#I would do it myself but sadly have zero editing ability

[paintedlady-bluespirit]

Can someone pretty please point me in the direction of a zutara edit that uses ‘the great war’ by taylor swift???

[christies-fleur]

Burn My Skin - Part I

Pairing : Cordelia Foxx/Goode x Fem!Reader

Words count : 2144

A/n: This was previously published in an old blog of mine, however I’m editing all of my stuff from the zero. Sorry for any grammar errors, English ain’t my first language :)

Part II

You've been at the academy for a year now, you arrived at the same time Zoe did, she was your first real friend and currently the best one, you trusted her with your life, she was one of the best parts of that place. You're used to getting along with everybody, except for Maddison, she was a spoiled bitch, always awakening the impatient and rude side of yours. You got to the academy after accidentally settling fire on some things in your old house, starting with a dish cloth. In the beginning your mother said it was normal since you couldn't control it yet, she even tried to help with your new powers, claiming that they were a gift you had inherited from your grandmother, unfortunately an eventual panic attack lead you to entirely lose control which ended with a whole kitchen on fire. Your mother felt for you, sadly informing that you couldn't stay there till you fully learned how to control your abilities, but that she knew a perfectly safe place for you.

After explaining everything you needed to know, finally giving you the privilege of learning about your family and acknowledging the existence of witchcraft, your mother made the phone call that would change your whole future in a matter of hours. Myrtle Snow knocked on your door, sweetly greeting you as she informed you'd have to go with her. You were grateful for the conversation with your mother, you've heard of things you didn't even know  that existed, but after a bit you got excited to the idea of being a witch. During the way to the Academy, Myrtle gently explained you'd have the opportunity to control and develop or even discover new powers. Occasionally solving a few doubts here and there, making you entertained all the way to the beautiful, huge house. Just when you came in, a few girls dressed up with long capes and black masks tried to scare you off, however you just laughed at their little show.

" Why didn't you get scared? Zoe almost shit herself last week" A short girl with long brown hair asked, giggling to the other girl's mention

" You guys will have to do much more than that to scare me off. Where I used to live I was the one playing pranks. I liked the show tho. I'm Y/n, what're your names? " You asked with a smirk while they attentively stared at you. They introduced themselves as Queenie, Madison, Nan and Zoe, recognizing her name as the girl Nan talked about scaring her off. You guys kept talking, it didn't take too long to get comfortable around them which was unusual since you frequently judged people, stepping back before even knowing them. For some reason you sensed they weren't that bad. Maybe it's a new power?! The Maddison girl spoke shit sometimes, she was the least friendly, but there's always someone like that. You didn't really care at first. You got so carried away with the nice talking that you didn't realize a blonde woman walking next to you. " I can see the girls have already introduced themselves to you. Sorry I couldn't get you when you arrived, I was finishing some tasks. Welcome home, my name's Cordelia Foxx, I'm your headmistress and teacher, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, honey "

Your brain could barely translated her words as you wondered if you had just encountered an angel, she was too heavenly to be real. You didn't know for how long you stared at her, too lost on your thoughts to formulate words until Queenie poked your shoulder, asking if you were still alive. Great, already making a fool of myself, you think.

" I-I'm sorry. Uhm, you don't have to worry about that Miss Foxx, the girls are great! " You stutters a little, forcing a smile " Oh, I'm Y/n by the way."

" I know, sweetheart. Please call me Cordelia, will you? We're friends now. I hope you'll enjoy your staying here and feel free to talk to me if you need something "

" Uhm yes, thank you! Good to know you, Miss Fo... Cordelia "

" Alright girls, go to your rooms and get ready for the next class. I'll take Y/n to her room and we will find you later  " She ordered and the girls went away, waving at you on their way out, leaving you alone with the breathtaking blonde. Before directing you to your room she gave you a quick tour around the place whose you learned was even bigger than it seemed, you were fascinated. Cordelia also explained a few rules and a little bit of the Academy's story. Her voice was so calming you could listen it all day long. You kept on nodding and smiling, thinking you didn't make it so obvious you barely payed attention to all the informations she gave you, all you were focused on was how sweet she was. After a while she left you in your shared room with Zoe, excusing herself on her way back to her office.

And that's how you had met her, one year had passed, so many things happened but still you caught yourself in pure awe whenever she'd make her way towards you. The year was filled with surprises and improvements, especially regarding your abilities. You had managed to control fire, which was with no doubt your greatest gift, and also discovered new powers like Myrtle insinuated back when you met. Nan helped you develop your sixth sense about people and some situations which added much more confidence to yourself and the situations around you. You could teleport almost perfectly with Zoe's help and your newest goal was to dominate Concilium, which consisted on imposing one's will onto another, also known as mind control. It could be useful if used in the due situations, unlike Maddison who used it all the time for people to serve her. The other great part was that you became real friends to Cordelia, you would always hang out in the greenhouse together as she loved showing you the plants and potions she had, teaching you about each one of them, when around her things were just easygoing. The headmistress was a lovely, caring and delicate figure, which unfortunately made some consider her weak, thinking they had the right to degrade and disrespect her as an authority and person inside the house. Her mother Fiona was one of them, but you knew she was just a drunk old rag with no limits. Her issues were so bad she was probably just seeking for a punch-bag to relieve her shit on. However that didn't give her any right to be that way to her own daughter. She was too harsh on Cordelia, always downplaying her efforts and making her feel like she's not worthy or enough.

One day she slapped Cordelia's face, leading her to fall off the chair as she silently cried, one of her hands covering the wounded flash of her cheek. Your heart shattered and infuriated when witnessing such atrocity. That day you faced the Supreme, walking into the kitchen as you begged the heavens to give you enough control not to burn Fiona alive right there. You help Cordelia's soft body up, pulling her closer to your front in attempt to protect and comfort her from the shame and humiliation that bitch she called mother provided her whenever she could. You argued with Fiona, if she didn't hate you before, she definitely did from that moment on. The following hours you stood by the blonde's side, all night long, sweetly whispering reassuring reminders and hugging her trembling body in your arms as she cried herself to sleep. You didn't leave her until you were sure she was safe again. You couldn't sleep that night, thinking back at the devious figures the woman unfortunately had in her life. Her mom and also her husband, he was the most disgraceful one. You couldn't lie saying their closeness didn't affect you, a part of you cringing at how stupid that man was, not believing he was worthy of such a goddess as you sensed all the atrocities he'd do whenever he was out of her sight, and the other part of yourself hurting for the simple fact he was married to her. He'd get to kiss her beatiful lips, he could admire her with no hesitation, guilt or fear of what she would think, he'd touch and love her in their privacy. He had everything you dreamed of, even knowing he didn't deserve it. Hank made her cry several times, making the poor thing run to your arms in the first opportunity she had. It drove you mad, your head screaming for you to just end him up, you couldn't tho as he was still her husband. Nevertheless you would never abandon her, promising you'd be there at her worst and best.

The first time you severely had your heart broken by their relationship was during one of your sleepless anxious nights. You left your room after hours of tossing and turning, thinking that maybe a tea would help. Heading to the kitchen tho had never been so dreadful as you accidentally heard moans and slamming sounds coming from Cordelia's room, belonging to no other than both of her husband and hers. Your vision got blurry and your stomach immediately turning upside down, bile coming up your throat as a new wave of anxiety rippled through your skin. You ran back to your room the second your legs obeyed your commands and cried yourself until exhaustion took over your mind. You wouldn't get why it hurt so bad but that event changed something on you. You knew that sex was just normal in a relationship but picturing Cordelia like that with him made you sick. Jealousy drowning you from inside out.

The morning after you decided you would walk away from her, for the sake of your mental health. It was childish and weak, you knew, but you couldn't be around her without imagining all the things they'd done and it killed you. Also, you knew she'd hate you for developing such feelings towards her. She'd think you're a freak for taking advantage of her friendship, using her image for such disgusting things. Afterwards, that's what you've been taught your whole life by people around you. During your youth you've heard countless times of how wrong lesbianism was. Anyhow, you wouldn't give ears to any of them as you found it a complete nonsense, but back nowadays, at that specific time you could listen their voices again. What if Cordelia thinks the same? You had to get rid of such feelings and being around her would never be the solution.

Zoe realized your sudden indifference towards your teacher, weirded out at such actions as she knew how much of a puppy you were for her. She confronted you about it in attempt to lighten her mind about what was going on. Your best friend cooed you all the way through your heartbreak, supporting you the best way she could. No words were enough to thank Zoe enough for her care and attention towards you, she was some sort of angel in your life. You made sure to be cautious enough not to bump into Cordelia within the Academy's walls, changing your lunch schedules so you wouldn't have to sit with her, teleporting when hearing her voice, keeping yourself quiet during classes and only exchanging the basic words with her a few times she'd try initiating a conversation.

However avoiding her didn't go unnoticed by the witch, your sudden coldness sending creepy chills up and down her spine. Cordelia would constantly find herself digging her own memories as she tried understanding what she had done to scare you away, hurting when failing her research. You could sense her curious eyes all over you you every step you take even if you couldn't directly see her. You just knew she was there. Zoe would tell you she was constantly asking about you, worried if you were going through some bad crisis and wondering what she could do to help. The younger witch only letting her know you were going through a delicate moment but that you had required to be alone for a while, reassuring Cordelia that you were safe tho. Just like that a long time had passed, you barely even seeing the woman anymore, hearing she was too occupied with her mother and the Council. Whatever. You were almost getting over her. Maybe

[a-hidden-weeb-an-open-queer]

Yo whores, bros, and other nonbinary folks, Naruto? Yeah that shit is shit. Sorry >.<

Big shocker when I say this, but the systems in Naruto make little to no sense. From the hospital system to the education system, all of it SUCKS.

And one of the biggest offender is ANBU - yea those bitches.

ANBU are suppose to be the eliet, the best of the best, the type of soldiers that follow all orders and can kill with their pinkies.

Woah. Weird. Because what we get are little pussies.

In order to keep my sanity, I've convinced myself that it's done on purpose - because pointing out bad writing is more boring then desperately trying to excuse bad writing in the form of head canons and theories.

You cannot tell me otherwise that the ANBU was created by a drunk Hashirama and everyone just went, "you got it, boss man."

The system is so deeply flawed that it's getting soldiers killed - good soldiers. And when you run out of quality, you replace it with quantity.

The ANBU is built to accept the highest portion of people who are willing to sell their souls to their government. The way to do this is easy, you make the test easy - that's right, it's all a lie hoes.

Now, how do I know that Hashirama drunkly came up with this system? Well...i dont because SOMEONE doesn't give us good historical backstories - but I theorize this is how it went down.

BECAUSE NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE.

First of all, why the masks?

"B-but Weeb-san, the masks are to identify and give a persona to ANBU soldiers"

Incorrect, ignorant fake person who I made up for this argument.

You see, you don't want your unidentifiable ops to be...identify. We know that ANBU ops keep the same mask all throughout their career, so what's stopping a gossiping citizen from recognizing the same ANBU? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I bet my whole ass that there would be an underground Bingo book about ANBU ops, because oh, look at that: All it takes is a single person to record an ANBU's mask and abilities to completely nullify the whole point of ANBU.

The people who need to be identifying the ANBU are the same people who allowed to know the identities of ANBU - making the whole mask system fucking pointless.

Now, look, I'll admit that the whole 'adopting a persona to make you feel less shitty about murdering an entire family' is a valid argument - IF their personas wasn't so obvious.

So here's what you should do to fix it:

Keep the mask idea, but have them all be the same.

Keep the personable names, but allow them to be assigned by an overseeing captain or be personally choose - it's important to have these names to be personal and not just numbers; an easy way to forget who you are and going insane is by being completely stripped of who you are.

Oh. By the way, it's super easy to identify people outside of ANBU masks.

An example: when Kakashi was in ANBU, his hair and voice was unchanged.

How the fuck did no one go: "huh, it might be easy to identify this literal child genius based off his squeaky voice and weird ass hair. We should probably hide it with THE LITERAL HUNDREDS OF JUTSU THAT WERE CREATED EXACTLY FOR THIS REASON."

Oh, and right, let's not forget the tattoos.

No, you didn't hear me incorrect: the organization that no one is suppose to be aware that you're apart of gives you a tattoo. A tattoo. Right.

Can you guess where they're suppose to go? That's right bitch, on the shoulder. Right. Sure. Okay.

What, are ANBU suppose to fuck with their shirt on for the rest of their life? Oh sorry, I forgot the ANBU actively discourages having a life outside of being mindless shoulder because that's defiantly not a recipe for disaster - my bad.

"Oh but Weeb-san this is so they can assure that no one can copy and pretend to be an ANBU."

Yes, yes, I'm aware that the ANBU typical unform shows the shoulders. That's great. Sadly, there is a magical system in place which literally have zero limitations - looking at you space rabbit. Trust me, a tattoo is not the solution here.

So how do we fix this:

Add seals to the back of the mask to make it A.) Impossible to remove without the correct hand seals (which should change weekly btw) B.) Makes all voices monotone and androgynous.

Use the magic system. Please for fucks sake, use it. Everyone should have the same appearance; looking badass isn't an excuse for being a dumbass.

The tattoo system is in place to avoid the ANBU from being infiltrated. Allow me to quickly say: infiltrating ANBU will have to be done by someone who has inside information - the ANBU literally have their own sign language. Plus, I'm sure the members are close enough to realize when someone isn't suppose to be there. Overall, the tattoo system is fucking pointless. Just get rid of it.

Some headcanons~

Therapy. Seriously. There should be a mandatory check up every three months. You're telling me we have a whole clan who specialize in mental health and we aren't going to use them? Fucking dumbass.

ANBU headquarters should hold everything a person would need: sleeping quarters, cafeteria, medic area, and rec area. For most ANBU this is a life style; it makes no sense to force PTSD riddle, lonely soldiers into normal population unless they actively choose it.

I do believe this is cannon-ish, but teams should created for a single specialization.

There should be captain and co-captain; this is just to assure that a dumbass decision isn't made. Or teams should have a voting system.

Retirement should be encourage. Shocker, but having a useless teammate is very dangerous. If someone is incapable of continuing in ANBU they should be discharged and put into a different branch where they can be even more useful.

ANBU should be a very respectful position and shouldn't be taboo to talk about or anti-famous. This is less about the organization and more about how the public perceives them - I just find it very weird that being ANBU isn't idolized by children or lower ranked shinobi.

I defiantly forgot a few points, but honestly who gives two shits? I'll just edit it later lmao.

See you later, sexy mamas~

Xoxo

[isitreallyok]

Productivity and ADHD

We’re back at it again dear readers. As you all may have noticed there hasn’t been much in the realm of content this week which funnily enough brings me to our topic. I wanted to take a little bit to address productivity as a concept and talk a bit about my pressures in trying to maintain schedules.

Productivity seems like a really broad topic to try to cover.

It definitely is so I’ll leave it relevant to how it impacts my day to day and how I try to cope with it. Productivity is something that I have always struggled with. A part of my bipolar disorder comes with a steaming hot side of ADHD. Many people who don’t have experience with ADHD think that it is just people who can’t sit still or are constantly needing to do ten things at a time. While not entirely inaccurate, there is a lot more to ADHD than just this.

My experience with ADHD comes in a number of forms and one of those is starting a myriad of projects and not sticking with any of them until completion. This blog is just one example of that. When I first started things up I wanted to maintain a really tight Monday, Wednesday, Friday posting schedule so that I had routine content and a regular way to reflect on the challenges that life has been throwing my way. I got a post up Monday and now it is Saturday at 10 PM and we are only now at the second post for the week.

That isn’t a huge deal though. Like you mentioned when you first started your blog, this is a personal blog so you can feel free to work whenever you are able. There shouldn’t be any pressure about posting here.

You’re right. However here is what I have been working with. This entire week I have had idea after idea about what I want to write about and how I want to go through it. There are so many post ideas at this point that I have forgotten about half of them and sadly I lost the document I thought I had saved them in so lets just wait until the inspiration strikes again. The problem I’ve run in to is not actually that I have not wanted to write it’s that instead I have been in a place where I have been hyper focused on something else and by the time I even think to write for the evening it’s two days later.

A little peek behind the curtain would show that I have scheduled most of my posts to go up at or around noon on the normal release days. They are actually written a day or two in advance to give myself a bit of leeway just in case things get too long or the topic I’m working on writing about becomes too much in that moment. This week, rather than writing I have been hyper focused on Christmas shopping and finishing up my watch through of Kamen Rider Zero-One. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I put myself under a bit of pressure about getting a post up when I went four days without actually blogging.

Why pressure yourself though? The blog is still small and all that is going to do is hamper your productivity even more.

Now you’re getting it. The thing about the way that my ADHD works is that I either have to have four things going on at once or I’m hyper focused on a singular task and don’t stop until it is completely perfectly. Often times the focal point of what I’m doing bounces between the two. Instead of simply working on things leisurely to a point where I’m content with what I have written and then posting it I find myself usually playing a video game or watching a television series while I’m working. At the same time as doing both of these things I also manage to be holding at least one, though usually closer to three, different conversations via Facebook Messenger topics as well as doing something on my phone that is also completely unrelated to any other task I’m performing in that moment as well.

Circling back for a moment to my hyper-fixation issue, the thing that I find myself focused on is not often the task at hand. Often times it is one of the many other things that I go am doing in the moment that becomes the task that has my attention. Usually these tasks are things that I would consider lower priorities, but require less brain power to complete. A problem of mine that I have that I am working towards changing is that when I hyper-fixate on something it must be done perfectly. When writing this means heavily editing something to the point of being willing to publish what I’ve written in that moment, when gaming it means that I have to achieve high scores, when cooking ingredients must be handled precisely, et cetera. Despite the fact that they require less brain power and effort to complete, the things that get my attention during a shift towards hyper-fixation typically become incredibly exhausting to work on.

If you’re unable to control what you fixate on when you’re multitasking, why not make all parts of the multitask related to the content you are trying to put out?

This is a very good point that to be completely honest has not been something that I have attempted very often. The difficulty when it comes to a large portion of things I write about here is that in order for me to do that I typically would need to have articles relating to the topics at hand up. Often times I will do a definition search to make sure that I know the top results to establish a baseline of what people may already understand about a topic, but finding videos relating to topics to have playing on a secondary screen while working and also reading an article about things isn’t always feasible.

For example, when I sat down to write this post I got distracted by Kamen Rider and put it on hold for a few hours because when I finished the episode I was on I had to go to the store. I got back and thought about how I wanted to address the topic and started with a google search of just the word productivity. I found a lot of information in the top results regarding workplace productivity and productivity of manufacturing, but not a whole lot regarding personal productivity in the day to day tasks. So rather than actually relating any of what we are talking about here to the workplace, I decided to just kind of wing it and go a different route. Without having that information present my mind jumped to about forty five different places, including about fifteen unrelated topics.

So while doing that works wonders in some aspects of the day to day, I don’t think that it will serve as a catch all.

I’m beginning to see a bit of what you mean about productivity being tricky to manage.

Despite all of the problems with hyper-fixation and focus issues, one of the biggest issues that I have with productivity actually has nothing to do with these factors or the pressure I put on myself to perform. Instead the problem stems from my own expectations of myself. As I mentioned earlier, the proclivity towards perfection when I put something out into the world with my name on it definitely exists. This means that if I’m not happy with something I typically will not release it. Seems fair enough, right? Well not quite.

I have found that sometimes when I focus on getting things just right before I release something I am actually not concerned about the product, but instead I am worried about failure. Thoughts akin to “What if people don’t like what I’m doing with this?”, “Will my audience truly understand the point I’m trying to make?”, and even “I understand this reference but it’s so niche I’m pretty sure that no one else will.” go through my head all the time as I’m working on various personal projects. These thoughts inhibit my ability to maintain productivity in what I’m working on and often result in dropping the task entirely before completing even a draft that I could release in the future.

How will you know what people think about your work if you never are able to release it though?

Ah, the age old question of would I be successful if I tried? It’s such a tricky thing. I find myself wanting to release a ton of different things that I have tried to work on. I even have managed to push myself out of my comfort zone to do exactly that in sharing ongoing projects as I am working on them. I’ve found that accountability does help me to have the desire to continue to work on projects because even when I receive negative feedback it still gives me a way to improve in the future, even if it feels bad to hear in the moment.

I have found that working on showing myself a little bit of compassion when it comes to putting out things that I may not find perfect has been wonderful. Though I’ll discuss more on self compassion in the future. Allowing myself the freedom to understand that perfection is a concept best forgotten about and accepting that failure is a part of striving towards success has been monumental in allowing myself the ability to set more attainable goals in my projects. Without that line of thinking, I likely would not have had the courage to make these posts public and to allow myself to be so vulnerable with the entire internet.

As usual though at this point we have strayed pretty far from the topic that I had originally planned for today. Initially this post going to be about productivity in the more mundane aspects of daily life. I think that will be the thing that we talk about next time. So now that we know what will be discussed next time here are our reminders three. You are stronger than you think, you are beautiful, and gosh darnit you are worth it! Keep kickin butt and I’ll see you next time, lovelies!

[letterboxd]

How I Letterboxd #3: Dave Vis

If you are one of the thousands of Letterboxd completists attempting to log every film on our official top 250, you have Dave Vis to thank for keeping that list current. He tells us why he adopted ownership of the list, how he felt when Parasite “dethroned” The Godfather, the curious case of A Dog’s Will, and several Dutch filmmakers worthy of discovery.

You wear your tenure proudly on your profile (“Member since 12/11/2011”). How did you come across Letterboxd way back then? I joined in the beta days when I got an invitation in November 2011 from a good friend who knew I was into film. Up to this date, I have no idea how she got a beta invitation for a movie geek website from New Zealand, but I’m happy she did!

Here’s the $49 question: How do you Letterboxd? I joined because I found it useful to keep track of everything I watched. At that point, I was probably still ticking off films from IMDb’s Top 250, and Letterboxd was a cool way to make other lists and see how I was progressing. When I started using the site more often, I also got to follow more users and enjoyed reading their takes on films. I don’t follow a lot of people, just a few that I know in real life and some other early adopters of the site whose opinions of film I got to value.

Talk us through your profile favorites. What spoke to you about these four films? The pragmatic reason for these four is that they were the last films I watched that got full marks from me. So the four favorites on my profile keep changing as I come across more films that I think deserve five stars. About the current ones: Jaws, of course, is an absolute classic, maybe even Spielberg’s greatest. How he creates that much tension with minimal exposition is masterful. Blade Runner 2049 baffled me, especially on an aesthetic level. I love how the story slowly unravels in probably one of the best world-building efforts of the last couple of years. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring doesn’t need much explanation, I think. Peter Jackson did what was generally thought impossible and in a way that had me walking out of the cinema in awe of the spectacle and production design. Last but not least, Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. I’m a huge fan of the Studio Ghibli films and this one, [as well as] being the studio’s unofficial first, is probably my favorite. You can just tell that they worked years to get Hayao Miyazaki’s life’s work to the big screen.

Let’s get down to brass tacks: for the past six and a half years, you’ve been running the Official Letterboxd Top 250, one of our most popular and important lists. What prompted you to start the list? Did you think you’d be keeping it going this long? At least part of the credit goes to someone else on Letterboxd, because even my list is a cloned one! A great deal of thanks goes to a member called The Caker Baker, who sadly isn’t part of the community anymore, for having the idea of doing this list even before me. On the exact day Letterboxd introduced a sorting option by average rating on the Films page, he created the first top 250 list.

I decided to clone that list [Dave has archived it here], because I wanted to filter out the documentaries, shorts and miniseries. As long as I am interested in film and won’t have completed the list, I do see myself keeping it. I feel the overall quality of the list is outstanding and for my taste and film-watching experience it’s probably the best combination of blockbuster hits, timeless Hollywood classics, non-English spoken gems, and some pretty obscure entries.

What’s involved in keeping the top 250 up-to-date? What’s the hardest thing about it? Have you ever found the responsibility a burden—your ankle chained to Letterboxd each week? (We’re grateful!) These days it isn’t much of a bother at all, actually. I’m still so grateful for you guys introducing the ability to sort lists by average rating when editing them a while back. That was a huge relief, I can tell you! And apart from the odd comment when I’m a bit late on my weekly update or when I’m on a well-deserved holiday (yes, even the ankle chain comes off once in a while), I don’t feel like it’s a burden at all.

Let’s unpack it a bit. What are the best films you’ve discovered because of the list? Shoutout to my choices: A Special Day, Harakiri and The Man Who Sleeps. Harakiri is an excellent choice! If it wasn’t for Letterboxd’s top list, I would probably not even know about it today, although it also cracked IMDb’s top 250 last year. What a beautiful film. If I have to name two other, one would be The Cranes Are Flying. I’ve rarely seen a film about war being depicted so beautifully. The other is It’s Such a Beautiful Day, the animation by Don Hertzfeldt about a stick figure you get to care deeply about in a time span of just over an hour. Very different films that, without Letterboxd, the chances are next to zero that I would have checked either of them out. Joining a Kickstarter to finance my own Blu-ray edition of the latter was special too.

Béla Tarr’s 1994 masterpiece ‘Sátántangó’.

So, what’s your percentage-seen of the top 250? Which films rank highest on your list of shame? Are there any that you don’t think you’ll ever watch? At this moment I’m at 175 of 250, so 70 percent. I rarely consider films as being on a ‘list of shame’, but as I scroll through the unseen ones, there are a few that stand out. La Dolce Vita and Sátántangó [Editor’s note: recently re-released in 4K, nudge nudge] are ones that I feel I should have watched by now. Both are magnum opuses from legendary foreign filmmakers. Don’t really know why I haven’t though, but all in good time. Any that I think I’ll never watch? There’s not much I wouldn’t watch, but some are just so daunting in their runtime, that I’m not sure if I will ever feel up to the task (yes, La Flor, I’m looking at you). Probably also the reason I never popped Sátántangó in.

Has the way Letterboxd’s membership has changed and grown affected what’s in the top 250 in any interesting or unexpected ways? That’s not a very easy question to answer, because different people will be surprised about different things. However, you do see a trend—surprising or not—of traditional western cinema classics giving way to more non-English language films doing well on the list. Asian and Brazilian films have skyrocketed to great heights, often at the expense of western classics. Films that are traditionally doing great at IMDb, such as Pulp Fiction or The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, were in Letterboxd’s top ten for a long time, but have both dropped out of the top twenty. Beloved classics among film critics such as Citizen Kane, Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans and Casablanca aren’t even in the top 100 anymore.

We now have a top ten with three Japanese films, one Taiwanese, one Russian, one Brazilian and a South Korean film at the very top. The only English spoken films left there are the two Godfathers and 12 Angry Men. I do tend to suspect that the growing community causes more diversity while also fuelling the more traditional moviegoers to broaden their interests. I personally think that’s a great development.

How did you feel when Parasite overtook The Godfather to become Letterboxd’s highest-rated film of all time? Do you think it’ll ever sink at this point? To say I was surprised is quite the understatement. For something to even come close to The Godfather’s record borders on sacrilege, let alone dethroning it. What you usually see is that new movies with overly positive reviews enter the list’s higher ranks with a bang, but when they are introduced to a bigger crowd, they slowly descend. For example, fellow acclaimed Best Picture nominees 12 Years A Slave, Her, Call Me By Your Name and Roma all peaked in the top twenty and only Call Me By Your Name is still in the list, at number 232 for now.

In these days of ready availability it is extremely hard to create something that has such a large following. That’s why this takeover by Parasite is so extraordinary. Seeing it rise day-by-day—even after the masses took it in—was something I didn’t think possible. I, for one, am very slow to watch new films, so when I got to watch it, it was already in first position. Safe to say my expectation level was through the roof, which probably wasn’t really fair. While I thought it was an excellent film, I personally wouldn’t rank it among my favorites. However, it’s not only the highest-ranked film on Letterboxd, but also the most popular one [a measure of the amount of activity for a film, regardless of rating]! So don’t expect to see it sink lower any time soon.

The top 250 is home to the largest comment section on the platform. Congrats! What’s monitoring that mammoth thread like? Thank you! Although that’s hardly an achievement on my part. I have to be honest, I don’t read everything in the comments section anymore. I try to keep up as much as possible, in order to respond to people who have an actual question. However, when I sign in in the morning and see dozens of new notifications, most probably about A Dog’s Will being in the top ten or about recency bias or about objective quality versus subjective quality, I let it pass me by every so often.

What is your take on A Dog’s Will’s rise to Letterboxd stardom? (At the time of writing, the 2000 Brazilian film from director Guel Arraes holds the number eight spot in the top 250.) Ah, there it is: the elephant in the room… My honest answer is a politically correct one, but also the truth: I haven’t seen it yet, so it’s impossible to pass judgment. However, from the comments section on the top 250, it seems clear that there are two camps: the Brazilians, who adore the film and continually claim the importance it in their cultural heritage. And there’s the other group, mostly non-Brazilians of course, who think it’s a fine film at best, but in their opinion not deserving of a top-ten spot. I’m quite impartial: if the statistics say that it is one of the best-rated films of the Letterboxd community, why would it not deserve to be there? I am curious though if more non-Brazilians will see it and if so, if that will have a significant effect on its rating. We can only wait and see.

Are there any films you’re surprised to have stayed in the list for so long? Conversely, what are some films that we’ll be surprised to hear have never made the list? If I have to name one film that I’m surprised about, it’s one I haven’t seen yet: Paddington 2. Every time I scroll past it, I find myself asking: “wow, this one still in?” It’s probably because I haven’t seen it, but it always strikes me as an odd one. I really have to seek it out some time. Some films that might shock people never having made it… Well, if you look at IMDb’s list for reference, you could say it’s shocking that a film like Forrest Gump never made it onto the list, but that might not be as much of a shock to Letterboxd members. Other popular crowd pleasers that never made it include E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, Gladiator, all of Disney’s non-Pixar animated classics, and one of the films that also sparked my interest in movies, The Usual Suspects.

Dave has not seen ‘Paddington 2’.

I’ve actually been working hard on completing the list during quarantine and I finished it yesterday. Has anyone else gotten to 100 percent yet or am I the first? I have no idea, to be honest! There will probably be others who have, but I wouldn’t be able to name one. I suspect Jakk might have reached 100 percent at some point.

My completist streak will need a new avenue. What are your next most essential top lists? If you ever feel up for a challenge, I recommend Top10er’s 1001 Greatest Movies of All Time. He combined the average ratings of critics and users from IMDb, Rotten Tomatoes, Metacritic and Letterboxd, and then weighted and tweaked the results with general film data from several services. I have no idea how, but it’s a terrific list. Also, the directors’ favorites lists that are on Letterboxd are awesome. Edgar Wright’s 1,000 favorites and Guillermo del Toro’s recommendations are especially worth your while.

The top 250 list is the tip of the iceberg for the lists on your account. What is it you enjoy about keeping ranked lists? It’s a compulsion. I just really enjoy making lists, ranking films by certain directors, franchises or studios. Not really useful, mostly just fun to do! And I’m not the only one, it seems. Although, of course, lists like the Letterboxd Top 250 will always be an inspiration for finding well-rated films I haven’t seen yet.

Which films got you hooked on cinema? I do have a few titles that were important in terms of my film-watching development. Films like Terminator 2: Judgment Day and Jurassic Park came out when I was an early teenager and those were the ones luring me to the cinema to see and experience things you just couldn’t in the real world, both with groundbreaking special effects—I’m a sucker for those. Not much later, titles like The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction were popular and that’s probably around the time that IMDb’s list got my attention. That top 250 gets a lot of criticism, but the overall quality is fine and for me it was the perfect step in broadening my film-watching.

So, for a long time I watched a lot of films on that list and went to the cinema for your usual blockbusters, probably until Letterboxd arrived. That’s when I started watching the artsier stuff and foreign cinema of which, of course, all classics eluded me up till then. It was films like Seven Samurai, Persona and Werckmeister Harmonies that sparked that particular period. Now I just watch everything that comes my way that seems interesting or entertaining, from the new Marvel instalment to classic Godard.

Tell us about the one and only movie you’ve given a half-star. Ha, that’s an odd one… Once there was a challenge on the site that you could ask a fellow member to pick the next ten films for them to watch. I participated once and, of course, there would be underseen gems or personal favorites on that list, but also one or two that would be almost unwatchable. In my list that was Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. If that title alone doesn’t give away how bad it was, watching the first five minutes will.

In your opinion, what’s the most underrated film according to Letterboxd average ratings? One that comes to mind, which was in the top 250 once, but has dropped substantially in the last few years, is Gravity. I also have a list where I collect all the films that were once in Letterboxd’s top 250 and it’s at the very bottom there. For me, seeing that film in a theater is what cinema is all about—finding new ways to immerse your audience into a movie experience they have never had before. Oh, did I mention I’m a sucker for special effects?

Dave is a sucker for special effects, including those in Alfonso Cuarón‘s ‘Gravity’ (2013).

As a Dutchman, please educate us: what are the greatest Dutch films people should see? The Netherlands doesn’t really have a thriving movie industry that brings its films across borders. If I have to give the essential tip, it would be Spoorloos, which was remade starring Kiefer Sutherland and Sandra Bullock and was not half as good. Other than that I would recommend Paul Verhoeven’s early work, such as Soldaat van Oranje and Turks Fruit, and the two Dutch films that won the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film, 1986’s De Aanslag and 1997’s Karakter. And to top it off, I want to mention two Dutch filmmakers worth your time, Alex van Warmerdam, director of De Noorderlingen, and Martin Koolhoven, director of Oorlogswinter.

What comfort movies are you watching whilst in quarantine? Are you working on any viewing projects? I actually am in a viewing project at the moment. One of mine and my wife’s guilty pleasures is superhero movies! So currently we are, again, on a Marvel Cinematic Universe rewatch streak. They just provide a wonderful form of escapism and are definitely deserving of the term comfort movies. Some are better than others of course, but the perspective of rewatching The Avengers, Thor: Ragnarok or Guardians of the Galaxy after a while still tends to fill me with excitement. In a way, there’s still a bit of the twelve-year-old in me that was so thrilled to see T2 or Jurassic Park.

How do you plan on inducting your kids into the cinephile life? Well, most important is that they just enjoy going to the movies like I did when I was young. Let’s hope we will be able to do so again in the near future. They are still young, but their access to screen time with Netflix, Disney+ and (mind-numbingly stupid clips on) YouTube is so different than the days when we were young. So having them watch some Ghibli classics is already quite a step. And then I think the rest should come naturally. If not, so be it.

Which, for you, are the most useful features on Letterboxd? Did you know they have a list with the 250 best rated narrative feature films? That’s basically all you need to know… All kidding aside, just reading reviews once in a while by fellow members whose opinions I value is still the heart of the service to me. That and the statistics pages. And browsing other lists.

Does anyone in your real life know that your list is kind of a Letterboxd big deal? Not really! Mostly because I don’t exactly feel that way about it. I mean: my wife knows, but other than that it’s pretty much still my pet project. To me, it’s still just a film enthusiast’s list that so happened to become the site’s official top 250. I do have to say that it is humbling to see the numbers of new followers every day—especially when Letterboxd mentions the list on her social accounts—and to realize that apparently almost 23,000 people around the globe have taken a liking to it.

Please name three other members you recommend we follow. Fellow countryman and longtime member DirkH. He is not as active as he was before, but writes beautifully personal reviews, always with his trademark witty humor or sometimes cheeky sarcasm, not always to the liking of everyone. You all got to know Lise in the first How I Letterboxd, but I’d definitely also recommend following her other half Jonathan White. His reviews are great, he knows so much about film and is always willing to share his thoughts or answer questions. And damn, that man can rhyme. Then there’s Mook, if only for his franchise lists. Check out his MCU list, it’s my go-to place when I want to read up on anything Marvel.

Related content

Official Top 100 Documentary Feature Films

Official Top 100 Narrative Features by Women Directors

Letterboxd’s ‘Official’ Top 50 of 2020

Several of the films mentioned in this interview—Sátántangó, La Flor—are (at the time of writing) available for virtual screenings. The details are in our Art House Online list.

[u23art]

A Look At Kingdom Hearts 3.

Kingdom Hearts 3 is an epilogue. 

         Kingdom Hearts 3, is sadly not the resolution we, or at least I, had hoped for. I wanted this to be a celebration of all the things that made Kingdom Hearts great, instead we got a Kingdom Hearts title that frankly is missing a few pieces.  Though there were elements in this game that I adored, it sadly doesn’t overtake Kingdom Hearts 2 in terms of the quality the best titles of the series can achieve. 

         The wait was long, the wait was arduous while fans of the series were drip fed morsels of information about the game. I counted down the days until the day of release, and on the day of release I counted the seconds until Gamestop open while I waited beside the door in below zero temperatures. My excitement didn’t cease as in addition my preorder for the limited edition PS4 Pro arrived the very same day, and since I had no internet due to extreme cold conditions I sat myself down for 3 days and played through Kingdom Hearts 3.

The gameplay, is smooth, I had my worries after 0.2 with its overly speedy movement through stages and at times “lumpy” action, but in 3 though Sora moves fast but the stages are wide and vast, and action inputs are responsive and attacks can be sequenced together with ease from keyblade swings, magic and shot lock commands. My only complaint was that I wasn’t given an option like in Kingdom Hearts 2 to turn off some of these activation commands, cause I could have done without Attraction Flow attacks popping up as often as they did.

  One cool additional feature however, was the ability to upgrade keyblades, rather than just switching to the next new keyblade after each world, each keyblade has a unique play style and you can power it up if it suits your approach to combat. I primarily found myself switching between the Shooting Star and Favorite Deputy keyblades.

The best stages to me, were Olympus, Toy Box and Monstropolous, they were wonderful to look at with tons of spaces to explore. The weakest worlds on the other hand, were Arrendale and San Fransokyo. Arrendale is white, Arrendale is covered in Snow, this is annoying when trying to differentiate areas and either find your way or find lucky emblems. San Fransokyo, is a city block, with grey buildings the blur into one another and it’s ESPECIALLY hard to find things like treasure chests. And then there’s Twilight Town, we are allowed ONE area of Twilight Town to mingle about in. Perhaps they should have put resources into making Twilight Town bigger instead of rendering music videos for "Let It Go" and......"Do You Want To Build A Snowman"......

Story wise, Sora is tasked by Yen Sid to achieve the power of waking in order to bring back Ven. Instead of being a teacher, he sends Sora out guided by his heart to various Disney worlds to get stronger and get the power of waking. Riku and Mickey on the other hand, are tasked with dropping into the world of Darkness to find Aqua.

Addressing this first, I was disappointed with the Riku segments, I expected brief adventures but instead we get two fights. I would have accepted reusing stages and assets from 0.2, we’re looking for Aqua anyway, why not go through places she did as we retrace our steps.

Going back to Sora’s story, it feels far too much like a straight line though points A through B and ect. Kingdom Hearts 2 worked as well as it did thanks in part to Hollow Bastion, a world with an expanding narrative to unravel after beating certain numbers of Disney worlds. On top of not having Radiant Gardens available to visit here, there wasn’t a single Final Fantasy character to drive its plot anyway.

I mentioned earlier that this game felt like it was missing pieces, there were signs that this would be the case when it was evident the first world would be Olympus and not an original world for the narrative to revolve around like Traverse Town, Twilight Town or Radiant Gardens. Upon starting up the game, my fears were further affirmed when I played through the entirety of Olympus’s narrative and Phil hadn’t said a single word. After visiting Olympus a second time, I was further saddened that there was no Hades cup or tournament. There are multiple instances of this throughout the game, this gnawing feeling that something is missing. Kingdom Hearts has always been known as an amalgamation of Final Fantasy and Disney, and to not have an FF character beyond some mentions of Cloud and Auron makes the whole experience feel disingenuous to what Kingdom Hearts is instead of celebrating what makes it great. There are MENTIONS of FF things, like some of the gummi ships, a cactuar and Leviathan from Final Fantasy V, but sadly the restoration committee is a no show.

One of the main selling points of this game was that the worlds are vast and seamlessly interconnected with the exception of a few points. This is cool, however without having separate areas and no brief pauses and transitions between them, the campaigns feel like they just breeze on by despite the fact that each one is a little under 2 hours. This creates a similar sort of problem that Final Fantasy XV had, where there was a focus on making vast open areas but sadly there’s no meaty substance to fill them with.

On a personal note, this game could have been fantastic-ish had they just replaced the shallow Frozen and BH6 worlds with worlds from Pocahontas and Treasure Planet.

The story should have enforced the story of Kingdom Hearts 2, which was immensely fun to play, INSTEAD it enforces THE MOBILE game which is not fun to play and personally I had quit after being sick of road blocks that kept me from progressing. Heck, this game actually undoes a lot of good KH2 did for the overall narrative. Union X stopped being especially fun since it had a habit of creating more and more questions without providing answers, a quality that has been passed on to Kingdom Hearts 3. 

Here is a list of questions that this game created without answering them.

What keyblade information did Larxene, Luxord, Demyx and Marluxia divulge to Saix?

Luxord and Demyx had Keyblades?

Axel and Saix became apprentices to Ansem to Wise to find and save a girl? 

Who is this girl, WHO are they talking about?

If Riku’s inner Riku whisked away Replica Riku to heart heaven, how could Xehanort still have the right amount of Darknesses.

When did Roxas leave Sora’s body to enter the replica body?

How did Roxas fly into battle from the sky?

How did the Norts get Xion’s heart from heart heaven to put into a replica?

How did Ansem the Wise get Namine from heart heaven into a replica?

How did Ansem the Wise conduct experiments on children and keep that hidden? That happened?

Where did Xehanort learn about the stupid requirements of 7 lights and 13 darkness to make Kingdom Hearts appear?

Where the H did Demyx go after he dropped off a replica and Ansem the Wise?

Why did Kairi shatter from Xehanort’s strike?

How did Sora save Kairi?

Where is Sora?

What rock are the Final Fantasy characters hiding under?

And most importantly, why was Phil not allowed to utter a SINGLE words the whole 2 or so hours I was at Olympus?

Ultimately I am happy that I finally got Kingdom Hearts 3, but I have a theory that higher interference kept this game hindered from being truly great.

Consider for a moment, have you notice that Kingdom Hearts 3 was announced in 2013 yet Big Hero 6 didn’t come out until 2014? 

HMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

[scorpio-karma]

More TVD Bullshit: 4x06 Edition

I'm continuing my re-watch of certain episodes in S4 to basically remember (and understand) more about Bonnie, Expression and the whole story around it. My method right now is basically rewatch the episodes with Shane in them since he's the catalyst for the Expression SL. Anyways after the rude awakening that was episode 4, and my ability to get through episode 5 with less ranty moments so I thought I was prepared to get through episode 6 — I'll save you the time, no I wasn't. 

So in a twist of events the character that I hated the most was Stefan, and Caroline, who was actually barely in the episode, was a close second. With an episode that drives home that message of "Elena and only Elena matters" I would have thought that I'd hate her the most or at least Damon for being the one to drive that message, but no, it's Caroline and Stefan with how they got the hybrid Chris killed as his reward for helping them — and for who? Elena who I find in no way more worthy of life than him. Sure he was a character barely there for literally one episode, but it just points out the blaring issue of the special treatment Elena gets within the narrative of the show. However before I really start in on that I'm going to talk about the events that led up to this.

So before I even started the episode I found myself annoyed by the recap of episode 5. Elena get all weepy about killing Connor (vampire hunter) and immediately blames Damon for it. Now I’m not usually one to defend Damon -- he does a lot of bad shit with little rhyme or reason and I don’t have time for that kind of nonsense -- but the scene where she kills him it’s very clear why she killed him and they’re reason is personal to her, Jeremy. Damon was actually nowhere near that her mind, “stay away from my brother” neck snap, sounds very much like a vampire Elena with heightened emotions would do. Things like this are the reason why I don’t believe her turning into a vampire changed her personality -- it just heightened all the annoying qualities about her because as shown in earlier seasons she has no qualms with people dying as long as they aren’t her friends. Anyways this is literally the extent of my annoyance with her this episode which a miracle in itself. Instead we get a nice look into her brain and find out she is actually as self centered as she comes off. Unfortunately it’s under the guise of lamp-shading that leads nowhere and is mostly there as a jab at criticisms of the show. However I did enjoy the fact that she’s a lot more self-aware than she seems, but that weirdly makes her worse as a person. 

So into the episode, which involves Elena going insane due to the hunters curse which I’m pretty sure is the only reason she really feels bad for killing him. I guess I lied because Elena does annoy me briefly when she’s arguing with Stefan about not trusting him and says “don’t bring up Damon”. I just felt like saying “sweetie being waay too defensive for someone in the same boat” which I guess makes sense if you’re the cheating one in the relationship. They really didn’t set Elena up very well for her relationship with Damon -- things like this are the exact reasons why people say she cheated on Stefan with Damon. 

So anyways while Elena is having one of her episodes Klaus kidnaps her and the gang separates into two groups to save her -- the ‘productive’ group and the ‘makes everything worse’ group which Stefan is weirdly. I spent the majority of the episode wondering why he was trying to get her back from Klaus.He knew that she was perfectly safe with him. Sure there’s reasonable trust issues, but he knows better than anyone at this point tat Klaus has a vested interest in Elena staying alive, so while everyone is looking for a way to break the hunters cure he wastes an episode trying to find a suicidal from basically her rubber room -- believe it or not those actually have a function and it’s to protect people from themselves. 

I’m going to start with the productive group because they annoyed me a lot less. It’s basically Bonnie and Damon going to Shane. This plan starts with Bonnie saying the spirits won’t let her use magic and Damon forcefully telling her to do something and then she does. That right there annoyed me because for one, why is she acting reluctant is we the audience know she’s going to do it anyway. That was at first what I thought to be one of the few subtle ways the show uses to take her agency away because she can’t even do something voluntary at this point, but then something Elena’s hallucination of Katherine got me thinking. She says that “you got her Grams killed, her mother turned into a vampire. I’m pretty sure Bonnie hates you” (paraphrased). This episode made me think that is very plausible because she’s the only one treating the situation with the right amount urgency. She’s not jumping immediately to save Elena’s life and when they find the solution she’s not immediately telling Jeremy to kill a vampire. She tries to make sure everything isn’t worse by asking Jeremy if he truly wants to become a hunter. This is about the closest she get’s to character development that’s immediately taken away by not immediately jumping to save Elena. God how I wish things had stayed that way, actually if I’m wishing for something it would be for Bonnie to have actually killed Elena at prom, but sadly if that happened I know the writers would just have her dying bringing back Elena instead of Jeremy that season, but hey, that at least would have made more sense.

Anyway there’s Damon who didn’t annoy me, but I did find him pretty much useless. Him going with her to see Shane was pointless, in fact truer to his character he should have been apart of the making everything worse group. He actually made little sense to me here by not doing the irrational “save Elena” thing. There was literally no sense of urgency with him even when found her on the bridge and has to save her from killing herself. And even earlier when he calls Stefan makes little sense.

And while I’m on things that make little sense to me, April Young. Now she’s not exactly my favorite character, but I honestly don’t get the hate around her. I would have actually expected more people to be defending her since she’s only there as a ditsy plot device. Granted if she had been killed off there were more worthy characters of her place such as the hybrid Chris in this episode, but to me she was always a non-entity -- she has zero agency or even character development, she was a legit prop and no different in this episode as a way to expose Shane who I gotta say for such a ‘mastermind’ (I’ll give him credit for setting up the sacrifices as well as he did), he was really terrible at covering his tracks. Hosting an event at the same place as the girl who’s father you convince to sacrificially kill himself and others is either absent minded or that cruel either way neither is smart.

Caroline and Tyler quite honest was one of my favorite ships, but this episode reminded me why I found it easy to ship her with Klaus (which has since waned to not a ship I prefer, but I still don’t hate). This show also reminded me that for a show that spent so much effort avoiding the words slave or slavery, they sure make a lot of allusions to it. First with Emily, then with just about every black witch and the literally with Klaus and his sired hybrids who are his henchmen without a choice. And Tyler let’s Caroline in on his secret to change that and she immediately betrays that by actively, with Stefan, getting Chris killed. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been so mad a Caroline as a character because she was always the one with the most character development, but this was just an episode that highlighted that she can be just as hypocritical as Elena. 

Edit: I thought I posted this but apparently I didn't and it's been in my drafts for over a year.

[ombreecha]

More

Clerith Week 2018 -late as fuck final edition- Day Seven: Interrupted Fandom: Final Fantasy VII Pairing: Clerith Rated: M /// Plot? What Plot? Dedicated to my amazing clerith squad -- @stray-arrows @clerithraven @capuca @roseyrosho @stellanox @moldin  @aerithly and everyone else over at the Clerith Discord Server. Note: Ya’ll were good wholesome Christians and then I sadly I arrived. Also shout out to @clerithraven for deciding who was gonna go down on who.

Warm—it’s the only word he can come up with as he rolls his head back. Fingers curl and his mouth parts. Warm doesn’t even begin to cover this feeling. It’s so much more than that. It’s hotter than that—it’s scorching. The thud of his heartbeat pounds against his chest and vibrates in his ears. He’s been overtaken, he’s been brought into submission, and he’s lost all ability to stop this.

He barely has time to think with each little touch—there’s also those sounds she’s making. How had they gotten here? What had brought them to this point? Weren’t they about to go out for dinner with friends? Wouldn’t their friends be here soo—he can’t even finish the thought. She’s made him whip his head back and the harshest of breaths fall with it. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Those fingers continue to touch and squeeze. That tongue of hers is sliding and pressing in all of the right places. The desire to open his eyes is there but the ability is fleeting and out of arms reach as his breathing escalates and it’s what covers the air and the walls around them.

His ears twitch catching a noise coming from her—she’s pleased with his reaction. His fingers curl tighter around the edge of the counter top, and even as he tries to fill his lungs with air he struggles to keep himself grounded. The slow roll of his head comes once again as he dares to look down at her. He wants to touch her—he wants to brush her fringe from her face and see how much of him is inside of her mouth. He wants to see those doe-eyes looking up at him—god, even deep into their three years of dating they’re as impressive as ever. Shaky and hesitant a set of his fingers uncurl from the counter top. He doesn’t want to take her by surprise as he feels that tongue of hers curl around his tip. It’s enough to make him shudder and let out a constricted groan.

Fingers brush within her hair pulling her fringe back. His fingers are twisted in that warm chocolate—the grip is tight—and god he could come from seeing her lips wrapped around him like that. She hadn’t even pulled his pants down. All she had managed was to unzip him and pull him from his boxers. His breathing increases and becomes more labored the more he watches her lips slide up and down him. His breathing hitches as he watches her pull his cock out from her mouth and run her tongue along the slide of it. It takes him biting down upon his lip to keep him from letting out that throaty moan that is desperate and lingering in the base of his throat. She’s teasing as she keeps those impressive smaragdine locked on his cerulean and there’s no doubt in his mind she’s enjoying seeing him so flush and under her control.

Wide-eyed and completely overwhelmed he watches as she slowly slides him back into her mouth with those small fingers curled around the base. Hitting the back of her throat has him letting out a hiss and his fingers release his grip upon that warm chocolate he loves so much.

More. He wants more. He wants to feel her in other ways.

He wants her to touch him underneath these constricting clothes—he wants to touch her in every way possible.

The hotter he gets the more he feels like she’s suffocating him. There’s temptation to slide the zip up sweater off—she’ll smack his hand if he tries and the last thing he wants is for to have a reason to stop going down on him.

If he could have it his way it would absolutely be reversed—he’d love to just hoist her up on this counter he’s trying to hold onto for dear life and have her turn into a puddle. He’d love to spread her legs and have her quiver when he swirls his tong—oh, god-fucking-dammit he almost wants to beg her to suck on him just like that again.

The squeeze she’s given him in response for his moan has him desperate to pull up up the sweater just to watch her continue to bob her head up and down his length, “Aerith, if you keep going I’m gonna come already.” he says in between shallow breaths.

All she gives him as a response is a hum that vibrates him and the slowest of movements in taking him deeper into her mouth. The slowed pace isn’t calming him down it’s exciting him and there’s zero doubt in his mind that she knows this.

She knows. She knows every place to touch, and every way to get him going—she knows that he loves watching him slide into her mouth.

What doesn’t this woman know?

If he’s lucky his friends won’t show—or they’ll say fuck the dinner completely. He doesn’t wanna go to start, and that was before she pressed him against the kitchen counter and started having her way with him. One hard suck and he’s throwing his head back and re-secured his hold onto the counter once again, “More—Please.”

Her response is a simple one of faster licks, and sucks and a rhythm equally increasing. The sounds of every thing she does to him are loud and in his ears—it’s got him wanting to drown in all of the heat she’s making him feel.

It’s all so wet and god-fucking-dammit is it making him feverish.

It’s got his mind desperate and coaxing him to just take her on this counter top. He wants to slide that cute white summer dress up her legs and have his way with her, he wants to see those cute panties that he knows she’s picked out, he wants to slide them down her legs, and more than anything he wants to feel how wet she is inside.

“Tell me what you want, Cloud.” she’s sliding her hand up his leg and underneath his shirt as she presses kisses along his length.

The voice she’s used is low and soft—but it doesn’t make it any less dangerous. That voice means she’s intending to drive him mad. The heat upon his cheeks comes knowing she won’t give him more till he answers, “I wanna go down on you—Let me taste you—please.”

Even after all this time speaking to her like this makes him flush with embarrassment—but she likes it and he wants to keep like this.

“We have a dinner with friends—you can’t eat just yet.” her voice is light as she slides her hand up his length and then flicks her tongue across his tip.

The whimper he lets out has him rolling his head back, “Please. Please, Aerith.” he’s hoarse and desperate.

“What else would you like?” she’s whispering out sliding him back inside her mouth only to slide it back out just as fast.

“Let me come inside you—I wanna feel you wrapped around me as I fill you up.” his words are just another whimper with heated breaths at each little lick, and slide within her mouth.

“We don’t have enough time for that either—would you like to come inside my mouth?” she’s playing him into her hand and coaxing him in the direction she likes, “I’ll let you do whatever you want when we get home.”

The strangled cry he lets out echos into the house, “Yes—please. I need it.”

His knuckles turn white before he finally releases the grip upon the counter. His fingers slide up his shirt finding those fingers sliding across his stomach, and the other set finds its way into that warm chocolate once again.

There’s a noise of surprise that comes from her as his hips twitch and jerk forward sending him deeper into her mouth. The moan he lets out comes and with it the whimpers just continue to fall. Those fingers once wrapped around his base release him as he pumps into her mouth and twist within his pants.

It doesn’t matter how good this feels he has to see the way he continues to thrust into her mouth almost unforgivably. It’s erotic, titillating, and lascivious. It’s one of his favorite things to watch—only second to watching the way his cock slides in and out of her from behind.  

Oh, god-fucking-dammit there’s no stopping him picturing her bent over this counter and him pushing up that white summer dress with that kind of thought. He’s on the verge of climax just thinking of the way she wraps around him so tightly as he slides out of her and that sinful noise she makes as if she’s begging for him not to slide out.

He’s close. So unbelievably close to filling her mouth and watching her swallow it all.

He knows he’ll end up jerking as far back into her mouth as possible when he spills—he can’t help himself.

He’s on the brink and he’s on the edge—and now he’s frozen and his throat has locked up.

His head whips to his left as they still to a complete stop. He can’t find his voice, but he can’t slow down his breathing either. It’s what fills the silence as her hands grip his own hand and leg tightly. She’s locked in silence as well with only the smallest of inhales following behind his own.

The can hear a muffled scream from behind the front door, and that’s all she need to hear before she’s clearing her throat and rising from her knees in a rush. She’s got him pressed against the counter hard as she tucks him back in and works to get his pants back in place. The whisper that comes out is soaked in panic, “Cloud, say something! Tell them we’ll be out in a minute!”

His hearts made it almost impossible to hear her—and it’s for all the wrong reasons.

There’s a tinge of anger at having been interrupted, and embarrassment close behind it.

“Be out in a minute!” he’s following behind her as she starts to make her way into the bathroom.

Fingers work hard to fix her hair he’s ruined in his desperate need to come and claim her mouth, and it’s only a moment later she’s turning to adjust his own clothes, “Don’t just follow me go keep them busy for a moment while I fix myself up.”

The rose upon her cheeks is all he needs to know that she’s found her embarrassment in being interrupted along side his own—if he had it his way he would open the door and tell them to fuck off before dragging her into their bedroom and having her exactly how he wanted.

No way in hell would she let him do that, though.

He’s quick to close the door behind him as he goes to make conversation—and by conversation he means to let them bullshit and him add a smartass comment here and there as it’s needed.

They say nothing immediately, and at first he can’t figure out why—until Barret brings his naivety down upon the floor, “What in the hell happen’ta you?”

One blink, and then two, and then it’s by the third he looks down confused only to see his clothes disheveled. That heat still can be felt on his cheeks too, if that wasn’t bad enough, “I was sleeping—you woke me up.”

“You lyin’ sack of shit. The fuck you take’n me for?” Cloud has never wanted to punch Barret in the face for calling him out as bad as he does right this minute—god as his witness.

The opportunity to defend himself doesn’t come though as the door behind him opens and Aerith’s coming beside him, “Tifa, Barret! It’s been too long!”

Cerulean can’t stop themselves from looking at her, and it’s all in this moment that he tries to figure out how in the hell she’s pulled off whatever wizard trick she’s performed in the short time she put herself back together. This woman was just down on her knees asking him if he wanted to come into her mouth—now she looks like she’s ready to enter the classiest of places without a hair in place.

A thick swallow comes as he continues to eye her. How many times has she not pulled this in their relationship? You’d think he would see it coming—but he never does and he’s always the one who gets caught. He shouldn’t be surprised she can pull herself together like this, but he is and that’s not ever going to change.

It’s the smallest of chatter and him tugging on his shirt to try and sort out his disheveled appearance before he’s following behind to make their way towards their vehicles. Fingers curl upon the door handle and it’s before he can even open it that he feels her hand upon his shoulder and her breath against her ear, “I’ll make sure to make it up to you tonight.”

He can only stare at her and all of a sudden he’s never been more determined to get through a dinner in record time in his life.

[therewas-a-girl]

Hey i love the insight you give to Oliver and im not so lucky to be an analytical (😬😊) and was wondering what does Oliver trusting himself have to do with him not telling Felicity? And what does Felicity mean when she says she understands now because of Billy? Those scenes have me very confused.

okay, anon here i am, finally. im so sorry for the  late reply, but i’ve had a couple of bad days preceded by some worse weeks T_T, and i’m in the middle of exams * T_T harder* , so free time is essentially not here for me.

BUT i’m on my break now - 

SO!

first of all, thank you! i find it  a little bit surprising tbh, cause i never saw myself as very analytical - i just sort of obsess over details and some things seem to make sense only to me?  or i just don’t know how to express them clearly enough. but im going to try my best, i promise. but don’t take me at my word, cause honestly, even as i write this, im still trying to understand this myself, so i’ll just… take with with a grain of salt

im going to take up the easy one first: felicity. mostly because, where felicity’s ‘i understand now because of Billy’, of all things, is concerned, my reaction is basically this :

im just not here for it, and i dont care to bullshit my way into circular meta/rationalization over it, because the subtext of it as an idea alienates and, frankly, enrages me.

Oliver… 

So, the first thing i thought when i heard Oliver say, ‘i dont trust myself’ is the fact that, this whole conviction he has right now (that he enjoyed killing, and that everything that is and went wrong in his life, stems form this truth he hid from himself)is based on his supposed clarity about himself and his nature that he gained when he was holed up and tortured by Adrian for 7 days. Aka, not to be trusted.

my messy reasoning goes kind of like this: 

in the flashbacks, we saw Felicity tell him that she still felt like he didn’t trust her, or anyone.  That she didn’t understand why, and ‘maybe you don’t understand why either’. Leaving us with the hint  that, until he does, and deals with it, he will keep making the same choices. 

Oliver did not contradict her - which makes me think he, in part, agreed with her. 

(the writers use characters for this kind of ‘truth exposition’ thing, so i’m guessing they wanted to tell is that yes, Oliver does think this, and doesn’t understand this about himself*) 

so he has this insecurity, this… missing understanding about himself. A secret, so to speak. A truth about himself that he is so afraid of, that he has buried it so deep inside that is not even buried; It’s suppressed at this point. Which is why he didn’t understand himself. 

Adrian kidnaps him. 

Now, i thought it important to remember that he is the villain. (and here is where the text and my interpretation of it mix a little) Adrian is super smart and intuitive about people, and also - important! - a lawyer. He knows how to ask questions, how to lead people on. All the while Oliver was there, Adrian was in his suit, walking back and forth like in front of  a jury, totally calm, asking one leading question after another; plus a lovely side dish of torture, because why not trigger all the lovely trauma. 

And he got what he wanted. He got Oliver to tell him exactly what he wanted to hear!

Basically Adrian made Oliver look at his deepest fear, and admit it as truth. (and it’s not that i think the whole ‘i liked it’ about killing is a lie. but i think its more complicated than ‘you’re a dangerous crazy person who enjoys killing. who knows what you might do’) . A truth that Oliver has, apparently, always known on a subconscious level. Something he has  never faced but always feared. 

(which is, ironically, what makes it so easy to believe. It’s always a lot easier to believe the bad things about ourselves - but even more so when you take into account how self-deprecating Oliver is. hello depression how are you?)

This truth he admitted has been behind his every hesitation, his every insecurity. The fear that goes kind of like this: ‘You are a bad person because you did horrible things, monstrous things, and it’s not that you’re not sorry. You  liked it’.  

To someone like Oliver, whose sense of morality, right and wrong, is mostly internal, personal, (but also informed by conventional understanding of good and evil ) and who relies on ideals, motivations, reasons, to help him navigate his daily life, this is basically shattering the ground he walks on.

Oliver has always seemed to me like he needed to believe that his actions were right. Extreme, but justifiable, doing the right thing. (i remember his whole speech in s1 when he made an offer to John about joining him. about how the rich people of Starling were stepping on the city’s throat and not caring who they hurt and if nobody was going to stop them, then ‘its going to be me’. it was to fulfill a promise, a duty - something he sometimes even seemed to resent. but to do that, he had to believe he was doing the right thing, though in flawed ways) 

…that he didn’t even think were that flawed since, in season 1, he was having some SERIOUS adjustments issues when it came to adapting to civilian life. Every time he went out there, he was ‘kill or be killed’ mentality of a war-zone, which had been his reality for 5 years. Took some time to shake that off and even be able to see that he didn’t have to kill to survive. (and holy shit am i digressing)

Now, it seems to me that Oliver took this admission when he was in that cell, and did not stop to examine the ‘why-s’ and ‘how-s’, or even doubt the conclusion Adrian led him to, based on who was ‘holding his hand’ trying to get him there. Because Oliver says it himself - ‘Adrian did not make me a killer’. He frees this truth from circumstance completely. (either the circumstances of his admission, or even, before that, his behavior/violence) 

I don’t even think circumstances matter to him; they’d probably sound like justifications and he’d feel even worse for trying to justify himself, when he thinks so lowly of himself. 

Obviously Felicity puts it in far better context than he is capable - or rather, willing -  to do, reminding him, in 5.20, of things that he maybe knows to be true, but that he thinks have no bearing on his actions, or his judgement of himself. (’Five years in hell did that. Five years dealing with this city’s worst criminals did that’). She immediately gives him context, that Oliver probably feels either guilty for considering, or like it has no bearing, because he still chose murder, and who does that? Bad people who are not to be trusted. The kind of people he used to kill, in fact. (a belief reinforced by the accidental murder of Billy Malone, actually, while we’re at it. Like, in Oliver’s head it probably sounds like this: ‘if you weren’t so fucking monstrous and a murderer, Malone would still be alive’.)

The crux of the question seems to be the clash (a push and pull) between the love and compassion he is capable of, all the good parts of him, moral parts (and judgments); and the violence he knows he is capable of. (and righteousness, the satisfaction he felt while enacting that violence.**). 

He probably thinks that this ‘truth’ Adrian ‘showed’ him/led him to, is something he’s “known” all along, but just been too much of a coward to admit to himself. 

Like, suddenly that ‘unknown reason why he doesn't trust anyone’ has a logic, and a clear definition. He was afraid to face it, but now he does, and it makes perfect sense! He is the problem! He doesn’t trust himself because – the goodness (to simplify it) inside him, the part of him that feels guilt now, never let him get close to people he loved, even though he wanted to, even though he needed them. It always made him hesitate, because essentially, he was protecting everyone around him, instinctively, from what he knows to be violent and dark inside him. 

He also lied to himself and others he got involved with (John and Felicity, for starters)  about why he was doing what he was doing. That he is no better than the people he used to murder, and he even got his best friends involved 

and he forgets that his ability to feel all this guilt over this kind of thought is, essentially, what makes him so different, and sets him apart from this person he is so afraid he is. 

EDIT: i almost forgot that you asked me about how this relates to Oliver not telling Felicity about William - and I’m guessing, it’s not specifically about William. That omission was generalized as a lack of trust, and this ^^ whole thing, seems to be aimed to explain why. I think Oliver thought she would for sure explode in his hands, a conviction fueled by Barry’s ‘you broke up’ idea. And that he thought she would for sure leave him, not love him enough to forgive him? Not love him enough, essentially, because why would she? 

The feeling of being a failure for missing out on his son’s life (were it anyone else, i wouldn’t say he takes this blame too on his shoulders, because its so clearly Moira’s and Samantha’s doing for keeping him away, but this is Oliver! Of course he would) probably added to the guilt and the certainty that he wasn’t good enough for her to hang around. 

A self fulfilling prophecy, in truth, and a also a deep misunderstanding of Felicity’s character. More than the lie/omission, i find this, the reason behind it, to be Oliver’s real mistake. 

A mistake of course that is, sadly, in character, because Oliver has historically had trouble believing that the people he loves actually love him back. Which leads us back to ‘why would they’, and the reason why he thinks that, which is basically that he thinks he’s a shit person not worthy of anyone’s love. Not always, but most of the time.

It’s such a BRILLIANT manipulation really, because on someone who is like Adrian, this kind of lie wouldn't work! (Adrian killed his wife. In cold blood. he has exactly zero problems being the way he is.) 

It takes someone like Oliver for this  to work. Someone who is essentially ALL HEART. Who is kind and good and who, on a deep human level, abhors the violence that was done to him and that he has done to others, despite knowing that ‘it is a violent world and - as the world has taught him - it only responds to violence.’ It takes someone moral enough that, even while enacting murder, even while feeling that killing evil men was good, would still know it is wrong. And hate himself for it. For being capable of it, for looking at the world in the  face and thinking it is necessary. 

You can be led to think something is necessary, and still hate it. I think Oliver is an idealist, so it fits that he would hate having to lower himself to the level of nastiness the world around him responds to. (it’s so good for him that he is a mayor, actually. he can affect change, without employing ‘talents’ that came to him though pain and loss and tragedy. skills - violence - that he probably hate using by now, at this point in his journey) 

I really hope I’m making at least some kind of sense. Im sure this is like, only a portion of what is really going on with Oliver; or an angle into it? idk… 

Personally, when I imagine Oliver’s mind, I usually think of him floating on the surface of a really deep lake. And this lake is his personality/psyche, the exploration of which has been affected by his history. Said history has been such that he has explored corners of this lake that to most people, remain obscure all their lives. This is not a good or bad thing. it chance. Some people are pushed to the extremes and learn new things about themselves. Some never have to. Oliver was pushed, and he knows the depths of this lake, the hidden caves, the scary wildlife in the dark. It’s not like he went to those depths because he wanted to - but that doesn’t matter. What he saw there, he cannot unsee, unlearn***. 

Now he is on the surface again - but he knows the geography of himself. Most people whose feet dont touch the soil think the depth goes a couple of feet more. Oliver knows it doesn’t. And he knows that, if necessary, he could go to those depths again, if he has to. 

I mean, people rarely know what they’re capable of in extreme situations. Most people think choices made in these kinds of cases reveal you. And Oliver thinks those choices revealed a killer. And despite how balmy the surface waters are, he knows that down there it’s ugly so, he puts up these limits. You get to swim up to here where its safe, but not further out. Even if you want to. Felicity totally wanted to know all about him, but Oliver thought, wow no. Down there its ugly and gross and if she sees that, she will not just leave. She will also hate me. And to Oliver, being someone who feeds so much on the opinions of the people he loves - that  is basically his worst nightmare. I swear some of his most radical actions have been because he was so resistant to someone he cares about thinking badly of him. 

Anyways, this got ridiculously long. 

* the next time anyone tells me Arrow is good representation for someone with PTSD and mental illness, I’m gonna fucking FIGHT that person, because this is prime example of these asshole writers mystifying this illness. Why, you might ask. Because Oliver’s trust issues can directly and unequivocally be traced to his trauma. Its not that hard. it is not a mystery and treating it as such, and making everyone around him ignorant of this simple fact, demonizes (so to speak) his condition, instead of ‘representing’ it in any positive way. 

At this point Oliver’s isolation is beyond logic - or suspense of logic. As of right now there are two soldiers, two geniuses and a cop on his team! it makes them all into either idiots, or nasty, cause they have either trained to expect this (Dinah, as a cop, i imagine knows what PTSD is) or been through it (John, Rene) or are fucking geniuses who can fucking google (Felicity, Curtis). By now even nonexistent baby Sara would be able to understand the reasons behind Oliver’s patterns of behavior. It is not rocket science AND EVEN IF IT WAS - FUCKING GENIUSES IN THE HOUSE???!!!

I’m just so tired of Oliver’s trauma and violent re-traumatization being used (exploited) and some ‘so hard to understand’ baffling plot point, instead of being dealt with.

** I dont think Oliver ever stopped to consider that his life during those five years was hell, and that that means a lot of things. It means that it was out of control for a long time. that he was prey for a long time. and that it is absolutely normal to feel a sort of satisfaction when you are not the prey anymore. and that its normal to feel good when you ‘replace evil with death’ like he did in season 1. and that plenty of veterans would be able to tell him that soldiers hate war and t lohe ve war too, and that this is what happens when you live in this… almost liminal violent reality for so long. we are human and we adapt to whatever we have to, to survive. 

***I actually think this is what’s happening with Felicity too, only instead of a lake, with Felicity I imagine a road. Like those that stretch through the desert. She only sees this one road and she is so sure that she has to walk it, because it feels righteous to her. Necessary. 

Oliver and John though, they know where that road leads. They know that the choices she will make along the  way that will feel necessary - that they may even BE necessary - but she may eventually regret making them. Because this extreme, ruthless clarity she’s living, and which they have lived, pushes away all reasons why some things are wrong, but those reasons, John and Oliver know, eventually (if you’re lucky) will come back. And the  choices made during that time might give Felicity insight into things she is capable of that she is probably going to hate. And hate herself for making them. 

And they’re just trying to warn her that this road she is walking on is literally the middle of nowhere. That there are no stop signs to tell her when she’s gone too far and that she will know only when she is too deep in it, and she will hate herself for it, just like they hate themselves for some of the things they  have done, that they wish they  never had to do. 

I’m going with this interpretation, instead of the weirdly sexist-vibe of ‘you’re too pure to be fucking human’ angle.