#I’m so sad rn no one talk to me
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removing myself off this planet.
#⭐️ — k’s thoughts#if u guys ever get a jay smau based off of this ex crush#best believe it’s gna be heavy angst#why hasn’t he changed like wtf PLEASE#always asking abt that one friend GO TALK TO HER URSELF THEN#U CALLED??? COOL IDC$!!#yes i do.#used to be us Quit playing#flashback to when they asked each other out while i was in the call like The hell!!!!!#glad my other friend was there i was so sad#but they broke up an hr later cs he didn’t like how she was being mean to me AWWWW#no i hate him bye!!!!!!#stop he’s texting me rn#guys i’m not okay blueberry needs to comeback i miss him#fuck this dude HATE HIS ASS
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i don’t think i’ve ever felt this lost in my life. tbh
#feeling sad? sure. hopeless? been there done that. anxious as hell? at least once a week. but lost? no. not really#and that’s really fucking scary because i’m not familiar with it and i just don’t know how to deal with it#i can’t stop thinking that i’m running out of time because i’m 25 and i don’t think i can afford feeling this way#taking a break from uni sounds good in theory but in reality? again. i’m 25. i need to at least achieve one thing in my life holy shit#it’s SO hard to see the good even when it’s right in front of me or someone points it out. like having a job or studying or getting to#travel or even just having friends ARE achievements but i always want More More and More i am addicted to wanting more cause it feels like#nothing i do is ever enough. and now i’m adding feeling lost because i’m finally acknowledging the fact that i don’t know what i want to do#with what i’m studying or how to get a different job in the future when i almost have no experience and everything is just so frustrating#because i simply don’t fucking know. i just don’t. i can’t afford not knowing!! everything is so messy rn you would think i’d be thriving#after seeing louis and meeting aria and traveling to germany and i am genuinely so happy those things happened but fuck man there is always#the Bigger Thing taking over and it makes me feel like an ungrateful brat i just don’t fucking know man. maybe i am an ungrateful brat#but it’s just so hard to be happy when you’re feeling so lost with everything in your life and yourself#anyway i just. needed to let that out#negative#effie talks to the moon
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I’m very mentally broken and fragile rn so I’m making a new oc.
#personal*#jess talks#I love having life changing bad news dumped on me suddenly🙃#really helped cure my fragile mental state from being ill for so long🫠#anyway I’ve been pondering a daggerheart oc for ages#I’m making one with my sister for fun#and she’s almost ready#I’ve just gotta think of stuff for her board etc#but rn I’m doing her character info on her sheet#so stay tuned#she’s hella fuckin cute#and encapsulates all my emotions of this day😅#ie she’s v sad but v cute
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y’all know how you follow really cool ppl and it’s like “wow you’re so cool I hope you never follow me/we don’t become mutuals because you’d find out i am entirely uncool and unhinged”
#deity dialogue#beaming ‘please don’t scroll through my blog I am very mentally ill on main’ at the cool butch person I follow who has been in my notes#because I’m p sure that one of my beloved mutuals who is already aware I’m a pathetic puddle of a person is mutuals with them#but yeah it’s like. if people I find cool follow me or check out my blog I live in utter fear of them going ‘oh they’re like actually sad a#goodbye forever’ ahdjfjtkt#idk how sad and weird it is to admit that every day I sit here and wonder if a beloved mutual is finally gonna go ‘okay I’ve had enough of#fae’ and unfollow me#this is also why I take a while to follow ppl back because I need to see if I’ve scared ppl off yet#I keep saying I plan to be less unwell on main#rn I’m getting back into tagging my sad posts (divine despair if you don’t know is the tag to block)#tbh I’m also just trying to make this year better but god I am so sad all the time the despair is like Bad#but today was good! so no super sad posts!!#hhhhh what am I even talking abouttttt#anyways shout out to my beloved friends and mutual ilyyy hiii if you read this far wow#actually does anyone read my tags because I talk so much like I’m incapable of shutting up (it’s terminal I fear)#<- the words of someone who is aware they talk so much and hates it and has had people try to silence them (my family also hates that I tal#a lot and use to bribe me into shutting up)#I must shut up now goodbye#see this is why cool people can’t follow me like
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being the eldest daughter really is just how do i shield my sibling from everything bad in the world and also how do i gentle parent my own parents
#being home makes me realise how much i had to self teach emotional regulation and communication skills#i am truly the glue holding this family together no one talks to each other just immediate defensiveness and yelling and being mean#like i truly just sit here in shock listening to my sister and my parents interact with one another and how easily fights break out#little by little i’m starting to feel like a guest in this home again despite this being the place i grew up in#family tw#parents tw#going back to the city tomorrow and I’m sad leaving again but i’m also like.#this environment is so bad for me mentally and emotionally#and i try and fix it but i’ll never be able to bc no one else wants to put in the effort to fix it#so i need to just stop trying to hold everyone together bc my parents are grown fucking adults#my sister is my baby so she’s a lil different but seriously this is too much#why is mom yelling at my dad before he even shows any sign of frustration/anger…#not that THAT is even an excuse to start yelling but like she’ll get mad at him for being mad when he’s NOT even mad??#please make this make sense bc rn i cannot comprehend it#everyone please get therapy!! god#talk time
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#i feel so stupid because i’m still processing the tl finale and i still feel numb and angry and sad about it#i don't want to be so affected by a tv show this is silly#but every time i see a rebecca gifset on my dash i start crying#can't bring myself to reblog them rn 😭#honestly i think i never cried so much like these past two days#it's just a tv show!! but one that means so much to me#and atm it's hard to separate this rushed canon ending from my beloved characters 💔#no ending was ever gonna be good enough for rebecca but...this??#still feels like a very bad joke to me#rambles#(and yes i actually have a life. and basically non of my irls know the show)#(no one has asked about my puffy eyes yet. don't know if thats good or bad)#(hilarious sidenote: the person with whom i do talk about the show is my sister now ex boyfriend)#(when they were still together the show was actually something very nice we could connect about)#anyway. it's gonna take some time and great au's
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talked on the phone with my dad today for half an hour and it was actually the best part of my day 🥺
#he’s alone at home rn because he has to work and it made me really sad to think about him being alone mis some his mom#so i asked him to call me when he got out of work#and it was just so nice to talk to him. like. i cant wait for him to be here#one thing about me is that i am a daddy’s girl in the sense that i love him and look up to him#and every time i’m given a chance to brag about him or anything i do#because he’s just. the best.#obviously not perfect but. i know he loves me and he has sacrificed so much for all of us#and i just. love him so very much#anyways. check in on the people you love especially on hard days#they do be rambling
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Going to eat a brown sugar cinnamon pop tart for the first time since my dad died. I’m craving it. It will make me cry. Going to hot box the bathroom while I take a bath and then cry and eat a pop tart in the bath. I’m bringing pocket joe for companionship
#I took a dab and then went oh shit a bath would be fantastic rn. and then I said. wait. I’m hungry. I want a pop tart. I also want to cry in#the bath. this feels like a win win then when my high wears off and I stop feeling my emotions I can smoke the joint and it will fix me#life hack.#also pop tarts make me sad bc my dad ate pop tarts like every fucking morning with his coffee and it was like his thing and he always joked#about pop tarts being programmer food#ughhhhh I want to cry I miss my dad I’m pmsing I just got fired I feel like a total failure my mom likes my brother more than me my dad#understood being the fuck up kid who’s traumatized and struggling like oh my god now that I’ve experienced losing someone that close I want#to go back in time to when he was alive and talk about losing his sister and how hard that was on him I mean he was my age when his older#sister died and it fucked him up and his death fucked me up around the same age I feel like I’m destined to become my father and I hated him#so much growing up but now that I feel like it’s gonna happen no matter what I can’t help but just wish he was here to talk to#my mom is far too good at being a normal person and so is my brother and my dad was the fuck up and he understood how I felt and now I have#no one who was the fuck uo and grew up anyways like ughhhhhhhh I hate everything I wish my dad was alive
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the only irl friend I have that I feel comfortable actually talking about the things I enjoy with just insulted me for gushing about smth to her over snap last night and now I want to cry
#this is going in the tags bc it’s stupid but it’s making me sad so#the only irl friend I have that I actually felt comfortable sharing my interests with just made fun of me#for gushing to her about smth over snap last night#and I’m at work rn so I can’t even cry bc in a few minutes I’m back out on the floor#but just like. I think I have rsd (especially around my interests and then my intelligence but that’s not pertinent here)#so I’ve never really been super open about what things interest me bc when I get made fun of for it or those things get insulted#It really hurts#the only people I’ve really felt comfortable opening up to are like. Sid obv and then this one friend of mine#bc the two of us found out we shared some interests and started like. telling each other about other things we like#I’d tell her about my silly little tv shows and podcasts and she’d tell me about the movies and books she was into#and I’ve explained to her before how I’ve never really been comfortable enough to talk about that shit and how I appreciated her being kind#and not insulting me like other people have in the past#but today I’m sitting on break and watching the replies she sent me and one of them is just a clip in response to my video from last night#where she just goes ‘girl I literally don’t care’ (and this was not in a joking way like that was her response#and it was in a tone that implied ‘so shut up about it’)#and like I get it! I am often not interested in the things that people tell me about! but I try to be earnest and engaged#and I can understand loving smth and wanting to share it with others! and how it sucks when people are then mean about it!#like when she tells me about a teen drama romance book or sends me instagram reels of cake decorating I try to respond with enthusiasm!#bc while the content may not interest me I like hearing about the things she enjoys and I’m glad she feels open to telling me about stuff!#but now I don’t want to share shit with her anymore bc this has given me a huge spike in anxiety and I feel like shit#idk. it’s stupid but it sucks#vent#ig
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#someone gave me shit for using she/they pronouns :)#the worst part? it was my friend’s husband who i barely know and have only talked to a few times before that#i’m just sick to my stomach rn this fucking sucks#they had the audacity to 1. ask for my pronouns only to say that ‘they’ is ‘grammatically incorrect for one person’#and 2. say that they weren’t being an asshole#i didn’t say anything cause i didn’t know what to say nor did i have the energy#i’m just so sad/disappointed/angry#esp cause my friend is also queer and they HEARD that#i don’t know what to think
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the thing about watching shows with adorable little wide-eyed child protagonists burdened beyond their years is that every single time without fail my maternal instincts kick in and I have no choice but to put them in my pocket. give their foreheads a little kiss & collect them like pokemans. I am now the proud mother to an army of semi-magical adolescents who live in the tv.
#o.tv#just seeing children makes me sad tbh#like rn I’m talking abt the shows I watch w my bro#but like. I cried SO hard during petite maman#or like.. the florida project?!?!?#OH MY GOD. SHOPLIFTERS THO#STOP 😭😭😭😭#see this is why I can’t have kids#id just be a wreck 24/7#I’ve already raised one child I’m not doing it again!!!!
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i need to stop giving people my instagram i think like it’s not conducive to appearing in people’s lives and then disappearing i think i should start a number/email/letterboxd only policy because i am in such a good place to meet people and then just disappear and that’s all i need from life rn and instagram is hindering me massively in that i’m literally going to start doing this
#the best interactions with people i ahve had since moving have been people who i have spoken to completely openly to and then we have never#spoken again#this is not true i get to see vicky and that’s lovely and i also have made another friend so that’s been good#but generally like idk i just dont want to be tethered to anything i dont really want#i am always going to be tethered to my family and for so long i was tethered to ballet#i just dont want it anymore i want all my moving to be my choice not my parents#the longest i have ever lived in one house is 4.5 years#how could i possibly be expected to stay in one place after all that#i just feel this incredible barrier between me and anyone except like 2 people#i cant connect to anyone and insteadof being upset about it i just feel crazy#i’m not sad or put out over it it is just how it is for me sometimes#and i do need to reply to the people i care about but at the same time it’s like what’s the point#what’s the poitn when i just feel so disconnected fundamentally from nearly everyone i have ever known#and the thing is i do want to flit in and out of peoples lives it’s not even like i want to change this#i had a beautiful conversation with this man the first week i was in uni and he was incredible to speak to and i hope i offered him some of#that too and neither of us made any move to exchange any contact details or even our names#and THATS what i want that’s what i want from my life rn#which is maybe bad for me but i think it’s all i have in me rn#which is not true really i’m not going to stop talking to my friends and im not going to not make friends probably#but it’s such a gorgeous idea and i AM good at it i am good at talking to people once and then never again#i can do that
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hey just a fun question. for Science. do you ever get over your first love and how long does it take?
#and why does it still hurt so terribly sometimes?#maybe it’s bc I still talk to all our mutual friends almost daily#and I still notice her absence all the time#bc she still comes up in conversation in all these fond ways#in ‘oh I wish I could tell her this I know she would find it funny’#I wish she could see how hard I’m trying to get proper help#it devastates me that she will never get to see a healthy version of me#it devastates me beyond belief#bc I think a healthy & medicated version of me would have been worth loving & keeping#I think a healthy version of me would have taken a few deep breaths#I am so sad I am so lonely#this blog used to be a place where my fricken soul would burst with interest and love for media and the friends I met through it#now it is a graveyard of lost relationships#I think I’m just doing bad rn bc I am physical exhausted from work and bc it’s almost one year since I talked to her#and bc apple memories keeps bringing up photos of us that I can’t delete#and because last night I had a dream that she said she’s so relieved to finally be over me#and I’m selfish enough to wish I could be the one who’s forever missed#rather than the one who is forever doing the missing#and bc I miss the warmth & comfort & ease of conversation that don’t exist in my life anymore#bc I went like 20 years without having so much as a crush until I met her#and now I genuinely think that that was my one shot at getting to feel anything like that#but then I try to remind myself that this is probably how everyone else felt before they got to fall in love again#I really want to go home
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hiiii
#Yes i am alive#is anyone else alive? I feel like no one will see this#I wanna finish my fic never have i ever but i won’t if tumblr isn’t on my mind so i’m forcing myself to be on here#But i fear it’s gonna flop anyway bc tumblr has been dead lately#Or maybe that’s just bc tumblr is dead to me and everyone’s actually having the time of their lives on here rn#I hope it’s the latter#Also tumblr isn’t actually dead to me i’ve just been busy and not been on here a lot that’s what i mean#But this is like the only fic that has ever meant anything to me (okay that’s not true sgwlshs but compared to other fics-other fics have m#Meant nothing to me and this is the loml)#I don’t wanna keep hyping it up bc i’ve only been writing and not rereading so it might be shit lmaooooo#But yeah i would be sad if it flopped ngl#Omg i miss talking in the tags#How is everyone? 🥰
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sometimes it feels like I’m annoying people when I try to share art or things I’ve made or talk about stuff on account of how frequently I get ignored when I do any of these things
#deity dialogue#I try not to be bitter about it but I do end up thinking I shouldn’t talk about or show things as much as I do rn#or just stop entirely#it’s just like no one’s fault people don’t owe me their undivided attention or interest but it’s just like hard for me to feel comfortable#talking about interests of my as is and I really just feel like I’m being silly assuming people care or want to hear from me#I have got to stop being so sensitive this is not worth getting so sad about lmao I’m gonna go eat my ramen
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honestly i think my favorite part about being childfree so far in my 20s is like not even just the i’m too broke and not emotionally prepared for kids thing but i have such special relationships with other peoples kids around me like i hang out w my kindergarten/toddler/baby aged cousins just to hang out like i do get paid to babysit here and there but most of the time i’m just like. let me take the kid or they ask to have a sleepover or smth and we just hang out when my sister babysits i go hang out over there just to play w the baby but it makes me very happy bc i remember being very young and all my parents cousins were younger childfree and always wanted to hang out always took me everywhere had sleepovers all the time and it was so fun and they were so cool to me so to be that person now makes me so happy idk
#like i value my relationships w the kids already in my life more than the possibility of having kids of my own#partially bc i’m so unprepared and unwilling to have kids rn but still#actually i think abt this one time very often when my youngest first cousin was abt 9 maybe#i was watching her one day and she had gotten an automatic nail painter for her birthday i think#and we couldn’t figure it out but my cousin who is my age dropped by the house to say goodbye to her bc that’s her brother and his leave was#ending that day or the next day#and he had a glass of whiskey in one hand and the nail painter in the other and spent like 2 hours trying to fix it#and practiced on himself until he got it to work#and then they had like a handstand push up contest ? and then he left#but smth abt that day specifically to me clicked to me i was like officially we’re the older ones now like#these are not our kids but we’re also like. contributing to how they grow up#bc she was so excited when he got there and she was so happy and freaking out and she got so sad when he left#and then i just think abt how i’m the ‘mean one’ apparently bc i still discipline them when they’re with me#not like physically i just talk to them explain things to them i don’t let them act a fool i make them clean up after themselves and shit#and they still always wanna come over always wanna sleep with me always want me to take them somewhere#and i’ve just grown so attached to them#like my cousins graduated hs yesterday and i was trying so hard not to cry bc i remember hauling the one to and from school every single day#and always having him over practically living w us taking him out w his friends before he could drive#buying him lunch and shit going and hanging out w him at home for no reason#he’s on my hulu profile bc my mom pays for it so i just told him use my channel and i see all the stupidest shit he watches 24/7 so annoying#but also it makes me so happy in a really weird way to see him talk all this shit but his most watched shows are like chowder. and naruto#and then idk what it is when we have family dinner every week and my baby cousin looks for me when he’s w the other people he doesn’t see as#often it just makes me so happy to know he has the same bond w me that i have w him even if he can’t speak yet#but then it also makes me kinda sad like his parents haven’t seen him take any steps on his own yet but he took 3 at daycare#and then the other day when he was here he took 2#so to know i saw that before them makes me sad but i’m also happy i’m like here to witness him grow up#like my cousin is 12 now and i just remember one night sleeping w him when he was like 8 months old maybe#his mom was out partying all night so i was watching him i was like 12 myself#and he wouldn’t sleep at all he was crying all night i spent all night trying to get him to go to sleep#and now i’m watching this mf go through puberty …. it’s like insane to me
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