#I’m not above some petty romantic drama

[silksinging]

I find it so funny how the movie made such a big deal out of Cleo and Deuce having broken up, and it’s this whole dramatic angsty thing and the first piece of info that’s given to us about these characters

And then in the cartoon show it’s just like. “yeah we dated for a bit but we’re defs better as friends, anyway-“ at like. episode 29.

[norwegianpornfaerie]

Dear Yuletide Writer Letter - 2023

Dear Yuletide Writer

Thanks so much for checking my letter! Most of what's here is also in my sign-up, but I've added some extra bits, including my preferences for stories in general. Have a very happy Yuletide - it's my favorite time of year!

First things first: With absolute honesty, I would much rather you write something you are comfortable with and that interests and inspires you, rather than trying to bed over backwards and struggle to make your fic conform to prompts and suggestions you’re not feeling. I’m assuming you signed up to write my fandoms and characters because you have a genuine love for and interest in them, and that’s what makes for the best stories. So let the optional details be optional, and take the below as a guideline for those who prefer it.

However, if you WOULD like more details, I would be delighted if you would consider the below:

Things I really enjoy:

Humor! The perfect story, to me, has a curated balance of comedy and drama. Humor is life, and stories that are entirely without it often seem lifeless, to me. I am not, of course, suggesting that everything should be a comedy, but that humor complements tragedy and vice versa. Make me laugh at some point in your story, and I will be very happy indeed.

First time stories! I absolutely prefer this to anything else, in relationship-focused stories. As I tend to say, I’m secretly an 18th century romantic poet. Slow burn, UST, all that good stuff. I realize you’ve got limited time and limited words here, but whatever you can give, I will happily accept.

Casefic! I love detective stories, especially the classics, so anything in that vein will make me very happy indeed.

Plot. Plooooot! Plot is delicious. I don’t mind character studies, but a good plot will make me happier than anything.

Explicit sex. I’m pretty vanilla, but I don’t mind reading kink. If you enjoy writing that sort of thing, I am a sucker for a well-written explicit sex scene, no matter the flavor!

World-building. In science fiction or fantasy canons in particular, I can never get enough of this. Let me know what people have for breakfast, how their clothes are made, where they shop, where they go on vacation and how - tell me about the three seashells! (#ObscureDemolitionManReference) In short: Details! 

Various preferences: If I’ve specified a ship and you don’t like it, please don’t feel obligated to write it. However, I would really rather you did not write those characters into other ships in the story (unless it’s canonical, or mentions of past relationships). Likewise, please don’t erase canonical love interests. AUs are OK, but I would really rather read about the canon universe.

Now, author, if you’ve read the above and think “but I only write gen” or “but I hate plotty stories” or “I couldn’t write casefic to save my life” - really, really don’t worry. You matched with me because you like one or more of the same fandoms and characters as me, and that’s more than enough. I trust you to write the best story you can, and that means writing it the way YOU want to. I’m obviously very happy if you chose to include some of my likes, but don’t feel forced to do so.

If you’ve read all the above, and you’re still not sure about something, maybe my fics on AO3 might be helpful? I generally like to read the same type of stuff I write.

Jeeves & Wooster  

Reginald Jeeves

Bertram "Bertie" Wooster

This is one of my comfort fandoms. I take such joy in the language - Wodehouse was a magician when it comes to words - and the characters and the masterful plots... but mostly in Jeeves. I have great affinity for Bertie and identify with him to a great extent, and so it's no wonder that I, too, am deeply fond of Jeeves. I see Jeeves as a deeply feeling person, who only appears cold and unflinching on the surface due to superhuman discipline. He is a man of scintillating intelligence, who also can be petty and jealous when the mood strikes. It is the character interaction and interpersonal relationship I adore the most, as well as the clever, intelligent humor.

Wants: I do ship these two, and I would absolutely adore some UST ending in, erm, resolved tension. If you don't care to write that, I'd love a story based on their mutual admiration and friendship. Ideally, I would prefer a story written in first person. Bertie, of course, narrates most of the stories in canon, but if you are more of a Jeeves, or would rather write in his voice, nothing would please me more. I believe Bertie is genuinely intelligent and clever, and I love when this is shown in writing. Particularly if Jeeves comes to realize it/comes to Bertie's defense if someone belittles him.

Do Not Wants: Jeeves or Bertie paired with other characters. Jeeves or Bertie dying. No PWP, please, I prefer my porn with added plot. No hurt without comfort. No mention of bodily fluids other than blood, semen or saliva in a sexual context. No body horror/permanent disfigurement.

Oxventure: Blades in the Dark  

Barnaby Fortescue III

Edvard Lumière

While I am not at all disappointed with the ending, I hate the idea of never knowing what happens next! I love both the setting and the characters, and particularly how the tone walks such a perfect line between horror, humor and realism. Can there be three sides to a line? There can now; Edvard will make it work, somehow. I've picked my two favorite characters - I enjoy Edvard for his delightful and wild innoventions, and his eclectic personality. He's an interesting mix of cynical and blindly optimistic, with just a hint of madness. That being said, Barnaby is my absolute favorite. The idea of a man who takes to a life of crime because he thinks it might be "a bit of fun", and then ends up being accidentally really good at it is absolutely brilliant. He also seems to have some unexpected character growth, particularly toward the end. I do not peresonally ship these two, but I don't mind if you do and would like to write them that way. (Genuinely. I know I'd worry if I saw that in a prompt, so let me assure you: It is more than fine to write Edvard/Barnaby slash.).

Exception to both characters being featured: As I mentioned, Barnaby is my absolute favorite. So long as he is featured, it's okay to not feature Edvard. That doesn't mean I don't want to see Edvard, just that it's okay if you'd prefer not to write about him.

Wants:  I really just want to see what happens next. That said, if you haven't finished the series yet - don't worry! I'm more than happy to read a story from earlier in the series. I'm a sucker for casefic, particularly detective fiction, so if you'd like to try your hand at that, I'd be a very happy recipient! I'd also love to read more about Barnaby in general, and perhaps something more about Edvard's past? And of course, there's worldbuilding - what is the world like, now? (Or what was it like, if you're writing from before the ending.) Oh, and references to other Oxventure stuff would be wonderful; I would love to see more than the few glimpses we got in canon.

Do Not Wants: Alternate Universes. So much of what I enjoy about this series is the setting. Explicit sex is fine, but no PWP, please, I prefer my porn with added plot. No mention of bodily fluids other than blood, semen or saliva in a sexual context. No body horror/permanent disfigurment. No permanent character deaths.

Robot Series - Isaac Asimov

R. Daneel Olivaw

Elijah Baley

Caves of Steel is probably my favorite novel of all time, but I adore all of these books. I am very fond of Daneel and Elijah. I find the world they inhabit fascinating, both the future society of Earth, and that of the Outer Worlds. As I love detective fiction, science fiction and especially robots, these stories may as well have been written specifically for me. Part of the appeal, for me, is how they manage to deliver both an entertaining mystery and heart-felt interpersonal drama in a world that feels real. Daneel is one of my favorite fictional characters; the way his empathy and personality shines through his programming and limitations. And Lije is the ultimate cynical, world-weary everyman - together, they are a pair of detectives that deserve to be up there with Holmes and Poirot.

Wants:  Casefic. Seriously, if you can write me casefic for this fandom, I will be delighted. A murder mystery would be fantastic. I do ship Daneel and Elijah, and I would love to read about the unresolved tension between them. Explicit sex would be great! World-building and exploring whichever location they are at, be itsomewhere on Earth or one of the Outer Worlds, or on a space ship or station, etc. Exploration of Daneel's character; Lije stuggling to come to terms with his feelings for him - preferably romantic feelings, but if you don't want to write that, feelings of deep friendship. Bickering and banter and held-back affection!

Do Not Wants: Daneel or Elijah paired with other characters. Canonical relationships are okay to mention or feature, so long as they are not the main focus of the story. Daneel or Elijah explicitly written to be straight. No mention of Elijah's death, please, and no mention of Daneel's ultimate fate - though a story reuniting them after Elijah's death would be more than welcome. No PWP, please, I prefer my porn with added plot. No hurt without comfort. No mention of bodily fluids other than blood, semen or saliva in a sexual context. No body horror/permanent disfigurment.

[zodiactalks]

Zodiac Signs Ranked from Least to Most Forgiving

It is said that forgiveness is one of the best things we can do. That letting go of grievances can only benefit us, and that resentment is more hurtful for those who feel them than anyone else.

While this is generally true, forgiveness doesn't come easy to everyone, and some zodiac signs are far less likely to forgive than others.

These are the zodiac signs, ranked from the least, to the most forgiving.

#1. Taurus

Though they're represented by the bull, Taurus are a little like elephants in this respect: They do not forgive.

They don't trust easily and will take years to build a solid friendship or romantic relationship, so they take betrayals particularly hard.

Most Taureans won't look for revenge, but there's no going back once they've decided you're out of their life. If you cross them, you're dead to them.

#2. Scorpio

Scorpio takes trust and loyalty very seriously, so when someone wrongs them, they're not going to be understanding about it.

Anyone who hurts or betrays them or their loved ones has gained an enemy for life, and unlike other signs in this list, Scorpios pursue revenge.

When angered, they're coldhearted and inventive, and they'll steep as low as they have to if that means payback.

#3. Capricorn

Capricorns are perfectly capable of forgiving and maybe even give second chances, but they rarely do it out of the kindness of their hearts.

If you've hurt them, betrayed their trust, or simply pissed them off beyond all logic, they'll take a far more business-like approach to interacting with you.

They'll still keep you in their lives...if there's something to gain from it. If you can't offer anything other than your friendship, they'll pass, since they know you're not a very good friend, to begin with.

#4. Libra

You'd think a sign known for its balanced approach to life would be more forgiving, but the truth is that Libra knows better than to forgive blindly.

Let's be clear; Libra will forgive all kinds of transgressions, but only once. Betray them again, and it's game over.

Come to think of it, that's actually pretty balanced. They can't let the scales tip too much in one direction, after all.

#5. Virgo

Virgos forgive, but don't forget, and they sure as hell won't let the other party forget either.

They won't cut contact except for the most egregious situations, but even when they decide to keep you in their life, they'll bring back your transgression over and over again.

Virgo's forgiveness is so petty, most people prefer not to deal with it, often choosing to cut ties after too many reminders of what they did wrong.

#6. Leo

Leos have no problem forgiving, but you need to make a show of it.

Saying 'I'm sorry' isn't going to cut it. They want you to grovel and prove that you actually feel bad about what you did. The more regretful you look and sound, the better.

If you can do something to make up for whatever you did that upset them, then go for it. That'll speed up the process.

If you can't, then you better learn how to cry on command.

#7. Sagittarius

Sagittarians are practical people, who either cut people out of their lives or give them second chances.

Usually, what determines the decision they'll take is their level of closeness to you. If they barely know you, you're out. If you're a friend, then you get a second chance.

Emphasis on the 'a second chance' part of that sentence. Though Sagittarians are willing to forgive, their goodwill isn't endless.

#8. Gemini

Geminis take a balanced approach to forgiveness, measuring the level of the transgression, and reacting accordingly.

If you accidentally hurt their feelings, betrayed their trust without meaning to, and generally made a mistake, they'll be willing to forgive, even more than once.

If you hurt their feelings on purpose, broke their heart, or betrayed them seriously, then that's it. They're done with you for good.

#9. Aries

Arians forgive easily because they just don't care. Seriously.

They'll explode and rage for a moment, and then they'll be back to their usual, mellow selves. They have no time or energy for resentment, revenge, or any of that nonsense.

They'll forgive friends, family, and even perfect strangers, not wanting to deal with more drama than strictly necessary, though this can also lead them to cut people out of their lives.

It takes a lot to get there, though.

#10. Aquarius

Aquarians forgive because they treasure their relationships, be them platonic or romantic.

They don't want to give that up for a misunderstanding, and they're very likely to forgive if the offending party shows genuine regret.

Even Aquarians have their limits, though, so you don't want to push them too far, but they'll usually stick around past the reasonable point.

#11. Cancer

Cancers value their relationships above all else, so they're willing to put up with a crazy amount of drama and disrespect for their loved ones.

They'll give as many chances as needed, even if they're entirely aware that they shouldn't, or that they're being taken advantage of.

No matter how impractical or downright painful, they refuse to be the reason why a relationship ends.

#12. Pisces

Pisces are idealists who look at the world through rose-colored glasses and refuse to look at things as they are.

When it comes to people, Pisces are almost obsessed with seeing only the best in them, and will completely ignore all the bad, as if that makes it go away.

They're way too forgiving, and others are more than willing to take advantage of this trait.

[youngbounty]

Would Miles Edgeworth Recieve Mia Fey’s Blessing

One of the things I notice in Narumitsu headcanons, stories, comics, etc. on here is the idea that Mia would, for some reason, not support Phoenix dating Edgeworth. Now, Mia had died in Turnabout Sisters, meaning that she no longer has any business going into Phoenix’s life. Though, for the sake of using this argument, I’m going to use canon reasons for why I find this idea to be false. I’m also going to clarify that this is Phoenix Wright from the trilogy, so no one can use the “this is before *insert trilogy thing that happened* before Edgeworth was no longer an asshat.” We can all agree that Miles Edgeworth stopped being a complete and total asshat after Turnabout Goodbyes, right? Are we all in agreement to that? Good. Can we also agree that, due to Miles Edgeworth’s trauma he was dealing with, him and Phoenix had little to no interaction and could not have the foundations of any relationship whatsoever? Yes? Good. We are now on the same page, meaning that Phoenix could not be in a relationship of any kind with Miles Edgeworth before Turnabout Goodbyes where most of everyone would be raising some eyebrows at the idea of Phoenix Wright being in a relationship with Miles Edgeworth during his asshat days. Moving on.

Let’s start off with a possible time for Phoenix to start a relationship, ignoring the Dahlia/Iris situation because maybe Phoenix decided to settle down on a relationship despite his ex girlfriend drama from college. Since Miles Edgeworth would not be allowing contact of any kind with Phoenix until after Turnabout Goodbyes, we can start it out between Turnabout Goodbyes and the time he wrote ���Miles Edgeworth Chooses Death.” Now, what would Mia know about Miles Edgeworth at this point? To understand this, we need to go down the list of times when Mia had met with Miles Edgeworth. The first time was Turnabout Beginnings, being the reason why so many people think she would not support Phoenix having a relationship with him. But then, we also have Turnabout Sisters and Turnabout Samurai to consider. In Turnabout Sisters, Mia had possessed Maya in order to expose Redd White by handing Phoenix a list of people he had blackmailed, which Phoenix had presented to the court. In Turnabout Samurai, Mia had appeared to help Phoenix investigate and gain information from Cody, who becomes a valuable witness. She also appears with Phoenix during the second trial of Turnabout Samurai. She has witnessed Edgeworth’s general way of prosecuting, which was very normal for the most part. No withholding evidence or anything like what happened in Turnabout Sisters, if Mia ever knew what he did, or Turnabout Beginnings, which Mia did say that Edgeworth was affected by, after Terry Fawles’ suicide. Also, keep in mind that five years have passed since then, meaning that Mia can see some maturity on Edgeworth’s part. Wouldn’t be enough to consider him trustworthy, but not enough to automatically not take Phoenix’s word for it, if he says that Edgeworth isn’t a bad person. After this is Turnabout Goodbyes where Mia is never shown at any point, since Maya cannot summon her. 

With this, we can conclude that, while Mia does have reason to not consider Edgeworth a trustworthy man for Phoenix’s affections, due to Turnabout Beginnings, it’s also not enough to declare him as a bad person for Phoenix. If Phoenix has, indeed, known Miles Edgeworth as a child and had been around him more times than Mia was channeled, she has no reason to doubt Phoenix’s judgement. After all, if she was to speculate what kind of a man Miles Edgeworth is based on what she has seen from him, she doesn’t have a reason to say “no.” There is the possibility that Mia may’ve gotten the story of Edgeworth through Maya, but even that would also include the time Miles Edgeworth had helped out Phoenix in Turnabout Samurai. As for Turnabout Sisters, considering that Mia knows of Miles Edgeworth’s involvement with DL-6, she’d conclude that he was blackmailed by Redd White, who is known for blackmailing prosecutors, judges and all kinds of higher-ups, including Marvin Grossberg, who abandoned Maya’s defense for a painting. Between trusting your sister’s protection under a man that values his painting over her little sister and Phoenix trusting a man that was blackmailed by the same guy for being a possible killer of his father, Mia really wouldn’t have any room to talk. If anything, she’d be more understanding than anyone of Phoenix’s feelings. He trusts Edgeworth despite what kind of man he became. How can Mia not understand something like that? Doesn’t she also have someone that’s a prosecutor, who also became very bitter and cold after a certain case that will be brought back later after Turnabout Goodbyes? No, not Diego, I mean the other one that is Chief Prosecutor.

Now, at this point, Mia would question Phoenix if he is sure that Edgeworth is someone he can trust. Though, at the end of the day, Mia knows she doesn’t really know who Edgeworth is. Even Maya knows more of who Edgeworth is than Mia does. If Maya is supportive of Phoenix being in a relationship with Edgeworth, then I don’t see why Mia couldn’t be. I also don’t see why Maya wouldn’t be supportive of their relationship, after Turnabout Goodbyes, so there shouldn’t be a problem. Mia will have no problem. She trusts Phoenix and Maya. It does not matter that Edgeworth was an asshat in Turnabout Beginnings, because that was five years ago and, as far as Mia is concerned, Edgeworth has not proven to not be trustworthy. Even if she knew of what Miles Edgeworth did in Turnabout Sisters and Turnabout Samurai, she’d also know that Miles Edgeworth was likely blackmailed in Turnabout Sisters and helped out phoenix in Turnabout Samurai. Mia would especially give Edgeworth her blessing, if she knew what had happened in Turnabout Goodbyes. In conclusion, Mia Fey would be supportive of Phoenix’s relationship with Edgeworth?

What about the events of Justice For All then? Wouldn’t Edgeworth, leaving the fake suicide note and Phoenix hurt and angry be enough to damage any blessing Mia would have for Edgeworth? Absolutely not! First off, we need to clarify when Phoenix would’ve been able to start any relationship with Edgeworth. Since Miles Edgeworth was studying abroad in Europe until Farewell my Turnabout, we can conclude that it would’ve been then. At this point, only Pearl would’ve been able to summon Mia and there is no way Phoenix would break the News to her, unless he wants a whoopin from a passionate Pearly, who thinks Phoenix is Maya’s special someone. Now, Phoenix could break the news to Mia, while she is being summoned, but then that would mean it would have to have been during trial or the Defendant’s Lobby, most likely the Defendant’s Lobby and away from Matt Engarde’s ears. Sounds like the only reasonable times Phoenix would’ve started a relationship with Edgeworth before informing Mia? Good.

At this very moment, Mia has seen Phoenix’s anger over Edgeworth leaving the suicide note. If she didn’t know about the events of Turnabout Goodbyes, she’d still be aware that Edgeworth was dealing with personal issues. She knows about DL-6, so she can make her own conclusions. If anything, Phoenix would be more upset than Mia, who’d be more sympathetic than anything. Though, I doubt if Mia didn’t know about the events of Turnabout Goodbyes, considering that Maya would definitely want to tell the story to her sister, since it does affect them and what happened to their mother. At the time Phoenix would have the opportunity to start a relationship with Edgeworth, even while ignoring his anger towards Edgeworth for the fake suicide note, Mia would experience the outcome of it. She’d see that Edgeworth is making sacrifices and doing everything he can to find Maya. Mia would be the most dependent on Edgeworth. The fact Phoenix told Mia that he can’t break Edgeworth’s trust, after everything he’s done, then realizing that he trusted Edgeworth before getting the, “yes, you do,” from Mia, tells us how much she knows about Phoenix’s feelings. If Phoenix loves and trusts Edgeworth, Mia would understand and, again, support it. Why wouldn’t she support Phoenix dating the man that saved her sister? After Farewell my Turnabout, I can’t see Mia not finding the events of Turnabout Beginnings being water under the bridge. 

Any other time passed Farewell my Turnabout should be proven what I’ve mentioned above. As I said, after Farewell my Turnabout, I can’t see Mia not allowing the events of Turnabout Beginnings being water under the bridge or bygones be bygones. Mia has seen Edgeworth in court, how he conducts a trial and how he handles a situation of blackmail and hostages, which was better than Grossberg ever did. How could Mia not give Edgeworth her blessing, after he saved her sister from Shelly De Killer of all people? Even Phoenix would let bygones be bygones, if someone like Manfred Von Karma did the same for Trucy in a similar fashion. 

Mia isn’t stupid or petty. She might be a protective mother of sorts, but she’s not going to dictate who Phoenix has feelings for or how he lives his life. Now, Mia did tell Phoenix to forget about Dahlia and never bothering to mention about Iris, but that could be more for Iris’ sake than Phoenix’s. I’m sure Mia did intend on informing Phoenix or having him reunite with Iris at some point, but Iris was escaping from an abusive situation with her sister. The point is, Mia isn’t someone that’s going to keep Phoenix from pursuing a romantic relationship. It’s not to say she won’t warn Phoenix, if he is dating someone that he shouldn’t trust, but in the case of Miles Edgeworth, Mia won’t need to. Any point in time that Phoenix would start a relationship with Edgeworth, Mia would have no reason to object to it. She may get upset, if the relationship started before the suicide note, but again, Farewell my Turnabout will be enough to let that be water under the bridge. 

This goes into my main issue with having Mia be upset or “concerned” for Phoenix having a relationship with Edgeworth. It makes her seem petty and hypocritical and Mia is anything, but that. I’m sure a lot of people will be like, “you’d be angry too, if someone called you a ‘bimbo.’” Aside from the fact that was in the English version and we don’t know if that’s what he actually called her in the original Japanese, that was said on trial. It’s expected for the opposing attorneys to rip each other a new one. Heck, even Mia wasn’t afraid to rip Edgeworth or even Godot a new one. That’s kinda expected in court. If it is because of Edgeworth withholding evidence and a witness, how is that any different from what’s expected or even better than what Lana Skye did, who was supposedly Mia’s college friend. Even Mia’s boyfriend said that was expected. Also, keep in mind that it was their first case that took place five years prier to Phoenix meeting Edgeworth again. 

I think the reason people have Mia respond negatively to Phoenix dating Edgeworth is mostly because they see Turnabout Beginnings and think, “Oooooh, Mia must not like Edgeworth then” and I find that to be inaccurate. True, Mia didn’t like Edgeworth in Turnabout Beginnings, but other things have happened since then. Edgeworth had helped out Phoenix, saved Maya, helped make peace with Franziska and will eventually help Phoenix again in T&T by going in his stead. That’d be like making the claim that Phoenix would have an issue with Apollo dating Klavier, if that were possible, which would make Phoenix look hypocritical and petty. Does the main conflict for Phoenix dating Edgeworth have to involve a third party or his mentor/parental figure being overprotective? No romantic relationship is without its hurtles and, more times than not, it isn’t by a third party. If a parental figure gets involved, it often means the two were never meant to be together to begin with. 

Considering what Mia saw with Edgeworth and even the kind of people she trusted like Grossberg, who threw her sister under the bus over an ugly ass painting, I doubt Mia would find it a big deal for Phoenix to pursue a romantic relationship with Edgeworth. At best, she might be skeptical, if it happened before the suicide note, but would be completely fine if it was after or during Farewell my Turnabout. Now, Maya pursuing a relationship with Franziska, on the other hand, might be a different story, but that’s for another topic.

What do you guys think?

[v-thinks-on]

By Jeeves!

Andrew Llyod Webber and Alan Ayckbourn’s “By Jeeves” is a fun, highly entertaining, somewhat understated musical, with a lot of funny moments. It recounts the silly misadventures of foolish young Bertie Wooster and his friends, aided (and humiliated) by his long-suffering valet, Jeeves. I recommend watching it if you can - I saw it for the first time Saturday night as part of The Shows Must Go On, but I’m afraid it stopped being available for free on Youtube at 7pm BST Sunday.

All of that said, it’s not exactly how I’d choose to adapt Jeeves and Wooster to musical theater. For one, the characters were a little bit altered from their usual loveable, if troublesome selves and, unusually for an Andew Lloyd Webber production, the music seemed to essentially be an afterthought. I haven’t done it much on here, but I happen to have a hobby of rewriting movies, shows, books, and the like. So, with no offense intended to the original, here are some of my thoughts on how I’d approach a Jeeves and Wooster musical:

Make it big. Jeeves and Wooster could work really well as a comic opera along the lines of Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro. Make it big and a little melodramatic, full of as many comedic misunderstandings as a Shakespeare comedy. I would keep it in a pastoral setting at a big country house, and add a grand central number: a whole-cast love song with everyone singing about the wrong person, and Wooster tied up hopelessly in the middle of it. That song can then come back around at the end with everyone singing at the right person.

Give it more music. Webber has shown his musical range in Cats, and that could be put to great use with Jeeves and Wooster. Aside from the big romantic ensemble number above, I would give the leads their own styles. Jeeves isn’t inclined to do much singing, but in the musical he did a brief patter song, where he half-spoke half-sung at a rapid-fire pace that worked well and he should do more of it, going back and forth with Wooster and the rest of the cast. Also, he’s most likely a bass, so he could sing an absurdly low note for comedic effect at some point. Wooster can sing the sort of fun, period-appropriate tunes he might sing over the course of an episode of the television show. If you have the right actor for it, maybe even give Wooster a chance to play the piano. Otherwise, some jazz would be perfect to fit the 1920’s theme.

Let Jeeves be petty. Though Jeeves at times humiliated Wooster in the musical, he didn’t get to be silly himself, whereas in the stories he isn’t above giving Wooster the cold shoulder for upwards of a month for the crime of wearing the wrong cumberbund (in his defense, it was crimson!). Give me a song early on about what Wooster should and shouldn’t wear, showing off Jeeves’s pettiness and Wooster’s stubbornness and letting them bounce off each other. This can feed into a larger conflict...

Give Jeeves and Wooster more plot. The musical made some effort to have a conflict between Jeeves and Wooster, but it should be more central and have a little more time to develop, since they’re the emotional core of the show. Maybe start with them bickering over clothing at the beginning and have the tension build over the course of the musical, though there should, of course, be good moments between them too. I would have Jeeves and Wooster’s conflict parallel whatever romance troubles are going on among Wooster’s friends, so they can sing parts of the same songs, but while Wooster’s friends are singing about their love lives, Jeeves and Wooster can sing about their own conflict.

Further complications. With everything else going on, this is probably too much to add, but I thought I ought to mention it anyway. One particularly interesting thing about the musical was that it had a nested narrative, with Wooster in universe telling/performing a story about one of his previous misadventures. This is a nice way to integrate Wooster’s narrative voice, which is a highlight of the stories (though it’s completely absent from the television show and that works fine too). If the framing device stays, I would blur the line between the show and the show-within-a-show a little more than the musical does already. I would simplify the plot of the show-within-the-show and add a different love triangle among the actors, both involving Wooster, of course, so both dramas can unfold and resolve concurrently.

[salthaven]

Make a Change P15 (an Explanation and Summary)

Part Fifteen (An Explanation and Summary)

So, as I recently posted, I don’t plan to continue this story any longer. As much as I loved writing it, I also...fell out of love, I suppose. I just don’t have the time, passion, or motivation to try forcing myself to write it anymore, and it’s unfair to you guys to have to accept a sloppy second, something thrown onto a document for the sake of a word count and an update. I want to write stuff I’m proud of, and that just wasn’t happening with this story.

That said, one reader asked for a summary, so that they could get some closure. Luckily, I have some notes that I took as I planned the story and started writing it, and I thought you’d like to see some of them. This includes three things: 1. The schedules for most of the main characters 2. The heroes I was planning on bringing in and 3. All of the ideas I had for “Who on Earth will Marinette end up with?” (This was a doozy.) Along with this, I want to talk about other pairings I had in mind. 

With that all said, let’s hop right in!

The Schedules:

I really planned out their schedules, just so I could start figuring out who the Quantic Kids would be. I had a general idea in mind: Each student at Collège des Arts would have to take their four core classes (History, Language Arts, Mathematics, and Science), a language, and then their last period would be a two hour block that focused on their artistic talent. I set it up this way so that I could integrate the Quantic Kids into Marinette’s life. (Along with this, I made it so the whole school had lunch after fourth hour, so that the morning had four hours of classes, and the afternoon had three. I note this, because some schools separate lunches based on fourth hour, so that there is an A, B, and C lunch. I...did not feel like dealing with that, and I wasn’t sure how French schools do it but I doubt it’s like that.) 

Marinette Dupain-Cheng’s schedule: 

1. History (right next to Félix, later on stuck between him and Adrien) The original plan never had Adrien’s arrival, it was supposed to be a moment of comic relief where Marinette and Félix were just kind of half awake and barely conscious at any given time during first hour. This is why their history teacher, Mr. Marcel, was either wide awake or dead asleep. I thought it’d be a cute moment to show off the dynamics of their exhaustion or energy, depending on the day. I didn’t show this off nearly as much as planned, however, because I shifted my focus soon after.

2. Language Arts (with Allegra). A nice, calmer class seemed perfect for Marinette, who’d probably still be waking up. Allegra is calm and classy, so it only made sense to pair the two up for the second hour.

3. Science (Claude’s here!) Loud and exciting, just like their class seems to be, it was a perfect pairing. 

4. Math (with Allegra and Claude) I wanted to show off Allegra and Claude’s...chaotic dynamic. 

5. English (with Allan) Marinette wants to be a fashion designer, and she had to take a language, so she thought “hey, fashion is pretty big in America, let’s learn English”. (It was also the only class I could think of that she and Allan would take...more on that later.)

6. Fashion Design. Pretty self-explanatory.

Allegra: 

1. German. Allegra likes opera music, and wanted to mimic the sound of some German singers accurately. 

2. Language Arts (with Marinette, as mentioned above)

3. Science (a different teacher than Marinette and Claude, though. What a pity) (Also I apparently called it ‘physics’ in my notes and I just noticed.) 

4. Math (With Marinette and Claude)

5. History

6. Choir (She’s a singer.)

Claude Mercury:

1. English (It was for the theatre, but also for Shakespeare, but more accurately….for Shakespeare’s more inappropriate humor.) (and memes)

2. History

3. Science (with Marinette) (Lots of explosions and fires were planned)

4. Math (With Allegra and Marinette) 

5. Language Arts

6. Drama. He was just a simple thespian lad who wanted to have fun and make friends, what can I say?

Allan:

1. Math

2. Science

3. Language Arts

4. History

5. English (with Marinette) He likes hip hop and rap, and wanted to learn English rap, too. He, like Claude, also loves their memes, and I planned to have a few moments where he explained some to Marinette. 

6. Dance. Mainly hip hop, although the boy can break dance a little bit

Félix Agreste: 

1. History (with Marinette) He’s tired in the morning, but good at reciting dates. Again, had a lot more planned for this.

2. Math

3. Spanish. (“Come on, guys, it’s logical. It’s one of the most spoken languages in the world.” -Félix, probably.) I also planned for Félix to already know English. I wanted a cute chapter where he tutored Marinette, only for Claude to start dramatically monologuing because ‘why do you help her but never help me? The betrayal, Fe, the betrayal!’ 

4. Language Arts

5. Science

6. Music (he’s a piano boy in my heart) (maybe also good at violin) (a classy young man) 

Adrien Agreste:

1. History (with Marinette)

2. Language Arts (with Marinette)

3. Science (with Marinette)

4. Math (with Marinette)

5. Chinese (with Marin- oh, wait, we’re done with that!) This class, along with his next, is another reason Adrien relaxed so quickly at the school. By taking Chinese at school, he was able to convince his father to stop the at-home lessons, clearing up some of his schedule.

6. Music. Same as above, playing piano at school meant he didn’t have to do it at home so much.

The Heroes:

“But salthaven, you already introduced the heroes! Envision and Viperion, remember?” Haha, as if those were the only guys I had planned?

Yeah, I had more. Four more.

I wanted the Quantic Kids to be heroes. I had three of them for sure chosen, names and Miraculi assigned to them. (Allegra was my only problem child, but I’ll explain that below.)

The first was supposed to be Allegra. I was going to make her the Fox, with the name Mélodie. I’m pretty sure that was her original hero name, back during the PV stage of this show, and I wanted to pay an homage to her inspiration. But then Félix got it, because I didn’t end up giving him the Cat (yeah, I was really salty when I started this, and I was planning to go the same route that I do in my ao3 fic, Of Patience and Pettiness, and take away the Cat from Adrien to give to Félix.), as Adrien learned from his mistakes. So Allegra waits, and Envision springs to life with Viperion.

Next would be Allan. Miraculous: Bee. Name: Mellifury, based on Mellifura (aka the Africanized Killer Bee) + Fury. He was supposed to be an unexpected storm. A dancer, he uses rhythm in a way that throws off opponents. Uses the spinning top like it's another limb, throws the game way off when first introduced. 

Then we’d have Allegra. After a while, I decided that the Rabbit would be best suited for her. Messing with timelines is a tricky business, but Allegra has a knack for details and organization that would leave her cruising through her tasks with some practice. While it’s nothing musical, it would be fun to see. Name: Cottontail. 

Finally, after an interesting fight that would cause Nathalie to lose the Peacock...Claude would step in. Bold and flashy, the thespian knows how to strut his stuff. But again, he’s a thespian, and theatre kids know when it’s time to hide in the shadows and stay unseen and unheard. With dark blues that can hide in the name and stand out in the daylight, Claude would become Le Paon, turning the tide and becoming a major help for the team. [At first, he dealt with some sickness, but after a talk with Ladybug, who in turn talked to Fu, the Miraculous was fixed and Le Paon could fight as easily as the rest.] He’d use sentimentals wisely, although he’d have a bad habit of monologuing as he created them. 

The Ships:

The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Our first question: Who the hell was Marinette going to end up with? Well, that answer changed throughout the story.

The first choice: Félix. I wanted Marinette to move on from Agreste...and fall in love with Agreste. It humored me, and I was in love with a bunch of Felinette one shots at the time. (And, again, very salty towards Adrien at the moment.) 

But then I redeemed Adrien. No problem, I thought. Marinette could choose between one of the boys...and the other would date Luka! (I mean, did you see the Instagram picture of Luka and Adrien. Luka with either Agreste would be cute, just imagine the musical moments they could have together)

But then I Akumatized Juleka, and Luka was right there...and I made Marinette fall for all three guys. So I decided “Hey, she can just date all three!” And so that’s the final choice, because I’m apparently a sucker for poly ships. 

But I mentioned other ships, didn’t I? So let’s talk about those!

First: Luka with an OC. Yep, I was going to bring in a new girl. It was actually going to be one of my friends, due to a conversation we had that went as follows:

S.H. (Salthaven): So I’m thinking that I’m going to pair up Félix and Marinette. Thoughts?

F. (Friend): Okay, but what about Luka?

S.H.:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

F.: Well then pair me up with him!

So I did. Or I was going to...but then poly ship idea happened. 

As mentioned above, I also considered Luka with either of the Agreste boys. Whoever Marinette didn’t date. Again, couldn’t happen because I went for that sweet poly route. 

Finally: Claude and Allegra. What can I say, they act like an old married couple in my mind!

And that’s everything! Once all the heroes were chosen, and romantic confessions set aside, the Miraculous Team was going to gear up and take down Hawkmoth once and for all. Fun times, the end, we all get a happy ending.

So I hope that makes up for my rather abrupt end to this story. Thank you all for the time you put in, reading my writings, and I hope you enjoy the other works I plan to create! Until next time. <3

[mediaevalmusereads]

A Rogue By Any Other Name. By Sarah MacLean. New York: Avon, 2012.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Part of a Series? Yes, The Rules of Scoundrels #1

Summary: A decade ago, the Marquess of Bourne was cast from society with nothing but his title. Now a partner in London’s most exclusive gaming hell, the cold, ruthless Bourne will do whatever it takes to regain his inheritance—including marrying perfect, proper Lady Penelope Marbury. A broken engagement and years of disappointing courtships have left Penelope with little interest in a quiet, comfortable marriage, and a longing for something more. How lucky that her new husband has access to such unexplored pleasures. Bourne may be a prince of London’s underworld, but he vows to keep Penelope untouched by its wickedness—a challenge indeed as the lady discovers her own desires, and her willingness to wager anything for them... even her heart.

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: explicit sexual content, gambling

Overview: I don’t know how to rate this book. On the one hand, MacLean has a knack for writing addictive romances, and I found the heroine to be fairly complex and the crux of the plot to be compelling; but on the other hand, there were a lot of tropes I personally do not care for in this book, so enjoying it fully was difficult. I ultimately settled on giving A Rogue by Any Other Name 2 stars because of my subjective experience, not necessarily because MacLean is bad at her craft.

Writing: I found MacLean’s prose to be fairly well-crafted; not only does it flow well, but it also balances showing and telling. Sentences and descriptions are lush and emotive when they need to be, and slow and sensual when appropriate. MacLean also paces her novel fairly well; on the whole, the story (and sentences) moves along at a quick pace that doesn’t feel rushed, and moments that were more emotionally weighty felt like they had room to breathe.

Perhaps the most interesting thing MacLean does with her book’s structure is insert small excerpts of letters in between scenes or between chapters. These letters are written primarily from the heroine’s point of view, showing her attempts to write to the hero from the time he goes away to Eton to almost the present day. In my opinion, these letters were a good way to show that the heroine had a long history of trying to reach the hero, and I think it worked better than MacLean simply telling the reader in some flashback or climatic scene.

Plot: The main plot of this book follows Michael (the Marquess of Bourne) as he seeks revenge on Viscount Langford, the man who took his entire inheritance in a game of cards. After nearly ten years, he finds that Langford has lost his lands to the Marquess of Needham and Dolby, who has added them to his eldest daughter’s dowry. Bourne thus traps the eldest daughter in a compromising situation which forces them to wed, and he must devise a way to get back at Langford while also dealing with the angst that his marriage stirs up. Not only is his wife, Penelope, one of his dearest childhood friends, but Langford’s son is the third part to their inseparable childhood trio. Bourne must thus figure out whether revenge or love for his childhood friends is more important.

On top of that, Bourne is notorious for not only losing his inheritance, but for building back his fortune by running one of London’s most dangerous gambling dens. His reputation, as well as the scandal should the circumstances of his marriage leak out, is sure to cause harm to Penelope’s family by making it impossible for her younger sisters to marry.

Honestly, I was pretty intrigued by this plot. The question of what matters more, revenge or love, was a really interesting promise with a lot of potential for angst and moral dilemma. I think in general, MacLean handled the plot well by making Penelope a formidable force and making the details of the drama feel real. The thing I really didn’t like, however, was how the initial “marriage trap” went down. Bourne puts Penelope in a compromising situation by having her spend the night alone with him. To her credit, she tries to escape, and Bourne was 100% a horrible person for making her stay with him. I honestly felt like that wasn’t the problem, since it created high stakes and a flaw that Bourne had to atone for. Where it went wrong for me was in Bourne’s character and his actions. I think if Bourne had just blocked the door and prevented Penelope from leaving their shared room, it would have been sufficiently bad, but Bourne also picks up Penelope and spanks her before ripping her dress so that even if she escapes, she’s well and truly ruined. To me, picking up a woman and spanking her feels infantilizing, and it’s a misogynistic flaw that I simply can’t get over. I also feel like ripping her dress and exposing her constitutes sexual assault, and I couldn’t get over that either.

Characters: Penelope, our heroine, is fairly likeable at the start. She’s the eldest in a line of daughters whose spinsterhood threatens to ruin her sisters’ chances at finding matches, and her dilemma between doing right by her family and doing something for her own happiness was a compelling one. I liked that she was sharp-tongued to the point where she would say or withhold things from Bourne to hurt him; it made her seem flawed without being overly petty, mainly because most of the things that hurt him were borne out of her frustration over her situation. The main thing I didn’t like about her was that she didn’t seem to have any female friends, and when she met another woman who was beautiful or who may have shown interest in Bourne, she got absurdly jealous. To MacLean’s credit, Penelope never acts in hostility towards other women and eventually develops a kind of friendship with Bourne’s gorgeous housekeeper, but I found this jealousy over a man who does nothing but hurt her disappointing.

Bourne, our hero, is an archetype that I really don’t like: self-hating, brooding, controlling, and violent. While I liked his revenge vs love dilemma, I hated that he was self-loathing to the point of destroying everything around him (when he could have easily just... not). I think more could have been done to make him a selfish, obsessive, manipulating character without making him so controlling of Penelope. His actions regarding their marriage are bad enough; I really didn’t need him to try to control Penelope’s life by giving her no control over the household, over where she goes, etc. and I really didn’t need him to be so violent and jealous that he thought about murdering anyone who so much looked at Penelope.

To be honest, I was hoping Penelope would run away from Bourne and end up with Tommy, a childhood friend who seems to treat her with genuine kindness and worries about her happiness. Tommy was interesting in that he loves Penelope as a brother would, not as a suitor, and respects her decisions even if they are obviously toxic or self-destructive.

Other characters were interesting for their potential to offer commentary. I liked Penelope’s sisters, who embody different personality types and have different views on marriage and scandal. Watching Penelope worry for them was honestly touching, and provided unique opportunities for reflecting on romantic expectations versus realities. Bourne’s colleagues at the gambling den were also pretty great in that they seemed to be more respectful of Penelope than Bourne was. I liked that they called Bourne out for his behavior and didn’t try to control Penelope on his behalf.

Langford, our primary antagonist, wasn’t present enough for me to have an opinion one way or the other. Honestly, I didn’t feel that much animosity towards him - he was an ass for taking the entire inheritance from a 21 year old, but I felt like the blame was more on Bourne. I only reveled in his eventual demise because he got pretty sexist in the final showdown.

Romance: I’m going to just say it: I wasn’t rooting for Penelope and Bourne to be together. Most of their “love story” involved a lot of manipulative, controlling behavior on Bourne’s part, which would have been something to atone for and could have been a good story had Penelope not forgotten about it the instant Bourne showed some basic human decency. A lot of their fights consisted of Bourne being manipulative, Penelope realizing that everything he does is for selfish reasons, then forgetting it because she finds him attractive or because he does something nice. There was no acknowledgment or atonement for him hurting her or using her, and Penelope decides she loves Bourne because he raised himself above his scandal by building back his fortune. For some reason, she finds that admirable, but because we see Bourne ruining people in the same way he was ruined at the beginning of the book, I couldn’t see him in the way Penelope did.

Bourne’s redemption also felt pretty empty. Throughout the whole book, there’s this constant lamentation that he’s not good enough for Penelope, that he will only cause her ruin, but he wants her anyway. He’s also so obsessed with revenge that everything he does hurts Penelope, whether it be ignoring her happiness or going after Langford by way of Tommy. Instead of a slow, steady process where he comes to value love over revenge and where he makes up for all the hurt he caused her, he seems to turn on a dime with maybe 25% left of the book. Honestly, I found their whole romance exhausting after the first hundred pages, and I wished there was more of a gradual ennobling of Bourne’s character, rather than the self-indulgent pity party he seems to exhibit.

TL;DR: Even though A Rogue By Any Other Name has quick, witty prose and an interesting crux at the heart of the plot, the self-loathing, controlling hero and exhausting romance ultimately prevented me from enjoying this book.

[askthebunker]

The Beach Episode

“That’s just about everything,” Gabriel said, putting his hands on his hips as he looked out at the beach that had never been discovered by anyone before. He’d set up a few umbrellas as well as a picnic table with Sam earlier in the day and now they were just waiting on the others to arrive.

“It looks great, Gabe,” Sam smiled weakly before taking a deep breath, “I want everything to be perfect for Jack today, y’know?”

“No pressure, right?” Gabriel winked at him.

“You know what I mean,” Sam sighed, “It’s just...things have been weird, with everything happening. I want to make things up to Jack.”

“That’s not your job, Samoose,” Gabriel gave him a sympathetic smile, “You’re not the one who has the most making up to do.”

“He’s trying,” Sam explained, “That’s part of today, he’s going to try, he’s not going to drink, and he’s going to have a good time. We’re all going to have a good time.”

“Whatever you say,” Gabriel said, grabbing his hand and kissing it, “Let’s just...not get our hopes too high, okay? I know this is what you want, but all of us in one place…” he trailed off, “Hasn’t worked out the best in the past.”

“Never hurts to try,” Sam shrugged.

Gabriel just continued to smile sympathetically at him until the familiar sound of wings came through the air.

“Sam! Uncle Gabriel! Hello!” Jack said cheerfully.

When Sam looked up, Jack was standing with Michael, Adam, and Raphael, wearing a pair of plastic sunglasses that had neon green rims.

“We brought pie,” Raphael offered after a beat of silence, awkwardly holding out the circular pan, “Adam made it from items he grew in his garden. Why are you all so irritating? I like him just fine.”

Sam gave them a tight smile, taking the pan, “Thanks, guys,” he turned his attention to Jack, ignoring the comment, “How’s it going, Jack?”

“Good,” Jack grinned, “I am starting school this Fall, we all decided. I am very excited.”

“That’s...that’s great,” Sam smiled at him, “As long as everything goes according to plan…”

“Jack wants to go to school, so he’s going,” Adam said simply, “Regardless of what happens.”

Sam took a deep breath and gave him a tight smile, “Of course, whatever Jack wants.”

“Where are the others?” Adam changed the subject.

“You guys are the first ones here,” Sam shrugged, “Gabe and I came here to set up early since the place was essentially never discovered by humanity. We cleaned it up a bit.”

“Thanks for that,” Adam said simply, putting down the food as well as a bag, “Jack, make sure you put on sunscreen again soon, please.”

Jack nodded and sat down in the sand, grabbing Michael’s arm and pulling him down with him, “I’m going to teach Uncle Michael how to build a sandcastle.”

“Sounds great, bud,” Adam said simply, sitting down at the picnic table beside Raphael.

“Go talk to him,” Gabriel told Sam quietly, “Trust me, Raph isn’t much of a conversation starter, they’re just gonna sit there in silence.”

“There’s not much to talk about,” Sam swallowed.

“Never hurts to try,” Gabriel gave him a weak smirk, repeating his earlier words.

Sam just sighed again, smiling slightly at him before walking over.

Jack glanced up as Sam walked over to Adam and bumped Michael slightly.

Michael glanced up as well and cleared his throat, “Raphael, would you like to join us?”

The archangel squinted in confusion, “Why?”

“Because we need to spend time with Jack,” Michael said simply, “And I am asking you to.”

Raphael simply sighed and they walked over, sitting down in the sand and wrinkling their nose as they did, “I do not enjoy this,” they said immediately.

Sam sat down across from Adam, “Hey,” he said awkwardly, “How have...things been? We haven’t seen you since we came over to check out the house.”

“Fine,” Adam said, “I have a job at an antique shop in town. Jack wants to sell some of the stuff we grow in our garden, so Michael is helping him build a little stand.”

Sam nodded slowly, “Uh...so, there’s a thing going around...that you and Michael are expecting a kid?”

“Yes,” Adam deadpanned, “Is that going to be a problem?”

“What? No,” Sam said quickly, “I mean, we’d like to know if we’re gonna be uncles, y’know? We’re happy for you.”

“I’m sure you are,” Adam sighed, looking down at his phone and playing with it absentmindedly, despite there definitely not being any signal on the beach they were on.

“We’ll keep you and your kid safe from all of this,” Sam told him firmly.

“I don’t need you to,” Adam told him, “I genuinely don’t. I can take care of myself and even if I couldn’t, Michael is the first ever archangel. He’s powerful. I don’t need you to protect my child when we’re both very capable. I definitely don’t need Dean around my kid either.”

“Dean isn’t a bad guy, Adam,” Sam sighed, “We both made mistakes with Jack, we’re dealing with that and trying to make up for it.”

“You went along with it because he’s your big brother and he’s all you’ve ever known as a caretaker,” Adam snapped, “It’s definitely not healthy, but I understand you. Dean has treated Jack like shit since the beginning.”

“Don’t...do that. Don’t psychoanalyze us like you’re…” Sam trailed off, “Act human, dude. You’re not a robot.”

“I’m not though,” Adam sighed, “Sam...I spent over a thousand years with Michael and Lucifer. Things happen. I’m not human anymore. I don’t...one hundred percent know what I am, but it’s not human. I’m not saying I’m above you, I’m just saying...things get put into perspective when you have that long to think. The idea of petty drama and dealing with human bullshit is just nothing to me anymore.”

Sam watched him curiously, not sure what to say.

“I spent over a thousand years in Hell, Sam,” Adam sighed, “I don’t know what you want from me. I can’t bring myself to care about things that don’t matter to me anymore. Jack is my nephew, he was in a bad situation because of Dean, and now he’s not. Jack doesn’t have to forgive you guys, just like I don’t have to forgive any of you for letting me rot in Hell for all that time,” he stood up, “I came here today to spend time with my nephew, not debate my emotions with you.”

What emotions? Sam wanted to say, but stopped himself.

Dean probably wouldn’t have been so kind.

“I guess you were right though...we wanted to take Jack away from you, we just didn’t know it at the time,” Adam said simply before walking over and sitting down with the archangels and Jack in the sand.

“I’m guessing that didn’t go well?” Gabriel asked, walking over and sitting down beside him.

“Does it ever with him?” Sam mumbled.

“No, but if your boyfriend was an extreme optimist, would you tell him that?” Gabriel asked.

Before Sam could say anything else, the others appeared.

“This is awesome,” Charlie grinned, “We’re, like, the first people ever to be here, right?”

“That’s true,” Gabriel said, “Completely undiscovered by humanity; cool, right?”

“Definitely,” Kevin smiled.

“Sixty five percent of earth is still undiscovered by humanity, it’s not surprising,” Samandriel deadpanned.

Kevin just rolled his eyes, “C’mon, man, let’s get in the water.”

“Why?” Samandriel looked confused as he was drug over to the shoreline.

“Socially inept angels plus one beach day,” Dean walked over to Sam and Gabriel, “Entertaining, at least,” he said, looking confused when he saw the two archangels attempting to build a sandcastle with Jack and Adam’s help. He gestured to them, making Sam laugh.

“So,” Gabriel grinned as Benny, Balthazar, and Castiel all sat down with them, “Are we going to start a betting pool on how long it’ll take Heaven’s Most Adorable Angel and Heaven’s Most Adorable Prophet to get together?”

“Well, unless they’re like Charlie and refuse to make a move, probably soon- OW!” Dean groaned when Charlie threw a frisbee at the back of his head, “Hey!”

“Zip it,” Charlie told him immediately, “And come play frisbee with us.”

“I want to play!” Jack got up quickly.

Michael and Raphael sighed in relief, getting up from the sand almost in-sync and dusting themselves off, making Adam laugh.

Dean hesitated when Jack ran over and Sam shoved him lightly.

“Go,” the younger Winchester mumbled, giving him a look.

Dean sighed and grabbed the frisbee from where it landed beside him, rubbing the back of his head, “Nice aim,” he said, going to throw it back just as hard, but Charlie caught it with a smirk.

“Nice try,” Charlie said, tossing the frisbee gently to Jack, who fumbled to catch it.

…

“I don’t see the point,” Samandriel mumbled, “I thought we were busy fighting Father.”

“We are,” Kevin explained, “But...it’s important for us to relax too, especially Jack, he’s just a kid.”

Samandriel nodded slowly, looking down at his vessel’s feet in the water, tilting his head, “I find this very enjoyable, I’m surprised.”

“Yeah, free will does that to you,” Kevin laughed, reaching down and picking up a seashell, “Here...a souvenir for your first beach day.”

Samandriel took the shell, looking down at it in the palm of his hand, a small smile on his face.

…

“Yeah, I give it a week,” Gabriel smirked, looking over at Kevin and Samandriel, “Charlie, you need to catch up- OW!” he groaned when she threw the frisbee again.

“That didn’t even hurt you, don’t be a baby,” Balthazar snorted as Gabriel threw the frisbee back to the group.

“So,” Gabriel said, looking at Cas and Balthazar, “How’s it going with you two lovebirds?”

Cas glared at him, “I have explained this many times, we are not romantically involved. Platonic love is extremely valid.”

“You’ve been hanging around Adam too much,” Gabriel rolled his eyes.

Cas narrowed his eyes at him.

“Dude, you need to put on sunscreen,” Sam called to Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes, “I’ll be fine.”

Sam scoffed, “Whatever, your funeral, man.”

…

“Would you like to go for a walk?” Jack asked Dean once he tossed the frisbee to Dorothy.

Dean stared at him, “You sure that’s a good idea, kid?”

“I don’t need permission to go for a walk with a member of my family,” Jack said bluntly, “Or anything for that matter. I just need to let them know that we’re going, if you want to go.”

Dean nodded slowly, not sure what to say.

Jack walked over to where Adam and Michael were with Raphael and talked to them briefly. He turned back around and quickly walked over to Dean, “C’mon, I want to explore this place.”

Dean followed him, shock written all over his face.

“This is very cool,” Jack said casually as they walked through the woods, “I wonder if we’ll find a snake…” he trailed off, leaning down to grab some of the flowers. 

Dean sighed, “Jack,” he cleared his throat, “Hey, buddy, we gotta talk eventually.”

“I am aware,” Jack sighed, standing back up and messing with the flowers he’d picked absentmindedly, refusing to make eye contact with him.

“There isn’t...a single excuse good enough for how I treated you,” Dean told him, “It was bad and it was wrong...no kid should be treated like that, ever, no matter what’s happened.”

“No matter what I’ve done?” Jack whispered, still looking down at the flowers.

“No matter what,” Dean shook his head, “I’m sorry I blamed you for stuff you couldn’t have controlled or the mistakes you made. I want to make it up to you...whatever way you’re okay with. We’re family, you’re a Winchester, and I’m sorry I didn’t treat you that way.”

Jack finally looked up at him and smiled weakly, “Thank you, Dean,” he told him, “I am happy living where I am, but...I miss you all very much, despite everything. I want us to be a family again.”

“I want that too,” Dean said before pulling him into a tight hug.

Jack hugged him back just as tight.

…

Samandriel came over to the table and sat down across from Castiel, surprising most of the people sitting there.

“Uh, Alfie, hey-” Sam started.

“I do not blame you for what happened to me,” Samandriel said firmly, “I think that most of the people here understand what it’s like to be under Heaven’s control. I would like you to please stop ignoring me now because I always wanted to get to know you and you acting like I do not exist out of guilt is very annoying.”

Silence.

Balthazar laughed in shock, “Well, free will certainly agrees with someone.”

“I...am sorry,” Cas cleared his throat, “You’re right. It was wrong of me to ignore you.”

Samandriel smiled, “Okay, thank you. I forgive you. Now, Kevin gave me this seashell and is very nice to me, it makes me feel odd. What does that mean?”

Balthazar burst out laughing.

…

Adam had his head ducked down, talking to Michael away from the rest of the group when Dean and Jack came back.

“You two are having a kid?” Dean asked bluntly as they walked over.

“Yes,” Adam crossed his arms then wrinkled his nose, “Your skin is red, you’re going to get a sunburn, just listen to Sam and put the sunscreen on.”

“You didn’t think to tell us?” Dean asked, ignoring the other comment, “We’re going to be uncles, it’s something to celebrate.”

“No,” Adam deadpanned, “It’s none of your business. What isn’t processing here?”

“We’re a family,” Jack spoke up, “I understand that you do not like Dean, but he is my family. I wanted to share my joy about having a new family member soon, so I told him.”

Adam took a deep breath and smiled at Jack, “You’re right, Jack...I’m sorry for snapping. Yes, Dean, we’re having a child.”

“Think this is a good time for that?” Dean asked.

“I doubt it’ll ever be the perfect time,” Adam said, taking Michael’s hand, “But it’s what we’re doing. Either support it or don’t, I don’t really care.”

Dean cleared his throat and nodded stiffly, “Of course we’ll support it...kid’s gotta know their uncles, right?”

“Not really,” Michael mumbled.

“Well,” Gabriel said, throwing his arms around Michael and Adam’s shoulders and squeezing between them, “Personally, I’m happy the little nephilim is out of the bag, now we can get down to the serious celebrating!” 

“Can he even drink while he’s carrying?” Dean smirked.

Adam rolled his eyes, “Neither of us are carrying, asshole.”

…

“That was such a good idea,” Dorothy commented as they put stuff away in the storage room, “I haven’t felt this relaxed since we got back here,” she laughed weakly.

“Yeah, that tends to happen around Sam and Dean,” Charlie explained, “Trust me, I love them, they’re basically my family...but their lives are exhausting.”

“What are your plans for after this?” Dorothy asked suddenly.

Charlie looked at her and raised an eyebrow, “After?”

“I mean...after the whole...defeating God thing, y’know?” Dorothy asked.

“Oh,” Charlie sighed, “I don’t know. I’ve never really thought that far ahead, we’ve been so busy. I guess I might go back to hunting? I was pretty good at that.”

“I can’t think of anything I want to do,” Dorothy mumbled, “I’ve been so focused on Oz the last few years, it’s been so busy. Now it’s basically self-sufficient and I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with myself,” she admitted, “This isn’t my world, it hasn’t been for a really long time.”

Charlie put a hand on her arm, “Hey, you always have us. We’re always going to be here.”

Dorothy smiled weakly, “I appreciate that...having you...I mean...all of you,” she sighed, looking up at the ceiling.

Charlie smiled at her for a moment.

Dorothy rolled her eyes, “Okay, this is getting exhausting,” she said before leaning down and kissing her.

…

“Jack seemed like he’s doing good,” Dean said awkwardly as they sat in the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Cas sighed, his voice small and quiet, “He does. He deserves to have that kind of life, where he’s happy,” he swallowed, “Even if it isn’t with us.”

Dean sighed, “He’ll be back one day...said he wants us all to be a family again.”

“The house is a better place for him to live a life, not the bunker,” Cas cleared his throat, “And no, Dean, that’s not me taking Adam’s side, it’s me taking Jack’s.”

Dean scrubbed his face with his hands, “I wasn’t going to say that. I’m trying here, okay?”

“I know,” Cas nodded, looking down at his hands.

“Cas…” Dean trailed off.

“I am not with Balthazar,” Cas said quietly, “That is in the past. I love him, I always will, but it is a platonic love now.”

“Why are you telling me that?” Dean asked.

“I just...wanted you to know,” Cas told him, “Because everyone is thinking about their future, about what they want after all of this is over,” he stood up, “I am going to go make sure Jack made it home okay,” he said before disappearing right in front of Dean’s eyes.

Dean stared at the spot he’d disappeared from and sighed, “What the hell?” 

[skullsandwineglasses]

To Love ( 最初的相遇，最后的别离) first impression (Ep 1-3)

Male Lead/Female Lead Dynamics:

-ML is an undercover cop, rich second generation, and successful business person(?). The writers are really trying to pack in as many different “perfect” types of MLs into one. He seems to be able to do everything (e.g., repair a bike, administer medicinal shots, win a fight) -He’s not brooding like typical male leads, but he’s a smooth-talker and flirty and mischievous. He can be intimidating but also playful.  -ML falls for FL almost instantly, tries desperately to win her over. He spends all day everyday in her cafe to both watch her and to spy on her employee for his investigation -FL is unimpressed and annoyed, but it’s obvious that she’s going to warm up to him and that he’s going to pleasantly surprise her -FL is portrayed as someone who is rebellious and headstrong, but also kindhearted. It’s a really stereotypical character profile, but it’s not done in an obnoxious or pretentious way here. It’s weird because she’s clearly set up to be a “not like other girls” kind of girl, but it doesn’t come across as annoying. Maybe it’s because Gai Yuexi has more of an elegant and mature look, so the attitude instead makes her character seem poised, confident, and experienced.  -Overall: cheesy and full of tropes, but I like how blunt the female lead is. The chemistry between the two attractive actors is easy and fun and enjoyable.

Plot:

-From the title, it’s obvious that this is a romance drama first and a police/investigative drama second. Nothing really compares to Hong Kong undercover cop dramas. -The pace is a little slow. But I do appreciate the setup of the drama: the drama is told through interwoven flashbacks as the ML and FL are giving their testimonies in the present day (or what you assume to be the present day. You don’t know if the interrogation is actually happening at the end of the story or halfway through). It’s clear that the drama is targeted towards an older audience since there are more risqué scenes, so it doesn’t seem like an idol drama. -Based on the promos, it seems like because the ML is an undercover cop, he’s going to have to pretend to break off the relationship the FL at some point, which causes angst, but there are going to be 2 other guys waiting in the wings to comfort her and be by her side. Again, another cdrama cliche: have the ML pretend to fall in love with someone else and have multiple men fall in love with the FL. 

Overall impressions:

-Good, but slow and not terribly impressive or groundbreaking. I’m curious to see how the relationship between the ML and FL develops and then curious to see how it falls apart. I’m also curious to see how the mystery intensifies. But while I might be curious, I’m not eager. - I’m watching it on the YoYo Youtube channel, which I think is a little behind. Also, I don’t think I’m down for watching 2 episodes a day for a month. I might wait until more episodes to come out to binge watch.  -Also, my mom’s watching this drama too, and I lowkey want to skip dramas that she watches because she has such a narrow-minded view of how romantic relationships should be: i.e., the guy must fall for the girl at first sight, he must be the one to pursue her, he must protect and sacrifice for her, he must put her first above all else. Oh, and the actors must be hella attractive and have the appropriate age difference (i.e., the guy being older or at most the same age as the female actress). So far, this drama fits that mold for her, and I’m probably petty and spiteful, but I want to avoid watching dramas that she watches so that I don’t give her validation for her patriarchal views.  -I liked Lin Gengxin in Princess Agents, which was why I was curious about his comeback drama, but I think I might hold off on it for a while. 

[norwegianpornfaerie]

Dear Yuletide Writer 2020

First of all, thank you! This is an unusual year for us all, and Yuletide is one of those few things we can still enjoy just like usual. So I’d like to thank you not just for taking part in this wonderful exchange, but for taking the extra time to read this letter. Please note that I don’t expect you to adhere to everything I say here; I’m providing it in case you’d like to know more. And since you’re here, I’m assuming that’s the case. You’re already doing a great job!

Most importantly: Don’t try to bend over backwards to make your story fit my prompts and suggestions, if you’re not feeling them. I’m assuming you signed up to write my fandoms and characters because you have a genuine interest in them, and that’s what makes for the best stories. So let the optional details be optional, and take the below as a guideline and inspiration!

Do Not Wants: You will find these in my prompts, below the cut.

Things I really enjoy:

First time stories! I absolutely prefer this to anything else, in relationship-focused stories. As I tend to say, I’m secretly an 18th century romantic poet. Slow burn, UST, all that good stuff. I’d rather have one smoking sex scene at the end of a story, with a lot of build-up, than five scattered throughout. I realize you’ve got limited time and words here, but whatever you can give, I will happily take.

Casefic! I love detective stories, especially the classics, so anything in that vein will make me very happy indeed.

Plot, and plot twists. Plot is delicious. I don’t mind character studies, but a good plot will make me happier than anything. And a twist in the tail is my everything.

In-character, explicit sex. If you enjoy writing that sort of thing, I am a sucker for a well-written explicit sex scene. I love reading sex scenes that let the characters shine. Much more interesting than plain porn!

World-building. In science fiction or fantasy canons in particular, I can never get enough of this. Let me know what people have for breakfast, how their clothes are made, where they shop, where they go on vacation and how - tell me about the three seashells! (#obscureDemolitionManreference) In short: Details!

Humor! Humor is so important, in life and fiction alike. Some of my fandoms are humor fandoms, but even those who aren’t, can absolutely benefit from humor. I believe humor is what makes us who we are and keeps us going, be we alien hybrids or robots or just plain humans.

A note on shipping: If I’ve specified a ship and you don’t like it, please don’t feel obligated to write it. I’ve tried to make that clear in the prompts, but it bears repeating.

Now, author, if you’ve read the above and think “but I only write gen” or “but I hate plotty stories” or “I couldn’t write casefic to save my life” - really, really don’t worry. You matched with me because you like one or more of the same fandoms and characters as me, and that’s more than enough. I trust you to write the best story you can, and that means writing it the way YOU want to. I’m obviously very happy if you chose to include some of my likes, but don’t feel forced to do so.

If you’ve read all the above, and you’re still not sure about something, maybe my fics on AO3 might be helpful? I generally like to read the same type of stuff I write.

Thank you, thank you yet again, and have a great Yuletide!

See below the cut for my sign-up details and fandoms.

Robot Series - Isaac Asimov          

R. Daneel Olivaw

Elijah Baley

 Caves of Steel is probably my favorite novel of all time, as are the rest of the novels, and I am very fond of Daneel and Elijah. I find the world they inhabit fascinating, both the future society of Earth, and the Outer Worlds. As I both love detective fiction, science fiction and above all robots, these stories may as well have been written specifically for me. A lot of the appeal lies in how the stories manage both to deliver an entertaining mystery, as well as heart-felt interpersonal drama in a straightforward way. Daneel is one of my favorite fictional characters; the way his empathy and personality shines through programming and limitations.

Wants: Casefic. Seriously, if you can write me casefic for this fandom, I will be delighted. A murder mystery would be fantastic. I do ship Daneel and Elijah, and I would love to read about the unresolved tension between them. Explicit sex would be great! World-building and exploring whichever location they are at, be it Earth or one of the Outer Worlds, or on a space ship or station, etc. Exploration of Daneel's character; Elijah stuggling to come to terms with his feelings for him - preferably romantic feelings, but if you don't want to write that, feelings of deep friendship. Bickering and banter and held-back affection!

Do Not Wants: Daneel or Elijah shipped with other characters. Canonical relationships are okay to mention or feature, but I don't want them to be the main focus of the story. No mention of Elijah's death, please, and no mention of Daneel's ultimate fate - though a story reuniting them after Elijah's death would be more than welcome. No PWP, please, I prefer my porn with added plot. No hurt without comfort. No mention of bodily fluids other than blood, semen or saliva in a sexual context. No body horror/permanent disfigurment.

Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse          

Reginald Jeeves (Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse)

Bertram "Bertie" Wooster (Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse)

 This is one of my comfort fandoms - I take such joy in the language and the characters and the masterful plots... but mostly in Jeeves. I have great affinity for Bertie, and can identify with him quite often, and so it's no wonder that I, too, am deeply fond of Jeeves. I see him as a deeply feeling person with masterful control, and scintilating intelligence. Who also happens to be petty and jealous when it suits him. It is the character interation and interpersonal relationship I adore the most, as well as the clever, intelligent humor.

Wants: I do ship these two, and I would absolutely adore some UST ending in, erm, resolved tension. If you don't care to write that, I'd love a story based on their mutual admiration and friendship. Ideally, I would prefer a story written in first person, but I have no clear preferences as to who should be the narrator. Bertie, of course, narrates most of the stories in canon, but if you are more of a Jeeves, or would rather write in his voice, nothing would be better than that. I believe Bertie is genuinely intelligent and clever, and I love when this is shown in writing. Particularly if Jeeves comes to realize it/comes to Bertie's defense if someone belittles him.

Do Not Wants: Jeeves or Bertie shipped with other characters. No PWP, please, I prefer my porn with added plot. No hurt without comfort. No mention of bodily fluids other than blood, semen or saliva in a sexual context. No body horror/permanent disfigurment.

  Hot Fuzz (2007)  

Nicholas Angel

Danny Butterman

 Hot Fuzz is my favorite of the Cornetto Trilogy, and just plain one of my favorite films overall. I love the details, the clever writing, the loving genre references - but most of all, I love Nicholas and Danny. There is something quite wholesome about the two of them and how they grow together; the joy of two people finding one another a perfect fit. Danny and Nicholas make one another better without changing who they are, which is a wonderful thing. And then there's the tone of the film, which is perfectly balanced; it's funny without being silly, realistic without getting grimdark. Just right.

Wants: I do ship Nicholas and Danny, so I'd love a slow burn romantic story. If you don't ship them, a story about their developing friendship would be very welcome. Domestic scenes and village life! For some reason, I really like reading about these two in a holiday setting, so that would be wonderful. Awkward miscommunication which gets resolved sweetly is my jam for these two. Haplessness and held-back affection and building a life together.

Do Not Wants: Danny or Nicholas shipped with other characters. No PWP, please, I prefer my porn with added plot. No hurt without comfort. No mention of bodily fluids other than blood, semen or saliva in a sexual context. No body horror/permanent disfigurment.

    XCOM: Chimera Squad                    

Cherub (XCOM: Chimera Squad)

 I absolutely love the XCOM franchise, so I was very excited to play Chimera Squad. I was particularly interested to see what society would be like after the war, with human and alien cultures blended. There was a little bit of that in the game, but not nearly enough to satisfy my curiosity - I'm hungry for more! What I love about XCOM, beyond the game mechanics, is the setting and the world-building. When I see a Muton in a t-shirt, I want to know more! I've requested Cherub because he's my favorite character, but I'd prefer something not too character-centric.

Wants: World-building! And lots of it. Show me where people live and work; aliens and hybrids and humans all. How do interspecies relationships work? Can humans interbreed with aliens? How has alien culture affected society? Burger Palace: We need to know what's going on there. What's popular culture like? All that good stuff.

Do Not Wants: Anything too character-focused or introspective. Any ship is fine, slash or het, so long as it's not the main focus of the story (I want to see the world). No PWP, please, I prefer my porn with added plot. No hurt without comfort. No mention of bodily fluids other than blood, semen or saliva in a sexual context. No body horror/permanent disfigurment.

[razberryyum]

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The Untamed/陈情令 Rewatch, Episode 13, Part 2 of 2

(spoilers for everything MDZS/Untamed)

[covers MDZS chapters 52, 53 and 54]

WangXian meter: 🐰🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰🐰🐰+🐰🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰+🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰

Continued from Part 1...

Xuanwu Cave Comparison

Between the novel, audio drama, donghua, and live action depictions of the Xuanwu cave event, there are marked differences that determine my preference for each version, so here’s how I would rank them (and this is only applicable to the Xuanwu cave adaptation):  

novel > live action > audio drama > donghua

Since the novel is the og source, its depiction should naturally rank above all versions of MDZS, but if I’m going to be honest, I debated a bit whether the The Untamed’s adaptation should fall beneath it, or actually be equivalent to it. The primary reason for my momentary indecision is because the relationship dynamics between Wei Ying and Lan Zhan in the show were different going into the Xuanwu cave than how they were in the novel. Because they had gone through more experiences together—the Yin metal hunt and their defiance against Wen Chao, for example, which wasn’t in the novel of course—their interactions during this just this whole conversation scene in the cave is somehow warmer and more amicable. The difference is most noticeable with Wei Ying: in the novel he actually gets a little annoyed and then straight up angry with Lan Zhan, going so far as yelling at him and moving away from him. Even though it’s admittedly for a valid reason since Lan Zhan did bite him, the distance between their hearts felt farther apart. It did feel more like two people who didn’t like each other much, forced to work together. And since the audio drama follows the novel pretty closely for this event, the same sentiments applied there as well. But here in CQL, Wei Ying is mostly just teasing, considerate and sweet. He’s almost affectionate with Lan Zhan, like they’ve been friends for a while, which in Wei Ying’s mind they have been, so there’s no sense of animosity whatsoever. Wei Ying never stops to wonder if Lan Zhan actually hates him like he did in the book. Lan Zhan, in turn, was also generally more blatantly irritated with Wei Ying in the book, a fact that was clearly brought to life in the audio drama since he was rather short with him many times. Whereas here in the live action, while he’s exasperated with Wei Ying (because he’s being dense AF)…

...overall he’s more...soft? Like, even if we didn’t know he was in love with Wei Ying, or that Wei Ying thinks they’re good friends, there’s still no sense that they don’t get along at all.

Still, at the end of the day, because the novel is the well from which the Xuanwu cave event sprung forth, it has of course more precious and crucial elements that the show lacked, which helped finalize my decision on ranking the novel’s version of the Xuanwu cave above The Untamed instead of putting it on the same level. In addition to the previously mentioned piggyback ride, Lan Zhan making his permanent mark on Wei Ying by biting him and then breaking down over what befell his family and Cloud Recesses, were left out of the show as well. The stripping scene was also longer in the book, with Wei Ying straight out threatening to jump Lan Zhan’s bones while half-naked. Although a slight downer to that moment was how Wei Ying ended his prank: by assuring Lan Zhan he’s not into men. That one line actually still bothers me to this day because I can’t shake off its implications: basically, it’s really lucky for Lan Zhan that Wei Ying was revived in a gay man’s body. The thought of how their ending would have been otherwise makes my heart ache. For sure, I don’t think we would’ve gotten “everyday means everyday”. But that’s a longer and more involved discussion for another time. I’ll shelve it until we get to the episode later on when Team CQL changes Mo Xuanyu’s sexuality completely.

Back to the differences in the novel that was absent from CQL:  Lan Zhan ended up wearing Wei Ying’s undergarments, and the satchel of medicine was from Mian Mian, not Wen Qing (who hadn’t even appeared yet in the story), which is important since later on when it’s revealed that Lan Zhan secretly pocketed that satchel and turned it into his coin purse because he’s such a sweet romantic. Of course the satchel never made an appearance against in The Untamed. Lastly, in the novel, Wei Ying ends up sleeping on Lan Zhan’s legs because Lan Zhan finally obliges his request after he passed out from the fever.  The most we got in the show was them sleeping next to each other.

Aside from the differences in the degree of WangXian, there’s also general story differences as well: in the novel, Su She was the one who tried throwing Mian Mian to the Wens and pretty much got bitch slapped by Lan Zhan for it (in the show, it was just some random Jin disciple betraying his own kind). Su She also was the one that caused the Xuanwu’s blood lust to be riled up because he accidentally shot Wei Ying with an arrow while trying to make amends for his cowardice with Mian Mian. It’s actually a shame that Team CQL decided to leave Su She out of the Xuanwu proceedings entirely in the show because his inclusion would have made his hatred of Lan Zhan and his actions against Wei Ying make more sense. Petty jealousy and an overblown inferiority complex just seemed a bit of a reach in light of how much he despised Lan Zhan and the lengths he went through to essentially destroy Wei Ying. They really should have included Su She in the Xuanwu cave, was the actor not available, I wonder.

As for the audio drama, even though it follows the novel pretty closely and I absolutely love it and most of the performances by the voice actors—in particular our two leads, Lu Zhixing-laoshi as Wei Ying and Wei Chao-laoshi as Lan Zhan, who are absolutely beyond superb...seriously my knees turned to freaking jelly in some scenes because of them—not to mention, it is probably the most faithful adaptation of the novel we will EVER get, the reason I ranked it below The Untamed in terms of the Xuanwu cave events is because of the mere fact that some scenes just are better brought to life in a visual medium. That’s really it. Therefore, it’s not the fault of the audio drama, per se, but the nature of audio dramas that makes me prefer the live action’s depiction of the Xuanwu cave scenes over it.  

As for the donghua, at least in terms of these particular sequence of events, I absolutely think it has to fall to last place because it omitted so much from the novel in terms of WangXian. Even though Wei Ying showed some upper body nudity for a brief moment and Lan Zhan rubbed medicine on his brand directly, they changed the disrobing to Wei Ying pulling on Lan Zhan’s head ribbon as the reason for Lan Zhan spitting up blood. He did smack Wei Ying for doing that, which I thought was cute and funny, but that’s still a far cry from what was supposed to be. Even the talk about Mian Mian was truncated and just didn’t have the same sentiments involved. Lan Zhan did get emotional over his family, but not to the degree that he did in the novel/audio drama. Also to be honest, most of the cave sequence in the donghua was just a little too dark. Like, I do appreciate the fact that they were trying to go for realism in a cave setting; I mean, at least they didn’t light up the cave at 9 pm (aka the time the Lans fall asleep like narcoleptic zombies...how do they even go on night hunts???) like it was Alaska during the summer:

But my poor eyes would have appreciated it even more if the donghua abandoned reality and simply lit up the surroundings more. They could have easily thrown in some glowing stalactites as the explanation for the unrealistic lighting.  I was so happy whenever cultivation magic happened since those were the moments my eyes no longer had to strain. 

Also, while the Xuanwu tortoise wasn’t much to write home about in The Untamed:

I did like the fact that I could see every CGI wrinkle on him. Actually, I’m being harsh, he really wasn’t too bad as CGI effects go in the show, and he’s definitely much better stationary than in action.

There was one thing that the donghua included that wasn’t in the novel, audio drama or the show, and that was Nie Huaisang. I actually don’t know why he was included...not that I’m complaining about it since I welcome more NHS in any version, but I thought that was a curious change and I would actually like to know the reason for why Team Donghua decided to add him in. Although, I can understand why The Untamed didn’t include him: first of all, he wasn’t meant to be there to begin with since he wasn’t in the novel but also perhaps they realized they didn’t need yet another damsel in distress who had to be  constantly protected. One Mian Mian in the cave was enough.  

With Apologies to Mian Mian

I know the Mian Mian in the cave was actually closer to the way she was portrayed in the novel, but I really didn’t like this version of Mian Mian since she isn’t the same one we’ve been living with in the show up until that point. In terms or The Untamed, the Mian Mian we know is much stronger, braver and smarter than that. I mean, this is the girl who diffused the tension between Wen Chao and Jin Zixuan at Qishan while casually side-stepping Wen Chao’s attempt at harassment at the same time. While I understand she was without her weapon in the cave and there had been no indication she was even that strong of a fighter to begin with, I’d still like to believe that had she been in character, she would’ve picked up one of the Wen’s swords and fought alongside everyone else against the Wen dogs. I don’t know why Team CQL decided to damsel her down in this instance, but I found it rather irritating. Her being the one to induce the Xuanwu’s bloodlust because she fucking tripped and hurt herself makes me cringe every single time I see this scene. That’s like a bimbo in a bad horror movie type of move and totally not worthy of the Mian Mian we’ve been blessed with up until then. This is the woman who will one day take off her sect robes and renounce her secthood in front of a roomful of sect leaders and her seniors due to her sense of righteousness, and then more than a decade later draw her sword to protect her family against two intruders hiding in her backyard....not to mention protect her husband and daughter against freaking ghost puppets while voluntarily going on night hunts. This Mian Mian isn’t one to cower behind anyone helplessly or carelessly tripping over her own feet, dammit. At least in the Xuanwu cave, Team CQL really did Mian Mian wrong.  

Wei Wuxian is awesome

Again, a given as usual, but I still want to especially restate that fact because his recitation of the Wen Sect rules back to Wen Chao’s dumbass face is still one of my favorite Wei Ying moments. Not like I even have a non-favorite Wei Ying moment, but this definitely ranks at the top of the list. What made the moment even better was Wen Zhuliu’s reaction to Wen Chao’s ignorance.  

I will never stop asking this: what the hell kind of debt does Wen Zhuliu owe Wen Ruohan that he would be willing to saddle himself with someone who is clearly very very much his intellectual and cultivational inferior? I know it’s a life debt, maybe his own life was saved, but that still hardly seems worth the trouble he has to put up with for all these years.

WangMian??  (j/k)

Even though Wei Ying was just teasing Lan Zhan about liking Mian Mian, I can kind of see why someone would mistakenly think Lan Zhan might have some interest in her based on this moment alone. The way the scene was constructed was rather interesting because of how Lan Zhan quickly rushes to Mian Mian’s side as soon as he notices she might be in danger. First time I watched this I thought, oh, he’s just doing that to block Wei Ying from getting into trouble and also to protect him from Wen Chao, but after reviewing the scene a few times since then, I realized his position isn’t quite right for that purpose.  Or perhaps, Lan Zhan was protecting Mian Mian because in that instance she was someone who is weak and he was just acting on his principles. I can accept that explanation.  After all, I don’t seriously think there was anything between Lan Zhan and Mian Mian, nor do I think Team CQL ever intended there to be, but that was still a rather motivationally vague way to execute that scene.

A Jealous Lan Zhan is Cute

I just love how over he is with Wei Ying flirting with Mian Mian. Lan Zhan was really chugging the vinegar there.

Wang Lingjiao is a Real Evil C-word

Speaking of people who downs vinegar like water, I have to take a moment to marvel at just how truly evil and petty a woman Wang Lingjiao is. The fact that in the middle of a highly dangerous, life or death battle with an ancient monster, she still found the time and mood to try to brand some poor girl her stupid sugar daddy showed just a teeny tiny bit of interest in is pretty astounding. She is really an unbelievably vile character. However, as much as I hate the character, and I will only hate her more in future episodes, I have nothing but praise for the casting choice for WLJ. Lu Enjie really nailed that role, not only in terms of performance but she had the perfect look and body language as well. And then, Qiu Qiu-laoshi’s voice acting made what was already perfect even more sublime. It was as if Wang Lingjiao literally stepped out of the pages of the novel and onto the screen.

Questions I Still Have

- Even now I actually don’t know how Wei Ying’s paperman trick works cuz there doesn’t seem to be much consistency in how it operates. Sometimes it seems like he’s just commanding it to do things, while other times he’s like putting his own consciousness in it. But even the degree of consciousness he is able to insert into the paperman seems to vary. What gives? And man, could Wei Ying have been more obvious with his little messenger in that moment?? That paperman flew to Wen Qing and clung to her in full view of everybody right behind her. Good thing the Wens obviously employ a bunch of blind dummies who are completely oblivious to their surroundings, otherwise both Wen Qing and Wei Ying would’ve been in deep shit.

- Did Wen Ruohan ever tell his son the game plan for keeping all the major sect’s kids? Cuz if the point was to hold the next generation of sect leaders hostage so that their parents won’t revolt against the Wens, KILLING them all in a cave is probably the LAST thing Daddy Wen would want Wen Chao to do. I mean, I would imagine nothing would incite a collective mutiny more than if everyone’s most precious heirs mysteriously died during a night hunt held by the Wens. Honestly, what the hell was Wen Chao thinking with that stunt? I guess the answer is he wasn’t thinking since he is kind of stupid, but then that begs the question why would Wen Ruohan let his idiot younger son be in charge of something so important in the first place? I wouldn’t trade the hostage situation in for anything since it did lead to important events in the story, but I guess I wish it wasn’t so flimsy-seeming in the logic department?  

Overall Episode Rating: 9.5 Lil Apples out of 10

Disclaimer: The Untamed would not be possible without Mo Dao Zu Shi and Mo Xiang Tong Xiu-laoshi. I mean no disrespect whatsover when at times I may favor the shwo over the MDZS bible that is the novel. All hail MDZS and MXTX-laoshi, always and forever!    

[aroacepagans]

Alright so the survey on aro community needs from this post got 30 responses, and with it all being long form I don’t expect to get many more.

So what I’m going to do is give summaries of common themes and answers above the cut for people who don’t want to read through a bunch of text, and then I’m going to put individual answers under the cut for folks who are interested. Please note that these are all anonymous survey answers, and they do not necessarily reflect my opinions. I encourage people to have/start discussions around the topics brought up here so that we can work towards having a mutually fulfilling and cohesive community. 

Summary: 

 What are the community needs of alloaros?

More recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, aro specific spaces where no one will assume that they’re ace and where they don’t have to be bombarded by ace content, safe spaces to talk about their experiences with sexual attraction, and a wider community acknowledgment that ace and aro don’t mean the same thing. 

What are the community needs of aroaces?

Separate aroace spaces, space and language that allows them to express the interconnectedness of their aro and ace identities, a recognition of the diversity of aroace experiences including the experiences of oriented aroaces and aro leaning aroaces, spaces devoid of both sex and romance, and less infighting between the aro and ace communities. 

What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?

New language that doesn’t enforce the use of SAM as a norm and that doesn’t enforce a SAM/ non-SAM binary, more recognition of aromantic as one whole identity, more inclusion of their identity within aro spaces, and having the ability to label themselves as aro without being asked what their other identity is . 

What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?

Specific spaces where they can talk about aromantic attraction, more recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, more greyro/aro-spec specific resources and content, and a larger platform within the aspec community to discuss their experiences.  

What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?

Increased visibility, spaces free from amatonormativity, safe and unbiased shared spaces for all members of the aro/aro-spec community, separation and distinction from alloaces, more in-person spaces, and a building of understanding and acceptance between the different community subgroups.  

How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?

Better and more formalized tagging systems, creating more forums, chats, tags, etc, that are specific to different aro and arospec subgroups, creating more variety in online aro spaces generally, giving equal online spaces and platforms to all aro subgroups, and having open and polite community discussion about our needs within online aro spaces. 

How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?

Use inclusive language, allow for smaller sub-communities within larger aro and aspec groups, provide resources for small, lesser known identities both within groups and at pride, push for more aro inclusion in wider queer spaces and create safe and respectful discussion spaces where everyone can voice their needs  

How do we reconcile conflicting needs?

Civil and open discussions, try to find solutions instead of just arguing, and create separate spaces for subgroups when needed while continuing to maintain larger general spaces for discuison and community building. 

Individual answers:

What are the community needs of alloaros?

1. A space to be aromantic but not asexual. As an alloaro myself, I struggle to relate to many aroaces - and the ace community in general - because my sexuality is a big part of my identity, right along side being aromantic. I want a place where I can discuss how being aromantic affects my sexual attraction without having to focus on one or the other

2.  A place to talk about sexual attraction without being ridiculed or being called a player. Advice about how to go about getting a relationship that fulfills their needs without be demeaned to expected to evolve into romantic.

3.  I'm not alloaro, so I don't feel comfortable speculating on their behalf, but from the perspective of an outsider looking in, they need more visibility, both within and outside of the aro community.

4.  Recognition mostly, acknowledging that asexuals can’t keep putting their stuff into the aro tag, the fact that romance repulsed allo aros exist and are uncomfortable with allo aces putting their stuff everywhere

5.  Aro specific places. I personally don't have to talk about sexuality in general areas but aroallo specific places/sites/tags for this would be great.

6.  Dismantling the assumption that aromanticism is inherently linked to asexuality (even if it is for some individuals, it's most definitely not a hard rule that applies to everybody else), moving away from seeing aroace as the "default" aro experience and in fact not assuming one's other possible identities because they identify as aro at all

7.  Not one myself - probably spaces to find safe hook-ups if desired, to talk amongst themselves

8.  Less ace experience talking over aro experience. Also, not conflating the two identities as one.

9.  I often feel ashamed of the allo part of my identity. I think more visibility would help a lot. It also took a very long time for me to even consider being aro because I was under the impression I had to be ace so separating those ideas would help.

10.  As I’m not allo aro I can’t really say, but a lot of them have been speaking out and saying that they don’t want aro to automatically mean aroace, and that aromantism is not a sub sexuality is asexual

11.  To talk about alloaro specific issues freely, and to not be assumed to be ace or to have to leave our sexualities at the door when entering aro spaces

12.  Increased awareness that one can experience sexual attraction without romantic attraction

13.  To be respected and given a aro-specific space/platform to discuss their needs/issues/etc

14.   A space to not be: assumed ace, confused with aces, forced to avoid talking about how they want sex without romance and how that sexual desire affects them, etc. A space where they can find others like them to help them understand themselves better and make friendships and feel less isolated.

15.  i'm not alloaro so i'm not going to speak for them but like. acknowledging that aro does not mean ace and allowing the aro community to exist outside of the ace umbrella is super important

What are the community needs of aroaces?

1.  Recognition that aro is an equal and completely it's own community but that the community doesn't have to be completely separated.

2.  Separated areas where uniquely aroace experiences can be discussed

3.  Less infighting between the aromantic and asexual communities. You can and should call out hurtful behavior by the other community, but going into isolation mode leaves aroaces stuck in the middle of two sides retreating in on themselves. Aroace issues are aro issues! Aroace issues are ace issues!

4.  Acknowledging that we occupy a unique overlap between the aro and ace communities that no other perioriented people experience (if we can even call ourselves perioriented, since we're basically forced to straddle two communities or else have one aspect of our identity erased); having spaces where we can talk about our aroaceness without having to separate out our identities, when we often can't

5.  Well if you mean just "aroaces" who use it as one word for a convergent orientation they need a place where mixing up and "confusing" an experience as related to their aromanticism when it's more about being ace doesn't get aros yelling at them in the Tumblr tags that they shouldn't tag it aromanticism and they're stupid/horrible hurting aros when they do. They need a place where they can talk about their experiences as very interconnected and inseparable without offending people for whom they are separable. They likely mostly want to learn from allo aros and allo aces what it feels like to be allo so they better understand more of society and don't want to feel alienated from either community of aces as a whole or aros as a whole.

6.  I just want some safe wholesome space. Since I joined the aro community on tumblr couple years back, it just feels like the community is defined by discourse, negativity, fights, petty disagreements and drama. I understand, the community is still in diapers and we need to figure ourselves out, but I feel like we've lost the way. Do we need to react to every troll and hater? Is seriously someone offended by them? Why do we legitimise and acknowledge them as part of the discussion? It's like giving an equal platform to scientists and flat earthers. Is this really how we want to be? If you try to think away all the drama stuff, what's left? Is there anything left at all?

7.  The freedom to find their place in both ace/aro spaces and for people to allow them to use/not use the SAM as they see fit. Perhaps giving non-SAM aroaces some new language?

8.  More community for aro aces. As an aro ace myself I always have to divide time between the aro and ace communities

9.  a space where both identities are recognised as equally important - a space where aro identity isn't seen as a subset of ace identity, or deriving from it - somewhere they can express romance and sex repulsion or lack of thereof

10.  A term that isn’t AroAce. Something that is not just a combination of aromantic and asexual. But to also not be a sub set of allo aro or allo ace. We shouldn’t need to choose which identity is more important and we shouldn’t have to use the SAM.

11.  I think to recognize that there is an aroace spectrum. You can be mlm, wlw, nblnb, etc and still be aroace

12.  Content that doesn't rely on "but we still experience x attraction!", tips for living alone/single, also tips for finding/being in a committed relationship such as a qpr (I personally want a relationship but I have no idea how to even start looking for one)

13.  I am not aroace so my opinion should not carry as much weight as others but from what my aroace friends irl say, I think we need more recognition for oriented aroaces

14.  To be able to talk about the intersection of our identities and how we are uniquely impacted by aphobia

15.  Understanding that not all aroaces feel that their two identifiers hold equal value to them (e.g. aromantic as a primary identity with asexuality as a secondary identity). Letting people focus on the one identity over the other is not an exclusion on the other identity; their preferred identity is just more meaningful in their lifes and/or personal growth.

16.  Available spaces that are not only sexualised spaces (eg clubs), options to avoid discussion of sex, being hit on if desired (colour code in mixed irl aro-spaces?)

17.  Aroaces need a space where they don't have to pick between their aro and ace identities, as well as a space where sex and/or romance repulsed aroaces dont have to deal with romance or sex in any way

18.  Idk, not aro ace but I would say recognition as well

19.  Full disclosure, I've mostly stopped participating in the ace/aro communities of late (though I haven't stopped reading it) because it felt like every time aroaces spoke up, we were brushed aside or shrugged off because we were the "privileged" ones (in both aro and ace circles). That means I'm a bit out of the loop. I identify far more with my aromanticism than my asexuality, but I've definitely been made to feel that I'm somehow a negative influence on both communities because I technically belong to both. I feel bad enough discussing my identity outside of the ace and aro communities, particularly among queer friends - it feels like when I bring up aroace experiences, it's like I've doused the fire of whatever conversation I was in, and I don't feel like replicating that feeling by trying to talk about it on the 'net, too. So, I guess we mostly need acceptance. We need spaces where alloaros can talk about their experiences without feeling bombarded by aroaces, we need spaces where aroaces can talk about our experiences without feeling like we're marauding on allo experiences, and we need places where both sides can talk about our aromanticism as one community. We as aroaces need to do better about determining when to discuss our issues, and making sure we're discussing them within the communities they're relevant to, as well. I have a pretty solid handle on which aspects of my identity are informed by my aromanticism and which are informed by my asexuality, but that's not a universal experience. Plenty of people have issues separating the two, especially when they're missing both sexual AND romantic attraction. It's hard to determine which of those "missing" pieces are supposed to fit where, and it's important to understand and find a place for these people to post, as well. But ultimately there needs to be more acceptance and openess all around. And I have no idea how we can do all of this.

20.  Often aro and ace-ness are inseparable to aroaceness and thus unless something is very specifically about sexual attraction aroaces need to have a sense of flexibility

21.  Honestly, as a greyro-ace myself, I feel like aroaces are sort of the face of the community

What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?

1.  it's all in the name 'non-SAM' for me. that it is assumed everyone has multiple attractions and/or labels themselves by them. it's use rather implies that the words aro or aromantic or aro-spec /don’t/ automatically include us. it's obviously a perspective change needed here, maybe a new term or descriptor as well? i don’t kno really but i hate the specification of — the expected /need to/ specify — non-SAM.

2.  I'm gonna skip the other Qs b/c I don't think I can speak for SAM-using folks. Anyway, as a non-SAM aro I think some of my big things are 1. Recognizing that aromanticism can be its own identity without being split or modified 2. Ending the default assumption that I am ace, identify as ace, and know what the heck ace people need in their communities. 3. Recognizing and respecting aros who don't want or desire QPPs and making it clear that non-QPP friendships and family are not only as good as but can be just as fulfilling as other relationship models. 4. Including non-SAM people as part of our basic and default definitions of asexuality and aromanticism. 5. Making space for discussions of why microlabels don't work for everyone and why the SAM doesn't work for everyone 6. Making an active effort to make aspec spaces more accessible to folks who have just learned about aspec stuff, folks with cognitive and language disabilities, and non-native English speakers. And, like on a broad note, my autism makes it difficult for me to break my identity into tiny pieces. The aspec community's focus on microlabels and the split attraction model, plus the fact that the people participating in discussions often seem to be younger than me and just barely in the process of developing an identity that I've been comfortable in for many years, makes me feel isolated and alienated from the community. When I do participate, the complex and high-entry-level jargon that some members of the community use make it difficult for me to participate in community interactions, which leaves me feeling even more alienated.

3.  again, not speaking over other people, but it's important to recognize that aromanticism is a full identity on its own and doesn't inherently require use of the SAM. breaking down the alloaro/aroace binary

4.  It seems they want to just talk about aromanticism without having people judge which type of aro they are for if their views count etc. They want more than anyone for aces to be better allies when it comes to LGBTQIA arguing where the A doesn't mean Ally and rather asexual that there needs to be room for the queerness of aromanticism in the LGBTQ+ umbrella. They more than anyone will always need aromantic specific everything - recognition, representation, communities, where no one expects you to also be something else

5.  For myself, mostly non binary language and less assumptions that all aros ID with the SAM would be helpful, also acknowlement that non-SAM aros may have differing experiences as a group. This sounds small, and honestly it is, but the unintended consequence of binary language addressing only 'aroaces' and 'aroallos' that I've seen is that spaces can become increasingly polarized between different split attractions and then I've just kind of slipped through the gap in between. It's just my personal experience, of course, but honestly just including this box in the survey is a great start.

6.  In-space focuses and new language.

7.  More awareness

8.  A space where we don't feel the need to express ace/allo identity alongside our aro identity

9.  To not get caught in an alloaro Vs aroace war that they can't pick a side for, is probably one.

10.  We just need ppl to stop kind of adding us in a sentence in their post or say 'not everyone uses the sam' I wish we could have more discussions on why the sam doesn't really work for us or how we're left out from the community as a whole.

11.  Acceptance of just being aro. Aromantic is a whole independent identity despite where it was born.

12.  A space to talk about how the ace community has harmed them or made them feel unwelcome without aroaces or alloaces acting like it is an insult

What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?

1.  Understanding that not everyone is completely aro or that their romantic attraction levels change.

2.  providing spaces to talk about experiences with romantic attraction/relationships

3.  I'm in this group. I need to feel like it's ok that aromanticism stay a spectrum and some aros are "more ace" (I'm sex-averse etc) than clearly aro (I might choose to date) and to not feel like people are accusing me of being alloromantic when I don't feel alloro. If people make sweeping statements about aros that don't include me or sweeping statements about alloros that do cover my experiences, it is hurtful and invalidating of my identity. And it even can make me doubt myself which isn't fair after I've spent years figuring myself out. I want a happy community that can get along and not hate aces preemptively before any of the select aces they're talking to did anything wrong. Who can forgive aces who make mistakes but who want to be better allies. I'm an ace and an aro-spec person. I'm an ally to aros who aren't gray but all forms of people being an ally takes some learning curve. Understanding that can go a long way.20 hours agoMore awareness21 hours agomore discussion about our orientations, more material for us in general, people getting a platform to share heir experiences. i feel kind of isolated in the aro community because there isnt a lot thats directed at us and our experiences that are neither really aro nor alloa day ago- a space where romance repulsion and simultaneous lack of thereof is acknowledgeda day agoIdk I'm not on the speca day agoMore content for the smaller identities under the spectrum umbrella would probably be nice, also asexuality being jammed together with aromanticism can be annoying sometimes especially if the post only really has to do with one or the other. Visibility in stories and media and such would also be greata day agoacknowledge that not everyone is strictly ace or allo. Like alloaros, allow us to talk about whether we want romantic partners or how our experiences differ from non grayro aros.a day agoN/aa day agoTheir own voice for their complicated feelings about being on the aromantic spectrum.a day agoNot greyro, likewise not my place to comment.2 days agoThe aro community is actually already pretty good about this, but it's cool that romance still happens for some of us and that out voices are allowed to at the very least be on our own space without criticism.2 days agoUh2 days agoArospecs need to be able to talk about their approach to romance, as it is very often very separate from the way allo people experience romantic attraction2 days agoI think both grey and demi aromanticism and asexuality in general need more recognition 2 days ago

4.  More awareness

5.  more discussion about our orientations, more material for us in general, people getting a platform to share heir experiences. i feel kind of isolated in the aro community because there isnt a lot thats directed at us and our experiences that are neither really aro nor allo

6.  a space where romance repulsion and simultaneous lack of thereof is acknowledged

7.  More content for the smaller identities under the spectrum umbrella would probably be nice, also asexuality being jammed together with aromanticism can be annoying sometimes especially if the post only really has to do with one or the other. Visibility in stories and media and such would also be great

8.  acknowledge that not everyone is strictly ace or allo. Like alloaros, allow us to talk about whether we want romantic partners or how our experiences differ from non grayro aros.

9.  Their own voice for their complicated feelings about being on the aromantic spectrum.

10.  The aro community is actually already pretty good about this, but it's cool that romance still happens for some of us and that out voices are allowed to at the very least be on our own space without criticism.

11.  Arospecs need to be able to talk about their approach to romance, as it is very often very separate from the way allo people experience romantic attraction

12.  I think both grey and demi aromanticism and asexuality in general need more recognition

What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?

1.  what we need across the board is recognition, compassion, and dissemination.

2.  More aro recognition and its own and equal but not completely seperate from ace (for aro aces) community.

3.  To discuss their experiences with the lack of romantic attraction and amatonormativity, amongst other General arospec issues

4.  safe spaces to talk about being aro and all of the ways it intersects with other aspects of our identity; representation and advocacy

5.  Neutral aro-spec spaces where all intersectionality is equally accepted but also not the main topic or qualifier; recognition of a broad range of experiences; recognition of specific language and acknowledgment of their existences; facilitated ability to speak about more specific or 'niche' topics

6.  Recognition in queer spaces and healthy dialogue about language.

7.  i think we all want a platform for our specific topics and we want recognition, but also community

8.  A space where romance repulsion is acknowledged and respected - a space where aro identity is prioritised, no matter what other identities go along with it, if there are any at all

9.  To move forward in our activism to make aromanticism more well known and more accepted in society?? And to have a safe place to go after a day of dealing with amatonormativity and aphobia.

10.  To make ourselves exist outside the definition of asexual

11.  I think all the communities/identities need to recognize that there is a problem. If we unite with each other and have so much love and understanding in the form of unity, I think a lot of these problems will resolve themselves.

12.  Visibility?

13.  make sure we understand each other's experiences and what makes everyone feel included / excluded. We need to make that we sure we own up if we excluded someone, and that we try to fix it.

14.  Visibility is my greatest concern for all aspects of aro and arospec problems.

15.  Aces need to stop speaking for them. Aro-spec and aro people can speak for themselves on their own experiences. Additionally, aroaces need to focus more on the aro identity (whether it's primary or secondary to them) when it involves aro discourse. They can have a focus on their ace identity only with the exception that both identities are heavily tied to each other and both identities are discussed. Again, this is specifically for aro-specific discourse.

16.  Discussion of amatonormativity, experiences with pressure to find partners

17.  A creation of a unified aro space that includes and supports *anybody* identifying as aro or arospec

18.  The validity of aro identities shaping gender identities. I believe I'm nb in large part because of aromanticism.

19.  All four of these groups need visibility and more in person communities

20.  Allo aces need to stop taking over everything is the overarching problem when you think about it, they also need to stop throwing aros under the bus

21.  We ALL need more visibility. We need voices that aren't reliant on the ace community to speak for us as an afterthought, and I say that AS an ace. We need to talk about aromanticism as a whole. And we need to do so proudly and informatively. I've noticed that it's really, really hard to talk about aromanticism without making it sound like I'm demonizing romantic attraction, and that's a dangerous treading ground within the queer community. There's been a lot of negatively portraying queer romantice from outside of the community, and we need to make sure we're not stepping on those land mines, but we do need our voices heard on aromanticism and amatonormativity, too. Also, we need to hold fast to QPRs and squishes (and, imo, aplatonic) and not let those ideas get swept out with the discourse trash. We also need to support both the aros who want and have QPRs, and the aros who want nothing to do with them. I see a lot of support for aros in various forms of non-romantic (and sometimes romantic) relationships, but very little for aros who choose to fly solo, and what that means in a world that expects you to pair up.

22.  I do think we need to be more openly vocal about our separateness from the ace community, though it seems to be tearing aroaces apart at the seams

23.  A space to discuss aromanticism - however people experience it - in a space were others are opening and welcoming. Possibly also older members of the community giving advice to newer members who are struggling to come to terms with their aromanticism in a society so focused on romance

24.  I feel like a lot of aros are frustrated with their experiences being mislabeled as ace experiences, or having the assumption that aro and ace experiences are basically the same

How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?

1.  make sure you aren’t in an echochamber? share/create content for orientations other than your own? be kind? remember that when we're fighting it's kind of over scraps and we deserve better? i'm not sure honestly but i really think a lot of this comes down to perspective. plus remember the block button exists lol. i'm talking about things all on a personal, individual level and i don’t kno how to effect anything otherwise. how about a content creation week where the subject is an orientation other than your own? with emphasis on asking questions to get shit right. it'd be a learning experience that builds community. i can't think of a thing to answer this question on a larger scale ://

2.  We accept that some people see their aro and/or ace identitie/s seperate and some don't. Also that some only have one of these identities. And we spread aro recognition.

3.  Equal education and resources for all parts of the aro spectrum

4.  Cut it out with the pack instinct. Aces and aros snarling at eachother really freaks out aroaces. 

5.  it's impossible to curate a monolithic online space that will meet the needs of every single member of the aro community. what's important is acknowledging your own biases and hearing out the perspectives of others who differ from you, and not generalizing your own experiences/needs/perspectives to the community as a whole. we can create more subgroup-oriented spaces all we want, but at the end of the day we're still part of the same larger aro community and in order for that to work out the best thing we can do is just listen to each other. 

6.  Appropriate tagging has been brought up before, perhaps a reworked umbrella tag system? Again more neutral spaces; appropriate tagging for repulsion and aversion and on the other end acceptance of a variety of topics (i.e. some people will be talking about sex and that's good and healthy, as long as it's tagged there shouldn't be an issue with that); more specific and intersectional spaces; less verbal conflation of ace and aro though I think that's been getting better? Then again a big problem is the aroace split between two communities. I unfortunately do not have any ideas for that 

7.  Provide and Aro-specific online space similar to AVEN. 

8.  trying to give a more equal focus to different subgroups maybe? coming together and caring about those whose experiences are slightly different from ours and giving them a platform too. encouraging diversity 

9.  i'm not sure but it starts by making spaces outside of discourse. blogs like "aro-soulmate-project" are especially important to me because they address not only intra and outside community issues, but because they create aro identity at the same time people interact. 

10.  Idk put everything in the tag it belongs in (aroace content in aro, ace and aroace tags, general aro content in aro aroace and alloaro tags, and alloaro content in aro and alloaro tags, etc) and stop harassing each other. Groups might benefit from ace chat channels and allosexual chat channels? But idk if that's too divisive in some opinions 

11.  Group chats? More posts combining the communities? Spreading the love to everybody everywhere! 

12.  Open discussion 

13.  Since aro communities are extremely small and have been largely ignored-even by the a-spec community-it is up to the a-spec (yes, this includes alloaces) community to be more inclusive when making a-spec positive/information posts while also making more efforts to reblog diverse aro discourse so that aro people get a chance to speak. 

14.  Different tags/ smaller chatrooms. Probably tags people can follow or block 

15.  Better tagging systems, breaking down assumptions and not projecting one's one experience of identity onto everybody else who happens to be aro, creating sub-communities that are specifically suited for a specific subgroup's needs while still being united as the general aro community 

16.  On tumblr, proper tagging of content. 

17.  I think something that would actually help is like an aroace specific forum. We have arocalypse but that seems to be mostly alloaros and I want a forum where I can be aroace and not have to pick sides 

18.  Tag things accordingly 

19.  As I mentioned before, I'm not really involved in community discussions beyond reading about them, but coming up with a standard tagging system seems to be a start. 

20.  Often these needs have been met, though there could be a better job of say tagging 'romance' for repulsed aros and we need to open up space for both romo repulsed and positive to speak at the same time 

21.  I don't know. The internet is too big to manage. I think of the internet as more of many different spaces

How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?

1.  Represent everyone, let people speak, let people correct you, aim to make friends, remember that we're all under the A together.

2.  Same as above

3.  Stop generalizing and start being inclusive with language. There’s a big difference.

4.  Listen, if no one ever walks up to me and says "Hey, [name], you're ace right?" just because I told them I was aro and they forgot, I will be happy.

5.  i suppose the same rules apply. listening, providing spaces for subgroups to talk about specific issues, etc.

6.  Similar to previous answer, but spaces advertised as neutral or with multiple groups need to be more explicit in inclusion of a variety of experiences and topics. There are ways to manage this so everyone is in understanding and comfortable, namely just good communication (hence being explicit) and systems of feedback

7.  Queer spaces just need to be informed that the usual a-spec narrative is not the only one. But this will change as people share their experiences.

8.  more aro awareness alongside but also differentiated from ace awareness, and all this coupled with a focus on acceptance rather than identification

9.  A case by case basis? I guess? It'd depend on the scope of the space

10.  Booths at Pride recognizing the lesser known orientations. Doesn’t even have to be booths! Pins, stickers, t-shirts work just fine. Maybe a logo for a-spec, aro-spec, and aroace staying that we are all united.

11.  have info that includes all of us eg. pamphlets don't have the ace flag everywhere and acknowledge that their are aspecs who experience romantic or sexual attraction, and that not everyone uses the sam.

12.  I have only come across one aspec space in-person but it is in the form of a discussion group and everyone is allo ace so I feel extremely unwelcome. I wish there were more resources about aromanticism I could bring to these groups.

13.  For one: language is important. Renaming everything to a-spec meetups/groups instead of ace meetups/groups makes the other identity more welcomed and higher possibilities of growing the community. Again, there are more aces out there than aros at the moment, so it is up to those ace groups to make it more inclusive to all a-spec people. We're a community in this together wheter you feel a certain identity or not. That's what being Queer's all about.

14.  Create an aro-space first... Then events for sub-groups only where they can talk amongst themselves but also community events

15. Have a large variety of arospec spaces to choose from so that everyone can have their needs met

16.  Talk about all aspects, let people voice their experiences and find common ground

17.  I don't participate in in-person communities. Partly because I'm not out to more than just a few friends, and partly because I wouldn't want to go to one and be the stereotypical aroace. I feel both far too representative of both the aro and ace communities, and also not part of either. And thanks to the discourse, I'm not convinced I'd be welcome at a queer meetup at all. In addition, I've already mentioned before that just bringing up my experiences as either an ace or an aro tends to be a conversation-killer. So, I guess it rolls back around to visibility. Making others aware of our existence so that when aro experiences DO come up in in-person conversations, we can avoid the uncomfortable, awkward silences that follow. And I think that can only be done by talking about them.

18.  I'll eat my hat the day that I manage to find a sizable in-person space for aces or aros

How do we reconcile conflicting needs?

1.  I believe this question is far too subjective to each instance that has and will pop up. Which is no help unfortunately.

2.  We accept that sometimes someone needs these needs and someone else needs other needs. Also we ask what people's needs are before we assume their needs.

3.  By talking out our issues civilly and talking about what bothers us so we can accommodate and adapt as needed if needed, and filter out people who just make the community toxic.

4.  Live and let live. Talk it out. Find a solution rather than growing increasingly angry. Literally anything that’s not cocooning away in indignation, we are supposed to be a community.

5.  i don't think our needs actually conflict, for the most part. with the exception of greyro/arospec folks needing space to talk about romance and romance repulsed folks needing to get away from it. but that can be solved by tagging things (at least in the case of online spaces). i think a lot of our perceived conflict comes from the conflation of different issues. for example, giving alloaros room to exist apart from asexuality and giving aroaces room to navigate that awkward space in between aren't inherently mutually exclusive. i recognize that striking that sort of balance is easier said than done, but i think if it were easy we wouldn't be having this discussion at all. we're a diverse population and our needs are ALWAYS going to differ. but we're also always going to overlap in a lot of ways, which is why the aro community exists to begin with.

6.  Imagine you have a spoiled child. You can do everything in your power to give them what they need. Do you think it will be ever enough? Oh, but what's worse, by concentrating on the spoiled child, you completely forgot you have a second one, starving in the corner.

7.  Give each person a choice in the language they use and don't force anyone into an identity/stereotype of aspec experience that doesn't fit. Just listen to people.

8.  By giving space for both and working out compromises or plans of action

9.  Definitely not fuckin argue for weeks and attack one another, discourse only fragments our tiny movement

10.  Set up a time for when allo aro can talk about their experience and the way their identities interact. This lets aroace choose whether they want to come or not. The usual meeting should be a time where any aroace, allo aro, and non-sam using aro can talk about being aro. Or for aros to just meet and interact.

11.  a group discussion where everyone can share their experiences but also safe spaces for aroaces / alloaces / nonsam aros /grayros to talk so ppl can discuss if someone hurt them or made them feel excluded in the group discussion and so they can talk about things that are specific to their smaller communities

12.  Open discussion and properly tagging things

13.  Aro people have been patient. Ace and ace-spec people need to recognize that their exclusive behaviors are mirroring the same horrible mentality that exclusionists in the LGBT+ have. Also recognize that ignoring (or consistently forgetting) the identity is a form of the excluding that identity in regards to posts that are suppose to be a-spec/Queer/LGBTIA+ positive/informative.

14.  Respect and communication, separate spaces when necessary

15.  Creating sub-communities that can prioritize a specific group's needs in that space while not conflicting with the general aro community.

16.  Idk like listen to eachother?

17.  The people who have a problem avoid? Idk

18.  honestly don't know. I absolutely understand the frustrations of alloaros getting ace posts in the aro tags, and I understand the frustrations of aroaces posting their experiences and being told those tags don't belong. I think the ace community as a whole needs to be made aware that the aro tag is not a dumping ground for ace-specific posts, and that if they want to include support and positivity and include the aro tag, then the post needs to INCLUDE US. I think a lot of frustration on all sides right now is that aromanticism comes off as asexuality's afterthought, and I don't think any of us as aros feel that way. I don't think we need a full break from the ace community, and I think we need to stop blaming aroaces when we make relevant posts to the aro tag, since I suspect quite a bit of this issue is from people who legitimately don't realize that aro tags are not the same as ace tags (i.e. ace positivity blogs that post something relevant to ace experiences and think they're being inclusive by "including" aros, because "we're all aspec, just swap out the 'sexual attraction' for 'romantic attraction'!"). But I, as an ace, am of the opinion that the ace community as a whole needs a solid kick in the pants to get them to work with us on cleaning up the tags and acknowledging that aros aren't just aces with a word swap, that we have our own significantly different concerns and ways to navigate the world that aces can't understand. But here's the problem, too. The ace community is one of the larger "aro" voices right now because the aro community is really quiet. Yes, we have our voices, but if you go looking for ace spaces, you find them. You find them in spades. You go looking for aro spaces? You have to dig. You almost have to know what you're looking for before you can find it. I see aros submitting asks on ace blogs, asking where to go to find aro-specific blogs, and there's always only a handful of suggestions. I think a lot of the reason aroaces seem so visible is because we -are- in the ace spaces, talking, and the ace spaces are big. The aromantic community's biggest priority right now is to grow and be heard.

19.  fuck idk tbh the most we can really do is post about it and hope people see and listen

[purplesurveys]

752

Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No, my girlfriend is super laidback and in fact she’s always the one encouraging me to go out and try new stuff with other people.

Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? No but that doesn’t sound like a very nice thing to do either.

How many true heartbreaks have you had in your lifetime? In a romantic sense, once. I’ve had my heart crushed in other ways as well, like when a loved one dies.

Who last grabbed your ass? It’s definitely Gab but I don’t remember when that was. It’s been a while.

Have you ever cut yourself? Yeah man, I was big on that from 2016-2017. If I remember correctly I had a short lapse last year too, which is disappointing.

Do you get a 'Good Morning' text from someone every day? Not everyday but often enough. I like them; I do feel like I need greetings like those more so these days since I haven’t gotten to see anyone other than my family for two months now.

Do you have any gay family members? I honestly think I do but my family is so secretive about everything, from family drama to who has a terminal illness to sexual orientation. I will probably be the first one to publicly come out, if everything goes right in the new few months.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? I got it from one of the independent clothing stores in Feliz. They sold all these really cute tiny halter tops for only ₱80 each ($1.60)?!?!?! which was wild so I went ahead and got like four, and one of them is what I’m wearing at the moment. I’m so desperate to be outside, or at least, feel like I’m outside, so I’ve taken to wearing the clothes I’d wear in public right at home loooool.

Do any of your friends dislike each other? Yes lmao it’s hilarious. Andrew (who’s part of the newer wave of members in our org) has never been able to win over my OG org friends – Jo, Kate, Aya – so it gets super awkward when both ~generations~ get together in org parties. Since I’m everyone’s friend I always have to divide my time between groups or tables so that I get to spend time with everyone :(

Who is your last missed call from? It was from Angela’s mom, who called on the morning of my birthday to greet me. I feel bad about missing the call but you have to know that I hate getting calls from anyone other than Gabie, so when I woke up to my phone ringing I just rolled over to the other side and let the call pass. I did thank her profusely once I was properly up though.

Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? This was me last night. As a journalism major, I felt very helpless seeing ABS-CBN get off the air at 7:47 PM and even more helpless when I saw so many people rejoicing over their shutdown, with absolutely no regard for the 11,000 employees who have just lost their jobs. Times have been hard enough in the country because of the government’s poor response to the virus, and now one of our biggest sources of news and information has also been silenced. It was enough to make me shut down last night and I just couldn’t do anything, couldn’t think properly, couldn’t even talk to my girlfriend.

Was your first kiss romantic? I’ve always thought it had been more awkward, but when we got to talking about it in the past my girlfriend apparently found it very romantic and sweet.

Do you miss any of your ex's right now? No ex.

Have you ever overdosed on anything? I have not.

What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? Look two questions above.

Who was the last person to text you before you went to bed? No one texted me before bed but I did get a text upon waking up this morning; it was Andrew. I’m guessing they saw that I deactivated all my social media last night because they texted their concern for me and told me they were gonna be there for me if I needed anyone to talk to.

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? One.

Do you know anybody whose last name is a color? Answered this in a survey but yeah, Maroon and Black.

What are you most likely to go to jail for? Ooh I dunno, I’m honestly such a goody two shoes skskksks. Does answering back to the police count? That’s the legit worst thing I imagine myself doing.

Where was your last kiss? Near my car. I was leaving Gabie’s place and she walked me to my car, and I gave her a kiss before I left.

Who was your date to Prom? My cousin. I didn’t give a shit about prom during my junior year since I was super infatuated with Gabie then, I was already seeing her, and I still had no guy friends, but because prom in my school was mandatory attendance I just pulled my favorite cousin to be with me that night.

Do you still talk to your first love? Yeah, I’m still with her to this day.

Whose wedding did you go to first? I honestly don’t remember since I was gotten as flower girl so many times as a toddler. I do have photos of being a flower girl when I was 3 and at least, that’s the oldest-documented wedding I was in. I don’t know whose it was, but it must have been a very distant relative since I only went with my paternal grandparents and absolutely no one else from my family, not even my parents lol.

When is the last time you went to the beach? Nasugbu, August 2019.

Do you ever feel like life is going by too fast? For sure. April was a fucking blur.

Are you ashamed of anyone you've dated in the past? No but my friends have always made me feel like not dating Mike was a bullet dodged. I dunno what to think of it though as I barely knew/know him.

What about anyone you've been friends with? Mostly no, since former friends were important to me at some point and to be ashamed of them is to throw away the good times we did have, but I do prefer to dissociate myself from Athenna. Her behavior has turned so rotten in college and she badmouthed Angela and made her miserable for a very long time; it’s like I have no clue who she is now. Apparently people in her school also think she’s a fucking weirdo, so that has just made me all the more confused about what’s happened to her through the years.

Have you ever made out with someone in a pool? In the sea, yes. Not in a pool since there’s always kids around.

What are you doing this weekend? Same thing I’ve been doing the last 51 days I guess: have late breakfast, take several surveys, maybe take a nap, continue my Spanish lessons, play with my dog, take more surveys, maybe meet some progress on my thesis if I feel mentally capable to work on it.

Who’s the last person that slept over your house? I think it was Gabie. I’m really the only family member that brings over someone at our place for the night haha, and it’s usually Gabie.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? Yes.

Have you ever kissed someone with a tongue ring? No but this did remind me of when I used to have a big crush on CM Punk, who used to have a lip ring hahahahahaha.

Is it hard for you to get over a lover? As a demi, I imagine it would be very hard as it would also be losing a best friend.

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex? I wouldn’t say that. I have a couple of close friends though.

Was your mom ever a stripper? No.

Do you regret any of the relationships you were in? A little bit. I wish my first relationship with Gabie ended months sooner than it actually did. The last few months of it were just us beating around the bush and physically avoiding it each other in school; it was a huge waste of time.

Have you ever tried making someone jealous? Yes, that’s what I did when we ^ finally broke up. By the time we broke up I had long accepted that the relationship wasn’t working and I was already doing a little fine, and I was well enough to do stuff to make her see that she was missing out. It’s high school pettiness so I’ve forgiven myself for it lol.

Would you ever get a boob job? I’ve definitely thought about it but idk. I’ll have to be rich enough to want to allot money for plastic surgery because it’s not very essential for me.

Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? Because of her.

Who is the last person you flirted with? Just my girlfriend.

Whos the most racist person you know? Probably my mom. She has said some eyeroll-worthy stuff about the Chinese throughout the lockdown and I remember she initially had a negative reaction to my cousin Joelle when she introduced us to her black fiancé. I do know she’s a bit scared of me because I wouldn’t hesitate to call her out on her racism, so thankfully her statements have lessened over the years.

Do people ever compliment your eyes? Not really. It’s not a strong suit.

Have you ever lied to your boyfriend/girlfriend? Eh, just about small stuff like lying about not being hungry.

When is the last time you saw one of your ex's? Gabie was my ex at one point I guess? I last saw her March 7th.

Who was the last person you hung out with? Also Gabie. She was the last non-family member I saw before the whole world fell apart, basically lol.

Which one of your ex's do you hate the most?

Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? No. I never understood why it’s a big deal for a lot of couples and I’d genuinely like to hear a good reason why. We don’t watch porn together but Gab and I would definitely watch some on our own time and it hasn’t affected our relationship or sex life at all.

Out of everyone you kissed, give me the initials of the best kisser? I’ve only kissed one person and she kisses amazingly, so GAD.

Do you regret a lot of things you did in the past? No. Just some small stuff here and there.

How many people have you kissed this year? One.

How many people has your best friend had sex with? One.

How long have you known the last person you kissed? I have technically known her since 2002, but we didn’t know each other and become friends until 2011.

Do you think one of your friends is a slut? No. One of my former acquaintances was and I’m so not saying that in a judgy way lmao she can fuck whoever she wants whenever she wants, but I don’t really talk to her anymore + she’s no longer single.

When is your birthday? April 21st.

[mediaeval-muse]

Book Review... Gwen Rowley, “Knights of the Round Table: Gawain”

Rating: 2/5 stars

Genre: fantasy romance

Part of a Series? Yes, Knights of the Round Table #3 (of 3)

Summary: Loyal Sir Gawain pledges to marry a hideous crone in exchange for the answer to a riddle that will save King Arthur's life. But the loathly lady is actually the lovely Aislyn, former sorceress, in disguise, who is out to make Gawain pay for rejecting her in the past. Then Aislyn finds herself enchanted by the gallant knight.

***Full review under the cut.***

Overview: I’m currently reading a bunch of romance novels with a friend of mine as a way of getting more familiar with the genre, and I remember seeing this book recommended by another medieval enthusiast, so the two of us decided to give it a whirl. While the idea of retelling the story of Gawain and Ragnelle isn’t inherently a bad one, I felt like this book missed the mark in so many ways. There were some saving graces; the relationship between Arthur and Gawain was very well done, in my opinion. It just wasn’t enough to make up for the things that bothered me.

Trigger Warnings: violence, misogyny, rape

Writing: Rowley writes with a fairly straightforward prose style, but one that tells a lot rather than shows. It wasn’t the most irritating style I’ve encountered; it just made the book more skimmable, which I guess could be a good thing if you’re a reader who likes to get through books quickly. Some of the dialogue was humorous (by design), which made for a more light-hearted reading experience; it did feel very modern than what I would expect of medieval characters, aside from a few stray “yons” and “lemans” thrown in to make it feel more archaic. Honestly, I preferred the more modern style rather than the fake medieval-speak, since the medievalisms made the dialogue feel more wooden than natural. But overall, the I didn’t find the style unbearable - it just wasn’t interesting. The major flaw in the writing, for me, was the random insertion of characters’ memories and flashbacks. They occurred at random moments that interrupted the flow of the story - they sometimes interrupted a sentence that continued on after the memory was over! I would have preferred flashbacks be handled more deliberately, not thrown in whenever something in the plot vaguely reminded a character of something from their past.

Plot: As I mentioned above, the idea of retelling the story of Gawain and Ragnelle isn’t a bad one. I love authors who try to rework medieval tales to give women more agency and character. Unfortunately, Rowley decided to do so in a way that cut out a lot of the most interesting stuff from the original tale. We start with the end of the story, when Aislyn, disguised as a crone named Ragnelle, agrees to give Arthur the answer to his quest in exchange for Gawain’s hand in marriage. Rather than the curse being inflicted on her before the marriage, as it is in the medieval tale, the curse is inflicted after, when a character is trying to punish Aislyn for messing with Gawain (in the form of her using her crone form to torture him for a past slight). For me, this killed all the excitement and shifted the focus away from the original message of the tale (about female agency and sexual dynamics) to one about how love can overcome barriers. It would have been a good shift, but I didn’t get the sense that love was overcoming barriers by the end of the book - Gawain doesn’t seem to actually learn the lesson from the original tale, and Aislyn mostly struggles with whether or not to be obedient to Gawain. While I can understand wanting to make female characters more agentive from the beginning, I found this book’s reworking of the plot less interesting than the original medieval tale. The change in focus also made the plot drag a little bit. In the first 80 pages, all of the focus was on Gawain’s disgust at Ragnelle’s form or Aislyn’s/Ragnelle’s desire for revenge. We follow Gawain and Ragnelle as they explore married life, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds since Gawain is forever struggling with Ragnelle’s ugliness and Ragnelle/Aisling is always looking for ways to torment him. After Aislyn is formally cursed on pages 85-86, the plot has a goal, but nothing in the structure of the narrative seems to work towards that goal in a very efficient way. Events don’t seem to build on one another, so the plot didn’t feel like it had shape. There are also a few events that seem to be inserted to show conflict between Gawain and Lancelot, and some that showcase Gawain’s anguish over his past. While some of these things bring Ragnelle and Gawain closer together, the conflict with Lancelot and Gawain’s emotional pain definitely overshadowed the moments of tenderness between the characters. What I disliked the most, however, was that everyone - main characters and side characters alike - seemed to be in petty conflict with one another. There’s obvious tension between Gawain and Lancelot, and Aislyn’s inner thoughts about Guinevere and the other ladies of the court disappointed me (why can’t we have more medievaly stories in which women band together, I ask). Aside from these conflicts, everyone got on my nerves for treating Ragnelle as subhuman. While their treatment of her could have been the moral lesson of the book, it didn’t come through consistently; I did get the sense that the book was supposed to showcase how Camelot isn’t the paradise it is made out to be, but a lot of the mistreatment felt like drama or humor rather than a teaching tool. I did like, however, that Ragnelle’s purpose seemed to change so that she was at the center of a lot of conflicts between men - in this way, I think she exposed a lot of the underlying problems in a male homosocial society. However, as much as she pointed to a lot of the problems, she also perpetuated them.

Characters: I had an extremely hard time liking either Aislyn or Gawain for a large portion of this book. Aislyn, our heroine, is constantly thinking ill of other women or thinking herself better than them, except in incidents. She’s out for revenge, and while I get that being left by a man you loved is devastating, I personally find seeking revenge for that a little petty, especially when you can just use your words and clear up any misconceptions. She got better as the book progressed, standing up for other women and calling out injustice, but I still had a hard time with her, since she seemed to waver between being a strong-willed character and being a bully. Gawain, despite being one of the best knights in Arthurian lore, starts out as kind of a sexist jerk with a lot of emotional turmoil from his past. His sense of honor was admirable, and I want to make clear that I do think that aspect of him was well done, but he was so angsty that his main purpose was to be a wet blanket for most of the book. I also wasn’t wholly convinced he had changed in his ways by the end of the book. The villains of the piece weren’t even that interesting. Morgause is completely one-dimensional: a power-hungry seductress whose motives aren’t exactly clear and, based on her actions, poses next to no real threat to anyone. Somer Gromer Jour (or Launfal), Aislyn’s brother, could have been interesting if Morgause herself wasn’t so over-the-top and Launfal had more of a purpose other than to be Morgause’s victim. Lancelot and Guinevere are also turned into antagonists by the way they blatantly disrespect not only Ragnelle, but other knights of the Round Table. It was kind of a mess. But despite all that, I did like the relationship between Arthur and Gawain. They had some nice exchanges that showed how complex their dynamic was, with Arthur being both Gawain’s king and uncle. Gawain and Ragnelle also had some nice moments where they were honest with one another, and those bits were well done.

Other Romance: I honestly didn’t see much romantic chemistry between Aislyn and Gawain, perhaps because Aislyn was so antagonistic towards him for so long. Don’t get me wrong - I’m a fan of enemies-to-lovers tropes, but this novel didn’t really feel like it was really getting to the heart of the angst and pain between the characters and working on unraveling it. Instead, the conflict was easily cleared up by just talking (even if the characters didn’t act on it for a long time). Instead, their relationship felt more platonic, which wouldn’t be a problem if this book was marketed as a genre other than romance. Misogyny: I understand that a lot of authors writing about the Middle Ages will embed some sexism in their books, but I am still irritated when I see it. Rowley has Gawain start out as holding very misogynistic views, despite his medieval counterpart being one of the most courteous knights to women (and even in the book, Gawain wavers back and forth). The book also makes use of various tropes which  I dislike: Morgause is a seductress who (I think) rapes Launfal regularly, characters use words like “bitch” and “slut,” a male character views his wife as worthless for not bearing a son, etc. Poor Guinevere couldn’t catch a break since she was being portrayed as a cheating harlot the whole time, and Morgana popped in for all of 10 seconds to serve her part in the plot before moving on. Rowley also writes an episode where the Saxons blame the women for the peaceweaver system failing, which was utterly baffling to me. And Gawain still seems to hold his view that a wife should be obedient to her husband until the very last second - around page 307 of the book.

Moving on to Other Books in the Series? No.

Recommendations: I would recommend this book if you’re a romance reader or interested in Arthurian retellings.

[ftsabrinas-blog]

          phew !  for  ONCE  i  finally  put  my  page  together  &  was  actually  prepared  this  time  around ! usually ,  i’m  rushing  to  get  it  done  along  with  my  intro  before  the  limit  runs  out ,  but  look  at  me ,  being  productive !  anyways ,  my  name’s  𝒓𝒖𝒎𝒊 ,  22+ ,  i  prefer  THEY/THEM  pronouns  &  this  would  be  my  very  first  time  playing  miss  roseanne  park so  i  hope  i  can  do  her  some  justice  with  my  volatile  baby  girl  𝑠𝑎𝑏𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑎  𝑘𝑖𝑚  !  she’s  the  beautiful  blend  of  part  wild  child ,  part  head  bitch  in  charge  with  a  glorious  splash  of  GLEAMING  highlight ,  oversized  balenciaga  sweatshirts ,  &  a  tongue  coated  with  venom .  i  hope  you  guys  can  grow  to  love  her  as  much  as  i  have !  

          ˗ˏˋ  PARK CHAEYOUNG  ／ SHE  &  HER  ／  TWENTY-THREE  .  welcome to  los  angeles ,  sabrina  kim ! the  glitterati  has  been  watching  you  .  rumour has  it  you  made  your  first  mark  in  the  industry  SIX  YEARS ago  & that  your net  worth  currently  stands  at $6.8M  .  it  seems  as  though  you’re  enjoying  being  a  gymnast  since  relocating  from  sydney  , australia  .  some  might  say  you’d  be  a  good  fit  for  the  glitterati  due  to  your  hollywood  ranking  being  a  solid  #2   ,  &  it  helps  that  fans  speak  so  highly  of  your SCINTILLATING  & METICULOUS  ways  .  unfortunately  ,  our  sources  cite  that  those  closest  to  you  aren’t  particularly  impressed with  your  MEPHISTOPHELIAN  & SENTENTIOUS  tendencies  .  ／  PENNED  BY  RUMI ,  22 , THEY/THEM  , EASTERN  ,  CANCER ,  GORE  &  GRAPHIC VIOLENCE  .

NAME: sabrina jane kim.

NICKNAME(S): sj, rina & kimmie.

BIRTHDAY: july 9th, 1996.

ZODIAC: cancer.

MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic neutral.

GENDER: cisfemale.

PRONOUNS: she/her.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual.

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: biromantic.

HEIGHT: 5′6″.

HOMETOWN: sydney, new south wales, australia.

NATIONALITY: australian.

ETHNICITY: korean.

OCCUPATION: former collegiate gymnast & olympic hopeful.

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english, korean & learning japanese.

CHARACTER INSPO: heather chandler, jennifer check, cheryl blossom ( season one ), cher horowitz & chanel oberlin ( i hate that they’re all white, but they’re the best examples i could find; please don’t hate me ! )

born in sydney, sabrina’s parents are grace and jin-young kim. grace is a former pageant queen who won miss korea in the late 80s and miss universe in the early 90s. her mom never really wanted to pursue a career in modeling, but she graciously accepted her prizes and managed to become more well-known for her acting. her mom was in a lot of early k-dramas and was a natural in front of the camera, so she immediately shot to stardom in korea. her father, jin-young, had been a graduate of the prestigious seoul national university with a degree in preliminary medicine; he went on to medical school with an interest in becoming a cardio-thoracic surgeon.

grace and jin-young dated for about three years before they married in 1994, and became parents midway through 1996. the couple moved to australia in 1995 as they wanted to build a beautiful home near the beach and thought that sydney was the best place to do it. sabrina was brought into the world after seventeen hours of labor, and much like kourtney kardashian, grace immediately reached down and pulled her out as soon as she could. it’s suffice to say that their relationship has been close ever since.

sabrina was a child who had everything she could have wanted while growing up. she always had the latest toys, the latest accessories, and the best gadgets – she never had to want for anything. this wasn’t entirely a good thing as she grew into being someone who believed that she deserved any and everything when she wanted it. ever since she was a little girl, grace and jin-young would put her in all sorts of clubs, hoping to find one that piqued their daughter’s interest and that just so happened to gymnastics.

she started a little bit later with it, joining her community gym when she was eight. sabrina was brand new while some of the girls around her had started when they were as young as two, but that didn’t deter her. she made sure to work hard and practice, and eventually, she was so good no one could tell she started late in life. gymnastics was her life and she was always going above and beyond – she started competing in competitions held around australia, never allowing herself to do less than silver. when it came to attending college, while sabrina could have stayed in australia, she decided that going to the states would bring more opportunities, so she decided to attend ucla where she majored in communications, but continued her deep love for gymnastics.

coming in as a freshman, sabrina sat back and listened to her coach as well as her captain. she didn’t really step out of the box much, but once her sophomore year rolled around, she did. eventually, sabrina became the captain of the team during her junior year and she did so with an iron fist. sabrina was EXTREMELY no nonsense when it came to practices and didn’t hesitate to rat someone out for not putting in the 110% she expected out of all of the girls, even those who were older than her. suffice to say, sabrina’s teammates did not like her.

now, sabrina’s main event was floor, but she does vault, and balance-beam. during her collegiate career, she had gotten six perfect scores for floor, so of course her head was a little inflated. she supported her team no matter what, but sabrina could be a tyrant in practice but a sweetheart during interviews, and for whatever reason her teammates had a problem with that. so, they decided to secretly record one of their rides home from a competition ( thank GOD their coach wasn’t on the bus at the time because … they got chewed out )and sabrina didn’t hold her tongue. at the time, she felt as though she was carrying the weight of the team and that the girls had given up, so she was upset especially since the team scored lower as a whole which was very rare.

next thing you know, the recording is posted ‘anonymously’ on twitter and people have a field day. not only amongst students but even a few news shows picked up on it once it became much bigger than what it should have ever been. it was a situation of “come one, come all” in a sense, where no one really had an issue with sabrina until the video was posted, and then suddenly people were replying to the tweet saying how much of a bitch, a bully, and overall terrible person she was. sabrina, however, wasn’t going to run and hide when everything hit the fan.

her coach made her write an apology letter to her team ( which she did NOT care about in any way ) and also to the ncaa, you know, to save face since she still had about six months left before graduating. sabrina was extra petty after everything happened because her team didn’t account for the mob mentality and attacking she faced, so they tried being nice to her and saying it was a prank, but she wouldn’t talk to them at all. once, they were in practice and she had to say something to group so she said it in korean and wouldn’t translate for them any of what she said.

so now, sabrina has graduated and joined a gym in california, competing and hoping to someday become a member of team usa. she probably has an entire room in her apartment that’s filled with all of her accolades since joing the team at ucla, but her ‘bitch’ reputation still follows her from ucla, but she embraced the hell out of it. even though she had to write that apology letter to her team, she didn’t mean a word of it and if they thought she’d suddenly stop being a bitch then they were dead wrong. if anything, it made her more of one and she’s not playing games, especially when it comes to her career.

lastly, when it comes to her personality, sabrina didn’t let that whole “scandal” affect her like they thought it would. honestly, she laughs about it now even though people like to think she’ll bite of their heads during competitions ( which she will, no hesitation ). she kind of likes that people have something of a fear of her, which is why her main negative trait is mephistophelian, a fancier word for demonic and derived from the demon named mephistopheles, but she’s just as charming as ever. still a bitch, manipultive, and really spiteful. she loves dropping in insult but covering it up with a false nicety, so she’s like a tiny ball of fire at all times.

[writing-in-grey]

We Were Invincible

I met you my senior year of high school. You had turquoise hair and talked to me as if we’d been friends a lifetime. That first day, the day I met you, you told me we were going to the mall after school. The final bell rang and I got in your car, a Volkswagen Jetta older than we were, passed down to you from your sister, who had gotten bored of the plain white paint and spray-painted a Duck Hunt mural on the sides the way bumptious boys adorn their cars with flames. We drove with the windows down and the radio blasting, and even in your ancient Jetta we overtook every car we met.

I had never before walked into a building feeling like I owned the place, but that’s exactly what we did. We walked into the mall with our arms linked and our heads held up high, ready to take the place by storm. Seventeen years old with the world at our fingertips. We dressed up in lavish outfits, posing for each other and fitting room mirrors. We stuffed our toes into the highest heels we could find, strutting back and forth with our hands on our hips and drowning in raucous laughter. We even went into a photo booth, our arms draped around each other, making faces at the camera. When the mall closed, you drove me back to my house and parked in my driveway. The stars were out, and we lay on the hood of your car, talking until the wee hours of the morning.

That is what I think of when I remember you: high heels and photo strips and lying on your Duck Hunt car as we looked up at the stars. And, of course, that feeling – like nothing in the world could possibly touch us. Like we were invincible.

We became inseparable, you and I. At school, we were above the mass populace. We were smarter, we were more charming, we had our shit figured out. We were special. While the rest of the class continued to struggle with the assignment, we whispered and giggled in the back of the classroom, because we’d already finished. While the rest of the school had to each lunch in the cafeteria, we had special permission to eat in our advisor’s office, just us two. While everyone else got caught up in petty high school drama, we were off in our own little world, above it all.

After school, we’d spend hours at the mall. We’d have countless fitting room fashion shows, each trying to outdo the other. We’d search for the goofiest accessories we could find in the Dollar Store and model them for two-minute photo shoots. We’d race each other from one end of the mall to the other, weaving in and out of shoppers and ducking into alcoves to avoid mall security telling us off for running.

I don’t think I spent a single weekend at home the whole of my senior year. Friday nights we’d hole up in your bedroom, queue up some romantic comedy or other on your laptop, and paint each other’s nails. We even learned how to make fun patterns and designs. We’d stuff ourselves with ice cream piled high with syrup and whipped cream, stay up late, and sleep in later. 

Sometimes I’d have a change of clothes with me, but usually I’d just borrow something of yours when we finally did wake up on Saturdays. Then we’d head to Michaels and each find a craft project to work on, which we’d take back to your house and start in on with more romcoms playing in the background. That year I learned how to draw, how to paint, how to knit and crochet and cross-stitch and sew. We’d spend the whole day just crafting, half-watching movies we’d already seen or didn’t care about, and talking. Talking about anything and everything. About boys and school and all that drama we were so above. About our hopes and our dreams and our plans once we graduated.

Every other Saturday night, I’d help you dye your hair, which was ever-changing. We’d sit in your tiny bathroom in our underwear, covered in spilled color and trying hard not to choke on bleach fumes. Once I even let you dye my hair, but I picked a bad color and had to dye it back a couple days later. We got it right later, though, when I finally dared to try again.

The summer after we graduated was full of late-night adventures and sleepovers that regularly turned into two or three or even four nights in a row. Sometimes you’d text me at 10 or 11pm, asking if I wanted to spend the night. I will forever associate that summer with late-night drives down the deserted country roads between our houses, windows down, moonroof open, and music blasting.

The day you turned eighteen, I held your hand as you got your first tattoo: a purple butterfly on your wrist. Purple, our shared favorite color, the color of your walls and your bedsheets and half your wardrobe and, quite often, your hair. And a butterfly to symbolize your favorite quote: Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. You had that quote painted on your purple walls, and butterflies littered your life. They hung on your walls, painted or drawn; they decorated several of your t-shirts, skirts, dresses, even your socks; they adorned your wall-calendar and the cover of your journal; they were on your pens and the stationary that you only used for the specialest of occasions (which meant, of course, that not a single sheet had yet been used); and then there was the silver butterfly ring that never left your finger, not even for a moment. And now you had a purple butterfly permanently on your wrist, forever your protector.

I drew you a butterfly card for that birthday – sketched in pencil and filled in with soft pastels, the blues and purples blended together with my fingertips – and you hung it in a place of prominence on your wall before we left for the tattoo parlor. Sometimes I wonder if it’s still on your wall, one college dorm room and three apartments later. Somehow I doubt the card survived when not even the tattoo managed that.

We stood in your driveway on a scorching hot day in the middle of August next to your Duck Hunt Jetta, packed to bursting with everything you’d need at college. You stepped so close to me our noses were barely two inches apart, took both of my hands in yours, and said, “What distance?” You were still laughing as you slid behind the wheel of your car, slammed the door, and pulled out of the drive. I waved until you turned the corner out of sight, and you stuck your arm out of the window and waved back the whole time. Once you were gone, I got into my own car, parked on the street and also packed to the brim, and set off myself. Yes it sucked that our colleges were states apart, but I knew we’d remain just as close despite the miles between us. Like you said, what distance?

College was nothing like high school. It was loud and fast and full, and I was so very small and lost without you. I tried to make friends, but it seemed like every time I opened my mouth to say hello, everyone in my general vicinity would simply vanish, like smoke on the wind. I texted you every time I felt like crying, which was all but constantly. I asked you how you were doing, but what I meant was, are you still here with me? Are you still there to be my lifeline now that I’m finally drowning? You texted back that things were great. You’d joined a theater club and everyone in it was just so nice. They were mostly upperclassmen who had been friends for years already, but within minutes you were one of them. You said that you had bonded with three of them in particular, two junior boys and a sophomore girl. The girl and one of the boys had been high school sweethearts; you were sure they were going to get married one day, and you’d just love it if you got to be Maid of Honor. A wish you were granted, years later.

I tried not to text you every time I needed reassurance. I tried to give you space to be happy at your new school with your new friends. I knew all of that was important, so I didn’t blame you for no longer having time for me. But I still clutched my phone so tightly I thought the casing would crack, just waiting for a text to come through. I was sure that once the chaos that was the first few months of college calmed down, once you’d had time to settle into a routine, then you’d have time for me again. I could wait. I might have been drowning, but I would become a champion at holding my breath.

I even found my own group of friends. It felt like months before I did, but it was only a week and a half. I say I found them, but really it was the other way ‘round. They adopted me, just as you had. And they were wonderful, truly. There were three of them, just as you’d found for yourself. Natalie and Amelia were roommates. It was Nat who approached me first. She said that sitting alone in the cafeteria was “unacceptable,” and I was to join her and Amelia immediately – if that was alright with me, of course. They invited me to their room that evening, and, on a whim, I asked if I could bring along my own roommate, Penelope, to whom I hadn’t said more than two words in the week and a half we’d been living together. I don’t know why she came with me when I asked her, but she did, and the four of us just… clicked.

That night, once Penny and I had gone back to our room, turned out the lights, and Penny’s breathing grew slow and even, I texted you about my newfound friends. I was so excited I thought I’d surely burst, and I knew you’d be excited for me, too. I told you everything, from how we met to what we’d done all evening, and how we had plans to hang out all weekend, too. My fingers were trembling with the exhilaration of it all as I typed, and my thumb missed the “send” button three times. I watched as the words moved from the message box to the big blue bubble, as the word beneath it changed from “sending” to “delivered” to “read.”

I told myself I wouldn’t text you until you texted me, but I always broke first. I’d have some amazing adventure with my friends, or I’d get riled up about an annoying classmate, or I’d just see something funny I thought might make you laugh, and I’d tell you about it. Sometimes you’d answer – something short, like “haha” or “sounds fun” or “ok” – but mostly you wouldn’t. 

I tried to forget about you. I tried to lose myself in my new friends, these people who actually wanted to spend time with me. We spent just about every waking moment together, the four of us, making all sorts of fantastic memories. But still what I remember most about that time with them was my hand on my phone, waiting for you to miss me. And sometimes, finally, I would start to let you go, but the moment my fingertips were about to let go was always the moment my phone would ring. You were like a drug I would finally detox from my system, right before someone slipped you back in my drink.

I don’t think I’d ever been as excited for a school vacation as I was for winter break at the end of that first semester. Nor as anxious. I shouldn’t have been, but I was desperate to see you again. I tried so hard not to be, but I was. I think I just wanted to regain that feeling that you gave me, that invincibility, that feeling that I was important. I don’t know why no one else has ever been able to give me that quite like you did. Maybe it’s just because you were the first. But whatever the reason, I was like a child waiting for Christmas morning. Or maybe more like a lost puppy trying to get home.

I texted you weeks before school let out asking when you’d be home and if you wanted to get together. I’d been home for nine days already when you texted me at 10:47pm: “Do you wanna sleep over?”

I left a note for my parents and jumped in the car. The car thermometer said it was twelve degrees outside, but I put the heat on full blast, rolled down all the windows, opened the moonroof, and cranked up the music as I sped my way down the dark, slush-covered roads. I was about halfway to your house when it started to snow, snowflakes falling through the moonroof and drifting in the windows, the few that weren’t blasted immediately back out by the heaters settling on my hair and my eyelashes, but melting before they could do much more.

My safe arrival, despite my less than cautious driving in already unsafe conditions, was just more proof that, with you, nothing could touch me. I let myself in when I got to your house, as I always had. I didn’t even need to use a flashlight as I crept my way through the unlit hallways, so well did I remember them from the innumerable times I’d done this before, and I avoided all of the squeaky stairs as I made my way up to your room; your parents never minded me coming over late, so long as I didn’t wake them. When I rounded the corner of the stairs, I saw light spilling out from around the edges of your door, just like always, and that familiar light filled me the way the spirit of God fills some. I slipped in your door and shut it softly behind me, and there everything was – the purple walls, the butterflies, my sleeping bag and pillow tucked in a corner of the room. And you. You were lying on your twin-size bed, engrossed in your phone.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” you said, without looking up.

“Your hair’s brown,” I said.

“Hang on, I’m talking to Elizabeth.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Okay, no problem.” I don’t think you heard me.

One minute. Two. Three. I took out my phone and started playing a game, just so I wouldn’t have to stand there like a stranger in your room.

“Heeeey, what’s up!” Twelve minutes, but you finally jumped up and hugged me.

“Your hair’s brown,” I said again.

“Yeah, I decided to go back to natural for a while.”

“It looks good,” I said. “Weird, but good. I don’t think I even knew what your natural hair color was,” I laughed.

“Oh no, this isn’t my natural color, just a natural color.”

“Oh.”

“I was so happy you asked me to hang out,” you said. “I was worried you’d forget about little old me.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Oh, you know, just with all the excitement of new people and places, who even has time to remember the little folk back home?” you laughed.

“I texted you a lot,” I said, “but I wasn’t sure if they went through a lot of the time.”

“I love how I don’t even have to reply but you still know I love getting your little updates.”

I swallowed, hard. “So, um,” I said, swallowing again. “Tell me about your friends at school.”

“Oh. My gosh. They are the best. Elizabeth and Benjamin just make the sweetest couple; they’re totally going to get married someday, but I told you that already, didn’t I? But even though they’ve been together longer, I still think me and Lucas are cuter–”

“Wait, you and Lucas are dating?”

“Um, yeah, where have you been?” you said, laughing again. “We’ve been dating for months. And, speaking of, guess who no longer has their V-card?” you asked, pointing at yourself with both hands. “I gave it to him after we’d been dating for a week. How. Great. Is sex?”

“So, did you just get home?”

“Oh no, I’ve been back for about a week and a half. It is so dull here; I can’t wait to go back to school. How did we survive here for so long?”

“It’s a mystery.”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. All this boredom really takes it out of a girl, you know?”

“Right, yeah.”

“Sweet dreams, then,” you said as you turned off the lights.

I unrolled my sleeping bag in the dark, arranging it and the pillow in my usual spot. I crawled in and stared at the ceiling, not remotely tired. I was barely settled when the blackness of the ceiling vanished, replaced by the soft blue glow of the screen of your phone. Through the semi-darkness I could hear the tik-tik-tiking of you texting, a sound that was still ongoing when I finally fell asleep at quarter to four in the morning, and even then I heard it in my dreams.

I woke up before you – not a rare occurrence, but usually we were up within half an hour of each other. Then again, we usually fell asleep around the same time, too; lord only knows how long you continued to text your new and better friends after I fell asleep. I dressed in the dark – the morning light blocked out, as always, by your heavy curtains – and played around on my phone for about an hour, waiting for you to wake. When you didn’t, I grabbed a book off your shelf and made my way downstairs, where I helped myself to some frozen waffles. When I finished the waffles, I stayed seated at your kitchen table and read. It was an hour and a half before you came down, and maybe I imagined it but you almost looked surprised to see me.

Once you’d finished your breakfast, I followed you back to your room, unsure whether or not that is what I was supposed to do. 

“Close the door, would you?” you asked as I entered.

I stood by the closed door as you stripped out of your pajamas and rummaged around in your dresser.

“Do you want to go to Michaels today?” I finally asked as you were pulling a t-shirt over your head. It was deep blue and featured a stylized fox face.

“Listen, I’m so glad you came over,” you said, “because there’s something I wanted to give you.” You pawed through the jewelry box on your dresser for a moment or two, then turned around to face me, your hand outstretched, palm up.

Sitting in your palm was your butterfly ring. I hadn’t even noticed that you weren’t wearing it.

“Really?” I asked.

“Really,” you said. “I want you to have something special to remember me by, even when we’re far apart.”

The warmth of your palm against the tips of my fingers was such a sharp contrast to the cold metal of the ring as my fingers wrapped around it, taking it from you. It was heavier than I thought it would be. I slipped it on, internally crowing that you had given this ring to me, not to Elizabeth, not to anyone else, but to me.

That was when I noticed your wrist.

“Hey, what happened to your tattoo?”

“Oh, laser removal. I’m really into foxes now. It’s this thing Lucas and I came up with, where I’m a fox and he’s a bear. It’s so cute. I’ve got, like, fox everything now. See?” you said, tugging at the hem of your fox-face t-shirt.

I glanced down at the butterfly ring adorning my finger – so meaningful just a few moments prior, now little more than a small hunk of metal.

I wore your butterfly ring every day for four months. I would fiddle with it every time I was tempted to keep my hand on my silent phone, waiting for a text that was never going to come. That ring was my methadone, keeping my hands busy to help me kick my addiction. It worked, and it didn’t. I stopped reaching for my phone so much, but the ring became an addiction in and of itself, worse even than its predecessor. That ring symbolized my entire relationship with you – the friend I remembered, who loved butterflies and hanging out with me; and the stranger you became, so willing to throw away everything you’d cherished as soon as you found something –someone – better. That ring was so bittersweet, and possessing it caused within me such intense and conflicting emotions that I could not give up. The highs I felt when I looked at that ring were beyond anything I’d ever known, and the lows were so devastating I thought I was surely going to die. But the thing is they all came at once, those highs and lows together, so that each felt like the other, and I came to associate pain with pleasure, pleasure with pain. I had hoped, initially, that the hurt associated with your ring would help me to let you go; if I wore a constant reminder of the pain you’d caused me, surely I wouldn’t still yearn for your affection. Instead, I grew only more attached to you, desperate for you to love me again, yet still gaining some sick satisfaction when you’d inevitably wound me further. Each scar you gave me became, in my mind, proof of your affection.

After four months of anguish, I took off the ring. I no longer understood a single emotion I had, and I had long ago gone mad with longing. I didn’t know how to fix myself, but I knew that this ring symbolized everything that was wrong inside my head. I was walking back to my dorm room after class when I did it. I was walking over a storm drain, and I stopped. Both feet on the grate. I started shifting my weight from my heels to the balls of my feet and back again just to savor the feeling of the something-then-nothing beneath my feet. I remember thinking maybe shifting my weight like this was like folding a piece of paper back and forth along the same crease, weakening it until it finally rips. Maybe if I shifted my weight back and forth and back and forth for long enough, the bars of the grate would weaken and then snap, and I’d fall right in and disappear forever.

I don’t know how long I stood there, just shifting my weight between my heels and the balls of my feet, the rest of my body swaying almost imperceptibly with each shift, waiting to fall into the eternal void that surely lay just beneath the storm drain. I do know that at some point I stopped. Stood perfectly still, so still I might not have even existed at all. Maybe the people walking all around me couldn’t even see me anymore; maybe I was invisible I was so still. I was so still that even my thoughts stopped. For just a moment or two, my mind was a perfect blank, and I took a breath as I stood there.

Then I raised your ring, still on my finger, to my eyes. I stared at it for nearly a minute, and then I took it off. I crouched down on the storm grate. I took the ring between my thumb and forefinger and held it over one of the gaps in the grate. Time seemed to stop as I held your ring over an abyss, threatening to lose it from this world forever. I think I might have cried then, but I honestly can’t say for sure. I wasn’t aware of any tears rolling down my cheeks, but when the wind blew, it felt wet against my face.

I couldn’t drop it.

Time began again and I stood up and ran back to my room as though the Devil himself were chasing me, your ring clutched tightly in my fist. I flew into my room and slammed the door behind me, still not daring to stop and breathe. I strode across the room to my dresser, and the jewelry box sitting atop it. I flung the box open and dug through the tangled heap of bracelets and necklaces I never wore that lay within. I dug until I reached the very bottom, and there I placed the ring. I piled the old bracelets and necklaces over it again, burying your ring quite thoroughly. That is where I kept it from then on, hidden at the bottom of my jewelry box. Never worn, nor even looked at, yet still not thrown away.

I no longer kept my hand on my phone while out with my friends, but I still texted you whenever no one else was looking.

With the approach of each school vacation, I always told myself that I wouldn’t ask you to hang out. And as soon as I was back in my childhood bedroom, I would always text you to ask if we could. Every yes was the same: me, desperate to remind you how we used to be; and you, dangling me along on a string, gracing me with your presence but never your attention.

After a couple years at school, we each moved out of the dorms and our parents’ houses, and into apartments near our respective schools. Once you moved out, your parents even sold your childhood home and retired to a town by the ocean. I thought surely this was it, the end of you and me. After all, we only ever saw each other when we both went home for breaks, and, with the sale of the house I knew almost better than my own, you would never again have cause to return to the sleepy little town in which we met. I was devastated, and oh so relieved.

But, for reasons I may never understand, you were not yet ready to cut that string on which you held me. Instead, you encouraged me to drive up to your apartment on breaks. I would blast my music for the three-hour drive and arrive exhausted. The three of us – you, me, and Lucas, with whom you now lived – would sit on your couch for hours as you played YouTube videos on your TV, and every time I opened my mouth you’d say, “Shh, you’re missing the video!” Then I’d crash on your couch and drive three hours back the next morning.

We soon graduated college and got Real Jobs™, but not much else changed. You still texted me just often enough to keep me hooked on you, and I would still drive three hours up to sit silently beside you and your boyfriend and then three hours back about once every two or three months, whenever you had time for me. For years, this is how it was, and I was never strong enough to change it.

Then, I met a man.

It was my first time trying a dating website, and he was the first person I talked to upon signing up. The only person I talked to, actually. I messaged him because I lived in New Hampshire and he lived in California and who could be safer to talk to as I eased my way into the online dating pool than a man who lived three thousand miles away?

Falling in love with him was faster and easier than anything I’d ever experienced. A month after we started talking, I flew to California to meet him in person. By the time I flew home four days later, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with him.

Nine months into our relationship, the lease on my apartment was up, my car was packed to the brim with all my worldly goods, and the love of my life was on a Boston-bound plane, preparing to be my co-pilot on a two-week road trip back to California and our first shared apartment. Here it was: the biggest adventure of my life thus far. All I had left to do was to say my goodbyes.

You said I had to see you before I left. Of course, I agreed. Luckily, your apartment wasn’t even out of the way; it was directly on the route we would already be driving. I told you when we’d be passing through your neck of the woods, date and time.

“I work Sundays,” you said. “Can’t you pick another day?”

“Don’t you get an hour lunch break, though?” I asked. “We can just get a quick bite to eat.”

“Saturdays are my day off,” you said. “Come up then!”

“But all our hotels are booked already. We can’t change them.”

“So just come see me on Saturday, go back and stay another night at your place, then start your trip on Sunday. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal,” I said, “is that we’re already going to be driving seven or eight hours a day, sometimes more, for two weeks straight. I can’t just add another six hours on top of that the day before, not when I’m already driving through that area anyway. Please,” I begged, “isn’t there any way we can make Sunday work?”

“I told you, I’m working.”

“Well then, you can come see me on Saturday. It’ll be fun; you never come to my place!”

“I would,” you said, “but I’m already driving down that way later that week. I’m getting a new tattoo! There’s a parlor that has great reviews just a couple towns over from where you are, actually. So I don’t want to do that many back-and-forth trips so soon after each other, you know? That’s just more driving than I think you realize.”

Saturday, the day before our trip was set to begin, you texted me: “So…?”

That was all you said. So much presumption in such a little word. The expectation that I’d move heaven and earth just to see you one last time before I moved.

I cried as I told you I would not. I told you I was sorry, that I wished I could see you before I left, but it just didn’t work out. You weren’t free when I was driving through, and you wouldn’t come see me, so it didn’t work out.

“I didn’t even know coming to see you was an option!” you said.

That conversation was so recent you barely would have had to scroll up to see it.

“I guess,” you said, “I’m just upset because I feel like I’m never going to see you again.”

It took me two days to respond to that message – two days for my fingers to stop shaking with anger, and with hurt, to be able to type. “I’m sorry you’re upset,” I said, “but let’s be real: I have never been a priority to you, and I am not going to put myself out now just to pretend to myself that I am.” I hit send, and my partner held me as I cried. I buried my face in his chest as I let out gut-wrenching sobs, and I felt his own tears fall into my hair as he bore witness to my grief.

When I finally sat up, wiping my puffy eyes on the backs of my hands, he asked me, “What do you want her to say back? How do you want this to go?”

“I don’t care,” I spat. “I don’t care what she says. I’m done with her, done with all of this. She’s never done anything to show me that I mattered to her, so I don’t care. I don’t care if she says she’s sorry or not; I’m just done.”

He squeezed my hand, not saying anything.

“No,” I said, “that’s not true.”

“Then, what do you want her to say?” he asked.

“Something,” I said.

My partner and I had an amazing road trip. We saw the New York City skyline from the George Washington bridge, and we explored Colonial Williamsburg. I met one of his childhood friends now living in Virginia, and he met one of my childhood friends now living in Pennsylvania. We explored the stunning botanical gardens in Atlanta, and a homeless man helped us change the flat tire we got as we tried to leave. We got caught in a sudden downpour as we walked the streets of New Orleans, as drenched the moment the rain started as we could possibly be. We drove through more ghost-towns than I could count, and we saw sun rise over the Grand Canyon. We stayed in 2-star hotels with comfy beds, free wifi, and free continental breakfasts, and we stayed in 5-star hotels with rock slabs for beds, $20/night wifi, and $15 plus 30% fees on room service. We played word-games to keep each other awake as we drove, napped in McDonald’s parking lots when that wasn’t enough. We drove through rain so thick we couldn’t see the taillights ahed of us, wind so strong it jostled the car, and skies bluer than I ever thought possible. And after two long yet incredible weeks, we finally pulled into the driveway that was ours-not-his, and parked.

“I guess that’s it then,” I said.

“Yup, home at last,” he said, knowing I wasn’t talking about the trip.

“Home at last,” I repeated.

“Still nothing?” he asked, glancing at my phone in my hands.

“Not a single word.”

“I’m sorry, love.”

“I didn’t want much,” I said. “I didn’t need her to apologize or say I was right. She could’ve yelled at me, called me names, told me she hated me, even. Because even if she got angry at me, you don’t get angry at people you don’t care about.”

He reached over and held my hand.

“She did the one thing she could’ve done to confirm what I said – that I don’t matter to her.”

“I know she meant a lot to you.”

I didn’t block your number from my phone, nor did I block you on social media (although I did remove you from my friends list). I don’t know why I didn’t block you. I think part of it is because I hoped you’d actually try to contact me someday. And I think part of it was because I knew you never would. And because sometimes, the only reasons I can remember for not messaging you are the two-hundred and sixty-one days and counting that you haven’t been blocked and have not said a single word to me. The truth is I miss you, and I’m not sure if that feeling will ever end. Because even though you were cruel to me for far longer than you were kind, still when I think of you it is of high heels and photo strips and lying on your Duck Hunt car as we looked up at the stars, back when we were invincible.