#I'll also think about medication again because I'm really really really not well atm

[klara-rosa]

On wednesday I had my first therapy session in 3 weeks and it was such an emotional one that I really struggled to hold back tears (and I know it's normal to cry in therapy but in all my years of going I have only cried twice in therapy and one of those times was my LAST session with my previous therapist when I felt like the world's gonna end because AGAIN I lost someone important to me)

Anyway so I tried to be as honest and open as possible and it was so nice to just have someone acknowledge that you feel like shit, like my therapist said she thought about everything going on recently and she saw that I'm really struggling and that my level of mental/emotional pain is high

We talked about all kinds of things and she also said that she would like me to see a psychologist to have a diagnostic evaluation to see what's really going on diagnose wise because she thinks I might have PTSD and when I told her that I already did such an evaluation once fore BPD she became all ears and told me she thinks I might have BPD and she gave me a book to read up on it

So all of a sudden I might have 2 more mental illnesses 👍 but I'm actually pretty chill about it...like, okay. Just please help me get answers. Tell me what to do to become better. PLEASEEEE

[starlightkun]

lmao i saw this on my dash and was wondering if you felt this way

https://www.tumblr.com/16woodsequ/727490027584667648?source=share

cause you rarely write drabbles, everything you write is like full fic length and takes longer and i see you posting little progress updates and little notes about each fic without spoiling. as someone who likes to talk (may or may not be the adhd idk) i cant imagine being in your position like WEREWOLF SUNGCHAN! EXISTS! IN MY MIND! AND ON THIS DOCUMENT THAT YOU CANT SEE! BUT HE'S REAL!! HE'S REAL TO ME!! like how do you do it? having no one to scream to about your fics when you're writing? and having to wait until its completed and uploaded to have people to talk about it with? like especially with all the crack fics you're writing atm, i would be BURNING with the need to show people how funny your writing is

p.s. medication update: im going to switch from methylphenidate to dexamphetamine tmr because apparently im intolerant to ritalin and i think you're on dexamphetamine rn? im hoping that i see some benefits from it. btw your success is keeping some of my spirit and motivation up despite how abysmal ritalin was for me so thank you for posting about how Adderall was for you i really appreciate having someone experiencing meds alongside me 🫶🏻

-✨anon

link

LMAO sometimes that's me and sometimes i'm writing and i'm like "im never letting another living human see this abomination im writing rn this is the worst thing i've ever written and the only penance for what i've done is to throw myself off a cliffside" like there is no in between im either SO EXCITED FOR IT AND ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT AND AM SO AKSEGKJHKJGKTR or i think it's awful and consider deleting it almost immediately after like this scene for changer2 im writing rn like literally as i got this ask (im not gonna delete it but she is gonna b HEAVILY EDITED)

it's fr so hard having werewolf sungchan AND hockey player sungchan BOTH IN MY MIND RN LIKE 🤪 screams everyday i put on my uniform to go fight in the idgaf war on the side of gaf 🫡🫡🤪🤪🫡🤪🫡🤪🤪🤣🤣🫡🤪🤪🫡 lest we also not forget that single dad kun is in here too and some other fellas that yall dont know abt like its soooooo bad in here for me

sometimes i contemplate posting random one-liners or snippets when i write things that make me teehee extra hard or r like rlly 🔥🔥🚨🚨🚨 but i always get worried about spoilers versus teasers soooo i keep it locked away all to myself and maybe go a lil crazy idk who's to say so i do more vague type stuff like talking about how there's a 2.6k makeout scene without posting any actual lines from it, or saying that one of my favorite character bits that i think is genuinely super funny is in dr. magic but not saying what it is, etc., etc., OR also doing ask games like word in a wip where y'all can try to get some lil snippets from me (which i feel i am always very generous with lol)

p.s. to ur p.s.: very happy to hear that you're getting switched off the meds that weren't working for you! i'm on "amphetamine salts" (generic adderall) which is a combo of dextroamphetamine and levoamphetamine, but pretty much yeah it's the big one in the amphetamine class of adhd meds. it has a sightly different effect than dextroamphetamine alone since it has levoamphetamine as well, which lasts longer and can produce better results in some people (pls go w ur dr on this im not giving medical advice omg just what i learned in my psych classes and the information i've been given). i actually just saw my dr today to check in on how i was doing on the adderall (reg check-up appt). i was rlly worried bc the initial good results i saw in the first days were practically gone after like the first week and i was practically back to normal (i.e., bad. my kitchen is a fucking mess again) and when i told him that he was like "lol that's fine! that was just the trial dose! so we can up you to a normal dose now since you saw good results at first" so hopefully i'll be functioning again 👍 so i love this for us 🫶 rooting for us 🫶🫶

[tardis--dreams]

So, if anyone has any recommendations for dramas with similar vibes as beyond evil and the devil judge I'd be more than grateful to hear them

(so essentially, I'd like something without (too much) romance, ideally queer coded, suspenseful/thriller vibes, good chemistry between main characters..)

[lunammoon]

Sorry this is late but this is for the fanfiction DVD commentary ask XD

Sorry, it took me a few hours to answer.

So, this is the first time that Marion and also the reader, see what happens when the Doctor dies outside of when he is Suppose Too. Marion feels sick, and time loops back around to the point where she can do something different to keep the Doctor alive.

So, Marion tries to ignore herself feeling sick. The whole reason she was out of the house and in that forest clearing in the first place was that she hadn't felt well and wanted to go to the CVS (it's not important but the specific store she was going to was a CVS) to get some medication. And little anxiety when there's a giant bone scorpion is nothing to call home about. And if you're like me, and sometimes get random headaches, brushing off a little bit of nausea isn't uncommon. So then when the symptoms start getting worst, Marion does her best to ignore them and keep on moving because well, people could die, now is NOT the time to call attention to the fact that she feels sick. Her plan was probably to keep on trucking until she couldn't, and that's when she blacked out and stumbled forward.

So the very next paragraph was rather jarring for her, as suddenly when her vision came back, the nausea was gone. If you've ever stood up from your desk too fast after not eating enough, and everything went black for a moment, imagine if when you're vision cleared again, you were somewhere else and your hunger-induced nausea was gone. That's more or less what happened.

Another thing that hasn't had a chance to make it super clear but I still have heavily implied is the fact that when the Doctor is in severe danger, Marion's blood flow slows down, and then if he dies, her heart fully stops.

The "symptoms" she experiences A sense of dread, vertigo, dizziness, arm pain, pressure on chest, loss of balance, and finally blacking out are how heart attack symptoms often present themselves in afab people.

I think if Marion told the Doctor the truth, she might start to distinguish the danger that existed in the actual show from the 5% of danger that wasn't there in the show and killed the Doctor by saying "You'll give me a heart attack Doc!"

I suppose that if we were doing that thing Life is Strange kind of thing where when you go back in time, you leave stuff the people you left behind (for the record, I'm not doing that. When time rewinds for Marion, it's like the whole universe was rewound like a VHS for a few minutes. That's why the Doctor feels time distort even if he's not sure why) everyone else would observe that the Doctor died and at the exact same moment, his friend had a heart attack and also died.

There are some ideas that I had, that translate fine into an audio or visual medium, but are very difficult to convey through textual means. But basically, the bold and/or underlined text is meant to represent nearly inaudible whispers. It takes a little bit to read much in the same way that soft whispers take a bit to decipher. If it's not clear what they're saying it's:

"the door won't open. he was too fast. the Doctor, he died. try again Marion".

Or in other words, the door out of the boiler area was locked when it wasn't supposed to be, but the Doctor had neither a sonic, nor Marion to break the door down. Lazarus was also faster than he was supposed to be. The Doctor died, and Marion was given a chance to try again.

Another example of me trying to translate something that really only works in audio or video into text is in "A Lesson In Physics"

This comes a lot closer to creating the effect I was going for than "as Marion fell, time seemed to slow down".

As for who or what is doing the whispering, every time they've been bold/underlined it's been the same person and every time the words are just bold, it's been the same person. I'll be honest, they don't really have proper names atm. The closest they have is the fact that the one who speaks in Bold calls the one who speaks in Bold Underline "Dear". In my notes, I've been calling the one who speaks in bold "Blue". "Dear" is arguably the one that's leading the way, but neither Dear or Blue could accurately be called "in charge".

They're partially inspired by the blue and green text from the end poem. Marion can't DIRECTLY hear them, but she can feel them subliminally. That's why she ran to help the Doctor instead of going with Martha's family again.

Also from chapter 7, you can see that "Dear" and "Blue" are what Marion has been referring to as "the Bitch Force". But unlike what Marion has assumed, they aren't dragging her around the way they are to be dicks.

[puttingthesamintosm]

Hi I'm sorry to ask about such a personal thing and please don't feel obligated to answer if I'm going too far here (if I am I'm deeply sorry and call me out on it) but I've been seeing some posts about adhd on your blog and atm I'm 👌 this close to calling my doctor to get a diagnosis but I've been hesitant all my life (if you wanna know the whole story I'll tell you no worries) and I'm wondering how you got your diagnosis? What made your parents go like 'maybe there's something'?

holy shit im just seeing this now i dont know when you send it maybe im horibly late (this is a theme in my life it seems). 

but i was a good kid (nice, listened, good marks, was quite in class, did my homework) all my life until i started to fail when i entered college. then i started to get sleeping problems, i couldnt get good marks, i had to drop out of my first choice of college masters (ish, im from the netherlands and i cant quite translate how it works). when i entered for the second time for another subject i tried my best to do all the work, to get good grades but i had trouble focusing, keeping concetration, i procastinated like hell. i initially went to the GP for what i thought was depression, they send me to a psychologist, who didnt help me at all. she suggested i had a rough childhood and that fucked me up and i later learned (via my GP) that she thought i had identity problems -i know perfectly well who i am and what i wanna do in life (kinda)-. this was after i discontinued sessions with her, cause she and i werent on the same page about some stuff. 

she suggested some time that i maybe had ADHD because i mentioned having trouble focusing on school homework and because during our sessions i got constantly distracted by traffic driving by outside and stuff. after she mentioned it, i asked to do a test to see if it was something we could persue but she was against that. this was the point where we didnt agree, she was convinced ADHD is a treatable disease like depression and she wanted me to talk about it so we could cure it and i thought (and still think) that ADHD is something thats not treatable per se. its ingrained in your DNA, so whatever you do -like Dylexia never goes away- it never goes away and you can only discover tricks and methods against it. 

when i started looking for a new psychologist (with help of school) i found a company/authority that is more popular in my country and more regocnized. they think the same way i do, more result and less talking away (scientific approach vs “hippie” approach). i asked them for a intake for ADHD and they gave me one, during the intake they said they didnt know if i had ADHD, because it wasnt recognizable in my childhood (i think this is because they asked my mum for stuff during my chilhood and either she has ADHD too and all the symptoms weren’t out of place for here or because we had such a strict upbringing (because of my youngest sister (not a bad thing, she needed it)) and strict rules are good for ADHD people). so they gave me a possible ADHD diagnosis, and gave me a test to test this. this is the QB-test, where they test you without medication, then put you on ADHD meds until youve found the right dose and then test you again. if you show enough improvement you get the diagnosis, and thats what happened with me (yesterday lol). i showed very much improvement during my second test, i could focus much better and during the conversations i had with my doctor there i also told her i felt i could concentrate (and keep that concentration) much better than without meds.

so my parents didnt really have any say in it, my dad is for some reason very against the company where i got tested so i didnt even tell him for like half a year. what helps is that when i started seeing a psychologist, was when i already was kinda moved out (i lived with my BF + parents for a year and then 7 months ago i moved out on my “own” with my sister) and i was well over 18 (local age of adulthood) when i started. (i was almost 20yrs old when i started). for this reason i didnt include my parents very much in the proces except where they were needed. also worth to say: my mum still doesnt see the ADHD parts in my childhood, which i get because i got ADD without the active part. i told my dad 2 weeks ago i got diagnosed because he asked what my meds were for and i think he still thinks it’s a fad and it isnt true but whatever.