klara-rosa

[klara-rosa]

getting a tattoo (my first one) has been like this:

okay, I've wanted a tattoo since I was 16. I'm 29 now. I'll get it now.

okay, I've found a studio and made an appointment, it's happening and I'm excited

okay, my appointment is tomorrow and I question every decision I've ever made and do I really want this? Am I sure? This is so permanent and I'm usually even too chicken to make a semi-permanent decision like dying my hair

okay, my appointment is in 1 hour. I don't wanna do it anymore.

okay, I've just gotten a tattoo and I LOVE it

okay, my tattoo is 3 days old and I HATE it and now I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life

okay, my tattoo is 1 week old and I'm starting to like it and be okay with it

okay, my tattoo is now 2 weeks old and I ADORE it and I want to get 3 more right this instant!!!!!

[klara-rosa]

is it bad that I developed a little bit of a crush on Yungblud?

[klara-rosa]

I've had such a huge dip in motivation recently and am really struggling to keep going with all my weight loss efforts....it's a mixture of feeling physically tired, mentally burnt out and being confronted with the reality that I'm gonna have to keep doing this indefinitely if I want to maintain my results when my brain often tells me that it doesn't even know how to make me get up in the morning. I just want to sit down and do nothing sometimes. I'm exhausted. Sometimes I just feel like surely it can't be healthy to obsessively count steps and calories either? I feel like I'm forever chasing - something. Steps. Burning as many active calories as possible. Working out 5 times a week. Doing all this even at 10 pm, dead-tired, if I haven't had the time before. It's just...going from one extreme to the other. I just don't know how I'm supposed to keep this up for the rest of my life when I'm feeling so tired and rushed and...I feel like I'm a train that's just never stopping but is always going from one station to the other. Just looking back at the last few months makes me feel tired at the moment because time has gone by so fast and my entire life has been on pause because all I do is work, work, work. Walk, walk, walk. Count, count, count. I can't keep going like this. I'll burn out. (Already am).

I also feel like it's maybe a little bit because I've had some positive feedback and comments and many non-scale victories (like shopping for nice clothes in a regular shop on the high street etc) and because I do feel more confident and stronger in my body most of the time and so...my motivation is fizzling because my brain's kind of like...wow, it's working, now you can slow down a bit and rest! But I know myself and that eventually I'll stop all my efforts and go back to my old ways if I'm not careful. I so badly want to reach my goal and create new, lasting habits and have a healthy lifestyle but I just don't know how...I thought I was doing it but it's become obvious to me that I'm not if I feel this exhausted and like...how much longer? 'Cause that implies that once I've reached my goal, I'm done with all this but if I'm done with all of this then obviously I'll gain everything back...

Honestly, I feel I need to re-evaluate. Slow down. Be more gentle with myself. Not think so much in black and white and move away from this all or nothing mindset...but how???

Sometimes I'm just so angry because my parents failed to raise me with the knowledge of how to take care of myself properly. My dad passed on his ED onto me and I never learnt how to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise and how and what to eat and how much and to not inherintly hate my body. Honestly...I've said it before but I'll say it again, life is the biggest and most random game of lottery there is and you're just left so terribly exposed and without choice during such majorly important phases of it. You get born into a family and from that moment onwards you're put on that path and raised that way and exposed to your destiny and it's so, so hard to turn your life around and change for good once you're an adult. You need so much energy to un-learn; energy that many just simply don't have. My brain is chronically sad and down on life and now I'm trying to force it to look at our circumstances from a different angle and to adjust and it feels like it's not adjusting well.

[klara-rosa]

In one word, The Irresistible Urge to Fall for Your Enemy is magnificent. One of the best books I've read in a while. I knew I was going to love it (👀) but wow. So much fun, banter, chemistry, bickering. A true enemies-to-lovers development. Intrigue. Multiple mysteries to solve. Lovely world-building. And just so, so much fine writing. I laughed so much while reading this. Brigitte Knightley is a wonderful author. 5 💫 out of 5 💫.

[klara-rosa]

I'm only two chapters into The Irresistible Urge to Fall for Your Enemy but the fact alone that the dedication reads pspsps makes it at least a 4 star read for me already

[klara-rosa]

I went into a regular clothing store today and was able to buy things from the regular sizing and for once I didn't buy certain things not because they didn't fit (aka them being too small) but because I just didn't like the style 😭😭😭 I have lost 4, in some styles, 5 clothing sizes already 😭😭😭 this is the hardest I have ever worked on myself and to see it pay off like this is the most unreal feeling ever 😭😭😭 I don't think people who grew up skinny will ever understand this feeling, I can hardly make sense of it 😭😭😭 taking back control over your own life is just...it means the world

[klara-rosa]

I LOVE Jannik Sinner he thanks his team mainly for making him a better person as if he wasn't already a really great human bean 😭😭😭 this young man has his priorities straight and SUCH a good head on his shoulders, it's unreal

[klara-rosa]

i know it's not and shouldn't be about this but one big reason why I really wanted to lose weight was because I hated how I looked in all my clothes and simply never felt pretty or confident and by now, I do feel more comfortable and my body image has probably improved a bit. However, I want to refrain from buying too many clothes at the moment because they won't fit me for very long.

BUT when I reach my goal, I'll fit in almost anything when you go to a store and I'll be able to order from anywhere and there is this one online shop that sells the happiest, coolest clothes, just the kind of stuff I've always wanted to wear but never got to and the minute I step on the scale and that magical number is shown? I'll make a FAT online order from that shop and keep everything that I like. And I've decided I'm gonna buy myself this gold necklace with a little diamond on it that I've had my eye on for a while as a symbol and reminder of what I've achieved and how hard I've worked for it and I'm gonna wear it every single day and touch it whenever I feel like stuffing my face or skipping a workout.

This is a permanent lifestyle change. This is going to last. And once I reach my goals, I'll engage in the most epic shopping spree of my life and bask in the feeling of being able to buy clothes from a regular store and the clothing fitting well. I'll just be a regular girl, for once.

[klara-rosa]

I'll say it. Carlos Alcaraz has rizz. He's charismatic and cheeky and joyful and he knows that he's cool (when he catches the ball with his racquet for example). He's a fine guy.

But Jannik Sinner? He is a lovely, amazing, humble (which Carlos is, too!) young man and I just adore his calm and level-headed character. He is so stoic and well-adjusted and he has such a good head on his shoulders. He is so kind. He works so hard. Ugh, I just adore him. If he were a random guy I'd meet at, like, the office, I'm sure I would grow to be so attracted to him.

Such a joy to watch on a tennis court. So lovely to listen to him talk. He has such kind eyes and his smirk...he is honestly so good for tennis.

Both of them are to be fair! They are both very kind and friendly and humble. But Jannik for me has such a huge amount of flair and just his whole personality makes me so fond of him. I hope he plays for like 20 more years.

[klara-rosa]

sometimes I forget how easily I burn out socially and am then completely empty of any social energy to engage in a conversation with others but this week my colleague is sick and I can't work from home at all which means I've been around people every single day this week so far and I am so exhausted. Yesterday was already a struggle and I especially felt tired and bothered by it all in the afternoon but then today, as my colleagues were talking to me, I was thinking like..."I'm completely empty" and all my physical emergy went out the window, too, and if it were possible and not rude, I'd just have asked them to politely shut up because I just. cannot. talk. anymore. I don't have the energy anymore to check my face and make sure I laugh at the appropriate times and that I'm making eye contact and listening attentively to the words that are being spoken to me. Words mush together and I don't get what's being talked about because I zone out and I don't even care anymore if my face looks devoid of life because it is right now!!!! I just want to not be surrounded by people right now!!!!

[klara-rosa]

I'm rewatching From and the guy from Lost is so damn annoying!!!! I don't think he's a great actor and his character is just so exhausting and petty and - ugh. He is ruining the whole series for me

[klara-rosa]

went to my checkup at the psychiatrist today and pretty much the first thing she said to me after I told her that I don't feel that great was if we ever talked about adhd or autism before and she explained it all to me and used examples (my favourite one to describe my brain sometimes: the task of doing laundry - sometimes it takes me, like, 2 months to finish one cycle of laundry because it's 8 tasks in one and until I've motivated myself to do them all, weeks and weeks and weeks pass) and I felt so seen - like, finally, someone is looking closer. And she acknowledged that adhd is diagnosed less in women and that it presents differently in women, that we're not always necessarily the hyper-active types who can't sit still, but that it's more inwards. That your thoughts are racing and you overthink and question everything. It just felt really good to talk to someone who sees what I've been seeing for a while now. She sent me to get tested for adhd for now and...I don't know. I'm not particularly enthusiastic about having to take adhd medication, but if it helps? I will do it. She also said that for a lot of people their depression and anxiety are kind of like added on top of undiagnosed adhd and that when you treat the adhd, the depression and anxiety get better too. That for many people, taking ritalin is like a gamechanger.

Finally someone is taking it, me, seriously

[klara-rosa]

this week started great because I was able to do a workout that I 100% could NOT have been able to finish a couple months ago but then my energy and motivation crashed and I didn't wanna move at all. Wednesday I was at a point, like, why am I doing this, I'm never gonna be able to reach my goals, I'm not improving physically. But I pushed through this low and worked out every weekday so far. And then today my week totally turned around because I reached a weight goal that I'd been working towards for a really long time and I learnt how much my holiday salary is going to be this year and I was 'promoted', so basically as my old work contract is running out I'm now entering a new one where I can never be let go, more or less, and I had a great, deep conversation with my best friend (I hate small talk and feel like the only way I can really build friendships is when we dive into deep topics straight away) and a new colleague (she started in February but we've been talking more recently) is really nice and we went strawberry picking this week and chat everyday and I feel like, some aspects of my life are really moving in the right direction. I feel more confident and so talking with others and opening up to others is easier and I'm not constantly ashamed of myself and...it feels really nice to be more joyful

[klara-rosa]

Rewatching Stranger Things (season 4) and...........if they kill Steve..........or Dustin.........I......will....NOT be having a nice time.

Steve Harrington is probably in my top 3 most favourite characters ever and I love his whole Dad vibe (and it might have a little something to do with the fact that I adore Joe Keery and think he's so handsome and talented and cool), and I love his dynamic with Dustin and if the Duffer brothers take that from me??? It's over, beaches.

[klara-rosa]

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be better. Last year, after I started my meds and felt better, I genuinely thought the worst was behind me. I finally made my apartment a real home and stepped away a little from my family and made my own decisions, just because. I lost myself in my books and escaped into those imaginary worlds. I was, maybe for the first time in years, happy - or at least I thought I was. Then spring came around and things happened with my parents that forced me to step up again and to help keep things going and I started to feel how that responsibility wore me down. I started working out and eating better and thought if I fix my weight, I'll be happy. And it has made me feel accomplished, but at the same time I've started to feel incredibly sad and lonely and empty out of the blue, for no discernable reason. Like I'm just doing the same things over and over and essentially living the same day over and over again. Like I have no purpose and everything is empty and my life is going by without me living it. Like I'm working towards something but don't even know what that is and that all that work also gets me nowhere because I still feel like shit. So many days I've had recently where I feel I could drop dead right now and no one would notice and nothing would change because that's how little of an impact I've made on this earth.

Most days I can keep going, I push these thoughts away and it's just go go go, keep trying, don't stop. It's like being in a hamster wheel. Then the weather is nice and I sit on my couch and feel like I'm wasting away my life because it feels like I should be doing something. Or I go to therapy and suddenly it's like it all comes flooding back and this wave of emotions crashes over me and I realise that I never ever truly know how I'm actually doing and that I'm just floating through life constantly. Then my therapist tells me that you can either stay in your comfort zone all your life or you can venture out and make scary decisions and might experience bad emotions sometimes as a result, also, but at least then you're truly in control of your life. And all of a sudden I have to hold back tears because I just feel so lost and so damn emotional all the time and I don't even know what I want in life and which decisions I could even be making and am crushed by the thought that I'm alone and will probably die alone and no one cares because I don't care. Because I'm too scared to care, because I keep everyone at an arm's length, because I'm overwhelmed by what I might do and feel and think when I start to explore.

I just feel so lost most of the time. And no one notices! I go to work and laugh and smile and chat with the colleagues I like and I try to be easy-going. I cheer up my family members and joke around because I don't want them to be sad. I tell my therapist I hate myself and finish off with a smile and joke so that she thinks it's really not that bad. But what for? What am I doing all this for. I see no sense in any of it most of the time. Even in therapy I see no reason to keep going because all I do, all I keep coming back to, is being down on myself and questioning everything. For 2 years I've been doing this with this therapist now. Multiple years (in total) with the other therapists I've seen. And the one thing that does make sense, that I come to when I look at the big picture, is that I'm never better and that it's always a struggle and that I always keep going back into a depression. Even when I'm in therapy and am taking meds and actively trying to change the quality of my life. I'm always just sad and lonely and don't know how much longer I can keep going.

[klara-rosa]

Having a massively emotional day on my weightloss journey today, probably the most emotional one I've had so far...started off my day by weighing myself and after gaining a little last week and having felt a little discouraged by that, this week I've lost almost triple the amount I had gained. I'm hitting 10.000 steps everyday, working out 5 times a week (and enjoying it somehow!), meeting all my protein goals. I'm back to walking one of my favourite tracks which I haven't walked in, like, 3 or 4 years? Because it was too hard/I had no confidence in myself being able to do it, and now I'm walking that trail again. So many positives happening.

BUT the reason why I cried today was because I finally looked through some of the clothes I bought during my last weightloss attempt, clothes I had packaged up for years now in hopes I would be able to wear them again at some point. Clothes I bought and wore 5-6 years ago with so much pride and hope in my body that I'm gonna do this. And then I didn't do it, gained all my weight back and some more and spent many years in a state of depression once more. And today I pulled them out of my closet and tried them on and not only did all of them fit again, some were even TOO BIG. 😭😭😭

My favourite summer dress from years and years ago, the dress I used to wear all the time. The dress that was a little tight on my arms and around my bust when I bought it - it's loose now. In the arms. In the bust. It hangs on my body and is loose now. My GAP cotton dresses that are like a straight cut and so accentuate certain areas and used to make me feel pretty - they fit again. My flowy skirt I bought in the summer of 2019 when I had already lost weight and felt so amazing in - it fits again!!!

As I was putting them on hangers and piles, I literally held each of these clothing items close to my chest and cried into them. Because them fitting again is the very obvious result of all my hard work. All my dedication and persistence and consistency and the result of me keeping the promise I made to myself - that I AM reaching my goals this time. No one else is responsible for this win, just me. I did and am doing this.

And it was also emotional because I've been holding onto these clothes for so long even though they haven't fit in many years because I could still so vividly remember how I felt when I bought them and saw myself wearing them for the first time. Those were the last times I truly felt confident and pretty and comfortable in my own skin; I couldn't let go of those memories. And now I fit into these clothes again and it's like a slap in the face that I've been so hard on myself this time around, so harsh and impatient and that every other day I'm seriously doubting whether I'm even losing any weight at all. When 6 years ago I wore these clothes and looked similiar to what I look like right now and felt so proud and beautiful.

I'm doing this. I will keep going. I will enjoy the journey, celebrate my wins and take any setbacks with grace. I will allow myself to feel pretty in my "old" favourite dress, even if I'm not yet where I want to be. I will be gentle with myself and put in the work and see the pretty, hard-working, young woman I am when I look in the mirror.

Today, I am proud of myself!

[klara-rosa]

do you ever stand over your kitchen sink and eat an entire ball of low-fat mozzarella because you need the protein and it's a good snack? Because I certainly do