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peace-coast-island · 3 years

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Diary of a Junebug

A visit to Coral Beach

What a fun time at the beach! Coral Beach is such a lovely place - from the clear blue waters and colorful mosaics scattered throughout the boardwalk, it's one of those places ideal for vacationing based on appearance alone. No photoshopping necessary when it comes to taking pictures here!

I'm surprised that I haven't visited the beach sooner since it's about an hour away from the camp. In fact, there's still so many places nearby that I haven't been to yet. The trip was kinda a spur of the moment kind of thing Pancetti, Audie, Snooty, Lyman, and I planned at the last minute. By chance I ran into an old friend who's vacationing there too and now she's coming back with us.

So we spent a couple days at Coral Beach exploring the sights and enjoying the resort and then tomorrow we're heading back to the camp. Of course, I also spent the time catching up with Desi, who's been enjoying the seaside scenery.

Desi Rivera's an aspiring singer-songwriter who hopes to make it big one day. Right now though, she's jumping off the ladder and starting from scratch. It's a risky move, but I think it's a necessary one. Given her talent and ambition, I know that Desi will come out stronger than ever.

I met Desi at summer camp years ago. Even though we only spent one summer together, we kept in touch for a while after that. The summer camp thing was something our parents made us do and to be honest it wasn't really our thing so they didn't push us when we told them that there wasn't going to be a next summer. The experience wasn't terrible - I did make a friend after all - but summer camp and I just didn't click at all. Now that I think about it, it's kinda interesting that as an adult I'm running a camp right now - though this and summer camp are totally different.

Since Desi lived in the town nearby we often ran into each other. As we got older contact became sporadic but we occasionally said hi to each other when our paths crossed. Then as adults we regained contact on social media and have been keeping up with each other since then. Desi often posts covers and original songs, which is how she got her online following. She could've easily made it big if it weren't for certain people.

Desi's journey as a singer-songwriter is sure to become an interesting one. Ever since she could talk, Desi knew she wanted to be a singer. She always had a nice voice, one that became more refined as she got older. Talented songwriter too, with an honest and poetic way with words. And it's a damn shame that her talent has been consistently overshadowed and sidelined for white mediocrity.

Yup, I said it - mediocrity. No disrespect to Meghan Tyler and Too Cool - I mean I can see their commercial appeal, but for the most part, their music is bland and forgettable. Music tastes aside, it is pretty impressive that Desi was in the same circles as people like Meghan and Joe of the Shayne Brothers.

Desi first met the two at a camp for aspiring musicians, the well known Camp Music. She was one of many talented nobodies who wanted a glimpse at stardom. Meghan Tyler is the daughter of pop star Ann Tyler, and it was her who ran the camp, the typical queen bee. I happened to cross paths with Meghan and her friends online (unrelated reasons) and they always gave me a vibe of a high school clique. I interacted with her indirectly a couple times but then actively avoided her when her friends stirred up drama. It's one thing to vagueblog about an ex-friend who screwed you over, it's another to ruin someone's reputation by claiming that they faked their trauma just because you had a petty falling out with them.

Then there's Joe Shayne, best known as the lead singer for the Shayne Brothers. He was amazed by Desi's voice and took an interest in her. The two started off kinda rough with Joe pushing his boundaries and Desi rightfully calling him out on his entitled behavior. The whole thing was kinda like a Cinderella story with Joe trying to figure out who was the singer he overheard while passing by while Desi tried too hard to impress him after realizing who he was. By the end of the summer, they began dating, becoming regulars at Camp Music for the next several years.

Despite what the others were saying, Desi and Joe were going strong for eight years. Desi was associated with the Shayne Brothers, which was a blessing and a curse. As much as she liked Joe and his brothers, she didn't want to be known solely because of her connection to them. They were going to get engaged until last year when Desi broke things off. According to her, things had been kinda rough for a while but they tried - probably a bit too hard, in her words - to stay together. They're still friends but Desi thinks in a year or two they'll drift away, which I think is what she wants.

On one hand it's kinda sad since they've been together for so long. And from what I've heard about Joe, being with Desi helped him a lot as before he met her he was on his way to becoming a short tempered almost has-been. Basically, she made him shape up and consider his future seriously. But aside from their love of music, Desi and Joe were from completely different worlds. In the years since they got together, they've grown into two different people. The two have spoken openly about their breakup and it seems like it's for the best. Sometimes things just don't work out in the end and that's okay.

As for Meghan, Desi always had a complicated relationship with her. Being the fish out of water, Desi tried to impress Meghan, even if it meant dumbing down herself to please Meghan's ego. There was always some sort of competition between them with Desi constantly feeling like she has to prove herself. While Meghan did help Desi out with her connections and fame, Desi never felt she earned her recognition, another reason why she wanted to start from the ground up.

For years Desi was part of Meghan's band, Too Cool. While Desi occasionally had some solos that charted, she and the other members were always overshadowed by Meghan. She considers the whole experience a mixed bag, one that started out exciting but in the end the bad outweighed the good.

A few months ago, not too long after leaving Too Cool, Desi did an insightful interview for a magazine where she spoke honestly about her ups and downs with the band as well as her breakup with Joe. I always felt that she deserved better than Too Cool, especially after reading the interview. From being constantly referred to as "the Mexican one" even though she stated multiple times she's Cuban, to being told to sing slightly off key in order to make Meghan sound better - no wonder she wanted out. It's an eye opening read on the ugly side of the music industry, particularly on how WOC artists are treated.

Following her departure, another member and longtime friend of Meghan, Maria Silva, also left the band for similar reasons. She too had also spoken out about the racism she experienced, having been constantly referred to as "the Chinese one" despite being Filipino. I don't know Maria too well but she comes across as genuine and I wish her well on her solo endeavors.

Right now Desi's taking a break on music, though not entirely. She's been writing songs and making demos but it'll be a while before she releases something. For now Desi wants to celebrate her freedom, starting with a long, well deserved vacation. Then once she's had enough rest and relaxation, she plans to jump back into the music scene with a bang, this time on her own terms with her calling all the shots.

Desi's been teasing me and the campers with what she has in store. In light of the racism she experienced with Too Cool, Desi wants to embrace her Cuban culture more than ever, starting with the music. Mainstream pop radio hits aren't her thing anymore, so she's going for a new sound inspired by her Cuban roots along with her usual pop rock style she's got going on since she began writing songs. She's also considering the idea of doing an album in Spanish, though that'll depend on a lot of factors.

It's nice to see her so excited and passionate about her music - that's one of the things I love about her! Like I said, Desi's got talent and ambition, and I know that she'll successfully make a name for herself without Meghan or Joe's shadows. I mean, the demos I've heard already sound a million times better than pretty much everything Too Cool has done - imagine how the final product will be! Once the album comes out, I'll be one of the first in line to buy and download a copy.

We met up with Desi by chance at the hotel, her room being upstairs. She's been traveling around, crossing off places where she always wanted to visit. So far she's crossed off four places from her list. After Coral Beach she was debating on Hero's Tunnel and Swan Park since they're right next to each other. Since the camp's along the way, I invited her over and hopefully during her time there, she can make up her mind on where to visit first. I know she'll enjoy the camp, especially Saltwater Shores since she's a beach gal.

Coral Beach is such a beautiful place. One of the first things we did when we got there was to pose in front of the fountain and toss a bell in for a wish. Then we checked into the Coral Beach Hotel, where we got a lovely view of the ocean and fountain.

The architecture of the hotel is so pretty, it reminds me of an old village on a tropical island. Along the boardwalk are charming little shops and cafes where we got to enjoy shaved ice and fine handmade souvenirs. I got a set of cute floral teacups, a dot grid notebook with a pretty mosaic cover, a gorgeous seashell necklace, and a painted ukulele.

We went swimming and snorkeling in the ocean, where we got to see the pretty coral the place is known for. Nature can be so fascinating sometimes - the coral really does look like fancy lace! I also collected a bunch of pretty seashells like pearl oysters, which are pretty rare, as well as pink oyster shells and obsidian shells, something I've never seen before. Desi suggested that we go parasailing - her new favorite activity as of recently - so that's what we did and it was a lot of fun! We also went surfing, watched a performance at the theater, shared cocktails during happy hour, and explored the gardens.

Today we went to a mosaic workshop and made some cool decor. Then we went to a ceramics shop where we watched how bowls were made, which was pretty cool. After that we had a late lunch at Sash, where we had poke and butter mochi. Next door was a bookstore where we browsed for a while and then we spent a couple hours at the beach before heading to the hotel for dinner.

Since we aren't leaving until tomorrow afternoon, we had some time to kill so we spent it at the pool, lounging around. Desi says she's looking forward to seeing the camp and meeting up with Daisy Jane. It's so good seeing Desi relaxed and having a great time, especially after what she had to put up with during her time with Too Cool.

It's getting late now and I still have a little bit of packing left to do. The ocean's so pretty at this time of night, the way the light of the stars reflect on the water like sparkles. I can't wait to come back in the near future.

#animal crossing #animal crossing pocket camp #Diary of a Junebug #headcanon ramble

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dearinheadlights-archived · 3 years

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05 July 2021

i did some cosplay today, for the first time in a while. lots of uraraka and a bit of villain au uraraka. posted a cute picture of instagram. a couple of things that boost my self-image, i guess, which is nice. that can get pretty negative sometimes, from my parents and my past relationships and social media, so doing things that make me feel pretty are good. i also get overly critical of myself when i cosplay too, though. about how my body looks and how my hair isn’t sitting right and my makeup isn’t perfect. but i try to remind myself that doing the best i can is okay.

i tried fake eyelashes again. this is the first time they’ve worked out. i’ll have to take them off soon though.. so that’ll be interesting too.

my birthday is in, geez, a week. i’ll be twenty. that’s kinda crazy to think about. no longer a teenager. i’ll be celebrating by myself, mostly. that kinda sucks. maybe i can see if any of my hometown friends want to hang out… but that’d be kind of pathetic, honestly. it’d feel weird asking. i hate spending holidays alone, and birthdays have got to be the worst. plays into my fear of abandonment i think. at least i can hopefully get some cool things. i got airpods, and i’m hoping to get a ukulele too. and maybe a nice wireless keyboard—a green, retro-style one, with circle keys. i’ve been doing research to find a good one. but it still sucks that i’ll be alone. i’ll try to occupy myself, but i know i’ll get upset, at least a bit.

my room has been decently clean the past few days. it’s hard to keep it clean, with my adhd or whatever. i’m putting effort into it though. it’s a bit messy right now, from cosplay stuff. but i’ll fix it up soon.

my summer classes start on july 14th. two math classes. not excited about it… ugh, that just reminded me that i keep forgetting to email a professor. i really have to do that.

i’ve been watching fruits basket lately. it’s a good show. talks a lot about life and stuff. something that resonated with me lately was when they talked about not wanting to forget memories—even bad ones. because then you can withstand anything. it was a bit more than that, but it was a good concept. definitely more mature than i have been with my feelings. sometimes i wish i could forget the shitty things that have happened to me. my parents being the way they are, being mistreated by the people i’ve fallen in love with, backstabbed by friends… it’s too much, at times. i guess i learn from it though. i’m more compassionate for others because of the pain that i’ve been through. i know more about the world because of it. i don’t know. i don’t like that those things happened, but there’s no changing that. so i might as well try my best to be happy and work hard to have the life that i want.

the fireworks are going off again, so i’ll probably start playing some music and taking off my makeup. i really hate the sound of them. it’d be easier if i had my headphones to cancel the noise. or someone to hold me while they go off, aha…. anyways. it’s not so bad sometimes, but some of them really freak me out. i’m not sure why. just a sensory sensitivity i guess. i have a lot of those: touch, light, and sound, mainly. but yeah. i got through it last night alright.

oh! last night was actually pretty great. i spent a lot of time listening to music and adding songs to my playlists. i made a new playlist for songs i’d like to learn on ukulele. i also recorded a demo of a song i wrote… i haven’t posted the lyrics on my other account though, cause it’s the first song i’ve ever written so i’m kinda shy about it. but i will eventually. i don’t think it sounded too bad. and i’ll feel better about it once i have a ukulele to play along with it. overall, it was a pretty good night. and so was today. which is good, since a lot of things have been hard lately.

#diary #journal #daily diary

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poisonedapples · 5 years

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My Happy Ending

Summary: Roman looks back on how much Patton has changed.

Pairings: Platonic Prinxiety, Romantic Logicality, past Queerplatonic Royality

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Angst with a bittersweet ending, suicide mentions, allusions to neglect, transphobia, abandonment mentions, slight aphobia, swearing, food mentions and one mention of vomiting, deadnames being used in flashbacks. Patton is also more of the bad guy in this one. The songs used in this are “The Things We Used To Share” by Thomas Sanders, and “Change Your Mind” from Steven Universe

Note: For the second week of the @fander-pride-meetup (which is one day early, oops), I told the story of me and my first relationship. It’s not the happiest story I have (as you can see by the triggers), but it’s one that has shaped me a lot and holds a special place in my heart. So have the biggest contribution to all the things I wish I could say to someone who still holds a special place in my heart, and hopefully enjoy <3

One day, he was going to get a husband.

He wanted it more than anything else in this world. Even when his parents screamed at each other outside of his door, he wanted a husband. He wanted to break the cycle of divorce, of loveless love. He wanted to be held, loved by someone. More than anything in this world, Roman wanted love.

Although the music he blasted through his headphones didn’t muffle all the screaming, all the insults and “Fuck you!”s, all the questions of why his mom didn’t just leave his dad if she hated him so much, he could pretend the outside to his room didn’t exist. He dreamed of this hypothetical man, waiting for his prince to come.

—

One day, Roman was going to stop crying about this.

He tried his hardest, even on his loneliest nights. He kept his mind on Disney, or his homework, his job, rehearsals, anything other than being sprawled face-first in his bed and moping. But Roman was too caught in the depressing thoughts he wants to avoid to notice his steps were anything but quiet. He was stomping down his hallway, barely stopping himself from slamming his door behind him. There was a pit in his chest, a feeling he knew better than any other emotion. Loneliness.

On one hand, he wanted to bask in it. He wanted to lie in his misery, be hateful of the world and everything that had led up to this. Maybe cry for a solid forty minutes for good measure, maybe then Roman would finally calm down. Would finally stop looking at the things held inside his phone that were only hurting him more. Messages, the photo, a crystal ring on his right hand that held all the things that made him want to sleep it all away. Things that held the cold, hard truth; Patton wasn’t coming back. And Roman didn’t have the heart to accept that.

His feet carried themselves to his bedroom, plopping face first in a hoard of pillows covered in Disney. It didn’t take long to realize how hard it was to breathe with your face shoved in fabric, so Roman flipped over on his side and stared at his wall instead. He didn’t blink, only stared at the ukulele on the other side of the room like it had personally attacked him.

That photo felt like it had gone through Roman’s eyes and burned a seething hole right in his chest. A sinking, nauseous feeling with a touch of the unbearable fear of abandonment he was forced to face right now. The person who had been his only constant for the last five years left without a care in the world. Even after ten months, it still hurt. But with that, a thought so unbearably true, crossed Roman’s mind in that moment. It’s hurting you, but not him. Patton’s doing just fine. He’s already forgotten about you.

Well, just because it’s true doesn’t mean you should say it.

That wasn’t even Roman being dramatic this time, it was true. Patton just wasn’t...Patton anymore, not the sweet and kind and bubbly personality he loved. He had a different air to him. He made jokes that made Roman uneasy, hung out with all the people Roman couldn’t dare to trust, always seemed so unnaturally mature now. He wasn’t his Patton. His Patton didn’t smile like that. His smile was too different now. It wasn’t bubbly, just sheer joy and unapologetic amusement anymore, it had a different air to it. Roman couldn’t describe it, but he /knew/. Patton’s smile was different, he was sure of it.

So many thoughts. So many memories with Patton etched all over them, searching for the moment where things could have possibly gone wrong, what colossal mistake Roman must have made to cost him the most important person in his life but he didn’t want to accept that it was that moment, the moment he knew was the mistake, but dammit Roman can only take so much rejection before he snaps.

But then again, maybe he already did.

He couldn’t take it anymore. So many thoughts, way too many thoughts, he needed something to occupy his hands with and as much of his brain as his brain would cooperate with. He got up and grabbed the ukulele that he had been staring at for a solid five minutes and sat back down on his bed. At first, he just played some random notes, watching and hearing the vibrations, tuning it a little, but that in itself can only do so much. So instead, Roman decided to play a song he felt matched his present feelings as well as it could. A singer he follows online, one of his first songs ever created, that expressed the same things Roman couldn’t seem to get out without crying on the floor. As the introducing piano played in his mind, waiting for his own part with his fingers already placed, Roman’s mind drifted to the past. Old memories that leave a bitter taste in his mouth now.

Freshman year, Roman’s fourth period gym class that he was only a part of for the graduation requirement. Although the actor was an amazing dancer for the school plays, he couldn’t hit a volleyball correctly to save his life. He didn’t know how to hold a football and stood in the corner during the soccer games they had. Though, perfect for Roman, the gym teachers were so laid back that it didn’t matter how much he genuinely participated, his grade was still a 100. Even though he was embarrassed in front of his classmates, at least he was getting that credit.

But there was one problem: Group stuff. When it was time for everyone to pair up with partners, Roman was always the kid awkwardly teamed up with whoever didn’t make it to a friend in time. With all the athletic kids or the popular girls that didn’t even bother to participate, Roman felt like the outlier. No group partner he’d had managed to stick at all, and it was both annoying and hurtful. He couldn’t keep a partner for one semester class.

That is, until this specific group work.

It was the beginning of a badminton unit, so Roman stood around waiting for the inevitable person to practice the hits with until class was over. When his partner did come over, it was a person with curly blonde hair, chubby with a pair of black, thick-rimmed glasses on their face. Their smile was bright and bubbly, yet shy as they walked up to the person they had never talked with before. At first glance and a while after that, Roman thought he was a girl.

But then again, he thought he was a girl once too.

“You can have the toaster and the PC…”

“Hi!” He greeted, worn out tennis shoes walking across the gym floor to stand next to Roman. “I’m Leah, what’s your name?”

“Or even my Timothy Green DVD…”

Roman’s brain took a moment to process. “Uh, Mia. Let’s go get some rackets to get this over with.”

Patton’s laughter reassured Roman that his words had managed to come off as a joke. Good. Usually he sounded too serious when he was nervous. “I’m absolutely gonna fail at this. I can’t do any sport to save my life.”

“I feel that on a personal level. But hey, maybe this will be the secret sport you’re so gifted at you can take to the Olympics.”

“Let’s find out! ...If they even have badminton in the Olympics…”

“I’ll let you have the couch, and the PC…”

Badminton was not the miracle sport for either of them. While the other teams had managed to hit the birdie ten, fifteen times until it fell, Roman and Patton were cheering when they got to three. But honestly, they were both more focused on talking to the other than really practicing for the game. Turned out, Roman really liked Patton. He was a good person, apparently also in three of his core classes, and as bubbly and smart as a person could be. They told stories, talked about themselves, laughed and joked as if they’d been friends their whole lives. It was one of the most fun days Roman had ever had in his Freshman year.

Because that one moment in gym, he made a friend. His first best friend since elementary school. His first friend that genuinely seemed like a real friend to him. At least, at the time, but that time led to what made Roman realize what it felt like not to feel alone. To have someone by your side for five years.

Until it all came crashing down.

“Hang on to that jacket that you bought for me…” Roman couldn’t help it at this point. That memory had such a sour taste to it now, once everything was all said and done. Once he lost what he thought he never could. Never would.

“I don’t really care, you can keep the things we used to share,” Roman’s mind went to a closer memory. One that took place not even three months ago, and he felt his body tense at it. “But what did you do with my heart?”

It was the college’s LGBT group a little over two months ago, one that Roman joined because he figured it’d be a good place to make some friends, and at first, seemed like things could only get better with how he saw Patton in the corner for the first day. Excited to see his best friend, Roman ran up to him and another person he was talking with. “Patton! Hello there, my little puffball!”

Patton didn’t give much of a greeting, but he brushed it off once he noticed that he was in the middle of telling something to this other guy. Roman first noticed that he and Patton had the same glasses, but also wondered what kind of college student would ever wear a tie and polo shirt to places. But who knows, maybe he just got back from a presentation.

The night passed with Roman sticking to Patton and the other guy (Logan, he later found out) considering they were the only two people who knew there. They talked off in the corner, but Roman didn’t realize until later that really, he was listening more than he was talking. Because Patton wasn’t paying equal attention.

“What did you do with my heart?”

He doesn’t remember how they got to that topic, really. Maybe it’s because the aftermath shocked him so much, but all he really remembers was Patton’s response to something Logan had said. “I don’t have a best friend.”

Roman, in joking offense, scoffed and put a hand to his chest. “Wow. Rude.”

Apparently, Roman was the only one that was joking.

“No, really.” Patton said, turning to Roman with complete seriousness. No remorse in sight. “I mean, yeah, I’m close to you, but you’re not my best friend. I just think best friends are childish.”

Roman’s heart stopped.

“No more fireworks, no more compass,”

Childish. They were childish, according to Patton. According to the person Roman considered his best friend. According to Roman’s supposed best friend, having a best friend was childish. His lungs filled with dry ice, so cold they burned. His stomach was made of lead. Childish.

“You didn’t leave a single butterfly in my stomach, you took my spyglass, no knowing what lies ahead...”

Suddenly, the very ground Roman was standing on burned. The name tag was searing a whole through his shirt, the building’s air filled with toxin. He needed to leave. The meeting hadn’t even started yet, but he need to leave.

So he did. And he didn’t come back, not saying a single word to anyone that was there, including Patton. He just left.

And Patton never said a word about it.

“You took my warmth at night but left a dent in my bed...” That one hurt a lot. How ignorant Patton seemed to be about what Roman might feel if he said something like that. He likes to think that maybe he just didn’t know, maybe Roman made a mistake at some point, for Patton to think their friendship had no chance of surviving, so he gave up. But he searched and searched and searched...and he couldn’t find it.

“I don’t really care you can keep the things we used to share,” Four years ago, Roman never thought that he’d be here, singing a song like this and thinking of Patton. “But what did you do with my heart?”

But Roman also didn’t expect to ever be more than friends with Patton. At least, not five years ago.

Not until after that night under the stairs.

“What did you do with my heart?”

Sophomore year, fifteen minutes before Roman was getting ready for a final rehearsal before his winter orchestra concert. Patton had come over to watch since none of Roman’s family was coming, walking around with him around the school to pass the time before Roman had to go back to the orchestra room. They ended up walking down one of the wings, until Roman pulled Patton under the stairs with shaky hands. He’d been meaning to do this for a while, but he wanted to do it in person, and Patton was usually so busy…

But today, Patton was right in front of him. And he decided to take his chance. “I want to tell you something.”

Patton’s eyes widened with worry, and Roman grew a little frantic. “Nothing bad! At least, I hope it’s not bad, cause you’re my best friend and I wouldn’t want you to think I’m bad-”

“Mia,” Patton said, placing a hand on Roman’s arm. “You’re rambling.”

“Right, yeah…” A deep breath, a small smile, then the words managed to come out. “I’m gay.”

Patton’s reaction was instant, no hesitation, no thought, just an immediate smile and bouncing on his feet in joy. “Mia I’m so proud of you!”

Patton flung himself at Roman, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing as hard as he could in joy. For a moment, Roman froze. Although yes, it felt nice to have his best friend holding him...Roman can’t remember the last time he was hugged. If he ever was. He didn’t know where to put his arms, or if he was just supposed to just stand there and take it. But before Roman could figure out what he wanted to do, Patton had pulled back, smiling at him.

“You’ve stripped me of my pride, that’s for the best,”

The two talked a little more as they began to walk Roman back to the orchestra room, his high heels clicking on the floor like a principal walking down the hallways. Roman first came out as a lesbian before he knew anything else about himself. Before he knew that he was trans, and had assumed that his lack of attraction toward anyone was a lack of attraction to boys only. Although he had heard of the terms aromantic and asexual, Roman was convinced those weren’t for him. Aromantic people didn’t want to marry. Roman wanted that more than anything in the world.

So, he was convinced for three years that he was a gay cis woman. And on the first night he had ever come out, he wasn’t expecting one of Patton’s more delayed reactions.

“But you’ve also deprived me of a full night’s rest,”

Patton’s eventual confession. On that same night.

“I’m pan.” He whispered, and Roman’s eyes brightened once he realized he had a best friend in the same community as him. Although the two weren’t able to talk much about it before Roman had to go to his rehearsal, the two later talked on the phone and took solace in being openly out to one accepting person. One that was their best friend.

“So no more dreams where we pull through,”

And right before Roman went into the orchestra room, if he was paying attention…

“I’ll look for you in the crowd!”

“Break a leg! But not actually, please!”

...He would have seen the lovestruck blush on Patton’s face.

“And I can’t collect my thoughts cause they’re still with you…” Roman remembers the years after that. The confusion but the absolute certainty. The love but the debate on what kind of love. The story of the ring on Roman’s right hand.

For Valentine’s Day in Junior year, Roman had given Patton a ring identical to the one he was still wearing today. It seemed fitting, considering how badly Roman wanted Patton to be his soulmate, and for how long they were convinced that they were soulmates. It took Roman a long time, from Christmas in that Junior year, to realize that he might have a crush on Patton. He didn’t get the butterflies, the plaguing thoughts, blushes or any other feelings he had heard came from crushes, but he had no idea what else it could be. He didn’t get butterflies, but his heart jumped like an excited puppy each time he saw Patton calling him. His thoughts weren’t plagued with him, but Roman imagined his entire future living with Patton, being with him, and it seemed like almost anything could happily remind him of his best friend. He decided he must have a crush because it certainly felt stronger than best friends, but he didn’t know what else it could be.

So, Roman decided it must be a crush, since he couldn’t think of anything else. And eventually, he told Patton this, who in turn confessed his own feelings. That’s what led to the both of them calling the other their “wife”, curiously discussing spending the rest of their lives together, and what led to Roman giving Patton the ring after school on Valentine’s Day.

Even when they weren’t officially dating, the two acted like they were already long married. And Roman wanted to keep it this way forever.

Until Patton lost the ring in a public bathroom off in Indiana one day, not telling Roman until months later. Until Roman made Patton another ring and a necklace to go with it so he never lost it. Until Roman realized Patton didn’t wear the ring or the necklace.

But Roman still wore the ring to this very day, even when Patton hardly ever did. It was a special connection to him, all through Senior year and into his first year of college.

Senior year, Roman thought. The year everything started going to hell.

“I don’t really care...”

Within the first few weeks of Senior year, Patton came out as a trans man to Roman. Patton had been talking about questioning his gender for a while, but it still shocked Roman at first. But what shocked him most of all, was that despite being “gay”, Roman still loved him. He still felt the same feelings for Patton that he has for over a year now.

And Roman’s mind began to spiral.

“...You can keep the things we used to share...”

He began searching and labels all over again, and as he did so, he realized that he missed one crucial detail from the aromantic community the first time. The term squish. The term queerplatonic.

“Queerplatonic relationships are not another way to say ‘best friends’. People who are in QPRs (queerplatonic relationships) spend the rest of their lives with their partners, instead of just living separate but interweaving lives like best friends. People in QPRs can even buy houses together or platonically marry, but each QPR is different. Really, it depends on the comfort of the people involved and their own boundaries they establish.”

...Holy shit, Roman thought, holy shit holy fuck you can fucking do that!?

It seemed like every mystery of life had been solved with just one paper on the internet about the aroace community. Every feeling, every moment with Patton that didn’t seem to make sense no matter how black and white he tried to simplify it to had fallen into place before his very eyes. He no longer had an excuse to ignore being aroace. His fear of never being able to marry had been solved with a research paper.

It all fit him so much. It all fit so well.

“But what did you do with my heart?”

He was no longer afraid to ask Patton out. He was no longer afraid of being in a relationship. He found one that fit him. He found new labels that fit him. And when the time came just right, he would tell Patton. He would come out all over again, he would ask Patton to be his QPP.

But it didn’t go to plan the way he thought at all.

Because that night, he got messages from Patton.

“I came out to my parents last night.”

“Are you okay?”

Terrifying ones.

“They hate me now. Dad won’t look me in the eyes.”

“I’m so sorry, Patton.”

“I can’t live like this. I wanna die.”

Ones that made Roman’s heart skip beats.

“Patton, even with your parents not accepting you, there’s still other things to live for.”

“I don’t think I want to live to see them.”

For thirty minutes, Roman talked Patton out of suicide with shaky hands. He managed to give Patton enough little reasons to have him promise he wasn’t going to do anything, but Roman was still scared. Still scared of losing his best friend for the rest of the night, before he could even come out to him or confess. Although he wanted to come out at the right time, when he felt ready, he didn’t want to miss a chance. At the very least, he didn’t want Patton to die not knowing how Roman felt.

Which is what led to the next day, Roman frantically knocking on Patton’s front door after he didn’t respond to any of Roman’s messages for the last five hours.

And to Roman’s relief, Patton answered.

“Hi, Roman-” He couldn’t help it. Even though he didn’t know what to do during a hug, Roman tackled at Patton and basically held his entire weight on him. If Patton was to let go, Roman was sure that he’d fall and hit his head right on the concrete front step right behind him. But he didn’t care. Patton was alive.

“Are you okay!? Why haven’t you answered me any!?”

Patton’s smile looked dull. Like someone had forced out the sunshine from it. “I was fighting with my mom. Screamed a lot, cried even more, but she sent me an email from her work. She called me by my name and said she’s gonna look for a gender therapist for me. They’re both gonna try, especially since I said some...harsh things during that fight. Things I’m not gonna repeat.”

Roman smiled. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“I was only just now reading your messages. You said you wanted to tell me something?”

“...Yes. Yes, I did.”

So Roman told him. All of his confusion over the years, his denial of his identity because of the terrifying fear of never getting to do what he wanted most: to marry. How he found queerplatonic, what queerplatonic meant, and how he realized that he was mistaken with his crush on Patton. It wasn’t a crush, but a squish instead. And after so long of not knowing what to do, confused of moving forward and actually asking Patton out, he knew what he really wanted.

He put his fear of rejection behind him, for one small moment, Roman had courage he always feigned to possess. He asked Patton to be his QPP.

“I would love to, Mia!”

“What did you do with my heart?”

Roman strummed and sang, sang the little intermission between the chorus and the next part of the song with teary eyes. His voice was slightly broken, breathing getting harder to do while both singing while crying and having a binder on, but he still sang. Even as he remembered their old moments together, both good and bad.

Before new moments stopped coming with them. Before Roman got his one month of having a partner he was happy with, and it all came crumbling down.

“I wouldn’t take it back even though I feel sore…”

For good.

“I meant it when I said—”

“—What’s mine is yours!” Roman announced, opening up the door to his bedroom for Patton for the first time. “You know what they say; Mi casa es su casa!”

“I don’t, actually,” Patton had a mischievous grin on his face. “Not everyone took Spanish, you know.”

“That’s because you’re a German heathen!”

“Ich bin schuldig.” He said, Roman placing his hands on his hips in disapproval. “Precisely what I mean. Heathen.”

“You don’t even know what I said!”

“I don’t have to in order to know you’re a heathen!”

Patton laughed and sat down on Roman’s bed, never having been to his house before. Usually Roman just went over to Patton’s, but because his parents were both away for the weekend, Roman had been able to invite his new QPP over for a day. His bed was covered in Disney pillows and soft blankets, the whole room being more eclectic than having an actual theme. But it all encompassed Roman perfectly, and he loved it. “Love you too, Mia.”

Roman paused right in his tracks for a moment, processing. The words etched themselves right into Roman’s brain, even when Patton had said it multiple times before, as well as many other cute pet names and cheesy flirts. He felt his body fill with energy, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” He said, silently squealing with his hand over his mouth. “That just made me happy.”

Patton didn’t comment, just smiled as he waited for Roman to calm down and sit next to him on the bed, where they watched YouTube on Patton’s phone of some of their mutual favorite YouTubers, snacked around downstairs, and had an overall good time until the sun started to set, and Patton needed to go home.

It lasted one month.

“But I need to know,”

“You said you wanted to talk to me?”

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do because I don’t wanna hurt you.”

You ended up making it hurt worse.

“Now that we’re apart,”

“Well...what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Okay...then how about we just...take a break. We can take a small break, and you can come back to me and tell me what you want to do, okay?”

“Alright...gotta go, bye.”

“...Bye…”

“What did you do?”

That break lasted five months, Roman being too afraid to bring it up again while Patton didn’t send him a single text message, all through summer until College was getting ready to start. In that time, Roman came out as trans to Patton over text, and Patton responded four days later. Patton texted him first to vent twice, but those were the only times. Roman didn’t have the heart to ask for Patton’s decision. Because deep down, he already knew the answer.

Five months after their break, Roman got the courage. To talk to Patton, ask him for his decision. “Sorry Ro, I’m not ready for a relationship yet.”

And it was finally over.

“I need to know,”

For good. That was the last time Roman had a conversation with Patton that lasted more than two minutes.

“Now that we’re apart,”

Daily texts turned into monthly. Monthly turned into none at all.

After a while, Roman stopped trying.

“What did you do with my heart!?”

Roman was so afraid of losing his best friend, his first partner ever, that he didn’t realize he had already lost him.

“What did you do with my…”

Roman couldn’t even call Patton his friend anymore. He was his ex-QPP. His ex-best friend. In all forms of the word, Patton was his ex.

But the worst part of it all, was what Roman had found out after.

“Heart!?”

What Roman learned not even from Patton himself.

“What did you do with my heart?”

The words that haunted his mind.

“What did you do with my heart?”

Roman strummed some more. He couldn’t see with all the tears in front of his eyes, but once the final chord of the song had been played, he could hear the slightest creak of a floorboard right in front of his bedroom door.

Words that he didn’t learn from Patton. But words he had to accidentally discover from their old, long-term friend—

“Hey dude, you doing okay?”

Virgil.

“...How long have you been standing there?” Roman frantically wiped away the tears from his eyes, placing his ukulele to the side and finally being able to see Virgil. He was leaning on the doorframe to Roman’s bedroom, his signature purple hoodie over a black tank top despite the temperatures only now getting colder. Also he tried to present himself as smug, uncaring, Roman could see into his eyes. He could see the concern.

“A while, honestly. The entire damn campus heard you slam your door and stomp like you were a fucking SWAT team coming through, so I went to check on you. You need to learn to lock your door, by the way.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Roman’s words sounded like spiteful venom, and Virgil put his hands up in surrender. Roman fell back onto the bed, occupying his hands by mindlessly strumming the strings, watching them vibrate. “I’m just joking, it’s chill. But actually, you okay dude? You look like death, and judging from the song...I have a feeling I know who this is about.”

Roman paused for a moment to stare at his roof. “...Did you see his Instagram?”

“You know I only have Tumblr, Princey.”

Roman didn’t respond. He took his phone out of his pocket, scrolling for a moment while Virgil awkwardly stood there, until he finally shoved his phone in Virgil’s hands. It took him a moment to process what was on the screen in front of him, but Roman saw the change in expression. The way his eyes opened wide, and how he mouthed a simple “...Oh.”

On the phone was a single Instagram post made by Patton_Foster2000, the picture that burned a hole right through Roman’s hand as he held his phone. The one that filled his stomach with lead. In the photo, Patton was next to a boy that both Virgil and Roman could recognize. Although his clothing was more casual than the last time Roman saw him, he was still dressed semi-formal just for the fun of it, the same black-rimmed glasses that Patton had on his own face. He was smiling slightly as he looked straight at the camera Patton’s arm was holding up for a selfie. But most of all, Patton was kissing his cheek.

Patton_Foster2000: Happy six months with this cutie! Love you Logan <3 ^-^

“...He didn’t even tell me.”

Virgil looked back at Roman at the sound of his sad voice, the crook of his elbow lying over his eyes. “Remember when me and Pat used to tell each other almost everything? Me neither!”

“I...really don’t know what to say, Roman. I mean, he doesn’t tell me anything either, but then again we weren’t ever as close as you two were, so…”

“I know I’m probably overthinking this. Maybe he just never thought to, maybe he thought I left him, I don’t know. But...six months? He got with someone he barely knew four months after we broke up? And I’m still upset over him? But he’s moved on? Does he even remember me?”

Virgil didn’t know what to do for a while. He stared at Roman on the bed with his eyes still covered, until Roman eventually felt the bed dip and someone crawl over him. Virgil fit himself between Roman and the wall, mindlessly staring up at the patterns on the ceiling. The only sounds in the room for a while was the sound of breathing and sighs, until Virgil decided to say something he hoped could be helpful. The shit he did for his friend. “Maybe he doesn’t, no one knows.”

“Wow, thank you.”

“Let me finish, bastard.” Roman sighed dramatically, but didn’t interrupt further. “Anyway, maybe he doesn’t remember you. Maybe he does but doesn’t give a shit. Maybe he remembers and gives a shit, but doesn’t know what to do. But does it really matter anymore? You two are going in different paths now. You’re gonna write and perform, he’s gonna be a therapist. You wanna get out of this dinky town, he wants to stay and settle down as soon as possible. You and I both know that shit is changing, things are different than the high school days, and people come and go. Even ones...that promise that they’ll stay.”

Roman removed his arm from his face, the crook of his elbow wet and his eyelashes sticking together. “Yes, but... I don’t know. It’s harder because it was him. He made me think I could do anything, could be anything. He was there for me when I needed him the most. He was the only person I had when mom left.”

“And then he changed.”

“He did…” It was hard to acknowledge that, but it was the truth. Patton wasn’t the bubbly personality that Roman remembered. He didn’t smile the same, his words were colder than they ever were before. Over one difficult summer, when Roman decided to take a risk, he lost it all. He wanted to show Patton the real love he felt for him. And Patton left and never returned.

And he didn’t even say the real reason why. The worst part of that summer, is what Roman had found out after.

Two months after he and Patton had officially broken up, Roman and Virgil went out for lunch during the weekend. In all honesty, he doesn’t remember how the conversation had turned to Patton. Maybe it was just by chance, maybe Virgil was asking questions. He couldn’t remember, and in truth, he didn’t know if he wanted to.

What Roman hadn’t even found out from Patton himself.

“Remember how we were in that queerplatonic relationship?”

“I think you told me, yeah.”

Roman stirred his lemonade with his straw, focusing intently on the drink in front of him. “We ended up getting on a break for a while after that. A couple of months later, that’s when he broke up with me.”

The words that haunted his mind.

“That’s shitty, dude.”

“Stop swearing when there are toddlers behind you.”

“They’re gonna say them eventually, it’s okay.”

“You’re evil.”

“Good, my aesthetic is growing.”

Words that he didn’t learn from Patton.

“But, yeah.” Roman let out an awkward laugh. “I mean, I can understand it, I just wish that he would talk to me, you know? But it’s understandable.”

“It is?”

“Well, yes. He just said it was because he wasn’t ready for a relationship.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Virgil took a bite of a fry from the box. “I don’t know, it’s just that when he told me the fact that he said it was because ‘I don’t want a relationship that’s just friends’ just kinda...rubbed me the wrong way, you know?”

But words he had to accidentally discover from their old, long-term friend Virgil.

Roman felt his heart stop. He couldn’t breathe without putting constant effort into it. The air was freezing, and a sickening feeling blew itself right into his chest. “...He said that?”

Roman saw Virgil’s face go even whiter as his breath hitched, eyes widening. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No! No he did not!”

“Dude, I am so sorry, I thought you knew!”

“He doesn’t want a relationship that’s ‘just friends’!? So he doesn’t want to affiliate with me unless he can get into my pants!?” Virgil went silent, running a hand through his hair and rubbing at the back of his neck, but Roman was feeling everything and nothing at the same time. His chest was collapsing in on itself. Maybe he should take off his binder. “Did four years mean nothing to him if he can’t ‘get the guy’ at the end? And what’s with the ‘just’ friends? It’s not meaningful enough for him so he just drops me? And then lies about it!?”

“I mean…” Virgil sounded quiet, timid almost. Roman knew how much he hated anger. “He said he also wasn’t ready too, so he didn’t really lie, I guess…”

“...It doesn’t matter. It’s fine. I’m glad to see he cares about me so much. I’m glad everyone I care about keeps dropping me.” He felt sick, like the food he had just ate would come out in chunks from its place stuck in the bottom of his throat. He didn’t wanna cry, he wanted to hide in a hole and forget other people in the world existed, just like they did with him. “I wanna go home, now…”

“Yeah, let’s just leave, it’s fine…” Virgil picked up the tray and put the leftovers in a bag, throwing away spare wrappers into the trash before heading toward the door. Roman followed right behind him, and the car ride was silent except for the music coming out of the speakers. And all the way through that car ride and from when Virgil left Roman’s house at 10 in the afternoon, Roman couldn’t get his mind off of Patton.

“I don’t want a relationship that’s just friends.”

“I just thought that he would always support me, at the very least.” Roman fiddled with the crystal ring on his right hand, old and slightly rusted from over the years, the band so thin it might just break. “I was so confident that we would get married. We both were. I thought I had found my soulmate in my Freshman year of high school, I loved him so much. We loved each other so much. But in the span of six months it all came crashing down, just because I had decided to start accepting myself. Now, I’m not sure I feel so prideful. I never understood ace people feeling broken until now.”

“Some people are just gonna do that, even in our own community.” Virgil shrugged his shoulders. “But at the end of the day, the thing that really matters are the people who stay through it all. People are gonna leave and be bastards no matter how long you live, that’s just how people function. Some people are gonna hurt a shit ton more when they leave, cause people are shit and that’s just truth. But the thing that matters is that eventually, it leads to meeting better people, or having better experiences. Growing and all that shit, you know?”

“True...it’s just more hard to accept when for so long you think someone is one of those better people. He was my happy ending, and now my happy ending is gone. What now?”

“Find another happy ending until one sticks,” Roman stopped fiddling with his ring to look over at Virgil, still staring straight up without a care in the world. So much irony in that one sentence. “A book can end in a million different ways if you’re not a fucking coward. And goals are goals, your goal was to spend your life with Patton and it didn’t work out. That’s how most relationships work. So you mope about it when you need to, but eventually you move forward. And Patton has moved on. It’s time you do too, at least for your own sake. Be sad about Pat as much as you want, so long as you keep going.”

Virgil heard a wet laugh come from his left, and only then did he take his gaze off the ceiling to look at Roman. “You are...an excellent friend, Virgil.”

“Nope, nope nope nope, fuck this, fuck that with a ten foot pole!” He suddenly stood up and jumped over Roman off the bed, making his way to the door. “You’re not putting that sappy shit on me now, bitch! Back with that shit!”

He couldn’t help it. Roman laughed hard despite the slight choke still in his voice, Virgil making a cross with his fingers in his direction. “You are incorrigible!”

“I talked with you about too much emotion bullshit for my comfort! If you’re getting sappy on me now I’m stealing some ramen from you and nope-ing the fuck out of here!”

“How can you be so cruel to me and deny my love!?”

“Cause your love is shit and you can give it to Zac Efron instead, you whore!”

“You call me out like this in my own home!?”

“Duh,” Virgil tempted, “Massive fucking bet.”

“I will annihilate you.”

“Do it, you heard me. Big bet.”

Roman glared him down as he sat up, Virgil starting to nervously laugh the more he stared him down. He moved his foot to prepare to stand and run, and that’s when Virgil took a dart for it, running across the dorm to the couch and jumping over the back side. Before he managed to open his eyes and run again, Virgil felt a massive weight plop down right on his chest. The two took a moment to laugh, but Virgil watched Roman in concern when he heard his heavy breathing. Shit, he’s wearing his binder. “Take that off, dude, you know you shouldn’t run in it.”

“I…” He swallowed and breathed deeply once more. “I had to get you, though.”

“And now you lose your binder rights.”

Roman groaned. “I’ve only been wearing it for four hours!”

“Who cares, time to take it off!”

He groaned some more and slowly got off of Virgil’s chest, sitting up and noticing the picture of Patton from their Junior year sitting on the side table. Virgil noticed where his eyes were going and for a moment thought he was going to get upset again, but Roman instead looked in Virgil’s direction. “Could you do me one more favor, Virgil?”

“Depends. What is it?”

“I believe it’s...time to get rid of some things being held onto for far too long. I think it’s time to clean up some hurt around here.”

Virgil sighed in relief. “I’ll get as much stuff as I can find while you change.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

While Roman was in his room taking off his binder, switching into a sports bra and some pajamas while he was at it, Virgil collected all the pictures and small art projects he could find from Patton around the dorm. Empty frames were more scattered around and art walls were more bare, but it was okay. When Roman came out and saw the pile on the couch, soon to go right into the recycling bin, he remembered what Virgil said. He could put new stuff in their place. Stuff that didn’t hurt to see.

But as he trashed all of the old decorations covered in Patton, Roman saw the ring again. The crystal ring, the thing he held onto so it could remind him of Patton when he needed it. It was worn and rusted, band so thin it could almost break. It was breaking.

With a heavy heart, Roman looked at the trash can right next to the recycling bin, and he threw the ring right into some rotten leftovers. It was unsalvageable now.

“...Now my hand feels bare, I don’t like that.” Roman said, breaking the sudden silence between him and Virgil. Virgil seemed to think for a long moment, but Roman could see his eyes brighten when the lightbulb went off in his head.

“Dude, I gotta show you this thing,” He followed Virgil to the place where his laptop was sitting. “So we’re both ace, right?”

“Indeed we are, yes.”

“So clearly I know shit. Also I see a lot of Tumblr posts.” He opened the laptop and gave it to Roman for a slight moment so he could put in his password. “Basically, there’s this way to show subtle pride and to kinda show to other aces that you’re ace too. A fully black ring on your right middle finger.”

The same place his old ring went. “...You have my attention.”

“You can find them cheap as fuck too, wanna look online?”

“Bitch, yes!” Roman leaned on Virgil’s shoulder as they browsed the internet for fully black rings, some made of stretchy silicone, others just straight-up wedding bands, but after a while of scrolling and five other tabs of nothing but rings to contrast to the others, Roman’s eye caught on a specific one in particular. “No wait, wait!” He excitedly pointed at the screen. “I want a spinny one! Spinner ace ring!”

Virgil smirked. “Of course your ADHD ass wants a spinner ace ring.”

“One more comment and I’ll steal your fidget cube.”

Virgil hissed at him in response.

“Seriously, that one, I want that one, gimme!” Roman took the laptop before Virgil could react to his impatience, closing all the other tabs and entering in his information for a size 9 spinner ring. He smiled brightly once the purchase was confirmed, ready to be delivered in around two days, and Roman was proud of himself. It was a small step, but it meant so much to him.

Virgil went back to his dorm about an hour later, considering he had some work to do, but Roman appreciated his sudden visit regardless. The dorm seemed bare after all that had happened now, no noise and places on the wall where things were bare, but most of all Roman’s mind started to wander. Wander to all the things Virgil told him, wandering to his own lessons he could maybe teach himself, and wandering to thoughts of Patton. Thoughts so bittersweet it was still almost unbearable, but it was time to say goodbye. All of the times they’ve been together, for how long Roman tried so desperately to hold on, Roman needed to say goodbye.

So he did. At 5:18 PM, Roman sent him a message on his Instagram.

Royal_Highness_Roman: I hope you and Logan end up very happy together. I hope you both have a wonderful happy ending

The message was no longer to Patton. It was a message...to a certain someone.

The message was read at 9:32 PM, but would never receive a response. He had successfully said goodbye.

—

A few days later, Roman returned back to his dorm with a slight weight in his chest. He had seen Patton on his ways to class and resisting the urge to run up to him and try speaking again was one harder to fight than he thought. But he managed to continue to class with his head down, his fingers tensing to feel the ring on his right hand.

Once he got to his dorm however, Roman felt himself turning to that ukulele again, the one way he had managed to get all of this out in the open. A few test strums, maybe a little tuning as he thought of a fitting song to play, feeling the strings under the pads of his fingers.

Just like the day he found out about Logan and Patton, he strummed his song. But this time, he would not grieve for him. He would learn. “I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me.”

At least, one day he would. “I don’t need you to love me, I love me.”

He could learn. One day. “But I want you to know you could know me…”

He couldn’t help it. He got a little teary eyed. “If you change your mind...change your mind...change your mind...change your mind.”

The strumming of the last seconds of that song filled the quiet in his bedroom, his eyes seemingly fixated on the black ring on his right hand now. The old crystal ring was gone. It wasn’t coming back, now, he replaced the physical representation of their love with what had ruined it: Pride in his identity.

He would learn. Maybe one day, that ace ring could turn into a flag above his bed. Maybe he’d go to a pride parade having more than his trans stuff. One day, he would be ready for that.

But today, Roman continued with his life, even with the bittersweet taste still in his mouth. The next day, he still walked down the hallways of his college to his morning class. And as he walks by, he’ll walk right past Patton and Logan talking in the hallways.

And if you were a bystander of that pass by, you would think Roman and Patton had never talked to each other in their life.

#fanderpridemeetup2019 #thomas sanders #sanders sides #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #breakups #transphobia mention #aphobia mention #swearing #suicide mention #neglect mention #abandonment mention #food mention #deadnames #to a certain someone

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blurry-fics · 6 years

Text

I Could Use a Love Song

Pairing: Tyler Joseph x Reader

Warnings: Angst

Word Count: 1899

Request: Not gonna lie, I dropped what I was doing when I saw your post about requests. Could I maybe see a Tyler x Reader where the reader is having a really bad day and all of her usual methods to feel better aren’t working, so Tyler jumps in with something maybe unconventional to help out? I was listening to I Could Use A Love Song by Maren Morris when thinking about this, if that helps! Thanks :) - @ohprettyweeper

Author’s Note: Good news, I finally managed to get some writing done amidst everything that’s happening! I decided to do this as a little surprise/bonus post since I know a lot of people are invested in Holding On To You right now, but I wanted to start getting people’s requests posted as well! Also, for anyone who hasn’t heard it and because it pertains to the fic, here’s a link to Tyler playing Build Me Up Buttercup (from the Beyond the Video for House of Gold)!

You drummed your fingers along your collarbone as you stared up at the ceiling. Your chest was rising and falling steadily as you carefully measured your breaths, hoping that it would somehow wipe away the cloud that seemed to be hanging over your mind. It had been twenty minutes of this same pattern and you had yet to feel any different.

“That’s it,” you muttered as you pushed yourself up from the couch. “I’m going on a drive.”

Your keys were still sitting in a jumbled heap from where you had tossed them down after arriving home from running errands yesterday. You quickly scooped them up, grabbed a jacket from the hall closet, and walked out the front door.

There was frost on the window as you climbed into the car, only adding another layer to the frustration that you were feeling. Still, you stuck the key in the ignition and turned the air on full blast, hoping that it wouldn’t be long before you could actually see out the windshield.

While the window defrosted, you scrolled through your phone and found some music that might help you feel a little better. You eventually settled on a song that you and Tyler always sang together; it never failed to bring up good memories when you listened to it. The window was finally beginning to clear up, so you pulled out of the driveway and out onto the street. Hopefully Tyler would be home by the time that you returned.

You absentmindedly drummed your fingers along the steering wheel as you drove through the streets of Columbus. The beauty of the city never failed to amaze you, despite the fact that you and Tyler had been living here for close to five years now. Going on the same drive through the city streets never seemed to get old.

Unfortunately, driving didn’t have the same appeal today. The music just seemed like dull background noise as you looked at the same buildings that you drove past almost daily. There was nothing particularly special about this drive that you were on, and you were beginning to wonder why this had ever worked as a way to cheer you up in the first place.

With a sigh, you pulled into a nearby parking lot and turned around. There was no point in wasting gas if it wasn’t going to help you feel any better, right?

You pulled into the driveway and shut the car off. There had to be some other way for you to cheer yourself up; at this point, you were willing to try anything that would cheer you up for even a few minutes. It didn’t help that Tyler had still yet to get home from his meetings, meaning that you would still be stuck trying to cheer yourself up.

You tossed your jacket back into the closet and immediately headed upstairs. There was only one more thing that you could think of that might finally get you out of this slump. If that didn’t work, then you would have to accept your bad mood and wait for it to go away. That, or hopefully Tyler would be home soon with some ideas to make you feel better.

You grabbed the basket of bath bombs from under the sink while the tub filled with warm water. Tyler was always sure to keep plenty of bath soaks and scented candles in the bathroom for you to use whenever you needed them. He knew that it was one of the few things that always seemed you calm you down or cheer you up, especially when he was away on tour and unable to physically be there for you.

You decided on a fruity scented one and tossed it unceremoniously into the tub. It began to fizzle and spread colors throughout the water. You stood frozen for a moment, mesmerized by the patterns, until you realized that the water needed to be shut off before the entire tub overflowed.

The water was warm as you stepped into it, but not too hot that it was unbearable. Your muscles instantly began to relax as they became submerged, and for a moment you forgot about all the thoughts that had been swirling in your head all morning. It wasn’t long before they all came rushing back, once again plaguing your mind.

You ended up spending close to half an hour soaking in the tub, just listening to music and scrolling casually through your phone. The water eventually started to grow cold and you decided it was long past time you get out of the bath. It had been nice to soak in the warm water for awhile, although your mood didn’t seem to have improved at all.

As soon as you dried off, you pulled on one of Tyler’s shirts and headed downstairs. You had just reached the bottom of the stairs when you heard someone unlocking the front door. Panic washed over you for a moment before you realized it was probably only Tyler arriving home from his meetings.

The door swung open, revealing Tyler carrying a multitude of bags on his arms. You quickly rushed over and took some of them from him, which he seemed thankful for.

“Hey,” he smiled.

“What’s all this?” you asked.

He shook his head, “Merch prototypes, paperwork, concert stuff to review. You name it, it’s probably in here.”

You followed Tyler into the office where he began to stack all of the bags into the corner.

“But the meetings were good?” you asked as you handed him a bag.

“Yeah, we got a lot of stuff done. You know me, though. I would have rather spent the morning here with you.”

He turned around and gave you a quick kiss. A smile crossed your face for a moment, but it was quick to fade away. Tyler didn’t seem to notice.

“How has your morning been?” he asked as he walked out of the office. You followed him.

“Um, it’s been ok, I guess.”

Tyler stopped walking and turned to face you. His eyebrows were furrowed.

“You know I don’t believe that for a second.”

You sighed. There was no way Tyler would let you just brush this entire situation off.

“My morning has been awful, and it seems like no matter what I try to do to feel better, I always end up in the same spot.”

“You tried your favorite movie?”

“Yeah.”

“And you went on a drive?”

“Uh huh.”

“Did you take a bath?”

“Ty, trust me, I tried everything.”

He sighed and rubbed a hand along the back of his neck, “There has to be something we can do to help you feel better. Do you want me to grab my uke?”

“I don’t think it’s going to help,” you shrugged. “Nothing else has worked.”

“Then we’ll find a way to make it work.”

“We really don’t have to. I can just ride this out. I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.”

“Absolutely not,” Tyler said, taking hold of your hand. “I don’t want to see you spend the rest of today miserable.”

You allowed Tyler to pull you towards the music room, as reluctant about this entire plan as you were. He sat you down in a chair and then crossed the room to grab his ukulele from its spot. Just being with Tyler had already made you feel a little better, but you were still far from feeling ok.

“Alright, we need to make this special,” Tyler muttered, more to himself than anything.

He was wandering around the room, obviously lost in thought as he tuned his ukulele. You watched him as you absentmindedly swayed from side to side in the chair.

“I’ve got it,” he smiled after a few minutes of contemplation. “Come on.”

You sighed as you got out of the chair and followed Tyler back into the living room. He stopped right in the middle of the room.

“What are we doing?” you asked.

“Put your hands on my shoulders.”

“What?”

“Put your hands on my shoulders. You know, like when we slow dance.”

“Why?”

“It’s all part of the plan.”

“Ok,” you said, although you still weren’t really sure what was going on.

Tyler began to strum on his ukulele and you instantly recognized the opening chords of the song. It was the song that had been playing when you first met and, coincidentally, one of your favorite songs. Tyler began to sway a little as he played his uke, prompting you to do the same.

It was hard not to laugh as you thought of how dorky the two of you must look from an outside perspective. Tyler noticed this, but he just continued to play the song with a smile on his face. You began to loosen up a little and sway a bit more.

“There’s that smile that I love,” Tyler said once he finished the song.

“Who knew that slow dancing in the living room would be so effective?”

“Me,” he grinned before giving you another kiss. “Do you want me to play another song?”

“I would love that.”

“Ty!” you laughed as he went jumping over the back of the couch.

“What?” he grinned as he landed somewhat gracefully.

“Be careful!”

“Sorry, I just got really into it,” he laughed.

You and Tyler had spent the last two hours singing and dancing to any song that you could think of. The worries that had plagued your mind throughout the morning were long gone, now replaced with song lyrics and watching Tyler’s stunts in the living room.

“We should probably make dinner soon,” you said with a glance at the clock. “I’m getting hungry… and tired.”

Tyler stuck out his bottom lip, “Can I play you one more song?”

“One more,” you said, although you would willingly listen to him play music for as long as he would let you.

“Ok, come over here and sit.”

You took a seat on the couch across from Tyler.

“I don’t know if this really qualifies as a love song, but I still want to play it for you,” he said.

You sat and listened intently as Tyler played Build Me Up Buttercup for you. It was impossible to keep the smile off of your face as he smiled like an idiot throughout the entire performance. He bit his lip as he played the final chord and looked up at you.

“I love you, buttercup,” he smiled.

“I love you too, darling,” you giggled.

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your lips. You should have known that Tyler would be able to cheer you up in an instant, no matter how bad you had been feeling.

“Let me go put this away and then we can start dinner,” he said.

“Ok.”

“So, are you feeling any better?” Tyler asked as he returned from putting his uke away.

“Much better, thanks to you,” you smiled.

“That’s what I like to hear,” he said.

You stood up and joined Tyler in the kitchen. He immediately wrapped an arm around you and pulled you into his side as some form of a hug.

“Thank you so much, Ty.”

“I would do anything just to see you smile.”

You leaned against his shoulder and smiled, wondering how you had gotten lucky enough to find someone who loved you so much.

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ancientbooshartifacts · 5 years

Text

Ask Naboo

Author: Nonexistantpup

Year: 2010

Rating: PG

Characters/Pairings: Naboo, Bollo, Spider Dijon, Rudi Van DiSarzio, The Braincell, Howince, Moss/Roy

Bollo slid his glasses up to his forehead and rubbed his hairy temples with two fingers. “It no good,” he said with a frown. Naboo looked up, annoyed. He was busy relaxing and smoking and hated to be interrupted. “What’s no good?” “Books no add up,” Bollo said. He sigh. “Bollo warn Naboo that monkeys not make good book keeper.” “What are you saying?” asked Naboo, with an impending feeling of doom. He’d have said he had a bad feeling, but didn’t want to steal Bollo's favourite phrase. “Need money,” Bollo explained. “Stop paying the losers workin’ downstairs then,” said Naboo. “Done that. Sold beach house too. No more money. What else can Naboo spare?” Naboo frowned. There was his submarine, but he never felt comfortable without one of them in the house. His Rudi & Spider memorabilia couldn't go either, of course, and his rug collection was pretty vital. “We better fix this,” he said unhelpfully. “Otherwise I’ll have to sell you, Bollo.” Bollo paled. Or - well, he didn't really pale. His fur remained the same colour. He seemed unnerved, however. “But - Naboo need familiar!” “I know,” said Naboo. He tapped his chin. “We need make money.” Naboo clicked his tongue and took another drag from his hookah. “I suppose I can go back into pop psychiatry,” he said thoughtfully. “I do sort of miss it. Hearing about peoples’ problems. Imparting wisdom. The regular income...” “What about Bollo?” asked Bollo. Naboo shrugged. “You could be my editor.” Bollo seemed appeased by this idea, and put his glasses back down onto the table. “Now,” said Naboo, “Call up the newspapers and tell them I'm willing to reinstate my relationships column." Dear Naboo, I can’t fulfill my partner’s sexual needs anymore; I'm exhausted! If it was just a good, hard romp four or five times a day, it would be no problem, but he’s practically insatiable! He has eight cocks, you see, which means every time we make love, we do it eight times in a row, each time lasting at least a month and a half. Now, I'm not great at mathematics, but I contacted a local mathematician, who informs me that 4 x 8 x 1.5 equals 48. Which means that every day, I have sex for over forty-eight months - in other words, more than four years! I'm exhausted! What should I do? - A Worn-Out Woman ‘Worn-Out Woman’, As I see it, your options are threefold. 1. Dump the freak and get some sleep. 2. Let me tell you the story of the broken flute. Once upon a time, there was a flute. One day, he tripped over one of his shoelaces and fell onto the footpath, breaking to pieces instantly. All the little shards of flute were scattered all over the place, causing passing bare-footed pedestrians to cut their feet. One of these pedestrians happened to be a passing eccentric billionare, who limped home, not realising the shard was still in his foot. The shard of flute had never been in a mansion before, and hopped off gleefully to look around, and liked the place so much that, that night, it cut the millionaire's throat while he slept and inherited his entire fortune. See what I'm sayin’? 3. Get over it. Sure, it may be hard to deal with at times. I get that. But think about it, yeah? You’ve got a man who alters the very laws of physics, the axioms of reality, just in order to have enough time to spend in the sack with you every day. There’s not many men who would do that. Love, Naboo

= =

To Naboo, How can I make my boyfriend take our relationship more seriously? I mean, we have so much fun together and I know he cares about me, and yet whenever people ask him about me, he lies as if he’s ashamed, saying he is merely changing one of my strings. I love him, but if this doesn’t change, I don’t think I can go on seeing him. Please save our relationship? - Irritated Instrument Irritated Instrument, I had a similar conundrum in the forties, as it happens, when my girlfriend at the time wouldn't admit to being deeply in love with our cutlery drawer. They got together eventually, and are still together today, I believe, and expecting their second child. There are two options I can reccommend: 1. Don’t give up! If he cares for you, he will come through. Speak to him openly and honestly and tell him how you feel. 2. Give up! He’s a loser who seems to enjoy getting off with inanimate objects anyway. Find somebody more your type - a cello or perhaps a ukulele if you’re strung that way. Love, Naboo = = Deer Naboo, It’s got to the point where I just don’t no what to do anymore. I am married with children, yet I can’t seem to think of anything except the other people I’d like to shag and how much the drudgery of an unhappy marriage is marring my carefully pampered image. It would be alright, you know, but the person I’d really ideally like to fool around with just sees me as her boss. I’ve tried everything! I invited her to work late, and she worked late. I told her she was cute and she said ‘thank you’. I even custom-designed a sparkly soot, just to get her attention, but she still doesn't notice me. I'm starting to doubt my dead sexiness and although I know I have quite an important job, my work ethic is crumbling like a fresh piece of shortbread. What can I do?! - Suffering Cell Suffering Cell, I have some words of wisdom for you, although I can’t be sure they will be anything new. You have not been specific about many of your problems, but my crystal ball has kindly filled in most of the blanks. What you must consider very seriously is this tale - the tale of the ant and the grasshopper. Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper. They were experiencing a fruitful summer. For the whole season, the ant worked hard, storing up food for the winter while the grasshopper just hung around smoking joints and watching the telly, not collecting any food except for what he wanted to eat that day. The ant warned him that laziness came with consequences, but the grasshopper didn't care. When winter came, the ant had a huge stockpile of food - enough to keep it and its family nourished all the way through until spring, while the grasshopper was left outside, cold and hungry. He had run out of weed and the electric company disconnected his telly. Desperate, he knocked on the ant’s front door to beg for food, but frustrated with the grasshopper’s lack of responsibility, the ant said he would only share his family’s food if the grasshopper sold his body, prostituting himself off to the ant in exchange for food. The grasshopper, who wasn’t into that kind of thing (in fact, he was a bit of a prude) turned away in disgust, and the very next day he hopped aboard a plane, smuggling himself in the luggage of a slightly inebriated badger. He found himself on the other side of the world, where it was summer and food was plentiful, paid his way out of debt quickly and hired a lawyer so he could sue the ant for sexual harassment. I hope this has cleared some things up for you. Love, Naboo.

= = Alright, Naboo? Probably are. You seem to be pretty on top of things, being a shaman and that. Anyway, I live with a friend of mine who drives me nuts. He has no taste in clothes or music (ie. wears tweed and listens to jazz), is finicky (ie. Control Freak!) and I just fancy the pants off him. Well - not literally. Do you think it would be possible for me to actually do that though? But that’s not my question. See, he's taken to walking around the place wearing nothing. Well, nothing except this monocle of his - something to do with ‘going au naturale with class’. Whatever the reason behind it, it’s making me mental. I can’t even fancy the pants off him from afar, because a whole lot of the time he ain’t wearing them to begin with! So, what do you reckon? - A Very Randy Socialite Very Randy Socialite, You batty crease. Can't you tell? He's trying to seduce you. Just don't do anything unless you're sure there’s nobody else in the house, yeah? Love, Naboo P.S. I mean it. If I hear you two humping away in the next room, I'm throwing you out on your naked arses. I don't need that shit.

= =

Dear Naboo, I'm having the most awful trouble getting girls. See, I'm not bad to look at and I'm a clever, sensitive man, but none of them will look past my career. I am a homocidal maniac (hoping to climb the ladder and become an official genocidal maniac). I can't give that up! How can I get girls to accept me? - Bloody Lonely Bloody Lonely, I had a friend with the same problem. He worked in Dickson’s and girls could never come to terms with it, judging him and all that. Here's some wisdom that helped him and will hopefully do the same for you. This is the story of the green crow. Once upon a time, there was a crow. He was a normal crow, except for the fact that he was green and looked like a big, feathered, mouldy potato. In fact, one day Marilyn Manson saw him and was so disgusted that he kicked the poor crow into the recycling bin at a local primary school. The green crow was very upset, especially since he was such a huge Marilyn Manson fan he had a milky lens in one eye and hadn't drunk any water since 1997. Depressed, he sat in the recycling bin for days, ‘caw’ing miserably. On the fourth day, however, a whole lot of colourful craft paper cuttings rained down on him. The green crow was newly inspired. He found some old chewing gum and made himself a turban and cloak out of the colourful paper. From that day on, everybody treated him with respect because they thought he was a mouldy, green, feathered shaman and Marilyn Manson issued a public apology. That should clear up your problems. Love, Naboo.

= =

To Sir/Madam (I'm sorry, your name is quite androgynous), I must admit I am quite distressed. My best friend and I are always doing things together. We should be seeing girls but instead we’re always in each other’s company like an old married couple. I'm at the end of my tether. Thank you in advance, - In A Flippin’ Rut In A Flippin’ Rut, The answer to your problem is so simple, I'm frankly staggered that you’ve even found the need to ask my advice. Obviously, you and your best friend are meant to be together. The real problem is just that you have all the elements of a successful marriage except for a healthy sex life. So, you know. Get it on. Duh! Love, Naboo P.S. I do have more specific advice regarding what you should do, but it is inappropriate material to have published here. Send me a private email and I shall tell you the story of the phallus-shaped coral.

= =

Dear Naboo, Just what kind of an advice columnist are you? My friend wrote to you, complaining that we can't meet anyone because we're "like an old married couple" and you send him some story about coral willies and tell him to seduce me in the most disgusting way imaginable. You are obviously a pervert and shouldn't be allowed to give advice to anyone. -Thoroughly Repulsed P.S. Just to clear things up, we are NOT like a married couple in any way.

= =

Thoroughly Repulsed, That’s gratitude for you. From your indignation, it’s pretty clear to me that the seduction worked. If you wanted it to happen in another way - one that perhaps didn't involve an aquarium, smelling salts or three feet of chicken wire - you should have stepped up and made the first move on your ‘friend’ long ago. What are you, some kind of selfish, absent-minded, narcissistic slacker? You pompous bloody wanker. Love, Naboo P.S. Whatever. P.P.S. Bite me. P.P.P.S. Prick. P.P.P.P.S. Watch your step, yeah? Or I will turn my back on you.

= =

Naboo, I'll have you know that the seduction did NOT work. What I saw when I got into work this morning made me want to vomit. It's pretty clear to me that you're a wanker with nothing better to do than corrupt perfectly nice people with your kinky fantasies. My friend and I haven't spoken to each other all day and it's been very awkward for the both of us. I hope you're happy. -Repulsed P.S. You're the prick. And how dare you call me narcissistic.

#the mighty boosh #mighty boosh #boosh #naboo #naboo the enigma #the braincell #rudi van disarzio #spider dijon #vince noir #howard moon #howince #vince noir/howard moon #vince/howard #the it crowd #it crowd #maurice moss #roy trenneman #moss/roy #maurice moss/roy trenneman

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moonbokrk · 6 years

Text

MGA Season 4 || Episode 2

Panel Audition - Rapping and Singing

Song: Spring Day - BTS (02:04-03:34 [sped up slightly for time])

Style: x [Pretend his hair is wavy ahahaha]

Everything in the house had been regulated to mere white noise when Moonbok saw himself appear on the television. He... He’d made it? He’d actually gotten past the first round of auditions despite his inexperience?! After he’d nearly made a fool of himself during his rap audition and his singing audition hadn’t been anything spectacular? It felt surreal and all Moonbok could do was stare blankly at his own image on the screen.

Then the moment was broken by Chaewon’s shrieking; his little sister nearly sending the both of them off the sofa with the force of the hug she gave him, even while delivering a dire warning to Moonbok that he’d better not lose to Junmyeon. It was almost a rib crushing hug, but it let Moonbok realize that he wasn’t dreaming. That this was really happening.

He had taken the first step. No matter what, this was just the beginning.

Arriving at the studio, Moonbok flicked through his Instagram and twitter feeds, still somewhat stunned that he’d gotten so many new followers in such a short space of time. Hopefully he wouldn’t be letting them down. Stretching and hiding a yawn in case any of the cameras were filming, Moonbok adjusted the glasses he’d chosen over his normal contact lenses. Hopefully, they’d add a certain cute charm to his appearance, given what Mnet seemed to have already set up for him and Junmyeon. He then reached up and undid his braid, letting his now wavy hair flow around his face. Checking his reflection using the selfie-mode (yet again) on his phone, he deemed himself as looking as best as possible, given that he’d spent half the previous night staring blankly at the ceiling.

Casting his eyes around the room, Moonbok smiled as he spotted some familiar faces in the growing crowd. There was Changmin, who was starting to get a little overexcited, though he wasn’t as bad as Lee Daehwi, who looked ready to explode. As he promptly engaged Changmin in conversation once the younger boy had spotted him, Moonbok kept glancing around the room, as the rest of the contestants filtered in. Some of them pairing off into small groups (one of which Daehwi was included in, much to Moonbok’s relief) others kept to themselves, no doubt rehearsing their performances in their head.

The arrival of past contestants caused a slight stir, with some of the newbies looking either intimidated or disgruntled that previous MGA contestants were allowed to participate on the same level. Although Moonbok had no particular problem with it, he could see their point. Alas, he was too starstruck by the appearances of Kim Sua and Kim Hyuna, though he tried to keep his face in as calm and carefree expression as possible. Before he’d even realized how much time had passed, Moonbok felt his stomach lurch as they were all called into the recording studio. Now it was really happening.

***

Eyes wide, Moonbok couldn’t help but swivel his head around the studio, glad he wasn’t the only one who seemed to have their breath taken away. The sight of the five managers arriving to the top table sent a flash of both excitement and anxiety through him, and Moonbok swallowed hard, resisting the urge to run a hand through his hair. (If only to keep it from being messed up after all the effort he’d put into it the previous night)

“This is really getting serious, isn’t it?” he muttered to himself, stomach clenching once more as he followed the progress of Baek Jiyoung and Tiger JK as they took their seats. The CEOs of the two companies he’d do anything for to be able to sign with were less than twenty steps away from the stage. Less than twenty steps from him, once it was his turn.

In a way, Moonbok was glad he was one of the first to perform; the thought of being the one of last made his heart race. That said, his heart was racing anyways; after all, as one of the first performers, he and the others would set the tone for the audition. What if he messed up like he felt he had during the first round?

Making his way to his designated seat, he couldn’t help but clutch at it in slight fear. He desperately tried to remember the tip Lee Sunmi had given him over twitter. Taking a deep breath, Moonbok prayed silently until he was able to unclench his hands from the bottom of the chair and bring them to his knees. Finally calm again, he was able to return Doyeon’s smile and wish of good luck before his eyes turned sharp as the panel auditions began, analyzing his competition.

And what competition he was up against. The fact that there were so many dancers made Moonbok regret not trying to come up with a choreography of his own, but perhaps it was the best. Given his luck, he’d end up on his ass three seconds in, and goodbye MGAs. Junmyeon’s performance cause his anxiety to rare its head up once again, that shot of the both of them from the first episode replaying in his mind, forcing him to to close his eyes tightly for a moment while he murmured his mantra yet again. That said, Yongguk’s ukulele playing made him break out in a grin and he was captivated until the end of the performance and his own name was suddenly called out.

Oh God. This was it, no turning back now. Once again, he replayed Sunmi’s words in his mind as he approached the stage, letting out a breath as he took his place.

“You are the BEST thing to walk in there until you sabotage yourself.”

In position, Moonbok turned his head towards the top table, he smiled and offered a slight wave to the CEOs before speaking; glad that his voice was still steady, despite his nerves, even if he could tell his cheeks were bright red.

“Hello, I’m Jang Moonbok, aged 22! It’s an honor to be here and I hope I can live up to everyone’s expectations~” Laughing softly, still amazed about some of the comments about him floating about him online. But this was no time to become distracted by that, not if he wanted to progress.

“Today, I’ll be rapping and singing along to BTS’ Spring Day. ....And I hope you don’t mind me dedicating it to my cousin who lives outside Korea.”

Closing his eyes and taking a breath in, missing any reaction to his statement; instead imagining his cousin was standing beyond the camera and grinning at him, Moonbok let out his breath and threw himself into the song.

Did you change? Or did I change? I hate even this moment that is passing I guess we changed I guess that’s how everything is

Yeah I hate you Although you left There hasn’t been a day that I have forgotten you Honestly, I miss you But now I’ll erase you Because that will hurt less than resenting you

Despite the harsh words of the rap and his tone of voice, nothing could have been further than the truth. He didn’t hate his cousin for leaving, how could he? It had just been circumstances. But the sadness still lingered. Moonbok could feel the emotion creeping into his voice, but instead of letting it overwhelm him like last time, he simply let the emotions wash over him and flow through the rap.

I’m blowing out the cold you Like smoke, like white smoke I say that I’m gonna erase you But actually, I still can’t let you go

As the rap shifted to singing, Moonbok’s tone and previous wild gestures shifted with it, almost become demure. His voice took on a soft tone, louder than a whisper, but quieter than his rap. Smiling inwardly at the noises of astonishment behind him (after all, the other contestants had only seen his rap audition), Moonbok let his voice raise in volume but still stay soft as the song built up to the chorus.

Snowflakes are falling Getting farther away I miss you (I miss you) I miss you (I miss you) How much more do I have to wait? How many more nights do I have to stay up? Until I can see you? (until I can see you?) Until I can meet you? (until I can meet you?)

He couldn’t dance, of course. He wasn’t even going to try. But that didn’t stop him from swaying on stage to the rhythm of the song, letting himself get lost in it. One hand on his heart, the other stretched out as though he was reaching for his cousin beyond the camera, Moonbok had a tender smile on his face as he sang. Lost enough in the lyrics to keep the anxiety at bay, but still focused enough to ground himself firmly in the present moment, he took in a breath as his edited version of the song came to its finale.

You know it all You’re my best friend The morning will come again Because no darkness, no season Can last forever

Despite all the practice he’d put into this final stanza, his voice still cracked slightly at the final note, making Moonbok flush again. Hopefully it wouldn’t have detracted from his performance too much. Not that he was about to let himself get into that mindset. He wasn’t going to let his anxiety ruin this for him. Not until he was out of sight of the cameras, at least.

“Thank you for listening to me.” He bows to the CEOs and his fellow contestants, smiling as he heard the applause. Had he really done that well? “I hope you enjoyed listening to me as much as I enjoyed performing for you all!” Suddenly giddy, he turned to the others and the cameras around them, and pumped a fist into the air. “Everyone, fighting!” Grinning at the laughter and applause that met his sudden declaration, he bowed once more before returning to his seat, letting out a slightly shaky breath as he sat down, trembling slightly as the adrenaline rush began to fade. Resting his chin on his folded hands, Moonbok watched the rest of the performances intently, giving both Changmin and Daehwi enthusiastic applause as they showed off their skills, firmly pushing the feelings of worry over whether he was actually go enough to be amongst them out of his head once.

In the end, he’d given it his best shot. He just had to pray now that his best was good enough.

[Word Count: 1,605 words]

#rkmga4 #rkmga4panel #wc: 1605 #;; Solo #(Cries a lot it's finally done dsfjksdkjf)#(That word count is WITHOUT the lyrics and Sunmi's advice too I'm suffering)#(Otherwise it would have been just under 1820 words dfhdsk)#(Moonbok I love you but why do you torture me like this??)#(Anyways; le mentions!)#rkxsua #changminxrk #rkdaehwi #hyunark #rkmiya

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samuelfields · 7 years

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Financial Samurai 2017 Year In Review: The Most Difficult Best Year Ever

Happy 2018 Everyone!

Since the year doesn’t really start until the second week of January, I’ve decided to spend more time reflecting. Hopefully you will too on a tropical island somewhere.

Before 2017, the best year of my life was when I got married on a cozy beach in Oahu. It was a simple wedding with only 16 family members in attendance. There was a gentle breeze that rustled the palm leaves while a ukulele player played Somewhere Over The Rainbow. The ceremony was simple, yet so beautiful.

No moment ever topped that day until our son was born last Spring. The birth went smoothly and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief both mama and baby were safe and healthy. We feel so blessed to have him in our lives.

Despite all my preparation, I still underestimated how difficult it would be to work 15 hours every day for months on end. I worked in banking where 15 hour days were the norm. But even in banking, we got at least one day off a week. Further, nobody works every single minute they’re at work. With parenthood, one look away could spell disaster.

Constant sleep deprivation killed my mood. No longer did I have the desire or creativity to spend several hours writing a post. No longer did I have the patience to deal with annoying people. Yet we had to forge on like all newborn parents do to make sure our baby was properly cared for.

If it wasn’t for my wife, we wouldn’t have a precious son. And if it wasn’t for my wife, there would be no Financial Samurai because she started taking over the entire night after he was three months old. Therefore, I thank my wife for everything she has done and apologize for all the times I was unpleasant. She is the sweetest, loveliest, kindest person I know who deserves a partner who always treats her well. I will do better. I promise!

Financial Samurai 2017 Year In Review

When I re-read my goals for 2017 post with the theme, “Always Be Grinding,” I was surprised to read how enthusiastic I was, yet I didn’t take any outsized investment risk. In fact, I took risk exposure down by 17.5% after selling a rental house. It was the classic believing in one thing, but taking no corresponding action.

Here’s what I wrote in the beginning of 2017:

“I haven’t been this excited since I first got a job out of college when the sky was the limit. For the past 10 years or so, I’ve been questioning what’s the point of working so hard if the government is just going to take more from us than what we’re able to keep. To finally get some potential tax relief is thrilling!”

Despite my excitement, I didn’t pile into stocks because I’m always skeptical of what politicians can accomplish. Instead, I invested $250,000 in a real estate crowdsourcing because I believed the Red States would benefit from a Trump presidency and invested just $41,000 in stocks for 1Q2017 out of $611,000 total.

But what I did do right was focus on my largest asset, which is now my online business. I upped production in the first quarter and saw a 48% rise in revenue and an even larger increase in operating profits due to the beauty of fixed costs. Operational leverage truly is one of the best reasons for running an online business.

Despite only seeing a 15.87% return on my public investments for 2017, my online business more than made up for the slack. If you can consistently grow your most valuable asset at a faster pace than every other asset class over the long term, I dare say you will one day do your family proud.

Here’s a review of the specific goals I made in 2017.

Business Goals

1) Focus on growth by broadening the audience. I’ve received plenty of feedback that I need to write more for the mass market. Even though my advice holds true whether you have $1,000,000 to invest or $10,000 to invest, readers have told me they can’t get their heads around larger numbers.

Failed. I tried my best to write more about budgeting and savings, but I only ended up writing five new posts on this topic out of 175. Two of the posts probably don’t even count: Stop Frugality From Leading To Lifestyle Deflation and Millennial Avocado Toast Analysis. The only post I feel can help the mass market is: Housing Expense Guideline For Financial Independence. I doubt my audience broadened very much, but at least traffic grew by 20%.

2) Publish a new ebook by July 18, 2017. Despite the rise in interest rates, it still takes a gargantuan amount of money to generate $1,000 a month in passive income – we’re talking $300,000 in capital at a 4% gross yield.

Failed. I worked with several folks to put together a Financial Samurai real estate book in the first half of the year, but lost steam once my baby was born. It’s still a no-brainer to produce online products once you’ve developed a brand and a following, but time is at a premium.

Related: Ranking The Best Passive Income Investments

3) Focus on three business partnerships. I’ve got about 10 business partnerships with Financial Samurai right now. As the main writer and business development guy, it’s very easy to get spread too thin. So I need to focus.

Failed. I worked on developing a better relationship with two business partners, but not three. I’m not sure what the right business partnership is for my new category: family finances. If there are any business out there who want to make me a pitch, I’m all ears. My goal is for each product to provide maximum value at minimal to no cost, just like this site.

4) Send two to four e-mails a month. I’ve been paying $150 a month to send out only one newsletter a month for the past couple of years. What an underutilization of resources. I plan to write shorter, punchier e-mails to connect with all my newsletter subscribers.

Passed. I averaged sending 2.5 newsletters a month for the year. I’ve done a poor job growing my e-mail subscriber list compared to the amount of traffic I get for this site. It’s probably because I just don’t care for selling anything to anybody.

Personal Financial Goals

5) Create a million bucks of wealth. My goal in 2016 was to grow my net worth by $500,000 because I had a neutral outlook. Given I’m now bullish on my business, it’s only logical to shoot higher.

Passed. With the way most asset classes have performed this year, it wasn’t hard to generate a lot of wealth, especially if you’ve spent 20 years accumulating a financial nut large enough to retire on back in 2012. I received some interesting offers for this site for multiple millions of dollar, but I turned them all down. You should only buy, never sell a high margin, cash flow positive business that can be done anywhere in the world with minimal maintenance.

Related: The First Million Might Be The Easiest

6) Invest at least $20,000 a month without fail. The $20,000 a month doesn’t have to be in the stock market. It can be in bonds, real estate crowdsourcing, private equity, private debt, or paying down a mortgage.

Passed. I ended up investing $39,609 of new money on average a month for a total of $475,319. At the same time, I was able to strengthen my balance sheet by adding around $450,000 in cash and paying off $916,000 in mortgage debt due to the sale of my rental home.

Related: Investment Lessons From A Surreal 2017

7) Start earning $20,000 a month in passive/semi-passive income by year end. My passive income is currently averaging about $17,600 a month over the past six months. To increase my passive income by $2,400 a month, I’ve got to publish my real estate book by year end, market it well and update my severance negotiation book for 2017.

Failed. Since I didn’t publish a new book, I didn’t receive new passive income. In fact, my passive income dropped because I sold my rental home that was generating over $60,000 a year net (rental property #3) and one of my CDs came due. With $800,000 invested in equity real estate crowdfunded projects, there is the potential to earn a 8% – 15% IRR in 4-5 years. With $600,000 invested in municipal bonds, I should earn $15,000 – $20,000 in after tax income a year. I’ll be updating my passive income numbers for 2018.

8) Spend like I’ll be dead within 10 years. I’ve been frugal my whole life. It’s one of the main reasons why I was able to hit the eject button at 34. But, I’ll be 40 in 2017 so it’s time to live it up for the second half of my life. You don’t have to be as stealth in middle age because people are more accepting of those who’ve spent 20+ years working.

Pass. I bought two big ticket items in 2017: 1) a $16,000 hot tub, and 2) a $58,000 vehicle in cash to keep the family safe with zero regrets. I don’t miss my Honda Fit, especially since it began having starter problems towards the end. Further, there is no way I would feel safe driving Baby Samurai in a hatchback. The hot tub is the best lifestyle investment ever. I average five hours a week soaking after tennis and softball. I can’t wait for the entire family to have fun talking story in the hot tub one day.

Related: When Is It OK To Forsake Stealth Wealth And Spend Up?

9) Don’t chase the stock market. Although I’m bullish on my business, I’m lukewarm on the stock market and the economy due to valuations, political uncertainty, and the prospect of higher interest rates squeezing consumption.

Failed. I chased the stock market because I didn’t invest enough during the first half of the year. This was the first time in history the S&P 500 didn’t have a down month. At the end of the day, my public investments returned 15.78%, so the chasing wasn’t that bad. If I didn’t have a huge influx of cash during the summer after the home sale, my investments would look more balanced.

Related: The Proper Asset Allocation Of Stocks And Bonds By Age

Personal Goals

10) Scare myself out of my comfort zone. I haven’t been personally challenged in a long time. With a portfolio of over 1,300 posts on Financial Samurai, I know with decent confidence that if I write 152 new posts a year, I should be able to grow traffic and revenue by ~10% a year if I do nothing else. But writing 2-4X a week is an easy goal to achieve.

Passed. I finally started the Financial Samurai iTunes channel, whoo hoo! Too bad it only works on mobile and tablets, and not on the desk top for some reason. In the future, I hope to have my wife join me on the podcast and interview other people as well. It’s hard for me to speak eloquently, but I know after one year of practice I will get better.

11) Really make a difference in 12 people’s lives. At the end of the day, the best feeling in the world is when a reader sends a private e-mail or writes a comment that says how much a particular article or the site in general has helped them achieve their dreams.

Pass. I’ve received over 70 e-mails and comments from readers this year who said something nice about how a particular FS article helped them get their finances in order or improve their lives for the better. These are truly the most gratifying and motivating reasons why I continue to write so much.

I also spent three months coaching high school kids tennis, which was awesome. We got to the district finals and achieved the best record in the school’s long history! The best moment was when a senior, who had never won a big match before, won a huge rubber match in front of his mom and he ran to give me a hug afterward.

Finally, I finally became a foster kid mentor. It took about eight hours of training and testing, which is probably one of the reasons why more people don’t do it. But the training is important given how precarious and important the situation is to take care of innocent kids who find themselves in a suboptimal situation. I’ve seen my foster kid five times now, and taught him how to ride his bike with no hands. So priceless! I can’t share details, but he’s a wonderful boy who wants to be a YouTube Gamer. It’s awesome that he already knows that creating content is much better than consuming content!

Giving shakas after learning how to ride a bike with no hands – December 28, 2017 at 12:35pm

12) Start a family. My wife and I feel we’ve done everything we’ve wanted to do as adults. We’ve both engineered our layoffs. We don’t have the itch to travel much anymore. We have no desire to climb anybody else’s corporate ladder. After two years, our house is finally remodeled to the way we want. We have a digital business that allows us to be present for our child. Finally, we’ve developed a steady stream of passive income that should support a family of up to four.

Passed. I already knew my wife was pregnant when I wrote my 2017 goals, but you just never know until the baby is delivered. Based on research, speaking to hundreds of other couples, and personal experience, there are often complications that occur during pregnancy. If you’ve decided you want to start a family and have your finances in order, do not wait another day.

Related: What’s The Best Age To Have A Baby? A Biological And Economical Analysis

Thanks Again For A Great 2017!

Despite all the craziness that went on in 2017, the one thing I will always clearly remember is the birth of our son just like how all I remember during the financial crisis was our quaint wedding.

It was hard to not only keep up the posting frequency on Financial Samurai, but to actually double production in order to buy more time in the future. This is where I really messed up because I didn’t maximize the purpose of our lifestyle business: to provide for a better life.

Instead of being so focused about protecting my family’s future by working so much, I should have spent more time enjoying the present. Life speed accelerates. Some changes will be made! Stay tuned for my 2018 goals and outlook post.

Readers, how was your 2017? What were your hits and misses?

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