#I’m still tryna write but I got shit goin on & it’s hard

[copias-thrall]

How would Mary goore react to hurting someone he genuinely cares about? I absolutely Love your writing!💕

Hello, nonny! Thank you, I love this ask!

This was going to be  alist, but it got away from me! 😅 

Enjoy 😘 

It wasn’t anything big.

Just a few of Mary’s favorite beers (the craft kind—not the shitty beer he drank on his shoestring budget), some of that chronic shit you’d scored and have been saving for a special occasion, and a VHS box set of horror movie classics.

***

Mary comes in and out of your life at will, and that was something you accepted—knowing he was As Is or not at all. And honestly—no, really—you liked that. You had your own shit going on, and being Mary’s expected caregiver was NOT something you wanted to add to that list.

(If someone else wanted to try to tame him and pick up after him, well…kudos to them. Less work for you.)

Mary showed up on your pivotal days and he rubbed your feet and always invited you out to trivia. You'd held him when he was coming down from a bad trip and listened to his grievances and gave him a place to stay when he was persona non grata at his own. And in a way, that made you always feel like #1 in Mary’s world…and that was good enough for you.

***

A few months ago, Mary had been lying on your couch, picking the label off his beer bottle.

“I’m gonna be away for a bit,” he’d said.

“Oh?” you’d responded as you’d mashed the controls on your gaming controller.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ll be around…but I got some shit going on.”

You’d paused your game.

“Bad shit?”

He’d waved you off.

“Neg. Just tryna get myself out there. Signed up for open mics and shit.”

He’d shifted, his long legs receding from around you and folding under him.

“So, like…I got my job at the bowling alley…but nights and weekends are kinda shot.”

You’d tried not to let the disappointment show on your face. You supported Mary’s dreams, and that meant not making an issue that he was finally trying to do something about them.

This wasn’t against you. It was for him.

When you’d taken too long to respond, his face had scrunched.

“But if you want—”

“It’s fine, Mare,” you’d said as you’d made yourself smile. “This is important to you, so it’s important to me.”

You’d unpaused your game.

“Just don’t expect me to not beat this game without you.”

He’d grabbed the controller out of your hands with a snarl, causing you to cry out when you died.

“Fuck the game.” His hand had fisted your shirt. “Give me a night to remember.”

You had. Twice.

***

Mary had texted you occasionally over the next few weeks—a few memes, a few drunken key-smashes, a dick pic, and 2 grainy videos of his performances for critique—but such contact was sporadic, and you’d never seen him in real-time. 

He’d blown in one night, five weeks in, with a box of pizza just as you'd been heading out to meet your crew. When you’d told him you’d made plans, he’d looked so crestfallen that you’d caved and canceled on them.

While he’d been there, he’d given you a date in 3 weeks.

“That Saturday I have nowhere to be,” he’d said as he’d chewed. “I can spend the whole day with you.”

You’d been careful not to seem too eager.

“Oh yeah? Should I plan shit?”

He’d crammed the whole crust into his mouth and had given you a doughy grin.

“Why ’’ya think I told you?”

You didn’t know what you’d expected, but when he’d had to bounce 90min later, you were still surprised. (That was hardly enough time to digest!)

“Sorry,” he’d winced. “I gotta be on a bus in 45min.”

He’d left, and you’d been too embarrassed to join your friends who were only just going to the second bar.

Having fun with your man ;) ? one of your friends had texted.

What do you think? You’d texted back before changing into your pjs and turning on Netflix.

***

So maybe you were low-key excited about your day with Mary.

Perhaps you’d spent those 3 weeks figuring out the perfect date—something that said, “I missed you,” without saying “But in a clingy way.”

Beer and horror were two things the both of you were totally into, and you knew he’d be exhausted, so it seemed perfect. You’d bought the boxed set off of eBay and splurged for expedited shipping; you’d borrowed your brother’s old dual TV/VCR from his college days; and you’d forgone your weekly Chinese takeout for the craft beer funds. (And if things got steamy, well…even better.) 

***

A few days before The Date, you’d run into Mary on the bus. You were coming home from a shift, and he was going to his.

He’d brightened and waved you over—as if you weren’t already on your way—and you’d plopped down beside him with a tired grin. You’d told him of the latest entitled asshole, and he’d showed you another clip of him on guitar.

Before your stop had come up, you’d tentatively placed your hand over his.

“We still on for Saturday?”

He’d blinked at you a few moments before grinning.

“Yeah.”

“Should I plan a whole day for us, then?”

His arm had crept around your shoulders before pulling you into him to kiss your temple.

“Yeah, why not.”

***

That morning, you wake up happy. 

Mary will be over soon.

You roll over and grab your phone.

When should I expect you? :-* 

It takes him an hour to respond. You aren’t surprised—Mary isn’t known for being a morning person—so when your phone dings, you grab it up excitedly.

An excitement that dies when you read his text. And reread. And re-reread.

not 2day 

goin upste 2 show 

You blink.

What show? Didn’t we confirm? 

yeah. got me thinkin 

why no show? 

so i chked 

i missed one 

gotta do it 

Rage blooms hot, then cold behind your eyes and down your cheeks.

But you said we had the whole day. I made plans. 

save em 

ths is impt 2 me 

We’ve had this planned for weeks. 

i thot u suprted me 

on a bus cnt tlk 

You send a few more irate texts, but he doesn’t respond, and you toss your phone across the room with a shout of frustration. You scrub the hot tears from your eyes before they can fall.

And…on paper, Mary isn’t wrong. Nothing you had planned won’t keep: movies, beer, takeout.

But…

It gives you a stark look at what you mean to Mary. He gave you this date and confirmed it. He knew you were making plans.

How long was he going to wait to tell you he wasn’t even in the city anymore?

You fight the urge to kick the VHS tapes across the floor, but you open the fridge and grab a beer. If Queen Elizabeth could have beer for breakfast, then it was good enough for you.

Once you’ve downed all eight, you move on to the jug of vodka you keep for cleaning.

When you empty only liquid from your stomach into the toilet, you grab your frozen fries out of the freezer. You roll a handful of the cold ones in your mouth as you wait for the others to crisp in the oven, and once you’ve consumed the cooked ones, you go right back to the vodka.

***

Opening your eyes the next morning is a mistake, so you take a few deep breaths and go back to sleep.

When you wake again, your heart is fluttering, your stomach turns, and it feels like there’s an ice pick behind one eye. Shuffling slowly, you make your way out to your kitchen where you take some painkillers, drink some pickle juice, and eat two slices of plain bread.

The sense that you did something awful stays with you, but you’re in no condition to find your phone and see what you’ve done. Instead, you go back to bed. It takes more deep breathing to settle yourself, but once you do fall asleep, you’re out for hours.

You don’t feel amazing when you swim to consciousness again, but you feel at least like a human being. 

Your phone is dead when you find it under the sink, and waiting the 5 or so minutes for it to charge feels like waiting to face the executioner.

It’s both better and worse than you expected.

You breathe a sigh of relief to see that there are no vague social media posts, and you didn’t drunk dial any of your friends, but…

The texts to and from Mary are ugly.

Apparently, you’d managed not to send him angry texts until he’d sent you another clip of his performing. But then the floodgates had opened.

You’d started with telling him you didn’t give a shit about the show, how he was an inconsiderate ass, and then you'd devolved into incomprehensible, typo-ridden texts that accused him of using you, that you were only something to do when he didn’t have anything better to do, that he was an entitled man-child and if he didn’t apologize, you were done.

Mary’s texts in response range from him being angry at your disregard, to heated retorts you were blowing this out of proportion (and he didn’t appreciate your “ad hominem” attacks), to a cool detachment that this wasn’t working over text and he’d finish this in person.

You put your head in your hands but are too dehydrated to cry.

***

Mary doesn’t text you again during his self-imposed time frame.

You don’t text him either, but that’s more out of self-preservation than pride. There’s no point exacerbating the situation…and you’re pretty sure there’s no coming back from this, so why speed up the inevitable?

The horror tapes taunt you every time you walk by them, and you wonder if you can return them (you can’t). You give the TV back to your brother, and when he asks you how it went, you plaster a smile on your face and say, “Great!” with forced enthusiasm you hope comes across as genuine.

The primo weed goes over to your friend’s house, and the two of you wax poetic all night about existential claptrap as you devour two cheese pizzas and a bag of bbq chips. You talk about Mary without talking about Mary, and you get a heartfelt, “Sorry, dude.”

You beat the video game anyway, but it’s mostly because you needed something to occupy your mind and less out of spite (though that’s there as well).

***

Despite waiting on tenterhooks to hear anything from Mary, you truly don’t really expect to. You know you’d been atrocious, even if it had been prompted by his careless disregard, and you know Mary isn’t really the kind of guy that troubles himself with relationships that are hard.

Not that you’re in a relationship.

So when there’s a knock on your door a week later and Mary’s behind it, you’re genuinely surprised.

You gape through the peephole in shock.

“Fuck. If you’re there, just let me in, ok?”

Fumbling with the chain, you unlock the door and crack it open.

“Mary?”

“You gonna let me in?” he rasps.

You shrug and step away from the door, and he shuffles inside. He looks around like you’ve changed anything (you haven’t), before turning around to face you.

You close the door and stare back.

He folds his arms. “Breaking up with someone over text is tacky.”

What you think is, So you’ve come to do it in person, but what you say is, “Can’t break up if you’re not together.”

He winces and runs his fingers through his hair. 

“Yeah…apparently I’ve ‘taken advantage' of you.”

This…isn’t what you’re expecting.

“I…what?”

“Can we sit down?”

You nod, and Mary sits rigidly on the edge of your couch. You curl up in the chair on the opposite side.

He rubs his palms down his greasy jeans before he speaks.

“I mean…you pissed me off, ok?”

You nod.

“But, like—you weren’t wrong, ok? I kinda knew that deep down, but I’m a dumbass, you know?”

You don’t nod.

“And I kinda bitched about the whole thing…but the resounding response was that I was the asshole.”

He angles his body toward you.

“I guess I’ve kinda been treating you like my best friend that I fuck sometimes.”

Your entire face flushes—you’d always thought you’d maybe ranked a little higher than that—and you duck your head so he can’t see the tears that you blink back.

There’s a swish of fabric, and you startle hard when Mary’s hand is at your chin. He jerks back with a Sorry.

“Shit—that’s not what I…” he blows out a breath and puts his hands behind his head before looking back up at you.

“But you aren’t, and…fuck this is harder than I thought.”

So this is it.

Waiting for him to do the deed is clearly going to be excruciating, so you take charge of this whole shit-show.

“I understand,” you say flatly.

“You do?”

“It’s ok, Mare-Mary. It’s my own fault for reading too much into it. I just…I saw what I wanted to see, I guess. I know you don’t need…” you look down into your lap, “…my shit in your life.

He makes a noise low in his throat, and then he’s squatting in front of you, his hot hands planting on your knees.

“But I want your shit in my life.”

You squint your eyes at him.

“But what I said…”

He grasps your hands in his.

“Pissed me off, yeah…cuz I wasn’t fucking thinking, ok? You’re like one of the only people who gives a crap about what’s important to me. And all I could see was you suddenly…not.”

Anger wells up in you again, and you yank away your hands.

“Weeks, Mary…weeks of you all over the tri-state area, and you thought I didn’t care because of one night?! A night you promised to me?”

He sits back on his heels. “I know…fuck. Ok? At the time, it just felt…like the show couldn’t be rescheduled. Our night could.”

Because you’re what he does when he’s bored.

You curl in on yourself.

“Shit.” He leans forward again. “Fuck, I’m sorry, ok? I’m fucking on my knees here.”

You blink at him. 

What? 

“Please, please don’t break—say we’re done.”

“What?”

“Look, we can go into my shitty fucking psychological profile on why I fuck around later…but right now I need you to know that I knew it was you before I fucking knew it was you.”

You uncurl.

“That…’what’ was me?”

He knees forward and presses your hands to his face.

“The one I wanna spend my free time with. The one whose opinion means the most. The one who was the first person I wanted to share all my good shit with. You’re the one I missed, and—after that awful fucking night—everything felt pointless because I knew I couldn’t come over and jam about it.”

“Mare—what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m a fucking dumbass. I’m saying I thought I was pissed at you, but I was pissed at myself for fucking it up.” He sighs. “I’m saying no fucking one was on my side and they all told me to get my shit together.”

He looks up at you with wide eyes, and for the first time, you can see how they’re outlined in red, his subtle crow’s feet more pronounced.

“So, you’re not done with me? I’m not…too much trouble?”

He shakes his head in disbelief. “What? Shit, no. I’m asking you to not be done with me. I’ll give you all the nights you want. Fucking text me, and my ass’ll be here posthaste.” He shifts up, and his thumb ghosts over your lips. “Anything to get you to give me that secret smile again.”

“Secret smile?” you ask while trying to perform the action.

Mary actually blushes.

“Uh…yeah. You get this…” he makes a motion across his face, “…when you’re giving it back to me.” His fingers shove back through his hair as he casts his eyes down. “You don’t give it to anyone else.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I’ve made a study of it.”

You’re a swirl of emotions. Mary’s apologized—has admitted he was wrong and has asked for…more—but you’re still hurt. And embarrassed.

But he’s looking up at you with wet, hopeful eyes.

“Do you…” you start carefully, “…do you know why I got so mad?”

That statement was clearly not what he was expecting, and he blinks at you a few times before nodding and looking down at the floor.

“I made a…uh, commitment…to you. And I treated it like it didn’t mean anything.”

He gives you a look like, Did I get it right? and that’s close enough—even if he’s missing some of the nuance.

You nod. “And I know I…wasn’t…the best.”

His face contorts, and your heart sinks.

“You…” he shakes his head. “You said some awful things…some hurtful shit—and it really got in my head.”

Mary gives you a complicated look.

“Shit that you’d been pissed about for a while.” He traces your knee. “Shit you could’ve said to me…but shit I should have noticed. Fuck.” He presses his forehead into your knees, and you can’t stop yourself from sinking your fingers into his hair.

He takes it as encouragement and presses into you before looking up again.

“I just kinda wanna put that whole night behind us. It feels like a fucking ouroboros of fault. And like maybe I created it. But let’s agree to like…not do that again.”

You look down at him, and his eyes search your face.

“Ok…but what does all this mean, Mare? I can’t…I need to be something to you, ok? More than just your friend.”

Mary nods emphatically, and he takes your hand and curls his into it.

“No more fuck-ups, and no one else…can we start there?”

He’s saying all the right words, but you’re still trepidatious—you know Mary, and he doesn’t like constraints.

“I…just…how can I believe you?”

He shakes his head like he can’t believe you even have to ask. He rises and awkwardly reaches out to touch your face before drawing his hand back.

“Cuz you’re important to me. I care about you, and I don’t want to lose you. Ever.”

And yeah. Ok.

[fuckingthefictional]

Runaway Lovers

Pairing: Finn Shelby x reader

Warnings: Swearing, suggestions regarding to sex, crap writing?

Requested: yes, part two requested by @hamdehlesmis

A/N: for the part where Finn writes a letter, I’ve made it so the writing is more phonics based. Because I find it unrealistic to have a character who is illiterate to suddenly start reading and writing with the knowledge of perfect grammar and spelling.

Alfie Solomons was a name that struck cold fear into some on the toughest of men.

His cool and calculating gaze was enough to send uneasy chills up anyone’s spine.

He was a man who had red on his ledger and the mighty hand of God on his side.

To most he was a cold and calculating gang leader- with the proclivity of making violent, rash decisions that mainly benefited himself and anyone lucky enough to be considered a friend.

And most were not lucky enough to have that benefit.

Y/N Y/L/N was lucky to be considered a friend- more accurately she was a close relative of the Jewish gang leader.

Alfie’s Mother, was the sister of Y/N’s mother. The two women were close, but drifted apart after they were married to their respective husbands. Only to reunite during the Great War.

That was the first time Y/N had been in proper contact with her mothers side of the family- and thank God she continued to stay in contact with them.

Otherwise her and Finn would’ve been rendered homeless and well and truly fucked.

Y/N forced herself to drag her thoughts away from what would have been, and instead focused on the passing green pasteurs that sped past the train cars window.

The lack of pollution was obvious and made a huge difference. She was able to see the colours of the night sky, along with the scattered stars- such things that felt as if they didn’t exist in Small Heath.

Y/N felt a soft kiss on a stray patch of bare skin below her ear and at the top of her jawline. Finn.

“Stop stressing love, we’ll be okay.”

It was like he had read her mind, “‘m not stressing.” She mumbled into her palm.

“If you aren’t stressing then how come your leg is bouncing?” Finn chuckled as he pressed another kiss to her temple.

Y/N rolled her eyes. Of course he would pick up on the finer details, it was just another reason why she loved him.

It wasn’t long before the train pulled into Camden Town Station. The whole station seemed to be rather empty- apart from one man who seemed to be waiting for the trains arrival.

He was an older gentleman, who had a scraggly beard and clutched a cane. His face was partially covered from the hat that topped his head. But on his chest, he proudly bore a necklace that held the Star of David.

It was Alfie.

He had changed a lot, the pictures that Y/N had been shown of him depicted him to be younger, lacking a beard. But the face was the same.

“Y/N Y/L/N?” The older man addressed her, a slight smirk on his face, “My god ‘ow you’ve grown- I remember when you were a bloody babe.”

She turned to Finn, a soft smile gracing her features, “Love this is Alfie, my cousin.”

Both men shook hands, each of them sizing the other up.

“Thank you for letting us stay with you.” Finn nodded at the older man, “we really appreciate it.”

“‘S nothin’ alright?” Alfie boomed loudly, “any person whose a friend of our Y/N/N is a friend of mine- now let’s get your stuff back to my ‘Ouse ‘ey?”

The two teenagers followed the older man, out of the station, their hands interlocked- ready for this next chapter of their lives.

It was difficult not knowing what their future held. And what they would face in this grey part of their lives, but Finn and Y/N knew they were lucky.

Lucky to have a place to stay, lucky to be in London. And most of all: lucky to be with each other.

-

Two months later Y/N and Finn were still as strong as ever, and the pair of them had both gotten jobs in Camden Town.

Finn working down at the docks, where he loaded Alfie’s spirits into the boats that would travel across the Atlantic.

Finn had been clear with his girlfriend’s cousin that he wanted no part in the extremely illegal parts of the business. In other words he didn’t want to be a front runner, Finn was quite happy working behind the scenes or on the sidelines. Doing the smaller less risky jobs that helped boost business.

Thankfully Alfie has agreed with him, saying, “If I got you in trouble yeah, or you got fuckin’ hurt- then my cousin would have my balls hanging up above the fuckin’ fireplace.”

Y/N however had a different job role. As she helped run the books, Y/N had her mothers brains, math was her forte and not to mention her and Alfie were close, and her older cousin kept her well protected and safe.

Their jobs weren't particularly high paid and they’d told Alfie that they didn’t want special treatment when it came to their pay- either way they made enough to pay their part on rent at Alfie’s house (which usually meant paying for the food and occasionally the hot water bill).

But neither Finn or Y/N were disappointed, they were employed and bringing in an income. That was more than they’d done in small Heath.

“Y’know, I finally feel like I’m apart of something,” Finn mumbled as he kissed down Y/N’s bare back, “I finally feel wanted by others, that aren’t You, Ada or Pol.”

“Finn,” The girl sighed as she turned over to face him, “You have no idea how much purpose you bring to other people.” Y/N stroked his hair softly, feeling the bouncy curls slip between her finger tips, “Finn because of you, Alfie is finally reconnecting with his blood relatives- he said that if this hadn’t happened, then he was willing to give up on family. And by coming away from the life you had in Small Heath you’re making Ada feel better about her role as a big sister.”

Finn was in a semi state of shock, he had no idea he had made that much of an impact, “And you?” He asked.

“God Finn,” Y/N pressed her forehead to his, “ever since you pulled me back from that drunk driver, I knew that my life was going to be flipped upside down- that I was going to fall in love.” She licked her lips, “I can’t imagine my life without you- you’re my constant, my everything, the love of my life.”

The auburn haired boy pulled his girl close to his chest, peppering sweet kisses to her hairline, “I love you pretty girl.”

“And I you, Freckles.”

“D’you think we should come clean to Alfie- about my family I mean.” Finn chewed on his lips nervously.

Y/N sighed, “I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow, but for now my love we should get some sleep.”

-

Knock, knock, knock

It was one of those rare days that Alfie was working from home, Y/N had overheard his doctor telling Alfie that he needed to take it easy and rest more.

So of course Y/N forced him to stay at home. It was odd really, the pair had only reconnected a few months ago. But already it felt as if Alfie was coming into the older brother role in Y/N’s life, whereas she was the persuasive younger sister that Alfie never had growing up.

Their dynamic was one that many had never seen, there was constant teasing and banter between the two. And Y/N had been the only one to make demands from the big scary gang leader and live to tell the tale.

“Come in.” Alfie’s muffled voice came from behind the other side of the door.

As Y/N entered the office while balancing a tea tray on her arm, when she looked up she noticed her cousin sat at his desk with his specs on, Cyril layed down at his feet.

“Morning, Alf.” Y/N smiled warmly, “I’ve brought you some tea and biscuits.” She sat down opposite him, as he started across the desk accusingly.

“What do yer want aye?” Alfie squinted his eyes, “you only ever bring me stuff when yer tryna butter me up.”

“Well Is it working?” Y/N looked at her cousin as he poured himself a cup and necked down a biscuit.

“Depends that dunnit.” Alfie responded, raising his brow.

“Well I have some news,” Y/N started fidgeting with her hands, “Some news you might not take too well.”

“Fuckin’ hell- you’re not up the bloody duff are yer?”

The teenager promptly felt herself choke on her own spit, “What?” She shouted, her eyes as round as saucers, “No!” Y/N attempted to recompose herself, “Look What I was trying to get at is that Finn belongs to a family that weren’t good to him, he ran away from his old life after his brother tried to force us apart. And we talked last night about finally coming clean to you Alf, because we appreciate all you’ve done for us and we don’t feel like we’re being truthful and-“

“Y/N!” Alfie cut off her ranted speech, “I know that Finn is a Shelby.” He stated simply, “Do you really think I don’t do background checks on my workers Y/N/N?”

“And you’re okay with him?” Y/N was still in a state of shock,

“Well,” Alfie leant forwards, “ma always taught us to not judge a book by the pissin’ cover aye? Sometimes that shit also includes certain family names.” He paused, pondering what to say next, “Look I kept an eye out for the lad in the first few weeks yous stayed ‘ere, in case there was some spyin’ goin’ on. But there wasn’t, it was just a lovestruck boy who’s willin’ to do anythin’ to make ‘is girl happy. So as far as I’m concerned Y/N/N, he’s a new branch in the Solomons family.”

Y/N could feel happy tears brimming in her eyes, she finally saw what Finn meant. She felt like she mattered, like she had purpose for the first time in a very long time.

-

Two months. It had been two months since Finn had just up and left. Tommy didn't think that his youngest sibling what actually hold to his word- he didn't think that Finn of all people would actually quit the family buisness and leave small heath. 

And with all of that considered, Tommy didn't know where the fuck Finn had gone. And that was a first in Tommy’s experience- he didn't know something. 

It was incredibly frustrating and not to mention Polly was in bits since Finn had just gone missing in action. It wasn't hard to see that there was a soft spot in his aunts heart for the youngest Shelby.

He’d had men search every major city in Britain, knowing Finn couldn’t have strayed too far off the beaten path.

The youngest Shelby never was one for spontaneity, he was too much like his mother for that- he liked to have a plan set out in front of him.

But what made the situation all the more complicated was the war Tommy had made on Sabini, if Finn was in London then there was a large chance that he was in danger.

Tommy didn’t want more blood on his hands, he didn’t know if he could handle more blood on his hands.

-

Dear Pol,

This leter wil onlie be short, but its a leter non the less. All you need to no is that I am safe and happie, and hav started a new life for myself. If you want to meet, then go to Ada’s on Saterday and i will meet you there.

Lots of luv and take care,

Finn

P.S- Y/N is teeching me to reed and rite, it is a work in progres- but I am lerning!

Polly grinned at the letter in front of her, it was most definitely her nephew. Despite it being in letter form, his mannerisms and language hasn’t changed.

The older woman could feel her heart swell with pride for her youngest nephew, deep down Polly knew that the Blinder lifestyle wasn’t for him.

Finn was like Ada in that way- he followed his heart. And his heart has chosen a different path than his brothers.

Polly set the letter down on her desk as she pondered what her next course of action would be, obviously she was going to Ada’s to meet her nephew on the Saturday.

However she was met with the dilemma of how she could get it past Tommy.

One one hand, Tommy was the patriarch of the family- Polly knew that she was practically obligated to tell her older nephew her plans and whereabouts.

But on the other hand, Finn was safe. He was free from a dangerous life, he was happy and he had started a new path.

And that was more than anything Tommy could offer the lad. Polly knew that Finn valued his freedom and happiness over all the money in the world.

Pulling out a cigarette, Polly fiddled with the small stick of tobacco. After igniting it, she took a deep inhale, allowing the smoke to fill her lungs.

Every piece of her heart and soul was telling her to keep Finn safe. Maybe that was just the mother hen in Polly- but she was certain on one thing.

Thomas Shelby was going to learn to live with his actions and consequences of his words, because Polly had no intention of saying a word about Finn’s whereabouts.

Peaky blinders taglist:

@simonsbluee

[returnto-dust]

All These Feelings

Summary: Oh no. Oh fuck. Are those… feelings? Shit. She has a crush on none other than Bucky Barnes. A crush. Gross. This was not supposed to happen. Reader finds herself falling for Bucky Barnes despite her number one rule: Don’t fall in love! But with Bucky’s constant flirting and always being so nice and so handsome, what can a girl do? There’s just one small problem: she hasn’t gotten over the pain of a past relationship, and she doesn’t want to get hurt again.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x unnamed female character

Word Count: 3926 (including song lyrics in italics)

Warnings: NSFW (18+), oral (female receiving), angst, pining, mention of a bad past relationship, brief scene of verbal abuse but nothing too graphic.

A/N: My entry for Laur’s (@fvckingavengers​) Quarantine Writing Challenge. I am not a writer. I enjoy writing, but I do not think I am very good at it lol. Also I suck at smut. This is my first time ever posting my own writing on this site, so please be nice! Enjoy!

Inspired by Feelings by Hayley Kiyoko 

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I walk through this world, just tryna be nice 

They say I’ll get hurt, if I’m not like ice

I know I’ve got friends, I still get so lonely

If I look in your eyes, I’ll want you to hold me

“Whaddya doin’ down there?” Bucky’s heavy boot knocks into her foot as he peers down at the girl on the floor, crumpled out like a wet towel. His hands are on his hips, and his hair is pulled back into a low bun. She makes no move to look toward him, only noticing the largest details out of the corners of her eyes.

“I’m contemplating my existence, I thought that was obvious,” she gives one slow blink toward the ceiling to punctuate her statement, chest rising and falling rhythmically.

“Why ya doin’ that?” she doesn’t have to see him to know there’s a smirk on his stupid pink lips. 

She heaves a dramatic sigh, “Oh, my sweet, innocent Binky.” She follows this up with some incoherent mumbling.

Bucky shakes his head, chuckling silently to himself. He clears his throat and circles around her limbs on the living room floor to sit next to her, back pressed against the couch. She finally glances his way, catching his eyes.

“Ya know, when people examine their place in the world, they usually do it alone.”

“Do ya want me to go?”

“Nnngh,” a groan followed by a small shake of the head.

Bucky chuckles again, looking down at the girl. “I’ll take that as a no.” A couple seconds of silence pass before he speaks up again, more serious. “Doll, what’s wrong?”

She hesitates a moment before fishing around on the floor for her phone, tapping on the screen some, and then shoving it towards him. He takes it from her hands to find it on the calendar app. Ah, yes. The fifteenth. The dreaded fifteenth. Bucky knows this date has some sort of significance to her, but he doesn’t know what it is. Hasn’t asked. He sets the phone down on her rising and falling stomach.

“Look at me, darlin’,” he taps the inside of her wrist and she turns her head, her eyes finding his. There’s a sadness there, an ache, deep rooted, twisting all around inside her. Bucky wishes he can take it away. “Hey, look, I don’t know what’s goin’ on up there today,” he waggles a finger toward her head and she smiles despite herself. “But whatever it is, I know you’re stronger. I know you can overcome it. But anyway, I hope the pain eases soon,” he smiles sweetly, his eyes shining.

There’s suddenly a lump in her throat, and she has to force herself to look away. “Ugh, stop looking at me like that! Go away, you’re being too nice!” she waves a hand at him, shooing him away.

Bucky’s laughing as he stands from the floor. “Hey, when you’re done being a slug on the rug, come find me an’ Steve, we’ll treat ya to somethin’ good for dinner, yeah? Take ya mind off all that crap.” She only groans in response.

~~

I over-communicate and feel too much

I just complicate it when I say too much

I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch

Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all tough

“Still here?” Nat’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts, and she looks up from the floor to find her best friend staring down at her, disappointment clear on her face. She frowns and lets her head drop back to the floor. “Alright, that’s enough,” Nat tosses her training gear on the couch and stalks over to her friend, gripping each slender wrist in her hands and yanking until she’s sitting up on her ass. The assassin only rolls her eyes at the accompanying groans of disapproval. She sits down in front of her friend.

“You could’ve just asked,” she pouts, picking at the strings on her frayed jeans.

Natasha shakes her head. “No more nice guy, yeah? This is getting ridiculous,  babe. Two years now, and he’s still got you like this. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but... it’s time to get over it.” She refuses to meet Nat’s eyes, swallowing around the lump in her throat and blinking away the stinging in her eyes. “You’re here now with a family that loves you. Maybe even one that loves you more than others,” she raises her brows suggestively, nudging her friend’s arm.

She laughs and shakes her head, “Stop! It’s not like that. Bucky and I are just friends.”

Nat gives her a look, Really?  “But you could be more than that, you know, if you just let it happen.”

“I can’t, Nat. You know I can’t,” she hugs her arms to herself and draws her knees in. Nat knows full well, the two girls have talked about the story countless times, but it’s been two years. Two long years.

“You’re thinking too much about it, babe. Aren’t you tired? You could be happy again. I want you to be happy again,” all too familiar, this conversation. So many times, Nat’s tried to talk some sense into her best friend. Maybe this time it’ll work.

She sighs, letting Nat’s words sink in. Yeah, she is tired. But what happens if she lets someone in again and things go wrong? Or what if that someone decides she wasn’t worth all the trouble? What if she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship again?

Hands are on her shoulders, shaking her out of her thoughts, “Stop! I can see you thinking. You have to stop letting those thoughts in your head, they’re doing you no good,” she searches her friend’s eyes for a moment before bringing her into her arms. “I know it’s hard, but I know you can get through this.”

~~

Caught up inside, both happy and lonely

Keep telling me lies, they’re killing me slowly

I get too attached, they don’t even know me

Why can’t I relax? Why can’t I relax?

Two Years Ago, September 15th

‘I’ll be late, don’t wait up.’ ‘I’m just out with a friend, you have nothing to worry about.’ ‘You’re acting crazy!’

“Please, Nick, why did you do this?” There’s tears streaming down her blotchy face, blurring her vision as she watches her long-term boyfriend, turned fiance frantically shove clothes and other belongings into bags, stomping around their shared bedroom.

“Take a guess, sweetheart,” he spits, rolling his eyes as she flinches away from him.

“I tried… I wanted to be good for you, I did! Nick, please!” she’s practically on her hands and knees for him on the bed, sobbing his name over and over again. The same place their pretty neighbor was doing the same thing only an hour before.

“Oh, please! You were never gonna be good enough! Don’t you get that? All this time spent with you, wasted! And now look at you; you’re pathetic!” He laughs as she breaks down completely in front of him, crumpling forward on the bed spread. He zips the bags and moves closer, gripping the hair on the back of her head to lift her face up, spitting out, “You’ll never be good enough for anyone, you disgusting, little bitch.” Shoving her head back to punctuate his statement, he leaves her alone in the big, empty house.

Two Years Ago, September 18th

There’s knocking on the front door but she can’t be bothered to acknowledge it. Can’t even turn her head toward the door from her position lying across the couch. It stops finally, and she lets her eyes fall closed, until she feels hands on her shoulders, shaking her awake. For one dreadful second, it’s Nick, back to harass and call her names, but it’s just Natasha. 

“Hey, sweetie. You haven’t been answering my calls,” her voice is low and soft, one hand rubbing soothing circles into the fragile girl’s arm. She doesn’t say anything. “I don’t know what happened, but you don’t look too good. How about I make you something to eat and drink, and then we get you washed up and into some new clothes and you can tell me what happened, okay?” Hesitation, then a small nod. Nat gives her a kind smile. “Okay. I’ll take care of you. Everything will be alright.”

~~

I’m sorry that I care, care

I’m sorry that I care, care

It’s really not that fair, fair

I can’t help but care

She’s thinking back to that day as she towel dries her hair, fresh from the shower and in her newly clean bedroom. When Natasha wants to get someone up and out of a funk, she knows exactly what to do. There’s butterflies swarming in her stomach. Thoughts racing with things unsaid, a certain someone flashing before her eyes. Natasha was right. Things need to change, before it’s too late.

A knock sounds at the door as she’s dressing in a pair of cotton pajamas. Her heart skips, because she knows that knock. Sure enough, when she opens the door just enough to peek around, it’s Bucky, all warm smiles and soft locks. It’s infectious, and she can’t help but smile back. 

“Hey, there she is,” he says, tucking a loose strand behind his ear.

She opens the door a bit wider. “Hey, Buck. Sorry about dinner, Nat made me clean my room.” she gestures behind her and steps out of the way so he can see. Not wanting to make him stand in the hall the whole time, she invites him in and closes the door behind them.

“No worries, I put some leftovers in your fridge.” There it is. Always looking out for her. 

She wrings her hands together and sits on the edge of the bed, her heart suddenly leaping into her throat. “Hey, Buck?” He raises his eyebrows. Now that she really looks at him, she can tell he’s tense. Hands in his pockets, shoulders up around his neck. Something isn’t right. But she promised herself she wouldn’t chicken out. “We… we need to talk.”

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I think we do,” He nods his head. “Because I’ve been wracking my brain all day trying to figure this thing out. I thought I was being obvious, but then I was thinking maybe you just don’t notice. And I was talking to Stevie, and he said something that got me thinking, hey, maybe she just doesn’t like me.” He shrugs his shoulders and finishes with his hands on his hips, staring down at his boots. 

“Oh, Bucky, I’m so sorry! God, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen!” she jumps up from the bed. “Bucky, look at me, please.” Their eyes meet and she has to steel herself for what she’s about to say. Because she’s about to break her number one rule. For two years, she’s kept her heart guarded, stayed away from anyone who tried to break through her walls. But Bucky has been that one constant who never gave up no matter how many times she shut him out or turned him down. She’s going against every instinct ingrained in her body, but sometimes you have to fight that, and just listen to your heart. “I think… I think I might be in love with you.”

There. It’s out there. In the air, in the open. He heard it. She knows, because he’s looking at her like she just grew two heads. Now, she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Bucky breathes out a disbelieving laugh, pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. “Ya know, sometimes, I just don’t get you.” Despite his words, there’s a smile on his lips.

“I know. Trust me, I know. I haven’t been fair to you, Bucky, and I’m sorry for that,” she takes a step closer, but he holds out a hand.

“Why? I spent all this time chasing after you, and time after time you tell me no, but suddenly you’re in love with me? I just don’t get it,” he isn’t trying to be mean, but there are tears welling up in her eyes and she’s backing away from him, hugging herself. “Hey…”

“I’ve been so afraid! Bucky, I’m sorry, okay? I’ve been hurt, real bad, by someone I thought who loved me. He said things, nasty things, and I swore to myself I would never fall in love again. But then you came along!” she gestures to him and laughs through her tears. “Always making me laugh and calling me pretty, and remembering the things I like, and bringing me leftovers when I don’t come to dinner,” she wipes the tears quickly away and tries to swallow the lump in her throat.

Everything clicks in his brain. It all makes sense now. Bucky curses himself for not noticing it sooner, the pain she was in. “Shit, doll, I’m sorry, I shoulda realized.”

“No, no, don’t be sorry. You did everything right. I should’ve told you. I just kept thinking ‘why me?’, ya know? Why would he ever want me? Stupid, broken, little me,” she avoids his eyes, toeing the damp towel on the floor by the end of the bed.

“Hey, don’t say that,” he comes closer and brings her into his arms, wrapping an arm around her waist and a hand in her hair. She buries her face in the crook of his neck. “There’s always been something about you,” he chuckles, thankful she can’t see the burning of his cheeks. “I think you might be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” He laughs at her muffled ‘yeah right’ into his neck. “I’m serious! You’re gorgeous, and funny, and kind, and you always know the right thing to say. How anyone could ever hurt you is beyond me.”

She pulls away just enough to look into his eyes. “You really mean all of that?”

He nods. “Of course. I haven’t spent all this time chasing after you just for the hell of it.”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad?” he brushes a stray tear from her cheek and leaves his palm there, smiling when she leans into it.

“For wasting your time?”

“Any time spent with you is no time wasted.”

Her heart leaps. “Shit, Bucky,” she presses her forehead into his and they both laugh. “James Buchanan Barnes? I’m in love with you.”

His eyes fall closed as he takes in those words. “I have been waiting so long for you to say that.” He smiles, so soft and delicate. His eyes are searching hers, warm palm pressed to her jaw, calloused thumb brushing her cheek. It’s like time has slowed now. Like they’re the only two people in the world, in this little room.

He’s looking right at her, studying her expression for any reason to pull away, to stop what he’s about to do. There’s no rush, no urgency, just the desire to be close, to feel the touch of another. He leans closer, and her tongue darts out to moisten her lips. His eyes follow the action, and he hesitates. He nudges her nose with the tip of his, running it along the bridge. His stubble scratches her upper lip, and she twists his shirt in her grasp. All she wants to do is pull him as close as she can, to savor the feeling of their bodies pressed together. 

It’s amazing how suddenly- in the span of just a couple of moments- someone can realize that the person standing right in front of them is everything they’ve ever wanted, everything they’ll ever need. Bucky pulls back just an inch to look into her eyes again, and what he sees there must convince him, finally, for he presses his lips to hers. Delicate at first, then more firm. He sucks in a breath through his nose, his hand pulling her close, the other wrapping in the hair at the base of her neck, tilting her head back further. 

She sighs out a quiet moan, savoring the taste of his lips, the feeling of his strong arms wrapped around her. Her heart clenches in her chest, and she knows this kiss will seal her fate. She loves him. God, how she loves him.

I’m hooked on all these feelings

I know exactly how I’m feelin’

This love asylum, like an island, just me and you

She pulls back to catch her breath, looking into his eyes and they share intense contact for a few seconds. “Wow…”

Bucky chuckles, right thumb tracing the skin of her exposed hip. “Wow is right.”

She bites her lip to try to fight the smile, but it’s useless. “I love you,” she whispers.

“I love you, too.” Bucky thinks he will never get used to the way those words sound coming from her mouth, especially directed towards him.

She looks at him for a moment, eyes tracing every line of his face, before bringing a hand up to rest on his chin. Something shifts in her expression, and it causes the air in the room to change. She presses herself closer to him, if that were even possible. “Bucky… make love to me.”

His heart stops. When he woke up this morning, those were the very last words he imagined coming from her mouth. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life. I love you, Bucky, and I want you,” her voice lowers and it sends a shiver down his spine.

He nods, “Okay.”

It’s like a switch is flipped, and everything is sent into overdrive. Their lips connect again, this time more forcefully, tongues dancing in tandem. Bucky has her shirt halfway up her torso, so she breaks away to pull it over her head, tossing it to the floor. He takes a moment to admire her, softly caressing her skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in his wake. She’s not wearing a bra, and she’s even more beautiful than he ever imagined.

His lips are on her jaw, her neck, her collarbone, anywhere he can reach, fingers rolling and tweaking her nipples until she’s moaning and shivering in his arms. She’s making the best damn sounds he’s ever heard, every single one of them shooting straight down between his thighs. Her hands are in his hair, over his shoulder, on his arms. They can’t get enough of each other.

She’s reaching down now, nails scratching his stomach through his shirt until she’s at his belt, unbuckling it and pulling it through the loops. It drops to the floor with a dull thud, and he pulls his shirt over his head to follow quickly after. Lips pressed together again, teeth gnashing in their fervor. He picks her up from the floor with a quick squeal and deposits her on the bed, crawling in over her. Things slow for a moment, and he looks into her eyes, one hand cradling her head. “You’re breathtaking,” he kisses her slow and deep, trailing fire down her neck to her exposed chest and stomach. He’s kissing and sucking and biting everywhere he can reach. His hands trail after his kisses, surpassing them to linger at the waistband of her cotton shorts. He looks up at her through his lashes to gauge her reaction. Sensing no hesitation, he slowly pushes them down, and she lifts her hips to make it easier for him. They join the other clothes on the floor.

“You sure you still want this?”

“Yes, god, yes!”

Bucky chuckles and places a wet kiss just above her mound, trailing them down then around where she wanted him most to kiss down her thigh and up the other one.

She sighs wantonly. “You’re good at this.”

“And you’re good at making me want you.” He tucks his fingers into the waistband and starts pulling them down agonizingly slow. She moans at his words. Every sound she makes goes straight to his cock.

She’s already wet for him as he spreads her lips with two fingers, groaning at the sight. He leans in close and blows gently on her clit, making her jerk and giggle. He revels in the sound. His tongue flicks out to glide along her lower lips, avoiding her most sensitive parts, teasing her to drive her wild. He runs his index finger just outside her clenching hole, collecting her juices. She was on the verge of begging before he finally placed a broad lick from her opening to her clit.

She moans loudly and arches her back. He groans at the sound and taste of her, gripping her thighs to keep her still as he closes his mouth around her clit, sucking gently. He starts flicking his tongue, switching from quick flicks to long licks, until she’s dripping for him. She’s growing increasingly louder, and he’s grinding his hips into the mattress to find friction.

He pulls away and licks his lips. He pushes in one finger, then another, scissoring them in and out, curling them up at the end of each stroke to find that special spot. He uses his tongue on her clit again, slowly licking and flicking it to build tension until she’s clenching around his fingers, hips rising off the bed. “Oh, shit, Bucky! Fuck, don’t stop! I’m gonna cum,” true to her word, seconds later, she comes around his fingers, hands gripping his hair, hips bucking up into his face until she goes still, chest rising and falling rapidly.

He licks her up before kissing his way back up her stomach, sucking and nibbling her nipples before taking her mouth again. She can taste herself on him, and she moans, wrapping her thighs around his waist. Bucky reaches down with one hand and pushes his briefs down just enough to free his throbbing cock. “Fuck, darlin’, I need ya bad.” As he pushes in, stretching her walls around him, she knows she’s in for a long night.

Spent the night, you got me high

Oh, what did you do?

I’m hooked on all these feelings

~~

Extended Ending - The Next Morning

She finds Nat, Steve, and Sam in her kitchen as she stumbles out of her room the next morning, barely even able to walk after the night she had. She wishes she’d put more clothes on, instead of just Bucky’s shirt from last night and clean panties. Bucky. Oh, yeah. She can’t keep the smile from her face no matter how hard she tries.

The three of them are having a conversation as she fixes a bowl of cereal, thoughts filled with memories of the night before, stomach swimming with desire for more. “What’s got you all smiley this morning?” Sam asks, breaking her from her thoughts.

Her spoon clinks loudly against the bowl as she wipes the smile from her face and looks up to find the three of them smirking at her. Her face is on fire. She can feel it. She wants the world to swallow her. “Uh… nothing?”

As if the universe wants to mock her, Bucky chooses this moment to stumble into the kitchen, bed hair a complete, endearing mess, blearily rubbing his eyes. He seems not to notice the three guests as he walks straight toward her, kisses her on the mouth, and says simply, “Good mornin’.”

A beat of silence passes. “Well, shit. It’s about damn time!” Sam shouts,  startling Bucky so much he drops the box of cereal onto the floor.

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I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to like, comment, or reblog if you did. (Please do not repost!)

[fleeting-sanity]

OC Talk #9

My OCs as 2020 songs.

There’s a LOT of releases this year but this is all I’ve listened to so far? Post is long as always.

PS: LOL I struggled to find suitable songs for some OCs that 2020 ended ahhaha I’m slow as always-

Aryuni

Rina Sawayama - Comme Des Garçons (Like the Boys)

Yeah, oh, girl, it's okay You should never be ashamed to have it all Yeah, yeah it's gonna be okay Yeah, you've come a long way

Don’t fuck with me hoe Take you down like Judo Elevate your vision when you put me on the cover

Hot like a fever Make you a believer Write my name up in the sky  From Paris to Shibuya

Lady Gaga - 911

Holding on so tight to this status It's not real but I'll try to grab it Keep myself in beautiful places Paradise is in my hands

My biggest enemy is me Pop a 911 

Taylor Swift - mad woman

What did you think I'd say to that? Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? They strike to kill and you know I will You know I will

Every time you call me crazy I get more crazy What about that? And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry And there's nothing like a mad woman What a shame she went mad No one likes a mad woman You made her like that

Ariana Grande - shut up

My presence sweet and my aura bright Diamonds good for my appetite Guess it fuckin' just clicked one night All them demons helped me see shit differently So don't be sad for me

I vibrate high and my circle lit We ain't really with drugs and shit Love the game so I never miss Keep opinions muted for the hell of it 'Cause I like my shit

Harry Styles - Adore You (From Arcann)

Your wonder under summer skies  Brown skin and lemon over ice Would you believe it?

You don't have to say you love me You don't have to say nothing You don't have to say you're mine

Oh, honey I'd walk through fire for you Just let me adore you

Taylor Swift - mirrorball (To Avery, Avelyn, Saxan)

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight I'll get you out on the floor Shimmering beautiful And when I break it's in a million pieces

Hush When no one is around, my dear You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you

Chloe x Halle - Tipsy (To Arcann)

I've been crucified, darling Ghost haunt me like New Orleans I've been charged with murder 'Cause some wanna push me further I'll hit you where it hurts, yeah If you don't put me first, yeah And I don't give no apologies If you lose a life that's not on me, yeah

I might be a little tipsy on your love Makes me a little crazy but so what You're strumming on my heart strings, don't be dumb If you love your little life then don't fuck up

Avery

Dua Lipa - Future Nostalgia

I know you're dying trying to figure me out My name's on the tip of your tongue, keep running your mouth  You want the recipe but can’t handle my sound

No matter what you do, I'm gonna get it without ya I know you ain't used to a female alpha

Katy Perry - What Makes A Woman

Is it the way I talk sweet? The way my skin is soft? Or how I can be a bitch? Make you keep your fingers crossed? 

Is it the way I cut my hair And put no makeup on? I feel most beautiful Doing what the fuck I want 

Rina Sawayama - Dynasty

I'm a dynasty The pain in my vein is hereditary Dynasty Running in my bloodstream, my bloodstream Dynasty And if that's all that I'm gonna be Won't you break the chain with me

I'm gonna take the throne this time All the words all mine, all mine It's been way too long, too far Too gone, to carry on You can't hide it in the walls Sweep it under marble floors It's been living in our lives Best told damn family lie

Chloe x Halle - Overwhelmed

Holding my breath till my face turns blue Head underwater Breathe deeply they said I need a weekend again Looking for bright sides Low on the high types Running so fast, I done worn my shoes Head on the pavement I'm just trying to win Pushed in the river, I swim Nothing can blind side  Me like the high tide I don't do well under pressure I don't know at all I wish I had all the answers Fix it all myself (Oh) I feel overwhelmed

Avelyn

Selena Gomez - Dance Again

Happiness Ain't something you sit back and you wait for Vulnerable Ain't easy, believe me, but I do it

Feels so, feels so, feels so good to dance again With my emotions, I just start going in With everything To dance again 

Katy Perry - Resilient

'Cause I am resilient A full flower moment Won't let the concrete hold me back Oh no I am resilient Born to be brilliant You'll see me grow right through the cracks Yeah, 'cause you're gonna watch this flower grow right through the cracks

Childish Gambino - 19.10

I remember back when I was six years old Daddy said "the world's so cold" "There is something that you should know", "You're so gorgeous", (thank you daddy) "Nothing's really worth your time" "But someday soon you just might find" "The truth about the world's design", oh

“To be beautiful is to be hunted I can't change the truth, I can't get you used to this”

Ariana Grande - my hair (To Ezekiel)

It’s got body and it’s smooth to touch The same way as my skin Don’t you be scared 

To run your hands through my hair Baby, ‘cause that’s why it’s there Come run your hands through my hair Ooh baby, so don’t you be scared So come run your hands through my hair 

It’s been way long overdue Just like these inches down my back Usually don’t let people touch it But tonight you get a pass

Enzaran

Miley Cyrus - Midnight Sky

I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone, oh no I don't need to be loved by you See my lips on her mouth, everybody's talking now, baby Ooh, you know it's true See his hands 'round my waist, thought you'd never be replaced, baby Ooh, you know it's true, yeah

You should know right now that I never stay put in one place Forever and ever, no more

Dorian Electra - Gentleman

I'm a gentleman Take my gentle hand Off to a gentle land I'm a gentleman

I pick you up I put you down I say the perfect thing then I make you spin around Yeah I'm lighting you up Throw you around This is a conquest a war is going down 

Thundercat - King of The Hill

A king in his castle A king of the hill Wasting his time Chasing cheap thrills He knows it's gonna cost him God knows how much

Jurbiend

Billie Eilish - Therefore I Am

Stop, what the hell are you talking about? Ha Get my pretty name outta your mouth We are not the same with or without Don't talk 'bout me like how you might know how I feel Top of the world, but your world isn't real Your world's an ideal

I don't want press to put your name next to mine We're on different lines, so I Wanna be nice enough, they don't call my bluff 'Cause I hate to find Articles, articles, articles

Childish Gambino - 32.22

I'm a funky motherfucker, man Don't fucking call me I been the man, don't fire me Things ain't all bad

We are the, we are the warlords We are, are you ready? Firelight, got it, warlords Pick it up, no, pick it up Firelight gonna clean it up Firelight's goin' way up Red light's on fire

Riornivo

Harry Styles - Treat People With Kindness

Maybe we can find a place to feel good And we can treat people with kindness Find a place to feel good

Givin' second chances I don't need all the answers Feelin' good in my skin I just keep on dancin'

Childish Gambino - Time (ft. Ariana Grande)

Seven billion people Tryna free themselves Said a billion prayers Tryna save myself I can see it coming But it's moving fast

Maybe all the stars in the night are really dreams Maybe this whole world ain't exactly what it seems Maybe the sky will fall down on tomorrow But one thing's for certain, baby We're running out of time

Running after something But I don't know what Am I running to? Too afraid to stop Hundred miles an hour With no seatbelt on Time is everlasting I can't wait that long    

Selena Gomez - Let Me Get Me

Like a prayer surrounding us, moving effortlessly  Every word is relief  No self-sabotage, no letting my thoughts run Me and this spiral are done Burn this camouflage I’ve been wearing for months Tryna let a little happy in for once

Don’t get me down, I won’t let me get me I’m good right now, I won’t let me get me Take that tired heart and go and turn it inside (out)      

Diving in ferociously, dancing intimately I’m so connected to me In the dark I’m letting go, so anonymously I guess this is what it feels like to be free

Troye Sivan - Take Yourself Home (To Rionnic)

Talk to me There's nothing that can't be fixed with some honesty And how it got this dark is just beyond to me If anyone can hear me switch the lights

Who you really tryna be when they see your face? Is it worth it trying to win in a losing game? Well it's all waiting for you And, boy, I know you're eager But it just might destroy you Destroy you 

Arca - Calor (From Arcann)

Rio, me tienes Rio, me tienes

Eres el premio que más deseaba Eres el sueño que no me atrevía a tener Eres el premio que más deseaba Eres el dueño de todo mi ser

Lady Gaga - Stupid Love (From Vaylin)

You're the one that I've been waiting for Gotta quit this cryin' Nobody's gonna heal me if I don't open the door Kinda hard to believe, gotta have faith in me

Now it's time to free me from the chain I gotta find that peace Is it too late or could this love protect me from the pain? I would battle for you, even if I break in two

Look at me now 'Cause all I ever wanted was love I don’t need a reason Not sorry I want your stupid love

Taylor Swift - marjorie (To Vianiel)

“Never be so kind, you forget to be clever” “Never be so clever, you forget to be kind”

“Never be so polite, you forget your power” “Never wield such power, you forget to be polite”

And if I didn't know better I'd think you were talking to me now If I didn't know better I'd think you were still around What died didn't stay dead You're alive, you're alive in my head 

Rionnic

Lady Gaga - Sine from Above (ft. Elton John)

When I was young, I prayed for lightning My mother said it would come and find me I found myself without a prayer I lost my love and no one cared When I was young, I prayed for lightning

When I was young, I felt immortal And not a day went by without a struggle I lived my days just for the nights I lost myself under the lights When I was young, I felt immortal

Thundercat - It Is What It Is

When the gold becomes dough And the magic starts to fade When it all comes to an end When there's nothing left to say It is what it is I tried to make it work My best just wasn't enough It couldn't be helped, the end The things I would do for you

After all is said and done And I'm all alone When I sit back and reflect From a broken heart Sometimes there's regret It is what it is

Taylor Swift - peace (From Jaesa)

Our coming of age has come and gone Suddenly this summer it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darlin' 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace

And you know that I'd Swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough?

Rina Sawayama - Chosen Family (From Vette, Katei)

We don't need to be related to relate We don't need to share genes or a surname You are, you are My chosen, chosen family So what if we don't look the same? We been going through the same thing Yeah, you are, you are My chosen, chosen family

Saxan

Dorian Electra - Edgelord (ft. Rebecca Black)

We live in a society That's always lashing out at guys like me They pushed me to the edge, you see Never, never, never gonna come down One question, why so serious? Did I offend you? I'm so curious Ha, my identity's mysterious Never, never, never gonna come down 

Taylor Swift - this is me trying

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that

They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that

The Weeknd - Save Your Tears (To Linnea)

You could've asked me why I broke your heart You could've told me that you fell apart But you walked past me like I wasn't there And just pretended like you didn't care

I don't know why I run away I make you cry when I run away

I made you think that I would always stay I said some things that I should never say Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine And now you won't love me for a second time

Taylor Swift - gold rush (From Linnea)

I don't like a gold rush, gold rush I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch Everybody wants you  But I don’t like a gold rush

What must it be like To grow up that beautiful? With your hair falling into place like dominos My mind turns your life into folklore I can't dare to dream about you anymore At dinner parties I won't call you out on your contrarian shit    

Vianiel

 Katy Perry - Daisies

They told me I was out there Tried to knock me down Took those sticks and stones Showed 'em I could build a house They tell me that I'm crazy But I'll never let 'em change me 'Til they cover me in daisies Daisies, daisies 

Billie Eilish - everything i wanted

I tried to scream But my head was underwater They called me weak Like I'm not just somebody's daughter

Coulda been a nightmare But it felt like they were right there And it feels like yesterday was a year ago But I don't wanna let anybody know 'Cause everybody wants something from me now And I don't wanna let 'em down

Selena Gomez - She

'Cause she was a girl with good intentions Yeah, she made some bad decisions And she learned a couple lessons Wish I could tell her

She didn't know all of the hurt she could take Her world was crumbling and so was her faith Wish I could talk to her, 'cause what I would say "Oh baby, you're enough to get you out of this place"

Taylor Swift - tolerate it (To Jurbiend)

I greet you with a battle hero's welcome I take your indiscretions all in good fun I sit and listen, I polish plates until they gleam and glisten You're so much older and wiser and I

I wait by the door like I'm just a kid Use my best colors for your portrait Lay the table with the fancy shit And watch you tolerate it If it's all in my head tell me now Tell me I've got it wrong somehow I know my love should be celebrated But you tolerate it

Vyria

Rina Sawayama - Paradisin’

Paradisin' Living my best life, drivin' Drivin' you crazy Paradisin' Living my best life thrivin' You say I'm misbehaving But I'm just a kid, so save it Let me have an unforgettable time of my life

Lady Gaga - Free Woman

I'm not nothing without a steady hand I'm not nothing unless I know I can I'm still something if I don't got a man I'm a free woman 

[eerythingisshaka]

Death of a Bachelor

(Erik Killmonger POV)

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: sSmutSs, fuckboyness

A/N:  Possible new series?  So hear me out, this was inspired by the movie Alfie, the Michael Caine version is the only one I seen.  But Erik is going to experience four, maybe five women, each very different from the next.  He’s having fun with them but at some point he’s going to have to tighten up on some of his ways, whether it’s with a lucky lady from the five, or by his damn self.  I also just wanted to do a smut since I haven’t in a minute and no one is gettin any in my series’ (also I may have some residual hormones that I can’t work out right now because nature doesn’t want me to have any pleasure this week, so I’m getting it out here). The one time my mama asks me what I’m writing about and it’s THIS, smh. First POV of a character, so hopefully his spirit comes across here.

I swear God had a sense of humor making a nigga like me.  The average man woulda been shot his on brains out with the bullshit I have had to deal with in my life.  I’m not goin into all my childhood shit right now, that psychology and repressed emotions bull never rocked with me for real.  Nah, I’m talkin bout my life right here, right now.  People just won’t leave me the hell alone!

So boom, it’s like this.  I like to take care of myself.  I do my cardio every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday.   That can be runnin, boxin, some P90X or whatever the fuck to keep me on my toes.  I do weight training Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, doublin up when I feel like it with my cardio days; lightwork, you feel me?  All that to say ya boy is stacked.  You couldn’t put no more muscle on this 6’0 frame if you tried, took a damn long time but I finally got my shit filled out right.

And I’m proud of my shit, gotta double back by the mirror every so often just to catch myself lookin.  I ain’t narcissistic or nothin, but fuck you if you think I should be humble, I earned this.  

I say all that to say it’s funny how people think they entitled to your time just because you give em some dick every other visit.  Females will tell you different, but they just as thirsty as niggas these days.  I go out the gym, fresh from a shower in my wife beater and sweats, right?  I got my shades on cuz I’m not tryna socialize, just get my protein powder and jet.  

What they do?  Stare at me walkin past the produce section, holdin they bananas in a daze, fuckin me with they eyes!  On one hand, I’m cool with it, like I said I work for this body to be admired.  Bitches love feelin on my stomach and chest while I dig them out, clawing my back when my shit too deep for em.  But then I say good morning, and they ass wanna look at me funky and go about they business!  Like I bothered them with some eye fuckin!  Bitch if you don’t go on somewhere witcho thirsty ass!  Maybe my approach is off, but fuck that, I know what you were thinkin bout, and that don’t require much introduction to get to.

That’s a good sign for me though, cuz I know they gon run off to they little friends talking bout, “Girl, this fine ass nigga said Hi to me at the grocery store today.  Bitch, I hope I see him again, I might have to fuck him right on the tomatoes!”  I know them!  They act proud, but they don’t wanna come off hoeish.

Lemme see you be a hoe!  I cannot stress that enough!  There’s an artform to it though, don’t go comin up on me, rubbin my ass and whisperin in my ear (depends on the location and time of day though for that).  Shit, come up to me and say hi for once!  Being the aggressor gets tired after a while.  See, when a baby girl come up to me, smilin all confident and shit like she holdin the meanin to life between her legs, askin me who I am and what she wants, NIGGA!  You ain’t said nothin but a word, ma!

That’s how I got involved with this one girl, Venice, like that town in Italy.  She a real cute redbone, bout 5’5 wears these red bottom heels everyday (at least she has em one whenever I see her...never takes em off).  She work as a paralegal, so she gotta wear blazers, skirts, or pantsuits, which I don’t always find sexiest but the way she gets em tailored to her body, whew man, it’s almost porno levels of ridiculous but that’s just cuz how thicc she is.  Bitch can’t help it!

I go to this deli shop on lunch sometimes and she was in line with her phone glued to her eyeballs, so I knew she wasn’t wantin to be fucked around with.  I respect a woman’s boundaries, you ain’t gotta tell me twice to go the fuck on somewhere.  But tell me why when I’m pickin up pastrami on rye, ready to smash that thing I hear her behind me talkin bout, “I took you as more of a footlong type of guy.”  If that ain’t no damn innuendo I don’t know what the fuck is.  I’m lookin at her like she gotta be jokin, but damn her with that fuckin smile.  She smelt good too, like coconut and fresh laundry, she was clean clean.  She tried to hide her lil joke talmbout “I meant you so look like you workout, your meal just don’t match the appetite I envisioned.”  So I ask her if she been envisioning in more ways than one and that got her cackling real quick, touchin on me like we old classmates reuniting.  Long story short, we exchanged numbers and I get a text at the end of the day askin me to pull up to her job and next thing I know, we fuckin on her desk.  She loud as fuck too.  The building seemed like it was cleared out but damn, the police coulda been called for all she was doin.  The pussy was fire though, almost had me losin my shit.  She keeps it clean, except for some hair across the top of her pussy like a toupee.  She likes to ride it though, that probably has to do with her profession, wantin power over people.  Soon as she start cummin though, she a damsel in distress needin her Superman to finish things off.

So I been fuckin with her for a little over a month now.  It’s real causal, we meet more after dark than in the daytime.  It’s fun, I ain’t had to jackoff too much cuz she seems to work with my shit like  circadian rhythm or whatever.  Soon as I felt my shit gettin hard, my phone light up.  

Tonight wasn’t no different.  I was working out late that night, finishing a couple of miles on the treadmill when a notification interrupts my music.  I look at my phone and it’s a picture of her hand spreading her pussy lips out.  Damn, purple and pink were my favorite colors.  I had to hit the emergency stop so I didn’t bust my face on the machine.  I let her know I would be there in a hour, she says to make it 30 minutes.

This is when I have a problem with her, she think she run me!  If I tell her I can’t come today, she says she can help with that.  I tell her I’m tired, she say I don’t have to do shit but lay there.  I was outta town once, and she still not satisfied until I get her on FaceTime so she can see me jackoff while she play with herself.  If it didn’t turn me on so damn much, I’d drop her for good.  

So, after I shower and start heading to my car, she text me with this address I don’t know.  When I Googled, it led me to some condo on the other side of town.  I asked her what this was about and the bitch left me on read.  Fuck outta here with that shit.  I ain’t Scooby Doo, and I don’t feel like solvin mysteries.  Fuck I look like?!

But my dumbass follows the scent of hot n ready pussy soon as it pops up, so I go and whatever.  Place look like the fuckin Powerpuff Girls live here, doin the absolute most for one woman to be livin in by herself.

When I go knockin on her front door, it just opens on its own like a haunted house.  I peek in, bout to call her lame ass for tellin me an address I don’t know about, tryna get a Black man killed, I hear her voice.

“Come on in, baby.”

I stepped my ass in there real slow, checkin my peripherals until I saw her sittin on the couch in some see through robe lookin at her fireplace.  I coulda busted concrete with the hard on I got lookin at her.  Those titties, nigga, sittin up under her chin practically, just overflowin she so big.  

“What’re you standin there like you seen a ghost.  Come sit like you got some kind of sense.”

“What you got the front door open like that for?”  I asked her, sittin next to her.

“I knew you were coming by.  I don’t feel like getting up if I don’t have to.”  She takes a bottle of Hennessy from the table in front of us and pours two glasses, handing me one of em.

I take a sip, nursing my drink.  “You tryna be a pillow princess tonight or sumthin?  Wantin me to do all the work?”  I asked her.   I couldnt help but reach out to feel that ass through her robe but she smacked my hand.

“Not like that, Erik!  I want you to finish that drink, and maybe another.  I want to be entertained a little more than usual tonight.”  She knocked back her drink quicker than a jackrabbit on a date.  She set her drink down, scooching over closer to me.  I couldn’t keep my eyes off them damn titties!  She started rubbin the inner part of my leg and I took the Henny down, you feel me!  

She poured me another drink and started talkin all general about my day and shit.  I wasn’t giving her nothin but one word answers cuz I was startin to get a lil lit off of the drink and she kept playin in my hair, kissin my neck and shit.  I was tired of tellin her to chill out with alldat cuz I damn sure was ready to teach her ass some fuckin manners.

So I grab her thigh and pull her big ass over my lap, giving them cheeks a Jaws of Life-ass squeeze.  I heard her gasp from my strength, she love that shit.

“Erik, hang on-”  She try and say but I ain’t wantin to hear her mouth.  I slip my hand in her panties and started washing my hands, her shit was like a faucet with that drip.  I knew she was ready, think she playin with somebody.

“Fuck a ‘hang on’.  Hang on these nuts, what you finna do.”  I was bout to be in my element!  Pussy poolin and I was finna dive, my nigga!  Next thing I know my hair gettin pulled and yanked backward, hurt like a muthafucka.

“Damn Venice!  What the fu-”

She took my hand and licked them off all slow.  I felt her tongue dancing on my fingertips before she pinned my hand back.

“I really, really, love it when you’re rude, Erik.  I do!  But when I tell you to hold on, you say ‘yes ma’am’, remember?”

She pullin that dominance shit again.  I ain’t on no punk shit, let the record show.  But if this moves things along, then, “Yes ma’am.”

Then the damn doorbell rings!  “Finally!”  Venice gets up for the door, walkin all fast.

“Who the fuck are you expectin?”  I’m gettin loud with her cuz I didn’t sign up for none of this shit.  I was supposed to soak my wood and dip, she be extra but this on some other shit.

She turns around and puts her a finger to her mouth at me before opening the door.  Some blonde girl comes through the door sayin Hi and huggin Venice like this a tea party.  So, I’m sittin on the couch waiting for them to finish and her to leave, but Venice walks Jennifer Lawrence lookin clown into the living room.

“Erik, this is-”

“I don’t need to know her name, I need to know when she leavin.”  I’m heated!  My dick gettin soft by the minute, but Venice and her friend is unphased.

Venice starts playin in her hair and they start gigglin.  “She’s here to keep us company.  She’s fun, I think you both would do well with each other.”

Nigga, when she said this, I wondered if she spiked my damn drink or some bullshit.  “I don’t associate with white folks Venice, stop wastin my time so we can do what I came over for.”

“That’s why Abbigayle is here!  She wanted to meet you and-”

“You tellin bitches about me?  Talkin behind my back?!  I ain’t a damn gossip topic, fuck is your problem!  I don’t fuck white bitches either, so you can just step ABBA!”  I was ready to pack my happy ass up and go.  Too many females on this planet to be strung up on one dummy.

“ERIK!  I’m not going to be interrupted again!  You’re making me lose my patience, that isn’t going to go over well for you.  Be nice!”

I said already I ain’t no punk, right?  And I meant that shit.  But I ain’t never one to fuck up a good time, fuckin is fuckin, so let’s just see what happens.  “Yes ma’am.”

Venice liked that, she instantly walked all slow and sexy over to me tellin me good job and shit, kissin on me.  For a second I forgot about Abracadabra but then I feel an extra pair of hands at my lap and I see her unbuttoning my pants.  Venice tooks my face back to look at her; she is really fuckin beautiful, I can’t even lie on that.  Her lips felt like when you ain’t had Starburst in a while, and the first one in the line is a Pink or a Red, nigga her lips juicy as fuck and I didn’t want her to stop puttin em on me.  

So we makin out on the couch and Abacus got my dick out and starts lickin and kissin my shit like it’s a damn bomb pop.  That’s cute and all if I rock with you, but if I don’t know you like that?  You just playin, show me what the hell that mouf do so I can hae somethin to talk to the homies bout later.

Venice gets off the couch and sits across the room in a chair, leaving her leg over the arm so her legs are spread out.  I finally was gettin hard again, poor Abilify probably thought I was gettin there from her hen peckin round my shaft.  Nah, I couldn’t hold back seeing Venice sittin there like she ain’t give an entire fuck that some random bitch was suckin my dick!  Like, she ain’t been shy about what she likes in the bedroom but fuck, this was some new shit she pullin out on me.  

When Venice took off her bra to let them titties hang on her stomach, I was about to lose my damn patience.  I look down and Albuquerque and decide she needs some instruction on what to do when you got dick in your mouth.

“Open ya mouth up.”  I told her, pulling her hair back to hold it behind her head.  Soon as she does I pump my dick all into the back of her throat.  She start hittin that gag reflex just right and then I let her breathe while she coughs and wipes her mascara down.  I look over at Venice who has a slick smile on her face, nodding at me to continue.  When Abomasnow started bobbin on my dick again, she was two handin my shit right?  Venice brought a real lazy ass to this party.  So I popped her face tellin her to take it deep.  White girl was a trooper, I give her that.  She barely got it halfway in before she started to gag, so I held her down just to make sure she wasn’t playing.

Lookin over at Venice, now she all relaxed, panties to the side with two fingers diggin herself out.  She was bitin her lip tryin not to cum, she bet not either.  With her full attenion I let her friend breathe again before I made her face my playground, fuckin the shit outta her throat.  I tried my best to imagine it being Venice’s pussy like she probably wish her fingers were me.  I couldn’t take no damn more.

I pulled out of Arby’s and strolled my ass on over to Venice, ready or not.  Venice wasn’t fightin though as I picked her up under them thick ass legs while she held onto my shoulders.  I guided her onto my Johnson and slid right in that bitch like it was nothin.  She was so damn wet for me, and her face said it all that she was finally gettin what we came there to do.  Venice pussy reminded me of when you just sat down after bein up on your feet all day and you feel like your heart is beatin in your soles when you get them propped up but it’s so damn better than gettin back up again.  Venice knew how to tease me, and that shit was torture, but fuck if that release ain’t sweeter for it.  Kissin on her lips while she breathin on me kept me goin, so I put her down turned her around by the fireplace.  I picked her leg up and back and got right back in that pussy.  This was my favorite position, cuz she felt tighter from behind, and she screamed louder too.  Singing my name out like a gospel, cussin me out so much it almost hurt my feelins.  Almost.  

I almost forgot about her friend, til I felt a ticklin on my balls and there was Abscess tryna feel a part of this too, lickin my nuts and Venice’s pussy when I was slammin too hard in them cheeks.  It was whatever though, cuz not a damn thing was bringing me out of her til I was through.  

While I’m holdin Venice’s titties bouncin round, I felt myself gettin close, but that wasn’t happenin here, not like that.  So I pull out of Venice, almost kickin Albany in the face and take her chair spot.

“Lemme fuck them titties real quick.”  Venice gets between my legs and wraps them tig ol bitties round me, holdin them in place.  Ma had my dick CREAMY, I didn’t even notice til then, she was cummin harder than a muthafucka.  Venice friend helped keep her hair back, encouraging her with some “Go girl, get that cock baby!”  type of Bring It On like nonsense.  This ain’t no damn pep rally, fuck is you doin?  Me and Venice were in our own damn world anyway, watchin her tongue hang out to catch my tip when it poke from her cleavage made me mad.  She knew what the fuck to do, and I can’t stand it!  Nigga, that nut was so long and hard, it could break steel, but it painted her face like a damn masterpiece, stickin on her eyelashes and shit.  What the fuck she get for makin me work so damn hard.

With all that, her friend was pretty chill by the outcome.  “Damn, Venice, you weren’t lying at all.  Shits real!”  givin Venice a high five while I pulled my pants up and she wiped her face.  

“Right?  Told you!  Ok guys, I have to get some rest so just see yourselves out.  We should do this again!”  

I just knew she wasn’t talkin to me, but she really was walkin up her steps to her room like we were her employees clockin out.  

I asked her, “Aye, Venice!  This how you treat guests in your house!”  

“You ain’t gotta go home, Erik, but you have got to get the hell outta here before my husband gets home.”  Venice said with a flick of her wrist.  Bossy ass bitch!  

Me and Abbreviate walk outside and I just had to ask her somethin for what just happened.  “Do y’all do this a lot?”

She just shrugs.  “Sometimes, but I don’t say yes to every invitation.  You just sounded too promising.”

I nodded, confused as hell, but flattered.  “Right.  And how y’all know each other?”

“I’m a colleague.  Worked on a case together and got a little closer than necessary.  Been a good friend since.  Take care of yourself, Erik.”  She gets in her car and that was that on that.  

When I head to my whip, I get a text notification.  I just knew it was Venice asking me to come back or at least a thank you.  But no this time it was my other situation, Genesis.

Masterlist

[triumphorce]

under umbras of bundles  of stars,

canopies of leaves & branches that shatter-scatter sky image held indirect

as a gleam in eyes

as conscious lay in fabricated gardens watching memories, & desires in dream form

from across highway covered by

blue-white, 

yellow,

& orange lights

sound of tires, mufflers, sirens, 

amidst a higher sense 

attuned to

muffled far cries muffled while crossing empty lands

filled with chilling wind howls, stealing hope, 

which

kickstarts the power on survival mode..

ups& downs 

drown the cries further,

that

war, warn, or cheer..

or just sing..

maybe

a hymn made by souls for souls under same umbra to set free to lead to wonder & beauty beyond the surface of senses directly to free to seek love loss between me and me

buried beneath  road of longest journey to reach

turn feet all around

all about a world I have no idea about

just mad ideas about Kept in journals i turn over

to all but from in front of views not yet exploited by value of which is, views are power,  & are the will in word- to-page transaction

self diminished to substantiate

entries from entrails, not shown to be conquered

win or lose is how I never saw things.

win or win, only optionss, only progress..

yet..,always over complicating;

marathon sprints from start to finish

as I choose, If i choose, to continue to choose to overlook slopes in existence, where hides I, in ruins, digging for recognition

contribute to a mind overloading with what I know I owe society, &me,

burden of see-through beast, I see illusions of future thru,mistaken as truth, play victim, get stressed or believe I'm down on luck ,in dumps of depression and slum of beliefs,

 in a slump with headphones on temple and music up, reminisce about the golden olden, me and broseph, SSB, PSO, kanto, johto, cartoon cartoons, many one saturday morning’s, plenty cinnamon toast, fruity pebbles, so many card games at Books-a-million

but when I open eyes from trance

I'm forever face to face with today is today

not then not later...

just

 changes who changed how I changed regret and anger to compensate for blaming everybody but me

now I stare afraid at dilemmas mass effect decisions

 daily in-and-out-terventions

to keep from falling back into resentment.. spite blinding shelves of subconscious-self- disappointed perpetuating judgment of others binding progression, tying tongue, boiling blood because old habits die hard and I continue fucking up, up raging rapids w/o a paddle,   almost 3 decades of failing infinite (according to projections) feel I missed and am missing out on so much, so much world, so many words coiled inside, waiting to explode,

all the time, just like everybody.. everything mind sets sights on turns to target issue     how unfortunate for aforementioned coordinates, for anyone close enough for me to put in poems' , important enough to torment conscious over, used to be everybody, used to be nobody, used to be just some people, now its just me and i dont know him

   attempts to speak, to learn again, to teach me about me       to learn to teach                     myself, to set example for ambition directed toward a better version, better verses, better reimbursement of time given tryna be an extrovert, free from bitter, free from bitch asses, set internal standards to never  get fucked with again, fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, i only fucks with a journal & question  everyone,  everything, every word, every whisper, shit ima tell my children every day, breakfast lunch dinner,  do your best and fuck the rest, get it, get lit off enlightenment, fuck rest, save roosting for death, dont look at me, looknat the sky, seize the day in everyway brain permits, dont reach for others' and if anyone tries to take yours, that means they dont fundamentally respect life, so always permeate passion, ignore distractions keeping you from creating, test limits, test intentions, challenge imperfections with wisdom, know that perfect is just cosmetics, but i remain quiet.. remain tied up being alone, wondering..           whether I'm right to do any god damn thing        'cause if I don't do it right..       was I right to think I could, wrong to think I understood

am i wrong not to try?

what of what's sacrificed ?

how do i keep count

how did I end up here       in standby...

standing squeamish & deer eyed in light of opportunities rising in horizon of night skies, to step in to obtain warmth, maintain from days before, to do something, do the one thing, but when will I be ready will eyes be ready to comprehend right or wrong

only me, here. only us, on planet.

only who's responsible? how is who is affected by, afflicted by? when is too late? when is just right, always too soon to tell and.. if I don't do it now, then why expect change..

why, why, why

'cause I expect anything at all

anger toward unmanned vehicles imminent to collide with mine

driven mad up eighty-five degree angled walls during rush hour, sun beaming heat into ride, where i travel on path, thru battlefield of past where fallen intentions decompose to ignorance and wisdom sprouts in the mean time.. I'm in between times, feelin down, down down down down by the way

a trail thru fears past dead ends, rotting trees, looks like fallout hit

a past I try an' forget..

but remember out of reluctance 

to accidentally revisit regret,

stand next to biggest fears,  see if facing them uproots soul

rolls ideas in head, non-stop

like trolls troll under bridges 

to which billy goat gruff temper charges like crono's katana on zenan crossing,

lodes of odes to oaths, lightning loaded, aimed at negative minded sapiens bioshocks via rhythm and syntax, cryo cascades of ideas, locked away in moleskine or computer files to put to rest the rest of an inside in arrest to judgment, in side quest of public playthrough, i feel im on public display, static complaining in front of pretty much strangers   modes of awareness to mental problems i exploit to people who might not think im crazy, who might like what i write, might like to write about the same thing, might see giants in those same nodes i stand near, i hear crisp crackles filling an awkward air as i stare at words on sheets that i might tear, might let collect dust, or share prolly might be quiet, only sound is poetic drafts that fill in under open windows, I open slowly, cool rush, goosebumps, awake aware always, even when mind is a crinkled, crumbled candy wrapper still just construct wrinkles in time via           hairs stand, ovation, and encores to

     helping to cross over doubts, screams of slander, stop it all, right now, shed truth in another light, fed through veins like pen's ink to go over and correct vision of pinheads vane turnin art, free thought to cash and competition, trade purpose blow for blow with obstacles in the name of the next step, over opponents, trade nervous for nerves robust to withstand standing up to stretch and spread chest to stand up for work where time invested is braided circulation    goin in circles,        time wasted pet peeve number 1

    a nowhere never felt before        but something seems familiar.. overlooked,   under yards, under pressure of bone leverage, give life a lift thru cracks of a collapsing effort stretched behind chest and ribs

a heart glows in

hot coal hues hearth warmth under carbon sheets

till blood boils till steam coils from pores to kill the cold along roads

sun or none

no light above, isn't lack of.. 

(look inside)

----

harsh heat of reality hot enough to feel cold

make me go ghost in dark times..

friction strong enough to spark moist..

continue until i sear nerves disembody fromm pain till im felt by meta-form of others

heartfelt arcs between soul and soul-mind 2 mind

light releases thru iris folds spectacle in spectacles----

spectrum wheel of emotions spins &spins to  understand self an urge that intensifies the more  i live life as well as I can Improve every day, no excuse, don't ignore the corners, get behind my ears,every nook and cranny in creative muse-um, uhm, duh, raised on books, nintendo, animation,& wishbone, outside, only myself as playdate, use every square inch as play-scape under every hair in head, a mind uses face and body as way to create 4 fourever& vice versa to escape who ever & know I can do whenever, wherever

wherever i go, a voice in mind goes

that keeps on talkin , keeps me talkin tellin me I've talk--, wrote enough hoped enough to last a lifetime, but that's not enough

and I still got a lifetime

to either solidify or fuck it up

gradually let go of 

to concentrate on life's finest moments i build to build form in appreciation, saying get up, enjoy the sun rays breaching clouds just before dawn; gett off yo butt and do what you know what you taught you to do when you were at multiple low points and you promised you, you'd never fall to end, even if you fall again, again, and again, never stall in the middle of  takeoff stop in middle of road, cant press play if you lost remote, might as well get up and do it, crawl, run or walk away when the times calls to brawl dark-inner energy only honorable mentions defend health during dishonorable discharge of nega, into rivers, into blue sky.. bordered by white clouds and linear silver

a safe place, work space, desk clerk sifting day to day thru file cabinets memories in memos in notebook; written relativity explaining how I see, what I think say what i want like im eight, glad i spent so much time with words and space-bars,   to escape judgment, hatred,

anxious surrounded by bad vibes

above an Earth, below expectations; over a self under surveillance by approval from inside, crazy dimensions, On the fence between people and myself I close eyes, ride waves of nostalgia once more..

see plenty light to traverse pathways, walk fer hours, walk like back in younger days, playin, runnin, completely captivated immersed in games played, tv, roller blades, monopoly, scary stories, trampolines

&10thousand songs later, 10million thoughts later, here I am doing what I made me to.

can't wait for the next chance

supplied energy through lines to hidden gracelands.

[josieh]

They were the perfect couple, they'd always lock lips He gave her his heart, he said don't drop this She looked him in the eye, and said I promise you I'll replace it with mine and it's not gonna move He'd always ditch his friends, he put their love first But as he found out, that's when love hurts She wasn't faithful, always out creepin' round And she was never really there whenever he'd be down But he never caught on he was caught up Cause growin' up, he was never really taught love His old man always did his mum the wrong way And whenever they'd fight, he'd let a song play So he told himself "fuck it I'll be different" But little did he know by doin' that, he'd be distant Cause his girl was always goin' out and gettin' high But he loved her to much that he let it slide He didn't understand why she would always make it hard But he never spoke up, so they could make it last And over time you could see it start to take a toll It's like she got a kick out of tryna break his soul But still he soldiered on puttin' on that brave face Until the night he saw her gettin' with his best mate His stomach dropped, as his chest started cavin' in She gave his mate the same looks that she gave to him He didn't say a word he just turned around Cause every bridge they'ed ever built, she just burnt em down He sent a subtle text, not knowing what's coming next All he thought about was tyin that rope round his neck He sat in his room talkin to his walls like "No-one will miss me I'm sure that they'll be alright I mean look at me, I can't even find hope" Just before he stepped off and tied the rope An hour passes no-body knows that he's gone He's tensed up all white with a note in his palm His girlfriend walks in and drops to the floor But the note in his hand can not be ignored Tears runnin' down her face and her make up The first three words she read were "I hate love" I saw everything I saw the look in your eye But in a way it's alright cause we're born to die Tell mum and dad that I'm sorry that it came to this But I can't go on because I hate this shit I hate the way you can do everything you please And deep down you know I gave you everything you need All the memories we made start to fade to black And I know just like you I can't take this back I also wrote you a song it's in your tape deck And when we fucked I just wished it was safe sex Cause I saw the positive on the stick you hid But for all I know the kid could be his So don't try and say I'm the one that fucked up And I know your hearts breaking and it sucks huh This is it though I'm runnin' out of time to write But I'm goin' cause I felt like the time was right And you should know that my very last thought was you And there's pictures on my bed that I was sortin' through I just wish when it came to us you would try But this is it baby, Goodbye

[srlkiller]

A Valium induced draft entry 📝

These past few months have been impossibly hard. It’s kinda hard to type rn. 5 Valium deep. 6 targin deep. I don’t get much from any of these meds tho expect for slight slouchyness sloth feeling and a general overall calmness I guess. Haven’t been on my usual oxycodone doseage for over a week now. On some low ass slow release withdrawl shit to stop me from getting too ill and adding the Valium to hell with the restlessness/insomnia/anxiety that comes on hard with withdrawals. But that’s beside the point of wtf I’m tryna write about. Just background info.

June was a whole mess. I loss someone so important to me n I’m still going through it majority. Every fucking day. Idk if it’ll get easier. But I don’t wanna forget him ever. The pain is always present. A lot of fuckshit happened n I was goin thrrrruuuuu it man. I quit cigs!!!! Like deadass haven’t had a cig in over a month n I’ve been smoking since I was like 13 or some shit (I’m 24 this year)!! So that was kinda hard but Juul life has saved me fr n I feel soo much better for it. I luv the Juul.

I used to do so many drugs fr like looking back on it. I was on soooo much shit n I just literally stopped it all over time n didn’t even realise how much stuff I ditched. Used to eat benzos like candy legit, was on so many diff pain meds and Lyrica snd tramadol and just mass amounts of anti psychotics, stuff I took I didn’t even kno wtf it was I just accepted the scripts m took the pills man like I was a literal med hamster for psychtrists n doctors cuz I was so messed up. I was just constantly drugged up I lost count of everything I was taking. I just got off everything n I’m so damn proud!!!!!! I think the turning point was my seizure. That scared the shit outta me. Doctors were just giving me all kinds of shit it had an adverse effect on my brain/system to the point where I coulda died... I remember I had a xan period where it was some weak ass street pressed xans and I took heaps for a week straight then stopped then I stayed awake for legit a week after I stopped m it was complete hell...... whatever the fuck they was pressed w Idk but that shit was awful. Been benzo free for the longest until now but I literally only got like 15 Valium just for withdrawl symptoms so it ain’t nothing crazy u kno.

I just can’t believe how much shit I’ve quit in such a short amount of time without even realising it whilst going thru all the other shit I’ve been going thru w my personal life, work life, family issues, health issues, mental health & chronic pain. A huge ass blur of my life but if I break it down I’m doing well on that front n that makes me hella proud of myself :’)

[itsmylifern-blog]

They were the perfect couple, they'd always lock lips He gave her his heart, he said don't drop this She looked him in the eye, and said I promise you I'll replace it with mine and it's not gonna move He'd always ditch his friends, he put their love first But as he found out, that's when love hurts She wasn't faithful, always out creepin' round And she was never really there whenever he'd be down But he never caught on, he was caught up Cause growin' up, he was never really taught love His old man always did his mum the wrong way And whenever they'd fight he'd let a song play So he told himself "fuck it I'll be different" But little did he know by doin' that, he'd be distant Cause his girl was always goin' out and gettin' high But he loved her too much that he let it slide He didn't understand why she'd always make it hard But he never spoke up, so they could make it last And over time you could see it start to take a toll It's like she got a kick out of tryna break his soul But still he soldiered on, puttin' on that brave face Until the night he saw her gettin' with his best mate His stomach dropped as his chest started cavin' in She gave his mate the same looks that she gave to him He didn't say a word he just turned around Cause every bridge they'd ever built, she just burnt 'em down He sent a subtle text, not knowing what's coming next All he thought about was tying that rope 'round his neck He sat in his room, talkin' to his walls like "No-one will miss me, I'm sure that they'll be alright I mean look at me, I can't even find hope" Just before he stepped off and tied the rope An hour passes, nobody knows that he's gone He's tensed up, all white with a note in his palm His girlfriend walks in and drops to the floor But the note in his hand can not be ignored Tears runnin' down her face and her make up The first three words she read were "I hate love I saw everything, I saw the look in your eye But in a way it's alright cause we're born to die Tell mum and dad that I'm sorry that it came to this But I can't go on because I hate this shit I hate the way you can do everything you please And deep down you know I gave you everything you need All the memories we made start to fade to black And I know just like you I can't take this back I also wrote you a song it's in your tape deck And when we fucked I just wished it was safe sex Cause I saw the positive on the stick you hid But for all I know, the kid could be his So don't try and say I'm the one that fucked up And I know your hearts breaking and it sucks huh This is it though I'm runnin' out of time to write But I'm goin' cause I felt like the time was right And you should know that my very last thought was you And there's pictures on my bed that I was sortin' through I just wish when it came to us you would try But this is it baby, goodbye"

perfect couple (part one) fozzey & vanC

[ayeeitsgrayy-blog]

|| watch your actions ||

"They were the perfect couple, they'd always lock lips He gave her his heart, he said don't drop this She looked him in the eye, and said I promise you I'll replace it with mine and it's not gonna move He'd always ditch his friends, he put their love first But as he found out, that's when love hurts She wasn't faithful, always out creepin' round And she was never really there whenever he'd be down But he never caught on he was caught up Cause growin' up, he was never really taught love His old man always did his mum the wrong way And whenever they'd fight, he'd let a song play So he told himself "fuck it I'll be different" But little did he know by doin' that, he'd be distant Cause his girl was always goin' out and gettin' high But he loved her to much that he let it slide He didn't understand why she would always make it hard But he never spoke up, so they could make it last And over time you could see it start to take a toll It's like she got a kick out of tryna break his soul But still he soldiered on puttin' on that brave face Until the night he saw her gettin' with his best mate His stomach dropped, as his chest started cavin' in She gave his mate the same looks that she gave to him He didn't say a word he just turned around Cause every bridge they'ed ever built, she just burnt em down He sent a subtle text, not knowing what's coming next All he thought about was tyin that rope round his neck He sat in his room talkin to his walls like "No-one will miss me I'm sure that they'll be alright I mean look at me, I can't even find hope" Just before he stepped off and tied the rope An hour passes no-body knows that he's gone He's tensed up all white with a note in his palm His girlfriend walks in and drops to the floor But the note in his hand can not be ignored Tears runnin' down her face and her make up The first three words she read were "I hate love" I saw everything I saw the look in your eye But in a way it's alright cause we're born to die Tell mum and dad that I'm sorry that it came to this But I can't go on because I hate this shit I hate the way you can do everything you please And deep down you know I gave you everything you need All the memories we made start to fade to black And I know just like you I can't take this back I also wrote you a song it's in your tape deck And when we fucked I just wished it was safe sex Cause I saw the positive on the stick you hid But for all I know the kid could be his So don't try and say I'm the one that fucked up And I know your hearts breaking and it sucks huh This is it though I'm runnin' out of time to write But I'm goin' cause I felt like the time was right And you should know that my very last thought was you And there's pictures on my bed that I was sortin' through I just wish when it came to us you would try But this is it baby, Goodbye" these are lyrics to a song called "Perfect Couple." in part II of this song, there is a really good quote that i think a lot of people need to here. it says, "don't create a permanent solution for a temporary problem." that hit me. it hit me hard. if you're 12, 14 like me, or even 17 or 24, and are having trouble at home, you'll move out soon enough. if you are having relationship problems, honestly, communication is key. in fact, tonight my boyfriends phone hadn't been working all day and he was scared i was mad at him and he had texted me from his moms phone to make sure i was alright and to let me know he wasn't avoiding me and that he hoped i wasn't mad. it make me cry to be honest. people care. even if it really just is one person. but you have to let them in and help you. take control of your life, don't let people get you down. the pain will be over soon enough.

[un-spokenthoughts]

They were the perfect couple, they'd always lock lips He gave her his heart, he said don't drop this She looked him in the eye, and said I promise you I'll replace it with mine and it's not gonna move He'd always ditch his friends, he put their love first But as he found out, that's when love hurts She wasn't faithful, always out creepin' round And she was never really there whenever he'd be down But he never caught on he was caught up Cause growin' up, he was never really taught love His old man always did his mum the wrong way And whenever they'd fight, he'd let a song play So he told himself "fuck it I'll be different" But little did he know by doin' that, he'd be distant Cause his girl was always goin' out and gettin' high But he loved her to much that he let it slide He didn't understand why she would always make it hard But he never spoke up, so they could make it last And over time you could see it start to take a toll It's like she got a kick out of tryna break his soul But still he soldiered on puttin' on that brave face Until the night he saw her gettin' with his best mate His stomach dropped, as his chest started cavin' in She gave his mate the same looks that she gave to him He didn't say a word he just turned around Cause every bridge they'ed ever built, she just burnt em down He sent a subtle text, not knowing what's coming next All he thought about was tyin that rope round his neck He sat in his room talkin to his walls like "No-one will miss me I'm sure that they'll be alright I mean look at me, I can't even find hope" Just before he stepped off and tied the rope An hour passes no-body knows that he's gone He's tensed up all white with a note in his palm His girlfriend walks in and drops to the floor But the note in his hand can not be ignored Tears runnin' down her face and her make up The first three words she read were "I hate love" I saw everything I saw the look in your eye But in a way it's alright cause we're born to die Tell mum and dad that I'm sorry that it came to this But I can't go on because I hate this shit I hate the way you can do everything you please And deep down you know I gave you everything you need All the memories we made start to fade to black And I know just like you I can't take this back I also wrote you a song it's in your tape deck And when we fucked I just wished it was safe sex Cause I saw the positive on the stick you hid But for all I know the kid could be his So don't try and say I'm the one that fucked up And I know your hearts breaking and it sucks huh This is it though I'm runnin' out of time to write But I'm goin' cause I felt like the time was right And you should know that my very last thought was you And there's pictures on my bed that I was sortin' through I just wish when it came to us you would try But this is it baby, Goodbye

[staylitmusic]

Fed Up by Bazanji Stream on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/0PIhZHuUMkxYIueyOJ9rSh Stream on Apple Music: https://itun.es/us/tCzqhb Lyrics Below Connect With Bazanji ►Twitter: www.twitter.com/Bazanji ►Instagram: www.instagram.com/bazanji919 ►Facebook: www.facebook.com/Bazanji ►YouTube: www.youtube.com/bazanji ►Website: www.bazanji.com/ _________________________________________________ LYRICS [Verse 1] Too many thoughts on my mind I can't sleep at night, so I just keep writing I don't need no help I don't need opinions so don't waste my time then I just been livin online, my city don't show me no love and that's fine Fuck local radio stations, I got more plays than all of these rappers combined I'm goin I'm goin again I been goin in I'm fed up with so many things I gotta just let it all out I'm talkin about The shit they been talkin about Tellin me I should do this Tellin me I should do that Tellin me tellin me things about rap Talkin the truth and then stabbin my back They won't knock me off track no no Too many things have been building, been hard to deal with, I just been drinking Remember my moves in the past, I'm wondering what was I thinkin Lately I'm livin in fear Wondering what if the end is so near All of the shit goin on The shootings are strong One shot to the head and I'm gone I'm losing control but I can't let it go Cuz I'm tryna get more and I been in the moment, I been in the zone and I'm moving alone I don't pick up the phone when my family call I've been doin it wrong and I don't know what's happenin, Tryna get what I just been imagining Gettin close and I just been examining All of the fake shit the game has been packaging [Chorus] I been keepin real I been doin what I feel I been out here tryna kill Every beat I know I will Everything Im working on Every night another song They been quiet all along They gon notice when I'm gone [Verse 2] I come from a town where most of the people are so closed minded They goin to school and they workin a job but they don't even like it I won't be put in a box, Nobody tellin me what I should rock Nobody tellin what I should drop cuz i do what I want and just know I don't stop, Recordin till 4 morning they snoring I'm pouring my soul into every story I'm writing producin I mix it and master I'm building my craft and I'm not lookin back I been goin doin things I wanna do when I want to Everybody wanna get a win but they not due Everybody wanna copy you but they not you Everybody wanna be cool but they not new Woah Look how I go Gon be a dentist I still got the flow Never gon lose cuz I'm still doin both Never gon lose cuz I been on a roll Come to ya state and I'm killin the show Know that I'm young and I still gotta grow Know that I'm workin the most No I'm never gon choke and I'm lookin back down on the people below [Chorus] I been keepin real I been doin what I feel I been out here tryna kill Every beat I know I will Everything Im working on Every night another song They been quiet all along They gon notice when I'm gone Download for free on The Artist Union