#I'm going to start ugly crying
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does anyone else feel completely fine and then you come across a MAG200 fanart-or ANY tma fanart, really-and just start mourning fictional people all over again
#that's how you know Jonny is a great writer#but at the same time I want to be angry at him because holy shit that was so fucked literally why would you do that#I can't listen to as the world caves in anymore without thinking of them#I'm going to start ugly crying#the magnus archives#mag200#tma#Jonny Sims#the magnus pod#alexander j newall#Jonathan Sims#the archivist#tma Jon#Martin Blackwood#martin k blackwood#as the world caves in
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last heartstopper chapter EVER............... my brain cant comprehend it. there's literally nothing i've ever kept up with as diligently as i have, as long as i have, as i did with heartstopper. nick and charlie are like real people to me at this point. theyre my close personal friends who update me of their whereabouts three times a month. what do you mean their "story" is "going to end" i'm not sure i believe you alice oseman whoever you may be
#truly the end of an era :') i'm going to be so sad when it ends but also so grateful i was here basically from the beginning#cant wait to see how their story will finally wrap up and when i do start ugly crying youre all going to look the other way.#personal#heartstopper#osemanverse
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since i did traditional art last year and since i've started studying again and so have less free time, this year i'm doing pale gamkar week a little differently than my usual art (in the hopes it'll save me some time ; -- ;) i'm aiming for a little more cartoony and a whole lot sillier!
i didn't have time to draw yesterday so today i'm posting both day 1 and day 2 of @pale-gamkar-week 2024 prompts: laughter and bath!
i might do full colours for these at some point but this is as good as it gets for now lol
#my stuff#pale gamkar week#pale gamkar week 2024#homestuck#gamkar#karkat vantas#gamzee makara#moiraillegiance#after hearing karkat do an unguarded belly laugh for the first time gamzee devotes his whole life to make karkat laugh as much as possible#zero hesitation#he's a devotee of a church of mirth of course making his palemate laugh is the focal point of his life#i have a reverse scenario for day 1 where karkat hears gamzee giggle for the first time instead of his loud honking goose laughter#and karkat starts ugly crying on the spot because what the fuck#what the fuck was that#how did this giant dopey douche nozzle of a highblood cultist just make a sound that cute and innocent#also for day 2 i'm imagining that going to a spa would be a perfect pale date so that's where they are#there's a spa with roman baths and saunas and a jacuzzi tub in my city and it's fucking great#karkat dips his toes in and instantly sags into a boneless heap as all the stress leaves his body at once#gamzee just likes to munch on the cucumbers lmao#he likes the crunch
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Hank Pym taught me that there are choices beyond programming! Janet Van Dyne, that there was beauty in the smallest of people. Pietro Maximoff, that if one's father is evil, it does not mean the child must be! Clint Barton, that there is no such thing as a powerless man! And Wanda, my dear Wanda... taught me that even an android can love!
Universe X #X by Alex Ross, written by Jim Krueger and drawn by Dougie Braithwaite
#I'm going to start ugly crying if you were curious#brieuc reads comics#the vision#vision#earth x#ch: far superior to flesh and blood#r: until the starts burn out#hank pym#ch: the wonderfully winsome wasp#clint barton#pietro maximoff#I couldn't find these panels and I wanted them on my blog#something about how Vision loves these people so much. how IMPORTANT they all are to them.#and how they will be forced to outlive almost all of them#but the love continues on. and the love is why Vision keeps trying to do what's right in every universe#will always sacrifice themself in the name of the love for their friends. their family.#if you even CARE!!!!!!#sobbing into my hands
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VARGASTOBER - day 4 : squee
#sunny's art#vargastober#vargastober2023#squee#squeegee#jthm#todd casil#hello g#starts fucking crying#i uhhh uhhhhh#let's just pretend i didn't skip scriabin okay ...........#i spent the whole day in bed#i really thought i wasn't sick anymore#but then SUFFERING#i'm so so tired my whole body hurts#i really thought i wouldn't do anything today#then suddenly#out of nowhere i get a sudden burst of energy that LITERALLY made me jump out of bed#odd#i find drawing shmee incredibly entertaining#which is funny because i always keep saying he's ugly or something#i should go to sleep ......
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sometimes i think about how i went most of 2023 without taking my antidepressants (for a number of reasons), but then, around the end of the year, i decided to start taking them again because i was feeling so stressed and anxious about grad school.
so i start taking them again in november/december. it takes a few weeks before i start noticing a difference. when i stopped taking my meds, i just didn't like anything. i lost my interests, my creativity. i had no energy to like or do things that bring me joy.
but then, one day, i decide to watch red white and royal blue because i was curious, and immediately, i fell in love with alex and henry's love.
i read the book, and i just see so much of myself in alex.
it's crazy that in a span of just two months, this silly little movie and book brought back the joy and creativity in my life again.
i love this little corner of happiness we've created, and i'm just so glad i'm here.
#i'm just really in my feelings right now#like i didn't realize how much rwrb really meant to me until now#i've watched this movie so many times within the past two months and the last time i've done that was with 'across the universe'#just thinking about permanently etching a piece of this book/movie on my body just made me start thinking about how grateful i am for rwrb#and for the friendships i've created too#brb going to ugly cry into my chicken wings
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#Cannot stop ugly crying... my heart is going to hurt tomorrow again isn't it.#I think soon it will exhaust me and I will be forced to relax out of apathy.#I'm starting to get that sensation of an ice burn in my head again.#Regardless goodnight.#delete later.#Spotify
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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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rambling in the tags ignore me
#immm sooodisbsndjsidnn#friend bought me a ticket to see my favorite band who i haven't seen since 2019#and i was devastated last year bc i couldn't go and it was their first tour back from a long hiatus#and then the prices for this years tour was too much for me#so now i was even more upset#and their tour started last night and i was like okkkk if this one specific song is on the setlist i will go#and it was on the setlist and i was sitting here trying to figure out how the hell imma get a damn ticket#and so my friend bought me ticket 🥹🥹🥹🥹#and now i'm seeing them a month from today 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹#🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹#i'm going alone and i have to make freebies but im just so excited ive been sitting here ugly crying even though they aren't the best seats#im still gonna be there and im just SOOOOOOOOO#WAAAHHH#sorry i needed to let this out im just SO excited OKAY this is a very big deal for me#i haven't been to a concert in a year#and im just#like yall november is such a hard month for me#i needed this so bad#okay anyway lemme shut up shshsjsjsxkssj
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i'm so fucking done with being poor
#.#i just had a breakdown about it!! yippee#like i was supposed to go to the hairdresser forever and i still fucking can't#i hate that everytime i want to do one thing my mum have to ask my dad ''do we have enough to do this''#even if its something small#like i can't even buy new clothes this summer even if the one i have are all old and ugly af i hate it so so much#i want to cry#(i just cried)#i'm so fucking done#whenever i want to have a snack there's like. zero thing#our fridge is empty af All the Time#everyone is like ''oh but try making this and this it doesnt' require a lot of thing!!" yeah no i can't i don't have enough#i would like to have like. hair conditioner#but i fucking can't#i'm so done#why did my dad started this#golly gosh!! (sad edition)
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#I'm broken#I was already broken but now I feel like I can't do anything#Ive done too much#and now I'm just a piece of shit who won't apologize to anyone upfront#Just crying in the tags pathetically waiting for anything to happen#I can't do this#I can't help people no matter how hard I try and it makes me feel like I have absolutely no purpose here#and It's taking too much of a toll to fail#I should just go to sleep and forget about everything#but sleep is for people who care about themselves#I do care about myself#but I care in a way that I need revenge on her#I loathe her and everything she's done to the people that tried to love her#she's pathetic and ugly and I don't see how anyone even tried to befriend her in the first place#and I feel especially bad for the people who succeeded#because she turned into a clingy parasite for everyone who talked to her#She never even had the courage to start a conversation with people and made each and every one of them feel like this shitbag didn't care#She just hurts and hurts and hurts until she comes crawling back to apologize only for her to clam up all over again#she's selfish and rude and pathetic in every awful way and I wish people would learn that about her#I feel sorry for her and everything that becomes of her shitty actions#but she never FUCKING learns and it ends up hurting everyone that was sorry enough to pity her with conversation#I wish she would just suck it all up and try to be a good fucking person for ONCE in her FUCKING life in a way that didn't make people want#to fucking#off themself just because they TALKED to her and she rudely FUCKED OFF TO NOWHERE#because at the end of the day#I say to myself#at the end of the day she tries her fucking best#BUT NOBODY SEEMS TO FUCKING SEE THAT SHE IS CONSTANTLY FUCKING TREMBLING AT THE MERE *THOUGHT* OF HAVING TO LIVE AS HERSELF#and I feel so bad for her#I feel bad for me I guess
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bro wtf, this is late May weathers. get outta here.
#throws arms in the air in defeat#might as well start the tomatoes outside this year. kicks bin of seeds out the back personnel door#if we have more than 2 days above 95 degrees fahrenheit this summer I'm GOING to bite someone.#legit if it's too hot in the greenhouse where I normally plant veggies they all get noodly and stupid. we've made space in the hoophouse#in previous years but that's 1) a hassle and 2) RISKY bc if it DOES get seasonably cold out it's hard to heat it above 40*F in there.#which is Too Cold for tomatoes & peppers. like they'll live but they'll look so ugly about it. scarring and such. customers don't like that#I've killed off all my squash by moving them out there too early. it's sheet plastic and metal! with holes in the walls! it's not ideal!!!#spans of hot weather followed by regular cold temps means I get all these overgrown veggie plants and nowhere to PUT THEM. wailing crying &
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I may have hit an all time low mental health wise but I'm being so chill about it
#just randomly tearing up/crying for like 30 seconds before i tell myself#no. it's not worth crying about it. you keep those tears inside your body!#my life might be falling apart right in front of me after i tried moderately hard to prevent that from happening#but i refuse to cry about it (more than i am in these random 30 seconds of intense existential despair washing over me)#i need a plan for the future.#step one. get degree. hopefully achieved by may#step 2. apply for internships and jobs#step 2.2. find job to earn money before getting an actual job#(i think my professor changed her mind and doesn't want to keep me as her assistant after all#i haven't heard anything back for ages and the contract was supposed to start again in may#so. let's see if i find something else)#step 3. leave this godforsaken town and university and never look back. don't think about what could have been#don't think about academic work ever again. just let go. it's not worth it#step 4. try to make life less miserable somehow lmao. (optional)#i want to tell my mother about this fucked up situation#just so i don't have to hide it anymore and pretend things are going as planned#but i can't#oh well#I'll probably end up without any courses this semester so I'll just rot away in this ugly apartment#i hate everything and everyone istg. but it's chill. i'm so. chill. about. this.#(yeah no i don't usually use that word that often. or. ever tbh. just another indicator just how chill things are.)#void screams
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How do u know if its love or mental illness?
#I'm so fucked up in the head#so glad I have therapy later#love#bpd#bipolar#fawn response#like ugh I am so fucking afraid of myself#I take a look at my past 3 relationships and I have absolutely devastated all three of them and I don't want to hurt anyone else#but I'm literally 3 for 3 in the ruining lives department and like okay yeah 1 and 2 eventually got over it and moved on but what if 3#never does? I mean I guess its all so new and raw but like I feel so awful. I feel like I'm never allowed to love again until I can like#not hurt people? but I think we are all always gonna hurt people. ugh love is so stupid I wish I could just turn it off!!#I wish I could just rip it out of my chest and fucking kill fucking beat the shit out of my heart so it never dares to feel or want again#and then I get surprised when I tell people that and they look at me like they're going to cry#why in the world should I be allowed to love?? when it clearly does so much damage??#and then its worse right because then when I love someone I google the symptom of every fucking mental illness imaginable. bpd. bipolar.#adhd. autism. you name it I've searched it. and like I have bipolar so then I start invalidating my own love. I tell myself things like#oh youre just manic and thats making you think that this person is in love with you. oh you're just manic you think you are the center of#everyone's universe. oh you're just manic you aren't actually happy around them they just enable your ugly illness#and then like the things in question that are making me think this as like totally valid and normal things#like oh you're just manic you think they love you- my brother in christ they remember the smallest details about me and always know how to#make me laugh. we can't lock eyes longer than a few seconds before we both smile etc etc etc#but then it gets analytical- you know? bc then my brain is like ok we have to disprove our own personal bartholomuel that nafty brainworm#but you cant logically analyze something like love I don't think#right and then like I'm so deep in this hole of analyzing I start running the simulations of all the damage I'll do if/when it ends poorly#because I'm a piece of shit and I always always always go stir crazy and lose myself in it and panic and try to run and then bury my own#personality and wants and needs bc I want so badly to be loved I subconsciously shape shift myself into their ideal partner#right okay so then I'm minmaxing it- I'm speed running the imaginary relationship in my brain start to finish every single day and living#in a fake scenario where we break up every single day thousands and thousands of times over and none of that even happened#its like- because I have to prove to myself that its pure and genuine love and not mental illness or attachment or pure lust allows this#evil part of my brain to just take over and go hog wild torturing me with all these awful situations that don't even exist!!
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my therapist disMANTLED me
#i love her#but i felt like a lego set being pulled apart section by section#it's gonna really hurt once she starts moving the legos out of the way piece by piece#cracked me for sure#and i dont like it bc i dont want anyone to know about the ugly things inside of me but i know me not liking it is good actually#she is getting to the bottom of it#gotta sit with these stupid feelings#imma go eat lunch now#food after a good cry hits different#like its really nice#feeling like a moody toddler that is exhausted from all the big feelings#i'm gonna eat#personal
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soulmates this, soulmates that... you will never have the emotional, mental, physical, metaphysical significance of t'hy'la
#it's 130 am I just finished session 0 of a vtm game and I'm thinking about spirk yet again#going to bed before I start ugly crying about true love and it's infinite forms
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