#I’d say I’m normal but that’d be a horrible fucking lie

[l4plac3s-4ng3l]

Had a kinlist page lying around so I decided to update it and yeah!!!!!!

(Edited)

Characters are, in order of fandom and characters in highest to lowest, despite them all being pretty high:

Warriors:

Dovewing (art by Songsteps)

Hollyleaf (art by Gekkozilla)

Mothwing (art by Gekkozilla)

Bluestar (art by @mrstokyoo)

Frostpaw (art by Dawnmist)

Bungou Stray Dogs:

Ranpo

Genshin Impact:

Cyno

Freminet

Dainsleif

Lyney

Yanfei

Omori:

Basil (real world)

Aubrey (real world)

Underworld Office:

Charlie

[lighteyed]

aftermath / peter parker

summary : so, endgame happened. 

word count : 2.2k 

author’s note : i’m emotionally unstable! and haven't posted writing in mad long so here’s this i’m sad lol 

    You were beginning to get used to telling lies.

   I’m fine, thank you. Yes, I’ve eaten today, Pepper, don’t worry. Yes, Peter, I’m sleeping again, I promise. I’m not sad, Morgan, I’m just a little sleepy. Everything is fine.

   They all came out easily enough. You hardly hesitated anymore when you spoke them. You had the sneaking suspicion that the only one who really believed you was Morgan, because she was four and didn’t know any better than to believe what the people she looks up to tell her. Pepper made an effort not to push you too much, and Peter made an effort to keep you from crying like you had the entire two weeks you’d been back from being dusted.

 You still cried for hours on end another two weeks later, you just didn’t do it around him anymore. Another lie, not that you were counting.

 You only ever felt awful about lying to Peter, because he was horribly perfect and patient and precious and looked out for you like no other and came in to check on you every day even though the cabin in the woods your father and Pepper and Morgan had retired to wasn’t close to his little apartment in Queens. But you couldn’t help it. Lying was just simpler than breaking down all over everyone else’s grieving processes. Lying was the easy way out.

 It was three in the morning but you were wide awake, jogging on the treadmill you’d set up in your room a couple of days ago. Pepper hadn’t questioned it when you left the house late Sunday afternoon and returned hours later with the huge box, lugging it up the stairs and then slamming your bedroom door shut. Tony had a habit for impulsive decisions, and you had so much of him residing in you. She saw it in the private way you mourned, and in the hard set of your mouth when you came down to dinner those few times a week when you could manage it even though you didn’t really eat, and in the soft, happy way you spoke to your little sister as she pestered you with questions despite you never really being in the mood to answer them. Pepper had loved you from the moment she had laid eyes on you because of the subconscious way you mimicked your father, and she knew if anyone was taking his death hard, it was you, and you needed space.

 Your music was blaring so loudly in your ears you hadn’t noticed the incessant tapping taking place at your window. You finally yanked them out of your ears when a flood of texts poured in from Peter, who was standing, precarious as usual, right at the edge of the window waiting for you to let him in. You had forgotten it was a Friday- Peter had a schedule of what nights he would stop by, and he always came on Fridays so he could spend the weekend there.

  “Sorry, Pete,” you opened the window for him and switched on the bigger light.

  “It’s three in the morning, what are you doing up on a… treadmill?” He eyed the machine, nose scrunched. “You don’t exercise.”

 “I bought it after you left last Sunday, I need a hobby.” You rummage around in the bottom drawer of your dresser for a pair of his pajama pants as he begins to pull off the Spider-Man suit.

 “It’s still three in the morning,” he says, sitting at the edge of your bed. You move around your bedroom, fixing little things that don’t look particularly out of place. “You’re usually asleep right around now.”

 No, I’m not. I’m never asleep. “Well, I stayed up waiting for you,” you reply. Liar.

 “You never stay up to wait for me, you always leave the window unlocked and text me that you’re going to sleep and then I get here and you’re asleep.” He folds his arms and stares at you, hard. You tilt your face down because the stare is making you uneasy, he looks like he’s analyzing you and you hate it.

 “Changed my mind,” you mutter, more to the ground than to Peter.

 “Hey, look at me.” It’s not a demand the way he says it, worried and gentle as anything, but you set your gaze firm to the floor and refuse. You hear the creaking of your bed as he gets up from it, and then the same creaking of the old floorboards as he makes his way over to you. “When did you get these?” His hand is warm on your face when his fingertips graze over the dark rings under your eyes. “You never look this tired when I come over.”

 “I cover them up before you get here.”

 “You told me- you told me you were sleeping normally.” There’s a clear hurt in his voice that makes you ache all over. Hurting Peter is like hurting a baby. You’d always told him that if anyone hurts him, you’d be the first to kick their asses into a different century. There’s nothing you can do when you’re the one hurting him. He keeps his hand resting there on your cheek. “You don’t have to lie to me, Y/N. It’s just me. You can tell me anything. When was the last time you slept?”

 It takes you a second to think about it. “Um, Wednesday will be a week since I stopped trying.”

 “A week? You’re always asleep when I get here!”

 “It’s a lie, Peter, it’s just one big fucking lie, okay? What do you want me to say right now?” You push his hand away from you. You don’t mean to snap at him, the one person who tries his hardest to make everything better for you. He’s the little light-beam in your life. You don’t mean it, any of it. But this it. The culmination of every ounce of grief you’ve felt in the past month, splattering all over the walls of the bedroom that doesn’t feel like yours, though Pepper explained Tony had it set up specifically for you and spent hours agonizing over it in the five years you had been gone because it needed to be perfect for you if you ever came back to him. The only room you’d ever known was back at the Avengers building that was still in ruins from the final battle. This was foreign and uncomfortable, and Tony wasn’t there to help you through adjusting to normalcy or how to handle a four-year-old sister or annoy you by making stupid dad jokes and harassing Peter about his intentions with you. He wasn’t there. You had gotten him back for a second and you’d lost him just as fast.

 “I just want the truth if it’s all been, and I quote, one big fucking lie,” Peter takes a step back, looking angry in a way you’d never seen before, and it only sets you off even further.

 “Fine, I’ll tell you the truth. The whole god-damn truth. I can’t take being here. Every day I’m here, I hate it. I lost five years of my life, I lost my dad, I lost my friends because they’re in college or they have careers because they didn’t get wiped out by some crazy ass weirdo from another planet! I’m supposed to be twenty-two and I’m supposed to have my dad! But I’m still seventeen and my dad is dead and I can’t handle it, Peter, I can’t handle it, I can’t do it anymore.”

 “Y/N-”

 “No, don’t, don’t! You wanna know why I don’t sleep? Because all I do is see him, I see him staring at me as he gets those infinity stones and I see him saying he’s sorry to me as I’m held back by whoever the fuck held me back and I see him saving everyone and then I see him dying, every single time I shut my eyes. I’d rather stay awake for my entire life than see him like that again and again and again.”

 Peter is at a loss for words as he watches you rampage around your room. “None of this means anything to me! I don’t know this house, I don’t know this bedroom,” you throw one of your books at the wall, and then another, and then another. “I don’t know that little girl downstairs who loves me so much and asks her mom why I look so sad all the time and why I won’t go and play with her outside by the lake when it’s warm out because I wasn’t there this whole time! My dad had another little girl and I was gone and he told her about me but I don’t know her and I hate it, I hate everything about being back here, Peter, and the only thing I don’t hate is you and you’re gonna hate me too after all this ‘cause I’m a liar and the worst person in the world,” you hadn’t even noticed the tears streaming down your face until you were sobbing in the middle of your bedroom, contents of your desk that’d you knocked over and ripped pages from books and makeup from the dresser strewn about the room like a hurricane had hit.

  “I’m sorry, Peter, I’m sorry,” you kept saying, head in your hands even when he wrapped his arms around you and let you bury your face in his shirt, holding you tightly amidst the mess.

  He remembers holding you when Tony had died. You screamed and cried and shook violently as Pepper knelt beside the broken body of your hero of a father. He remembers you throwing up afterward all night, coming out of the bathroom pale and still shaking, crawling underneath covers and continuing to cry with Peter through the rest of the following day. He held you every night for those first two weeks because when Peter wasn’t there your nightmares were brutal and merciless, and he was glad to do it because you clutching his hand and needing him that way made everything a little more bearable. He remembers you not coming to the funeral, and standing outside with May crying for his loss and yours and Pepper’s and Morgan’s and the entire world’s, but crying a lot for your broken heart that he couldn’t fix. He remembers going to your room after, knocking on the door for three hours and begging you to let him come in until he gave up and fell asleep outside of it. He remembers Morgan asking him if you were the big sister her daddy had told her all about, and he remembers Morgan being the only one to get you to come out of the bedroom with her tiny, sad voice because her dad was gone, too. He remembers your tired, hopeless eyes and the way you couldn’t keep anything down or focus properly or look at him right. He remembers everything, and he should’ve known you couldn’t get better in two weeks. He should’ve known. He should’ve noticed something, anything.

 “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay,” he soothed, stroking your hair softly. “You’re not a bad person, no one hates you, no one could ever hate you, I love you so much, you’re gonna be okay.” You didn’t have the strength to make it over to your bed, so he cleared the area where you stood and let you cry in his lap right there.

 “I- I really miss him,” you hiccuped, wiping the snot from your nose and staring up at Pete through blurred vision.

 “I know, me too,” his voice wavers, but tonight isn’t the night for you to comfort him. You need him first, and he knows you’ll be there when he needs you in that similar capacity. He takes a deep breath that shakes his whole body.

 “He- he’s not gonna see me and you get- get married, or have a teeny baby, or- or take me out to a strip club for my 18th birthday like he promised, and he’s not- not gonna be there for Morgan like she’s gonna need him to be and it makes my heart hurt so bad, so so bad,” you curl up tighter against him.

 Peter doesn’t want to say something that everyone says; that he’ll always be there with you spiel or the whole he’s watching you over bit. Every reiterated version of those two sentences irked him when his parents died, when Ben died, so he’ll never say it to you. He presses a kiss to your hand. “It’s gonna be hard for a long time, but we’re gonna get through it together. Me and you, right? No matter what. He- he wouldn’t wanna see you so sad, he’d want you to go kick life in the ass for him, and maybe he’d want you to name our baby after him, but that’s not for a few years, but it’s just a thought, but yeah, he’d want you to know that you’re going to be okay, and he’d want me to make sure of it. I promise, Y/N, you’re gonna feel okay again.”

 “You really think so?”

 “I know so. You’re the kid of the strongest, smartest person I’ve ever met, besides Aunt May. Of course you’re gonna be okay. You’re you.” He feels you nod a little, and your breathing levels until you’re finally sleeping for the first time in a long time. He falls asleep next to you on the floor, arms thrown over you like he’s shielding you from the world. He wishes he really could.

 In the afternoon, when you’re both awake, you shakily walk downstairs with him to say hi to Pepper and Morgan. The tiniest Stark observes you quietly as Pepper begins making more breakfast for the two of you.

 “Hi, Morgan,” you smile at her, big as you can manage, and Morgan lights up. “Do you wanna maybe… play outside? Before I eat?” Your uneasy smile moves to Pepper, and Peter feels himself start to breathe again. Baby steps. 

[captaincorpse]

CW: Suicide attempt, bullying, captivity, autocannibalism, force feeding, amputation, torture, negative assumptions, verbal abuse, depressive thoughts, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, implied parental abuse, referenced death of a parent.

I purposely tried to make this character annoying, petty, and judgemental. Just thought it’d be an interesting character to try and write in a whumpy scenario. I don’t know if this is too long or if I’m not doing the squares right by doing so many at once lol @badthingshappenbingo enjoy

Julie just wanted to have friends. She moved from a small town to an even smaller town every few months, her mother promised that this time, she’d get a stable job and they could stay for more than a few months without her mother’s anger issues getting her fired.

This was better than nothing. She couldn’t afford to be picky when there were people with much worse lives than her. Julie should be grateful she had a roof over her head and food on the table and clean clothes, as her mother loved to remind her.

It’s going to get better, it’s not going to be like this all the time, you’ll get out and you’re going to be happy and you’re going to be free from all the suffering and put it all behind you. One day you’ll be happy and realize how strong you are for enduring this all by your lonesome. 

She had to tell herself this, it was the only way she could get through the day..but things were starting to look up this time.

Julie and her mother had been in their newest town for almost a year by this point. As much as she hated to admit it, Julie didn’t completely hate it here.  Her school was tolerable enough..she’d even managed to make a few acquaintances in Drama club, not that she was the acting type. She’d rather be the one supporting from the sidelines as a stagehand.

The real surprise was when she was invited to a party. She thought it was a waste of time.

“I guess that’d be fine, I’ll ask my mom if it’s okay.” She regretted it as soon as the words forced their way out of her mouth.

A snicker at the mention of her mother came from one of those stupid, shallow bitches. What was her name again? Jodie? Doesn’t matter, she was sure it was one of them, why wouldn’t they be laughing at her? Whatever, she’d show them by going to their dumb party.

Her mother said that she could go, and before she left she even told her to “Have fun with your friends, sweetheart.”

She took a sip from her water bottle and surveyed the house from the road where she had left her bike, she hadn’t gone in for a few minutes after arriving. She wanted to make her entrance perfect.

Was this worth her dignity? No..but it was worth her time, look at how lonely and smart Julie is!  They’d have to be her friend after that even if it was born from pity, someone would.

Waiting for another five minutes she glanced at her watch. 6:30. It was now or never.

No one was inside the house when she’d opened the door.

Jodie walked down the stairs after a second and gave a cheeky grin at her arrival.

“Hey, Julia! You’re early, actually..want some snacks? Did you get the time wrong or something? No worries..I’m still getting set up though, sorry. Go make yourself feel at home, okay? No one else is going to arrive for another two hours or so.

Early? No, I wanted to arrive fashionably late. Julie grimaced at the sound of her name. It was much too normal for such a unique girl such as herself, she’d get around to changing it one day.

“The fuck did you invite me to this lame ass party for, huh?”

The words escaped from her thoughts to her mouth in a split second but before she could lie, she could only watch as the girl's smile erupted into a giggle.

“So it’s that bad, huh?” Not missing a beat, Jodie parroted her words with that same stupid grin on her face.

“I never see you hang out with anyone during school or Drama. What, are you too cool for us for something? Y’know, I’ve tried to talk to you but you always ignore me when on my own during class. I thought you didn’t like me or something so it might be better to approach as a group so it’s more comfortable for you. Am I that mean?”

Another giggle, the girl was now laughing at her own joke to fill the silence, pathetic.

“Well if we bore you so much, I’d be happy to introduce you to people you might have more in common with..I mean, I was surprised that you even agreed to coming here in the first place!”

A set-up, that’s what this was. So they were really only inviting her to humiliate her. For a second, a looming dread came to Julie, but then she realized. 

A traumatic, possibly violent event like this would go great in her memoir, unlike with all the other fabrications she had tried to make her life seem worse, this could be a real turning point in her life. She just had to play it cool, naive, and unassuming.

“Oh, is that it?” Julie replied after a moment of silence “I’d love to hang out with you guys. Sorry I’ve been acting weird about it, I’m just not used to people wanting to hang out with me.”

“Really? That’d be great!”

God, could that stupid fucking smile get any bigger? It was sad, seeing how desperate this girl was to get her to like her.

Jodie continued “It’s okay, I don’t think you’re weird for not knowing how to talk to people, I still have problems talking to strangers myself.”

Another annoying giggle, just shut up already. Shut up. You don’t know anything about me.

“I just want to be your friend.”

If Jodie wasn’t going to do anything horrible for the next hour, she was taking matters into her own hands.

So Julie walked right up to Jodie, and socked her right in the jaw. As she watched her fall to the ground, Julie silently congratulated herself on bringing supplies in her tote and started to get to work tying her hands behind her back and handcuffing her to the radiator in the living room.

Ropes, a knife, a rag, and handcuffs. The essentials. 

She’d planned on having someone use them against her when she’d be presumably kidnapped, tortured, and worse. It was too bad she’d have to use them on her instead. What a waste, oh well. At least Julie would get some media coverage when she went to jail for this. It was better than nothing.

She’d almost shoved the gag in the now bound and crying girl's mouth, but she decided against it and asked her to cancel the party. It was a simple request, or was she so idiotic she couldn’t even do one thing?

Pulling the phone out of Jodie’s pocket and unlocking it once she’d gotten the password, the girl had calmed herself enough to tell Julia what to text her friends.

“Hi! Sorry, I had to pick up an extra shift suddenly so no party for today. Maybe we can get together next weekend?” Perfect? No, but good enough. According to Jodie, she did have a part-time job as a cashier, and she was known for her hard work, or as Julie liked to call it, her annoying persistence.

Apparently it wasn’t uncommon for her to cancel out of the blue, she said that was why she had tried to plan out her parties in advance to spend as much time with her friends as she could before the weekend was over, her parents were often out of town due to their jobs so she had her parties on non-business days to spare them the headaches and cleanup. This was one of those days, and again, it wasn’t uncommon. Her friends wouldn’t bother her while she was working, she hoped.

Julie jerked the phone away from Jodie’s sight before stuffing the rag in her mouth and going to the bathroom to dump her phone in the toilet. Hopefully that’d be enough to jam it or whatever people did in movies.

Now for the interesting part. God, Julia was so glad she decided to take matters into her own hands and make this night something to remember.

She grabbed the knife from her bag, and knowing that her hostage couldn’t move, got to work sawing off her left leg after some effort. Jodie passed out from the pain soon after. Sadly, she pissed and shit herself several times too. 

It was messy and bloody and disgusting, but Julie didn’t need to clean it up.If she got away with it, then there would be no media coverage..she still had to be clever enough for there to be some mystery though. What would really set her apart from all the other murderers? How could she make this situation even worse?

She heard the grumbling of her own stomach and in that second, she knew.

Jodie had gazed longingly at the snacks on the table before she was unceremoniously dragged away by the ankle. She must be hungry by now. How long had it been since she last ate?

Another few hours passed and Julie helped herself to some chips and took a swig from her water as she watched Julie awaken.

The hunk of meat that was left of Jodie’s leg didn’t look appealing in the slightest but it was better than nothing, wasn’t it?

“You hungry?” Julie asked and shoved it toward her “Go on, I’m not going to bother to cook for you or get you anything better than what you deserve. Eat.”

Oh, this, this was perfect. Having a hostage eat their own leg to survive? That would get her in the history books for sure! Julie prided herself at her quick thinking.

Jodie looked in horror at the mass of her own flesh for a second and didn’t say anything. Of course, the gag and the rope and the handcuffs, of course the girl couldn’t eat. She should have taken that into consideration. What if she had last words? Julie figured she’d deal with that later.

Well, no matter! A horrible girl such as herself forcing her to eat it? Even better if they had no other choice.

After removing the gag and cutting her leg into bite-sized pieces with her knife, Julie shoved the soft, fleshy meat down her throat again and again, waiting for her to chew and swallow until every little bite was inside of her. Again, she was pleased at her idea, this was just perfect..Jodie was vomiting a lot now though, she’d just have to force it back inside her stomach.

What to do now, huh? Ugh, she was getting a little bored. This was going almost too well, the gag had muffled her screams and no one was expecting her until school, even Julie’s mother thought she was changing plans and staying for a sleepover. Boring, boring, boring..

What could she do to make this worse? How could she possibly make this worse?

Ooh, double suicide. Maybe they could be lovers, hiding it from everyone and pretending. She’d never been seen with Jodie though, whatever, she could just pretend that no one knew. Hopefully that’d be enough. Two lovers that could only truly be together in death, didn’t matter that Julie had two moms, didn’t matter that Julie was straight. She could make up some other excuse. It’d look good for her legacy at least, if she survived then she’d still have something interesting to write her memoir about.

She looked down at the pathetic, sobbing, mess in front of her. She gave a slight shrug at her hostage’s expression as if to say “At least you’re not dead, right?”

Julie tried to emulate the grin that Jodie had given to her what felt like years ago -Not that she was keeping track of course- before haphazardly stabbing Jodie a few times and hoping that’d be enough blood loss or whatever.

She was bored by this point and wanted it all to be over so she could move on and focus on the important things, like her future. She opened the nearest window and jumped, awaiting the sweet embrace of death to come the second she hit the ground.

Julie only felt the sharp pain of her body colliding with the dirt below.

Nothing else happened, that was it.

[bionicdragonguardian1]

Ranma 2/4

Part 3; Final: chapter 26-38

After this it’s on to good and proper timeline deliberation

These two are honest-to-God morons and I want to punch them in the face

*sigh* Ranma…

Y’know I almost had hope that this differed in the manga

Guess not

I DO NOT approve of alienation

However, getting emotional character development out of Ranma is like pulling teeth

So alienate away

Emotional Oof

THANK YOU!

*chuckles* Ryoga, you’re great

BREATHE

He’s dying don’t kill him early

FINALLY!

Ooo

didn’t see that coming

*tightly* I’m fine

okay, Ranma, you know what to do

*heaves giant ass sigh* RANMA!

*screams*

Look I know no chill, kay, shut up

RIP my shipping heart

*sighs* FUCK!

Not gonna lie, I’m Ranma

Careful, Akane might kill you

And with the way Hinako’s acting she deserves it

I’m actually with Nabiki on this one

I love how Ranma is rolling with this

Ooo that’s gonna sting

Those 3 are terrifying, honestly

Hinako, your timing is awful

STOP USING RANMA AS YOUR LANDING PAD SHAMPOO!

Ranma blubbering hurts WAY more than I thought it would

Ranma, you’re digging your own grave here

Someone call me when he learns his lesson FINALLY

*cringes* Yikes, tbh I can’t tell if she’s playing him

Ranma you shit

WHY

Why is it always Kuno?!

Oof this gonna hurt w Kuno’s understanding of Ranma’s curse

Expect all Ranma and Kuno- especially Ranko- interactions to hurt really bad

Ukyo, you’re an idiot

You too Ryoga

Honestly

Alright, that’s funny

Ukyo, you’re lucky they’re dumb

Oh God, you two are SO wrong, but I love it

Aaand what does that say about you two Akane?

Ooo I could make this really mean

It’s SO tempting

Well, that went nowhere

Poor Ranma

So many trans vibes, honestly

*screams* HOW? Who? WHY?!

Wha-wha-what?!?!

Ouch, that’s gonna sting SO bad

heheh

Ouch, that hurt surprisingly more than I thought it would

Further proof that Genma SUCKS

Just this once, gimme soft

PLEASE

Close enough…

Okay, this fight was AWESOME!!

*sigh* Why am I even surprised by Genma’s reasoning anymore?

If Ranma cries, Imma cry

Excuse me while I go scream

I literally don’t even know what to do with this

Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on, I guess

okay, the end was funny though

Soun, is that bird didn’t look out of it’s gourd I’d believe you

*Chucks whole birdhouse* “fair”

A+ pic of Ranma

In his defense, he can argue something else, they just won’t listen cuz Shampoo won’t go with the truth

Alright, so Shampoo is smart, but with Ranma she’s an idiot

Wouldn’t the smart idea be to send Ranma AND Akane in with all 4 objects at the start?

Ok, Shampoo Sleep-Fighting is funny

Ranma is so underwhelmed that he’s just not even caring anymore

How Kasumi the scariest one to be possessed

Alright, anything with Nabiki on the cover worries me

Holy Shit he played Nabiki

I’d be impressed if I wasn’t annoyed to hell

Let’s all be glad right now that Genma never mastered this

Where do you think he would’ve sent it?

My inclination’s the Tendos

If nothing else I’m impressed by Nabiki

Now play this man like a kazoo PLEASE

When Ranma lectures you on how you’re acting like kids, you done fucked up

I’m with Ranma

Are you sure Akane?

Cuz I’m not

Heheheheh

Thems the breaks Ranma

You deserve it

Holy Shit Ryoga, nice

Now, I understand that Pigs are your life, but you might be dead

And honestly, I don’t blame him

Okay, that one’s gonna hurt

No matter how you slice it

Morality, Ranma, I know you have it

I hate this

Ok, that was uncalled for

Ranma he’s gonna kill you

Also WTF are you thinking?!?

Oof

Wait… what?

I’m officially concerned

Ok, I actually kinda like this interlude

Akane… seriously, trust is a thing you need to learn

One would think she’d learn…

Okay, that is actually creepy

I would too Ranma, I would too

Jesus fucking Christ, you suck Happosai

LetRanmaMeetHisMomCOVID19!

Gemma you shit

Happosai, go fuck yourself

Nevermind, don’t let him meet her, this is ridiculous

“Where’s the fridge?” “Akane wanted it”

I shouldn’t’ve laughed as hard as I did

*sigh* I just want Ranma to have ONE normal parental figure in his life, is that too much to ask?!

I already hate this idea

He comes back Imma scream

Since when?

On what planet does penpal = boyfriend/girlfriend?

Ryoga, PICK ONE!

I’m getting annoyed with you Ryoga, which sucks cuz you’re one of my faves

Ryoga, how are you this gullible?

You deserved that Ranma

I would wish the fate of being Kuno’s wife on no one

Ever

Congrats Ukyo you’ve actually made me freak out

I don’t appreciate it

At all

*shudders*

Oh this is SO weird

Of y’all keep making comments like this WHY do you keep trying?!

Nevermind it’s Hiroshi and Daisuke, they’re in the know

I’m going to say it again

AKANE LEARNS TO SWIM LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!

This is why you don’t buy cheap food people

I can’t lie, I’ve been waiting for Akane to get possessed

That moment when the ghost is honestly being a bit too sensitive

Actually, he didn’t, so shut up

I could make the Hawaiian thing so Explicit

But I won’t, cuz y’know consequences and stuff

I’m not going to ask how Ashura drowned at Josenkyo

Taro, quit being a dick, you turn into a Minatour-like thing

God he’s dumb

When Crazy and Crazy wanna duke it out, Ranma’s got the right idea

Excuse me, what?!

Ooo, now you’ve made Akane mad, run

Wtf is wrong with you, Kodachi, he’s literally unconscious!

I think that was almost character development?

I can’t tell

Ranma should not look that good in a suit

Whoa, she actually like… said it

Damn

Everyone’s got 4 sec to start treating Ranma like a person

Oof, right in his pride

Akane, I need you to stop being cute for 3 sec so I can focus

Yeah, I ain’t making it dormant

Ranma, I can’t tell if this is sexism or jealousy, either way it looks ugly on you

“At least he’s scaring the cats” harsh Kasumi

Okay, so I’m 90% sure it’s just jealousy, which better but still ugh

Ranma, you can be kickass when Akane is too

Ya goddamn moron

I’m going to beat that into him

There will probs be some angst about that

Not gonna lie

Look I’m good at it

Sorry

Ranma, if you want to get MURDERED that’s the way to do it

Smooth one, idiot

Called out

You better do this right or I swear, I’ll kill you myself, Ranma

I believe that is a fail

Of epic proportions, congrats

You NEED to learn to keep your mouth shut Soun

Awww

But he’s not lying!

Ranma, just run, she’s actually pissed this time

FUCKING RUN!

Alright, Akane, NO

You’re playing into the patriarchy

Oh, right… 80’s...

I’m changing that!!

Oh My God PLEASE tell me Ranma gets deaged!! Please!

Ranma’s got more patience for assholes than I do

Jesus

Hah

He deserved that

Part of me wants to see Kasumi actually get pissed off

YES!!

I LOVE degaging plots!

Ranma, I want you to math that one out, just a little

YES!

I am LIVING for this!

There is so much wrong with that sentence Kodachi

Ok, that was a little too cruel Akane

Someone either get Mousse recognized as Legally Blind

Or someone get him glasses that work!

Either one, but PLEASE

I just got a “draw me like one of your french girls” joke from a horse

Even though the widespread joke is LITERALLY at least 30 years later than this image

OOF

Ice Cold

We’re running out of chapters for her to find out

She better have a canon way of doing it otherwise I’m gonna be really mean with it…

Bean… Gun… Plant…

Eh Seen weirder

Aww Valentine’s Day chapter!

Yes!

Poor Ranma

These two are blind to each other

Heheh

Aww

I love these dorks

Heheh oops, busted

I still just find the principal an honest annoyance

Wait… when did Ranma start wearing a school uniform?

Congrats Miss Hinako!

I just now realized that I’m going to have write someone who is ok with having a female chest

Gag me with a spoon

Bleh

I’m bad at that

I really do want to give Ranma clothes that do actually fit his female form

Ranma needs to look at the terms and conditions of good curse

Cuz this is getting creative

Uh oh

Ranma you have a brain, please use it

Hehe, she’s doing her body laundry

Oh shit

THANK YOU SOUN!

Fucking Happosai

Why are you the actual worst!

Oh shit

Goddammit Nodoka

That one was ALL on you

I expected this from Nabiki, but wtf Nodoka?!

Happosai you twisted fuck

Heheheh alright that’s funny

If nothing else Shampoo is sneaky

WHY is that the only way to undo it?!

Poor Akane she is so lost

Aw, poor Ryoga

Definitely not, Akane, but thank you for posing that question

Thank you for calling him out on his ego

This would be hilarious to see this before anyone had any bit of a clue about Ranma’s two forms

Also, Ranma, you need to keep her safe from the Kunos 

 *sigh* Akane, you’re wrong 

 Ooo, not good 

 And that is what no self control looks like folks 

 What is with that ending? 

 And this is what manipulation look like folks 

Also, y’know, robbing someone blind 

 I’m assuming this is Konatsu and I love them already 

 I’m using they/them cuz I’m unsure of what pronouns to use 

 Y’know I thought the Cinderella thing was a joke, turns out I was wrong 

 I do not understand Konatsu’s thought process w Ukyo at all 

 Also, can you not knock them out? 

 I am forgetting the name of that one Hero from Supergirl but if my understanding Konatsu is correct I’m DEFINITELY going to do that

Yeah, that’s NOT how that’s gonna go over 

 Okay, can we all agree that the trick Kuno used on Ranma is HORRIBLE, right? 

 Wholeass mood for Ranma 

 Like you two need to shut up 

 I just want Ranma to wear a sun shirt and trunks to the beach ONCE 

Ryoga… how are you so lost that you came up through the ground? 

Ranma, how are you both a dick and a good friend at the same time? 

 Just tell me How on Earth did Akari justify the hot water for Ryoga with revealing that he’s Pchan 

 I’d like to think that’d be something they wouldn’t skip over 

 No questions, just punches a grave 

 Why does that grave hit back? 

 Honestly Nodoka almost finding is stressing me out 

 I could be SO angsty with the Neko-ken Fear thing 

 Someone tell me not to I’m that much of an asshole 

So glad that she’s apparently gonna learn bc I would’ve been SO mean 

God, Genma you actually suck 

 Oh, thank God she’s not too smart 

 The fact that he’s 300% ready to die is actually depressing 

 That was actually quite touching

If we ignore the way Ranma phrasing that is just plain wrong

Uhm… what?

 C-can she do that?

I hope not

God, you two are so dumb!

Is her definition of “manly” emotionless?!

Bitch, have a heart!

Oh God make them ALL leave! ALL OF THEM!

You feel? You said “you’re leaving”

 Ranma, the fact that you didn’t put that together I can’t help you Like my dad says “I can’t fix stupid”

The fact that he feels the need to run screaming from his own house…

Nabiki, WHY

I’m convinced at this point that there is something Nabiki HATES about Ranma and that’s why she’s making his life a living hell

Cuz you do realize at least ⅓ of his problems are because she told someone something that was private

I can’t tell if that’s an insult or a backhanded comment

Either way, RUDE

I can’t tell, is that Konatsu or is that Tsubasa?

Must go back and check cuz Akane’s comment about “trasvestite and a homosexual” confused me since Ranma mentioned being “the first male kunoichi”But then who HAS TO BE Tsubasa says they’re a straight guy

*sigh*

 Yep, nope, that’s Konatsu

My understanding was that Konatsu was like actually trans in canon

Apparently I mixed that up

I’m making it canon

 MtF Konatsu

 Bisexual Konatsu

One of these days someone is going to teach people to cook before assuming they know what they’re doing

 Seriously It’s not that hard

Did they seriously just try to marry an unconscious Akane to Ranma?!

What The Fuck?!

Aww, she’s cute

Ryoga has a bad sense of direction, but he’s never missed before…

Okay, that’s a little strange

Why is she hatching?

Poor Mousse

Lol, that was so sweet until Ranma was dumb

It’s still sweet, who am I kidding

“Do I look like I wear Totoro underwear” oh that’s GOLDEN

Le shit

 Firstly, Genma is still and idiot

Second, how is he already in Moscow?!

Third, why do I find this hilarious

Oh fuck

YES Kick her ass Akane!

I’m confused

Ok, was heralding back to the first chapter intentional?

Why does he have the staff in the bath?

Ok, I THINK I know what’s happening here…

Oof Can you two leave?

Ok, I was DEAD wrong

Wait…

If she…

If the DROWNED AKANE Imma commit murder

Damn, if you wanna piss off Ranma that’s how you do it

I don’t know why anyone would think pissing him off is smart

Oh, thank God, she’s okay

What is with this kid?

Why is he such a pain in the ASS?!

So I know she’s not dead

Unless SEVERAL DOZEN Fanfics have lied to me

Which is entirely possible since they were all listed as AUs

Uhm… Ranma… you okay?

Good, get him out cuz he’s clearly in shock

 This hurts

Okay, hate to be the one who complains that Akane’s not dead, but that doesn’t track

At all

Can I rescience this?

Please?

Am I going to be an ass about it, probably, but it’s me no one should be surprised by that in any way

“Honored and crazy guest” I mean, accurate

Alright, Shampoo you’ve got exactly 1 chance

Then I’ll maybe apologize for calling you names constantly

Oh I am gonna be such an asshole in this scene

Also extend it some

Oh, God I could be such a dick

I’ll restrain

I’ll just write one-shots instead

Mousse do the right thing

You have a Moral Compass I know that!

“Anytime THIS YEAR!” Damn the witty quips

Yeah, but you won morally

That’s what’s important

Why the Scooby-Doo line?

Go Ranma!

Ok, so that comment about Ranma basically fighting a God is NOT an overstatement

Noted

Congrats Ranma you made me Google a word

Turns out it is a word that had its height of use in the 80s

Neat

Explains why I had no clue what it meant

Someone shoot those damn chicken brains OUT OF THE SKY!

 “Only rocks”, rocks Ryoga just confirmed are 3 Tons

*sigh* I’m gonna have to physics the shit out of that

Joy

I cannot tell you the amount my heart dropped when I saw a full color double spread

Jesus Christ

DAMN

You’re gonna make me cry, dammit

Aww

YAY!

Heheh poor Ranma

Chill, hun, you’re good

Aww he’s tiny!

WHAT IS WITH YOU 2?!

STOP trying to marry your kids while they’re unconscious!

I’m not crying you are!

*tightly* I’m fine

Kodachi LET IT GO

 Literally everyone else too! I hate you all

Just so it’s on the record I’m pissed

Ok, so “back to the start” is definitely an oversimplification because Akane knows Ranma loves her Ranma knows she knows

Akane! Your turn!

Ooo, IDEA!

[thedistantstorm]

Come Together 07

Fandom: Destiny

Pairing: Devrim Kay/Marc

Warnings: angst, homophobia, domestic violence (mentioned), wasted tea 

Notes: If you haven’t figured it out yet, for the purposes of this story, Marc is bisexual, and Devrim is homosexual. Bungie doesn’t tell us much besides that they are partners, so this is purely my interpretation.

“A young city planner set his eyes on an older militiaman. He was unkempt and terribly forward. The militiaman had class. He wasn’t interested.”

“Clearly,” Marc tells their friends. “That’s why they decided to get married.”

(A story told in bits and pieces.)

Chapters: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06

-/

"I'm sorry," Marc says. "For lying. And hurting you. There isn't anyone else."

The roughness of his voice makes Devrim flinch. He's standing there, beside his squadmate's tiny loveseat, and has never felt more out of his depth.

"I'm sorry-"

"None of this is your fault," Marc interrupts. "I did this."

He crouches down beside Marc, well aware that his heart is jackhammering in his chest. "I should have talked to you," Dev prattles on anyway. "Letting it simmer and taking an op certainly didn't help."

"It's fine." 

"Look at me."

Marc shakes his head, his mussed, wavy hair hanging down like curtains to shield his face from his partner's view. Devrim sighs and stands in front of him, dropping back down, taking a knee this time. "It didn't help."

"I could have avoided upsetting you if I just told you, but I didn't, and-"

"We're going to get through this, you and I."

His head rockets up, those sad hazel eyes locking on him and Devrim doesn't know if he wants to pull Marc into his arms and never let him go, fight all of his battles for him, or maybe shed a couple tears himself. It's an unusual reaction for him to have. 

But this relationship is certainly unusual, Devrim thinks. They're not sick of each other - Marc, the charming flirt who never seems to stay in one place for long, and himself - the gentleman who's all about romance until the threat of permanence becomes a noose around his throat.

"Alright?" He gives in to the impulse and encircles Marc with his arms. "Please," He asks, aware of the tremor in his voice. "Let me hold you."

It's not comfortable, Devrim half sitting on Zara's coffee table, leaning over Marc who has curled in on himself. None of this was. It was new and heartbreaking and so terribly raw. Devrim felt horrible for his younger partner, and utterly useless. All he can do is hold onto him, shushing and rocking him as he cries. And he commits himself to it thoroughly.

When his sobs subside heavy, ragged breaths, Devrim smooths back his hair, handing him a handkerchief from his back pocket. "Zara said she took you to get some clothes?"

He nods. 

"Good. When you're ready, we'll go back to my place and figure this all out, alright?"

"Okay," He agrees softly, but his grip on Devrim gets tighter and the militiaman takes it as a step in the right direction.

-/

Marc won't sleep. Won't eat. Devrim gets him home and the other man just stares off at nothing, his eyes red and glazed. The occasional tremors he sees suggests Marc would still be crying, assuming he had any tears left to cry.

He'd hoped that Marc might want to lie down, let Devrim coax him into sleep. But he refused, sitting at a stool in the kitchen, watching the tea Devrim had made them both go cold in his hands. Wouldn't come to the couch, at least get comfortable.

Now, Devrim has a sneaking suspicion why, but he doesn't like it. "Marc, you should sleep, before we have this discussion," He says.

He makes a sad little smile into his tea. "All the chamomile in the world couldn't relax me enough," He admits, with an off-kilter laugh that seems more like a sob. "Dev, I won't sleep. I'll just lay awake."

"If you're sure." He sets about fixing a different kind of tea. Not chamomile. When he pries the mug from Marc's fingers, he lingers, his fingers resting over Marc's.

There is no response, no movement from the younger man until another mug of tea - piping hot chai - is placed in front of him.

"It's not espresso, but it'll have to do."

"It's fine," He answers dully.

Silence reigns as Devrim also takes a seat at the kitchen island on a perpendicular stool. Marc inhales, looking down into the dark liquid.

"I lied to my mother. And you," He begins, not looking up.

Devrim nods.

Marc sighs. "Before, I only ever brought home women I was seeing," He begins. "Not like I made it a point to see them often, or like I enjoyed seeing them." He taps the mug, brows pulling together as he thinks. "I created this 'Margaret' person, to keep them from asking questions. I went with a girl named Margaret once. We went to school together. She lives on the other side of the City now. No one ever had to know."

There's a moment of tentative silence before Devrim reaches for his hands - a hand, something - but Marc shakes his head. Dev withdraws, clenching his fists.

"I always thought that I'd fall for a woman, and then I could just keep it to myself."

"That's not the way, Marc. You shouldn't have to-"

"No," He agrees. "I shouldn't. But it is what it is. It wasn't worth upsetting my parents." He lets go of the mug of tea, looking up into his partner's blue gaze. "I could handle it, y'know?"

"Marc…"

"Let me finish," He begs. "I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to get through the conversation. I was going to explain it the second we'd gotten through the interaction, I swear."

"I know."

"You didn't at the time," Marc presses. "You looked at me like I'd stolen the sun from the sky, Devrim. Like I'd punched you in the gut."

"You're right," He agrees, lips thinning. He takes a sip of his tea to steady himself. "That is… close, to what it felt like."

"I'm sorry. I really am."

"I forgive you." Devrim answers immediately. "I just needed to cool off. I - your body language bothered me, but it - I'm not normally so irrational," He finally admits. "Never, to be honest. Normally I'd see right through it, and yet all I could think about was that there was someone else. I'm not - those things happen, Marc. Normally, it's no hard feelings, rejection stings, sure, but it doesn't waylay me." He exhales. "I'm terrible at keeping suitors around when I care for them. It's never them, I just.” The truth is heavy on his tongue. “Permanence leaves a lot of room for error, you understand."

There is a sort of hope that grips Marc then, like a small spot of sun in a rainstorm. Devrim reaches for his hands again, and this time they link together in a messy pile.

"I want to be with you, if you will have me," Devrim says, and Marc nods, his overused tear ducts managing to find themselves functional again. "Don't cry, darling. I'm liable to as well." They both manage watery smiles, not lasting long at all, but the warmth seems to find its way back into the room. "Now tell me what happened. Zara said-"

He squeezes Devrim's hands and withdraws. "They disowned me," He admits softly, detached. "I knew it was coming. I think," He takes a pull from his mug, flinching at the taste, "I think I always knew."

Devrim crosses his arms. "That isn't right."

"I mean, it didn't really bother me. I called, told my ma you were my partner. She didn't get it. She got it when I used the word boyfriend. You'd have thought I told her I was a serial killer. Asked me when I 'turned,'" He quotes. "If you turned me."

He sets the mug down. "She never knew. Raised me, pushed me from her womb and neither her or my dad had a single clue." He gestures to his chest. "Nobody turned me. This has always been who I am."

"I get it."

"I hung up on her when she started with the slurs. She doesn't understand. She's never understood." He bangs his hand on the counter top. "She and my dad came over, after. Started carrying on in the hall when I didn't let them in. So I did. Let them in." He looks to Devrim. "I-I didn't want the neighbors to phone in a domestic. And I paid for it."

"The apartment is bad," Marc continues, strained. "I don't think I want to live there anymore." 

"We'll figure it out," Devrim presses. "You need to sleep on it."

Marc shakes his head, having already made up his mind. "I don't want them to know where I live." He puffs out his cheeks, then pushes the air from them slowly. "They can say what they want about me. They made me. I guess they have the right-"

"That isn't how it works at a-"

"But then they started calling you a faggot and I lost it. You didn't do anything. My mother thought you were wonderful right up until she knew you were interested in me romantically. I'm not-if it was just me, that'd be okay. But when I got in her face, told her she'd overstayed her welcome, my father threw his drink at me. Broke the glass on the kitchen floor."

"He didn't-"

"No."

"Good."

"I realize I look like hell, and now's probably not the best time to convince anyone otherwise, but I'm not broken, Dev. I know I'm not."

Devrim rises, coming around behind his emotionally battered man, hugging him fiercely. "No. You're not broken, Marc. Shame on them for insinuating otherwise."

"My father wondered if it was something curable. I like women, too, so no one would have to know, if I just kept to seeing women. It got," He swallows. "I told them to fuck off. And then when he really started throwing things, I knew it wasn't going to work. Not like this."

"I understand," Devrim says, swaying gently in their embrace. "I'm sorry you're going through this. Perhaps they'll come around."

"I'm not holding my breath," Marc replies, mumbling.

"Do you regret it?" Devrim asks.

Marc rises slowly, tired and unbalanced. "I'm sad. Angry. Hurt." His lips tremble, but he gives Devrim his best attempt at a smile. "But it's kind of nice not to hold it in anymore. Even if it didn't come up often, I don't want to pretend."

"Nor should you have to," Devrim agrees.

"Do you mind if I take the couch until I sort things out?"

 Devrim sweeps him up in a romantic carry. "We'll talk terms in the morning. There is a perfectly good bed we can share, so long as you are willing."

[wanttoshine-a]

I feel like both an explanation and an apology is owed so--- I’m gonna get this out there today, or try to... It’s for the people that have interacted with me ooc... Even the like-- One person I’m talking to rn, because lord knows they’ve had a lot of patience w/ my lack of answers for months....... 

I want to sincerely apologize. It’s long, sorry for that, but I can’t really get anything better written-- Still, I feel like I owe this much at least.

I’m not sure where to start but I’ll... Try to make it make some kind of sense??? 

Okay so--- Those who have been speaking to me since... Around a year ago or so may have noticed that I... have been pretty inconsistent with OOC chatting since--- October I think it was?? More or less, I think. I’ve been, truthfully, mainly absent, but perhaps I’d have a month where I’d be quick to reply and chat, even if I was a bit all over the place. And then, well... then I’d vanish for a while and be mostly on tumblr just answering to ic stuff, and even then being hella slow with threads anyway.

I’m... Not going to talk about what happened in october; in fact I don’t really want to go into too much detail about what’s been going on because to be fair it would sound like excuses and really--- I just want to apologize, because I have made people that I’d like to call friends here feel bad and I know I both failed and hurt them by dropping off the face of the earth. Lots of things had been happening since then and I’ve... been stuck in a bad place, but I fully acknowledge that I could have taken some time to send a few messages and I didn’t. 

God, i really don’t know how to say this or where I’m going all that well... 

It’s nothing personal. I’m not bored of you or....... angry or annoyed. It’s not that. Hell, if i was walking to you was because I enjoyed it. But-- The plain and honest truth is that when I get depressed I just... lose interest in everything and anything. And ooc talking, after coming from class and having to spend so much energy talking and just... being normal and acting normal, I come home drained and I just want to avoid interaction altogether- It’s not because I don’t like talking with someone in someone specifically, I’m just--- exhausted, and tired and just done with pretty much everything. Even something as simple as just going to class every day is not smth I’m managing to do.

You know, when I first got into this community I told myself that I should keep some distance with people because I know when the depression hits I can be months without wanting to talk and i... Know what being ignored is like, so I didn’t want to do that again. But, well--- I don’t like being alone either so I went and made friends and it worked for a while but then --- good old pal depression pays a visit and I’m doing the same damn thing, and I’m sorry.

And despite knowing I’m being a dumb fuck I go and avoid people even though I know it’s a horrible plan, because I tell myself like ‘ if you just leave it be for a few days you’ll clear your head a bit ’ But it--- never really happens ??? And then I want to explain myself but--- How can I go to someone I haven’t spoken to in weeks or longer to moan at them like that ?? I gotta get my shit together before I do that--- I feel like I’m not doing enough and like.... I’m making people feel bad, and I try to push myself to answer but it-- it only works for a small while and then I’m feeling even more guilty.

I don’t know. I don’t wanna be offering excuses, but I do want to apologize sincerely to those I talk to ooc, they’re--- or well. if you’re one of them, which I guess you gotta be if you made it this far--- You’re more often then for me than it’s the other way around, and many of you tell me not to worry but.... I know it feels like you’re being deliberately ignored; that’s not it. I promise. I’m just....... so damn tired of everything all the time. But it’s not fair to behave like that... The worst part is that I can’t even promise it won’t happen again, because that’d probably be a lie. 

I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone when I say this; but--- Perhaps you should think if you really want to talk with me besides superficial stuff?? This sounds bad, because it’s MY fault and not yours, one hundred percent. But I can’t promise depression won’t leave me--- well, bad, again, and so perhaps you should save yourself the trouble. If you want to only discuss ic stuff from now on, it’s cool for me, or even if you decide that it’s too unstable of a friendship-- I get that, you people gotta look after yourselves too.

I’m just--- I’m trying to be as honest as I can here, I’m not sure what else to do. I know this was a mess but thank you if you made it this far. I want to fix this, but I’m not sure how. I feel like I owe you much more than this shitty explanation but besides an ‘I’ll try’ all I can do is.... leave things on the table like this. I’m sorry.

And I’d... like to thank you too for all your patience so far. You’re good people, I just wish I could repay many things but my stupid brain keeps getting in the damn way. But it’s not because of you.

[monochromemedic]

A Demonic Deal

I stared at the demon before me looking over his body. His large S shaped horns holding up some strange green eye made out of energy.  He seems to have 4 other eyes, all sad and never looking. His mouth looked like it was hard on the sides, like it opened wider then it should with outward teeth. He seemed to be naked, but he was covered in strange thin vines made of pure black or perhaps a dark green. A few bright lights flowing through the vines.  He was buff, and a bit handsome in all honesty, but the way he hover over me, his sharp needle like legs ending in a point that would occasionally scratch the ground filled me with chills. He had a tail, or something like it, two thin long tails that dragged along the ground. I rubbed my eyes, hopping it was just some horrible dream, but when i looked back up he was still there, staring. “What the fuck... what are you?” I asked, although I knew it had to be some demon, something not human at least. He began to open his mouth, wider then a human would.  “I’ve come to make a deal with you human” His voice was low and deep, causing me to shake and get goosebumps. “You have something... you desire don’t you?” He leaned down, his face close to mine as I closed my eyes and looked away, trying to stay calm, to wake up from this bad dream. I could feel his breath against my skin, it was ice cold. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I yelped, glancing back at him. His eyes scanned me before he stood up straight “You do not need to lie. I know you yearn for love, affection. That’s why i’m here. I can see how desperate you are. And i’ve come to strike a deal, with little to no cost. Only a promise that i’ll have your soul in the after life... And i’ll find you a loved one.” I looked at him in disbelief, shivering again before putting my hands to my face, beginning to tear up. It’s what i’ve always wanted but to lose my soul? That was too much of a cost... but what if I said no to him, what would happen to me? I held back a sob, giving a little strained gasp as I tried to think of what to do. In my surprise I heard a shaky sigh back. I looked up to see the creature hunch over, hand to his face as he  took a few deep breaths. “It’s fine... it’s fine... you’re ok. This is fine you can do this. It’s not a big deal... ohhh but...” He looked up seeing that I was staring and tried to look serious again. “M...make your choice human.” I was confused, staring him over before he sighed and dropped the act. “Oh god. I’m never gonna get this down... god I should just give up! I never wanted to do this l...listen I don’t want to make you scared or sad! I...” He scrunched his face and gasped “I never wanted to be a demon like this. I never wanted to make deals... it’s my dad’s idea he’s... he wants the best for me but... i’m just a disappointment! I can’t do this, i’m not good at this. All my brothers were better at this... why can’t dad just let them take the reigns?” I didn’t know what to say, a bit confused at this mental breakdown this demon was having in front of me. Dad? Brothers? It sounded like some family squabble. And this guy? This buff intimidating demon was just some... rookie flunk out of a group of possibly bigger badder demons. “I... h...hey uh... it’ll be ok” I muttered to the demon, reaching a hand out cautiously to touch his shoulder. He shuttered and melted into my hand, like he had never been touched before. “You don’t get it. I just wanna make my dad proud but I don’t think I can do this stuff. I don’t want to do this... I wanna... do other things. But my dad thinks that that stuffs dumb that... no demon does that stuff.” He gave out a nervous hum before looking back at me. “M...my names Eric.” I was surprised at the name. Not very demonic. “I’m Jenna... um do you want to talk about it?” “Maybe but... I shouldn’t you’re human I can’t. I should be scaring you and making deals and... other demon things like um... incubus stuff- wait no not that I don’t mean oh jeez” He put his hands to his head  before grabbing a small bit of cloth I didn’t notice hidden in the vines covering his body. It was surprisingly bright yellow, and stood against the rest of his person. He ringed it nervously, trying to think. “Well... maybe just sitting down for a while? Maybe that will help um... do you drink do you want a soda uh... a treat? I got some chocolate.” I offered, gesturing to my bed. He seemed to pause for a moment before nodding and sitting down “That’d be really nice... and lovely thank you Jenna.” I nodded and went to fetch a soda and a bit of chocolate we had laying around the house. I returned not too long after, and he seemed surprised. “I thought you were gonna run” I shook my head “It’s... cold. Snowy. Besides I don’t think i’d have anywhere to run to.” I gave him a soda and chocolate which he nervously began to nibble on the chocolate and sip from his can. I sat down beside him, staring over his body.  He was huge. I couldn’t believe he was real.  And he acted like this... it was surreal. The way he gently nibbled the chocolate and sipped the can was strange. It was almost overly cautious, and I could tell his hands were shaking. “Eric... what do you want to do that your dad doesn’t want you to do?” He paused for a moment, looking away before muttering. “I... I wanted to have a farm. I always thought animals were interesting... just all animals. They’re all understanding. Maybe own a plant. Plants are nice... but there’s not many in hell.” I gave a small smile  “That sounds lovely Eric... I think that’s a great idea. I wish you could have a farm eventually” The demon began to snivel, rubbing his eye before looking down at me. “Why are you being so nice to me... I don’t get it.” I shrugged and looked away “I don’t know... I just thought you were having a bad moment and I have those and you didn’t want to hurt me so I wanted to help. It just felt right I guess.” Eric nodded, twiddling his hands before looking up at the ceiling. “Well... thank you. Um... i’m sorry that I can’t give you your deal you... I don’t wanna take your soul from you especially not after this. I never wanted to do this... I just kinda scared you and took some food. Dad’s gonna be mad...” He bit his lip, his eyes looking frantically around as he began to get worked up again. I put my hand to his arm gently, causing him to shutter and give a small whimper “Hey it’ll be ok. It’s... fine really. It was nice meeting you Eric. I kinda wish we could meet again. You seem really nice.” Eric gave a soft sob, tears running down his face before he quickly wiped them away, a small hiccup coming out of him. “Thank you that’s... really nice I... wish i could stay. Earth is alot more colorful and nice then Hell. People just... make fun of me or hurt people or kill. But up here there’s... people like you and... that’s good cause it makes me... feel nice. And there’s shows and... food and comfy beds.” My heart pounded loud in my chest. The hell was wrong with me this was a demon but the way he talked so gentle so nice so genuine. It stirred something within me. Maybe it was the lack of talking to others but I kind of didn’t want Eric to leave either. I felt this pulling towards him, he reminded me of myself when I was having a rough time. Besides he was a new person to talk to and a guy none the less. I shook my head, my cheeks growing red The hell was I thinking. This was a demon not some average joe. I was pulled from my thoughts as he stood up, rubbing his hands along the fabric again. “I should go... Dad will be upset and if i’m late he’s just gonna be even angrier... Thank you for being so nice to me Jenna. I wanna meet you again sometime soon.” Without thinking I grabbed his arm, the black thin vines twisting around my hand gently, like a hand reaching back. “Wait” He looked stunned, but waited for a response. I tried to open my mouth to say something, anything but I couldn’t stop the knot in my throat from choking on my words. It was only when he asked what was wrong did I sputter out some sort of sentence. Although maybe not the right one. “Stay with me” He looked just about as shocked as I did when I realized what just came from my mouth, trying to find an excuse as to why i would suddenly blurt that out. “I... I mean I meant it... in... I... wanna... see you again or...” I could feel tears begin to prick my eyes in embarrassment as I hung my head, pushing my face into my hands. “Fuck... sorry you can just... go.  Sorry.” There was silence for a while before a heard a sound like a rush of flames, and when I peered up he was gone. I laid in my bed, trying to close my eyes and sleep, to forget about what happened and if that was real or just some strange hallucination. Whatever it was the embarrassment wast still real and it made my cheeks turn red every time I thought about what I said to him. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of rushing flames and a small glow coming from my dark room. I gasped, looking up to see Eric standing there nervously, his eyes glowing dimly in the dark like some animal. “I’m... sorry I left. I was just flustered is all. I went... home and thought about it, thought about everything and... my dad came. He um... upset me. Made me not feel good about myself and.. I kind of realized that I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be there and feel out of place and bad. I... I don’t know if you were joking but... I was... hoping you weren’t.” There was a small shimmer that came over him and when it dissipated he looked human. No horns, no multiple eyes or veins. His legs were strange and he needed to slump against a dresser to stand up but other then that it looked like a normal handsome naked man in my room.  I was stunned and couldn’t speak for a moment. My heart was racing a million miles a second and all I could do was nod my head and get up, walking over to Eric to help him to the bed. Our hands were shaking. This was new for both of us, a strange new step. It was terrifying but felt comforting that there was someone else just as scared as the other in the room. I helped him lay down in bed, looking him over for a bit before looking to  the living room. “Y...you don’t have to leave if you don’t want. I know it’s weird i’m... naked in your bed but... i’m honestly scared. I kind of don’t want to be alone. B-besides you said you wanted a... a lover. and while. i’m... i’m um... I’m not saying I love you or any- I mean i appreciate you and you’re nice I... gosh” He paused to collect his thoughts “I... I thought maybe sleeping next to someone  would help with the loneliness.” I stared at him for a moment before giving a small chuckle, tears running down my face as I practically hopped into bed with him, hugging him close to me and nodding as I pressed my face against his chest. He gasped before giving a shaky smile and putting a hand to my back, rubbing it as we settled down for the night, both telling each other how thankful and scared we were. But we would take it one step at a time. And things would get better.

[marvelsquicksilver]

Fake Dating

Request: write a oneshot where the lead keeps getting pressured by her mum to get a date and Steve offers. 

READER X STEVE

Word count: 2584

note it’s 4am and I didn’t really proof read this well, but I hope it’s okay lmao. 

“Yes mum I know thanksgiving is your favourite time of the year—“ I huffed down the line—my mother had been whining on the phone for over an hour and I couldn’t seem to find a way to end to the conversation. “I’m going to be there yes, but I can’t guarantee that I won’t have to work.” She chose to ignore the fact that my job was in fact extremely important.

 Steve looked up from his newspaper, a sympathetic but somewhat cynical smile etched on his face.

 “Sorry,” I mouthed an apology in his direction—I really shouldn’t have been having such a loud private conversation in such an open space. “Wait what?” as I zoned back in I heard her mumble something about knowing that I won’t bring a date. “What do you mean you’re upset I won’t bring a date? Who says I don’t have a date?” I can feel my face turn bright red as Steve raises an eyebrow in concern—I wave him off.

 “Well honey it’s just that you never bring one, I assumed this year would be the sa—“

 “I have a date mother,” the words were falling from my mouth before I could stop them.

 “You what?” she sounds astonished—I hadn’t realised I was such a disappointment on the relationship front.

 “I have a date,” I repeated myself, knowing I couldn’t back out of the lie. My palms began to sweat and I could feel my heart rate increasing. What had I done? “Anyway gotta jet, duty calls—see you Friday.” I quickly hung up the call and gulped down the lump that’d been forming in my throat. What was I going to do?

 “Since when do you have a boyfriend?” Steve chuckled lightly. As my partner on the job he knew me best out of everyone on the stupid base—so he damn well knew that I didn’t have a date.

 “Shut up Steven.” I snapped as I fell back onto the couch, grabbing a pillow whilst I was at it so I could suffocate myself.

 “Will you stop that,” he grabbed the pillow, his large frame towering over me. “Stop being so overdramatic all the damn time.”

 “Why?” I threw my hands up in the classic dramatic fashion that he’d been talking about. “I’ve already dug my own grave—I mean where on Earth am I supposed to find a date to my stupid thanksgiving dinner? Every guy on this base thinks I am a nut job.”

 He grabs ahold of my arms and hoists me upright. “Not every guy on this base thinks you’re a nut job.”  

 “Oh yeah and you’re so sure, how?” I narrowed my eyes at him letting him know this wasn’t the time to be fake sympathetic. “I’m going to die Steve, I’ll have to lie—say my fake boyfriend came down with a bout of violent diarrhoea.”

 He rolls his eyes and sighs in defeat knowing full well that I won’t stop being a drama queen. “Why don’t I just come as your fake date?”

 “What?!” I shot up like a rocket, “come again Rogers? Are you offering to be my fake thanksgiving date?” He really did pity me.

 “Well I know the most about you,” he shrugged, “and I’m sure it won’t be that hard?” He raised an eyebrow in question and I knew he was silently asking if my family were as crazy as me.

 “Well my family ARE a piece of work, but they’re nothing Captain America can’t handle.” I was lying. My family were a MESS. My mother could only be described as a walking lunatic and my dad—my dad was the complete opposite. He just didn’t say a word, my mother had the upper hand in their relationship and he just went with the flow. My older sister was a control freak and my younger brother was the textbook definition of stoner. We did not gel together at all. Steve was in for the biggest challenge of his life, but I wasn’t going to be the one to admit it.

 “Well then,” he patted me on the shoulder, “I guess I’ll go pack my duffle bag.”

 “Oh I could kiss you right now,” I jumped up from the couch and engulfed him in a hug—my arms barely managing to fit around him.

 “Easy there Tiger, don’t want to seem too eager.” He laughed lightly. “Plus,” he smirks as I back away, “I’ve always known you had a secret crush on me.”

 I almost choke when he says that. “Oh Captain,” it’s my turn to pat him on the back, “you are sorely mistaken.”

 --

 “I wish we would’ve just taken the bike,” I sighed heavily as I moved to undo my seatbelt. The sweater I was wearing was scratching against my skin and I was more annoyed at the world than usual—I was putting it down to stress. I had no idea how the whole fake boyfriend situation was going to work out, but it was making me fret like I’d never fretted before.

 “Usually most parents don’t approve of the boyfriend who rides a motorcycle.” Steve smirked as he stroked his beard—I was enjoying the rugged look on him. he’d gelled his hair back for the occasion and had conducted a necessary trim on the beard, but it was just enough to make me still want him to pin me against a wall, which of course was against his better judgment—and I would never, ever let Steve pin me against a wall, cause we were partners and that was all.

 “Are you okay?” he waved a hand in front of my face and I realised that I’d zoned out whilst thinking about him losing his morals.

 “Hmm,” I let out some sort of noise to let him know that I was still alive and on Earth, “let’s go.”

 --

 “OH goOd Lord!” My mother sounded like she was going to have an aneurism when she opened the door—it was definite excitement, but not because her favourite daughter was home, no—it was because her daughter with not one but 5 PHD’s had brought a man home.

 “Hi mum,” I felt so accomplished. “This is Steve, Steve this is my mum Lara.”

 “Nice to meet you!” He handed her the flowers he’d insisted on buying even though I’d made it a clear point that my mother had the blackest of black thumbs and killed every plant in her path.

 “No, no!” She engulfed him in a hug, “nice to meet you! (Y/N) hasn’t had a boyfriend in years and when she said she had one, well—“ she took a second to drink in his good looks, “I definitely wasn’t expecting you, especially because she isn’t ageing like a fine wine if you know what I mean.”

 I chose to ignore my mother’s rude comment.

 Steve let out a light laugh, “well, I think your daughter is extremely beautiful and I’m honoured you invited me to your thanksgiving.”

 “Oh Steven you’re so sweet, come on in and meet everyone else.”

 --

 “So Steve,” my father wiped the corner of his mouth with his napkin, “your mum wasn’t disappointed that you couldn’t spend thanksgiving with her this year.”

 I felt like I was going to throw up, I couldn’t even chime in because I was frozen.

 “Uh, no Sir—“

 “Dad!” My sister spoke up, “don’t be stupid, he’s Captain America, his parents are dead!”

 “JANE!” I almost stabbed her hand with my fork, it was such an insensitive way of putting it.

 “What?!” she rolled her eyes, “it’s the truth?” She really was thick.

 I could feel my face heating up and Steve could obviously notice my anxiety creeping up. He placed a hand on my knee, silently letting me know it was going to be okay.

 “Wait,” my mother paused, “how old are you?”

 “Well,” Steve cleared his throat awkwardly, “ I’m 25, but if we’re talking technical terms then 97.”

 “That’s fucking weird,” my brother decided to join the conversation, “she’s like, dating someone older than grandpa.”

 “ENOUGH.” I got up from the table. “What is wrong with you people? You have no fucking shame, c’mon Steve.” I tugged on his sweater, “lets go.”

 “It’s fine (Y/N)” he shook his head, “I’m fine, sit back down—it’s too late to head back home and your mum has gone through so much effort.”

 He was right, it was too late to drive two hours home and the rain had started so the roads were probably icy in the cold weather.

 “Fine, but I refuse to sit at this table any longer, I’ll be in the guest room.” I didn’t want to leave him out there on his own, but god I didn’t want to deal with that any longer. They were so rude and so insensitive, they just didn’t think when they spoke and it killed me. I stormed off from the table and hoped to god Steve would be okay on his own.

 --

 “Hey,” Steve whispered as he entered the room “wait are you crying?” he flicked on the bedside lamp and sat down next to me.

 “No,” I lied as I violently wiped at my eyes.

 “(Y/N),” he stroked my hair back from my face, “it really wasn’t that bad you know.”

 “You don’t have to lie, they’re fucking horrible.”

 He let out a small laugh, “noooo, they’re just a normal curious family!”

 “They’re a bunch of nut jobs who lack the intellectual capacity to think before they speak and I dragged you into this shit show because I’m pathetic and can’t find an actual boyfriend.”

 He let out a deep sigh, not saying anything for a few seconds. “Look, I was going to wait till the end of this trip to ask, but obviously it can’t wait because you’re just being ridiculous every time you say you’re pathetic.”

 “What?” I sat up, I had no idea what he could be asking.

 “I was uh,” he held the back of his neck nervously, “I was thinking maybe I could take you on a date after this whole thing? I mean I’ve been meaning to ask for months, but we’re both so busy.”

 “No.” I knew why I was saying no and it was because I wanted to date him more than anything in the world. I’d been so obvious, trying the small things, but he just never picked up on them and I knew that if he really liked me he would have gauged it. So I knew deep down that I had to tell myself I didn’t really like him and that he was just my partner.

 “What?”

 “I said no, you’re only doing this because you pity me and I don’t want that. You’re so perfect, and I’ve honestly been telling myself for so long to just push the feelings I have for you aside because I’m me and you’re you. You’re also my partner and I don’t want there to be any weirdness when you realised that I’m not what you want because I love you so much platonically and then have a little crush on the side. So NO I won’t go on a date with you because; a I don’t think you mean it and b I’m not good enough.”

 “Don’t be ridiculous! If you like me too then why not take the leap? You’d let me pretend to be your boyfriend but not actually try it?”

 “Steve,” I was getting upset again, “you don’t have to lie okay. You’re so perfect and I’m this!” I signalled up and down to show off what a joke I am. “There is literally no one who could want me at this point in time.”

 “Well, no.” He retorted. “Stop saying that I’m perfect and that you’re pathetic and that no one likes you—because that’s a lie, I definitely like you. You’re so damn smart, you have 5 PHDs, you’re goddamn funny and you always bring me my favourite sandwich on my birthday. Then on Christmas you try and bake my favourite cake, cause you know I miss it and even though it doesn’t turn out right I appreciate it more than anything because you tried and it’s the little things. Oh and lets not forget the fact that you’re always helping me with things on my list. You make my life feel normal and you’re always remind me to keep trying to be a better person and I want that in my life constantly, not just when I’m at work.”

 There was a lump rising in my throat, “I-I don’t know what to say.”

 “I mean, saying yes to the date would be nice,” he laughed.

 “But you’ve literally just seen my dysfunctional family in action, how could you want me after that?”

 “Okay first of all, there is nothing wrong with your family! Second of all, I’m asking to go on a date with you and not your family.”

 “Oh jeeze here I was thinking you wanted to take mum out on a hot date.”

 “Seriously (Y/N), I want to try this.” He laced his fingers through mine.

 “Yeah?” I bit my lip. I really wasn’t sure if he was serious.

 “Yeah.” He nodded.

 “I mean then yeah I guess I could go on a date with you.”

 “That’s the most positive thing you’ve said all night.” He grinned.

 “I mean, I was crying two seconds ago.” The night had truly been a roller coaster and I guess I could thank my mum for one thing—making things so awkward that Steve Rogers asked me out on a date.

 “You know what?” He inched closer.

 “What?” I breathed—he was so close I could smell what was left of the cologne he’d put on 16 hours ago.

 “I was right when I said I knew you’d had a crush on me.”

 I sucked in a breathe before pushing him away “oh get out.” Of course he had to mention that.

 “Noooo,” he pulled me back in, “you don’t get away with it that easily.” Before I could register what was happening his lips were pressed against mine. For some strange reason the first thing I could think was that they were sweeter than I’d been expecting. I looped my hands around his neck, pulling him closer in the process. He flipped us around so that I was able to straddle him, somehow our moths stayed connected the whole time.

 There was so much urgency in the way we grabbed at each other—it was as if neither of us could get enough—close was not close enough. He let out a small moan as our bodies moved in sync. I didn’t mind the way his beard lightly scratched at my skin, the beard burn was worth it when it was Steve Rogers.

 His hands lay at the small of my back—his thumbs gently traced circles into my skin. “God you’re really good at this” I breathed against his mouth. “How much practice have you had?”

 “I practice on my hand.” He said, with the most serious face I’ve ever seen. The two of us stared at each other for about ten seconds before bursting out laughing.

 “It would seem that my funny side is rubbing off on you.” I snuck in a small peck.

 He raised an eyebrow, “I was being serious.”

[sage-nebula]

Okay, so I really will talk about this more when I actually write up the eighth and ninth posts of this liveblog, but I’m feeling really, really aggravated at a certain turn this story has taken right now, and so I have to get it off my chest. Because honestly, this is one of my least favorite things and I really have to gripe about how it has been inserted into a narrative that I was otherwise really enjoying before this point (like, really, it’s kind of ruining it for me a little bit, ngl). Putting this under a cut since it’s pretty major #spoilers for Seven’s route.

So the whole deal, as you know if you’ve either played this game or have been reading my posts, is that Seven is a secret agent for an intelligence agency on top of managing security for the RFA. Because the intelligence agency does very shady things, and because he has had to do horrible things, and because of all the other bullshit going on in his life right now (re: Saeran and V and all that), Seven is (more than a little understandably) going through a really rough time and keeps trying to push everyone away, including the MC, who has feelings for him since this is a dating sim and this is the path in which you pursue him. Seven feels that it’s too dangerous for him to get involved with anyone or have connections, and as such the idea of having someone close like that---however much he may like them---is exceptionally stressful for him and he just . . . can’t deal, at least at the moment.

The problem is, the narrative can’t allow that because this is a dating sim. So even though it’s more than understandable that Seven wants his space, even though he has every right in the world to end this relationship where it is, the narrative is still pushing the MC to go after him despite him repeatedly saying “no” and “we can’t do this” and “it’s impossible” over and over again. Even in the Good Ending answer choices, the MC is like “but what about my feelings” and “just let me understand you”, and putting aside the understanding him bit for a minute (because I have a gripe about that, too), I hate that, I hate it so much, because it’s like---

Obviously it’s not just restricted to Mystic Messenger. This is a trope we see time, and time, and time again, wherein one character (usually male) has a very troubled and tragic backstory and, because It’s Dangerous™, he feels the need to push everyone away. But another character (usually female) refuses to accept this, and even though he very truthfully explains to her that it is dangerous and he does not feel comfortable with her coming along for the ride, she continues to ignore him and railroad over those boundaries (feeling that ~it’s okay because she loves him~) until he finally breaks down and accepts her. This is treated as the girl ~melting his icy exterior~, when in actuality it’s the girl completely disregarding his consent, stomping all over his boundaries, and wearing him down until he says “yes”.

Do me a favor. Flip those genders. If it was a woman repeatedly telling a man that they could not be together, that she could not have a relationship with him, that it was too dangerous to be with her, that she didn’t feel comfortable putting him in danger, et cetera, would you feel okay with the man character consistently ignoring that, pushing and pushing, until the woman was finally worn down and gave in with a “do whatever you want”? Would you be okay with that? I really hope the answer is “no”, because even if it’s “well, but we normally don’t see that so the gender inversion is cool!” that’s not okay. Double standards are not okay. A person having their consent and boundaries violated time and again is not okay, regardless of the genders of the parties involved. It’s not okay to do this to guys just because ~they’re guys~ or because ~well the girl loves him~, because in scenarios where men relentlessly pursue women, I’m sure they’d say it’s because they love them, too. And however ~pure~ the female characters’ intentions are framed (often because works like this refuse to acknowledge that women could be anything but pure---it’s why they’re often presented in the right in scenarios like this, even if the scenarios themselves are not romantic), that doesn’t make it right, or okay, or acceptable. It’s gross and extremely bothersome, and I would never do that to someone . . .

. . . and yet, in this game, I’m forced to, and to a character I really love and do relate to, at that.

It kills me, because before it felt like we were really bonding, but now we’re not. And part of this comes down to the fact that this is a dating sim, and so the MC has to have a really generic and bland personality (in this case, Plucky Shoujo Heroine™) so that the average person can self-insert into her. The problem is, though . . . okay, there’s no way to phrase this without sounding like a douche, so I’m just going to say it: I’m not the average person. Like, it kills me, because there were multiple points (and I took screenshots of some of them) where I just would not realistically say either of the answer choices. And when Seven is going on about how “you’re so bright and warm and you could never possibly understand the real me” or “you could never understand, but there’s never been a day when I haven’t been depressed” --- like, BRUH! I just wanted to snap back, like, seriously? You think I don’t understand? Really? Boy, take a seat, because it’s time for you to feast your ears on some truth pops that I’m about to lay down on this table for you, straight up. Obviously our situations are not exactly the same---I’m not the bastard child of a wealthy politician, for one, nor was I manipulated into joining an intelligence agency, et cetera---but trust me, I’ve faced more than my fair share of abuse in childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood, so I definitely know where he’s coming from with that. I have diagnosed chronic severe depression, anxiety disorder, and C-PTSD, so yeah, I can relate there, too! And all of those jokes? Those lols we had in the chat? The playing around, the trolling? No, it wasn’t all a lie (from him, either---people are multi-faceted, Seven, that can be just as much of a part of you as this part of you is, and yes, it is possible to joke while being severely depressed at the same time, I would fucking know), but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own issues, either. That doesn’t mean that I don’t also feel severe depression. I mean, for fucksake, I’m supposed to be at therapy in like six hours, what the fuck do you think I’m so cheerful and bright and carefree for, huh? It’s honestly insulting.

And no, it’s not Seven’s fault, because the game can’t flesh out the MC because the MC has to be relatable to everyone. Never mind the fact that the MC, despite being told that she has to stay in Rika’s apartment because of The Party™, apparently didn’t have a job that she had to notify that she would no longer be showing up to. Never mind that she apparently never had family she had to tell where she was, or bills to pay, or a pet at home, or anything like that, like---you’d think that’d raise some alarm bells, that it would raise some questions that no one in RFA knows literally anything about this person that they’ve let into their group, other than the fact that she seems nice and wants to help with The Party™. And again, I know it’s because the MC has to be relatable to any random person to pick up the game, so she has to be bland and generic and her backstory literally does not matter since the game is not about her, but rather is about these characters---but my point here is that aside from the obvious narrative flaw of constructing a story like this (which is just a problem inherent in the genre, I know), she’s not relatable to me anymore. It was much easier to feel absorbed when I was able to be snarky and and whatnot, but now that the VNMs have her being a Plucky Shoujo Protagonist™ . . . that’s not me. That’s not me even a little. It’s especially not me when I’m having to pressure Seven into ~thinking about his feelings for me~ and refusing to back down when he says it’s dangerous and we need to stop because, for fucksake, I’m not saying I’d give up completely, but I’d want to have a real talk and I absolutely would not keep pushing the romance thing regardless of how I feel, because he has more than enough problems to be getting on with now, and me being a whiny bint doesn’t need to be one of them. I wouldn’t want someone pressuring me like that, so I hate that the game is forcing me to do it to Seven.

Anyway, this got long, and I’m supposed to be saving it for the actual playthroughs, but . . . man. Aside from the MC having long hair in all these images (I’m actually rather pale, so even though I like my chosen avatar’s darker skin, that doesn’t yank me out as much as the long hair does---why do things like this act like girls can’t be pretty unless they have long hair?), it just really breaks the immersion and is a definite turn-off for me. I hate this kind of set-up, the “I’ll keep pushing until I wear you down” set-up, and especially how it’s always so excused when it’s the girl chasing after the boy. I mean, one of the few things JKR did right when writing Harry and Ginny is that, when they had that talk at the end of HBP, Ginny did back down after Harry said that he cared that she would be in danger. Like, yeah, she said “what if I don’t care?” but when he said, “I care,” she listened to him and respected that and backed off until he was ready to give it another go. That’s good. That’s what you should do. Not this bullshit where “but what I want matters toooooo” because no, not really, not to the same degree. Yeah, you’ll be sad if you’re not together, but the difference is that he’s unhappy because you’re imposing yourself on him despite how anxious and uncomfortable he is. You’re unhappy because he’s leaving you alone. Forcing your company on someone who doesn’t want it is always going to be more wrong than someone walking away from a relationship that, for whatever reason, doesn’t make them happy at the moment. Your happiness is not more important than someone else’s well-being*, and someone terminating a relationship with you---regardless of the reason---is not wrong if that’s what they need to do to feel comfortable. I very, very strongly believe this.

(*And no, “but what about my well-being since I’ll be sad if we’re not together” is not a valid response here, so don’t even play. It’s nowhere near the same thing and you know it.)

So yeah, I’m still going to keep playing, and I’m still going to keep going for the right answers (another thing that breaks the immersion), but I’m really upset that the narrative took such a turn. I guess I should have seen that coming, too, but . . . yeah. It’s really uncomfortable.

Anyway, more on that tomorrow.

[lthu]

august 3 2017

I shouldn’t really be pushing my hands to do much work but either way if i write or type it’ll still hurt. not the point but i need to remember this when i am better (mentally)

all my life i’ve been writing about my depression and how it’s been inflicting me and amusing me simultaneously . there is so much to know about it, it’s not entirely the same for everyone. sure being “sad” is a straight forward synonym of depression but it really isn’t. i mean, i wish i was just sad from time to time because that’d be a hell of a lot easier than carry this stupid burden called depression. oh! and how can i forget about this..you get the whole package too. anxiety. anxiety is so broad too so broad. most anxieties might be common than others some might be rare..  i understand that much, i don’t think i fall into the category of rare anxiety but i’ve learn to understand most of my anxieties and i believe that is one of the hardest disorders to manage. ( i know i am wrong but i am talking about myself) i actually found out not too long ago that i was depressed since i was 13 years old. I actually had no clue until not too long ago. i had some of middle school friends come to my place i brought some notebooks we used share and write our thoughts i guess it was away to survive our awkward stage of life and stay close at the same time. they wrote so many funny things and when it came to me..i just wrote the most depressing shit in the world..i used words no 13 year old should really use (cant explain) but it was hella awkward they just said “wow you are dark” and what can i say? i said “yeah i still am, time hasn’t change me ha ha” but in my head i was like “wow i had depression and i had no clue what that was back then, now it makes so much sense” it really did actually, i felt like such a weird kid ( i liked and hated it) anyway i am 24 now i remember telling myself when i was 17 or 18 that i wouldn’t have depression once i turned 24 or 27 but i still do.. and i keep telling myself that i wont have it when i am 30. i know this is a lie but sometimes it feels good to believe. 

i’ve never been completely open about my depression until recently (i’ve seen some people come out and express to the public) ..and i guess that sort of encouraged me because it’s really nothing to be embarrassed about. ACTUALLY i’ve never been open about my medication until recently..actually like today i mean. i posted this photo on my instagram 

i had to think about it for awhile, i love this photo a lot because it explains everything that i am currently experiencing with having depression and anxiety.. and well taking medication for it. maybe someone found it too personal but it really isn’t. not anymore hah. i call it (no)rmal. i’d like to explain this further. 

I’ve been on medication for about a year an a half or perhaps 2 years..fucking time flies..i’m too oblivious of time. anyway same time i started seeking therapists both a psychologist and psychiatrist..it’s ok..i can talk about that later or another day ...that’s another whole fucking topic. 

i hate and love being medicated.

i’ve come to terms with this and i have accepted medication as an integral part of my life. ( i hope not permanently ) i’ve come to terms with what i can do and what i cannot do, when i can go to bed and when i cannot drive. it sucked at first..knowing that a little pill would have some authority in your life. i accept this i accept this.

i was so blinded by my changes when i started taking them. it took months for me to react to them. i changed i really did and i just noticed this. i was..normal............

and i didn’t even realize it! i thought i was better..functional.. i was able to talk to people in a banal matter, my life was just that, didn’t go further than that. yes, my moods improved but i don’t know how i feel about this. these changes.

(NO)RMAL

thats why i say no to normal. this wasn’t me this isn’t me. i think i am having a

it’s been about what? a year or a little less than a year that i’ve been experiencing this crisis. its a crisis that i face everyday and to go along with that my anxiety barges in so it gets really intense..but it’s not just any anxiety its..

so it’s a lot of layers of disorders and bullshit. how do i deal with them? i just stay quiet, ignore plans, hide, exchange a few typical boring words to co workers (for survival rly), draw, look at pics of dogs, relate to memes (oh i need to bring this up later) 

my security is to just stay quiet when i’m around people i don’t wanna talk to. i just instantly feel uncomfortable cos i’m in a personality crisis mode. it shuts me down. it cripples my speech. i get clumpsy. i get sweaty. i stutter. i forget english. i forget spanish. i’m oblivious. i have racing thoughts. i mean thats what 

is. Anyway because i am in this state i don’t know who i am, i am constantly trying to think and remember who i was, and when i do it was when i was deeply depressed. My depression did defined me back then and i did like it (and didn’t obviously) and i felt different definitely not normal. depression gave me the opportunity to think differently, it helped me with my poems and my art sometimes. it gave me so many strange thoughts that kept me questioning about life and myself, i believe it gave me some kind of wisdom. depression takes you to some really weird places.. mentally and physically. depression has also guided me to horrible horrible places. i wrote a letter to my depression early on a sunday morning, it was a bad morning

to sum up, briefly, what depression makes me feel when it hits me 10x stronger. somedays i am just numb. sometimes i miss my depression no matter how bad it got, i just felt like i was someone at the same time. i know this is no good..and that i must find “myself” a better “self” but how, i dont wanna be normal, i don’t wanna face things expectedly i don’t wanna have dull conversations. i wasn’t like this before, it was too different. 

anyway i am not depressed right now, i just had a moment of clarity earlier. i was thinking how i am not as open about my depression (only with my friends that are depressed or suffer from anxiety know because why not we are connected with this disease) so you gotta have  a

although we don’t talk about it like before anymore..before we use to just laugh about it laugh about our depression and how it mocks us..sometimes it wasn’t funny and one of us had to run away and just well..laugh alone.

depression is so common..why do we act as if it’s something to be embarrassed about or hide it? i know it aint easy but for me it did feel like that.. as if it’s an excuse to let your life be the way it is and it really shouldn’t be. right? but we have no control. i know i loose control almost all the time. 

my meds are helping me (sometimes) but theyre expected. i know ill fall asleep i know my mood might be neutral or balanced. not always but most of the time. 

& when i find depression, i find an old friend. 

[deathtotheangels]

Do all the uncomfortable asks please!

1. What is your middle name?

Elizabeth

2. How old are you?

23

3. When is your birthday?

May 17th

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Taurus

5. What is your favorite color?

Marsh green

6. What’s your lucky number?

17

7. Do you have any pets?

I have so many pets.

I have dogs, cats, and guiena pigs

8. Where are you from?

Rhode Island, but now I live in PA

9. How tall are you?

5’ 7”

10. What shoe size are you?

Size 10 1/2 men’s 👌🏼

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

About 4 pairs.

12. What was your last dream about?

Ayyye. No.

13. What talents do you have?

I can play a bunch of instrumentsz

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I can tell when shitty things are going to happen, but that’s probably anxiety.

15. Favorite song?

Right now it’s probably The Bluest Things On Earth by the Wonder Years

16. Favorite movie?

Avengers.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Emma.

18. Do you want children?

Sure. That’d be neat.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

No.

20. Are you religious?

No.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Many times.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Kind of? I’ve gotten a speeding ticket, a ticket for running a red light, and I’ve been threatened with being arrested three times by police officers.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

Yes I have. A bunch of band members from various bands.

24. Baths or showers?

Showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

None socks with left foot.

26. Have you ever been famous?

No.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Absolutely not.

28. What type of music do you like?

Pop punk til I die.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One, but Emma insists on putting their pillow underneath mine during the middle of the night.

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

Uncomfortably.

32. How big is your house?

I think it’s over 3500 sqaure feet.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Black iced coffee.

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Yes I have.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

Yes, not real archery but like, real fake archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

Buddy.

37. Favorite swear word?

Cunt.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Around 30ish hours.

39. Do you have any scars?

A whole bunch because I’m a clumsy bitch.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

I HAVE.

41. Are you a good liar?

I’d like to think so. But I don’t lie about anything big. Just stupid shit.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Oh boy. I don’t know?

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Yes. Really horrible English and Australian accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

Emma says I have a strong New England/New York accent. I think it only comes out when I’m angry and not paying attention.

45. What is your favorite accent?

Australian.

46. What is your personality type?

INTJ.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

Probably my work boots or my carhartt jacket.

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes.

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

An innie

50. Left or right handed?

Both!

51. Are you scared of spiders?

I’m fucking terrified of spiders but I will always be the one to “take care” of one.

52. Favorite food?

Sushi.

53. Favorite foreign food?

I had a really incredible apple drink in Germany. It was really fucking great.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

Both. I’m not supper messy. But I do like being neat and tidy.

55. Most used phrased?

What’s up my dude.

56. Most used word?

Fuck.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Anywhere from 5-15 minutes.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

Hahaha. No, I lost that years ago.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Who the fuck bites lollipops?

60. Do you talk to yourself?

Not usually.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

I sing in the shower sometimes.

62. Are you a good singer?

Oh fuck yeah.

63. Biggest Fear?

Right now? Probably my mom breaking into my house.

64. Are you a gossip?

Boy do I love some good gossip. But only true shit. I don’t have time to make stories up.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

Ratatouille.

66. Do you like long or short hair?

Short hair.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Yes? I can name them all, I probably can’t point every one out on the map though.

68. Favorite school subject?

History.

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Introvert who likes going out and being with one or two friends at a time.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

Kind of?

71. What makes you nervous?

Literally everything omg

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Nah buddy. I’m scared of what happens in the dark.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Oh shit yeah. All the time. It’s horrible.

74. Are you ticklish?

OH YES I AM.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

No.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Yes.

77. Have you ever drank underage?

All of the time when I was younger?

78. Have you ever done drugs?

Yeah? If you call the devils lettuce drugs.

79. Who was your first real crush?

My first girlfriend.

80. How many piercings do you have?

None.

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

Yes

82. How fast can you type?

Normal speed? Unless we’re talking about those old typing speed tests from primary school, then I can type over 120 words in 15-20 seconds on a desktop.

83. How fast can you run?

Pretty fast?

84. What color is your hair?

Blonde.

85. What color is your eyes?

Blue/grey.

86. What are you allergic to?

Bees and misogyny.

87. Do you keep a journal?

Not exactly. I have to start writing for a trauma group I’m in but I’m nervous and procrastinating on it.

88. What do your parents do?

My dad is an electrical engineer and my mother lies and manipulated everyone.

89. Do you like your age?

Sure? I mean. I’m too young to have a career and too old to do fun stuff. It’s great. It’s the most uncomfortable weird age.

90. What makes you angry?

When my shoes get wet and my socks get damp, when people drive like idiots, when people hurt Emma’s feelings, when people talk shit about me.

91. Do you like your own name?

Kind of. I love my nick names.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

Yes but I don’t like them anymore.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

I don’t care? There are more genders than that? Whatever gender they are???

94. What are you strengths?

I can work under a lot of pressure, I can diffuse a lot of stressful situations, I can always make someone laugh.

95. What are your weaknesses?

I cry when I get overwhelmed, I’m stubborn, I will never say no, I will do anything for anyone.

96. How did you get your name?

My parents gave it to me.

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

No, but I have a great grandfather who was a mayor of a town in Germany before the War.

98. Do you have any scars?

Yes? I thought I answered this already. Im a dumb clumsy bitch.

99. Color of your bedspread?

Right now I think it cream colored, but I really want those dog flannel sheets from Walmart.

100. Color of your room?

Taupe. A gross oatmeal color. I want to change it. I was looking at paint swayed today.

Thanks Em for asking! These were pretty fun!

[sirens-gemberry]

You’ve Unlocked a Cutscene from “Soren Ren-egade Sharp”!

Continue?

>Yes

No

Warnings are for the following: Suicidal Thoughts, Alcoholism, Arguments, Self harm Implications, Intrusive Thoughts and general mental breakdowns.

‘Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear…’

As I listen to the forlorn tune, I sigh, sitting up in bed. My headphones fall off from my head, before tumbling to the floor with a soft clatter. I reach to grab them again, but Immediately I cough, and I fall back down into the plush feel of my pillow.

“Damnit.”

Slowly setting myself on getting back up and hoisting myself out of bed, I speculate to myself. How many hours have I been laying there? Gods, How much time have I wasted today doing nothing? Not to mention how much extra time my sister had to spend doing my chores. After all, being a rancher didn't come naturally to her like it did for me. Sure, she could manage, but handling the animals took her a lot more time usually since she's a natural crop harvester.

Being sick sucked- especially when you got accustomed to working everyday on the farm. From the asscracks of dawn, till the moon shone overhead…Guess one could say I was a little restless, being left all alone with my thoughts.

Especially some very unnecessary, very unwarranted thoughts. Damned demons never seemed to get out of my head long enough for me to think rationally. I don't even remember where they started, or what caused them, but now I found myself in an uncomfortable loop of self-destruction. For years now, maybe. All I knew was that if I smiled, no matter how fake it was- people wouldn't care to ask. I didn't care to explain. After all, that'd just make me weak… Weak and worthless, like I've come to hear for practically all of my life.

‘Ugh.’

I stretch a bit, listening to various joints pop and crack in dismay. Damn, I really needed to take a break on occasion, working so hard was killing me.

‘Good. Maybe then you wouldn’t be such a bother.’

I huff, then shook the thoughts away just as immediately as it came on. Being alone was going to drive me absolutely insane, fucking hell. I needed to calm down before it worked me up.

Calming, for me however, was less conventional or healthy than one might think.

I walk over towards the door, and Reaching through the bin beside it, I pull out a bottle, hard scotch. Not a healthy habit, that's for sure- but it jumbled my thoughts enough to keep me from tumbling off the cliffside like a human pinball.

There were a few moments where I was struggling with the cap, though, as I wasn't the strongest physically- especially not when I'm this sick. I eventually simply huff and strike the head against my bedside table- smashing it open. I didn't have the patience, nor enough shits given about sharp edges, to be concerned with how it’s opened. I stare for a few moments into the bottle, wondering how much of it it would take before I’d pass out from alcohol poisoning yet again, before quickly throwing my head back and downing a good portion of it in a couple of large gulps- before the pain of a cut on my lower lip drew me from my haze.

Immediately I flinch, setting the bottle aside with a sigh, walking over to inspect my face in the mirror. Sure enough, blood drips from a relatively small wound at that source.

“Ahh that’ll be a bitch to heal. Fuck.” I mutter to myself, pausing only momentarily before drinking through the rest of the bottle. If only to scramble my head for a little while, until I can get some decent rest without tossing and turning for hours. I could focus on the burn of the alcohol, until I fell asleep… it seemed like a good enough plan.

Once I find it empty, I sigh and stare in the mirror, the bottle falling from my hand before clattering to the floor as well.

Thinking back on it- As far as I know, I've been like this ever since I had worked at Joja company… Everything about them was toxic, so very… very toxic… Even when I quit to work with my sister, those days still lingered just in the back of my mind. The things they said, the things they did… I wish I had said anything to anyone- but not even my sister knew what had happened there. No one did, just like no one knew just how bad my headspace was- how close I was getting to the brink of self destruction.

I just want to make sure it stays that way.

I stood there, staring out the window at the moon, and wallowing in my thoughts for a few minutes. Before long, I found myself desiring to get some more rest. Sometimes I got too much, sometimes too little. It was a constant guessing game, with my sleeping patterns. I laid down in bed once again nonetheless, letting the alcohol drive through my system in the hopes to just give me some sort of peace of mind from my depressive thoughts, when I hear a knock on the door. Ah, fuck.

“Yasmine?” I sit up, raising an eyebrow, swinging my legs back over the bed before heading over to the door.

“Who else?” My sister’s rough laugh was muffled slightly by the door, as I force myself to not roll my tired eyes.

“Bandit’s mayb-” Upon opening it I damn well near choke. Mind you, my sister was a reckless little shit- but I've never seen her look so beat up before, with cuts and scratches littering her body. Some of her clothes were torn from fighting, showing bruises underneath. There was blood dripping from a wound in her forehead.

“Holy shit!” I almost puke, if only out of horror. But I bite that back if for her sake and quickly drag her inside. I’m kind of thankful I was so busy during my youth, using past scouting skills to quick patch her up. I usually did this for her, before Harvey- her boyfriend- would arrive. She hated seeing him fret over her so much. Even if it was for her own good… It always left me at a loss of what I should really do.

But hey, We all had our unhealthy habits. One of mine was drinking, hers was reckless fighting. She had half a grin as I sat her down on my bed before reaching over into the drawers for supplies. Being that she was reckless, and me being suicidal, it was always good to keep a semblance of a first aid kit on hand.

As I clean off all the blood from her arms and stomach, I sigh.

“What the hell happened to you?” I ask, trying to keep my head away from her direct vision. She’s bound to notice my split lip- not to even mention how I was starting to smell of the booze I had drank prior to her visit.

But, Sure enough, she sat up with squinted eyes. Here we go.

“What the hell happened to you, you sound like you're drunk-- again!” She pointed out, to which I remain quiet. I wasn't about to lie but… Ugh, what the hell was wrong with me?

“What the hell, Ren, you said you were going to stop!” My sister drives me back out of my thoughts, to which I laugh a bit and sigh. One thing that I forgot to mention; was I had recently told my sister how things would change. Especially since the last time landed me in the clinic. But...so much happened since then, and that was within the span of the year. It was tiring...yet I knew that wasn’t much of an excuse.

“I know.” That's all I really can say, “I know.”

She just gives me this solid look of either disappointment or budding anger. I can't quite tell as I work through wrapping gauze around her torso. I sigh softly, letting a dull silence fall over for a few minutes as I focused on the task.

“You know, you really ought to quit fighting monsters like this. It's going to get you killed one of these days.” I eventually utter, sitting back a bit to look at the other injuries...they were so bad..

“And?” She shrugs a bit, “I don't care if it gets me killed.”

I bite at my lower lip, closing my eyes. She's always been like this…

“Other people do though.” I manage to mutter, “I care, Harvey cares, Sebastian and Abigail… we all care about you. If you just spoke up, I’m sure-”

“Oh, like how you ‘speak up’ about your alcoholism? Like how you speak up about how you're so depressed you can hardly even get out of bed most days?” Yasmine glared at me, as I stared at the floor. I really should've saw that clapback coming to bite my ass. Still, I take a breath and shake my head.

“...This isn't about me.” I firmly state.

“How you speak up about how these thoughts get to you so easily, your arm is scarred up from here to timbuktu!” She continued, holding up my arm as if in emphasis. I didn't look to my arm, nor did I look to meet her gaze, unable to find a response to the accurate claims. I knew my self harm was bad, hell- up to the indentation of where my arm bends there's some scars there, but... I sigh, leveling myself with a slight grit of my teeth.

‘Easy, now.’ I told myself, ‘Remember who you’re doing this for.’

I look back up with an expressionless look, before speaking up again.

“Look, I’m saying this because I don’t want to lose you. I’m saying this not just as your coworker, not just as your friend- but as your goddamn family. You. Need. Help.” I reaffirmed. Probably not the most comforting way to say it, but to be fair- Social things were never my thing. Plus, she never took things lightly, so I needed her to understand… But, Even if I wanted to, I’d probably have flunked psychology if I had taken it growing up.

Sure enough, the glare she gave me moments afterwards would’ve likely set me on fire if it was able to. Ahh fuck, here we go-

“You, of all people, are telling me to get help?” She asked in frustrated disbelief, “You can’t even get yourself help, Ren, so why are you-”

“I already told you, going to get help never really worked for me, okay!?” I interrupted, hands clenched into fists in my lap, looking down to them and looking to the various scars along my arms. Sparks of frustration were igniting under the surface of my skin, awful horrible thoughts that would normally have been number seething through.

“And I already told you, that you’ve hardly tried! We’ve been here for two years and in those two years, I’ve never seen you try and change who you were-”

“I’m not changing myself for the sake of other people, unlike you! I’m not endangering my own ass every fucking other day, just to grab some attention of some doctor despite never going to a doctor in fifteen fucking years!” I exclaim, the side of my fist slamming into the wall nearby for a swift moment. It took a moment or so for the pain to set in. That’ll definitely bruise.

What followed was a long pause of silence as what I said sits through us both, and once I fully process what I said I pale a bit, looking up. I...definitely messed up now. Ohhh boy, that definitely wasn’t a good thing to say-

“...Look, I’m sorry-” I go to say, but she immediately just gets up and walks to the door. I get up and follow in tow.

“Yasmine, slow down! You’ve gotta be careful or those bandages are going to come undone!” I call after her, pain slowly twisting through my stomach, the very familiar feeling still causing me to slow a bit to catch my breath. After a moment though, I ran to catch up with her, even as she basically slams the door in my face. I quickly open it before she could lock me out. She glares at me silently, striding across before I motion for her to sit at the dining table. She rolls her eyes, but compiles, if only because she knew I’d continue to bother her until she does. I close the door behind me, with a soft sigh, striding to get the first aid kit I kept in here as well. I might as well at least try to apologize, though...

“I’m really sorry, I don’t know where that came from-” I go to say, but am swiftly interrupted. Something I likely should have expected.

“You really think I’m the one trying to hog all of the attention? If anything, I’ve been trying to hide in the fucking background my whole life!” Yasmine turns to wheel on me, and I sigh, biting my tongue. Okay, I deserved that. I don’t even get a word in edgewise before she continues, getting up to face me.

“I moved here to Pelican town to be someone different than who I used to be- than who we BOTH used to be.” Yasmine gestured to me, “Even if that meant stepping away from just- as you’d put it- ‘an extra in this stage play’! It’s time that you need to, too!”

“I’ve…” I falter in my words, “I am different than who I used to be. I’m more responsible, more...slightly in shape.” I add, turning my back to her, exhaling harshly as words finally form in my minds eye.

“Besides...how can you come out of the fucking shadows if you’re FUCKING DEAD!” I turn back to her, pointing to her with a look of annoyance in my eyes. Even I felt the burning sensation of anger just at the back of my mind. She was being ridiculous, getting on my case when she’s much worse off than I am! Yasmine huffs, crossing her arms over her chest- abiet a slight flinch which I could only imagine was from one of the injuries- and looking me dead in the eyes before responding.

“I mean, Considering I’m friends with a good..” She pauses, as if trying to do the math on her hands for a brief moment before continuing, “Ninety….eight...percent of the town,  I think compared to you, I’ve already come out of the shadows.” I could tell she was at least trying to let her anger go, but was also...struggling. Very much so. Considering this was even pissing me off at this point, I wasn’t shocked.

“The only reason I look like THIS-” She gestures to herself, to which I roll my eyes at, “-is because a level in the mine had more monsters than usual and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it!”

Immediately, I butted in before she could go on another tangent.

“You shouldn’t be in the mines in the first place if there’s that many fucking monsters! You didn’t need to fight them- you could’ve just- Ohhh I don’t know- LEFT!” I burst out with, making various wild gestures as I done so, “We’re already fine as it is for at least a little while concerning ores and gems and such! We! Don’t need! To throw ourselves into danger at willy fucking nilly!”

The more I spoke, the more I felt myself getting even more worked up, whirling around to pace back and forth across the kitchen floor. Even if I wanted to, I just kept spewing whatever came to mind.

“I don’t understand why you can’t just get that we don’t want you getting hurt all the fucking time! I get it, you want to look tough, or you don’t care about your own death- But for fucks sake-” Angry tears begin to spring from my eyes, and it takes all of me to force myself to not do so, “-I do! You’re my sister and you mean the fucking WORLD to me and seeing you risk your life so often terrifies the shit out of me! Why can’t you just understand that, why can’t you just-”

My throat and chest simultaneously seize up, and I have to stop short from my spiel to double over myself, taking a shuddering gasp in attempts to collect myself- even while rubbing away the streaks of tears running down my cheek and off my chin. I had to breathe, I was going to cause more pain to myself if I didn't try to at least steady myself.

I couldn’t understand just how she could be so reckless, knowing there were people who knew her- who cared about her. Maybe it’s something I’ll never personally understand. That won't stop me from trying to, though, or trying to help her.

My ragged breathing was soon interrupted by my sister, though, as the tension proceeded to spike through the roof.

“I’m sorry?” Yasmine spoke up a moment later, drawing me out of my thoughts, and I found myself quickly being cornered as she approached.

“You’re telling me I’m reckless, when you’re literally doing the equivalent of stabbing yourself in the liver every other goddamn night! Every time your thoughts go awry, you try and escape that because you don’t want to even face who you are, and that you need help!” She pokes at my collar bone as she speaks, as if to make a point.

I shake my head, denying it like a pestering fly buzzing in my ear. I knew she was right, but gods. That’s something I didn’t want to admit to. Something I couldn't admit to, even. I had to remain in control of the argument. I had to.

“I am PERFECTLY healthy, unlike you! When’s the last time you’ve actually gotten yourself checked up on by a doctor you DON’T have a crush on or are dating?! You act all high and mighty all the fucking time, when you’re literally constantly standing on the precipice of death every single goddamn day! How do you expect Harvey to ever fucking trust you if you can’t even keep yourself safe for more than a fucking day?!” I retort, wiping away more tears in my eyes.

“Well how the hell do you expect Abigail to ever notice you if you don’t do anything! How do you expect Shane to trust you with more than what’s obvious-” She prodded my collar bone again, as if to prove a further point, “If you aren’t even honest to yourself about your feelings!”

To that, I have nothing to say. I know she's right about so much, but this wasn’t...none of this was about me. It’s about her, and her suicidal mining conquests. I just have to keep telling myself that. Despite this, even if I tried, I couldn’t conjure any other argument that could pass through. I couldn't find the will to even do so.

“...I..well...” Shit. I look away quickly, almost overwhelmed with this pain surging through my chest, and hiding my face briefly before I could start crying. I just had to focus, just settle down before things got any worse-

What followed that train of thought, was a knock on the door. 

Which simultaneously terrified and snapped me from my thoughts that had instantly overtook my head. Looks like it did similar to Yasmine, as when I looked to her she had paled a bit before regaining composure just enough to nudge me towards the door. I was just about to, before I realized.

Wait. Why did I have to answer it?! I glare at her and drag her over as well. For a few moments it went on like this with both of us nudging each other and silently arguing of who should answer the goddamn door. Eventually, I gave, if only because I didn't want her snapping out at whoever could be here at such an hour. Sighing and shooing her to back up a bit, I look away before wiping at my eyes to make sure I wasn’t still crying. I open the door just a small fraction, peering out. Although it takes a moment for my vision to focus and adjust to the slightly darker environment outside, I almost instantly recognize both forms standing out on the porch. Shane, and Harvey, both standing with concerned looks and nervous body language.

Uhhh

Shit.

Did. Did they hear any of that?

It takes all of five seconds for my brain to go into a full blown panic, as my eyes widen. If they had heard that, they could know everything…  About my sister’s anger issues and my suicidal ones.. I couldn't talk about this, not with either of them. So, of course, in my distress I do the first thing to come to mind.

“Uhh. We don’t want any-!” And with that, attempt to quickly close the door. I honestly should’ve expected that that wouldn’t quite stop them. Shane quickly butt in, grabbing the door with one hand and sticking his foot in just in case I pulled it too hard and out of his grip. I never said I was a smart person.

“Well hello there-” I said quietly, face flushed only for a second before I heard the familiar sound of the window opening, cutting off any excuse I could’ve mustered as I figured out what was happening. Fucking-

“YASMINE!” I beelined inside to the window she was trying to escape from, grabbing her around the waist, “YOU ARE N O T LEAVING ME ALONE IN THIS CABIN.”

So at some point, she must have noticed Harvey was there and was mildly worried about him seeing the injuries she acquired from the days events. At least, that’s what I hoped was the ordeal, as I kept a firm grip on her sides. She struggles nonetheless against my grip, shaking her head.

“NAH MAN, I’LL PASS.” She exclaimed in response, to which I growled and tugged even harder.

“GET….IN…..THE! CABIN!!!” I shriek through gritted teeth, which finally dislodged her- and probably deafened her in the process- and causing me to fall back right onto the floor with my sister on top of me. Wouldn't be the first, nor likely the last time I've been a basic cushion for others. Still hurt like a bitch, though, augh.

As I sat up a bit, trying to get my sister to move, I noticed that the entire time, the two men had been watching with even more concern. Both seemingly deciding not to butt in as if they had been unsure of the consequences in doing so. I watch and listen to Harvey as he quietly snuck around to close the window as we both were taking a moment to reorient after falling over in a giant heap like two glorified gridball players.

Upon detangling myself free from Yasmine and the annoying amount of limbs, we remained seated on the floor with Shane, and Harvey joining us both moments later. Silence stretches over the span of what felt like hours. However, one look at the clock by the window showed only 8 or so minutes have passed. I don’t even need to look up from the floor to know that there's tense stares mixed with a sense of confusion and concern hanging around the air. I listened faintly, to the clock ticking away from somewhere else in the cabin, working up whatever nerve I had to try and salvage the situation.

When I eventually work through my anxiety to look up, between the small group congregated in the floor of... my sister’s….cabin…. Jeez, you really can’t write this stuff- Anyway. I digress, through watching the tension only rise with each passing moment of silence, the more my chest feels like it’s constricting on me. I swallow roughly, taking a steadying breath. I didn’t have much choice in the matter, as Yasmine would snap… and someone had to break the silence before it broke one of us.

‘It’s all in your head.’ I remind myself, before giving a sheepish grin.

“So, uh...Did you guys really want anything?” I asked, wringing my hands into the hem of my sweater if only to keep my hands busy. Damn nervous habits. Yasmine notices the game I’m playing, and smiles as well to play along.

‘Well, if it’s one thing we agree on, it’s getting our asses out of trouble…which is definitely something I can sense on the...the oncoming horizon.’ I joke internally. It’s not very funny, though, and as a result I have to hide the cringe on my face moments later.

Neither seem to respond for a moment- Harvey having been busy gaping and internally speculating patching up what I couldn’t of Yasmine’s wounds, before snapping out of it as he speaks up.

“Oh! Well, Uh, Your sister mentioned that you had gotten sick from the rain-” Of course she fucking did. Cue me shooting a solid glare at said sister, “-so I had decided to stop by and make sure you were alright! Uh, is...everything alright?”

He looked back between us both as I was still glaring holes straight into Yasmine’s skull, but I quickly brought back the facade I knew to hold to well. Between high school, and getting through the internship at Joja, I had learned to hold a pretty smiling mask well.

However, I knew there was weight with the way he said those last words, but I wasn't about to mention anything on it. A fake smile and a laugh follows, and I nod.

“Yeah, besides the usual coughing and sneezing fits, I’ve been fine. Yasmine insisted I rest for the day anyway, so I..CLEARLY…” I speak this last part increasingly slowly as I slowly glare her way, keeping my tone firm, “...was unable to stop her from going adventuring in the mines again.”

I had to suppress a slight smirk at the instantaneous reaction of her whipping her head my way and glaring absolute fire into me. Ahh, bitter & petty satisfaction, how I’ve come to cherish it.

I’d most certainly get my ass kicked later once the boys had left, but the silent victory still relaxed me a bit. Of course though, that was short lived, as when the two looked away briefly to share a look, so did Yasmine.

...And the following shit eating, furious grin she wore for a momentary second said all I needed to know. Ohhh that bitch-

‘You wouldn’t.’ I mouthed to her, to which she didn’t respond at all, besides a half of a shrug. And, sure enough, when they both looked over, we both had returned to our faux smiles.

‘I swear to whatever god may be out there, if she says anything…’ I couldn’t help but think, as I listen to what Harvey says next.

“Well, I mean...are you okay, Yasmine? Looks like someone patched you up.” Harvey asked, and I rose my hand with a nod, hoping to intervene before she says anything.

“Ah, yeah, I handled some of the worst wounds when she came back. Which, actually, wasn’t...too long before you guys showed up.” I added with a nervous chuckle, bashful at admitting I had some semblance of first-aid training. I rub the back of my neck, expecting the conversation to continue, however, as I opened my eyes again after giggling, I look to my sister.

The whole time, Yasmine continued smiling, never even faltering as she spoke up.

“Which, honestly, surprised me considering this one is still drunk off their ass from downing a whole bottle of scotch while sick.”

‘Oh Fuck me, honestly-’

I shoot her the nastiest look I could muster as she giggled almost innocently, but the anger in her eyes was very much readable even by my standards. Well Shit, We both just basically threw each other under the bus for a scolding. Still, I couldn’t meet either of their gazes after she said that- I just...was not emotionally resolved enough for that. I’d break, and that was something neither of them needed today. Or ever. So, before either could pipe in, I quickly get to my feet- intent on changing the subject.

“Well, I’m hungry! Anyone want some snacks? I think I’ll go make some snacks-” I laugh again, this time definitely not as confident as I was prior- hell, my voice was shaking even as I spoke- as I try to quickly abscond to the kitchen. Before I could quickly escape the situation though, I flinched when I heard Shane get up, before he put a hand on my shoulder. Time froze, if for a brief moment, as there was a small pause of hesitation, before he spoke up.

“...Look, I can sense the tension almost a mile away. Something’s wrong with both of you... you don’t need to hide that.” He said, looking between me and my sister. I couldn’t find a response, momentarily in shock. There was just this sense of panic, growing further in my chest. This conversation was not about to go over very well. I needed to do something, fast. They had to leave before this illness damn well consumed me.

I quickly pull myself away from him and pull Harvey to his feet, before I started to push them towards the door.

“Okay, look, you know what, it’s late and I think both me and my sister need to go to bed.” I said firmly, trying to stop the shaking in my voice with little success, “We have a lot of work to do tomorrow, sick or otherwise.”

I ignore the protests between Shane, and by then Harvey as well, and look back towards my sister. Yasmine nods, her expression faltering to something bordering on empty for a solid few moments before she shakes herself out of it.

“Ah, yeah...We should get our rest.” Yasmine agreed, getting up to follow the rest of us to the door.

The more I shepeard the protesting duo to the door, the tighter this feeling grows until I nearly choke on my own breath. All I could hear was the looping, the goddamn looping of voices.

‘They couldn’t know- They CAN’T know. I couldn't let them, they’d both hate me for being such a pain in the ass to everyone around me. They might tell everyone and then they’d all hate me too. They’d abandon me, like everyone else does, they’d- ‘

“...Ren?”

I’m snapped out of me trying to focus on what I was doing, to look up in confusion, before I realize that my face is warm, and wet. I was...crying? When did I start crying?!

I feel my heart nearly stop, and my blood runs cold. Panic growing tenfold, I came to realize what state I was in. Before I could even answer, I acted without even thinking- quickly pushing the two out and slamming the door. There's a small stretch of silence, my hands still pressed firmly against the door, where my brain tries to process what the hell just happened, what they both could know about who I really was.

Who I...really…

...Was..

Oh fuck.

Once it clicks in my head that those two definitely figured out what’s going on, to some extent, I put my hands over my mouth almost instantly to suppress the sudden choking screech that bubbles from my throat. No, No, this wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go- no one else was supposed to know! If they know, they could- they might-

My back pressed firmly against the door as I try to steady myself, knowing it’s likely no use at this point as my brain goes into an absolute meltdown, overwhelming amounts of distress rolling from my chest in waves.

“Oh….oh no. Ohhh my god-” I barely manage to speak at all between any of this, and even so it’s nothing very comprehensible. I’m not given much warning of how weak I was feeling before then, and my legs buckle before I fell into a sitting position, moving my hands away from my mouth to try and comb my hands through the tangled mass of blue hair. It was like everything suddenly felt too warm in the room to deal with, trying to take breaths to ease the burn in my chest.

I try blinking away the tears starting to trail down the sides of my cheeks, to gain my bearings of everything around me- but my vision was all a jumbled loss of focus and comprehension, and I couldn’t move away from the door even if I really wanted to. I slowly draw my hands back away from my head, and I can see the trembling that has started from the tips of my fingers and all the way down my arms. I had to steady myself.

I put both hands to my chest, seeking the quickened pulse underneath which rang through my ears, trying with everything I had to focus on calming down through easing my breathing- to no avail. ‘Breathe, breathe, you’ve just gotta breathe.’ But as time grew on and my panic got even worse, I found I couldn’t even stop my erratic breathing patterns. ‘You’ve done this before, you just need to calm down!’ It almost felt like I was dying, but I could do nothing to stop it. A train without its breaks, even. Every time I tried, it just got worse, and worse...I needed to do something about it. I needed help, I needed my sister.

I quickly look up, and around, frantically looking for my sister- only just in time to see her slide out the window and vanish into the nights air. Wind slammed back into my face, making me shiver at the contact. But I couldn’t think anything about that with one repeating phrase in my head.

‘Did she seriously just-?!’ She did. She had left me completely alone with these thoughts of mine, unable to even work up the energy to move, let alone think clearly. Through all of this, I could only think of this driving fear- that I could very well die here and no one would even notice until the following morning. That the same person who I found my heart devoted to would know about how much of a mess I really am, and they wouldn’t talk to me anymore… That Harvey could call my parents, they’d find out- they already hate me enough, what if they hated me even more after this-!

At this point I had burrowed my head to hide away, curled away into a small ball piled against the door as I began hiccuping and trying to prevent myself from crying, and completely falling apart. Of course that wasn’t going to quite work either, so I could only manage to wipe away the wetness off my face and into my arm. Everything in the air just felt suffocating, and my chest burned with the struggle of trying to get my breathing to even out. I couldn’t even hear myself think clearly enough to keep control of my thoughts anymore, just this loud ringing and echoes of past thoughts and memories trying to resurface to the forefront of my mind. What everyone said, what everyone did- and all the blaming, blaming, blaming I received until I just learned to just take it before I was pinned with it anyway.  

I ended up snapping out of these memories briefly when I felt a set of hands grab at my shoulders, bringing me quickly back to reality. For a moment, I couldn’t hear anything as the thoughts scattered about in my minds eye, but the haze quickly died down enough to make out that it was Harvey and Shane yelling my name, trying to get me to respond to either of them. My face was warm still but instantly started to cool when I had looked up with wide, surely terrified eyes. The tears had stopped dead in their tracks, and when I looked around I noticed the window was still open. Of course, thanks Yasmine. My breath caught in my throat.

Neither of them could see me like this! It’s bad enough as it is that they probably knew about the argument with Yasmine, but if they knew how right she was...how much of a fucking mess I am...I wouldn’t forgive myself. I couldn’t forgive myself.

I hastily shove myself onto my feet, my head staggering for a moment to quickly process the situation- before basically knocking the door behind me open and darting out of the house. The haze had settled back in, every noise I heard muffled just by this ringing in my ears. I heaved in pain from running while having the equivalent of what was the third panic attack of the evening. I swore I heard one of them call back out to me, that was promptly ignored as I ran back towards my cabin, slamming the door behind me and locking it tight. I couldn’t do this, not now. I basically stumbled to the window to lock that too, just in case. But at that point, the fear-induced adrenaline I had been feeling ebbed down. And that's when everything fell absolutely apart. After locking the window, I gave a shuddering and shaking sigh as I toppled down onto my knees, the equivalent of lead keeping me from getting up.

Why did this have to happen today of all days?

Why did my shell have to crack? I could’ve held out, I could’ve...then neither of them would have to worry. Neither of them would be concerned and they’d take care of my sister and everything would’ve been fine! I knew I could’ve done better!

My thoughts continue swirling around my head, series of ‘what if’s’ and ‘would've’ causing me to fall apart all over again. I couldn't handle it- everything today was too much. Between being sick and being forced to not work at all that day, to my sister being too goddamn stubborn, to Harvey and Shane finding out, I just couldn't deal with this throbbing pain in my heart anymore. It hurt, so fucking much and it was about to tear me apart.

A shuddering sob wracks through my body, as I cover my face to try and hide everything from the world outside the cabin. Each breath I struggle to take ends up shaking as I wail and shake my head. None of this should be happening, none of this should be even real, right now, but it is and... that's what hurt the most. Useless thoughts, all blatant reminders about how much I’m hated; how I deserved all of this, and even more, and how I should’ve just ended it all when I was still living with them rang through my ears. The whole time, I kept wondering… ‘Couldn't I have done any better to hide this?’

It was dark, and I couldn't quite see the clock. It could've been minutes, or even an hour, before I’m shaken out of my constant looping thought process by a thud on the door. Fuck. I should've figured they would've eventually tried to get inside.

My eyes widen, slowly managing to get to my feet- shaky as I was. I slowly reach towards the window, ready to bee line it out. But, sure enough, the door gives in on the second time it thuds, and I hear the lock snap into itself, Shane nearly stumbling inside. Fuck, of course.

“Ren-!” Nope, I’m too busy climbing out the window- or attempting to anyway- to listen to whatever he had to say. Unfortunately, my... wide set body type made that more difficult than I’d ever willingly admit, and my hands were trembling as it was beyond belief, so eventually I was grabbed at my the shoulders and yanked back down onto the floor, knocking Shane over in the process at the lack of resistance from being too focused on getting out to focus on remaining balanced.

Someone explain how this keeps happening tonight?! He recovered quickly though, keeping a firm grip on both of my arms as he sat me up so I wouldn't move. I couldn't meet his eyes though, an overwhelming sense of doom casting its shadow over my already weary state.

“Let me go-!” I protest against him, trying to break free from his grip. Tears were beginning to streak my cheeks once again, and I didn't want him to see. He couldn't see how broken I was, he’d hate me just as much as I did- as much as I do.

He wasn't letting go though, and the more I struggled, the more the oncoming sense of exhaustion began settling in. Gods. I was so tired.

Tired of fighting only to get hurt again, Tired of being alone with these thoughts, tired of my brain being broken beyond repair.

I just wanted to be heard… I just wanted to stop being so selfish, but I wanted to be loved; and love in return. I wanted to be happy, but gods I knew it wasn't something I deserved- and it was just so hard...

Gradually, any fight I had in me to try and escape died out into just… this familiar sense of hopelessness. A feeling I’ve come in contact with far too many times.

When Shane had noticed I stopped struggling so much, his grip loosened on my arms, only to sigh and look to me.

“...It's okay, you know. I’m here for you.” He said, in a quiet tone I've almost never heard from him.

“I can't… I..” I could barely speak, cupping a hand over my mouth to try and muffle a soft sob, “I can't let you see me like this..”

“Shh.” Shane let go of my one arm, attempting to smooth back the ruffled mass of hair away from my eyes, “You’ll just work yourself up again. Look, you’re…”

He seemed hesitant to speak, as if worried anything he’d say would break me, “...You’re safe here.”

That left me speechless. Sure, Me and him had always been close, but he still always had at least made some effort to push me away considering he had just as much on his plate as I did. Clearly he seemed shocked he said anything, as well, judging from his wide-eyed expression. After a moment though, he shook himself out of it, and sighed, seeing I was still frozen from shock and equal panic. Before I could manage to finally speak again, to try and push him away again, I was tugged closer in a heartbeat- which I heard against my ear after I was pulled flush against him, arms wound tight around me.

‘Uh???’

My brain was doing the damn equivalent of the windows error noise. What the fuck??? What?? The fuck!!! It wasn’t like I didn’t want this- quite the opposite but just. My brain was having serious processing issues right then.

After my brain basically flipped it’s actual shit, everything else more or less just...fell apart, with this seemingly endless ache that echoed through my heart. I can’t even quite remember now, how I had fallen apart so quickly after that. But I knew as much, how honest he was being. He...wasn’t the affectionate type, as far as I knew. Before I moved in with my sister, and even for months after, he...was always the more closed off type. As I persisted, he slowly began showing those sides of himself he wouldn’t rather show anyone else. I wish I was that brave, but...I’m not. I’m really not.

Yet, despite this, through the dulled silence in my head, I nearly choked through an empty sob. I wanted to say so, so much. About how everytime I told Yasmine about everything, she just suggested I get help- that I needed to grow a tougher skin. Of course, I knew she was right, but that...that never changed how I felt. It never changed what I really wanted. I guess the thought of someone just...being there, not judging because they understood already...kind’ve just was something I didn’t think was realistic- with the people I grew up around. All of them people who, even with depression, more or less jokes about how they felt instead of taking it more seriously. As a result, I grew to be that person who IS there for others, for that reason. It was mentally taxing, sure… But it was something I loved to do.

So, being in this situation...my entire being was just...loosing all rational function when all that could come to my head was how this was...real. I wasn’t having some twisted nightmare, everything was- as I had to remind myself once again- entirely real.

I found I couldn’t even...act on my own at this point, as I turned my face into Shane’s oversized hoodie just to muffle the shuddering sob that sent my head pounding. Not even the silent tears he had witnessed earlier, but intense, hiccuping sobs that made my body shake from the effort. My hands balling uselessly into fists at his sides, trying to form useless words and apologies that wouldn’t properly speak through. He noticed this as he sighed, giving a gentle squeeze before he spoke up.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to talk right now, just..” He paused, as if unsure what to say for a split moment, or as if he was internally debating about saying the wrong thing, “Just get it all out of your system, alright?”

I didn’t...quite process what he said, due to the breakdown inevitably taking all of the energy I had out of me like the tapper’s outside on the trees. With each breathless wail of years beyond years of bottled up emotion, I felt more and more exhausted. There’s nothing I could even do to stop myself at this point, besides uselessly cling to Shane and pray that the void decides to swallow me whole as I cry similarly to a goddamn infant. I just could not physically deal with anything anymore, so it was all I could do- like the fucking idiot I was and am. Any attempt of trying to fight against the panic, was just immediately drowned out, until I just completely and utterly gave in to the train wreck of emotions that had been whirling through my heart for such a long time.

The more time passes, the more my muffled shrieking and crying slowly ebbs down, as does the last bits of energy I had left from the days events. From sobbing, more so to soft hiccuping as my body trembles from the exertion and expenditure of depression over the past...past...Well, what felt like an hour. Eventually, that hiccuping and trembling too, stills.

As I seemingly calm down enough to get back a sense of goddamn control over my body, I just give this shuddering sigh as my grip loosens just slightly. I had to say something, explain everything somehow, but my mind was running on empty. Even the voices had stopped, and all I could hear aside from the silence was a soft static. ‘Say something!’ I told myself, ‘Do something, anything!’

“...I’m..I’m sorry-” I go to say as I look up a bit to him, only for him to just cup a hand over my mouth. I squint a bit. Bitch-

“I told you, it’s okay. I know how it feels to just...not have anywhere to put those feelings to.” He replied, in a familiarly blunt but a not-so-familiar soft tone. Surprisingly, I laugh weakly, though I’m not sure if it was from relief or disbelief, before tilting my head back down to hide away into the dampened fabric of his hoodie.

Despite crying for at least 15 or so minutes, there was still this lingering warmth radiating from his clothes. This was only when I realized how cold I was feeling- it being early spring and the winter winds still occasionally spiraling by to bite the asses of whomever comes in its way- so I was way too inclined to stay there. So of course, it’s only then do I realize what’s going on as my brain kicks back into an actual thought process.

Oh, yeah, the fact that Shane of all people was the one who had assisted me in all of this. The same one, mind you- who had similar issues to my own. At least, to some extent. The other fact, which I’d never admit aloud and never once recalled to mention throughout the entire evening, was how big of a lovestruck idiot I was over this man. Did I mention I am hardly good at hiding feelings? Well, besides the obvious depressive kinds. Something I really needed to keep a track on.

At that moment of realization, my face likely turns almost as red as the tomatoes we grew outside, since I felt that warmth suddenly flare. Fuck my bisexual stupidity-  

I quickly look up at him, but he seemed to be focused on something else as a stretch of silence pervades the dark cabin. That slight look where he wasn’t quite in that bad headspace of his, but more deep in thought of something or other. It was a cute look.

Sweet Yoba almighty- I may just throw myself out the window right now.

Still, that sudden panic almost immediately died in my chest to give way for an extreme fucking heart throb when he looked back down to me and gave an almost sheepishly nervous smile. ‘Damn this man and his goofy ass grin, fucking attractive ass-’

“Are...are you feeling alright?” He asked after a moment, snapping me out of my stupor. To which I tried...tried to answer, but good grief my vocal chords were just not cooperating at that moment because my heart was too busy exploding through my throat. So, I manage a slight nod, before looking back down if only because sweet mercy, that man was more than definitely going to be the death of me.

See, the thing is, NO ONE knew about how I felt about him. Yasmine, while having scaled onto my past relationships, had always thought I was going to chase after Abigail. For a while, that was true, I did have a small crush on her for a short while. But the longer I spent chatting to him during times he wasn’t equally as drunk as I usually was, the more I found he was entirely different then his usual rough exterior he presented himself with.

I guess we’re all kind of different beneath facades; of either thorns, or flowers.

Either way, I don’t think my exhausted brain could manage to move to let Shane up even if I wanted or had to. Even at the moment, it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay awake. I try to keep myself awake though, by moving my head about to look out the window, to examine and try to piece together how Shane was feeling at the moment, and to the cat which was busy hiding underneath my bed. How did he even get under my bed-?!

Speaking of; Mango, the cat, meowed aimlessly from my staring and I had to hide a tired laugh that almost immediately died off from a yawn that I couldn’t suppress. Shane rose an eyebrow, looking down at me.

“I’m guessing you’re tired?” He said, and I could sense the slightly joking manner in his tone, to which I smile a bit and nod.

“Yeah…Too much cryin’ for about the next month.” I joke with a small chuckle. As Shane went to go let go though, I let out a protestant whimper and clung further to him. Remember when I said my impulses make me act really stupid? Y e a h. Try multiplying that by 500 when I’m also extremely fucking tired. Fuck.

I felt him tense for a split moment, and I didn’t need to look up to see the confused and bewildered expression he was donning. I was even confused as to what in the fresh hell I was doing.

“Uh, you okay?” He asked, and I feel the flush creeping further up through the back of my neck as I spoke in a very quiet tone, one I haven’t heard from myself in years.

“Please, please don’t leave..” It was a very simple request, and yet the weight it held caused me to nearly start crying yet again. I don’t even know why I said it, maybe just because being alone didn’t exactly sound wise to me right then and there or because I wasn't sure if moments like these- soft, quiet, but comforting- would happen again, but I didn’t want him to leave. I didn't want to be alone...

He seemed to read my thoughts on this, since he gradually settles before laughing softly.

“Alright, I won’t, I suppose. Not like I’ve got too much to do this late at night anyway. ‘Sides,” As he speaks, he manages to wrap his arms back around me, scooping me upward as he makes his way to his feet, an action that most definitely makes me squeal softly in surprise, “I don’t think it’d be a smart idea to leave you alone in this cabin while Harvey’s out looking for your sister, and you’re basically surrounded by way too many sharp objects.”

As if to prove a point, he gestures to some of the tools I even use during the farming mornings, and I sheepishly look away. Especially when, after setting me back down, he turns to me and gently grabs my arm. Damnit-!

“You might just get yourself hurt...well, again.” He added as he turned my arm over, nervously watching as I bit back a soft whine. Gauging a reaction, no doubt.

“...” I can’t form words of an explanation, and frankly I don’t really care to right then and there. As it was, I already completely broke down… I didn't need to give him more reason to hate me. After all, he dealt with so much already, and knowing now how I still find ways to hurt myself like this… Gods, I wouldn’t forgive myself.

He gets the message after a moment, letting go of my arm to sit beside me on the bed. I was just glad he wasn’t going to ask about them, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.

After a moment more of silence, I just sigh and turn, this time initiating the hug which damn well knocks Shane back over and nearly off the bed. He once again tenses up with sudden confusion, before I speak up.

“...Thanks, Shane.”

He looks to me, as I flash a small, weary smile, but one I knew was very genuine. He means so much to me, and tonight solidified that fact with the strength of titanium steel.

After another beat, He puts an arm around me, giving a soft and somber smile that matched the dulled tension in the night air. He shifts a bit, leaning back more so into a comfortable position knowing likely very well that I was not going to budge. Slowly, I nudge myself up a bit more with a quiet sigh.

“Hey, I mean. I know what that’s like. Not fun, so… I mean, If I can help someone else deal with that, I guess it’s…” He trails off for a moment, before shaking his head just slightly, “It’s just the right thing to do.”

I raise an eyebrow, mildly compelled to further question that, since that really didn’t seem to be the entire answer, but I can’t bring myself to ask. Let alone move. A yawn passes my lips again before I can think twice about it, and he looks to me with a slightly fond smile. One that definitely made my heart flutter just a little more.

“Just get some rest, alright? It’s pretty late.” He spoke gently, gently pushing the hair once again away from my face. I nod just slightly, hiding my face away a moment later into his clothes right before I become too tired to stay awake. I do know there was one last thought though, before my consciousness completely dissolved into the dreaming realms.

‘...You’re nicer than you want to believe. And I’ll prove that to you everyday until you know it, as well.’