#I'm using 'you' in the broad sense this isn't directed at a single person by any means btw

[lightningfilledsaber]

Man I'm just at the point where like. I can't. anymore. lmfao. There's absolutely no fucking nuance in the kink community. I can't stand it. Cannot trust a single fucking person because half of them think that anything but the more "mainstream" aspects of kink and fetish make you completely morally bankrupt while the other half genuinely believe everything goes as long as there's no "real" situations/kids/family/etc etc involved. For fuck's sake. I'm into hardcore shit and I recognize and practice that even things I'm personally uncomfortable with aren't inherently harmful. But that doesn't fucking mean there isn't a LINE. The reason these spaces, like any space for minority, marginalized, etc etc communities, are safe is because there is a level of gatekeeping. All "radical acceptance" does is permit actual abusers and REAL HARM into places that are SUPPOSED TO BE safe. In pursuit of harm reduction and destigmatization, we've been letting the line fucking deteriorate. You'd think for communities full of MINORITIES we'd collectively understand that the "majority opinion" is not necessarily going to be the best or least harmful one. JUST "no REAL __" is not gonna fucking cut it. I've been wanting to write an honest to god essay about this for the longest time but the more I see people stop giving a shit the more hopeless and fucking TIRED I become. There are some things that shouldn't HAVE to be explained for people to understand is fucking WRONG. We can all collectively understand this but somehow people stop giving a shit when it comes to confronting it about themselves and the things they've allowed themselves to become complacent with. "This is wrong" is not automatically fucking puritan """thought crime""" rhetoric JUST AS "this isn't wrong" is not automatically fucking ""evil depraved abuser"" shit. Come the fuck ON man. Not a single fucking one of you gives a shit about harm reduction OR survivors, whether it be on the anti OR pro kink end, and it fucking SUCKS because I refuse to be equated to the kink equivalent of a fucking centrist for trying to keep my own fucking community SAFE and SANE.

[anxiousgayseeksvalidation]

Date Night

Buck has never had a hard time getting in the mood. He's a physically affectionate person, likes sex, and specifically likes sex with Eddie. And here on Eddie's couch, the dark-haired man's hands in his hair, pressing into the nape of his neck, lips ghosting over the shell of his ear, trailing down to suck lightly at that sweet spot just under Buck's jaw--Buck should be in Heaven. And he is! But...

Eddie huffs and pulls back, sensing that Buck's mind is staring to wander, which he tries not to be insulted by.

"Buck. I told you, Chris is in his room, hopefully doing homework but probably online playing a video game with his friends. He's been fed. He's been bathed. He knows snacks are done for the night. He won't come in here."

Buck glances in the direction of the boy's room nervously. He was still getting used to this--maintaining an intimate romantic relationship while parenting a child. When Chris is gone, or when just Eddie comes over to Buck's place, it's much easier to compartmentalize. And when they're all three out together, Buck loves holding Eddie's hand or exchanging chaste, brief PDA's. But reconciling the more intimate and overt parts of their relationship with being in "Dad-mode", and making them exist together in the same space, well...Buck's still working on that.

"Are you SURE, though?! What if he, like, sees something?" Buck asks anxiously, mortified at the thought.

Eddie runs his hand down the side of Buck's face. "Baby, he knows we're dating. He knows what that means. He knows we kiss, he knows couples do more than that--"

"He DOES?!" Buck exclaims, feeling suddenly forlorn by the idea of Chris being old enough to know about these things.

Eddie rolls his eyes affectionately. "Yes, mi amor. Chris isn't a little kid anymore. He knows what I meant when I said you and I were going to hang out in here for some alone time together after dinner and after you and him got some play-time in. Having a kid means working around them, but also recognizing that we can't just not be a couple when he's home. We'd never be together, otherwise. Trust me, I have years of experience with this. Besides, we're not going to bang in the living room with our son in the house; I'm just trying to enjoy some of this before we take it to the bedroom."

At that, Eddie leans in, captures Buck's bottom lip between his, teeth scraping gently. Buck's throat involuntarily emits a low whine, and he lets his eyes flutter shut. Eddie's hands change direction and are now exploring the broad expanse of Buck's strong shoulders and taut chest and stomach muscles. There's soft music playing, the room is dimly lit with some candles for ambiance, Eddie is wearing Buck's favorite cologne, and Buck makes himself get back into the sensuality of the moment. Buck tilts his head back to deepen the kiss, and Eddie breaks it only to latch onto Buck's neck. Buck feels himself being nudged onto his back, and he lets it happen, his arms now wrapping around Eddie as the older man settles onto him. God, he's even more handsome in this lighting, Buck internally remarks as Eddie leans up, his brawny, fit thighs straddling Buck's hips. Eddie smirks, and Buck's eyes go half-lidded as Eddie unbuttons the top buttons of the dark blue dress-shirt he looks so damn good in. Missing the close contact of his body, Buck impulsively yanks Eddie back down into a searing kiss. Okay, yeah, Buck's starting to maybe relax now. There's no more blood rushing to his head, it's all heading to a single pressure-point that's quickly making itself known, and they may need to migrate to some privacy quicker than Eddie thought--

"Uh, Dad?"

Record-scratch sound-effects in Buck's brain as everything comes to a screeching halt. He removes his hands from Eddie like the man is on fire. Eddie sighs, straightens his shirt, and very reluctantly sits up again.

"Yeah, bud?" Eddie responds patiently. There's not a hint of frustration in his voice or the frazzled "we've been caught" panic that's seizing Buck. Buck is relieved to realize that Chris has not actually come in there to find his parents in a heated make-out session.

"I have a headache."

Eddie nods, giving Buck an apologetic look as he swings one leg over to stand up. Buck immediately misses the contact, his body going cold where Eddie's hands had been. But, he jumps up too, ready to jump in and help with Christopher if needed.

"I'm gonna get him some Tylenol and water, and get him in bed. It's too late for him to be up on that game anyway," he mumbles to Buck.

"You think maybe your headache is from not wearing your glasses as much as you're supposed to, or staring at the TV for too long?" Eddie calls out to Christopher in a mostly teasing tone as he walks into the kitchen and grabs a glass out of the cupboard. Buck leans against the doorframe and watches him, a soft smile on his face. His blood still runs warm with desire, but there's something so comfortingly domestic about this whole scene, so intimate in a different way that makes Buck's heart burst. He runs a hand through his hair.

"So, uh, raincheck?" Buck asks breezily.

Eddie stops and looks at Buck, blinking in confusion. "Why? I'm just going to bring the kid some medicine and get him tucked in. Won't take but five minutes."

Buck freezes, wide-eyed. "Uhh, are you serious??"

Eddie laughs. "Buck, like I said, we don't have to abandon everything every time we get interrupted or when we're reminded there's a kid in the house. He's going to be here most of the time, we just gotta get used to it being a thing and work around it accordingly."

Buck worries his bottom lip between his teeth. Eddie eyes him.

"But...I've had plenty of practice navigating parenting and having a social and dating life. You haven't. So, if you need more time, and just want to cool it tonight, we absolutely can. You know I'm happy to just be with you. However..." Eddie saunters up to Buck, ocean-blue eyes flickering over the slightly taller man's form.

"...if you want to finish what we started, why don't you go wait for me in the bedroom, hmm?" Eddie whispers, sultry, next to Buck's ear. Buck swallows, and just like that, his heart is racing in his chest again. Eddie punctuates his point with a wink and a quick, suggestive smack to Buck's ass. Buck watches him head to Chris's room, fluidly and easily switching from sexy and seductive to kind, attentive Dad. Buck can hear him fussing over his son, can picture Eddie ruffling Chris's hair affectionately.

Buck takes two lit candles from the living room to Eddie's room and blows out the rest. When Eddie comes back, he's greeted with the sight of Buck reclining on the bed, jeans button undone, shirt off, gazing at Eddie through half-lidded eyes. Eddie takes a second to appreciate the picture before him, but Buck gives him no more than that second.

"Well? This was your idea. What are you waiting for?"

Eddie grins and pounces, and yeah, Buck has decided to just go ahead and get used to this.

[winterabrams]

writing 02: helloo! here is a short scene/fanfic that i wrote about Bucky. even though it isn't in the format i usually write, i thought i would post it, anyway! i'm trying to get comfortable with posting my writing here. keep in mind: my fmc default name is jane. it's not based on anyone, i just enjoy using the name.

there are no trigger warnings, other than men being idiots!

side note: i haven't exactly proofread this scene, since i just wanted to get it done and publish it here! in the future, i will obviously go over it and read/proofread to make it better. happy reading + please don't steal my work.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

You and Bucky have been working together for months. You’d just barely gotten used to his whiskey gaze and silent agreements when you were assigned together.

You’d been running from your ex, who’d been chasing you around the building for the last few minutes.

Bucky’s hand gripped your arm, steadying you as you bumped into his broad chest. He didn’t say anything, as usual, but an idea suddenly popped into your head.

You whispered a raspy, “Please for the love of God, play along,” before pressing your mouth to his.

He was initially shocked—obviously—but after a few seconds, and much to your astonishment, he leaned into it. The fingers of his left hand tangled in your hair, while those on his right melded into your hip, tugging you closer.

You fully expected him to push you away, or worse, speed in the opposite direction before you had the chance to kiss him. Which is why you’re filled with a sense of shock that not only is he not pushing you away, but he’s kissing you back.

You’re aware of the extra presence in the room, but it doesn’t register who it could possibly be. Not until you hear the clearing of a throat and pull away from Bucky’s warmth. You stand in front of him, looking at the person who had just entered the room. It was your ex, whom you had forgotten was chasing you in the first place. After all, how were you supposed to remember that when Bucky Barnes, the office grump, had practically melted when you kissed him?

“Javier,” you speak, your voice a pathetic form of shakiness. “I didn’t notice…” You stop midsentence. Were you supposed to say that you didn’t notice him? After you had run from him for the past few minutes? “Um, I don’t think you’ve met my boyfriend.”

His eyes widened briefly, but you went on, regardless.

“Javier, this is Bucky. Bucky, Javier.”

You nearly jump out of your skin when you feel Bucky’s arm encircle your waist, pulling you directly against his chest.

“You’re joking,” Javier scoffs. “You’re dating him? Seriously? This is a joke, right?”

“I’m not joking.”

“So, what, you expect me to believe that you left me for this convicted murderer?”

You can feel Bucky tensing up behind you. The words that tumble out of your mouth as rushed.

“That’s not true!”

“Come on, babe. You’ve seen the news stories. He’s a killer.”

You cringed at him calling you babe. The two of you have been broken up for months, but suddenly the girl that he cheated on you with decides she doesn’t want to be in that relationship anymore and he comes running back to you? No, he chases you around your place of work, without a single doubt that you don’t want him back.

“He was brainwashed by HYDRA. None of what he did was his doing.”

Bucky’s thumb circles around your hip and you nearly fall back against him. Who needs working legs, anyway?

“You don’t seriously believe that, do you?” Javier interrupts. “Oh, you do. You actually believe that.” His head tilts mockingly. “He’s a serial killer and you’re making excuses for him. That’s pathetic.”

“What’s pathetic,” Bucky pipes up, “is the fact you had to chase a woman down to be with you.”

“I didn’t chase her down,” Javier retorts, but his voice sounds shakier than when he was speaking to you. “Jane and I are meant to be together. We just hit a little bump in the road of our relationship.”

“We didn’t hit a bump! You cheated on me!”

“Details, details,” he dismissed.

“Nevermind the fact that you sound like a psychopath, Jane is taken. She’s dating someone. Me. I suggest you take several steps back, find your way out of the building, and never contact her again.”

“I don’t have to listen to you,” Javier scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.

Bucky steps in front of you, making sure that you’re staying behind him before advancing on your former boyfriend. Said ex-boyfriend steps back immediately, cowering in fear of the man in front of him.

“You’re right. You don’t. But you’ve seen what I can do. You’re a smart man, aren’t you, Javier? Get out of this building and never bother Jane again.”

“This is a-absurd! She can’t possibly be dating you.”

“Why not?”

“You’re a freak!”

You step in front of Bucky, protectively. “He’s not a freak. He’s better than you in every way.”

Javier scoffs in disbelief. “Yeah, right.”

“Goodbye, Javi.”

Your ex looks like he wants to fire something back, but then he notices the look in Bucky’s eyes. If looks could kill, Javier Perez would be six feet in the ground.

He stumbles out of the room, towards the stairwell and exits the building.

“Thank you,” you breathed, stepping back and looking up at the man that has saved you hours upon hours of hounding from your ex.

Bucky nodded in response, brushing over his suit, getting rid of all the remaining crinkles in the fabric.

“Um, well, I should get back to work.”

Bucky grunted as a response, watching you as you walked back to your cubicle and finished your work for the day.

[littlespoonevan]

this is definitely not a dig at you Ciara, it's just something I have to let it out because it's driving me up to walls..what is this fandom's, I am gonna say unnecessary, coolness towards the show? I truly don't get it why they won't let people to be angry about anything happening on the show? If someone says something, people are jumping on each other's throats by posting some condescending shit. like? the couch theory shouldn't end like that. It doesn't make sense when you consider the progress buck had in this season but apparently we are not allowed to have opinions because then some popular blog will post something degrading our opinions by using 'jokes' and their mutuals gonna join and make us feel like shit. I get that they are calm and collected but who gives them to right to mock other people's opinions? I am sorry I'm doing this in here like this. It's been bothering me for awhile now and I just wanted to let it out. I'm sorry and thank you

mm i get where you're coming from! i think the fandom in general can tend to veer quite strongly in opposite directions when it comes to stuff that happens on the show. some people will immediately catastrophise and act like the show has royally fucked us all over bc of one scene when the season (or in this case, the show itself) isn't over. and then on the other hand - and maybe in response to that - other people can tend to jump through hoops to explain away and rationalise every single decision the show makes.

to be honest, i'm not a fan of either option. i think it's actually really important to be able to just say 'i personally don't like this storyline' and not need a deeper meaning for it???? like for me, as far as the couch theory is concerned, i'm not happy with where it ended up in 6x18. even removing buddie from the equation and just speaking as someone who's very dedicated to buck's seasons-long romantic arc and quest for genuine love, i'm not happy. it's not satisfying to me. it's nothing to do with natalia. i don't know enough about natalia to have an opinion and like. that's the problem??? it's a disservice to the work that's been put into arc not just in s6 but also everything since s2. and sure maybe it's bc they thought the show might end so they wanted to wrap it up. and sure they'll probably walk it back in s7. doesn't matter. i don't like it.

and that's fine!!!!! i'll write my own version if it bothers me that much (though tbh real life is so busy right now i can't spare much headspace for all of this lmao) i've watched a million shows that have made decisions i don't agree with. the fact that that's quite a rare occurrence with 911 is actually an anomaly in and of itself aksdjfh.

i'm not in the business of putting down other blogs and i would imagine a lot of the people you're referring to get far more asks than they ever actually answer that are extremely negative (and potentially see more negativity on their dashboard too if they follow a broad range of people??). and so as a result, maybe they make posts that feel dismissive bc they're fed up of that reaction??? having said that, you're absolutely entitled to feel what you feel and shouldn't feel guilty for expressing that on your own blog.

overall though i think we'd all fair a lot better if we just tag our shit so people can blacklist as necessary and let ourselves not like things sometimes?????????? none of us need an explanation, just saying 'this isn't where i thought this storyline would end up and i'm disappointed' is more than enough. and from my own experience, allowing myself to have thoughts like that and sitting with them for a sec before reading/writing some fic is usually all i need to feel better in the end!

[kickindev]

Greetings, how are ya? I was wondering how you went about Aggroha's creation and what her personality is like.. She clearly enjoys fighting, but is it her great obsession or does she have room for any hobbies?

Woah, an ask! I'm doing great, thank you for asking and for paying my blog a visit! Okay, so to explain Aggroha's inception I'll need to explain a couple of things, because it's hard to talk about how I came up with creating Aggroha without also talking about Paahul. This is gonna probably be a longer read than you were expecting with these questions, but it's a fun thing to talk about! So here goes. Firstly, the setting that this game takes place in started as a personal setting I run tabletop games in. While I'm not a programmer by trade, I'm an avid tabletop GM and homebrewer, so using my pre-existing setting also as the setting for this game made sense to me, so that did a lot to limit species selection. You wouldn't be able to find any information on my setting without a lot of digging, so I've included the general species lineup for it here. I didn't want to have the player occupy any of the super tall or super short races because that would create gameplay problems and would limit opponent diversity because it'd be really hard to make a boxing game where an Eolian fights a Fonin (the unlabelled, tiny otter race on the far left of the screen) The three races I singled out for the player character ended up being Tor'cha, Chortin, and Bahaa as a result. Of the three, Chortin and Bahaa presented the most interesting possibilities for gameplay, particularly Bahaa, because in-universe every member of that species has some sort of capability to see the dead. I didn't end up going with that though! This may seem like kind of a basic thing to get stuck up on, but I had trouble deciding between two character ideas that were swirling around in my head. The first was for an aggressive Chortin fighter who fights primarily for money/the survival of their family and the second was for kinda a lovable loser of a Bahaa who fights more for fun, to make friends, and to better themself. Both of these seemed like compelling directions to take a player character in, with different strong motivations to stick around in a fighting league. In the end, I couldn't decide upon two things: The first were the sexes of the two characters, and the second was which one of them should actually be the player character. I ended up settling it with two coin flips. The result was that the Bahaa would be male and the Chortin female... And that the Chortin would be the player character and the Bahaa would be their rival. At first, I actually got a lot of anxiety about this result because I wasn't sure if people would enjoy playing a fighting game with a female main character, but as I worked more on the project and solidified the design of both characters that anxiety sort of melted away. It also helped when I realized that no matter what the result was going to be the player would spend most of the game seeing them from behind, so even if players didn't like the idea of a female fighting character they'd be seeing them from a fixed perspective where there wouldn't be much of a difference if you swapped their sex anyway. So that's where not only Aggroha, but also Paahul's general design comes from- I had two vague ideas about broad character archetypes to go with and I left it to coinflips to settle the particulars I got stuck on. Now, as for Aggroha herself: Aggroha's personality is, unsurprisingly, very direct and somewhat aggressive. She's very to-the-point, prefers simple solutions to problems, and generally she's not very patient. That being said, she isn't short-tempered, and while she isn't the smartest around, she does have a quick wit that lends her to occasionally try to make wisecracks that don't quite make sense. Socially, she's willing to lock horns with or fight others about things she's passionate with, and while she doesn't intentionally try to create drama she will absolutely get in verbal (and physical) brawls to defend things she has an interest in. As a general rule, she's confident and confrontational, although not particularly charismatic.

The funny thing though is that her relationship with fighting is more of a business relationship than anything else-- She's a single parent with at least one other mouth she has to feed. That takes up most of her time outside of the ring, so unfortunately aside from being able to whoop some serious ass she doesn't have that many marketable skills or hobbies, and she comes from a lower-class background. That's not to say she doesn't have potential- She's a quick-learner and is amazing at pattern recognition, but she just doesn't have the spare time to dedicate to other things. She takes more pride in the fact that she's good at what she does moreso than the actual occupation, if that makes sense. She does care about her legacy in the sense that she would like to take her run in the ring as far as she can push it because it would make for a good story, but actually having and keeping the champion's title isn't what drives her to fight.

[living-for-fiction]

Had to forcibly take myself off Twitter for the night because I keep seeing the most rancid takes about this woman who posted about being bisexual and heteroromantic. Just all the war flashbacks to ace discourse (you know, just the exact same bullshit ppl would throw at aces and aros, reskinned to apply more specifically to this woman's personal split attraction). Like JFC. If "I'm sexually attracted to and have sex with women, but I am only romantically interested in men" reads as "I view women as sex objects and treat them as sex toys" well, that's a you problem. I've said it a billion fucking times, but if the only thing keeping you from treating people you're sexually attracted to as sex objects is your romantic interest in them, that's a you problem. This woman said NOTHING about treating women as sex objects. Nothing to indicate that she doesn't value women as people, have friendships with other women, etc. So many fucking flashbacks to the neverending accusations that aros are sexual predators, aros just use people for sex, aros lead people on to get sex, etc. etc. etc. it's the exact same rhetoric reskinned to attack other users of the split attraction model. Oh sure there were a few cutesy little "this isn't about aromantics" comments thrown in on a few of those takes, but it's the same rhetoric, y'all accused us of the same horrendous attitudes you're ascribing to this women based on no information other than her sexual and romantic orientations, and there is absolutely no functional difference when your problem with her is that she's sexually, but not romantically, interested in women.

Ace/aro discourse has died down enough that it's been a hot minute since I've seen that rhetoric. I forgot how hard it hits and hor badly it affects me. I'm still in fight or flight mode hours later. I called L to talk about it and tried to calm down; but she never actually saw the ace discourse shit when it was happening (she runs in different online spaces) so she really only knows about it through me, so I had to give kind of a rundown about what exactly I saw that was triggering and why it was triggering. Not that I had to explain why the rhetoric itself was triggering - she thinks it's the stupidest fucking thing to try to kick aces, aros, and other people who use the SAM out of the community and it doesn't make any sense to her why we WOULDN'T be considered queer - but having to explain the specific shit people have been saying about this women, and how the rhetoric lines up exactly with the shit I used to see people saying about aros literally every day... Talking to her still helped, but it was also rough to have to explain. Because for people who weren't exposed to bullshit exclusionist rhetoric, it's the STUPIDEST fucking thing in the world, how could anyone possibly think that? So I also kind of had to explain how people came to exclusionist conclusions, which was its own kind of twist of the knife. (Not her fault, of course.)

So yeah, that's been... fun. I was winding down to sleep when I ran across this, and that was a few hours ago. Now I'm still wired, heart is racing, feel sick, can't concentrate... fuck, how did I live like this for a solid 4 years? This wasn't even directed at ME. But the rhetoric is the same. The arguments use the same framework, reskinned. I know absolutely nothing about this woman other than the one thread she posted. Hell,, she personally actually COULD be someone who uses women for sex and views them as sex objects because she's not romantically attracted to them! I wouldn't know! Somehow I doubt it, but I suppose it's technically possible! But that sort of broad-brush rhetoric catches every single person who uses the split attraction model, and fuck, it's been a while since I've been triggered this badly. Scaring the shit out of my dog, who's picking up on my emotions and tried to turn herself into a weighted blanket in response, because she is a very good girl and she can tell how rattled I am. Girlfriend is very worried about me because she knows how much this shit destroyed my mental health the first time, even though she didn't know me back then.

So yeah. What a fucking night.

[secret-kpoplibrary]

Bewitched

Pairing: Single dad Seokjin x Witch Reader (strangers to lovers)

Word Count: 5.7k

Warnings: degradation, oral (m, f receiving), unprotected sex (be safe kids), creampie, praise kink on 200, overstimulation, there's a forced orgasm in there too

Genre: Smut, fluff, a liiiiiittle bit of angst

Summary: He came to you looking for a cure for his son- less than half an hour together and he was so captivated he had to return-

A/N: This isn't edited - I've been trying to finish it for like 2 weeks- I feel like I don't write enough about my mans Jin so enjooooy

***

You're in your workspace doing some potion logging when it happens. You sense the man before he's even knocked on your door and wave your hand to open it for him.

"Come in." You tell him. You take clients in what, from the outside looks like your average cabin in the woods, but the interior, to those that you allow to see it- is stocked with everything a witch could need.

"How did you-"

"A good witch sees with more than just her eyes, Jin." You cut him off with a shrug.

"You- you know my name." He says with a frown.

"More than my eyes." You wink over your shoulder from where you're seated. You only glanced at him for a moment, but you would have to be blind not to notice how attractive he is. He's tall with a slim build, broad shoulders, and a face fit for a prince. His hair is dark and styled back neatly.

"Then you must know what I'm here for." He says.

"I do, but do you?" You ask appearing beside him to ask the question. He jumps, turning to face you only to find you've returned to your original sitting on the other side of your cauldron.

"Well, yes- of course I do. I need your help-"

"That's why people tend to come to me- yes."

"I'm sorry-"

"No need to apologize, I offer to help people Jin, but only certain people." You stand turning to face your cauldron.

"Does this mean you will help me?" He asks.

"If I didn't want to help you, you wouldn't be here. Now tell me what it is you need my help with."

"I- well, it's my son. He's sick and he's not getting any better. I-" Jin's sentence trails off.

"You fear modern medicine will fail the child." You finish, your eyes sift through your different ingredients, pouring and throwing various items into your cauldron. Jin watches in awe as unlabeled bottles float all around the room flying off shelves at the flick of your wrist and returning just as easily.

"I fear it already has. We lost his mother to the same illness last year, if medicine couldn't save her I- I can't risk losing my son too." He says somberly.

"I see, tell me about your son." You say. You barely look at him as you listen to him speak while silently directing items in the room like a conductor- sure and unhurried are your movements, as miscellaneous items float over to you without you even glancing over your shoulder.

"Well he-he's very smart. Inquisitive too. He loves asking questions and reading. He used to talk all the time- and he had so much energy before- he's the light of my life really. Wouldn't trade him for anything in this world." Jin says. You can hear the fondness in his voice even without looking at him.

"I wish you'd have brought him." You say with a hum.

"W-why-?" Jin asks- suddenly apprehensive. What could you want with his son"

"It's easier to assess a problem if the person suffering is here." You shrug and his shoulders relax- you smirk slightly to yourself at his behavior. He's come to you for help, but like most, he fears you or rather, what you're capable of.

"Oh- I- I wasn't sure he'd make the trip here and back. I uh- I thought it was too dangerous." He said. You take an empty potion bottle and dunk it into your cauldron before capping the bottle.

"No matter. Here. Give this to your son and he shall make a full recovery." You say handing him the potion.

"Wait just like that-?" He looks at you incredulously.

"Do you doubt me?" You ask with a sly smile. This is the first moment Jin has managed to get a good look at your face. Your smile alone is captivating but your eyes twinkle with something akin to mischief that he wishes to find out more about. He finds himself pausing for a moment that feels too long to you who waits for his response. You clear your throat and he blinks back to reality.

"No! I'm sorry. I don't doubt you. Thank you. How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Simply take good care of your son and continue with the grace you carry now."

"I can't take this for nothing!"

"You can and you will. Now hurry back to your son so he can get better. Don't dilly dally or it will be too late." You say whisking him out of your office and shutting the door behind him. He frowns at the door but starts his journey back the way he came.

***

That was two years ago.

You've seen easily over a hundred other people since that one afternoon but none of your clients stuck with you quite the way Jin has. The way his eyes searched yours that day as though he wanted to uncover every detail about you is seared into your memory. Those eyes appearing in your dreams- staring into your soul so intensely you're left as rattled as you were in person.

Meanwhile for Jin the last two years have been an affliction to say the least. You've completely consumed his dreams. Your interaction was less than half an hour and yet he's enraptured beyond his understanding. At first he wondered if you had done a spell on him, but after two years he found that to be a ridiculous conclusion.

Today he's decided he wants to get to the bottom of this enamor he's feeling. It's not until he's almost reached you that he realizes he has no idea how to handle this situation. He has no reason to see you, he simply wanted to. Would you know why he came? Would you even see him? It's too late for him to turn back now.

You're sat at a desk when you sense him coming up to your cabin and your head snaps up. He's back? Why? You choose this time to wait for him to knock before opening the door.

"Uh- hello." He says.

"Jin- what brings you here?" You ask ushering him into the cabin.

"You remember me." He says.

"Yes. I remember all of my clients. How is your son?" You ask him.

"He's well- uh he's in school now. Thank you, again, for helping him."

"Of course." You hum.

"You've redecorated since my last visit." He says glancing around your cabin. The interior now looks like a clash of modern and woodland. Half of the cabin maintains a 'one with nature' energy, your cauldron and potions decorate the space, while the other half is a modern kitchen. There's also a staircase down the hall.

"Yes well, with magic on your side you tend to have many opportunities to redesign." You shrug. He wonders what the reality of this cabin is- and what is upstairs?

"I'm sure that's fun." He muses.

"I don't mean to be dismissive Jin but what brings you back here? You don't seem to need my help with anything, so why?" You ask.

"I, well I feel- I owe you for, saving my son." He stitches together an explanation.

"I told you before you owe me nothing." You say.

"I- I'd like to express my gratitude." He asserts. You glide over to him and take a moment to look him over.

"That's not why you're here." You say with the same sly smile that captured his attention the first time he met you.

"W-what?" He backs away.

"Do you remember the first thing I said to you the last time you were here?" You ask walking into your kitchen.

"Um- a good witch sees with more than her eyes." Jin replies.

"Precisely. So why are you really here?" You ask him. He blows out a breath.

"I wanted to see you again. You may think me crazy for saying this but I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since I was here last." He says following you. He's on the other side of the island now.

"As a magic practitioner nothing will ever seem crazy." You shrug turning away so as to hide your own shock at his confession.

"I needed to see you again, I can't get you out of my head." He says rounding the island to grab your wrist and turn you to face him. "I keep dreaming about you." He whispers. He's so close you can feel your face burn and you hope it's not obvious.

"Fascinating." You hum slipping away from him.

"Fascinating? That's all I get?" He looks after you with an incredulous smile.

"What would you like instead?" You tilt your head.

"Some insight- I don't understand how you've captured my attention for the past two years- anything."

"Well, unfortunately, I can't tell you much about how I've 'captured your attention' as you say. I'm actually quite surprised to hear this information." You shrug. You try to maintain an air of nonchalance as you speak with him but you can't ignore the way your heart rate picks up at his words.

"Really?" He looks at you.

"What? Did you think I cast a spell on you?" You joke.

"I did at one point. A woman I met for less than thirty minutes has completely consumed my thoughts for two years- it feels like magic is the only answer." He says walking over to you again.

"Well, if magic had anything to do with it I can assure you it wasn't mine." You tell him. He searches your eyes for any sign of dishonesty.

"I'd like to get to know you better." He declares. Causing you to let out a laugh.

"Few people want to befriend a witch you know." You tell him.

"Yes well- ever since I met you two years ago I've wanted to know everything there is to know about you. If you'd let me, I'd like the chance to do so." He says.

"Hm- like a mystery to solve." You muse.

"More like a birthday gift I'd say." He shrugs.

"How so?"

"Well- because there's the mystery of what's inside but with a gift, you still enjoy it after the 'solve the mystery' part." He explains.

"Interesting analogy." You nod, "alright. I'll bite. Sit. What do you wanna know?" You gesture towards one of the seats at your island as you lean against the counter.

***

After that day Jin made his visits as frequently as possible. He came over at least once a week for the last few months even bringing his son to meet you. With a personality that's more charming than a prince, the time you spend with him quickly comes to be a highlight of your week.

Today he's coming over today. He told you last time that he'd be bringing a surprise along with him today. If you didn't know better you'd assume the 'surprise' was his son coming along, but he always lets you know when he's bringing Ye Joon. You hum la vie en rose as you float around the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner. The knock on your door comes just as you're done. You open the door to Jin holding a bag in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.

"I brought wine." He says holding it up as he walks into your cabin.

"I see." You smile hugging him once his jacket and shoes come off. You take the bottle for him.

"Whatever you made smells amazing." He tells you.

"Thank you- what kind of wine did you bring?" You frown at the bottle. The label isn't one you recognize.

"I uh- I actually made a specialized blend. Personalized based on what you remind me of." He explains.

"Wow! That's so sweet!" You say walking the bottle into the kitchen with Jin following behind you.

"Dinner looks as good as it smells." Jin hums looking at the dinner table you've set up.

"It's chicken, shrimp, and crab pasta with a lemon and garlic wine sauce." You explain to him putting the wine bottle on the table.

"Sounds amazing." He says sitting down. You grab wine glasses and throw in some ice cubes before joining Jin at the table.

"Well then I hope you like it." You say as he pours the wine for you and then himself. You wait for Jin to take a bite of his food and he can't help but moan at the taste.

"Holy hell this is amazing." He tells you. You were so taken aback by his moan that you couldn't even respond right away.

"Thank you." You mutter belatedly, eating your own food. You take a sip of your wine and hum, "this is good." You tell him.

"I'm glad you like it." He smiles. The two of you have idle conversation as you eat, talking about your past week and cracking jokes.

"Hey Jin- question." You say once you've both finished eating.

"What's up?" He hums.

"I don't mean to pry or anything but what's with the bag? It's just been sitting at the table with us like a dinner guest." You chuckle.

"Oh! Right- it's actually a gift for you- well gifts plural." He says grabbing the bag and opening it.

"Gifts? Why? It's not a special occasion is it?" You smile.

"Nope. No special occasions- just wanted to get you something." He shrugs.

"That's sweet of you." You tell him.

"Well don't thank me alone. Ye Joon saw this rain water collector and insisted we get it for you." He pulls out a chain of butterflies with little bowls attached to it.

"Oh my gosh- this is so cute." You gush taking the brass butterflies in your hand.

"He said you use rain water sometimes and he wanted to make sure you could get some." Jin says.

"Stop! Ye Joon is so precious. Please tell him I said thank you and he's the sweetest." You say happily.

"He seems to really adore you." Jin smiles.

"Oh I adore him too." You beam. His heart swells at the way you've totally embraced his son. What started as a trial friendship has now become something that means so much more than that to him. He's just not sure how to tell you that-

"I'll be sure to let him know. Okay so, I got you a necklace. It comes with a question though." He says.

"A question?" You quirk an eyebrow up

"Yes- but please don't feel obligated to answer one way or another."

"Jin- you're worrying me." You chuckle nervously.

"Oh shit- right- sorry you have nothing to be worried about. I'm just- well it's just been a long time since I've been in this position." He says running a hand through his hair.

"Well out with it Jinnie- you can tell me anything you already know that." You tell him.

"Open it first." He hands you the necklace box and waits for you to open it. Inside sits a gold chained necklace with Seokjin's name on it and a blue topaz gem on either end.

"Jin- this is beautiful but- why would you give me a necklace with your name on it?" You frown.

"In the few months that we've been friends I've- well I've fallen for you. I've fallen for the way you see the world, the sound of your laugh, the way you move, how you move through spaces and capture an entire room with your energy and at this point I'm rambling I realize- gods I feel like I'm in high school again- uh, will you- be my girlfriend?" Jin blows out a breath of relief simply at having gotten the question out. That's half the battle.

"Oh Jin." You chuckle.

"You're laughing and I'm sweating bullets here." He jokes. You clear your throat.

"Shit- sorry Jin. That was all very sweet. Yes- yes I'll be your girlfriend." You tell him.

"Oh thank heavens." He sighs.

"You're cute when you're nervous." You tell him kissing his cheek.

"I don't think I've been that nervous since Ye Joon was born." He chuckles.

"Well it's over now." You tell him.

"Oh! One more gift. Consider this one from both me and Ye Joon." He says pulling out another jewelry box. This one is square. It's a pair of gold stack bracelets with little blue topaz gems connected to each other with a gold chain.

"These are pretty. You're spoiling me." You say.

"Well when I bought the necklace Ye Joon said that these bracelets match too well for me to not get them for you." He chuckles.

"Ye Joon is so sweet." You chuckle pulling the bracelets out of their box. When you allow the two bracelets to dangle they resemble handcuffs and you quirk and eyebrow at Jin.

"What?" He asks.

"Jin, baby- these look like-"

"Oh shit! I- I didn't even- I had no idea- I didn't mean to- I wasn't trying to imply- please don't take that anyway-"

"Jin, darling, it's alright. I can tell this wasn't intentional- but, if it was-" you stand up and walk over behind him, bending close enough to whisper in his ear, "I wouldn't object." You grab his plate, the bracelets now jingling around your wrist. His eyes follow yours as you walk the dirty dishes in the sink.

"You shouldn't say things like that. It's going to put ideas in my head." He tells you. You walk back over to the table and grab the necklace.

"Yes that would be the point. Can you put this on me?" You hold the necklace out to him and turn your back towards him. He's quick to clasp the necklace around your neck. His hands caress your collar bone as he talks in your ear.

"I only just asked you to be my girlfriend, I don't want to jump the gun and go straight to sleeping with you." He says, gently kissing the shell of your ear. You shiver at the contact.

"If you don't want to jump the gun you might want to stop that before I jump you myself." You mutter.

"Someone's eager." He chuckles stepping back. You turn to face him.

"How does it look?" You ask tilting your neck to show off the necklace.

"Perfect." He smiles.

"And the bracelets?" You ask shaking your wrist with a sly smile.

"I know what you're trying to do." He leans closer to you.

"Oh do you?" You taunt.

"If you want something, I suggest you ask." He tells you.

"What happened to not wanting to jump the gun?" You smile.

"Well if you're going to swing the gun at my feet my options are to jump or trip over it." He shrugs.

"Clever use of the analogy. So, will you jump or trip over it?" You ask.

"Whichever one you want me to darling." He replies.

"Good answer. I want you to jump."

"How high?" He whispers.

"As high as you can go." You tug on the collar of his shirt pulling him close enough to kiss you. His arms wrap around your waist and pull you flush against him as your lips connect. His tongue slips into your mouth, immediately taking control of the kiss. You moan into the kiss allowing yourself to melt against him.

"I could very much get used to that." He says as he peppers a trail of kisses on your neck.

"You're an even better kisser than I would've expected." You tell him breathily.

"I'll pretend that wasn't backhanded." He hums against your neck, sucking harshly on a spot causing you to moan softly.

"I wasn't trying to be backhanded." You tell him.

"And yet." He continues to cover your throat in blooms of dark red. His hand creeps up your shirt but your hand stops his.

"Jin wait. Let's go to my bedroom." You tell him.

"As you wish my love." He says grabbing you by the thighs and gesturing for you to hop up. You wrap your arms around his waist and as he walks down the hall you take your turn peppering his neck in pink and red blossoms of color.

"I'll drop you if you keep that up." He mutters.

"No you won't." You giggle continuing your assault.

"Fuck." He groans kicking your room door open. He tosses you on the bed.

"Told you you wouldn't drop me." You smile.

"Uh huh." He rolls his eyes, climbing over you onto the bed. He kisses you deeply, hands trailing up your sides and around to unhook your bra. He pulls the bra from under your shirt and his hands cover your breasts. His fingers tweak and pull at your nipples until they're erect and borderline painful from the attention. Jin tugs your top over your hed and tosses it somewhere in the room as his head dips down to lave at one of your nipples, his fingers still tugging at the other until your back is arching towards his minstrations.

"Jin-" you whimper breathlessly as he pulls away from your chest. His lips connect with yours, fueled entirely by his desire- you can feel how much he wants you in the way his mouth moves against yours, his tongue dancing around your mouth like it belongs.

"You're so beautiful." He whispers as he trails kisses to your neck, adding more blossoms to the collection he already left. His lips trail further down, past your breasts, down your stomach, stopping briefly at your naval to swirl his tongue around the little dip. The action pulls directly at your core and you bite your lip as his lips kiss the waistline of your skirt.

He peels away the skirt with ease sliding it down your legs to expose your lacy black underwear that leaves little to the imagination.

"If I didn't know any better I'd think you wore this on purpose." Jin mutters out as he takes in the site of you laid before him in nothing but lace underwear. For all his craziest dreams since you first met, he never imagined being able to see this one come to fruition.

"I always wear lace when you come to visit." You mutter.

"How flattering. You're soaking wet you know." He says as he traces a finger lazily up and down your slit just enough for you to feel it.

"I-I know. I get like that around you a lot." You admit.

"Well we'll need to do something with that now won't we?" He flashes you a devilish smile as his kisses dip lower to between your legs. He laps at your cunt gently at first, savoring your taste, relishing in the way your body reacts to him.

"J-Jin please- I need more." You moan when the gentle licks begin to drive you crazy with want. The sound of your desperate pleas is enough to have him sucking harshly on your clit, two fingers burying themselves suddenly inside your pussy.

"God you taste amazing princess." He groans against you and the vibrations pull more whimpers from your throat. It doesn't take long for the coil inside you to wind impossibly tight and snap barely any warning.

"J-Jin- fuck- I- I'm gonnaaa-" your sentence disolves into a moan as your orgasm rips through you suddenly. He works you through it with his fingers and tongue, peaking up at you beneath his lashes in a way that could be seen as innocent if he wasn't between your legs.

"You're look very pretty when you cum." He tells you once you've come down from your orgasm. You hum in response as he brings his slick covered fingers to his lips and licks them clean.

"I think I could eat your pussy all day." He says climbing back up in order to kiss your lips. You can taste yourself on his tongue and it makes you groan. You place your hands on his broad shoulders as he kisses you, caressing his smooth skin. As intoxicating as his kisses are you don't let yourself get lost on this one, you instead use your strength to flip Jin onto his back, straddling him. He blinks at you in surprise at the sudden change.

"You're wearing too many clothes." You mutter quickly working the buttons of his white shirt and marking his neck in more purple and red as he helps you in removing the shirt once you've undone all the buttons. You shift down to undo his slacks your still dripping cunt staining the fabric.

"You're making a mess baby." Jin says quietly.

"I'll make a bigger one once these are off." You wink at him as you work his pants and boxers down his legs. He shifts to aid you, chuckling at your statement. As soon as his pants are out of the way you focus your attention on his exposed cock. It's long with an angry looking head that's leaking precum. You circle your tongue around the tip before swallowing as much of him as you can. He hisses at the sudden stimulation.

"Fuck- y/n- that feels good." He groans. You bob your head up and down his length eagarly, wrapping your hand around the base, moving it in tandem with your mouth.

"God you suck dick so well baby." He throws his head back, fisting the sheets as you suck him off like it's all you know. All too soon the pleasure is becoming too much for Seokjin and he's desperately trying to slow his impending orgasm.

"W-wait- shit. Baby stop." When you don't adhere to his verbal commands his hand threads into your hair and pulls you off of his cock. You tilt your head and blink at him in confusion, lips swollen from the way you were sucking his dick.

"Why did you stop me?" You pout. Your voice is a bit hoarse and Jin groans at the sound.

"I didn't want to cum in your mouth. I want to cum when you're hot wet cunt is pulsing needily around me." He tells you.

"Oh-" comes your breathless reply as your eyes widen at his words. With little effort Jin flips you onto your back again.

"Up." He says tapping your leg. You shuffle quickly up the bed. A smirk makes its way across his face when he takes in the way you spread your legs open for him. He takes his dick in his hand and lines himself up with your entrance. He rubs the tip against your slit several times, catching your clit with each movement, little moans falling from your lips as you impatiently squirm beneath him.

"Jin, stop teasing. Please just fuck me." You whine at him with a pout of your kiss reddened lips.

"I kinda like hearing you whine for me though." He tells you as he continues the taunting swipes.

"Jiiiin please." You push your hips towards him.

"You know, I've had countless dreams of you breathless beneath me, begging, squirming from pleasure. Nothing quite beats the real thing." He says casually, finally sinking into your pussy. You both moan loudly as he bottoms out inside you.

"Shit." You pant.

"God you feel even better than I imagined." He groans, his eyes fixing you with a heated stare that makes you hotter all over.

"Jin, fuck me already. I can't take it anymore. I need to feel your cock move." You grind your pelvis against his, desperate for more stimulation.

"Well, since you asked so nicely." He says grabbing your hips as he slowly pulls out of you only to slam back in abruptly. Your head falls back and you practically scream as he sets a harsh rhythm. His hips snap relentlessly into you.

"F-fuck- Ji-Jin that feeeeels so g-good." You moan out.

"Your pussy feels fucking amazing. I'm going to fuck you open baby doll. Leave your pretty little cunt battered and swollen and full of my fucking cum." He groans as he continues to fuck you. His words have you clenching tightly around him as you let out more whines of pleasure.

"Oh? Do you like that huh? The thought of me fucking you open and filling you up like my personal cum bucket?" He asks looking at you intensely. You can only bring yourself to moan in response as he continues to fuck into you.

"Answer me princess." He orders, one of his hands coming up to your throat. He doesn't apply pressure, he just uses his hold to force your eyes to meet his.

"God yes- I like it. I want you to ruin me Jin, please." You moan desperately. His one hand on your waist tightens at your words as he picks up the pace, fucking into you faster. His dick plows into you in a way that borders on too much in the best way. It leaves you breathlessly letting out an endless stream of moans and whimpers. Your arms find themselves around his neck, nails scratching down his back.

"Fuck it feels like your cunt was made for me. Taking my dick so perfectly like that." He groans.

"Ah- Jin- you fuck me so well." You whine. One hand snakes between your legs to rub harshly at your clit. The stimulation to your sensitive bundle of nerves causing your body to jerk helplessly.

"I want you to cum for me baby- wanna feel your hot cunt tighten around my cock so I can fuck you open again." He tells you. His words throw you over the edge quickly, and you cum with his name falling from your lips like a mantra. He groans when your walls begin to pulsate tightly around him. He gives you a single moment to relish in your orgasm before his thrusts speed up again. His hand that was on your clit back on your waist, his fingers holding you tight enough to leave marks.

"J-Jin." You whine.

"You told me to ruin you baby doll. I'm not done quite yet." He tells you as he continues to fuck you through your orgasm.

"It feels so good. Don't stop Jin. Please." Your back arches towards him.

"That's my girl. So needy for my cock." He hums, pleased by your desperate pleas. He could look at you like this forever, fucked out and desperate all because of his dick.

"Y-yes. I love the way your dick feels inside my pussy."  You moan.

"Good- because I do plan on ruining your perfect little hole over and over again." He grits out. He can feel his orgasm slowly building as he buries himself inside your wet heat. His thumb connects with your clit again, your body jolting as he rubs into your clit, still sensitive from your last orgasm.

"J-Jin- fuck. Jin." Your body is thrashing wildly as he continues to assault your clit.

"Cum for me again. Your pussy feels so good when you cum." He tells you.

"I- I can't J-Jin. It's too sssssoon." You stutter.

"Nonsense- you can and you will, because I'm telling you to. Cum baby doll." He tells you firmly, his thumb quickening the circles until you're falling apart all over again with a scream.

"Good girl." He coos at you releshing in the feeling of your pussy walls convulsing around his dick.

"Fuck-" you pant feeling weightless.

"Sh-shit baby I'm close. I'm so fucking close." He groans, his head falling to the crook of your neck.

"Are you gonna fill my pussy with your cum Jin- stuff my so full it's spilling out of me?" You ask.

"Oh fuck yes- I'm gonna fuck my cum so far into your pussy." He breathes heavily against your throat.

"Do it Jin. Fuck I wanna feel your hot cum filling my hole so badly. Please Jin, please cum in my pussy." You whine. A few strokes later his hips stutter and you can feel ropes of his cum painting your inner walls. The heat of his release causing you to moan deeply as your pussy clenches around him, milking his cock for every drop of his cum.

"Fuck baby-" he chuckles. He pulls out of you slowly, watching as globs of white drip from your swollen pussy.

"Oh now that's fucking sexy." He mutters gently prodding at the hole. You let out a whine. "Properly ruined if you ask me." He nods with a smile. He pushes himself off of the bed and looks at you once again. Hair mussed up, skin covered in his marks, cunt swollen and dripping his cum- he almost wishes he could always see you like this.

"What're you doing?" You ask when he moves towards your bathroom.

"Just getting a washcloth." He says with a soft smile. He returns moments later with a damp cloth that he uses to gently clean the outside of your vagina.

"You didn't have to do that." You mumble. Your words are slurred just a little as exhaustion starts to set in.

"Nonsense- you deserve it, and so much more princess." He says kissing your forehead as he climbs into bed behind you.

"I'll be content with just about anything if you keep fucking me like that." You admit, turning to lay your head on his chest as he wraps his arms around you.

"Well I plan to- I plan to do a lot of things with you." He muses.

"Like what?" You ask looking up at him.

"Marry you- one day, but for now I have least a dozen date ideas for you." He smiles.

"Marrying you doesn't sound too bad." You hum.

"Is this the sex high talking?" He jokes, surprised you weren't put off by him mentioning it so early into your relationship. You weakly pluck his chest.

"No dummy. We may not have made anything official until tonight but we've been spending time together for months. Plus Ye Joon could make me find him a pet penguin if he asked for one." You chuckle.

"Don't tell him that or he'll send you off to Madagascar for a lemur like from this cartoon he's always watching." Jin warns you.

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind." You nod sleepily. He kisses the top of your head when you yawn.

"Get some sleep love, I'll be here when you wake up." He tells you.

"You better be." You mumble. He chuckles at your sleepy demand.

"I love you y/n." He says.

"Iloveyoutoo." You force out though the words are all smashed together as sleep takes you hostage. Jin can immediately tell once you've fallen asleep and he smiles happily to himself- he never would have thought that seeking you out to help his son would end like this but he'll forever be grateful that it brought him to this moment.

***

[fursasaida]

Do you have any advice for someone who loves learning and reading about all kinds of stuff but isn't academically trained to understand lots of things? Tbh, I'm curious about everything but I feel stupid when I read things I don't understand right away. It's like I lack critical thinking which makes me endlessly sad because that's something I'd like to develop but idk how. It feels like I passively absorb info, and even the things I understand, I tend to forget or don't know how to articulate :(

I think it would help if I had a concrete example or some more details about what exactly you’re struggling with, but I can offer some general thoughts. (I’m procrastinating on some research by answering this, so it got long. If anything needs clarifying, feel free to come back and let me know.)

“I feel stupid when I read things I don’t understand right away.”

I think it’s very important to understand that being smart or being stupid are phrases so broad they barely mean anything. Understanding a text right away means you have certain skills and knowledge that enable you to do that. It says nothing about your potential to develop those skills and that knowledge base.  I am very good at understanding texts, which means people say that I am “smart” because that skill is valued in a particular way. If you asked me to plow a field I would suddenly be “too stupid” to do it, because I do not have the skills and knowledge. But I could learn them!

And for that matter, even if you never become someone who “gets” texts right away, so what? A lot of people could stand to slow down, if you ask me.

This brings me directly to:

“It’s like I lack critical thinking”

That feeling of running into a wall is actually one of the best tools you could have for thinking critically. Many, many, many people who easily understand academic/analytical writing fail to question what they read, precisely because they can just sort of gulp it down. If you are getting snagged on what someone is saying, it’s not because you are incapable of grasping the Expert Truth they are conveying; it’s because on some level you disagree, or don’t share the worldview that underlies their thinking. (Or also, and this option is not always given enough credence, because they’re a bad writer. [Coughs in Donna Haraway’s direction])

This is true even, or especially, if what’s snagging you is that you don’t understand what they’re saying. This is because in their writing they have assumed their readers share a lot of contextual knowledge and assumptions. That’s not bad in itself; if everybody stopped to fully explain every single term, connection, and assertion in everything they wrote, shit would be impossible. But I want to emphasize that if you happen to fall outside the bounds of those assumptions, it not only does not mean you are stupid, it means you are especially well equipped to question and criticize them--so long as you do the work to understand them, in good faith.

(I add that last corollary because there is a problem where people don’t bother to understand where things are coming from before attacking them, and that’s not useful to anyone. But clearly you are not one of these people. I’d like to encourage you to consider these “I don’t get it” moments not as reasons to give up but as a genuinely good starting point for developing the critical skills you so badly want to have.)

An author makes a statement. The statement doesn’t make sense to you. Why not? Are there words you don’t know? Look them up. Look up their etymology, or examples of their being used in sentences, if you need more than the definition is giving you. Is it the content of the statement itself? Then clearly the author and you are coming at whatever the subject is with different background information and assumptions. (This is still true if it’s a subject you know nothing about! That’s a prime example of coming at it with different assumptions. The author assumes a lot of things about the world that you don’t, because you haven’t learned them.) The important question is not What’s wrong with me that I don’t share this author’s assumptions? Rather, the question is Can I figure out what is behind this author’s statement? And once you arrive at some idea about the answer to that, the task is not necessarily to bring yourself into agreement with it, but to decide whether you think it makes sense or not.

This is where an example would be helpful, because “figure out what the underlying assumptions are” is very vague and I’m sure you’re sitting here like, “Oh, sure, just like that.” So, to start with: The things that pull you up short are the things you should ask questions about. What is it in my understanding of the world that makes this statement not make sense? (One way to look at this is: is there a different but related statement that does make sense to me? What’s different between the two, and why does it make such a difference to me?) What would I have to believe, or assume, for the statement to make sense to me? Why did this person mention this example and not those, and can I interpret this choice as something that makes sense to me? Or as a clue that reveals something about where this text is coming from?

And to be clear, when I say “underlying assumptions,” I don’t mean that this only/always means sussing out bias or prejudice in the usual way those words are used. I also mean the things that author learned in their field before writing the text, which you have not. Like, a lot of what I write now depends on the assumption that there is a difference between “absolute space” and “place.” You might have to read up on that a bit to know what I’m saying at a given moment because you aren’t specialized in what I’m specialized in. You might then decide you think this distinction is bollocks! Reading up on it isn’t necessarily just to get you to agree with me. It’s to get you to where you can make an informed decision about agreeing or not.

Often the biggest assumptions lie in the simplest statements. I’m reading about the Cold War a lot right now. If someone says, for example, “The Cold War was the dominant structure of international politics between 1945 and 1989,” this seems very obvious and straightforward. It’s a basic statement of what most people mean when they refer to “the Cold War” at all. It’s “a historical fact,” a piece of information for those interested in history to “absorb.” But there are a lot of questions worth asking about this! Are we sure there was only one, singular (“the”) Cold War? Was it really “the dominant structure” for everyone, everywhere, that whole time? What is a “structure” and what makes one “dominant”? Are we completely sure about those start and end dates, and do they apply everywhere?

Now one can imagine that if I were to ask all these questions of someone who referred to the Cold War this way in a dinner conversation or something, I might appear very ignorant--or “stupid.” But being critical means not accepting things at face value. I may know perfectly well exactly what this person is referring to, but if I want to question the assumptions built into that reference, I have to ask about things that are “obvious” or “well known.”

The good news is that when you’re reading a text, you don’t have to worry about other people at the table judging you. It sounds like right now you are doing that to yourself, and I would very much like to encourage you not to. Having “dumb” questions is being critical. The only difference between “I don’t understand this sentence about the Cold War” and “I have a critique of this sentence about the Cold War” is that in the first case, I have questions about the sentence; in the second case, I have developed answers to my own questions about the sentence. But both of them involve looking at the sentence and saying “this doesn’t add up to me.”

Criticism is a process. Developing expertise does mean getting to a point that you don’t need to do extensive research every time you read or criticize something, but there will always be new things you don’t understand and have to put in the work to be able to critique. The vast majority of ~inspiration~ among academics, if you read/listen to them talking about their research projects, comes out of bumping up against something they don’t understand and just not being satisfied until they could account for it. That could be anything from the way the word “democracy” was used in the Iran-Contra hearings to the everyday social fact that women are routinely expected to have longer hair than men in much of the United States.

So. You are actually in a great place to get better at this, because everybody who is seriously and honestly trying to be critical has to start from making the obvious not-obvious--from not understanding something.

That brings me to the last thing I want to address:

“It feels like I passively absorb info, and even the things I understand, I tend to forget or don't know how to articulate.”

Criticism, or just--learning--isn’t just a process; as what I was saying about academics above already suggests, it’s a project. This is not only true of academics. Plenty of people who aren’t academics do research or study things on their own just because they’re interested. But the kernel of that interest is a desire to understand something, whether it’s for a practical purpose or not. Maybe you’re teaching yourself to sew and having a lot of trouble with a particular stitch, and you want to figure out if that stitch is standard because it’s actually the most functional or if there’s some other reason, which would mean you could use something different. Or maybe you just really want to know what’s up with sea turtles. Either way, there is something you want.

I think if you identify specific questions about or interests in the world and pursue those, you will have an easier time building these skills and retaining information. (This doesn’t mean you have to give up your general curiosity! Just that at any given time, you are focusing on a few specific things.) Information sticks with us because it’s useful somehow. If your goal isn’t just “know things” but “figure out this thing, specifically” then information about that thing has an actual use for you. So think about something that you’ve had a lot of trouble understanding and that you want to understand--not because you feel like you’re supposed to, or because you feel ashamed that you don’t, but because you want answers to your questions. Your project is now satisfying that curiosity.

I find the more I think about a question I have, the more I start to see information that’s applicable to it popping out of the world all around me, everywhere, even when I’m not actively “working on it.” And I remember those things because they are not just “information.” They are of significance to something I am trying to do, which is answer the question. And that question is not assigned to me by anyone else, not even the author of a text I don’t understand. I can only assign it to myself (I have to want to understand that text!).

And you can support this with the way you read! Reading is interactive (yes, even when it’s just you and a page and you’re not making any noise). The more you approach it that way, the more you will retain of what you read--even if you end up disagreeing with it--because you are not trying to be a container for information to fill, which is absolutely bound to leak. Instead you are looking for things that are useful to you, which may or may not be findable in the text you are currently reading. You are not a receiver. You are a spelunker.

So what does it mean to read interactively? It can mean almost anything. For people like me, it often means a lot of making notes, annotations, and so on (the physical act of annotating a text does a lot to help me retain things, for example). I have files upon files of notes and quotes and outlines from different research projects. I write out paragraphs of musings to try to articulate how my questions are shifting as I learn, or what exactly the thing I’m struggling with is. (You mentioned struggling to articulate; writing things out for yourself is one way to practice at this. So is bouncing things off a friend, which I also do a lot.) But it doesn’t have to look like this.

If you are pursuing an interest, then ultimately what you’re doing ought to be pleasurable. (I don’t mean that it should make you jump for joy every second, but the feeling of making progress toward a goal, even if a particular step is unpleasant, is still pleasurable.) If “taking notes” for you looks like drawing, then great. I once outlined a paper by drawing it as a floor plan for a two-story house. I make research playlists that I consider to be functionally identical to syllabi. I have tagged collections on this tumblr that represent some of my thinking through one set of questions or another. What I’m trying to get at is that in working to answer your own questions, you are not just abstractly trying to “understand” something, which miraculously happens or doesn’t depending on whether your mind is ~good enough~ to receive the Content. You are interacting with statements, pieces of information, images, texts, etc., which you are collecting and arranging and rearranging in order to try to reach a place where you’re satisfied. All of that is part of the process of “understanding,” and if you’re genuinely interested in that process, then the work involved shouldn’t feel like homework. So the literal things you do as part of it don’t have to be similar to schoolwork, if those kinds of things are boring or painful or just unhelpful to you. Do whatever! You’re in charge!

So, to summarize all of this: I think the first thing you need to do is think of yourself not as ignorant, stupid, or uneducated, but as someone who is actively wanting and trying to engage and learn about the world. This is admirable! This is exciting! Thus your goal is not to “absorb” information to make up some deficit, or to become some other, “smarter” person who would understand things the first time you look at them. Your goal is simply to answer your own questions about the world. From that point of view, not-understanding is not a problem. It’s necessary. It’s where the questions come from. If you have to answer a lot of sub-questions along the way--if it takes you weeks to really get what a single essay is saying--this does not say anything bad about you. It just means you’re doing the damn thing. But in order to succeed at it, you do need to have some motivation; it needs to mean something to you. (One of the biggest tricks the devil ever pulled was the idea that inquiry could ever possibly be impersonal.) And whatever that personal meaning is is good enough, I promise.