#I wanna be cis so badly. a cis girl or a cis guy would be great. but instead Ive got this mess going on

[doggerell]

I got too androgynous and now I get they/themmed by any queer conscious person in my general generation but the fucking problem is I dont /want/ to be. like I respect what it represents but personally its started to make me feel sick. I swear Im just a girl.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for getting upset because my friends said they couldn’t hang out with me?

TW: small mention of SA

Context: I(16m) am in a friend group with around 7 other people, including my bf (16m). Who I am currently living with because of issues at home. And because of things going on, like work, getting drivers licenses, and the school musical (which is, imo, the worst thing we have at this school bc of the toxic environment, toxic director, and child predators that were in there touching girls.) we haven’t been hanging out much. The last time we all hung out was for my birthday at the end of February, which I had to fight with some people to even go.

So, this starts with me making plans. ALWAYS. I’ve made the plans for this friend group every time without fail for the last year and a half. And I noticed we haven’t been hanging out as much and my boyfriend agrees, so I text everyone around 2 weeks ago and asked if they wanted to do anything. My one friend, we will call L, suggested that we go to a museum in the city. I asked her if Saturday at Noon would work that week and she and everyone else agreed. So, that Thursday, I made sure everyone was good with that, and I found out that she and my other friend, who we will call O, had to go in for a 7 hour rehearsal on Saturday. No big deal, I get it. So I rescheduled for the following Saturday.

The next Friday rolls around and me, my bf, and L are doing volunteer hours at our elementary school. I, again, check in to see if she’s going. She says that because she is so exhausted from the musical, she can’t go. I understand again, but here’s the thing. L thinks she HAS to do our schools play and musical, and got upset with me when I didn’t wanna go because I had been assaulted physically and verbally by other cast members and the director. L actively overbooks herself and then complains that she’s upset or tired or acts like she has to do these things. Her parents aren’t forcing her or pressuring her btw. But, I do understand needing some time, and I agree that I’ll reschedule again, because i want all of us to be there. And also, O texted me (after he expressed his desire to go really badly) that he couldn’t go because there was a parade that weekend. So I changed it to that Sunday. Me and my bf thought it would fix all the problems.

It didn’t. Both L and O came up with bullshit excuses not to go after it was THEIR idea to hang out! L said she had to “babysit” her 14 year old brother who is perfectly healthy and capable. Not because her parents asked her to, but because she said he will “burn the house down” and O said that his mom had to work and he didn’t wanna ask his dad (btw both of his parents are the nicest people I’ve ever met). So, I got very upset with them and I actually cried to my boyfriend about it. I feel like my friends don’t wanna hang out with me or see me. Especially bc O had got a new bf, who is cis (O is a trans boy) and his new bf has publicly been known as the “tboy/femboy chaser” and fetishizes trans people. When I expressed this to O, he said that I was making it up. They also are extremely inappropriate, and actively make out when we’re all trying to hang out or talk to them. One time, we were having a New Year’s party, and they took up the only couch, making out for 5 hours. O and L also like to point out that me and my bf never are apart, and that’s when I remind them that we not only live together, but he is in the main friend group. I’m tired of these guys making up excuses to not see me. So, AITA?? :(

What are these acronyms?

[plutos134340]

hiii pluto :3 you wanna tell me about ur ocs sooo bad /nf (also is calling you pluto ok ?)

Ooooooh i feel like i wanna tell u about them soooo badly (and yes im ok with being called pluto, it technically isnt my name- that which is natalie, but i am chill with pluto as well)

Long text under the paragraph bc i dont feel like subjecting the random viewer to a long post:

Ok so some background for the way my aus work: i suck at making my own characters, but i can like give traits and personalities to existing characters that dont have much in canon, or just replacing a pre-existing characters personality, so thats what i do time and time again. Then i make random characters for funsies

First au concept and darias place in it: So basically i had made some cliche fnaf au where like none of the kids ever died- ig i wanted some happiness in life. And i then made Daria to go along with them and she was Henry's kid and an older sister to Charlie. They also had another younger brother but he is irrelevant. She is best friends with michael afton, and was also closest to fritz and jeremy (foxy and bonnie) She is like a random oc but does has a lot of my traits bc i found it easier to cope with myself through a character with fake friendships rather than actually think about myself and the people i know.

Traits (physical and personality-wise): She is white and has pale-ish skin, and shes got shoulder-length, curly, brown hair (like 2C); she is white, and she is pretty tall. She has hazel eyes (the green and brown being separate kind of hazel because i have that eye color and i like my eyes 💀). Shes queer, specifically being bisexual and ace-spec, and is a cis girl. She is pretty down-to-earth, and is mostly a realist. One thing that has stayed true throughout her many forms is that she often forms intimate relationships with people quickly but can end up starting fights with the same people quickly. Idk where that came from but thats her.

😰😰😰😰😰😰

😰😰😰😰😰😰

And now the second au and all that jazz. I know you dont know much at all about cccc but basically there are these characters Heart, Mind and Soul, who are all technically personified parts of the singer's (chonny jash) brain. In this au they are all human and like half related to their original identities. They go by the names Juno, Keene and Atlas, respectively, with the collection of their names just coming from random sources in the songs (juno and atlas) and then i just picked a random name i saw for the last bc i didnt want to pick two similar names (it would have been Apollo if i did). Bc i love music oh so much, they are all basically in a band. I loooove cliche little tropes it just soothes my mind ig, idc how basic it is and its also just easier for me to imagine. Anywho, this brings Max and Lily into the picture, along with another girl i forgot originally bc i forgot that i created her (that being Terra). Terra is the creator of this band, and Max and Lily originally come from their school's regular band.

Max: He is mixed white/southeast asian, and has tan, freckled skin and short black hair. He is around 5'11. He has a pretty chill and kind personality, and can come off either quiet or loud/intense depending on where he is. He often pokes fun at people but never really crosses the line. In their little band he plays most woodwind instruments, mainly the saxophone. He is bisexual and a cis guy.

Lily (full name being Liliana): She is a Latina and is 5'2. She has long, wavy, black hair, tan skin, and dark brown eyes. She is very sweet and is very in-tune with her own and others' emotions, just overall very emotionally intelligent. She can be the life of the party and lively, but is often the first person to realize if someone else is having a bad time, but also wont jeopardize her own mental health in sake of someone else's just to please them. As said before she came from a general concert band before, and plays the trumpet and the flute mainly. She is straight and cis, but doesnt really put too much thought into her identity anyways.

Terra, who i somehow forgot when answering the ask: She is 5'11 as well, and is a Black woman. She has curly hair, which she keeps at around chin length, and it is black with dyed brown highlights. She was originally more reserved than the others, but has opened up to all of the group members and is pretty talkative. As mentioned before, she is the creator of this little band, and plays the drums. She is a trans girl.

Ok so yeah those are them. I kinda just picked a few categories (that being how they look and basic identity things, some personality stuff, and any sexual or gender orientations) to talk about for each and i hope i stuck to that setup well enough. The other three from the second one are like technically not ocs but i like hijacked their actual personalities and gave them new ones but i did not talk about them bc i do not need to ramble THAT much.

[dizzybizz]

ok i need someone elses (especially- but not exclusively- other afab autistics, cis or trans) thoughts on this shit cause im losing my goddamn mind i just have so many feelings about gender and its fucking me up

ok so.

ive always sorta felt disconnected with my gender and i dont think me being autistic helps with it either. what with trying to pinpoint feelings and all that being hard. and it has i guess planted a lot of doubt surrounding my thoughts and feelings about my own gender in my mind. i question if everything im feeling is just bc im autistic. which is why im making this post!! i just need some outside perspectives and thoughts and i guess i want to know that im probably not alone in my struggles with this.

idk how i wanna structure this post but ill just write down the things that come to mind.

like before i hit puberty i was not into the idea of it at all. and before i had considered the fact that i might be trans, i thought it was just because i didnt like the thought of change. and i think thats normal, being hesitant about puberty.

BUT uhm. now im not religious. but i vividly remember praying to god that i would at least be as late a bloomer as possible. if not, never ever going through afab puberty. and i always felt more inclined towards amab puberty, and i thought it was a MUCH better deal than whatever afab puberty was going to do with me.

and i feel really silly writing this cause that does not sound like something a normal cis girl would do or think... and i feel quite confident in me being not cis. but i guess this is just a post to seek some validation in my suspicion and feelings. but i also want to know if it is an experience others share.

my gender thoughts as i call them have been particularly prevelant since 2019, thats when i think i first started contemplating whether i might just actually be trans. at that time i believe it was more towards the non binary, but nowadays its ftm

and i just idk. im kinda lost and lonely here, i havent talked about with any family members which are the people i spend most of my time with currently. i wanted to get the perspective of people who are also autistic and might relate to the gender feelings and yeah

and ok no sorry, jumping back, cause its always at its worst before and during shark week (like right now :)) and that has also thrown me off quite badly

cause what if its just pms, or just some kinda hormone imbalance or some shit like that. am i crazy cause sometimes i feel like im driving myself mad with this stuff. is it common to have really intense thoughts about gender anytime your period is about to kick in.

also growing up with a younger brother (who also has a whole ass army of guy friends) when you have these thoughts is fucked up ngl who allowed this. youre telling me he gets to just get that puberty for free. fucking hell wtf

sorry i lost it pls just idk tell me your thoughts wherever, replies, i think im turning off reblogs for this but, my inbox or dms anything ok thanks so much, means the world

[goblinbugthing]

ok so there’s stuff in my brain again. thoughts

basically i have this group of 7 ocs that i originally made during my dra phase and haven’t touched in years, but ive been thinking about them a lot recently and ive started to feel like revamping their characters, giving them a good old redesign, and rewriting them and their story.

ofc im gonna remake them so they’re less. yknow, really terribly written. but when i say i wanna rewrite their story i mean i wanna turn it into a fic, instead of just remaking them and leaving them alone and rotting again.

im gonna ramble more under the cut, but that’s the basics of what’s happening in my brain rn

(cw for mentions of cults, human experimentation, death/murder, and implied abuse)

anyway, these guys are pretty old characters — i made the first two of them when i was like 11 — and so of course, they are. Not Good. and its gonna take a solid amount of work to actually fix them up and make them decent. but i really want to.

lemme introduce their dumbasses real quick:

first of all, we’ve got jay! real creative name, i know (/sarcasm). they’re 16, agender, intersex, and bisexual, using they/them pronouns, and they’re a human experiment. they were abandoned when they were 6 by their (super religious) parents who thought they were a fucking demon, and they got picked up by some cultists that claimed to work for an orphanage. spoiler alert, they did not work for an orphanage, and those fuckers grabbed jay, dragged them to a facility, and experimented on them for the next 10 years. those experiments turned them into a shapeshifter. dont ask me how because i dont know. they’ve also got several very badly written mental illnesses, as is the usual with creepypasta ocs. oh yeah they were a creepypasta oc btw

then there’s jay’s gf, willow. she’s 17, cis, pan, and ace, using she/her pronouns, and she’s just a normal human girl with no special abilities. but she does have a shitty dad and a dead mother. she and jay kill her dad after a bunch of Wild Shit. violent revenge, yay!

aaand cora. she’s 17, cis, bisexual (i think, i cant find her info anywhere), and uses she/her. she’s jay’s identical twin, and also a normal human, but she has psychokinesis. like she can move stuff with her brain. cool

next on the list is sigasi. she’s 21, cis, and aroace, using she/her pronouns, and she’s also a human experiment. jay sees her as an older sister, but they’re not actually related. she’s not a shapeshifter like them, but she’s got weird void claw hands and some fucked up wings that don’t work.

and then oh dear god, delta sun. he’s 26 (i think), cis, neptunic, demiromantic, and asexual, using he/him pronouns, and he’s in the same boat as jay and sigasi. instead of being kidnapped, though, he was given to the cultists by his mother (who thought he was a demon) and was raised in the experimentation facility. also, he’s half angel. his dad is an angel while his mom is a (super religious) human.

and SPEAKING of delta’s mom, it’s hope! she’s technically in her 50s but she died at 27, cishet and uses she/her pronouns. she’s essentially just hara before hara, but she is SO MUCH MORE INSANE. LITERALLY. she’s super religious and superstitious, she’s scared of everything, she’s been gaslit and indoctrinated into the same cult that the human experimenting fuckwads are in, she’s dead, she’s fucking crazy, she’s so badly written. i love her.

and as for delta’s dad, that would be ea. he’s 427, completely genderless, and doesn’t label his sexuality. uses all pronouns because fuck it, and they’re a somewhat biblically accurate angel. i dont have much info on him unfortunately, and what i do have written down is unimportant.

as you can see, three of them are human experiments. this is because i had a phase where i was obsessed with human experimentation. i thought it was so fucking cool.

anyway! the lore behind these bastards is super complex and ive been hyperfixating on that for a few days. i dragged some old shit out of the abyss to actually remember stuff about them, and uh. god theyre so badly written it hurts me.

fuck it im making a lore doc

[genderplugin]

tw// me being annoying

ok so like for gender and sexuality are completely divorced people shut up i haven’t reconciled that and ever since i came out and it has broken my brain >:(

i guess i am probably bisexual but i def like boys more but i seriously hate talking about dating stuff/attraction with my friends because i swear i can literally feel their perception of my gender change whenever i talk about it. it really scares me because like i will feel lots of guilt around my gender and how i’m “performing” and idk i’ve had so many experiences now where i’ll talk about boys i’m obsessed with and people will just talk to me like i’m a faggot or twink 😭 idk i usually feel pretty ok with how i’m perceived with friends but like as soon as i talk about attraction like i literally wanna put my hands on my head and rip my skin off. i’m def not lesbian but there’s like such a stigma around all trans girls being lesbians and i’m terrified to be seen that way too… i feel like people poke fun at it in both ways where if i like boys i’m gay and if i like girls i’m actually just a straight man and i can’t fucking win… i don’t know the amount of times i have been called a twink when i go out dancing has had such a bad effect on my sense of self 😵‍💫😵‍💫 (also fuck djboywife lol). it’s gotten to the point where i like literally get sad when gay men are attracted to me and it happens literally all the time. even last summer i was seeing this guy for like a month and he would say so much shit to me that wasn’t mean spirited but would get in my head so badly :-( like he would always ask my to top him and one time said my facial hair was tickling his face (immediately started laser after this) and i was like oh this person definitely sees me as a man :)))) and like i was dumb enough to ask him about it and he said he was attracted to how “androgynous” i am 😭

like i don’t know i don’t actually hate the idea that sometimes during sex i should feel more fem and sometimes i should feel more masc like that’s kind of a pretty idea but i swear i’ve had some of my most dysphoric moments during it and like i will literally go nonverbal.

and ALSOOO like big thing i hate the way other trans women talk to me so much. like haha funny trans women are all horny but literally they just say deranged shit to me that i doubt they would say to a cis woman so quickly and it makes me feel so gross like how about u be nice to me for like 10 texts instead of talking about what u want to do to me!!!! and then i feel like i can’t even be mad at them because i’m like a prude or something and should just be comfortable with people saying deranged shit to me when i barely know them just because we are both trans???????????? like i get being down bad sexting is fun but it’s seriously like the lack of even seeing me as a person before they start that that makes me wanna cry

really i’m just exhausted and angry because whenever i yearn i feel like i have to do it correctly or else it will affect people’s perception of me and it’s so fucking annoying. i could be literally crazy and projecting my insecurities ig but also like, i don’t know i see that pattern with how people treat me 😭😭 like i just wanna like pretty boys who actually see me as a woman but it always feels so impossible!!!!!!!!

anyways this was entirely incoherent i’m sure i started points and didn’t finish them but i’m not reading any of this again before i post i am just sad methinks

[sammygender]

AUGJ i wanna audition for my schools production of chicago SO badly but 1) i am a trans man and i’m pretty sure our drama teacher is transphobic; even if she’s not she probably won’t want to cast me as a cis guy role but i’ll get so dysphoric playing a girl (even though they’re the best parts) and also i might not be that convincing and 2) my ex girlfriend is doing drama and i am ninety percent sure she will be at auditions probably with one of her new friends meanwhile i have zero friends to accompany me, which would not normally be an issue, but it WILL rather make me look like a loser

[summerof336bc]

Im not even really a dc guy but I wholeheartedly agree w you ab Bruce being transfemme that's such a good hc

Tell me ab your other hcs you mentioned :0) ?

[id: a tumblr ask from t4tbruharvey that reads "dc trans headcanons...... i wanna hear them so badly"/end id]

FIRSTLY yes transfem bruce believers :-) it IS a good hc

speaking of. transfem 'trans but the other way' hcs !! bruce & jason are both transfem & in denial but jason moreso. instead of coming out the rare time b did an interview it used she/her pronouns & everyone was like 'alright then'. i think they would both change their names but im still working on that. damian is a trans girl & instead of changing her name by herself like a normal person she sits bruce & talia down & goes 'okay you two. i'm not doing this you are picking my name for me. no objections'. they settle on maryam. garfield lynns is very transfem to me too. they dont change their name she thinks its funny. jenna invites her to the c-listers 'evil womens club'. joey & kon are also both transfem i dont have anything to expand on there. they just Are. garth is transfem he just doesnt know it yet

okay now its transmasc 'trans but the other way'! stephanie is a trans guy & he just shortens his name to steph. they already get called steph all the time anyways so they thought it fit. selina is genderfluid & transmasc and when asked about xyr gender selina says hes 'like vaguely a dude'. he/she/xe selina for the win. kate is a woman but also transmasc <3. shes a lesbian with a cool gender okay. cassie is a trans guy & honestly probably doesnt change his name. when asked if his name if his name is a girl names cassie goes 'no actually its a guys name. everyones been lying to you'. raven is definetely partily a guy. after joey comes out kole is like 'Wait. im a dude'. kole is a she/her kind of guy

okay some more like. general trans hcs! dick is genderqueer. ae keep aer name because ae think its hilarious. also i think after dick comes out it leads to a whole domino effect of 'bats realizing theyre trans'. when asked about their gender, tim simply states 'im too tired for that'. wallys definetely got something going on with his gender. not sure what but hes not cis. hal has some tboy swag for sure. i once described oswald as 'a man who is also a girl' & im right about that. none of the aliens are cis they don't have a concept of human gender. clark is used to being referred to as a guy but won't correct anyone if they refer to him as something else. clark thinks it sort of relieving. no pronouns kori. its like that meme ... 'but my name is koriand'r'. & then i think mostly everyone else is trans i just have already typed a lot. theres probably only a handful of people i think are cis

[ftm-radio]

jfc okay I'm venting here, this is a vent post. don't reblog. replies are ok.

cw: trans bitterness (hullo that's me, the bitter ftm), mentions of dysphoria, passing/difficulty passing, (cis) sister drama

really tired of my Cis™ sister repeatedly telling me about how she's so scared to get too short of a haircut because she "doesn't want to look like a guy because, like, I don't ~identify~ as a guy" as if she really has any issue whatsoever with people recognizing her as a girl!

and today with her "I don't identify as a guy" thing. just the way she phrased it and everything really kinda pissed me off. just say you're not a guy you don't have to fucken use that word. esp since she's only been talking like this since I came out.

and its extra annoying bc we've had essentially the same conversation about her insecurities multiple times, and it's like she doesn't even think about how I feel hearing it. like if getting a damn haircut was enough to make everybody suddenly think ur a dude, my life would be so much easier. but it doesn't work that way and her acting like it does just... hurts. it frustrates me and makes me dysphoric bc having to reassure her that no, you won't look like a dude just bc you have short hair makes me think of how it's the same for me, except that I WANT to be seen as a guy. SO BADLY.

am I hypocritical because I get annoyed that my cis, feminine sister needs so many reassurances about her gender presentation? am I just being a dick?? MAYBE, IDK! like... if my sister was a trans girl, of course I'd understand her concerns. of course I would. but she has nothing to worry about because she's cis and her body has all the right parts and she doesn't have to do jack shit to get recognized as her gender.

like I fuckin WISH I had that. I wish my biggest concern about gender presentation and passing was if I grow my hair out a lil bit will ppl still see me as a dude? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

I know it isnt a competition to see who's allowed to feel insecure or not, I know that. but it just frustrates me so much. and I feel bad for getting so annoyed by it because I know my sister isn't trying to make me feel shitty and dysphoric and I know how insecure she is about some things, but she just... doesn't seem to hear me when I tell her not to worry.

idk. I'm slightly less frustrated now after typing all of this but I'm still a little peeved. might delete this post before long. we'll see.

if you read all of this I guess feel free to weigh in on the Is JT a dick or is this a reasonable frustration? question. and/or whatever else you might wanna say.

aight I'm out, I gotta finish my animal crossing dailies and then maybe I'll cheer up after some sketching 🤷🏻

[nataliemp3]

『 lana condor. twenty. cis female. she/her. 』 oh heavens, is that NATALIE CARGILL from SYCAMORE WAY i see roaming around mapleview? minnie may’s always calling them -RECKLESS & -HEADSTRONG. i happen to think they’re not that bad! they’re a pretty cool FLORIST and every time i’ve seen them, they’ve always been +INVENTIVE & +ALLURING. i hope i see them around again! –– @mapleviewstarters​

hi hi hi! it’s a me, mario theo. i get great great vibes from this group and looking forward to connecting w all of you!! pls dont hesitate to dm me or hmu on discord at cotton eyed theo#3925 ... and without further ado, here’s my baby natalie...

✧ P A S T.

adopted at a young age, natalie grew up on fair lane as part of a family that comes from old money. ( think rockefellers, fords, etc... it was all very stuffy, to say the least. )

put simply, natalie’s not too fond of her childhood. she always felt out of place in her upbringing. with a seemingly perfect older sister and by-the-books parents, nat’s impulsive, out-there nature clashed often with what was expected of her. she made a lot of mistakes, and many went unforgiven. 

as she grew older, it became more and more apparent that, well, she was the family disappointment. ( once she turned 16, her parents weren’t really afraid to communicate that to her either. ) taking her standing in stride, she moved out upon high school graduation, ditched college ( the one that her family wanted her oh-so badly to attend ), and started supporting herself independently.

✧ P R E S E N T.

natalie would never admit it aloud, but she harbors a lot of guilt surrounding her family situation. it doesn’t help that the town is teeny-tiny, and she seems to run into them ( or friends of theirs ) wherever she goes.

luckily, nat’s become a master deflector ( whether it be about her family or any topic she doesn’t want to talk about ). her go-to is breaking any tension with a witty joke or off-hand reference. it works ~75% of the time.

speaking of which... girl’s got a mouth. she can talk for hours on-end to practically anyone. her long-winded conversations are usually why she’s late to everything.

natalie LOVES her job. it’s the only one, so far, where her constant spontaneity has been appreciated. turns out, including a wrong but pretty flower in a bouquet is much better than putting a twist on a regular coffee order ( in her defense, the guy no doubt needed that splash of bailey’s in there anyway ). 

honestly, she would probably do very well in a city but has no desire to leave mapleview. even though her family would seem like reason enough to drive her away, nat feels like mapleview is her place. ( must add here that nat can be incredibly superstitious as well... probably has a random thing about karma and moving too far from her first home. )

yeah so please don’t tell warner bros that i made a knock-off lorelai gilmore! what? who said that?

✧ P E O P L E.

ok i’m a huge nerd and threw together this page for connection ideas. honestly down for everything and anything though so pls hmu ( again, over dms or discord at cotton eyed theo#3925 ) if you have any wc’s in particular or just wanna chat! excited!

[incarnateirony]

The way I see it is this: the threshold for het couple canon and queer couple canon should be the same. Wanting more than a handhold or whatever is *fine*, but whatever standard het romance is held to (the bare minimum to "count") should be the same for queer couples. We say all the time, "if one of them was a girl it would already be canon." Not bc of *potential* kissing, but bc it would be seen that way bc of what's already there. But you've said most of this already, so basically I agree lol!

Yup! That’s just it. If Detty or any other non-kissing couples can be taken as canon, so can queer ones, if the text is thoroughly framing it in every method equally. That’s how it works, actually! Applying a different standard *is* homophobic. And a few years ago, Destiel fandom actually knew this and pointed it out but somehow in this weird version of political extremization that we have around here, the pendulum has flipped around and knocked the octavarium on the ass from the other side.

Because people think that means you’re telling them to settle– of course it isn’t! Or making them “feel bad” for wanting more– nope! Now, will we make you feel bad if you make up a goal post where nothing counts until [your explicit marker]? Yeah, probably, cuz yeah, that’s problematic. Does it make them feel small? Tough shit tbh. For the last year or so I’ve dealt with people taking warped and extremized viewpoints to try to bulldoze over me and when I finally said “ENOUGH” and slapped back with a brick wall of history and perspective, they all cried it’s mEaN. No, you guys just don’t know what to do when your placebo activism turns out to not have substance versus the actual issues at hand, and yeah, you feel small and yeah, you feel bad. 

Especially when you realize misdirected and empty gay rage got you nowhere except a hand full of very old very directed old gay rage in counter, and you really can’t cry victim after stomping on the work of activists ahead of you. If you spent years stomping on people and they finally stomp back, and you try to cry to someone as the victim, that’s literally playschool bully behavior. Grow up. When the nerd you’ve been trying to pick on for getting you to reconsider your ways turns out to have been schooled in 6 forms of martial arts and launches your ass to the nurse’s office when you come for round 14 of trying to give him a black eye, all your complaining is about being embarrassed that the nerd kicked your ass after trying to patiently deal with you this whole time. Again, playschool bullshit. Again, grow up.

This isn’t you (not Nonnie-you, just the Royal You, that know who You are) arguing with homophobes or antis anymore. Antis have even cracked in waves. Shipping-fandom-cosplaying-as-activism has completely lost the plot on what their activism lines mean but, a trained routine in thinking it was unvanquishable, have turned it against the wrong things, in the wrong way, and their own people and content. There’s now a few YEARS of “activists” flaying people for, while not 100% happy with the level of content, supporting the queer authors and content and lifting it up – warping it into lines of “settling” to attack them, to diminish them, to make THEM feel small and their own podium – now warped beyond recognition from its original position like a goddamn tea party – big and righteous; and when finally someone clobbers them with a big fat dose of reality of how far they’ve mutilated the dialogue in the name of ship warring, they complain about feeling small. And I’m sorry, fucking no. Not a soul is here to make you feel bad for wanting more. They’re here to make you feel bad for queerphobic deletion and goalpost jockeying. 

As I’ve had to say like a repeating song chorus: You can do both: want and hope and push for more, while *not* deleting the queer text and efforts at hand. Complex thought processes are less appealing to many people than linear pile driving, but it’s generally how the universe functions. And when it comes down to realizing they’re setting unlevel goalposts for the levels they *want* to push it to, suddenly yeah, there’s a rug pull, and they have a choice to pull left or right. If they double down, that’s their choice. But I don’t have to humor that choice or give it platform.

But one thing I hold 0% patience for is people saying they’re here for the rep fight while simultaneously pretending there isn’t a rep fight and trying to villainize core elements like incrementalization or struggling queer authors, many of which beg for public understanding.

We could be having nuanced conversation about the values of different forms of representation; we could be having nuanced conversation about how to effectively organize to help these queer authors into better situations. We could be talking about the show’s evolutionary path, or even culture’s social evolution path and how this show will age with public perception over the years. We could be comparing it to stages of LGBT history.

But we’re not. We’re having conversations where people, abandoning their former angle of discussion, are now screaming “pics or it didn’t happen”, are now tossing up goalposts they themselves used to call homophobic only a few years ago, are now rewiring the dictionary or entire AV medium study (sometimes while claiming themselves an authority while literal cinema literacy sources and decades of studies or even just flat-ass LGBT history say they’re wrong) because they want to feel righteous for demanding more without any actual organized effort or support. They want so desperately for the remaining upset to pass as activism. So badly to flatten even other LGBT community members for trying to hold up the queer canon, because it wasn’t the canon they wanted. And once they realize someone cast Reflectga and their own bullshit methods mow them down, this time with amplified substance of the actual world beyond, they cry foul, that *they*, not the people they’ve been trying to mow over, are being cruelly bullied, just because someone said – no, enough, you’re acting like clowns, I’m fucking over biting the bullet to listen to you on it, you are well past the pale folks.

Miss me with it, fandom. If I have to explain any further than this why one of these is activism and one of these is not, then you’re already beyond hope in the field anyway. I’m not here for your petty ship war nonsense. The representation clearly isn’t for you little fucking tumblr goblins so willing to shred it for not performing to and for you how and when you want regardless of circumstance, much less if you’re even in the damn demographic being represented to goddamn begin with. No, a cis lesbian doesn’t get to tell a trans person how their rep should look. A trans man actually can’t tell a cis gay man how his should look either because their paths are fucking different. 

No, a bunch of women should not be bulldozing over and deleting shit and say it’s For The Gay Men while the vast majority of LGBT men in this fandom hide away in recesses because they’re tired of being bulldozed over if they don’t comply with the shitty fandom dialogue. Or the few that do that warp into it and abandon their original points just from sheer peer pressure – often younger ones, often outside of the demographic. They certainly shouldn’t be trying to flame a middle aged male queer & all other liberal and socially conscious rights rights media representation-commenting activist for writing within his limits about middle aged queer male content. That isn’t how this. Mother. Fucking. Works. I shouldn’t HAVE to have little cluster hoards of LGBT men I adopt that hide in DM or outside of fandom space entirely and poke their nose out with peeps of cautious gratitude and fish around to see how supportive I *really* am – it *shouldn’t* have surprised one of my newly made best friends that I understood the problematic nature of penetration culture and heteronormative ideas of MLM in this fandom. Or to cautiously click my recs because they’re worried about getting fucking ass stomped for daring to speak up on their own representation. It shouldn’t BE like that.

You wanna support queer creators? Y’all missed that boat because you were too busy being headass to organize and actually petition the network. No, screaming at execs until they delete social media and put a black mark on the idea, @’ing accounts with spam until you’re put on a mute list and negatively impact marketing algorithms, that’s not petitioning. Building portfolios and presentations delivered sensibly are. A few did. Good for those people. Fuck everyone else. Virtue signaling nonsense. No wonder they’re so enamored with shitty mass marketing as a goal.

“WELL IT SHOULDN’T BE THAT WAY!”

Yeah well welcome to being a grown up. It is, whether you like it or not. It’s hard out here. America shouldn’t have a giant orange cheeto racist for its president either and yet here we fucking are. Life isn’t fair. So figure out how to actually put feet on the ground and change it instead of yodeling online like a bunch of idiots at the people trying to help you. Bobo sure as fuck did a long fucking time ago and never stopped. Maybe you should catch up. Cuz even at “slow and steady wins the race” he’s gone miles ahead of you while you’ve been distracted anally grooming like a cat or some shit.

Imagine how (not) far queer rights would get if every incremental step we took, even if it wasn’t far enough – TV or real life – we just let everyone scream and take away entirely because it wasn’t the kind you wanted. It’s regressive garbage. It doesn’t actually do you any benefit. It doesn’t do the community any benefit. It doesn’t do queer creators any benefit. It doesn’t do queer cinema history any benefit. Nobody but homophobes and other agenda’ed asshats benefit. Which is why they trained you to think like this to begin with. Stop.

[thealpacalypse-archive]

A handy guide to avoid accidental transphobia

For cis people in the Druck fandom who write fic, headcanons or meta and don’t wanna mess up 

Including questions like: Is David trans? Is he beautiful? Is he wearing a binder this whole damn time?? What’s his story?

hey everybody, I’ve debated making this post for a while now because I don’t want to seem ungrateful to the people who are already trying, and I know that there are other trans people in this fandom who are already doing a pretty good job educating people, but then again, why not share my thoughts as well. 

In this post, I’ll collect a few headcanons, meta, and other discussions that i’ve seen around here and that made me personally uncomfortable - now be aware that i’m only one trans person and that other people can have other opinions on this, but also i’ve done trans activism for a few years now and i’m a gender studies major, so I definitely know what i’m talking about. also, a fair warning: this is gonna get long as heck. okay, let’s go.

Is David trans? The truth is: We don’t know yet. We only know that the actor who plays him, Lukas Alexander, is a trans guy. Now I’ve seen various people speculate if that automatically has to mean that David is trans as well, and obviously, no. David could be cis for all we know, and yes, casting trans actors in cis roles can be a pretty cool thing. However, if you’re cis, it would be cool if you reblog trans people’s opinions on this instead of shouting loudly about your own opinion, especially if it is that David should be cis for whatever reason. Why is that problematic? Trans activists are currently fighting for representation in media. There aren’t many trans characters we can look up to, especially not such young characters in a show that has such a big impact on a generation of young people. Many trans teenagers have never seen themselves represented in media, and many trans adults like myself are still craving for that good, good representation. Most of the time when we get trans characters, they’re played by cis actors - and because it’s mostly cis men who play trans women and cis women who play trans men, it perpetuates the idea that trans people are just especially well dressed up men and women who trick people into believing they’re ‘the other sex’. (ugh) Even though that’s a different problem, it links to this one as well, because trans stories in media are rare, and it’s even rarer to have them portrayed by trans actors. Yes, it would be revolutionary and gender-redefining if trans actors could play cis characters (or just characters whose cis or trans status is never brought up in the first place), but that’s one step ahead of the game in my opinion and tbh, cis people saying that they want David to be cis for whatever reason is just... suspicious.

Is David beautiful? Well, I’m sure we can all agree that this boy is a sight for sore eyes, and i’m pretty proud of this fandom for weeding out the transphobic assholes who called him ugly at the beginning of the season. I’m sure by now they’ve all seen the error of their ways because HECK, in levels of attractiveness, David is a king. Though it might not be the best to call him ‘beautiful’, ‘pretty’ or other usually female-gendered words when you’re cis and describing him. Why is that problematic? Listen, there’s absolutely nothing inherently bad about calling boys pretty or beautiful or whatever - I personally am an absolute goner when it comes to soft boys™ and their aesthetics, and I also think that denying boys to be soft and pretty is misogyny in a way, because it’s implying that female-coded things are bad. However, there are many trans boys (and other trans and nonbinary folks who were assigned female at birth) who feel uncomfortable when these words are used for them because it can be linked to misgendering or remind them of times before they were out. Trans people are often highly aware of their body and looks, because the way we look is heavily observed, judged and policed by society, and most of the time, being seen the (gendered) way we identify is the only way we get respect and basic decency. We don’t know yet if David personally has a problem with being called beautiful or whatever, but we also don’t know how the actor who plays him feels about that, and there are a couple of trans boys in this fandom who’ve already expressed their discomfort with these words. So in order to protect them and make this fandom safe for them, it seems like a small price to pay to consider our choice of words more carefully when we describe David, and try to avoid female-coded words.

What about David’s chest? Now this one is tricky. I’ve seen discussions about it a lot: Does David wear a binder, did he wear it the whole time he was with Matteo, does he maybe not even bind, did he have a mastectomy? The underlying tone of these discussions is worry - we all want David to be safe and comfortable, and seriously, let me tell you once and for all: a binder shouldn’t be worn longer than 8 hours a day, it shouldn’t be worn when sleeping, and it shouldn’t be worn when doing sports (also relevant for our jock boy). It’s not safe and it can heavily damage the breast tissue, ribs, and lungs - it can be literally life-threatening. It’s perfectly fine to worry about this, but it still feels uncomfortable to watch cis people debate the state of a trans boy’s body in such detail. Why is that problematic? Trans people’s bodies have always been scrutinized and judged - by medicine, by the state, by society as a whole. We always have to prove ourselves and our bodies, and convince people that we’re not just tricking them into believing we’re someone we are not. A lot of ‘true womanhood’ or ‘true manhood’ apparently revolves around genitalia, at least cis people seem to think so. Which is why so many trans people (and let’s be real here, especially trans women) have to deal with the question: “Have you had the surgery yet?” - meaning, did they already undergo the one surgery among the various ones trans people might consider, that reshapes their genitalia in a way that is acceptable to society. Cis people often use these questions about our bodies and the way we change them to delegitimatize us and take away our status as a ‘real’ man or woman. Other than that, trans people’s bodies often get portrayed as something freakishly exotic by cis people; there’s a certain voyeurism about it, and it often gets sexualized - just look at the way trans women are treated in mainstream porn. Cis people examining our bodies, theorizing about what kind of operations we’ve had or haven’t had yet, and possibly sexualizing or belittling/dehumanizing us for it, that will always be very thin ice, because it comes with a lot of emotional baggage for trans people individually and as a community.

What’s David’s backstory? We’re all wondering that, especially since Druck is mixing up the whole Skam setting so much and we really don’t know what they have in store for us. Obviously I’m just as thirsty for theories as the rest of the fandom, but I’ve also read a few things that kinda irked me.  Here’s what to avoid: Referring to David as a girl or female in any way, speaking about him in the past with “she/her”-pronouns or coming up with a deadname for him. Oh lord please don’t. It’s nothing but misgendering and it’s so, so wrong. If you’re cis, also please reconsider posting headcanons for his backstory that contain heavy transphobia. Not only can that trigger trans people in the fandom (please use trigger warnings for that stuff, okay?), but there’s also a long history of cis people taking trans narratives away from us and making them only about suffering and pain. Sure, dysphoria sucks, the discrimination sucks, but me, a trans person, complaining about these things is WAY different from a cis person fantasizing about a really painful, possibly violent life for a trans character. Sure I want realism and I want a platform where we can discuss the truly awful experiences many of us have because we’re trans, but I wish that cis people would boost trans voices for that instead of coming up with their own fucked up fantasies about how badly a trans character might have been treated. If you’re writing fic or meta and you want to find an explanation why David changed schools so close to the end of the school year, you don’t have to dig deep into the trans pain to explain it. It’s not that uncommon for trans people to change schools, work places, etc. once they’ve transitioned far enough to feel comfortable - a new start makes the stuff like name changes, new gender presentation, etc. easier. And even if David’d move is related to transphobic experiences, I don’t really need to read detailed descriptions of it. You wouldn’t want to obsess over someone else’s trauma in vivid detail in front of them, so please be cautious when writing about something that’s seen as traumatic by many trans people.

Other useful pointers: There are trans people in this fandom who voice their opinions - seek them out, listen to them, boost their voices, don’t speak over them when they talk about trans experiences. Don’t focus too much on the fact that David is (or might be) trans. Like sure, include that in your writing, but make sure you know that it’s not the only and not the most interesting thing about him. In most regards, he’s just a boy, and he has a lot of character traits that tell us just as much about him, like the fact that he’s really closed-off, competitive af, artistic, a music lover and a complete emo dork, seems to have an active flight-or-fight response,... you see what i’m getting at. Let’s obsess about David on these terms, and I’m sure we’ll get a whole lot of new and interesting meta and fic about him that all of us can enjoy. 

[stfreds-a]

hello everyone! this is rylan (27, she/her, gmt+2) here to introduce you to the lil nugget of fucked up-itude that is freddie dawson! + more info, wanted connections. / @redridgeimp​

name: fredericke ann dawson nicknames: freddie, fred, st. fred age: 33 ethnicity: white gender/pronouns: cis female, she/her sexual/romantic orientation: bisexual/biromantic been in red ridge for: five years occupation: bartender at st. peter’s affiliation: none positive traits: nurturing, clever, good spirited, humorous, wise, motherly, diligent, quiet, loyal, protective. negative traits: closed off, impulsive, proud, resentful, self-deprecating, bitter, frightened.

BIOGRAPHY —

(WARNINGS for depression, death, abuse / domestic abuse, violence, underage sex, prostitution, child abandonment).

“why’d you get so obsessed with that word, freddie? who told you about saints?” “grandpa did, he said he’s named after st. peter”. “and why do you care?” “‘cause he said saints do good things. i wanna be a saint, too”. “why on earth would you want that?” “‘cause, ma — i wanna save everyone”.

—

there’s a lifetime from that moment to now. she can remember it, but it comes in flashes, a hazy hue of desert gold — she remembers the girl she was, bright-eyed and restless, never shying away from the trail of a question. prying, relentless: the whole world could be simplified to reasons and whys, and she would hunt them the whole day long, out in the dust storms like the wind, not even it could dare question her spirits. whatever happened to that girl? dull, watered down: erased, and her own has been the hand rubbing her existence off her own life.

el paso, texas, 2002. she couldn’t tell how it happened, or when it began — surely that summer of eighteen years ago must have played its part. her mother losing her job (too tired, too tired all the time: too sad to see a doctor, too weak to even get out of bed anymore), bills piling up. her older sister trying hard to keep things afloat with an underpaid gig at the laundry, but it’s not enough. it’s never enough. one day grandpa comes home and he’s making math in his head, calculating how much longer they can survive if he sells the farm, the truck, the horse. that night freddie asks, how come their dad’s not around? he could provide, he could help them? grandpa grows colder then, gaze darker than the clouds gathering on the horizon: i’ll burn this place to the ground before he sets foot in here.

that side of the family, either way, is cunning and insidious, and it comes knocking at the door, offering business, a way to salvage the farm. it is victor, freddie’s uncle, who brings the offering: grandpa throws him out in spite, and freddie watches it all while she’s sitting on the fence outside, skin burning gold from the sun, dust sticking to her like glitter. you’re pretty, victor says: you might be your family’s only chance, you know? she doesn’t (can’t) understand, but she’ll walk any way that can save grandpa, his horse, her mother’s strength, her sister’s dreams of becoming a nurse.

turns out the way is a dark and winding one, one where she has to suck up the terror when a man touches her skin and she has to say yes, please, more, i’ll be anything you want, the key to unlocking all the dark and sick desires you’ve buried in there and can’t speak to anyone, not your wife, not your daughter, not your mother: give them to me, she whispers, let the darkness out. at night she takes hour-long showers to try and rub the darkness off of her, and it won’t come off, it never does — but grandpa didn’t have to sell the farm, and even if he was against her getting a job (said she’d be a waitress, don’t worry pops, i got it), the day he realized he wouldn’t have to sell the horse he smiled: it felt like the gates of heaven themselves would open.

she hates her job, but doesn’t mind the company. they make her work in a dismissed motel, along with girls about her age and her damage, and there is an unspoken bond of loyalty between them — the guys, too, when they’re guarding the doors they smile at them as fondly as they would their sisters (but they wouldn’t let their sisters in a place like this, no). there’s carl, who never speaks but smiles at fred each time he sees her. there’s billy, drives her home every night before victor can volunteer. there’s sonja, who teaches her how to punch a man’s throat when he gets too handsy. there’s a sense of family, while her own begins unraveling around the suspicion that something dark is going on.

el paso, texas, 2005. the farm is saved, but mom’s not getting any better. depression sucks her up, little by little, and she drifts away more or less peacefully, doesn’t dare oppose resistance — she dies a morning of october, and neither of her daughters can speak of it. grandpa has to put down the horse a week later. she’d thought she’d saved everyone —— how come the darkness still won’t leave?

she grows sadder, dark as the clouds that won’t seem to leave their town alone. she finds an unexpected shoulder to cry on in the person of johnny, billy’s cousin and yet another one of victor’s men: johnny’s sweet, he makes her laugh. he begins driving her home at night instead of billy (his cousin’s not happy, she can see this: but he nods his agreement anyway and doesn’t protest, he can’t, johnny’s older and wiser and he’s still just a kid). the rest of it is as old and predictable as it gets: he says he’ll make an honest woman out of her, she retorts there needs to be an honest man for that to happen to begin with. they laugh, they kiss, they promise — five years later, she’s twenty-five and married, almost happy. almost.

el paso, texas, 2006. she wants to leave her job. johnny said he can’t stand the thought of someone touching her where he should, and she tries: but victor won’t have it, no, did you think it was a temporary gig? come on girl, you’re smarter than that. he’s filthy, he humiliates her — beats her just to prove he can, he owns her. she comes home with bruises and johnny’s angry: if you couldn’t quit, he says, it’s because you didn’t really want t. his bruises are added to victor’s, perfectly symmetrical blooms to decorate her skin. she begins cracking, her very essence tearing at the seams — she was trying so hard to save everyone, how the fuck is she gonna save herself now?

billy comes over sometimes. his commitments to what he likes to call “street things” keep him out of the motel now, but he needs to check on her — she makes up excuses to keep away, hide the signs. says she’s got a bad cold one day, the other she’s just not feeling. one day he’s got enough and forces her to open the door: a busted lip, both her eyes grown purple with the blows. his anger is scalding hot but she manages to calm him down — it’s okay, she says, he just gets angry sometimes. i’ll find a way out of it somehow. he leaves in a hurry, never shows up again: the unspoken fear in her mind, that he’s gone and done something terrible he’ll regret, almost brings a relief to her sore mind. perhaps he’s killed him, she thinks. perhaps i’m free.

johnny comes back and it’s business as usual. she tells herself she’s gotta be strong, gotta leave this town, gotta make it out alive. she packs a bag and leaves it hidden under the bed, but when she looks at the door she sees the world with johnny’s face, ready to eat her up, chew her out, over and over. it’s the day police comes knocking at her door that the world drags her out — in the person of detective jake graham, investigating the disappearance of william ‘billy’ dickinson — part of a much bigger investigation, that sooner leads to the arrest of victor rosce and most of his men (johnny included). she’s on her own: and when the detective figures out she needs help, he makes the way for a new life in red ridge, nevada. beaten, broken, ashamed, she says goodbye to texas; to freddie dickinson; to the comfortable shelter of her fear.

red ridge, nevada, 2015. red ridge ain’t much of an afterlife, but it works. they take her to a women’s shelter and bit by bit she puts her pieces back together. badly held in place, like a broken teacup taped back together — but it works. azul, the director of the shelter, turns out to be the family she’s missing — she finds a sense of home in the shelter, a new purpose behind the counter of st. peter’s, serving drinks for those who are heading for a fight at rogues’. like a gatekeeper, like st. peter himself: such a stark contrast from the hell she just left.

heaven is short-lived, and hell comes knocking back at the door. it appears in the shape of two parallel lines on a pregnancy test: johnny’s seed, rooted in her womb, giving way to evil like himself. she wants to throw up, hopes somehow that’ll rid her of this curse — her vision blinded, her ears are ringing. in fear, she turns to the only place she knows can provide comfort, or advice, or any sort of guidance while she has no fucking clue how to fix this: back home, to her sister.

el paso, texas, 2016. grandpa’s dying, angie says. old age catching up to him, so all he does is lie in his bed all day and ask for movies to be played continuously on his tv. it’s an odd family they recreate now, the nurse, the dying man and the pregnant sister. there is a soft, mournful balance found, until one night victor shows up demanding to see her and when angie claims freddie isn’t there he has his men beat her grandpa, thrash the house just to get the point across: he can. he owns her.

she sits by her grandpa’s deathbed that night and weeps. i’m sorry, pops, i’m so sorry: i tried so hard to be a saint, to save everyone. perhaps he’s just exhaling, but it sounds like he’s laughing. child, he says, saints always die either virgins or martyrs. you fucked up the first — now you just gotta pray you’re good enough for the latter.

somewhere between texas and nevada, 2016. grandpa dies two weeks later, and freddie’s not there. right after victor’s visit, angie gave her money just to get her away from them, and bring her trouble with her — grandpa dies a week before her baby’s born, taken out of her and delivered into a nurse’s hands without so much as a goodbye. they ask, would you like to see your baby? freddie turns and pretends she didn’t hear. wherever the baby will end up, it’s gotta be a better fate than the child of a martyr.

red ridge, nevada, 2017. red ridge felt like a home. for a hot second, it felt like things could start over again. she ends up in it again — in the thick of a burning town, trying to make her way through people that do not belong to her, desperately looking for something to hold on to. a year has passed since she last set foot in town, but st. peter’s has been waiting for her; the same arrangement of unfinished business, too. little by little, in red ridge, she begins putting herself back together.

CURRENTLY fred is a bartender at st. peter’s, occasionally lends a hand to azul evangelista for the women’s shelter, is in a committed relationship with detective jake graham. her uncle, her husband and most of their gang are in jail after the investigation jake led back in 2015. she hasn’t heard from her sister ever since leaving el paso. her baby was given up for adoption and she never learned anything more about them — nor does she plan to.

[stcrr]

elle fanning. cis female. she/her.  ／  lorelei “lorrie” gunther just pulled up blasting which witch by florence + the machine  — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty-three year old musician, i’ve heard they’re really -reclusive, but that they make up for it by being so +observant. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say chipped glitter nail polish, a silver gilt mirror, losing yourself in the beat of the music. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( ally, 22, est, she/her )

me: i don’t have a type when it comes to muses! also me: unveils this new muse that is also introverted and anxious but this time with more glitter. anyways, meet lorelei, starr to her fans, and lorrie to her friends, an observant girl, gifted mimic, misfit, mirror, and musician. kind of a jem and the holograms/hannah montana/perfect blue hybrid. details under the cut, like for me to hyu to plot !! 

(also her pinterest im really proud of it you guys)

statistics.

full name. lorelei amelia gunther. nicknames. lorrie. aliases. starr. occupation. singer-songwriter. age. twenty-three. date of birth. february 1st, 1997.  nationality. american. ethnicity. white (austrian and irish).  gender | orientation. cis female | queer. hometown. boston, ma. zodiac sign. aquarius sun, scorpio moon, pisces rising career/voice claim. lorde.

height. 5′9 weight. 120lbs build. willowy.  distinguishing features. wide eyes, full lips, constant bags, probably has glitter in her hair.  health. 7/10; has no major illnesses but eats like shit, has a whack sleep schedule, is a dysfunctional adult basically. she’s also big depressed but you know how it be. 

positive traits. ambitious, intuitive, observant, imaginative, independent,  neutral traits. talkative, intense, impressionable,  negative traits. anxious, avoidant, moody, secretive, resentful, aloof, 

likes. the nighttime, storms, baggy clothes, mountains, weed, lsd, books, blanket forts, lying on the floor, singing, cryptids, cemeteries,  dislikes. being herself, deadlines, dolls/puppets, the paparazzi, social media, planning ahead, the outdoors, conflict, the beach, 

history. 

(tw suicide mention, anxiety attack) (tldr at the bottom)

her mother called her lorelei after the sirens of the rhine; she insisted her first cries were the sweetest song. and lorelei continued to have a beautiful voice; she sang more than she spoke. but only at home. 

she never responded to lorelei, though, not really; it felt too grand for her. she was a chicken-legged girl who liked overalls and goosebumps books. she was just lorrie.

she grew up in a lower-middle class region of boston, ma. her father was a salesman, and her mother was a travel agent. 

for a while, at school, she didn’t speak at all. she was diagnosed with selective mutism at age five, and it took until she was thirteen to overcome it completely. 

this was not at all helped by the fact that her parents had a nasty divorce when she was seven years old. her father used her mother’s ten-year-old suicide attempt against her in court to prove she wasn’t stable, and gained full custody of lorelei and her two older brothers. her oldest brother, matthias, sided with their father, but the middle brother, jeremias, sided with their mom, and tried to run away to his mother’s house basically every month. he ran away for good when he was fifteen, living with his girlfriend’s family. 

what helped her overcome this selective mutism, at least at first, was her middle school drama class. at home, lorelei had always been an excellent mimic. she did her favorite impressions for her drama teacher, and she encouraged her to try some monologues and scenes. as she got better at acting, she realized that she didn’t have to be herself; she could be somebody else. and that made talking all the easier. 

by high school, she was no longer selectively mute, but was still anxious and shy. she was, however, a total drama kid, and still loved to act. she could be outrageous, incredible on stage; she wasn’t being herself, after all, so if people were judging her, it was the character they were judging, not her. 

still she was def the kind of girl who had a mental breakdown every four months and dyed/cut her hair/gave herself bangs. she could never quite shake the feeling that she was an outsider looking in, separated, different. 

she still loved music, and as she grew older, she started to write songs. it was her secret dream to be a musician. one of her theater friends talked her into singing one of them when she was sixteen, and then encouraged her to try out for the talent show. she was able to get through the audition, though she was a little nervous, but she knew it would be fine. she was on stage all the time, this would be fine. 

but this time, she had to be herself in front of the entire school, and she froze up, not a sound leaving her lips. she doesn’t remember leaving the stage; only remembers that suddenly, she was in the girls bathroom, sobbing her eyes out. 

her friends comforted her that night, partying in their basement like they always did, but thats when lorrie had an idea. what if she didn’t perform as herself? 

that’s when a starr was born. 

as lorelei dressed herself up in all the holo and glitter she had, she created starr in her head; she was born beloved, charismatic, fearless, this glitz and glamor girl who had it all, but what now? even at the top, she found emptiness. she was a beautiful supernova, so breathtaking you forgot she was really a collapsing star. 

starr was lorrie’s ultimate muse; she wrote song after song for her in the next few months, until, finally, she asked some of her friends to help her record a music video. she didn’t expect this music video to get 60 million views in a matter of weeks. 

royals, of course, blew the fuck up, and she had people calling her house to get her to sign with this record company or that record company, and her eventual producer flew her out to la with her dad. and, of course, the rest is history. (her dad also blew a lot of the money she earned as a minor but she got rid of him and that’s neither here nor there.) 

however, as she got more and more into the la lifestyle, she began to rely more and more on starr as an alter ego. people liked starr, after all, and lorrie didn’t even like herself. she played the part of the dignified, wise, and eccentric former queen during interviews, when recording, at after parties and award shows. 

even her first major relationship she got while acting like starr, someone fearless and fun, basically a manic pixie dream girl. if you’ve ever listened to the album melodrama, then you know how badly that ended. 

that’s around when she realized that starr had taken over her entire life. coming home from a house party absolutely zonked, she looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize herself, didn’t see that nerdy, overall-clad chicken-legged girl from her family pictures. 

she stripped her clothes off, scraped the makeup off her face until her skin was red and dry, dragged a brush through her hair to get rid of all the product, and pulled on a hoodie and leggings she had brought with her to la a year ago. she wrote the first draft of all the songs in melodrama in the coming hours. 

however, she still wrote from starr’s perspective, knew she’d perform it as starr. it may be far more personal, but lorrie wasn’t ready to come out just yet. in fact, she’s kind of been hiding the last year or so, a full-on depression mess. 

tl;dr lower middle class nerdy girl from boston overcomes crippling social anxiety through acting, finesses this into an alter ego to be a musician, hits it big, loses herself in the alter ego, has a disastrous relationship, and tries to become herself again. 

present.

first of all, her real name is Known to the public, but not her “brand” outside of starr. it’s proven to be a boon as of late; she’s known for basically being a walking sailor moon cosplayer, not a skinny woman in baggy jeans and a big black hoodie.

since she’s trying to work on herself, she’s kind of in a creative slump. like, she still has more than enough royalties off her music to keep her going, but her agent and producer are both pushing her to clean up some of her songs and record them for a new album. she can still write as starr, but it feels... different, now. melodrama was far more personal than pure heroine, and she wants to continue to grow; writing as starr feels like reverting back to her sixteen year old self. but she’s too scared to write as herself So....

at events though she’s still in the gauze and stars people expect from starr. 

trying to reach out to her mom and brother jer again. not her dad, fuck her dad. 

loves true crime, the supernatural, and conspiracy thought. is probably watching a true crime doc rn. 

she’s just starting to leave her house for the first time in like... a year? like she’s only started to get out again in the last few months.

as for drugs, she def drinks, but she’s more likely to smoke weed. also, she’s a big fan of lsd, but holds herself off to only tripping every few months.

is considering moving to the woods and being the lonely crone everyone whispers about. or maybe switching to voice acting. 

she fuckin hates dolls. literally her worst nightmare is being trapped in some collectors’ doll rooms.  

wanted connections. 

melodrama ex (0/1) - the ex she wrote her breakup album about. can be any gender. i literally want this connection so bad kfdskjkadsfds

best friend (0/1) - someone who was with her throughout her... Transformation

squad (0/3) - bc who doesn't love a squad. this is the vibe i’m going for (sound warning)

icon (1/1) - someone lorrie looks up to and like... majorly doesn't wanna disappoint. - filled by kami!!!

musician buddies (0/?) - they bounce lyrics off of each other, you know how it is.

rival pop star (0/1) - idk i just think it would be Neat. maybe even with a plot that they had a major falling out and now they have to pretend to get along.

hookups (0/?) - or other messy shit

texting crush (0/1) - really weird concept but like... i imagine lorrie would have the number or snap or insta or whatever of this muse and they get talking after melodrama and she just... lays it all out. they don't really talk in person, but she feels really close to them and definitely develops a crush

weed buddy (0/1) - they come to her house and smoke and complain its great

friend turned enemy (0/1) - maybe someone who adored starr but doesn't like who she is now?????? idk idk

enemy turned friend (0/1) - maybe someone who thought starr was fake af but then meets lorrie being Herself and is just like "oh you're a Human" idk idk

bonus.

as a thank you for making it to the end of this fucking enormous intro, please take a moment to enjoy these tik toks reflective of lorrie’s personality (they’re also???? great on their own) 

lorrie talking/singing to herself alone in her house 

honestly she has tinkerbell vibes

drunk mouths speak sober thoughts

and thats on mental illness

[dionysus-is-my-dude]

My thoughts on a view gender and sexuality-related things. (Includes my gender identity, my sexuality, and my opinions and feelings towards transgender people.)

Warning! Super long post! If you’re gonna leave mean comments, you better read the whole post and not twist my words around!

I love women. I just do. I’ve never been uncomfortable around a woman before. I grew up with men who came and went and little boys that sexualized me, but the women in my life -my mother, my many grandmothers, my aunts- were all constants. They weren’t the best at “family bonding” and sometimes they said hurtful things, but they were comfortable constants. I knew that they expected me to end up with a husband and kids because that’s what I seemed to be all about as a child (I was REALLY into that whole Disney princess thing). However, they also raised me to know that I didn’t HAVE to be with a man to be successful and live happily.

Now, my closest aunt is a lesbian. No one ever explicitly told me she was into girls growing up, It was just normal for me to see her with short hair and wearing men’s clothes and using men’s hygiene products. Even when her girlfriend moved in with us at one point, it was just seen as “yeah, that’s Aunt Jojo’s girlfriend, Rosa”. I just knew that Rosa was nice and gave me candy and she and I really got along. I was raised in a household where men were always coming and going, and the women always supported me. The one constant man in my life is my (step) Dad who has been there for me basically my whole life. He’s also not very good at bonding with an odd child as I am, but he loves the hell out’ve me. He supports me, he also raised me to know that I didn’t need a man in my life to make me happy -though he encouraged me when I talked about guys I liked back in school.

My mother let me pick out my own clothes when we went shopping. I always chose cute feminine clothes because I liked them. When I was around ten or so, I asked to look in the boys’ section, and she didn’t bat an eye and let me pick out an Avatar: the Last Airbender shirt that wasn’t in the girls’ section. I liked princesses, glitter, pastel colours, flowers, all that feminine stuff. Not because it was forced upon me. The women in my family are hardly ever feminine. I liked feminine things just because I liked them. To this day, even though I identify as non-binary, I mostly enjoy feminine clothes and items. I like flower crowns, pastels, puffy princess dresses, and being soft and sweet. I’m not submissive to men at all, though. To women, though, depends on the girl.

Now, I first realized I was attracted to girls during the summer before my freshmen year of high school. I’d realized I’d fallen in love with my best friend who had just moved away. I’d never felt love like that. All-consuming, dizzying, so sure, so pure. I wanted to make her so happy, and I wanted to hold her and kiss her and touch her and sing together and live in a big house together. I wanted it so badly that I confessed to her, and when she rejected me, I felt like I’d had my heart ripped out of my chest. I swore I’d never love again. (And it kinda feels like I cursed myself or something. I haven’t loved anyone like that since.)

By the time I was in high school, I’d started really understanding that I was extremely uncomfortable around boys, that their constant sexualization and taunting of me made me wish they would all just disappear. Being groped and catcalled and asked stupid questions just so they’d get a rise out of me...Granted, I went to one of the most idiotic, backwater schools ever, but those years spent there -and the incidents from childhood- made me see men in a horribly negative light. To me, they were nothing more than impatient predators who would rape and kill me as soon as they got the chance. My family started getting extremely protective of me. They didn’t trust men around me at all. They didn’t like any of the few guys that I’d dated. When i came out to my mother about liking women, she told me it isn’t the path she would chosen for me, but she’d support me.I plan to tell her that, no matter my romantic and somewhat physical attraction to men, there is just absolutely no way I’d ever be comfortable even being alone with a man. I would be in constant fear of being hurt in some way. Whether it be sexual assault or domestic abuse, I’d live in constant anxiety about watching what I say, do, and wear. (Pretty sure my only exception to my anti-male rule would be if Steve Rogers actually existed because he is the perfect man.)

I have extremely little experience being with women. I had a temporary girlfriend who was really just my friend in middle school. It was nice. I never felt like she’d hurt me or make me into a sexual object for her own pleasure. Her kisses were soft and made me feel good. We broke up when the guy she was interested in was available and we remained good friends until she moved away. I had my second, more official girlfriend my junior year. I was practically obsessed with this girl. I wanted so badly to kiss her and be with her all the time. I felt so good with her. But she didn’t really care about me. I was just a rebound from her last relationship and she never really cared about my feelings. And we all know about my last girlfriend. I felt incredibly comfortable with her. I honestly saw our future together. I was willing to put away my desire to have kids just to be with her. I was ready to move wherever she wanted, so long as I got to stay with her. I even felt completely ready to have sex with her! And that’s a huge deal for me! But, no, she had too many issues and fell out of love with me. Currently talking to a new girl. We’re pretty casual right now, but we’re hopefully going on a date this coming Sunday!

Anyway, my thoughts of transmen and women: You do you. If you feel like a woman, you’re a woman. If you feel like a man, you’re a man. Dress how you want. Clothes aren’t gendered unless you claim they are. If you wanna grow or cut your hair, do it. You wanna wear make-up, do it. Wear whatever the fuck you want and claim to be whatever gender you feel you are. I don’t care. HOWEVER, I do have feelings about genitals and female/male organs. I believe you are female if you have female organs. You are male if you have male organs. Genitals, well, I don’t think they make or break what you identify as. But reproductive organs are sex-based, not gender based. “Female” does not mean “woman”. “Male” does not mean “man”. “Female” and “male” simply identify what sex you are, not what your gender is. (It honestly pisses me off that so many forms ask for your “Gender” and offer “male” and “female”. Sociology 101 told me this difference on the FIRST DAY.

I identify as pansexual because I’m attracted to people no matter what their gender identity is. You’re a man? Hot. You’re a woman? Hot. You’re agender/nonbinary/gender fluid/whatever? Yep, you’re hot to me, too. However, I am extremely uncomfortable with penises. No matter who it’s attached to, unless it’s in art or porn that takes place far away from me, I’m repulsed by penises. I could never be intimate with a man or a transwoman who hasn’t had bottom surgery, not because I’m not attracted to the rest of them, but simply because I do not want to touch a penis nor have a penis touch me. This is due to my past trauma, not because I hate people with penises. It’s triggering. I would date the everloving hell out of a transman who hasn’t had bottom surgery and those with female genitals. I wouldn’t feel triggered or scared of being penetrated without consent -(though, yes, I do understand that rape can happen no matter who your attacker is or has).

I do not hate transgender people. I do not think they’re confused or strange or scary or predators. I just am very, very turned off by penises and cis men. I would very much date a transman who showed respect for me and my boundaries. I would not feel comfortable with anyone with an actual penis, though. That’s just how trauma has warped me.

Ok, I’m expecting all the backlash and people calling me a terf. I’d like to see how you’re going to argue with me and make me feel like shit because I won’t date transwomen with male genitals. I’d like to point out now that it’s not her fault that I don’t wanna have sex with her. It’s the men who terrified me with their male genitals and therefore completely turned me off from them. All right, come at me, haters.

[queer-sky]

this song lowkey makes me mad cuz ✨ why tff is it anyones business what someones gender is even if you were to date that person or have sex with them it doesnt matter anyone can have sex with anyone (as long as its consentual and of age ofc) like what even is gender who needs it whats the point of gender man ✨ i feel like i might be pan cuz i am attracted to lots of different people of different genders and different ways of how they express themselves and i think if i like someone i wouldn't care about their genitalia yk and if i say boys are trash i dont mean every boy i mean most cishet guys but is it bad to say that cuz it would kinda mean either including trans guys but i think they are way nicer at least the one trans guy i know he is amazing (its all based on the people i personally know) and most cishet guys i know are trash but if i dont include trans guys it would kinda mean they are different from cis guys which idk i dont mean that they arent real guys or anything they 1000% are real guys you are what you identify as but i just feel like they are more understanding and caring and all yk most queer people are i feel like cuz we know how it feels to be treated badly so we want other to not go through it

okay sorry for the long ass rant