Halo Reloaded - A Non-Canon April Fools Story
Picture, if you will, the formidable members of Blue-Team, Spartans who've faced down the worst the galaxy has to offer, now brought to a standstill by...well, let's call it an unexpected anomaly.
Enter stage left: a pint-sized Master Chief, replete with those iconic green armor plates shrunken down to toddler size, and—because the universe apparently has a sense of humor—a pair of fuzzy cat ears affixed to his helmet. If you're thinking this sounds like something out of a fever dream, congratulations, you're not alone.
Kelly-087, whose reflexes are so sharp she could probably dodge lightning, can't seem to move. She's caught in the tractor beam of cuteness emanating from mini-Chief. Linda-058, who can hit a bullseye without breaking a sweat, has her sniper rifle pointed at the ground, her usual laser focus redirected to the miniature spectacle before her.
Then, from the depths of the comically oversized helmet, comes a voice. It's like Master Chief's if you ran it through a "cute" filter and then decided, for good measure, to throw grammar and syntax out the window. "Me hungy. Tummy go brrrr," declares mini-Chief, patting his armored belly with the seriousness of a soldier, yet sounding more like he's auditioning for a role in a children's TV show.
Kelly's stoic facade crumbles like a cookie in the grasp of our mini hero. "Is he... did he just say he's hungry?" she asks, disbelief wrestling with amusement in her voice.Linda, eyes softening, chuckles. "Yeah, I think we've got a hungry mini on our hands. Never thought I'd see the day," she admits, finding joy in the sheer absurdity of the moment.
This is where Fred-104, the epitome of leadership and the guy who probably reads manuals for fun, steps in. Even he can't ignore the bizarre cuteness of their miniature comrade. "Team, we've got a mission," he declares with a gravitas that feels slightly ridiculous given the context. "Operation: Feed Munchkin Chief is a go."
As Fred reaches down, those tiny Spartan hands—looking more suited for playing with action figures than being one—latch onto his finger. "Fwed, foodies, pwease?" mini-Chief implores, gazing up with eyes that could probably convince a grunt to lay down its arms.
Kelly snorts, the sound a mix of disbelief and delight. "Foodies? Seriously, are we really doing this?" Yet, the smile tugging at her lips betrays her tough exterior.
Linda, already scrolling through her mental catalog of snacks suitable for their pint-sized leader, nods with enthusiasm usually reserved for planning sniper nests. "Oh, we're doing it. Let's rustle up a feast worthy of a...well, a very small supersoldier," she suggests, her sniper's poise giving way to mischief.
And so, the members of Blue-Team, these paragons of strength and strategy, find themselves embroiled in a new kind of mission. It's one that involves less sneaking and shooting and more...snack preparation.
@jellotherelol, @makowrites, @empresskadia, @pelgraine, @caffeineyum.
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Seven Warlords of the Sea
*edit: because I like an idiot forgot Akainu didn't actually want the warlord program destroyed 😭
the real reason that Akainu *should have* voted for the destruction of the Warlord program is, besides them being filthy pirates, they were also just fucking embarrassing.
Like pathetically, how did we let this happen, embarrassing
In the amount of time we have known them, between the 12 total Shichibukai;
4 of them got their asses beat by the same dude (1 of them before he even became a warlord)
2 of them went on to openly work for/ with said dude
1 of them literally fell in love with and actively sabotages efforts to apprehend this same dude
At two separate points they have actively tried to recruit (and succeeded once) the sons of two of their biggest ops.
Not to mention how 1 of them also got their ass beat by said dude's brother and then they would lose 3 more on the same day over the war for the life of said brother who was the same son they tried to recruit
2 of the Warlords would then go on to harbor/ mentor a member of this dude's crew and the dude himself! Arguably when he was the most wanted criminal alive. While the member that should have been the most robotically compliant protected the dude's pirate ship with his life.
They got played four different times on a world stage by 4 different members and 3 of said times all involved THIS SAME DUDE!
2 of the times involving the take over of a country that was then foiled by said dude while the marines did nothing.
They've had to imprison 2 of them and brainwash a 3rd
They've had to shop for replacements 7 whole times just in the span of 3 years
At no point have all seven members attended a meeting. Hell Hancock has attended not a one.
During the months before their disbandment there weren't even 7 of them! there were only 5
They are pretty sure 1 of them is fucking an emperor, 1 of them was working for an emperor, 1 of them might be (it is unconfirmed) the illegitimate son of a now dead emperor and another is protected by The actual fucking Dark King.
They literally had to fire Moria for being a fucking embarrassment
And one of them is a fucking clown
that would go on to recruit 2 other former warlords to create a guild that encourages the hunting of marines for sport and rise to the ranks of emperor.
Of course Akainu hates their fucking guts. They are quite literally the stupidest group of people he has ever had to work with in his life and they seem to bring out new levels of previously unreached stupidity in the marines! Just a cesspool of failure and incompetency trying to call itself a program.
95% of the reason Sengoku retired was to get away from these fucking idiots. He was drowing in the sea of paperwork Mihawk alone was causing not to mention the rest of their dumbasses and Akainu isn't about that life.
And that brings me to reason number 184 of why Akainu *should have* voted yes on disbanding the warlords
dealing with the fucking paper work storm and international incident that hit Sengoku's desk everytime Mihawk decided that needing to be fucked outweighed being subjected to an idiot. Nah Akainu needed them gone like yesterday.
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I have said forever that the Dragon.Age fandom is the worst fandom I've ever been in, but there's something so fucking funny to me that they use the same baseless argument as RWDE for why things have changed, how that's bad, and they don't like it. Like most of the writing/lore staff (at least the well known ones) are the same. There was always some kind of outline for how things were going to go. It was always intended (or was more so for its time for DA) progressive and has grown up with the times and wanting to include more people. But pie logic (no, other people being included doesn't mean you get less) and nostalgia wank of "how dare the thing I like change at all from what I remember of what l liked about it" (like these people never knowing Adam was always a piece of shit).
Shame shit, same mostly cishet white guys, different fandoms.
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