#I told him that this was the soonest available appointment and he then told me I should have just kept calling and that it’s all my fault.

[verycluelesscreature]

Don’t you just love it when you’re incredibly uncomfortable, socially awkward, and anxious. So then your body is like “okay, I know how to fix this. Let’s cry right now!” Like crying during a conversation isn’t even more embarrassinggg, awkward, and uncomfortable!!?!

[skunkes]

Congrats!! if u dont mind, how was it setting up for the surgery ? (Like scheduling it and exams before it)

ok I was actually very very lucky considering where I live and the usual experiences. it's different in every area! some people cant schedule the surgery until they've had a mandatory month long Thinking it Over period, some cant get it done without specific exams having been done first, etc

first of all after years of looking through this list I finally saw a single doctor listed for my city ! Doctor sterilized someone younger than me and childless, so I broke the news to my dad and made an appointment. This guy is always busy helping deliver every single baby born here so I had to wait a month to see him. (called June 3rd, scheduled for July 11th)

I have never been to a gyn before this. Only once, in highschool, across the border for a one time issue. Some people say to schedule a routine exam then bring the surgery up but I scheduled specifically for "surgery consult" -> "permanent birth control." bc im avoiding the necessary exams like the plague.

On the day of the consult i was sick with worry about the hoops id have to jump or what if he only sterilized that other person bc they had a specific medical issue so No I Can't Get It, but I saw him for less than 10 minutes total, he asked me like 2 questions about being sure, and that was it. I told him I had events at the end of Aug and Sept so he said we could do some time in first 2 weeks of august if I was ready. No gyn exams, nothing 😭 and BECAUSE he's so busy I'd likely be his first surgery of the day bc it takes him so little time (I was and it did!)

I had to make a call to the hospital to see if my insurance would cover the hospital services, while the surgery scheduler called to see if it would cover the doctor's services. On July 22 I was called to schedule my surgery, soonest available was today, August 7th! Was told pre op appointment was the 6th (yesterday) and I was sure that's where he would Get Me. like ok cheye lets do all those humiliating exams now. U can't get the surgery unless you do. but it also lasted 5 mins, he just game me the paperwork needed to register at the hospital, and let me ask him all 20 of my questions. nothing else.

Even at the hospital all I had to do the day before was Pee in Cup and Get Bloodwork Done.

finally a win for cheye... insanely grateful for this to have gone so well and so easily in my city. and grateful to keep evading things necessary for my health LMAO

I HAD QUESTIONS LIKE YOU DID THOUGH! so even though my experience probably isnt helpful, you can find the experiences of many other ppls scheduling, consults, insurance calls, and exams in this subreddit! They have lots of informational flairs/categories and ppl even make posts on things you can ask the doctor to bill the surgery as so that insurance has a better chance of covering all of it! I was OVERprepared for my consult from the info I got from here!!! I read every single experience throughout this entire time for mental prep!!!

[sawyerquinnbrown]

Adventures in Boob Removal

Check out my new blog post on Wordpress!

Where to start? Probably in April 2022, when I met with the first surgeon who was supposed to perform my top surgery.

This surgeon, who we will call Dr. Rude, began by explaining that my chest “wouldn’t look like a man’s chest” post-surgery, to which my non-binary ass replied,

“Good thing I’m not a man, then.”

Dr. Rude did not get the joke. He went on to complain about my having had a breast reduction surgery in the past, claiming I was “making [his] job more difficult.” I refrained from sarcastically apologizing,

“Sorry my understanding of my gender dysphoria didn’t happen sooner, good buddy.”

Anyway, it’s a good thing that first attempt at top surgery didn’t work out before my move to Chicago, because I wasn’t sure I could trust Dr. Rude, who had apparently never met a non-binary person before.

Once I moved to Chicago, however, it became clear that if I got my surgery there I would be waiting years for an appointment. The soonest they had for a consultation appointment was a year out. “Don’t bring your paperwork,” they told me, so to hell with that.

Instead I settled on flying to Boston for my surgery, since 1) I wouldn’t be waiting a year, 2) some of the best surgeons are in Boston, and 3) I have family and friends there with whom I could stay for my recovery.

My discussions with the receptionist at the new surgeon’s office (we’ll call him Dr. Did-My-Breast-Reduction-Six-Years-Ago Second Try) involved crossed wires, however.

“How long have you legally been a man?” they asked.

Puzzled, I replied, “No time. I’m non-binary.” This stumped the receptionist for a moment. “There’s an ‘X’ on my state ID?” I offered.

“Okay. And how long have you been on hormones?”

“I’m not on hormones.”

Once again this threw the receptionist for a loop, but we did manage to schedule a pre-surgical exam, so go us.

At the pre-surgical exam I met with the surgeon’s assistant, who spent about fifteen minutes flapping her hands over my boobs while she told me about the surgery. Fondling complete, she told me to wait in the lobby to schedule my surgery, and she’d see if Dr. Second Try was available to speak with me. So I waited in the lobby, where I was told my surgery couldn’t be scheduled until they submitted to my insurance anyway, at which point Dr. Second Try appeared, fully scrubbed- and masked-up, and announced to the room,

“So no nipples?”

“No nipples,” I confirmed with a thumbs up, glad that the entire waiting room now knew this.

Off I toddled back to Chicago to wait for my surgery date. The first time my info had been submitted to insurance, with Dr. Rude, it had taken about two weeks to hear back, so I was surprised that I hadn’t heard in three weeks. I finally got a call saying they’d never received my letter of approval from my psychiatrist.*

*This is a fun thing about being trans. It’s not enough to say to a doctor that you have gender dysphoria. First you have to go to a mental health professional to say you have gender dysphoria, then that mental health professional writes down that you have gender dysphoria and informs the doctor that hey, this person has gender dysphoria. Very efficient system, makes perfect sense.

“What do you mean you never got my letter? It’s the first thing I handed over at my exam.”

“We never got it.”

“It was in an orange folder.” They told me to hold.

Three minutes later: “We found the orange folder!”

“Why did it take three weeks to determine that you didn’t have my letter?” I asked politely, masking my understandable annoyance.

The scheduler said, snippy, “We have other things to do.”

Well excuse the shit out of me.

I’d go into more detail about the rest of the process, but everything went pretty smoothly for scheduling after that, as well as the surgery itself and the recovery (which was very itchy. No one warned me). The only moment of note was when I went to get my drains taken out (if you don’t know about drains, consider yourself very lucky).

The nurse who was assisting Dr. Second Try started to speak. “She–I mean, he–“

“They,” I corrected gently but wearily.

“They need more bandages,” she finished. Bless her, she was trying.*

*I find it a little odd that so many of the staff struggled with my pronouns and gender identity. This surgeon had done top surgeries many times before.

Anyhow, that was my top surgery adventure, and I’m finally able to lift my hands all the way over my head again. Yay! Though I do have something I call "phantom boob syndrome"--similar to phantom limb syndrome except that it means sometimes my chest will be itchy but no matter how much I scratch the itch won't go away because the itch is on my no-longer-existent boob. #suffering

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Stupid Doctors. Stupid Eyes.

So, did two doctors in one day. Two separate issues, remarkably similar difficulty in communicating and getting healthcare. Part of it MUST be the autism, but that CAN'T be all.

Doctor #1 was following up on a previous phone appointment. I had asked for an in-person appointment to lay out my case, told him I had almost a clean sweep of hypothyroid symptoms, told him I need a doctor who can handle my thyroid and "female hormones" (no other polite way to say, Can you handle all my hormones or not, you are a hormone doctor) because they interact with each other and if I have to keep ping-ponging back and forth between two doctors to work on this, I will not get adequate care. He started to ask about what estrogen I'd been on before during that appointment, but he backed off and tried to get me to see another gynecologist when I mentioned Canada kept running out of the patches I'd been prescribed. I tried to reiterate that if I have to square my treatment up between two doctors, I may die, but he said I might prefer an "expert."

I heard "you can use this other doctor if you're more comfortable with them," which I wouldn't have been, so I ran off and got a referral that would OK him to handle the estrogen and progesterone. He meant, "Under no circumstances will I handle that for you, even though I could. It's too complicated for me."

This became clear over the course of a five minute phone appointment, which I only accepted because it was the soonest one available. I thought he'd follow up in the office. And, although he wanted more blood work, I reminded him he told me the numbers were unreliable and he would need to address the symptoms, and he agreed with me, he just wanted the numbers too. Yesterday, numbers in hand, he told me my thyroid levels looked too high, so he was decreasing my dose, and I could have another blood test in three months. Bye. No discussion of unaddressed symptoms that don't look ANYTHING like hyperthyroid.

Did he get the referral? Could he address my "female" hormones? Well, he'd told my family doctor to refer me to that gynecologist! WHAT family doctor? That's not my family doctor anymore, he was fucking with my thyroid treatment that YOU prescribed me, among other very bad things, AND I LEFT HIM. I swear, I told the guy that LAST TIME.

OK. So I need a new endocrinologist who will actually handle all of my hormones, and I need to do all the research and find this person for myself, then ask the clinic to refer me to them. I could've started on this weeks ago if the fucker had just expressed himself in clear language. I TRIED to tell him as many ways that I could, "If you can't do that for me, I NEED ANOTHER DOCTOR," but he didn't hear that.

Doctor #2 was the surgeon who "fixed" my eyes so I can't maintain focus or acuity. I had a fight with the tech, and then with him, trying to explain the difference between, "I can read this, even though it's blurry, because I can guess what the letters are based on their basic shapes and the other letters in the line," and "You can read that just fine!" I tried to verbalize my struggles and this confused them. "Stop trying to focus on the letters, just read them." DON'T FOCUS ON THE LETTERS, JUST READ THEM???

They also had difficulty understanding the nature of the visual distortions. "Is this better or worse?" "My eyes get tired and stop focusing. It's not consistent." "But is it better or worse?" "I've been focusing on details for multiple letters now, and my eyes are refusing to stay in focus. I don't know." "Your prescription isn't consistent." *a pause, while my verbal ability crashes and I try to reset* "Wh-Why would it be?"

The doctor didn't know what binocular vision dysfunction was. Last time I saw him, I swear, the nurse asked what it was, and he explained it to her. It was brief and light on the details, but he did. Now he doesn't know what it is. He forgot since last year?

Also, I should not call the thing where a faint double of the image or text appears above or below it "double vision." "Double vision" is some other specific thing, not seeing two things, one of which is fainter. It's confusing for them when I call that "double vision." Cool. That makes very little sense to me and makes it even harder for me to keep talking. Thanks.

Anyway, they put me in front of a couple machines to take images and this time, FINALLY, I coughed up numbers that say something is wrong. My lenses are supposed to let light through at a "10." The left one is at a "9," which the doctor thinks is "not bad" and then he never addresses the blurriness in that eye again. Because the right one is at ".89". There's a decimal in there. It's less than one. This is severe. I must have a cataract.

But I only had the surgery because they thought my lenses looked fine and I wouldn't have cataracts for a decade or more! All of a sudden I have a cataract? "Well, let's dilate your eye and have a look!"

No cataract. He can't see anything. Yet he is holding an image with a number that says YES cataract.

Well, okay, I can read, so my vision isn't that bad (Oh, dear god) but let's give it a month, come back and see if the machine says the invisible cataract has progressed any. If it's still there and still invisible, you can have a referral to a cataract specialist. Oh, this has gone on so long, all the techs are at lunch. Well, they'll call you to make an appointment when they get back.

They still haven't called me, I guess they've been at lunch since yesterday.

I want my money back. I really, really do. If I have early-onset cataracts they missed, I did not have the information I needed to consent to that surgery. I don't think it's going to happen, though. Cataract surgery would be covered, if I just got a regular lens. But if I'm letting them cut into my eyeball and risk more pain and severe dry eye after all I've been through, I want a better lens - if that would work for me. God alone knows how I'll find a doctor whose opinion I trust to ask about that.

I still have no idea why the left eye is blurry and THEY CAN'T SEE ANY CATARACTS. This doctor is painfully nonchalant about having no idea WTF is going on. Hey, the surgery was a success! I can read! According to him! I don't have the endurance to draw or the speed to drive, but that's cool. No big deal.

Bleh. This is probably poorly-worded, with typos, but this is what's going on with me. This is what I'm trying to accomplish while still telling stories and enjoying life as the world falls apart. I'm a little tired and distracted, that's all.

[xellandria]

Some time toward the end of March, I broke a tooth. I don't remember the specific day but I can tell you it was a Thursday night cos it was during raid time, so I called my insurance-mandated dentist the next day aaaand... they're a Monday-Thursday joint. Suffered all weekend, called them on Monday and the earliest they could get me in for an emergency appointment was two weeks later. Which, you know, I took because what else was I going to do?

If you know me at all you know that this is one of my personal nightmares. I don't know why dentistry in general makes me as anxious as it does because it's not like I had bad teeth growing up or any specific bad dentist memories or anything (though I did randomly mentally scar myself by watching Ren & Stimpy once when I was too young for it, that's a vivid enough memory) but here we are.

Anyway two weeks later it turns out that it was my bottom right wisdom tooth, which somehow makes it at least a little better because the wisdom teeth are "optional" and you're not really expected to get through life with them, they're just kind of bonus teeth, right? At some point during the pandemic I'd broken both wisdom teeth on the left side of my mouth and when I'd tried getting dental attention for that everybody was closed because peak pandemic hours, so I've just been living with random spurts of tooth pain for years at this point. But anyway the dentist was going to put in a referral to an oral surgeon and I'd just get all four (three broken, one not broken yet) out. Sucks, but a routine enough thing. Also found out at that time that I had some cavities and the soonest they could get me in to deal with those was August.

Two or three weeks later I'd gotten the letter from my insurance saying that the preauth had gone through but the oral surgeon hadn't called me yet. I was in varying amounts of pain so I called the dentist asking both for the status of that referral ("oh we sent it over but here's their number you can call them") and for advice on what to do about the pain in the interim (where I had to go through a song and dance to prove I wasn't an addict but eventually got a low grade one-time prescription; I'm down to my last of those pills now). That was mid-May, two months after my initial dental emergency.

Called the oral surgeon, set up a consult appointment for that which was only available at a time when I had a different doctor's appointment already scheduled, which I then had to reschedule. Eventually got in to see the oral surgeon in the middle of June and asked him too many questions and it turns out that as the result of my questions and answers to the questions I asked, he couldn't do the surgery because he felt I was too anxious to be able to handle it without being fully sedated, which he was unable to do outside of a hospital setting due to legal... something... so he was going to notify my dentist and they would get me a referral to a different oral surgeon who works within a hospital setting so they could actually do the damn surgery.

Two weeks later I called my dentist again to find out what the status of that referral is, only to find out that no, my oral surgeon hadn't actually told my dentist about that so they were under the impression that things were working smoothly on my end. They started the referral process then but of course we're now in the start of July and I've been dealing with this since the end of March and... you know.

Middle of July comes around and I get a text right at the end of one of my spravato sessions from a maxillofacial and oral surgery center to call them at whatever number to set up an appointment. Except they don't say where they are.

They're in Portland. That's a three and a half hour drive away. But they are, apparently, the closest available full sedation oral surgeon covered by my insurance so I GUESS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW.

My consultation appointment with them is next Thursday--which yes, I have to do in person, which means an eight hour round trip just to have them look into my mouth in person and be like "yeah you need surgery" and then set up the actual surgery, which will probably be a multi-day thing because it's full sedation so they'll need to keep an eye on me afterwards. My mom and I have no idea what we're going to do about the cats; depending on what time of day the surgery ends up being scheduled for it's possible she'll drive me up the day before and I'll stay in a hotel then take a taxi to the hotel at like 6am or whatever the day of, then she'll drive back up to pick me up the day after. I have no idea. The other option is dragging both cats three and a half hours up to a cat-friendly hotel in Portland and hanging out there for two days. We'll see.

Circling back around to the actual dentist, yesterday was the appointment for some of the fillings in those cavities they discovered while I was there. It was supposed to be an hour long but I was sitting in the chair unsupervised for ten minutes before the dentist came in and said that the nurse+he had talked and decided I was too anxious to get my fillings done outside of full sedation too and he was going to put in a referral to a guy in Redmond to do that under IV sedation as well. I was just fucking sitting there! I wasn't hyperventilating or anything! My blood pressure was fine! WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE, I WAS DOING PRETTY WELL I THOUGHT?

Anyway so now that's up in the air too. At least while I was there I got a prescription for another ~15 pills to hopefully keep me alive until the actual surgery. Unfortunately I'm writing all this at four, five in the morning because it's a bad pain day and I keep getting woken up by the pain in my mouth and throughout the writing of all this the tramadol should have kicked in and hasn't done shit so I don't really know what I'm going to do at this point. I'm so tired of all this. It's been five months and nothing has actually been done.

[alstroemeriadissonance]

Is it okay to be selfish? 🥺 I’m going to be a bit selfish… Hopefully this is inspiring!

Rosa is so stressed from work/something awful happened and she’s suffering from nightmares that are robbing her of precious sleep. How would Vyn comfort her and/or solve the problem? 🤔

(Btw you’re a god on this platform and I love and adore your work. Have some 🍰🍷 you deserve it!)

Treatment (NSFW)

"Well, this is something new."

Dr. Vyn Richter smiled at his new patient from across his executive desk, then directed his attention onto the text displayed on the tablet in front of him.

He pursed his lips upon reading the initial symptoms assessment taken by his research center assistant. "Hmm. 'Nightmares that cause mild distress, and short-term insomnia'."

"Miss Rosa," he looked up from the tablet, his piercing gold gaze looking straight into her soul. "You know that I am at your complete disposal anytime, and that you did not have to put in an appointment. And yet you did."

He let out a sigh as he briefly took off his glasses to rub his eyes. "You do know how invested I am in your well-being." Vyn once again slid his glasses up his nose.

"Yet here I am seeing that...this has been going on for a few days now? Why did I not hear mention of this earlier?"

A mild admonishment.

"I'm sorry, Vyn," Rosa stifled a yawn. "I honestly didn't want to bother you with something as minor as nightmares."

Vyn dropped his smile. "Anything innocuous that becomes disruptive, is no longer innocuous." A sigh. "You look tired, weary. You should have told me at the very least, when the nightmares started recurring."

"Mm. I did actually. Or rather I put in an appointment after the nightmare happened the second time. Today was the soonest available slot I could get." Rosa smiled wanly at him. "Anyway, I thought of taking this chance to see how it feels like, being Dr. Richter's patient."

A nervous laughter escaped her lips.

"And, how did the experience go so far?" Warmth seeped back into Vyn's face as he regarded his lover with nothing but fondness.

"Pleasant, actually," Rosa replied. "I did have an impression that your schedule was packed, but your assistant was kind enough to give me a heads up and make sure my wait was comfortable."

Vyn nodded approvingly. "I am glad. I appreciate you putting in a good word for my staff as well. So..."

The psychiatrist stood up from his executive chair, going around his table to hug his lover from behind her seat.

His silver wisps flowed and mingled with Rosa's auburn strands as he bent over to kiss the top of her head.

"Rosa, Rosa..." he murmured into her hair. "Why must you worry me so? I do not like the idea that you are languishing in something that is well within my realm of expertise to fix." His fingers gently caressed her cheek.

"I didn't want to worry you, Vyn," Rosa pressed her cheek into Vyn's palm. His fingers felt slightly cool to the touch, but she found it comforting to her warm skin. "I figured that the nightmares would go away on their own, but..." she sighed, closing her eyes and relishing the feel of his fingers as they started running through her hair.

"I love you, Rosa, you know that," Vyn said quietly. "I always worry about you. You occupy my waking thoughts. Always."

"And I didn't want to add to that, Vyn," Rosa said. "I know how you already put me first..."

"And I would not have it any other way, beloved," Vyn said, softly yet firmly. "I will take care of you. But not here. I prefer a separation between my professional and private life."

Another kiss on the top of her head. "Come. Let us go home."

===

After dinner, the psychiatrist decided that it was a good idea for them to unwind in his study, before they made preparations for bedtime.

Vyn placed a steaming cup of lavender and mint herbal infusion in front of Rosa, who was seated by his mahogany work table.

After browsing through his personal vinyl record collection, he mounted his choice record for the night on the turntable and put on the needle. Jazz standard music flowed out of the speakers, setting the mood for relaxation.

"How is it, my beloved?" Vyn asked, referring to the herbal drink, as he sat himself in the chair across her with his book in hand. "Do you wish to take it with some milk?"

"Mhm. No need. This is perfect, Vyn. Thank you." Rosa took the cup and saucer to appreciate the aromatic steam. "This smells lovely...is this one of your personal blends?"

"Yes. I take it whenever I have trouble falling asleep," Vyn murmured as he opened his book, resuming his leisurely read from a dog-eared page.

A comfortable silence fell upon the lovers: Vyn engrossed in his book, and Rosa enjoying her cup of soothing herbal blend.

Jazz standards continued to play from Vyn's favorite turntable. The music was neither soporific nor stimulating; it was just right for the purpose of letting themselves indulge in a little downtime before sleeping.

Vyn was of the mind that no matter how busy the work day, there should be some time allotted for oneself; be it to read a book, enjoy a cup of soothing beverage, listening to music or even watching a favorite TV show.

The loss of such a time would only lead to an erosion of identity; the start of the slippery slope where ultimately one would only exist solely for responsibility, and nothing left for oneself. This would inevitably lead to stress, and along with stress comes a variety of mental distress, including nightmares...

"Vyn, I thought we're spending time here in your study to talk about my nightmares...?" Rosa gently broke through the sweet silence.

Vyn looked up from his book. "No need. If we are to talk about your nightmares, it would be best to talk about it when we are in bed, about to sleep." A small smile. "You may want to take advantage of having someone knowledgeable in psychology as your...companion in bed."

He bent over, reaching out to her cheek with a light brush of his knuckle. "What is most important right now, is to let you have some time for yourself. Relax. Do you want me to get you something to go along with your drink? Or do you wish for another? Mind, I do not recommend alcohol, as tempting as it sounds."

Rosa put down her now empty cup. "Can I ask for something else, Vyn?"

"But of course. What does my love desire?"

"Can I have a kiss?" Rosa flashed him a small, shy smile. "A kiss from Dr. Richter...um. Never fails to make me feel better."

Rosa covered her face with her hands as soon as she said those words; a furious blush had crept all over her face.

Vyn shook his head, smiling. "Of course. If you only knew how much I wanted to, in the first place..."

He placed his book onto the table.

Vyn then knelt in front of Rosa, with his hands folded on her lap. He looked at her through his long silver lashes, a hint of a mischievous smile playing on his lips.

"Feel free to claim your kiss," he whispered.

In a fit of impulse he took off his eyeglasses, setting them on the table as well. His smile only grew wider when, despite his myopic vision, he could make out Rosa's face gain a deeper red flush as she beheld his face now unimpeded by spectacles.

"Come, kiss me," he beckoned to her again.

Vyn let her take the lead as they locked lips; everything not Rosa was blotted out from his senses--all he could see, touch, smell, hear, taste was all Rosa.

Their tongues entwined, and Vyn could definitely taste the lavender and mint from her tongue. The kiss melted him so much that he found himself draping upon her lap, moaning her name into her mouth as Rosa coiled her arms around him, gathering him into her embrace.

"Rosa," he breathed as she let him surface a bit for air. "Rosa, I love you..." He could feel himself grow hard with utter desire as his lover helped herself to him by sucking on his tongue.

"I know, Vyn," she smiled as he cradled him close to her. "I love you too."

His senses were awash with Rosa--all he could see and smell was her and her alone. Hair smelling of soft cotton. Base notes of roses left on her skin, along with a little salt...so damn arousing... Vyn found everything about her quite intoxicating--it was very tempting to just reach out and pull her down onto the floor with him...

"Silly woman," Vyn let out a soft laugh as his hands reached out to grab the armrests on Rosa's chair, gripping them to steady himself and also to stop himself from ravishing her on that very spot. "I was not planning on arousing you. I wanted you to sleep in a relaxed state as much as possible."

"I'm sorry," Rosa giggled. "You just looked so handsome reading right in front of me."

"Really now," Vyn's lips curved into a rakish smile. "I am flattered that you think of me so highly. But," he pushed himself up off the floor and planted a kiss on her forehead. "It is almost bedtime, so we better get ready. Come," he said as he slid his eyeglasses up his nose once again.

He chuckled inwardly as he heard Rosa sigh and mutter something about being 'cock-blocked'.

===

Finally having showered and changed into their bedclothes, the both of them went to bed with Vyn holding Rosa in his arms, as he silently listened to her recount how her nightmares usually went.

"It always starts with a feeling of being lost." Rosa murmured against the crook of his neck. "Then someone is chasing after me. I...I'm not sure how he looks like, but in my mind once he catches me I'll be killed, stabbed to death with his knife." She paused. "I always wake up when he catches me."

"And how do you feel when he does?" Vyn absent-mindedly played with Rosa's slightly damp auburn curls with his fingers, all focus directed towards listening to her.

"I scream a lot in my dream." Rosa laughed nervously. Her thoughts came in a barely-coherent jumble. "Not sure if I also scream in real life. Terrified. Because he'll kill me...everything goes black..."

Rosa moved closer to him, absorbing more of Vyn's body warmth as much as she could through his silk robe. "Then I wake up in the middle of the night, and I would have a hard time falling asleep after that."

"Ah, poor Rosa," Vyn pulled her closer to him. One of his hands slowly run over her back in an attempt to soothe and calm her. "I will be here, and I will personally oversee your progress throughout the course of the treatment, which may extend for a couple of weeks." A reassuring kiss on her forehead. "Will this be acceptable?"

"Progress?" Rosa looked at him questioningly. "What's your treatment plan, anyway?"

"Basically," Vyn began, "I will be trying a simplification of something called imagery rehearsal therapy. It is an interesting thing. It calls for rewriting the ending of your nightmare to cushion or eliminate the threat in the dream."

"Taking the fangs out of the nightmare, you mean."

"Exactly."

"I'd ask how you would do it but," Rosa yawned behind her hand. "I'm sleepy..."

"Just about time," Vyn said as he reached out to turn off the bedside lamp. A comfortable darkness settled within Vyn's bedroom; he gently shifted Rosa a bit so her back was flush against his chest as he spooned her, his arms coiled protectively around her shoulders and waist.

"Good night, my dearest. Let us take care of your nightmare together," he murmured against the nape of her neck. "Do not worry; I am here."

"Thanks, Vyn. I love you."

===

Vyn awoke to Rosa trembling in his arms.

His eyes glanced at the illuminated LED clock. 2:45 AM. Just about time for her REM sleep to kick in.

He shifted himself carefully so he could put his ear near her mouth. Panting. Fast, shallow breathing. His fingers gently sought out her wrist, and lightly touched the spot where the radial artery was located. Raised heart rate. He estimated her heart rate would be about 130. Average heart rate for someone running...

She is running. In her dream.

In the scant illumination from the garden lamps outside he could make out her lower lip trembling.

"...no," whispered Rosa.

She was in distress.

Vyn set out to work.

He did tell her that he was going to apply imagery rehearsal therapy, an activity that was usually carried out in his office, through conversations and exchange of ideas. However...

Since this was his Rosa, he was going to fix this problem the best that he could, which could also mean him resorting to unconventional means.

As for the therapy itself, without his complete arsenal available in his research center, all Vyn could do for now is to try and send suggestions to Rosa's subconscious through her dreams.

For it to even happen, he would have to hope for Rosa to be in that state of half sleep, half wakefulness where external stimuli gets woven into the fabric of her dreams...

Here goes.

Vyn brought his lips to her ear. "Love..."

===

Once again, that heavy feeling of dread. Once again, you are in one of the deserted back alleys of the CBD area, and there's no one to help you. Dark, only dark surrounds you and only dark lies ahead of you. You try to run as quietly as you can to try and not draw attention towards you. Run, run, run, but your footsteps echo still. Your heels click-clack loudly as you run but it's too late now to stop. You try to run as fast as you can but why are your steps bogged down, why are movements so slow, why is it that you can't reach the other end of the alley?

The palpable feeling of immense dread courses through your veins. He is here. He is here. He is here. He is here.

He is here.

He is--

"Nnghhh," you try to cry out but nothing comes out of your throat. You feel him come closer. At first he is by the entrance of the alleyway you just came from. Then you feel him get closer, closer, closer--

He is just behind you now.

"No..." your voice manages to get through, in a strangled cry. Try as hard as you might you are now frozen in place and there's nowhere to run. He is now behind you, and you recoil, gnashing your teeth as you expect the inevitable strike--

A hand takes hold of yours.

"Love," says a familiar voice. "It is only me."

Your eyes open. You feel strong arms hug you from behind, lovingly. "Why are you scared? Why are you running away from me?"

A kiss on the top of your head.

"Love. Look at me."

He gently turns you around, effortlessly moving you despite the invisible quagmire that held you in place.

It's Vyn. His beautiful moonlight hair and champagne eyes. Smiling at you. Love. Only love.

"Why are you so scared?" A soft laugh. "I was looking all over for you, only to find you running away from me."

You don't reply--you can't reply--but instead you return his hug, clinging to your savior desperately. It's Vyn. Only Vyn. Why were you so scared? You find yourself crying silently as you cling to his shoulders. It's Vyn. You're safe.

"Ssh. You are safe now, do not cry," he whispers.

Then his lips upon yours. His tongue slips past your lips and slides against your own. You feel his hands slide gently down your body, his hands palming your buttocks and then grabbing at your ass cheeks, pressing your pelvis against his thighs, all the while he sucks on your tongue. He briefly surfaces from the kiss to say, "I want you," then resumes devouring your lips and tongue as he slowly grinds his erection against your stomach...

You are in the middle on a dark alley.

But no matter, you're in too deep now.

===

"Hahh--" Vyn, now fully naked with his silk robe already discarded to the floor, braced himself on top of Rosa as he kissed her with tongue. He made sure to keep his weight distributed to both of his elbows planted by either side of her on the mattress, so he does not burden her with his full weight and run the risk of waking her.

He pressed his hard cock against her abdomen, grinding it against her but careful not to apply too much pressure. It was all too tempting to let himself go, but Vyn willed himself to delay his gratification until the very last moment after Rosa is made to orgasm...

Rosa is still asleep, and is still under REM stage. However gone now are her tremors borne of terror; they were now replaced by telltale moans of sexual arousal.

Vyn had successfully flipped her nightmare into a wet dream.

Which poses a different daytime distraction, but still...

Direct intervention was never a requirement for imagery rehearsal therapy, as it could be done by the patient alone after a bit of guidance.

However, Vyn fancied being a little extra in resolving Rosa's nightmare problem.

(This would introduce a new set of problems, but one step at a time, Vyn thought)

Rosa's hips moved against his, moaning all throughout, still in the throes of sleep.

One of Vyn's hands slipped underneath her satin camisole, sliding upwards until his palm cupped her swell of her breast. He teased her nipple to hardness by running the skin of his palm against it; and he was rewarded by a soft mewling that escaped Rosa's lips and a slight arching of her back that pressed her breast harder into his gently kneading hand.

"I want you. I want to fuck you so much," Vyn whispered directly into her ear. "You are safe with me, but I need to fuck you..."

The way Rosa writhed underneath him in her sleep--it was so tempting to just let himself go and ravish her as much and as hard as he can, to rail her so hard into the mattress like how she deserved to be fucked, but there was work to be done and his patient this time was his most cherished...

Biting his lip Vyn continued to gently tease her, his thumb and forefinger now gently rolling her nipple as he continued his kissing, relishing the feel of her tongue sliding against him, her body arching closer to his in an unconscious response to his touches.

"Nngh--Vyn..." Rosa finally moaned his name out loud.

Shit.

It may be an indication that she was starting to break through her REM. Vyn needed to work faster now, there was no time to linger and enjoy himself...

Vyn's hand slowly slid down from her breast, his cool fingertips running across the skin of her stomach, then her lower abdomen...and eventually reaching her completely drenched slit.

"You are doing good, Rosa," Vyn purred softly into her ear as his fingers slightly dipped in between her wet, throbbing flesh, lubricating his digits with her own slick. "Come. I will make you feel good."

Licking his lips Vyn started with tracing light circles around Rosa's clit. "Yess..." he whispered as he watched Rosa moan slightly louder, needier now, her hips moving and grinding against his hand. "Does it feel good, pet?" He let a soft laugh escape his lips. Rosa was putty in his hands and even in her sleep she was so pliant, so responsive, only for him...

Vyn's thumb kept on gently strumming her clit, as he let his index and forefingers slip inside her cunt. Her hot inner walls sucked in his fingers effortlessly, as if in hunger, or as if there was a void that so badly needed to be filled and it could be filled only by his fingers.

Or his cock.

But masturbation for now. Rosa would need to come with his fingers. He will indulge later when she starts to wake up. For now Vyn fucked her pussy with long, steady strokes--not too hard that it may accelerate her break to wakefulness--as he indulged in her moans, cries, her cunt grinding against his hand.

I wish I can see her dreams.

I wonder how I look like, how I am, in her dreams...

===

"Does it feel good, pet?" asks your savior as his fingers give you the relief you so waited for all your life. All your life--this is the release that you have been wishing for, the heaping of pleasure upon pleasure upon pleasure, each circle drawn by his fingertips around your clit brings such pleasure that builds and winds you up tighter and tighter...

Your hips buck against his hand, willing, pushing him to go faster--but you still cannot speak, and so you can only cry tears of frustration until Vyn finally slips two fingers inside you--manna from heaven, your brain sings--and you cry, this time of utter relief and you grind your hips closer to his hand, trying to bury his fingers deeper inside of you where they belong, yes, more, deeper, deeper, deeper...

Vyn of the moonlight hair and champagne gold eyes look upon you with that gentle cruelty on his face, thoroughly enjoying himself as he sees you rut yourself on his hand. "Hahaha, yes. Come for me. Moan for me," he whispers. "My little Rosa. I want you to come all over my hand."

Fingertip still drawing circles on your clit. Fingers fucking you, fingers slipping in and out with movements that could be an ancient code that sings of your love for him and his for you. Wet, slick noises at every movement of his fingers. In, out, in, out. Warmth is now starting to pool from your loins, the sweet coil of pleasure unravelling, unravelling and the cold ground on which he fucks you is now turning softer, warmer, yielding to your body--you are now lying on a bed--and you shout as you come violently, so strongly that everything turns white and--

===

"Nngh..." Rosa moaned, the movement of her hips against Vyn's hand going faster and stronger. "Ahhhh--!!" She came as she moaned, shouted into the solemn quiet of Vyn's bedroom. "Oh god, oh god," she cried as her hips never let up their movement as she rode her violent orgasm. "Oh god!"

Rosa finally woke up. "What...Vyn...?"

"Fuck," Vyn muttered, at this point too turned on now to hold himself back. "I am sorry, beloved," he whispered urgently as he parted her thighs, positioning himself to take her. "Gods. I need to fuck you now."

His impatient hands grabbed her by the thighs and pulled her closer to him, his hard cock glistening with pre-cum, twitching, as it made contact with her now dripping sex.

Licking his lips Vyn guided his tip to her entrance, and with a single motion plunged himself to the hilt.

"Hahaha, fuck," Vyn let out a groan, throwing his head back, finally awash with relief of being able to fuck her and chase his own pleasure. The thrusting of his hips have started and picked up both strength and speed; his queen-sized bed creaking with every thrust into her pussy; and he is rewarded with sweet, sweet moans from his Rosa begging him to fuck her more, fuck her harder, ravage her cunt more, yes, please...

"Vyn," Rosa now dug her fingers into the bedsheets. "Vyn!!" she cried out, having reached her second orgasm.

"Again, pet?" Vyn cried out in between thrusts. "I am about to--" he gritted his teeth, bracing himself for the inevitable, and the wave finally washed over him--the black of the room replaced with white as he climaxed inside her in violent bursts.

===

"Hello, Miss Rosa," Dr. Richter greeted his last patient for the day in his office. "Did the nightmare recur anytime after our...treatment?"

A few days have lapsed after she slept in Vyn's Victorian mansion. While Vyn offered to sleep together for a few more days, Rosa had declined, reasoning that both of them needed to attend to their own duties, and that she had faith that his chosen method of treatment would work.

Rosa seated herself in the patient's chair set in front of his executive desk. "Actually...no," she said.

Vyn planted his elbows on his desk, and placed his chin on steepled fingers. "I sense a 'but' there. Is anything amiss?"

A small smile played on his lips; a telltale glint of mirth illuminating his gold eyes.

"Nothing much," Rosa said after some thought. "I followed your recommendation that I ease up on my workload and to make sure I have at least one hour to spend on a hobby everyday."

She smiled, but the smile was a little bit taut. "I no longer have nightmares."

Vyn nodded. "I am glad. I was thinking that we may need to do the conventional method of imagery rehearsal therapy should it not work." He then tipped his head slightly to the side. "But...?"

Rosa took a deep breath as said, "I am getting distracted during the day," she bit her lip, keeping herself from grinning. "I can't help but. You know what I mean."

The psychiatrist chuckled. "You can put it into words, love. We do not record conversations unless with explicit consent from the patient. No need to hide behind euphemisms."

"Fine, since you so badly want to hear it, Vyn," Rosa said. "I can't help but think of how we fucked that night. Or," she exhaled. "How much I want to fuck you again."

A nigh-imperceptible movement of her thighs. Vyn took notice, despite her seated across his executive desk.

Wordlessly he got up and crossed the distance to his door, opened it to flip the outside signage to indicate Dr. Richter is OUT, then bolted the door closed.

"You want us to fuck again, you said?" Vyn said as he gave her such an inviting smile, licking his lips as he locked his predatory gaze with hers. "Then come. They have always said that the psychiatrist's chaise longue is an exceptional furniture for lovemaking..."

[losingitinjersey]

Remember how I made yet another decision about which stroller to get and decided to get two, a double-wide BOB for now and an in-line once we’re in Philadelphia next year?  Just kidding AGAIN!  Thanks to @runningfromthecuccos I was reminded that Phil & Ted’s makes an in-line jogging stroller - basically exactly what I’ve been looking for!  A double stroller with three wheels but with the footprint of a single stroller.  I spent about three hours online this weekend looking up every review and details about it and finally clicked purchase on their Sport double version (so please don’t tell me it sucks now).  Excited to have this decision finally over with and move forward with it! 

This morning, erp and I went to a 9 a.m. speech therapy appointment for her!  At her 18 month check-up the pediatrician recommended she get evaluated and so we did!  She’ll be 19 months tomorrow and has yet to definitively say anything other than “yeah!” :) While adorable, I’d love to hear “mama” or literally anything!

After being super shy at first, which seems to be erp’s go-to mode, she opened up and seemed to warm up really well to the evaluator.  She was babbling right along and playing with the toys and made a great impression!  All was hunky dory (other than my being super hot and sweating while in the room - thanks pregnancy) until erp pulled the bubbles out of her diaper bag and handed them to the evaluator.  She asked if she could lower her mask to blow on the wand, to which I said yeah sure no problem!  But then she informed me that she’s unvaccinated so I asked that she not.  Awkwardddddd.  She then, unprompted, told me three times during the appointment how grateful she was to my understanding of her personal decision.  Which, I get.  But also. YOU WORK WITH KIDS.  WHO CAN’T GET VACCINATED. WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM.  

They want us to start going weekly, which sounds annoying and expensive but gotta suck it up.  Erp’s worth it and we don’t want her falling too far behind.  While I liked the evaluator and how she interacted with erp, I am glad to hear that the therapist who will be working with her moving forward is someone else.  Hopefully a vaccinated someone else.  Kevin said that if it turns out she’s unvaccinated as well, we can ask to see if we can be paired with someone who is.  So weird that these are things to worry about.  

In other news, my 15 year old cat Saki has been spraying randomly throughout the house for the last two months.  We thought it was just in one spot upstairs but now it turns out it’s at least in two places.  He’s NEVER done this before.  Other than the spraying, he’s acting totally normal so I don’t think he’s sick, just acting out? His litterbox is always clean and he has access to food and water constantly.  I got that Feliway diffuser to try and help calm him down but it hasn’t seemed to make a difference.  The next step is to take him to the vet to see if anything else is going on, but when looking up appointments online the soonest availability is in two weeks.  Since I’m sure I’ll have a baby by then it doesn’t make sense to book it right now unless I do so for the end of next month.  Since he doesn’t seem to act like he’s feeling poorly I don’t feel the urgency around it other than mourning the destruction of these previously perfectly white carpets. 

[reflections-in-tea-cups]

Shadow

tw: pet death

We lost our beautiful, lively, shy, affectionate, panther of a house cat on Monday, March 25, 2019. While I hope the details of the past month fade from my memory, I know some of you are shocked at the news and want to know what happened. This story is still too painful to retell, so I’m putting it here.

It’s a long story with a tragic end. It’s not my best writing, but editing it further is beyond me right now. 

Shadow came into our lives on Feb. 13th, 2015. We went to the animal shelter to look at a dog – instead, we came home with an eight-year-old black cat. We thought he was a gentle old man, but as soon as he stepped out of the crate we realized they had sent us home with a panther. He was thirteen pounds of pure muscle, and the first thing he did was jump up six feet to hide on the top shelf of my closet.

Despite his size and athleticism, he was incredibly gentle and shy. He hid under the bed the first two weeks that he spent with us, only coming out after lots of cajoling. Even then, he’d often stop just at the edge of the bed so we could reach in and pet him. Once he was comfortable with us, he’d throw himself at our feet for pets and scritches, rolling around so we could get at his belly. He was always deferential to our resident female cat, despite having at least three pounds on her. He was playful and sweet, jumping up walls to catch at laser lights and crawling under the covers for morning snuggles. You always knew what his favorite toy was, as he’d leave it next to (or, more commonly, in) his food dish.

I’m not sure when he stopped eating. He still cried for food every morning and night, and he still went to the bowl and began lapping it up. We noticed that there was more wet food being left over, but that happens sometimes and it usually isn’t a problem – maybe one or both cats don’t care for that flavor of wet food, or maybe they got tired of it, or maybe they’re eating less because everyone is less active in winter. They always had access to dry food, so I didn’t worry.

I was shocked when I picked him up in late February and realized I could feel his bones. He was always a healthy, muscular cat – but suddenly he felt frail and old. Concerned, I made an vet appointment; the soonest available was two weeks away. Luck was on our side, and I got a call a few days later saying they could see us March 8th.

At the vet, we found our healthy-at-thirteen-pounds boy was now under ten. Blood work showed signs of pancreatitis, dehydration, and anemia. X-rays didn’t find anything surprising, just an empty stomach. He got anti-nausea meds, pain meds, and fluids. They sent us back home with some prescription food, instructions to monitor his food and water intake, and a blood recheck appointment set up for a week later.

His appetite increased for a few days. He still wasn’t eating enough to gain any weight, but any progress was hopeful. But by Wednesday (the 13th) he was back to barely eating anything and I called and got him an appointment for the next day. The 14th was terrifying – his weight had continued to drop, and as had his red blood cell count. They recommended hospitalization for IV fluids and medication, and to monitor his eating. I cried signing the papers to leave him there for the day.

When I went to pick him up that night, they said he hadn’t really improved and they recommended overnight hospitalization. Our vet isn’t a 24 hour clinic, so that involved transferring him to a local emergency vet. The ER vet reassured us that pancreatitis is often treated by a few days of pushing fluids, so we should remain hopeful. She also offered to do an ultrasound on his abdomen, to further look for anything else that could be causing his symptoms. No one really knew why he was so anemic, but maybe the ultra sound would see if/where he was bleeding internally.

After a sleepless night, the ER vet called to tell us Shadow had done well – they’d gotten him to eat a little, and the ultra sound hadn’t found anything too alarming or conclusive. The only thing they noted was an enlarged lymph node. We were told another day of hospitalization would be ideal, but we might be able to take him home that night. It was with a much lighter heart that we brought him back to our regular vet, giving them the overnight report and excited to get our healthy boy back soon.

However, our rollercoaster took a sudden dive. The vet reported that he hadn’t eaten and had only gotten more lethargic as the day progressed. The next diagnostic step they recommended was exploratory surgery, during which they would also insert a feeding tube so we could ensure he was getting the calories he needed. At this point, they were very worried he was about to enter liver failure from starvation.

We decided to go ahead with the surgery, which was scheduled for the next morning. We took him home that night for lots of cuddles – lapped up our affection all night. He was so happy to be back in his familiar environment, and our other cat also made it clear she was thrilled he was home.

Taking him to the vet the next morning was a tense affair. After finally being home, he wanted nothing to do with his cat carrier and let us know it. Three hours later I got a call from the vet – he’d done very well in surgery and was waking up comfortably! They had a new diagnosis based on the state of his liver and gall-bladder: feline triaditis. While they did take a couple biopsies, they were pretty confident we were on the right track. They said the prognosis was good but the at-home care would be intensive; not only were we responsible for his calorie intake through the feeding tube until he began to eat again, but there were also five medications that needed to be given once or twice a day. They still hadn’t found a source for the anemia, but hoped it would recoup with everything else.

We were thrilled to bring him home and dedicated to getting him back up to health. His food was specially prepared each day and given to him 4-5 times daily. He had to be quarantined from our other cat and dog for a while, so he was confined to the spare bedroom. Within three days, he was starting to eat on his own and was feisty enough to try and escape to the rest of the apartment whenever I opened the door. His stitches were healing well, and we got a onesie for him to wear instead of the hated cone (not that he liked it much better). The vet checked in that Monday, and was almost as excited as I was to hear how well he was doing. We started letting him explore the rest of the apartment with Leira and Kenai when we were home to monitor him, so he got more stimulation and got to hang out in all his favorite spots. Everything was looking up.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last. On Friday (the 22nd) I noticed that his eating was declining. We had just gotten him up to full calories through the feeding tube, so I figured it would take a while for his appetite to surpass what we were giving him. However, his appetite didn’t pick back up, and he began showing increased signs of nausea when I fed him. He also felt unusually warm. On Monday I called the vet, and left a message asking if this was normal recovery behavior. I spent the afternoon at home with him, waiting for the vet to call. They didn’t, so I called and asked again that evening – this time someone went back to talk to the vet in person. We were advised to take him to ER.

We went back to the ER where he had been hospitalized just ten days before. After a quick physical exam (where we saw he had lost even more weight, and he was feverish), they took him back for more bloodwork. He was extraordinarily anemic – his red blood cell count had decreased by half from its previous low levels. We could take him to a clinic that could do a blood transfusion – the nearest one was an hour away by car, and he’d have to stay there for at least 24 hours to make sure his body didn’t reject the blood. And since we didn’t know what was causing the anemia, it was likely the transfusion would only buy us a little time.

The next diagnostic step would be to test a sample of his bone marrow, a process that would involve putting him under anesthesia. There were three main suspects for his anemia at this point: a virus attacking his red blood cells and/or bone marrow, an autoimmune disorder (his body attacking his red blood cells), or cancer. We were advised that was a toss of the dice whether or not it was something treatable; even if it was, it would be extremely intensive and difficult for him.

We took some time to hold him close and think about our options. His options. For the last few weeks (and the last four years) we had discussed always trying to do what was best for him. And as he fell asleep in my arms, that most difficult choice became clear.

The vet told us we could take him home overnight if we wanted, but it we weren’t going to do a transfusion we should bring him back within 24 hours to put him to sleep. I didn’t want him to go through two more car rides (his most hated activity) and what would clearly be a painful and stressful night – we decided it would be best to let him go peacefully that night. He’d had a good day cuddling on the couch with me, Leira, and Kenai (one of the rare times I actually got a picture of him and the dog together). Luis and I held him for at least an hour, telling him we loved him and soaking in his sweetness.  Finally we knew we couldn’t delay any longer. Luis held me and I held Shadow as the vet administered the anesthesia, lulling him into sleep for the last time.

Shadow was so much more than we ever could have expected. I’ll never be able to describe him adequately, or what he meant to us. We will miss him forever, and cherish the time we did get to spend with him.

[isaidjensen]

I get real pissed every time someone asks me if I’ve started hrt yet. Like, people have been asking me that shit for 2+ years now and one of my friends especially just will not stop asking me that same question EVERY TIME HE SEES ME. Which like, we only see each other a few times a year, so I get it, but he doesn’t seem to understand just like not to ask me that, no matter how many times I tell him.

Like bro, I’ve technically been working towards that for about 10 years now. Cause like, I was 12 when I first realized I was trans and pushed those feelings WAAAAAY down for the next 4-5 years until I found out that there was a word for people like me and were actually other people with the same experiences as me.

Then there was the coming out at 18 and dealing with the parents and being stuck on their insurance and unable to afford my own (especially cause there was a 9 month period when I was 19 where I didn’t work cause of mental health issues). So like, I couldn’t afford to start hrt without their insurance, but if I were to go behind their back and use their insurance for it, they would’ve kicked me off their insurance and out of the house (or a lot worse).

And like, I was seeing a therapist for 3 months when I was 19 for anxiety and depression, along with trans stuff. And I started seeing her shortly before I got kicked out. So by the 3 month mark, I was no longer living with my parents so technically could start T, but not on their insurance. And she was willing to write me a letter of recommendation, but I told her that I couldn’t use my parents insurance for the tests and hormones and shit and like, I just couldn’t get that through her head.

To be fair, there were a lot of things I didn’t like about her, so I stopped seeing her, cause I just got a job and my days off didn’t match up with her schedule like at all. And I couldn’t afford to start hrt without using my parents insurance, and I had no reason to keep seeing her for any other reason cause she was just pretty shitty in general.

So like, then I worked a shitty minimum wage job for the next year and a half and dedicated my entire life to it for that time and fucked up my mental health for a while cause of it. And couldn’t afford my own insurance during that time.

So then I left that job and started working at my current job, which pays a lot more, and I knew that once I got hired in there, I could get on their insurance and would be getting enough of a pay increase to cover all the costs of that.

So then I finally changed my name legally, which prompted my parents to kick me off of their insurance and eventually led to the fight where I cut my family out of my life for good. So I was without insurance for like 2 1/2 months before I FINALLY got hired in after almost a year at my job. And literally as soon as I could sign up for insurance, I did. And as soon as I got my insurance card in the mail, I called a new therapist/councilor, and took literally the soonest available appointment (which I had to take PTO from work for). And I’m 11 days away from that appointment now.

So like, yeah, I just get really get pissed when people ask me if I’ve started hrt yet/why I didn’t start earlier. Cause like, I’ve been working towards this since I was 12. But every step of the way, I’ve had something out of my control stopping me from being able to start. I’ve fought tooth and nail to get to where I am now. And it’s just such a slap in the face when other people act impatient when I say I haven’t started yet. As if they’re the ones who’ve been at it for 10 years.

[szaspoonie]

Quack Doctor Warning

I went to the doctor today because I've had a lump in my throat for two weeks that is making it very hard to swallow. My family has a strong history of thyroid disorders. 75% of my extended family either has a disorder or has had their thyroids removed. This includes my mother who has both. So, being rightfully concerned, I went to the doctor. Not my GP, I went to the soonest doctor that was available which couldn't have been a bigger mistake. First he was almost a half an hour late AFTER I was in the exam room, then he allowed not one but TWO nurses to inturrupt us. The first was to say she was going home (yes really, this is at a hospital not a small office, this is not something that you should interrupt an exam for, in my opinion, especially because he was one of SEVERAL doctors working today). The second time was a nurse asking if another patient needed further tests than the ones he had already ordered. He then left the room to handle the second nurse's situation. THEN he spent twenty minutes reading my chart to me. Clicking around trying to find some obvious reason for the lump in my throat from my chart. He argued with me that it must be residual issues from an edoscopy that I had in May of 2017.... except I never had an endoscopy so even if it did take a year for this problem to present itself (unlikely) I didn't have the test in the first place. He wouldn't accept me saying the test didn't happen. My chart stated that one had been ORDERED, which was true, but it was never scheduled or done. During that twenty minutes he didn't look up at me once. He stared at the computer reading bits and pieces to me as if I don't know my own medical history. When he couldn't find any obvious reason for the lump in my throat from my chart he started finally asking me about my other symptoms. He started this by asking "Do you have any other symptoms of thyroid problems?" without actually listing any of the symptoms, to which I replied "I don't know" because... I'm not a fucking doctor and I don't know what symptoms matter. WebMD is not accurate enough for me to start listing problems, and in my experience doctors that think you've done research yourself take you even LESS seriuosly. He finally started listing symptoms and despite the fact that I have a LOT of symptoms that my thyroid is acting up AND the fact that I had told him MORE THAN ONCE during this appointment about my mom and my family, he decided my lump is allergies. He hadn't even done an exam - or even looked at me - but he was confident. His reasoning was that I had said that I OCCASIONALLY experience post nasal drip so what was likely happening was that I had a wad of snot lodged in my throat that was causing my problem. In his theory the fact that I've been able to swallow some solid food AND I threw up (a lot) yesterday because of food getting stuck don't matter. Snot is apparently rock solid and undissolvable in his reality. Then he did the exam. He listened to my heart and my lungs, placed his hand on my neck and then sat back down. He sent me home with a prescription for zyrtec. I did get him to order thyroid blood tests but I had to beg for it. He told me to wait a month on the zyrtec and THEN if I'm still having problems he will schedule imaging to see if I have a growth on my thyroid. I CANNOT SWALLOW but he wants me to wait a month. Long story short, if you live in the North Bay area of California, "Dr" Pocholo Selpides is an absolute quack who will not take your concerns seriously on any level. AVOID. I have a referral pending to see an endocrinologist because my GP took me seriously since he's my moms doctor too. But it's probably just snot.

[oprah-winefreak]

Creepy Doctor

Kind of a long post so I get it if you just scroll through but I just had this really annoying and creepy thing happen and I wanna vent about it. For context I’ve recently had some respiratory issues related to smoking so I’m trynna quit. A week or so ago I felt a really sharp pain in my side and was worried it was connected to my lungs (and my cousins lung collapsed a while back so now I get anxiety about that) so I scheduled an appointment with my doctor’s office. My regular doctor wasn’t available so they asked if I wanted to meet with the soonest available doctor and of course I agreed cuz again I was worried about my lung collapsing (not a rational fear I know but whatever in the moment it was scary). So because of COVID I wanted to do a video meeting and just describe my symptoms and see what they had to say rather than go in for an in person visit. The nurse tells me the doctor will be there in a moment and I’m waiting and finally this old white guy comes in. At this point my pain had pretty much gone away which made me feel better but I was still scared. Lol it’s been a minute so I can’t remember exactly how everything happened but it basically goes like this: I describe my symptoms and the doctor barely listens. I told him I’d been drinking the night before and wasn’t really paying attention to my smoking and now I’m feeling a sharp pain in my side and shortness of breath. He decides to ask if I drove home..... I said no of course not I’m not an idiot. He asks me how much I had to drink and I said 4 beers. He then asks me if I’m at my parents’ house???? I’m thinking how is that relevant and so I said “no I’m 21 and I live on my own” considering that maybe he was wondering if I was underage but he has my chart so he should know how old I am. He goes on to ask me if I have a job 😐. I said no I’m looking for one though and he laughed and said “well that’s good you need one if you want to pay rent” WTF?????? How is ANY OF THIS relevant to my lungs hurting?????!!!!!! I told him how sacred I was feeling too so idk why he wasn’t taking it seriously. He FINALLY sort of goes back on topic and says “have you tried taking the chantex yet? (Idk how to spell it, it’s a drug that helps you quit smoking though and a side effect is depression) and I said “no cuz I’m very prone to depression and don’t want to become suicidal again” to which he laughs AGAIN and says I shouldn’t worry about feeling “a bit down in the dumps” and that smoking’s bad so I need to stop. Now I know smoking isn’t good, it’s obviously causing me problems but in my head I’m thinking “well I’d rather die from respiratory issues than suicide cuz at least I’ll go out having fun and enjoying myself”. At this point this guy is pissing me off with his transmisogyny and I’m fucking done cuz he clearly doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Maybe he does but he isn’t applying his knowledge in this situation and is viewing it very generally. Idk I also just thought it was really weird that he was asking all those personal questions. Maybe I’m not doing a good job of getting across how weird it was but in the moment it was very strange and I’m really glad I didn’t meet him in person cuz he was giving off major molestation vibes and I feel like if we met in person he probably would’ve sexually harassed me or something it was very weird. Oh shit and I forgot to add this before but he also asked me where I live???? And I said “in my apartment........” idk maybe I’m over thinking things but if you made it this far let me know what you think. Predator or nah? Am I overreacting? Are these normal questions for a doctor to ask cuz I’ve never in my life had a doctor be this creepy........especially since I was meeting him for the first time. Just some of those questions were way too personal and not on topic at all in my opinion

[joceyavenue-blog]

New Post has been published on http://joceyavenue.com/feeling-lost-in-life/

Feeling Lost in Life

Feeling lost in life is scary, frustrating, anxious and even hopeless. It was just about three weeks I started this blog with the purpose to testify the great work of God in my life as a single Christian. I was just about getting through the after-storm recovery and ready to stand-up again. Boom! The company informed me that they will not renew my job contract! Seriously? I spent so much effort to process my work visa and you are telling me I’m fired before the immigration appointment date? Looking at the market opportunities at my age could be really really really tough in a foreign land. Other words, I’m going to be jobless without knowing how long before another job offer lands on my hand. 

You are kidding me!

God, please tell me what have I did wrong to deserve this? Again and again you brought storms through my life. I’m really tired and not wanting to have this anymore. All I asked is to have peaceful life that I longed to have. I’m tired of fighting against those tough situations always by myself. What I meant here is those fights I went through without having anybody could physically hands their helps when I need it. All I had were solely on God who can bring victories over it! When I cried my heart out loud, no one is physically available to lend me a shoulder. Never!

Don’t tell me what to do!

As a born Christian living in God of my whole life, my brain knows every words you are going to tell me. In this case, please don’t tell me what to do and what God is for me! It’s the words you and I believed but certainly not helping me in this situation but it sounds grating to me. Deep in my heart I knew exactly what to do.

Do not fear as God will never leave you! I’m shivering scared and wondering where my life should go! If God had brought me so far, is He taking back now? God loves you! I think He doesn’t love me anymore. How would a Father is able to let the beloved daughter suffered in life again and again? God has better plan not to harm you but to bless you! Of course I know this place isn’t good for me to stay longer, but why not show me the opened door first before I lost my job contract? You need to trust Me! Yes, I always trust You but it’s also true enough that I will still feel worry, anxious and fear. Just pray! Seriously, I don’t have the strength to say a word to God. Anything is just too heavy to lift for now.

Feeling lost in life with peace!

There are stages you need to go through before you are able to find the peace in this lost world. It is the on-going process while waiting for the opened door to show up. It is ok to feel lost sometimes. The one promise that I captured was God is working for us and we don’t even need to choose which door to open. We will not even have the chance to choose the wrong door.

Let me grief

What my closest friends told me was, if you need to grief on God, do it! If you want to cry, cry it out loud! If you want to scold or blame God, do it! And I did it all. I said to God that He don’t love me anymore. God is cruel to me! I begged You to stop these but You never listen to my prayer. (Thou deep in my heart I truly know God wants me to leave this place as it has no good for me.)

Get support 

This is especially important to have people who could really share the burden with you. I called my friends in Malaysia and cried out to them who they knew my personality quite well. I was avoiding to attend the local church for rest of mind because I refused to hear any bible quotes forcefully input in my mind. It is ok to let myself stay away the lovely crowds temporary before I can handle it again.

Pray for others

This doesn’t sound right at this moment but I did it. Few days after I received my news, another close colleague of mine facing similar fearful situation. I was praying for him that he will see an open door soonest too. Someone who has no strength and don’t know how to reach out to God is whom we shall pray for. As I prayed for him, peace slowly built in me.

Perspectives change and renew

Still I don’t know what is God’s plan in the future. The worst scenario is to pack my bags and go home. In the mean time, I’m opened for jobs globally instead of Portugal alone. What could go worst than that as long as I’m still alive. God planted wisdom in me knowing that it isn’t the end of the world. Our brain doesn’t think straight and easily filled with enemies lies at this point of time. If I don’t hold God’s word tight enough, the enemy lies can defeat me anytime. I’m close enough to get defeated.

Hear His voice once again

It was hard to pick up the bible and read His word when you feel hopeless. After the denial stage, I picked up the book my friend gave as birthday gift and read as my daily morning devotion. You wouldn’t believed, every book I bought or from a friend’s gift always speak to my situation. Every time! The only question is if I still trust in Him and willing to hear Him again.

Wait upon Him 

There is nothing I can do other than wait upon Him. Of course I need to do my part to continue send out the job applications. I don’t know where I would land in the future, the peace in me is getting more solid in this waiting time. This doesn’t mean I’m not worried or fear at all because I’m a human with weaknesses.

Feeling lost in life can be devastating to many of us but it will also rebuilt us when we have won the victory with Jesus Christ. Hopefully by the time of this scheduled post published, I would shout the joy of having job offered on my desk!