#I think she feels guilty abt everything that happened this year.

[straydogged]

extremely grateful that this is less of a large gathering like the ones my abuse took place at, and instead it's kind of just having a few people in and out over the day. I would be deeply deeply triggered if it were the former. currently I am just. uncomfortable and kinda sad.

[nomairuins]

bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏

[bileroom]

we're going to have our own safe home again and then we can process the. aughh

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

reader comforting sad ethan?? like could be something his dad was suggesting/saying and ethans really frustrated. had prob been avoiding girlfriend! reader for a bit bc of the whole plan thing. hes prob reconsidering it all bc its been the happiest hes been in his LIFE and he feels like a shitty bf for the shit abt to happen. but he obviously cant talk abt it so he tries to shut her out, which doesnt work clearly. its up to you if you wanna include smut (tbh dont see dom! ethan existing here) but definitely just angst to fluff! this boy needs a hug ):

Okay, hi! I was about to go to bed when I got this request, and just HAD to write it. No smut, I thought it was better without it. I hope you like it:)

Everything We Need - Ethan Landry x Fem!Reader

Summary: Your boyfriend is feeling guilty about being Ghostface, and wants to do whatever he can to protect you.

A/N: I LOVE THIS. There's just something about sad Ethan that makes me love him even more🥹

When Ethan met up with Quinn and his dad, he felt sick to his stomach. The plan that had been in the works for a year was coming to fruition, as two wannabe Ghostface’s had met their demise. He really wanted to back out. For the first time in his life, he had someone in his life that made him want to get up every day, and that’s been weighing heavy on his mind.

“Ethan, are you listening?” Wayne asked, Quinn rolling her eyes.

“He’s probably thinking about his girlfriend,” she scoffed, as Wayne’s face got even more serious.

“You need to keep your head in this. Don’t you let some little bitch keep you from doing what we’re all here to do,” he said, scanning his sons face. “Richie would never let me down.”

His dad always used that against Ethan. Richie and his dad were so close, while Ethan didn’t get the whole father-son bonding experience he craved. That’s why he agreed to go along with this plan in the first place. He wanted his fathers love so badly that he was willing to kill for it.

“I know, dad. I won’t let you down,” he said, as Wayne started to discuss the plan further.

“Wait, does Ethan’s little girlfriend have to die, too?” Quinn asked, as a lump formed in Ethan’s throat.

“Shut the fuck up, Quinn!” Ethan yelled, as his dad stood there, thinking about the best way to respond.

“She might. I don’t know yet. You might want to distance yourself from her. If she finds out, she will have to die,” Wayne said, as Ethan’s eyes started to water. A single tear slipped down his cheek, quickly wiping it away with his hand.

“Ethan, I don’t think I can count on you for this. Your head is obviously somewhere else, as usual,” he said, shaking his head. “Why can’t you be strong like Richie was?”

The rest of their meeting consisted of Ethan getting berated by Quinn and his father. He knew he needed to keep you safe, so he decided that maybe he should put a little distance between the two of you. He felt like shit that your friends were on the literal chopping block, and he knew how badly this would hurt you if you ever found out he was a part of it.

He ignored every text you’d sent him for the last few days. He declined every FaceTime. You were really starting to worry about him. Aside from the worrying, your heart hurt, because you’d just taken his virginity before he stopped talking to you. You couldn’t help but wonder if that had anything to do with why he pretty much ghosted you.

As you were on your way to Sam and Tara’s, you sent Ethan another text asking if he was going to be there. You hoped for a reply, but you never got one.

You sat around the living room with Anika, Mindy, Tara, and Quinn when Chad walked in. You waited for Ethan to walk in, but he never did.

“Hey, what’s up, guys?” Chad said, taking a seat next to Tara.

“Where’s Ethan?” Tara asked, knowing you wanted the answer.

“Oh, he was going to come, but he decided last minute to stay at the dorm,” Chad said, before looking over to you, “He didn’t tell you he wasn’t coming?”

“No,” you whispered, as Quinn rolled her eyes. She couldn’t stand you and hoped that Ethan wouldn’t have taken their dad’s advice. She wanted nothing more than to make you one of her victims.

“That’s really weird,” Mindy said, a confused look on her face. “Maybe you should go check on him.”

“He ignores me every time I try to contact him,” you said, “I don’t think he wants to see me.”

“That’s definitely weird because he won’t shut up about how much he misses you.”

You were so confused, but you tried to ignore the urge to go see him. Maybe he was just going through something and needed space, but you still thought it was strange that he didn’t tell you what was going on with him.

As everyone got ready to leave, you pulled Chad to the side.

“Is Ethan okay?” you asked, as Chad shook his head.

“He’s always talking about you, but he isn’t sleeping. He’s barely eating. I don’t know what’s going on with him,” he responded, a little bummed that his friend wasn’t doing well.

“I think I’m going to go see him,” you sighed, pulling your jacket on.

“I’ll be there soon, I want to hang out with Tara for a little bit,” he said.

You nodded as you grabbed your phone and started the walk to his dorm. When you got there, you knocked on the door, hoping that he was home.

Your mouth dropped when you saw his face as he opened the door. His eyes were sunken in, he was very pale. He looked like a shell of his former self.

“Baby, what’s going on?” you asked as he gestured you in.

He sat down on his bed beside you but didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want to put you in danger.

“Please talk to me,” you said, tears welling up in your eyes.

Hot, fat tears started to flow down his cheeks. You pulled him close to you as he sobbed into your chest.

“I don’t know why you want to be with me. I’m worthless,” he cried, your heart shattering at his words.

“Baby, why do you think that? You aren’t worthless,” you said, a few tears slipping past your bottom lashes.

“I’m nothing. I’m weak. I don’t deserve you,” he was choking out his words between sobs as your fingers ran through his hair.

“Ethan, I love you. I love you with all my heart. I don’t want you to talk about yourself like that. You’re perfect the way you are,” you whispered to him as you kissed his forehead.

“No, I’m not. My dad always compares me to my brother. He’s always been the golden child while I’ve been the black sheep of the family,” he said, your nails gently dragging across his scalp as you tried to soothe him. He’s never mentioned his family, and it really pissed you off that anyone could make this sweet boy feel this way.

“You’re always golden to me, baby. You mean so much to me, and it breaks my heart that you feel this way.”

In that moment, everything clicked in Ethan’s head. He knew he didn’t need his dad because he has you. Someone that loves him unconditionally.

“What if we just leave?” he asked, sitting up to look at you.

“Why do you want to leave?” you asked, taking his hand in yours.

“It isn’t safe here. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” he said, his eyes pleading with yours.

You started to think about it. All classes have been cancelled for the last week. Most of the students have already returned home because of what happened to the guys from the Film Studies class.

“Where do you want to go?” you asked, smiling at him.

“I don’t care. I want to get as far away as possible,” he said, standing up. “I’ll grab what I’ll need, and we’ll go to your dorm next.”

You helped him grab the necessities, noticing things you knew he’d need that he didn’t seem to care about in his current state. He grabbed stacks of clothes, piling them in his suitcase.

“Can you sit on this for me so I can zip it?” he asked, as you giggled. You did what he asked as he sighed in relief, ready to get your stuff so you could get the fuck out of the state.

You walked out of the dorm and went around the back of it.

“Wait here,” Ethan said, running over to the dumpster. He pulled the robe, mask, and knife out of his backpack, throwing it away.

He was smiling when he came back over to you, looking like the normal Ethan you fell in love with. He picked you up and spun you around, before kissing you.

“I love you,” he said, as he sat you back down and his forehead rested against yours.

“I love you, too.”

Once you arrived at your dorm, you grabbed everything you needed in a matter of minutes. Ethan was deep in thought as he sat on your bed.

“You having second thoughts about this?” you joked, as he shook his head.

“No, there’s nothing more that I want than to get away from here with you,” he said, placing a kiss to your forehead. “Can we take your car?”

“I was kind of hoping that was the plan,” you laughed, as you double-checked the room to make sure you weren’t missing anything. “Let’s get out of here.”

Your hand was in his as you walked through the student parking lot to your car. Once you made it there, Ethan asked you to get in so he could put the luggage in the trunk. You thought about how Chad mentioned that Ethan hadn’t slept in days, so you decided that it’d be best if you drove.

He started to feel uneasy, so he felt around under the bumper of your car.

“That stupid bitch,” he muttered, pulling off the tracking device Quinn must’ve put on your car.

“Okay, we’re ready. I just need to run by the ATM before we leave,” he said, as you looked at him, confused.

“Uh, my dad has experience with finding people, and I don’t want him to see my card transactions wherever we end up going,” he explained, as you nodded.

You pulled up to the ATM as he handed you his card and told you the pin.

“How much?” you asked, entering the pin on the pad.

“Let’s get two thousand for now,” he said, as you turned to look at him.

“How much money do you have in here?” you asked, your eyes wide. It’s not everyday a college kid pulls two grand out of their bank account.

“I have a lot. When my mom died, she left a lot of money to me,” he said, as you rubbed your hand against his thigh.

“I didn’t know that babe. I’m sorry,” you said, withdrawing the money and handing it to him.

As the two of you crossed state lines, he finally stopped looking behind him. You felt a little nervous that he was so concerned, almost like he thought you were being followed. The further you drove, the more exhausted you started to get.

“We might need to stop soon,” you said, Ethan’s tired eyes looking you over.

“Okay, let’s take the next exit. We can get a hotel room for the night,” he said, as you nodded, a yawn slipping out.

Once you got to the room, he crawled onto the bed. You helped him take his shoes off before you snuggled up beside him.

“Thank you,” he said, as he laid his head on your chest.

“For what?” you asked, starting to relax in the bed.

“For loving me as much as you do.”

[mcdbutgay]

zoeymau cheebs (click for better quality + transparent pics)

some hcs below ^^ also i love how they complement each other so much GODDD

APHMAU SHALASHASKA

- aphmau shows up at phoenix drop’s doorstep pretty much half dead. no one knows where she came from, and upon waking up she doesn't remember who she is, where she's from, nothing.

- vylad carried her here because he knew that garroth was stationed in phoenix drop and he knew that the village was in dire need of help due to it being lordless; however it doesnt get revealed until way later.

- aphmau gets carried into the guard station which is where she resides for a period of time. zoey, who was visiting phoenix drop at the time (she was a wandering 'merchant' of sorts, looking for a permanent place to stay) feels a weird presence coming from her, not magical but also not normal, and decides to prolong her stay, healing aphmau back to health with garroth's supervision.

- aphmau wakes up and is sooo grateful they took care of her and decides that as payment she’s going to help make this mess of a village better (also she has no memory of anything that happened prior or why she ended up here anyway, so it’s not like she has anywhere else to go.)

- so she fixes up the roads and helps remodel some of the houses (i feel like this version of aphmau is much less princess-like and more handy than canon aph) garroth is very grateful for this

- anyway uh i dont actually have a lot of stuff for her since i find aphmau to be somewhat bland?? ig thats bc aph is meant to be jess for the majority of s1 but yeah uhh that needs to change. this aphmau is more rough around the edges, not afraid to fend for herself and those she cares for, but also very kind and compassionate. also very bubbly at times, but around those she trusts. she’s actually kind of against the idea of having guards follow her around all the time when she first becomes lord (because she believes she can do everything on her own), but later realizes that its much better to have backup bc the world is dangerous tm

- anywayz she grows closer to zoey when she moves into her house. she finds her presence weird at first but quickly gets used to her company, and she finds that waking up to the smell of tea everyday is soothing

- she is often sent out to the woods to gather whatever herbs zoey needs for her magicks. this quickly turns into aphmau trying to find pretty flowers to bring back to her pretty wife as a gesture of love friendship. sometimes she gets scolded bc she unknowingly brings back poisonous flowers or something but zoey knows that she does it with the best of intentions and thinks its kinda cute in a way.

- also aphmau brings back zoey pretty items from her travels, usually rings, necklaces, or even pretty rocks. zoey keeps them all in her room and looks at them while working on magicks stuff

- sorta angsty but i feel like aphmau definitely feels guilty for being absent for most of levin and malachi’s childhood. way in the future i feel like she and zoey would either adopt or have a biological kid of their own that they can both be present for, now that aphmau is no longer a lord and zoey is just enjoying her last lifetime with her beloved wife.

- OH AND i find it funny that they end up together since, at least in my canon, irene and zoey were a thing way back when. so like after irene left this plane or whatever and reincarnated as aphmau its like zoey and irene found themselves again in another lifetime (more on that in zoey’s section, which i actually wrote first)

- god i really don’t have much to say abt aph lol uh she’s bisexual (fem leaning, which is why she doesn’t rlly feel anything for garroth or laurence but does get flustered around guys sometimes) and demiromantic (takes a WHILE for her to feel any romantic attraction. again its why she doesn’t feel anything for G and L LMAO)

ZOEY TALTATHEIL

- was a devout follower and close friend of irene 900 years ago. zoey, although she wasn’t part of the divine warriors, was irene’s right hand woman, and would help her with decisions etc etc.

- she was kind of like a guard but not really lol. i do feel as though she began to mess around with barrier magicks as a way to protect irene, despite the fact that it got her exhiled from her home. she’d do anything to protect her.

- they were overall very close, but due to circumstances tm they had to separate. they never saw each other again sadly

- (although there are some books written by scholars that state that at some point lady irene had a certain lady friend who she lived with and shared intimate moments with. wonder who that is :P)

- ((also irene did have a family at some point, and levin is of her bloodline. he has blonde hair and blue eyes, guess who else has blonde hair and blue eyes? garroth ZOEY (and yes also garroth but thats a coincidence imo) so i think they are at least distantly related but very much so regardless))

- enough about irene. in zoey’s long 900~ year life she’s travelled to many regions, learned about many different cultures, and met many people, some who she did settle down with at some point. due to her immortality, however, she outlived all her previous partners and since then has been afraid to settle down with anyone, afraid of losing them to time

- it wasn’t until she met aphmau and levin (and later malachi) that she began to change her mind. she began to raise her children when she was away on lord duties, and she got VERY attached to them. she treated them as her own, and soon became accustomed to the idea of having a family

- she also began to see aphmau in a more romantic light at some point during s1. she didn’t know when the change from platonic to romantic feelings began but it didn’t matter. what mattered was that she had been raising another woman’s children as though they were her very own, cooking for the 4 of them like a happy family, and literally living the life she had always wanted without even realizing it.

- anyways she sleeps with aphmau in her room despite having her own room. she uses her room more as a workspace for her magicks

- also (and this is less about zoey and more about elves in general) i feel as though elves start out with dark colored hair and with the years it slowly lightens up until it’s completely white (doesn’t matter what color; zoey’s just happened to be blonde which is why she has platinum blonde hair pre-timeskip. it obviously doesn’t change this fast, but zoey giving up her immortality did speed up the process by a LOT which is why the change was so drastic in such a small amount of time (for an elf))

- speaking of her immortality, i feel as though it was the main reason that drove her to, you know, actually become a thing with aphmau. they were practically married pre-timeskip but they never really mentioned it, both scared they’d ruin what they had. aphmau being trapped in the irene dimension was the thing that drove her to spend years of her life studying, trying to get her closest friend, no, her lover back; losing her immortality was the final push to make it official. losing her immortality mean that they’d both pass within each other’s lifetimes, which is something zoey had always wanted (that sounds morbid but imagine being immortal and outliving all your loved ones.. i feel as though one can only take so much pain before it turns you crazy)

- anyways enough angst. since zoey has lived so long and has been all over the place, she has countless stories to tell and levin and malachi always loved hearing them. post-timeskip she tells the same stories to the children of phoenix drop in her spare time. she loves being around children and overall just loves caring for ppl ^__^

- as for like sexuality hcs uhh i can’t imagine her as anything but a lesbian lol

[joanofexys]

hello!! :) I already asked in a comment but I shall bother you again in an ask so you can make a proper post <3 I would LOVE to know more about angels (AND PHOEBE'S BECAUSE HELLO??) relations with the canon cast!!

Yippee!! I love talking about Angel

Idk how this will be broken down exactly but it’s probably gonna get long as hell so be warned

Obviously Angel’s best friend is Harper. And no one will replace her, but he does still have great relationships with the foxes

I mentioned previously that he ends up with the monsters so he’s the closest with them, but he still gets on well with the upper classmen

In another ask abt him I mentioned he has a FWB dynamic with Allison. And he and Kevin def have something going on. That’s obviously all when Phoebe isn’t with him so I’ll probably focus most of this on his relationship with everyone while he has Phoebe with him

In that same ask I mentioned that Phoebe has favorites too. They’re Andrew and Kevin. And she has a habit of asking for Neil and screaming her lungs out if anyone else tries to touch her or play with her, but Neil has no clue what to do with her.

Idk I guess I'll just go through each of them one by one

Neil: Neil and Angel are both members of the serial killer father club and they're obligated to bond through that. For realsies though Neil helps Angel feel less out of place, as odd as that sounds. Obviously all the foxes have their issues and he was well aware of their reputation when he signed with them, but there's only so many of them that are visibliy fucked up. I think I've mentioned this before but all of Angel's scars have keloided, so they're raised scar tissue, and he's just covered them. And it's 100% been an insecurity of his even though he's accepted that it's something he just has to live with. And when he first joins the foxes very little about his situation and why he's there is unknown. They know about the foster homes and he has a lot of scars. But obviously when more about his past comes out there's a lot that he can share with Neil. With Neil he's able to feel like he's not being stared at all the time, that he's not getting weird looks everywhere he goes. And Neil doesn't tell Angel everything but he'll sit there and listen and let Angel feel like he's got someone who understands at least a little bit. And they play very well together. Stiker/backliner duos my beloved. Angel is very willing to defend Neil, violently, on the court (and Kevin too). Tbh he's probably responsible for a lot of their yellow and red cards his freshman year. Sometimes they'll go running together. Idk man, they're just buddies. And Phoebe, like a cat who can tell when someone isn't a cat person, fucking loves Neil. Neil still doesn't know what to do with her but sometimes she gets to sit on his lap while he's on the couch or a beanbag chair

Andrew: In the beginning, Andrew fucking Minyard is responsible for at least half of Angel's panic attacks and spirals. Angel's freshman year he moves in before the school year starts and he and Phoebe take a room at Abby's place and the monsters have to move around a bit, but basically they're all around the same area during the summer. And obviously, since they're sharing space with him, Andrew wants to know who the fuck Angel even is. And it is very easy to find.

Matteo Di Fiore, charged with the murders of 12 women, including his own wife. Di Fiore plead guilty to the murders of 12 adult women, including his wife, Sofia Di Fiore, over the course of 10 years. Di Fiore received max sentencing and leaves behind a teenage son, who authorities did not name, and was not present at the trial...

Idk something like that. There's definitely plenty of articles out there about his father and that mention he has a son and it's not very difficult to the connect the dots. That's the easy part. It's a lot harder to find out about the foster homes and everything before that, about what happened when Angel was still with his dad. But Andrew makes it very clear he knows. And it's a sort of open secret throughout the summer. Something no one will actually address but that they all know. Angel won't lie about it, but it's definitely something he prefers people don't know. They get better though and Andrew stops freaking Angel out. Because Andrew eventually adopts Angel pretty much. Why? Because he's got sad eyes and he's like a fucking kicked puppy whenever he's not in dad mode or whenever he's in stressed out dad mode.

And like I mentioned, Andrew is one of Phoebe's favorites. He does give her way too much sugar sometimes. She's the only one welcome to share his candy stash. And she loves to chat his ear off with her little toddler babble.

Kevin: Kevin motherfucking Day. Another one of Phoebe's favorites. And also Angel's favorite. It's another case of striker/backliner duo got me good. They make sick. They just work, okay? They're incredible on the court together and Angel will obviously snark back at Kevin but he's also someone who listens so intensely to ever piece of criticism, advice, and nonsensical ranting that Kevin throws his way. Angel's anxiety isn't as bad as Kevin's to begin with but he is also one of those friends whose anxiety will just stop existing the second there's someone more anxious than him. So he and Kevin work great. Emotion support dog Angel or whatever the fuck symbolism we've got going on. I'm just now realizing Angel is dog coded. They nap on bus rides together (Phoebe sits up front with Wymack). They watch Trojans games together. They study together. Angel listens to Kevin rant about history. Kevin listens to Angel ramble about classics. I feel very strongly about them but I'm trying not to make it weird.

Phoebe is around him so much I think he's become one of her favorites that way. Also he's tall, still shorter than Angel rip, and good for piggy back rides. She definitely naps on him a lot while he watches games and Angel gets a much needed break to study and get some homework done.

Aaron: They have to be friends. There's just no way they're not atp. Like Angel and Harper are exes but they're still best friends and definitely do double dates with Aaron and Katelyn. He is a trusted babysitter and kateaaron kick ass when on babysitting duty. He is, unfortunately, not Phoebe's favorite but she can tell him apart from Andrew and knows it's okay to run up to him, yelling his name, and expect to be picked up. Aaron and Angel hang out with the vixens together. Aaron is definitely closer friends with Harper than he is with Angel but they have no problem hanging out together and they don't really fight or anything. Angel definitely admires Aaron for his career goals and how passionate he is about becoming a doctor especially because, even in college, Angel has no clue what he wants to do with the rest of his life and he can appreciate that Aaron has a set goal.

Nicky: Nicky definitely brings out a much louder part of Angel. They joke flirt. Angel is very much okay with being a recipient of Nicky's affection while also having zero problems setting boundaries with him. And obviously Nicky fucking adores Phoebe. They're not best friends, if they're not with the rest of the monsters they probably don't ever hang out, but they do have a lot of fun together when they're with each other.

Allison: Allison and Angel know how to have fun. Allison is one of those people in Angel's life that could get him to agree to crazy shit he would never agree to do otherwise. And he just fucking loves. They're excellent friends and love to talk shit and go on coffee runs together. Most of their time together is when Harper has Phoebe, but Allison does love P whenever she's around. If she's doing her makeup and Phoebe shows any interest she'll pretend to do P's makeup too and tell her she looks so pretty

Renee: I think they have the weirdest dynamic ever. Angel and Renee just kind of exist together. Two traumatized fuckers trying to better than their pasts with angel wings tattooed on their back. Renee offers to teach him to fight and respects it when he says no. When Angel needs somewhere quiet he knows he can always shoot Renee a text and just come sit with her. P loves her hair and loves her and always draws Renee rainbows

Dan: Angel has so much respect for Dan. I don't think they're particularly close but he does know he can always come to her even if she's not the first person he'd seek out. She's someone reliable and in his eyes she really seems like she's got her shit together. I think Dan leaves him a little starstruck tbh. Dan is also Phoebe's favorite fox to cheer for at games. Not her favorite off the court (though Phoebe still loves her) but definitely her favorite on the court

Matt: I think Angel's relationship with Matt is similar to his relationship with Dan. He sort of views them as a package deal (which is the same way he views himself and Harper tbh). He likes being around Matt and really respects him as another backliner. They never really fight on the court, or off of it, and they also just don't have many super personal conversations. I think after it comes out that they've got another dumbass kid with a serial killer dad on the team I think Matt pulls Angel aside for a "hey dude. please please please don't be like Neil" and they form a sort of truce where Angel basically promises not to do any of the dumb shit Neil did the year prior and Matt promises not to revoke his offer of babysitting.

Wymack, Abby, and Bee: Was gonna do these guys separately and I could do them all separately but this is getting too long and I need to wrap it up. Wymack is just someone Angel is so beyond grateful for. He's always willing to watch Phoebe and has confronted Angel a number of times with a sort of "you're still a kid. and yeah, you're a parent, but sometimes it gets to be too much and if you need a break then call me" talk. Abby obviously housed him for a short period of time and he loves her. She really was non judgemental about his scars and very willing to help with Phoebe as well and she was sort of the first person that gave Angel a stable home in years even though it was just letting him live at her house for the summer. And Bee he just fucking loves more than life itself. He does talk to her and he is very honest with her. But also plenty of their appointments consist of Angel taking a much needed nap on her couch while Phoebe either naps with him on his chest or Bee entertains Phoebe (if no one else was available to watch her). And I'm cutting myself off here because this was never supposed to get this long

[turnonyrlovelight]

do you think there was a sense of homesickness throughout the years ?

did jake and elwood miss the orphanage, always go back to it in their minds and reminisce about it during stateville ?? did they see factories in the distance and think of the orphanage ? did they see a shitty little prison chapel and get reminded of sister mary ? did they want to come home, want to revisit the orphanage and be nothing but those two naughty little children again ? did they see an old janitor or a guard with a kind face and think of curtis ? did they wish some nights to go down to the basement and listen to music with him, to learn with him once more ?? what about the band ?

what about their minds and jake's during the court case when elwood got the longer sentence ? did they look over at him, did they feel sad ?? did jake feel guilty even though it wasn't his sentence ? did he overthink it ? what happened in those first few years in stateville ?? did the years end up blurring together and did it become home to them ? did jake and elwood stick together throughout it and did jake write ? was there any suspicion around his death ?? did camille ever find out or is she still looking, is she still out there waiting for him like elwood was when he left stateville ?

of course elwood felt guilty, but was there ever a time where the guilt left and he thought 'i started this, it's only fair i stay in longer' and did he ever forget who he was ?? were there times where he zoned out for weeks on end, maybe for years and one day looked in the mirror and realised he was changing, that time wouldn't stop and he shouldn't be waiting for it ?

did elwood feel at home again in the hospital, getting smacked by mother mary and talking to her in person ?? did it feel like he was a kid again being sent up to her office for setting something on fire or not paying attention, only this time it wasn't something he could apologise for or take back - even though he completed his task and the orphanage closing was years later - did he feel the need to apologise over and over again for what he did ?

and did she ever get overwhelmed ? did she get overwhelmed during the swap from sister to mother, from the little orphanage director in calumet city to the hospital director in chicago ? were there nights she missed curtis and missed the orphanage, missed the children, missed jake and elwood ?? did she ever cry ? did she ever go back to calumet city ?

did she see jake and elwood in buster when he came along, when he got into trouble for the same things and had the same attitude of jake when threatened and the same mannerisms as elwood when left alone ?? is that why she thought elwood would be the best influence to him ? did mother mary hesitate to call the cops because she knew buster was in safe hands and knew this would happen ?? did she chase after them with the others just to see how they were doing, held her tough front to scare them into not getting into that much trouble again ? was she scared she would lose them and they would lose each other ? was mother mary drafting another 'angels have dirty faces' letter when she heard elwood's charges and how far he'd taken everything ?

did mother mary feel the same as elwood in the sense that it was just them, that everything was gone and they only had each other ? was she so quick to yell at elwood because she would've broken down too ?? how she was much more defensive than she was in the first movie. there she was vulnerable and explained everything, told them she was worried and ended up guilt tripping them because she didn't know what else to do. in the second movie, she was harsher and more defensive, angry like elwood was. did she miss the orphanage and calumet city and joliet and curtis and jake an was it hard for her to look at cab and buster because of it ?

oh god this was very question oriented im going so feral abt them, no doubt there's gonna b another post soon

[lostonmari]

SUCCESS #2 - November

Success #2 -- Everything I manifested in November

November is when I started this blog, and also ACTUALLY started applying all of the things I learned started taking affirming and thinking in my favor seriously instead of just sporadically manifesting random things here and there because I was too lazy to put in the work. I never had issues w wavering, but I was just inconsistent as fuck (Hell, I'm still inconsistent with posting on my own damn blog, yall can't possibly think I'm consistent with affirming!) So here's everything I manifested…

Manifested back my old bestfriend/ex-gf after 4 years no contact She came back, apologized for mistreating me and told me basically everything I affirmed for LMAO. and that's one of the things that gave me faith in the law because ik this girl would rather die than ever apologize to someone. Now that she's back I'm manifesting away her friends and leaving her broke down and in shambles because I'm evil and believe in revenge. yall dont know the type of bullsh*t this woman put me through. Idc if everyone is you pushed out, some people don't deserve forgiveness 🤓

My mom is walking again I successfully revised her shattered ankle without the weeks of recovery time the doctors "thought" she needed. She's literally walking around just fine now and doesn't need to wear her cast or whatever that big bulky thing was.

Manifested my brother out of jail on a time crunch Now I'm not sharing my family's whole drama online but… yea. he's out.

No more social anxiety, cured one of my mental health issues I don't wanna trauma dump or go into too much detail about my life but, yes. for anyone also working on mental health, it can be done and you won't regret trying. Life actually feels like it has meaning now and for once in all my years of life, I can actually say that I'm happy. 💗

Stopped nail biting COMPLETELY! I used to struggle with nail biting for YEARSSS whether it was out of stress, anxiety, whatever the fuck. but now it's completely gone. my nails are no longer STUBS, like theyre actually long and healthy. I didn't even affirm for this so I kinda think it came with improving my mental health since I didn't really have the issues that *triggered* nail biting anymore yk?. I'm actually the happiest about this result like yall don't understand how long I've wanted the natural french tips look 💀

[TW: Discussion of binging, discussion of food]

6. WL + Maintained weight loss! I literally changed my entire way of viewing food, and subsequently fixed my lose->gain->lose-> gain again cycle. Ever since learning LOAss If I binged I would be like: I just have a fast metabolism so that's why I'm so hungry my body is burning everything I eat so fast! and I would also tell myself calories don't matter because food is only energy. Basically, reminding myself of what Abdullah told Neville: "If you ate as I did, you would be poisoned because of your belief." (heavily paraphrased because my memory is terrible.. yes I'm working on it 😭) and it keeps me from feeling guilty abt eating. I ate SOOO MUCH food yesterday and I mean SO MUCH. I ate an entire box of cheese sticks, two large chicken sandwiches, 2 pb & j sandwiches total throughout the day, and half a tub of icecream for dessert… Yeah I was going crazy.. to the point I looked 5 months pregnant at the end of the night. Fast forward to today, my stomach is back to flat and back to normal as if it never happened. Food literally will not effect you if you believe it doesn't! This was my main focus too so I'm very proud of myself :)

Moral of the story is, never give up.

YOU decide what happens in your reality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There were times when I didn't want to affirm, so I didn't. If I felt lazy then I didn't consciously affirm or listen to subliminals, I just relaxed and went on about my day. I never made affirming feel like a chore. There were times when I had doubts too or thought it wouldn't work. I especially thought it wouldn't work for my mental health but I just affirmed anyway. When you're having resistance literally just know there's nothing bad that can possibly happen from believing in yourself and thinking in your favor. Just DO IT. Persist no matter what and you WILL get what you want!

I'll try to do better with posting my successes (but only ones that actually meant something big to me tbh. I don't see a point in sharing every little thing unless it was me overcoming some type of struggle) and answering messages but I refuse to download the tumblr app so yall just gotta see and hear from me whenever I feel like loading up this website. I'm just enjoying & living my life rn girl I used to dream about times like this and now I finally have them 😭

[yuukei-yikes]

please just rewrite kagepro i'm BEGGING i love your head cannons !!! love you jin but vinnie on top. also haruka is so AAAAAAA and it's so interesting how you talk ab his weird vibes w the dan !! it's like "whoops konoha's gone but have this silly guy instead" and said silly guy is extremely guilty about htis. sorry this is all over the place but yeah. the silly guy filter

i went a lil crazy on this reply. partly an analysis, partly str headcanons. in general about haruka and how he feels about his livelihood 💥💥💥

haruka's survival guilt misadventures💗💗💗

since he saw everything konoha saw it's like he became one-sided friends with everyone because he knew everyone konoha knew and of course cared for them just as much but none of them know him. he knows first hand how much everyone loved konoha because he saw it!!!

i think generally post str haruka&takane deal with a lot of existential crisis LMAO takane because she says it felt like the whole time she was ene could've been a dream and etcetc sorry i wont sidetrack to takane like i keep doing. erm. but her too okay... anyways haruka

He Should've Died Years Ago and didn't and like... in over the dimension he mentions how he used to believe in the prospect of heaven but then as time went on and his condition worsened and his time to go approached, he became more depressed and his thoughts became SUPER negative. he was like THERE IS NO HEAVEN EVERYONE IS JUST LYING TO MAKE U FEEL BETTER BUT AFTER DEATH THERE IS ONLY DARKNESS. and then he does die and neither of these things happen, he doesnt go to heaven and he doesnt stop existing. if we're staying on theme with the heaven thing he mentions, instead he essentially ends up going to hell. he literally gets stuck in Personified Hell watching the konoha cringe comp like. come on.

i hc everyone in the daze can sort of move freely and meet each other EXCEPT haruka precisely bc he still has a link to his body/the outside world. i think it's SO interesting that the daze is truly another dimension and swallows people as they are BUT HARUKA specifically it's his consciousness/spirit/whatever. we dont talk about this enough. the concept of spirits and shit being canon in kagepro. like HE IS THE ONLY ONE who is just a mind with no actual physical body?? so bc of the link to the outside he still has bc of it, he can't move freely inside the daze and can't do anything other than sit there and just Watch what konoha does, hibihiyo timeloop and all. so like. LITERALLY FUCKING HELL. he's alone not only for the 2 years but also for however long konoha was in hibihiyos loop. i think he can only move around in the eighth novel because he has finally lost the link to his body

and haruka speaks of how lonely his life is and by the way he speaks i think he had sort of repressed the way he felt about his illness. cuz he grew up lonely, not only already sick but seeing first hand the way his illness is killing/kills someone else, his mother. cuz before she died he had to see her suffer through it, right.. there is no mention of how she was as a person but i imagine she was either really depressed haruka ended up sick too OR... She was like his dad and talked about it a little insensibly. his father being really cold and straight to the point with "you will also die like her, give or take in 6 years" when he is TEN!!!HE WAS SO SMALL!!!! at the beginning of his novel haruka is like. yeah i have like a year left to live. but oh whatever. everyone dies I'll just hit the sack a little before ideal that's fine.

i could go on for longer abt haruka's parents and different hcs about the kind of people they are but teehee. i won't sidetrack.

haruka grows up conditioned to think that way and represses his feeling of sadness because that's what he was taught to do by his parents and it essentially became his coping mechanism. takane says it herself at one point abt how haruka has a "yeah whatever" attitude. like word for word

it's only by the next summer when that year actually goes by and he is DYING that he starts despairing and becoming super negative about it and ends up begging for his life because he doesnt wanna die.

that defense mechanism that has fallen apart since then because of his despair when dying sort of built itself back up when haruka enters the daze. once inside the daze doesn't haruka always seem so offbeat and exactly like "yeah whatever"?? because what else is he supposed to do lmao. there is nothing to hope for. there is nothing here. there is no one or nothing to smile at or for. there's just this thing piloting his body outside doing shit he'd like to do and meeting people he'd like to meet. in fact he even seems bitter

that's why str haruka is generally more serious? ofc he's still happy and all cheerful like always but in the canon content str haruka feels like. he really feels grown up, compared to others. same goes for characters like ayano&takane, mostly bc we see them again after a timeskip but still. with haruka especially i think!! thats also why i think jin chose him specifically to express this weird growing up feeling.

so. erm. now he's back and of course he's happy and excited but all these feelings HAVE a lasting impact. they dont just disappear u know. he thought he'd die, then he did. and now he's alive?? and on top of it an adult?? and has to figure out what the hell to do?? being back from the dead after is already a complicated situation by itself. and there's all these complicated feelings with all these people he loves but they dont even know him and he's very happy everyone seems to be willing to get to know him but he can sense how sad they are about konoha, because he Saw the friendship they established with it.

and haruka's like... i am the only person here who ended up bizarrely benefiting from everything that happened. because for everyone else, if for example clearing eyes wasnt evil, they kind of would've made it through. mekatrio wouldve suffered their sad backstories, them+ayano&kenjirou would've suffered ayaka's loss anyway yeah, but further than that it wouldn't have gone downhill. takane and ayano wouldnt have had to die, shintaro wouldnt have become a shut in, kano wouldve never hidden anything from his siblings, hibiya and hiyori wouldn't meet that fate in the city. and haruka would die at 17 years old, period!!!

he is so guilty for being alive when the very thing that helped him survive put everyone else through so much pain. he is so guilty for being thankful for it. ofc its NOT LIKE THAT, OF COURSE HE SHOULDNT BE GUILTY, but i think that's how haruka sort of receives this sudden survival.

not only that but... someone else died for him to be here too. haruka isn't only guilty for that bizarre gratitude but also... konoha!!!

how much does he deserve this when u put konoha in question too?? people who loved haruka, like takane and shintaro, have already mourned him. while konoha is being mourned by like 7 more people. people that again, HARUKA ALSO LOVES BUT THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM!! technically thats not fair then. so maybe konoha deserves it more!?!?! of course haruka is human and konoha isn't, and it's HIS body, but it's because of konoha his body is functioning at all now. so is he robbing it of its life?? but didnt it also rob haruka the body in the first place, by tossing him out and leaving him behind?? this is all the shit i think haruka is conflicted over lmao. who deserved it more or at all... but does it even matter bc konoha IS here and its helping haruka stay alive by playing its awakening eyes role.

but also by feeling guilty over the life he's so happy to have back isn't he undervaluing everyone's willingness to get to know him and honor konoha?? undervaluing takane&shintaro's excitement to reunite with him?? undervaluing even his own happiness at having another chance at life?? well. he has to navigate through it. and he paints pictures at the same time because groceries need to be bought and bills needs to be paid, and aw man, MORE dishes?? he JUST washed those. and after that he should remember to clean the bathroom, its been a while. and do the laundry the dirty clothes pile is getting ridiculous. AND REPEAT!!!!!! because ur a grown up :3

but... he does love painting these pics... and he does love all the snacks he buys after doing groceries!!! and clean clothes are so nice especially when theyre warm from the sun!!! rent is worrying but he's got a roommate who helps him pay it!!! he's always loved his roommate too and has wanted to see her again for so long and now she's there right next to him when he wakes up everyday!!!!!!! and if it were that they can't pay rent they've got so many friends willing to help out!!!!! and he also loves all these friends!!!!! his life...... IS GOOD!!! LIFE... IS GOOD....!!!!!!!!!

he loves life he loves being alive. even if there are so many complicated feelings haruka is so happy he is alive. and wherever it is konoha is happy too. embrace the world with childlike wonder and joy, OKAY?? PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET EARTH.

[purpleandstarlight]

@hateweasel I'm back with more past DLTD reactions!

-Me: Okay so apparently it was a year since Alois was last put in detention and he lost his 'fame' as a delinquent?? Character development. I mean, he's in detention right now, but still-

-Me and my best friend being Travis stans is a costant. We were hype about him FINALLY having a Travis PoV chapter.

-Travis, in that chapter, says that if Cielois ever got engaged, he would be sure to give them a discount, wich i found really sweet. Now I'm wondering, in the future... were the rings made by Travis' mother or did Ciel commission them from someone else? I don't remember...its been too long..please tell me if you're reading this, Hate.

-Me losing it from how funny it is that everything happens at Warwick (despite knowing that it's bc it's the MCs' school) upon starting the Black Annis case and musing about how the other students should have just gone to Weston or some other less chaotic school.

-So, during the whole Ciel-Fights-Alois-While-Under-The-Effects-Of-The-Fear-Poison, Ciel says "Your blood tastes just as good as the rest of you" and I was like "I really didn't want to know that"

-After hurting Alois and coming back to his senses, Ciel is scared and feels guilty so he keeps avoiding him, wich hurts Alois as well as himself, so the whole household is upset about the situation in return. When I told my friend about it, she went "Nooo they're in their divorce arc!" and it killed me 💀

-I was talking about how Cielois & Co were scared of the council kicking up a fit and killing them bc of the drug controlling Ciel, but I was calm bc I trust Integra, and tbh that was my modus operandi about most if not every interaction the demons ever had with HELLSING...and I'm not even a HELLSING watcher/reader...

-Btw i also stanned Oliver's dad EXTREMELY. He's a good man and a good father.

-I was really sad about Alois not wearing the short shorts anymore bc they were funny to me. Now I'm not anymore, tho I gotta say I always missed his crossdressing? Like although he did it so often mostly for attention (as he himself says in the sequel) I gotta say I miss the "So what's wrong if I'm a man and like to crossdress?" thing he did. Luckly Kris picked up the slack and crossdressed in that Pride chapter. U GO KRIS.

- So Integra goes into the specific of the experiment to Humanize Ciel and then asks everyone if they're okay with saying he's innocent in the attack to Alois and everyone but one gets his hand up and I was really mad abt that one but then I found out that it's just that the guy was asleep bc he was extremely old and it was really funny to me.

-About the paintball fight the 7 did where (I think) the others put Alois and Ciel alone in two different teams thinking it would put them at a disadvantage, my friend was like "I love how they did that bc if Cielois was together the others would be defeated in half a second (Bathroom Break included in that time)"

- Me: I still don't understand why the rest of the Seven is like "You guys never do anything chill and normal!!" like...The fashion show?? The summer vacations?? The host club???

My friend: Exactly, c'mon! The fact that like half of those ends in chaos anyway is not their fault...

Me: LMAO. I mean, though, most of those went normally? The only chaotic time I can think of is when they found out about Luka's soul being back and had to make a whole ass ritual in the basement to give him a body.

My friend: Still normal enough if you ask me.

Me: Yeah, normal teenager behavior 💀

My friend: Everyone does that!

[roberrtphilip]

okay the other day you asked me abt adam’s parents’ deaths because you were “thinking about parents and such” 🧐🧐 what exactly were you thinking about, HUH??

ah, thoughts of Robert and his struggles as a single parent have taken over my mind the last couple days, so it had me thinkin' about parenthood and things involving parents, etc, etc

My headcanon is that Vanessa left them when Morgan was 6 months old, and that’s… she was So Young, and Robert was also Very Young !! Like idk I was just thinking about how he would worry he was doing Everything Wrong, and what if Morgan stopped liking him? She’d always been closer to him than Vanessa before, but after the divorce, he noticed Morgan went from being a quiet, calm baby, to a fussy one who cried way more often and Robert was very much like “oh, oh she hates me…” and then !! He had to work, right, and he didn’t have any family around who could watch Morgan, which meant he had to put her in daycare, and Morgan did not like that. She’d cry every time he dropped her off, and Robert would feel so guilty about it because he was worried Morgan thought he was abandoning her the way Vanessa did. So, he’d just sit at work with said guilt eating away at him all day, and then when he picked her up, he’d end up basically holding her all night to make sure she knew he was always going to come back.

I also think about how, like, this was the start of Robert’s depression spiral, right? And I was thinking about how he wouldn’t have even been able to focus on his own problems, because he had a baby to take care of. Like, I think after the divorce was finalized, he tried drinking just bc, ya know, drown your troubles away, but then Morgan would start crying, and he was kinda tipsy trying to calm her down, which just made him feel worse because his mind was screaming that He Shouldn’t Be Drinking !! He has a Baby to Take Care of !!!! So, he stopped, which is good, obviously, but it also meant that, when she was asleep, he was just alone with his Depressed Thoughts, which I think would’ve probably led to him drowning himself with work, instead. Just anything to take his mind off how shitty he felt. (Which becomes a problem later, and Giselle finds herself telling him "you need a break... Robert, you need a break!!!" and perhaps they have small arguments about that.)

Also, I mentioned once that my headcanon is he tried to date Nancy the year after his divorce happened, but things didn’t work because he was just Too Busy raising a baby, yeah? And that is certainly a factor, for sure, but I also think that Robert felt kind of guilty about it. Like, he went on a date with Nancy, and left Morgan with a babysitter, and he thought things would be okay, but then he got a call from said babysitter saying that it had been an hour and she wouldn’t stop crying, and is there any trick to this because She Will Not Stop !!!! And Robert was like “…I need to go home now.”

and well, when I mentioned the Philip family has separation anxiety in my last fic,,,, they really do !!!!!

but anywho, yeah. I keep thinking about how he didn't really have any friends outside of coworkers because he just didn't have time for a social life anymore, and he was raising a baby by himself and constantly worried about fucking up, and I poke fun of his apartment being an absolute mess (damn bitch, you live like this?) but did he even have time to clean???? did he even have the mental energy to wash a dish? ? to do his laundry??? it's a miracle he even had a girlfriend when he did, because girl.... when did he find the time and energy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (another day wishing they'd just made him single, but whatever)

[androidboy]

abuse tw

when i was little my mom would slap me if i really fucked up and one time my sister lied about something and my mom hit me harder than she had ever done before and had kept her ring on and i remember lookin at myself in the mirror at the little indent the ring left absolutely seething and wishing that it would stay so my teacher would ask questions. it was SUPER rare that i got hit i wasn’t bein abused as a kid or anything but i remember that so clearly and i still feel that angry little girl in me sometimes.

like having to live with my family the last few years i was bein fuckin yelled at and shoved and kicked and pinned and then i had to go to work the next day and act like everything was fine but sometimes it felt not enough. like my mom would be pushing me and all i could think abt was how bad i wanted her to punch me in the face and how i wanted to show up to work bruised and how my coworker would get all protective and coddle me and it felt very fucked up and it feels even more fucked up that i still want that. sometimes i crave something mildly bad happens to me enough to leave a mark and enough to get someone to ask if i’m ok. but i AM ok. i’m out. nobody’s calling me a burden. nobody’s touching me in any negative way

even when i WAS in the mix of things it wasn’t that bad? i was never injured never bruised and it makes me feel guilty that ppl out there are actually getting abused and i was there bein fine wishing i was and now it’s even worse?

anyways i think i hit myself in my sleep and now i have a bruise under my eye and it’s bringing that feeling back and it’s kinda like oh NOW i get a black eye and it feels very unfair bc now if someone gets concerned all ive got is that i got myself in the eye while i was sleeping. never told anyone irl about anything my mom did bc i was embarrassed but if someone i felt safe with asked then i would’ve told them. end of pity party post is it obvious i’m not seeing a therapist rn

[hi-my-name-is-cosmopathy]

Hi guys I just wanted to share something with y'allI

idid say this before but I deleted the post but I have plans for creating TTTE Fan Episodes and I just wanna share you one

( @just-a-douglas-simp-existing come take a look at this)

It's actually abt Donald and Douglas. The episode is about them getting nightmares of losing each other. Donald gets a nightmare that he never confronted the spiteful brakevan and Douglas topples over the frickin hill, falling down and dies. And for Douglas, he gets a nightmare that he performed poorly and is going to be sent back, but Donald sacrifices himself takes his place for scrap.

It's implied that they ignored it at first but CLEARLY that isn't doing anything. So, they try to take initiative. Donald tries to stay closer to Douglas and watch over him, and Douglas tries to stray away from Donald and do his jobs for him. Yeah you can see how this doesn't end well. And it goes on for a week or so. The engines already thought it was suspicious enough that Douglas didn't wanna work with Donald but they assumed it was bcus they had some fight or whatever.

Anyway the problem gets worse when snow comes around and they have to work separately. Yeah and no shet there was a blizzard and Donald has an accident and gets lost in the fookin snow. And now Douglas is worried as shet and regrets all his decisions..Well obviously Donald is saved and the twins have a heart to heart moment at the steamworks and they're finally telling each other EVERYTHING. Then it's like— the first time the twins cry in years. Bill, Ben and the Fat Controller just look and the clay twins just look at TFC and say "Sir, I think you need to do what you must," "what is it?" "bring them to therapy."

and he does. There may be a few hiccups but the twins are slowly being more honest with each other now :⟩

I made this episode for different reasons. First of all, most of the episodes Mattel and HiT gives us Abt the twins is them fighting and fighTING aND FIGHTING GOSH ITS SO BORING AND UNENTERTAINING!! ITS THE SAME THING EVERY EPISODE GIVE US SOMETHING NEW— so I did.

Second of all, self projection. It's not quite often but there are times where I regret not being and older sibling to my siblings and there are things I wished I didn't do to them. So now I'm the responsible one out of them. But, when it's comes to schoolwork, I think my sister is just plain out annoyed with me cus sometimes it's like she does all the homework for me and I just...follow. I feel the to become independent from her. I could talk to her Abt this cus sometimes she just gives me the answers even when I don't ask for it, but I'm too ashamed of myself. This doesn't really happen anymore but I still feel guilty.

Now, last of all, it's because of the thing that made Donald and Douglas special to me. You see, in most media, identical twins are utilized for fun comedy and shenanigans. They're like, the jokesters of the group. But then there's these two. While Awdry was writing them, instead of making a story about two, silly and mischievous twins and there shenanigans, it's about hard-working, no-nonsense twins who enjoy mischief at times, but would do ANYTHING to keep the other alive, even if it means DYING. It's a fresh new breath of air for someone like me (i have a twin).

So yeah I mixed this shet up and got "Lost In A Blizzard".

Okie thas all leave your thoughts in reblogs

[omgpoindexter]

hi there, adhd anon again-

i wanted to address some things in your previous reply, but only if its still welcome!!

basically everything you said resonates with a real experience of mine AND my adhd familys, because i havent gone to college yet but when my mum did the first time, she immediately had a terrible time with assignments and procrastination and actually dropped out (even though she was a model student in high school), and she ended up being diagnosed in her 40s. i was also essentially doing the last minute scraping from the second i started high school (+ the still doing pretty ok but feeling you could do better and being mad at yourself for just. NOT starting it. every single time) and the sitting still on my phone doing leisure activities completely unable to enjoy it because of the guilt and mystification at why im just sitting there.

anyway, i wanted to say that the reason i continued this conversation is because if you feel that its not a big enough deal to be worth the hassle of diagnosis, then i understand completely, but if its affecting your life and, crucially, your self esteem and confidence, then i can say from personal experience that meds really do have an effect! it just becomes so easy to just CHOOSE to do something and then you actually DO IT too! so if you feel like its worth it i would recommend it.

anyway omg this got so long im just really impassioned about people feeling bad abt smth they cant control wjdkarjsjs

of course, it’s super welcome, you’re so sweet to reach out like this!! <3

tbf i relate to a lot of that, and especially feeling you could do better if you could just start it, but not starting it and being mad at yourself. i spent so much of my university years feeling guilty but not telling anyone about it, and because a lot of my uni experience happened during covid nobody was checking up on us much and i could get away with just not doing anything for ages. omg AND we got an essay extension because of covid and i could have used that time so well if i just started things but i just… didn’t. and i never knew why

to be honest i’d be nervous to even approach it. i have no idea where i’d go or who i’d talk to, or if they’d even take me seriously. atm i feel like it’s not affecting me much but i know that the next time i have something like the thing i just finished (miracle) and end up procrastinating i’ll feel guilty again. and isn’t that such an odd feeling - just knowing that i’ll make the same mistake again and still making it?

anyway thank you so much for taking the time to message me. you’re so kind and i really appreciate it! you’ve given me something to think about and it’s lovely to hear it from people with experience, rather than self diagnosing from a random tumblr post and getting nervous! lol <3

[my-mt-heart]

U know, i feel sometimes the writing is strange. When Daryl punched Negan, he felt guilty for Glenn's death and cried apologizing to Maggie. When he and Maggie went behind Rick's back in 9a, they've never been held responsible by no one not even themselves.

I guess having Daryl's looking for Rick's body for years was supposed to show the guilt he felt, same as Carol taking care of him in the meantime discreetly because she knew how he felt, but i actually think we were robbed of Daryl crying in Carol's arms showing his guilt. Even if it wasnt necessarily his fault, not saying this. But this should have led to a more moving conversation than the "i never found the body" in 9x7. We could have also had a moment with Carol saying "i know things were rocky sometimes betwen him and i but i miss him too u know". Carol never talked abt Rick. Hello??

As for Maggie, i initially thought this mess with Rick was the reason things were tensed with Michonne but it ended up being for totally different reason.

In general, they have Carol never talking abt her feelings, which yes is in character but at the same time its a bit too convenient for me: "good, since she's so reserved, we wont have to bring this topic anymore", like Lizzie and Mika.

I feel that what happens behind the scenes (like actors leaving for instance) affects way too much what ends up on screen: Michonne's departure (i dont judge her for going to find Rick, but how come no one ever asks where the hell she is?)

Like Maggie's departure and come back.. I mean it was easier when characters just died. But because they left open doors and windows for everyone now, because they want to Marvel themselves, it does look like a giant mess.

They also seem to rely too much on the "off screen" to resolve plots. Like Rosita/Gabriel breaking up, also, for example.

The only thing that was (at least since season 7) handled almost perfectly was Rick's departure, for me. Ok he didnt have a proper reconciliation with Maggie. But while he had a feud with Daryl , they later had a heart to heart, just in time before Rick's "death". Where is my heart to heart betwen Caryl? This should have happened in s11, before the end of the series, regardless of if the spin off was the two of them or just him.

I didnt hate Find me, but having it right after 10.16 (initially the finale of s10) where they were supposed to be reconciled made no sense to me, especially since nothing was openly resolved after, in Diverged AND since Diverged.

And they actually made it clear that there would be no heart to heart, now that i think abt it, when Carol said "i dont need an apology apology is just a truce". It was clear in that moment for me that it would be left like that, boom, deal with it people. So no on screen resolution of their feud either.

What do u think?

I agree it's extremely frustrating when the business side (and people's personal agendas) bleed into the creative side too much, and TWD is definitely one of those shows that made a mess of itself because of that. S9 and S10 weren't perfect. There were too many characters and the pacing got a little too clunky at times, but there were really strong character narratives that kept me engaged the whole way through, and I found myself rooting for Caryl more passionately following the three-season dry spell. S11 is where it all fell apart for me because it was like everything that S10 had been building toward suddenly meant nothing, the characters were behaving strangely, there was no payoff, there was very little emotional realism, and the ending was insulting. The spinoffs are even more concerning because they don't feel like the next chapter for the characters that we love, they just feel like one giant retcon. Like there's very little attention being paid to the loyal audience that made the spinoffs possible in the first place.

[luxsea]

KICKS IN THE DOOR GIF. 3, 4, 9, 19, 21, 29, 31, 32. ok love you mwah

blorbo jail for moji 1000 years! >:) love you too mwahahaha thank you for the ask, i may have went overboard w my responses >.<

3. What is your character’s moral alignment?

for the most part, lux is chaotic good! their actions are not really motivated by any desire to be a good person, they simply stand up for others freedom and their right to make decisions for themselves. you can do whatever you want forever and ever <3 there are traumatic events in their past that very well could've lead them down a remorseful path but they instead eventually accepted each step of their journey and the people they meet as a learning experience. and when they care deeply for someone, all morals go out the window if it means keeping them safe. they may be pure chaos at times but they have respect for the knowledge and passions of other people and they do not steal from an honest working man. but the gods can kiss their ass for all they care.

4. How did you choose your Tav’s name, if you gave them a unique one?

any jokes i could make abt needing to escape character creation after being trapped remaking lux for a week aside, the reasoning behind why i chose their name is very multifaceted. it's mainly inspired by tiefling virtue naming convention, a name they choose for themself after they left their home and is symbolic of who they aspire to be. to focus on that glimmer of hope despite everything and shine for others. they also have a great appreciation for art and a good shiny. and they literally have to be the shiniest thing in the room. "i am a (lux)ury few can afford" etc. lux is also short and sweet like tav! :) i really like latin names and will never escape the kingdom hearts fan allegations (guilty) they don't have a family last name because [redacted] and i don't know if they would keep their trade last name if they had one. they deserve a title though, something badass to match their fury of avernus wifey >:) when i find the perfect one i'll let you know!

9. What is your Tav’s biggest priority or goal?

their biggest priority during the game is to avoid the main quest at all cost. "i quite like the worm and the powers it grants me actually" is to be a light in the darkness for the companions they're closest with on their personal journeys. they want to find a way to fix karlachs engine because she deserves to enjoy her life despite the injustices shes suffered, to make sure shadowheart doesnt feel alone in the world as she discovers who she truly is and to help wyll find an alternate path from the endless cycle of duty and self sacrifice. there is always a way. lux is the designated leader of the group and they won't let anything bad happen to their friends especially now that they have found a sense of belonging again, they wouldn't dare fail them and they'll set the world on fire if they have to.

19. Who is your Tav romancing, if anyone?

oh... you know ;3 the big secret around camp is that lux is romancing karlach, totally not obvious to literally everyone!! these two make me feel very mentally ill you know this. the nature of my own immediate karlach favoritism and her being very much my type lead to a lot of coincidentally great chemistry between the two ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and even though i very much believe they'd only be committed to each other, i love exploring the dynamic of a polyship with shadowheart and if the game allowed it past act 1. they're a sun/moon/star trio and make me feel so soft ;-; lux will be romancing shadowheart in my 2.0 playthru :') if im strong enough to resist romancing karlach again sdfdfgsdfd

21. If you’re romancing anyone, who fell first and who fell harder?

these types of things with karlux can be a bit difficult to pinpoint considering they were instantly fond of each other and developed feelings pretty quickly, accelerated by their circumstances. karlach was never able to think about romance during her time in avernus and once she's free she's just grateful to be alive, she would be content just finding a way to cool down and hug someone. so falling in love was certainly not something she expected- and neither did lux. karlach falls in love after the many cozy campfire talks and the risky kiss they share under the stars. she tells herself what they have between them is casual, that she doesn't mind sharing lux if they pursue someone else but she's really just repressing the extent of her feelings because of the limitations of her engine. but to see lux fight so hard to find a solution, and caring for her so much, that's when she knows. and lux ofc is super in love with her already but it hits them hard during karlachs second engine upgrade at last light. the excitement for both of them to finally being able to touch eachother mixing with the horrors of the ultimatum that is given on her life. karalch could die at any moment and she accepts that, but for lux, who is realizing they love her so much that they cannot imagine their life without her... that love is insurmountable and terrifying.

29. How easily offended are they? How do they act when offended?

i think their lived experiences have left them able to tolerate the petty stuff. in their travels they've heard pretty much every insult under the sun but they draw the line when other people are being degraded or oppressed. they try their best to be firm in their boundaries and what they don't tolerate. this isn't because they're all calm and collected, they're simply too aware of how dangerous they could potentially be if they let their anger take hold of them. this is something that can make them so powerful when they're in situations where they have to fight. but there is always risks and the nature of wild magic requires them to constantly question if it's worth it. and sometimes lux doesn't care.

31. How does your Tav dress for different occasions, like very fancy situations?

every occasion is a fancy situation, what do you mean? :^) lux's fashion sense can be a bit eclectic but when it comes to accessorizing, every piece is carefully picked and considered. they very much dress as a means of self expression and are also aware of how others respond to how you present yourself, using that to their advantage at times. i'm just saying, i think cleavage adds a charisma bonus and you can't tell me i'm wrong.

32. How did your Tav get their scars, if they have any?

their face scars originate from my first play through, i thought it would make sense two thirds through the journey that they would have some battle scars, especially considering how reckless they can be so i added it to the design. when i remade them for my 2.0 playthrough i kept the scar because i like when reiterations of a character retain details in honor of their past self :) this is tentative but i'm also experimenting with magical scaring on their hands, as if their magic sometimes burns right through them when they use their powers or even is rotting them from the inside out when they don't. it's a source of chronic pain they've had to live with which is why lux 2.0 even as a sorcerer makes a warlock pact in a desperate attempt to salve and control it. i would love to explore this idea more but for right now it's just a loose concept that also looks pretty badass c:

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