#I wanna be able to read a physics chapter and just immediately absorb everything from the first pass

[idontmindifuforgetme]

How the fuck do I think more like a physicist

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twelve

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: this took so long bc ive been reading chain of iron and in general agonizing over things i cant control instead of being productive 🥴 that being said, absolutely none of the events in this chapter were planned in my outline, but here we are with something new!

***

December brings more snow and bone chilling weather, to the point where Cassian has to drag Nesta out of bed, either physically or by phone call, to get her to therapy appointments on time. 

She’s in the waiting room one freezing morning when, in her utter boredom, she musters up the nerve to turn to the girl sitting next to her. “What are you in here for?”

The girl blinks her large blue eyes, taking notice of Nesta for the first time. Nesta uses the opportunity to take in her freckle-painted face, a little wan but beautiful. Reddish brown hair hangs around her face and shoulders, creating a thick curtain from the rest of the world, and Nesta’s curiosity piques like she’s just found a shiny new toy.

It probably isn’t right to compare people to toys, but then the girl says, “This isn’t prison, you know.” Her voice is deep, almost sultry— completely at odds from her huddled-in posture and sickened expression. “I didn’t commit a crime to have to be here.”

Is she insulted by Nesta’s question, or is she poking a joke? Nesta decides to play it safe by murmuring, “Sorry, never mind.”

She starts to turn away when the girl says, “We’re trying a new type of trauma therapy today. I had to get here half an hour early because I couldn’t swallow my nerves.”

Nesta might lack many social skills, but she isn’t stupid enough to ask what kind of trauma the girl is being treated for. Instead, she nods casually as if she understands the struggle. “I’ve been coming here for weeks now and I’ve barely discussed shit. That’s mostly on me, but you know…” She actually doesn’t know where she’s going with her train of thought. “It sounds brave to do whatever you're doing,” she states finally. “I don’t think I’ll be able to open up that much about myself, ever.” 

The girl gives Nesta a weird look that she immediately recognizes. Nesta uses it every time she doesn’t know how to respond to someone who takes her by surprise.

The door to Lana’s office clicks open, and the woman herself pokes her head out with a plain smile. “Ready, Nesta?”

Nesta bites down on her frown. She has a feeling today won’t be as easy as her past sessions.

She’s about to leave without another glance at the girl beside her when that low voice speaks up. “I’m Gwyn.”

Nesta looks back at her as she gets up from her chair, and says the first reply that comes to mind: “Good to know.”

***

Nesta is contemplative hours after she gets back from her therapy session, bundled up in her bed with a coloring book. The repetitive motion of filling in the mandala drawing lets her mind wander, picking up and dropping different thoughts like she’s inspecting stones. 

She keeps her wrist light as she colors in with red. She finally said Tomas’s name in therapy today, though the action left a slimy feeling in Nesta’s stomach that lingers even now. She also spoke about her sisters, which somehow ended up leading to a discussion of her uterus. 

“How have you been dealing with the endometriosis news?”

Nesta shrugged. “I’m getting treated, and my last period was more bearable than usual—”

“I mean mentally, how are you doing? With how your condition could affect your future?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes. “Affect me how?”

“Have you never considered the impact it could have on your ability to bear children?”

“Not everything in life is about bearing children, you know.”

“We’re humans. It’s definitely something to consider.”

“Not for me. I’ve never wanted kids.” A mistruth at best. “I don’t care what endo does or doesn’t do to me on those grounds.”

In a way, Nesta told herself, the health risks were actually for the best. If she ever did, by some stupid loss of sanity, try to have children, then her body would act as a safety net from her decisions.

Lana only said, “You’ll never know how much you care or don’t care until you talk out your feelings.”

“Then I guess we’ll never know.”

Nesta lets the memory of that conversation drop like a stone on a shore. That’s not something she has to face for a good long while. No, right now she has to face her past. 

Her sisters, and her ex, and even her father— 

I wonder if I came off too strong with Gwyn today. 

Her hand stops drawing, and she switches out her red marker for an orange one. This thought she doesn’t mind inspecting for a little longer: she and Gwyn ended up leaving their sessions at the same time, which meant they were forced into stilted conversation on the way down to the parking lot. 

Not forced, Nesta self-corrects. She willingly initiated a conversation, and it didn’t go terribly. She wonders if making friends in therapy waiting rooms is a real thing.

Her phone vibrates beside her, breaking her hours-long mental bubble. Blinking dazedly, she answers the phone call.

“How are you?” is the first thing Cassian says to her. He makes sure to ask her that at least twice a day, like a gauging of her temperature. It makes Nesta wonder what she’s ever done in her life to call for such… attention to her well-being. 

“I’m good,” she answers honestly. “My head’s a little loud right now, but I don’t mind it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather hear you talk.” She slumps back against her pillows, coloring book forgotten. “What’s up?”

“Ah...” Cassian sounds hesitant for the first time since their relationship started. “It’s just that I haven’t gotten my Christmas decorations up yet, and I was going to ask if you wanted to help.”

Nesta takes a moment to absorb his words. “It’s December fifth,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“You just seem like somebody who does their decorations the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Well, this year is a little different, with you moving out and being busy with school…” He pauses. “I was waiting to do it with you.”

When she doesn’t reply, Cassian adds, “I don’t even know if you care about Christmas. I know you and your family sort of ignored holidays. It’s fine if you don’t want to—”

“I’ll be over right now,” Nesta blurts. 

Half an hour later, Cassian swings open his door with a smug grin on his face; a vast difference from the stammering hesitance he displayed over the phone earlier. Nesta’s own lips want to pull up into a smile just at the sight of him, but she holds back and narrows her eyes instead. “What’s got you so worked up?” she questions as she steps into the warmth of the cabin and out of the freezing cold.

“The way you ran over here as soon as I asked.” He looks her up and down, still amused. “You didn’t even bother to change, did you?”

It’s true: she’s in the same sweatpants and long sleeved tee she wore around home, and her socked feet are shoved into slippers. 

“Get that smirk off your face.” Nesta flicks his nose before tossing her coat off. “If this is a competition about who’s got a bigger puppy-crush for whom, you already won when you delayed putting up your Christmas decorations for me.”

“Fair enough,” he grins. The words send an unexpected pang through Nesta, because it’s partly true, isn’t it? He cares more openly for her than she does for him. 

She looks away in guilt, not knowing how to fix the imbalance. Her eyes land on the living room coffee table, where their half-finished jigsaw puzzle sits. It’s been stored under the couch for the past few weeks, forgotten by Nesta and Cassian alike as they moved on with their lives, but now it’s sitting out again.

“Have you been working on the puzzle without me?” She raises an inquisitive brow, about to feel— hurt.

“Never,” Cassian promises, saving her from that irrational hurt. “I just brought it out because I figured we should get to finishing it one day.”

She pads over to the table, picking up a puzzle piece and turning it over in her hand. “I don’t know if you remember, but we had a terrible time working on this,” she scoffs lightly.

“Oh, I remember,” he says, coming up behind her and stealing the piece from her grasp. “I think it’s safe to say those evenings were the worst fights we’ll ever have together.”

Nesta leans back against Cassian’s chest and hums. “It made us a stronger couple, don’t you think?” She turns her head up and back to meet Cassian’s eyes, finding that he’s already looking down at her.

Hypnotized, she leans into his warmth. She only manages to land the smallest kiss against his lips when his hand squeezes her ass cheek. “You’re here for a job, remember?” He taps her butt before pulling away, gesturing to the Christmas tree in the corner of the living area with his chin. It stands bare. “You do tinsel, I’ll do lights.”

Tinsel is harder to work with than Nesta remembers. She only manages to get half the tree done before plopping onto the Persian rug, exhausted and covered in silvery material. She doesn’t mind laying there while Cassian continues working; it’s her revenge for when he napped on her bed while she moved in.

“You know the stair railings still need to be wreathed, Archeron.”

Nesta declines to respond, tilting her head on the carpet for a better view of her boyfriend’s ass instead. “All this decorating,” she starts. “Is it just for you?”

Cassian turns to her, surprised. “Well…”

She pushes up onto her elbows, catching her mistake. “Are we doing Christmas together? Or are your friends coming over?” She hasn’t bothered to celebrate Christmas in years now, and she doesn’t care much what Cassian’s plans are either way.

“I was hoping for both?” He sounds hesitant. “Christmas Eve is all the way over in Velaris, but I was thinking we could go together, open some presents, and come back and spend Christmas here.”

Nesta purses her lips. She doesn’t actually hate that plan. Both Feyre and Elain have been pestering her with the annual texts asking her to visit for Christmas, and for once, she feels like responding to them. The invitation is more of a formality than an actual request at this point; she doubts her sisters want her there after years of rejections, but… what’s the harm?

“Is that a yes?” Cassian asks at her unreadable face.

“Yes,” she states unflinchingly. She refuses to overthink the possible consequences of this choice and chooses to focus on the broad grin overtaking Cassian’s face. “Really?” he says.

“But there has to be rules.” Nesta sits up fully now. “No one can know we’re together, no matter how much you trust or love them.”

“We already agreed to that, baby.”

Yes, but Nesta knows the secret weighs on him heavier than he shows— even if he agrees with her that it's for the best. “It’ll be different when we’re together in the same room as everyone else,” she says. Cassian wears his beating heart on his sleeve, and she doesn’t think he’s ever had to hide it before.

“You’ll also be different,” she adds. “It’s a huge change of pace.”

Cassian drops the remaining strand of lights and smiles confusedly down at her. “What do you mean, I’ll be different?” He sits across from her, before the blazing fire. 

“You know how you get around your friends.” Nesta shrugs without a thought. “Like your personality readjusts to mirror the people around you. I used to find it a mix of sad and adorable, like a neglected puppy desperate for love, but now I— okay, I still feel the same way.” She waves a hand in a dismissive gesture.

By the look on Cassian’s face, he does not find her words so easily dismissed. 

Coldness curdles in the pit of Nesta’s stomach, the realization that she’s said something wrong. She can’t fix it until she knows where she fucked up, though.

“Is that what you think of me?” Cassian finally says lowly. His usually expressive mouth is drawn tight and narrow. 

“Um… What would you rather I think of you?”

His eyes widen in disbelief. “Seriously, Nesta?”

Nesta’s back stiffens, refusing to cower. “I only described what I’ve observed in the past.”

“And what you observed was a desperate puppy?” His voice is cold in a way she’s never heard before.

Okay, she’s starting to see how that might be offensive. She forges onward, “Tell me what you think about yourself in the presence of your family, then.” It’s a private victory that she says family instead of clown circus. But she’s not trying to turn this into a fight.

Cassian is silent, but his stare continues to rage at her.

“Tell me,” Nesta repeats.

His hands curl into fists on the rug. “I think I’m empathetic, easy to talk to, and easier to be around. Is it a problem if I’m likable?” Unlike you are the unsaid words.

Nesta inspects the space between them like it’s a chessboard. “And what part of yourself are you giving up to be so likable, Cassian?” she says quietly.

“Nothing.”

Nesta disagrees, if only because she’s been watching him out of the corner of her eye for years. “I think you base your personality off of those you love, and you lose a little bit of your true self every time you put others’ needs before your own.” 

She shuts her mouth, not having expected such honesty to come out of it. Cassian is taken aback, too, she can tell.

“And I guess it’s natural that you’d see all of that as a bad thing, considering your history of being closed off and self-serving to a fault,” he fires back with the flatness Nesta utilizes so often.

One for one. Fair enough. “We’re both right then,” Nesta says. “You work for your best friend because you have no ambition beyond serving your family, and I have no such family because I can’t bring myself to care about those things. Are we even now?”

Cassian furrows his brows, those defensive walls melting away as he realizes she’s completely serious. “What? No, Nes—” He shakes his head. “Okay, so maybe you’re right about me. Maybe I agree with you a little bit, but… If we see flaws in each other, then we should be working to overcome them instead of weaponizing them.”

Now Nesta’s the one shaking her head, quickly lifting a hand to stop him. “Relax there, sweetheart. I have no expectations from you or myself to go on some self-improvement journey now that we’re together. Talking about my feelings with a professional every week is hard enough.” Yes, agreeing to go to Feyre’s Christmas party is improvement. Slow, barely there improvement, but enough to wear her out for the rest of the month. For Nesta to fully let people into her life, to treat them as lovingly as she treats Cassian— that’s a long way away. She can’t envision it, doesn’t even know if she wants it.

Cassian must understand some of what she’s thinking, because he nods and backs off. He gets back up and returns to stringing lights, tossing a handful of tinsel at Nesta as if to say Get back to work. 

She stands and obeys, thinking their not-argument is officially over when Cassian says, “You’re wrong about one thing.”

She looks up from where she threads tinsel through fir leaves. He doesn’t take his eyes off his work as he says, “You do have a family. And deep, deep down, you care about them as much as I care about mine.”

***

Nesta catches Emerie’s eye as the dark-haired beauty walks into the pub. Raising a hand and waving, she gestures Emerie over to the booth she’s sitting in. 

“Look what I found,” Nesta says with a hint of pride, pointing to the redhead sitting beside her. “A third girl for girl’s night!”

“I was kidnapped,” Gwyn speaks up. “Jumped on the way to my car.” She’s out of her usual hoodie and in a tight-fitting blouse, looking stunning even while seeming out of place in the dim bar.

“She came here consensually,” Nesta retorts. “Emerie, this is Gwyn. We met at therapy.”

Gwyn offers Emerie an awkward smile.

Emerie slides into the booth across from them with raised brows. She looks between Nesta and the new girl and back again. “You invited her here? All by yourself?” she asks.

Nesta nods firmly.

Emerie breaks into a wide grin and reaches over the table to grab Nesta’s hand. “I’m so proud of you!” If Emerie were anyone else, she’d be squealing in excitement, but Emerie does not squeal.

Nesta waves off her friend’s praise, though a part of her wants to beam at it, too.

Gwyn glances between the two of them with slight amusement. “I mean, it’s not that impressive,” she says. “She came on a bit too strong, probably a five out of ten on the asking-someone-out scale.”

“‘A bit too strong’ is all you’re gonna get with Nesta,” Emerie says, lifting her hand to order drinks. “She’s all-or-nothing, and most people would pray she doesn’t give them her nothing.”

Nesta doesn’t know if that’s a compliment, but she supposes there are worse things that could be said about her.

“So, Gwyn, what do you do?” Emerie leans forward. “All our friends are law students and it’s starting to get boring.”

Gwyn goes off about her librarian job as Nesta orders their drinks, and Emerie rests her chin in her hand and listens eagerly. Christmas music plays softly in the background and snow flurries gently outside. Nesta thinks she can’t be doing that bad in life, if she’s managed to carve out this little slice of happiness for herself.

***

a/n: i promise shit actually happens next chapter! we're getting christmas with nessian and the ic in the same room for the first time

taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson

[simplyotometrash]

Headcanons with Obey Me! Oc, Alex

Alex’s relationships to each of the characters

Lucifer:

Have you heard of love at first sight? You have? 

Yeah this is not that whatsoever. 

Alex hated Lucifer from the moment they met. His attitude, the way he talked to them, the way he talked to Mammon. All of it. 

So they made it their mission to get on his nerves as much as physically possible.

They really wanted to see how far they could push him.

Lucifer knew their game and put up with the annoying human and their antics despite the headache it caused him.

They finally talked to one another properly without a fight one night. It was late and Lucifer was, unsurprisingly, still awake and working.

Alex quietly shuffled into his office and immediately was called out on it. Lucifer rightfully suspected a prank. But the truth was that Alex had a bad dream and didn’t know who else to talk to.

Lucifer turned and saw this tired, helpless, upset human and gestured them closer. He listened to their nightmare and did his best to provide them comfort. 

Suddenly they weren’t the nuisance they usually were. They reminded of him younger brothers when they were much younger and new to the Devildom. Scared and feeling isolated. 

Did their relationship get any better?

Well, yeah it did. 

Lucifer grew to see the petite human as another sibling he somehow gained. 

Their relationship became sibling-like and the torment only continued, though less hate-filled.

Mammon:

Did they like him? Not at first. He didn’t really care much for them either.

They came to their first major breakthrough early on, though, when Alex witnessed firsthand the treatment Mammon received from his brothers.

Oh they hated it.

Alex is the youngest of 9 and knows what Mammon’s experience is.

From that moment on they took it upon themselves to become Mammon’s designated protector.

If anyone tried to fuck with Mammon they had to deal with Alex and vice versa.

They also are touch starved, so there were many movie nights where they just cuddled up together because they both needed physical affection.

Mammon is one of their best friends in the Devildom and they would not trade him for anything in the three worlds.

Mammon isn’t sure if he is in love with them or wants to just be their best friend, but he protects them just like they protect him.

They also always get into trouble together.

Mammon always ended up going into their room at night when he was having trouble sleeping, sometimes they were awake and sometimes not. 

They had an agreement, though, that if the other needed comfort at night they could always go to one another. 

He quietly would crawl into their bed and it was as if Alex knew he was there without waking up. They would shift so he could cuddle into them and they’d sleep like that the rest of the night.

There’s something inherently comfortable about being around one another when it’s just the two of them, something Mammon does not want to risk losing. He is very protective over them and will do harm to those who try to hurt them.

Leviathan:

Anime fan? Video game lover? Alex is the epitome of heart-eyes.

Yes, Levi comes off a bit weird but they do not care.

They wanna become his friend as fast as fucking possible because anime nerds need to stick together. They need someone to show them good Devildom anime.

Levi was very hesitant to let the human in. He was a gross otaku, why would they want to be his friend?

He was terrified that it might be some super elaborate prank.

It was seeing them playing a game from the human world that made him begin to open up.

They were playing a video game that they loved and he merely caught a glimpse over their shoulder. That was all it took. He stood there, hovering behind them, watching their gameplay intently.

The rest is, as they say, history. 

The pair became the best of friends and bonded over their mutual hobbies. 

Levi is also one of the potential love interests for Alex so the feelings can run even deeper depending on how I am feeling.

Overall, though, they are just as attached at the hip as Mammon and Alex. Levi is fiercely protective over Alex and their friendship, often fighting his brothers to claim best friendship. They are his Henry.

They’re able to get through to him when he draws in on himself. When he is so plagued by negative thoughts and anxiety that nothing can reach him, Alex is able to crack through the negativity to shine light back on him.

They give him so much positive reinforcement and affection.

While they are touch starved, they never force physical affection without consent. They know Levi has issues with being touched and would never want to push it.

They’re the only one he is okay with hugging him out of the blue, though it makes him blush, it also makes him feel special. 

Satan:

They did not get along at first.

Alex did not hate him on sight like they did Lucifer, but they did not take to him very quickly either.

They pretty much ignored each other for the first couple of weeks.

they could cohabitate in the House of Lamentation in peace without ever acknowledging one another.

It was Alex’s dislike of Lucifer that piqued Satan’s interest in them.

A fellow hater of Lucifer? Someone to plan pranks and piss off the eldest in the house? Maybe they were alright then.

They became friends over their disdain of Lucifer and truly bonded over a love of books.

Alex is a big reader, not only of manga, but of all literature. So they were able to find common ground in that they had some similar interests.

There was never the potential for romance between them and that’s okay.

Their relationship, similar to Lucifer and Alex’s, evolved into a very sibling-like relationship.

They became a younger sibling to him and he enjoyed their company. They proved good to prank with as well. 

It was nice to have someone else who liked reading, someone who was calm, and also loved cats. Alex’s love for cats was just as strong as Satan’s. 

I personally headcanon that Alex’s cat got to come with them to the Devildom so Satan really had to decide whether or not he was going to kidnap (catnap) their cat or not until they told him he could visit anytime for some kitty cat cuddles. 

Asmodeus:

Asmo was a very fast friend to Alex.

The moment they met he was enamored. What drew him in specifically? Alex’s hair. They came to the Devildom with pastel blue hair with an undercut that needed to be maintained.

Asmo saw they were a lover of fashion and had nice hair and he wanted in on that. He volunteered himself to be their personal hair stylist. 

They began bonding over these sessions where he would touch up their hair color and cut followed by painting their nails and telling them anything and everything he could think of.

But they did not hesitate to call his seemingly narcissistic personality a fraud. They didn’t buy that he was only a self-absorbed and shallow person who only cared for his looks.

This moment is what makes Asmo the second contender as a love interest for Alex.

They saw right through him and suddenly he felt...free. Free to express himself in more ways then he thought possible. He also began to view them as more than a doll to play with and a sounding board to talk to.

Suddenly they were so much more alive as a person. He wanted to truly know them. 

He fights Mammon and Levi for the role of best friend but he also wants to be so much more than that.

He makes a point to spend time with them and never mentions his previous encounters or relationships. He doesn’t want to even risk upsetting them in case they love him back (which they do depending on what I’m writing oops-).

Asmo, though he struggles to admit it out loud, views them as even more important than himself. Their beauty inside and out is blinding. He wants the world to see it and their outfits to reflect it.

He doesn’t hesitate to drop just as much Grimm shopping for them as he does himself.

Beelzebub:

These two cohabitated quite peacefully. They didn’t need to talk or really do much of anything. They simply existed together.

Alex didn’t think much of the large demon at first. They were impressed by the sheer size of his appetite and thought he looked kinda cool.

Beel thought they looked so small and was afraid just breathing too hard might break them.

Their first bonding moment was when he came into the kitchen for a midnight fridge raid and found Alex, in their pajama shirt, cooking. He quietly sat down next to where they were standing and asked what they were making.

Comfort food was their answer. They were homesick. Their favorite thing when they were homesick was potato soup, their mother’s recipe.

Beel knew the feeling all too well and did not press the subject. There was comfortable silence before he asked questions about the human world. Before long, they were offering him a large bowl of soup. 

They ate together, sitting there on the kitchen floor, and the hours flew by. 

They did get in trouble together for not even cleaning up the mess in the kitchen where they inevitably fell asleep together, but Lucifer was lenient. 

Beel became their confidant. The one person they could talk to without feeling judged. And they became someone he could also tell anything too.

Someone he needed for those bad nights plagued by nightmares or when he felt homesick, too. 

Their relationship stays this way. There’s not romance that may blossom and neither of them are interested in that. 

Belphegor:

They knew he wasn’t human from the moment they found him in the attic. These two had very little relationship prior to the incidents of chapter 16.

We all know how Belphie was about humans and what happened to the MC in that chapter. 

Scooting past that, their relationship afterwards was exceptionally tense.

At least on Belphie’s side. He wanted to make up for what he had done but also felt uncomfortable with Alex. He wasn’t sure how to approach them.

Alex, on the other hand, took it as a personal mission to annoy the ever living shit out of him as revenge. 

Did they hate him for what he had done? No. They did not hate him. What they felt was not hatred nor resentment, rather they felt irritated and rightfully pissed off.

They sought revenge in the form of annoying him.

But that only lasted a little while. These two actually get along very well once they have a proper talk about what happened and Belphie wanting to make up for what he had done. 

Belphie is contender number 3 for Alex’s love and affection in a romantic sense (I’m soft for him, I can’t help it).

They bond over the stars and the fact that they can be in the same room together without even having to talk. 

Alex is a high-energy kind of person but even they need breaks. They don’t like feeling as if they have to be like that all the time. And they don’t have to with him. They can be quiet and calm. 

They nap together all the time. Belphie is actually the one they go to when they have migraines because his very presence is so soothing that they’re able to relax and sleep through it despite the pain.

Belphie knows they love pillows and buys a new one every time he goes out, whether with them or not, just to add to their bed so they have their own massive pillow collection.

I will do a part 2 for the rest of the characters! Let me know what you think!!

[nightfayre]

You seem like a very open person, so I figured I would message you about my thoughts! I’m not so sure if I wanna take off the anon (I think this fandom is harmless for the most part about contradicting opinions- but some of their mindsets kinda scare me, lol) so here I go! First off, I would like to say that I really enjoy Tiashan as a pairing for the most part, but I see a lot of points in their relationship that I REALLY look forward to them fixing in the future. 1/?

For one thing, their power balance is extremely fucked right now, lol. That one’s pretty obvious. But seriously, while I was reading through some of the chapters I felt tired just processing them. A lot of the “go” “no go” and angry yelling in the comic can easily be see as comedic and written off as such- but it happens, it feels like, nearly every time He Tian and Mo interact and at times it can be tiring to look at and say “that’s just how they are.” At this point in the story, we can see 2/?

that Mo has started to develop some form of feelings for He Tian and is obviously much better off now with his friends than he was before- that’s a starting point for sure- but (to me at least) it felt mildly unearned. It’s clear and I appreciate that He Tian and Mo interact much healthier than they had in the beginning (especially in the 170’s), holding each others hands and whatnot, but a lot of their earlier arguments and attacks towards each other feel unresolved. 3/?

Again, I really enjoy their pairing and want to see them get better about it, but a lot of how they interact just seems mentally exhausting. Both characters have their own traumas and issues to sort through, so even though a lot of how He Tian acts towards Mo can be explained and reasoned through, that doesn’t really justify how he acts, although it’s clear that he’s doing his best and will (hopefully) improve. We’ve already seen Mo starting to open up more in the last chapter 3/? 

and I’m sure OX has plans for them, but I just can’t stress enough how badly I want proper communication. Mo is clearly a sensitive and withdrawn guy and He Tian is clearly impulsive with possessive qualities. They have history with those traits, but that doesn’t mean that their justified and can just write off their every action. It means that they need proper handling, and neither of their personalities (at the moment) make that easy. 4/?

Anyways, I trust the author wholeheartedly! This was more or less one of my largest concerns for the PRESENT relationship, which will no doubt evolve into something much better by the end. I’m hoping both of them (especially He Tian even though I love him) get the slap in the face they need to wake up and communicate properly, which won’t be easy. I hope you can rest my worries about this relationship or at least give some valuable insight! I’ll look into your response no matter what it is! 5/5

tianshan is one of my favorite topics to talk about, specifically because of all the points you’ve mentioned! they’re a controversial pair, but there is so many reasons to love them, too. my answer below the cut!

if I could describe tianshan’s current relationship with one word/phrase, I would label it as “power imbalance.” and like you said, it really is fucked. the amount of miscommunication and misunderstanding between the two is incredible, and most of their problems stem directly from their inability to properly interact. 

and yes – like you said, all of their current interactions seem to be an never-ending loop of teases, threats, yelling, and bickers. however, so is every other relationship in the story! hell, even qiucheng have their argumentative moments (though, obviously they aren’t as dramatic as the four main boys lol). if anything, I think Old Xian relies on these – for lack of a better word – harsh interactions between the characters in order to emphasize the moments in which the boys share serious, developmental moments. 

I mean, think of it this way: how utterly heartbroken did you feel when Jian Yi first kissed Zheng Xi, screaming manically in the process, and then ran away, only to end up quietly crying into Zheng Xi’s shoulder on the street? I, for one, was torn apart by that scene. and I think that’s exactly Old Xian’s intent – the emotional and situational contrast between the boys’ usual bickering, teasing interactions and their broken, I’m-only-fifteen-and-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing moments pulls out emotions in the readers like none other. and the same goes for tianshan; Old Xian chose to end one of tianshan’s interactions with their normal banter (ex. the scene in which Guan Shan is in the hospital and flips He Tian off when He Tian says, “Take a good look, I’m leaving.”) and then immediately followed it up with the scene in which He Tian came home – or rather, came back to Guan Shan – and rested his head on his shoulder in exhaustion, seeking whatever form of comfort he finds in Guan Shan. I personally think that was one of the greatest moments between tianshan despite it being minute, especially because Guan Shan was under no obligation to care for and/or provide for He Tian but did so anyways. (and of course, the nightmare + handholding scene came directly afterwards!)

as for the “unresolved” feeling you get from tianshan’s fights – well, you’re not wrong. they’ve yet to resolve a single problem they have with one another. the closest they’ve ever come to “fixing” an issue is when He Tian kissed Guan Shan, in which Guan Shan broke into tears for reasons He Tian didn’t understand and clearly/firmly told He Tian that it was not okay; that he went too far. He Tian internalized that moment because he’s human and learns from his mistakes, and they’ve hadn’t had a problem like that again. as such, I don’t think tianshan will ever verbally or explicitly solve whatever issues lie between them. rather, they will both absorb the information as it comes to them and intrinsically work through the issues by themselves. is that the healthiest and/or most efficient way to make progress in their relationship? well, no. it’s not. but they’re young and impressionable and don’t know how to trust/handle one another right now, and so they only have themselves to rely on. 

and I know I talked about this in one of my other answers, but I think it’s also relevant to apply my thoughts here, too: celebrate He Tian’s development, but don’t ignore his flaws along the way. you’re absolutely right; He Tian’s cruel and often forceful behavior isn’t right. not every single one of his actions can be justified, try as some people in this fandom might. character flaws are necessary for any story, and He Tian is no exception. just like any other human you come across in your lifetime, there’s going to be a history behind them that isn’t as clean as you’d like it to be. but they had to experience that tainted history in order to get to a better point in their life. no one is born with a perfect sense of morality, justice, social interactions, etc. trial and error is necessary for anyone to move forward in life, and I think this philosophy can be directly applied to He Tian, too. I don’t necessarily think He Tian is doing his best, but he’s doing what he knows as well as what he’s learning along the way. time (and failure) can only tell how He Tian will develop throughout the rest of the manhua, and I don’t think we can pass strict judgment on him until we give him the opportunity and room to grow. 

as for Guan Shan… his withdrawn and stubborn behavior will be the end of him. unfortunately, those character traits are exactly what drew He Tian to him – but that doesn’t necessarily mean that He Tian can’t continue to stay interested in him as Guan Shan matures/develops by his side. I do think Guan Shan has higher walls up than He Tian – and for good reason, too. he’s struggling for money, endured bullying, is growing up in a one-parent household, juggling multiple part-time jobs in addition to school, and has to protect his mother from the shit their father left behind (whether he intended to or not). it’s everything a 15 year old shouldn’t have to worry about, and yet Guan Shan is alone throughout it all. thus, he doesn’t have any reason to believe that He Tian – a wealthy and privileged, handsome and smart, athletic and popular boy – has any good intentions. 

and that’s why I focus more on He Tian when discussing the flaws in tianshan’s relationship. Guan Shan is a troubled boy, definitely, but I also think that Guan Shan would open up remarkably if he was greeted with a consistently kind and outstretched hand. and He Tian has definitely had his nice moments, but not enough to earn Guan Shan’s brittle trust. like you said, this tension between them is so hard for them to overcome, but I don’t think it’s impossible. it will just take a tremendous amount of effort and a considerable amount of time before they’re anywhere close to a healthy relationship. 

nonetheless, I’m glad you see the potential in tianshan’s relationship! their current interactions in the manhua are critical, even if it is painful and sometimes tiring to read. with how difficult their personalities are, there’s no way they would’ve been able to start at a different point than they did. give them grace, but don’t overlook their flaws. I’m positive that Old Xian loves these characters just as much (if not more) than we do, and thus I’m sure tianshan have a bright future ahead of them. it will take a lot of painful trial and error along the way, but they will certainly get where they need to be! at this point, a slap in a face would be yet another great kickstart towards a healthier relationship between them. and, honestly, I think that slap in the face will be delivered to He Tian, as you said. 

proper communication between them will come in time, and it’ll come in ways that aren’t as traditional as we might expect it to be. tianshan are a very physical pair (mostly thanks to He Tian), so perhaps the first sign of trust/communication will be Guan Shan allowing He Tian to touch him without protest. or maybe it will be Guan Shan doing a favor for He Tian without needing to or having to be asked. or maybe He Tian will do something that benefits Guan Shan and his family without explicitly telling Guan Shan that he did it for him/them – or, in other words, He Tian won’t expect anything in return. 

I don’t know; everything is a toss-up when it comes to Old Xian and the potential outcomes of the manhua. I don’t claim to know anything about where we might find ourselves in 50+ chapters, but I think I have enough sense to speculate. and as far as tianshan are concerned? well, I think they’re going to be just fine. 

I can’t wait to see where they end up. 

[underroleau]

underrole chapter 3

- I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!! - Flowey shouted, out of his mind. He shut his eyes closed, the time to reset… but the reset didn’t happen. Flowey opened his eyes, in shock, just to see Wave still petting him.

- Are you STUPID? I tried to kill you and you touch my head like an idiot! Are you brainless???? Or you just wanna die? Because I can kill you all the times you want !!!! -

Wave was extremely relaxed and answered serenely. - Are you sure this is what you want? -

Flowey flinched, bothered. - YOU’RE ALIVE JUST BECAUSE MY ATTACKS DIDN’T WORK!!!!!… I can kill you anytime !!!!!!!! -

Slowly, a metal noise started to resound, getting closer hastily.

- You’re adorable. - stated Wave, without a care in the world.

- I’m adorable? I AM ADORABLE?!?!?!?!? I WILL KILL YOU, AND YOU WILL SUFFER!!! LIKE YOU NEVER SUFFERED IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!!! I don’t know what you are, but I’ll find you and...! -

A spear sizzled in the air, ripping one of Flowey petals and getting stuck in the ground right in front of Wave.

- THE FISH! -

Flowey gasped, before fleeing.

- A flower…? - Undyne halted next to Wave, getting back her spear. - Are you ok? -

- I’m fine! - Wave replied – I made a friend! -

- ...A friend? - Undyne stared down at him – He did just attack you. -

- He is just shy. - Wave stared right back.

- He was trying to kill you, do you understand /that/? -

- Understand what? -

Undyne took a deep breath. Then stomped on Wave’s head, making it impact on the floor.

- How many times… do I have to tell you… not to leave the lab? - she hissed, short tempered – The day just started, and why are you here? -

- I was bored. - Wave replied, under Undyne’s sole, with nonchalance.

The royal guard summoned a spear, pointing it against the kid aggressively. - ENOUGH GAMES! We’re going back to the lab. -

- TO THE LAB!! - Wave yelled, flipping Undyne by pushing her leg away, and running.

Undyne fell to the ground, growling at the figure that was getting away, and breaking her spear in half, shaking with anger.

- Remember, don’t kill him. You can’t kill him. You want to kill him, but you can’t. -

(…)

Back at the lab, Wave ran right into Sans, making both of them stumble to the ground. The kid got right up, helping the skeleton, who stared back at him disappointedly.

- No waffles for you! I told you not to go out... brother… -

Wave immediately hugged Sans, touched by that little nick he used.

- You called me brother!! -

Alphys rushed to the duo, alarmed – Don’t hug him too tightly, or you’ll break him! -

Both stared back at her, and Wave put Sans back to the ground – Woops. -

The skeleton brought a hand to the back of his head, winking – Well, that made me jump outSKIN. -

Wave looked ad him with sparkling, admiring eyes.

- Wow!… -

And right then, Undyne came roaring inside the lab.

- ALP...H….is… -

An embarrassing silent gloomed over them, everyone staring at Undyne, and Wave smiling in a silly way.

- Hello, you!!! -

- Wow… you’re already here.. ok.. - Undyne recomposed herself, with a light cough to lighten the mood. - Well… we have to talk… uhm… -

- Wave. - Alphys suggested.

- Wave, go and play with something. - Undyne pushed him away, with a light gesture of the hand. - I’m going to play with the doggie!! -  he perked up.-  N-NO… Not now!!!! - Stammered Alphys, a shiver rushing up her spine. - Sit. - And Wave sat on the floor.  - Dog? - Undyne furrowed a brow, looking questioningly at Alphys.- Nope! No dog here!! - Another long silence followed…- So.. everything is solved here.. - started the fish woman .- Yup.. ahah.. -

Sans stared at them, hands in his hoodie pockets. - ...so… -- I.. I… I’LL BE PATROLLING!! - 

and away ran again Undyne, as fast as she came.-

 UNDYNE!!!! - Alphys tried to call her back, in vain. -   Wow. - Sans commented, talking a step aside – She really knows how to run against the  CURRENT - - Sans!! This is not the time! - - Aw, c’mon, she is just TRACING the FLOW -As he was finishing the pun, he was already at the door. Alphys sighed heavily, turning tiredly toward Wave, that was still sitting in the same place on the floor. She was used to get Sans out by now, and to be left with the kid. But it’s not like it was going to live with her … right? …  Right?- … .let’s go… to the dog!! - She said, trying to at least sound enthusiastic.-  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!! - Wave yelled, dashing to the elevator.-  Wait for me.. - the scientist whined, joining him right after getting some papers from the printer. As the elevator music tuned in, Alphys shuffled through the sheets, and Wave peeked over her shoulder .- What are those? - - Your test results. Let’s see… - She furrowed her brows - ...Your soul is weird… I was not able to find anything existing to associate with it. You have something just similar to Determination, but maybe it’s a residue, I don’t know… your soul should be composed of two components, but it’s not like this, it’s like gelatine in some moments, and fire in other, with a great energy, but it’s not magic. - She scratched her head – A weird energy, maybe this explains your regeneration, and this weird thing that you do, remember without remembering, sigh. - - I AM SPECIAL! - Wave esulted, assuming a proud pose.-  ...Yes you are. -The elevator stopped itself, as Wave rushed outside to see Endogeny, as Alphys kept reading in a muffled voice.  - Nothing.. nothing at all.. -She was traced off her thoughts as she heard… barks? Angry growls? - Wha…. Endogeny? Wave??? -The lizard ran into the lab, to see Wave being absorbed by a black substance.  Wave was just standing there, not a trace of fear nor panick.- WHAT is THAT??? -Without second thought, she ran to help the kid, bus as soon as she approached it, the blackness attacked her.-  NOO!! -(...)When Alphys opened her eyes again, she was in a random and common room.-  What happened?? And where am I??? -She took quick breaths, as she tried not to panic, and took a glance around: walls of a brownish tinge, a desk with a pc, a bed with a blanket and three pillows, a wardrobe with a backpack next to it and Flowey in a vase on the bedstand.-  Flowey… w-what?? -Flowey jolted it’s head up, as if answering Alphys, but instead…-

 Frisk!! STILL! -The kid dashed in the room.-

 Don’t start again Flowey!! I have to go to school! -

- I knooooww, - the flower whined, - but it’s been a YEAR, when are you going to reset??

 -Alphys stood there, awkwardly, wondering what a reset was, and if they could see her. Frisk reached for Flowey, taking his pot –

 I told you Flowey. I never used the reset, and I won’t use it. -

 OK, OK, OK!! JUST DON’T LET ME FALL!!! -

- Yeah, yeah.. - said Frisk, grabbing his bag and leaving the room with it, and Flowey – I’m leaving you to Toriel. -Alphys peeked the shut door, concerned.- ...why is Flowey so friendly… where is this… what is… going on.. I need to follow them. -She went to the door of the room, opening it.. but what she found, was a school full of monsters, and as she got her surroundings, something told her she was on the surface. And the more she looked, the more she saw humans interacting with monsters, cohesisting with them, with only some exception. Everything around her changed once more, fading.-

 What now… - Alphys turned around, a sharp pain in her head, focusing with what was happening in front of her. Monsters were around her, facing a stage. Humans, and monsters alike. Toriel walked forward holding Frisk’s hand, who was still holding Flowey. There was something under a blanket, that was briskly uncovered and turned on. It was a machine, in which electricity started to flow. From the design, Alphys recognized the machine to the void they were building. - What is that doing here…  and where’s the human?? I’ve been following him in these… loopholes.. but I still don’t know why.  

-As soon as she spotted the human, the machine started malfunctioning, and the portal generated by it started to be unstable, cackling and roaring.-

 O-oh no!! If the same thing happens like with my machine, in those proportions…!!! 

-A deafening explosion, and the portal started to suck violently inside it’s womb everything. - NOO!!! -Alphys, still thinking she was physically there, stumbled trying to grab something, but her hand went right through it.  - R-Right, I’m not... here… -Noticing that the other Alphys was about to be sucked inside /how on earth were there two of her?? That wasn’t reality, she got that/, her instinct was to save herself. The perspective changed, and she was suddenly holding a pole, reaching out for herself. But her arm, wasn’t her arm, it was the human’s!! 

How..?? Well, if she couldn’t even save herself, she was truly useless!!

No time to think, she grabbed Alphys, pulling with all her might against the opposite strength till she was able to throw her off the stage.

- And now.. -In all the commotion, she didn’t see a piece of rubble crashing down in her direction, knocking her out. 

When she regained consciousness, she was in her own body, and through a foggy sight, where did her glasses even go?, she saw Frisk attempting to rescue Papyrus, but the pain in her head came back so strong and sudden, that Alphys yelled.  (…) When Alphys opened her eyes once more, she was in the lab. -  W-Well… that was… that w-was quite the dream… -She muttered, before stumbling and fainting on the floor immediately after. (…) Meanwhile, Sans woke up in his house, and got ready to go to work. - Another day without Papyrus…  -He muttered, noticing the scarf of his brother, the only thing left of him, and decided to put it on.  Grabbed a bottle of ketchup, he left. His station was overflowing with empty ketchup bottles.-  I should clean this mess… maybe the old lady could help me, at least with my mood. - (…) The skeleton leaned against the door with his back, the crunching sound of snow under his slippers, and he knocked.

- Al. -- Al who? - replied the voice on the other side.- Alone with you. -Sans tried to sound happy, but even he realized the sadness of the joke itself.

 Silence resounded, and the voice spoke again, soft but filled with doubt.- 

Sans…? Are you ok? This isn’t one of your best puns.. 

-- Oh.. well.. I’m fine… I’m just tired… after something that happened.. - he said shortly, digging deep his hands in his pockets.- 

Have you tried talking about it with your brother? 

-Sans’ head lowered, a dry sigh coming out of him. He just felt… empty. Lost. Broken. He just wished… it was all a dream.. maybe it was, and he couldn’t 

wake up. - Sans..? Sans??? - The lady called, not hearing any answer. - Sans! --

 Huh? - He lifted his chin, staring sideways – Oh, sorry lady.. My head drifted away. -

- Did something happen with your brother? Did you two fight? - asked softly the voice, concerned.Sans took a sip of ketchup, and answered tiredly. -

 I… don’t know.. he isn’t… - - He isn’t…?

 C’mon, Sans, you can tell me… -Sans felt the anguish fill his soul once more, just wanting to burst.. 

- He isn’t here anymore… he is gone! Just dead. Or almost. -- G-GONE!! -

 the lady pressed her face against the door, in disbelief. - What happeend?? -

Sans drank more ketchup, gasping afterwards.- I made a mess… it was all just a big mistake.. He followed me to the lab… everything went wrong. The machine, the human… everything. -

- W-what… the machine… the human…? I’m not following what you’re saying… but your brother… what happened to your brother? -

- He fell in the malfunctioning machine, and… he isn’t there anymore… and what’s there… it’s not him.. -

- What’s… left…? Please Sans, explain… you’re not making any sense.. -

The skeleton slipped down, sitting.  -I know I’m not.. but it does make sense that it is my fault. If I had warned him of what I was doing… if the door was locked… I failed to protect him. - he said grimly.- 

Sans… don’t talk like this… I know the feeling of losing someone dear to you, oh, so well… but you said there’s still something left of him? What’s that all about? Can we do something? Is his soul still there? 

-Sans sighted, looking upwards.– We can say that the human… took his soul. And now he is acting funny, like he is him, without being him… I don’t know what to do or what to think. -

- A human… it’s been so long since one passed by here.. are you sure about this? -

- Yes. It was a human. I tried to prevent this, I did my dardnest best.. but I was powerless. I saw it happened. Then, this human with white hair appeared, acting like him with me and everyone else, calling me brother… it’s too much for me. -A brief silence followed. T

he lady stood silent for quite a while, before resuming, cautious. - Sans… you told me about this white haired person… have you tried to… talk to him? Understand what are you for him? -

The skeleton just stared in front of him.- He saved me from a spear, is energetic like my brother, follows me around like my brother, acts like him, and is nice too. But I can’t consider him as my brother, cause he isn’t. -

The lady sighed, quietly suggesting. - Sans… I understand what you’re telling me. But give him a chance, before closing your heart. If he is convinced of being your brother, see how that goes for a while. -

- Heh… - chuckled Sans, with a weak smile – Maybe you’re right, with all this snow, by heart froze. - 

MASTERPOST! @nephdetermined is the best collaborator ever uwu praise her !

[hopeishappinessff]

Holding Onto  Hope: Chapter 19.1

Hope

Waking up the next morning was no fun… actually, it was pure and utter torture. Apparently, I’d completely disregarded just how much alcohol I’d ingested and I found myself wrapped up in the plush white blankets with cotton mouth from the aftermath of smoking, a lovely headache, and paralyzing nausea. But my complaints were null and void the moment I turned my head to absorb my beautiful surroundings, illuminated by the walls of windows in the room, and spotted pure perfection lying on his stomach beside me. He seemed completely content in his deep slumber and I had no immediate plans of moving from my spot anytime soon, so I simply lie there taking him all in for nearly half an hour.

Once he finally woke up and I broke free of my staring stupor, we both climbed out of the bed and shared a calm and soothing shower then he directed me to the bags of clothes I’d noticed the night before. As if he just knew I would wake up that morning with no desire to dress up for the day, I pulled out a pair of gray jogger pants, a sweater that literally read ‘I woke up like this’, a gray beanie, and a pair of black booties. Chris had even made sure to provide me with a fresh pair of comfy cotton boyshorts, a sports bra, and socks… his attention to detail was just unbelievable. After we gathered the small bit of belongings we’d brought along on this sporadic trip, we made our way down to the first floor to check out and soon, we were on our way back to school. The moment I planted my bottom in the passenger seat of the truck, I snatched up a pair of Chris’s blacked out Ray Bans from the overhead compartment, found myself a cozy little position, and passed out for the entire hour and a half ride.

I awoke to the feeling of his fingers tickling at the side of my neck. Fluttering my eyes open behind the tint of the glasses, I yawned and turned to see him smirking cutely at me.

“Hey there beautiful.” He muttered sheepishly.

“Hi.” I greeted with a sleep laden voice.

“We’re back.” Turning my head to look out of the front windshield, I frowned when I realized he was indeed right… we were parked in front of my dorm, which meant we were now officially back to reality. I turned my attention back to him at the sound of his husky chuckle and waited for him to explain why he was laughing.

“Why you looking like that?” He asked.

“Because… we’re back here.” I explained.

“You don’t wanna be here? You wanna go to my dorm?”

“No… I mean, we’re back… at school. I wasn’t ready for last night to be over. I’m probably not going to see you for a while now. That’s how it always goes.”

It was now his turn to frown deeply at me and before I knew it, he’d opened his door, climbed out of his seat and eventually he was on my side of the truck pulling the door open. I sat still as he reached across me to unbuckle my seatbelt and physically turned my body to face him like a ragdoll.

“I didn’t want last night to be over either… it was perfect. And it kills me every time you point out how much I been fucking up. I’m tryna get it together Hope… I really am and I can promise you right now that I’m gonna try to spend more time with you because whether you believe it or not, every minute I get with you means the absolute world to me. If you can keep your promise to stay by my side, no matter what, I can keep my promise to do better for the sake of not losing you.”

I slid the dark glasses off my face and stared up at him, searching his face for any signs of deception, but there was none… he was speaking from the most genuine place in his heart. I had never had a reason not to trust him before and I didn’t see why now should be any different, so I nodded my head to show him that I believed him. With my hand in his, he helped me to ease out of my seat and he moved back a few steps to allow me space to stand in front of him.

“You remember the motto from the weekend?” He asked as he slipped his large hands against my waist. Cracking a smile, I nodded again and stepped forward in his embrace.

“You’ll see when we get there. We’ll get good again… you’ll see. And I think you’ll like it when we do.” I couldn’t help but laugh as I listened to him in all his cuteness.

He smiled broadly and tugged me close, meshing my chest up against his. With a loving glint in his eyes, he stared down at me and raised a hand to caress the side of my face then finally he leaned in and gently placed his lips on mine. We kissed sweetly for a while, never bothering to do anything more than tug occasionally on each other’s lips until he pulled back a minute or so later and meshed his forehead against mine.

“I love you, you know.” He spoke softly.

“I know.” I giggled.

“Aww, cocky lil nigga huh? It’s cool… as long as you know.” We both laughed and from the corner of my eye I spotted movement that left me breaking my focus on him and turning my head. The moment I did, I instantly wished I hadn’t. Less than a yard away from where we stood were two girls walking on the sidewalk… one who I recognized as that ‘wannabe’ girl Tawny and the other… the girl who I’d already had a run in with… the girl who’d proudly messed around with Chris. They were both awkwardly facing us and with a glance up at Chris, I could see that they’d caught his attention as well. I watched him as he watched them and I wondered which girl in particular had him staring so hard. His expression remained blank, but he squinted just barely as if he was trying to figure out exactly who they both were… though I was sure he was well aware.

Since the Tawny girl was entirely too ditzy and oblivious to the thick awkward tension between the four of us even at a distance, she tossed a hand up at Chris with a smile and with his own tight-lipped smile, he returned the gesture while still keeping a hand on my waist. I was becoming more and more annoyed the longer I stood there watching him interact from afar with these people, so I dropped a hand on top of his and pried him off of me which quickly got his attention.

“What are you doing?” He asked as I reached back in the truck to grab my belongings and made a move to step around him.

“Thank you for the wonderful evening and for bringing me back safely. I’m gonna head up to my room now…” Before I could get out of arms reach of him, he had a hand wrapped around my wrist and he pulled me right back to him.

“Listen, Hope… I’m so…”

“You’re sorry… I know.” I snapped. I wanted nothing more than to get as far away from him as possible in that moment. I’d never been around him in the presence of his little side chick and I suddenly felt irritated and nauseous.

“Stop… why you acting like that?” Sure he looked desperately sad and almost afraid that he’d just upset me, but I didn’t care. The mischievous smirk on that girls face alone as she stared at us was enough to make me want to slap him then go over and punch her in the throat so she’d never be able to ruin someone else’s relationship with her mouth again.

“You stop Chris… I’m not acting like anything. Why don’t you go catch up with your friends?” I didn’t mean to throw that in his face and I certainly didn’t mean to draw any attention to us, especially with these stupid girls walking by, watching our every move. I just couldn’t continue standing there listening to his predicable apologies and all his apparent empty promises about how he was going to do better for the sake of our relationship. In reality, I knew that girl was only a minor bump in our crazy road of drama… I knew there were more, I was sure of it. She was just a reminder of that. Snatching away from him, I turned and began to quickly retreat toward the dorm. Tawny and her loose mouth friend had already walked past the building, but they were still close enough for the girl to glance back and briefly lock eyes with me. I wanted to run over and strangle her, but I kept my focus on the door ahead and only that… until I heard the sound of a car door slamming followed by the sound of rapid footsteps. I knew a smooth walk away was too good to be true and I released a deep sigh at the sound of Chris calling out my name.

“Hope for real, stop.” He yelled out like the true genius he was, drawing immediate attention to us. I shook my head and continued on up the few steps to the door and just as I reached forward to pull one of the doors open, he’d caught up to me and latched a hand onto my left arm.

Whipping around to face him, I glared up at him with a deep scowl and snatched out of his grasp yet again “Stop it Chris, you’re drawing attention to us…”

“I don’t give a fuck. Why you acting like this all of a sudden?”

“I’m not about to stand out here and do this with you. Go back to your truck and leave, please.”

His brows furrowed instantly and his head jerked back with surprise “What you mean you not about to stand here and do this with me? Do what… talk to me? And you making comments about going to catch up with my friends… what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Taking a deep breath to calm myself and to hopefully avoid throwing my purse and bag of clothes from the night before right in his face, I ignored everything he’d just said and turned to enter the building with him hot on my trail. I was seriously not about to stand right outside giving those girls the satisfaction of watching the drama unfold between us. I knew that’s what the one girl wanted in particular and I wasn’t up for giving her any clues into our crumbling relationship. Of course there was no one to stop him from incessantly following me, begging me to stop and talk to him, so once I glanced around the activity center and noticed that it was fairly empty, I swung back around to face him.

“Fuck, what is your problem?” His voice was loud and he was only a few notches away from outright yelling in my face.

“You are my problem.” I finally admitted.

“What? How? In the span of five minutes… how did I become your problem?”

“Because in the span of five minutes, I had to face the girl that you cheated on me with and yet again, she practically laughed in my face.”

The look on his face was priceless. He seemed absolutely stunned by my revelation and it was clear that he wasn’t at all expecting me to blurt out such a painful statement for both of us. But he asked me what my problem was and there was no reason for me to lie.

“Wow…” He muttered in less than a whisper.

“Yeah, wow is absolutely right. How many times is that gonna happen to me Chris? How many different females on this campus am I gonna come in contact with that you’ve messed around with? How many girls are gonna be laughing in my face because you have me walking around like a fool thinking I have the perfect boyfriend, when in all actuality you’re a complete dog who could care less about me? Do you know how embarrassing that is?”

I was on a roll now. Since he’d begged me to tell him what my problem was, I wasn’t going to sugar coat it. He’d triggered every frustration I felt toward him and now there was no stopping me.

“That girl out there, you know the hoe who sucked your dick at that party… she’s already confronted me about you,” I rambled on, while he did nothing but stand there quietly, “Minding my business leaving class one day and she bumps into me, telling me that I’m apparently not the only girl sleeping with you. How the hell did you think that made me feel as your girlfriend Chris? I chose not to let what she said get to me, but the thought has always lingered in the back of my mind… have you actually gone from getting your dick sucked to having sex with numerous girls now? I know you’ve got to be doing something because I’ve smelled the perfume on you, I’ve seen the scratches on your neck, I’ve noticed your odd behavior… do you think I’m stupid? I mean, I’m starting to think maybe I am because I continue to deal with your shit.”

I was near tears at this point, but I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It felt good to finally air him out and by the look on his face, I knew I’d done a pretty good job. He stood there staring at me as if he’d just gotten his feelings hurt. He actually had the audacity to look like what I said somehow hurt him! I scoffed and shook my head at that because I knew I had him stumped. He had no clue what to say or do because he had no clue that I knew as much as I did.

“I would never intentionally hurt you Sy’Diyah…” He mumbled, but I was entirely too riled up to give him a chance to speak.

“You would never intentionally hurt me Chris, you’re sorry Chris, you love me too much to lose me Chris, well get it together Chris because newsflash… you are fucking losing me! I am holding on by a thin strand and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on!” I snapped then and before I knew it we were chest to chest and I scowled up at him with a finger wedged in his face, “You need to decide what it is you want because I promise you, my patience is non-existent and if you’re stupid enough to continue screwing around behind my back, this relationship is over!”

 Chris

Stunned and stupid. I was completely stunned and felt so fucking stupid as I stood there like a damn idiot and watched my pissed off girlfriend stomp away from me. I couldn’t even lift a foot to chase after her, I was that stuck on stupid. I couldn’t believe that’d just happened. I couldn’t believe she’d just lashed out on me and cussed my ass to the moon and back. I didn’t know if I should be upset with Nicole’s ass for simply walking past us at the most inopportune time or if I should be upset with myself for even allowing this shit to get to this point. My feet wanted to run after Hope and beg her for the thousandth time to listen to me and hear me out, but my mind wouldn’t allow me to do that… because this time, she was absolutely right. I had no valid point to argue and I knew I’d make myself look like a plum fool and she’d end up crushing my pride and ego with ease all over again.

Tucking my tail between my legs like a sad little puppy and dropping my head pathetically, I walked back out the door and toward my truck feeling completely drained and defeated. I couldn’t even focus on my surroundings as I ambled along slowly and by the time I reached my truck, I failed to immediately notice Nicole’s hoe ass leaning against my driver’s side door.

“Trouble in paradise?” My head snapped up at the sultry sound of her voice and I rolled my eyes instantly when I spotted her standing there.

“Get the fuck back Nicole.” I mumbled.

“No need to get feisty with me Mr. Boyfriend. I’m not the one who just ripped your ass a new one.” She smirked impishly.

“Please get away from my fucking truck.” I said through clenched teeth. I swear, the girl had like two seconds to move far away from me before I snatched her up by her throat.

“What’s wrong with…” She barely had time to complete her sentence before I snapped. I was up in her face before she could blink and my right hand was wrapped firmly around her throat without thought. I didn’t care anymore, truthfully. I didn’t give a shit if anyone saw me strangle this bitch to death, I didn’t give a fuck if Hope miraculously walked back outside to cuss me out again and saw what was happening, I didn’t give a fucking shit if Tawny was somewhere in the near vicinity watching… I just didn’t care.

“You Nicole, you are what’s fucking wrong with me.” My tone was harsh and menacing and boy could I see the fear in this hoes eyes at that moment.

“Chris… let go…” She managed to wheeze as my grip grew tighter.

“Fuck you, don’t complain… this is what you wanted right? You stand here and fucking take it,” I felt like a deranged fool as I glared down at her red face without even remembering to blink, “You think that shit was funny? Huh? You think it’s fucking funny to watch my girlfriend damn near break up with me because of your bitch ass? Well I think it’s funny to watch you run outta oxygen.”

The amount of anger seeping through my body almost hurt and I could feel the veins in my arms, neck, and temples throbbing and protruding to show for it. I felt like I was having an out of body experience as I watched tears begin to build in the corners of her eyes and slowly descend down her cheeks. The sight of the moisture trickling sadly from her eyes was, in some strange way, a turn on and I found myself nibbling into my bottom lip and squeezing her neck a little tighter.

“P-p-pleease.” She was barely able to speak at this point with her entire throat being closed off, but the thrill of knowing this girl could just die at any second at the hands of me was making it hard for me to let go.

It donned on me then exactly what I could do to punish this bitch and pleasure my damn self all at the same time. With one final squeeze that had her shutting her eyes, seconds away from succumbing to her lack of air, I snatched my hand back from her throat and pushed up against her weak frame just before she went slithering down the side of the truck. I watched her curiously for a few seconds as she gasped and fought desperately for air and with a smirk, I gripped her up tightly by her arm and dragged her around to the passenger side of the truck.

“Come on,” I allowed all of him to take over at that precise moment and full on grinned at the thought of how well I was gonna teach her ass a lesson, “Get the fuck in.”

--

One emergency call to Dr. Yates’s office and she agreed to take me at the very last minute and I damn near dropped to the ground, kissed it, and rejoiced. If she wouldn’t have let me agree to come in to see her immediately, I was sure my next option would have been far more drastic and somehow involved a bit of self-harming. Hope certainly wasn’t an option after how she’d flipped out on me earlier, so my only hope was to get a slot with my therapist today or I would surely not make it through the night.

It really fucking sucked that this lady’s office was on campus and as I walked it felt like every single student enrolled in the school was crowding all around me all at once. Luckily, the building her office was in was kind of tucked away in a corner that I could somewhat easily access through a few secluded short cuts, but for the most part I was forced to pass large amounts of people at a time and my nerves had kicked into overdrive every single time I got close to a female.

Finally, fifteen minutes and a perspiring forehead later, I floated through the sliding glass doors of the building and almost sprinted up to the fifth floor to her actual office. I barged through the door of the main half of the office and the receptionist, who was the one who confirmed my immediate appointment, seemed a bit startled by my abrupt arrival.

“Hi Mr. Brown, you can head right on back.” She greeted with a polite smile once she realized it was me. Thanking her with a tight-lipped smile, I jetted past her desk and bolted down the hall to the familiar closed office door at the very end on the right. Standing outside the door for a moment to collect myself as best as I could, I shut my eyes and exhaled then opened them and stared at the foggy glass window on the door as I slowly eased it open.

Pushing the door open just enough to give myself space to slide inside, I shut it behind myself and looked up to see Dr. Yates standing in front of her desk, leaning against it slightly, with her hands crossed in front of her. She had a pleasant smile on her face that kind of calmed me down some, but barely.

“Hello Christopher,” Even her tone of voice was pleasant and the sound of it calmed me down a bit further, “Please, have a seat.”

I followed the direction of her pointing finger and claimed a seat on my good ole chaise lounge across from her desk. Tossing my hands up over my face, I just kind of sat there for a moment, lost in my chaotic thoughts and trying to figure out where I should start with her.

“How are you today?” She asked.

With my hands still plastered over my face, I shook my head and with a sigh I slid them down my face and peered over at her “Not good.”

“And why is that?”

“You should grab your notepad so you can add this to your tally. I fucked up… again.” I laughed humorlessly and watched as she smirked warmly, yet didn’t bother to move back to the other side of her desk to retrieve the notepad.

“Well, why do you say that Christopher? Your appointment wasn’t scheduled until tomorrow, yet you called seeking desperately for time with me today… why?”

With a sigh, I stared at her for a moment just hoping that somehow she could reach into my mind, pull out the thoughts and memories from the past twenty-four hours, and display them on a projector so we could watch and attempt to understand it all together.

“Do you have a minute for me to explain everything that led up to my fuck up? It’s the only way I think you’ll understand.”

“I actually don’t have any other appointments scheduled for the remainder of the day, so you’ve got all the time in the world with me.” She smiled that heart-warming smile again and made herself comfortable on the same edge of the desk she leaned against.

“Okay… I don’t even know where to start,” Releasing a sigh, I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts then licked my lips and looked up at her, “Yesterday uh… yesterday morning, I actually woke up with another girl I didn’t know, in her room. And I freaked out because of course I didn’t know who she was and… I knew I probably couldn’t get to you fast enough to avoid a panic attack. So, I went and waited for Hope to get outta class because she’s like… my safe haven, you know.”

One of the things I loved about Dr. Yates, other than the fact that she had such a pleasant and welcoming demeanor that reminded me of my mom, was the fact that she was such a magnificent listener. Well duh, the lady got paid to listen to crazy niggas like me ramble about all my problems, but the more time I spent with her the more I could sense that her ability to listen and truly understand my problems was deeper than just a doctorate and a title as a therapist. I could always see it in her face that she was deeply devoted to every single thing I said and the way she would often nod and tilt her head to show me just how much she was absorbing every word that left my mouth made me feel so comfortable talking to her.

“I fucked up there because I’d just left this random girl that I know I had sex with, but I didn’t think about that or any traces of her that coulda been on me. I just needed to get to Hope as quick as I could so I could feel at peace again. So like, I see her and automatically calm down then I get her to agree to go out with me… on a real date. I knew she’d been feeling neglected and I wanted to show her that that’s never the case. Even if we’re not physically spending time together, she’s always at the forefront of my mind… always.”

“So I took her out… and I showed her a good time. I took her out to Atlanta, took her to one of the finest restaurants out there… The Sundial,” Pausing again, I thought back to her priceless reaction when we arrived at that seventy-first floor restaurant with nothing but windows, which I knew she would absolutely love. I got so lost in my thoughts recalling the look on her perfect face when we were seated at our table, that I ended up sitting there smiling to myself from the memory alone, “She loved it… and the hotel we stayed at afterwards. I pieced it all together purposely for her so she could get a view wherever we went, because she really likes windows and views. Our entire suite at the hotel was open with no doors and every single wall was made from windows, so I knew it would be something she would really like. I wanted her to love everything about the trip. I wanted her to see that I could still sweep her off her feet and make her feel like the queen that she is to me.”

“Needless to say, I think she really enjoyed herself and you know… she was the only girl that mattered to me last night, like literally she was the only girl who had my attention throughout the whole night. And she looked so beautiful. She solidified for me last night why I’m so in love with her and I swear Dr. Yates, if I had a ring on me last night I woulda made that girl my fiancé.”

Dr. Yates laughed softly and the smile on her face made it seem like if for only one moment, she was actually proud of something that I’d done and that actually excited me.

“The way that you speak so highly of this young woman is very admirable Christopher. I can see it in your face when you speak about anything that pertains to her… she’s got you wrapped unmistakably around her finger.” We both laughed then and I shook my head as I thought about just how right she was.

“I wouldn’t deny it even if I wanted to. She has a permanent hold on me.” I admitted. Dr. Yates quieted down from her laughter and I felt her staring at me curiously for a moment before I looked up at her and noticed that she’d pursed her lips tightly together.

“If you’re ready, I want you to continue your story. It sounds like the two of you had a very blissful evening, but… there’s more, correct?”

TBC...

[jrubalcaba]

author: jrubalcaba 

featuring: OFC Guinevere “Gwen” Adams x Bucky Barnes 

 word count: 1793 words 

rating: PG 

warnings: Bucky being rude, small bit of physical violence. 

A/N: This is my first major fanfic. I'm so excited to put this out there for you to read! A huge, huge, HUGE thank you to @avenger-nerd-mom for being my beta for this whole series and helping me turn a dream I had into a legit story! Enjoy! 

 “Damn Barnes, what did that punching bag ever do to you?” I called out across the training room. Bucky was beating the hell out of the poor thing and it was hanging by a thread. He gave it one final punch and it flew across the room, sand going everywhere. 

 “Oh you know, I was just imagining that it was that Travis dude you used to date. I mean, it's hard to tell the difference between them,” he taunted, “ya know, since there’s nothin’ of value on the inside.” 

 Ouch. He must have really hated him. We're only teammates, but I honestly felt that there might be a little more on his end. It could also be a ‘older brother’ type thing because he didn't like me going on the tough missions that he went on. To him, I'm ‘too young’ and ‘not experienced enough’ to be on the team. I've heard him ask Steve a few times why I was even around and it bothered me at first, but now I just shrug it off. I don't have to prove anything to him. Well, at least that's what I tell myself. 

 “Thanks Barnes. Confirming what I already thought. His name is Trevor by the way. I know he wasn't the best guy I've dated, but-” 

 “Wasn't the best guy? Gwen he only wanted one thing from you! I thought you were smart enough to find a decent guy to bring home,” Bucky interjected. “He treated you like dirt and he only stuck around in the hopes of getting into your pants! If you honestly couldn't see that, then maybe you’d be better off with him.” I stood there, too hurt to argue back. That was low, even for Barnes. “Wow. You really know how to compliment a girl don't ya? It's a wonder how you manage to get women to come home with you.” I picked my water bottle up and headed towards the door. “I'll just come back when you and your nasty-ass attitude are done,” I called over my shoulder. God that man irritates me to no end. Doesn't help that I think he's hotter than a tin roof on the 4th of July. He called after me but I was already out the door. I was almost to the elevator when I felt a hand on my shoulder stop me. 

 “Hey I said to hold on.” Bucky was smirking at me and if I wasn't so mad at him I would have been a little turned on. “You wanna know what my secret is to getting girls to come home with me? They aren't you.” Oh. That. Fucking. Bastard. “I find that if a dame is easy enough to take home, then she's only good for one thing. One thing that you're not good enough for.” 

 SLAP. I had heard enough. I'm not one for unnecessary violence, but that was the last straw and he asked for it. 

 “James Buchanan Barnes, go to hell. Don't ever talk to me or even look in my direction ever again. You’re a fucking pig. Take that metal arm of yours and go fuck yourself.” His face had a perfect red handprint on it and he had the decency to look shocked. I turned around and started walking towards the elevator again when FRIDAY’s voice rang out over the intercom. 

 “ALL TEAM MEMBERS TO THE MEETING ROOM IMMEDIATELY PLEASE. REPEAT ALL TEAM MEMBERS TO THE MEETING ROOM IMMEDIATELY PLEASE.” 

 Looks like there's going to be another mission. I got to the elevator and hit the Up button. The elevator dinged and opened and I stepped in and pushed the button for the floor I needed. The doors were almost shut when a metal hand stopped them. Barnes stepped in and stood on the opposite side from me, face still bright red where I slapped him. Good. Dam Bastard. The doors shut and we went up but stopped after a few floors and Wanda and Sam stepped in. 

 “What's wrong with your face Barnes? Did the punching bag hit back finally?” Sam joked. Wanda studied me for a moment before turning to Sam. 

 “She hit him,” she stated as Wilson lost it, doubling over in laughter and clutching his side. “That handprint is too small to belong to a man, and she's the only one in the elevator with him.” 

 “Gwen hit you? This little lady here hit you? Daaaaaaaaamn,” Sam says, “you must have deserved it. She doesn't hit just anyone!” He laughed some more and Wanda giggled. I grinned. I'm so proud of myself. Time to brag a bit. 

 “Yeah I slapped him. Not gonna lie, my hand hurts, but not as much as his ego might.” Man did it feel good to rub it in. Bucky’s jaw clenched as he turned to glare at me. I met his glare with one of my own while I raised my hand and wiggled my fingers. He glanced down at my hand and stepped back. Is he scared of me now, or just more wary of me? Either way I’ll take it. 

Wilson was crying he was laughing so much and Wanda patted me on the back in a ‘good job’ way. Bucky growled and glowered at them while balling his hands into fists. The elevator dinged on the meeting room floor and we were met by Steve. He took one look at us and cocked an eyebrow. 

 “Anyone care to explain why Bucky's face red?” he inquired. Sam and Wanda started laughing all over again, holding onto each other for support. Barnes was fuming as he pushed his way out and stopped next to Steve. 

 “She slapped me,” he snarled, jabbing his thumb towards me before continuing on to the meeting. Steve’s eyes got big and stared me down. Oh no, I laid hands on his precious Bucky. I'm in so much trouble. Luckily Wanda came to my rescue. 

 “He deserved it,” she started, trying to catch her breath. “I’m sure that Gwen had a perfectly good reason.” I just smiled and walked past them all into the meeting room. I chose a seat furthest away from the door because Steve and Bucky always sit next to the door and I didn't want to piss Barnes off even more. Everyone else started filing in and Natasha sat to my left and Wanda was on my other side. Tony was about to start when he caught sight of Bucky’s face, which was still red. 

“What happened to your face, Barnes?” When he didn't get an answer, Tony started in on him. “Too afraid to answer? Didn't peg you as a scaredy cat, you know, what with your ‘Metal-Arm-Of-Death’ and all.” Bucky was gripping the table hard enough to leave finger marks in it. Sam couldn't resist being the one to tell the story again, so he jumped at the chance. 

 “He's mad because Gwen bitch-slapped him. Our little Guinevere Adams, resident sweetheart, got fed up with his shit and pimp-slapped him like it was nothing. Girl, I gotta ask, how did it feel?” 

Oh boy. Everyone's eyes were on me. Nat leaned back in her seat and gave me a once over. I think I might have finally earned her respect, which is something that's hard-won. Time to own it. 

 “Yes I slapped him. He has said some things that hurt me and I've had enough. It felt good at the time but now I just feel bad because I don't normally do things like that. I am sorry for slapping you, Sergeant Barnes, but you had it coming.” Everyone seemed to be impressed with me being able to actually hurt the Winter Soldier. Nat smiled and bowed in a ‘I’m not worthy’ way toward me. Tony shot me two thumbs up and turned back to the hologram screen. 

 “So there's been an attempted kidnapping and we're being asked to step in and, for lack of a better term, babysit. Elliott and Zoey are the children of two biochemical nuclear engineers who have been ‘recruited’ by HYDRA.” Nat scoffed and Tony stopped to look at her. They shared a look for a brief moment, before he continued. “We’re being led to believe that HYDRA might try to use the kids against their parents.” 

 When kids are involved, people tend to get a little uncomfortable and not one person at the table looked happy. Barnes was too busy staring holes into my head from across the table to care, while Steve looked between us as if trying to keep us civil and Sam was silent while he watched with amusement. Natasha and Wanda were looking through pictures of the children on the tablets and Clint and Scott, the only parents on the team, were staring off in a daze, no doubt wondering about their own kids. Vision was looking around at everyone trying to understand the gravity of the situation, but it looked like he couldn't grasp the humanity necessary to comprehend this. 

 “I’m sorry, but why would these children be able to make their parents do anything? They're just children,” he inquired. Vision may have access to all the world's data, but regarding human thoughts and emotions, he was a bit daft. I decided to help him out a bit. 

 “Vis, try to imagine having someone in your life so precious to you, that if their life was threatened in any way, you would do anything to keep them safe. Now multiply that by infinity. That's the love of a parent.” I looked at Clint and Scott and they both nodded their heads. Vision took a moment to absorb my words before nodding for me to continue. “Those biochemical nuclear engineers? They could create biological weapons that could decimate cities in a matter of minutes, if the lives of their children were threatened. That’s why those kids are so important. If they are harmed, people could die. We need to keep those kids safe until we find and rescue their parents.” He nodded his head again, taking in everything I said so he could better understand the mission at hand. 

 “Geez Gwen, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were a parent yourself,” Clint mused from down the table. I turned towards him and grinned. Tony clapped his hands to call attention back to himself. 

 “Someone from the team will have to go undercover and watch over these kids until we can rescue their parents. Any takers?” No one moved. These kind of missions had the potential to end horribly, and no one wanted a piece of that. “Not everyone at once. Clint? Scott?” The dads both shook their heads. One by one people shook their heads no, until... 

 “I’ll do it.” 

Chapter 2

 TAGS: @avenger-nerd-mom, @sketchbookthingz, @buckyywiththegoodhair