#I'm off sick from work atm and not in a good place mentally so i might.

[catboii]

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[thingsandtrichotillomania]

2022 A Bullet Train

Oh wow. I haven't been active much because I've been so busy. I got my first covid shot in January, then got sick at the end of January so had to postpone the 2nd until early February. But I got the shots!

Then I and the boyfriend saw John Mullaney on March 12th I think and it was okay. The whole day was stressful but the show itself was good. I got a T-shirt because they didn't have many merch options.

And I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow which will tick another thing off of my Resolutions. I'm very very anxious about the appointment but I'm keeping the thought that it'll for sure be over in like 24 hours at MOST. 20 hours if I need to make it to 12 pm tomorrow but I doubt the visit will be 3 hours long.

I've been sort of brushing my teeth better. It's still hard to remember when I don't work.

As well, I just got a call today from the 1st job application I put in less than a week ago. We have a meeting on Zoom tomorrow just to see if they want to pursue other interviews. Nervous about that but the job is a Mental Health Tech and they start at $15. Which is $2 more than I'm making atm. I'm worried bc I have no previous experience but I also have to start somewhere. I have to make sure I mention that I'm currently taking a Clinical Psychology class where I've learned about the different therapies and the assessment process and different sections of therapy like neruopsychs, older people, children, etc.

And we are also looking to move. I just called two places. One needs me to call tomorrow to see if an application went through. If not we might be able to apply. The second is too expensive. The first one this morning doesn't allow cats but allows dogs. Makes no sense. So that's in the process. Just worried we won't find something.

College graduation has been applied to. I got my cap and gown yesterday! It's May 14th. My last day of classes is soon, April 28th. I kind of want to get my ears pierced before then? But I've also done so much so I'm not sure. It all depends on how the job interview goes and all of that.

96 days into the new year and I've accomplished so much and have been essentially marked down for a few other things. It feels like the president's first 100 days where they do everything they can before slowing down a bit lol.

April 6th, 2022

[spacedustmantis]

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees x dsmp!Ranboo

first off, listen to this song, it’s beautiful

anyway, so, like this song, right

Verse 1:

I’m setting pen to paper again - the memory books

Lost my sense of home from the words that i’ve said - him loosing friends and a whole nation after being outed as a traitor by dream through his own words that he’s written in the book,, also him being worried about loosing people again, being afraid of himself being the reason

But the thoughts have begun to ferment in my head And content manifest don’t feel good enough for them - memory problems, but also feeling as though he can’t trust himself anymore, the feeling of going crazy, loosing control, panic

So I Try and transcend my ego - trying to trust himself, to gain confidence, to be more social, or at least act like it (he will put on a show in front of Tubbo, Phil, Techno, Tommy)

But don’t we know It will never work - Ranboo ultimately being convinced that he isn’t strong enough, that he’s a bad person etc.

Maybe I’ll just descend to dirt Flirt with becoming food for worms - he feels useless, undeserving of what he has, wants to hide from everyone just wasting away forever alone

Chorus:

Would anyone listen to this - Ranboo feels alone, as though noone could understand him, and noone would even try

The ramblings of a lunatic - he’s convinced that he would seem crazy to everyone else if he told them about everything

My mind does play an awful trick - (lol do I even need to explain this one?) memory loss, hearing Dreams voice, enderwalking

I'm running from my emptiness My brain is tired, my stomach sick - sadboo (as in severely mentally ill)

Verse 2:

Why has constructing sentences become like pulling teeth - Ranboo is physically unable to talk about his experiences with others (has been confirmed in the last stream)

Wiping dental records clean Is the carcass even me? Is This catharsis Therapeutic plunge to darkness Or elaborating upon my mediocrity - tbh i have no fuckin clue what this is supposed to mean i the first place (I’m tired)

Maybe this is a result Of me finally accepting That I'll be alone forever That I deserve forgetting - do i even need to elaborate further? the forgetting part fits so unbelievably perfect, it could legitimately be a thing c!ranboo said

It's a pointless endeavour And maybe it's upsetting But I've never felt more comfortable In the concept of things ending - not necessarily were c!Ranboo is atm, but I can see him giving up hope, as we have seen that side of him before (after being outed by c!Dream), giving up, giving in, putting an end to the struggle to keep fighting; but also, on the other hand, ending conflict, ending pain, putting in work to defeat Dream (what he is planing to do rn)

Verse 3:

Maybe this writer's block that I've been perceiving Is to stop me diving deeply into my internal being - don’t know what the writers block would be, but Ranboo is afraid of himself and he has been afraid of finding out more about himself, only now being able to take the step and confront himself

And falling into darkness below my surface tension - the possibility of him diving too deep and never waking up from the enderwalk is a possibility that I personally have entertained and I bet it’s crossed c!Ranboos mind before, seeing how he has been “experimenting” for a while

Emotional suppression my coping mechanism - cc!Ranboo has talked about how the enderwalk is triggered by intense emotions such as fear. I recently saw a post that talked about how c!Ranboo has to suppress emotion constantly in order to not start enderwalking. also c!Ranboo probably would repress his emotions anyway (someone drag him to therapy, please)

’Cause all my friends are dying , some faster than the others Lungs filling up with fluid, place face under the covers - c!Ranboos biggest fear, people near to him getting hurt or dying, also Phil and Tubbo are both on their last life, and Tommy did actually die

I’m trying to distract myself from the fears that I’ve discovered - lots of fears going on in that head, panic room and such, but also again repressing emotions, ignoring his mental health as he’s been doing since the beginning

^^^ this is all of the lyrics of the song and (almost) all of them fit so well into the narrative, god i love this

[into-control]

i’m literally at the point where i just feel like shutting down // idk if this will make you feel better or worse but I think that's completely understandable bc we're literally in the middle of a pandemic that has caused major disruption to our lives, and a lot of us have also either gotten sick or known people who have gotten sick or even passed away, and it's all unbelievably stressful. and so it's kinda messed up that society expects us all to function normally

like idk if hearing other people are in similar situations will help or not (I'm sorry if it doesn't, I'm ok at it but I'm not great with social stuff, I'm on the spectrum), but my life is a whole mess right now. I think I'm a couple of years older than you so we're similar ages (ish), and I'm also stuck at home with my parents right now, I'm almost entirely closeted and it's causing some issues atm, and don't even get me started on online classes 😭✋. I haven't even been logging in to half of them, I have a group project that I've not even began, I have a lot of extremely important exams in literally a month, and I have not done anything. I don't even know the content.

I went from being top of the class and getting As and A*s to being at the literal bottom of the class and getting Ds and Es during this pandemic. and it's looking extremely likely that I'll fail the year, which is like £10,000 down the drain that I can't afford, and will mean I'll have to change all of my future education/career plans and do something else instead. I haven't been replying to emails, I've been struggling with other mental health issues a lot, etc. I went from functioning before the pandemic to barely functioning at all. and I'm really dreading going back to physical classes next week. people on the spectrum have a hard time dealing with changes, especially major ones, but tbh, even a lot of NT people are feeling thrown off by all of these changes and stressed and having a hard time

so I think I can understand (sort of) how you feel, even though I don't know your specific situation and only you know exactly how you feel, and it just sucks the way that we all have to continue on like everything is normal. imo places of education and workplaces should be providing more mental health support and being a little more relaxed with deadlines and the amount of work expected, but we're in a capitalist hellhole, so 😞

the way I've been trying to get myself through it is just reminding myself that other people are struggling too bc sometimes you really do feel like it's just you and that everyone else is doing fine. and for me personally, it makes me feel comforted almost, knowing that there are other people who know how I'm feeling right now, at least to some extent.

and I just keep reminding myself that we're gonna get through this. like it's an actual nightmare, and it feels like it's going to last forever, but it won't. it's just a really rough period in our lives, but it won't last forever. it's going to settle down eventually, and then we can hopefully get back on track and try to find some sort of plan to move forward from any damage that's been caused.

and for me, I'm also trying to start putting a lot more time into studying by waking up earlier and making to do lists and daily plans, because right now I've been avoiding things for several weeks (if not months), but I'm trying to fight that instinct and work against it

I'm really sorry you're going through a difficult situation too, and I really really hope you feel better soon. I didn't know what to say really because I'm not good at this kind of stuff and sometimes accidentally make people feel worse (😭), but I am really rooting for you and for me and for everyone else that's finding things difficult at the moment, and I really do believe that we can all get through this. and at least there's a vaccine now and things are looking more hopeful on that end. good luck with everything and I hope things improve for you soon!

this will end, and it's completely ok and normal and understandable that we're finding this hard, but it won't last forever at least 🙏 that thought is the only thing keeping me (somewhat) together right now, but it's true, our situations aren't gonna last. everything is awful and a mess and really difficult at the moment, but we're gonna get through it! ❤️

thank you ❤️❤️ i’m sorry about your grades, mine have been slipping a little bit and one side of me is completely freaking out about it and the other side is really indifferent to it bc i’m so drained but that in itself stresses me out so it’s all a big mess that i really just want to get through. i’m not very keen on losing my 80+ average scholarship and disappointing my parents but we’ll see

[dxmedstudent]

Hey dx. Hope you're well. I don't know if you remember this ask, but I'm the anon who asked a few months ago about supporting a friend in med school with depression and finding it a bit much. A lot has happened since then. She's sadly left med school and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Currently she doesn't really have stable periods and is either high or low. I got kind of ok with having boundaries with texting etc/meet-ups only when actually able to. Part 1

Part 2. Anon supporting friend here. Recently she’s been high and has been messaging me nearly all day every day/asking if I’m there if I take time to reply/constantly updating me on what she’s doing/sending me all her family pictures. I’m finding it really stressful and overwhelming, tried turning off my notifications yesterday but still keeps going. My own anxiety is flaring up and I’m stressed hugely with workload.

Part 3. Anon supporting friend. I’ve told her I take time to reply because I’m stressed/overwhelmed and yet the messages keep coming. I know she’s hypomanic/manic so she probably sees things in a different perspective atm and forgets that it’s too much. I’m wondering whether it’s worth asking her to please message a little less as I find it overwhelming to get so many messages each day, or whether it will just not work as she isn’t in her right mind. Part 4. She has got professional help in place. She’s fallen out with her other friends because they don’t message her when she’s low etc/her best friend has distanced herself from her because she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to not be friends but I need to work something out! I’m trying to remember she’s ill but I’m starting to feel unwell too. Any advice?! PS. I know this is an extremely long ask and that you’re very busy, so please take your time if you need            

Hey, I’m glad to hear from you again. I’m so sorry for my late reply; I rread your ask at the time, and thought about it a lot. But I had to take some time to process my own life problems and mental health, and I couldn’t really give most of my asks the time or energy they deserved, so I had to leave them until they could. Which is kind of the theme of this ask, ironically. But I hope late is better than never.  Thank you for your message at the end of your ask, it’s very much appreciated :) I’m so sorry that your friend’s going through a rough time, and that you are, too. I’m so sorry to hear that she left med school; bipolar is a truly difficult illness, she has been on a really tough journey.  I’m glad she has professional support; that’s always a huge deal because the right treatment and support can revolutionise people’s lives. I’ve seen it, and though I don’t think the way we treat mental health is perfect, I do think we can do so much good by acknowledging mental illness and treating it properly. And taking people seriously. I’m glad to hear you started to work out some boundaries that worked for you; it’s tough, but it’s good to hear that you made some progress, even if it doesn’t always work out as  well as you hope, it’s still progress. You’re right to put your own wellbeing first; it’s hard for us to support others if we’re being brought to a mental breakdown ourselves. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn, but you can’t serve others with a broken/empty cup. I think it’s a really fair idea to turn off notifications to avoid overloading yourself. She can keep going; thats OK. You can’t control your friend’s mania, or how ‘full on’ they are; perhaps not even they can. Unfortunately, that’s part of the illness. And it seems you understand that well, deep inside. She might process things differently, and I think you’re an excellent friend for doing your best to support them, and understand what they are going through. I’m putting this under a cut because it’s long.

Everyone reacts differently to being told the truth, so only you will know how they might respond. Sometimes we can just tell people ‘sorry, I’m not feeling well so I might not respond much’. Sometimes we invent excused to be kind or because we aren’t ready to talk about the entire story; in my view, in personal* settings, it’s OK to tell white lies not to hurt people sometimes. I’ve told friends I’ve been sick or oncall when I couldn’t attend events because I was physically exhausted or not feeling well, because I really cared about seeing them but didn’t want them to think I was not coming because I was not bothered. However, with close friends I’m honest, and the vast majority of the time, if I say I’m oncall, it’s because I’m actually oncall. I don’t like fibbing, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, so it’s a fine line, but I’d rather feel a bit guilty than make others feel bad. It might be OK if you tell her that you sometimes need time to reply because you are overwhelmed; have you ever discussed your own mental health issues with them? Do they get that you get really anxious or overwhelmed? It might depend on how much insight they have into their own state right now, and perhaps it’d be difficult for them to moderate how they act, or how they feel about it.  However, if you find yourself having to take quite a bit of time to yourself, don’t feel shy to just tell them “I’m not ignoring, you, I just wasn’t feeling well and had to take a break, I’m listening now”. Or you could say “I care about all your messages, and I always read them all, but sometimes I can’t reply to them all at once because I’m busy/overwhelmed/tired/unable to process it all”. If they get upset because you haven’t replied, it might help to reassure them that you do care (because this is, deep down, what they fear”, and that you care about their wellbeing, but that other issues in your life have been stressing you out, too. And that you just didn’t want to bother them with your stress, so needed to take some time out. There are ways of discussing it that don’t outright lay the blame on them, or make out that they are the cause of your problems, when it’s not true, and therefore avoids making them feel guilty for things outside of their control. Something can be not the cause of our problems/stress and still be overwhelming, and if you’re able to be honest with them, I think that’s a good way to put it across.  As well as the idea that in order to be truly there for them, and have enough energy and time to be able to support them, sometiems you need to take time out to process the other things in your life. Work, uni, family, love life, etc, whatever it is. Telling someone “I have a lot of thigns in life that are stressing me out, and draining my energy, and sometimes I need to take some time out to process/fix them, and rest before I can chill with you and help you, and be happy with you, because otherwise I’d spend my time with you stressed and miserable and might make you feel worse” makes sense. I can’t say if that would work for your friend, but I feel a lot of people would understand that. In the end, I am sure they care about you, too. But because of their own illness and issues, deep down they are probably terrified of losing you too. They know that their illness can make things harder for them, harder for those around them, and they probably feel really bad about that; we all beat ourselves up over stuff like that. Reminding them that you care, and want to be there, and want to be strong and rested so you don’t bring them down with your own problems is actually a kindness to them. I remember publishing a similar ask/anwer/post by someone else who answered a similar question, because it reminded me of you and your ask. I hope you saw that, it might be tagged under my #mental health and medicine tag. You come across as a supportive, loving friend who is doing their best, please don’t feel guilty if you have to put yourself first. I hope you and your friend take the time you need to heal. * In professional settings, we’re bound by the rules of probity. We don’t lie in medicine. TBH my parents raised us to NEVER LIE, which makes working in medicine easier because I’m a terrible gulty fibber who likes to follow all the rules and who doesn’t even like parking in the wrong place, much less anything exciting.