#I took 3 or 4 within the span of maybe 2 hours yesterday and took another this afternoon

[50000bears]

Ughh I have so much to do today but I suddenly got really sick 5 minutes before leaving the house

[kuekyuuq]

Q: Do we actually have any canon concept of how long Kara was stuck in the Phantom Zone?

[I answered this to a post, and decided the topic was worth its own - slightly edited - posting.]

Whee~ I love turning fictional shows into a science-project!! 

 So, for how long did Kara stay in the Phantom Zone?

Upfront, the question is a bit misleading, as “time does not exist in the Phantom Zone”. What that means, canonically? Dunno... My head-canon is, that time as a concept is not per se perceivable or at least measurable in the PZ. However, clearly duration exists (a perceived order of events; event A happened before event C and B in the middle - and/or in the absence of events, the ‘sensation’ of un-measurable eternity [and equally nothingness/suddenness]).

However, Kara seems to experience quite a lot of things that are more or less shown to happen parallel to the events on Earth-Prime, which I will use as reference. I looked for mentions of time, daylight / nighttime settings, and wardrobe-changes, based on the assumption that characters (outside of superhero’ing) change their casual wardrobe not more or less than once a day (esp. Lena - at least pre-unemployment - and Andrea). So, here we go:

Any and all references (feel free to comment and add) to passage of time inside the Phantom Zone and on Earth-Prime while Kara was inside the Phantom Zone:

6x01 At the end of the episode, the next morning is shown (considering Andrea only just notices Kara is not there and refers to her father’s financial crash) Later Lena says about Myriad "[...] I did use it one last time tonight" only after that, we see Kara waking up (for the first time?) in the PZ = one whole day has passed (on Earth)

6x02 Starts presumably the same evening (grabbing Silas) Next morning Nia and William get assigned to Lex's trial, Andrea later visits Lena, Lillian visits Lena, Lena testifies against Lex.. [Aside: We may assume Lex is high-profile enough, his trial is happening a day after he was brought in(?)... is fiction, okay? ...the rushed job may or may not explain the verdict :( ] Silas did mention it would take him even longer than a week to get his portal working, but he had been talked into trying to get it done by sundown. And Kelly says “that’s more than anyone could have pulled of in a day” to Alex’s efforts to get Kara back asap. Kara is rejoined with her father. ...further, judging by everyone's wardrobe: = one full day passed

6x03 J'onn refers to letting the Phantom into their world / events of 6x02 as "I acted on my emotions yesterday." Kelly says "Look, I know it's not the same thing but yesterday, when I was in my own despair about what happened at Obsidian..." Kara says: "Until yesterday, I thought my father was dead." 

6x04 Alex sacrificing the crystal to save people over Kara happened within one day

6x05&6x06 3 days passed during Nia and Brainy's time-travel

6x07 2 hours of traveling inside the PZ :P Kelly, referring to events in 6x03: "Last week, you brought me flowers and asked me to move in with you" [Aside: We don't know if/when weekends happen, so if let’s say, that episode’s events happened canonically on a Monday, and the referred to events on a Thursday, only like 3-4 days would have passed and the statement of ‘last week’ would still be valid. Either that, or I missed a day or two between 6x04 & the intro of 6x05...]

====

7 days / one week seems to have passed on Earth. Kara referring to finding her father possibly matches up (her inner clock may still, at least at the beginning of her stay, have been in tune with the outside world), but cuts may or may not suggest, her subjective “duration” of her stay in the PZ was less long (maybe 3-4 days?), yet at also felt much, much longer...

I hope, that helps, or at least gives some indication as of how to interpret what the show depicted... (although, my personal take is, that the show doesn’t really know itself... soooo....) [Edit] I’ve been made aware, that between 6x01 and 6x02 William’s injury seems to have healed - although, that could be a production error. And how both, finding someone with Silas’ skill set and the preparations for Lex’s trial should have taken longer than a day, up to a week.  Usually, an episode of the show spans several days and/or is set about a week after the previous one (x-parters notwithstanding). Technically, this could also have been the case here. However... Alex’ and Jonnz’ kept depicting urgency, and the way how in the following episodes characters keep referring to previous episodes’ events as “yesterday” implies to me, personally, that events did unfold rather quickly during Kara’s “time” in the Phantom Zone.  If it had been about a week, however, it would mean, that Kara’s perceived time in the Phantom Zone was either even shorter than the time that had passed on Earth-Prime... or she had spent the equivalent of several days getting haunted by Phantoms before Zor-El took her to his cave... - Which I am not against, drama-wise! (Me thinks, tho, that her “No, no, no, not again!” indicates a 2nd, 3rd or maybe even fourth Phantom-attack, not a several days’ worth - seeing how Phantoms are seen showing up quickly once ppl roam about - after several ‘days’, IMO, she may have reacted much more resigned and less, dare I say, surprised? In my mind, act-first-think-later Kara pretty much spend her first ‘day’ in the PZ actively searching for a way out herself, and therefore somewhat added to her Phantom-encounter-count to merit that reaction... she still appears rather inexperienced and ignorant later when walking outside with others.)

But, again, the characters, their attitudes, how the following episodes seem to tie in back to back with another and by statements made (see above) only so ‘little’ time passed in the rest of the arc, and ...I can find no actual proof for a longer time-span at this or any other point. Meantime: William’s injury had been cauterized, he isn’t seen moving a lot without his arm-sling; Lex is high-profile; M’gann is very well connected in the alien-scene. And most importantly: Can anyone imagine Alex twiddling her thumbs for several days while her sister is in the Phantom Zone?

So, I take the liberty to stick to my above estimate - but feel free to add up to another week to your own count, between 6x01 and 6x02. :) Also, feel free to convince me and help me get this timeline more accurate! ❤

[litttlesilkworm]

Is it true that Gorbachev never supported Valery Legasov? Did he have a "court" as they say, or did he realize that Legasov was an expert one should listen to?

Thank you for a great ask, Comrade! 💜💛💚 And please forgive me for such a belated answer! And the same goes to all the authors of all the other anon asks I received but have yet to answer - I deeply value each and every one of them and promise to respond to them very soon! 

I do think that David Dencik’s Gorbachev, though not without charm, comes across as this kind of annoyed and needy monarch in the show. The real Gorbachev, with all his shortcomings, was a lot warmer - in a folksy kind of way - and much more personable. Look at this photo for example, of a room from which the Politburo meeting room was modeled in the show, and how Gorbachev sits together with the rest of the members, and not at the head table like a king:

And as to your question more directly - I actually have just the kind of a fascinating text here that I think, will speak for itself as far as the extent to which Gorbachev listened to and trusted Valery Legasov. The text is a transcript of the Politburo meeting that took place in the morning of May 5th in 1986 - merely a week after the accident. It actually is kind of a riveting read - a glimpse into how all those decisions had to be made in real time, with only meager - and constantly changing - information available. 

I wanted everyone to enjoy it, so I translated the discussion section from Russian (please see below).

Legasov really shines in this meeting and one can easily see just how much respect he instills in people around him. There is a rather amazing passage where Legasov voices his disagreement with Velikhov’s plan on how to drain the water from under the reactor. Gorbachev immediately takes Legasov’s side and approves his plan. He then sends Shcherbina out of the room during the meeting to make an immediate phone call to Chernobyl to instruct them to ditch Velikhov’s plan and start implementing Legasov’s. That was my favorite part.

Legasov also consistently sounds like the calmest person in the room. Just calmly and intelligently doing his job, solving what is essentially a scientific problem. Even from the transcript it is easy to extrapolate how much respect he commands around the table. 

I took the liberty to include some of my own notes/comments in the translation as well. And I am happy to answer any questions I can!

@elenatria, @alyeen1, @shark-from-the-park, @drunkardonjunkyard, @green-ann, @valerafan2, @johnlockismyreligion, @attachedtofictionalpeople, @the-jewish-marxist, @potter012

SHCHERBINA: We found ourselves in front of a situation that has not been considered before, which is why there hasn’t been any protocols in place for this type of an occurrence. The very project itself is built upon never allowing such a situation. There was an uncontrollable speeding up of the reactor. Immediately after the accident, there has been a lack of preparedness on-site to evaluate the situation. The Civil Defense did not warn people. Until the evening there were weddings being held in the city. The fire had to be smothered as soon as possible, and the radioactive fallout had to be reduced. 4 thousand tonnes of materials have been dumped at the reactor. We were able to knock the surface temperature down from 500 to 200 degrees. What shall we do beneath the reactor? People have approached the pool. It is possible that there is an opportunity now to release the water.

LIGACHEV: Don’t get ahead of yourself.

RYZHKOV: We’ll need to see about that. The most important thing is to avoid the explosion.

SHCHERBINA: The most difficult thing is deactivation.

(Note: Deactivation refers to the clean-up and burial of contaminated soil and water, etc - LSW)

GORBACHEV: The most important is to deal with the danger that is below.

SHCHERBINA: People are working selflessly.

(Note: It seems like they might all be talking over each other in an agitated manner. Wish we could hear a recording of this - LSW)

LEGASOV: The work is organized the following way: Comrade Shcherbina is in charge of organizing, Comrade Meshkov studies the reasons of the accident and I work on recommendations regarding prevention of the further spread of the fallout. There are also groups in Moscow conducting the analysis.

(Note: Legasov truly shines here, stepping in calmly and intelligently to get the discussion back on track. - LSW)

The considerations regarding prevention of the consequences of the accident that are being voiced in the West should be taken into account. These aren’t just guesswork, but a result of studies, conducted with other past NPP accidents taken into account. We had to do all the calculations on site, because we didn’t have any established protocols in place.

GORBACHEV: Plus in this case, there is water under the reactor.

LEGASOV: This was done to save money, otherwise one would have to build two separate buildings. Minsredmash did not agree with that. If we had 4-5 pipes that would be stretched away from the reactor and into some distance, this would not have been a problem. This is a miscalculation of everyone working in the energy industry.

GORBACHEV: What about the containment structures?

LEGASOV: Considering the force of the explosion that took place, a containment structure would not have saved anything.

GORBACHEV: We need to focus on what comes next.

LEGASOV: 10 hours later, we were able to stop the reactor. But it continues to emit radioactivity, because after a year of being in operation, it has accumulated a lot of isotopes. The heat output of those debris has been 14 megawatt in the first 24 hours, while today it is 8.5 megawatt. This is like burning 60 tons of coal every 24 hours. Besides that, graphite is burning, too. There is 2.5 thousand tons of graphite there in total. One ton burns up every hour. This equals 24 tons per day. The graphite will burn up completely in one-third of a year.

The number one task is to create a way of filtering out the radioactive isotopes. Right now the amount of them that gets emitted into air is 100-fold less than there would be without taking measures to drop sand and other materials on the reactor from the air. The area located in the vicinity of the reactor has been sacrificed, because dumping the materials from the height of 200 meters raised dust, which increased radioactivity near the power plant.

Currently, the mass that has been melted in the reactor is moving downward. This is difficult to control, because there hasn’t been monitoring devices installed that would allow doing that. This is my fault, too. But, not a single NPP in the world has something like that.

(Note: Remarkably, Legasov accepts blame for something he hasn’t even designed. Only that he hasn’t voiced his concern about this highly improbable scenario. Or maybe he did but doesn’t think he did it strongly enough? - LSW)

On the first day after the accident, the temperature of the melted mass was 1100 degrees, while yesterday at 18:00 it was 20 degrees. It goes up by 135 degrees every day.

(Note: “20 degrees” is clearly a typo and should say ~2000 degrees, as a quick calculation can confirm: 1100 + 135 x 7 days = 2045 degrees. - LSW) 

Last night, an experiment was conducted: the melted mass fell into water, and there hasn’t been an explosion. However, if the melted mass from the reactor reaches the water below, there will be powerful formation of steam.

The situation continues to be troubling. The reactor needs to be cooled from below. An underground tunnel needs to be created, and liquid nitrogen needs to be delivered via it. In 2-3 days, we need to allow the circulation of air. Yesterday, there were no air drops to enable the draft.

Regarding the potentially dangerous zone. It cannot be larger than 250 kilometers. Within which the active zone would be 30-50 kilometers. Our institute has previously considered a “Backstop” scenario, concerning this problem. So we have exact calculations on that account.

GORBACHEV: What would happen if the fuel reaches the ground water?

LEGASOV: This is where Velikhov and I could not find common ground. The pool needs to be emptied of water by pumping, not by shooting at it to pour it out.

GORBACHEV (to SHCHERBINA): We should let the site know, so they don’t shoot at it.

(Comrade SHCHERBINA steps out)

LEGASOV: And as for adding the concrete layer, that’s the final operation.

GORBACHEV: What about the remaining three blocks?

LEGASOV: The first two are in working condition. Barring another explosion, they will be fine. As for the third block, it might catch fire if there is another emergency.

GORBACHEV: Should we invite the foreigners? We shouldn’t do it in vain. But if we have to, then don’t be deterred by it.

LEGASOV: We were shown the cipher telegrams regarding this. Only two things were unknown to us: the French foam and the remote controlled robots from West Germany. So there is no need to send a general SOS message, whereas all the ideas originating overseas should be sent to the group for consideration.

RYZHKOV: If the strategy with pumping the water out via a pipe works, can the same pipe be used to pump the liquid nitrogen in?

LEGASOV: Yes. But it doesn’t cancel out the idea of a tunnel.

RYZHKOV: We should do both.

SHCHERBINA: I was just informed that the water pumping has begun.

(Note: looks like Shcherbina returned to the room after calling the site with this information. So, within this brief time span, Velikhov’s plan of shooting at the bubbler pool (with some sort of a projectile?) was rejected and Legasov’s idea was not only approved by Gorbachev, but actually started being implemented in real time. Amazing. - LSW)

(Note: another interesting takeaway is that they were arranging to bring Joker from West Germany way earlier than it was portrayed in the series. - LSW)

ALEXANDROV: Legasov reported everything correctly. Regarding the foreign assistance: it would be good to bring doctors who specialize in bone marrow transplants.

ALIEV: This type of a specialist is already working. 

(Note: this must be Robert Gale. - LSW).

LIGACHEV: Is there a possibility of a chain reaction?

ALEXANDROV: There is. But not an explosion, i.e. a momentary process. But there would be major steam generation.

SLAVSKY: Our Ministry is participating in limiting the consequences of the accident. My first deputy is there on site. One of the reasons for what has happened is that the Atomnadzor (Note: a nuclear watchdog/inspection agency - LSW) has done zero work. What is being done right now is correct. No further suggestions.

BREZHNEV (minister of transport infrastructure): Together with Comrades Shchadov and Usanov we went on site yesterday to survey the situation with approaching the water through drilling. The start of pumping is eased by its location. After the pumping, one must start pumping the clay-concrete mix. The drilling is complicated by the fact that the reactor cannot be approached to a distance closer than 250 meters. We have arranged with the military for them to deactivate the area so we could approach to a closer distance, 50 meters.

GORBACHEV: We should be picking up the pace. We should be working not only as if this was a wartime situation, but a nuclear one - around the clock.

RYZHKOV: Comrade Brezhnev should return on site and organize this work.

GORBACHEV: Yes.

GROMYKO: What’s the percentage of the fallout that enters the atmosphere?

LEGASOV: The SO is exceeded 22-fold. There will be zirconium. First, there was iodine coming out, and now it’s the rare earth minerals. The zone in the radius of 30 kilometers is dangerous. Iodine decays halfway in 8 days, and after 80 days there will be nothing left.

SEDUNOV (Deputy Chairman of Goskomgidromet): We are watching the situation with radiation from airplanes and the land sites. The spread of radioactivity depends on wind direction. First, the cloud went north, then west and south. There was a spread of radioactive air into Poland, Scandinavia, then into Romania and Bulgaria, yesterday - into Turkey. In Kiev, its level increased 80-fold above background, this morning it is 45-fold. A norm for the public is considered 10-fold above background over a year. In Minsk and Lithuania it’s 3-fold. In the North Caucasus, 2-fold. We suppose that in Kiev, it will start receding. But if the wind changes, the cloud can head toward Moscow. 

(Note: Goskomgidromet is the weather forecasting agency. - LSW).

SHCHERBITSKY: Someone confused roentgens and milliroentgens.

(Note: not sure what he is referring to? - LSW).

SEDUNOV: It is important to watch the isotope content of the precipitation. Iodine goes into milk. Today that’s where most of the danger is coming from.

GORBACHEV: What to do with the cattle?

SEDUNOV: No need to destroy it. The Kiev water reservoir may become polluted.

LYASHKO: The water probes are being taken every hour. Radioactivity was only found in upper parts of the Pripyat’ river. We banned the public from drinking water from open sources there.

SEDUNOV: In Moscow everything is normal so far.

SHCHADOV (minister of coal industries): It is dangerous to break through the wall. Water should be pumped out and then the mix should be pumped in. If necessary, we’ll dig under the building. 

(Note: Shchadov circles back to talking about the water problem and backs Legasov’s strategy. - LSW)

AKHROMEEV (deputy defense minister): Task number one is controlling the radiological situation. We started the deactivation of roads and other sites. Three thousand people are working on it. Today we will finish preparing the deactivation plan and report to the working group.

SOLOMENCEV: How effective is the cleanup?

AKHROMEEV: It reduces radioactivity by a factor of 3 to 4. We have to create burial sites for topsoil and water. We also have set up medical facilities at 7 thousand person capacity.

LIGACHEV: What does Akhromeev think about approaching the water under the reactor?

AKHROMEEV: My opinion is to break it with a cumulative projectile. 

(Note: I think this means an anti-tank missile. A true military man’s response, and one vote for Velikhov’s plan. - LSW)

RYZHKOV: There are enough people.

AKHROMEEV: If needed, we will bring more.

LYASHKO: The Dnieper system provides water for 32 million people. The water samples are taken every hour. Yesterday there was no alarm until the evening. But today, there is. On smaller rivers, radiation levels have increased and are now 10^-4, with 10^-8 being the norm. (Note: Units? - LSW). These areas were instructed to switch to water from closed sources.

Luckily, there are artesian wells here. If need be, we will bring water tanks. What would be more difficult is if we would have to dump the water out of Kiev Reservoir. There is already a water shortage in the South. We need Gosomgidromet’s recommendations on how long we should hold the water in Kiev Reservoir.

GORBACHEV: How are the evacuated people?

LYASHKO: Evacuation was carried out in 3 hours in place of planned 6. One bad thing was that we had no protocol in place for this kind of scenario, no training has ever been conducted. The food for the evacuated has been organized. There turned out to be a disconnect between the services of the 3-rd Minzdrav group and the regional medical services. (Note: Minzdrav is the Ministry of Health Services - LSW). They were kept too secret. I spoke to Comrade Burenkov about it. The situation is getting better now.

The census of the evacuated has been complicated by the fact that there were many who have left on personal transport for the holidays to other towns, to visit family, etc.

Construction workers were sent to other objects. 3.5 thousand people were assigned to the “Mayak” factory. Many went to work at agriculture jobs. They will receive medium wages. Because of property loss, people will have to be paid a compensation out of Gosstrakh (Note: a state insurance agency - LSW). The people from the countryside should be given a one-time amount of 100 rubles for the head of the household, and 50 rubles for each family member. The public insists on being provided more information and guidance: what to do in the situation they are in.

SHCHERBITSKY: It is very important right now.

GORBACHEV: I thought we have already decided to provide such information locally.

LYASHKO: We need the minister of health and the scientists to speak and broadcast these regionally. Water from under the reactor should not be let out into soil, even if it goes into a pit. A pool should be built. We can build this type of vessel. We also need vessels for the deactivated soil. But places like that should be guarded.

VLASOV: We will do that.

LYASHKO: The school year continues. The primary school needs to be let out in a week, the tenth graders should finish as usual. All the children, evacuated ones, should be taken into summer camps. I am requesting openings for them. The milk gets doubly checked. If there is contamination, it is being sent for butter and cheese production.

GORBACHEV: We have got the project of the resolution. What should we add? We should take into consideration that the situation is very difficult in all aspects: radiation, an enormous territory. There will be no definitive answers from scientists as far as the future goes. That’s why we need to work by the worst-case scenario. The top priority should be the reactor with all the options considered. The working group must consolidate all the necessary resources and mechanisms.

At the same time, the work with the public needs to be underscored: living conditions, jobs, healthcare, etc. Water is a special question. What should we do? We should carry out all the calculations, all the forecasts. Especially planning all that needs to be done in the danger zone.

Separately, we must decide how to be with the outside world. Information must be provided in a calm and balanced manner, without overconfidence but firmly. Panic is the luxury of the subordinates, and not of the Politburo or the government.

The local channels in Ukraine should broadcast more expanded information. Across the Soviet Union, primarily the facts should be broadcast. Maybe the informational frame can be expanded to the outer world, as well. Our adversaries are asking us questions that would on one hand, allow them to judge us as a whole, and on the other hand - smear us with mud. If we add more information now, it will be natural, because the time passes, and with that the amount of facts. But we should not create a picture of overconfidence. We are facing the fact that this situation is a signal to everyone. The public’s opinion should be turned toward the steps we are taking towards nuclear disarmament. This accident, on a nuclear object, tells us that a nuclear war should never be allowed to happen. We should talk about this at a press conference. So, the information needs to be added to, but responsibly.

As for bringing the foreign specialists? As I understood from Legasov, there is no need for it. If there will be a need, then we’ll decide. 

DOLGIKH: This is written in the next to last section.

GROMYKO: I agree with what Mikhail Sergeevich had said. It is correct that the situation remains serious. In the second section of the project it says: to consider.

GORBACHEV: It should say: approve the proposed measures and intensify the work.

GROMYKO: Section 10. We raised this question at the United Nations. We should use what we’ve already talked about previously.

SHCHERBITSKY: Section 9 needs to be expanded, to mention informing the populace regarding the situation.

GORBACHEV: Add this.

MEDVEDEV: Perhaps we should make a mention of periodically informing our friends.

GORBACHEV: It is already in the project. I suggest incorporating these suggestions and approving it.

POLITBURO MEMBERS: Agreed.

GORBACHEV: Boris Evdokimovich, you said that the analysis of the causes of the accident has been completed.

SHCHERBINA: Yes. On 25th of April, the power plant started conducting an experiment to test the reliability of its functioning, which has been approved by the Chief Engineer. It has been a crudest mistake to conduct such a test without taking the reactor functioning into account.

GORBACHEV: What kind of experimenting was it? This is a nuclear power plant.

SHCHERBINA: These kinds of experiments are conducted at power plants. But the nuclear watchdog agency should have been informed of that. The first scientific deputy hasn’t been there.

GORBACHEV: What about the version with hydrogen?

SHCHERBINA: No. There were two explosions inside the reactor.

GORBACHEV: What about the automated systems?

SHCHERBINA: None of the three systems worked.

GORBACHEV: There has already been resolutions regarding the improper operating procedures at Chernobyl NPP.

SHCHERBINA: The personnel have not been properly chosen.

CHEBRIKOV: We have two reactor systems - two-line (the more reliable ones) and the single-line ones. This is a single-line reactor. It doesn’t tolerate fluctuations in the operating procedure. Unplanned things lead to adverse circumstances. There are three systems in place to stop the reactor everywhere, but this one only had two. Capturing the extra heat output - that’s what the experiment was for. Its planning was done without involving the reactor designers.

SHCHERBINA: The hydrogen version was discarded right away. The problem was with the reactor vibrating and speeding up.

DOLGIKH: We should wait for the results of the final analysis.

GROMYKO: We should start discussing this in Central Planning. A big misfortune had struck us. Someone made an oversight, committed a crime and must be punished. What sort of thing they decided to experiment with. The decision should be such that many generations would not forget about this fact.

GORBACHEV: I suggest approving the resolutions regarding the liquidation of the consequences of the accident at Chernobyl and inviting Hans Blix to the USSR.

POLITBURO MEMBERS: Agreed.

The resolutions are approved.

[moskaisley]

migraine pt. 5 | relief

gif cred: @coredrive

rating: mature

word count: 4k platinum hi def TV

warnings: angst but also some comfort bc everyone is in their feelings, violence, descriptions of fighting and blood, mentions of death 

a/n: 

me: yea i’ll post by 8pm!!! also me @ midnight:

 i got slammed with some work from my job last minute so thats why she’s a couple hours late!! such is the life of a freelancer but thank u all for being patient anyway hehe. anyways!! i’ve had a LOT of ideas for side stories lately and i’m thinking of posting them in between the main parts of migraine so maybe look out for that??? 

and thank u all for your kind words on part 4!!! ily all and i hope u enjoy this one. alexa play in my feelings by drake  🥺🥺🥺

summary:

“Did you love him?”

You freeze, heart pounding loudly in your chest at the thought. You know the answer, but you’re terrified to speak it aloud, as if Mando could hear you utter it into the universe.

Where you find the strength to feel it all at once.

parts 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6

ao3 link / masterlist

“I’m going on ahead.” 

“Well, I’m not coming with you.”

He scrunches his nose, nostrils flaring. You refuse to look him in the eye.

“Seriously?”

You pick at the threads in the thin blanket on your legs with your nails. He’s fully dressed, standing in the doorway of your tiny dwelling. You’re still in your cot, your last chance to flee with him slipping away with every string you pull.  But fear claws at your insides, paralyzing you in your spot. You hear him shuffle, kneeling beside the bed and forcing you to meet his gaze.

“Please, help me stop them,” he pleads.

Your lip quivers, tears threatening to spill over. He’s such a beautiful boy. You loved and loathed his courage; Luca was always braver than you were, fighting off bullies in the schoolyard and sneaking out after dark. He was the first one to defy the Moff when he showed up at your doorstep, and he was the quickest to arm when they came blasters ablazing. But while Luca had moved forward ready to enact his revenge, you were still stuck in front of your burning home, heat blistering against your skin and pathetic tears streaming down your face. You’re still frozen at the other end of a blaster, cowering on your knees before a man clad in black. You’re still being ushered away down the country road with your brother, two very distinct shots ringing through your ears. 

But Luca doesn’t understand. 

“We’ll die, just like them.”

“Don’t you want to die fighting?”

You tear a hole in your blanket.

“I don’t want to die at all, Luca.”

--

You haven’t spoken to him in days. 

It was quite impressive, really.

Ever since your breakdown, you denied yourself any sort of contact with the Mandalorian, bitterness and hurt still raw every time you looked at him.  At first, he tried to get you to respond to him, prodding with simple questions and painfully awkward small talk. But when his one-sided conversations were only met with more eerie silence, Mando took the hint and stopped trying altogether. You didn’t spend too long in the same space with him either; you made sure to work on opposite sides of the ship. Shifts were still maintained at night to watch over your camp while the other slept; but when it was his turn to take over, you only woke him with a wordless shove and quickly slipped into your bunk to get your share of rest.

Sleep never came.

Instead, you aimlessly tossed on the mattress for hours and hours on end, mind torn over the man standing outside your door. You loathed him, you were sure of it. He hurt you, more than anyone ever had. Took everything and crushed it beneath his boots. Then had the audacity to come back and ask for a favor. It was time to just let it all go; to push it far behind you and go on forward with your heart guarded and barred from the rest of the universe. To live and die alone. 

So why was the thought of never seeing him again making your chest tighten with agony?

You dug your face into your pillow a few times, letting out guttural, violent screams of frustration until your voice nearly gave out.

You should be angry with him. He left, he left, he left.

Just like Luca.

In those solitary hours, you thought a lot about your brother, and how painfully similar this all felt: The resentment that festered in your bones clashing with the deep love and care that resided in your heart. You didn’t want to forgive, but living with these thorns in your side was so fucking exhausting. You wondered if the universe doomed you from birth, never destined for a moment of peace. The warring feelings within you made it impossible to sleep easy, and soon enough, the sun would come up. Mando would be outside rapping on your door and you’d start the day over again. Rinse and repeat.

By the fourth day, the lack of sleep had caught up to you. 

Precariously perched on top of a ladder, you took the day to work on the repulsor grilles. Your mind was in a daze. You struggled to figure out which parts go where, and your hands were so clumsy you kept losing your tools to the small slot you’d been tinkering with. After dropping your screwdriver for what seemed to be the seventh time today, you were so fed up that any caution was thrown into the wind. Hot metal and active wires were the least of your worries as you carelessly shoved your hand down the slot for your lost tool. Your fingers grazed the handle, but as you shifted to get a better angle, you felt a burning shock shoot through your arm. You all but ripped your hand from the slot, wincing as you feel something tear at your palm. Your sudden movement was enough to drive the ladder toppling over. Squeezing your eyes shut, you braced for impact. You hear a low grunt as your body collides into Mando’s, strong arms quickly wrapping around your waist to steady you. Your cheeks grow hot at the feeling of him, and for a moment, your body pleads to stay in his arms just a little longer.

“Are you okay?” the low timbre of his voice brings you back from your panic. 

You quickly push off of him but hiss at the searing pain radiating from your hand. Turning over your palm, you grimace at the big nasty gash that gushes down your forearm with blood. Mando grips your shoulder and spins you around, trying to take your injured hand. 

“Let me see.” 

“I’m fine.” 

You recoil, holding your palm close to your chest and bleeding all over your shirt. Impatient, he goes in to grasp your wrist and wrestles with you again. 

“Will you quit being difficult and hold still?” he growls, voice devoid of any softness. The edge in his voice makes you freeze. It’s the first time on this journey that he spoke so firmly with you. Too tired to fight, you let him take your hand into his and study your injury. 

“Sit,” He lets go of your hand and gestures to the ground. “You’re going to need stitches. And then you’re going to rest. I know you haven’t been sleeping.”

“I’m fine,” you grit.

“It wasn’t a suggestion,” he chided harshly, as if lecturing a child, “I don’t need someone wrecking my ship more than it already has. You can work when you’re capable.”

He briskly storms back into the ship to grab the medpack, effectively ending your spat. Collapsing to the ground, you curse under your breath in irritation as you stare at your stinging cut. A piercing ache begins to radiate in your temples and weariness starts to settle into your bones. You’re so tired. The emotional turmoil of the past week had sucked every drop of energy you had left, and you were left feeling like you’d been hit with a landspeeder. 

A worried coo draws you from your thoughts, and the child looks up at you expectantly. 

“Hey, little guy,” you said, patting his head lightly with your free hand. He gingerly toddles to your thigh and tilts his head at your bloody palm. The kid begins to fuss, gurgling as he claws at the side of your leg. You scoop him up into your lap, and he settles down, satisfied.

“What’s going on, kiddo?” 

Then, he closes his eyes and holds his hand out, hovering over yours. You feel the flesh on your wound begin to move. Your gash is closing before your eyes and the skin is completely healed, as if it was never there at all. You pressed your fingers into your palm; the burning pain had subsided and the skin beneath it was completely smooth. Brows furrowed, your eyes dart from your hand to the child, his eyes slowly drooping closed. Your mind is racing. You hear Mando shuffle back out from the Crest, quickly dropping beside you and checking your hand.

You’re both stunned to silence as the child in your lap falls fast asleep.

--

Early mornings in the forest were cold.

You’d been shivering in front of the fire for a few hours now, wrapped in a threadbare blanket you’d taken from your bed. You stared pensively at your palm, gently tracing your fingers over where a cut should’ve been. With a sigh, you hug your legs to your chest, and rest your forehead on your knees. After the child healed your injury, you thought your shock would’ve kept you from getting rest, but you slipped into sleep the second your head hit your pillow. You woke up later in the middle of the night, insisting to trade shifts with Mando. 

“I doubt you want a repeat of yesterday,” you told him, “Go to bed.”

In all honesty, you needed the early hours of dawn to collect yourself as your mind was all over the place. Between the mysterious child, your clashing feelings for your partner and your impulsive career change, your life had seemed to unravel in the span of a week. You thought of the way he spoke to you the day before; he was quick to care for you, but his voice was emotionless and cold. It sounded very similar when he left all those years ago. You know he only means to keep distance between you and respect your wishes. After all, you were the one who wanted to separate for good after this mission, but the ache in your heart told you otherwise.

Pressing the heels of your palms into your eyes, you could only come to a single conclusion: the Mandalorian had successfully derailed your life yet again.

The cry of an animal pulls you from your brooding and you’re swift on your feet with a vibroblade in hand. Stalking around the trees, you keep low in the foliage and slowly move towards the source of the noise. You see a fathier standing on the main trail hooked to a lopsided wooden wagon. Fruit and vegetables were spread all around the road along with a broken wheel. An old man rounded the corner, looking tiredly around him and began picking up the mess. The grip on your blade relaxes. Standing to your full height, you walk forward to meet him on the main path.

“Excuse me, sir,” you call to him, “Do you need help?”

He gawks at you, obviously not expecting anyone to be in the forest. He gives you a smile.

“That is very kind of you. Thank you, child.”

You learn that his name is Amir. He’s a farmer with fields down the road, and for the past 50 years, he’d make the trip every weekend into town to sell his harvest on the same wagon. He tells you how the fathier lost control, pulling the old carriage and damaging the wheel. 

“I suppose I must invest in those blasted speeder-whatevers,” he sighs. 

You chuckle lightly. He sounds like your father. 

“Please, let me fix it for you.”

Amir sits on a rock to the side of the trail, and you try your best to repair the wagon. Making light conversation with him as you work, you spoke of your own family’s orchard and recounted the times you spent on the farm. His company relaxes you and for a moment, you’re able to forget the chaos that consumed your thoughts earlier. 

“It’s hard work, this life,” he says, “but it is fruitful all the same.”

You laugh earnestly at his joke. He smiles at you warmly, patting his hands on his knees. 

“Where is your family now?”

“They were lost to the Empire. Our farm was burned down.” 

He sighs sadly, “War seems to take from us both. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Please, don’t be. It happened a long time ago,” you say quickly.

A beat of awkward silence passes. Amir changes the subject.

“So what are you doing here? In these woods. You look less like a farm girl and more like a mercenary.”

“Close. I’m a bounty hunter. Our ship crashed just past those trees.”

“You’re with someone else?”

“Yes. A Mandalorian. He’s–” you pause, thinking carefully over your words, “He’s just an old colleague of mine.”

But Amir is a very observant man, and he notices your hesitation.

“Tell me more about this Mandalorian of yours. I’ve never met one before.”

“It’s kind of a long story,” you say sheepishly, “I wouldn’t want to keep you.”

“A long story?” He questions, mischief flashing in his eyes, “I thought he was just a colleague.”

Warmth travels to your cheeks as he looks at you expectantly.

Cheeky old bastard.

But you indulge him, giving him a watered-down version of your history with Mando; how you met, how you worked together for many years before you parted ways, and how he came back asking you to help with his weird magical son. Amir listened intently, and when you finished, his face was pulled in thought.

“It’s a bit odd for a bounty hunter to have a child, isn’t it?” He wonders aloud, “I take it isn’t the safest profession in the world. I could see how he could need the help.”

You chew on your bottom lip, attention focused on twisting a screw. 

“We... didn’t split on the best terms. It wouldn’t be good for the baby.”

“I see.”

Amir notes your sudden change in demeanour, observing the way you tensed at the subject. 

“Did you love him?”

You freeze, heart pounding loudly in your chest at the thought. You know the answer, but you’re terrified to speak it aloud, as if Mando could hear you utter it into the universe.

So you answered him honestly.

“I’m angry with him.”

He lets out a hearty laugh. 

“My dear, you can be angry with someone and still love them.” 

What a nosy man. 

You shrug laughing lightly with him as you go back to work. As you mull over his words, you find them resonating deep within you. Had it been anyone else, you probably would’ve ignored or straight-up denied the question, but connecting with Amir had made you feel comfortable to speak freely. It felt cathartic to put your feelings into words. 

“You know, Imperial soldiers occupied the town for many, many years. My daughter decided to join the rebellion after she joined the local militia. We got into a terrible argument, begged her not to fight, to stay home but–” Amir struggles to finish. You’d stopped your tinkering with the wheel, instead listening carefully to his story. Your heart twisted, as the grief he felt was very familiar. You reached out to hold his wrinkled hand, giving him a sad smile. 

Amir takes a breath, looking wistfully towards the treetops as he continues,

“Sometimes, when people hurt us, we think we want nothing more to do with them. But when they’re gone, we only regret the love we never spoke out loud.”

-- 

Din thought he was dreaming when he woke up to the smell of cooking food. 

When he left the Razor Crest, you were feeding the child a small bowl of sautéed vegetables and rice. To the side of the camp, he spotted bags of fresh produce and grain. You greet him with a relaxed grin.

“You know, some of the things you’ve kept in there haven’t been touched since we split. It was kind of disgusting.”

He’s so confused.

“Where did you get all of this?” He asks.

“There was a man who broke down on the side of the road. I helped fix his wagon and he gave us food in return.”

You pat the child’s head as he finishes up his meal and take him into one arm. Din only stares, bewildered, as you pick up a dish that was sitting by the fire pit and hold it out to him. 

“Eat. And when you’re done, come find me,” you say, “We need to talk.”

--

“We need to talk.”

Words stronger than any weapon. 

Anxiety churned in his stomach, nearly rendering him incapable of keeping any food down. But your cooking was leagues better than any ration pack that he’d had in weeks; Din wasn’t about to (literally) throw the opportunity away, especially if this was some of the last moments he’d ever have with you. He ate slowly, savoring every bite, heart warming at the way you made it especially spicy for him. From the window of the cockpit, Din watched you leisurely skip rocks across the water while the child excitedly wandered along the shore. It was almost unsettling how quickly your energy had changed within a day; it reminded him of the days before he left. The days where there wasn’t a giant rift between you. 

When he finished his meal, Din rounded the corner of the ship expecting to see you at the shore, but you were nowhere to be found. He approached the edge of the water and stared at the abandoned pile of smooth stones. The next thing he knew, he was being roughly tugged by his arm and thrown flat on his back, knocking the wind out of him. He gasped, chest heaving for air and adrenaline coursing through his veins. As he struggled to prop himself up on his elbows, you meandered into his view.  He expected to see your face contorted with rage once again, but to his surprise, your expression was cool and collected as you pulled at the wraps around your hands. 

“We’re gonna spar,” you say, tone suspiciously even, “And you’re gonna tell me everything about the kid.”

Din stares, bewildered as you tower over him.

“Why?”

You still don’t look at him directly, instead tugging tightly at the cloth against your wrist and checking if you’re satisfied with your work. 

“If memory serves me correctly, we’re still evenly matched. 350 to 350,” you say, not even bothering to address the second part of your demands. 

But Din will take whatever you give him at this point, so he complies and swipes at your ankles with his legs, knocking you down. Taking the opportunity to get back onto his feet, he squares himself into position. You propel yourself back to your feet with much more grace, brushing yourself off and bringing up your fists. Din swears he can see faint lines of a smile on your lips and a glint of excitement in your eyes.

“Don’t hold back. Even if I’m mad at you.”

He smirks. 

“Never.”

--

You were always better at close combat than he was; the nature of your preferred weapon required so. But what Din lacked in skill, he made up for in stamina, and that’s why he was able to keep your little competition even for such a long time. Your fight had been going for nearly an hour, and at this point, you’d normally tire out and start getting sloppy from exhaustion. But your residual feelings of frustration and dream of kicking his ass for the past three years kept you fierce on your toes. It also helped that he had a story to tell. 

You listened attentively as Mando told you of the Mudhorn in between your relentless assault of jabs and kicks, how the child used his strange powers to lift a giant beast and how it was unlike anything he’d ever seen before. He also told you how he actually delivered the kid to the client, but turned back to rescue him before the Imperials had a chance to do any harm. (You noted how his voice dipped slightly in shame admitting this to you.) He told you of Sorgan, Tatooine and his reunion with Ran, and how no matter what system he seemed to end up in, the child was always in danger. As you processed this information, your attention seemed to slip, and Mando was able to throw a punch straight into your nose. 

You stumble backwards, cursing at the pain and feeling warm liquid pooling on your upper lip. He relents for a moment, pacing towards you in worry.

“Shit, I’m sorry–” 

You cut him off by gripping his arm, using his momentum to drive him over your shoulder and throw him on his stomach. Pressing your boot into his back and pinning him firmly against the ground, you tease.

“Not the first time I had you like this, Mando.”

You keep your foot firm against him as he struggles to push himself up against you, heavy breaths crackling through the vocoder of his helmet. Eventually, he relents and holds up his hands in surrender.

Pride blooms warmly in your chest, and you collapse on the ground next to him.

I nearly broke one of his ribs this time. You’re dizzy as you come down from the high of adrenaline coursing through you, exhaustion settling into your sore body. 

“If I sustain another injury on this stupid mission, I’m taking all the credits for myself,” you say, wiping the blood gushing from your nose. 

You hear him chuckle lightly beside you.

“You deserve it. I’ve been a total ass.”

“That, you have.” 

Catching your breath, you focus on the sounds of birds in the trees, and the feeling of wind cooling and relaxing your body. It was so tempting to just give into him, but you remembered what you called him here for– why you initiated a duel in the first place. The talk with Amir this morning helped clear your head, but it still terrified you to address it all. 

You take a deep breath, basking a little longer in this moment of peace. 

“Thanks for not holding back,” you said earnestly, pointing to your nose.

Standing up and brushing the dirt from your clothes, you turn to him and hold out a hand.

“Are we good?” he asks, hope slipping through his voice.

“No. Not even close,” your lips curl into a sad smile, “But it’s a start.”

You pull him up to his feet, and your grasp on one another lingers for a fleeting moment. You’re the first to let go, brushing your sweaty palms against your pants. Walking to the shore of the lake, you take a few rocks in your hands and continue skipping them across the still surface of the water. Your heart is racing; you feel his gaze on you, expectant for … something, anything. 

“When my brother left to become a rebel,” you began, voice taught with anxiety, “I was only 18 years old. For a long time, I was so angry with him. Who leaves their only family behind? Alone? To fend for themselves? I was–I was convinced I didn’t care what happened to him after that. That I hated him. ”

Something painful catches in your throat. You skip another rock.

“We were so young. He wanted to take me with him, y’know? Find the Moff that killed our family and get revenge. Destroy the Empire and end their reign of terror. I was too afraid; all I could think about living to see another day. But after a while, I missed him so much–I just wanted my family again. I started to regret not going with him, but then I met you.”

Mando didn’t respond, listening carefully and hanging on your every word.  

“And when you came along, it felt... nice to let someone in again. Not just as a coworker but as a friend. To not be alone. To have someone in my life. To– ”

To fall deeply, wholly, and beautifully in love.

Frustrated, you grip the smooth stone in your hand tightly. You feel like you’re rambling; there’s just so much.

Mando finally speaks, “Y/N, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I’m still hurt and angry,” your voice was beginning to tremble, “That being abandoned for a second time was the worst feeling in the galaxy.  I need you to know that.”

You hear him walk towards you, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.

“Mesh’la, please look at me,” he pleads.

“But I also need you to know that and I left things like this, I’d never find peace.”

You turn around to face him, tears in your eyes and heart leaping in your throat.

“Because there was a time where I thought I’d know you forever. And I don’t want to let it go.” 

--

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thx loves 💘

[press-x-tojason]

Giant Bomb is dead, and I care way less than I thought I would. Probably because 83% of the people who I ever cared about had already left or died, or were already relegated to reduced content roles. 

Honestly, though, the writing’s been on the wall for a bit. They haven’t had anything worthy of paying for premium in several years, and, even though they’ve had well over a year to figure out a plan for the COVID era, they maybe made it a month with their plans to have a series of streams daily. I actually managed to forget I followed them on Twitch at all, for about 4 months, because they only streamed the podcasts and the occasional former Harmonix employee (who was literally paid to make content with their games while employed at Giant Bomb, which was funny because he blocked me on Twitter for making a post, addressing no one, back in 2014, which was asking about the legitimacy of the leaked list of “games “””””journalists”””””” who had taken money from publishers for positive reviews, a list which included him and multiple then-coworkers. I didn’t follow him, he didn’t follow me. He was manually searching the keywords, because he was, and is, a prick.) solo Rock Band stream in the last 8 months or so. Even when Jeff would manage to do one of his 20 streams from home a year, it would be on his own channel. There was just no content. And they’re surprised their “pay for our unique premium content!” model failed. They always “feigned” anger at Dan for “making” them do the Mario Party Parties, and literally never promoted his and Drew’s Metal Gear series after the first game... but I bet that, when only those, UPF, and the ad-free versions of the podcasts were premium features, those two series were keeping them afloat. Well, that and the remaining goodwill they miraculously managed to hold onto for a few years after Ryan died.  Shit, I follow several people who are GB staff-adjacent, and... I can’t think of the last time they mentioned anything that happened on-site. Even the people who’ve been directly supporting them for over 10 years were out. 

But yeah, the site is super dead. They pretended in the announcements like they’re going to make a go of it still, but... you’ve got like 4 content people left, and the only one people give a shit about is Jeff. You just saw 3/4 of the side of the site that was still trying these past several months jump ship in a 3 month span. One of those was, by nearly any definition, a founding member. Of which you had already lost one, and are losing another from the main side. Jeff’s been way less active until the last week or two, probably because he heard they were leaving and was like “oops, should probably check on the ship that’s been sinking for years!” Then you have Jason “The Human Mumble” Oestricher, the charisma vacuum, whose legitimate public-facing reaction to first hearing that all but one of his GB predecessors were going to be gone. was, and I quote, “Hoo Boy.” Ben and Jan are the definition of “fine”. They would have been great, as they are today, as secondary members 8-10 years ago. But carry the site, they cannot. They’re down to, what, 5 named members now? It hasn’t been that dire since the beginning of 2009, before they hired Drew, when they hadn’t even started the P4 endurance run. You know, that surprise massive, internet-changing thing that essentially popularized the Let’s Play concept, loosening its definition and making it something that could be as personality-driven as game-driven, made simply to give them something to put on the website, beyond the rare review and, slightly later, quick look. This kinda illustrates the problem with modern Giant Bomb. When they were figuring shit out, flying by the seats of their pants, they came up with great shit, and they gave enough of a shit to make it happen. 0.000% chance they do a 10 hour Thanksgiving Kinect stream if the Kinect was new today. 0.000% chance the core members would have done an endurance run in the last 10 years if CT and Shenmue (which I haven’t watched) weren’t driven by the younger members. And you could see it in the fact that they never made a real, true mobile app. The number one thing that would have made them indispensable this past decade, an app to integrate premium features, the podcast, their video player, etc. all in one place in a mobile-friendly package, that could sync with the website... and they never even raised the idea publicly. I wonder how much of the innovation was the group think-tank of the first 5 years. Beyond Dan’s couple major contributions, I don’t think they added a single new type of content after 2012, which... still means the last 6.5 years lacked any semblance of innovation. I guess that’s a big part of why I fell off tremendously quickly after late 2014. There was just nothing new, and believe me, I was looking. I wanted reasons to stay watching. I supported them with my dollar. I believed in those brave early days. And I went back yesterday to watch the DP endurance run from VJ again. I still miss that rapport. And really, that hurt, too. Vinny moving back east, less than a year after Ryan passed... short term, it was fine. You had more people than ever to cover the gaps. But the spark was gone. The chemistry made the site. When I think of Giant Bomb, I still think of Jeff, Vinny, and Ryan, first and foremost. Those early podcasts, the NintenDownloads, the crazy tangents that everyone could seamlessly follow up on(well, except Brad, because he essentially slept through most of the podcasts, unless he was talking about the thing he did that week), the weird high-concept GOTY stuff... it wasn’t perfect, but you were entertained. You laughed. You were engaged. It never felt like you were watching them working, even though you could see the work they put in. It felt like, when they released something, you were experiencing a group of legitimate friends doing what they wanted to do anyways.(And boy have I seen enough groups do everything they can to NOT be enjoying doing that, and break up as a result due to hating the jobs that they chose to do). 

Part of me would love to make it as simple as “Ryan died, and so did the original spirit”, and... to a degree, it’s true. If you go back to any retrospective they’ve done about the founding of the site, or the podcast they recorded after Ryan passed, you can’t help but recognize that Giant Bomb never happens if these core members don’t all quit their jobs, led by Ryan,  because they respect their boss/manager, Jeff, and know he’s doing the right things(for them, for the reader/viewer, etc.) ahead of what GameSpot management wants him to do. Jeff could have been left in the wilderness, trying find a spot elsewhere, with the rumor going around between executives that Jeff wasn’t going to help them promote anything, essentially killing their revenue. He would have been done in terms of getting employed by a major site. But Ryan first, and soon after, Vinny and Brad, gave up their jobs to make this fledgling little project go. As much as the ERs brought me in and gave the impression that Jeff and Vinny were the long-standing duo, no, it was Ryan who was Jeff’s partner in crime. And, 8 years later, I can comfortably say... Giant Bomb never recovered from losing him. 

But it was so much more. Everything that set them apart slowly went away,  in time. I don’t think they’ve posted reviews for games in consecutive MONTHS since 2017; 2018 at the latest. They have done one Endurance Run in 9 years. They have not had a meaningful live event in 6 years. Unprofessional Fridays were more formulaic and lesser in volume and frequency after the major players started moving east. The lack of coordination between coasts killed the camaraderie, to the point that I think one of the last 5 true gameplay crossovers was their series of 2016-2017 PUBG shitfests. I remember when Vinny starting GBEast was supposed to be the start of a new era of content, and... it was, but not in a positive way, like it sounded. When half of each side seemed to constantly have no interest in making anything, nothing got made. But I guess that’s what happens when your second in command in one of your headquarters is just a former marketing grunt with an attitude problem, and the guy with the biggest ego on the team is the one who refuses to move to join either side, and just pushes out the most self-important drivel as a header to what were literally just copy-pasted articles from other sites every week while sitting at his desk, dreaming of the days Gawker would pay him to plagiarize political drivel instead, because that’s what really gets the soulless clicks. One of your founding members becomes depressed due to losing his two closest work friends, one for real, one to a 3000 mile separation, within a year, while the other one who is left virtually stopped playing anything but DOTA 2 for 2 years. Suddenly your most prominent personalities are the 2 new guys(one the aforementioned charisma vacuum, the other a walking mark) and your previously-mostly-off-camera producer who is best known to the wider Internet for... blinking. So, yeah, lifeless. And NOW, all you’ve got is old melancholy dad, charisma vacuum dad, and the two ADHD kids whose defining trait is that they choose to exclusively refer to their partners as “my partner” in voices that make it sound like they are embarrassed to have partners, while also talking more about what their partners are doing than what they do.  It’s confounding.

But yeah, TL:DR: RIP zombie Giant Bomb. Glad you’re finally getting taken behind the shed. It took 3 years too long, minimum.

[edogawatranslations]

Danganronpa Kirigiri (3) - Chapter 4, Part 3

Table of Contents | Previous: Chapter 4, Part 2

“Now, we’d like to question you all individually,” the officer announced. “We’ll call you into a separate room one by one to hear your accounts. We ask for your kind cooperation.”

“Are you kidding me? We have to stay here?” the brunette protested. “My skin’s drying out. Are you going to do something about that?”

“You there, in the kimono. We’ll start with you,” the officer said, completely ignoring the brunette.

He led the spectacled woman into a separate room, with other officers trailing behind them. One uniformed policeman remained behind to keep watch over us.

“I didn’t expect things to turn out like this,” the man in the sunglasses said. He seemed like an easy-going person. His voice was calm and polite, and he didn’t look the slightest bit agitated. “But I’m surprised. I didn’t think the two of you were detectives too.”

“...'too'?”

“Yes. It turns out, every single one of us gathered here today is a detective.”

“R-Really? You’re also a detective?”

“Indeed.”

“Why didn’t you tell the officers?”

Was it something he wanted to hide?

“Detectives haven’t had the most cordial relationship with the police. We know from experience that flaunting our job title isn’t always well received. That’s all there is to it.”

“You Ryuuzouji grunts don’t understand,” the man in the Hawaiian shirt jumped in. “A run-of-the-mill detective like me ain’t got the same sorta standing.”

The industry sounded harsh... Once again, I realized just how inexperienced I was. I had no idea what the life of a detective was truly like.

“Well, it’ll come out during questioning, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to identify myself to you. I don’t wish to be on Mr. Ryuuzouji’s bad side.”

The man in the sunglasses pulled out a Detective Library ID from his inner suit pocket.

Salvador Yadorigi Fukurou: DSC Number [752]

“I specialize in art forgery crimes.”

He was even wearing sunglasses in his ID photo. The guidelines must not have been stringent, since it wasn’t an official document like a passport or driver’s license.

“Wow, you’re at Rank 2? I’m stuck at 8,” the brunette whined, leaning over with her legs still on the glass table.

I couldn’t picture someone like her as a detective.

She reached into her cleavage and pulled out an ID card. It was covered with sparkly stickers.

Korisu Kakitsubata: DSC Number [488]

“I handle animal cases. Or I guess more specifically, animal welfare cases?”

The stickers doubled her card’s thickness. I hadn’t heard of any detective who decorated their ID... Could that thing fit into the terminal at the Detective Library?

“My turn,” the guy in the Hawaiian shirt said, flashing his card.

Hajiki Yaki: DSC Number [666]

“Gamblin’s my forte, but I’m not the one makin’ the bets. My job’s to sniff out unlawful gamblers and make ‘em wish they’d never been born.”

“Did you share your identities with each other?”

“Yes,” Yadorigi answered while adjusting his sunglasses. “It came up in our discussion before you two arrived. We determined that identifying ourselves would be wise.”

“Someone musta planned it this way,” Yaki said, using the glass table as a mirror to fix his collar. “We all got the same birthday invitation, but we got sent different requests along with it. I was told this place was an illegal gamblin’ den. Since that’s in my line of work, the bait was meant for me.”

“I was asked to determine the authenticity of the paintings in this mansion,” Yadorigi added with overexaggerated hand gestures. “If that request was fabricated, then the person behind this must be quite familiar with detectives. The birthday invitation was suspicious, but that made us more susceptible to take the bolder lie at face value.”

“My letter said this place was the site of illegal wildlife trade," Kakitsubata added. "I didn’t want to bother coming here, but like, wouldn’t it be sad if that was true? Those poor animals...”

“So all of you took the bait and walked right into a trap.” I summarized.

“No, we didn’t,” Yaki snapped.

“No, she’s right. We should admit as much,” Yadorigi said. “We fell for the criminal’s trap and are now suspects in a murder investigation.”

This situation reminded me of the Sirius Observatory case from last month. The detectives received fake requests and were lured to the scene, and ultimately to their deaths.

But this time, there was only one victim. With the police on the scene, the likelihood of additional murders was low, but we still couldn’t rest easy.

“So? Is it true? Are the two of you really detectives?” Kakitsubata asked.

I showed her my Detective Library ID.

“You look so young, how old are you? Are you in high school? Really? Aren’t your boobs a little big for your age? Wait, you’re not even a homicide specialist, but you get to join the investigation? No fair, I want in on that!”

“Well, these are special circumstances...” It wouldn’t be appropriate to explain everything, so I changed the subject. “Oh, Kyoko over here is even younger than me; she’s in middle school. Isn’t she cute?”

“What’s your specialty?” Yadorigi asked curiously.

“Small talk won’t do us any good,” Kyoko replied curtly. “You all fell for the criminal’s trap and are being suspected of murder.”

“Hmm...” Yadorigi crossed his legs and threw out his arms. “You’re correct. We need to solve this case. It’s not just our honor at stake; we could be falsely charged.”

“Murders ain’t my cup of tea. You solve it.”

“Huh? Murders, like, creep me out!”

While Yaki and Kakitsubata started quibbling, the spectacled woman returned. She gracefully took a seat on the sofa.

“Miss Kakitsubata, the officer asked me to send you in,” she said.

“What, it’s my turn? I’m sleepy. Are the police going to do something if my skin cracks? Wait, isn’t this like getting in trouble at school and getting called to the principal’s office? This is exciting.”

Kakitsubata continued her monologue on the way to the other room.

“We were introducing ourselves to these young detectives,” Yadorigi said calmly.

“Oh, then allow me to do so as well.” The woman covered her mouth with her hand and smiled. “My name is Sara Mizuiyama. Have you been informed of the reason we came here?”

Sara Mizuiyama: DSC Number [527]

“My story is the same as the others. I received a request for advice on remodeling this mansion. My specialty is architecture.”

“Oh, I forgot to ask earlier, but do any of you know anything about the man who was killed?”

“His name was Suntetsu Shirasu, 52 years old,” Yadorigi answered. “We searched through his belongings. The only thing of note was his Detective Library ID. His DSC number was [126], which means he dealt with crimes of religion, specifically those involving oriental cults.”

“I wonder if this case has anything to do with religion,” Mizuiyama said, tilting her head.

“That’s a plausible theory,” Yadorigi replied. “Maybe he was killed because of his line of work.”

“What happened to him before we arrived?” I asked. “He seemed to be taking shelter in that room, but...”

“Taking shelter? That ain’t right.” Yaki reclined onto the sofa and waved his arm left and right. “He up and disappeared... ‘Cause of that, we started wonderin’ if he was the one who invited us here. That’s why we peeked at his things and found his ID. Then we started lookin’ for him and ran into that shut door.”

“I was able to enter the dojo earlier in the afternoon,” Yadorigi explained. “But when I returned later, the door wouldn’t open. Since the door has no keyhole, I surmised that someone was keeping the door shut from the inside. As I wondered who it could be, everyone else joined me, aside from Shirasu.”

Naturally, they concluded Shirasu was holed up inside the room. While they were struggling to open the door, Kyoko and I appeared.

Shortly afterwards, the case occurred.

The moment the victim was stabbed, Yadorigi, Kakitsubata, Yaki, and Mizuiyama were with us on the other side of the door. Logic thus dictated that none of them could be the murderer.

But the locked room presented a mystery—how did the murderer enter and exit the dojo?

“Would you mind recounting in detail everything that happened before we arrived?” Kyoko asked.

“Very well,” Yadorigi answered with exaggerated gestures. “I’ll have to explain everything to the police anyway, so a practice run wouldn’t hurt...”

They arrived at the Takeda Haunted Mansion today (or more precisely, yesterday), January 10th, at around 1 PM.

I had unsealed the Duel Noir envelope an hour earlier, at exactly noon. That meant all of the actors had gathered at the stage within an hour of the curtain rising on the Duel Noir.

It was impossible to lure everyone to the mansion in that short span of time. Did the criminal predict that I would open the envelope at noon on the 10th, and prepare everything in advance?

No, most likely the criminal had sent out the invitations in advance and was waiting for me to unseal the envelope before executing the crime. For better or for worse, that happened to be the same day everyone was to gather here, so the killer quickly set their plan into motion.

After arriving at the mansion, they quickly introduced themselves to one another. At that point, everyone was still wary of the others and hid their true identities as detectives.

They waited a full two hours together, until 3 PM. The host never showed up, causing them to grow suspicious of the situation. Everyone then decided to explore the mansion by themselves. We would need to ask for their accounts individually.

At 9 PM, they started questioning the legitimacy of their investigation request. Someone suggested they all leave. But then, Kakitsubata revealed herself to be a detective. In succession, the rest of them revealed their true reason for visiting the mansion. Except Shirasu—at that point, he had already gone missing.

The others now strongly suspected Shirasu to be the man who invited them all and began searching for him. However, they couldn’t find him.

At 10 PM, Yadorigi noticed something odd about the door leading to the dojo. It wouldn’t budge, no matter how hard he tried pulling.

In the next thirty minutes, Kakitsubata, Yaki, and Mizuiyama appeared. Another thirty minutes passed as they shared their findings.

That was when Kyoko and I showed up.

I knew what happened after that. While we were trying to open the door, a noise came from inside the dojo. We broke into the locked room, turned on the light, and discovered a man lying in the center of the room with a katana in his back.

“Was that noise we heard Shirasu being stabbed and collapsing onto the ground?” I asked.

“I believe so,” Kyoko responded. “When I rushed over to the body, blood was still seeping out from the stab wound.”

“Ain’t it weird that the killer wasn’t in the room?” Yaki asked with his arms crossed.

“The room was pitch black,” Mizuiyama added pensively. “What if the murderer used the darkness to escape through the door we opened?”

“Can’t be. My ass was still on the ground when you all went in and I didn’t see nobody come out. Nowhere for them to hide behind the door either, since it opened outward.”

“I had to feel around for the light switch, but that didn’t even take a minute,” Yadorigi explained. “If the criminal escaped under the veil of darkness, they couldn’t have gone far.”

“But there ain’t nowhere to run to.”

“Kyoko and I checked outside after that, but there weren't any footprints in the snow.”

“Then where did the killer disappear to?” Mizuiyama asked, bringing her pointer finger to her lips and tilting her head.

“Only one answer. Those warriors,” Yaki replied, furrowing his brows.

“The armor was empty. There’s no changing that,” Yadorigi refuted.

I had also inspected the armor. Nobody was hiding inside. And I didn’t find any suspicious device or tool either.

“Not that. You know what I mean...”

“What?”

“A ghost! You really gonna make a grown man like me say it?”

“You think a ghost possessed the armor and stabbed Shirasu with a katana?” Yadorigi asked sternly.

The possibility was nonsensical; it went against logic and science. A man couldn’t be killed by a ghost warrior...

Besides, this was a Duel Noir. Straying into the occult was a waste of time. The killer used some trick to carry out the murder for the sake of revenge—that much was certain.

But the question remained—how?

The room was completely sealed. When the victim was attacked, the suspects were outside. The lack of footprints around the mansion eliminated the possibility of an uninvited guest.

Everything pointed to the murder being an impossible crime.

Next: Chapter 4, Part 4

[rebelmeg]

Let's Get Personal

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?  Recently, it's been "Secret Love Song" by Little Mix, "Poison" by Rita Ora, "What Ifs" by Kane Brown and Lauren Alaina, "U and Ur Hand" by P!nk, "Perfect Matchup" by Kenny and London Holland, and The Greatest Showman soundtrack 2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?  Robert Downey Jr. 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.  “When was the last night or day you took time off?” 4: What do you think about most?  Writing.  A new idea, a current idea, something I need to jot down, something I need to fix, the one I want to read. 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?  I'm fine, unless you want the time. 6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?  Underwear. 7: What’s your strangest talent?  Personalizing or adding to things that probably do not need to be personalized.  (The beige Calvin Klein purse was BORING so I defiled something expensive to make it more “me”.) 8: Finish the sentence.  Girls… are strong; Boys… are allowed to be soft. 9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?  Not that I know of. 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?  I'm not an air guitar person, I have a THING about looking stupid and I’m certain that I can’t pull off looking cool doing air guitar. 11: Do you have any strange phobias?  Nah, just the regular ones. 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?  Don't think so? 13: What’s your religion?  LDS 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?  Walking to my car. 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?  Behind, definitely. 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?  I do hate this question.  I'll go with Queen, it's the first one that popped into my head. 17: What was the last lie you told?  I don't recall. 18: Do you believe in karma?  Eh, sorta 19: What does your URL mean?  I am and have always been a little bit of a rebel. 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?  Weakness, personal motivation and time management.  Strength, creativity. 21: Who is your celebrity crush?  RDJ and Sebastian Stan 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?  Yep. 23: How do you vent your anger?  Stewing about it, venting to other people. 24: Do you have a collection of anything?  Soooo many collections... I collect shot glasses as my travel souvenir. 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?  Phone. 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?  For the most part. 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?  Permanent markers on cardboard boxes give me the heebie-jeebie shivers, the sound of a soda pop tab opening a can makes me swoon with happiness. 28: What’s your biggest “what if”?  I'm not sure.  Maybe what if I'd married someone else (not a desire at all, but something I've wondered about from time to time), my life would be entirely different from what it is now. 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?  No and yes, but not in the traditional sense. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.  The chair next to me on the right, the child that is being clingy on the left. 31: Smell the air. What do you smell?  My house and my perfume. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?  A casino. 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?  I've never been to the East Coast, so I can't really say. 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?  Oh geez, I don't know. 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?  To do your best, be kind, and be happy. 36: Define Art.  Life made viewable. 37: Do you believe in luck?  Not really. 38: What’s the weather like right now?  Rainstorm is heading this way. 39: What time is it?  9:31 am 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?  Yep and yep.  Not a big crash, though, minor one.  Fixed the alignment! 41: What was the last book you read?  Currently reading "Blood Fury" by JR Ward 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?  Don't mind it as long as it's not too strong. 43: Do you have any nicknames?  A fair slew.  Meg, Megs, Rebel, Mom, Mama, and then standard endearments. 44: What was the last film you saw?  Geostorm, I think. 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?  Not sure if this counts as an injury, but I ended up in the hospital with a miscarriage that required surgery.  If that doesn't count, I broke my foot falling out of a tree. 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?  Yep!  I found one on the grass once during recess as a kid when it was raining, it was close to getting crushed by the other kids playing ball. I held it cupped in my hands so I could show my teacher, its wings dried while I held it, and it flew away while we all watched. 47: Do you have any obsessions right now?  Fandom ones, heck yeah. 48: What’s your sexual orientation?  Straight. 49: Ever had a rumor spread about you?  Probably. 50: Do you believe in magic?  Everyday magic, yes. 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?  Yeah. 52: What is your astrological sign?  Libra 53: Do you save money or spend it?  I spend like it's burning a hole in my pocket. 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?  Lunch last week. 55: Love or lust?  Love 56: In a relationship?  Yes 57: How many relationships have you had?  Just one serious one. 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?  Not quite. 59: Where were you yesterday?  Home. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?  My elbow is resting on a pair of my daughter's pink underwear. 61: Are you wearing socks right now?  Yep, I love socks. 62: What’s your favorite animal?  Bears, penguins, peacocks, owls, dogs. 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?  Being kind and friendly. 64: Where is your best friend?  Teaching school. 65: Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.  Oh geez, I can't narrow it down to just five! 66: What is your heritage? Mostly British, good mix of other UK and European ancestors, I’m a 2nd generation American. 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?  Watching Gilmore Girls and folding laundry. 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?  Don't think he has one. 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?  Of course. 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?  I hope so. 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?  Save the dog quickly. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?  Yes, everyone. b) What do you do with your remaining days? Be as happy as possible and spend as much time with the people I love as possible.  c) Would you be afraid?  Heck yes. 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.  A huge part of love IS trust, so love. 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?  Goody Goody by Julie Lavery, it's an upbeat, bouncy song.  (Which is funny, because the lyrics tell a sad story) 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?  Nope, I use it as a passcode for stuff sometimes. 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?  Humor, taking care of each other. 77: How can I win your heart?  Interact with me. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?  Yep. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?  To start writing again. 80: What size shoes do you wear?  7 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?  *shrugs* Something nice. 82: What is your favorite word?  Popcorn.  I love the sound and the visual appearance of the way the letters are arranged. 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.  Love, courage, strength. 84: What is a saying you say a lot?  "Best thing ever!" 85: What’s the last song you listened to?  "Hey Soul Sister" by Train 86: Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?  Purple! 87: What is your current desktop picture?  Shamrocks 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?  I don't know enough to be able to make that decision.  Also, too many corrupt world leaders to narrow it down, I think. 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?  I can think of many. 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?  "I am too tired for this nonsense, either sit down and chill or go downstairs and wait until morning." 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?  Time manipulation without accelerated aging.  I just want to be able to nap whenever I want and have time to catch up on my Netflix list... 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?  The first time my hubby and I held hands when we were dating.  It was perfect and absolutely adorable. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?  Ugh, I'm not sure, there are two that immediately spring to mind that were pretty awful. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?  I have no idea. 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?  Europe.  Anywhere in Europe, but particularly the UK. 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?  I don't think so? 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?  I'm sure I did when I was a kid, but not that I can remember. 98: Ever been on a plane?  Finally went on one for the first time a couple years ago! 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?  Be kind.

[minishgunslinger]

Lets get personal

l

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Come a little bit closer, Man Up, Fly me to the moon, Dustland Fairytale, Goodnight travel well, My way.

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

My Soul mate. 

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

Han had suggested more than once, that anyone who talked to her stomach was more than nuts.

4: What do you think about most?

What the hell am I doing with my life?

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

I’ll get online and play Splatoon with you. 

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Without 

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I can play the Trombone 

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are pretty cool. 

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

No...

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

3 years and 16 days ago...

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

I don’t like my hands to be sticky....

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Yeah when I was a kid I put legos up there. 

13: What’s your religion?

I don’t believe in any kind of religion.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking Roland on a nice spring day

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

In front of it. 

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

The Killers 

17: What was the last lie you told?

I’m good. 

18: Do you believe in karma?

I don’t know, I think things just happen....

19: What does your URL mean?

I’m weird? 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Greatest weakness? I wear my heart on my sleeve. My greatest strength? I care a lot about other people.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

The girl who voices Mabel from Gravity Falls. <3

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

No. I’m not a good swimmer. 

23: How do you vent your anger?

Go home and workout. 

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Doggy toys for Roland.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video Chat. That way you can see all the little quirks of the person you’re chatting with. 

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

No. I feel like I’ve dropped the ball and dropped it hard. Not exactly the person I dreamed of becoming.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate alarm clocks :/ but I love the sound of fans spinning. 

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I hadn’t ruined everything I’ve been serious with. 

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Yes to both. 

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Roland, and Roland. 

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Me?

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

The Camelot Inn in Jasper Indiana. Lived there for 6 months. 

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast. 

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Lana Del Rey 

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

The achieve a state of happiness for more than one day. 

36: Define Art.

Anything that you can get lost in for a while. 

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yeah, and I have admittedly bad luck. 

38: What’s the weather like right now?

rainy and murky

39: What time is it?

3:17 am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

No.

41: What was the last book you read?

The Shape of Water. 

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yep, reminds me of walking to the gas station with my best friend when I was younger. 

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Minish, Dr. Ragsdale, Curly haired guy who works at Walmart. 

44: What was the last film you saw?

Solo

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I broke my ankle when I was in 8th grade. It kinda hasn’t been the same since. 

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

No, I’d be too worried that I would kill it :(

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Marvel Comics :O

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m attracted to girls, but don’t have a problem admitting when a guy looks good. 

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Yeah, plenty :(

50: Do you believe in magic?

Yeah, even though I have never had any of it successfully work. 

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Unfortunately yes. Even if what they did isn’t necessarily wrong....I’m learning to just forget and forgive....

52: What is your astrological sign?

Taurus.

53: Do you save money or spend it?

Here lately I’ve been saving it...

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Solo movie ticket

55: Love or lust?

Love...but all I can do is lust.

56: In a relationship?

Single

57: How many relationships have you had?

2 serious ones and a few non serious ones. 

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No.

59: Where were you yesterday?

Walmart Vision Center. 

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

No.

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Actually I am not. 

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Ocelot. 

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I don’t know, I wish I did though :O

64: Where is your best friend?

Arkansas....

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

Ashleytheliferuiner

Theslayingslitherinqueen

Pennydread(I think That’s Ariel’s)

Catnoodles

Mintoath

66: What is your heritage?

I don’t know...but I know we aren’t very successful. 

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Being stupid :/

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Ragsdale?

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

Well yeah....but who hasn’t? 

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Honestly no. I have a bad habit of putting my problems onto others and I’m kinda needy. 

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Get fired. Duh. Who is gonna let a doggo die?

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I would only tell a few folks...basically if I’m currently talking to you now I would let you know. I wouldn’t be afraid, just worried about who would look after Roland. Spend my last days with Roland making sure he is the happiest pupp alive. 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love :/ I’m such a hopeless romantic. 

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Tribute.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

1659

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Friendship makes a great relationship. It’s the foundation of any loving relationship. If you can’t be friends, then I don’t know how you can be lovers. 

77: How can I win your heart?

Honestly at this point...just be a shoulder I can lean on. 

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Yeah...I guess...

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Getting a job in Optical. I absolutely love fitting glasses. 

80: What size shoes do you wear?

11 and a half 

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

He really liked Orange Juice. 

82: What is your favourite word?

Rambunctious 

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

fragile 

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

What can ya do?

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Wham bam Sham a long 

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

GREEN :D 

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A village in Japan. 

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Myself. 

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Who are you in love with? 

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Go back to sleep. I do enjoy company from time to time...

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

To not be super tired anymore :D

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

My 21st Birthday, My dad took me to Applebees and bought me some awesome ribs and a shot of whiskey. 

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

These past 6 months. 

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Lana Del Rey. 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Washington State!

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Maybe? I don’t hear from my family often....

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yeah :/ It when I had asthma working around chemicals. The Doctor told me not to eat....and I ate....and it came back out. 

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yeah, it’s rad. 

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Love eachother, be kind and tell that guy or gal that you love em. It’ll make your day, make their day. Too many loves are lost and never told. 

[doctormelapples]

I want every personal

Sorry this took so long

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

erm, idk but I can list some of my favs? how about “Mr. Know-It-All” by Young The Giant, “Brain Stew” by Green Day, “Swimming Pool” by The Front Bottoms, “Tokyo Narita (Freestyle)” by Halsey and Lido, “Big Jet Plane” by Angus & Julia Stone, and “Doo Wop (That Thing)” by Lauryn Hill

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Do they have to be alive?? How about Beyonce Twin #2

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

I’m sitting right next to a bookshelf wtf. Okay the first book only had a line 12, Book 2: “…glittering sceptres. These shones so brightly September had to shade her..”

4: What do you think about most?

I see photo opprotunities when I walk? like if I’m walking past a house I see the exact angle that I would take a picture of it with and what the frame and coloring would turn out to be? does that count?

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Text or sc?? cuz idk on either tbh sc:goals text:theenks

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Clothes

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I have none, so like,,

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are beautiful, Boys are beautiful, and so is everyone else

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

lol no

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

like yesterday probs

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Strange? idk

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

When I was a child,,, marble

13: What’s your religion?

who’s that

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

being sad or taking pictures

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind absolutely

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

jesus christ

17: What was the last lie you told?

I have a headache

18: Do you believe in karma?

sort of, like maybe not the textbook definition but I do think that you get what you give to some extent

19: What does your URL mean?

listen,,, okay Doctor is because i like doctor who and melapples is a dan and phil reference, okay, i made it when i joined tumblr, I was young and unknowing, okay

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

weakness: I’m too emotionally soft; strength: whom’st’d’ve

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Does phil count, phil counts? It’s Phil

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

almost

23: How do you vent your anger?

ahah, to the world and through tears tbh

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I used to collect izze + snapple tops, then got bored

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting, I like seeing facial expressions

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

whom?

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

It took me FOREVER to think of a sound I hate, and like i had sounds i love when my fingers hit the keys. sound I hate: Fork schreeching on a plate; sound I love: laughs, soft sounds of fingers on skin, leaves crunching as you wak in autumn, or snow in the winter, wind, papers fluttering

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I had stayed at my old school

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

well not really, but aliens absolutely, like, there is no way the universe is so fucking big, and there isn’t life outside of earth

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

My window frame; a notebook

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

somebody is making pasta downstairs

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

what kind of worst? cuz like I believe that no matter where you go you can always get something out of it. Let’s go with my racist ass school

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

EAST

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

idk harry styles?

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

42?

how about: to know, be, see, and do what you want

36: Define Art.

Life

37: Do you believe in luck?

kinda like the same way I belive in karma

38: What’s the weather like right now?

It’s been rainy all day and we just had a rainbow. It’s cleared up now

39: What time is it?

1:23:09 AM

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

no

41: What was the last book you read?

A graphic novel called March about John Lewis

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

yeah actually

43: Do you have any nicknames?

lila bean

44: What was the last film you saw?

Wonder Woman pretty sure

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

all of the skin on my leg was scraped off once so

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

I’ve had a beautiful butterfly land on me during a meditation session once

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

strawberry milkshakes

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m pan bro

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

yes rip how fun

50: Do you believe in magic?

in my hopes and dreams

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

no, I’m really bad at holding longterm grudges but you better fucking run for at least two weeks if u piss me off

52: What is your astrological sign?

scoooorrrrrppppiiiiooooo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i save money highkey short term and mass spend it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

A swimsuit. oh shit no wait strawberry syrup for milkshakes

55: Love or lust?

lust

56: In a relationship?

damn i wish

57: How many relationships have you had?

3

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nope

59: Where were you yesterday?

crying in bed all day tbh

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

my comforter that I’m sitting on lowkey has pink flowers on it

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

listen,,, fuck socks okay no

62: What’s your favourite animal?

cats homie

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

laugh at their jokes + be a pleasant person

64: Where is your best friend?

idk probably sleeping somewhere tbh

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

i don’t pay enough attention soz

66: What is your heritage?

like,,? My dad is from finland probably but otherwise i have no idea, all my family tree has is slavery so

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

fuck dude crying

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

smith

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

hell yes

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

idk i hope so

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

i like can’t really swim that well so like probably get the attention of someone who can and get the dog saved then go to work. but fuck that job tho

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

nah bro, i would try and accomplish everything i wanted, travel, be happy with family, and make friends happy, not afraid

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

bills by lunchmoney lewis

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

or not?

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust, communication, known goals

77: How can I win your heart?

idk bro its pretty easy out here a-fucking-pparently

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yeah for sure

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Join theatre

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9.5 or 10

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

rip in pieces

82: What is your favourite word?

antidisestablishmentarianism

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the image of the organ tbh

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

lit, tbh, rip, wild

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

star by brockhampton

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

pink rn, it was just green, i fluctuate

87: What is your current desktop picture?

a picture i took of a car mirror in a violet sunset

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

trump probs but only if he is right next to pence that bitch will not be president

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

why are you sad

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

FUCKING RUN DUDE CLIMB OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW FUCK THAT SHIT NO GET OUTTA MY FACE FUCK

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

elements my dude. if I had to pick which one it would be wind probs

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

The half-hour where I thought I fell in love with someone before they broke up w me a week later

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

no

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

RIHANNA

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Prague 

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

probably, but not that i know of

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

omg yes don’t remind me

98: Ever been on a plane?

yups a few times

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

damn y y’all listening to me?

probs something like “jesus christ just shut up and listen to each other speak without jumping to fucking conclusions and preconceived notions of what other people are like kay?”

[tattoosandgirls]

1-99 :)

Okay whoever you are, you suck1)Sexuality? Gay
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Ashlyn Harris
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. 
4) What do you think about most? Her
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say? Radio Babe 😏
6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Bit of both 
7) What’s your strangest talent? Being a GK I can now bend the tips of my fingers upwards 
8) Girls…. (Are pretty damn good); Boys…. (Eh)
9) Ever had a poem or song written about you? Lol no 
10) When is the last time you played the air guitar? Idk, as a kid? 
11) Do you have any strange phobias? Plentttyyyyyy
12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Probably as a kid I guess
13) What’s your religion? Don't have one 
14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Playing rugby/soccer or painting 
15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? I love photography so behind!
16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Neon jungle, but they broke up so probably Fifth Harmony now
17) What was the last lie you told? "I'm fine"
18) Do you believe in karma? Absolutely 
19) What does your URL mean? I like tattoos and I like girls, so 🤷🏼‍♀️
20) What is your greatest weakness; uh, too many emotions? your greatest strength? Turning them off
21) Who is your celebrity crush? Tobin Heath or Ashlyn Harris
22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Nah
23) How do you vent your anger? Not very well
24) Do you have a collection of anything? Foreign coins
25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Anything is good because I like hearing a persons voice 🤷🏼‍♀️
26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become? Mostly 
27) What’s a sound you hate; ringing in your ears. sound you love? Waves
28) What’s your biggest “what if”? What if I didn't find a way to cope 
29) Do you believe in ghosts? Partially. How about aliens? Sure, there's plenty we've yet to discover 
30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Cup. Do the same with your left arm. Paints 31) Smell the air. What do you smell? Paint
32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to? Funeral planners 
33) Choose East Coast or West Coast? East
34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Idk 
35) To you, what is the meaning of life? If you wake up happy you're doing it right 
36) Define Art. Something that makes you feel emotions
37) Do you believe in luck? Kinda 
38) What’s the weather like right now? Hot, 37 degrees 
39) What time is it? 14:07 
40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I do, no 
41) What was the last book you read? What does the earth sound like
42) Do you like the smell of gasoline? It gives me a headache 
43) Do you have any nicknames? Plenty 
44) What was the last movie you saw? Passengers 45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I tore 3 ligaments and snapped 1 in one go playing futsal 
46) Have you ever caught a butterfly? Yeah!
47) Do you have any obsessions right now? Plenty!
48) What’s your sexual orientation? Girls 🤷🏼‍♀️
49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
 Yeah50) Do you believe in magic? Sorta
51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Maybe a little
52) What is your astrological sign? Sagittarius 
53) Do you save money or spend it? Bit of both 
54) What’s the last thing you purchased? Bean bag!
55) Love or lust? Love 
56) In a relationship? No
57) How many relationships have you had? 2
58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No
59) Where were you yesterday? Home and in town 
60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Just a jersey 
61) Are you wearing socks right now? Nope 
62) What’s your favorite animal? Horse or wolf/dog
63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? lol make them laugh 
64) Where is your best friend? At home I assume 
65) Spit or swallow?(; 🤷🏼‍♀️
66) What is your heritage? Maori 
67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Texting 
68) What do you think is Satan’s last name? Mine 
69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Is water wet? 
70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? I hope so 
71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? The dog!!!!! 
72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? No. b) What do you do with your remaining days? Literally whatever I can with what I have. c) Would you be afraid? A little 
73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love. Trust because you can't live without it
74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Squeeze by Fifth Harmony 
75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 5769
76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Trust and having the mentality where both people plan on staying even when things are a little difficult 
77) How can I win your heart? Mmm, if you're funny you've got a big head start 
78) Can insanity bring on more creativity? Sometimes yeah 
79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Painting 
80) What size shoes do you wear?
 Men's 11 81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? See ya soon ;) 
82) What is your favorite word? Puppy!
83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Blood
84) What is a saying you say a lot? "What is meant to be will find a way"
85) What’s the last song you listened to? Gravel to Tempo 
86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors? Ocean blues 
87) What is your current desktop picture? A photo i took of the beach 
88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? D. Trump 
89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? "Why do you do it?"
90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? Roll under it 
91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Not having to sleep?
92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? The presentation of 2016 school futsal 
93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? End of a relationship 
94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Lauren Jauregui? 
95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? To her
96) Do you have any relatives in jail? One I think? 
97) Have you ever thrown up in the car? Nah
98) Ever been on a plane? Yep
99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? Learn to love each other

[i-smile-so-i-must-be-fine]

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? i don’t have a specific amount of songs i listen to more than others they’re usually on shuffle 

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? either Demi Lovato or Margot Robbie

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. don’t have a book close to where i’m sat

4: What do you think about most? my girl.. but it also varies on my mood 

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? was a personal text so not saying 

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? i sleep in a t-shirt and underwear 

7: What’s your strangest talent? don’t consider it a talent but i have very flexible fingers 

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? no

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? can’t even remember 

11: Do you have any strange phobias? no 

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? i used to stick stones up my nose so they would bleed so i could get out of class as they made my nose bleed 

13: What’s your religion? atheist 

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? either going get buses and trains to see my girl.. walking the dog.. going to the shop.. or smoking 

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? don’t really have a favourite 

17: What was the last lie you told? “i’m fine” is the main one i use 

18: Do you believe in karma? sometimes 

19: What does your URL mean? that people believe a smile and thinks your fine 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? weakness - not been able to say no to my girl  strength - loyal  

21: Who is your celebrity crush? Demi Lovato and Margot Robbie 

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? no 

23: How do you vent your anger? i get snappy.. and then take it out on my self when i’m alone 

24: Do you have a collection of anything? key rings 

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? depends who its to 

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? meh i’m not happy with my self in general 

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? i hate the sound of people biting their nails  love - dunno theirs quite a few things 

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if that one thing didn’t happen 

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? ghosts yea.. aliens i’m not really sure about 

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. right arm - my phone and ipod  left arm - can of coke, lamp, tv remotes, my pills, a snow globe, my ipad 

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? my air freshener 

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? dunno tbh 

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? west 

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Braiden Barrie 

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? not quote figured it out 

36: Define Art. art is whatever your feeling and it can be interperated in many different ways 

37: Do you believe in luck? kinda ish 

38: What’s the weather like right now? sunny 

39: What time is it? 7pm 

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no currently not able to.. but when i was able to do driving lessons i tried to crash into a tree and also drove over a roundabout 

41: What was the last book you read? the last one i actually completed was rose and rosie oversharing.. can’t remember the title of the book that i’ve read a bit of but don’t currently have the concentration to finish 

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? yea 

43: Do you have any nicknames? a few 

44: What was the last film you saw? annabelle comes home 

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? broken shoulder (got hit by a car).. and i’ve also torn all the ligaments in my ankle.. i still get the pain from the both to this day since i didn’t follow doctors order and let them heal properly 

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no i hate them 

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? not that i can think of 

48: What’s your sexual orientation? lesbian 

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? story of my entire school life 

50: Do you believe in magic? kinda 

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? yea 

52: What is your astrological sign? virgo 

53: Do you save money or spend it? both 

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? a pack of cigarettes 

55: Love or lust? love 

56: In a relationship? absolutely 

57: How many relationships have you had? a few

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no 

59: Where were you yesterday? took my child to the park 

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? theres a perfume box thats pink a few steps away from me 

61: Are you wearing socks right now? yea 

62: What’s your favourite animal? tiger 

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? i have no idea.. but i’m lucky i’ve found the person that does 

64: Where is your best friend? my girl is my best friend so she’s currently in hospital 

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

66: What is your heritage? not really sure 

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? on facetime 

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? no idea 

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? maybe 

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? maybe 

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? save the dog.. and explain to the boss what happened and hope i wouldn’t get fired 

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? A - i’m not really sure if i would tell anyone as i wouldn’t want to try save me  B - spend it with the people i love the most  C - i’d be afraid of leaving my kid behind (5 year old) and also my girl 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. there is no love without trust 

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Stitches - shawn mendes  lucky to know you - Braiden Barrie 

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 5808

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? trust, loyalty, communication, commitment, respect, be able to have serious conversations and be able to joke around with them 

77: How can I win your heart? already taken so you can’t 

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? to an extent 

79: What is the best decision you have made in your life so far? keeping my child - despite how much i hate his sperm donor  getting with my girl 

80: What size shoes do you wear? depends on the brand  adidas - 6 (even though i’ve just had to re order some in a bigger size) Nike - 7  Vans - 6  Converse - 6  and i have superdry boots but not sure on the size 

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? finally fucking dead 

82: What is your favourite word? don’t have one 

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. beats 

84: What is a saying you say a lot? don’t really have one 

85: What’s the last song you listened to? celine dion - dance with my father 

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? red, blue, black 

87: What is your current desktop picture? the quote “love is louder than the pressure to be perfect” 

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? if i could do it to three people then.. my kids sperm donor, his cunt of a wife, and my girls ex 

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? i hate telling people how i’m really feeling 

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? let them do what they gonna do 

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? invisibility 

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? difficult to choose between 2.. so the first one would be making sure my ex wasn’t in theatre whilst having a c-section and having my mum with me  and the second one meeting my girl for the first time and not been scared to ask her out in person or kiss her bye 

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? what my ex did 

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Demi Lovato 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Greece

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? not that i’m aware of 

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? yea 

98: Ever been on a plane? a few times 

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? sort your shit out 

[meandmymentalhealth67220]

The unfortunate inability to relax at times

I haven’t written anything for about two weeks, now, and I’ve generally been kidding myself that this is because of being busy with work and various health issues. I have been applying for jobs, and being interviewed and doing demo’ lessons, sure, and I have been dealing with health issues, too. However, the truth is that a setback caused by the Home Office and the Egyptian government being generally incompetent has resulted in my confidence having taken a bit of a knock after a period of time slowly building it back up. 

What this has led to is a common problem for me which tends to arise when there is a period of instability or worry in my life: first, I become anxious; next, because of the anxiousness, quite often I will have a few drinks in an attempt to calm me down as the alcohol tends to restrict my ability to think clearly, and therefore stops the anxieties being specific, if I drink to excess; finally, I wake up the next morning with a hangover, but still unable to think clearly and, therefore, the anxiety is a bit easier to handle and dismiss as it is a vague thing. 

However, I have now hit a snag in this entire system. Namely, I just cannot bring myself to continue drinking to excess like I used to. In previous years, I would drink so much that I found walking around my apartment hard to do. But this, along with the sedatives I was prescribed, managed to keep any anxiety under control. I also didn’t socialise much, which meant that many of my anxieties were solely about me and what was happening with me and the things that I was doing, which meant that losing control was less likely an issue because almost all the things going on with me were under my control. 

When it comes to anxiety, control is a very important issue. Not having any control over a situation leads to a constant state of worry and causes paranoia to often sink into a ridiculous tailspin. It grows worse when the people around you feed your paranoia or negative emotions. I have had friends think they are helping me by reinforcing outlandish, unrealistic beliefs, or standing by me rather than telling me that what I was thinking was deranged. Eventually, I would come around and realise what a problem it was, often weeks or months after being removed from a situation, because hindsight is 20/20 and being removed from a situation can often alleviate the symptoms caused by that situation, even if it never fixes the problem of the situation itself.  

So, at this point, I now have a bit of an unusual situation - I am surrounded by awesome friends, both online and in real-life, but am slightly anxious about that due to being out of practice and having had many of my more recent friendships blow up in my face due to the situation we were in; I am also anxious about work, partly because of having just got a new job that I haven’t started yet, and partly because other work I had set up has been seriously harmed by problems with getting a criminal records check back in Egypt; finally, I am also anxious about a number of interpersonal relationships and eager to get some more space in my life as, unfortunately, there are some people who don’t have my best interests at heart and are clearly far more unhealthy than me, but completely uninterested in resolving their own stuff. 

At this point, normally, I would be getting smashed tonight to deal with the tension and the building ball of bad static and white noise building up inside my chest, with an ongoing electric hiss and fizz that runs its way bubbling through my shoulders and arms and knits itself into a tight bezoar deep within my stomach. In the past this has typically been beer, or whatever was to hand, in a place where nobody could bother me (apartment or pub). But I cannot do that now. 

There are multiple reasons for this:

(1) Admitting my gender identity and sexuality to myself took away a great desire to constantly escape, but it also made me away that I now had some health issues relating to drink that caused issues with regards to both of these things. 

(2) I suffered a trapped nerve in my shoulder last year which, due to Egypt’s rather insane laws on painkilling medication, meant that the only muscle relaxant and painkiller that worked effectively was alcohol. A long story short: aversion therapy causes scars of its own, and having to force myself to drink to numb the pain was disgusting. 

(3) The fun that I once had having many drinks and watching films was only something that worked so long as there were decent things to watch and my attention span was alright. Now, there is nothing decent to watch on television and most films aren’t that good right now, and my attention span is shot due to my anxiety being worse than it has ever been before. 

(4) That I want to lose weight and be the best version of myself, two things that aren’t helped by a beer belly, jaundice and interacting with people when drunk. 

So, I stopped drinking huge amounts. I now try to exercise every weekday and drink at least two litres of water a day. I’m trying to diet more (this isn’t going hugely well), and get out of the house once a day, at least. I’m trying to read more, spend less time gaming, and build my attention span up a bit more. I’m spending more time working and preparing for interviews... 

Or, I was. And, then, suddenly I will stop for several days for seemingly no reason and be unable to do even the basics of what I was doing previously. It is like a little bulb is inside me, and rather than dimming a little and then coming back on, instead it suddenly goes off completely, and then comes back on, quite dim, and builds back up, and then... blackout again. 

At this moment in time, this seems to be a pattern I’m stuck in. Not a loop of thoughts, but a pattern of behaviour that reminds me of something my friend Alicia called ‘spoons’: a unit of effort, with the amount of effort you have to do things being a finite resource, which needs periods of rest in between doing things. Say you have five spoons, and each spoon represents a task: you can empty the dishwasher, hoover, pick up the kids, take the dog for a walk, and make tea. After that point, everything becomes overwhelmingly difficult. 

This is the best way I can describe what I am going through with everything: I have spoons enough to cope with a few basic things, or even leisure activities, on the days when I am off, but once those spoons are used up, I just sit an watch video games being reviewed on Youtube until it is time for bed. 

Yesterday I read a book and entertained a friend, and by the time my sister came home I was largely out of spoons. Today, I went to the bank and did some shopping and now I have nary a spoon left. 

Now, when I’m working, this still seems to work the same, but I seem to be able to push through the pain of later in the day, largely because being slightly anxious or even wholly anxious tends to be something teaching requires of people, and is why so many good people end up drained shells of their former selves after a few years at the chalkface. It works well for the job, but works badly for students, teachers and anyone coming into contact with either. 

But when I get home I have to exercise to burn off the anxiety, the stress chemicals in my brain. One problem: this is not always possible. Sometimes I would need to do some planning, some marking, or deal with colleagues who sent me endless messages about their own stressy days and I put their need to moan above my own health and wellbeing. Should something get in the way, within an hour of finishing I would be unable to do anything for the rest of the night - the spoons would be gone, worn down by the stress chemicals, and without the necessary exercise needed to build me enough so that I could even play computer games or concentrate on a film. 

I’m now 36, and I cannot get past six o’clock in the evening, in the average day, without running out of spoons, without the stress chemicals that I have conditioned my body to need, ruining my ability to relax and unwind. 

So.

I’m going to try and read a book this evening, unless we end up going out somewhere. I also would like to go to bed about midnight, or maybe even earlier, so that I can sleep without being disturbed by people who don’t seem to care that my spoon count goes down with less sleep, rather than up simply by being awake more, as they seem to assume. Then, tomorrow, I am going to organise some documents and scan them in for my new job, and email everything across, and hope that the spoons don’t run out by then because if they do, I can continue, but it hurts me mentally and physically when this happens. 

[intellectualth0t]

January 14, 2017

Well this has been an excruciatingly busy week to say the least

In the span of 7 days, I got my driver’s license, got accepted into my top-choice college, and got my wisdom teeth removed. In between those 3 major events, I had to take part in a lot of school/dance team related functions, such as weekly practice and our school principal’s retirement ceremony. Oh, did I mention that it’s mid-terms week too? (for some incredibly strange reason, our school district makes us take mid terms 2 weeks after coming back from winter break)

Tuesday I arrived home to the dinner table already set (I’m not sure why my dad likes having dinner as early as 4:30). Next to my plate of spaghetti was my dad’s open laptop, which I didn’t think much of since he usually brings his laptop everywhere, including the dinner table. I took a glance at the screen where I noticed an opened email adorned with the Texas Tech logo.

Congratulations! You’re going to be a Red Raider! It read in bold white font above the body of the letter, opening with “Dear Mariah,”

I was shocked beyond words. I was too shocked to even believe it for a second. Knowing my dad with his incredibly clever, quirky, and sometimes cruel sense of practical-humor, I thought this was a joke. So I laughed.

“This isn’t real!” I slyly looked at my dad

“Yes it is”

“No, you just screenshot a general acceptance letter and photoshopped my name into it. This isn’t real.”

“That’s extremely cruel and I would never joke around like that.” His words of assurance still didn’t bring me out of my shock and denial. He proceeded to embrace me happily while I still stood emotionless.

There was no way this was possible. I’m not super smart. I’m just an A-B student. I’m not prestigiously involved in academics. Its senior year and I still cry over how difficult and stressful math is. Hell, I barely scored a 17 in the math section of my ACT.

Besides, Texas Tech was my top choice school. For as long as I remember, I’ve rarely gotten my first choice when it came to anything. I’ve always been forced to settle with the back-up options. So the fact that for once I actually get my way is just…. wow.

That was four days ago. I think I’m slowly getting over the shock. I think I’m learning to accept that maybe for once, I truly did deserve something I wanted and worked so hard for.

As I said, the rest of my week was jam-packed busy. Somewhere within the endless hours of dance team practice I’ve had this week alone (might I share an accomplishment- we finished our competition pom routine! Wooo!!!), I came to a realization of something.

Yes, practice is exhausting and long and time consuming. Often times, I’d rather be at home sleeping or lurking around social media instead of at practice. But I take part in practice for a reason- it only helps me, and the rest of my team. There is absolutely no no NO way improvement & progress will occur if I stay at home as opposed to the studio. Dance practice is exhausting and long and time consuming but before I complain, I just remind myself that it’s nothing more than time out of my day dedicated to doing something I love so much.

If you take part in something requiring performance, and you can’t see the good in the occasional bad that it sometimes comes with then unfortunately- I hate to put this so bluntly- but whatever “it” is, it probably just isn’t for you.

 College aside, dance aside

 I finally got my wisdom teeth removed yesterday after months of them bothering & irritating me. I feel as if everyone who needs this procedure done dreads it but strangely, I looked forward to it a lot. From a very young age, I’d always been scared of hospitals, blood, guts, intricate surgery, etc. (I pay a lot of thanks to Grey’s Anatomy for helping me overcome this fear). Much to my surprise, I had absolutely zero anxiety about this whole situation. Walking into the doctor’s office yesterday didn’t faze me, neither did taking a seat in the chair with a tray or metal instruments strewn out in front of me.

They placed that nose-cup thing over me and I began breathing the heavy air that rushed through the tubes. It was surreal. I felt like I was in a sci-fi movie having some strange experiment done on me. Moments after the doctor announced he was turning on the nitrous oxide, I began to feel it.

Boy did I feel it.

The air I breathed through the tube felt… different. I honestly can’t find a word to describe how much it differed from normal oxygen. But I knew I was inhaling something else. My fingers went cold, then my toes, and before I knew it, I had a desire to remain completely still. Everything in the room slowed down. The lights above me started moving in a zig-zag pattern. The noise from the machine behind me got louder and louder. The sound of the doctor and nurse talking got further and further away. I felt as if my body was slowly disappearing. But the weird thing- I was still completely conscious. I knew what was going on. I knew sleepy-drugs I inhaled were taking over me and shutting me down. I knew I was aware enough to remember and recall this moment later, as I’m doing exactly right now. I knew I was slowly losing focus and drifting off, which I eventually did.

What felt like only five minutes later, the blackness surrounding me progressively got brighter until I realized I was looking at the same wall I had been looking at when I first sat in the chair. I was awake. I couldn’t feel anything in my mouth, it felt as if nothing had even been done to me.

I definitely recall the loopiness I experienced as my dad drove me home. I was extremely talkative, although I don’t even recall what I was talking about (fortunately, there is video evidence. Also fortunately, I DID NOT unconsciously blabber something embarrassing or inappropriate in front of my dad, as this was my biggest fear waking up from anesthesia).

Ever since arriving home yesterday, I’ve left my bed maybe twice at the most. I’ve eaten countless jellos and pudding cups. In all honesty, I’m not as miserable as I expected to be. I woke up this morning with all the numbness gone, and now I can actually feel the sight of my stitches (4/10 on a pain scale). I still have no urge to get up and take part in any physical activity, as I’m not advised to do anyways. Plus, this is a three-day weekend, so I have an ample amount of time to recover before dragging myself back to school. In the meantime, I find this to be a perfect time to catch up on this blog I’ve temporarily abandoned in place of my countless activities this week.

-mariah