#I wanna go back to being confident about my life cause nowadays I despair every other day like some miserable fuck.

[magical-xirl-4]

I just wanna feel safe for a good while and not in a constant lowkey state of flight omfg

[sanguinesprout]

Are things beginning to look up? Or is it just that I’ve always been looking down? (Some feelings about the future, some self motivation and general updates)

Welp, uhh I could start off this overdue post agonizing over the thing I do every time (about wanting to post but putting it off) but eh, w/e and I’ve berated myself in my head enough times already, gotta cut myself some slack for even having the drive to think so much about stuff in the first place eventhough it’s totally involuntary lol. Not being so harsh on myself... it’s still really hard, but I am much more aware of when I get too unreasonably critical of myself, and I can tune it down somewhat, so that’s something! :3

Things lately have been... well pretty samey same, mostly kind of neutral I guess. Though I have gotten caught into the ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ thought cloud followed by the hopeless and helpless feels quite a bit the past week or so, especially yesterday. 

I went to my sister’s house (still only her secondary home) and just being in a place so different from what I’m used to, somewhere I wish I could be or could only dream of having for my own, it just got me thinking of my bleak future (though I think about this pretty much any time and everywhere else too). Also the fact that whenever I’m with my sister nowadays I can help but feel such a difference in how I see her, how she grew into such an independent and functional adult with all these responsibilities and how I still feel like a confused kid in an adult’s body with absolutely no idea how to do or go about anything. I mean she tells me she doesn’t fully feel like an adult even now and I know she has her struggles, but in my eyes she is an almost perfect example of what is normal and well, what I am not.

She was really happy I went over and we spent a while doing some artsy crafty stuff and of course I was actually enjoying it too, but all the while I couldn’t stop my mind and thoughts from running into the doubtful, uncertain and despairing fog. I just kept thinking to myself ‘what am I doing?’ or ‘what am I going to do?’, ‘I’m so useless’ and ‘I’m such a burden’, ‘how am I going to survive’ and all these other gloomy things. I even felt kind of awkward, like some guest in some acquaintance’s home waiting to be told what to do even though this is nothing like that. I really hate how I’ve grown to become so dependant and come to feel so weak and vulnerable as a result, it’s always something that brings about those kind of thoughts, the ones where you just want to give up and disappear forever. 

But, that’s not going to happen. Even though my thoughts take me to such a dark place so often, I know I don’t want to give up or give in. Ever.

Even though things are unclear now, even if my mind is riddled with frustration and uncertainty all the time, I will work it out someday and be on my way to days, weeks, months and years where I can truly smile and know that I am on the right path. I am stronger than I think and if I keep going then anything is possible. I just need to keep believing in myself and trying my best! I can do it... I will do it!! C: 

(And you, random person out there that may or may not happen to read this, you can and will do it! Be where and who you truly want to be, be happy and free, keep going! Believe in yourself! I'm rooting for you too! ^^)

All is fine, I’ll be fine... no more than fine, I’ll be fantastic! *pumped up/motivation up!* It’ll take time to get where I want to be and maybe it won’t go the way I want it to, but if I stop now then there’ll never be a chance for anything to happen, that’s for sure! Go go me~! ^^

Huff huff, finally got that outta my system. There’s always so much on my mind, it’s hard to not get lost in there and even more so to find my way out and focus on other things. It got kind of cheesy, as usual, but who doesn’t love cheese? (except maybe lactose intolerant people? x3 But I assure you that my words although cheesy as hell, are completely free from lactose or dairy and some dairy free cheeses are actually pretty nice anyways hoho) :3 Can’t have my posts without some cheese and awful puns to liven them up, ya know~ :D

In the case of things kind of looking up, well I’ve been trying to spend a bit more time with my family and to learn some more life skills and to be more assertive in general and stuff. There’s only a tiny bit of progress in these areas so far and some things didn’t go so well, but I tried and I’ll try some more! 

I also got a phone call the other day, it was an appointment day for my counselling/therapy! (Idk what to call it still lol). My mum was curious and came in while I was on the phone, which made me a little uneasy but... but! I was kind of happy and excited to finally have gotten an appointment so I didn’t let it keep me from continuing and when she asked who it was I kind of beat around the bush a lil (my bad habits and annoying secretiveness/shame feels ugh) by saying ‘the other doctor thing’ or something like that, but she got it and was like ‘Oh, the counsellor?’ and kind of just acknowledged it quietly (with maybe the tiniest scowl or frown? I can’t remember ahhh ><).

Anyways something that lessened my fears/shameful feelings is that she already knows about me and the counselling sort of situation and hopefully that it is much needed and useful. Being told before means there is no need to be so secretive (though I still kinda can’t help it), it’s an example of the element of communication that I’ve felt has always been missing and causing misunderstandings and more anguish to myself! If only I could push to communicate these difficult things even more, without the softening and beating around the bush, but I do not have enough confidence yet and I don’t want to cause anymore worry to my mum. I would also like for her to be able to open up to me too, to be able to solve any of her and my dad’s hidden troubles, but that’s all wishful thinking. But in due time I guess, just more baby steps for now.

About the appointment, it’s next monday/approx 3-4 days, I’m kind of equally excited and anxious about it, I don’t want to hold any expectations or overthink so I’m gonna try my best not to *sweats*. I’m just really glad that I finally heard from them as it has been a while and looking online and seeing people had to wait months and even years for an appointment kind of dampened my spirits a little. I’m kind of feeling a little less anxious/more comfortable knowing it will be a lady I’m seeing, I hope it goes alright. It feels like such a big and independent step out to growing and getting better, something I haven’t felt for quite a while and I’m worried but I’m gonna be fine! All this inaction and slow moving and suddenly I feel like maybe things will finally get a smidgen faster, I’m gonna try my best no matter how long it takes though! c:

Ahh I did it! I wrote a post! After putting it off out of fear and all this grogginess, whooo! :D I was worried about my previous posts sounding so ridiculous, and it irked me a lot and made me wanna go back and edit but w/e, nobody got time for that and yolo! Lol XD

The rain has stopped and the fog has cleared, it’s time for the blue to return and the sun to come shine again~ I guess I’ll get to doing some productive stuff now ^^ Oh! I’ve been listening to these relaxing simple background instrumentals on youtube quite a lot lately. It’s so nice that people make such wonderful and helpful things for others, I’m really thankful! I’m gonna make a nice playlist of them someday. They really do help with concentration and de-stressing, super duper recommend! :D

Kick ass and have a wonderful stress free day! C: