that matter. Then another wave of nausea hit you and you ended back up in the toilet seat, throwing up everything in your stomach. 

“Ok, I’ll be in my room if you need me…” He left through the bathroom door, into his room. Damn it, he was trying to be nice and here you are being a total bitch to him. You would call him back in here but you always stood by your word, even if you were wrong. What you didn’t know was that Ben didn’t stay in his room, he knew to give you space so he found another way to help. He went downstairs and made you tea to ease you up, got you some water to rehydrate you(that’s what he heard would help), and some ibuprofen to take for the headache. He secretly snuck back into your room and placed everything on your night stand next to your bed with a letter. 

You felt like you were done puking but you were scared to go back to bed and have to run into the bathroom again. Your arms and legs felt weak but you pushed yourself up anyways and made your way out of the bathroom. Your hands tried to find things to hold onto as you made your way to your bed. Once you reached it, you moved all of the covers up and slid into it, all you wanted right now was some rest. That was until you realized the tea, water, and meds on your night stand. Of course you knew Ben put it there ‘cause it sure as hell wasn’t casper. 

You sat up against the headboard and grabbed the ibuprofen and water, drinking the water as you took the medication. Your headache had gone down a little before, so maybe the meds would make it go down even more. As you were about to grab the tea, you noticed a little slip of paper under the warm cup. You pulled the note from under the tea and opened it. The slip of paper read: 

I know you wanted space but I REALLY wanted to help because I felt bad, but I gave you some ibuprofen, tea, and water to at least help in some way. If there’s anything else you need, I’ll be in the room next door like always. Also I was gonna say let’s go to the beach today but your probably sick as fuck so we’ll just plan that for tomorrow but for right now I’m heading to the grocery store, if you need anything just text me! Ok bye Love! Get better soon! 

Well ok then Ben. Damn it, why did he always have to be so nice to you even when your a complete bitch to him? You place the note back on the nightstand and resume back to your warm cup of tea. You just sat there and sipped your tea while thinking of anything you needed from the store. Nothing came to mind at the moment, but you knew the minute Ben comes back, you’ll finally remember something you needed. That’s just how your brain liked to play games with you. Stupid piece of shit, stop making life more difficult than it has to be. 

Once you finished your cup of tea, you put the empty cup back on top of the note and tucked yourself away under the covers. Maybe taking a little nap wouldn’t hurt, Ben was out shopping so he probably wouldn’t care. Your eyelids suddenly got heavy and then before you knew it, you were passed out. 

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Ben decided to go out and go grocery shopping which is new to him. Sure, he went shopping with his mom but never by himself. It was new territory for him. Especially since he’s in a whole new state too. He didn’t know exactly what to get either but he didn’t want to call and disturb you. He went to this place called Vons, it had the same vibe as a Safeway back in Arizona so maybe it was all connected somehow. 

He went through the aisles one by one and literally packed the cart with junk food and some alcohol to replace the two wine bottles you both drowned in last night. One girl came up to him and asked if something was wrong since he looked confused.

“No, I’m alright. I’m just new here actually.” 

“You’ve never been to Vons?” She looked quite puzzled. 

“No, but I also meant I’m new to Cali.” Ben chuckled as he saw how the girl’s face turned to a shade of pink from embarrassment. 

“I’m sorry, I’m stupid, I didn’t realize that’s what you meant. Of course.” 

“It’s alright, really, no need to be sorry love.” And with that, the random girl started to help him with his shopping once he explained everything and why he was here. She had to scurry away to her own cart but she gave him her number in case of anything. She seemed nice and she looked like she was in her 20’s. Sadly, he didn’t catch her name at all.

Ben checked out all of the items and was on his way home. He knew you would probably be asleep or dying over the pain. Either way he wanted to make sure you were at least better now than earlier. He pulled into the driveway and started to unload the groceries into the house from the back door. Once he was finished, he started putting all the food in the cabinets and the fridge and freezer. After that, he just went upstairs to check on you. 

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While Ben was away you took a relaxing nap. It was all you needed and the tea really did help. You woke up and checked the time to realize that you slept for only an hour. The hangover had gone away and you decided to go see if Ben was home yet. Right when you were about to walk out of your bedroom, you bumped into Ben at the door frame. You were about to fall back until Ben caught you with his arm. 

“You alright Love?” His warm smile and soft, green eyes made you melt right into him. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Didn’t notice you came back.” You smiled as you stood up straight, out of his grip. You walked over to your bed with the little bit of grace left in you and patted the bed for him to go and sit next to you. You were still in his Bumblebee outfit from last night. 

Ben quickly walked over to the edge of your pink, fluffy bed and sat next to you. You were still kinda tired from earlier so you laid your head in Ben’s lap. His thighs were extremely warm even though it wasn’t even hot outside or inside. Ben’s face turned into a crimson red as you did so. He wasn’t expecting that. He didn’t really know what to do. So Ben just started fiddling with strands from your hair. 

“Hey Ben?” You said in a low hum that sent goosebumps up his body. 

“Yes Love?” Ben said in a deep voice that sent shivers down your spine. 

“Can you sing something to me?” Your hand was on his thigh now as you stared off into the dresser across from your bed. You rubbed your index finger in a circular motion in only one spot on his right thigh. 

“I don’t see why not, but I’m not very good.” Ben said as he was thinking of something to sing to you. He picked Stand By Me by Ben E. King. He loved that song and he knew every word. He started to hum the beginning. 

           “When the night has come

              And the land is dark

    And the moon is the only light we’ll see

    No I won’t be afraid, no I won’t be afraid

    Just as long as you stand, stand by me

  So darlin’, darlin’, stand by me, oh stand by me

           Oh stand by me, stand by me 

            If the sky that we look upon

              Should tumble and fall

   Or the mountains should crumble to the sea

     I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear

          Just as long as you stand, stand by me 

      And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me

                          Oh stand…”

Ben whispered the song and sang at such a low voice that it was making you sleepy again. You loved it when Ben sang to you, he has such a beautiful and deep voice. And only you get to hear it whenever you wanted. 

Even though Ben was good at singing, you were great at many different instruments. Such as the double and electric bass, the piano, and the guitar. Sure Ben could sing but you were the talented little bean. At least that’s what Ben called you. 

You had fallen fast asleep in Ben’s lap and weren’t planning on moving. He didn’t want to disturb you but he had to get ready for tonight. He decided to go out again but this time without you. Only so he doesn’t have to watch over you. At least, that’s what he would tell you later. He picked you up bridal style once again and laid you on your bed while tucking you in your cozy blanket. He tiptoed his way through the bathroom and into his room before shutting the door. 

--------------------------------

You woke up to find yourself in your bed and the morning light shining directly on you. It would be perfect if you weren’t so tired. All you remember is Ben singing to you before you passed out on his thigh. You want to get up but at the same time, you don’t. You’ve never been a morning person anyways. But you need to shower because you reek. Your hair was so greasy and matted. Don’t even start on the fact of how gross your face feels. Your face, for some strange reason, has always been oily and greasy as fuck and it gets on your nerves to the point that you take makeup wipes with you everywhere just to make sure your face isn’t shining like the sun. 

You push over the covers of your bed and waddle your way to the bathroom. You turn on the hot water to full blast and hop on in. The scolding water feels somewhat refreshing and great on your skin. It feels good and it wakes you up a bit to start the day. 

You jump on out of the shower and pick out some shorts and a giant t-shirt to wear. You felt kinda bad for being mean to Ben yesterday and then falling asleep on him. Maybe you’ll make breakfast for him if he isn’t already up. 

You walk through the bathroom and to Ben’s door and creak it open a little to peak. He’s still asleep in his bed and barely covered by the sheets. He’s naked alright but hopefully he has some boxers or briefs on. You quietly close the door. When your done with the bathroom, you make your way down the stairs to the kitchen. 

Just as your about to make ground level, you hear footsteps. Weird, the last time you checked, only you and Ben were living here. You turn your head around the corner to see a pretty blonde making herself some cereal in the kitchen. Why the fuck is she here? Does Ben have a secret sister you don’t know about? You slowly but surely go back up to your room to figure out a plan on what the hell to do. 

You instead, go into Ben’s room and start to poke at his biceps slightly. He’s literally flexing in his sleep, Ben is a power machine while you on the other hand aren’t even able to do anything that requires upper body strength. 

“Ben…” You whispered, feeling like a helpless kid who has to wake up their parents to tell them they threw up in the middle of the night. You stab at him a little harder this time and a little louder. 

“Ben, c’mon wake up.” All he did was move around a bit and grumble something. You stabbed at him a little more.

“Ben,” you were giving up at this point until he said something. 

“Come back to bed love. How about a second round before you go?” He grabbed you with both arms and put you on the other side of him on the bed. You could tell that he was only half awake. What did he even mean by second round? 

Before you knew it, Ben was hovering over you, in nothing but his boxers and you could perfectly see the indent in them. You didn’t know what to do, you were too flushed and red to think properly. Ben was getting closer to your face by the second. His knee was in between your legs now, inching closer and closer to your core. Until eventually it was rubbing against it. Even though you’ve been liking this so far, it had to stop because of the problem downstairs. But before you could say anything, all you heard from Ben’s door, was a slam. 

His eyes fully opened and realized that he wasn’t on top of his little fling from last night, but his best friend. He hadn’t fully comprehended who it was and had mistaken Y/n for the blondie, who he had completely forgotten the name of. 

“Shit!” Ben quickly stumbled back to the edge of the bed until he fell on the floor. You were left laying there on his bed staring at the ceiling. You let out a breathe you didn’t know you were holding in. You felt cold without Ben’s body flushed up against you in every physically possible way. Almost every way. 

Ben sat up and looked at you. He noticed your chest was heaving up and down rapidly. Not that he was staring up there anyways. He was breathing fast. 

“I’m sorry, I thought- I didn’t mean-” Ben didn’t even know where to start. He felt like he violated you. 

“It’s okay Ben. Just wasn’t expecting that.” You looked over at him. His eyes were intense, usually they were soft and gentle, but these were different. They had this sort of darkness to them. You shook your head and tried to focus on the real task here.

“Who’s the model in our kitchen?” 

“Model?” 

“The pretty blonde downstairs? Do you know why she’s here?” You still hadn’t gotten the full image. 

“Oh. Well, she’s not here anymore,” Ben sighed as he got up and sat on the bed. “She just slammed the door when she saw me on top of you, I guess.” 

“Why was she here though?” You still weren’t getting it.

“She was my little fling last night, if you want to call it that,” Ben sighed, “I had mistaken you for her and that’s why I got on top of you love. If I had known it was you, I wouldn’t have done that.” 

Your face was bright red. He didn’t play with you like that because he wanted to, it was because he thought you were somebody else, he doesn’t like you like that. At least, that’s what you told yourself. You thought that he did that purposefully for you, not for her. You felt embarrassed and oh so much more. 

“Oh.” Everything was clicking into place now. You brought your legs up to your chest and sat up against the head board. Ben can’t even look at you. 

You decide to climb out of Ben’s bed and wobble your way back to the hallway. Your legs had fallen asleep, which for some reason your brain hadn’t comprehended, and you fell face flat on the floor next to Ben’s bed. He rushed over to you to try and help you up, but you just laid there. You didn’t want to move. All you wanted to do, was turn into a puddle and disappear. You felt like a distressed child. 

Ben didn’t even know what to do, he just stood there looking down at you with his head tilted to the right. He bend down beside you and began tickling you uncontrollably. You turned into a laughing fit and felt like you couldn’t breathe. You even flipped over which was a poor choice since he just assaulted your stomach even more. Tears were springing from your eyes as you tried to fight him off. 

Benny Boy lifted you off of the ground and threw you over his shoulder and carried you down stairs. You were still recovering from that tickle war with Ben and helpless on his shoulder. He sat you down on the couch and brought out the two blankets from your grandma’s house. He sat down next to you while you snuggled into the warm blanket. 

“So Ben, why’d you bring me down here?” 

“I just thought we could talk or hang out for a bit, love.” He said as his bright sage eyes bore into yours. 

“Like?” You were curious on what he wanted to talk about. He seemed confident, until it was his turn to talk. 

“Like, who that girl was. To be fairly honest, I forgot her name.” he chuckled. He felt bad but it’s not like he’d ever see her again. 

“I have a question.” 

“Ask away, princess,” 

“Where’d you go last night? And how did she end up here?” You were curious because you didn’t know what happened after you fell asleep. 

“Well, after you fell asleep, I tucked you into bed and I got bored so I went out to a club for a bit,” He started rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “I also wanted to have a night where I didn’t have to watch over you.” 

“Oh. Well you could’ve just told me, I know I’m younger than you, but I’m not a child.” 

“I know. But I met the blonde at the bar and we really kicked things off and the next thing I know, we’re back here doing, you know.” 

“Ew Ben, please don’t describe anything to me. I may be eighteen but I’m still a child! Also I’m never going on your bed again.” Now that you think about, you probably were laying exactly were they were- ew, that thought made you want to vomit. You’ve been a virgin all your life, so anything that was sex related was gross to you. You acted like a twelve year old learning about sex in middle school for the first time. 

“Sure sweetheart but knowing you, you’ll probably just end up back on it in a few hours, snuggled in my blankets and clothes.” Ben had a little grin on his face because he knew he was right. You were about to smack it right off his face when Ben threw a pillow at you, hitting you right in the face. You basically pounced on him and got yourself tangled in the blankets with him. It was the start of a pillow fight. 

In just five minutes, Ben was laying on the floor with you straddling him, trying to put your hair in a ponytail as he tickled your stomach. Ben was still just in his boxer and your shorts weren’t very covering so of course you felt his bulge through the fabrics. You didn’t say anything though because you didn’t want this to end. 

Before you knew it, Ben flipped you over so now you were the one on the floor. He was hovering quite close to you. 

“Back where we started huh?” His eyes were hooded and dark. It frightened you a bit but it was kinda of exciting to see this side of the Benny Boy you knew. 

“I guess so.” 

The last thing you said before Ben closed the gap between the two of you. His lips were soft and smooth as they pressed against yours. You thought it would be a soft, sweet and slow kiss but Benny Boy over here was going at it. You wrapped your arms around his neck and tried to flip him back over which he did. You let go of the heavy kiss as you started to straddle him again, purposely pushing against his bulge. Ben let out quiet groan from the friction. 

“Oh Benny Boy? You okay down there?” You usually liked being the dominant one in almost every situation, and maybe even in bed. 

“You’ve got to speak to me baby.”

“I-I’m fine,” His head was thrown back as you kept grinding up against the ever growing bulge in his boxers. 

You leaned back down and started to pepper kisses along his jaw and neck. That was until you noticed the giant ass hickey on his neck. Why hadn’t you noticed that before? Now you weren’t really in the mood anymore. That hickey had sort of set something off in the back of your head. 

You stopped grinding against Ben and climbed off of him. You quickly grabbed your blanket and dashed to your room upstairs where you locked the door and sat against it. Leaving a confused Ben downstairs. 

He didn’t know what happened, did he rushed things too quickly? Had he done something wrong? All he saw was the sad look on your face before you got up and ran off. What he didn’t know was the reason why you left… 

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Taglist: 

@rogmeddows @queenlover05 

[yaachtynoboat711]

Fonder Ch.1

A/N: It’s finally here! Welcome to the series premiere of Fonder. Apparently, y’all were excited as hell for this series, which forced me to write my ass off and force myself to stick to angst. This is definitely going to be much longer than At First Glance was. If you have any feedback, please free to talk to me in either my asks, my messages, or in the notes. Don’t forget to reblog and like!

Warning(s): Angst, Our faves separating, a few typos(?)

Word Count: 1.6K

June 20, 2014, 2:37 PM

Manhattan, New York

New acting endeavors and opportunities called for Winston to decide to make the move to Los Angeles. The success of his Law & Order: SVU episode made him a hot item for more exposure (as it should’ve). With a few more days until his big move, he wanted to show his girlfriend Khalida the final draft of his talent agency contract. Though she wasn’t by any stretch an entertainment lawyer, she understand the deceptive language of contracts and how to counter the finesse. So much so that the final draft of the contract was actually the sixth draft. No one was bullshitting Winston Christopher Duke and his career as long as she was “Black and breathing” as she always said.

She entered his Manhattan apartment as she always did: ringing the doorbell as she unlocked the door with her key. Before she could announce herself , she was sidetracked by the various moving boxes that littering the apartment floor. Pictures and posters that sat or hung throughout the apartment were packed up, making the main room feel much bigger than it was. The furniture had already been sent to his new space in Los Angeles. Winston walked into the living room to meet his girlfriend.

“Hey, you.”, Winston said as he stepped over two boxes to pepper her lips with two kisses.

“Hey,Mr. Hollywood! I didn’t even know your place was this big. You look like you’re ready to go today.”, she laughed as she returned his kisses, “You got that final draft for me?”.

“Of course.” He ran back to his room and returned with a thick stack of papers.

She rested her elbows on the kitchen counter carefully read every page of the contract,occasionally shaking her head or making comments to herself.

“Perfect. Gone ahead and sign. I also came to turn my key in. I’ll be in court when you leave so I came to say that I’ll miss our New York/D.C. weekend excursions and complaining to you about these cold ass days.”, she noted as she looked down and toyed with her keys.

“Well, funny you say that. I was trying to figure out how to ask…”

She sat up from the kitchen counter. “Ask what, Chris?” She helped herself to the second to last Naked Green Machine juice in the bare fridge.

“Ask if you could move in with me?” Silence.

She choked on the juice. Her eyebrows furrowed and a corner of her lip drew into her mouth as though she was processing what Winston just asked her.

“Move to where?”, she responded.

His face turned. “Khalida, be serious. For once.”

“For once?! Fuck you mean for once? You the one asking stupid ass questions and you’re telling me to ‘be serious for once’? On muvas, you trippin.”

“Excuse me? I’m the one asking stupid questions?”

“Hopefully, you’re the only person I’m talking to right now. I can’t move, Winston. We’ve gone over this, yet you don’t wanna listen. What happened to us maintaining the long-distance relationship?”

Winston pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “Because…”, he began, “I feel like this’ll be easier for us to stay together and bond.”

She stared at him with a confused look on her face. “So what the hell have we been doing for the past seven months then? Hmm?”

“I just feel like we can take our relationship to the next lev—“

“—We just started dating. You’re talking about the next level and we’re barely in through the first level. It’s not gonna happen,Chris.”, she shrugged. He walked across the room closer to Khalida.

“Why not,Yaa?”, he exhaled sharply.

“I can’t leave D.C. right now, Chris: I just started my career! Hell, the ink on the lease hasn’t even dried completely, Kimya and I finally are gaining some clientele, and even if I weren’t just starting a few months ago, California’s the last state I’ll ever move to. At least in my right mind.”

“What are you saying?”, Winston scoffed.

“Honey, lemme break it down for you: I’m a lawyer. In order to legally practice law, I have to be barred in insert state or commonwealth here. While there are a handful of states that have a Universal Bar Exam, Cali ain’t one of them. The California State Bar is the hardest bar exam in the country and I’m simply not taking that shit. You’ve decided as an actor that the best move for you and your future is to be closer to the action in Los Angeles. My work is in DC; moving would defeat the purpose. I can’t just stop what I’m still figuring out for someone else.”

He shook his head, “So this has to be easiest decision you’ve ever made, I see. Choosing your career over us? Is this what you’re doing?” He paced the floor.

Khalida pushed off the kitchen counter and walked closer to Winston, “First off, don’t ever do that. You have a career to nurture and grow and so do I. I’m not your possession. Pussy don’t pay the bills,Wins.”,she hissed.

“You still didn’t answer my question, Khalida. Are you choosing your career over us?”

“Why can’t I? Apparently, you’ve done the same and it’s no issue for you. I can’t just drop my career and my purpose for no reason at all. You know what? I gotta catch my train in an hour. Traffic’s a whore, y’know?”

Khalida walked towards the front door, stepping over the moving boxes in her path. Sensing her sincerity, he began running behind her.

“Khalida, if you walk out of that door, consider us done.”, his shaky voice commanded.

Her head whipped around. “Come again?!”

“I said...if you walk out of that door, Khalida, consider us finished.”

Khalida’s bottom lip quivered and tears began falling down her face as she slowly closed the door. Still facing the door, she inhaled deeply. She slowly turned around walked towards Winston, who was now standing in the former dining area. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. Afterwards, she held his hands in hers, placing her key in his palm.

“What’s wrong, baby? Wh-What are you doing? Don’t do this to me, Khalida, please. I love you so much.”, Winston pleaded. His words choked him and he sensed an unsettling feeling come over him. The conclusion.

“I’m so sorry. We need to take some time to ourselves and build our careers and ourselves up. We've gone too fast in such a small window of time. I think for the preservation of us that we should take a break.”, she cupped his face into her hands.

Tears began to well up in Winston’s eyes, “A break? I thought you said you’d be here for me every step of the way.”

“Here isn’t exclusive to the physical, Wins. No matter what happens, I’ll always be here and here.” She pointed at his forehead and heart. “Moreover, you need to be there for yourself. This is what you were made to do. I’m still gonna cheer you on. Plus, I’d rather the plane malfunction on the ground than 10,000 feet in the air.”

The latter part of Khalida’s words hit Winston like a ton of bricks. She said the exact same thing back in New Orleans after Carrie disclosed their inevitable separation. Carrie and Khalida’s words replayed in his subconscious all the time. He never wanted to think about separating from the love of his life. Moreover, he didn’t want to think about how easy it was for Khalida to let go so easily (or so he thought).

Before she walked out of the door, she turned around one last time. “Is this truly what you want,Winston?”, she asked softly.

Winston pondered on her question. He didn’t want to let go. He couldn’t let go. But if it meant saving their special bond, then by all means. He nodded with hesitation. She reluctantly accepted his non-verbal response.

“Okay.”, her voice broke barely above a whisper. She turned around one final time and walked out of the door. “We’ll be back together, I promise.”

When she closed the door, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Seven months worth of memories quickly replayed in her mind. The intimate moments stuck out more. The realization of their end hit her like a truck. “Oh, God.”, she said to herself as her hands rested on her knees to keep her from falling over. Her grief overwhelmed her; the tears released and so too her anger. She was angry with herself for allowing a stupid prophecy for separating them. Before she could allow her spirit of lamentation to further consume her, she ran down the hallway to the elevator.

He was incensed. He was mad at everything and everyone. Mad at Yaa for letting a suggestion tear them apart. Mad as hell with Carrie for even fixing her wicked mouth to even suggest a separation in the first fucking place. Mostly, he was pissed with God for allowing any and all of this to happen. Tears quickly fell from his face as he too lamented over his sudden loss. There was now a void in his heart. He held on to what was left of Yaa: her key. Suddenly, he shot up from his seated position on the floor and chucked the key at the wall. All of the anger,hurt, and confusion went into that one throw. He fell to the ground as his pain grew stronger.

Carrie was right: it was doomed to happen, but only time would tell if absence would make their hearts grow fonder.

Taglist:

@muse-of-mbaku @kumkaniudaku @eriknutinthispoosy @whoramilaje @mbakusthrone @mbakuwife @turn-thy-paige @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @starryeyedsav @jackburtonsays @randomwordprompts @stark-red19 @bartierbakarimobisson @wakandan-flowerz @blackpantherreblogs @babygirlofwakanda @eerythingisshaka @washyourlinens @wakandas-vibranium @dramaqueenamby @destinio1 @sonofnjobu @teheeboo @sarahboseman @iamrheaspeaks @doublesidedscoobysnacks @chaneajoyyy @lovelynervouschaos @cay-cah @coonflix @katasstrophey @mareethequeen @jozigrrl @great-neckpectations @jellybean531 @yofavcocoa @storibambino @maya-leche @blackgirloneshots @royallyprincesslilly @texasbama

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #179

“if i showed you my soul, would you cover your eyes?”

If you’re dating someone, how long has it been? One year, one month. If you’re a girl, have you ever had the urge shave your hair? Um, no. How hot do summers for you get? Highest has been like 110 or so. Do you live by a forest? No. Is there a real fireplace in your house? No. What do you prefer: Small cars, hybrids, trucks or SUVs? Normal cars? What’s the scariest book you’ve ever read? No book's ever scared me. Do your parents drink? No. Do you have any pet fish? No. What’s your favorite seafood to eat? I just like shrimp. What does your best friend love that you hate? Seafood (except what is mentioned above). Have you ever seen The Twilight Zone? A few at school, but I didn't really pay attention. Name the creepiest horror movie character for you: Ghostface. Are you a person that’s scared of things like bugs, spiders, mice and rats? Only some bugs and spiders. What do you believe in more: Ghosts or demons? Ghosts. Is it ever okay for a woman to ask out a man? Actually fuck off. Do people confide in you? Sometimes. Actually very flattering that most people I do care/have cared about tend(ed) to. Ever been around someone who makes you feel stupid? My psychiatrist makes me feel like a caveman and Girt is super smart, but neither intentionally do it. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy and Grampa. Have you ever cried while reading a book? Yup. How many college degrees do you want? At least two. Do you like animals? LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if I could be friends with someone who didn't. What do you wear to sleep? Pj pants and a tank. Do you have anyone who is a surrogate parent/sibling to you? No. Ever fallen asleep sitting up? Maybe? How well do you know the people you live with? I have a super strong connection w/ my mom, so guess. Do you have any heroes? Mark, my mom, the Holly Hill staff, Sara, Rhett and Link. Do you take your time when making an important decision? Always, almost. But if I'm angry or manically depressed, I'm impulsive as hell. Do you enjoy comedy shows? Yeah. Do you own any jerseys? No. Do you have a song stuck in your head? "Voices" by Motionless In White, which I'm binging. Is there anything worrying you right now? Not actively. Do you believe life is what you make it? In some ways, but there are many extreme situations  that you can't really change, and no light can be made of them. Travel anywhere, where would it be? At this very instant... idk. I don't want to travel 'til I have a new camera. Meet anyone, who would it be? do you???????????? know me?????????????????????????????? Bring anyone dead back to life, who would it be? Oh boy, idk. Freddie Mercury, maybe? Thought of him as as I answer this question, it's his death anniversary. Get anything for free for the rest of your life what would it be? Ummmm I don't drive yet, but gasoline sounds like the best answer here. Change one thing about your life, what would it be? Not being long-distance with Sara. Have any superpower what would it be? Be a druid. Eliminate one of your human needs which would you get rid of? I don't wanna go to the bathroom weeps I can't drink anything without having to pee five minutes later. Change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be? Be a slim goddess with an a s s leave me and my dreams alone. Change one of your personality traits which would you choose? Assuming the worst. Be talented at anything instantly what would you choose? Social interaction. Forget one event in your life which would you choose? The night of the breakup. That night still feels surreal; it literally felt like the apocalypse. Nooo words do what I felt even a quarter of justice. Change one law in your country, which would you change? Alter the second amendment to some degree. What was the last thing that made you feel good? Mom was super proud of me for doing a lot of the dishes. I absolutely haaaate doing it. Do you have an annoying neighbor? Not really. Do you get exercise daily? No. What school subject do/did you hate the most? Math. How do you feel about God? The Christian one, I'm assuming you mean? I wouldn't be surprised if someone assumed me a Satanist if I answered this without detail. What is one thing you would hate about living in the era before yours? Lack of technology weeps. Which historical era interests you the most? Ehhhh '80s? Are you disabled in any way? No. Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? HOUSE. Who do you wish you were still friends with? Megan, Hannia, Miranda... and I guess that's it if you only mean those my bond was officially cut with, not those I just drifted from. Do you prefer Small Business Saturday, Black Friday, or Cyber Monday? HUNNY I'm all about Cyber Monday. Who do you care about the most? In some contexts myself, but in others, Sara. What country do you think produces the best musical artists? England, I suppose? What is a song that always makes you happy? No song absolutely without fail is capable of that. Would you be able to choose between your mom and dad? Maybe. It'd be ridiculously difficult. Do you have the same political views as your parents? Some. Are you closer to your mom or dad’s family? Mom's, but I only recall seeing Dad's once. How old are the last two people you kissed? 20, and... he's 22 or 23? Who was the last person to text you before you went to bed last night? Sara. When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? Aaron, not since high school. Juan, forever ago. Jason, well over a year ago. Tyler, sometime last year. Girt, maybe a few weeks back. Do you cry easily? My eyelids are onion skin. Ever cried while you were on the phone with the last person you kissed? Over Skype. Your parents said they were moving, what would your reaction be? I don't live with Dad, so it wouldn't affect me. If Mom said that, I'd be pretty meh, mostly because I don't want to pack up my room and put all this shit back up. Especially when I don't plan on living here for many more years, so I'd just have to do it again. Do you have any text messages that you don’t want other people to read? Uhhh I don't think? I mean there's some I'd prefer to stay completely between me and the recipient, but I wouldn't be humiliated or something. Is it hard for you to get over someone? APPARENTLY. Your last kiss, on a bed or standing? Standing. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yeah. Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time? The laundry room. It's the first room from the back door. Would you rather take a cruise ship or airplane to get to your destination? Plane. Do you like winter? Yes. Are you trying to grow out your hair? That's not in my plans for the foreseeable future. Which friend are you most similar to? Sara. Do you have the right time set on your microwave? Yeah. Do you have a flat screen TV or just a regular box? Flat screen. Do you know how to change the oil in your car? No. Do you like Tootsie Rolls? I'll eat one in a tootsie pop, but no, I don't really enjoy them. What are you favorite kind of chips? Hot Cheetos. Have you taken any medicine recently? For what? Yeah, usual psychiatric prescriptions, pain relievers, and some allergy medicine. Does the water in your shower take a long time to get warm? Not really. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? Not anymore. Just don't see the point. Has anyone given you flowers recently? No. Do you like to go fishing? Yeah, but I always gently put the fish back. Has anyone you know been arrested recently? No. Do you have more than 1 email address? Yeah, but only because of Google's intrusive takeover shit. Do you think you will have the same job 2 years from now? N/A Is there someplace you would rather be right now? Man, I wanna be at Sara's super badly. Have you ever sang in front of a crowd? Yeah, but not alone. What kind of bathing suit do you wear? A black onesie with a skirt thing. Do you like your eyes? I suppose. Do you think you are pretty? I'd find myself okay if I was smaller. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Mom. Do you want kids? NO. Tell me what your backpack looks like: I miss my Ouija board one. :'<  Even had a planchette zipper. I need to get a new one for school. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? No. Have you ever cheated? I never could. What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? I'm not sure. Has anyone a grade above you ever had a crush on you? A few above. Describe the weirdest car you’ve ever seen. Who knows. Are you any good at improv? Never tried, never will, holy shit. I know I'd be a nightmare and feel cripplingly awkward. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? Either our late boxer mix Cali or this lab/something ginormous named Harley, but we didn't have him as an adult so I can't really remember. When did you last stay in a hotel, and where? Not since leaving for a dance competition at the beach yeeeaaars ago. Do you own any kind of helmet? No. Out of everything currently in your refrigerator, what food or drink is your favorite? I don't want to go refresh my memory. But I know we have a nachos Lunchable, and that's The Good Shit. Which do you prefer: iPhones, Android, Blackberries, or something else? iPhones. Do you ever put fruit on your cereal? No, it's pretty gross imo. Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? Not yet. But when I can purchase my own shit, I shall be DECKED OUT, my friends. Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk? Oh, absolutely milk. What kind of milk do you usually use? I think Ma normally gets 2%? Who was the last person who was rude to you? Mom, probably? Would you ever let the barista at Starbucks make a random drink for you? No. Have you ever used a fake name at Starbucks? Never been, as I don't drink coffee. Have you ever left a note in a library book? Don't believe so. Do you live in a house, condo, apartment, or dorm? House. Do you have a birthmark? If yes, what color is it? Yes; bit tanner than my normal skin. Would you ever film a YouTube video with no make-up on and messy hair? Prolly not 'cuz I'm a self-conscious fuck. What is the most comfortable type of pants, in your opinion? Men's pj pants. Have you ever had a cat? Dozens over the course of my life. Have you ever had a dog? Yeah, a handful. Have you ever any other kind of animal? Ball pythons, Chinese water dragon, iguana, rats, gerbils, guinea pigs, hamsters... Have you ever had a pet rock? lul yes. Do you own a bobblehead? No. Do you love someone who treats you like a piece of shit? Ha, fuck that. What’s your favorite DIY Halloween costume that you’ve seen? I dunno, seen so many!! What is your favorite gender-neutral name? I have quite a few. Jamie, Dakota, Aiden, etc. etc. Do you want to give your kids common names or unique names? IF I was to have kids, there's no way they'd have a very common name. What is your favorite type of braid? I had to look them up lmao. Maybe a curled plait? What is your favorite tattoo that you’ve seen? WHAT A QUESTION FOR ME. Idk!! But I like hyperrealistic ones. What is something you have too many of? Stuffed animals I refuse to give away lmao. What collection are you thinking of starting? Nothing new. Well, I'd love SotC merchandise, but that is some expeeeensive shit. Do you collect anything now? If so, what? Meerkat stuff and Silent Hill memorabilia. What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? All I care about is Hot Topic and Spencer's, but rue21 sometimes has some nice graphic tees. What is one thing you and your mom NEVER agree on? The "Bentley needs to go" situation. Have you ever snuck food into a movie theater? Uh yeah, the rule's stupid, b it's even more ridiculous to be willing to pay such prices for these things. The only thing I get myself is popcorn. What time zone are you in? EST. Honestly, have you ever trespassed? Where? Maybe? I think as a kid? Can you count to 10 in any other language? Which one(s)? German. Maybe Spanish? Do you have a favorite cousin? Who is it? No. Do either of your parents have tattoos? No. Mom wants at least one relating to us kids, though. Which was better: freeze tag or hide & go seek? Hide and seek. Have you ever taken a family portrait? Not a big one/with the extended fam. What pizza place do you usually order from? Domino's. For your birthday do people buy you a cake or bake you one? Buy. Do you bite on straws, lollipop handles, or ice cream sticks? No, gross to me. In what type of area was your first sexual encounter? A bedroom. What do you occupy your time with on flights? Listening to my iPod and looking out the window. When was your last major illness? What was it? Uhhhh... maybe that outrageous ear infection. Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite) Ummm. Probably Uncle Donny (not my actual uncle, we just called him that). He is/was the husband of our babysitter. Be nice to know how he's doing or if he's even still alive. Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years? Remember that Antz story? That. Because judgment/rejection. :^) Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years? Uhhhh idk. I'm sure there's something. Most embarrassing moment from your high school years? So I had this anxious/fidgeting habit of pulling my eyebrow hairs out. And it got to a point I went quite a while with almost none and it was suuuuper noticeable. Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground? No. Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set? YEAH, and I'm neutral now. Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk? No. What’s the most delicious food you’ve ever eaten in your life? This chicken that a family friend had at her wedding had to be like, gourmet. It was fucking delicious. Then spicy shrimp fritas from OG are some GOOD SHIT, I love not-too-crispy bacon, uhhhh. Do you pick at scabs? YEAH. What was your favorite part of prom? Taking the pictures. Have you ever performed CPR on anyone? No. Did you ever stutter, or have a hard time pronouncing? I stutter, but it's from anxiety. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? One-1 1/2. Do you enjoy erotic stories? If so, do you read them or write them? NO, they're so uncomfortable. Which accent/dialect sounds perfect to you? British. Which accent/dialect sounds horrible to you? I hate southern, yet here I am in the South. Which language sounds perfect to you? Latin. Which language sounds horrible to you? Idk off the top of my head. Do you have a favorite gaming platform? I'm a PS2 stan. What do you think is the most adorable thing in the whole world? Meerkat pups. What’s the most horrible thing in the whole world? Just one? Do you ever have to censor the things you say around certain people? Yes. Is there a cafe you go to regularly and the staff knows your “usual”? No. If your boy/girlfriend wanted to have a sex change, would you support them? No. *opens the gate for the onslaught of hate* Well, I suppose I should specify I wouldn't suddenly hate or even dislike them, I just wouldn't stay with them as a couple. Do you like the movies by Tim Burton? YEAH!!!! His style is everything. What do you think of cannibals? Ew. Did you ever have a Razor scooter? Yeah. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with? That I'm not godawful with kids when I totally am. How do you deal with criticism? I'm probably going to feel self-conscious and rejected to some degree no matter how gently you word it. Which national or global tragedy were you closest to and how did it affect you? 9/11, but I was too young to really understand. Do you think you’re smarter than the average person? If so, why? Definitely depends on the subject of focus. What was the last topic you did thorough research on? Why? Hmmm, thorough... I'm unsure. It may have been aaaall the way back when I was questioning something biblical. What was the last thing to upset you? Myself. What is an article of clothing you would never ever wear? A romper. Has anyone ever said that you’re delusional? If so, what for? No, but I absolutely and entirely was for a long, long time believing Jason still loved me somehow and that I could bring him back. Are you doing everything you can to make yourself happy? I sure as heeeeeeeeeell do a lot, but I could do more. What is a holiday, that is NOT celebrated in your country, that you would like to celebrate? *shrugs* Interesting question, I'm just not educated enough on this subject. Which nation’s culture (excl. your own) do you find the most interesting? Japan's. What is something you judge about other people? How they treat others. What do you consider to be childish? Being petty, own a child's temper, serious immaturity, etc.

[alldaydolan]

One Night (g.d.) - Pt. 1

Summary: it’s weird how spending one night with someone can completely change your outlook on that person...

Warnings: Cursing

Grayson’s POV

I heard a knock at my door, interrupting the game I was playing, making me more annoyed than the party that was going on down stairs. Normally I’d be attending and hanging out with my friends, but I just wasn't in the mood tonight,

“Wrong room!”

I yelled from my position on my bed, assuming it was another person trying to find a bathroom or another couple trying to find somewhere to make out

But the knocking continued

I paused my game and stomped across my dorm to go tell who was on the other of my door to fuck off

“I already told you.......Wha-”

“Listen Dolan.......I don’t want to hear any snarky remarks about this. Just shut up and take your clothes off.”

(Y/n) slurred as she came waltzing into my room, obviously drunk.

“Um what the hell are you talking about?”

“The offer you made me a few weeks ago, silly”

She must be referring to when I told her she was welcome in my room anytime if she wanted a good time away from that boyfriend of hers. 

Of course I was kidding.........well kinda.

(Y/n) was extremely hot, and there was no doubt I was attracted to her. But I kind of wanted more with her, instead of my usually.... lets say ‘flings’

She was intelligent, bright, kind......God the list could go on and on.

But I recently found out she had a boyfriend back home in North Carolina.

Maybe that’s the real reason I’m in my room on a Friday night instead of down stairs, but she’d never know that.

“How much have you had to drink?” I asked with a confused and concerned expression

“Um let’s see I had a shot, or two.....or 4. Then I couldn't resist the keg stand because don’t allllll college kids do it at least once? And I thought ‘What better night to get drunk annnnnd check something off my bucket list than the night my boyfriend breaks up with me?’ So yeah I might have had a little to drink.” she said laughing “But yeah know it’s good to stay hydrated!” 

“Wait what? Say that again”

“It’s good to stay hydrated”

“No....What happened with your boyfriend?”

“Ohhhh Austin? Yeah he broke up with me. Something about me going to school all the way across the country in California was ‘too hard’ for him.”

Her eyes were sad, even though she said the words so simply,

She was hurt, but she’d never let anyone know that. Yet still I noticed. 

That’s why she was here, in my room. Any other day she wouldn’t be caught dead with me alone.

“So I’m gonna need you to take my mind off him...” she attempted to seductively say has she looked me in the eyes and placed her pointer finger on my bare chest

“(y/n) you- you’re drunk and you’re hurt. I’m not taking advantage of you like that.”

“Fine. Then I’ll just go find someone else. I mean it’s a frat house, it’s not like there’s a shortage of horny teenage boys”

She was about to pass me and walk out the door when I stepped in front of her.

“I’m not letting you do that either, babe”

“You don’t have the authority to let me do anything, Dolan”

Even when she was drunk she was still her sassy self. 

“Could you not be so stubborn, for one time in your life?”

“Could you not be a such a douche, for one time in your life” she mocked me

I just rolled my eyes

We stood there in silence for a moment. While she pouted I tried to think of what to say next to get her to willing stay.

“(Y/n), it’s getting late, so why don’t you stay here tonight, with me?

“Fine. But I’m doing it because I’m tired, not because you told me too.” 

She made her way to my bed and I tossed her one of my t-shirts to change into.

She started stripping and before I could say something, she had my shirt on and was pulling back the covers on my bed to crawl into.

And damn did she look good

I shortly followed her into bed and she layed her head on my chest. I wrapped my arm around her small frame and started to fall asleep.

*the next morning*

(y/n) POV

I woke up to the bright light peeking through the blinds and a massive head ache. I reached for a pillow and quickly buried my head under it as a loud groan escaped my mouth.

I then heard a light laugh come from across the room and I mentally screamed.

Who in the world could that be? Wait, where even am I?

I peaked my head over the pillow to see who the laugh belonged too.

I opened my eyes and saw a shirtless Grayson.

I was relieved to know it wasn’t a kidnapper, but then another thought crossed my mind. Grayson must have noticed the look my eyes and began to speak up.

“Don’t worry we didn’t sleep together or anything” 

“Oh thank God” I sigh of relief leaving my mouth

“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t want to?”

“I would never.”

“That’s not what you said last night.....”

I throw a pillow at him in frustration, last night’s events slowly coming back to me

Grayson at this point was laughing hysterically 

Damn that laugh

“Here, drink this. It’ll help the hangover I know you have” he said while handing me an odd looking green smoothie, his laughter coming to an end

“Wow, who knew you could be so thoughtful?” I responded sarcastically

“And who knew someone could look so pretty the morning after spending most of the night on a keg stand?”

“That cheesy comment makes me want to throw up more than the keg stand it self” 

“Keep telling yourself that (y/l/n)” he said with a wink as he walked into the bathroom.

I just smiled and shook my head. He was always doing this, saying cheeky things. I would be lying if I said I didn’t like then, but he’d never know that.

I finished the rest of my smoothie and responded to the texts from my worried roommate. Grayson came out of the bathroom and pulled my attention from phone to him once again.

“You wanna go get breakfast? I’m starving.” 

After breakfast, Grayson drove me back to my dorm and we said our goodbyes.

As soon as I walked through my door my roommate and best friend, Taylor, immediately bombarded me with questions

“Tell me everything!!”

About a month had past, and Grayson and I started to spend more and more time together. 

We hung out about every night at his place, just watching TV or playing video games. We also had dinner together a few times, but nothing fancy. 

He was honestly starting to grow on me.

I learned more and more about him, and suddenly he wasn’t the jerk that I had originally made him out to be.

*3 months later - Spring Break*

“Why are you going home for spring break? Normal people try to get away from home.....some people even go to the beach. Oh and you know what? There’s a perfectly good beach about 20 minutes away, here in California.”

Grayson stated sarcastically, laying on my bed while I packed to go home for a week.

“Grayson, I’ve been away from home and my family for a while now.” I laughed as he pouted “And you don’t have to worry about me getting my beach time in, you know I pretty much live on the beach? Or do you just not listen when I talk about home?” 

I planned to leave Cali for spring break and return home to my small town of Wilmington, North Carolina. Most people think I'm crazy for leaving the beaches of CA for the ones in NC during the one week that college students get to do what they do best - which is party. 

The last time I went home was for the holidays, so I’m ready to see my family and be back in the familiarity of my humble town. Grayson wasn’t too happy about it though...

“Hey I listen to you!” Grayson whined, ”I just don’t like the idea of you leaving”

I went over to his position on the bed and sat down next to him

“You’ll see me in a week, so stop your whining” I laughed has he hit me with a pillow.

This quickly escalated into a full-on pillow fight and before I knew it i was on top of Grayson. And I finally managed to get his hands pinned beside his head.

“Do you give up?” I playfully teased him

“In your dreams, babe”

He then proceeded to flip me over so he was on top and I was one who was pinned. I couldn't say I minded though...

Our laughter had died down and now our faces were inches a part and we were both breathing deeply. Grayson started to move his face slowly towards mine and-

“IT’S SPRING BREAK BITCHES!”

Taylor screamed from the other side of the door

I heard Grayson sigh and roll his eyes in frustration as he climbed off of me.

I got up and opened the door to an overly energetic Taylor. She smiled before noticing my half empty suit case.

“(Y/n), why aren’t you packed yet?! Don’t you leave tomorrow morn- Hey Gabby can I borrow your blue halter top?” Taylor stated before she continued back down the hallway. 

“You think Taylor is excited about spring break?“ I sarcastically asked Grayson as I turned around. He was laying back on the bed with his arms behind his head, and damn did he look good. He laughed and I tried not to stare, but he made it very hard. 

“You’re drooling, (y/l/n)”

“Oh don’t flatter yourself, Dolan”

He laughed, and I just rolled my eyes and continued packing.

I finally finished packing, with no help from Grayson, and we decided to order Chinese food and watch movies back at his place.

I didn’t realize how late it was until I started to doze off, but at that point I was so tired that I didn’t care. So I shamelessly fell asleep with my head on Grayson’s shoulder.

Grayson’s POV

I kept thinking to myself that she was so effortlessly beautiful .

Then I started to replay in my mind how I almost kissed her today, and I couldn’t believe that she almost let me.

I had to somehow make her mine.

With that thought I couldn’t help but think back to the first night she spent with me. Who would have thought we’d be here now?

I was just about to fall asleep when I heard (y/n)’s phone ding.

I figured it was a text from Taylor, so I picked up the phone and read the message -

it was from Austin.

“I miss you, (y/n). I know I fucked up by letting you go, but hopefully you’ll give me another chance and we can work things out. Call me in the morning when you get this and I’ll see you tomorrow when you land. I love you”

PART TWO // PART THREE

[thisisnot-chris]

Where Life’s Taken Me

These past few years since my last year of college have been quite the roller-coaster ride. I never imagined it to turn out this way (so far). I look back and remember what I was like in high school; a shy, scared kid who wasn’t sure what to do in life and was afraid of criticism. I see what I’ve become 8 years later; an outgoing, adventure seeking, person who knows what he wants in life and isn’t bound by the fear of other’s opinions. College helped me realize what I wanted to do but part of me still felt held back by other people’s thoughts on what I was trying to do with my life during that time. My choices were too risky; no job security; why wasn’t it something “typical & traditional”. I ended up learning that was not me at all years later, and it wasn’t easy to come to terms with it throughout that time. In fact it all came together in the last 2-3 years. All I had to do was figure out things with myself and who I truly am. Those ideas and thoughts sat dormant in the back of my mind for a very long time but it took some unexpected events to occur which initiated that journey.

It started in December 2015. I was about to start an internship with a local booking agency that specialized in EDM shows; something I was beyond ecstatic about. I love EDM. I love music and everything about it; both artistically and business-wise. I wanted to share the amazing news with a number of my good friends at a Christmas party we had one Saturday nite, about 1 week before Christmas came. The party was a blast so far; drinking games, great music, and so many laughs. I shared the news with everyone there and it felt so satisfying to share a new experience coming my way with the people I cared about. Little did I know… I was about to get some news later on at the party.

I was in the basement and had to go use the bathroom upstairs. I made my way up and stepped into the kitchen where 3 of my friends were talking. One of them said 3 words that changed it all; “Chris is gay”. I uttered something back in confusion and all 3 heads turned towards me with looks on their faces that screamed “OH SHIT!...” One of my other friends pulls me into the living room while I’m still puzzled as all hell and begins to legitimately question if I was or not. I was PISSED, and I’m usually not one to get angry very easily. They had known me all these years and NOW I hear about this?! And the reasons as to why were so stereotypical; I wore pink clothes, I watched what I ate, I didn’t drink much, I talk differently, etc. How the fuck should those label me anything?!?! They started apologizing afterwards and said they shouldn’t have made bold conclusions like that. At that point I should’ve gotten over it. But I didn’t. It bothered me. REALLY badly. And it only worsened in the coming months and years.

Shortly after the new year, my internship didn’t turn into a full-term employment due to the manager’s business needs and schedule. I needed to find work in the time being so I could make money and move out of my family’s house and continue investing in what I wanted to do with music. That time off had that thought keep coming back to me. George Michael once said, “When someone questions your sexuality, you begin to question EVERYTHING!” That’s exactly what happened to me. I never dated a woman in my life; but that shouldn’t have meant anything. I had crushes on girls throughout the years. When I was a much bigger kid in middle and high school, I started wanting to lose weight and exercise. I would compare myself to other attractive and much more fit men, looking at them and saying “God, I really wish I looked like that.” I didn’t think that meant anything either, even though I still had thoughts like that after losing so much weight. I kept pushing it aside during this time. I even joked to myself about it; for some reason, I always remembered this line from a Ron White stand up special where he says “Guys, if you ever have a thought… let it go. Everyone’s a little gay.” That line made me think of the times my friends and I poked fun like that; I didn’t realize I was just fighting myself. That year’s summer and fall began some very serious talks with myself soon on.

During my job search leading into the summer, I had a good friend keep in contact with me over the search and how I was doing. I started hanging out and spending time with him more; video games, watching stand up, random shit, whatever it was. It was great. As it got warmer, I was invited out to bonfires and hung out with a bunch of guys he became acquainted with. I was relatively quiet around them but it was still fun hearing their conversations. I was glad I got to spend time like this with my friend. Then in the middle of July, I finally got a job for the time being at a financial institution. Soon after accepting that position, I was also invited on a camping trip up North with him and his buddies. I ended up arriving on a Friday afternoon at a lake while they were out on a friend’s boat; they were drinking beer, listening to music, games, you name it. I thought it was great he invited me and will always remember my time out there. After a couple hours, they wanted to head back to the campsite they were at but I had no clue where it was. He offered to direct me back. I got back in my car, and then he got in it, sitting in the passenger seat. I drove halfway there until a state patrol officer pulled us over. There was a festival that weekend so he was just checking for drunk drivers but he kept us there for a good 15-20 minutes for whatever reason. We sat there for a while, trying to see what he was doing. But I wasn’t looking at the officer that whole time. I couldn’t help but look at my friend and I didn’t understand why. There he was next to me. Slightly buzzed. Wearing a hat from a foreign country. Shirtless. That was the moment there that something seemed different to me. What the hell was going on???

After that ordeal, we made it to the site and got ready for the festival. It ended up getting rained on and they got a crappy replacement band instead of the one they’ve gotten before. Their specialty ‘Summer Hummer” drinks were cheap though so it was a win in the end. We then headed back and had a fire for a bit til’ the rain got heavier and we all huddled under a canopy. I stayed in one of the guys’ tents that nite but had so much trouble sleeping because I kept thinking about that moment my friend and I got pulled over. Why couldn’t I help but look at him like that?... The next morning, we all packed up to leave but he wanted to stay and hike the area and asked me to. I wanted to say yes but that moment in the car yesterday scared me from doing so. I said I was gonna head back home instead. The questioning continued on the drive home. The nights after when I went to bed. Throughout the day during my new job. We still hung out since that and the questions kept growing on me. Why? Why was I looking at him like that??? Within that next month, what I considered to be the scariest thought I ever had ended up revealing itself to me… I think I was starting to have feelings for him.

That thought began to mess with me even worse than the initial questioning. I never thought things like this before; why now?? The coming September furthered this. There was a nite we went out and one of his friend’s questioned my sexuality. Pissed me off again. But I still had thoughts and they scared me more. I never knew anyone who was gay at this point and I wasn’t sure on my friends and immediate family’s thoughts on homosexuality. Then, one of my current best friends that was rooming with him at the time was planning on moving to California in October. My friend I started to have feelings for… offered me to move in. Living with someone you have feelings for… how the hell could this be a good idea?... My head couldn’t take it anymore. It started to affect me negatively from here on. 

Jumping to October 29th, 2016, around the time my best friend moved to Cali, my “crush” and a couple other people went out to a bar for a Halloween party. On the ride back after the party, there was an argument on who the hottest woman was there. I was asked on my opinion. I never paid attention to any there and lied saying, “the blonde one”. Believe it not, there were no blonde women there that nite… We make it to his house, I use the bathroom, and come out to hear my two friends, one I’ve known since elementary school and the one I had feelings for, uttering to each other if I was gay. I had it at this point. I leaned against some cabinets, slid to the floor, and told them, “Guys… I’m not sure what I am.” I was scared out of my fucking mind. But they were ok with it. They didn’t care. It didn’t make a difference. That was a slight sigh of relief but I was “playing the bi-card” at this time. I could be interested in women too I thought back then. But I had feelings for my friend at this time… a man.

It wasn’t even 2 weeks later that my feelings were bothering me even more so; I felt the need to tell my good friend how I felt. Another friend of ours had a post-Halloween party at his place on November 5th, 2016 (“remember, remember, the 5th of November” has new meaning for me now); it was fun at first but the cops shut it down due to noise complaints. Still bothered, I then texted him at 1:00AM asking him where he was. He was on his way back home. I waited for him til 2:00AM when we arrived back to talk to him. I initially stated I started having feelings for someone we know and didn’t know what to do. He knew I was going to say it was him but kept asking who. I started to hold back myself from saying it was him. I was fucking crying for god sake. But I said it then. I liked him. And I couldn’t take it back. He then said his side of the matter; he appreciated me telling him, was flattered, but did not feel the same back. He did not feel that way about men. It didn’t change anything between us which shocked me. But I still didn’t know what to do. Did I simply just let it go? I unfortunately didn’t and it caused a major problem later on. I had more feelings for him after that talk. It wasn’t right. But I felt I lied to myself if I let it go.

January 2017 came around and I told my best friend in Cali about my questioning; he was ok with it and stated his support. I even told one of my friends that questioned me the nite of that Christmas party. I thought he out of all my friends would have the BIGGEST problem with it; but he didn’t. He hugged me and opened up much more about himself to me than I expected. He even suggested I talk to this woman we knew; little did I know she would end up helping me so much and becoming one of my best friends after we had dinner one nite. Oh, that major problem I mentioned? It began during the end of that month. Some friends and I were over at my “crush’s” place. My feelings were troubling me so much that nite. I ended up being a bit… “upfront” with him later that nite. How stupid could’ve I fucking been...

After that, he didn’t want to talk to me for awhile. He treated me differently. He distanced himself and when I look back on it, I can’t blame him. The feelings diminished away as they should’ve initially. I couldn’t believe I did this to a good friend. I crossed a line. I was not ok with myself. I felt like I was slipping into some phase of depression that screwed up my work performance, affected my job security, and made me feel everything was falling apart. Friends were breaking up and taking sides on different things. My one best friend moved to Cali and I thought I’d never see him again. I ended up telling more people that were close in my life about my questioning, including my parents, and everyone was ok with it. But I still struggled. I began to feel who I was was wrong. Being a man and having feelings for men was wrong.  I was still having AND causing problems. I even caused trust issues with more friends I care so much about and diminished those relationships significantly. I felt that I couldn’t take life anymore… I wanted to give up and leave everything behind… I tried to twice…

…

But I didn’t give up. I kept moving forward in dealing with this and figuring things out. The girl I mentioned who is one of my best friends now? She introduced me to so many new people that shared their experiences and opinions on things I never thought I’d hear about. She invited me to visit so many places that summer of 2017. From Sturgeon Bay, to Milwaukee, to Eagle River, to the Dells, to frickin’ Toronto, Canada for a big convention. I even went to Pasadena, California to visit my best friend that moved there and went to the Warner Bros Studios, downtown LA, and even saw the Hollywood Sign. I saw so much, did so much, and made so many memories. During that time, away from the typical things I dealt with back at home, it gave me answers to so many questions I had. That time even helped one of my other best friends in the area and coming to terms with her sexuality. But it answered one big one and I had an answer for myself soon enough; I am gay.

Since then, I’ve continued to meet new people, explore new places, and taken new opportunities that help me reach goals I’ve made for myself and what I want to do in my life. If I never came to terms with myself, I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed life as much as I do now. I never would’ve met so many amazing people. I never would’ve started playing shows again or getting a creative spark for music making again or even starting up a side business. It’s still a bumpy road, but isn’t it for everyone? You got to move forward, challenge yourself, and continue learning. That’s what life seems to be about to me. And I’m glad I see that now.

I’m sure most of the people closest to me have heard this story before so they can figure out who is who, but names shouldn’t be a defining factor here. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the amazing friends and family I have. My parents; even though some initial concern was shared, their love never changed. My brother; 8 years younger than me and so much more open minded than I ever was when I was his age. My friends I’ve known throughout middle and high school; I’m glad that we still hang out, talk, keep in touch, even with all the problems I caused. My friends I’ve made during and after college; I appreciate everything you guys have shared with me and every chance we get to see each other is something I value highly. My friend who was my “turning point”; I know things can never be the same like before but it’s good to know it’s much better than before. My 3 closest friends; if I never met any of you, I never would’ve came to terms with myself. Now I know who I am. I’m an EDM-loving, music making, goal oriented, cartoon & meme-mimicking, ambitious man that loves taking on a new adventure every chance he can get his hands on and won’t let life’s obstacles hold him back (who happens to be gay). I am who I am and I haven’t felt the need to hide it for the past year now. Thank you all for the impact you’ve made on me.

Let’s see where life takes me next   :)

[sturlsons]

How do you do it? How do you stay so motivated and keep...going at life? Sometimes i get that motivation/urge to go out there and work towards my goals but it always disappears in a couple of days, sometimes maybe the same day

so my commute to uni takes like, 20 minutes right? add 10 minutes for me to walk to the tram station, and 5 to walk to class. 35 minutes from my door to my classroom door. 20 minutes, let’s say, to shower (i usually shower at night so in the morning i just like, throw warm water on myself and scrub my face) and get ready (i try to lay my outfit out the night before so that i don’t stand aimlessly in my towel trying to figure out what to wear and if my crush on my rhetoric professor is strong enough to warrant THAT sweater). 55 minutes, let’s say an hour to be safe. if i have class at eight, i can afford to get up at seven, and in emergencies i can get all of the above done in 40 minutes (throw on jeans and a sweater over whatever top i slept in and slather on some lipstick bc i can’t leave the house without lipstick).

which is, you know, a sweeter deal than a lot of people have. i have friends who need to take the train from strassy b’s surrounding towns to come to uni, i also have friends who go to the gym before coming to class. me, i live across the city from uni but i can still wake up just an hour before class. 

my alarm is set for an hour and a half before class though. now don’t get me wrong, i’m not one of those people who needs a million alarms set 4 minutes apart because i’m a chronic snoozer. a five-second ring of one alarm is enough for me to shoot up in bed movie protagonist style (or like, not do that if my octopus boyfriend is wrapped around me so that i don’t break his nose) and even roll out of it immediately given the situation (exams, parties in case it’s an afternoon nap, travel, appointments). 

however, it’s the other 80% of the time that’s the problem. i got class at eight, my alarm rings at six-thirty. from six-thirty to seven i’m lying in bed, trying to - no points for guessing - “motivate” myself. but guess what? i’m already motivated. i know in my head what i need to do to achieve what i want, and i have that burning desire to do it, i unironically watch this every week. i’m like, FUCK. LET’S DO IT. LET’S DO EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE. CLEAN THE HOUSE (negative: it’s always clean and i’m not only neat/clean in general, but also a stress cleaner, so when i’m stressed i get more stressed when i see that my apartment is already in top condition. so i grab a toothbrush and start microcleaning. welcome to my twisted mind and hard-water-stain-free taps) BUY A STATEMENT PIECE START LOOKING FOR INTERNSHIPS SOMEHOW FAST-FORWARD ALL MY FRIENDSHIPS UNTIL WE’RE IN STABLE JOBS AND STILL HANGING OUT TOGETHER IN BIGGER APARTMENTS WITH BETTER BOOZE LET’S WRITE THOSE FICS (lol) AND FINALLY CLEAR MY BACKLOG OF ARTICLES I’VE BEEN WANTING TO READ SINCE LITERALLY 2015 LET’S MEMORISE THE ENTIRE SEMESTER’S VOCAB IN ONE GO LET’S START WAKING UP AT 5 AM LIKE ROBIN SHARMA TOLD ME TO AND MAKE A SCHEDULE SO THAT I USE FACE MASKS REGULARLY AND SEE MY SKIN GLOW AND DRINK TWO LITERS OF WATER A DAY NEVER FORGET MY MEDS (lol) REDO MY BUDGET TO BUY HEALTHIER THINGS DONATE THE CLOTHES I PULLED OUT OF MY WARDROBE LAST WEEK TELL MY BOYFRIEND I LOVE HIM BUT WE’RE NOT GETTING A DOG BECAUSE I CAN’T STAND THE DOG SMELL, LET’S GET EDUCATED AND BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM EPIGENETICS TO ETHNOLINGUISTICS. LET’S DO IT ALL, RIGHT NOW.

then my six-thirty alarm rings. and i open my eyes, and i don’t need to ask myself questions from point zero. i don’t need to ask do i really want to do all that? because i know i do. what i have to ask myself every day is those things i want to do, which are worth the effort i have to make - do i have it in me to make that effort every day?

you can’t do everything all at once anon. it’s the most frustrating lesson i’ve had to learn. motivation makes you want to do everything all the time forever. it’s like my best friend in cali, who snorts a line of coke after a party so that he can clean the house. motivation is gonna make you jump out of bed and spend fifteen minutes making an Upbeat Playlist which can then play in the background while you do your dishes, clean your bathroom, organise your wardrobe - and then collapse on the floor. unfuckyourhabitat is one of my favourite blogs on the internet, and they have something very important to say about this. 

you can’t do everything all at once. if you want to clean the house you’ll have to evaluate what needs cleaning, then see if you have supplies, acquire them if you don’t, and make a plan if everything’s a mess. if you want to buy a statement piece you’ll have to go through your wardrobe and see what you need, go through your budget and see what you can afford, go through online catalogues and see what you like, then clear some time so you can go out and get it - or more time if you want to browse. looking for internships - don’t even get me started. fast-forwarding friendships? sometimes the temptation of jumping ten years into the future and seeing if i’m still friends with the people i love today, seeing if i’m still with the person i’m with today, reaching that part of life where everything has become habit and dinner is with wine and there’s a fireplace in the living room - it’s so strong that the thought of having to live through those years to get there is excruciating. what do you mean i’ll have to live ten years, day for day, and slowly, painstakingly get there? what do you mean friendships don’t calcify in one day and i can’t decide today that that one friend i love is now my confidante and official best friend and we’ll do everything together? what do you mean you have to do everything together to get to a point where doing everything together is a habit. are u fucking kidding me. 

i get it, right? all the things i listed up there - face masks, water, 5 AM, success, progress. they’re not one-liners on a to-do list. they’re concepts and they require something more than motivation.

you know, even rumi has something to say about this. first of all, i digress, but rumi has something to say about EVERYTHING and i really hate when people assume he’s some kind of over the top abstract vague philosopher. bro rumi was practical as fuck? he talked about sex and friendship and hangovers and life as we know it, so bizarrely immortal that it applies these centuries later.

rumi says: submit to a daily practice. your loyalty to that is a ring on the door. keep knocking, and the joy inside will eventually open a window and look out to see who’s there. 

rumi also says: this windy mountaintop trough is ours. it sustains and protects, and you do not arrive here by just straining your neck to look at the mountain. you must start out and continue on.

but here’s my favourite thing that rumi says: it doesn’t matter that you’ve broken your vow a thousand times. still come, and yet again, come.

those things up there - Upbeat Playlist Number 29, buy-a-blender-make-frozen-smoothie-packs-stop-going-to-mcdonald’s-so-much, my-boyfriend-said-i-can’t-stop-him-from-buying-me-flowers - require more than motivation. 

coming back to my six-thirty alarm. do i have it in me to make this effort every day? i want to do something with my life but this bed is warm, i’m tired, and it’s cold outside. it’s going to be a long, long, long day. do i have it in me to make this effort? i know i have the desire to make this effort, so why is it so difficult? why do i have to wake up half an hour in advance to negotiate with myself and coddle myself into actually getting out of bed and moving to meet my day?

motivation is 20% anon. the other 80% is sheer fucking discipline. say it out loud to yourself: D I S C I P L I N E. it’s not motivation that makes me live my life - sure, motivation starts the fire and i won’t lie, i have a lot of it, almost inexhaustible supply except for when it suddenly burns out on me without a warning.

which is why we need discipline. motivation can quit on you anytime - discipline won’t. motivation is i want to ace this english class, it’s easy as balls, i can do it. discipline is well, this english class i want to ace is at 8 AM and i’m not going to miss a single one. you don’t need to convince yourself of your life goals every morning - you just need to train yourself into fucking getting out of bed. submit to a daily practice, because you’re not going to achieve everything all at once. you’ll have to live every single day until you get there, and it’s a constant process, and when you have that process down pat, it’s the journey itself that’ll be rewarding. no need for instant gratification through sudden unexplained achievement of goals - your gratification is seeing your kilometer count stack up steadily, that odd “wow, you’re glowing these days!” from an aunt, the realisation that you chop salad so much faster now out of habit. wake up in the morning (feeling like p diddy) and take your fucking half-hour if you need it, but at the end of that half-hour, roll the fuck out of bed and give yourself finger guns in the bathroom mirror.

it’s not about motivation. i frankly don’t care if your motivation runs out in two days, or one day, or the fifteen minutes it took you to make your Upbeat Playlist Number 29. boo fucking hoo, anon. that’s how fickle motivation is. it ran out while you were looking for that one elvis song. so what’s going to make you clean your house anyway? not motivation, that’s for sure, motivation’s fuckin peaced out man. you don’t care about those dishes anymore, you’ll do them when you get back from uni (you won’t, you’ll order sushi and sit at your table). 

you know what isn’t fickle? discipline. it’s discipline that’s going to make you clean your house. it’s discipline that’s going to make you wake up at 5 AM even if you’ve kind of failed four days in a row. keep knocking. keep working. still come, and yet again, come. you haven’t failed if you started trying to wake up at 5 AM last month and you did it maybe four times. you fail the day you turn that alarm off and give up on the concept. 

motivation provides you with concepts - discipline provides you with the means to nurture those concepts. motivation is a high-resolution photograph of a beautiful oil painting. that’s all it is. discipline is the hour you put aside every day to sit at your easel and make it real.

today i want you to look for your willpower and gather your paintbrushes.

[papermoth-bird-blog]

San Francisco: The setting sun.

Early morning in San Francisco, might be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. Especially in the quite of the Sunset district, which is the more “boring” part of town in which a lot of immigrant families have settled. The houses, though more simple in decoration than the Haight-Ashbury district, are still painted in all sorts of beautiful colours- many of them pastel tones; pinks, baby blues, pale greens & yellows. Walking in the empty streets of the region alone in the warm reflection of the houses has to be a version of heaven. At the very least, it would be an excellent location for a Sophia Coppola film- or girl gaze photo shoot (looking at you Ali).

My friend Asa’s friend Carolina lives in the sunshine district & that’s where I ended up staying on my second night in San Fran. The area has plenty of Chinese restaurants- that I wish I could say I went to, but alas, I didn’t. Apparently it’s some of the best Chinese food outside of China. I’ll have to make a point of going next time I’m in San Fran.

When I awoke at the hostel, I moved pretty quickly- packing everything away & hurrying down to get breakfast. Honestly, I loved the hostel & would be totally keen to stay there again. It’s the right amount of people, so you can be as social or as lonesome that you’d like without it being weird. It also just generally has good vibes. Plus the breakfast was included- so you know I tried to eat a days worth of food all in the morning to save monies. Although it is in the Tenderloin- which is where all the homeless people got pushed into when aggressive gentrification came and swept the city. After breakfast, I decided to check my bags there & pick them up later since I was already downtown. I left the building without even glancing at a map- happy to exploring in the way of getting terribly & wonderfully lost. Over the course of this trip I’ve become so comfortable & confident in doing so. I think part of my previous distress with the city is being inherently nervous there- so many people, so much to pay attention to in order to navigate it properly/safely. In working through my personal anxiety, I’ve also been able to inadvertently mend my relationship with cities themselves. That being said- I think I still have a country heart & will always crave place that don’t require shoes. Spending time in cities has been really good for me in a way I didn’t expect. I am happy for it.

I wandered through much of the city- first starting off conservatively in the flatter neighbourhoods; the mission, the Castro. Kluane said one of the things I must do is visit the Tartarine Bakery- one of her favourites in the entire world. By happy coincidence I stumbled upon it during my wandering. The line up was around the block- so you know it had to be good. Like everything in Sa Fran, it was a little expensive- but I got some small little bits in a box & took it with me to eat in a near by park. My favourite little bit was the raspberry meringue with cacao nibs. SOOO good. Not too sweet, wild texture. In the line, I heard some pretty funny conversations that showed the heart of San Francisco. The lady in front of me spoke loudly about the tenants of Eastern European Clowning. Others spoke about the odd theatre projects they hoped to get off the ground somehow. There was died hair & texture & wild patterns in the get-ups. I was starting to feel really good about it all.

After I finished eating (& drinking my Komboucha—which I promptly sent a review of to Ryan) I wandered over to Ashbury Heights.  Hands down this is the most famous part of San Francisco. Complete with colourful “painted lady” Victorians, winding hills & people wearing outfits straight out of the late 60s. Haight street is the main hub of the area. I have to say, Haight probably has some of the best vintage stores I’ve ever been to. I’m not gonna lie.. In one store (that was gathered like a library of vintage, sorted by year) I had tears gathering in my eyes. The clothing there were each individual works of art. I spent a good chunk of time studying the hats stacked high to the ceiling, and then the beaded gowns from the 20’s. Again, all these things inspiring so many ideas for future themed parties & White Rabbit. I don’t have much room in my pack (or money for that matter), but I couldn’t leave without buying some beautiful silk scarves- so I could play the part of 50s femme fatale. I also found some really beautiful old postcards from San Fran, which I added to my collection.

The area is also home to some really fun cafes & great record shops. I partially wished I could have spent more time there, but I was craving the park. I wandered over to Golden Gate park which was near by. As I basked in the sun, looking at the fresh tree blossoms, I heard bongo drums carrying over the wind. In those moments, I felt the echoe of the 60s in such a real way. I picked some pear blossoms & stuck them in my hair, nestled under by new blue silk scarf & found a low twisted tree to settle into. I sat in the tree for what felt like forever, looking out over the hills towards the Spanish church steeples & the Golden Gate bridge peeking out over the city haze. I breathed deeply, basking in my peaceful lonesome thoughts. It felt so good to be my myself again. I thought of friends & home, and what it would take to make me feel more grounded there going forward. I feel so much more prepared to be steadfast in what I wanted in my life, the things I would no longer tolerate because they would not allow me to live in the peace I crave. I learned a lot about that through my inner turmoil in the Gopala situation. I talked to my friend Stephanie (who had just been in San Fran a few months back). We talked about the beautiful Botanical gardens in the park, but also exchanged some brief life updates.

Not long after that, as I wove on down the path from the hilltop of Beuno Vista park, the sole of my shoe (on my favourite fringe-toes boots) fell off. So I hobbled along with my sole flopping around like cartoon character. Despite my slight distress over the situation, I still had some stuff I wanted to do, so I continued wandering- albeit at a more manageable pace for my failing footwear.

I got myself back over to the mission area in search of a burrito. For some reason, there seemed to be a lot of pumpkins about- sat out on front porches of the colourful houses. Don’t know entirely what that was about- maybe its pumpkin season insanely early in Cali (doesn’t entirely seem sensicle to me), maybe they thrive in the zeitgeist of Halloween?? Anyways, I found the section that is the capital of burritoville. I chose taqueria Cancun- both because it’s supposed to be one of the best & I am heading to Cancun too.. so might as well get prepped. Despite it being massive, I ate the burrito in about two minutes. I have to say- it has got to be one of the best burritos I’ve ever had & I mean that. Pure & simple & perfect little baby sized wrap. After I polished off that baby off, I stumbled over to get my pack from the hostel.

In a series of unfortunate mis-understandings, I accidentally took an uber over to perhaps the sketchiest parts of the whole Bay area. Two hours later though, I found myself at Carolina’s in the quiet of the Sunset district- ready to crash on that basment couch. I had some quick conversations with the roommates- queer artist types- and then went to bed.

I woke in the early morning, before anyone else in the house. I went to the downtown area to a place called Mel’s diner to meet an old friend I knew in High School. My partial motivation for this, was to get more content for my friend’s diner instagram account. Seeing Monica was so nice. We were not particularly close in high school, but took all four years of visual arts together. She’s been living in California on and off for the last 5 years or so. Originally she was living in the mountains of Santa Cruz & found a really lovely community out there. Eventually, San Francisco lured her in. She told me of the awesome non-profit she first worked for, but eventually the astounding living costs forced her into the tech sector. She enjoys her job at a video game company, but after studying art history & global development, I think her heart still craves work in that area. We talked about how San Francisco’s tech boom is making it impossible for artists to stay here, creating work. Most of them have been pushed out to Oakland, but even Oakland is seeing such rapid gentrification, it is making it quite difficult for artists to stay- let alone continue to show their work. The same is happening in many other west coast art hubs like Portland & Seattle. Of course, once the artists leave, San Francisco will die in the ways it was. Which is terribly sad- confirming it is no longer the city of love it once was in decades past. For the moment, there are still glimpses of it though, and I hope to be back while it still exists in this manner.  It was nice seeing Monica & see her doing so well now, even though she will likely soon have to leave San Francisco too. She definitely inspired me to go back to Santa Cruz for longer next time- there are some cool land projects & anarchist communities out there she thought I’d really jive with. She also told me about some cool farms in Big Sur. I can’t wait to get back there with my sisters. Monica was bullied in High school and it makes me so happy & relieved knowing that she found peace and acceptance away from Toronto. Giving me added hope for love & harmony around the world.

I walked Monica to work (she often has to work 7 days a week to make enough hours to get by- which is insane to her too). After that, I wandered by myself again- as it is my very favourite activity. I walked along the piers- that is to say for a few hours. I slowly made my way towards the golden gate bridge. I eventually got to the park just past the maritime museum in the fisherman’s warf. It was there that I got a message from my best friend Kluane. “Is it okay if I call you” she said. Of course, we often try and chat on the phone, but I had a feeling in that moment it was something important. I crossed my arms & called her in Winnipeg. She picked up right away & hurried into it. It echoed a call I had with my father last fall. She asked me if it was a good time to hear some difficult news. I mean I was in public, but once hearing that sentence it’s hard to delay hearing it anyways. Plus, I heard in her tone she needed to talk about something really important too.

----------------------------------------------------------

Danielle Moore.

As I looked out over the Golden Gate Bridge, Klu gently let me know that our friend Danielle Moore was on a flight heading to Kenya for a UN conference. She continued that the plane had gone down & there had been no survivors. I could hear the shock in her voice still. I didn’t even really notice that I had started crying. After a relatively short chat, we hung up the phone & agreed to talk soon. I spent the next half hour crying in that park alone- trying my best not to full out sob loudly- I don’t know how effective I was in that effort.

I met Danielle in university. In second year we had been nextdoor neighbours- living in twin houses Victorian houses. Due to the fact that they looked exactly the same, we our separate friend group inadvertently often waltzed right into the other’s apartments. Once, Danielle’s partner so far as walked into my roommate’s room, only then realizing he was in the wrong place. During warmer months, both of our house hold would spend days drawing in chalk on the sidewalks outside & strumming ukelele’s & doing crafts. We went to eachother’s house parties. A year or so later, we found our paths crossing even more often, trading often on BUNZ & finding ourselves at a lot of the same events. Danielle had some of the most brilliant optimism & energy I’d ever witnessed. She tirelessly worked towards making the world a better place- widely diversifying her causes. She was honestly so inspiring & hands down one of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. I know a lot of people say that about people that have passed away. I can’t emphasize how true it was; Is. If Danielle was still here, the same things would still be said. I am in a state of absolute shock. I know the wider community is too.

As Klu said, it just seems so wholly unfair, that something so horrible would happen like that- especially to Danielle. There is no making sense of it. Kluane & Danielle had become really close over the last year- as they had both been living in Winnipeg. When Leon, Klu’s brother was to visit after Klu returned to Winnipeg (after meeting us in Mexico), they had made plans to go skating all together. My heartbreaks for her in such a really way too. She’s been doing her very best to honour Danielle in anyway she can & has been spearheading a ritual for all of Danielle’s loved ones across the world. I am doing my best to support that goal, despite my physical distance.

After my good public sob-fest, I called my sister on the phone to tell her. I decided to by my ticket back to LA there & then. I wanted to be around someone I knew, even just to be there quietly next to them. Having family near-ish felt like a good option for me. I soon texted Mia that I would be coming back earlier than expected.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I still owed Gopala money from our roadtrip up the coast. I met up with him & tried my best to be brief. He told me he had been worried about me. I told him I was sorry, but that I had really needed to be alone for the past day & had purposely not been looking at my phone. I also briefly mentioned the news I had just learned about Danielle. He said some swift thing like “Well remember what Krishna told Arjuna, when Arjuna expressed his fear of his friends dying”. The thing is I knew. I still know. I haven’t lost that picture. I have better tools now, and do not feel the urge to fall apart like I did when my cousin died (although even then I managed not to). Ellie’s death was perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life. And I am surviving that. It has prepared me for so much, including Danielle’s horrible death. I kinda wanted to smack him… just a little. Okay, maybe just pinch him a little. I just feel huge resentments towards people who speak to me like I am being some overdramatic-woman-type creature. As if being upset at my friend’s death was an overreaction of some sort (I had resolved my composure at this point).  As if I was some person that needed to be lulled back into a rational state of mind. In fact, I think I am quite good at that- the key being that I allow myself to fully feel my feelings through a purge of emotion. I guess it’s not my buisness what other people’s opinions of me are. Their opinions are only a reflection of their own inner psyche. So, I learned in that moment not to give single shit about what he thought & do whatever I needed to do to feel okay.

Danielle wasn’t in my everyday anymore, though, I suppose she had been for a few years. I cannot imagine the heart pain of the people that were so deeply intertwined with hers. For Kluane who did have her in her everyday. For her partner Colby, who had had her in his everyday for so so so many years at this point. I have such fond memories of Colby & Danielle doing goofy sung duets- Colby occasionally pulling out his Kermit the frog puppet. They had hosted countless potlucks gathering the community throughout university & beyond. My heartaches for her family. How absolutely horrible & out of the blue. She had flown so many times- travelling all around the country with her job. There is just no making sense of it, even though I am still trying for some reason.

I got myself to the bus stop & climbed onto the bus feeling partially numb. I did a pretty good job of not crying- though I still welled up with tears on a semi-regular basis, trying not to freak out the girl that was sitting next to me. I checked in on Klu, who went ahead with performing in her Hip-Hop dance recital- which I am so unbelievably proud of her for. Katie told me that yesterday, a letter arrived for Klu from Danielle. From what I know, the letter contained fairly ordinary, but non-the-less lovely thoughts & dreams. I can’t imagine what getting a letter like that would be like. I do remember how scared I was went they first found Katie’s tumour though. How precious it was to have time to process all of it. With Danielle’s passing, there was non of it.

I got into LA & after a rather fumbly uber ride, I found myself on the couch of my uncles house yet again. In the morning, Tom woke me up & asked if I wanted to do yoga on the  beach with Mia & him. Of course I said yes. I feel more grounded now that I have the tools do deal with all these emotional difficulties. But I can’t help have my mind wander over to thoughts of Danielle quite often.

So too, were my thoughts wandering over to the imminent flight I too was supposed to be boarding in order to travel to Mexico. Mia & Tom were both flying out the following day too- and we tried to keep our fear to the minimal, by not talking about it too much.

We were gentle with out last day in LA. We rode those uber scooter’s back and forth between Venice Beach and Santa Monica. I’m glad I finally got to find them- they are so fun. More importantly that gave me that same wholly free feeling I had in riding that rusty old bike around New Orleans. I had a rush of realization with how much I loved LA. Venice Beach in particular. I have such gratitude for the laid back warmth this area provides. It was like a really soft cushion to fall onto after a challenging week.

We ate at swinger’s diner & talked about family dynamics, Danielle & Ellie & about what we would all do in Toronto when we got there. Of course, my thoughts flickered to the fact that that meant more plane rides. I had only extremely recently become completely comfortable with planes after all this time. My flights are already booked though, and I am determined not to have fear steal my wanderlust. Anyways, I miss my sisters. And seeing them means going to Europe.

I caught up with some friends while I walked around Venice beach by myself later that day. Stopping to look at the deep fried oreos that were calling out my name, until I decided to ignore them. I hung out with Tom & Caroline in the apartment for the rest of that evening, as Eric & Mia went out for dinner just the two of them. I passed out on the couch a little cookie drunk. We had been watching Christopher Robin (after it became very clear that Blood Diamond was WAY too violent for me these days). Of course normally I would have been sure to pack my bag meticulously the night before, but in my altered state I chose to fall asleep instead. I resolved to wake early & do it then, meaning I knida rushed it, packing in the dim morning light of Mia’s still darkended bedroom. Tom Left early, then it was me, then Mia left an hour later- all at differet terminals, so I guess it didn’t really matter we weren’t able to hang at the airport together.

In my haste, I forgot to take my grohman pocket knife out of my purse…which I only realized as they searched my bag. The lady at TSA looked at me like I had done it on purpose & was an absolute criminal. She noted it down on my record. I cried. Honestly because that knife meant to much to me & was one of my prized pocessions. I reminded myself there was more important things in the world & that I could always eventually get a new one. But I continued crying a bit anyways- my thoughts drifting along other paths. Danielle. The coming plane ride. My knife. My frustration with myself. But mostly it became about the plane.

After that incident, I pretty well ran through the airport to make the flight, so there wasn’t that much to think afterall. When I got onto the aircraft I forbaid myself from thinking any bad thoughts. “not in here” I repeated internally. I closed my eyes once I was settles & chooed the thoughts out of my brain. Repeating my mantra over and over and over. Somewhere in there I came back into awareness enough to fill out my immigration form.

When I landed in Cancun I was exhausted & downed a whole bag on banana chips out of frustration. I took the bus into Playa del Carmen where Katie was waiting for me. The humidity here struck me immediately. Especially seeing as I had a huge pack & was still wearing my jeans- which seemed wholly reasonable in California, but ridiculous here. Seeing Katie felt unreal. When I saw her face, it was like I came into realization that I was really there- that I had survived my flight & I could enjoy the next couple weeks with my friends.

Katie had offered to stay on the phone with my as I boarded. I was relieved I didn’t need that, although I was grateful for the offer. The past few days we have been scheming ways of supporting Klu on her journey here. Not only is she sure to be exhausted, I understand the fear she is experiencing in getting on the plane. Anything we can do to help her, Katie & I are determined to carry out.

For right now, for me, that looks like doing some of the footwork of contacting some of the organizations Danielle was a part of to inform them of the ritual. And also check on Klu and do my best to support her in these moments- though I know she’s thrown herself fully into planning (which she thrives in anyways). I don’t know what support will look like here in Mexico, but we will have to play it by ear. We will only be able to tell when it happens. All I know is that during a time like this, it’ll be so nice to have some of my best friends all together again.

[lexlairlove-blog]

Yo Soy Americana

20-Year-Old Girl Speaks on Living in the U.S. Illegally

Laura was born in Colombia 20 years ago. At age 5, she got a Visa to come to America, to live a better life than where she was in Colombia.

Colombia can be known as one of the worst countries in Latin America, which is why so many people leave to come to America. There are many illegal activities that take place, including drugs, theft, and murders.

“Me and my mom needed a better life than what we had in Colombia,” Laura States. “She didn’t want to raise me in such a terrible place, so she did what she had to do.”

Laura was born in Cali Colombia in 1998. Although it is not as colorful and diverse as Colombia’s capital Bogota, it is still the third highest populated city in Colombia, with over 2 million people living there.

Laura’s mother, Martha, knew from the moment that she was pregnant that she did not want to raise her daughter in such terrible living conditions, although it is where she was born and raised, and she turned out perfectly fine. Laura’s father did not want anything to do with Laura or her mother, leaving them on their own.

“I didn’t want Laura seeing the things that I saw, the things I have experienced,” her mother states. “I knew somehow, someway we needed to leave.”

Martha decided to start the Visa process and was granted 2 years to come and visit the United States. Her and Laura packed as much as they could and made their way to America to live what they thought would be the “American Dream.”

Laura states she does not remember much from when she moved to America at the age of 5. She does remember however, coming here with barely anything and leaving many of their belongings behind.

The mother and daughter flew into Alabama where Martha’s sister lived, raising her 2 children with her white husband. It was stated that she married a white man to stay in the United States.

Martha got a job in a local clinic, where she made enough money to come to New York 2 years later, here is where Laura’s life really began, as she was now living in the United States Illegally.

“I didn’t understand the whole legal and illegal thing until I was about 13 and my mom explained it to me,” Laura states. “She explained she did it, so we can have a better life since we only had each other.”

Living life was not always easy for Laura, considering she constantly had to walk on eggshells, to protect her and her mother’s safety. She could not get sick or hurt enough to end up in a hospital otherwise people would find out, she was not able to get her license, she could not attend college, and much more.  

Once Donald Trump became president and stated he wanted all illegal immigrants out of the country is when Laura and her mother really started to worry. They did not know what could possibly happen to them next.

Laura did speak about one time when her and her boyfriend got pulled over by a cop, and she did think she was going to be kicked out of the country. The two were pulled over for speeding, and when the cop asked to see Laura’s ID, he speculated something was up.

He pulled Laura out of the car and made her sit with her hands behind her back and pretended to make a phone call to ICE. The whole thing was to scare Laura, but it will haunt her for the rest of her life.

“I was so scared for her that night, I don’t know what I would have done,” says her boyfriend. “I don’t know what I would have done if I were to lose her.”

Laura lives every day in fear, wondering if ICE will one day will come into her off the books job looking for her. However, she continues to live her life the best she can, knowing it can soon come to an end.

“I just hope that one day, I can live a normal life where I don’t have to literally be scared for my life,” Laura states. 

[livelist]

Get to know me

Tagged by: @bloodied-fists-and-broken-dreams thanks love we have some similar responses I like u Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. LAST: 1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: I facetimed my friend Jordyn last week 3. Text Message: My dad 4. Song you listened to: Baby Blue - Tor Miller. Actually v good I listened to it over and over but it makes my heart hurt 5. Time you cried: A few days ago, packing for NY HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: No, but I wanted to date someone I had dated in 7th grade again for a while 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes! Every time! (twice) 8. Been cheated on: Nope 9. Lost someone special: Of course 10. Been depressed: Extremely 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nah LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: 12-14. Yellow, orange, grey IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes!!! 16. Fallen out of love: No 17. Laughed until you cried: Yes, lots 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I was gonna say no of course not but then remembered I actually did and it was awful 19. Found out who your friends are: Yeah, I mean, don't we all once school ends and we aren't required to see anyone anymore? 20. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nooo GENERAL: 21. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them. In fact, I unfriend people if they're not really in my life anymore because I like facebook to be filled with the people I care about 22. Do you have any pets: Yes, smol pup named Cali who just turned eight!! 23. Do you want to change your name: Yes, a lot, but I'm worried people will be confused and I don't know what I'd change it to yet 24. What did you do for your last birthday: Um...nothing 25. What time do you wake up: Usually around 9, but it depends 26. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping! Usually I'm not asleep then, but I'm in New York with my mom and trying to avoid spending time with her 27. Name something you can’t wait for: Seeing my friends again 28. When was the last time you saw your mum: Half a second ago 29. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I had more self-control 30. What are you listening to right now: Nothing 31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Once? 32. Something that is getting on your nerves: My mom's temper 33. Mole/s: Quite a few tiny ones down my arms 34. Mark/s: Birth mark on my left upper thigh/butt and scars on my hands and feet 35. Childhood dream: I wanted to be an actress and musician and performer and teacher and be happy happy happy forever 36. Hair colour: Natural brown but I reeeeeally wanna dye it! I can't decide what color! 37. Long or short hair: Short, but I want it shorter 38. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes very much so 39. What do you like about yourself: I! Am! A! Great! Friend! (shouting it might help me believe it) 40. Piercings: Double piercings on ears but the second holes have closed 41. Blood type: No idea!!! I'm sad about it cause I can't look into the personality meanings behind them (ridiculous, but fun) 42. Nicknames: No nicknames :( 43. Relationship status: Single and afraid of relationships yoooo 44. Zodiac: Aries 45. Pronouns: She/her or they/them (not that I've told anyone those pronouns would also be good) 46. Favourite TV show: Honestly huge fan of cartoons - my faves are Steven Universe and Adventure Time. I also love Brooklyn Nine-Nine 47. Right or left handed: Right 48. Surgery: No and it's one of my biggest fears 49. Hair dyed a different colour: I tried ombre years ago but decided I wanted it suuuper light on the ends and it was horrible so I cut it off that same day 50. Sport: No sports. 51. Vacation: ? What does this mean? I am currently on vacation in New York if that's what this question is asking but have mentioned this fact like three times already 52. Pair of trainers: Oh I love converse but also I've got these white ones with green detailing I love as well MORE GENERAL: 53. Eating: Nothing now but just came back from an Indian place that was yum 54. Drinking: Nothing 55. I’m about to: Respond to Jordyn's snapchat 56. Want: Hugs 57. Get married: Depends, but I'd be happy to never get married 58. Career: Student now, but would love to do theatre or teach voice lessons or something 59. Hugs or kisses: Hugs hugs hugs hugs (but also like please don't hug me unless we are best friends) 60. Lips or eyes: Eyes 61. Shorter or taller: ?? Who cares 62. Older or younger: Just close in age is enough for me 63. Nice arms or nice stomach: Uh? Idk I think those things are usually nice already 64. Sensitive or loud: More sensitive than loud. People who are too loud can make me nervous 65. Hook up or relationship: I'm partial to a relationship, especially since I'm asexual and hooking up isn't something I'm particularly drawn to... 66. Troublemaker or hesitant: Probably troublemaker since I'm hesitant and it could be difficult if we were the same HAVE YOU EVER: 67. Kissed a stranger: Yes. Would not recommend. 68. Drank hard liquor: No 69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I think I lost the glasses I was prescribed 2 years ago that didn't work and I stopped wearing 70. Turned someone down: Yes 71. Sex on the first date: No but I'm not against it generally. Just not for me for many reasons. 72. Broken someone’s heart: For sure 73. Had your heart broken: Oh yes 74. Been arrested: No 75. Cried when someone died: No? I think not 76. Fallen for a friend: SO MUCH mostly cause I don't understand how you can fall in love without being friends? DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. Yourself: Um? Mostly yes? 78. Miracles: Not really 79: Love at first sight: Not love per se, but I have experienced instant attraction 80. Santa Claus: Um. No. 81. Kiss on the fist date: Like why not but also I am AFRAID of that level of physicality but a l s o I'd probably only go on a date with someone I was already close to and trusted a lot so let's say it depends and move on OTHER: 82. Current best friend name: Jordyn and Khadija - my best friends tie for first unless they wanna fight over it 83: Eye colour: Blue 84: Favourite movie: Her Tagging: I AM TOO STRESSED IDK WHO TO TAG sorry if you see this though and wanna do it feel free! You can say I tagged you!

[madpicks]

New Post has been published on https://www.madpicks.com/sports/nba/nets-honored-biggie-smalls-unparalleled-legacy-brooklyn/

The Nets honored Biggie Smalls' unparalleled legacy in Brooklyn

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Take a ride through the streets of New York’s greatest borough and you’ll stumble upon some of the world’s best street art and brick wall murals. At least one of them will be dedicated to the late, great Biggie Smalls.

Biggie is revered as the greatest rapper to ever grace a microphone. His lyrics take you on his journey from moving drugs through the streets of Brooklyn at age 12 to his rise atop the rap game’s food chain, teasing the spoils of his success as each side story in-between.

It was a tale that resonated with everyone growing up in Brooklyn during his era.

“He was a culture,” said Knicks forward Lance Thomas, who grew up in Brooklyn before playing high school basketball in New Jersey. “Growing up in New York, obviously I’m a fan, and I got a chance pay my respects to him and his family for all the things that happened to him. So that was special.”

You probably know Biggie for hits like “Juicy,” “Big Poppa,” and “Going Back to Cali.” You might have heard “10 Crack Commandments” and “I Got a Story to Tell.” If you’re from the West Coast, you probably know him as the subject of Tupac’s “Hit Em Up.”

Having been born in Fort Greene and living in BedStuy most of my life, I’ve heard them all.

But I was just 4 years old when Biggie was killed in a drive-by shooting in Los Angeles in 1997, a moment that ripped the soul out of a community built around his remarkable success story. When he made it, everyone made it. When he got shot, the four bullets ricocheted off every brownstone building into each corner store, basketball court, sidewalk, and stoop in Brooklyn, piercing the populace’s collective hearts along the way.

I was barely old enough to understand the concept of death, let alone the gravity of what his death meant to my city. While my older brother tried his hardest to force me into listening to Biggie’s albums, I wanted to play video games and run around with my friends.

I always knew why Biggie was the greatest rapper of all time. I was just too young to fully appreciate what he meant to me.

That changed when the Brooklyn Nets honored him Sunday on the 20th anniversary of his death.

Nicole Sweet-USA TODAY Sports Wayne Barrow, Voletta Wallace, and Sean “Diddy” Combs sit courtside at the Nets’ “Biggie Night.”

You could tell this night would be different during pregame warmups.

Old-school hip-hop beats reverberated throughout the arena. Biggie’s trademark Timberland boots and COOGI sweaters flooded the Barclays Center sidelines. The distinct aroma of Hennessy wafted about the crowd — V.S. or Privilege? My nose needs refining.

It was what you’d expect a ‘90s party to look and feel like.

Surprisingly, Voletta Wallace had no part in planning the 20th anniversary of her son’s passing. In the two decades that followed Biggie’s tragic shooting, Wallace hadn’t seen one of his murals until last November, nor had she ever been to an NBA game until Sunday night. She merely showed up with her family at the Nets’ request.

“This is very, very surreal. Very surreal,” Wallace told SB Nation. “Had he been alive, he would have been elated.”

It’s safe to say the Barclays Center did her son right:

The Nets just permanently hung a No. 72 jersey from the rafters dedicated to Biggie Smalls. pic.twitter.com/rPyqam8J2E

— Kristian Winfield (@Krisplashed) March 12, 2017

The team raised a No. 72 jersey to the rafters in honor of Biggie’s birth year. It hangs next to Jay-Z’s, another Brooklyn hip-hop legend who sold out eight concerts at the arena’s inception in 2012. It’s no coincidence the two now hover side by side.

The courtside row was packed with hip-hop celebrities, including Diddy, Ice Cube, and Lil’ Kim. Faith Evans, the mother of Biggie’s two children, was in attendance. Brooklyn boxer Danny Jacobs also sat courtside, taking a moment to pay homage before his upcoming middleweight championship fight against the undefeated Gennady “GGG” Golovkin.

Every in-game break featured a different Biggie classic, the Brooklynettes dance team moving accordingly.

Diddy moved the crowd with his halftime speech, calling for 10 seconds of “Brooklyn noise” rather than a moment of silence:

Diddy just demanded 10 seconds of Brooklyn noise instead of a moment of silence for the 20th anniversary of Biggie’s death. pic.twitter.com/dwhRfSEnsC

— Kristian Winfield (@Krisplashed) March 13, 2017

It was a celebration of the 24 years Biggie graced the earth, not a mourning of a soul taken far too soon.

Given the occasion and requisite entertainment, it was easy to forget a basketball game was underway.

Brook Lopez reminded everyone in the first quarter by joining Buck Williams as the only Nets players to score 10,000 points in franchise history. Carmelo Anthony also joined the club shortly. After two buckets in the first quarter, Anthony notched his 10,000th point in a Knicks jersey. He’d finish with 27 points, including 12 in the fourth quarter.

But his output wasn’t nearly enough, given the following circumstance:

Puffy staring at Carmelo and nodding in approval after every shot is my favorite part of this game.

— Stefan Bondy (@SBondyNYDN) March 13, 2017

As it turns out, Biggie was a huge New Jersey Nets fan, his mother told SB Nation. He would have been no older than 5 when Julius Erving led the Nets to their second ABA championship in 1976.

And he was probably smiling down on the Nets Sunday during their impressive performance against a demoralized Knicks team. Brooklyn had lost 16 straight home games until beating the Knicks, 120-112. The Nets singed New York from deep, nailing 19 of their 38 three-point shots.

“Biggie Smalls was definitely in full effect in Brooklyn tonight,” Anthony said when asked about his team’s poor defensive effort. “The spirit was here tonight.”

Photo by Scott Gries/Getty Images A wax figure of Christopher ‘Biggie Smalls’ Wallace on display at its debut at Madame Tussauds in Times Square.

It was just a few months ago I decided to pick up a Biggie album and listen all the way through — something my brother had wanted me to do for years. I consider my music palate much more refined now than a decade ago. Polluting my ears with trap music in college likely delayed that process.

My album of choice: Life After Death, the posthumous project released two weeks after his passing.

It was the album in which Biggie, in all his glorious braggadocio, expertly detailed how he weaseled his way out of getting caught sleeping with the wife of an unknown Knicks player, in a track rightfully named “I Got a Story to Tell.”

It was the album in which he dropped “Somebody’s Got to Die,” one of the greatest works of storytelling in the history of hip-hop music. And it was the project that featured “I’m Going Back to Cali,” a song he recorded ahead of the fatal trip he took to record the music video for “Hypnotize.”

Biggie is known as the most untouchable storyteller of all time, but that’s not what his mother wants you to know. She doesn’t want you to know he dealt drugs as a teenager.

For Wallace, her son was much more than what he did for a living.

“All I can say is here is this young man who brought so much love to a community, to a people. That is just enormous,” she told SB Nation. “I’m a mother. Christopher was my son. And to see all the love, I’m just deeply touched. Very, very touched by it.”

As I leave Barclays Center, I re-listen to Life After Death. There’s a Biggie mural just a block off the route to my bus. I’ll take the detour.

When I get home, I’ll talk with my brother about all the Biggie I ingested on the way there. Then in the morning, I call my mother, just to let her know how much I love her.

See, Biggie wasn’t just a rapper. He wasn’t just a drug dealer turned hip-hop mogul. He was, as Lance Thomas said, “a culture.” A culture I hadn’t appreciated enough growing up. Now, thanks to the Nets, he’s immortal, with his jersey cascading from the rafters in Brooklyn.

He was immortal, though, long before the Nets decided to honor him 20 years after his passing.

I didn’t know. Now I know.