#I woke up at 5am and dissociated for 2 hours

[blaithnne]

boobtina beakley

[shxxtingstarss]

I really didn't think things could get worse, but they did.

I had a dissociative seizure last night (together with a panic attack that woke me up at 3am) and it was horrible (edit: my therapist thinks the seizure might've been triggered by strong hyperventilation during the panic attack and was not a dissociative seizure, nevertheless it was an experience I didn't need on top of the panic attack). I didn't even know this existed until I experienced it myself and googled the stuff today. I don't really have the words to properly describe this experience but my legs actually hurt really badly for hours after that (it was mostly my legs and arms that had convulsions and/or were shaking uncontrollably). I was also terrified of all this stuff just happening to my body without my control, but this time the panic attack didn't give me that immense fear of dying/feeling as if I was dying as I had it saturday night. I just had these terrible convulsions together with crying, sometimes hyperventilating, almost screaming, everything was out of control. And when I woke up a few hours after it happened, my whole body was still shaking a bit and I felt terribly weak.

My ex-partner and I are still living together and yesterday we had a talk about the fact that we both want to start over and give this another chance and that we need a lot of change but that we both know it is worth it and our connection is special and something very precious/valuable. But: my ex isn't ready to forgive me and trust me again after the last year that we spent fucking up our relationship.. and he said he needs to process a lot and just can't start over right now. He was first talking of months he might need which sounded completely off and didn't make a lot of sense, bc I think the more we postpone it the worse it gets. I actually think even if it's really hard for the both of us, we should really start over right now. I also talked a few people and read a lot about relationship studies and professionals etc, and I always came to the same conclusion: the way we openly talked about everything yesterday and the fact that we both see and feel that we want to try it again because it is worth a lot, we should try it again now.

I am not 100% sure about the trying it again either, and I know a lot of the intensity of my emotional reaction just stems from my fears of being completely alone in this world, having no one I can trust this much and nowhere I feel this safe as I do with him, but maybe that isn't a "wrong" reason either, a little bit yes, because I can't imagine just surviving like this rn, but I also don't know how tf I should find this kind of safety in this world out there that I fear so much at the moment.

A lot is going on and I couldn't feel/be much worse, I can't eat since saturday (managed to get a bit of liquid food down in the last two days and two bananas, but that's it), I had this seizure last night, had multiple terrible panic attacks, mostly at night and they woke me up, sometimes also in the morning and then I get right into a hot bathtub so I could at least breathe again... today and last night were definitely part of the worst hours of my life..ever, today I woke up at 3am from the panic attack that lead to the seizure, at 5am from another panic attack, couldn't sleep for two more hours, then slept from 7 to 8 and then after another panic attack and a bath that didn't really help a lot I decided to just take one pill of my old meds that I also took when I had the almost 5-hour-lasting panic attack saturday night so I could somehow sleep again. I was well aware that I would sleep away most of the day, but that was kinda the goal, my legs still hurt from the seizure and everything felt threatening and terrible, I just couldn't be awake. So I took it and slept almost 6 hours until 2 pm, then stood up and decided to leave the house as fast as possible so I could get some kind of distraction and went to F's garden to do some gardening. At least last night's panic attack didn't include the fear of dying, maybe because I was sleeping next to F and he woke up when I hyperventilated and helped me calm down my breath and it was actually possible for me to fall asleep again after half an hour or so. But now that we talked again today (it's complicated) we decided to not sleep in a shared bed as long as he isn't ready to start over, because it just constantly hurts me. He cuddled me last night and there is nothing I want more rn than him cuddling me, but only if he's ready to move on and fight for this together with me. He isn't, so cuddling just made me more sad and frightened of all this insecurity.

A lot of chaos, a lot of horror and just terrible stuff going on inside of me, my nervous system reacts as if my life was threatened constantly...since last tuesday basically. This is horrendous and I don't really know what to do anymore neither can I do much more. Will take one of the old pills now so I can sleep and I very much hope to not have another panic attack and/or seizure waking me up.

[bucketofchum]

hey guys

in light of recent stressors (the sudden financial stress that came on Thursday night), I have done a very poor job of taking care of my body. That said, I am not doing very physically well. Thursday night, I didn’t sleep because I was having panic attacks. So I kind of.. dissociated and took a walk outside at midnight. I walked for about an hour or two before heading back and my knee has been bad lately and idk I think walking might exacerbate it but also there is a heat wave happening here rn and it has made the inside of my room stifling and unbreathable.

I passed out for a bit a couple hours after I got back and woke up in some physical pain but once I was able to, I got right back up and walked another two hours outside under direct heat without water.. it was.. not a good move and I didn’t actually realise that the heat wave was.. record breaking? like it had not been this hot since the 1800s... but my dumb ass went out there with no sleep or water with the sun high in the sky and by the time I made it home, I had a pounding headache.

took a really really long shower but came out of the shower sweating and just... I made some food and just did nothing all day. Ate, drank lots of water, and just straight up did nothing. I wanted to work but I couldn’t breathe in the room - just sitting was.. pouring sweat. I kept thinking it was just because of my mental state - and maybe also physical state - but I think the record breaking heat wave also had something to do with it, hah.

and then last night I also didn’t sleep.. at all. I guess I was planning to at some point but I wanted to be up at 5am -- it’s dumb -- just to say hi and good morning to a friend and I didn’t want to miss that for the world, and I was afraid if I even so much as closed my eyes, I’d miss it and idk. So I didn’t sleep at all. And hah, come 5am, I said my hello, but felt so disgustingly nauseated and delirious I questioned by choices.

but having said hi, since the sky was still dark, I went out for another walk for 2 hours, and I felt more awake I guess? sun came up as I made my way home and then I got some groceries in the place half a mile away (since I was up and out walking anyway) and it’s been about 60 hours since I’ve slept but I can’t sleep now

I’m drinking water though - staying hydrated

I’m just

not doing all that great and I guess I had to write it down...

I’m going to try to get some work done though while I��m up and before it gets too hot to physically do anything