#I'm proud of who i am but it can be a bit...lonely? i guess sometimes

[party-lemon]

being asexual is, most of the time, like "yeah, okay, this is cool, this part of me is super neat" and then, sometimes, you're among allo people who talk about sex semi-casually (and that's okay!) and you're like "wait that's a real thing that real people do, holy shit??" and you feel severely disconnected from everything and everyone

[pardonmydelays]

this is probably going to be the weirdest post ever written by me, but i do feel the need to write it, so let's go clowns (i doubt anyone besides prison gang will read it tho. and honestly i don't care, this is very personal anyway and i just need to get it off my chest).

i honestly don't even know how to start, but i'll try my best. i'm sitting right now in front of my laptop in my small apartment & i'm trying to find the right words. it's been a year. it's not easy to be alone, it gets really lonely sometimes, but at least i have my freedom. i have my music. i have my friends. i can do whatever i want. i gave up on a lot of things along the way & i am desperately trying to bring back this part of me i thought i lost long ago. one step at a time.

so it's been a year. maybe a little explanation: on june 1st, 2023, i made a decision to move out from my (now ex)fiance and try to live on my own. it wasn't easy for me, because despite all the things happening at the time, i was still in love. we were together for 3,5 years. i was supposed to marry this guy. i was happy. until i wasn't. i'm writing all of this, because it's been a year, and still to this day every time someone asks me about him i just laugh it off and change the topic. i didn't let myself mourn for even one day, i didn't cry, i just tried to block that memory and moved on immediately, desperately trying to hold onto new things as a form of distraction, i guess. but it's still inside of me and it still makes me fucking angry. so why i left... i was a victim of mental abuse for such a long time & i didn't even realize how bad it was. i don't want to go into details (now that i think about it, it was truly a disaster), maybe one day i will talk about it with a therapist (because i do consider going to therapy, more than ever now), but he crossed the line one night when he told me i should kill myself. unfortunately for him, i'm still alive. moving out wasn't easy, because i was on my own, too proud to ask any of my friends for help, pretending everything was fine for such a long time (until one time i had a mental breakdown at work in front of my manager but i don't wanna talk about it). so i moved out. had to block him everywhere cause he didn't want to let me live. the worst part of it is that i never really got any closure... i just left the apartment with my things one day and i remember he was laughing at me when i was leaving with tears in my eyes (the most fucking embarrassing thing that ever happened to me), he was probably too drunk to remember this tho. all the things he said to me are still living inside my head & i don't think i'll be able to build a normal, healthy relationship in the future without any help because i have massive trust issues now & very low self-esteem. anyway...

one of the things i had to do in order to forget was to find new obsessions & let go of the things that reminded me of him. so i found myself a new passion and built a huge unbreakable wall around myself out of it: musical theatre. on june 1st i watched hamilton and that was the only thing about me he didn't know (we used to watch pretty much everything together). it was mine. i finally found something that was entirely mine. it was something i really needed at the time and i'm not even kidding now, it was my lifeline. hamilton & lin-manuel miranda. you're probably thinking now that i'm not passionate about it anymore, because i changed my personality again, but that's just not true. it will be always a huge part of who i am and i will always be super grateful because it's something that literally saved my life when i needed it the most. taking a little bit of a break from it now is totally ok & i will probably talk about musical theatre again, soon. i missed my old self tho. i'm not even joking, i literally gave up on everything because of him (i couldn't even eat some of my favourite things anymore because they reminded me of him for such a long time, that's how traumatised i was).

i didn't even hold my ukulele for a year. A YEAR. i used to record videos of myself playing & singing and send it to him when he was at work. you don't know this, but this instrument was my biggest happiness for such a long time (ask bel, she got a lot of videos of me being a clown, too). i used to play twenty one pilots songs, no surprise there. we went to their show together (mostly because i wanted to go, he was never a huge fan but liked them a bit because of me). i stopped listening to them when we broke up, just like i stopped playing ukulele. all of those things found their way back to me this year. laugh all you want, i feel like this is a part of my healing journey. i'm writing this while sobbing like a child, because i'm listening to them right now and i am staring at my ukulele lying casually on my bed and i feel like the old me is back and I MISSED HER. SO FUCKING MUCH. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. i don't ever want to let her go again. i cannot lose her this time...

during this one year i found a lot of new things that i absolutely love and can't live without now. my passion for theatre, new friends (prison gang, this is mostly about you, i want you to know that everytime i doubt in myself i think about you & i know there's someone who actually cares & i love you so much you don't even know), i also realized i'm actually stronger than i thought. i'm here alone. in my favourite city in the world, 400km from home & my family, on my own, and i live. i survived. it's hard sometimes, but i am actually ok. and i'm here, just like i always wanted. wow.

i feel like the entire last year was me desperately holding onto new obsessions as my way to cope and block all my feelings. which doesn't mean it wasn't real. i am just letting it all go for now, to go back to it later. i just think it wasn't healthy, so i need a break. because deep down i wasn't really happy. now my twenty one pilots phase is back, stronger than ever, and it's mostly because their songs are so relatable for me & i don't feel so lonely anymore (when i listened to clancy for the first time & realized how much i relate to these songs i was speechless. it made me depressed. but the more i listen to it now, the better i feel. wow. i needed this album so much, it helped me process a lot of things that i've had hidden inside my brain). i feel like i am finally accepting things as they are. i am messed up, i'm not entirely fine but i am finally ready to talk about my feelings and honestly i feel more alive than ever. am i happy? no. but i will get there one day. i am healing and that's what matters.

this is chaotic, i know. i used to write things like that in my journal. maybe i will go back to it one day. but this time i'm using tumblr for that, simply because i want you guys to know this about me. she's back and i'm not letting her go this time. i need to take care of her, she deserves it.

[p-receh]

Since my previous posts talked about elementals. I want to write an essay about them from my perspective and possible theories and headcanon I gathered so far. It might not be accurate so fill me in if you want to add or correct some of it. I love open discussion ^^

I've seen some people thought that in the early season, all elementals had not have characteristics but changed after Halilintar's incident.

Boboiboy's emotions under circumstances not only triggered the true self of available elementals, but it also awakened the other elemental powers as well(hence how the rest 4 were born) like what anon said here.

This is gonna be looooong ted talk so I have to spilt this in two parts!

What I want to talk about is how interesting their character development throughout the series. Starting with the original trio!

(That 3rd picture lasted for a few minutes... I didn't even notice their communication at first. :'()

Their development was that drastic in the youth era. The unstoppable "the fun, the serious and the tough one"(edit: more like, "The Striker, Tacklerer, and The Goal Keeper in soccer terms. Don't ask why I thought about this a lot) which sparks Boboiboy as the hero of Pulau Rintis. But, it's starting to decrease during Galaxy onwards.

I know I know they need to blend with the others as well. (They got most of the screen time in every series after all). I already talked about it here.

(People say this year indirectly the reunion of this trio I guess? Windara and Gentaraju animated arc? ...

but... aaah well... my head's spinning right now >_<)

Halilintar/Thunderstorm.

What more to say about this person? haha, I've already talked about it from anon in the first link I put on before and this one.

But still, from the very first moment he arrived till today, I am almost certain my hypothesis then and now is coming true. Being just created as "the cool, serious" side of Boboiboy, This 'talk less, do slash more' guy unknowingly becomes the tsundere eldest due to his tragic incident.

He is such a supportive person behind that murder mask. Seeing rare moments that he actually cares for others whenever he can is an absolute miracle. God, the season 2 comic and Sori continuingly showed his soft side from youth era. wtf my 12-year-old me is screaming right now! aaarghh! :3

(But that face in ep 5 when he's strangled lmaooooo X'D)

Taufan/Cyclone

One of my favorite things that I know about him is he enjoys whenever he's out. He truly loves all the thrilling fights, if not get the vibe, he instantly goes into a bad mood. Every poster I saw about him, always with his smile and never faded. That's why I was shocked when I saw his decision in Windara's arc. Finally, the man he always wanted to be, bravely giving it all in one v one fight. I'm so proud of him! T^T

His easygoing attitude reminds me of a certain hedgehog I knew hehe...both resemble the wind itself right? :] (I need to draw them in June)

Leading the Troublemaker trio is always fun to watch. And the fact that he looks at Hali as his role model is really cute! Despite him and Hali being the first two elements who had civil fights before, a bit sad these two are independent on their own from Galaxy onwards :'(

Gempa/Quake

Gempa got me confirmation that he is the leader of the elementals from the very first fight till now. I can see why he has the closest resemblance to Boboiboy himself (hence the hat position :] ).

To be fair, Gempa is the only elemental that I see no difference with Boboiboy. And with being one of the strongest elementals(with embedded two giant stone hands), he sure is a low-profile person and easily blends with other elementals. Now I know why he gets the title "Mama Gempa". He is unknowingly taking too much care of every elementals like a family ^^)' .

Even tho he's the last power to be introduced(in this trio) and sometimes people see him as a lone wolf in the group, he's natural at giving orders. The others actually listen to him and get scolded if they messed up! Like how parents do! X'D

How about the Temper Duo?

(Why monsta didn't put this dialog to Sori? :''(( )

How fitting the theme song of movie 2 titled Fire and water as well? Hehe.

Being the first two powers to be fused(the coolest name, "Frostfire" :} ), these two are what most people like to call "The polar opposites". The ones that used two hoodies in the youth era(except now only Ice wears it), the ones that had back-to-back introductions (exactly after Fire arrived, water showed up in the next episode, Galaxy season 1 also showcased the exact same pattern), the only two powers survived in movie 2, and even their own original masters lived in the same planet.

I'd say if these elementals do be brothers, these two were most likely born twins. (I know I may be late to this headcanon but hey why not? :/)

Blaze

The gremlin boi who got more screentime in sori than his partner. I absolutely adore this boy in Galaxy onwards. His wild and reckless traits are always the main attraction whenever I watch his combat style. I still think since season 3 and movie 1 He should've gotten a brass knuckle type as a weapon than the fire disc. He's a close combat brawler, right?

Anyway, he might be the one who hasn't changed much since his youth until now. In fact, I'd say he is a pretty consistent character from the start. Only gets wilder and cheekier to his fellow elementals tehee~. But that's the beauty of having a friend like Blaze. If done right, Blaze could shock you with his kindness and care deeply for others. Just like how he did with Duri once he accidentally broke Duri's plant in one of Boboiboy's official posts. (Sori ep 3 and comic made my day lmao)

Ais/Ice

If I can relate to one elemental, I choose Ice. He likes to eat yet is frightened to get fat like he did in his youth era; a very sleepy person; also an introverted person but he is confident when surrounded by his closest circle. And most of my friends are usually the Blaze type. So I can understand how to handle that person ^^)'

Ehem. Ice's first tier, Air/Water, got me confused at first. Mainly how he summons his power. Somehow Ice fixed that issue. Making his right arm purely made of ice is genius. My headcanon is every weapon or power he uses comes from his right arm. His cannon comes from his right arm, the same as the bow & arrow one. Even so, many scenes contradict that(Boboiboy is an ambidextrous guy).

Can I say I'm glad from Galaxy onwards he's a bit more open than in his youth era or just me? This doesn't count during the transition mode. All I see now is that he showed more emotions than Hali. (Also whoever decided Ice's tears become snowflakes, I salute you sir)

Last but not least! The Photosynthesis duo!

(I talk about this scene before but holy shit this scene is always mesmerizing to watch)

Duri and Solar were also made me adore them if not because of season 2 & Sori. Okay, I have to confess first to avoid misconception:

I was disappointed when Duri and Solar showed up in movie 1.

My selfish youth still took some time to get used to with Fire and Water in season 3. And all I think was negative reactions when Duri and Solar showed up. That's... also the reason why I went on hiatus.

Luckily, hence the word "was" I put it there.

I'm very grateful that they reset his watch back to start, so then they can at least make a proper debut with both Duri and Solar in Galaxy series. I much prefer that method. (That last episode was truly huge, I'm shocked they went that grand)

Therefore, Sori could continue to make the audience know better about these two! Pretty creative I'd say! I can see why the last three episodes are fan favorites. Me personally love eps 5 & 6.

Duri/Thorn

The most unique symbol to draw to, Duri truly shines in galaxy 2 comic and Sori. His debut in galaxy 1--oh wait, in Eid Fitri's short video after movie 1 made me confused with Taufan at first. Even though he's got more screen time than Solar, Duri still surprised people with the recent series. Who knew his childish and clumsy features could do unverbal damage to enemies by his words? Count me in! He might not do that to his friends and families, but he will delightedly do so with Solar :D

And thanks to Sori, I can now differentiate between Taufan and Duri more clearly. His design in Sori especially the last three is my fav. I love what Monsta did the effects on his arms. Since he doesn't has a signature weapon, they create a 2D flash-winded green leaf around his arm like a coil. That is a very cute detail for Duri.

A bit surprised when every elemental went to serious mode in Windara's arc, only Duri still managed to find fun in the battle. Heck even Taufan dropped his smile during that.

Solar

Being the trump card of the group, I can see why he is the last elemental to be introduced, both in movie 1 and galaxy series. The hardest one to obtain his 2nd tier that requires proper research and pure luck, Solar's traits are also what makes him interesting. To be honest I didn't expect his characteristic to be like this, at all. And somehow very matched with his design and attack as well. Every aspect is strangely in synch I'm astonished. (Adding a visor to his 2nd tier is uhh *chef's kiss B=) )

Also, I love that his attacks use his finger that's also kinda easter egg of the famous "Ray Gun!" shot attack from Yu Yu Hakusho(look it up, there's a live-action ver if you want to know the short ver of the series. The anime itself is legendary to all weebs out there).

Regardless of his limited screentime in every series. I'm very much grateful Monsta treats him equally. His timing in Sori is exceptional and his popularization bursting successfully. My only hope he didn't get cut in Windara and let all elementals showed up. When was the last time Boboiboy did that without splitting to 7?....

... Well if you count heptasplit part, the last time he did that was in Movie 1. That's 9 years ago.

Now we're done here? Nice! Onto the theory part in reblog!

[thessalian]

Thess vs Stalker Hunting

I've done my little bits of Horizon Forbidden West the last couple of days. There are issues about spoons, because work's a mess right now, but sometimes you just need to fuck up a bandit camp or two. Maybe dig up some greenshine. OR ... stalk the Stalkers. Literally.

Bandit camp. Poonk. Poonk. POONK. Nobody saw me. Nobody engaged. And again, one guy kept talking about how "she must have gone to lick her wounds" when a) nobody even fired a shot at me and b) EVERYONE ELSE WAS DEAD. Eh well. POONK.

So much climbing. So many near misses, close calls, and running around. But several outright slabs of greenshine so it's entirely worth it.

Ooh, hey, new form of Burrower. Hi, Burrower! ...Bye, Burrower. POONK

The Gouge is still kicking my ass. I got most of it, including the cluster, but the one remaining fucking fragment of greenshine is not worth Outlast-meets-Subnautica with fucking Burrowers. I get why you can't shoot them with an arrow underwater. But why, why can you not just stab them?

Look. Bellowbacks. Even if I am blowing you up, there should be some of your sac webbing intact enough for me to use to upgrade my weapons and armour! But no! Every time I kerboom you with a sac rupture, you deny me Bellowback Sac Webbing AND I AM FED UP WITH IT.

Time to take out my frustrations on another rebel camp. But lemme get some surrounding campfires first.

Yes, thank you, map, for finding me a route to the bandit camp by the paths. I would prefer not stroll through the front gate, thank you. So I will climb this mountain.

Ah. Here we are. Sharpshot booooooooooow ... GO.

I'm sorry. Three people just dropped dead in front of you, and you're now saying it was a false alarm?!? BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! ...Also POONK.

Okay, no one's alerted and I haven't seen anyone but they're still playing the tense music. Maybe because of people inside that bunker?

Definitely people inside that bunker. Oh, this is going to get stupid - shield and melee stupid. Time to improvise.

YOU ARE IN TIME OUT; GO STAND IN THE CORNER. Good! Perfect! Facing the corner like something out of Blair Witch! *WHACKSTABSTABSTAB*

And the other two did not come to your rescue. They will regret that. Shorter range Hunter bow. Poonk-poonk.

(Yeah, my draw speed on that's a little insane too.)

Huh. I guess these are where some of the weapons like the one that destroyed Verbena's forcefield were being developed. ...SYLENS. YOU. LIVING. SHIT.

I mean, I probably could take some of these schematics, but if Boomer ever got hold of them... Yeah, no. I will instead make a boom that she would be PROUD OF.

Okay, and it's still telling me that there's someone in this camp. BUT I SEE NO ONE. Stealthing stealthing stealthing...

...Oh. Right. The front door I avoided like the plague getting here. There is a lone sentry scouting the area, who apparently was not alerted because I cleared the place out so quickly and quietly. Ah well. Charger first, then HEADSHOT.

Okay, I'mma head out and get a few more-- Ooh, that says "unknown settlement", and it's in territory I'm going to need.

Thank you for the news about the rebel camps. At least one in your vicinity will not be a problem anymore, sir. (Kind of wish you had the option to tell them that.)

Right. Lemme do some trading and then see what I can upgrade.

...Not much. Not enough. Guess I'm going to have to go hunting Stalkers again.

Oop. BELLOWBACK CONVOY. DETOUR.

Right. Now lemme see if killing them without hitting the big sac in the back will get me what I need. ...ohthisisgonnahurt...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK--

(I did get way better at dodge-rolls, though. Just ... not quite better enough. Hence...)

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Right. Okay. That's enough for now. Surprisingly, Stalkers are going to be easier. So long as I'm careful about how I hit their stealth generators, since that's the part I'm after.

Approaching from a different angle and ... yeah. They really do climb now, the little fucks. Okay, that one I can see and... GONE. Tree-climbing little shit.

Huh. There's generally at least three in these areas. But the other two aren't coming out. Time to do the usual. Hide in bush ... then shoot proximity flare-mine.

Theeeeeeere you are. My vision is mostly shit but I can see your shimmer surprisingly well. POONK.

Right. Third one. Another proximity mine aaaaaaaaaand...

AW FUCK!

No, I mean, I got the Stalker, but ... there was a duck. I NEED DUCK BITS.

Heeeeeeeeeere ducky ducky ducky...

...fuck.

Well, I can at least upgrade and shop some-- Wait. Is that purple-grade Utaru infiltrator-type gear? GIMME!

Right. To upgrade it, I'm gonna neeeeeeed... Fuck.

Heeeeeeeeere, Stalker Stalker Stalker...

DUCK! Sorry; Duck first, then more Stalkers.

Okay. I can get this a little more upgraded now. For more, I'm going to neeeeeeed... Stalkers. AGAIN. Also ... oh fuck we get Scorchers back?!? AND I HAVE TO HUNT ONE?!? Fuuuuuck.

...However, I do see a Scorcher site not too far from here... And in the same vicinity as some greenshine and a rebel camp--

And I will think about that tomorrow or something.

Look. I know. I know. There is a main quest and I should be getting on with it. However, my play time is limited and my spoons more so. Also I can't decide on whether I want to go for AETHER or DEMETER first. I'm at level ... 49 now, I think? Not 50 but close, anyway. So level isn't an issue.

(See, you might ask how? But ... like ... I hunt constantly when on the move. And when you add up the various XP extras for stealth kills, head shots, weak point shots, etc? I get a lot of XP very quickly.)

Anyway, level's not an issue but what I get out of it is. On the one hand, I figure that DEMETER is probably the quest that will let me deal with those damn metal flowers. On the other hand, @true0neutral informs me that one's reward for dealing with AETHER involves a really spiffy Sharpshot bow? That can also shoot Tear arrows? Aaaaaaand I am conflicted. Heeeeeeelp.

[rozzi-splatter]

My mind is in ruins

Strange dreams with stranger thoughts, I don't feel like I am my body but more like something beyond existence. I'm aware of what this is and I know who to contact should this last longer or increase.

Next to that I feel success after seeing someone who was once ahead of me is now behind and was happy to tell me more about the place I left behind.

I call it karma, success. Someone is a criminal, a child abuser under the eyes of the law and others are apparently trapped and lonely. I even received an apology.

I deem myself a failure on occasions especially when I end up stuck with my thoughts and a mirror. I have to put a towel over the mirror when I'm in the bathroom. It ruins my mind but today was different.

I have a lot more going on than I realise. I'm writing books, I'm looking at writing work, I'm drawing again, I'm advancing in my music lessons and languages, I am creating and I am going further than the people who kicked me down. I have a lot to be proud of.

Despite all that there's still my little on going battle.

I dreamt I was having intercourse with someone in public. I can't remember if it hurt or if it felt good but I do remember the guy trying to be his kindest. I don't know who he is. Nameless. Faceless.

I woke up and it was all I could think about. Now my thoughts, my forbidden wants are invading my dreams and there's nothing I can do to stop it. There's too much about men that I enjoy.

There's this one particular account I enjoy looking at. He reminds me of an eighties lad. His hair is blonde, curly, looking like a mullet and he's muscular yet slim. It's a very gorgeous body type. At one point I saw an image where he posed with a large black bow in his hair and he was the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

I'm a sucker for the black bows in pretty blonde hair. Man or woman there's a sweetness to it. I see it and my mind is locked. I guess that's a way to get my attention. Blonde hair with a black bow.

Or leather. A beautiful man in tight leather trousers, hah.

I think next pay check I might actually spoil myself a little bit. I know the guilt will weigh in on my shoulders and I'll feel nothing but hate for myself but sometimes we just need to indulge on our guilty pleasures, don't we? I know my life expectancy. I'll enjoy it when I'm not beating myself up over my secrets.

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Hi! Hope you are doing good!

I was wondering if you could channel/pick up on details or information about my soulmate? I'm super curious to hear what you have to say 🐋❤️

Thank you so much, hope you have a lovely day!

Hi! I can see what comes up.

Yellow? The color yellow immediately came up. That’s tied to the solar plexus chakra. Then I heard “and it was all yellow.” Maybe your soulmate is into Coldplay or at least that song. Kinda a moody song. Maybe there’s a message for you there. Black leather, black hair, gelled, a bit of a bad boy vibe like angsty I think, maybe a bit rebellious.

Hi! I love you and the way you look in the light, stunning. Alls well that ends well with me. I just keep going about things, sometimes it’s a little empty but then I smoke a cigarette and move past it. I know it’s a bad habit but ehhh. Could be worse habits. I’m not really sure what I’m doing with my life. I hate my job and I just (frustrated feeling, fingers running through hair) I don’t know. (I feel sort of unfocused right now and just like lost sort of). I feel like I’m fucking this up. Us meeting, me being all I want to be, but here I am still going about the same day to day drudgery, I want to change, I guess I’m just in a holding pattern for now. I promise I’ll say how high when they say jump, but everything is silent now. I remind myself silence isn’t always sadness but it feels like it sometimes (something about parents and feeling lonely as a child). Anyway, there’s nothing too new with me. I’m proud of you though. Always. And I love you. From the depths of my soul. I’m sorry you have to wait on me to figure this shit out but I just don’t really know how, but I still have hope. So there’s that.

Okay very like ambivalent but optimistic energy. Nonchalance. Very like laid back but also stressed, maybe the cool vibe is a cover up or a coping mechanism. This soul mate feels very lost about how to take control and direction of their life. Lacking focus, direction. I wonder if you struggle with the same. I want to give you advice to help them but nothing is coming up and I almost feel like you can help by finding direction and taking action in your own life. Taking the reigns in your life will allow them to do the same. It empowers them, but more importantly it empowers you (head is tingling on this) I’m thinking spirit really wants you to stop looking outward and look inward. You need to spend a lot more time with yourself. Both of you do. Both of you need to figure out how you are behind the facade of everything being okay and holding it all together. Who are you really?

This message feels so random and all over the place (head tingling again) and just so scattered, like things and words coming to me scrambled. I’m gonna pull a card to see what spirit wants to clarify. I’m gonna pull a faerie card.

The cards did not want to come out and I think again it’s because the energy is so scattered and murky.

Hope— hope is always there, even if we can’t see it, optimistic expectations can help change a negative situation to a positive one.

I’m getting you both need to take control of your mindset to focus yourself. This card shows a faerie looking out at a rainbow. Maybe you need to shine and show your true colors and spend some time outside.

Light— the Fairy Queen of light comes to shed love and light onto your current situation and to remind you that light can penetrate the darkness.

Again the thought that comes up is that you are both sort of in darkness as in like don’t know where you’re going but that if you can shine your own light bright enough it will illuminate your path. Light, insight, can come to your mind when you declutter it from all the information coming at you.

I think try to do some meditations to train your mind to focus! Hope this helps.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: queerphobia, closeted, depression? disappointment (not with a person) i think that's it--

looking for: advice and comfort? i'm not sure lol

So this is kind of stupid, but I can't shake it. So I guess I need to talk it out or something. And I don't have anyone to ask about it.

I'm in the process of getting basketball shoes for my new season. And I'm closeted genderfluid, female presenting.

I'm one of like three (very closeted) queer kids at my school, so I don't get many gender variation options, you know?

I usually dress somewhat more masculine, but sometimes I really want to be feminine. It's that gender urge lol. Well I really wanted something feminine to bring on the court with me, a sort of comfort?

I got these really cool shoes that had a cool white design with purple and yellow accents. But it turned out it was the wrong size, and they didn't have them in my actual size. I had to get these shoes that are red and black.

I feel really lonely and heartbroken that I'm wearing these, and it's really stupid, but I feel really dysphoric even looking at them. Like, I know it's just shoes, but sports are important to me, and I feel sick just thinking about them? I don't know. I'm just so sad I can't be me, even quietly!! Can you help?

Hey there.

I am so sorry you are feeling that way. Dysphoria can be really terrible and I know how hard it can be.

Shoes may seem like a silly little thing to be upset about, but when you really think about it, you aren't actually upset about the shoes. You are upset about not being able to be yourself- like you said at the end of your ask. The shoes were a trigger for that feeling and a reminder of that ongoing struggle, but it isn't totally about the shoes. And even if it was 100% just about shoes, that is still valid. If it upsets you, then it is upsetting. feelings happen for so many reasons and we have to just take them as they come, no matter what the cause.

Overall, you are wrestling with some really serious and big feelings and it is okay to be overwhelmed by that. You are not alone in feeling this way either.

My first question is, can you alter the shoes that are the right size? Adding a decal, colored laces, or even painting them might help if that is something you are able to do.

Altering your appearance in an affirming way that isn't related to footwear might also help. Even if it is something small or hidden, like socks or underwear or an earring- if it makes you feel more euphoric, you should wear it if you are safe doing so. The same goes for listening to music that makes you feel euphoric. Being proud in creative (and quiet) ways can help a lot.

I really like a lot of the things mentioned in this link to help cope with dysphoric feelings, so you might want to try some of that out. I also want to say that it is okay to just sit with those negative feelings for a bit too and give them a place to exist. If your dysphoria gets too intense and you feel that you are a danger to yourself in any way, please call a crisis line or emergency number (this one operates for trans folks in the US and Canada).

But most of all, I want you to know that you will be okay. You will get through this and find your place both within your own body and within the larger community. If you are willing and able to access any LGBT support services at your school or in the area you live, I suggest doing that too. It can help remind you that you are not alone. But no matter what, you are you at the end of the day. Nothing you wear or do, and nothing anyone else says or thinks will make you less of who you are.

Hang in there.

Mod Emmett

[aromantic-official]

idk if im aro or not but im 15 and pretty sure ive never had a crush. I think Ive tried to force romantic attraction on myself but have to some extent accepted that im not regular in that way. idk what to do because i feel like unless there is some solid piece of evidence telling me that i'm whatever orientation I am i wont ever identify with anything. the closer i get to coming to terms with the fact that i might be aro the more it scares me. idk what to do i feel like im being left behind

Hi there anon! I was unsure about answering this ask myself at first, as it’s been some time since I’ve been your age. I thought I might leave it to one of the younger mods. I was your age, though, when I realized I was aro, and although at first it was something like a relief, that was just a calm before a storm, like the way the ocean recedes before a tsunami, or the empty space between a lightning strike and the thunder that follows. As I began to come to terms with what being aromantic really meant in the context of my life, and how different I was from my peers, I was scared, for a really long time. Accepting my aromanticism without shame is something I am still working on, but as the years have gone by, things have gotten better.

So, as someone who has been in your shoes before and has come out on the other side, I decided to give you some advice:

First, there’s nothing wrong with being aromantic. I know that you know this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded. It’s okay to be different. Romantic attraction is not a requirement for happiness or for being a person worthy of dignity and respect. You were born as a complete person and being aromantic can never change that. It is just a part of you; however important you decide to make it is up to you and what makes you feel happy and proud of who you are.

Second, it’s okay to be scared. Sometimes, especially when it comes to discovering or questioning a part of our identity, we feel like we have to be proud and embrace who we are, and fast, or else we’re doing something wrong–because we know it’s okay to be who we are, and other people seem so proud of it, so why aren’t we? But it’s normal to be scared. A lot of us who seem so comfortable in our identities now were scared, or still are scared now. Self-discovery can be a very scary personal journey, and that’s okay!

Finally, you will never be left behind. It may feel like when everyone else is getting into romantic relationships and talking about romance all the time, everyone is moving on without you. I felt like that a lot as a teenager, and I still feel that way quite often, worrying about what my life will look like if all my friends get married and I don’t. For me, it’s the fear of being lonely. And there are no magic words I can say that will make the feeling of being left behind go away. But there is no one path forward, and although romance is treated like a rite of passage, it shouldn’t be. Not experiencing romantic attraction doesn’t mean you’re falling behind; your experience of life is just different from those around you, and that’s okay. What we have to try to understand is that because the aromantic experience so often differs heavily from what is considered “normal,” sometimes we have to work a little bit harder than other people to find “our people,” the ones we can count on to accept us and stay by our sides, as well as our place in the world.

I encourage you not to settle for people in your life who don’t honor your feelings, and to try building a new vision of who you want to be that doesn’t depend on what other people are doing, and pursue it proudly. Maybe it’s a career you’d like to have, or a place where you’d like to live one day, or a hobby or skill you want to become good at, or a personal quality you’d like to work at. It may seem unhelpful, especially if you’re someone like me who really needs other people, but it helps to start living your life for you, and not just in the shadow of your alloromantic peers.

This became much longer than I intended, but I guess this is just me being old and wanting to tell younger aros what I needed to hear when I was a kid. Accepting that you may be aromantic is a really personal thing, and I don’t have an easy fix-it for you. It takes time, self-love, and community. Luckily for you, you have all the time in the world and a supportive community here behind you. The rest, anon, is up to you.

- Mod Techno

[shiro-0197]

You? Disappoint me? As if!! omg— you could do LITERALLY anything, and I'd still be so proud of of you😭😭

the coordination tho ksndksnsn very very impressive on their part, HAHA. I'm involved in a ton of groupchats on whatsapp, so I low-key just mute everything and get stressed whenever I check it 😃🔫 so I've found a better way with dealing with all of that— by ignoring the app entirely and pretending it doesn't exist 🎉🎉🎉🎊

😔she's having a great time with her cousins, im so jealous I wish I had a functional extended family :D oops sorry XD but noooo wdym you always keep me company anyways, whether she's here or not, and I look forward to your messages, whether I'm busy or lonely. My love for you is one of those things that'll never change.

OMG BAE YOU ASKED FOR A HUG THIS IS A CODE RED *HUGS YOU TIGHTLY AND NEVER LETS GO* :DDDDDD pls smile I'm virtually hugging you—

😔sorry luv, can't help you there, he seems to talk like a Jedi, so the force must be with him— and who am I to go against minors on the internet who hold cute adorable guys hostage anyways? 🤷😝💖 Oh he sounds psycho :O I'll probably watch it after money heist!! YEAH angel recommended sweet home to me too. She said it was my "quarantine homework" and that I had to "watch it before school starts, or she'd disown me and burn our friendship" or something like that😾 our friends are very "passionate" about their movie recommendations, huh?

snow 😭😭 if I ever experience it in another country, I'll do the same.

YES!! there's four seasons rn tho, so best of luck to the both of you xx

That's one of the sweetest things, I'm glad you think of me :) I think of you before going on walks too, since you love going on them. Oops okie dokes 😭 not dumb then— I'm just shy in general LEAVE ME ALONE I GET FLUSTERED SOMETIMES. no don't leave me alone ilu

awww it's okay!! I understand, tho I did miss you :D 💖💖💖 I'm gonna sleep now too, and probably start studying in the morning >.< I hope you sleep well, my love. And have the sweetest dreams. You deserve it, and I hope tomorrow goes wonderfully for you. I love you so so so very much!!

—miss. i'll-build-a-tiny-snowman-someday-for-you :D

Ahah, well, the same goes for you!! You can trip and I'll say "how graceful😍" unironically and I'll help you stand up too dw💕💕

Ehh same, my classmates are stupid edgelords and even though I love them, I hate them😐 but yeah some stuff they joke around about kind of brings me down, so I ignore them mostly and never write in the chat, unless I wanna help them cheat XD cuz I'm generous like that and wanna watch them crumble down on an actual exam- I mean uh

Me too, I really never even try making contact with any of my extended family members, they're too, uh... yeah:// so I understand. It makes me happy hearing that though, I'm glad<33

*happiness* boo hoo I am trapped what shall I do ... *does nothing except hug you back* TRUST ME I AM SMILING THIS IS ALL I WANT😭😩😩💞💞

How could you, you have betrayed me😭😭 but I guess youre right, the young boy is too powerful~ Yeah he kinda is a psycho, but hes a nice guy kinda I guess, and hes the manager of a book store, too, which is 😍. Woah there, Angel is a bit extreme, ey? xDD That's actually so funny I'm--

AHAHAH FOUR SEASONS NOOO THATS GONNA BE A COMPETITION THEN😭😭 I'll do my best to win this time I guess😩😭 (oh this is weird out of context, me and Kuro have binging competitions sometimes if the show has more than 20 episodes XD)

Awhh that's so sweet😭💘 Heheh understandable, dont worry, I find shy people cute^^ I'm not leaving you any time soon sunshine 😡💘💘

I missed you too😭😭 I really hope you sleep well tonight, tomorrow is Monday again🙄 I hope it goes well for you!! I love you a lot, thank you for your messages, and I'll say it again, I love you so, so much!!!