#I’m REALLY glad she didn’t get it while she was still super sick bc she’d probably be in the hospital

[shima-draws]

Uh oh sisters my mom got covid 😬

[feysooah]

HIHI ! 

I go by Fany & she/her -- it’s been a looong time since I rped so honestly pretty excited to be here and get this muse on the road :> no lie it’ll probably take me a bit to adjust and get in the groove of things so forgive my extra slowness but I’d love to plot n chat with all of you peeps like actually please lets !! do have a profile page up you’re free to check ( still being worked on shh ), and a rules page that’s really just more an info dump about rping with this mun & muse and some stuff about me in general if you’re curious ye

don’t have any plots up for grabs sadly, yet, but brainstorming is much welcome

here’s some tidbits about muse that might be helpful in the meanwhile tho ;

to start off, where she actually comes from;

From where her lineage diverged the Gwan bloodline has notoriously been known as very powerful divination magick practitioners within the Kyegeum house

alongside being super cordial with other houses and often the other genera as well, but generally aloof in matters that did not strictly concern them. this extended to the normal world and society as well

this was especially true for her grandpa, Gwan Youngchul

who ended up being turned in a surprise attack from a werewolf when the man had been out with his familiar companion -- Seok -- who despite best efforts could not save the witch from this sudden fate, could not stop their treasured bond severing

and despite managing to keep Youngchul alive through the whole ordeal, it would not take long ( if anything, suspiciously quick ) for a certain group of hunters to get whiff of the circumstance and swiftly rid off the ex-witch

Perhaps one bright side to look at was that he was able to communicate last wishes, some of which had already been written on letters hidden for the chance of an unlucky situation such as the one they were currently in arising. one of the wishes being a plea to protect his only daughter Jiyeong

At a tender age of seventeen Jiyeong took the news with surprising grace, not to say she wasn’t devastated and cried but what seemed to be request of her father to bond with his familiar was accepted after a moment of thinking it over, and bonding ritual decided to take place within the week

Jiyeong’s mother had been the one to mainly oversee her training once abilities started manifesting, a Kyegeum witch herself, with very different abilities compared to her husband

It was perhaps no surprise then that Jiyeong became very adamant not long after father’s death to focus studies and abilities on what her father had been so revered for; divination

something his older sister, Jiyeong’s aunt, was known for as well and gladly helped the girl with alongside taking the widowed family under her wing and protection

Jiyong followed after her father’s footsteps in many other things, most notably making friends and upholding favorable relations to the other houses, other genera as well

was endlessly fond of nature magic too, had an abundance of flowers and plants in every nook and cranny, a beautiful garden she tended to with care

many would even say she was touched by the sun itself, vibrant and warm soul she was, nurturing not with only plants but people themselves

eventually met a man who slowly swept Jiyeong off her feet, and not but a few years later they had a child, naming her Sooah. my muse. we’ll get to her in a bit I promise ._.

the man aka Dad is a human, just plain ole’ human. orphaned at a young age so while they wouldn’t know for certain if he has any sliver of witchy magic in him it’s unlikely

insists he fell in love with Jiyong at first sight pretty much. which is frankly understandable she was such a lovely person ;u;

was surprisingly chill about all the, well, witch stuff and whatnot, very curious too but also did want her to be careful and if possible not be that involved with that world

for about next 10 years things went on fairly normally, ya know, living the happy family life, going to work, mingling with the magical side of society

then she started getting sick every so often, out of the blue, however nothing even remotely seeming serious. though it was odd for a witch to be affected with flu so often

she didn’t think it was serious itself, and had a habit of hiding it in the beginning too when it wasn’t even noticeable

until it got to the point it simply could not be ignored, could not be just a passing small thing, could not be cured by any means she knew

and the next thing anyone else knew she was gone. almost like someone had reached and snuffed out her flame, just like that

where in the story we get to Sooah, so;

her early life wasn’t that special in honesty, if you don’t count all the stories her mother told about the secret magical world she too would be part of one day, and the lineage she was to inherit, abilities she would discover, all to be learned together

she had been a deviously curious child, daydreaming every other moment and next begging to see if even take part in what her mother was doing with her own magick

Sooah was quite interested in the guy sometimes accompanying her too, a friendly face she’d grown to know as Seok who she had learned eventually was mom’s bonded familiar, a fact she was entirely too excited about. but who also was before bonded to her grandpa that the girl never got to meet herself

would not fail to mention to him many times how she was going to one day find a familiar to bond with too, someone who was fun and kind and wanted to go on adventures and they would be the bestests of friends ever. and definitely cooler than him

she was always eager to understand and practice the power inside her in general, which she was starting to more and more by the days, before the sudden passing of her mother

it broke her :<

dad too, for a while he was nothing but basically a walking shell. she’s sure neither of them really truly recovered

backtracking just a lil because one very, very important notion was the familiar was of course bound to die soon along with the mom, Sooah was well aware of the fact by then and while she was stricken by grief at the time she was dedicated to finding him, no real plan in mind but urgent to know he was okay, like it would somehow make the situation any better

she did end up meeting him, understandably shaken himself but apparently already accepted own fate-- which at the moment did not sit well with her at all and Sooah, not even yet 14 years old, decided she was not going to let him just wither away and die alone how horrible would that be, how sad for that to be the end when her mom had exuded everything opposite, she was not going to let that happen no matter what

which meant the only thing she could actually do was to bond with Seok and by sheer force of will and maybe some tears - definitely some tears - did manage to convince for him to agree to it

a whole mess

she doesn’t regret it one bit, absolutely refuses to, yet does occasionally wonder if it was the right thing to do or even fair to him

but ultimately she’s glad he is in her life, aiding in any matter she may require, definitely now seen as a big brother she never had-- if she’s not too busy calling him grandpa bc seriously he’s old as all fuck. it still surprises her from time to time

( okay but it is hilarious to think Seok going from being as old as he was, looking about 40 to then having a 14 year old’s body lmaoo )

bless the grandma tho she was really a rock in this emotional time, even though she was dealing with the loss of her daughter, after having lost her husband so early in their lives too !

she kinda took over seeing to Sooah’s teaching and helping in any other way as well, more than welcoming to having her stay over for however long she needed or wanted to

she’s still thankfully alive and has a good relationship with both Sooah and Seok ;u;

Dad on the other hand.

they have both moved out of the house the family used to occupy with mom, into their own places

also have a somewhat strained relationship nowadays, more to do with his insistence on getting her to quit all the witch stuff cause it’s dangerous yadda yadda and she’s obviously not going to do that

not to say she’s not paranoid herself, and knowing how both her mom and grandpa died barely halfway into their lives even more so

it’s not only made her fearful of same fate but made her swear to stay away from any sort of divination magic if she can help it, somehow convinced that to be a factor in all of it

does have randomly prophetic dreams though, but nothing that has been major or necessarily that important so she’s.. okay with that. kinda. does keep a dream journal just in case

It’s coming up 10 years after the mom’s death, so I’m sure there’s been some rumors or other witches wondering if the Gwan family was just cursed or something, probably mostly from older and the more traditional types. doesn’t help Soaah’s dad being a plain human. or that she’s not sure if that might just actually be the case oof

as thus she’s definitely a lot more withdrawn when it comes to the other houses, or even Kyegeum themselves, doesn’t exactly feel like part of the community if you will

but is friendly to everyone and usually can be outwardly seen as having nothing weird or unusual going on beyond what you’d expect of a typical witch in this day and age

designs and sometimes makes jewelry for The Gem Lab actually, or if an individual knows to ask her personally Sooah does take custom work too ! and yes they all have very carefully picked gems or crystals, often imbued with enchantments of basic protection or if one wants something very specific she can probably do it

is kinda rich?? like grandpa was very up in there and left part of his inheritance to the mom, who of course left part of hers to Sooah. who doesn’t really like using that money as it is so it’s just sitting in a whole separate account. probably partly also because she’s not exactly the best when it comes to handling finances so. yeah.

uhh

this is so long already god I’m not gonna get into her personality or any of that now, yall can figure it out along the way or read up what I have on her page -- which isn’t much yet but it is something !! I’m def figuring her out myself too as I go haha

so ay if you wanna plot drop by my ims please ;; I do have a discord if you feel that’s easier too just ask for it !

also go show some love to Seok  ouo

[rossmccallsqueen]

Paper Hearts (Roger Taylor Imagine)

 Part 1 of 2

Pairing: 80s!Roger Taylor x Reader

Summary: It had been a year since Roger left. He didn’t know what to do anymore. So he wrote you a letter...

Word count: 1.6K

Warnings: Lots and lots of angst oops IM SORRY

Requested: No, but I had to write this asap bc I love this song

A/N: This is based on the song Paper Hearts by The Vamps. The bold italics are the lyrics and the regular italics are Roger. You’ll see!

Rogers POV

It had been almost a year since I’d left. Since I’d left Y/N. Every single day my heart ached, and it was showing. The only thing that I know anymore is that I miss her so fucking much. I miss her more than I thought I could miss anyone. And I knew why she wanted me gone, I couldn’t even pretend that I didn’t. It broke me every single time I thought about it.

I was playing the songs on autopilot at this point. I wasn’t going out, I wasn’t even drinking unless the pain became too much. Brian even thought I was sick at one point, but I’m not. I just miss her. It consumed me, and I couldn’t even get the courage to call her. I didn’t want to hurt her any more than I already had.

She wanted commitment. She wanted to know where we would be in the future. She had every right to ask these questions, but I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t even know where I would be the next month, let alone a few years down the road. Every time I told her I didn’t know, she would start crying again. There wasn’t anything that I could do to stop it.

There's a lot of things that I may not know

But missing you baby is the only thing I know, I know

And who am I to say what the future holds

But missing you baby is the only thing I know, I know

“Mate we have to do some interviews today. Let's go.” John called into my room one morning. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to get up or do anything I didn’t have to do. She was absolutely consuming me.

“Nah, I’m good,” I said, not even turning around to tell him.

“Alright, but Fred won’t be too happy.” I didn’t care. They could do a few interviews without me, it wasn’t going to hurt anyone. I just wanted to sit here for a while. Of course, I’d thought about that day I’d left a million times, but here I was thinking about it again. It played on a constant loop in my head that I couldn’t turn off.

I knew John had left when I heard him shut my door. I was alone again, alone with just me and my thoughts. I remember her saying that if I couldn’t give her an answer before I left that she needed some space. I didn’t want space, all I wanted was to be with her. Space was the last thing that I wanted from her.

But as Fred reminded me, it wasn’t always about what I wanted. It was about what she wanted too. However, that didn’t mean it wasn’t killing me on the inside. My other half was literally missing and there was nothing I could do about it. When the boys came back later that day, Fred came in to talk to me. He didn’t seem to care I missed interviews all too much, but he knew exactly why I was sulking.

“Why don’t you write her a letter?” He suggested. And it was like a light turned on I had never noticed before. “You can’t just sit here and do nothing Rog.”

If I couldn’t call her, I could write her a letter. I nodded, and Fred handed me some paper and a pen. And then I was alone again, but this time with something to write down my thoughts with. Writing, whether it be a song or anything else, was the one thing I always knew how to do.

If my heart was paper, I'd fold it

Throw it to the wind and just hope it ends up with you

I signed it with love from me to you, I tried to be cool

But my feelings they don't allow me to

And all that I ask, Is that at least you write me back

I'm waiting

She had every right to ignore my letter. I knew there was a high possibility that she would. But I wanted to fight for us, and I just had to hope that she did too. I didn’t even know what she was doing right now. She could have moved apartments and I would have no idea. But I don’t think she would do that without saying anything… Or did I? I needed to fix this. I had to fix this.

“Dear Y/N,

I don’t even really know how to begin this letter. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I left. I know I shouldn’t have. I should have given you an answer. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve the world. You may not even read this, but I have to give this a shot. I miss you so much. Please just hear me out.

That night replays over and over in my mind on a loop. There are so many things I should have said. I don’t remember what my life was like before I met you, but now that you’re gone I don’t remember how to live. I don’t go out anymore, I barely even drink. All I can think about is you. Us.”

Said you needed space

So I gave you time, A year has gone by

And I'm thinking you're still mine, In my mind

“I know you said you wanted space. But you said you wanted space because I didn’t know what I wanted. I know what I want. I want to be with you, and only you. I know its been so long since we’ve even spoken, but I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I made a mistake. I will do whatever it takes to be with you.

I want a future with you. I want kids and a life and all of that. I know that’s what you wanted me to say that night. I don’t know why I couldn’t say it out loud. All I wanted to think about was the tour and what party we were going to the next night… I should have been listening to you. I’m so fucking scared I won’t have you in my life anymore. The very thought terrifies me.”

And I've written you this letter

Like a hundred times

To start a conversation, that we should have had that night

I try

“I’ve thought about calling and writing before. There are so many things I should have said to you in the last year, so I’m going to try and say them now.

I love you so much. I love you so much I didn’t think was possible to love someone this much. There’s a hole in my chest where you should be. I’m literally going crazy without you. We can have a future together, I know we can. I know life is crazy and nothing is certain, but I want the one thing that is certain to be us. I will do whatever it takes to be with you.

I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had and no matter what happens to us in the future, every day I’m with you will be the best day of my life. I will always be yours.

I promise I’ll be home soon. I love you.

Xoxo,

Roger M. Taylor”

Here’s my paper heart

Won’t you hold it, hold it

Flying through fields over sand

Hoping one day it will land

And end up with you

I put the letter in the envelope Freddie gave me and saw it was already addressed to Y/N’s apartment. Freddie would do that, and I’m kind of glad he did. I dropped it in the post box outside the hotel and now all I had to do was wait.

……….

It had been a few days since I’d sent Y/N the letter. I had no idea where we were on tour, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to know she’d gotten it. She knew our manager and everything, she knew how to get in contact with me if she wanted to.

“It is international post Rog, it could just take a little longer.” Brian was always trying to be the voice of reason. I made eye contact with Fred once again, and he knew. He didn’t have to say anything, he just knew.

“Go to her Rog. We’ll make the rest of the tour work. Just go, and dammit get your woman back.” I hugged Fred, he knew me better than anyone. I didn’t even pack a suitcase, just a bag of clothes and my book and jumped in a cab to the airport. I’d never left a tour early before. But there was a first time for everything.

The flight seemed to take days, even though I knew it was only a few hours. I was back on English soil and I’d never been this nervous. I had no idea if she’d gotten my letter or even wanted to see me. But I was damn well going to try. I knew the way to her apartment by heart. When the cab dropped me off, I looked up and saw her window. The light was still on.

Your POV

You had the letter in your hands. You’d read it over and over again since it had arrived earlier in the day. You hadn’t stopped thinking about Roger, and he hadn’t stopped thinking about you. If two people were meant to be, they’d always find their way back to each other right? You looked at the phone, you knew you could get ahold of him.

“I want a future with you.”

That’s all you’d wanted with Roger. You had just needed him to say it. Saying it out loud made it real. You needed it to be real. Sitting on the couch and the tv on in the background, the knocking on the door scared the ever living daylights out of you.

“Who is it?” You called out. You knew better than to answer the door late at night.

“It’s me.”

Roger.

--------

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[someobscurereference]

(1/2)probs not what u intended when in that last ask u said “not really hurt by THEIR standards” but now all I can think about is the trio having a scary high pain tolerance. (Niles does too, but everyone knows WHY). But bc of their childhoods-often too many injuries and too few clerics, the trio just kinda Push through things they shouldn’t? A blow lands awkwardly in sparring but laslow keeps going until Xander notices him favoring his left and, oops, yeah it’s a fractured wrist but no worries

(2/2)When Selena gets sick Camilla practically has to wrestle her into bed (in the unfun way). Odin makes leo tea one night and burns himself on the kettle, and Niles and leo don’t even notice until they catch an glimpse of his hand bc his reaction to it was so nonchalant and casual? I like to think that the trio are (or at least laslow and Odin) overdramatic babies about small things but otherwise theyre like? Pain? What’s that? We are restrained by no such concept. And it stresses everyone out

Anon, that is exactly what I intended, and I’m glad you picked up on that because I’m pretty certain the Trio (and probably the rest of the Awakening kids) consider what is a “bad” injury differently than a lot of the Fates or even other Awakening crew.

This is especially apparent in Inigo’s Support with his father in Awakening, where it becomes explicit that Inigo’s cheery, care-free persona is to keep the whole group afloat and be seen as invincible and strong because there are people depending on him and he can’t afford to look weak. Never showing any weakness and hiding your fears and pains constantly is absolutely unhealthy behavior, and while I’m not entirely sure he learns not to do that after that conversation with his dad, I think as he lives in the non-tarnished Ylisse and is surrounded by more and more people who care about him and are looking out for him and they gain more supplies than there ever were in the destroyed future, Inigo slowly gets better at admitting when he needs help. 

The other kids probably all do this to varying degrees as well, but by the time they get to be adults and solidly in Fates, I’d like to think the Trio have probably broken out of those habits a bit and learn to take better care of themselves now that it’s not life or death every moment of every day (even though it often is in battle still) and they don’t have to look perfect 100% of the time and supplies don’t have to be hoarded.

Now that said, the Trio’s gauge of what is “super bad” and what can wait is a little different than everyone else’s. 

I really do love the examples you picked out. Selena tries really hard and she’s come a long way from where she was in Awakening, but there’s still that drive to be the best, to prove herself, she’s needed, damn it… right? She’d be the type to hesitate, to say, “Oh, I’m sick. Maybe I should rest today?” because she’d tell someone else to rest in a heartbeat. But then duty calls or she sees Beruka doing her work and she’s not going to be the only one sitting around today. And of course Camilla wouldn’t stand for one of her retainers to be running around when they’re not at 100%. Selena protests being forced into bed, but part of her maybe likes being doted on a bit too. She likes the attention, but she doesn’t like being seen as weak. It’s a mixed bag. 

Severa would have worked through the dizziness and the pain and the fever and complained about everything under the sun except the fact she wasn’t feeling well, fighting for her life near tears because everything is awful and bad and she’s sick but she can’t stop. 

Selena can, eventually, lay down and admit Camilla is right and say “thanks for knocking some sense into me” at the end of the day. Sometimes part of growing up is also finding yourself in better circumstances. Sometimes it’s taking care of yourself and learning your limits. This is a bit of both.

Xander purposely swings wide and Laslow lowers his shield to ask what’s wrong, why are we stopping when Xander’s like, “Why didn’t you tell me you were injured?”

Laslow tests his wrist and yeah, he noticed it hurt really bad and ouch, yeah, that’s maybe probably fractured, but they don’t have to stop?

Xander tells their match is over. Go see a cleric.

Laslow takes a moment to blink and remember that oh, yeah. He can do that now. 

It’s embarrassing to go to a cleric over an injury you received while sparring, especially when Laslow is supposed to be the shield that protects Lord Xander from harm, but Xander reminds him injuries happen while sparring all the time and the important thing to do is to take care of them before they become bigger issues on the battlefield later. “And inform me immediately next time you are injured like that, even by myself. You must take care of yourself.”

And something about that reminder and being visibly injured in front of someone he wants to look strong in front of doesn’t burn the way it would have a few years ago.

It’s Odin’s turn to make the tea one late night and while he takes longer than normal, Leo and Niles don’t think very much of it until Odin returns and sets down the tray and one of them sees the bandage wrapped around Odin’s palm.

“What happened to your hand?”

Odin, casually, “Oh, I burned it.”

“Why didn’t you go to a healer?” This is Leo especially.

“It’s not a big deal?”

“It clearly hurts a lot and would be impede your movement on the battlefield. That’s not going to heal on its own by tomorrow. Go see a cleric.” 

It looks painful is a good enough reason on its own, but Leo feels like he has to justify his reasoning anyway.

Odin: “Okay :////”

He doesn’t wield a sword anymore so it just seems kinda wasteful to use a staff over something so small. Meanwhile Leo’s like, “Why did he carry that tray all the way here with an injured hand?? It clearly hurt? Have I ever given him the impression that he shouldn’t heal himself if he’s injured??? I don’t think I did?”

Meanwhile, Niles: “Relatable but dumb.” He had Leo’s insistence of taking care of himself knocked into him long ago.

As a side note, I can absolutely picture the Trio pulling some dumb stunt via this Psych quote:

“How sure are you?”

“Eighty-five, eighty-six percent.”

“We’ve gone on much less.”

Except that “eighty-five” percent is much more likely to be, like, forty percent before they do something brave but stupid.

[bigbrothermonopoly]

EPISODE 3:

HOH: EVE

EVICTED: TAWNI 13-0

KORI:

Honestly, after recording this, it kinda shocks me how much was happening in House Chat... did they not have friends and family to spend the New Year's with instead of being drunk on Discord?

JESS:

If I have to hear Chris say "And I ooop" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME. I SWEAR.

WILLIAM:

I can't say I am not nervous about Eve winning HoH for two reasons.... First off I know that there are no more major house targets so now alliances might start forming, and I just hope that I am a part of them, and secondly I don't think many people know where Eve's head is at and whoever she puts up will absolutely be a blindside 

KRISTINE:

Oh my goodnessss Im so glad that Eve kept me safe this week. It really really sucks that I’m playing veto though... especially since Austin is up there as a nominee. I really think I should throw this Veto because I really need to keep my middle ground. I want to work with Eve for sure but Chris is just like pulling me into all this craziness with a big alliance and everything it’s really too much sometimes. I’m throwing this veto hard asf and this one BETTER not bounce back lmao. Anyways I hope this works out for me. 

JESS:

The relationships in this game are definitely becoming super evident and transparent right now. From the top of my head I can name at least 4 sets of duos, budding friendships, and alliances. This what I think so far.... Gwen, Silence, and Austin are an alleged thing. How do I know: Will told me because Madison spilled it to him. (Brien hasn't told me yet and I'm sure Madison has told me so that is SUSSSSSSS) As a result of that... I know: Will and Madison are close which means Brien/Madison/Will should be close just by association through Madison. Madison has come to life so it wouldn't surprise me if she was friends with a majority of these boys because apparently that is her thing. Brien also seems to be spreading his social seed around so those two are kind of scary to me but as soon as I expose they are dating I think there will at least be some paranoia there and people will target them. Will was an idiot and shared his screen so my ass took a screenshot to see his alliances and I do know he has one called "Rws League" so I know he's at least withholding that info from me. SO SUSSSSS but also can't blame him for not sharing alliances with me? We will work on that though. Next up we have: Kristine, Chris, Brien, Emma, Emma How do I know: Brien spilled the beans last round. Do I think it's 100% a thing not really but I do think there is a chance it is a thing. The idea of this being a thing is soooo scary to me because this group has sooo many other outside connections. Brien has Madison because well they are dating. Kristine and Chris are close I think? Emma and Def have that Galore thing but who knows? (I honestly don't think the Galore thing is an actual factor in this game) Kristine has Eve and that whole duo thing fucking scares me because I think they could both run this game if they wanted to do so. Where do I fit into all of this? I have no idea. I don't have anything outside of my day 1 alliance of Kori/Emma/Eve/Mackenzie/Myself and the weird Brien and Madison one. I know I need to make more connections so people won't nominate me or if they do I'll have the votes and the connections to stay. I know Brien has hinted at wanting to make an alliance of 5 with myself, Eve, him, and Madison but he's really pushing for William as a fifth. Which I would be fine with IF I didn't know that he was already close with Madison. I don't like power imbalances not in my favour in alliances so...  yikes. I feel a bit better about my position in the game right now. I do think I've at least gained some ground on people like William and Andrew. I want to trust Kori and work with him going forward but I'd be dumb to think he's not doing the same thing and planning for the future where the alliance implodes. I just feel like with Kori it is so hard for me right now to get him to give me info. I feel like I'm the one who constantly has to talk to him first, give him info first, and try to basically encourage him to TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS GAME and it is driving me insane. I'm trying not to be paranoid but that just scares me and shows me that just because I think I can trust someone it does not necessarily mean the feeling is mutual or at least it isn't at the same level of trust I have in them. This is probably paranoia all talking so don't mind me future episode reader.

CHRIS:

All right so I survived Potentially eve putting me up. I only assume that she would because her and Andrew seem very close. I know that I am on thin ice with some people however hopefully the nominations will stay the same and I won’t be back doored. If anyone in my alliance wins and they want to take down Austin, I might convince them to not and just shove all the votes on silence. If all the vote go on silence then Austin will still be here no matter what, which would then still have power trap, Jason’s book club, and underwood slongs are still intact. Soon this game will take off, and there will be no easy targets. When that happens I am hopeful all my appliances and the relationships I made or help me walk towards the end

KORI:

So, this kindof sucks? Like on one hand I'm glad Eve won HoH because I want her to raise her target so that she'll eventually take the fall, and because I know we're good and she won't be looking to nominate me or backdoor me for a solid while yet. Still not exactly a fan of how it went down since she did LITERALLY nothing in the challenge until the last hour. Mackenzie did all the work in my mind she should've probably won the challenge. The part that sucks is that she nominated Austin AND Silence, two of my Mandela Moncoles Alliance members, which means I can't actually win POV even if I'm capable of doing so. (Granted I'd have thrown even if she nominated one of them.) Because then I'd have to choose, that could expose things, yadda, yadda, yadda. I might come to regret throwing POV because it could lead to myself being backdoored. But I also am hoping the game I'm playing is like I don't know, not complete shit that I won't be in that kind of situation this early on. There's still some people where my relationship is pretty lacking and balancing that last challenge when I'm in 2 alliances was just a complete cluster-fuck, and here's hoping that if it IS Silence and Austin, that Silence is the one that goes. I feel like Austin is easier to manage, even if he's a little less active. Like Silence is ok, but we don't need more drunkeness and shit. Hopefully whoever goes my relation to Gwen and whoever stays remains UTR. Though the nomination situation might change post-veto. I'm also currently debating snagging the Utilities when I have enough money... I dunno, it just seems like it could be a good purchase for me, since I don't predict I'll be in a situation where I'll actually be able to get Boardwalk and Park Place. We'll see what my options are closer to the time.

ANDREW:

episode 3 why tf would chris come for me, he asked me to be his ally the other day like thats annoying af. he pissed me off "i see that william billed me. i now give myself permission to destroy him without feeling bad" mission accomplished i want to win this HoH so far im doing pretty good and im confident i can win if i keep it up the only thnig im worried about is i told my bf id hang out with him at like 7:30 but. might have to blow him off jk not ruining a relationship 4 this game but i hope i can win lmfao Chris pming mackenzie to get me out Ur ass is going up if i win mf Ur an idiot. I hate every man in this competition except brian and dem i like actually dont wanna try anymore these bitches are so fucking annoying like i will try but i dont fucking want to i hate kori and chris i hate chris so fucking much Eve is in first place and she hasnt done shit which is lowkey annoying af but its whatever For some reason i feel like Eve is going to do me dirty this week, I don’t know why i feel this way but I just do I see her as big af competition like probs my biggest, i hope she doesn’t see me in the same light because i don’t want her gunning for me@ Daily reminder I hate Chris I know it’s going to be a bitch to take him out of this game But i will go down trying Omg! Austin winning veto is fucking dope cuz i completely expected him to go home this week lmfao And i think he likes me still despite the whole chris thingy (i informed him what happened and how we will no longer be working together) EVE has informed me that there are sides slowly forming in this game, I tell her I'm scared bc I don't get much info, she tells me to stick with her and she'll have my back, so tht's what im going to do :heart: I trust her, the bitch is smart and people like her. her word seems genuine, she doesn't need to be making a deal with me, i have no power and she has all of it, so thats why im trusting her word rn 

JESS:

Well time for a tipsy confessional. Guess what? People aka: Kristine think me, Gwen, and Tawni are close? That's fucking news to me. That kind of really bothers me because I don't get how she'd come to that conclusion.... which means someone on a call spread that to Kristine. Somehow. The only people on call with the 3 of us were Brien/William/Madison I think so rip,

AUSTIN:

So... I was nominated this week. But guess what? I won the mother fuckin’ power of veto and saved myself. Now Tawni is on the block next to Silence as Eve’s replacement nominee. I’m in an alliance with Silence so it would make sense to vote out Tawni. Most of the house wants Tawni out I believe so I’m pretty sure she is going home.

TAWNI:

I’m probably gone TAWNIToday at 5:11 AM Part of me wants to quit because I’m annoyed But I’m not a quitter At least physically leave the game quit I’ve just given up I physically feel sick TAWNIToday at 5:18 AM I wouldn’t be in this position If this was the time o was going to bed and not waking up everyday Or if I could be more active at work And this happening right after I’ve had to deal with the add contacts shit Like and everyone is mad at me because I have a bad taste for cheatham in my mouth when I have a valid reason to be mad at him but everyone sees it as I’m mad he voted me out But when have they heard me talk about the others that did Everyone in the community believes what they want to believe And right now I feel like I’m seen as the bad guy TAWNIToday at 5:29 AM But someone is saying I have connections in this game And I don’t I talk to Jess and brien Two votes won’t save me My fucking connections are in here And no one here can help me The worst part is the fact if anyone drafted me I like let them down. And like people have said before no one really cares about the draft like that but it’s like people had faith in me or at least hoped I’d win and I came up short. And on a comp I’m able to get a 12 on and I just couldn’t do it TAWNIToday at 6:23 AM I just don’t understand what I did Because eve saying it’s not personal doesn’t make sense. I’m not a physical threat. I haven’t come close to winning anything. I’m not a social threat clearly because no one wants to keep me where. And she said I was always going to be the renom???? And now I’m the target? And she’s mad at me for being upset?? I’m I just that big of an idiot that I don’t see her logic? And yes I’m still crying TAWNIToday at 6:34 AM It’s seriously taking everything in me to not go off in the house chat. I have so much anger and hurt built up inside of me right now. From getting out on TS and having everyone hate me to getting put on the list and not being able to defend myself not being able to defend someone I consider a friend after I got them put in that Situation and now because I don’t even know who started this thing about me having connections. I

MACKENZIE:

hiiii currently trying to decide who i’m gonna vote to evict hzjjzjzjz ummm hoping me or jess wins hoh next round ummm also kristine still scares me

GWEN:

Tawni will be going home. So much has gone down in the last few days. I was on VC with Silence and he didn't realize that Madison was on and mentioned an alliance with us and Austin. And now people think we're in an alliance with Dem. How that happened? I have no idea. Also, people think that the "Old ladies" of Tawni, Jess, and I are in an alliance. Not true. Soooo that is a good reason for Tawni to go home. I DON'T TRUST BRIEN THAT SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH...LOVE YOU Brien, but you gotta goooo dude.

JESS:

So I'm just here eating a bagel kind of hoping I choke on it because maybe it'll put me out of the misery that is this GAME. So much has happened this fucking round. First of all Kristine trying to paint me, Gwen, and Tawni as a trio... super cute. She couldn't be more wrong.This is the second time Kristine has been shady towards me so she needs to fucking go. She won't go for a bit because Eve thinks 'she has Kristine" but I don't so she needs to BOUNCE. I don't trust Tawni one bit. She's too emotional, she literally admitted to hating me for A YEAR for a past game move I don't even remember or the game.. Gwen is also just... way.too.much. So that is a big yikes. So Tawni has to go. She was going to go regardless because of her comment she made towards me about being mad at me for a year. So that had to go for me before jury started because nope. not listening to that all game. I'll let Eve think she's protecting me from others but I would have pushed Tawni to go because she has the MOST dirt on my gameplay in this game. So this all works out. HOWEVER, MY BOO ANDREW IS KEEPING STUFF FROM ME. I'm heart broken. LITERALLY HEART BROKEN. I'm hearing he knew about the alliance of Gwen, Austin, Silence, Dem but he didn't tell me. Now he's trying to pretend like he's hearing this shit for the first time and I'm just overrrrrr it. This is strike one for him. I know he's close to Austin. So that's probably why everyone knows about this alliance. Austin probably told Andrew and Chris. I think Chris told Brien who in turn told me.. and everyone else because he's... Brien. I've also found out that Chris/Kristine/Emma have recently played a game together so THANKS JACOB for casting them together. That there is also an alliance with Brien/Chris/Gwen which is cute. Will use this info later on. I just think there's way tooo many unknowns for me in this fucking game but I don't want to win next HOH because I would want to nominate fucking Kristine. She doesn't trust me and I don't trust her. I'd be so tempted to nominate Kristine/Austin just to shake shit up. But one could only dream and that'd be dumb. I'm so happy Mackenzie is starting to see through Eve's shit. I really hope she starts playing as her own player because I'd make her my #1 so fucking fast. I obviously can't agree with her straight up because she might go back to Eve but... Eve does treat her and me like we are her bitches. We HAD to give Eve the advantage, we HAVE to take out Tawni for Eve. I can't wait until people start seeing through her shit and she goes but not only I've secured myself in this game..

KORI:

So like legit, Tawni has CRACKED. She got really emotional on call with Gwen and Eve, she's apparently HARDCORE throwing Gwen under the bus. I'm just sitting here drinking my tea like: https://media2.giphy.com/media/3o7btLQZrOU4ssEew8/giphy.gif It looks reasonably likely that Tawni is going to go home as a result. What's interesting is that this week I feel like revealed a dynamic to me of Madison-Brien-Tawni-William, that I think I wasn't aware of before. I also just did a clutch maneuver towards what I believed to be peak Chaos, Me and Gwen went and bought the utilities. Ideally I'll be the one in control of how we use the Utilities no idea what the power is yet because we're so BROKE we can't even trade them to a single person to hold... so that's fun. I'm excited though because I feel like it's the first thing I've like DONE. Granted this probably removes any Chance I have of getting Boardwalk/Park Place. But I'm totally fine with that, the odds of me getting that whole set was low anyway, this one is at least obtainable and there's a chance that I might get some more of the lower properties too. Brien is honestly probably a snake though based on the conversations we've been having lately. But I'm not gonna look to make some giant waves. Like if I win HoH next week I'll probably nominate some combination of William, Dem, Andrew, and Madison. Just gotta see how this week goes first. (And actually win HoH next week. Probs won't happen... we'll have to wait and see.) In other news I just launched my ORG series Survivor Zenith YAS! It's stressful hosting an ORG but like I'm excited too, so here's hoping that goes well and that I'm still in this game when I finish hosting it.

EMMA:

shit is gonna be wild next week cant wait to make a confs and not be boring yeehaw

BRIEN:

[therealbrittanychiz]

8.27.18

Welp I think it’s safe to say I suck at updating this thing. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently though and I have sooo much that’s happened over the last year.

2017. It was the best and worst year of my life. If you read my last post I mentioned going to London and meeting Jenny for the first time! Well that was amazing. We had so much fun. I was really worried we wouldn’t get along or Denee would get along with her more than me but everything worked out fine! There were a few times were I apparently annoyed Denee and a couple times where she annoyed me so that rocked our friendship a little bit. Of course we’re still bffs and that’ll never change. But now we know to never travel with each other again xD Anyway! When we arrived I was so tried and we were running on 3 hours of sleep over the course of two days. Our flight had a layover in Iceland but it wasn’t too bad. We got lucky and landed the door window seat so there was lots of foot room! When we arrived we met up with Jenny and her dad. I literally had butterflies the entire time even after meeting her. I constantly had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming! It was just so surreal I was finally with her. So we got to her house and just talked and rested up since the next day we had to catch the train to Paris!

Paris was incredible. It wasn’t too hot or rainy at all. I just wish I wasn’t totally exhausted and cranky (hangry)! So of course we needed food so we walked from our hotel to the Eiffel Tower just to look around. We finally found a place and I just got a sandwich so I was happy to just be eating. I was still tired so I was trying my best not to put Denee or Jenny in a bad mood either. I just stayed quiet and ate my food.

Afterwards we headed back and rested up. We went back out to see the tower at night and looked for a place to eat dinner and grabbed some snacks. The next day I felt much better after getting well needed sleep. I was also super excited for Disneyland! We didn’t really ride any rides since none of us were really ride people so we wandered around and shopped and had lunch. Then I saw they were having a meet n greet for princess aurora so Jenny waited an hour and a half with me so I could meet her! It wasn’t too bad. Denee went off on her own and apparently she met Captain Hook and had a sword fight with him xD so she kept occupied. On our way back to meet Denee we ran into the queen of hearts and tweedle dew and tweedle dum. They were fun! After that we grabbed slushies and we realized we had to be back to meet our bus to get back to our hotel. By then we were exhausted from walking so naturally I was the slowest and I was way far behind them but I made it eventually. We even waited like 20 mins for our bus to even get there! Still it was a fun day. We got back to our hotel and just hung out.

The next day was our Eiffel Tower day! We grabbed breakfast and headed out. The walk was actually much further than we anticipated. Still, we went all the way up to the top and it was so much fun! (More on this later). Then we did some shopping and wandered around and got some food.

Our final day in Paris was the louvre! It was incredible. It was so big and we didn’t even walk all of it. We maybe did half and by then it was almost time to leave. There was just so much to look at and we spent most of it trying to find the Mona Lisa! We found it though. It’s a lot smaller in person and the room was crazy crowded. It was still really neat. We then left and headed back to our hotel. That night we went to the arc de triumphe to see it all lit up. We took a few pics and went back.

We left Paris and headed back to Jenny’s house and I was sooo glad to be “home”. So we hung out for a while and got some sleep. The next day we headed off to London! We got a flat pretty close to everything so that was nice. Our first day we did the London eye and did a boat tour on the river of Thames. We went back to our flat after that and relaxed a bit.

The next day we had afternoon tea and got to see some more sites so that was a lot of fun! We also did the queens jewels tour and walked around the castles.

Then we went up to the actual palace to see the changing of the guards so that was really cool to see. When we got back to our flat we went to go check out the shard but we hadn’t booked tickets to go inside though it was still cool to look at.

Denee went back to our flat but Jenny and I walked around the little garden park and sat on a bench for a while and just talked. We headed back and grabbed dinner. It was our last day in London as well so we had to go back to Jenny’s the next day.

At this point in our trip it’s been almost two weeks. When we arrived back the next morning we just hung out and tried to rest. The day after that we headed to Harry Potter studios! It was so much fun and I think the place where I spent the most money xD

The next day we went to a little beach town with a lot of arcades and shops and places to eat. We got legit fish n chips and ate by the water. We also played some arcade games and did some shopping but Jenny got the times messed up and we had to catch our train. We just barely made it bc I was in line to buy something but I had to put it back since our train was literally leaving within that minute so luckily we made it on!

The day after that was mostly a rest day. We had a concert and horse races to go to that evening. It was a lot of fun! We saw a British group called little mix who I listen to all the time now :p we placed some bets and of course won nothing but it was still a great night! Our final day was resting and packing. It was a bittersweet moment but we didn’t cry xP

We finally made it back home after a long 11 hour flight with another layover in Iceland. I was so happy to be home as much fun as I had. I missed my bed and my dog! Poor Jenny tho was so sick after our trip but she finally texted me after a few days saying how much fun she had.

So yeah that was my trip to Europe! And I totally plan on going back in 2019. We shall see!

Now onto the bad stuff. Remember in my last blog where I said we were having a cookout with my uncle and Mommom? Well that never happened. I was in the middle of a game day with my friends like I had previously said. Then I got the second worst call of my life. My Mommom has been in a car accident and they were trying to revive her. I was still hopeful she’d be okay. Then I got the first worst call of my life. I screamed and cried when my mom called with the bad news. Not to mention I was in front of my friends and one of Juan’s friends whom I’d just met that day. Mary ended up taking me home and she stayed with me until my parents got there.

Mary went home and we went to the hospital where she had died. It was so hard seeing everyone so sad. Definitely one of the worst days of my life. It was so horrible and I couldn’t believe it was happening. I just wish she had been alive long enough to see and hear about my Europe trip which she was excited for me to go. However...

Back to the Eiffel Tower! I was connecting to their WiFi when all of a sudden the WiFi name “Linda” popped up! I was just in awe and I took a screen shot to send to my mom. So it was if she really was with me in a weird way. (Maybe telling me to get off my phone and enjoy the view!)

I still feel her around me sometimes and I dream about her constantly.

So now onto August 2017! My friend Crystal was getting married. It was an okay wedding. I was not a bridesmaid as she wanted a small ceremony but me and my friend Amanda spent the night with her at the hotel so that was fun. Like I said it was an okay day. I was so tired when I got home tho!

Annnd now onto October!! Mary and Juan’s wedding was SO MUCH FUN. Denee and I were her maids of honor so we made a speech and everything. I was so nervous I dropped my phone with some notes from my speech so I could remember it. It was fine tho! Ofc we danced and ate and it was an all around good day.

Other than that the rest of the year was pretty chill. We went to downtown Annapolis for fireworks on nye so that was fun.

Annnnd now it’s 2018.

Im writing because I’m having surgery next week and I’m really nervous about it. I say it’s no big deal but on the inside I’m like freaking out. I always got the feeling I would die at a young age so maybe this is it. I have no idea. Maybe I’m just looking too much into this and everything will be fine. Who knows! I hope I’ll live through it xD

Lately I’ve been feeling a higher presence of my Mommom and I even had a dream about her today while I was napping. It was weird, she told me not to have sex with Ryan. Which i say is weird because we had a convo about it the other day. It was a really deep and meaningful convo and we usually don’t talk about stuff like that since we aren’t together yet. So who knows. Maybe she was just warning me but I doubt it’ll happen?

Anyway, Mom, if you’re reading this now you know the real me. I’m sorry I’ve been hiding this for so long. But I wanted you to see the other side of me. I hope you’re not reading this because that means you’ve found the sticky note on the side of my night stand. It means I’m dead, basically.

I want you to know I’ve always had a deep connection with my power of empathy and you might think that’s weird and I’m more strange than you thought. This is who i am. When I was younger I used to think I was psychic but now I know its empathy.

If you’re still reading know that I love you and dad and Hannah. Even though we didn’t always get along we had the typical mom and daughter fights probably more than normal but we always ended things on a good note.

Let the rest of my family know that I love them all and I’ll be watching over everyone and haunting y’alls asses so be prepared 😈

Tell my best friends (Mary, Denee, Juan, Michael and Andrew) that they are amazing and wonderful and thank them for being my truly awesome friends.

Especially to Mary and Denee. Mary, mostly for putting up with me for 21+ years. And Denee for 16+ years. I’m sorry for leaving you guys and I’ll be haunting you tooo ;)

Also tell Patti thanks for everything. She was my work mom and I’ll always love her too. I’m glad we became friends even if we didn’t get along at first! Bethany too, thanks for being my best work friend!

And tell Jenny what happened. Tell her I’m sorry for not being able to do the cruise with her and even just visiting her next year. Because I really wanted to. Tell her I love her (In the friend way, I’m not gay, I promise) she just has to know I loved her.

I suppose that’s it. If I really do die, I don’t really have any special requests. Do what you think I would’ve wanted. Take what I have in my account (you know it’s not much) and pay off my bills and then use it to divide between the three of you.

Okay now I’m done. Sorry this was such an emotional post and I really really hope I make it to see September 6th.

Later for now!

~ Brittany

[journeytochris-blog]

I've really been struggling the past month or so and haveIn't been able to unleash everything on my mind so I guess I'm dumping it all here because it needs to come out.

My bottom dysphoria has gotten worse since I had top surgery in 2016 which was a fear of mine but the last month it's been the worst it's ever been. My sister in law came out as trans just over a year ago and she transitioned really quickly and had bottom surgery a couple weeks ago and while I am super happy for her that she was able to take that step, it's stirred up a lot of feelings about that for me. I'm extremely dissatisfied with the growth I've had on T, definitely on the smaller side of the spectrum. I feel it's a big reason why I've made 0 effort to date. I'm primarily attracted to women but the idea of sex with a woman esp a cis woman with my current downstairs set up makes my dsyphoria worse and I am not romantically attracted to guys. I've been struggling with STPs too. At first it was super validating and awesome to be able to stand to pee and use a urinal. My first one was the p style which was pretty foolproof for me even when I really have to go or have been drinking though super irritating to carry such a bulky thing in my pocket. I invested in the ezp a year or so ago and it's been good and bad, it looks amazing but I hate the way it packs and fear anyone brushing up my crotch when I am wearing it since it's not a realistic feel. I still occasionally leak using it too, but after the reviews of other products, I don't think there's much better out there, the 'leak proof lip' is a must and nothing else seems to have that and is sturdy. Regardless of how good an stp is, I still have to either walk around with stray pee in my pants or have to wipe and both make me dysphoric. Not having an stp makes me feel worse so I continue to carry one of them always because I get anxiety without it, I just don't get the validating feeling anymore. I want surgery so bad and have a fear of aging and dying in the current body I have, but at the same time, it's absolutely not financially feasible for me- saving for top surgery out of pocket was hard enough and I have some major non transition expenses coming up eventually that I was putting off during the years I was saving for top surgery that I can't delay long enough to be able to save for bottom surgery. Even if money wasn't an issue I just couldn't emotionally handle such an intense and intimate surgery at this point in my life. Meta sounds like a more manageable option than phallo, but I just don't have the growth I want to get a meta result I'd be satisfied with and I don't think DHT would get me there either. It doesn't help I had to deal with getting a pap less than a week before my sister in law had surgery which made me feel extra shitty about myself.

The other big thing is I'm about to lose the cat I grew up with and am super attached too on a level I've never been with any other pet. I've gone through putting pets down before but losing Beauty is hurting me so much more than others. She came into my life when I was 9. She helped me through a lot of really dark times in my life (basically upper elementary school when my depression started to high school). I was severely depressed and suicidal and struggled with self harm all throughout high school and had a lot of tension with my parents during that entire time as well. She was constantly there and could sense when I was upset and came over and let me love on her. She's also one of the few cats who love belly rubs too. She's 18 and she's been declining. She's had pancreatitis for 5 years which we've been able to manage with steroids but over the summer she found out she has kidney disease and it's progressing and it's hard to tell how she's really doing since cats always hide their pain until it's unbearable. My parents are putting her down on the 17th and I'm really struggling with that. In a way I'm glad to know a date and have an opportunity to say goodbye since they didn't tell me they put the other cat down until after the fact a few years ago so I couldn't say goodbye. It also sucks knowing because I'm constantly thinking about her and knowing it's her last full Saturday, etc. I watched my grandpa die before my eyes and was actually the one to tell everyone else in the room, not even the hospice nurse noticed when she literally listened to his heart after he passed which pissed me off. I don't ever want to witness death again bc even though it was peaceful and natural and expected, it was still kind of traumatic to see and I'll always remember the one tear that rolled down his cheek the moment he passed. I definitely can't watch Beauty go esp with it being an 'unnatural death' even though I know it's the right thing to do. I also feel so much guilt because even though Beauty is declining, she probably could have had longer if we weren't all going out of town as a family for a week and a half at the end of the month. The last time my parents went out of town for a week in the summer she got really sick and was near death and we don't want to put her through that again. Then shortly after the vacation, my parents are moving. There's no way she'd be able to handle all that.

It doesn't help all this shit is going down in February which is usually my worst month of the year. I suffer from SAD pretty bad in the winter and every year seems to be worse. I absolutely loathe winter, esp west michigan winters which I still cannot get adjusted to despite living out here for 8 years almost now. I really want to move somewhere without winter but can't afford to change my cheap living situation or give up my job which has summers off which helps my SAD bc it absolutely kills me being stuck inside at work when it's nice out when I know a third of the year here is absolute shit. Luckily my vacation is to Arizona, so I'll be able to have a week of sunshine and warmth and I really hope I can heal from all this shit a bit there but fear my guilt and emotions will interfere. I haven't felt this down in a very long time and I fear slipping back into another major depressive episode. Being an ex psych major, I know the odds are stacked against me, I've had MDD twice and I know the odds of an eventual reoccurance are high. I've lived with dysthymia for years and been able to manage that but really don't want to slip again. I can't really afford to be spending money on therapy right now. I hope it all sorts itself out in the upcoming months but I just dont know.

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

5/12/17, 11:11pm - gettin cucked up

me and a particular group of my melee friends have been using the word cuck a lot still and I never really thought about where it came from. Like 4chan probably repopularized the use of the word because I saw that cuckold porn became a really big trend on there, but the way we use it isn’t like cuckoldry exactly, it’s more like getting fucked over, or stood up, or most specifically teased with a promise of a good time and then having someone back out at the last minute.

More on that later I guess. This week’s been so hectic. Wtf it’s only been like 5 days it feels like it’s been weeks already. I’ve restrategized my Get Your Shit Together (4.0) list, and the big three things are 1. pass the RPSGT, 2. get moved out of my apartment, 3. get some surgeries. 

Tony actually wrote my letter for real, so I put in my application to take the test this week! My cpr aed certification is outdated so I got an online one and I’m not allowed, so I have to do a course this weekend and fix that, but otherwise I’m all set. Gotta study hard, I’m pretty fucking pumped to get a raise. Glad I’m not dying for the money rn though, the $500 to take the test and get a new cpr cert would have me stresssssed the fuck out, dude.  No progress on getting someone to take my room just yet, my room’s a fucking mess, I need to do laundry, I’m kinda putting all this shit off for now tbh. We’ll wait until I’ve taken the exam I’ve got vacation this week anyway. And I talked to my dad, who gave me his blessing so to speak to get a vasectomy. I fudged a number that I told him, said that it’s 90% reversible (most numbers say 95% or greater w/in 3 years, about 50% at 10), but with the potential for in vitro fertilization even if the reversal fails I’m sure that’s about right. He told me that my mom had told him that she wasn’t trying to get pregnant for a year or so and then ‘was practically pregnant the next day.’ coupled with how mom was talking about being pregnant at their wedding I can see that lol. He basically told me that he loves all of us a lot, but yeah I would’ve definitely done that because it’s worth it to not have that kind of surprise when you can’t make money for a kid. I definitely can’t make money for a kid right now lol that would kill me. So I’ve already called the doc to get a referral and I’m gonna get a vasectomy. Gotta figure out how much my septum surgery will be too, but that’ll be a lot more -_- Me and dad were catching up for a bit and I helped him get in touch with Dr. Bruce to fix a hernia so he’s gonna be giving me some more money so that’ll help with that too though. Plus I’ll FINALLY be making sleep tech money. I’m so fucking pumped.

Plus basically the past 3 days I’ve Actually just been working. 3 patients a night for the first time this week was stressful as fuck. I mean not exactly. Just time consuming and pretty frustrating. As jimmy said “if you were still trying to get through Zelda you probably would be dying right now.” Made it through fine and that should sweeten up my paycheck just a smidgen.

Still haven’t eaten french fries, but definitely gave up on cigs. Practically like two days later. I was out drinking for Josh’s birthday and smoked a bunch. That shit was so fucking cash omg. I got blackout drunk for the first time in forevvver. Was hanging out with Jimmy, Josh, Ian, Jack, ran around with one of josh’s friends trying to pick up chicks at a bar after smashing beers into our head and shotgunning them. I have a video lol I’ll try to upload it once I have internet. Was trying to ‘flirt with all the ASA bitties’ but got too drunk and ended up boxing someone in Josh’s friend’s basement (w/ boxing gloves) lmfao. Reminded me of middle school boxing Cory Winters and having our little fight club ring lol. Drunk snapped a bunch of people, ian drove me home, it was a great fucking night. Oh and at Josh’s friend’s I ran into one of my asian friends who I could not remember for the life of me. I wasn’t sure if he was a league friend or one of brosciouss friends or a smash friend I was just so lost, but played it off really well (as always) and did jager shots with him. Fuck. Ing. Lit. First time I felt so happy and natural to be drinking in forever, too. Even got to see brett3 for a bit. Nice to be back in chapel hill. Especially when they’re good old drinking buddies like Jack. It’s so strange that I don’t really talk to anybody else from chapel hill, but then again it really isn’t. 

The date with Brianna went pretty meh. We met up and joked around a bunch and thrift shopped and I bought a whole fuckton of new pants to ease the process of spring cleaning and two new sweatshirts so I’m not wearing fuzzy shit all the time now that it’s getting warmer. Ate at Ms. Winner’s and it was some delicious ass cheap fried chicken, might be my new go to in gboro now. But she like barely wanted to kiss me at the end of the date idk what’s up with her, I’ve kinda bailed out since she’s all preoccupied with her family anyway.

Instead ive gone back to what I call my “harem strats” You see, by chatting up as many girls as possible (right now juggling 4-5) I divert my attention and stay aloof enough that I don’t seem like a crazy fuck. Instead I’m just an asshole who’s two timing girls, but yknow fuck you stop judging me.  This girl hit me up on snapchat saying I looked cute in my story and that we should smoke sometime. With the snapchat name Smokeahontas I could’ve sworn it was Kat, so I just go along with the convo. But then I see kat has a diff username and I was like wtfff who is this lol. I didn’t ask her though, just played along and eventually remembered when she asked for my insta that it was this girl I matched with on tinder months ago that I never followed up with (like most of them), probably because I got lazy lol.  Had a sort of date with Jamie, we got some food because she was getting off work, we smoked a bit, but she was like texting the whole time and fuckin bailed out after just an episode of south park to ‘go to the beach with her roommate.’ I still have been talking to her a bunch, but Idk what the fuck is up with that, kinda whack. Super cucked by how that went. Especially because when I walked her out to her car I didn’t even get a kiss goodnight it was this weird lasting embrace like she pressed her cheek into mine to make sure I didn’t try to kiss her I guess, but still held me tight for a really long time, I was like rubbing her lower back hoping she’d like loosen up and kiss me but hooooly shit it all felt super fucking awkward. I’m hoping she’s just really conservative about dudes since she’s such a cutie, but idk. it makes me actually not give a fuck about her. I have a date tomorrow night with the other textiles girl idr if I wrote about her, but she’s cute, going to ncsu. “allergic to smoke” lol I told her I quit. (I mean I had that day before but I lied and said I did two weeks ago hahah goddamn I’m kind of a twat maybe.) Also actually got cucked by smokeahontas. It was like a situation that was too good to be true though, to be fair. She didn’t have anything to do yesterday night and wanted to hang out; when I told her I was stuck at work and said she should just smoke with me in the morning she said she actually wanted to and would stay up all night to meet up with me when I got off. Ofc she fell asleep, and when she woke up she said she wanted to go back to bed, so I flippantly said “well you could always sleep over here.” and surprisingly enough she said she was actually game for that, so our smoke and horror movie date turned into a naptime date. But an hour passed while I was eating breakfast and in the shower so I was like ‘wtf is up’ and she said she got sick and threw up. Figured I was super cucked once more by another flaker, kind of a bummed out, but not as bummed as after the dates with Jaime and Bri both went so poorly lol. Just happily told her we can try again another time, and now she’s saying she wants to do the same plan for tomorrow morning. 

So There. Is. The potential for me to get laid twice tomorrow. Pretty exciting. I haven’t told anyone that I remade plans with her though. RIGHT after I told some friends about how the nap date got planned out she said she was sick. I FUCKING swear that every time I brag about one of my dates I have lined up it falls the fuck through the floor. So I’m gonna try to never do it again. 

Then there’s this other theatre major girl I started talking to yesterday. Talked about horoscopes and transitioned from talking feminism to her (woke as fuck teens smh) into asking if she ate ass (jokingly) into asking if she wanted to hang. Turns out she’s actually a really cool super geeky chick and I’m really excited to spend time with her since she wants to show me jurassic park for the first time and learn how to play melee. Kinda weird that she’s only 18 still though O.o oh you, tyler. 

SO yeah. That’s the sitch with that. Went from supppper fucking bummed a couple days ago about my dating situation into thinking that I’m the shit again. I think I want to establish that “i’m the best” mentality once again. Because I really am. I’m fucking amazing lmao. 

Ultimately though, I’m still getting cucked left and right and I have little to no faith that I’ll find anybody I actually care about ever again but we’ll see yknow. I think that’s the strats to how I fell in love last time anyway.

hmmm. what else is there... Work in burlington is still super shitty, my commute went from an hour to like an hour and forty minutes today bc people in NC can’t drive through a little bit of fucking drizzling. 

Idk that’s about all I’ve got. Next week’s lake week so gonna have to work again in a few days after some date shenanigans and hopefully I’ve got some more good stories and shit.