autisticlee

[autisticlee]

So I’m at the stage in my transition where I’ve switched to the men’s bathroom, because people swear up and down I pass (hey, note to all the cis people reading this, DON’T tell your trans friends they pass just to make us feel better, this shit can put us in actual danger if we believe you! Just be honest! Tell me if I’m clockable, it’s for my safety!)

Anyway, so I go into the men’s restroom today, it’s empty, only guy in there is a worker that’s cleaning the stalls. There’s a freshly cleaned one thank fuck. Right as I’m about ready to enter, a group of at least five or more cis boys (late teens or young adults) head right in and I just hear, “hey, this is the men’s right?”

I duck into the stall. I sit there for ten minutes waiting for these guys to leave, they’re loud as fuck and yelling at each other and one of them won’t shut the fuck up about a “woman in the bathroom” with them. And his friends are all like, “really, where?” “I think a stall” and I just have to sit there until they leave. I’m texting my friend in the stall because she’s right outside. She’s trying to assure me that they aren’t paying attention to me, they’re likely just doing their business. No, one of them, the one that clocked me, was very much interested in me. She tells me when they’ve finally left.

She seems to understood that I was in some danger, but I had to explain to her just how much, because she really thought I could just walk out of there and be okay. “What, did you think they’d like ambush you outside the stall? Or harass you?”

Fucking yes? One of them kept saying “there’s a woman in here” to his friends. And why did it take so fucking long for them to finally leave?

On a funny note, someone came over to the stall, and some guy was like, “I think someone’s tryna take a shit in there” it was just me waiting lmao. Also I’m two years on testosterone, high dose, I need people to shut the fuck up about how we all pass perfectly after like a year.

[autisticlee]

The more you care, the more you lose.

I learned that the hard way.

[autisticlee]

sometimes it really bothers me how people don't get or care how truly lonely/isolated/alienated I feel. because they only give useless advice like "learn how to be your own best friend/do things alone" instead of trying to maybe be there for me? 😭 I know its selfish to ask anyone for anything. that's why I wish they'd choose to be there for me so I don't bother them. but they never do. even of I do get the courage to ask. I hate feeling this and wish I could just choose to enjoy being isolated instead of being forced into it and being miserable 😭

[autisticlee]

lee writes a Gender™ essay:

sometimes I think about my Gender™ situation and how masculine things are starting to cause a sort of dysphoria? like the name I changed to being a male only name. so I go by my gender neutral middle name. but it's not as much as when my very feminine deadname comes up. I pivoted to nonbinary/agender/sorta fluid after my full hysterectomy completely removing female hormones from my system. I think I just had such a bad brain and body reaction to them that I was way more comfortable with being masc. but after the surgery I learned being masc isn't quite right either and i'm more comfy in between somewhere.

i'm aware i'm a very strange trans case and I hardly ever see anyone else talk about this kind of thing or transition journey. i've even seen posts on here with big "gotcha" energy saying things like "even nonbinary people dont want to 'detransition' or go off hormones! they don't want to be medically in between! these transphobes saying this are wrong!" or something like that. well what if I do wish I could be more "in between" because having a gender at all often creates a sort of gender dysphoria I never see anyone talk about? what if my doctor suggested that going off hormones for now is the best choice since I hit my personal goals of transition (which still has me questioning the health side of things but he says the risk of bone density loss can be kept in check with proper vitamins/nutrition so idk)

first if all, this is not a detransition "I regret things" post. I regret nothing about my transition. it was all necessary for me and what I needed to feel comfortable and my best self. even if it's not quite a transitional transition. for me personally, there are parts about both the female and male side that cause a sort of discomfort/dysphoria. I also am starting to strongly believe being autistic is greatly affecting my sense of gender. it's like they are intertwined.

it's really hard to explain, which is why I settle at "nonbinary" and never go past that. but I feel the need to try to explain for myself here, and maybe for anyone else that could relate?? so for me, learning i'm autistic has made me not care about social rules. but it didn't always start off that way. as a kid, I tried super hard to mask and fit in in order to avoid bullying. (spoiler: it didn't work) I tried super hard to "be a girl" because I thought if I was what people wanted and did it right, i'd make friends and not get bullied anymore. I became hyper-feminine in high school after being "tomboy" my whole childhood (playing with "boy" toys, wearing "boy" clothes half the time, begging my mom to cut my hair short).

my last year if high school is when I learned i'm actually trans and not a girl at all. I finally had internet in high school and found a trans cosplayer on youtube who posted his transition videos after he came out. everything he said felt super relatable. being a tomboy. then in high school trying super hard to be hyper feminine to fit in. then crashing out and realizing he's trans. as he transitioned over the next few years, I saw how much happier and comfortable he got! I denied it at first, but I finally admitted to myself I must be trans too my last year high school. so I immediately dropped all the feminine nonsense. everyone was confused how I went form hyper feminine teen one year to a 12 year old boy over summer. but I didn't care. I felt more comfy with myself.

I started testing names and masc pronouns. it felt so much better! I did research for years. due to am autistic meltdown in college, which everyone for some reason thought was gender dysphoria related, I was sent a counselor for trans issues. I went through extensive therapy for nearly 4 years before I was approved for trans healthcare (transphobes were found shocked in a ditch! what do you mean I didn't get hormones and surgery the next day!!!) so I got hormones and began trying to convince everyone in my life that i'm just a dude living my best life and not a girl.

half my family was ok with it. for like a year. then the next year trump happened and started his anti teams bullshit. so my family immediately stopped trying. they sgarted opening saying horrible transphobic things. stopped using my preferred name. stopped apologizing for using she/her and was doing it on purpose. every stranger I met assumed I was a girl. online friends I came out to refused to change name/pronouns. only new ones I met after coming out used the correct ones. I feel like this constant flipflop between what name/pronouns I was called is part of the reason I got led to this nonbinary/gender-in-general dysphoria feeling in a way? that back and forth of being misgebdered to properly gendered to misgendered.

back to being autistic and how that affects things. so i've always been passive. avoiding fights, bad at confronting people. taught to be small and quiet like a perfect little girl. being autistic for me made that easy. my Brand of Autism™ is the quiet, can barely speak, struggles to exist because lights are too loud type autism. basically I don't have the ability to speak up for myself and fight back with people so I could never tell anyone they gendered me wrong. still can't. so just accepted early on i'd never be taken seriously or seen as a "man"

trying to fit in when you're autistic is nearly impossible. following social rules can be impossible. so trying to follow gender rules can also be impossible if they aren't an inherent part of your personality. I tried so hard. I had to. the only way to medically transition is to follow these rules and get approved by 2-3 mental health professionals and a doctor. so I had a part to play because I knew I needed to do something about this insanely uncomfortable female body that was causing insane amounts of dysphoria. (to the point of self harm and wanting to die) that was also mixed with general autism struggles. but they were easy to differentiate.

sorry for jumping around the timeline, but BACKSTORY TIME! I knew I wasn't a girl since I was like 4 years old. I still have a vivid memory of thinking I was going to grow up to be just like my dad. I looked up to him as a kid and we were pretty close. I used to shower with him before I was old enough to do it on my own at age 3-4. he taught me how to shower and wash my hair and stuff. I watched him shave his face and copied him (mainly to play with shaving cream. not with a razor) one day he locked the bathroom door to shower and my mom was talking in there with him. I heard him tell my mom she needs to make me shower with her before i'm old enough to remember (jokes on you) and when they told me I have to shower with her now I was so confused and asked. "because you will grow up to be like your mom" NO! I refused and said I would not. I was convinced I was a boy or at least would grow up and become one and everyone was wrong.

I carried that with me until the Puberty Disaster of 11 years old. stupid body changed in all the wrong ways and I started having panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. harming the parts that were Wrong (chest, hips). my body betrayed me! I was wrong. I tried to will it away but eventually when The Red Sea of Death and Destruction as I called it struck, I realized I couldn't escape. having a period made me so sick both physically and mentally. no one took it seriously. it was "normal." I still tried to rebel, but soon gave up and at 13 I gave in and tried to convince myself i'm a girl and started wearing makeup and pretending to like boys and copying my friends even of i hated it all. I just wanted to fit in. the autistic need to fit in and not get bullied anymore was too strong. not knowing I was autisic made this all harder as I assumed not being girl enough was a reason I was so bullied.

so anyway, after I learned I was trans, gave up trying to be a girl, went to years of therapy, and finally found a doctor for hormones, started hormones, I realized there was relief from feeling bad! I felt better after a the first year! the Red Sea of Death stopped for a bit and I suddenly didn't have severe physical and mental issues....until it came back. turns out not everyone gets relief completely with full doses of testosterone. my dumb body decided it wasn't enough to stop it more than a few months. it still came through. can't remember when, but learned about pmdd and 10000% explained a lot of my feelings. I honestly think it was before hormones. I remember telling my therapist about it who for some reason assumed it was endometriosis????? and my primary care doctor said he never heard of it sounds fake and had no suggestions for me. (if you don't know what it is it's like pms on steroids. it's 100000x worse. it affects every body system from skin the digestive to even respiratory! made my allergies and asthma act up so bad! theres not enough research because womens health issues. but its thought to be an abnormal reaction or intolerance to female hormones on a cellular level. it lasts 2-3 weeks a month. for me felt longer but may have been mixed with general dysphoria. but its awful and only cure is remove ovaries) so I took it into my own hands and got hormones because I heard it stops periods and therefore would stop this pmdd madness, right?

unfortunately I was one of the unlucky few who didn't get it to stop. levels were in a range it should stop but didn't for very long. even if it did skip a month, the pmdd was too strong and still came through. even transitioning didn't make me feel better anymore. I needed more! after more therapy, new doctor, and doctor approvals, I finally for a full hysterectomy. yeeted ALL the female parts! yippee! turns out I was right and most of my issues with physical and mental horror was pmdd. my body reacted poorly to female hormones.

but the journey to get there had requirements. they unfortunately don't allow nonbinary people to medically transition. you are Required to live full-time male with name, hormones, how you dresss. socially you need to be 100% masculine. have proof you came out to family and friends and everywhere else. proof you are sure and will permanently live as your desired gender.

first of all, I thought only male and female existed and were the only choices. I was never informed there's anything else (*insert rant about this is why gender education for kids including non-male/female genders is so important! the TINY amount of transition regrets could be cut down if people were educated on gender to begin with! but I digress). so I thought I had to be hyper masculine. i'm autistic. I was verbally diagnosed while transitioning with hormones. the thing about being autistic is we often follow rules that are given to us. unless we decide they are arbitrary and pointless. but if there's a reason for it, we will stick to it so stubbornly and inflexibly. so I followed the gender rules and wore another mask. I was finally approved for medical care. that's another way being autistic affected this journey.

so I finally get my surgery and realize it worked. I cured myself completely of pmdd! the thing my doctors all said wasn't real or never heard of and never took seriously. I had to do that myself. because 🙄 how dare women's healthcare be taken seriously by medical professionals. especially if youre trans!

getting rid of the pmdd while ALSO learning more about being autistic made me drop the gender mask. I learned about what nonbinary was literally right after my surgery. like a few months after. I had heard of it, but didn't get it. just accepted/respected it and moved on. without needing to be hyper masculine anymore for medical care approval (I tried for top surgery but more on that later) the more I learned about nonbinary/other identities under that umbrella, the more comfortable I felt there and less comfortable I felt being masc or referred to as such. the mask came down and revealed some things I had brushed off before.

I realized how I didn't actually like being treated like a "man" the same way I didn't like being treated like a "girl" and inherently didn't feel like I belonged to either. there were specific things that stood out to me. when I tried to socialize with other men, I felt out of place. not just in an autistic way (because i'm pretty sure at least a few of those absolute nerds are also undiagnosed autistic) but I just didn't feel I had the same inherent "masculinity" as them. could be because I was socialized as a girl though.

then there was the time a friend accused me of "liking" her not long after I came out. she decided girls and boys cant be friends anymore so she's ending our friendship. that felt awful. apparently me complimenting her meant I was attracted to her just because I came out as a transman? I LOVE to compliment my friends! but ever since then, I became afraid to.....because when guys do it, it's mostly to "get in a girls pants" and that was suddenly applied to me.

I was always mainly friends with girls. I never fit in with boys because they bullied me for being a girl. "girls can't play video games! these are boy toys! *locks me out of room*" so I felt super betrayed when GIRLS started pushing me away too! some girls acted offended and betrayed when I came out and ended the friendships. which, understandable. I get it. but I also felt betrayed in a different way. but even girls after that would get weird with me after a while. I started saying i'm gay to make them feel more comfortable. (I wasn't truly attracted to men but I liked kpop boys enough to pretend I was lmao) I suppressed any interest in girls I may have had/could have explored so I didn't make my girl friends feel unsafe. that was fine for a while. it worked. but not completely.

most friendships ended due to autism problems. but then I had a group of friends who were very gender affirming and made sure I knew they thought I was a boy. there was another transman in the group. we bonded over trans stuff. but I still felt a bit off from him as I did with other trans men. I did try to express gender questioning because this is the same time I learned what nonbinary is. I wasnt sure if my specific feelings counted? the nonbinary friends I had unfortunately ended thanks to my autism so I had no one to ask anymore. I did a poll either on tumblr or twitter? can't remember, where I explained my gender feelings and asked what label fit best like fluid/angeder/nonbinary and nonbinary won. so I went with that label (label doesn't matter much. but for me I wanted a word to sum it up without needing to tell this entire story I an right now) so I tried to come out to my friend group. for some reason only one of them responded.

it was a conversation with a few of them and one referred to me as a man. I said actually, i'm more nonbinary than a man. and she apologized saying she didn't know. I said yeah no one does. this is me casually coming out! and she thanked me for trusting them and letting us know. for some reason no one else responded??? not sure if they just all left the conversation at the same time or ignored it. but it got buried eventually. I was still trying to come to terms with it. I briefly discussed it with the other trans guy, and kind of hinted at it with the girl i was closest with in the group before i realized myself. but it seems like no one really noticed. because it turns out they still thought of me as a boy. we planned a group trip and I was suddenly last minute told i'm no longer invited. that combined with another autism related incident made me leave the group and give up on them. asked the trans guy later about it and he said they wanted girl time with each other and felt like I was invading. he was also not invited to the trip and has since left the group.

I realized getting discarded and excluded from girl friendships and treated/seen as a man is dysphoric in itself. it gave me the same icky feeling as when boys did it to me for being a "girl" as a kid, and was definitely more than just autism struggles. it was tied to perceived gender. needing to follow gender rules became very dysphoric. anyone placing gender expectations on me made me feel gross. any time gender norms were forced on me I wanted to tear my skin off. especially when men noticed or acknowledged anything "female" about me 🤢

I hated when society forced female stereotypes on me: I MUST have long hair and weird skirts and makeup and can't like video games and pokemon and cars. I MUST get married and have kids and cook and clean. but!!!!!! I also hated male stereotypes being forced on me too! boys can't cry and have emotions! you have to be strong and confident. being awkward and "shy" (autistic) is bad and wrong! you can't be "just friends" with girls! you're not welcome on the female spaces you were forced into your whole life even of you don't know anything else! not being sexual is wrong! you can't like cute things like plushies! you can't grow your hair and dye it fun colors! etc.

I hated that everything I was forced to do suddenly was forbidden. even if it was things I came to like and embrace (plushies/cute stuff, being friends with girls, dying my hair fun colors, etc) i hated that I was suddenly treated as a gross dangerous predator around girls. I couldn't tell my friends their pretty anymore because it means I "want to have sex with them" even though I said i'm asexual. suddenly my whole lived experience as a girl was ignored and I was treated like I can't understand "girl stuff" now. all while men also ostracized me and didn't let me be part of their manly man clubs because I was too feminine and stuff for them. I never learned how to "be a man" and with the way I was treated, I realized I didn't want to! the expectations on men are just as wrong as the ones on women! no wonder men are the way they are. basically, either way I was gendered, all based on these horrible expectations and stereotypes, the worse and .ore dysphoric I felt.

it got worse over time, until he/she both felt equal and they/them felt way better. even my masc legal name feels bad and wrong now and I wish to change it (but not sure if I can/is worth it/am safe to in today's political nightmare world) I fully embraced a less gendered life. it went fairly slow into it starting 5 years ago, but settled in a nice spot within the last year or so. it took a while to figure out these feelings. is it because i'm autistic and these arbitrary rules and expectations society puts on us are dumb and pointless? or is this just innately who I am? I really feel like being autistic does have something to do with it in some way even if I can't explain in words, since being autistic affects every part of my existence. all I know is it started getting to a point where any time I was referred to as man or woman or had any gender norms in any way placed on me, I felt a sense of gender dysphoria.

so I started embracing a nonbinary umbrella and gender became a very nuanced thing for me in a way that's hard to explain. I'm nonbinary, but in a genderless fluid way with equal parts masc and fem that also fluctuates depending. i'm every gender but no gender all at the same time. no I don't expect anyone to understand nor do anything about it. simply call me nonbinary and they/them and and don't be surprised or question if i'm one say super masc and the next super fem. that's all you need. i'm making it easier for outsiders while it's way more complex for myself.

I don't care if people don't get it exactly. I was taught not to inconvenience people. but it's also a deeply personal thing so outward neutrality words best for me. but I also embrace the inner fluidity to try to dismiss any gendered terms thrown my way. (I get she/her all the time still. and past online friends from transition period still use he/him and the masc name I legally changed to rather than my neutral middle name i now go by) there are times the agender side of me gets super uncomfortable with this, but I try to let it go. explaining is hard. not everyone understands and will change. some will react aggressively. I don't have energy for it. but not all of me us uncomfortable by it or minds. it's like there's contradicting parts of me (one reason I highly suspect a dissociative disorder like DID or OSDD) I can embrace all genders while not wanting one at the same time. its confusing to me. cant explain it others!

the great thing about being a fluid nonbinary person is it makes cosplaying more fun. every since I first saw that first cosplaying trans person online who kickstarted my own journey, I had an interest in it. didn't have money though. it was also highly looked down on until now where it seems way more acceptable (anime is more popular now and less bullied for. my anime hater bullies now watch anime!) so I finally got into it a couple years ago. I think this also helped me embrace my complicated nonbinary identity. I learned that I like cosplaying characters of any gender. it's playing dress up. it doesn't matter! cosplay is for everyone and you can do any character no matter how you look! that's so cool and i'm glad at least half the community promotes that!

so I will cosplay characters I like or who have fun outfits. turns out if I have control over when i'm fem, i'm ok with it and even enjoy it! same with masc! though I definitely do more fem characters since that's what was forced on my my entire life. turns out I can't deal with gender being forced on me from the outside. I need the world to be gender neutral towards me. only *I* can apply gendered stuff to me like clothing, hair, makeup, even words. it's hard to explain that to people. everyone wants to gender you one of The Two Big Genders and won't accept neutrality. especially if youre dressed as a cat girl in a skirt with long hair, makeup, bows, and cleavage. but that doesn't mean i'm a girl! so don't refer to me as such, please and thanks! gender is a costume. it's a construct. it's made up. it's fun to play pretend with.

good things about cosplay is it gives me the chance to play with gender is a non-committed way. I can just take the costume off. it always felt like a costume, but I felt stuck in it as a kid. now it can come off at the end of the day. i like that it's not permanent, despite society trying to prove it is 🙄

another reason cosplay is great is it gives me an excuse to alleviate my chest dysphoria I still have. turns out having any gendered body parts is really setting that off. if I had the choice, i'd have a genderless body. but it doesn't work that way. (I think this mainly stems from me being asexual with some trauma surrounding men...I won't get further into that). with my chest being a great source of dysphoria, I realized upon starting to cosplay that female character outfits dont quite fit. I have a smaller chest, and even size small is too big there. I convinced myself to (mostly but not fully) accept my chest as it's useful for helping full on space in cosplay outfits! it is there for when I want to play with gender in a fem way. (of course it ruins any masc cosplay. I tried tape but my skin is super sensitive to adhesives and fragile and it irritated me and even ripped my skin). I tried to get top surgery. the 2 surgeons I saw inconveniently left my hospital after the first consultation and canceled my surgery appointment, so i gave up because i cant drive hours alone there and home after surgery or stay alone at a hotel a week like they require. don't have friends or family who would help either.

so cosplay has been helpful for exploring and expressing my own weird and unique gender, as well as helping with dysphoria stuff (which now mainly stems from my chest mostly, and I will never get surgery or even have a chafe since trump and his goons are taking trans healthcare away completely from adults on Medicaid)

so anyway, this is my weird and crazy gender journey story! i've never heard one like this, and i've had to navigate this all alone as even other trans people police gender rules at each other. maybe someone like me easily in their journey will see this and it will help them. or maybe someone will learn about how gender isn't stagnant. it can be fluid. you CAN change your mind! you CAN grow and evolve. you CAN partially transition to get to a certain point and then stop when you reach it. theres infinite possibilities! gender isn't wholly real. your gender is only real to you. never let anyone else tell you what to do and how you express yourself. their gender isn't yours. yours isn't theirs. also don't tell people what to do. if you are a traditional trans person (follow the gender rules/aren't nonbinary or fluid in any way) people like me aren't taking anything from you. we aren't making it harder for you. i've seen many of you claim this. we aren't hurting you. leave us be. you perpetuating gender stereotypes and forcing them on us is more harmful than a nonbinary person going off hormones or a trans person coming out as fluid years later. let people be!

do gender your way and dont be afraid to play around with it and explore! even of you're cis, you're still allowed to play with gender! you can be a straight man that likes to wear makeup. gender is arbitrary and fake. you can even be a gender that "doesn't exist" that's how fake it is! do what make you comfortable and happy! and respect others and refer to them as they wish so they are comfortable! it's super easy to do! now go have a great day and break some gender rules today! go, do crime. happy pride!

[autisticlee]

a lot of people assume, that having a special interest means you know a lot about your special interest. i don't know a lot, because i have trouble learning new things. i think about my special interests all of the time and have trouble talking about other things or switching topics. i would like to know a lot more about my special interests. but my brain doesn't like to work that way. when i try to learn new things, i often forget or it doesnt make sense to me and it needs to be explained over and over. did you know that Cubone and Marowak are ground-type Pokemon? i didnt. my partner had to explain and to them it made a lot of sense, they said "well yeah, they use bones, which come from the ground". but even though Pokemon has been my special interest ever since i was really really little, i had no idea. i was really surprised.

[autisticlee]

i'm extremely aware of how I make people dislike/turn on/abandon me due to misunderstandings. I misunderstand someone and they get upset at me for "twisting their words" (and usually won't talk to me about it and choose to avoid me). or someone misunderstands me and gets angry and decides they dislike me and wont talk about it. if someone does talk about the misunderstanding with me, they tell me how i'm wrong and give advice (that doesn't always help/work for me because it's not a one-sided thing and i cant read minds to avoid misunderstandings). and either after the first offense, they give up on me, or it happens a few times and they get tired of it and then ghost me.

it feels like no matter what I do or say, no matter how careful I am, no matter how much I overthink every response, no matter how much I walk on eggshells, no matter how many questions of clarification I ask (which cause people to be frustrated on their own so I feel the need to avoid asking), i still can't do anything right! it never matters. I still give people bad vibes and my energy doesn't match with anyone ever. everything I say gets misunderstood. everything others say can be a hint for something else, they dont say what they mean, I have to try to guess, or take it at face value and be wrong. people make sure I know it's my fault for misunderstanding them (they usually think its on purpose to gaslight/manipulate), but it's also my fault for them misunderstanding ME (because I didn't read their minds to know they have different connotations for certain words than I do, and im told its my job to be aware of and predict that)

it's all so exhausting and I never benefit from most social interactions. only makes me feel more tired and alone and alienated. I know! "don't care what others think of you" but if I don't, then i'll obliviously keep trying to befriend people who think i'm obnoxious and don't vibe with me. I used to do that and it was an awful experience when they finally snapped on me for "not taking the hint" 😫 I don't know what to do about this problem. there's no solution. my understanding of words and feelings and inability to read minds will always keep me distance from people and cause bad and alienating experiences 😔

[autisticlee]

I had a rash biopsy at dermatologist and or came back suggesting autoimmune. had blood test and came back positive. then did second one and came back negative. they want me to do another rash biopsy when it comes back because they didn't get enough since was barely visible. but hasn't been very visible for a couple years so guess I won't figure out what that is....

the both tests, biopsy and blood, suggested sjogrens (and other related) and me being curious about stuff googled. I think I have all the symptoms of this??? I thought eyes feelings like sand and mouth and throat so dry I need drink water every 5 minutes was just normal lmao. swallowing is very hard. talking is hard/loose voice easily. can't taste anything. and skin is super dry no matter how much lotion. and joints hurt. but joint hurt probably from hypermobility/possible heds. but sjogrens is common with eds and stuff so. hmm.

dermatologist never told me anything just said get these tests done. never asked for other symptoms to look into things. but i'd dermatologist. only cares about skin. do I ask primary care doctor? what if there's autoimmune and I never know? what if possible to get treatment for weird symptoms didn't realize weren't normal until now....

[autisticlee]

just heard a mom complain about a teen being on the swings at the park when she took her daughter because "they're for kids"

as an autistic adult with swinging as my all-time favorite stim,,,,,,im so offended 😭😭😭😭😭 swings don't have age limit!!!! maybe we need adult playgrounds so parents stop throwing fit over teens and disabled adults on swings!

[autisticlee]

HOW many times do I have to tell doctors not to contact me with phone call and use mychart message?????? every single time apparently! they will say OK we will make note on your record for next time. but they ignore it! stop calling me!!!!!!!!!!

[autisticlee]

finally scheduled appointment for eds evaluation and the soonest available appointment is in a year 💀 but at least it's something and maybe I can get help for my achy floppy joints or something

[autisticlee]

everyone says they do things for/because of their partner. they live for their partner. stay healthy for their partner. they only do things they enjoy with their partner. etc. but people always tell me to do things for myself only. not for others. I don't have a romantic partner nor want one. sometimes I want to do things for/because of my friends! but my friends don't like that. people outside of the friendship don't like it. why is friendship not as important!? I don't get it! so what if I want to move out of my parents house with friends! telling me to move out alone for myself only doesn't make me feel good. you live with your partner. why don't you live alone then you prick. telling me to go to events and stuff alone because ~I want to~ when j say I don't want to go one and want friends to go with doesnt feel good! you do everything with your partner! why cant I want to do everything with friends?!

[autisticlee]

hate when i'm trying to sleep and my brain decides it's a good time to start problem solving things. even if I don't actively think before falling asleep, I immediately start dreaming as soon as I start falling asleep and brain enters problem solving dream mode and wakes me up 🙄

[autisticlee]

that feeling when 9 missed doctor calls and can't force self to call back 💀

[autisticlee]

I think you said this really well, thank you for the addition!

also, a thing I'm realizing I experience, wondering if you relate, every time I start out a friendship, we have the needs and boundaries disclaimer where we discuss these things. they're always good with it at first,,,,,until they suddenly just...forget ???? and cross my boundaries? if I then remind them, it's suddenly an attack on them! what!

my toxic trait is i need to overthink, ruminate, and psychoanalyze every small tiny detail that I can remember from a friendship whenever it goes bad. all because people not telling me things directly and expecting me to read minds and pick up "hints" is extremely traumatizing. so i compensate by spending the next 5 years analyzing all the possible "clues" I missed that lead to the bad outcome, with the hopes of learning from it so I can avoid it in the future.....

[autisticlee]

can I have a friend that DOESNT have trauma for once? i'm starting to think that people having trauma responses directed towards me are triggers for my own trauma (for example, sudden unexplained withdraw and ghosting) and it just adds more to my social trauma for absolutely no reason! because so many times we end up on an endless trigger loop between us! I don't actually know what it's like to be friends with someone who doesn't have social trauma i've only been friends with other NDs who either tell me they are ND when we meet, or I find out years later they learned they are ND too. some ND things like autism don't seem to exist without trauma happening in some way. so i'd have to make friends with NTs which is opposite what i'm always recommended.

not saying I want to avoid NDs or people with trauma completely. I just want a break from walking in eggshells and getting slapped with a trauma because I stepped the wrong place and wasnt even told. i've had way more volatile responses from NDs when I dont read their minds than NTs believe it or not...

what's it like to just. have a healthy and good friendship without all the trauma? what's that look like?! I have no clue!

[autisticlee]

my toxic trait is i need to overthink, ruminate, and psychoanalyze every small tiny detail that I can remember from a friendship whenever it goes bad. all because people not telling me things directly and expecting me to read minds and pick up "hints" is extremely traumatizing. so i compensate by spending the next 5 years analyzing all the possible "clues" I missed that lead to the bad outcome, with the hopes of learning from it so I can avoid it in the future.....

[autisticlee]

Pro tip: u can fake eye contact by looking between the eyes, at the top of/just above the bridge of the nose if that makes sense? Been doing this 4 years and it mostly works

yeah I've been doing this my whole life! looking at the nose. (mistakenly used to look at lips at one point to try to read them and accommodate for auditory processing disorder.....but then I got accused of wanting to kiss someone and it made me super uncomfortable. (because apparently lip reading means you want to kiss someone? which is weird but ok) but that's iff topic. I still find staring at noses to be distracting and uncomfortable! the same rules apply, but now you're also "lying" in a way. what if they realize? how long do you share? what if their nose is a unique shape and you get distracted thinking about how interesting drawing it would be? what if you accidentally look away too much or at the wrong time? what if when they move their head and bam eye contact jumpscare! what if you're still extremely aware that they are staring at your eyeballs and it makes you uncomfy just knowing your eyeballs are being perceived? and etc. still hard to listen and respond when thst much attention has to go to faking eye contact 😅 but i'm glad it works for you anon! /pos /gen