#In my defense he was completely dismissive of my symptoms and told me I should have been seen sooner if I wanted better care.

[verycluelesscreature]

Don’t you just love it when you’re incredibly uncomfortable, socially awkward, and anxious. So then your body is like “okay, I know how to fix this. Let’s cry right now!” Like crying during a conversation isn’t even more embarrassinggg, awkward, and uncomfortable!!?!

[marchtothefuckingsea]

Nerve Pains - Lucifer

My Masterlist.

Word count: 2.2k Warnings:  Fibromyalgia flare-up. Symptoms can vary from person to person, this was just a little comfort fic for myself since i’ve been feeling really shitty lately lol

Summary:  Reader suffers from a bad Fibromyalgia flare-up. Usually, Castiel is there to help relieve their pain, but this time there's only one other angel in the bunker.

I sat at the library table in the bunker, letting out a strained sigh while flexing my hands and straightening my back. It did little, if anything, to ease the constant pain I had. My back and shoulders ached horribly, no matter what I did or what I took. Especially on days when it decided to flare up.

I shifted in my seat as a particularly sharp pain ran into my shoulder, holding back a groan.

I hated being forced to stay back on hunts like this. Sam and Dean knew that, but they also knew me well enough by now that I wouldn't admit it. They could tell when I was experiencing a flare up, and they usually told me that they needed someone to do research and report back to them while they went on the scene. I knew they were just making excuses, but it made me feel a little less guilty about it and I appreciated them for it.

Oftentimes though, it was frustrating more than anything else. Especially simple cases like the salt and burn they were on right now. They didn't need someone to 'stay back and do research' on something as common as a ghost, and I just had to admit defeat. Even they couldn't come up with an excuse this time.

With Sam and Dean gone, and Chuck off doing only Chuck knows what, Lucifer was the only other one in the bunker, but he was off sulking in another part of the bunker. No one had heard from Cas for over a week now, so we figured he was wrapped up in something heaven related; which was unfortunate for me because he was usually around to help relieve the pain on especially bad days like this.

Nobody knew why, not even Cas, but my chronic pain was something he couldn't heal. He could relieve the pain almost completely for an hour, sometimes several if it wasn't really bad, but never get rid of it completely. It even seemed sometimes that it was working less and less every time.

Even with a literal angel helping me, it was still just something I had to deal with.

All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed under a heated blanket and not come out until it was all over. This was one of my worst flare ups in months. Since Sam and Dean had left a day ago, I had already tried praying to Castiel several times. I usually didn't want to bother him, but I was desperate.

I slumped over the table with my head on my tingling arms. My entire body tensed up as another pain ran through me. I eyed the bottle of painkillers next to the lamp, but I knew I had probably already taken way more than I should have. Instead, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing.

I managed to relax until I heard undisguised footsteps enter the library. I raised my head to glare at the archangel in the doorway. "What do you want?"

"Just passing through, no need to be so hostile." He made a face and held his hands up in defense. He beelined for a certain shelf, and so I allowed myself to let my guard down partially. I returned my eyes back to the pages of the book I was reading, but had a hard time focusing on anything other than the pain.

The thought of asking Lucifer to heal me flitted into my mind but I immediately dismissed it. Maybe he would or maybe he wouldn't, but my pride wouldn't allow me that, even on my worst day.

I glanced up at him when he sat across from me, arching a brow. "What?"

"What?" Lucifer responded defensively. He flipped the book open and crossed his legs. I pinched the bridge of my nose briefly before returning back to my book. My leg bounced to distract me from the numb yet burning sensation that intensified in my feet and calves. I had found that keeping my limbs moving helped either distract me from the pain, or maybe it kept the blood flowing through them. I didn't know.

I sighed after I finished a chapter, releasing some tension from my muscles I didn't even know I had. I flexed my hand again before turning the page, watching Lucifer do the same out of the corner of my eye. Glancing at him curiously, I wondered why he seemed to want to just be in the room with someone else. Usually, it was him that left whenever one of the Winchesters or Chuck came into the room. On the other hand, now that I thought about it, that never seemed to apply to me. But he had never actively seeked my presence before. I averted my gaze back to the book.

Now that I knew he wasn't here just to cause trouble, I finally let myself relax. Unclenching my jaw, I took a deep breath that turned into a hiss when a feeling akin to being stabbed burned through my arm. I jerked, instinctively pulling my arm to my chest and cradling it. I tried to focus on my breathing as the after effects still burned through my nerves.

"What's wrong?" Lucifer asked, looking up from his book. I had completely forgotten about the angel's presence.

"Nothing." I replied through gritted teeth. I let go of my arm and tried my best to shake it off, but my hand still gripped the edge of my sleeve so hard that I could feel my fingernails through the fabric.

He straightened up in his chair, suddenly not so interested in his book anymore; which I realized was written in Enochian. Where did he even find that?

"You've been clenching and unclenching your hands for the past half hour." He began to count on his fingers.

"Bouncing your legs, flinching randomly, now this." He swept his hand towards me, making me self-consciously loosen my grip on my sleeve. "I could sense your misery as soon as I entered the room."

"I'm sure you've noticed me doing that before." I shrugged it off but frowned. I felt exposed. I didn't like feeling like that ever, let alone to the devil.

"Not constantly." He argued. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing." I growled. "Why do you care so much anyway?"

"I don't. I'm just tired of this whole," He made a disgusted face. "Aura around you. It's a real downer, y'know?"

"Then leave." I muttered. He pursed his lips, staring at me silently before he picked his book back up. I let out a sigh of relief and reached for mine. I stopped dead in my tracks when another sharp pain was triggered by the movement, this one even worse than the last. I uttered a low groan, practically panting as it traveled all the way from my fingertips to my shoulder. Everything seemed to ramp it up a notch at that moment.

"Tell me what's wrong." Lucifer demanded.

"It's nothing you can fix." I grunted, beginning to squeeze and massage my forearm with my other hand. It only helped a little.

"Let me." He reached for my arm and before I could pull away, his cool hands began to massage my arm. Against my will, my whole body almost instantly relaxed. Cold usually made the pain worse, but I had a feeling he was using his grace as well. For the first time ever, my pain was entirely gone .

When he released my arm, I was greeted back with open arms by the deep ache in my back and shoulders, a migraine, and the painfully familiar tingling sensation in my limbs. My body immediately tensed up again. I saw something flicker across his face when I cringed.

"Just a taste of what I can do. Though…" He trailed off, frowning. "You're right. I can't heal it."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Cas already tried that."

"What is wrong with you?" His question wasn't meant to sound accusing; it was genuine.

"Fibromyalgia." I answered, massaging my own arm. He leaned across the table now, crossing his arms. He hummed in acknowledgement, looking down at the table and drumming his fingers.

His eyes darted back up to me when I unconsciously clenched my fist at another jab.

"May I?" He asked. I nodded wordlessly, holding my hand out to him. Instead, he stood from his chair and rounded the table to sit in a chair beside me. I unconsciously leaned away from him and his closeness. He placed his palm on my forehead and immediately the pain lessened.

"Thank you."

He hummed before asking, "How long does this usually last?"

I frowned and looked away. "A while." I didn't want to tell him that it only lasted a few hours at most, and that was on much better days. On days as painful as today it might last a couple of hours, if I was lucky.

"You've got to tell me so I know how long before we have to do this again."

"Don't worry about it." I mumbled. "The pills will kick in by the time this wears off."

He snatched the bottle before I could get to it. "I think you've had enough of those."

"Give it back."

"They're obviously not working. You're going to overdose."

"What do you care?"

"I helped you, didn't I?"

"So?"

"So? I care ." He pursed his lips after that, crossing his arms in front of his chest defensively and looking away.

"...A couple hours." I said in defeat. He glanced back at me. "On a good day it would probably last four, maybe five. On a bad day it would last a couple, if I'm lucky."

"And today's a bad day." It wasn't a question.

I shook my head. "Yes- No..I don't know. It's the worst I've had in a long time, if ever." I admitted.

"You're still bouncing your leg." He pointed out.

"It still kind of hurts."

Before I could react, he pressed his palm to my forehead again. This time, he kept it there until I began to pull away in confusion. "Wait."

Suddenly, the pain was completely gone again. When he pulled his hand away after several moments, his piercing eyes studied my face. I immediately felt it return, but it wasn't nearly as bad as before he had helped at all.

"As long as I'm touching you…" He muttered.

"Yeah, it was gone completely." I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding in. "I think I'm going to try and get some sleep before this wears off."

Lucifer nodded, standing up and mirroring my actions. I stumbled a little bit, the room spinning. Probably from all the painkillers I had taken. "I'll check back in a couple hours."

"I'll come find you if I need to."

He frowned. "I promise?" I offered.

"Don't wait too long." He turned away. He sat back at the table in the same position as before, with his legs crossed and his thumb and index finger holding the book open. I gave him a final glance before I left the room and ventured down the hallway to my bedroom.

I was lucky I had another bottle of painkillers in my bedside drawer, and I downed a couple of them before collapsing onto the bed. I didn't plan on asking him for help again, no matter how bad it got. I had toughed it out before, and I could do it again.

Curling up under my heated blanket, I let out a small sigh of relief. What little bit of discomfort that remained was just about bearable.

-

I was woken up by a sharp pain between my shoulder blades and the middle of my back. I curled up on my side with a low whine. Even the light pressure of my sheets began to feel painful against my skin, and I started to kick them off. Every nerve ending in my body was nearly on fire.

"Lucifer." I groaned in a daze. I hoped it resembled a prayer enough for him to hear. My breath hitched in my throat at another agonizing jab. "Luci-"

I felt a cool hand on my forehead and the pain immediately stopped. I forced my eyes open and the archangel was sitting on the edge of my bed with unmasked concern on his face. "It hasn't even been two hours."

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"That's not what I meant." He said. "You shouldn't be alone."

"'m fine." Lucifer pulled his hand away. Even though he had used his grace to relieve my pain, without his constant touch it immediately came back, though it wasn't nearly as bad. He quickly made contact again, this time holding my hand gently in both of his, as if I would break.

"I think this is the worst it's ever been."

I felt the bed dip next to me, and then I felt him up against my side. I opened my eyes. "What are you-"

"You know what happens if I let go." He muttered. I did.

I leaned against him with a sigh. When I began to drift off, I felt Lucifer drape his arm across my middle.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to." I told him tiredly.

"I want to."

[justatiredghost]

The Cost Ch4

Based on this idea by @serikyl, in which Klaus is able to bring Dave back to life, but there’s a cost; he also gains the ability to see the dead.

Just getting dressed in the clothes Klaus had found him felt like a huge undertaking to Dave’s tired muscles. By the time he was done, his arms were shaking from the exertion and he collapsed back onto the bed to rest a moment. He felt suddenly nauseous, itchy all over, and his entire body felt sore and drained completely. And the horrible ache in his chest was back, like he’d been punched in the sternum. Or hit by a cannonball.

It seemed like Klaus was feeling some of the same things, because when he glanced over, he saw him scratching his back and arms and everything else as he pulled on his own clean clothes. Or, at least, cleaner. He’d just grabbed some from off the floor, doing a quick smell check before shrugging and pulling them on.

Dave couldn’t help but smile as he watched him, loving any time he got to be so himself, in all his messiness and chaos and joy. Their hire-ups tried to stifle any personality out of all of them, but they never could get to Klaus. And getting this look into his childhood, his room? He felt so lucky to be able to get this peek into his life.

He wanted to look around more, maybe examine the writing and doodles on the walls, but his head was getting so heavy and fuzzy, and he was having trouble focusing enough to even make out the words, so he let his head fall back onto the bed and closed his eyes. He was just so tired.

“Dave? Dave, can you hear me?”

Klaus’ voice broke through, bringing him back to the present, and made him realize just how close to falling asleep he’d been. But there was a fear and urgency in Klaus’ voice that he had rarely heard, and somehow that hurt more than any physical ache.

“Yeah, yeah, all good here,” he said quickly, trying to sit up a little, reaching out to blindly pat Klaus’ arm. A habit they’d picked up, a way they could show some physical comfort and reassurance even when surrounded by fellow soldiers.

“Sorry, you were just so still,” Klaus began with a shaky sigh before he seemed to pull himself back together, voice taking on a teasing tone. “I probably should have let you sleep. You look like shit.”

“Ouch,” Dave chuckled. “Hit a guy while he’s down, why don’t you.”

“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be as good as new once you get 30 or so hours of sleep,” Klaus said with a grin.

Klaus had left the door to the bedroom open. It was a habit of his, not wanting to feel trapped, which Dave could understand. Still, if he’d been paying more attention, he might have at least asked to close it while they dressed. But then, they hadn’t seen anyone since they arrived and he was beginning to wonder if the place was completely abandoned despite how many siblings Klaus was supposed to have. He was wrong, though, and the sound of someone pointedly clearing their throat caused them to flinch apart.

“You good?” a boy, probably in his early teens, asked, one eyebrow raised as he glanced between the two of them and the bloody pile of clothes they’d left on the floor. He studied Dave with an intensity that made him feel like he was looking right through him, like there was nothing he could hope to hide from him.

“Five, hey,” Klaus exclaimed, and at least he didn’t sound upset to see him. He shrugged casually like this was all completely normal. “Yeah, fine.”

Klaus had, of course, told Dave a bit about his siblings, and Dave frantically tried to get his foggy brain to recall anything he could about this brother.

“Where do you want to begin?” Five asked, turning his full attention to Klaus, like Dave held no more interest to him.

“What do you mean?” Klaus asked innocently.

“Well, there’s the blood, the new tattoos, the man in your bed--”

Horrified, Dave shot up and scrambled off the bed to his feet. He could feel his face burning. Maybe he was overreacting, Klaus had mentioned his family didn’t caring that he was pansexual, but he didn’t exactly want to test that. Especially when the consequences of discovery not too long ago would have been severe, if not fatal. That initial fear response wasn’t something he was going to be able to overcome easily.

“Oh, no, it’s not—” Dave began, stumbling over his words and with no real idea what he was going to say, just that he needed to give Klaus some sort of out if he wanted it. Thankfully, he was interrupted.

“It’s fine, sit down,” Klaus said, waving a hand dismissively at him, like this wasn’t anything to worry about. To an amused Five, he continued, “It was just a crazy night, don’t worry about it.”

“More than one, by the looks of it,” Five said knowingly. He gestured towards Dave. “What about him?”

“I’m Dave, nice to meet you,” Dave said quickly.

“He’s with me,” Klaus said defensively. He dropped down into a chair, rubbing at his temple like his headache was getting worse. Dave let himself slump back down onto the bed, itching absently at his arm.

“Fair enough.” Five said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he studied the two of them. “You know, I can recognize the symptoms. And you’re both having them”

“What?” Klaus asked, sitting up to look at him, clearly ready for an argument.

“Jetlag, full body itch, the headache that feels like someone shoved a box of cotton up into your nose and through your brain,” Five explained, voice surprisingly sympathetic. “You gonna tell me about it?”

Klaus sighed and leaned back in his chair, glancing at Dave briefly before giving in. “Your pals, when they broke into the house and couldn't find you? They took me hostage instead.”

“And in return you stole their briefcase,” Five guessed, a slight grin tugging at his lips like he was impressed or proud.

Dave had heard some of the story and was worried Five was focusing on the wrong part. Yes, he was glad Klaus had managed to get the briefcase and escape, but if Five really did know these people that had been after him, he should know what they were capable of. What they might have put Klaus through.

“Yeah, I thought there was money in it, or I could pawn it, whatever.”

“And then, next thing you knew you were-- where? Or when?” Five asked excitedly.

“Why do you care?” Klaus said, standing up and turning away, suddenly defensive, and Dave knew he wasn’t going to tell him what else he’d been through.

“1968,” Dave filled in quickly when he saw the annoyance flash across Five’s face. He earned a glare from Klaus, and maybe he was overstepping, but he could tell when Klaus was ready to start an argument just to end a conversation. It was what he did when he felt too vulnerable, and maybe this way he could at least get the attention off of him. And, perhaps, avoid a fight between the two brothers.

“Thank you,” Five said pointedly to him. “Now, please tell me you’re from this time and just happened to accidentally get caught up in all this.”

“Um,” Dave said, glancing between the two, not sure what to say. Klaus shrugged unhelpfully.

“Klaus, you didn’t,” Five groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You can’t just— pull people out of their timelines like they’re souvenirs! Do you have any idea what his absence could do?”

“Don’t worry, he was already dead at the time,” Klaus said much too casually.

“Oh, great, you faked his death too?” Five said, exasperated.

“Didn’t need to,” Klaus said simply.

“I guess that means I was already absent from my timeline if you think about it,” Dave chimed in, earning a glare from Five. It was surreal to be talking about his own death like this, but he did his best not to think too much about it. Whatever drugs he’d taken earlier were helping with that at least.

“I— don’t have time to unpack what that’s supposed to mean,” Five said absently, beginning to pace. “Just tell me what you did with the briefcase. One disaster at a time.”

“I don’t know, I threw it in a dumpster,” Klaus shrugged.

“Where, Klaus?” Five snapped, spinning to face him, clearly running out of patience.

“In the alley behind the bus stop on 6th,” Klaus said, hands raised defensively.

“Fine. Don’t go anywhere,” Five snapped. “Just tell the others to stay put too.”

“Yeah, like they'll listen to me.”

“We’re not done talking about this,” Five spared a pointed glare in Dave’s direction before disappearing in a blue flash.

Dave just stared at the place he had been for a long moment, trying to figure out if he’d really just seen that. Sure, Klaus has talked about his family of superheroes, but it was still jarring to see someone literally vanish in front of him.

“Well, I think that went quite well,” Klaus sighed, dropping onto the bed beside him, sprawling out.

“Yeah?” Dave asked doubtfully, gingerly laying down beside him. “If that’s going well, I’m worried what going poorly will look like.”

“Blood, violence, for sure knives, there’s no getting around that one,” Klaus said cheerfully.

“You’re not helping,” Dave couldn’t help but laugh, gently shoving Klaus’ arm. But then he took his hand and squeezed it. Whatever weirdness he was going to go through, at least he could go through it with Klaus. “Are you doing okay?”

“What? Yeah, sure,” Klaus said. His voice was casual, like the answer was obvious, but there was no missing the way his eyes slid to the side, avoiding eye contact.

“Should we have told him about the whole coming back to life thing? If he knows about the briefcase, maybe he knows what happened.”

“Maybe later,” Klaus said. “He has to go save the world first.”

“Oh.”

“Come on,” Klaus jumped to his feet and hauled Dave up with him. “Let’s go raid the fridge and get some real food while we still can.”

[fizzyxcustard]

Fear and Loathing (2)

Chapter 1

Masterlist

Fandom: seaQuest 2032

Summary: (Part 2 of The Right Thing - this will be a chaptered fic) Captain Hudson knows that you and Lucas are more than just friends, and after changing your shift rotations to make sure you’re not on duty together, you take things into your own hands and request a transfer from seaQuest. Before your transfer can be processed, officers and crew begin showing signs of extreme anxiety, anger and paranoia. Some are worse affected than others, you being one of them. Can you fight for not only your relationship with Lucas but your state of mind?

Pairings: Ensign Lucas Wolenczak x FemLieutenant!Reader, Commander Jonathan Ford x Lieutenant Lonnie Henderson (only slight)

Warnings: Language, violence, insecurity, angst, paranoia, anxiety, mental instability, very mild sexual references, age difference/gap.

Comments: If you wish to be added to my seaQuest tag list, which will be separate from all my other tags, let me know, and I will only tag you in these if you specifically request to be tagged. This is practically a dead fandom now, but I would still like to share my writings with you. If you would like to ask any questions, then by all means just ask!

Captain Hudson ushered you into his quarters, and Lucas automatically followed on behind without any prompt. Lucas’ heart was racing frantically. He was losing you. And how could he stop it?

With a loud sigh, Hudson sat behind his desk. “I hope to get back to running this vessel sometime today,” he said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry, Sir,” you apologised. “I’m aware of problems that have occurred due to my personal conduct with Ensign Wolenczak, and that is why I wish to request a transfer.” You stood upright, your hands behind your back, much in contrast to Lucas’ defensive posture of his crossed arms.

Lucas was aghast at you. “You can’t!”

You placed your official request of transfer down on Hudson’s desk. “Thank you, Lieutenant,” Hudson said.

“You can’t actually accept this!” Lucas shouted, glaring at the Captain and pointing at the white envelope for emphasis.

Hudson’s jaw clenched in frustration and his eyes darkened. “You will control yourself, Ensign, or it will be you I transfer. She has every right to request transfer, and I thank you for your professionalism, Lieutenant.”

“Thank you, Sir,” you replied, still remaining composed.

“Ensign, please return to your station. Lieutenant, I’d like a word.”

Lucas looked at you sadly, a stray tear falling down his cheek. Then he left the room, his shoulders hunched, the weight of the world resting upon them.

You continued to be composed, despite your heart shattering. By giving in to your feelings and instincts, you were now jeopardising your career.

“Take a seat,” Hudson instructed. It was quite plain for him to see the pain in your eyes that you were trying so hard to conceal. Hudson’s face softened and he sighed. “I was his age once, believe it or not, and he still has a lot of growing up to do in order to fill that uniform. Losing either of you is the last thing that I want to see happen, but may I give you a piece of advice?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t keep letting him push you to take full responsibility for this. Be accountable for your actions, and yours alone. Maybe the shift rotation change was a little harsh. Whilst I consider your transfer request, you’ll go back to your original shift pattern as of now. However, outside of duty and meal times, you and Mr. Wolenczak are under strict orders to remain separated. If I find that either of you have broken this order, you’ll both be dismissed from duty immediately.”

“Thank you for understanding, Sir,” you said, saluted, and left.

You returned to the bridge and sat beside Lucas in your usual spot. “Keep quiet, and that’s an order, Ensign,” you instructed, never looking at him. However, you could imagine his expression, but couldn’t bring yourself to look.

“Is everything alright, Lieutenant?” Commander Ford asked, approaching your station.

“Yes, Commander. Captain Hudson has changed my shift rotation back to its original pattern while my request for transfer is considered.” You knew that the others on the bridge were having their ears filled with your personal business, but you resigned yourself to the fact that they would all eventually find out what was happening.

For the rest of the day you and Lucas remained quiet, barely speaking but a handful of words to each other, which were always in connection with duty. Each time Hudson gave an order, you could see Lucas’ jaw clench tight and sheer loathing flash in his eyes. Hudson had understood you far more than you ever thought he would, and considering his authority, he hadn’t brought punishment down upon you that was as firm as other captains. The very first captain of seaQuest, Marilyn Stark, who perished after going rogue in her extreme ideas, would have probably recommended complete stripping of your rank and Lucas’, calling for your dismissal from the Navy and UEO. No way would you have been employed for either again, not even for a desk job in headquarters. There were certainly harsher captains to serve under.

At dinner, Lucas came behind you, holding an empty food tray. “What are you doing?” he growled in your ear.

“I’m doing what needs to be done, Lucas,” you hissed back in response. You never turned to see his face, but you could imagine his infamous sulking pout. The food you had put on your tray didn’t seem all that appealing, and as you gazed over it, your stomach began to lurch, and you could feel the all too familiar palpitations in your chest. It all seemed stronger than usual, until you lost your grip on the tray and it fell to the floor. All of a sudden you found yourself on the floor next to your tray. Lucas’ voice broke through the cloud of grogginess and dizziness that was surrounding you. Every breath you took and it felt like splintered glass in your chest.

“I’ll take her to Med Bay,” Lucas told the small gathering around you. Eyes were looking down on you and voices were loud, chattering at you and through you. The faces looked as though they were dissolving; you blinked hard, causing flashes of light to break through the darkness beneath your eyelids. Lucas tried to help you up, but you toppled to the side, nearly taking him down to the floor with you.

There was a small commotion around you as officers flitted in and out, and Lonnie finally returned with a wheelchair.

Lucas wheeled you out, and still your vision remained blurred. It was like a sheet of blue and silver before your eyes with flashes of beige and other colours, moving this way and that. Breath was passing through you a little easier now and the chest pain was subsiding.

In the Med Bay and the doctor, a middle-aged Irish fellow with glasses, began to inspect you, asking about your symptoms. By now and you felt jittery, as if your muscles were contracting more than they should have been. A fluttering was still present in your gut and chest.

“It sounds like a panic attack to me,” the doctor mused. “But the fact you fainted and have blurred vision is what is concerning me. Maybe a sudden change in blood pressure? I’d like to take blood samples and keep you in overnight.”

“Do you think it’s serious?” Lucas asked in concern.

You sat on the edge of the bed, your fingers gripping the sheets. Lucas and the doctor’s voices seemed to drift away as you felt the hair on your neck stand to attention, and subconsciously your teeth ground against one another.

Captain Hudson appeared at your bedside after he’d heard of what had happened. “Lieutenant,” he began. Then his suspicious gaze shot to Lucas, who was stood the other side of your bed. “Ensign, the doctor can do his job from here.”

“Yes, Sir,” Lucas replied, venom dripping from his tone. He shot one last concerned and sad glance at you before disappearing.

“I want to keep her overnight for observation, Captain,” the doctor began. “The passing out and blurred vision is what’s concerning me.”

“Do what you need to, Doctor. I just want my Lieutenant back in one piece,” Hudson said.

You couldn’t help but smile, feeling a spot of admiration for your captain. He may have been stern and abrupt, but he cared for his crew and looked after them well.

“I admired your actions today. It’s your integrity that I greatly appreciate. Get some rest,” Hudson said, shooting you a faint smile before walking out of the room.

The next half an hour was the doctor examining you. Eye test, hearing test, blood pressure, blood test and urine sample. Naturally your blood pressure was a little elevated due to the stressors on your body. The blood test would be ready the following morning; every aspect of your body’s function would be tested.

Lonnie came to visit shortly before the doctor was due to finish. “Do you want me to bring you anything?” she asked kindly. You asked for your journal and current novel you were reading.

By the time that it was half ten, you could feel fatigue setting in. Calm had come over you again, and you lay down, closing your eyes. Waves and the moon. Black sky and sparkling stars. Lucas holding you. They way it should have been. And as you drifted away into sleep, you never noticed one tear fall down your cheek.

As you ate breakfast the next morning in the Med Bay, the doctor began reading through your test results. He furrowed his eyebrows; the blood test showed normal activity for your immune system, sugar and lipids, but your hormone levels showed a significant drop in serotonin and high adrenaline levels. An unknown viral strain was present but its DNA did not match anything in the medical database.

“Good morning, Lieutenant,” he said. He pulled up a chair next to your bed.

“Morning, Doctor,” you replied, swallowing a mouthful of toast.

“I’ve looked over your blood test results this morning, and whilst most of it is normal, your blood is showing a dip in serotonin levels and an unknown viral toxin.”

“Virus?” you asked, shocked. You had been under the impression that all this was was a panic attack induced by stress.

“A panic attack makes sense with the lowered levels of serotonin and elevated adrenaline. But this virus concerns me as I’m not sure if it was responsible for the symptoms in the first place.”

“I’ve suffered with anxiety for some years, Doctor. And I stopped taking medication for it when I enlisted at twenty-two.”

“I’d like to keep you here for another few hours and take regular blood samples. I intend to send them to the main lab at the UEO headquarters and see what their thoughts are. Maybe we can look at online counselling to help with the anxiety.”

Lucas visited you that morning before his shift. He stood at your bedside and smiled sadly. “How are you feeling?”

“A lot calmer but tired. The doctor says I have a virus which isn’t identified, and isn’t sure if it’s linked to my panic attack and passing out last night.”

“If you need anything at all, I’m here. Just ask.” He reached out and touched your hand, but you flinched and pulled away.

“Don’t!” you said sternly.

“You’re letting Captain Hudson dictate our lives!” Lucas hissed.

Your heart began to pound again and the sharp pains built, radiating through your chest like forks of electricity. You gasped, trying desperately to get your breath. “Get….out….” you were able to say.

“Ensign, please leave,” the doctor ordered.

Later that morning and Lucas was pulled into Captain Hudson’s quarters. Lucas, as usual, stood with his jaw clenched and his eyes glaring in anger at the captain.

“You are not to visit her again, Ensign! Do I make myself clear?” Hudson boomed. “It’s funny how both attacks she’s suffered have been when in your company. Not only does she have more moral integrity than you and professionalism by requesting a transfer, but she’s fighting an unknown virus. I will not have you put more on her shoulders.”

“I’ve put nothing…”

“Enough!” Hudson shouted. “I’m thisclose,” he began, holding his forefinger and thumb close together for emphasis, “to shredding her transfer request and putting you aboard another vessel instead. Captain Bridger allowed you far too much freedom on this boat. You’ll learn to keep your mouth shut, follow orders and not back answer me. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Sir,” Lucas growled.

“Good. Get out of my sight,” Hudson shot back.

You remained in the Med Bay for the rest of the day. Lonnie came to visit and brought you fresh underwear and toiletries to wash with. She stayed for a little while, comfortable in your bedside chair, talking about what had happened on the bridge that day. “Be glad that you can have a break,” she giggled. “It’s not right without you though.”

“I’m hoping to be back in a couple of days. The doctor wants me to rest and de-stress, which is easier said than done in this place, especially with Lucas’ constant sulking.” You sighed.

“Hey, I know you think the world of him, but you can’t let him keep putting on to you. He’s stressing you to the point of making you sick. I know you requested a transfer and it’s because of him. He still has a lot of growing up to do.”

“You’re right. He does.”

[squidbatts]

your funny mouth to the clouds

Or: Fabian stresses, confesses, and gets some kisses in

((The last couple of Fantasy High episodes have been Buckwild but IN THIS HOUSE we ignore current canon happenings to write about fabian wanting to kiss ragh and then getting to kiss ragh!!! because i crave ragh/fabian content even if i have to Do Everything Myself))

{ao3}

Fabian Aramais Seacaster, son of Bill Seacaster, knows he’s hot; it’s kind of his whole thing, being a charming, roguish pirate, as dangerous as he is dashing. So, obviously, it makes complete sense that he and Gorgug would be Ragh’s dream makeout partners. They’re all hot athletes and they spend a decent amount of time together, he gets it.

It shouldn’t even be a thing.

Except that Fabian can’t stop thinking about it. When Ragh lances a demon through the eye and then turns to grin at Fabian, manic, muscles straining his letterman jacket, he thinks about it; when Fabian’s trying to teach the party literally anything about the sea and Ragh slides in right next to him, body a point of warmth on Fabian’s left side as he points at completely the wrong part of the map, he thinks about it; when Ragh tears off his shirt and leaps into the water with Fabian, throws a glistening and sea-wet arm over Fabian’s bare shoulders, tugs Fabian into his sculpted chest as he laughs-

The point is, Fabian keeps thinking about it.

Which is why he thinks he should be excused for asking Kristen for advice; she is, after all, their “token gay friend"; the rest of his close friends are straight, so she’s really the only one he can ask.

“Kristen,“ Fabian starts one afternoon when it’s just the two of them on the roof, “You know about gay stuff, right?“

Kristen lights up. “I don’t know if you know this-“

“I do, you say it all the time-“

“-but I’m gay!“ Kristen finishes like she doesn’t come out over breakfast every morning. “So yeah, I do.“

“Awesome, great, listen, I have a question. Have you ever- hm.“ Fabian cuts himself off with a hum as he attempts to word it correctly. He decides to try another route. “Do you think Ragh is attracted to me?“

“Oh, for sure,“ Kristen says and, even though he already knew that, Fabian chokes on air in surprise at her surety. “He’s really into the whole ’straight boy jock’ thing and, I’m a lesbian, but even I know that you’re objectively the hottest person in our party. You and Fig are the hot ones.“

“Obviously,“ Fabian replies, kneejerk.

“Yeah, so, duh. Why do you ask?“ Kristen asks, and Fabian-

Fabian falters because, obviously, he wants to get to the bottom of why he can’t just forget about Ragh’s proposition like Gorgug has, but the idea of talking about it, of telling Kristen makes his stomach twist. Something about it makes him feel weird, the same way he feels weird whenever he thinks about Ragh wanting to kiss him.

“He just said something and I-“ Fabian waves a hand dismissively. “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter.“

Kristen’s eyebrows furrow and she places a hand on Fabian’s arm, firm but still kind. “If you’re uncomfortable with a gay man simply being attracted to you, you’re the asshole here. But listen, Jawbone has some pamphlets about it and we can totally work this out-“

“I’m not uncomfortable, I just wanted to know if he had said anything to you,“ Fabian says, the words quick and awkward in his mouth. Maybe I am uncomfortable, He considers. Maybe the twisting how of his gut and the heating of his face are merely symptoms of his discomfort. He’s always been fine with Kristen and Tracker, he was fine with Ragh when he told them about Dane, but maybe he just thought he wasn’t homophobic until it directly affected him.

Kristen stares at him silently for a second, tilting her head as her eyebrows raise. “Huh. Never would’ve guessed that.“ She says, then, “Well, actually, I maybe would’ve because you’re like, supernaturally obsessed with your appearance, but stereotyping is bad and all that.“

“What are you talking about?“ Fabian snaps, irritated with her vagueness. He realizes that he should’ve just gone to Adaine for help, she reads books and knows about a great many things, not to mention that it certainly would’ve been less of a tax on his patience than dealing with Kristen at her… Kristen-est.

“I think… I think you should talk to Ragh,“ Kristen says, and then continues on quickly before Fabian can get the horrified Absolutely not out of his mouth. “No, listen, this is really something that would go best if you just, like, talked to Ragh about it, I think. And like, I rolled a seventeen on persuasion, so you kind of have to.”

Fabian, not blessed in wisdom, fails his saving throw and has to admit that Kristen’s point is pretty compelling. Still, “I don’t even know where Ragh is right now.”

Kristen gives him a look that clearly says We all live in the same vanboat, you have to know that he’s less than three minutes away. She leans away from Fabian and, still holding eye contact, yells into the van, "Hey, Ragh, Fabian wants to talk to you!"

"Kristen, no," Fabian hisses. Kristen just grins back at him.

"Kristen, yes!" She says, "You will so thank me for this."

Fabian is still cursing Kristen's name when Ragh climbs up to join them on the roof. He's wearing his normal jeans but has elected to leave his letterman jacket in the van. Probably a good idea, Fabian thinks, eyes involuntarily drawn to the sheen of sweat over Ragh's biceps as Ragh stretches before he sits. It's been hot all day, but Fabian would bet gold that it's gotten hotter in the past five minutes. He certainly feels rather feverish, suddenly.

"What's the problem, bro?" Ragh asks when he settles down. Kristen makes a face at him from behind Ragh's back and mouths Take my advice!!!! When he pretends not to notice and instead stares pointedly at the sea, she huffs loudly.

"Well, I'm going to go back into the van, I'm real tired," She says, obnoxiously obvious. Fabian makes a face back at her when Ragh turns towards her. "I'll, uh,see you guys later. Don't even worry about everyone else, I'll keep 'em down there."

Fabian tries to infuse enough That is absolutely not what I want! and Don't leave us alone! into a single glare to make her stay, but she just winks at him, like she's a bard or something, which of course makes Ragh turns back to Fabian, puzzled.

"What was all that about?"

"It's nothing, really," Fabian says, forcing lightness into his voice as he waves a hand, as though all this awkwardness could be as easily dispelled as Fig's cigarette smoke. "Kristen is just being dramatic."

Ragh frowns, his dark eyes are stormily serious. Fabian's heart skips a beat. "We're bros. And bros don't have to lie about their feelings, right?"

"... Right."

"Dude." Ragh says as he punches Fabian's arm, clearly about to get started on the Jawbone taught me emotional vulnerability and now I think everyone should do it spiel. Fabian's already heard it at least one time apiece from Kristen and Adaine, and he still thinks he's good on the emotions front, thank you very much. Still, his stomach flips even now with nerves, and he thinks of how Kristen thought that talking with Ragh would sort him out. As truly awful as he imagines it will be, he wonders if Kristen has a point, just this once.

"Alright, alright!" He concedes, "I suppose we can talk about my feelings."

"Awesome!" Ragh grins lopsidedly, shifting to sit lotus style, his full attention on Fabian. "Now, what's up?"

A feeling rises in Fabian's chest, like his ribcage is stuck in a vice, and he feels nearly sick with guilt. Here Ragh is, so kindly and sincerely devoting his attention to Fabian, and Fabian's body can't even relax enough to appreciate it.

"I think I owe you an apology," Fabian says, and before Ragh can respond, he rushes on with, "I think I might be homophobic, but I'm going to work on it and be a better friend for you and Kristen, and I'm very sorry."

Ragh's opens and closes his mouth wordlessly a few times, tusks catching on his upper lip. "I- what?"

Fabian sighs huffily and explains, how he's felt weird and off-kilter since Ragh's proposition and Kristen's offered explanation. Ragh listens thoughtfully, brow furrowed and a hand on his chin. He's still frowning as Fabian finishes his tale and Fabian fights the urge to fidget under the scrutiny.

"I don't think you're homophobic, dude," Ragh says, eventually. He sounds like he's choosing his words carefully, like he's walking on eggshells, and Fabian aches to think that he's made Ragh think that he has to do that.

"Of course I am, what else could it be?" Fabian asks, and Ragh screws up half of his face. "See! I made you uncomfortable with my- weirdness. I'm sorry."

"No, no, I'm not uncomfortable, I'm just trying to… Reconcile some things. Sort stuff out in the old noggin." Fabian tries not to look too doubtful but Ragh must've aced his insight check because he sighs and continues, "Listen, this has got to be weird for you too, I mean, obviously it is if you think you're a homophobe, but I think there's a pretty easy way to figure out what your discomfort means."

"And what would that be?" Fabian asks snipily, turning away. He doesn't like apologizing in the first place, much less when the other person won't just accept it.

"Feel free to say no, but I figured you could just try kissing me." Ragh says, and Fabian’s head whips back to him. Ragh lifts up his hands defensively. “Full disclosure, I think you’re super hot so I'm definitely getting something out of this, but if you can't stop thinking about it… It couldn't hurt, could it?"

Ragh shrugs as he lays his offer down and Fabian-

Fabian's heart pounds like he's in the middle of a Bloodrush play as heat pools in his face and his stomach. He hadn't ever considered actually kissing Ragh, but now that it's on the table, something deep within him twists with want.

"One kiss?" Fabian asks, trying to will away his blush, "I wouldn't be… Opposed."

"Uh-uh, none of that. I need a definite yes or no, bro," Ragh says, "I don't want to pressure you into this."

Fabian feels his flush flare hotter and squeezes his eyes shut. The deep buried part of him has rapidly expanded and spread throughout his body, leaving his fingers twitching towards Ragh and his lips tingling with anticipation. He can't imagine saying no, but to say yes also seems almost insurmountable. He opens his eyes, sees how softly Ragh smiles and the patience in his eyes, and it feels like someone's reached into Fabian's chest and twisted. Fabian nods, excessively, embarrassingly, then says, "Yes, yes, I'd like to try it-" before Ragh is upon him like the tide on a beach.

It's different from kissing Aelwyn; there's no bitter taste of alcohol or sticky-sweet lipgloss, no, Ragh's lips are chapped and he tastes of salt from days at sea, but it's still so much. Ragh cups Fabian's head, gentle, but presses his mouth insistently forward, easily leading Fabian through the sweeping movements of a makeout. Fabian's heartbeat still thuds in his ears, but he can also hear Ragh's slow and steady breaths, feel how he nips Fabian's lips and smiles against Fabian's mouth. When it's over, when Ragh pulls back and Fabian embarrassingly chases after him for half a second, Fabian is breathing like he's been near-drowned.

"Still think you're homophobic?" Ragh asks, teeth flashing in the ocean sunlight, lips slick from Fabian. Fabian burns brightly.

"I have," Fabian clears his throat awkwardly. "A few other theories now."

Ragh laughs, full and perfect, throwing his head back. Fabian looks at the vast muscled expanse of his neck, realizes that the twist of his gut just means that he wants to press a kiss to the juncture of Ragh's jawline and neck, and thinks, Huh.

"Well, that was super fun," Ragh says, clapping Fabian on the back, "Always down to help a fellow Owlbear with a sexuality crisis, dude, just let me know if you wanna do that again."

Ragh heads back into the vanboat, whistling cheerfully, and Fabian waits until he's absolutely out of sight to raise a shaking hand to his lips. He feels a smile giddily crawling over his face and he buries his face in his hands rather than risk someone seeing him like that. He wonders, in a corner of his mind that's not fully busy simply rejoicing over getting his kisses in, if having a boyfriend is much different than having a girlfriend.

[medjaichieftain]

5 7 8 and 20

5: How has your musegrown since you first started playing them?

Athis core, he hasn’t. I have really tried to stay true to the original character, sincehe’s not mine. But as far as things I have expanded upon that were neveraddressed or mentioned in the movies, I would say the biggest area of growthfor Ardeth has been actually paying attention to his own life, heh. That soundskinda silly, but the movie gives you the impression that being a Medjai isArdeth’s whole life and he doesn’t really do anything else. He doesn’t ever haveany downtime, there’s nothing said about his family, there’s no talk about whathe wants for himself in his own life, it’s made to sound like he just works allthe time. Well that’s because he does, haha. So one thing that I’ve been ableto do with him is explore his own wants and needs a bit through threads withships or ones that include downtime. As dedicated as Ardeth is to his veryimportant job, there is more to life than that, and it is perfectly okay forhim to have a balance between work and personal life. That’s one of the thingsI want him to learn as I write him, so as I do, he transitions from a workaholicyoung person mindset to a more mature and well-rounded person. He still has alot to learn, though, as he still overworks himself and is kindof one-track-mindedwith regard to the Medjai.

6: What motivates yourmuse to get up in the morning?

Thethought that if he doesn’t get up and get his ass in gear fast and efficiently,someone somewhere might be seriously injured or even die. He cannot justifyslacking off or sleeping late when there are literally things ready to destroythe world, heh.

On ahappier note, in threads with ships and when he is with his family, Ardeth ismotivated to get up in the morning in order to spent time with his loveinterest or wife or children. Once he has a family of any kind, he becomes asdedicated to them as he is to his work and treasures the time he is able tospend with them.

7: Name a time whenyou really wanted to punch your muse.

Inthe canon, it was when he was on the bus and he just lost his shit and screamedat the mummy in his face haha. Like totally scared like a Chihuahua, arms up inthe air, doofy look on his face, screaming. And I’m just like Ardy, sweetheart,you face things that can kill you on an almost daily basis, what are you evendoing right now? (sigh)

Asfar as things I’ve written for him, I sorta want to punch him in his threadwith @runawayagent because Charlotte hasgracefully accepted the fact that she has had past lives and is someone ofgreat importance, but Ardeth is completely resisting accepting the same. And thefact that he told Rick the exact same things in The Mummy Returns, that he needed to embrace the missing piece ofhis soul and if he does he can do anything, just makes it worse. Eventually hewill accept it, but right now as he’s dismissing the signs of it as coincidence– just like Rick did! – I kinda wanna punch him, haha.

20: Name a headcanonabout your muse you haven’t said yet on this blog.

Since the events of The Mummy Returns, Ardeth has sufferedfrom sleep paralysis. Let me explain a littleabout what sleep paralysis is for those who aren’t familiar with it.

It’s asymptom of both anxiety and stress. Basically what sleep paralysis is, is whenthe brain is overactive during sleep and believes that it is awake when it isactually asleep. So the person is completely asleep, but the brain believesthat the person is awake, and therefore that they should be able to move,speak, see, and hear as normal. People with sleep paralysis often mistake the auditoryand visual hallucinations they experience for ghosts, demons, shadow people,aliens, astral projection, or near-death experiences. Really, though, all thatis happening is that, while asleep, your brain is interpreting what your sensesare responding to in a very primal way.

Common sleep paralysis experiencesinclude waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to move orspeak. Sometimes people feel like they are being choked or that something issitting on their chest. Usually a humanoid figure will be perceived as sittingon the person’s chest (this has happened to me) and/or chocking them, but alsoa common myth about cats (that they steal your breath at night) can beexplained by this. Other experiences include seeing a black shadow person inthe room, seeing a black dog or wolf, and hearing it growl (all of these havehappened to me). In actually, this can all be explained by human prey fears andprimal instincts as well as the biology of what occurs during sleep.

When weare asleep, our breathing becomes slower and shallower, so we don’t takedeep breaths. We also don’t move voluntarily, so we can’t choose to move orspeak. The brain, which thinks it’s awake, becomes alarmed by the fact thathey, we can’t move or cry for help right now. That panic response will thenresult in the brain trying to explain why this might be. Why can’t we move orspeak? Oh, because someone is trying to choke us or is sitting on top of us andweighing us down. Why are we so afraid right now? Oh, because there’s astranger in the room that wants to hurt us, or because there is an animal thatwants to eat us. The wolf is a very common predator fear for humans, and red isthe color of alarm. If we’re seeing a lot of red, it might be because there’s alot of blood, so red brings about some amount of alarm in our subconsciousminds. It’s why red is considered such a bold color in art or fashion, becausewe as humans key in on it very much.

So no, there aren’t any demons or shadowpeople or shadow wolves in the room with glowing red eyes, it’s just your braintrying to explain why it can’t do all the things it feels it should do becauseit’s actually asleep. Sometimes people will also claim that the shadow visitorswill moan and the wolves will growl. What that actually is, is you hearingyourself breathing or snoring in your sleep, and your brain interpreting it tobe a noise from something else.

Very religious peoplemight interpret these experiences as being visited and/or attacked by demons.Sci-fi nuts might think aliens visited them. And people who are verysuperstitious or who live in cultures where various types of predatory ghostsor nature spirits are considered to be real and common, they may think that’swhat is visiting them. Really, all it is that you are overtired, overworked,worried about something, really stressed out, really upset, etc., and yourbrain is unable to completely rest during sleep. (For example, two out of thethree times it happened to me was in the months leading up to my Ph.D. defense.I was nervous out of my mind, haha, overworked, and not sleeping well to begin with, so itmakes sense.)

Sleep paralysis is notactually dangerous. Although you may feel like you’re dying, you aren’t, andeven the visions and sensations you have of being crushed or choked are notreal, it’s just that you can’t breathe as deeply as your brain thinks youshould be able to because you’re sleeping. Where sleep paralysis can become aproblem is if the person is very afraid of what is happening to the point wherethey will actually avoid sleep to keep it from happening. Or if it’s soterrifying that they jolt awake and then don’t want to go back to sleep. Thatcan cause sleep deprivation if it occurs often enough. Most people that have itonly experience it once or a couple times maybe, but there are a few unluckypeople who have it very often, or some people may have it almost every nightuntil they can reduce the stress in their lives. And that is really the only “cure”for sleep paralysis is to relax and reduce stress.

Now as far as what Ardethis experiencing, he has felt the crushing/choking sensation and he sees ashadow person either in his tent or near where he’s sleeping or actually on himtrying to kill him. He does not experience sleep paralysis every night, but itis maybe 2-4 times a week in the weeks after the events of The Mummy Returns. He has not told anyone about it, but he fears itmay either be something evil trying to influence him when he is vulnerable or aprophetic experience trying to warn him of a rising threat in the future.

In the case of sleepingbeside a ship, what she would see is maybe that he would twitch a little, hisbreathing might become irregular, and he might manage to mumble a bit, butotherwise, he would just look like he’s sleeping or maybe having a vivid dream.Of course, if he were to suddenly wake up with a start - and he does this often– that might wake her up, heh.

[genderplanet]

since going vegan (it's been awhile now lmao and my sister again showed uncooked meat in my face and laughed at me so I'm annoyed and writting this lol):

Idk how to add ‘read more’ on moblie so good luck for people who hates vegans lmao it’s my own experience so jot that down: 1) Learned which friends™ are dumb as shit, will start debates with you and become an expert in health, economy, capitalism, environmentalist shite and so on while delivering 0 facts and completely dissmissing my researched scientific articles™ but their opinion is the ultimate supperior well known facts™.((not saying that science can’t be biased just saying that someone’s opinion™ vs multiple research papers and health organisations’ approved consensus like…..okay…………….)). 2) How much my family actually cares for my health. Thanks fam. Much appreciated that you let me develope an eating disorder which fucked me up so badly but since going vegan and eating normal meals everyday and not like maybe once in 2 or 3 days but ok. You’re now an expert and care for my health haha wow I sure do love not experiencing ibs, higher acidity, acne, lactose intolerance caused problems and hormone disbalance and so on but like : )) ur an expert now and care for me and my health : )))))) yes family none of you have lactose intolerance, bowel movements and other severe health problems caused by meat you experience is not your diet ur hhhhhealt h h yyyyy yyyy. 3) People suddenly becoming health experts while eating an egg lmao like….did i ask….. 4) People get suddenly VERY defensive of why they’re not vegans and tell how vegans are annoying and trying to get my vegan ™ approval. Like……I literally just showed a picture of what I ate why are you like this it’s so annoying. 5) “Being vegan is so expensive” You’re thinking of processed crap that so little of us actually purchaces but okay ((bonus points is if we’re in a grocery store and we both buy yoghurts just I vegan version and them dairy while my yoghurt costs the same or less than their dairy but……i guess I’m living an expensive life)). 6) I know only one person who is both lactose intolerant and soya protein intolerant but only talks about the latter while whining the same day about their health problems that are caused by lactose intolerance like…….shut up…jsut ahut yopppp and lwave me alone I came to talk about other things and not your and your child lactose intolerancd while not even saying 'lactose intolerance’. 7) No, I don’t support Peta they’re evil. 8) No, palm oil is not vegan (yeah it’s a plant but its consumption is just that bad) and majority of vegans avoid it, and you, a fellow omnivore™, do avoid it? Or just want an argument against vegans/veganism???? Why do ppl even want to talk to me about that shut up I didn’t even bring that up myself and people who wants to talk to me about that seems as if bathing in palm oil as they’re talking to me on how bad it’s for workers and enviroment. Look at yourself dipshit. 9) Again just like 1) just especially when person1 brings up how vegans are two faced assholes for buying food made by workers in poorer countries and then person2 joining in saying how bad it’s for enviroment, economy etc. and then…suddenly….can’t read when saying that over 2/3 of those foods goes to farm animals industry smth and not pretentious wuite vegans like me smth. 10) No, jokes about vegans doesn’t really phase me except when those jokes for some reason turn into debates because I was unphased and it turns out the person wanted to get me angry or some other shit. 11) Yes, people showing right into my face meat phase me. I’m making this post because of my sister who literally showed a piece of meat in my face, touching my face : ))))) but sure I’m annoying for talking and giving the facts after getting provoked. 12) I can eat so much and gain no weight nor lose any lmao but my family only now calling me anorexic. Cool. I experienced an eating disorder for couple of years but now when my weight and bmi is so average and normal I’m…..anorexic…..like……what 13) Acne whomst???? (except stress (((not really an acne I have other things like scratching and picking up any scab or bump that exist))) and period acne lol those exist but not as severe as before too so jot that down @ asshole who asked me how I got rid of acne and then started dumb ass debates with me like binch did i even ask your opinion. 14) People who were vegetarians telling me it’s just a phase while dismissing the fact that I’m doing this for my health and not because it’s trendy or some other shit they did which is easiest thing on earth to do. 15) People brining up plant allergies. Barbara, you just avoid it just like I avoid dairy because surprise I can’t digest certain plants too dairy too and I live. 16) The amount of people whining about bowel movements or cramps after consuming a dairy product tho. 17) No meds healed my gastrointestinal reflux disorder or how’s that called in english as this “diet”. 18) I’m less fatigue. I almost never get 'food coma’. 19) Seriously tho the amount of dumbass people ignoring what I have to say while listening to their half assed opinions. It’s so annoying. 20) My relatives used to boil or bake potatoes, rice, make more various salads before I went vegan. Now I go there with my own brought food and just….what the hell. Why are they eating only meats when it’s some family gathering, they laugh at me for 'you probably don’t eat anything’ no uncle, you decided instead of potatoes to get more meat which you won’t even eat and salads will be eaten in next 2h and nome of you will feel good the next morning. 21) My mother who has wheat allergy, lactose intolerant ((my wholy family and almost all relatives except one I think (i can’t remember if it was one or two) has lactose intolerance)), consumes more alcohol than should is constantly lecturing me on health…..no mother shut the fuck up. Every choice you’ve made in life was bad and I don’t even want to see your face. 22) My stepfather has literally same problems with stomach as me and he’s a fucking butcher. 23) Waiting until my aunt will stop giving her kid dairy because she for past year is whining how the kid is experiencing probably every health problem that is caused by dairy after the kid was old enough to stop digesting lactose naturally (after certain age babies stop doing that but ppl I’m whining on this post ignore that fact lol like only few 'lucky’ ones can still do that). Like….I’m waiting…..my aunt can’t digest dairy as well but I guess she knows better and let her child get sick. 24) The amount of ppl not understanding my “I don’t eat any animal byproduct.” and asking “What about fish?” ….like i thought it was basic to know what is an animal but i guess not. Like I don’t even say word 'vegan’ cause ppl here has no idea what is the difference between vegetarian(usually a diet person or trendy person but not always of course and even as a trend idc why tbh) and vegan (lifestyle not a diet). 25) “I hate when people do it because it’s trendy.” Like….your point is? 26) Vegans who are racist, anti-semitic (Kat Von D for example) are literal devils. 27) No, I don’t eat raw vegan diet that’s dumbest shit a vegan can do and yet people ask me if I’m like that. 28) People haven’t probably heard of seasonal fruits and vegetables and insist I’m some pretentious fuckface who eats like 8 bananas a day and avocados (spoilers: I don’t even like avocados and I probably eat one banana per week like I used to before I was vegan). 29) The amount of people not even listening to me when they start the dabates tho. I know I’m repeating myself but just….dumb as shit. Like why even start anything if it’s only opinions and no facts. 30) PersonA getting angry at me for telling that maybe when they heard on tv is not right and maybe I did my research, maybe I do see and voice my own thoughs and opinions when other vegans base their shit on pseudoscience but oh no if I say something that doesn’t support a person’s A option then oh no I’m biased and know nothing. Let’s get angry. 31) My family calling me anotexic and assuming it’s because I’m vegan now even though I lost that weight before is just sad. Literally a year ago I was the same weight as right now and I was not vegan. My family don’t even knowing that there are more eating disorders than anorexia is also sad. Also me having an eating disorder since 8th grade didn’t cause because apparently I was overweight (not sure if it’s scientific but ony my biology teacher in 12th grade after some conference told that sometimes you might have a severe eating disorder but your body just will hold onto that fat and other stuff and you will not look like it but you still can have an eating disorder). UghhhhhUUGGGHHHH just seriously my family just why so 'caring’ for my health. I want to literally punch them in the face every single time they bring any health related shit up to me. They literally can’t digest dairy, have other allergies and talk to me about health like shut thenfu k upppp I don’t want my intestines to fall apart because of my diet before going vegan what the fuck. I had years to take meds that didn’t help me, I still of course can’t digest certain plants just as before (lmao repeating myself). Literally switching the meat to soya or lentils is not any more expensive than meats that I surprise can’t fucking digest. My mother, aunt all of relatives told me how since I was a baby I had eating and digestion problems but once I went vegan and it all went away somehow I’m leas healthy???? likemmmmm kay seems fake but okay. 32) Also if I tell ppl about my family basically shitting on me maybe be a friend and don't talk how vegans are annoying. It feels like a slap sinceI just tell about my famiy doing dumbass ahit and you don't listen and just that....like....how old are you and do you know what is 'supporting' your friend.

tldr: Since going vegan almost all health issues/symptoms I had since baby went away since going vegan and no meds helped me that much. People suddenly became dieticians/health experts. People telling me how expensive and pretentious I am but ignores what I have to say about that. My relatives can’t digest dairy, but insist that my 'diet’ is unhealthy FOR THEM. My relatives makes less plant based dishes for some reason Hmmmm i wonder why. People get defensive why THEY can’t go vegan when I didn’t even ask. Have strong opinions which apparently are more important than my research, my own opinion and experiences. Family members telling me I’m unhealthy and anotexic while I’m finally almost got rid of my eating disorder while finally being completely average weight.

'tldr’ is tldr: people(my fam) are dumb and should shut the fuck up about veganism around me I don’t even start shit and they don’t know anything.

[diningrheum]

When it all comes tumbling down…gratitude!

I know my last post said that this month was SUPPOSED to be all about gratitude (and I promise I will still try to incorporate a little bit towards the end) but I’m struggling with it at this point, and I just want to make this blog REAL and HONEST…or else what’s the point of it.  Not to sound like one of those anti-depressant commercials that you see on TV, but most days in real life, I feel like I’ve had to wear a mask.  I don’t want my parents to worry, so I only tell them the good news about my RA, but don’t tell them about some of my lingering fears.  I didn’t want to disappoint my boyfriend, so I took a bunch of painkillers and hopped on the bike out of fear that the pain of my rheumatoid arthritis would impact my activity levels to a point that he would care less for me.  And it’s all driven me to this point….a breaking point where I feel backed into a corner and I just want to come punching and kicking and screaming my way out and say “THIS IS ME, DAMNIT!  This is who I am!  Love me or stop loving me, but I just can’t take hiding it anymore!”

The past year or so has been a complete dumpster fire! A (not so) brief recap:

At the end of the summer in 2017, my boyfriend and I decided to take the next step after almost 5 years together and move in together.  It was my first time living with a significant other, so I was super nervous but also really excited. Things seems to be going really well….for about the first month.  And then….well…something unexpected that I’m afraid caused irreparable harm to the relationship happened.  This is something that I fear I will deeply regret every single day for the rest of my life. To be fair to him, even I did not anticipate the depth of the depression and guilt that I would feel, but I had hoped for a little more compassion that the decision would be a so difficult for me, both emotionally and physically.  I have never been suicidal, but many days I felt that I don’t deserve to live after what I had done.  This may seem like an extreme reaction and perhaps it is, and it was one I was ill prepared for.  It was something that I never told a single other person about.  He was the only one who knew, and therefore the only person I could trust to understand these feelings.  And it felt like a betrayal, when he just pretended like it never happened. It felt like a further betrayal when he failed to follow through on the steps he was supposed to take to help put my mind at ease about the situation.

In January, my symptoms began to make themselves more pronounced.  Joint pain went from “ok, I just slept weird” to ” hmm….something strange is going on here.  I don’t think this is normal.” It was enough that it inspired me to take the first food sensitivity test to look for a possible culprit to my pain.  Looking back, I still sometimes wonder if all the stress of the previous autumn were in some way linked to my onset of RA. I’ve read many accounts of trauma triggering an autoimmune disease, so if a car accident can trigger it, than I’m almost certain that an unplanned pregnancy and then being suddenly not pregnant anymore can certainly do it.  I mean, the rollercoaster of emotions between guilt and relief alone could probably do the trick, but the crazy hormone changes that the body goes through, first by getting pregnant and then in response to the demise of the fetus are not to be dismissed.

Also in January, my grandfather passed away suddenly.  On Christmas Day, he was going to a friend’s Christmas party, then by New Years he was checking into the hospital.  I never expected that he would never check out and go back home.  Then, at the end on June, I got news that my other grandfather had passed away, less than 6 months between them.  Two great men, just gone from my life during a time full of uncertainty.

Next, came my diagnosis in July.  And with it, rather than total relief or optimism that I’d finally start to get the treatment I needed, I felt more guilt.  Guilt that my boyfriend wasn’t getting the active girlfriend he thought he was moving in with.  What if I didn’t get better?  We had just moved in together and I got the diagnosis on the one-year anniversary of our closing date.  This wasn’t what he had signed up for…an invalid for a girlfriend.  At a time when I should’ve been focused on my own health, I was worried that my boyfriend wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.  Up to that point it wasn’t as if things were going swimmingly in our relationship either.  I’m not great at adjusting to change, and even though moving in together was something I wanted, I’m a weirdly private person and now it was impossible to hide my weird little quirks, like my embarrassing Netflix queue of sappy romcoms or the stupid goofy games I obsessively play on my phone or my cookbook hoarding habit. Instead of embracing it and trusting that it wouldn’t change his feelings for me, I got nervous about him finding out.  I remember more than once, he would ask about what I did on an evening that we didn’t spend together, and I got instantly defensive and secretive about it and said “Nothing! Geeez…why do you have to know so bad, you control freak!”  Truth: I binge watched some episodes of a CW show or played games on my phone all night long or danced around and lip synced in the living room while blasting the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack.

I’m not saying he was completely blameless either.  He had some expectations of me that I felt were a little unreasonable, like a quota on how many times a week he felt we should be having sex (way to suck all the romance and spontaneity out of it).  And he wasn’t always perfectly compassionate.  Before my diagnosis, he made a comment on how I wasn’t really working out any more.  Earlier in our relationship, I used to go with him to the gym, but as my hands and feet started to hurt I was less and less into it.  I know it disappointed him, but it wasn’t exactly my fault.  He asked what my new fitness routine was, and I angrily shot back “Right now I’m lucky if I can walk to and from work without pain”  Then he shot back that I needed to come up with something because otherwise I would get fat and he couldn’t see himself with someone “not fit.”  It was hurtful!  I didn’t choose to be sick, and I was trying my best to overcome my depression, but I felt like he was suggesting that I somehow planned this disease and its onset to happen after we were living together as a means to trap him! Again, this was before I knew what was wrong with me and how or if I could get back to normal.  And the tensions kept mounting and the rift between us kept growing.  We’d fight more often and every time we did, he’d throw in a subtle or not so subtle suggestion that we break up, like “Things won’t work out unless you……”  I got really defensive every time and just shut down or exploded in anger at him, which never helped the situation.

Finally came today.  A brief background:  I grew up and live in a very liberal area of the country, and have always tended to lean a little more moderate-conservative. Being election day, I put a 24-hour temporary profile picture up that said “I voted Republican.” Being someone in a liberal echo chamber, I often keep these opinions to myself to avoid debates that never tend to lead anywhere and in my experience have always results in name calling, but everyone else so proudly declares that they vote and also proudly declares how they vote, either online or in daily conversation, so why can’t I just because my opinion is a little different?  I’m just as proud of my choice and the hopefulness it brings me for freedom and I didn’t want to continue to hide it.  My boyfriend was not happy, and he took it as a personal attack on him and said my posting it endangered his relationships with others.  It felt like the ultimate betrayal.  I trusted him to know me and love me for who I am, and encourage me to feel comfortable about it.  I’m tired of hiding everything….my pregnancy, my illness, even this blog- a blog that no one in my real life knows about, including him (I planned it that way because I felt like I could be more honest with strangers that if I knew my audience and was worried about how they might read what I was writing).  Instead, I felt like he was controlling me and censoring MY facebook profile and MY opinions because of how it made HIM look. So I erupted in a series of angry texts back at him.  He asked to meet for lunch to discuss.  When we did, I erupted even more.  Eventually, when I’d lost steam on my tirade, he said that he was sorry but that our relationship was over!  So there it was: a 24 hour facebook profile pic was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I feel so many things right now: angry, devastated, remorseful, and confused!

On some level, things with us haven’t exactly been healthy for a while, but then on the other hand, I’m finally starting to get a handle on my RA symptoms and I felt like things with us were starting to improve.  Two days ago we were talking about going to the store to start planning out cabinets and countertops for a kitchen remodel in our house.  And last night, we had just gotten a new comforter for our bed after struggling with a duvet that was always spilling out of its cover because of a few missing buttons.  I was really hopeful that we were going to be able to put all the bad things in past behind us and start to look forward and hopeful for a festive holiday season where we could finally get a reprieve from all the past year or so’s troubles. It felt like we were this-close to re-establishing peace in our relationship and if we could come out of the other side of this year, maybe a little battered, but still intact then we’d have the strength to get through anything together.  But I guess all of the setbacks of this year took their toll, and now I’m forced to find a time to start packing up our shared home and move back in with my parents.

So, I said I would end this post with gratitude, since that is supposed to be the theme of my posts this month.  It’s really hard to feel grateful for much when the man you love just gave up on you and broke your heart, but I am grateful that I do have other people that are in my corner.  My parents are loving and kind and will welcome me into their home to stay as long as I need. And not having to move into an apartment alone is probably good.  My parents will be caring and compassionate that I’ve just probably lost the love of my life (I know most people say that, but even though we’ve been together for about 5 and a half years, our story goes back all the way to the fall of 2000, so it feels like 18 years of my live—my ENTIRE adult life– has just fallen apart) but will also be the tough love I need to try to navigate moving on.  I don’t have a particularly large friend group, but the ones I do have I know love me unconditionally.  Even one of my friends, who I know disagrees with me on all aspects of politics really came through for me today.  I’ve been able to come clean with those people about last fall’s pregnancy and its aftermath and they’ve all been overwhelmingly comforting and supportive in ways I hadn’t expected. Now I only wish I had told them sooner, so I wouldn’t have had a year of self loathing over the whole thing and guilt about hiding it from everyone.  They were understanding of my reasons for wanting to keep it private and were truly there for me.  And will truly be there for me going forward.

  from WordPress https://ift.tt/2QtAaDG via IFTTT