#I've been coding and I dont do coding I may be insane

[im04]

Death of me.

just a quick lil comic so that i can escape reality for a moment:P

[edenfenixblogs]

hope you dont mind me sending an ask being a total stranger and all, i just don't wanna bother op of that post

fd does bring up the fact kendrick is a BHI/hotep briefly, specifically that that's great ammo for a beef because to most people the bhi/hoteps are considered weird and embarrassing and would be insanely easy to make fun of in a beef (at least according to most black people I've spoken with & fd himself), but also he believes that drake probably doesn't even really grasp what they are because he's distanced himself in such a specific way from the black community (and arguably jewish community as well, though i think fd only kinda alludes to it) in a really specific way- BUT, that it was an evolution, he started out in a very odd cultural position where he was ostracized for simultaneously recieving antiblackness from white & jewish communities he was a part of but also seen as "not black enough" by many black people (and it's still a bullshit take people will have)

that desire to fit in is what led him down a shitty road, but also drake already clearly had some clearly terrible behaviors already. he talks about how kendrick was being unhinged too and isnt necessarily one to talk

overall the video is more about the music history behind it and the connection between it and the current culture, and just kinda what led to this climate that could want the downfall of drake

i dont know if i agree on drake not knowing about BHIs, though i could believe he doesnt with how he really weirdly constantly codeswitches even wrt jewishness, but imho fd doesnt like to touch on areas where he really cannot speak to the experience, he's said as much in the past, so he only speaks very briefly of the black perspective of how hoteps are goofy as hell

sorry for rambling, im really into music, think fd did the video well although i dont agree with all his opinions, and just wanted to articulate it correctly that it's really more about the musical climate than anything else :)

I don’t mind this message at all!!! In fact, I’m so grateful for it!

This is all really good info. I would believe that Drake didn’t know about BHI, tbh. I didn’t know about it until a couple years ago when Ice Cube (who I grew up loving 😭😭😭) did some heinous shit awhile ago and I was like “Why did my man come for us Jews what the fuck??”

And then a mutual told me about BHI and I looked up. And found a whole new group of people who hate, dehumanize and erase us. 🙃🙃🙃🙃

I mean, theoretically, maybe Drake may have had more exposure to it as a Black and Jewish man. His mere existence makes him more of a target for people invested in that kind of ideology. But also, I do and always have very much gotten the sense that he was ostracized from much of the black community for his Jewishness and mixed race reasons—not due any specific issue in the black community, but just because people are always dicks to people who don’t neatly fit into social categories in expected ways. I can also see how being a Black rapper in white-passing Jewish circles could have been very uncomfortable if those white-passing Jews were inclined to tokenize or exclude him. So it’s possible to me that his bilateral isolation might have insulated him from BHI discourse.

Tbh I don’t think code switching is weird in almost any circumstance. It’s just a development in reaction to your environment. I have a really multiethnic and multicultural family and code switch all the time. I think if it seems weird when Drake does it, it might just be because he has not developed (and tbh should never have had to develop) a strong sense of what “version” of Drake he is supposed to be. So when he tries to read the room and meet expectations, be just does it badly. But it’s not his fault in the long run. It is fault of people who expect him to fit those expectations in the first place.

I respect the hell outta fd for staying in his lane and only speaking on what he understands. And with this context I’m glad he brings up BHI at all. Because it *is* relevant. Being Black and Jewish ANYWHERE are both identities that permeate every single element of someone’s lived experience. When dealing with a beef between people where one is Black and Jewish and the other is Black and attempts to usurp Jewishness by re-categorizing it historically and racially…the cultural friction at play is absolutely relevant.

I’m sure it isn’t the whole story or even likely to be the most important factor in their beef. But it is definitely A factor and it wouldn’t have been right to leave it undressed. Especially when the beef took off as antisemitism more broadly was on the rise due to current events.

I am glad to know that most people still see BHI as a goody ideology. There’s still wayyy too many people who believe it, though. I’ve lived with the consequences of their hatred for white-passing Jews for several months now and it is…unpleasant. But mostly it’s heartbreaking. I grew up listening to Ice Cube. I used to cite James Baldwin. I adored Alice Walker. And finding out that they hate me one by one was devastating. But the worst part has been OTHER BHI folks using their words to justify their own hatred of me and all Jews like me while simultaneously making me feel like I was harming them in some way just by existing.

I want to be clear that I do not and never have believed that most black people believe BHI bullshit. I’m only saying that it was a shock to me the sheer number of people who DO believe it and how vehemently they hold that belief and direct that vehement *emotion* directly at me. It’s really good for me to know that people who aren’t Jewish are publicly speaking out against BHI bullshit. It restores a lot of hope for me.

So ok. I’m back on the “maybe I’ll watch in a little bit when I’m less raw” train. I also love music, even though I’m certainly not up to date on it. So I’m intrigued to know more about the musical landscape of what’s going on.

Thanks again!

[collegetennisoriginstory]

I wanted to throw in my opinion on the Trans MC if you want it! Option 3 would be a lot of extra writing and coding, so I get that it wouldn't be a decision made lightly and it would be added pressure to get it right and it's a sensitive topic for sure. I will say that if you chose to go this route tho, it would make a huge difference and mean a lot to us. I'm a trans athlete, and the lack of representation can be really discouraging. It's time like these where we are receiving so much hate, especially when it comes to sports, that allies could really step up and make a difference. Reading can really open people's minds! It may be difficult and uncomfortable, and take extra work, but that's our everyday tbh. We out here living on hard mode 😂 that's just my thoughts on the matter but I will respect you and read your story either way. Much love 🏳️‍⚧️♥️

Hey! Thank you so much for sending this! This gets long, forgive my wordiness.

First off, I really feel your statement to the bone, the part about how allies could step up and make a difference, and how positive rep in media, games etc. is insanely important.

So many stories, TV shows, movies have shaped my experience of being queer and POC, and while some of them have been nice just so I could see someone like myself being represented, the ones that really made an impact are of course the ones where these identities were explored in a sensitive, thoughtful way. (When I watched Saving Face for the first time at 17, about a queer Chinese American doctor, I bawled my eyes out and dont think I've been the same since).

I would absolutely love if CT:OS/my IFs could do this for trans athletes too.

I've seen/heard so many worrying statements about trans athletes (both in real life and in the media)—and it makes me so sad.

Some that really get me really riled up are: The idea that a trans athlete's accomplishments mean nothing because they "have an unfair advantage" (or putting it down to "just hormones" or whatever instead of recognizing the hardwork, skill, and dedication behind EVERY successul athlete, trans or not). Or the idea that trans athletes shouldn't get to choose to be trans if they want to be athletes. Or the idea of policing trans athletes' bodies or forcing them to undergo surgery in order for them to be "valid"...

Well, FUCK THAT. FUCK those people.

If my IF can help celebrate trans athletes, and combat/shut down the really harmful (and ignorant) rhetoric out there? I'd love to do that.

But since I am not trans myself, it feels doubly, triply important that I wade really carefully here. I'd really need to spend time making sure I like and can stand behind what I'm putting out. I don't think it'd be responsible representation, otherwise!

I'm not really a perfectionist about my writing and that's how I make progress on my IFs while working a full time job. I'm more the... "slap shit tgt, get it out there, get feedback and edit if I feel like it" kind of writer. And I don't think I'd be able to finish CT:OS / Merry Crisis any other way. But when it comes to race, gender, and sexual identity? I really. Really. Wanna get things right.

(I rewrote that Rayyan convo about being a POC athlete with Deepal so many times haha and it was already marginally less scary, since I am a POC athlete.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I agree it's so goddamn important to have trans stories, and rep, especially in sports, where views are often so toxic and polarized.

But I don't think I know yet whether I see my IF being more a simple "yay, trans rep" kind of space or an actual deeper exploration of what it means to be a trans athlete. I was quite prepared to add the option to be trans (+ any accompanying scenes etc.) when I have the complete CT:OS 1st draft, but I was also toying with the idea of just putting something imperfect into the game earlier.

Faced with indecision, I've opted for: procrastination. I am still waffling, but it was helpful to hear what you guys think. Thank you so much for your message.

Lots of love, keep being awesome ❤️

[trickstarbrave]

What do you think would have happened if Nerevar survived Red Mountain? How would the Chimer treat him?

i think i've mentioned this before but. i think it would have gone uhhhhhhh bad.

see before nerevar, the chimer and dwemer did not get along. the chimer were typically quite religious and worshipped the good daedra. the dwemer didnt actively worship any daedra or aedra; they had no need for it and would at times actively antagonize their chimer cousins' gods to prove the gods were fallible.

but the dwemer had a lot of power behind them in terms of machines and a lot of land, stretching underground between vvardenfell to the heart of skyrim. and the chimer were currently being occupied by the nords for reasons they didn't know. if nerevar wanted to truly drive them out he would need to do more than just unite resdayn but ally himself with the dwemer to bring them into their cause and fight united. which a lot of chimer probably didn't like. they didnt get along with the dwemer at all and the chimer and dwemer did not see eye to eye. but they came around to the idea because nerevar basically said "look. dumac and i are friends despite our differences. we have a common goal. if we can be friends and work together, you can tolerate the dwemer and learn we can be so much more if we set aside our differences."

when the dwemer were found to be making the numidium it was seen as a huge betrayal. not just of nerever, but to every chimer. this was proof the dwemer could not be trusted, at least to them. i dont personally believe kagrenac had any ill intentions making the numidium besides personal defense and basically as a way to prove they could do so even if they wanted to. we dont know if tensions between the chimer and dwemer were rising or if this came out of no where either. but i cannot stress enough how dangerous the numidium is: it is catastrophic if used incorrectly. in c0da it has literally destroyed nirn and made it inhabitable. this is like finding out your allies who live on the same land as you have made fucking nuclear weapons "just because" and then have actively denied having it and call you insane for saying they did. it looked like, to the chimer, the dwemer were intending to annihilate them.

which then brings into question nerevar. nerevar was the most hurt by dumac denying the existence of the numidium (again we dont know if he knew or not, he could have been ignorant to what kagrenac was doing), and nerevar was the one who rallied them into war against the dwemer. the war of the first council was absolutely horrible. house hlaalu, one of the founding great houses of morrowind, lost almost all their warriors. entire families were wiped out. the dwemer machines were decimating people. we dont know what exactly kagrenac did to the heart of lorkhan--maybe it was a last ditch effort to power the numidium and wipe all the chimer out, maybe it was to try and help the dwemer escape to a higher plane of existence, maybe it was something else entirely. but they all vanished. the war was officially over--except now there might be nords and orcs also involved i guess so there may be stragglers theyre dealing with on that front.

if nerevar survived entirely, i think it's very obvious what would have happened. because it was his idea to ally with the dwemer in the first place, it would be seen as his fault the war of the first council happened. sure, they probably wouldnt have driven out the nords, but by this point i think a lot of chimer would have probably believed there was another way of accomplishing it without giving any power to the dwemer.

sermon 11 talks about this actually in the 36 sermons i think:

There is once more the case of the symbolic and barren. The true prince that is cursed and demonized will be adored at last with full hearts. According to the Codes of Mephala there can be no official art, only fixation points of complexity that will erase from the awe of the people given enough time. This is a secret that hides another. An impersonal survival is not the way of the ruling king. Embrace the art of the people and marry it and by that I mean secretly have it murdered.

here vivec is talking about how people's opinions always change. a true king understands people cannot be fixated on one thing forever. if your people love say, skooma, loosen legal restrictions. then people can have more and more. but take care to introduce a new, more potent drug, in a way murdering the skooma trade people so beloved. (analogy from the new whirling school who discusses the 36 sermons in more depth)

and nerevar is a folk hero: the mer who united the great houses of resdayn. the beloved warlord. the champion of azura. the son of boethiah. man who embodies the ideals of the good daedra. he has enamored his people, their biggest fixation and pride. what happens when he has fallen?

vivec knew (or perhaps later reasons) that killing nerevar was the best way to keep control over the people. make him a martyr, a saint, a hero. then move on to something else. and while that is probably exploitative, i can't help but see some of the logic in it. because without that, uhhhhh it would have gone to shit. the people would have all blamed him, and wanted nerevar's head on a pike. they would blame him for all of the deaths in the war of the first council, because there would be no war of the first council if nerevar had never made the council in the first place. maybe the dwemer would have never found the heart and made the numidium if he didn't give them the power and resources to do so.

and then the great houses, who were already only barely united, would dissolve into infighting and old rivalries, especially with new power vacuums being opened up within the houses and larger government. people would be fighting and killing each other for petty squabbles, and also because: there is a fucking giant world ending weapon in that mountain they want to get their hands on by any means necessary and figure out how to power.

as much as i hate to admit it, killing nerevar and becoming gods might have in fact been the best outcome. otherwise i do think the chimer would have wiped themselves and at least half of tamriel out (if they didn't cause landfall entirely). nerevar would have died by the hands of a mob, or lived in exile and disgrace, being blamed for the fall of his people. with the tribunal they control the tools of kagrenac, keep the secret of the heart of lorkhan, and guarded the heart. by introducing new living gods who could preform miracles they shifted away the anger enough to keep people from outright trying to destroy every other faction in morrowind/resdayn. they made that anger productive, and made a new scapegoat with house dagoth (which. also was shitty of them).

i think killing nerevar was a mercy. preserving his legacy and honor rather than letting him live in disgrace. keeping the peace of their people. protecting them. it was horrible, yes, but there was no real solution where everyone was happy and no one dies. not in this story. i have speculations on if the tribunal knew that at the time or not, or if they were motivated solely by personal gain, but it is the truth.

maybe there were other ways out and other ways the story could have played out. other solutions where nerevar could keep the peace and stop the fighting. but after the tribunal used the tools (called "the red moment") history kinda rewrote itself and the world shifted so that was the ONLY outcome that ever could and would exist. so it is impossible to say. maybe circumstances in a different timeline could be more favorable, but i doubt it.

tl;dr: the chimer would have wanted nerevar fucking dead and then killed each other and potentially a bunch of other people with their in fighting and race to get to the numidium. nerevar would die or live in disgrace being branded as the man who was responsible for the downfall of the velothi people. the chimer were petty and rude and violent and vengeful and would not have taken it laying down.

[atarev]

ORFIST MASQUES: Set 12

Hello!

Over the past few weeks Ive realised that although sparse, there's a Cardfight Vanguard community on Tumblr which i personally find amazing and I wanted to see if I could contribute to it!

I want to try and make posts about decks from the latest sets that interest me, or any decks at all really, particularly ones that may have been written off on-reveal.

So what better place to start than with a card I myself called "Regis 2" and 'The Worst Masques Yet" than Cardinal Mors, Orfist Masques!

This card on reveal was met with a lot, and I mean A Lot of outrage, because this is what it does aside from the normal Masques Clause

ACT1/Turn:COST [Remove a card with "Orfist" in its different card name from this unit from hand, soul, or drop], choose a World card from your drop, and put it into order zone. AUTO:When this unit attacks, COST [Counter Blast (1) & put any number of World cards from order zone into drop], and call up to the same number of Shadow Army tokens as the number of World cards put into drop for this cost to (RC) with units. If you called two or more cards, this unit gets drive +1 until end of that battle.

Dropping World Orders?? When the deck wanted to stack them previously for Regis?? What insane contradiction is this??

Fear not Zakusa, Orfist or Edginess fans!! Thanks to Mors itself and 2 new cards, you hardly end up feeling the loss at all with constant regeneration of the ditched orders!

Code: 3TBVD on JP DECKLOG (this wont work on EN Decklog yet!)

Here's the list! I've talked about it with various other cfv fans and found that at least for me, this deck works wonderfully! More details below the cut! If you were just here for the list, I hope you enjoy it!

Okay so! Each card in this deck is pretty important, and while some ratios are flexible (for example, how many Eternity's, Eclipsed and Hollowing's you want, or your ratio of Masque to Masque searcher) there are a few non negotiables outside of the obvious 4 Orfist Masques

We'll start with one of Orfists' newest mates, Polraxis Dragon!

Now Polraxis was already amazing for Regis because of his skills: 1. If you have an Orfist VG, Sb1, choose an order with a different name from those in your order zone in your drop, and set it. 2. When this unit is retired from RG OR discarded from hand during your battle phase, draw 1.

However he Truly shines in Masques because Orfist Masques requires you to call on top of existing units! He's also one of the main reasons you dont actually end up feeling the order ditch alongside Masques 1st main skill (the removal one).

Now onto what is, in my opinion, the backbone of the deck, Cardinal Principle, Oppart!

Oppart is the glue that holds this deck together and really lets it do what it wants, especially in the hands of someone efficient at managing their resources! Firstly, Oppart synergises beautifully with Mors and Polraxis because he CB1s to ditch an order from deck if you have an Orfist VG, and his other skill is just Nuvorea! When called over, call a shadow army token!

He and Polraxis are your obvious targets for Orfist Masques, call over 1 of each while dropping 2 orders, you now have 3 tokens, 1 extra draw and an extra drive check! He truly helps push games and make your turns before your kill (though in my opinion, as soon as you masque, every turn is a kill turn) truly meaningful.

Now since Oppart is a bit of a controversial pick, i'll talk about some more of those! Namely Combine Rusher, Fronts, Main-decking Regis and not running Grunder.

Combine Rusher is Excellent, he's a recurring beater in the late game which is what truly matters, having a 15k vg with cubisia is nice, but its only one guaranteed damage if that, Combine adds up to a lot more

Fronts instead of draws just maximise the decks win-con of Massive Tokens whilst also providing critical shield! With the advent of Omanigruzio (which I might talk about in another post) extra shield is incredibly important!

Grunder, my beloved, has just never worked for me! His top 7 check has (almost) always whiffed and his retrieval skill takes orders out of where you want them for polraxis, regis and mors! And speaking of Regis, if you're able to ride from Mors to Regis and have a hydragrum in drop? That is at Least 2 orders set again to say nothing of a polraxis or one in hand. That highroll is far too tempting for me, and in a deck that wants to highroll anyway, why not raise the ceiling?

That's all my thoughts! I hope that this can show people that we can only truly judge a deck when it's out in the wild and performing, and even then to never count it out! (Source: Orfist REGIS making it to 2ND in last years worlds iirc) and no matter what, to play what you want even if it suffers from Masques-Itis (necessitating potential bricks to access extreme power).

If this can reach Anyone in the community, feel free to let me know if you want me to talk about a particular deck! Even if its one ive never used, I'd love to give newer stuff a shot! Just in D Standard though!

Thanks for reading and have a good one! Ciao!

[zoc-dev]

So many Changes...

So since I last wrote a post, the game has gone through many changes. Forums updated, Profiles added, Airport added and completed. I have just continued to extend the features and improve every day... The design for the game has drastically changed. We have gone from soldiers warfare to Men of Chaos then to Zombies Of Chaos. Zombies of Chaos is probably the final name for the game and what It will be for good now... I've totally redesigned the game and I've redesigned the layout a few times... This image is of the bounty page and it shows basically what the game is going to look like:

I am insanely happy with where it's gotten to at this point. I had some help from Flubber on Discord who gave me some feedback. I'm incredibly happy as well with the login page:

Take note of the Mute button - music has been added, as recommended by Flubber >< --- I've also updated the ranking and XP/rewards and stuff from jobs. I've documented it too so when game is released i can post those somewhere so players cna read that in more detail and it'll make things easier to balance Next thing to do for the game is to extend this new layout to every page... add some sound effects for clicking buttons/typing etc. (oh and maybe for the casino).. Oh ive also redesigned the casino :D

Also the racetrack is redesigned

A bunch of other stuff too which I haven't mentioned just due to time (i need to be up in 4.5 hours ugh) then once ive extended the design from the bounty page and I've added some clicking sound effects and just tidyed up other parts of design (like designign the mute/volume control on front page) ... ill get to basically fixing up all the pages I haven't yet redesigned since a month or so ago Kills page, Hitlist, MIA... I want to get it all looking very nice. Then I also need to fix the kills page (many bugs) and fix hits (u dont get reward) and lots of other stuff once designs are all in place, im hoping development will speed up massively... for example i still need to put in admin commands (i want to leave that till last cos it might be a real pain in butt) Oh and another thing - I am probably going to have to migrate my code over from AJAX or whatevr im using over to server side Javascript with NodeJS and websockets. I've started readinga book on websockets to get me ready. If I can finish the game in its current state by end of march or sometime during april, then I'm hoping I can either release game as alpha/beta whilst at the same time migrating over to websockets.... The main reason will be to keep game secure (RN it can be easily hacked I think but im not 100% sure - ive done my best where i can to keep it proceted) and also just because it'll be heavy on server to keep using HTTP for everything (websockets is designed for this kind of project).. I will miss my 2006 web technologies, but i must adapt >< I am expecting to get this game up and running sometime in May or June by the latest. I have totally forgotten to blog but I'll try to do so at end of every day... oh and also take note of the navigation how it's seperated out into OUTPOST/Encounter/Wasteland... To understand what I've done here, think of it as the outpost is ur solo stuff (doing jobs, your inventory, arena, mash), encounter is anything were u interact with 1 other player (kills/overseas banking) and wasteland is anything where groups of players interact (squads, operations etc)... also Settings/community is seperate. so it's easier for players to see how to connect with the community etc. This seperation I done after flubber suggested that my old way was not the best. Thanks again Flubber and to everyone helping ZoC by giving feedback and play testing :)

[autisticlee]

I just had a school memory unlocked from a time a grown ass man, a teacher/principal sexulized me as a minor and blamed me for it.

when i was a teen, i tried very hard to be as feminine as I could to ~force myself to be a girl~ just to make everyone happy, since they were very unhappy with my boyish ways that didn't go away as i became a teen, like they expected would happen. so they bullied me into wearing a feminine mask, so to speak.

anyway, I dressed overly feminine for a few years and copied hayley from paramore as much as i possibly could, because i didnt know how to be a "girl" and she had a fun fashion sense and was very loved and adored. seemed like a winner, so i chose her to emulate. if you know her, you may know of her often wearing shorts with tights under them, and that became my go-to outfit choice for a few years in school. I didn't like having bare legs, so when it was hot out i'd wear shorts with tights or leggings under them (winter was bright color skinny jeans).

there was no rule against this in dress code. nothing about tights related to shorts. only that tights can't be snagged/ripped and you had to wear something over tights and leggings and they can't be worn as pants alone. also, shorts/skirts had to be finger tip length. which they were. i made sure all my shorts were long enough. they were tights like this with green denim shorts over them:

well, one day the principal randomly pulled me from my lunch table and took me to a quiet, secluded spot to complain about my outfit. "has no one told you what you're wearing is inappropriate? *gestures to my legs*"

me confused, replying ????no?? I've been wearing this for a few years. and him telling me to never come back to school wearing that again. I asked him why, but of course, he didn't have a real answer besides "it's not allowed," while staring at my legs the whole time. I said it's not in the rule book, i checked before wearing it, so he said something like it should be obvious that it's not allowed to purposely distract the boys and male teachers, that I was knowingly trying to attract them to me and be ~sexy- and that's not appropriate at school. 😬

I said I was just wearing what I wanted to for myself. because people complained I wasn't feminine enough, it was hot out, and i dont like to have bare legs showing??? why is the combination of shorts and tights bad?! the rules say leggings need to have shorts or skirts over them. I don't like skirts. I even showed him my shorts are the proper length. but he still decided I was trying to be a whore at school for some reason. 🤢🤢🤢🤢

i'm asexual. and the sex repulsed kind to top it off. the pure insinuation of such thing was enough to make me insanely nauseous.

I was very distracted and uncomfortable the rest of the day in every class. literally no one else was distracted by my COVERED LEGS, though, like that man claimed.

that was the only time i'd ever gotten any complaints or mention of my clothing in 3 years i'd been wearing that same kind of thing. no one else cared. it was the first time he'd even seen me! I felt so uncomfortable and the way he talked and stared felt so violating.

that was the final straw that broke my gender and caused me to go full transmasc mode at that time. I was so disgusted that trying to be a girl for everyone meant I was sexulized as a literal CHILD that I gave up. I only wore "boy" clothes after that and cut all my hair off.

fast forward, we had to do a final presentation before graduating and I learned he was one of the judges for that. we had a "professional dress code" we had to follow for it. girls were to wear nice dresses or skirts and guys button downs and ties and stuff like that. one girl (who I suspect was actually also closet trans, nb, or trans masc) got approval for girls to wear dress pants. so I wore the most boyish outfit I could. pants, button down, suit vest, and tie. basically just to spite that man and the gross way he talked and looked at me. I wasn't going to satisfy his weird need to sexualize teen girls. I can't remember his reaction because I had to focus on doing a presentation in front of a bunch of people and that was a pain in the ass. it was a sensory nightmare so my brain made that part foggy.

I basically stick with androgynous to this day, because of gross shit from men and boys like this who decided being a girl or feminine is a crime because it means you ~must be trying to attract them and make them suffer~ i'm uncomfortable exploring feminine things even if I want to. this is why it took so long to fully figure out and explore and come out with being nonbinary rather than trans masc. I have even more traumatic stories related to gross men who went after me and made me push femininity away as much as possible, like the freak that blamed me for making him be a pedo 🤢 but yeah, maybe those are for another day....

[noxiatoxia]

tell me about hikaharukao

ANON IM SORRY THIS TOOK 20000 YEARS TO ANSWER but i've just been staring at it and thinking. how do i respond. because believe it or not this is hard for me to answer.

because i really really like hikaharukao but my view on it is?? so complicated. because okay. i do not like hikaharu. i've made a long ass rant before on why i (respectfully) do not like it and thing narratively they're better as friends. i def get why people like it it's just not for me. and also besides not liking it for Narrative reasons I'm also petty and don't like it on the basis this kinda makes Kaoru alone kjdbehjfbreh (it's anime i'm allowed to be petty) (which is funny because i like kaoharu???? fuck hikaru i guess)

ANYWAYS hikaharukao....... so. ok it's not secret i love hikakao and i've already said i like kaoharu. so let me try to explain how i think hikaharukao works.

(side note hikaharukao is the whole reason this answer on my shipping chart exists)

(MILD NSFW)

Firstly my headcanons for the characters' sexualities n stuff play a big role in this. Haruhi is bisexual/placiosexual + grayromantic, Kaoru is biromantic homosexula, and Hikaru is homoromantic bisexual.

So, the best way I can put it is they are all qpps who fuck sometimes. but like. its mostly hikaru and kaoru doing Unholy things and haruhi is just There sometimes but not really In It (because I headcanon she doesn't like being touched in most cases). she contributes sometimes but it's very hands-off. or at least she'll touch them but they are not allowed to touch her.

as per my headcanon Hikaru is into her sexually but not really romantically and vice versa for Kaoru. altho haruhi is barely a woman as much as she is a man so it gets a Little Confusing there. But it usually goes by those rules.

yeah best way I can put it is that they are a group of bestiiiies with benefits sorta. i dont think they call each other bf/gf so they are mistaken as friends as often as they are lovers. im sure half of the strangers outside of ouran school who know them Haruhi is just dating One Dude who has a wildly different personality depending on the day you catch him.

you could also view this as a "kaoharu + hikakao they are just sharing kaoru" which i think is true in a way. i mean if you throw in a massive hikaharu brotp in there so it's like kaoru/haruhi half-dating, hikaru/haruhi besties, hikaru/kaoru my lawyer has advised me not to say anything further.

but as said haruhi is grayromantic so like she isn't really DATING either of them. it's weird. like i said just a group of bestiiies <3 (also i have a complicated viewing on hikakao in general too so i dont think THEYRE dating either. like this is just "normal" to them)

now you may say "noxia you sound insane" and "noxia what do these labels mean" and also "noxia did i mention you're insane" and yes yes i know. but listen. i have no clue how else to explain it. all i know is i like hikakao but i wish haruhi was there sometimes. also i think haruhi has a great dynamic with both twins and they would watch cinderella together :) kaoru is talking at 100mph and hikaru and haruhi are leaning backwards to blink morse code at each other. they go to the mall later and hikaru and kaoru are fucking it up and haruhi must reign them in like they are dogs. kaoru and haruhi having a very chill thoughtful discussion about some book they read in a bookstore and then hikaru rounds the corner with "they have EVERY warrior cat book here" and kaoru and haruhi are like "omg every single one ?" this is how i view them.