#I said that Robin's podcast had me feeling some type of way

[steviesbicrisis]

Sometimes, Robin disappears.

Steve doesn’t know where she goes nor can tell how long she’s gonna be gone, usually she’s away just for a couple of hours and comes back acting like everything is fine.

It doesn’t scare Steve any less.

He knows she doesn’t do it to mess with him, and despite being attached to the hip since Starcourt there’s still a lot they don’t know about with each other.

When she’s gone, Steve’s mind those a whole 360 on every possible scenario: when his mind is good to him, she’s hanging out with imaginary way-cooler-than-Steve friends, who don’t know of his existence because Robin is embarrassed by him, which leaves him with a sting of jealousy until he hears back from her; when it’s a little less kind, he imagines her being attacked by Russians, or abducted by an Upside down creature, or both. She usually comes back before he leaves everything to jump in his car and frantically look for her.

The thing is, Robin acts like everything is fine and Steve doesn’t know how to approach it. She’s fine before, she’s fine after, and he doesn’t know where he stands. He doesn’t know if this attachment for Robin is okay or if it’s going to scare her away, so he lets her set the rules and he follows the best he can, trying not to die of worry in the meantime.

One day, Robin doesn’t go to school.

He comes to pick her up at the usual time but she isn’t on her porch steps, ready to scold him for being late. He rings the doorbell but no one answers, her parents are often out early in the morning and she doesn’t have any siblings, so he guesses she might have gone to school without him.

He drives to school and stands near the entrance, trying to spot her while planning how to make her feel guilty for not giving him any heads-up on the change of plans.

She’s nowhere to be found.

He drives to the streets nearby, then to the library and the park, no trace of her anywhere.

He goes to work telling himself she’s probably fine, she must’ve overslept or she was already in class or she had early band practice. It doesn’t calm his mind even a little bit. Because it's not like Robin to skip school, she has never done this before, or at least since Steve has known her. Before his mind spirals again thinking that he doesn’t even know his best friend, he decides to focus on work and look for her after, hoping she will call in the meantime to let him know she wasn’t eaten alive by a Demogorgon.

At 5:01 PM he’s out of the store and ready to search every corner of the town until he finds Robin.

He’s driving on the road coasting Lovers Lake when he notices Robin’s bike. Steve’s heart beats fast as he abruptly gets out of the road and parks next to it.

The bike is parked in perfect conditions so Steve feels safe enough to exclude a Will Byers situation and ventures into the coastline to look for her.

He notices her before she can: Robin is sitting cross-legged on an old bench, heavy book in her hands, looking very relaxed and completely out of danger.

Steve’s worry quickly turns into anger.

“Are you insane?” He asks when he’s close enough to be heard.

Robin winces, she was too immersed in her book to notice anyone coming near. She looks surprised to see him there “What are you doing here, dingus?”

“What am I doing here? What are you doing here!” Steve retorts, hands on his hips.

Robin recognizes the scolding-children pose and doesn’t like it “I am clearly reading and enjoying the nice weather, or at least I was until you came to bother me!”

“Oh, now I am bothering you? So sorry to interrupt your getaway because I thought you were dead!”

Robin slams her book closed “Are you serious? I was just taking a break, I needed alone time!”

“Take all the breaks you want but at least give me a fucking heads up so I know I don’t have to look for you around town like a maniac” he gestures at the area where he parked her car, his voice getting louder.

“I really don’t understand where this is coming from, I’ve been coming here to read for years, and no one as ever-“

“Well, maybe that’s because you didn’t have a best friend who worried about you!”

Steve regrets it as soon as he says it. Robin looks stunned, she opens and closes her mouth several times, then looks away.

After a minute of heavy silence between them, Steve approaches the bench and sits next to her, looking at the lake.

“I’m sorry,” they say at the same time.

“I shouldn’t have said that” Steve continues “I was worried but that is my problem and you don’t have to tell me anything.”

“No, you’re right” she shakes her head “I’m not used to having people worried about me. My parents are great but they don’t really question where I go every day and…” she glances at Steve quickly, then looks down at her book again “I’m not used to friends caring like that either.”

Never in a million years Steve would’ve guessed that one day he would’ve related so much to Robin Buckley.

“Why do you leave?” He dares to ask.

“I just need it sometimes. Everything gets too loud, there’s too much going on and I feel… overwhelmed” she explains.

Steve doesn't understand that, he has felt overwhelmed before but he would never leave or ask for space from people close to him. Sometimes, he misses Tommy and Carol just because they barely gave him any space. But it seems something important to Robin, so he nods.

"so, school was too much today?"

"no, I mean yes, but no" she groans, frustrated "It's just that- school is fine and I have my quiet places but... I had a nightmare. This wasn’t the first time since Starcourt but it was the most terrifying I had."

Steve doesn't say anything, and Robin grows more embarrassed by the minute. She's ready to tell him to forget about it when she feels Steve's hand taking hers and intertwining their fingers.

She remembers back on the Starcourt's roof, when she got scared shitless and her hand immediately found Steve's. She was still scared but comforted by the idea that Steve was with her.

Steve is looking the opposite way from where she's sitting on his left, so she can't see his face when he speaks "I have them too. Just tell me next time instead of giving me more nightmares material."

"Uh sure" she manages to say. She's not used to getting this sappy with Steve, or anyone else for that matter.

She squeezes his hand "so, is part of the Harrington charm to get all smushy?"

Steve squeezes back "fuck off! My art of charming is so much more than that!"

"Oh really, please do tell, I am so ready to take notes on how to woo all the ladies!"

"First of all: Hair."

Steve goes into a detailed list of things Robin should mind more ("I could do your hair" "never in a million years, dingus") and Robin groans and rolls her eyes at most of his points ("I so dress better than you" "you wear suspenders, Buckley. Unironically").

They keep holding hands the whole time.

[ambroseandmox]

Personal stuff under the cut.

So February is always a bad month. Anniversary of some deaths and my dad going to jail; weather here is typically cold and the days are short so I struggle. But March picked up, things were OK, and suddenly I got a new hyperfixation.

That usually happens when my brain goes bad.

Anyway, the Batman hyperfixation kicked in (I've been reading batman off and on my whole life, but I haven't collected comics since I stopped working at a bookstore) and I started getting anxiety attacks. All the time. Work, home. Didn't matter. Some fanfic descriptions also trigger it but I have no idea why. (There’s a Jason Todd-centric one called Something in the Static, I think, which is a non-Robin Jason Lives AU, sounds fantastic, I have it open in a tab,and As soon as I look at it I start shaking. No fucking clue.) I was thinking maybe this is trauma from growing up in a home with an emotionally and verbally abusive dad leaking out by proxy, but if I haven't read the story yet, how come it's hitting like that? Either way, trust me to have an awful, uncontrollable hyperfixation that also presses on all my sharp edges until my psyche bleeds. Very on brand.

Another sign of bad brain is that I started getting fanfic ideas and also the urge to actually write. I haven't written a fic in over 5 years. And I've never written more than 9,000 words.

Except my current story is well over 30K words in only a couple weeks.

I've had some periods of gender dysphoria in the past, but it's been over 5 years since the last bout of really distressing feelings. And they're back now. And more insistent than ever. I've started buying some clothing to try and alleviate it. I also have body dysmorphia, and that's a longstanding issue, and they're feeding into each other. If I wasn't convinced I'd look fatter, I would be booking a haircut for the weekend because I can't look at myself any more. Not that I ever really did, but even reflections in elevators are uncomfortable.

I used fitbit so I can see where the endless anxiety kicked in (April 4). My resting heart rate has spiked up by 7 points and my sleep has dropped to under 4 hours a night. I'm struggling to eat, let alone eat healthily.

I have rolling anxiety attacks all day long, but I can breathe through them. But the only thing I want to do is read fanfic and scroll tumblr, so I've been doing that while on the clock at work and I can't stop. Very fucking poor coping mechanisms that will come back to bite me in the ass and I know it and I can't stop. It does help with the anxiety because the brain shuts off whatever is churning in it. I've tried listening to music and it makes it worse. Podcasts actually seem to work the way a tumblr scroll does but then I risk typing what im hearing and that's also not great.

Anyway, I'm an absolute hot mess right now. I don't have anyone I can vent to about this in real life so I'm putting it here. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow night, and I think im going to talk about the gender stuff... I feel like that's probably what's percolating the most because it's the least safe topic for me to talk about. But that's also terrifying for me.

Im married to someone who I've never discussed these feelings with. I've never said the words out loud. And it's beyond scary to contemplate. I don't know what I'm going to do.

[caitlinsfandomthoughts]

Watching Star Trek TOS For the First Time! Season 1 Reaction

I’ve been a TNG, DS9 and Voyager fan for maybe 10 years but had never watched TOS until I decided that I would. And then I realised I couldn’t live with the possibility of the internet not being able to know my incoherent rambling reactions if it so desired. Most of these were written the day after I saw them but with the early ones it was later so sorry if I don’t remember your favourite.

Season 1:

The Cage: Be still my beating heart why must number 1 leave the show? Why?! Imagine a world in which Majel Barrett got to continue to be her in the Star Trek universe instead of Lwuxana (sorry I don’t love her) and Nurse Chapel. She’s so beautiful I love her. And she gets to where pants and be the second in command. While the episode for sure has sexist moments it does seem like there was more of an actual effort to present to future as having gender equality. When you compare this to the ultra mini skirted version of the actual show, it does feel like executives went through it to make it more marketable. It’s been noted by others that she is quite similar to what Spock’s character became: the cold, logical one, while Spock smiles in this episode. While I ended up loving Spock I still would’ve loved to see a woman in that kind of role, especially in the 60s. Although I’m not sure she would’ve been treated that well.

So Vina can’t like, get medical treatment from Starfleet doctors who know how to put a human body together? No? We’re just gonna leave her there? She’s too ugly? She’s better off living in a fantasy world where she’s pretty? Ok then…

The Man Trap: I don’t even really remember this one so I’d have to rewatch it.

Charlie X: Charlie sees women and becomes an incel, Kirk has to try and teach him not to be. This is a decent goal that somehow culminates in a space boxing match. Kirk loses his shirt. Sexual tension is presumably resolved. Uhura sings.

Where No Man Has Gone Before: The pants are back. Man becomes some kind of god and Kirk beats him up if I remember correctly.

The Naked Time: This is where The Naked Now comes from. This one was less sexual, which is probably a good thing, and less drunk, which is too bad cause I love drunk Crusher and Picard trying to focus on work while their brains won’t brain. Highly relatable mood. This one is where the immortal line “sorry, neither” comes from, spoken by Uhura in response to Sulu calling her a “fair maiden.” According to the internet that was an ad lib and I so hope that’s true cause it’s amazing. Also according to Spock Sulu is a “swashbuckler at heart” which is cool and all but I wish we got to find that out by him actually being a character that we know the personality of rather than a background diversity guy who gets to say a couple of lines sometimes. Also each to their own but shirtless Sulu is infinitely more attractive than shirtless Kirk.

The Enemy Within: Bad. Women at Warp podcast said it best, it’s bad because they say the evil Kirk is still Kirk and is needed for him to be a good captain/person. This could’ve been ok if he didn’t do something so irredeemable, or they could’ve not had him be defined as a true and necessary part of Kirk, but you can’t have both and sell it as an ok message. Rand not being able to look at ‘good’ Kirk after really makes it feel real, her acting in general makes it feel too real.

Mudd’s Women: Women take beauty pills that make them have makeup on and men find them too ugly to marry without them even though they are still beautiful. Also said women were kinda slaves but don’t worry about it! *hand waves*

What Are Little Girls Made Off: I don’t know what the title has to do with the episode. This is the episode where Nurse Chapel is introduced even though she was in a previous episode. And she’s taken more seriously than I thought she would be. Kirk gets an android version of himself made by a guy who he already doesn’t trust and doesn’t predict that maybe that’s not a good idea. Apparently to make an android all you need to do is put one person and one dummy on a giant plate and spin them around real fast. If only the guy who wanted to take apart Data in Measure of a Man knew.

Miri: Problematic. I think the crush angle could’ve worked if it was one sided, but Kirk played into it and it was creepy, and you know, also manipulative, assuming Kirk doesn’t actually feel the same way and is using it to get her to help them. That’s my more charitable interpretation anyway. Also McCoy doesn’t know how vaccines work. Also this episode doesn’t know what puberty is, or rather when it starts. If the virus is supposed to get to you then, that starts round the preteen age. Miri is older than that even though she’s not an adult.

Dagger of the Mind: This was the first one where I was starting to quite like it and it was feeling a little more like Star Trek to me (I know this is the first Star Trek but there’s a certain way 80s/90s era Star Trek feels to me). I really liked the beginning where it was setting up this whole maybe prisoners become violent because of how the prison treats them thing and that it was challenging the viewpoints of some of the main characters, although McCoy was already team prisons are bad and I love him for that. It then went more into the lobotomising asylum type story which was still ok. The guy turned out to be a doctor rather than a prisoner which I didn’t like cause I wanted the prisoners to be humanised. Although you could’ve done a “see anyone, even ‘innocent’ non criminals can be turned violent with this treatment” but they didn’t really emphasise that.

The Corbomite Maneuver: I don’t remember this. Kirk playing poker with some alien I think. Edit: I’m been informed this is the one where the alien turns out to be a lollypop guild kid lip-syncing to an adult’s voice, which I do remember, and probably thought it was some kind of sleep-deprived fever dream.

The Menagerie Part 1 & 2:  I laughed so much when they wheeled Pike out and I finally got the Futurama reference in Where No Fan Has Gone Before. I mean I obviously knew the whole thing was a Star Trek Reference, but I had never seen that specific imagery before and now the joke makes sense! Also Pike wanting to go back there seems kinda wrong. I mean they say he’s a vegetable mentally I think but he doesn’t seem to be? I can kinda get that he’s got more incentive to be there than Vina who could probably be helped by Federation doctors but also, he hated that place and spent the whole episode trying to get out of it and it doesn’t feel like a fitting ending for him.

The Conscious of the King: And here begins Star Trek’s love affair with Shakespeare. The only thing I have to say really is, if I didn’t mishear something… a father and daughter played Macbeth and Lady Macbeth? A married couple. And no-one thought that was weird? She was the daughter of a dictator though so there was an Ivanka Trump vibe.

Balance of Terror: Romulans. Spock wasn’t sure that they were related to Vulcans till this ep, though he suspected it. How far back did they split for it to be unknown? I like that the Romulans were sympathetic and we had scenes with them just in their ship from their perspective, and they had some conflicting views with each other. And I really like how Spock was suspected as a spy cause racism and of course he wasn’t and saved that guy cause he’s the better person. That said I found this episode pretty boring and I don’t know why. I kinda wish it turned into a witchhunt situation and was more about the racism on the Enterprise, kinda like The Drumhead from TNG.

Shore leave: Wtf was this episode?! And I don’t ask that because the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland showed up, or that it was a random holodeck planet episode, that’s fine. When the White Rabbit appeared I was just like, ok it’s going to be one of those episodes, that’s fine. Holodeck episodes are fun, I don’t even mind a random magic alien or two appearing for no reason to wreak havoc, say by making everyone larp as Robin Hood, that’s all Star Trek, that’s Star Trek doing a Star Trek, what I didn’t like is this episode goes nowhere! McCoy sees the White Rabbit, we’re off to a good start, Sulu “Swashbuckler at Heart” sees an old gun that he geeks out on, cool. Kirk sees some woman of course. Also there’s some guy fending off a tiger. Random female guest star of the week rather than letting Uhura be part of the story gets her uniform torn by some guy. Then she imagines a princess dress and if that were me as soon as I realised I could think things into existence I would just imagine all my dream clothes. Kirk imagines an old student friend who is attempting very hard to be Irish (thank you Colm Meany for saving us from this).

Anyway so the planets a holodeck cool. And I’m like, Spock should beam down, I wanna know what he’ll see, this is where the episode could get interesting. And then it happens, but nothing happens, they don’t even make much of a deal of him not seeing anything. But then I thought what if! What if Spock didn’t beam down and this was another imagination?! What if he was some alien with some ulterior motive OR better than that we get to see Spock as imagined by whoever was thinking of him. You could go down a very fanfic road if it were Kirk’s imagined or desired view of him, or maybe you could show different people’s perceptions and then they still suspect he’s not acting like himself even though it’s how they see him, but its not quite right, cause it’s not actually how he is. Or at least I thought they were going to find out what was going on. But NOPE none of that happens. Instead leprechaun guy shows up again and Kirk just wonders off to fight him for the next fucking millennium! The uniforms they wore at the academy seem like they were made out of better quality material than that of a Starfleet captain’s. Poor Kirk must be having to replicate new uniforms every other day. Then they laugh I think, and sexual tension is presumably resolved. Then the aliens show up and are like yeah this planet is a holodeck we thought you’d like it also McCoy died but he didn’t and I’m like THEY DIDN’T CONSENT TO THIS. But then they decide to party.

It reminded me of a Red Dwarf episode called Better Than Life where they knowingly go into a virtual reality game which is basically the same as this planet. But over time Rimmer keeps sabotaging what he imagines cause he hates himself so much his brain won’t let him have nice things. And it’s still a comedy, but there’s an opportunity for exploring the character’s psyche with this setup that wasn’t done here and that made it boring.

The Galileo Seven: This episode was good!! In contrast to the last one it delivered on promises it made, it had a satisfying ending, it’s probably my favourite so far. The whole time I was like this should be about how Spock can be wrong and logic isn’t everything to be a good commander. But given the quality of the previous episodes wasn’t that great and Spock was always right about everything I didn’t trust them to do that. BUT I WAS WRONG. I thought it would be about how just because you don’t have emotions doesn’t mean you can disregard those of the crew. But instead it was about how he couldn’t predict their enemy wouldn’t act based on emotion rather than logic. And then he admitted he was wrong and helped the guy bury the other guy, and then they were about to die and McCoy was like at least I’ve lived to hear Spock say he fucked up. And then Spock jettisoned the fuel so that it might act like a flare but it gave them less time and I was like no you’ve learned nothing! Don’t just do things that severe without asking your crew. But then after they were saved it was described as an act of desperation rather than anything logical and Kirk was like that’s an emotion isn’t it? You acted on emotion? And Spock was like well yes but I’m not gonna say it like that.

I like that emotion was good actually. I think it’s a fine balance between the message of its ok to be different and using Spock as an analogy for racism, and inadvertently neurodiversity, but also not buying into the idea that emotions = weakness and lack of emotion, or emotional repression = objectivity. Even if you don’t factor emotion into your decisions (which would be impossible unless you don’t experience emotions at all) it doesn’t mean that you don’t have personal biases in your perspective. So I’m glad Spock was wrong for once.

The Squire of Gothos: This is Q this is Proto-Q. He does all the same things that Q does; he shows up in clothes that are way out of date (and he thinks they’re from 900 years ago when they’re clearly early 19th century) and he flirts with the captain. Oh and he has powers, maybe they were computer powers, but not all? And he goes on about humans being brutal, warmongering people but he’s kinda into it. He fights Kirk but there was actual tension so it wasn’t annoying like the one with the Irish guy. And then it turns out he was just a kid exactly like the Futurama episode, except he is a kid not 35. I think him being a kid makes the flirting seem weird though.

Arena: Kirk and the Gorn at Tanagra. Kirk fights a lizard because aliens wanted to encourage them to not fight by telling them to fight. I thought maybe these lizards could be proto Cardassians but then I thought they can’t be they don’t talk, but then he spoke so I thought they could be, but then he was the one who was invaded and was only defending his people so I thought they couldn’t be, unless that was actually just lies and justifications in which case they definitely would be, but then that would undermine the message of the episode so I guess not. I wonder how many leaders have killed each other before these alien’s negotiation tactic actually worked.

Tomorrow is Yesterday: This was fun. There were a lot of twists and turns. I wonder if it was before or after the moonlanding. Every plan just makes it worse and more and more people keep getting exposed to the future. Kirk could’ve easily just closed the door and beamed back at the end but instead opts to punch like six people. (I think this is where “a woman?” “Crewman.” Comes from).

Court Martial: What if Kirk actually did it though? Would that be more interesting? Maybe. At least here he has an age appropriate love interest. She’s prosecuting against him which is surely a conflict of interest. AND she has a uniform with a longer skirt! And it actually looks good, like it looks like an actual dress that she can sit down in and it still looks like a dress and not a crumpled up shirt. It’s elegant but it’s still short. I could see this being an option (for any gender) as a dress uniform but it would still make no sense when they’re serving on a ship.

Return of the Archons: I am LIVING for Spock in a medieval style hood. It’s giving me Peter Cook in a Mother Superior’s wimple in Bedazzled vibe, it’s not quite on that level of beauty, but it’s close. For some reason Sulu returned from the planet in 18th century gear but then everyone else is dressed like it’s the 19th century, with some medieval robes thrown in, and this annoys me more than it should. Maybe it’s because he’s a swashbuckler at heart. Apparently they had a completely peaceful society except for the nightly purge they seemed to have going on that is never mentioned again.

Space Seed: KHHANN! I liked this a lot until the end. I want to know the lore behind Data’s Dad having his middle and last name. Edit: Actually only the middle name is the same and the last name is just similar. I still think there’s lore there (excuse the pun), probably he’s a descendent of his cult followers or something. The story seemed to be eugenics bad and also the type of guy to basically be a eugenics cult leader would be super manipulative and abusive but just charming enough in a relationship. It does a pretty good job of showing the abuse in his relationship with the historian woman, how he switches between being loving and I guess charming, and flattering to being abusive and degrading. I wish that the historian woman could find someone that she can explore domination and submission with consensually cause that seems like it would be what she really wants. Anyway but in the end they just let him go? Like he tried to take over the ship but they were like here have a colony. They compared the place to Australia when the colonists arrived at Botany Bay and that it could be... I forget what the word was but basically ‘civilised’ and No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP RIGHT THERE NO Australia was already populated and didn’t need eugenicist cult leaders who were demonstrably bad to show up make it ‘better.’ AND THEN the historian is given the choice to go with them and she does and its framed like it’s good? Or at least ok? When they just did a pretty decent job of showing how abusive and manipulative he was and she had redeemed herself by turning against him? So I get that they probably wanted to bring him back although they’re probably not gonna bring her back, but they could’ve easily had him escape instead.

A Taste of Armageddon: Suicide machines. I forget the rest.

This Side of Paradise: SEX POLLEN! Well it’s more fall in love pollen, I guess, for one character. There’s a woman and there’s the music and the soft focus and BUT WAIT then the camera cuts to Spock not Kirk! Because she has taste. It’s about this point that I think the ‘Spock’s the most popular but Shatner wants to remain the star so we’ll emphasise their character’s relationship thus inadvertently inventing slash fic’ might’ve started. It’s time for a love triangle! She makes Spock get the sex pollen, which is not getting consent, and then he falls in love with her and is climbing trees and is all happy. Kirk can’t get a text back from Spock. Then Kirk and two others get the pollen except Kirk didn’t, but he did, but anyway I thought everyone would be horny but they weren’t they were just brainwashed. Soon Kirk is all alone on the bridge, then he gets the pollen and is happy to live as a poly triad but then he gets angry and it’s gone. Then he calls Spock to the ship and approaches the situation in the only way Kirk knows how: Homoerotic punching! So they fight for not long enough and then Spock is cured but he’s a little sad, there’s sadness in his voice, it’s not quite so matter of fact. Then Spock’s gf gets sad and the sex pollen is gone too, Spock might still have feelings for her but he has responsibilities to the ship and “to that man on the bridge” which if he was saying to just mean once again the whole ship, and its mission and the captain in a professional sense, seems a little redundant, which would surely be illogical.

The colonists get sad that they haven’t done anything for years because the sex pollen made them unambitious but I would argue maybe the sex pollen was right and you were better off just vibing. This episode was more interesting and less silly than I thought the creator of sex pollen would be. At the end Spock says that for the first time in his life he was happy. While every other character could still easily become addicted to a thing like that they could at least know they would experience happiness or any feelings again in their life, for Spock it was going back to nothingness.

Devil in the Dark: Spock calls Kirk Jim which I don’t think he has before, when he’s talking over the communicator and he’s worried he’s in danger, there’s some actual fear or urgency in his voice. Also the moment that got me was when Kirk wanted to send Spock back the ship cause he didn’t trust him to kill the creature and Spock was like “but… I’m not really as useful there I am here… so…” If I was writing it I would’ve played that up more but anyway, I like that they didn’t kill the creature. I like that McCoy said the thing. And also said “I’m starting to think I can cure a rainy day.” He’s my favourite.

Errand of Mercy: It’s kinda becoming the Kirk Spock show now, I like the ship but I miss McCoy. I like that the passive pacifists who Kirk was so angry with were actually more powerful. And KLINGONS! Oh yeah the orientalism, the yellow peril, it’s… it’s there all right. They were played a lot colder here, a little Cardassian maybe, still bloodthirsty but I don’t believe this guy has to do it himself to feel honourable, he can kill for sure but he’s fine ordering someone else to do it and being a chessmaster too.

The Alternative Factor: God this one was boring. But it does have a man with the worst beard wig I’ve ever seen. Now he’s stuck fighting the bad version of himself or something to save the universe. So remember that when you’re watching later Trek series, all of this could suddenly be destroyed if one of them gets tired.

The City on the Edge of Forever: UHURA GETS TO GO ON AN AWAY MISSION! Aaaand she doesn’t get to do anything :/ The usual three go back in time! To the 60s again! Oh wait… that’s meant to be the 30s? Oh. That’s some tall hair that lady has for the 30s. But at least said lady is a character, she’s a little perfect but she does things, she has strong beliefs, she might be written a little idealised, but she is still written like a person compared to almost every other Kirk love interest. “He says it (captain) even when he doesn’t say it” is an interesting line. So she has to die, I still think they could’ve just convinced her that you don’t make friends with fascists but ok. They never say what the Clark Gable movie is.

Operation Annihilate! Kirk’s brother dies, and so does his sister in law, leaving his nephew without parents. This is never resolved and the episode ends with them laughing about how Spock got his eyesight back.

[adarkgreensoul]

Ok then, just binge listened to EOS 10 and gotta admit, I wasn’t expecting the feels there. Nope, I did not see that one coming. Under the cut, you’ll see how my mind went from “this is the closest thing to comedy in space I could find” to “remember when all our problems were about a non-stopping boner?” in four seasons. Spoilers, obviously.

Season 1

- After Wolf 359, I need more space related stuff. Please let this be light-hearted space stuff.

- Ryan is a piece of sunshine that must be protected, just saying.

- Levi? Like Attack on Titan cool badass Levi? *5 seconds later when he asks if he should take off his pants* Nope, this aint that type of Levi.

- Urvidian is not having a good time.

- The way I see it Ryan spends a week finding the alcohol Urvidian hid in the weirdest places.

- This podcast has some good soundtrack.

- Ryan just called Jane a bitch and I'm living for it. It surprised me so much I cackled in the middle of a very silent bus ride.

- “Your penis almost exploded.” and "My eyes are up here." are the running gags of this show.

- "That one's penis hurts and that one's very old." Good quote.

- *Hears Akmazian speak* Do you smell that? That smells like some romance.

- Urvidian and Ryan are gonna have a Father/son thing and I’m ok with it. 

- That is a huge jump from "explosion in the archives" to "I'm going to my father's funeral." You can’t just fricking put a transtion song in there!

Season 2

- Ryan's mom is not wasting any time, but did it have to be THIS doctor? *Ten minutes later* They had a thing and she married his best friend. Uff.

- That's a lot of kissing asmr.

- That awkward moment when you find out this little huge-foreheaded doctor is your son. When I said Father/son thing I didn’t mean literally father/son thing.

- If Levi ends up being a bad guy or something I'm gonna lose it.

- Nothing better that a sentient Ai that wants everyone dead but you.

- Doctor Who reference = chef's kiss.

- Levi and Jane trying to seduce Akmazian is the best.

- Feral cries and unedulterated profanities only on Thursdays.

Season 3

- I know I should be panicking about Akmazian not being remembered but Uber Gay is *cheff's kiss*.

- Wait, his dad is alive?! Ok, this is getting too timey wimey.

- In episode 303, I swear, when I heard Levi screaming in the background I though it was a fly.

- From cafe to gay bar. Nice.

- Levi and Jane are such a duo.

- Who is this Ben? I'm so confu- Ooooohhh. Wait, the accent! Noooo!

- Wow, learning about Jane’s past was like that one episode of How I Met Your Mother when we found out about Robin’s Canadian pop star days.

- Man with a cat. I haven’t seen any fanart of this and I am very disappointed.

- His dad?! Uff. From that one timeline? Double uff.

Season 4

- This is a strange way to start a season. Not complaining.

- Wait, David and Ryan? Nice. I miss the accent, but nice.

- David and Ryan are so adorab- sorry, Silent what?! 

- He's going full conspiracy mode. 

- Another Doctor Who reference! *intense cheff’s kiss*

- Morpheus anime cat boy confirmed.

- If Morpheus turns out to be the bad guy. *Ten minutes later* He's just a sassy naked man, never mind.

- When your sentient Ai friend is stuck inside your head. You know, the usual.

- Excuse me? Did she say evil?

- Damn. That escalated quickly. *Ryan turns full evil* THIS IS ESCALATING WAY TOO QUICKLY.

- "See the pink hair? I'm out of my mind." That's a quote.

- Jane, when did this become Avengers: Endgame?!

- All this evil is confusing.

- (During the season finale) This is a lot of feelings, man. I was promised no feelings. The golden scares thing was one thing, but this? This?! *points at sad feelings* Unacceptable.

- (After the post-credits scene) This is the Avengers. Also, damn right you are bringing him back.

Well, those 4 seasons were a hell of a ride. So, season 5? Anyone?

[mubal4]

“This is who I am now.” – Chris Hauth

 Once again, I am sharing with you a podcast that I listened to last week.  It was the Rich Roll podcast with Chris Hauth.  From what I have gathered, since Chris has been on the Rich Roll podcast a few times, he trains Rich for his ultra-endurance events.  However, I get the sense that Chris’ teachings go far beyond that of ultra-events, sports, and physical activity 😊. He, and I should include Rich in that too so, they, offer such a clean perspective on training.  These topics ring a bell with me since I am typically in some type of training cycle for a race or, just want to keep as active as possible.  And, specially during those training blocks, I sometimes question whether I am over training or undertraining.  “Am I doing enough?” That is question that comes up often and thankfully Robin is around to ground me.  I have battled at times wondering if I am doing enough and more accurately, “Am I enough?”  How many out there have had that thought enter their mind?  We’ve discussed this topic of “potential” over the last couple of weeks. I have been asking myself about my journey and how I can possibly get more out of myself.  Is there more to get out of me?  This podcast provided me with some great insight.  Yes, it was mostly centered around training, but it can definitely transition into life.

  As I had reflected on the content my daughters came into my mind with respect to studying. This past year I have seen them both works very hard on their school work.  Not that they didn’t in the past but, with one in Junior High and the other a Freshman in High School, things are getting harder and they are required to do more.  Honestly, it really has been fun to watch them grow through this process and implement things they have learned to “train” (study) better, find new habits that work, and get rid of time wasters.  They still have far to go I think but I am not one to judge because studying was not typically my thing; they are already way ahead of where I was back then 😊.  Yes, it has been fun for me to watch for the sideline but, I know that studying (training really) at times, brings more stress to their lives!

 Chris Hauth has a great quote from the podcast that I caught: “training should not add more stress to your life.  It is supposed to do the exact opposite.”  Some might say, “studying for school is different because you are trying to get good grades.”  Okay, I get that but if are “training” for something, what are you training for? There is some expectation you may have and even it is “just to finish;” that still is some time of result.  You are putting in the work in order to get better. We typically don’t look at studying in the same manner as we do training.  However, aren’t they the same thing? When you are in 7th & 9th grade, like my daughters, are they “training” to get better (i.e. – go to the next grade)? They both aspire to go to college; aren’t they training for that? In college, aren’t we “training” for what lies after that?  I think we are constantly training/studying each day to learn something new and be better.  So, what creates the added stress?  Our incessant need to attach some outcome to that process!!  When I do that, yes, I add more stress to my life.  When I am out on a run I shouldn’t be thinking about a result in a race, a time for that particular training day, or some other type of expectation.  But I do! We do!

 There was another great part of the podcast where Chris was talking about “showing up for your next race at 60%.”  He was discussing how life can, and always does, get in the way in what we have going on.  The proverbial shit usually comes to the surface and we must be flexible and adapt to those unexpected situations.  Therefore, plans change and maybe this training block, leading up to this race, you were not able to put in the miles you planned on, so you are towing that line less than 100%.  For those non-runners out there, I encourage to equate this to something in your life; studying for an exam, job interview, a big meeting, your wedding, pretty much anything in life that you want to be your best at but life prevents that from happening when the moment arises!!  Just for a point of reference, I am not sure I had a race where I was completely 100%. That said, Chris is point is to test yourself and get uncomfortable.  So, what if you didn’t get ALL the preparation in that you wanted to? So, what that you are not feeling 100%?  So, what that you didn’t have time to take a crap before the start & are now at mile 22 with another 9 to go (true story 😊 – forgive the graphic nature 😊).  Toe the damn line and put one foot in front of the other and see where you end up!! Again, us the example as a metaphor. We spend so much time stressing ourselves out with our “training” leading up to something big we forget about being excited for the opportunity that we should be enjoying.  I do it all the time and inevitably, no matter how much you may think you “underprepared” there is something that pulls you to the finish line (again metaphor 😊).

 The title of this blog, which was another quote from the podcast, “this is who I am now,” really connected with me.  As we discussed in recent entries, our lives ebb and flow. Where we are at this stage in our life is different that 5 years ago; likely even 5 months ago.  Our desires could be different, our responsibilities could be different, our health could be different, our commitments could be different.  That is okay and that is how life happens.  I have been guilty of trying to live my life with the same expectations and same “training” today, as I did 5 years ago even though so many things have changed.  There are times that I have failed in adapting my preparation for “who I am now.” I think what I have had more trouble with is forgiving myself for having to “show up at 60%.”  That stretches back into the perfectionism programming and fear of failing.  

 I think ever state has some sort of version of this saying, I will use Pennsylvania, well because I want to, “if you like the weather in PA now, just wait 2 minutes and it will change.”  That is just about how life is too.  If our lives are not changing day to day and each day isn’t an adventure; if each day isn’t challenging in some way, are we truly testing ourselves? Are we getting uncomfortable or is everything just moving along each day the same as the last? (Groundhog Day anyone?)  In that same thought though, as we live each day, we are “training” for the next day, if we aren’t stressed or tested by that training are we really getting uncomfortable? Are we truly growing?   That said, no matter what each day throws at us, do we see that day, those challenges as gifts or do we look at them as stressors?  Some things to think about and some perspective to let sink in because as I write this now, I am thinking about much of it. 😊

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

These senior citizen YouTubers are better than anyone else on this hellscape internet

The typical YouTuber is young, obnoxious, and speaks at an above-average decibel level. They love pranks. They love covertly selling you *products.* Even though they're your age or vastly younger, they have more money in their bank account than you ever will.

Thankfully, not all YouTubers like that. This Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for the dedicated community of senior citizen YouTubers, here to make homemade pasta, deconstruct mechanical toys, play lullabies on their guitars, knit, apply make-up, and show you how to properly take a dip in the public pool.

SEE ALSO: Logan Paul isn't the only problem. YouTube is broken — here's how to fix it.

If you're going to be an influencer, at least use your power to show Xennials like me how to make proper tagliatelle.

For all their wisdom and *actual content knowledge,* senior citizen YouTube celebrities are nonetheless a rarity. The demographic data tells the story: 96% of youth aged 13 to 17 have used YouTube, compared to just 51% of those 75 and older. Just 67% of seniors aged 65 and over use the internet, and only 4 in 10 own smartphones.

So we shouldn't be shocked that of the biggest names in YouTube — Fernanfloo, PewDewPie, Germán Garmendia, Rubén Doblas Gundersen i.e. El RubiosOMG, VanossGaming, and so on — all are male, and none, absolutely none, are above the age of 30.

That doesn't mean senior citizens are absent from the platform, or that younger generations don't love to watch older folks on screen. I know that I, for one, am not alone in not wanting to hear this guy opine about suicide prevention:

You just have to look a little harder to find the elders of the community, which we kindly did for you. Here are some of the leading senior personalities on the platform:

1. Tricia Cusden, Look Fabulous for Older Women

70-year-old Tricia Cusden formally kicked off her YouTube account and her personal make-up business, Look Fabulous Forever, five years ago. Cusden specializes in make-up made specifically for older women. 

Cusden remembers when her manufacturer told her to put videos of her products on Twitter:

"I thought, that's a really stupid idea," Cusden told Mashable. "Millions of videos are uploaded to YouTube, people just won't see them."

Pretty quickly, however, Cusden's videos started picking up real traffic: 1,000 views one day, 1,500 views on another. It was clear that Cusden had tapped into a real need — and that older women were (gulp!) using YouTube.

Cusden believes she was able to access this demographic because her product line was written up in print publications, which have older followers. These women presumably then followed her to YouTube.

In comparison to other brands that market token "anti-aging skincare" to older women, Cusden hopes to create a positive, stigma-free YouTube space:

"The beauty industry disdains and marginalizes this age group ... [but] we won't disparage you here," Cusden says. "We won't be negative."

Cusden's channel currently has 28,340 subscribers.

2. Judy Graham, Knitting Tips by Judy

In recent years, knitting has had something of a comeback among the millennial Etsy set. But why learn from some dumb book when you can learn from *THE* Judy Graham? 

Graham is a knitting legend. She's now in her 80s, and she's still producing videos nearly every week. In 2015, Graham complained to her son that it was a myth that all seniors hated technology.

"Seniors do know about tech, and they do use it," Graham told her son, who later published her comments in USA Today. 

Not everyone who watches "Knitting Tips by Judy" is older. She has plenty of younger fans (points at self).

If there's anything that Judy proves, it's that you don't have to be a young, terrible California bro in order to be successful on this nightmare platform.

3. Tim Rowett, Grand Illusions

For all the optical illusion and unusual toy fans out there (I'm assuming that's everyone on this list), Tim Rowett is your man. 

Rowett's YouTube channel, Grand Illusions, collects and reviews dozens of random toys. It's whimsical and strange and exceedingly, unexpectedly popular: The channel currently has over 881,000 subscribers.

In 2015, the Telegraph named Rowett one of the best YouTubers over 50 years old. 

The award was well-deserved. Is there anything more soothing than hearing a handsome older British gentleman with a BBC accent examine the mechanics of a bubble blower?

4. Pasta Grannies

There's no such thing as a dream job, except for Vicky Bennison's. Bennison is the founder of Pasta Grannies, a YouTube channel featuring Italian grandmas making their best homemade pasta. 

Bennison, who is 60, literally travels all around Italy hunting for the country's most talented grandmas. Every episode, she highlights a particular grandma and their specialty pasta.

Pasta and Italian grandmas are universally beloved, which is why Bennison's show has such a diverse, cross-generational audience. These women aren't trained chefs, but they're exceptionally talented and they know what a good pasta serving size is: one gallon per person.

"What you see on television requires armies of food stylists ... These are things all people can do," Bennison told Mashable. "[It's why] I do have a broad audience ... My demographics for Pasta Grannies is 25 to 65 years old." 

Some of these grannies are in their late 90s. Yet with more 341,913 subscribers, Bennison has nonetheless been able to build a digital fan base for these women.

Pasta Grannies, you are welcome in my home anytime.

5. Bossa Nakane

Though he probably wouldn't classify it this way, Bossa Nakane makes lullabies for stressed-out adults. This man is a nightingale. His music is delightfully tender: Think Nick Drake, but sung by a human robin.

Why would you ever sing "Happy Birthday" yourself when you can have the Bossa Nakane version instead? He's better.

He currently only has 3,174 subscribers. Everyone, please follow now.

6. ElderGym

ElderGym is the only YouTube fitness series on the web I'm capable of completing. A 4-minute session on how to get off the floor? This I can do. March in place for 1 minute? Hell freaking yeah. ElderGym isn't just for seniors, it's for everyone. 

Squeeze your shoulders for 1 minute. Congratulations! You've exercised.

7. Grandma Shirley

Anyone who's anyone in the senior YouTuber world knows Grandma Shirley, an 82-year-old gamer who records herself playing games for YouTube, among other places. She's best known for playing Skyrim and currently has over 410,000 subscribers.

I've never understood the appeal of watching other people play games (why watch strangers play Grand Theft Auto when you can watch ... anything else) but if I'm going to watch anyone, it will be Grandma Shirley.

8. Grandpa Kitchen

Grandpa Kitchen operates a YouTube channel where he cooks enormous amounts of Indian food and feeds if to local orphans. The channel currently operates a Patreon page in order to fund their operations; however, I was unable to independently verify how that money is spent.

That being said, Grandpa Kitchen runs an excellent show. Look at all those potatoes. How can they not make you happy?

9. Gramma and Ginga

Gramma and Ginga are two sisters, one 104 years old, the other 99. They live a few blocks from one another in Clarksburg, West Virginia. If you're the type of person who loves to see two charming older women bicker non-stop about nothing, this is for you.

Think Seinfeld, but with Grandmas.

Imagine a comedy podcast but the podcast were ... actually funny. That's Gramma and Ginga.

These women currently have 325,684 subscribers. In 2016, they made it to Jimmy Kimmel Live. 

10. Kevin and Lill

I tend to be skeptical of anyone on YouTube who has more than 500,000 subscribers and says they create "comedy." Historically, YouTube comedy is an art form lower than improv.

Kevin and his objectively charismatic grandma Lill are an exception to the rule. We talk a lot about YouTube personalities but Grandma Lill actually has one. 

As the kids say, she destroys me.

Look at her make chocolate chip brownies with her grandson Kevin, then try to pick yourself up off the floor. 

Perhaps my favorite part of the series is when she introduces the episode, saying, "Hi fellas and girls."

Just listen to it instead of reading my far inferior copy.

Grandma Lill says she didn't really know much about YouTube before her grandson turned on his camera one day in the car:

"I was surprised, but I said, 'Hey that's good!'" Lill told Mashable.

You'd think that Grandma Lill would be an inspiration to her friends, many of whom are in the same age bracket.

Grandma Lill doesn't think so.

"My girlfriends if they don’t have grandchildren [with access to technology] — they could care less about what I do! They don't care where I'm going. They don't have YouTube, Instagram."

She also doesn't particularly care how they feel. If there's someone out there she can inspire — even if it's not her best girlfriends, even if it's just herself — she's happy these videos exist.

"It keeps me younger," Lill told Mashable. "I feel like 65 instead of 88 now. Nobody can believe I'm 88 ... We're just so good."

A heartfelt thanks to *65*-year-old Grandma Lill and all the YouTubers like her.

WATCH: 3Doodler Create Plus is the perfect pen for creative techies — Power Up

[encephalonfatigue]

capital and the plantationocene: faith or defeat

a review of Anna Tsing’s “The Mushroom at the End of the World”

Since my late undergraduate years, Donna Haraway has been a continuous figure of fascination for me. I always found her to be a very fashionable writer, maybe because I had a very unfashionable taste for 90’s postmodernism during my politically formative years. Around the time I started toying around with vegetable gardening in my backyard I began getting fairly interested in Haraway’s work on companion species and how species are mutually constituted by each other. Species (including humans) of course do not exist in a vacuum, but exist in relation to other species, and have been formed by the history of these other species with whom they have been interacting over vast periods of time, genetically and behaviourally adapting to what Haraway calls ‘kin’ — family. (Also Haraway references in Orphan Black only added fuel to this smouldering interest.)

More recently, Haraway’s Marxism has been more often foregrounded in discussions. I suppose this is simply a result of the political mood that has been surfacing over the past few years. But I listened to a podcast interview Haraway did with Jacobin on why using the term ‘anthropocene’ was inadequate for trying to understand the nature of the anthropogenic climate catastrophe currently underway. Many leftists use the (rather clumsy) term ‘capitalocene’ to signal that it is the specific political economy of capitalism and specifically the actions of the capitalist class — the wealthy few — that are driving this climate catastrophe. Haraway mentions she finds that term useful but more often refers to a term that her colleague Anna Tsing uses which is ‘plantationocene’, which signals the type of socio-ecological and political-economic organization that came to exist under colonialism that became the basis of capitalist production today — and how that was the driving force behind the ongoing climate catastrophe. This is how I first encountered Anna Tsing.

It is interesting how certain liberal science writers like Elizabeth Kolbert in The Sixth Extinction go out of their way to try and frame ecological destruction as an intrinsically human thing. Almost as if it is inevitable that humans as a species would cause mass extinctions either way — with or without capitalism. Ironically, this is a rather fascist idea behind a lot of eco-fascist calls for genocide. Haraway sometimes gets accused of this because she emphasizes population control as an important ecological tactic (with slogans like “Make kin, not babies”), even though she has been extremely critical of these sorts of fascist impulses in movements like deep ecology. Haraway’s emphasis on population control is inverted from the typical liberal one that carries deep anxieties over ballooning third world populations. Haraway claims that having a child in the highly consumptive environment of a Western ‘middle-class’ life is far more worrying than having a child as a third world family. I ultimately don’t really agree with Haraway’s emphasis on population as a primary mechanism of dealing with this climate catastrophe, but certainly I think it’s worth admitting that our planet can only sustain a certain number of human beings.

I want to point out though how radically different indigenous anthropologies are from the sort of picture Kolbert paints in The Sixth Extinction. For example, Leanne Simpson talks about how human abandonment is not the solution to environmental destruction but human care and responsibility:

“So when I think of the land as my mother or if I think of it as a familial relationship, I don’t hate my mother because she’s sick, or because she’s been abused. I don’t stop visiting her because she’s been in an abusive relationship and she has scars and bruises. If anything, you need to intensify that relationship because it’s a relationship of nurturing and caring.”

The botanist Robin Wall-Kimmerer also talks about finding this common notion among her ecology students that humans are not beneficial to ecosystems:

“One otherwise unremarkable morning I gave the students in my General Ecology class a survey. Among other things, they were asked to rate their understanding of the negative interactions between humans and the environment. Nearly every one of the two hundred students said confidently that humans and nature are a bad mix. These were third-year students who had selected a career in environmental protection, so the response was, in a way, not very surprising. They were well schooled in the mechanics of climate change, toxins in the land and water, and the crisis of habitat loss. Later in the survey, they were asked to rate their knowledge of positive interactions between people and land. The median response was “none.”

I was stunned. How is it possible that in twenty years of education they cannot think of any beneficial relationships between people and the environment? …When we talked about this after class, I realized that they could not even imagine what beneficial relations between their species and others might look like. How can we begin to move toward ecological and cultural sustainability if we cannot even imagine what the path feels like? If we can’t imagine the generosity of geese? These students were not raised on the story of Skywoman.”

I think what people like Haraway and Tsing offer is a framing beyond nature as something radically distinct from humans, as if humans are not part of nature or ecosystems. Their critique of rendering nature as something static or pure is also at the same time a critique of anthropocentrism. To recognize humans as a species formed in parallel together with all other species on this planet, and that we as a species affect other species just as other species affect us, and affect each other also. What we cannot lose sight of is the hegemonic influence the humans species (more specifically an elite subset of the human species) has had on all other species on this planet. We cannot divorce anthropocentrism and certain destructive humanisms from a proper class analysis.

Tsing actually works through a number of Marxist concepts throughout the book. She explores labour (wage labour and precarious gig labour), capital, privatization, alienation, and commodification. I think many on the left are quite impatient of postmodern sermonizing (maybe rightly so), yet Tsing is working in the tradition of Marx and has many worthwhile things to say. Some of Marx’s earliest articles as a journalist and editor of the German paper Rheinische Zitung was on the wooded commons. He wrote a series of articles on the ‘theft’ of firewood from German forests in the autumn of 1842, which many consider formative to his further politicization.

One of Tsing’s observations I found most useful was her exploration of capitalist co-optation which she terms the ‘salvage economy’ writing:

“In this “salvage” capitalism, supply chains organize the translation process in which wildly diverse forms of work and nature are made commensurate—for capital.”

Tsing elaborates:

“In capitalist farms, living things made within ecological processes are coopted for the concentration of wealth. This is what I call “salvage,” that is, taking advantage of value produced without capitalist control. Many capitalist raw materials (consider coal and oil) came into existence long before capitalism. Capitalists also cannot produce human life, the prerequisite of labor. “Salvage accumulation” is the process through which lead firms amass capital without controlling the conditions under which commodities are produced. ”

Tsing then turns to two very interesting literary examples of capitalist co-optation of indigenous knowledge by colonizers to generate capitalist wealth:

“Consider the nineteenth-century ivory supply chain connecting central Africa and Europe as told in Joseph Conrad’s novel Heart of Darkness. The story turns around the narrator’s discovery that the European trader he much admired has turned to savagery to procure his ivory. The savagery is a surprise because everyone expects the European presence in Africa to be a force for civilization and progress. Instead, civilization and progress turn out to be cover-ups and translation mechanisms for getting access to value procured through violence: classic salvage.

For a brighter view of supply-chain translation, consider Herman Melville’s account of the nineteenth-century procurement of whale oil for Yankee investors. Moby-Dick tells of a ship of whalers whose rowdy cosmopolitanism contrasts sharply with our stereotypes of factory discipline; yet the oil they obtain from killing whales around the world enters a U.S.-based capitalist supply chain. Strangely, all the harpooners on the Pequod are unassimilated indigenous people from Asia, Africa, America, and the Pacific. The ship is unable to kill a single whale without the expertise of people who are completely untrained in U.S. industrial discipline. But the products of this work must eventually be translated into capitalist value forms; the ship sails only because of capitalist financing. The conversion of indigenous knowledge into capitalist returns is salvage accumulation. So too is the conversion of whale life into investments.”

I cannot help but recall Caliban in Shakespeare’s Tempest crying out:

“...I loved thee

And show'd thee all the qualities o' the isle,

The fresh springs, brine-pits, barren place and fertile:

Cursed be I that did so! All the charms

Of Sycorax, toads, beetles, bats, light on you!

For I am all the subjects that you have,

Which first was mine own king: and here you sty me

In this hard rock, whiles you do keep from me

The rest o' the island.”

After the extraction of indigenous knowledge for capitalist gain comes the inevitable violent process of enclosure and privatization that dispossesses the colonized from their land.

Tsing is a Southeast Asianist and I think her writings on Southeast Asia are some of the strongest aspects of the book. The influence of Japanese capital for example in Indonesia was fascinating, and how the reinvigoration of Japanese capital after WW2 was largely a function of anti-communist foreign policy.

“American occupiers arranged for the rehabilitation of once-disgraced nationalists and rebuilt the Japanese economy as a bulwark against communism. It was in this climate that associations of banks, industrial enterprises, and specialists in trade formed again, although less formally, as keiretsu “enterprise groups.” At the heart of most enterprise groups was a general trading company in partnership with a bank. The bank transferred money to the trading company, which, in turn, made smaller loans to its associated enterprises… Trading companies advanced loans—or equipment, technical advice, or special marketing agreements—to their supply chain partners overseas. The trading company’s job was to translate goods procured in varied cultural and economic arrangements into inventory. It is hard not to see in this arrangement the roots of the current hegemony of global supply chains, with their associated form of salvage accumulation.”

Tsing also tells the story of Nike which started as a U.S. outpost distributing Japanese sneakers, and eventually moved to this model of heavily subcontracting every stage of production to the extent that one of its Vice Presidents remarked:  “We don’t know the first thing about manufacturing. We are marketers and designers,”

It is then interesting to see Tsing write about her first encounter with commodity chains as a Southeast Asianist was to observe how Japanese capital functioned in Indonesia by way of subcontracting not unlike the way Nike did:

“I first learned about supply chains in studying logging in Indonesia, and this is a place to see how the Japanese supply-chain model works. During Japan’s building boom in the 1970s and 1980s, Japanese imported Indonesian trees to make plywood construction molds. But no Japanese cut down Indonesian trees. Japanese general trading companies offered loans, technical assistance, and trade agreements to firms from other countries, which cut logs to Japanese specifications. This arrangement had many advantages for Japanese traders. First, it avoided political risk. Japanese businessmen were aware of the political difficulties of Chinese Indonesians who, resented for their wealth and willingness to cooperate with the more ruthless policies of the Indonesian government, were targets in periodic riots. Japanese businessmen evaded such difficulties for themselves by advancing money to Chinese Indonesians, who made the deals with Indonesian generals and took the risks. Second, the arrangement facilitated transnational mobility. Japanese traders had already deforested the Philippines and much of Malaysian Borneo by the time they got to Indonesia. Rather than adapting to a new country, the traders could merely bring in agents willing to work with them in each location. Indeed, Filipino and Malaysian loggers, financed by Japanese traders, were ready and able to go to work in cutting down Indonesian trees.

Third, supply-chain arrangements facilitated Japanese trade standards while ignoring environmental consequences. Environmentalists looking for targets could find only a grab bag of varied companies, many Indonesian; no Japanese were in the forests. Fourth, supply-chain arrangements accommodated illegal logging as a layer of subcontracting, which harvested trees protected by environmental regulations. Illegal loggers sold their logs to the larger contractors, who passed them on to Japan. No one need be responsible. And—even after Indonesia started its own plywood businesses, in a supply-chain hierarchy modeled on Japanese trade—the wood was so cheap! The cost could be calculated without regard to the lives and livelihoods of loggers, trees, or forest residents. Japanese trading companies made the logging of Southeast Asia possible. They were equally busy with other commodities and in other parts of the world.”

This habit of disarticulating production is the common experience of capitalist alienation. Ching Kwan Lee, who has done some remarkably important studies on Chinese investment in Africa made some very interesting remarks on subcontracting:

“The worldwide trend has been to use subcontractors who in turn offer minimal training to short-term contract workers. The use of casual and contract workers was equally prevalent in construction.”

She observed many mining companies backed by global private capital (e.g. traded on the London stock exchange) were far more likely than Chinese state-owned mining companies to engage in widespread subcontracting in their mining projects:

“CM was particularly notorious and ruthless in using competition among subcontractors to drive down costs, to the extent that there was an internal discourse among its own managers about the “tyranny of finance.””

Lee argues in one of her lectures on her book “The Specter of Global China” that subcontracting and the casualization of labour often significantly reduces the chance that workers will engage in strikes together, and consequently their bargaining power. She says:

“The more subcontracts you have, they fight more over things like equipment — it’s harder to manage. But on the books, you’re cutting costs by subcontracting… Why do I mention this as a very important feature? Because it has extremely important consequences for labour power — the capacity for labour to force the hand of management. Because if you only have one subcontractor, your workers are unified, because they just have one employer. But if you have many many subcontractors, your workforce is totally divided, and that’s why more strikes happen in the Chinese state mine, and they have to make more concessions to their workers because they care so much about.. smooth production.”

Lee’s point is that Chinese mining is less concerned about maximizing profits by selling minerals on a global market, than actually directly using those minerals for state infrastructure projects. This is the classical distinction between ‘use value’ and ‘exchange value’ (mentioned in both Adam Smith and Marx). But Lee emphasizes that this is only in the case of mining. Subcontracting is still very common in Chinese construction and the bargaining power of labour power in Chinese construction in Africa is sometimes even worse than construction undertaken by global private capital. So it cuts both ways.

I work at a small firm engaged in distributing and ‘integrating’ power engineering products and am intimately confronted by the bizarre world of a subcontracting and sub-subcontracting that happens in almost every dimension of the field. It’s remarkable how many middle people are involved in small value-adding steps and plastering their ‘brand names’ on goods simply manufactured in third world countries where labour is much cheaper.

Anyway, with these issues of mining and landscapes ravaged by capitalism, I think Tsing raises an obvious but important point that humans are not the only species that radically transform landscapes. She writes:

“Making worlds is not limited to humans. We know that beavers reshape streams as they make dams, canals, and lodges; in fact, all organisms make ecological living places, altering earth, air, and water. Without the ability to make workable living arrangements, species would die out. In the process, each organism changes everyone’s world. Bacteria made our oxygen atmosphere, and plants help maintain it. Plants live on land because fungi made soil by digesting rocks. As these examples suggest, world-making projects can overlap, allowing room for more than one species. Humans, too, have always been involved in multispecies world making. Fire was a tool for early humans not just to cook but also to burn the landscape, encouraging edible bulbs and grasses that attracted animals for hunting. Humans shape multispecies worlds when our living arrangements make room for other species. This is not just a matter of crops, livestock, and pets. Pines, with their associated fungal partners, often flourish in landscapes burned by humans; pines and fungi work together to take advantage of bright open spaces and exposed mineral soils. Humans, pines, and fungi make living arrangements simultaneously for themselves and for others: multispecies worlds.”

Tsing also mentions how

“Pines have made alliances with animals as well as fungi. Some pines are completely dependent on birds to spread their seeds—just as some birds are completely dependent on pine seeds for their food.”

Yet this interdependency is not isolated from ‘destructive’ human practices. Tsing points out that human deforestation also benefits pine trees in certain circumstances:

“Humans spread pines in two different ways: by planting them, and by creating the kinds of disturbances in which they take hold. The latter generally occurs without any conscious intent; pines like some of the kinds of messes humans make without trying. Pines colonize abandoned fields and eroded hillsides. When humans cut down the other trees, pines move in. Sometimes planting and disturbance go together. People plant pines to remediate the disturbances they have created. Alternatively, they may keep things radically disturbed to advantage pine. This last alternative has been the strategy of industrial growers, whether they plant or merely manage self-seeded pine: clear-cutting and soil breaking are justified as strategies to promote pine.”

I have mixed feelings about the emphasizing of this framing by postmodernists like Tsing and Haraway. On the one hand there is something dialectical to this sort of analysis. Yet also this reiteration of slippage and blurring of boundaries can obscure the real dominant power dynamics at play, and the clarity of the task before us. 

Catherine Liu did a really interesting interview with Jacobin criticizing postmodernism from a Marxist perspective. She mentions that most textbooks locate the pivotal turn to postmodernism as the destruction of Pruitt-Igoe (a social housing project in St Louis that ‘devolved’ into a hotbed of ‘gang violence’). This narrative framing was also the case of for me in a first year international development course, where this landmark moment in architectural history had resounding consequences in art more generally and philosophical and political currents. Liu claims that the postmodernist disdain for large-scale ‘alienating’ and ‘dehumanizing’ mass-produced social-housing projects and efficiently designed rooms like the Frankfurt Kitchen designed by the communist architect Margarete Schutte-Lihotzky dovetailed well with reactionary initiatives to dismantle social housing, which were largely used by poor working-class people of colour. Liu sees this as a defeatist impulse in postmodernist ideology. That grand projects to provide housing for all and not leaving poor racialized communities behind is seen as an impossibly utopic vision bound for failure. The failure of Pruitt-Igoe housing projects is not properly located within the active efforts of the rich white business class to stop public funding of social housing and providing adequate maintenance for it, but as the fault of modernism’s large ambitions and excessively managed ‘imposition’ of egalitarian ideas on normal people that cannot relate to these idealistic elites, and are too violent and ‘uneducated’ to take care of and maintain these unworkable projects of modernist monstrosity.

Each of these critiques Liu puts forward, I can see within the texture of Tsing’s book here. When I first picked up this book, roaming about a big box store book retailer (one I recently learned from a member of the United Jewish People’s Order is often subject to BDS boycotts because of its funding of the HESEG Foundation), I encountered Tsing’s mention of the anarchist pamphlet Desert, which basically asserts that stopping a climate catastrophe is impossible as is any effort to put an end to the global capitalist order, and that radicals should simply focus on how to better live in radical communities of mutual aid under the ruins of capitalist power. 

In many ways Tsing’s book is about how life has thrived despite the circumstances of capitalist destruction, and found ways to survive outside the orbit of typical capitalist modes of production. I tend to agree with Liu more that such defeatism is dangerous. Yet it should not be ignored wholesale. Questions of how to survive under capitalism are important. But being a person of faith, I do believe another world is possible and worth fighting for. Tsing talks about how ‘scalable’ operations of colonial plantations (e.g. those involved in the production of sugar cane) became templates of capitalist production today, yet also recognizes that scalability is not intrinsically good or bad, it just has certain consequences that one must properly consider. 

I think I’ve have spent many years believing in a vision that E.F. Schumacher put forward in Small is Beautiful, along with these critiques of technology and industry put forward by Ivan Illich (a Catholic anarchist of sorts) embraced by certain Latin American leftists. The Marxist historian of Southeast Asia, Michael Vickery in his 1999 introduction to his seminal text on Cambodia, fascinatingly mentioned a connection one of his acquaintances made between the ideology of the ‘Pol Pot regime’ and Ivan Illich, though Vickery thought Illich did not intend to be taken so literally or seriously. But this utopic agrarian idea of collectivization without the imposition of Western technology on peasants (as modernization is often framed as) is something that Vickery sees as part of the tragic ideology infused within Cambodian revolutionary society, even if they likely did not read Illich at all, but shared certain ideological impulses with him.

As migrants and refugees from Laos and Cambodia, as well as some Hmong immigrants constitute many of the matsutake pickers that Tsing spends time with and interviews, I found Vickery’s insights on Cambodian revolutionary ideology (which he does not really characterize as communist or Marxist) rather relevant to these issues of scale, modernization and progress that Tsing so strongly criticizes. I too had a certain disdain for notions of ‘progress’, but am coming to think I have been mistaken about them. The eschewing of ‘progress’ in many ways is defeatist as Liu suggests.

I think these are all very complex issues. What Tsing’s book did provide and one of my favourite parts of it involved these fascinating elaborations on pine and oak trees that for some reason provide a sense of hope. Some sense that out of destruction, life can still persist. In that sense it is not sheer defeatism. Tsing puts forward fascinating facts like “felled oaks (unlike pines) tend not to die; they sprout back from roots and stumps to form new trees.” The Asian history Tsing tells about pine forests is also fascinating:

“Long before they came to central Japan, Dr. Ogawa related, Koreans had cut down their forests to build temples and fuel iron forging. They had developed in their homeland the human-disturbed open pine forests in which matsutake grow long before such forests emerged in Japan. When Koreans expanded to Japan in the eighth century, they cut down forests. Pine forests sprung up from such deforestation, and with them matsutake.”

I think about the enormous white pine forests that covered the landscape of Mississauga once, and were wiped out in what Anishinaabeg ethnobotanist and Dalhousie professor Jonathan Ferrier referred to as a “genocide by sawmills”. Yet I recall Leanne Simpson speaking of Mother Earth recovering, and I think about the resilience of pine to thrive in the wake of human or more specifically capitalist destruction. Despite all the ruins of capitalism, beautiful things can still persist. That does not mean we should be resigned to the terms of capital. We must fight with everything inside us, and draw strength from the pockets of resilience that survive the destruction such an economy has sown. We need not feel embarrassed about the lines we draw in the sand, while still recognizing that ultimately we do things out of solidarity and love. We love our oppressors by speaking truth to them about their oppressive ways and moving them towards helping in the abolition of such relations of domination. Ecosystems are inevitably full of suffering and pain, certain species gaining from the downfall of another. Yet they are also full of examples of immense interdependence, mutuality, and cooperation. As Arundhati Roy has said:

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.“

The question is how she will look like when she arrives.

[violetbeachpod]

TRANSCRIPT: 1x03 - Moments of Mystery

it’s me again. here’s a third transcript. i love writing benji the very most. thank you.

BENJI:

Hey, everyone, it’s Benji here to guide you through another moment of mystery. That’s catchy, I think. Teresa shut it down when I put it in the group chat, but. I like it. And Elaine liked it. Nobody else did, but only Teresa shut it down. But I like it! It’s alliterative, and it’s catchy. See, you gotta sell shit with a title, like--a title is a mini-thesis, right? Your mission statement in, uh, I’d argue seven words or less, cuz after that, you’re getting too niche. 

Like you’re some kinda whiny sellout pop-punk band, or a tortured academic who can’t come up with any substance for their dissertation so instead they’re writing their entire life story on the title page after a colon, or somewhere on the spectrum between the two. And there is a spectrum, I think, and it does not include every single type of person. I think, in the middle, we have white PTA moms and also maybe me back in high school.

So. Moments of mystery. Now, listeners, I’m a self-proclaimed expert on weird shit. And I (maybe legally?) have to say self-proclaimed, cuz I have had some people email into my podcast that are pissed off about my lack of certification in the field. Because apparently, these days, we don’t trust non-degree-granted expertise. Hmph. Trust me, I’m working on it, though. I’m super working on it. Not sure if the university offers a cryptozoology/paranormal investigations program, but, hey, if they need a guy to start one? They know my name. And my number. And my email. And my address. Cuz I’m an alum. And also because I’ve emailed, called, and mailed them about this. Many times. I think the dean blocked my number? Which I might put on my resume, frankly, cuz the dean’s a dick and if he blocked me, I think I should consider that an honor.

So, anyway, as a self-proclaimed expert, I got this whole thing down. I can and I will. Weird mists? Absolutely. Moon-related prophecies? I got you. Specters and apparitions and what have you? Hell yeah. If there’s something strange--you get the gist. Call me. I got you. Moments of goddamn mystery. It’s a good title!

Now, though, let’s get to the point. What you’ve all been waiting for. That’s right, everybody, it’s time for updates on the weird stuff. We’ll get to theories, later, I just wanna get all the facts out there first.

First off: Benji Life Update, which is to say, uh, Danny and I are over, now. Unfortunately. It was mutual. So, I guess, no tape-clearance for Danny anymore. Sorry for those who made their tapes before me, who may have made their statements with Danny’s clearance in mind. It’s done. That part of my life is behind me. It was fun while it lasted, but, hey. All good things come to an end, right?

Second off: Time loop update. I refuse to call it Groundhog Daying like the others keep using in the group chat because fuck Bill Murray, but. Regardless. Time loop update. No new time loops! But yes new explanation as to what happened in the original timeline versus the real timeline. I’m not gonna get into semantics, here, but we are gonna call the day that got redone Timeline Prime. Like--the first time we did that day. Is Timeline Prime. The Primeline? Who knows. And the second one is Our Unfortunate Reality. So, anyway, in the Primeline, I opened the shop, and in Our Unfortunate Reality, Teresa did. Which made her miss her classes, and made me sleep through my alarm to drive out to Ainsley and pick up the merch deliveries. And, in the--

[Static]

DISTORTED VOICE:

Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle.

[BENJI]

BENJI:

So, anyway, uh. Basically, I should maybe fire myself? But considering that it’s my store, and I like to use the label ‘local business owner’ to introduce myself to people, I won’t. Ah, shit looks like my audio--my audio got rough, there. I’ll. I’ll check it back later. Sorry, listeners.

Speaking of the store, though, we have a new customer! Which, that’s not rare, necessarily, but we’re pretty reliant on our regulars. New people are always college students, right? But this person, he’s, like, fifty. Completely unremarkable. He keeps coming in, staring at the wall, and then leaving. One time, he took one of the complimentary temp tattoos that we give kids, so I guess he has kids? But he never says hi, never engages--he just. He stares. And I’m not here to judge, but, time-loop shit aside, I run a pretty tight ship, and, uh. I like to think of myself as somebody who knows everybody. Because, for the most part, I do.

So, like, it’s weird, right? Like--he doesn’t do anything, and, again, like. I don’t wanna judge, but--the thing is, I can’t remember a thing about this dude’s face. Just--he’s so, so boring. White dude, uh, average--pretty average height. No discernable features. And he--he spoke to me, once, and his voice sounded like it was through a dozen filters.

He said--uh. Shit. What did he say?

He said, uh.

Well. That’s noteworthy.

Anyway, his weird voice, and his, uh, his blandness, is a good segue into my personal favorite of the segments I’ve outlined. Which is to say, it’s Alien Time. Needs a catchier name, but. Oh well. That’s for later. It’ll come to me. Extraterrestrial Corner? Spaceman Zone?

So, here’s what we got, re colon the alien theory, and, look, I know some of you are sick of it. I know. But listen, Teresa keeps getting messages from her shadow-self or whatever about the moon, which is in space, and, hey, where are aliens from? That’s right. It’s space.

I sound batshit, which, fine, whatever, cool, great, but. Still.

And then, there are these creepy-ass people with entirely unremarkable faces. Which, again, not judging. I promise. But that I can’t remember anything that my guy said, even though I can remember his, like, cadence, or--that’s creepy. That’s paranormal. And that his voice was layered? That’s mega creepy.

See You Invader? As a title for this segment? It has some level of cleverness to it, I think.

Maybe? Vote now on your phones. Please. I’m--y’know, I’m sticking with it, I like it.

And then the school board that threw Char out of her speech thing. Those were--those were also kindq weird. And they seem similar to my experience.

But that she’s seen them before, that’s where it gets me, cuz you’d think, what with the, uh, what with the purple flashing sky and all, that, uh. That said aliens would have only shown up on New Years. But, see, that takes me to the idea that it’s been more of a slowburn, and that the Corielli board is, like, scouts, or something. That the big guys--which is to say, Teresa’s weird apparition lady, my new customer, those are the Big Bads. So, what does that mean about structure? Well, I’m glad you asked. See--

[STATIC]

DISTORTED VOICE:

Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence.

[STATIC]

BENJI:

So, in conclusion? Second moon maybe, aliens definitely, and ghosts very much so. Thank you.

So, next point, which is a question, rather than a point. Why us? Why the seven of us? Look, I get it, seven is a very literary number. If I were ghost aliens, which I am not, I would definitely go with three or seven people to fuck with. But are they fucking with us, or is there meaning behind it all?

So, uh. We all kind of knew each other? I guess? I was Facebook friends with Elaine, just cuz, as Robin’s honorary Alive Dad, I will be walking her down the aisle at their wedding, meaning there were only two connections to Elaine total, but everybody else at least sort of knew everybody else. And maybe it was the fireworks? Because Simon sold them to me out of his truck near the barber shop and told me to stay quiet about them. Though, also? They were probably illegal, so--

You get it. I know there are easier ways to get fireworks, but his are always so fucking cool and I wanted to feel proud in my pyrotechnic skills. But, hey, win some lose some, right? Right?

Or. No. I guess.

But. It can’t just be--in a situation this weird, it can’t be completely random that it was the seven of us, y’know? There’s gotta be the Big Prophecy, or the--the secret powers, or one of those things. The force that drew us all to that party at three AM, after everybody was already gone, the force that’s drawing us together. There’s gotta be something that brings this all together, that adds some kinda coherency, like--

I know that I shouldn’t expect storylines from life. That I’m--I’m not the main character in some story, that there aren’t cliffhangers or plot twists in this reality, but this reality feels like a comic book right now. So, yeah, I am waiting for Galactus to show up, or something. For some goddamned continuity, for something to click into place.

And that’s shitty of me, because nothing else has ever worked like that, so, uh, why should real-life-aliens work out like that? That’s pretty presumptuous of me. But, look. Listen.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a Mulder or a Dale Cooper or a Ripley or any given Rick Moranis character, and now--now I’m none of those. But this sorta thing, it gives me a chance, y’know? It--these are my monsters of the week, this is my search for the sister, this is me living out what was never written for me, y’know? It’s--I’m in this goddamn narrative, and even if this isn’t a narrative, I’m gonna make it one. Because why not! I--I’m working on self-love everyday, like Doc Claremont said. She’s my therapist. You know. Gotta get those life skills in place. Constantly improving. Letting myself be myself. Hell yeah.

So here’s the plot, so far, then. Seven outcasts--we’re all pretty outcast, I’d argue--stand alone on a beach, and, bam, flash of light, and bam, the world is dying, and then, darkness. Lost-style eye-zoom in, right, Michael Bay spin, and then we’re back on the beach. And then we get a coherent plot about time loops, and nothing else, because it is two-thousand-and-eighteen. And there are interwoven character webs, and interesting enough flashbacks, and--

And it makes sense. And it’s well-written, and it’s well drawn, and it has a really good cult fanbase that--you know. You get the gist.

Look, all I’m saying is that this doesn’t feel like it’s real, so why don’t we have fun with it? We’re seeing things that, as far as we know, no one else has seen before. We’re on the verge of something big, and. I don’t just feel it, I know it. In every corner of my mind, I’m sure of it. This is so important, this is--this is the most important thing I’ve done. And I’ve done a lot of important things, I think. At least a few of ‘em. I’m fairly accomplished. I can, uh, in the truly classic Sorkin-style, list my credentials, like--Graduated top of my class from Core--

[STATIC]

DISTORTED VOICE:

The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon.

[STATIC]

BENJI:

--ran a five k without ever walking, and also without that much training, which is an accomplishment from a me perspective. And I got my scuba license last week based on a gut decision! I’m accomplished as hell.

Seriously, though, what’s going on with my audio? It’s like--it’s not even, like, weird feedback shit, it’s just, like. A weird test screen where there should be a solid two minutes of audio. Weird. Is--maybe I should get better software? I heard that this cheapass one wasn’t reliable, but I didn’t see this in any reviews or FAQs or whatever; I--

Hm.

[beat, typing]

Okay, a quick troubleshooting search, that’s not a thing! That’s--that’s genuinely not a thing that anyone’s reported before. I screenshotted, but, uh, the screenshot won’t load? So. Uh. I’m gonna check this out. So. Signing off. Need a sign off.

I hope to share another moment with you soon?

Yeah, it’s a shitty title.

Okay, until next time.

[dear-mrs-otome]

50 More Interesting Questions

The last list of questions that made the rounds sucked, so I (@cavern-of-bells) made my own list! I’ll fill this out myself later, but here’s the blank one to get the ball rolling. The rule is: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Applesauce. I can eat just about anything, and I’ll try darn near anything once, but applesauce slays me. IDK man, the texture just....*shudder* 2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: When your sheets do that thing in the middle of the night, and the corner comes loose and you gotta fix it when you’re all groggy or else just sleep on bare mattress? Drives me crazy. 3. Have you got any useless talents?: I play a mean hand whistle, and abuse it liberally to play the theme to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Also I can wiggle my ears up, down, and in circles. 4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: I always wanted to be a dancer. Too short though, and never did it as a kid. Too old now. 5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: Tom Hiddleston. Mila Kunis. Natalie Portman. Idris Elba. Cha Seung-won 6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Reading. I used to get in trouble for reading too much - I’d sit up in my window at all hours of the night, reading by the light of our neighbor’s porch lamp. The worst punishment my parents ever came up with was taking all the books out of my room. 7. What is something you’re proud of?: I’ve had a couple of short stories published in a literary journal. I also worked as an editor for one, briefly. 8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Being chronically late. It’s so disrespectful, and just says that you care more about yourself than others. 9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: Neither? I tend to do my own thing, frankly. I’m happy doing either though. 10. What kind of student are/were you?: I was always fairly good, though I have a real problem with procrastination.  11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: On a whim, I sent a Myspace (remember that?) message to my old dorm friend from college years after graduation, a boy who lived on the floor above me and who I spent most of my freshman year pining after his roommate. When we finally connected, ostensibly for coffee just to catch up, he asked me if I wanted to actually go to coffee, or if I wanted to take a chance on the ‘Mystery Option’, as he put it.

I chose the Mystery Option, and we’ve been together for 11 years now.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: I hate anything related to parasites. Like, run screaming from the room if they’re in a movie or on TV. I still haven’t been able to watch any Aliens movie. 13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: Jane Foster, from the Marvel cinematic universe. She’s earnest and awkward and passionate and smart, and I love her so, so much. 14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I’m usually a happy drunk, who gets up to shenanigans.  15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: It takes me a long time. All of the men who’ve confessed to me have done so so? Fast? And I’m just...really? I never can reciprocate right away. 16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend is worth a thousand casuals. 17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: A bit of both. When it comes to certain things I’m a chaotic mess, and other things I’m a complete organizational neat freak. It’s mostly just a matter of how important it is to me. That being said, I can’t abide clutter for long. After awhile I lose my GD mind and have to straighten things up. 18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: An overstuffed window seat in an old Victorian manor, with a view of a rainstorm outside, with a pot of tea and a good book in hand. 19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: I have 3. One is thirteen, one is six, and one is two. 20. What was your favorite book as a child? Beauty, by Robin McKinley 21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: 50 Shades of Gray. And all of the Transformers movies, those look awful. 22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: Being alone. Driving a fast car on a warm summer’s night on a windy country road, with the windows down, radio up, just me and my thoughts and my hair loose in the wind. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. 23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: Barack Obama. I think he probably would make for fascinating conversation, and he’d handle the entire situation with grace and aplomb. 24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Take a very specific trip in Asia - fly in to Sapporo, ride the trains and such south through Japan, and take a ferry from Osaka to Busan, to fly home from Seoul. We have tentative plans for 2019, let’s see if those pan out! 25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: I tend to keep my opinions to myself, unless I feel pretty comfortable with the people I’m talking to. I don’t handle conflict well. 26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: Oh man, I tend to avoid most but...in the early aughts I had a terrible haircut, long in the front and super short and spiky in the back, and I thought it was so punk and cool. 27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: See the above answer ^ 28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: People who can make small talk easily. My husband is one of those, and I usually just stand back and watch in awe as he makes anyone comfortable in about ten seconds flat. He’s a champion schmoozer. 29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): People always default to kitchen gadgets for me, and I’m 100% ok with this. I have the best stocked kitchen I know. 30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: Sadly, no. I can still speak a smattering of French and Spanish, but nothing resembling conversational fluency. 31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Sometimes both. I love the outdoors and the silence and solitude of it all, especially a thick mossy forest of towering fir trees. (I blame being from the Northwest) But at the same time, I love the energy of a city and all the experiences you can have there. I’d die without new restaurants to try, or having a plethora of grocery stores to find whatever obscure ingredient I want from. 32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: Snorkeling. I am a passable swimmer at best, and deep water scares me, but there was just so much to look at! And TURTLES! I was too busy looking at everything to be even remotely nervous. 33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: Absolutely not. I’d rather crawl into a hole and die - I leave making a spectacle of himself to Mr. Otome, and I just watch with amusement from the sidelines. 34. Favorite holiday?: Halloween, all the way. We go big, decorate like mad, have a huge party, get hundreds of trick or treaters. I LOVE IT ALL. 35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: I’m a planner, at least for the big picture. I can fudge the details but I gotta have a framework or I go crazy. 36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) : I wish I could experience Mass Effect all over again, from the start. I’d still fall in love with my awkward digital alien husband Garrus, I know, but it’d be nice to do it all fresh. 37. What hobbies do you have?: I cook and bake, obviously. I sew, do a bit of cosplay, and I knit. I read anything I can get my hands on, run semi-regularly, and also enjoy writing.  38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: The ability to find lost things. I’m not even talking Important Stuff like the Ark of the Covenant or Amelia Earhart - I’d just like to reliably know where the eff I put my car keys most days. 39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: That I can sing so well. My speaking voice is meh and one of the things I like the least about myself, so when I do sing people are always shocked. 40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: That you have to live life for yourself. You can’t go about it deferring to other people’s whims or wishes - and there’s a time and a place to put your foot down and say, enough. There’s a difference between looking out for yourself, and being selfish.  41. Worst injury you’ve had? I’ve lived a pretty charmed life in this department. Maybe the time my little brother broke two of my fingers as a kid, smashing them with a rock. 42. Any morbid fascinations?: Serial killers and true crime stories. It’s awful and I cringe, but I love listening to those sorts of podcasts while I knit. 43. Describe your sense of humor: Dry and sarcastic. I’m the one who’s quiet for an entire conversation, and then comes in at the end with the cutting remark that has everyone both laughing and wondering where the heck I’d been the whole time. 44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: Honestly, as romantic as the past sounds, I know objectively how awful it all was for one reason or another. Whether it’s because health care was a joke, or women were treated horribly...but if I could have a perfect, romanticized version of the past, I’d say maybe 9th or 10th century Scandinavia. I love Vikings and Norse mythology. 45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: Opening beer bottles. I haven’t the foggiest clue why, but I always have to have someone else do it, or else I’ll end up wearing most of it. 46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: My first marriage. It didn’t even suck for any dramatic reason, it was just a bad decision and a mistake for the both of us, a couple of dumb kids - but like all of the best sorts of mistakes I learned an inconceivable amount, about myself and life. And I got a pretty killer son out of it. I’d never trade a sad day of it for anything. 47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): Ugly tattoo all the way, I think. I could always have it modified later maybe? 48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: I think I’m pretty optimistic actually. Or maybe just realistic. I don’t get flustered or worked up over much, because I definitely tend towards the ‘I’ve done what I can - what happens now will happen and there’s no sense wasting energy worrying over what I personally can’t change.’ 49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: Compliment me on something I chose, or thought, or created. Compliments on looks are meaningless, since they’re entirely out of your control. 50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: I’m always labeled the quiet one, and some people let that mistakenly translate to apathy or disinterest.

A lot of the people I’d tag were already done, but I’d like to see answers from @deathatintervals @catchthespade @amigoingbananas and @fooljshgirl

[nancydsmithus]

Making Peace With The Feast Or Famine Of Freelancing

Making Peace With The Feast Or Famine Of Freelancing

Liz Elcoate

2019-08-02T14:00:59+02:002019-08-02T12:05:19+00:00

It’s embarrassing to admit — particularly as I host a podcast about this very subject — but I dramatically dropped the ball when it came to booking in projects for this past spring. It just suddenly happened. I was finishing up two major contracts and had the next one in the pipeline. Then out of the blue that client postponed indefinitely and my two big contracts finished and I was left with no work — nothing, zip, zilch.

I’ve been here before for a week or two at a time so the panic didn’t kick in immediately. A week passed and I caught up on a few things and wrote a bit. I updated my portfolio and recorded some podcast episodes. When week two rolled around with no enquiries I put out a lazy tweet saying I was looking for work at the same time as contacting some previous clients and colleagues to see if they had anything that they might need me on. Still nothing. Then week three and week four came and went rapidly and by the end of the first month I was feeling physically ill with panic and worry.

The Panic

The worry wasn’t just financial - financially I was okay for a little while - it was also centred around what this lack of work said about my abilities and my worth.

“

By the beginning of month two I’d stopped sleeping. I was round robin-ing friends and colleagues in wild eyed desperation hoping that they might miraculously have an answer for me. I felt isolated and scared. I was also scattergun-ing job advertisements for anything — full time, contract, part time, freelance — something that would end the worry. And that was the strangest thing of all. The worry wasn’t just financial — financially I was okay for a little while — it was also centred around what this lack of work said about my abilities and my worth.

I just kept wondering why this had happened. I blamed Brexit, the patriarchy, my sex, my age, but more than anything I blamed myself and my obvious huge lack of talent. Why hadn’t I realised it before, why had no one else realised it before?

The Shame

While this inner turmoil was going on I was maintaining an aura of calm to the outside world as I didn’t want anyone to realise I had spectacularly failed. I didn’t want anyone to know how I’d gone from being a relatively successful designer — who’d worked on some brilliant projects with some brilliant people, who wrote about brand design, who hosted a successful podcast, who got asked to speak regularly on the subject of design — to being found out as a talentless fake. I can’t put into words how isolating this was. Feeling it was impossible to be honest about the position I was in to the majority of the people I cared about. I think a few people guessed and I was honest with others close to me but I was in a downward spiral of shame.

The Truth

As I always do when things are tough I decided honesty was the best policy. I thought I would write an article about the position I’d found myself in and the impact it was having on my mental health. I didn’t want to write a how-to-find work piece — there are a million of those — but a piece on the mental implications quiet times can have. Firstly though I needed to talk to other freelancers about their experiences and what better place to do that than on Twitter.

So I asked the question:

I’m writing a thing about freelancing and the feast or famine merry-go-round. If you’re a freelancer what’s the longest period you’ve been without work/new project coming in?

— Liz Elcoate (@liz_e) June 26, 2019

It’s fair to say the answers took me by surprise. Not only had other freelancers been through this but they had also had significant periods of time without work, it was far more common than I had realised.

Times varied from one month to six months to two years without paid work. Most common was around two to three months. But quite a few people also mentioned that they had sustained periods where they had work but it wasn’t enough to pay the bills (something I had definitely experienced). It was also suggested that the quiet times are seasonal which seemed obvious when mentioned but not something I’d really thought about until then.

One person who replied had had to go on benefits, a few others had taken full time roles (of course with the result being that the minute they accepted the position they had a deluge of enquiries from new clients). There were others who had had to use tax money to live on.

Some freelancers had taken on alternative types of creative work such as writing, journalism or creating their own courses.

The Fallout

It was clear that I was not alone and that this was a common pattern for a lot of people. The thing I was most concerned about though was how people coped with this from a mental health stand point. Did it affect other people as dramatically as it effected me?

So I asked Twitter, “What did you do to stay on top of the anxiety and worry when work was dead? Did you manage or did it impact your mental health?”

This to me was the most important question of all. Until this point I hadn’t realised that my self esteem is utterly tied up in my work, so when I’m busy I think “Brilliant, I must be pretty good at this” and when it went quiet I immediately thought “Everybody has realised I’m a talentless idiot”.

Worryingly it seems that I am not alone and this is an all too common feeling. Pavithra Muthalagan replied saying that

Sometimes I feel unemployed even when my bank account is telling me things are fine.

and

… There’s some ingrained mentality defining “success” in a extremely limited/limiting way… imposter syndrome is always hovering over my shoulder

I get this on all levels, it was exactly my experience. My bank account was okay but I felt profoundly unemployed and unemployable. This was far more worrying to me than just the financial impact. I was deeply disappointed that my self esteem and identity were so tied up in how many projects I had on.

Katherine Cory replied to my question about the impact these quiet periods have had on her mental health:

It definitely can. Just the worry of not being able to pay bills can be paralysing but then it becomes a downwards spiral. You take on work you probably wouldn't normally (jobs with red flags) just to be able to pay the bills & then that impacts your mental health even more.

— Katherine Cory 🐝 (@KatherineCory) June 26, 2019

This is a scenario I have also experienced in the past, taking on difficult clients for little money just to get some work in but then the whole project being a nightmare and ending up worse off financially and mentally.

The Positives

But it seems these difficult and stressful times can also be used for growth.

Ben Tallon wrote:

Early on, it used to savage me - self doubt, why is this happening etc. These days they often become the most valuable windows to develop/create the work that brings the good stuff in.

— Ben Tallon Illustration Studio (@BenTallon) June 26, 2019

I love this idea and Ben’s attitude. Viewing these times philosophically and finding value in them is a great way to make peace with the up and down nature of freelancing.

Jon Hicks shared his experience:

The anxiety can be crippling, and demotivates you from doing the things you enjoy that can actually help (in my case cycling). I rediscovered birding, and being out in nature has definitely been the best cure.

— Jon Hicks (@Hicksdesign) June 27, 2019

This was a common theme. Getting outside in nature and pursuing your passions or just having a ramble. Running and upping the time you exercise in quiet times was another great suggestion that several people made. Anything that takes you out of your head and into your body and reminds you of the world outside.

My biggest problem was obsessing over the lack of work and how this defined me as a designer and person. Matt Essam who is a business coach said that he works with clients on this and refers to it as a “scarcity” mindset. He wrote:

I’ve found the only cure to be massive, consistent action. Picking up the phone, going networking etc.

I completely agree with this point however I need to acknowledge it is more easily said than done, especially when your confidence is already rock bottom and you’re riddled with anxiety.

There were other great ideas too. Several people suggested alternative unpaid work — maybe writing or volunteering. Others used their time to learn something new — a coding language or design technique.

One particular reply that really stood out came from Jesse Gardner:

I actually started a little side project where I walked the streets of our nearest city and photographed/interviewed people. It brought me great joy in a time of potential anxiety/depression.

— Jesse Gardner (@plasticmind) June 27, 2019

Jesse started a project where he walked the streets of his neighbourhood photographing and interviewing people. There is a lot in this idea — not only does this kind of project keep you being creative and active, it also creates connection with other people, something fundamental to our mental well being. The completed project called Troy Stories: Stories from people of Troy, NY is inspiring and beautiful.

The Troy Stories Website (Source: Troy Stories) (Large preview)

The Why

It’s clear from the response I had to my Twitter questions that at times freelancing can be high risk both financially and for our overall well-being. Three months, six months or even two years without work is devastating. Being in a position where you have to claim benefits or you’re forced to use up all of your carefully saved tax money can lead to crippling anxiety and dramatic changes in circumstances. So it begs the question — why do we do it?

Ok another freelance ques. Reading all your answers today about periods of uncertainty, mental health issues, financial challenges begs the question - why do we choose to be freelance? Is it worth it?

— Liz Elcoate (@liz_e) June 26, 2019

My particular reasons for freelancing were complex — family, commitments, location, flexibility. I’m a lone parent without financial support and I live in a location where there aren’t many design agencies — particularly ones who would let me work flexibly. But everyone has their own particular reasons that make the uncertainty of freelancing worthwhile.

Naomi Atkinson wrote:

Absolutely. It can be scary/strained at times. But the creative freedom, flexibility of working hours (grabbing that walk/park bench to mull things over), control of working with who we want, and the ability to have as many side projects or businesses as we please… priceless 🙏

— Naomi Atkinson (@BrandedByNaomi) June 27, 2019

This next reply could have been written by me. For many people being able to get outside and walk their dog, and spend time with them is vital to their health and well-being.

I second Naomi. I’m a huge lover of having dogs in my life. Without being freelance/self employed I wouldn’t be able to have one. Can’t imagine a employer would be happy with me escaping for 2-3 hours midday to explore with the dog while making my hours up if needed on evenings!

— AnyForty™ (@AnyForty) June 27, 2019

Steve Morgan makes an excellent point that freelance gives him the opportunity to work with the type of clients he wants to work with in a way that he choses and in the hours that suit him. They’re some pretty compelling reasons.

I missed this tweet earlier. For me it’s: - Having the freedom to pick-&-choose clients, - Having the freedom to do the work the way *I* want to do it, - Having the flexibility to work whenever I want, e.g. not feeling forced into Mon-Fri 9-5.

— Steve Morgan (@steviephil) June 26, 2019

For many, employment just isn’t an option as Katie Cory and Adam Greenough confirmed in their replies.

One word: necessity.

— Katherine Cory 🐝 (@KatherineCory) June 26, 2019

Katie sums it up with one word: necessity. As someone who has ME or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome — Katie has to be able to look after her health, take days out and manage stress. Work when she can and rest when she needs to.

As someone receiving ongoing mental health treatment being freelance gives me freedom to be in control of my own workload and freedom to choose work that I want to do.

— Adam Greenough 👨🏼‍💻 (@adam_greenough) June 26, 2019

Adam’s reply shows that freelancing gives him the flexibility to be able to manage his mental health with ongoing treatment and operate his workload around that.

Personally, if I wanted to I am in a position to go back to being employed (my daughter is now at University) and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t tempting after the last few months. The thought of a regular income and being able to focus on the creative side of my work without the worry sounds very appealing. But there are also all the things I love and take for granted about freelancing — having time to spend outside, structuring my day how I want, the feeling of accomplishment when a project launches, the autonomy — so for now I am still on this crazy freelance merry-go-round and I’ve learnt a lot over this difficult period.

The Feast Or Famine Toolkit

So what can we keep in our physical and mental tool kit for those inevitable times when work is quiet?

Don’t attach our value to our lack of work.

We must define success for ourselves. It is ludicrous to feel worthy when we have a lot of work on and unworthy when we don’t.

This is based on an outdated limiting model of what success should look like, created during and peddled since the industrial revolution. We are one of the first generations trying to do things differently and redefine “success”. Success that encompasses life and health as well as work, and we should be proud of ourselves for that.

Drop the scattergun approach to finding work.

Don’t do what I did and sit at your desk everyday for 12 hours applying for literally anything — full time jobs, contract, freelance, temping, dog walking. Whilst I think that action is important, it has to be structured. I had got to the point where I had lost direction and was just taking a “throw enough mud at the wall and something will stick” approach. I feel the only thing I was projecting to potential clients/employers at this point was an air of desperation.

I feel the only thing I was projecting to potential clients/employers at this point was an air of desperation.

“

Schedule a specific amount of time each day that is dedicated to finding work. Determine your desired market and then target them in a way that works best for you. One book I read during my time of quiet was Anti-Sell by Steve Morgan. It has some brilliant tips for finding work and generating sales for people who hate selling, like me.

Connect with people.

Kind people have saved my life and my sanity over this period. My mate Andy was always up for a dog walk and let me moan at him, my friends on Twitter were amazing (shout out to Dave Smyth and Naomi Atkinson). Try and attend events where you can meet up with other freelancers. Evenings like Design x Business are great because they remind you why you do what you do and are filled with other freelancers. Never underestimate the power of a good freelance podcast too, there are tons out there.

Keep learning and studying in your chosen field.

Use this time to read some of those design or CSS books you bought but never had time to look at. Think about doing a course — they don’t need to be expensive, places like Skillshare have an enormous choice of brilliant subjects.

Create time in your day to do the work you really want to do.

Set a design challenge (like we used to have in the old days). You could create a brief for a made up dream client and a problem they need solving. Then go to town! Enjoy it, be creative. Remember why you chose this career. It’ll be fun and you’ll have something of value to add to your portfolio.

The work you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life.

— Jessica Hische

Get out in nature, it is life saving and it is free.

Studies have proven that nature-based activities have a direct and positive affect on mental health, anxiety and stress. Gardening, conservation and walking are all incredibly good for your mental and physical well-being. If you are able then exercising and running outside is also a great way to combat depression and help with sleeping.

Pursue your hobbies — creative or not.

This was a big one for me. I became locked into nothing but my inability to find work. Going back to the hobbies I enjoyed helped so much. They don’t have to be expensive. Films, cycling, painting, model making, knitting, woodwork, pottery, cooking — whatever takes your fancy. And never underestimate the joys of a good book for pure escapism.

Most importantly, don’t be ashamed.

As my conversation on twitter proved this happens to EVERYONE at some point or another. Even people who we assume are constantly over booked with work. Speak to people and be open and honest. It’s important to let people know you’re available for work. Constantly peddling this outward appearance of being super busy and successful can backfire and mean that people don’t approach you for a project as they assume you will be booked up. I know this has meant that I’ve missed out on exciting things in the past as potential clients assumed I’d be too busy.

Finally, try to grow a financial buffer.

I know, I know — easier said than done. If you’re reading this during a quiet period of work and you’re struggling financially then you may feel this is a case of closing the door after the horse has bolted. And if that is the case then try to focus on the points above and not too much on money. You’re more likely to get out of the dip sooner and with your mental health in better shape if you stay positive and don’t get in the scarcity mindset that I did. Money worries are so pervasive, I know whenever I experience them they can render me completely ineffectual.

With that in mind, when work has picked up again (which it will) start setting aside a little each month for a financial buffer. It is so easy to set up a savings account online. Sometimes you don’t even need to do that. Banks like Starling let you set up Goals on your current account which are like little individual pots that you can save money in and then just shift into your account when you need them. I was lucky I had some savings, other people tweeted stated that they used money they’d saved for tax (which can be a little risky depending on the time of year). The point is, that if you can have an account with a couple of months of money in then that will definitely ease the anxiety.

It is always worth remembering that a quiet period will pass, work will come back in — maybe even tomorrow. My biggest regret is that I let it affect my self esteem and self worth so much and made me doubt all of my accomplishments. It isn’t that your work is rubbish or everyone has finally found out you know nothing. Its just that at this particular moment in time you’ve not reached the people you need to reach or your services just aren’t needed. But rest assured they will be again very soon.

(yk, ra)

[mubal4]

A Daughter’s Beauty

 We discuss in the blog and on the podcast, a lot 😊, about working to get outside of our comfort zone.  Well, living in a house full of women can certainly do that.  Yes, I know, living in a household full of dudes is no prize picnic either 😊!  For the last 14 years (age of Alaina, our youngest), our home has been full of females.  Well, there were our dogs, all male coincidentally and we do have Bear now, a pup but all those conversations have been one sided and it wasn’t like we could go out for a few beers together 😊.  Haha – just some Friday humor there but being a father of daughters has helped me grow and learn over this time.  Dare I say it has made more sensitive? I’ve certainly gotten more vulnerable, but I also believe I’ve become more caring, I think more understanding, and even more patient.  I could go into some details on the depth of what I’ve learned but this is a family show – LOL – I am laughing at myself a lot today, forgive me.  

 Robin and I work very hard to prepare our girls to leave the home and become great adults.  We want them to be strong, independent, loving, compassionate, caring, tough as nails, and self-aware.  We want them to be respectful, to themselves and others; we expect them to be nice. These are some of our expectations for them, however, it is up to them on how to live their lives, with some guidance from us; but it does all come down to their decisions and holding themselves accountable.  

 Couple weeks ago I came across this wonderful and heart hitting All Pro Dad Article – “5 Ways to Compliment Your Daughter.” – I didn’t want to get too longwinded in the blog today; just wanted to share, add some thoughts and give us all some help along the way.  As I reread these, sure, I guess they can be viewed as “compliments” but I believe they are empowering statements that can be made, not only to daughters, but sons, and human beings in general.  How many disingenuous compliments do we receive on a daily basis? I think these do a great job of not presenting life in that “rainbow, unicorn, everyone gets a trophy” type of context.  I believe they can, if expressed in the proper way, can provide incredible power for anyone, and for me, especially my daughters.

 “I love watching you __________.” – I love watching my daughters take on this journey.  Yes, seeing Alaina play soccer again is awesome.  I love watching her play “her” game and seeing Isabella compete in gymnastics is amazing.  Both of those experiences bring me joy.  What I like more is when, in those situations, and during just a random day, seeing how they figure things out, specially when they get knocked on their ass.  I love watching them handle the hard situations and the challenges that yes, teenage girls face.  It is sometimes heart wrenching for me to have to see them deal with disappointment, loss, and, well, the shit that they sometimes deal with. But, watching them figure it out, without our help; I love that.  I love seeing them grow and learn.  They both are tough, and sometimes have that course exterior but they are kind and gentle souls.  I’ve witnessed both of them at times help out teammates or have heard about how they went out of their way to assist a classmate.   There are so many things I can pinpoint, but I just love watching them become great adults!  

 “I am proud of you.” – We are parents and yes, we are proud of our kids.  I am proud to be able to say that I am their father.  I am proud at who they are both becoming each day.  I say this to them both, often, I don’t give a shit about grades, scores, goals, wins, losses, or performance.  I care about the effort they put in each day.  If they can feel good about themselves and the commitment, they make each day in school, in sports, in chorus, drama, in friendships, in life, that is where I become proud.  I care about who they want to be and the level of effort they are putting into that.

 “You are important.”  - Do they know this?  Do we tell them this? How do we express this to our children?  I boil it down this way for me, and yes, it is selfless, but these two kids make me better every day.  They make me want to be better husband, father, and human being. At some point, they will likely meet someone they want to chose to spend their life with. Does that person make them feel important? If I can’t show them this and have them experience this, how will they know?  I want to ensure they know, in my eyes, they, along with their mother, are the 3 most important things in my life.  I think knowing that can take them a long way to realizing themselves, how important they are!

 “I respect you.” – Robin and I give our daughters boundaries and we believe; they are fair.  Yeah, sure, they’ve stretched them at times but, to this point, they have not given us a reason to not trust them.  I believe, they have earned that trust and therefore, respect. Before they leave the house, almost every time, I always make sure to say, “be respectful.” To themselves and others.  Sometimes it can be hard, being a parent to express that respect to a child. However, I think, and I know I have struggled with this in the past, if we, as parents don’t respect our children, why should we expect them to expect us, others, and themselves?

 “I love you.” – Every time I speak with my mom and dad, we end by saying, “I love you.” I am 46 years old and we know we love each other.  However, to say it and TO HEAR IT, well it warms the heart. I can go to the Circle K to pick up a coffee and the girls will say when I walk out, “I love you.” We say it at night, when we wake up, during the day; it continues to get stronger in meaning each and every time it is said.  Think about this, when we first feel in love right, and we got to that moment where you, or your partner at that time said, “I love you.” How incredible was the feeling?  Pretty awesome unless they gave you the “okay……. thanks” with the awkward “get me out of here hug.” 😊 – But that feeling you had – to know that someone loved you!  How greater of a feeling is it to know, no matter what happens in life, you will be forever loved?

 So Isabella and Alaina – know that no matter what happens in life, know that we will always love you, respect you, cherish you, be proud of you, and never tire of watching you both become great adults!

 “In each of my girls, I see gifts, talents, passions, kindnesses, and so much more.”  - Mike Landry

[socialattractionuk]

Stealing Peter Pan’s Youth To Become Playful Around Women (Podcast Transcript)

You can find the original article at http://www.socialattraction.co.uk Connect with us Google+

Hello and welcome back to today’s episode where we’re going to be looking at Peter Pan from the film Hook as portrayed by Robin Williams. Now, there is one character trait which I really want to focus on in this episode, which is the fact that he has got such an amazing imagination that was taken away from him.

Now, as we go through this podcast episode, I’m just going to talk about what happened in the film with Peter Pan and obviously, I’m going to relate it back to dating because I think there’s a lot of lessons that we can learn along the way.

So first of all, with the film, Peter Pan has grown old and I think he’s an insurance salesman and he’s, you know, got caught down with the stresses of growing a family, and trying to hit his targets. He’s very, very stressed and he’s actually forgotten what it was like or what he was like as a child.

And he’s really lost his imagination. I think when I think about that, I think how many of us are like that?

How many of us are too busy with setting ourselves too many goals and we feel overwhelmed by life and you know, life’s not fun anymore. There are too many stresses. We’ve got too many places to be, too many things to do, and it’s just rather chaotic. We kind of forget who we are within the realms of trying too hard to be great at everything. So I think a lesson that we can learn, first of all from that, is to just simplify your life.

I read a book a while ago called Essentialism, which is in a nutshell about saying no to everything and that frees up a lot of stresses in your life and just allows you to be more relaxed. And then if you still want to do something, you can commit to it, at a later date. And I certainly ascribe to that notion and it has had a big impact on my life because now I feel more relaxed and freer. I’m not really too committed unless it’s something that I really wanted to do.

So that’s like the first lesson. And then obviously, in the film, his kids get kidnapped by his old adversary Hook and he’s then put into chaos where he has to go back to Neverland to find them. And even when he goes back to Neverland, he still can’t remember who he was as a kid.

He’s kind of lost his essence and he really struggles to get it back.

Obviously, through the journey of the film, especially Robin Williams portrayal was brilliant, but when he finally gets his imagination back, there’s that scene where they’re all sat around having a meal and there’s no food there. They tell him you can imagine it and he does and at that moment, he really begins to see what it’s like to start living out what he was like as a child. And I think that there is … Watching that film, or watching this film, or looking at the archetype as an adult, there’s something to be said for that because as we get older we do tend to get a bit old and stagnant and stale.

When I watched that scene, it makes me realise how much I’ve lost my imagination as I’ve got older and how vibrant and excitable I used to be when I had that childlike quality, which as you get older you don’t possess. But when I watched that scene, it just reminded me, “Hang on a minute, who am I? You know, what am I excited by in life?”

Forget about all the nonsense and the day-to-day trivial things that don’t really matter. Who am I at my essence and you know, how can I be more excited about life and use my imagination to do it? And obviously, when Peter Pan does that, he starts to become a leader again and all of a sudden, all this energy comes back and he’s fun and everyone wants to be around him.

It’s so interesting because we all know people that have that childlike quality where we may think, you know, they’re not very responsible in their life but at the same point, they’re extremely fun to be around.

I think that there’s a balance here, between being in touch with who you are at your essence, and having that childlike wanderlust in your life, and then at the same point, obviously taking on responsibilities as you get older in your life. Obviously, after Peter Pan’s got his imagination back, he then begins to fly again. He gets all these amazing things that he can do. And really that’s just an analogy for your life because at any stage now, any one of us is able to use our imagination to think about how we can better our lives.

I think this is an area that’s not really discussed that well because you know, we’re not really taught that when we’re younger. I mean, yes, we have an imagination, but if you think now and about how bad your life is, we all have the ability to imagine that it can be better. And when we envisage a better life for our self, we begin to set that wheel in motion to actually start manifesting that in our life.

I think there’s something to be said here about taking time to retreat from the world and to spend some time really getting in touch with who you were as a kid.

You know, what excited you, what things did you love? And then just letting your mind wander. You don’t need to be so businesslike in everything that we do, just let it wander. You know, what kind of things could be exciting? Can I add more excitement to the way that I dress, to the way that I communicate? You know, what can I imagine my house to look like? Or just let it flow, just let it go and just … You’ll be amazed.

You know, all the things that came off of him … When I watched the film Hook, I really did that. And all of a sudden, like all these ideas, started coming to me about how I could make my events better. I just imagined my life better than what it was at the moment, and that just adds energy and that’s before anything’s even happened. That’s just my mind wandering. And that is, I think, a wonderful lesson for us all.

If we’re going to relate that back to dating, especially with regards to meeting women, I mean, when you have a vivid imagination, you’re going to be better at dating because you’re going to come up with better ideas. You’re going to have a more accentuated way of communicating because there’s going to be an energy and a resonance to your voice because you are imagining things to be better than what they are.

There’s just something about someone who has that quality that we just want to spend time and we want to be around them. Again, it’s always portrayed in films as having a childlike quality because typically as adults we don’t tend to have it.

Obviously, the film culminates with Peter Pan saving the day and saving his kids and everything living happily ever after. But I think really, the story of Peter Pan is really about someone that as he got old, the stresses of life affected him and he no longer had his imagination, and all the wonderful things that can come back when you have it.

I’d highly recommend watching the film because you know, as I say, I’m a lot older now than when I first watched it. And you really have like a more of a depth of character, to really understand what Spielberg was trying to convey in the film. It really makes you look at your life and your world differently.

It gives you a bit more hope that things can get better or that you can just keep developing and that all comes from your imagination.

I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s episode. I think that this whole, looking to imagination has really excited me and has made me kind of look at the world differently. And I’m looking for other archetypes to cover, and I came across Willy Wonka, the 1971 film with the Gene Wilder.

I think I’m going to cover that in the next episode because he again, is really the epitome of someone that uses imagination to create the world. So I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s episode and as I say, if there is a specific character that you’d like me to cover, then please just go to my YouTube channel, type in the Gary Gunn Show, and just make a comment and I’ll hopefully be able to give you a shout out on the show as well. Until next time …

  Listen to The Gary Gunn Show Podcast #17 – Stealing Peter Pan’s Youth To Become Playful Around Women



  Want to learn how to become more playful around women? – View our upcoming courses here

[wanderingaunt]

An Open Letter about Faith, Religion, and Freedom

This post is by far the most vulnerable, open, and difficult post I’ve ever written. It’s taken me several days to actually write everything out, and a lifetime to reach the point of being brave enough to share it. My hope is that you will read it from a place of love and acceptance, rather than from a place of judgment and disappointment. While this post is written for my own freedom, I know others out there who have struggled with their own faith and religious identity who need to hear it and need to know that they are not alone.

It’s nearly 10 pm on a Saturday night. I’m sitting outside at a Whole Foods drinking kombucha and distracting myself every which way to not write this post. One of my coaches encouraged me to just write. Don’t try to make it perfect. Don’t erase things that I’m afraid people will question or that I’m afraid to say.

Just write.

The truth is, I am a perfectionist when it comes to writing. When I write a blog post whether for me or for someone else, a podcast script or any other type of writing, I review every sentence as I go. Rather than just writing. This process takes longer, because I am fixing before I have even finished. Is this wrong? Perhaps not. I don’t think there really is a right or wrong process; it is up to the writer to determine what is best. But I recognize this approach can trap me or hold me back from just writing what I really want to say.

You may be asking, “Well, don’t you already write what you want to say, Robin?”

That’s a valid question. While on one hand I may look confident and fearless on social media (and even in person), on the inside I shrink down and hold back from fully expressing myself. I have things I want to say and yet hold back because others may not agree, approve, or like me. I’m afraid others may judge me or fire back at me and tell me I’m wrong.

And to that you might say, “Who cares? Be you!”

And while that may be easy for you, for me, it’s a real concern and fear. For most of my life, I’ve learned to suppress my words and say the “right thing” so that I’m not causing friction, and it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting to be one way for some and another way for others; to mold myself to fit others’ approval out of fear of being judged. I don’t believe that we always must share what’s on our mind or our opinions on everything, but if it’s something that is compromising who you are as an individual, why hold back?

So that is what this post is for me. It’s me expressing who I am so I’m honoring my own integrity with a full, open heart. It’s me allowing myself the freedom to fully be myself and no longer compromise who I am just to appease others.

If you’re completely confused or have no idea what I’m talking about, read on. Like I mentioned in the beginning, this is not an organized or perfectly written post. So bear with me as I digest my thoughts in whatever way they unfold.

What is one of your biggest fears?

I recently posted this question on Facebook asking people to share what they fear. I received responses ranging from harm coming to their children; not being good enough; getting cancer; dying penniless; death; failing at work or in life; paralysis; getting to the end of life and feeling like they missed out on what life has to offer. I was blown away by the amount of responses I received. And how different they all were. Yet even with the differences, they still carry a level of fear around something going wrong or happening outside of their control.

I responded to each comment with validation—acknowledging their fear and letting them know that I hear them and see them.

Fear is good for keeping us safe from physical harm. Without fear, we could be in real danger. But fear also blocks us from being ourselves, taking chances, speaking up, traveling, trying new experiences, and so on.

For me, my fears are around being rejected, abandoned, not liked, and being seen as a disappointment.

I have been a people-pleaser and conformist most of my life. We all have defining moments from our childhood whether we realize it or not. Something happens and we make an unconscious decision about always or never doing ‘x’ again. Without realizing it, we can live a whole lifetime based on a decision a child made.

When I was 7, I was playing with my dad’s chalk tape that he used for marking lines on sheet rock. I broke it and then hid it. I was afraid to tell the truth. I thought I could get away with it, until my dad found it. He asked who broke it. And I don’t quite remember if I confessed or if he found out some other way, but I got in big trouble.

From that moment on, I made an unconscious decision that I would always be on my best behavior. I’d rather be “good” then risk getting in trouble again.

And for the most part, I was. I was teacher’s pet—all my teacher’s loved me. I made sure my parents praised me for cleaning my space, staying organized, getting up on time, etc. I made sure I did and said the right things so people would like me.

I had no idea the impact this one decision (made by a 7-year-old) would have on my life.

To add to this, I grew up in a very conservative church. Everything appeared to me as black and white, right or wrong, good or evil. I remember hearing the term “Fear God” as a young child and thinking that if I messed up or sinned, lightning would strike down from the sky and hit me. As I grew older and understood more of who God is, I learned that fearing God was not like that. But as a young child, that’s exactly what I thought. This perspective created a lot of shame and guilt. I remember being afraid of sex, dating, drinking alcohol, cursing, not going to church 3x a week—that if I missed, I was in the wrong. If I went to a friend’s church that played instruments, they and myself were going to hell. Dancing was wrong. Homosexuality was wrong. It was a lot more wrong than right.

I remember meeting friends in high school and college and hearing them talk about “hearing God” or being “called” by God to follow a certain path. I never had that experience. I would pray, read my Bible, and learn about the characteristics of God but I never felt the connection like others felt.

But I was a “good” Christian, and would go to church, bible studies, take notes from the sermon—check all the dots.

It wasn’t until I began traveling internationally that I began to see another side to what it means to be a Christian and spiritual being.

I went to a Christian college and was exposed to other people in my group being from different religious backgrounds. I learned a lot from these friends, and I learned a lot from visiting various churches in Europe. It was my first experience of thinking, “There’s no way this person is going to Hell. They love Jesus and build their life around serving and honoring him.”

It was my first time thinking, “maybe the way I’ve been taught is not the only way.”

When I got back from studying abroad, I continued going to the church I had been going to prior to leaving. I had found some lifelong friends there and continued going because of them—and because I was afraid to step outside of the box. I enjoyed the preacher at the time. He was very philosophical, intellectual, and challenged a lot of beliefs I had learned when I was a kid. Yet, I never really felt at home there. I felt at home with the church community and my friends, but not with the denomination itself. But I didn’t see there being another way. I was a “good girl” and it wasn’t my job to stir the pot or question anything.

It wasn’t until I moved to Dallas in 2011 that I began to take a step back and consider other churches and denominations. I found a great non-denominational church and home group. Yet, when I would go back to Tennessee to visit, I wouldn’t tell people where I was going. I was afraid that they would find out and judge me or tell me that I was wrong by going somewhere with instruments and women having leadership roles. So I hid this side of my life and tried to avoid any topic around church or religion.

In 2016, I went on my very first mini meditation retreat. It was the first time I was exposed to a meditation practice. I was amazed at how connected I was to my body and my mind. And I was amazed at the clarity I gained through it. It was also around the time that I began a more regular yoga practice. Through yoga I learned to tune into my body and tune out the thoughts in my head. I received more clarity and found my spiritual connection to God increasing.

I took these meditation skills into nature and learned to be present to creation and the beauty around me. It opened me up to signs, wonders, and miracles that I otherwise may not have seen.

I was discovering a spiritual side to life that I had never experienced before. For the first time in my life, I was beginning to understand how someone could say that they “felt” God or how they were called to a certain purpose in life.

It took shedding my old religious ways to learn to embrace this deeper spiritual connection. Yet even with shedding my old religious ways, I’ve still felt trapped and afraid to say something.

No matter what the denomination or religion, many groups feel that what they believe is the “right” way and often the “only” way. Who am I to say that someone else is wrong for believing what they believe or don’t believe? Or say that just because I grew up Christian and was born in the United States, I’ll be saved and others won’t unless they convert? Each religion has its own conviction and belief. I do believe that the Bible is inspired, and I also know that there are so many translations and interpretations out there. And lots of debate over which translation is most accurate. But it still comes down to me believing one way, and someone else believing another. Even typing this, I am wanting to erase it because I am afraid of all of the comments I’ll get questioning this view. And that’s okay. You don’t have to agree with me.

In 2018, I took the plunge and quit my corporate job to follow my dream of traveling the world. When I left to go to Thailand, I had such a sense of freedom come over me. Aside from studying abroad for 3 months in 2004, I had never lived outside of the “Bible Belt” (aka southern U.S.). It was the first time in my life that I felt free to explore my faith and spirituality, and discover what it is that I believe. With this freedom also came suffering. After being in Thailand for a week or so, I became extremely sick. I was in bed for nearly 2 weeks. I allowed my body to purge whatever it needed to and heal itself. I learned the true meaning of what it is to surrender and let go of control. I believed that the illness happened so I could heal from the trenches of old beliefs, hardships, and old ways of thinking. I learned through this experience that we often store pain and trauma in our bodies, and until we make a conscious effort to heal ourselves internally, we may continue to be sick or in pain. If you think this theory is totally absurd, read Louise Hay’s book Heal Your Body or check out my friend Brook’s site Emotional Body Mapping.

When I returned to the states after nearly 2 months abroad, I reverted back to my old fears. My 7-year-old “good girl” self took over. I was afraid of being judged for how I was choosing to connect with God and for not attending church wherever I went. So again, I distracted myself and stayed extremely busy so others wouldn’t question my lifestyle. Because, honestly, at this point, I was still on my own spiritual journey and taking time to question, dissect things, and discover more of what it is that I believe—not what others told me I should believe.

It's been a journey since then, and I still find myself living dual lives. When I’m traveling or with people who I believe accept me, I’m more of myself. When I’m around people who I fear are judging me or don’t approve of how I’m living, I hold back and suppress certain parts of me. I be the person I think they want me to be. This is not authentic. Neither role I’m playing is. I will never be who people want me to be or who they think I should be. I can only be me. I’ve held back out of fear of losing friends and out of fear of being a disappointment to my family. While that could happen, the bigger loss is being a disappointment to myself. And I can’t risk that anymore.

I acknowledge all of you who have reached out to me over the past couple of years questioning what I believe and how I’m living my life. Asking me if Christians can do yoga and how I believe yoga transforms my soul; wondering why I don’t mention God more in my blog and in my social media posts; being offended that I’ve said the f word in podcasts and worried about what others and God will think of me; telling me I’m not marriage material; being concerned for me doing meditation and being too focused on my inner self; instructing me that as long as I stay on the straight and narrow path, I’ll live a beautiful life, and if I don’t, destruction will come. For sharing your concerns about how I dress in photoshoots and your fear that men want to do harm to me.

I know it is not easy to see me as someone other than who you thought me to be. I understand that by me coming out from religion and unveiling all of this, it may challenge you to consider other thoughts, and you didn’t ask for that. I understand you may not agree with anything that I’ve written and may be concerned for my soul. I am not trying to hurt you, disappoint you, or tell you that you are wrong. We are born with free will and have the right to believe what we wish to believe and have the freedom to be vulnerable and share what’s there for us (speaking for the U.S.).

I also acknowledge those of you who read this and think, “What’s the big deal? Why do you care so much about what others think or if they accept you or not?” I understand that you may not understand where I am coming from, and that’s okay. I understand that you may have ill-will towards the church and religion, and if you have been ostracized, I am sorry that happened to you. Like the hate that is seen in this world, fixed beliefs and excluding groups of people from the church, is a very small percentage and does not embody all Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindu, etc. I believe there is more love in this world than we often give credit for.

I love and honor all of you.

As for me and my journey:

I love and accept myself for the woman I am.

I honor all the ways I challenge my thinking, consider others’ beliefs and views, and love others because of our differences.

I own all the lessons I have learned in life and believe there are no mistakes; only moments that continue to make me stronger and lead me to my highest self.

I am grateful for the foundations I received through my upbringing and for my parents giving me the freedom to be my own person.

I love, honor, and cherish my family, friends, and relationships close to my heart.

I wish to be a role model for my nieces and nephews and show them that they can be who they want to be in this world.

I find beauty in my brokenness and the brokenness of humanity.

I am grateful to have the freedom to express my thoughts and beliefs. I realize that many religions and cultures do not have this luxury.

I hold true to my faith in God and all the ways that expand my own spiritual growth.

I believe that Love is the greatest command, and we could all stand to embody it more and extend more of it to others all over the world no matter what religion, background, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender identity they are.

I share all of this so that I can fully be myself and not hold back any longer, and so I can set my little 7-year-old self free. And while my fear around how this will be received is great, freeing myself from the constraints I’ve placed upon myself is greater. I imagine a world where we all feel brave enough to share our true selves, and that when shared, others will validate it and receive it with love and acceptance.

From my open heart to yours,

[mubal4]

Good to Know!

 Revisited a YouTube clip from Robin Sharma that I made a note to watch many, many months ago.  It is about a few things he wished he knew when he was 20.  I stumbled upon it back then after reading one of his books and went down that proverbial rabbit hole. Obviously, it made some connection with me because I noted it in my journal to come back to later.  Today was that day.  Being transparent, in the last few weeks I have not been driven to write as much as previous weeks.  I’ve put a few things out there, but it has seemed that whatever message I wanted to deliver lately, felt better via podcast rather than blog.  It’s all good and have been leaning into it but really wanted to write something today.  The process helps me decompress a bit, provides a freeing feeling, and gives me the opportunity to let go of things that are on my mind. I don’t believe I have been holding stuff in but in the last few weeks, there has been some stress, anxiety, and some moments of overwhelming feelings that; I believe, would have been relieved from writing.  Much of that has been released in the last couple of days.  I am sure many can relate to this, but it had much to do with just showing up and staying consistent with my process.  Yes, during those “stressful” moments, there is also frustration and that desire to have the pressure subside.  We are really fighting time and our own thoughts in most of these circumstances and, although many times, showing up and staying consistent is not all that fun or “sexy,” it is necessary.  Then, after much time of chipping away at something, you finally break through.  All part of the process of growth, which Mr. Sharma eludes too in the video.

 So today, as I sit in quiet home this afternoon with Bella at practice and Robin with Alaina at the dentist, and, of course, Bear sleeping in the other room, I decided to write.  The topic, nuggets that I had as takeaways from the linked video above.  I am attacking this like a Journal Journey, sharing the quote and then letting my thoughts fly.  Again, cleansing for me and I hope a nugget for someone out there to share.  Let’s see where we go.  

 “Delete the people that will steal your joy.” – Had to laugh when I heard this considering circumstances.  Open up social media or turn on the news and you want to delete a lot and I am sure many have done just that.  You get the point though, move away from those that are bringing you down. Can be hard sometimes, specially if it is someone close to you and Mr. Sharma talks about this; limit those interactions.  I became aware of this concept several years ago and I started to go cold turkey; just stopped interacting and engaging with folks I’ve known for many, many years. Didn’t mean I don’t love them anymore, just didn’t want to expose myself or my family to the draining, negative, victim outlook.  Tough and I like how Mr. Sharma pivots a bit on this by stating we should engage more with those that “elevate our joy.” Sounds much better doesn’t. Who does that for you? Fortunately, I have many I lean on to elevate my joy, Robin and my girls to start; family – mom, dad, siblings, aunts, uncles and a number of very close friends.  Actually, you can probably do that same social media thing there too; there may be a ton of vitriol out there but there is also a number of folks, at least I am fortunate enough to be connected that put out some incredibly funny stuff. I mean, this shit is laugh out loud type of funny so to you folks, thanks for the laughter.  

 “Everything that happens to us is for growth.” – Sometimes it is extremely hard to have this type of clarity when shit goes south.  If you tell those that have lost loved ones, those that lost their jobs, or those that maybe sick or ill that, “this is all happening for your growth,” they may slap the crap out of you. It’s tough to have that frame of mind during tragedy.  But, good quality to have as you reflect on the moment and things come into perspective. Mr. Sharma continued with, “A bad day for the ego is a great day for the soul.”  I think that ties it together well.  I’ve found when I have those bad moments, or even those bad days, sometimes weeks 😊, I let the circumstances get to me and can lash out at Robin and the girls; or more specifically, myself and be mean.  It happens but each time, once that dust settles and I have time to reflect, I learn something.  An example is not to be a dick and be better with my response to a shitstorm.  It is a practice and yes, it is work but there is progress.  There is a part in the video where he talks about how reality isn’t rainbows, unicorns, and puppies so being positive and seeing those moments of growth aren’t top of mind all the time.  Awareness is key and being able to come back to those moments where we may not have been our best version is what is important; and then being able to work on it from there.  I think that is key.

 Good lead in there 😊

 “It matters who you are becoming and how far you traveled. Not what others are doing.” – This is that self-awareness thing again. I also think forgiveness and what are the stories we are telling ourselves? How are we talking to ourselves?  When we set out for something, we tend to think about the end result vs. where we started; more importantly, who we were when we started.  Then, we drag in the comparison, “well Bob is here now, and I am only here.” One self-deprecating thought leads to another and another and before we know it, we are at the starting line again.  It is okay and it will happen throughout all processes.  You can practice for years and those thoughts will continue to creep in; still happens here.  Reflecting on the progress helps me and yes, it could be progress as it relates to that specific task, training for a race or learning a new skill for example. However, where it truly resonates with me is when I think back, way back, to the person I was over a decade ago. It is hard to see changes in ourselves from day to day.  We don’t see enough progress there; we want to, and we tend to judge ourselves on that. But look at the long-term progress; you can grow a far way over a decade, specially when that decade throws a lot of situations at you that aren’t ideal 😊.    

 “The most loving person in the room wins.” – For me, I can break this down simply, don’t be a dick.  Again, not saying you have to be all sunshine and rainbows but be kind and sincere.  Mr. Sharma said something else, “when you take care of the relationship the money takes care of itself.”  Can be a metaphor in some cases and we are not going to connect with everyone.  Yes, we will have different opinions and beliefs but that also doesn’t mean we have to be a dick to that person or hate that person because of them.  I think respect is huge here and we are losing, or in many cases have lost, our respect for one another; for human decency, and for hell, common decency.  We don’t have to love everyone and everything, but we can certainly find compassion and respect for each other.

 Can we be authentic and weird? Can we be kind, caring, and compassionate? Can we be that person that others want to be around? Yeah – we can.

[mubal4]

Feeding the Wolf

 Full transparency, I was not all jazzed up for my Father’s Day yesterday.  It entailed driving 6 hours from San Diego, CA back to Phoenix, AZ. We decided to get out of the heat for a long weekend and Alaina, our youngest, who has a friend visiting for a few weeks, decided we should go to San Diego.  The girls missed out on a trip to Mission Beach last year with Robin and I so we felt it was a very good idea.  Alaina and Robin found a nice AirBnB and we headed out on Thursday, with the puppy, Bear, coming along.  The long weekend was awesome, as it usually is when we go to Mission Beach.  Weather was fantastic, food was great, and yes, beers certainly tasted good.  We walked every morning, and evening with the puppy and he did very well.  He was great in the car rides, and, except for some barking, he was very well behaved; it being his first full week on the leash/harness, after getting all his shots.  The girls had a great time and, Robin and I got some time to walk, talk, and reconnect. It was wonderful to get out of the hot temps, get into the ocean, and create some more memories.  California has been slowly opening things up, specially in SoCal, but masks were highly encouraged in most places when moving around.  The same is beginning to take place back here in Phoenix with the rise of cases going on; so, I guess the trip to California was a training exercise. 😊

 The trip was a good interruption and break, and, like most vacations, we indulged and enjoyed ourselves 😊.  Fortunately, I did get some great runs in, with a different scenery; many walks with Robin and Bear and filled up our favorite foods!  But responsibilities started back up today, and we drove back home on Father’s Day!!  Heading back to Phoenix, with Covid cases rising, temps in the 110’s, wildfires burning, and many other things going on in our world, it is hard not to want to be back at the beach enjoying an ice cold beer on the patio!!  

 So, what wolf do wee feed?

 This morning was an early start, since Robin and Isabella had to head out early.  My day started a little slower than normal, adjusting back into reality after shutting things down for a few days.  It could have been very easy to let my mind focus on just that, “reality.” Then a nugget came across my eyes while reading The Seven Decisions by Andy Andrews.  There was a short story about the fight of two wolves within.  Maybe you folks have come across this but here is a quick summary!

 “An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:

 “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

 “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

 He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”

 The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

 The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.””

 Timely nugget!!  I could have easily fed the bad wolf. Actually, I began to; delayed getting out of bed, started bitching to Robin about work stuff, moped around for a few minutes.  But I took a first step; I meditated.  Then I prayed.  Then Robin and Bella left so I spent time with the pup to make sure he had his breakfast and was set.  I just moved forward with small steps.  I then read, listened to a podcast while I checked emails and got things going for the day, and now I am here, writing.  As easy as it was to feed the evil wolf, and as difficult as it could be perceived to be to feed the good wolf, both are quite simple.  

 There are those few moments, like after a great vacation, where I feel sorry for myself.  “Wish we were back at the beach today,” or the, “you know what we were doing yesterday at this time?”  I am smiling as I type this because it sounds so silly.  I guess it is normal.  Hell, we had a great time, nothing wrong with reminiscing about it; Facebook automates those memories for us.  It is certainly easy to take that approach, bitch, and moan about not being in that moment right now.  What has helped me move on………. not move on, wrong phrase, but start moving forward, I guess.  I don’t believe there is any wrong with remember great moments.  We create them for a reason, to remember them.  However, I know I am guilty, I sometimes get stuck in wanting to be in that moment again compared to “real life.” In our current times, damn, I am sure there are many of us that want “things to be back the way they use to be.”  Gratitude plays a strong role in getting things going again.  That can be coming off a great vacation or it could be getting your health back.  I think every day we all face moments where we don’t want to do something.  That can be a big something or a little something. We begin listening to the bad wolf and that wolf can be incredibly convincing.  The feeling of guilt is a particularly strong one for me to battle.  It is much easier to find guilt in my actions that its empathy and faith sometimes.  Working with others, much easier; when I am talking to myself though, working through it is much harder.  But it comes; we start moving forward having gratitude for the experience and moment we had; but also having gratitude for that next step and where we are going now.

 Being kind to ourselves, loving ourselves, having empathy for ourselves, and forgiving ourselves is sometimes hard.  I’ve found it something I need to practice at and the more I start being kind to myself and forgiving myself, the easier it becomes to do the same with others.

 Something that can be incredibly helpful today! 😊

[mubal4]

Friday Perspective

 Today’s plan was to have an easy start to the day. I was up very early yesterday and have the same plan tomorrow to get early runs done but today I wanted to get some more rest in, so no alarm and, it being a holiday weekend, things were going to be slow anyway.  Therefore, I was able to get a bit more rest then got my typical routine started. When I run out of podcasts to listen to, usually on Friday’s 😊, I hit up YouTube and scroll through to latch onto something.  This morning’s options were enlightening to say the least.  It was a compilation of a few videos with different folks but, at least from my perspective, similar messages.

 There was a stop after I wrote that first paragraph. At that moment, Robin came into my office and we had a great conversation.  We talked for about 20 minutes and I shared with her what I was feeling.  I believe I have gotten better at being vulnerable with Robin over the years and she does an awesome job working with me on that.  It has certainly helped me grow and I believe it has certainly improved our relationship.  I am sure there are moments where I can be a bit overwhelming 😊 and possibly share too much 😊, but we’ve gotten much closer throughout the years. The first thing I heard from the videos I tuned into an what got my mind going at first was this quote by Brian Blanchard:

 “I don’t want a friction free life.”

 Creating situations that are not ideal is something, I believe, I am pretty good at 😊.  It may seem as an addiction in some cases (see my story from last Saturday’s run) but I know putting myself in uncomfortable situations and given me the chance to grow, and be a better husband, father, and human being.  Plus, it has enabled me to share these experiences with my family, and others, to help them do the same.  However, this can potentially lead to a feeling of, “am I enough” and this is something that Robin pointed out in our conversation this morning that we will get too.  

 As I continued listening earlier, I cam across another interesting quote, I think related to above (unfortunately don’t know who said it):

 “What life am I capable of living?”

 When I heard that, and this is an area that I desperately need to work on, my thought went to, “I can do more.”  Now, that isn’t such a bad thing, wanting to be more and create more.  However, when those thoughts blind what you have done, what you have created, where you have come from and, who you are………. that can be damaging.  Fortunately, my thoughts didn’t stay there but they did go there.  To break out of that valley, so to speak, I thought about what we created last weekend with the Poolside 50k fundraiser.  It was fresh in my head and helped me realized what we/I am capable of. Then, I can across this last quote (again, didn’t capture author):

 “How do I want to create myself?”

 What we/I have created over the last several years came to mind and I did feel a great sense of gratitude and joy.  But my head then turned to the previous quote and thought, what MORE can I do, give, create, build???  Two things occurred to me at this point; 1) I completely lost focus on where I came from, the work I’ve put in, and whom I’ve become on this journey. 2) For some reason, what I have created over this time, who I created, wasn’t BIG ENOUGH.  

 The conversation with Robin helped me tremendously and I am grateful she takes the time, patience, and love to bring me back together 😊.  I share these insecurities because I believe we all have times where we have these thoughts. Am I enough? Am I doing enough, being enough, creating enough? Who am I and do I need to re-evaluate my journey, my path? I believe self-awareness is a powerful thing and I also believe we all can get better – whatever that may mean to us individually.  Circumstances have created, potentially, more opportunities for time to self-reflect.  Sometimes that is not necessarily good…..for me 😊.  Here is my point and I will start closing this up with what Robin said to me that helped me realize I need to get better at letting go & letting life come to me.

 She said, “you don’t have to be great every day.” My first response to her was, “but I want to.” I want to be great for her, for my daughters, for those that I have the great fortune to possibly impact.  Huh, I just realized, as I was writing that last sentence………trying to attack this in the best manner; hard when you are writing and much easier if I was speaking it 😊, but what the hell, lets go with it.  

1.       Greatness is perspective – what one person thinks is great may be shit to another.  So, with that in mind, what does it matter?  How do YOU define greatness?

2.       To quote Robin today, “you are not going to be great every day and that’s okay.”  - This is the quote right and where I will expand below:

 Say that in the world of Mike (stay with me 😊), everything was rainbows, sprinkles and unicorns? All was right in the world and every day was a great day!!  Meaning, everything worked according to plan.  There were no obstacles, struggles, adversities, disappointments, loss, sadness, guilt, shame, inconveniences?  What type of standards would we have to replicate each day to sustain that life?  What type of lessons would that be teaching my daughters? Would they get conditioned that life is easy and this is the way of the world?

 Trying to be great each day is impossible and exhausting.  I need to start working on just letting each day, be great!!!!