#I simply do not want to work anymore
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me: I don’t want to go back to work
also me: applies to jobs everyday
me: they’ll call me and I’ll be working by next week 😭😭😭
also me: why haven’t they called? 😡
#I simply do not want to work anymore#gives me awful anxiety that even my medication can’t help#tw anxiety#but also bc of my health I have bills to pay#but also I don’t wanna lose my good insurance
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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100% don't punish the growl and listen to your dog and your puppy is not an evil mastermind AND ALSO seeing how Melis behaved today and latey, feeling very validated in our approach to her outbursts of screaming thrashing gnashing teeth being less "sorry sorry never mind" and more "ok buddy are u sure though"
time will tell if she has another ride on the melty brain hormone train coming (Sparta didn't - but she might) but at this moment in time, Melis is a pretty tolerant, people-oriented, socially intelligent little dog who's displaying some very pleasant traits. and who has not growled or snarled or gotten near threshold in many months. at this rate our worst puppy might end up our best dog
#her impulse control is tons better (as one expects when they start to hormonally mature a bit)#and its not so much about teaching her to moderate her behaviour anymore as it seems like she finally understands#that the best way to the best outcome for her is simply to#behave. and take it easy. and trust us and the environment to make things work out in good ways#conflict free resolutions etc#to be fair i think melis has ALWAYS been socially intelligent#i dont think she wouldve adopted the behaviour style she had if she wasnt. she learned VERY EARLY (pre-8wks)#that if she blustered big enough she'd win anything. and that became the most convenient and successful way for her to behave#so all we really had to do was make that behaviour inefficient. not punish it - that wasnt necessary#because the wanted behaviour requires less of her than the unwanted one does#anyway i love her and her remorselessness to bits and now we can foster her need for chaos and violence in productive and harmonious ways#<3
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attack for LittlePiggyBojangles
#this might be my last attack for af this year unfortunately >_<#i really gotta buckle down and work on some other stuff so i just dont have time anymore#im really sorry to the mutuals and friends i didnt attack or revenge!! and other cool folks i wanted to revenge#theres quite a few of you i KNOW im gonna draw ur ocs eventually#but i simply do not have the energy atm ; 0 ;#art fight#art fight 2024#team seafoam
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#IM SO STRESSED IM SO STRESSED#I feel like I'm not handling ANYTHING well rn#so many people have symptoms that are WAAAAAAY fucking worse and they're like. working full time jobs and being a parent and shit and#I'm like waaah oh no I have body aches and chronic fatigue looks like I'll have to be unemployed and never do anything ever 💀#how am I gonna live?? like. my parents are taking care of me and I'm so fucking glad but#SOMEDAY THEY WONT BE AROUND and that stresses me out so bad#I'm 25 years old and I NEED my mom every day if not physically then emotionally because I'm a little bitch baby that can't do anything for#herself. im having a hard time feeding myself I'm having a hard time keeping my living space clean#I'm not taking care of anything except the dogs sometimes and my lizard and she's not getting as much attention as she used to#I need a job and I need to be able to suck it up and DO THINGS but I feel like I'm not the person u was anymore#I was strong and I could push thru things and make myself do things and now I can't???? I just lay on the fucking couch!! and feel bad abtit#is it the tism. is it the ADHD. what about the chronic depression. how bout the fibromyalgia?#and the thing is that ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE MILD#I don't have severe pain (yet).#I just can't handle it I don't WANT to handle it#so. shoutout to my mom I guess because if it wasn't for her I simply wouldn't be alive#I feel like I've never been happy!! why can't I just be content and be happy!!!!#I have no fucking reason to be unhappy!!!!!!
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More misc. daily life pictures and such
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1 & 2 - Very bright pretty looking sky !#2. HUGE icicle that looked like you could kill someone with it or something.. Pulled from near a gutter on the side of a building#3. & 4 & 5 - various images from a silly party I had where I pretended to be some elf king turning like 204 years old lol (also not like#a REAL party. Only my roommates were there really and we're all in the same household bubble.#just to clarify. I would never dare have a large party anyway given#my hermitous nature but on top of that.. didn't want there to be some implication that I'm having a Party while covid is still ongoing lol.#NEVER.. But I do love dressing up as some fantasy character so much.. The only thing that could ever bring a true hermit wizard#to engage with others socially is the prospect of connecting it somehow to fantasy worlds and costumes lol. One must simply dress up#as a silly 200 year old man from time to time and pretend you've never seen a balloon before in your life. etc.#6. bapy boye... feets#7. The main food that I made for the elderly elf man 'party'. which was a Deconstructed Beef Wellington (kind of as ajoke since I watch s#o many silly cooking competition shows and they always make stuff 'deconstructed' at the last minute when under time limits or whatever.)#I've wanted to make beef wellington a few times but Ithink to do it well I'd need like..an actual kitchen and a lot of time and#an oven that fully works to bake things and etc. etc. So I thought this would be an easier method. A thick steak cut round to kind of mimi#c the round tenderloin or whatever it is in a wellington. instead of the puff pastry being wrapped around - I just did star shaped cut outs#of pastry and baked them and put them on top (to go with the star theme). instead of mushroom duxelles being wrapped around in pastry#its in a little circle under the steak. and instead of mustard being brushed onto the meat I made a mustard gravy sauce type of thing#Then of course asparagus on the side.. my favorite... Though I know some wellington#also has a layer of prosciutto I think. or I saw one person use crepes. I didn't feel it was necessary to incorporate that too lol#8. bapy son helping me do a giant puzzle that took me hours and I had no idea it was actually that large of a puzzle#until I started putting it together and for some reason it made me stressed by the end instead of relaxed lol.. puzzle fatigue#photo diary
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wip wednesday: going thru my corny arc
#OKAY im back#sorry! working overtime pre paris airshow#i think I’m going to focus on this 80k of wips right now—just get them posted by the end of the summer#but u can keep sending in prompts if u want#and maybe someday I’ll actually be brave/creative enough to finish an AU#1. the frankly inevitable sickfic#2. this shit is so fucking corny but i literally can’t resist it anymore i just want them to say it all the time#3. have been slowly realizing lately that I’ve been slacking on how much the uranium mission probably fucked mav up#4. he is afraid of getting old & dying all over again#top gun#top gun maverick#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#icemav#top gun fanfiction#there’s so much thematic meat to be unpacked with ice’s cancer & eventual death#and I am sacrificing that thematic meat for my own mental health.#so you’re getting my analysis of mav’s death instead because i simply refuse to engage with an unhealthy ice#i know it’s wasted thematic potential & im sorry but i like 😭😭😭😭😭😭 cannot do it#we all have our little neuroses and ice’s death is mine#sorry I’m still in my ‘italicize dialogue to suggest surreality’ phase#i can literally track the very concrete ways my writing style has changed over the course of writing this series it RULES#progress!!!!!
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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Seeing Hozier tomorrow and that truly is my reward for making it through this work week I have been in the TRENCHES
#working 12 hour days while chronically ill is actually SO ghetto 😭#I simply do not want to do it anymore
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You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore
#okay I'm a little ashamed#it's another 5 points i have to catch up with next semester#but it's making me want to kill myself and i don't even know if the professor would still accept it#(the original deadline was in October. i got an official extension until November. i guess it'd be just rude#to ask if it was still okay to send it#especially since i haven't done any substantial work on it#it's just bad. i hate the topic. i hate the way the professor views the subject 'language and emotion'#so that i cannot write what i want but would have to tailor it towards her views because otherwise I'd fail#and also i cannot write in german. i simply can not do it. )#it's better to move on and focus on my last paper for last semester (official deadline is end of March#so I'm not behind for once)#and i should do the assignments for a module i should have finished 1 year ago#so i don't have to do that next semester#and i should start studying korean again so i don't make a complete fool of myself next semester#I have my first day of work in 2 weeks so I'll also have to focus on working (for money) from there on#I've been paralyzed by the thought of having to write this paper for way too long#the professor is not my boss anymore (i still have to work off some hours though) and even if she was#I'm so done being ashamed of myself for not being able to do certain things#i wanna give it my best from now on but not for this paper. it's done.#void screams
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suddenly realizing that if i do end up actually following through on majoring/minoring in computer science / graphic design respectively i can never ever tell anyone what got me into it. "oh i made an arg by frankensteining a bunch of custom blog themes together on tumblr dot com for an undertale au roleplay event and realized the html was more fun than the roleplay" just shoot me dead like genuinely
#“just say you made an arg and had fun” AS IF PEOPLE WOULDN'T ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ARG .....#LOOK i try SO HARD not to care about being cringe but the truth is that no matter what being cringe to strangers makes me want to Explode#every conversation i have ever had about my AUs with my irl roommate has been anywhere between 12am-4am otherwise i Can't Fucking Do It#i will give the lame answer and i will say The Paycheck. even though that will likely not exist anymore by the time i graduate#OH and btw that last part isn't to say i haven't had fun writing ebony!!! its been awesome and amazing and great dopamine fuel#however i fear i have definitely hit a wall where i simply do not want to be working on it anymore and im kinda in hell about it#but for the sake of a Good Ending i will persist . slowly#desperately dangling a carrot in front of my own face labeled “you can do a director's commentary when you're done”#“you can point out all the details you really like and show people what they might have missed”#“you can talk about all the shit you made up on the spot or cut out. you can do this with the Entire Blog even”#it is a small carrot. but it is there nonetheless
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I’m so fucking tired
#op#how many fucking times is my leg just going to STOP FUCKING WORKING#HOW LONG MUST I LANGUISH IN HELL BEFORE GOD (orthopedic surgeons) DELIVER ME FROM HELL (having both legs)#literally just TAKE IT OFF IM TIRED I CANT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE#im all out of tears left to cry#I just want to be normal#I can’t work and I’m broke and I’m fucking scared#I can’t handle this I was never going to be able to do this alone it just isn’t possible for me#I was simply never meant to make it this far#god is nerfing me in punishment for not offing myself at 17
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hi! im jp, they/them 28
doing some omegaverse anthropology and sociology: describing behaviors, traditions, social structures and norms, and hypothesizing on how those things came about.
i block based on vibes and i hope u do too
children stay away—i don’t want to see or be seen by children
i can’t control who interacts with my posts, but if you’re under 18, do not follow me. i check every follow, and i will block you.
this blog will have some discussion of reproduction from a medical perspective but might host also have some not-so-medical thoughts. 18+
don’t bother me about ship discourse. i am grown; i have work and bills and back pain
i am deeply embarrassingly into tgcf, jjk, and tloz botw and totk (fandom/shitpost/everything else sideblog: @everytimewetouch-dot-mp3)
#honestly i wouldn’t interact with anyone under 25 if it were up to me#but the best i can hope for is 18+#i used to work with middle and high school kids and i simply do not want to interact with them anymore#im so srs tho i do not want to run the risk of accidentally talking to a child#it makes me so so uncomfortable
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i dont know if its just my dash and just me but i swear im always getting a ton of posts about how like roleplay and making stories with your friends are the most fulfilling thing for your soul, and im really glad youre having fun. but god i really dont get it. if people touch my toys i want to kill them get your own toys???? and it always surprises me not everyone feels this way
#i am soooooo fucking bad at collaborative writing!#i simply was not built for it! i get too pissy about it!#i like when my stories get to be as self indulgent and free as i want them to be#and the moment someone else gets involved i cant do that anymore#it does not matter how good someone is at working with me and how much their writing style clicks#you step into my creative space im ripping you to shreds#i like it when i play with my toys and you watch and clap and cheer#and then i go watch you play with your toys and i clap and cheer#and we both tell each other we're sooooo good at playing toys#and then our toys never ever interact with each other#this is the same reason i never want an art job the idea of someone else having any say in#my creative decisions makes me so mad and distressed AGDSFGSSFHDGJ#anyways. im glad roleplaying seems to be fun for everyone else.#i'll never understand the hype tho#queued post
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i love muting people on twitter some of you bitches are very dumb
#what do you MEAN gojo wasn’t traumatized by toji??? 😭#i don’t think that gege has to spoonfeed every single morsel of information for you… like if you READ the manga you’d know 😭#why is the reason gojo works so tirelessly on his infinity??? during his fight w sukuna why was he reminded of toji???#LIKE HELLO??? this is why heavily shipper brains are so useless to me#this one was goge shipper and for some reason they just completely watered down gojo’s personality/trauma like HUH#geto isn’t the only person who went through things 😭#also saying that geto was the only person who saw gojo as a person… that’s true to an extent#pre-defection geto ABSOLUTELY! gojo never was around Normal People so that’s why he acts the way he acted it’s obvious#but i’d argue post-defection geto… even for a little bit… saw gojo as a tool rather than a human#bc he even tells gojo that if suguru was gojo then his impossible ideals wouldn’t be impossible anymore simply by the virtue of being gojo#i think after people realize satoru’s strength they immediately throw away his humanity#which is something that his kids don’t really care much for… like yeah gojo sensei is strong but the 1st years don’t gaf that much 😭#i think they see him more for his personality than his Strength but they obviously know he’s the strongest#and i think they know he wants them to be strong too#satoru also said he can only save people who want to be saved#i think he’s in constant of his students for that reason too… they save each other & communicate & are allowed to be kids#i think also bc satoru finds it so important to enjoy the mundane things of life and to enjoy friendships bc that’s the only thing that +#he himself had cultivated during his years as as student too#this became a rant but . @ shippers & @ anyone stupid… stop watering down gojo#it’s my biggest pet peeve idk why but nothing pisses me off more in the jjk sphere than people watering down gojo#just bc his trauma manifested in different ways doesn’t mean that he wasn’t hurt 😭#like don’t forget about satoru gojo!!!!!! he’s a lot more emotionally perceptive/mature than people give him credit for#personal
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im littchhherally so over constantly putting 220% into every conversation and getting the most dry and uninterested/uninteresting replies in existence.
#someone tells me about a situation at work; omg that's literally horrible they're total assholes. you don't deserve them or their bullshit#you should be their boss 100%#same person when i tell them about a situation at work (they asked about); that sucks. so when are you gonna be able to rp again?#dating site. i had to send every single first text. EVERY SINGLE ONE. matches would refuse to say anything for d a. y s if i didn't text 1s#i would always ask 'you have un plans for this week/weekend? what do you do for work? oh wow! that's so cool whats the best part about x?'#and then i'd usy get 'i love being a cna.' and that would be it#no follow up questions on their part.#no engaging conversation#no conversation at all. period.#im so fucking sick of it#and if i dont text them then we wont talk ever again. period.#so i simply do not text anyone anymore.#i dont even want to entertain the idea of dating any of those women bc they're all devoid of personality or the ability to hold a convo.#and it isnt like i can just match their energy and be dry as hell bc i hate that. why would i waste energy and time typing out a boring ass#message?
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